A fourth hundred of epygrams, newly inuented and made by Iohn Heywood Heywood, John, 1497?-1580? This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A03174 of text S117616 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 13297). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 43 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 18 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2018 A03174 STC 13297 ESTC S117616 99852828 99852828 18180 2248548661

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Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A03174) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 18180) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 839:09) A fourth hundred of epygrams, newly inuented and made by Iohn Heywood Heywood, John, 1497?-1580? [36] p. [In fleetstrete in the house late Thomas Berthelettes], Londini : Anno Christi. 1560. Printer from colophon. STC suggests "fifth" in place of "fourth". Formerly also STC 13297a. Signatures: A-B C² . Some print show-through. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. eng Epigrams. Proverbs, English. eebo A fourth hundred of epygrams, newly inuented and made by Iohn Heywood. Heywood, John, 1560 36 7439 11 0 0 0 0 0 14.79 C The rate of 14.79 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the C category of texts with between 10 and 35 defects per 10,000 words. 2005-11 Assigned for keying and markup 2005-11 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-08 Sampled and proofread 2006-08 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-09 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

❧ A fourth hundred of Epygrams , Newly inuented and made by Iohn Heywood .

LONDINI . Anno Christi . 1560.

To the reader . WEre it as parellous to deale cardes at play , As it is quarellous to deale bookes this day , One and forty men , among one and fyfty , Wold flee one and thirtie , to flee one vnthrifty ▪ And yet cardes so dealt should haue , in reuealyng , Foredeale of bookes in this harde tyme of dealyng . Cardes be tooted on but on the tone syde : Bookes on both sydes : in all places porde and pryde . Not to content , but to contend , vpon spyall Of least tyttle , that can come in tryall . If the best wryter to wryte be muche afrayde , More may I ( the woorst ) by fearefull feare be stayde . And were not this one thyng , feare shoulde stay me so , That booke or ballet , I neuer durst wryte mo . In all my symple wrytynge neuer ment I , To touche any pryuate person displeasantly . Nor none do & touche here : by name , but onely one , Which is my selfe : whom I may be bolde vpon . This ment in my makyng , syns proofe doth declare , I pray you readers to scan this , by this square . As I , for myrth , myryly dyd make it , So you , in myrth , myryly will take it . FINIS .
The table . OF weenyng and wottyng . 1. Of a man of lawe and his clyentes . 2. An aduyce against mockyng . 3. Of Itchyng and smartyng . 4. Of a sharpe tunge . 5. Of a horse . 6. Of a butler and a horse . 7. Of Brasse . 8. Of a louces dwellyng place . 9. Of a straunge glasse . 10 Of a dryuyng and drawyng . 11. Of longe sutes . 12. Of lightnesse . 13. Of a disagreement . 14 ▪ Of cheapyng of contes . 15. Of a wyfe hauyng chylde . 16. Of a bachiler and a mayde . 17. Of short payment . 18. Whence certayne thynges came fyrst . 19 Of furred and lyned gownes . 20. Of a wyne drawer . 21. Shorte checkes betweene a man and his wyfe . 22 Of a woman dekte in two coloures . 23. Of vnsweete breath . 24 Of clyppyng and clensyng . 25. Of a man and his wyues departyng . 26. ●n accounte of a mans children . 27. Of a woman of Huntington . 28. Of a laundres . 29. Of a cutter of purslane . 30. Of one that standeth in his owne conceite . 31. Of one that harde without eares , 32 , Of an archers rouyng , 33. Of peryll to one by the numbre of three . 34. Of Gloria patri . 35. Of a Diar . 36. Of a Iugge . 37. Of the three cuppes . 38. Of Brasse and Iron . 39. Of Iacke and Iohn . 40. Of wrestlyng . 41. Of pryde . 42. Of one hanged . 43. Of a dettar . 44. Of ●ouyng of a goose . 45. Of harpe strynges . 46. Of Fortune . 47. Of choyse . 48. Of a false bragge . 49. Of lying and true saiyng . 50. Of a dawe pate . 51. Of water and wyne . 52. Betweene dogges and a deere . 53. Of twelue and one . 54. Of verdingales . 55. Preceptes of a man to his wyfe . 56. Of a man expert . 57. Of deliuerance from yll . 58. Of cuttyng of the herbe tyme . 59. Of one fearyng the swette . 60. Of one thynkyng on an other . 61. Of one beyng at a poynte . 62. Of Testons . 63. Of red Testons . 64. Of stampyng . 65. Of Iohn long the carier . 66. Of turnyng . 67. Of maister Carter . 68. Of goyng farre . 69. How money is made lame . 70. Of an olde wooer . 71. Of a young wooer . 72. Of weakenesse and strength . 73. Warnyng of pryde . 74. Of pacience . 75. Of pleasyng . 76. Of a handgoon and a hande . 77. Of Brasse and Syluer . 78. A difference betwene wyse men and fooles . 79. Of a pythye wyt . 80. Of choyse to be a wyse man or a foole . 81. Of a knights carterly coller . 82. Of males and male horses . 83. A man discommended . 84 Of runnyng . 85. Of pollyng . 86. Of plate lent foorth . 87. Of a man of lawe and his wyfe . 88. Of pennes and pence . 89. Of a womans thinne tunge , 90. Of drynkyng to a man . 91. Of runnyng at Tylte . 92. Of expence . 93. Of fraiyng of babes : 94. Of reedes and okes . 95. Of biyng a morter . 96. Of a stepmother . 97. Of a lyer . 98. Of tunges and pynsons . 99. Of Heywood . 100. FINIS .
Epigrammes .
Of weenynge and wottinge . 1. Wyse men in olde tyme , wold weene them selues fooles . Fooles now in newe tyme , will weene them selues wise . Weene wise , and wot wise differ in wyse schooles : To weene them selues wyse , when fooles so deuyse , As foolyshe as frutelesse , is th enterpryse . This case is thus adiudgde , in wisedomes schoole : who weenth him selfe wise , wisoome wotth him a foole . Made by Iohn Heywood to these fooles euerychone , And made of Iohn Heywood , when he weenth him selfe none .
Of a man of sawe and his clientes . 2. Twentie clientes to one man of lawe , For counsell in twentie matters did drawe . Ethe one praiyng at one instant to speede , As all at once wolde haue speede to proceede . Freendes all ( ꝙ the learned man ) i le speake with none , Tyll one barber haue shauen all , one by one . To a barber they went all togyther : And beyng shauen , they returnde againe thyther . Ye haue ( quoth the lawyer ) taryde longe hence . Sir ( quoth one ) twentie coulde not be shauen sence ▪ Of one barber , for ye well vnderstande , One barber can haue but one shauyng hande . Nor one lawier ( quoth he ) but one talkyng tung Learne clientꝭ this lesson of this lawier sprung . Like as the barber , one after one must shaue , So clyentes of counsailours , counsaile must haue .
An aduise against mockyng . 3. Vse to thy true freende no derision . If thy freende spie it , he takth it poyson . Though thy freend dissemble th espyall cleerely , Yet spyde in a freende , it toucheth him neerely . Tellyng thy freende his faute , mockyng him not , If he thanke the not , then is he a sot .
Of itchynge and smartynge . 4. Ytchyng and smartyng , both towch vs at quicke . When we ytche , we scratch : when we smart , we kicke . But in our kyckyng at our present smarte , Let vs consyder our former desarte .
Of a sharpe tunge . 5. Wyfe , I perceiue thy tunge was made at Egeware . Ye syr , and yours made at Raylye , harde by thare .
Of a horse . 6. A Tylte horse , alias a beere horse to bee , Whiche woludst thou bee ? a beere horse I say to thee . When the horse is seene cheerely to drawe the beere , He is so praysde , that he may be proude to heere . At Tylte when the horse runthe as fast as he can , All crye well runne , not to the horse , to the man . And if the horse fall with the man ouerlade , Then crye they all , a vengeance on that lame iade .
Of a butler and a horse . 7. The butler and the beere horse both be lyke one . They drawe beere bothe : that is a truth to byde one . Bothe drawe beere in deede , but yet they dyffer Ione : the butler drawth & drinkth beere , the horse drinkth none .
Of brasse . 8. I perceiue well now that brasse is waxen proude , Because brasse so muche with syluer is aloude . And beyng both toynde , sins they most by brasse stande , That makth brasse bolde , to stande on the vpper hande .
Of a louces dwellinge place . 9. Were thou a louce & shouldst chose one dwelling place , Whether woldst thou dwell , hauing choise in this case , In mens bygge breeches , or in womens thicke ru●●es ? I would be , both for the places and stuffes , In sommer with women , in winter with men . In sommer the womans necke pleasant then , In wynter the mans breeche is close and warme . Large walks for lyse to walke warme without harme . Galeries , gable endes , chambers , parlers , halles , Colde froste to defende , a dosen double walles . som seeld , som hangd , som dide , som painted , som staind , Rents of all syse , great and small rentes retaind . And when by louce bytyng , the legge is itchyng , The barres of mens breeches haue such strong stitching , Such bolstring , such broydryng , let men stare & stampe , The louce is as safe there , as he were in a campe . In wynter I say these breeches are alone . But then in sommer let the louce thens be gone , For feare of a plague : if he then thyther gette , A thousande to one , he shall dye of the swette .
Of a straunge glasse . 10. Good god what a glasse to vewe is this ? See what an vnsightly sight here is . Great promyse , small performance . Great countenaunce , small continuance . Great wynnyng , small sauyng . Great hopyng , small hauyng . Great hyues , small honie . Great purses , small monie . Great gappes , small bushes . Great speares , small pushes . Great wyne , small water . Great woords , small mater . Great botome , small brinke . Great brewyng , small drynke . Great rent , small place . Great space , small grace . Great dryfte , small shyfte . Great gyfte , small thryfte , Great watchyng , small catchyng . Great patchyng , small matchyng . Great blood , small bruite . Great flowers , small fruite . Great wooddes , small okes . Great staues , small strokes . Great hennes , small egges . Great hose , small legges . Great studie , small arte . Great dysyre , small desarte . Great geuyng , small takyng . Great marryng , small makyng . Great shippes , small saylyng . Great losse , small auaylyng . Great markyng , small myndyng . Great seekyng , small fyndyng . Great lawyng , small louyng . Great sturryng , small mouyng . Great sowyng , small growyng . Great trowyng , small knowyng . I trowe so great yll , and so small good , In one glasse together , neuer stood .
Of driuyng and drawing . 11. If thou must be forste foorth to take iorney quicke , whether woldst thou be driuen forth , or drawne forth dicke ? I wolde be dryuen forth Iacke : for as doth appeere , Drawyng and hangyng drawe vengeable neere . I thynke it lesse yll Iacke , hauyng choyse in scope , To be dryuen with the whyp , then drawne to the rope .
Of longe sutes . 12. Sutes hange halfe a yere in Westminster hall , At Tyburne , halfe an howres hangyng endeth all .
Of lightnesse . 13. Nothyng is lighter then a feather , Kytte , Yes climme : what light thyng is that ? thy light wytte .
Of a disagreement . 14. Eche one man welnie falth out with another , And lykewyse eche thynge disagreeth with other . Namely malte and water , these two thinges are So far falne a sunder , by scornefull square , That no bruer , be he lustie or lyther , Dare cou●h malte and water , in house togyther . But chiefly sowre water now beareth suche sway , That , swete malt from brewhouse , water driuth away .
Of cheapnyng of Conies . 15. Iane thou sellst sweete conies in this pultry shoppe : But none so sweete as thy selfe , sweete conye moppe . What is the pryce of thee ? forsooth she tolde , At what pryce so euer my selfe shal be solde , Strange is the hearyng , for ware or for monye , To heare a woodcocke cheapen a conye .
Of a wyfe hauynge childe . 16. My wyfe hath a childe now at fowre score and ten . At fowre score & ten yeres ? nay freend , nay : what then ? At fowre score and ten quarters of a yere I ment . Ment ye so ? and I ment yeres . by whiche extent Your wyfe might seeme your mother : but now I smel , You may seeme your wyues father wonderfoole wel .
Of a bachiler and a mayde . 17. Is that bachiler a woer to that mayde ? The commons common so : t ys commonly sayde , Where dwelth that bachiler ? wyde a bowe of brydewel . Where dwelth that mayde ? at broken wharfe : very wel .
Of shorte payment . 18. Thy dettar wyll paie the shortly : shortly ? He wyll make that short lye , a long lye , dread I.
whence certaine thinges came first . 19. Whens come great breeches ? from little wittam . Whens come gret ruffes ? from smal brainfoorth thei cam . Whens come these round verdingales ? from square thrift Whens come deepe copped hattes ? from shallow shift . Whens come brawdred gardꝭ ? from the towne of euil . Whens come vncomde staryng heades ? from the deuil . Whens come these womens scarfs ? from folly Iohn . Whens come their glittering spangs ? from much wanton . Whens come perfumde gloues ? from Curiositee . Whens come fyne trapt moyles ? from superfluitee . Whens come cornde crooked toes ? from short shapen shoone . Whens come wilde hie lookers ? from mid somer moone . Whens come fayre painted fares ? from painters tooles . Whens come all these ? from the vicar of sainet fooles .
Of furred and lyned gownes . 20. Thicke furd gownes worne in sommer , shew bare worne threedes . Thin linde gownes worne in winter , com from S. needes .
Of a wyne drawer . 21. Drawer , thy wyne is euen with thee now I see : Thou persyste the wyne , and the wyne persith thee .
Shorte checkes betweene a man and his wife . 22. I am carefull to see thee carlesse , Iyll : I am wofull to see the wytles , Wyll . I am anguishte to see the an ape , Iyll : I am angry to see the an asse Wyll . I am frettyng to see the flie from me , Iyll : I am sory to see the seeke to me , Wyll . I am madde to see the mate thy husbande , Iyll : I am sad to see the sklaunder thy wyfe , Wyll . I am dumpyshe to see the play the drabbe , Iyll : I am knappyshe to see the plaie the knaue , Wyll .
Of a woman deckte in two coloures , 23. My honny bes , blacke & white doth set the out nette . Thy here whyte as perle , thy teeth blacke as iette .
Of vnsweete breath . 24. Thine vnsauery breath lackth salte , beale belsabubbe : It hath tane to much wynde in the poudryng tubbe . Thy breath , hodge , with salte is so sauery to smell , That no seasonyng lyckour , can season it well .
Of clyppynge and clensynge . 25. Not clyppyng your beards , why clyp you your nailes ? Not kombyng your heades , why wype you your tailes ? These beyng superfluous thyngs euery chone , Kombe , clip , or clense all : or clip or clense none .
Of a man and his wyues departynge . 26. Wife I will go abrode . wyll ye take the payne ? Beete : but when the diuell will ye come in agayne ? Makst thou me a diuell ? nay then be out of dout , The diuell will come in , when the diuels damme goth out .
An accounte of a mans children . 27. Wyfe , of ten babes betwene vs by encrease growne , Thou saist I haue but nyne . no mo of y ●our owne . Of all thynges encresyng , as my conscience lythe , The parson must needes haue the tenth for the tythe .
Of a woman of Huntington . 28. Where dwelst thou Sys ? I dwel at huntington nowe . Lyke so , for thou lookst lyke a newe hunted sowe . Where dwelst thou Sym ? at hammer smith dwell I. A meete soyle for thee ? for hammer hed is hard by .
Of a laundres . 29. A lyke laundres to the , neuer sawe I. Thy clothes washte but once a weeke commonly , Thy selfe washte once in an houre vsually . And yet eche weekes ende doth this thus trye , Thy clothes euer wette , thy selfe euer drye .
Of a cutter of purslane . 30. This herbe purslane thou cutst pretily I see : But to cut a purse in a lane , none lyke thee .
Of one standyng of his owne conceite . 31. He standeth well in his owne conceyte eche man tels . So had he neede , for he standth in no mans els .
Of one that harde without eares . 32. I see men heare , though they eares haue none . Thou doste heare me speake , thyne eares beyng gone .
Of an archers rouyng . 33. What a shotte shootes he with a rouyng arrowe ? Styll he hyttꝭ the marke , be it wyde or narrowe . Where shooteth this sharpe shooting archer most , wyll ? He shooteth most at rouers on shooters hyll .
Of perill to one by the number of three . 34. In thy hande I see , thy fortune shal be suche , That the number of three shall daunger the muche . Three bedfelowes in thy bed shall displease thee , Three lye in thy bumme breeche shall oft disease thee : Three cuppes full at once shall ofte dysguyse thee , Three bearers of thee home shall ofte dispyse thee : Three drynkes , wyne , ale , & beere , shall ouerflowe thee , Three wrestlers in one sygne shall ouerthrow thee : Three wiues in three yeres shal wondersly weare thee , Three she beares those three yeres , shal al to teare thee : But in thinges numbred by three , aboue all theese , B●●s thee three thousand times , from frame of thre treese .
Of Gloria patri . 35. Dicke , I meruaile muche , why in euery plat , Gloria patri standth before Sicut erat . Tom , Gloria patri is a gentylman : In pleasant speache , speake so sweetely no tunge can . Sicut erat is a churle so rude and plaine , That to heare him speake , all degrees do disdaine .
Of a dyar . 36. Is thy husband a diar woman ? alacke , Had he no collour to die the on but blacke ? Dieth he oft ? ye , to oft when customers call , But I wolde haue him one day , die once for all . Were he gone , diar wolde I neuer mo wed . Diars be euer diyng , but neuer ded .
Of a Jugge . 37. Pot him Iacke : pot him Iacke ? nay pot him Iugge . To pot the drunkarde , the Iugge is the dugge .
Of the three cuppes . 38. Wher s thine In Iohn ? at the three cuppes in bredstrete Ihone . At three cuppes in breadstrete ? well let bread alone . At those three cuppes when euer thou dines or suppes , Ere thou goe to bed , thou hast in all thy cuppes .
Of brasse and Jron . 39. Brasse and olde Iron who brought those two togyther ? Brasse thinketh storne to see them brought so hyther . Olde Iron is rousty and rotten to vewe , Brasse with syluer faire blauncht and polyshte newe : Otherwyse . Brasse saide to olde Iron with brasse perkyng late , Backe ye kancred karle , ye be not my mate . 〈◊〉 brasse ( quoth Iron ) plainnes is most talowe . I shewe as I am : and so doost not thou .
Of Jacke and John . 40. Iacke and Iohn in degree dyffer farre brother . Iacke dawe is one , master Iohn dawes is another .
Of wrestlinge . 41. Where we wrestled by couples , we wrestle alone : And shall , tyll tyme our shakeled breeches be gone . In steppyng and strydyng it is a wunder , How we wrestle to get our legges a sunder .
Of pryde . 42. If thou wylt nedes be proud , marke this freend mine : Of good deedes be not proude : they are not thine . But when thou plaist the knaue in yll deedes growne , Be proud of those yll deedes : they are thyne owne .
Of one hanged . 43. What faute had he done that was hangde yesterday ? Of any faute done by him I can nought say . Two or three two peny tryfles were layd to hym , But , his fayre gay hangde house , man , did vndo hym . Here is tyt for tat measure met very trym : First he hangd his house , now his house hath hangd hym .
Of a dettar . 44. Doth your mastershippe remember your dette to mee ? Remember my dette ? ye freende , I warrant thee : I remember it so , that though I say , it , I le neuer forget it , nor neuer pay it .
Of louinge of a goose . 45. A goose , greene or gray whiche louest thou better ? A greene goose : for it is farre the swetter . Loue both as thy selfe , for as proofe shewth ryfe , Thou art and hast bene a goose , all thy lyfe . Otherwyse . Thou louest a goose to much : ware surfet elfe . I neuer sawe goose yet , lyke thee , loue him selfe .
Of harpe stringes . 46. Which string in al the harpe wolost thou styll harpe on . Not the base , I wyll be none vnderlyng , Iohn . Nor the standyng tennor : for styffe standyng . Nor the treble : for feare of to hye hangyng . Nor the counter tennor : for countryng to long . Vppon what harpe string then woldst thou harpe thy song ? Aboue all stryngs , when we shall fall to harpyngs , The harp stryng to harp on , is the meane harp stryng .
Of Forrune . 47. Take thy fortune as it faith , some aduiseth : But I wolde fayne take fortune as it riseth .
Of choyse . 48. Choise is good in most things folke say , in which choise , For choise of one of two thinges , thou maist reioice : No man aliue lyke thee franke choyse can haue , To play the knauyshe foole , or the foolyshe knaue .
Of a false bragge . 49. I was neuer but an honest man . Put out that but , and thou saist truth than .
Of liyng and true sayinge . 50. Wyfe , the people are disposed all to lye : For thou art commended , vniuersallye . Nay syr : the people to tell truth , are all bolde , For you are discommended of younge and olde .
Of a dawe pate . 51. Thou arte a very dawe pate , as euer I sawe . Syr , in deede the pate is chiefe parte of a dawe : For when dawes shall appere in any coste , Of al those dawes parts , their dawe pates be moste .
Of water and wyne . 52. Thou makst curtsy to washe hands with water of mine . Makyng no curtsy to washe thy mouth with my wine . But I pray the make this change in this matter : More curtsy at my wyne , and lesse at my water .
Betwene dogges and a deere . 53. Set malles asyde : sayd a bucke to a greyhounde . Beware of pryde : sayd that dogge to that deere . Be pacient in trouble : a hounde sayd rounde , Louyng aduyse to this deere this dyd appeere . In which counsell geuen , to kyll him they run neere . Which counsell amounth to this euery man seeth , Comfort him with their tunges , kyll him with their teeth .
Of twelue and one . 54. It is twelue a clocke : syr t ys more , well ny one . Is one more then twelue ? that s a reason alone . Sir when the daie to after noone doth amounte , One is more then twelue , by our sextens accounte .
Of verdingales . 55. Alas poore verdingales must lye in the streete : To house them , no doore in the citee made meete . ●yns at our narow doores they in can not wyn , ●end them to Oxforde , at Brddegates to get in .
Preceptes of a man to his wyfe . 56. Stande styll wyfe , I wyll : Be styll wyfe , I nyll . Now barke wyfe , I wyll . To warke wyfe , I nyll . Proue me wyfe , I wyll : Loue me wyfe , I nyll . Now chat wyfe , I wyll : Leaue that wyfe , I nyll . Keepe chayre wyfe , I wyll : Speake fayre wyfe , I nyll .
Of a man expert . 57. Is he such an expert man ? an expert man ? Put out that ex , and no man more expert than .
Of deliuerance from yll . 58. Wyfe , from al euyll , when shalt thou deliuered bee ? Sir , when I ( said she ) shal be deliuered from thee .
Of cuttyng of the herbe tyme . 59. All tymes of the day to night from the pryme , Thou gardner wylte not leaue cuttyng of tyme . Thou wylt neuer leaue cuttyng of tyme , I see , Tyall suche tyme , as tyme , shall in tyme cutte of thee ,
Of one fearynge the swette . 60. Sweatyng sicknes so fearst thou beyonde the marke , That wynter or sommer thou neuer sweatst at warke .
Of one thinkinge on an other . 61. When doth your mastershyppe thinke on me ? euer . When doe you thinke vpon my matter ? neuer . Me ye remember , my matter ye forget : Remembrance and forgetfulnesse , is wrong set . For I wolde wyshe you rather , if it might bee , To remember my matter , and forget mee .
Of one beynge at a poynte . 62. Is he at a poynte with his creditors ? yee . For he is not woorth a poynte they all see .
Of Testons . 93. Testones be gone to Oxforde , god be their speede : To studie in Brasennose there to proceede .
Of redde Testons . 64. These Testons looke redde : how lyke you the same ? T ys a token of grace : they blushe for shame .
Of stampyng . 65. We stampe crabs , we stamp testons : which stamping doone , We stare vppon Testons now beyond the moone . Which stampyng of Testons brought it not some skyll , Our staryng on Testons coulde iudge them but yll . But as the whot sunne melteth snowe away , So shall whotte fyre melt colde Testons , as folke say . We , for Testyons leauyng scoldyng and squaryng . And on Testons leauyng stampyng and staryng .
Of John longe the carier . 66. Of what length is Iohn longe the caryer prat ? A quarter of a yere longe . how prouest thou that ? Thertene wekes past he shuld haue brought me a wat : But yet longe Iohn , Iohn long : with that wat comth nat . Whereby I Iohn Short , am as short to compare , As Iohn longe by this length is longe to declare . For as Iohn longe lurkth to longe this wat to fet , So I Iohn short leape to short this wat to get .
Of turninge . 67. Wilt thou vse turners craft styll ? ye by my trowth . Much thrift and most surety in turners craft growth . Halfe turne or whole turne , where turners be turning , Turnyng keepes turners from hangyng and burning .
Of master Carter . 68. Is that gentlemans name master earter ? ye . How his name and condicions differ now se . So cunnyng , so cumly , so curteise , so kynde , So gentle a gentleman in eche mans mynde : That all men are stryken in pytyfull wunder , To see master carter and the carte asunder .
Of goynge farre . 69. As he gothe farre that neuer doth turne him backe , So goste thou farre wyde : thou neuer turnst agayne . Wher thou goest , or what thou doste , come luck come lacke , Thy selfe or thy matters foorth they go amayne . To turne againe no counsayle can the restrayne . Except thy wyll shall showe thy wytte in the wane , Fynde meanes to take a house in turne agayne lane .
How money is made lame . 70. Money , with couetousnesse thou dost rest so , That lacke of vse doth lame thee : thou canst not go . With prodigalitee thou trudgest so fast , That excesse of to much exercise , doth lame the at last . These two beyng lame letts of extremitees , Where woldst thou be lotted to be from both thees ? With lyberalitee wolde I be the meane . With lyberalitee ? nay he is gone cleane .
Of an olde wooer . 71. Lady I loue you , in way you to wed : But myne age with your youth disagreeth so , That if I speake : I thinke not to be sped . Your age in your sute , is no whyt your fo , To your yeres many , had ye many mo . We wolde wed the sooner by yeeres , showyng playne , That I should the sooner be vnwed agayne .
Of a yonge wooer . 72. I brought the late an olde ryche wydowe to woo : whom thou mightst haue had , but nought woldst thou then doo : Nor nought canst thou do now : thrift and thou art od . For now lieth she speechles at mercy of god . For the mercy of god bryng me now to hir : I neuer sawe meete tyme : tyll now , to woo hir .
Of weaknesse and strength . 73. Weakenes & strength , here showst thou both in preefe , Thou art a weake man , and yet a strong theefe .
Warninge of pryde . 74. Beware of pryde , sayst thou to mee . Let pryde , say I , beware of thee . In euery place thou doost so watche him , That if pryde sturre , thou wylt sure catche him .
Of pacience . 75. Be pacient in trouble . how can that bee ? Sins out of trouble nothyng pleaseth thee .
Of pleasynge . 76. Be glad to please , yea be glad to please brother . But whom ? please thy selfe , see thou please none other .
Of a hande goonne and a hande . 77. Thou hast a good handgoonne : but what s thy hand ? When thou shootst of , out of daunger to stand , No standyng more sure in any place or plat , Then to stande close to the marke thou shootst at .
Of brasse and syluer . 78. Brasse hath beene alofte , with syluer set vp . Come downe brasse and drynke on an ashen cup.
Of difference betwene wyse men and fooles . 79. Betwene wyse men and fooles , amonge thinges many This one differth . when both sortes get things any , Whiche to their pleasures are pleasantly alloud , Of those things wun , wise men are glad , fooles be proud .
Of a pithie wytte . 80. Good god , what a pythy wyt hast thou dicke ? The pyth of thy woords so deepe and so tricke , Thy woordes so pythyly pearse to the quicke , Pyth of no woodrs agaynst thy woordes may kycke , No more then the pyth of a goonstone may prycke , Agaynst the pythy pyth of an elder stycke .
Of choise to be a wise man or a foole . 81. A wyse man or a foole : if thou must be one , Which woldst thou be in wynter , Iohn ? a foole Ihone . Where best men in wynter syt next fyre from colde , ●here standꝭ the foole warme while all his tales be tolde . Which woldst thou be in sommer , when winter is gon ? A foole . a foole , why ? that why showth herevpon . In sommer when states syt from fyre in the coole , At that boordes end in coole ayre there stands the foole . Winter and sommer what tyme men must to wurke , Which woldst thou be ? a foole to loke on and lurke . All tymes of the yere for one thynge or other , Better be a foole then a wyse man brother .
Of a knightes carterly coller . 82. I had this carter bryng my collar of golde : And he bryngth me my horse collar , holde knaue holde . Sir if I may speake my thought without fearyng , This collar of both showthe best for your wearyng .
of males and male horses . 83. Of all horse , a male horse wolde I not bee . Where he erst bare one male , now berth he three . Those are one behynde and one on eche syde , The man , who on the male horse doth ryde , Werth on eche legge , one male . for his sloppes are : Eche one sloppe one male ( kyndely to declare . ) Longe , round , wyde , weightie as a male eche one . But all horse are now male horses euerychone . For euery one horse , bearth two males at leaste . Of male horse and male men , freends herse a feaste .
A man discommended . 84. Not once a yere ought seene in the to alowe . Not once a yere thy knee to god doost thou bowe . Not once a yere openest thou thy lyppes to pray . Not once a yere showste thou goodnesse any way . Not once a yere geuste thou almes to the pore , Not once a yere doost thou repent thee therfore . But all tymes a yeere thou woldst all vnderstood , Thou neuer doost repent , but when thou doost good .
Of runnynge . 85. In pooste haste run hooreson run . art thou here yet ? Shall I run out of breath ? nay run out of thy wyt .
Of pollinge . 86. Our heads grow to long , god geue our barbers curses . Our barbers polle no heads , our barbers polle purses .
Of plate sent foorth . 87. Where is thy plate ? lent out to a mariage . Whither ? to sainct needꝭ . to whom ? to master gage .
Of a man of lowe and his wife . 88. You beyng a pleader at lawe exelente , Yet hath your wyfe brought you to an exigente . Pray hir to let fall th action at lawe now , Or els , so god helpe me , she wyll outlawe yow .
Of pennes and pence . 89. Pennes and pence , differ far in proporcion . The penny flat and round , the pen straight and long . And yet for aydes , in case of extorcion , Pennes and pence are lyke in woorkyng of wrong .
Of a womans thinne tung . 90. I neuer sawe wyfe lyke thyne for this thinge : dicke , Hir tung wondrous thin , & hir speech wondrous thicke . Tom , I haue spent much in vaine since she was yong , To haue hir thicke speeche as thinhe as hir tong . It is the tunge of tunges : dicke , for runnyng rounde : I take the tyype for syluer : by the shryll sounde . It hath , Tom , a shakyng sharpe sounde in the eare , But it is no syluer , wolde god it weare .
Of drinkyng to a man . 91. I drinke to the Iohn , nay thou drinkst from me Ihone . When thou drinkst to me , drinke for me thou leuest none .
Of runninge at Tylte . 92. We apply the spygot , tyll tubbe stande a tylte . Ye , ren at the spygot tylt , leaue the speare tilte thou wylte .
Of expence . 93. What may he spend ? ten pound a yere he might spende . Is t morgagde ? nay : no man wyll one peny lende Vpon it . ist solde ? nay , no man wyll bye it . Then he holdth it : nay , he can not come nye it . Why foole ? how may he spend ten pound by yere than ? I said not he may , but he might spende it man . Meanyng he might spend it , if he had it . O , if he had it : a syr the diuell mad it .
Of fraying of babes . 94. When do mothers fray their babes most from duggs . When they put on blacke scarfs , & go lyke beare buggs .
of reedes and okes . 95. Wyl you reedes at the winds wyl stil make lowe beckꝭ ? wil you okes stand stiffe stil while wind breke your neckꝭ ? Wil you reedes , like apes , stil tucke & bowe eche ioynt ? Wyll you okes , like asses , stil stiffe at one poynt ? Wyll you reedes be styll bendyng bowyng bodies ? Wyll you okes be still stoute stiffe necked nod●es ? Wyl you reedes be staggeryng still for vayne auailes ? Wil you okes be stern stil til your tops kisse your tailes ? Wyll you reedes shrinke still to all wyndes towardly ? Wyl you okes swell still at all wyndes frowardly ? Wil you reedes crouch stil to be the winds footestooles ? Wil you okes crake still to be the winds hed fooles ? Okes will dooe as we haue done . so will we reedes . Wherin for our purpose marke what ende proceedes . In eche one storme a thousand okes downe are blowne , In a thousand stormes not one reede ouerthrowne .
Of biyng a morter . 96. That spyce mortar to sell it be you wyllyng ? Yea mistres : what s the pryce ? ten shyllyng . Ten shyllyng ? freende : I am hyther entysed To bye a spyce morter , not a morter spysed .
Of a stepmother . 97. Thy fathers second wyfe , thy steppe mother , For a steppe mother ther s not such an other . At three steppes I saw hir steppe , syns she was wed , From a stayre foote , straight vp to thy fathers hed .
Of a lyar . 98. Where doth Frances fabler now lye , Iane ? At sygne of the whetstone in double tunge lane . He lyeth by night : and by day dayly hee Lyeth downe right , in what place so euer he bee . That he lieth still day and night , this thing doth trye , He neuer speketh woorde but it is a lye ,
Of tunges and pynsons . 99. One difference this is , on which our tunges may carpe , Betwene pinching pynsons , & tauntyng tunges sharpe . Where these two nyppers nyp any whyere or when , Those pinsons nyp dead things , those tunges nyp quick men .
Of Heywood . 100. Art thou Heywood with the mad mery wyt ? Ye forsooth maister , that same is euen hyt . Art thou Heywood that applieth myrth more than thrift ? Ye syr , I take mery myrth a golden gyft . Art thou Heywood that hath made many mad plaies ? Ye many playes , fewe good woorkes in all my dayes . Art thou Heywood that hath made men mery long ? Ye : and wyll , if I be made mery among . Art thou Heywood that wolde be made mery now ? Ye syr : helpe me to it now I beseche yow . FINIS .

IMPRINTED AT London in Fleetestrete in the house late Thomas Berthelettes .

Cum priuilegio ad imprimendum solum .