Wit in a Constable

Wit in a Constable .

Actus primus , Scena prima . Enter Holdfast , Tristram . Holdfast . Did you ere we departed from the Colledge Orelooke my library ? Trist. Yes sir , I spent two dayes in sorting Poets from Historians , As many nights in placing the divines On their owne chayres , I meane their shelves , and then In separating Philosophers from those people That kill men with a license : your Physitians Cost me a whole dayes labour , and I finde sir , Although you tell me learning is immortall , The paper and the parchment , t is contayn'd in , Savors of much mortality . Hold.

I hope my bookes are all in health .

Trict. In the same case the Mothes have left them , who have eaten more Authenticke learning then would richly furnish A hundred country pedants ; yet the wormes Are not one letter wiser . Hold. I have beene idle Since I came up from Cambridge , goe to my stationer And bid him send me Swarez Metaphysickes , Tolet de anima is new forth , So are Granadus commentaries on Primum secundae Thomae Aquinatis , Get me the Lyricke Poets . And — Trist. I admire How he retaines these Authors names , of which He understands no sillable , 't were better I bought the Authenticke Legend of Sir Bevis , Some six new Ballads and the famous Poems Writ by the learned waterman . Hold.

Iohn Taylor , get me his nonsense .

Trist.

You meane all his workes sir .

Hold.

And a hundred of Bookers new Almanacks .

Trist. And the divell to boot , Your fathers bookes in which he keeps th accounts Of all his coyne will scarce yield crowns to afford Your fancy volums : why you have already Enough to furnish a new Vatican , A hundred country pedants can read dictats To their young pupills out of Setons logicke , Or Golius Ethicks , and make them arrive , Proficients learn'd enough in one bare twelmonth To instruct the parish they were borne in : you Out of an itch to this same foolish learning Bestow more money yearely upon bookes : Then would for convert sisters build an almes-house . Hold.

You will displease my patience Tristram .

Trist. I speake truth : if you shud want , your learning scarce would make you Capable of being town Cleark , or at best , To be a famous Tyrant unto boyes , And weare out birch upon them : or perchance you may arrive to be the City Poet , And find the little moysture of your braine To grace a Lord Maiors festivall with showes , Alluding to his trade , or to the company Of which he 's free , these are the best preferments That can attend your learning . Hold. I say Tristram , the spirit of my learning stirs me up To give thee due correction . Trist. Would you study ? as does young Thorowgood your noble Cosen , Not bookes , but men which are true living volums : You would like him , be held rich i th' esteeme Of all the illustrious wits that decke the city When the extent of your admirers is Confinde to fresh men : and such youths as only Know how to frame a syllogisme in Darij , And make the ignorant believe by Logicke The Moones made of a Holland Cheese : and the man in 't . A swagbellied Dutch Burger Intras Thorowgood . Thoro. Cosen Holdfast , a good day attend Thy learned piamater : prithee tell me How doe the Cabalists and antient Rabbins And thou agree ? will they be sociable , And drinke their mornings draught of Helicon With thee : have they instructed you to prove yet That the world runs on wheeles ? or that the sea May be drunke off by a shole of Whales ? such things You know there are in nature . Hold.

O far stranger .

Thoro. Peace you booke-worme , Fit only to devour more paper then A thousand grand tobacco men or a legion Of boyes in pellets to their elderne gunnes . Dost thinke to live this life still ? you 're not now Amongst your eues at Cambridge , but in London , Come up to see your mistris beautious Clare , The glory of the city : goe and court her , As does become a gentleman of carriage , Without your Tropes and figures Inkehorne termes , Fit only for a Mountebanke or Pedant , Or all your Physickes Metaphysickes and Meteors , ( Tomes larger farre and more repleate with lies , Then Surius , Gallo-Belgcus , or the welsh Bard Geffrey Monmouth ) shal be straight-way made Pitifull Martyrs . Hold.

Why cosen I had thought .

Thoro. Thy selfe an errant ideot , that 's the fittest Thought for thy braine more dull then a fat Burgers , Or reverend countrey justices , whose wit Lies in his spruce clearkes standish , thou wert begot Surely i th' wane o th' Moone , when natures tooles Were at lame Vulcans forge a sharpening , thou art so lumpish . Trist. He has already spoyld His eyes with prying on Geneva prints , And small dutch Characters : his watching makes him Looke like a grand-child of old Errapaters , Some leane Astronomer , who to get ten shillings , For that 's a large price for an Almanacke , Has wasted himselfe to the bignesse of his Iacobs staffe , Which is so limber , 't cannot stand to take height of Venus rising . Thoro. He sayes truth : besides your study has attain'd already , Learning enough to informe your minde the knowledge Of arts fit for a gentleman , wert not better For you my sprightfull senior to advance Your bever with a hatband of the last Edition in the Court , among the noblest Youthes of our nation , then to walke like Faustus , Or some high German conjurer , in a cap Fit for a Coster-monger , to weare your purle Or cut worke , band then this small slip of linning That 's proper only for Tom Thum : or some of queen Mabs gentlemen-ushers . Trist.

This Cassocke were a pretty garment for a fortuneteller .

Thoro And this cloake of tinder comely for a ballad-seller , Life sir , you are borne here to an ample fortune , Your father absent knowes not how you 've altered Your disposition : I must reclayme it , Thou shalt with me and court the beauteous Clare Reserv'd for thee , a purpose i th' meane time , Our chiefe companions , shall be wits more pure , Then your quicke sophisters , or slie logicians , Wee 'l talke of the bright beauties of the age , Girles whose each looke deserves to be a theme For all the nimble poets , two dayes practise In our brave arts will teach thee to forget Philosophy as fruitlesse and abjure All other Ethicks , but what 's usd mongst us , as most erronious . Hold. Well You shall perswade me , I le be an errant asse , or any thing For thy sake coz , but shall we have such wenches As are at Cambridge , hansome as peg Larkin . Thoro. O farre before her , cosen thou shalt read Aretius Politicks ; and Ovids Art , Shall be new read , thee and wee will refine Thy Academicke wit with bowles of wine . Hold.

Tristram shall to th' Colledge and sell my bookes immediately .

Thoro.

Speake like the son of Phoebus and my cosen .

Trist.

My studious master .

Thoro.

Sell thy Dictionary .

Hold.

I le not keepe a prayer booke .

Thoro.

They are out of fashion .

Hold. Nor a Calender , to looke the age o th' Moone in , Trist. be sure You burne Greens groats worth of wit ; I scorne to keepe The name of wit about me . Trist. T is confest sir , but for the numerous Rhemes of paper , which Are pil'd up in your study , give them mee , I have a brother in law i th' towne 's a cooke , I le give them him to put under his bake meates . Hold. Take them : I will not leave a pen within my lodging , I will forget to write , or set my hand to any thing . Thoro.

Unlesse 't be to a bond .

Hold. I le goe put this blest designe in execution , Cosen anon i le meet you at your chamber . Thoro. What in that reverend shape ? the gentlemen That I converse with , will believe thee some Itinerant Scholler , have thee whipt by th' statute . Hold.

I would be loath , now I am past a fresh man to bee had into the buttries .

Thoro. Still them termes ? study to forget them , I le send my Man to you with a new suite of mine I never wore yet , Be sure to put it on right , you mere Schollers Know no degree of garment above Serge , Or Satanisco : tie your band-strings neatly And doe not eat the buttons off , put not Your Cuffs both on one hand ; t will tax your judgement Of new inventing fashions when accoustred , Come to my chamber , and I le furnish you With language fit to accost your mistris . Hold. Rare , I 've got more learning from him in halfe an houre , Then in a whole lifes practise out of bookes . Follow me Tristram , farewell deare cosen . Ex. Hold . Trist. Thoro. How I could laugh now , were my spleen large enough : a Hundred such lame stupid Ideots were enough , if marry'd , To precise Burgers daughters to replenish The city with a race of fooles , and root The stocke of knaves quite out of it , he loves books : Not that he has a scruple more of learning Then will suffice him to say grace , but like Some piteous cowards , who are oft thought valiant For keeping store of weapons in their chambers , He loves to be esteem'd a doctor by His volumnes : but I shall fit his schollership : whos 's these ? Alderman Covets , Formall , by th' proportion : Ent. Formal and Clare . That rib of mans flesh should be Clare , dost heare My honest Cadis garters : who for care And close attendance on thy charge deserves To be grand porter to the great Turkes Seraglia : how hight that vayl'd damsell ? Form . She has been at Brittains burse a buying pins & needle To worke a night-cap for my master sir . Thor.

Pox upon him , is not her name Clare , niece to Alderman Covets

For.

Her father was a country Squire of large revenew and her mother .

Thoro. I shall be forc'd to heare him blaze her pedigree , I de beat him , but that clubs and paring shovells o th' city Would be so busie about my eares : they 'd spoyle My hearing two months after Gentle Lady Pardon my error if I doe mistake , are not you mistris Clare ? Clar. Formall at last , would have resolv'd you , and I held my Peace of purpose , cause I knew his slow discovery would vex Your nimble patience Tho. You are a Gipsie , but does thy unkles humour hold of wedding His daughter to sir Timothy . Clar. Yes , or to young monsieur Holdfast whom he sayes is Learned enough to make Cheap-side a Colledge , And all the City a new Academy , but have you Thorowgood perform'd what I advis'd you to ? Thoro. Yes , my girle : good Formall use thy motion to convay Thy ears a little farther off , there 's mony To buy thee a new payre of garters : Clare Thou shalt no more behold me in the garbe And noble ornament I us'd to weare , my fashion shall be altred . Clar. To the scholars , Young Holdfasts likenesse . Thoro. O by all meanes girle , thou shalt behold this comely hat transform'd To frugall brim , and steeple crowne , this band Of faire extent chang'd to a moderne cut , Narrower then a precisians : all this gay And gawdy silke I will convert to Serge Of limber length : like some spruce student ( newly Exalted for saying grace well , to be fellow O th' Colledge he had studied ) I will Salute thy reverent Uncles spectacles , And without feare of his gold chaine , i le woe thee In metaphores and tropes Scholastick till The doting Senator with a liberall hand give Thee his dainty darling to become my spouse inseparable . Clar.

This suites well with my directions .

Thoro. True girle true , farewell Clare , I kisse thy white hand : Sir resume your charge , I 've done my errand : let not your old Sir Amiar , Know of this conference , if you doe , that twist Of spinners thred , on which your life depends Exe. Clare . & Formall . Shall be shorne off like a horse mane . Farewell . Form .

Mans life indeed is but a thred , good day sir . Ent. Valentine & Sir Timothy .

Thor. Attend your charge friend , Valentine , Sir Timothy . You 'r well incountred , may I inquire the affaire Which happily has brought you up to th' City ? Thoro. May I know it ? is 't not to purchase a Monopoly For Salt and Herrings ? for state businesse , Unlesse it be to see the great new ship , Or Lincolns Inne fields built : I 'me sure you none here . Tim.

Very right sir .

Thor. But for thee : my noble man of merit , thou art welcome , Wee l be as kind to one another boy , And witty as brisque poets in their wine , Wee l court the blacke browd beauties of the time , And have by them the height of our desires : with ease accomplished Val. Noble Thorowgood , Did I not owne you by the name of friend , Already these indearments would ingage me to beg that title . Tim. Very right , and me too . I know you for the most Egregious knight In all the country . Thor.

You sir , you 've reason ,

Tim.

Very right , I am indeed esteem'd so .

Thor.

One that live on Onions and Corne-sallets .

Tim. Right agen , Sure he can conjure , I had one to my breakefast . Thor. Nay no Herald Can better blase your pedigree . I 've heard Your father my most worthy knight , was one That died a knave to leave you so . Tim.

Passing right still .

Thor. And pray right witty , and right honor'd sir , What may your businesse seeme to be i th' city . Are you come up to learne new fashions ? Tim.

Exceeding right agen .

Thor. To change this ancient garment to a new one Of a more spruce edition . Val. Yes , but before , For I am privie unto all 's intentions , He means to see and court his mistris . Thor. Who 's that ? my doughty Impe of spur and sword , Some faire Dulcina de Toboso . Val.

No , t is Grace , daughter to Alderman Covet .

Thor. I doe commend thee my deare Don , and will Be thy assistant , goe and see thy horse drest , And then approach my chamber . Tim.

Very right , I kisse your fingers end . Ex. Timothy .

Thor. Doe you , Valentine , know The Lady he intends to Court . Val. Onely by report , Which speakes her most accomplish'd . Thor. Oh she 'll make An excellent Asse of him : she has a wit More sharpe and piercing than a Waspes sting , she speaks All fire ; each word is able to burne up A thousand such poore Mushromes : had her mother Not beene held honest , I should have believ'd She 'd bin some Courtiers By-blow , or that some Quicke Poet got her . Val.

How 's her feature ?

Thor. Rare , past expression , singular , her eyes The very sphears of love , her cheeks his throne , Her lips his paradise , and then her minde Js farre more excellent than her shape . Val. You give her a brave Character ; is 't possible To have a sight of her ? Tho. Yes , by my means , scarce otherwise wilt thou have her , Speake but a syllable , 't shall be perform'd As sure as if Don Hymen , in his robes Had ratifi'd the contract . Val.

You are merry sir .

Thor. When didst thou know me otherwise : yet now In sober sadnesse friend , couldst thou affect A woman , as there 's few of them worth loving , Thou canst not make a nobler choise : I le bring thee On to the skirmish , but if thou retreat , Beat backe by th' hot Artillery of her wit , Which will play fast upon thee : maist thou live To be enamour'd on some stale Hay , or Matron Of fourescore , that may congeale thee to a frost Sooner than forty winters : or be wed To an insatiat Chamber-maid . Val. Defend me From thy last curse ; feare not my valour . Thor. This foole shall serve both her and us for sport : Let s to our taske ; and if our project hit , I le sweare all fortune is compris'd in wit . Exeunt . Explicit Actus primus .

Actus secundus . Scena prima . Covet , Clara , Maudlin . Cov.

YOu will provoke me .

Clar. No matter : Although you be my uncle , and so nature Binds me to observe you , i le not be oblig'd To what the phlegmaticke humour of your age Strives to enforce upon me : I was borne Free , an inheritresse to an ample fortune , Of which you doe pervert the use , and trust me , I le be no longer tame and suffer it . Cov. Suffer what ? you 're us'd Too well : if you complaine of this , I shall Study to be more harsh . Clar. Doe ; you shall not , as you had wont , Thinke to attire me in blacke Grogram , Daub'd o're with Sattin lace , as if I were Daughter , and heire apparent to a Tayler , Who from the holiday Gownes of sixe neat fish-wives Had stole the remnants made the thrifty garment . Nor shal you sir ( as t is a frequent custome , Cause you 're a worthy Alderman of a Ward . ) Feed me with Custard , and perpetuall White-broth , Sent from the Lord Majors , or the Shriefes feast , And here preserv'd ten dayes , ( as t were in pickle ) Till a new dinner from the common hall Supply the large defect . Cov.

You 'll leave this language ?

Clar. Leave to use me so then : Y 'ave made my selfe , your daughter , and my woman , Sup with a penyworth of Lettice , under Pretence 't would make us sleep well : your full morsells ( Had not the vertue of Clay wall , and Oatmeale Preserv'd my maid ) ere this she 'd bin shrunk up To th' bignesse of a Squirrill . Maud. Any Dwarfe might without stretching his small fingers , have Spand me about the waste . Clar. Nor shall you , ( As sure t is your intention ) marry me To th' quondam fore-man of your shop , ( exalted To be your Cash-keeper ) a limber fellow , Fit onely for deare Nan , his schoole-fellow , A Grocers daughter , borne in Bread-street , with Whom he has used to goe to Pimblico , And spend ten groats in Cakes and Christian Ale , And by the way has courted her with fragments , Stoln from the learned Legends of Knights Errants , Or from the glory of her fathers trade , The Knight o' the Burning Pestle . Cov. Sure the Devill Has entred her i th' likenesse of an Eele , Her tongue 's so slippery : Minion — Clar. I le not be frighted As are your Prentises , with Little ease , Or shewing them the Beadle . In plain termes , I doe not meane to incorporate with a Salter , Or any of those thriving trades , to have My shooes lickt o're each saturday night By th' under prentise ; they shine so brightly With soot and kitching-stuffe , that I next morning May spare my glasse , and dresse my head by their Greasie reflection : yet let me tell you , I must be marry'd instantly a virgin : Of my full age , setting aside all nicenesse May justly claime a husband . Cov.

Have but patience , i le wed thee to a Knight .

Clare . What is hee , one o th' Post sir , or some such As was in the old famous Ballad mention'd : He that has forty pounds per annum , by Which Charter I should be undutifull , And take the wall of my ag'd Grandame : No , I le have a Courtly gentleman , whose wit Shall equall his estate , and that so large , As 't shall afford me a sufficient joyncture . Cov. This Knight shall do 't , or if you like not him , What say you to Sir Geffery Holdfast's sonne , The famous Schollar ? Clare . If he be a Parson ; And I his wife , I sure shall make my friends Lucky to horse-flesh : No , I will have one That shall maintaine my Coach , and foure faire horses : Not such thin jades , nor such a crazy Chariot , As i 've seene us'd by Citizens to convey Their wives with leisure to their Country houses , ( For feare the late Plum-pudding they had eaten Fryed to their Breakfast , should with too much jogging Broyle on their queasie stomacks ) One that shall Maintaine me a Sedan , and two strong varlets , That so I may not need the Common men Mules , With their wood-Litters , with nineteene at end of them , The usuall shelters , which the Gallants carry Their wenches to their Chambers in : In briefe , If you can find me any where a husband That I can like , I will allow your choyse ; If not , i le take my owne ; so good day to you . Pray meditate upon it . Ex. Clare , Maud : Cov. This is the maddest wench : would I were rid of her , She vexes me more than her Portion 's worth ; But if she stoope not to my Country Knight , Sir Timothy Shallow-wit , or to young Holdfast , ( Whom I had rather marry to my daughter ) She shall ha grasing . Enter Formall . For. Sir , there are a brace of gentlemen without , Desire admittance to you . Cov.

Let them enter .

For.

I shall denote your pleasure . Ex. For.

Cov. Some young heires , To borrow money upon Morgages . Enter Holdfast , Brave , Tristram . Hol.

I shall observe my Cosens rule , nere fear me .

Cov.

Save you sir .

Hol. You do not think me damn'd sir , you bestow That salutation on me . Cov. Good sir no . Whom would you speake with here ? Hol. Sir , my discourse Poynts at one Alderman Covet . Cov.

I am the party .

Hol. Good Mr. Covet , I covet your acquaintance : I understand you have a daughter is Of most unknowne perfections . Cov.

She is as heaven made her .

Hold. She goes naked then , The Tailer has no hand in her ; may I see her ? Cov.

I must desire your name first .

Hold.

My name is Holdfast .

Cov.

Sonne to sir Geff. Holdfast .

Hold. His proper sonne and heire , and I am come To see your Daughter and your Neece . Cov.

Came you from Cambridge lately .

Hold. I come from Cambridge : What do you see in these my looks , should make you Judge me such a Coxecombe . Cov. Your father writ me word , his son that should Come up to see my Daughter and my Neece , Was a rare schollar , wholly given to 's bookes . Hold. My father was an arrant asse for 's labour , I ne're read book in all my life , except The Counter scuffle , or the merry Gossips , Raynard the Foxe , Tom Thumbe , or Gargantua , And those i 've quite forgotten : I a schollar ! He lyes in 's throat that told you so . Trist. On my Conscience You may believe him : he scarce ere saw booke , Vnlesse the Chronicle in an iron Chaine , In 's fathers Hall : for learning sir , except What 's in a Horse , a Hawke , or hownd , he knowes not How to expound your meaning . Cov. I mar'le sir Geff. knowing my aversion From any of these courses , should bring up His sonne to all of them : nay , write me word , Knowing my love to learning , he had him A schollar purposely : pray sir resolve me , Are you sir Gefferies sonne ? Hold.

I am a Bastard else .

Cov.

Sir Gefferies sonne of Eppinge ?

Hold. Yes , of Eppinge , One that will venture five hundred pounds upon his horse , Soone as the proudest hee that lives in London , I le play my Crop-eare 'gainst my Lord Majors Steed , And all his furniture : I doe intend To scoure Hide Parke this summer . Trist. didst give him His Oates this morning ? Shall I see your daughter . Did he drink 's water hastily ? Your Neece I 'de be acquainted with . Cov. Sir , you must pardon me , you 're not the man I tooke you for . Hold.

You did not take me for an Asse I hope .

Cov. O by no meanes , but they cannot be seene Conveniently this morning : another time , At your best leasure , I shall not deny you . Please you walke in , and taste our Beere ? Hold. I know 't is but o th' sixes ; and I hate Liquor of that complexion : pray commend me To both my sweet-hearts . Tristram come le ts backe , And , as my Cosen sayes , drinke lusty sacke . Exeunt Holdfast and Tristram . Cov. There 's some deceite in this , perhaps some gallant , Knowing my purpose with Sir Geffery Holdfast , Has tane his name upon him : i le dispatch A messenger straight to him : whom have we here ? Enter Thoroug . and Formall . Form .

Sir , that 's the Alderman my Master .

Thor: Is this the venerable Man , to whom This goodly Mansion is impropriate : I should negotiate with his reverence About authentick businesse . Cov: This rather Should be sir Geff. sonne , his words and habit Speake him most learned . I 'me the person , pray Let me be bold to crave your name . Thor. My appellation or pronomen , as ( It is tearm'd by the Latins ) is hight Ieremie , But my Cognomen , as the English gather , Is called Holdfast . Cov. This is he certainely ; are you , I pray Sir Gefferies sonne of Eppinge ? Thor. The Nominalls , the Thomists , all the sects Of old and moderne Schoole-men , doe oblige me , To pay to that Sir Geffery fillial duty . Cov. I 'me glad to heare it , tother was some varlet , I shall finde out and punish : Sir , y' are welcome ; I gesse your businesse ; t is about a match , Or with my Neece , or Daughter : which you like , Shall be at your dispose : if not , your businesse . Thor. My businesse is of procreation , or as The Civill Lawyers learnedly doe paraphrase , Is of concomitance , Cohabitation , Or what you please to terme it . Cov. How am I blest , that this rare schollar shall Be match'd into my family ? Within there ; Neece , Daughter , both come hither . Thor. One at once sir , T will satisfie ; the Canon does prohibit Us Polygamy . Enter Clara , Gray . Cov. Sir , this is my onely daughter , this my neece , Pray know them better . Thor. Faire types , nay Orbs of beauty , J salute you , Each in his proper altitude . Graie .

Heyday , this is some Fortune-teller .

Clare .

T is Thorowgood , you must not seeme to know him .

Cov. Daughter and Neece , this is a gentleman , My care has pick'd out , as a most fit husband For one of you ; which he can soonest fancy , Heare him but speake , and he will put you downe Ten Universities , and Jnnes of Court , Jn twentie sillables . Good Mr. Holdfast Speake learnedly to th' wenches ; though J say 't , They have both good capacities . Thor. Most rubicund , stelliferous splendant Ladyes , The ocular faculties , by which the beames Of love are darted into every soule , Or humane essence , have into my breast Convey'd this Ladies lustre : and J can Admire no other object ; therefore beauty Your pardon , if J onely doe addresse In termes Scholasticke , and in Metaphors My phrase to her . Graie . J shall not Envy my Cosens happinesse . Thor. Y' are full of Candor ; Jf you will love me Lady , I le approach your eares , Not in a garbe Domesticke , or termes vulgar , But hourely change my language , court you now , In the Chaldean , or Arabicke tongues , Expound the Talmud to you , and the Rabbines , Then read the Dialect of the Alanits , Or Ezion Gebor , which the people use Five leagues beyond the Sun-rising , in stead Of pages to attend you , I will bring Sects of Philosophers and queint Logicians , Wee l Procreat by learned art , and I Will generate new broods of Schollers on you , Which shall defend opinions far more various Then all the Sectaries of Amsterdam Have ever vented . Covet . Learned , learned young man , How happy am I in thee ? Thor. Doe but love , I le call the Muses from the sacred hill To Enucleat your beauty : I my selfe ( After in loftier numbers I have sung Your fam'd Encomiums ) will convert to poet , And for your sake I le write the city annals , In famous meter which shall far surpasse Sir Guy of Warwickes history : or Iohn Stows upon The custard with the foure and twenty Nooks At my Lord Majors feast . Cov.

How am I ravisht !

Thor. Whose brave show hereafter Shall be no more set forth with stalking pageants , Nor children ride for angels nor lowd actors Pronounce bold speeches , I will teach his Henehboyes Serjeants and trumpeters to act and save The city all that charges : Nay I le make a new Found engin ; which without fire shall keepe his Whitebroath warm til his return from Westminster Nor shall the Aldermens daughters , who have Dreamt at least six nights before of guilded Marchpane , forfeit their serious longing : I le have Horses with their Saint Georges on them , that shall gallop Into their handkerchers . Clar.

You promise wonders .

Covet . Hold your tongue , hee s able To performe more by 's learning . Thor. The crosse And standerd in Cheapeside I will convert To Hercules pillars : and the little conduit That weepes in lamentation for the Church , Remov'd that did leane on , it shall be still Like the great tun at Heidleberge fild with wine , And alwayes running , that the prentises Shall not on Sundayes need to frequent Tauerns , And forfeit their indentures . Covet .

Still more miraculous .

Thor. The great conduit Shall be a magazin of sacke , and Smithfield A Romish Cirque or Grecian Hippodrom , My Lord Maiors gennet shall not die without An Elegy , nor any cittizen breake , But have a dolefull ditty writ upon him . Val.

Save you gentlemen .

Covet . Noble sir Timothy , and your friend both Welcome , this is my neice , & that my daughter , pray Be pleas'd to know them , Sir honor me to walke , I 'de have some private conference with you , The house sir Timothy is at your command . Grace .

Cosen what would these gentlemen ?

Clare . Truth I know not , I le venture my discretion to his nose there , And that appeares a rich one , they are two Country Ideots whom thy father would Put upon us for husbands . Grace . Very likely , Pray gentlemen your businesse . Tim.

Speak for me Valentine .

Val. Ladies wee 'r come to see you , fame does give You the attribute of faire and witty . Clare . Yet our wits you see sir will not serve to keepe Fooles from our company . Tim.

Very right yfaith .

Val. That tartnesse Becomes you prettily , and might serve to fright Young linnen-drapers or some millaner That does with gloves and bracelets stolne from 's Master court you , a haberdasher would have shak'd His blocke-head ( as if he had beene trying a Dutch Felt out ) and with a shrug departed , but we are Gentlemen Ladies , and no city foremen That never dare be ventrous on a beauty , Unlesse when wenches take them up at playes To intice them at the next licentious Taverne To spend a supper on them , we are creatures Deserve you at your best and noblest value , And so expect you 'l use us . Tim. Very right , this is A countrey gentleman my neighbor I , A trusty and coragious country knight . Clare . I doe believe you sir , your face does tel me , You 'r one that feed on bacon and bagpudding , Your nose by its complexion does betray Your frequent drinking country Ale with lant in 't , Have you no hobnayls in your boots , driven in To save the precious leather from the stones That pave the streets of London . Grace . Is not sir your Cloake new turn'd , the aged three pil'd velvet Was not your grandams peticote this jerkin Made by your grandsire at his first translation From Clowne to Gentleman , and since reserv'd An heire long to the family , and this sword The parish weapon ? Tim.

Very right agen .

Clare . Now for you sir . Who of two fooles doe yet appeare the wisest , Can your ingenious noddle thinke that we Bred in the various pleasures of the city , Would for your sake turne beasts and grase i th' country , We cannot milke , make wholsome cheese , nor butter , And sell it at next market and lay up Out of the precious Income as much coyne In thred bare groates , mill-sixpences , and pence , As will suffice to finde the house in Candles And Sope a twelve month after . Grace . Nor can wee Spin our owne smockes out of the flax which growes Behind your Dovehouse , no . nor card the wooll Must make us peticoates things ( to say truth ) Not worth the taking up . Val. They 've Magicke in their tounges They have so daunted me , I thinke I shall Turne foole and get me 'hem without reply . Clare . All the company , We can injoy there is each day to walke To the next farmers wife , whose whole discourse Is what price Barly beares , or how her husband Sould his last yoake of Oxen : other meetings We cannot have , except it be at Churchales , When the sweet bag-pipe does draw forth the Damsells to frisque about the May poles , or at Weddings , where the best cheare is , wholsome Stewd broth made of legs of porke and turnips . Grace . Yes , at Christnings , where the good Wives , stead of burnt Wine and Comfets , Drinke healths to th' memory of all christian soules In Ale , scarce three houres old : eat cakes more tough Then glew or farthing gingerbread : then talke Of the last Blasing Starre , or some new monster : Then drinke , and cry heaven blesse us from the Spaniard , While the learn'd Vicars wife expounds the Ballad Of 't was a Ladies daughter in Paris properly , And so breakes up the wise assembly . Val. And you That are the precious paragons of the City , Who scorne these harmelesse sports : can have your meetings At Islington , and Green Goose faire , and sip A zealous glasse of Wine till the parch'd floore Be moistned with your virgin dew , then prattle How that you dreamt last night that Iohn the Mercer , Or Tom the Drapers man at London-stone Was in your bed , and what sweet work he made there . Tim. Very right , and kis'd you oftner Then ere the good man did his Cow , and hug'd you As the Divell hug'd the Witch , that 's right now . Val. When you 'r married ( For that you will be , or else run away With Costermongers , Mountebankes , or Taylors ) Your husbands are more subject to you then Their bondmen are , whom by profuse expense You breake beyond redemption from the Indies , the Straights , or Barbary , see them lodged in Ludgate , And then turne pricking semsters , till that trade Fayling , you take your selves ( as to the last refuge ) To the old occupation ; till the Marshall Carry you to Bridewell , of which you 'r free , Even by your fathers charters that have beene Sometimes the masters of it , there I le leave you , So farewell wildcats . Tim.

Very right as I am a gentleman .

Grace . I like his spirit well Clare , such a many Or none shall be my husband . Enter Thorowgood . Thor. helpe me to laugh good wenches , I haue talk'd Thy Unkle Clare into so free an humour , That hee s resolv'd straight to take forth the licence , And marry us i th' morning . Clare . What od fellow 's this ? Know you him Cosen Grace . Thor. Prethee good wit noe more , we 've overcome All forraigne enemies , and t is unfit To war among our selves . Grace . This is the pedant My father brought to mocke us , good thine stuffe , Get thee home to thy parish , And instruct Thy people wholesome Doctrine , for us , We have no zeale to learne . Thor. Life they 'l perswade me out of my selfe , Clare , Grace , know you not me , not Thorowgood . Amb. Thorowgood , pray put your trickes on some body , More easie to be wrought on , Thorowgood , Ha , ha , ha . Exe. Thor. What should these wenches meane , the five and sheares Cannot resolve this mystery ; they know me Better then I can know my selfe : 't was she Advis'd me to this habit to deceive Her uncles prying eyes , and why then Should they abuse me thus ? the rest were made But fooles in Quarto , but I finde my selfe An asse in Folio : I le away , and if I quit them not with an abuse as fine , I le say there is no quickning spirit in wine . Exit . Explicit Actus Secundus .

Actus Tertius , Scena prima . Enter Thorowgood , Valentine Knowell . Know .

ARE they so witty sayst thou ?

Val. You 'd best try The acutenesse of their intellects . Thor. You may endeavor With the large talent of your masculine wit To exceed their female sharpnesse you shall finde , Though you firme and stiffe in your defence , These city lasses able to take downe Your most couragious fury : pray endeavour't . Know . That gentleman , were to usurpe your presence , I finde no inclination , yet I thanke you , To rest a foole upon record as you doe . Val.

How 's that , my impe of understanding ?

Know . By being so egregiously abus'd By two poore City infants , things that never Have heard wit nam'd , unlesse 't was when their father Has cal'd his Formall foreman witty varlet , For cheating hansomely , had they been some Illustrious dames , the glory of Cheape-side , Stars of the City , that are daily haunted By this great Lord that courtly kisse their gossips , It had beene possible their conversation Might have instild into them so much language And wit sufficient to withstand the assaults Of some young Innes courtman . Thor. Yes , who never Had mooted in the hall or seen the revels Kept in the house at Christmas . Know . Some such gamster might have Come oft with credit , though hee 'd ventur'd His whole estate of wit on them and lost it , But you the rookes o th' age to be oredone At your owne game by city girles . Val. Thou art an asse , A very coxcomb , there are girles i th' City Able to oredoe at their owne game a hundred Such feeble fellows as thy selfe , but Thorowgood , Leaving this infidell to his mis-beliefe , Are you resolved that I shall undertake The new designe we plotted ? Thor. With what speed Can be convenient , sir Timothy Shall be our instrument . Know . If there be wit in 't , Honour me to assist you . Thor. A revenge Upon these peevish wenches , one of them Loves me intirely , nay has vow'd me a marriage , And did advise me to assume this shape , To cheat her uncle . Val. And for the other , By many a shrowd cast of her eye upon me , I doe suspect for all her queint dissembling , She 's taken with my good parts . Enter Maudline . Thor. Thy face I must confesse , Is full of choyce allurements , see there maid , How fares it with your witty mistris , My gallant type of beauty , is the stomach , Come down , I 'm sure you are furnish'd With some excuse or lamentable epistle , To reconcile me to them . Maud. Sir I am As ignorant of the interpretation of your words , As of your person . Thor.

Shee not know me neither ?

Maud. But if there be one Valentine among you , A well accomplish'd gentleman . Val.

That 's I , that s I .

Maud. Then sir , I would require your privacy some minutes . Val. Wee l be as private as thou wilt , my girle , Your patience gentlewoman . Know . I wonder Thorowgood what businesse She can have with him . Thor. Hee l declare it . See they are parting . Val.

Tel them I le advise on t .

Maud.

You will be speedy . Exit Maudline .

Val.

Yes , yes , nere doubt my haste , say I me their servant .

Thor.

The businesse Valentine .

Val. Dost not thou know it , Euen by instinct ? Know .

We cannot prophecy .

Val. Thou art a foole then , Does not the harmony of my good parts Speake me the conqueror of all beauties Thorowgood . The wenches are on fire for me . Tho. Their bloods Are alwayes hot i th' Dogdayes : but good Valentine Be serious , did their maid bring newes of love From either of them ? Val. From both , from both , now wert for the statute , That Bigamy my tender conscience Would not much be oppress'd to have two wives , But one of them thy Pinnace , thou shalt man her : But J delay too long , I must goe meete them ; I long to be a kissing , pray heaven their breath Smell not of Marmalade , 't will turne my stomacke . Tho.

You 'll practice our designe I hope .

Val.

Methodically : farewell boyes . Ex. Val.

Tho. Pray be you Sir Timothy , know his entrance : T is such another mad-cap my Scene is . Enter Holdfast . Hold. Nay , come forward Land lord Spoild else . Trist. Bus. T is my Cosens lodgings , pray be bold in 't , As is my Chamber . Cosen this is a Constable . Tho.

He comes not with a warrant .

Hold. No , I le warrant you , I Brought him Sir to see you ; he 's a wit , A very wit , or as the modernes terme it , A sparke , a meere sparke , such a one as I am , Since I left off those idle toyes cald books , He 'll take Tobacco too , and with a grace Spit i th' rub'd chamber , though his testy wife , Crye fie upon him : he 's a very sparke , and worthy your acquaintance . Tris. Come forward sir , you stand as if you 'd cosen'd One of them with bad linnen ; pray advance , My Master is your Leader . Bus.

Save you gentlemen .

Tho. Y' are very welcome Sir , my Cosen speakes you A Citizen of ranke . Know . That you beare office Of honour in your parish . Tho. That y' are witty , Or as he sayes a sparke . Know .

Nay , a good fellow .

Bus. T is granted gentlemen , This is my Character , I am by trade A Linnen Draper . Tho. Would trust me For forty ells of Holland ? Bus. Ha , how 's that sir ? I have more wit I thanke you : cause you seeme A Gentleman of quality , I care not To venture as much Cambricke as shall make Your Crush a gorget , but no farther , sir , There is no wit in 't : how 's that Mr. Holdfast ? Hold.

You are a sparke still Landlord .

Know .

I le sweare in this he 's witty .

Bus. T is my humour , My wit has halfe and one me long ere this ; But for my wit I de beene an Alderman , And twirld a pondrous chaine upon the bench , With as much grace as can the formalst of them : I should have fin'd for Sheriffe , but all Guild Hall Hearing I was a wit , cry'd out upon him , T will breed an alteration in the Senate , To have a wit amongst them . How 's that sir ? Know .

And so you mist preferment .

Tho. And continue I th' state of wisedome still ; an humble Constable ? Hold. Yes , and an honest one , I le say that for him , He ne're stop'd wench in 's watch . Bus. How 's that ? I scorne it , I 've stopt a hundred in my time : how 's that sir ? You relish wit I see . Know . T is so acute , No pallat but most taste it ; shall 's to th' Taverne ? Y' are for a cup I hope ? Bus. For now sir , It is my frequent use , when I have set My watch , to view the Taverne , drinke a quart , And then backe to my businesse , and there wit in 't . Tho. T is granted sir : Come gentlemen , an houre Is our extent of time : good Mr. Constable It shall be yours . Cosen J have some businesse Concernes your knowledge , as we passe along J shall informe you . Exeunt . Enter Valentine , Grace , Clare , Maudlin . Val. You see I me come Vpon your summons . Clar. Sure you mistake , There 's none here is so fond of you to court Your cheap and vulgar presence . Val. Here 's a Letter Speaks other language , you might cloath your discourse In the same phrase , or I shall laugh your folly Into a milder temper , and then leave you . Clar.

You 'r very confident .

Val. No , you 're too coy , I me now i th' humour to be tempted to Love any of you : take me while the fit Is on me , for i me sure t will not endure Longer than does a wealthy widdowes griefe For a loath'd husband . Speak , ha you a mind to me ? Speake quickly , or for ever more hereafter Be sure to hold your peace , and that 's a taske Farre worse then death to any of your sexe . Clar. Her blushes does betray her , wer 't to me , He should finde other usage . Sir my Cosen , I know not how transported by her love , Above her reason , has enthrald her heart To your dispose . I hope sir you 'r so much A Gentleman , you will make civill use Of her affection ; t will be worth your care sir . Besides the rich endearements of her youth , She 's Mistris of a fortune that may challenge A noble retribution for her love . Wee le not disturbe your conference . Ex. Clar. Maud . Grace . Cosen , cosen , you will not leave me thus ? I pray let me goe sir . Val. Thus farre into my armes girle , that 's the place Thou oughtst to rest in : you expect I warrant That I should court you now , and with an armie Of oathes , stuft with as many sinicall falsehoods , Protest I love you : by this light I know not , T is folly to dissemble , whether or no I can affect thee ; yet thou seemst to weare That pretty harmlesse innocence in thy lookes , It wins my credulous thoughts to believe Thou maist be vertuous . Grace . Sir , I hope my owne Too forward zeale , in tendring you my love , Will not in your good thoughts beget an ill Opinion of my modesty . Val. Never fear 't : That freenesse more engages my just faith To embrace thy affection . I have seene some Ladyes , Coy as a Voteresse below their suiters , Yet with a tough-backt groome , have knowne them sin With most libidinous appetite in private ; But J 'me as fearelesse girle , that ought amisse Can staine thy soule , as thou wert confident In setling thy most constant choise upon A stranger ; yet I must desire the reason Why you did love me : for my owne good parts , Certaine they 're not so attractive as to conquer A beautie at first sight . Grace . Since I have Disclos'd my affection to you , ( although love Oft times admits no reason ) i le endeavour To satisfie your question : the first cause Moov'd me to love you , was my father . Val. Hang thy father In 's owne gold chaine : but such another word , And never hope to have me ; dost thou thinke I le be beholding to an eight i th' hundred , To such an empty caske as is thy father , ( Who soon did get his wealth by the old proverbe , Of fooles have fortune ) for a wife ; but that I have some mercy in me to believe Thou maist be virtuous ; I would not match With any of my squeamish Ants of London , For all the wealth i th' Chamber . Grace . Sir , you ask'd , A question of me , and will not permit Me give a civill answer ; as I said , My father — Val. Father agen , farewell , my eares doe blister At the harsh sound : would thou hadst beene a Bastard , So thou hadst no title to his blood : Another father , like a whirlewind , blowes me Hence from thy sight for ever . Gra. Pray heare me . Intends to match me to Sir Timothy Shallow-wit , a creature onely fit for scorne ; Which to prevent , and taken with the fulnesse Of your true worth , I rather chuse to cast My reputation on your noble pitty , Than stand the desperate hazard of my ruine . Val. She loves me by this light , this is no tricke . Now to my Thorowgoods project : th' art a good wench , A harmlesse wench , and I believe a sound one , And I will have thee ; give me thy hand : yet stay , Ere I doe cast my selfe away upon thee , You here shall promise Mistris , to become A most obedient wife , and not according To th' ancient tricke inherent to the City , Raile till you be my Master . Grace .

Never feare me .

Val. Nor shall you , when you 're at my house i th' Country Be niggardly , or spoyle a dinner for Want of the tother ounce of Sugar , nor Repine to see me merry with my friends , Or curse my brothers , when they so journe with me . Nor starve my servants when I am from home . I must be drunke sometimes too , then you must not Whine and cry out , were I a maid agen , I de never marry any that does take This wicked Herbe Tobacco . Those injunctions , And some few hundreds more of the same nature , Seald and deliver'd to me by your promise , I may be wonne to wed thee , nay to bed thee , And get a race of such Heroicke children , As shall intice posterity to conceive Some good came from Cheapside . Your lip shall seale this . Grace .

You see your strengths upon me .

Val. T is my good girle : Thy father , armed with the trained bands o' th City , Shall never pull thee from me : to confirme thee How much I love , i le disclose a plot I had to gaine thy affection . Grace . T is some good one , Pray let me heare it . Val. You see my youth and feature will admit A womans Character ; if I were cloath'd But in the habit , should I not appeare A bouncing Mary Ambree . Grace .

Some such creature ; but to your project .

Val. I have prepar'd mee A handsome female-shape , my man without Has them under his cloake ; and I perswaded Sir Timothy , in hope that would court thee I his behalfe , to have presented me Here for his Neece ; you marke me . Grace . Very well ; but now This the designe is uselesse . Val. By no meanes ; It must be put in action ; come goe in , And helpe to dresse me : Sir Timothy expects To meete me in that shape here : and besides In that disguise , secure I can at any time Steale out with you , and marry you . Gra. Your reason Shall governe my obedience . Val.

Come let 's in then .

Enter Timothy , Covet , Formall . Tim. T is very right that sir , but yet methinkes A wholsome song , sung to a fine new tune , Should not be much amisse : my boy here has one , And I de be very loath , although I cannot Sing , as they say , my selfe , that she should heare What those , I can keep , can doe ; is not this right now ? Cov. Your pleasure shall prevaile , though to say truth , Sonne Shallow-wit , for sonne I still shall call you , I never lik'd a Song , unlesse the Ballad O th' famous London Prentice , or the building Of Britaines Burse : for Musicke , lesse the Virginalls , I never car'd for any . Does but cloy The eares , but never fills the purse sonne . Tim. Very right indeed ; t is too light For such a purpose . Form . With your leave sir , Musicke is most delightfull , and young Mistris Grace , and her Cosen surely will receive it With thankfull Equipage . Tim. Honest Formall , Th' art in the right still ; come exalt thy voyce My little Impe of gut and haire : My Mistris Shall know there 's something in me . How doe you Sings . Like it ? Form .

T is very odoriferous .

Cov. I shall beginne To love it better then I have done ; t is a good boy , A very pretty boy , and i le reward thee . There 's a threepence for thee . Tim. Very right . Father you are too bountifull . Cov. He shall take it , Indeed he shall ; t is manners to receive Mony from your betters boy : but here 's my Neece . Enter Clare . Tim.

Very right , I had almost forgotten , pray where 's mine ?

Cov.

Why , have you a Neece Sir Timothy ?

Tim. Yes , yes , I 've two or three , but one I sent Hither , to view my Mistris in a Coach An houre agoe at least . Sure she is come . Cov.

Clare did you see the gentlewoman ?

Clar.

None such came hither yet Sir .

Tim. That 's not right though , A poxe upon her for her paines . Enter Maudlin . Maud.

Mrs. your Cosen does desire some conference with you .

Cov. Maudlin , Did there a Gentlewoman arrive here lately , To see my daughter ? Maud. There is one within , In busie conference with her . Tim. Very right that , he 's pleading for me now . Faire Damsell that 's my Neece ; pray tell her , here 's A Knight , a simple Uncle of hers , or so , desires her Company . But here she comes , my Mistris with her ; Neece T is well done , i le give thee the tother thousand to increase Thy portion for 't : Mistris , and how , and how do you like my Neece , a plaine Country girle , or so . Cov. A very handsome woman , I could love her , Did I but know her portion . Mistris welcome . What s in that house is yours ? Grace . Sir Timothy , You have much grac'd me by the sweet acquaintance Of this good gentlewoman . Pray Cosen know her ; She 's worthy your endearment . Clare . I shall be proud To doe you service . Val. I most fortunate To be esteem'd your creature . Tim. Very right Shee s a poore niece of mine , yet she can speake you May perceive or see . Enter Thorowgood , Holdfast , Tristram , Knowell . Cla. Life Thorowgood with young Holdfast , pray heaven my folly Has not undone me . Thor. You 'l please to pardon Our rude intention sir , we have some businesse . Cov.

Please you declare 't .

Thor. This gentleman and my selfe , Come to informe you that this sparke my Cosen , Is sonne and heire to sir Geffrey Holdfast , And since I heare you have dispos'd your daughter To that good knight , I in his fathers name , Desire your niece should be his wife . Cla. Pray Sir speake In your owne cause he needs no advocate . Cov. I 've beene abus'd , In this Sir Geffreys son the scholler ? Thor.

The very same sir .

Hold.

I am the sparke sir .

Know . Valentine , i th' name puls off his periwig . Of madnesse : man why in this shape ? Thor.

Valentine , Ha , ha , ha .

Tim.

Very right , my niece is Valentine .

Thor. And how i st bully , hast not found these girles Of a hot appetite , how often ha ? Val. Has my Land-lady Provided me a cullis , life my backe Does needs a swathband . Cov. What meanes this gentleman ? Thor. Nothing sir , But to informe you what strange things your neice , And daughter and , nay never blush he has Perform'd it better then your uncles foreman . I know he has . Covet . Timothy this abuse must not be thus put up , Did not you say I was your Neice . Tim.

Very right , but it was Valentine .

Know .

He has beene here all night too

Grace .

Cosen we are basely betray'd .

Cla.

Take courage .

Thor. Doe you thinke sir , my Cosen shall mixe with such Stale ware that keepe their gamsters in their chambers . Know .

Or this knight have Valentines reversions ?

Tim.

Very right , I scorne it .

Thor. Keepe them . they I serve to set up some twise Broken Merchant , or undone Linnen-draper , come away Valentine , thou hast made a brave discovery . Farewell , My witty virgines , you are payd now . Exeunt . Cov. I le be reveng'd for this , and if it cost me Halfe my estate Formall send post , for sir Geffrey , The whole towne shall know of this abuse . I le make you fast enough . Explicit Actus tertius .

Actus Quartus , Scena prima . Grace , Clare , Busie , Luce . Busie . THey are both sparkes , that 's certaine , if ere I take them in my watch , I le make them stoope Under my staffe of office , Mistris Clare , Though I 'me a Citizen , and by my charter , Am not allowed much wit , as being free Oth Linnen-drapers , and a man in office , Yet if my counsell , if you please to follow it , Doe not revenge you on these sawcy mad caps , May taking up of Holland at deare rates , Be quite abjur'd by courtiers : and I canvas'd Out of authority , how 's that now ? Clare . Master Busie , You seeme of sage discretion : and to say Truth , I conceive you have the stocke of wit Belonging to the city in your custody , You are the chamber of London , where that treasure Is hoarded up , and I doe hope you can Be true and secret . Busie . How 's that Lady ? I were unworthy else to thrive by linnen , Could I not keepe smocke secrets for your uncle , Your father mistris Grace , I care not for him , Although he be right worshipful and an Alderman , As I may say to you he has no more Wit then the rest o th' bench : what lies in 's thumbe-ring , Yet I doe love you deerely for the kindnesse Shown to my girle here , and because you have Some flashes in your braines : and since you have Opend the case to me , ere we proceed To sentence , tell me seriously doe not you two Love Valentine , and Freewit ? Grace . For my owne part , And I dare say as much too for my cosen , Their memories are as distant from our hearts , As civill honesty from theirs . Clare . And though I well could like that Freewit for a husband , Yet in mere spight because he shal not have me , I le wed the next mans offered me . Busie . How 's that ? I would my wife were dead ; two comely lasses , Such as sometimes I light on in my watch , would make fit wives for such rude sparks , and t' shal Goe hard but I will for your sakes sweete beauties , Number a brace of such sound curtell to them , If you 'l give way to it . Cla. And crowne thee for The king of witty Constables use our names , Or any thing to draw them forward , that Wee may in triumph laugh at their disgrace , And wee l procure a pattent , to continue Thy office to thee , during life : and after To hire some ingenious poet that shall keepe Thy fame alive in a brave Epitaph Grav'd on thy marble . Enter Covet , Sir Geffrey Holdfast , Sir Timothy , young Holdfast . Geff

What varlet should that be ?

Cov. Truth I know not , Nor can conjecture , yet I did believe Him to be truely yours , because attird I th' habit and the phrase of a right Scholler , And for your sonne , pardon me master Holdfast , I tooke you for some lewd audacious varlet , That had usurpt that title . Hold. I imagine It was some bastard of my fathers , gotten In youth upon his Taylors wife or Landresse , He has good store of them , but master Alderman You now conceive I me son and heire apparent Unto the Holdfasts , whosoever got me , That 's not much matter . Bus. How 's that , anon before I set my watch , I le visit you agen : meanetime , pray give my Daughter Luce leave to come home , her sister Poore wretched , is troubled with a paine i th' Bottome o th' body , pricks even to her very heart , And I would have Luce goe to th' Pothecaries , And get some Besar stone , they say 't will cure her . Farewell good Ladies , you 'l be sure to come Luce . Ex. Busie . Geff. Are these the maidens , I promise you master Alderman the 'r virgins of good feature , and I shall Be well apaid if my sonne match to either , Which lik'st thou best boy ? Hold. Both of them good father , Be not so troublesome , but let me take A view of them : Sir Timothy which doe you Like best of these two Ladies ? Tim. Which doe you Like best good Mr. Holdfast . Hold. Yours shall be The choyce noble Sir Timothy . Tim. Yours indeed , Magnanimous Mr. Holdfast . Hold.

On my gentility yours .

Tim.

Yours on my knighthood .

Cov. Good sir Timothy , No striving , they are free for you , and for The staine those idle gallants put upon them , T was on my credit gentlemen to keepe All other suitors off , in hope by that meanes To obtaine them for themselves . Tim. T is very likely That Valentine's a wagge . Cov. Daughter and neice , This hopefull gentleman , and this good knight are By my care provided for your husbands , pray use Them as befits their worth , and take it As a fatherly admonition ; either resolve To marry these or none . Cla. T is a hard choyce sir , Yet rather then our maiden-heads shall starve , Wee l feed on this course fare , young wenches uncle , Are like young hungry Hawkes : they 'l stoope at Jack-daws , when they can meet with no better prey , Draw neerer thou doughty knight , and thou good Squire o th' damsells , Uncle these youthes are bashfull in the Presence of you two their grave Elders : your grim beards , And azure notes able are to fright Their precise love to silence . Tim. Shee s i th' right , I me such a fearefull foole I cannot speake , If any body looke on me . Geff. Let 's withdraw , Now plye thy businesse boy . Clare . So now the game Exe. Sir Geffery and Covet . Will begin presently : I pray you tell me Which of you is the valiant Rosicleer , Dares breake his Launce on me . Tim. Marry that would I If I durst be so bold , mine is a stiffe one , And will pricke sorely . Clare . A fooles bable i st not ? But come in briefe to th' purpose : is it you Sir knight of the ill favored face , That would have me for your Dulcina ? Tim. Very right , You know my minde as well it seemes as if You 'r in my belly . Grace . So then you are sped : This gentleman 's my comely spouse that must be , T were fitting Cosen Clare er t be a bargaine , They know on what conditions they doe cast Themselves away upon us . Hold. T was discreetly Thought on , I would doe nothing rashly . Clare . Marke then You men that will transforme your selves to Monsters , wretches that will become so miserable , You 'l hang your selves : & think it a faire rid dance , Marke what you l come to , if you be so mad , So desperate mad to wed us , you must first , Resolve like patient gulls to have your noses Twingd if ours' chance to itch : your eares like asses When they grow lasie cropt , least they oreheare Our chamber secrets , for our recreation , And least with too much ease we should grow resty , Wee l beat you daily : while you like tame Spanells , Shall fawne and licke our shooe-strings . Grace . Nor expect , To get a good word from us in a twelve month , Hourely revilings and perpetuall noyses Shall be as favours taken that we would Vouchsafe to spend in such regardlesse trifles , Wee 'l be as proud as ere our mothers were , When she was Lady Majoresse , and you humble , As her trim hench-boyes : whatsoever servants You kept before , although they were your grandsires , You shall turne off and limmit your attendants , As t is the city fashion to a woman Butler , that shall not dare without our license , To let you have a penny pot of sacke To give a frugall entertainment , to Your visiting friends . Clare . If you have a brother , Kinseman , or friend , that does in pitty grieve at The tyranny you live in , him it shall be felony To converse with , we in tissue and plush will Brave it while you walke in fustian , wee l When we please have our faire coach and horses To carry us up to London to aske counsell of Our mothers and our gossips how to abuse you . You shall be still obedient , we commanding , And if a Lord or courtly gentleman , Whom we stile servant , out of love sometimes Gives us a visit , you shall not repine : If we forsake your bed to goe to his . Gra. And if you chance , as fooles will oft be Peeping to spye us coupling , with respective silence , You shall depart , not daring to bedew Your eyes with tears for grief that you are cuckolds , Nor to exalt your honors above your neighbours , But big with joy triumph that you have wives That are in so much credit , as to have Persons of quality , take the paines to get your Heires to your large revenewes . Tim. Very right , T is not the fashion now adayes for knights To get their owne sons , t is sufficient for us If we can leave them lands , no matter who Was their true fathers . Cla. Say sir Timothy If upon these conditions you can like The match is perfect : but faith take my counsell , Make not your selves meere raskalls : the reproach To boyes and schollers , subjects fit for ballads , Not worthy M Ps name to them , good Sir Timothy Have pitty on your selfe , and marry rather In your owne tribe , some damsell that can churne , Make Cheese and Apple pies with Currants in them , And Mr. Holdfast t were farre better for you to Match with some grave doctors impe at Cambridge Or else as t was your use when you 'r a student , Lye with your bed maker . Tim. Very right , Yet I doe know all this is but in jest , To make us love you better . Hold. True sir Timothy ; Speake as it were to let us understand By an Irony as we the learned call it , How well they meane to use us : therefore in My judgement it were requisit with all speed , While there in this good humour To strike the match up . Tim. Very right , we are No Jackdawes to be fright with these Scar-crowes , Mistris your hand , and if you 'l have me so , If not so likewise : but you will repent it , You 'l scarcely meet two that will offer fairer Then we have done . Cla. But doe you meane performance , Truely of these conditions . Hold. As sincerely As ere we meane to eate . Tim. Or drinke good Ale At mother Huffs a mornings . Grace . You 'll confesse this Before the Priest and witnesses . Hold. Before The Congregation , or at a Commencement Before the University . Clar. That you 'll be Honest contented Cuckolds , beare your heads As peaceably , and with as much obedience , As the tam'st beast i th' City . Tim.

On my Knight-hood .

Hold.

On my gentility .

Clar. Why then strike hands on 't ; Since you will needs undoe your selves , 't were folly To indeavour to redeeme you : but this night We will be marry'd , and in private , Not yours nor our friends being acquainted with it . Wee le meet you any where , procure the license , And wee le be ready ; so farewell : to night , Or not at all le ts heare from you . Exeunt Clara , Grace . Hold. And feele us too ere morning , 't shal goe hard else . Sir Timothy , was not this wisely carryed : To let them have their sayings ? but we will not Be such starke fooles to doe what we have promis'd ; When they 're ours once , we may rule them easily At our owne pleasures . Tim. Very right ; and use them At our owne pleasures : But see here 's your Mr. And Mr. Constable your Landlord . Enter Grimes , Busie . Hold. Landlord , welcome On my Gentility , to my house that must be . Thou thoughtst , because I did weare Lokram shirts I de no wit : but harke thee , I have got The wench of Gold : Sir Timothy , and I Have strucke the stroake old boy : to night 's the night , Thou shalt know more of it ere twelve of Cloake , And then believe me : Grimes goe you to th' office ; There 's mony , fetch a Licence . Tim. There 's more money , Bring me a Licence too ; sure as we woo'd Wee le wed together , Busie . How 's this ? Gentlemen I shall have gloves I hope . Hold. And favours too , Thy daughter Nell shall have my Bride gatters , And thy fore-man my poynts : But honest Landlord , I know th' art excellent at a device , This matter must be private , not my father , Nor Mr. Alderman must be acquainted , Till all is finished : Could thy wit but helpe us To plot this finely : Clare and Grace will meet us , At any place where wee le appoynt . Bus. How 's that ? I le set you presently i th' way ; my house Shall be your randevous : soone after ten . The houre of meeting : there I le have prepar'd For the two Ladyes a Sedan : that shall Carry them thence unseene through the watch At Ludgate , where I exercise my office , Into white-Friers , there shall a little Levite Meet you , and give you to the lawfull bed . With much celerity : give me your mony , & i le take out the licence . How 's that now ? Tim.

Very right .

Bus. Meane time my daughter Luce shall give them notice How all 's contriv'd , they 'll be willing , When they shall know the managing 's committed To my discretion ; but about your businesse ; It will grow late o th' suddaine . Hold.

Come Sir Timothy . Ex. Hold . Tim. Grimes .

Bus. So , so , as I would have it : if I doe not Doe something to exalt the fame of Constables , May I be hang'd upon my staffe of Office . Ha! Valentine and Freewit with my daughter ? They must not see me . Exit . Enter Valentine , Free-wit , Luce . Luce. T is certaine Mr. Freewit they are contracted , And this night to be marryed : I am sorry You should be thus supplanted , by two such Dull witlesse ideots : but they are so bent on 't , That when I speake in your behalfes , my Mistris Ent. Clar. Grace . Stopt my mouth with a blow o th' lips : see here They are themselves ; if you doe any good , It must be now or never . Ex. Luce . Clar. Grace .

Ha , ha , ha .

Free .

What doe the Monkyes laugh at ?

Clar. To behold Two such trim gallants as your selves , like Asses , Shaking your empty Noddles ore the Oates You faine would eate , but must not lick your lips at . You thought to have wonne us by your wit , where lyes it ? In your gay cloaths ; perhaps so , if you can Out-sweare the faithfull Tayler , that 's unpaid yet . Or cheat your Sempstresse . Troth make safe retreat Into the Suburbs , there you may finde cast wenches , Who will in pitty have you : and for dowry , Bring you an ampler stocke of hot diseases , Than you are already furnish'd with . We Orphans O th' City have more charity to our selves , Than to wed Surgeons boxes . Grace . When our portions Shall be consum'd in Pothecaries Bills , Or giving Doctors fees ; or at best use , Serve but to purchase Sacke ; or be as tribute Paid to th' three Kings ; or piously bestowed Upon Ierusalem . Free . No , you 'd best reserve them , Till these you wed be beg'd for fooles ; and then They will be seas'd to better use . You think now You have broake our gulls with anger that you have Resolv'd on other husbands : who would have you ? But two such ideots , fit to be the styles To the vast pride and lust lurkes in your blood , Derivative from the City : for our selves , Why should you have a thought we could descend So much from gentries honour , to mixe with you ? T is true , you appeare handsome , but you paint Worse then a Bawd , or waiting-woman , in love With the spruce Chaplaine . Val. For your haire let 's see Your eye-browes badge : oh t is not your owne ; Be modest and confesse it : t is a Peruke , I saw it at the French-mans in the Strand , The other day : and though you hold your head up , It is suppos'd it growes too neare your shoulders , And you weare iron bodyes , to keep downe And rectifie the crooked paths that are In this same hill your body . Free . Nay , besides Y' are infinitely lascivious , t is reported Y 'ave kild the reverend Alderman at least , Ten Prentises , besides foure journy-men . With too much labour : That you will be drunke Our selves can testifie : and with these imperfections This inexhausted Magazin of vices , Could you imagine we would have you ? no . Heaven give you joy , with your well-chosen spouses : May they be patient Cuckolds , that 's all the harme Wee le wish them : the more fooles , more fit for husbands To such hot wild cats . Clare . Well Mr. Free-wit , I thought how ever we , in mirth , or madnesse , Could have transgrest civility , that you Would not have made such a severe construction Of our intentions : how i 've lov'd you , heavens Can beare me righteous witnesse ; but mans faith weeps . Is fickle as his shadow , never seene , But when the Sunne shines . Grace . And that you , whom I Even at the first view lov'd , and fixt my heart on : Should not alone contemne me , but with these Abuses wound my fame , torments my soule Beyond the strength of patience , heaven forgive you . Free . They are our owne , deare Valentine : our owne as surely , As if the officious Priest had put the Ring Upon their pretty fingers ; why you need not Take words with such unkindnesse Clare yourselves Being the occasion . Clar. Such discourtesies From friends ; nay , such beloved friends as you were , Wounds deeply Mr. Freewit . Free . Prethee Clara No more remonstrances of this unkindnesse , Drye thy faire eyes , or I shall else grow childish , And weep for company : poore heart i 'me sorry Th' art thus distemper'd ; prethee sweet forgive me ; We will be friends , and instantly steale hence , And end all difference in a happy marriage . Clar. Ha , ha , ha : hold the mans head , heel swowne I feare o th' suddaine : marry you ; goe boast How you 've abus'd us , and doe not forget This part o th' story , t will much grace the action , That you were foold agen into beliefe That we could love you : ha , ha , ha . Ex. Clare , Grace . Val. We have made our selves fine fooles , a poxe upon them : I knew their teares could not be serious : They onely fell from their left eye , as wealthy Young widowes weep for their old husbands , Freewit They 're lost , past all recovery . Free . Who can helpe it ; There are more wives i th' Kingdome ; yet I me vext That two such gulls should carry them : le ts goe seeke Sir Timothy and my Cozen Holdfast out , And geld them , then proclaime them to be Eunuchs . That course may spoile their marriage . Enter Busie . Bus. I have o're-heard them all , and it conduces . Much to my purpose : now , or never Busie Shew thy selfe a true sparke , that Constables Hereafter may be thought to have some wit , More than is in their staffe . Good day to you gallants , I have some businesse with you . Val.

Your name is Busie ?

Bus. The same body , Your friend , although a Constable ; there were two Ladyes Went lately from you . Free .

What of that ?

Bus. They told me , as I am of their councell , that they lov'd you . And though some words of course had past between you , As oft does among friends : you know the Proverbe put lately In a Ballad , where I learnd it , that amantiumirae amoris redintegratio est : yet that was but in jest , and in all haste , Wished me to assure you , that if you would speedily Take out the Licences this very night , twixt nine and ten , at my House they would meet you , and joyne with you in Matrimony . Free .

Is this truth ?

Bus. How 's that ? upon the faith sir of a man in office , You may believe me : for a Priest , leave that To my care gentlemen , i le have one ready Privately in White-Friers , the house anon I will enforme you , and what way to take To misse pursuit , if any should endeavour Your apprehension . Val.

How may we deserve this kindnes from you ?

Bus. When t is done , then thanke me ; meane time make haste , and get the licences . Ex. Free . Val. I will pursue the rest , and if I fit not some body , Ent. Luce . Let me be held as other of my fellowes are , Asses in office . Luce thou art come as aptly as I could wish : be sure at nine of Clock to be at home , and if you can bring with you two of the gentlewomens gownes , question not why ? But on my blessing doe it ; if this hit , Time shall report some Constables have wit . Ex. Explicit Actus Quartus .

Actus Quintus , Scena prima . The Watch . 1 Watch . IT is a cold night neighbour , And t is likely we shall have frost , That will make Sea-coales deare : heaven helpe poore people . Is no newes stirring neighbour ? Men. 2 Wat. Yes , to day I heard such newes , heaven blesse us , as would make A mans heart quake in 's belly ; strange , and true , It came up in a Carret Boat from Sandwich Last tide ; an Oister wife , a good old Woman , Heard it at Billingsgate , and told my wife on it , 3 Watch .

What is it ? pray le ts heare it .

Men. 2 Wat. Marry , that twixt Deale And Dover , one fishing for Flounders , drew A Spaniards body up , slaine i th' late sea-fight , And searching him for monie , found i th' sets Of his great Ruste the — I shall think on 't presently , T is a hard word — the Inquisition . 1 Wat. O monstrous , what 's that ? I have not heard of such a Beast before . Men. 3 Wat. You 've heard nothing then : It is a Monster very like the Man-drake Was shewen at Temple Barre . 2 Wat. You have heard nothing neither : The Monster 's no such Monster : neighbor Mandivell You are a zealous brother , a Translator , T is such a Monster as will swallow thee , And all the Brethren at Amsterdam , And in new England at a morsell : verilies , Your yeas , and nayes will not appease its stomacke , T will sup them up as easily as a Tayler Would doe sixe hot loaves in a morning fasting , And yet dine after . Enter Busie and Parson . Bus. There is the Licence sir for Mr. Holdfast , And wise Sir Timothy ; you have instructions How things ought to be carryed : when I have Dispos'd my Watch , I will be there my selfe ; Meane time good Sir be carefull . Pars. Doubt me not , Good Mr. Constable ; t is not the first time I have espoused couples of as much worship , Behinde the Brickhills : when t is done , t is done , And surely consummate . Ex. Parson . Bus. Well said neighbours , Y' are chatting wisely o're your Bils and Lanthorns , As becomes Watch-men of discretion : pray you Let 's have no wit amongst you ; no discourse O' the Common-wealth ; I need not neighbours give you Your charge to night : onely for fashion sake . Draw neare and be attentive . 3 Men. I have edified More by your charge I promise you , than by Many a mornings exercise . Bus. First , then , You shall be sure to keep the peace ; that is , If any quarrell , be i th' streets , sit still , and keepe Your rusty Bills from blood-shed ; and as 't began So let it end : onely your zeales may wish The Devill part them . 1 Wat.

Forward Mr. Constable .

Bus. Next , if a thiefe chance to passe through your watch , Let him depart in peace ; for should you stay him , To purchase his redemption he 'le impart Some of his stolne goods , and you 're apt to take them , Which makes you accessary to his theft , And so fit food for Tiburne . Men. Good advise , I promise you , if we have grace to follow it . Bus. Next if a drunkard of a man disguisd , Desire to passe the gate , by all means open 't , You 'l run your selves into th' premunire , For your authority stretches but to men , And they are beasts by statute . 1 Wat. Such as we are , Horn'd beasts he means . Bus. How 's that ; you carry lanthornes , Thou hast wit , and I le reward 't , there 's foure tokens To buy the cheese : next for the female creatures , Which the severer officers i th' suburbs Terme girles , or wenches , let them passe without Examining where they been : or taking from them A single token : lasse good soules , they get Their mony hard , with labours of their bodies , And to exact on those were even extortion Beyond a brokers . Men. Yet they doe 't Without the City , I have heard a brewer , Being one yeare in office , got as much from those Good soules as bought him a new mash-fat , And mended all his coolers . Bus. How 's that ? we are bidden Not to take ill examples , for your selves you have Free leave for th' good o th' common wealth to Sleepe after eleven : meane time you may play at Tray trip , or cockall for blacke puddings , So now your charge is finish'd . Enter Sir Timothy , Grimes , Holdfast , with a Sedan . 1 Wat.

Stand , who goes there ?

Men.

Come before Mr. Constable .

Hold. T is I Landlord , There 's sixteen pence to buy thy watch some Ale . Prithee tie up their tongues . Tim. And there 's four groates To purchase tosts to it . Bus. How 's that , pray stay my masters , You 'r sober men and fit to be examin'd : Whither goes all this carriage ? close , These are the cunningst wodden bawdy houses , Were ere invented , and these blew coate men mules , The most authenticke pimps : set downe and open Your chaire of sinne you varlets Hold. Why good Landlord , You will spoyle all , doe you not know your tenent , Not Ieremy Holdfast ? Bus. How 's that ? not my father Upon a watch , I le lay my life they 've stolne Some city orphane , they 'r so loath to have Their load discover'd . Hold. There 's ten shillings Landlord To buy thee sack : although it be thy office , And thou art sworne to 't , for a friend t is lawfull To breake an oath : I will forsweare my selfe A hundred times to doe thee good . Exeunt Holdfast , Timothy , Grimes , and Sedan Bus. I am Appeas'd , march on : looke you remember my Instructions : so this money was well gotten , And 't shall as merrily be spent , you need no More , club your halfe pence sparkes to purchase Ale , You 've an exchequer : ha ! another chariot , Int. This same should be some Lady from a labor , Her waiters smell of groning cheese : goodnight Gentlemen , pay the Porter , what i st twelve pence ? Share it amongst you . Men. Mr. Constable T is very late , a fire and a browne tost now , With some of mother Trundles Ale , I promise you Would comfort much the inwards . Bus. How 's that hang it , It is hereticall : Sack 's the Orthodoxall Liquor : and now I thinke on t , you two , and Mendwell Shall with me to th' Saint Johns head : there is A cup of pure Canary , and wee have it , T will breake your heads , your owne bills , And weare your Lanthornes in your noses bullies : My masters , you that stay behinde observe My charge with strictnesse , and if any businesse Be of importance , call me . Exit cum Cæteris . 1 Wat. Now my masters , Shall I expound a motion to you , shall wee Share , and share like this mony ? 4 Wat.

With all our hearts . Omnes .

1 Wat. Let s see what comes it to a peece : there 's eleven groats , And we are five of us , that is — that is , let me see seven pence a piece . No , no , I lye , t is eight pence , and six pence over . 4 Wat. Right , right , this it is to be booke-learn'd , He 's a good Arithmetician : but stay neighbours , Here comes more company : come before the Constable . Enter Covet , Sir Geffery , Formall with a Linke . Cov. This is the government the city keepes , How doe you lik 't Sir Geffery ? Geff. Very well , I doe not thinke all Christendome affoords The like for formall discipline . 1 Wat. Leave your prating , And come before the Constable , though he be not Here himselfe , there s those that can examine you ? Cov. You doe well masters to keepe diligent watch , There s many varlets at these houres commit Disorders in the City : Where s the constable ? 1 Wat. Good master Alderman , I cry your worship mercy , Because your worship wanted your worshipfull horse . We did not know you : Mr. Constable And please your worship is but at next doore Drinking a pint of sacke Cov.

How at a Taverne ?

1 Wat. At the Saint Johns head , And please your worship , where if your worship please , You may have excellent sacke , and please your worship . Cov. This is the fowlst enormity I ever Heard on i th' city , that a Constable , Who ought to see good orders kept , should be At these unlawfull houres , breeding disorder , And in an open Taverne . Good Sir Geffery Beare me but company , I le make the knave A faire example to all men in office , how they Come nere a bush : watchmen looke well To the charge committed to you : for your Constable , I le make him kisse the counter , light on Formall . Exit Covet , cum caeteris . 1 Wat. A shrewd man this , if ere he live to be Lord Majors , ha mercy upon us ; neighbours surely T is very late , and I was up till twelve Last night a mending my wives bodies , shall we Each to his bulke and take a nod ? Omnes .

Agreed , agreed . Exit . Watch .

Busie , Mendwell , watchmen set in a Taverne . Bus. Set downe your trusty Bills my sparkes , and let us Watch ore a cup of Sacke , here t is will make you Each one an Alderman : a bigger glasse boy , I doe not love these thimbles , they are fit For none but precise Taylors , that doe sip , In zeale , and sweare cuds nigs over their wine , To cheat their customers : so this is something . A score or two of these my sparkes , will set Our braines a floate , and then wee l talke as wisely , As all the common Counsell , how 's that now ? Men. Mr. Constable Y' are in the right I promise you : I feele My selfe already growing from a watchman Into a head-borow . Bus. How 's that ? thou shalt be A Constable within this halfe houre Mendwell , Carry thy staffe with the red Crosse and Dagger In as much state , as the best gold smith , That ere bore office in Cheap-side ; here 's to thee , Hang care and Cosenage ; let mercers use it In the darke shops : I am a Linnen Draper , Love wit and Sacke , and am resolv'd to thrive by 't , When they shall break like bottles : Here le ts canvas This quart , and then will bumbaste off another , And drinke a health to Holland , and the mad boyes That traile the puissant Pike there : how 's that ; doe you peepe ? Enter Fidlers Boy . Boy .

Please you hear a good song Gentlemen ?

Bus. These squeakers , doe claime more Priviledge in a Taverne , Then a man in office ; into every roome They thrust their frisled heads ; and I de bin at it With some distressed Damsell , that I had taken Late in my watch , thus I de bin serv'd : i le have An Edict made against them at Guild Hall , Next sitting certainely . Boy .

A very new song and please your worships gentlemen .

Bus. There you lye boy ; I doubt it is some lamentable stuffe , O th' Swine-fac'd gentlewoman , and that you le grunt out Worse than a parish Boare when he makes love Unto the Vicars sow ; her story 's stale boy , 'T has beene already in two playes . Boy . An 't please your worships , My song is of a Constable . Bus. How 's that ? a Constable , T is not my selfe ; I hope i me not exalted Into a ballad : Dare you sirrah abuse Officers in your Madrigalls ; you deserve , And so does he that made it , to be whipt for 't . Boy .

Pray heare it sir : t is no such matter on my credit .

Bus. How 's that ? Well , on thy credit I will heare it . Call in your company ; welcome my Masters : Ent. Musicians . Here : wet your wesands first , then thunder forth Some lofty Sonnets in the praise of Constables ; And never feare the whipping-post hereafter .

Constables 2 Song . SIng and rejoyce , the day is gone . And the wholsome night appeares . In which the Constable on Throne Of trusty bench , does with his Peeres The comely watch ; men sound of health , Sleep for the good o th' Common-wealth . T is his office to doe so , Being bound to keep the peace . And in quiet sleep all know Mortall jarres , and lewd brawles cease : A Constable may then for 's health , Sleep for the good o th' Common-wealth . Vnlesse with Nobler thoughts inspir'd , To the Taverne here sort , Where with Sacke his Sences fir'd , He raignes as fairy King in Court ; Drinking many a lusty health , Then sleepes for th' good o th' Common-wealth . With a comely girle , whom late He had taken in his watch , Oft he steales out of the gate Her at the old sport to watch , Though it may impaire his health , He sleeps with her for th' good o th' Common-wealth . Who then can Constables deny To be persons brave and witty , Since they onely are the eye , The Glory , the delight o th' City , That with staffe , and Lanthorne light Are like blacke Pluto Princes of the night .

Mus.

An excellent Ditty I promise you .

Busie . Well done boy . There 's twelve pence for you Knaves , and tell the Poet That made it , if hee le come to me , i le give him A quart of Sacke to whet his Muse . Ent. Drawer . Draw . Sir , below there 's one enquires for you , and I suppose him To be at least an Alderman . Bus. And if he be The Major and his horse , let them come up . Flinch Squeakers into another roome : Good Mr. Alderman T is strange you are abroad so late , wil 't please you Ent. Cov. Sir Geff. Formall . To taste a cup a Sack , t will warme your stomacke After your walking . Cov. No Sirrah , i le not be Partaker of your riot : this the watch You keep good Mr. Constable ? introth The City 's much beholding to your care , And they shall understand it , in a Taverne A fit place for an Officer : but i le send you To one fitter for you to the Counter . Lay hands I charge you , beare him hence , I le have you all laid fast else . Bus. How 's that ? I hope you le let us Drinke off our sacke first : t were farre better sir , In my poore judgment , that you sate down in peace , As does befit your gravity , and drinke A friendly cup or two : then for the first Offence to send your neighbour to the Counter : Pray sir be not so fierce ; a glasse , or two Will mollifie your hard heart . Cov. Will you not stirre knaves ? Where is the Master of the house ? i le make This Busie an example . Bus. Pray doe not sir : Perhaps y' are bashfull sir , and will not drinke , Cause you want coyne to pay : i le lend you some ; Or if you scorne to borrow , you may dip Your chaine ; a good pawne never shames the master . Pray sit downe sir ; we just now had Musicke , I le call them in agen . Cov. Within , the master of the house , i le have These knaves indicted for this bold contempt , And whipt about the City . Bus. You may see sir , My Watch-men know their duty , they 'll obey None but the Constable , and i le experience , If they 'le know me for one : My masters , take This Alderman and his company I charge you , And carry them straight to th' Counter , i le secure you 'Gainst all the harme that followes . Seise on the Alderman and Sir Geffery . Men.

Come , come , come along sir .

Cov.

Dare you doe this sirrah ?

Bus. Yes , and answer 't too sir . Y 'ave met a Constable that has the wit , To know the power of 's office : neighbour Mendwel , Because they 'le take him for a Rat i th' Counter , And I de be loath to have his reverend board Be twitch'd off for his Garnish , to my house Convey him , and that comely Knight , and bid My maid shew them a Chamber ; i le deale kindlier With you , then you 'd have done with me : there watch them Till I come home : how 's that now ? Cov.

Sirrah , sirrah , i le make you smoak for this .

Mend.

Come , we lose time sir .

Bus. Let him have A good fire pray you . So , all works as 't had bin Molded afore in waxe : boy there 's your reckoning . Now to my sparkes , I ve done that will be talkt on i th' City , And registred , a Constable was witty . Freewit , Thorowgood , Valentine , Luce , Clare . Clar. You thinke you have us sure now . This same Busie Is a meere cheating Rascall . Thor. Come , your rage Is uselesse now : he has done better for you , Than I by th' circumstance perceive you had Intended for your selves : what would you 've done With two such March-pane husbands ? I believe , For all you set a good face on the matter , T was your owne plot . Clar. Ours ? then may we dye Virgins , And these same trusty youths , now cald our husbands , Be suddainly transform'd to Eunuchs ; we Had thought young Holdfast , and Sir Timothy Had bin the Squires had usher'd us , and them We had resolv'd to couple with . Free . Sweete Clare No more of this ; for all your queint dissembling . I know you love us , better than to part For a slight quarrell ; now we 're man and wife , And we will love you , if you 'll be obedient , And get such Boyes upon you , as shall people Cheap side with wit five generations after us . Val. Feare not thy fathers frownes : sweet Grace I have An Aldermans heire a joyncture . Enter Busie . Bus. Blesse you my hearts of gold , and give you joy . Frowne not good Mistris Clare , I knew your minde And so fulfild it . Free . Constable , i le have Thy Annalls writ , in a farre larger volume , Than Speed or Hollingshed . Clar. Well Mr. Busie , Y 'ave serv'd us sweetly . Bus. How 's that ? I hope your husbands Anon will serve you sweetlier : faith I thought There was no wit in 't , that you two should cast Your selves away on two such gulls , your portions . Deserv'd more noble husbands : therefore finely After you were gone downe , to take your Chariot , Instead of them , when i th' meane while my daughters Held in discourse , I sent these , now your husbands : To exercise their office : Now you are marryed . I shall have Gloves I hope ? Clar. Yes , and such favours As thou shalt weare in triumph : but what have you Done with our other sweet-hearts ? Bus. How 's that ? matcht them To two will hold them play : Come will you travaile Your father Mistris Grace is at my house , Thither you shall , and if he will be angry , Let him be pleas'd agen : Advance my sparkes , I le be your valiant Leader . Exeunt . Sir Geffery , Covet , Formall , Watchmen . Geff. Storme not so Mr. Alderman , the man Has done no more beleev 't , than what his office Will beare him out in . Cov. I le spend a thousand Pound , but I le be reveng'd : a sawcy rascall In my owne Ward to serve me thus ? Enter Timothy , Holdfast , Grimes , Luce , Nell . Hold. Nay , come forward Ladyes , Although your father sweet-heart , be in our search , Be not abash'd , come forward , though you kept Your tongues in peace , ere since our going forth , And nere spake word , unlesse before the Parson When we committed Matrimony , yet now Pull off your Maskes and Vailes , and shew your faces , Be not asham'd of them . Cov. Who 's here ? Sir Timothy and your sonne , I le lay My life on 't they have struck a marriage up Without our knowledge . Geff.

Very likely Ieremy .

Hold. No more words sir , t is done , I and sir Timothy we hit the white : Good father Covet be not angry mood now I have wed your daughter , And he your Neece , wee le use them kindly : pray you Bid give us joy ; your daughter is so fearefull , She dares not aske you blessing . Cov.

This qualifies all anger , I forgive them .

Luce. Forgive us sir ? you doe not heare us aske it , Not need we your remission . Cov. Ha! who are these ! Sir Geffery we are cheated Abhominably , cheated by this Constable , This rascall Busie , these are his daughters . Luce. Nor are we asham'd To owne him for our father , that has provided Us two such wealthy husbands . Hold. Nell , I did not thinke you would have serv'd me thus Unkindly , gentle Nell . Nel. Unkindly sir , in what ? to make you master Of all I have . I le use you kindly trust me ; When you come drunke a nights home , in the morning I le make you amber Caudles . Hold. Saist thou so ; Give me thy hand : Father pray be not angry , My Wife 's my wife , and so I will maintaine her Gainst all the world . Sir Timothy , your spouse Is not to be contemn'd , she 's a good girle . And therefore pray regard her . Tim. Very like ; for your sake I will doe much : Although I find my selfe Made a starke Asse . Come hither Luce Enter Clare , Grace , Thorougood , Freewit , Valentine , Busie . Grace .

Your pardon Sir , and blessing .

Clar. We have done sir What cannot be undone , now if you will Be foolish now , and vexe your selves , you may Be laught at for your labour ; they 're our husbands , And we no cause now to repent our choyce , Nor you Sir to repine at . Free . Our duties And after carriage , shall deserve your love , Nor our fortunes Sir so meane , but may Merit their portions Cov. Well , you shall not Report me cruell ; you have my consent , And blessing with it ; neighbour Busie , I le Be friends with you , and at my intreaty Sir Geffery shall be reconcil'd . Bus. How 's that ? Give me thy fist good brother Knight , my daughters Shall not come without portions ; they shall have Each one a Bolt of Holland , that 's enough . Sonne Knight give me thine too ; and sonne Holdfast Wee le be as merry boyes , and drinke old Sacke In plenteous glasses , till we all grow witty , As humorous Poets ; to your beds , the 're ready , Your wedding dinner shall be mine , wee le dance . And have the Song o th' Constable ; March faire , And get each one a chopping boy by Morning ; I and my Watchmen here will drinke your healths , Though we doe lose our owne by it . Free . Mr. Busie , Wee 're all beholding to you , and 't is fit , We should confesse this Constable had wit .

FINIS .