Rubbe, and a great cast Epigrams. By Thomas Freeman, Gent. Freeman, Thomas, b. 1590 or 91. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A01256 of text S105653 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 11370). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 133 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 42 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2018 A01256 STC 11370 ESTC S105653 99841379 99841379 5959 2240852022

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A01256) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 5959) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1202:17) Rubbe, and a great cast Epigrams. By Thomas Freeman, Gent. Freeman, Thomas, b. 1590 or 91. [80] p. [By Nicholas Okes], and are to bee sold [by L. Lisle] at the Tigers Head, Imprinted at London : 1614. In verse. Printer's and bookseller's names from STC. Signatures: A-K⁴. "Runne, and a great cast" has separate divisional title page; register is continuous. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. eng Epigrams, English. eebo Rubbe, and a great cast. Epigrams. By Thomas Freeman, Gent. Freeman, Thomas, 1614 84 20881 192 0 0 0 0 0 91.95 D The rate of 91.95 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the D category of texts with between 35 and 100 defects per 10,000 words. 2003-08 Assigned for keying and markup 2003-09 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-10 Sampled and proofread 2006-10 Rekeyed and resubmitted 2009-01 Sampled and proofread 2009-01 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2009-02 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

RVBBE , AND A great Cast. EPIGRAMS .

BY Thomas Freeman , Gent.

HORACE ,

Lectorem delectando pariterque monendo .

Imprinted at London , and are to bee sold at the Tigers Head . 1614.

TO THE THRICE HONOVRABLE , RIGHT NOBLE , AND TRVELY VERtuous , his ( euer to be obserued ) singular good Lord : THOMAS Lord WINDSORE . RIGHT HONOVRABLE .

IT was much against my minde , to entitle your worthy Lordship to these worthlesse toyes , or make such a slight and Artlesse fabricke carry so faire and glorious a frontispice , as your Honorable name prefixed ; yet finding it ( as it is ) in these daies a matter so frequent with the worst Poets ( as they haue most need ) to seeke out the best Patrons : collecting from their presumption a fearefull boldnesse I haue out of a reuerent zeale , and obseruance , presented to your Honour these my poore and naked labours : Poore , as being vnpolisht , and naked as they came from their mother Truth : Yet for that , ( and onely but for that ) beseeming a better Writer . Vouchsafe them I beseech you , your Honours wonted benigne and gracious aspect , and reade them with your accustomed candor ; but for your deepe-searching iudgement , pardon me my Lord , I disclaime from that , and appeale to your partiall , and more pleasing fauour . The most part of them haue already past your Lordships priuate liking : they All iointly craue your publick protection . It is no diminution to Honour , nor disparagement to Greatnesse , to Countenance the meanest well-meaning Authour : You haue it , Cum tantis commune viris ; Scipio gracing rude Ennius , and the mightiest of earths Monarks , vnskilfull Chaerilus . Nor is it derogatory to iudgement , to accept an oblation of Poems of slight subiect ; as Augustus of Virgils Gnatt : nor of bad composure ; as that of the fore-named Chaerilus to Alexander : And I shall surely beare a part of reproofe , in this ages generall Apostacy to Poesy , the rather for trading ( as the world interprets it ) in the coursest and commonest of it . So hardly heares the Epigram from all , the very name sticks to him like an Inustum stigma . But how the Comonest ? in it selfe ; why , there , being good ( as it is no lesse ) it shold be Melius quo communius . Is it in the Professor ? yea there is the misery , it is gone , ab Equis ad Asinos , Notum Lippis & Tonsoribus , & Plaid the Pithagorean pittifully , induring most brutish transmigration , and traueld in as durty wits as the way between Hogsdon and Hounsditch , Turpe & miserabile : Yet that this shold impeach the ingenuous is meere iniustice . But indeed the true cause for which the Epigram suffers , is his liberty and sincere honesty in the search and vnmasking vice , hence comes it men marke him with Fenum in cornu , and fire off ; or take the wind of him , as of one infected , Hence the world feares and consequently hates it : I could go on in iust indignation , but time is precious with your Lordship , and this is an Epistle , and not a Treatise . I therefore returne to your Houour ; crauing , once more , acceptance and Protection , to these ( howsoeuer they sound , for so being ) course-spun Epigrams . Howsoeuer my pen faile , my prayers shall not , but euer solicite the Calestiall TRI-VNITY , to blesse your Honour , and send you heere all , and the compleatst ioyes on earth , fore-runners of your future true happinesse in heauen .

Your honours most obsequiously deuoted seruant . THOMAS FREEMAN .
Regalia Vota , Precesque
Ad Regem Iacobum . NOt like your Player , who prophanes his lips With scurrile ieasts of some lewd ribald Play ; And after all , vpon the Scaffold skips , And for his Sou'raigne then begins to pray : More manerly , whilst pure , this Pen of mine Presents hir prai'rs ( great King ) for thee & thine ▪
Proreligiosiss . ●ruditiss . Augustiss . Rege . WHat should I wish to that my Sou'raigne hath But long Continuance , both of Him , and it ? Long to liue the Defender of true Faith , Our IOSVA Long o're Israel to sit , Long t' entertaine the Saints of God like LOT ; To be our DAVID Long , our SOLOMON ; Still keeping without blemish , without blot : The Fathers Zeale , the Wisedome of the Sonne . To these ( O God ) what should we pray thee giue ? But ( as I said ) Continuance and long date , To liue the dayes METHVSALA did liue , And after , when he falls'ith hand of Fate : O yet vouchsafe in mercy some delayes , To Adde to our good EZECHIAS dayes ! Maneant ●afata nepote● .
Pro Illustrissima & Serenissima Regina . EVrops Glory , Englands greatest Good , O! maist thou flourish like the fruitfull Vine , And make Great Brittaine rich in Royall blood ; The life of all our hopes liues in thy Line : Liue euer blessed , and be more a Mother , And from thee may that of-spring issue forth , That may secure their Kingdomes , conquer other , Make all the world to wonder at their worth : Nay , win it all , and part it too ( Heau'ns smile ) As Brutus sonnes did once diuide this Ile . Maneant ●afata nepotes .
Pro CAROLO Maximae , magnae Britannuiae , spei , Principe . OVr SECOND , late ; now FIRST-best , future HOPE , Whose , in remainder , we ; and thou art , ours ; What should we wish thee , but that Heau'n wide ope ? Raine downe her Blessings in aboundant showres , To make thy Parents happy ; thy selfe blessed , And we , in them , and through them , t' haue in thee The greatest Good that euer men possessed : Which with the Goodnesse may as lasting bee . Long stand our Atlas ; and when he shall fall , Be thou our Hercules , hold vp our Heau'n , Our happinesse , I meane , and help vs all : Sit at the Helme , and keepe our Ship vp eu'n ; Then take , and Long , O long keepe at the stearne ! Meane time now grow in Goodnesse , Greatnesse , State , All which thou needst not trauell farre to learne , Nor needest but thine owne to imitate : Thy wise and zealous Sire , thy vertuous Mother , And , O that Great hart ! now heau'n crownd thy brother . Maneant ●afata nepotes .
Pro fulgentisima ELIZABETHA . GReater thy Selfe , Autor v●vebat ista ante auspicatiss ▪ nuptias . by greatest Princes sought , On whom best Starres haue smilde their influence , Where heau'n a Map of Miracles hath wrought , Our glory , Natures pride , Earths excellence : In whom alone the Graces liue refinde , Where Chastitie with more then Cyprian-feature , And Beautie with all vertue liues conioyn'd : O Goddesse sure ! or some Celestiall Creature ! In whose whose faire face so equally doe runne The purest Lillie-white , the Orientst red , Like Vialactea , and the Rising Sunne . Happy that Prince shall the faire Princesse wed , Which holy Hymen shall no snoner finish , But we shall pray . That thou the blessedst Bride Mai'st with such blessed ones the World replenish , That may hereafter help the world to guide . And that our Royall blood more deepe root take , As they from thee , so may from them spring other : May thy great Father , great Grand-father wake , And reckon their descent from thy blest Mother : And Englands King , and Queene , may liue to see , Their Childrens Children , Kings and Queenes to bee . Maneant ●afata nepotes .
Ad excellentissimum Principem Palatinum : Illius in Lectissimae Elizabethae ( iam sibi coni●gatae ) electione , Iudicium , approbat , admiratur . IF as in this thrice Royall Fredaricke , Thy iudgement in electing still be like ; What neede the other Six or stand on seuen ? Why not the whole to whom the Chiefe is giuen ? Quia principalis Elector . Indeed , what needed any other Voice ? The World might put his life vpon thy Choyce .
Pro Nobilitate Britannica . GR●ue , for your Councel , great , for place and Blood , O you Arch-Columnes of our Common-wealth ! You truely wise , religious , Noble , good . Who doth not wish all happinesse , all health , With Nestors yeares , your Honours to attend , Is not the Kings , is not his countries friend .
Pro Domino suo Honoratissimo Domino Windesor . ANd now , more properly to pay his vowes , He comes to you ( his noble Lord & Master ; ) Whose life , for you , is but a debt he owes , Whose prayers , could they keepe off all disaster , And make you blest ; there should breathe in our state , No Lord more happy , lesse infortunate .
Liber ad Lectorem de Authorosuo . EXeo : sed quidsi , quamvis Liber exeoparvus , Parvus in hac magna plurimus vrbe ferar . Paule , meum Titulum tua Ianua quaque tenebit , Haerebit multis pagina prima locis . Lector & exurgens leget , atque inquiret eund● E●quis habet talem Ribliopola librum : Inventique petens pretium , persolvit , abitque , Et modo mercato : perlegit vsque Iocos . Quisquis , & O quisquis , ●●pidissimus ( inquit ) et autor Post mult●s multis anteferende venis : Laudibus ad Coelum vehimur , Dominusque , Liberque , Sedulus hunc laudae , Me sine fine legit . Ne cu● fit mirum ? Cui nonplacuere lepores ? Rarus amat Lector seria , quisque Iocos .
Quare Rub & Run ; SPhaera mihi ; Calamus , Mundi sunt crimina , Nodi , Ipse sed est mundus , Sphaeromachia mihi . Siue manere iubes , ●ector , seu currere sphaera●t . Lusori pariter , curre●●●eque ●●●eque placent .
Rub and a great Cast.
Epigram I. Lectori quomodo legat . REader remember that I doe fore-warne thee , Pry not into the secrets of my Pen. See not ; if thou seest ought , that seemes to harme thee , Wrong not thy selfe ; if I doe , blame me then : Looke on , laugh on , and if I touch thy griefe , Or tell the fault wherein thou hast beene filthy , Let not thy knowledge cause thy mis-beliefe , I name thee not , what need'st thou then cry Guilty ? The Cholericke descry their owne offence , When like a gald-backt Iade scarce touch't they wince .
EPIGRAM. 2. Me quoque vatem . WHy am I not an Epigrammatist ? I write in couert , and conceale their names , Whose liues I burden with some bitter iest , Themselues I cloake , and yet vn-clowd their shames . Againe , me thinkes I am not shallow sprighted , Nor seemes my wit so insufficient ( Although not like to others deepe-conceited ) It can indite , although not excellent . The Reader laughes , this reason he rehearses , The Ape likes her owne whelpes , and I my verses .
EPIGRAM. 3. I● , Rich●rdum primum , Regem . GR●●ter then great Alcides thee did grace , The Lyons Heart , and not the Lyons Case . Richard●s corde , Hercules exuvijs Leonis gestiens .
EPIGRAM. 4. O Tempora ! O Mores ! HAd I an hundred mouthes , Mihisi ●●●guae c●ntum , o●aque c●ntum , ferrca vox esset . Virg. as many tongues , An Iron voyce ; then should this Iron Age Be mou'd , or I would thunder out their wrongs . And breath out boysterous accents full of rage . I would inueigh against fowle Vsurers , As those that liue by causing others wants ; I would defie the filthy Flatterers , That shew themselues dissembling Sycophants . The Lawyer too my lauish tongue should lash , And Auarice should not auoid the scourge , And with the Courtier would I haue a crash : And most of all the Atheist would I vrge . Yea euery one ( as euery one is faulty ) Should bide the brunt of my all-biting tongue , It should be no excuse t'alledge their frailty , Suffiz'd , they s●i'd , and I must tell the wrong . Yet wel I wot , when words had done their worst Lewd men ( like Foxes ) fare best when th' are curst .
EPIGRAM. 5. In Bacchum . OF all the old Gods Bacchus is the best , And hath more fellowship then all the rest : They haue their habitations on hye , He loues not foaring so ambitiously ; For lofty dwelling he cares not a louse , He likes the lowest part in all the house ; Each Cellar is his Amphitheater , And is content to be compound with water , And liues as earst Diogenes hath done , Th' one in a Tubbe , the other in a Tunne .
EPIGRAM. 6. In Superbum . SVperbus sold a gallant Mannor place , Himselfe with a new-fashion'd sute to grace . Meant he himselfe an Elephant to make , In carrying such a Castle on his backe .
EPIGRAM. 7. In Castorem . CAstor complaines hee 's mightily mis-vsed , That he a Man , should beast-like be cornuted : Content thee Castor , thou art not abused , Eu'n Ioue himselfe was such a one reputed . He horn'd , the better to beguile his loue ; Thou horn'd , the more thy loue be guileth thee : Europa's carriage caused hornes in Ioue , And thy wiues carriage causeth thine to be ; Onely in this thou hast him ouer-gone , In that thy wife bare many , he but one .
EPIGRAM 8. In Mustapham . MVstapha still amongst his company Sweares Wounds and bloud how he will be reuenged On such a one for his late villany , Whom then , but for intreaty , he had swinged . I heard him once tell such a tale as this , Whereas by chance the party came in place ; Loe , whom he vowd to kill , he bowd to kisse , Him with much curt'sie crouching to embrace ▪ Happy the man that had so milde a foe , Who absent , kil'd him ; present , kist him so .
EPIGRAM. 9. Nec retinent patulae , &c. In Garruhtatem . NAy , to keepe counsell , this our Age excels , To Lagus one a thing in secret told , This to his friend in secret Lagus tels , The which his friend to tell , his friend is bold , In secret too ; that friend vnto another , Who makes a Mid-wife of the next he meetes To tell his secret to ; each makes a brother Lightly on whomsoeuer next he hits . Thus all abroad this secresie is blowne , And yet in secret told to euery one .
EPIGRAM 10. In Fimum . FImus is Coach'd , and for his further grace Doth aske his friends how he becomes the place . Troth I should tell him the poore Coach hath wrong , And that a Cart would serue to carry dong .
EPIGRAM. 11. In Goslingum Puritanum Praedicatorem . GOsling the Puritan held so excellent , Ner'e quoteth Father , ner'e speakes Latine sentence , Indeed the Scriptur's all-sufficient , As he being aske told one of his acquaintance , But wee who know him , know the cause was rather He ner'e learn'd Latine , neuer read a Father .
EPIGRAM. 12. In Photinum . I Met Photinus at the Chancelors Court , Cited ( as he said ) by a knaue Relator : I askt him wherefore , he in laughing sort , Told me it was but for a Childish matter , How er'e he laught it out , he lyed not , Indeed 't was Childish , for the Childe he got .
EPIGRAM. 13. Quo ruis ah demens ? Londons progresse . WHy how now Babel , whither wilt thou build ? I see old Holborne , Charing-crosse , the Sirand , Are going to St. Giles his in the field ; Saint Katernes she shakes Wapping by the hand : And Hoggosdon will to Hy-gate ere 't be long . London is got a great way from the streame , I thinke she meanes to goe to Islington , To eate a messe of straw-berries and Creame . The Citty 's sure in Progresse I surmise , Or going to reuell it in some disorder Without the Walles , without the Liberties , Where she need feare nor Mayor nor Recorder . Well , say she do ; 't were pretty , but 't were pitty A Middlesex Bayliffe should arrest the Citty .
EPIGRAM. 14. In Rufum . PRiscus to Rufus for some filthy vsage Did send a challenge by a peeuish boy , The boy he beat that brought so bold a message But No point field would Rufus par mafoy : So haue I seene a dog oft bite the stone , And not the man , by whom he sees it throwne
EPIGRAM. 15. In Crantorem . CRantor the Citizen long in dispaire , For twenty yeares his barren wife teem'd not , And now that shee hath brought him forth an Heire , He 's frollicke and a ioyfull man God wot . Alas poore foole how vainely he reioyces 'T is none of his if 't go by most of voyces .
EPIGRAM. 16. In Poetastrum & amicam suam putricem . MY little Litteratus hath a Squall , A limned one , whom he doth Mistresse cal : They eat , drink , talk , and laugh , and lye together , And lawfull 't is , and 't is allow'd to either . The reason is ( who so desires to know it ) His Mistresse is a painter , hee a Poet. Pictoribus atque poetis quidlibet , &c.
EPIGRAM. 17. In Hersilium . HErsilius the Barber-Surgeon Hates Lucy cause shee barbeth many one And them so artificially doth trimme That they need neuermore be shau'd by him : This is the cause Hersilius doth hate her But would the foolish man well weigh the matter How t is his profite that shee plaies the Barber His heart gainst her would no such hatred harbor : What though she makes him loose a lowsy science , Shee fits his Surgery with fatter Clients .
EPIGRAM. 16. Of Tobacco ashes . TObacco for a Phoenix Will doth prize Such vertues from the ashes of it rise : His instance ; Hee his whore and horse doth make It scour'd her teeth , it skind his skabby backe .
EPIGRAM 19. In Leonatum . THe filthiest , the fowlst-deformed lasse That is , will bee , I thinke or euer was Leonatus loues , wherewith should shee him draw , Except as she 's like iet , he be like straw .
EPIGRAM. 20. In Cosmum . ASke Cosmus why he is a Gentleman , Hee tels what seruices his sire hath seene , As when victorious Henry Bolleine wanne , And when King Phillip tooke S. Quintius in : His Vnkle was at th' rising in the North , And did at Tilbery good reckoning cary ; Aske of himselfe he can bring nothing forth , But thinkes their deeds , are his , heredita●y ? And say he be a Gentleman therefore Because he beares their Image and their name Hee is but like the Asse that Isis bore ; They honour got hee vnder-goes their fame , And bearing thus what others brought to passe , Hee 's but his Fathers and his Vnkles Asse .
EPIGRAM. 21. Sic transit Gloria . PRide , and the Court ; you make vs too vnthrifty ; Buy coach and horse : but what 's the end of all , What cost an hundred , sell againe for fifty , And then my Gallants from their Chariots fall : Fore-times but fabled of one Phaeton You make ours testify of many one .
EPIGRAM. 22. In Hylam puerum immaturè mortum . HYlas a child , and dead , how should it come ? Surely his threed of life was but a thrum .
EPIGRAM. 23. In Castriotem . SEe , see , what loue is now betwixt each fist ; Since Castriotes had a skabby wrist , How kindly they lye clawing one another As if the left hand were the right hands brother .
EPIGRAM. 24. In Marthum . HOw oft haue I heard Martha make her boast How she her husband vsde before she had him , How palpably his patience she crost , In plainer termes too what a Calfe she made him , What since I heare not , but 't is shrewdly ghest The Calfe is since become a horned beast .
EPIGRAM. 25. In Selinum . THey say Selinus writes exceeding well , Till he of Bacchus grape too deepely tast , For then is his Minerua quite displast , How contrary to that which Poets tell , Of Ioues strange breeding , stranger nursing vaine , Selinus wit is breecht when wine's in 's braine .
EPIGRAM. 26. In duos ebrios . FAber and Frankus I you both commend , For both you will be drunken with a friend : 'T was Theseus and Perithous amity , So went they both to hell for company .
EPIGRAM. 27. Ad quosdam florentes quondam , iam miseros & conquerentes commilitones suos . WHy shew you mee , my ( whilome happy ) mates The ouergrowne infirmities that grieue you , Wo's mee to see your so-much altred States : I can lament , but I can not relieue you . Think'st thou Wat I can cure the curelesse goute ? Can Iames Scyatticke hips hope helpe of mee ? Dicks dropsy-ale-puft flesh stands swelling out , I can recouer none of all you three : And Rafe , the pox may eate into thy bones , And thou remaine remedilesse for mee : Nor leprous lacke be freed from scabs : at once I can helpe none of you in no degree : For first I 'me no Physition at all , And Poore , I cannot build an Hospitall .
EPIGRAM. 28. Videntur & non sunt . SOme men go braue and some againe go bare When neither of them seeme the men they are , I know rich lads go patcht in leather pelts , And hood their heads vnder some greasy felts : Againe I know some silke lads , coinelesse euer , Beare high their heads in some fresh colour'd Beuer , And siluer-shooe-strings ore their toes do weare Such shooe-strings as a man may safely sweare Are better then their purse-strings , ten to one , For they can show some siluer , these can none .
EPIGRAM. 29. Velle paupertatis suae . T Is strange , now I am poore what I would do , What Hospitals what Almse-houses vpreare ; Build Vpton-bridge in Worc'ster-shire anew ; Giue toplesse Paules one more sky-threatning Spire ; Bring Thames to Oxford , Wye into North-wales , Trent to Northampton , Seauern into Trent , Auon to Seauern ; All to carry Sailes Quite from the sea into the Continent : Helpe Widdowes , Orphanes , Maymed , and the Poore , With Wadam build a Colledge for the godly ; Erect ( so farre surpassing all before ) A Library with all praise-worthy Bodly : Make a huge chaine from Douer reach to Callis For to secure all passengers for France , Free Bond-slaues , ransom Captiues from the Gallies , All honest Sea-wrackt Marchants re-aduance . Nay more , what Learned Bacon left vndone , Engirt Great Brittaine with a Brazen Wall : On thousand good deeds now my mind doth run Now I can nothing , now I would do all I can so little and would do so much , Sure I am too well giuen , to grow rich .
EPIGRAM. 30. Arcades amb● . I Ack and Dick both with one woman dealt , So long till she the Paines of women felt : Now Dick , he thinkes to put a tricke on Iack , And Iack againe to hang it on Dicks backe : Which got the childe , it makes't a doubtfull case , It hath so like ( they say ) Iacks nose , Hic vsurpatur pro Dick , inquibusdam paatibus Angliae . Dicks face : But by both marks , my iudgment should be quick Et vitula tu dignus , Iack & h●e .
EPIGRAM. 31. In Richardum . AT three go downes Dick doffs me off a pot , The English Gutter's Latin for his throate .
EPIGRAM. 32. In Marcellum . MArcellus if you marke how he doth go Is nothing else but imitation , By his apparell you can hardly know What Countriman he is , or of what Nation , For note you him ; he weares a Spanish felt , A French-craw'd Doublet , and a Dutch deep Slop : A Turky Blade , a Crosse-bar'd Irish Hilt , Hangers guilt-wrought with Indian pearle a top , And girdle too , wherein ( ware the stabbado ) His Poyniard in a swaggering skarfe is got : His stocking silke of Naples or Granado , His Garter tyed with a Switzers knot , Beside a long French locke , a Sarazens head , A big Gades Beard , a grim Swartruttres looke : By these what Countriman , who can aread ? Nay of what Country may hee not bee tooke ? Sure if a man a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 bee , Microcos●●● . Marc●llus seemes that little world to mee .
EPIGRAM. 33. In A●mam . NAn trades , yet will she not bee called whore , Nor Pet nor Puncke , but call her Curtezan : Shee takes it kindly and conceiues no more , But 't is as much to say as courteous Anne . A thing in these our daies to wonder at , A Catholicke not know t'quiuocat .
EPIGRAM. 34. Quot bipedes aurum . WHat ordinary Gallant now but goes On Spani●● leather haltred with a Rose , Circling with gold , or siluer-spangled lace : 'T is strange how times haue altered the case . Lesse cost , then 's now bestow'd on either foote , Did buy K. William Bufus a whole sute .
EPIGRAM. 35. In Christophorum . KIts conscience shal ne're bring him introuble 'T is like an Os●er any way 't will double : And for the oath , no touching of him there , You shall haue him , what you wil haue him , swear● Nor for Religion ; for to tell you true , Hee 's neither of the Old nor of the New .
EPIGRAM. 36. In Luscum morionem . LVscus , that Minotaure thy monstrous wit , Lies in that lowsy Laborinth thy head , So close as no Art can discouer it , Now whilst th' art liuing , nor when thou art dead . A longer threed then Ariadnes twine , Shall ner'e finde wit in that same pate of thine .
EPIGRAM. 37. In Metellum . MEtellus vowd a voyage into France , To learne the language , and be Frenchifide , But he found out a neerer way by chance : For in a vauting house as he did ride , Of his pretence in part he was possest . For there his Genius did so well apply him , That she with whom his conf'rence did consist . Eu'n as she spet , her breath did Franchifie , him . Surely I can but wonder how the wench , That neuer knew to speak , should spet out French .
EPIGRAM. 38. In Stilponem . COward Stilpo , often dar'd to fight , Still puts it off with pretty odde excuses , He feares not any liuing by this light , But he shewes reason wherefore he refuses : The little man too much his vndermatch , T' imbrue his sword , his bloud is too too base . The Eagle scornes the silly Flie to catch : The Mouses death's the Elephants disgrace : One like himselfe of equall strength and making , O 't were a prey fit for his Lyons paw , But should he kill him , he were in wise taking , He feares not him ; marry he feares the law : Nor will he answere euery idle Iacke . Stilpo is rich , and he hath much to lose , Th' other perhaps in penury and lacke , Growes desperate , and cares not how it goes . Thus Law or Fortune , or too niggard Nature , Begets excuses for his cowardize . The strong , the poore , the man of little stature , He dares with all , daring with none ( more wise . ) Surely by this I see , and seeke no furder , Stilpo keepes one Commandement , Do●● 〈…〉
EPIGRAM. 39. In Demetrium . STarke drunke , Demetrius word is : Hee 'l stand too● , When he hath neither vse of hand nor foot , But iostles this , and shoulders vp that wall , And stands to nothing , yet hee 'l stand to all .
EPIGRAM 40. In Swadde . SWadde's in Commission , yet but beares the name , For all the roast is ruled by his dame , Sh'examines , bailes , bindes ouer , and releases , Remits and Mittimusseth whom she pleases , To all that come to him for wrongs redresse , His wife 's the Iustice , he but of the peace .
EPIGRAM. 41. In Spurium . I Wonder on 't , Apelles when he painted The rare perfections of the Gr●cian Dame , Himselfe with sight of many faire acquainted , Aud stole some grace from euery one that came . And Spurius , is it possible thy mother , Helpt with the workwanship of many one , Who had , besides the sight of sundry other , Should bring forth thee such an ill-shaped sonne ? But her confusion did as much portend , 'T would proue some lumpish Chaos in the end .
EPIGRAM . 42 In e●ndem . THat thou art monstrous most of any other , The reason to proceed here hence I gather , That hauing such a strumpet to thy mother , The monster Multitude became thy Father .
EPIGRAM. 45. To all good subiects . YOu rich , your royall , loyall hearts reueale , Not grudging when your gratio●s Soueraigne sends , Nor at a Non-plus for a Friuy seale , But when your Prince ( like Cyrus ) tries his friends , Make you your Prince , with Cyrus to approue , A Kings Exchequer is his subiects loue .
EPIGRAM. 44. In Caspiam . CAspia the decrepit old rich Croot , Whose face ( th' antiquity of time bewraying ) Is riueld like a ruffled summer Boot ; Shee that 's in all things , but in wealth , decaying : Caspia , that same fowle deformed Fubs , Who neuer needs feare coughing out her teeth , ( For she hath none , but a few Holly-stubs ) She that should think of nothing now but death ; Maugre th' imperfections of her Age , She will with Tubrio the yong gallant wed , And linke herselfe to him in marriage . What shall we say next day when she is dead ? That this old foole did that yong fellow take , Him not her Husband , but her Heire to make .
EPIGRAM 45. Bis duo notani quae non possunt reuocari , Virginitas , Tempus , Verbum dictumque , Voluptas . SCaurus his life voluptuously hath led ; Voluptas . Verbum . Virginitas . Tempus . Ruffinus tongue hath walk't immodestly ; Lusilla she hath lost her maiden , head ; And Thuscus spent his time in vanity : But now the Blacke Oxe treadeth on their feet , They find their faults , and 'gin to feare their fate , And like the Troians they haue after-wit , And would be wise when now it is too late : For who can call back Words already spoken , Lost time , past Pleasure , Virgin-bands once broken ?
EPIGRAM. 46. In Dol pregnantem . DOl learning Propriaquae maribas without-booke , Like Nomen crescentis genetiuo doth looke .
EPIGRAM. 47. In Oxoniam . Iile terrarum mihi preter omnes Angulus ridet . Horat. Od. ENglands faire Athens , Youths thrise happy Nurse , Natures resiner , Learnings Consistory , Refuge whereto the Muses haue recourse , And where to be the Graces chiefly glory : Pardon thy Pupils high-presuming pen , That dares thy praise ambitiously aduenter , " Each little streame repaies the Ocean His borrowed waues , and doth the seare-enter : My selfe with like gratuity incenst , Returne to thee ( from whom it first sprang forth ) That little wit , that heretofore thou lentst , To legend out thy true deserued worth . But out alas , what rellish hath my riming , It can but be a blemish to the breeder , And I shall be controuled for high climing , Me thinkes I heare already from the Reader ; Who telles me , in my talking thus so boldly , " Better be silent , then commend so coldly .
EPIGRAM 48 Adeandem . Desiderium in discessu . AT natale solum placet omnibus : optat Vlysses , Fumantes Ithacae posse videre domos : Cuique , placet Natale solum ; mihi di'plicet 〈◊〉 ; Horreoque , in Patria solus ego esse mea ; Ipsamque inuitus repeto : sic perfidus olim Dicitur ad patrios , Hannibal isse lares . Cur fugimus patriam , si causam quaritis ; ●d●m ; Illum amor Italiae , me tenot Oxoniae .
Anglice . EAch man his Country loues : Vlysses wish Was to see Ithacks smoke ( smoke little worth ) Each cares for Countrey ; I care not a rush , I loath to liue where I was first brought forth . Now goe I home , as Hannibal once went , To natiue Affrick , sad and discontent . We hate our Countries : would you neds know why ? My loue is Oxford ; His , was Italy .
EPIGRAM 49. In Salium . WHen Salius takes the pen in hand , he bragges ; Hee 'l rowze his wit to raise the p●ise of rags ; Quia ex lacer pannu sit pap●… And writes such verses as stand men in steead , For Priny bisnesse rather then to read . Now pray you when the paper lies besh — How are ragges raised by his rowzing wit ?
EPIGRAM. 50. In Flauium . WHen Flauius once would needs praise Tin , His braine could bring no reasons in , But what his belly did bethinke , Platters for meate , and Pots for drinke .
EPIGRAM. 51. In Virtutem . VErtue we praise , but practise not her good , ( Athenian-like ) we act not what we know ; So many men do talke of Robin Hood , Who neuer yet shot arrow in his bow .
EPIGRAM. 52. In Ebrios . WHy Drunkards should be so improuident , And yet so often drinke a Deity : ● . Bacchum . To proue the cause I know no Argument , But that they surfet in satiety . Hony , how holesome , and how full of pleasure , ●tiam mel fi ninium ingra●ū . And yet how hurtfull taken out of measure !
EPIGRAM 53. In Crispinus . CRispinus giues , where gifts he lookes for greater , This kindnesse shewes him but a kinde of Cheater .
EPIGRAM. 54. In Patum . PAEtus dying , cozend Atropos , She should not cut his vitall threed in two , His Shorditch Saint a fairer fate bestowes , She did as much as destiny could doe ; Yet not by cutting ( for she vs'd no knife ) But by the burning of the threed of life .
EPIGRAM. 55. In duos letigiosos . FIcus hath three-farthings-worth of wrong Done to him by his neighbour Clunnico , For which he vowes to be reueng'd ere long ; That to make good , to law he meanes to goe : And Clunnico , as stubborne , will not shrinke What ere it cost : by this the Lawyer 's feed , Who nimbly purses their dis-powched chinke , And hearts them both , that they be not agreed : They ( like two dogges ) lye fighting for the bone , The which a third , the Lawyer , feeds vpon .
EPIGRAM. 56. In Embrionem . TRow yee who lately to the warres is gone ? The neither wise nor warlike Embrion : There if perhaps he happily atcheeue What we haue now no reason to beleeue ; And that his valors vnexpected proofe , Be to his Countries and his owne behoofe . Thus in my times his name I will inroll , Loe here the Goose that sau'd the Capitoll .
EPIGRAM 57. LOndon is like to haue no more strong Beere , Aquae duclu● per Magistru● Middletonun omnium , ( qui vnquam fuerunt ) ciuitati vtilissimus . All long of my Lord Mayor as we heare : His brother rather may the cause be thought , That so much water to the Towne hath brought .
EPIGRAM 58. Proh dolor . THe 17 Prouinces are all at peace : Alas good Souldiers , it boots not now , The military Science to professe , You must come home , and liue the Lord knowes how : Like to haue small reliefe , but too much Law , And hang'd , if but for taking of a straw .
EPIGRAM. 59. In Mathonem . THough great mens houses make it knowne , How Buckes-hornes stand the hall in steed , To hang vp Hats and Caps vpon ; Yet euery where there 's no such need : For what needs it in Mathos hall ? His head , his hornes , may serue for all .
EPIGRAM. 60. Dum Spiritus hos regit artus . OF all the letters in the Cris-crosse row , I loue the W. why ? if you 'l know ; It doth begin two names , I would be loth For too much boot change either of them both : The first I serue , loue , honour , and attend , The other is my Kinsman , and my Frend.
EPIGRAM. 61. In Clit●m . THat Clitus is become so melancholly , Nor losse of goods , nor death of frends doth cause it , But his Pr●●pus , fired by his folly , He is in feare he shall be forc'd to loose it : He heard such newes from the Physitian , It must be sau'd by Circumcision .
EPIGRAM . 62 Consanguinio suo Febricitanti . TWo contraries ( Philosophy sayes ) neuer , At one time can in one selfe-subiect be , Yet note but the condition of the feuer , And 't is a false position we see ; Which strangely doth conioyn mere opposites , And extreame cold t'exce●s●ue heate vnites . Which ( like two st●uggling twinnes within one wombe ) By striuing , so our vitall powers distort , As both our strength and senses quite benumme , Distaste our pallats , make vs All a● Mort , Our bodies of all faculties displace , And makes our braines to run the wilde-goose chace . Cozen , to you these lines I need not write , Who haue the practike , mine 's but speculation , I do but tell ; you , feele the Agues might Would you were lesse acquainted with her fashion . Yet to your comfort , I haue heard it euer , " No Physicke for the body to the feuer : Which though it bring it to some little weaknes , It purgeth choller , swageth swelling tumours , Cuts off the causes of ensuing sickenes , Rarefies fleame , and for all ill-bred humours , Phleb●tomy , nor purging , no● the Bath , Haue halfe the healthfull power th' Ague hath : Besides that it the shomacke doth restore , Reformes digestion , concockts crudities , Repaires the faculties impair'd before ; Yet for all these , and more good properties , I thinke you could bee well contented yet , And I could rather wish you rid of it .
EPIGRAM. 63. Viae tibi . Eidem . LOoke to thy selfe , and learne to liue at home , Haue fellowship henceforth with few or none , See , see , to what a passe the world is come , Friendship abides not , bee thy fortunes gone , Be thou like Winter that like Sommer wast , The Swallowes flie that flockt before so fast : Friends swim , like fishes , as the streame doth run , And like slye serpe●ts lurke in fairest greene , They onely reuerence the rising Sunne , Scarse looking to'ards him , when he doth decline ; 'T is wealth preserues good will , that from thee taken , Thou that wast followed shalt be soone forsaken : Nay marke eu'n now ; the very Bird of loue , Betakes her selfe vnto the fairest building ; And her owne home abandoneth the Done , Fugi●nt ad can dida tecta Columb●e . If once she sees it ruinous and yeelding , No maruell then , though faith faile in the triall , When loues true Turtle is turn'd thus disloyall . This vile Hart-gnawing Vultur-Age then flye , Feed not the Hounds whose teeth may after teare thee , Let not the serpent in thy bosome lye , Lest stinging , thou repent he lay so neere thee : Be thine owne neighbour ; and be this thy doome , To looke vnto thy selfe , to liue at HOME .
EPIGRAM. 64. In iactabundum gentis suae● TEll me no more what trophies were erected , By those , from whom thy Gentry tooke deriuing , Show me their vertues that made them respected , If they , as yet , bee in their sonne suruiuing : 'T is not enough , ' tinherit any man , To reckon from Coruinus thy descent , From Nasica , or Nobler Affrican , If vertue bee not in th'here ditament ; Or say ; 't is credit to bee come of them ; 'T is more dishonour when thou shalt digresse , And proue a bad stalke of so braue a stemme , Disabling thy birth in thine vnworthinesse : I would Thersites had begot thee rather , Trans●tum ex luuenal : And thou proue like Patroclus worthy friend , Then that Achilles should haue beene thy father , And thou to proue Thirsites in the end : " No fathers deeds can dignify the sonne , Nor can we call that ours , we haue not done . Quae non fecimus ipsi Vixea nostravoco .
EPIGRAM. 65. In Richardum . DIck will to wiuing , and a whore will wed , Ware hornes ; a wager , whether will haue more A Tanners backe-side ( Richard ) or your head , Or Scot of Fleet-streete , though he haue such store : Dick were your hornos as visible as they , I hold my life it were an euen Lay.
EPIGRAM. 66. In pestem , Oxonium a duobus Gallis allatum anno . 1609. OXford's infected , and the French-men brought it , The Pox to bring the plague , who wold haue thought it , I should haue said , nay more , I should haue swore it , The Pox had beene a Supersedeas for it . Good Towne ; for thee ( for thee I euer loued ) I wish the Prouerb had not beene disproued .
EPIGRAM. 67. Epitaph . foeneratoris . WIth vsury and common harmes , Here he lies that purchast Armes ; Earth presse softly , wormes forbeare , 'T is a Gentleman lies heere , Hee and all that so heape good , Needs they must be men of bloud .
EPIGRAM. 68. In liuorem . ENuy did aske mee for her Epigram , I flatly answered she should haue none : But if that for her Epitaph shee came I would haue willingly bestowed one : Think'st thou I le dye ( qd. she ) I must suruiue , So long as any shall bee left aliue : Pascitur in vinis .
EPIGRAM. 69. Candida simplicitas . A poore man at the Tauerne was in place , Where his Atturney told his Clients case Vnto another ; Lawier-like the while , Naming but Ioha a Noxe , and Iohn a St●e , And , quoth th' Atturney , you must vnderstand , This Iohn a Noxe is owner of the Land : The poore man present , could not but reply , Not Iohn a Noxe , and 't please you sir , 't is I.
EPIGRAM. 70. A Free-man . A Kings-B●nch fits not such as I And Lud your Gate is built too hy , And yet my credite shall not Fleet 'T is better then two Counters yet :
EPIGRAM. 71. Adorans substantiam et orans imaginem . I Loue my Soueragine as good Subiects should , I 'de haue my Soueraigne as rich Subiects would ▪ Himselfe ; why no : but by a second course I would his picture alwaies in my purse .
EPIGRAM. 72. Dij votis aspirate meis . ALl prayers for Iacobus are , but mine 's , Both for Iacobus and for Iacobines .
EPIGRAM. 73. In Cinnam . SO long as Cinna holds his peace , he 's tooke , To bee a Wiseman , onely for his looke , But he no sooner speakes , but men discry him , And find his countenance did ●oule belye him : Were Cinna dumbe , he had a hapy turne , Or if to hold his peace he could but learne ; " Silence in most showes wit , in Fooles alone It makes men think th 'haue some when they haue none .
EPIGRAM. 74. In Critonem vociferante● GOod-man ( quoth a ) knowing who I am , My wealth might teach thee vse another name : Good-man , hart ; I can hardly forbeare thee , Sweete Maister Crito pardon ; now I heare thee , Why this at first had pleas'd mee ; well 't is past , Remember next your words be better plac't . Such is the strange condition of men A rich-man once , no more a Good-man then .
EPIGRAM. 75. Honores mutant mores . WHen I and some of my Com-rades were poore , O Lord how wee lou'd one another then , Wee lou'd as , I thought , no men could loue more ; But , since the most of them are growne rich men , And I sticke fast still to my pouerty , They flye from mee and or I am skarse knowne , Or quite forgotten , what an Asse am I , The case is partly mine , but more their owne : And their offence may well forgiuen bee , That haue forgot themselues as well as me .
EPIGRAM. 76. In Colaxem . SInce Colax came from the Low-country wars , Each Tauerne and Red-lettice knowes his skars His skores too ; well knowne to them all , Skarrs on his skin , his skores vpon their wall .
EPIGRAM. 77. In fungum . FAint-harred Fungus that dare fight with none , When he is drunke will fight with any one ; Is 't he , thinke you ? No , Bacchus for his sake The shape of him doth surely vndertake ; Nor is it strange , for in Troy-wars we read , So for their fauourites the old Gods did : With drunken Fungus ware you fight not than , For trust me 't is God Bacchus , not the man .
EPIGRAM. 78. In Luscum● quod quisque suae fortunae faber . LVs●● , the worst demeanur'd man aliue , Wonders , of all he onely cannot thriue , But ' t is his luck , sayes he , when by his fauour , T is not his luck , it is his lewd behauiour : " Our selues our fortunes frame ( how ere he giue it ) " And none is hurt but by himselfe , beleeue it . Nemo laeditur nisi à seipso .
EPIGRAM. 79. Alea , Vina , Venus . FOure things in drinking breed our discontent , Our Wealth , our Wit , our Strength , our Time mispent , Three of the foure ( which makes vs more agast ) Wealth , Strength and Time by Women are defac'd . And two of three ( take onely strengh away ) Our Wealth and Time the Dye brings to decay . Therefore , that Wealth , Wit , Strength , Time be not lost . Fly Dice , flye Women , but flye Drinking most .
EPIGRAM . 80 Aliud de eisdem . THe earth three furies hath , which ouer-match The Hellish● A●● ; yea , or all the Fiends Three headed Hecate did euer hatch , Yet holds the earth these Furies for her friends : And suckes the sweet that sowrely doth digest , And first the Die she vseth for disport , And holds the Grape-god greatly in request , Yet brings this this double pleasure , treble hurt . The third to these , I was about to name , Lusilla bob'd me , and bade , Peace for shame .
EPIGRAM 81. In Cosmum . WHen Cosmus will auerre a thing for truth , He sweares , as he 's a Gentleman forsooth . Well , say he tell the most notorious lye , Yet as he sweares , 't is true , and that sweare I : For wot you whence the Gentleman did come , His father Miller had a golden thum .
EPIGRAM. 82. De Epigrammatis suis. MY Epigrams , among my learned friends , Are onely praised for their pretty ends , They ioyne with me but onely in the close , Gainst all the rest they haue too ranke a nose ; Liu●d he ( who stoale from Greece her eloquence ) Tully should be his owne and my defence , Gainst those that my beginnings discommend , Gainst those that note his sentences nice end , Gainst all such selfe-conceited seeming-wise , Me and himselfe well would he patronize : Me , for my idle entring to the matter , Himselfe , for 's Esse posse vid●atur .
EPIGRAM. 83. Omni homo mendax . POoets and Painters , once it was your part , And none but you were priuiledg'd to lye ; Now all the world authorizing your Art , Chalenge a charter of like liberty : Philosophy affirmes , a wise man may Sometimes dissemble with safe conscience : And your Ciuilian will not sticke to say , That The officious lie is no offence : Our Pure Diuines that make so to abhorre it , False A●anias trade haue not forgot . And for your Lawyer fee him roundly for it , Hee 'l lie you faster then a horse can trotte : Seeke to Phisicians , health they will assure thee ; And if thou haue a skabbe or vlcer grieue thee , What say the Surgeons ? questionles the●'l cure thee , When both i' th end in worser case do leaue thee● How falsly sweare your Sellers to the Buyers ; Nay , almost , who will not abiure the truth ? Yet being askt , who will they say are liers ? Poets and Painters , and none else forsooth : Who tells me so , tell me too ( if he can ) Who 's not a Poet , or a Painter than ?
EPIGRAM. 84. Fortius est qui &c. Ad Labeonem . BEleeue me Labeo , this were fortitude , Ouer thy selfe to get a victory ; To see thy foule affections subdude , This were a triumph worthy memory ; Though some will hold , true valour doth con●st In resolution and an actiue bodle , Of iniuries not suffering the least , But who so thinkes , I thinke him but a noddie . Achilles was commended , wot you why ? Not for the valiant deeds he did performe ; But then he shewd his magnanimity , When gainst great Agame●non he did storme : Others perhaps with hasty insurrections Would take reuenge of an iniurious offer , Well could he temper our affections , And ( what the valiant seldome can ) could suffer True valour , Labeo , if I reade aright , Must not be onely Actiue to attempt : For why the Lyon and the Bull can fight And shew great mindes too , and much hardiment ; But the Irrationall can onely grieue : Ours must not be so Beast-like furious , But readier sometime , wrong to take then giue , Else manhood might prooue too iniurious , Where it must be considerate and carefull , Betwixt extreames to keepe the merry meane , Not to be rashly bold , nor basly fearefull , Not too too milde , nor too too full of spleane , Who thought one world too little to subdue , Found 't was too much t' orecome a furious minde ▪ Then , as at first , so here conclude we now : Labeo , this were true fortitude I finde , This were a triumph worthy memory , Ouer thy selfe to get a victory .
EPIGRAM 85 In Truncum . SWaggring Truncus sweares in eu'ry towne , He is for any for a broken crowne , And fight , else damne him , hee 'l with any one , Marry with cudgels , edge-tooles , hee 'le vse none , I like the Woodden-hearted slaue that wanting mettle He will be sure his weapon haue as little .
EPIGRAM. 86. In Gualterum . MY schoole-fellow , and my old friend Gualter , Could read the ABC , Primer , and the Psalter None more distinctly , none could reade it better , And now I heare he doth scarce know a letter ; His marriage , and his wanton Wise men gesse , haue wrought in him this strange forgetfulnesse : If that be all , doubtlesse he will recouer , If so be she will do but her endeuour : And as shee hurt him shee can help him too , Or make him learne his Horne-booke o're anew .
EPIGRAM. 87. Vitia virtutis speciem induunt . VIce thought it once her onely grace , T'Imm aske her selfe with vertues face , Now shee abhorres those idle shifts , And stands vpon her owne good gifts : Knowing the worlds opinion Hath made her the worlds Minion . When Pride is counted Decency , And Wrath reputed Valiancy ; Enu●'s held for Emulation , Sloth a life in Con●emplation ; When all commend the Gluttony Of Aegypts Queene and Antony ; And to be drunken once a weeke , 'T is a Gentleman-like tricke , Besides the wholesomenesse they vrge O t' is Physicke , 't will the body purge ; And Letch●ry ; ô GOD forbid , There should bee sinne in such a deed , Why it breeds loue , begets delight , Besides the world is peopled by 't . Dissembling and Hypocr●y , Showes Wisedome , and showes Policy ; The world it selfe's turn'd Macheuill In practising and praysing ill . My selfe too , that can well become A Romane when I am at Rome , And otherwise when otherwhere English , Scotch , Irish , whatsoe're ; Am willing sometime to traduce To wanton sense my merry Muse , Holding it foolish modesty Idely still to talke of honesty ; And say I do write ribaldrous , It is a vice held vertuous .
EPIGRAM. 88. In Palladium . PAlladius when all the world doth iudge Thy wife so faire , thy seruant such a drudge , I wonder what 's the reason of thy wrongs To giue the fowle what to the faire belongs . Or is 't , because affections oft blindnesse Doth vndeseruedly dispose her kindnesse ? Or is 't , because it is our natures course , To see the better , yet to seeke the worse ? Or this , or that , or what I know not else : Onely I heere men say the Maid she swels , Which makes mee gather by the History , Farther meaning of a future mistery , And that Palladius did it , but to know By change of Pasture how a Calfe might grow .
EPIGRAM. 89. In Caluum . CAluus sweares a compleate Gentleman Must haue the Pox , or else hee can bee none , I see then I can not bee what hee can For I 'le bee sworne hee is a pocky one .
EPIGRAM. 90. Of Moll Cut-purse disguised going . THey say Mol's honest , and it may bee so , But yet it is a shrewd presumption , no : To touch but pitch , 't is knowne it will defile , Moll weares the breech , what may she be the while ; Sure shee that doth the shadow so much grace , What will shee when the substance comes in place ?
EPIGRAM. 91. In Hylam . HYlas the Puritan is of beleefe , That he by no meanes can a Cuckold bee ▪ If whilst hee sleepe another slip t' his wife , For in my sleepe I am as dead quoth hee , And who can do a dead-man iniury : Here-hence his wife so wanton waxen is , That should hee sleep ' tauoid all infamy , And dye as often as shee doth amisse , How many times a day , had Hylas need To drinke of Lethe , or eate Poppy seed ?
EPIGRAM. 92. In Dorotheam . DOll , accused for a common Trull , Sayes , she is for her Country borne , Sweete sinne as sweetely salu'd ( sweete Doll ) Thou speak'st but reason I le be sworne , Borne for thy Countrey , 't is most true ; Nay thou hast borne thy Country too .
EPIGRAM. 93. In Castorem . CAstor , were it charectred in thy brow , Eu'ry offence thy lustfull wise doth do ; Them needeth not , that see thy knotty front So much wish : Now a horne-plague vpon 's : Rather they might with admiration Go learne the Art of Numeration Nor could they Number , but they might aime faire By likely-hood ; a Horne for eu'ry Haire .
EPIGRAM 40. In ●undem . CAstor , thy horned brow can be no shame , That very place predominates the Ramme , Besides th'in visible grace ; thou foole , what fear'st . None see the hornes that many know thou wear'st .
EPIGRAM. 95. In Momum quendam . THough gainst my Rimes thou art out-ragious , Think'st thou I care for thy fantasticke fits ? Thou say'st my sence is as my selfe , Contagious , 'T is Venemous , 't will poyson yonger wits . Although I know the world holds mee excused , And that my pen needs no Apology : I meane not for the method therein vsed , Or that it sauours ought of Poetry , But for I doe so libr'ally disclose , And touch the vicers of this vice-growne Age , And them to laughtes and to shame expose , As if I seem'd possest with holy rage : No , no , but let the Spartane speake for me , Whose vie I gladly imitate herein , Hee lets his Sonne his drunken Seruant see , That by the sight hee may avoid the sinne , Like v●e , may men make of my Epigrammes , That when they see decipher'd here by me , Other mens sinnes together with their shames , By seeing others , may their owne foresee . But O my ribald tearmes : No Momus , no , Hereby my Muse seemes more commodious : Is 't shame to say ? How much more then to do , What by but naming seemes so odious ? Thus Momus , whilst thou labourst to peruert What I haue labourd to a good intent Well maist thou show the malice of thy heart , But neuer make me the more male content , Rather thou mak'st me proud to censure thus , " Enuy is onely 'gainst the vertuous .
EPIGRAM. 96. In Fuscam . I Pre thee Fusca , wouldst thou haue a Coach To poast the streets , so like a paragon , That all that to thy Concaue Carre approach , May cry Madona to a Curtezan , And simpringly salute a sluttish sweet , And as it were make curtsie to a crab ▪ Thy hopes are high , and yet perhaps may hi● , And destiny may dignifie a drab ; Or Brid●wels duty may ( to thy desart ) If not a Coach , yet helpe thee to a cart .
EPIGRAM. 97. In Fortunam . FOrtune , be stormy as thou hast beene still , Dis-gorge thy good vpon some witlesse gu●s , Still credit me in crossing me with ill : What sayes the prouerbe , Fortune fauours fooles . Folly thy fauours , Wisedome hath thy frownes : Hence I suspect my selfe a poore wise man , Yet wish to be thy Foole , and full of Crownes : Sweet Fortunes Al●umize me if you can ; Let me be Midas , and be this my fate . To bee a Foole , and to be Fortunate .
EPIGRAM. 98. Innersio Argumenti . FOole that I am to wish my selfe a foole , As if that Fortune would be Follies friend , Each boy , but grounded from the Grammar-schoole , Will finde my fault , and wherein I offend ; Some Paradox , from Tully will he fetch , Or from the Stoicks straine an argument , To proue , the onely wise are onely rich , And none are poore but the improuident . Is 't true indeed ? How came it then to passe , That Apulcius prou'd a golden Asse ?
EPIGRAM. 99. In Frankum . FRankus indeed House-keeping 's commendable , But harke you : you must fashion your course ; Begin as to hold on you may be able , And rather still grow better then grow worse . Who keepes within his compasse , at his pleasure May giue his Liberality more scope , When he that spends beyond his means & measure Of being Better banisheth all hope . Beside , there 's none almost but will mis-doubt , Seeing such hare-brain'd hospitality , How such a one is able to hold out , All through his lauish prodigality ▪ Frankus take heed , and feare this fowle disaster , The house may surfet and spu● out his maister .
EPIGRAM. 100. Ad familiarem suum , quomodo in Musam malè meritam animaduertat . MAy be my Muse , like that same foolish reed ▪ That all abrode his Masters shame descry'd Will doe by me , as he by Midas did , And for a foole will make me notified . Which , gentle friend , if so it shall fall out , M●ssacre thou this my vnthankfull Muse , Let not thy Spirit be made a ( — ) clou● , All these my Epigrams are thine to vse ▪ Which though they 'l do thy study little grace , They 'l do thee pleasure in some Pr●uy place . MARTIAL . LIB. 1. Cui legisse satis non est Epigrammata centum , Nil satis est illi , Ceciliane , mali .

Explicit

Rub and a great Cast.

Sequitur

Run and a great Cast.

Brutigina tollant equites , pediteque , cachinnum : Per me equidem lic●at .

* * HORAT:

Iocum tentauit , éo quod Illecebris erat , & grata nouitate morandus Lector .

RVNNE , And a great Cast.

THE SECOND BOWLE .

To the right Honourable his singular good Lord and Maister , THOMAS Lord Winàsore : His Run , and a great Cast. YEt more ( thrice worthy Lord ) more of that vaine , My idler times and youthfulnesse affected ; Agarb which 'mongst the gracefu'st wits doth raigne , Whereto the choicest spirits are addicted : Not that I place my wit amongst the pregnant , And yet your Lordship , when that you haue seene them , Shall see my starres haue not beene so malignant , But my conceits do carry salt within them : Though not like some , in such aboundant measure , I may bee named , though they bee more noted , To whom the Muses haue vnlockt their treasure ; Ennius ( as artlesse as hee is ) is quoted , But hence vaine-boasting , I le bee no Suffenus ; Onely your Lordships liking , and delight , And pardon when there 's any thing obscenous , I hope , and craue ; and where all goes not right , Your Honour rather pitty then reproue , Since Duty showes her ignorance for Loue .
Virtus vera Nobilitas , Symbolum Domini , scripto a se nominl , vsitatissime subscriptum . THat vertue is the true Nobility I see subcrib'd oft to your written name , But who your vertuous actions shall eie , And how your heart habituates the same : Hee must confesse it a farre greater point , Hee sees it there but Written , here in Print . Your Honours euer the same deuoted . T. F.
Runne and a great Cast. LECTORI .
EPIGRAM. 1. WHilst ( Pedler-like ) I heere vnpacke my pen , And lay you forth the fairest of my wit , Still more and more conceits come flocking in , And in my braines do Hurly-burly it . To Grace them all , I would ingrosse them all ; But when I would this indigested heape Reduce ( more seemely ) into seuerall ; In steed of one ; in , All together step . That when I would tell Sylla's tyranny , Or Nero's cruelty , and Casars stabbing , Straight interrupts mee Druso's letchery , Lucullus drudging , or Lucilla's drabbing . Yet being willing ( though not being able ) I broach my best inuention to dispose them ; But proues my worke still like the Tower of Babell , And thus confusedly I leaue , and loose them ; Then English Hodge-podge ; Irish-boniclabor , Go on , go on , my Gally-maufree labour .
EPIGRAM. 2. Ad Merionem , curpassim Poetae . WHy shouldst thou maruell so Meriones , Whence our so many chattering Poets rise ? Hast thou not heard , Pierides i● Puas . how the Piorides Were metamorphosed to tatling Pies ? Those Pies our Poets caught , this one got I , Which heere thou seest I do againe let fly .
EPIGRAM. 3. Of Leathe false Accuser : LEa some three yeares since , the false accuser , Of his two eares , for that fault , was a looser : And yet they say , hee swaggers , stamps , & swears ; Pray you why not ? who can haue him by th' eares .
EPIGRAM. 4. In Miluum . MIluus , that art deformed in thy face , In eu'ry part ill-fashioned by nature , Beware I wish thee , gaze not in thy glasse , Looke to thy selfe , but looke not , in the water : Lest looking in thy glasse , thou ' euacuate From forth thy filthy corps , thy fairer soule , Or in the water shouldst grow desperate , And drowne the oblect of thy selfe so fowle : How farre vnlike to faire Narcissus fate ; He , for selfe-loue , thou , drowning for selfe-hate
EPIGRAM. 5. Hincille lachrime . ALas the while , poore Kitchin boyes may curse That whirling lacks , and Dogs in wheeles turne broaches And Seruingmen , poore Soules , haue fat'de the worse , Since great men got the tricke to ride in coaches , These first of these for food may now go statue , Nor needs th' attendance of a Seruing-man , A horse-pac't Footman , and a Coach will serue , For certainely since first the world began , And great men , with the world , to run on wheeles : They haue but few or no men at their heeles .
EPIGRAM. 6. In Mopsam . MOpsa had not , I heard her when shee swore , The tooth-ach not these twenty yeares and more , And well may Mopsa sweare , and sweare but truth , 'T is aboue twenty since shee had a tooth .
EPIGRAM. 7. In Cletum . WHat 's Cletus better for his Benefice , I see not how hee can fit much the warmer , Hee ownes the Sheepe , another sheares the Fleece , Hee 's Parson , but his Patron is his Farmer ; 'T is worth at least 200 hundred by the yeare , Cletus is glad he can get barely twenty , Nay and his Patron thinkes hee paies too deere , Liuings grow scarse , and Ministers grow plenty . Fiue for a Reader , ten pounds for a Vicar , Is faire preferment , twenty Marks a Preacher , With monthly Sermons , if hee come off quicker , Why there 's his praise , To be a painefull Teacher . But Cletus takes too much aboue the Market , What twenty pound ? well may his Patron grutch : Hee could haue had as learn'd as Cletus clarke it , For lesse a great deale , nay for halfe as much ; And sweares his predecessour Parson tooke , But bare fiue Markes , besides his Easter-booke .
EPIGRAM. 8. In Epitaphium pingui minerua composituur . WHen Crassus died , his friends , to grace his hearse , Requested one to make his funerall verse , Of whom they did procure it in the end , A ruthfull one , and pittifully pen'd : That sure the man who made it , made great moane His Epitaph was such a sorry one .
EPIGRAM. 9. Aliud . THis Epitaph deserues , this on this stone , To lye as low , as he it lies vpon .
EPIGRAM. 10. Aliud . I Must needs say , were thou mine owne brother , This Epitaph of thine deserueth another : Such sorrow would make the learned to laugh To read : Heere lies a dead Epitaph .
EPIGRAM. 11. STrut to Size and Sessions brings a man To talke with him when he with none else can : Besides , to show hee is of some command To talke to one , that stands with hat in hand .
EPIGRAM. 12. De Pompeio & filijs , ex Martiall . lib. 5. POmpei genitos Asia , atg Eur●pa , sedipsum Terratenet Libies , si tamenvlla tenot : Quid mirum , toto si spargitur Orbe ? jacere Vno non poterat tanta ruina loco .
Translatum . ASia and Europe , Pompeis sonnes , interre ; Himselfe in Affrick lies , if any where What wonder , through all parts o' th world he 's , thrown So great a ruin could not lye in one .
EPIGRAM. 13. Honaratis : Domino suo T. D. W. in minoribato sua , dicat . SOme in their Loues , some other in their feares , Do wish my Lord , your daies at least indure , To the full tearme of one and twenty yeares , The latter , but to make their States more sure ; And those , are they , whose wils once being got Their wishes end , their prayers are expirde , Then liue or die ; als one ; they weigh it not : But they who in their loues your life desirde , Will still the fates importunately trouble Your one and twenty , twenty times to double ,
EPIGRAM. 14. — Mediocribus esse Poetis Non homines , non dij , non concessere columne . Horat. arte PIety ô pitty , death had power Ouer Chaucer , Lidgate , Gower : They that equal'd all the Sages Of these , their owne , of former Ages , And did their learned Lights aduance In times of darkest ignorance , When palpable impurity Kept knowledge in obscurity , And all went Hood-winkt in this I le , They could see and shine the while : Nor Greece nor Rome could reckon' vs , Sloebat Graci , & Rom: omnes alias gentes Barbas asnuncupari . As then , among the Barbarous : Since these three knew to turne perdy The Scru-pin of Phylosophy As well as they ; and left behind As rich memorials of the mind : By which they liue , though they are dead , As all may see that will but read ; And on good workes will spend good howres , In Chaucers , Lidgates , and in Gowers .
EPIGRAM. 15. To the worthy , his friend , Maister FOVLX KNOTTESFORD . WHo knowes thee right hee will thee rightly prize Aboue the generall of Gentlemen , Not sullen-sad , nor selfe-conceited-wife , Yet knowing how to speak , and where and when , And how to liue , and how to loue thy friends : And say ( as man ) thou hast inherent sinne , Thy rare and many vertues make amends : And do but hold the way that thou art in : The president begunne , as well but end it , Many may follow , but there 's none can mend it .
EPIGRAM. 16. In Rodulp . RAfe is growne poore , and now the wood cocke grudges , That his Inferiours rise and are growne rich , Hee sweares he hates them , cals them dunghill drudges , And he hath spent , they 'l neuer spend so much : Indeed hee hath spent all , and I know none , I , able to spend more then Rafe hath done .
EPIGRAM. 17. Vilior Alga . SO fares the world ; we loue our friends , if rich ; I● not , then not : So wary wise wee grow , Wee question not the manner , but how much words A man is worth : we aske no other How : Yet friendships prais'd , and vertue gets good ‛ That 's all the goodnesse this vile age affoords .
EPIGRAM. 18. In Peg. PEg would play false but that she stands in feare 'T will proue within three quarters of a yeare : She fancies , though she followes not the game , 'T is not for feare of sinne , but feare of shame .
EPIGRAM. 19. In Lusillam . LVsilla , though her beauty be out-wore , Yet hath an Image of her fairest hew , As when she was but sixteene , and no more , That in her Chamber hangs to open view ; To all that come , that portrature she showes , And sighs she is not what she was whilere , This surrow'd face so full of Cris. crosse rowes , Was once ( quoth she ) such as you see it there : With that she leaues him gazing on hir picture , And makes to goe , she knowes not whereabout ; But what 's her meaning I cannot coniecture , Except she would her picture prostitute : And that it be more like her , and be lewd , While she absents hir selfe so like a bawd .
EPIGRAM. 20. To the Stationer . I Tell thee Stationer , why neuer feare , They 'l fell yfaith , and 't be but for their Title , Thou canst not lose , nay , I dare warrant cleare , They 'l get thee twenty nobles , not so little : Why reade this Epigram , or that , or any , Do they not make thee itch , & moue thy bloud ; Of all thou hast had ( and thou hast had many ) Hast e're read better nay , hast read so good ? Dost laugh ? they 'l make the rigidst Callo doe it ; Besides smooth verse , quaint phrase , come , what wilt giue ? No more but so : Ah! what shall I say to it ? I pitty Poetrie , but curse the time , When none will bid vs Reason for our Rime .
EPIGRAM. 21. Patruo suo colendist . Rich. Freem 〈◊〉 THese , and himselfe that sends you these , are yours , From whom he yeelds he had his chiefe proceeding , To whom he owes his best bestowed houres , And ( better then mans birth ) ingenuous breeding ; Though much against your mind he hath imployd That pretious iewell Time , to his great losse : Yet all you haue bestow'd is not destroy'd : There 's some gold o●e in this huge heape of drosse : So much , and such as 't is , accept , and saue it , If it were more , and better , you should haue it .
EPIGRAM. 22. Eidem . TO whom may I these times more truely send , Then vnto you , where they were bred & born , Should all forsake them , you , must be their friend , If good , your praise , if bad ( t' escape from scorne ) To Buckelers-bery ; or Tobacco-takers , Or Flax-wiues vent them , or neere home you may , To Tewkesbery amongst the Mustard-makers , Or fire them , or send them quite away : Your only sweet course for Virginia ship them , For by the Statute you are bound to keep them .
EPIGRAM 23. Consanguina● suo chariss . generosiss . W. Warmstry . WHo would you not in all abundant measure , The triple good of body , mind and fortune ; Eu'n those to whom you neuer yet did pleasure , How much more , I may such a wish importune : Who in good troth if but the troth were known ▪ In wishing your health , do but wish mine owne .
EPIGRAM. 24. In Swaggerum . SWagger , the onely Strike-fire of our time , Whose sword the Steele , whose fury is the flint , Well would this Caualier become my rime , But , O impatience I Sbloud put him not in 't : For if I doe , be sure hee 'l be my bane , Not Herc'les vsde the three-chopt Hel-hound so , As I shall be , if in his clutches ta'ne , Hee 'l teach the curre for barking any moe . Yet good sir Swagger , if I pen thy praise , Record thy valour , registring in it How many thou hast killed in thy dayes : All which I dare be sworne are liuing yet . If I shall say how thou becomst a terrour , A Bugge-beare to those Babie-hearted slaues , That know not how they grosely liue in errour , To thinke thee valiant only for thy braues . If I shall terme thee the Innes onely hackester , The Tauerns tyrant , like some cutting Dicke , To call the Oastler rogue , beknaue the Tapster , With , Fill 's another quarte , come villaine quicke . If I shall tell how thou mad'st Pickt-hatch smoke , And how without smoke thou wast fired there : If I shall tell how , when thy head was broke , Thou wouldst haue bin reuenged , but for feare . Thus if I praise-thee , say , shall I not please thee , Well , doe , or doe not , thus resolu'd I am , Swagger , thy words , thy oths shal not release thee , Be thou the subiect of this Epigram : Swagger thou maist , and sweare as thouart wont , Thou wilt not fight , I am assured on 't .
EPIGRAM. 25. In Quintium . IS 't not a wonder , Quintius should so dread , To see a Hare runne crossing in his way , The Sale fall t'wards him , or his Nose to bleed , Beginne a iourney vpon Disemores day ; Yet feares not things more ominous then these , But dares to drinke with him that hath the pox , And ligge with her that hath the like disease ; But what cares Quintius , so he ply the box ? So long to swill with him , to play with her , Till he be sure of the venereall murre .
EPIGRAM 26. In Malchaonem . IEalous Malchaeon thinkes his wife will doe it , And she , poore soule , to saue his soule , falls to it : Would eu'ry iealous man had such a wife , He should be sure , be sau'd by his beliefe .
EPIGRAM. 27. In duas meretricos litigantes . FRancke and Kate wage law , wherefore ! Because that Francis calld Kate whore ; Yet Kate is knowne , and Francis too , Wenches that will not sticke to doe : Faith Kate , let fall thy Action Law prooues it no detraction : I , him that weaues , a Weauer call , No vantage to be got at all : And how can Francke bee found too blame , That to thy trade so fits thy name .
EPIGRAM 28. In Salonum . OF● in the night Salonus is inclinde , To rise and pisse , and doth as oft break winde ; If 's Vrinall be glasse ▪ as 't is no doubt , I wonder it so many crackes holdes out .
EPIGRAM. 29. In Caium : Dantur opes nulla nunc nisi diuitibus . WHen Caius needed no mans amitie , He might haue beene beholding vnto many : But when he sought in his calamitie , He could not be beholding vnto any . Then eu'ry man his kindnesse gon recall , His friends forgat they euer knew the man , His kinsfolkes were to him no kin at all ; All scorn'd their quondam kind companion . A common case , and true it is we see , With seeming friends , how we shal be attended , The whilst our state stands happy , who but wee ? O how the fortunate shal be be friended ! But when soule fortune throws vs to the ground , Lo then they seeke occasion to be gone : To beate that dog a staffe is quickely found , Hang him ( say they ) we n'er knew such a one . Riches are onely giuen to the rich , And he that 's downe , shal still lie in the ditch .
EPIGRAM. 30. In Rusticum generosum . WHy hath our Age such new-found Gentles made , To giue the Master to the Farmers sonne , And bid , Good morrow Goodman to his Dad , Whence hath his brat those brauer titles wonne ? He that saw nothing but the seething pot , That n'er went further then Chimney corner , His father sonne ( so like him eu'ry iot , ) Why is he better then the elder Farmer ? Except , as said King Philip long agone ( Seeing his subiects honour Alexander ) Men giue more reuerence to the Rising Sunne , Then vnto that which to the West doth wander : So did the ●ace 〈◊〉 adore For Philips manhood , Alexanders●odhead ●odhead ; So may we set this sonne , his site before , And call the father , Clowne , the son a Gods-head .
EPIGRAM. 31. Shroueteusd●y . YOu belly-gods , behold your Bacchanals , The Calends of the Epicures are come , Bombast your guts vntill you breake your galls , Fat you with flesh ; to morrow't goes from home : Now lard your lips , and glut your greasie logs , You Hinxy-hinds , you Bul-biefe-bacon-hogs .
EPIGRAM 32. In Rufum legentem pracedens Epigr. RVfiu was reading the fore-going time , Early one morne when he was fresh & fasting ; O Lord , said he , for that thrice happy time ! Or that Shroueteusday might be euerlasting ! I lookt , and laught , and saw a wondrous matter , Eu'n as he wisht his mouth began to water .
EPIGRAM. 33. In Apparitores . CIte-sinne the Sumner is a sharking lad , He seemes to friend offenders by forbearance , Onely a tricke to trie what may be had ; If nothing , ware their Doomes-day of appearance ; They must come in , the Court commaunds it so , And pulls his Processe from his frighting powch , Shews to their names the terrible EXCO : This crowing Cocke makes country lions crowch , With 's Coramnomine keeping greater sway , Then a Court-Blew-coat on Saint Georges day .
EPIGRAM. 34. Lectori . IT will be thought to many , that I am , For some inuectiue vaines that I doe vse , Rather a Sa●yre then an Epigram , But who so thinkes mistakes my merry Muse : Who thogh she smite at first in th' end doth smile , And laugh at that she so dislikt erewhile .
EPIGRAM 35 Epitaphium meretricis . GRaues are gone on commonly we see , 'T is no offence to them that buried be : Why then this graue is for the common tread , And so was she too that therein lies dead .
EPIGRAM. 36. Quis cladem . MOre did not Dulake , nor Godfry of Bullen , Beuis of Hampton , nor Guy Erle of Warwicke , The Knight of the Sun , the three Kings of Cullen , Nor all the world twixt Douer and Barwicke , Nor any man , if his Cap made of woollen , At land , at sea , without Castle or Carricke : Feeders on mans flesh , bloud-suckers braue lacke Hath thum'd many thousands , and kil'd with a knacke .
EPIGRAM. 37. Lectori . WHoop , whoop , me thinkes I heare my Reader cry , Here is rime doggrell : I confesse it I ; Nor to a certaine pace tie I my Muse ; I giue the Reines , anon the Curbe I vse ; And for the foote accordingly I fit her , To diuerse matter vsing diuerse meeter , Her lines , they are as long as I allot her , As why not , vessels be as please the Potter , Nor care I for a Censors ciuill hood , I please my selfe , at home my Musicke 's good .
EPIGRAM. 38. MEn are growne monsters now at last , By their apparells alteration : Their knees are bigger then their waste , Else how came in the Cloake-bagge fashion ?
EPIGRAM. 39. In Heredipetam . AGed Leontus ha●h much land and wealth . And but one son , & that ●●me one so● sickly , Sickely to see his father in such health , My proper squier looks the church-books weekly ▪ Compares his fathers with his grandsires yeares , And how long all that lignage wont to liue , And yet his father ; O● and then he sweares To haue him winded , what would he not giue ? Fie on this sinne of sonnes , for not this one , But many thousands wish their fathers gone .
EPIGRAM. 40. Ad Risum . LAughter to thee that art mirths eldst-begot , My sportiue idlenesse I dedica●e ; Good shew thy tee●h , or if thou hast them not , Let 's ●●e bare gums , the 〈…〉 bare smiles I hate , To see ones lippes drawne in a direct line , Yawne me , and laugh , vntill thou fall to coughing , And on thy hip-bone lay that hand of thine , And sweare thy hart is almost broke with laughing , Your Pu●itanicke laugh I doe detest , And heare them say ; 't is pretty ▪ Hang your pretties ▪ Laugh till thou haue the Hickocke in thy chest , Else get , and sit , and laugh amongst the petties : Shall I speake plaine ? I do not care a●f . For ha ha hes that come not from the hart .
EPIGRAM. 41. Asinus ad Liram . IN merriment , I once vpon a time , Did make a Clowne acquainted with my rime : And gaue him leaue to turne a m●rry leafe , Although I knew , I sung to one was deafe : Yet how he , with blind eies , and iudgement blinder Could look and like ( for then asoole none kinder ) And laugh and draw his lips aside and smile , At that he vnderstood not all the while : Nay I dare sweare for ●ight conceiuing mee , His fathers horse had as much wit as hee .
EPIGRAM. 42. In Elizabetham . BEsse doth Act●onize her husbands Crowne , And trimming his head proues she trimmes her owne , And yet her head is still attir'd but badly , Besse , once , quoth I , I would the reason gladly , Mine owne ( quoth she ) do you not that descry , My Husbands mine , and that same head trimme I.
EPIGRAM. 43. In Fungum . FVngus the Vsurers dead , and no Will made , Whose are his goods ? they say no Heire he had , Sure I should thinke ( and so hath Law assign'd ) They are the deuils , for he 's next of kind .
EPIGRAM. 44. In Gulielm●m . WILL would haue Officers reforme well one fault , And punish seuerely transporting of Mault : Peace Will , there 's none can remedy the matter , It hath gone , and will go away , still by water .
EPIGRAM. 45. In Rollonem . ROllo hath made away a faire estate , Well seated Lord-ships , goodly Mannor places , And now they say he walkes a simple mate : Hee is no Ianus , hath not many faces , And yet he hopes and harpes vpon a string , And here 's his comfort : friends he hath in Court , By them hee 'l get some forfeits of the King ; Some Statute-breach , no matter whom it hurt , Or get some office , or perchance procure A Corporation for some petty Trade , Himselfe free on 't too , may he not ? yes sure If Beggars may a Company bee made , Or fooles , or mad-men , some rich charter get , There is some hope of Rollo's rising yet .
EPIGRAM. 46. In Sextinum . A Pretty blocke Sextinus names his hat , So much the fitter , for his head , by that .
EPIGRAM. 47. Encomion Cornubiea . I Loue thee Cornwall , and will euer , And hope to see thee once agen , For why thine equall knew I neuer , For honest minds and actiue men : Where true Religion better thriues : And GOD is worshipt with more zeale ; Where men will sooner spend their liues , To good their King , and Common-weale ; Where vertue is of most esteeme , And not for feare , but loue , embrac't : Where each mans conscience doth seeme To be a Law , and bind as fast : Where none doth more respect his purse , Then by his credite he doth set : Where Words and Bonds haue equall force , And promise is as good as debt . Where none enuies anothers state , Where men speake truth without an oath : And what is to be wondred at , Where men are rich , and honest both . Where 's strickt obseruance of the Lawes , And if there chance some little wrong , Good neighbours heare and end the cause , Not trust it toa Lawyers tongue . Where , as it seemes , by both consents , The Sea and Land such * * Ex piscatione , & stanni fodi●is . plenty brings , That Land-lords need not rack their rents , And Tenants liue like petty Kings . Where goodnesse soly is regarded , And vice and vicious men abhor'd : Where worth in meanest is rewarded : And to speake briefely in a word : I thinke not all the world againe , So neere resembles of Saturnes raigne .
EPIGRAM. 48. In laudem Pensanciae . WHat euer Markaiew pretends Vpon some musty old record , For Noblest hearts and truest-friends , Pensance shall euer haue my word : No little Towne of like account , On this side , nor beyond the Mount .
EPIGRAM. 49. In Hieracem . HIerax now a Hermite may become He dwels alone , and not a neighbor by him , Indeed there stood : but hee , for elbow roome , Demolisht quite the village that stood by him . Pox on his coine , that scuruy white and yellow , Haue made him * * Country prouerb . Bailife Acham , without fellow .
EPIGRAM. 50. In Caconum . CAconus thinkes his Dad doth do him wrong , To liue and keepe a way the land so long : Why , he hath liu'd these 80. yeares and odde , And yet he is not going towards GOD ; Hee 's neuer sicke , nor e're will bee , hee thinkes , With such an appetite hee eates and drinks : Sleepes soundly , walkes , and talkes with such a courage ▪ And sops his dish himselfe , and sups his porridge ; And lookes so buxsome , bonny , and so blithe , Not dreaming once of death , or Times sharpe sithe . His father ; why hee 'le be , ( hee 'l hold a Testor ) Some nine-liu'd Cat , at least , some three-liu'd Nestor . His soule , she needs no transmigration dout , Shee hath a body will so long hold out . An Heire : why if the sates thus still deferre it , Impossible to liue for to inherite . I thinke in very troth ( if troth were knowne ) Hee would his fathers death , and feares his owne . A habite now a daies in sonne● soone gotten , Scarce ●ipe they wish their Parent : dead and rotten .
EPIGRAM. 51. In Brusorem . BRusor , is growne to be a man of wealth Onely by knauery , cozenage , and steal●h . As all men know , yet none dare say so much , For now he 's honest , why ; because he 's rich ?
EPIGRAM. 52. His d●fiance to Fortune . HEnce cares , I will none of your wrinkled surrowes , Before my time , to make mee to looke old ; I le not submit my yonger yeares to sorrowes , No sullen-sadnesse shall of mee take hold : And though the ragged hand of fortune shake mee , As that my neerest kindred will not know mee , And all my old acquaintance quite forsake mee , And whilome friends no friendship now will show mee , Though cruell chance doth rack me with that rigour , Would make almost the stoutest fall to stouping , Yet shall my heart retaine her wonted vigour , And this my Muse shall keepe my minde from drouping : Perhaps I 'le triumph too , and make lowd boast , How Fooles haue fortune , and braue men are ●rost .
EPIGRAM. 53. In Medicastrum . ONce , and but once , in my most grieuous sickenesse , I sought by Physicke to support my weakeness●● And got mee vnto no great learned man , No Galeuist not Paraculsian : One that had read an English booke or two , Yet what durst hee not vndertake to do ? Hee tooke in hand , the Vrinall I brought him , And told me what some Almanacke had taught him , Surueid my water , gaue mee such an answere ▪ As well I wot show'd but a simple censure : In fine ; I found in him no other matter , But I to cast my money , hee my water ; And I returned poorer in my purse , But sicke in body , as before , or worse .
EPIGRAM. 54. In Iohannem . IAcks once curl'd Scalpe , is now but skin and bone , There 's not a haire awry for there is none : And call it by what name you list to vse , Or Scalde or Balde , there 's not a haire to chuse .
EPIGRAM. 55. Et dare ●utoricaleous ista potest . O Let me laugh before I tell you how , Old Miso's sonne is growne a Caualier , Become a flat Recusant to the Plow : Hang 't , he a drudge , and bee his fathers Heire , Nay , such a one's Leifetenant of the Shire , And 't shall go hard but he will weare his cloth : Or he 'le serue him that shal be Shriefe next yeare , Not for the world will he liue as he doth , He ' le shake of that same home-made russet su●e , And booke his father but hee will haue better , Whose name hee knowes sufficient to do 't : The Mercers glad too of so good a detter . Loe in a Blew-Coate , or a Liuery Cloake , Who swaggers it , but good sir Clunian ; His hands behind him , or in either poke Hee 's eu'ry Gentlemans companion : When by his leaue , in good time bee it said , And Ape 's an Ape , how trimme so ere aray'd .
EPIGRAM. 56. In Grobenduck . Animum gerit is muliebrem . SIr Grobenduck i' th house is better skil'd , Then with his seruants working in the field ; Hee markes the maids , and what they haue to do , To wash in Sope , to Bucke , to Bake , to Brew , M●lke , and make Cheese , Churn● Butter , Spin , and Card : To call the Pigs and Poultry i● the yard , Grope Hens and Ducks : ●'th house what longs vnto it O● he see 's done , or he himselfe doth do it , And but for wearing long-coates , like in all To the Assirian Sardan ●pall : This Woman-man , this House-Hermophrod●te , Doth liue nor like a Lady , nor a Knight .
EPIGRAM. 57. In Prodigum . POore Prodigus brags wheresoere he comes How much hee hath consumed in his daies : How many hundred pounds , no lesser summes : Think'st Prodigus this can be for thy praise , Thou , whose decline can neuer be redeemed Of friends , of fortunes , eu'ry way defac'st , An Irus now , though Crassus late esteem'd : Think'st thou the world takes notice what thou wast ! No , no , thou shalt be ballanc'st as thou art , Mens minds are metamorphoz'd with thy meanes , And want can alienate the truest heart , And: Loe , ( saith some one ) how on vs hee leaues , Perh p●●hee thinks that wee will beare him out : Hee sayes it too , perchance , that cost thee much : The whilst thou bragst thou hast not spar'd to do 't , For him ere now , and twenty other such : When none but fooles would boast the bankrout ioy Of Once wee flourisht ; wee haue beene of Troy .
EPIGRAM. 58. Sine sanguine & sudore . RAfe challeng'd Robin , time and place appointed , Their parents hard on 't , Lord how they lamented , But , God be thankt , they were soone free'd of feare , The one ne're meant , the other came not there .
EPIGRAM. 59. In L●●●●ettam . LAuretta is laid o're , how I le not say , And yet I thinke two manner of waies I may , Doubly laid or'e , videlicet , her face Laid or'e with colours , and her coate with lace .
EPIGRAM. 60. Cur Vulcanus non Planeta . WHy is not Vulcan , many times I wonder , Amongst the seuen Celestiall Planets one : He that made loue the Gyant-quelling Thunder , When he kept shop within the Torrid * * allem , quam Aetn● ▪ cunque fabul●r Poetae . Zone ? Why not as well as Mars the God of strife ? Or Saturne he that lookes so dull and dunne ? Why not as Mercury that cunning Theefe , Or that prospectiue-glasse-ei'd God the Sunne ? I wonder why not rather then his wife ? Or changing Moone ( and one as ho●n'd as hee ? ) I cannot find the reason for my life , Except ( and that may chance some reason bee ) Because a fellow of no Influence : Bad in Coniunction , worser in Aspect , And therefore Mars got the preheminence , For he suppli'd , where Vulcan made defect : Besides his polt-foot ; all these might fore-token Hee should no Planet be , but Planet-stroken ▪
EPIGRAM. 61. In Vopiscum . A Changling , no ; Vopiscus scornes to doo 't Nor bee a shifter , still he 's in one sute : Yet ●or his Constancy , let none deride him , For by his cloathes he seemeth semper idem : Perchance Religious , and I should aread , Some Capuchin by wearing still one Weed .
EPIGRAM. 62. In Puritanum . Who 's that incountred vs but euen now , With such a leuell and Religious a looke ? So graue and supercilious a brow With such spruce gate , as if he went by 'th booke , His cloake ( not swaggring ) handsomly , he wore His head and beard short cut his little tuffe , His double● fit ●or's belly , and no more , With seemely hose made of the selfe-same stuffe ; In all , how nea●ly , and not nicely trimme : Nay , and ( me though● ) his words as well he plac'd , Saluting vs when we saluted him , As e're I heard , I pre thee say , who wa st ? Know you no● him sir ? 't is a Puritan , Trust me , I tooke him for an honest man .
EPIGRAM. 63. Morum amorum , amicorum candidissimo cordatissimo , suo , Magistro Iohanni Smith Oxon. WHat shall I say ? but what I must say still , Let any Cymcke with a light goe seeke , At night , at noone-day , at what time he will , He may looke long , and misse to finde thy like : For a free spirit that breathes more sincerely , In harmelesse sport , and mirth with innocence , That loues his friend more truly , more entirely , Speakes honest English without complements : The womb that bare thee , bare thee not a brother , For ● such sons could not come from one mother .
EPIGRAM 64. Of Spencers Faiery Queene . VIrgil from Homer , th' I●alian from him , Spenser from all , and all of these I weene , Were borne when Helicon was full to th' brim , Witnes their works , witnes our Faiery Queene : That lasting monument of Sp●nsers wit , Was n'er come neare to , much lesse equal'd yet .
EPIGRAM. 65. In Phaedram . NOw by her troth she hath bin , Phadra sayes , At a play farre better edified , Then at a Sermon euer in her dayes ; Phaedra ▪ 't is true , it cannot be denied : For Stage-plays thou hast giuen eare to many , But Sermons Phaedra neuer heardst thou any .
EPIGRAM. 66. In Caeliam . NO , hang me Calia , if I 'l be thy guest , We scarce begin to eate , but thou to chide ; This Goose is raw , that Capon is ill drest , And blamst the Cooke , and throwest the meate aside : When we sit iudging , that would rather eate , No fault o' th Cooks , 't is thou wouldst saue thy meate .
EPIGRAM. 67. Typographo . PRinter , that art the Midwife to my muse , To bring to light what is vnworthy light , Let me intreate thee leaue thy wonted vse , Print not at all , or print my booke aright : Trouble not thou the Reader to goe see Faults escap'd in the Impression , Too much already is transgrest by me , Augment it not in thy profession ; But where thou seest my imperfections wants , The Sense scarse seeming intelligible , Giue me the fairest Characters thou canst , It is thy grace it goe foorth legible : They that peruse , wil praise it for the print , If for no other goodnesse they see in 't .
EPIGRAM 68. In Lucam . LVke sayes , Let Gallants gallant howsoe're , They are but like the Moone , and he the Sun ; For eu'ry month a new sute they doe weare , When a whole twelue month he is still in one : T' would make you laugh , if you the reason knew , He hath nor meanes , nor mony , to buy new .
EPIGRAM. 69. Ad Sam. Danielem , vt ciuile bellum perficiat . I See not ( Daniel ) why thou should'st disdaine , Aetas prima canat veneres postrema tumultus : Master Daniels Mot● prefixed to most of his Workes . If I vouchsafe thy name amongst my mirth ; Thy Aetas prima was a merry vaine , Though later Muse tumultuous in her birth : Know , here I praise thee as thou wast in youth ; Venereous , not mutinous as now ; Thy Infancie I loue , admire thy growth , And wonder to what excellence 't will grow : When thou shalt end the broils thou hast begun , Which none shall do , if thou shalt leaue vndone .
EPIGRAM. 70. In Aemiliam . AEMilia tooke her husband in a trippe , Aduenturing his ware in a strange shippe ; Poore soule , she could no lesse , she chaft , and child him ; But for she did no more , there she vndid him : For now hee 's sawcie , and there 's little oddes , Betwixt him and that Pagan-king of gods : And cares no more then Ioue when Iuno spide him , For now he knowes the worst , she will but chide him .
EPIGRAM. 71. In Moscam . WHile Mosca's teeth in eu'n ranks faire stood , Her nose could neuer giue her chin the meeting , Where now regarding not how neare in blood , Th' are seene with shame , incestuously greeting : Or it may be her chin's like a Salt pit , And Pigeon-like her nose lies pecking it . Amant loca salsa colum●ae .
EPIGRAM. 72. In Sotonem . SOto , a country Iustice , at each Session Speakes more then all the Bench , doth neuer cease , 'T is contrary to his profession , Or if a Iustice , surely none o' th Peace .
EPIGRAM. 73. In Cleon. TI● one of Cloes qualities , That euer when she sweares , she lies : Dost loue me Cloe ? sweare not so , For when thou swear'st , thou liest I know ▪ Dost hate me Cloe ? pre thee sweare , For then I know thou lou'st me deare .
EPIGRAM. 74. In Owenni Epigrammata . OWen , not to vse flattery ( as they That ●une mens praises in too high a kay ) Thus far , in troth , I thinke I may commend thee , The Latines al ( saue one ) must come behind thee , Adde yet one little , but a louely fault , Thou hast : too little gall , Semper excipio 〈◊〉 . but full of salt .
EPIGRAM 75. In Thuscum . THuscus doth vaunt be hath an Ouid● vaine , That for my eu'ry one verse hee 'l make twain ; Licke he like * * Vide Virgilij vitam . Virgil too , I doe not doubt , For lacke of liking , hee 'l licke all his out .
EPIGRAM. 76. In eundem . THuscus writes faire , without blurre or blot , The rascall'st rimes , were euer read , God wot ; No maruell : many with a Swans quill write , That can but with a Gooses wit endite .
EPIGRAM. 77. Quid non ebrietas ? APe-drunkards they are merry , Lion-drunkards mad , Fox-drunkards cheat , Swine-drunkards lie and spew ▪ Goat-drunkards lust , and these , and more as bad , Beasts attributes to men by drinking grew : Yea this same sin when it dis●igures least , Deformes a man , and makes him but a beast .
EPIGRAM. 78. In Carentium . CArentius might haue wedded where he wood , But he was poore , his meanes were nothing good ▪ 'T was but for lacke of liuing that he lost her , For why , no penny now , no Pater noster .
EPIGRAM. 79. In Leucam . LEucas doth think 't would countenance 〈◊〉 To dedicate it to a Puritan , With some more solemne title set to it , A●d a faire Preface to that holy man . Tu●● Leucas , so my Booke , by such a 〈◊〉 Might be accounted a dissemble● too ▪ A 〈…〉 with an outward ●ecke ; Why that is all the Puritan can doe ; Nay , let him with a penny-father f●c● O're-vaile his shame , and vizardize his sinne , When none performeth fruits of lesser grace : My times , such as they are , shall such be seene ; Their very title shall instruct men rather , Grapes vpon ther●s how hopelesse 't is to gather .
EPIGRAM. 80. I Haue some Kinsfolke rich , but passing prowd , I haue some friends , but poore and passing willing , The first would gladly see me in my shrowd , Which in the last would cause the tears distilling : Now which of these loue I ? so God me mend , Not a rich Kinseman , but a willing Friend .
EPIGRAM. 81. CRispus could helpe me if he would , Charus would helpe me if he could ; Would Crispus Charus mind did beare , Or Charus but as wealthy were .
EPIGRAM. 82. In Tiburn . TIburne is a Wrastler , yet can nor leg , nor trip , But play at collars , and 't is ods she throws you with a slip .
EPIGRAM. 83. In lactantem Poetastrum . ONe told me once of Verses that he made Riding to London on a trotting iade ; I should haue knowne , had he conceal'd the case Eu'n by his Verses , of his horses pase .
EPIGRAM. 84. To Iohn Dunne . THe Storme describ'd , hath set thy name a floate , Thy Calme , a gale of famous winde hath got : Thy Satyres short , too soone we them o'relooke , I pre thee Persiu● write a bigger booke .
EPIGRAM. 85. In Gallam & Gelliam . IF Galla frowne , is Gellia disdainefull ? Sure like the tradesmen of som towne they are , Who for to make their merchandise more gainfull , Do pitch a common price on all their ware : And why not Galla and her fellow iade , Vse common tricks too in their common trade .
EPIGRAM. 86. In Thuscum . THuscu● , print not thy Epigrams , for men wil see Th' hast suckt , nor with the Spider , nor the Bee ; Hony , nor Poison : not a droppe of a Gall , There 's not a corne of Salt among them all , Thy wit hath beene an honest Innocent , A Naturall , a Iohn-Indifferent : Nay more , ( to speake comparatiuely sportfull ) A Iohn in Porrige , neither good , nor hurtfull .
EPIGRAM. 87. To George Chapman . GEorge , it is thy Genius innated , Thou pick'st not flowers from anothers field , Stolne Similies or Sentences translated , Nor seekest , but what thine owne soile doth yield : Let barren wits go borrow what to write , 'T is bred and borne with thee what thou inditest , And our Comedians thou out-strippest quite , And all the Hearers more then all delightest , Wi●h v●●ffected Stile and sweetest Straine , Thy in-ambitious Pen keeps on her pace , And commeth near'st the ancient Commicke vaine , Thou hast beguilde vs all of that sweet grace : And were Thalia to be sold and bought , No Chapman but thy selfe were to be sought .
EPIGRAM. 88. In Milonem . HEre 's Milo to be seene with a strange goose , Not such as in the Stubble's wont to lagge , Nor such as Tailers in their trade doe vse , His is more costly , well may Milo bragge : Besides , it came from Winchester : O rare ! Far got , deare bought , but no good Lady ware .
EPIGRAM. 89. In Hodge . HOdge sees men shun him , & doth wonder why , They know ( qd●he ) my breath wil not infect them ▪ I neuer had the pox , nor plague yet , I ; These who so haue , men worthily reiect them : Hodge , thou hast pouerty , a worse disease , Then pox , or plague , or twenty worse then these .
EPIGRAM. 90. In Lucam . AS Harts their horns , as Serpents cast their skins , Luke leaues his old faults , and a fresh begins .
EPIGRAM. 91. In Elizabetham . WE say th' Ibertans Belgia do oppresse , But 't is the French , if we be iudg'd by Besse : Who knowes , where i' th low-countries ( would she blab ) They made hot wars , and bred , and left a scab .
EPIGRAM. 92. To Master W: : Shakespeare . SHakespeare , that nimble Mercury thy braine , Lulls many hundred Argus-eyes asleepe , So fit , for all thou fashionest thy vaine , At th' horse-foote fountaine thou hast drunk full deepe , Vertues or vices theame to thee all one is : Who loues chaste life , there 's Lucrece for a Teacher : Who list read lust there 's Venus and Adon●s , True modell of a most lasciuious leatcher . Besides in plaies thy wit windes like Meander : When needy new-composers borrow more Thence Terence doth from Plautus or Menander . But to praise thee aright I want thy store : Then let thine owne works thine owne worth vpraise , And help t' adorne thee with deserued Baies .
EPIGRAM. 93. To his worthy friend Maister Heywood , of his Gold and Siluer Age. SO wrote the ancient Poets heeretofore , So hast thou liuely furnished the stage , Both with the golden , and the siluer age , Yet thou , as they , dost but discourse of store , Siluer and gold is common to you● Poet , To haue it , no ; enough for him to know it .
EPIGRAM. 94. TWo Gallants in a ba●dy house once fought Who first should be possessour of the prey , The stronger man by force won what he sought , Yet got he not the glory of the day : For sure in my opinion I held , The man that lost was he that wonne the field .
EPIGRAM. 95. In Aegyptum suspensum . CHarles th' Aegyptian , who by iugling could , Make fast or loose , or whatso'ere he would , Surely it seem'd hee was not his crafts-maister Striuing to loose , what struggling he made faster , The hangman was more cunning of the twaine , Who knit , what he could not vnknit againe . You Country-men Aegyptians make such sots , Seeming to loose indissoluble knots ; Had you beene there , ●he Egyptians ●rase . and but to see the Cast , You should haue won had you but laid : 'T is fast .
EPIGRAM. 96. Of Tho. Nash. NAsh had Lycambes on earth liuing beene The time thou wast , his death had bin al one , Had he but mou'd thy tartest Muse to spleene , Vnto the forke he had as surely gone : For why there liued not that man I thinke , V●●e better , or more bitter g●ll in Inke . Ore Lycambi●ae● rabioso occiderit ambas Archilochus . Quia patr●m & filiam furce . Auson : Carminibus adegit .
EPIGRAM. 97. Cencri Thomae B●ugh , qui dum ambit & amittit Rectoriam , S. Sepulchr , moriens , ibi Sepulchrum inuenit . STellified Baugh , St. pulchers much mistooke That tooke thee not , as worthy as another , And knew'st as well 〈◊〉 the seuen-seal'd Booke , And bring them sweet Milk from the Church their Mother , But they reiected thee as Berea Paul . For which thy blessed soule shook● off her dust , And let her fraile corruption mongest them fall , And now shee sings and Saints it with the iust : Now heauen her to a happier place prefer'th , Then to be Saint Sepulchred here in earth .
EPIGRAM. 98. Aliud . TO loose by Fortune , and to win by Fate , Such was the case of learned Baugh of late ; He sought S. Pulchers ; where ( though not his lot To haue S. Pulchers ) yet a graue he got .
EPIGRAM. 99. Fata Epigrammat●r I Wish not with ambitious desires These lines eternity , no I do not , Nor yet to liue the nine liues of a Cat : For few and none but those blest heau'n inspires , Are like to liue vnto another age ; Our former Writers , wee count barbarous , Succeeding times may do as much for vs ; And then shal we be throwen off the Stage , Yea eu'n the best ; much lesse these idle toyes May they hope life ; but like th' abortiue birth No sooner borne but dead , so this my mirth : Or at the most some Tearme , or two , inioyes . Epigram's like the stuffs your Gallants weare , Hardly hold fashion aboue halfe a yeare .
EPIGRAM. 100. Conclusio . HEywood wrote Epigrams , so did Dauis , Reader thou doubst , vtram horum mauis , But vnto mine whose vaine is no better Thou wilt not subscribe , Relegetur , ametur : Yet be it knowe though thou do not heed vs , I am , Mihi domi placens citharaedus , Although in thy good will I should rather glory , To haue thy good word Suffragari labori . Thus carefull of loue , carelesse if thou hate vs , I rest I protest , in vtramque paratus . Th. Fr. Martial . Terceatena quidem po●eras Epigrammmata firre Sed quis te ●erret perlegere●ve , liber . FINIS
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