Plaine Perceuall the peace-maker of England Sweetly indeuoring with his blunt persuasions to botch vp a reconciliation between Mar-ton and Mar-tother. Compiled by lawfull art, that is to say, without witch craft, or sorcery: and referred specially to the meridian and pole artichoke of Nomans Land: but may serue generally without any great error, for more countries then Ile speake of.

HE was a tender harted fellow , though his luck were but hard , which hasting to take vp a quarrell , by the high way side , betwéen a brace , of Saint Nicholas Clargie men : was so curteously imbraced on both parties , that he tendered his purse for their truce , and swapt away his siluer for Copper retaile . Such copsmates would be examined , if it were but for Alcumist : & such a kind hart Chronicled , if it were but for a foole .

All this wind shakes none of my Corne , quoth Perceuall , whereupon Gossip Reason the chiefe actor in the pageant of my braine , and high speaker in the Parlament of my deuise , began this motherly , and well powdered tale . The medling Ape , that like a tall wood cleauer , assaying to rend a twopenny billet in two péeces , did wedge in his pettitoes , so fast , betwéen the two clefts , that he stucke by the féete for a saie : and remained foorth comming at the discretion of those , whose occupation he enchrochd vpon before he was frée : Short though were his prentiship , did he not pay for his learning ? Tush Perceuall , hath no felicitie in these captious Intergatories . And therefore good swéete Tenant Reason , speake plainely , and say Landlord mine ( giue euery man his right ) he that thrusts his finger betwéen the barke and the trée , is like to be pinched : Counterfet Martin , or Counter Martin , let them fight or be frinds , with a knaues name : encounter not them , they be like Gins , they carry fier in their harts , and death in their mouths . If they get thée within their reach : thou must come to knokham faire , and what bewtéene the block & the béetle , be thumpd like a stockfish , now gandmer are not these your examples moralized ? Pithy stufe to kéepe a man from crossing the bowling Alley , for feare of a broken shin . Or it moues me as much as Two ancient standers , that Senior and the post . the fatherly rebuke of an old stander , moude that vniuersity post , which séemed to take the wall of a Senior . I cannot though you should bind me to such a stubborn post , as that graue student met with in the darke , but carry one bucket of water , when I heare the bels ring backward , and the fire runne forward . They were in a fault , where the fire first began ' : but first and last , helpe , quench all ; or else these high flying sparks will light on the heads of vs all , and kindle in our bedstraw , if other folkes lodging be no better then mine . Well fare London yet , for a policie besides water ( which they put in practise too lately , the more was the pitty : ) pull downe the houses burning , lest they catch hold on their neighbors . I , but you talke of cost , and commission . That tricke would aske a long pole and a hoke , and my quarter stafe is too short , except a man stood on tiptoe . But now I remember my selfe , neuer will I ouerstraine my strength , nor play at hand ouer head so high , but where I may féele sure footing .

Giue me my spectacles , that I may sée whether I dreame , or whether these sights be all in good sadnes , which I behold , sometime these madcaps be at a fray : sometimes at a feast : it makes no matter whether it be plaine dealing or iugling , take them at the best , and sit downe to their banket . And sith Martin and his brood hath furnished the first course , with sundry dishes , & saweed them throughly : and againe his heauie frinds Pasquill , Marforius , and the fresh Cater of late , haue counter coursd him , with messes somewhat hoat of the spice : ( for the Pay had corns of long Pepper as big as a hatchet : ) I follow like a plaine dunstable Groome , with salt and spoones on a trencher . Indéede you say true , Sal sapit omnia : and seruice without salt , by the rite of England , is a Cuckholds sée , if he claime it . Go to then , and take salt to your soppes , least sorrow attaint them . Make brine for your bull biefe , that it may sucke out those swelling corrupt affections that remaine some what rancke in the flesh . As for my spoons , those I brought , that I & my companions might haue one slap at the Spoone meat , wherein Martin boasted Martin cald his arguments spoon meat in his protest . his Cookery : and the other set out their skill . They had néede be large long Spoons ( say you ) if I come to féed with such whipsters . Let me alone , for my actiuity , at the dish meat , and a long arme , though my scoope be the shorter . Perceuall , you are somewhat a mery man , as well as the rest , according to your homely Countrey fashion . Mary sir , there is somewhat in it beside true working , and a Gods name , quoth the good-man , that checkt his wife , for hopping about the house , and telling what the schollers of Oxford paid for their good cheare : when he no sooner stept ouer the threshold , but fell into the same tune and taking ; and about they went . My Masters be ware of Martins circle , for if his frinds or his foes chop into it vnawares , they are like to daunce after his pipe , and set themselues vpon a miry pinne , ( for so doth he ) till his vnderpinning will faile him , I doubt .

Come on Martin , put out ( as the passenger said to the Miller ) not a knaues head , no kéepe in , thou art wiser then so , yet if wind doe not faile thée , thy late Customers , which play more sacks to the mill , haue brought greists or iests at least wise to be ground . If thy mill stones be not worne too blunt , for want of pecking , there is picking meat for thée : make meale of it , and take large tole to the enriching of the Tolbot thou talkest off .

Martin me thinks the clacke of thy mill , is somewhat noisome to the whole countrey , thou liuest in ; either thou art well set en worke , or else , thou hast wind at will to thy sailes .

I pray thée make once an auricular confession , tell me in mine eare : is the desire of Reformation so déeply imprinted in thine hart , as the terme is often printed in thy papers ? Is it conscience or lucre , that spur-gals thy hackney pen , to force it take so high a hedge , as thou leapest at ? I haue séene as mad a trick as this , when a Rancke rider hath put his horse to a hedge , and lay in the ditch for his labor . Thy foming mealy mouth betokeneth stomacke , and yoong vnbridled fits , for all that fatherly countenance , & graue vizard which sometimes thou vsest to plead the cause of thy Reformation vnder . No no , you vse the nostrils too much , and to many vnseasoned frumps , to come of that raze , that sincerely in time of superstition required Reformation . Whow ? I go about to disgrace thée ? No no I come but by the way of intreaty , as it were with a becke to admonish thée , that thou putst the wrong foote before , and therefore pull backe . Yet beare with me , if I doubt whether all be gold that glistereth , sith Saint Martins rings be but Copper within , though they be gilt without , sayes the Goldsmith . Idle termes came neuer from Saint Paul , nor reprochfull taunts from Michaell : yet S. Paul , no doubt , was mery in his daies : and the Archangell , you know , was at controuersie with the Diuell . Here againe whow ? nay if I trot so heauily , I am neither for Martins riding , nor these thrée new mery mens reading . Gape Martin that I may sée thy age , but take héed , thou bite me not : I thought so : the marke is not out of thy mouth , for thou hast a Colts tooth in thine head still : if thou wilt haue it drawne by fowle means , these Roisters haue béetles to knocke it out : if gently , let me be thy tooth drawer , I haue a kind hart of mine owne , and that name hath béen good at such a practise heretofore .

Take héede Martin , a horse may ouer reach in a true pace , and thou play the foole though thou shouldst haue a good matter in hand . As for my part , I come not to take any part , I am none of those , which loue fending and proouing , if I can part you but for the time present , I am at my Iourneies end . Let the higher officers examine the cause , and find the fault ( if al be true thou talkest of ) where it is : yet ( as a wel bearded Poet taught a Quéene to speake in a Latine Enterlude ) Etsi causa repetentis bona , Mala sic perentis est . Out vpon thée Perceuall , what gibberish is that ? what , what , latine in the mouth of a plaine fellow ? Nay I wot néere , but it hath left behind it a wale in my throate like a strange body-louse in an vnknowne pasture . Wel Martin , Sustine pronunc , stand by a trice , but looke you depart not the court , in paine of mine Indignation . Thou shalt perceiue that like a good sempster , I can cut euen by a thréed , and part this quarrell without partiality . If I vse indifferency , call me not Iohn Indifferent now , for my good will : or if I lay my helping hand , to the cure of such a broile , without breach of peace , or danger of riot ; say not thou as an olde Pasquill said being in a traunce of that famouse and modest Clarke Erasmus , that I hang houering in the mid way betwixt heauen and hell : He no doubt , misused , for fancie sake the memory of a good man deceased : and thou in so saying shouldst mistake the good meaning of one wel Disposed . Stand by I say , till thy turne comes about againe ,

Now , my Countrey men on the other part , make your appearance , thinke not skorne that Perceuall , is somewhat in your tops , my sirname is Peace-Maker , one that is but poorely regarded in England , bicause Peace hath béen long plentifull : but yet one that may speake with some authority , as long as our most roiall Peace-Mistres holds the sterne ( which God grant long she may . ) That faire , and fairest flower , in our garland , if she should faile : then were it high time for Perceuall and all Peace-Makers , to put vp their pipes , or else in stéed of the soft violine , learne to sound a shrill trumpet . Well then , let a poore mans tale be hard amongst you . Martin is the man and the marke you shoot your forked arrowes at : if you strike his face , you can raise no skin , for his forhead is brasse : nor fetch vp his blood , bicause he is giuen to blush no more than my black dog at home : welfare a faire face vpon an ill paire of shoulders yet : if you pearce his hart , you can doo him little harme , for he is liude like a Cat : strike his toong , the biternes of the same , will trace out the Author of the wound , like the fish Torpedo , which being towchd , sends her venime alongst line and angle rod , till it cease on the finger , and so mar a fisher for euer . Fie , fie , will you vpon a spléen , run vpon a Christen body , with full cry and open mouth ? Though indéed I cannot blame you , sith his procéedings were so vnchristianlike , if you tooke him for a Monster , or a Maddog : and so went about to worme him : but I am afraide such a carelesse curre , is cureles : wormeséede and reasons will doo him no good : and for other remedies that might come by insicion , his wormeaten Conscience refuseth , ( as Dionysius did the hands of his Barbar , for feare lest mistaking his beard , he would haue cut his throat ) and therefore kéeps him out of your Clutches . Yt were good to kéepe such a Cur in awe , but alas hurt him not , for a dogs mouth is medicineable , ( they say : ) Verum est , if he bite not where he should licke , I am answered . But here is such likening Christianfolks to dogs ; that I cannot away with it . Shall we haue neighbors children , lie skufling in the kennel together by the eares like bride well birds ? it is as good as a beare bayting for them , which loue neither , to sée either Nouze other so bedlemlike . Neuer a beadle sturring ? nor bear-heard at hand to put his staffe in the mouth of the beare , or pull off these dogs ? This will proue foule play : whosoeuer get the victorie , Seu vincas , seu vincêris , maculêre necesse est si : the rest was at my fingers end : but fare well it , since it is gone : Beare with my shittle remembrance . I doe not thinke , though Martin and you be of diuerse Parishes , but you be all of one Church , saile all in one ship , and dwell all in one Common-wealth . Nay you are all good subiects , or else I would the woorst were curbd with a checkthong , as bigge as a towpenny halter , for halting with a Queene so good and gratious . All this hart burning betwéene you , is but about the bounds of the Parish , and the limits of the Church lands . Let the yoouth be content to be infourmed of the Mearstones , by the Auncientry of the Parish : and not continew such bustling , backbiting , with facing & defacing one another to the vttermost : this is Spight , and not Spirit , or if it be , it is some spightfull Spirit . It were enough to entitle those Browne sectaries of the Blacke Prince , with the name of traytors , and not to cast them like squibs & wild fire within your owne hatches , and the body of your owne Common-wealth . Mary who began ( say you : ) Martin cald traytor first , he spake lauishly , and must heare as knauishly . Now the blood is vp ; he that hath most gall in his garbage , thinks to win the goale . And he that hath most toong powder hopes to driue the other out of the field first . I could tell these eager younsters , how they might be euen with their Aduersary : giue faire words for foule : Doe good against euill : and heape hoat burning coales vpon his head . That is a sentence sooner belieud bicause it is scripture , then put in practise , for all it is true .

Such a Deane , such a Doctor , slips within the compasse of treason cries Martin . Another , takes him by the nose with a paire of left-handed pincers , and puls him ouer the pumpes into the same puddle . Wot you O P. P. there I plaid vpon thee to thy paine . what the little wagges saide , when they had béene telling many precious miracles of Robin-goodfellow and the diuell ? We shall speake so long of the diuell in iest , that he shall come amongst vs in good earnest : God warrant vs , and therewithall , crost themselues , for it was in the old time : I would we could blesse vs from him , this newe time . But I am afraid , there will be so much talke of traitor , & so long vse of such bugs words , that some of our Male-contented Hussnuffs , and Marprelats will prooue their words master , yet I will nicke-name no bodie : I am none of these tuft mockadoo mak-a-dooes : for Qui mocchat , moccabitur , quoth the seruingman of Abington .

And , as who shoulde say , they that named Rebels oftenest with a breath , were the soundest winded subiects : who can tell that ? Not I : but sure I am , that the boy which gréeted his father with a letter clapt full of commendations , commendations , and nothing but commendations , prooude as untoward a sonne , as he that directed his superscription to his most obedient parents .

If Menippus , or the Man in the Moone , be so quick-sighted , that he beholds , these bitter swéete Iests , these railing outcries : this shouing at Prelats to cast them downe , and heauing at Martin to hang him vp for Martilmas biefe : what would he imagine otherwise , then as that stranger , which séeing a Quintessence ( beside the foole & the Maid Marian ) of all the picked yoouth , straind out of an whole Endship , footing the Morris about a May pole . And he , not hearing the crie of the bounds , for the barking of dogs , ( that is to say ) the minstrelsie for the fidling , the tune for the sound , nor the pipe for the noise of the tabor , bluntly demaunded , if they were not all beside themselues , that they so lipd and skipd without an occasion .

Backe with that leg Perceuall : Nouice as thou art , dost thou thinke that we are some , all mad ? Alas I am a stranger , & cannot tel what your horse play meanes . Learne , learne to vnderstand the occasion of those actions : Their words are common ? for euery cut-purse Occasions & actions common . vseth them at the Old Bayly , that hath had any skill in his miniken Handsaw .

I can tell who was acquainted with an olde sooker , that caries such Potticall verses of the State of Flanders , in a linnen bag ( though they be no baggage neither ) as would make a man thinke vpon driuing out sides , and taking of parts as long as he liues . My selfe drinking hand to hand with the founder of them : for lacke of a nutmeg , he gaue me a great and a lesse , to grate in a spice bole , and this was the powder . Orgia turbantem natum dum mactat Agaue , Insana , insanum Penthea , credit aprimi .

Had not he a long wind that sowpd vp these two at a draught ? and a good head that carried them away without staggering , togither with their Appurtenances ? Mad was the mother & kild hir wood sonne , &c. That liquid Poet , had askt himselfe the question , who was in the fault , that two factions were at daggers drawing , till they were like to draw all to an vprore , he answers like a slie slaue ; Ambo . for that was his meaning , though he whéeld about , séeking to declare his mind , with a Far Fetched Simile .

But ( say you ) there is no reason in it , that we should stand bound to the good a-bearing , crcept Martin were bound to the peace . Yf he snarle like a cur at vs , why should not we prouide a Bastinado for him ? and he making an assault , to mount ouer our parke pales : why may not we haue one cast in his Orchard , and a fling at his Medlar trée ? Mary sirs , for feare the Cudgell fall downe againe vpon a mans owne Costard . If a swift running streame haue frée passage along the kennell , fare well it , you shall neuer heare worse of it : but stop it , & Hercules like where it finds no way , it will make one : and so set the next neighbors medowes all on a floate . When he began to skold first , you should haue betooke him to an Ostler , to walke , while you had cald an officer to chamber his toong .

So if you had done , his owne poison would haue festered in his owne flesh . Prid and venime , if they had so ranckly possessed his hart , they would haue set his owne skin a strute , and burst his hide before this time . I sée the vaine is vp in the forhead , and Martin shall haue as good as he brings , or else a frée schoole of skolds shal be set vp for the nonce . O that M. Th. Cicero might rise againe , a little before his turne , & sée railing made a profession , Slaunder set in a Shrine , and honored with the slaughter of many ripe wits , in stéed of a sacrifice : how would he blame England now , ( as he blamed Athens when he liude ) for erecting Chappels in honor of that dishonorable cowple : Reproch and Impudency : or as he checkd his Countrey men the Romans , which Virtutes enim non vitia con. secrare decet ●ic . de l● . 2. had builded an altar to the Agewe , and a monument to the remembrance of Cursed Fortune . I cannot tell what Spirituall Chappels , and Inuisible altars our men set vp now a daies , but I am sure , one of the Largest Churches in England is like to fall on his maribons , and so mar the fashion of his bones , that it may be cald Allstones here after . Had Martin walkd that way he might haue espide a great hole & a miserable maime in the body of that Church . It is an ill wind that blowes no man to good they say : yea but the Prophet Aggeus would haue giuen counsaile to repaire such a place of praier : if Martin himselfe crie Hauocke at it , beléeue him not , Aggeus was a great deale the honester man , although while he liude he was no saint . Where was I ? my iourney lies not that way : I was about to say that the Printers had hard luck if they lost by these matches that are made of late against Martin . Whose states when I looke vpon , I am ready to crie at as a Countrey man of mine did , when trauersing London stréets , he spide a Iacke an apes , in a gaie cote , sit mooing on a Marchants bulke : Good Lord what knacks are made for money , now adaies ?

Speake a blooddy word in a Barbors shop , you make a forset : and good reason too , Cap him sirra , if he pay it not . Speake a broad word or vse a grosse tearme amongst huntsmen in chaze , you shall be leasht for your labor : as one that disgraceth a gentlemans pastime and game , with the termes of a heardsman . And is there no penaltie to represse such lauish ouer reachers as offer legends of lies to the presse ? Martin , he put those lies into print vnlawfully , which he coind in : & others opposite to his humor will haue their lies lie open manifestly , if it be but to shew that they dare put in for the whetstone , and make as lowd lies as Martin the forman . But who is the father of such fruit , or the sower of such séede ? False witnes , & lying was forbode by Moses Law , but is taken vp now for a custome , of one lewd Customer , and hath got Chapmen that will neuer lay it downe , except they make their end as tedious to the indifferent Reader , as his beginning was odtous to the peaceable hearer . He that catcheth euery flying tale by the end , may chance to take a frog for a fish , and doo as the boy , that bit a snake by the head instéed of an éele . Heresay is too slender an euidence to spit a mans credit vpon , or to broach a mans Conscience with kitchin termes or any thing , nothing comes amisse to Perceuall .

I sée neighbors how you croud backward , thinking belike to ride vpon my Crupshoulders : I am no Ape Carrier , I pray you defile not my shéeps russet Coate , with your dirtie shoes yet : this home made Karsey , and my plain spéeches may haue as much wooll ( I dare not say so much wit ) as is in your double pild veluet . Blessed are the Peace-makers ( I say : ) & so are neither the bréeders nor fauourites of discord . Cursed are the malitious inuentors of slanders ; and so are neither the renewers nor continuers of Concord . O so some of those companions ply the bore , to bore a shadowe , and beate their knuckels against a bare wall , and to get a sure card on their side , either calles for Iustice , and séekes to incense our noble Queene against the other . Indéed I confesse some of them haue great cause so to doo , but what then ? Let hir imperiall Maiestie alone , by hir gratious leasure , and wisedome , she will prepare a boisterous snuffle , for such boisterous head-strong Iaddes , as will be wincing . Slow to wrath , and slower to punishment , and alwaies like Elizabeth , she peaseth the sword of Iustice , with an vpright hand : when season serues , she will strike , and yet deuide so equally , that she hurts not one heire of an naturall subiect . No doubt she is the naturall mother of this Iland ( if Salomon himselfe were Iudge ) that is so tender ouer hir Sonnes and subiects . And they on the other side , stepdames , and most vnnaturall parents , that would haue their children dismembred & cut off in middle . Againe , those children be chaunglings , that in stéede of sucking the milke , would sucke the blood of their nourses . Dost thou beléeue there be any Fairies then Perceuall ? I cannot tell whether there be Fairies , but I am sure there is a foule Diuell that brings foorth changeable coured vrchins , which can glister like a glose worme neare gold , looke pale and wan vpon Lead , and browne vpon Iron : tell me now , whether is such a one a Chaungling , a Horselech , or a Chamelaeon ? their Law : set downe your staffe , and pause a while , this heauie fardell hath bred a stitch in my short ribs . But well remembred , Crier , make an , o yes , for Martin to come into the Court . O sir , doo you stand vnder my sléeue , and I sée you not ? I pray God I haue not a foole at mine elbow , the Diuell you haue , quoth his heauy frinds . I thinke the mad slaue , hath tasted on a ferne-stalke , that he walkes so invisible .

I haue had conference Martin , with these ruffe Roisters that challendge thée at all weapons , from the forrest bill , to the bodkin . They séeme to blame a certaine Pipe of Pistling , that hath tooke the tip of thy toong and a vaine of lauish iangling , that hath made thy palate rise out of socket . Their téeth water at reuenge , and are sharpe set on edge : thy selfe was the grindstone of their wits , and now if they cannot come at the faire , to hold thy nose to the grindstone , they sweare to chop thy Relickes and hacke thine hackle as small as fewell to the fire . I perceiue , and they would faine be on thy Iacke for thy sawcines , that thou art principall picker of the quarrell .

O Martin , honor gray heares , during thy nonage : or else looke for dishonor and dotage if thou canst get any competent yéers on thy backe , before thou procurest a hempen chaine aboue thy shoulders . Be thou a yoong boy , or a stale Batchelar , ( vnmaried thou art by thine own Protestation ) learne to reuerence those two ornaments of a common-wealth , Age and Authority . Barre this pert bearding of men reputed honest for their behauiour , and honorable both for their calling and counsaile : Leaue thrumming thy Pibauld Iestes with Scripture , Iron and Clay will not be tempered togither . Thy pamphlets which thou sendest into the broad world , may well be Pistles , but certainely they be no Gospels . The word of God is sufficient to worke the will of God , & néede not thy friuolous medleis , thy humane traditions , or additions , either to qualifie the vertue , or disgrace the enemies thereof , which thou pretendest , being thy selfe , I doubt , an archenemie to the same .

Aske the Printer is he haue not a merier booke : this fellow is falne so low into his dumps , that there is no sport in reading him . Let me gape and stretch my selfe a little , and then hay we ye .

I find that in euery trade and occupation , there is a better and a worse , as there is in euery warpe of fish , a great and a lesse . There is a Shomaker , there is a Cobler : a Tailor , and a Botcher : a Marchant , and a Broker : a Haberdasher and a Pedlar : a Mason and a Dawber : a Minstrell and a Fidler : a Parson and a Uicar : a Minister and a Curat : there steps me in a third tricksie , neat , nimble , spruse Artificer into euery one of these occupations : and like a prickeard Mule will be of another distinct kind from either dame or fire . One standing all vpon his pumps & pantables , will be aboue a Shomaker . Another mounts vpon a loftier Shop bourd then a Tailor , and wil be none otherwise termde then a shaper of garments forsooth . Stand thy ground Perceual , neuer run through such a rablement of Craftsmen forward , and backeward , I am windles to follow thée so fast ouer & ouer so many trads . I haue thy meaning at one word , as well as at an hundred . Then sir if you be of such a sodaine conceipt , follow me step by step , from these handicrafts to matters of Religion . Some of conscience study to reforme their owne liues , & looke first into their own bosome : others to the intent that all the world might suppose , that nothing were amisse at home , like bad huswifes flie abroad , and search out publike imperfections , to busie their heads about . Some againe endeuor to practise , without a multiplying of words openly : others beare a ready toong in their heads , but bray them in a morter , they will neuer be mortified in déeds : Some earnest protestants are precise in correcting their owne corrupt affections , and in aduertising their brother kindly of his faults as they fall : he goes for my money . Comes me in an Hipocriticall younster , and he will be a Puritane , and an ase before any that euer bare the name , or else you abuse him . I haue heard of words that haue degenerated into a worse signification from a better , but few termes that were betterd by any that vsed them . I hard say a good old Doctor ( he shall haue my good word though he be laid in his graue ) found out Puritanisme in Papistry ( for so he termed their fained hipocrisie ) when he dealt against Iesuits : then though we cannot be too forward in a good matter , yet the diuel can inuent sins in excesse , aswell as in defect . Men haue great desire to be compted high fliers and déepe swimmers , yet be the both daungerous exercises , considering that a man hath neither winges to beate the aire , nor finnes to breake the water . Adam would haue béene a God , but that his foote slipt , and he fel into a state mortall . I doo not thinke , Martin , but the olde Serpent can tempt the perfectest Eue that euer was , and then let Eue alone to perswade hir husband . But thou hast no Eue to trouble thée : no but thou hast flesh and blood to interrupt thée .

Nay Perceuall , now you wade into such particulars , you are wide : stand not vpon the priuate censuring of persons , lest thou séemest as senseles , as they which determine vpon an Ale bench whether the passenger that passeth by the lettise , be a Saint or a Diuell . Nay ho there neighbor : ch aue hard them say , that if a man point with his finger in the Court of a Prince , he may chaunce to forfet his whole fist for his sawcines : he points faire , that disapoints his mouth of such a nourse , as either of his hands be .

But there is one thing vsed amongst these Marrers and Markers of folkes which maske with vizards of Reformation , that stickes in my stomacke , and wil not be digested . The greatest coursers , and professed hunters of dumbe dogs : such as wery themselues in hollowing after that Vermine , and make their voices hoarse , in crying out against them , are the very foster fathers , that pester our Church with that Cattell . I wish that we had none of these toong-tide Curs , that cannot barke , nor say buffe to a woulfes shadow : if it were possible . But you that most cry out against them , why haue you brought them vp no better ? Why haue you not taught some of those Puppes their lerrie ? I will take it vpon the credit of my selfe , an vpstantiall yeoman , that they most part of these mute shepheards are hatchd vp vnder the wing of those which beate most vpon the remoouing of dumbe dogs . I could giue you some examples in Bedfordshire : a whole rablement at least . A Preacher , if his conceipt be any thing swift , that he can rolle it in the pulpit , must haue his reader at his elbow , to fauor his voice . A Minister that hath any thing a fat benefice , and a full belly , will haue his Co-brother to assist him . And what must he be but either an halfe-peny boy , or an idle craftsman , that shall serue for meate , drinke and cloth , a little tutoring in Diuinitie , & the reuersion of a benefice , when it fauls , where his godfathers commendatorie letters may preuaile . I could well like that men of some desert and imploiment should haue their assistants , so they were Preachers , but you shall not take them in that fault . Where is the conscience of these criers out on blinde guides become ? not resident at home now : but abroad , busie in inueighing against Bishops for their tolerations graunted , to such as themselues haue preferred , commended , presented . And by this Leger-demaine hath the Common-wealth béen robd of Tailors , Shoomakers , and good Artificers , and the Church ouercharged with bad Ministers : which thanke God , I dare saie in their hearts ( with that firehot Preacher ) that they are so farre from the Romish Religion , as they cannot vnderstand a word of the Latine toong . I tell you , this is a miserie to heare , and a miserie to sée : that such eager Callers for Reformation , should plant s●ips of their owne gathering : supplant Magistrates for wincking at it , and make the people beléeue , that they would haue it otherwise , with all their hearts . Now dare these fellowes aspire to further authoritie in Minister-making , when they suffer their houses to be the Nourceries of such impotent and impudent encrochers vpon Church-Offices ? What saie the people to this geare ? tush , let the master alone to speake for the man : he will commend him , for his great pro●̄ting in knowledge vnder him : preferre him for a péece of plaine doctrine ; praise him , that he is not infected with Philosophie , or such like Vniuersitie learning : but especially that he is an honest man , zealous , forward in Religion , and one that séekes for Reformation . This fellow cannot be misliked I warrant you : I , I that one word of Reformation , Martin , which hath béen so much in thy mouth , & so greatly in thy request , hath made thy Customers swarme like Bees to the ringing of a Bason : but take héed , thine owne Cattaile sting thée not , when they shall taste what Hemlockes thou hast mingled , wherewith thine hiue was annointed .

But tush thy gossips will stand vpon it , that Martins clocke goes true , though the Diuell were in the Horologe : their rellish is altered so far with the sirope of selfe-loue , that Choller is called Zeale , and Melancholy , Mortification : whereupon followes swift iudgement that cuts all other from saluation : and some bad sullen conceipt peeuishly taken from their owne humorous imagination , that they would haue all stampt vpon , that be not of their stampe , or will not be strainde to their starke staring madnes . You had best saie now I speake against good men : quatenus they are good , Martin , I am their Orator , in the state demonstratiue to extoll them : but a wart is a wart if it were in the face of Alexander : frowardnes is frowardnes , if it were in my Father : sinne is sinne in holie Dauid himselfe . And Socrates had a wanton looke of his owne , though his schollers should beat the Phisiognomer for so saying . I would they were so good as I could wish them : we should haue better fruit , and more good déeds , which are now both thin sowne god wot , & thinner growne . Yet be they , as be may , I may be thus bold with their masterships . Beware of a heat , for so long as a man is warme , he cannot féele his owne imperfections , but thinketh that euerie man which sweats not is keycold , such firie Agues fall soonest into a surfeit , and founder themselues with their intemperate behauiour . You shal haue a lame Jade , bridle , and brag it vp and downe Smithfield , when he is a little chafde , as though hée could stand on no ground for lustines : set him vp in a stable , till he wax a litle cold , and his limbes be so stiffe , he can stand on no ground for lamenes . Some of thy mates Martin , I am afraid , be alwaies stirring so busily , least standing long still in the open faire , they fall to downeright halting , and so be disclosed for arrant heldings . Such Iadish trickes make a sound horse to be suspected , and some hipocrites , make earnest professors doubted of , yet neither condemned so vnmercifullie as though there were no way but one : God forbid . But leaue leaue , all the sort of you , to boulster vp the faults of your own parishioners , & boult out the skapes ofsuch as are none of your sectaries . One spakey Apple will make the whole hourd smel , picke him out : One Hipocriticall dissembler , will bring reproch vpon the whole brotherhood , cull him out : and although he defie the Surplice , ( which is a point of great valiancie ) yet let him be put to the choice of a whip or a white shéete : if he haue offered in secrecie to defend this position . That a woman waking may lawfully graft Dianaes armes , vpon the Temples of her husband sleeping . You meane vnhappily Perceuall , whatsoeuer your wordes be : I know a newst what Circuit you are in . But is it not a Religious déed to conceale the blemish of a brother , least the Gospell be ill spoken of for his misdéeds ? As who should say the punishment of malefactors were not the fruit of the Gospell ? which heauenly & blameles Oracle none but Atheists and Miscreants will condemne for the shameles action , of such a one as speakes of gospels in the day : but vseth I knew not what night-spels in the darke . Neuer be afraid that any which hath his fiue senses , will impute the fall of a brother to the ouergreat knowledge he had in the scriptures : but to the slender practise and profite he made in the same : for all his great boast . Take héed , haue an eye to the doore , least that , that Frierly Caueat créepe in amongst Protestants , Simon casl● tamen ca●● . whereby their ghostly Fathers wished a man to liue Charily , though not chastly .

Whether will Perceuall and this weather holde ? nay no further Martin , thou maist spot in that hole , for i le come no more there : here I pitch my staffe , and stand to vrge thée , with these promises aboue named : thou begannest ●●st , and therefore giue not ouer last . Thy beginning was worst , let thine ending be best . Controuersies be meate and drinke to the people : but doo not cramme them with such gobbets , as may sticke in their throats , least they hang the head on the shoulder , like him that was slaine with an arrow at Tiburn prickes . That is a new kinde of dict , with all my hart . Yet sir , when the stéele and the flint be knockde togither , a man may light his match by the sparkle : surely , but I thinke tinder be verie danke now adaies , and though it take fire quickly , yet it takes light by leisure : for there hath béen striking and iarring euer since , and a great while before , that a learned man somewhat on thy side , Martin , séemed to persuade that contention for good matters was good : you should haue his words : but that Graecum est , non potest legi : and yet I sée no more Candles tinded than wont to be , but a great many Beacons Car. more fired then ought to be . You shall neuer make me belieue , that many Arguments turne soonest to Agréements . I haue séene them , which haue séene such hurly burlies about a couple , ( that were no Fathers of the Church neither ) Aristotle and Ramus , or els aske the Uniuersities , such a quoile with pro and con , such vrging of Ergoes , til they haue gone from Art togither by the eares , & made their conclusions end with a Clunch-fist , right like the old description of Logicke . My yoong maisters could not be content to whet their wits with such a contention : but fel to whetting their Tuskes at one another : like those children which sitting in the Chimney corner , some at one side , some at another , with the fire in the middle ; fell to it with firebrands , when they should haue but warmde themselues and away . One litle sparke of dissention , is able to set a whole house , a Towne , an Uniuersitie , a Citie , a whole Realme on fire , the affections of young men be so readie to nourish it . Well then Martin , and you professed Mar-Martins , in presence of me Perceuall shake hands & be friendes , meet halfe way , and I standing iump in the middle will crie aime to you both : so as you come not running with force and maine , and crush me betwixt you for my good will . As for thine offence Martin , of higher Powers , I dare vndertake , the Bishops séeke no blood , so as thy rash attempt might be qualified with submission . And so did Paul , ( cls I am deceiued ) either plead ignorance for an excuse , or séem to recant & correct his ruffe spéech , he had made to a man in authority : belike he was afraid least his example should haue animated any pert Controulers of Magistracy , and therefore cut them downe , which should speake ill of the Ruler of the people . How strangely looke these marchants on both sides ? I would we had an Ostler to giue them a turne or two till their sweating were done . What mettall be they made of ? their noise nothing like bels , & yet a man may stop his eares to hear their dinne , with honestie : it goes through my head , and makes a great many moe deafe and displeased besides me . They agrée like two drums , which are headed , the one with a shéeps skin , the other with a wolfes hide . It can neuer be good musicke , that stands all vpon sharpes , and neuer a flat : all diuisions framde with such long discords , & not so much as a concord to end withall , argues a bad eare , & a bungling Artist . Martin and counter Martin , be you not all Countrey men ? make you no account of that name ? vnnaturall children , will you distract your naturall mother ? will you send Foxes with fire brands at their tailes , to burne so forward a crop of toward youth , so well eared , that they put vs in hope alreadie of a timely haruest , and a plentifull Gardiner for seuen yéeres after ? send not a whirle winde amongst them , least beating one against another , they dash out the Curnell , or be ledgde on the ground .

Go too I say , neuer straine curtesie , who shall begin : beshrow him that comes lagge in so good a course as is renewing of frindship . Downe with those great harts , and bridle those angry fits , stand not in that clamorous accusation of one another , the best of both may be amended . Let the wisest be the forwardest , and the most foole the frowardest . What ouerthwart companions be these , the more I perswade , the more they looke askaunce ouer their shoulders : you turne the wrong way & be too wayward . Remember your selues , walke about , and coole this flushing in the face , left it fume vp , & make you braine sicke . I would faine doo some good vpon you : but when I lead a horse to the water , if he will not drinke , what can I doo , but whistle him . If my presens perswade nothing , yet in mine absence , thinke of Perceual , and let him not haue his name Peace-Maker for naught . I am sorry , if I haue put my finger in the fire , & cannot quench it : yet the best is , I can pull it out againe harmles , for a wet finger burns not . I wil kéepe me far enough from the flame , though perhaps I may smell in the smoke , by touching the brands .

O Perceuall ! so some of these wil be-daube thée with Inke , and plague thée with blacke and white : for I sée how they gird thee in their sléeu●s already . Tush I can paint as fast as they , though perhaps not altogither so faire . But a Iewes letter scrible scrable ouer the Copurtenaunce of a mans countenance , will dash a body wickedly . You sée my quarter staffe , is it not a blesse begger , thinke you ? A washing blow of this is as good as a Laundresse , it will wash for the names sake : it can wipe a fellow ouer the thumbs , wring a man in the withers , and must néeds dry beate a skoundrell , if it be artificially managed . Will you fight then Perceuall ? no truly , I had rather sée my quarter ashe staffe conuerted into ashes , then I would vse it against any person : and then I am sure I shall not be pinchd on the parsons side : for they would haue peace as well as I. But let a Trauailor walke with his implements about him : A Dag case may be as good now and then as a case of Dags . The sight of a Hanger rusted in the sheath hanging by ones side , may safe conduct a bodies purse , and saue a picking saint harted théefe from hanging beside . But what if these Roisters draw their Pen and Inkehornes , and so set vpon thée ? They may quickly set me vp , for I will be no Peace-Breaker : yet if they howse me , I may chaunce to thrust a wispe out of the window and so make them waspish . O that is an excellent Auditor for a skold , a cucking stoole will coole somewhat too much this wether : but a wispe wil heate to the hart like Malmesie . But you my Masters that striue , for this supernaturall art of wrangling : let all matters be husht and quiet a Godsname : if my toong waxe currant at the later end of my tale , and incur any suspition that I am currish naturde , bicause I talke of my fence , write my termes in the wind , or let them passe for wind : and carrouse vp your owne quarrels in the cup , and let the licour and they , like good fellowes , march arme in arme , downe your throats . And so hauing skinkde mine Vltimum Vale in a parting pot , I put you both in a draught : And drinke to the funerals of your Enimitie . Stay good neighbors , now I am for your company .

Medio Tutissimus ibis .