A neaste of vvaspes latelie found out and discouered in the Law-Countreys, yealding as sweete hony as some of our English bees

AN EPIGRAM TO my Epigrams . 1 MVsicke strike-vp , some livelie quick Iigg plaie Hange tunes that runne on malencollie kaie . Skippe nowe my verse : light Epigrams come skipp . Like doe on lawne , come light and nimblie tripp Like Catt with mouse come sporte you swiftlie faste But see like catt you pinche and nipp at laste . 2 My sences standes amaz'd , my hands doe tremble To think to what I should my loue resemble , Compare hir to the rose ; hir cryimson die Is farr more pure ; hir white excells the Ivorie , Vnto hir skynn rug'd is the smoothest Iett The softest downe to it is counterfett With in hir faces circute there are plac'd , Two heaunlie sonns , by whom the world is grac'd , Whose golden beames from-of hir lippes exhales , That hunnye dewe which Poets Nectar calls Soe faire is shee , soe sweete , smooth , soft , soe cleere As on this Earthe naught like hir maie appeare , Oh what a Matchles Mistresse haue I caught That iustlie cann compare hir vnto naught 3 Some men Ill censures Had-land ; calls him Asse Idle Goose. Vppon him most men passe But not so much for selling of his townes As vainelie spending and consuming's crownes For that a foole hee 's held . Nowe I 'me of mind , A wiser man a man shall hardlie find Who hath a crowne ; I but one crowne enioies Must haue a thowsand cares . Cares Crownes annoies Then Hadland's wise , the other Coxcombes are , For whoo 'd keepe crownes since one Crowns full of care . 4 For making , speede , pace , and firie spright The braue proude Couser should the court delight His gentle gesture , milde-sterne-statelie grace Maie gett him loue ( I graunt ) in eury place That hee 's respected I nere wonder why It is at Th' Asse ; at Asses wonder I Noe worthe's in th' asse , yet daubd' hee is in gold And trickt-vp trymmer then proude Iennetts bold At which I musd and wondred , vntill when I found th' Asse deare and neare to most great men . 5 Had I commaund at Court I would casseere Both all the porters and doore-keepers there They let too manie beggars in . T is seene Ev'n in the presence there some beggars beene Amend it Porters ; t is noe seemlie thing To haue to manie beggars nere the Kinge . 6 At Court a Beggar to a Porter came Ope doore quoth hee , I am one cripled lame The porter annsweres sirrah gett you gone This is the Court , of Beggars here coms none Then lett mee in quoth hee and make noe doubt T will scarce a courte be shut your beggars out . 7 A chattring Ape mett with a gruntling hogg Hogg quoth the Ape beware the may stife dogg Oh Ape quoth th' hogg , hard , oh hards my case For I doe meete with Doggs in eurye place Dost soe replies the Ape ? What wilt thou giue And I will teache thee howe shalt feareles live Forsake thy stie and to the lyons Court From thy base contrye howse doe thou resort Noe Dogg soe hardie is as once to dare Presume to make his bold appearaunce there For the braue lyons nature will not brooke Vppon a churlish surlie Curr to looke Beasts of my nature like his nature best His frownes wee turne to smiles with some sleight iest To see vs leape , skipp , make an antik face ▪ first wonn vs apes in to the lyons grace And therefore hogg I do wish thee take my shape the lyon fauours well the toying ape ▪ 8 Clownus would court it , nowe his countrye seate Hee halfe doth loathe , in cloathes hee groweth neate Dust here mee Clowne for that life th art vnfitt Thy want's a braine ; whose there must want noe witt Hee that would court-it , in the Court would thrive Must sympathize in nature with these five In youth hee must bee Ape and Monkey both The Ape to Imytate what others doth And like the Monkey hee in lust must burne : Must stand readye ; prick-on at eurye turne The Foxes nature hee in age must haue : Must plott . None riseth like your deepe-sculd knaue Like more beastes yet hee must be : doe you heare ? He must turne Asse ; great mens greate loads must beare must be an OX : must hugg who gives the horne T is noe disgrace for favours no we thare worne Clowne , bee still a Clowne , whood chaunge maulie shape To be an ox , fox , monkey , Asse or Ape ? 9 A Foole t' a wiseman came , Wiseman quoth hee I ve beene with Fortune who hath blessed mee My sonne sayde Fortune , thus I blesse thy birthe Thou shalt euioye the happy'st life on earthe Thou shalt haue Wealth ease , mirth : thou shalt liue free Live where thou wilt shalt neuer envy'd bee Nor shall Mistrust attend thee . Crosse the seas : for sake the Court ; I doe child what you please Yet it shall like : it shall give noe distaste Thy deedes thy mother Fortune will haue graste with that about shee turnd hir , groping-out To find hir wheel ; which found , she turnd about Allotting mee all pleasures on the earthe You , life envide : Mistruste poysning your mirth Come Wiseman then ; come marcht in rank with mee The daungers lesse , yet honourd more you see 10 A godlie Father of the romishe sect A privie and ahogstie would erect Workman saide hee looke on this logg of wood For those two purposes me thinkes 't is good The workman seeing tw'ould not serue the turne Cry'd sir ▪ this is not good enoughe to burne Howe not to burne the zealous father cries ? Noe not to burne the Carpenter replies : It is such rotten stuff t' wil not bewrought It is soe knottie ruf t is good for naught Come come the papiste cries thou wantest witt I le haue a god made an t ; I le kneele to it To it I le praie : foe will I guild-it ore As all that see 't shal't for a god adore . What will not make a privie , godes will make For that vse , of the rottenst thinges wee take Therefore to make my privie finde some good And I le wake godes of this my rotten wood . 11 Before his Holines three sutors came The firste was one giv'n all to whore and game The second vnto drinke was givn-ore soe As sober to his bedde he 'ed neuer goe The third a murthrer was giv'n all toth stabb These comming to that babalonian drabb ( after greate revrence to his sacred knee ) They humblye craue that they might pardond be Your sinns are greate his holines doth crie Wee doe confesse it father they replie But as our sinns are greate our meanes is greate Father quoth they with anngells wee haue mett Which anngells told vs that yov lou'd em soe As anie thinge for theire sweete sakes you l doe Therefore , for what w 'aue done , wee mercie craue For those good Anngells sakes letts perdon haue Pleades Angells for you quoth the Pope ? naie then I must for give . Anngells haue powre o're men . 12 Ide haue a plaie could I but to my mind Good actors gett ; but thats'not now to find For ( oh ) thare dead ; this age afordeth none , Good actors all longe since are dead and gone For beggars parte a Courtyer I would haue A Courtyers parte your scoller act-would braue You souldyer should your scoller act . But yit To plaie the king lie parte hee is more fitt Nowe for the foole I haue an exlent one Oh for that parte giue mee your merchancts sonne To act the whore ; tutt that s a common parte Eache girle of twelue yeares old can do'ot with arte But oh the Diuell ! I am graueld nowe To finde a Divell out I knowe not howe And with out one my plaie shall nere comeforth For with out Divells , plaies are nothing worth Mas I haue thought of one for gold hee l come An exlent actor is the Pope of Roome , 13 Fryer quoth the Divelles thou standst my freind I m'e caste awaie ; my daies are at an end Nowe god defend the fryer saithe ; for then Wee fryars should bee left fatherles poore men As for my frendshipp , doubt mee of noe evill Faithfull fryers nere falfe-are to the divell Therefore make knowne your case ; be bold , reveale Our order can your secretts best conceale Then knowe it fryer , in loue , in loue I am To thee for counsell in that case I came A Nunn I loue , without I haue 'a Nunn Tell all the world the Divell is vndone Loue you a Nunn ? a Nunn is t you desire Take my shape on you ; Nunns deneys noe fryer . 14 At hells wide gates a souldyer once did stand His reason was to veiwe th' infernall band But as hee lea'nd to see eache troope passe by Hee taken-was and doubted for some spie What makst thou here ? what art the divell cryes ? A Martialliste ; a souldyer hee replies The multitude of Monkes and fryers there At name of souldyer , thus cry'de-out with feare Oh divell , if thou dost loue vs convaie That souldyer hence : wit hs passe pack him awaie In quiet else wee nothing here shall doe Thei l vse our gods , our holie sisters too And therefore out with him , t is fowle abuse Yf anie but one selues doe those things vse This is the Cloister we allotted are Therefore from vs all souldyers out debarr Children the Divell cry'd yf it bee soe That hee 's a souldyer : hath naught with mee to doe Nor I with him . God did ordaine theire birth Not hell to trouble , but to vex the earthe My charge lies heere : their'es on the earthe : both hath A charge to shewe men our greate Maisters wrath Souldyers , mens bodies are to fall vppon I , on the soule , to see sharpe tortures done Who for theire paines in heaun aboue must dwell And I for mine , belowe in this darke hell And therefore out hee shall , too 's heaun I le send him Which yf hee likes not else where lett himmend him Soe out from hell the souldyer straight was throwne Since when in hell a souldyer nere was knowne . 15 I praie tell mee my fortune sir : I am A Beggar wench ; to you for that I cam A beggar wench the Fortune-teller cryes ? Indeed ' I am the beggar-wench replies Then knowe it wench quoth hee thy Fortunes good And these three babes shal springe from thy base bloud Two bratts one beggar shall begett of thee Both of them Kinghts and both shall Courtyers bee Naie yet an other sonn thou shalt emoye A Iugler shall begett of thee a boie This shall a lawyer bee , and shall in tyme With 's Iugliug tricks vp to high turretts clime Thou hearst thy Fortune wench : be gone quoth hee It Ioies mee much , I thank you for 't quoth shee Yet ere I doe departe praie lett mee craue Yf these bee all the sonns I 'me like to haue For trulie sir my mynd doth give me yit I shall haue one son more ; who shall in wirt And valour th' rest as farr surpasse As steedes in couradge doe the sillie Asse My mind doth giue me sir I shall bring forth A sprightfull souldyer one of matchles worth A souldyer whore quothe hee ? out baggadg base A souldyer cannot spring from beggars race . 16 Plorus your wise let tenn — in one night One of those tenn you knowes the Parsons right Why pay 't him then ; thou knowst a barlie strawe Will make a parish parson goe to lawe Paye him his — oh pry thee lett him ha' te Lesse thinges then — will stirr them to debate , 17 T is saide that Idelnes doth mischeefe breed And soe it doth ; that sayings true indeed Then Parish parsons you are nowe a daies The onelie men that doe deserue best praise For lawyers would growe Idle , did not you Stirr your parish to sett them taskes to doe A blessed worke ; a deed well worthy noate A thing befitting best , men of your coate I doe applande the deede ; and lawyers shall Stand bare to you , shall you theire maisters call . 18 Benefio , benefis , benefit I de conster thus yf I should English it I doe well ; so 's englisht benefio Benefis , a benefize to buy ho For though I 'ue neither learning nor goodwitt Yet buy a benefice I le benefitt . 19 Oh Deate th' art wrongd ! abused in our land Thy office Deathe is wrested out thy hand Vnto thy office Death it doth belonge T' vnloose that sacred knott god tyed soe stronge God did ordaine thee Deathe , and onelye thee T' vnloose that knot , bu't nowe more Deathes there bee . 20 A Iudge t' a surgeon came , surgeon quoth hee My arme is sore , what is t soe payneth mee ? The surgeon looking on it , sir hee cryes Oh much corruption in your arme there lies A poore man by , cryes surgeou vnderstand T' is not in 's arme , corrupted is his hand . 21 A Bedrid man before a Iudge was brought The Iudge biddes stand-vp sirrah as you ought Oh sir , nor goe , nor sitt , nor stand can I I am your freind praie give me leaue to lie Art thou my freind quoth hee ? then lie thy fill a Iudg gives all his freindes leaue to lie still . 22 Were I to choose a Captaine , I would than Not choose your courtyer or a youth full man Noel would choose a Iudge ; one grym and graue To make a Captaine such a man I d'e haue Giue mee that man whose frowning browe is deathe I such a one as cann kill men with breathe . 23 Younge Lawyers Cubs ( spruse studentes termd by some ) To you as humble sutor I doe come My sute is this you 'l send mee from yovr Inns Some of you old slye-pated foxes skynns Wee l make drumms heades of them : in doinge soe I knowe by th' eares our foes and we shal goe Praie send vs some ; wee all will thank you then ; I knowe theire skynns to braules will stirr-vp men . 24 Clarke quoth the Coun sellor I must ride downe What shall I doe , there 's not one horse in towne ? Why sir replies the Clarke , that is noe lack In steed of horse bestride some Clyentes back Although an Asse vn seemelie is in showe Yet hee treades sure , and whipp him on , hee l goe Bestride a Clyent sir , hee shall not tire I l'e spurr him on , vnto your owne desire . 25 A Woman to a Lawyer came , sir quoth shee Beseeche your doe a fauour vnto mee What wouldst thou haue the man a lawe replies ? O sir your helping hand the good wife cryes For god sake sir quoth shee let me entreate You l make my husbandes smale thing very great The saie of nothing lawyers can great matters make Therefore I praie sir this thing vndertake . 26 A Chauncery Clyent hauing spent his summs Vnto a vsring broker sneaking comes Broker saide hee t' is told me by a freind That you vppon a sute good gold will lend I haue a sute , faire , stronge , but verye deare One that I 've worne almost this twentie yeare Which yet is freshe as when I firste did weare-it T' will weare-out me'till I 've noe strengh to beare it . A sute soe lastinge stronge thother replies ? I le deale for it : where is it sir hee cries ? Why in the Chauncrye replies the clowne There carelely my sutes throwne vp and downe And therefore praie sir ridd me oft : The saie Men of your trade soone ridd mens sutes awaie The Broker scornfullie from him goes forth And tells him those old sutes are little worth . 27 An old bald-pated graue graie-bearded sire Stole to a wench to quench his lustes desire shee askt him what profession hee might bee I am a Civell lawyer girle quoth hee A Civell lawyer sir ? you make mee muse Your talkes too broade for cyvell men to vse Yf Civell lawyers are such bawdy men Oh what ( quoth shee ) are other lawyers then ? 28 Take leases ho. You that haue hansome wiues Good husbandes plaie , take leases for theire lives For If your wives but faire and hansom bee Phisitians will warrant em for yee If they but feele theire pulse , then doubt noe lives I l'e warrant you thei le warrannt then your wiues By arte to women they cann put in life He 'es sure to gett that letts them warrants ' wife . 29 Three sortes of Folkes there are which haue a trick Gold out of men and womens tailes to pick Your Panda'rs one , the second of these three Is one which nightlie scoures things priuylee I de name the third and last sorte of these men But all Phisitians I should anger then . 30 Lye thus ( the Fencer cryes , ) thus must you guard Thus must you slipp , thus poynte , thus passe , thus ward And yf you l kill him sir , this trick learne then With this same trick you maie kill manie men A Doctor standing by , cryes Fencing Foole Both you and hee , to mee , maie come to schoole Thou dost ' but prate : my deedes shall showe my skill Where thou hurtst one , a hundred I do kill . 31 If warrs should cease & tyme of peace should growe I would Phisitian turne : that course I d'e goe Soe might I keepe my handes in vre ; and still Some one or other eu'rye daie might kill Oh Ide growe subtill , I would learne the trick To make a sick man sound , a sound man sick . 32 Are you returnd my waspes ? I cannot see Howe manie men soe soone should stinged bee This world is spacious wide : t is roundlie large Soe soone then howe could you my charge discharge Therefore abroade againe ; aboute goe seeke I loue to see men arie , t' heare women shreeke ▪ 33 T is saide of roringe boies there 's manie theeues ( Hee s in the truthe I thinke which soe beleeues ) Yet I doe think more witches are of them Then are of anie other sortes of men My reason 's this ( I feare I shall bee bangd ) Cause alwaies there 's as manie burnd as hangd ▪ 34 Hee that hath wealth t is fitt that hee should haue A lock on 's trunck , his gold and wealth to saue But he in whose pate there remaines noe witt Me thinkes a lock on his pate is vnfitt Then Rorers why doe you weare such huge locks ▪ Your heades are poore . Of with them with a pox . 35 Hath hee in question beene for pursing crymes ? Scap te sargants handes , the hangmans twentie tymes Hath hee on whores consumd his landes and stock ? Beene brought to bedd , deliv'red of the pock ? Lost'es haire from 's heade ? loste th'ead of you know what ? Yf he those scapes haue had , and hath loste that Oh praie then let him passe : lett him enioye This famous title ; yon 's a Roringe boie . 36 Wouldst thou turne Rorer boye ? wouldst growe in fashon Learne this garbe then , shalt gaine faire reputation Tobacco take ; run in each mercers score Visit plaies , be seene to court thy whore Laughe at learning ; call preachers sheepishe men schollers asses : stick not nowe and then To censure deedes of Kinges . Naie gainst gods deytie Be bold to belche forth broadest blasphemie Must keepe a cattalogue : must haue the name Of eurye merchannts wife which is of fame Must slannder all ; the fairest dames muste staine Must saie with conntesses , with queenes t hast laine Muste bee noe coward : thy selfe must proudlie carye Muste mouthe-it stoutelie in eache ordynarye Where , yf but of thy losses thy tongue walke Muste of noe lesse a losse then hundreds talke Must learne to lie ; muste learne thy lie to face And lastelie howe to sweare God dam the : with a grace Learne these younge boie , great man thou shalt be then . Who doe these Ill thinges well must needes bee men . 37 Furious Hott-spurr , a reason pry thee yeild Why thou soe fighst ; why thou goste soe in feild Is t' after bloude thy drye soule soe doth thriste ? Remember Cayn howe god that murthrer curste But tell me Hott-spurr , wherein doste thou gaine When thou in feilde thy euemye haste slaine ? Thy venter's muche : I ft ' bee but to gett bloude Then tell mee ( being gott ) wherefore is t good ? Thou canst not canst ? I tell thee thou vaine goose Thou hazardst bodie howe thy soule to loose This bloud once spilte doth not like bodies die But that reviues and vp to th'eauns doth fllie Where to the lord it pointes out that black deed Crying-out for vengeanc , vengeance lord with speed Foole sheathe thy sworde ; avoide fond privat braules Our blades should sleepe vntill our countrie calles . 38 Gooden-dagh Butter-boxe : I vnderstand Thou dost in-habitt in the Netherland I pry thee Smeere-chopps doth not he which buyes A thing cald wife there , paie for hir excise ? Who buyes an ox , a cowe , or such like beaste Paies for hir hornes , hide , flleshe , excise at leaste Hee knowes not when shee s bought : beside the Boore He must betall the gelt to twentie more I pry thee Butter-boxe make mee so wise As knowe , yf men maie wiue , not paie excise . 39 Dutchmen should paie ( yf they did paie theire due ) A taxe for eu'rye chymney old and newe Then honest Dutchmen , praye nowe lett me axe Why for your womens tayles you paie noe taxe ? Yf those are chymneys where folkes fyers make ? Then your wiues tailes for chymneys I doe take For there are Fiers , Fyers there they dailie keepe : And therefore paie your dues ; those chymneys sweepe . 40 Demaund you why or'e stoues Dutch-women sitts ? Oh strange ! praie why doe you putt meate on spitts ? Is t' not to roste the same ? nere wonder then : For soe they sitt to roste meate for theire men Althoughe theire men all daie on hodgepodge eate Yet in the night they cloye them with roaste meate . 41 Water they saie will not wild-fyer quench Then wild-fire in thy stoue thou bearst dutch-wench For yf by water it would quenched bee Then out il would ; soe waterd t is by thee But why it wil not out , I nowe doe knowe Thy bellowes wench ; they alwaies puff and blowe . 42 In Holland , Zealand , all the Netherlandes Younge men with maides ( allnight ) walk handes in handes In darkest night , to walk , they moste delight For doinge which , some doe applaude theire sight They neede not do 't ; they see as other men For when t is darke they goe by feeling then . 43 A Huntsman and his Dogg did latelie come To the lowe countreys from theire English home Oh Dogg quoth hee ( I spea kt ' with griefe of harte ) Wee one from tother shal be for'cd to parte I shall not able-bee to give thee meate Nowe bones and paringes I my selfe must eate Why sir ( replies the Dogg ? ) I hope not soe I cann and will your maisters pleasure showe Pleasure quoth hee ? If thou wilt them delight Thou must showe proffit Dogg , or learn to fight . 44 A messenger from the'auns was latelie sent T'envite poorè tradesmen vnto merryment Bruers , Taylors , and cookes ( amongst the reste ) Envited ' were vnto that solenm feaste But they being verye busie annswerd thus Oh messenger saide they excuse thou vs Our leasure will not serue vs there to goe The Divell here on earth employes vs soe My Country'es French the Taylor cryes : and I Must liue there-in else Frenchmen straight will die As th' ynglishe nation doe theire bellies cramm Soe wee our backs : To them a nurse I am I 'me Englishe quoth the Cooke : my Nation lookes For naught but meate , good stomacks and good cookes Therefore should I to heaun ; my Country men Could not devise howe they should surfett then I 'me Dutch the Bruer cryes , and should I clyme Aboue the cloudes before prefixed tyme Our nations soules beneathe hells pitt would sincke For dead theire hartes growe when they want good drinke Therefore tell God the Divell staies vs here To keepe our nations from ascending there . 45 When Foxe-furr walkes , he treades the formalst pace When Foxe-furr talkes , hee talkes with grauest grace Hee licks not 's lipps , nor pickes his fingers endes But to formality eache motion tendes In all thinges Foxe-furs formall ; I , his nose At all times with formallitie hee blowes At meate ( at mouthe ) hee formallie breakes winde From meate as formallie hee breakes behind Oh since graue Foxe-furr cann saie I and noe 〈◊〉 a sheere-towne Mayor maie passe I trow . 46 Aske Crafte the Merchante whether hee doth walke ; Why to th' exchaunge quoth hee t'exchaunge some talke Askes ' ietting wife ; his lisping prettie bride To what greene banck that golden snake doth slide Shee lispes-out , to my garden trulie sir : But wott you what t' is thither draweth hir ? Oh sir , that s hir exchaunge : shee walketh there Tex'change hir bodie , in the open aire Hir prentize there , his maisters factor proues And choppes such wares as merchantes wiues best loues ; 47 You Sailors , yf you 'l wealthy-growe , and thrive , Steere suche a course as you maie fairelie wiue Gett you but bewtious wiues , and you shall see Againste your comming home thei 'le loaded bee I , costom-free your merchanntes loade em will And with best wares your wiues ware-howsen fill . 48 While Sea-horse gallopps ouer gulfes and sandes Entending to discouer vnknowne landes At home hee leaues his marchannt with his wife Who sailes with hir yet nere adventers life Nowe on a ruffe waues back his friggot daunceth Anon t' a vaultie hollowe downe it channceth Nowe is shee toste ; anon turnd o're and ouer : Vnder nowe ; a non shee manlie doth recouer & thus on lande strannge straightes hee seekes to find Runing his course soe longe as good 's his winde In hir hee rows ; but all 's discou'ries 〈◊〉 49 Ther 'es three thinges makes me think that cittie wiues Are least infected with these papiste liues The firste is this ; they keepe noe hollidaies For then they are most occupyde men saies The second is , to see them croste t' is rare For Townsmens wiues but sisdom crossed are The third is this ( this often hath beene tryde ) Fastinge , and prayers they cannot well abide Ill Nunns they 'd make , for who of late did see A London girll that did vowe chastetee ? 50 A souldyer , Lawyer , and a Cytizen In thicke-wide Forreste ( once these wandring men ) Had loste them selues , but Fortune did provide For eache of these a beaste to bee his guide Vnto the souldyer ( with a mild-maiestick grace ) A princelie Lyon gentlye bent his pace Vnto the Lawyer did the subtill Foxe Two to the Townsman went , the Ass the Oxe Eache telling in theire languadge , howe that they Would t'eache of them a guider bee in 's waie The firste the Lyon thankes ; thother the oxe The Townsman thankes and followes th' Asse & thoxe But most in gratefull hee ( in humane borne ) Robbes the mild asse ofs ' witt , and th' oxe ofs ' horne . 51 I's t not a braue life hoe to serue a Lorde ? It s naught but trusse his pointes and waite ats'borde A man shal bee assu'rd enoughe to eate Yf hee catche bones which hath enough of meate The life hath ease ; a man neede ueuer stirr Lesse whens Lorde — t' aske , doe you call mee sir. 52 Had I a thousand girles noe care I 'de take For those my girles , portions to scrape or rake . I 'de make em chamber maides ; or else they should Bee wayting gentlewomen If I could Were they not then card'-for ? then yf they will Vnder theire lordes they maie bee getting still . 53 Is t not straunge that Townsmen daielie eates Fatt uenison as oft as other meates ? Noe , t is not straunge ; for theire sweete wiues may haue As manie warrants as thei 'le euer craue Pure soules ! if they but lispe-out praye my Lord Giue me a warrant ; tha'ue it at firste worde Lordes are kinde to giue ; and a Cittie dame To begg a warrant neuer holdes it shame 54 Nowe good sir Iohn ( the beggar cryes ) I praie Bestowe your worshipps almes on mee to daie Releeue my wantes quoth hee ; I am your brother Wee borne-are one to helpe and ayde an other My brother quoth Sr. Iohn ? poore wretched wight ! Why thou mistakest me , I am a knight I know 't quoth hee ; but harke you kinde sir Iohn Ther'e 's manie a knight kinn to the beggar man . 55 Late did I take a knight on Beggar wench Hee was on fire ; t was shee the flame must quench The Beggar-wenche I askt yf shee did like Better with knightes , then with poore beggars strike Faithe sir quoth shee yf I shall speake but right I finde as one , the Beggar and the knight . 56 Nowe god bee with old Chuff ; avouch 't I cann That graie side-coated swadd dyed a good man Yet dailie heed ' bee drunck : naie this is more The riche old churle for eache daie kept a whore Yet not-withstanding I doe tell noe lie In saying Chuff did a right goodman die Praie speake ; maie not the knight his sonn bee glad , In that for father hee a good-man had . 57 Praie wronge not Late-coynd ; giue the man his right Hee 's made a gentleman although noe knight Hath hee not bought a kinghts old cloathes ? why than Late-coynd I hope is made gentleman For nowe t is cloathes the gentleman doth make Men from gaie cloathes theire pedigrees doe take But wott you what 's the armes to such mens howse Why this , hands chasinge of a rampant Lowse . 58 What shall wee thinke nowe of the Iack-dawes state ? Is not that Fowle becom a Potentate ? The Eagles howse of stickes and strawes are built Free from vaine pompe ; not burnist ore with guilt But Dawes haue built em howses wondrous faire With proude pyramides t'out-braue the aire Blame not the Dawe to leaue base , strawes to peck : You sec whose ' nowe the Iacke-dawes archyrect . 59 Why laughe you at Iack-dawes ? I cannot see But that Iacke-dawe's both wise and honest bee Honest in this : howskeeping they vphold ; They keepe good howses as in daies of old . And herein wise : Greate men greate howses make But Iackdawes straight possession of them take Thare wise and honeste , and to outward showe They are devoute ; to Church they dailie goe Longe maie they live . For Iack-dawes I will praie ; Were Iackdawes dead , howskeeping would decaie . 60 Dost heare mee Iacke-dawe ? thou doste saucie growe : Gett better manners ; learne thy selfe to knowe , Howe dar'st thou Iett-it to the Eagles courte ? Thou art too bold ; why there doth none resort But birdes of noblest partes . There doth fall The soring Faulcon which soe praies on all The Peacock with his riche embrodred plumes Spreades there his taile ; high place he there asumes The Nitingall singes there , and nowe and than There falls a turtle Doue , a milke-white Swan A waie thou foolishe dawe , seeke not t' aspire Keepe thou thy countrye howse ; perke-vp noe hire Or yf thou needes must change , seeke-out the Gull Cuckoe ; woodcock ; eache Cittie of them 's full Exchaunge with them : Cittie Cuckoes loue To flie a breade : eache summer they remoue . 61 England , of Oxen , sheepe , horse , thou haste thy parte Likewise , with hartes , hindes , buckes ; enritcht thou art Plentie of these thou haste : but I doe muse Noe more wild-bores with in thy boundes doe vse If Bores of hogges doe come , thou shouldst haue store Noe land of truer hogs had euer more Search courte , or country ; woodes or Fenny boggs All 's ' one , all places nowe yeildes gruntling hoggs . 62 Sir quoth a Clowne , your father ( as wee saie ) Was a good man ; yet neuer went soe gaie His cloathes were such as howsewiues fingers spinn I neuer sawe him strutt it in sattyn Hee deed good deedes . T was seld seene from his doore A man came vnreleivd ' that liv'd but poore The Chymneys of his howse were alwaies swept They allwaies smoakt : that she'wd what howse hee kept What talkst thou of his actes ( younge Make-waste cries ? ) Nowe good deedes with the good deed-doer dies Talk of my acts ; I can orethrowe the oake And make my nostrylls like his chymneys smoake . 63 Prate-well hath courted me ; hath wood my witt Told me for plaies it was exceeding fitt Would haue mee beate my braines t' instruct & teache Parrottes and Mag-pies howe on stage to preache Goe Epigram goe annswere that fond woer ' Tell him I will not : bidd him sue noe more Soe tell him I will teache noe cranes to stalke Nor clipp these Mag-pies tongues to make em talke I am noe beareward ; for doe what I can I cannot make an ape to Imitate a man . 64 Goe to your plaie-howse you shall actors haue Your baude , your gull , your whore , your pandar knaue Goe to your bawdie howse , y 'aue actors too As bawdes , and whores , and gulls : pandars also . Besides , in eyther howse ( yf you enquire ) A place there is for men themselues to tire Since th' are soe like , to choose there 's not a pinn Whether bawdye-howse or plaie-howse you goe in . 65 But speake I praie , who is t would gess or skann Fantasmus to be borne a Englishe man ? Hee s hatted spanyard-like and bearded to Ruft Itallyon-like ; pae'd like them also His hose and doubletts ' Frenche ; his bootes and shoes Are fashond pole in heeles , but French in toes Oh hee s compleate ! what shall I descant an ? A compleate Foole : noe compleate Englishe man . 66 Were I a captaine and might choose my men Flattrers and Parrasits I would choose then Valyant they bee ; they neuer feare the shott Tha 're forwardst still when seruice is most hott They feare noe shot . Yet such men Flattrers bee As still yf anie scapes , they scape shott-free Mistake mee not ; misconster not this shott Th' are shott-free , when , service in Tavern 's hott . 67 A honest Baker latelie did espie A Scivner preachinge on the pillorie Scrivner hee saide , bequeathe thy eares to mee Though I can heare , yet I want eares quoth hee Take them the serivner cryes to doe thee good Oft Bakers eares or'e serivners heades haue stood . 68 Were I a gallant and could maintaine men I d'e haue bald-pated laddes t' attend mee then For men whose pates are bare and bald at topps Are exlent fitt to keepe Tobacco shoppes Two thinges vppon a bald crowne on maie doe That 's cutt Tobacco , and well drye-it too Theire braines are hott : theere sculls as thinn as shell Lay 't on the bald-place it will drye it well . 69 Souldyer ( quoth a Iugler ) wilt learne of mee ? I le ' teache thee tricks ; such , thou didst neuer see The souldyer sighes , shakes head , and annsweres thus A Las , too manye trickes are showne to vs Tricks on poore souldyers eu'rye Captaine putts : Slyghts to drawe gold from-out our shrunck-vp gutts T is they haue tricks , and therefore Iugling Foole Yf thou 't learne tricks , to them goe thou to schoole . 70 Captaine ( a Seargant cryes ) , a souldyers dead What shall bee done ? shall hee bee buried ? Howe buryed man ? thou dost thy office trymm Firste lett mee make the moste I can of him Aliue I made the moste of that poore man I 'le nowe as much make of him as I can If his haire , fleshe , skynn is nothing worthe Then rypp-out's harte ; his verye harte pull forth Sell it in Spaine : Folkes of those forraine partes Will giv'es good gold for our poore souldyers hartes . 71 A Scotche and Englishe-man made theire request Vnto the godes that they in heaun might rest Wee will admytt you both the Godds did crie : But Scotchman , vnto thee conditionallie . Th' agreement's this ; yf here wee thee estate Thou must not bee to bold , nor full of prate Naie , more conditions yet ; Thou must not lie Nor sooth vs vp . Wee Goddes hate flatterie . 72 Why howe nowe Waspes , are you returnd agen ? I knowe vnstung remaines a world of men And therefore once more out ; make th' other flight Where yf you find noe men , on women light Turne taile to them ; but mark you what I tell Sting them not much , too much theire flesh will swell . 73 My mistress is not light , yet shynes shee light Hir bewties beames appeares in darkest night If in the darke shee s light , you must confess A Dyamond shee is , or little less Oh shee s a Diamond ; in Darke shee s light A tutchstone too , and tries yf thinges are right . 74 To gild the heauns , in daie , the golden sunn Through the cleere skie his course doth proudlie runn The silv'rye Moone ( with thowsands spanglie lights ) Doth likewise brnish-ore the gloomie nightes But th' Earth ( our sullen damm ) to sett hir forth Noe taper had vntill my mistresse birth But since hir birth th' Earth maie with th'eauns compare For to hir Lightnes they but darknes are . 75 Awaie with sicklye wenches ( whitelye fac'd ) And those whose heades with amber lockes are grac'd Those puling creatures are vnfit for men They crye tha 're sick when wee haue neede of them Wouldst chuse-out one vnto a man most true ? Chuse then out one of cleere deepe-sanguy'nd hue With black-browne haire : in whose sweete face is sett Two sparkling lampes ; yet black as blackest iett With dympled chynn , with lipps pure rubby-redd This wench a liue shalt find with in thy bedd I , actiue , nimble : hah ; hir stirring spright Hates sluggishe sleepe . Loues motion all the night Chuse suche a one ; I chuse soe for my parte Such , men should loue ; such loue men with theire harte . 66 Oh What a bodie hath my ladie there ? Shee s straungelie stronge ! what burthens shee doth beare ! Late did a dunghill Carr vppon hir fall Vnder which shee laie ; neuer hurt at all Oh who but shee could liue , being soe brusht ? T' is wondrous strannge hir honours noe more crusht . 67 Some Ladies in noe coatch or croatche will ride Vnles tha 're dawbd with gold , such shewes their pride ▪ Welfare my Ladye Constance ▪ heaunlie starr ! She leaues hir coatch-of to ride with a Carr I with a dunghill Carr nowe doth shee ride Oh would all Ladies were soe free from pride . 78 Poetus with fine sonnets painteth forth This and that fowle ladies , bewties worth Hee shewes smale witt thereby ; and for his paines ( By my consent ) hee neuer shall reape gaines Why what neede Poetts painte them ? oh sweet elues ! Why ladyes painte theire bewties best themselues . 79 When I to Court did come , I musd ▪ to see The Lordes soe braue . It halfe amazed mee I did expect the most had mourners beene All widowers I thought I should haue seene I did in deed : This reason for t had I Cause eurye daie theire Ladies there doe die . 80 My Ladies teeth are alwaies extreame white Yet fewe knowes howe they come in that faire plight Shee rubbes em not with ranck tobacco ashes Nor with pure water , white hir fanges shee washes Nor is t with water as is stild from rose Noe hirs distild is from hir owne sweete nose . For as the tubb receaues each dropp from spout Soe doth hir mouth from hir still-dropping snoute . 81 When Maddam Minsitt at hir table sitts Shee seemes to straine to swallowe downe small bitts If shee but cram a larkes thighe downe hir bellie Shee Streakes , cryes shee s soe full , shee burst-shall wellie Praie aske hir Foole ( shee being out a sight ) What greate bitts then must serue hir appetite Bitts then indeed , Indeed then in hir bellie Bitts of a pound hir foole doth putt-in wellie . 82 Maide quoth my Ladye ( as in bedd shee lies ) Make mee a Caudle 'gainst such time I rise Dy Doctour saith it will doe me noe harme To put some thing into my bellie warme The maide lowe-cursey makes , and cries , forsooth It shall bee done ; soe ambling forth shee gooth But shee scarce gone , hir back not turned wellie But th' vsher putts warme caudles in hir bellie . 83 Boye , bring my horse quoth Shift ; but doe not tarye This meale I meane to saue an ordynarie To daie my ladie Shift-of I le goe see Who will I hope to dynner envite mee : I le bring your horse his boye replies ; But sir You 'l loose your labour yf you visitt hir Hir Cooke for dynner nothing ready makes Till dinners paste shee alwaies phisick takes Shee 'l not bee seene ; hir chamber shee keepes then To eate , and feed , and feed , and eate agen . 84 Why should Ladye my wedd ? this maradg knott Is knitt too faste : till deathe it looseth not And what are husbandes good for ? faith d' yee heare For nothing after firste or second yeare Therefore my ladyes wise : with out controule ( To please hir bodie ) shee maie damm hir soule ▪ An vsher shee maie haue nowe to hir mind Nowe vnto what hir Ladishipps enclind shee nowe maie haue ; hir page to come at call A wanton monkey else to sport with all Him maie shee stroake , laie in hir lapp , make fatt Doe anie thing with him ; yet what a that Nowe maie shee ride , walke , daunce , kisse , laughe , lie downe What maie shee not doe nowe ? noe threatring frowne Noe austeere looke , noe angry bended browe Apales hir cheekes . Shee s free , lives fearles nowe My Ladyes wise ; there is noe mary'd wife Such pleasure takes as shee in single life . 85 ▪ My ladyes verdingall is wondrous wide But what a that ? shee wear'st not soe for pride Indeed shee doth not sir. yet yf you 'd knowe Why'boute hir bumm soe hudge a hoope doth goe I le tell it you . Praie sweet sir vnderstand Shee for a maide doth goe , as yet vnmand By vertue of hir vardingall , shee ( wellye ) Doth make poore men beleeue shee hath noe bellie A rare trick t is : Greate wastes t will make seeme small And bellies barrell-bigg , seeme naught at all . 86 My ladye learnes hir little page to skipp I lie Infaith for tis my Ladies whipp But why think you my Ladye takes such paines To borrowe from Nedds britch such crimson staines Oh Nedd did see lie at my Ladies back My Ladyes Freind , of which did Edward clack Who can excuse the boie ? waggs sworne toth smock should from their tongues such secrett secretts lock . 87 A Cannon-shaken souldyer lame-lie legd ' Late of a braue Court ladie boldlie begd Madam ( the souldyer cried ) praie give releife Vnto a man dismembred full of greife Wantst members knaue quoth shee ? oh hang thee then Wee ladies nere releiue dismembred men . 88 If you were wise then would you nere ask why My Ladyes womans tayle soe oft doth crie Alas hir vardingales ' a doore soe wide As it letts more winde in then t'can abide And that s the cause ( Indeed I doe not lie ) Which makes my Ladies womans taile soe crie . 89 Page ( quoth my Ladie ) goe shitt the doore . The wind Whispers to lowde : a Tyrant t is I find And therefore shitt boye shit ; shitt-too the doore T is good lett badd guests out , but in noe more . T'vnhappie wagg ( fraught with a knauish witt ) Cryes , Maddam , t is not my office doores to shitt Praie bidd your gentlewoman doo 't : hir face Doth looke as yf shee would shit eurie place . 90 By wans wise pollicie it hath beene found That beastes ( though nere soe stronge ) are alwaies bound The hudge greate Elaphaunt , the Maystiff Curr By men are bound ; both made they dare not sturr The princelie lyon by man's speciall witt Is forcd with mildnes in his denn to sit But womens nere chain'd tongues ( beastes smale to th' eye ) Mans moste engenious witt could neuer tie Oh men I nere shall hold you trulie wise Vntill to hold them engynns you devise . 91 Thinges that are bitter , bittr'er then gall Phisitians holdeth to bee phisicall Then womens tonges mee thinkes to powder beaten Must needes bee soe , yf as a potion eaten Nothing more bittir is . Therefore I muse Why they in physick womens tongues nere vse Faithe prove them Doctors : vse them in a pill : Thinges oft helpe sick men which doe sound men kill . 92 A Revr'end Iudg sitting to rite mens wronges Commaundment gaue that all should hold theire tongues At which as dumb a while the Audyence satt Vntill a woman with hir taile gann chatt Why who talkes there ( the rev'rend father cries ? ) All hold theire tongues ( graue Iudge ) the men replies Onelie a woman troubled here with wind Vnto hir self ( wee thinke ) doth breake hir mind Indeed quoth hee to much it is to doe T' make women hold theire tailes and their tongues too . 93 Naie trulie husband , praie nowe husband cease Perswasions cannot moue and therefore peace Haue not I saide I will not ? shewing why A leadging this stronge reason too , For I Mee thinkes such reasons might ' perswade a man When wee saie Will not , rockes moues sooner than . 94 In Bedd a younge man with his old wife laie Oh wife quoth hee I v'e lett a thing to daie By which I feare I am a looser much His wife replies , youthes bargaines still are suche Soe turning from him ( angrie at hir harte ) Shee vn-awares letts-out a thundring — Oh wife quoth hee noe looser I am nowe A marles greate sauer I am made by you Younge men that old wiues haue neede neuer sell Because old wiues ( quoth hee ) letts things soe well , 95 A proper man which late had loste that Iointe Which men ymprysons with a cod peece pointe Vnto a widowe came ; widowe quoth hee My wealthe is greate ; speake , wilt thou marrie me ? Aboute my howse , faire goodlie pastures haue I My feildes are large ; by which much money saue I Cowes haue I store ; and though men should not prize Theire owne true worthes ; yet all men hold mee wise Nor witt nor wealth I want your loue to merritt I am noe waie defective but in spiritt Is t spright you want ? want you a spright quoth shee ? Know 't ▪ were you lord of th' Earthe you gett and mee . 96 Wouldst learne to woe ? a Fawkner learne to bee Wild hawkes by watching are made tame you see : Soe must thou watch thy wench ; what though she 'es wild ? Yet watch hir well shalt rule hir as a child I , caste hir of ; yet hold thou vp thy lure Then stoope shee will : I , downe shee will be sure . 97 Lisba hath manlie partes ; you shall not find A wenche on th' Earthe that beares a manliere mind A wrasler she'es ; she'el trye a fall with anie A Fencer she 'es ; shath channgd a thrust with manie An Archer she 'es ; shee laies-well to a marke Drawes home a shaft ; nockt right too in the darke S'hath yet more partes ; in parte a souldyers shee shee l fight , whore , drinke , vntill shee cannot see . 98 When rich mens wiues are dead ( to couer them ) They vse t' haue marble stones laide over them Since t' is an anncyent custome I much muse Why Harts-head thou dost not that custom vse Thy wife was tall , fayre , wittie : such a one As in hir life would not haue lackt a stone Therefore Hartes-head , t'eternize hir good name Laie ore hir one , write this vppon the same Here lies one dead vnder this marble stone Which when shee liv'd laye vnder more then one . Vppon hir stone write this : yet dost thou heare At name of stone shee l rise againe I feare . 99 Smale-witt loues a woman ▪ oh wonder straunge ! But wherefore think you ? world t is time you channge T is tyme ; t is high time that you were renewd When men think women virtuoustie endewd Aske him why hee loues hir , vp go'es eyes For virtue , For hir virtue sir he cries It is hir virtue onelie ( sir saith hee ) That hath soe sence-charmd and soe rauisht mee Women virtuous ? oh straunge vnheard of Iest ▪ World World ; thy latter age it seemes proues best Fond' Smale witt nowe gives not his loue hot chace As others doe , onelie for flesh and case But for hir virtue ; t is for hir virtues sake That makes young Smale-witt that chace vndertake Nowe god be'es speed ; praie god the youth maie wynn hir But 's chaunce is rare yf hee findes virtue in hir .