The Hollander Glapthorne, Henry This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A01773 of text S103204 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 11909). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Hannah Bredar Lydia Zoells This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A01773.xml The Hollander. A comedy written 1635. The author Henry Glapthorne. And now printed as it was then acted at the Cock-pit in Drury lane, by their Majesties Servants, with good allowance. And at the court before both their Majesties. Glapthorne, Henry. 36 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2003 September (TCP phase 1) 99838961 STC (2nd ed.) 11909. Greg, II, 594. 3354 A01773 2240864523

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 The Hollander. A comedy written 1635. The author Henry Glapthorne. And now printed as it was then acted at the Cock-pit in Drury lane, by their Majesties Servants, with good allowance. And at the court before both their Majesties. Glapthorne, Henry. [72] p. Printed by I. Okes, for A. Wilson, and are to be sold at her shop at Grayes-Inne Gate in Holborne, London : 1640. 1640

Partly in verse.

Signatures: A-I4.

The first leaf is blank.

Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery.

 A01773 shc The Hollander Glapthorne, Henry Hannah Bredar Lydia Zoells 1636 play comedy shc no A01773 S103204 (STC 11909). 72 25419 0 0 0 1 0 0 0.39 B The rate of 0.39 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago

THE HOLLANDER .

A Comedy written 1635 .

The Author HENRY GLAPTHORNE .

And now Printed as it was then Acted at the Cock-pit in Drury lane , by their Majesties Servants , with good allowance .

And at the Court before both their Majesties .

LONDON : Printed by I. Okes , for A. Wilson , and are to be sold at her shop at Grayes-Inne Gate in Holborne . 1640 .

The Persons in the Play . Artlesse , a Doctor of Physicke . Vrinal , his man . Mixum , his Apothecary . Freewit , a yong Gentleman , and a Sutor to the Lady Know-worth . Sir Martin Yellow , a jealous Knight . Popingay , his Nephew . Fortresse , a Knight of the Twibill . Sconce , a Gallant nuturaliz'd Dutchman . Captayne Picke . Lady Yellow . Mistrisse Know-worth , her sister . Mistresse Mixum . Dalinea , the Doctors daughter . Lovering , a Chamber-maid disguised . The Scene London .
To the great hope of growing noblenesse , my Honourable friend , Sir Thomas Fisher , Knight , &c. Sir ,

THe knowledge of your stil increasing virtue has begot in all men love , in me admiration , and desires to serve it : as cunning Painters expresse more significant Art in modell , then extended figures , I have made election of this little of spring of my braine , to show you the largest skill of my many indearments to you ; and as an Ambassadour from the rest of my faculties , to informe you how much devotion the whole province of my Soule payes to your worth and goodnes . Had I bin endow'd with such blessings , ( noble young man ) I should have presented you a wel-mand Hawke , or an excellent Courier , gifts ( because more agreeable to your Disposition ) more fit to have bin tendred you : But I am confident you know that a Booke ( as it is my best inheritance ) is the most magnificent sacrifice my zeale can offer : this Play therefore accept , best Sir , from him who is nothing more ambitious then of the title of

your true servant and honourer , Hen. Glapthorne ,
The Hollander .
Actus primus . Scena prima . Doctor and his Wife . Doctor . HOw doe these new Guests like us ? Mrs. Very well : That fortnight they 've beene here , I have observ'd From them not the least relish of distaste ; The Lady and her sister are so good Themselves , their innocence cannot mistrust Ill in another , specially in us , Who doe assume that formall gravity Might dash prying eyes : But is the sister Cur'd of her Ague perfectly ? Doct. The Spring Does not produce an Ague but for Physicke , She 's cur'd , and onely does expect her sister , The Lady Yellow , otherwise I feare We should not have her company . Mris. Green-Sicknesse take her , I thought it had beene that , and then my Art Would have beene requisite . I should have found Some lusty youth that would have given her physicke , More powerfull to expell that lasie humour Than all your Cordialls : Heaven , I can but thinke How in this seven yeares , since we came to towne , The Tide is turnd with us : when thou wert an Inne - Keeping Apothecary in the Country , The furniture of our shop was Gally-pots , Fild with Conserve of Roses , empty Boxes , And Aqua vitae glasses : and now thou art My most admir'd Doctor , walk'st in Sattin , And in plush , my heart . Doct. Applaud my wit that has effected it . Mris. You will grant I hope An equall share to me ? Was it not I That first advis'd you to set up a Schoole For Female vaulters , and within pretence Of giving Physicke , give them an over-plus To their disease . How much this has conduc'd To our advancement , forgetfulnesse it selfe Cannot deny . Doct. Nor will I , my deare associate , I have now Atchiev'd a wealth sufficient to procure My selfe a license , though the murmuring Doctors That doe not bite-backe it , though they watch All opportunities that may undoe My estimation : we must therefore arme Our selves with circumspective care : be sure Those vertuous gentle women , who are now Domesticke guests , have no cause to suspect A misdemeanour here , nor that , our daughter , A virgine could as morning ayre or Ice . So timerous of society , that shee seemes Neglectfull of mankind , be expos'd to every common eye , Frequents our house , we must be politicke , wise , or our state , Will soone embrace a ruine . Enter Vrinall . Vrin. Are you the Doctor Artlesse pray sir ? Doct. My name is Artlesse Vrin.

Sir , I am sent from Mr. Mixum , your Apothecary , to give attendance on you .

Doct.

Your name is Vrinall , I take it ?

Vrin.

you take my name by the right end sir , my father was a brother of master Mixum's function : marry my mother told me a Doctor got me , for professions sake I hope you 'l use me kindly .

Doct.

Doubt not good Vrinall , if thou beest not crack'd canst thou hold water .

Mist.

Well , that is , bee secret , insooth husband , the young man will be very good at a dead lift , to serve our patients turnes , he has a promising countenance .

Vrin.

A good subsidy face mistris , but master Mixum has certified me , that hither come Ladies and gentlewomen , City wives and country wives , and the better sort of saylors wives : Nay wives of all sorts , but Oyster wives , some to have the falling sicknesse cur'd , others the inflammation of the blood , the Consumption of the body and lungs ; if I doe not to any man or woman administer a glister , vomit , potion , Iulip , Cordiall , or what physicke your worship shall thinke fit , with dexterity , say I am no sound Vrinall , and beat me to pieces .

Doct.

I believe thee , but did Tom Mixum give you nought in charge to say to me ?

Vrin.

O yes sir , hee had mee tell you hee had a fat Goose in the pens , only for your pulling : a yunker of a thousand pound per annum .

Doct.

Sayst so , what is he ; knowest thou ?

Vrin.

I saw him sir , he was a proper man : but I thinke has not much more wit then my selfe , he seemes of a good sane disposition , and may I believe , be led by the nose as quietly as the tamest Beare in the garden : he has not wit enough to be a knave , nor manhood enough to be an honest man : this is my opinion of him sir , when you see him you 'l understand him better .

Enter Popingaie , Sir Martine Yellow as his man Pop. With licences , is not this house a receiptacle For sinners ? Doct.

Now you are in 't perhaps it is , what meane you ?

Pop.

Pish , seeme not to obscure , is it not in plaine termes , a house of ease .

Doct. There is one in the garden sir . Pop. Where one may do his businesse without fear of Marshall , Constable , or any one of that most awfull tribe . Vrin.

Surely this gentleman comes to take a purge , hee talkes so cleanely .

Pop. Shall I have answer sir ? I come as hot from sea , as a Hollander from herring fishing , I have an appetite , The most insatiate citizen who frequents Your mansion cannot tame ; had she beene fed With amber possets , eaten sparrowes egges , or her accustom'd Bevendy , been the juice of Clare or Sparagus . Doct. What abuse may this be ? Perhaps your most officious pander monsieur That for a shilling will betray his sister to prostitution ; did mistake , be gone , or I shall Fetch a gentleman will whip your hot blood out of you . Vrin. Shall I runne for the Beadles mistris ? Mist.

No goe to the next Justice for a warrant , and make haste , be sure I le have the knave smoak'd for abusing my house .

Pop. This must not fright me , doe you not keepe a pimping Roaring varlet noted as much as pig , have you not constant She souldiers in your citadell , none such , Had Hollands Leager , Lambeth Marsh is held A Nunry to your Colledge . Virn. And the three Squirrels in the towne ; I warrant a very Sanctuary to it . Pop. Come here 's gold , be not so bashful , Mistris pray receive it , I know you are open handed . Mist. Art .

Now I desie thee for a Rascalls Vrinall why run you not to the Justice , his man would have taken your money ere this time .

Pop. Yet least I should mistake you , though I am by all Truth confident this is the house : pray resolve me ; Has the Lady Yellow a chamber here ? Vrin.

Yes sir , she lies in the yellow chamber , and has done this two months .

Pop.

I did believe it .

Vrin.

Nay you may believe mee if you will : I know neither Lady Yellow , nor yellow chamber , I have not beene here above halfe an houre .

Doct. Tom Mixum ,

Sure sent this fellow hither , he 's so unmannerly , silence Vrinall , what if that Lady have a chamber here sir ?

Sir Mart.

Now he comes to the purpose .

Pop.

Nay speake directly suppositions : include a doubtfull sence , if she have not , I shall repent the error of my language and crave your mercy .

Doct. Impudence I thinke , beyond my own rests in this youth , I must finde out his meaning ; t is perchance some one Sent from her jealous husband , whom she told me , In discontent was travel'd prithee wife goe in , and tell the Lady Yellow , here is one wishes the knowledge of her . Mrs. Art .

Hang him young whisling , he know a Lady , pity of his life first .

Doct.

Doe as I bid you : Vrinall attend your mistris in .

Vrin. Yes , I will attend her in and in too , to do her any service . Exeunt Vrinall , and Mistris . Doct. Sir , the uncivill language you have given me , Might justly stirre a passionate man to rage ; But it no more stirs me then the light wind , If you 've relation to the Lady Yellow : She 's one whose vertues merit that respect , T would be a staine to manners not to use the meanest of her Friends with due regard : pray sir what is she to you ? Pop.

As any woman else is for my money , onely I must confesse , I have an itch , a tickling thought to her before the rest of common prostitutes : I know she 'l lodge in none but vitious houses , which inforces me thinke yours is so .

Doct. T is a misconceit , I me sorry for her sake ( whom I esteem So chast , the pure untainted Doves may envy Her unstain'd whitenesse ) should be cast upon My innocent house , expect I le send her to you , shee 'l shape you a Just answer , would she were as they suspect her . Ex. Doct. Sir Mar. This Doctor is dishonest , speakes untruth , My jealousie is just , that any man Should so undoe his reason ; in beliefe Of womens goodnesse , as on their loose soules , To venture his creation ; nay transforme His essence by them : for a cuckold is Natures huge prodigy , the very abstract Of all , that is wonderfull : contempt and shame , are accidents as Proper to his brow , as baire and whitenesse . Enter Lady Yellow . Pop. Is this she sir ? Sir Mar. I nephew that 's the monster . Pop. If Africke did produce no other monsters , there would Be more cuckold in it then Lyons , but to my businesse , Madam the old tradition of this house invites your Knowledge to conceive for what I sent to speake with you . Lady . As yet indeed it does not . Pop. Truely it does , I hope I shall obtaine The virgine glories of this daies encounter , Come shall s kisse , and then retire into your chamber . Lady .

My chamber , sure your manners lies in your berd , what doe you take me for ?

Pop. An excellent creature ; one whose meanest smile Would tempt a votary earnest at his prayers , Before the image of his tutelar Saint ; to vary his Fix'd brow : yet I must tell you , you are a factresse of the Divells , one who fell damnation pleasingly as Asps Infuse their itching venum : a standing poole , On whose salt wombe the too lascivious sun Begets of Frogs and Toads a numerous off-spring . Compar'd with you is empty of corruption . Lady . is t so have at him , a strange complement to win a Lady , Sir by your first discourse I had imagin'd You came to spend part of this cheerefull morne In amorous dalliance with me , I am apt For entertainement of it , as a bride Long time contracted to some exquisite man Is on her wedding night , but your quicke change , ( Did not my glasse assure me ) no great blemish Dwels in my cheekes , would urge me to mistrust An imperfection in them : they are my owne sir , I doe not weare ( though it s common among Ladies ) My face i th day-time only , and at night Put off the painted visor , this haire believe it , Was never shop-ware , you may venture on me , let but your Creature keepe the doore , my chamber is empty for you . Sir . Mar. Impudent strumper . Pop. Can you be a woman , & utter this , the hot desire of quailes , To yours is modest appetite , you carry A stone about you , not to warme your blood Oppress'd with chilly cold , but to enflame it Beyond all sensuall heat , which you would extinguish , ( Had you a soule about you ) with your teares , Or weepe with the continuance that tall Pines Diffuse their gummy drops in summer , and Faster then trembling Isicles , or snow , at their own dissolution . Lady . This is stranger yet sir , I see you come to convert mee Prompted with a zeale would choake ten precisians earnest in Their hot house of convention , alasse poore youth thy want Of practice in the sweet delights of love , Undoes thy judgement , can there be a joy Equall to this to have a sprightfull Lady , Whose every lineament speakes captivity To the beholder , claspe with the same strictnesse That curling billows doe embrace a wracke , Her lovers necke , kisse close , and soft , as mosse Does some oregrowne Oake ; but I see t is vaine , To prate to thee whose ignorance may plead Excuse for thy fond heresie ; goe depart , Turne Eunuch and reserve thy voyce , perhaps I will purchase thee A petty Cannons place in some blinde chantry . Enter Doctor and Dalince . Doct.

I le cut off their discourse , if thee be right ile have my benefit out of her : Dalinea attend her Ladyship , Madam I feare you take cold here , your Sister , Mistris Know-worth expects you too within ; Gentlewoman you cannot complaine you have been us'd uncivilly ; pray now depart , t is time .

Lady .

They may returne to the wise man my husband , from whom I 'm sure they come , and tell him my disposition , ha , ha , ha .

Exeunt Lady , and Dalinea . Sir Mart. Flames rise on flames successively , the spheare Has no such fire as I doe harbour here . Pop. What divine creature should the other be , well master Doctor , we shall be even with you . Exe. Sir Mart. Pop. Doct. I , doe your pleasure sir , the small Riveret Does in its cold waves , seeme to drench the sun ( When liks a riotous drunkard ) his hot rayes Suckes up the pearly waters , if this Lady We are in her brest , the burning spots of lust , They shall encrease , and like the Starres , light her soule To th' firmament of pleasure . The businesse sirrha ? Enter Vrinall and Sconce . Vrin. The businesse sirha , he 's gotten into th' Lordly phrase Already , Sir the gentleman I speake off ? Doct.

Is this he ? would you have ought with me sir ?

Scon.

Amon Deui , this is the Doctor : Foutra I would faine speake to him , Sir I should bee happy to initiate my knowledge in your acquaintance Master Mixum an Apothecary , at whose shop I use to eate Eringo Roots , did recommend me to you .

Doct.

Honest Tom Mixum , you are welcome ; what 's your designe with me ?

Scon.

Fame does divulge you to be a man experienc'd in the Arts .

Vrin. Of cousenage and lying excellently . Scon. Which does concerne our bodily health . Doct. And you perhaps labor of some disease , And come to seeke for remedy , I can As Gallen or Hipocrates , read a lecture , On maladies , their causes and effects , Tell by the countenance of a man , the ill oppresses him , You by that Linea curva i th' altitude of your horoscope , Should be subject to Calentures . Scon.

Neen up mine seale min here : ick neet , infection vanish I never was subject to disease , but the gentile itch which I obtaind in the Low Countries .

Vrin.

I was in hot service certainely .

Doct.

With licence sir , let me desire your character , I long to know you , Symptomes of worth declare you in my opinion noble .

Scon.

I shall explaine my selfe by land shape a far off , my father was a Dutch man .

Vrin.

Which makes him looke so like a smoak'd westphalia ham , or dry Dutch pudding .

Scon.

And one in the conspiracy with Barnevet , at whose hanging he fled ore hither .

Vrin.

And the gentle noose had knit up him , and a hundred of his country men , your land would not be pestred so with butter-boxes .

Scon.

Thinking to have purchas'd a monopoly for Tobacco : but that the Vintners tooke in snuffe , and inform'd the gallants , who had like to smoak'd him for 't .

Doct.

An admirable project .

Scon.

Afterwards he undertooke to have drayn'd the Fens , and there was drown'd , and at the ducking time at Crowland drawne up in a net for a widgin .

Doct.

Pray sir what tribe was he of ?

Scon.

He was no Jew Sir , yet he would take pawnes , and their forfeits too , and has left me such as you see , I am a proper man : a trifling patrimony , a thousand pounds perannum .

Vrin.

I admire no man begs him for a foole , and gets it from him .

Doct.

May I request your name ?

Sco.

My name is Sconce sir , Master Ieremy Sconce , I am a gentleman of a good family , and can derive my pedigree from Duke Alvas time , my ancestors kept the inquisition out of Amsterdam .

Vrin.

And brought all Sects in thither .

Scon.

And tooke their surname from Kickin pot , the strongest Sconce in the Netherlands .

Vrin.

An excellent derivation for a Dutch-man , Kickin-pot .

Scon.

I had a good strong cosen taken in by th' enemy , last summer , Skinks Sconce Mr. Doctor , my cozen german once remov'd by a stratagem of hay boats a fire on them .

Doct.

That should have beene before they came there Master Sconce .

Scon.

But t is thought our nation had recover'd it ere this , but that the villanous Dunkerkers at sea met with the Herrinbusses and made stocke-fish of them .

Vrin.

They beat them soundly then it seemes .

Doct.

Have you no brothers Mr. Sconce ?

Scon.

Not any that I know of , as I am gentleman , nor was there any of my name till of late , that gallants have begot me namesakes in every Taverne .

Doct.

But the businesse you have with me is unrelated yet , and I have haste , pray what may it concerne ?

Scon.

A household matter Mr. Doctor ; I would be loath to be accounted troublesome , I should be none of your vulgar guests though : Mixum has inform'd me you have faire lodgings in your house , convenient for ease and pleasure , might I be so much engag'd to your goodnesse , as to affoord me a hansome one for my mony , it should be an endearement conspicuously trenching upon my gratitude , and render me your oblig'd servant ever lastingly .

Vrin.

As long as his money lasts , that is

Doct.

If that be all , for Tom Mixums sake , were chambers scarcer , you should not be denyed . Vrinall bring the gentleman into the dining roome , I le goe acquaint my wife with it .

Scon ,

Vrinall , art thou stil'd Vrinall ?

Exit Doct. Vrin.

It is my right and title to be term'd so .

Scon.

Come hither my sweet Rascall , canst keepe councell , there 's gold for thee , thou shalt have a new case sirrha , wilt thou be true to me ?

Vrin.

I will steale nothing from you Mr. Sconce .

Scon.

Thou lookst not like a man of theft , I mean in a designe .

Vrin.

T is not to convey gold over , in hollow anchors , to pay your Countrimen souldiers ; if it be , I le heare no more of it .

Scon.

Pish , not that neither . Mixum thou knowst him , dost not ?

Vrin.

T was he preferd me hither .

Scon.

I did imagin 't ; my fine Vrinall reports thy Mr. to have the rarest salve .

Vrin.

The weapon salve I warrant .

Scon.

Which would , if I were desperately hurt , cure mee without a Surgeons helpe .

Vrin.

So I have heard indeed .

Scon.

Now Vrinall , it is our Countrie Custome onely to Stick or Snee . But couldst thou but procure this pretious salve , I would confront the glistering steele , out-face the sharpest weapon .

Vrin.

My Master is very cautious in parting with it .

Enter Freewit . Free .

Save you gentlemen , belong you to this house ?

Vrin.

No sir , this house belongs to us .

Free .

Mistris Know-worth , the Lady Yellowes sister , she is not stirring ?

Vrin.

T is a lye sir , she is .

Free .

Your wit is very scurvy Sir : if you serve a Creature here to carry messages ; pray deliver one to her .

Vrin.

I may chuse whether I will or no though .

Scon.

Nay , and he shall chuse sir .

Free .

Prethee good friend let him ; I le doe 't my selfe .

Vrin.

Nay , that you shall not neither : what stand I here for ? But sir , 't is not the fashion of this liberall age , to imploy a man of merit in a message without consideration : your Lawyers Clark will not acquaint his Master with a Clyents cause , untill his fist be soundly greas'd : Why may not I then use the priviledge of my office ? Sir , wee Doctors men take aurum palpabile for Restorative : you are not unfurnished sir .

Free .

O thou wouldst have money ; there 's for thee , prethee Intreat her presence .

Vrin.

Instantly , instantly , noble sir , Mr. Sconce pray bear this worthy gentleman company .

Exit Urinal . Free . Why should she lodge here ? all similitude Explaines this house for vicious , and this Doctor For an impostor : Though she have bin sicke , She might have found to remedy her disease , Another , and more fam'd Physician Than this : She stayes perhaps to beare Her sister company . Whatsoere's the cause , Who dare deprave her innocence , or cast A thought of blemish on her vertues ? Light Diffus'd through aire ( although some thicke-brow'd fogge , Or sickly vapour doe invade ayres sweetnesse ) Suffers no loath'd corruption . Thornes may gore With envious pricking , the discoloured leaves Of the chaste wood-binde , but can never blast Their unstain'd freshnesse . Scon.

Now in the name of madnesse what ailes this man ? Sir are you jealous of your wife before you have her ?

Free .

What if I be sir .

Scon.

She may chance Cuckold you after you have her for it .

Free .

Good Coxecombe hold thy pratling .

Scon.

Coxcombe ? how Coxcombe to a naturallis'd Dutchman ? Death sir , shall I blow you downe with my Can ; or shew you Twibill .

Free .

How Sir ?

Scon.

Nay , bee not angry man , I meant no harme , t is but a complement all salutation , I purchas'd of the Mr. of the Order o th' valiant Knights of the Twibill .

Free .

A new Order of Knight-hood , that may I know the institution .

Enter Mistris Know-worth , Martha , as Mr. Lovering leads her . Know . Servant welcome : Lovering intreat That gentleman to withdraw with Mr. Doctors man . Love .

Sir , my Mistris begs your absence .

Scon. Beggars are no chusers my friend : she shall Undergoe no contradiction : but Madam , t is the fashion Vrin. As I tak 't , to salute at meeting , and kisse at parting . Kisses her . Vrin.

You had best kisse her double Mr. Sconce .

Scon.

Lady , serviture vostre & a vous assi Monsieur tresnoble .

Vrin.

He lookes like a squirrill indeed : this way sir .

Exeunt Lovring , Sconce , Vrinall . Free . I hope you grow to perfect health , The Native beauty that once fild your cheeks , Like to the budding Rose puts forth agen , After cold winters violence : and your lips On whose soft touch , had it bin possible , Death would have dy'd himselfe , begin to shew Like untouch'd Cherries , pale with Morning dew , Which once shak't off , the purple fruit aspires With amorous blushes to intice the small Linnet and wanton Sparrow from their Layes , To doate on its pure tincture , till they eate What they admir'd . Know . — O you are pleasant servant ; did you know How neare I am to death , and for your sake , Your humour soone would alter . Free . Truely , faire one , It is a sweetnesse in you , I could wish Were temper'd with lesse passion : ( Your much care Of my unworthy selfe ; ) t is but a fortnight , Since last my eyes enricht their needy sight , By the reflection of these starres , and had The least ill seas'd me , you had bin the first Whose eares would have receiv'd it ; harmes are aptest To be reported where they are least welcome . Know . They are indeed , and one of yours is come To kill my knowledge ; such a one , as had You worne a common heart , no strong disease Could have dispatched sooner . Free . — I feele No inclination in my faculties Tending to sicknesse : I have never yet By nightly sursets forc'd my youthfull bloode To a distemper . Know . Would your youthfull blood Has ne're forc'd you one . Perfidious man , Had I atchiev'd the patience of a Saint ( Seclude my love to thee ) I should in rage Title thee worthlesse : nay , a name above That hatefull appellation : did you never Injure a Creature of your mothers one Martha ? Free . Ha : how meane you Lady ? Know . In the blacke act of Sinne , when you design'd Her honour , as a carcasse to the Grave , Whereever since your deed of ill was acted , 'T has slept lost and forgotten . Free . By just truth . Know . Invoke your falsehood , if you dare erect On the blacke number of your heed lesse oathes A monument to perjury . White truth , Flies from the ranckorous poyson of your breath , As from a stifling dampe . Can you deny Without a blush what I have urg'd ? Free . My resolution staggers a tall Oake , Whose weighty top has discompos'd his roots ) When whirlewinds doe assault it , fits unmov'd , Ballanc'd with me , to recollect the strength Of impudence , and deeply contradict Her mightiest affirmation , were to wage A feeble warre with truth . Say I did Mistris ; T was ere a thought reciprocall enjoynd me A serious duty to you and your mercy , In which you doe approach as neare heavens goodnesse , As heaven does blest eternity , wil pardon that wit lesse error in me . Know . Truth I shall not : the harmlesse Mirtle first shall live in frosts , And the pale Couslips flourish , ere warme showres With quickning moysture raises them to tell The early Violets they are not alone The Springs prime Virgins : my peculiar wrong I freely pardon : but if you respect Your conscience , seeke that injur'd woman , and Restore by sacred marriage the sad losse Of her deprived fame . Doe it Free-wit , heaven Will smile at thy integrity ; my teares Shall strive to wash your crime away . Ex. Mrs. Know . Free . She weeps : so choice flowers , when extracting fire , Inforces their lost leaves to a mild warmnesse , Doe through the Lymbecke temperately distill Their odoriferous teares . But t is most just To lose a chaste love , when distain'd with lust . Exit . Explicit Actus primus .
Actus secundus . Scena prima . Sconce , Vrinall ; with a boxe of weapon salve . Scon.

BUt are you certaine Vrinall this oyntment is Orthodoxall ; may I without errour in my faith believe this same the weapon salve Authenticall ?

Vrin.

Yes , and infallibly the creame of weapon salves , the simples which doe concurre to th' composition of it , speake it most sublime stuffe ; t is the rich Antidote that scorns the steele , and bids the Iron be in peace with men , or rust : Aurelius Bombastus , Paracelsus , was the first inventer of this admirable Unguent .

Scon.

He was my Countryman , and held an Errant Conjurer .

Vrin.

The Devill he was as soone : an excellent Naturallist , & that was all upon my knowledge , Mr. Sconce ; and t is thought my Mr. comes very neare him in the secrets concerning bodies Physicall , as Herbes , Roots , Plants vegetable and radicall , out of whose quintessence , mixt with some hidden causes , he does extract this famous weapon salve , of which you now are Mr.

Scon.

There 's a Welch Doctor i th' City reported skilfull in compounding it .

Vrin.

He ? a meere Digon a whee ; his salve , why it is Casebaby to my Masters : I dare be sworne t is nothing but Methegling boyld to jelly , the blades of Leeks , mixt with a Welch Goats blood ; then stampt , and straind through a peece of British Freese , or one of the old laps of Merlins Jerkin .

Scon.

Probable Vrinall . That Welch Doctor I doe not like : I did attempt him for the weapon salve , and like a Turke hee answer'd me , that Hollanders were Iewes .

Vrin.

They are a rebellious nation that 's certaine .

Scon.

And that the salve was onely made for Christians ; there is a City Captaine too ; I know not how you stile him .

Vrin.

Not Iohn a Stiles , the Knight of the post is it ?

Scon.

No , no , a very honest gentleman ; but he 's , reported to have atchiev'd the salve in Lapland among the witches , and to be very liberall in imparting it to his friends , an Aldermans daughter Vrinall may , and they say a witty gentlewoman .

Vrin.

Is 't possible Mr. Sconce ? they have few sonnes of that condition .

Scon.

Had a desperate hole made in her by a gentleman , with his But-shaft , as in her Country garden he was shooting at Penny pricke ; was , when none else could doe it , cur'd by this Captaine .

Vrin.

By this light a trifle , a meere trifle , the very scraping of our Galley-pots performes more monstrous wonders : there was a Puritane Mr. Sconce , who , cause he saw a Surplisse in the Church , would needs hang himselfe in the Bell-ropes .

Scon.

Why did not the Sexton ring him by the eares for it ?

Vrin.

Him my Mr. seeing , did for experience sake anoynt the noose wherein his necke had bin , and it recovered him .

Scon.

Is 't possible he should so easily escape a hanging ! but on good Vrinall .

Vrin.

Nay sir I le tell you a greater miracle : You heard of the great training last Summer master Sconce ?

Scon.

O when the whol : City went in Armes to take in Islington ; marry I heard the Ale-wives curse the report of their Muskets , it made their Pies and Custards quake i th' Oven , and so come out bow-back't , whìch almost broke the poore Harlots .

Vrin.

I then Mr. Sconce there was at least three-score blown up with a basket of powder , thirty of their lives my Master sav'd .

Scon.

Rarer , and rarer yet : But how good Vrinall ?

Vrin.

He dress'd the smoake of the powder as it flew up Sir , and it heald them perfectly .

Scon.

O that any body would blow me up , to see how I could eure my selfe . Still on good Vrinall .

Vrin.

Nay theré , are thousands of this kinde : but now I thinke on it since , it did commit a villanous mischiefe .

Scon.

Could it ever doe a mischiefe Vrinall ?

Vrin.

Yes , yes , it has done a most notorious one , sufficient to exauctorate its power , and almost annihilate the vertu of it .

Scon.

What was 't good Vrinall ?

Vrin.

I could e'ne weepe to tell you sir : t is suppos'd t will never recover the favour of gentlemen and City wits , they are quite out of conceite with it .

Scon.

But why should they be so Vrinall ?

Vrin, I scarce dare answer Sir , for feare you hate it likewise , T was such another mischiefe . Scon.

Prethee what ? nay on my gentility Vrinall .

Vrin.

Why sir , it cur'd two Serjeants , and their yeomen .

Scon.

How ? two Serjeants .

Vrin.

Who otherwise had drunke Mace-Ale with the Devill .

Scon.

A Capitall crime that same , to cure two Serjeants .

Enter Doctor , his wife : Mixum , his wife . Doct. Tom Mixum I thanke thee for the man Thou setst me ; t is a most serviceable knave ;

I 've set him to pull you bird of Paradice , you parcell Dutch : thou sentst him hither too .

Mix.

I knew he was for your purpose , Mr. Doctor : this is the gentleman I told you had one thousand pound per annum , and would be a match for Mr. Doctors daughter .

Scon.

There was a touch for him indeed Vrinall .

Doct.

It will , indeed , now I consider on 't , I had rather shee should marry a wealthy gull , than a witty Beggar : Wife and Mr. Mixum , will you discourse a little with the gentleman , sound his intent and pronenesse to a match , and as you finde him use him ; Mr. Sconce I should be glad to wait on you , did not urgent affaires withdraw me .

Scon.

Mr. Doctor I saw you not before : I am sorry sir , you will be gone so soone , I should have chang'd some sillables with you .

Doct.

Another time sweet Mr. Sconce .

Tom Mixum , Vrinall , Exeunt with Doctor . Mrs. Mix.

A very good fortune Mrs Arilesse for your daughter , and not to be neglected : shall I speak to him , or will you for sooth ?

Mrs. Art .

Perhaps hee 'l speake to us : see kind gentleman .

Scon.

Lady , my manners does command mee leave you : you would perchance be private by your selves , or peradventure Vrinall were more behoofefull for your company : then I adiew Vfroes .

Mrs. Mix.

Pray stay sir , we have some businesse with you , ( let me alone to trye him Mrs. Artlesse ) besides wee had rather be private with a gentleman , then by our selves : they say you Dutch-men are the kindest men , and love a woman heartily , you kisse so finely too .

Scon.

You shall feel that presently [ kisses her ] there was a touch for you : Nay Mrs. Artlesse you shall not blame my manners , I have a lip , a piece for you [ kisses her ] and there was a touch for you Lady .

Mrs. Mix.

So please you sir , I have another touch for you too , [ kisses him ] Must trie his disposition Mrs. Artlesse .

Scon.

A very strong touch that same ; she will beleaguer me I thinke , and her Cannon shot will bee kisses , they almost blow mee over . Surely the Minikin is enamoured on me .

Mrs. Art .

Motion it to him Mrs. Mixum .

Mrs. Mix.

Pray give me leave to feele his minde first , Mistris Artlesse : T is pitty sir , you are so long unmarried ; you are an exceeding handsome Gentleman .

Scon.

Yes , yes , I know that well enough , I might serve for a gentleman Usher , were my legges small enough : there are Ladies would consume halfe the revenews of their Lords , on such a man of Chine and pith as I am .

Mist. Mix.

Fie master Sconce , thinke not of Ladies sir , they are so imperious , a man must serve them as they doe command , at every turne and toy comes in their head ; they 'l puffe and fret else , like their taffata peticoats with often brushing up ; I will protest to you , you had better set you minde upon some honest country Gentlewoman , or Citizens daughter , Master Doctor has a handsome girle ( though I say it before her mothers face ) only she wants the audacity , which a man would put into her ; would you were married to her : Sir , she may doe worse , I dare assure you .

Mist. Art .

Yes indeed may you master Sconce , have you not seene her yet ? t is a pretty puling baggage , so it is , marry ere I would make her a Lady , shee should be a new Exchange wench , your Citizens wives they are the goodest creatures , live the finest lives .

Mist. Mix.

Very right , mistris Artlesse , good soules , did you but know sir , what tender hearts they have , how kind they will be to a gentleman that comes to deale for their commodities , they will use him and it were their owne husbands .

Scon.

I le lay my life this musk-melon has a minde to use mee so : I care not much to give her a touch , or so , she 's of the right sise , but Mistris Artlesse should I have your good will , if I could love your daughter .

Mist. Art .

Certainely sir , were you of English blood , I should like you better .

Mist. Mix.

Fie Mistris Artlesse , when I was a maid , I had a desire to be a kinne to all nations : I have tried some English men , and they are like my husband , meere meacocks verily : and cannot lawfully beget a childe once in seaven yeares .

Scon.

A touch , by this light , that 's the reason there are so many bastards in the city .

Mi. Mix.

Your Spaniard as a neighbour of mine , told me who had liv'd among , is too hasty , he will not give a woman time to say her prayers after she is bed : your French is with a woman as with an enemy , soone beaten off , but mistris Artlesse , if you will marry your daughter to the most compleat man , let him be Dutch : they are the rarest men at multiplication , they will doe it so readily .

Seon.

They be indeed very good Arithmeticians .

Enter Lady Yellow , Mistris knoworth . Mist. Art .

Here comes the Ladies : Mistris Mixum we 'l depart , they must not know our conference .

Exe. Mrs. Art . Mist. Mix.

A diew kinde master Sconce .

Mrs. Mixum . Scon.

Adiew min vroen , I have a pestilent mind to this talking harlotry , I will to her , but if I should obtain the Neapolitan beneath , a creeke i th' backe , or so , from her , 't would be but a scurvy touch , that for me , I should be forc'd to swim i th tub for it , or be hang'd by the armes , and smoak'd like a bloat herring , I had forgot my pretious salve , should I be serv'd so , 't were but dressing the weapon that hurt mee ( which I can have at any time ) and be sound agen , ha other donsella's : Madams , they are creatures of Plush , and Sattin , I le accost them .

Know .

This is the gentleman I told you of , I wonder what his quality may be , our Landlord the Doctor is a much fam'd man , and surely very honest .

Scon. It shall be so , my English is not compleate enough To hold discourse with Ladies of regard , my naturall Dutch too is a Clownish speech , and only fit to court A leagurer in : no your French shall doe it , and thanke My memory , I am perfect in it , t is your most Accomplish'd language , there 's scarce a gallant but does woe His mistris in the moode , but if they should Not understand me : well I will experce Me it . Sconce cringes to the Ladies . Lady .

He meanes to speake surely in cringes .

Scon.

Madametres puissant en lecommand . de touts ceurs de cest monde , ie que sui semond & invite en tant de lieux que ie ne scay ou aller pour abrir mon sayn : a vn bewtie digne de mon acceptance .

Lady Heyday , what 's this , how should he know Who can speake French . Know .

He supposes it , prithee answer him sister .

Scon. Suiuant vostre treschier virtue , Ie sui si liberal Que ie abadonnerenie & renounce a tout mis biens Demon vid mon Engin mon alayne mon sang & mon Pensir ( pour ie ne saurioye , que dire ) proueior mon Ceur mon affection tout a vostre plaiseur . Lady . Aproche's ie ne vou's morderay pas . Scon. Si ié ne vous fay tratement t'el que A vous appartient , ie espere que vostre Noblez te contera de mon bon intention . Enter Sir Martine , Popingay , and Vrinall . Vrin. There is the Lady you enquire for . Sir Mart. Thanke thee my friend , there 's for Thy paines , depart . Nephew stand cleare , observe . Exit Vrinall . Scon. Sily'a chose en mon petit povoir en quoy ie vous puisse Servir & aider commandes moy librement . Lady . Vous Este fort & liberal de suparoll monsieur . Sir Mar. At it so close , so now he wrings her hand , And she smiles on him : and her sister laughs At the lascivious posture , that I could Command a flash of lightning , or usurpe A minute the prerogative of death That I might force a ruine on them , suddaine As water falls from mountaines , yet so wretched , They might despaire and damne themselves , what say they ? Pop. They speake French , I understand them not . Scon. kisses the Lady . Mart. O that 's the ages bawd to lustfull contracts , Hell seise them , may their lips , like twins In mischiefe grow together , that their foule breath May have no vent , least like some poisonous fogge , It doe infect the aire . Kisses her hand . Scon. Per dona mi Madam apre's le's leures le maine . Sir Mart. Againe , why strait , If I stand still , they 'l to the very act , I shall behold my selfe transform'd to beast , And like an innocent lambe , when the keene knife 's Prepar'd to slit his wesand never bleat But in calme silence perish ; villaine divell Hadst thou as many lives as thou hast sins . This should invade them all with the swift rage Of fire or whirlewinds . Runs at Sconce , hurts him in the arme , Sconce disarmes him . Lady . Heavens blesse yee Innocent gentleman : sister my husband . Know .

I feare he has mischiev'd him .

Scon.

You thinke you have hurt me wonderfully I warrant .

Pop.

Good sir be more your selfe .

Laughs . Scon.

Give me thy hand , t is but a touch i th arme man , thou art a valiant fellow , I warrant thee a right twibiller , run a tilt at a man before his weapon is drawne , your , Lady would not have don 't I me sure , but t is no matter , thou hast done me a curtesie , or otherwise I should not take 't so patiently , ( I shall by this meanes experience my precious weapon salve ) hold , thou wilt fight no more , there 's a twibill for thee , thy sword I le keepe till wee next meet , Ladies beso los doights de vostre blanch mains , adiew comrade remember I am beholding to thee .

Ex. Sconce . Pop.

He 's gone , but has left his hanger behinde him .

Lady . Sister prithee speak to him , he has put me in such a fright , I cannot . Pop. Sir be not so extreamly passionate , Discourse your grievance mildely , heare her answer , Then censure justly of her . Knor. Brother I admire A person of your breeding should transgresse , Civility so highly , to attempt Upon a gentleman , who to my knowledge Injur'd you no way . Sir Mart. He is your champion , and you his Ladies . Know . How sir ? Sir Mart. His prostitutes I might have said O creature , Who art so bad , the present age will question The truth of history , which do's but mention A vertuous woman ; with what impudence Canst thou behold me , and a shivering cold , Strong as the hand of winter , casts on brookes Not freese thy spirits up , congeale thy blood . To an ere'lasting lethargy . The starres Like straglers , wander by successive course , To various seats yet constantly revisit The place they mov'd from : the Phaenix whose sweetnesse Becomes her sepulcher , ascends agen Vested in younger feathers from her pile Of spicy ashes , but mans honor lost Is irrecoverable the force of fate cannot revive it . Lady . Sir t is past my thoughts , What should incense you to this jealous rage 'Gainst me your loyall wife , when no one blemish Lyes on my soule that can give testimony Unto my conscience that I have not ever Truely and chastely lov'd you . Sir Mart. Yes just so the greene Willow and shady Poplar love the brooke , Upon whose bankes they 're planted , yet infect By frequent dropping of their witherd boughes , Its wholesome waters ; that thou shouldst be faire And on the white leaves of thy face beare writ The character of foulenesse , swallow up In thy abysse of sin , thy native purenesse , As the high seas that doe with flattering curles Intice the spotlesse streames to mixe their waves With the insatiate billowes , that intombe the innocent rivers . Lady .

O me unfortunate woman .

Pop. Good uncle speake more kindly to her , alasse she weepes . Sir Mar. I see it nephew , So violent raine weepes or the purple heads Of smiling Violets , till its brakish drops Insinuate among the tender leaves , And with its waight oppresse them : these are teares , Such as distill from henbane full of poison , And craft as she they come from : tell me woman , Who hast not shame enough left in thy cheekes To cause a blush , darst thou usurpe the name Of good or vertuous , when these eares can witnesse Thou didst sollicit yesterday this youth , To fate the ravenous heate of thy desire , With all the eloquence well worded lust Could borrow to adorne its painted fowlenesse . Lady . Was it you indeed ? I 'm glad I know 't deare sir , Had I the chastest temper , that fraile flesh Could ever boast of , your strange usage of me , Would undermine it : to forsake my bed , Before my blood scarce relish'd the delights Attending on young nuptialls , so that I Expect no anger from you , if I seeke That from the charity of other men , Which your neglect ( though you in duty owe it ) Will not allow me . Know . Well said sister . Sir . Mar. Life shee l tell me straight She will retaine before my face some slave , Some strong back'd monster to performe her hot Desires with able activenesse , the slow Motion of snayles that carry on their heads Their shelly habitations to the pace Of my dull rage , is swift as erring flames , Which had it not been leaden wing'd ; as sleepe , Ere this had seis'd the monster . Lady . Ha , ha , ha , the man is sure distracted , ha , ha , ha , Pop. Heyday , here 's laughing and crying both with a winde , As boyes doe , a juglar 's but an asse to a right woman . Lady .

Good sir will you walke ? the gentleman hee 's in a terrible sweat , should he stand still , he may chance catch an Ague .

Know .

A Cardus posset were very soveraigne for him , I perceive his fit is comming .

Lady .

How doe you husband , sweet heart , what not speake ? I thought your jealousie ere this had driven you into France , but now I see you feare to bee sea-sicke , you have found mee out it seemes ; I hope ere long you will provide Gossips for the child I goe with , marke you ducke .

Sir Mar. If I stay , my rage Will hurry me to mischiefe , better leave her To certaine ruine , then betray my selfe To danger of it , when strong tides meete tides In a contracted chanell , they their force , Resigne to th' wearing of the troubled waves A frothier livery , then when Oceans Encounter with full liberty , the windes Imprisond in the Cavernes of the earth , Breake out in hideous earthquakes , passions so Encrease by opposition of all scornes , T is most opprobrious to be arm'd with hornes . Ex. Sir . Mar. Lady . He leaves you here sir as his spie , do's he not ? Pray wait upon your master , I suppose he is so . Pop. Pardon me Madam , he is my uncle . Lady . Which of his sisters sonnes are you ? Pop. The Lady Popingaies . Lady .

My cosen Harry Popingay ; I cry your mercy sir : your good mother knowes , and grieves I me sure , to see her brother wrong me as he does : should I tell her how you dealt with mee too , she would chide you soundly .

Pop.

Your goodnesse Madam will forgive it on my submission and sorrow for it .

Know .

Wee l beg it for you sir .

Lady . Sister he has it , were it possible To worke a reclamation on this man , From his fond jealousie , I would not wish A change to be an Empresse . Enter Dalinea . Dal.

Madam , my mother does entreat your Ladyships company in your chamber , Mrs. Mixum has brought the conserves my father did appoint her .

Pop. T is the same face , or else some Angel does Assume this shape to mocke mortality , With the true forme of beauty . Lady .

Nephew pray see us oftner , and use all meanes to gaine your distracted uncle from his frensie , sister shall 's walke ; Dalinea be it your care to see my Nephew forth .

Exe. Lady and Knoworth . Dal.

I shall Madam .

Pop. Life , she speakes too A tempting language , such was our first mothers voyce , While she was innocent , most perfect woman . Dal. Would you have ought with me sir ? Pop. Yes bright vertue . Dal.

That title relishes flattery for ought you know : I may be vicious .

Pop. Goodnesse deludes it selfe then , I cannot flatter Lady , you mistake me : What I shall speake , comes from an innocence Yet undefild by falshood . Dal. Speake quickely , if it concerne me , otherwise I must Entreat a licence to depart . Pop. You cannot affoord example of such cruelty To following Lovers , to deprive my sight so soone Of yours , for whose least view , the darke Cimmerian , blinded With continuall sleepe , would rowse his heavy eyelids . Dal. Nay , and you begin to run a complement out of breath , You 'l drive me hence indeed : ( believe me sir ) had I not lik'd You well , my modesty would scarce have suffered the least Enterchange of words ( but since it has done ) pray be briefe , What tends your conference to ? Pop. I love you Lady With the religious fancy , that one Saint Affects another ; such a heate as mine Was that , with which the first who ere knew love , Had their soules warm'd ( essentiall ) not as now The common garbe is to adore a lip , Or any other lineament , but for The abstract of perfection , which do's glory In being deriv'd from one so good as you are , Am I become your captive . Dal. This to me , sounds as the empty whistling of the ayre Does in some hollow vault , unspotted truth Informes my ignorance , there 's not a person In all the multitude of men loves chastly . Pop. Be so charitable As to believe I can , who never yet Knew flame was vicious , my desires retaine Their maiden purity , no other object Did ere attract my soules unblinded eyes , but your faire selfe . Dal. Then I believe you sir , No man will be so worthlesse to dissemble With me , who cannot thinke but all the world Intends the same reality that I doe : Yet t is an errour , which perswasion scarce Shall free me from : that every woman ought To love a man with that indifferent heate She fancies other women , without sence Of difference twixt the Sexes . Pop. Soule of sweetnesse , How equally an Angels intellect Informes her sacred Reason : to love chastly , Could not have bin defin'd with juster strictnesse , Had we produc'd the constancy of Swans , Or never changing Turtles , as our patternes , ( T 'had but describ'd chaste love ) the Palme that prospers , ( Not but by 's fellow ) and the Vine that weaves Of her owne leaves a thinne , yet glorious mantle For her naked lover . Doe but embleme what Her truth has utt'red : but resolve me faire one , Could you affect so ? Dalin. If that were all Requisite to love , I could ; but there 's obedience A Nuptiall wreath brings with it , which I feare My frailty would scarce keepe , and to become Perfidious to a vow were such a sinne As I should quake to thinke of . Pop. You alledge Vaine difficulties : I perceive your looks Would be propitious to me , did your will , Asham'd perhaps to suffer suddaine conquest , Not play the Tyrant with them , and call backe The crimson Nectar from your well-form'd cheeke To guard your heart from yielding : come , let 's kisse , The modest heate proceeding from my lips Will thaw your soule to softnesse . Dal. Away , we may not ; If true — chaste love had rested in discourse , I could have beene its votary , but a thought Of any thing beyond it , is to me Dangerous as sicknesse : farewell sir . Ex. Dal. Pop. Sure some white Cherubim , Comming to teach the irreligious earth The ancient truth ; in its swift flight to heaven , Pronounc'd that happy farewell to the soules Its musicke had converted , I 've not lost In my first tryall , like some ventrous man , Who findes the Indies , though he get small wealth , Yet he sets forth agen , in hopes at last To lade his winged vessell : I le returne . That fire 's not out , which does in Ashes burne . Exit . Explicit Actus secundus .
Actus Tertius , Scena Prima . Sconce solus , dressing his weapon . Scon.

SO , now it workes : the operation I believe is not on the suddaine , and my wound rancles as fast as if hee had runne his Rapier through a Head of Garlicke , or wash'd it in Aqua fortis ; and this weapon salve , so much extold by th' Twiball Knights , commended by Mixum , deified by Vrinall , and adored by my believing selfe , procures no more miraculous effect , than if it were unguentum album . Well , I am confident yet , there 's no defect i th' unguent ; my blood , my blood is sure anathemated ; carries some curs'd impediment about it , that disannuls the vertue and incomparable force of the divine salve . This Dutch blood of mine , guilty of Bacon grease , and potted Butter — Soft , who are these ? my Cozen Fortresse , Generall of the Twiball Knights ; and his assistant Pirke , with Mr. Mixum ; t were a detriment to valour to complaine before them .

Enter Mixum , Fortresse , and Pirke . Mix.

Yonder 's your Cosen talking to himselfe : pray Gentlemen draw neare . Mr. Sconce I brought these friends to visit you .

Scon.

Thanks good Mr. Mixum , Cosen Fortresse , and my Diminutive Captaine Pirke ; give your hands , you are welcome , very welcome .

For.

Health to the Weather-cocke of my Kin , the noble Signeur Ieremias Sconce .

Pirke .

Propitious , and auspicious be thy starres , man of renowne and merit : ha thy arme in sling my Palmerin : Confusion Captaine Fortresse , he weares a wound about him .

Scon.

No , no , a touch , a meere touch , a Flea-bite , Captain Pirke .

Mix.

Is 't not recover'd by the salve Mr. Sconce ?

Scon.

Yes , as good as whole ; the weapon salve will remedy it .

Fort.

Yes , past all chance it will : t will mundifie and purge your body Cosen : I use to combate three of four at once , every spring , purposely to be let blood a little : it does me good all the yeare after .

Scon.

I am very glad of it . But tell me Cosen Fortresse , how fares it with the residue of the blades , the valiant Twiball Knights , the famous brethren , doe they walke in Coat gelt , or all a mode in Dunkirke Cloaks ?

Mix.

Those fashioned Cloaks I never heard of before : I mervaile my Tayler gets not a patterne of them ; Pray sir , what is a Dunkirke Cloake ?

Pirke .

Not know a Dunkirk upper garment , a leaguer Cloak ; behold my Io , this Cane , this staffe of office ; this wee stile the Millitarie Caster .

Mix.

T will hardly keepe a shoure of raine out that .

Scon.

Are they confin'd to Chamber still , for want of Boots , or Linnen ? I love to heare of their prosperities .

Fort.

Why Cosen they are well , but in the accustom'd garbe , the frugall brimme , and petty feather : they expect most carefully thy admittance into our Order .

Scon.

'T shall be done after my wedding Cosen . I have got , dost heare , sirrah Pirke a girle of mettall , the Doctors daughter Bully , Fortresse . Flesh of Milke and Roses Blade .

For.

But Cosen , t is necessary , you inrole your selfe into the Family before you wed : our order , like the Knights of Malta , does admit no persons espoused : but with this difference , if they receive the Order Batchellours , they may then marry and yet retaine the title .

Scon.

Say you so Cosen ?

For.

Certaine truth my Io: we met upon our grand Exchange last night , our place of trade and consultation , and there concluded some decrees , necessary for supporting our Common-wealth .

Pir.

How perdition Captaine ? how durst you meet without me ? or conceite that decree valuable , which the voyce of Captaine Pirke has not assented to . Refuse me sir , the brethren of the Blades shall me their bold confrontment : vengeance doe you take mee for a boy , or some Pigwiggin ? consult without me ?

Scon.

Patience , good Captaine Pirke , I would faine heare them .

Pirk.

He reads his necke-verse , reads them in my presence : Death rob me of the priviledge of my place and dignity Captaine , confound you , I could shew you Twibill for it .

Mix.

What does this Tom Thumbe meane troe ?

For.

Why sirrah Dandiprat , you might have given attendance .

Pirke .

What without a summons , you can send Iacke Shirke your Beadle ; to congregate the meaner branches of the Brotherhood , not a Picke-pocket I warrant you , but had notice of it : and must I be forgotten ? by my man-hood t is base .

Scon.

You have given the Captaine too bold a touch Senior Pirke ; thou art just like the Mouse to the Elephant , borne to vexe him : but prethee for my sake let him read them .

Birke .

Your sake prevailes , or otherwise —

For.

Attend then Cosen Sconce ; our Orders I le assure you are such , as the most envious Justice , nor their Goose-quill Clarks , that smell at new Bridewell , and Finsbury shall not exclaime on . Imprimis , it is generally decreed .

Pirk.

How , generally without me ? Fire of Styx this is insufferable .

Scon.

Good Captaine Pirke , on cosen Fortresse .

Fort.

That no knight of the Twibill ; as Whiskin or allye gentleman shall presume to lead or convey any of the sisters of the order , viz. Striker , Cockatrice , or Gynimeg through the watch after twelve , unlesse he see them asleepe , or be in see with the Constable , under the penalty of being sent to the house of Correction .

Pirk.

Renounce me sir , this order I le not signe to , it savors of cowardise , feare to convey a sister through the watch , t is against Our noble institution

Fort.

Next it is enacted , that none of the groomes of our wardrobe shall offer to deprive any man of cloake , coate , or hat , unlesse it be in the darke , as they feare to answer it at the next assises , and be burn'd in the hand for it .

Scon.

T would be a hot touch for them cosen Fortresse .

Fort.

Next it is decreed , that the receivers of our rents and customes , to wit divers Rookes , and Saint Nicholas Clearkes shall certainely use no more slights to get more then they can clearely come off with , under penalty of being carried up Holborne in a cart , and at Tiburne executed , which may tend to the dissolution of our whole fraternity .

Scon.

But have you concluded nothing for the sisters , I long to heare them ?

Fort.

O yes cosen , we have confinde them to a certaine price , a stipend reasonable , so that they shall not need to dive into pockets .

Scon.

They will doe that if you would hang them cosen .

Pirk.

I doe disclaime that order , Captaine Fortresse . your wisedome should have well considerd at what charge they are , for coach or hand litter , specially those of the gentile garbe , next their ushers must be maintaind , paint payd for , cloaths , provided and the matron satisfied , these things considerd , could you bee so cruell as to confine them to a price by valour sir , I am asham'd on 't .

Fort.

T is mended by the next order , they are prescrib'd from wearing Plush and Sattin , unlesse in peticoats .

Scon.

You will not have them like the Jewes at Rome weare party coloured garments , to be knowne from Christians ?

Fort.

By no meanes sir , we would have every one take notice of them , but Marshalls men , Beadles , and Constables , and therefore have ordain'd that they shall weare Beaver Hats , Poak'd Russes , Grogram Gownes , or at the best wrought Taffata , Foxe Skinne muffes , Moehaire peticoates , Bodkins and Croscloaths edg'd with gold lace .

Mix.

This is the habit of our Rotterdamians .

Fort. The only shape to hide a striker in : ever while you Live , your city is most secure from officers , and most Notorious to gentlemen , they will take up your city ware at Any rate . Besides while they slanted it in plush , 'T was an abuse to gentlewomen and Ladies , we have er'd in Questioning them for females of our tribe , and had our pates Broake for it . Scon.

But Cosen is this edict generally confirm'd by all the society of the Twibillers Knights and Ladies .

Fort.

T is universall cosen , only for Captaine Pirkes name , wee left a blanke , there 's the decree sir , read it if you please .

Pirk. T was the safest course to leave a blanke for me , or I had Blank'd your whole decree ! I had by magnanimity . Scon.

Imprimis , I Captaine Furibundo Fortresse .

Mix.

A fearefull name that same .

Scon. Knight great master of the order of Twibill : Lord of no Cloke , Viscount Ratan , cane and one spur . Mix.

You are but an ill cocke of the game it seemes .

Scon.

Count Freese , gray Felt , and mony-lacke , Duke of Turnbull , Bloomesbury , and Rotten Row , Lord paramont of all Garden-Alleyes , Gun Ally , and Rosemary Lane .

Mix.

He has more titles then the great Turk . Proceed sir .

Scon.

Chief commander of all Twibills , dangerfeild and whiskins , who will quarell in Tavernes with a man , and not fight in the field with a mouse . And of the residue of the fraternities of huffes , diverse dammes and decoyes , sole sultan and grand signeur , have to the premisses set my mighty hand , together with hands of our trusty and our couragious assistants ( this blanke 's for you Captaine Pike ) Holafernes Make-shift , Rosiran Knockdowne , and twenty six more of our principall companions of the order .

Fort.

Nay there are others too , bury not their appellations in oblivion , they merit memory .

Scon.

To which at our command also are subsign'd our most illustrious and remarkable sisters ( they are slit nos'd perhaps ) ( there was a touch for them cosen Fortresse ) Donna Iesabella , Garreta , mother of the maids of Lambeth Marsh , with her conspicuous consort , at the three skipping Conies in the towne . ( a touch that ) you meane the three Squirrels , you are cunning cosen Fortresse , together with our most industrious servant Pythagoras Pigge .

Pirk.

I gave him that name from his transmigration into cast suites , who has put his petie toes to it , and finally the woman that sings ballads , has her name trunled at the taile of it .

Mix.

I mervaile master Doctor has not set his hand to this .

Scon.

Seald with the seale at armes of our order , viz. Three Rooks volant in a field sanguine , two broken jugs the supporters , and a Twibill for the crest , and given the second day of this present month , at our mansion royall , or place of meeting in the long gravield walkes in our usuall fields .

Enter Doctor , Vrinall , Freewit , Sir Martine . Sir Mar. Well Master Doctor you 'l remember me , And have an eye unto my nephew , I trust Her with you . Farewell sir . Exit Sir Mart. Doct.

Doubt it not good sir Martine .

Fort. Captaine Pirke pray retire unto the brothers of our Society : entreat them to prepare againe tomorrow , for My cosen Sconces enseasement . Pi●k.

Upon compulsion sir , I should refuse , marry on faire entreaty I doe flye , good and high fates looke on you .

Ex. Pirk. Doct.

Sonne Sconce ( I 'm bold to call you so ) how do's your at me ?

Scon. Indifferent sir , but yet I have not found That rare effect i th' weapon salve you spoake of , Vrinall I feare since it cur'd the two serjeants and their Yeomen , the vertue has beene much extenuated . Doct.

T was your ill dressing the weapon : give me your sword sonne , this is of the right salve the welsh Doctor makes , this shall save my credit . ( Annoints the weapon . ) Now Vrinall take this weapon , lap it warme in linnen cloaths , and locke it in my sonne , your anguish sonne will soone be mitigated .

Scon.

I have a touch of it already sir .

Fre.

I have seene experience of this weapon salve , and by its most mysterious working knowne some men hurt , past the helpe of surgery recover'd .

Mix.

Marke you that master Sconce , the gentleman may be believ'd .

Free . Yet I cannot With my laborious industry invent A reason why it should doe this , and therefore Transcending naturall causes , I conclude The use unlawfull . Scon.

He is unlawfully begotten sir , dares tearme it so , there was a touch for him cosen Fortresse ; I cald him sonne of a whore , and he would take no notice of it .

Doct.

But pray sir , why should it be unlawfull ?

Free . Cause Conscience and religion disallow In the recovery of our impair'd healths , The assistance of a medicine made by charmes , Or subtle spells of witchcraft . Scon.

his mother was a witch , saies this maide , so there was another touch for him cosen Fortresse , son of a witch , but he understands not that neither .

Doct.

Conceive you this to be compounded so ?

Free .

I le prove it master Doctor .

Scon.

The proofe of a pudding is the eating , in your teeth sir , a pudding in his teeth : you know what I meane cosen Fortresse , another touch for him , but als one , he has wit in 's anger , and wil not understand me .

Fort. If he durst blunder for it Cosen Sconce . Free . Yet to avoide a tedious argument , Since our contention 's only for discourse , And to instruct my knowledge , pray tell me , A me you not tha this same salve will cure At any distance ( as if the person hurt Should be at Yorke ) the weapon , dres'd at London , On which his blood is . Doct.

All this is granted 't will .

Scon.

Nay we 'l grant you more sir ( that it will not ) and yet prove it , and you shall prove your selfe a ( so you shall . ) There had been another touch for him cosen Fortresse , but I fear'd hee would have understood me now , ere you shall prove it .

Fort.

Silence cosen Sconce , let 's heare the whiffler if he cannot verifie his words , sink me my Jo , he shall taste arme of dangerfield .

Free . Out of your words sir I le prove it Diabolicall , no cause Naturall ; begets the most contemn'd effect , Without a passage through the meanes , the fire cannot produce another fire untill it be apply'd to subject apt to take Its flaming forme , nor can a naturall cause , Worke at incompetent space : how then can this Neither consign'd to th' matter upon which Its operation is to cause effect ; Nay at so farre a distance , worke so great And admirable a cure beyond the reach And law of nature ; yet by you maintain'd , A naturall lawfull agent , what dull sence can credit it . Scon.

Very authenticke this , well if the divell have tane the paines to be my surgion , my arme I feare will be possest , I feele an evill spirit in it already .

Fort.

Respect the Doctors answer .

Doct. Sir , you speake reason , I must confesse , but every cause Workes not the same way ; we distinguish thus : Some by a Physicall and reall touch Produce : So Carvers hewing the rough Marble , Frame a well polish'd statue : but there is A virtuall contact too : which other causes Imploy in acting their more rare effects , So the bright Sun does in the solid earth , By the infusive vertue of his raies , Convert the for did substance of the mold To Mines of mettall , and the piercing ayre By cold reflexion so ingenders Ice ; And yet you cannot say the chilly hand Of ayre , or quickning fingers of the Sunne , Really touch the water or the earth . The Load-stone so by operative force , Causes the Iron which has felt his touch , To attract another Iron ; nay , the Needle Of the ship guiding compasse , to respect The cold Pole Articke ; just so the salve workes , Certaine hidden causes convay its powerfull Vertue to the wound from the annointed Weapon , and reduce it to welcome soundnesse . Scon.

The salve is legitimate agen , Cosen Fortresse , O rare Doctor

Mix.

Nay , you shall heare him tickle the gentlemen I warrant you .

Free . This , Mr. Doctor , is A weake evasion , and your purities Have small affinity ; the glorious Sunne As t is a generall instrument of heaven , In all its great productions , and the Ayre An Elementall agent , naturally Ingender Mettalls in the earth , and Ice On the selfe frisling waters : The Load-stone As t is a simple body , may afford That vertue to the steele by secret power Of all-commanding nature . But that this , This weapon salve , a compound , should affect More than the purest bodies can , by wayes More wonderfull than they doe , as apply'd Unto a sword a body voyd of life , Yet it must give life , or at least preserve it . Scon. Pish , he talkes like an Apothecary to the Doctor . Doct. You mistake , it does not , T is the blood sticking to the sword atchieves The cure : there is a reall simpathy Twixt it , and that which has the juyce of life , Moystens the body wounded . Fort. Rare Paracelsian , thy Annalls shall be cut in Brasse by Pen of steele . Free . You may as well Report a reall simpathy betweene The nimble soule in its swift flight to heaven , And the cold carkasse it has lately left , As a loath'd habitation : blood , when like The sap of Trees , which weepes upon the Axe Whose cruell edge does from the aged Trunke Dissever the green Branches from the Veines , Ravish'd , forgoes his Native heate , and has No more relation to the rest , than some Desertlesse servant , whom his Lord casts off , Has to his vertuous fellowes . Enter Mistris Know-worth . Know . Mr. Free-wit return'd agen , and in discourse With Mr. Doctor : I le not disturbe your conference . Doct. So please your Ladyship we had even done . I am glad she 's come to rescue me . Scon.

There was a touch for him Cosen Fortresse , victus , victa , victum , he lookes like a Schoole-boy vanquish'd at capping verses : harke you sir , repent your errour , and in time you may bee sav'd ; you see the vertue of the salve the Doctor had dress'd his Speaking weapon with it . It hurt you , and it has cured you Beware you fall not into a relapse : there was another touch for him Cosen

Fortresse .

Doctor give your hand ( father I should have said ) some fam'd Historian , some Gallo-Belgicus shal Chronicle thee and thy salve , there was a touch for him Cosen Fortresse . Come you shall see my Mistris .

Exeunt Sconce , Fortresse , Mixum , and Doctor . Know . Mr. Freewit have you yet found the injur'd Woman out , I motioned at last parting ? Free . Truely Mistris , had she bin worthy the seeking , your Command should not have beene protracted , but 'T were a staine to my owne honour to be inquisitive After a prostitute , and a blot to your Discretion , should nice judgements know you enjoyn'd me So manifest a folly . Know . 'T was a greater to be the authour of her shame , Whom now you slight so infinitely . Free . Could I slight her more , 'T were a due justice which I owe my selfe , ( In hazarding the forfeit of your love ) Undone by her , but your most serious thoughts Will sure convert your soule from the intent Of my most certaine ruine , which your last Discourse perhaps , for triall of my faith , Seem'd to invert upon me . Know . You mistake ; needlesse are second trialls , when a first Proves you perfidious ; doubtlesse you confirm'd Your love to her , with the same sad protests You 've done to me ( yet left her ) for her sake , And in revenge of womans innocence , martyr'd by you , I here to heaven pronounce a sure disjunction Of our loves and vowes for ever . Free . O reserve that breath , Which ought like sacred incense to be spent Onely on heaven , or in delivering notes May charme the world to peace , when raging warres Or Earth quakes have affrighted it . Confirm't On no such use , horrid and ominous , As if it threatned thunder to the earth , Or would infect the genius of the ayre With Mists contagious ( as if compos'd Of Viper steame ) O had you were wont To be so good , that vertue would have sigh'd ( At the unwelcome spectacle ) if you Had appeard woman in a passion , ( Though of the slightest consequence ) O do not Renounce that Saint-like temper , it will be A change hereafter burthenous to your soule , As sinne to one , who all his life time blest With peace of Conscience , at his dying minute , Falls into mortall enmity with heaven , And perishes eternally . Know . These words Have not the effectuall Oratory you first had , When I was confident , as day of light , Your youth had beene as destitute of vice As of deformity . So a sweet streame , Whose bubling harmony allur'd the Birds To court its moving musicke , when it mixes With impure waters , with the noyse affrights The eares , before delighted in it . Free . This is too severe a Justice , and extends To cruelty , had some intemperate rage Purpled my hand in murther ( though the guilt Would have beene written in a larger Text In Conscience blacke booke ; yet the punishment Had not bin halfe so hideous . I should for that Have suffered but a temporary paine At worst ; and my truely repentant soule Perhaps have had free entrance to the place consign'd to penitents , when now , like so me Manacled Captive , or diseased wretch , On whom each minute does beget a death : I like a slow fire by my owne soft flames , With Tortoyse speed extinguish . Know . Sir , your words are superficiall , as a shadow which The morning Sunne produces and blacke night Renders forgotten : and no more excite Beliefe in me : that what you utter truth , Then Mand rakes groanes doe a conceite of death In persons resolute , while I have yet A specious memory left , that once my heart Tendred you dearly ; I would counsell you First to indeavour to finde out that maid , ( If that succeed not ) not to thinke on me , As one affianc'd to you by a neerer interest then other women Are that never had conversation with you . Free . Had a frost , sharpe as a tedious winters Northerne blasts , Congeal'd your mercy , my unfained teares Should with moyst warmth dissolve it , mistris you Approach so neare the attributes of heaven , That had you liv'd i th' superstitious age , More pretious gums had fum'd upon your altars , Then on all female deities . O forgive me , A rigorous tyrants breath will scarce pronounce For one and the first crime , so strict a sentence : You shall not goe yet if you will recall it , Lovers will blesse your piety , and sub scribe to your Superlative goodnesse . Know .

Pray desist , affoord me liberty to retire , I cannot alter my resolution .

Free . Yet reclaime it ; some divells spleene has lately fraught Your brest , and banish'd thence milde de pitty , ( boistrous winds , Force so the gentle and untroubled seas , To swallow up some ships , its naturall calmenesse Would have transported safely with their wealth To their desired harbors ) were my thoughts , Not fix'd with that religion upon you That are my prayers ( when I repent ) on heaven , I should not thus transcend the lawes and strength Of manhood , and like some distressed babe Left by its parent to the desolate woodes , Or ayres cold charity , so long implore A new and holier union twixt our soules , Then ere had link'd them which when you have tied , Time shall depend like summer on your brow , And your whole life be one continued youth , ( Such were the springs in paradise ) and when You passe to be a sharer in heavens blisse , Virgins and innocent lovers spotlesse teares , Hardned to pearle by the strong heat of sighes Shall be your monument . Know . I shall relent spight of my setled will , if be continue These moving supplications : Sir because You shall not blame my cruelty , or judge T is for regard of any thing but my honour , I doe forsake you , if ere to morrow night You finde that woman , get her to renounce Freely her title to you , I agen On promise of your future loyalty Will stand the triall of your wavering faith , Perhaps be yours agen : you have Receiv'd my utmost meaning , Exit Know. Free . How I adore This constancy of worth in her , though It make against myselfe , well I must to my taske , That labour 's richest that most paines doth ask . Explicit Actus tertius .
Actus Quartus , Scena prima . Enter Doctor and Lady Yellow . Doct. T IS a strange humour Madam , and condemnes Your judgement of much indiscretion , Did I not know it lawfull ; nay no way But that for the recovery of your health , I should not urge it thus , you are lately falne Into a desperate melancholy , and your blood Can no way purge so well as by Performance of what I have declar'd . Lady . Truth sir I weigh not at so high a rate , my life That to prolong it to an irkesome age , I should destroy my honour , neither doe I Finde any such strange sickenesse raining on me As you have urg'd ; pray as you love me sir , Unlesse you meane to drive me from The house , repeate this argument no more . Enter Sir Martine and Vrinall . Vrin. Why looke you sir , my master has Perswaded her as much as lay in him , and He has a tounge able to cosen the divell : but t will not doe , She is too honest believe it , for your nephew Sir Martine , shee His kept her chamber ever since she came , None but my selfe has seene her . Sir Mar. It shall be so , the holy law of heaven Made us one individuall ; the strickt league 'twixt man and wife , ought to confine both soules To a most constant union , injur'd woman . Lady .

My husband and on the suddaine , speake you to me sir .

Vrin.

His mouth opend I me sure , sir the Dutch Gentleman .

Doct.

O my sonne Sconce , come hither Vrinall .

Lady . This acknowledgement cannot Be serious from him , good Sir Martine Has your wilde fancy not impos'd enough , Temptations on my fraylty that you come after So many strange indignities , againe to delude me . Sir Mar. T is misery of customary sinners when they meane A reall truth , then their precedent ills , Deprive it credit , Madam not that night , That sacred night which spred its starry wings , ( Like Curtaines shadowing the Altar ) ore Our Hymeneall couch , could witnesse more Sincerity of indissolving love 'twixt us , Then does this minute , if your soule , ( Which is so passive it may justly challenge A Martyrs temper ) can dispense with pas'd Absurd distastes , and like a Saint for humane Condition is too vengefull freely pardon What I amisse have acted . Lady . As you are my husband sir , and consequently my head . Vrin. How many Ladies in towne are of that minde . Lady . And ought to be the guider of my youth , I will not stand on that nice terme of honour , With you whom duty ties me to observe With more then superficiall care , t' injoyne A penance for your folly ; the light smoake Findes not a surer buriall in the a yre ( To whose embraces with ambitious haste . On azure wings it soar'd ) then has your guilt , In this forgiving bosome , this pure kisse seales the agreement . Sir Mar. She offred first too , and me thought she kis'd As she would eate my lips , the ravenous touch Sir Mar. starts . Of her hot flesh has seard me up like grasse In summer time , and her fowle breath like blasts Of Southerne windes , has quickned my dead fire Of jealousie , nay rais'd it to a greater Heat then my former . Lady . What ayle you sir on the suddaine ? Sir Mar. Viper , toad , out of my presence , ere my just wak'd Rage , get to its height , whence like a Falcon towring At full pitch ore the trembling fowle , it will sease on thee . Doct.

Madam t is best to leave him , I feare he 's absolutly franticke ; Vrinall looke to him , least he act some violence on himselfe , please your Ladiship withdraw .

Lady .

Soft patience guard my heart : wheres no offence , one safely may rely on innocence .

Exit Lady and Doctor . Vrin.

Why sir Martine , how doe you sir ? not speak ? now by my life , hee lookes like a staggerell newly come to his Hornes , flings his head just in that manner they do not touch the seeling , yet Sir Martine : in time they may be three and foure at top , and serve to hang hats and cloakes on in the best knights hall in towne .

Sir Mar.

O Vrinall .

Vrin.

O Vrinall , what a pittifull noate was there , that very sound has almost crack'd me to pieces : Sir Martine , good Sir Martine what ayles you ? or rather what ayles your wife , that you hum and haw so after kissing her , her breath is savory , I dare bee sworne shee has neither eaten Onions nor drunke Aqua-vitae .

Sir Mar. O no , she is like a too ripe , so extreamely sweet , Shee poisons like the hony which small Bees Sucke from the Aconite , the Panther so Breaths odors pretious as the Sarmaticke gums Of Easterne groves , but the delicious sent not taken in at Distance choakes the sense with the too muskie savor . Vrin.

You should have kis'd her as the Court fashion is , upon the cheeke , but pray sir , why are you so jealous : yet cannot prove your Lady has a trick with her toe , or turnes oftner then an honest woman ( if shee do ) had not you better like an old Stag , cast the cognisance of your order into the hedge , then like a wanton Pricket , runne full Butte at every one you meet , as who should say ; take notice of my horns . I am ashamed of it so I am .

S. Mar.

Do'st not believe I am ? a hideous cuckold .

Vrin.

And must you needs cry Cuckow therefore . There are knights in towne who know their Ladies to be Hens o th' game , and liue by tredding , yet like mettle Cockes they never hang the Gills for 't , they are sure faire Gamesters use to pay the boxe well : especially at In , and In , ( the Innes of Court Butlers would have had but a bad Christmas of it else ) and what care they , so they can purchase plush , though their wives pay i th' hole for it .

Sir Mar.

Can there be such monsters ?

Vrin.

Monsters , they are men Sir Martine , such as you are ; only they are velvet browd a little : but heare me Sir , if a man would venture faire offer to give a certaine knowledge of your wifes honesty .

Sir Mar.

Doe that , and be my genius Vrinall .

Vrin.

You would have an evill Angell of me , I le tell you sir , my master intends privately this night to wed his daughter to the Dutch younker Sconce , the house will be atquiet , and your Lady left alone in her chamber , her sister Mistris Knoworth , being to goe to Church with them .

Sir Mar.

What of this ?

Vrin.

Soft and faire Sir Martine , I will i th' evening steale you into the Ladies chamber when she 's in bed , come to her , and in the darke , ( that 's the only time to deale with a woman ) ( and as another man ) trie what you can doe with her : if she consent ( the worst ) you doe but cuckold your selfe , if hold out , being a woman alone , in bed , and in the dark having a man standing by her , you may then conclude her an honest wife , and your jealousie foolish , as your vexation needlesse , you thinke I have no wit now I warrant .

Sir Mar.

According as my soule could wish .

Vrin.

Why law you then , who 's the foole now ? Sir Martine come in the evening , I will not faile you .

Sir Mar. Nor I hopes of triall , fare you well , A jealous man has in his heart his hell . Ex. Sir Mar. Vrin.

well knight , if I doe not fit your jealous head , let me bee sung in ballads for an erranter coxcombe then your selfe .

Enter Mistris Artlesse , Mistris Mixum , and Dalinea . Mist. Art .

Well said minx , you will not have him : but you had best consider and doe as I and your father would have you : or you shall trudge for it , you shall be his wife .

Mist. Mix.

Nay in sadnesse Mistris Dal. you are too blame , the gentleman is an honest gentleman , I and a kinde man I warrant him to a woman ; your mother and I have made triall of him , and finde him of a very good disposition , come chicke you shall have him .

Mrs. Art .

Nay let her chuse and bee hangd , proud baggage who will refuse a gentleman of my owne chusing , but I le send him to you and see if thou darst deny him , for thy life , come Mistris Mixum .

Exeunt Mistris Artlesse and Mistris Mixum . Dal. Was ever innocent virgin thus betrayd By cruelty of parents , who for wealth Have sold my youth to slavery , the cold Ashes of injurd maids surround my heart , Or some divine dew , stead of blood replenish My swelling veins , circle my thought with Ice , Thou power of chastity , that like the fresh Primrose uncropt , by any hand , I may Returne my selfe as pure and white To earth , as when I came from 't . Vrin.

How doe you Mistris Dal. alasse poore gentlewoman , would they have thee coverd with a Frisland horse , a Dutch Stallion : now shame upon their soules that wish it , he 's neighing here already .

Enter Sconce . Scon.

Vrinall , my cosen Fortresse and the rest o th' Knights will be here presently ; pray you prepare the musicke and the wine , I would not faile in the most diminute ceremony .

Vrin.

Of a most absolute coxcombe , I shall provide them sir .

Exit Vrinall . Dal.

Now begins my horror , the fatall Bell should it proclaime my death , were spheare-like musicke to his night-crowes voyce ; yet I must heare it and retaine my sense , continue subject to a daily noyse from the ill boding monster .

Scon.

Lady or Madamosell , Vfroe or Seniora , what you please , or in what language to be entituled the Mistris of my thoughts , the complemental garbe is customary , and though I have learn'd by conversation with the Twibill Knights to kisse my hand , believe me I had rather bestow my lips on yours ; our naturall Dutch contracting is the best , without deceit or shadow , there we only goe to th' taverne and be ungue browd , then drunke together . Ther 's all our ceremony , and t is lawfull marriage too .

Dal.

Would you would sir , better consider with your selfe and match where your own customes are observ'd , my feare my quality will never suite the liking of your Dutch manners .

Scon.

Manners Lady , you mistake I 've none at all ; ere we will disagree about manners , I le be as clownish as an Upland Bore , foutra , tell a Dutch man of manners ?

Dal.

Yet sir have so much charity .

Scon.

We detest that worse then the former , t is Papisticall , and was with that religion banish'd our reform'd Common-wealth : but to our businesse , pretty soule , I shall give thee touch mon and get a burger of thee .

Dal. Gentle sir , there ought to be in manhood a divine Pitty , believe me as I tender truth , I cannot set the smallest of my thoughts On your ill welcome love , therefore I beseech you Not to proceed in my unfortunate match Which will be fatall to us both , for goodnesse Have so much mercy on me . Scon.

An excellent touch that , as if there could be mercy in a Dutch-man , and to a woman ? if there had beene any , the Nuns at Tilmont had not beene us'd so horribly last summer : why should you say you cannot love me t is a false touch I me certaine of it , I shall know anone , till when receive your lips in pledge that no such words shall issue forth of them , adiew Lady , anone we must to the old touch of Matrimony .

Ex. Sco. Dal The hand of death Shall give me first a bride to some darke grave , Where I will mixe with wormes before the Priest Knit so unjust an union , the kinde grasse Will sure be greene still on my Sepulchre , and spotlesse Virgins annually dance a fairy ring about it . Enter Vrinall and Popingay in disguised clothes . Vrin.

Now if you doe not catch a Roach in her troubled waters , I shall conclude you a gudgion : speake to her ; a woman has ever a hole open to receive a mans tale , believe it you shall have my assistance , and if I doe not second you confidently , may my tongue be cramped , my wit breech'd ; and the machina of my invention ruind perpetually .

Pop.

Fairest creature .

Dal. Had you said wretched'st , Mistris you had given me My proper attribute . Pop. Can there be on earth , A savagenesse so great as will conspire To afflict so rich a goodnesse ? yet by your eyes Adorn'd by those cleare pearles which doe transforme Even sorrow to a lovelinesse beyond Indifferent beauty , I conceive some fiend Rested in humane shape ( for man would never Have dar'd so vile a sacrilege ) in hope By your pure teares , t' extinguish his owne flames Caus'd this distemper in you . Vrin. Pish you are long to speed , be Short and quick , that pleases Ladies . Pop. I had a younger brother , though not fully blest In your sweet knowledge , yet once his tounge Was his hearts bold embassador , and deliver'd A true narration of his zealous love , Which is in him so permanent , that when his eares receive a notice that your faith Is plighted to another , t will be juice Of balefull hemlocke to his braine , convert it Either to suddaine madnesse or a sleep , cold and erelasting . Dol. I remember once a nephew of Sir Martines did sollicit That which he term'd my love , but I conceiv'd His meaning rather was to cause discourse , Then that his strict intention had resolved His promises performance . Vrin. Did I not tell you she would come about ? Pop. Trust me Lady , the solitary Nightingale who sings To her lost honour a harmonious ditty , Loves not the thorne so dearely , to whose pricks She sets her featherd bosome , as I me sure My brother tenders you , the gawdy light May sooner be obscur'd by wandring smoake : Nay the eternall essence of the soule Become corporeall and revisite earth , After its flight to paradise , ere he Descend to variation of his love , could you affect him . Dal. Had your brother been Of the same disposition and soft sweetnesse That I perceive in you ( though this be our First enterview ) there could not have beene molded ( Had I beene borne to entertaine loves heat ) A man that would so fitly sympathize With my condition , nor whom I should fancy With more intire perfection . Vrin. Strike home , and sure the iron 's hot already , Pop. Behold him Lady , Whose every motion does as from the spheare , Receive a lively influence from your lookes ; The modest silence of the temperate Even , When zephire softly murmures to the flowers A wholesome farewell undisturb'd by stormes , May sooner rest in one continued night , Then can my soule in quiet without just Assurance of your love , which if you grant , Times native Belman , the shield Organd Cocke Shall cease to carroll Muttens to the morne , The earely Larke that whispers to the Sun A constant Augury of a beauteous day , Shall lose his light plumes in the checkerd Clouds , Ere I my resolute chastity , nor can you Invent evasions to declare my suite , Since on its grant relyes the only hopes Of your redemption from the barbarous armes , Of him you were espous'd to . Dal. This surprize , And your strong vowes would batter a resolve , Downe in a brest that could be flexible To easy love , but since I cannot frame My conscience to a warrantable zeale Toward any man , I le rather fixe my hate ( For that must of necessity accrue To him that weds me ) on a person worthy Contempt , then on your selfe , whose worth do's challenge A noble and reciprocall regard For your affection , blessings on ye sir , thinke not amisse of me . Exit Dalinea . Vrin.

Now the curse of a tedious virginity light on ye , you will not be tupped by a Dutch Ram , a Hausen Kender , a West-fally Bore-pig , now the iniquity of a swagbellied Hollands Burgers get thee with childe of a dropsie , if thou marriest him , why how now Master Popingay , stroken with a Plannet ? t is a female Star , as changeable as the Moone , goe to your chamber , I heare company approaching , this Dutch Butter-Firkin shall bee melted to grease ere he shall have her , trust to it .

Pop. Passion on passion fall when hopes are spent , The best of comforts is a forc'd content . Exit . Vrin. So here comes my blades , now plot but hit , And Vrinall shall be stil'd the Lord of wit . Exit . Enter Sconce , Fortresse , and Knights . Scon.

Cosen Fortresse welcome , welcome Captaine Pirke , valiant brothers , nay gentlemen , then your accoutrements be of the vulgar cut , be not daunted , t is hereditary to Low Country souldiers to weare off reckonings , the time shall come the little worme shall weave , and silken tribute pay to men of service , give me your hands gentlemen , I shall be one of you anone , but Cosen Fortresse , what bashfull youth is that that dares not thrust his nose out of his coate , for feare the winde should blow it to his face , ha ?

Fort.

T is flat enough already , this my Jo , nay show thy Phisnomy , h 'is our quondam trusty attendant , but now Knight of the Twibill , Pithagoras Pig .

Scon.

Is this the famous off-spring of great hog ? we should be kindred certainely , my Ancestors were Bores , give me thy forefoot sirrha , and tell me coz , why dost not wander into a new skin ? this begins to crackle vilely .

Pirk.

O t is for want of basting sir .

Fort.

No my Jo , hee casts his skin but once a yeare , like the poore snake : well , he has done our Order speciall service ; but coz , where are the preparations the vancarriors coz , to the solemnity of your instalment ? renounce me , if you vilifie the institution by disregard of properties , this hand shall never crosse the Twibill ore thy head , nor give thee thy avant chevalier , while thou art mortall my Jo , I say I shall not .

Pirk.

No matter sir Sconce , by the head of valor , my selfe shall dub thee .

Fort.

Who you King Twadle ? Mushrome you dub him ?

Pirk.

Yes , I Gog , Magog , I dub him Garantua .

Ent. Vrin. Scon

Nay good cosen Fortresse , Captaine Pirke , this Vrinall I could e'ne fill him to the brim with curses , but here 's my agent ; come where are the musitioners Vrinall ?

Vrin.

They will bee loud enough by and by , I warrant you .

Fort.

This is legitimate blood of the Spanish grape my Jo.

Scon.

Lusty sacke credit me coz , t will give the touch , Vrinall make fast the doore , and leave us , and give us notice if any body approach .

Vrin.

What haste this gull makes to cheat himselfe in private , must the musicke enter ?

Exit Vrin. Fort. No by no meanes , wee l call to them through the doore , varlet avoide . Now coz , to beginne our ceremony ; first , drinke to me . Scon :

I like it well when it begins with drinks , t is a signe t will end merrily ; this cup is abominable to little , one can scarce wet his whistle out of it , it shall be this goblet , a vostre grace , coz Fortresse .

Fort.

Sir Pithagoras we doe create you skinker , it shall goe round my blades , you shall dible in liquor of account ; here brother Make-shift .

Make,

Gramercies Captaine .

Pirk.

Choake you sir , learne manners , offer to drinke before betters , t is an affront to seniority , destroy me if I can suffer this , no forsake me Captaine I cannot .

Scon.

There was a touch for you brother Makeshift , but good little Pirke be patient .

Mak.

This Preface is very Cannonical my Io , nay , I shal learn the phrases instantly .

Pig .

Have you all had it brothers ?

Pig .

All but my selfe Sir Holofernes .

Scon.

Who my coz Pig , off sup off thy wash my Jo , at worst thou canst but be swine-drunke ; but coz , shall we dispatch ? I long to be instald .

Fort.

I now we 'l to 't , come hither Captaine , sing the hymne preparatory to Knight-hood , but wet your pipes first , Ganimed , they 'l squeake the better .

Scon.

An admirable touch this , what 's next troe ?

Song . Fort

Now coz Sconce , our Order does constraine us to a frisk , a dance about you , as the Fairies tred about their great King Oberon .

Pirk.

But can this musicke play the Twibill dance , none else will satisfie .

Scon.

Musicke you must play the Twibill dance he sayes , dance so while .

Dance .

They dance , the wine shall tread a sink apace into my belly , you have lost one of your best heels cosen .

Fort.

No me Jo , t was off before the ceremony is halfe accomplish'd , you are our wardrope keeper , brother Knockedowne have you brought the vestments of our Order ?

Knocke.

Fuse Captaine not I .

Pirk.

Rot me sir , you would be made to fetch them .

For.

How , not our robes of honor the ensignes of our chevalry ?

Knock.

Sinke me , sir you know they are in tribulation .

For.

Hell take the Broker : we must perforce imploy one of our owne suits .

Knock

Take my Buffe Jerkin Captaine .

Make.

Death keepe it on , you 'll shew your dirty shirt .

Pirke .

Found you sir , you lye : I fathome in your guts , hee has none on .

Make.

How , sonne of foule Adultery , the lye ?

For.

What doe you blunder , whifflers Pigge , are you grunting too : shall I whet my Twibill on your bones mips of debility ?

Scon.

Nay , Cosen , Gentlemen rather than you shall fall out , I le be content to bee dub'd in my own cloathes : nay pray you Gentlemen .

For.

T is against order , and we must observe ceremony .

Scon.

O by all meanes Coz .

For.

First then receive this cap of maintenance .

Scon.

Cap of Maintenance doe you call it ? I will maintaine when this old Cap was new , 't was a Dutch felt , but now t is nine degrees below a straw Hat ; I doe not like this touch : but Coz I shall have my Bever agen I hope ?

Fort.

How ? suspitious my Io: Brother Knockdowne disroab his necke of this old linnen , savours of a winding-sheet : this is Decimo Sexto , feares no rumpling : Now Cosen Sconce , you must discusse your doublet .

Scon.

That will be damn'd instantly ; pray heaven my skinne scape .

For.

Here sir , receive this Military Cassocke , 't has seene service .

Scon.

'T has been shot through both the Elbowes ; this Military Cassocke has I feare , some Military hangbyes : this Twibill Knight-hood is but a lousie Order , would I had he're medled with it .

Fort.

Now you appeare something above an Embrio : Make-shift helpe to untrusse his breeches .

Scon.

I shall be whipt instantly : But Cozen Fortresse , is there no redemption for my Breeches ?

Pirke .

Sume me Captaine , t is not requisite he should put off his Breeches .

Scon

Thankes good Captaine Pirke , t was a friendly touch that

Pir.

May not his transitory money serve to excuse his breeches ?

Fort.

To him it may .

Pir.

A Twibill Knight ought to regard no money , but the glistring steele .

Scon.

Well , since it must be so , there take my money .

Knock.

Paw sir , you lose the priviledge of the Order , if you respect your money .

Scon.

Now doe I looke like — as if I were new come from the Lottery : or what say you Sir Holofernes , to the Picture of the Prodigal in the painted Cloath ? Sure I have now perform'd all the Ceremonies ; if not , I me sure I have nothing else left to performe withall .

Fort.

So , now kneele downe , while thus I thee create : Ieremias Sconce , Knight of the order of Twibill . Now avaunt Chevaleire .

Omn.

Health to our worthy Brother , Ieremias Sconce , Knight of the Twibill .

Fort.

But brothers , there is Sacke yet to be drunke , in Celebration of this Knight-hood ,

Scon.

I like this drinking heartily ; there 's some goodnesse in 't : will you beginne , my Captaine Generall ; I le call you so now .

Fort.

Pythagoras , fill his Bowle up . Capt. . Pirk this Cornucopia To my Leiftenant Generalls health : I le call you so now .

Scon.

A place of Marke and Charge that .

Pirke .

Man of valour , respect this Cup to the health of our Leift. Generall Generall .

Mark.

A vous brother Knockdowne .

Knock.

Here Sir Barrabas .

Scon.

Altogether gentlemen , a health Musitians , sound . Gentlemen all tres humblement serviture vostre : I ha done you right .

Fort.

Expect me Io ; heart of my father , you must for consummation of your installment , drinke a cup a piece to each of us .

Scon.

T was my intention Generall : to you all in generall , helpe Pith . let it be be two Captaine , t is pitty to put so many worthy men in a pint pot .

Perk.

Soule of my valour , y' are ship'd sir , you must drinke five together .

Scon.

Y' are wanton Captaine , a wag upon my Knight-hood , you meane to measure the profundity of my belly , t will bee a hard taske to doe it to a Dutch-man — looke you Captaine .

Fort.

Thou shalt be my Bacchus Io , he drinkes as if hee had eaten Pickle Herring .

Scon.

This Cup was as deepe as Fleet-street Conduit . Sound me my Io , I ha' made a new River in my Belly , and my Guts are the Pipes : Tother cup good wreckling , vertue shall be vertue still , so long as I can stand Captaine .

Fort.

That will not be long I hope .

Enter Vrin. Scon.

This Coller spoyles my drinking , or else this Sack has horse-flesh in 't , it rides upon my stomacke . O Vrinall , I me a Knight of the Twibill honest Vrinall .

Vrin.

Take heede you 'll crush me sir to pieces . Gentlemen yonder are the Constables at the doore to apprehend Captaine Fortresse .

Scon.

Some more sacke sirrah , I shall be married anon .

For.

That 's I , t is for the linnen brothers : Hell my Io , how shall I scape them ?

Scon.

More Sacke sirrah , the tother touch sweet Pig , the tother touch .

Vrin.

There is no way but one sir , they have beset the house ; my Master is perswading them . Follow mee , I le by a backe way set you safely out with your company .

For.

Noble Vrinall : come Blades here 's purchase for us .

Exit Vrinall cum Knights . Scor.

This is but foure Cups captaine Cosen Pigge . Skinke my parting Cup , and then I me gone : ha ! where be you Gentlemen , I am not blinde , or play you at Boe-peep ? they are gone , this is a pretty touch , my touch my Io , with my money and Cloathes , a pretier touch still , let me see , they have left some Sacke behind them , there 's my comfort yet .

Ent. Poping . and Lovring in womans cloaths . Who 's this ? my wife that must bee . Come hither wife , thou seest the worst of me

I am but drunke : Kisse me Borankee : never feare , I will not spoyle thy gorget . Hark in thy eare my Io , shall I have a gentle touch ? t will doe no harme , wee are to be marryed anon thou know'st ; I shall get wise children on thee .

Lov

What wouldst thou ravish me libidinous Swine ? Strive , and thou dyest .

strikes up his heeles . Scon.

T was an unkinde touch that , my Io , you might have falne under me , 't had beene the fitter place for a woman , ( pray helpe me up agen .

Lov.

Yes , to thy death , if thou deny t' performe what I enjoyne thee .

Scon.

How , kill a knight of the Twibill , and in the Ensignes of his owne Order , ere it shall be said to the disgrace of Knight-hood , that any of the fraternity was kild by a woman , I le doe any thing : Lead on , I le follow you .

Pop. Thus they must strive , Who in loves subtle Merchandise will thrive . Exeunt . Explicit Actus quartus .
Actus Quintus , Scena prima . Enter Doctor , Vrinall , Mris. Artlesse , and Mris. Mixum . Doct. THis stealth was unexpected , t is almost Beyond beliefe , my daughter should thus change Her perverse humour , and embrace his love Which when I motion'd to her , the darke shade Seem'd not a greater enemy to blest light Than she appeard to it : and that she should Cosen my hopes , and without me her mother , Or any friend resigne her will to his , And strike the match up , puzzles my best faith , Though I rejoyce at it . Vrin

You have reasons sir to doe so , your daughter had more wit then you expected , t is the quality of maids , to deny what they desire : had you but seene how nimbly shee trod over the threshold ; you would have sworne she had beene mad of the match : I stood and heard him aske her : shall wee goe to the Church answerd she , is t not too late quoth he agen , never too late to doe well replied she agen : ( though it were at midnight ) and then the Dutch younker tooke her up into a ( what doe you call it ) a sedan ( and heaven speed ) away they went , marry to what Church , he 's gone I know not , only I heard him sweare he would not come at Pencridge .

Mrs. Art .

And why not ; t is an ancient Church , and all old things must not be cast away , there has beene many an honest couple given to the lawfull bed there , so there has .

Vrin.

No matter for that , he protested he would be marryd in a Taverne ere that pencridge , there 's no drinke nere it ; but at the Pinder of Wakefield , and that 's abominable , and he has vowd to season their bargaine with a cup of Sacke ere they returne .

Mist. Art .

Hee will not bee drunke on 's wedding night I hope ; my daughter would have a sweet bed-fellow of him , if he should .

Vrin.

There is another loving couple gone with them too for company , who will be man and wife if the Priest say Amen to it .

Doct.

who are they of our knowledge ?

Vrin.

O yes sir , t is Master Lovering , the attendant to Master Knoworth , and Sir Martines Niece that came but yesterday .

Doct.

Is 't possible ? t was some slie policy of her Uncles to bring her hither , Master Lovering knew her before it seemes .

Vrin.

Too well I feare sir , they would not have marryd in such post haste else .

Mrs. Mix.

Well Master Doctor , I hope my gloves shall bee better then the ordinary , I had no small hand in this match , you know .

Doct.

T is nine a clocke at least : t will not belong ere they returne , wife pray goe in and see all things in readinesse for their lodgings .

Mist. Art .

They will have more stomacks to their beds then to their suppers .

Doct.

To morrow we 'l celebrate their nuptiall feast : Vrinall be you carefull of the doores ; let none come in but our owne company .

Vrin.

I le locke them up , and keepe the keyes my selfe sir , Mrs. Mixum your husband is with them , and in his absence I would desire a word with you .

Mrs. Mix.

I love to talke with any man in my husbands absence ; sweet Vrinall I will fulfill your pleasure , will you goe Mistris ?

Ex. Vrin. Mrs. Art . & Mrs. Mix. Vrin.

So now have at her .

Doct. Have I not plotted finely ? has my braine not won the lawrell garland the famd breath That wafts the honor of deserving wits Among the humorous multitude ( as lowd As it speakes conquering triumphs ) shall proclaime My politicke merit , who have raised my selfe From worse then no name in the judging world , To an indifferent wealth , which though i ve got By wayes sinister , such as erre from truth : Nay might incurre a punishment no eyes Has ere discern'd them , but with wonder how I should atchieve such fortune , now compleat In this alliance . Enter Lady Yellow and Knoworth . Lady . Sister , let 's to our chambers and to bed , That time approaches . Doct. Your good Ladiship ( I hope ) will honour me so much As for an houre to dispense with rest , And see my bride in bed . Lady . Your bride good Master Doctor , who should that be ? I understand you not . Doct. My daughter Ladies , that to me And all the house seem'd so averse from marriage , Is this night stolne forth with younker Sconce , And is by this time wedded to him . Lady . Beyond wonder , well sir , We 'l have her bride garters , it shall goe Hard else , sister could you have thought it ? Doct. You may both credit it , instantly they will returne , and Then I le wait upon you . Exit Doctor . Lady . I pitty the poore girle , That she should be so suddaine in her choyce , Enthrall her soule i th' manacles of fate , ( For such are nuptiall bonds ) experience sister Inforces me to lament her Know Know. How equally we two Divide true , sorrow sympathize in griefe , As in our blood and nature : sister you When your affectionate fancy fix'd your heart Upon your husbands love , had no suspition Of his unmanly jealousie , and I When I confin'd my love to Free Freewit's breast , Judg'd him as void of falshood , as the spring When it has rested in green robes the Earth is Of bare nakednesse , but we are both Deceiv'd by our credulity . Lady . For you , discretion may release you from the care Of his affection , you are free ( as light ) ( Which in the darkest night retaines some splendor ) From the obedient slavery , due to marriage ; But I no burne-markd captive is engag'd With more officious zeale to serve his Lord , Then I my husband , I must either perish Like the chaste ice , when from a Christ all Rocke , It feeles a sad conversion into fowle Corrupted waters , by his jealous flames ; Or breake those ties whose dissolution Would betray my innocent vertue to a ruine , Sure and eternall . Know. But yet counsell me , I love this man so that if honour would Dispense with his offence , I should forgive him , And take him to my bosome Lady . Alasse you cannot , What noble soule ( though halfe starv'd ) would be fed with Base reversions , conscience too forbids . Enter Vrin. The supplantation of another , sister strive to forget him Vrin.

Mrs. there is a gentleman without , this knockt for entrance as if he had beene a Constable , his businesse is with you , and his name Freewit ; I told him you were in bed and he swore he would come to you through the doore , shall I admit him ?

Know .

This is his last night , his businesse carryes weight , pray let him in . Be now propitious Love : is any with him ?

Vrin.

There is enough of him , unlesse he made lesse noise . I le send him to you .

Lady . Sister , now give him his latest answer , and resolve Upon some choise more happy : here he comes . Enter Freewit : Know . How , as a Bridegroome ? Deckt with the Ensignes of young Nuptialls , A wreath of Flowers , and Bayes , and yet me thinkes His hand displayes a Willow : what should this Embleme ? Master Freewit we scarce expected you thus late . Free . You 'll please to afford my manners an indulgent pardon , For pressing to your presence thus : but t is Perhaps our extremest enterview , and so May challenge the prerogative of excuse , For the audacious errour . Know .

Would I could , with as much safety to my honour , grant Remission to your other fault .

Free . My thanks , are humble debtors to you for it , Mistris , The nimble minutes have with crafty theft , Stolne time away , reduc'd your limited houre To an unwelcome period : I have sought With the same diligence good men seeke heaven , What you injoyn'd me , but the raine that falls In Summer time upon the parched dust , May easier be restor'd to the moyst Clouds , Then she to my discovery . Wherefore since Her losse is certaine , and the losse of you Depends on her , to satisfie your soule That I have man about me , I am come With the same confidence your scorne has taught me , To tell you , I as lightly prize your love , As you have valued mine , nor can you blame me , since 't was your owne desire . Know . Credit me I 'me very glad on 't : but pray tell me sir , Why you come thus adorned with Nuptiall wreathes Into my presence ? is 't to invite me to your wedding , or expression Of your contempt , I have not merited so harsh an usage . Free . Neither : This branch of forsaken Willow I resigne To your owne wearing , that when after times Shall know our mutuall parting ; 't may report , That we were both forsaken , though we sever With the unwillingnesse that flourishing trees , Divest themselves of greenenesse , yet no blemish Of harsh unkindnesse shall defile our thoughts : We 'll part faire , though for ever . Lady .

This gentleman seems so noble , I repent that I advis'd her from him .

Free . This Laurell wreath , that circles My uncaptiv'd brow , I doe justly challenge , Since I have conquerd the greatest enemy , Mankind can combate ( passion ) yet the dew ( That on the red lips of the blushing Rose Bestowes a weeping kisse ) leaves not so sadly The amorous flower , that curles its purple leaves , To hide it from the Suns enforcing Rayes , As doe my thoughts your memory , which did once Preserve it as inviolable , as heaven Does the bright soules of innocents . Kno. You might Have had so much humanity , as to have kept Your purpose to your selfe : though your loose sinne Constraines my honour to renounce your love , I would not have my eares disturb'd with this Relation of your contempt , for so Trust me I take it Freewit . Free . Why , good Madam ? can you condemne my too officious truth , Of a conceite of falshood , when the spring Of my Revolt , derives its head from yours . You for a triviall , and scarce knowne offence , Could without scruple banish me your heart , When Angels should , for a desertlesse kisse From an impure lip , have renounc'd their blisse , Ere the most urgent reason of suspect , Should upon me have practis'd a contempt Of you : Had not your breath expos'd a mist Of infidelity before the eyes Of my cleare seeing soule , and left it blinde As the blacke Mole , that like a Pioner digs A winding Labyrinth through the earth to finde A passage to the comfortable light , He never has fruition of . Lady . But sir , suppose my sister did it for a proofe , Of your affection , and now should reclaime The harsh prescription she impos'd , you would not Continue in this temper . Free . Madam ever . The Cedars juyce , whose bitter poyson gives The most strong body unavoyded death , Preserves the Carcasse by its dying force , Voyd of corruption : so has dealt her love With me ; its reclamation strucke me dead , And since my Exequies has kept my heart From entertaining a corrupt regard Of future slavery , Enter Doct. Vrin. Mris. Artlesse . Vrin.

They are entred , sir , I heard Mr. Mix . say as I let them in , that they were marryed .

Enter Mixum with a Torch , Popingaies in Sconce his cloaths , leading Dalinea : Lovering leading Sconce attired in Poping . womans cloaths . Mix.

Nay , come an end gentlemen and your wives , Mr. Doctor wil not be angry though I have usurp'd his office , and beene the father to his daughter .

Doct.

You are not a cunning baggager you would none forsooth when I propos'd it to you ; but when the fit came on you , you could then runne madding , and never let the Sexton ring the Bell to give us notice : had it beene any one but Mr. Sconce , you should have fought a portion ; but since to him , we pardon it : take her sonne , heavens give thee joy of her .

Vri.

You would scarce say so , knew you as much as I doe .

Pop.

We thanke you sir , and rest your dutifull children .

Lad.

Ha ! my Nephew Popingay !

Doct.

Mr. Popingaies . Sir Maritimes Nephew ! I am abus'd , undone , my daughter 's cousend Vrinall , a trick put on mee , Mr. Popingay to wed my daughter .

Pop.

T was with her owne consent Sir , and she my wife by your free gift .

Mrs. Art .

Your wife , your whore she is as soone , she is Master Sconces wife , and that you shall finde , so you shall , let me come to the baggage husband , I le scratch her eyes out .

Doct.

Ere he shall injoy her , I le spend the best part of my wealth he shall not have a penny portion with her , depart my house I charge you Vrinall call in my neighbours , ere I 'le be us'd thus .

Vrin.

Harke you sir , you know I know you and your wayes .

Vrin

Doct. What talk'st thou varlet ?

Vrin.

Goe to , be patient , then give this gentleman your daughter ; nay be friends , and love him too , or all shall out .

Doct.

Thou wilt not betray me villaine ?

Vrin. But I shall discover you and your practises , nay to the Justice , This gentleman is the same Sir Martin brought hither as his Niece . Doct.

Plots upon plots against me .

Vrin.

But the great one is still behinde : if you will be friends quickly with them , so ; if not , your impostures all come out .

Doct. Is it even so ? well since I am ore-reach'd . Better sit downe in peace , than with disgrace : Mr. Popingay consideration of your just desert , Now his perswasion has suppress'd my heat , Enjoyns me to forgive your loving theft ; Accept my daughter with as good a heart As she is mine : come hither wife , say you so too ? Mris. Art .

Nay , since you say it , it must be so .

Pop. Humbly I thanke you : such another gift , Should Nature offer all her pretious store , Could not be given Mortality : but truely sir , I had much adoe to winne her . Dal. You have me now ; But I professe untill we came to be Conjoyn'd i th' Church , I tooke you for Mr. Sconce , but now rejoyce I was deceived so , I shall study to love you . Doct.

Now you name , where is Mr. Sconce ?

Scon.

T is my cue now . O father I me here they have given mee a touch , a very scurvy touch , I am a brother of the Twibills , and I am married too , but I need not feare being a Cuckold .

Vrin.

Mris. you know the Gent.

Know . My servant Lovering married to Mr. Sconce ! You 'll get brave boyes I doubt not . Scon.

I and wenches too ; come hither , we will be man and wife , that 's certaine , nay and lie together , so we will , you shall behave your self well enough like a woman : but that you have a stiff impediment for-bearing Children : but give me thy hand , shal 's be drunk together ?

Vrin.

He is scarce sober yet I thinke .

Scon.

I le tell you father , ere I went to the Church I had gotten a touch in the Crowne , the Twibil Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me' drunke , and got my cloathes , and how I came by these I know not : But ha , let me see , this should be my suite , t is it , by valour it is : doe you heare good man Foxe , how crept you into this Lyons case ?

Pop.

What meanes this new married man ?

Scon.

Do you jeare me , with a touch of that ? harke you husband , Though I be your wife , you shall not hinder me from claiming my owne Breeches . Mistris a word with you too you put a gentle touch upon me did you not ? But I shall know you hereafter , I le say no more , and touch you boldly for it .

Lov.

Y' are very merrily dispos'd Sir : had it not beene to have done Sir Martines Nephew , I should not have beene fool'd so . I le trie his temper though .

Know . No matter Lovring thou art a Gent. And since I am resolv'd from Master Freewit , That hee le not have me now , ( though I were willing ) To toote the least remembrance of him Out of my breast , by this my happyer choyse , I le marry thee . Scon.

But let him marry you though if he dare , i le sue the Statute of Bigamy upon him , he shall be hang'd for being double marryed .

Free . In this one act She onely appeares woman , all her Saint , Speake her a Saint . I did not thinke her heart Could have resum'd ( though than rejected me ) A baser choyse , Sir you 've good Fortune : Mris I will not wish you ill successe in your So suddaine Love : but it was cruell in you To give away your soule , ( as in despight ) In my loath'd presence : yet to shew how much I prize your satisfaction , I resigne My interest in you to him , and thus freely Bestow him on you : will you have him Lady ? Pulls of Loverings Periwigs , he is discovered to be Martha . Lady . Heaven blesse me sister , this is the same maid Whom Master Freewit is reported to have Got with Child : this is strange . Free . Nay , be not amazed Mistris it is she : You had best call her to a strict account How long t is since I lay with her . Know . O Freewit , what meanes this mad delusion ? Scon.

My wife turn'd a woman indeed : this is a touch indeed , I had best bee gone , for feare she challenge me .

Vrin.

O stay your patience good Mr. Sconce .

Free . Now let heaven , and all that can be titled good beneath Divinity , conjoyne to frame a piece Of vertue great as this ; yet be deficient In the atchievement ; for some cunning Artist To draw her in this posture ( to be plac'd ( In Alablaster , white as her owne figure ) Or some greene meade or flowry valley , where Posterity of Virgins yearely might Offer a teare to the blest memory Of perfect feminine goodnesse . Let me dye , Gazing on you and I shall flye to heaven Through your bright eyes . Doct.

Sir , what meanes this extasie ?

Free . I le tell you , and Mrs trust each word , As the just accent of Oraculous truth : Knowing your ardent love to me , I feard It might embrace a change , and therefore shap'd this woman In the habit of a man got her unknowne to you , Prefer'd to serve you : ( which she could not have bin without Discovery , in her owne shape ) not to o're-looke your life . Or watch your actions , but to raise report That I had bin false : so to trye if that Would stagger your resolve , which I have founde So noble , that the happinesse of Fates , Can give no more addition to my blisse . Madam beg you my pardon . Know . O sir you have it , and I my best of wishes , but why did you Employ a woman thus disguis'd suppose She had beene got with childe you must Have beene the father of it . Free . I knew she was too honest , and beside , I put her to the acting of 't because She being the accuser of me for her selfe Might without the least scruple of suspect Free me from her owne calumny , nay here 's another , Can witnesse this for truth . Know

How Vrinall Master : Doctor 's man turnd to Tristram Mr. Freewits man , and Marthies brother ?

Vrin

So it appeares by the story Mrs. I am glad sir you put my sister in this disguise , she has got a good husband by the shift , take your wife sir , she is no worse a woman then my owne sister .

Scon.

But let me see and feele you better , it is no periwigge this but are you my husband , a woman ; wife ?

Liv.

I your wife am sir .

Scon.

Master Doctor you wish me well I know , I have married here I know not whom , you have excellent salves and unguents sir .

Doct.

They are at your service all .

Scon.

Thanke you good Mr. Doctor , have you never a one that will eat off the wen of manhood , make all whole before that will eunuchise a man , I would faine be a Hermaphrodite , or a woman to escape this match , I do not like it

Enter Mrs. Mixum . Mris. Mix.

Help gentlemen , help Mr. Doctor , yonder is a man would ravish me whether I would or no , nay kild me , I thinke he has puld out the longest naked weapon , O there he is .

Ent. S. Mar. drawne . S. Mar. She shall not scape me were she Fenc'd with fire , strumpet thou diest . Doct.

Who 's this , Sir Martin , what doe you meane sir ?

Mris.

I , this is he Thomas doe you see what a terrible thing hee has got ? was that fit to use to a woman ? I was but laid in the next roome , to sleepe , and he would have done something to mee so hee would had not I beene the honester woman .

Lady . Is 't so Sir Martine ? I have now just cause To suspect your loyalty , and that your fond Jealousie proceeds out of intemperate lust , Could I not serve , but underneath my nose You must be rioting upon another ? Sir Mart.

Shame and confusion sease me .

Vrin.

You may see Sir what comes of your jealousie , but feare not Sir , your wife will pardon it , there 's no harme done .

Mrs. Mix.

But there might have beene , had not my honesty been the greater .

Lady , Well Sir martine , though you have injurd Me most infinitly , I doe remit all if you will protest Nere to be jealous more . S. Mar. Amasement and my shame hinders my utterance , Let me breath in sighes my true repentance , And henceforth That jealousie in man if 't be injust Is ill , nay worse then in a womans lust . Know . But pray you brother , who brought you hither ? We shall rejoyce to have you at our wedding , And see this reconcilement . Vrin.

I Madam , I ; under pretence to have attempted his wife , but I sent him in to Mrs. Mixum , who I knew would fit his turne .

Mrs. Mix.

And so I could have suted him as well as another woman .

Scon.

Brother Vrinall you are a knave , brother Vrinall , and have showd all a cozening touch .

Vrin.

No sir I sav'd you from being cozend , my sister shall have some portion , here 's a hundred pieces in this purse .

Scon.

Sinke me my Jo , my owne purse .

Vrin.

It , is indeed Sir , I got it from your Twibill brothers , and this your watch too , and your cloths which Mr. Popingay weares , by locking them into a roome , and threatning punishment , if they denied , the blades shall now resume freedome , this key will let them out , come forth gentlemen , here is your brother Master Sconce .

Enter the Twibill Knights . Scon.

Captaine generall , give thy hand bully , Captaine Pirke , my cosen Pig , and all of you ; though you would have cheated me t is no matter , you shall dance at my wedding , and be drunke too , my Joe , you shall .

Pirk.

Confusion rot the bones of Vrinall perdition shall slay him ;

Free .

Madam I hope we shall keepe our nuptiall feast with Master Doctor .

Know .

As you dispose it sir , I have resign'd my will to yours .

Pop.

Unckle I hope you 'l pardon me , that I deceiv'd your expectation in watching my Aunt , she is too vertuous : father your blessing , and then we are happy .

Doct. Take it . Thus all are pleas'd I hope : what this night cannot ( For celebration of these feasts ) performe , To morrow shall , and from this minute I Renounce all waies sinister to get wealth Things that i th' period prosperously succeed , Though cros'd before , are acted well indeed . FINIS .
Machine-generated castlist A01773-sconce 144 A01773-urinal 102 A01773-doctor 64 A01773-fortress 48 A01773-popingay 47 A01773-freewit 44 A01773-lady 42 A01773-know-worth 35 A01773-martin 31 A01773-pirke 24 A01773-dalinea 21 A01773-mrs_artless 19 A01773-mrs_mixum 15 A01773-mixum 14 A01773-knockdown 6 A01773-lovering 4 A01773-makeshift 4 A01773-unassigned 3 A01773-pig 2 A01773-omnes 1 A01773-birke 1 A01773-dance 1 A01773-multiple 1
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welmand young man ) I should have presented you a wel-mand Hawke , or an excellent Courier , gifts Cour●er presented you a wel-mand Hawke , or an excellent Courier , gifts ( because more agreeable to your propenman I saw him sir , he was a proper man : but I thinke has not much more wit ●ane more wit then my selfe , he seemes of a good sane disposition , and may I believe , be led 〈◊〉 manhood enough to be an honest man : this is my opinion of him sir , when you see him you'l understand 〈◊〉 Enter Popingaie , Sir Martine Yellow as his man 〈◊〉 Enter Popingaie , Sir Martine Yellow as his man 〈◊〉 Enter Popingaie , Sir Martine Yellow as his man 〈◊〉 With licences , is not this house a receiptacle For sinners ? with 〈◊〉 Where one may do his businesse without fear of Marshall , Constable , or any one eleanely gentleman comes to take a purge , hee talkes so cleanely . 〈◊〉 this be ? Perhaps your most officious pander monsieur That for a shilling will betray his sister ●unne Shall I runne for the Bead les mistris ? Bead les Shall I runne for the Beadles mistris ? varle● me , doe you not keepe a pimping Roaring varlet noted as much as pig , have you not constant ●●uldiers as much as pig , have you not constant She souldiers in your citadell , none such , Had Hollands Scuirrels And the three Squirrels in the towne ; I warrant a very Sanctuary uneivill Sir , the uncivill language you have given me , Might justly morestirs stirre a passionate man to rage ; But it no more stirs me then the light wind , If you've who●e you've relation to the Lady Yellow : She's one whose vertues merit that respect , Twould be a ● expect Ile send her to you , shee'l shape you a Just answer , would she were as they suspect Na●ures transforme His essence by them : for a cuckold is Natures huge prodigy , the very abstract Of all Knowl●dge old tradition of this house invites your Knowledge to conceive for what I sent to speake with ▪ An excellent creature ; one whose meanest smile Would tempt a votary factress● Fix'd brow : yet I must tell you , you are a factresse of the Divells , one who fell damnation ●●so Ist so have at him , a strange complement to win discou●●e complement to win a Lady , Sir by your first discourse I had imagin'd You came to spend part of Ga● Can you be a woman , & utter this , the hot y●u Ga● you be a woman , & utter this , the hot desire here●ie whose ignorance may plead Excuse for thy fond heresie ; goe depart , Turne Eunuch and reserve voyee goe depart , Turne Eunuch and reserve thy voyce , perhaps I will purchase thee A petty Cannons ● Turne Eunuch and reserve thy voyce , perhaps I will purchase thee A petty Cannons place 〈◊〉 Ile cut off their discourse , if thee be right ile have my benefit out of her Know● worth you take cold here , your Sister , Mistris Know-worth expects you too within ; Gentlewoman you Dalin●a Exeunt Lady , and Dalinea . ●arbour successively , the spheare Has no such fire as I doe harbour here . pea●ly riotous drunkard ) his hot rayes Suckes up the pearly waters , if this Lady We are in her brest Iabor And you perhaps labor of some disease , And come to seeke for 〈…〉 man , the ill oppresses him , You by that Linea curva ith' altitude of your horoscope , Should be subject ●eale Neen up mine seale min here : ick neet , infection vanish I ●our him , and a hundred of his country men , your land would not be pestred so with butter-boxes Ier●my My name is Sconce sir , Master Ieremy Sconce , I am a gentleman of a good family end earement hansome one for my mony , it should be an endearement conspicuously trenching upon my gratitude scar●●r all , for Tom Mixums sake , were chambers scarcer , you should not be denyed . Vrinall bring Vri●all Exit Urinal . ●bin Doctor For an impostor : Though she have bin sicke , She might have found to remedy her Thomes sweetnesse ) Suffers no loath'd corruption . Thornes may gore With envious pricking , the discoloured 〈◊〉 Now in the name of madnesse what ailes this man ? Sir are you jealous of your wife Go●●combe Good Coxecombe hold thy pratling . blood● yet By nightly sursets forc'd my youthfull bloode To a distemper . etect Invoke your falsehood , if you dare erect On the blacke number of your heed lesse n●t Truth I shall not : the harmlesse Mirtle first shall live e●rly quickning moysture raises them to tell The early Violets they are not alone The Springs prime Antido●e speake it most sublime stuffe ; tis the rich Antidote that scorns the steele , and bids the Iron ▪ He ? a meere Digon a whee ; his salve , why it is Casebaby to my Masters he's● No , no , a very honest gentleman ; but he's , reported to have atchiev'd the salve in eur'd pricke ; was , when none else could doe it , cur'd by this Captaine . dow-back't Custards quake ith' Oven , and so come out bow-back't , whìch almost broke the poore Harlots . yousir I could e'ne weepe to tell you sir : tis suppos'd twill never recover the conoeite gentlemen and City wits , they are quite out of conceite with it . withoften fret else , like their taffata peticoats with often brushing up ; I will protest to you Exchage would make her a Lady , shee should be a new Exchange wench , your Citizens wives they are the beneach her , but if I should obtain the Neapolitan beneath , a creeke ith' backe , or so , from her sourvy backe , or so , from her , 'twould be but a scurvy touch , that for me , I should be forc'd perfest shall doe it , and thanke My memory , I am perfect in it , tis your most Accomplish'd language ●u & invite en tant de lieux que ie ne scay ou aller pour abrir mon sayn : a vn bewtie vons Si ié ne vous fay tratement t'el que A vous appartient , ie espere que vostre Noblez Brot●er Brother I admire A person of your breeding should ● Brother I admire A person of your breeding should prostiutes His prostitutes I might have said O creature , Who art so le●hargy , congeale thy blood . To an ere'lasting lethargy . The starres Like straglers , wander by Insmuate smiling Violets , till its brakish drops Insinuate among the tender leaves , And with its waight fow lenesse worded lust Could borrow to adorne its painted fowlenesse . theirforce meete tides In a contracted chanell , they their force , Resigne to th' wearing of the troubled vicio us relishes flattery for ought you know : I may be vicious . complementout Nay , and you begin to run a complement out of breath , You'l drive me hence indeed You ' l begin to run a complement out of breath , You'l drive me hence indeed : ( believe me sir secund●s Explicit Actus secundus . ●●guent am confident yet , there's no defect ith' unguent ; my blood , my blood is sure anathemated s●lve vertue and incomparable force of the divine salve . This Dutch blood of mine , guilty of Bacon Sof guilty of Bacon grease , and potted Butter — Soft , who are these ? my Cozen Fortresse , Generall I●emias Weather-cocke of my Kin , the noble Signeur Ieremias Sconce . leag●er Not know a Dunkirk upper garment , a leaguer Cloak ; behold my I● , this Cane , this I● upper garment , a leag●er Cloak ; behold my Io , this Cane , this staffe of office ; this don● 'Tshall be done after my wedding Cosen ▪ I have got , dost ▪ 'Tshall be done after my wedding Cosen . I have got , dost heare , sirrah Pirke a npon Certaine truth my Io : we met upon our grand Exchange last night , our place 〈◊〉 Mouse to the Elephant , borne to vexe him : but prethee for my sake let him read them . p●ethee Mouse to the Elephant , borne to vexe him 〈◊〉 prethee for my sake let him read them . wha● your wisedome should have well considerd at what charge they are , for coach or hand litter Musses at the best wrought Taffata , Foxe Skinne muffes , Moehaire peticoates , Bodkins and Croscloaths ●lanted city ware at Any rate . Besides while they slanted it in plush , 'Twas an abuse to gentlewomen Im●rimis Imprimis , I Captaine Furibundo Fortresse . Turk● He has more titles then the great Turk▪ ▪ Proceed sir . ▪ He has more titles then the great Turk . Proceed sir . husses And of the residue of the fraternities of huffes , diverse dammes and decoyes , sole sultan bu●y Nay there are others too , bury not their appellations in oblivion , they erest jugs the supporters , and a Twibill for the crest , and given the second day of this present Martime Doubt it not good sir Martine . 〈◊〉 instruct my knowledge , pray tell me , A me you not tha this same salve will cure At whif●ter Silence cosen Sconce , let's heare the whiffler if he cannot verifie his words , sink me 〈◊〉 Mettalls in the earth , and Ice On the selfe frisling waters : The Load-stone As tis a simple ●●lve all-commanding nature . But that this , This weapon salve , a compound , should affect More than the Parac●lsian Rare Paracelsian , thy Annalls shall be cut in Brasse by ●light simpathy betweene The nimble soule in its swift flight to heaven ▪ And the cold carkasse it has ▪ nimble soule in its swift flight to heaven , And the cold carkasse it has lately left ▪ doe a conceite of death In persons resolute , while I have yet A specious memory left bostrous , and banish'd thence milde de pitty , ( boistrous winds , Force so the gentle and untroubled ● her to renounce Freely her title to you , I agen On promise of your future loyalty Will 〈◊〉 renounce Freely her title to you , ● agen On promise of your future loyalty Will stand the triall Kno● Exit Know. . irke some a rate , my life That to prolong it to an irkesome age , I should destroy my honour , neither love'twixt could witnesse more Sincerity of indissolving love 'twixt us , Then does this minute , if your Lad●ies How many Ladies in towne are of that minde . ▪ that you hum and haw so after kissing her , her breath is savory , I dare bee sworne ●ir Court fashion is , upon the cheeke , but pray sir , why are you so jealous : yet cannot prove f●ll hedge , then like a wanton Pricket , runne full Butte at every one you meet , as who should ●ive know their Ladies to be Hens oth' game , and liue by tredding , yet like mettle Cockes they S●once to wed his daughter to the Dutch younker Sconce , the house will be atquiet , and your Lady fooole Why law you then , who's the foole now ? Sir Martine come in the evening , Ma● Ex. Sir Mar. . mi●x Well said minx , you will not have him : but you had best da●ly retaine my sense , continue subject to a daily noyse from the ill boding monster . ma●ch sir , better consider with your selfe and match where your own customes are observ'd , my me●tis summer : why should you say you cannot love me tis a false touch I me certaine of it , ●uice your faith Is plighted to another , twill be juice Of balefull hemlocke to his braine , convert hemlo●ke plighted to another , twill be juice Of balefull hemlocke to his braine , convert it Either to suddaine carrol● , the shield Organd Cocke Shall cease to carroll Muttens to the morne , The ●arely Larke 〈◊〉 shield Organd Cocke Shall cease to carroll Muttens to the morne , The ●arely Larke that whispers ●arely cease to carroll Muttens to the morne , The earely Larke that whispers to the Sun A constant che●kerd day , Shall lose his light plumes in the checkerd Clouds , Ere I my resolute chastity ▪ nor ▪ checkerd Clouds , Ere I my resolute chastity , nor can you Invent evasions to declare my redemp●ion on its grant relyes the only hopes Of your redemption from the barbarous armes , Of him you were wor●● worthy Contempt , then on your selfe , whose worth do's challenge A noble and reciprocall regard F●rtresse , I shall be one of you anone , but Cosen Fortresse , what bashfull youth is that that dares foref●ot certainely , my Ancestors were Bores , give me thy forefoot sirrha , and tell me coz , why dost not forwant O tis for want of basting sir . For●. Fort. insta●m●nt vancarriors coz , to the solemnity of your instalment ? renounce me , if you vilifie the institution Knock●downe accomplish'd , you are our wardrope keeper , brother Knockedowne have you brought the vestments of our Order cheval●y not our robes of honor the ensignes of our chevalry ? whi●●lers What doe you blunder , whifflers Pigge , are you grunting too : shall I whet Ieremia● kneele downe , while thus I thee create : Ieremias Sconce , Knight of the order of Twibill Ieremi●● Health to our worthy Brother , Ieremias Sconce , Knight of the Twibill . M●rk. Mark. Kn●ghts Exit Vrinall cum Knights . E●t Ent. . Poping . and Lovring in womans cloaths cloa●hs E●t . Poping . and Lovring in womans cloaths . Lo●. Lov Mrit Enter Doctor , Vrinall , Mris. , Artlesse , and Mris. Mixum . ●rin. Vrin 〈…〉 him aske her : shall wee goe to the Church answerd she, ist not too late 〈…〉 ●oo late to doe well replied 〈…〉 shall wee goe to the Church 〈…〉 not too late quoth he agen, never ●oo late to doe well replied she agen : ●oo wee goe to the Church 〈…〉 not too late 〈…〉 too late to doe well replied she agen : ( though you 〈◊〉 it were at midnight ) and then the Dutch younker tooke her up into a ( what doe you call 〈◊〉 tooke her up into a ( what doe you call it ) a sedan ( and heaven speed ) away they went 〈◊〉 not , only I heard him sweare he would not come at Pencridge . ▪ and all old things must not be cast away , there has beene many an honest couple given abomi●able but at the Pinder of Wakefield , and thats abominable , and he has vowd to season their bargaine Know●rth Master Lovering , the attendant to Master Knoworth , and Sir Martines Niece that came but yesterday 〈◊〉 the attendant to Master Knoworth , and Sir Martines Niece that came but yesterday . ●lie Is't possible ? twas some slie policy of her Uncles to bring her hither ▪ feast : Vrinall be you carefull of the doores ; let none come in but our owne company . fa●●d my braine not won the lawrell garland the famd breath That wafts the honor of deserving 〈◊〉 deserving wits Among the humorous multitude ( as lowd As it speakes conquering triumphs ) shall proelaime As it speakes conquering triumphs ) shall proclaime My politicke merit , who have raised my selfe though● world , To an indifferent wealth , which though ye got By wayes sinister , such as erre ve To an indifferent wealth , which though● Ive got By wayes sinister , such as erre from g●t an indifferent wealth , which though● ve got By wayes sinister , such as erre from truth ▪ much As for an houre to dispense with rest , And see my bride in bed . p●ore I pitty the poore girle , That she should be so suddaine in 〈◊〉 of fate , ( For such are nuptiall bonds ) experience sister Inforces me to lament her Know 〈◊〉 bonds ) experience sister Inforces me to lament her Know 〈◊〉 experience sister Inforces me to lament her Know Know● Know. two● How equally we two Divide true , sorrow sympathize in griefe sympathi●e How equally we two Divide true , sorrow sympathize in griefe , As in our blood and nature : ●ix'd : sister you When your affectionate fancy fix'd your heart Upon your husbands love , had c●nfin'd suspition Of his unmanly jealousie , and I When I confin'd my love to Free Freewit's breast ▪ Judg'd 〈◊〉 jealousie , and I When I confin'd my love to Free Freewit's breast ▪ Judg'd him as void of falshood ▪ confin'd my love to Free Freewit's breast , Judg'd him as void of falshood , as the tobes as the spring When it has rested in green robes the Earth is Of bare nakednesse , but we cred●lity nakednesse , but we are both Deceiv'd by our credulity ▪ ▪ but we are both Deceiv'd by our credulity . 〈◊〉 For you , discretion may release you from the care Of his affection , you ●eale burne-markd captive is engag'd With more officious zeale to serve his Lord , Then I my husband , Know▪ Know. Free●it his businesse is with you , and his name Freewit ; I told him you were in bed and he swore ●nd name Free●it ; I told him you were in bed and he swore he would come to you through the mine● lightly prize your love , As you have valued mine, nor can you blame me , since 'twas your I●me Credit me I'me very glad on't : but pray tell me sir , yo● very glad on't : but pray tell me sir , Why you come thus adorned with Nuptiall wreathes ●●tuall wearing , that when after times Shall know our mutuall parting ; 't may report , That we were both ●rees With the unwillingnesse that flourishing trees , Divest themselves of greenenesse , yet 〈◊〉 renounce your love , I would not have my eares disturb'd with this Relation of your contempt , for e●pos'd practis'd a contempt Of you : Had not your breath expos'd a mist Of infidelity before the eyes Of Tore● Enter Mixum with a Torch , Popingaies in Sconce his cloaths , leading a●tir●d leading Dalinea : Lovering leading Sconce attired in Poping . womans cloaths . Ha● Ha! my Nephew Popingay ! 〈◊〉 Mr. Popingaies . Sir Maritimes Nephew ! I am abus'd , undone , my daughter's 〈◊〉 undone , my daughter's cousend Vrinall , a trick put on mee , Mr. Popingay to wed my daughter ● was Twas with her owne consent Sir , and she my wife 〈…〉 shall , let me come to the baggage husband , Ile scratch her eyes out . 〈◊〉 Ere he shall injoy her , Ile spend the best sh●ll Ere he shall injoy her , Ile spend the best part of my 〈◊〉 charge you Vrinall call in my neighbours , ere I'le he us'd thus ▪ he Vrinall call in my neighbours , ere I'le be us'd thus ▪ ▪ in my neighbours , ere I'le he us'd thus . 〈…〉 Harke you sir, you know I know you and your wayes . 〈◊〉 Vrin 〈…〉 Doct. What talk'st thou varlet? ▪ , Enjoyns me to forgive your loving theft ; Accept my daughter with as good a heart Mr●s. Mris. Art. ▪ Could not be given Mortality : but truely sir , I had much adoe to winne her . 〈◊〉 Conjoyn'd ith' Church , I tooke you for Mr. Sconce , but now rejoyce I was deceived so , I you● I was deceived so , I shall study to love you▪ ▪ ▪ was deceived so , I shall study to love you . 〈◊〉 enough like a woman : but that you have a stiff impediment for-bearing Children : but give ●●pediment like a woman : but that you have a stiff impediment for-bearing Children : but give me thy hand scatoe He is scarce sober yet I thinke . ●e Ile tell you father , ere I ▪ went to the Church Knigh●● gotten a touch in the Crowne , the Twibil Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me' drunke 〈…〉 touch in the Crowne , the Twibil Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me' drunke , and 〈◊〉 , the Twibil Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me' drunke , and got my 〈…〉 by me'drunke Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me' drunke , and got my 〈…〉 by these I know 〈…〉 on my Jo had made me' drunke , and got my cloathes, and how I came by these I know not : But ha , let me see eruell successe in your So suddaine Love : but it was cruell in you To give away your soule , ( as in resign● shew how much I prize your satisfaction , I resigne My interest in you to him , and thus freely Lady● freely Bestow him on you : will you have him Lady▪ ▪ ▪ Bestow him on you : will you have him Lady ? Marth● Loverings Periwigs , he is discovered to be Martha . strange● reported to have Got with Child : this is strange▪ ▪ ▪ to have Got with Child : this is strange . 〈◊〉 account How long tis since I lay with her . Know. O Freewit , what meanes this mad delusion be● indeed : this is a touch indeed , I had best bee gone , for feare she challenge me . ▪ this ; yet be deficient In the atchievement ; for some cunning Artist To draw her in this c●●●ing deficient In the atchievement ▪ for some cunning Artist To draw her in this posture ( to ▪ Ile tell you , and Mrs trust each word , As the just accent of Oraculous truth : and e●t accent of Oraculous truth : Knowing your ardent love to me , I feard It might embrace woman● embrace a change , and therefore shap'd this woman In the habit of a man got her unknowne to too'●●-looke without Discovery , in her owne shape ) not to o're-looke your life . Or watch your actions found● Would stagger your resolve , which I have founde So noble , that the happinesse of Fates dis●●is'd wishes , but why did you Employ a woman thus disguis'd suppose She had beene got with childe you seruple me for her selfe Might without the least scruple of suspect Free me from her owne calumny 〈◊〉 her selfe Might without the least scruple of suspect Free me from her owne calumny , nay here's 〈◊〉 How Vrinall Master : Doctor's man turnd to Tristram Mr. Freewits man , and Marthies brother Vrin● Vrin disgu●se Mrs. I am glad sir you put my sister in this disguise , she has got a good husband by the shift ●aine before that will eunuchise a man , I would faine be a Hermaphrodite , or a woman to escape Her maphrolite will eunuchise a man , I would faine be a Hermaphrodite , or a woman to escape this match , I do Mi●●um Enter Mrs. Mixum . M●●tin Who's this , Sir Martin , what doe you meane sir ? re●●t you have injurd Me most infinitly , I doe remit all if you will protest Nere to be jealous tejoyce brother , who brought you hither ? We shall rejoyce to have you at out wedding , And see this f●●ed And so I could have suted him as well as another woman . ●●ave Brother Vrinall you are a knave , brother Vrinall , and have showd all a ●●●ehing , brother Vrinall , and have showd all a cozening touch . pu●●e portion , here's a hundred pieces in this purse . ●o Sinke me my Jo , my owne purse . ▪ denied , the blades shall now resume freedome , this key will let them out , come forth he●e will let them out , come forth gentlemen , here is your brother Master Sconce . 〈◊〉 Enter the Twibill Knights . keepeour Madam I hope we shall keepe our nuptiall feast with Master Doctor . ver●●ous expectation in watching my Aunt , she is too vertuous : father your blessing , and then we are 〈◊〉 performe , To morrow shall , and from this minute I Renounce all waies sinister to get wealth Renoun●e To morrow shall , and from this minute I Renounce all waies sinister to get wealth Things 〈◊〉 minute I Renounce all waies sinister to get wealth Things that ith' period prosperously succeed p●riod waies sinister to get wealth Things that ith' period prosperously succeed , Though cros'd before prosperously● sinister to get wealth Things that ith' period prosperously succeed , Though cros'd before , are acted