A discourse, betvveene Vpright the shoomaker and Master Pattent, the smith Both meeting on the horse exchange in Smithfield, on the 20. day of Aprill 1639. Ne sutor vltra crepidam. By T.J.

VPRIGHT . AND PATTENT . Pattent

WHether in such hast Mr. Upright ; you looke as if you did not know me .

Upright .

I doe indéed Sir , yet I am perswaded I have séene you ; and now I thinke on t , t was at the Sessions house .

Pattent .

Right Sir , my name is Pattent ; I endited Mr. Chambergaine for receiving of Inmates :

Upright .

I perfectly remember you good Mr. Pattent ; how go s trading with you now , I am afraid wée shall have a dead time on 't , you have little to doe I thinke ; when Summer comes Pattents grow out of date .

Pat.

You are in the right sir , and which is worss , the City had rather goe wet shod then have them brought vp againe

Up.

Say you so , troth I cannot much blame them , for to say truth , you have not made them set viceable for the Common wealth , you have onely a respect to your private gaine Master Pattent , you got sweetly for the time they lasted .

Pat.

By your savour Master Vpright , now you talke of deceit in Trading , I must tell you your owne too : did you never vent Calves Leather for Neate , and oftentimes for Spanish to some ignorant Customers : nay now you tell me of vnserviceable ware , how many of the Kings Subiects have you put in the stockes without authority not vagranto and Beggars , but Gentlemen . Marchants , Citizens , with their wives and aughters .

Vpright .

I vnderstand your wit : you meane that I have made their shooes too little for them .

Pat.

Yes sir ,

Vp.

They had better be in the Shoomakers stacks , then be so gauled by Pattents as they have béene .

Pat.

I doe not thinke but you have drankt your Mornings draught in Wormewood Béere Mr. Vpright .

Vpright .

Why ?

Pat.

You fall so bitter vpon me :

Vp.

I shall be bitterer ere we part Master Pattent .

Pat.

Doe thy worst Shoomaker .

Vpright .

No no no , not the worst neither : The best I have to tell you will make you made enough , doe you remember when you were Constable Master Pattent , when you tooke me in your watch on Crispine and Crispianus Night , and carried me to the Counter .

Pat.

Ha ha ha , yes I doe , I doe .

Vp.

Doe you laugh at it .

Pat.

Yes saith , I remember you went beyond your Last then .

Vpright :

I remember thou wer't the troublesom'st tyrannicall Constable that ever knock'd down iniquity with a painted staffer Thou would'st have a finger in every mans businesse , thy very name was hatefull , if they did but heare of Pattent they were danted , thou hast had a pernicious wit , or else thou could'st never overcome Scriveners and Brokers , they have curst thée sufficiently , the low Country Butter-boxes wished tenne hundred thousand funne of Devill take thee , because they were forced to waight for Butter till you brought the transporters to composition : And what had your Loggerhead to doe with Mr. Logwood the Dyer ; thou wilt vndertake to teach people to dye well , and thy selfe could'st never live well .

Pattent .

Very good .

Vp.

Not very had sir , t is you I am talking off , doe you heare Pattent , the Spanish Marchant Don tobacco vowes a revenge vpon thée , and I much feare he will take thy life : for he sayes he will send his two Factors , Verinus and Mandungus to stifle thée .

Pattent .

The devill he will , they are from him already man he hath put them to boord in blind Ale-houses .

Upright .

No matter , ther 's more wayes to kill a Dog then hanging of him .

Pattent .

A Dogge you Dunstable .

Vpright .

Yes you payer Kite , and now I talke of hanging , there could not be so much as the hangmans office to sell but Tyburne , and the rest of his kindred must allow you a pention for it .

Pattent .

So , so , so , can Saint Hugh and his bones protect you to talke thus liberally Shoomaker .

Upright .

Oh yes , yes , yes , thou giv'st me authority , I know I may talke fréely by patent my friend :

Pattent .

It was Master Patent .

Vpright .

I that was when you traded in shéepskins and Lambskins oh thou wer't a precious Woolfe in Lambskinne .

Pattent .

You will answer all this , will you not .

Vpright .

No , I scorne it , I beléeve I have spoke more then thou canst answer .

Pattent .

But heark ye goodman Shoomaker .

Vpright .

Goodman Shoomaker , I deny and defie the title . I am a Gentleman , my gentility is of Antiquity , thou art an Vpstart ; Shooes were made when thy villanous Pattenis were not thought on .

Pat.

Well I may chauce shortly brew a little Worme wood for you .

Vp.

Brew say you , you have brewed for vs already I thanke you , all the Gentlemen Cordwayners in St. Martins doe wish but to have the browning of thée for abusing the Brewers : which hath made them abuse vs and send vs inchanted small Beere in stead of strong , before you had a hand in the Brewhouse we could have old English beere would makes all madde before Munday noone , now t is so small we can scarce get drunke by Tuesday Night , a whole tunne of our béere will scarce for a Dutchman : this you have done good Master Pattent .

Pat.

Shall I be blam'd for this , I thinke I did the Common wealth a great deale of good to kéepe it sober .

Vp.

I thou art a necessary member for in kéeping of them from being drunke , thou mak'st them mad , as I run a Shoomaker and frée of the Cordwainers , every prentize , I had came home sober last Shrovetuesday night : It was not so I am sure when I was a Lad :

Pat.

Hay , hay ?

Vp.

Yes and straw to , you put me well in mind on 't , the horses that had béen well bred and pamper'd in the Country , and had their allowance of hay fréely , and lay at racke and manger , eat what they would ; now they are srinted : how many pound of hay is there in a Load Mr. Pattent .

Pat.

I cannot tell ?

Up.

Wée must buy hay for our horses as we buy sigs by the pound doe you beléeve when you waighed Hay that Iustice held the States .

Pat.

I sée you will have License ?

Vp.

Not from you Iack straw , vnlesse you were in office againe :

Pat.

Iacke straw ?

Vp.

I prethée answer me to one question and he just with me to a strawes breadth ?

Pat.

Declare your wit ?

Up.

How many ounces of straw goes to the littering of a Mad man a yeare in Bedlam .

Pat.

'T is a madde question ?

Up.

I that 's true , I know who I speake to .

Pattent .

Why doe you count me for a Mad-man .

Vp.

No for a wise man : and a man that hath had experience i th mistery , this is no question for a Mad-man to answer :

Pat.

It séemes your conversation is altogether with wise acres : was it not you that asked the silly question once ; whether Red-herrings came out of the red Sea or no.

Vp.

No but it was you that made men pay as deare for them , as if they came from thence , I wonder you had nothing to doe with dainty blote herring , blote , blote , or dryed Sprats ; I beléeve you had something to doe with Gudgeons , though thy selfe art as miserable now as poore Iohn was ▪ is it not you that one Lent endited a poore man of Felony for frying of Bacon .

Pattent .

Of Fellony ?

Vpright .

Yes of Fellony , and you would néeds justifie it with an Act of Parliament , which when one looked on it which had better eyes , it was not frying of Bacon , but flering a Beacon .

Pattent .

Ha ha ha .

Vpright .

Doest thou laugh at thy owne ignorance , doe you heare Patent , did I never know you a Dunghill Raker .

Pat.

I a Dunghill raker , ye Pantoffle .

Vp.

I cry you mercy Sir , you did onely rake them that raked Dunghills , looke too 't , for there is an army comming against thee , whose weapons are strong yron hookes ; the Captaine of them is Tattardemalion Tagragg : those that be vnder his command I shall nominate to thee . Britch bottome out , Ralph Parch and stitch , Will worke and fast , Hadge Leather Scrap , Sam Scrape and take , Daniell Dunghill Worke.

And a great many more out of my memory at this time that have made vp a ragged Regiment and vow no more to be obedient to thy authority Moreover the Hop Marchants have an intent . on to marry all the female Bonelace makers , and get Children to fortifie themselves against thee they say if thou dost but come amongst their hops againe , they will scarce leave thee a leg to hop away vpon , and the Bonelace makers have taken such spirit against thée , that in stead of Bone-Lace thou shalt returne with laced bones , and take my word Pattent , thou hadst better be in the middle of English pikes , then amongst their Spanish néedles .

Pat.

Doe you hold any confedrase with this lawlesse faction Mr. Vpright that you can so well tell the manner of the revenges they will execute vpon me .

Vp.

I promise thée I doe not thinke but they will burne thee when all comes to all , and ther●s an end of Pattent .

Pat.

It must be some of your female Bone-lace makers then , I care not a button for the rest of the Rebellions .

Up.

Don't you care a button ? Master Panyer in Hoope Ally will make you care a button , why thou Iack in a boxe , could'st not thou be content to gaine Authority omongst the Buttonmakers of Amsterdam , where the sisterhood might have payed thee tribute ; besides Buttons for thy bréeches .

Pat.

Yes when their breeches make buttons , have I lived after that rate to goe secured among Precisians you vagrants .

Vp.

Among Precisians you puppie , what néed you confine your selfe to one Sect when there is so much division amongst them .

Pat.

That 's all one , they hold the greatest sway who care no more for knocking a mans braines out in zeale , or for the good of the common cause : then I for philiping a flie to death , I would not be within the jurisdiction of new England for a million .

Vp.

Nay I thinke thou hadst better be in the great Maguls Countrie :

Pat.

Or have béen Page to Sir John Mandevill , I should hope to returne with more security .

Vp.

Well , but now we have béen in Amsterdam , New England , and Magoll ; let vs returne to old England againe , where there is many honest men will welcome you home , one Mr. Cipres .

Pat.

Oh the Hathand maker .

Up.

Then there s another one Mr Kitling .

Pat.

A fiddle string maker ?

Vp.

Master Clay :

Pat.

A Tobackopipe maker ?

Vp.

Master Glasse Eyes .

Pat.

A Spectacle maker ?

vp .

Master Curry :

Pat.

A Combmaker ?

Vp.

Doe you heare Pattent cannot you dance all trades , how many Halls have you béen free of :

Pat.

What s that to thée ?

That is a question all men aske when they are ashamed to give an answer .

Pat.

Ashamed ?

vp .

Did I say thou wert ashamed :

Pat.

'T was your pleasure ?

vp .

Give me thy hand I am sorry for it , I cry thée mercy I tooke my markes amisse : I le give thee thy due for that efaith I thinke thou wert ever shamelesse , have I hit the Naile on the head now Smith , are you pleased :

Pat.

You have spoken all ?

vp .

Not all , but I am drawing to an end ?

Pat.

Would thou hadst spoke thy last once ?

vp .

I shall vexe thy soule first Sirrah , vnlesse thou canst come off with good Language , thou wilt suffer many Deaths in one , the Hatband maker will choake thée or strangle thée with Cipres , the Gut string maker will make strings of thy Guts which will cozen the Fidlers most abhominably , for they will never stand in Tune , the Tobackopipe makers , Spectacle makers , and Combe makers , will compound with the Dicemakers for thy bones to make falce Dice with , and that 's a way to make thée as mischievous in thy Death as thou wer 't in thy lifetime , and if thy Bones prove so deceitfull , we may very well turne the tother end of an old Proverb , what was bred in thy flesh will never out of thy bones .

Pat.

I have heard you , and doubt not the worst their mallice aymes to inflict vpon me , I have ere this my tragedy he brought to passe , contriv'd a meanes to worke revenge on them .

Vp.

Declare , I shall be glad to heare it , I always had an itching desire to mischiefe as well as thou :

Pat.

Thus then , I will bring up a fashion amongst some of our temporising gallants to forsake the wearing of hatbonds , we will have all our fiddle strings from Rome and Venice , and as I am a Smith . I have a conceit to make yron tobacko pipes and steele Combes , and our old men when they once grow dimme sighted , shall have their writings read to them .

Vp.

I this is prety well , but not in your power to perfect , this is a harder project vpon them , then the first you had , it will be a hard matter to draw the humours of the whole Kingdome to these fashions : besides your yron worke will doe no good , for we have many phantaslike Company kéepers that onely take Tobacko to breake the pipes , and shall we be beholding to other Nations for fiddle strings or combe our heads with Horse Combes . Besides ther 's a strange conceit indéed that all old men should have their writings read to them , 't is enough to vndoe halfe the old men in the Kingdome , their Mistresses shall not send to them letters of commendation , or places of new 〈…〉 mieting , but they must be enforc'd to have their wives to read them , and what inconveniency that would bring , doe but judge : No no , this will not doe Mr. Pattent , I am a little in hast , I thinke it be dinner time , I will onely give you one item more and then i 'le leave you to your owne direction , were you never acquainted with one Mr. Fortune .

Pat.

Yes , yes , a Horner .

Vp.

Ware horns , take héed of him are you marid .

Pat.

What of that ?

Vp.

Take héed of him , that is all ; I speake as a Friend .

Pattent .

Friendly councell .

Vpright .

It is so , then doe not you know Mr. Kill Cow .

Pat.

Yes the Butcher .

Vp.

The very same , he hath a great many friends abroad , so hath Ball his Dog , be sure you goe not through field lane , Newgate market , Butcher row , St. Nicholas shambles , East Cheape , or Southwark , there is wait laid for thée in all these places , and if they meet thee thou wilt be stucke fuller of Skuers then a Surloyne of roast beefe at Christmas is stucke with Rosemary : And by all meanes come not neare the Beare garden for wares and Dogs are friends and all agrée , on thée to act a bloody Tragedy .

Pat.

Well sirrah , you are a vailing fellow , I 'le talke no more to you ?

Vp.

One cold word more good Master Pattent .

Pat.

But sirrah why doth these things trouble you so much ?

Up.

I tell thée my name is vpright , my nature is like vnto my name , and I defie such juggling in a Common-wealth , it makes my honest countrymen beg , in a land of plentie ; I have somthing to say to you ( now I consider Christmas is so neare ) concerning Cards , what new game have you set a foot , that the knave of Dyamonds doth cozen the king of Hearts and all his Subjects to the very Ace , y' are a sure Card sirrah , when Pattent deales , all the rest doe but hold Cards .

Pat.

Why not , why I tell thée I will cozen my Father at Cards .

Vp.

Prethée doe not sweare ile belée ve thée , the Father quoth he , I the Father of thy Country — you are going now , you doe not love to heare of your faults , I haue onely one thing more to say to thée , & then fire or the Iakes consume thée .

Pat.

I thanke you sir , spit out your spléene , what is your next venome ?

Vp.

No venome vpon my credit , now I have laid open thy soule inside , I will give thée a purge that is with Soape :

Pat.

With Soape ?

Vp.

With Sope , I with Sope , that was a purge déere enough as you order'd it , all the good Huswifes in London , and those that take a pride in cleane linnen , have an intention to wash thée cléere from all thy former villanies ; but I am a fraid they will doe no good vpon thee , they will be enforced at last to hang thee vp for the signe of the Labour in vaine , which is the end I bequeath thée too , and though I am no Barbar good Mr. Pattent , I must leave you i th suds at this time , for I have talk'd my selfe weary , my shop Iournimen and prentises expect me , if you have any thing to say to me , you know St. Martins , I will not change my house now the world is in hope of reformation . So good even swéet Master Pattent .

Pat.

Farewell sir ?

And though these things I can no longer thrive by , Hang him that wants , who hath all Trades to live by . And so Master Patten , Pray learne this martin , The seat which you sat in , In your furs and your satten Must now be forsaken , Your knavery is taken , And toth Devill removed . Your dearly beloved . FINIS .