An anatomie of the metamorpho-sed Aiax Wherein by a tripartite method is plainly, openly, and demonstratiuely, declared, explaned, and eliquidated, by pen, plot, & precept, how vnsauerie places may be made sweet, noysome places made wholesome, filthy places made cleanly. Published for the common benefite of builders, house-keepers, and house-owners. By T.C. traueller, aprentice in poetrie, practiser in musicke, professor of painting, the mother, daughter, and handmayd of all Muses artes and sciences.

AN ANATOMIE OF THE METAMORPHO-SED AIAX .

Wherein by a tripartite method is plainly , openly , and demonstratiuely , declared , explaned , and eliquidated , by pen , plot , & precept , how vnsauerie places may be made sweet , noysome places made wholesome , filthy places made cleanly . Published for the common benefite of builders , house-keepers , and house-owners .

By T. C. Traueller , Aprentice in Poetre , Priactiser in Musicke , professor of Painting , the mother , daughter , and handmayd of all Muses artes and sciences .

Inuide quid mordes ? pictoribus atque Poetis . Quidlibet audendi semper fuit aequa potestas .

AT LONDON , Imprinted by Richard Field , dwelling in the Black-friers . 1596.

To M. E. S. Esquier .

SIr , my maister hauing expresly commaunded mee , to finish a straunge discourse that he had written to you , called the Metamorpho-sis of AIAX , by setting certaine pictures thereto ; there came vnto my minde a tale I had heard , perhaps more merry then mannerly . How a plain , or rather a pleasant Seruingman , wayting on his maister at the Popes Court , happened to be present one day , when the Gentleman , after long attendance and great meanes , had obtained the fauour to kisse his holinesse foote . The man seeing what his maister did , first stale out of the chamber , & then ranne out of the house , hiding himselfe for a pretie space . The Gentleman hearing of it , pittied his mans simplicity ( who perhaps was crafty knaue inough for all that ) and asked why he went away ? Alas sir said he , when I saw that a man of your worth and worship , in so publique a place , might kisse but his toe , I doubted they would haue made me , haue kist him in some homelyer place , and so I might haue bene shamed for euer .

If that seruingman had cause to runne out of the house , my thinke I may seeme to haue more reason , to runne out of my wits , to haue so strange a taske appointed me ; for when the verie face , & head , or title of the booke , seemed so fowle & vnsauerie , what might I thinke the feete or tayle thereof were like to proue ? Wherefore I would gladly haue shunned so base an office : but hauing my maisters example ioyned to his commandement , I tooke hart to me , and first I read ouer the discourse , to see what was promist therein on my behalfe ( viz. certaine pictures . ) But I assure you in the reading of it , whether it were the wel handling of the matter , or my partiall opinion ( a fault that I am seldome charged withall ) my minde was altered , and I compared the homely title of it , vnto an ilfauored vizer , Or to a road or a snake made in suger , that lookes vnsightly , but tasts sweetly . such as I haue seene in stage-playes , when they daunce Machachinas , which couers as sweet a face sometimes as any is in the companie . And euen presently therewithall , as if I had bene inspired with the spirite of AIAX , me thought I durst haue aduentured with my pen and pensill vpon any thing . For , as the saying is , Painters and Poets , clayme by old enrolment , A charter , to dare all , without controlment .

Wherefore by the Priuiledge of this Charter ( as also by a Pattent I haue of seruing two prentiships ) I will go somewhat beyond the bare wordes of my commission , and yet not swarue much from the charge that is layd vpon me . For Sir , I would you knew it , though I neuer troubled the schooles at Oxford , with any disputes or degrees , yet I carried there a good schollers bookes after him , and I trust I gat some quaynt phrases among them , as namely in steed of praying the Cobler to set two patches on my shoes , I could haue said , set me two semicircles vpon my suppeditals , with much other eloquence beyond the common intelligence . And yet notwithstanding all these great vaunts , I wil not take vpon me , that I am able to say so much of the Metamorpho-sis , the Etimologie , & the reformation of Don AIAX-house , as my maister hath said , or to defend the wordes , illustrate the matter , and dilate of the forme as he hath done , for who can stand against such an army of Emperours , Kings , Magistrats , Prophets , Poets , All-hallowes , and all prophanes , euen from the Bible to the bable , as are by him brought for enobling of his arguments ? Yet for Anatomysing as it were of the shape and bodie thereof , M. Plat in his booke against famine , fol. vltimo penultimo . because he hath handled that point ( in M. Plats opinion ) somewhat too briefly for common vnderstandings , I must heare a litle better open it : for as the old saying is , ( bonum quo communius eo melius ) and the old verse is , Scire tuum nihil est , nisi te scire hoc sciat alter . If that which followes offend the reader , he may turne ouer a leafe or two , or but smell to his sweet gloues , and then the sauor will neuer offend him . Goodnesse is best , when it is common showne , Knowledge were vayne , if knowledge were not knowne .

Wherefore now , seriously and in good sadnesse to instruct you , & all Gentlemen of worship , how to reforme all vnsauerie places of your houses , whether they be caused by priuies , or sinkes , or such like ( for the annoyance comming all of like causes , the remedies neede not be much vnlike , ) this you shall do .

In the Priuie that annoyes you , ●●is cestern in the first plot is figured at the letter A. and so likewise in the second plot . first cause a Cesterne containing a barrell or vpward , to be placed either behind the seat , or in any place either in the roome , or aboue it , from whence the water may by a small pype of leade of an inch be conuayed vnder the seate in the hinder part thereof ( but quite out sight ) to which pype you must haue a Cocke or a washer to yeeld water with some pretie strength , when you would let it in . The small pype in the first plot at D. in the 2. E , but it ought to lye out of sight .

Next make a vessell of an ouall forme , as broad at the bottome as at the top , ij . foote deep , one foote broad , This vessell is exprest in the first plot H. M. N. in the 2. H. K. xvi . inches long , place this very close to your seate , like the pot of a close stoole , let the ouall incline to the right hand .

This vessell may be brick , stone , or leade , but whatsoeuer it is , it should haue a Current of 3. inches , The Current is exprest in the second plot K. to the backe part of it , ( where a sluce of brasse must stand ) the bottome , and sides all smooth : and drest with pitch , rosin , and waxe , A speciall note . which will keepe it from taynting with the vrine .

In the lowest part of this vessell ; In the second plot I . L. which will be on the right hand , you must fasten the sluce or washer of brasse with soder or Ciment , the Concauitie or hollow thereof , must be ij . inches and ½ .

To the washers stopple , In the first plot G. F. in the 2. F. & I. must be a stemme of yron as bigge as a curten rod , strong and euen and perpendicular ; with a strong skrew at the top of it , to which you must haue a hollow key with a woorme fit to that skrew .

This skrew must , when the sluce is downe , In the first plot betweene G. I. appeare through the planke not aboue a straw-breadth on the right hand , and being duly placed , it will stand three or foure inches wyde of the midst of the backe of your seate .

Item , This showes in the first plot K. L. In the 2. G. Such are in the backside of watches . that children & busie folke disorder it not , or open the sluce , with putting in their hands , without a key , you should haue a little button , or scallop shell , to bind it down with a vice pinne , so as without the key it will not be opened .

These things thus placed : all about your vessell and elsewhere , must be passing close plastered with good lyme and hayre , Else all is vayne . that no ayre come vp from the vault , but onely at your sluce , which stands close stopt , and euer it must be left , after it is voyded , halfe a foote deepe in cleane water .

If water be plentie , the oftener it is vsed and opened , the sweeter ; but if it be scant , once a day is inough , for a neede , though twentie persons should vse it .

If the water will not run to your Cesterne , These forces as also the great washer you shall buy at the Queenes Brasiers in Lothbery at the Bores head . you may with a force of twentie shillings , and a pype of eighteen pence the yard , force it from the lowest part of your house to the highest .

But now on the other side behold the Anatomie .

This is Don AIAX-house , of the new fashion , all in sunder , that a workeman may see what he hath to do .

Here are the parts set downe with a rate of the pryses , that a builder may guesse what he hath to pay . A. the cesterne stone or bricke , prise . 0. 6. 8. B. D. E. the pype that comes from the cesterne , with a stopple to the washer . 0. 3. 6. C. a wast pype , 0. 1. 0. F. G. the stem of the great stopple , with a key to it . 0. 1. 6. H. the forme of the vpper brim of the vessell or stoole pot . M. the stoole pot of stone , prise . 0. 8. 0 N. the great brasse sluce , to which is three inches current , to send it down a gallop into the Iax . 0. 10. 0 And least you should mislike with this phrase I had it in a verse of a graue author , that was wont to walke vp and downe the Court , with a forest bill , I haue forgot how it begun ( like a beast as he was ) but it ended in ryme .

O that I were at Oxenford , to eate some Banberie Cakes .

I . the seate with a peke deuaunt for elbow roome , the whole charge 30. shillings eight pence , yet a mason of my maisters was offred thirtie pounds for the like . Memorandum the scale is about halfe an inche to a foote

Here is the same all put together , that the workeman may see if it be well .

A. the Cesterne . B. the litle washer . C. the wast pipe . D. the seate boord . E. the pipe that comes from the Cesterne . F. the Screw . G. the Scallop shell to couer it when it is shut downe . H. the stoole pot . I. the stopple . K. the current . L. the sluce . M. N. the vault into which it falles : alwayes remember that ( ) at noone and at night , emptie it , and leaue it halfe a foote deepe in fayre water . And this being well done , and orderly kept , your worst priuie may be as sweet as your best chamber . But to conclude all this in a few wordes , it is but a standing close stoole easilie emptyed . And by the like reason ( other formes and proportions obserued ) all other places of your house may be kept sweet .

Your worships to commaund T. C. traueller .

BVt pah : All this is sweetned with this one sentence . Humani nihil à me alienum puto . what haue I talked off all this while ? of AIAX ? Pa-pe , what an vnsauorie argument is this ? Nay fie , I maruell you would reade it . I haue lost all my credite with our wenches , if they heare that my penne hath thus polluted my paper . But alas , Or , dulcia non meruit qui dignatur amata . it is but my fortune and not my fault ; I am forced thereto ; when the Maister is in the Imperatiue moode , the man must obey in the Present tense , Fidelis seruus perpetuus Asinus . though he should be thought for his labour , As in praesenti , perfectum format in aui , vt no nas knaui , &c. Quae mala sint Domini , quae servi commoda nescis . Well , yet you see I haue not forgot all my Grammer . Iwis it were better for vs seruingmen , if you Maisters , would do more in the Datiue case , Condile , qui seruum , te gemis esse diu . and speake lesse in the Imperatiue moodes . If you will be lecherous , we must be bawdes ; if you will be quarellous , By your lea●●● maisters . we must be ruffians : and now my Maister playes the Physition , I must be Potycarie . If he cast the water , I must minister the clyster , what is the remedie ? Delirant domini , famuli plectuntur : iniquum est . The men still beare their Maisters sin , But litle iustice is therein . But a great many of my Maisters betters , may say for themselues : Meae ( contendere noli ) stultitiam patiuntur opes . Horace . To striue with vs it is but vaine , Our wealth our follies will sustaine .

Wherefore now to say somewhat for my selfe , and as it were to play one bout in mine owne defence ( for if Zoilus haue already bitten at my Maisters banket , it may be some Momes will mocke me , for my short pittance . ) First thefore to answere some Ciceronians , Nolo stercus curiae dici glauciam . that maintaine that such a word as Stercutius should not be named in ciuilitie . ( To omit , that where he condemnes it , there he vseth it , De orat . 157. Supra stercus iniectum . and in one place beside ) but I would aske some Rhetoricke Reader ( for somtimes , Eloquence hath thought it good , De diuina . 92. to giue the sword and buckler place ) whether it be not as ciuill a phrase to say , Stercutius is made a Nowne Adiectiue , as these fewe that I will here recite , which if I should English , they world make some perhap cast vp their gorges . Oratio in Pisonem . Against Piso , a great noble man , his better in birth , his equall in office .

Cum hac me peste & labe confero ? Meministicaenum ; nescio quo egurgustio te prodire obuoluto capite soleatum ? Pauci tua lutulenta vitia noueramus . Epicure ex hara producto . faetidam nobis popinam exhalasti . Vnde tis nos partim turpissimè respondendo , partim faedissimè eructando eiecisti .

And against the worthy Anthonie ( whom so noble pennes haue celebrated ) marke what he saith , & where ? euen in the Senat : But first , you must imagine that Anthonie had had a litle mischaunce , while he sate in Iudgement on the Bench ( perhaps some foolish Orator , that could not tell a slouenly tale cleanly had bin arguing , of purgare and reficere cloacam . ) Whereby the noble man being queysie , layd open his stomacke , and Tullie , owing him a grudge , a yeare after layes it in his dish , in these sweet wordes .

Orem non modo visu faedam ; O matter slouēly to be seene , to be heard hatefull , &c. sed etiam auditu &c. In caetu po. R. negotium publicum gerens , cui ructare turpe esset , is frust is esculentis , vinum , redolentibus , gremium suum , & totum tribunal impleuit .

Thus you see you M. T. C. when it pleased him , to displease others , would vse wordes as bad as the best of vs .

But to argue succinctly ( as they call it ) I say , that that some call scurrilitie , in this booke is indeed but a checke to scurrilitie . I wil proue it . Grāmariās . Musitians . Daunsers . Fensers . Teachers of all sortes , when they wil teach one to mend his fault , will shewe the fault in themselues first . Also the incomparable Poet of our age , to giue a most artificiall reproofe of following the letter too much , commits the same fault of purpose .

You that do Dixionarie method bring , Syr P. Sid. Into your rymes , running in ratling rowes .

Further this booke , A good triall of what spirit a booke is written . where it seemes most loose , marke if it do not stoppe rather then open all gaps of lasciuiousnesse .

But least some bad disputers , confessing the premisses to be true , This is to you that be Schollers . should denie the conclusion , let me deale Sillogisticè in moode and figure . And that the Sillogisme may be sutable to the proposition , A Sillogisme in Bocardo . let it be in the third figure the fift moode called Bocardo .

Some homely words in necessary matters are not to be condemned . Maior .

But all ages , all writers , all states , Minor . haue vsed these wordes in these matters .

Ergo , Conclusion . the title of the booke should not be condemned Now if any be in so fierse a figure , and in so angrie a moode , that he will reduce all to Barbara , I thinke we should chop logicke best with such a one in ferio .

But if an argument be brought against vs in the second figure , A Sillogisme in the first moode of the second figure . in a sober moode , and in the sacred name of Cesare ; in this wise :

No wordes obscenous , scurrill , and sordidous , 1 should come to modest , chast , and vertuous eares ;

But all words concerning the subiect of the booke , 2 are obscenous , scurrill , and sordidous :

Ergo , no part of the booke is approuable . 3 Faith , then we are all non plus . I would our festino , had bene caelarent ; for there is no denying nor replying to that moode , but onely say , God saue the Queene , and pray for the Psalme of mercy .

Well , Egles stoope not at flyes . yet I trust how euer my maister speeds I shall do wel inough . Aquila non capit muscas . Wherefore to conclude , and to grace my selfe a litle with you and your friends , let me tell you some of my aduentures . A seruants boast you know is to be like his master , loe then how many wayes I can liken me to him , First wee are neare of an age , 1. This I learne of my cosin M. Tomas Cicero to praise my selfe . past our foole age , neither young nor old .

Both of a complexion , enclining to the orientall colour of a Croydon sanguine . 2

Like in Disposition , 3 not idle , nor well occupied .

One of my kin did teach him at Eaton , 4 and one of his kin taught me at Oxford .

We haue bene beyond sea , 5 but neuer out of the Queenes dominions . Milford . Waterford , because it is on this side the English pale . In England beyond Wales . In Ireland on this side England , where we saw young children mothers at xi , young women old at 23. wee saw some fayre with litle dressing , fat with scant feeding , and warme with thin clothing .

Excellent Religion ; The 1. they call Gods seruice . Masse in the morning , The 2. they call the Queenes seruice . common prayer at noone ; The 3. some thinke the deuils seruice . common daunsing at night ; we went as vndertakers thither ; we came backe ouertaken , as for those that mockt vs so , God and our Lady , and one more go with them .

Since this trauell we haue bene both Poeticall , 6 and I Musicall & Pictorical , & though we may lye and steale by authoritie , yet we are taken for true men , and haue holpe to hang theeues .

At this houre some of our friends , 7 thinke vs worthy of better fortunes than we haue , but none is our friend so much to helpe vs to them .

We haue playd , and bene playd with , 8 for our writings . Si quis quod fecit , patiatur ius erit equum . If you doe take but such as you giue , it is one for another , but if they that play so , would giue vs but a peece of gold for euerie good verse wee thinke we haue made ; Now if the man such praise will haue . wee should leaue some of them , but poore felowes . But soft , Then what must he that keepes the knaues Dametus in Arcadia . if I should tell al , he wold say , I am of kin to Sauntus Ablabius . It is no matter , since he makes me to write of Sauntus Acacchius .

The ( grace of God ) guides well both age and youth , Fly sin with feare , as harmlesse ( hare ) doth bound , Like precious ( ring ) embrace more precious truth , At ( tunne ) full of good iuyce , not emptie sound , In these right s●and . My sa●mos name is found .

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