Greenes ghost haunting conie-catchers wherein is set downe, the arte of humouring. The arte of carrying stones. Will. St. lift. Ia. Fost. law. Ned Bro. catch. and Blacke Robins kindnesse. With the conceits of Doctor Pinch-backe a notable makeshift. Ten times more pleasant than anything yet published of this matter.

GREENES GHOST haunting Conicatchers .

THere hath béene of late daies published two merrie and pithie Pamphlets of the arte of Conicatching : wherin the Author hath sufficiently expressed his experience , as also his loue to his Countrie . Neuerthelesse with the Authors leaue , I will ouerlooke some lawe tearmes expressed in the first part of Conicatching : whereunto , as the Author saith , is necessarilie required thrée parties : The setter , the Verser , and the Barnacle . Indéed I haue heard some retainers to this ancient trade dispute of his procéedings in this case , and by them in a full Synode of quart pots it was thorowlie examined and concluded , that there were no such names , as he hath set downe , nor anie cheating Arte so christened as Conicatching . Marie , in effect there is the like vnderhand traffique daylie vsed and experienced among some fewe start vp Gallants disperst about the suburbs of London , who tearmes him that drawes the fish to the bait , the Beater , and not the Setter : the Tauerne where they go , the Bush , and the foole so caught , the Bird. As for Conicatching , they cleape it Batfowling , the wine the Strap , and the cards the Limetwigs . Now for the compassing of a woodcocke to worke on , and the fetching him into the wine bench of his wracke , is right beating the bush . The good asse is he will be dealt vpon , stouping to the lure if he be so wise as to kéep aloofe , a Haggard : and he whom he makes Verser the Reiciuer , and the Barnacle the Pothunter .

But all this breakes no square , so long as we concurre in eodem subiecto : yet I wish , that as he hath looked into these wicked actions opened therein , so he had also looked into other grosse sinnes , which are séeded in the hearts of sundrie persons . Extortion had béene a large theame to haue wrought vpon : and with the Usurers bagges full of gold he might haue handled another pretie Treatise : He might haue brought forth Justice weying bread , and the Baker putting his eares in the ballance to make euen weight . He should haue personated the Thames most pitifully complaining , what monstrous hauocke the Brewers make of her water , without all remorse or compassion : and how they put in willowe leaues and broome buds into their woort in steed of hoppes . So likewise a Christian exhortation to mother Bunch would not haue done amisse , that she should not mixe lime with her Ale , to make it mightie , or cozen the Quéenes liege people of their drink , by fubbing them off with these ●…ender wasted blacke pots and Cannes , that will hold little more then a ●…ring . A profitable Treatise might haue also béene published for such companions to looke into , as for good fellowship will not sticke to lend two or thrée false oathes to defeate the widdow and fatherlesse of ●…ir right , ●…ough in short space after they lose their eares for ●…ir labour . A perswasion against pride had beene veri●… profitable : and an exhortation against swearing had béene a thing commondable , if he had in a pleasant ●…atise shewed the folly of yong . you●…s and ●…ole queanes ; which entring into the seruice of sundrie honest persons , continue there no longer then they can cleanly conuay some sufficient cariage for their present maintenance . Then had he done well , and peraduenture giuen such light to sundrie honest housholders , that they would be carefull what persons they ●…ad receiued into their hou●…s or put in trust about ●…ir businesse .

There ●…ght haue also beene co●…piled a d●…able and pleasant Tr●…atise of the abuse committed by such as sell bottle ale , who to make it fly vp to the top of the house at the first opening do put gunpowder into the bottles while the ale is new . Then by stopping it close , make the people beléeue it is the strength of the ale , when being truly ●…ted it is nothing indéed but the strength of the gunpowder that worketh the effect , to the great heart-burning of the parties that drinke the ●…ante . I would haue had him touch the contrarietie of apparell , and set downe reasons to disswade men from wearing French peake●… , because they are good for nothing but to stab men , as also told the vse of the terrible cut , and the Swallow tail●… slash .

To leaue daliance and come to the matter . I will informe you what policies haue béene practised since the books of Conicatching were set forth . These Batfowlers or Conicatchers hauing lost a collo●… of their liuing , by communicating their secrets with babling companions , haue now inuented a newe tricke to fetch in the pence . They disguise themselues like Apparitors or Sumners , and come to a young Gentleman , Merchant , or old pinchcrust , as it maie fall out , that hath gotten a maid , a mans daughter , or this widdow or ordinarie woman with child , or at least haue béene more neere with them then they should : and them they threaten with processe , citations , the whip , or the white sheete at least , vntill they come to composition . The timorous soules fearing to be made a by-word of shame to the whole Citie , bribe them with all that euer they can rap and rend , to holde their peace , and saue their honestie . They will vrge the strictnesse of their oath , and the danger of the law in such cases of concealement , vntill they can sée them come off roundly : then they will hamme and han●…ke , and safe they are not euery bodie , and so take their mony , and returne laughing in their sléeues , to thinke how they cosoned them .

Within short time after they send another of their copesmates after the same sort , and he giues them the like pluck . And 〈◊〉 two or thrée one after the other , shall neuer leaue a●…licting his ghost , till they haue made him as bare as a birds taile , so as he hath not one pennie more to saue him from hanging , if néede were . A monstrons abuse of authoritie , and hindrance to the courts of Justice , that haue-the ouersight of such offences .

Other there be that do nothing but ride vp and downe the countrie , like yong merchants a wooing , and they will marrie euerie moneth a new wife , & then fleece-her of all she hath , that done run away , and learne where another ●…ich widow dwelleth , and serue her after the same sort : so rounding England , til they haue pickt vp their crummes , and got enough to maintaine them all their life after .

But excéeding all these are the fine sleights of our Italian humourists , who being men for all companies , will by once conuersing with a man so draw him to them , that he shall thinke nothing in the world too deare for them , nor once be able to part them , vntill they haue spent all 〈◊〉 haue on them .

If he be lasciuiously addicted they haue Aretines Tables at his fingers ends , to féede him on with new kinde of filthinesse : they will come in with Rowse the French painter , and shew what an vnlawfull vainehe had in ba●…drie : not a whore nor a queane about the towne but they knowe , and can tell her markes , and where , and with whom shée hosts .

If they sée you couetously bent , they will discourse wonders of the Philosophers stone , and make you beléeue they can make gold of goose-grease , only you must be at some two or thrée hundred pound charge , or such a small trifle , to helpe to set vp their stilles , and then you néede not care where you beg your bread : for they will make you do little better , if you follow their prescriptions .

Discourse with them of countries , they wi●… set you on fire with tra●…elling : yea what place is it they will not sweare they hau●… béene in , and I warrant you tell such 〈◊〉 sound tale , as if it were all Gospell they spake . Not a corner in Fraunce but they can describe . Uenice , ●…y ? It is nothing , for they haue intelligence of it euerie houre , and at euerie word will come in wi●… Siado Curtizano , tell you such miracles of Madame Padilia and Romana Impia , that you will be mad till you be out of England : & if he sée you are caught with this baite he will make as though he will leaue you , and faine businesse about the Court , or that such a Noble man sent for him , when you will rather consent to robbe all your friends then bee seuered from him one houre . If you request his companie to traueile , he will say , In faith I cannot tell , I would sooner spend my life in your companie , then in anie mans in England . But at this time I am not so prouided of monie as I would : therfore I can make no promise : and if a man should aduenture vpon such a iourney without money , it were miserable and base , and no man will care for vs . 〈◊〉 monie say you ( like a liberall young maister ) take no care for that , for I haue so much land , and I will sell it , my credit●… is worth so much , and I will vse it . I haue the kéeping of a Cosens chamber of mine , which is an old counsellour , and he this vacation time is gone downe into the countrie , we will breake vp his studie , rifle his chestes , diue into the bottome of his bagges , but we will haue to serue our turne , rather then saile we will sell his bookes , pawne his bedding & hangings , and make riddance of all his household stuffe to set vs packing . To this he listens a little , and saith , These are some hopes yet , but if he should goe with you , and you haue monie , and he none , you will dominéere ouer him at your pleasure , & then he were wel set vp to leaue such possibilities in England , & be made a slaue in another countrie . With that you offer to part halfes with him , or put al into his custody , before he should think you meant otherwise then wel with him . He takes you at your offer , and promiseth to husband it so for you , that you shall spend with the best , and yet not wast halfe so much as you do . Which makes you ( meaning simplie ) to put him in trust , and giue him the purse . Then all a boone voyage into the lowe Countries you trudge , and so traueile vp into Italy , but per varios casus , & tot discrimina rerum , in a towne of garrison he leaues you , runnes awaie with your monie , and makes you glad to betake your selfe to pro●…ant and become a Gentleman of a companie . If he feare you will make after him he will change his name : and i●… there be anie Gentleman or other in the countrie , he will borrow his name and creepe into his kinred , or it shall cost him a fall , and make him paie swéetly for it in the end , if he take not the better heed . Thus will he be sure to haue one Asse or other a foote to kéepe himselfe in pleasing .

There is no Arte but he will haue a superficiall sight into , and put downe euerie man with talke : and when he hath vttred the most he can , make men b●…ue 〈◊〉 knowes ten times more then he will put into their heads , which are secrets not to be made common to euerie one .

He will perswade you he hath twentie rece●…s of loue powders , that he can frame a ring with such a deuise , that if a wench put it on her finger she shal not choose but follow you vp and downe she streetes .

If you haue an enemy that you would be 〈◊〉 rid of , he wi●… teach you to poison him with your verie lookes : to stand on the top of Poules with a burn●…g glasse in your h●…nd , and cast the same with such a force on a mans face that walkes vnder , that it shall ●…rike him stark dead , more violently then lightning .

To fill a letter full of néedles , which shall be laid after such a mathematical order , that when he opens it , to whom it is sent , they shall spring vp and ●…ie into his bodie forcibly , as if they had béene blowne vp with gunpowder , or sent from a Ca●…uers mouth like small shot .

To conclude , he will haue such probable reasons to procure beléefe to his lies , such a smooth tongue to deliuer them , and set them forth with such a grace , that he should be a verie wise man did not swallow the Gudgin at his hands .

In this sort haue I knowne sundrie young Gentlemen of England trained forth to their owne destruction , which makes me the more willing to publish this discourse , the better to forewarne other of such Batfowling companions ; as also for the rooting out of these insinuating moth-wormes that eate men out of their substance vnseene , and are the decaie of the forwardest Gentlemen and best wits .

How manis haue we about London , the to the disgrace of Gentlemen liue gentleman like of themselues hauing neither mony nor land , nor any lawful means to maintain them , some by play , and then they go a mumming into the countrie all the Christmas time with false dice , or if there be anie place where Gentlemen or merchants frequent in the Citis , or anie towne corporate , thither will they , either disguised like to yong merchants , or substantiall Citizens , and draw them all drie that euer dealt with them .

There are some that doe nothing but walke vp and downe Paules , or come to shops to buy wares , with budgets of writings vnder their armes : and these will vrge talke with anie man about their sutes in law , and discourse vnto them how these and these mens bands they haue for money , that are the chiefest dealers in London , Norwich , Bristow , and such like places , and complaine that they can not get one pennie . Why , if such a one ●…oth owe it you ( saith some man that knowes him ) I durst buy the debt of you , let me get it of him as I can . O saith my budgetman , I haue his hand and seale to shewe , looke héere els : and with that pluckes out a counterfeit band ( as all other his writings are ) and reades it to him . Whereupon for halfe in halfe they presently compound , and after that hee hath that ten pounds paid him for his band of twentie besides the forfeiture , or so forth , he sayes , Faith these Lawyers drinke me as drie as a sieue , and I haue mony to pay at such a daie , and I doubt I shall not be able to compasse it : here are all the leases and euidences of my land lying in such a shire , I would you would lend me fortie pounds on them till the ne●…t tearme , or for some sixe moneths , and then either it shall be repayd with interest , or I will forfeit my whole inheritance , which is better worth then a hundred marks a yeare .

The wealthie retailer , citizen , merchant , Gentleman or young nouice that hath store of crownes lying by him , gréedy of such a bargaine , thinking perhaps by one clause or other to defeat him of all he hath , lends him the mony , and takes a faire statute merchant of his lands before a Iudge , but when all comes to all , he hath no more land in England then seuen foote in the Church yard , neither is his inheritance either in Posse or Esse , then a paire of gallowes in a gréene field , nor do anie such occupiers knowe him , much lesse owe him anie money , whereby the couetous person is cheated fortie or fiftie pounds thick at one clap .

Not vnlike to these are they , that comming to Ordinaries about the Exchange where Merchants do table for the most part , will saie they haue two or thrée ships of coales late come from Newcastle , and wish they could light on a good chapman that would deale for them altogether . What is your price , saith one ? What 's your price , saith another ? He holds them at the first at a very high rate , and sets a good face on it , as though he had such traffique indéed , but afterward comes downe so low , that euerie man striues ●…o shall giue him earnest first : and ere he be aware , he hath fortie sh●…ings clapt into his hand , to assure the bargaine to some one of them . He puts it vnquietly , and b●…ds them inquire for him at such a signe and place , where he neuer came , signifying also his name , when in troth he is but a cosoning companion , and no such man to be found . Thus goes he cleare awaie with fortie shillings in his purse for nothing , and they vnlike euer to sée him againe .

There is a certain kind of cosonage called horsecoursing , which is when a man goes to the Cariers of Cambridge , Oxford , Burie or Norwich , or anie great towne of trade , and hires a horse to ride downe with them , as these odde companions wi●… doe : and what doth me he , but as soone as he hath him , ●…eps aside into some blind towne or other , and there lies till he haue eaten him out lim by lim in wine and capons , and then when he can get no more on him , he sends 〈◊〉 Carier word where he is ; who in the end is faine to pay some fiftie shillings or three pounds for his ●…uals that hired him ere he can haue him . ●…ochester hackney-men do knowe what belongs to this trade , for they haue béene often times ●…ced by these ranke riders , who comming to a towne with a cloke-bag of stones caried after them , as if they were men of some worth , hire a horse to Canterburie , and ride quite away with him .

There be certaine mates called Faunguesis , who if they can find a fit Anui●… to strike on , will learne what acquaintance he hath in the countrie , and then they will come to him , and say , I am to doe commendations to you from a friend of yours , and he gaue me this bowed sixe pence to drinke a quart of wine with you for his sake : and if he goe to the tauerne , they ●…ill not onely make him paie for the wine , but for all he drinks in besides .

●…o was one in Aldergate-stréete lately serued , who drawne to the tauerne after such a like order called for a pinte of wine , the drawer brought it him , and a goblet with it , and set them both on the table , and went his way : ●…hie , quoth this Fawneguest , what a ●…let hath the fellow brought vs here , it wil not hold halfe 〈◊〉 draught ? So ho ( quoth he ) no attendance giuen here ? ●…e carie it to him my selfe , since no body will come : for of all things I loue not to drinke in these squirting cups , so downe the staires , forth of the doores he goes with the goblet vnder his cloake , and left his newe acquaintance and small remembrance to paie thrée pound for a thrée-penie shot .

Such Fawneguests were they , that méeting a prentise , who had béene to receiue a hundred pound for his master , sodainly in the middest of Cheapside in the daie time , and open market stept to him , as if they had bin familiarly acquainted with him , and sodainly cast the hinder skirt of his cloake ouer his face , making as though they had 〈◊〉 with him , and séeming to ●…ust their cold hands in his necke , one of them thratled him so sore by the wind-pipe , that he could make no noise , but sovainly sunke to the ground mu●…ed in his cloke , while the other took from him the bagge with the money which he had vnder his arme , which done , they ranne away laughing , as if that the déede were done in ●…est .

Soone after the market folks and people passing by to & fro perceiuing the youth lie still on the ground & not stir vp , stepped to him , and séeing in what state he was , rubbed and chafed him , and gaue him Aqua vitae , so that soone after he came againe to himself : then looking about him , & séeing the people so gathered together , he cried vnto them , O , where 's my money ! They wondring to heare him talke of mony , told him both how his companions left him , and they found him , whereby the people knowing how he was deceiued , made a●…er them , but they were neuer heard of till this day .

But these are Gentlemen Batfowlers in comparison of the common rablement of Cutpurses and pickpockets , and no man that sées them but would imagine them to be Caualiers of verie good sort . Marie there be a band of more néedy mates , called Terme●…s , who trauell all the yeere from ●…aire to faire , and haue great doing in Westminster hall . These are the Nips and Foists ; whereof the first part of Conicatching entreateth , and these haue their cloyers and followers , which are verie troublesome to them , for they can no sooner draw a bung but these come in for their tenths , which they generally tearm snapping , or snappage .

Now if the Cutpurse denie snappage , his cloyer or follower forthwith boyles him , that is , bewrayes hi●… , or seazeth on h●…s cloake , which the Nip dares not withstand , so Richard Farrie a notable Lift of sixtie yeares of age was serued , who beeing dogged or followed by a Cloyer called Iohn Gibson , who hauing séene him pierce 〈◊〉 hogshed in the beginning of a faire challenged him for snappage : which old Farrie denied , because Gibsons wife ( as hee then said ) was a pickpocket , and yet would part w●…th nothing . Then did Gibson sweare that he shuld not buy one peniworth of ware that day ( which is the right cutpurse ●…ase of getting a purchase ) and thereupon he shadowed him vp and downe , and mard his market quite , as hee had before promised .

In reuenge whereof the said Richard Farrie at Wayhill faire last , hearing where Gibson had p●…osned a purse with thirtéene nobles in it , sent alustie ●…ellow of his prosession , a yoong dealer in the arte of cloying or following named Iames Roades , that was since hanged at Dorchester , who being apparelled like a seruingman , came to demaund his mistresse purse of Gibson , which he said he saw him vnlawfully take awaie , as if indéed he had béene the Gentlewomans man that had the gléeke . Which Gibson at the first vtterly denied , but afterward being further threatned with danger of his life , yeelded the purchase vnto Roades , which was immediatelie shared betw●…ne him and old Farrie .

This thing s●…ne after came to Gibsons eare , who was throughly laughed to scorne for his labour .

Manie there be of these wicked persons , and also lew●… Officers who like shadowes or cloyers , do nothing all day long but follow the Lifts vp and downe , pinc●…ing them for snappage : and not one of them that hath the right dexteritis in his ●…ngers , but they know , & will conceale and patronize if néede requir●… . Marie , if ther●… be a 〈◊〉 , that hath not made hims●…lfe knowne to their congregation , hée shall soone be smelt out , and haue no remission , unl●…●…ée purchase it by 〈◊〉〈◊〉 .

These Cutpurses of Sturbridge sell their lugg●…ge commonly at a towne called Bot●…am , where they kéepe their hall at an odde house , bowzing and quaffing , and ha●… their tr●●es attendant vpon them so 〈◊〉 as may be .

How a Cheesemonger had his bag cut out of his Apo●●● hanging before him .

AT this ●a●e it was , thougt long 〈◊〉 that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 monger had h●● pocket cut out of his apo●●● , 〈◊〉 all the whole Colledge of Cutpurses had assayed , which none but one could bring to passe , and he indéed was a doctor in his arte : for going to the Chéesemongers boothe to buy a chéese , he gaue him monie for one of the greatest , and desired him to cut it in péeces , and put it behind him in the cape of his cloake . He did so , and the 〈◊〉 he was thrusting it in , hee cut his rocket with twelue pounds out of his apron before him : for which dred●… he liueth reno●…ed in the Cutpurse chronicles , 〈◊〉 for his sake they yearely make a feast , and drinke to the soule of his deceased carkasse .

There be diuers sorts of Nips and Foysts both of the citie ●…d countrie : these cannot one abide the other , but are at deadly hatred , and will boyle and discouer one another , by reason one is hindrance to the other . And these the former bookes haue omitted . There are also sundrie other Lawes , not heretofore spoken of , namely Iames Fosters Law , or Iames Fosters Li●… : which grewe thus .

How a cosoning Life stole a cloake out of a Scriuenersshop .

THis fellow came into a Scriueners shop to haue a letter wr●…ten to his wiues mother , signifying that his wife was run ●…waie with another knaue , and had 〈◊〉 awaie all that he had , and that he had rather be hanged then be troubled anie longer with such a whore . But it must ●…be written in haste , for his owne father doth carie it , and he goes awaie straight . All the while he is telling his tale , he cast a l●…ing ●…ye about the shop , to see if there 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a cloake vpon a by-settle , or 〈◊〉 other 〈◊〉 that he might transport vnséene vnder his owne cloak . By chance 〈◊〉 espied one , so he lea●… against the wall where it lay , and with his hands behind him , he gathered it vp cleanly by little and little : ●…en sodainly starting vp , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 my father that would carie it , and I will 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 he with all spéed , hauing the cloake vnder his arme , crying , Ho father , father , leauing the Scriuener yet writing his letter , who mist not his cloake till a great while after , that he saw him not returne againe .

There is a cunninger kind of List , when a Batfowler walking in an euening in the stréetes , will faine he hath let fall a ring or a Iewell , and come to a shop well furnished with wares , and desire the prentise of the house to lend his candle to looke it : he suspecteth no guile , lends it him : and the Batfowler goes poaring vp and downe by the doores , as if he had lost something in déed , by and by he lets the candle fal to and it goes out . Now I pray you good yong man , saith he , do so much as light me this candle againe : so goes the fellow in to light the candle , while hee steales what he will out of the shop , and gets him going while the light commeth .

There is a Lift called Will . St. Lift , whose maner is to go vp and downe to Faires in a blew coate , sometimes in his doublet and hose , and sometimes in a cloake , which commonly he puts off when he comes thither : this fellow waiteth diligently when any rich yeoman , Gentleman , or gentlewoman goes into an Inne to laie vp his cloak , capcase , sauegard , Portmantua or any other luggage , so following them , marks to whom they are deliuered : then comes he within halfe an houre after puffing and blowing for the cloake , capcase , portmantua , sword , or such like , and in his maisters name demandeth it , giuing the wife , maid , tapster , hostler , or some of the house two pence or a groate for laying it vp . Which hauing receiued , he is soone gone , and neuer returneth . This fellow will sometime stand bareheaded , and offer to hold a Gentlemans stirop , and verie diligently attend vpon him when he alighteth at anie great Inne , and séemeth so seruiceable , as if he were an hostler or chamberlaine belonging to the house : yea and sometimes follow him out of doores as his man , and attend vpon him to the Faire very orderly : within halfe an houre after , when he sées his new maister is so bu●…e in the Faire , that he cannot hastily returne to his lodging before him , he will come backe to the Inne running , and tell them his Maister hath sent him to them for his clokebag or Portmantua in all haste : for he is vpon paiment of money , and must néeds haue it . They thinking him verllie to be the Gentlemans man , because at his comming he was so necessarie about him , they deliuer vnto him whatsoeuer the Gentleman left with them , who notwithstanding when the true owner commeth , they are ●…aine to answer it out of their owne purses .

A slie tricke of Cosonage lately done in Cheapeside .

BEsides this , there is a kind of Lift called Chopchain , as when a Gentleman like a batfowler hath hired a chain for a day or two vpon his credit , or hath some of his friends bound for the restoring of it againe , goes to S. Martines , and buyes for a little money another copper chaine , as like it as ma●…e be : then comes he to the Goldsmith , and vpon the right chaine offers to borrow twentie pounds : the Goldsmi●… toucheth it to sée if it be counterfeit or no : ●…en finding it good , he tendereth him his money : which the 〈◊〉 he is doing , and that both money and chaine lies yet vpon the 〈◊〉 , what doth me 〈◊〉 , but ●…mbles and plaies with the linkes carelesly , as if he minded another matter , so by a fine tricke of Legerde maine gathers it vp into his hand & chops the copper chaine in place , leauing him that pawne for his twentie pounds .

How a man was cosoned in the euening by buying a guilt spoone .

WHilest I was writing this , I was giuen to vnderstand of another like exploit nothing 〈◊〉 to any of the former . A fellowe like a clowne that knew all points in his tables , and had béene maister of his trade manie yeares together , walking through Siluer stréete in London suddenly in the dark spurned a faire gilt spoone ( as it séemed ) being wrapt vp in a paper , which before he purposely let fall : the people thinking some other had lost it , and that it had béene his good luck aboue the rest to find it , gan to flocke about him for to looke on it , and admired his fortune in méeting with it , hee counterfeiting the simple foole as well as he could : Now a Gods will what shall I do with such a Gugaw ? would some other bodie had found it for me , for I know not what it is good for . Why , said one of the standers by , wilt thou take money for it ? I , quoth he , I would I had a crowne for it . And I will come somwhat néere you , saith the other , for thou shalt haue all the money in my purse , which is foure shillings , so forth he drewe his purse , and gaue him the money . And verie well content with the bargaiue , he put it vp , and said I marie , this money will doe me more good then twentie spoones , and let them kéepe such toies that list , for I had rather haue one groat in my purse then a cart loade of such trumperie . So away he went laughing in hi●… sléeue , to thinke how he had cosoned him that thought to ouer-reach him : & he that was so cosoned , as it were triumphing at his bargaine , could neuer looke enough on the spoone , but went presently and caried it to the Goldsmith , to know what it was worth . Birlady sir when he came thither , the spoone was found to be but brasse faire gilded ouer , and worth but seuen pence at the : most , if he should sell it , which was a heauie cooling card to his heart , and made him sweare , that for that spoones sake he would neuer be in his plate againe while he liued .

Thus euerie daie they haue new inuentions for their villanies , and as often as fashions alter , so often do they alter their stratagems , studying as much how to compasse a poore mans purse , as the Prince of Parma did to win a towne . Neither is this ●…neselling the gainfullest of their artes , although in one day they made away a dozen so . I but it is a tricke by the waie for a supper or a breakefas●… fast , which no man at the first can descrie . Ouerpassing this catalogue of Lifts and Cutpurses , Gentlemen , I will acquaint you with a strange newe deuised arte of stone-carying , wherein is contained the right vse of the chalke and the poast , as also a necessarie caue ate for victuallers and nickpots , how to beware of such insinuating companions .

The Arte of carying stones .

FIrst and foremost you must note , that leauing an Alewife in the lurch , is termed making her carie stones , ●…ich stones be those great Oes in chalke that stand behind the doore : the weight of euerie one of which is so great that as manie ●…hillings as there be , so many times shée cries O , as groning vnder the waight thereof . Now sir , of these Oes twentie shillings make a lust loade , and tenne pound a bargeful . But here lies the cunning , how to compasse an honest A●…e that will vndertake such a burthen : first this is a generall precept amongst them , that he must be some odde drunken companion that they deale vpon , and his wife a good wench , that so she may bee fallen in wi●… , and wipe off her guests scores , if so he haue no monie to discharge it : a thing that manie women of that kind will willingly do to haue sport and saue their honestie . Yet if this cannot conueniently be brought to passe , or that in , respect of her age she is not worth the taking vp , then will they be sure their goodman hoast must be a certaine kind of bawd , or a receiuer of cutpurses , pickpockets , or such like , whereby it so fals out , that if he and they square about crownes , they may stop his mouth with threatning to betraie him to the Beadle of Bridewell , or telling Hind of ●…ewgate what hospitalitie he kéepes . Nay further , they will obserue if he a●… anie time raile against ante seuere Iustice that hath the punishment of such notorious persons , and if he do ( as in some drunken humour or other he will ouershoote himselfe in that kind ) then will they conceale it , neuer disccoer it , but do●…néere ouer them , thro●… the pots against the wall , for he and his house is forfeit vnto them . Againe , it maie so happen that hospes meus maie be an old seruingman , who hath belonged in his daies to some famous recusant that hath long since broke vp house , and now being turned out of seruice , he hath no trade to liue on , but must marie a whore , and kéepe victualling ●…ither in Westminster , or in the suburbs of London . Then co●… a hoope , they are better then euer they were . For if he be of the right stampe he will be exclaiming against the state , or those that héepe his maister , or he will enter into commendations of the old Religion : and this is the onely thing they desire , th●…y neuer wish a finer fellow to féed on . A Gods name let him set forth his béefe and brewes , and trudge euerie day to the market to buy Capons & rabbets : for if they run neuer so much in his debt , if they tell him of a purseuant , he will neuer threaten them with a sergeant . A number more of these obseruations do appertaine to stone carying , as namely at their first comming to th●…ir lodging they bee as frée as an Emperour , and draw all the acquaintance that they can procure to spend their money there before another place , so that the host and hostesse may conceiue great matter of hope of hauing their house customed by their lying in it , and eate no meat but haue either the good man or the good wife still with him at dinner or supper , which will plucke the stones on his shoulders the faster , if so he suffer his guests to run on the score . And this in anie case they set downe for a generall rule , that they lie not aboue two moneths in one place , for longer the alescore is not able to hold out , and the poore man ouerpressed so excessiuely , in a malecontent humour will rather grow desperate , and not care for anie danger they can bring him to , then suffer more then flesh and bloud can endure , or not rather haue his will on them for vsing him so badly .

How say you my maisters , you thinke there is no deceit in a pot of ale , and that there are no cosoners but Conicatchers , but that 's not so , for London is a lickpenis , and euerie man hath not a mint in his pocket ●…at lines in it , some must practise witcraft , that ha●…e not the gift in kéeping a lanes end with a sword and a buckler , or at the least are so crazed with the Italian bone-ache , that they ar●… afraid to bee crusht in péeces , if they should earne their liuing in a crowde . But to be briefe , I will tell you a n●…rie storie how this name of Stone-carying first came vp , and thus it followeth .

How a Carier of Norwich was made to carie stones .

A Gentlewoman that made a shew as if she had béene of good credit , came to the carier of Norwich , and told him shee was to remoue houshold , and went to dwell in the countrie , wherfore she craued his friendship in safe transporting of her things to Norwich : & so it is ( quoth she ) that most of my substance consists in linnen , money , Iewels , and plate , which I put altogether in a great chest , which she brought thither : As for other trash I le neuer trouble my selfe wish remouing . I pray you haue a great care to it that it bee safely laid in the middest of your cart , wher●… théeues maie not easily come at it , 〈◊〉 that it be kept from raine or wet in anie case , promising to content him for the cariage with more then ordinarie 〈◊〉 . After it was séene to come to thrée hundred weight , be laid it vp immediately in his carte , nor would she depart till she saw it safe packed . About an houre after she came to the carier again , telling him that she was afraid she should be constrained to haue recourse to her chest , by reason she had a few trifles to buy ere she departed , ●…d that she wanted som●…●…ue or sixe pound . The Carier loa●… to vnload for so small a matter , bid her take no care for money , for what she néeded she should haue of him , till she came downe into the co●…ntrey . So fire pounds 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 with him she goes with her man as 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 be . But comming to 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ●…er no more : Home went the Carier , and laid vp the chest verie safe in his storehouse , daily looking when the Gentlewoman would come for it . After a moneth was past , and hearing no words of her , fearing he was co●…en , he sent for the Constable and sundrie other of his neighbours , and before them brake vp the chest , finding nothing in it but small soft fréestone lapped in straw , mixt wi●… Flints and such like stuffe , beeing very speciall things to giue the Carier his loading . Alas , kind man , this was but heauie tidings for him : for besides the money that he had laid out of his purse , he lost the cariage of other luggage , which would haue returned him greater profit . Yet could not this nor ten times as much vndoe him , but setting light of it , in a merie humour he reported to some of his friends the circumstance of all his cariage of stones . And euer since the iest hath beene taken vp by odde companions and Ale-knights .

I would bee loth by this my publisht Discoueri●… to corrupt the simple , or teach them knauerie by my book , that els would haue béene honest , if they had neuer séene them : for that were all one as if a Chirurgion that teacheth men what the plague is , that they might eschew it , should bring his patient that hath a plague sore , into the market place , and there lance it , whereby all men that looke on , in stéed of learning to auoid it , should be most dangerously infected with it . But my meaning in this is , but to chase the game which others haue rowsed ; and execute them outright whi●… Conicatching only hath branded : and although I do not spend manie leaués in inueighing against the vices which I reckon vp , or time and paper in vrging their o●…ousnesse so far as I might : yet you must not thinke , but I hate them as ●…dly as any , and to make manifest my hatred to them , haue vnderlooke this Treatise . But imagine the Reader to be of this wisdome and discretion , that hearing some laid open , he can discerne it to be sinne , and can so detest it , though he be not cloid with a common place of exhortation . And sooth to say , I thinke euery man to bee of my mind , that when they sée a fellow leape from the subiect he is handling , to disswade them by stale arguments from the thing they alreadie detest , they should skip it ouer , and neuer reade it , ga●…cope him at the next turning point to his text .

To dismisse this parenth●…sis and returne to circa quod . I care not since this occasion of Stone-carying hath brought me from talking of the cosonage of men to the trea●…erous sub●…ie of women if I rehearse you a tale or two ●…ore of Cr●…ngs lately ●…one by such detestable strumpets .

A Tale of a whore that crosbit a Gentleman of the Innesof Court .

A Certaine queane belonging to a close Nunnerie about Clarkenwell , lighting in the company of a yong Punie of the Innes of Court , trained him home with her to her hospitall : and there couenanting for so much to giue ●…im his ●…seroome all night . To bed they went together like man and wife . At midnight a crue of her copelmates kept a knocking and busling at the doore . She starting sodainly out of her sléepe , arose and went to the window to looke out : wherewith she crying out to him , said , that a Justice was at the doore with a companie of billes , and came to search for a seminarie Priest , and that there was no remedie but she must open vnto them : wherefore either he must rise and locke himselfe in a studie that was hard by , or they should be both caried to Bridewell . The poore silly youth in a trance , as one new start out of sléep , and that knew not where he was , suffered her to leade him whither she would , who hastily thrust him into th●… studie , and there locked him , and went to let them in . Then entred Sim Swashbuckler , Captaine Gogswounds , and Lawrence Longsword-man , with their appurtenances , made inquirie as if they had béene Officers indéed , for a young Seminarie Priest that should be lodged there that She simpered it , and made curtesie , & spake reuerently vnto them , as if she had neuer seene them before , and that they had beene such as they séemed , and told them she know of none such , and that none lay there but her selfe . 〈◊〉 that through signes that shee made , they spied where his clothes were fallen downe betwéene the chest and the wall : Then they began to raile vpon her , and call her a thous●…nde whoores , saying they would make her an example , I mary would they , and vse her like an Infidell for her iying , nor would they stand searching any longer , but shee should be constrained to bring him forth : And that they might bee sure he should not start , they would carie away his clothes with them . As for the closet , because it was a Gentlemans out of the towne , they would not rashly breake it open , but they would set watch and ward about the house till the morning , by which time they would resolue further what to do . So out of doores go they with his clothes , doublet , ●…ose , hat , rapier , dagger , shooes , stockings , and twentie marks that he had in his sléeue , which he was to pay vpon a band the next day for his father , to a merchant in Canning str●…te , and le●… Nicholas Nouice staruing and quaking in that doghole . The morning grew on , and yet she yong 〈◊〉 , though he was almost frozen to death , stood still and durst not stirre , till at length the good wise of the house came and let him out , and bad him shift for himselfe , for the house was so 〈◊〉 , that it was not possible for him to escape , 〈◊〉 that she was vtterly vndone through his comming thither . Aster manie words it grew to this vpshot ; that he must g●…ue her a ring worth thirtie shillings , which he then had on his ●…nger , onely to helpe him out at a backe doore , and in so doing she would lend him a blanket to cast about him . Which béeing perfourmed , like an Irish begger he departed on the backeside of the fieldes to his chamber , vowing neuer to pay so déere for one nights lodging during his life .

How a Curbar was drest with an vnsauourie perfume , and how a notable whore was crosbitten in her owne practise .

A Notable whoore of late daies compact with a hooker , ●…om conicatching English cals Curbar , bargained with a countrie Gentleman or Tearmer aforesaid , to tell her tales in her eare all night : & according to appointment he did so . The Gentleman hauing ●…pt , and readie to go to bed , she willed him to lay his clothes in the windowe , for ( quoth she ) we are so troubled with rats in this place ( which was in Peticote lane ) that wee cannot lay any thing out of our hands , but they will in one night be gnawne to péeces , and made worth nothing : but her intent was this , that the Curbar with his crome might the more Conueniently reach them ; not that she cared so much for his apparell , as for his purse , which she knew was we●… stored wi●… crownes , and lay in the sleeue of his doublet : whereupon he was ruled by her , and so entred the lists . Within two houres after , he beeing sore troubled with a laske , rose vp and made a double vse of his chamberpot , which going to throw it out at the window , he remoued the clothes from before it , and set it in the place till he had opened the casement . At that instant the spring of the window leapt open of the one accord . Whereat being amazed , he ●…ept backe with a trice , leauing the chamberpot standing still : ●…en fearing the diuell had béene át hand , by and by he spied 〈◊〉 faire iron instrument like a nut came marching in at the window verie solemnly , which in stéede of the doublet and the hose that he ferretted for , arrested that homely seruice in the member vessell , and pluckt goodman Jordan with all his contents down pat vpon the Corbars head and shoul●…ders . Neuer was gentle Angler so drest : for his face , his necke and apparell were all besmeared with the soft Sir-reuerence , so that I warrant you hee stunke worse then a Jakes-farmer . The Gentleman hearing one crie out , and séeing his messe altogether thus strongly taken away , began to gather courage to him , and looked out to sée what it was : where , to his no small contentment hee might behold the Curbar lying along almost brained , almost drowned , and well neere poisoned with the tragicall euent of the pispot : whereat he laughed merily , and suspecting his Leman to haue a share in that conspiracy , and that for ten pounds it was her motion to haue him l●…e his clothes in the windowe , to the end he might haue lost them and his money , she being a sléepe in the bed all this while , he quietly remoued his owne apparell , tooke her gowne and peticoat and laid them in the steed . Forthwith the Curbar reuiued , in came the hooke againe verie manerlie , and clapt hold on those parcels , which together went downe with a witnesse . All which consorting to his wish , he went round to bed , and in the morning stole awaie early , neither paying da●…e Lecherie for her hire , nor leauing her one ragge to put on .

Here was wilie beguily rightly acted , & an aged Rampalion put besides her schoole-trickes . But simply , these Crosbiters are necessarie instruments now and then to ta●…e such wanton youths , as will not let a maid or a wife passe a long the stréetes but they will be medling with her : what they do they learne of the tumbler , who lies squat in the brakes till the Conie be come forth out of her burrow , and gone a gossipping ouer the way to her next neighbors , & then he goes betwéen her and home , and as she returneth with two or thr●… , fleshly minded Rabbets or Simplers with them , with whom it maie be she hath made a bargain to go a bucking , then out●…ies the tumbler like the crosbiter & seazeth on them all for his praie . I maruell that the book of Conicatching had not him vp in his table , since by his first example he corrupted the Christian people . But you will say , he is animal irrationale , and therefore to be borne withall , because he doth but his kind . Kind me no kind , there is more knauerie in Cauilier Canis then you are aware of , as you shall perceiue by his discourse following .

A notable Scholerlike discourse vpon the nature of Dogges .

NOw Gentlemen , will you giue me leaue to dallie a little for your further recreation , & I will proue vnto you that a dogge is a dangerous man , and not to be dealt withall : yea he is such a kind of creature that he may well be master and gouernour ouer all ordinary beasts : for first and formost , there is no man of experience that will denie but dogs do excell in outward sence , for they will smell better then we , and therby hunt the game when they sée it not . Besides , they get the fight of it better then we , and are wonderfull quicke of hearing . But let vs come to speech , which is either inward or outward . Now that they haue outward spéech I make no question , although we cannot vnderstand them , for they bark as good old Saron as may be ; yea they haue it in more daintie maner than we , for they haue one kind of voice in the chase , and another when they are beaten , and another when they fight . That they haue the inward spéech of mind , which is chiefly conuersant in those things which agrée with our nature , or are most against it , in knowing those things which stand vs most in steed , & attaining those vertues which belong to our proper life , and are m●…st conuersant in our affections , thus I proue ; first and formost he chooseth those things that are commodious vnto him , and shunneth the contrarie : He knoweth what is good for his diet , and seeketh about for it . At the sight of a whip he ranneth away like a theef from a hue and crie . Neither is he an idle fellow that liues like a tren●her Flie vpon the sweat of other mens browes , but hath naturallie a trade to get his liuing by , as namely the arte of hunting and Conicatching , which these late books go about to discredit . Yea , there be of them as of men of all occupations , some Cariers , and they will fetch ; some watermen , and they will diue and swim when you bid them ; some butchers , and they will kill shéepe ; some cookes , and they turne the spit . Neither are they void of vertue , for if that be Justice that giues euery one his deserts , out of doubt dog●… are not desttrute of it : for they fawne vpon their familiar friends and acquaintance ; they defend those from danger that haue deserued well of them , and reuenge them of strangers , and such as either haue , or go about to do them iniurie . Then if they haue Justice , they haue all the vertues , since this is an Axioma in Philosophy , that one vertue cannot be separated from another .

Further , we see they are full of magnanimitie , in incountring their enemies . They are wise , as Homer witnesseth , who entreating of the returne of Vlysles to his owne house , affirmeth that all his houshold had forgotten him but his dogge Argus , and him neither could Pallas by her s●…btill arte deceiue in the alteration of his body , nor his twentie yeares absence in his beggers wéeds delude anie whit , but he stil retained his forme in his fantasie , which as it appeared was better then any mans of that time .

According to Chrysippus , they are not ignorant of that excellent facultie of Logicke , for he saith that a dogge by canuasing and study doth obtaine the knowledge to distinguish betwéene thrée seuerall things , as for example , where three 〈◊〉 méete , and of these thrée hath staid at two of them , by which he perceiueth the game hath not gone , presently without more adoe hee runneth violently on the third wa●…e : which doth argue ( saith Chrysippus ) as if hee should reason thus . Either hee went this way , or that way , or yonder waie : but neither that waie , nor yonder waie , therefore this way . Againe , when they are sicke , they knowe what disease they haue , and deuise howe they may ease themselues of their griefe ; if one strike them into the flesh with a stake , this policy they vse to get it out . They traile one of their feet vpon 〈◊〉 ground , and gnaweth the flesh where the wound is round about with their téeth , vntill they haue drawne it cleane out . If they chaunce to haue anie vlcer , because vlcers kept foute are hardlie cured , they licke the sore with their tongues , and keepe it cleane . And wonderfull well doe they obserue the precept of Hippocrates that the onel●…e medicine for the fo●…e is to rest , for if they haue an●…e hurt in their feete , they beare them vp , and as much as lies in them , take care they be not stirred : when vnprofitable humours trouble them , they eate an hearbe , whereby they vomite vp all ●…hat is offensiue vnto them , and so recouers their health againe . How thinke you my masters , are these vnreasonable creatures , that haue all this naturall reason in them ? No , though they are beasts , yet are they not as other are , inhumane : for they haue more humanitie then any other beasts whatsoeuer . But of them I haue said enough , & therfore I will proceede to my former argument : wherein for your better delight , I will acquaint you with a true storie ●…atelte performeo in Poules Church by a couple of Cutpurses . The matter was of such truth , as I could for neede set downe the Gentlemans name , and also the names of all the actors therein , but I craue pardon , because the Gentleman was of good place and credit , and for more assurance my selfe was present : the whole matter fell out as followeth .

How a Countrie Gentleman walking in Poules had his purse cut by a new kind of conueyance , and in the end by the like wilie beguily got it againe .

ACountrie Gentleman of some credite walking in Powles , as tearmers are wont that wait on their lawyers , was seene by a couple of light ●…ngred companions , that had got some gentlemanship vpon them by priu●…e biting in the dark , to haue some store of crownes in his purse coacht in a faire trunke slop , like a boulting hutch . Alas , they were mortall , and could not choose but bee tempted with so glorious an obiect . For what maie not gold doe with him that hath neither money nor credit ? Wherefore in verie zeale of a bad spirit , they conspired how to make a breach in his pocket , and possesse themselues of their pray . In the end it was concluded ( as necessitie is neuer with out stratagems ) that the one should go behind him , while the other gaue she stroke that should deuide life and soule . As they determined , so they brought it to passe , for the good old fellow walking verie soberly in one of the side Iles , deu●…sing where to dine to saue the odde thrée pence , sodainly one of them stept behind him and clapt his hands before his eyes , saying : Who am I ? Who am I ? while the other gaue the purse the gentle ●…erke , and beguiled his purse of the gilt : which done , hee went sneaking awaie like a dog that had wearied a shéep . The good minded Gentleman that was thus muffled , thinking that it had bin one of his acquaintance , that plaid bo péepe wish him after that sort , cried to him , Now for the passion of God , who are you ? who are you ? Tell me I prate you who are you ? For I shall neuer reckon while I liue . O , quoth the Cauallero Cutpurse , you shall know by and by , and therewith plueking awaie his hands , looked him full in the face & laughed , but by and by starting aside , as if he had committed an errour , God forgiue me ( quoth he ) what haue I done , I crie you hartily mercie , I haue mistaken you for my acquaintance , one that is so like you , as one peaze is like another : and therefore I pray you pardon me . No harme done , no harme done , quoth the Gentleman , and so they departed . Sinior who was to deuide his bootle where his companion attended him , and my neighbour Mumpsimus to tyrannize on Buls pudding-pies for his sire pence : short tale to make , his hungrie bodie being refreshed , and euerie one satisfied , there entred in a dumbe shewe , the reckoning with a cleane tren●…er in his hand verie orderly , as who should say , Lay your hand on the booke . On him attended a well fed Lapster in a shining sute of well liquored fustian , wheron was engrauen the triumphs of many full platter , with his apron on his shoulder , and his knife vnder his girdle . At which sight euery man began to draw , 〈◊〉 my honest penifather thought to droppe testers with the rest : but woe alas , his bréeches were like the bottomless●… pit o●… hell , for ther●… was not one crosse to be found . Then began he to fume and chafe , and run vp and dow●… like a mad man , saying , Well a bay that euer I was borne ! Who am I ? who am I ? Where at she rest of the Gentlemen wondring , hc vp and told them the whole stor●…e of his misfortune , as is afore recited . And said , now I know who it was that said , Who am I ? who am I ? for in troth hè was a cutpurse . But here did he not cease or spend much time in singing a De profundis ouer his emptie pocket , where was nought els saue Lent and desolation , but iumbled his braines together like stones in a bladder , and tost ouer his thoughts as a Tailer doth his shreds when he hath lost his néedle , to find out some meanes to fetch home his straied purse , and to be euen with those vndermining Pioners . In the end his pillow and present pouertie put this policie into his head . The next day early in the morning he went into Poules in the same apparell , and walking iust in the same place where he lost the maine chance the day before , hauing bought him a faire new purse with white strings and great tassels , and 〈◊〉 the same with brass●… counters , and thrust it into the stop of his hose , as he was wont , letting the strings thereof hang out for a traine . Well , so it ●…ell out , that he had scarce fetcht thrée turnes , but a poore woman that had the shaking ague in her head came to aske his charitie : he glad of anie occasion to boa●… his counterfeit wealth , to entrap the eyes of those hungrie espials , ga●… her a penie , and there with drew forth a number , of counters , making shew as if they had béene French crownes : which was presently perceiued by Timothy touch and take , that had beene in the action the day before , who sitting 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 , leaning like one twixt sléeping and wa●…ng , fell into a great longing , how he might haue that purse also to beare the other compan●… . Still the olde Snudge went plodding in one path , and euer looked vnder his ouerhange●… moss●…e eye-broines , to sée who came néere him , or once o●…er to fustle him . He had bes●…de at either end of the I le on of his men to watch , for feare any more , who am I ? shuld come behind him . At last out step●… my nimble 〈◊〉 , and running hastily by him like some prentise , that had béene sent of an errand , he sliced it smoothly away , so as the gentleman neuer perceiued it . But one of his men who had his senses both of séeing and féeling better then his master , marked when he gaue him the gentle gléeke , and whither he went when hee had obtained his bootie : whereupon dogging him to a Cookes shoppe in Thames sireet ; to which place also the Gentleman followed 〈◊〉 off . He there laid hands on him , and challenged him for a Cutpurse , saying , he had séene him doe such a thing in Poules , and told him also from whom he tooke it . He swore and stated , and stood at vtter defiance with him . And the better to outface the matter , his partner , who being then lodged in the same house , came downe and fell in tearmes of doing the Gentleman wrong , and that he should answer him , 〈◊〉 any man els . And ( quoth he ) if thou wert well serued thou shouldest be stabd for offering to discredit him thus at his lodging . Mean while that these matters were thus disputing , and the poore seruingmans death with manie oathe●… vowed , in came his master , who spying , who am I ? to stand vpon his pantofles so prondly , straight tooke him aside , 〈◊〉 told him a tale in his eare , that did him small good at the heart , and said flatly hee was the man , and no other whom he sought for , and either he would haue restitution for his purse at his hands , or they would trie a conclusion at Lyborne . At 〈◊〉 spéech their courage was somewhat abated : and in the end it so fell out , to a●…oid further trouble they restored him both the purses with qu●…etnes , and made him a sufficient recompence for the trespasse . Thus at that time they escaped , and all parties were pleased●… but shortly after they were taken for such an other fact , for which they were both condemned and executed at Lyborne .

Now Gentlemen , haue you not heard a pretie pranke of wilie beguily , where the cunning Cutpurse was 〈◊〉 in his owne practise ? sure I thinke neuer was poor●… 〈◊〉 so nipt before . Wherefore I wish all those that are of that facultie to be carefull of the right Nip , who if he bee neuer so cunning in his arte , yet at one time or other bee ma●…e hap to méete with Bul , and his sturdie Iade , on whom if he chance to ride with his necke snarled in an hempen halter , he is like to receiue so sharpe a nip , that it will for euer more marre his drinking place .

A notable exploit performed by a Lift.

THere was not long since one of our former profession , hauing intelligence of a Citizen that inuited three or foure of his friends to dinner , came a little before dinner time , and marked when the guestes were all come : when they were all come , as he ●…hought , knowing the goodman of the house safe ( for he was not yet come from the exchange ) steps vp the staires boldly , and comes into the roome where the guests were : when he comes in he salutes them , and askes if his cosen were not yet come from the Ex●…hange . They told him no. No ( saith he ) me thinks he is verie long , it is past twelue of the clocke . Then after a turne or two , In faith Gentlemen ( quoth my new come guest ) it were good to doe something whereat we may be●… merie against my cosen comes home , and to that intent I will take this Salt and hide it , that when hee misseth it , we shall sée what he will say to my cosen his wife : so hee tooke the Salt , and put it in his pocket , and walked a turne or two more about the roome , within a while when that other guests were bus●…e in talk , he steps downe the ●…taires faining to make water ; but when he was downe be turned downe Théenes 〈◊〉 , and neuer returned againe . The Citizen when he came home bid his friends welcome , ●…nd anon he mi●… the Salt that should be set on the table , called his wife to know if there were neuer a Salt in the house : His wife busle about dinner , tooke her husband vp , as women at such times will do , when they are a little troubled ( for a little thing troubles them God wot ) and asked him if he had no eyes in his head . No , nor you wife ( quoth hee ) if you say there be any now : So there past many shrewd and hot words betwéene them . At length the guests vnwilling they should disagree on so small a tri●…e , they vp and told how one came in and asked for his cosen , and tooke away the Salt , meaning to make a little mirth at dinner . But when they saw he returned no more , they contented themselues with patience , and went to dinner , as men at such times vse to do , with heauy hearts and cold stomackes .

THere are a certaine band of 〈◊〉 Prentises about the towne , that will abuse anie vpon the smallest occasion that is , and such men ( whom they neuer came to the credit in all their liues to make cleane their shooes ) these dare neuer méete a man in the face to auouch their rogarie , but forsooth they must haue the help of some other their complices . Of this base sort you shall commonly find them at Playhouses on holy dayes , and th●…re they will be playing their parts , or at some ●…out , as ●…he pulling downe of Baudie houses , or at some good exploit or other , so that if you néed helpe , or you thinke your selfe not able to make your part good with anie that you 〈◊〉 a grudge to , no more but repaire to one of these , and for a canne of Ale they will do as much as another for a crowne : & these make no more conscsence to beat or lame one , whom they neuer before saw nor knew , then ●…he knights of the poasts when they are feed out of Poules to sweare ●…lsly .

There are another sort of Prentises , that when they sée a Gentlewoman or a countriman minded to buy anie thing , they will fawne vpon them with their cap in ●…and , with what lacke you Gentlewoman ? what lacke you Countriman ? See what you lacke . The Gentlewoman 〈◊〉 diuers commodities , flndeth nothing that perhaps likes her : then going away , they come off with their ouer worne frumps . Will you buy nothing Gentlewoman ? It s no maruell you should sée such choice of good ware . Then they begin to discommend her person to their next neighbo●… , as god as themselues , and at next 〈◊〉 , Send a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 gra●…er h●…r . These ms●… 〈◊〉 ●…ke 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , that ●…hen 〈◊〉 comes into the house will ●…awne vpon him , but before he goes 〈◊〉 , if hee take not ●…eed , will catch him by the ●…nnes . But if they meete with a countrie-man , he is the 〈◊〉 man in the world to deale vpon . They 〈◊〉 aske him ●…ust 〈◊〉 so much as the wa●… is worth . The plaine simple man offers within a 〈◊〉 little of his price , as they vse in the countrie : which 〈◊〉 Apprentise takes , and sweares it was not his for that money , and so makes the poore man a right Conte . I think few in the Exchange will account this for a 〈◊〉 tricke . But if the countriman leaues them and goes his wa●…e without buying anie thing , either for that ●…ee likes not the ware , or that it is of too high a price : then will they come off with , Do you heare Countriman , will you giue me 〈◊〉 much , and leaue your blew c●…te for a pawn for the rest ? or they will bid him sell his sword and buy a paire of shoes for such like sco●…ing girds , that the poore man sometimes could find at his heart to giue all the money in his 〈◊〉 , that he had the●…n 〈◊〉 fields , that hee might re●…enge himselfe on them for abusing him : a verie great abuse to their ma●…ters and chapmen .

To ●…is societie mate be coupled also another fraternity , viz. Water-rat●… , Watermen I meane , that will be read●…e 〈◊〉 very diligent for anie man , vntill they can get them to their b●…ates , but when they come to●…and to paie their fare , if you pai●… them not to their owne contentinents , you shall be sure of some gird or other , yea and perhaps if they know they haue an 〈◊〉 to deale with , stop his hat or his cloake , till he haue paid them what they list ; but these are most commonlie seruants and apprentises : for the order is , that for euerie twelue pence they earne their ma●…ster allowes them two pence , so then the more they get , whether by hook or crooke , ●…he more think they their gaine comes in . But this sort now and then méete with their mates , who in stéed of a penie more in siluer , send them to the Chirurgians with two penie worth of sorrow .

But what need I to spend time in deciphering these common companions ? These few I haue particularly named , but thinke you there are no more of this kind ? But I let passe Carmen and Dreymen , as verse knaues as the rest , because these are better knowne then I can set them forth : I meane not at this time , nor in this Treatise to set forth the guiles and deceits accustomed in all trades and mysteries from the chiefest trade to the basest , but will content my selfe for this time , with that that hath béene alreadie dilated , intending in some other Treatise , at one time or other to relate in briefe what hath beene at large too long put in practise .

In the meane time curteous Citizens , let me exhort you to become good examples to your family : for as the master is , so commonly is the seruant , as witnes the old verses in the Sheppards Calender in September .

Sike as the Sheppards , sike beene her sheepe .

And be sure , if thy seruant sée thee giuen to spending , and vnchast liuing , there looke thy seruant , when thou thinkest he is about thy businesse , not onely spends his time vainly , but that money , which by thy care in staying at home thou mightest haue saued . Such iollie shauers , that are déepe ●●ashers of others , mens hides , haue I knowne ( more is the pitie ) to sit by all night , some at Cardes and Dice , some quaffing and swillng at the Tauerne , and other among their tru●●es , spending in one night some twentie shillings , and thirtie shillings often : some againe that can maintaine to themselues a wench all the yeare , and then they must filch and purloine whole péeces of stuffe for their gownes and peticoats , besides great store of mony : But these are such that can with a wet finger , and by reason of abundance of ware purloine their maisters goods , & not easily be espied . But be sure at one time or other such villains wilcome forth : for the pot goes so oft to the water , that at last it comes home crackt . And take this for a principle and general rule , that whosoeuer he be that giues himselfe to this damnable sinne of l●…st , let him be assored , as sure as he had it alreadie , that a great punishment hangeth ouer his head . Therefore it behooues the maister to be wise in gouerning his seruants , that they may bee as markes for their seruants to shoote at , to sée how their seruants bee addi●…ed and giuen , and not to be sterne and seuere towards them , but rather keepe them in , that they wander not abroad more then necessitie forceth , remembring that rule that Ouid giueth ,

Parce puer stimulis & fortiùs vtere loris .

Spare ●…he whip , raine them hard : for such as are growne to yeares will hardly endure blowes , wherefore ●…he raining them from their desires is the next way in my mind to bring them to good .

But ●…ere is the griefe that those that should giue light are darke ; those that should be guides haue néed to be lead ; those that should instruct to 〈◊〉 , are inducers to vanitie , according to those verses in Ma●…e ,

Those faitors littell regarden their charge , While they letting their sheep runne at large , Passen their time that should be sparely spent , In lustinesse and wanton meriment . Thilke same be Sheppards for the diuels steed , That playen , &c.

Againe , ●…hat conscience they vse in bargaining and selling , witnesse ●…he whole world , according to Diggon in Septemb.

They setten to sale their shops of shame , And maken a market of their good name . The sheppards there robben one another , And layen baites to beguilde her brother .

And againe ,

Or they bine false or sull of couetise , And casten to compasse many wrong emprise .

In fine , to conclude with that which we haue so long stood vpon , namely with vncleannesse , how hard it is for men to bee reclaimed from it : and as it is pernicious to all generally , so particularly to young men that haue newlie set vp for themselues , and haue as it were newly entred into the world , soone maie they cast awaie them selues , except they looke the better about them : but most odious for such that haue wi●…es , with whom they may solace themselues . Pitie it is that such cannot be noted aboue the rest , it shewes an inordinate lust . And nowe it comes in my mind , I will impart with a tricke serued vpon a maried man , and a tradesman by a good wench , as they call them , reported and heard from her owne mouth not long since . The parties names I will conceale , because some of them are of some credite , although somewhat blemished by this skarre : and it was on this maner .

How a Citizen was serued by a Curtizan .

THere was one Mounsieur Libidinoso 〈◊〉 at she signe of Incontinencie , hauing cast vp his accounts for the weeke past ( for it was Saturday night ) after supper resolued with himselfe to walke , which way he cared not , but as his 〈◊〉 fell , so would he wend : by chance it fell Westward , and Westward he went , vntill he came to Whitestiers . When 〈◊〉 came thither he be thought himselfe , and held it a déed of charitie to sée some of his old acquaintance , whom hee had not visited a long time before : But they according to the ancient custome were remoued , for they vse not to stay long 〈◊〉 a place . He hearing that , made no more 〈◊〉 but fel aboord with one that came next to hand , 〈◊〉 good as the best , one that had béene tried , 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a one as would not shrinke at a shower : little intreatie serues , and 〈◊〉 they goe . When after their ●…eastly sport and pleasure Mounsieur Libid . heat of lust was somewhat asswaged , 〈◊〉 ready to goe , féeling his pocket for a venereall remuneration finds nothing but a Lester , or at least so little , that it was not sufficient to please dame Pleasure for her hire . He protested and vowed he had no more about him now : for ( said he ) when I came forth I neur thought what money I had about me . My Ladie would not belée●…e Mons. Libid. a great while , but searched and féeled for more coine , but at that time she was frustrate of her expectation : she seeing no remed●…e , set as good a countenance on the matter as she could , and told him she would be contented for that time , hoping hee would bee more beneficiall to her hereafter . They were both contented : where no sooner hee is gone downe the staires , but shee whips off her gowne , and puts on a white wastcoate with a trice , and so dogs M. Libidinos . home to his house , and taking a perfect view of his house and signe , returnes back againe . On Monday morning she came to his house verie orde●…ly in her gown with her handbasket in her hand , where she found Mons. Libid . and his wife in the shop : when she came in she called for this sort and that sort of lace , vntill she had calle●… for as much ware as came to twentie shillings : when she was ready to goe , she whispered my Gentleman in the ear●… , and asked him , If he be remembred how sleightly such a time he rewarded her kindnesse , but now I am satisfied for this time . M. Libid . was in a wonderfull streight , and gaue her not a word for an answer , fearing his wife should knowe an●…e thing . His wife noting her whispering in her husbands eate , and seeing no mony paid , asked her husband when she was gone , who she was . 〈◊〉 verie smoothly told her , shee was a very honest cutters wife , and that hee knew her a long time to bee a good paymaister . This answer contented his wife : but ful well I know he was not contented in his mind al the day after .

Sée here how a man may bee vnawares ouertaken by these 〈◊〉 Pitchbarrels . Then let this example teach th●…e to forgoe their allurements , least thou in time be defiled with the like blot , or ouerplunged in a deeper bog : Remember ,

Foelix quem faciunt aliena pericula ca●…tum .

For these night birdes not vnlike the Syrens , ●…he more you frequent them , the more you shall be intangled , according to these verses , Diggon in Sept.

For they beene like foule wagmoires ouergrast , That if thy gallage once sticketh fast , The more to wind it out thou doest swincke , Thou mought ay deeper and deeper sincke , Yet better leaue of with littell losse , Then by much wrestling to leese the grosse .

These may be motiues to all to auoide such infectiou●… plague-sores : but how hardit is to get vp a tyred 〈◊〉 when he is downe , especially in the dirt euery man knowes , and men wil haue their swinge do all what they can , according to Thenot in February .

Must not the world wend in his common course , From good to bad ; and ●…rom bad to worse ; From worse vnto that is worstof all , And then returne to his former fall .

But for my part I am resolued and wish all men of the like mind sticking my sta●…e by Peirse in Maie .

Sheppard , I list no accordance make With sheppard that does the right way sorsake , And of the twaine if choise were to me Had leuer my foe then my friend to be ,