Amends for Ladies Field, Nathan This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A00723 of text S105484 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 10852). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Hannah Bredar Keren Yi This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A00723.xml Amends for ladies. VVith the humour of roring. A comedie. As it was acted at the Blacke Fryers, both by the Princes seruants, and the Lady Elizabeths. By Nat. Field. Field, Nathan, 1587-1620? 32 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2003 November (TCP phase 1) 99841212 Greg II:356(aII). STC (2nd ed.) 10852. 5776 A00723 2240858519

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 Amends for ladies. VVith the humour of roring. A comedie. As it was acted at the Blacke Fryers, both by the Princes seruants, and the Lady Elizabeths. By Nat. Field. Field, Nathan, 1587-1620? [62] p. Printed by G. Eld, for Math. Walbancke, and are to be sold at his shop, at the new gate of Grayes-Inne, or at the old, London : 1618. 1618

Signatures: A-H4 (-A1, ||-A2?).

Another state (issue?) of STC 10851. The title page is in substantially the same setting.

Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery.

 A00723 shc Amends for Ladies Field, Nathan Hannah Bredar Keren Yi 1610 play comedy shc no A00723 S105484 (STC 10852). 64 23179 0 0 0 4 0 0 1.71 B The rate of 1.71 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago

Amends for Ladies . WITH THE HVMOVR OF RORING . A COMEDIE . As it was acted at the Blacke Fryers , both by the PRINCES Seruants , and the Lady ELIZABETHS .

By Nat. Field .

LONDON : Printed by G. Eld , for Math. Walbancke , and are to be sold at his Shop , at the new Gate of Grayes-Inne , or at the old . 1618 .

AMENDS FOR LADIES . A COMEDIE . Actus primi Scaena prima . Enter the Lady HONOR , the Lady PERFECT , the Lady BRIGHT . Maid . A Wife the happiest state ? It cannot be . Wife . Yes , such a wife as I , that haue a man As if my selfe had made him : such a one As I may iustly say , I am the rib Belonging to his brest . Widow and Maide , Your liues compar'd to mine are miserable , Though wealth and beautie meete in each of you . Poore virgin , all thy sport is thought of loue , And meditation of a man , the time And circumstance ere thou canst fixe thy thoughts On one thy fancy will approue . Maid . That trouble already may be past . Wife . Why if it be . The doubt , hee will not hold his brittle faith , That he is not a competible choise , And so your noble friends will crosse the match , Doth make your happinesse vncertaine still : Or say you marryed him , what hee would proue . Can you compare your state then to a Wife ? Maide . Nay , all the freedome that a virgin hath Is much to be preferr'd . Who would endure The humours of so insolent a Thing As is a husband ? Which of all the Heard Runs not possessed with some notorious vice , Drinking or whoring , fighting , Iealousie , Euen of a Page at twelue , or of a Groome , That rubs horse-heeles ? Is it not daily seene , Men take wiues , but to dresse their meate , to wash And starch their linnen : for the other matter Of lying with them , that 's but when they please : And whatsoere the ioy be of the bed , The pangs that follow procreation Are hideous , or you wiues haue guld your husbands With your loud shrikings , and your deathfull throes . A Wife or Widow to a Virgins life ? Widow . Why should the best of you thinke yee inioy The rest and rule , that a free widow doth ? I am mine owne commander , and the blisse Of wooers , and of each varietie Frequents me , as I were a maide . No Brother Haue I to dice my patrimony away , as you My maiden Madame may . No husbands death Stand I in doubt on : for thankes be to heauen ( If mine were good ) the grieuous losse of him Is not to come ; if hee were bad , hee 's gone , And I no more embrace my iniury . But be yours ill , you nightly claspe your hate ; Or good , why he may dye , or change his vertue . And thou ( though single ) hast a bed-fellow As bad as the worst husband , thought of one , And what that is , men with their wiues do doe , And long expectance till the deed be done . " A wife is like a garment vsde and torne : " A maide like one made vp , but neuer worne . Maide . " A widow is a garment worne thred-bare , Selling at second hand , like Brokers ware . But let vs speake of things the present time Make happy to vs , and see what is best . I haue a seruant then the crowne of men , The fountaine of Humanitie , the prize Of euery vertue , Morall and Diuine ; Young , valiant , learned , well-borne , rich and shap'd As if wise Nature when she fashioned him , Had meant to giue him nothing but his forme , Yet all additions are conferr'd on him , That may delight a woman : this same youth To me hath sacrific'd his heart , yet I Haue checkt his suite , laught at his worthy seruice , Made him the exercise of my crueltie , Whilst constant as the Sunne , for all these clouds His loue goes on . Enter INGEN . Widow . Peace , here 's the man you name . Wife . Widow . Wee 'll stand aside . Ing. Good morrow to the glory of our age . Meeting the Wife The Lady Perfect , and the Lady Bright , The vertuous wife and widow : but to you The Lady Honor , and my Mistresse , The happinesse of your witnes . Maid . By this light , I neuer heard one speake so scuruily , Vtter such stale wit , and pronounce so ill . But to you , My Lady Honor , and my Mistresse , The happinesse of your wishes . Ingen. Stop your wit , You would faine shew these Ladies what a hand You hold ouer your seruant . T' shall not neede , I will expresse your tyranny well enough . I haue lou'd this Lady since I was a childe , Since I could construe Amo : now she saies I doe not loue her , 'cause I doe not weepe , Lay mine armes ore my heart , and weare no garters , Walke with mine eyes in my hat , sigh , and make faces For all the Poets in the towne to laugh at , Poxe a this howling loue , ti 's like a dogg Shut out midnight . Must loue needs be poudred , Lie steept in brine ; or will it not keepe sweet ? Is it like beefe in sommer ? Maid . Did you euer Heare one talke fustian like a Butcher thus ? Ingen. T' is foolish , this same telling folkes we loue , It needs no words , t' will show it selfe in deeds , And did I take you for an entertainer , A Lady that will wring one by the finger , Whil'st on anothers toes shee treads , and cries By Gad I loue but one , and you are hee : Either of them thinking himselfe the man , I 'de tell you in your eare , put for the busines , Which graunted , or denied , Maddam God bye . Maid . Come these are daily slaunders that you raise , On our infirme and vnresisting Sexe , You neuer met I am sure with such a Lady . Ingen. Oh many by this light , I haue seene a Chamber Frequented like an office of the Law , Clients succeede at midnight one another : Whilst the poore Maddam Filth beene so distrest , Which of her Loues to show most countenance to , That his dull Husband ha's perceiu'd her wiles . Maid . Nay perhaps taught her , many of those Husbands Are base enough To liue vpon 't . Ingen. I haue seene another of 'em Cheat by this light at Cardes , and set her women , To talke to the Gentlemen that plaid , That so distracted they might ouer see . Maid . Oh fie vpon yee , I dare sweare you lie . Ingen. Doe not faire Mistresse , you will be for sworne . Maid . You men are all soule mouth'd , I warrant , you Talke thus of me and other Ladies here , Because we keepe the Cittie . Ingen. Oh prophane . That thought would damne me , will you marrie yet ? Maid . No I will neuer marry . Ingen. Shall we then Couple vnlawfully ? for indeed this marrying Is but proclaming what we meane to doe ; Which may be done priuatly , in ciuill sort And none the wiser , and by this white hand La: The wrack , Strapado , or the boiling boote , Should neuer force me tell to wrong your honor . Maid . May I beleeue this ? Ingen. Let it bee your Creed . Maid . But if you should proue false . Nay ne'er vnhang Your sword , except you meane to hang your selfe : Why where haue you beene drinking ? sfoot you talke Like one of these same rambling boies , That raigne in Turnebull-street . Ingen. How doe you know ? Maid . Indeed my knowledge , is but speculatiue Not practique there , I haue it by Relation , From such obseruers as your selfe deare Seruant , I must professe , I did thinke well of thee , But get thee from my sight , I neuer more Will heare or see thee , but will hate thee deadly , As a man enemy , or a woman turn'd . Enter Widdow , Wife . Ladies come forth , see Sir what Curtesie You haue done to mee , a strange praise of you Had newly left my lips , iust , as you entred , And how you haue deseru'd it , with your carriage ? Villain , thou hast hurt mine honor to these friends , For what can they imagine but some ill Hath past betwixt vs by thy broad discourse ? Were my case theirs , by Virgin Chastity , I should condemne them : hence , depart my sight . Ingen. Madam , but here mee , oh that these were men , And durst but say or thinke you ill , for this I haue so good a cause vpon my side . That I would cut their hearts out of their brests : And the thoughts out of them that iniur'd you . But I obay your best , and for my pennance , Will run a course neuer to see you more , And now I loose you , may I loose the light : Since in that beauty dwelt my day or night . Exit Ingen . Widd. Is this the vertuous youth ? Wife . Your happines ? Widd. Wherein you thought your seat so far 'boue ours , Maid . If one man could be good , this had beene hee . Enter SVBTLE , HVSBAND , FEESIMPLE , WEL-TRID . See here comes all your sutors , and your Husband , And roome for Laughter , heer 's the Lord Feesimple , What Gentlewoman do's hee bring along ? Enter HVSBAND , embracing SVBTLE , the Lord FEE-SIMPLE , with young BOVLD like a waiting Gentlewoman . WEL-TRID , HVSB : SVBTLE talke with WIFE . Fees .

One and thirty good-morrows to the fairest , wisest , chastest , richest Widdow that euer conuersation coapt withall .

Widd. Three score and two vnto the wisest Lord , That euer was train'd in vniuersitie . Feesimp.

Oh Curteous , bounteous Widow , shee ha's out-bid me 31. Good morrowes at a clap .

Welt.

But my Lord Feesimple you forgot the busines impos'd on you .

Fees .

Gentlewoman , I crie thee mercie , but ti 's a fault in all Lords , not in mee only , we doe vse to sweare by our Honors : and as we are Noble , to dispatch such a businesse for such a Gentleman and wee are bound , euen by the same Honors wee sware by , to forget it in a quarter of an houre . And looke as if wee had neuer seene the Partie , when wee meete next , especially if none of our Gentlemen haue bin considered .

Welt.

I , but all your's haue , for you keepe none my Lord : Besides though it stands with your Honor to forget mens businesses ; yet it stands not with your Honor , if you doe not doe a womans .

Feesi.

Why then Maddam , so it is that I request your Ladiship to accept into your seruice this Gentlewoman , for her truth & honestie I will be bound , I haue knowne her too long to be deceiu'd , this is the second time I haue seene her .

Maid .

Why how now my Lord : a preferrer of Gentlewomen to seruice like an old knitting woman ? where hath Shee dwelt before .

Feesi.

Shee dwelt with young Boulds sister , hee that is my Corriuall in your Loue , she requested me to aduance her to You ; for you are a dub'd Lady : so is not shee yet .

Welt.

But now you talk of yong Bould , when did you see him Lady ?

Wid. Not this month Maister Well-tri'd . I did coniure him to forbeare my sight : Indeed swore if he came I l'd be denied .

But t is strange you should aske for him , yee two were wont neuer to be asunder .

Welt.

Faith Maddam we neuer were together but wee differd on some argument or other ,

And doubting least our discord might at length Breed to some quarrell , I forbeare him to . Fees .

He quarrell ? Bould : hang him , if he durst haue quarrel'd , the world knowes hee 's within a mile of an oke ha's put him too 't , and soundly , I neuer car'd for him in my life , but to see his sister , hee 's an asse , pox an arrant asse , for doe you thinke any but an arrant asse , would offer to come a wooing , where a Lord atempts ? he quarrell : hee dares not quarrell .

Welt. But hee dares fight my Lord , vpon my knowledge , And raile no more my Lord , behind his back , For if you doe my Lord bloud must insue . Drawes . Fees . Oh , oh my honor dies , I am dead . Welt. Vd'slight what s the matter , wring him by the nose Wild. A paire of riding spurs now were worth gold , Maid . Pins are as good , prick him , prick him Feesim. Oh , oh . Wife . Hee 's come againe , lift him vp . Omnes . How fares your Lordship ? Fees .

Oh friends , you haue wrong'd my spirit to call it backe , I was ee'n in Elizium at rest .

Welt.

But why sir did you sowne ?

Feesi.

Well though I die Maister Wel-tri'd before all these I doe forgiue you , because you were ignorant of my infirmitie , oh sir , i' st not vp yet , I die againe , put vp now whil'st I winke , or I doe winke for euer .

Welt.

T i's vp my Lord , ope your eies , but I pray tell mee Is this antipathie twixt bright steele and you naturall , or how grew it ?

Feesi.

I l'e tell you sir , any thing bright and edg'd , works thus strongly with me , your hilts now I can handle as boldlie , looke you else .

Knight .

Nay neuer blame my Lord Maister Well-tri'd , for I know a great manie will sowne at the sight of a shoulder of mutton or a quarter of Lambe , my Lord may be excus'd then , for a naked sword .

Welt.

This Lord , and this knight in dogge-collers would make a fine brace of beagles .

Maid .

But on my faith 't was mightily ouerseene of your father , not to bring you vp to foyles , or if hee had bound you Prentise to a Cutler or an Ire-monger .

Fees .

I a poxe , hang him old gouty foole , he neuer brought me vp to any Lordly exercise , as fencing , dancing , rumbling , and such like : but forsooth I must write and reade , & speake languages , and such base qualities , fit for none but Gentlemen . Now sir would I tell him , Father you are a Count , I am a Lo: a poxe a writing and reading , and languages , let mee be brought vp as I was borne .

Subtle .

But how my Lord came you first not to indure the sight of steele .

Feesi.

Why I 'le tell you Sir , when I was a child , an infant , an Innocent .

Maid .

T' was e'ne now .

Fees .

I being in the kitchin , in my Lo: my fathers house , the Cooke was making minc'd pyes : so sir , I standing by the Dresser , there lay a heape of plums . Here was hee mincing ; what did mee I sir , being a notable little witty coxcombe , but popt my hand iust vnder his chopping knife , to snatch some Reysins , and so was cut ore the hand , and neuer since could I endure the sight of any edge-toole .

Wid.

Indeede they are not fit for you my Lord , and now you are all so well satisfied in this matter , pray Ladies how like you this my Gentlewoman ?

Maid .

In troth Maddam exceeding well I , if you be prouided , pray let me haue her .

Wife .

It should be my request , but that I am full .

Wid.

What can you doe ? What 's her name my Lord ?

Fees .

Her name ? I know not . What 's her name Mr. Well-try'd ?

Weltr.

Her name ? slid , tell my Lady your name .

Bould .

Mistresse Mary Princox forsooth .

Wid.

Mistresse Mary Princax : she has wit , I perceiue that already . Mee thinkes she speakes as if she were a my Lords brood .

Bould

Brood Maddame , 't is well knowne I am a Gentlewoman . My father was a man of 500. per annum , and hee held something in Capite too .

Welt.

So does my Lord , something .

Fees .

Nay , by my troth , what I hold in capite is worth little or nothing .

Bould .

I haue had apt breeding , how euer my misfortune now makes me submit my selfe to seruice : but there is no ebbe so low , but hath his tyde againe : when our dayes are at worst , they will mend in spight of the frowning Destinies . For wee cannot be lower then earth , and the same blinde Dame that hath cast her bleare eyes hitherto vpon my occasions , may turne her wheele , and at last winde them vp with her white hand to some pinnacle that prosperously may flourish in the Sunne-shine of promotion .

Fees .

Oh mouth , full of agilitie , I would giue 20. Markes now to any person that could teach mee to conuey my tongue ( sance stumbling ) with such dexteritie to such a period . For her truth and her honesty I am bound before , but now I haue heard her talke , for her wit I will be bound body and goods .

Wid.

V'dslight , I will not leaue her for my hood . I neuer met with one of these eloquent old Gentlewomen before . What age are you Mistresse Mary Princox ?

Bould .

I will not lye Maddam , I haue numbred 57. Summers , and iust so many winters haue I past .

Subt.

But they haue not past you , they lye forzen in your face .

Bould .

Maddam , if it shall please you to entertaine me , so : if not , I desire you not to misconstrue my good will , there 's no harme done , the doore 's as big as it was , and your Ladiships owne wishes crowne your beauty with content . As for these frumping Gallants , let them doe their worst : it is not in mans power to hurt mee : 't is well knowne I come not to be scoff'd . A woman may beare and beare till her backe burst . I am a poore Gentlewoman , and since vertue has now a dayes no other companion but pouerty , I set the Hares head against the Goose giblets , and what I want one way I hope I shall be inabled to supply the other .

Fees .

A' nt please God , that thou wert not past children ;

Wid.

I st e'ne so my Lord ? nay good Princox do not crie , I doe entertaine you , how doe you occupie ? what can you vse ?

Bould .

Any thing fit to be put into the hands of a Gentlewoman .

Wid.

What are your qualities ?

Bould .

I can sleepe on a low stoole , if your Lady-ship be talking in the same roome with any Gentle-man , I can reade on a booke , sing loue songs , looke vp at the loouer light , heare and be deafe , see and be blind , be euer dumb to your secrets , sweare and equiuocate , and whatsoeuer I spie , say the best .

Wid.

Oh rare Croane ? how art thou endu'd ? but why did Master Boulds sister put you away ?

Bould .

I beseech you Madame to neglect that desire , though I know your Lady-ships vnderstanding to be sufficient to partake or take in the greatest secret ; can be imparted : yet . —

Wid.

Nay prithie tell the cause , come heer 's none but freinds .

Bould .

Faith Madame , heigh ho , I was ( to confesse truly ) a little foolish in my last seruice , to beleeue mens oaths , but I hope my example , though preiudiciall to my selfe , will be beneficiall to other yong Gentle-women in seruice , my mistresses brother ( the Gentle-man you nam'd e' now , master Bould ) hauing often attempted my honor , but finding it impregnable , vow'd loue , and marriage to me , at the last I , a yong thing and raw , being seduced , set my minde vpon him , but friends contradicting the match , I fell into a greiuous consumption , and vpon my first recouerie , least the intended sacred ceremonies of Nuptials should succede , his sister knowing this , thought it fit in her iudgement , we should be farther a sunder , and so put me out of her seruice .

Omnes .

Ha , ha , ha .

Wid.

God a mercie for this discouerie ifaith ,

Oh man what art thou ? when thy cock is vp ? come wil your lordship walke in ? t is dinner time .

Enter hastily M. Seldome with papers on his arme . Omnes .

Whos 's this ? whos 's this ?

Maid .

This is our Land-lord , Master Seldome ,

An exceeding wise Citizen , a very sufficient vnderstanding man , and exceeding rich .

Om.

Miracles are not ceasd .

Wid.

Good morrow Land-lord , where haue you beene sweating ?

Seld.

Good morrow to your Honors , thrift is industrious , your Lady-ship knowes we will not stick to sweat for our pleasures , how much more ought wee to sweat for our profits ? I am come from master Ingen this morning , who is married or to be married , and though your Ladyships did not honor his Nuptials with your presence , he hath by me sent each of you a paire of gloues , and Grace Seldome my wife is not forgot .

Exit . Omnes .

God giue him ioy , God giue him ioy .

Exeunt . Maid . Let all things most impossible change now . Oh periur'd man ! oathes are but words I see . But wherefore should not we that thinke we loue Vpon full merrit , that same worth once ceasing Surcease our loue to , and finde new desert ? Alas we cannot , loue 's a pit , which , when We fall into we ne're get out againe , And this same horrid newes which me assaults I would forget , loue blanches blackest faults : Oh! what path shall I treade for remedie ? But darkest shades , where loue with death doth lie . Exit . Manent HVSBAND , WIFE , SVBTLE . Wife .

Sir I haue often heard my husband speake of your acquaintance .

Husb. Nay my vertuous wife , Had it beene but acquaintance , this his absence Had not appear'd so vncouth , but we two Were Schoole-fellowes together , borne and nurs'd , Brought vp , and liu'd since like the Gemins , Had but one suck , the Tauerne or the Ordinarie . Ere I was married , that saw one of vs Without the other , said we walk't by halfes , Where deere , deere friend haue you beene all this while ? Subt. Oh most sweet friend the World 's so vicious , That had I with such familiaritie Frequented you since you were married , Possess'd and vs'd your fortunes as before , As in like maner you commanded mine , The deprau'd thoughts of men would haue proclaim'd Some scandalous rumors from this loue of ours , As saying , mine reflected on your Ladie , And what a wound had that beene to our soules ? When only friend-ship should haue beene the ground To hurt her Honor , and your confident peace , Spight of mine owne approu'd integritie . Husb. Wife , kisse him , bid him welcome pox o' th World , Come , come you shall not part from me in hast , I doe command thee vse this Gentle-man In all things like my selfe , if I should die I would bequeath him in my will to thee . Wife . Sir , you are most welcome , & let scandalous tongues No more deterre you , I dare vse you Sir , With all the right belonging to a friend , And what I dare , I dare let all man see My conscience rather , then mens thoughts be free . Husb. Will you looke in ? Wee 'le follow you . Now friend Exit . Wife . What thinke you of this Ladie ? Subt. Why sweet friend , That you are happie in her , shee is faire , Wittie and vertuous , and was rich to you , Can there be an addition to a wife ? Husb. Yes , constancie , for t' is not chastitie That liues remote from all attempters free , But there , ti 's strong and pure where all that wooe It doth resist , and turnes them vertuous too ; Therefore deere friend , by this , loues masculine kisse , By all our mutuall engagements past , By all the hopes of amitie to come , Be you the setler of my jealous thoughts , And make me kill my fond suspect of her , By assurance that shee is loyall , otherwise That shee is false , and then , as shee 's past cure , My soule shall euer after be past care . That you are fittest for this enterprize You must needs vnderstand , since prooue shee true ( In this your tryall ) you my dearest friend , ( Whom onely , rather than the World besides I would haue satisfied of her vertue ) shall be , And best conceale my folly , proue shee weake , T' is better you should know 't than any man , Who can reforme her , and doe me no wrong , Chimicall metals , and bright gold it selfe By sight are not distinguisht , but by 'th test , Thought makes good wiues , but triall makes the best : To the vnskilfull owners eies , alike The Bristow sparkles as the Diamond , But by a Lapidarie the truth is found , Come you shall not denie me . Subt. Doe not wrong So faire a wife ( friend ) and so vertuous , Whose good name is a theame vnto the World , Make not a wound with searching where was none , Misfortune still such projects doth pursue , He makes a false wife , that suspects a true ; Yet since you so importune , giue me leaue To ruminate a while , and I will straight Follow and giue you an answer . Husb. You must do it . Exit . Subt. Assure your selfe deere — Coxcombe , I will do 't Or strangely be denied , all 's as I wisht , This was my aime , although I haue seem'd strange . I know this fellow now to be an Asse ; A most vnworthie husband though in view He beare himselfe thus faire , shee knowes this too , Therefore the stronger are my hopes to gaine her : And my deere friend that will haue your wife trid'e , I 'le trie her first , then thrust her if I can , And as you said most wisely I hoped to be Both Touch-stone to your wise and Lapidarie . Exit .
Actus secundi Scaena prima . Enter SELDOME his WIFE working as in their shop . Grace .

Hvsband these gloues are not fit for my wearing , I 'le put 'em into the shop and sell 'em , you shall giue me a plaine paire for them .

Seld.

This is wonderfull , wonderfull , this is thy sweet care and iudgement in all things , this goodnesse is not vsuall in our wiues , well Grace Seldome , that thou art faire is nothing , that thou art well spoken is nothing , that thou art wittie is nothing , that thou art a Citizens wife is nothing ; but Grace , that thou art faire , that thou art well spoken , that thou art wittie , that thou art a Citizens wife , and that thou art honest I say , and let any mun denie it that can , it is something , it is something , I say , it is Seldomes something , and for all the Sunne-shine of my joy mine eyes must raine vpon thee .

Enter MALL with a Letter . Mall .

By your leaue Master Seldome , haue you done the hangers I bespake for the Knight ?

Seld.

Yes marrie haue I Mistris hic & hac , i 'le fetch 'em to you .

Exit . Mall .

Z'oones , does not your husband know my name , if it had beene some bodie else I would haue cal'd him Cuckoldlie slaue .

Grace .

If it had been some bodie else perhaps you might .

Mall .

Well I may be euen with him , all 's cleere ; pritie rogue I haue long'd to know thee this twelue moneths , and had no other meanes but this to speake with thee , there 's a letter to thee from the partie .

Grace . What partie ? Mall . The Knight Sir Iohn Louall . Grace . Hence lewd impudent I know not what to tearme thee man or woman , For nature shaming to acknowledge thee For either ; hath produc'd thee to the World Without a sexe , some say thou art a woman , Others a man ; and many thou art both Woman and man , but I thinke rather neither Or man and horse , as the old Centaures were faign'd . Mall .

Why how now Mistris , what lack yee ? are you so so fine with a poxe ? I haue seene a woman looke as modestly as you , and speake as sinceerely , and follow the Fryars as zealously , and shee has beene as sound a jumbler as e're paid for 't , t' is true Mris. Fipenie , I haue sworne to leaue this letter .

Grace . D' ee heare , you sword and target ( to speake in your owne key ) Marie Vmbree , Long-Meg , Thou that in thy selfe ( me think'st ) alone Look'st like a rogue and a whore vnder a hedge : Bawd , take your letter with you and begone , When next you come ( my Husband 's Constable ) And Bridewell is hard by , y 'aue a good wit , And can conceiue . Enter SELDOME with hangers . Seld. Looke you , heere are the hangers . Mall . Let 's see them . Fie , fie , you haue mistooke me quite , They are not for my turne ( b'y mistris Seldome ) Exit . Enter Lord PROVDLIE . Grace . Heere 's my Lord Proudlie . Lo. Proud . My Horse Laquey , is my sister Honor aboue ? Seld.

I thinke her Ladiship , my Lord , is not well , and keeps her Chamber .

Proud .

Al 's one , I must see her , haue the other La. din'd ?

Grace .

I thinke not my Lord .

Proud .

Then i 'le take a pipe of Tobacco heere in your shop if it be not offensiue , I would be loath to be thought to come iust at dinner time . Garsoon ; fill , sirrah , Enter PAGE with a pipe of Tobacco . What said the Gold-Smith for the money ?

Seldome hauing fetch a candle , walk's off at th' other end of the Shop , Lord sits by his wife . Page .

He said my Lord he would lend no man money that he durst not arrest .

Proud .

How got that wit into Cheape-side 'tro , hee is a Cuckold .

Saw you my Ladie to day , what saies shee ?

Takes Tobacco Page .

Marry my Lord , shee said her old husband had a great payment to make this morning , and had not left her so much as a jewell .

Proud .

A poxe of her old Cats chops , the teeth shee had , haue made a transmigration into haire , shee hath a bigger beard than I by this light .

Sel. This custome in vs Cittizens is good , Lo: whispers to Grace . Thus walking off when men talk with our wiues , It shew's vs curteous , and mannerly , Some count it basenesse , hee 's a foole that does so , It is the highest point of pollicie Especiallie when we haue vertuous wiues . Gr. Fie , fie , you talke vnciuillie my Lord . Pr.

Vnciuillie , mew , can a Lord talke vnciuilly ? I thinke you a finicall taffatae pipkin may be proud i le sit so neare it , vnciuillie mew .

Gr.

Your mothers Cat ha's kitten'd in your mouth sure :

Pr.

Prithee but note yon Felow , do's he not walke & look as if hee did desire to be a Cuckold ?

Gr.

But you doe not looke as if you could make him one , now they haue dind my Lord .

Enter Lord Feesimple , Maister Wel-tri'd . Feesi.

God saue your Lordship .

Pr.

How dost thou Coze , hast thou got any more wit yet ?

Feesim.

No by my troth I haue but litle money with that little wit I haue , and the more wit euer the lesse money , yet as litle as I haue of either : I would giue some thing that I durst but quarrell ,

I would not be abused thus daily as I am .

Welt.

Saue you my Lord .

Pr.

Good Maister Wel-tri'd , you can informe mee , pray how ended the quarrell betwixt yong Bould , and the other Gentleman .

Welt. Why very fairelie my Lord , on honorable tearmes , Young Bould was iniur'd and did challenge him , Fought in the field , and the other gaue him satisfaction Vnder his hand , I was Boulds second , and can shew it heere . Pr.

T' is strange there was no hurt done , yet I hold the other Gentleman , farr the better Man .

Welt.

So doe not I .

Pr.

Besides they say the satisfaction that walks in the Ordinaries , is counter-feit .

Welt. He lies that saies so , and i le make it good , And for I know my frend is out of towne , What Man soeuer wrongs him is my foe , I say he had full satisfaction , Nay that which wee may call submission : That the other sought peace first , and who denies this , Lord , Knight , or Gentleman , English , French , or Scot , I 'le fight and proue it on him with my sword . Feesi.

No sweet Maister Well-tri'd , let 's haue no fighting till ( as you haue promis'd ) you haue rid me from this foolish feare , and taught mee to endure to looke vppon a naked Sword .

Welt.

Well and i l'e be as good as my word .

Feesi.

But doe you heare Cozen Proudly ? they say my old Father must marrie your sister Honor , and that hee will disinherit me , and intaile all his Lordships on her , and the heire he shall beget on her bodie , i' st true or not ?

Proudly . There is such a report . Feesi. Why then I pray God he may die an ould Cuckoldlie slaue , oh world what art thou ? where is Parents loue ? Can he denie me for his naturall Child , Yet see ( oh fornicator ) ould and stiffe , Not where he should be , that 's my comfort yet ,

As for you my Lord : I will send to you as soone as I dare fight and looke vppon steele , which Maister Wel-tri'd I pray let be with all possible speede .

Pr. What d' ee this afternoone . Feesi.

Faith I haue a great mind to see long-megg and the ship at the Fortune .

Pr.

Nay afaith let 's vp and haue a rest at Primero .

Welt.

Agreed my Lord , and toward the Euening i l'e carrie you to the Companie .

Feesi.

Well no more words .

Exeunt Lord PROVDLY , Lord FEES . WEL-TR . Grace .

I wonder Sir you will walke so and let anie bodie sit prating to your wife ! were I a man I d'e thrust 'em out o t'h shop by the head and shoulders .

Sol.

There were no pollicie in that wife , so should I loose their custome , let them talke them selues wearie , and giue thee loue tokens still , I loose not by it .

Thy chastitie 's impregnable , I know it , Had I a dame whose eies did swallow youth , Whose vnchast gulph together did take in Masters , and Men , the Foot-bodies and their Lords , Making a Gally-moferie in her blood , I would not walke thus then : but vertuous wife , He that in chast eares poores his ribauld talke Begets hate to himselfe , and not consent ; And euen as durt throwne hard against a wall Rebounds and sparkles in the throwers eies , So ill words vtter'd to a vertuous Dame , Turne and defile the speaker with red shame . Exeunt . Enter HVSBAND and WIFE . Hus. Z'oones , you are a whore , though I entreat him faire Before his face , in complement , or so , I not esteeme him truly as this rush , Ther 's no such thing as friend-ship in the world , And he that can not sweare , dissemble , lie , Wants knowledge how to liue , and let him die . Wife . Sir I did thinke you had esteem'd of him As you made shew , therefore I vs'd him well , And yet not so but that the strictest eie I durst haue made a witnesse of my cariage . Husb. Plague a your carriage , why he kist your hand , Look't babies in your eies , and wink 't and pink't , You thought I had esteem'd him , S'blood you whore , Doe not I know , that you doe know you lie , When did'st thou heare me say and meane one thing ? Oh I could kick you now , and teare your face And eate thy Breasts like vdders . Wife .

Sir you may , but if I know what hath deseru'd al this I am no woman , 'cause he kist my hand , vnwillingly .

Hurb. A little lowder pray . Wife . You are a base fellow , an vnworthie man As e're poore Gentlewoman match't withall , Why should you make such shew of loue to any Without the truth , thy beastly minde is like Some decai'd Tradesman that doth make his wife Entertaine those for gaine he not endures , Pish , swell and burst , I had rather with thy sword Be hew'd to peeces , then lead such a life , Out with it valiant sir , I hold you for A drawer vpon women , not on men , I will no more conceale your hollow heart , But e'ne report you as you are in truth . Hub. This is cal'd marriage , stop your mouth you whore . Wife . Thy mother was a whore if I be one . Enter SVBTLE . Hus. You know ther 's companie in the house , sweet friend What haue you writ your letter ? Sub. T' is done , deere friend , I haue made you stay too long I feare you 'll be benighted . Husb. Fie , no , no , Madame & sweetest wife farewell , God blesse vs , Make much of master Subtle heere my friend kisse her . Till my returne , which may be ee'n as 't happens , According as my businesse hath successe . Exit . Subt. How will you passe the time , now fairest Mistresse . Wife . In troth I know not , wiues without their husbands Me thinks are lowring daies . Subt. Indeed some wiues Are like dead bodies in their Husbands absence . Wife . If any Wife be , I must needs be so That haue a Husband farre aboue all men , Vntainted with the humors others haue , A perfect man , and one that loues you truly , You see the charge he left of your good vsage . Subt. Push , hee 's an Asse , I know him , a starke Asse . Of a most barbarous condition , False-hearted to his friend , rough vnto you , A most desembling and perfideous fellow , I care not if he heard me , this I know , And will make good vpon him with my sword Or any for him , for he will not fight . Wife . Fie seruant , you shew small ciuilitie And lesse humanitie , d' ee require My husbands loue thus ill , or what d' ee thinke Of mee , that you will vtter to my face Such harsh , vnfriendly , slanderous iniuries Euen of my Husband ? Sir , forbeare I pray My eares , or your owne tongue , I am no hous-wife To heare my Husbands merrit thus deprau'd . Subt. His merrit is a halter by this light , You thinke hee 's out of Towne now , no such matter But gone aside , and hath importun'd me To trie your chastitie . Wife . It cannot be , Alas he is as free from jealouzie , And euer was as confidence it selfe , I know he loues me to , too heartily To be suspitious , or to proue my truth . Subt. If I doe faine in ought , ne're may I purchase The grace I hope for , and faire Misteris If you haue any spirit or wit , or sence , You will be euen with such a wretched slaue , Heauen knowes I loue you , as the ayre I draw , Thinke but how finely you may cuckold him , And safely too , with me , who will report To him , that you are most inuincible , Your Chastitie not to be subdu'd by man . Wife . When you know , I 'm a whore . Subt. A whore , fie , no , That you haue beene kind , or so , your whore doth liue In Pict-hatch , Turnebole-streete . Wife Your whore liues there , Well Seruant leaue me to my selfe a while , Returne a none , but beare this hope away , T' shall be with you , if I at all doe stray . Exit . Subtle . Why heer 's right wordly friendship , ye are well met ; Oh men ! what are you ? why is our poore sexe Still made the disgrac't subiects , in these plaies ? For vices , follie , and inconstancie ? When were men look't into with such criticall eies Of obseruation , many would be found So full of grosse and base corruption , That none ( vnlesse the Diuell himselfe turn'd writer ) Could faine so badly , to expresse them truely ; Some wiues that had a husband now like mine , Would yeeld their honors vp , to any man , Farre be it from my thoughts , oh let me stand , Thou God of marriage and chastitie , An honor to my sexe , no iniurie , Compell the vertue of my breast to yeeld , i s not reuenge for any wife , to staine The nuptiall bed , although she be yok't ill , Who fals , because her husband so hath done , Cures not his wound , but in her selfe makes one . Ex. Wife . Enter INGEN reading a letter , sits downe in a Chaire and stampes with his foote : to him a Seruant . Ing. Who brought this Letter ? Seru.

A little Irish foot-boy , Sir , he staies without for an answere .

Ing. Bid him come in Lord . What deepe dissemblers are these females , all , How farre vnlike a friend , this Ladie vs'd me , And heere , how like one mad in loue , she writes : Enter MAID like an Irish foot-boy with a dart , and gloues in hir pocket , and a handkercher . So blesse me Heauen , but thou art the prettiest boy That e're ran by a Horse , hast thou dwelt long With thy faire Mistris ? Maid . I came but this morning , Sir . Ing. How fares thy Ladie , boy ? Maid . Like to a turtle , that hath lost her mate , Drooping shee sits , her griefe Sir cannot speake , Had it a voice articulate , we should know How , and for what shee suffers ; and perhaps , ( But t' is vnlikely ) giue her Comfort Sir , Weeping shee sits , and all the sound comes from her , Is like the murmure of a siluer Brooke , Which her teares truely , would make there about her , Sate she in any hollow continent . Ing. Beleeue me boy ; thou hast a passionate tong , Liuely expression , or thy memorie Hath carried thy lesson well away , But wherefore mournes thy Ladie ? Maid . Sir , you know , And would to God I did not know my selfe . Ing. Ah las , it cannot be for loue to me , When last I saw her shee reuil'd me ( boy ) With bitter'st words , and wish't me neuer more To approch her sight , and for my marriage , now I doe sustaine it , as a pennance , due To the desert , that made her bannish me . Maid . Sir , I dare sweare , she did presume , no words Nor dangers , had beene powerfull to restraine Your comming to her , when she gaue the charge — But are you married truely ? Ing. Why my Boy ? Dost think I mock my selfe , I sent her gloues . Maid . The gloues she ha's return'd you Sir by me , And praies you giue them to some other Ladie That you 'll deceiue next , and be periur'd to . Sure you haue wrong'd her Sir , she bad me tell you , She ne're thought goodnesse dwelt in many men , But what there was of goodnesse in the world , Shee thought you had it all , but now shee sees The jewell she esteem'd is counterfeit That , you are but a common man , your selfe , A traitor to her , and her vertuous loue ; That all men are betraiers and their breasts As full of dangerous gulphes , as is the Sea , Where any woman thinking to finde Harbor , Shee and her honor are praecipitated , And neuer to be brought with safetie off : Ahlas my haplesse Ladie , desolate , Distrest , forsaken Virgin . Ing. Sure this Boy Is of an excellent nature , who so newly Tane to her seruice , feeles his Mistresse griefe , As he and they were old familiar friends , Why weep'st thou gentle Lord ? Maid . Who hath one teare , And would not sau 't from all occasions , From Brothers slaughters , and from mothers deaths To spend it heere , for my distressed Ladie ; But Sir my Ladie did commaund me begg To see your wife , that I may bare to her The sad report , what creature could make you Vntie the hand-fast plighted vnto her . Enter his Brother like a woman maskt . Ingen kisses her . Ingen. Wife , wife , come forth now — Gentle boy , be iudge If such a face as this being paid with scorne By her I did adore , had not full power To make me marrie . Maid . By the God of Loue , Shee s a faire Creature , but faith should be fairer . My Ladie , Gentle Mistresse , one that thought Shee had some intrest in this Gentleman , ( Who now is onelie yours ) Commaunded me To kisse your white hand , and to sigh and weepe , And wish you that content she should haue had In the fruition of her Loue you hold , She bad me say , God giue you ioy , to both ; Yet this withall ( if ye were married ) No one , her foot-steps euer more should meete , Nor see her face , but in a winding sheete . Brother . Ahlas poore Ladie , 'faith I pittie her , And , but to be i' th same state , could forgoe Any thing I possesse , to ease her woe . Maid . Loues blessing light vpon thy gentle soule , Men raile at women Mistris , but it is we Are false and cruell , ten times more vnkind , You are smoother farre , and of a softer mind : Sir , I haue one request more . Ing. Gentle Lad , It must be one of a strange-qualitie That I denie thee , both thy forme , and minde . Informe me that thy nurture hath beene better , Than to betray thee to this present life . Maid . T' is , that you would vouchsafe to entertaine me , My feete do tremble vnder me , to beare My bodie back vnto my vncouth Ladie , To assure her griefe ; what heart so hard , would owe A tongue , to tell so sad a tale to her ? Ahlas , I dare not looke vpon her eies , Where wronged loue , sits like the Basilisque , And sure would kill me for my dire report , Or rather should not I appeare like death , holding vp his dart . When euery word I speak shot through her hart , More mortallie than his vnsparing dart . Brother . Let me speake for the Boy . Ing. To what end ( loue ) No , I will sue to him , to follow me , Introth I loue thy sweet condition , And may liue to informe thy Lady of thee ; Come in drie , drie thine eies , respit thy woe : The effects of causes , crowne , or ouerthrow . Enter Lo. PROVD . Lo. FEESIM . WEL-TRI'D , Ma. SELDOME , WIDD . BOVLD pinning in a Ruffe , WIFE . Proud .

S'light , what should be become of her , you sweare she past not forth of dores , and i' th house she is not ?

Widd.

Did you not see her Princox ?

Proud .

This same Bawd has brought her letters from some yonger brother , and she is stole away .

Bould .

Bawd , I defie you , indeed your Lordship thinkes , you may make Bawds of whom you please , i 'le take my oath vpon a booke , since I met her in the necessarie house i' th morning , I ne're set eye on her .

Grace

Shee went not out of dores .

Proud

Sure shee has an inuisible ring .

Feesi

Marrie she 's the honester woman , for some of their ring are visible enough , the more shame for them , still say I , let the pond at Islington be search't : goe to , there 's more haue drown'd themselues for loue this yeare then you are aware of .

Proud .

Pish , you are a foole .

Welt.

S'hart call him foole againe .

Feesi.

By this light and I will , as soone as euer you haue shew'd me the Swaggerers .

Wife .

Her clothes are all younder my Lord .

Grace .

And euen those same she had on to day .

Proud .

Madam where is your Husband ?

Wife .

Rid into the Countrie .

Feesi.

O' my conscience , rid into France with your sister .

Omnes .

Away , away for shame .

Feesi.

Why , I hope she is not the first Ladie that has run away with other womens husbands .

Welt.

It may be shee 's stolne out to see a play .

Proud .

Who should goe with her , man ?

Wid.

Vpon my life you 'll heare on her at Master Ingens house , some loue past betwixt them , and we heard that he was married to day , to another .

Proud .

S'hart , i le go see .

Exit . Proudly . Welt.

Come to the Swaggerers .

Exeunt Feesi , Welt. Feesi.

Mercy vpon me , a man or a — Lord now ?

Omnes .

Heere 's a quoile , with a Lord and his sister .

Wid.

Princox , hast not thou pin'd in that Ruffe yet , ah ! how thou fumblest .

Bould .

Troth Madam , I was ne're brought vp to it , t' is Chamber-maids work , and I haue euer liu'd Gentlewoman . And beene vs'd accordingly .

Exeunt .
Actus tertius . Enter HVSBAND and SVBTLE . Subt. SHee 's a rare wife beleeue it Sir , were all such , Wee neuer should haue false inheritors . Husb. Pish friend , there is no woman in the world Can hould out in the end , If youth , shape , wit , Met in one subiect , doe assault her aptlie , For fayling once , you must not faint but trie Another way , the path of womens minds Are crooked , and diuerse , they haue by-waies To leade you to the Pallace of their pleasures , And you must wooe discreetely ; first obserue The disposition of her you attempt , If shee be sprightly , and heroicall , Possesse her that you are valiant , and haue spirit , Talke nothing but of beating euery man That is your hinderance , though you doe not doe it , Or dare not , t' is no matter . Be shee free And of a liberall soule , giue bounteously To all the seruants , let your angels flye About the roome , although you borrow'd 'em . If shee be wittie , so must your discourse Get wit , what shift so'ere you make for it , Though 't cost you all your land , and then a song Or two is not amisse , although you buy 'em , There 's many in the Towne will furnish you . Subt. But still I tell you , you must vse her roughly , Beate her face black and blew , take all her cloth's And giue them to some Punke , this will be ground For me to worke vpon . Husb. All this I haue done . I have left her now , as bare , that should I die , Her fortune ( ô my conscience ) would be To marrie some Tobacco-man , shee has nothing But an old black-woorke wastcote , which would serue Exceeding wel to fit i' th shop and light Pipes for the lowzie Footmen ( and sweete friend ) First heere 's a jewell to present her , then Heere is a Sonnet writ against my selfe , Which as thine owne thou shalt accost her with , Farewell and happie successe attend thee . Exit . Subt. Ha , ha , ha . [ he reads . Faire'd , still wilt thou be true To a man so false to thee ? Did be lend a Husbands due , Thou did'st owe him loyaltie ; But will curses , wants and blowes Breed no change in thy white soule ? Be not a foole to thy first vowes , Since his breach , doth thy faith controle , No beautie else , could be so chast , Thinke not thou honour'st women then , Since by thy conscience , all disgrac't , Are rob'd of the deare loues of men ; Then grant me my desire that vow to proue A reall husband , his adulterate loue . Tooke euer man more paines to be a Cuckold ? Oh! monstrous age where men themselues we see , Studie and pay for their owne infamie . Exit . Enter INGEN , MAID , PROVDLY , BROTHER like a woman , swords drawen . Proud . Giue me my sister , I le haue her forth thy heart . Ing. No earthly Lord can pull her out of that , Till he haue pluckt my heart first out , my Lord Wer 't not inhospitable , I could wrong you heere In mine owne house . I am so full of woe , For your lost sister that by all my ioyes Hop't for in her , my heart weepes teares of bloud , A whiter virgine , and a worthier , Had ne're creation : Leda's Swan was black To her virginitie , and immaculate thoughts . Proud . Where hast thou hid her ? giue her me againe , For by the God of vengeance , be she lost , The female hate shall spring betwixt our names , Shall neuer die , while one of either house Suruiues , our children shall at seuen yeares olde Strike kniues in one another . Ing. Let Hell gape And take me quick , if I know where she is , But am so charg'd with sorrow for her losse , Being one cause of it ( as no doubt I am ) That I had rather fal vpon my sword [ Offering to kill himselfe Then breath a minute longer . Broth. Oh sir ! hold . Proud . Thou shalt not neede , I haue a sword to bathe In thy false blood , inhumane murderer . Maid . Good Sir be pacified , i 'le goe , i 'le run Many a mile to finde your sister out ; Shee neuer was so desperate of grace , By violence to rob her selfe of life , And so her soule in danger ; comfort Sir , Shee 's but retir'd somewhere on my life . Ing. Preethee let me alone — [ To his Brother . Doe I stand to defend that wretched life That is in doubt of hers , heere worthy Lord , Behold a breast , fram'd of thy sisters loue , Hew it , for thou shalt strike but on a stock , Since she is gone that was the cause it liu'd . Proud . Out false dissembler , are not married ? Ing. No , behold , it is my yonger brother drest , Plucks off his headtir . A man , no woman , that hath guld the world , Intended for a happier euent Than this that follow'd , that she now is gone , Oh fond experiments of simple man , Foole to thy fate , since all thy project men't But mirth , is now conuerted vnto death . Maid . Oh doe not burst me joy , that modestie aside . Would let me show my selfe to finish all . Proud . Nay , then thou hast my sister somewhere villain , T' is plaine now , thou wilt steale thy marriage , Shee is no match for thee , assure thy selfe . If all the law in England , or my friends Can crosse it , t' shall not be . Ing. Would t' were so well , And that I knew the Ladie to be safe . Giue me no ill words ; Sir , this Boy and I Will wander like to Pilgrimes , till we finde her : If you doe loue her as you talke , doe so : The loue or griefe that is exprest in words , Is sleight and easie , t' is but shallow woe That makes a noise , deep'st waters stillest goe ; I loue her better then thy parents did , Which is beyond a Brother . Proud . Slaue , thou liest . Ing. Z'oones . [ about to strike Broth. Kill him . Maid . Oh hold ; Sir , you dishonour much your brother , To counsaile him 'gainst hospitalitie , To strike in his owne house . Ing. You , Lord insolent , I will fight with you , Take this , as a challenge , and set your time . Proud . To morrow morning Ingen , T' is that I couet , and prouoke thee for . Bro. Wil you not strike him now ? Ing. No , my good Boy Is both discreete and just in his aduise , Thy glories are to last but for a day ; Giue me thy hand , to morrow morning thou shalt be no Lo. Proud . To morrow noone , thou shalt not be at all . Ing. Pish , why should you thinke so , haue not I armes , A soule as bold as yours , a sword as true : I doe not thinke your Honor in the field Without your Lordships liueries will haue oddes . Pr. Farewell , and le ts haue no excuses , pray . Exit . Pr. Ing. I warrant you , pray say your prayers to night , And bring no ink-horne w' ee , to set your hand to A satisfactorie recantation . Exit . Maid . Oh wretched Maid , whose sword can I pray for ? But by the others losse , I must find death , Oh odious brother , if he kill my loue , Oh bloodie Loue , if he should kill my brother ; Dispaire on both sides of my discontent , Tel's me no safetie rests but to preuent . Exit . Enter WIDDOW and BOVLD like Princox . Wid. What 's a clock Princox ? Bould . Bed-time an 't please you Madame . Wild. Come , vndresse me , would God had made me a man . Bould . Why , Madame ? Wid.

Because I would haue beene in bed as soone as they , wee are so long vnpinning and vnlacing .

Bou.

Yet many of vs Madame are quickly vndone sometime , but heerein we haue the aduantage of men , though they can be a bed sooner than we , i't s a great while when they are a bed e're they can get vp .

Wid.

Indeed if they be well laid Princox , one cannot get them vp againe in hast .

Bould .

Oh God Madame , how meane you that , I hope you know , ill things taken into a Gentlewomans eares , are the quick corrupters of maiden modestie , I would be loath to continue in any seruice vnfit for my virgin estate , or where the world should take any notice of light behauiour in the Ladie I follow : for Madame , the maine point of chastitie in a Ladie , is to build the rock of a good opinion amongst the people by circumstances , and a faire shew she must make , Si , non caste , tamen caste Madame , and though wit be a wanton Madame : yet I beseech your Lady-ship for your owne credit and mine , let the bridle of judgement be alwaies in the chaps of it to giue it head , or restraine it , according as time and place shall be conuenient .

Wid.

Precise and learned Princox , dost not thou goe to Black-fryers .

Bould .

Most frequently Madame , vnworthy vessell that I am to partake or retaine any of the delicious dew , that is there distilled .

Wid.

But why shouldst thou aske me what I meant e'ne now , I tell thee there 's nothing vtter'd that carries a double sence , one good , one bad , but if the hearer applie it to the worst , the fault lies in his or her corrupt vnderstanding , not in the speaker , for to answere your lattine : prauis omnia praua , beleiue me wench , if ill come into my fancie , I will purge it by speech , the lesse will remaine within : a pox of these nise mouth'd creatures , I haue seen a narrow paire of lips vtter as broad a taile , as can be bought for money ; Indeed an ill tale vnutter'd , is like a maggot in a nut , it spoiles the whitest kernell .

Bould .

You speake most intellegently Madame .

Wid.

Ha'st not done yet ? thou art an old fumbler , I perceiue me thinkes thou doest not doe things like a woman .

Bould .

Madame , I doe my endeauour , and the best can doe no more , they that could doe better , it may be would not , and then t' were all one , but rather then be a burthen to your Lady-ship , I protest sincerely , I would beg my bread , therefore I beseech you Madame to hold me excus'd , and let my good will stand for the action .

Wid.

Let thy good will stand for the action ? If good will would doe it , there 's many a Ladie in this Land would be content with her old Lord , and thou canst not be a burthen to me , without thou lie vpon me , and that were preposterous in thy sexe ; take no exceptions at what I say , remember you said stand e'ne-now , there was a word for one of your coate indeede .

Bould .

I sweat Madame , you are verie merrie , God send you good luck , ha's your Ladyship no waters , that you vse at bed-time ?

Wid.

No in troth , Princox .

Bould .

No Complexion ?

Wid.

None but mine own I sweare , did'st thou euer vse any ?

Bould .

No indeede Madame : now and then a peece of scarlet , or so ; a little white and red Cerusse ; but in troth Madame , I haue an excellent receipt for a night masque , as euer you heard .

Wid.

What is it ?

Bould .

Bores grease one ounce , Iordane Almonds blanch't and ground a quarterne , red Rose-water , halfe a pint , Mares vrine , newly couer'd , halfe a score drops .

Wid.

Fough , no more of thy medicine , if thou lou'st me , few of our Knights errant , when they meete a faire Ladie errant , in a morning , would thinke her face had lien so plaster'd all night : thou hast had some Apothecarie to thy sweet heart : but leauing this face physick , for ( by my troth ) it may make others haue good ones ; but it makes me make a scuruie one . Which of all the Gallants in the Towne would'st thou make a husband of , if thou might'st haue him for thy chusing ?

Bould .

In troth Madame , I but you 'll say I speake blindly , but let my loue stand a side .

Wid.

I think it not fit indeede your loue should stand in the middle .

Boul.

I say Master Bould ; oh , do but marke him Madame , his leg , his hand , his bodie , & all his members stand in print .

Wid.

Out vpon thee Princox ; no , me thinkes Wel-tride a handsome fellow , I like not these starch'd Gallants : masculine faces , and masculine gestures please me best .

Bould .

How like you Master Pert ?

Wid.

Fie vpon him , when he is in his skarlet clothes , he lookes like man of waxe , and I had as leue haue a dogge a waxe , I do not thinke but he lies in a case a nights , he walkes as if he were made of gyues , as if nature had wrought him in a frame , I haue seene him sit discontented a whole play , because one of the purles of his band was fallen ( out of his reach ) to order againe .

Bould .

Why ? Bould Madame is cleane contrarie .

Wid.

I but that 's as ill , each extreame , is a like vicious ; his carefull carelesnesse is his studie , he spends as much time to make himselfe slouenly , as the other to be spruse , his garters hang euer on the calues of his legs , his dublet vnbutten'd , and his points vntrust , his haire in 's eyes like a drunkard , and his hat worne on his hinder part of his head , as if he car'd more for his memorie , than his wit : makes him looke as if he were distracted ; Princox , I would haue you lie with me , I doe not loue to lie alone .

Bould .

With all my heart Madame .

Wid.

Are you cleane skind ?

Bould .

Cleane skind Madame ? there 's a question , do you thinke I haue the itch ? I am an English-woman , I protest , I scorne the motion .

Wid.

Nay prithee Princox be not angrie , it 's a signe of honestie I can tell you .

Bould .

Faith Madam I thinke ti 's but simple honestie that dwels at the signe of me scab .

Wid.

Well , well , come to bed , and wee 'le talke further of all these matters .

Exit . Bould . Fortune , I thanke thee , I will owe thee eies For this good turne , now is shee mine indeede , Thou hast giuen me that successe my project hop'd Of , false disguise that hast beene true to me , And now be Bould , that thou mai'st welcome be . Exit . Enter WHOORE-BANG , BOTS , TEARE-CHOPS , SPIL-BLOVD , and DRAWER : seuerall patches on their faces . Tear .

Dam-me , we will haue more wine , sirrha , or wee 'l downe into the Seller , and drowne thee in a Butt of Malmesey , and he wall the Hogs-heads in peeces .

Whoore.

Hang him rogue , shall he die as honorably as the Duke of Clarence ; by this flesh le ts haue wine , or I will cut thy head off , haue it rosted and eaten in Pie-corner next Bartholmew-tide .

Draw .

Gentlemen , I beseech you consider where you are , Turne-bole streete , a ciuill place , do not disturbe a number a poore Gentlewomen , Master Whoore-bang , Ms: Bots , Ma : Teare-chops , and Ma : Spill-bloud the Watch are abroad .

Spilb.

The Watch ? why you rogue , are not we Kings of Turne-bole ?

Draw .

Yes marrie are yee , Sir , for my part , if you 'l be quiet , i le haue a signe made of yee , and it shall be cal'd the foure Kings of Turne bole .

Bots.

Will you fetch vs wine ?

Whoore.

And a whoore ( sirrah )

Draw .

Why what d' ee thinke of me , am I an Infidell , a Turke , a Pagan , a Sarazan , I haue beene at Besse Turnups , and she sweares all the Gentlewomen went to see a Play at the Fortune , and are not come in yet , and she beleeues they sup with the Players .

Tear .

Dam-me , we must kill all those rogues , we shall neuer keepe a whore honest for them .

Bots.

Goe your waies , sirrha , wee 'l haue but a gallon a peice , and an ounce of Tobacco .

Draw .

I beseech you , let it be but pottles .

Spilb.

S'hart you rogue ?

Exit . Draw . Enter WEL-TRI'D and FEE-SIMPLE . Whoore.

Master Well-tri'd , welcome as my soule .

Enter DRAWER with Wine , Plate , and Tobacco . Bots.

Noble Lad , how do'st thou ?

Spilb.

As welcome , as the Tobacco and the Wine Boy .

Tear .

Dam-me thou art .

Fees .

Blesse mee ( saue you Gent ) They haue not one face among 'em . I could wish my selfe well from them , I would I had put out something vpon my returne , I had as leue be at the Barmuthoes .

Welt.

Pray welcome this Gentleman .

Spilb.

Is he valiant ?

Welt.

Faith hee 's a little faulty that way : somewhat of a bashfull and backward nature , yet I haue brought him amongst you , because he hath a great desire to be flesh'd .

Fees .

Yes faith Sir , I haue a great desire to be flesh'd : now Mr. Well-tri'd said , hee would bring mee to the onely flesh-mongers in the towne .

Welt.

Sir , he cannot endure the sight of steele .

Whor.

Not steele ? zoones .

Claps his Sword ore the Table . Fees .

Now I am going .

Bot.

Here 's to you sir , i 'le fetch you again with a cup of sack .

Fees .

I pledge you sir , and begin to you in a cup of Claret :

Welt.

Harke you my Lo: what will you say , if I make you beate all these out of the roome ?

Fees .

What will I say ? why I say it is impossible , ti 's not is mortall man .

Welt.

Well drinke apace , if any braue you out braue him , I le second you , they are a Companie of cowards beleeue me .

Feesi.

By this light I would they were els , if I thought so , I would be vpon the Iack of one of 'em instantly , that same litle Dame me , but Mr. Wel-tri'd if they be not verie valiant or dare not fight ! how come they by such Cuts and gashes , and such broken faces ?

Wel.

Why their whores strike 'em with Cans , and glasses , and quart pots , if they haue nothing by 'em , they strike 'em with the Poxe , and you know that will lay ones nose as flat as a basket hilt Dagger .

Fee .

Well let me alone .

Tear .

This bullie dares not drink .

Fee .

Dare I not Sir .

Welt.

Well said , speake to him man .

Fee .

You had best trie me Sir .

Spilb.

Wee foure will drinke foure healths to foure of the seauen deadly sines , Pride , Drunkennesse , wrath & Lecherie .

Fee .

I 'le pledge 'em , and I thanke you , I know 'em all , heere s one .

Wh

Which of the sinnes ?

Fee .

By my troth e'ne to Pride .

Wel.

Why well said , and in this doe not you only pledge your Mistris health , but all the womens in the world .

Fee .

So now , this little Cup to Wrath , because he and I are strangers .

Tear .

Braue boy , Dame me he shall be a Rorer .

Fee .

Dame me , I will be a rorer , or 't shall cost me a fall .

Botts .

The next place that falls , pray let him haue it .

Fee .

Well , I haue two of my healths to drinke yet , Lecherie and Drunkennesse which en'e shall goe together .

Welt.

Why how now my Lord , a Morralist ?

Botts .

Dame mee , art thou a Lo: what vertues hast thou ?

Fee .

Vertues ? enough to keepe ere a Dame me Company in England , me thinkes you should thinke it vertue enough to be a Lord .

Whore .

Will not you pledg these healths ? wee 'le haue no obseruers .

Welt

Why , Mounser Whore-bang ? I am no play maker , and for pledging your healths , I loue none of the foure , you drank to so well .

Spilb.

Zoones you shall pledge me this .

Welt.

Shall I ?

Fee .

What s the matter , do'st heere Maister Wel-trid , vse thine owne discretion , if thou wilt not pledge him , say so ? and let me see , if er'e a Dame me of 'em all , will force thee .

Spilb.

Puffe , will your Lordship take anie Tobacco ? you Lord with the white face ?

Botts .

Heart he cannot put it through his nose .

Fee .

Faith you haue neare a nose to put it through , d ee heart blow your face sirra .

Tear .

You le pledge me Sir ?

Wilt.

Indeede I will not .

Tear .

Dame me hee shall not then .

Tear . Lord , vse your owne words , Dame me is mine , I am knowne by it all the towne o're , d' ee heare ? Fee .

It is as free for mee as you , d' ee here Patch ?

Tear .

I haue paid more for 't .

Welt.

Nay I le beare him witnesse in a truth , his soule lies for t my Lord .

Spilb.

Wel-tri'd , you are growne proud since you got good Clothes , and haue follow'd your Lord .

Strikes , & they scuffle . Whoore.

I haue knowne you lowzie , Wel trid ,

Welt.

Rorer you lie .

Draw and fight , throw pots and stooles . Dr.

Oh Iesu .

All Sw.

Zoones cleaue or be cleft : pell mell , slash armes and legges .

Fee .

Hart let me alone with 'em .

Breake off . Welt.

Why now thou art a worthy wight , indeed a Lord a Lorne .

Fee

I am a mad man , looke is not that one of their heads ?

Welt.

Fie no my Lord .

Fee .

Dam me but t is , I would not wish you to crosse me a purpose , if you haue anie thing to say to me , so , I am readie .

Welt.

Oh braue Lord , manie a rorer thus is made by wine : come it is one of their heads my Lord .

Fee .

Why so then , I will haue my humour , if you loue me , let 's goe breake windowes somewhere .

Welt.

Drawer , take your plate , for the reckoning there 's some of their cloakes : I will be no shot-log to such .

Draw .

Gods blessing o' your heart , for thus ridding the house of them .

Exeunt .
Actus quarti Scaena prima . Enter WIDDOW vndrest , a sword in her hand , and BOVLD in his shirt , as started from bed . Wid. Vnciuill man , if I should take thy life , It were not to be weigh'd with thy attempt : Thou hast for euer lost mee . Bould . Maddam , why ? Can loue beget losse ? Doe I couet you Vnlawfully ? Am I an vnfit man . To make an husband of ? Send for a Priest , First consummate the match , and then to bed Without more trouble . Wid. No , I will not doe 't . Bould . Why you confest to mee as you'r Gentlewoman , I was the man your heart did most affect : That you did doate vpon my minde and body . Wid. So , by the sacred and inuiolate knot Of marriage , I doe , but will not wed thee . Bould . Why yet inioy me now . Consider Lady , That little , but blest time , I was in bed , Although I lay as by my sisters side , The world is apt to censure otherwise : So 't is necessitie that wee marry now . Wid. Pish , I regard not ( at a straw ) the world : Fame from the tongues of men doth iniury Oftner then Iustice : and as conscience Onely makes guilty persons , not report : ( For shew we cleare as springs vnto the world , If our owne knowledge doe not make vs so , That is no satisfaction to our selues ; ) So stand wee ne're so leprous to mens eye , It cannot hurt hart-knowne integritie . You haue trusted to that fond opinion , This is the way to haue a widdow-hood , By getting to her bed : Ahlas young man , Should'st thou thy selfe tell thy companions Thou hadst dishonour'd mee ( as you men haue tongues Forked and venom'd 'gainst our subiect sexe ) It should not moue me , that know 't is not so : Therefore depart , Truth be my vertuous shield . Bould . Few widdowes would doe thus . Wid. All modest , would . Bould . To be in bed and in possession Euen of the marke I aim'd at , and goe off Foild and disgrac't , come , come , you 'll laugh at me Behind my back , publish I wanted spirit , And mock me to the Ladies , call me childe , Say you denide me but to trie the heate And zeale of my affection toward you , Then clap't vp with a rime , as for example . Hee coldly loues , retires , for one vaine triall , For wee are yeelding , when we make deniall . Wid. Seruant I make no question , from this time You 'll hold a more reuerent opinion Of some that weare long coates , and t is my pride , To assure you that there are amongst vs good : And with this continencie , if you goe away , I 'le be so farre from thinking it defect , That I will hold you worthiest of men . Bould . S'hart , I am Tantalus , my long'd for fruit Bobs at my lips , yet still it shrinks from me . Haue not I that , which men say neuer failes To o'recome any ? oportunitie ? Come , come , I am too cold in my assault . By all the vertues , that yet euer were In man , or woman , I with reuerence Doe loue thee Ladie , but will be no foole To let occasion slip , her fore-top from me . Wid. You will faile this way to , vpon my knees I doe desire thee to preserue thy vertues , And with my teares my honor ; t' is as bad To loose our worths to them , or to deceaue Who haue held worthy opinions of vs , As to betray trust : all this I implore For thine owne sake , not mine , as for my selfe , If thou bee'st violent , by this stupid night , And all the mischiefes her darke wombe hath bred , I 'le raise the house , I 'le crie a rape . Bo. I hope you will not hang me , that were murther Ladie , A greater sinne , then lying with me sure . Wid. Come , flatter not your selfe with argument , I will exclaime ; the law hangs you , not I , Or if I did , I had rather farre confound The deerest bodie in the world to me , Then that , that bodie , should confound my soule . Bould . Your soule , ahlas Mistresse , are you so fond To thinke her generall destruction Can be procur'd by such a naturall act , Which beasts are borne to and haue priuiledge in ? Fie , fie , if this could be , farre happier Are sensitiue soules in their creation Than man the prince of creatures , thinke you Heauen Regards such mortall deeds , or punisheth Those acts , for which he hath ordained vs ? Wid. You argue like an Atheist , man is neuer The prince of creatures , as you call him now , But in his reason , faile that , he is worse Than Horse or Dog , or beasts of wildernesse , And t is that reason teacheth vs to doe Our actions vnlike them : then that which you Termed in them a priuiledge beyond vs , The basenesse of their being doth expresse , Compar'd to ours , Horses , Buls , and Swine , Doe leape their Dams , because man does not so , Shall we conclude his making happilesse ? Bould . You put me downe , yet will not put me downe , I am too gentle , some of you I haue heard , Loue not these words but force , to haue it done As they sing prick-song , e'ne at the first sight . Wid. Go too , keep off , by Heauen and Earth , i 'le call else . Bould How if no bodie heare you ? Wid. If they doe not , I 'le kill you with mine owne hand , neuer stare , Or failing that fall on this sword my selfe . Bould . Oh widdow wonderfull , if thou bee'st not honest . Now God forgiue my mother and my sisters . Thinke but how finely Madam vndiscouer'd For euer you and I , might liue all day your Gentlewoman To doe you seruice , but all night your man To doe you seruice , newnesse of the trick , If nothing else might stirre ye . Wid. T' is a stale one And was done in the Fleete ten yeares agoe , Will you begon ? the doore is open for you . Bould . Let me but tarrie till the morning Madam , To send for clothes , shall I goe naked home . Wid. T' is best time now , it is but one a clock , And you may goe vnseene , I sweare by Heauen , I would spend all the night to sit and talke w' ee , If I durst trust you , I doe loue you so , My bloud forsakes my heart now you depart . Bould . S'hart , will you marrie me heereafter then ? Wid. No , you are too yong , and I am much too old ; I and vnworthy , and the world will say , We married not for loue , good morrow seruant . Ex. Wid. Bould .

Why so ? these women are the errantst Iuglers in the World , the wry-leg'd fellow is an Asse to 'em . Well I Musique . must haue this widdow , what e're come on 't : Faith she has turn'd me out of her seruice verie barely , harke , what s heere , musique .

Enter SVBTLE with a paper , and his BOY with a cloake . Subt. Rise Ladie Mistresse , rise : The night hath tedious beene , No sleepe hath fallen into my eies , Nor slumbers made me sinne . Is not she a Saint then say , Thought of whom keepes sinne away ? Rise Madame , rise and giue me light , Whom darkenesse still will couer . And ignorance darker than night , Till thou smile on thy louer ; All want day till thy beautie rise , For the grate morne breakes from thine eies . Now sing it sirrha . [ The Song sung by the Boy . Subt.

S'foote , who 's this ? yong Master Bould ? God saue you , you are an earely stirrer .

Bould .

You say true Master Subtle , I haue beene earely vp , but as God helpe me , I was neuer the neere .

Subt.

Where haue you beene Sir ?

Bould .

What 's that to you Sir ? at a womans labour .

Subt.

Very good : I neare tooke you for a man Mid-wife before .

Bould .

The troth is , I haue beene vp all night at dice , & lost my clothes , good morrow Master Subtle , pray God the Watch be broke vp : I thanke you for my Musique :

Exit : Subt:

T is palpable by this aire , her husband and being abroad , Bould has layen with her , and is now conuai'd out of doores . Is this the Ladie Perfect with a poxe ? The truth is , her vertuous chastitie , began to make me make a myracle of her , still holding out to me , notwithstanding her husbands most barbarous vsage of her , but now indeede t' is no maruaile since another possesses her . Well Madame , I le go finde out your Cuckold , i le be reueng'd on you and tell a tale Shall tickle him , this is a cheate in loue , Not to be borne , another to beguile Me of the game , I plaid for all this while .

Exit . Enter WELTRI'D , and BOVLD puting on his doublet , FEE-SIMPLE on a bed , as in Bould's chamber . Welt.

You see , we made bould with your lodging , indeed , I did assure my selfe , you were fast for this night .

Bo.

But how the Deuill came this foole in your companie ?

Welt.

S'foote man , I carried him last night among the Rorers , to flesh him , and by this light he got drunke , and beate e'm all .

Bould .

Why then he can endure the sight of a drawne sword now ?

Welt.

Oh God Sir , I thinke in my conscience , he will eate steele shortlie , I know not how his conuersion will hold after this sleepe , but in an houre or two ( last night ) he was growne such a little dam-me , that I protest , I was afraid of the spirit , that I my selfe had rais'd in him : but this other matter of your expulsion thus mads me to the heart ; Were you in bed with her ?

Bould .

In bed by Heauen .

Welt.

I 'le be hang'd , if you were not busie to soone , you should haue let her slept first .

Bould .

Z'oones man , she put her hands to my breasts and swore I was no maid , now I being eager to proue her words true , tooke that hint , and would violently haue thrust her hand lower , when her thought being swifter then my strength , made her no sooner imagine that she was betrai'd , but she leapes out of the bed , whips me downe a sword that hung by , and as , if fortitude and justice had met to assist her , spight of all argument faire or fowle she forc't me away .

Welt.

But is 't possible thou should'st haue no more wit , would'st thou come away vpon any tearmes , but sure ones , hauing night , her chamber and her selfe naked in thine armes ? By that light , if I had a sonne of 14 whom I had help 't thus farre , that had seru'd me so , I would breech him .

Bould .

S'hart , what would you haue me done ?

Welt.

Haue done ? done , done twice at least .

Bould .

Haue plaid Tarquin and rauish't her .

Welt.

Pish , Tarquin was a block-head , if he had had any wit and could haue spoke , Lucrece had neuer been rauished , she would haue yeelded , I warrant thee , & so wil any woman

Bould .

I was such an erronious heretique to loue , and women , as thou art , till now .

Welt.

God's pretious , it makes me mad , when I thinke on 't : was there euer such an obsur'd trick ? now will she abuse thee horriblie , say thou art a faint-hearted fellow , a milk-sop and I know not what , as indeede thou art .

Bould .

Z'oones , would you had beene in my place .

Welt.

Z'oones , I would I had , I would haue so jumbl'd her honestie : would'st thou be held out at staues end with words ? dost not thou know a widdow 's a weake vessell , and is easily cast if you close .

Bould .

Weltri'd , you deale vnfriendly .

Welt.

By this light I shal blush to be seen in thy companie .

Bould .

Pray leaue my chamber .

Welt. Poxe vpon your chamber , I care not for your chamber , nor your selfe More than you care for me . Bo. S'blood I as little for you . Welt. Why fare you well . Bo. Why , fare-well you . Weltri'd , I prithee stay , Thou know'st I loue thee . Welt.

S'hart , I loue you as well ; but for my spleene , or choller I thinke , I haue as much as you .

Bo. Well friend , this is the businesse you must doe for me , Repaire vnto the widdow , where giue out , To morrow morne , I shall be married , Inuite her to the wedding , I haue a trick , To put vpon this Lord to , whom I made My instrument to preferre me . Welt. What shall follow , I will not aske , because I meane to see 't . The jars 'twixt friends , still keeps their friendship sweet . Ex. Feesi. Why Weltri'd , you rogue , what s that a vision ? Bould .

Why how now my Lord ? who do you call rogue ? the Gentleman you name is my friend , if you were wise I should be angrie .

Feesi. Angrie with me ? why dam me Sir , and you be ; Cut with your sword , it is not with me I tell you As it was yesterday , I am flesht man , I . Haue you any thing to say to me ? Bould .

Nothing but this , how many doe you thinke , you haue slaine last night ?

Feesi.

Why fiue , I neuer kill lesse .

Bould .

There was but foure : my Lord , you had best prouide your selfe and begon , three you haue slaine starke dead .

Feesi.

You jest .

Bould .

T' is most true , Weltri'd is fled .

Feesi.

Why let the Rorers meddle with me another time , as for flying , I scorne it , I kild 'em like a man ; when did you euer see a Lord hang for any thing ? we may kill whom we list , marry my conscience pricks me ; ah plague a this drinke , what things it makes vs doe , I doe no more remember this now than a puppie-dogge .

Oh bloodie Lord that art bedawb'd with gore , Vaine world adiew , for I will rore no more . Bould

Nay stay my Lord , I did but trie the tendernesse of your conscience , all this is nothing so , but to sweeten the tale ( I haue for you ) I foretold you this fain'd mischance .

Feesi.

Is it a tale belonging to the Widdow ?

Bould .

I thinke you are a witch .

Feesi.

My grand-mother was suspected .

Bould .

The Widdow has desired you by me to meete her to morrow morning at Church in some vnknowne disguise , least any suspect it , for quoth she ,

Long hath he held me fast in his moist hand , Therefore I will be his in nuptiall band . Feesi.

Bould , I haue euer taken you to be my friend , I am very wise now , and valiant , if this be not true , dam-me Sir , you are the sonne of a whore , and you lie , and I will make it good with my sword .

Bould .

I am , what e're you please Sir , If it be not true , I will goe with you to the Church my selfe , your disguise I haue thought on ; the Widdow is your owne . Come , leaue your fooling .

Feesi. If this be true , thou little Boy , Cant. Bould . So true , as thou tel'st to me , To morrow morne when I haue the Widdow , My deare friend shalt thou be . Exeunt . Enter MAID like the foote-boy : SELDOME with a couple of SERIEANTS , PITS , DONNER . Maid . Sir , t' is most true and in this shall you be vnlike to other Citizens that arrest To vndoe Gentlemen : your clemencie heere perchance saues two liues , one from the others sword , The other from the Lawes ; this morne they fight , And though your debtor be a Lord , yet should he Miscarrie , certainely your debt were lost . Seld. Do'st thou serue the Lord Proudly ? Maid . Sir , I do . Seld. Well , such a Boy as thou , is worth more money Then thy Lord owes me , t' is not for the debt I doe arrest him , but to end this strife , Which both may loose my money and his life . Enter Lord PROVDLY with a riding rod . Pr. My Horse there , Z'oones I would not for the world He should alight before me in the field , My name and honor were for euer lost . Seld. Good morrow to your Honor , I doe heare Your Lordship this faire morning is to fight , And for your honor : Did you neuer see The Play , where the fat Knight hight Old-castle , Did tell you truly what this honor was ? Pr. Why , how now good man flat-cap , what d' ee lack ? Who doe you talke to , sirrha ? 1. Serg. We arrest you . Pr.

Arrest me , rogue ? I am a Lord ye curs , a Parliament man .

2. Serg. Sir , we arest you though . Pr. At whose suit ? Seld. At mine , Sir . Pr. Why thou base rogue , did not I set thee vp , Hauing no stock , but thy faire shop and wise ? Seld. Into my house with him . Maid . Away with him , away with him . Pr.

A plot , a trick by Heauen . See Ingens foote-boy , t' is by his Masters meanes , oh coward , slaue ; i 'le put in baile , or pay the debt .

Sel. I , I , I , wee 'll talke with you within — thrust him in . Ex. Enter INGEN looking on his sword and bending it , his brother like a Man . Ing. If I miscarrie Franck , I prithee see All my debts paid , about fiue hundred pounds Will fully satisfie all men , and my land And what I else possesse , by natures right And thy descent , Franck , I make freely thine . Broth. I know , you doe not thinke I wish you dead For all the benefit : besides , your spirit So opposite to counsaile , to auert Your resolution , that I saue my breath , Which would be lost in vaine , to expire and spend Vpon your foe , if you fall vnder him . Ing. Franck , I protest you shall doe iniurie Vnto my foe , and much disturbance to Vnto my soule departing , die I heere Fairely , and on my single enemies sword , If you should not let him go off vntouch't . Now by the Master of thy life and mine , I loue thee Boy , beyond any example , As well as thou do'st me , but should I goe Thy second to the field , as thou dost mine , And if thine enemie kild thee like a man , I would desire , neuer to see him more , But he should beare himselfe off with those wounds He had receau'd from thee , for that time safe , And without persecution by the Law , For what hap is our foes , might be our owne , And no mans iudgement , sits in Iustice place , But weighing other mens as his owne case . Broth. He has the aduantage of you being a Lord , For should you kill him , you are sure to die , And by some Lawyer with a golden tongue , That cries for right , ten angels on his side ; Your daring meete him , cal'd presumption : But kill he you , hee , and his noble friends Haue such a golden snaffle for the jawes Of man , deuouring Pithagorean Law , Thei 'le reyne her stubborne chaps , e'ne to her taile ? And though she haue yron teeth to meaner men , So master her , that who displeasd her most , She shall lie vnder like a tired jade , For small boates on rough seas are quickly lost , But ships ride safe , and cut what by they list . Ing. Follow what may , I am resolu'd deare Brother , This monster vallor , that doth feed on men , Groanes in me for my reputation . This charge I giue thee to , If I doe die , Neuer to part from the yong Boy , which late I entertain'd , but loue him for my sake : And for my Mistresse the Ladie Honor , Whom to deceiue , I haue deceiu'd my selfe . If she be dead , pray God I may giue vp My life a sacrifice on her , brothers sword ; But if thou liu'st to see her gentle brother , If I be slaine , tell her I dy'de because I had transgrest against her worthy loue . This sword is not well mounted , le ts see thine . Enter MAID like a foote-boy . Maid . Your staying Sir , is in vaine , for my Lord Proudly , Iust at his taking horse to meete you heere , At Seldomes suit the Citizen , was arrested Vpon an action of two hundred pounds , I saw it Sir , t' is true . Ing. Oh , scuruie Lord , It had beene a cleanlier shift then this to haue had It hinder'd by command , he being a Lord , But I will finde him . Enter Lord PROVDLY . Proud . You see , valiant Sir , I haue got loose Pro. stabs his sister . For all your stratagem , oh rogue are you there . Ing. Most ignoble Lord . Ingen stabs Proud . in the left arme . Proud . Coward thou did'st this That I might be disabled for the fight , Or that thou mightst haue some excuse to shun me , But t' is my left arme , thou hast lighted on . I haue no second ; heere are three of you , If all doe murther me , your consciences Will more then hang you , damn you ; come prepare . In. Brother walk off , & take the boy away , is he hurt much ? Bro. Nothing or very little . Fr. thrusts the Boy out . Ing.

I 'le bind your wound vp first , your losse of blood May sooner make you faint .

Pr. Ingen , thou art a worthy Gentleman , for this curtesie , Go-too i 'le saue thy life , come on Sir : hay , a passe or two . I 'le cut your codpeice point Sir , with this thrust , And then downe goes your breeches . Ing. Your Lordship s merrie passe . I had like to haue spoild your cut-worke band . Enter MAID like a foote-boy running , BROTHER after him , Maid kneeles betwixt 'em . Maid . Oh Master , hold your hand , my Lord hold yours , Or let your swords meete in this wretched breast , Yet you are both well , what blood you haue lost Giue it as for the iniurie you did , and now be friends , Pr. S'hart , t' is a louing rogue . Ing. Kind Boy , stand vp , t' is for thy wound he bleeds , My wrong is yet vnsatisfied . Pr. Hence away it is a Sisters losse , that whets my sword . Mai. Oh stay , my Lord , behold your sister heere discouers her selfe . Bleeding by your hand Seruant see your mistresse Turn'd to thy seruant running by thy Horse , Whose means it was to haue preuented this , but all in vaine . Broth. Oh noble Ladie . Ing. Most worthie patterne of all women kind . Proud . Ingen , I am satisfied , put vp your sword . Sister , you must with me , I haue a husband The Lord Fee-simple's father , old , but rich : This Gentleman is no match for you ; kneele not , That portion of yours , I haue consum'd , Thus marrying , you shall neuer come to want . Maid . Oh I sweet my Lord , my brother do not force me , To breake my faith or to a loathed bed . Ing. Force you , he shall not , brother beare her hence , Shee is my wife , and thou shalt finde my cause Ten times improu'd now . Pr. Oh , haue at you Sir . Ma. Hold , hold for heauens sake , was e're wretched Lady Put to this hazard ? Sir , let me speake But one word with him , and I 'le goe with you , And vndergoe , what euer you command . Proud . Doo 't quickly , for I loue no whispering , T' is strange to see you Madame with a sword , You should haue come hither in your Ladies cloathes . Maid .

Well , as you please my Lord , you are witnesse , whatsoe're before

Hath past betwixt vs : thus I doe vndoe . Were not I mad to thinke thou could'st loue me That would'st haue slain my Brother ? Pr. Sai'st true sister . Ing.

Oh thou faire creature ! wilt thou be as false as other Ladies ?

Maid . Thou art my example , I le kisse thee once , farewell for euer , come my Lord , now Match me , with whom you please , a tumbler . I must doe this , else had they fought againe . Pr. Mine own best Sister , farewel Mr. Ingen . Ex. Pr. & Ma. Broth. Oh antient truth to be denied of no man , An Eele by 'th taile 's held surer than a woman . Exeunt .
Actus quintus . Enter SVBTLE with HVSBAND . Subt. SHee is not to be cast . Hus. It cannot be : had you a wife , and I were in your case . Husb. I would be hang'd euen at the chamber doore Where I attempted , but i 'le lay her flat . Subt. Why tell me truely , would it please you best , To haue her remaine chast , or conquered . Husb. Oh friend it would do me good at the heart To haue her ouer come , shee do's so brag And stand vpon her chastitie forsooth . Subt. Why then in plaine termes Sir , the fort is mine , Your wife has yeelded , vp-tailes is her song , The deed is done , come , now , be merrie man . Husb. Is the deed done indeed ? come , come , you jest , Has my wife yeelded ? is vptailes her song ? Faith come , in prose , how got you to the matter first , ha . Pish , you are so bashfull now . Subt.

Why , by my troth i 'le tell you , because you are my friend , otherwise you must note it is a great hurt to the art of whooremasterie to discouer , besides the skill was neuer mine o' th price .

Husb. Very good , on sir . Subt. At the first she was horrible stiffe against me , then Sir I tooke her by the hand , which I kiss'd . Husb. Good Sir . Subt.

And I cal'd her pretie Rogue , and I thrust my finger betwixt her breasts , and I made lips ; at last , I pul'd her by the chin to me , and I kist her .

Husb.

Hum , very good .

Subt.

So at the first , she kist very strangely , close , & vntoward ; then said I to her , thinke but vpon the wrongs , the intollerable wrongs , the rogue your Husband does you .

Hus.

I that was very good , what said she to you then sir ?

Subt.

Nay , I went on . First quoth I , thinke how he hath vs'd you , left you no meanes , giuen all your clothes to his Punckes , struck you , turn'd your gray eies into black ones , but yet —

Husb.

A pretie conceit .

Subt.

Quoth I , these things are nothing in the Rascoll , thinke but what a base Whoore-master , the Rascoll is .

Husb.

Did you call me Rascoll so often are you sure .

Subt.

Yes , and oftner , for said I , none comes amisse to the rogue , I haue knowne him quoth I , doe three lowzie beggars vnder hedges in the riding of ten mile , and I swore this to .

Hus.

T was verie well , but you did lie . On I pray .

Sub.

Pish , one must lie a little , now sir by this time shee began to kisse some what more openly , and familiarlie , her resistance began to slacken , and my assault began to stiffen , the more her Bulwarke decai'd , the more my batterie fortified , at last sir , a little fumbling being past to make the Conquest more difficult , shee perceauing my readines mounted , fals me flat vpon her backe , cries mee out aloud

Ahlas I yeeld , vse me not roughly friend , My fort , that like Troy towne , ten yeares hath stood Beseig'd and shot at did remaine vnwon : But now t is conquer'd . So the deede was done , Hus. Then came the hottest seruice . Forward with your tale sir . Sub. Nay Caetera , quis neset , lassi requienimus ambo : Proueniant medii sic mihi sape dies . Hus.

Which is as much to say : I am a Cuckold , in all Languages , but sure t is not so , It is impossible my wife should yeeld .

Sub.

Hoyday , ene now , it was impossible she should hold out , and now it is impossible she should yeeld , stay you but heere & be an eare witnes to what followes , I le fetch your wife . I know he will not stay .

Exit . Hus.

Good faith Sir but he will . I doe suspect some knauerie in this .

Exit . Here will I hide my selfe , when thought as gone , If they doe ought vnfitting I will call Witnesse , and straight way sue a diuorce . Enter WIFE and SVBTILL . Sub. I knew hee would not stay . Now noble Mistrisse , I claime your promise . Wife . What was that good seruan Sub. That you would lie with me . Wife . If with anie man , But prithee first consider with thy selfe If I should yeeld to thee , what a load thy Conscience Would beare about it , for I wish quick thunder May strike me , If I yet haue lost the truth , Or whitenesse of the hand I gaue in Church , And t will not be , thy happinesse ( as thou thinkst ) That thou alone should'st make a woman fall , That did resist all else , but to thy soule A bitter Corasiue , that thou didst staine , Vertue that else had stood immaculate , Nor speake I this , as yeelding vnto thee , For t is not in thy power , wert thou the sweet'st Of natures Children , and the happiest , To conquer me , nor in mine owne to yeeld , And thus it is with euery pious wife . Thy daylie railing at my absent Husband Makes me indure thee worse , for let him doe The most preposterous ill relishing things To me , they seeme good , since my Husband does 'em , Nor am I to reuenge or gouerne him , And thus it should be with all vertuous Wiues . Sub. Poxe a this vertue and this chastetie , Doe you know faire Mistresse , a young Gentleman About this towne cald Bould , where did he lie Last night , sweet Mistris , oh oh , are you catch'd , I saw him slip out of the house this morne , As naked as this truth , and for this cause I haue tould your Husband that you yeelded to me , And he I warrant you , will blaze it throughly , As good doe now then as bee thought to doe . Wife . No , t will not be yet , thou iniurious man , How wilt thou right me in my Husbands thoughts , That on a false surmise , and spight hast tould , A tale to breed vncurable discontent ? Bould was that ould wench that did serue the Widdow , and thinking by this way to gaine her loue Mist of his purpose , and was thus cashier'd , Nor cares shee to proclame it to the world . Su. Zoons , I haue wrong'd you Mistris . On my knees kneels I aske you pardon , and will neuer more , Attempt your puritie , but neglect all things Till that soule wrong I haue bred in your Knight I haue expeld , and let your loues aright . Hus. Which now is done alreadie Madame wife , kneeles Vpon my knees , with weeping eies , heau'd hands , I aske thy pardon , oh sweet vertuous creature , I prithee breake my head . Wife . Rise , rise , Sir pray : You haue done no wrong to me , at least I thinke so ; Heauen hath preuented all my iniurie , I doe forgiue and marrie you a new . Come , we are all inuited to the weddings , The Ladie Honor to the old rich Connt . Yong Bould vnto another Gentlewoman , We and the Widdow are inuited thither , Embrace and loue , henceforth more really , Not so like worldlings . Husb. Heere then ends all strife Thus false friends are made true , by a true wife . Exeunt .
Actus quinti Scaena prima . Enter old COVNT wrapt in furs , the Ladie HONOR drest like a Bride , the Lord PROVD . WEL-TRI'D , BOVLD , leading FEE-SIMPLE like a Ladie masqu'd , HVSBAND , WIFE , SVBTLE with a letter , WIDDOW , to them BROTHER , SELDOM , and his wife . Broth. HEalth and all joy vnto this faire assemblie , My brother , who last tide is gone for France , A branch of willow feathering his hat , Bad me salute you Ladie , and present you With this same letter written in his blood , He prayes no man , for his sake euermore To credit woman , nor no Ladie euer To beleiue man , so either sexe shall rest Vniniur'd by the other , this is all , and this I haue deliuer'd . Pr. I and well , you pronounce rarely did you neuer play ? Broth. Yes , that I haue , the foole , as some Lords doe . Wel. Set forward there . Count . Oh , oh , oh , a pox a this cold . Welt. A cold a this poxe you might say , I am afeard . Maid .

How full of ghastly wounds this letter shewes , oh , oh .

swoones . Pr. Looke to my sister . Bou. S'hart the Ladie swoons . Wife . Strong-water there . Feesi. If strong breath would recouer her , I am for her . Co. Ahlas good Ladie , hum , hum , hum . coughs perpetually Subt. He has fet her againe with coughing . Maid . Conuey me to my bed send for a Priest And a Physition , your Bride I feare , In stead of Epithalamions shall neede A Dirge , or Epitaph , oh lead me in , My bodie dies for my soules periur'd sinne . Exit Maid , Grace , Wife , Husb. Subtle . Bould Hymen comes towards vs in a mourning robe . Welt. I hope friend , we shall haue the better day . Proud . I 'le fetch the Parson and Physition Ex. Lo. Pr. Broth. They are both readie for you . Exit . Broth. Welt. Madam , this is the Gentlewoman . Who something bashfull does desire your pardon , that shee Does not vnmasque . Wid.

Good Master Wel-tri'd , I would not buie her face , and for her manners if they were worse , they shall not displease me .

Welt.

I thanke your Ladyship .

Feesi.

Looke , how the old Asse my father stands , he looks like the Beare in the play , he has kil'd the Ladie with his verie sight as God helpe me , I haue the most to do to forbeare vnmasquing me , that I might tell him his owne , as can be .

Bould . Fie , by no meanes . The Widdow comes towards you . Count . Oh , oh , oh , oh . Wid. Seruant , God giue you joy , and Gentlewoman , Or Ladie as full joy , I wish to you , Nor doubt that I will hinder you , your loue , But heere am come to doe all curtesie To your faire selfe , and husband that shall be . Feesi. I thank you heartilie . Welt. S'hart , speak smaller man . Feesi. I thanke you heartilie . Coun.

You 're going to this geere to Mr. Bould , vm , vm , vm .

Bould .

Not to your couching geere my Lord , though I be not so olde , or rich as your Lordship , yet I loue a yong wench as well .

Welt.

As well , as my Lord , nay by my faith , that you do not , loue a yong wench as well as he , I wonder you will be vnmannerly to say so .

Count

Faith Master Wel-tri'd , troth is I loue them well , but they loue not me , vm , vm , vm , you see , what ill luck , I haue with them , vmp , vmp , vmp , a poxe a this cold still say I .

Welt.

Where got you this cold my Lord ? it can get in no where that I can see , but at your nostrels , or eies , all the other parts are so barricado'd with furre .

Feesi.

It got in at his eies , and made that birdlime there where cupids wings doe hang intangled .

Count .

Is this your wife , that ( vm , vm , vm ) shall be , Ma. Bould , i 'le be so bould as kisse her .

[ Wid. Bould whisper aside . Count . sits in a chaire and fals a sleepe . Feesi.

Sir , forbeare , I haue one bould enough to kisse my lips , oh olde coxcombe , kisse thine owne naturall sonne , t' is worse then a Iustices lying with his own daughter , but Mr. Wel-tri'd when will the Widdow breake this matter to me ?

Welt.

Not till the very close of all , she dissembles it yet , because my Lord your Father is heere , and her other suitor Bould .

Feesi. That 's all one , he 's o' th plot a my side : Wid. T' is needlesse Master Bould , but I will doe Any thing you require to satisfie you , Why should you doubt , I will forbid the banes , For so your friend , heere tould me ? I should rather Doubt that you will not marrie . Bo. Madam by heauen , as fully I am resolu'd to marry now , And will to , if you doe not hinder it , As euer louer was , only because The World has taken notice of some passage Twixt you and me , and then to satisfie My sweet heart heere , who poore soule is a feard , To haue some publike disgrace put vpon her , I doe require some small thing at your hands . Wid. Well , I will doe it and this professe besides , Married , you shall as welcome be to mee As mine owne brother , and your selfe faire Ladie , Euen as my selfe , both to my boord , and bed . Wel. Ah , ah , how like you that ? Feesi.

Now she begins , abundant thanks vnto your widdow-hood .

Z'oones my Fathers a sleepe on 's wedding day , I wonder'd where his cough was all this while . Enter INGEN like a Doctor : A PARSON , BROTHER , PROVDLY , SELDOME , MRIS. SELD. HVSBAND , WIFE , and SVBTLE . Ingen. I pray forbeare the chamber , noise does hurt her . Her sickenesse I ghesse rather of the minde Than of her bodie , for her pulse beates well , Her vitall functions not decaid a whit , But haue their naturall life and operation . My Lord , be cheer'd , I haue an ingredient about me , Shall make her well I doubt not . In Master Parson , it shall be yours I pray , The soules Physition should haue still the way . [ Exit Ingen , Parson shuts the doore . Wid. How cheeres she pray ? Wife . In troth exceeding ill . Ms. Seld. A verie weake woman indeed she is , and surely I thinke cannot scape it . Husb. Did you marke how she ey'de the Physition ? Wife . Oh God I , she is very loath to die . Ms. Seld. I that 's n'ere the better signe , I can tell you . Subt. And when the Parson came to her , she turn'd away , And still let the Physicion hold her by the hand . Proud .

But see what thought the Bride-groome takes , my conscience knowes now , this is a most praeposterous match , yet for the commoditie , we winck at all inconueniencie . My Lord , my Lord .

Count .

Vmp , vmp , vmp , I beshrow you for waking of me , now shall I haue such a fit of coughing , hum , hum —

Bould .

Oh haplesse wife , that shall haue thee , that either must let thee sleepe continually , or be kept waking her selfe by the cough .

Wid You haue a proper Gentleman to your sonne , my Lord , he were fitter for this yong Ladie than you . Welt. D' ee marke that againe ? Feesi. Oh sweet widdow . Count . He a wife , he a fooles head of his owne . Feesi. No , of my Fathers . Count . What should he doe with a vmp , vmp ? Wife .

What with a cough ? why he would spit , and that 's more than you can doe .

Proud .

Your bride my Lord is dead .

Count .

Marrie , e'ne God be with her , griefe will not helpe it , vmp , vmp , vmp .

Broth. A most excellent spouse . Pr. How fares she Mr. Doctor . Z'oons , what s here looks in at the window Bould , Widdow , Wel-tri'd , Fee-simple , hoy-day . Husband , Wife , Seldome , Ms. Seld. Subtle : how now ? Feesi.

Looke , looke , the Parson joynes the Doctors hand & hers ; now the Do . kisses her by this light .

[ omnes whoop . Feesi.

Now goes his gowne off , hoy-day , he has read breeches on : Z'oones , the Physition is got Pistols for Bro. o' th top of her , be like it is the mother she has , harke the bed creakes .

Pr.

S'hart , the doores fast , break 'em open , we are betrai'd .

Bro. No breaking open doores , he that stirs first draws & holds out a pistoll . I 'le pop a leaden pill into his guts . Shall purge him quite away , no hast good friends , When they haue done ( what 's fit ) you shall not neede To breake the doore , thei 'l open it them selues . A curtaine drawne , a bed discouer'd , Ingen with his sword in his hand , and a Pistoll , the Ladie in a peticoate , the Parson . Pr. Thy blood base villain shal answere this the Bro. set back to back I 'le dye thy nuptiall bed in thy hearts gore . Ing. Come , come , my Lord , t' is not so easily done , You know it is not . For this my attempt Vpon your sister , before God and man She was my wife , and n'ere a bed-rid gowt Shall haue my wench , to get diseases on . Pr. Well mai'st thou tearme her so that has consented , Euen with her will to be dishonor'd . Ing. Not so , yet haue I lyen with her . Ma. But first ( witnesse this Priest ) we both were married , Priest . True it is Domine . Their contract 's run into a marriage , And that my Lord into a carriage . Pr. I will vndoe thee Priest . Priest . 'T is to late , I 'm vndone alreadie , wine and Tobacco , I defie thee Thou temporall Lord , perdy thou neuer shalt Keepe me in jayle , and hence springs my reason , My act is neither Felonie nor Treason . Fee . I sir , but you do not know , what kindred she may haue . Omnes . Come , come , there is no remedie . Wife . And weigh't right in my opinion my honor'd Lord , And euery bodies else , this is a match , Fitter ten thousand times , than your intent . Omnes . Most certaine t' is . Wid.

Besides , this Gentleman your brother in law well parted , and faire mean'd , and all this come about ( you must conceiue ) by your owne sisters wit as well as his .

Ing. Come , come , t' is but getting of me knighted my Lord , and I shall become your Brother well enough . Pr. Brother your hand , Lords may haue projects still , But there 's a greater Lord , will haue his will . Bo. This is dispatcht . Now Madam is the time , For I long to be at it , your hand sweet heart . Feesi. Now , boyes . Wid. My Lord , and Gentlemen , I craue your witnesse To what I now shall vtter . 'Twixt this Gentleman There has beene some loue passages and my selfe , Which heere I free him , and take this Ladie . Welt. Law ye , and take this Ladie . Wid. Which with a mothers loue , I giue to him , And wish all joy may crowne their marriage . Bould . Nay Madame , yet she is not satisfied . Bould giues her a ring , and she puts it on her thumb . Wid. Further , before yee all I take this ring As an assumpsit , by the vertue of which I bind my selfe in all my lands and goods , That in his choice , i 'le be no hinderance : Or by forbidding banes , or claiming him My selfe for mine , but let the match goe on Without my check , which he intendeth now . And once againe I say , I bind my selfe . Bo. Then once againe , I say , widdow thou' rt mine : Priest marrie vs , this match I did intend , Yee are all witnesses , if thou hinder it , Widdow your lands and goods are forfeit mine . Wid. Ha , nay take me to , since there 's no remedie , Your Widdow ( without goods ) sels scuruilie . Omnes . Whoop , God giue you joy . Count .

S'light , I am cozend of all sides , I had good hope of the Widdow my selfe , but now I see euerie bodie leaues me sauing vm , vm , vm .

Bo. 'Troth my Lord , & that will sticke by you I warrant . Wid. But how Sir , shall we salue this Gentlewoman ? Bo. Hang her whoore . Welt. Fie , you are too vnciuill . Feesi. Whoore in thy face , I doe defie thy taunts . Bo. Nay hold faire Ladie , now I thinke vpon 't . The old Count has no wife , le ts make a match . Omnes . If he be so contented . Count . With al my heart . Bo. Then kisse your Spouse . Count . S'foot she has a beard : how now , my sonne ? Omnes . T' is the Lord Fee-simple . [ Feesi vnmasques . Feesi.

Father , lend me your sword , you and I are made a couple of fine fooles , are we not ? If I were not valiant now , and meant to beate 'em all , heere would lie a simple disgrace vpon vs , a Fee-simple one indeed , marke now what i 'le say to 'em , d' ee heare my Masters , Dam-me , yee are all the sonne of a whoore , and ye lie , and I will make it good with my sword , this is cal'd Roaring Father .

Subt. I 'le not meddle with you Sir . Pr. You are my blood . Welt. And I flesht you , you know . Bo. And I haue a charge comming , I must not fight now . Feesi. Has either of you any thing to say to me ? Husb. Not we Sir . Feesi.

Then haue I something to say to you . Haue you any thing to say to me ?

Broth. Yes marrie haue I Sir . Feesi.

Then I haue nothing to say to you , for that 's the fashion , Father if you will come away with your cough , doe ? Let me see how many challenges must I get writ : You shall heere on me beleiue it .

Proud . Nay , wee 'le not now part angrie , stay the Feasts That must attend the weddings , you shall stay . Feesi.

Why , then all friends , I thought you would not haue had the manners to bid vs stay dinner neither .

Husb. Then all are friends , and Ladie , wife , I crowne Thy vertues with this wreath , that 't may be said , There 's a good wife . They set Girlonds on their heads . Bo. A Widdow . Ing. And a Maid . Wife . Yet mine is now approu'd the happiest life , Since each of you hath chang'd to be a wife . Exeunt . FINIS .
Machine-generated castlist A00723-feesimple 81 A00723-bould 70 A00723-well-tried 67 A00723-widow 65 A00723-proudly 59 A00723-ingen 48 A00723-maid 46 A00723-subtle 41 A00723-husband 32 A00723-wife 30 A00723-bots 21 A00723-brother 16 A00723-count 13 A00723-grace 13 A00723-seldom 13 A00723-omnes 12 A00723-teare-chops 9 A00723-mall 8 A00723-spilbloud 8 A00723-whorebang 6 A00723-drawer 6 A00723-mrs_seldom 2 A00723-priest 2 A00723-page 2 A00723-1_sergeant 1 A00723-unassigned 1 A00723-knight 1 A00723-servant 1 A00723-2_sergeant 1
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weal●● liues compar'd to mine are miserable , Though wealth and beautie meete in each of you . Poore bed●fellow vertue . And thou ( though single ) hast a bed-fellow As bad as the worst husband , thought of 〈◊〉 and my Mistresse , The happinesse of your witnes . thi●●ight By this light , I neuer heard one speake so scuruily scu●●lly this light , I neuer heard one speake so scuruily , Vtter such stale wit , and pronounce so s●ale heard one speake so scuruily , Vtter such stale wit , and pronounce so ill . But to you ●ustian Did you euer Heare one talke fustian like a Butcher thus ? b'wee , Which graunted , or denied , Maddam God bye . O●●any Oh many by this light , I haue seene a Chamber 〈◊〉 midnight one another : Whilst the poore Maddam Filth beene so distrest , Which of her Loues to be●ne one another : Whilst the poore Maddam Filth beene so distrest , Which of her Loues to show hi● Which of her Loues to show most 〈…〉 That his dull Husband ha's perceiu'd her wiles . prophance Oh prophane . That thought would damne me , will you ●●ght thinke well of thee , But get thee from my sight , I neuer more Will heare or see thee , Aud●oome comes all your sutors , and your Husband , And roome for Laughter , heer's the Lord Feesimple ● Gentlewoman , I crie thee mercie , but ti's a fault in all Lords , not in mee only , we fa●es How fares your Lordship ? 〈◊〉 wrong'd my spirit to call 〈◊〉 backe , I was ee'n in Elizium at rest . hil●s edg'd , works thus strongly with me , your hilts now I can handle as boldlie , looke you ●twas But on my faith 'twas mightily ouerseene of your father , not 〈◊〉 But how my Lord came you first not to indure the sight of steele . I'l● Why I'le tell you Sir , when I was a child , an infant e'●e T'was e'ne now . ●re , to snatch some Reysins , and so was cut ore the hand , and neuer since could I endure ●ince , and so was cut ore the hand , and neuer since could I endure the sight of any edge-toole ●ight hand , and neuer since could I endure the sight of any edge-toole . satufied you my Lord , and now you are all so well satisfied in this matter , pray Ladies how like you alrea●y Mary Princax : she has wit , I perceiue that already . Mee thinkes she speakes as if she were scoff●d hurt mee : 'tis well knowne I come not to be scoff'd . A woman may beare and beare till her backe Surcea●e full merrit , that same worth once ceasing Surcease our loue to , and finde new desert ? Alas poxo'th Wife , kisse him , bid him welcome pox o'th World , Come , come you shall not part ●aire Doe not wrong So faire a wife ( friend ) and so vertuous , Whose HVsband Hvsband these gloues are not fit for my wearing no● iudgement in all things , this goodnesse is not vsuall in our wiues , well Grace Seldome othermeanes know thee this twelue moneths , and had no other meanes but this to speake with thee , there's Lo●all The Knight Sir Iohn Louall . ●ipenie jumbler as e're paid for't , t'is true Mris. Fipenie , I haue sworne to leaue this letter . Bridewe●l next you come ( my Husband's Constable ) And Bridewell is hard by , y'aue a good wit , And can y●aue Husband's Constable ) And Bridewell is hard by , y'aue a good wit , And can conceiue . co●●eiue Bridewell is hard by , y'aue a good wit , And can conceiue . ●or As for you my Lord : I will send to you as soone ●it Sir you will walke so and let anie bodie sit prating to your wife ! were I a man Id'e deca●'d the truth , thy beastly minde is like Some decai'd Tradesman that doth make his wife Entertaine Tradseman , thy beastly minde is like Some decai'd Tradesman that doth make his wife Entertaine those thos● Tradesman that doth make his wife Entertaine those for gaine he not endures , Pish , swell si● then lead such a life , Out with it valiant sir , I hold you for A drawer vpon women , not requi●e small ciuilitie And lesse humanitie , d'ee require My husbands loue thus ill , or what ●●ee husband● ciuilitie And lesse humanitie , d'ee require My husbands loue thus ill , or what ●●ee thinke Of mee t●ie But gone aside , and hath importun'd me To trie your chastitie . li●es Your whore liues there , Well Seruant leaue me to my selfe T●shall Returne a none , but beare this hope away , T'shall be with you , if I at all doe stray . do● away , T'shall be with you , if I at all doe stray . di●grac't you ? why is our poore sexe Still made the disgrac't subiects , in these plaies ? For vices , s●aine yeeld , I'ts not reuenge for any wife , to staine The nuptiall bed , although she be yok't sufters , we should know How , and for what shee suffers ; and perhaps , ( But t'is vnlikely ) giue W●●ping But t'is vnlikely ) giue her Comfort Sir , Weeping shee sits , and all the sound comes from Liue●y Beleeue me boy ▪ thou hast a passionate tong , Liuely expression , or thy memorie Hath carried ●e●iur'd other Ladie That you'll deceiue next , and be periur'd to . Sure you haue wrong'd her Sir , she S●● As full of dangerous gulphes , as is the Sea , Where any woman thinking to finde Harbor Harb●r the Sea , Where any woman thinking to finde Harbor , Shee and her honor are praecipitated , ●nd seruice , feeles his Mistresse griefe , As he and they were old familiar friends , Why weep'st famili●r Mistresse griefe , As he and they were old familiar friends , Why weep'st thou gentle Lord ? fri●nds griefe , As he and they were old familiar friends , Why weep'st thou gentle Lord ? L●d familiar friends , Why weep'st thou gentle Lord ? 〈◊〉 mothers deaths To spend it heere , for my distressed Ladie ; But Sir my Ladie did commaund me com●●und my distressed Ladie ; But Sir my Ladie did commaund me begg To see your wife , that I may bare h●nd-fast , what creature could make you Vntie the hand-fast plighted vnto her . forth-now Wife , wife , come forth — now — Gentle boy , be iudge If such a face m● , ( Who now is onelie yours ) Commaunded me To kisse your white hand , and to sigh and figh Commaunded me To kisse your white hand , and to sigh and weepe , And wish you that content she fr●ition you that content she should haue had In the fruition of her Loue you hold , She bad me say , ●ad In the fruition of her Loue you hold , She bad me say , God giue you ioy , to both ; Yet mee●e No one , her foot-steps euer more should meete , Nor see her face , but in a winding sheete n●rture thy forme , and minde . Informe me that thy nurture hath beene better , Than to betray thee ●'is T'is , that you would vouchsafe to entertaine fee●e you would vouchsafe to entertaine me , My feete do tremble vnder me , to beare My bodie bo●ie My feete do tremble vnder me , to beare My bodie back vnto my vncouth Ladie , To assure her ●its looke vpon her eies , Where wronged loue , sits like the Basilisque , And sure would kill v●sparing through her hart , More mortallie than his vnsparing dart . i●forme loue thy sweet condition , And may liue to informe thy Lady of thee ; Come in drie , drie thine ●EESIM Enter Lo. PROVD . Lo. FEESIM . WEL-TRI'D , Ma. SELDOME , WIDD . BOVLD pin●ing . WEL-TRI'D , Ma. SELDOME , WIDD . BOVLD pinning in a Ruffe , WIFE . do●es of her , you sweare she past not forth of dores , and i'th house she is not ? Sh●e Shee went not out of dores . P●oud Proud M●rrie Marrie she's the honester woman , for some of their Bou●d Bould . wi● shee be wittie , so must your discourse Get wit , what shift so'ere you make for it , Though't shift●so'ere wittie , so must your discourse Get wit , what shift so'ere you make for it , Though't cost you Bea●e still I tell you , you must vse her roughly , Beate her face black and blew , take all her cloth's fo●tune her now , as bare , that should I die , Her fortune ( ô my conscience ) would be To marrie some Bu● marrie some Tobacco-man , shee has nothing But an old black-woorke wastcote , which would 〈◊〉 marrie some Tobacco-man , shee has nothing But an old black-woorke wastcote , which would wastco●e shee has nothing But an old black-woorke wastcote , which would serue Exceeding wel to fit ●it wastcote , which would serue Exceeding wel to fit i'th shop and light Pipes for the lowzie So●net a jewell to present her , then Heere is a Sonnet writ against my selfe , Which as thine owne Farew●ll as thine owne thou shalt accost her with , Farewell and happie successe attend thee . Faire●d Faire'd , still wilt thou be true To a man so false loyalti● le●d a Husbands due , Thou did'st owe him loyaltie ; But will curses , wants and blowes Breed soule● wants and blowes Breed no change in thy white soule▪ ▪ Be not a foole to thy first vowes , Since vow●s white soule ▪ Be not a foole to thy first vowes , Since his breach , doth thy faith controle be●utie his breach , doth thy faith controle , No beautie else , could be so chast , Thinke not thou co●science thou honour'st women then , Since by thy conscience , all disgrac't , Are rob'd of the deare disgra●'t women then , Since by thy conscience , all disgrac't , Are rob'd of the deare loues of men ; adul●erate desire that vow to proue A reall husband , his adulterate loue . Tooke euer man more paines to be L●da's virgine , and a worthier , Had ne're creation : Leda's Swan was black To her virginitie , and immaculate ●ne charg'd with sorrow for her losse , Being one cause of it ( as no doubt I am ) That I ●al it ( as no doubt I am ) That I had rather fal vpon my sword b●the Thou shalt not neede , I haue a sword to bathe In thy false blood , inhumane murderer . man't Foole to thy fate , since all thy project men't But mirth , is now conuerted vnto death t●shall in England , or my friends Can crosse it , t'shall not be . ea●es know , ill things taken into a Gentlewomans eares , are the quick corrupters of maiden modestie ca●te shew she must make , Si , non caste , tamen caste Madame , and though wit be a wanton Madame pra●a for to answere your lattine : prauis omnia praua , beleiue me wench , if ill come into my norrow these nise mouth'd creatures , I haue seen a narrow paire of lips vtter as broad a taile , as Ha'●t Ha'st not done yet ? thou art an old fumbler , bre●d Lady-ship , I protest sincerely , I would beg my bread , therefore I beseech you Madame to hold excus●d therefore I beseech you Madame to hold me excus'd , and let my good will stand for the action Almouds Bores grease one ounce , Iordane Almonds blanch't and ground a quarterne , red Rose-water standin his hand , his bodie , & all his members stand in print . Wel-trid● Out vpon thee Princox ; no , me thinkes Wel-tride a handsome fellow , I like not these starch'd starch'● Wel-tride a handsome fellow , I like not these starch'd Gallants : masculine faces , and masculine g●stures Gallants : masculine faces , and masculine gestures please me best . vi●ious that's as ill , each extreame , is a like vicious ; his carefull carelesnesse is his studie stud●e vicious ; his carefull carelesnesse is his studie , he spends as much time to make himselfe sloue●ly , he spends as much time to make himselfe slouenly , as the other to be spruse , his garters Madame● Cleane skind Madame▪ ▪ there's a question , do you thinke I haue wee●le Well , well , come to bed , and wee'le talke further of all these matters . ma●'st true to me , And now be Bould , that thou mai'st welcome be . Burt downe into the Seller , and drowne thee in a Butt of Malmesey , and he wall the Hogs-heads Whoore-band disturbe a number a poore Gentlewomen , Master Whoore-bang , Ms : Bots , Ma : Teare-chops , and Ma Turne bole and it shall be cal'd the foure Kings of Turne bole . rogne S'hart you rogue ? ●re Claps his Sword ore the Table . fouer Wee foure will drinke foure healths to foure of the Leeherie deadly sines , Pride , Drunkennesse , wrath & Lecherie . Wb. Wh 〈◊〉 Nay Ile beare him witnesse in a truth , his soule lies fort my Lord . Wel-tru'd Wel-tri'd , you are growne proud since you got good pot● Draw and fight , throw pots and stooles . sl●sh Zoones cleaue or be cleft : pell mell , slash armes and legges . ●umour Why so then , I will haue my humour , if you loue me , let's goe breake windowes sh●●t , a sword in her hand , and BOVLD in his shirt , as started from bed . VN●iuill Vnciuill man , if I should take thy I ●e , It were consumma●e an husband of ? Send for a Priest , First consummate the match , and then to bed Without more ●id you'r Gentlewoman , I was the man your heart did most affect : That you did doate vpon my doa●e your heart did most affect : That you did doate vpon my minde and body . arime affection toward you , Then clap't vp with a rime , as for example . Hee coldly loues fiie are borne to and haue priuiledge in ? Fie , fie , if this could be , farre happier Are sensitiue erranst Why so ? these women are the errantst Iuglers in the World , the wry-leg'd fellow wddow must haue this widdow , what e're come on't : Faith she has turn'd con●●●'d abroad , Bould has layen with her , and is now conuai'd out of doores . Is this the Ladie Perfect ●e I'le be hang'd , if you were not busie to soone Lucr●ce he had had any wit and could haue spoke , Lucrece had neuer been rauished , she would haue flesh●man me I tell you As it was yesterday , I am flesht man , I . Haue you any thing to say to me p●icks may kill whom we list , marry my conscience pricks me ; ah plague a this drinke , what things v●knowne meete her to morrow morning at Church in some vnknowne disguise , least any suspect it , for quoth dam●me now , and valiant , if this be not true , dam-me Sir , you are the sonne of a whore , and henor alight before me in the field , My name and honor were for euer lost . ●eeth e'ne to her taile ? And though she haue yron teeth to meaner men , So master her , that who I●le I'le bind your wound vp first , your losse of Fee-simple● must with me , I haue a husband The Lord Fee-simple's father , old , but rich : This Gentleman i'●e let me speake But one word with him , and i'le goe with you , And vndergoe , what euer shou●d strange to see you Madame with a sword , You should haue come hither in your Ladies cloathes matte● Faith come , in prose , how got you to the matter first , ha . Pish , you are so bashfull b●t & vntoward ; then said I to her , thinke but vpon the wrongs , the intollerable wrongs vs●d went on . First quoth I , thinke how he hath vs'd you , left you no meanes , giuen all your pre●ie A pretie conceit . done● But now tis conquer'd . So the deede was done▪ ▪ nes●t Nay Caetera , quis neset , lassi requienimus ambo ▪ Proueniant medii Con●cence I should yeeld to thee , what a load thy Conscience Would beare about it , for I wish quick mineowne and the happiest , To conquer me , nor in mine owne to yeeld , And thus it is with euery V●niur'd To beleiue man , so either sexe shall rest Vniniur'd by the other , this is all , and this I migt A cold a this poxe you might say , I am a feard . t●oth In troth exceeding il● ▪ c●eakes it is the mother she has , harke the bed creakes . disco●er'd A curtaine drawne , a bed discouer'd , Ingen with his sword in his hand , and Girl●nds They set Girlonds on their heads .