A nevv discourse of a stale subiect, called the metamorphosis of Aiax: vvritten by Misacmos, to his friend and cosin Philostilpnos Harington, John, Sir, 1560-1612. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A02649 of text S103861 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 12779.5). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 171 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 75 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2018 A02649 STC 12779.5 ESTC S103861 99839604 99839604 4043 2248584507

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A02649) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 4043) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 321:6) A nevv discourse of a stale subiect, called the metamorphosis of Aiax: vvritten by Misacmos, to his friend and cosin Philostilpnos Harington, John, Sir, 1560-1612. [28], 120 p. : ill., music Imprinted by Richard Field [and Eliot's Court Press], dwelling in the Black-friers, At London : 1596. Misacmos = Sir John Harington. Identification of Eliot's Court Press from STC. Running title reads: The metamorphosis of Aiax. Identified as STC 12779 on UMI microfilm. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. eng eebo A nevv discourse of a stale subiect, called the metamorphosis of Aiax: vvritten by Misacmos, to his friend and cosin Philostilpnos. Harington, John, Sir, 1596 147 33283 177 0 0 80 0 0 293.54 F The rate of 293.54 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the F category of texts with 100 or more defects per 10,000 words. 2003-04 Assigned for keying and markup 2003-05 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2004-10 Sampled and proofread 2004-10 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-01 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

A NEW DISCOVRSE OF A STALE SVBIECT , CALLED THE Metamorphosis of AIAX :

Written by MISACMOS , to his friend and cosin PHILOSTILPNOS .

AT LONDON , Printed by Richard Field , dwelling in the Black-friers . 1596.

A LETTER VVRITTFN BY A GENTLEMAN OF GOOD WORTH , TO the Author of this booke .

SIr , I haue heard much of your house , of your picturs , of your walks , of your ponds , and of your two boats , that came one by land , and the other by sea , from London bridge , and met both at Bath bridge : all which God willing ( if I liue another sommer ) I will come of purpose to see ; as also a swimming place , where if one may beleeue your brother Fraunces , Diana did bath her , and Acteon see her without hornes . But to deale plainly with you , there be three speciall things that I haue heard much boasted of , and therefore would willingliest see . The one a fountaine standing on pillers , 43. Can. like that in Ariosto , vnder which you may dine and suppe ; the second a shooting close with a xij score marke to euery point of the card , in which I heare you haue hit a marke that many shoote at , viz: to make a barren stony land fruitfull with a litle cost ; the third is a thing that I cannot name wel without saue-reuerence , and yet it sounds not vnlike the shooting place , but it is in plaine English a shiting place . Though , if it be so sweete and so cleanely as I heare , it is a wrong to it to vse saue reuerence , for one told me , it is as sweet as my parlor , and I would think discourtesie , one should say , saue reuerence my parlor . But if I might entreate you ( as you partly promist me at your last being here ) to set downe the maner of it in writing , so plaine as our grosse wittes here may vnderstand it , or to cause your man M. Combe ( who I vnderstand can paint prettilie ) make a draught , or plot thereof to be well conceaued , you should make many of your friends much beholding to you , and perhaps you might cause reformation in many houses that you wish well vnto , that ●●ill thinke no scorne to follow your good example . Nay to tell you my opinion seriouslie , if you haue so easie , so cheape , and so infallible a way for auoiding such annoiances in great houses : you may not onelie pleasure manie great persons , but doe her Maiestie good seruice in her pallace of Greenwitch and other stately houses , that are oft annoyed with such sauours , as where many mouthes be fed can hardly be auoided . Also you might be a great benefactor to the Citie of London , and all other populous townes , who stand in great need of such conuayances . But all my feare is , that your pen hauing beene inured to so high a discourse ,

Of Dames , of Knights , of armes , of loues delight ,

will now disdaine to take so base a subiect ,

Of vaults , of sinkes , priuies & draughts to write .

But herein let a publicke benefit expell a priuat bashfulnesse , and if you must now and then breake the rules de slouilitate morum , with some of these homelie wordes , you see I haue broken the ise to you , and you know the old saying , pens maie blot , but they cannot blush . And as old Tarlton was wont to saie , this same excellent word saue-reuerence , makes it all manerlie . Once this I dare assure you , if you can but tell a homelie tale of this in prose as cleanlie , as you haue told in verse a baudy tale or two in Orlando mannerly , it may passe among the sowrest censurers verie currantly . And thus expecting your aunswer hereto , at your conuenient leysure , I commit you to God this of 1596.

Your louing cosin . PHILOSILPNOS .
THE ANSWER TO THE LETTER .

MY good Cosin , if you haue heard so well of my poore house with the apurtenaunces , it were to be wished for preseruation of your better conceit thereof ; that you would not see them at all , they will seeme to you so far short of the report : for I do compare my buildings and my writings together , in which though the common sort thinke there is some worth and witte , yet the grauer Censurers do finde many faults and follies ; And no maruell for he that builds and hath gathered litle , and writes and hath read litle , must needes be a bad builder , and a worse writer . But wher as you are disposed either in the way of praise , or of play , to extoll so much the basest roome of my house , as though you preferred it afore the best ; your commendation is not much vnlike his curtesie , that being inuited by a crabbed-fauourd host to a neat house , did spit in his hostes face , because it was the fowlest part of the house . But such as I haue you shall be welcome to , and if I may know when you will begin your progresse , I will pray my brother to be your guide , who will direct your iestes in such sort , as first you shall come by a fine house that lackes a mistresse , then to a faire house that mournes for a maister , from whence , by a straight waie called the force way , you shall come to a towne that is more then a towne , where be the waters that be more then waters . But from thence you shall passe downe a streame that seemes to be no streame by corn fields that seeme no fields , downe a street no street , in at a gate no gate ouer a bridge no bridge , into a court no court , where if I be not at home , you sall finde perhaps a foole no foole .

But where as you praise my husbandry , you make me remember an old schoole fellow of mine in Cambridge , that hauing lost fiue shillings abroad at Cardes , would boast he had saued two candels at home by being out of his chamber , for such be most of my sauings . Yet this one point of husbandrie , though it maie well be called beggerly : yet it is not for all that contemptible , & thus it was . Finding a faire and flat field , though verie stonie , as all this countrey is : I made some vagrant beggers ( of which by neighbourhood of the Bathes , here comes great store ) to gather all the stones that might breake our arrowes , and finding an easie meane to water the ground with a fat water , I haue bettered my ground ( as you say ) and quite rid me of my wandring guests , who will rather walk seuen mile about , than come where they shall be forst to worke one halfe houre .

Now Sir , to come to the chiefe point of your desire , which requires a more ample answer , but for a preamble you must be content with this . You tell me , belike to encourage me , that my inuention maie be beneficiall , not onely to my priuate friends , but to townes and Cities , yea euen to her Maiesties seruice for some of her houses : trust me I doe beleeue you write seriouslie as you terme it herein , and for my part I am so wholly addicted to her hignesse seruice , as I would be glad , yea euen proud , if the highest straine of my wit , could but reach , to anie note of true harmonie in the full consort of her Maiesties seruice , though it were in the basest key that it could be tuned to . And if I should fortune to effect so good a reformation , in the Pallace of Richmond , or Greenewich ( to which Pallace , manie of vs owe seruice for the tenure of our land ) I doubt not but some pleasant witted courtier of either sex● would grace me so much at least ; as to say , that I were worthy for my rare inuention , to be made one of the Priuy ( and after a good long parenthesis ) come out with chamber , or if they be learned & haue read Castalios Courtier , they will say , I am a proper scholer , and well seene in latrina lingua . But let them mocke that list , qui moccat moccabitur .

Who strike with sword , the scabbeted them may strike : And sure loue eraueth loue , like asketh like .

If men of iudgement thinke it may breede a publike benefite , the conceit thereof shall expell all priuate bashfulnesse ; and I will herein follow the example of that noble Lady , that to saue the liberties of Couentry , rode naked at noone through the streetes thereof , Camden in his Britannia . and is now thought to be greatly honored , and nothing shamed thereby .

Further whereas you embolden my pen , not to be abasht at the basenesse of the subiect and as it were leading me on the way , you tell me you haue broken the y●e for me , to enter me into such broad phrases , as you thinke must be frequent herein : I will follow your steppes and your counsell , neither will I disdaine to vse the poore helpe of saue reuerence if neede be , much like as a good friend of yours and mine , that beginning to dispraise as honest a man as him selfe , to a great Noble man , said , he is the veryest knaue , sauing your Lordship : But the noble man ( ere the wordes were fully out of his mouth , ) said , saue thy self knaue or be hangd , saue not me . Euen so I must write in this discourse , sometime indeede as homely ( sauing your worship ) as you shall lightly see , and yet I will endeuour to keepe me within the boundes of modestie , and vse no wordes , but such as graue presidents in Diuinitie , Law , Phisicke , or good Ciuilitie , will sufficiently warrant me .

Sure I am that many other country●men , both Dutch , French , and Italians , with great praise of wit , though small of modesty , haue written of worse matters . One writes in praise of folly . 2. an other in honour of the Pox. 3. a third defendes vsury . 4. a fourth commends Nero. 5. a fift extols and instructs bawdery . 6. the sixt displaies and describes Puttana Errante , which I here will come forth shortly in English . 7. a seuenth ( whom I would guesse by his writing , This matter is discoursed by Rables , in his 13. chap. of his fift booke . to be groome of the stoole to some Prince of the bloud in France ) writes a beastly treatise , only to examin what is the fittest thing to wipe withall , alledging that white paper is too smooth , browne paper too rough , wollen cloth too stiffe , linnen cloth too hollow , satten too slippery , taffeta too thin , veluet too thicke , or perhaps too costly : but he concludes , that a goose necke to be drawne betweene the legs against the fethers , V● moyen de me torcher le culle plus Seigneurial , le plus excellent , le plus expedient que iamais fut veu . is the most delicate and cleanely thing that may be . Now it is possible that I may be reckned after these seuen , as sapientum octauus , because I will write of A Iakes yet I will challenge of right ( if the Heralds should appoint vs our places ) to go before this filthy fellow , for as according to Aristotle , a ryder is an Architectonicall science to a sadler , and a sadler to a stirop maker &c. so my discourse must needes be Architectonicall to his , sith I treat of the house it self , and he but of part of that is to be done in the house , & that no essentiall part of the businesse : for they say there be three things that if one neglect to do them , This may be omitted in reading . they will do themselues ; one is for a man to make euen his recknings , for who so neglects it will be left euen iust nothing ; as other is to mary his daughters , for if the parents bestow them not , they will bestow them selues ; the third is that , which the foresaide French man writes of : which they that omit , their lawndresses shall finde it done in their linnen . Which mishap a faire Lady once hauing , a seruing man of the disposition of Mydas Barber , that could not kepe counsell had spyed it , & wrate in the grossest termes it could be exprest , vppon a wall , what he had seen , but a certaine pleasant conceited Gentleman , corrected the barbarisme , adding rime to the reason in this sort .

My Ladie hath polluted her lineall vesture , With the superfluitie , of her corporall disgesture .

But soft , I feare I giue you too great a tast of my slouenly eloquence , in this sluttish argument . Wherefore to conclude , I dare vndertake , that though my discourse will not be so wise as the first of those seuen I spake of , that praises folly : yet it shall be ciuiller then the second , truer then the third , honester then the fourth : chaster than the sift , modester then the sixt , and clenlier then the seuenth . And that you and other of my good friends may take the lesse offence at it , I will cloth it ( like an Ape in purple , ) that it may be admitted into the better company : and if all the art I haue cannot make it mannerly enough , the worst punishment it can haue , is but to employ it in the house it shall treat of , only crauing but that fauour , that a noble man was wont to request of your good father in law , to teare out my name before it be so employed ; and to him that would deny me that kindnesse , I would the paper were nettles , and the letters needles for his better ease : or that it were like to the Friers booke , dedicated as I take it to Pius quintus ; of which one writes merily , that his holinesse finding it was good for nothing else , imployed it ( in steed of the goose necke ) to a homely occupation , and forsooth the phrase was so rude , the stile so rugged , and the Latin so barbarous , that therewith as he writes , scortigauit sedem Apostolicam . He galled the seat Apostolicke : and so I commend me to you , till I send you the whole discourse .

Your louing cosin and true friend . MISAKMOS .
THE PROLOGVE TO THE READER OF the Metamorphω-sis of AIAX .

GReat Captaine AIAX , as is well knowen to the learned , and shall here be published for the vnlearned , was a warrier of Graecia ; strong , headdy , rash , boisterous , and a terrible fighting fellow , but neither wise , learned , staide , nor Polliticke . Wherefore falling to bate with Vlisses , & receiuing so fowle a disgrace of him , Ouid. Meta. lib. 12. to be called foole afore company , and being bound to the peace , that he might not fight with so great a Counseller ; he could indure it no longer , but became a perfit mal-content , viz. his hat without a band , his hose without garters , his wast without a girdle , his bootes without spurs , his purse without coine , his head without wit , and thus swearing he would kill & slay ; first he killed all the horned beasts he met , which made Agamemnon and Menelaus now , more affraid then Vlisses , whereupon he was banished the townes presently , and then he went to the woods and pastures , and imagining all the fat sheepe he met , to be of kin to the coward Vlisses , because they ran awaie from him , he massacred a whole flocke of good nott Ewes . Last of all hauing no bodie else to kill , poore man killed him selfe ; what became of his body is vnknowen , some say that wolues and beares did eate it , and that makes them yet such enemies to sheepe and cattell . Lib. supra dicto . But his bloud as testifieth Pouidius the excellent Historiographer , was turnd into a Hiacint , which is a verie notable kinde of grasse or flower .

Now there are many miracles to be marked in this Metamorphosis , to confirme the credite of the same : for in the grasse it selfe remaines such pride of this noble bloud , that as the grasiers haue assured me of their credits , ( and some of them may be trusted for 100000 poundes ) the ruther beastes that eate too greedily hereof will swell til they burst , the poore sheep still for an old grudge , would eate him without salt ( as they saie ) but if they doe , Salt recouers baned sheepe . they will soone after rot with it .

Further I read that now of late yeares , Rabbles lib. 1. cap. 13. a French Gentleman son to one Monsieur Gargasier , Comme Gargasier cognoit l'esprit excellent de Gargantua a l'inuētiōd , vntorche cul . & a young Gentleman of an excellent spirit & towardnesse , as the reuerent Rabbles ( quem honoris causa nomino , that is , whom I should not name without sauereuerēce ) writeth in his first booke 13. Cha. but the story you shall find more at large in the xiiij . booke of his tenth Decad. Lib. Fictitius This yong gentleman hauing taken some three or foure score pils to purge melancholy , euery one as big as a Pome Citterne , commanded his man to mowe an halfe acre of grasse , to vse at the priuy , and notwithstanding that the owners ( to saue their hay perhaps ) sware to him it was of that ancient house of AIAX , and therefore reserued of purpose onely for horses of the race of Bucephalus , or Rabycano , yet he would not be perswaded : but in further contempt of his name , vsed a phrase that he had learned at his being in the low Countreys , and bad Skite vpon AIAX . But suddenly ( whether it were the curse of the people , or the nature of the grasse I know not ( he was striken in his posteriorūs with S. Anthonies fier ; and dispairing of other helpe , he went on Pilgrimage in hope of remedy hereof to Iapana , neare Chyna : where he met a French Surgeon , in the vniuersity of Miaco that cured him both of that & the Verol , that he had before in his priorūs ; with the Momio , of a Grecian wench , that Vlisses buried in his trauell , vpon the coast of the further Aethiopia ; and so he came back again by Restinga des ladrones , through S. Lazaro , and crossing both the Tropicks , Cancer & Capricorne , he came by Magellanes , swearing he found no straights there ; but came from thence straight home . And so in 24. houres saile , and two or three od years beside , he accomplished his voyage , not forgetting to take fresh wine & water at Capon de bona speranza . Yet ere he could recouer his healthfully , he was faine to make diuerse vowes ( for now he was growen very religious with his long trauell . ) Among which one was , that in remembrance of China , of all meats , he would honor the Chine of beefe most : an other was , that of all offices of the house , he should doe honour to that house of office , where he had committed that scorne to AIAX : and that there , he should neuer vse any more such fine grasse , but rather , teare a leafe out of Holinsheds Chronicles , or some of the books that lie in the hall ; then to commit such a sin against AIAX . Wherefore immediatly on his comming home , he built a sumptuous priuy , and in the most conspicuous place thereof , namely iust ouer the doore ; he erected a statue of AIAX , with so grim a countenance , that the aspect of it being full of terror , was halfe as good as a suppositor : and further to honour him , he changed the name of the house , & called it after the name of this noble Captaine of the greasie ones ( the Grecians I should say ) AIAX : though since , by ill pronunciation , and by a figure called Cacophonia , the accent is changed , and it is called a Iakes .

Further when the funerall oration was ended , Hic desunt non paucae de sermone aeth clerum . to doe him all other complements , that appertained to his honor ; they searcht for his petigrew , and an excellent Antiquary , and a Harold , by great fortune , found it out in an old Church booke in the Austen Friers at Genoua : and it was proclaymed on this fashion . Thus farre Ouid.

AIAX sonne of Telamon . Thus much lib. 6. S. Aug. de ciuit . Dei . Ster●utius the God of doung . sonne of Aeacus . sonne of Iuppiter . Iuppiter , aliâs dictus Picus . sonne of old Saturne . Aliâs dictus Stercutius .

Which when it was made knowen vnto the whole fraternity of the brethren , there was nothing but reioycing and singing , vnto their god Sarcotheos a deuout Shaame in honor of this Stercutius the great great grand-father of AIAX . Which Sonet hath a maruellous grace in their countrey , by meanes they do greatly affect the same similiter desinentia , euery Frier singing a verse , and a brother aunswering him in the tune following , amounting iust to foure and twenty , which is the misticall number of their order .

But by the way , if any seuere Catoes take exceptions , & any chast Lucrecias take offence at the matter or musick here following , let them pardon me , that sought but to keepe decorum , in speaking of a slouenly matter , and of slouenly men somewhat slouenly .

Vos verò viri eruditi si quae hic scurriliter nimis dicta videbuntur , ignoscite : aequissimum ●●im est , vt quam voluptatem scelerati male saciendo capiant ▪ ●●ndem ( quoad fieri potest ) male audiendo amittant ▪ Videt●● autem cuiusmodi farinae homines taxare instituimus : ●●n plos , doctos , sanctos , continentes , sed lu●urios●s , hereticos , barburos , impios . Quibus ego me per ●mne● vitam ace●●imum hostem , vt & verum 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 semper pro●i●ebor . Nostis prouerbium , Cretisandum cum Cretensibus , & cert● hoc dignum est pa●ella operculum . Such lipp●s such let●uce . Nam similes habere debent labr● lactucas .

O Tu qui dans , O tu qui dans , o ra cu la , o-ra-cu-la , scindis cotem no va-cu-la , cu-la , da nostra vt ta-ber-na-cu-la , lingua canant vernacula , cu-la , lingua canant vernacula cula .

O Tu qui dans , O tu qui dans , oracula , oracu-la , scindis cotem no vacula cula , da nostra vt tabernacu-la , cula , vt taberna-cula , lingua canant vernacula , cula , cula , lingua canant verna-cula .

1. O tu qui dans oraculae 2. Scindis cotem nouacula 3. Da nostra vt tabernacula 4. Lingua canant vernacula 5. Opima post gentacula 6. Huiusmodi miracula● 7. Sit semper plaenum poculum . 8. Habentes plaenum loculum 9. Tu serua nos vt specula● 10. Per longa & laeta secula● 11. Vt clerus & plebecula 12. Nec nocte nec diecula 13. Curent de vlla recula , 14. Sed intuentes specula 15. Dura vitemus spicula 16. Iacentes cum amicula 17. Quaegarrit vt cornicula● 18. Seutristis ●euridicula 19. Tum porrigamus oscula 20. Tum colligamus floscula 21. Ornemus vt caenaculum 22. Et totum habitaculum 23. Tum culi post spiraculum . 24. Spectemus ho● spectaculu● .

Then sutable to this himne , they had ● dirge for AIAX , with a praier to all their chiefe Saints whose names begin with A. Ora pro A IAX . Sauntus Ablabius Sauntus Acachius Some of these denied the godhead of Christ with Arrius , some the authority of Bishops as Aerius which you may see in Prateolo de vita●●ret●corum . Sauntus Arrius Sauntus Aerius Sauntus Aetius Sauntus Almaricus Saunti Adiophoristae Almarieus denied the resurrection of the body , which is an heresie that mars all , as S. Paule saith 1. Cor. 15. 14. That then our faith were vaine . Saunti 11000 Anabaptistae Et tu Sauntiss . Atheos And so ended the blacke Sauntus .

By all which you may see , that it is but lacke of learning , that makes some fellowes seeke out stale English Etymologies of this renowmed name of AIAX . One imagined , it was called so of blacke iacks ; because they looke so slouenly , that a mad French man wrote , we did cary our drinke in our bootes : but that is but a bald Etymology , and I will neuer agree , that Iacke , though he were neuer so blacke , should be thus slaundered . But if you stand so much vpon your English , and will not admitte our Greeke , and our Romane tongue , you shall see I will cast about , to haue one in English for you . First then , you haue heard the old prouerbe ( age breedes aches ) now you must imagine , that an old man , almost pound with an vgly Mopsa , sayd , not without a greatsigh ; Oh , what a match were this , were the woman away ? But the deuise that shall be hereafter discouered , will so confound this Gentleman with the strong breath , that saue we cary about vs some traytors , that are ready to take his part , he should neuer be able so much as to blow vpon you . Yet I would haue the fauourable readers ( of what sort soeuer ) thus farre satisfied , that I tooke not this quarrell vppon me voluntarily , but rather in mine owne defence ; and standing vpon the puntilio of honour , hauing bene chalenged , as you may partly see in the letter precedent , by one , as it seemes , of the Captaines owne countrey-men : for his name is Philostilpnos , which I thought at first , was a word to coniure a spirite , till at last , a fellow of mine of Cambridge , told me the Philo was Greeke , and that he would say in English , that he loueth cleanlinesse . Now I being bound by the Duello , hauing accepted the challenge , to seeke no aduantage , but euen to deale with him at his owne weapon , entred the lists with him , and fighting after the old English maner without the stockados , ( for to voine or strike below the girdle , we counted it base and too cowardly ) after halfe a score downright blowes , we grew to be friends , and I was content to subscribe , Yours &c. And to the end I may aunswer him in the same language , I am called Misacmos , which is cosin and ally to his name , and it signifies a hater of filthinesse , and to all such as are of kin to either of our names or conditions , we commend this discourse ensuing .

Ad Zoilum & Momum . Cease maisters any more , To grudge , chafe , pine , and freat , Lo stuffe for you good store To gnaw , chew , bite and eate .
A short aduertisment of the author to the Reader . The discourse ensewing is deuided into three partes or sections ( as it were breathing places ) least it may seeme confused , or too tedious to be read all at once . 1 The first iustifies the vse of the homelyest wordes . 2 The second prooues the matter not to be contemptible . 3 The third shewes the forme , & how it may be reformed . 1. The first begins grauely , and ends lightly . 2 The second begins pleasantly , and ends soberly . 3 The third is mixt both seriously and merily . 1 I would pray you to weigh the graue authorities reuerently , for they are true and autenticall . 2 I would wish you to regard the pleasaunt histories respectiuely , for they be honest and commendable . 3 I would aduise you to vse the mery matters modestly , for so they may be faultlesse and harmelesse . 1 If you meane not to read it , then disprayse it not , for that would be counted follie . 2 Till you haue fully read it , censure it not , for that may be deemed rashnesse . 3 When you haue read it , say both of vs haue lost more time then this in our dayes , and that perhaps would be iudged the right .
THE METAMORPHOSIS OF AIAX .

THere was a very tall and seruiceable Gentleman , sometime Lieutenant of the ordinance , called M. Iaques Wingfield ; who comming one day , either of businesse , or of kindnesse to visit a great Lady in the Court ; the Lady bad her Gentlewoman aske , which of the Wingfields is was ; he told her Iaques Wingfield : the modest Gentlewoman , that was not so wel seene in the French , to know that Iaques was but Iames in English , was so bashfoole , that to mend the matter ( as she thought ) she brought her Lady word , not without blushing , that it was M. Priuie Wingfield ; at which , I suppose the Ladie then , I am sure the Gentleman after , as long as he liued , was wont to make great sport .

I feare the homely title prefixed to this Treatise ( how warlicke a sound so euer it hath ) may breed a worse offence , in some of the finer sort of readers ; who may vpon much more iust occasion condemne it , as a noysome and vnsauory discourse : because , without any error of equiuocation , I meane indeede , to write of the same that the word signifies . But if it might please them a litle better to consider , how the place we treate of ( how homely soeuer ) is visited by themselues , once at least in foure and twenty houres , if their digestion be good , and their constitution sound ; then I hope they will do me that fauor , and them selues that right , not to reiect a matter teaching their own ease , and cleanlinesse , for the homelinesse of the name ; and consequently , they will excuse all broad phrases of speech , incident to such a matter , with the old English prouerbe that endes thus ; For Lords and Ladies doe the same . I know that the wiser sort of men will consider , & I wish that the ignorant sort would learn ; how it is not the basenesse , or homelinesse , either of wordes , or matters , that make them foule and obscenous , but their base mindes , filthy conceites , or lewd intents that handle them . He that would scorne a Phisition , because for our infirmities sake , he refuseth not somtime the noisome view of our lothsomest excrements , were worthy to haue no helpe by Phisicke , and should breake his deuine precept , that saith ; Honour the Phisition , for necessities sake God hath ordained him . And he that would honour the makers of Aposticchios , or rebatoes , because creatures much honored vse to weare them , might be thought , perhaps full of curtesie , but voide of wit .

Surely , if we would enter into a sober and sad consideration of our estates , euen of the happiest sort of vs , as men of the world esteeme vs ; whether we be noble , or rich , or learned , or beautifull , or healthy , or all these ( which seldome happeneth ) ioyned together we shall obserue , that the ioyes we enioy in this world , consist rather in indolentia ( as they call it ) which is an auoyding of grieuances and inconueniences , then in possessing any passing great pleasures ; so durable are the harmes , that our first parentes fall hath layd on vs , and so poore the helpes that we haue in our selues : finally so short , and momentany the contentments that we fish for , in this Ocean of miseries , which either we misse , ( fishing before the net , as the prouerbe is ) or if we catch them they proue but like Eeles , sleight and slipperie . The chiefest of all our sensuall pleasures , I meane that which some call the sweet sinne of letcherie , though God knowes , it hath much sowre sawce to it ; for which notwithstanding , many hazard both their fame , their fortune , their friendes , yea their soules ; which makes them so oft breake the sixt Commaundement , that when they heare it read at Church , they leaue the wordes of the Communion booke , and say , Lord haue mercie vpon vs , it grieues our hearts to keepe this Law . And when the Commination is read on Ashwednesday , wherein is read , Cursed be he that lyeth with his neighbours wife , and let all the people say , Amen ; these people either say nothing , or as a neighbour of mine sayd , Some say amend , and so done , were verie well sayd . he hem ; I say this surpassing pleasure , that is so much in request , and counted such a principall solace , I haue heard confessed before a most honorable person , by a man of middle age , strong constitution , and well practised in this occupation , to haue bred no more delectation to him ( after the first heate of his youth was past ) then to go to a good easie close stoole , when he had a lust thereto ( for that was his very phrase . ) Which being confessed by him , and confirmed by many ; makes me take this aduantage thereof in the beginning of this discourse , Aiak's house preferred before a ba●●die house . to preferre this house I mind to speak of , before those which they so much frequent ; neither let any disdaine the comparison . For I remember , how not long since , a graue & godly Ladie , and grandmother to all my wiues children , did in their hearings , and for their better instruction , tell them a story ; which though I will not sweare it was true , yet I did wish the auditory wold beleeue it ; namely , how an Hermit being caried in an euening , by the conduct of an Angell , through a great citie , to contemplate the great wickednes daily and hourely wrought therein ; met in the streete a gongfarmer with his cart full laden , no man enuying his full measure . The poore Hermit , as other men did , stopt his nosthrils , and betooke him to the other side of the street , hastening from the sower carriage all he could ; but the Angell kept on his way , seeming no whit offended with the sauor . At which while the Hermit maruelled , there came not long after by them , a woman gorgeously attyred , wel perfumed , wel attended with coaches , & torches , to conuey her perhaps to some noble mans chamber . The good Hermit somewhat reuiued with the faire sight , and sweet sauour , began to stand at the gaze . On the other side , the good Angell now stopped his nose , and both hastened himselfe away , and beckened his companion from the place . At which the Hermit more maruelling then before , he was told by the Angell , that this fine courtesan laden with sinne , was a more stinking sauour afore God and his holy Angels , then that beastly cart , laden with excrements . I will not spend time to allegorize this storie , onely I will wish all the readers may find as sure a way to cleanse , and keepe sweete the noblest part of them selues , that is , their soules ; as I shall shew them a plaine and easie way , to keepe sweete the basest part of their houses , that is , their sinkes . But to the intent I may binde my selfe to some certaine method , I will first awhile continue as I haue partly begun , to defend by most autenticall authorities and examples , the vse of these homely words in so necessary matters . Secondly , concerning the matter it selfe , I will shewe how great , and extraordinary care hath beene had in all ages , for the good ordering of the same . Lastly , for the forme , I will set downe the cheapest , perfectest , and most infallible , for auoyding all the inconueniences the matter is subiect to ; that hitherto ( if I and many more be not much deceiued ) was euer found out .

When I was a truantly scholer in the noble Vniuersitie of Cambridge ( though I hope I had as good a conscience as other of my pew-fellowes , to take but a litle learning for my money ) yet I can remember , how a very learned and reuerent Deuine help this question in the schooles . Scripturae stylus non est barbarus . The stile , or phrase of the Scripture is not barbarous . Against whom one replyed with this argument . That which is obscenous , may be called barbarous : But the Scripture is in many places obscenous : Therefore the Scripture may be called barbarous . To which syllogisme was truely answered ( as I now remember denying the minor ) that though such phrases to vs seeme obscenous , and are so when they are vsed to ribauldrie , or lasciuiousnes , yet in the Scripture they are not onely voyd of inciuilitie , but full of sanctitie ; that the Prophets do in no place more effectually , more earnestly , nor more properly beat downe our pride and vanitie , and open to our eyes the filthinesse , and horror of our sinnes , then by such kind of phrases , of which they recited that , where it is said , that the sinnes of the people were , ●sa. 64. quasi pannus menstruatae vniuersae iustitiae nostrae , that a common or strange woman ( for so the Scripture couertly termeth a harlot ) hath her quiuer open for euery arrow ; that an old lecherous man , is like a horse that neigheth after euery mare , &c. To which I could adde many more , if I affected copiousnesse in this kind ; some in broad speeches , some in couert termes , expressing mens shame , mens sinnes , mens necessities . Quinque aureos anos facietis pro quinque satrapis , which our English of Geneua translates very modestly . Ye shall make ●iue golden Emeralds for fiue Noblemen or Princes . Which word I am sure , many of the simple hearers , and readers , take for a precious stone of the Indians , set in gold ; & so they shall still take it for me , for that ignorance , may perhaps do them lesse hurt in this matter , then further knowledge ; but yet what a speciall Scripture that is to Gods glory & their shame , appeares by Dauids prophecie in the 77. Psalme , where he saith ; Percussit inimicos suos in posteriora , opprobrium sempiternum dedit illis . He smote his enemies in the hinder parts , and put them to a perpetuall shame ; in remembrance whereof , in some solemne lyturgies , vntill this day the same Chap. of Aureos anos is read .

What shold I speake of the great league betwene God and man , made in Circumcision ? impressing a painefull stigma , or caracter in Gods peculiar people , though now , most happily taken away in the holy Sacrament of Baptisme . What the word signified , I haue knowen reuerent & learned men haue bene ignorant ; and we call it very well Circumcision , and vncircumcision , though the Remists ( of purpose be like to varie from Geneua ) will needs bring in Prepuse ; which word was after admitted into the Theater with great applause , by the mouth of Maister Tarlton the excellent Comedian ; when many of the beholders that were neuer circumcised , had as great cause as Tarlton , to complaine of their Prepuse . But to come soberly , & more nearely to our present purpose ; In the old Testament , the phrase is much vsed of couering the feet , and in the new Testament , he that healeth & helpeth all our infirmities , vsed the word draught ; that that goeth into the man , is digested in the stomacke , and cast out into the draught . Lastly , the blessed Apostle S. Paule , being rapt in contemplation of diuine blisfulnesse , compares all the chiefe felicities of the earth , esteeming them ( to vse his owne word ) as stercora , most filthy doung , in regard of the ioyes he hoped for . In imitation of which zealous vehemencie , some other writers haue affected to vse such phrase of speech , but with as il successe , as the asse that leapt on his maister at his comming home , because he saw a litle spaniel , that had so don , much made of : for in deed , these be counted but foule mouthd beasts for their labors .

But to conclude these holy authorities , worthy to be alledged in most reuerent and serious manner ; and yet here also I hope without offence : let vs come now to the ridiculous , rather then religious customes of the Pagans , and see , if this contemptible matter I treat of , were despised among them ; nay rather obserue , if it were not respected with a reuerence , with an honor , with a religion , with a dutie , yea with a deitie , & no maruell . For they that had Gods and Goddesses , for all the necessaries of our life , from our cradles to our graues , viz. 1. for sucking , 2. for swathing , 3. for eating , 4. for drinking , 5. for sleeping , 6. for husbandrie , 7. for venerie , 8. for fighting , 9. for phisicke , 10. for mariage , 11. for child-bed , 12. for fire , 13. for water , 14. for the thresholds , 15. for the chimneys ; the names of which I doe set downe by themselues , to satisfie those that are curious . 1. Lacturtia , 2. Cunina , 3. Edulicae , 4. Potina , 5. Morpheus , 6. Pan , 7. Priapus , 8. Bellona , 9. Aesculapius , 10 Hymen , 11. Lucina , and Vagitanus , 12. Aether , 13. Salacia , 14. Lares , 15. Penates . I say , you must not thinke , they would commit such an ouersight , to omit such a necessarie , as almost in all languages , hath the name of necessitie , or ease : wherfore they had both a God and a Goddesse , that had the charge of the whole businesse ; the God was called Stercutius , as they write , because he found so good an employment for all manner of doung , as to lay it vpon the land : or perhaps it was he , that first found the excellent mysterie of the kind setting of a Parsnippe ( which I will not here discouer , because I heard of a truth , that a great Lady that loued Parsnips very well , after she had heard how they grew , could neuer abide them ) and I would be loath , to cause any to fall out of loue with so good a dish . Neuerthelesse ( except they will haue better bread then is made of wheate ) they must ( how fine so euer they be ) giue M. Stercutius leaue , to make the land able to beare wheat . But the Goddesse was much more especially , and properly assigned for this busines , whose name was Dea Cloacina , her statue was erected by Titus Tacius , he that raigned with Romulus , in a goodly large house of office ( a fit shrine for such a Saint ) which Lodouicus Vi●es cites out of Lactantius . But he that wil more particularly enforme himselfe of the originall of all these pettie Gods and Goddesses ; as also of the greater , which they distinguisht by the name of Dij consentes , which are according to old Ennius verse , deuided into two rankes of Lords and Ladies . Iun● , These Gods were of the priuy councel to Iuppiter , 23. Chap. 4. booke . Vesta , Minerua , Ceresque Diana , Venus , Mars , Mercurius , Neptunus , louis , Vulcanus , Apollo . Of all which S. Augustine writes most diuinely , to ouerthrow their diuinitie ; and therefore I referre the learned and studious reader , to his fourth and sixt booke de Ciuitate Dei , where the originall , and vanitie of all these Gods and Goddesses , is more largely discoursed : with a pretty quip to Seneca the great Philosopher , who being in hart half a Christian , as was thought ; yet because he was a Senator of Rome , S. Augustine 6. booke 10. chap. L. was faine ( as S. Augustine saith ) to follow that he found fault with , to doe that hee disliked , to adore that he detested . But come we to my stately Dame Cloacina , and her Lorde Stercutius , though these were not of the higher house , called Consentes ; yet I hope for their antiquitie , they may make great comparison : for he is saide to haue bene old Saturne , father to Pycus that was called Iuppiter ; and Cloacina was long before Priapus , and so long before Felicitie , that S. Augustine writes merrily , that he thinkes verily , Felicitie forsooke the Romanes , for disdaine that Cloacina and Priapus were deified so long before her ; adding Imperium Romanorum propterea grandius , quam felicius fuit . The Romane Empire therefore was rather great , then happie . But how so euer Ladie Felicitie disdaines her , no question but Madame Cloacina was alwayes a very good fellow : for it is a token of speciall kindnesse , to this day among the best men in France , to reduce a Syllogisme in Bocardo togither . Insomuch as I haue heard it seriously tolde , that a great Magnifico of Venice , being Ambassador in France , and hearing a Noble person was come to speak with him , made him stay till he had vntyed his points ; and when he was new set on his stoole , sent for the Noble man to come to him at that time ; as a very speciall fauour . And for other good fellowships I doubt not , but from the beginning it hath often happened , that some of the Nymphes of this gentle goddesse , haue met so luckily with some of her deuout chaplens , in her chappels of ease , and paid their priuie tithes so duely , and done their seruice togither with such deuotion ; that for reward , she hath preferred them within fortie weeks after to Iuno Lucina , and so to Vagitana , Lacturtia , and Cunina : for euen to this day , such places continue very fortunate . And wheras I named deuotion , I would not haue you thinke , how homely soeuer the place is , that all deuotion is excluded from it . For I happening to demand of a deare friend of mine , concerning a great companion of his , whether he were religious or no , and namely if he vsed to pray ; he tolde me , that to his remembrance he neuer heard him aske any thing of God , nor thanke God for any thing ; except it were at a Iakes , he heard him say , he thanked God , he had had a good stoole . Thus you see , a good stoole might moue as great deuotion in some man , as a bad sermon ; & sure it sutes very well , that Quorum Deus est venter , eorum templum sit cloaca . he that maks his belly his god , I wold haue him make a Iakes his chappell . But he that would in deede call to minde , how Arrius , that notable and famous , or rather infamous heretike , came to his miserable end vppon a Iakes ; might take iust occasion euen at that homely businesse , to haue godly thoughts ; rather then as some haue , wanton , or most haue , idle . To which purpose I remember in my riming dayes , I wrote a short Elegie vpon a homely Embleme ; which both verse and Embleme , they haue set vp in Cloacinas chappell , at my house very solemnely . And I am the willinger to impart it to my friends , because I protest to you truely , a sober Gentleman protested to me seriously ; that the conceit of the picture & the verse , was an occasion to put honest and good thoughts into his mind . And Plutarke defends with many reasons , in his booke called Symposeons , Lib. 5. qu●st. 1. that where the matters them selues often are vnpleasant to behold , their counterfeits are seene not without delectation .

Sprint● non spint● . More feard then hurt .

A godly father sitting on a draught , To do as neede , and nature hath vs taught ; Mumbled ( as was his manner ) certen pray'rs , And vnto him the Diuell straight repayr's : And boldly to reuile him he begins , Alledging that such prayr's are deadly sins ; And that it shewd , he was deuoyd of grace , To speake to God , from so vnmeete a place . The reuerent man , though at the first dismaid , Yet strong in faith , to Satan thus he said ; Thou damned spirit , wicked , false and lying , Dispa●ring thin● owne good , and ours en●ying : Ech take his due , and me thou canst not hurt , To God my pray'r I meant , to thee the durt . Pure prayr ascends to him that high doth sit , Downe fals the filth , for fiends of hell more fit .

Wherefore , though I grant many places and times are much fitter for true deuotion , yet I dare take it vppon me ; that if we would giue the Deuill no kinder entertainment in his other suggestions , then this father gaue him in his causelesse reproofe ( for he gaue it him in his teeth , take it how he would , ) I say we should not so easily be ouerthrowne with his assaults , as daily we are , For want of the good take heede . for lacke of due resistance . But come we now to more particular and not so serious matter ; haue not many men of right good conceit , serued themselues with diuerse pretie emblems , of this excrementall matter . As that in Alciat , to shew that base fellows oft-times swimme in the streame of good fortune , as well as the worthiest . Nos quoque poma nat amus . Or as the old prouerbe , Pom● , signifies horsedong as well as apple● . as well as embleme , that doth admonish men not to contend with base and ignominious persons . Hoc scio pro certo , quod si cum sterc●re cert● Vinco ceu vincor , semper ego maculor . I know if I contend with dirtie foes , I must be foyld , whether I win or lose . Which Embleme had almost hindred me the writing of this present discourse , saue that a good friend of mine told me , that this is a fansie and not a fight , and that if it should grow to a fight ; he assured me I had found so excellent a warde against his chiefe dart , which is his strong breath , that I were like to quit my handes in the fray , as well as any man . But to proceede in these rare Emblemes ; who hath not read or heard , of the Picture made in Germanie , at the first rising of Luther ? where to shew as it were by an Embleme , with what drosse , and draffe , the Pope and his partners fed the people ; they caused him to be purtraied in his Pontificalibus riding on a great sow , and holding before her taster , a dirty pudding : which dirtie deuise , Sleidan the Historian verie iustly and grauely , both reports and reproues ; yet it serued a turne for the time , and made great sport to the people . But when this May-game was done , an hundred thousand of them came home by weeping crosse ; so as the poore sow was not onely sold by the eares , but sould by a drumme , or slaine by the sword . Yet the Flaunders cow , had more wit then the Germane sow : for she was made after an other sort , viz. the Mirror of Princes feeding her , the Terror of Princes spurring her , the Prince of Orange milking her , or after some such fashion , for I may faile in the particulars ; but the conclusion was , that Monsieur d' Allanson ( who indeede with most noble endeuour , though not with so happie successe , attempted them ) would haue pulled her backe by the taile , and she filed his fingers . And thus much for Emblemes . Now for poesie ( though Emblemes also are a kind of poesie ) I rather doubt , that the often vsage of such words , wil make the Poets be condemned ; then that the Poets authorities , will make the wordes be allowed : but if their example can giue any countenance to them , they shall want none . It is certaine , that of all poems , the Epigram is the wittiest , & of al that writes Epigrams , Martiall is counted the pleasantest . He in his 38. ep. of his first booke , hath a distichon , that is very plyable to my purpose ; of one that was so stately , that her close stoole was of gold , but her drinking cup of glasse . Ventris onus puro , 1. 38. nec te pudet excipis auro : Sed b●bis in vitro , charius ergo cacas . And in the same booke , to the gentlewoman that had a pleasure , to haue her dogge licke her lips , as many do now a dayes .

Os , & labra , 1. 74. tibi lingit Mane●a Catellus : Non miror merdas , si libet esse can● . Thy dog still lickes thy lips , but t is no hurt : I ma●uell not , to see a dog eate durt .

Further in his third booke , he mocks one of his fellow Poets , that draue away all good company with his verses , euery man thought it such a penance to heare them .

Na● tantos rogo quis ferat labores , 3. 44. Et stanti legis , & legis sedenti , Currenti legis , & legis cacanti , In Thermas fugio sonas ad aurem , &c. Alas my head with thy long readings akes , Standing or sitting , thou readst euery wheare , If I would walke , if I would go t' AIAX , If to the Bath , thou still art in mine eare .

Whereby the way , you may note that the French curtesie I spake of before , came from the Romaines ; sith in Martials time , they shunned not one the others companie , at Monsieur AIAX . But now it may be some man will say , that these wanton and ribald phrases , were pleasing to those times of licentiousnesse , and paganisme that knew not Christ ; but now they are abhorred and detested , & quite out of request . I would to God with all my heart , he lyed not that so sayd ; and that indeede Religion could roote out as it should do , all such wanton and vaine toyes ( if they be all wanton and vaine ) yet I am sure , that euen in this age , & in this realme , men of worth , and wit , haue vsed the wordes and phrases , in as homely sort as Martial , some in light , some in serious matter . Among Sir Thomas Mores Epigrams , that flie ouer all Europe for their wit & conceit , the very last ( to make a sweet conclusion ) is this , Sectile ne tetros porrum tibi spiret odores ; Protinus ● porro fac mihi cepe vores , Den●o foet●rem si vis depellere cepe : Hoc facile efficient allia mansa tibi ; Spiritus at si post etiam grauis , allia res● at ; Aut nihil , aut tantum , tollere ●●erda potest .

Which for their sakes that loue garlicke , I haue taken some paines with , though it went against my stomacke once or twise .

If leekes you leeke , but do their smell disleeke , Eate onions , and you shall not smell the leeke : If you of onions would the sent expell , Eate garlick , that shall drown the onions smell , But against garlikes sauour , at one word , I know but one receipt , what s that ? go looke .

Now fie , will you name it , and reade it to Ladies , thus you make them blame me that meant no lesse . But to come againe to pleasant Sir Thomas , he hath another Epigram , that though this was but a sowre one , I durst as liue be his halfe at this as at that , and it is about a medicine for the collicke . Te crepitus perdit ni●●ium , si ventre ret entus , Te pr●pere emissus seruat item crepitus : Si crepitus seruare potest , & perdere nunquid , Terrificis crepitus , regibus aequa potest . Thus il-fauoredly in English , Non'est bonum luderecum sanctu . for I will tell you true , my Muse was afraide to translate this Epigram : It is good to play with your fellows . & she brought me out three or foure sayings against it , both in Latine and English : An ●escis lon●as regibus esse manus . and two or three shrewd examples , both of this last Poet , who died not of the collicke , He was beheaded . and of one Collingborne , that was hanged for a distichon of a Cat , a rat , & a dogge . Yet I opposed Murus aheneus esto nil conscire sibi , and so with much a do , she came out with it . To breake a little winde , Sometime ones life doth saue . For want of vent behinde , Some folke their ruine haue : A power it hath therefore , Of life , and death expresse : A king can cause no more , A cracke doth do no lesse . And when she had made it in this sorie fashion , she bad me wish my friends , that no man should follow Sir Th. Mores humour , to write such Epigrās as he wrate , except he had the spirite , Two Apothegmes of Sir Thomas More . to speake two such Apothegmes as he spake , of which the last seemes to fall fit into our text . The first was , when the King sent to him to know if he had chaunged his minde ; he answered , yea : the King sent straight a counseller to him , to take his subscription to the fix Articles . Oh said he , I haue not chaunged my minde in that matter , but onely in this ; I thought to haue sent for a Barber , to haue bene shauen ere I had died , but now if it please the King , he shall cut off head ; and beard , and all together . But the other was milder , and pretier ; for after this , one comming to him as of good will , to tell him he must prepare him to dye , for he could not liue : he called for his vrinall , and hauing made water in it , he cast it , & viewed it ( as Physicians do ) a prety while ; at last he sware soberly , that he saw nothing in that mans water , but that he might liue , if it pleased the King ; a pre●i● saying , both to note his owne innocency , and moue the Prince to mercy : and it is like , if this tale had bene as friendly told the King , as the other perhaps was vnfriendly enforced against him , sure the King had pardoned him . But alas what cared hee , ( to say truth ) what neede he care , that cared not for death ? But to step backe to my teshe ( though euerie place I step to , yeeldes me sweeter discourse ) what thinke you by Haywood , that scaped hanging with his mirth , the King being graciously and ( as I thinke ) truly perswaded , that a man that wrate so pleasant and harmelesse verses , could not haue any harmefull conceit against his proceedings , and so by the honest motion of a Gentleman of his chamber , saued him from the ierke of the six stringd whip . This Haywood for his Prouerbs & Epigrams , is not yet put downe by any of our countrey , though one doth indeed come neare him , that graces him the more , in saying he puts him downe . But both of them haue made sport with as homely words as ours be ▪ M. Dauies . one of a Gentlewomans gloue , saue that without his consent it is no good manners to publish it but old Haywoods sayth : Except wind stand , as neuer wind sto●d , It is an ill wind blowes no man good .

And another not vnpleasant , one that I cannot omit . By word without writing one let out a farme , The lessee most lewdly the rent did retaine , Whereby the lesser wanting writing had harme : Wherefore he vowed , while life did remaine , Without writing neuer to let thing againe ▪ Husband quoth the wife , that oath againe reuart , Else without writing you cannot let a cracke God thanke the sweet wife , quoth he , from my hart : And so on the lips did her louingly smacke . Such a thing it was , but not hauing the booke here , and my memorie being no better then I would haue it , I haue stumbled on it as well as I can . But now to strike this matter dead with a sound authoritie indeede , and in so serious a matter as vnder heauen is no weightier , to such a person , as in the world is no worthier , from such a scholer , as in Oxford was no learneder , marke what a verse here is , an Eucharisticall and Pareneticall verse . He saith : It Italici Augaei stabulum foedumque cloacam , Ate purgars Romanaque 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 tolli .

If he had sayd Stercora , I could guesse well enough what it had meant , but that the Greek hath in some eares a better emphasis . Thus writes their great Campiano 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , that confoundes all the Puritano Papist as . M. Raynolds much more seemly vseth the metaphor , li. 1 c. 8. p. 290. And yet to say truly , I make no great boast of his authoritie to my text . If I had alledged him in Diuinitie , I would haue stood ●ustily to it , Iesuitae ●imum in ipsius capt●● re●orquere . and sayd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , but for verses in prayse of his Mistresse , there be twentie of vs may set him to schoole : for be it spoken without disgrace or disprayse to his Poetrie , such a metaphor had bene fitter for a plaine Dame , abhorring all Princely pompe , and not refusing to weare russet coates , then for the magnificent Maiestie of a Mayden Monarke . Beleeue me , I would fayne haue made him speake good rime in English , but ( as I am a true 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ) I beat my braynes about it , the space that one may go with the tyde from London bridge , downe where the Priest fell in vpon the mayd , and from thence almost to Wapping , and yet I could not couch it into a cleanely distichon . But yet because I know Mistresse Philostilpnos will haue a great minde to know what it meanes , I will tell her by some handsome circumlocution . His meaning is , that a Ladie of Ladies , did for zeale to the Lord of Lordes , take the like paines to purge some Popish abuses , as the great giantly Hercules did for Augeus . Now what maner of worke that was , in the processe of this discourse one way or other , you shall see me bring it in , though yet I know not where will be the fittest place for it : here yet you see by the way I haue told the mans meaning reasonable mannerly , yet still me thinke I can say of his metaphor , That still ( me thinke ) he vsde a phrase as pliant , That said , his Mistres was for wit a giant .

But I pray you let me go backe againe to mery Martiall : for I should haue one more of his , if I haue not lost it , Ad Phoebum . Oh here I haue it . Vtere lactucis & mollibus vtere maluis , 3. 68. Nam faciem durum Phoebe cacantis , habes . He aduises him to take somewhat to make him soluble , for his face looked as if he were asking , who should be M. Mayor the next yeare . But I thinke this iest was borrowed of Vespasianus foole , or else the foole borrowed it of him : but the iest is worthy to be receiued into this discourse . This foole had iested somewhat at all the boord , saue Vespasian him selfe ; and belike he thought , it was ill playing with edge tooles , and Emperours ; but Vespasian commaunded him , and promised him franke pardon , to breake a good iest vpon him . Well Sir ( then said the foole ) I will but tary till you haue done your businesse ; whereby he quipped the Emperours ill feature of face , that euen when he was meriest , looked as if he had bene wringing hard on a close stoole . But let vs seek some better authorities then Epigrams and Iesters : sure I am I shall finde in historie , which is called nuncia vetustatis , vita memoriae , the reporter of antiquities , the life of memory , many phrases , expressing the same action , and not thinking their stile any whit abased thereby . He that writes the first booke of Samuel tels , that Dauid did cut off the lap of Saules coate , 1. Sam. 24. Spelunca quam i●gressus est Saul , vt purgaret ventrem . & leaues not to tell , what Saule was then doing . The writer of Bassianus life telles , how he was not onely priuily murdred , but murdred at the priuy . Heliogabulus body was throwen into a Iakes , S●etonius . as writ●th Suetonius . Lastly the best , and best written part of all our Chronicles , in all mens opinions , is that of Richard the third , written as I haue heard by Moorton ▪ but as most suppose , by that worthy , and vncorrupt Magistrate , Sir Thomas More , sometime Lord Chancelor of England , where it is written , how the king was deuising with Teril , how to haue his nephews priuily murdred , and it is added , he was then sitting on a draught ( a fit carpet for such a counsel . ) But to leaue these tragicall matters , and come to comicall , looke into your sports of hauking and hunting , of which noble recreations , the noble Sir Philip Sidney was wont to say , that next hunting , he liked hauking worst , but the faulconers and hunters would be euen with him , and say , that these bookish fellowes , such as he , could iudge of no sports , but within the verge of the faire fields of Helicon , Pindus , and Pernasus . Now I would aske you Sir , lest you should thinke I neuer read Sir Tristram . Doe you not sometime ( beside the fine phrase , or rather Metaphor , of inewing a woodcock ) talke , both of putting a heron to the mount , & then of his s●cing ? ●ell of springing a pheasant and a partridge , and finde them out by their dropping ? Doe you not further , to iudge of your haulkes health ; looke on her casting ? if it be blacke at one end , and the rest yellow , you feare she hath the phillanders , if it be all blacke , you shall see and smell , she is not sound . Lastly , you haue a speciall regard to obserue , if she make a cleane mute . Moreouer for hunting , when you haue harbourd a stag , or lodged a buck , doth not the keeper , before he comes to rouse him from his lodging , ( not without some ceremony ) shew you his femishing , that thereby you may iudge if he be a seasonable deare ? And soone after , followes the melodious cry of the hounds , which the good Lady could not heare , because the dogs kept such a barking . And when all this is done , and you are rehearsing at dinner what great sport you haue had : in the middest of your sweet meates , in comes Melampus , or Ringwood , that sang the base that morning , and in the returne home , lighted vppon some powderd vermin , and layes a chase vnder the table , that makes all as sweet as any suger-carrion ; & all this you willingly beare with , because it is your pastime . Thus you must needes confesse , it is more then manifest , that without reproofe of ribaldry , or scurrility , writings both holy , and prophane , Emblemes , Epigrams , Histories , and ordinary and familiar communication ; admits the vse of the words , with all their apurtenaunces ; in citing examples whereof , I haue bene the more copious , because of this captious time , so ready to backebite euery mans worke , and I would forewarne men not to bite here , lest they bite an vnsauory morsell . But here me thinke it were good to make a pause , & ( as it were at a long dinner ) to take away the first course ; which commonly is of the coursest meate , as powdred bie●e and mustard , or rather ( to compare it fitter ) fresh biefe and garlicke ; for that hath three properties , more suting to this discourse : viz. to make a man winke , drinke , and stinke . Now for your second course , I could wish I had some larkes , and quailes , but you must haue such as the market I come from will affoord , alwaies remembred , that our retiring place , or place of rende vous ( as is expedient when men haue filled their bellies ) must be Monsieur AIAX , for I must still keepe me to my tesh : wherefore as I say , here I will make the first stop , and if you mislike not the fare thus farre , I will make the second course make you some amends .

THE SECOND SECTION , prouing the matter not to be contemptible .

IT hath bene in the former part hereof sufficiently proued , that there is no obscenity , or barbarisme in words concerning our necessaries : but now for the place , where these necessaries are to be done , perhaps some will obiect , that it was neuer of that importance , but that it was left to each mans own care to prouide , for that which concerned his owne peculiar necessitie . It is not so , for I can bring very aut●nticall proofs out of auncient records , and histories ; that the greatest magistrates that euer were , haue employed their wits , their care , and their cost , about these places ; as also haue made diuerse good lawes , proclamations , and decrees about the same : & all thereto belonging ; as by this that ensues shall more plainely appeare . In the handling whereof . I will vse a contrary method to the former : for I wil begin now with prophane stories , and end with deuine . First therefore most certaine it is , that mischiefes make vs seeke remedies , diseases make vs find medicines , & euill maners make good lawes . And as in all other things , so by all likelyhood in this we now treate of , when companies of men began first to increase , and make of families townes , and of towns cities , they quickly found not onely offence , but infection , to grow out of great concourse of people , if speciall care were not had to auoyd it . And because they could not remoue houses , as they do tents , from place to place , they were driuen to finde the best meanes that their wits did then serue them , to couer , rather then to auoyd these annoiances : either by digging pits in the earth , or placing the common houses ouer riuers : but as Tully saith of Metaphors , that they were like our apparell : first deuised to hide nakednesse , then applied for comelinesse , and lastly abused for pride : so I may say of these homely places , that first they were prouided for b●●e necessitie , for indeede till Romulus time I finde little mention of them ; then they came to be matters of some more cost , as shall appeare in examples following ; and I thinke I might also lay pride to their charge : for I haue seene them in cases of fugerd sattin , and veluet ( which is flat against the statute of apparell ) but for sweetnesse or cleanlines , 33. Henry 8. For it is no reason M. AIAX should haue a better gowne then his Mistresse . I neuer knew yet any of them guilty of it ; but that if they had but waited on a Lady in her chamber a day , or a night , they would haue made a man ( at his next entrance into the chamber ) haue sayd , so , good speedye . Now , as scholers do daily seeke out new phrases , & metaphors ; and Tailors do oft inuent new vardingales , and breeches : so I see no reason , but Magistrates may as well now as heretofore , deuise new orders for cleanlinesse , and wholsomnesse . But now to the stories , I alledged before , as it were at the second hand , out of Lactantius ; how Titus Tacius that was king with Romulus , erected the Statue of the Goddesse Cloacina , in a great Priuy , made for that purpose . I finde after this in the story of Liuy , how Tarquinius Pryscus , a man of excellent good spirit , but husband to awife of a more excellent spirit ; a man that wan a kingdome with making a learned oration , and lost it with hearing a rude one ; a king , that was first crowned by an Eagle , counselled by an Augure , and killed by a traytor ; whose raigne & his ruine , were both most strangely foretold . This worthy Prince is reported by that excellent historian , to haue made two prouisions for his city , one for warre , the other for peace , both very commendable : for warre a stone wall about the towne , to defend them from outward inuasions ; and for peace , a goodly Iakes within the towne , with a vault to conuey all the filth into Tiber , to preserue them from inward infection .

Not long after him raigned Tarquinius , surnamed the Proud , a tyrant I confesse , and an vsurper , and husband to a dragon rather then a woman : but himselfe surely , a man valiant in war , prouident in peace , and in that yong world , a notable politician : of whom Liuy takes this speciall note , that comming to the crown without law , and fearing others might follow his example , to do that to him , he had done to another● he was the first that appointed a a guard for his person , the first that drew publike matters to priuate hearings , the first that made priuate wars , priuat peace , priuate confederacies ; the first that lessened the number of the Senators ; the first , that when any of them died , kept their roomes voyde , with many excellent Machiauillen lessons ; which , who so wold be better instructed of , let him read but his accusing of Turnus , his stratagem against the Gabians , &c. But the matter I would praise him for , is none of all these , but only , because he built a stately temple , and a costly Iakes , the words be , Cloacámque maximam receptaculum omnium purgamentorum vrbis , a mighty great vault to receiue all the filth of the city . Of which two works , ioyning them both together , Liuy saith thus , Quibus duobus operibus , vix noua haec magnificentia quicquam adequauit . Which two great works , the new magnificence of this our age , can hardly match . Now though Brutus , after in a popular & seditious oration , to incite the multitude to rebellion , debased this worthy worke of his , saying he wasted the treasure of the realme , and tyred & toyled out the people , in exhauriendis cloacis , in emptying of Iaxes ( for that was his word ) yet it appeares by the history , that if his son had not defloured the chast Lucrece ( the mirrour of her sex ) Brutus with his fained folly , true value , and great eloquence , could neuer haue displaced him . For euen with all his faults you see , that Brutus his owne sons would haue had him againe ; who laying their heads together , with many yong gallants , that thought them selues much wiser then their fathers ; concluded among themselues , that a king was better then a Consull , a Court better then a Senate ; that to liue onely by lawes , was too strict and rigorous a life , and better for pesantly then princely dispositions : that Kings could fauour , as well as frowne , reward , as well as reuenge , pardon , as well as punish , whereas the law was mercilesse , mute , and immutable , finally , they concluded it was ill liuing for them , where nothing but innocency could protect a man . Lo Brutus , how eloquently thy sons can plead against their father ; but thou hast a Iury of sure free-holders , that gaue a verdite against them , and thy selfe wast both iudge and shiriffe , and hastenedst execution .

O braue minded Brutus ! I will not call thee primus Romanorum , because one was shent for calling one of thy posterity , vltimus Romanorum , but this I must truly say , they were two Brutish parts both of him , and you ; one to kil his sons for treason , the other to kill his father in treason ; Caesar called Brutus son , and sayd to him when he stabd at him , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . and yet you would both make vs beleeue you had reason , and why so ? forsooth because Victrix causa placet superis , sed victa Catoni . That is to say in English , You had great fortune , and your cosin had great friends , yet neither died in bed , but both in battell , onely his death was his enemies aduancement , and thy death was thy enemies destruction . But to omit these trifles , and to returne to my tesh ; whereas thou railest against so great a Prince , for making of so sumptuous a Iakes , this I cannot endure at thy hands : & if thou hadst played me such a sawcy part here in my countrey , first of mine owne authority , It seems the writer hereof would fain be thought a Iustice of peace . I would haue granted the good behauiour against you : secondly , Tarquinius him selfe might haue Scandalum magnatum against you : & thirdly , a bill should haue bene framed against you in the Star chamber , vpon the statute of vnlawfull assemblies : & then you would haue wisht you had kept your eloquence to your selfe , and not when a man hath done but two good workes in all his life , you to stand rayling at one of them . For suppose that Tarquin had giuen me but a fee , thus would I pleade for him . Maister Brutus you haue made vs beleeue all this while , you were but a foole ; but I see now , if one had begged you , he should haue found you a Bygamus . And whereas you seeme to disgrace my honorable client , for making of A IAX , I dare vndertake to proue it , that your owne lawes , your religions , your customes , yea your conscience , is against you , and shews , it is but a meere calumniation . For to omit Dame Cloacina , so lately deified , did not the noble Hercules , whom you Brutus honor as a God , far ancienter then Quirinus , and Romulus , among those many labours that eternized his memory , make cleane Augeus dunghils . Quis non Euristea durum Aut illaudati nescit Busiridis aras . If the worke haue a basenesse , Tarquinius but with his purse , Hercules with his person effected it , leauing a patterne to posterity both of labour and wit , for by turning a streame of water on the mickesons , he scowred away that in a weeke , that an hundred could scant haue done in a yeare . Then would I end with some exclamation , and say , O tempora , ô mores ! Oh times , oh manners ! If a man be not popular , you will straight say , he is proud ; if he keepe good hospitality , you will say he doth but fill many Iaxes ; if he build goodly vauts for sewers , you will say , he spends his treasure in exhauriendis cloacis Or rather I would say , O Hercules come and bend thy bow against Brutus , that shootes arrowes through thy sides to slay Tarquinius . Martial . 505 Ca●p●r●●●usidi 〈◊〉 fertur meacarmina qui●● N●scio si sciero ve ti●i causidice . But now let me leaue playing the lawyer , and lawyerlike be friends immediatly with him whom euen now I talked against so earnestly , I meane with Brutus ; because indeed sauing in this one case , I neuer meane to be of counsell with Tarquin : for such proud clients will speake vs passing faire while we serue their turnes , & after picke a quarrell against vs when we sue for a reward . Now therefore to go forward with the story .

When this valiant Brutus had thus discharged the Kings and Queenes out of the packe , and shewed himselfe indeede a sworne and vowed enemy to all the coate cardes , there crept in many new formes of gouernment , and euery one worse then other , namely , Consuls , Dictators , Decemuiri , Tribunes , Triumuiri , till at last after oft enterchanges , it came to the gouernment of Emperours . In all which times , there were not onely lawes , and speciall caueats giuen to the great officers in time of war and danger , Ne quid respab detrimenticaperet , to looke to the safety of the maine chance ( the common wealth ) but also there were officers of good account , as Aediles , Praetores vrbis ▪ that made inquiries de stillicijis , de aquae ductibus , of reparation of houses , of watercourses , or common sewers , of which I could recite out of the 43. booke of the Digest . tit. 23. de cloacis . where you shall finde : It was lawfull for any man purgare & reficere cloacam : What officers were to licence him that would priuatam cloacam facere , quae habeat exitum in publicum : What speciall care was to be had of Tubus and Fistula . Lastly , that nouam cloacam facere is concedit , cui publicar●̄ viarum cura sit . That is , that no man might make a new Iakes , but he that had licence of the wardens of high wayes . With much more which I would cite , if it were not to auoid prolixity . And from them no doubt was deriued our commission of sewers , of which , the best of vs all I hope , will take no scorne : which commission , though in our countrey it is chiefly intended to keepe open the chanels of riuers in the deepe countrey , that the water may haue free passage . Yet the very name imports , that therin is comprised the subiect of my present Discourse , which in populous townes had as much neede to be looked to , as the other , infection being fit to be auoided aswell as innundation . But now I hasten to imperiall examples : for though I haue shewed already some authorities for my text , out of the practise of the lawes , the prouident care of Magistrates , the magnificent cost of kings , the religion ( though false ) of pagans . Yet vntill I haue added to all these , the maiesty of Emperours , and the verity of Scriptures , I suppose some carping mouths will not be stopped .

The first example I meete with among the Emperours , Some of our rude countreymen English this obtorto collo , hanging an arse . was a matter rather of curtesie then cost : and if any man will say , that I draw this into my Treatise , as it were obtorto collo , I answere , that in my vnderstanding , the tale falleth so fit and proper vnto this discourse , as indeede to haue brought it into any discourse sauing of AIAX , I would say it were vnproper and vnciuill . The argument holdes à min●re ad maius . Now hearken to my tale . Claudius Emperour of Rome , and husband to that filthie Masselyna , Agrippa saith of her , that she lay with 22. seueral men in 24. houres , at the common stewes . & tandem lassata viris non satiata redijt . ( Vilissima quae fuerunt vel sunt , ) she that was worthie , for the commonnesse of her bodie ( be it spoken with sauing the reuerence of all women that are or were , saue her selfe ) to haue bin metamorphized into AIAX , rather then poore Hecuba , for barking at him that kild her son , into a bitch . This Claudius I say , though not for cost ( as Tarquin ) yet for his curtesie was greatly to be commended : for a Gentleman one day being talking with him , and falling suddenly into a grieuous fit of the cholicke , the poore Gentleman would not for good manners sake breake wind , which might presently haue eased him , & after the disease increased so sore on him that he died . The Emperour enformed of his death , was much grieued thereat , specially hearing of the cause , & immediatly thereupon made it be solemnly proclaimed , that if any man hereafter should be troubled with the cholick , it should not be taken for ill maners to break wind , though it were in the Emperours owne company . Now it may be , some man in disgrace of this proclamation , will say , that this Claudius was but a cuckold and a foole . I answer , that for the cuckold , that was none of his fault , & if it were a fault , God forbid all our faults should be seene on our foreheads ▪ And for the foole , the old prouerbe may serue vs , Stultorum plena sunt omnia , the world is full of fooles . But take heede how you beg him for a foole , for I haue heard of one that was begged in the Court of wards for a foole , & when it came to triall , he proued a wiser man by much , then he that begged him . And though I haue small skill in the law , specially in these prerogatiue cases , ( for I must confesse I studied Littleton but to the title of discontinuance ) yet me thinke I should finde a quirke , to make them that should beg him haue a cold sute in the court of wards . For I take it to be a ruled case , that though a man h●ld wholly in Capite , put the case by a whole Knights seruice , or halfe a nights seruice , yet if he be couert Baron , as Claudius was ( for I am sure his wife ware the breeches ) & being at his foole age of 31. the Custodia must of course be graunted to the wife , although the man be plus digne de sang . And thus much we say , sauing to our selues all aduantage of exception to the vnsufficiencie of the bill , Two par●s why Cl●udius was esteemed a foole . Looke Sueton . &c. And without that the sayd Claudius did fondly to cause a mans hand to be cut off vpon the motion of a stranger , and without that he had almost marred all the pastime he & his friends should haue had at a Naumachia or sea-game , with resaluting the slaues that should haue fought , in good Latin . And lastly , without that the sayd Claudius at his being in England Claudius was in England . ( though he was counted one of the best free-holders in Middlesex ) could forfeit any land that he held by the right of his sword , either in fee-simple , or fee-taile , either by the socke , or the smocke , to any other Lady , but the Lady his wife . But alas Claudius , thy friendes may say , that I am a bad Lawyer , for all this while I haue done litle better then confesse the action , but I care not seeing thou art dead , Mortui non mordent , and it were fitter now to preach for thee , then to pleade for thee : well then for thy gentle proclamations sake , loe what in sadnesse ( if I were to make thy funerall Sermon ) I would say for thee , that howsoeuer some writers haue wronged thee with the name of a foole , He is called foole to his face . in one of thy iudgements I may liken thy wisedome to Salomon , But hereby hangs a tale . Claudius his iudgement like that of Salomon . and in one of thy iests , I can compare thy wit with Diogenes . Asse for example , a woman on a time disclaiming her sonne , & pretending that for conscience sake she must needes confesse a truth , viz. how her owne child died , & this was a Supposititius , a substitute in his place , for auoyding of her husbands displeasure , no euidence appearing to the contrary , & the next heire following the matter very hard , by complot with the mother , who remained obstinate in the tale , Claudius then sitting in iudgement , seemes to beleeue it , and seeing the man a comely young man , and she no old woman , and oft protesting she maliced him not : he commanded her immediatly in his presence to marrie him . The malicious mother driuen to that vnlookt for pinch , openly confessed her vnnaturall malice , to auoyde so vnnaturall a mariage ; and thus much for his iustice ; now let vs here what his iest is . A certaine Gentleman that had his fingers made of lime twigges , stole a peece of plate from Claudius one day at a banket ; the conueyaunce was not so cleanly , but one had spied it , and told the Emperour , & offered to accuse him of it , whereby his goods might haue bene all confiscate : but this good Prince would neither head him nor hang him , no nor so much as once suffer him to be troubled ; onely the next time he came , he caused him to be serued in an earthen dish . The Gentleman being abashed at it , for the dish gaue him his dinner . Claudius was so far from laying his crime in his dish , that he sayd , be of good cheare man , and fall to thy meate , & when thou hast dined put vp that dish too : for I will spare thee that with a better will then the last , for perhaps thou hast a minde to poke vp thy dish when thou likest thy meate well . And so farewell good Claudius , & when any of my friends are troubled with the collicke . I hope I shall make them remember thee .

The next Emperour that is fit to bring into this discourse , is Vespasian , though his predecessour Vitellius , who is noted to haue bin a passing greater eater , would ( I thinke ) haue taken it in good part , to haue bin offred a cleanly & easie place for egestion after his good digestion . But to the purpose . Vespasian before he was Emperour had borne some other offices , among the which , one was Aedilis and it is written of him , that he incurred great displeasure with Otho then Emperour , because he had not seene better to the keeping sweet of the streets , and caused the filth of them ( according to his office ) to be caried to the places appointed for the same . But afterward himselfe comming to be Emperour ( though the Citie of Rome was before his time sufficiently furnished of Iaxes ) yet it seemed there wanted other places of neare affinitie to them ( which he found belike when he was Aedile by experience ) I meane certaine pissing conduites : and therefore he caused diuerse to be erected in the most populous and frequented places of the Citie , and saued all the vrine in cesternes , and sold it for a good summe of money to the Dyers . But though I tell you the tale thus plainely , you must imagine the matter was much more formally and sinely handled , and namely , that there was an Edict set out in this sort .

By the Emperour C. Flauius Vespasianus , pater patriae , semper Augustus , &c.

FOrasmuch as his Maiestie hath bene enformed by sundry credible men , that great abuse is committed by the irreuerent demeanure of diuerse persons , ill brought vp , who without all due respect of ciuilitie & reuerence , in most vnseemely manner , shed their vrine , not onely against the wals of his royall pallace , but also against the temples of the Gods & Goddesses . Whereby not onely vgly and lothsome sights , but filthy and pestiferous sauours are dayly ingendred , his Maiestie therfore as well of a fatherly care of his citizens , as of a filiall reuerence to the Gods , hath to his great charges , & of his princely bounty & magnificence , erected diuerse & sundry places of faire polished marble , for this speciall purpose , requiring , & no lesse straightly charging all persons , aswell Citizens as straungers , to refraine from all other places , sauing these especially appointed , as they tender his fauour , &c.

Thus could I haue penned the Edict , if I had bene secretarie . For it had not bene worth a figge , if they had not artificially couered the true intent ( which was the profite ) and gloriously set foorth the goodly and godly pretence ( that was least thought on ) viz. the health of the people , and cleane keeping of the temples . But I doubt , notwithstanding this goodly Edict , it will be obiected , that it was condemned for a base part , by a iudge whose sentence is aboue all appeale : I meane that noble Titus , deliciae humani generis , he that thought the day lost in which he had done no man good : to answer which , I would but say as was sayd to him , when the pissing money was put into the perfumed purse , suauis odor lucri , the smell of gaine is sweet . And I dare vndertake , this answer will satisfie my Lord Maior of London , and many of the worshipfull of the Citie , that make sweet gaines of stinking wares , Oyles , oad , tarre , &c. and will laugh and be fat , and say : So we get the chinkes , We will beare with the stinkes . But I must find out a better aunswere for courtly wits , and therefore I say to them , that according to the discipline & custom of the Romanes ( in my opinion , vnder reformation of their better iudgements ) this was so honorable a part of Vespasian , that he was therefore worthy to haue bene deified . For if Saturnus were allowed as a God , by the name of Stercutius , as is before alleaged , for finding a profitable vse of all manner soyle , I see a good reason ( àpaeribus ) that Vespasian should aswell be deified , for finding a meanes to make money of vrine , and accordingly to be named Vrinatius , of Vrina , as the other is , of Stercus , Stercutius . Further Vespasian was famous for two true miracles done by him , greater then all their gods beside euer did . Now if any take exceptions to his face , because the foole told him , he looked as if it went hard with him : trust me it shall goe hard with me too , but I will find somewhat to say , for him ; and first I will get some of the painting that comes from the riuer of Orenoque , which will wonderfully mend his complexion . Secondly , I will say this , how bad soeuer his face was , he had something so good , that a handsome woman gaue him a thousand crownes , for putting his seale with his labell to her pattent , and yet she exhibited the petition ( as I take it ) in forma paper , for she was starke naked . Once this I am sure Suetonius writes , that when his steward asked him , how he shold set down that 1000. crownes on his booke , he b●d him write it among his other perquisites , in some such sort . It. for respit of h●●age from a louing tenant to her louely Lord for a whole knights f●e , recepi — 1000 , crown●● .

Now for his wit , though I could tell you two excellent tales , how he deceiued a groome of his chamber , of his brother , and how he would needs be halfe with his horse-keeper , for setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none : yet I omit them both , because many will be too apt to follow the president , and I will keepe me very strictly to my tesh , and specially because I hasten to a most royall example . I meane of Traian . There is no man ( I thinke ) that hath either trauelled farre countreys , or read forraine stories , but hath either heard of the famous exploits and victories that he had , or seene some of the stately and sumptuous monuments that he made . This Traian was Emperor of Rome , and then Emperor when Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatnes , a man whose conquests were most glorious , whose buildings were most gorgeous , whose iustice was most gracious , he that stayed his whole armie , to right the cause of one widdow , he that created a Magistrate , and deliuering him the sword for iustice , said to him , vse this for me as long as I gouerne iustly , but against me when I gouerne otherwise , he in whose time no learned man was seene want , no poore man was seene begge , hee that would boast of Nerua his predecessor , of Plotina his wife , of Plutarke his counceller : finally , this Traian was so well accomplished a Prince in all princely vertues , as no storie , no time , no memorie , in all points can match him . This most renow●ed Emperor , hearing there was a towne in Bithinia , farre off from Rome , and in a place where he was like neuer to bee troubled with the euill sauour , that was much annoyed for lacke of a good conueyance of the common priuies , thought himselfe bound ( as a father to all his subiects ) to prouide a remedie for such an inconuenience , and of his owne purse hee tooke order for making a vault of great cost and charge in the citie . And for full satisfaction of the reader herein , I will set downe the two Epistles , as I find them in the tenth booke of the Epistles of Plinius Secundus to Traian Epist. 99.

Argumentum quaerit an . C. Plinius Secundus Traiano Imp. S. Amestrianorum ciuit as , domine , & eligans & ornata habet , inter praecipua opera pulcherrimam , eandemque longissimam plateam , cuius à latere per spacium omne porrigitur , nomine quidem flumen re vera cloaca fedissima . Quae sicut turpis & immundissima aspectu it a pestilens est odore teterrimo . Quibus ex causis no● minus salubritatis quam decoris interest eam contegi , quod fiet si permiseris curantibus n●bis ne desit pecunia operi tam magno quam necessario . Which is thus in English .

Caius Plinius to Traian the Emperour greeting : The contents is , whether he shal couer the water that runs by the towne of Amestris . The Citie of the Amestrians ( my Lord ) being both commodious and beautifull , hath among her principall goodly buildings , a very faire and long streete , on the side whereof runneth thorough the whole length of it , a brooke , in name ( for it is called so ) but indeede a most filthy Iakes ; which as it is foule and most vncleanely to behold , so is it infectious with the horrible vile sauour , wherfore it were expedient , no lesse for wholsomenesse then for handsomnesse , to haue it vaulted , which shall be done if it please you to allow it , and I will take care that there shall be no want of money for such a worke , no lesse chargeable then necessarie . Thus writes Plinius Secundus , a Romane Senator , and as it were a deputie Lieutenant in the Prouince of Bithinia , to the great Traian , and I doe halfe maruell he durst write so , for had it beene in the time of Domitian , Commodus or Nero , either Martiall should haue iested at him with an Epigram , or some secretarie that had enuied his honest reputation , should haue bene willed to haue aunswered the letter in some scornefull sort , and would haue written thus .

Maister Plinie , my Lord God the Emperour , Che scrisse taccia ●t piu 〈…〉 . not vouchsafing to answere your letter him selfe , hath commaunded me to write thus much to you , that he maruels you will presume to trouble his diuine Maiestie with matters of so base regard , that your father being held a wise man , and a learned , might haue taught you better manners , that his Maiestie hath matters of greater import , concerning the state of Empire , both for warre & peace , to employ his treasure in . Thus much I was commaunded to write . Now for mine owne part , let me say thus much to you , that I heard my Lord God the Emperour say , that if the ill sauour annoy you , you may send to your Mistresse for a perfumed handkerchife to stop your nose , and that some Physicians say , the smell of a Iakes is good against the plague . Some such answere as this , had bene like to haue come from some of those beastly Emperours , and their filthie followers . But how did Traian answere it ? I will set you downe his owne letter , out of the same booke , in the same language .

Argumentum . Permittit confornicari cloacam . Tr. Plinio S.

Rationis est , mi secunde Charissime , contegi aquam istam quae per ciuitatem Amestrtanorum fluit , si detecta salubritati obest , Pecunia ne huic operi desit , curaturum te secundum diligentiam tuam certum habeo .

Thus in English . It is good reason , my dearest Secundus , that the water be couered that runs by the citie of the Amestrians , if the want of couering may breede infection . And for money for the worke , I make no question , but you according to your accustomed diligence , will make prouision . Short and sweet , yea most sweet indeed , because it was of an vnsauorie matter . But I had almost forgot to English the argument , and then folkes might laugh indeede at me , and thinke I were Magister incipiens with ans , & say I could not English these three words , permittit confornicari cloacam ; what the good yeare , what is the same confornicari ? trust me there is a word I neuer read in Homer nor Aristotle , marry indeede they wrote but ill Latine , no nor in Tully , in Liuie , in Tacitus , nor in all the Poets : what a straunge worde is this ? Ho sirra bring hither the Dictionarie . Which of them , Cooper ? No no , Thomas Coperus omisit plurima verba . Which then , that with the French afore the Latin , or Thomas Thomas ? Yea , bring me them two . What hast thou brought the two dictionaries ? I meant but the two Thomases . Come old friend Tom , A great officer among the boyes at Eaton , Maister of the rods . Tom , Qui fueras quondam clarae praepositor aulae , you haue made rods to ierke me withall ere now , I thinke I shal giue you a ierke , if you do not helpe me to some English for this word . Looke it sirra there in the dictionarie . Con , con . Tush what dost thou looke in the French ? thou wilt make a sweete peece of looking , to looke for confornicar in the French : looke in the Latin for fornicor . F , fa , fe , fi , fo , for , for , foramen , forfex , forica , forma , fornicator , ( now I thinke I am neare it ) fornix , fornicor , Eliots dictionarie and Coopers placed these 2. words , too neare togither . aris , are . There , what is that ? A vault , to vault or arch any thing with a compasse . Well said , carrie away the bookes againe , now I haue it : then thus it is , He alloweth the vaulting or arching ouer of the Iakes . Mary Gods blessing on his heart for his labour , and I loue him the better for it . Wherfore ( most noble Traian ) thou mayst well be called the patterne of all princely qualities , comely , bountiful , martial , mercifull , a louer of learning , moderate in priuate expences , magnificent in publike , most goodly of stature , amiable , not onely in thy vertues , but euen in thy vices . For to say the worst was euer said of thee , these were all thy faults , ambition , or desiry of glorie in warres , loue of women , and persecuting of religion . For so they ioyne thee , Nero , Domitianus , Traianus , Antoninus , Pontifices Romanos laniarunt . To which thus I aunswer without a fee , but with all my heart : that thy ambition was so honorable , and thy warlicke humour so well tempered , that thou didst truly witnesse of thy selfe , that thou didst neuer enuy any mans honour , for the confidence thou haddest of thine owne worth : and all the world can witnesse , that thou neuer didst make vniust warre , nor refuse anie iust or indifferent peace . For that same sweet sinne of lecherie , I would say as the Frier sayd , a young man and a young woman in a greene arber in a May morning ; if God do not forgiue it , I would . For as sir Thomas More saith of Edward the fourth● he was subiect to a sin , from which , health of bodie in great prosperitie of fortune , without a speciall grace , hardly refrayneth . And to speake vprightly of him , his lusts were not furious , but friendly , able with his goodly person , his sweete behauiour , and his bountifull gifts , to haue won Lucretia . Besides , no doubt his 〈◊〉 was the lesse , in that he euer loued his wife most dearely , and vsed her most respectiuely : for I haue euer maintained this paradox , it is better to loue two too many , then one too few . Lastly , for the persecution of thy time , though I dare not defend it , yet there is a maxime , inuincibilis ignorantia recusat , and sure thou didst not know the truth , and thy persecution was very gentle , and halfe against thy will , as appeareth by the 98. Epistle of the tenth booke of Plin. Epistles , where thou doest vtterly reiect all secret promoeters , and dost pronounce against the strict inquisition , Conquirendi non sunt , &c. Wherefore I doubt not to pronounce , that I hope thy soule is in heauen , both because those thou didst persecute prayed for thee , wishing to thee , as Tertul. saith ; Vitam prolixam , imperium securum , domum tutam , exercitus fortes , Senatum fidelem , populum probum , orbem quietum . A long life , a happy raigne , a safe dwelling , strong armies , a faithfull Senate , honest people , and a quiet world . Further , it is written by authors of some credite , that thy soule was deliuered out of hell , at the prayer of great S. Gregorie , which though I am not bound to beleeue , S. Damas●en S. Brigid write this of Traian , beleeue them who list , for though it seem Popish , yet it ministers an argument against some Popish opinions . yet as in loue , I had rather loue too many than too few , so in charitie , I had rather beleeue too much then too litle . As for that Scripture , ex inferno nulla redemptio , I haue heard it oft alleaged by great clerkes , but I thinke it is in the Epistle of S. Paule to the Laodiceans , or in Nicodemus Gospell : for I neuer yet could find it in the Bible . Wherefore this I will frankely say for Traian , that whersoeuer I find a Prince or a Peere with so great vertues , and so few vices , I will honour him , loue him , extoll him , admire him , and pronounce this of him ; that the armie is happie that hath such a Generall , the Prince happie that hath such a councellor , the Mistresse happie that hath such a seruant , and thus I end my prophane authorities , & now I come to the deuine , wherein I thinke I shall serue you in the banket I haue promised you as my self haue bene serued many times at our commencement feasts , and such like in Cambridge , that when we haue bene in the middest of some pleasant argument , suddenly the Bibler hath come , and with a loud and audible voyce begun with Incipit libri Deuteronomium , caput vicesimum ter-cium . And then suddenly we haue bene all s 't tacete , and hearkened to the Scripture , for euen so must I now after all our pleasant stories , bring in as I promised , some diuine authorities , to the which I pray you let vs with all due reuerence be attentiue .

In the aforesaid 23. Authorities of Sripture . Chapter of Deuteronomie , in the 12. verse , I find this text :

12 Habebis locum extra castra ad quem egrediaris ad requisita naturae .

13 Gerens paxillum in balt●o , cumque sederis fodies per circuitum , & egesta humo operies quo releuatus es .

14 Dominus enim Deus tuus ambulat in medio castrorum , vt eruat te & tradat tibi inimicos tuos , & sint castra tua sancta , & nihil in eis appareat foeditatis , ne derelinquat te . That is .

12 Thou shalt haue a place without thy tents , to which thou shalt go to do the necessities of nature .

13 Carying a spade staffe in thy hand , Or a trowell . and when thou wilt ease thee , thou shalt cut a round turfe , & thou shalt couer thy excrements therewith , in the place where thou didst ease thy selfe .

14 For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy tents to deliuer thee , and to giue thy enemies into the hands , that thy tents may be holy , and that there appeare no filthinesse in them , lest he forsake thee .

But me thinke some may say vpon hearing of this text , What is it possible there should he such a Scripture , that handleth so homely matters ? I can hardly beleeue it ; I haue alwaies had a bible in my parlour these many yeares , and oft time when the weather hath bene foule , and that I haue had no other booke to reade on , and haue wanted company to play at cards or tables with me , I haue read in those bookes of the old Testament , at least halfe an houre by the clocke , & yet I remember not anie such matter . Nay further , I haue heard a Preacher , that hath kept an exercise a ye are togither vpon the bookes of Moses , & hath told vs of Genesis , & genealogies , of the arke & the propitiatorie , of pollutions , of washings , of leprosies , but I neuer heard him talke of such a homely matter as this . I answere , It may be so very well . And therfore now I pray you , sith the text is so strange to you , giue me leaue to put you in mind of two vertuous & honest obseruations out of this ( how homly so euer ) yet wholly Scripture . One , to be thankfull to our Sauiour for his mercies ; th' other to be faithfull to our Soueraigne for her merits . We may thanke God that al these seruile ceremonies , which S. Paul calleth the workes of the Law , as Circumcision , New moones , Sabbaths , washings , cleansings , with touch not , handle not , eate not , &c. are now taken away & quite abolished by the Gospell , which hath now made Omnia munda mundis . And as S. Augustine saith , in steed of ceremonies , combersome , infinite , intollerable , vnpossible , hath giuen Sacraments , easie , few , sweet , & gracious , & hath taught vs in steed of hearing Fac ho● & vi●es , to say now to him , DaDomine quod iubes . Secondly , whereas it seemes you neuer heard this text preached on , you may blesse in your soule , and pray for her Maiesties so peaceable and prosperous raigne , this text being not fit for peace & a pulpit , but only for warre and a camp . And therfore though I hope we shal neuer haue cause to heare such a Scripture preached of in England , yet those that serue in other countreys , both haue & shall heare it thus applyed ( and that oft not without neede ) viz. that though now to the cleane all things are cleane , yet still we must haue a speciall care of cleanlines , and wholsomenesse , euen for the things here spoken of , and if for such things , how much more for rapes , the●ts , murthers , blasphemies , things ( as God knowes ) too common in al our campes . Ne Dominus Deus noster , qui ambulat in medio castrorum derelinquat nos . Least the Lord our God , that walketh in the midst of our tents , shold forsake vs . And euen in the time of the sweetest peace , me thinkes I could also say , here at home , that it is an vnreuerent thing , for Churches ordained for prayer , and church-yardes appointed for burial , to be polluted and filed as if they were kennels and dunghils .

And I haue thought sometime with my selfe , that if I were but halfe so great an officer vnder our most gracious Emperesse , who is in deed worthy , and onely worthie to be Traians Mistresse , as Plinius Secundus was vnder that Traian ; I would write for the mending of such a lothsome fault in my neighbour towne of Bath ( where many noble persons are oft annoyed with it ) as Plinie did for Amestris . Yet whie may I not by Poetica licentia , and by an honest & necessarie figure ( in this age ) called Reprehensio , imagine my selfe for halfe an houre to be Secundus , and suppose some other , that perhaps at this houre is not farre from Traians countrey , to be that worthiest Traian ? For though in the English Grammer , the feminine gender is more worthie then the masculine , the which rule I wish long may hold . Yet lest old Priscian should say I brake his head when I neuer came neare him , There is a Comedy called Priscianus vapulans , wher if one should say ignēhanc , Priscian wold cry , his head were broken . I will keepe me in this my pleasant imitation , within such an honest limitation , as shal be free from all iust reprehension , and write , in steed of C. Pl. Secundus Traiano Imp. Salutem .

Haec tibi Traiano , terraque marique remoto , Scribit Misacmos , nulli pietate Secundus .

The Citie of Bath ( my Lord ) being both poore enough and proud enough , hath since hir highnesse being there , woonderfully beautified it selfe in fine houses for victualing and lodging , but decaies as fast in their ancient and honest trades of merchandise and clothing : the faire Church hir Highnes gaue order should be reedified , stands at a stay , and their common sewer , which before stood in an ill place , stands now in no place , for they haue not any at all . Which for a towne so plentifully serued of water , in a countrey so well prouided of stone , in a place resorted vnto so greatly ( being at two times of the yeere , as it were the pilgrimage of helth to al saints ) me thinke seemeth an vnwoorthie and dishonorable thing , wherefore if your Lordship would authorise me , or some wiser then me , to take a strict account of the money , by hir Maiesties gratious grant gathered & to be gathered , which in the opinion of many , cannot be lesse then ten thousand pounds ( though not to wrong them , I thinke they haue bestowed vpon the point of 10000. pounds abating but one cipher ) I would not doubt , of a ●●inate church to make a reuerent church , and of an vnsauorie towne a most sweete towne .

This I do the rather write , bicause your Lordship , & the rest of hir Maiesties most honorable counsel , thought me once worthy to be Steward of that towne , but that the wiser counsell of the towne thought it not meet , out of a deeper reach , lest being already their poore neighbor , this increase might haue made my estate too great among them . For indeed the ●ee belonging to it , & some other commodities annexed , might haue been worth to me de claro vi●● & modis , per ann●m . CCCClxxx . d .

Moreouer I am to certifie your Lordship , that the spring taken out of the hot bath into the priuate , doth not annoy or preiudice the vertue of the hot bath as hir Maiestie hath bin lately informed . And it is not vnnecessarie , for some honorable persons that come thither , sometimes to haue such a priuate bath . But now I pray you let vs hearken to the Scripture , for the Bibler is not yet come to Tu autem .

I find also in the second & third chapters of Nehemias , which some call the second booke of Esdras , where he tels how no body but he and his asse went to suruey the citie . Et ingressus sum ad portam vallis nocte , & ante fontem draconis , & ad portam stercoris , & consider abam murum Ierusalem dissipatum & portas eius consumptas igni . And in the third chapter shewing who repaired all the ruines , Et portam vallis aedificauit Hanum & habitatores Zanoe , ipsi aedificauerunt eam , & statuerunt valuas eius , & seras , & vectes , & mille cubitos in muro vsque ad portam sterquilinii . Et portam sterquilinii aedificauit Melchias filius Rhechab princeps &c. And the gate of the valley built Hanum and the inhabitants of Zanoe , they built it , and they made the leaues of the gate , and the lockes , and the hinges , and a thousand cubites in the wal , euen to the doung gate , and Melchias son of Rhecab being Prince of Bethacharan built the doung gate . There is a noble and learned Lady , dowager to the Lord Iohn Russell , that will not name loue without saue reuerence . I would haue saide , saue-reuerence the doung gate , but that Nehemias who was a Gentleman well brought vp , and a courtier , and had beene a sewer and cupbearer to Artaxerxes , writes it as I haue recited it .

But now to the purpose , perhaps you will saie , that this makes nothing to the present argument , that the gate is called Doungate , for we haue a gate in London called Dougate , that with a little dash with a pen will seeme to be the same gate , & yet hath no great affinitie with the matter , & on the other side , there is a place hath a glorious title of Queene Hiue , and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina . I grant it might be so , for so there is a parish by London called Hornsey , which is an vngratious crooked name , and yet I verilie perswade me , that the most glorious or gratious street in London hath more horns in it sometime either visible or inuisible then all the other parish . But concerning the gate in Ieruselagim called Porta Stercoris , I finde it was so called bicause it laie on the East side of the Citie , toward the brooke Cedron , whither all the raine water of the Citie , and all other conueiances ran , as they do out of the Citie of London into the Thames : and that being so , and the city so populous , the gate might wel be called Porta Stercoris . Now without the city I finde mentioned another place ordained for the like purpose , to carrie out all such filth as the rain could not wash away , and had no common passage , & that was the valley of Hinnon , which seemes by the map to lie Southeast and by South to the Temple , and thither , I say , the Scauengers caried their loding , The Brickils . as they do at London beyond Golding lane . And therfore in the new Testament it is called gehenna , and taken for hell , and if you haue a minde to know how I come by this diuinitie , trust me if you will , I come by it as true men come by their goods . For so it is , that not long since there dwelt in Bath a schoole-master , a man whom I fauored much , for his sake that sent him thither . But he had not beene there long , but a controuersie arose betwixt him & some preachers therabout , among whom we haue too manie that studie nothing but the controuersies , and it came after many disputes on both sides , at last to writing and publishing of Books . And the schoole-master ( though being no Preacher ) wrote a booke with this title , that Christ descended not into hell : the very sight of which title , being flat contradictorie to an article of the Creede , I remember I said of the man as Heywood saith in his prouerbes , that heerafter He might be of my Pater noster indeed , But sure he should neuer come in my Creed . And therefore I might repute him as a good humanist , but I should euer doubt him for a good deuine . Now as I say , hearing in these disputes and sermons , diuerse names of hell throughly sifted . As Ades , Tartaros , Infernum , Stagnum ardens , and last of all Gehenna , which last I was most vsed to , as hauing an old verse when I was at Eaton , of a Peacocke . Angelus in penna , pede latro , voce gehenna . A bird that hath an Angels plume , A theeuish pace , a hellish tune . Consequentlie , I obserued , that our honest & learned Preacher of Bath M. R. M. first prooued hel to be a local place ( if not circumscriptiue , yet at least definitiue . Then he shewed the etymologie of the worde gehenna to be deriued in Greeke of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , that is , the earth or valley of Hinnon , them he told , that this place was as it were the common dunghill or mickson of the whol towne , that the Iewes had vsed in this valley , to make their children passe through the fire , as a sacrifice to the Deuill , according to the Psalme of Dauid , they offered their sonnes and daughters vnto deuils . Finally , that our sauior to make a more fearfull impression in their harts , of the paines of hell indeed , which they know not , vsed the name of this hellish place , which they knew that had in it these hatefull hellish properties , smoke , stinke , horrible cries , & torment . But least you shuld think I speake as a parrot , nothing but what I haue heard an other say , let me adde somwhat of mine own poore reading , and that shall be this , that this valley of Hinnon was once for the sweete aire , fine groues , faire walks , & greene and pleasant fields , comparable with any place about Ierusalem , but when the abhominable Idoll of Moloch was erected in it , whose purtraiture was like a king hauing the head of a calfe , al of bras , & hollow within : vnto which ( most inhumanely ) they sacrificed humane flesh , yea their owne children , & to the end that the wicked parents might not feele remorse of the wofull cries of the wretched children , they daunced a straunge medley about the fire , hauing musicke sutable to such mirth , of drums and Iewes harpes ( for I thinke hornepipes and bag-pipes were not then found out ) I say these abhominations being there committed , the good Iosias , driuen to vse an extreme medicine to so extreme a maladie , first burned and brake all too peeces the horrible Idoll , and then in detestation of the abuses there committed , cut downe the fine groues , tare vp the sweete pastures , defaced the pleasant walks ; and to the end that all passengers should flie from it , that were woont to frequent it , he caused all filthie carrion , dead dogs and horses , all the filth of the streetes , & whatsoeuer hatefull and vgly things could be imagined , to be caried thither . And this ô Iosias was thy zealous reformation : but alas how little do some that pretend thy name , participate thy nature . They pull downe Moloch , but set vp Baal Peor & Beelsebub , their leane deuotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too fat , their enuious eie serues them like Aretinoes spectacles , to make all seeme bigger , then it should be , they learne the Babylonians song in the Psalmes . Downe , downe with it at any hand , Make all thing plaine , let nothing stand . They care neither for good letters nor good liues , but onely out of the spoiles to get good liuings , our good Lord Bishops must be made poore superintendents , that they might superintend the goodly Lordships of rich Bishopricks , & then we that be simple fellowes must beleeue , that they offer vs Iosias reformation , wheras indeed it sauors not of that in any thing but the ill sauor : for as Iosias defaced a faire field , and made it spurcitiarum latrinam , so they would ruinate our cathedrall churches , & make them Spelunca latronum , as my good friend Hary-Osto , or mine Host Hary saith of the Pagan Rodomont , after his host had ended his knauish tale . He makes the Church ( oh horrible abuse ) Serue him for his prophane vngodly vse . Wherefore let them cal themselues what they list , but if they learn no better lessons of Iosias , but to turne sweete fields to stinking dunghils , they shall make no newe Iaxes in England by my consent , & I hope my deuise shall serue to mende many that be now amisse , with an honester & easier reformation , & I doubt not but the Magistrate that hath charge to see ne quid respub . detrimanti capiat , will prouide , least our receipts prooue deceipts , our auditors frauditors , and our reformation deformation , and so all run headlong to gehenna , where the sport will be torment , the musicke clamors , the prospect smoke , and the perfume stinke . Which two last , I meane smoke and stinke , I haue verily perswaded me , are two of those paines of hel , which they call poena sensus : Esa. cap. 3. Eterit pro sua●● adore foe●or . which paine S. Augustine affirmes may also torment aerie or spiritual bodies , as partly appeers in the storie of Tobias , where a wicked spirit was driuen away with the smoke of a broyled liuer ; and therefore I haue endeuored in my poore buildings to auoide those two inconueniences as much as I may . As for the two other annoiances , that the old prouerbe ioineth to one of these , saying , there are three things that make a man weary of his house , a smoking chimney , a dropping eues , and a brauling woman . I would no lesse willingly auoid than , but when stormes come , I must as my neighbors do , beare that with patience , which I can not reforme with choler , and learne of the good Socrates , who when Xantippe had crowned him with a chamber-pot , he bare it off single with his head and shoulders , and said to such as laughed at him for it .

It neuer yet was deemd a woonder , To see that raine should follow thunder .

And to the intent you may see , that I am not only groundedly studied in the reformation of AIAX , which I haue chosen for the proiect of this discourse , but that I am also superficially seene in these three other matters of shrewd importance to all good house-keepers , I will not be dangerous of my cunning , but I will venture my pen and my paines , if you will lend but your eies or your eares , though I perhaps shall haue more fists about my eares then mine owne for it . First therefore for the house , I will teach you a verse for it , that I thinke M. Tusser taught me , or else now I may teach it his sonne . To keepe your house dry , you must alwaies in sommer . Giue money to the mason , the tiler and plummer . For the shrewd wife , read the booke of taming a shrew , which hath made a number of vs so perfect , that now euery one can rule a shrew in our countrey , saue he that hath hir . But indeed there are but two good rules . One is , let them neuer haue their wils ; the other differs but a letter , let them euer haue their wils , the first is the wise , but the seconde is more in request , and therefore I make choise of it .

But yet ere I come to discouer this exact & exquisite forme that I haue promised , let me adde a word or two out of the good and wholsome rules of phisick , both for authorising the homely words so oft vsed , as for prouing that the matter in their faculty is specially regarded ; for diuers , that are otherwise very daintie and curious , yet for their healths sake , will endure both to heare homely language , to see sluttish sights , to taste dirtie drugs , and to shew secret sores ; according to the Italian prouerbe , All confessore medico & aduocato , Non deue tener cosa celato . From your confessor , lawyer , and phisition , Hide not your case on no condition . No man therefore is either so ignorant , or so impudent , as either not to know or not to confesse , that the honorable science of phisick , embaseth it selfe ofttimes about the care of this busines . For whereto serueth I pray you , fiant clysteria , fiant pillulae , fiant potiones , fiant pessi . But fie on 't , it makes me almost sicke to talke of them , sure I am the house I treat of , is as it were the center to which they must all fall first or last , and many times I thinke first were wholsomer of the two . But to inforce my proofes , though shortly yet soundly , I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out of Galen and Hipocrates , least you should oppose against them Asclepiades or Paracelsus , nor stand long to dilate of the Empiricall phisick , or the dogmaticall and the methodicall . Of all which if I should say all I could , I feare me not so much , that phisitions would take me for a foole , as that fooles will take me for a Phisition . I will therefore set downe as it were certain autenticall rules , out of a generall Councell of Phisitions , & that sent by common consent to a great K. of England , against which if any Doctor should except , he must ipso facto be counted an hereticke . This therefore I finde of my text in that booke that begins Anglorum regi scribit schola tota Salerni . For when he hath beene aduised to make choice of three Phisitions , Haec tria mens laeta , requies , moderata diet . Doctor Diet , Doctor Quiet , and Doctor Meryman . Then they admonish him of many particulars , for his health , for his foode , for his house , &c. Which if they might with good maners write to a king , then I may without inciuilitie recite to a kinseman . Si vis incolumem , si vis te viuere sanum , Curas tolle graues irasci crede profanum , Parce mero caenato parum nec sit tibi vanum , Surgere post epulas somnum fuge meridianum . Nec mictum retine , nec comprime fortiter anum . & The Salerne schole doth by these lines impart Health to the British king , and doth aduise , From cares thy head to free , from wrath thy hart , Drinke not much wine , sup light , and soone arise , After thy meate , twixt meales keepe wake thine eies . And when to natures needs prouokt thou art , Do not forbeare the same in any wise : So shalt thou liue long time with little smart . Loe what a speciall lesson for health they teach , to take your oportunitie so oft as it is offered of going to those businesses . Then soone after to let you know how wholesome it is to breake winde , they tell fower diseases that come by forbearing it . Quatuor ex vento veniunt inventre retento , Spasmus , hydrops colica , vertigo , quatuor ista . But most especially making for my purpose , both for word and matter . Aer sit mundus , habitabilis ac luminosus , Infectus neque sit , nec olens foetore cloacae . Which as a principal lesson , to be learned by builders , I will set downe in verse . A builder that will follow wise direction , Must first foresee before his house he makes , That th' aire be cleare , & free from all infection , And not annoyd with stinch of any Iakes . For indeed let your house be neuer so well apparaled , neuer so wel plaistered & painted , if she haue a stinking breath I shall neuer like of my lodging . Lastly , there be two other verses , with which I will end these schoole authorities . Multiplicant mictum , ventrem dant aescula strictum , Post pyra dapotum , post pomum vade cacatum . And thus I take it , I ende this part of my discourse , with a well chosen verse to the purpose : yet ere you go , take this with you in prose , that many Physitions doe hold , that the plague , the measeals , the hemorhoids , the small poxe , & perhaps the great ones too , with the fistula in ano , & many of those inward diseases , are no way sooner gotten , then by the sauor of others excrements , vpon vnwholsome priuies . Wherfore I will nowe drawe to the conclusion of this same tedious discourse : for it is high time now to take away the boord , and I see you are almost full of our homely fare , and perhaps you haue beene vsed to your dainties of Potatoes , of Caueare Eringus , plums of Genowa , all which may well increase your appetite to seuerall euacuations , we will therfore now ( according to the phisick we learned euen now ) rise & stretch our legs a litle , & anon I wil put on my boots , and go a peece of the way with you , and discourse of the rest : in the mean time my selfe will go perhaps to the house we talke off , though maners would , I offered you the French curtesie , to go with me to the place , where a man might very kindely finish this discourse .

THE THIRD SECTION , shewing the forme , and how it may be reformed .

NOw therfore to come where wee left last , for I know you would faine haue your instructions ere you go home , as soone as I haue giuen my horse some breath vp this hill , I will ride along with you , so you will ride a sober pace : for I loue not to ride with these goose chasing youthes , that poste still to their iourneies end , and when they come thither , they cannot remember what businesse they haue there , but that they had euen as much in the place they came from .

These inconueniences being so great , and the greater bicause so generall , if there be a way with little cost , with much cleanelinesse , with great facilitie , & some pleasure to auoid them , were it not rather a sinne to conceale it , then a shame to vtter it ? Wherefore shame to them that shame thinke , for I will confesse frankely to you , both how much I was troubled with the annoyance , & what I haue found for the remedy . For when I found not only in mine owne poore confused cottage , but euen in the goodliest & stateliest pallaces of this realme , notwithstanding all our prouisions of vaults , of sluces , of grates , of paines of poore folkes in sweeping and scouring , yet still this same whorson sawcy stinke , though he were commanded on paine of death not to come within the gates , yet would spite of our noses , euen when we would gladliest haue spared his company , prease to the faire ladies chambers . I began to conceaue such a malice against al the race of him , that I vowed to be at deadly fewd with them , till I had brought some of the chiefest of them to vtter confusion . And conferring som principles of Philosophy I had read and some conueyances of architecture I had seene , with some deuises of others I had heard , & some practises of mine owne I had payed for : I found out at last this way that is after described , The principles are these , A●r non penetrat aquam . Natura non ●atitur va●u●● . and a maruellous easie and cheape way it is , and I dare speake it vpon my credit , not without good experience , that though it be neither far fetched , nor deare bought , yet it is good for Ladies , & there be few houses that may not haue the benefit of it . For there be few great & well contriued houses , but haue vaults and secret passages made vnder ground , to conuey away both the ordure & other noisom things , as also the raine water that fals into the courts , which being cleanly in respect of the eie , yet bicause they must of force haue many vents , they are oft noysome in regard of the smell . Specially in houses of office , that stand high from the ground , the tuns of them drawing vp the aire as a chimney doth smoke . By which it comes to passe manie times ( specially if the wind stand at the mouth of the vaults ) that what with fish-water comming from the kitchins , bloud and garbage of fowle , washing of dishes and the excrements of the other houses ioined togither , and all these in moist weather stirred a little with some small streame of raine water . For as the prouerbe is , T is noted as the nature of a sinke , Euer the more t is stird , the more to stinke . I say these thus meeting togither , make such a quintessence of a stinke , that if Paracelsus were aliue , his art could not deuise to extract a stronger . Now bicause the most vnauoidable of all these things that keepe such a stinking stir , or such a stinke when they be stirred , is vrine and ordure , that which we all carie about vs ( a good speculation to make vs remember what we are , & whither we must ) therfore as I said before , many haue deuised remedies for this in times past , some not many yeeres since , and I this last yeere , of all which I will make choice only of two beside mine own to speake off , bicause men of good iudgement haue allowed them for good , but yet ( as the ape doth his yoong ones ) I thinke mine the properest of them all .

The first and the ancientest , is to make a close vault in the ground , widest in the bottome , & narrower vpward , & to floore the same with hot lime & tarris , or some such dry pauing as may keep out al water & aire also : for if it be so close as no aire can come in , it doth as it were smother the sauor , like to the snuffes or extinguishers wherewith we put out a candle , and this standes with good reason , that seeing it is his nature to make the woorse sauor the more he is stirred , and nothing makes him keepe a more stinking stir , then a litle wind & water , surely there can be litle or no annoiance of him in this kinde of house , where he shall lie so quietly . But against this is to be obiected , that if there be a little cranny in the wall as big as a straw , or if the ground stand vpon winter springs or be subiect as most places vnder ground are , to giue with moist weather , them at such times it must needs offend .

Besides in a Princes house where so many mouths be fed , a close vault wil fill quickly ; and that obiection did my Lord of Leicester make to Sir Iohn Young , at his last being at Bristow , who commended to my Lord that fashion , and shewed him his owne of a worse fashion , and told him that at a friends house of his at Peter hill in London , there was a very sweet priuie of that making .

Another waie , is either vpon close or open vaults , so to place the sieges or seats as behinde them may rise tunnes of chimneys , to draw all the ill aires vpwards : of which kinde I may be bold to say , that our house of Lincolnes Inne , putteth downe all that haue beene made afore it , and is indeed both in reason and experience , a meanes to auoid much of the annoyance that is wont to come of them , & keepeth the place all about much the sweeter . But yet to speake truly , this is not sate from all infection or annoiance while one is there , as my sense hath told me , for Sensus non fallitur in proprio obiecto . Or perhaps by the strict wordes of the statute it ought to be so , & that but two parts may be deuised away , and a third must remaine to the heire , for I dare vndertake , go thither when you will , your next heire at the common house , whatsoeuer charge he is at in the sute , I am sure he may bee made a sauor , at the least for the ●ertiam partem aboue al reprises , if the fault be not his owne . And further , when the weather is not calme , the winde is so vnruly , that it will force the ill aires down the chimneys , and not draw them vp , as we see it doth in chimneys where fire is made , force downe the smoke , notwithstanding that the verie nature of fire helpeth to inforce it vpward , whereas these moist vapours are apt ( euen of their owne nature ) to spreade abroade , and hang like a deaw about euery thing . Wherefore though I am but a punie of Lincolnes Inn● , & the builder heerof was a bencher , ye● I will vnder reformation , prefer my deuise afore his , either bicause it is better , or else out of the common fault of yoong men in this age , that we thinke our deuises wiser then our elders . Yet with this respectiue modestie , that bicause my deuise as with water , where that cannot be had , or where houses stand on an exceeding flat , there I will leaue the worke to his ouersight , but where any conuenient current is , and no want of water , there I would be surueyer , and so to deuide the regiment , that if for the dry land seruice he be generall , for the water seruice I will be Admirall . A true praise of Li●colnes Inne . Yet by the way , I hope all the Innes of court will gratulate the present flourishing estate of our Lincolnes Inne : not so much for furnishing the realm with most honorable , vpright and well learned magistrates , great sergeants , graue counsellers , towardly barresters , yoong gallants of worth & spirit sans nombre , but also ( that I may nowe deale with mine equals , and not with my auncients ) with two such rare enginers , M. Plat set foorth a booke of engines . me for this one deuise , and Maister Plat for verie manie . Or if enuie will not suffer them to giue vs due honor , let vs two M. Plat , at least grace one another : and I am the willinger to offer this kindnes to you , bicause I was aduised by some to haue recommended this deuise to your illustrations , which I was very like to haue done , saue that we are of no great acquaintance , and beside I haue a little ambitions humor of mine owne to be counted a deuiser , though to cleare me of pride , you see my first practice is vpon so base a subiect , as I hope no body will enuy me , or seeke to take it from me : as the sweet Zerbino said to Marfysa , of the vgly Gabrina . You haue so sweet a peece to carrie by you , Ariost. Cant. 20. As you are sure that no man will enuy you . And after he had played a worde or two with them , he concluded , Ben siate accopiati Io iurerei , Se come essa e bella tu gagliardo sci . No doubt you are a fitly matched paire , If you as lustie be , as she is faire . But when they had done breaking off iests one on another , and that it came to breaking of staues , the peerelesse Prince ( for his othes sake ) was faine to take that most hatefull hagge into his protection . And so I suppose , that some may play in like sort vpon me and my writing , and say ; The writer and the matter well may meete , Were he as eloquent as it is sweete . But if they do , let them take heed , that in one place or other of this pamphlet , they do not pull themselues by the nose , as the prouerbe is But that you may see M. Plat , I haue studied your booke with some obseruation : if you would teach me your secret of making artificiall cole , Some coniect●re , that stale and cowdoung must effect both these multiplications . and multiplying barley ( though I feareme both the meanes will smell a little of kin to M. AIAX ) I assure you I would take it verie kindly : and we two might haue a sute togither for a monapolie , you of your cole , as you mention in your booke , and I of M. reformed AIAX : and if you will trust me to draw the petitions , you shall see I will get some of the presidents of the starch and the vineger , and make it carrie as good a shew of reason , and good to the common wealth as theirs doth . As first for yours I would frame these reasons : I would shew the excellent commodity of iron-milles ( for if you speake against them your sute will be dasht straight . ) I would proue how they reduce wilde and sauage woods , to ciuill and fruitefull pastures . I would alledge , they are good for maintenance of nauigation , in respect that euery ship , what with his cast peeces , ankers , bolts and nailes , hath halfe as many ●un of iron as timber to it . I would say , it is a commodity to the subiect , considering they sell it for twelue or fourteene pounde the tun , and when it came out of Spaine or Holland , it was sold but for eight pound . The like also I would say for glasse : and so concluding , that the woods must needs be spent vpon these two ( as doubtlesse they wil in a short time ) then your deuise for artificiall cole , of how homely stuffe soeuer you make it , will be both regarded and rewarded . And thus perhaps making some great man your half , you may haue an imposition of a tenth or a fift of euery chaldron of your fewell . And though it should poison al the towne with the ill sauour ( as the brew-house by White hall doth hir Highnes own house , & all Channon row ) yet what for necessitie , & what for fauour , it should be suffered . And neuer feare that the price of your cole wil fal by cherishing of woods , for now Sir Walter Mildmay is dead , you shall haue few men will busie themselues about any of these publike inconueniences , The Author could haue said honorable of both , but he takes honesty in this place for the high●● title . or if his honest successor would attempt it , he should I feare me , haue small hope to preuaile , in that which so honest a predecessor could not .

Now for my Monapole , I would aske but this trifling sute , and I would make these goodly pretences . First , bicause I haue prooued by good authours , that M. AIAX is lineally descended of the ancient house of Stercutius , and to haue liued long vnder protection of Dea Cloacina , & to haue been praied for by so manie holie Saints , I would procure ( if the traffique were as open with Rome as it hath been ) that as his progenitor Stercutius was allowed for a God , by one of the first Romane Pontifices Maximi , so M. AIAX might bee allowed for a Saunt by Pope Sisefinke , Sextus quintus ( I wold haue said ) or one of his successours , Boce●●lo writes that S. Ciapiellet● was canonized . ( which if it be so easie a matter , as Boccacio , & other Italian authors write , will not be very chargeable ) and then with some of the money that you gaine with the perfumed cole , ( if you will lende it me , and I will mo●gage my Bull to you when I haue it , for paiment ) I will erect in London and elsewhere , diuers shrines to this newe Saint , & all the fat offerings shall be distributed to such poore hungrie fellowes as sue for Monapolies , which being ioyned to the ashes of your cole , will be perhaps not vncommodious for lande , and you and I will begge nothing for our rewarde , but you as I saide afore , If I had such a graunt , he that were my heres ex asse , would be the richest squire in England . a fift part of euerie chaldron , & I but the sixt part of an assise a moneth , of al that will not be recusants , to do their daily seruice , at these holie shrines . Nowe if any do obiect it is too great a sute ( for I thinke it would bee the richest office in England ) and saie that it would amount to more then Peter pence , & Poll pence to , I would first to stop their mouthes quickly , promise them a good share in it , then I would amplifie the seruice , that in this deuise I do in som respects to the state of Christianitie , in a matter that Saint Peter nor Paul neither neuer thought of . For it is a common obloquie , that the Turks ( who still keepe the order of Deuteronomie for their ordure do obiect to Christians , that they are poysoned with their own dung , which obiection cannot be answered ( be it spoken with due reuerence to the two most excellent apostles ) with any sentence in both their Epistles , so fully to satisfie the miscreant wretches , as the plaine demonstration & practise of my deuice must needs answer them . What thinke you M. Plat , is not here a good plat laid , that you and I may be made by for euer ? onely I feare one let , and that is this : I protest Misac mos and al●●● friends loue 〈◊〉 the better 〈◊〉 If you call this flattery , I woul●● you would all deserue to be so flattered . I heare by report there is a woorthy Gentleman , sometime of our house , that hath now the keeping of the great seale , & these sutes cannot passe but by his priuitie , & they say ( see our ill hap ) he hath euer beene a great enimie to all these paltry concealments & monapolies , and further they say of him , that to beguile him with goodly shews is very difficult , but to corrupt him with gifts is impossible ; wel , if it be so , all our fat is in the fire , & let the lean go after . You may make a great fire of your gaines , & be neuer the warmer : and I may throw all mine into AIAX , and be neuer the poorer . Let vs then make a vertue of necessitie , & sith we cannot get these monapolies , let vs sai● we care not for them , and a vengeance on them that beg them , and so we may haue millions say Amen to vs , and we shall be thought the honester men , & seeing I haue had so il luck in this , I wold no body might euer haue any more of them , till I make such another sute . And if M. Plat will follow my aduise , he shall impart his rare deuises gratis , as I do this , and so we may one day be put into the Chronicles , as good members of our countrey , more worthily then the great Beare that caried eight dogges on him when Monseur was heere . A worthy matter to be put into a Chron●cle ●nd fit for such worthy historiographers . But to leaue Master Plats cole , which kindled this fantasie in me , and to turne to my tesh , though I called my selfe by metaphor an admiral for the water works , yet I assure you , this deuise of mine , requires not a sea of water , but a cesterne ; nor a whole Tems full , but halfe a tunne full , to keepe all sweete and sauorie : for I will vndertake , from the pesants cottage , to the Princes pallace , twise so much quantity of water as is spent in drinke in the house , wil serue the turne : which if it were at Shaftsburie , where water is dearest of any towne I know , that is no great proportion . And the deuise is so litle combersome , as it is rather a pleasure then a paine , a matter so slight , that it wil seeme at the first incredible , so sure , that you shall finde it at all times infallible . For it doth auoid at once all the annoyances that can be imagined , the sight , the sauour , the cold : which last , to weake bodies , is oft more hurtfull then both the other , where the houses stand ouer brookes , or vaults daily cleansed with water . And not to hold you in too long suspence , the deuise is this ; You shal make a false bottome to that priuie that you are annoyed with , either of lead or stone , the which bottome shall haue a sluce osbrasse to let out all the filth , which if it be close plaistered all about it , and renced with water as oft as occasion serues , but specially at noone and at night , wil keepe your priuie as sweet as your parlour , and perhaps sweeter too , if Quaile & Quando be not kept out . But my seruant Thomas ( whose pensil can performe more in this matter then my pen ) will set downe the forme of this by it self in the end hereof , that you may impart it to such friends of yours , as you shall thinke worthie of it , though you put them not to so great penance as to reade this whole discourse .

And that I may now also end your penaunce that haue taken all this paynes to read this , that for your pleasure you would needs perswade me to write ; I will not end adruptly here , but as friends that are vpon parting in a iourney , chuse a cleanly place in the high way to take their leaues one of another , and not in the dirt and myre : so I● ere we part , will first for the ennobling of this rare inuention , tell you somewhat of the place , of the companie , of the meanes , and of the circumstances , that first put so necessarie a conceit in my head . For I remember I haue read that Archymedes the excellent enginer , ( a man in his time fully as famous in Syracusa , as out M. Plat is here in England , ) was sayd to haue disgraced him selfe by an vntemperate or rather vntempestiue ioy that he tooke of a very worthy and memorable inuention of his . The storie is thus . Archimedes hauing long beaten his braynes to find some way by art how to discouer , what quantity of counterfaite mixture was put into a crowne of massie gold , not dissoluing the mettals , and finding no meanes in long studie , at last washing him selfe naked in a bathing tubbe , he obserued still that the deeper he sunke the higher the water rose , & forthwith he conceiued ( which after he performed indeed ) that by such a meanes the true quantitie of each mettall might be found , and the fraud discouered : with ioy whereof he was so rauished , that starke naked as he was , he ran out into the streets crying , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I haue found it , I haue found it . At which for the time all the people were amazed , and thought him mad , till his inuention after proued him , not onely sober , but also suttle . What if some pleasant conceited fellow should giue out by way of supposition , that possibly the deuiser of this rare conueyance , was at the time of deuising thereof , sitting on some such place , as the godly father sate on at his deuout prayers , or the godlesse king sate on at his deuilish practise ? as put the case on the stately stinking priuy in the Inner Temple ( where many graue apprentices of the law put their long debated cases to homely vses ) and that with ioy of so excellent inuencion he ran out with his hose about his heels , and cried , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : so might I be likened to Archimedes , and there be some perhaps would be so verie fooles to beleeue it . But lest any idle headed felow should deuise , or any shalow braind people beleeue such a tale , I doe before hand giue the word of disgrace to any that shall so say , & wil make it good on their persons with all weapons from the pin to the pike , that whether it were by my good guiding , or my good fortune , in the inuention hereof , nor in the execution I neuer receaued such a disgrace as that of Archimedes . For I assure you the deuise was first both thought of & discoursed of , with as broad termes as any belongs to it , in presence of sixe persons , who were ( all saue one ) enterlocutors in the Dialogue , of which I was so much the meanest , that the other fiue , for beautie , for birth , for vallue , for wit , & for wealth , are not in many places of the Realme to be matched . Neither was the place inferiour to the persons , being a Castle , that I call , the wonder of the West , so seated without , as England in few places , affoords more pleasures : so furnished within , as China nor the West Indies scant allowes more plentie . Briefly , at the very comming in , you would thinke you were come to the Eldorado in Guiana . And by this I hope both the inuention & execution hereof may be sufficiently freed from basenesse .

Yet there remaines one easie obiection against the merite of my good seruice herein , I meane easie to make , but it will not seeme so easie to answer , and that is , that some may say , this may fortune to do well in many places , but yet there is no depth in the inuention : for it is nothing but to keepe down the ayre with a stopple , & let out the filth with a scrue , which some will mislike , & will not endure to haue such a businesse euery time they come to that house . To which I answer , that for depth in the inuention , I affect it not ( for I wold not haue it in all aboue two foot deep . ) And though the prouerbe is , the deeper the sweeter , that is to be intended in some sweeter matters , for the deeper you wade in this , you shall find it the sowrer . And if it seeme too busie , he that hath so great hast of his businesse , may take it as he finds it , which cannot be very ill at any time . But the old saying was , Look ere you leape , and the old custome was , that if a man had no light to looke , yet he would feele , to seeke that he would not finde , for feare least they should finde that they did not seeke . Further the paines being so litle as it is , I should thinke him a slouen that would not by him selfe or his man leaue it as cleanly as he found it : specially considering that in Deuteronomie you are told , God mislikes sluttishnesse , and euery cat giues vs an example ( as houswiues tell vs ) to couer all our filthinesse , & if you will not disdaine to vse that which commeth from the Muske Cat , to make your selfe , your gloues , and your clothes the more sweet , refuse not to follow the example of the Cat of the house , to make your entries , your staires , your chambers , and your whole house , the lesse sowre . Indeede for the deuise I grant it is as plaine as Dunstable high way , & perhaps it will be as common to , b●t neither of them shall be any disgrace to it . For I heard an Italian tell , that in Venice , after they had had the great losse by fire in Maximilians time , when their Arsenall was burnt with gunpowder , they had long consultation , how to keepe their store powder from danger of fire , for feare of like mischances ; at last a plaine fellow ( like my selfe ) came and told , that he had deuised a way , and prayed to haue audience . Then he told them a long tale , but all to this short purpose , that gunpowder was made of iij. simples , viz. saltpeeter , brimstone , & coale , that each of these seuerall , would be easily kept from fire , and be quencht if they were kindled , but being compound , it blew vp all in a moment , if the least sparke did but meet with it ; them he shewd that the causes could not be so sudden of vsing powder , but that the simples being ready , it might soone be made ; lastly that saltpeeter did grow rather than wast with lying , whereas being made into powder , it doth consume , &c. All which though euery man there knew before , yet because they had not offered to put it in practise , they gaue him a reward for his deuise , and followed therein his aduise , placing these simples in seuerall houses , which are so dangerous when they are compounded , and since that time they haue bene more annoyd with water then with fire . Wherefore I assure me the Magnificoes of Venice would allow of the deuise , & if I had some idle money , I might hap be so idly disposed , to put out more then I will speake of , vpon this returne , when one of the sonnes and daughters of S. The Mag. of Venice are called Figliuoli de S. Mar●● ▪ Marke had put my deuise in execution , specially if that Molto Magnificentissimo were yet aliue , that when his wife was sicke , and the Phisition was to see her water , he knew not how to bid her make water , in wordes seemely for his high state and her fine eares , that had neuer heard so fowle a word as that in her life , till his man tooke on him the matter , and found a phrase , by circumlocution to signifie pissing , and neuer once to name it , in this sort ; Chara signora viprego fate quello che fate dinanzi al cacare . But see see , I would faine haue bid you farewell , & now we are againe in our dirtie common place ; well I le goe with you yet a coits cast farder , and then vpon the next greene we will bid farewel , and turne taile , as they say : wherefore now I will make you onely a briefe repetition of that I haue sayd . You see first how I haue iustified the homely wordes & phrases with authorities aboue all exception . I haue proued the care euer had of the matter with examples aboue all comparison . Lastly , I haue expressed to you a cleane forme of it aboue all expectation . Neither doe I praise it as Marchants doe their wares , to rid their handes of them , for I promise you , how high so euer I praise it , I meane not to part with it : for were I to praise it vpon mine oth , as we do houshold stuffe in an inuentary , I wold prayse it in my house , to bee worth 100 pounds , in yours 300 poundes , in Wollerton 500 pounds : in Tibals , Burley , and Holmbie 1000 pounds , in Greenwitch , Richmond and Hampton Court 10000. And by my good sooth , so I would thinke my selfe well payd for it . Not that I am so base minded to thinke , that wit and art can be rated at any price , but that I would accept it as a gratuity fit for such houses and their owners .

For I tell you , though I will not take it vpon me , that I am in dialecticorum dumetis doctus , or in rhetorum pompa potens , or coeteris scientijs saginatus , as doth our Pedantius of Cambridge , yet I take it , that in this inuention I shal shew a great practise vpon the grammar , and vpon this point I will chalenge all the grammarians , viz. I say , and I wil make it good , that by my rare deuise I shall make Stercutius a nowne adiectiue . Now I know you will set your son William to aunswere me , and he shall say no no , and come vpon me with his grammer rule vt sunt divorum Mars Bacchus Apollo , virorum , &c. and hereby conclude , that he is both a substantiue , and that a substantiall one too , and a Masculine .

But all this will not serue , for I haue learned the grammer too , and therefore Come grammer rules , come now , your power show , as saith the noble Astrophill . First therefore I say , his no no is an affirmatiue .

For in one speech two negatiues affirme .

Secondly tell me pretty Will , what is a nown substantiue ? That that may be seene , felt , heard , or vnderstood . Very well , now I will ioyne issue with you on this point , where shall we try it ? Not in Cambridge you will say , for I thinke they will be partiall on my side . Well then in Oxford be it , and no better Iudge then M. Poeta , who was cheefe Captaine of all the nownes in that excellent comedy of Bellum grammaticale . This Comedy was playd at her Maiesties last being at Oxford . For without all peraduenture , when he shall here that one of his band , and so neare about him , is brought to that state , that he is neither to be seene , smelt , heard , nor vnderstood , he wil sweare gogs nowns he will thrust him out of his selected band of the most substantial substantiues , & sort him with the rascal rablement of the most abiect adiectiues . But now Sir that I haue brought you to so faire a town as Oxford , & so sweet a companion as your son William , I will leaue you to him that made you .

Now ( gentle Reader ) you haue taken much paine , The Epilogue or conclusion . and perhaps some pleasure , in reading our Metamorpo-sis of AIAX : and you supposed by this time to haue done with me : but now with your fauour I haue not done with you . For I found by your countenance , in the reading and hearing hereof , that your conceit oft-times had censured mee hardly , and that somewhat diuersly , & namely in these three kindes . Three reproofs of this pamphlet . First you thought me fantasticall ; secondly , you blamed my scurrility ; and thirdly , you found me satyricall . To which three reproofes , being neither causlesse nor vniust , doe me but the iustice to heare my three answers .

I must needes acknowledge it fantastical for me , Answer to the first obiection , of fantasticalnesse . whom I suppose you deeme ( by many circumstances ) not to be of the basest , either birth or breeding , to haue chosen , or of another mans choise , to haue taken so strange a subiect . But though I confesse thus much , yet I would not haue you lay it to my charge , for if you so do , I shall straight retort all the blame , or the greatest part of it , vpon your selfe : and namely , I would but aske you this question , and euen truely betweene God and your conscience , doe but aunswer it . If I had entituled the booke , A Sermon shewing a soueraigne salue for the sores of the soule . Or , A wholesome hauen of health to harbour the heart in . Or , A maruellous medicine for the maladies of the minde . Would you euer haue asked after such a booke ? would these graue and sober titles haue wonne you to the view of three or four tittles ? much lesse three or foure score periodes . But when you heard , there was one had written of A IAX , straight you had a great mind to see what strange discourse it would proue , you made enquiry who wrote it , where it might be had , when it would come forth . You prayed your friend to buy it , beg it , borrow it , that you might see what good stuffe was in it . And why had you such a minde to it ? I can tell you ; you hoped for some meriments , some toyes , some scurrility , or to speake plaine English , some knauery . And if you did so , I hope now your expectation is not altogether frustrate . Yet giue me leaue briefly to shew you what prety pils you haue swallowed in your pleasant quadlings , & what wholsome wormewood was enclosed in these raisins of the sunne .

Against malcontents , A briefe sum of the true intent of the booke . Epicures , Atheists , heretickes , and carelesse and dissolute Christians , & especially against pride and sensuality , the Prologue and the first part are chiefly intended . The second giues a due praise without flattery , to one that is worthy of it , and a iust checke without gall to some that deserue it . The third part as it teacheth indeede a reformation of the matter in question , so it toucheth in sport , a reprehension of some practises too much in custome . All which the reader that is honourable , wise , vertuous , and a true louer of his countrey , must needes take in good part . Now gentle reader , if you will still say this is fantasticall , then I will say againe , you would not haue read it except it had bene fantasticall , and if you will confesse the one , sure I will neuer deny the other .

The second fault you obiect , Answere to the second obiection of scurrility . is scurrility , to which I answere , that I confesse the obiection , but I deny the fault , and if I might know whether he were Papist or Protestant that maketh this obiection , I would soone answere them : namely thus ; I would cite a principall writer of either side , and I wold proue , that either of them hath vsed more obscenous , fowle , and scurrill phrases , This cannot be denied . ( not in defence of their matter , but in defacing of their aduersary ) in one leafe of their bookes , then is in all this . Yet they professe to write of the highest , the holiest , the waightiest matters that can be imagined , and I write of the basest , the barrennest , and most witlesse subiect that may be described . Quod decuit tantos cur mihi turp● putem ? I forbeare to shew examples of it , least I should be thought to disgrace men of holy and worthy memory .

For such as shall find fault that it is too Satyricall , Answer to the third obiection , that it is too Satyrical or sharpe against the faults of the time . surely I suppose their iudgement shall sooner be condemned by the wiser sort , then my writings . For when all the learned writers , godly preachers , and honest liuers ouer all England ( yea ouer all Europe ) renew that old complaint . Regnare nequitiam & in deterius res humanas labi . Seneca . When wee heare them say daily ; that there was neuer vnder so gracious ahead so gracelesse members , after so sincere teaching , so sinfull liuing : in so shining light , such workes of darkenesse . When they crie out vpon vs , yea cry indeed , for I haue seene them speake it with teares , that lust and hatred were neuer so hote , loue and charitie were neuer so colde : that there was neuer lesse deuotion , neuer more diuision : that all impiety hath all impunity : finally , that the places that were wont to be the samples of all vertue and honour , are now become the sinkes of all sinne and shame . These phrases ( I say ) being written and recorded , sounded and resounded in so many bookes and Sermons , in Cambridge , in Oxford , in the Court , in the countrey , at Paules crosse in Paules church-yard : may not I as a sorie writer among the rest , in a merie matter , and in a harmelesse manner , professing purposely , Of vaultes , and prîuies , sinkes and draughts to write , proue according to my poore strength , to draw the readers by some pretie draught , Allusion to the former wordes . to sinke into a deepe and necessary consideration , how to amend some of their priuy faultes ? Beleeue it ( worthy readers , for I write not to the vnworthy ) A IAX when he is at his worst , yeeldes not a more offensiue sauour , to the finest nostrils , then some of the faultes I haue noted , doe to God and the world . Be not offended with me for saying it , more then I am with some of you for seeing it . But this I say , if we would amend our priuy faultes first , we should afterward much the better reforme the open offences , according to the old prouerbe . Euerie man mend one , and all would be amended . Trust me , they do wrong me that count me Satyricall . Alas I do but ( as the phrase is ) pull a haire from their beards whose heades perhaps by the old lawes and canons should be shorne . If you will say there is salt in it , I will acknowledge it , but if you will suspect there is gall in it , I renounce it . I name not many , and in those I do name , I swarue not farre from the rule , Play with me , A fit rule to be kep● , and breedes all misrule when it is broken , specially by honorable persons . and hurt me not : Iest with me , and shame me not .

For some that may seeme secretly touched , and be not openly named , if they will say nothing , I will say nothing . But as my good friend M. Dauies sayd of his Epigrams , that they were made like dublets in Birchen lane , for euery one whom they will serue : so if any man finde in these my lines any raiment that sutes him so fit , as if it were made for him , let him weare it and spare not , and for my part I would he could weare it out . But if he will be angrie at it , then ( as the old saying is ) I beshrew his angrie hart : and I would warne him thus much ( as his poore friend ) that the workeman that could with a glaunce onely and a light view of his person , make a garment so fit for him , if the same workman come and take a precise measure of him , may make him another garment of the same stuffe ( for there neede go but a payre of sheeres betweene them ) that in what sheere soeuer he dwelleth , he may be knowne by such a coate as long as he liueth . Well , to conclude , let both the writer and the readers endeuour to mend our selues , and so we shall the easier amend others , and then I shall thinke my labour well bestowed in writing , and you shall thinke yours not altogether lost in reading . And with this honest exhortation I would make an end , imitating herein the wisest Lawyers , who when they haue before the simplest Iurers , long disputed their cases to litle purpose , are euer most earnest and eager at the parting , to beat into the Iuries head some speciall point or other , for the behoofe of their client . For so would I , howsoeuer you do with the rest of the matter : I would I say , faine beate still into your memorie this necessarie admonition ( which my new taken name admonisheth me of ) to cleause , amend , ●●os . and wipe away all filthinesse . To the which purpose , I could me thinke allegorise this homely subiect that I haue so dilated , and make almost as good a Sermon , as the Frier did before the Pope , saying nothing but Matto San Pietro three times , That is to say , What a foole was S. Peter ? and so came downe from the pulpit againe : and being afterward examined , what he meant to make a Sermon of three wordes , but three times repeated before the triple crowned Prelat , and so many Cardinals . He told them , they might finde a good Sermon in Matto San Pietro ; as namely , if heauen might be gotten notwithstanding all the pride , pleasures , and pompe of the world , with ●ase , sensualitie and Epicurisme , then what a foole was S. Peter to liue so strict , so poore , so painfull 〈◊〉 With which it is possible his auditorie was more edified , or at least more terrified , then they would haue bene at a longer Sermon . But I will neither end with Sermon nor prayer , lest some wags liken me to my L. ( ) players , who when they haue ended a baudie Comedy , as though that were a preparatiue to deuotion , kneele downe solemnly , and pray all the companie to pray with them for their good Lord and maister . Yet I wil end with this good counsell , not vnsuting to the text I haue thus long talked of .

To keepe your houses sweet , cleanse priuy vaults , To keepe your soules as sweet , mend priuie faults . FINIS .
Notes, typically marginal, from the original text
Notes for div A02649-e70
Notes for div A02649-e190
Notes for div A02649-e490
Notes for div A02649-e1800