A quip for an vpstart courtier: or, A quaint dispute betvveen veluet breeches and clothbreeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all estates and trades.

A quip for an vpstart Courtier .

IT was iust at that time when she Cuckeulds querister beganne to bewray Aprill Gentlemen with his neuer changed notes , that I damped with a melancholy humor , went into the fields to cleere vp my wittes with the fresh aire : where solitarie séeking to sollace my selfe I fell in a dreame , and in that drowsie slumber , I wandered into a vale all tapistred with sweet and choice flowers , ther grew many simples whose vertues taught me to be subtill and to thinke nature by hir wéedes warnd men to be wary and by their secret properties to checke wanton and sensuall imperfections . Amongst the rest , there was the yellow daffadil , a flowre fit for gelous Dottrels , who through the bewtie of their honest wiues grew suspitious , Daffadil for dotrels that are gelous . & so proue themselues in the end cuckhold Heretikes , there budded out the checkerd ( Paunsie ) or party coloured Harts ease an herbe sieldome seene , either of such men as are wedded to shrews or of such women as haue hastie husbandes : yet there it grew , and as I stept to gather it , it slipt from me like Tantalus fruit that failes their maister . At last , woondring at this secret qualitie , I learned that none can weare it , bee they kings , but such as desire no more then they are borne to , nor haue their wishes aboue their fortunes . Fennel womens weed . Vppon a banke bororing by grew womens weeds , Fenell I mean for flatterers , fit generally for that Sex , sithe while they are maidens , they wish wantonly : while they are wiues they will wilfully , while they are widowes , they woulde willinglie : and yet all these proude desires , are but close dissemblings . Neere adioining sprouted out the Courtiers comfort , Time for wise men if they would Time : An herb that many stumble on and yet ouerslip , whose ranke sauor and thicke leaues , haue this peculiar propertie , to make a snaile if she taste of the sappe as swift as a swallow , yet ioined with this preiudice , that if she clime too hastilie , she fals too suddenly . Methought I saw diuers yong courtiers tread vpon it with high disdain , but as they past away , an Adder lurking there bit them by the heeles that they wept : and then I might perceiue certaine clownes in clowted shoone gather it , and eate of it with greedinesse : which no sooner was sunke into theyr mawes , but they were metamorphosed , and lookt as proudly though pesants , as if they had beene borne to bee princes companions .

Amongst the rest of these changelings whom the tast of time had thus altred , there was some that lifted their heads so hie , as if they had beene bred to look no lower then stars , they thought Noli altum sapere was rather the saieng of a foole , then the censure of a Phylosopher , & therfore stretch themselues on their tiptoes , as if they had beene a kindred to the lord Tiptost , and began to disdain their equals , scorn their inferiours , Lord Tiptost a proud & insolent Earle raised by Edwar. 4. and euen their betters , forgetting nowe that time had taught them to say masse , how before they had plaid the Clarks part to say Amen to the priest . Tush , then they were not so little as Gentlemen , and their owne conceipt was the Herald to blason their discent , from an olde house , whose great grandfathers would haue bin glad of a new cottage to hide their heads in . Yet as the peacock wrapt in the pride of his beauteous feathers is knowne to be but a dunghill bird by his foule feet : so though the high lookes and costly sutes argue to the eies of the world they were Caualiers of great worship , yet the churlish illiberalitie of their minds , bewraid their fathers were not aboue thrée pounds in the kings bookes at a subsidye , but as these vpstart changelings went strouting like Philopo Limarchides the beagart in Plautus , they lookt so proudlye at the same , that they stumbled on a bed of Rue , that grew at the bottome of the banke where the Time was planted , which fall vpon the deaw of so bitter an herbe , taught them that such proud peacocks as ouer hastilie out runne their fortunes at last to speedily , fall to repentance , and yet some of them smild and said Rue was called Her be grace , which though they scorned in their youth , they might weare in their age , and it was neuer too late to saye Miserere . As thus I stood musing at this time borne broad , they vanisht away like Cadmus copesmates , that sprang vppe of vipers teeth , so that casting mine eie aside after them , I saw where a crew of all estates were gathering flowers , what kinde they were of I knew not , but pretious , I gest them in that they pluckt them with greedienes , so that I drew towards them , to be partaker of their profites , comming néerer , I might see the weed they so wrangled for , was a little dapper flowre , like a grounde Hunmsuckle , called thrift , Thrift the herb that al men seeke after . praised generally of all , but practised for distillation , but of fewe amongst the crue that seemed couetous of this hearbe , there was a troope of old graibeards in veluet , sattin , and worsted iackets , that stooped as nimbly to pluck it vppe by the rootes , as if their ioynts had beene suppeled in the oile of misers skins , they spared no labour and paines to get and gather , Old churles prouide oftentimes for vnthrifty children . and what they got they gaue to certaine yong boies and girles that stoode behind them , with their skirtes and laps open to receiue it : among whom some scattered it as fast as their fathers gathered it , wasting and spoiling it at their pleasure which their fathers got with labour .

I thought them to be some Herbalists or some Apothecaries that had imploied such paines to extract some rare quintessence out of this floure , but one standing by told me they were Cormorants and vserers , that gathered it to fill their cofers with , & wherto , quoth I , is it pretious ? what is the vertue of it ? marry , quoth he , to qualify the heat of insatiable mindes that like the serpent Dipsas neuer drinketh enough till they are so full they burst , whye then saide I the Deuill burst them all , and with that I fell into a great laughter ,

Yong nouices , cou●t●●●s , and vpsta●●s scorn th●●●t .

Whores consume mens th●●●t .

to see certain Italianate Cantes , humorous Caualiers , youthfull Gentlemen , and Inonerati gagliardi , that scornefully pluckt of it , and wore it a while as if they were wery of it , and at last left it as to base a flower to put in their nosegaies . Others that seemed Homini di grandi stina by their lookes and their walkes gathered earnestlie and did pocket it vp as if they ment to keepe it carefullie , but as they were carrieng it away , there met them a troop of nice wantons , faire women that like to Lamiae , had faces like Angels , eies like stars , brests like the golden front in the Hesperides , but from the middle downwardes theyr shapes like serpents . These with Syrenlike allurement so entised these quaint squires , that they bestowed al their flowers vpon them for fauours , they themselues walking home by beggars bush for a pennance . Amongst this crew were Lawyers ,

Lawiers get all .

Poets nothing .

and they gathered the Deuill and all , but poore Poets were thrust backe and could not be suffered to haue one handfull to put amongst their withered garlands of baies , to make them glorious . But Hob and Iohn of the countrey they stept in churlishly , in their high start-vps , and gathered whole sackefuls : insomuch they wore beesoms of Thrift in their Hats like forehorsses , or the lusty Gallants in a Morrice dance : Pesants hunt for profit . séeing the true thus to wrangle for so paltry a weed , I went alone to take one of all the other fragrant flowers that diapred this valley therby I saw the Batchelers buttons , whose vertue is to make wanton maidens weepe when they haue worne it fortye weekes vnder their Aprons for a fauour .

Next them grew the dissembling daisie , to warne suche light of loue wenches not to trust euery faire promise that such amorous Batchelers make them , but sweete smels bréed bitter repentance . Hard by grew the true louers primrose , Men should be faithfull women courteous . whose kind sauour wisheth men to bee faithfull and women courteous . Alongst in a border grew maidenhair fit for modest maidens to behold , and immodest to blush at , bicause it praiseth the one for their naturall Tresses , and condemneth the other for their beastly and counterfeit Periwigs , there was the gentle gilliflower that wiues should weare if they were not too froward ; and loiall Lauendar , but that was full of Cuckoe-spits , to shewe that womens light thoughts make their husbandes heauie heads : there were sweet Lillies Gods plentie , which shewed faire Virgins néed not wéepe for wooers , and store of balme which could cure strange wounds , onely not that wound which women receiue when they loose their maidenheads , Virginitie lost is incurable . for no hearbe hath vertue ynough to scrape out that blot and therfore it is the greater blemish . Infinit were the flowers beside that beautified the valie , that to know their names and operations I néeded some curious herball , but I passe them ouer as néedlesse , sith the vision of their vertues was but a dreame , and therefore I wish no man to hold any discourse herein authenticall , yet thus much I must say for a parting blow , that at the lower end of the dale I saw a great many of women vsing high words to their husbandes , some striuing for the bréeches , other to haue the last word , some fretting they could not find a rush in a straw , others striuing whether it were wooll or haire the gote bare : questioning with one that I met why these women were so cholericke , he like a skoffing fellow pointed to a bush of nettles , I not willing to bee satisfyed with signes , asked him what hee meant thereby , Mary ( quoth he ) all these women that you heare brawling frowning and skolding thus , haue seuerally pist on this bush of nettles , and the vertue of them is to force a woman that waters them to be as peeuish for a whole day and as waspishe as if she had bene stung in the browe with a hornet . Well , I smilde at this , and left the company to seeke further , when in the twinckling of an eye I was left alone , the vallie cleered of all company , and I a distressed man desirous to wander out of that solitarie place to séeke good consorts and boone companions to passe away the day withall . As thus I walked forward , looking vp the hill I was driuen halfe into a mase with the imagination of a strange woonder which fell out thus : Me thought I sawe an vncouth headlesse thing come pacing downe the hil stepping so proudly with such a geometricall grace , as if some artificiall bragant had resolued to measure the world with his paces : I could not descry it to be a man , although it had motion , for that it wanted a body , yet seeing legges and hose I supposed it to bée some monster nourisht vp in those desarts , at last as it drue more nigh vnto mée , I mighte perceiue that it was a very passing costlye payre of Veluet bréeches , whose paynes béeing made of the cheefest Neapolitane stuffe , was drawne out with the best Spanish sattin , and maruellous curiouslye ouer whipte with Golde twist , interseamed with knottes of Pearle , the Neatherstocke was of the purest Granado Silke , no cost was spared to set out these costlye breeches , who had gyrte vnto them a Rapyer and Dagger gylt , point pendaunt , as quayntlye as if some curious Florentine had trickte them vp to square it vp and downe the streetes before his Mistresse . As these Breeches were exceeding sumptuous to the eye , so were they passing pompous in their gestures , for they strowted vp and downe the Vallye as proudelye as though they had there appointed to act some desperat combat .

Blame mée not if I were driuen into a muse with this most monstrous sighte to sée in that place such a straunge headlesse Courtier ieatting vp and downe like the Vsher of a Fense-schoole about to playe his Pryse , when I deeme neuer in any age such a woonderfull obiecte fortunee vnto any man before . Well , the greater dumpe this Noueltye draue mée into , the more desire I hadde to see what euente would followe : wherevpon looking about to sée if that any more company would come , I might perceiue from the top of the other hill an other payre of Bréeches more soberlye marching , and with a softer pace , as if they were not too hastie , and yet woulde keepe promise neuerthelesse at the place appoynted . As soone as they were come into the vallie , I sawe they were a plaine payre of Cloth breeches , without eyther welt or garde , straight to the thigh , of white kersie , without a sloppe , the neather stocke of the same , sewed to aboue the knée , and onely seamed with a little couentrie blew , such as in Diebus illis our great grandfathers wore , when neighbourhoode and hospitalitie had banished Pride out of England . Nor were these plain breeches weaponlesse , for they had a good sower bat with a pike in the end , able to lay on load inough , if the hart were answerable to the weapon , and vpon this staffe pitcht downe vpon the grounde , Clothbreeches stoode solemnly leaning , as if they meant not to start , but to annswer to the vtteraunce whatsoeuer in that place might be obiected . Looking vpon these two , ( might perceiue by the pride of the one , and homely resolution of the other , that this their meeting would grow to some dangerous conflict , and therefore to preuent the fatall issue of such a pretended quarell , I stept betwéene them both , when Veluet breeches greeted Cloth breeches with this salutation . Proud and insolent pesant , how darest thou withoute leaue or lowe reuerence presse into the place w●ether I am come for to disport my selfe ? Arte thou not a friend ? thy high presumption shoulde sauour to displeasure , and so force me drawe my rapyer , which is neuer vnsheathed but it turns into the scabberd with a tryumph of mine enimies blood : bold bayard auaunt , beard me not to my face , for this tyme I pardon thy follie , and graunte thy legges leaue to carry away thy life . Clothbreeches nothing amased at this brauado , bending his staffe as if hee meant ( if he were wronged ) to bestow his benison , with a skorneful kind of smiling made this smooth replie : Mary gyp goodman vpstart , who made your father a gentleman , so●te fire makes swéet mault , the curstest Cowe hath the shortest hornes , and a brawling curre of all bites the least , alas good sir , are you so fine that no man may be your fellow , I praye you what difference is betweene you and me but in the cost and the making , though you be neuer so richly daubde with goulde and powdered with Pearle , yet you are but a case for the buttockes , and a couer for the basest parte of a mans bodye no more than I , the greatest preheminence is in the garnishing and thereof you are proud , but come to the true vse we were appointed to , my honor is more than thyne , for I belong to the old antient yeomanrie , yea and gentilitie , the fathers , and thou to a company of proud and vnmannerly vpstarts the sonnes At this , Veluet-breeches stormd and sayd , Why thou beggars brat descended from the reuersion of base pouertie , is thy insolence so greate to make comparison with me , whose difference is as great as the brightnesse of the sunne and the slender lighte of a candle : I ( poore snake ) am sproong from the antient Romans , borne in Italy the mistresse of the world for chiualrie , calde into England from my natiue home ( wher I was famous ) to honour your courtiers and yoong gentlmen here in England with my countenaunce , where I am holden in high regard , that I can presse into the presence when thou poore soule shalt with cap and knee begge leaue of the Porter to enter , and I sit and dine with the Nobilitie , when thou art faine to wait for the reuersion of the almes basket : I am admitted boldly to tell my tale , when thou art fayne to sue by means of supplication , The more is the pitie . and that and thou to so little regarded , that most commonly it neuer comes to the Princes hand , but dies imprisoned in some obscure pocket : Sith then there is such difference betweene our estates , cease to vrge my patience with thy insolent presumption . Clothbréeches as bréefe as he was proud , swore by the pike of his staffe , that his choplogicke was not woorth a pinne , and that hée would turne his owne weapon into his bosome thus , Why signior Glorioso ( quoth he ) though I haue not such glosing phrases to tricke out my spéeches withall as you , yet I wil come ouer your fallowes with this balde rhethoricke : I pray you Mounsier Malapart are you therefore my superiour because you are taken vp with Gentlemen , and I with the yeomanrie ? Doth true vertue consist in riches ▪ or humanitie in wealth ? is auntient honour tied to outwarde brauerie ? or is not rather true Nobilitie , a mind excellently qualified with rare vertues ? I will teach thée a lesson woorth the hearing , proud princkocks , how Gentilitie firste sprung vp , I will not forget the old wiues logicke , When Adam delvd and Eue span , who was then a Gentleman ? but I tell thée after the generall floode that there was no more men vpon the earth but Noe and his thrée sonnes , and that Cham had wickedly discouered his fathers secrets then grew the diuision of estates thus : The church was figured in Sem , Gentilitie in Iapheth , and labour and drudgerie in Cham : Sem being chast and holy , Souldiors & Scholers Gentlemen Iapheth learned and valiaunt , C ham churlish & seruile , yet did not the curse extend so far vpon Cham , nor the blessing vpon Iapheth , but if the one altered his nature , & became either indued with learning or valour he might be a gentleman , or if the other degenerated from his auntient vertues hée might be heald a pesaunt , wherevpon Noe inferred that gentilitie grewe not onely by propagation of nature , but by perfection of qualities : Then is your worship wide that beast of your woorth for your gold and pearle , sith Cucullus non facit Monachum , nor a Veluet slop make a slouen a gentleman : And whereas thou sayst thou wert borne in Italy , and called hither by our courtiers , him may we curse that brought thée first into England , for thou camst not alone but accompanied with a multitude of abhominable vices , hanging to thy bumbast nothing but infectious abuses , as vaine-glory , selfeloue , sodomic , and strange poysonings , wherwith thou hast infected this glorious Iland , yea insolent bragant , thou hast defiled thine own neast , and fatall was the daye of thy byrth , for since the time of thy hatching in Italy , as then famous for chiualry and learning , the imperial state through thy pride hath decayed , and thou hast like the yoong Pellican peckt at thy mothers brest with thy presumption , causing them to lose that their forefathers with true honor conquered , so hast thou bene the ruine of the Roman Empyre , and now fatally art thou come into Englande to attempte héere the like subuersion . Whereas thou doost boast that I am little regarded where thou art highly accounted of , and hast sufferance to presse into the presence , when I am for my simplenesse shut out of dore , I grant thy allegation in part , but not in whole , for men of high wisedome and honor measure not men by the outward shew of brauery , but by the inward woorth and honestie , and so though I am disdained of a few ouerwéening fooles , I am valued as wel as thy selfe with the wise In that thou saist thou canst speake when I sue by supplication , I graunt it , but the tale thou telst is to the ruin of the poore , for comming into high fauor with an impudent face , what farme is there expirde , whose least thou doost not begge ? what forfeite of penal statutes ? what concealed landes can ouerslip thee ? yea rather than thy brauery should faile begge powling pence for the verye smoke that coms out of poore mens chimnies , shamste thou not vplandish vpstart to heare me discourse thy imperfections , get thée home againe into thy own country , & let me as I was woont liue famous in my natiue home in Englande where I was borne and bred , yea and bearded Caesar thy countriman til he compast the conquest by treason . The right and title in this country base brat ( qd veluet bréeches ) now authoritie fauors me , I am admitted viceroy , & I will make thée do me homage , & confesse that thou holdest thy being and residence in my land from the gratious fauor of my sufferance and with that he laid hold on the hilts of his rapier , and cloth bréeches betooke him to his staffe , when I stepping betwixt them parted them thus , Why what mean ye , wil you decide your controuersie by blowes , when you may debate it by reason , The true bad●e of a iustice . this is a land of peace gouerned by true iusticiaries and honorable magistrats , where you shal haue equitie without partiality , & therfore listen to me & discusse the matter by law , your quarel is , whether of you are most antient and most worthy , you sir , boast of your country and parentage , he of his natiue birth in England , you claim all , he would haue but his owne , both plead an absolute title of residence in this country , then must the course betwéen you be trespas or disseison of frank tenement , you Veluet bréeches in that you claime the first title you shall be plaintiffe , and plead a trespasse of disseison doone you by Cloth bréeches , so shall it be brought to a iurie , and tried by a verdict of twelue or foure and twentie . Tush , tush , quoth Veluet bréeches , I neither like to be plaintiffe , nor yet allowe of a iurie , for they may be partial , and so condemne me in mine own action , for the country swaines can not value of my woorth nor can mine honors come within the compasse of their base wits , because I am a stranger in this land , & but here lately ariued , they wil hold me as an vpstart & so lightly estéeme of my worthinesse , and for my aduersary is their countriman & lesse chargeable , he shal haue the law mittigated , if a iurie of hinds or pesants should bee impaneled , if antient gentlemen yeomen or plain ministers should be of the quest. I were sure to lose the day because they loath me , in that I haue persuaded so many landlordes for the maintainance of my brauerie to raise their rents . You seeke a knot in a rush ( qd I ) you néed not doubt of that , for whome you distrust & thinke not indifferent , him you vpon a cause manifested , challenge from your iurie . If your law allowe such large fauour ( quoth Veluet bréeches ) I am content my title be tried by a iurie , and therefore let mine aduersarie plead me Nul tort , Nul disseison . Cloth bréeches was content with this , and so they both agreed I shoulde bee iudge and iuror in this controuersie , wherevpon I wisht them to say for themselues what they could , that I might discourse to the iurie what reasons they alleaged of their Titles : then Veluet bréeches began thus . I cannot but gréeue that I should be thus outfast with a carters wéed onely fit for husbandrie , seing that I am the originall of all honourable indeuors : to what end doth yooth bestow their wits on law phisicke , or Theologie , were it not the end they aime at is the wearing of me and winning of preferment , Yet this posie cannot make a man rich . Honor norisheth Art , and for the regard of dignitie doe learned menstriue to exceed in their facultie . Impiger extremos currit Mercator ad indos , Per mare , per saxa , &c. What driues the merchants to séeke forren marts , to venter their goods and hazard their liues ? not , if still the end of their trauel were a paire of cloth bréeches , no veluet costly attire , curious and quaint apparell is the spur that prickes them forward to attempt such daunger . Dooth not the Souldiors fight to be braue , the Lawyer studye to countenaunce himselfe with cost , the artificer take paines onely for my sake that wearing me hee may brag it amongst the best , what credite carries hee now adaies that goes pinde vp in a Cloth bréech , who will keepe him companye that thinkes well of himselfe , vnlesse hee vse the simple slaue to make cleane his shoone , the worlds are changde and men are growne to more wit , and their mindes to aspyre after more honourable thoughts , they were Dunces in diebus illis , they had not the true vse of gentility , and therfore they liued meanly and died obscurely , but now mens capacities are refined , time hath set a new edge on gentlemens humors and they shew them as they should be , not like gluttons as their fathers did in chines of béefe and alms to the pore , but in veluets , sattins , cloth of gold , pearle , yea perle lace , which scarse Caligula wore on his birth day , and to this honorable humor haue I brought these gentlemen since I came from Italy : what is the end of seruice to a man but to countenan e himselfe and credit his maister with braue sutes , then scuruie tapsters & ostlers fex populi fil pots & rub horssehéeles , to pranke themselues with my glory , alas were it not to weare me , why would so many apply themselues to extraordinarie idlenesse ? Beside , I make fools bee reuerenst , and thought wise amongst the common sort , I am a seuere sensor to such as offend the law , prouided there bee a penaltie annexed that may bring in some profit , yea by me the chéefest part of the realme is gouerned , and therefore I referre my title to the verdit of any men of iudgement . To this , mildly Clothbréeches answered thus .

As I haue had alwaies that honest humor in me to measure al estates by their vertues , not by their apparell , so did I neuer grudge at the brauery of any whome byrth , time , place , or dignitie made worthy of such costly ornamentes , but if by the fauour of their Prince and their owne desarts they merited them , I held both lawfull & commendable to answer their degrées in apparell , correspondent vnto their dignities , I am not so precise directly to inueigh against the vse of veluet , either in bréeches or other sutes , nor will I haue men goe like Iohn Baptist , in coates of Camels hair . Let Princes haue their Diadems , and Cesar haue what is due to Cesar , let Noblemen go as their birth requires , and Gentlemen as they are borne or beare office , I speake in mine owne defense , for the antient Gentility and yeomanrie of England , and inueigh against none , but such malapert vpstart as raised vp from the Plough , or aduanced for their Italian deuises , or for their witlesse wealth , couet in brauery to match , nay to exceed the greatest Noblemen in this land .

But leauing this digression mounsier veluet bréeches , againe to the particulars of your fond allegation . Wheras you affirme your selfe to be both originall and finall ende of learning , alas proud princox , you pearch a bowe to hie , did all the Philosophers beate their braines , and busie theyr wits to weare veluet bréeches . Why both at that time thou wert vnknowne , yea vnborne , and all excesse in apparell had in high contempt , and now in these daies all menne of worth , are taught by reading , that excesse is a greate sin : that pride is the first step to the downefall of shame . They study with Tullie , that they may séeme borne for their contreys as well as for themselues . The Deuine to preache the Gospell : the Lawyer to reforme wronges and maintaine iustice : the Physition to discouer the secrets of Gods wonders , by working strange cures : to be briefe , the end of all being , as to knowe God , And not as your worshippe good maister veluet bréeches wrests to creep into acquaintance .

I will not denye , but there be as fantasticall fooles as your selfe , that perhaps are pufte vp with such presuming thoughts , and ambitiously aime to trick themselues in your worships masking sutes : but while such climbe for great honours , they often fall to great shames . It may be therevpon you bring in Honos alit Artes , but I gesse your maistership neuer tried what true honour meant , that trusse it vp within the compasse of a paire of veluet breeches , and place it in the arrogancie of hart , no , no : say honor is idolatry , for they make fooles of themselues , and idols of their carcases : but he that valueth honour so , shall réede a lecture out of Apuleius golden Asse , to learne him more wit . But now sir by your leaue , a blow with your next argument , which is , that marchants hazard their goods and liues to be acquainted with your maistership . Indeed you are awrie for wise men frequent marts for profit not for pride , vnles it be some , that by wearing of veluet bréeches and apparell too high for their calling , haue proud bankerouts in theyr youth , and haue béene glad in their age to desire my acquaintance , and to trusse vppe their tailes in homespunne russet : whereas thou doost obiect the valour of hardy souldiers to growe for the desire of braue apparell . T is false , and I know if any were present , they woulde proue vppon thy bones thou wert a lier : for their countries good , their princes seruice , the defence of their friends , the hope of fauor is the finall end of their resolutions : estéeming not only them but the worlds glory , fickle , transitory , & inconstant . Shal I fetch from thine owne countrey , weapons to wound thy selfe withall . What saist thou to Cycuratus , was he not called to be Dictator from the Plough , and after many victories , what did he iet vp and downe the court in costlye garments and veluet bréeches ? No , he despised dignitie , contemned vaineglory and pride , and returned againe to his quiet contented life in the countrey . How much did Caius Fabritius value their Numa pompilius , Sceuola , Scipio , Epaminondas , Aristides , they held themselues wormes meat , and counted pride vanitie , and yet thou art not ashamed to say , thou art the end of soldiors worthy honor . I tell thee sawcy skipiack , it was a good and a blessed time heere in Englane , when K. Stephen wore a paire of cloth breeches of a Noble a paire , and thought them passing costlye , then did he count Westminster hall to little to be his dieng chamber and his almes was not bare bones , in stead of broken meat but lusty chines of béefe fell into the poore mannes basket . Then charity flourished in the court , and yoong Courtyers stroue to excéed one another in vertue , not in brauery : they rode not with fans to ward their faces from the wind , but with Burgans to resist the stroke of a Battleax , they could then better exhort a soldior to armor then court a lady with amorets , they caused the trumpet to sound them pointes of wars , not Poets to write them wanton Eligies of loue : they soght after honorable fame , but hunted not after fading honor : which distinction by the way take thus . There be some that seeke honor , and some are sought after by honour . Such vpstarts as fetch their pedigrée from their fathers antient leather apron , and creep into the court with great humility , ready at the first Basciare li predi dila vostra signo ria hauing gotten the countenance of some Nobleman , will strait be a kindred to Cadwaller , and sweare his great grandmother was one of the Burgesses of the parliament house , wil at last steale by degrées into some credit by their double diligence , and then wind some worshipfull place as far as a hungry sow can smel a sir reuerence , and then with all their friends seeke day and night with coine & countenance til they haue got it . Others there be whome honor it selfe séekes , and such be they whom vertue doth frame fit for that purpose , that rising by high desarts , as learning , or valour , merit more then either they look for , or their prince hath any ease conueniently to bestow on them . Such honor séeks , and they with a blushing conscience intertein him , be they neuer so high in fauour , yet they beg no office , as the shamlesse vpstart doth , that hath a hungry eie to spie out , an impudent face to sue , and a flattring toong to intreat for some void place of worship , which little belonged to them if the prince intended to bestow offices for vertue not fauor . Other M. veluet bréeches there be of your crue , that pinche their bellies to polish their backs , that kéepe their mawes empty , to fil their purses that haue no shew of gentility but a veluet slop , who by polling or selling of land that their father lefte , wil bestowe all to buy an office about the court that they may be worshipfull , extorting from the poore , to raise vppe their money that the base deceiuing companions haue laid out to haue an office of some countenance and credit , wherein they may of me better than themselues , bee tearmed by the name of worship . The last whom vertue pleadeth for , and neither siluer , gold , friendes ▪ nor fauour aduanceth , be men of great worth , such as are thought of worship , and vnwillingly entertaine hir● rather vouchsafing profered honor for their countries cause , then for anie proud opinion of hoped for preferment .

Blessed are such lands , whose officers are so placed , and where the Prince promoteth not for coine or countenance , but for his worthy deseruing vertues . But leauing this by-talke , methought I heard you say Signior veluetbreeche , that you were the father of mechanical Artes and handie-crafts were found out to foster your brauery . In faith good man goosecap , you that are come from the startvps , & therefore is called an vpstart , quasi start vp from clowted shoone your lips hoong in your light , when you brought forth this Lodgike : for I hope there is none so simple , but knowes that handicraftes and occupation grewe for necessity not pride : that mens inuentions waxed sharpe to profite the common wealth , not to pranke vp themselues in brauerye . I pray you when Tubalcane inuented tempring of mettals had he veluet bréeches to weare ? In sadnesse , where was your worship when his brother found out the accordes and discords of Musicke hidden in hell , and not yet thought on by the Deuill , to cast forth as a baite to bring many proud fooles to ruine ?

Indéed I cannot deny , but your worship hath brought in deceipt as a iourneyman into al companies , and made that a subtill craft , which while I was holden in estéeme was but a simple mysterie : now euery trade hath his sleightes , to slubber vppe his worke to the eie , and to make it good to the sale , howsoeuer it prooues in the wearing . The shoomaker cares not if his shooes hold the drawing on : the tailor sowes with hot needle and burnt thred . Tushe pride hath banisht conscience , and veluet bréeches honestie , and euery seruile drudge must ruffle in his silkes , or else hee is not suteable .

The worlde was not so A principio , for when veluet was worne but in kings caps , then conscience was not a broome man in Kent stréet but a Courtier , then the farmer was content his sonne should hold the plough , and liue as he had doone before : Beggars then feared to aspire , and the higher sortes scornd to enuie . Now euery lowt must haue his sonne a Courtnoll , and those dunghill drudges waxe so proud , that they will presume to weare on their feet , what kings haue worne on their heads . A clownes sonne must be clapt in a veluet pantophle , and a veluet bréech , though the presumptuous asse be drownd in the Mercers booke , and make a conuey of al his lands to the vsurer for commodities : yea the fop must goe like a gallant for a while , although at last in his age he beg . But indéede , such yoong youths when the Broker hath blest them with saint Needams crosse , fall then to priuy lifts & cosenages , and when their credit is vtterly crackt , they practise some bad shifte , and so come to a shamefull ende .

Lastly , whereas thou saist thou art a seuere sensour to punish sinnes , as austere as Cato to correct vice , of truth I hold thée so in penall statutes when thou hast begged the forfeit of the Prince : but such correction is open extortion and oppression of the poore , nor can I compare it better M. veluet breech , then to the Wolfe chastising the lambe for disturbing their fountaine , or the Deuill casting out Deuils , through the power of Belsebub , and thus much curteous sir I haue said , to displaie the follies of mine aduersary , and to shew the right of mine owne interest . Whye then quoth I , if you haue both said , it resteth but that we hadde some to empanell vpon a Iurie , and then no doubt but the verdict would soone be giuen on one side . As thus I was talking to them , I might sée comming downe the hill a braue dapper Dicke , quaintly attired in veluet and Sattin , and a cloke of cloth rash , with a Cambricke ruffe as smoothlie set , and he as neatly spunged , as if he had béene a bridegroome , only I gest by his pace a farre off he shoulde bee a Tailor , his head was holden vppe so pert , and his legges shackle hamd , as if his knees had béene laced to his thighes with points . Comming more neere indeed , I spied a Tailors morrice pike on his brest , a spanish néedle , and then I fitted my salutations , not to his sutes but to his trade , and incountred him by a thred bare courtesie , as if I had not knowne him , and asked him of what occupation he was ? A Tailor , quoth he , marry then my friende , quoth I , you are the more welcome , for héere is a great quarrell growne betwixt veluet bréeches and cloth bréeches , for their prerogatiue in England : the matter is growne to an issue , there must a Iury bee empanelled , and I would desire and intreat you to be one of the quest.

Not so , quoth Cloth breeches I chalenge him . And why quoth I ? What reason haue you , dooth he not make them both ? yes , quoth he , but his gaines is not alike : alas , by me he getteth small , only he is paide for his workmanship , vnlesse by misfortune his shieres slippe awrye , and then his vales is but a shred of homespunne cloth : Whereas in making of veluet bréeches , where there is required silke lace , cloth of gold , of siluer , and such costly stuffe , to welt , gard , whip , stitch , edge , face , and draw out , that the vales of one veluet bréech is more then twenty paire of mine . I hope there is no Taylor so precise , but he can play the cooke and licke his owne fingers : though he looke vp to Heauen , yet he can cast large shreds of such rich stuffe into hell vnder his shoppe boord . Beside he sets downe like the clarke of the Checke a large bill of reckonings , which for he kéepes long in his pocket he so powders for stincking , that the yoonge vpstart that néedes it , feeles it salt in his stomach a month after . Besides , sir veluet breeches hath aduanst him : for whereas in my time he was counted but goodman Tailor , now he is growne since veluet bréeches came in , to be called a marchant or Gentleman Marchant Tailor , giuing armes and the holye Lambe in his creast , where before he had no other cognisance , but a plaine Spanish néedle with a welsh cricket on the toppe : sith then his gaines are so great and his honours so aduanst by veluet bréeches , I will not trust his conscience , nor shall hee come vpon my Iury. .

Indéed you haue some reason quoth I , but perhaps the Tailor doth this vpon meere deuotion to punish pride , and hauing no other authoritie nor meanes , thinkes it beste to pinch them by the pursse and make them paye well , as to aske twise so much silke lace and other stuffe as would suffice , and yet to ouerreach my yoong maister with a bill of reckoning that will make him scratch where it itcheth not . Heerein I hold the Tailor for a necessary member to teach proud nouices the way to wéeping crosse : that when they haue wasted what their fathers left them by prid , they may grow sparing and humble , by inferred pouerty : and by this reason , the Taylor plaies Gods part : he exalteth the poore and pulleth downe the proud : For of a wealthy Esquires sonne , hee makes a thredbare beggar : and of a scornefull Taylor , he sets vp an vpstart scuruy Gentleman . Yet seeiing you haue made a reasonable challenge to him , the Taylor shall be none of the quest.

As I bad him stand by , Al this was gentlemens cast apparel . there was comming alongst the valley towards vs , a square set fellowe well fedde , and as briskly apparelled , in a black taffata doublet and a spruce leather ierken , with Christall buttons : A cloake facst afore with veluet , and a Couentry cap of the finest wooll , his face something Ruby blush , Cherry cheeked , like a shredde of scarlet or a little darker , like the lees of olde claret wine : a nose autem nose purphled pretiously with pearle & stone , like a counterfait work , and betweene the filthye reumy-cast of his bloudshotten snowt , there appeared small holes , whereat wormes heads peeped as if they meant by theyr appearance to preach and shew the antientie and antiquity of his house .

This fiery facst churle had vpon his fingers as many gol rings , as would furnish a goldsmiths shop or beseem a pandor of long profession to were , wondring what companion this would be , I inquiret of what occupation hee was : marry sir quoth hee , a Broker , why doo you aske , haue you any pawnes at my house ? No quoth I , nor by the help of God neuer wil haue : but the reason is to haue you vpon a Iury. . At this word , before I could enter my discourse vnto him , veluet bréeches start vp , and swore he should be none of the quest , he would challenge him , and whye quoth I , what know you by him ? This base churle is one of the moathes of the Common wealth , he is the spoile of yong gentlemen a bloud sucker of the poore , as thirsty as a horsse leach that will neuer leaue drinking while he burst , a knaue that hath interest in the leases of forty bawdy houses , a receiuer for lifts , and a dishonourable supporter of cutpurses , to conclude , he was gotten by an Incubus a he Deuill , & brought forth by an ouer worne refuse , that had spent hir youth vnder the raines of Bowbies Barne .

O monstrous inuectiue , quoth I , what reason haue you to be thus bitter against him ? Oh the villaine , quoth he , is the Deuils factor , sent from hell to torment yong Gentlemen vpon earth : he hath fetcht me ouer in his time , onely in pawnes , in ten thousand pounde in golde . Suppose as Gentlemen through their liberall minds may want that I need , money : let me come to him with a pawne worth ten pound , he wil not lend vpon it aboue thrée pounde , and hee wil haue a bill of sale and twelue pence in the pound for euery month , so that it comes to sixtéene pence , sith the byll must monthly be renewed , and if you breake but your day , set downe in the bill of sale , your pawne is loste , as full bought and solde , you turnd out of your goodes and hee an vnconscionable gainer . Suppose the best , you kéepe your day , yet paying sixteen pence a month for twenty shillings , you pay as good for the lone as foure score in the hundreth , is not this monstrous exacting vpon Gentlemen . Beside the knaue will be diligently attending and waiting at dicing houses where we be at play , and there hee is readye to lend the looser money vpon rings , and chaines , apparell or any other good pawne , but the poore gentleman paies so deere for the lauender it is layd vp in , that if it lie long at a brokers house he seemes to buy his apparell twise : nay this worme eaten wretch hath deeper pitfals yet to trap youth in , for he being acquainted with a yoong gentleman of faire liuing , in issue of good parents or assured possibilitie , sooths him in his monstrous expenses & saies he carries the mind of a gentleman , promising if he want he shall not lack for a hundred pound or two , if the gentleman néed , then hath my broker an vsurer at hand as ill as himselfe , and he bringes the monie , but they tie the poore soule in suche Darbies bands , what with receiuing ill commodities and forfeitures vpon the band , that they dub him sir Iohn had-lande before they leaue him , and share like wolues the pore nouices welth betwixt them as a pray , he is ( sir ) to be bréefe , a bowsie bawdie miser , good for none but himselfe and his trugge , a carle that hath a filthie carkasse without a conscience , a body of a man wherein an infernall spirit in steed of a soule dooth inhabit , the scum of the seuen deadly sinnes , an enemie to all good minds , a deuourer of yoong gentlemen , and to conclude my mortall enimie , and therefore admit of my challenge , and let him be none of the iurie . Truly ( qd Cloth bréeches ) and I am willing he should bee discarded too , for were not bad brokers ( I will not condemne all ) there would be lesse filching and fewer theeues , for they receiue all is brought them , and buy that for a Crowne that is worth twentie shillings , desire of game blinds their conscience , and they care not how it be come by , so they buy it cheape . Beside they extorte vpon the poore that are inforced through extreame want to pawne their cloathes and houshold stuffe , their pewter and brasse , and if the poore soules that labour hard misse but a day , the base minded broaker takes the forfeit without remorse or pitie , it was not so in Diebus illis , but thou proude vpstart Veluet breeches hast learnd all Englishmen their villanie , and all to maintayne thy brauerie : yea , I haue knowne alate when a poore woman layd a siluer thimble that was sent hir from hir friends for a token , to pawne for six pence , and the broker made hir pay a halfpeny a wéeke for it , which comes to two shillings a yere , for six pence : sith then his conscience is so bad , let him be shuffled out amongst the knaues for a discarding carde , Content , qd I , and bad the broker stand backe , when there were euen at my héeles thrée in a cluster pert youths al , and neatly tired , I questiond them what they were , and the one sayd he was a barber , the other a surgion , the third an Apoticarie . How like you of these ( qd I ) shal they be of your iurie ? Of the iurie , qd Clothbreeches , neuer a one by my consent , for I challenge them all : your reason qd I , and then ye shal haue my verdict . Mary ( qd Clothbreeches ) first to the barber he can not be but a partiall man on veluet bréeches side , sith he gets more by one time dressing of him , than by ten times dressing of me , I come plain to be polde & to haue my beard cut , and pay him two penc , veluet bréeches he sits down in the chaire wrapt in fine cloaths , as though the barber were aboute to make him a foot-cloth for the vickar of saint fooles , then begins he to take his sissars in his hand and his combe , and so to snap with them as if he meant to giue a warning to all the lice in his nittie lockes for to prepare themselues , for the day of their destruction was at hande , then comes he out with his fustian eloquence and making a low conge sayth : Sir will you haue your wor haire cutte after the Italian maner , short and round , and then frounst with the curling yrons , to make it looke lyke a halfemoone in a mist ? or like a Spanyarde long at the eares , and curled like to the two ends of an old cast periwig , or will you bée Frenchefied with a loue locke downe to your shoulders , wherein you may weare your mistresse fauour ? the English cut is base and gentlemen skorne it , noueltye is daintie , speake the word sir , my sissars are readie to execute your worships will . His head being once drest , which requiers in combing and rubbing some two howers : he coms to the bason , then being curiously washte with no woorse than a camphier ball , he discends as low as his bearde , and asketh whether he please to be shauen or no , whether hee wil haue his peak cut short & sharpe , amiable like an Inamerato or broad pendant like a spade , to be terrible lyke a warrior and a Soldado , whether hee will haue his crates cut low like a Iuniperbush , or his suberches taken awaye with a Rasor , if it be his pleasure to haue his appendices primde , or his mustachios fostered to turne about his eares like the branches of a vine , or cut downe to the lippe with the Italian lash , to make him looke like a halfe faced baubie in brasse . These quaint tearmes Barber you greet maister veluet bréeches withal , and at euery word a snap with you sissors , and a cring with your knée , wheras when you come to poore Clothbreeches you either cutte his bearde at your own pleasure , or else in disdaine aske him if he wil be trimd with Christs cut , round like the halfe of a hollande cheese , mocking both Christ and vs : for this your knauerie my will is you shal be none of the iurie . For you maister surgion , the statutes of England exempts you from being of any quest , and beside , alas , I sildome fall into your hands as being quiet and making no brawles to haue wounds , as swartrutting veluetbréeches dooth , neither doe I frequent whorehouses to catch the mar-tooles , and so to grow your patient , I know you not , and therfore I appeale to the statute , you shal haue nothing to doe with my matter . And for you M. Apoticarie , alas , I looke not once in seuen yeare into your stoppe , without it be to buy a peniworth of worm-séed to giue my child to drinke , or a little triacle to driue out the measels , or perhaps some dregs and powders to make my sicke horsse a drench withall , but for my selfe , if I be ill at ease , I take Kitchin physicke , I make my wyfe my Doctor , and my garden my Apoticaries shop , whereas queasie maister veluet bréeches cannot haue a fart awrye , but he must haue his purgations , pils , and glisters , or euacuate by electuaries , hée must if the least spot of morpue come on his face , haue his oyle of Tartar , his Lac virginis , his camphire dissolued in veriuice , to make the foole as faire forsooth , as if hee were to playe Maidmarian in a May-game or Moris-daunce , tush hee cannot disgest his meate without conserues , nor end his meale without suckats , nor ( shall I speake plainely ) please the trug his mistres without he goe to the Apothecaries for Eringion , Oleum formicarum atalarum , & aqua mirabilis of ten pound a pint , if mast Veluet bréeches with drinking these drugs hap to haue a stinking breath , then forsooth the Apoticarie must play the parfumer to make it sweet , nay what is it aboute him that he blameth not nature for framing , and formeth it anew by art , and in all this who but mounsier the Apothicarie , therefore good sir ( quoth he ) séeing you haue taken vpon you to be trior for the challenges , let those three as partiall companions be packing . Why ( qd I ) séeing you haue yeelded suche reason of refusall , let them stand by : presently looking about for more , comes stalking downe an aged graue sir in a blacke veluet coat and a blacke cloath gowne welted and faced , and after him as I suppose , foure seruingmen , the most ill fauoured knaues me thought that euer I sawe , one of them had on a buffe leather ierkin all greasie before with the droppings of beare that fell from his beard , 1. Officer . and by his side a skeine like a Bruers boung knyfe , and muffled hee was in a cloake turnde ouer his nose , as though he had bene ashamde to shew his face . The seconde had a belly like a buckingtub , 2. Sumner . and a thredbare blacke coate vnbuttond before vpon the brest , whereon the map of drunkennesse was drawne , with the bawdie and bowsie excrements that dropt from his filthie leaking mouth . 3. Gaoler . The third was a long leane old slauering slangrel with a brasil staffe in the one hand , and a whipcord in the other , so pour blinde that he had like to haue stumbled vpon the company before he saw them . 4. Informer . The fourth was a fat chuffe with a sower looke in a blacke cloke faced with taffata , and by his side a great side pouch like a faulkner : for their faces all four séemed to be bretheren , they were so bumbasted with the flockes of strong bée●e , and lined with the lees of old sack , that they lookte like foure blowne bladders paynted ouer with redde oake● , or washt ouer with the suds of an old stale die . All these , as well the maister as the following mates woulde haue past away , but that I stept before them and inquired first of the formost what he was , Mary qd he , a Lawyer , then sir qd I , we haue a matter in controuersie that requireth counsaile , and you are the more welcome , What is it , qd he , Mary sayd I , whether Clothbréeches or veluetbreeches are of more worth , and which of them hath the best title to be resident in England ? At this the lawyer smild , and veluetbréeches stepping forth toke acquaintance of him , and commending his honestie , sayd there could not bee a man of better indifferency of the iury : when clothbréeches stepping in swore he maruelled he was not as well as the Surgion exempted by act of parliament from being of any quest , sith as the surgion was without pittie , so he was without conscience , and thervpon inferd his challenge , saieng the Lawyer was neuer friend to clothbréeches , for when lowlinesse neighbourhood and hospitality liued in England , Westminster hall was a dining chamber , not a den of controuersies , when the king himselfe was content to keepe his S. Georges day in a plain pair of Kersie hose , when the duke , earle , lord , knight , gentleman and esquire , aimed at vertue ▪ not at pride , and wore such breches as was spun in his house , then the lawier was a simple man , and in the highest degrée was but a bare scriuener , except Iudges of the land which tooke in hand serious matters , as treasons , murders , felonies , and such capital offences , but sildom was there any pleas put in before that proud vpstart veluet bréeches , for his maintaynance inuented strange controuersies ▪ and since he began to dominier in England , he hath busd such a proud busye couetous & incroching humor into euery mans head , that Lawyers are grown to be one of the chéefe lims of the commonwelth , for they doe now adaies de lana caprina rixare , go to law if a hen do but scrape in his orcharde , but howsoeuer right be , might carries away the verdict : if a poore man sue a gentleman , why he shootes vp to the skie , and the arrowe fals on his own head howsoeuer the cause goe , the weakest is thrust to the wall , lawiers are troubled with the heate of the liuer , which makes the palms of their hands so hot that they cannot be coold vnlesse they be rubd with the oile of angels , but the poore man that giues but his bare fée , or perhaps pleads in forma pauperis , he hunteth for hares with a taber , and gropeth in the dark to find a needle in a bottle of hay , tush these lawyers haue such delatory & forren pleas such dormers , such quibs and quiddits , that beggering their clients they purchase to themselues whole lordships , it booteth not men to discourse their little conscience , & great extortion , only suffise they be not so riche as they be bad , and yet they be but too welthy . I inueigh not against lawe nor honest lawyers , for there be some wel qualified , but against extorting Ambodexters that wring the poore , and because I know not whether this be such a one or no , I chalenge him not to be of my iury . Why then , qd I , his worship maye depart , and then I questiond what he in the buff ierkin was , Mary qd he , I am a serieant , he had no sooner sayde so , but veluet breeches leapt back , and drawing his rapyer , swore he did not only chalenge him for his iury , but also protested if he stird one foot toward him , he would make him eate a péece of his poinard . And what is the reason qd I , that there is such mortall hatred betwixt you and the Serieant ? Oh sir , quoth Veluet bréeches , search him , and I warrant you the knaue hath precept vpon precept to arrest mee , hath worne his mace smooth , with onely clapping it vpon my shoulder he hath had me vnder coram so often , oh the reprobate is the Vsurers executioner to bring suche Gentlemen to Limbo as hée hath ouerthrowne with his base brocage and bad commodities : and as you sée him a fat knaue with a foggie face , wherein a cup of old sacke hath set a seale , to marke the bowsie drunkard to die of the dropsie , so his conscience is consumed , and his harte robd of all remorse and pitie , that for monie he will betray his owne father , for wil a cormorant but fee him to arrest a yoong gentleman , the rakehell will be so eager to catch him , as a dogge to take a beare by the eares in Parrish-garden , and when hee hath laid hold vpon him , he vseth him as courteously as a Butchers cur would doe an oxe chéeke when he is hungrie , if hée sée the gentleman hath mony in his purse , then straight with a cap and knee he carries him to the tauerne and bids him send for some of his friends to bale him , but first he couenants to haue some brase of angels for his paines , and besides he cals in for wine as gréedily as if the knaues mother had bene broacht against a hogshead when he was begotten , but suppose the Gentleman wants pence he wil either haue a pawne or else dreg him to the counter without respect of manhood or honestie , I should spend the whole day with displayeng his villanies , therefore bréefly let this suffise , he was neuer made by the consent of God , but his slouenly carkase was framd by the diuell , of the rotten carion of a woolfe , and his soule of an vsurers damned ghost turnd out of hell into his body to do monstrous wickednesse again vpon the earth , so that he shall be none of my iurie , neyther shall he come nearer me than the length of my rapyer will suffer him . Indéed quoth Clothbréeches generally serieants be bad but there be amongst them some honest men , that will doe their duties with lawfull fauour : for , to say truth , if serieants were not , how should men come by their debts ? marry they are so cruell in their office , that if they arrest a poore man , they will not suffer him ( if he hath not monie ) to stay a quarter of an hower to talke with his creditor , although perhaps at the méeting they might take composition , but only to the counter with him , vnlesse he will lay his pewter , bras , couerlets , shéets , or such housholdstuf , to them for pawn of paiment of some coine for their staieng : therefore let him depart out of the place , for his roome is better than his company . Well then qd I , what say you to these three , and with that I questiond their names , the one sayde he was a sumner , the other a gaoler , and the third an informer : Iesus blesse mee ( quoth Cloth breeches ) what a Ging was here gathered together , no doubt Hell is broke loose , and the Diuell meanes to keepe holyday , I make chalenge against them all , as agaynst woorse men than those that gaue euidence agaynst Christ : for the Sumner it bootes me to say little more agaynst him , than Chaucer did in his Canturbury tales , who sayd he was a knaue , a bribar , and a bawd , but leauing that authority although it be authentical , yet thus much I can say of my selfe , that these drunken drowsie sons go a tooting abroad ( as they themselues tearm it ) which is to here if any man hath got his maid with child or plaies the goodfellow with his neighbors wife , if he find a hole in any mans coat that is of wealth , then hee hath his peremptorie scitation readie to scite him vnto the Archdeacons or officials court , there to appeare and abide the shame and penaltie of the lawe , the man perhaps in good credite with his neighbours , loath to bring his name in question , greseth the sumner in the fist , and then he wipes him out of the booke , & suffers him to get twenty with child so he kéepe him warm in the hand : he hath a saieng to wanton wiues , & they are his good dames , and as long as they féede him with cheese bacon , capons , & such od reuersions they are honest , and be they neuer so bad , he swears to the officiall complaints are made vpon enuie and the women of good behauior : tush what bawdrie is it he will not suffer , so he may haue mony and good chere , & if he like the wench wel an snatch himselfe for they knowe all the whores in a country , & are as lecherous companions as may be , to be bréefe , the sumner liues vpon sins of people , & out of harlotry gets he al his commodity . As for the Gaoler , although I haue bene little troubled in prison to haue experience of his knauerie , yet haue I heard the pore prisoners complain how cruel they be to them , extorting with extraordinary fees , selling a double curtall ( as they cal it ) with a double iug of béere for 2 pence , which contains not aboue a pint and a halfe : let a poore man but be arrested into one of the counters , though hee but set his foot in them but halfe an houre , hée shall be almost at an angels charge , what with garnish , crossing and wiping out of the boke , turning the key , paieng the chamberlain , féeing for his iurie , & twenty such extortions inuented by themselues , and not allowed by any statute , God bles me gaoler from your henhouses , as I will kéep you from comming in my quest , and to you M. Informer , you that looke like a ciuile Citizen , or some handsome pettie sogger of the law : although your crimson nose bewraies you can sup of a coole cup or Sacke without any chewing , yet haue you as much flie knauerie in your side pouch there , as woulde bréede the confusion of forty honest men . It maye bee sir you maruell , whye I exclaime against the informer , sith he is a most necessarie member in the common wealth , and is highly to the Princes aduantage for the benefit of pennall statutes and other abuses , wherof he giueth special intelligence ? To wipe out this doubt I speake not against the office but the officer , against such as abuse law when they should vse it , and such none I gesse this fellow to be , by the carnation tincture of his ruby nose . Therefore let vs search his bagge , and see what trash you shall find in it : with that although the informer were very loath , yet we pluckt out the stuffing of his pouch , and in it was found a hundreth and odde writs : Whereat I wondred : and Cloth bréeches smiling , bad mee read she Labels , and the parties names , and then examine the informer how many of them hee knewe , and wherein they had offended . I followed his counsaile , and of all hee knew but three , neither could he tell what they had doone amisse to be arested and brought in question .

Cloth bréeches seeing me stand in a maze , began thus to resolue me in my doubt . Perhaps , quoth he , you maruell why the informer hath all these writtes , and knowes neyther the parties nor can obiect any offence to them ? To this I answer : That it being a long vacation , he learned in the rowle all those mens names , and that they were men of in different wealth : Now meanes he to go abroad and search them out and arrest them , and though they know not wherin or for what cause they should be troubled , yet rather then they will come vppe to London and spende their money , they will bestow some odde Angell of Maister infourmer , and so sit at home in quiet . But suppose some bee so stubborne as to stand to the triall , yet can this cunning knaue declare a Tam quam against them , so that though they bee cléered , yet can they haue no recompence at all , for that he doth it in the Courts behalfe , I will not vnfold all his villanies , but he is an abuser of good lawes and a very knaue , and so let him be , with his fellowes . I both wondred and laught to heare Clothbreeches make this discourse , when I saw two in the valley togither by the eares , the one in leather , the other as blacke as the Deuill : I stept to them to part the fray , and questioned what they were , and wherfore they brawled : Marry , quoth he , that lookt like Lucifer , though I am blacke I am not the Deuill , but indéede a Collier of Croyden , and one sir that haue sold many a man a false sacke of coales , that both wanted measure and was halfe full of dust and drosse . Indeed I haue béene a lieger in my time in London , and haue plaied many mad prankes for which cause , you may see I am made a curtall , for the Pillorie hath eaten off both my eares , and nowe sir this ropemaker hunteth me here with his halters , I gesse him to be some euill spirit , that in the likenesse of a man woulde since I haue past the pillory perswade me to hang my self for my old offenses , and therefore sithe I cannot blesse mee from him with Nomine patris , I laye Spiritus sanctus about his shoulders with a cudgell , that he may get out of my companie . The ropemaker replied , that honestly iourneyeng by the way , he acquainted himselfe with the Colliar , & for no other cause pretended . And whether are you a going qd , I ? Marry sir qd he , first to absolue your question , I dwel in Saffron Waldon , and am going to Cambridge to three sons that I kéep there at schoole , such apt children sir as few women haue groned for , and yet they haue ill lucke . The one sir is a Deuine to comfort my soule , & he indeed though he be a vaine glorious asse , as diuers youths of his age bee , is well giuen to the shew of the world , and writte a late the lambe of God , and yet his parishioners say he is the limb of the deuill , and kisseth their wiues with holy kisses , but they had rather he should kéep his lips for madge his mare . The second sir , is a Physitian or a foole , but indéed a physitian , & had proued a proper man if he had not spoiled himselfe with his Astrological discourse of the terrible coniunction of Saturne and Iupiter . For the eldest , he is a Ciuilian , a wondrous witted fellow , sir reuerence sir , he is a Doctor , Such a Richard by S. Harry looke to it for all the Poets in England wil haue a blow at your breech for calling them poperlye make plaies , and will if you reconcile not your selfe bring your worship on the stage . and as Tubalcain was the first inuenter of Musick , so he Gods benison light vpon him , was the first that inuented Englishe Hexamiter : but sée how in these daies learning is little esteemed , for that and other familiar letters and proper treatises he was orderly clapt in the Fleet , but sir a Hawk and a Kite may bring forth a coystrell , and honest parents may haue bad children . Honest with the deuil qd the Colliar , How can he be honest , whose mother I gesse was a witch . For I haue heard them say , that witches say their praiers backward , and so doth the ropemaker yerne his liuing by going backward , and the knaues chéefe liuing is by making fatal instruments , as halters and ropes , which diuers desperate men hang themselues with . Well qd I , what say you to these , shal they be on the Iury ? Veluet bréeches said nothing , but Cloth bréeches said , in the ropemaker he found no great falshood in him , therfore he was willing he should be one , but for the Colliar he thought it necessary that as he came so he should depart , so then I bad the ropemaker stand by til more came , which was not long . For there came 3. in a cluster . Assoon as they drewnie , I spied one , a fat churl with a side russet cote to his knee , and his hands all to tanned with shifting his Ouse , yet woulde I not take notice what they were , but questioned them their occupations . Marry qd the first , I am a tanner , the second a shoomaker , the third a Currier : then turning to the plaintife and defendant , I asked them if they would allow of those parties . No by my faith qd Clothbréeches , I make challenge vnto them al , and I wil yéeld reasons of import against them , & first to you M. Tanner . Are you a man worthy to be on a iurie , when your conscience eares not to wrong the whole Commonwealth ? you respect not publike commodity , but priuate gaines : not to benefite your neighbour , but for to make the proude princocxe your sonne an vpstart Gentleman , and bicause you would marrie your Daughter at the least to an Esquire , that she may if it be possible , be a Gentlewoman , and how comes this to passe , by your Tan-fats forsooth : For whereas by the statutes of Englande you should let a hide lie in the Ouse at the least nine monethes , you can make good leather of it before thrée monethes , you haue your Doues doong , your marle , your Ashen barke , and a thousand thinges more , to bring on your leather apace , that it is so badly tanned , that when it comes to the wearing , then it fléetes away like a péece of browne paper : and whereas your backs of all other should be best tanned , you bring them so full of horne to the market , that did you not grease the sealers of Leaden Hall thoroughly in the fiste , they should neuer be sealed , but turned away and made forfeit by the statute . I cannot at large lay open your subtile practises to beguile the poore communalitie with badde leather . But let this suffise , you leaue no villainie vnsought , to bring the blockhead your sonne to goe afore the Clowne his father , trimlye trickt vppe in a paire of veluet breeches .

Nowe maister Currier to your coosenage , you cannot be content only to burne the Leather you dresse for fault of liquor , bicause you would make the shoomaker pay wel and you put in little stuffe : and beside , when as in backes you should only put in Tallow hard and good , you put in softe kitchin stuffe mixt , and so make the good and well tanned Leather by your villanie to fleet and waste away , but also you grow to be an extorting knaue and a forestaller of the market . For you will buye Leather , sides , backes , and Calues skinnes , and sel them to poore shomakers at an vnreasonable rate , by your false retailing , getting infinite goods by that excessiue price : both vndooing the poore shoomaker , and causing vs that wee pay extreamely for shooes . For if the Currier bought not Leather by the whole of the Tanner , the shoomaker might haue it at a more reasonable price : but the shoomaker beeing poore , is not perhaps able to deale with a dicker of Hides , nor perhaps with a couple of backs , and the Tanner will not trust him : then the extorting and coosening Currier coms vppe with this , I will lend you for a day and so pincheth him , that he is scarce able to finde his children bread . But well hath the Prince and the Honorable Lords of the priuie Counsaile prouided by Act of Parliament , that no Currier shall buy leather either hides or backs of the Tanner , so to bridle the extorting and forestalling coosenage , but craftilyer and subteller hath the knaue Currier crosbitten the statute , in that hee deales thus with the Tanner , he makes him holde his leather vnreasonably to the shoomaker , and so when he cannot sell it , he laies it vp in the Curriers house , vnder a colour whereas indeed he hath sold it him . Suppose this shifte be spied and preuented : then compoundeth he with som knaue shoomaker , some base rakehell without a conscience , that neither respecteth God , the Commonwealth , nor his Companie , and forsooth he is halfe with the Currier , whoe letteth him haue some hundreth marke to laye out for leather euery month , whereas he spends not in his shop a hundred marks worth in a yeere : so the shoomaker buies it to abuse the statute for the Currier , and the Currier by that means vndooeth the other shoomakers : thus two crafty knaues are met and they need no broker .

Now to you gentle craft , you masse shoomaker : you can put in the inner sole , of a thin Calues skin , when as the shoo is a neates leather shoo , which you know is cleane contrarie both to conscience and the statute . Beside , you will ioine a neates leather vampey to a calues leather héele : is not héere good stuffe maister shomaker . Well for your knauerie , you shall haue these cursses which belongs vnto your craft : you shall be light footed to trauell farre , light witted vpon euery small occasion to giue your maisters the bagge , you shall bee most of you vnthriftes , and almost all perfect goodfellows . Beside I remember a meryiest how S. Peter brought you to a dangerous disease , for he requested a boon for you , which fell out to your great disaduantage , and to recreat vs a litle héere Gentle craft , what fel to your trade by that holy saint . It chanced that on a day , saint Peter and Christ walking togither , Peter was wonderfully hungry , and had no money in his pursse to buy him any foode , and at last to his great comfort he espied where a companye of Taylors were at Dinner with buttred pease , eating theyr pease with their needles pointes one by one : saint Peter came to them and asked them his almes , they proudly bad him sit downe and doo as he saw they did , and with that deliuered him a néedle . The poore saint being passing hungry , could not content his mawe with eating one by one , but turned the eie of his néedle and eate two or three togyther : which the Taylors seeing , they start vppe and saide , What fellow : a shouell and a spade to butterd pease , hast thou no more manners ? Get out of our companie , and so they sent him packing with many stroakes . Peter comming backe , Christ demanded of him what newes : and he tolde him how churlishlye he was vsed amongst the Taylors . Well , wandering on further , Peter espied where a company of shoomakers were at Dinner , with powdered beefe & brewesse , going to them before he coulde aske them any almes , they said , welcome good fellowe , What is thy stomach vppe , wilt thou doo as we doo , and taste of beefe ? saint Peter thanked them and sat downe and eate his belly full , and dranke well of good double beere , And when hee had doone went home to his maister . Assoone as he came Christ asked him what newes , and he said : Oh mayster , I haue lighted amongst a crue of shooemakers , the beste fellowes that euer I met withall , they haue franklie fed mee without grudging , and therefore maister grant me a boone for them . Aske what thou wilt Peter , quoth he , and it shal be doone ? Why then Lord , quoth he , graunt that for thys good turne they haue doone mee . they may euer spende a groat afore they can yearn two pence . It shall be granted quoth he . Peter assoone as Christ had said the worde , he bethought himselfe and said : Nay Lorde , but that they maye yearne a groat afore they spend two pence , for my tongue slipt at the first . Well Peter quoth he , it cannot be recald the first wish must stand , and heereof by saint Peters boone it grew , that all of the Gentle craft are such good fellowes & spendthriftes . But howsoeuer , none of those thrée , neyther shoomaker , Tanner , nor Currier , shall be accepted to be of the Iury. .

As they went away with fleas in their eares , beeing thus taunted by Cloth bréeches , we might see where there came a troupe of antient Gentlemen , with their seruingemen attending vpon them . The foremost was a great old man , with a white bearde all in russet , and a faire blacke cloke on his backe , and attending on him hee had some fiue men , there cognisance as I remember was a Peacocke without a tayle , the other two that accompanied him , seemed meaner then himselfe , But yet Gentlemen of good worship . Wherevppon I went towards them , and saluted them , and was so bould as to question what they were , and of their businesse .

The most antientest answered hee was a Knight , and those two his neighbours , the one an Esquire , the other a Gentleman , and that they haue no vrgent affaires , but only to walke abroad to take the fresh ayre . Then did I shew them both Cloth breeches , and Veluet breeches , and tolde them the controuersie , and desired their ayde to be vpon the Iurie . They smiling answered , They were content , and so did Cloth breeches seeme to reioice , that suche honest antient , English Gentlemen should be tryers of his Tytle , But Veluet breeches storming , stept in and made challeng to them all . I demanded the reason why he shoulde refuse Gentlemen of so good calling ? And he made me this aunswere . Why you may gesse the inward mind by the outward apparel and see how he is adicted by the homly robes he is suted in . Why this knight is mortal enimy to pride & so to me : he regardeth hospitality and aimeth at honor with releeuing the poore , you may see although his landes and reuenewes be great , and he able to maintaine himselfe in great brauerie , yet he is content with homespun cloth , and scorneth the pride that is vsed nowadaies amongest yoong vpstartes , he houldeth not the worth of his Gentrie to bee and consist in Veluet breeches , but valeweth true fame by the report of the common sort whoe praise him for his vertue , Iustice , liberality , housekeeping and almesdeedes , Vox populi vox dei , his tennants and Farmers woulde if it might be possible , make him immortall with their prayers and praises . He raiseth no rent , racketh no landes , taketh no incumbs , imposeth no mercilesse fines , enuies not an other , buyeth no house ouer his neighbours head : but respecteth his country and the commodity thereof , as deere as his life . He regardeth more to haue the needy fedde , to haue his boorde garnished with full platters , then to famous himselfe with excessiue furniture in apparell . Since then he scorneth pride , he must of force proclaime himselfe mine enimie , and therefore he shall be none of my Iurie , and such as himselfe I gesse the Squire and the gentleman and therefore I challenge them al thrée . Why quoth I , this is strange , that a man should be drawne from a quest for his godlinesse . If men for vertue be challenged , whome shall we haue vppon the Iury ? Your obiection helpes not maister Veluet bréeches : For if he be a man of so godlye a disposition , he will neither speake for feare or fauour , hee will regard neither the riches of the one , nor the plaine pouertie of the other . Wherevpon sith you haue made mee trier , I allowe them all thrée to bee of the Iurie , and so I requested them to sit downe till our Iury was full , which they courteously did , although veluet bréeches frouned at it . When I looking for more , saw where there came a troope of men , in apparell séeming poore honest Citizens , in all they were eight . I demaunded of them what they were , and whither they were going . One of them that séemed the welthiest , who was in a furred Iacket made answere , that they were all friends going to the burial of a neighbor of theirs , that yester night died , and if would doo mee anye pleasure to heare their names , they were not so daintie but that they would tell them , and so then he began to tell mee , that by his Art he was a Skinner , the second said hee was a Ioyner , the thirde was a Sadler , the fourth a waterman , the fifte was a Cutler , the sixt was a Bellowsmender , the seuenth a plaisterer , and the eight a Printer . In good time quoth I , it is commendable when neighbours loue so well together , but if your spéed be not ouermuch , I must request you to be of a iurie , so I discourst vnto them the controuersie betwéen Clothbréeches and Veluetbréeches , and to what issue it must grow by a verdict , they séemed all content , and I turned to the plaintiffe and defendant , and asked if they would make challenge to any of these . I skorne qd Veluetbréeches , to make any great obiection agaynst them , sith they be mecanical men , and I almost hold them indifferent for this I know , they get as much and more by me than by him , the skinner I vse for furres , whereas this base clothbréeches hath scarse a gowne faced once in his life , the sadler for costly imbroidered saddles , the ioyner for séeling my house , the cutler for gylt rapyers , the waterman I vse continually , ten times for his once , and so likewise the plaisterer , for the bellowsmender alas poore snake I knowe him not , for the Printer by our Lady I think I am some tenne pounds in his debt for bookes , so that for my part let them all passe . And for me to , qd Clothbréeches , but yet a little to put them in remembrance of their folies , let me haue about with them all , and first with you maisser skinner , to whom I can say little but only this , that whereas you should only put the backs of skins into facing , you taw the wombs and so deceiue the buier , beside if you haue some fantastike skin brought you not woorth two pence , with some strange spots though it be of a libbet , you will sweare t is a most pretious skin , and came from Musco or the furthest parts of Calabria . The Sadler he stuffes his pannels with straw or hay and ouerglaseth them with haire , and makes the lether of them of morts , or tand shéeps skinnes . The ioyner though an honest man , yet he maketh his ioynts weake , and putteth in sappe in the morteses which should be the hart of the trée , and all to make his stuffe slender . And you cutler , you are patron of ruffions and swashbucklers , and wil sel them a blade that may be thrust into a bushell , but if a poore man that cannot skill of it you sell him a swoorde or rapier newe ouerglased , and sweare the blade came either from Turkie or Toledo . Now maister Waterman you will say there is no subtiltie in you , for there is none so simple but that knowes your fares and what is due betwéene Greenwiche and London , and how you earn your mony painfully with the sweat of your browes , all this is true , but let mee whisper one thing in your eare , you will play the goodfellow too much if you be well greased in the fist , for if a yoong Gentleman and a pretie wench come to you and saye , Waterman , my friend and I mean to go by water and to be merry a night or two , I care not which way nor whether wée go , and therefore where thou thinkest wee maye haue best lodging thither carrie vs : then off goes your cap and away they goe , to Brainfoord or some other place , and then you say , Hostesse I pray you vse this Gentleman and his wyfe wel , they are come out of London to take the aire and mean to be merrie here a night or two , and to spend their monye frankly , when God wot they are neither man nor wife , nor perhaps of any acquaintance before their matche made in some bawdie tauerne , but you know no such matter , and therefore waterman I pardon you . And for you plaisterer and bellowsmender I passe you ouer and so do I the Printer to , only this I must néedes say to him that some of his trade will print lewd books , and bawdy pamphlets ( by M. R.G. ) but Auri sacra fauores quid non , and therefore I am content they shall be all of the iurie . I was glad there were so many accepted of at once , & hoped that now quickly the iurie would be ful , looking about me , straight I might see one alone come running as fast as he could , I woondred what he should be that he made such hast , and the Skinner told me he was an honest man , and one of their companye , by his occupation a bricklaier . Oh qd veluetbréeches , a good honest simple man , hee hath bin long in my worke in building me a sumptuous house . But I challenge him , qd clothbréeches , for he is a iugler . How qd I can it be , sée he goeth very homely in leather and hath his ruler in his hande and his trowel at his side , and he séemeth not as one that were giuen to such qualities . Yes ( quoth clothbréeches ) hee hath this policie , when he maketh a stately place all glorious to the eye and ful of faire chambers and goodly roomes , and about the house perhaps some thréescore chimnies , yet he can so cunningly cast by his arte that three of them shall not smoke in the tweluemonth , and so spoiles hee much good morter & bricke . Why qd I , the fault is not in the workman but the housekeeper , for now adaies men builde for to please the eye not to profit the poore , they vse no rost , but for themselues and their houshold , nor no fire but in a little court chunnie in their owne chamber , howe can the poore bricklaier then be blamed , when the niggardnesse of the Lord or maister is the cause no more chimnies doe smoke , for would they vse auntient hospitality as their forefathers did , and value as lightly of pride as their greate graundfathers , then should you see euery chimny in the house smoke , and prooue that the poore Artificer had doone his part . Why then qd Clothbreeches as you please , admit him on the quest. But what be these qd Clothbreeches , that come here so soberly ? I hope they be honest men , for they looke very demure , I will inquire sayd I , and with that stepping to them , I demaunded their names and very courtiouslye the one sayd he was a brewer , the other a butcher , the thirde a baker , and the fourth a vitler . Hearing what they were , I was glad , ghessing sith they were so honest substantial men that they would helpe to make vp the iurie , when Veluetbréeches with a grim and sower countenaunce gaue them this challenge . I hold it not necessarie ( quoth hee ) that these haue any thing to deale in my cause , sith I am at oddes with them al at least in fortie pounds a péece , for this seuen yeares I haue bene indebted vnto them for bread , beefe , beare and other victuals , then sith they haue credited mée long , and I haue had so little care to paye them , I doubte now they will reuenge themselues and passe against me in the verdicte . Nay ( quoth I ) the rather wil they hold on your part , for if they bee honest wise men ( as they séeme to bee ) they will bee carefull of your prefermente , seeing the more highly they are aduaunst , the more like are they to come by their owne . If therefore you can obiect no other points of dishonesty against them , I sée no reason why they should be put by . If you doe not ( qd clothbréeches ) then here me and I will prooue them vnfit to haue any dealings here , and first for the Butcher . I praye you goodman kilcalfe , what hauocke play you with puffing vp of meat , and blowing with your prickar as you flea it , haue you not your artificiall knaueries to set out your meate with prickes , and then sweare he hath more for monie than euer you bought , to sell a péece of an olde Cow for a chop of a yoong Oxe , to wash your old meat that hath hung weltring in the shoppe with new blood , to trusse away an olde eaw in stead of a yoong weather , and although you knowe it is hurtfull and forbidden by statutes to slea your hides , skins , and backes , with cuts and slashes to the impouerishing of the pore shoomaker when he buies it , yet I pray you how many flaughters doe you make in a poore Calues skinne ? Oh Butcher , a long lent be your punishment , for you make no conscience in deceiuing the poore . And you mast Brewer that grow to be woorth forty thousand pounds by selling of sodden water , what subtiltie haue you in making your beare to spare the malt and put in the more of the hoppe to make your drink ( be barly neuer so cheap ) not a whit the stronger and yet neuer sell a whit the more measure for monie , you can when you haue taken all the harte of the malt awaye , then clap on store of water t is cheape ynough , and mashe out a tunning of small beare , so thin that it scoures a mans maw like rennish wine : in your conscience how many barrels draw you out of a quarter of malt , fie , fie , I conceale your falshood , least I should bee too broad in setting downe your faults . And as for you goodman Baker , that delight to be séen where most people resort , euen on the pillory in the chéefe market place , the world cries out of your wilinesse , you craue but one dere yere to make your daughter a gentlewoman , you buy your corne at the best hande , and yet will not be content to make your bread weight , you put in yeast and salt to make it heauie , and yet all your policie can not make it but you fine for the Pillorie , the poore crie out , the rich find fault , and the Lord Maior of London and the Shirifs like honourable and worshipful maiestrates euery day walke abroad and weigh your bread , and yet all will not serue to make you honest men , but were extremity vsed , and the statute put in the highest degrée in practise , you would haue as few eares on your heads as the collier . Last to you Tom tapster , that tap your small cannes of beare to the poore , and yet fill them halfe full of froth that card your beare ( if you see your guests begin to be drunke ) halfe small and halfe strong , you cannot bee content to pinch with your small pottes and your Ostrie faggots : but you haue your trugges to draw men on to villanie , and to bring customers to your house , where you sell a ioint of meat for xii . pence that cost you scarse six , and if any chaunce to go on the skore you skore him when he is a sléepe , and set vp a grote a daye more than he hath , to find you drinking pots with your companions , to be short , thou art a knaue , and I like not of any of the rest , the way lies before you , and therefore you maye be gone for you shall be none of the quest. I smilde to see Clothbreeches so peremptory , when I saw fiue fat fellowes all in damaske cotes and gowns welted with Veluet very braue , and in great consultation , as if they were to determine of some waighty matter , drawing neere I sawe they were welthy citizens , so I went & reuerently saluted them , and told them how we needed their aid about the appeasing of a controuersie , shewing them where the knighte , esquier , and other staid , til we might find men to fil vp the iury , they were contented , but veluetbreeches excepted againste foure of them and sayd they wer none of his friends , that was the marchant , goldsmith , mercer and draper , his allegations were these , that they were al feathered of one wing to fetch in yong gentlemen by commodities vnder the colour of lending of monie : for the merchant he deliuered the yron , tin , lead , hops , sugars , spices , oiles , browne paper or whatsoeuer else from six months to six months , which when the pore gentleman came to sell againe , he could not make thréescore and ten in the hundred beside the vsurie . The mercer he followeth the yoong vpstart gentleman that hath no gouernement of himselfe , and he feedeth his humor to go braue , hée shall not want silkes , sattins , veluets , to prank● abroade in his pomp , but with this prouiso , that he must bind ouer his land in a statute marchant or staple , and so at last forfeit al vnto the mercilesse mercer , and leaue himselfe neuer a foot of ground in England , which is the reason that for a fewe remnaunts of veluets and silkes the Mercer créepeth into whole lordships . The Goldsmith is not behinde , for most of them deale with Vsurie , and let yoong gentlemen haue commodities of plate for ten in the hundred , but they must loose the fasion in selling it agayne ( which cuts them sore ) beside they are most of them skild in alcumie and can temper mettals shrewdly , with no little profite to themselues and disaduauntage to the buier , beside puffe ringes , and quaint conceits which I omit . And so for you Draper , hée fetcheth them off for liuery cloth , and cloth for six months and six , and yet hath he more knacks in his budget , for hee hath so darke a shop that no man can well choose a peece of cloth it so shadowes the die and the thread , a man shall bee deceiued in the wooll and the nappe , they cause the Clothworker so to presse them , besides he imposeth this charge to the Clothworker that he draw his cloth and pull it passing hard when he sets it vpon the tenters , that he maye haue it full breadth and length , till thread and all teare and rent a péeces , what care they for that , haue they not a drawer to serue their turne to drawe and seame vp the holes so cunningly that it shall neuer be espied ? my selfe haue seene in one broad cloth eightéene score holes torne rackt and pulde by the Clothworker ▪ only to please the draper and deceyue the commonwealth . To be short , the Clothworker what with rowing and setting in a fine nap , with powdering it & pressing it , with shering the wooll to the proofe of the thread , deale so cunningly that they proue themselues the drapers minister to execute his subtilties , therefore if he chaunce to come let him be remembred ▪ Now sir for the vintner , hée is an honest substantiall man a friend to al good fellowes ▪ and truly my friend for my mony , and worthy to be of the iurie . Why no qd clothbreeches I am of another mind , for I hold him as deceitfull as any of the rest , what the vintner , why he is a kind of Negromancer , for at midnight when al men are in bed then he forsooth fals to his charmes and spels , so that he tumbles one hogshead into another , and can make a cup of claret that hath lost his colour looke high with a dash of red wine at his pleasure , if hee hath a strong Gascoigne wine , for feare it should make his guests to soone drunke , hee can allaye it with a small Rochell wine : hee can cherish vp white wine with sacke , and perhaps if you bidde him wash the pot cleane when he goes to draw you a quart of wine he will leaue a litle water in the bottome , and then draw it vp full of wine , and what and if he do ? t is no harm wine and water is good against the heate of the liuer . It were infinite to rehearse the iugling of Vintners , the disorder of their houses , espetially of the persons that frequent them , and therefore sith Veluetbreeches hath put by the merchant , goldsmith , mercer & draper , the vintner shal goe with them for company . As these were going away in a snuff for being thus plainly taunted , wee might see a mad merrie crue come leping ouer the field as frolikly as if they ought not all the world two pence , and drawing nearer we might perceiue that either bottle-ale or béere had made a fraye with them , for the lifting of their féet shewed the lightnesse of their heads , the formost was a plaine country sir Iohn , or vickar that proclaimed by the rednes of his nose he did oftner go into the alehouse than the pulpit , & him I asked what they were and whether they were going : what are you qd the priest that stand by the high way to examin me and my friends , here s none in my company but are able to answer for themselues . I séeing they were al set on a merry pin , tolde him the cause & how the controuersie grew betwixt Clothbréeches & veluetbreeches & that we needed them to be of the quest. Mary ( qd sir Iohn ) a good motion , know the sealare my parishioners , and we haue bin drinking with a poore man and spending our monie with him , a neighbor of ours that hath lost a cow , now for our names & our trades , this is a smith , the second a weauer , the third a millar , the fourth a cooke , the fift a carpentar , the sixt a glouer , the vij . a pedlar the eight a tinkar , the ix . a waterbearer , the tenth a husbandman , the xi . a diar , and the xii . a saylor , and I their vickar : how could you sir haue a fitter iurie than me and my parishioners ? you are a little too breefe , qd clothbreeches , are you not some puritan M. parson , or some fellow that rayseth vp new scismes and heresies amongst your people ? A plague on them all qd sir Iohn . for the world was neuer in quiet , deuotion , neighbourhood nor hospitalitie neuer flourished in this land since such vpstart boies and shittle witted fooles becam of the ministerie , such I mean as Greenwood Martin , Barrow , Wigginton , and such rakehels , I cannot tell they preach fayth , fayth , and say that doing of almes is papistrie , but they haue taught so long Fides solam iustificat , that they haue preached good works quite out of our parish , a poore man shall as soone breake his necke as his fast at a rich mans dore : for my friend , I am in deed none of the best scholars yet I can read an homilie euery sundaye and holiday , and I kéepe company with my neighbours , and go to the alehouse with them , and if they be fallen out , spende my monie to make them friends , and on sundaies somtime if goodfellowship call me away , I say both morning & euening praier at once , and so let them haue a whole afternoon to play in . This is my life , I spend with liuing with my parishioners , I séeke to do al good , & I offer no man harm . Wel ( qd clothbreeches ) I warrant thou art an honest vickar , and therfore stand by , thou shalt be one of the quest , and for you smith , I sée no great fault in you , you earn your liuing with the sweat of your browes , & there can be no great knauerie in you , only I would haue you mende your life for drinking sith you are neuer at quiet vnles the pot be stil at your nose . But you Weauer , the Prouerbe puts you downe for a craftie Knaue , you canne filche and steale almost as ill as the Taylor , your woofe and warpe is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poore Countrey huswines for theyr yarne , and dawbed on so much dregges that you make it séeme both well wrought and to beare waight , when it is slenderly wouen , and you haue stolne a quarter of it from the poore wife . Away , be packing , for you shal be cashierd . What Miller , shake hands with your brother the Weauer for knauery : You can take toll twise , and haue false hoppers to conuey awaye the poore mans meale , Be gone , I loue not your dusty lookes , and for companie goodmanne Cooke goe you with them , for you coosen the poore men and Countrey Tearmers with your filthy meate : you wil buy of the worst and cheapest , when it is bad enough for dogs , and yet so powder it and perboile it , that you will sell it to some honest poore men , and that vnreasonably to : If you leaue any meate ouer night , you make a shift to heate it againe the next day : Nay , if on the Thursday at night there be any left , you make pies of it on sunday morninges , and almost with your slouenlie knauerie poison the poore people . To be short , I brooke you not , and therefore be walking . For the Carpenter , Glouer , and Waterbearer , the Husbandman , Dier , and Sailor , sith you trades haue but petty sleights , stand you with Mai. Vicar , you are like to helpe to giue in the verdict : but for the pedler and the Tinker , they are two notable knaues , both of a haire , and both cosen Germaines to the Deuill . For the Tinker , why he is a drowsie , bawdy , drunken companion , that walkes vppe and downe with a trug after him , and in stopping one hole makes three : and if in conuenient place he méetes with one alone , perhaps risle him or hir of all that euer they haue . A base knaue without feare of God or loue to any one but to his whore and to himselfe . The Pedler as bad or rather worse , walketh the Countrey with his docksey at the least , if he haue not two his mortes dels , and Autem mortes , he passeth commonly through euery paire of stocks , either for his drunkennesse or his lecherie . And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a bounge like a guire Coue , if you want pence , and that you carrie your packe but for a coulour to shadow your other villanies . Well howesoeuer , you are both knaues and so be iogging . Well quoth I , suppose the Iurie is almost full , I beleeue we want not aboue three or foure persons : Looke you where they come to make vppe the number , and they should be men of good disposition , for they seeme to be all of the Countrey . Assoone as they came to vs I met them , and told them the matter , and they wer content . The one said he was a Grasier , the other a Farmer , the other shepheard to them both . What thinke you of these three quoth I ? Marry saith Veluet breeches , twoe of them are honest men , but the other is a base knaue : but t is no matter , shuffle him in amongest the rest . Naye by your leaue qd Cloth breeches , I wil shuffle out these two , for they are the very Cormorants of the Countrey , and deuoure the poore people with their monsterous exactions . And first I alledge against the Grasier , that he forestalleth pastures and medow grounds , for the feeding of his cattell , and wringeth leases of them out of poore mens handes , and in his buyeng of cattell he committeth great vsurie , for if it proue a wet yeare , then hee maketh hauocke and selleth deere : if it be a drie yeare , then hee buyeth cheape , and yet hauing pasture keepes them till he may come to his owne prise : he knoweth as well as the Butcher by the feede of a bullocke how much Tallow he will yeelde , what his quarters will amount vnto : what the Tanner wil giue for the Hide : Nay , what the sowse wiues were able to make of the inwards : so that he sels it so déere to the Butcher , that he can scarse liue of it : and therfore what subtlety the butcher vseth , commeth from the Grasier , so that I exempt him from the quest as a bad member , and an ill friend to Cloth breeches . And for you mass . Farmer , you knowe how thorough you couetise Landelordes raise their rentes , for if a poore man haue but a plough land , if you see his pastures beare good grasse , and his earable ground good corne , and that he prospereth and goeth forwarde on it and prouideth and maintaineth his wife and seruants honestly , then Inuidus alterius rebus macressit opimis , vicinumque pecus grandius vber habet .

Then straight enuie pricks the farmer forward , and he bids the Landelord farre more then the poore man paies yearelie for it : so that if he be a Tenant at will , he puts him out to begge in the street : or when his lease comes out he ouerloades him in the fine , and thus bloudsucketh he the poore for his owne priuate profit . Besides the base chuffe if hee sées a forward yeare and that corne is like to be plenty , then he murmureth against God , and sweareth and protesteth he shall be vndoone : respecting more the filling of his owne coffers by a dearth , then the profit of his countrey by a generall plenty . Besides sir may it please you , when newe corne comes into the market , who bringes in to relieue the state ? Not your maistership , but the poore husbandman , that wants pence . For you kéepe it to the backe end of the yeare , nay you haue your Garners which haue corne of two or thrée yeare old , vpon hope still of a deare yeare , rather letting the Weasels eate it , then the poore should haue it at any reasonable price . So that I conclude , you are a Cormorant of the common wealth , and a wretch that liues of the spoile of the néedie , and so I leaue you to iet with the Grasier . Marry for the shepheard , vnlesse it be that he killeth a Lambe now and then , and saies the Fox stole him , I know little craft in his budget , therefore let him be among the honest men of the Iurie .

Well Cloth breeches quoth I , you are very peremptory in your challenges , what say you here comes 3. or 4. Cityzens , wil any of these serue turne ? I cannot tel qd he till I know their names and conditions . With that I stept afore the company , and inquired what they were . The eldest of them being a graue Citizen , said he was a Grocer , the rest his good and honest neighbors , a Chandler , a Haberdasher , a Clothworker , and two strangers , one a Wallon the other a Dutchman . How like you of these quoth I to Veluet bréeches ? well enough quoth he , for I am little acquainted with them , yet I know they fauour me , bicause I haue on a sunday séene them all in their silkes . I marry , quoth cloth bréeches , but they neuer get that brauery with honestie , For the cloth worker his faultes were laide open , Before when we had the Draper in question : and therefore let him bee packing . For you Chandler , I like not of your tricks ; you are to conuersant with the kitchen stuffe wiues you after your weeke or snaft is stiffened , you dip it in filthy drosse , and after giue him a coat of good tallowe , which makes the Candles drop and wast away , to the great hindrance of the poore workeman that watcheth in the night . Beside you pinch in your waights and haue false mesures , and many other knaueries that I omit , but this be sure you shall not meddle in my matter : neyther the Haberdasher , For he trims vppe olde felts and makes them verye fayre to the eie , and faceth and edgeth them neatly , and then hee turnes them away to such a simple man as I am : and so abuseth vs with his coosenage . Beside you buy gumd taffata , wherewith you line hats that will straight assunder as soone as it comes to the heate of a mans head . To be breefe , I am not well skild in your knaueries , but indéed you are to subtle for poore Cloth bréeches , and therefore you shal be none of the Iurie . Marrye the Grocer seemes an honest man , and I am content to admit of him , only take this as a caueat by the way , that you buy of the Garbellers of spices , the refuse that they sifte from the marchant , and that you mix againe and sell it to your customers . Besides , in your beaten spices , as in pepper , you put in Bay berries , and such drosse , and so wring the poore , but these are sleight causes and so I ouerpasse them , and vouchsafe you to be of the quest.

But I pray you what be those two honest men , qd the Grocer , The one a Dutchman and a shoomaker , the other a Frenchman and a Myllaner in saint Martins , and sels shirts , bandes , bracelets , Iewels , and such pretty toies for Gentlewomen : oh they be of veluet bréeches acquaintance , vpstarts as well as he , that haue brought with them pride and abuses into England : and first to the Millainer . What toies deuiseth he to feed the humor of the vpstart Gentleman withall , and of fond Gentlewomen ? such fannes , such ouches , such brooches , such bracelets , such graundcies , such periwigs , such paintings , such ruffes and cufs , as hath almost made England as full of proud fopperies as Tyre and Sydon were . There is no Seamster can make a bande or a shirt , so well as his wife : and why forsooth ? bicause the filthy queane weare a craunce and is a Frenchwoman forsooth . Where as our English women of the Exchange , are both better workwomen , & wil affoord a better peniworth . And so for the drunken Dutchman , this shoomaker , he and such as he is , abuseth the Common wealth , and the poore mechanicall men and handicrafts men of London , for our new vpstart fooles of Veluet breeches fraternity , liketh nothing but that the outlandish Asse maketh . They like no shoo so well as the Dutchman maketh , when our Englishe men passe them farre . And so for Chandlers , and all other occupations , they are wronged by the Dutch and French . And therefore sith the Commons hates them , they cannot be my friends , and therefore let them be launching to Flushing , for they shall be no triers of my controuersie . Well quoth I , now I suppose the Iury is ful , and we see no more comming , let vs call them and see how many we haue . So they appeared to their names , as followeth .

The Names of the Iury to be empanelled . 1 Knight . 2 Esquire . 3 Gentleman . 4 Priest . 5 Printer . 6 Grocer . 7 Skinner . 8 Dier . 9 Pewterer . 10 Sadler . 11 Ioyner . 12 Bricklaier . 13 Cutler . 14 Plaisterer . 15 Saylor . 16 Ropemaker . 17 Smith . 18 Glouer . 19 Husbandman . 20 Shepheard . 21 Waterman . 22 Waterbearer . 23 Bellowsmender .

What is it not possible quoth I , to haue one more to make vp the foure and twenty ? As I was thus speaking , I espied a far off , a certeine kind of an ouerworne Gentleman attired in Veluet and sattyn , but it was somewhat dropped and greasie , and bootes on his legges , whose soles waxed thin seemed to complaine of their Maister which treading thrift vnder his féet , had brought them vnto that consumption , he walked not as other men in the Common beaten waye , but came compassing Circum circa , as if we had béene Deuils , and he woulde drawe a Circle about vs , and at euery third steppe he looked backe , as if hee were afrayde of a Bayly or a sergeant .

After him followed two pert Applesquires , The one had a Murrey Cloth gowne on , faced downe before with gray Cunnie , and laid thick on the sleeues with lace , which he quaintly bare vppe , to shew his white Taffata hose and blacke silke stockings , a huge ruffe about his necke wrapt in his great head like a wicker Cage , a little hatte with brimmes like the wings of a doublet , wherein hee wore a Iewell of glasse , as broad as the Chancery seale : after him followed two boies in clokes like butter flies , carrieng one of them his cutting sword of choller , the other his daunsing rapier of delight . His Camerard that bare him company was a iollie light timberd Iacke a Napes , in a sute of watchet Taffata cut to the skinne , with a cloke al to be dawbed with colourd lace : both he and my gowned brother seemed by their pase as if they had some sutes to mounsieur bootes . At length comming neere , I might discerne the first to be a Poet , the second a Player , the third a Musitian , alias the Vsher of a Daunsing schoole . Well met maister Port qd I , and welcome you friends also , though not so particularly knowne . So it is , though none of you thrée be Common wealths men , yet vpon vrgent necessitye we must bee forced to employ you . We haue a Iury to be empanelled immediatly , which one of you thrée must helpe to make vp , euen he which approues himselfe the honestest man . They are all honest menne and goodfellowes quoth Veluet breeches , therefore it is no great matter whether of them wee choose .

The Doctors doubt of that quoth Cloth bréeches , for I am of a different opinion . This first whome by his carelesse slouenlie gate at first sight I imagined to be a Poet , is a wast good and an vnthrift , that hee is borne to make the Tauernes ritch and himselfe a begger , if he haue fourtye poundes in his purse togither , he puts it not to vsurie , neyther buies land nor Marchandize with it , but a monethes commodity of wenches and Capons . Tenne pound a supper , Why t is nothing , If his plough goes and his inkhorne be cleere : Take one of them worthie twentye thousande pound and hang him . He is a kinge of his pleasure , and counts all other Boores and pesants , that though they haue money at command yet know not like him how to Domanéere with it to any purpose as they should . But to speak plainelie , I thinke him an honest man if he would but liue within his compasse , and generally no mannes foe but his owne . Therefore I hold him a man fit to be of my Iurie . Nay quoth veluet bréeches , I haue more mind to these two , for this Poet is a proud fellowe , that bicause he hath a little wit in his budget will contemne and dislike vs that are the Common sort of Gentlemen , and thinke we are beholding to him if he doo but bestow a faire looke on vs . The plaier and the Vsher of the dauncing schoole are plaine , honest , humble men , that for a pennie or an olde cast sute of apparell . Indeed quoth Cloth bréeches you say troth , they are but too humble , for they be so lowlie , that they be base minded , I meane not in their lookes nor apparell , for so they be peacockes and painted asses , but in their course of life , for they care not howe they get crownes , I meane how baselie so they haue them : and yet of the two I holde the Player to be the better Christian , although he is in his owne imagination , too full of selfe liking and selfe loue , and is vnfit to be of the Iurie , though I hide and concele his faults and fopperies , in that I haue beene merrie at his sports , only this I must say , that suche plaine country fellowes as my selfe they bring in as clownes and fooles to laugh at in their play , whereas they get by vs , and of our almes the prowdest of them all dooth liue Well to be breefe let him trot to the stage , for he shall be none of the iurie . And for you maister vsher of the dauncing schoole , you are a leader into all misrule , you instruct gentlemen to order their féet when you driue them to misorder their manners , you are a bad fellow that stand vpon your tricks and capers ▪ til you make yoong gentlemen caper without their lands , why sir to be flat with you , you liue by your legges as a iugler by his hands , you are giuen ouer to the pumps & vanities of the world , and to be short you are a keeper of misrule and a lewd fellow , and you shall be none of the inquest . Why then qd I , you are both agreed that the Poet is hee that must make vp the xxiiij ? They answered both , he , and none but hee . Then I calling them all together , bad them laye their hands on the booke , and first I cald the knight , and after the rest as they followed in order , then I gaue them their charge thus . Worshipfull sir , with the rest of the iury whome we haue solicited of choice honest men , whose consciences will deale vprightly in this controuersie , you and the rest of your company are here vpon your oath & oathes to inquire whether Clothbréeches haue done disseison vnto Veluetbréeches yea or no in or about London , in putting him out of franke tenement , wronging him of his right and imbollishing his credit , if you finde that Clothbreeches hath done Veluet bréeches wrong , then let him be set in his former estate and allow him reasonable dammages . Vpon this they laid their hands on the booke and were sworne , and departed to scrutine of the matter by inquirie amongst themselues , not stirring out of our sighte nor staieng long , but straight returned , and the knight for them all as the for most , said thus So it is that we haue with equitie and conscience considered of this controuersie betwéene Veluetbreeches and Clothbreeches , as touching the prerogatiue of them both , which are most worthy to bee rightlye resident and haue seison in frank tenement here in Englande , and we doe find Clothbreeches is by many hundred yeares more antient , euer since Brute and inhabitant in this Iland , one that hath ben in Diebús illis a companion to kings , an equall with the nobilitie , a friende to gentlemen and yeomen and a patron of the poore , a true subiect , a good housekeper , and generall as honest as he is auntient . Whereas Veluet bréeches is an vpstart come out of Italy , begot of Pride , nursed vp by selfe-loue , and brought into this countrie by his companion new fanglenesse , that he is but of late time a raiser of rents , and an enemie in the commonwelth , and one that is not any way to be preferd in equitie before Clothbreeches , therefore by generall verdict wee adiudge Clothbreeches to haue done him no wrong , but that he hath lawfully claimd his title of frank tenement , and in that we appoint him for euer to be resident . At this verdict pronounst by the knight , all the standers by clapt their hands , and gaue a mighty shout , whereat I started and awaked , for I was in a dreame and in my bed , and so rose vp , and writ in a merrie vaine what you haue heard .

FINIS .