Pleasant quippes for vpstart nevvfangled gentle-vvomen

A Glasse , to viewe the pride of vaineglorious Women . THese fashions fonde of countrey strange , which English heads so much delight Through towne and countrie which do range , and are imbrac'd of euery wight . So much I woonder still to see , That nought so much amazeth me . If they by Painters cunning skill , were prickt on walles , to make them gaye : If glasse in windowes they did fill , or trimde vp puppets , childrens play , I would repute them Antickes olde , They should for me , go vncontrolde . If they on stage , in stately sort might iet , to please the Idles eie : If Maie-game mates for summer sport , by them in daunce , disguisde might be , They would not then deserue such blame , Nor worke the wearers half the shame . But when as men , of lore and wit , and guiders of the weaker kinde : Doe iudge them for their mate so fit , that nothing more , can please their minde . I know not what to say to this , But sure I know , it is amisse . And when sage Parentes breedes in childe , the greedy lust of hellish toyes . Whereby in manners , they growe wilde , and loose the blisse of lasting ioyes , I pittie much to see the case , That we thus faile of better grace . And when proud princockes , Rascalles bratte , in fashions wil be Princes mate . And euery Gyll that keepes a catte , in rayment wil be like a State . If any cause be to complaine , In such excesse who can refraine . And when young whiskers fit for worke , in no good sorte , will spende the day : But be prophane , more than a Turke , intending nought but to be gaie : If we were bent to praise our time , Of force we must condemne this crim● And when graue Matrons , honest thought with light heeles trash will credite cracke : And following after fashions nought , of name and fame , will make a wracke , Might loue , and lip , a fault conceale , Yet act , and fact , would filth reueale . And when olde beldames , withered hagges , whome hungrie Dogges cannot require : Will whinnie still , like wanton nagges , and sadled be with such attire . A pacient heart cannot but rage , To see the shame of this our age . These Holland smockes so white as snow , and gorgets braue with drawn work wrought : A tempting ware they are you know , wherewith ( as nets ) vaine youth are caught . But manie times they rew the match . When poxe & pyles by whores they catch . These flaming heades , with staring haire these wyers turnde , like hornes of Ram : These painted faces , which they weare , can any tell , from whence they cam , ( Don Sathan ) Lord of fained lies , All these new fangles did deuise . These glittering caules , of golden plate , wherewith their heads are richlie dect : Makes them to seeme an Angels mate , in iudgment of the simple sect . To Peacockes I compare them right , That glorieth in their feathers bright . These perriwigges ruffes , armed with pinnes , these spangles , chaines , and laces all : These naked paps , the deuils ginnes , to worke vaine gazers painfull thrall . He fowler is , they are his nettes , Wherewith of fooles , great storc he gets . This startch , and these rebating proppes , as though ruffes were some rotten house , All this new pelfe , now solde in shoppes in vallue true , not worth a lowse : They are his dogges , he hunter sharpe , By them a thousand , he doth warpe . This cloth of price , all cut in ragges , these monstrous bones that compasse armes : These buttons , pinches , fringes , iagges , with them he weaueth wofull harmes , He fisher is , they are his baytes , Wherewith to hel , he draweth huge heaps . Weare maskes for vailes to hide and holde , as Christians did , and Turkes doe vse To hide the face , from wantons bolde , small cause then were , at them to muse . But barring onely wind and Sun , Of verie pride they were begun . But on each wight , now are they seene , the tallow-pale the browning-bay , The swarthy-blacke , the grassie-greene , the pudding-red , the dapple-graie , So might we iudge them toyes aright , To keepe sweet beautie still in plight . What els do maskes , but maskers show , and Maskers can both daunce and play : Our masking Dames can sport you knowe , sometime by night , sometime by day . Can you hit it , is oft their daunce , Deuse-ace fals stil to be their chance . Were fannes , and flappes of feathers fond , to flit away the flisking flies : As taile of Mare that hangs on ground , when heat of summer doth arrise The wit of women we might praise , For finding out , so great an ease . But seeing they are still in hand , in house , in field , in Church , in street : In summer , winter , water , land , in colde , in heate , in drie , in weet . I iudge they are for wiues such tooles , As bables are in playes for fooles . The baudie Buske , that keepes downe flat the bed wherein the babe should breed : What doth it els but point at that , which faine would haue somewhat to feede . Where bellie want might shaddow vaile , The buske sets bellie all to sale . Were buskes to them , as stakes to gappes , to barre the beastes from breaking in , Or were the shields to beare off flappes , when friend or foe would fray begin . Who would the buskers forte assaile , Against their sconce , who could preuaile . But seeing such , as whome they arme , of all the rest do soonest yeeld : And that by shot , they take most harme , when lustie gamesters , come in field . I guesse , Buskes are but signes to tell , Where Launderers for the campe do dwel . These priuie coates , by arte made strong , with bones , with paste , and such like ware : Whereby their backe and sides grow long , and now they harnest , gallants are . Were they for vse against the foe , Our Dames for Amazones might goe But seeing they doe only stay the course that nature doth intend : And mothers often by them slay their daughters yoong , and worke their end . What are they els but armours stout : Wherein like Gyants , Ioue they flout . These hoopes that hippes and haunch do hide , and heaue aloft the gay hoyst-traine : As they are now in vse for pride , so did they first beginne of paine . When whoore in stewes had gotten poxe , This French deuise , kept coats from smocks . I not gainsay , but bastards sprout , might Arses greate at first begin : And that when paunch of whoore grew out , these hoopes did helpe to hide their sinne . And rherefore tub-tailes all may rue , That they came from so vile a crue . If barreld bummes were full of Ale , they might wel serue Tom Tapsters turne : But yeelding nought but filth and stale , no losse it were if they did burne . Their liquors doth so smell and stinke , That no man can it vse for drinke . These Apornes white of finest thrid , so choiclie etide , so dearelie bought : So finely fringed , so nicelie spred so quaintlie cut , so richlie wrought . Were they in worke to saue their cotes , They need not cost so many grotes . When shooters aime at buttes and prickes , they set vp whites to shew the pinne : It may be , Apornes are like tricks , to teach where rouers game may winne . Braue archers soone will find the marke , But bunglers hit it in the darke . These worsted stockes of brauest die , and silken garters fring'd with gold : These corked shooes to beare them hie , makes them to trip it on the molde . They mince it then with pace so strange Like vntam'd heifers , when they range . To carrie all this pelfe and trash , because their bodies are vnfit , Our wantons now in coaches dash , from house to house , from street to street , Were they of state , or were they lame , To ride in coach they need not shame . But being base , and sound in health , they teach for what they coaches make : Some thinks perhaps to shew their wealth , nay , nay , in them they pennance take , As poorer truls , must ride in cartes , So coatches are for prouder hearts . You sillie men , of simple sence , what ioy haue you , olde-Cookes to be : Your owne deare flesh , thus to dispence , to please the glance of last●●g eie . That you should coutch your meat in dish , And others ●eele , it is no fish . Of verie loue you them array , in siluer , golde , and iewels braue : For silke and veluet still you pay , so they be trimme , no cost you sane . But think you such as ioy in these , Will couet none , but you to please . When they for gawdes , and toyes do wrangle , pretending state and neighbours guise , Then are they bent , to trap and tangle , vnskilful braines , and heades vnwise : I neuer yet saw , bayted hooke , But fisher then for game did looke . They say they are of gentle race , and therefore must be finely deckt , It were for them a great disgrace , to be as are the simple sect . Fine Gentles must be finely clad , All them beseemes , that may be had . They gentle are both borne and bred , they gentle are in sport and game : They gentle are at boord and bed , they gentle are in wealth and name . Such gentles nice , must needs be trimme , From head to foot in euerie limme . But husbands you , marke well my sawes , when they pretend their gentle blood : Then they intend to make you dawes , in vaine to spend your wealth and good . You better were the clowne to cloath , Then Gentles which doe vertue loath , True Gentles should be lightes and guides , in modest path to simple ranke : But these that straye so farre aside , themselues that thus vnseemlie pranke . They are but puppets richlie dight , True Gentrie they haue put to flight . You daintie Minions , tel me sooth , dissemble not , but vtter plaine : Is not this thus of verie troth , thinke you I slaunder , lie , or faine : When you haue all your trinkets fit , Can you alone in chamber sit ? You are not then to carde and spinne , to brue or bake , I dare well say : No thtiftie worke you can beginne , you haue nought els to doe but play . To play alone were for a sot , It 's knowne , you minions , vse it not . You thinke ( perhaps ) to win great fame , by vncouth sutes , and fashions wilde : All such as know you , thinke the same , but in ech kinde , you are beguilde . For when you looke , for praises sound , Then are you for light fisgigs crownde . The better sort , that modest are , whome garish pompe , doth not infect : Of them Dame honour , hath a care , with glorious fame , that they be dekt : Their praises , will for aie remaine . When bodies rot , shall vertue gaine . Thou Poet rude if thou be scorn'd , disdaine it not , for Preachers graue Are still dispisde , by faces hornde , when they for better manners craue . That hap which fals , on men diuine , If thou it feele , doe not repine . I know some thinke , thy tearmes are grosse , too plaine thou art , some others deeme : Be not agast , thy foes are drosse , full well doth rudenesse them beseeme . Who thee mislike , are but a messe , And here their kinds I will expresse . First , a simple swaine , that nothing knowes , next , curtaile-flurt , as ranke as beast : Then peacocke proud , that statelie goes , last , roisting knaues , of vertue least . None els but these will thee disdaine , Contemne them all as causes vaine . Good men of skill , doe know it well , that these our daies require such speech : Who oft are moued with threats of hell , whome Preachers still in vaine beseech . Is any knife too sharpe for such Or any word for them too much . Let fearfull Poets , pardon craue , that seeke for praise , at euerie lips : Doe thou not fauor , nor yet raue , the golden meane is free from trips . This lesson old was taught in schooles , It 's praise to be dispraisde of fooles . FINIS .