A banquet of ieasts. Or Change of cheare Being a collection of moderne jests. Witty ieeres. Pleasant taunts. Merry tales.

Change of Cheare , OR A Banquet of Iests .

1. Of a Country-man and a Constable .

A Simple Country-man hauing terme busines in London , and being somewhat late abroad in the night , was staid by a Constable , and somewhat harshly entreated , the poore man obseruing how imperiously he commanded him , demanded of him what hee was : to whom he replyed , I am the Constable , and this is my Watch. And I pray you sir , for whom watch you ? ( saith the man ) marry answered the Constable , I watch for the King ; for the King replyes he againe simply ? then I beseech you Sr. that I may passe quietly and peaceably by you to my Lodging , for I can bring you a certificate from some of my neighbours who are now in towne , that I am no such man .

2. A casheird Captaine .

A Captaine in the Low-countries being Casheird and his company conferred vpon another , hee grew more priuate and Melancholy , and not long after being met by the others Leiftenant , was kindly saluted , and after other complements , demanded why hee was of late so strange , to absent himselfe so long from his Captaine ; who much desired to see him : who answered I pray you commend me to your Captaine , and tell him he had my pany too late .

3. Of a Iustice of Peace , and a Horse-stealer .

A Horse-stealer was brought to bee examined before a Iustice , who finding the fellony to be most apparent , Well friend saith hee ; if thou beest not hangd for this fact , I le bee hangd for thee . I humbly thank your Worship ; replyed the theefe , and when the time comes , I desire you , that you will not be out of the way .

4 The Principall of an House .

A Pleasant fellow came vnto the Principall of a house , and pretending that hee had receiued some iniury by some of the Societie , complained vnto him in this manner : Sir , said hee , I have beene abused by a company of Rascals , belonging to this House , and knowing you to bee Principall , I thought good to acquaint you with the businesse , and so proceeded , &c.

5. A Gentleman arrested .

A Gentleman being arrested and brought before a Country Maior , who was by Profession a Tanner , being somewhat roughly hanled by the Sergeants , and espying an Oxe hide in the place where they stayd him till the Maior was ready to come forth , My freinds , quoth hee , what neede you trouble your selues so much about me , when me thinkes you had more neede , and it would better become you , to brush your Masters Gowne that lyes on the ground .

6. A Batchelours answer touching Mariage .

A Lady obseruing a Gentleman that was a Batchelour , much giuen to Melancholy , said vnto him , truely Sir , I am of opinion , that you will neuer be truly merry till you bee maried : to whom hee answered : In troth Madam I am of opinion that I shall neuer laugh till my heart ake , till then .

7. A Counsellor , and his client .

ONe making a long and tedious speech to a graue Counseliour , in the conclusion thereof made an Apology to excuse himselfe for being so troublesome , who gaue him this answer , I le assure you sir , you haue not beene troublesome to me at all , for all the time that you were speaking , my minde was of another matter .

8. Of an Oatemeale-man .

AN Oatemeale-man a rich fellow fell at some difference with a Comedian about the towne , and began to vpbraid him with his profession , and according to the small talent of wit hee had , came hotly vpon him with the common obiection , if , saith he , all men were of my mind , you should keepe your doores shut , and find your galleries empty , and then you would bee more poore , and lesse proud . I beleeue it , replied the other , so if euery man would , as I could find in my heart to doe , that is , to forsweare the eating of Puddings , and Pottage , who would be more poore , and lesse proud then the Oatemeale man .

9. A Gentleman and a Barber .

A Barber comming finnically about a Gentleman , was ( as the most of them are ) terribly full of talke , at length hee found the leisure to aske how hee would bee trimmed . Marry my friend replyed the gentleman , if thou canst possibly , doe it in silence .

10. A wager of eating .

TWo Captaines , the one an English man , the other a Dutch man , hauing both good stomacks , laid a wager which of them at one set dinner should eate most . Earnest was giuen , and they drew lots which should bespeake their Prouant ; it fell to the Dutch man , who presently went downe into the Kitching , and bespoke of the Hostesse of the ordinary a fat Capon and a dozen of Larkes , and so came vp againe to his company : Presently the English Captaine went downe to enquire what hee had spoke for . The Hostesse told him , A Capon & a dozen of Larkes . How ? saith hee . I say , hostesse , send into the Market and buy for vs a dozen of Capons , and a Larke . Of which the Dutchman hearing , grew presently to composition , and recanted the bargaine .

11. Two Wolshmen in a robbery .

TWo Welshmen were in a Robbery , and both taken : the one being knowne to bee an old theefe , had his iudgement to bee hanged , and was so . The other , because it was his first fault , found the more fauour , and had his sentence to bee whipt at a Carts-taile , and so let go . Who after , comming into his country and being demanded what was become of his friend and Country-man , hee told them for a truth that hee was marryed : but some not beleeuing it , and further pressing him to know when and to whom : hee answered he could resolue them no further then this , that hee was certainly marryed ; by the same token , before a great many Spectators , hee was forced to dance at his wedding

12. Geneva print .

A Collection being made for the distressed Ministers of Geneva a Gentleman , which ( it seemes ) was not much affected towards them , being prest by the Collector something hard for his charitie , he absolutely told him hee would giue him nothing . But the other , not so satisfied , would needs know his reason : The Gentleman after some pause , answered him , If you will needes know my reason , it is because I finde nothing more preiudiciall to my eye-sight then the reading of their Geneva print .

13. A Papist and a Puritane .

A Papist & a Puritane being next neighbours , and travelling by the high-way where stood a woodden Crosse : the papist put off his hat , and so passed by : At which his neighbour onely smiled to himselfe and said nothing . But walking further , and passing by a tree that stood in the way , and not seeing him move to that , Neighbour ( saith he ) I pray you in courtesie will you resolue mee a question . With all my heart replyed the other , so that if occasion be offered , you le doe mee the like : both are agreed , now then neighbour saith the Puritane . I would know why you did not the like reuerence vnto the tree : that you did vnto the Crosse , being both one wood : the reason of this ( saith the other ) you shall soone know , but one thing first I must know of you : I called vpon you in the morning , and I obserued you in taking leaue of your wife , why did you kisse her lips and not her taile seeing they are both made of one flesh .

14. A young Heire .

A Young heire not yet come to age , but desirous to bee suited with other gallants , and to bee furnisht with money and commodities to the purpose : the creditor demanded his bond , hee granted it conditionally , that his Father should not know of it , therefore wisht it to bee done very priuately . Vpon this promise all things were concluded : and the time came when he should seale it . But when hee beganne to read in the beginning of the bond , Nouerint vniuersi . Be it knowne vnto all men , he cast away the bond & absolutely refused to seale it saying : If it be knowne vnto all men , how can it possibly bee but it must come to my Fathers care .

15. Of a Gentleman comming to Court .

A Gentleman comming out of the Country , and hauing one Mr. Wiseman to his Kinsman who liued in the Court , and belonged to the King , came bluntly to the Guard-Chamber , and speaking to him that kept the doore : I pray you sir tell me ( faith he ) is not there one Wiseman among you ? who answered , No indeed sir , you had best inquire of the Queenes side .

16. Of a Freese Ierkin .

AN honest good fellow hauing worne a thredbare Ierkin for the space of two yeares & an halfe : as soone as hee had compast another suite , for the good seruice it had done him , made of it this Epitaph .

Here lie in peace thou patient ouercommer . Of two cold winters , and one Scortching Summer .

17. A Poore man arraigned .

A Poore simple man arraigned at the Sessions for his life , and being conuicted , the Iudges , much commiserating him in regard of his simplicity , purposed to doe him what fauour they could , and offered him his booke : which he hearing , cast himselfe vpon his knees beseeching them to doe him any fauour else sauing that , for hee protested vnto them , that he could read no more then the Pope of Rome .

18. Two old Captaines .

TWo ancient Captaines looking vpon the rich hangings of Eighty Eight , obseruing in the border thereof , the faces of all the prime Commanders , and Gentlemen of note that had beene in the seruice , Well , saith the one to the other , if euery one had his right , my face might haue had the honor , to haue bin placed before some that I see : for I am sure I was ingaged in the hottedst incounter . To whom the other replyed , content thy selfe Captaine , t is well knowne thou art an old souldier , and reserued for another hanging .

19. A great Eater .

A Gentleman riding downe into the Low country , was askt by his freind , what was the best newes at London , who answered them he had by reason of suddaine , and vnexpected comming downe not listned after any : onely wot you what ( saith he ) It is reported that such a man , naming the great Gormandizer , hath lost his stomacke to whom the other replyed : If a poore man haue found it he is directly vndone .

20. A Gentlewoman and a Iustice .

A Gentlewoman suspected to be a Romish-Catholike ; being brought before a busie Iustice in the country , he would not accept of her oath , vnlesse she would publikely call the Pope knaue : to whom shee answered , Sr , if it please your worship , it were great folly and indiscretion in me , to call any man knaue whom I neuer either saw , or knew , but I protest sir , ( saith she ) If I had seene him so often , or knowne him so well as I doe your good worship , I think I might , and with a safe conscience too , call him knaue , and knaue againe , and with this answere I pray you rest satisfied .

21. A Nobleman in his Gallery .

A Priuate Gentleman being admitted to walke with a nobleman in his gallery being full of curious pictures , hee commended them exceedingly , as some of those peices to bee the best that hee had seene : Say you so saith the nobleman , then out of all these , chuse that which best pleaseth you , and it is your own : the Gentleman espying a faire table in which the ten commandements were curiously drawne in golden Letters : Please you my Lord , saith hee , of all that I haue viewed , this like I best ; and challenge by your promise . To whom the Lord replyes . That onely I had forgot to except , chuse else where you will , and it is at your free dispose , but these I will neuer depart from . Why my Lord , saith the Gentleman , haue you vowed these ten Commandements shall neuer goe from you . Indeed saith he I haue , and haue vowed it by mine honour ; Wel replyed the Gentleman , your Lordship may speake your pleasure , but I will assure you and take my word , with all the care you haue , you shall neuer keepe them .

22. One trauelling to Rome .

A Gentleman of England trauelling with his man to Rome desirous to see all fashions , but especially such rarities as were there to bee seene , was by the mediation of some friends there resident , admitted into the Popes presence : to whom his holinesse offered his foote to kisse ; which the Gentleman did with great submission , and reuerence : this his man seeing , and not before acquanted with the like ceremony , presently makes what speed he can to get out of the presence : which some of the wayters espying , and suspecting his hast , stayd him , and demanded the cause of his so suddaine speed : but the more they importune him , the more he prest to be gone : but being further vrged , he made this short answer , truely saith he , this is the cause of my feare , that if they compell my master , being a Gentleman to kisse the Popes foote ; I feare what part they will make me kisse being but his seruing man .

23. A Scholler on horse-backe .

A Scholler an vnskilful rider being to passe throgh a riuer , offred to water his horse before hee rid him in so deepe as to the foote-locke , his friend that was with him , fearing he would founder him , cald vpon him to ride in depeer , the other not well vnderstanding his meaning , sayd to his friend , first stay till hee hath drunke off all this , and then I will ride him in farther where hee may haue his belly full .

24. A Gentleman , and a Citizen .

A Gentleman & a Citizen walking together , iust before them went two Aldermen , saith the Gentleman to the other , there goes a Cuckold , at which the Citizen his supposed friend takes exceptions , and tells the others what was spoke , they make a complaint , and bearing him before the Maior , the parties appeare , witnesse is called ; the words iustified , the Gentleman hee pleades a mistake , for saith he , I said not by these two wòrthy Citizens there goes a Cuckold : but the words that I spake were , there goes a couple , I , was it so saith the Maior , if it were no otherwise , the matter is answered , and I here discharge you the Court.

25. A Clarke of a Church .

THe Clarke of the Church , hauing receiued some discontentment of his Parish , grew sullen vppon it , and when Sunday came , and that hee was to giue out a Psalme : he sate still in his seat , & would not so much as open his lips , but being often called vpon , and seeing there was no remedie , lookt somewhat doggedly vpon the matter : sing you may if you please the Psalm of Quicunque Vult , whosoeuer will , and for his owne part , as soone as hee had giuen it out ; went out of the Church .

26. A Cheese-monger .

A Puritane comming to his neighbour , a Cheese-monger ; to buy a Gossips or groaning Cheese because his wife was ready to lye downe , the master of the shop offerd him a taste of that which he seemes best to like : who as he put it to his mouth , so he put his hat to his eyes , and began a long grace , which the Cheese-monger seeing , nay saith he , since you meane in stead of a tast to make a meale out of my cheese , I assure you , you shall buy none here ; for I cannot afford it after that waight and measure .

27. Of a Doctors man .

AN old Doctor lying on his deathbed , willing to leaue something to a poore simple seruant who had serued him long , to doe him some good after his decease , wild him to professe Physicke and hee would leaue vnto him certaine prescriptions , both to benefit his knowledge and estate , amongst others this was the maine , that still when hee came to visit any patient , he should looke curiously about the roomes , what bones he saw scattered either about the Table or the beds side : if he found any of fish , then he should tell him hee tooke a surfeit of such a kinde of fish , as hee might guesse it to bee by the bones ; and so likewise of Beefe , Veale , Mutton , Capon , and Rabbit , &c. and to iudge by the fragments , and reuersions which were more certaine , then to presume vpon the disease by the sicke mans water , in which he knew he was altogether vnpractised , and vnskilfull : In processe it so fell out , that being sent for to one that was sick of an Impostume , and the roome being so cleane swept , that he could find no apparent signe in the floore , by which hee might coniecture of any certain disease , prying at length very curiously , beneath his bed hee spide and found a Saddle lie : vpon which , he came vnto his sicke Patient , and seriously told him that hee had now searcht into the nature of his disease , for by feeling of his pulse he might well perceiue hee had taken a great surfet by eating of a horse ; at which the Patient fell into such an extreame laughter that his Impostume broke , by which he was suddenly cured , and the fellow grew thereby more famous .

28. A Boy that cryed fire .

AN vnhappy boy lying in the streets in a cold winter night , cryde fire , fire : the people lookt out of their Windowes , & cryde where , where ? marry quoth the Boy I would I knew my selfe , for I would gladly warme mee .

29. A Countrey fellowes courtesie .

A Countrey fellow meeting with his friend told him he had beene at London , and seen my Lord Maior ; I but said his friend , did he take any notice of thee ? no faith , said he , no great notice , onely I put off my hat to him , and he did his duty to me .

30. One with a great Nose .

A Gentleman with an extraordinary great Nose , walking along Cheapside an vnhappy Prentise Boy meeting him makes a sudden stand , at which the Gentleman musing , made a stand likewise , and asked him why hee did not keepe his way ? to whom the Lad answered , Sir I would gladly passe by you , but I cannot for your Nose ; the Gentleman loath to bee too much obserued , or to be the occasion of any tumult in the street , with one of his fingers put his Nose on the one side , and said ; now youth you may freely passe , the way lies plaine before you .

31. One that eate of a Beare .

A Woman hauing eaten of the right side of a Beare , which some say makes good Venison , tooke a conceit , that she had an exceeding great rumbling and rowling in her belly , and for remedy sends to aske advise of the Doctour , who perswaded her to knock a Mastiffe Dog in the head , and eat so much of him , and so no doubt but the flesh of him would worry the Beare in her belly .

32. An English man at a French Ordinarie .

AN English man being in France , and at a French Ordinary , amongst other dishes there were Woodcocks at the Table ; the English gentleman somewhat before the time tooke one of the Woodcocks heads , and pickt it ; which one of the Monsters obseruing , and thinking with his wit to play vpon him ; I haue ( saith he ) euer noted these English men , that wheresoeuer Woodcocks are serued in , their fingers will be euer first in the dish , the rest laught at the iest , and hee for the present made no reply : but when the Table began to withdraw and euery man was silent , the Englishman fell into a great laughter , and being demanded the reason of it : troth ( said he ) at a wondrous good iest was made this night at Supper , which I protest hath so taken me , that I shall neuer hereafter see a Woodcock , but I shall either thinke of that Monsier , or some of his Countreymen .

33. Of a Seruingman .

A Seruingman bringing a brace of Greyhounds from his Master to a Knight a friend of his , and a neere neghbour ; the Knight asked him whether they were good Dogs or no ? good Dogs ( saith the fellow ) I will assure you for this , pointing to the one of them , he is the best Dog that euer ran with foure Legs vpon the earth , and see you this other , hee is three times better then he .

34. Of a Iustice and his man .

AN old Iustice of Peace and his Seruingman riding with other company vpon the way , the day being somthing windy , a Crow sitting vpon a weake and tender bough , which at euery small gust moued this way and that , and cryed as they rode by Ka , Ka , Ka : harke , saith the Iustice to his man , what the Crow saith to thee , shee would ( if shee could ) say Knave , Knaue : nay , not to me saith the fellow sure shee meanes to some man of worship in this company , you may well perceiue by her many low becks and congees .

35. A Cheater and a Tapster .

A Fellow that was exceeding drie , and had no money , came to a Taphouse , and cals for a Can of Beere , and drinks it off ; which done , he asked the Tapster if hee had any bread , yes sir , saith hee , you may have a whole dozen if you please , no ( saith hee ) halfe a dozen will serve , and bring it in ; the Tapster did so , and set them before him : now ( saith he ) because I will giue thee a good account , bring me another Canne of Beare , which was no sooner done but hee dranke it off , and withall gaue him two penny Loaues , then call'd for the third , then for the fourth , till he had made it vp a full halfe dozen , and still for euery Canne giues him a Loase ; then asked him what was to pay . Sixe pence saith the Tapster . For what saith the fellow ? For Beare saith the Tapster . Why , hadst thou not bread for thy Beare , answered the other ? Why then for bread , saith the Tapster . Hadst thou not thy bread againe said the fellow ? how can that bee ? So whilst the Tapster was studying to reconcile this intricate reckoning , hee stept out of doores , and paid nothing .

36. A man on the Gallowes .

ONe passing by , and seeing a poore fellow in a very cold morning vpon the Gallowes in his shire , and after a short confession ready to be turned off the Ladder : Alas poore man ( saith he ) I must pitty him , he will stand so long yonder in the cold , that I am affraid hee will goe neere to catch his death .

37. Two by the eares .

A Man and a woman being together by the eares in the street , and a great throng about them ; a Citizens wife passing that way by chance , demands of a Gentleman that came from the tumult , what the occasion of that vproare might be ? to whom he answered , you are a whore . How said she ? thou art an arrant Knaue to call me whore , I am as honest as the skinne betwixt thy brows : he presently very courteously put off his Hat , and said , Truely faire Gentlewoman , this was the occasion of their quarrell .

38. A drunkard and his wife .

A Woman had a husband that vsed to come home often disguised , and sometimes to lye along in the floore , and still when she offered to raise him from the ground , he would not be remoued , but answered , the tenement is mine owne , I pay rent for it , and I may lye where I list : Some few nights after , comming home in the like taking , he sate downe in a Chaire before the fire , and fell asleep : the woman would haue waked him , but could not , and therefore went vp to bed ; in which shee was scarce warme , but the maid cryed out aloud , Mistris , Mistris , my Master is falne out of the Chaire , and lyes in midst of the fire : which she hearing , lay still , and answered , Let him alone , for as long as he payes rent for the house , he may lye where he will .

39. A Theefe and a Gentleman .

A Theefe in the night hauing purposed to rob a Gentlemans chamber which was three Stories high , had conueyed a ladder vp to his window , and being at the top of it , and ready to make his entrance , it happened the Gentleman at the same time was awake , and heard him , and iust as he was about to open the Casement , hee met him at the window , and said , My friend , it is your best course to stay till an houre or two hence , for I am not yet asleepe ; which the Theefe hearing , what with hast , and feare , tumbled downe from the top of the Ladder , and without the helpe of a halter had almost broke his necke .

40. A rich mans Hospitall .

A Gentleman comming by where a rich man was laying the foundation of an hospitall , whispered to his friend , and said , I much commend this man aboue many others that I know , for hee doth well to prouide for beggars now , knowing he is so neere his death , that by oppression hath made so many in his life .

41. To chuse a wife .

ONe being disswaded from marrying a woman , because she was no wiser , made this answere , I desire that the wise whom I am to marry should haue no more wit then to bee able to distinguish her husbands bed from another mans .

42. Of a Horse , and a Pecke of Oysters .

A Gentleman hauing rid hard in a went morning , and comming into his Inne dropping drie , and because his money fell short , loath to be at the charge of faggots , giuing his horse to the Ostler , he comes into the Hall where was a great fire , but set so round , that he could not get so much as shoulder roome , for the weather being wet and cold no man would giue him place : he hauing spyed Oysters at the Inne gate , called in great hast to the Ostler to give his horse instantly a Pecke of Oysters , for his purpose is to ride away before dinner : the Ostler was amazed , the rest wondered , but hee would not rest till hee saw them measured , and cast before his horse into the Manger : strange it was to them all to heare of a Horse that would eate Oysters , and to behold the nouelty all of them presently left the fire , and ran instantly into the stable , and in the interim he warmes , and dries himselfe throughly from top to Toe at his pleasure , they gaping like fooles till he had what hee desired , came backe againe , and told him his would not touch an Oyster : no , saith he , will not the sullen lade fall too , is not his stomacke yet come to him ? well Ostler take away his Oysters , and giue him so many Oates , and bring that he scornes to eate hither to mee , and see what I can doe with them : which was done accordingly ; by that time the Horse had made an end of his Oates , hee had done his Oysters , the weather grew faire , and he well dryed , rode on his iourney .

43. A famous Theefe .

A Famous Theefe frequenting one of our Cities , where the Gates were continually shut a nights , and not willing to lye in the Suburbs for feare of search or suspition , acquainted himself with one of the Porters of one of the Gates , and fed him with money , that still when he had beene abroad about any exploit , that he should be ready to let him in at what houre soeuer , and this he vsed a long time , till at length being taken , arraigned and conuicted for many robberies , and great euidences came against him : the next day he was brought to the Gallowes , where the Sheriffs perswading him still to confesse more , and more ; at length he desired that they would send for this Porter , which was done accordingly : The poore man came quaking , and trembling , and the people were in great expectation of some strange thing to be reuealed , all thirsting after nouelty . By this time the Theefe vpon the ladder spies him , and cals him to him ; the poor Porter in a pitiful fear asks why he sent for him , and what he had to say to him ? To whom the Theefe replyed ; Troth honest Porter I onely sent for thee to tell thee , that if I come not in by this and twelue a Clocke at night , doe not tarry vp for me , but goe to bed a Gods name , and saying no more , leapt off the Ladder , and with this iest in his mouth was hanged in earnest .

44. A young Master of Arts.

A Young Master of Art the very next day after the Commencement , hauing his course to common place in the Chappell , where were diuers that the day before had took their degree , tooke his Text out of the eigth Chapter of Iob ; the words were these , we are but of yesterday , and know nothing . This text , saith he , doth fitly diuide it selfe into two branches , our standing , and our vnderstanding , our standing in these words , wee are but of yesterday , our vnderstanding , we know nothing .

45. A simple Country-man .

A Simple fellow at an Easter time , comming to receiue the Communion , the Preacher hauing demanded of him diuerse easie questions , and finding him ignorant in all , at length askt him how many Commandements there were : hee answered hee could not tell . The Parson wondring at his sottish ignorance , askt him how many hee thought there were . Marry I thinke saith he , there may be some foure or fiue . Yes saith the Parson there are more . Why then replyde he there may be seven or eight ; but if you know better , then you had best tell me . Why then quoth hee , I will . There are iust ten . At which he laughed , and said , Nay I thought so and looked for no lesse , for sure I was , that you being the Parson , would bring them to ten , because you would keepe the tythe .

46. A Courtier .

ONe of our Scarlet Courtiers comming on a time prancing on a great horse , and alighting at the Court gate , calls to one that stood by , and saith to him , I prethee honest fellow , whilest I walke into the Court , doe so much as hold my horse . The man seem'd afraid of the beast , and asked him withall , if hee was not unruly , and that one man might hold him , he answered yes , very easily . Nay then saith hee , if it be but one mans worke , I would wish you to doe it your selfe , for I haue more businesse in hand , then walking of horses .

47. Two Schollers .

TWo Schollers of one Colledge in the Vniversitie , the one called Paine , the other Culpepper , were both in fault , but Paine in the lesse , the other in the greater : but when the fault came to bee censured , the fault was not lesse then expelling the Colledge : but Culpepper the greater delinquent yet finding more friends , had his sentence tooke off , and liberty to remaine still in the house , but the other suffered for example : A Master of Art of another house comming to visit a friend of his that was of the Colledge where this was done , amongst other discourse , askt what became of the businesse betweene the two Schollers , hee told him in briefe , how Paine that was in the least fault was punisht , and Culpepper in the greater pardoned , who instantly replyed , Nay then I thinke Ovid did Prophecie of this when hee said ,

Paena perire potest , culpa perennis erit .

48. Gentlemen at a Taverne .

TWo or three Gentlemen meeting at a Taverne about some businesse , and walking up into a roome two paire of stayres high , called for a pint of Wine , which being drunke off , and they often knocking and calling , but none either answering , or comming up , one of the Gentlemen threw down the pint pot , when instantly a drawer comes up with a quart , and so left them ; they following their discourse , and drinking to the good successe of the bargaine they were then concluding of : the quart pot was likewise soone emptied , they knocke againe , and call , none answering , downe goes the quart pot , and in a trice comes vp a pottle , which after some respite being likewise dispatcht , and they ready to call for a reckoning , and so to bee gone , as vnwilling to enter into further charges ; they call aloud , but none would answer , then beat they the pottle pot against the table but none yet answered , at length they thundred with such violence , that vp comes one of the drawers , whom a Gentleman being angry at such slacke attendance , meets him at the toppe of the staires , and casts him headlong downe to the bottome . At which all the rest of his fellowes , with the Master of the house , beganne to muster vp their selues , and comming vp into the Gentlemens roome , he demanding the reason of that violence done to his servant , one of the Gentlemen answered thus , Mine Host , we have no way willingly transgrest the customes of your house , for we observed that calling for one pint of wine , and casting downe the pot you brought vp two ; then casting downe the quart pot , you presented vs with a pottle : now sitting here alone , and no man regarding vs to bring vs vp a reckoning , wee flung one Drawer downe the staires , to no other purpose , but in hope to haue two at the least to attend vs .

49. A Chronologer .

ONe of our late Chronologers that succeeded old Mr Iohn Stow , and others , in his briefe Chronicle speaking of George Duke of Clarence , saith , he was drowned in a Rundlet of Malmesey , and being taxt by a Gentleman that he had mainly falsifyed the History , in regard that Hollingshed , Speed , and others haue delivered to the world that hee was drowned in a whole Butt , to which hee answered , that hee had no way erred from the truth , for if these that writ great and large Histories , call it a Butt , he might ( and no way improperly ) in his small Epitome of Chronicle , cal it a Rundlet .

5 The Mariage of the Arts.

THe Play called The Mariage of the Arts being presented before King Iames at Woodstocke , he in regard that it was somewhat tedious , and himselfe weary with so long sitting , offered twice or thrice to goe away , which being obserued by an ingenious Scholler of the other Vniuersity , hee writ these verses :

When Christ-Church showd their mariage to the King , Lest that their match should want an offering , The King himselfe did offer : what I pray ? He offered twice or thrice to goe away .

51. Of a Scholler maried .

A Scholler having married a yong wife , and being still at his booke , preferring his serious study before dalliance with her , as she was one day wantoning whilest he was reading : Sir saith shee , I could wish my selfe that I had been made a booke , for then you would bee still peering vpon mee , and I should never night nor day bee out of your fingers : so would I sweet heart , answered he , so I might chuse what booke , to whom she againe answered , and what booke would you wish mee to bee , marry sweet wife saith he , an Almanacke , for so I might haue euery yeer a new one .

52. An Epitaph .

THe Lord chiefe Iustice Femming that succeeded Iudge Poppans in his place , being both a learned and mercifull Gentleman , being deceased , a pleasant fellow writ of him this Epitaph :

Iustice is dead , that was of Iustice chiefe , Who neuer yet hang'd true man for a theefe : Nor ever was condemned for condemning , Being borne in England , yet he dide a Flemming .

53. Of an extraordinary nose .

A Pleasant fellow meeting a man in the street with an extraordinarie red nose , lookes very earnestly in his face , as if he had espied something there which hee wondred at , the man askt what it was at which he so gazed , to which hee answered , friend , I haue reuiewed you thus earnestly , and for ought I can perceiue , me thinkes your eyes are not matches , no saith he , I pray show a reason why they are not , marry saith he , because most certainly if they had beene matches , your nose by this time would haue set them on fire .

54. Two Innekeepers .

AN Inkeeper of Saffron Walden vsing euery Term constantly to one Inne in London , the two Hosts grew into a great league of loue & friendship together , but euer and anon when hee of London was about his businesse , or out of the way , mine Host of Walden was importunate with his wife to make him a Cuckold : which the modest woman at her best opportunity told to her husband what a false friend hee was to him , for which he vows reuenge , and taking no notice at all what was past : The time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Countrey ; great healths , and much protestation of loue there was at their parting : But this iniury still sticks in mine host of Londons stomacke . A toy takes him in the head in the long vacation , he takes his horse , & rides purposely to see his old friend of Walden ; and comming neare the Towne , he spurres somewhat hard , alights in the Inne yard , his horse being all of a sweat , he cals for an Oftler to walke him vp and downe ; he was no sooner dismounted but he was espyed by his old friend and familiar acquaintance , who runnes to him , embraces him , and cals out his wife to bid him welcome : the woman appeares ; This is mine host ( saith he ) of London , which vseth me with kindnesse and respect , to whom I am so much bound , and whose health I haue drunke , and thou hast pledg'd so often ; now I pray thee Ioane with a kisse bid him welcome into the Countrey . The woman in great curtesie offers him her lips , whom he scornfully puts by : and I pray you good woman are you wife to this man ? yes , said shee , for default of a better : but I intreat you foole not me saith hee , I came to visit this my friend in kindnesse , and not to be derided . Derided saith she , why speake you that , I am shee that hath laid by his side this twenty yeares : I that she hath I can assure you , quoth mine host of Walden : But will you tell me that , quoth mine host of London , of certainty I know this not to bee the woman you were wont to bring to my house to lodge , and lay with her Tearme by Tearme , I hope I know her if I see her againe : nay mine host saith he , if you bee such a kinde of fellow , here is no staying for mee ; at which words while the other stood halfe amazed , hee leapes vp into the saddle , and without mere pause spurres back as fast as hee can , to London . Mine host of Walden cals after him , but in vaine : the woman railes , he would excuse it , but cannot be heard : drunkard , and whoremaster are the best shee can afford him : the house is all in an vproare ; nor could the man and wife euer be reconciled , notwithstanding all his vowes , and oathes , with the mediation of neighbours and friends , till mine host of London , thinking himselfe partly reuenged , sent vnder his hand and seale , that it was but a meere trick put vpon him in requitall of a former iniury .

55. Two old Widowes .

TWo old widowes sitting ouer a Cup of Ale in a Winters night , entred into discourse of their dead husbands , & after the ripping vp of their good , and bad qualities , saith one of them to her maid , I prethee wench reach vs another light , for my husband , ( God rest his soule ) aboue all things lou'd to see good lights about the house , God grant him light euerlasting : and I pray you neighbour ( saith the other ) let the maid lay on some more Coles , or stirre vp the fire , for my husband in his life time euer lou'd to see a good fire , God grant him fire euerlasting .

56. A Horse-stealer .

A Fellow for stealing of a horse was apprehended , arraigned , conuicted , and executed : the question being made , why this man was hanged , it was answered for stealing a horse , Nay saith the other , I will assure you no such matter , hee was hanged for being taken , for had he stolne an hundred and neuer beene taken , he might haue beene aliue at this day .

57. A Baker .

ONe being called in question before a Iustice for giuing a Baker ill language : now , saith the Iustice , my friend , what say you to this complaint ? Truely sir said hee , the worst words that euer I gaue him , was that I held him to bee as honest a man as euer liued by bread .

58. A Coachman .

A Mad fellow , a Coachman about the Towne being drunk , fell from the seat where he sare , and the wheels running ouer him , brake one of his legs , the anguish of which droue him into a Feuer : but being well recouered of them both , hee had an humour to goe and proue all the prime Doctors of the Towne , and try whether by his water they could tell his profession , or his misfortune , or the disease that before had troubled him : he being then in perfect health , his water was carried to many , and all that saw it , concluded , that hee that sent it was a sound man , but could proceed no further ; therefore his opinion was , that all Physitians were fooles , and not one learned man amongst them . This being told an ancient graue Doctor that practised about the Citie by one of the Coachmans acquaintance , by whom he had vnderstood euery particular before related : he wrought with him to perswade the Coachman to bring his water to him , which tooke effect : But in their iourney towards the Doctor , they drinking somewhat hard , the Coachman carrying his vrinall empty , pist it full , which his friend seeing , fie , saith hee , carry not all this water along for shame , poure out halfe at least , otherwise he will perceiue we haue beene drinking ; the Coachman was perswaded , and did so . On they went , and whilst the Coachman staid below , his friend went vp to see if the Doctor were at leasure , and told him all that past by the way : This done , the Patient is call'd vp , who presents his Vrinal to the Doctor , with many a low congee outwardly , though scoffing inwardly . The Doctor he turnes , and tosses the glasse , sometimes chafing it against the fire , then againe holds it vp to the light : at last he breakes into these words , I perceiue by this water , that hee that made it was a Carter , or Carman . Truly ( saith he ) if it please your Worship , you come the nearest of all the Doctors I haue tryed yet , and yet you are wide from the marke . Wilt thou tell mee that saith the Doctor , sure I am he is one that gets his liuing by the whip . Therein you are right again answered the other : for to tell you true he was a Coachman . Very good saith the Doctor : now this Carter being drunke , fell from his Cart , and the wheele ran ouer him and brake his leg . You are right in all things sir , if you would change the Cart , & the Carter , into the Coach , & Coachman . Interrupt me not , saith the Doctor ; this Carter breaking his Leg , fell after into a dangerous Feuer of which he is since recouered . Good your worship . Good your Worship , no more Carter , nor Cart , if you loue mee ; for of my knowledge he was a Coachman , and fell from his Coach . His Coach saith the Doctor , still looking vpon the Vrin : I prethee truely resolue me , is here all the water that was made ? No indeed , saith the fellow , I poured out halfe by the way . Nay , I thought as much ; then there went away the other two wheeles , saith the Doctor , for there cannot bee aboue two contained in this Vrinall . The Coachman admires his cunning , departs satisfied with his skill , saith , hee shall haue his custome , with all his comrades ; and vowed onely for his sake , to speake well of Doctors euer after .

59. A Taylor .

A Taylor bringing to a Gentleman a bill of extraordinary length , because it included many reckonings , and altogether despairing of present payment , because the party had a present purpose to trauell ; the Gentleman demands what hee would bate him of the maine bill , and hee would pay him downe the rest in ready money , ready cash quoth the Taylor , being extaside with the very thought , I will bate you saith he a full yard City measure and that s a handfull more , take it off in the middle , the top , or the bottome , either of all these three , chuse you which .

60. A Cheater .

A Cheater hauing stolne a cup out of a Tauerne , and being pursude and taken in the streets , there grew on the sudden a great tumult of people , and a great confluence was gathered together , a ciuill Gentleman passing , and seeing another come from thence that had bin at the vproare , demanded of him what was the reason of that throng , nothing saith hee , but that one hath gotten a cup too much , alas saith the other , nothing else , that may bee an honest mans fault , and mine as soone as anothers .

61. A handsome wench , and a Iustice .

A Handsome wench for some suspicious businesse beeing brought before a Iustice somewhat late in the euening , and hee taking compassion of her because shee was faire and seeming modest , wisht the man that broght her before him to take her home , and lodge her that night , and he would heare the businesse more at large in the morning ; Marry with all my heart , saith hee , Master Iustice , so you will but commit my wife which is now at home to the Counter till the morning .

62. A cleanly lye .

WIll : Kempe by a mischance was with a sword run quite through the leg , a Country Gentleman comming to visit him , asked him how he came by that mischance , he told him , and withall , troth saith he , I receiued this hurt iust eight weekes since , and I haue line of it this quarter of a yeare , and neuer stirr'd out of my Chamber .

63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary .

CErtaine Gentlemen being in Game at an Ordinary , euery one complained of a filthy ranke smel that was amongst them , which grew still hotter and hotter in their Noses : At length saith one of them iestingly , I pray you Gentlemen , which of you amongst vs here vseth to weare Socks ? A Countrey Gentleman one of the company presently answered , not I , I protest I neuer knew what belongs to them .

64. Of a deafe Hostesse .

A Young Gentleman hauing a deafe hostesse , vsed to put many Iests vpon her , and one day hauing invited diuers of his friends to dinner , and thinking to make them merry , taketh a glasse of wine , and maketh signes to the good old woman that he dranke to her , and saith , here Hostesse , I will drinke to you , and to all your friends , namely the Baudes and Whores in Turnebull street , to whom she innocently said , I thanke you Sir , euen with all my heart , I know you remember your Mother , your Aunt , and those good Gentlewomen your sisters .

65. Of a Prentice .

A Young Boy comming out of the Countrey , and being new bound Prentice , seeing my Lord Maiors show , and wondring at the great pompe and state hee rid in , I marry saith he , now I see what wee must all come too .

66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman .

A Spaniard and a Dutchman meeting in an Inne , were appointed to bee bedfellowes , the Dutchman went first to bed , expecting the other , who before hee vncas'd himselfe , takes out of his mouth a set of teeth , and wiping them laid them in a cleane napkin . The Dutchman being still awake , began to wonder . In the meane time hee takes off his counterfeit haire , and showes a head quite bald . The other still obserues him . Then he takes out an artificiall eye , wipes it , and layes it by the rest . This began to startle the other , who by this time had serued off his siluer Nose , and then makes towards the bed : which the Dutchman seeing , leapes out of the bed , crying , the Deuill , the Deuill .

67. A great Lords entertainment .

THe Maior of Exeter entertaining the Earle of Essex in his returne from his first Cales voyage ; at dinner intreated my Lord to relate vnto him all the passage of the assaulting , and taking the Towne : Which my Lord hauing done at his intreaty : I marry saith he , this were braue indeed , if it were true . My Lord smiled at his ignorance , but said little , but drunke to him . The Maior pledg'd his Lordship , and withal asked him how he liked the Wine ? Who answered , it was very good . I but , saith Master Maior , I haue a cup of Wine in my Celler , &c. I marry saith my Lord , I should haue thought my selfe welcome , indeed , if I might haue tasted of that .

68. An Empericke .

AN Emperick that had but one cure for all diseases , which was certaine Pils which he vsed to giue for all sorts of maladies , by reason that some of his Patients were accidentally cured : grew famous in the place where hee liued , amongst the the simpler sort : In so much that some of them held him for a learned Doctor : others for a cunning man . It hapned that a poore Countrey man , hauing his Cow strayed from him , and giuing her out for lost , heard the fame of this Artist ; profers him money to helpe him to his Cow againe . Who answered , if he would haue any Pils , he could helpe him to them . Yes , with all my heart saith the poore man , if I thought they would doe mee any good in this businesse . The Artist sels him Pils , and teacheth him how to take them ; which hee presently did , and bids him farewell . The man going homeward the Physicke began to worke with him : hee retires himselfe for modesty sake from the highway into a neigbouring thicket ; where as hee sate , casting his eye aside , hee by chance saw his Cow grazing amongst the bushes ; at which hee reioyced . The next day he returned to the City , to giue thankes , by whose report hee grew ten times more famous then before among the vulgar .

69. Of a Horse .

QVeene Elizabeth in her progresse to Couentry , was met a distance from the Towne by the Maior and his Brethren , and so conducted to the City . There was a Water in the way , and Master Maiors horse would needes drinke ; but his rider not suffering him , but curbing him in , the horse kept such a plunging in the water , that he dasht the Queene ; who called to him , and asked him why hee did not let his Horse drinke ? Who answered , if it please your Grace , I was not so ill bred , as to suffer my Horse to drinke before you Maiesties .

70. A young Citizen and his Wife .

A Young Citizen and his wife being at dinner together , hee had earen Egs , and shee was feeding vpon Beefe ; and finding her selfe somwhat drye : Sweet husband saith shee , I prethee drinke to mee , and I will pledge thee ; thee after thine Egge , and I after mine Oxe .

71. Of Rape seed .

A Hansome young fellow hauing seene a Play at the Curtaine , comes to William Rowly after the Play was done , and intreated him if his leisure serued , that hee might giue him a Pottle of Wine , to bee better acquainted with him . Hee thankt him , and told him if hee pleased to goe as farre as the Kings Head at Spittlegate , hee would as soone as he had made himselfe ready follow him , and accept of his kindnesse . He did so , but the Wine seeming tedious betwixt two , and the rather because the young fellow could entertaine no discourse , Rowly beckoned to an honest fellow ouer the way to come and keepe them company ; who promised to be with them instantly . But not comming at the second or third calling . At last he appeares in the roome , where William Rowly begins to chide him because he had staid so long . Hee presently craued pardon , and begins to excuse himselfe , that hee had beene abroad to buy Rape seed , and that he staid to seed his birds . At the very word of Rape seed , the man rose from the Table , with a changed countenance , being very much discontented , and said , Mr Rowly I came in curtesie to desire your acquaintance , and to bestow the Wine vpon you , not thinking you would haue called this fellow vp to taunt mee so bitterly , ( they wondring what hee meant , ) Hee proceeded . T is true indeed , the last Sessions I was arraigned at Newgate for a Rape : but I thanke God , I came off like an honest man , little thinking to bee twitted of it here . Both began to excuse themselues , as not knowing any such thing , as well as they might . But he that gaue the offence , thinking the better to expresse his innocence ; young Gentleman , saith he , to expresse how farre I was from wronging of you , locke you here , as I haue Rape seed in one Pocket for one Bird , so here is Hempe seed on this side for another . At which word , Hempe seed , saith the young man , Why Villaine , doest thou thinke I haue deserued hanging ? and tooke vp the Pot to fling at his head , but his hand was stayed : and as errour and mistake began the quarrell , so Wine ended it .

72. Of a Thatcher .

A Thatcher being on the top of an house , one of the maides speaks to him somewhat hastily , and bids him come downe to breakfast , The fellow whether ouer-ioyed with the newes , or what the matrer was I know not , but his hands left their hold , and his feet slipt , and downe he came sliding ; which the wench seeing , cals aloud to him , and saith , Gaffer , Gaffer , you need not make such hast , for breakfast is not ready .

73. Of another Thatcher .

ANother of the same trade , being at worke on the ridge of an high Barne , and all the Thatch loose beneath him , his feet slipt from him , and still as hee felt himselfe falling , catching vncertaine hold , as the Thatch faild him , he cryde , Lord helpe me , Lord blesse me , Lord preserue mee : but comming to the Eues , and beholding what a great distance it was betwixt him and the ground ; raps out a great oath , and sayes , what a huge fall am I like to haue .

74. Of an Oxe hide .

A Scholler of the Vniuersity being abroad late in the Towne , comming by a Tanners house , hapned to stumble vpon a raw Oxe hyde that lay before his doore : and groping with his hand to know what it was , first hits vpon the hyde , and after vpon the hornes , vpon which he had this conceit : Te toga dat nostrum , te dant tua cornua Ciuem . In English thus ; Thou shouldst be Scholler by thy Gown , But by thy Hornes one of the Towne .

75. Three Surgeons .

THree Surgeons in their owne Countries were equally famous , and all at one time : the one in England , another in Ireland , a third in Wales . Now as all men naturally enquire after such as are eminent in their owne quality : so each of these by rumour hauing heard much of the others excellencie : They had great desire to see one another , and were all in the same thought . The Irishman comes ouer to enquire after both , or either iust at the same time when the Englishman was iourneying towards Wales , and the Welchman towards England . These three by accident met in one Inne , all strangers one to another . Motion was made by the Hostesse , in regard they were single men , that they might Sup together : It was accepted of . After supper they grew in discourse of their owne Art . The Irishman extols one famous in England , another in Wales : The Welchman is as liberall in the praise of an Englishman , and an Irishman : The Englishman is as free in commending the other . After some circumstance , they finde themselues to be the same . Many enterchanging of curtesie passed betweene them : and the Table being drawne , they concluded all to lye in one Chamber . A great fire being made , and some healths passing round : at length saith the Englishman , we are all famous for our Art practised vpon others ; being so fortunately met , it were not much amisse if we practised something vpon our selues . The others as ambitious to make triall of their skill , gaue consent to the motion . The Englishman presently cals for a cleane wooden dish ; and hauing commanded the hostesse to leaue the Chamber , takes his incision Knife , and opens himselfe before the fire , rips vp his belly , takes out his stomack or Paunch , and casts it into the wooden dish : then bindes vp his body , as his Art taught him , without any trouble of colour or countenance . Which they seeing , notwithstanding cheered him vp , and asked him how hee did . Hee answered , ( I thanke God ) neuer better , onely for the present hee wanted a stomack . They applaud his cunning . Then the Irishman loath to be exceeded in his Art , with his knife takes out one of his eyes , with the strings , and without shew of feare or signe of paine , closeth vp the place with a plaister , and layes it to the Englishmans Paunch in the wooden Platter . Which the Welchman obseruing , and scorning to bee vnderualued in his Art , leapes to his sword , and takes it in the lest hand , and cuts off the right , stancheth the blood , bindes vp the wound , & casts it to the rest , as little moued as the other . This done , they deliuer vp the paunch , the eye , and the hand to be kept safe , and deliuered backe to them in the morning . And then to bed they goe . The Hostesse layes these things in the wet Larder : but her daughter forgetting to locke the doore ; about break of day in comes a Cow , and eates vp all in the Tray. The hostesse rising betimes in the morning , going to see her charge , finds all deuoured , and no signe of any thing remaining , shee growes into a great perplexitie for her guests , grieuing that she should bee the cause of their deaths : Which her daughter ouer-hearing , comforts her mother thus . To satisfie your guests in shew , and to auoid the law , we haue incurd by our negligence . First for the Englishman , they say the paunch of an Hog , or a Sow is iust like the stomack of a man , or woman : Our Sow is fat , and to be killed shortly , cut her throat now , her flesh will be neuer a whit the worse , and lay her Paunch in the place of the other , this was no sooner aduised then put in practise . But now saith the hostesse , how shall we doe for the Irishmans eye ? Oh mother saith the Girle , looke but vpon our gray eyed Cat , and shee hath hath such eyes as he hath for all the world . The mother apprehends , the Cat is taken , and suffers , and her eye cast into the tray in stead of the Irishmans . That done , what shift ( saith mine hostesse ) shall we make for the Welchmans hand ? Oh Mother saith the Girle , but yesterday a theefe suffered , and hangs still vpon the Gallowes : send quickly to the place , and cut off his hand , and lay it in the place of the Welchmans . Al is done , the Surgeons call , the Tray is carried vp , and ( as they thinke ) euery thing accommodated in his owne place . The Englishman closeth vp his stomack : the Irishman puts in his eye : the Welchman fastens on his hand , and euery of them in outward appearance seemes whole , and sound . And being ready to take horse , and part , saith one of them ; these cures seeme currant for the present , but whether they bee setled , or permanent , may bee a question : Therefore I hold it fit that euery one of vs trauell about our most necessary affaires , and meet here againe in the same place this day month , to giue account of our cures . It is concluded : the day comes : the Artists appeare according to promise . They first aske the Englishman concerning the state of his body ? Who anwered , hee was neuer in better health , nor euer had so great a stomack ; for now no meat can come amisse to him , raw , or roasted : besides , he had much adoe to keepe his Nose out of euery swilling Tub : Nay , hee cannot see a young Child turne his backside to the wal , but he had a great minde to be doing with it . They question next the Irishman of his health : who answers , that hee feeles himselfe well , sauing that he feeles some defect in that one eye , for when the one is shut , and asleep , the other is open and awake . Besides , if at midnight he hear a Rat or a Mouse stirring , hee could not contain himselfe from stepping out of bed , breaking his Shins so often , that they were neuer without plaisters . They question the Welchman last , he protests that he is well , and in health , and that in his owne nature he is both of good condition , and conuersation , but euer since the reioyning of that hand , he hath much adoe from stealing whatsoeuer stands in his way , and from keeping it out of the next mans Pocket .

76. Of Bucanon .

THe famous Poet Bucanon in his trauels was taken hold of by some of the Popes Inquisitors , who by his free writing , suspected his religion , but hee to acquit himselfe , wrote vnto his holinesse this Dysticon : Laus tua non tua fraus , virtus non copia rerum , Scandere te fecit hoc decus eximium . Which thus I paraphrase . Thy praise not fraud , thy vertue , not thy store , Made thee to climbe that height which we adore .

For which Encomium he was set at liberty , and being got out of the Popes iurisdiction , he sent to his Holinesse , and desired according to his owne true meaning , to reade the selfesame verses backward which were these : Eximium decus hoc fecit te scandere rerum Copia , non virtus , fraus tua , non tua laus . Thus Englished : The height which we adore , what made thee climbe ? Not vertue , nor thy worth , rather thy crime .

77. An Vsurer dying .

A Great Vsurer hauing purchased a mighty estate , as all men are mortall , so the time came when hee must leaue the world : and lying vpon his deathbed , the Doctors , and Physitians hauing giuen him ouer , a Reuerend Diuine was sent to comfort him ; who telling him of many comforts for his soules health , amongst other things , said , hee had beene a great purchaser vpon earth , but now he must study for another purchase , which was the Kingdome of heauen . He turning vpon the other side , at the hearing of the word purchase , answered , I will not giue more then according to fifteene yeares for the purchase , and so died . This Gentleman preaching at his funerall , in the conclusion of his Sermon , said onely thus , Brethren , and dearely beloued , it is now expected , that should speake something concerning our brother here deceased : I will end it in few words , namely these : How he liued you know , how hee dyed I know , and where his soule is now , God Almighty knowes .

78. A parish Clarke .

AN honest man , a Parish Clarke , and a freeman of London , by trade a Skinner , being by the Preacher , before hee went into the Pulpit , ( because he found himselfe at the present not very well ) intreated to sing a Psalme of some length : I will said he , and said aloud thus : I intreat you good people sing Lamentation of a Skinner .

79. Two sisters .

TWo sisters , the one being exceeding faire , the other extreame blacke : It so fortuned , the one had Suters , the other had none . The faire one meeting with a Sweet-heart of hers in a Garden , to which her chamber window was a prospect , they grew so wantonly familiar , that it was most vndecent , and vnseemely ; the blacke sister finding the others chamber open , and espying all which had past ; with her diamond writes , Te tam formosam non decet esse leuem , and hauing done this , conueyes her selfe out of the roome . Their dalliance being ended , the faire sister returning to her Chamber , and finding no body there , espies what was writ in the window , and finding it to be her sisters ohatacter , thus subscribes , Te non formosam non valet esse leuem , which I thus interpret , the first :

So faire and light doe not agree .

The answere :

Were you as faire such would you be .

80. Wishers , and woulders .

ONe desiring a Scholler to turne the old ancient English prouerbe into Latine , Wishers and Woulders were neuer good housholders . That I will presently , saith the Scholler thus , Oh si , oh si , otiosi .

81. Barbarous Latine .

ONe thinking with barbarous latine to put down a Scholler , came and saluted him in these words , Ars tufons , art thou well ? To whom he presently answered in the others garbe , Asinus fons , Asinus tu ; that is , As well as thou .

81. A Gentleman to a Lady .

A Witty conceited Gentleman , that when he came among Ladies , would often bolt out a phrese of Latine ; one of them , that thought her selfe the most witty amongst the rest , said vnto him , Sir you are ever and anon out with your Latine , which wee Gentlewomen vnderstand not , therefore are afraid lest you should play vpon vs : But for mine one part , I perswade my selfe that if you speake but two words , if one of them bee good , the other is naught . I , saith he , Madam ; what say you then of these two words , bona mulier , good woman ? Well saith shee , bona may bee good , but if mulier be not naught , then neuer trust me .

83. Two hyring one horse .

TWo fellowes purposing a iourney hyred a horse betwixt them to ride by turnes : The one laid downe halfe the hire , and cals to his partner for the other halfe , which he willingly disburst . Which done , saith he , marke the conditions betwixt vs , which are these : when I ride , then you shall goe a foore , and when you go on foot them I shal ride . This is the bargaine , will you stand to it ? Yes , with all my heart saith the other . So the first got vp , rod the whole iourney , and left the other to come on foot after him .

84. A Gentleman and a Horse-courser .

A Gentleman hyred a Horse in Smithfield to ride a iourney twenty miles beyond Yorke , and hauing paid the Horsecourser his money hee desired to know of him whether the horse would serue him his iourney , or no ? to whom the fellow answered , that without doubt he would , if he would but obserue three things , the Gentleman asking what they were , The first is saith he , you must meat him well . Feare not saith the other , for I look to my horse , as to my selfe . The second is , you must not ride him vp hill nor downe hill . Well saith hee , I must spare him to ease my selfe . Now what is the third , marry saith he , driue him before you in all the euen way you come in , and if hee serue not your iourny as wel as any horse in England , trust me no more . Thus was the poore Gentleman not onely iaded , but mockt for his money .

85. A man buying a Cow .

A Certaine man came into the Market , to buy a Cow , and bought one : when he had paid for her he desired to know what faults she had . Now the Cow could not endure any to stand iust before her : so the seller spoke to the buyer to stand iust before her , and he should see all her faults at once : which he did : but no sooner was hee iust before her , thinking to see some egregious fault in her , and alas he felt it , for shee ran at him , and threw him along in the dirt .

86. A Doctor and a Lady .

DOctor Butler being very angry with a Lady , call'd her whore : she makes a grieuous complaint vpon him ; in so much , that partly by compulsion , partly by intreaty , hee was forced to recant his words before a competent company , such as for her best satisfaction shee would make choyse of . The time appointed came , wherein he recanted in these words :

Madam I call'd you whore , t is true . and to speake otherwise , I should lye . I come to giue you satisfaction , I am sorry .

Vpon these termes grew a perfect reconcilement betweene them .

87. An Epitaph .

A Gentleman hauing lost a deare friend of his , and willing to bestow some monument vpon him after his death , comes to a Scholler , desiring him to make him a Epitaph for that purpose , he told him withall his heare , then hee demanded , what speciall vertues his friend had when he liu'd , that in his death hee might commend them to posteritie , who answered hee never tooke notice of any particular vertues ; he askt him then what noted vices he was guilty of , hee told him againe not any that he knew , but that he was a good honest morall man , and more hee could not speake for him : the third question was , he demanded how old he was , when hee departed his life , he answered he was iust sixty yeares of age , vpon which hee writ this Epitaph :

Here lyes a man was borne and cride , Told threescore yeares , fell sick , & dide .

88. Pope Alexander VI.

POpe Alexander the sixt , intruding into the Papacy rather by force then the consort of a free election , one comming to read his title , which was Alexander Papa VI. Pope Alexander the sixt , read Alexander Papa vi . Alexander Pope by force .

89. Pictures hang'd .

A Fantasticke Gentleman having bespoken diuers Pictures to furnish a Gallery , the picturer bringing them home , hee was disposing them in their seuerall places , here saith he , hang this , there that , and there that , but here will be hanged my selfe .

90. Comming of the Spaniards .

ONe comming fearfully into a company of Gentlemen , told them hee could tell them most fearfull newes , they asked him what it was , Marry saith he , it is publikely rumored that the Spaniards will bee here before Easter , Tush let not that trouble you saith one of the Companie , I will neuer beleeue it , for the Spaniards kill no flesh in Lent .

91. A father and his daughter .

A Father being suspicious of his daughter , and of a young man that was a surer to her , whom hee did no way affect , tooke his daughter to schooling , and made her vow vnto him never more to come into his company without asking leaue , vpon a time her father sitting by the fire , and she hauing notice giuen her that her friend was at the doore to speake with her , shee made an exuse to reach something behind her father , and as she stooped , said father , by your leaue : marry good leaue haue you daughter saith he , which was no sooner spoke , but out shee went to her sweet heart , and saw her father no more till shee came home a maried wife .

92. A letter writ out of the Countrey .

A Countryman writ a Letter to a friend of his at London after this manner : After my hearty commendations , hoping in God that you are in good health , as I am at the making hereof , &c. these are to let you vnderstand that at this present I am extremly sicke , and much troubled with a quartaine ague , in so much that there is small hopes ever to be mine owne man againe : And for such a man that hath done mee most violent and dangerous wrongs I doe forgive him with all my heart and soule : but if it shall please God I may recouer this sicknesse , I will be revenged of him to the utmost of my power , though it cost mee all that euer I am or shall be worth , thus being loath to trouble you any further , I remaine , and cease ever to be your louing friend ,

I. F.

93. A lye retorted .

ONe hearing another in the company tell a lye , at least an extreme impossibility , all condemned it for a thing that had no appearance of truth : no saith one , I can tell you as strange a wonder as that , walking the other day over the fields , and plowed lands , it was my fortune to cast mine eye vpon a Hare that was sitting , hauing nothing at that time in mine hand , and being desirous to kil her sitting , still fixing my eyes vpon her , I stooped to take vp a clod or stone to fling at her , & beat out her braines , and in that thought stooping to catch vp something , I fastned vpon another hare that sate there formed , cast her from me , and hit the other as shee was rising , and brake both their necks , and carried them home to supper .

94. A Scotchman and his Mistris .

A Scotchman in the beginning of the spring , when scarce one flowre was seene to bud out of the earth , by chance walking to take the ayre , cast his eye vpon a Primrose fairly blowne , and being about to plucke it , he began to consider with himselfe , how much more acceptable would this be to my Lady , and Mistresse , if for the rarenesse thereof she gathered it with her owne faire hand , and in this thought he purposed to call her from her Chamber , and bring her to the place , but fearing lest any one in his absence should find it out , hee thought it the safest way to couer it with his hat , so he did , and goes withall speed to his Ladies Chamber , in this interim one comming by that way , ( whether he before obserued him or no , I know not ) but remouing the hatt to see what was vnder it , espies the flower , and crops it , and in the same place he left a Rose of a worse smell behind him , couers it with the hat , and conueighes himselfe quite out of sight , presently after comes the Scotchman leading his Lady by the arme , tells her after many complements the rarenesse of the flowre , and of his great fortune to finde it , and how much more precious shee should make it by plucking it in her owne person . Why where is this dainty flower saith she you so much praise and speake of . Why here sweet Lady saith he couered with this my Beauer , and with curiosity remooving it , discouers the thing I spake of , still smelling , and therefore more offensiue to the smell , the Scotchman blushes , the Lady railes , what he then thought , or how her dainty nose tooke it , I leaue it to the Readers considerations :

So dainty was her nose ? and shee not smell That sent before she came so neere ? and tell The Scotchman that for recreation She walkt with him , so far t is Ladies fashion , But flowers she 'de haue none , so soone this yeare , So might she have ie'rde him , and not he her .

95. Of a Gentleman that was the first of his house .

ONe Gentleman obiecting to another , that he was the first of his house , the other answered that is my honour that thou vpbraidest me with , but bee it thy dishonour that thou art likely to bee the last of thine .

96. An Empericke and his man .

A Physician and his man riding a long , they perceiued a distance off , a great confluence of people assembled : the master desirous to know the reason thereof , sends his servant to know the cause , and to giue him notice , which the fellow did , & gallopping backe with all the speed he could , desires his master if hee loued his life , to put spurs to his horse , and to prouide for his present safety otherwise he was but a lost man : at which the Physitian amazed , desired likewise to know the reason of that , his man replied , Sir , the reason of this meeting is to behold the execution of one that hath killed a man , now if he were condemned for killing of one , what danger are you in , that to my knowledge haue beene the death of halfe a hundred at the least .

97. Two Country Fellowes .

Two Country fellowes meeting at an Assizes in the Countrey , one askt the other what newes , and how many were condemned to suffer , the other answered , This hath beene the strangest Sessions that ever was in my time , I haue not knowne the like , for there is no execution at all , and is it not worthy observation , that so many Iustices should sit on the Bench , and not one thought worthy to be hanged ?

98. A Churchman in his Inne .

A Churchman being in his Inn , and arguing with an high voice , fie quoth his curious hostesse , Sir , why doe you talke so lowd ? marry sweet Hostesse saith he , because I am alowd to talke , and so are not you without the consent of your husband .

99. An English Gentleman in France .

AN English Gentleman being in France , and hauing exercised himselfe in a dancing schoole , had put off his pumps , and wiping himselfe with a dry towell , was ready to depart , at which time enters a French Mounsier , and intreated him to put on his pumps againe that he might see him practise , the other excused it by reason of his wearines , and that by too much heating his body , hee might endanger a surfet , but the Mounsier from intreaty grew to importunity , from importunacy to threats , and withall seeing his sword lye a distance from him drawes it , and sweares that if he will not presently satisfie him in his request , hee will runne him through : the English Gentleman seeing at what advantage he had him , yeelds to the present necessity , dances out his Galliard , and gives him as much content as he can desire , but having ended , made himselfe ready , and recovered his sword , comming close to the Mounsier , hee tells him , that if he be a gentleman , he must satisfie him for this affront , and either acknowledge that hee had done him a manifest wrong , or decide the difference by the sword : the other seeing how neere it toucht his reputation , told him hee would giue him meeting to his desire : the place , and houre was appointed , their weapons agreed vpon , and their length taken : The morning came , and singly without Seconds they met and drew , the Englishman presently drawes a case of Pistols , and bids the Mounsier dance , I and to what tune he would either sing or whistle : the other taxes him of dishonorable advantage , but he is obstinate , and sweares he will shoot him if he will not dance : then the French man layes downe his armes , and footes it with all the curiositie hee could , hihich done , the English man tells tem now they are vpon equall wrmes , gives him leaue to rest and breathe , and hauing made himselfe sport sufficiently , fought with him , and had the better of the Duell .

100. A Gentlemen and a Constable .

A Gentleman comming late before the Constable , thinking to haue past the watch , hee was called before the lanthorne , and very strictly demanded who he was , and whom he serued , hee answered , he was as they saw a man , and that hee serued God . I , say you so , saith the Constable , then cary him to the Compter , if you serue no body else : yes Sir replyed the Gentleman , I serue my Lord Chamberlaine . Say you so saith the Constable , why did you not tell mee so before ? Marry saith the Gentleman , because I had thought you had loued God better then my Lord Chamberlaine .

101. A rich man and a poore .

ONe aske this question , What was that , that the poore man throwes away , and the rich man puts vp in his pocket ? It was answered , when the rich man blowes his nose in a hankercher .

102. A sleepy drawer .

A Drawer sleeping vnder the Pulpit , the Preacher beat his deske so hard , that hee being suddenly awaked , start vp , and cryed openly in the Church , Anon , Anon Sir .

103. A famous Painter .

ANgelo a most famous painter in Rome , wrought all those famous peeces , or the most part of them that are now to be seene in S. Peters Church , and working privately with a curtaine before him , as not willing his tables should bee seene till his nouissima manus had beene vpon them , and that they were compleat and perfect , being at that time about the resurrection and last iudgment , where the Elect were of one side , and the reprobate of the other , he had obserued a Priest who would be still prying into his worke , therefore to bee reuenged on him , hee thought no more fit occasion or opportunity then to draw his face to the life amongst the damned , which he did with such art and curiositie , that when his worke came to bee seene , and made publike , not any that knew the Priest , but could easily perceiue , it personated him ; for which hee grew to bee a derision or by-word among the people , insomuch that they would say to his face , that he was in Angeloes hell already : for which hee made a great complaint to the Clergy , at length petitioned to the Pope himselfe that his face might be taken from thence , and some put into the place : to whom the Pope gaue answer , that hee must necessarily excuse him in that businesse , for true it was , that if Angelo had put him into purgatory , he then had power in himselfe , to haue released him thence , but seeing it was into hell , it was beyond his iurisdiction , for ex inferis nulla redemptio , out of hell there is no redemption .

104. Of giuing away Deere .

A Priuate Gentleman of this Kingdome hauing a walke in the Forrest , was complained on to King Iames , that hee had in one yeare giuen away aboue 60 heads of Deere , at the least , at which his Maiesty being grieuously incensed , called him before him , and askt him whether that were true that was reported of him , and told him of the complaint which was made against him : to whom hee answered that it was most true , that within such a time hee had giuen away as many : at which the King being inraged he swore hee would haue him hanged for it : but hee beseecht his Maiestie to heare him fully : True it is saith he , that I haue giuen away so many to such friends of mine that were sutors to me for Venison ; but if it come to bee proued that I haue deliuered any one of them , I shall then submit my selfe to vndergoe your highnesses most heauie displeasure , with which answer the King was appeased , and he acquitted .

105. The King a hunting .

THe King being one day a hunting , and pleasing to retire himselfe to repast , leaned , or rather sate vpon the same Gentleman , being fat and corpulent , somewhat to his disease , who boldly spoke to the King in these words ; I doe beseech your Maiesty , leane not too hard vpon your cushion , least you make the feathers tofly out .

106. Of choughing in ones graue .

A Master of Art in one of the Vniuersities , hauing acted in a Tragedy , and his body lying seeming dead on the Stage , for the time was not yet come that hee should be taken away , a passion tooke him that he was forced to cough so loud that it was perceiued by the generall auditory , at which many of them falling into a laughter , hee rising vp excused it thus : you may see Gentlemen what it is to drinke in ones porridge , for they shall cough in their graue .

107. A Gentleman in disgrace .

A Worthy Gentleman , and a good Scholler had beene long in disgrace with Queene Elizabeth , the reason I know not , nor am willing to examine , but he made meanes to one that was then in great fauour at Court , to bring him into fauor with her Maiestie , which he had promised him , and perswaded the Queene to giue admittance of him into her presence . The time was come , and the other brought him , where and when shee expected him : who hauing done his duty with all the submission that a subiect might ; The Queene saith , I vnderstand you are a great scholler , shall I aske you one question ? Any thing Madam saith he that lies within the compasse of mine vnderstanding to resolue you ; then I pray you saith she , how many vowells be there ? Madam saith he , it is a question that every schoole boy can resolue you , but since you would be answered from me , there be fiue : fiue saith she ? but I pray you of these fiue , which may wee best spare ? Not any of them Madam saith he , without corrupting of our naturall dialect . Yes replyed she , I can tell you , for of them all we can ( for our owne part ) best spare u or you .

108. A simple Constable .

A Gentleman walking late , knowing there to be a simple Constable that had the watch that night , giuing him some peremptory termes , there was no way with him but to prison he must , at length the Gentleman came vp close to him , and bid him commit him if hee durst . Why saith he , what may I call your name , that I who present the Kings person may not commit ? Saith the Gentleman , my name is Adulterie , and neither by Gods Lawes nor mans ought you to commit mee : which one of the wisest of the company hearing , let him goe Master Constable saith he , let him goe , for if your wife should heare that you had committed Adultery in your watch it might bee an euerlasting breach of loue betwixt you . Vpon this the constable was appeased , and the Gentleman went quietly to his lodging .

109. The twelue signes of vsury .

ONe being desirous to know what twelue severall Nations neerest resembled the 12. moneths , hauing their seuerall influences from them , was by one that stood by in Disticks thus answered .

Aquarius bids the Russian at home tary , And vse baths , furres , and fires in Ianuary . Pisces in February bids keepe warme , Lest haile , raine , snow , may doe the Lopland harme . March of Mars sauours , Aries the Commander , To him belongs the warlike . Netherlander . Aprill hath correspondence to the French , And Tau rus tells vs that he loves a wench . In Gemini the Italian loues to play , And therefore he is like the Month of May. The Month of Iune is gouerned by the Crab , The Spaniards hot , and hee must haue a drab . In Iuly the bright Sunne in Virgo swayes , The parched Moores are tanned by his rayes . Leo in August reines , the Indian then , Though naked may bee counted amongst men . The English the Goat inuites as I remember , To challenge to himselfe the Month September . The Scorpion ripens harvest in October , The Germane claimes that month , though seldome sober . The Austrian who his shape doth neuer vary , Nouember claimes , swayd by the Sagittary . Vpon th' Hungarian Aquarius powres Many full pots , fi lt by December showers .

110. One preaching against vsury .

ONe preaching violently against vsury , was by one that was knowne to bee a great money master , the same day inuited to dinner , but because hee had so netled him and all of his profession in his sermon , he was at the first motion ( fearing some violence to bee offered to to his person ) resolved not to goe , but vpon consideration , trusting to the priuiledge of his Cote , he boldly went , and was exceeding welcome , the Table being taken away the guests either dispersed , or in discourse , the vsurer takes the Preacher aside , puts ten peeces in his hand and thankes him kindly for his sermon : the other wondring at his bounty , demanded of him the reason thereof , for said he , I was afraid I had much offended in being so bitter against those two damnable crimes of oppression and vsury . The other answered , I protest you were so farre from offence to mee ward , that you gaue mee much content , and I would intreat you to amplifie that Text , and in all your sermons to inueigh against it still . The Preacher asking his reason , I hope it may so edifie , and prevaile with some that they will quite giue it ouer , and so by that meanes , I and some others of my owne resolution , may put out our money to our profit .

111. Of a tall Gentleman , and a little Taylor .

A Little low Taylor working to a tall Fantasticke Gentleman , had pleased him in all things , sauing that he neuer made his coller high enough , and bespeaking a new suite , charged him to button him vp before two or three buttons more then ordinary . The Taylor willing to giue him all content , did accordingly : brought it home , and see it put on ; and hauing buttond him to the height , it made him hold vp his chin , so that hee could scarce see any thing saue the Element . Saith the Taylor , haue I pleased your worship now ? Oh very well saith the Gentleman , this is as I would haue it . Reach me vp thy bill , and put thy hand into my other hose , there is my purse , and tell out thy money . The Taylor did so , and told him he was satisfied . I am glad of it , saith the Gentleman , and not able to hold downe his head , Reach me thine hand honest friend , saith he , and now farewell , for I feare I shall neuer see thee againe .

112. Two Gentlemen falling out .

TWo young gentlemen falling out in a Tauerne ouer night , promised to meet in the field the next morning , and did so ; but vpon cold blood distrusting their valours , they began to parle : at length it was concluded betwixt them , that in regard their going out was taken notice of by other gentlemen , and if no blood were drawne betwixt them , it might redound to both their disparagement , to giue one another some sleight hurt , or scratch such a place , where they could best endure it : and so drew cuts who should giue the first wound , and the other to appoint the place . Saith he who was the first patient , giue mee a little prick in the Arme : I will saith the other , and ran his Arme quite through . The other making sowre faces , at the smart therof . Now saith hee , stand me , and shew me where I shall hit you ? But he that was vntoucht , perceiuing whom he had before wounded , to bee scarce able to hold his sword , stands vpon his guard , and tels him he lay faire and open to him , bids him hit him where he could , and so came off boasting & bragging to his friends , how he had got the better of the day .

113. A Drunkard .

A Drunkard lying in the street , and not able to helpe himselfe : a gentleman walking late without a light , stumbled at him , but by good fortune recouered himselfe , & perceiuing what had line in the way , I haue stumbled at a straw , saith he , and leaped ouer a blocke .

114. A Master of a ship .

THere was one whose name was Man , and hee was Master of a ship , which was call'd the Moone : who was at Sea , and had beene in great familiaritie with a Sailers wife in Ratcliffe . In his absence her husband finding her to bee a light huswife : but not knowing of the former , charged her with a young Seafaring man , with whom shee had beene often at priuate meeting in company , and that very suspiciously , in so much that he vrged her to tell him vpon her saluation , what in that kinde had passed betwixt them . The woman to giue his iealousie satisfaction , fell downe vpon her knees , and wisht some heauy fate might fall vpon her , if she knew more by that party , then by the man in the Moone , at which protestation the husband was satisfied , and as it is said neuer iealous of her after .

115. A Gormandizer .

A Gormandizing fellow protesting to a friend of his that hee loued him as well as hee loued his soule . I thanke you sir ( said he ) with al my heart ; but I had rather you loued me as well as you loue your body .

A Welch Reader .

A Welchman reading the chapter of the Genealogie , where Abraham begat Isaac , and Isaac begat Iacob , ere he came to the midst hee found the names so difficult , that he broke off in these words , and so they begat one another till they came to the end of the Chapter .

117. A Bishop and a Gentleman .

THis is an old one , but a good one , and therefore not altogether amiste to bee here inserted ; which though it bee knowne to some , is questionlesse not to all . A Gentleman of the Vniuersitie , being great acquaintance with a Doctor , insomuch that they were very intimate , and indeared friends . It hapned that the Gentleman trauelled for the space of seuen yeares : In which interim this Doctor was made an Archbishop . The Gentleman at his returne being glad to heare of his friends preferment , tooke time to visit him , and came iust when they were preparing for dinner . The Archbishop more strange in his salutation then before ; after short greeting askt him where he purposed to dine ? Hee answered , My Lord , where my horse stands , which is both an Inne , and an Ordinary . Well saith my Lord , it may bee before dinner be done you shall heare from mee , and so parted , without any further complements . The gentleman went to his Inne , and sate downe among the rest of the strangers . The Archbishop remembring his promise , cals one of his gentlemen , and spying a Mullet ( which is a Sea fish ) on the Table ; Take this dish saith he , and inquire for such a Gentleman at his Inne , and tell him I haue sent him this , as a Token of my loue , to mend his Ordinary . The Gentleman did . And finding him set amongst other strangers , told him that his Grace had sent him that token of his loue , to mend his commons , he kindly seemed to accept it , and humbly thanked his Grace , and the Gentleman that brought it : who being about to take his leaue , the Gentleman cald him back , and desired to heare of him , whether his Lordship had not withall sent him either bread to his fish , or Beare , or Wine ? Who answered him , not any of those . Then I pray you saith he , remember my seruice to your Lord , in a sheete suddenly ; and calling for Pen , Inke , and Paper , writ this disticke ,

Mittitur in disco Mihipiscis ab Archiepisco . Po non ponetur , Quia potus non mihi detur .

The messenger bearing the Note to his Lord , he called him backe againe , told him it might bee his Grace that could forget his friends , might perhaps not well remember his Latine , therefore intreated that he would stay to take the same lines interpreted into English , which were thus :

There was a fish , sent me in a dish , by an Archbis Hop shall not be there , because hee sent me no Beere .

118 Trusting for a reckoning .

ONe came into a Tauerne , Drawer saith he , wilt thou trust me for a Pottle of Wine till the next time I come ? Sir saith he , I must answere you in the same words , I will trust you for a Pettle of Wine , till I come againe : so brought it , and made him pay for it .

119. Strange beasts to be seene .

TWo pleasant fellowes comming by a Bartholmew Fayer , where amongst other shewes , diuers beasts were to be seene : as a Leopard , a Cat a Mountaine , and the like : either hauing no money at all , or that little they had being vnwilling to spend ; one asked the other how they might see these sights , and cost them nothing ? The other answered , follow mee , doe as I doe , say nothing and feare nothing . So comming to him that kept the doore , by your leaue Sir saith the first , and the other rushed in after him : so taking view of that was to bee seene ; saith one of them , where are these monsters which your painted cloth speakes of ? here saith the Keeper . Where saith the other ? why here saith hee . They hauing seene what they came for , a good iest ( saith the first ) indeed , come a way , doe not vse thus to make fooles of Gentlemen , and so went out of the Roome . Saith the Keeper looking after them , I perceiue these two be of that kinde of people that can see , and will not .

120. A Emperour of Rome .

A Emperour of Rome passing by the high way in great pompe , with his Nobility , and Gentry about him , two beggers sitting together , saith one of them , Oh how happy were that man ( saith the one of them ) whom the Emperour would bee pleased to make rich . Nay , answered the other , happy were that man whom God Almighty would bee pleased to make rich . This Caesar ouer-hearing , gaue charge to a Gentleman that was next him , that these two Beggars should attend him the next monow at Court . At these summons the poore men were in a most pittifull case , fearing they had spoke some treason to bring their liues in danger : but the next day appearing in Court , they were by the Emperours appointment brought into the great Chamber , where a Table being couered , two rich chaires were placed , and the two beggars in them , and before them two Pyes , made in all respects alike , the one full of Gold , the other hauing a baked Feasant , or some other fowle to serue for one meale : then were they bid to cast lots : the Pye with the Feasant fell fell to him that said , Oh how happy was he whom the Emperour would please to make rich , and the Pye of Gold to the other .

121. A Scotch Witch .

A Witch in Scotland , arraigned , conuicted , and condemned to bee burnt , being brought to the place of execution , and tyed to the Stake , and the Executioner ready to giue her fire , she casting her eye on the one side spide her owne , and onely sonne , a chubbed young fellow , and like the child to such a mother : Shee cals to him , and very earnestly with some acclamation , desires him to bring her any quantity of water , or any other liquor , were it neuer so small , to comfort her before her death , for shee was extreamely a thirst . At which he onely shooke his head . Shee still the more earnestly importunes him , saying , Why deare child , helpe mee to some drink , be it neuer so little , so it be any , I care not what it bee , for I am fearfull drie . To whom the young man answered , by no means deare Mother will I doe you that iniury , for the drier you are , the better you will burne .

122. A braggard .

A Terrible braggard boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch enemies at once , the one saith he , I tost so high in the ayre , that had he had at his backe a Bakers basket full of bread , though he had eaten all the way , he would haue beene starued in his fall , ere he would haue reacht the ground : and the other hee strooke so deepe into the earth , that he left him no more to bee seene aboue ground , but his head and one of his Armes , and these to no other end , then to put off his Hat to him , as he had occasion to passe that way .

123. The reuersion of an house .

ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen , ouerioyed with the obtaining of a suite , for saith he , they haue promised mee the lease of the next house that fals . To whom one standing by replyed , but had it beene my case I should haue petitioned for a house that stood .

A Mayor in the North

A Mayor of a corporation in the North , iust vpon the death of Queene Elizabeth , to an occasion to assemble his Brethren , and to make an Oration , what a good Queene they had lost : but wished them to take comfort , for Pompey , was dead , and Alexander was dead , and all the nine worldlings were dead , but none of all these was so good a Queene as shee . And moreouer saith he , in this — as Master Schoole-master calls it , where there are no Iustices of peace , and that no Officers haue any power , but Maiors , Coroners , and Constables , by reason of which many Seabaleroes take their opportunity to commit diuers outrages , and mutinies , hoping to scape vnpunished , but saith he , if all other Magistrates will take that strict order , that I purpose to doe , there shall none of them all haue the least hope of a resurrection .

125. A man lying sicke .

A Man lying very sicke , hauing his wife dead not long before , one came to him and counselled him to leaue off the cares of this world , and to thinke of a better place , whither saith hee doe you thinke my wife is gone ? no doubt said the other by the grace of God but she is in heauen , O saith he then I care not whither I goe , so I come not where shee is .

126. Of one Fowle a Gentleman .

ONe Fowle by name came vnto a great man in this Kingdome , with a petition , and hauing beene a long sutor was so importunate , that he stirred his patience so farre , that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a Woodcocke as hee was : at which the petitioner smiling , humbly thankes his Lordship , for doing him that present curtesie , the Lord turned backe , and thinking he had mockt , askt him what curtesie ? to which he answered his Lordship , truly my Lord , I haue knowne my selfe for a Fowle these fifty yeres , and vpwards , but never knew what fowle , till now that your Lordshippe resolued me : his answer pleased the Lord , and his suit was dispatcht instantly .

127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary .

A Yong Gentleman late come out of the Countrey , and not being well acquainted with London , being at an Ordinary , amongst many other Gallants , to whom he was a meere stranger , Gentlemen saith he , I must intreat you to take notice of an humour that I haue ; the truth is , if any man offer to touch the bread that I cut , and lay by my trencher , I presently stabb : some smiled , others lookt a little strangely vpon the businesse , till at length one Gentleman that sate next him , beganne thus ; I intreat you all likewise to take notice of another humour which I haue ; and it is this , I protest when I perceiue any man begin to stab , I stab againe , and looking him in the face , snacht his bread , and eate it .

128. A Welchman and a Cutpurse .

A Gentleman that had a Welchman waiting on him came to see a Play , and drawing his purse at the doore which was well furnisht with Crownes , was watcht by a Cutpurse , who dogd him , and tooke his seat close by him , the Welchman sitting behind his Master , obserued that whilst hee was seriously minding the sport , the Cheater had cunningly conuayed his purse out of his pocket , and was about to rise , when presently the Welshman without more words drawes out his knife , and with one slash cut off the Cheaters eare , who startling at the suddennesse of the act , and troubled with the smart , lookt behinde him , and askt him what hee meant by it ? The Welchman hauing his eare in his hand answered no harme done good friend , no harme done , giue hur Master hur purse , and I will giue hur , hur care .

129. A Gentleman and a Parson .

A Pleasant conceited Gentleman riding by the high way , in the companie of some friends , spyed a Parson of the Country before him , said , Gentlemen yonder is a Scholler , let vs mend our pace , and you shall heare me pose him with a question , and after a sleight salutation , Master Parson saith hee , I pray you can you resolue mee what part of speech is Qui mihi discipulus , yes Sir , I can , saith the parson , puer es cupis atque deceri , the words are so familiar that I hope they need no Interpreter .

130. Of Graue Maurice , and Marquesse Spinola .

IT is reported that when Marquesse Spinola came first with an Army into the Low-Countryes , that he sent word to Graue Maurice hee was now come somewhat neerer him , and purposed to sit as close vnto him as his Cassocke to his backe ; to whom hee returned this answer , that hee had often knowne when a souldier hath tooke a Merchants Cloake from his shoulders , but that a Merchant should plucke off a souldiers Cassock , he had seldome heard or neuer .

131. Of Bishop Gardiner .

I Haue read that Bishop Gardiner being deposed in King Edwards dayes , and sent to the Tower , a fellow meeting him in the way , in great derision saluted him with a low Congee , and bade him good morrow Bishop Olim , whose salutation hee returned in these few words , Gramercy knaue semper .

132. An vnhappy Vintners Boy .

TWo Diuines walking along the Towne , the end of the Lane which they should passe through was choaked with Carts , and the corner thereof being a Tauerne , and hauing one doore into the Lane , and another into the street , they made vse of the present , and as they past through , the boy at the barre seeing they called for no wine , Gentlemen saith he , is it your custome to goe thorow a Church , and not to say your prayers .

133. Playing with words .

A Diuine willing to play more with words , then to be serious in the expounding of his text , spake thus in some part of his sermon ; this Dyall shewes wee must dye all , yet notwithstanding , all houses are turned into Ale-houses : our cares conuerted into cures : our Paradice into a paire of Dice : our mariage to a merry age : our Matrimony to a matter of money : our Diuines into dry Vines : It was not so in the dayes of Noah , Ah no , &c.

134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant .

A Tenant had a horse , which many times lookt into his Landlords grounds , for no hedge nor ditch could stop him , but he would still feed where hee saw the best grasse , at length the Landlord sent word vnto his Tenant , that peremptorily if euer hee tooke his horse in his ground againe , he would cut off his taile . This word being brought vnto the Tenant , hee gaue the messenger this short answer ; My Landlord saith he , may doe his pleasure , but tell him againe from me , if he cut off his tayle , I le cut off his eares . The Landlord vpon this menace sueth him , and binds him to the peace and good behauiour , but when the cause came to bee decided , the Tenant pleaded that his Landlord had much mistaken him , for his answer reached no further then thus : That if his Landlord did cut off his horses tayle , he purposed to cut off his horses eares , and to make him crop-ear'd , as the other had made him cur-taild .

135. Of an old Beggar .

AN old Beggar in Cornwall liued till hee was aboue seuen score yeares , whose name was Ball : And being asked by many , what course he tooke to continue his life to that length of yeares : Hee would still make answer , he loued a cup of good Ale , and that he vsed to drinke continually , but of other Physicke hee neuer tasted any . The Beggar dying a witty gentleman of the Country made of him this Epitaph :

Heere Ball the quondam Beggar lyes , who counted by his Tale , Some seven score Winters and above , such vertue is in Ale . Ale was his meat , ale was his drinke Ale did his life deceiue , Ver could he still haue drunke his ale , he yet had beene aliue .

136. A rich man and a Scholler .

A Rich Citizen , whose house was often frequented by Schollers , demanded of one of them what was the reason why Aldermens and great Merchants threesholds were so often trod vpon by schollers ; and on the contrary part , why schollers Chambers were so seldome frequented by wealthy Citizens . He made him this answer : Because schollers know what they want , but rich men doe not . Another being asked how the learned differ from the vnlearned , replyed , In the same sort that horses which never felt the curbe or bridle differ from those that haue beene carefully brought vp and mannaged . Another demanded whether a beggar or a man illiterate or vnlearned wanted most ; It was answered , An ignorant man , because a beggar only wanteth money , but the other lacketh all things to a man belonging .

137. A Lawyer and a Diuine .

A Graue Diuine hauing a sute in Law , feed his Counsellour , who pleaded very eloquently in his behalfe , and caried the cause cleerly from the aduersary : The Church-man comming after to giue him thankes : The Lawyer somewhat proud of his successe , spake to him in this manner : Now Sir , what profit had you reaped by your Diuinitie , if my Rhetoricke had not helped you out of the Bryars , to whom he replyed and said , This profit I haue gotten by it , that I haue brought before you an honest cause ; And all the evidences alledged in my behalfe , are most iust and true .

138. Of Swimming .

AMongst other communication at the Table , there was discourse held concerning swimming , in which many excellent in that art were remembred : One of the company listning to their talke , Well my Masters saith he , you talke of swimmers , but for mine owne part I can swimme no more then a Goose .

139. Of a she-seruant that came to take her oath .

A Waiting Gentlewoman being summoned into a Court to take an Oath ( for she was serued in with a sub paena ) The Examiner asked how hee should write her downe : A Mayde , a Wife , or a Widow ? shee told him that hee should write her downe a Mayd , for shee neuer had had any husband . Hee finding her a prettie handsome smugge wench , asked her how old she was ; shee told him about the age of six and twentie : six and twentie ( saith he willing to sport with her : ) then take heed saith he , what you sweare , for you are now vpon your oath , and therefore , may I securely set you downe Mayd , being of those yeares ? The wench made a pause , and considering a while with her selfe : I pray you Sir saith shee , stay your hand a little , and write mee downe young woman .

140. Another Gentleman and a Parson .

A Countrey man ouer-taking a Parson , saluteth him with a how now blacke Coate ? Why blacke coate saith the Parson ? I vse to call all parsons so saith the other O Master Saunders , how doe you sir , saith the Parson ? Why Saunders , saith the other ? I vse to call all Iacks so , saith the Parson .

141. A Lawyer at the Barre .

A Lawyer pleading earnestly in behalfe of his client at the Bar , this case saith he is plaine , and hath beene warranted already by two great , and sufficient Lawyers ; the one of them is ( as wee make no doubt ) in heauen , the other ( meaning one that was then made a Iudge ) is at this time in an higher place .

142. The Tenant to an Archbishop .

A Simple man that was Tenant to an Archbishop , came to the Palace , to tender his rent , and by the Porter was directed to the Steward : to whom hee came , and told him that he had brought his Lordships worship some money for a certaine Cottage in which hee then dwelt . The Steward receiued it , but withall told him , that he must leaue out Worship , & put in Grace . But before the small summe was told , the Archbishop came through the great Hall , and demanded of the Steward what the Poore mans businesse was ? The Tenant preuented his answere , made two or three low legs , and began againe with , if it please his Worship : but the Steward prompting him , told him hee must say Grace . Must I , said the fellow , why then I will , and holding vp his hands began , The eyes of all things , &c.

133. Of a signe .

A Gentleman passing through a faire Towne , and spying at an Inne gate the signe of a blew Bore , but miserably , and most vnskilfully drawne ; rides into the middle of the yard , and cals aloud for some one to take money , downe comes the Chamberlaine , and asked his Worship what hee had had ? Had ( saith he ) nothing : but still importuned him to take money , for he is desirous to take view of the Monster to be seene . The fellow asked him what Monster ? Marry , that strange Monster saith he , whose picture you haue hung out to bee seene . Why sir saith he , you mistake your selfe , that is our Signe . Your Signe saith the Gentleman ? then I prethee let it hang there still for a signe that the Painter was an asse , and thy Master a Coxcombe who bought it .

144. Of a Translator .

ONe that had translated many books and Volumes , at length publishing the history of Suetonius Tranquillus in English , a pleasant Gentleman writ this distick :

Philemon with Translations doth so fill vs , He will not let Suetonius bee Tranquillus .

145. A Marriner in a storme .

A Young Marriner being in a great storme at Sea , and in the night when euery one had left their labours , and were at prayers , this fellow had nothing in his mouth , but oh that I could see but two Starres , or but one of the two : and of these words he made so often repetition , that disturbing the meditation of the rest ; at length one askt him what two Starres , or what one he meant ? To whom hee replyed , Oh that I could but see the Starre in Cheapside , or the Starre in Coleman streete I care not whether .

146. A desperate Saylor .

ANother desperate Saylor being in a ship that was accidently set on fire , & burning vnder them , when there was no hope of the life of any man of them , but to perish betwixt the two Elements of fire , and water , hee standing vpon the hatches , and is it so , saith hee ? Nay then some roasted , and some sod , and so desperately leapt into the sea .

147. A short Cloake .

A Gentleman spying one walke in a must pittifull short Cloake , saith to a friend that was then walking with him , Did you euer see a poore man weare his Cloake so short ? Oh there is helpe for that replyed the other , for I see by his countenance that hee can finde a way to weare it longer .

148. Of Wine .

ONe presented a Drunkard for his Newyeares gift , with these few lines :

Whil'st in my Pot or Glasse I keepe my Wine , I boldly dare presume that they are mine : But when the Pot I by the Glasse devoure , Being drunke , the Master in the seruants power . I haue not it , it hath mee , all I haue Is to bee made a prisoner to my slaue . What was my Vassaile , now I Idol call , For I before it must both kneele and fall .

149. A Welchman arraigned .

A Welchman arraigned , and conuicted , by the fauour of the Bench , hauing his booke granted him , when hee was burnt in the hand , they bid him say God saue the King . Nay saith he , God blesse my father and my mother , for had not they brought mee vp to write and reade , I might haue beene hanged for all the King .

150. Of Card-playing .

A Parson in the Countrey liuing among his Parishoners & neighbors wel , would sometimes at his retired hours for his recreation , play at Cards amongst them , for which he was much enuied of a Puritane Iustice , and the Officiall of the Diocesse . These meeting on a market day amongst the chiefe men of the Countrey where the Parson was there present , his two aduersaries began in the Ordinary openly to reproue him at the Table for prophane Card-playing , not sitting his Calling . Who hearing them with some impatience , and the rest attending how he could acquit himselfe , he thus began : Right Worshipfull , and the rest of my friend , I am here charged by Master Iustice , and Master Officiall to be a common Card-player : to which I answere , If all men would make that vse of it that I doe , it would seeme as pardonable as I shal make it appeare excusable in me : for mine own part , I neuer see an Ace , but I apprehend that vnity which ought to bee betwixt man and wife . If a Duce , the loue which should bee betwixt Neighbours . If a Tra , if two of my Parishioners bee at ods , how needfull a thing it is for a third person to reconcile them , and make them friend ; and so of the rest . Nor doe I looke vpon a king , but presently I apprehend the alleageance due to my Prince , and Soueraigne . Nor on a queene , but I remember her sacred Maiesty , and the reuerence belonging to her estate . Nor doe I cast mine eye vpon a Knaue , but he puts me in minde either of you Master Iustice , or you Master Officiall , or of some other of my good friends . The Iustice and Officiall were answered ; and the plaine honest Parson for his iest sake , both applauded and excused .

151. An Epitaph made vpon an honest Cobler . HEere lyes a Cobler that dwelt in the Strand , Who though he was still on the mending hand : Yet by the force of wind and weather , His sole was rent from his vpper leather .

152. Of a Gentleman visiting of his friend .

A Gentleman comming to giue his sicke friend a courteous visitation , found him extremly faint-hearted and wondrous timerous of death , insomuch that he grew much ashamed at his too much pusillanimity , especially in regard of the standers by : for hee had nothing in his mouth but ah , woe is mee , 〈…〉 no friend neere which will 〈…〉 rid me from this paine and anguish which I now suffer ? These words were iterated so often that the Gentleman drawing his sword with a menacing looke said , yes sir , you haue one friend yet left that for your sake will doe it , and withall aymed the point directly against his brest . At which proffer the sicke Gentlemen raising himselfe out of his bed , intreated him to stay his hand , for his desire was to be rid out of his paine , but not out of his life .

153. Of a Captaine that was to be arrested .

ONe Captaine Leonard Sampson well known about this towne , being indebted was way-layed by his Creditour , who had feed Sergeants to arrest him . These spying him in Cheapside , were stealing behind him thinking to clap him on the shoulders vnawares , which a Gentleman a friend of his espying , cryed out alowd vnto him and said , The Philistins bee vpon thee Sampson , at which words hee suddenly lookign backe , and espying the Catchpoles , drew his sword , and by that meanes escaped from the Arrest .

154. Of two knaves accusing one another .

TWo fellowes of notorious and bad liues , came to complaine at a publike Assizes one of the other , and ript vp so many cheats , vile pranks and mischieuous disorders , that both seemed exceeding bad , and hardly it was to be distinguished which was worse , vpon whom the Iudge gaue sentence , that the one should instantly depart the Realme , and that the other should as suddenly follow him , and see his sentence to bee strictly executed .

155. Of a Vintners boy .

TWo Divines passing through a Tauerne and calling for no wine , the Vintners boy seeing them , what saith he , two Preachers goe through the Church and not offer to say their prayers .

156. Of Augustus Caesar .

IT is reported of Augustus Caesar demanded a reward of him alleadging that by reason of his vertue and desert it was noised in the City hee had receiued great gifts of him already : but hee knowing him to be a man of words , without merit , returned him onely this answer , Well friend saith hee , whatsoeuer the city reports , I would wish thee not to beleeue it . A second , who had bin a Captain of the Horse , and being casheired from his Command petitioned vnto the Emperour , that in regard he had left his place , yet it would please him to allow him an annuall pension : which he did not desire for any profit or gaine , but saith he , to salue my reputation , that the world may not report that I forfeited my place by any insufficiency or negligence : but rather out of my freewill made thereof a voluntary resignation . To whom the Emperour made this answer : well honest souldier , doe not then spare to make report to thee a yearly pension , and if any one shall chance hereafter to question me about it , I will not deny but that thou hast one . A third ( being a yong Nobleman and called Herennius ) hauing through his misgouernment and disorder beene commanded to avoid the Campe , he earnestly besought the Emperor that hee would not doe vnto him publike disgrace . For Sir ( saith he ) if I be turned off with such disgraces I shall neuer dare to shew my face ; either vnto my Father , or any of my Noble kinsmen in Rome : For what shall I say vnto them ? why saith Augustus Caesar , say vnto them only this : that thou and I were at some difference , and in the deciding thereof , I lost thy countenance , and fauour . A fourth in a skirmish being strucke with a stone and wounded in the face , so that he was much disfigured , yet because hee bore that visible marke in his forehead , he thereupon grew insolent , boasting of what great acts of Chiualrie hee had performed in the warres ; which hee not sparing to doe in the sight of the Emperor , He thus derided his arrogance in these few words : Well Sir , ( saith hee ) Take heed how you looke backe againe the next time that you finde an opportunity to runne away from the battell . Another time , a Knight of Rome deceasing , who had the opinion to be a rich man , when the Executors came to examine his estate , it was found that he dyed , to the value of two hundred Crownes worse then nothing : and yet all his life time caried himselfe brauely and nobly : when this was reported to the Emperour , he sent to buy his quilt and mattrice , which vsed to lye vpon his bed ( for all his goods were sold at an out-cry ) one of his Noblemen demanding the reason thereof , He answered , onely for this cause , to sleepe quietly in the night . For no question there was some great vertue in these couerings , otherwise he could neuer haue rested to securely being indebted so much money . This was that Augustus who said , I found Rome made of Beech , but I hope to leaue it built of Marble , &c.

157. Of Diogenes .

DIogenes being taken Prisoner was brought into the Market place to bee sold for a slaue , who still as the Cryer made proclamation , who will by a slaue . He seconded him with a loud clamour , and asked what was hee that would buy a Master . A rich Cheffe made vp onely out of money bagges had built a wondrous beautifull house , with this Inscription vpon the great Gate ( which was the common entrance ) Let no evill thing enter here . Diogenes comming by and reading what was there inscribed , & knowing the man withall that built it , made inquiry of the neighbours , which wayes the man went into his house . A man of euill condition , asking him whether he thought there were any gods or no ? he answered , I must needs beleeue there are gods , because I confidently beleeue that thou art hated of them . Of a Prodigall whose estate he knew could not last long , hee begged an an Almes , and asked no lesse then according to account comes to fiue pounds : The yong Heire demanded of him what his reason was to craue so great a summe of money from him , when others had desired at once but an halfe peny : The reason is ( answered he ) because of others that spend sparingly , I am in hope to receiue againe , but of thee that art an vnthrift , I am afraid I shal neuer beg hereafter . To a fellow that had before beene foyled in wrastling and other exercises , and finding him now to practise Physicke ; He thus said , my friend , I doe much commend thy policy , for taking a safe course , to destroy these by Physicke , who haue disgraced thee by wrastling . To one that asked him what hee would haue to take a sound blow on the pate ; hee answered , an Iron Head Peece . To a wanton woman fitting in a stately Horslitter , hee said , truely another Cage would better become that load . And to another who demanded in what state it were best to marry a wife , hee answered , that for a young man it was too soone , and for an old man too late , &c.

145. Of a Country fellow and a Peere-tree .

A Country-fellow at Bartholomew Faire , comming through the Charterhouse in the Euening , chanced to finde a mellow peere , which some had scattered out of their pocket , and tasting it , looked vp vnto the great Elmes growing there , imagining it had fallen from thence . So well hee liked the tast of it , that hee layd by his Cloake , and with a Crabtree Cudgell which hee had then about him , he did so belabour the trees , that those which passed by wondered what hee meant , and asking him the reason , he told them , hee purposed onely to fill his belly from these Peere trees , for hee did not thinke there were the like in all his Countrey : They suffered him with some laughing till he had sufficiently tyred himselfe , and then bid him get ( like a foole as he was ) to his owne lodging .

259. Stratford vpon Auon .

ONe trauelling through Stratford vpon Auon , a Towne most remarkeable for the birth of famous William Shakespeare , and walking in the Church to doe his deuotion , espyed a thing there worthy obseruation , which was a tombestone laid more then three hundred years agoe , on which was ingrauen an Epitaph to this purpose , I Thomas such a one , and Elizabeth my wife here vnder lye buried , and know Reader I. R. C. and I. Chrystoph . Q. are aliue at this houre to witnesse it .

160. An old Goose .

HENRY the fourth King of France of late famous memorie , being vpon a long march where victuals at that time were very scarce , & he extreamely a hungred , at length an honest Gentleman brought a legge of a Brood goose carbonadoed : at which the King long tugging , and not able to pull it asunder . Mort die ( saith hee ) this is sure a limbe of that Goose , that in Cumellus his time by her gabling saued the Romane Capitoll .

161. An honourable Theefe .

AN Earle in times past in this kingdome , hauing made some prosperous voyages abroad , and returned with great prizes from the Spanyard : meeting with another yong Earle , who by his fathers death was newly come both to his Meanes , and Title : after some Noble gratulation , they fell in discourse of diuers Sea fights , and ships taken from the Enemy . At lengh , I wonder saith the souldier Earle , that your Lordship being of such remarke in the Court , and Kingdome , doth not for your greater honour vndertake in your owne person some Noble enterprise at sea against the common enemy the Spanyard , as I , and others haue done . To whom hee gaue this modest answere ; My worthy Lord , I thanke God , my Father was so carefull , that hee hath husbanded so my present Meanes , and fortunes , that I am able to liue of mine owne reuenues at home , without any need to goe theeuing abroad . Why my Lord saith he , doe you hold me to be a Theefe ? Oh yes , ( with pardon my Lord ) an honourable Theefe .

162. Of S P. Q. R.

A Iest touching these letters , S. P. Q. R. Senatus , Populusque Romanus . It so hapned that a new Pope being elected meerly for his deuotion , and austerity of life ; as vsing an extraordinary spare diet , and selseldome seene so much as to smile : Yet after his Inauguration comming to sit in Pontificalibus , hee vsed to feed high , to laugh heartily , and to countenance Iesters , and Buffoones to make him merry at his Table , which being obserued , one sets vp these foure words , being correspondent to the foure former letters : Sancte Pater quare rides ? Holy Father , why doe you laugh ? To which the next day was vnder writen , Rideo quia Papa sum , I laugh because I am Pope .

163. An Oppressour .

ONe told a great oppressour he might kill beggars by the law . The other asked him the reason ? He answered , because he was before hand in their number , for hee could not kill so many as hee had made before .

144. A writ Nose .

THere was a man whose Nose leaned more towards one side then the other . One disposed to play the wag with him , sir saith he , I know what your nose is not made of , and I know what it is made of , First , I will assure you it is not made of wheat . What then saith the other ? I will be iudge by all the company if it be not made of Rie .

165. Of vsury .

ONe bitterly railing against vsury , and extortion , made the sin equall with wilfull murther : but after vpon some vrgent necessity , comming to borrow money of one of his parishioners , desired to haue it for three moneths gratis . Who answered him , truely sir , if to lend money vpon vse be in your opinion as great a sinne as murther , to lend money gratis , in my conceit can be a sinne no lesse then manslaughter .

166. A Scholler and a Townsman .

ONe measuring a Scholler and a Townsman , the question was , which was the higstest ? The party hauing at that time in his hand a Pitchforke , thus answered ; When I had first set them backe to back , and after well considered them Brow to Brow , I found the Townsman to bee higher then the Scholler by thus much pointing to the tines .

167. Of an ignorant fellow .

ONe of the great stone letters fel from the top of Northampton house , and beat out a schollers braines . It hapned not long after that an honest good fellow that could neither write nor reade , ( for such was the vnhappinesse of his bringing vp ) being in the company of three or foure very ingenious Gentlemen , vpon the sudden breaks out into a deepe melancholly , and saith , Well , I thanke God , I can neither write nor reade . One of the rest smiling , replies , you speake strangely , for I thanke God , and so may the rest that are here , that wee can doe both . All 's one for that saith hee , yet let my selfe , and many Captaines , and other braue fellowes about the Towne ( naming a great many ) bee still thankfull that wee can doe neither . They asked his reason ? He gave them this satisfaction , because saith hee , wee can walke the streetes with that secutie that you booke men cannot . They desired him to expresse himselfe , saith hee , if one letter falling from the top of a great house had the power to knock out the braines of a scholler , what safety should we liue in , to be troubled with foure and twenty letters ? Now thanked be heauen , saith he , for as we haue nothing to doe with letters , so I see no reason why letters can haue any thing to doe with vs .

168. Anola horse .

A Horse being iudged to be past his best dayes , one seeing what he was likely to come to , replyed , that then hee was neere his dog dayes . It being further demanded how old he was ? The answere was made , that for this yeares he might very lawfully set his foote vnto a bond .

169. Fire and Toe .

ONe seeing a fellow warming his feet by a hot seacole fire ; my friend saith hee , what doe you meane to put fire and Toe together .

170. Borrowing of a Cloake .

A Poore decayed Gentleman , hauing pound or sold his Cloake ; came to another , to whom hee was knowne , and desired , ( knowing he was well furnisht ) to supply him with one , for two or three dayes whilst his owne came from dressing , and then hee would vndoubtedly returne it : the Gentleman answered him againe : that hee had not any spare Cloake , but such as belonged to one suite or another and to vnsuite his cloathes hee was loath : yet vpon his importunity , hee was content , to lend him a thinne stuffe Cloake , that belonged to a Summer suit , and that vpon promise , within two or three dayes , to restore it : but dayes , weekes , and months came , in which time hee neuer heard of the Gentleman , but some halfe a yeare after , it was his chance to meete him , in the midst of December , in a cold misty morning , with the same cloake vpon him , worne to the very threeds , and scarce able to hang vpon him ; which the other seeing , stayeth him , and challengeth him , vpon his breach of promise , and tells him withall , that in regard of the priuate cheate , hee will doe him a publike disgrace : & take his owne ( howsoeuer worth nothing ) wheresoeuer hee findes it , and so offers to pluck it from off his shoulders . The other desires him to forbeare , and tells him hee may doe more then he can answer . How saith hee , haue I not to doe with mine owne , what I please ? In this case ( answers hee ) you cannot . Giue me your reason , saith the creditor . Then thus , saith hee , when , I borrowed this cloake of you , I was a Protestant , but since am turned Roman Catholike , and comming to my confessor amongst others . I told him how vngratefully I had vsed you , concerning this poore garment , for which hee inioyned mee this penance , Hast thou said he , had the pleasure to weare this light Cloake all this warme Sommer ? then I command thee as a punishment , not to leaue it off for the space of this cold , and frosty winter , and so slipt away from him .

171. One begd for a foole .

A Knight , held to bee a very wiseman in his life , left behind him a sonne , and heire that was none of the best witted , to inherit his Land : who was begd for a foole , and summoned into the court of Wards for his answer : when question was made vnto him , what hee could say for himselfe , why his lands should not be taken from him , hee said , It is reported , that my father was a wiseman , and begott a foole to inherit his estate after his death , who can tell , him that I a foole , may beget a wiseman to inherit after me his answer carried it , and he , and his remaine in possession of the same reuenues vnto this day .

172. A Traueller drowned .

A Traueller reported to be drowned , a friend of his being in company , when the letters came , that brought the first newes of his death : fetcht a great sigh , with these words , God rest his soule , for he is gone the way of all flesh . Nay saith another than standing by , if hee be drowned hee is rather gone he way of all fish .

173. A Knight of Italy .

A Knight of Italy sitting downe to a feast , and seeing two ancient neglected gentlemen standing by , ( who had beene great souldiers ) whilest the youngmen disposed of themselues , at the table , hee instantly rose from the table , and to the rest of the guests said , Most iustly ought wee to afford these Gentlemen places whereon to sit , for had they not beene in such a great battle against the Turke , we had not at this time , had any thing whereof to eate .

174. A Gentleman boasting of his wit .

A Young Gentleman , being at an ordinary was boasting exceedingly of his trauells , adding withall that he spent three yeares abroade in forreigne Countries , and liued without any Exhibition from his parents , and friends ; or any supply from his Country : But meerly by his owne naturall wit , to whom another answered , truly sir , I thinke neuer any trauelled at a more easie rate .

175. A Iustice and a Baud.

A Notorious Baud being brought before a Iustice of Peace , for many leud demenours , but especially for keeping a common brothell house , was examined of diuerse particulars , all which she obstinately denied , though there were proofes sufficient , apparantly to conuict her , which the Iustice hearing , Well , huswife saith he , you keepe a common brothell house , & I will mainetaine it . Marry I thanke your good worship saith shee , for such a support I haue great need of .

176. Of a Citizen , and a Gardeners Boy .

A Rich tradesman in the City , tooke a Summer house in the country , with a faire Garden land Orchard , amongst many other plants , one was commended vnto him , which as yet had neuer borne any fruit , the Citizen gaue the gardiner a great charge , that when the time of the yeare came , hee should bee carefull to saue the Apples that came of it , in regard the graft was commended vnto him by so especiall a friend , the gardiner did so , and sent them to London by a young lad his son , who presented them being 3 in number , to his Master & Mistris , they seeing them look so louely , presently fell to eating them , he one & she another : the boy looking wishly vpon them , and shee obseruing it , I pray you husband giue the one Apple to the boy , for he may long : which hee did , the boy presently drawes his knife to pare his Apple before he eates it , the Gentlewoman noting it ; askt him why he did not eate it as they did with the skin on , marry quoth he , if please you , one of the three slipt out of my hand by the way into the dirt , and this may bee it for ought that I know .

177. An old Vicar .

AN old Vicar in Lancashire , that read prayers in a Chappell of ease , hauing but one sonne , bred him in the vniuersity , whose name was Iohn , who profited well , proued a graduate : and was made minister : who comming home in a vacation to see his father , was requested by the parishioners to bestow a Sunday Sermon on them , who willingly assented , and comming into the pulpit , and reading his text , I Iohn saw the new Ierusalem , his father heareing him , presently starts vp , and said aloud , beleeue him not my good neighbours , for he is a young lying knaue , he was neuer in Ierusalem , no further then Cambridge in all his life , but one iogging him on the elbow , said , peace Master Vicar for shame , will you not giue him leaue to read his text ? Oh was it his text saith he , nay then let him proceed a Gods name .

178. Two Debawsht fellowes .

TWo debawsht Fellowes , proposing diuerse courses how to liue ; saith one , my purpose is to keepe a Tobacco shop : How wilt thou come by Tobacco , and pipes , saith the other ? why saith he , I will goe vpon the ticket . But saith hee , how wilt thou doe for a shop ? Marry saith he , I haue iust so much money , as will serue for earnest ; and I will take one by the quarter . How wilt thou doe saith his friend , to pay the rent ? hee beginning to answer , that when the quarter day comes , the other preuenting him , saying , then lay the Key vnder the doore , no answered hee againe , I haue bethought me of a farre better course , I wil according to the old Prouerbe , put my pipes in my bag and so get me away .

179. A lame Horse .

VPon a Friday in Smithfield one willing to put off a lame Horse , and therefore not willing to haue him rid ; had tied him by the Bridle to the Railes , a chapman liking the Nag came somewhat neare his price , because the seller warranted him sound of wind and limbe , but before hee would part with his money , desirous to see what metall hee had , hee rid him vpon the Stones , and perceiued the poore Iade to halt downe right , at which the Chapman vexing , asking the other if hee was not ashamed , to put a lame vnseruiceable Iade vpon him , and warrant him sound . To whom the other answered , I assure you hee is as sound , as any Horse in England , but that it was your fortune to try him when his foote was a sleepe .

180. A Woman , and her Husband .

IN the time of auricular confession , a woman who not without cause , was Iealous of her husband , came to the confessor to enquire of him , whether at any time hee had reuealed any such thing in his confession : and preuailed so farre with him , by vow of concealment , that hee told her , that if within some few dayes , after his next comming to confession , hee presented her with cloath to make her a new gowne , as in the way of recompence for some iniury before done her , she might apprehend some thing , but more then that shee could not get from him . The woman well conceiuing as it was , found as hee had told her , that her good man presented her with a new gowne , and after many faire , and flattering words , Sweet wife saith hee , how dost thou like the cloath ? she conceiuing how the busines went , marry so well my most deare and louing husband , that I vow ere many dayes goe ouer my head to prouide you a cloake out of the same peice .

181. A Townesman and a Scholler .

A Townesman in one of the Vniuersities with his companions on one side of the way , a company of Schollers were on the other , both being within hearing at such a time , as a droue of Oxen was to passe betwixt them , when one of the Townesmen according to his wit thought to tosse a iest among them , said , Those that come yonder seeme to be schollers by their long tailes . To whom the schollers replyed , But they appeare to bee Townesmen by their high foreheads .

182. Of fiue Vintners .

FIue Vintners riding into Kent , to be merry , vpon horses hyred or borrowed , in their return comming through Greenwich , they alighted at the Tauerne next to the bridge , and there fell a healthing so long , till it grew towards night , one tumbling on a bed , another sate drowsie in a chaire , onely one stood stiffely to it , and told them plainly if they would not get vp and take horse hee would leaue them there , be instantly gone , and commend them to their wiues at London : but they all agreed to stay there that night , to set vp their horses , and to take the benefit of the morning . With this answere away goes he . It being now growne darke , and he keeping the Londoners pace a tantiuie : it hapned that within a little of Debtford , a dead horse lay full in the way , iust of the same colour of that on which hee rid . His liue horse stumbles at the dead , both are ouerthrowne , but the foure legs being nimbler then the two , gets vp first , and away he plods onward his iourney towards London . The Vintner much bruised with the fall riseth with difficulty , and curseth his lade , and gropes in the darke if it be possible to find him , and lights vpon the dead one , kicks to rouse him vp , but all in vaine , he will not stirre . The poore man in this perplexity is almost at his wits end : but spying a Candle some Bowes shoot before him , he makes towards it , and within a little space finds himselfe within Debtford , there he enquires for a Farrier or a Smith , they direct him to his house . But Vulcan had got a cup in his pate , and was gone to bed , he is earnest to haue him rise : but the Smith will not by any meanes , vnlesse hee will giue him a crowne in hand , which is done . Vp gets the Smith , cals his man to carry a Candle , and Lanthorne , he tels him all his misfortune by the way , and directs him to the place of his distaster , intreating him to vse all the art he can in the recouery of his horse , being but hyred . By this time they come to the sad spectacle , the smith lifts at his head , & his man at the taile ; but finding no motion , giue him ouer as lost . The Vintner looking sadly vpon the businesse , fetcheth a great sigh , and saith , whilst I haue beene knocking vp the smith , some body hath stolne away my bridle and saddle . Back to the Towne goeth he with the Farrier and his man , resoluing to sit vp that night , and to comfort himselfe with a cup of good Ale , to which the Smith brings him , where I leaue them potting together , and from thence looke backe to Greenwich . The morning comes , where my late drousie Vintners are fresh , and stirring , and gallopping through Debtford , are spyde by their fift companion , who cals after them , they wonder to see him there , and askt if he had done their commendations to their Wiues , hee intreats them to leaue off their iesting , and tels them all the former circumstances of his last nights misfortune : some laught at him , others lament with him , according their seuerall humours , and with this discourse he on foote , and they on horsebacke haue left the Towne a mile behinde them , when one of them casting his eye of the one side , spyes a horse brideled and sadled , browsing on the hedge , and saith withall , is not that the beast you rid on ? He dares not acknowledge him . That is sure the same Saddle & Bridle saith another , or very like them , but hee hath scarce faith to beleeue it . At length all of them agree , that both horse & furniture are the same , but he can hardly be wonne , being sure to pay for one , to hazzard the danger of stealing another . But at length they preuaile with him , vp hee mounts , the Stirrops fit him and deliuering him at the stable from whence he hyred him , is by the owner acknowledged for the same .

183. Two striuing for the Wall .

TWo Gentlemen meeting , the one iustled the other from the wall , and had almost made him to measure his length in the Kennell , who by much a doe hauing recouered himselfe , came vp close to him , and askt him whether he were in iest , or in earnest ? He told him plainly , that what hee did , was in earnest . And I am very glad you haue told me so , for I protest I loue no such iesting saith the other . By which words hee put off the quarrell .

184. The answer of a Doctor .

A Worthy Doctor of Cambridge amongst many other charitable deedes done in his life time , at his owne charge made a faire causey or high way some mile in length , to the great benefit of the Countrey ; and being one day there in person to visit the labourers , and to see how the worke went forward , it hapned that a Nobleman riding that way by chance , and knowing him , gaue him a kinde salutation ; but withall thinking to breake a iest on him , Master Doctor saith hee , for all your great charge and paines , yet I beleeue not saith hee that this is the high way to Heauen . I am of your minde in that my Lord , replyed the Doctor , for if it were , I should haue wondred to haue met your Lordship here .

185. A Horsecourser .

ONe comming into Smithfield on a Friday market , call'd to a Horsecourser aloud , and said , I prethee my friend , how goe horses to day ? To whom hee answered , marry as you see , some amble , some trot , and some gallop .

186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King .

KIng Iames being a hunting and very earnest in his sport , a Countrey fellow crost it , in so much that the dogs were at a losse : At which the King being extreamely angry , drew his Skeine , and rides after the man , with all the speed he possibly can . Who perceiuing the King to pursue him in his anger , cryed out aloud , I beseech your Maiesty to pardon me , for I haue no desire to be knighted yet : and this hee spoke so often , that hee turned the Kings rage into laughter , who bid him to ride fast enough , and farre enough and bee hang'd , for he better deserued a halter , then to be knighted .

187. Women Writers .

ONe asking a question why women either all , or the most part , when they learne to write , practise Romane hand , It was answered him againe , that it stood with great reason , for he had neuer heard of any woman , that made good Secretary .

188. A Country fellow at a Gentlemans Table .

A Country fellow being admitted to a Gentlemans table , fell vpon the Artichokes at lower end , and eating the burres was almost choakt , saith one that sate nere him , friend why are you busie with them so soone , being a dish reserued for the last , to whom hee answered as well as he could speake , Marry I am of your minde , for I thinke they are the last dish that ever I shall taste of .

189. Of curtaling names .

A Gallant about this Towne , that was admitted into the company of the prime , and choicest Gentlemen , vsed to curtall their names , and onely to call them Robin , Will , Iack , Dick , and Tom , and being asked why he was so familiar with men of that ranke and quality , to giue them no better attributes and titles , answered it is my humor , and I vow withall , that if the King should call mee Iacke , I would call him Charles by the grace of God .

190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen .

A Gentleman whose name was Apollo , being very low of stature , but richly conceited , comming into anothers Chamber whose name was Master Towers , and finding him absent , who because hee was a big man , and looking vpright vsed an affected gate , finding paper , pen , and inke there , writ this hexameter ,

Interris habitas sed non in turribus altis .

The other comming in , and knowing the hand , sent him the same line with another vnderwritten .

Die quibus in terris , & eris mihi magnus Apollo .

190. A Knight and his man .

A Gentleman hauing a Seruingman , who vsed still to ride with his head in his bosome , for which he had often checkt him , but neuer made him reforme it , vpon a time riding to a Noblemans house not far of about some vrgent busines , whilst the Master was busie with the Lord in his Chamber , the Gentlemen had got the man into the Cellar where they had giuen him as much drinke as his skin would hold : in the Interim his Master hauing dispath this businesse , came suddenly and called his man to get his horse ready , which he did , in the way home the Master obseruing that contrary to his former custome he rid vpright with his chin almost leuell to his nose , askt him the reason why now more then at other times hee rid bolt vpright ; Marry Sir saith he , if you will needs know , it is to keepe in my drinke .

191. A Doctor of Physicke , and a Serving man .

ONe thinking to put a trick vpon an excellent D. of Physicke , had mingled with the water in his Vrinall the powder of a brick batt , which settled to the bottom shewes like red grauell , that comes from the kidneyes , he shewes it to the Doctor , and tells him that it was his Masters water , who lay in grieuous paine , desiring his Worships counsel , what would giue him some ease , the Dr. chafed it vp and downe , and tried it by the fire ; In conclusion found out the fellowes knauery , and cunningly closing with him , my friend saith he , wouldst thou haue my counsell to preuent this terrible disease which is growing on thy Mr ? yes sir saith he , that was the cause of my comming to your Worship . Then tell him , replyed the Doctor , all that I can prescribe him at this time , is that he eate no more Artichokes , and at that word , broke the Vrinall vpon his pate , and so left him .

192. One that parted a Fray .

ONe parting a Fray was cut into the skull , and comming to be drest , as hee was searching the wound , saith he , here is a dangerous Orifice , your pery-cranium is pierced , so that one may plainly see your braines beat , I doe not beleeue that saith the patient , for had I had any braines at all , I should neuer haue beene so mad , as to haue come betwixt them to part the Fray .

193. A bargaine in Smithfield .

A Pleasant fellow willing to put off a Lame Horse , rid him from the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate , to the Sunne in Holburne , neere to Fullers Rents , and the next day offering him to sell him in Smithfield , the buyer asking him , why he looked so leane . Marry no marvell answered hee , for but yesterday , I rid him from Sunne to Sunne , and neuer drew bridle .

194. An Vsurer dying .

AN Vsurer being dead , was opened , and found without a Heart , at which the standers by as well as the Surgeon wondered , but none could giue a reason of the Prodegie , at length saith one of the Executors , it may bee his heart now hee is dead , is where it was when he was liuing , and looking in his Chest where his money lay : they found it there .

195. A Doctor and a Scholler .

A Doctor of the Vniversity being of more standing then learning , being at Dinner in the Hall , and hearing a fellow Commoner speake lowder than the rest , calls to a Iunior Scholler that waited , and said goe to that Gentleman from me , and tell him Vir sapit , qui pauca loquitur , which being delivered him , commend me saith hee , to M. Doctor , and tell him that I say Vir loquitur , qui pauca sapit , which inversion lest it be iustly asperst on me , here I set my period .

FINIS .