A mastif vvhelp and other ruff-island-lik currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time. Goddard, William, fl. 1615. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A01793 of text S105740 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 11928). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 101 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 42 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2018 A01793 STC 11928 ESTC S105740 99841466 99841466 6051 2240872261

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A01793) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 6051) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 344:04) A mastif vvhelp and other ruff-island-lik currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time. Goddard, William, fl. 1615. [84] p. By George Waters], and are to bee sould, where they are to be bought, Imprinted amongst the Antipides [i.e. Dordrecht : [1616?] Dedication signed: Willyam Goddard. Verse satire. With a title-page woodcut. The imprint is fictitious: printed 1616? by George Waters in Dordrecht (STC). Signatures: A-K⁴ L² . Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. eng Satire, English. eebo A mastif vvhelp and other ruff-island-lik currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes. Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of t Goddard, William, 1616 84 17812 100 0 0 0 0 0 56.14 D The rate of 56.14 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the D category of texts with between 35 and 100 defects per 10,000 words. 2003-10 Assigned for keying and markup 2003-10 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-11 Sampled and proofread 2003-11 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

A MASTIF WHELP with other ruff-Island-lik Currs fetcht from amongst the Antipedes . Which bite and barke at the fantasticall humorists and abusers of the time .

In earnest i le but ieast

Imprinted amongst the Antipedes , and are to bee sould , where they are to be bought .

To my very loving Frends , GF . RN. WS. RG . IF . IG . Gentlemen of the Innee Temple . REnoewned flattcapps ( worthy sprighted men ) Accept ( but doo 't with thanks ) fruites of my penn Protect with tongues ( for tongues are lawyers helpes ) My toothles ( though much seeming-bitten ) whelpes Protect em wagges , and when their teeth growes longe They shall with teeth ' protect ech Lawyers tongue D●fend em waggs , and when I come from warr ( If you 'le stand for t ) * * I meane ●oe ●urse I le haue you cald too 'th barr . Euer yours Willyam Goddard .
TO THE READER . EXpect noe fine phrase from a Souldyers penn For ( Reader ) wee the bluntest are of men Our Elloquence wee vtter with our swordes Makinge our deedes to pollishe o're our wordes But yf thou likst a harshe vnpollisht vaine Why then reade or'e this infant of my braine It knowes not howe to fawne , it wantes his wittes To clawe the backe , like true-bredd parrasitts Its ' like ( as t is ) the Mastif whelpe which bites Those whom it plaies with , more then it delightes It is noe lewe to please a ladyes sight It barkes too loude , t' would wake hir in the night If thou affectst a right-bredd dogg forth ' Beare Then keepe this whelpe : this dogg such beastes will teare Or wouldst haue Raynard hunted to his denn ? Hee le hunt him too 't and fetch him out agenn Hee le seazs vppon the wolfe , ( soe bitten's hee ) Noe beaste this dogg will dread that he cann see Hee le hunt the hogg , and shalt not neede be feard , For hee le descrie eatche knaue with in thy yard If thou canst like a Curr which is soe ruff Then take thou this● he 'es full as feirce as tuff . W. G.
The Mastiffe Whelpe . Satire 1. GOe Mastiff Whelpe disdenn thy selfe a while With sullen sport make thou thy maysters smyle : Be wanton : yet amidst thy best delight Not onelie barke , but make as yf thou dst bite Grynn , snarle , and on thy best freind look soe grym As yf thou dst at one snapp devouer him . Satire 2. THou penn of myne doe not with myld-calme rymes ▪ Sooth-vp th' abuses of these barbrous tymes But like a Lyon come thou ruf and feirce And with black boy strous stormes these men-beastes peirce Let thy ruff galles be such as make them searche , Aud scudd to find a safe place where to pearche Blaste-black theire hues who 'gainst gods sacred dyetie Has belcht the pitch-black-blazes of Impyetie Dread not the greatst : th art licenst penn to doo 't But yf he open lies , I chardge the shoot , Spare not to saie there 's noe such villanie As is Deathe-staringe-cruell tyrannye Scorne thou the troubled ensignes of pale feare Doo 't souldyer-like with bold and liuelie cheere Whith bussinge whispers flye-blowe not the eare But what thou dost , with boldnes let , tappeare Goe boldlie penn , goe bluntlie guie th' asault And lashe eache man accordinge to his fault . Satire 3. GAllants you wil be Dyinge this Christemas I le Praie that eyther of you well maie passe I praie nowe perdon me , for this doubt I That some of you at this time Ill will die And then my noble waggs ( excuse me hoe ) There is a thinge calls on you , West-ward hoe ? Dye well ( madd waggs ) and here I will presadge To gold ( yf feynds barr not ) you l haue passadge . Satire 4. SOlus the student takes on him such state That sure the gallants Lordefyd ' of late My Goldsmith is quoth he the best i' th towne And none could Shr●dd my Taylor ere putt downe Push , push quoth hee , looke on my rapy'rs guylt None like my Cutler fashons out a hilt Yf others talk of Barbers , he'ele crie tutt Awaie t' is myne that has the exlentst cutt What doe I prate ? he maie vse this word my For sure the wayte on him which watchfull eye But shall I tell you howe ? and cease to iest Oh! t' is with Seriannts Solus to arest . Satire 5. NOwe fpitefull Fortune doe the worste you can Yet Iack will rise to be a gentleman Did not Iacks Lord leane on his shoulders late Chock him on the chynn , stroake him on the pate Lendinge Iack smyles when Iack speakes but a word Ah here be hopefull greaces from a Lord Who er'es a wynner , yet if Iack haue th●se I cannot see howe Iack cann rise and leese Satire 6. SVrveyinge Summus scornes to tell a lie Yet hee cann number all the starrs i th skie Hee 'le tell howe manie gras-blades growes i th landes Hee le justlie number all the ocean sandes Howe manie howres t' is since the world begann He reckon cann : and counte the moates i th sunn These by his Arte cann he doe exlent well Yet in 's owne purse he nere could twelue pence tell . Satire 7. A Stromus , euerye night on 's back dus lie Surveying of eache thinge i th starrye skie He gazeth on the Beare , and Charles his waine On all Celestiall signes that fore tells raigne He'el tell you when th' clipse shal be i th Sunn This yeare he'ele tell what next yeare shal be done Yet for his life he cannot tell before The certen times , when 's wife means plaie the — Satire 8. WIll Lestas loue his booke ? I fayth Sir noe , Hee le be more constanter I hope then soe Has not he vowd ' his thoughts too 'th good ale pot● ? He knowes inconstancie in loue 's a blott What 's in a booke to yeild delight to man ? Iust naught to that which is i th ale-howse cann The Cann has that which whetts the dulled witt But books holdes naught but that which dulleth it Lestas , be wise , and lie close to thy loue Though freindes doe babble , doe not thou remoue . Satire 9. THou Fernydus , awaie thou wicked man I scorne to write on thee although I cann Scudd silver-scraper : ritch wretch , hence , awaie Thou owst thy gutts a debt , that debt goe paie , Goe cloath thy back , it s more then halfe vnstript Its nowe , just as i● were , when thou wert whipt Goe broane-bread-eater , think that this my penn Much scornes to write on water drynkinge men . Satire 10. ASke who they be ? demaund not that of me Nor I , nor none ( I thinke ) knowes who they be To daie thei le Divells be , but next daie then They 'le neyther Divells be nor Earthlie men An other daie they le Kinges vnto you seeme The next daie ( happ'lye ) you 'l them beggers deeme No● shape , nor forme , they euer longe contayne Lest be the fooles , but that they still mayntayne If they nor apes , nor fooles , nor Players bee Then who they are I cannot aunswere yee . Satire 11. COtts pluttronells hir was appused bee Hir was a shent leman all worl was see Was not hir father effer wheare coot freez ? And effer trink coot trynk ? was tost coot sheeze Was not hee make hir create pigg foe to yeyld Kild a create deale a shyaunts in te feyld Hir was a shentleman , all worl was see Pye Cott , and pluttronells was wronged be . Satire 12. PRatus ; thou art a Busie-bodie growne ●oo talkatiue 'Pon matters not thy owne What though the Spanyard , Pope , and Divell plotts ? Let em Pratus : they doe not deale with Sotts The States are wise , they cann see fire in smother It is not sects cann part the tone from tother They 'l hold in peace : t' is not their publick foe Shall take t'h advantadge of a partinge blowe And therefore man , of thy owne busnes prate They 'le hold theire freind which helpes them hold theire state . Goe busie-body'd foolish-pratinge mome Busie thy bodie , on thy wife at home : Gett her with child : it 's high time shee had one Ioynd thirtye yeares ? it is a shame t hast none Let states alone : thou needst ' not them to teache They are to wise to make theyre foes a breache Satire . 14 COmfort thy selfe old Mops , & doe not weepe What need'st thou woman such a whyning keepe ? Thy sonn 's as well as anie man i th' lande , Why all he did , was bidd a man but stande , And told him coyne he lackt ; there 's those doe worse , Then bidd an honest man deliver's purse . He spake him faire , and tooke but what hee had , Then what need'st ' weepe old girle ? what art thou madd ? Come : cheere vp Lasse , for 't is a gen'rall thing , That youth ( doe what thou canst ) will haue their swinge . Satire . 15. Quoth hom-bred Hodge wudd god aboue c'had put Will t'zchoole C'hadd la're than a groate , c'had larnt him but his Zaltar C'hadd than done well enough , c'hadd nee'r been beg'd a Voole By maz-la , c'hadd made vmall vurst joockt a halter , C'has eyes , c'has eares , chas lipps , & yet c'his begd a voole Vath c'ham in vault my zelfe , c'hud ne're put boye t'zchoole . Maz wiue Zibb-la , watt ze'st ? c'hill to the Court my zelfe , C'hill trye t' an begg the boye ; it 's but a zaying nay , C'hill spend vort-shillinges & more a pelfe But c'hill ha my zonn William vrom vm all away . But ear'ste tou me Zibb ? ecche veare me this will come to passe , Now th●y ha' gott my Voole , thay'le come & begg my Asse . Satire . 16. CAptayue Turne-hir-vpp hath not Idle beene , Hott was the seruice he of late hath seene , Lowe-countreye service affords great daunger Soe he reportes ; but greatest to a straunger , Yet this he saies , if one may but beleeue him The pay's soe good , smale woundes would neuer greeue him . To his great detryment he loste a joynte , But Iudge where t was : oh ! hard at 's Codpeece poynte ( To his praise I speake it ) yet heed ' not out , But there tooke a bigger [ aie ] as he fought : For which ( braue man ) hee 's fayne to keepe his bedd And 's banckropt turn'd of all the haire on 's head , Oh! how he banns the wounding whir igig , For causing him to weare this perrywigg , Nay neuer begger hath ever curst the stocks , As Captayne Turne-hir-vp hath done the — Satire 17. I Graunt it ( Cosmus ) that fond loue is blinde , And incident ( almost ) to all mankinde , Yet Cosmus though mens seeing sence dus fayle them , Their smelling sence ( mee thinkes ) should much avayle them . Oh! crye you mercie sir , your Loue 's a Rose , And therefore cannot chuse but please your nose : Praye God shee dus ; but faith I doubt it much , I feare me Coss , shee has a poulcats tutch , Naye that 's not all : I feare shee has such trickes As still hir stalke will allwaies haue some prickes . Cutt off those prickes ; then Cosmus pre'thee tell . Whether thy Rose yeildes not a better smell , Satire . 18 RAlus why did'st thou hoyst and beare thy sayles soe high ? That none expected but thou 'dst sayle into the skye ? Did'st think that Eolus would ever prooue soe kinde ? As never jogg thy barke with one ruff blast of winde : I know thou did'st ; but now poore Ralus thou maiest see How safe's the shrubb , ouer the lofty-towring tree , Com lett this passe : now Ralus thinke but what thou art , And quite forgett ( as wisdome biddesthee ) what thou wert , It is noe matter man what ever thou hast beene , Thinke this ! the Owle's not wondred at vntill hee 's seene . Satire 27. GAllenus thou of late art growne of wondrous fame , But Gallen ; prythee tell me how thou cam'st byth'same . Reporte dus p●are , tha 'st twenty patients in one daie , And sometimes manie more ; soe prating fame dus say , Yet aske him who they are that comes soe faste to thee , His answer is , that femall creatures all they bee . Faith Doctor it is well , thy study is to please The Femall sex , and how their corp'rall griefes to ease But hark : you had a patient named D●ll I 'me sure , Vppon whose body you did doe a famous cure . Indeed ( good Gallen ) shee a right true patient were You know shee putt vp much , and very much did beare . I praie , may but a man without authority Demaund what is become of this same Dorithie ? Oh! shee 's gone to purge , for late shee tooke a glister : Faithe Doctor you did Ill , you might haue done but kist-her . A pestlence on 't , that you would giue soe deepe a touch And hauing skill , would ouer-shoot the marke so much . Satire 20. THou sai●st Dematas Poets heades are vaine , And to smale purpose they doe take great paine : Noe Dematas ; vaine thy Father was , or madd To scrape much wealthe for an vnthrifty Ladd . Thou art not vaine to spende in brav'rie , All what thy old Dadd gott by poling knau'rie . This is not vaine : nor is it vaine to pyne Thy struncke-vp gutts , to trimme thy wif●●p fine No● Dematas ; nor t' is not vaine to wrack Tenaunts : loading ( with Lordshipps ) thy wiues back , These are not vaine ; but he which beates his braine To picture out men vaine : why , hee is vaine . Satire 21. NIck's deepely learnd , hee 's skild ' in palmestrie , Hee 'le make yong Girles beleeue he is a God , And with his chaunting arte of Minstrelsie , Hee 'le make the litle waggtayles finely nodd , Oh! hee 's most rare to fore-tell destenies , Or by his phisnomie to know a knaue , His sable carradge fitts sadd obsequies , His skilfull tricks a conny-catching slaue . Yet all these artes did not soe much befrend him As once foretell that Tiborne Tree should end him . Satire 22. NOll has the skill to winn and woe a wife , Then why should Noll ( praie ) lead a single life ? He followe plowe ? faith sir he scorns it plaine Why Ladies faire will not Noll's suite disdaine . Let but his wench intreate him to sitt downe , Hee will not straight waies doe it like a Clowne But off witch's hatt , make 's legg , & answere naie , With I 'me as well , forsooth , I thanke you saie Naie , Noll ●n's courting , none comes nie him , They all may learne ; push , they must goe by him : Haue they the hart to sitt by Mistrisse Fraunces ? He has ; naie more : hee 'le pinck with pretty glaunces , The 'ile blurt forth this ; thei 'le sweare they doe affect hir , And from greate perrills the 'ile still protect hir , Faugh , faugh : ti 's stale ; ti 's nothing like to his , Noll's bold-spirit wil serue to giue akisse , And some times Noll will make his long discourse Of any thing ; I , of an olde brood-goose , Or of his mothers henn with ' copple crowne , Oh! quoth Noll . non laies such egges in all the Towne . And then hee vp & tells how shee 's a th' kinde Such a henn quoth Noll , ( oh ) ! 't is rare to finde . And when to walke dispos'd is mestresse Frauncis , Before hir like a fore-horse Nolkin praunces . Cann Courtyers saie this is a goodly weather ? Awaie plaine witts , they cann but tosse a feather . Cann Courtyers sighing by their Looues , thus saie ? This Raine ( alack ) is to to badd for hay , Or thrice in one houre aske them what 's a clock ? Fie , their witts to his are dull ; I , meere a block . Yet theise from witty Noll extem'pre comes , Come come , to Noll all Courtyers are meere momes . Satire 23. HOw ? Iames a man ? his Rapire is not guilt , Hee fight ? I , when his dublett's wrought with quilt , Hang him slaue , hee cannot call a whore a whore , Nor with a grace breake vp a sinners doore , Hee 'l saie Mall , I praie Mall let me kisseyee , Or Mistresse Marye thinke how well I wishe yee , Else hold hir by the hande & sigh apace , Or like th' astronomer hee le stand & gaze , Gaping for changes in his Maryes face . Come hang him doult , by th' Lord hee 's but a gull , For witt I neuer knewe an Asse more dull . Satire 24. THe Rule 's not false that 's held in learn'd Philosophie , How all th' fowre ellements together dus abide : Experienc't Colcus dus the same now Iustifie , Alas alas , too late the'xperience he hath tried , For as he sayl'd along the Midd'terranian gulfe , Which lies right over Besses equenoxtiall line ( Aye ) there he met with such a hott & firie wulfe That has consumed quite poore Colcus friggott fine , Before that Colcus this experience had well tried , To heare this argument could Colcus ne're abide . Satire 25. WHerein dus Ouids Eccho that sweete am'rous Nimph ; Excell the Ladie Delphis our most heau'nly Imph ? As Ouids nimph would still Narcissus last words vse , Like soe dus Delphis hir sweet Pomus woords peruse : Let Pomus saie sweet Dilphis can'st thou loue quoth hee ? Then ( Eccho-like ) shee takes the last word [ loue ] quoth shee , Thy tempting-cherry-lipps sweet Delphis I will kisse Quoth Delphis [ kisse ] : soe sild ' the last word would shee mis , My seggs between thy snowy thighs will I entwind ▪ Quoth shee [ ●ntwind ] thus loue with ' last words dus shee binde . I 'le doe as litle Cupid bidds his Champions doe , Quoth Delphis [ doe , ] still vnto Pomus answering soe Vntill by Pomus shee had paied hir maydens debt , His last word & hir first still often-times thus mett . Satire 26. FEene Mistris Pucis with hir sharpe-redd-coul'red nose One hair-bredth of hir heigth the fixon will not loose , Shee trotts so short , shee 'le reach a horse his perfect'st pace , I , and a wrie-mouth'd Ape to make an Antike face , Hir flippaunt tongue would make a most sence-pleasing sound , Did not hir wyndy-●●ppertaile the musick dround . Satire 27. WHat 's a gull , that Iack of gull'●ye is accus'd ? My hart 's enflam'd to heare how Iack's abus'd , Is hee a gull that ne're wil bee at stand To-paye these Tailors all their whole demaund ? Is hee a gull which bouzeth night by night With 's betters ? scorning they should paye a mite Or is hee one that letts a Shorditch wench The goul den entrailes of his purse to drench ? These bee noe gulls I 'me sure : but if they bee ? Then Iack's a gull : For such a one is hee . Satire 28. PAule liues by 's witts , hee 'le sweare there 's noe such meat , Yet sometimes bread ( with hart ) poore Pawle would eate . Pawles witty dyet has made his bodie fine , And that 's the cause in Powles , Pawle oft doth dyne . Where Pawle in lieue of 's dinners great expence , Oft diues a hose & pickes out Peters-pence . Satire . 29. HAng Tom : what hee ? hee 's but a foole to mee For tricks , you all may learne come , I 'le teach thee . Tom dares not looke an Emp'rour in the face : Hang puling Apes ; he wants a manly grace . Why Tom will blush , if once hee tell a lie : Hee has no skill i th' world● to cogg a die . Tom's witt 's most blockish ; faugh , 't is too too course , I 'le wadg my life the gull ne're yet stole horse , Noe nor soe much ( I thinke ) as e're tooke purse , He thy Tutor ? thou canst not chuse a worse . Hee 'le teach the this to groape a wenches plackett , Hang him Cowe , hee dares not diue a pockett , Or milke-sop-like to lead a wench the haie , Base-harted-babe he dares not make afraie . Forsake him Nedd : thou shalt my scholler ●ee , I 'le learne thee Arte my Rogue ; be rul'd by mee . Satire 30. CLow●●● of late a Compleate Knight ●as made , Dares anie saie , his Sire got's wealth by th' spade ? Hee 'le kill em then ; for knowe you hee 's a knight , And all made soe ; are desp'rate men to fight . What e're his Father was , i 'me sure of it , He left his sonn ( by farre ) more wealth then witt . And wealth ( I hope ) a gentle-man du● make . And hee that 's soe ; a knight hoods rite may take , Satire 31. LArsus to th' Sunn his Mistresse doth compare , In deede in bewty shee is somewhat rare , And saies from hir hee has his light & life , He may be proud that has soe light a wife . Yet La●sus pre thee be not wrath with mee , For rather like the Moone ( me thinkes ) is shee . She'xchangeth oft ( I speake it in noe scorne ) As thou hast light from hir , soe th' ast the horne . Satire 32. STeltus ? Fallatus makes good vse of thee : Thou art his looking-glasse : be rul'd me , Thy looking-glasse ( Stelltus ) make thou of him , Then both of you will drest be neate and trimm . Looking on thee : ( and further 't will his marriadge ) He prunes out pride , & foole-bredd stately carriadge . And shaues f●om's lipps ( a thing betokening witt ) The sta●ring haires of a bould parrasitt , Now looke in him , & thou shalt see it plaine , That dronkennesse is one a th' foulest staine . And see in him how haggedly & leane , A man is made which vseth much a queane . Looke in him man ; for this beleeu 't that he Has bettr'd bene by looking into thee . Satire 33. WAtt me thinkes of all men thou should'st ' stench desire , Since fooles ( as wise-men saies ) can quickliest quench loues fire Why could●st not begg or steale from Green on dramm of witt ? And soe by blurd-endashed lynes haue sent hir it . Thou might'st er'e this have revel'd in luxurious game , If soe th a'dst done & quencht thereby loues burningst flame . But harke thee Wart ? He speakes to th' winde , that learnes a foole : I●le bee noe Tutor , where such dunces comes to th' schoole . Satire 34. YEt Watt I ought not leaue thee thus since I doe know From whence the streaming flouds of these thy passions flowe , Me thinkes I ought t' applie some pill to thy disease , Therefore here be simples , compound them if you please ; First gett a pound of Witt , of Couradge , twice as much , These are excelent simples , I knowe not any such , Then take of Place and Tune , of each two handfull more , Seeke out for Oportunytie , in gardens there be store , Of that one handfull take ; which done , these simples pound , And thou shalt see , thy burning heate they will confound . But harke thee Watt , If these receipts doe add noe hope , Then ( doe as olde Diogines bidds ) that's take a roape . Satire 34. LAcritus , thy hart 's straite fraught with Iealousie , If on thy wife , a man but glaunce his eie . Thou Fermidus , if one but kisse thy dame , Ath ' back of hir , thy wand is straight forth same . Fie , fie , howe bitter would be eithers life , If you should take , as Wittus tooke his wife , You 'd hardly laugh and smile vppon the man , And aske ; has not he over-heat thee Nan ? Consider : Wiues can doe noe better deede . Then helpe their husbandes frendes at pussh of neede . Satire 35. LAminus , often times t' hast asked mee , Why Lambas hanged was ? praie answer'd bee , His neck was short ; and had thy head a reatch , Thou 'dst soone conceiue he hang'd but 's necke to streach . Why foole was thyne ( as hissen was ) too shorte ? Noe trick to lengthen it , but hanging for 't . Satire 36. QVestion Don Lingus but of forraine states , And you shall see how formally hee prates : Straite heel 'e vp , & tell , how he hath seene , That stout & famouse Amazonian Queene . Vowing it is the onely worthi'st sight , To see the order of th' Amazons fight , Then forewardes still hee 'le talke of Prester Iohn , Commending him for a most worthy man , Protesting that , soe soone hee came on Land , Hee had that gallant warriour by the hand . Pussh , pussh ( quoth hee , ) this barren Europa Is nothing like to Aethiopia , And then he shakes his head , ( sighing most deepe ) Oh! ( quoth hee ) why did not I my selfe there keepe ? Which done ; his Audience straight'ginnes to applaud him . And though an Asse , yet like a God they laude him . Yet question him but out a th' English stile , You 'le finde the Goose ne're crost has Natiue I le , Satire 37. PRince Pluto king a th' stincking stigian Lake , Finding himself not well , his will would make , In which , this wealthy & all-worthy man , In that his Will , to this effect begann . Quoth he ; Imprimis here I doe decree , That Pride my first-borne sonne a Courtier bee . Enjoyning Enuie and Ambition still ( As yonger brothers should t' attende his will . But as for Sloath and Avarice ( quoth hee ) Those will I haue in learning brought-vp bee . Where Gluttonie my yongest sonn of all , Shall waite one them , attentive at their call . But now my daughter Luste , then shakes his head , Oh! hir I 'de faine see place't ere I were dead . Hir , hir ( quoth hee ) , if I could but bestowe , Then I 'de not care how soone I went below . Courtiers are bad : Towns-men are often naught , And Contrey-men ( quoth he ) are most vntaught . Therefore on these shee 's plainly cast awaye : Oh! my deare Luste ( quoth he , ) what shall I saie ? Why faith ( quoth he , ) 'fore shalt be quite vndone , I 'le see thee made my selfe an honest Nunn Soe putting hir 'mongst holly Nunnes to dwell , His body dies , and 's soule departs to hell . Satire . 38. I Tell thee Tom , thou art too plaine a Ladd I ; too too grosse ; a hom-bredd Contrey Swadd . I tell thee man , thy witt , that witt of thyne Is muddie , thick , 't is nothing nimbly-fine . With whomsoeuer thou dost chaunce to walke , All 's one to thee ; of corne or land 's thy talke , Or of the Cows ; else of thy flock of sheepe , With such like stuffe , a tedious coyle thou 't keepe . Awaie plaine foole : think'st Souldiers doe delight In such discourse ? thou art deceiued quite , Or think'st it pleasing to a schollers taste ? If thou think'st soe ? a wrong conceipt thou hast , And if thou thinkst a Courtier it will please , Perswade thy selfe , to him 't is much disease . Dust ' heare me Tom ? I tell thee th' art too Plaine : Why man ? a nimble Witt fitts euerie vaine : Tooth'Souldier I 'de be vp with barracados , Raising counter-mures , breaking Pallazados . Tooth ' Scholler I 'de vse naught but Rethorick , I de vp with Sophistrie , or ellse with Logick . As for the Courtier ; pussh , I 'de mak's mouth watter I would on 's Mistresse talke ; with him I 'de flatter . Of Courtshipp wholly all my talke should savour , As tell him how he might attaine t'ir favour . Thus Thomas all their humors I would fitt , But what talke I to one which wanteth Witt. Satire 39. RElcus , thy hart 's an Inn , wherein men say Lies witt ; ( that most right-worthy guest alwaie ) But honestie were vs'd to lodge with Witt ; Canst ' tell me Relcus why he doth not it ? One Inn , one boord , one bedd , did once containe Those famouse , Radiant & bright-shining twaine , But now ; Oh now ! much I muse & wonder , What cause they haue to put them selues assunder . It 's rare to see them two , together walke , But farre more rare it is , to see them talke . Faith Relcus do a charitable deede , Releiue poore Honestie in time on 's neede , And Witt and hee together revnite , Bith'deede much maiest thou merrit by this light . Relodg them Relcus , bigg enough's thy harte , And in 't thou 't shewe a wise and charitable parte . Satire 40. BVlus to haue his Taff'tie Ierkin seene , Hath learnt a trick a th' Butchers Arte , I weene , For as the Butcher having open cutt , His bullocks paunch ; dus side from side straight putt . His reason why each side hee setts a parte , Is , cause men should see th' fatt about the harte● Ev'n just as these beast-slaying butchers doth , So right this gallant ( ali - Asse butcher ) doth . For on each side on 's cloake , each hand he laies , By which fine sleight he beares it back alwaies . So by that meanes ( maugre his mantles spight ) His sattin sleeues and Ierkin shall haue light . I th' butchers Arte , he has learn't more then halfe . And can ( you see ) dresse & sett forth a Calfe . Satire 41. A Right good-fellow by his purse is knowen , For sildom it will hould a doit on 's owne . This Pratus I doe know : and more ; I t●owe , I haue one rule an honest man to knowe , For when I heare men let their judgements loose , Of any whom they tearme for some plaine goose . True honestie ( I thinke ) in him there lies , For plaines Iudg'd is fool'rie by th' vnwise . But Pratus , now one rule more would I know , And that same trick I 'me wisht to get from you . That 's onely this ; Sir , how to know a knaue , That kindenes at your handes ; praie let me haue . Satire 42. WHen Souldus thinkes a th' Time , how him it failes , He then ( alas poore-man ) at Mars straight railes , Milke-sopp ( quoth he ) from Venus come advaunce And in hir steede , come lead vs men a daunce : Art'not asham'd to be soe weake i th' joynt ? As to be held by hir by th' Cod-peice-poynt . Come , come ; let Can●ons to our Meales saie grace , Lett bulletts sing to vs the Cinquepace . Wee long to daunce : and once the ●ime were when , Thou lou'dst the bullet-banquet with vs men . In such like juncquets once thou did'st delight , Those were the Cates best pleas'd thy appetite . Come , come , foresake thy w●nton Minyon trimm . But Vulcan bring , since thou hast head-peec't him . Satire 43. RAlf saies that Robin has no manlike face , Nor cannot swashe it with the swagg●ingst grace : Hee is an Asse , a verye Asse hee saith , A pidler in his oathes ; he 'le sweare y-faith , Or elles In-troth , In-de●d , Insooth , or soe , A right pure dunce , that cann saie I , or noe , I 'le teach him that in one halfe daie he shall Sweare ev'rie oath with grace Emperiall . What I ( quoth hee ? ) let anie doe me wrong , Thus I 'le shew vigor with my spright-full tongue I 'le vowe by Styxes pitch-black hidious streames , By all the radiant raies of yon'same beames , By Ioue who makes Earthes Canapie to quake , Or by the ruler of the stidgian lake , That I will kill him ; slashe him ; hewe the knaue . Or Peece-meale cutt him , to devoure the slaue . I will not saye . Indeed-la sir I 'le doo 't What I ? by Ioue I will putt home vntoo 't . Satire 44. ALL saies that Dulcus all in 's booke delights , But all those alles are all deceiued quite . For 's Eare ( but that indeed 's but parte of him ) To heare ( oh ! how it goes to th' harte of him ) His smooth tongue prate : reioyceth in such measure , As noe mans Eare ( by 's tongue ) e're reap't like pleasiure . Oh God! if you did heare the great delight His Eare dus heare , you would be ravisht quite . For 's Tongue too 's Eare convaies such wordes refin'd , As'tis not straunge hee 's ravisht in his minde . Satire 45. GOrgus a good minde beares , in this 't is seene , For looke what things ate naught , & baddest beene . Gorgus , to make them good doth striue amaine , And in this worke doth take noe litle paine , The wicked'st lie by baddest tongue er'e fordg'd , ( I ; were it by Hells-Maister's self disgordg'd ) Gorgus ; ( though ne'r soe badd ) will make it good , I , and maintaine it ; to a dropp of bloud . A good mind Gorgus , to make things good of Euell , Why 't is a worke contrarie to the Divell . Satire 46. BEntus , did you lie sucking at the Ale , You 'd not looke white , leane , waper-eide , & pale . You haue been sicke : your vrine ( if you please ) I 'le truly cast , & tell you your disease . You were not smaid ' at Fontus late downefall , Noe ; to your harte that was right cordiall . It Pleased you that Courtus in 's sute was crost , And that Marchantus his ritch shipp late loste . Those put you on soe blith a merrie pinn . That you from hartie laughing could not linn . It was not these , made you loke hagged white ; No blear-ey'd Benttus ; here 's the wicked spight . Lately was Virtus for his virtues grac'd , And on bright honours seat for 's Vertues plac'd . T' was this , thy freindes advaunc'ment bredd thy smart , This was the shaft , that prickt thy cank'red hart . Bentus , th' art sicke : thy palenes shewes thy Evill , The sor's much doubtfull , which is hurt by th' Devill . Satire 47. THy hart 's enflamed Ardus with this fire , Of clambring man : faine would'dst thou clamber higher Yet Ardus , Ardus , obserue but well the Tyme , And thou shalt finde , thou tak'st wrong waies to clime . 'T is not the deedes of Armes , thou do'st repeate , Can make thee mount one Inch to honours seate . Nor will the conquering Townes helpe thee one whitt , Recount thou these , these throws thee down from it . Can'st flatter man ? well learne thou but that lepp , Then thou shalt quickly gaine the foremost stepp . Then for the second round , learne Pandrisme , And thou shalt gett it straight I warrant thee . Now for the round , that toucherh honours neast , This round lies high ; more daung'rous then the rest : Ardus , thou must a Pollititian bee , Skillfull to plott , & pack deepe trecherie . Learne these , ( onely take heede of Envies Eye , Then shalt thou easly mount , & clamber high . Satire 48 ▪ WErt not for subjects , Kings vnkingly were , For they be they , which propps the kingly chaire . And were it soe , that subjects were awaie , The Poetts poetrie would straight decaie , As th' one by subje&s has his Temples crown'd , Soe tother by good subjects is renown'd . Since both their states by subjects be vp-held , That both are Kinges it cannot be repell'd . They both bee Kinges : But th' Poetts Realme I finde , Restes in the Climar of a firtle minde . A minde content , falls to their kingdomes share . Yet like my Argument most Poetts are That 's verie weake , and most exceeding bare . Satire 49. WHen Scoggin liu'd , I thinke in those same daies , Men did not well knowe how , nor whom to praise Because ( forsooth ) a fatt sowse taile he greas'd T' applaud his witt , those wittles Graunsires pleas'd , But harke ye ; say they were but living nowe , ( wich did soe praise the greasing of one sowe ) How would they praise ( naie they 'd doe more then praise ) The fatt-g●es'd-tailes , soe daub'd in these our daies . It is not onely Sowes that greased bee , But Hogges ( a thousand in one daie ) grease wee And grease wee still ▪ for greasing of that parte Adds fatt to fatt , and then it 's fitt to — Satire 50. WHy Tom quoth Tharsus th' art deceiued quite , I still continewe Courtier by this light Thou look'dst I should haue cal'd : Sir , doe yee heare ? Wil 't please you taste ( e're goe ) a cupp of beare ? Awaie , awaie : why harke thee noble Theefe , I 'me none of those which feedes on poudred beefe . Nor none of those that keepes a standing house : Awaie with Gulls : come ; thee & I 'le carrowse : Wee 'le swallow healthes ; not of your fulsome beare T'shallbe noe Earthly stuff ; but stuff to nectar near : Come Tom with Heauenly stuff thy mawe I 'le feede With that stuffes Quintessence which still dus breede . In man's lowe brest : high thoughts which still aspire , And vpwardes mount , as Heauens vp-mounting fire . A Pox on't Tom , I thus dull humours choake , And thus confound them with a Pipe of smoake . Haue at thee Tom , Tobaccoe's harte of Oake . Satire . 51. ONe of the Nation of that sprightfull Frenche . Tooke armes to joyne in battell with a wench : Well fell hee on ; and soe well dealt each blowe As at the firste he gaue an overthrow , But fewe there was , which did behoulde that sight , But Iudg'd the wench would haue the worst a th' fight : Yet shee in warrs Arte verie pollitick , Compells hir forces stand : by which same trick , ( Charging againe with all ; ( who at it would not scoff ? Againe shee ( with a Pox ) makes him fall off . His seccoud : ( a Nation which shall nameles be ) Fell well on too ; but cam not off Scott-free , Yet as the French , at firste encount'red well ; But to retrait ( Pox on 't ) at laste he fell . Alas the firste soe flesht hir , as that he , Shee 'd ne're eudure , to come off quite Scott-free . Satire . 51. THe pampred Horse at Mares ne're neigheth more , Theu Lustus at all times doth at a — And as the lustfull Stallion striues to be With ev'rie beast ( of 's kinde ) his Eye doth see . Soe likewise Lustus doth : but Lord t is strange , That man should out of reasons boundes soe raunge . The Horse is yong , and full of strength his vaines , A beaste : hee has noe reason to guide's raines . But hee 's a man ( hee should be soe at leaste ) ( And rul'd with reason , deff'rent from a beaste ) An aged man , a man gray-hair'd & olde . Whose withered-shrinkimg Vaines must needes be colde , Whose partched bodie 's from all moisture drie ; Yet sildom times he sees a Wench passe by , But hee with ( badd intent ) goe to hir must , To quench ( what should hee quench ? ) a diuelsh Lust. Oh beastelie man : the beastli'st beast wee finde , ( If quencht in Corpes ) ne're thirsteth in his minde . Satire 53. KAmatus being sicke through too much drincke , That hee should die the holie man did thinke . And being more then halfe resolu'd to die , This Epitaph he fram'd as hee did lie : KAmatus , once a Pearle in each girles Eie , Now mortiefi'd , here dus that worthie Lie . Of louing Parents first I tooke my name But now to Children I will leaue the same Of s●ymie Earth this flesh first tooke his frame , It now retornes to Earth , from whence it came As for my soule ( Oh ) she in great delight , In post to Heauen ( with Ioye ) shee makes hir flight : This framed once , then downe againe hee lies , And turnes about , makeing as though he dies , With 's Eyes close shutt , a while he faste dus winke When op'ning them cries whores ; fill me more drinke . Satire 54. YOu Cryttiekes , which inuectiuely do write , To you whose pennes soe bitterly doe bite , To yon I speake ; of you I aske but why You how rely doe great Lordings soe belie ? You prate how Lordes vn-mann'd are in this age , You saie't is well if they haue but a page . Come prating Parretts let your tatlings cease , And let but this susfice to make you peace . Doe not they Woemen keepe ? which eu'rie yeare More costly are then e're old blew-coates were : For euery man their Graundsires kept before . These keepe three woemen for 't , or rather more . Contrariewise ; 't was neuer seene i th' Land , ( As now they are ) the woemen halfe soe man'd . Recount but these , you lauish writers large , And you shall finde they are at treble charge , Satire 55. THere is noe Land vppon Earthes Center knowen , Like th' English soyle , soe wond'tous wealthy growne . That Ieuwell , which all Nations holdes soe deare , Wee treade in durt ; not caring for it here . Why what 's Plaine dealing ? some this Iem●n dus h●ld , A Ieuwell farr in prise surpassing gold . But wee ( it seemes ) o'rcloyd with it of late . Hold , and esteeme it at a straunge lowe rate . Soe lowe a rate : that 't is fetcht from 's soe fast , As , much I feare , all wil●e fetcht at at laste . Satire 56. VErbositus at wordes from Latine caru'd Dus snatch , as if his wittes were hunger-staru'd : And well hee dus ; for faith soe leane 't is growne , That from Annotomie 't is hardly knowne . It is soe weake , as ( truelie ) I protest , Fine phrase retoricall't will not disgest . Harke Would by-wise ? by good wordes all appli'd , The Asse to be a foole by 's owne tongue 's tri'd , Then if th' art wise , thy tongue hath thee beli'd , Satire 57. A Waie with him quoth gold-daub'd Thamaccus , His speechles silence shewes he is an Asse , A Dunce you see , that knowes not how to looke , Some braine-beater or porrer on a booke . Tell him a th' mounting Faulcons braue made flight , Or what mouth'd hound makes huntsmen best delight . Discourse to him of which Dogg made a faulte , How Thunder spent , or what made Tyndall hault , Awaie , awaie : awaie with senceles blockes , Farr better 't is to tell it vnto stockes . Thus sh'wes Sir Gold-cold-witted Asse his skill , And floutes the Poore-ritch-minded scholler still , Satire 58. BEfore I marrie'd was to my fayre wife , Oh Lord ! how solitarie was my life : But nowe to be pertaker of my sporte , Gallants to my house ( as to a Courte ) resorte : One cause he would acquinte himselfe with mee . Takes his occasion my fine Nagg to see , Another comes to heare my Kennells crie , The thirde perhapps to see my Fawlcon flye . Oh! who would not gett apreettie wenche too 's wife , That hates to leade a sollitarie life . Satire 59. PVsa is gott with childe , Sam ▪ doe not flatter ; But speake ; had'st not a finger in the matter : It was Ill hand'led Samwell ; for in truth , The wench saies none but Samwell is the youth , Pox on 't Sam ; Cradles forth ' childe to sleepe , With Candles , Soape , & Wasshing , will grow deepe . Besides all this ( but this is to thy grace ) In white-sheet thou must waite a Sermons space . Faith Sam , what luck had'st thou soe well to speede ? As to be graced for thy Maisters deede . Satire 60. WHen Dick for want of druncken mates growes sicke , Then with himself to worke goes faithfull Dick. The butt'rie dore t'ymselfe he shutteth close , That done , then goes the pott straight waies to 's nose : A health ( quoth noble Dick : each Hogshead than , Must seeming pledge this honest faithfull man . But straight from kindnes Dick to humors growes , And then too th' barrels he his valour showes , Throwing about the cupps , the potts , & glasses , And railes a th' Tunns ; calling them druncken Asses . From this to kindnes hee dus come ; and then , A freshe a drinking Richard fales agen , Ne're ceasing this same faithfull coyle to keepe , T●ll vnder th' Hogshead he falls fast a sleepe . Satire 61. AS Boastus all alone in 's Hall did walke , Thus to himfelfe , did Boastus brauely talke . Oh! that old Troye ( quoth he ) had bene vnsack't , I would ( I trowe ) haue made the Gretians pactr . And this right arme the Troians would haue founde , Should soone haue beat the Gretians from theire ground . And then his sworde about his heade he flasheth , Ah hah quoth he ; & then the postes he slasheth . Then straight he wisheth for great Charlemayne , Or for that neuer conqer'd Tamberlayne . Oh! Earth disgorge thy selfe of Allexander , I long to fight ( quoth he ) with that Commaunder . Good Grandam let them but appeare in sight , That they may once but taste of this armes might . And then againe too 's flashing worke he goes , Wishing that all those postes were dead●y foes . Would here were Roman Ceasar Romes great King , Ifaith ( quoth he ) I 'de make his Cox-combe sing , And then he foines & strikes , ( without all staie ) Stooles , Chaires , Formes , bordes , or what else is in 's waie . Still executing's wrath vppon those men , Till's angrie wife came in , and rescu'd them For in shee came , and in her hand a Ladle , With which shee swing'd him well about the nodle . And why ? alas he rockt not well the cradle . Satire 62. MEtamorphiz'd Mick : where 's thy Target man ? What chaung'd into a lisping Ladies fann ? Is dubb a dubb Bellonas warlike noates , Chaung'd to fa la la , streind through shrill Evnukes throates ? Art turn'd from grimm-face't Mars his valiaunce , To smiling Venus hir tempting daliaunce ? Me thinkes those leggs oft harnest with bright steele , To twind with Nimphes weake limmes no sweet should feele , Hast learn'd to skipp , smyle , kisse , & looke demure ? I th' steede of charge or raise a , For shame rechaunge , thou maiden-chaunged Mick Come vse thy pyke ; tha 'st vs'd too long thy — Satire 63. WHy how now drowsie Dick ? what halfe a sleepe ? Come madd-capp ; followe me & I will sleepe Thy muddye braines in sparkling Charnico , Come rise damb'd Rogue ; slydd skabb it shall be soe , Why how now Asse ? what ayel'st t'ou foole to whyne ? What crying ? s'harte this is ex'lent fine , Thou pul'st , & snul'st : a great peece matter why ? Forsooth by cause thou told'st thy Dadd a lie . Why horson foole , was 't not done in thy drinke ? Slidd ; thou 't prooue an Idyeot ( sure ) I thinke . Did'st euer see mee in this pulling passe ? Yet I haue call'd ( e're now ) my Father Asse . My wife yong Witch , my Mother worne-out Punck . Well : what a this ? they 'd saie but I was drunck . Come faithfull Dick , let 's drincke , thou must not crye , Thou 't ne're make Theefe , that pul'st soe at a lie . Satire 64. I Tell thee Iack , amidst thy cupps of wyne , Thou art not braue ; thy tongue 's not nimble fine . Sullen thou sitt'st , as seeming discontent . At thy assotiats Iouall merriment . Bee Iouall Ladd ; stirr-vp thy tongue to walke , A man in 's cupps is priueleg'd to talke . Why leaden-harted-man , why hadst thou birth But to consume thy time in sprightfull mirth ? Soe thy tongue flippant be , care not man Let it prate ; noe matter what 't is an . Let thy comparissons mount vp tooth ' skye : Saie , what are Kinges but men ? and soe am I Th' art not true br●dd , thou dreamest of thy ende , Come , Rouse-vp Ladd , what old-Dadds get wee 'l spend . Satire 65. I Graunt thee Allexander thou wast great , And that this crauin world thou once did'st beat : Naie more , I doe beleeue & thinke 't is true That part a th' warlike Gods thou did'st subdue . Yet what a this ? I meane not blaze thy name But with a brighter light to daske the same . The cause why thou great Ioues high Throne hast kist , I pry thee tell whereon it doth consiste ? Thou 't saie on Conquestes , which with bloud thou got'st , And that by these all others Fame thou blott'st . Come come , thy greatest great is meerely small , To blowne fac't Blundulus of stature tall . Hast thou a legg more bigg then anie Oake ? Or thigh whose bone will bide a Canon stroake ? Hast thou a paunch wherein may Armies h●dd , As in the Gretian Horse long since there did ? Come , to be short , vnlesse thou hast all this , Blundulus is great , and thou but small I wis . Satire 66. THings which of Death doe put great men in minde , Are alwaies not the welcom'st things wee finde : Since soe ; why doe wee muse they soe reject , All Serving men ? and of them not respect . Oh blame them not ; for ( faith la ) doe ye heare ? To see Death ; what is hee that would not feare ? And what is hee that Serving-men should see , To gape , as waite ? but Iudge would that was hee , For Iuste as Death waites onely to deuoure , E'ne soe doe they , and haue the selfe same power . To keepe em , then , I praye great men excuse . For so to thinke one Death they could not chuse . Satire 67. GIue waie Orlando Furious man I saie , ( For furiousnes ) to Spendus giue thou waie . T is true ( Inraged-man ) that at one stroake , ( E're now ) thou hast made fall the sturdi'st Oake , But what is one Oakes fall ? Spendus at one blowe , Whole woodds a th' biggest Oakes dus ouerthrowe . Orlando : th' art compos'd of Earth and Aeire , And of the Cristall running-water faire . But Spendus ( worthy Spendus ) I presume , Is all of fire , for hee dus all consume . Satire 68. I Will raile at thee Nature ; for I finde My bodie 's smal , and answers not my minde . How happs tha 'st made me of a Dwarfish stature ? Fie , fie , I tell thee tha' rt too blame Dame Nature . Why Woman-God , too much th' ast wronged mee , For by my minde , a Gyant I should bee . T is great ; I wondrous great , then how comes it That too 't my body thou soe i 'll did'st fitt ? Goe corrupt Dame ; I tell thee I doe finde I should haue bene a Souldier by my minde : I 'em proud , stout , & though I 'em nothing couetous , Yet ( Souldier-like ) I am ambitious . What 's in a Souldiers minde 's in mine : then why To my great minde soe smale a man am I ? Satire 69. GO Ridus teach Tellatus some true skill . To make his Beaste ( while he gets vp ) stand still , Hee dares not mount ; Ridus how shall he doe ? And when hee 'd mount , then startes she to and fro . Faith helpe him Ridus ; hee must haue hir man'd Hee loues the Beaste that 's broken to his hand . About it man , thou hast the onely'st name , To make ( by riding ) wilde things truely tame . Satire 70. KNowe you not him with Peacock-spreading-plumes ? That great-bigg-mountaine-looker which soe fumes . Hee whose Rock-rending-looke grimm Mars would make ( As frozen-synew'd ) with could feare to quake , And make the troubled Ensignes of pale feare , At sight of it , in his base cheekes appeare Moste straunge ! knowe you not him ? oh mudds foule slime ! Why hee 's the thunder threatner of our tyme , Whyt's razer-witted Clitus ; that same Ladd . Which Godds ( er●e now ) to speake-to has been gladd , It 's hee whose Hobby-mounting thoughts soe sor'd . That lesse then Ioue none thought he 'd be ador'd . Knowe you not him ? why faith 't is wondrous straunge , Yet 't is not , cause a th' Man-Gods nowe great chaunge . Satire 71. HOb-carting Tom and 's Father's gone to plowe . Leauing old Madge at home to feed the Sow , Ka Tom too 's Father ; Vather earste tou mee ? I● my boy Tom ; wat zest ? zay on ka hee Maz Vather-la wud God eech had a wife , Ma thinkes eech wudd ha wone rare than my life Oh boy ka hee tis naught , 't will spoyle thy groath , Twull mare thee Tom ; twull make thee vull a zloath , Nai● hold tere Vather ; wudd tou wud'st not lie , But whare twull or no la ( ka Tom I●le trie , Ee●h wott well Vath●r eech forgoe my zleepe , While you lie snoring , eech oft crie & weepe . While you lie gruntling like a drousie hogg , Eech madditate , watt eech should send my Iugg . Zest Vather wat tou wult : doe all tho 't doe , Yet eech shall trie my best a wife to woe . Wilt Tom ka hee ? but I 'de not ha thee yet Vurst ha thy Lond in harte , & then th' art fitt . Lond in harte ? that 's vyne ka Tom ; Lond in varte , I 'le ha a wiue else Dule himselfe zelue goo't carte Well Tom ka's Vather ; make noe more a doe , And eech my zelfe will helpe thee one to woe . Gramercie Vather ; zest wel like a mon , Doe as thou zest ; and eech wull loue thee thou . Satire 72. WHo would not follow Warrs that has his witt ? Which allwaies has such musicke followes it , The priuat'st Souldiour lying in his neast , By warbling lullabies is brought too 's rest . Not by your wanton-wench-like Evnukes voyce , But by a heau'nlike thundring Cannons noyse . Vnto whose song the trumpett soe dus plaie , As tweene them both they rauishsence a waie , Soe sweet 's the musike , which doe followe warrs , That Cyties daunce , and capers to the starrs . Satire 73. PRoudus th' art not ( soe far as I can see ) In outward shewe , what inward thou maist bee . Although th' art all in raggs , yet I doe finde , Vnder those raggs a whole Emperiall minde . Fewe big-fast Lordes : push , of Lordes what doe I prate ? Fewe Kinges cann looke soe bigg as thou of late . In faith ( but I 'me to bould ) hadst thou but pelfe . Speake great-smale-man , what would'st thinke on thy selfe ? A man ? a Earthly man ? noe : thoughts would breede Thou wert engendr●d of some heaunlie seed . I faith , ( but tell mee ) sometimes dust not gesse That Iupiter vnto thy Mother had accesse ? I know great-thoughted-man by thy lookes straine That such high thoughts , thy braue harte dus maintaine● Well still looke great , and one daie thou shalt see , A greate purse to thy lookes , will answer thee , Satire 74. DArtus , if thou 'dst a Courtier learne to be , Then take a glasse ; that booke shall straight teach thee . Looke in thy glasse , and frowne , or skowle , or smile And shalt see one doo soe an other while , Laugh thou , there 's one will laugh : shedd thou a teare A teare ther 's one will shedd ; I dust thou heare ? Thy bodie bow , gape , winke , or nodd thy pate , Doe what thou wilt , ther 's one will imitate . To great men ( if thou wilt a Courtier bee ) Thou must doe , as thy shadowe dus to thee , Satire 75. WHyle my apparr●ll was not fine , but plaine , At Assus but this stile , could I obtaine . God morrowe Sir ; How doe ye sir to daye ? But when in my apparrell I grew gaie , Why then God morrowe to your Worshipp sir , Then 's tongue without a worshipp ne're would stir . But looke when my apparrell was not gaie I certaien was noe worshipp t' haue that daye Taylors : sure honourable men you bee , For you men worshippfull can make I see . Satire 76. CVntrey Tailors themselues tooth ' Court betake , As th' old saying is , but for meere fasshon sake , They goe to th' Courte as manie Courtiers goe , Vnto the Church ; that is to see , or soe More matter on 't what neede I make ? Since vp they goe , onely for fashon sake . They make the Courte ( for fashon s●ke ) their School● , Whereby to fasshon out each Contrey foole . Satire 77. WIl t bee a Serving-man ? thou art not fitt , Thy stubborne pate affordes noe reatching witt : If thou would'st soe ; thou must loose learning than , That ornament getts smale forth ' Seruing-man . But wilt a states-man serue ? where 's thy braines stretch ? Fie , t will not plott , t is naught ; t will not retch . Wilt follow his yong sonn ? foole , awaie : Fie , Examin how thou art in quallitie . Canste hawke , hunte ; or haste the hors-mans skill ? Canst drabb , dice , drincke , or 's wenching luste fulfill ? If not ? awaie ; awaie : will bee thy cheere , With this adition , What makes this Asse heere ? W●lt wait on 's daughter ? ah hah , there 's a Lasse : How 's thy humor ? If sadd ? then th' art an asse . Canst neither daunce , nor sing ? foole then awaie Why quallities is all in all , I saie , If canst not musicke plaie , or dandle Pearle Or goe ( if sent ) in priuate to an Earle , If canst not these doe ? ( credit me or trie ) Thou 't be reputed of noe quallitie . Aw●ie thou 't turned be , ( wantst but those partes ) And held a foole , maugre thy librall artes . Satire 76. DE●cend thou monstrous damn'd-deluding Gold , Into thy fathers black infernall hold , Pueilas cold-chast thoughtes had been vnthaud , Hadst thou not been , thou most entising baude Old Fath●rs liues in sonns eyes were noe moates , Wert not for thee , thou temp'st 'em cut their throates . Thou true-bred Feynd right make-bare in these yeres , T is thou setst Kinges togeather by theire eares . Varlat avaunt , keepe out my sight th' adst beste . Else I 'le en-dungeon thee in strong-bar'd Cheste . Satire 80. COme Lord that would-be , I 'le condole with thee , Cause what thou wouldst be made , will neuer be . What though thou neuer wast ' foreseiged Towne With thunder-threatniug Gnnns to gunn it downe● Or complete arm'd vppon a fitie steed ? Making on euerie side thy foes to bleede . Why though thou ne're didst soe , yet Lord that would-bee , Honour in my minde appertaines to thee . Deserues he honour which entrencheth Townes ? And he noe honour which entrencheth growndes ? Me thinkes hee which in fielde St. George dus crie , Deserues noe more , then If 's waie hee did flie . Come Lord that would●be , gett more Cowes & sheepe , And honour will come on you , though you sleepe . Satire 81. TAlke you with Poet-Asse sitting in 's seate , You 'le heare him ex'lent , Epigrames repeate , Demaund him whose they bee , they runn soe fine , He answers straight , fruits of this braine of myne , Yet let a well-read Poet heare the vaine , Hee'lle finde they came out of a Bastardes braine . Dust heare me Poet-asse ? I 'le prophysee , That when th' art mari'd , thou 't a Cockould bee : Thou fath'rest now things got by other men , What wilt thou doe when thou art mari'd then ? I pry thee good Iack-Dawe giue each b●rd's owne , That for a plaine Iack Dawe thou maist be know●● . Satire 82. BEare hence my Septer and my massie Crowne , I cannot beare them but they 'le beare me downe , Sadd cares and feares attendeth on them soe , As I their burthens cannot vndergoe . Bring me my Hooke , my Scripp , my Flock of sheepe , I long againe that quiet Realme to keepe . Satire 83. THe Printer saies , good bookes doe baddly sell , Then myne ( cause badd ( I 'em sure ) must needs take well . but howsoeuer good or badd they bee , To take-well ( Lawyers ) let em learne of yee . Praie teach em it ; that parte y' are perfectst in , Teach em take well : for God sake learne em synn . Satire 84. IF Vennym'd-mouth'd-fell-bitten Zoylus stirr . Then Whelpe be firce vppon that snarling Curr . Let him noe sooner grinn , but on him flie , And thou shalt see , his waie , awaie hee 'le hie With 's taile ' tweene's leggs awaie hee 'le scudd & gadd , Onely hee 'le barke & howle as he were madd . Satire 85. GOe churlish whelpe , awaie goe thou and sleepe , And till I call , againe , thy kennell keepe . Thou barkest loud ; too loude thou barkest Whelpe , I must haue whippetts now , that doe but yelpe . I hunt noe beastes ; I 'ue altred now my wont , My pleasiur's now the Vermin chace to hunt Be gone yong Curr , yet if fowle swyne doe rout , I 'le whissle then , and then againe come out . AN APPOLOGIE . AN Idle humor has possest my penn , To writ invectiue 'gainst ill humor'd men . It is not over one , it 's generall . That I haue sprinck'led this my bitter gaule . My gen'rall meaning 's gen'rally to those . Whose humors , these badd humors doe disclose . Therefore ( I me sure ) the wise , what ere they thinke . If they theire faultes doe see , they 'le see & winke . By others how they 're ta'en , or what they saye , I 'le take noe care , let them themselues bewraye . If anye saies but IUIS ATYRYZE Asking why men I doe pertick 'larize I answere those , I onely faine a name ; All knowes this kinde of vayne requires the same . I 'ue done noe wrong , I●ue offred none abuse , Let them that has soe , seeke & craue excuse . FINIS .
DOGGES FROM THE Antippedes . Satire 1. MY angrie Whelpe I 'ue turn'd to 's kennell now , Fearing faire Ladies , that he would feare you . But in his place ( I hope to your delight ) Here 's Dogges shall be more pleasing in your sight . Accept them Ladies , in them thre's no harme , Each take hir Dogge , & beare him in hir arme . Satire 2. LAdies , they saie things which be fetched farr , To manie of you , still most pleasing are . I knowing what your humours best require , Haue trauail'd farr , to fitt your sweet desire . Cause litle Doggs your fancie best doe please . I journei'd for them to Th' antyppedes . Accept them then , such Dogges they are I wis , As sweetly will your sweete lippes lick & kisse . Satire 3. WOemen I 'ue done my worst , to th' worst of men . But now I 'le occupie on you my penn . Praie giue me leaue to doo 't : Old Chaucers Iest With some of you ( I knewe ) agrees with ' best With whom that earnest iest dus best agree Let them ( for baudie phrase ) finde fault with mee . Satire 4. MAtchles Mistresse , thou pure vnspotted Dame , Hadst had one spott , I would haue showne the same . But since thou art , as neuer woman was , I 'le print thee there , where ne're was printed Lasse . Paper 's too fowle to beare soe faire a parte , Therefore I 'le print thy praises in my harte . Satire . 5. TO lee Morilla in hir Coatch to ride , With hir long locke of haire vppon one side , With hart & feather worne i th' swaggring'st guise , With butt'ned bodies skirted dub●●t-wise . Vnmask't , and sittith ' boote without a fann , Speake : could you Iudge hir lesse then bee some man ? If lesse ? then this I' me sure you 'd Iudge at leaste , Shee was part man , parte woman ; part a beaste . Satire 6. ERe long I thinke that Deela meanes to trie , If shee like birdes i th' aire can soare & flie . Fewe Fowles like to this fowle , more feathers weares For on hir head & handes , huge plumes shee beares , And cause shee wil the easlier take hir flight , Shee makes hir harte & heeles exceeding light , Hir heeles , with lightest corke this light-one stuffes , Hir harte , ( through quills of pride ) with winde shee puffes . Oh sure shee●le flie , ●nd thus shee 'le make hir flight , From Luste his lande , to Letchr'ies soyle out-right . Satire 7. I Praie you speake is not this tyme growne straunge , When feeble woemen vnto warriours chaunge ? T is not the Courte dame Lusta doth commend , Hir daies 'fore seiged Cytties shee will ende . Hir humor brookes noe Court-like dalliance , But loues th' incounter of true valliance . Milke-sopps are men which lulls in Ladies sapps , And dare not bide ( like hir ) loud Culu'ryn clapps . Per-due shee 'le lie , and somtyme Centry stand , And Kiu'la crie , with fire-lock in hir hand . This is a wench will make all Courtiers sham'd , If once hir actes be to their eares but nam'd . I , this is shee which has such seruice showne , As now shee is an Auncient-bearer growne . Satire 8. WHen Gillyan and hir Gossipps all are met , And in the match of gossipping downe sett , And plaine Mas Parson cutting bread forth ' Table , To tell how faste they talke , my tongue 's not able . One tells straunge newes , tother God-swerbert cries , The third shakes head , the fourth alock replies Shee on hir henns , this on hir duckes doe talke , On thousand things at once their tongues shall walke . So long as Cockes cann tread , & Henns will laie , Gill and Gills gossippes , will haue wordes to saie . Satire 9. LIke to a Castell is faire Kitchin Kate , And like the same , sh' was sackt & ●poyl'd of late , A Castle 's strongly trencht , & fenc't with stones , Kates corpes as strongly fenc't with good whale-bones . A Castle hath percullize at each gate , As good a fence as that has bonny Kate. Shee hath a buske , ther 's noe device more stronge , That once let downe , hir Portall takes noe wronge . Yet vengaunce take hir watch , had they not slept , Kates strongest hold vn-ransakt had been kept . Satire 10. FIca's faire : none sees fairer if he winkes , Shee 's sweet ; as anie muskatt when shee stinckes To see hir when shee readeth on hir boke , ( I meane hir glasse , ) on which shee oft doth looke , T would make you laugh , naie laugh vntill you weeepe , At th' action shee vnto hir shade dus keepe , Now shee 'le smile , now shee 'le gloyt : naie this shee 'le doe , See'le kisse the same , naie seeke t' imbrace it too . Yet watt yee what still makes them two to parte ? should I but t●ll't , you 'd laugh ●till breake your harte , T is this : when shee had smil'd & done hir beste , Then dus shee frowne , make mouthes , and doe the reste . Which when the shade i th' glasse dus doe the like , Then shee in radge , dus it a peeces strike . Faith speake , deserueth not that glasse a knock That harbours apes , to giue such apes a mock ? Satire 11. WHy hisband ( quoth Misse Marchaunt ) wher 's my Pynck ▪ Oh God! his haire 's not kymmed downe I thinke : Come pretty Pynck come , thy nowne Mistrisse kisse , Thy Meyster ( Pinck ) might thought on thee ere this , Feth hisband feth ; I 'me mitch growne in your debt That my sweet Puppie you would soe forgett . Y' are troubled sore : what he yee else te tend ? You leue to heare me chide , else this yee'd mend . Pre will yee fetch●e kemm & kemm him straight , Elas sweet Mopps , hee 's naught to make thee waite . What , he yee brought it ? Feth ye 'r such a one , That lesse ye 'r chidden nothing wil be done , Ebout him pre : Lard how leysurely yee doo 't , It seemes yee he but litle minde vntoo 't . Yet pre now ste : What eyles sweet Pynck to groane ? Oh! Pincke would pisse : Pre heue Pinck all elone . What hes he don 't ? Pre make him cleane agen , End Pinck and I , will vntoth ' garden then . So : Now hee 's well , but heare yee ? when I 'm gone , I pre bee yee a gadding streight from home . Satire 12. WHen Minta from hir Chamber downe descendeth , All things belowe shee straight-waies discommendeth , Queanes ( quoth shee : ) how happs my Kitchen 's thus disgrac't ? I were not wont to haue a spoone displac't , Then straight tooth ' Hall , where if a russhe she spies , Where haue these slutts been brought-vp Lard shee cries ? Then faugh shee cries : out on t : what 's this dus smell ? Must I bee serued thus ? why Maides 't is well . So leauing them , tripping vppon hir toes , Into hir shopp , t'ir prentizes shee goes , Where if shee sees a boye but looke a wrie , Why sauce-box , what stare you on shee 'le crie ? And then shee plies hir worke which is a band , Which to bee hemm'd , has hung tenn years in band . Satire 13 AS Iynn and Pegg did in their Couches lie , Thus did sweete Pegg yong Iynn instructifie , Why Iynn wutt ne're leaue poring on a booke ? Come take a glasse , that 's fitter on to looke , If thou didst know how good bookes dulls the braine , Thou 'dst ne're thus booke-it while thou liu'dst againe . Doe as thy sister Pegg dus , chaine in armes Hir sweet-hart bounde with loue-linckt-charmes , Reade in his face the pleasing lines of loue , And they thy soule , to sweet delights will mooue . Art rising Iynn ? I prethee sweete-harte staie , Heare mee speake one worde more , and then awaie . Thou must not blussh : Why this is maidens chart , Wee 're priuat girle , wee 'le talke wee care not what . I 'le saie noe harme , I 'le tell thee onely this , What pleaseth woemen best , and what it is . Oh t is man ! who doth possesse a treasure , Whose taste ( for sweetnesse ) hath noe measure A treasure wench : such treasures there are none , A Iuell 't is : oh had'st thou such a one , Thou would'st esteeme it at soe high a rate , As ne're noe Iuell was soe pris'd of late . Vnto it ( girle ) soure is the sweetest honie , It 's wine to th' harte , but Nector to the — These were the reasons Margett did aleadge , Which firste did sett faire Iynns white teeth an edge , Satire 14. IN trothla maides what thouhtes possesseth yee , Iuste such-like thoughtes sometimes possesseth mee , Myne sometimes wanton are : Maides you all knowe That wee that Maidens are , our thouhts are soe . To see a gallaunt gape ( Maides your mouthes wipe ) To entertaine a faire Tobacco-pipe . Beleeue me Maides , my maiden-thoughts it moues To thinke of what doth passe 'tween two that loues . It at a worde ( Oh that I might come at hir ) Dus make my Maiden-mouth o're-flowe with water . Satire 15 SOme thinkes that Vardingales that 's monstrous wide , At firste invented were onely for pride , But truely none that thinketh soe as this , But gesse ( beleeue me ) too too much a misse , For they ( I certainely it 's soe surmi'sd , ) For these three reasons were at firste deui'sd . Firste , for hott girles that subiect are to sweate , It letts vp aire whereby to coole theire heat . Then for the girle whose bumm standeth not right , ( Tough hopper-tail'd ) yet that will hide it quite . But cheifly dus the wench , who through an Itch , Has gott : alas I scratch a — T is shee I saie that wears it not for Pride For shee ( god wott ) cann neuer hate too wide ; She must haue trickes , ( I deale too plaine to scoffe ) To beare vp cloathes , else they 'd rubb plaisters off . Satire 16. WHen Seelas Taylor measure came to take , Of hir smale bodie , bodies new to make They disagreed ( yet time did giue them leasure ) How shee should stand , when hee should take hir measure ▪ Hee 'd haue hir vp-right stand , or else hee should Ne're fitt hir bodie with a perfect moulde , But shee not likeing it , made this replie , I 'le haue my bodie measur'd as I lie . And full of bones I 'de haue my bodies bee , The bones sticht in , and quilted well quoth shee . Now if thou think'st my bodies thou canst fitt , I prethee honest Tayle-hir measure it . The man mistakeing still hir meaning quite Lyes on hir more , to haue hir stande vp-right ▪ But shee ( hoping to beat it in his braine ) The second time replies to him againe . Tayler quoth shee , I 'me sure that I shall finde Bodies made like thine fitting'st to my minde , Noe other measure for my bodie take , But by thy bodie , my newe bodies make . Alas quoth hee those bodies ne're will fitt . Ah Asse quoth shee , that Noddies had but witt Then might my bodie , bodies haue right good , And easlye I m●ght haue been vnderstood . ‛ Waie hence ( quoth shee ) thou art some botching Noddy , That canst not measure right a womans bodie . Satire 17 ▪ IF Gossippes once be gott to sitt and prattle . It 's needles then to bidd their tongues to tattle . Woe to their husbandes , for alas poore men ▪ It's onely they shall smart and paie for 't then . One by hir troth-la sweares how shee dus finde , Hir husband growne alreadye much vnkinde , For let mee aske him but a toy to giue , Hee 'le snapp me vp , with Lett 's learne firste to liue , I badd him buie ( quoth shee ) shooes that would creake , Yet did hee not : oh ! this would make one speake . I chardg'd him buie mee hose quoth shee of redd , Hee bought em blewe : I , I , hee 'd haue mee dead : I Gossipps I , ther 's none soe matcht as I , Then straight waies put shee finger into eye . At which : Gossipps : saies one , you gri●e to soone , Another tells hir , yet t is honny-moone , A thirde stepps vp : for sooth quoth shee they saie That wee must hus●ands honour & obaie , But had wee strength , I halfe the strength of men , It should be seene quoth shee : Ifaith-lathan . And there shee stopps , setting hir teeth soe close , As if shee fear'd hir madd-tongue would breake loose . The fourth more wise : saies weake-ones must to th' wall , Wee 're borne to beare quoth shee : le●ts put vp all . And then the bowle , the gossipps bowle ginnes walke , But that once off : againe their tongues must talke . Satire 18. WHen as my creame is sowre , I straight-waies meet With suger which dus make my sowre creame sweete , And when my drinke is sowre , or that waies blame , I meet with twentie things to mende the same . But faith doe what I cann , yet for my life , I cannot mende the sowrenes of my wife . Yet honny'd termes vppon hir eu'rie howre I duelie powre : yet still my wife is sowre . May not I doubt hir sowrenes ne're will fleete , When such sweet thinges wantes powere to make hir sweeete . Satire 19. AT this time Liba th a'dst noe neede to weepe , Hadst had the witt but of a sillie sheepe , Couldst not thou marke whereon that harmeles beast dus howrely chuse to make hir daiely feast ? Shee 's sildome seeue the tale long grasse deuowre : And why ? because t is ranck & allwaies sowre . But on the short : with which when shee dus meete On that shee feedes ; and why ? because 't is sweete . Ah Liba hadst a th' sheepe but learned this , Thy tall man had not had thee then I wis . Faith wench , hadst but a lowe man halfe an houre , Thou 'dst tell mee all that 's tall , are rancke & soure , Satire 20. I Must distill my witts best quintessence , To Carractrise the wisdome of wise Prudence , Hir worthy actes are of such noble fame , As I 'le haue Hall to Cronicle the same . You long to heare hir deedes ? I knowe you doe : Will you be silent then ? well then goe toe . Shee 'fore hir Father , Mother , folkes and all , Settes vp hir legg ath'mantle-tree i th' wall , Quoth shee now Father I 'le doe wonders great , The old folkes hearing that ( with feare ) gann sweat , Shee seeing that , shee bidds them nothing doubt . For I ( quoth shee ) will onely pufft this fire out . And therewithall shee lett forth such a — That halfe the spacious world ( for feare ) gan start Oh here s a Girle to liue i th' Common-weale , Who cann defend it with hir very taile . Satire 21. NOthing 's hard vnto a minde that 's willing , It 's seene by Winda in hir nightly drilling , Harke Musketeers : if Mnsketeers you le make , And learne all posternes right , hir course but take , Shee eu'ry night as in hir bedd shee lies , Dus all hir posternes , 'fore shee e're let flies , Shee cockes , shee tries hir match , shee gardes hir pann , Which done , sh'ungardes it , and presentes it than , And with as good a grace as you 'd desire Shee blowes hir match , and brauely then giues fire . Then dus shee caste about , prune & blowe , Rechardge & to hir former posternes goe . Souldiers ; Drilling's not hard , If you 'd doe soe . Satire 22. FOr certen , yet in woemen ther 's some sweet , With which wee blinde-men yet could neuer meet , By reason naturall it must be soe . To proue the same let 's to the Bee-hiue goe , Why did dame Nature giue the Bee a sting ? Some reasons sh 'ad to giue hir such a thing . And place it in hir ta●le ( men marke the case ) The prettie Bees sweetst best & ritchest place , Hir reason why shee plac't it in hir taile , Was this ( if my opinion doe not faile ) Because that place hir treas'rie is : in which Lies all hir wealth : For Bees be sweetly ritch . Now as with stinges dame Nature made the Bee , Soe woemen hath shee made with st●nges wee see , For all their heades ( I hope I doe none wrong ) Containeth stings : If not a stinge , a tongue , But let vs term 't a stinge ; for it will prick , And hee that striues with it , gainst thornes dus kick : They hauing stinges , noe question if wee search , Shall honny finde where those sharpe stinges doe pearch . Yet as you doe , doe not , for men you 'le faile , If Bee-like for the sweete , you search the ( ) Satire 23. MIlda ? since you betooke your self to wiue , I hope y 'aue tane the skillfulst tricks to thriue . The time was Milda when your slender back , ( To couer it ) a gowne well-nie did lack . But now , nor gowne , nor nothing else you want , What can you aske ? but straight it has a graunt . Manie Maidens , manie things would choake , Had they ( as you haue ) Milda such a cloake . For doe you heare ? it may not be denaied But cloakes fitts wiues , when they 'le not doe a maide Yet Milda faith I speake it to your grace , You should haue chose your cloake with better face . Satire 24 A Ladie fairer farr then fortunate , ( In dauncing ) thus o'reshott hirselfe of late , The musick not in tune , pleas'd not hir minde , For which : shee with the fidlers fault did finde . Fidlers quoth shee , your fidles tune for shame . But as shee was a speaking of the same , ( To mend the consort ) let shee did a ( ) Whereat the fidling knaues thus did hir greete Maddam your pipe 's in tune , it plaies most sweete , strike vp quoth they , ( but then the knaues doe smile ) And as you pipe , wee 'le daunce an other while . At which , awaie the blusshing Ladie flinges , But as shee goes , hir former noates shee singes . Satire 25. WElthus , none of your daughters that I sawe , But halfe did tempt mee be your sonne in lawe : And iuste but halfe : For euer I did see , In eech of them , somwhat to alter mee . Kates Virtues my affection much did moue . But streight hir crookednesse did quench that loue . Black Sues great portion made mee wish hir well , But thinking on hir pride my loue straight fell . Besse for hir bewtie I could much affect , But Besse wantes witt , that made mee Besse reiect , With D●ll for hir housseffrie I could hould , But blame not smale men , much to feare a scould . Ellen for hir silence I could loue : but Although I hate a scould , I loath a slutt . Were Nan noe wanton , shee 'd my humor fitt , But Nan has wantonnes vnto hir witt , Yet Wealthus giue me Nan , for doe you heare ? With wantonnes ( as most men dus ) I 'le beare . Satire 26. SWeet Mistresse , I 'le not putt thee ( thou shalt finde ) In this my bookes disgracefulst place behinde , In that place will I toothles Liva putt , And flout at hir , cause shee 's soe rancke a slutt . And Minsa there I 'le putt , who eates at table , As if to eate at all , shee were not able . Hir , there I●le put , cause 'fore ●olkes shee 'le not eate , But in a corner eate vp worldes of meate . Likewise I 'le Lica put into that place , For Cuckolding hir man before his face . But Mistresse , you behinde I 'le neuer put , Worldes of wealth , shall ne're perswade mee too 't . Where ●ouers put their loues , there doe you looke To bee inrouled , and put in my booke : I th' midle , and before , ( cann I doe lesse ? ) There will I put you , my sweet Misteresse . Where I will write on you ; thinges of delight , Thinges fittli'st fitting true-loues appetite . Satire 27. ANd praie now why is there noe likelyhood That Agus should doe his yong wife noe good ? Heare my example , and I 'le proue it then . That none please yong Girles like these aged men . A yong-man hauing matter to endite , With manie wordes super●●uous hee doth write , Loading the paper with much Idle stuff , O ' rechardging it with much more then enough . Whereas an aged man dus neuer write , But vntoth ' purpose hee dus still endite . What e're ould men doe doe : ( I doe not flatter ) Toth ' purpose t is : they roundly goe to th' matter . And therefore Tatlus , why art such a one , To thinke that Agus sonne , is not his sonne ? I●st cause the boie is such a chopping ladd ? Or cause hee is not hair'd like his old dadd ? If this bee all ? then thou a fault art in , Why Tatlus , hee is like his mothers kinn , His mother couzens hath : fine proper men , The boie in fauour maie bee like to them . Or like his god-fathers the boie may bee , That falls out oft , although noe kinn you see . Fie Tatlus , Ifaith thou hast a slaund rouus tongue , To doe an old-mans yong-wife soe much wrong : Why old-mens breath getts boies , it is soe strong . Satire 28. LOrd , what meane you Gossipp ? praie forbeare , My husband noates your often comming here , Soe soone as euer hee is gott to th' Plowe , You are here : praie la-bee : what ayle you now ? I will not faith : good-lord y' are such a man , I hope you 'le rest : hee will bee here a nan : Y' are such an other : whoo 'd thinke you such a one ? Oh! I heare my husband : praie bee gone . La-bee I saie : fie , fie : I praie la-bee , Hee 's in the yard , hee 's crying hutt and gee . Harke , harke ; Ifaith I heare him : oh t is sore ! Naibour : sneake out , & I will watch at dore . Satire 29 WHy Iohn quoth Nan , I praie nowe Iohn forbeare : You 'le not a done , Ifaith I 'le hitt your eare , Whoo 'd bee a Chamber-maide ? why Iohn ? fie , fie : A done I saie ; Ifaith Iohn Iwill crie , Pussh , pussh : praie leaue , another time you shall , Why harke ; praie harke : Ifaith my Mistresse call . Shee 'd rise and make hir readie : out alas , How will shee tie hir shoes and want hir glasse ? I 'm in a fine case to goe to hir sir : Fie Iohn : are not you sham'd to keepe this stirr ? I 'de not ha thought you would haue vs'd mee soe , How is my colour ? fie how I doe blowe ? Shame you not to putt mee in this heate ? A handkercher : fie , how my face dus sweat . Well , well ▪ Ifaith did not I loue you well , Of this your wagg'rie to your shame I 'de tell , Lord my ruff ! sett it with thy finger Iohn , Harke , harke ; pies on hir , how shee rapps for Nan. Fare-well , I 'le tell hir , sh 'as a waggish man , Satire 30 I Could allowe your suite ; but doe you her● ? My creditt Sir : my reputation 's deare , What greater blott could to my Credit bee ? Then yeilde my loue to such a one as yee . Againe you knowe your maister growes of late , To haue a mar'les suspitious Ieolous pate . H'immagins what has past : and Iohn you knowe , Wee haue too open been ; t was longe of you . Lett 's charie Bee : my deeds shall then approue , That like to thee , none shall attaine my loue . Satire 31. PRouda : your Father on his death-bedd lies , T is tenn to one , within this howre hee dies . For God-sake Prouda while as hee doth liue , Goe vnto him ; & his greate faulte forgiue . Hee dus desire the same : hee pra●es that hee ( E're die ) to you may reconciled bee . For God-sake Prouda let his latest breath Make you a mendes : hee 'le seale the same with Death . Were I a maide , my Father should be bould To saie , & saie againe that I were old . Alas your father takes it on his death , Hee ment noe harme with vtt'ring of that breath . Hee vowes , hee little thought to woman-kinde , That saying would haue troubled so their minde . Good yong - Prouda , now shewe your selfe t' aue witt , And but vnto his death hate him for it . Satire 32. WIdowes ? your Push , nor Praie Sir stand awaie , Noe nor your fie for shame , forbeare I praie , Can make a souldier cease his enterprise ; I tell you widowes , souldiers are too wise , They know that breaches into Towres are made , To enter them ; whereby the Towre t'in●ade . They knowe that asking , shall I enter in ? ● Is not the waie a Towre , or Forte to winn . Their discipline is such , they vse smale speech , But with true courage , falls-vpp intoh ' breach . Where maugre Daungers worste , they 'le make th' adventure , And ( as true spirits should ) brauely enter . They will not with beseechings pray them yeild , For falls they 'le take , but they will winn the field . Satire 33. WHy Matrita , what will it praie boote mee ? To blabb , or tell a ●atling tale of thee , Should I gaine ought to saie thou louest Iohn ? That smooth-chin'd youth thy fathers serving-man , Not for a thousand Millions I 'le report , That nightly to his bedd thou dust resort . Why , I could tell what trickes hee putts on thee : But they shall neuer be reueal'd for mee , The gettings will but little fill my purse , To tell of thy two children sent to nurse . Or tell howe closely e●'rie thing was wrought , As how the mid-wife , blind-folded was brought . Ifaith but Idle I my selfe should showe , If I should make the world , these secretts knowe . Come wench : none shall know 't : bee noe whit dismaiede , Some Londonier will take thee for a maide . Satire 34. DEepe desp'rat daunger in this Satire lies , Cause desp'rat folkes it dus annotomize . It tells what manner chatt , when woemen meere , They each the other commonly doe greete . Kate bidds hir Gossipp sitt , which once downe sett , Then fall they vnto that , for which they mett . That is to prate as they occasion take . As each occasion for their purpose make , Occasion good kinde Kate has full enough . To praise hir gossipps fashonable ruffe . Hir gossipp sitts not mumm , but sh●e agen , Lookes on Kates gowne , and much commends it then , Or on hir hatt , orelse vpon hir tyre , Commending ( for the fasshon ) hir high wyre . Protesting if hir husband were noe clowne , Shee would ( e're long ) haue such a fashon'd gowne . Hee has enough ( quoth shee ) and then shee weepes , But mee ( Ifaith ( the hogg ) at hard-meat keepes . At which ; hir gossipp Kate comforts hir then , And tells hir there 's noe best amongst these men . T is thought that I quoth shee lead a good life , But Gossipp , gossipp , since I were his wife , God knowes it gossipp ( speake to you I maie ) I haue endur'd manie a stormie daie , And then dus too-kinde Kate a crying fall , At ende of which ▪ shee curseth man-kinde all . Yet faith quoth shee why should wee fre●t at man ? They 'le all be naught , lett vs do● what wee cann . I , quoth hir gossipp , they bee crabby elues , But let ts be wise , & make much of our selu●s . And then the Custardes fetcht to cheare the harte , At eating which , they 'le laugh vntill they — Satire 35. MY ruf-rude penn would women fayne befrend Conld it but finde one worthie to commend It findes but one , my Mistres is that one Else had this barren world afforded none Yet ne're-seene-shee howe shall I sett hir forth ? Containes in hir a treble world of worth . Satire 36. AMbitious girle , why altred I my state ? Howe sowre's my life to what it was of late While I in Cottadge did my selfe containe Poore simple I , knewe nothinge that was vaine Then might I gam som Bee with modestie Yet vnsuspected rest , from Ieolosie The Milk-maydes life , oh happ'ire t' is I weene Then is the life to be an Emprours Queene . Satire 37. BEcause madd Girles I knowe what you loue best Out of my loue you see I 'ue gott you prest If there b● faultes escap't , I doe not feare : I knowe with presse-scapt-faultes you vse to beare I loue you Girles , then howe could I doe lesse ? Then putt you ( sin● I loue you ) intooth presse . Satire 38. BY Putting other women intooth presse A kind of loue to them I did expresse Because that most of them are pleased best When by theire loues they most of al are prest But thou my loue : ( my hart is knowne to thee ) By none but by my selfe shalt pressed be All workes I write on thee , ( If there 's noe let ) I will my selfe those workes both print and set Sweet wench , soe styf my loue shall stand to thee As I will sett , prynt , presse and write on thee . Satire 39. WOmen , you terme me Idle : I confess , My Idle workes doth shewe I am noe less But nowe my Idle worke I will laie by To praie you better occupyd ' then I Ill occupid' I am ; and cause t' is ill Otherwise ( as you bee ) occupyd ' I will . Satire 40. YOu little Dogges , my farr-fetcht merchaundize My sweetest foystes , my thinges of highest prize Harke to the chardge I shall impose on you Not onelie harke , but see the same you doo Such as shall vse you well : Doggs vnto such Be fawninge on ; of them still make you much If anie rates or kickes at you : then harke At them turne you agen , and grynn and bark But see that you with bytinge none assayle Exceptinge those whoo 'd haue you lick the tayle Th●s●●nelie byte : I that place byte a good D●● soe your fanges , as yf they were all blood . Satire 41. CEase whippets nowe , noe more a barkinge keepe Be quiet Dogges , the Ladies will goe sleepe Commit them to theire rest ; and doe yee hatke If pryvate freinds come to them , doe not bark Ava●t you Currs ; commit them to theire ease And scudd yon back to your Antipedes . FINIS .
Notes, typically marginal, from the original text
Notes for div A01793-e70