THis is the Countesse Eugenias house I thinke , I can neuer hit of theis same English Cittie howses , tho I were borne here : if I were in any Citty in Fraunce , I coulde find any house there at midnight .

Theis two strange hungrie knights ( Wil ) make the leanest trenchers that euer I waited on .

A plague on them Iack , they leaue vs no fees at all , for our attendance , I thinke they vse to sett their bones in siluer they pick them so cleane , see , see , see Iack what s that ?

A my worde ( Will ) t is the great Baboone , that was to be seene in Southwarke .

Is this he ? gods my life what beastes were we , that we wood not see him all this while , neuer trust mee if hee looke not somewhat like a man , see how pretely hee holds the torche in one of his forefeete , where s his keeper trowe owe , is he broke loose ?

Hast euer an Apple about thee ( Will ) wee le take him vp sure , we shall get a monstrous deale of mony with him .

That we shall yfath boy , and looke thou here , here s a red cheekt apple to take him vp with .

Excellent fit a my credit , let s lay downe our prouant , and to him .

I le let them alone a while .

Giue me the apple to take vp Iacke , because my name is Iacke .

Hold thee Iacke , take it .

Come Iacke , come Iacke , come Iacke .

I will come to your Sir , I le Iacke ye a my worde , I le Iacke ye .

Gods me he speakes Iacke , O pray pardon vs Sir .

Out ye mopede monckies can yee not knowe a man from a Marmasett , in theis Frenchified dayes of ours ? nay I le Iackefie you alittle better yet .

Nay good Sir , good Sir , pardon vs .

Pardon vs , out ye home-bred peasants , plain english , pardon vs , if you had parled , & not spoken , but said pardonne moy ; I wood haue pardon'd you , but since you speake , and not parley , I will cudgell ye better yet .

O pardonne moy mounsieur .

Bièn iè vous remercie , ther s pardonne pour vous Sir now .

Why I thanke ye for it Sir , you seeme to bee a Squire of our order Sir .

Whose page might you be Sir .

I am now the great French Traualers page .

Or rather the french Traualers great page . Sir , on , on

Hight Captaine Fouleweather , alias Comendations ; whose valours within here at super with the Cou¯tes Eugenia , whose propper eaters I take you two to be .

You mistake vs not Sir .

This captain Fouleweather , alias Commendations ( Wil ) is the gallant that wil needs be a sutor to our Countes

Faith and if Fouleweather be a welcome suiter to a faire Ladie , has good lucke .

O Sir , beware of one that can showre into the lapps of Ladies , Captaine Fowleweather ? why hee s a Captinado , or Captaine of Captaines , and will lie in their ioyntes that giue him cause to worke vppon them so heauylie , that hee will make their hartes ake I warrant him ; Captaine Fowleweather ? why hee will make the cold stones sweate for feare of him , a day or two before he come at them . Captaine Fowleweather ? why he does so dominere , and raigne ouer women .

A plague of Captaine Fowleweather I remember him now Jack , and know him to be a dull moist braind Asse .

A Southerne man I thinke .

As fearefull as a Hare , & a will lye like a Lapwing , & I know how he came to be a Captain , & to haue his Surname of Commendations .

How I preethee Will ?

Why Sir he serued the great Ladie Kingcob , and was yeoman of her wardroppe , & because a cood brush vp her silkes lustely , she thought hee would curry the enemies coates as soundly , and so by her commendations , he was made Captaine in the lowe Countries .

Then being made Captaine onely by his Ladies commendations , without any worth also of his owne , he was euer after surnamde Captaine Commendations ?

Right .

I Sir right , but if he had not said right , my Captaine shoulde haue taken no wrong at his handes , nor yours neither I can tell ye .

What are those two Knights names , that are thy captaines Comrades , and within at supper with our Lady ?

One of their names Sir , is , Sir Gyles Goosecappe , the others Sir Cutt . Rudseby .

Sir Gyles Goosecappe what s he a gentleman ?

I that he is at least if he be not a noble man , and his chiefe house is in Essex .

In Essex ? did not his Auncestors come out of London

Yes that they did Sir , the best Gosecappes in England , comes out of London I assure you .

I but Sir these must come into it before they come out on t I hope , but what countriman is Sir Cutt . Rudeby ?

A Northern man , or a Westernmā I take him , but my Captaine is the Emphaticall man ; and by that pretty word Emphaticall you shall partly know him ; for t is a very forcible word in troth , & yet he forces it too much by his fauour ; mary no more then he does all the rest of his wordes ; with whose multiplicitie often times he trauailes himsele out of all good company .

Like enough ; he trauaild for nothing else .

But what qualities haunt Sir Gyles Goosecap now Sir ?

Sir Gyles Goosecap has alwayes a deathes head ( as it were ) in his mouth , for his onely one reason for euery thing is , because wee are all mortall ; and therefore hee is generally cald the mortall knight ; then hath he another prettie phrase too , and that is , he will tickle the vanitie an t still in euery thing and this is your Summa totalis of both their virtues .

T is enough , t is enough , as long as they haue land enough , but now muster your thirde person afore vs I beseech you ,

The thirde person and second knight blunt Sir Cutt . Rudesby , is indeed blunt at a sharpe wit , and sharpe at a blunt wit a good bustling gallant talkes well at Rouers ; he is two parts souldier ; as slouenlie as a Switzer , and somewhat like one in face too ; for he weares a bush beard wil dead a Cannon shott better then a woolpacke : hee will come into the presence like yor Frenchman in foule bootes : and dares eate garlik as a prepratiue to his Courtship ; you shall knowe more of him hereafter ; but good wags let me winne you now , for the Geographicall parts of your Ladies in requitall .

That you shall Sir , and the Hydrographicall too and you will ; first my Ladie the widowe , and Countes Eugenia , is in earnest , a most worthy Ladie , and indeede can doe more then a thousand other Ladies can doe I can tell ye .

What s that I pray thee ?

Mary Sir , he meanes she can do more then sleep , and eate and drinke ; and play at noddy , and helpe to make hir selfe readie .

Can she so ?

She is the best scholler of any woman but one in England , she is wise and vertuous ,

Nay shee has one strange qualitie for a woman besides , tho these be strange enough that hee has rekoned .

For Gods sake what s that ?

She can loue reasonable constantly , for she loued her husband only , almost a whole yeere togeather .

That s strange indeed , but what is youre faire Ladie Sir ?

My Ladie Sir , the Ladie Hippolita .

That is as chast as euer was Hippolitus .

( True my prettie Parenthesis ) is halfe a maid , halfe a wife , and halfe a widdowe .

Strange tale to tell ; howe canst thou make this good my good Assumpsit .

Thus Sir , she was betroathed to a gallant young gentleman that loude hir with such passion and admiration that he neuer thought he could bee so blessed as to enioy her in full marriage , till the minister was marrying them , and euen then when he was saying I Charles take thee Hippolita ; with extreame ioy he began to looke pale , then going forwardes saying to my wedded wife , he lookt paler , and , then pronouncing , for richer for poorer as long as we both shall liue , he lookt extreame pale ; Now sir when she comes to speake her parte , and said , I Hippolota take thee Charles , hee began to faint for ioy , then saying to my wedded husband , hee began to sinke , but then going forth too for better for worse , he coulde stand no longer but with verie conceit it seemd , that shee whome hee tendred as the best of all thinges , shoulde pronounce the worst , and for his sake too , hee suncke downe right , and died sodenly : And thus being halfe married , & her halfe husband wholy dead , I hope I may with discretion affirme her , halfe a maide , halfe a wife , and halfe a widdowe ; do ye conceiue me Sir ?

O Lord Sir , I deuoure you quicke ; and now Sir I beseech you open vnto me your tother Ladie , what is shee ?

I le answere for her , because I know her Ladiship to be a perfect maide indeed .

How canst thou know that ?

Passing perfectly I warrant ye .

By measuring her necke twice , and trying if it will come about hir forehead , and slyp ouer her nose ?

No Sir no , by a rule that wil not slip so I warrant you , which for hir honours sake I wil let slip vnto you , gods so Iack , I thinke they haue supt .

Bi r Ladie we haue waited wel the while .

Well though they haue lost their attendance , let not vs lose our Suppers Iack .

I doe not meane it , come Sir you shall goe in and drinke with vs y faith .

Pardonne moy mounsieur .

No pardoning in trueth Sir ,

Ie vous remercy de-bon Ceur .

A plague on you sweete Ladies , t is not so late , what needed you to haue made so short a supper .

In truth Sir Cutt . we might haue tickled the vanitie an t , an howre longer if my watch be trustible .

I but how should theis bewties knowe that Sir Gyles ? your watch is mortall , and may erre .

That 's sooth Captain , but do you hear honest friend , pray take a light , and see if the moone shine , I haue a Sunne diall will resolue presently .

Howsoeuer belieue it Ladies , t is vnwholesome , vncourtlie , vnpleasant to eate hastelie , & rise sodainly , a man can shew no discourse , no witt , no stirring , no varietie , no prettie conceits , to make the meate goe down emphaticaly ?

Winnefred .

Madam .

I prethie goe to my vnkle the Lord Momford , and intreat him to come quicken our eares with some of his pleasant Spirit ; This same Fowleweather has made me so melanchollie , prethie make haste .

I will madam .

We will bid our guests good night madam , this same Fowleweather makes me so sleepie .

Fie vppon it , for Gods sake shut the Casements , here s such a fulsome aire comes into this chamber ; in good faith madame you must keepe your house in better reparations , this same Fowlweather beats in so filthily .

I le take order with the Porter for it Ladie , good night gentlemen .

Why good night & be hangd , & you l needs be gon .

God giue you good night madams , thanke you for my good cheere , wee le tickle the vanitie an t , no longer with you at this time , but I le indite your La: to supper at my lodging one of these mornings ; and that ere long too , because we are all mortall you know .

Light the Ladie Penelope , and the Ladie Hippolita to their chambers , good night faire Ladies .

Good night madam , I wish you may sleepe well after your light supper .

I warrant you Ladie I shall neuer be troubled with dreaming of my French Suter .

Why how now my Frenchified captain Fowlweather ? by gods ludd thy Surname is neuer thought vpon here , I perceiue heere s no bodie giues thee any commendations .

Why this is the vntrauaild rudnes of our grose English Ladies now ; would any French Ladie vse a man thus thinke ye ? be they any way so vnciuil , and fulsome ? they say they weare fowle smockes , and course smockes , I say they lie , and I will die in t .

I , doe so , pray thee , thou shalt die in a very honorable cause , thy countries generall quarrell right .

Their smockes quoth you ? a my worde you shal take them vp so white , and so pure , so sweet , so Emphaticall , so moouing .

I marry Sir , I think they be continually mouing .

But if their smockes were Course or foule .

Nay I warrant thee thou carest not , so thou wer : at them .

S'death they put not all their virtues in their smockes , or in their mockes , or in their stew de cockes as our Ladies doe .

But in their stewde pox , there s all their gentilitie .

Nay good Sir Cutt . doe not agrauate him no more .

Then are they so kinde , so wise , so familiare so noble , so sweet in entertainment , that when you shal , haue cause to descourse or sometimes to come neerer ! them ; if your breath bee ill , your teeth ill , or any thing about you ill why they will presently breake with ye , in kind sort , good termes , pretty experiments , and tell you plaine this ; thus it is with your breath Sir , thus it is with your teeth Sir , this is your disease , and this is your medicine .

As I am true mortall Knight , it is most superlatiuely good , this .

Why this is Courtly now , this is sweete , this plaine , this is familiar , but by the Court of France , our peuishe dames are so proud , so precise , so coy , so disdainfull , and so subtill , as the Pomonean Serpent , mort dieu the Punck of Babilon was neuer so subtill .

Nay doe not chafe so Captaine .

Your Frenchman wood euer chase Sir Cutt , being thus moude .

What ? and play with his beard so .

I and brystle , it doth expresse that passion of anger very full and emphaticall .

Nay good knight if your French wood brystle , let him alone , in troth our Ladies are a little too coy and subtill Captaine indeed .

Subtle Sir Giles Goosecappe ? I assure your Soule , they are as subtill with their suters , or loues , as the Latine Dialect where the nominatiue Case , and the verbe , the Substantiue , and the Adiectiue , the verbe , and the verbe , stand as far a sunder , as if they were perfect strangers one to another ; and you shall hardly find them out , but then learne to Construe , and perse them , and you shall find them prepard , and acquainted , & agree together , in Case , gender , and number .

I detest Sir Cutt , I did not thinke hee had bin halfe the quintissence of a he is .

Slydd there s not one of them truely emphatical .

Yes I le ensure you Captaine , there are many of them truely Emphaticall but all your French Ladies are not fatt ? are they Sir ?

Fatt Sir , why doe yee thinke Emphaticall is fatt Sir Giles ?

Gods my life brother knight , didst thou thinke so ? hart I know not what it is my selfe , but yet I neuer thought it was fatt , I le be sworne to thee .

Why if any true Courtly dame had had but this new fashioned sute , to entertaine any thing in differently stuffed , why you should haue had her more respectiue by farre .

Nay there s some reason for that Captaine , me thinks a true woman should perpetually doate vppon a new fashion .

Why y' are i' th right Sir Cutt . Innoua fert Animus mutatas dicere-formas . t is the mind of man , and woman to affect new fashions ; but to our Mynsatiues for sooth , if he come like to your Besognio , or your bore , so he bee rich , or emphaticall , they care not ; would I might neuer excell a dutch Skipper in Courtshippe if I did not put distaste into my cariage of purpose ; I knew I should not please them . Lacquay ? allume le torche .

Slydd , here 's neither Torch , nor Lacquay me thinks .

O mon dew .

O doe not sweare Captaine .

Your Frenchman euer sweares Sir Cutt , vpon the lacke of his Lacquay I assure you .

See heere he comes , and my Ladies two pages , they haue bin tickling the vanitie on t yfaith .

Captaine Fowleweather , my Ladie the Countes Eugenia commends hir most kindly to you , and is determined to morrowe morning earely if it be a frost to take her Coach to Barnet to bee nipt where if it please you , to meet her , and accompany her homewarde , ioyning your wit with the frost , and helpe to nippe her , She does not doubt but tho you had a sad supper , you will haue a ioyfull breakefast .

I shall indeed my deare youth .

Why Captaine I abusd thee , I see : I said the Ladies respected thee not , and now I perceiue the widowe is in loue with thee .

Sblood knight I knew I had strucke her to the quicke , I wondred shee departed in that extrauagant fashion : I am sure I past one Passado of Courtship vppon her , that has hertofore made a lane amongst the French Ladies like a Culuering shot , I le be sworne ; and I think Sir Gyles you saw how she fell vnder it .

O as cleare as candlelight , by this day-light .

O good knight a the post , hee le sweare any thing .

The other two Ladies commend them no lesse kindly to you two knights too ; & desire your worships wood meete them at Barnet i th morning with the Captaine .

O. good Sir .

Our worships shal attend their Ladiships thether .

No Sir Giles by no meanes , they will goe priuately thether , but if you will meet them there .

Meet them , wee le die for t , but wee le meet them .

Let s goe thether to night knights , and you bee true gallants .

Content .

How greedely they take it in Sirra .

No it is too farre to goe to night , wee le bee vp betimes i th morning , and not goe to bedd at all .

Why it s but ten miles , & a fine cleere nightS . Gyles

But ten miles ? what doe ye talke Captaine ?

Why doost thinke its any more ?

I , I le ten pounds it s more then ten mile , or twelue either .

What to Barnet ?

I , to Barnet ?

Slidd , I le laie a hundred pound with thee , if thou wilt .

I le laie fiue hundred , to a hundred , Slight I will not be out borne with a wager , in that I know , I am sure it was foure yeares agon ten miles thether , and I hope t is more now , Slidd doe not miles growe thinke you , as well as other Animals .

O wise Knight !

I neuer Innd in the Towne but once , and then they lodged me in a Chamber so full of theise Ridiculus Fleas , that I was faine to lie standing all night , and yet I made my man rise , and put out the candle too , because they should not see to bire me .

A prettie proiect .

Intruth Captain if I might aduise you , you should tarrie , and take the morning afore you .

How ? O mon Diew , how the villaine poulltroune , dishonours his trauaile ? you Buffonly Mouchroun , are you so mere rude , and English to aduise your Captaine ?

Nay I prethie Fouleweather be not tempesteous with thy poore Lacquay .

Tempesteous Sir Cutt , will your Frenchman thinke you , suffer his Lacquay to aduise him ?

O God you must take heed Lacquy how you aduise your captain , your French lacquay would not haue don it .

He would haue bin poxt first : Allume le torche , sweet pages commend vs to your Ladies , say wee kisse their white handes , and will not faile to meete them : knights which of you leades ?

Not we Sir , you are a Captaine , and a leader .

Besides , thou art commended for the better man , for thou art very Commendations it selfe , and Captaine Commendations .

Why , what tho I be Captaine Commendations ?

Why and Captain commendations , is hartie ? commendations , for Captaines are hartie I am sure , or else hang them ,

Why , what if I bee harty Commendations , come , come , sweete knights leade the way .

O Lorde Sir , alwaies after my hartie Commendations .

Nay then you conquer mee with president , by the Autenticall forme of all Iustice letters . Alloun .

Here 's a most sweet Gudgeon swallowed , is there not ?

I but how will they disgest it thinkest thou ? when they shall finde our Ladies not there ?

I haue a vaunt-Curriing deuise shall make them digest it most healthfully .

Thanks gentle friends is your good Lord and mine , gon vp to bedd yet ?

I do assure ye not Sir , not yet , nor yet , my deep , and studious friend , not yet musicall Clarence .

My Lord ?

Nor yet , thou sole deuider of my Lordshippe .

O harke you Sir , this waiwarde moode of yours must syfted be , or rather rooted out , you le no more musick Sir ?

Not now my Lord ,

Begon my masters then to bedd , to bedd .

I thanke you honest friends

Hence with this book & now Mounsieur Clarence , methinks plaine & prose friendship would do excellent well betwixt vs come thus Sir , or rather thus , come Sir t is time I trowe that we both liu'd like one bodie , thus , and that both our sides were slit , and Concorporat with Organs fit to effect an indiuiduall passage euen for out very thoughts ; suppose wee were one bodie now , and I charge you beleeue it ; where of I am the hart , and you the liuer .

Your Lordship might well make that diuision if you knew the plaine song .

O Sir , and why so I pray ?

First because the heart , is the more worthy entraile , being the first that is borne , and moues , and the last that moues , and dies ; and then being the fountaine of heate too , for wheresoeuer our heate does not flowe directly from the hart to the other Organs , there , their action must of necessitie cease , and so without you I nether would nor could liue .

Wel Sir for these reasons I may be the heart , why may you be the liuer now ? .

I am more then ashamde , to tell you that my Lord .

Nay nay be not too suspitious of my iudgement , in you I beseech you : asham'd friend ? if your loue ouercome not that shame , a shame take that loue I saie . Come sir why may you be the liuer ?

The plaine and short truth is ( my Lord ) because I am all liuer , and tournd louer .

Louer ?

Louer y faith my Lord .

Now I prethee let me leape out of my skin for ioy why thou wilt not now reviue the sociable mirth of thy sweete disposition ? wilt thou shine in the world a new ? and make those that haue sleighted thy loue , with the Austeritie of thy knowledge , doate on the againe with thy commaunding shaft of their humors ?

A las my Lord they are all farre out of my aimes and onely to fit my selfe a little better to your friendshippe , haue I giuen these wilfull raygnes to my affections .

And y faith is my sower friend to all worldlie desires ouertaken with the hart of the world ? Loue I shall be monstrous proud now , to heare shee s euerie way a most rare woman that I know thy spirit , & iudgement hath chosen , is she wise ? is she noble ? is she capable of thy vertues ? will she kisse this forehead with iudiciall lipps ? where somuch iudgement & vertue deserues it ? Come brother Twinn , be short I charge you , & name me the woman .

Since your Lordship will shorten the length of my follies relation , the woman that I so passionatelie loue , is no worse Ladie then your owne Neece , the too worthie Countesse Eugenia .

Why so , so , so , you are a worthie friend are you not to conceale this loue-mine in your head , and would not open it to your hart , now beshrow my hart , if my hart dance not for ioy tho my heeles do not , & they doe not , because I will not set that at my heeles that my friends set at his heart , what ? friende and Nephew ? both nephew is a far inferior title to friend I confesse , but I wil preferre the backwards ( as many friends doe ) & leaue their friends woorse then they found them ,

But my noble Lo. it is almost a prodegie , that I being onely a poore Gentleman and farre short of that state and wealth that a Ladie of her greatnesses in both will expect in her husband .

Hold thy doubt friend , neuer feare any woman , vnlesse thy selfe be made of strawe , or some such drie matter , and she of lightning , Audacitie prospers aboue probabilitie in all worldlie matters , dost not thou knowe that Fortune gouernes them without order , and therefore reason the mother of order is none of her counsaile , why should a man desiring to aspire an vnreasonable creature which is a woman ? seeke her fruition by reasonable meanes , because thy selfe bindes vppon reason , wilt thou looke for congruitie in a woman ? why ? there is not one woman amongst one thousand , but will speake false Latine , and breake Priscians head , attempt nothing that you may with great reason doubt of , and out of doubt you shall obtaine nothing , I tell thee friend the enminent confidence of strong spirits is the onely wich-craft of this world , Spirits wrastling with spirits , as bodies ? with bodies ? this were enough to make the hope well , if she were one of these painted communities , that are rauisht with Coaches , and vpper hands , and braue men of durt : but thou knowest friend shee s a good scholler , and like enough to , bite at the rightest reason , and reason euermore Ad optima hortetur : to like that which is best , not that which is brauest , or rightest , or greatest , and so consequently worst , But proue what she can , we will turne her , and winde her , and make her so plyant that we will drawe her through a wedding ring y faith .

Would to god we might my Lord .

I le warrant thee friend .

Where is mistris Winnyfred ; for my Lady Eugenia desires to speake with your Lordshippe .

Marrie enter mistris Winnifred euen here I pray thee , from the Ladie Eugenia , doe you heare friend ?

Very easilie on that side my Lord .

Let me feele ? does not thy heart pant apace , by my hart well labor'd Cupid , the field is yours sir God , and vppon a verie honourable composition , I am sent for now I am sure , and must euen trusse and to her :

wittie mistris Winnifred , nay come neere woman I am sure this Gentleman thinkes his chamber the sweeter for your deare presence .

My absence shall thanke him my Lord .

What rude Mistris Winnifred ? nay faith you shall come to him , and kisse him , for his kindenesse .

Nay good my Lord , I le neuer goe to the market for that ware I can haue it brought home to my dore

O Winnifred , a man may know by the market folkes how the market goes .

So you may my Lord , but I knowe fewe Lords that thinke scorne to go to that market themselues .

To goe to it Winnifred , nay to ride to it y faith .

That s more then I knowe my Lord .

You le not belieue it till you are then a horsebacke , will ye ?

Come , come , I am sent of a message to you wil you heare it ?

Stoppe , stoppe faire Winnifred , would you haue audience so soone , there were no state in that y faith ; this faire gentlewoman sir .

Now we shall haue a fiction I beleiue .

Had three Suiters at once .

You le leaue out none my Lord .

No more did you Winnifred you enterferde with them all in truth .

O Monstrous Lord by this light !

Now Sir to make my tale short I will doe that which she did not ; vz. leaue out the two first , the third comming the third night for his turne .

My Lord , my Lord , my Ladie does that , that no bodie else does , desires your companie and so fare you well .

O stay a little sweet Winnifred , helpe me but to trusse my pointes againe , and haue with you .

Not I by my truth my Lord , I had rather see your hose about your heeles , then I would helpe you to trusse a point .

O wittie Winnifred ? for that left , take thy pasport , and tell thy Ladies thou leftst me with my hose about my heeles .

Well , well my Lord you shall sit till the mosse grow a bout your he les , ere I come at you againe .

She cannot abide to heare of her three Suiters ; but is not this verie fit my sweete Clarence ? Thou seest my rare Neece cannot sleep without me ; but forthy company sake , she shall to night ; and in the morning I will visit her earely ; when doe thou but stand in that place , and thou maiest chance heare , ( but art sure to see ) in what subtill , and farre-fetcht manner I le solicite her about thee .

Thanks worthie Lord .

I That haue studied with world - skorning thoughts the waie of heauen , and how trew heauen is reacht