Greenes newes both from heauen and hell Prohibited the first for writing of bookes, and banished out of the last for displaying of conny-catchers. Commended to the presse by B.R.

Greenes newes both from Heauen and Hell .

BE not dismaied ( my good freends ) that a deade man shoulde acquaint you with newes , for it is I , I per se I , Robert Greene , in Artibus Magister , he that was wont to solicite your mindes with many pleasant conciets , & to fit your fancies at the least euery qnarter of the yere , with strange & quaint deuises , best beseeming the season , and most answerable to your pleasures . Hauing therfore so many times taken the true measure of your appetites , & finding the very height of your dispositions inclined to nouelties that you might the rather sée howe willing I am to satis-fie your humors , I haue sent you heere the whole discourse of my aduentures , what hath be●…yde mee since I left the terrestiall worlde , with a very true report of my infernall trauailes . Strange per aduenture for you to vnderstand of , but for the truth of the matter , if you shall any where stand in doubt , doo but compare the place with that golden volume of Legenda Aurea , or with the workes of that famed wise man Syr Thomas More , in his Booke of Quoth I to your freend , and quoth your freend to me , in his discourse of Eutopia , & The suppli●…ion of soules in Purgatory . If your conscience be yet scrupe●… , and that these authentike authorities will not fully satis-fie you : turne ouer then to the Remish Testament , and leauing the Chapters and wordes of the Euangelistes , looke into the notes inserted by that holy fraternitie of I●…suites , and that blessed broode of Seminaries , and tel me then if you do not find matter seeming more incredible than any by me here alleaged , and yet I dare boldly auouch it , ( and that without blushing ) if you consider duly of the circumstances , you shall finde no lesse cause to laugh at the one , then to beleeue the other . Hauing thus prepared your mindes to receiue the certaintie of my discourse , now likewise sette open your eares , and be attentiue to the rest , for thus it foloweth .

When pittiles Death had sommoned my soule to leaue his transitory estate , infusing his frosty humour through all the parts of my body , leauing my breathles corps a fitte pray for the sepulcher , my deceased ghost wandring now to and fro in many obscure & vnknown waies , desirous to find a place of rest , at the length lighted into a straight and narrow tract , so ouergrowne with bryers & brambles , that there was almost no passage left , and as it should séeme vnto me , did lead vnto some ruinated place , where all former trade & traffique was decayed , the solitarines wherof ( me thought ) was best befitting & answerable to my humor : so that with great difficulty scratching through the bushes , it brought me at the length to the foote of a mighty stéepe Hil , whose height I was not able to discerne , but by the vnpleasantnes of the path , leading ouer monstrous Rocks craggy & ill fauoured to passe , I perceiued it to be the high way to Heauen . But should I tel you heere the toil●… that I had to climbe this Mountaine , with what labor I attained it , how many breathings I tooke by the way before I could reach it , what folly I found in my selfe to vndertake it , and should I discribe vnto you at large howe many inconueniences they finde that vndertakes thys passage to Heauen , peraduenture I might so discourage you , that a great number would neuer desire to come there at all , but thys I can assure you for your better c●…mforts , he that hath a willing minde to vndertake thys trauaile , let hym bring with hym a pottle of that lyquour , which I was wont to drinke with my Hostesse , at the Redde lat●…esse in Tormoyle streete , and hee shall finde it more auailable in the furthering of hys iourney , then a whole poke full of the Popes pardons .

When I was gotten vp to the toppe of the Hill , after that I had a little panted for breath , looking forwarde ouer a fayre greene , ( as my high way did direct mée ) I myght perceiue ( a little distant from mee ) where two were fast together by the eares : weapons they had none , more than their bare fistes , but with them they laide on such load , that I perceiued the one was loath to remayne in the others debt ; and I somewhat mending my pace , when I was come vnto them , presently knew them both to be of mine olde acquaintaunce , the one Veluet breeches , the other Cloth breeches , betwéene whom I had ( not long before ) béene a stickler , and ( as I supposed ) had taken a quyet order betwéene them for ending of all controuersies . But they neuer the more vppon my ariuall forbare the one the other , but sometimes with downe-right blowes , enough to haue feld a Bullocke : sometime with bobbes at the lippes , able to haue dasht out theyr téeth : otherwhiles lugging one an other by the eares , as if they had committed some offence in listning too lightly after foolish spéeches : but Veluet breeches being in the French fashion , with a goodly locke hanging downe his left chéeke , wherin Cloth breeches had so snarled his fingers , that when I thrust in betwéene them to haue parted them , I could not pluck away his hand , tyll he had pluckt away hayre and all that he had holde on : but hauing once put them a sunder , I wild them as they were men to hold their hands , why ( qd. I ) doo you know what you doo , or doo you remember the place where you are ? I am sure wee be not farre from Heauen gates , and if S. Peter should vnderstand of your abuse , I knowe he would commit you both to the Porters Lodge .

Veluet breeches , who was so farre out of breath that h●…e was not able to speake , in the end , when he had a while well blustred and blowne , deliuered mee these words .

This base fellowe , whom I haue euer disdayned , and although in our late controuersie , by the inconsideration of a partiall Iurie , he preuayled against me , sentence being giuen on his side , the which I thinke dooth incourage him the rather in his presumption toward mee , but I euer scorning him , denying him ( as he is ) vnworthy to conuerse with a Gentleman of any quallitie or trayning vp : and as I was yerwhiles quyetly , trauelling all alone in a solitarie muse , how I might behaue my selfe when I came to heauen , what salutations I might render to the Saincts , with what grace I might giue the Baseles manes to the Monarches and great Princes that had raigned in the world , and what countenance I might carry , best beseeming a Gentleman of my reputation & calling , newly comming amongst so many strangers of al sorts , amongst whom I was altogether vnknown , and had no manner of acquaintance : as I was painfully and with great difficultie trauelling vp the hill , in these & other like cogitations , this barbarous fellow ( whose rude training vp hath better inabled him to indure labour & toile , than those that haue lyued in pleasure & ease ) was followed hard at my heeles before I was aware of him , which in truth at the first made me halfe afraide , but looking back & seing who it was , my feare was turned into disdaine , and my stomacke meruailously began to swell against him : but without any mann●…r of word speaking vnto him ●… kept my way , the which being so straight ( as you know ) that there can passe but one at once , I held him behinde me , till I was gotten vp to the very height of the hill , where the passage growing more spacious , he makes no more adoe at the matter , but without any word speaking steps afore , & began to hold on his way as though I had béene but his man , and should haue waited on him in his iourney , the which my stomacke not able to brooke , I reprooued his malipart saucinesse ; he by and by began to grow into comparisons , both of my selfe and my petegrée , when it is well knowne that Veluet breeches was neuer lesse than a Gentleman , and Cloth breeches neuer more than a Pesant , and that I haue euer kept company , where such a vassell as he is might be ashamed to shew his face , and therefore holde it in great scorne , that he should take the way of me , now trauelling to so glorious a presence . Cloth breeches , that stood all this while with his head hanging on the one side , and byting of his nether lyppe , aunswered him thus .

Veluet breeches , touching thy parentage , from whence thou art descended , what thou maist claime for thy gentilitie , and how thou maintaynest thy brauery , thou knowest hath beene already sufficiently disputed vppon betwéene vs , and by the verdict of a Iury , ( whom thou falsly accusest of inconsiderat partiality ) they haue pronounced against thée , and decréede on my side , the which sentence , vntill by a new tryall thou doost seeke to auerre , thou art not till then able to auoid : I wil not therfore reitterate any matter already handled and fully concluded , but briefly to aunswere thy passed speeches ; Thou saydst thou wert halfe afraide when I first ouertooke thée , and I beleue thée , for I perceiued by thy blushing , that either thou wast in doubt of a Cunstable , that had followed thée with Hue and crye , or of a Bayliffe , with a writ out of the Kings Bench , that had come to arrest thée : for the geneeositie thou braggest of , acknowledging thy selfe to be a gentleman , & accounting me for a pesant , I will deale plainly with thée in that : there be some fooles in deede like thy selfe , that doo cal thee Master Veluet breeches , & mée they call goodman Cloth breeches , but looke generally through al the parts of England , and you shall sée the goodman Cloth breeches at home kéeping good Hospitalitie , when Ma. Veluet breeches sels away his house , or kéepes his ●…oores shut and will not be spoken withall : for the company which thou sayst thou hast kept , wher I might be ashamed to shew my face , I know not wher it shold be , vnlesse in some brothel house , for those be the places where thou most frequentest : wherin thou hast truely spoken , for there in déed I would be much ashamed to be séene .

Veluet breeches would faine haue replyed , but that I interrupted him in these words , saying .

My Masters and very good friends both , I perceiue you haue not read al my bookes , which I haue purposly put forth for the benefite of my Countrymen , for if you had but séene Greenes farewell to folly , me thinkes the bare tytle , without turning ouer leafe to looke further into the matter , might haue moued you to this consideration , that the very ground of your contention is méere folly and flat foolishnes , the which you should haue shaken hands withall , and so to haue bid it adieu , taking a faire farewel of a foule ouersight : and in one other of my bookes , called Greenes groats worth of wit : why , if there were but one peny worth of wit equally distributed betwéene you both , you would neuer vse to quarrell , & fal together by the eares as you trauell by the way : blame me not my good Countrymen , though I vse bitter expulsiues to expel your grosse errors , you are trauelling I perceiue to a place of blessed peace & quiet rest , what wold you think to enter with malicious mindes ? no , the Porter is circumspect , & can looke narrowly into mens dispositions . You Maister Veluet breeches , you are a Gentleman , and you are brauely suted & gallantly apparrelled , and you peraduenture will looke for preheminence : but doo you think that either your great tytle or gay clothes will any thing at all stand you in steede : no , for S. Peter will first looke into your Scutchine , ( for if you be a Gentleman you must shewe your armes , otherwise you will be proued but a counterfeit , and those S. Peter cannot abide ) and if there shall be found either in the coate or crest , any bloody or cruell beast , any rauenous or deuouring foule , or any other marke or token whatsoeuer , whereby it may appeare , that your gentry hath beene aduaunced by rape , by rauen , by bribery , by deceipt , by oppression , by extortion , by vsury , by periury , and to make short , by any manner of fraud and subtiltie , you are vtterly vndoone , he will locke the gates against you , hee will not suffer you to enter . And you goodman Cloth breeches , peraduenture you vnder your simple attyre and homely habit , you thinke to find so much the more fauour : but I can tell you it will not serue the turne , for S. Peter shuts out fortie false knaues in a yeere , that come creeping thether in Fryers coates , and Monkes Coules .

I am now to put you in mind of an other of my Bookes , called Greenes neuer too late : O that you had but read ouer that Booke in time , but nowe it is too late for me to spend such wishes , and more later for you to redresse your former follyes , it resteth then that we agrée together like friends , and trauell together like louing Countreymen : let vs not exhibite complaints one against an other , for you shall finde we shall be charged with matters more than we shall well be able to aunswere .

Truely said Veluet breeches , your wise perswasions hath so lene●…ed my cholloricke passion , that I am contented for this present iourney , to admit of Cloth breeches as a companion : neither is it himselfe that I doe so much dispise , but his meane and simple attyre .

And for my part ( answered Cloth breeches ) I can be contented to passe in friendly maner with Veluet breeches : neyther is it his gay apparrell that I find fault withall , but with his seuerall and sundry abuses .

Well then ( said I ) I hope the greatest part of this quarrel is at an end for the present , let vs therfore spend no longer time with any further discoursings , but let vs goe forwards till wee haue likewise ended our iourney : agréede said they , and forwardes wee went , and within a very small distance we might perceiue a farre more cléere and radient light , than euer before till that present wee had beholden , and immediatly wee might beholde the tops of the heauenly buildings , whose towers and turrets were of such exceeding brightnes , that our eyes dazeled , we were not able directly to looke vpon them , which gaue vs so great comfort , that we mended our pace , tyll at the last we might heare the most sweete and delectable melody , that euer ( I thinke ) happened to any eares , the harmony not possible to bee descrybed ; and by this time we were come hard to heauen gates , which we found shutte and fast locked , and at the least , a hundreth persons walking vp and downe with sad and heauie countenances , conferring now and then by two or thrée together , making semblance by the shewe of their behauiour , that their mindes were perplexed with some distressed griefe . This spectacle made mee wonderfully to muse , what I might think of the matter , but we thrée holding still in company , passed too and fro by them , and they lykewise by vs , we knowing none of them , nor they knowing none of vs : at the last méeting with one al alone by himself , whose graue & sober aspects , argued a stayed and discréete mi●… , and leauing my company for the time , I singled him out , first saluting him with a courteous Conge , the which he as kindly returning me agayne , I began in this sort to enter parle with him .

Courteous Syr , if a strangers boldnesse might not breed offence , I would request you to satisfie mee but in this one demaund , I am ( as you may perceiue ) vnacquainted in this place , hauing taken a tedious and painfull trauell , and being now arriued , would be glad to vnderstand the successe of my iourney , and I haue walked too & fro héere this long hower , and in all this space I could neuer see any one passe either in or out , nor the gate so much as opened , which seemeth strange vnto mée , considering the multitude which doo frequent the place , it makes me iealous , that all should not be well in heauen , and to growe into suspition of I know not what .

Truely my good friend ( answered this graue sir ) it should séeme you haue neuer bin a suter , that wold looke for so quick a dispatch , you haue walked vp and down ( you say ) héere this hower , and there be héere in this company , that haue trauelled as farre as you , and haue walkt vp and downe héere this moneth , peraduenture a yéere , perhaps more , and would bee glad if they might be dispatched yet , within a wéeke , a fortnight , or a moneth , yea , if it were somwhat more , they would be glad euen then to come to an end of their sutes , you must ( Syr ) therefore be contented to stay your time , & to take your fortune , and thinke you came hether in a very happy houre , if you be dispatched in a quarter of a yéere . Your news sir ( said I ) doth not a little make me wonder , but if without offence I might but deale thus much farther with you , what might be the cause I beséech you , that there is no more regard to the dispatching of poore suters , that haue laboured & tyred themselues many wayes in hope to haue héere a spéedy release , aswel for the redresse of their sustained wrongs , as also to be rewarded as they shal be found worthy by desart ? for as it is supposed , this is the very place where Justice & right is most duely administred , & therfore is accounted the only place of comfort : but can there be any greater wrong , than for a man to be so long deferred from his right ? or may there be a more discomfort , than when a man shall neuer hope to haue end of his sutes ?

My good friend ( answered the other againe ) although you haue said no more than is truth : but yet something for your better satis-faction , your consideration must haue some referrence to the time , for one of the greatest matters that doth hinder the forwarding of sutes at this instant , ouer it hath béene in times past , is this , in briefe to be spoken , the wonderfull affayres of great importance , and the continuall busines that S. Peter is dayly troubled withall .

What I pray sir ( sayd I ) is S. Peter more troubled with businesse now , than in times past he hath béene ?

O sir ( said the other ) you néede not doubt of that , & there is great reason for it , that it can not otherwise be , he hath so many affaires to run through , that it is almost thought impossible how he should execute them all : for first , he is Knight Porter héere of heauen gates , a place I warrant you of no lesse charge than trouble : then , he is constituted the Prince of the Apostles , & confirmed in that authority by all the Popes , for this three or foure hundreth ye●…re , so that al the rest of the Apostles can doo nothing without his allowance , and whatsoeuer he dooth they cannot recall : then , he is the Popes Factor , & hath the handling & determining of all causes for him , and hath lately bin more troubled with his brablements , for the holding vp of S. Peters chayre , than with all the Kings & Princes again in Christendom : fourthly , he is the Master of the Requests , chosen by the papists to present their prayers to God , and they ply him euery day with moe pelting peti●…ons , than his leysure will permit to looke ouer in a moneth after : these & so many other matters hee hath still to looke into , that if he had sixe able bodies , they were all too little to run through his other affayres .

Why ( saide I ) this is a pitteous case , that hauing such infinite busines , as I perceiue by your spceches , that he hath not some assistants to helpe him , & that so many troubles should not lye all on one mans necke .

Well ( said he ) this is your opinion , you haue gyuen your verdit , but haue you not learned , Quod supra nos , nihil ad nos : it is not for you & me to say what is beho●…ull for Saints , they knowe their times & what is necessary , better than you or I can instruct than , & therfore not to be found fault withal in any of their dealings .

These spéeches ended , giuing him great thankes for his curtesie , I returned againe to my two Companions , Veluet breeches and Cloth breeches , to whom I imparted all my newes , which strooke them both into a suddain dumpe , but especially Cloth breeches , whose trayning vppe had not béene accustomed much to giue attendance , but it fell out , the very same after noone , that our Lady , with the eleauen thousand Uirgins , had béene walking in the garden to take the ayre , & in her comming backe , fortuning to looke out at a Casement , she sawe vs altogether as we were walking , and calling to her Gentleman vsher , shée demaunded what wee were . He aunswered , that we were Suters , which there did giue our attendance . Alas poore soules ( said shée ) I did perceiue in déede by their pittious lookes , that their minds were troubled with sorrowe and griefe , and without any other wordes speaking , she departed , and causing all other busines to be for the time set a part , shee tooke order that all suters should presently be dispatched .

The next morning something early , S. Peter came foorth to a place where he vseth to sit for the hearing of causes , for that there is a custome , that if any man doe but once get hys féete within heauen gates , hee is neuer after thrust out , and therefore hee taketh assured order that none may enter , but such as shall be thought worthy for their desarts to continue the place . S. Peter hauing nowe seated himselfe , order was taken that euery suter shoulde successiuely bee heard , he that had remayned longest to be first called , and so to procéede to the second in due course accordingly . I and my two companions were the latest that were there arriued , and therefore the last to be dispatched : the rest were examined by one and one , and that in such seuere and straight manner , that amongst euery ten , there were scarce one admitted to haue entrance into heauen , the Articles that were obiected against them , were too many in this place to bee rehearsed , but one thing I noted well , which was , there were some that shewed him the Popes Pasport , sealed with lead vnder his priuie Sygnet , but Jesus how S. Peter did be foole them , to shewe him such a writing , being not confirmed vnder the handes of the foure Euangelists , he commaunded them presently to auoyde and to come no more in his sight .

Our turnes being now come to say for our selues , I was the first of the thrée that was called for : S. Peter demaunded of me what might be my name , and what trade I had ●…sed . I tolde him my name was Robert Greene , by profession a Scholler , and commenced Maister of Artes . O ( quoth S. Peter ) I haue heard of you , you haue beene a busie fellowe with your penne , it was you that writ the Bookes of Cony-catching , but sirra , could you finde out the base abuses of a company of petty varlets that liued by pilfering cosonages , and could you not as well haue discryed the subtill and fraudelent practises of great Conny-catchers , such as rides vpon footeclothes , and sometime in Coatches , and walkes the stréetes in long gownes and veluet coates : I am sure you haue béene in Westminster Hall , where you haue seene poore Clyants animated to commence actions , and to prosecute sutes till they haue brought themselues to beggery , & when all is spent they are turned off like fooles , and sent home by wéeping-crosse . And let me sée now if any of your Crosbyters , your Lyfters , your Nyppers , your Foysters , or any other of the whole rabblement of your Conny-catchers , cal him by what name you list , be like vnto these , or more mischiuous in a Common-wealth . Then haue you couitous Landlords , that dooth daily so exact and cheate of their poore Tennants , that they were better light into the laps of a Cutpurse , then to dwell within the precincts of a Cut-throte . Yet haue you a proude kinde of Conny-catchers , that hauing but a Penner and yn●…rne hanging at his gyrdle , yet créeping into some great mans fauour to become his Clarke or Secretary , by plaine Conny-catching , within very fewe yeeres , will purchase thrée or foure hundred pound land a yeere .

Or shoulde I put you in mind of great Conny-catchers , placed in Offices , who are continually building of houses , and still purchasing of reuenewes to leaue to theyr heyres , perhaps by deceiuing the Prince , or cossoning the Subiect , but how should they compasse so great aboundance , but by some practise in Conny-catching : vnlesse they be such which the Prince dooth fauour , of whom she bestoweth many gracious and liberall gyfts : I will not say there bée Conny-catchers amongst Clergy men , that will catch at a Benefice sometime before it falles , and nowe and then by Simonie or other corruption hauing catched two or thrée , can be contented likewise to catch their Tythes from their poore flock , but very seldome to ●…eede them , or to catch any of their soules to the kingdome of heauen . But now my fréend take this for your answer , you that coulde busie your selfe to fable out so many follies without indifferency , and to become a wryter with such partialitie , I must tell you truth , heauen is no habitation for any man that can looke with one eye and wincke with the other , for there must none rest there that dooth vse to haulte , but such as be plaine and true dealing people .

I woulde very faine haue replyed in mine owne excuse , but S. Peter cut me off , telling me that I was aunswered , and that hauing mine aunswere , I shoulde trouble him no further . And foorthwith speaking to hym that stood next mée , asked hym his name . Who told hym that he was called Veluet breeches . S. Peter asked hym further , what Countrey-man he was . He aunswered an Englishman . I cannot think you to be a naturall Englishman , sayd S. Peter , for that I neuer heard of any of your name in that Country . Yes Syr ( if it please you ) said Veluet breeches , my auncesters came in with the Conquest , and my predecessours haue still continued Gentlemen both of Worship and credite .

As Veluet breeches had ended these words , there happened to come by , diuers Princes that had raigned Kinges of England , all of them mounted vpon great Horsses , and had béene abroade vppon the gréene running at the King : the which Princes being espyed by S. Peter , he called vnto them , requesting them a little to stay : and then poynting to Veluet breeches , he demaunded if any of them did knowe hym , or any of hys name remaining in Englande , in the tyme of theyr raignes and gouernments ? But they denayed altogether that euer they had seene hym , or euer known any Gentleman of English byrth that was of his name .

Amongst this royall troupe , was King Henry the thyrd , and he confidently protested , that in the time of his raigne , there was no such person to be found , for said hee , I sent one of my seruants to buy me a payre of hose , and hee returned againe with a payre that was but of sixe shillinges and eyght pence the price : wherewith I being displeased , folde him that I would haue had hym bestowed a marke of a payre , but hee said there were none such to be gotte . But as for the other Cloth breeches that standeth by hym , I know him very wel by his lookes , he dooth so much resemble his auncesters , and hath the very liuely picture of his Predecessours , the which were very honest plaine dealing men , without any manner of falshood or deceite .

S. Peter thanked them of their paines , and thus the Princes departed , who beeing gone , S. Peter saide : You haue heard Ma. Veluet breeches what hath passed , but yet because you haue auouched your selfe to be a Gentleman , you shall haue thys fauour , we will examine some other of later time , who peraduenture may better call you to remembraunce . There stoode a Messenger by , whom S. Peter willed presently to goe fetch hym some Englishman , that was but of some tenne or twenty yéeres residence in the place , charging hym to goe with spéede , and to make a quicke returne . The Messenger met with a company that were newe come out of a Tennis courte , amongst whom was a Mearcer , that within these tenne yéeres had dwelt in Cheapside , hym the Messenger brought to S. Peter , who demaunded of him , if he did know a Gentleman in England , called by the name of Ma. Veluet breeches . Yea marry sayde the Mearcer , I know him to my cost , for thys is he that standes by me , and heere I auouch it before his face that hee is no Gentleman , but a proude dissembler , and a cosoning counterfeite : which if it shal please you to giue me leaue , I will proue before this holy companie . Saint Peter aunswered , we doo not onelie giue you leaue , but also doe straightly commaunde you to speáke a truth , and withall , to speake no more then is truth , what you are able to charge him withall , and howe you are able to pr●…ue your words .

The Meareer aunswered , it were too much impiety for a man in my case to raise any slander , or maliciously to accuse any man wrongfully : but to the end the trueth of the matter might more euidently appeare , I must craue pardon a little to vse circumstances , and thus it followeth .

About fourteene or fifteene yéeres since , when I kept a shop in Cheapside , following there my trade , this counterfet Gentleman , being consorted with another of his owne pitch , a byrde of the same feather , although in times past , his onely samiliaritie was but with Dukes , Earles , Lordes , and such other worthy personages , yet at this day an ordinary companion , and conuersant with euery skypiacke , and himselfe of base condition and a common Cosoner , his name called Silke stockings . These two copesmates , Veluet breeches and Silke stockings changing theyr names , and because I will not be offensiue to other Gentlemen , that peraduenture be of the same name which they then tooke to themselues , I will call Veluet breeches maister White , and Silke stockings , he shall be maister Black , these two counterfeite Gentlemen , maister White and maister Black , prouiding themselues of Lodgings , Maister White as it might be in Graties streete , in a house where no body knewe him , and Maister Blacke in Fanchurch streete , fast by where he found as little acquaintance . Theyr Lodgings being thus prouided , Maister White walking into Poules , and séeing many bils sette vp on the West doore by such as wanted Maisters , perusing the bylles , and finding one that he thought might be ●…itte for his purpose , ( and in truth was as cosoning a knaue as hee himselfe ) gaue notice vnder the bill , that he shoulde repaire into Graties streete , and at such a signe enquire for Maister White .

The fellow finding his bill subscribed , ( and hoping now to light vpon some cheate ) made hast the same night , & came to Ma. Whites Chamber : Sir ( saith hee ) I perceiue your Worship wants a seruant , and I am the party whose byll it hath pleased you to subscribe , and would be glad to take any paines with a good Maister to please him . O sayes Ma. White art thou he ? Marry it is truth , I would giue entertainement to a young fellowe that woulde be dilligent and trusty . If it please you sir , ( answered the party that meant nothing but deceite ) I will finde you suerties for my trueth and good behauiour . Thou sayest well ( sayes Ma. White , ) but trust me , I like thy lookes well , mee thinkes thou hast a good honest face : but tel me if thou wilt be with me , I must haue thee immediatly .

Sir , answered the other , if it please you to giue me leaue till the Morning , that I might fetch some few things that I haue to shift me withall , I will then attend your Worshyp . Uery well ( saies Ma. White ) thou maist doo so , and till then farewell .

Héere was now a Maister and a man well met , for the Maister meant to vse his man but to serue his turne for a poynt of cosonage , and the man meant to vse his Maister , til he might finde oportunity , to runne away with his purse or some other of his apparrell , as he had doone before with many others . But according to appointment , in the Morning trusty Roger came , and was receiued of hys Maister , who now with his man at hys héeles , frequented his fréend Ma. Blacks Chamber for a day or two , and the one of them could not be without the others companie , but maister Black must dyne with maister White at his Chamber , and Ma. White must suppe wyth maister Blacke in his Chamber : but the sequell was , maister White with his seruaunt attending of hym , walking into Cheapside , and lighting into my shoppe , demaunded of my seruaunts where their Maister was , they told him that I was within , & that if it pleased him to haue any thing with me , they would call me . Yes marry would I ( sayes he , ) I pray you call him , for I wold speake with him . One of them telling m●… that there was a Gentleman in the shoppe that would speake with me , I came downe , and Ma. White first curteously saluting me , began in this sort to discourse with me .

Sir , I am a Gentleman , belonging to such a Noble man in the North parts of England , and in trueth the Steward of ●…ys house , and hauing now some busines for my Lord heere in the ●…itty , which I am come to dispatch , I must disburse some mony vpon Ueluets & other Silkes both for my Lords and Lady , and I tell you trueth they are such wares as I haue little skyl to make choyce of : the matter why I was desirous to speake with you , was but to commit that trust to your selfe which I durst not aduenture with your man , and my request is , that you would deale so honestly with me , as I might not be deceiued in the choyce of my stuffe , the bene●…e that you shall winne by your good vsage is , you shall receiue ready mony for such wares as I meane at this present to buy , and you shall winne a customer , of whom heereafter you may take greater summes .

I hearing his smooth spéeches deliuered vnder pretence of honesty , and séeming otherwise , both in the show of his apparrell and the dutifull attendance of his man , that hee had béene ( indéede ) some Gentleman of reputation and good reconing , desirous so much the rather to win such a customer , I tolde him that I woulde not onely fitte him with as good stuffe as any man in London should shew hym , but also in the price I would vse him with such reason , as in any other place they were able to affoorde him : the which promise ( in very déede ) I meant faithfully to performe .

Heere-withall , he drew a paper foorth of his pocket , wherin he began to reade : Item for my Lord , two yardes and a halfe of Blacke veluet , and two yardes and a halfe of Kusset veluet , for two payre of Hose , with three yards and a halfe of Black sattine , and as much of Kusset for ●…blyting . Item for my Lady , fourteene yardes of the best thrée pylde veluet for a loose Gowne , with sixe yards of Peach coloured satine for her Petticoate . Item for Mistris Iane & Mistris Fraunces , fourteene yards of double tursfed Taffita for each of them a Gowne : and twelue yardes of Cornation satine for theyr Petticoates . To conclude he brought me out so many Items , that the prices of the wares amounted to 50. and od pounds , the which when I had sorted him out , he began to find fault that they were too high rated , praying me to sette my lowest price , for that he meant to pay ready money , and therefore if I would not be reasonable , hee must be driuen to séeke some other shoppe . I very loath to driue him away , pitcht him a price so reasonable , as in truth I was not able better cheape to affoord them : but hys mind being onely sette vppon cosonage , told me he durst not aduenture to gyue so much mony , and thus away he went .

Within an houre after , hauing sent away his man , which of purpose he had doone , he returned againe , and finding me in my shop , he asked me if I would abate no money in my stuffe : I thinking hee had béene some other where to cheapen , told him I had rated them so reasonably , as I was able to affoord them : and that I was sure , in anie shoppe where he had since béene , he had not found the like wares for the like price .

Nay truelie , ( sayde hee ) I haue not beene in any other place to cheapen any such stuffe , but yet since I left your house I haue disbursed fortie poundes in other thinges , that I haue sent to my Lodging by my man : but I sée you are hard , and yet sith I haue dealt thus farre with you , I will not forsake you , come therefore and cutte me of the parcels . The which accordingly I did , and laying them together , hée desired me to cast the totall summe , the which as before I haue sayd , amounted to fifty and od pounds .

Syr , ( sayd hée ) I must craue to borrow one of your seruaunts , to helpe me home with thys stuffe , and hee shall bring you your money : I haue sent mine owne man about busines , and haue no body heere nowe to helpe mee . Uery well Syr sayd I , my man shall waite vpon you , or doe any other curtesie .

And thus willing one of my men to take vp the stuffe and follow him , I deliuered him a note what mony he was to receiue . Together they goe , til they came to his Chamber in Graties streete , where they found hys man remaining , who ( indeed ) was somewhat perplexed in hys mind , because there was nothing there of hys Maisters , that was woorth the carrying away , vnlesse he should haue taken th●…●…tes from the bedde , but that he deferred , hoping shortly to lyght of a better cheate . But Ma. White demaunded of his man , if Maister Black had not beene there since his comming into the Chamber ? who answered him no , neither had hee séene him all that day .

Maister White with that séemed as though he began to be angry , and willed his man presently to hast to his Chamber , and to will him withall speede , to bring away the two hundred pounds the he was to receiue , or at the least to bring one of them with hym immediatly , for that hee was to pay the greatest part of it to one that staied in hys Chamber for it . Away went hys man , and in the meane time Ma. White entertained my man in this manner . He asked him if he had any acquaintance with some Goldsmith in the row that was his freend , and would vse him well in the buying of a Chaine and a payre of Bracelets , and not to exact too much of him for the fashion . My man told hym , that he was well acquainted with two or thrée that woulde deale very reasonably wyth hym .

Hée séemed to gyue my man great thanks , and ●…old him , that so soone as hys man was returned , and that he had payd hym his money , he would himselfe goe backe with hym and buy them . Hys owne man in thys meane space , was come to Maister Blacks Chamber , whom hée founde within , prouided for the purpose , and was as busie with a Standishe , a great many of papers lying before hym , and a whole sette of Counters in hys hand , as though he had been casting vppe of as huge summes as the King of Spayne receiueth from the Indyes . He had likewise lying before hym , a great bagge full stuffed , making show as if it had béene a great bagge of mony : the sight whereof gaue the Messenger so good an apetite , that he wished the bagge and hymselfe tenne myles out of the place . But dooing hys Maisters message , maister Black answered hym that he was so full of present busines , that he could not stirre foorth from hys Chamber , but ( sayth he , the money thou séest where it lyeth , and if he will come hymse●… , or send some other to tell it and receiue it . Why Syr ( sayde the other ) if you please to deliuer me the money , I can carry it . Yea ( sayes Maister Black ) but your Maister I perceiue is in such haste , as hee would be offended if you should stay the telling of it , but goe your wayes to him and tell him what I haue said , and then let him choose whether he will come or send , the money is héere ready for him , away goes this companion , comforting him with the assured hope , that the carrying of this bagge would haue lighted to his lot , which if it had , he ment to haue giuen them all the slyp , or his cunning should haue fayled him : but comming to his Maister , hee tolde him that Maister Black was so busie in his Chamber casting vp of accounts , that he could not come , but Syr ( saide he ) the money I did see lying vpon the Table ready for you , and he would haue delyuered it vnto me , but that I feared my long staying in the telling of it might haue offended you .

Why then ( saide Maister White ) goe your waies backe agayne , and I will intreate this good fellow to goe with you , ( meaning by my man ) to whom he further said : I pray thée my good friende doe so much as goe with my man , and first pay your selfe according to your note , and helpe him then to tell out the rest , for I thinke his skill will scarce serue him to tell so much money , and drawing out of hys pocket , a payre of gold weights , which he delyuered to my man , he sayd , and I beséech you if any part of his payment be in gold , sée that it be neither crackt nor crased , and that it carries weight , and I pray you in your comming backe againe with my man , doo so much as call in héere , and I in the mean time will dispatch a little busines , and will by that time be ready to goe with you vnto the Goldsmythes rowe , where I must craue your helpe for the buying of this Chayne and Bracelets . My man suspecting no manner of deceipt , went a long with hys man : but comming to Maister Blacks Chamber , there was no body to be founde , neyther coulde any of the Seruants of the House , saye whither hee was gone , they sawe him goe foorth but a little before their comming in , but whither he went they could not tell ; whereupon , they both together returned backe againe to certifie Maister White : but comming to his Chamber , he was likewise gone , and had carryed away all the same stuffe which my Seruant had left with him : my man begynning but nowe to suspect , when it was too late , immediatly caused the Officers to lay holde of Maister Whites man , and hee was carried directly to the Counter , where hee beganne to curse the time that euer hee mette with such a seruice , con●…essing that hee had coosoned many Maysters before , but nowe hee had met with a Mayster that had a little ouer-reached him . But I vppon my mans returne , came to the places where they had beene lodged , and made what inquiry I coulde , but there was no body that had any manner of knowledge of them , for they came thether not aboue foure or fiue dayes before , making shewe that they were newe come foorth of the Countrey , and that the Carryers were not yet come with theyr Trunckes and apparell , and during the time of theyr aboade , had neuer spent peny in the house , for meate , drinke , nor lodging , which made them protest , it shoulde bee a warning vnto them , what guestes they receiued againe so long as they kept house , and heere was all the remedy that I could haue , but in the ende I had intelligence of many other like coosonages , they had committed in the Cittie , and the parties were well knowne to bee Maister Veluet breeches & Maister Silke stockings , two counterfeit Gentlemen , that to maintain their brauery , practised such deceipts , and would not stick many times to rob by the high way : for the Uarlet committed to the Counter , whom I could no waies charge with any practise towards mee , I released him freely , but for some other villainies which before he had committed to others , and by himselfe confessed , he was whipped at a Cartes arse , and after burnt through the eare , and so commaunded to audyde the Cittie .

Thus much ( as it hath pleased you to commaund me ) I haue truely signified , what knowledge I haue had of thys Gentleman , Maister Veluet breeches .

S. Peter standing vp , saide : Veluet breeches , thou hast heard what hath béene auouched against thée , and I wonder howe thou durst presume to present thy selfe in this place , knowing the guiltinesse of thine owne conscience : but I see thou art shamelesse , and for such persons as thou art there is an other place prepared , to the which thou must depart , for heere thou mayst not bide : then speaking to Cloth breeches he said , and for thee Cloth breeches , of whom I haue heard so good report , thou maist seperat thy selfe from thy two companions , & enter into that blisse , where thou shalt find a happy reward for an honest life ; and thus as her was ( by séeming ) ready to depart , he espyed where one was comming alone by himselfe , within a little distance , whom S. Peter perceyuing to be a straunger , stayed his comming , and then speaking vnto him , he demaunded of him what he was : who aunswered , that he was a poore Yorkeshyre man , a Brick-layer by his occupation , and one that had truely laboured for his lyuing all the dayes of his life : and ( sayde he ) our Maister Vicar hath many times tolde vs , that if we get our lyuings honestly with the sweat of our browes , wee shall goe to heauen , and there we shold haue such peace , such quyet , such ioy , such comfort , such pleasure , and so many God morrowes , I cannot tel what , but ( of his words ) I haue had but an ill-fauoured iourney hether , and what I shall find I cannot tell yet .

S. Peter séeing his simplicitie , sayde , why then my freind come and followe me , and tell me héereafter howe thou likest of the place .

The fellowe hastily replyed , saying : I pray sir let mee first aske you a question , doo vse to let any women come into Heauen amongst you ?

Why not ( saide Sainct Peter ) what should make thée to doubt of that ?

Why then I pray sir ( sayde the other ) did there not a woman come hether about a six wéekes a goe , with a bleare eye , a snottie nose , a blabber lippe , a stincking breath , her voyce was very shrill , and her spéech thicke and short .

But how doost thou call her name ( sayde S. Peter ) whom thou hast described , with so many louely tokens ?

Her name ( saide the other ) is called Margery Sweete , but yet more oftner called by the name of Mannerly Margery .

Why she is in heauen ( saide S. Peter ) and if thou hast any thing to say to her , thou mayst there find●… her ?

Mary God blesse me from thence ( saide the other ) if shée be there , I knowe her fashions too well , to come any more where she is , shee was my wife , and I was married to her sixtéene or seuentéene yeeres , and I faith all heauen would be too little for her and mée , and if we should once méete againe , but I am now ridde of her , and I hope I will keepe mee so , she shal not cast it in my téeth , that I was so far in loue with her to follow her , as she hath many times doone : telling me , that if I had not béene she might haue had a Minstrell , that would haue got more money in a wéeke with his Fiddle , than I could get in a moneth , with laying of Brick .

S. Peter , with the rest of the company , hearing the mad disposition of the fellowe , departed , leauing behinde him , my selfe , Veluet breeches , and this Brick-layer , who forsooke to goe into heauen because his wife was there ; you may easily gesse , Veluet breeches and I were perplexed with sorrowe enough , but it was too late nowe for vs to bethinke our selues what we ●…hould haue doone , and rested onely for vs to determyne what we must doo , & the further wee found our selues bereaued of all possibilitie , to recouer agayne what wee had lost , the neerer approached the horror of our griefe and torment : but we had receiued our finall sentence , and there was no place longer for vs to stay in , the comfort that was left vs , was to see if wee could finde meanes to gette into Purgatorie , hoping there to finde some release , by the prayers and charitable deuotions of good people , and with this resolution we set forward of our iourney : the Brick-layer ouertaking vs , desired vs to accept of hys company , protesting that he would be a partaker of our fortunes , whatsoeuer did betide vs .

Veluet breeches demaunded of him what was his name : The other tolde him that before he was marryed , they called him Ruffling Richard , but after that he was marryed , they neuer vsed better addition than playne Dick. Truely friend Richard ( saide Veluet breeches ) me thinkes you are too plain , and more simple , to forsake heauen because your wife is there . I pray you sir ( saide Richard ) were you euer marryed ? Yes mary was I , ( sayde Veluet breeches ) but what of that ? I doo not vnderstand you ( saide Richard ) for I demaund of you , if euer you had a wife ? And I tell thée I had a wife , ( saide Veluet breeches ) why doost thou aske me that ? Good Lord ( saide Richard ) I neuer heard a wise man make so foolish an aunswere , for I aske you if you were marryed ? and you say yes : and when I demaunde if euer you had a wife , you aunswere , I mary had I , and what then ? And doost thou call that a foolish aunswere ( saide Veluet breeches ) what , wouldst thou haue mee say , yes foorsooth ? No sir , no , ( saide Richard ) but I will teach you some wit how to aunswere to such a question ; when a man dooth aske you if you haue a wife , you must say , yes I thanke God , or , yes I cry God mercy , for so a man shall directly vnderstand you : for if you say , yes I thanke God , by that we may vnderstand you haue a good wife , for the which you are bound to thanke God highly , because fewe men dooth happen of the like : but if your aunswere be , yes I cry God mercy , Sub intelegitur , such a wife as mine was , and then you would neuer haue accounted mee simple , to leaue heauen to ●…hunne her companie , because a man shall liue more quietly amongst all the diuelles of hell , than it is possible for him to doo , that lights on such a wife .

Hearing these pleasant speeches in this manner deliuered by Richard , I could not choose but smile , notwithstanding my cause of griefe : and taking it to bee a benefit of fortune , that had vouchsafed to fauour vs with the company of this merry conceited Brick-layer , whereby to beguile our pensiue thoughts with his pleasant discourses , in this our tedious trauell . I questioned with him of his wife , what shee was when hee marryed her , whether a widdowe or a mayde , by what meanes hee came acquainted with her , and howe shee became so vnruly . Richard in this sort began to discourse .

When I was young ( saide he ) I was as hansome a fellowe , as any was in the parish where I was borne : and for my valour , I durst haue trauelled into any Gentlemans Buttery , when all the Barrels had beene full , without either sworde or dagger about me : for my resolution , if I had once gotten vnder a maydens Chamber windowe , I would neuer haue started , till they had emptied a Camber pot on my beade : for my courage , I duist haue gone into any baudy house , and woulde haue come ●…ut agayne as honest a man , as when I went first in : for my credit , I might haue runne on the skore for six pottes , wyth any Alewife that kept house within fiue myles where I dwelt : for my quallities euery manner of way , I had the preheminence amongest all the youthes that were in our quarters , for at May-tyde , who was the ring-leader for the fetching home of a May-pole , but I : at Midsommer , I was chosen the Sommer Lorde : at euerie Bridall , who must daunce with the Bryde , but Ruffling Richard : Thus for a pleasant life , the Cunstable of the Parish liued not more merrily than I , and for my reputation , I was almost as much reuerenced as our Church-wardens : but , as the stoutest Stond of Ale , at last is set a tilte , and the fattest Goose comes soonest to the spitte ; so , my former fortunes were drawne to their laiest date , and my prime of pleasures concluded with mishappe : but oh loue , O cruell loue , that wast the first frunte to my felicities ; But who can resist loue , if it be once crept into the bottome of a mans belly ? O what a rumbling it makes in his guttes , and howe it bethrobs him about the heart : and sée nowe the sequel of my mishap . I fortuned to be at a Shéepe-shearing , where I met with Margery , she that was my wife , in a fine red petticoate , with damaske vpper bodies , a white apron before her , & vpon her head a broad felt hat , with a braue braunch of rosemary sticking in her bosom , appointed amongst the rest with a payre of sheeres , to helpe sheare Shéep , and I hauing brought forth a lusty young Ramme , would haue laid him in her lap , but she resusing to take him , said vnto mée : now good friend Richard if you loue mee , bring mee none but poulde shéep , for of al things in the world , I cannot away with these horned be●…stes . When I heard these milde words , thus gently spoken , & howe kindly she pronounced this sentence ( Good friend Richard if you loue me ) O heauens ( thought I ) what a swéete charme is this : then nothing her modesty , that shee could not abide the sight of a horned beast , I began to thinke with my selfe , how happy might that man be accounted , that could light of such a wife , & hauing but a little thus giuen scope to mine own affections , Loue , that had his tinder box ready to strike fire , by this time had set my fansie of such a flame , that not longer able to endure the heate without a cup of Sack , I saide vnto her ; Margery , your manner of phrase hath wonderfully troubled mée , for in your first spéeches you call mée your good friend Richard , and then you come in with a doubtfull demaund , in these words , ( if you doe loue me ) as though I coulde bee your good friende and yet did not loue you : but Margery , sith you haue popt mee such a doubfull question , if you and I were alone by our selues , I would poppe you such an aunswere , that you should well find that I loued you , and that heereafter you might leaue out your if , and say , Richard asse you loue me .

With these words pretily casting her head at one side , she gaue me such a learing looke , that might as well haue daunted me with dispaire , as giuen mee comfort & hope of grace : for the one of her eyes was bleard , and séemed as though she wept , the other was a pretty narrowe pinckeny , looking euer as though she smylde , so that in her very countenance at one instant , you might behold pleasure and paine , pitty and rygor , curtesie and crueltie , loue and disdayne : and then wyth a swéete voyce , lyke one that were asking an almes , shée sayde .

Richard , if you loue mee as you saye , your loue shall not bee lost , but men are so crafty nowe a dayes before they are marryed , that they will make a mayde beleeue they loue her , tyll they haue gotte vppe her bellie , and then they will not sticke to denye their owne children , and that makes women when they be once marryed , to play their husbands such a cast , that they shall not knowe their own children : but if your loue be no such loue Richard , you shal not finde me vnkinde . When I heard the wisdom of the wench , it made my pulses so to beate , that I had thought my codpisse point would haue fallen a sunder : but for aunswere I saide .

Margery , your sober speeches so wisely deliuered , together with your sweet countenance so louely placed , hath so preuayled with your good friend Richard , that for the better confyrmation of my loue , receiue here this token , as a pledge of my good will : and taking then a two peny péece which I had in my purse , I bowed it and gaue it to her , the which when she had receyued , she said .

Well Richard , nowe I doo account you as mine owne , and at night when my Mother is gone to bed , if you will come home , we will there talke farther of this matter : & for your welcome , I will bestowe of you a messe of Creame .

Margery ( saide I ) looke you kéepe your promise , for I wil be there , and because you will be at so much cost with a messe of Creame , I will bring with mee a peny worth of spycecakes : And although we had thus referred ouer farther spéeches till our next méeting , yet during the time that wee remayned there in place , O how many amorous glaunces and louing countenances there passed still too and fro betwéene vs : but at night my appointed time being come , thether I went , and Margery was at the windowe watching for my comming , who hauing once espyed mée , she opened the doore , where shee receiued mee with such a swéete kisse , as if her breath had been lately perfumed for the purpose , whose dainty smell was as sauery , as if it had béene a red herring that had béene newly roasted : her louely lippes pleasant and soft , like a locke of wooll that was but then come out of the seame basket : but should I tel you of all the other loue tricks that passed betweene her and me that night , I might either oppresse your stomack to thinke of it , or otherwise perhaps make you ashamed to heare it : but let thys suffyce , before I departed , our marriage day was appointed , and Margery in time made her Mother acquainted with the matter , who nothing misliking of her Daughters choyce , gaue her her blessing , with many other good helps to furnish forth her bridall day , the which when time had drawne to be solemnized , and that the lustie youthes of the Parrish were gathered together to goe with vs to Church , & the young Damosels were flocked on a heape to waite on the Bride , attending her comming foorth . The good old woman her Mother , who had béen euer chary of the louely Chickin her daughter , and euen at the very instant when we were ready to goe to Church , shée was scooling of her with this exhortation .

Margery , ( sayd the ) the day is nowe come for the which you haue so much longed after , it is twenty yéeres agoe since you first wished for a Husband , and by r Lady daughter you were then seauentéene or eyghteene yéeres of age , so that at this present you want not aboue two or thrée of forty : nowe if wit went by yéeres , you are olde enough to be wise , but I being your Mother , besides my many yéeres which might aduaunce my skill , so I haue buried foure seueral husbands , ( the heauens be praised for it ) which hath so much the more confirmed my experience in the dispositions of men , and can the better iudge of their naturall inclinations : and by all that I haue gathered by mine owne proofe and practise , I haue found it still by tryall , that the fantasies of men , are euermore best fitted with the follies of women . But leauing generalities , and to come to so much as concerneth but thy selfe , that art now to be married to a husband , who in respect of his age thou mightest be his Mother : and couldest thou now but consider , what a comfort it is for an olde Woman , to be louingly embraced by a young man , O daughter daughter , thy mothers mouth begins to water , but with the verie imagination to thinke of the pleasure , and therefore happie maiest thou deeme thy selfe , that art so likely to enioy it .

But héere is now a great péece of discretion to be vsed , for as age conceiueth such contentment with the societie of fresh and pleasant youth , so youth will quickly fall a loathing of cold and crooked age , if the parties be not wise to enforce that by arte , that they are otherwise denaied by nature : which is , to shew a youthfull disposed minde , how farre so●… they be spent in yéeres : for it is a tyred Iade that cannot cry weehee , and a sorry Mare that cannot wag her taile . Thou art nowe to consider the inequalitie of the yeeres betweene thy selfe and thy husbande , and therefore a little to whet him on to make him to like of thée the better , it shal not be amisse for thee to shew some youthfull conceite , especially being thy bridall day , it is tollerable for thée a little to play the wanton .

I can tell thée daughter , men are well pleased to sée theyr Wiues youthfully gyuen , and there is nothing that doth more delight them , then to sée them wantonly disposed : and thys is the meane to winne your husbands lik●…ng , and to drawe him to that appetite , which your many yeeres might quenche : remember therefore what I haue told you , and fayle not for your aduantage , to shew some youthfull tricke .

Margery making a mannerly curtsie , said : Yes forsooth Mother , I will remember all that you haue told me .

By this time all things being prepared , to Church we went , where the Priest hauing once doone his office , we returned againe , and were accompanied with our neighbours and freendes that went home to dinner with vs : for whom there was prouided Fyrmentie and Minced Pyes , besides other good meate both roste and sodde : the which being all ready , Margery was placed at the vpper end , between two of the most substantiall honest men , according to the custome of the Parrish , and my selfe likewise , ( as the manner was ) did waite that day at the Table , with a napkin hanging on my shoulder .

But O what a comfort it was vnto me , to sée how daintily Margery fedde of euery dish that came neere her , and how lustily she laid about her for her victuales And ( thought I ) if it be true as some will say , that a good féeding Horse will goe through with his labour , then I warrant if I gyue Margery her meate , I neede not feare to ryde her where I lyst . But Dinner beeing almost at an ende , and the Cakebreade and Chéese ready to be sette on the Table , the good old Woman her Mother , who had likewise beene very busie that day in taking paynes to fill the pottes , and to carrie away emptie dishes , beganne to cheere vppe the companie , bidding them welcome , and telling them she was sorry there was no better chéere for them .

Margery presently vpon the sight of her Mother bethought herselfe what she had to doo , and calling now to minde what lesson she had gyuen her , and howe shee had willed her that day to showe some youthfull tricke , thereby to purchase the fauour of her husband , and picking out at that very instant a fitte opportunity to performe it , she called to her Mother in thys youthfull manner , Munna , vppe and cacke . The olde Woman hearing her Daughter , sayd : Why how now Margerie ? ●…e for shame , will you speake bugges wordes ? Could you not pretily haue saide : I pray you Mother haue me vppe to picke a Rose , nay nowe I sée you play the wanton too much .

Then speaking to the company that safe by , she sayde : I pray you beare with my Daughters childishnes , for I know it is the Firmentie that dooth so much anoy her , for euen from her very infancie , if she had taken any spoone meate , she was still troubled in the bottome of her back-side with a great ventositie .

The neighbours séeing the clenlinesse of the wench , did euer after that call her by the name of Mannerlie Margerie . Thus much to answer your former demaund concerning my wife , whether she were a widdow or a mayd : by the circumstances wherof , you may perceiue she was a maid , although a very old one , and yet not so far spent in yeeres but she was able to play a youthfull trick . And now for the rest that concerneth but the tragedy of mine own mis-fortune : to signify the matter at large , would be tedious for you to heare , & fearefull for me to declare , the very memory wherof were enough to make me tremble , but that I know I am farre enough from her that was the minister of my woe .

Let thys suffise , within a very fewe Monethes after I was married , Margery beganne to grow ielous , for if shee had once béene thirsty , and that I wanted money to sende to the Ale-house , she wold tell me that I spent a way my thrift amongst some other young Queanes : heere began our first falling out , and to set forward the matter , there dwelt at the very next house by me , a Tayler , who had a wife that was sure once a day to measure the breadth of her husbands shoulders with his owne mete-yard .

Margery and this Taylors wife grew to be acquainted , and amongst other conclusions it was agréed betwéen them , that to preuent diseases , and to preserue them in health , they would euery morning next their harts , take a phisical dyet , which was , a full quarte of the quintinsence drawne from an Ale-tub , warmed by the fire , with a grated Nutmeg , halfe a yarde of Black-pudding rosted on a grydyron , a quantitle of salte , with a measure of fine Wheate-flower , first made into paste , and after baked in a loafe of breade : these ingrediences , after they had incorporated altogether , they would afterwards lightly fast till noone . And they founde such a commoditie in vsing this Medicine , that if the Tayler and I had not euery morning giuen them mony to pay for the simples , it had not beene good for vs to haue come that day after in their sights : for the Taylors wife , shee could handle a mete-yard or a cudgel passing nimbly , but Margery had gotten the practise of all manner of weapons . For besides that she had the vse of her nayles , which she imployed many times about my face , she could likewise handle a payre of bellowes about my pate , a payre of tonges a thwart my shins , a firebrand sometimes should flye at my head , a ladle full of scalding liquour other-whiles in ●…y bosome , a thrée footed stoole , a pot , a candlesticke , or any other thing what soeuer came next her hand , all was one to her : and shee had learned such a dexteritie in the deliuerie , that they should haue come whirling about mine eares .

In the ende , deuising with my selfe a remedy for these mischieues , I found the meanes to be made the Cunstable , hoping that mine Office woulde haue beene a protection to me for a yéere , and that she durst not haue striken her Matesties Officer . But within a day or two , it was my fortune to hit on a pot of strong Ale , which shee had sette vp in a corner for her owne drinking , and I ( béeing thirsty ) gaue it such a soupe , that I left very little behind . The which afterwarde when she came to séeke for , and founde her store so pittisullie impaired , against my comming home at night , she prouided her selfe of a waster , and I was no sooner entred the doores , but foorth she comes with her cudgell in her hand , and wyth such a terrible countenaunce , that were able to affright anie man that should behold it .

Richard , sayd shée , I had thought you would neuer haue gyuen me occasion to be ielous of you , but now I sée you loue a cuppe of strong Ale better then you loue me , and do you not thinke then that I haue great reason to be displeased wyth your vnkindnes towards me , and to beate out that lacke of loue that dooth make you so lightly to regard me .

Margery , sayd I , take héede what you doo , for you know that I am her Maiesties Officer , and heere I charge you in the Quéenes name , that you holde your handes . What Maister Cunstable , said she , haue you gotten an enchauntment for me , or doo you thinke that your charme shal serue to excuse you ? No sir no , for nowe you haue deserued double punishment : first , you being an Officer if you offer wrong , your punishment must be so much the more gréeuous , and is it not meere iniustice to take that which was not prouided for you : next , you haue deserued to be well punished , for the little reuerence you haue vsed in the execution of your office : commaunding me in the Queenes name to hold my handes with your cap on your head , nor vsing any other duty or reuerence : but Matster Cunstable , I will teach you howe to vse an Office , and with that she let flye at my heade , at my shoulders , at my armes , and still she would cry , remember heereafter how you doo your Office , remember your duty to the Queene , remember when you commaund in her Maiesties name , that you put off your cap , and doo it with reuerence : and such a number of other remembraunces she gaue mée , as I thinke there was neuer poore Constable before nor since , so instructed in an office as I was . To tell you of many other like remembrances which at ●…ther times shee bestowed on me , I shold but trouble you , but the conclusion is , I am now ridde of her , and they say that the distaunce between Heauen and Hell is great , but if they were a sunder fiue times further then they be , if I might vnderstand where shee were in the one , I woulde neuer rest till I were gotte to the other .

Richard hauing thus discoursed the whole course of hys life , of his lyking , of his loue , of his pleasure , of his paine , although the subiect of the matter were scarce worth the hearing , yet considering the place whether we were going , it kept a fitte Decorum with the iourny we had in hande : and as the tale it selfe was tedious , so by this time we were ouer passed a long and wearisome way : the best commoditie , the tract was large and spacious , and still discended downe a Hill into the bothome of a Ualley , glooming and melancholy to behold , where we might espie one with a Waxe Candle lighted in his hand , who was walking by himselfe , prying and tooting in euery corner , and many times stumbling , and ready to fall where the way was plaine and smooth , that we tooke him to be some blind man that had lost his way , wherat we began to wonder what he shold doo with candle light , that could not sée to guide his steppes at high noone dayes . But we keeping on our way , were drawn so neere him that we might perceiue he had the vse of his eyes , yet hee neuer perceiued vs , till I saluted him , and bade him God speede . Whereat he suddainly started , as if he had béene halfe in a fright , but when he had awhile taken the gaze on vs , hee demaunded of vs how farre we had come that way . I tolde him that we were come from Heauen , and that we were going to seeke out the place of Purgatory , desiring hym that if he were acquainted in those quarters , that he would direct vs the ready way to goe thither .

Alas Gentlemen ( said he ) that is the place that I haue béene séeking for this long Moneth together , and I thinke there is no corner betweene thys and Hell that I haue lefte vnsearched : and were it not for thys holy Candle , whose vertue is able to defend me from the inchauntment of anie spirit or deuill , I would thinke I were Goblyn lead , I haue wandered so farre about , ●…uermore hitting into daungerous high wayes that leadeth to Hell , and coulde neuer finde out the path that should bring me to Purgatory .

Truly my freend ( said I ) if I be not deceiued , the lyght which you carry in your hand ( wherin you repose your greatest confidence ) is the very meane of your mistaking , & hath so much dimmed your sight and dazeled your eyes , that you cannot see the right way , but makes you thus to run stumbling about , and to wander to and fro , that you your selfe knowes not whether , I would wish you therefore to leaue it , and you shall see so much the better howe to direct your steps . What said he , would you haue mee leaue my holy Candle , marry God and good S. Frauncis blesse me out of that mind : but if you be of that Religion , I would be sorry to tarrie in your company , vnlesse I might induce you by perswasion to thinke more reuerently of holy things .

Truely ( sayde I ) a lyttle inducement shal suffise to perswade me to any reasonable matter , and good counsell is euermore to be embraced , but especially at this instant , my case being now as it is .

Why then ( said he ) I will tell you a true tale , wherein you shall perc●…ue the wonderfull effect that Holy water hath in working against the deuill , and this it is . There was not not long since , a very proper young woman , that was possessed of a fiend , who did so torment & vexe her , that althou●…h she would not goe to any Sermons , nor would euer receiue the Communion , yet she would sometimes goe to Church , and say her Pater noster in English , and now and then eate flesh on Fridaies , and would commit many other heresies , which thys deuill tempted and led her to doe . But you shall sée now , there was a good honest holy Priest that was a Seminarie , who beeing in place where thys Woman was , and lyking her very well , did begin to pitty her case , and of meere deuotion prickt forward by a san●…ified loue , he deuised with himselfe , how he might fully reclaime her to the holie Church : and hauing attempted many practises in vaine , and finding that neyther perswasion , charme , nor any manner of coniuration , was able to remooue the wicked spyrite from her , his last helpe was , hee gaue her a glister of holie Water , the which hee had no sooner put vp into her bodie , but the deuil immediatly forsooke her , that she after became a most Catholique vessell , and was able to reason so profoundly in that Keligion , that but with a little blast of her back side , she wold haue made the proudest Protestant that stoode next her to stop his nose .

An other like miracle I am able to protest of mine owne knowledge , and this is it . There was a Gentleman that is liuing at this present houre , whose name and dwelling place if I list I coulde deliuer : thys Gentleman had beene married full out tenne yeeres , during which space he neuer had issue , although both himselfe and his wife were very desirous to haue chyldren . But it fell out that a holy Father a Iesuite was priuily harboured in thys Gentlemans house , who seeing the Gentlewoman to be a lusty and well lyking wench to beare chyldren , did minister vnto her the holy sacrament of extreme vnction , anoyling her partes of generation with holy oyle , and laying the signe of the crosse ouer her as she lay on her bed , and thys Gentlewoman for three yeeres together that thys holy father lay in her house , had euery yeere a childe : and therfore most happy may those people thinke themselues , that doth retaine and foster such holie guestes nowe in these dangerous tymes , if it were but to haue theyr Wiues hallowed , and to be made holy vessels .

But if I shoulde heere enlarge further , what miracles hath beene wrought , by Holie Water , Holy Candles , Holy Ashes , Holy Oyles , Holie Lambes , and many other holy Keliques , I knowe I shoulde minister so much contentment to your conceite , as the pleasure would make you hartily to laugh .

Syr sayde I , your myracles are strange , and they may be true , but yet I am of opinion , that for the casting out of diuelles , the name of God is of groater authoritie , than a whole tubbe full of holy water , and for a woman to be made fruitefull in children , is likewise the blessing of God , and I doo thinke that for the attaynment of any thing that is good , it is rather to be requested in the name of the Creator , then otherwise to be sought for , by the meanes of the creature .

The other aunswered againe , but men that bee of your Religion , are not able to looke into theyr owne errors : for if they were not wilfully blinde , they should finde it in common experience , that hee that will looke to preuaile in hys sutes , shall sooner bee dispatched by the mediation of the Saincts , than if he presumed to preferre his cause to GOD himselfe , and should finde more grace by the meanes of the creature , then if he requested in the name of the Creator : and because I would bee glad to confirme you the better , I will ●…ewe you you an example .

Admitte nowe that your selfe were in a Princes Court , and had some sute , that might not onely concerne your own , but that it stretcheth so farre , as to the aduauncement of Gods glory , the profite of the Prince , and the generall benefite of the whole Countrey . You are nowe to preferre thys sute : what , will you goe to the Prince himselfe ? ( who in this place representeth God ) why you shall attende a longe while before you shall come to his presence , and then , although he be milde , affable , gracious , and full of clemencie , and in déede with as many royall vertues as appertayneth to a godly Prince , yet he will turne you of to some one graue Counsailer , or some other great personage that is about him , to looke into your cause and to consider of it : ( who in this place dooth represent the holy Saincts , which must bee your ●…diator : ) Now this Counsayler is so troubled with so many other affayres , and such busines of great importance , that he hath no leysure in the world to remember you : then must you ply his Secretary , or some other that is néere about him , and you come to him ( whith your cappe in your hand and 〈◊〉 courtesie ) and say , I beséech you Syr remember my sute to your Maister , I haue lyen long heere , and I haue spent all that I am able to make , and I pray you Syr euen for Christes ●…ke , and for the t●…er mercy of God , get me an aunsw●…re : ( héere you come in the name of the Creator : ) Nowe sir , I will ( for example sake ) make my selfe an aduerse against you , and I will come to the same partie , and say vnto him , Syr , I vnderstand that such a one ( meaning you ) hath presented such a sute , and I beseech you Syr , euen as you loue an hundreth Angels , ( I come heere in the name of the creature ) procure me your Maysters lets against him , and let mee haue your assistance for the stay of his sute : tell mee nowe your owne conscience , will not these visible creatures , glistering in this mans eyes , worke a quicker expedition , than the bare name of your inuisible Creator but sounding in his eares ? I am sure you will neuer make question of the matter : for the very presence of an hundreth angels but looking him in the face , will make him to enter into any attempt , yea , and sometimes to abuse his Maister , be he neuer so wise , be he neuer so graue , or be he neuer so honorable , and to make him by his information perhappes to commit some error .

Syr ( saide I ) if the matter were worth the reasoning , I could easily aunswere your fond comparisons , but I am not disposed to argue of these matters , & wil therfore let them rest with this conclusion , that God is God , and onely good , & men are men , & no man without fault , nor frée from offence . This is very true ( answered Richard ) for the Vicar of our parish in a Sermon that he made on Midlent Sunday , did speake so much in Latine and sayde , N●…mo sine briberi viuit : I remember his words well enough , and brought so much of hys Sermon away .

Richard had no sooner thus added his finatiue conclusion , but we might sodainly heare a loud & pitteous skrike , which by the shrilnes of the noise , séemed to be some womans voice , that was put into some feare , or offered some vyolence : and bending both our eyes and our steppes , towardes the place from whence the noice resounded to our eares , we might sée a woman hastily comming towards vs , with a trusse or fardle vnder her arme , to whom I saide ; Good woman , to séemeth you shold be distressed , although I know not for what cause , but say , what is the matter of this your hasty flight ? Alas sir , ( said she ) as I was trauelling towards hell , with certaine wares that I haue héere in my fardle , which I am sent withall to shewe them to Proserpina : fast by heere in the high way , there encountered with mee the most deformed and yll-fauoured Monster , that euer I did s●…tte myne eyes on , whose ougly countenaunce dyd so afright mee , that it maketh mee in this sort to retyre , not daring to holde on my course .

I pray thee goodwife ( saide I ) what wares should they be , that thou art carrying to hell ? or doost thou carry them to sell ? or be they sent as a present ?

Syr sayde shée , I haue heere Perewigs of the newe curle , Roules , and other atlyres for the heade of the new fashion , Ruffes of the newe s●…tte , newe Cuttes , newe Stitches , newe gardes , newe imbroyders , newe deuysed French Uerdingales , newe French bodyes , newe bumbasting , newe bolstering , newe vnderlayings , and twentie newe deuyses more than I haue nowe spoken of , which I am carrying to hell amongest the Ladyes and Gentlewomen that are there , who when they lyued in the worlde woulde let slippe no fashion : and I am sure nowe they bee there , would be right glad of the fashions nowe in vse , both to sée them and to haue them .

In good faith ( said I ) they ●…e wares fit for such customers , for from hell they came , and thether they will , there they were first deuised , and therefore fittest to serue that Market .

You are much deceyued ●…r ( sayd she ) for I haue fashions heere that 〈◊〉 a Lady nor Gentlewoman that is in hell , euer sawe the like , 〈◊〉 neuer a Cu●…an , or any other strumpet that liued in the world , did euer weare the like , such perewigs , curled and ●…ed by art , such roules of hayre per●…umed an●… platted by proportion , such ruffes 〈◊〉 will aske one whole day to wash and starch , and an other daies labour but to pinne them in the fashion , that ( alas poore women ) they are faine to take great paynes to goe to the diuell : but I beséech you Gentlemen , if your occasions be not the greater , doo so much as conduct mee a lytttle part of the way , tyll I bee p●…st this ill fauoured Monster that hath so affright me . We yeelding to her ●…quest , had not gone farre but we might discerne a most de●…ormed creature , with a monstrous payre of hornes , growing from the vppermost part of his Fore-head , the tippes where of turned round into his eyes , and growing there agayne into his head , had made him starke blinde , that he had no manner of sight ; Our Companion so confidently perswaded in the vertue of his holy Candle , that he thought no spirite was able to hurt him , stepping forward sayde , In nomine Patris , what art thou that walkest in this fort , thus disturbing the High wayes .

The other aunswered , What I am thou mayst sée very well , but howe I came to bee thus perplexed , that thou must vnderstand by a further cyrcumstaunce . Knowe then that I was a Myller , sometimes dwelling in Kent , where I kept a Mill , which ( as it seldome tymes wanted water , so at no time it wanted grist ) for that it had the custome of the Countrey , at the least fiue or six myles about : It fortuned that a very wealthy and substantial Farmer , dwelling two or thrée miles from me , sent a sacke of Corne to my Mill by his daughter , which came on horse-backe to haue her corne grownd , intending to haue gone backe againe with it before night : which might very well haue béene doone , sauing that wee Myllers are tyed to this custome , which is , when any young women dooth fortune thus to come to the Mill , wee vse as well to take toule of themselues , as of their sackes : and I , firing mine eyes vpon the wench , séeing her to be a very hansome young Mayden , not aboue ninetéene or twéentie yéeres of age , was very loath to let her escape toule-frée , and th●…refore set downe a plot howe I might acquainte her with our custome : the which I could not by any meanes per●…rme , but by making her to stay all night , wherefore I ●…posly put my Myll out of temper , and spent all the after noone in repayring and trimming of my Myll , and brought her corne to the hopper , when the 〈◊〉 so far passed , that it was not possible it could bee grownd off , tyll it were very late in the night ; But the young Mayden séeing her Corne vppon the Myll , and desirous to haue it home with her , stayed with the better will , the which being once grownd off , notwithstanding the euening was very farre spent , yet shee woulde haue departed home : but I , pretending much good will to her Father , tolde her that if a dogge of her Fathers , were in my house at this time of the night , I would not shutte him forth of the doores for his Maisters sake , much lesse your Fathers daughter : wherefore I will intreate you to stay this night in my house , and you shall haue a homely bed , and a cleane paire of shéetes , with such fare as I hope shall content you , and for your horse , hee shall likewise bee turned into a good pasture fast by my Mill , and in the morning all things shall be ready for you to depart so soone as you please .

The maiden being well perswaded by my faire spéeches , séemed content , and I went to my wife , & tolde her that for as much as my Mill had béene out of temper all the day , I must sit vppe all night to grinde , willing her further to make ready a spare Chamber , for the young Maiden my Neighbours daughter : who had stayed so long for the grinding of her Corne , that it was too late for her to goe home , & willed her , to better our supper with a ca●…on or a dish of chickins , as she her selfe thought good ; But my wife , who many t●…es before had taken the true measure of my foote , and had picked out at her fingers endes the whole drift of my pretence , winking a little with one of her eyes , aunswered smoothly , Husband all shall be doone as you haue willed : & although I had béene suffici●…ntly instructed in this olde Axiome , which sayth , Trust not an olde quean●… , if she once begins to winke : yet by my wiues smooth de●…eanure , I was frée from all suspicion , and contemplating my selfe in hope of my nights happinesse , I neuer had leysure to bethinke me of any precpts of good counsaile : but my wife hauing made all things ready , and that we were called in to such 〈◊〉 as sh●… had prouided , & we likewise hauing ended our supper , I told the young wench , that when she were 〈◊〉 take her rest , my wife should bring her to her Chamber , and wild my wife likewise at her owne leysure to get her to bed , for that I was to watch all night , that I might bee ready in the morning to serue my customers according to my promise : and thus leauing them twayne together , I departed about my busines ; but , my wife that had conceiued the very depth of my deuise , lodged the mayde in her owne bed , and hauing but one other Chamber , which I alwayes reserued for a friend , and where I thought the mayde should haue béene placed , there my wife ●…ily & cunningly lodged her selfe : but I that was more doubtfull of mine own fortune , than suspicious of my wiues practise , perceyuing euery body to bee in bedde , did thinke it nowe high time to make tryall of my pretence , and conueying my selfe featly into the Chamber , and then comming to the bedde side ( with a soft and lowe voyce ) I beganne to perswade thys young Mayden ( as I had thought ) that shée shoulde not stande in doubt or feare of him who was come vnto her onely for good will , whom loue and liking had made bolde and hardie , to request some curtesie and kindnesse at her handes , and heere-withall , throwing one of mine armes ouer her , I beganne to hunte after her lyppes , and to haue bestowed of her a louing kisse .

But my wife , whose cunning had serued her to traine me into this mistaking , could tell howe to be haue her selfe in the rest , to confirme mee in mine error : for , although she would render me no manner of spéeches , whereby I might discouer her by her voice , yet in the rest of her demeanure she counterfeited so cunningly , such a kind of maydenly nycitie , that a man would rather haue taken her for some young ignorant puny , that had neuer dealt the cardes , than for an old beaten gamster , that knewe well enough howe to make the stakes : for although shee knewe what it was whereat I leuelled , and was most desirous to haue had me hit the marke , yet she delayed mee off with a counterfeit kinde of striuing , and would neuer yéelde , tyll seeming for want of breath shee was not able to resist , and then panting ( as it were to take the ayre ) shee seemed to 〈◊〉 ouercome ( as it were ) by force : and 〈◊〉 that was not be●…er able to discerne of Cats in the darke , but that they were all gray , feasted my selfe with a fulsome repast , in steede of a dayntie dish , for blinde conc●…it had gyuen mee an appetite to feede on that dyet , which if I had séene , woulde quickly haue cloyed my stomacke : but hauing well satis-fied my selfe , and that I was now at leysure to looke into mine owne fortune , and considering what perrill might ensue for a little pleasure past , if the wench shoulde fortune to complayne of that one nights lodging fortie wéekes after , the which would not onely redounde to my great shame and reproch , but lyke enough to fall out to my wracke and vtter vndooing , her Father beeing an able and wealthye man , that woulde not let to seeke reuenge ; to preuent these and other mischiefes , I did bethinke me of this deuise .

I had a lusty young fellowe to my man , called Rafe , about the age of foure or fiue and twentie yeeres , whom I had left to sée to my Myll nowe in myne absence : this Companion I knewe woulde be pat for my purpose , and one I was sure that woulde neuer flynch , to spende hys sir pence at his drinke or his dra●…be : and calling to minde an olde president , drawne from one of myne owne coate , I meane , from the Miller that had taught hys man to counterfeit so long , tyll hee was hanged vp in hys Maysters roome , I determined with my selfe likewise , to make mine own man the instrument that should stand betwéene mee and all future mischiefes .

Héere-uppon fayning an occasion to goe looke to my Mill , and taking my leaue for the instant with a kisse , I came where my man was , and questioning with him of many idle matters , amongst the rest I demaunded of him how he lyked of the young mayden ?

Mary Mayster ( sayde hee ) I doo lyke so well of her , that I woulde thinke it a most happie turne for men of our occupation , if all the diuelles of hell were such as she is , because there are very few Millers that doo vse to goe to heauen : and then if hell were no ●…rse furnished tha●… with such , I ●…old not care if I did take my iourney thether-wards to morrowe so soone as it were day .

Why Rafe ( sayd I ) thou knowest where she lyeth in the guest Chamber , & what wilt thou giue me if I turne thee in to her , and giue thee instruction howe thou shalt behaue thy selfe , that shee shall not refuse to render courtesie for thy kindnesse . I coulde scarce make an ende of my wordes , but my man , as if he had stayed too long , hastily aunswered .

Maister , I haue nothing in the world , but a shéepe and a Lambe , which ( as you knowe ) doo goe in the Mill close , perfourme your words , and I 〈◊〉 giue you them both , and that with all my heart .

I reioycing in mine owne conceit , to thinke howe kindly I had coosoned my man , would néedes clappe handes wyth him for the better confirmance of the bargaine : the which beeing thus agréede on betwéene vs , I wylled him to goe into the Chamber , and without any feare ●…o get to the maydes bed , and there to vse no manner of spéeches , but to worke all his enterprises , but onely by dumbe perswasions .

But will you sée howe cunning was heere caught in his owne nette : I had thought to haue coosoned my man , but he kist me kindly for my acquaintance , and ( according as I had directed him ) into the Chamber he went , where my wife in the darke could no better discerne betwéene me and my man , than I was able before to iudge betwéene her and the maid : but he , vsing no wordes because I had so instructed him , and she forbearing to speake for ●…arring her owne Market , but thus in sylence betwéene them , I was coosoned on both sides , for they agréede so well together , that I thinke they were loath to part , for my man séemed to like so well of hys entertaynment , that the day was ready to breake , before hée would leaue his game . My wife on the other side , in condition like vnto those , that when they haue sped well , cannot keepe their owne counsaile : shee gat her selfe vp immediatly after , and then calling the young maiden , who had slept quietly all night , knowing nothing how matters had passed amongst vs , and the day light being by this time a little cleared vp , betwéen my man 〈◊〉 I we sette her vpon her horse , with her sacke of meale vnder her : and she gyuing me harty thanks for my curtesie , departed thus towards her Fathers house .

Héere beganne Rafe and I againe to recreate our selues with the remembrance of our nights pleasure , I smild in my ●…éeue to think how I had cosoned my man : my man laughed to remember how he had deceiued the maide : and béeing thus together in the midst of our sports , in comes my Wife , séeming by her countenaunce to be as merry as the best , and taking me by the hand , she prayed me to goe in with her , I thinking she had somewhat to say , comming into the house , shee had prouided for my breakefast a warme caudle daintilie made , with a couple of Chickins rosted , and stoode hote vppon the Table . I that sawe this extraordinary diet , meruailing what conceite was gotte into her head : asked her what myght be the cause of thys her suddaine kindnesse : she that lookt me in the face as wantonly as if she had come lately where the frolike had runne rounde about the house , aunswered me thus .

By r lady husband you haue taken paynes to night , and I perceiue you are not yet so farre ouer spent , but that you are worth the cherishing : you haue deserued a better breakfast then thys : for he that hath watcht as you haue doone all night , had neede be well comforted in the morning . These suspicious words thus deliuered by my wife , brought mee well neere into the fitte of an Ague : but beeing desirous to be better satis-fied in her meaning , I said .

And what paynes haue I taken thys night , more then I haue doone at other tymes ? I haue watched manie a night before thys , when I found no such kindnes at your hande in the morning .

Husband ( said shee ) how so euer you haue watched in times past , I know not , but this nights labor hath deserued no lesse then a comfortable 〈◊〉 , and in st●…d of Potato rootes , I haue made you a warme Caudle next your hart : be not ashamed man of that you haue doon●… , for it was I that supplyed the young wenche ●…lace night in the guest Chamber , and it was you that came thether and playde the propper man . But I thinke husband , how soeuer you haue ouer-reached me before , I haue cryed quittance with you to night . And nowe comfort your selfe whilst your meate is warme , plucke vppe your stomake and fall to your breakfast .

I that was not able with patience to endure her words , bursting out in choller , saide . The deuill take thée and thy breakefast , for thou hast giuen me a breakfast and a dynner to , that will stick in my stomacke whilst I liue . And going my way in this chafe into my Myll , where my man perceiuing my suddaine passion , demaunded of me the cause of my vnquietnes ? Uilaine ( said I ) thy selfe art the cause why I am thus perplexed , for thou hast lyne with my Wife : I Maister ( sayd he ) you are much deceiued , and I protest I would not doo you so much ●…rong , for so much corne as wold fill the Hopper .

Thou hast doone it ( sayd I ) for she hath confest it vnto me , and it was she that did lye to night in the outer Chamber in the young wenches roome . That was more then I knew of ( sayd my man , ) but sith it was so , I will haue my Sheepe and my Lambe againe , for the bargaine was betweene vs , that you should haue sent me in to the Maide , and I vppon thys condition , promised you my Sheepe & my Lambe , but sith you haue broke your promise , by Saint Anne I will not stand to my bargaine .

These speeches of thys varlet , dyd more vexe and grieue me then before : and yet I wist not how I should be reuenged , nor better remedy could I deuise , but after I had freated my fill , I commaunded the knaue to take his shéepe and his Lambe , and presently to gette him out of my seruice , nor neuer after to come within my doores , nor into any other place in my wiues company .

Thys gaule of griefe continually fretting and gnawing in my conscience , myght haue beene thought a sufficient punishment though Rigore hymselfe had pronounced the sentence : but my terrestiall penaunce not enough to appease the angry Goddes , they haue decreed thys finall conclusion : that as I was the author of myne owne harmes by myne owne blindnesse , so mine owne hornes shall for euermore so grow in myne owne light , that béeing not able to discerne which way or how to direct my steppes , I should wander in this solitary place , bereft of all other societie , and so to continue world without end .

The Woman that stoode by all thys whyle , and had gyuen attentiue eare to thys discourse , striken as it shold séeme into some remorse , vpon what consideration I know not , but thus she sayd .

Alas poore Myller , if thy punishment be so greeuous for a small escape ignorantly committed , woe is mee to be-thinke what shall betide to an infinite number that are dailie infected with thys common calamitie , this horne-plague I meane , the generall sicknes of our time : a maladie that hath so much infected both Citty , Towne , and Country , that there are few places free , which are not spiced heere & there , with this forked generation : amongst the which there be a number of honest Gentlemen , some of them my verie good fr●…nds and customers , whose hornes doth hang so much in theyr own lights , that they are well contented to suffer theyr wiues to pranke themselues vp in euery new fashion , wherby to set themselues to sale , & to make open show how lightly they are disposed : but the horne-plague shal neuer depart his house , that hath his wife so garishly inclined .

But alas for pitty , what shall become of a number of kind harted Wittoles , that will not onely be contented to hoode winke themselues from theyr Wiues adulteries , but also to become Bawdes and Brokers , yea and sometimes will not sticke to keepe the doores , whilst their Wiues shall bee within , playing the harlots wyth theyr customers .

Blame not me that am touched with some remorse , for these be the people that I doe liue by , for what shoulde I doe with my new-●…ed trashe , if there were not as lycencious Women to buy them ? And why should they 〈◊〉 themselues so Curtisan-like to the view of the world , but to mani●…est their vnchast appetites , that they might be the rather desired of men .

The woman had no sooner ended these spéeches , but she as suddainly burst out into such a vehement laughter , that for the time , she was not able to deliuer a word : but in the end , with much a doe , recouering the vse of her tongue , shée sayd : Now truely I cannot chuse but laugh to think of my husbande , howe ill fauoured he will looke with such a payre of spectakles hanging ouer hys browes as thys Myller hath gotte .

Wée that stoode by , and were more mindfull to see an end of our trauailes then disposed to prolong the time in idlenes : I asked of the Miller if he did knowe where abouts the place of Purgatory was , or if he could giue vs any direction which way we myght gette thither , he answered thus .

My good Freendes , what soeuer you be , you shall vnderstande , that thirtie yeeres and odde are already ouer passed sith I first frequented these infernall pathes , in which meane space , though I haue not been able to discerne mine owne footesteppes , yet by the reports of sundry trauailers that hath passed these waies , I haue learned thus much concerning Purgatory .

The persons that were the first founders of the place , were not perfectly sighted , but like as the Owle which cannot abide the light of the Sunne , flyeth euermore in the night , so those men , not able to endure that excellent brightnesse which is the onely true light to euery perfect vnderstanding , framing all theyr platformes in obscuritie and darknesse , amongst other idle inuentions , woulde needes take vppon them the building of Purgatorie . The place where they had seated it , was so obscured with such fogges and filthy mystes , that no man that had the perfect vse of hys wittes , was euer able to find the situation . The foundation wheron it was layd , was lyes and foolish fantasies , the rest of the 〈◊〉 buildings , was dreames and doting deuises . All the whole edifice , was of such lyght and rotten stuffe , that after they had beene two or thrée hundred yéeres patching & peecing it together , a poore silly Swaine naked and thred bare , called Trueth , blowing against the building but with a little blast of breath , the gale was of such force against it , that the whole matter & substance , together with the Founders , Patrons , Proctors , Protectors & Defenders , were al blown immediatly into Hell : so that who soeuer he be that séeketh for Purgatory , there hee shall be sure to finde it : and for these thirty yeeres that I haue wandred in these places , there neuer came any to enquire after it but madde men and fooles .

Why then sayd I ( to our companion that stoode by with hys Candle , ) I perceiue you had some reason to bring light with you when you came to séeke Purgatory , sith the place is so darke and so daintie to be found . But nowe you know assuredly where you may finde it , your Candle will stand you in some steede to light you to Hell .

Hée breaking out into sundry passions , some-times raging against the Myller , saying that he was but an ignorant and a lying Heretique : then calling to his memory the long tyme he had spent in seeking of Purgatory , hee beganne as vehemently to rayle against the Pope , and as bitterly to exclaime against hys Iesuites and Seminaries , that had promised to instruct hym in the high way to Heauen , and directlie sent him the verie next way to Hell .

In these angry fittes hee blewe out hys Candle , and throwing it from him , was contented to hold vs companie in the rest of our iourny .

Whilst we were wandering thus together , we had not paced the distance of a furlong , but we might heare the sounde of a Horne , which was blowne with such shrilnesse , that the ●…ho redoubled againe in the ayre , and looking about vs , we might perceiue a farre of , where one came ryding post all in black as fast as his horse was able to fling , and with his quicke speede immediatly passing by vs , wee knewe him by his balde pate and his Coule hanging at hys backe , that he was a fatte squaddy Monke , that had beene well fedde in some Cloyster , who with his great haste was suddainly out of our sights : and we had not trauailed farre , but we might see Hell gates standing wide open , with aboundaunce of people that were flocking out of all quarters , preasing in as thicke , as if in the Terme time they were thronging to Westminster Hall . And presently we might behold a cleere auoydance in the gates , and a multitude comming foorth , with Belles , with Banners , with Torches , with Crosses and with Copes , in a very solemne manner of Procession , singing Salue festa dies .

Wee standing still in a gaze as they passed by , I demanded of one of the traine what myght be the meaning ? Who answered mée that there was a Post newly come from Rome , with newes that the Popes Legate was hard at hand , with some great Cmbassage : and that solemnitie was onely to entertaine him , to shew what reuerence they dyd beare to hys Maister . The thronge that followed was so e●…ding , that we were mightily shouldered to and fro amongst the company , but V●…luet breeches & I , determining to see what would follow , we tooke the one the other by the hand , folowing in the prease til at length this holy Legate was seene where he was comming , so that it was not long but they met . The Legate that was a chuffe-headed Cardinall with a paire of fulsome cheekes , stretched out like one that were playing on a bag-pipe , alighted from his palfry , and presenting himselfe before Lucifer , who was there in place to receiue him , he fel down vpon his knées , praying the Prince of darknesse , to bestow his fatherly benediction vpon the Popes holines , hys thiefe Uicar & Uizegerent vpon earth : the only man that he was especially beholding vnto , who sent him from time to time whole Millions of soules for the increasing of his kingdome : from whom I am sent with matters of much importance to be héere considered of , and whose person in this place I d●… now represent .

Lucifer lyfting vp one of hys pawes , and waging it ouer t●…e Legates head , sayd : That blessing that God gaue vnto Caine for the killing of hys Brother Abel , lyght vppon thy Maister and hys successours for euer . Then taking hym by the arme , he sayd .

Stand vppe , for considering whose Embassadour thou art , it were an embacing to thine estate , if thou shouldest shew any signe of humility or lowlines . Thou d●…st héere represent the person of Antechrist , whose pride coulde neuer yet surrender it selfe to any manner of obedience , I will not therefore in this place that any thing be imbeiseled , that might derogate the least dignity from that Chayre of pe●…ilence , I meane the holy Sea of Rome .

Then was there brought foorth a most stately Chayre , which was prepared of purpose , in which Chayre Ambition and Pryde hauing placed the Cardinall , olde Ignorance and young Obstinacy , ( the one blind , the other froward , ) taking it vpon theyr shoulders , as if the Pope himselfe were carried in his Pontificalibus , and then a rich & sumptuous Canapie béeing spred ouer him , and borne by foure supporters , which were , Idolatry , Hipocrisie , Heresie , and Blasphemy , thus in this pompious manner ( beeing placed in the Procession next Lucifer himselfe ) they returned to Hell , whose gates I noted to be so large and spacious , that a Princes Army though it were martialed in any proportion of battayle , with Fyllets , Troupes and Winges , might well haue marched in without any manner of dysorder . And although the inner roomes did so excéede in greatnes , that it passeth humaine reason to conceiue of them aright , yet he that should behold the aboundance of people that resorte thether daily , and the infinite number that are there to be séene flocking in euerie corner therof , wold more wonder to thinke what place could so containe them .

Béeing thus come into Hell , they went to the Chappel , where Pope Hildebrand the first founder of Trasubstantiation was ready to say Masse , the which béeing ended , Sathan ( who can in no wise endure the deferring of matters that dooth concerne his owne estate , went immediatly into the Conuocation house , where calling about him a most abhominable company of Popes , Cardinals , Bishops , Pryors , Abbots , and other Clergy men , that hath beene for this foure or fiue hundred yéeres , still of his priuie Counsaile , the Legate was willed to deliuer the effect of his message , who making hys entrance with a breefe Oration , tending to the commendation of the Popes carefulnesse , how many stratagemes he had endeuoured against Englande , Fraunce , and Ireland , for the better establishing of the Kingdome of Antechrist in those places : and he was nowe to let them vnderstand , first for England . Where he had thought to haue accomplished hys purposes by the meanes of his Iesuites and Seminaries , whom he sent thether in flockes , to ●…drawe the people from theyr obedience , to styrre them to sedition , rebellion and vprore : to practise treasons against theyr Soueraigne , yea and to vndertake many horrible enterprises against the person of the Prince , whom God hath stil mightilie defended , not onely preseruing her from their traiterous practises , but likewise hath so reuealed the conspiracies of the practisers , that from time to time they haue béen still apprehended , and so sent to Tyburne , to say In manus tuas .

Béeing therefore exempted from all manner of hope to find any good successe in these former platformes , his Holinesse craueth your Hellish instructions , what course hee might now follow for the recouery of that Country .

For Fraunce , it would aske a long time héere to be dyscoursed , what trecheries , what treasons , what mischieues , what murthers , and what massacres hys Holines hath there from time to time effected : and although hee hath now stirred vppe hys vassaile the King of Spayne , who hath from the dignitie of a magnificent Prince , surrendred himselfe to become a slaue to the Pope , to come and goe as he appoints him , and to be the executor of all his damnable deuises , and hath hys forces nowe in that Countrey , in the assistance of Traytors and Rebels , against theyr naturall Prince and lawfull King : yet hys Holines can haue no assured hope to suppresse the light of the Gospell retayned among●… them , or vtterly to subuert the professors of it , without some diuellish deuise , platted and contriued from this infernall pitte of hell .

Nowe lastly for Ireland , if that Countrey might still bee continued in that state as it now standeth , there were many hopes to be expected , not necessary in this place to bee openly reuealed : for although the naturall people of that Countrey , ( yea euen in the most barbarous places ) be of themselues very zealously inclyned , & without all peraduenture , would casily be drawn ●…o the true knowledge and worship of God , if they had such a Minister amongst them , as might instruct them , aswell i●… wholesome doctrine , as in good example of l●…e : but the 〈◊〉 so well prouided for the place , that the whole Country ●…ooth swarme with Iesuits , Seminaries , and massing Priests , yea , and Fryers , that haue recourse into Dublyne it selfe , and these doo kéepe such a continuall and daylie buzing in the poore peoples eares , that they are not onely ledde from all duety and obedience of theyr Prince , but also drawne from God by superstitious Idolatrie , and so brought headlong by heapes into hell : for through the whole Countrey , the people are so confidently perswaded in the doctryne of Antechrist , that they thinke our Lord will doo nothing without the mediation of our Lady , of Mary , or of Iohn . And to speak truly of the Clergy of that Realme , if there be one that séeketh to vpholde the glory of God , there is ten for that one that séeketh to vpholde the kingdome of Antechrist ; neyther is it to be doubted , but that there be some fewe , which both in preaching and lyuing sheweth all sinceritie and godlynesse of life : but there be a number of others , which neither say nor doo , neither preach well , nor liue well . Some other there be that now and then will get vp into a Pulpit , and there they will spend an howre , chyding against the Pope in the course of their speaking , and they are no sooner come down but they will de●…e God himselfe halfe a yéere after , in the manner of theyr lyuing : and this example of theyr vngodly behauiour , is no little corrasiue to weake consciences , that doo beholde their wickednes . For what is it for a Clergy man , be he Parson , be he Vicar , be he Deacon , be he Archdeacon , be he Byshop , be he Archbishop , or let him be what he wil , if he be one that will rather endeuour himselfe to fléece his flocke than to feed it , that hath not so much care of the children of God , committed to his charge , which he suffereth dayly to perish : as he hath to prouyde marriages for his own children , in theyr very infancie , and when they are vnder age : that dooth builde houses , and purchase rents by corruption , extortion , and briberie , that dooth eat and drinke the sinnes of the ignorant people dayly at his table : that will not admit of a pardon from the Pope , yet dares not bée without fiue or six seuerall pardons from the Prince , for treason , for murther , for theft , for robbery , for conspyracy , for confederacy , for rasyng , for forging , for extortion , for bryberie , and for many other filthy matters , shamefull to be spoken off , were it not before this haggish assembly : and what though from a base and beggerly parentage , he could shewe himselfe lofty in minde , lofty in lookes , and lofty in all the rest of his demeanures : Would not such a Prelate be fit for the deuilles Chappell ? The Legat had no sooner made an end of these latter words , but in comes Dick Tarlton , apparrelled like a Clowne , and singing this péece of an olde song .

If this be trewe as true it is , Ladie Ladie : God send her life may mend the misse , Most deere Ladie .

This suddaine iest brought the whole company into such a vehement laughter , that not able agayne to make them kéepe silence , for that present ty●…e they were faine to breake vppe : and as Veluet breeches and I were walking arme in arme through the prease , wee fortuned to méete with Commens , one that some fewe yéeres agoe , had béene a Sargeant in London , who no sooner espyed Veluet breeches , but hee got vp a fire-brand , wherewith he gaue hym such a stroake ouer the shoulders , that the coales flewe all about the place . Veluet breeches againe vppe with his fist , and gaue hym such a blowe vnder the eare , that had lyke to haue stryken him ouer : with this they closed , and beganne to pommell one an other as fast as theyr fists coulde walke , the company that stoode by beganne to cry Clubbes , Clubbes , Clubbes , and immediatly they came rushing in about vs , wyth ●…lesh-hookes , with Coale rakes , wyth Fyre-forckes , and with such other furniture , as a man would haue thought were all come out of a Kytchin : and wyth some little a-doe they parted the fray , and the partyes were presently by the Officers brought before Lucifer , and I beeing a straunger in the place , was lykewise carryed with them for company : where Commens be●…ing charged to bee the first Authour of the broyle , in his owne excuse rendred this reason .

I was ( sayde hée ) sometimes an Officer vnder the Sheriffes of London , and beeing féede by a Towns man to arrest Veluet breeches , I was brought vnto him where hée was in a Barbers shoppe , sitting with a Bason before hym , full of sopie water , wherewith the Barber was rubbing hys chéekes , and dashing of hym about the lippes , and I seeing hym thus in trymming , thought of curtesie to forbeare the dooing of myne offyce , tyll the Barbar had ended his businesse , and setting my selfe downe without any worde speaking , Veluet breeches by chaunce espying my Mace vnder my Gowne , suspecting a-ryght the cause of my comming , suddaynelie ( before I was a-ware of hym ) threwe all the water so directly in my face , that the Sope getting into myne eyes , did so smart and grieue mee , that for my life I was not able to holde them open : But whilst I stoode starke blinde for the tyme , wyping and rubbing of myne eyes , Veluet breeches packt himselfe out of the doores , that I could neuer after come where hee was tyll thys present , and I vowed then to bee reuenged of him the next time that euer I sawe him : and I am now to craue the priuiledge of the place , for it is directly against our auncient custome , that there should be any quarrels or controuersies taken vp héere , or that there should be found any peace-makers in hell : with this the whole multitude began to growe into an vprore , and they fell immedia●…lie to taking of parts : and first there stood vp in Commens behalfe , a great number of cruell creditors , crafty Lawyers , Merchants , Retaylers , S●…ners , Broakers , and a most shamefull and filthy company of vsurers .

Veluet breeches on the other side , he wanted no friends , for there were a great many that knew him : and those that tooke hys part , were swashers , swearers , whore-maisters , théeues , robbers , ruffyans , roysters , and coosoners .

As they were growing into this commotion amongst themselues , there were gathered together an infinite number of Cony-catchers , which came to take part with Veluet breeches : who séeing me to stand by , they beganne to growe into confused exclamations against mée , some saide , let vs teare the villaine in péeces , that hath written so many bookes against vs : other sayde , let vs fley of his skinne , and cut the the 〈◊〉 from his bones in small gobbets , that hath so manifested the secrets of our trade and profession , to the world : some other sayde , let vs cut the tongue out of his head , and put out both his eyes , that hath béene an enemie to the arte of Cony-catching , and hath so shamefully inueyed against the practises ; Then came there foorth an infinite number of women Cony-catchers , and they sware they would geld me , for marring theyr Market , and hindering them of theyr taking . Thus was I threatned on all sides , euery man stoode wondering at mée , no man to take my part : But Lucifer perceiuing the cause of their griefes , by the manner of their clamors , & willing to appease their passions with any punishment , commaunded mee presently to bee thrust foorth of hell gates and charging me so to remaine a restlesse spirite , wandering through the world , and neuer after to make any returne agayne to that place .

Thus for the writing of bookes , I was first banished from Heauen for my ouer much parciallitie , and nowe exiled from hell , for my too much plainnesse : I remayne now ( as I haue tolde you ) a walking spyrite , restlesse and remedilesse to wander through the world ; I woulde therefore wish my friends to beware howe they walke late a nights , for I will bee the maddest Gobline , that euer vsed to walke in the Moone-shine . For I will sometimes bee a spirite of the Buttery , and I will so intoxicate their heades , that doo frequent the places of my haunt , that at night they shall not be able to find the way to their beds , tyll they haue taken their first sleepe on the flore .

Sometimes I will bee Robin Goodfellowe , and will méete with a wanton wench in a darke corner , and let her blesse and crosse her selfe as well as she can , I will put her in such a bodily feare , that for fortie wéekes after , shee shall thinke that young bugges are crawling in her belly .

Sometimes I will shew such dreames & vysi●…ns to women whilst they be sleeping , that they shall make theyr Husbands Cu●…ds when they are waking .

Sometimes I will trans-forme my selfe into diuers shapes , and will walke through all trades , all 〈◊〉 , and all occupations , and some I will infect with the spirite of Auarice , some with miserie , some with deceipt and all manner of subtiltie , that they shall leaue no practise vnsought for , whereby to rake and gather pelfe , to leaue to theyr heyres , that the olde Prouerbe might bee verified : Happy are those children , whose Fathers goe to the deuill .

In the Tearme time , I will be in Westminster hall amongst the Lawyers , whome I will make so capable in the quyllityes of the Lawe , that they shall coosen twentie Clyents of theyr coyne , before they will bring one to an ende of hys cause ; and will not sticke nowe and than to get me vp to the bench , amongst the Iudges themselues , to let them tast a little of the swéetnesse of corruption .

You may easily thinke that I meane to frequent the Court , where I will oppose my selfe a professed enemi●… against Good desart , and let him come thether and pl●…e his many yéeres seruice in the warres : let him shew his 〈◊〉 and maymes , gotten in his Countreys defence : let 〈◊〉 signifie his time and patr●…ony spent in his Princes quarrell , to maintayne himselfe , and to reléeue such as were about him : or let him pretend many other indeuours , in the seruice of hys Soueraigne , that might worthily mooue a fauourable con●…eration , if there shall bee founde one that will affoorde him a fauourable looke , or a comfortable sp●…ch , there shall be two for that one to requite him with disdainfull countenance , and churlish checkes .

I will not tell all , howe grieuous I will be to Largesse and Lyberallitie , nor how miserable I will shew my selfe in shutting vp of the Prin●… bountie : Let this suffice , hée that shall become a Suter at the Court , without golde in his purse to ●…ée a brybing Groome , let him looke for small grace in his sutes : for I will strike such a deafenesse into the eares of the Clarkes and Secretaries , appertayning to great men , that when a penylesse Suter comes vnto them with cap and curtesie , they shal not vnderstand what the ●…oole meaneth , nor be able to heare one worde that he speaketh , without a bribe . I might marre all if I should tell all , how I ment to be stirre my selfe amongst the Courtiers of all sorts , but they say , Enough is as good as a Feast .

The Cleargy must not thinke to escape me scotfrée , for I must néedes be acquainted with these double beneficed men , and wil many times conuerse with such as be Non residents ; and sometimes I will get vp into the Pulpit and preach , but you may easily discerne mée , for my text shall be , Doo as I say , but not as I doo ; My conclusion is , Good friends take heede how you come in those places where I walke , for you may perceiue I am bent vpon mischiefe , I can but therefore wish you to looke to your selues : and so fare you well .

FINIS .