Every Man out of his Humor

Euery MAN OVT OF HIS HVMOVR . A Comicall Satyre . Acted in the yeere 1599. By the then Lord CHAMBERLAINE his Seruants .

The Author B. I.

Non aliena meo pressi pede ‑ * si propius sles , Tec apient magis ‑ * & deries repetat● 〈◊〉 .

LONDON , Printed by W. Stansby for I. Smithwicke .

1616

TO THE NOBLEST NOVRCERIES OF HVMANITY , AND LIBERTY , IN THE KINGDOME : The Innes of Court .

I Vnderstand you , Gentlemen , not your houses : and a worthy succession of you , to all time , as being borne the Iudges of these studies . When I wrote this Poeme , I had friendship with diuers in your societies ; who , as they were great Names in learning , so they were no lesse Examples of liuing . Of them , and then ( that I say no more ) it was not despis'd . Now that the Printer , by a doubled charge , thinkes it worthy a longer life , then commonly the ayre of such things doth promise ; I am carefull to put it a seruant to their pleasures , who are the inheriters of the first fauour borne it . Yet , I command , it lye not in the way of your more noble , and vse-full studies to the publike . For so I shall suffer for it : But , when the gowne and cap is off , and the Lord of liberty raignes ; then , to take it in your hands , perhaps may make some Bencher , tincted with humanity , reade : and not repent him .

By your true Honorer , BEN. IONSON .

The Names of the Actors . ASPER , The Presenter . MACILENTE . PVNTERVOLO . His Lady . Waiting-Gent . Huntsman . Seruingmen 2. Dog and Cat. CARLO BVFFONE . FASTID . BRISKE . Cinedo his Page . DELIRO . FALLACE . Fido their Seruant . Musicians . SAVIOLINA . SORDIDO . His Hinde . FVNGOSO . Taylor . Haberdasher . Shomaker . SOGLIARDO . SHIFT . CLOVE . Rustici . A Groome . Drawers . Constable , and Officers . ORENGE . GREX. CORDATVS . MITIS .

ASPER his Character . HE is of an ingenious and free spirit , eager and constant in reproofe , without feare controuling the worlds abuses . One , whom no seruile hope of gaine , or frosty apprehension of danger , can make to be a Parasite , either to time , place ▪ or opinion . MACILENTE . A Man well parted , a sufficient Scholler , and trauail'd ; who ( wanting that place in the worlds account , which he thinks his merit capable of ) falls into such an enuious apoplexie , with which his iudgement is so dazeled , and distasted , that he growes violently impatient of any opposite happinesse in another . PVNTARVOLO . A Vaine glorious Knight , ouer-Englishing his trauels , and wholly consecrated to singularity ; the very Iacobs staffe of complement : a Sir , that hath liu'd to see the reuolution of time in most of his apparell . Of presence good ynough , but so palpably affected to his owne praise , that ( for want of flatterers ) he commends himselfe , to the floutage of his owne family . He deales vpon returnes , and strange performances , resoluing ( in despight of publike derision ) to sticke to his owne particular fashion , phrase , and gesture . CARLO BVFFONE . A Publike , scurrilous , and prophane Iester ; that ( more swift then Circe ) with absurd simile's will transforme any person into deformity . A good Feast-hound , or Banket-beagell , that will sent you out a supper some three mile off , and sweare to his Patrons ( Dam him ) hee came in Oares , when hee was but wafted ouer in a Sculler . A slaue , that hath an extraordinary gift in pleasing his palat , and will swill vp more sacke at a sitting , then would make all the Guard a posset . His religion is rayling , and his discourse ribaldry . They stand highest in his respect , whom he studies most to reproch . FASTIDIVS BRISKE . A Neat , spruce , affecting Courtier , one that weares clothes well , and in fashion ; practiseth by his glasse how to salute ; speakes good remnants ( notwithstanding the Base-violl and Tabacco : ) sweares tersely , and with variety ; cares not what Ladies fauour he belyes , or great Mans familiarity : a good property to perfume the boot of a coach . Hee will borrow another mans borse to praise , and backs him as his owne . Or , for a neede , on foot can post himselfe into credit with his marchant , only with the gingle of his spurre , and the jerke of his wand . DELIRO . A Good doting Citizen , who ( it is thought ) might be of the common Councell for his wealth : a fellow sincerely besotted on his owne wife , and so rapt with a conceit of her perfections , that be simply holds himselfe vnworthy of her . And in that hood-winkt humour , liues more like a suter then a husband ; standing in as true dread of her displeasure , as when he first made loue to her . He doth sacrifice two-pence in iuniper to her , euery morning , before shee rises , and wakes her , with villanous-out-of-tune musick , which shee out of her contempt ( though not out of her iudgement ) is sure to dislike . FALLACE . DEliro's wife , and Idoll : a proud mincing Peat , and as peruerse as he is officious . Shee dotes as perfectly vpon the Courtier , as her husband doth on her , and only wants the face to be dishonest . SAVIOLINA . A Court Lady , whose weightiest praise is a light wit , admir'd by herselfe , and one more , her seruant Briske . SORDIDO . A Wretched hob-nail'd Chuffe , whose recreation , is reading of Almanacks ; and felicity , foule , weather . One that neuer pray'd , but for a leane dearth , and euer wept in a fat haruest . FVNGOSO . THe sonne of Sordido , and a student : one that has reuel'd in his time , and followes the fashion a farre off , like a spie . He makes it the whole bent of his endeuours , to wring sufficient meanes from his wretched father , to put him in the Courtiers cut : at which he earnestly aimes , but so vnluckily , that he still lights short a sute . SOGLIARDO . AN essentiall Clowne , brother to Sordido , yet so enamour'd of the name of a Gentleman , that he will haue it , though he buyes it . He comes vp euery Terme to learne to take Tabacco , and see new Motions . He is in his kingdome when he can get himselfe into company , where he may be well laught at . SHIFT . A Thred-bare Sharke . One that neuer was Souldier , yet liues vpon lendings . His profession is skeldring and odling , his banke Poules , and his ware-house Pict-hatch . Takes vp single testons vpon othes , till Doomes day . Falls vnder executions of three shillings , and enters into fiue-groat bonds . He way-layes the reports of seruices , and connes them without booke , damming himselfe he came new from them , when all the while he was taking the dyet in a bawdy house , or lay pawn'd in his chamber for rent , and victuals . He is of that admirable and happy memory , that he will salute one for an old acquaintance , that he neuer saw in his life before . He vsurps vpon cheats , quarrels , and robberies , which he neuer did , only to get him a name . His chiefe exercises are , taking the Whiffe , squiring a Cockatrice , and making priuy searches for Imparters . CLOVE , and ORANGE . AN inseparable case of Coxcombs , City-borne ; The Gemini or Twins of foppery : that like a paire of woodden soyles , are fit for nothing , but to be practis'd vpon . Being well flatter'd , they 'le lend money , and repent when they ha' done . Their glory is to inuite Plaiers , and make suppers . And in company of better ranke ( to auoide the suspect of insufficiency ) will inforce their ignorance , most desperately , to set vpon the vnderstanding of any thing . Orange is the more humorous of the two ( whose small portion of iuyce being squeez'd out ) Cloue serues to sticke him , with commendations . CORDATVS . THe Authors friend ; A man inly acquainted with the scope and drift of his Plot : Of a discreet , and vnderstanding iudgement ; and has the plase of a Moderator . MITIS . IS a person of no action , and therefore we haue reason to affoord him no Character .

EVERY MAN OVT OF HIS HVMOVR .

After the second Sounding . GREX. CORDATVS , ASPER , MITIS . NAy , my deare ASPER , MIT . Stay your mind : ASP. Away . Who is so patient of this impious world , That he can checke his spirit , or reine his tongue ? Or who hath such a dead vnfeeling sense , That heauens horrid thunders cannot wake ? To see the earth , crackt with the weight of sinne , Hell gaping vnder vs , and o're our heads Blacke rau'nous ruine , with her saile-stretcht wings , Ready to sinke vs downe , and couer vs. Who can behold such prodigies as these , And haue his lips seal'd vp ? not I : my soule Was neuer ground into such oyly colours , To flatter vice and daube iniquitie : But ( with an armed , and resolued hand ) I le strip the ragged follies of the time , Naked , as at their birth : COR. ( Be not too bold . ASP. You trouble me ) and with a whip of steele , Print wounding lashes in their yron ribs . I feare no mood stampt in a priuate brow , When I am pleas'd t' vnmaske a publicke vice . I feare no strumpets drugs , nor ruffians stab , Should I detect their hatefull luxuries ; No brokers , vsurers , or lawyers gripe , Were I dispos'd to say , they 're all corrupt . I feare no courtiers frowne , should I applaud The easie flexure of his supple hummes . Tut , these are so innate , and popular , That drunken custome would not shame to laugh ( In scorne ) at him , that should but dare to taxe'hem . And yet , not one of these but knowes his workes , Knowes what damnation is , the deuill , and hell , Yet , howerly they persist , grow ranke in sinne , Puffing their soules away in perj'rous aire , To cherish their extortion , pride , or lusts . MIT . Forbeare , good ASPER , be not like your name . ASP. O , but to such , whose faces are all zeale , And ( with the words of HERCVLES ) invade Such crimes as these ! that will not smell of sinne , But seeme as they were made of Sanctifie ! Religion in their garments , and their haire Cut shorter than their eye-browes ! when the conscience Is vaster than the Ocean , and deuoures More wretches than the Counters . MIT . Gentle ASPER , Containe your spirit in more stricter bounds , And be not thus transported with the violence Of your strong thoughts . COR. Vnlesse your breath had power To melt the world , and mould it new againe , It is in vaine ; to spend it in these moods . Here hee makes adresse to the People . ASP. I not obseru'd this thronged round till now . Gracious , and kind spectators , you are welcome , APOLLO , and the MVSES feast your eyes With gracefull obiects , and may our MINERVA Answere your hopes , vnto their largest straine . Yet here , mistake me not , iudicious friends . I doe not this , to begge your patience , Or seruilely to fawne on your applause , Like some drie braine , despairing in his merit : Let me be censur'd , by th' austerest brow , Where I want arte , or iudgement , taxe me freely : Let envious Censors with their broadest eyes Looke through and through me ; I pursue no fauour . Onely vouchsafe me your attentions , And I will giue you musicke worth your eares . O , how I hate the monstrousnesse of time , Where euery seruile imitating spirit , ( Plagu'd with an itching leprosie of wit ) In a meere halting fury , striues to fling His ulc'rous body in the Thespian spring , And streight leap's forth a Poet ! but as lame As VULCAN , or the founder of Cripple-gate . MIT . In faith , this Humour will come ill to some , You will be thought to be too peremptory . ASP. This Humour ? good ; and why this Humour , MITIS ? Nay doe not turne , but answere . MIT . Answere ? what ? ASP. I will not stirre your patience , pardon me , I vrg'd it for some reasons , and the rather To giue these ignorant well-spoken dayes , Some taste of their abuse of this word Humour . CORD . O doe not let your purpose fall , good ASPER , It cannot but arriue most acceptable , Chiefly to such , as haue the happinesse , Daily to see how the poore innocent word Is rackt , and tortur'd . MIT . I ; I pray you proceede . ASP. Ha ? what ? what is 't ? COR. For the abuse of Humour . ASP. O , I craue pardon , I had lost my thoughts . Why Humour ( as 't is ens ) we thus define it To be a quality of aire or water , And in it selfe holds these two properties , Moisture and fluxure : As , for demonstration , Powre water on this floore , 't will wet and runne : Likewise the aire ( forc't through a horne or trumpet ) Flowes instantly away , and leaues behind A kind of dew ; and hence we doe conclude , That what soe're hath fluxure , and humiditie , As wanting power to containe it selfe , Is Humour : so in euery humane body The choller , melancholy , flegme , and bloud , By reason that they flow continually In some one part , and are not continent , Receiue the name of Humours . Now thus farre It may , by Metaphore , apply it selfe Vnto the generall disposition : As when some one peculiar quality Doth so possesse a man , that it doth draw All his affects , his spirits , and his powers , In their confluctions , all to runne one way , This may be truly said to be a Humour . But that a Rooke , in wearing a pyed feather , The cable hat-band , or the three-pild ruffe , A yard of shoe-tie , or the Switzers knot On his French garters , should affect a Humour ! O , 't is more then most ridiculous . CORD . He speakes pure truth : now if an Idiot Haue but an apish , or phantasticke straine , It is his Humour . ASP. Well I will scourge those Apes ; And to these courteous eyes oppose a mirrour , As large as is the stage , whereon we act : Where they shall see the times deformity Anatomiz'd in euery nerue , and sinnew , With constant courage , and contempt of feare . MIT . ASPER ( I vrge it as your friend ) take heed , The dayes are dangerous , full of exception , And men are growne impatient of reproofe . ASP. Ha , ha : You might as well haue told me , yond is heauen , This earth , these men ; and all had mou'd alike . Doe not I know the times condition ? Yes MITIS , and their soules , and who they be That either will , or can except against me . None , but a sort of fooles , so sicke in taste , That they contemne all phisicke of the mind , And like gald camels kicke at euery touch . Good men , and vertuous spirits , that lothe their vices , Will cherish my free labours , loue my liues , And with the feruour of their shining grace , Make my braine fruitfull to bring forth more obiects , Worthy their serious , and intentiue eyes . But why enforce I this ? as fainting ? no. If any here chance to behold himselfe , Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong , For , if he shame to haue his follies knowne , First he should shame to act 'hem : my strict hand Was made to ceaze on vice , and with a gripe Squeeze out the humour of such spongie soules , As licke vp euery idle vanitie . CORD . Why this is right Furor Poeticus ! Kind gentlemen , we hope your patience Will yet conceiue the best , or entertaine This supposition , that a mad-man speakes . ASP. What ? are you ready there ? MITIS sit downe : And my CORDATVS . Sound hough , and begin . I leaue you two , as censors , to sit here : Obserue what I present , and liberally Speake your opinions , vpon euery Scene , As it shall passe the view of these spectators . Nay , now , y' are tedious Sirs , for shame begin . And MITIS , note me , if in all this front , You can espy a gallant of this marke , Who ( to be thought one of the iudicious ) Sits with his armes thus wreath'd , his hat pull'd here , Cryes meaw , and nods , then shakes his empty head , Will shew more seueral motions in his face , Then the new London , Rome , or Niniueh , And ( now and then ) breakes a drie bisquet iest , Which that it may more easily be chew'd , He sleeps in his owne laughter . CORD . Why ? will that Make it be sooner swallow'd ? ASP. O , assure you . Or if it did not , yet as HORACE sings , " Ieiunus raro stomachus vulgaria temnit , " Meane cares are welcome still to hungry guests . CORD . 'T is true , but why should we obserue 'hem , ASPER ? ASP. O I would know 'hem , for in such assemblies , Th' are more infectious then the pestilence : And therefore I would giue them pills to purge , And make 'hem fit for faire societies . How monstrous , and detested is 't , to see A fellow , that has neither arte , nor braine , Sit like an ARISTARCHVS , or starke-asse , Taking mens lines , with a tabacco face , In snuffe , still spitting , vsing his wryed lookes ( In nature of a vice ) to wrest , and turne The good aspect of those that shall sit neere him , From what they doe behold ! O , 't is most vile . MIT . Nay , ASPER . ASP. Peace , MITIS , I doe know your thought . You 'le say , your guests here will except at this : Pish , you are too timorous , and full of doubt . Then , he , a patient , shall reiect all physicke , 'Cause the physicion tels him , you are sicke : Or , if I say , That he is vicious , You will not heare of vertue . Come , y' are fond . Shall I be so extrauagant to thinke , That happy iudgements , and composed spirits , Will challenge me for taxing such as these ? I am asham'd . CORD . Nay , but good pardon vs : We must not beare this peremptorie saile , But vse our best endeuours how to please . ASP. Why , therein I commend your carefull thoughts , And I will mixe with you in industrie To please , but whom ? attentiue auditors , Such as will ioyne their profit with their pleasure , And come to feed their vnderstanding parts : For these , I le prodigally spend my selfe , And speake away my spirit into ayre ; For these , I le melt my braine into inuention , Coine new conceits , and hang my richest words As polisht jewels in their bounteous eares . But stay , I loose my selfe , and wrong their patience ; If I dwell here , they 'le not begin , I see : Friends sit you still , and entertaine this troupe With some familiar , and by-conference , I le haste them sound . Now gentlemen , I goe To turne an actor , and a Humorist , Where ( ere I doe resume my present person ) We hope to make the circles of your eyes Flow with distilled laughter : if we faile , We must impute it to this onely chance , " Arte hath an enemy cal'd Ignorance . CORD . How doe you like his spirit , MITIS ? MIT .

I should like it much better , if he were lesse confident .

CORD .

Why , doe you suspect his merit ?

MIT .

No , but I feare this will procure him much enuie .

CORD .

O , that sets the stronger seale on his desert , if he had no enemies , I should esteeme his fortunes most wretched at this instant .

MIT .

You haue seene his play , CORDATVS ? pray you , how is 't ?

CORD .

Faith sir , I must refraine to iudge , only this I can say of it , 't is strange , and of a particular kind by it selfe , somewhat like Vetus Comoedia : a worke that hath bounteously pleased me , how it will answere the generall expectation , I know not .

MIT .

Does he obserue all the lawes of Comedie in it ?

CORD .

What lawes meane you ?

MIT .

Why , the equall diuision of it into Acts , and Scenes , according to the Terentian manner , his true number of Actors ; the furnishing of the Scene with GREX , or CHORVS , and that the whole Argument fall within compasse of a dayes businesse .

CORD .

O no , these are too nice obseruations .

MIT .

They are such as must be receiued , by your fauour , or it cannot be authentique .

CORD .

Troth , I can discerne no such necessity .

MIT .

No ?

CORD .

No , I assure you , Signior . If those lawes you speake of , had beene deliuered vs , ab initio , and in their present vertue and perfection , there had beene some reason of obeying their powers : but 't is extant , that that which we call Comoedia , was at first nothing but a simple , and continued Song , sung by one only person , till SVSARIO inuented a second , after him EPICHARMVS a third ; PHORMVS , and CHIONIDES deuised to haue foure Actors , with a Prologue and Chorus ; to which CRATINVS ( long after ) added a fift , and sixt ; EVPOLIS more ; ARISTOPHANES more then they : euery man in the dignitie of his spirit and iudgement , supplyed some-thing . And ( though that in him this kinde of Poeme appeared absolute , and fully perfected ) yet how is the face of it chang'd since , in MENANDER , PHILEMON , CECILIVS , PLAVTVS , and the rest ; who haue vtterly excluded the Chorus , altered the property of the persons , their names , and natures , and augmented it with all liberty , according to the elegancie and disposition of those times , wherein they wrote ? I see not then , but we should enioy the same licence , or free power , to illustrate and heighten our inuention as they did ; and not bee tyed to those strict and regular formes , which the nicenesse of a few ( who are nothing but forme ) would thrust vpon vs.

MIT .

Well , we will not dispute of this now : but what 's his Scene ?

COR.

Marry , Insula Fortunata , Sir .

MIT .

O , the fortunate Iland ? masse , he has bound himselfe to a strict law there .

COR.

Why so ?

MIT .

He cannot lightly alter the Scene , without crossing the seas .

COR.

He needs not , hauing a whole Iland to run through , I thinke .

MIT .

No ? how comes it then , that in some one Play we see so many seas , countries , and kingdomes , past ouer with such admirable dexteritie ?

COR.

O , that but shewes how well the Authors can trauaile in their vocation , and out-run the apprehension of their auditorie . But leauing this , I would they would begin once : this protraction is able to sowre the best-settled patience in the Theatre .

MIT .

They haue answered your wish Sir : they sound .

CORD .

O , here comes the Prologue : Now sir ! if you had staid a little longer , I meant to haue spoke your prologue for you , I faith .

The third sounding . PROLOGVE . PROL.

Mary , with all my heart , Sir , you shall doe it yet , and I thanke you .

CORD .

Nay , nay , stay , stay , heare you ?

PROL.

You could not haue studied to ha' done me a greater benefit at the instant , for I protest to you , I am vnperfect , and ( had I spoke it ) I must of necessity haue beene out .

CORD .

Why , but doe you speake this seriously ?

PROL.

Seriously ! I ( wit's my helpe doe I ) and esteeme my selfe in debted to your kindnesse for it .

CORD .

For what ?

PROL.

Why , for vndertaking the prologue for me .

CORD .

How ? did I vndertake it for you ?

PROL.

Did you ! I appeale to all these gentlemen , whether you did or no ? Come , it pleases you to cast a strange looke on 't now ; but 't will not serue .

CORD .

'Fore me , but it must serue : and therefore speake your prologue .

PROL.

And I doe , let me die poyson'd with some venemous hisse , and neuer liue to looke as high as the two-penny roome againe .

MIT .

He has put you to it , sir.

COR.

Sdeath , what a humorous fellow is this ? Gentlemen , good faith I can speake no prologue , howsoeuer his weake wit has had the fortune to make this strong vse of me , here before you : but I protest —

CARLO BVFFONE . CARL. He enters with a boy , and wine .

Come , come , leaue these fustian protestations : away , come , I cannot abide these gray-headed ceremonies . Boy , fetch me a glasse , quickly , I may bid these gentlemen welcome ; giue 'hem a health here : I marl'e whose wit 't was to put a prologue in you 'd sack-buts mouth : they might well thinke hee 'd be out of tune , and yet you 'ld play vpon him too .

CORD .

Hang him , dull blocke .

CARL.

O good words , good words , a well-timberd fellow , he would ha' made a good columne , and he had beene thought on , when the house was a building . O , art thou come ? well said ; giue mee boy , fill , so . Here 's a cup of wine sparkles like a diamond . Gentlewomen ( I am sworne to put them in first ) and Gentlemen , a round , in place of a bad prologue , I drinke this good draught to your health here , Canarie , the very Elixir and spirit of wine . This is that our Poet calls Castalian liquor , when hee comes abroad ( now and then ) once in a fortnight , and makes a good meale among Players , where he has Caninum appetitum : mary , at home he keepes a good philosophicall diet , beanes and butter-milke : an honest pure Rogue , hee will take you off three , foure , fiue of these , one after another , and looke vilanously when he has done , like a one-headed CERBERVS ( he do not heare me I hope ) and then ( when his belly is well ballac't , and his braine rigg'd a little ) he sailes away withall , as though he would worke wonders when he comes home . He has made a Play here , and he calls it , Euery Man out of his humour : Sbloud , and he get me out of the humour hee has put mee in , I le trust none of his Tribe againe , while I liue . Gentles , all I can say for him , is , you are welcome . I could wish my bottle here amongst you : but there 's an old rule , No pledging your owne health . Mary , if any here be thirsty for it , their best way ( that I know ) is , sit still , seale vp their lips , and drinke so much of the play , in at their eares . Exit .

GREX. MIT .

What may this fellow be , CORDATVS ?

COR.

Faith , if the time will suffer his description , I le giue it you . He is one , the Author calls him CARLO BVFFONE , an impudent common iester , a violent rayler , and an incomprehensible Epicure ; one , whose company is desir'd of all men , but belou'd of none ; hee will sooner lose his soule then a iest , and prophane euen the most holy things , to excite laughter : no honourable or reuerend personage whatsoeuer , can come within the reach of his eye , but is turn'd into all manner of varietie , by his adult'rate simile's .

MIT .

You paint forth a monster .

COR.

He will preferre all Countries before his natiue , and thinkes he can neuer sufficiently , or with admiration enough , deliuer his affectionate conceit of forraine Atheistical policies : but stay — Obserue these , hee 'le appeare himselfe anon .

MIT .

O , this is your enuious man ( MACILENTE ) I thinke .

COR.

The same , sir.

Act I.

Scene I. MACILENTE . VIri est , fortunae caecuatem facilè ferre . T is true ; but , Stoique , where ( in the vast world ) Doth that man breathe , that can so much command His bloud , and his affection ? well : I see , I striue in vaine to cure my wounded soule ; For euery cordiall that my thoughts apply , Turnes to a cor'siue , and doth eate it farder . There is no taste in this Philosophie , T is like a potion that a man should drinke , But turnes his stomacke with the sight of it . I am no such pild Cinique , to beleeue That beggery is the onely happinesse ; Or ( with a number of these patient fooles ) To sing : My minde to me a kingdome is , When the lanke hungrie belly barkes for foode . I looke into the world , and there I meet With obiects , that doe strike my bloud-shot eyes Into my braine : where , when I view my selfe ; Hauing before obseru'd , this man is great , Mighty , and fear'd : that , lou'd and highly fauour'd : A third , thought wise and learned : a fourth , rich , And therefore honor'd : a fifth , rarely featur'd : A sixth , admir'd for his nuptiall fortunes : When I see these ( I say ) and view my selfe , I wish the organs of my sight were crackt ; And that the engine of my griefe could cast Mine eye-balls , like two globes of wild-fire forth , To melt this vnproportion'd frame of nature . Oh , they are thoughts that haue transfixt my heart , And often ( i'the strength of apprehension ) Made my cold passion stand vpon my face , Like drops of dew on a stiffe cake of yce . GREX. COR. This alludes well to that of the Poet , Inuidus suspirat , gemit , incutitque demes , Sudat frigidus , intuem quod odit . MIT . O peace , you breake the Scene . MACI. Soft , who be these ? I 'le lay me downe a while till they be past . GREX. COR. Signior , note this gallant , I pray you . MIT . What is he ? COR. A tame Rooke , you le take him presently : List.

Act I. Scene II. SOGLIARDO , CARLO BVFFONE , MACILENTE .

NAy looke you CARLO : this is my Humour now ! I haue land and money , my friends left me well , and I will be a Gentleman whatsoeuer it cost me .

SOG.

Tut , and I take an humour of a thing once , I am like your taylors needle , I goe through : but , for my name , Signior , how thinke you ? will it not serue for a gentlemans name , when the Signior is put to it ? Ha ?

CAR.

Let me heare : how is 't ?

SOG.

Signior Insulso Sogliardo : me thinkes it sounds well .

CAR.

O excellent ! tut , and all fitted to your name , you might very well stand for a gentleman : I know many Sogliardos gentlemen .

SOG.

Why , and for my wealth I might be a Iustice of Peace .

CAR.

I , and a Constable for your wit .

SOG.

All this is my Lordship you see here , and those Farmes you came by .

CAR.

Good steps to gentility too , mary : but SOGLIARDO , if you affect to be a gentleman indeede , you must obserue all the rare qualities , humours , and complements of a gentleman .

SOG.

I know it , signior , and if you please to instruct , I am not too good to learne , He assure you .

CAR.

Inough sir : I le make admirable vse i' the proiection of my medicine vpon this lumpe of copper here . I le bethinke me , for you sir.

SOG.

Signior , I will both pay you , and pray you , and thanke you , and thinke on you .

GREX. CORD .

Is not this purely good ?

MACIL . Sbloud , why should such a prick-card hine as this , Berich ? Ha ? a foole ? such a transparent gull That may be scene through ? wherefore should he haue land , Houses , and lordships ? O , I could eate my entrailes , And sinke my soule into the earth with sorrow . CAR.

First ( to be an accomplisht gentleman , that is , a gentleman of the time ) you must giue o're house-keeping in the countrey , and liue altogether in the city amongst gallants ; where , at your first apparance , 't were good you turn'd foure or fiue hundred acres of your best land into two or three trunks of apparel ( you may doe it without going to a coniurer ) and be sure , you mixe your selfe stil , with such as flourish in the spring of the fashion , and are least popular ; studie their carriage , and behauiour in all : learne to play at Primero and Passage , and ( euer when you lose ) ha'two or three peculiar othes to sweare by , that no man else sweares : but aboue all , protest in your play , and affirme , Vpon your credit ; As you are a true gentleman ( at euery cast ) you may doe it with a safe conscience , I warrant you .

SOG.

O admirable rare ! he cannot choose but be a gentleman , that ha's these excellent gifts : more , more , I beseech you .

CAR.

You must endeuour to feede cleanly at your Ordinarie , sit melancholy , and picke your teeth when you cannot speake : and when you come to Playes , be humorous , looke with a good startch't face , and ruffle your brow like a new boot ; laugh at nothing but your owne iests , or else as the Noblemen laugh . That 's a speciall grace you must obserue .

SOG.

I warrant you , sir.

CAR.

I , and sit o' the stage , and stout : prouided , you haue a good suit .

SOG.

O , I 'le haue a suit only for that , sir.

CAR.

You must talke much of your kinred , and allies .

SOG.

Lies ! no Signior , I shall not neede to doe so , I haue kinred i' the city to talke of : I haue a neece is a marchants wife ; and a nephew , my brother SORDIDOS sonne , of the Innes of Court .

CAR.

O , but you must pretend alliance with Courtiers and great persons : and euer when you are to dine or suppe in any strange presence , hire a fellow with a great chaine ( though it be copper it 's no matter ) to bring you letters , feign'd from such a Nobleman , or such a Knight , or such a Ladie , To their worshipfull , right rare , and noble qualified friend or kinsman , Signior Insulso Sogliardo ; giue your selfe stile enough . And there ( while you intend circumstances of newes , or enquiry of their health , or so ) one of your familiars ( whom you must carry about you still ) breakes it vp ( as 't were in a iest ) and reades it publikely at the table : at which , you must seeme to take as vnpardonable offence , as if he had torne your Mistris colours , or breath'd vpon her picture ; and pursue it with that hot grace , as if you would aduance a challenge vpon it presently .

SOG.

Stay , I doe not like that humour of challenge , it may be accepted ; but I 'le tell you what 's my humour now : I will doe this . I will take occasion of sending one of my suites to the Taylors to haue the pocket repaired , or so ; and there such a letter , as you talke of ( broke open and all ) shall be left : O , the Taylor will presently giue out what I am , vpon the reading of it , worth twentie of your Gallants .

CAR.

But then you must put on an extreme face of discontentment at your mans negligence .

SOG.

O , so I will , and beat him too : I 'le haue a man for the purpose .

MACIL .

You may ; you haue land and crownes : O partiall fate !

CARL.

Masse well remembred , you must keepe your men gallant , at the first , fine pyed liueries , laid with good gold lace , there 's no losse in it , they may tip't off and pawne it , when they lacke victuals .

SOG.

By 'r Ladie , that is chargeable Signior , 't will bring a man in debt .

CAR.

Debt ? why , that 's the more for your credit sir : it 's an excellent policy to owe much in these daies , if you note it .

SOG.

As how good Signior ? I would faine be a Polititian .

CAR.

O! looke where you are indebted any great summe , your creditor obserues you with no lesse regard , then if hee were bound to you for some huge benefit , and will quake to giue you the least cause of offence , lest he loose his money . I assure you ( in these times ) no man has his seruant more obsequious and pliant , then gentlemen their creditors : to whom ( if at any time ) you pay but a moitie , or a fourth part , it comes more acceptedly , then if you gaue them a new-yeares gift .

SOG.

I perceiue you , sir : I will take vp , and bring my selfe in credit sure .

CAR.

Mary this , alwaies beware you commerce not with bankrupts , or poore needie Ludgathians ▪ they are impudent creatures , turbulent spirits , they care not what violent tragedies they stirre , nor how they play fast and loose with a poore gentlemans fortunes , to get their owne . Mary , these rich fellowes ( that ha' the world , or the better part of it , sleeping in their counting-houses ) they are ten times more placable , they ; either feare , hope , or modestie , restraines them from offering any outrages : but this is nothing to your followers , you shall not run a penny more in arrerage for them , and you list your selfe .

SOG.

No ? how should I keepe 'hem then ?

CAR.

Keepe 'hem ? Sbloud let them keepe themselues , they are no sheepe , are they ? What ? you shall come in houses , where plate , apparrell , iewels , and diuers other pretie commodities lye negligently scattered , and I would ha' those Mercuries follow me ( I trow ) should remember they had not their fingers for nothing .

SOG.

That 's not so good , me thinkes .

CAR.

Why , after you haue kept 'hem a fortnight , or so , and shew'd 'hem ynough to the world , you may turne 'hem away , and keepe no more but a boy , it 's ynough .

SOG.

Nay , my humour is not for boyes , I le keepe men , and I keepe any ; and I le giue coats , that 's my humour : but I lacke a cullisen .

CAR.

Why , now you ride to the citie , you may buy one , I le bring you where you shall ha' your choise for money .

SOG.

Can you , sir ?

CAR.

O , I : you shall haue one take measure of you , and make you a Coat of armes , to fit you of what fashion you will .

SOG.

By word of mouth , I thanke you , Signior ; I le be once a little prodigall in a humour , i' faith , and haue a most prodigious coat .

MACI. Torment and death ! breake head and braine at once , To be deliuer'd of your fighting issue . Who can endure to see blinde Fortune dote thus ? To be enamour'd on this dustie turfe ? This clod ? a whorson puck-fist ? O god , god , god , god , &c. I could runne wild with griefe now , to behold The ranknesse of her bounties , that doth breed Such bull-rushes ; these mushrompe gentlemen , That shoot vp in a night to place , and worship . CAR. Let him alone , some stray , some stray . SOG. Nay , I will examine him before I goe , sure . CAR. The Lord of the soile ha's al wests , and straies here ? ha's he not ? SOG. Yes , sir. CAR.

Faith , then I pitty the poore fellow , he 's falne into a fooles hands .

SOG.

Sirrah , who gaue you commission to lye in my lordship ?

MACI.

Your lordship ?

SOG.

How ? my lordship ? doe you know me , sir ?

MACI.

I doe know you , sir.

CAR.

S'heart , he answeres him like an eccho .

SOG.

Why , who am I , Sir ?

MACI.

One of those that fortune fauours .

CAR.

The Perphrasis of a foole ; I le obserue this better .

SOG.

That fortune fauours ? how meane you that , friend ?

MACI.

I meane simply . THat you are one that liues not by your wits .

SOG.

By my wits ? No sir , I scorne to liue by my wits , I. I haue better meanes , I tell thee , then to take such base courses , as to liue by my wits . Sbloud , doest thou thinke I liue by my wits ?

MACI.

Me thinkes , Iester , you should not relilsh this well .

CAR.

Ha ? does he know me ?

MACI.

Though yours bee the worst vse a man can put his wit to , of thousands , to prostitute it at euery tauerne and ordinarie ; yet ( mee thinkes ) you should haue turn'd your broad side at this , and haue beene readie with an Apologie , able to sinke this hulke of ignorance into the bottome , and depth of his contempt .

CAR.

Sbloud 't is MACILENTE ! Signior , you are well encountred , how is 't ? O , we must not regard what he saies man , a trout , a shallow foole , he ha's no more braine then a butter-flie , a meere stuft suit , he looks like a mustie bottle , new wickerd , his head 's the corke , light , light . I am glad to see you so well return'd , Signior .

MACI.

You are ? Gramercie , good IANVS .

SOG.

Is he one of your acquaintance ? I loue him the better for that .

CAR.

Gods precious , come away man , what doe you meane ? and you knew him as I doe , you 'ld shun him , as you 'ld doe the plague ?

SOG.

Why , sir ?

CAR.

O , hee 's a blacke fellow , take heed on him .

SOG.

Is he a Scholler , or a Souldier ?

CAR.

Both , both ; a leane mungrell , he lookes as if he were chap-falne , with barking at other mens good fortunes : 'ware how you offend him , he carries oile and fire in his pen , will scald where it drops : his spirit 's like powder , quick , violent : hee 'le blow a man vp with a jest : I feare him worse then a rotten wall do's the cannon , shake an houre after , at the report . Away , come not neere him .

SOG.

For Gods sake let 's be gone , and he be a Scholler , you know I cannot abide him , I had as leeue see a Cockatrice , specially as cockatrices goe now .

CAR.

What , you 'le stay , signior ? this gentleman SOGLIARDO , and I , are to visit the knight PVNTARVOLO , and from thence to the citie , wee shall meet there .

MACI. I , when I cannot shun you , we will meet . 'T is strange ! of all the creatures I haue seene , I enuie not this BVFFON , for indeede Neither his fortunes , nor his parts deserue it : But I doe hate him , as I hate the deuill , Or that brasse-visag'd monster Barbarisme . O , 't is an open-throated , black-mouth'd curre , That bites at all , but eates on those that feed him . A slaue , that to your face will ( serpent-like ) Creepe on the ground , as he would eate the dust ; And to your backe will turne the taile , and sting More deadly then a scorpion : Stay , who 's this ? Now for my soule , another minion Of the old lady Chance's : I 'le obserue him .

Act I. Scene III. SOLDIDO , MACILENTE , HINE.

O Rare ! good , good , good , good , good ! I thanke my Starres , I thanke my Starres for it .

MACI. Said I not true ? doth not his passion speake Out of my diuination ? O my senses , Why loose you not your powers , and become Dull'd , if not deadded with this spectacle ? I know him , 't is SORDIDO , the farmer , A Boore , and brother to that swine was here . SORD.

Excellent , excellent , excellent ! as I would wish , as I would wish .

MACI. See how the strumpet Fortune tickles him , And makes him swoune with laughter , ô , ô , ô. SORD.

Ha , ha , ha , I will not sow my grounds this yeere . Let mee see , what hauest shall we haue ? Iune , Iuly , August ?

MACI. What is 't , a Prognostication rap's him so ? SORD.

The xx , xxi , xxij , daies , raine and winde , O good , good ! the xxiij , and xxiiij , raine and some winde , good ! the xxvi , raine , good still ! xxvi , xxvij , xxviij , winde and some raine ; would it had been raine and some winde : well 't is good ( when it can be no better ) xxix , inclining to raine : inclining to raine ? that 's not so good now . xxx , and xxxi , winde and no raine : no raine ? S'lid stay ; this is worse and worse : what saies he of S. Swithins ? turne back , looke , S. Swithins : no raine ?

MACI. O , here 's a precious durty damned rogue , That fats himselfe with expectation Of rotten weather , and vnseason'd howers ; And he is rich for it , an elder brother ! His barnes are full ! his reekes , and mowes well trod ! His garners cracke with store ! O , t is well ; ha , ha , ha : A plague consume thee , and thy house . SORD.

O here , S. Swithins , the xv day , variable weather , for the most part raine , good ; for the most part raine : Why , it should raine fortie daies after , now , more or lesse , it was a rule held , afore I was able to hold a plough , and yet here are two daies , no raine ; ha ? it makes me muse . Wee le see how the next moneth begins , if that bee better . September , first , second , third , and fourth daies , rainy , and blustering ; this is well now : fift , sixt , seuenth , eight , and ninth , rainy , with some thunder ; I mary , this is excellent ; the other was false printed sure : the tenth , and eleuenth , great store of raine ; O good , good , good , good , good ! the twelth , thirteenth , and fourteenth daies , raine ; good still : fifteenth , and sixteenth , raine ; good still : seuenteenth , and eighteenth , raine , good still ; nineteenth , and twentieth , good still , good still , good still , good still , good still ! one and twentieth , some raine ; some raine ? well , we must be patient , and attend the heauens pleasure , would it were more though : the one and twentieth , two and twentieth , three and twentieth , great tempest of raine , thunder , and lightning . O good againe , past expectation good ! I thanke my blessed angell ; neuer , neuer , Laid I penny better out , then this , To purchase this deare booke : not deare for price , And yet of me as dearely priz'd as life , Since in it , is contain'd the very life , Bloud , strength , and sinnewes of my happinesse . Blest be the houre , wherein I bought this booke , His studies happy , that compos'd the booke , And the man fortunate , that sold the booke . Sleepe with this charme , and be as true to me , As I am ioy'd , and confident in thee .

MACI. The Hine enters with a paper . Ha , ha , ha ? I' not this good ? Is 't not pleasing this ? Ha , ha , ha ! God pardon me ! ha , ha ! Is 't possible that such a spacious villaine Should liue , and not be plagu'd ? or lies he hid Within the wrinckled bosome of the world , Where heauen cannot see him ? Sbloud ( me thinkes ) 'T is rare , and strange , that he should breathe , and walke , Feede with disgestion , sleepe , enjoy his health , And ( like a boistrous whale , swallowing the poore ) Still swimme in wealth , and pleasure ! is 't not strange ? Vnlesse his house , and skin were thunder-proofe , I wonder at it ! Me thinkes , now , the hecticke , Gout , leprosie , or some such loth'd disease Might light vpon him ; or that fire ( from heauen ) Might fall vpon his barnes ; or mice , and rats Eate vp his graine ; or else that it might rot Within the hoary reekes , e'ne as it stands : Me thinkes this might be well ; and after all The deuill might come and fetch him . I , 't is true ! Meane time he sursets in prosperitie , And thou ( in enuie of him ) gnaw'st thy selfe , Peace , foole , get hence , and tell thy vexed spirit , " Wealth in this age will scarcely looke on merit . SORD. Who brought this same , sirha ? HINE.

Mary , sir , one of the Iustices men , he saies 't is a precept , and all their hands be at it :

SORD. I , and the prints of them sticke in my flesh , Deeper then i' their letters : They haue sent me Pils wrapt in paper here , that should I take 'hem , Would poison all the sweetness of my booke , And turne my honey into homlocke juyce . But I am wiser then to serue their precepts , Or follow their prescriptions . Here 's a deuice , To charge me bring my graine vnto the markets : I , much , when I haue neither barne nor garner , Nor earth to hide it in , I 'le bring it ; till then , Ech corne I send shall be as big as Paules . O , but ( say some ) the poore are like to starue . Why let 'hem starue , what 's that to me ? are bees Bound to keepe life in drones , and idle moths ? no : Why such are these ( that terme themselues the poore , Only because they would be pittied , But are indeed a sort of lazie beggers ) Licencious rogues , and sturdie vagabonds , Bred ( by the sloth of a fat plentious yeere ) Like snakes , in heat of summer , out of dung , And this is all that these cheape times are good for : Whereas a holsome , and penurious dearth Purges the soile of such vile excrements , And kils the vipers vp . HINE. O , but master , Take heed they heare you not . SORD. Why so ? HINE. They will exclaime against you . SORD. I , their exclaimes Moue me as much , as thy breath moues a mountaine ! Poore wormes , they hisse at me , whilst I at home Can be contented to applaud my selfe , To fit and clap my hands , and laugh , and leape , Knocking my head against my roofe , with ioy To see how plumpe my bags are , and my barnes . Sirrah , goe , hie you home , and bid your fellowes , Get all their flailes readie , again ' I come . HINE. I will , Sir . SORD. I 'le instantly set all my hines to thrashing Of a whole reeke of corne , which I will hide Vnder the ground ; and with the straw thereof I 'le stuffe the out-sides of my other mowes : That done , I 'le haue 'hem emptie all my garners , And i' the friendly earth bury my store , That , when the searchers come , they may suppose All 's spent , and that my fortunes were belied . And , to lend more opinion to my want , And stop that many-mouthed vulgar dog , ( Which else would still be baying at my dore ) Each market day , I will be seene to buy Part of the purest wheat , as for my houshold : Where when it comes , it shall encrease my heapes , T will yeeld me treble gaine , at this deare time , Promisd in this deare booke : I haue cast all . Till then I will not sell an eare . I 'le hang first . O , I shall make my prizes as I list , My house and I can feed on pease , and barley , What though a world of wretches starue the while ? " He that will thriue , must thinke no courses vile . GREX. COR.

Now , Signior , how approue you this ? haue the Humorists exprest themselues truly or no ?

MIT .

Yes ( if it be well prosecuted ) 't is hitherto happy ynough : but me thinks , MACILENTE went hence too soone , hee might haue beene made to stay , and speake somewhat in reproofe of SORDIDO'S wretchednesse , now at the last .

COR.

O , no , that had beene extremely improper , besides , he had continued the Scene too long with him , as 't was , being in no more action .

MIT .

You may enforce the length , as a necessary reason ; but for propriety , the Scene would very well haue borne it , in my iudgement .

COR.

O , worst of both : why , you mistake his Humour vtterly then .

MIT .

How ? doe I mistake it ? is 't not enuie ?

COR.

Yes , but you must vnderstand , Signior , he enuies him not as he is a villaine , a wolfe i' the common-wealth , but as he is rich , and fortunate ; for the true condition of enuie , is , Dolor altenae foelicitatis , to haue our eyes continually sixt vpon another mans prosperitie , that is , his chiefe happinesse , and to grieue at that . Whereas , if we make his monstrous , and abhord actions our obiect , the griefe ( we take then ) comes neerer the nature of hate , then enuie , as being bred out of a kinde of contempt and lothing , in our selues .

MIT .

So you 'le infer it had beene hate , not enuie in him , to reprehend the humour of SORDIDO ?

CORD .

Right , for what a man truly enuies in another , he could alwaies loue , and cherish in himselfe : but no man truly reprehends in another , what he loues in himselfe ; therefore reprehension is out of his hate . And this distinction hath he himselfe made in a speech there ( if you markt it ) where he saies , I enuie not this BVFFON , but I hate him .

MIT .

Stay , sir : I enuie not this BVFFON , but I hate him : why might he not as well haue hated SORDIDO , as him ?

COR.

No , sir , there was subiect for his enuie in SORDIDO ; his wealth : So was there not in the other . He stood possest of no one eminent gift , but amostodious , and fiend-like disposition , that would turne charitie it selfe into hate , much more enuie , for the present .

MIT .

You haue satisfied mee , sir ; O , here comes the Foole and the Iester , againe , me thinkes .

COR.

'T were pitty they should be parted , sir.

MIT .

What bright-shining gallant 's that with them ? the knight they went to ?

COR.

No , sir , this is one Monsieur FASTIDIVS BRISKE , otherwise cal'd the fresh Frenchefied courtier .

MIT .

A humorist too ?

COR.

As humorous as quick-siluer , doe but obserue him , the Scene is the country still , remember .

Act II.

Scene I. FAST . BRISKE , CINEDO , CARLO BVFFONE , SOGLIARDO .

CINEDO , watch when the knight comes , and giue vs word .

CINE .

I will , sir.

FAST .

How lik'st thou my boy , CARLO ?

CAR.

O , well , well . He lookes like a colonell of the Pigmies horse , or one of these motions , in a great antique clock : he would shew well vpon a habberdashers stall , at a corner shop , rarely .

FAST .

S'heart , what a damn'd witty rogne's this ? how he confounds with his simile's ?

CARL.

Better with simile's , then smiles : and whither were you riding now , Signior ?

FAST .

Who , I ? what a silly iest's that ? whither should I ride , but to the court ?

CARL.

O , pardon me , sir , twentie places more : your hot-house , or your whore-house —

FAST .

By the vertue of my soule , this knight dwels in Elizium , here .

CARL.

Hee 's gone now , I thought he would flie out presently . These be our nimble-spirited Catso's , that ha' their euasions at pleasure , will run ouer a bog like your wild Irish : no sooner started , but they 'le leape from one thing to another , like a squirrell , heigh : dance ! and doe tricks i' their discourse , from fire to water , from water to aire , from aire to earth , as if their tongues did but e'en licke the foure elements ouer , and away .

FAST .

Sirrha , CARLO , thou neuer saw'st my grey-hobbie yet , didst thou ?

CARL.

No : ha' you such a one ?

FAST .

The best in Europe ( my good villaine ) thou 'lt say , when thou seest him .

CARL.

But when shall I see him ?

FAST .

There was a noble man i' the court offered me 100. pound for him , by this light : a fine little fiery slaue , he runs like a ( oh ) excellent , excellent ! with the very sound of the spurre .

CARL.

How ? the sound of the spurre ?

FAST .

O , it 's your only humour now extant , sir : a good gingle , a good gingle .

CARL.

Sbloud , you shall see him turne morris-dancer , he ha's got him bels , a good sute , and a hobby-horse .

SOGL.

Signior , now you talke of a hobby-horse , I know where one is , will not be giuen for a brace of angels .

FAST .

How is that , Sir ?

SOGL.

Mary , sir , I am telling this gentleman of a hobby-horse , it was my fathers indeed , and ( though I say it —

CARL.

That should not say it ) on , on .

SOGL.

He did dance in it , with as good humour , and as good regard , as any man of his degree what soeuer , being no gentleman : I haue danc't in it my selfe too .

CARL.

Not since the humour of gentilitie was vpon you ? did you ?

SOGL.

Yes , once ; mary , that was but to shew what a gentleman might doe , in a humour .

CARL.

O , very good .

GREX. MIT .

Why , this fellowes discourse were nothing , but for the word Humour .

COR.

O , beare with him , and he should lacke matter , and words too , 't were pittifull .

SOG.

Nay , looke you , sir , there 's ne're a gentleman i' the countrey has the like humours , for the hobby-horse , as I haue ; I haue the method for the threeding of the needle and all , the —

CAR.

How , the method .

SOG.

I , the leigeritie for that , and the wigh-hie , and the daggers in the nose , and the trauels of the egge from singer to singer , all the humours incident to the quality . The horse hangs at home in my parlor . I 'le keepe it for a monument , as long as I liue , sure .

CAR.

Doe so ; and when you die , 't will be an excellent trophee , to hang ouer your tombe .

SOG.

Masse , and I 'le haue a tombe ( now I thinke on 't ) 't is but so much charges .

CAR.

Best build it in your life time then , your heires may hap to forget it else .

SOG.

Nay , I meane so , I le not trust to them .

CAR.

No , for heires , and executors , are growne damnably carelesse , specially , since the ghosts of testators left walking : how like you him , Signior ?

FAST .

Fore heauens , his humour arrides me exceedingly .

CAR.

Arrides you ?

FAST .

I , pleases me ( a pox on 't ) I am so haunted at the count , and at my lodging , with your refin'd choise spirits , that it makes me cleane of another garbe , another sheafe , I know not how ! I cannot frame me to your harsh vulgar phrase , 't is against my genius .

SOG.

Signior CARLO .

GREX. COR.

This is right to that of HORACE , Dum vitant stulti vitia , in contraria currunt : so this gallant , labouring to anoid popularitie , fals into a habit of affection , ten thousand times hatefuller then the former .

CAR.

Who , hee ? a gull , a foole , no salt in him i' the earth , man : hee looks like a fresh salmon kept in a tub , hee 'le be spent shortly . His braine 's lighter then his feather already , and his tongue more subiect to lie , then that 's to wag : he sleepes with a muske-cat euery night , and walkes all day hung'd in pomander chaines for penance : he ha's his skin tan'd in ciuet , to make his complexion strong , and the sweetnesse of his youth lasting in the sense of his sweet lady . A good emptie puffe , he loues you well , Signior .

SOGL.

There shall be no loue lost , sir , I le assure you .

FAST .

Nay , CARLO , I am not happy i' thy loue , I see : pr'y thee suffer me to enioy thy company a little ( sweet mischiefe ) by this aire , I shall enuy this gentlemans place in thy affections , if you be thus priuate , yfaith . How now ? is the knight arriu'd ?

CINEDO . CINE .

No , sir , but 't is guest he will arriue presently , by his fore-runners .

FAST .

His bounds ! by MINERVA an excellent figure ; a good boy .

CARL.

You should giue him a french crowne for it : the boy would finde two better figures i' that , and a good figure of your bounty beside .

FAST .

Tut , the boy wants no crownes .

CARL.

No crowne : speake i' the singular number , and wee 'le beleeue you .

FAST .

Nay , thou art so capriciously conceited now . Sirra ( damnation ) I haue heard this knight PVNTARVOLO , reported to bee a gentleman of exceeding good humour ; thou know'st him : pr'ythee , how is his disposition ? I ne're was so fauour'd of my starres , as to see him yet . Boy , doe you looke to the hobby ?

CINE .

I , sir , the groome has set him vp .

FAST .

'T is well : I rid out of my way of intent to visit him , and take knowledge of his — Nay , good wickednesse , his humour , his humour .

CARL.

Why , he loues dogs , and hawkes , and his wife , well : he has a good riding face , and he can fit a great horse ; hee will taint a staffe well at tilt : when he is mounted , he lookes like the signe of the George , that 's all I know ; saue , that in stead of a dragon , he will brandish against a tree , and breake his sword as confidently vpon the knottie barke , as the other did vpon the skales of the beast .

FAST .

O , but this is nothing to that 's deliuerd of him . They say hee has dialogues , and discourses betweene his horse , himselfe , and his dogge : and that he will court his owne lady ; as shee were a stranger neuer encounter'd before .

CARL.

I , that he will , and make fresh loue to her euery morning : this gentleman has beene a spectator of it , Signior Insulso .

SOGL. 〈…〉 from whispring with the boy .

I am resolute to keepe a page : say you sir ?

CARL.

You haue seene Signior Puntaruolo accost his lady ?

SOGL.

O , I sir.

FAST .

And how is the manner of it , pr'ythee , good Signior ?

SOGL.

Faith sir , in very good sort , he has his humours for it , sir : as first , ( suppose he were now to come from riding , or hunting , or so ) he has his trumpet to sound , and then the waiting gentlewoman , shee lookes out , and then hee speakes , and then shee speakes — very pretty yfaith , gentlemen .

FAST .

Why , but doe you remember no particulars , Signior ?

SOGL.

O , yes sir : first , the gentlewoman , shee lookes out at the window .

CARL.

After the trumpet has summon'd a parle ? not before ?

SOGL.

No , sir , not before : and then saies he — ha , ha , ha , ha , &c.

CARL.

What saies he ? be not rapt so .

SOGL.

Saies he — ha , ha , ha , ha , &c.

FAST .

Nay , speake , speake .

SOGL.

Ha , ha , ha , saies he : God saue you , saies he : ha , ha , &c.

CARL.

Was this the ridiculous motiue to all this passion ?

SOGL.

Nay , that , that comes after , is — ha , ha , ha , ha , &c.

CARL.

Doubtlesse , he apprehends more then he vtters , this fellow : or else .

SOGL. Hee leaps from whispering with the boy.

List , list , they are come from hunting : stand by , close vnder this tarras , and you shall see it done , better then I can shew it .

CARL.

So it had need , 't will scarce poize the obseruation else .

SOGL.

Faith I remember all , but the manner of it is quite out of my head .

FAST .

O , with-draw , with-draw , it cannot bee but a most pleasing obiect .

Act. II. Scene II. PVNTARVOLO , HVNTSMAN , GENTLEWOMAN . To the rest .

FOrrester , giue winde to thy borne . Inough , by this , the sound hath toucht the eares of the enclosed : Depart , leaue the dogge , and take with thee what thou hast deseru'd , the horne , and thankes .

CARL.

I , mary , there 's some taste in this .

FAST .

Is 't not good ?

SOGL.

Ah , peace , now aboue , now aboue !

PVNT. The gentlewoman appeares at the window .

Stay : mine eye hath ( on the instant ) through the bountie of the window , receiu'd the forme of a Nymph . I will step forward three pases : of the which , I will barely retire one ; and ( after some little flexure of the knee ) with an erected grace salute her ( one , two , and three . ) Sweet lady , God saue you .

GENT.

No , forsooth : I am but the waiting gentlewoman .

CARL.

He knew that before .

PVNT.

Pardon me : Humanum est errare .

CARL.

He learn'd that of his chaplaine .

PVNT.

To the perfection of complement ( which is the Diall of the thought , and guided by the Sunne of your beauties ) are requir'd these three specials : the gnomon , the puntilio's , and the superficies : the superficies , is that we call , place ; the puntilio's , circumstance ; and the gnomon , ceremony : in either of which , for a stranger to erre , 't is easie and facile , and such am I.

CARL.

True , not knowing her horizon , he must needes erre : which I feare , he knowes too well .

PVNT.

What call you the lord of the castle ? sweet face .

GENT.

The lord of the castle is a knight , sir ; Signior PVNTARVOLO .

PVNT :

PVNTARVOLO ? O.

CARL.

Now must he ruminate .

FAST .

Does the wench know him all this while , then ?

CARL.

O , doc you know me , man ? why , therein lies the sirrup of the iest , it 's a proiect , a designement of his owne , a thing studied , and rehearst as ordinarily at his comming from hawking , or hunting , as a jigge after a play .

SOGL.

I , e'en like your jigge , sir.

PVNT.

'T is a most sumptuous and stately edifice ! of what yeeres is the knight , faire damsell ?

GENT.

Faith , much about your yeeres , sir.

PVNT.

What complexion , or what stature beares he ?

GENT.

Of your stature , and very neere vpon your complexion .

PVNT.

Mine is melancholy :

CARL.

So is the dogges , iust .

PVNT.

And doth argue constancie , chiefly in loue . What are his endowments ? Is he courteous ?

GENT.

O , the most courteous knight in Christian land , sir.

PVNT.

Is he magnanimous ?

GENT.

As the skin betweene your browes , sir.

PVNT.

Is he bountifull ?

CARL.

'Slud , he takes an inuentory of his owne good parts .

GENT.

Bountifull ? I , sir , I would you should know it ; the poore are seen'd at his gate , early , and late , sir.

PVNT.

Is he learned ?

GENT.

O , I sir , he can speake the French , and Italian .

PVNT.

Then he is trauail'd ?

GENT.

I , forsooth , he hath beene beyond-sea , once , or twise .

CARL.

As far as Paris , to fetch ouer a fashion , and come back againe .

PVNT.

Is he religious ?

GENT.

Religious ? I know not what you call religious , but hee goes to church , I am sure .

FAST .

S'lid , methinkes , these answeres should offend him .

CARL.

T'ut , no ; he knowes they are excellent , and to her capacity , that speakes 'hem .

PVNT.

Would I might see his face .

CARL.

Shee should let down a glasse from the window at that word , and request him to looke in 't .

PVNT.

Doubtlesse , the gentleman is most exact , and absolutely qualified ? doth the castle containe him ?

GENT.

No , sir , he is from home , but his lady is within .

PVNT.

His lady ? what , is shee faire ? splendidious ? and amiable ?

GENT.

O , Lord , sir !

PVNT.

Pr'ythee , deare Nymph , intreat her beauties to shine on this side of the building .

CARL. Gent. leaues the window .

That he may erect a new dyall of complement , with his gnomons , and his puntilio's .

FAST .

Nay , thou art such another Cinique now , a man had need walke vprightly before thee .

CARL.

Heart , can any man walke more vpright then hee does ? Looke , looke ; as if he went in a frame , or had a sute of wanescot on : and the dogge watching him , let he should leape out on 't .

FAST .

O , villaine !

CARL.

Well , and e'er I meet him in the city , I 'le ha 'him ioynted , I 'le pawne him in east cheape , among the butchers else .

FAST .

Peace , who be these , CARLO ?

Act II. Scene III. SORDIDO , FVNGOSO , LADY . To the rest .

YOnder 's your god-father ; doe your duty to him , sonne .

SOG.

This , sir ? a poore elder brother of mine , sir , a yeoman , may dispend some seuen or eight hundred a yeere : that 's his son , my nephew , there .

PVNT.

You are not ill-come , neighbour SORDIDO , though I haue not yet said , well-come : what , my god-sonne is growne a great proficient by this ?

SORD.

I hope he will grow great one day , sir.

FAST .

What does he studie ? the law ?

SOGL.

I sir , he is a gentleman , though his father be but a yeoman .

CARL.

What call you your nephew , signior ?

SOGL.

Mary , his name is FVNGOSO .

CARL.

FVNGOSO ? O , he lookt somwhat like a spunge in that pinckt yellow doublet , me thought : well , make much of him ; I see he was neuer borne to ride vpon a moile .

GENT. Returnd aboue .

My lady will come presently , sir.

SOGL.

O , now , now .

PVNT. Sordido & Fungoso with-draw to the other part of the stage , while the lady is come to the window .

Stand by , retire your selues a space : nay , pray you , forget not the vse of your hat ; the aire is piercing .

FAST .

What ? will not their presence preuaile against the current of his humour ?

CARL.

O , no : it 's a meere floud , a torrent , carries all afore it .

PVNT. What more then heauenly pulchritude is this ? What magazine , or treasurie of blisse ? Dazle , you organs to my optique sense , To view a creature of such eminence : O , I am planet-strooke , and in yond sphere , A brighter sharre then VENVS doth appeare ! FAST .

How ? in verse !

CARL.

An extasie , an extasie , man .

LADY .

Is your desire to speake with me , sir knight ?

CARL.

He will tell you that anon ; neither his braine , nor his body , are yet moulded for an answere .

PVNT.

Most debonaire , and luculent lady , I decline mee low , as the basis of your altitude .

GREX. CORD .

He makes congies to his wife in geometricall proportions .

MIT .

Is 't possible there should be any such Humorist ?

CORD .

Very easily possible , Sir , you see there is .

PVNT.

I haue scarse collected my spirits , but lately scatter'd in the admiration of your forme ; to which ( if the bounties of your minde be any way responsible ) I doubt not , but my desires shall finde a smooth , and secure passage . I am a poore knight errant ( lady ) that hunting in the adjacent forrest , was by aduenture in the pursuit of a hart , brought to this place ; which hart ( deare Madame ) escaped by enchantment : the euening approching ( my selfe , and seruant wearied ) my suit is , to enter your faire castle , and refresh me .

LADY .

Sir knight , albeit it be not vsuall with me ( chiefly in the absence of a husband ) to admit any entrance to strangers , yet in the true regard of those innated vertues , and faire parts , which so striue to expresse themselues , in you ; I am resolu'd to entertaine you to the best of my vnworthy power which I acknowledge to bee nothing , valew'd with what so worthy a person may deserue . Please you but stay , while I descend .

PVNT. 〈…〉 falls in with Sordido , and his sonne .

Most admir'd lady , you astonish me !

CARL.

What ? with speaking a speech of your owne penning ?

FAST .

Nay , looke ; pry thee peace .

CARL.

Pox on 't ▪ I am impatient of such fopperie .

FAST .

O , let 's heare the rest .

CARL.

What ? a tedious chapter of courtship , after sir LANCELOT , and queene GVEVENER ? away . I mar'le in what dull cold nooke he found this lady out ? that ( being a woman ) shee was blest with no more copie of wit , but to serue his humour thus . 'Slud , I thinke he feeds her with porridge , I : shee could ne're haue such a thick braine else .

SOGL.

Why , is porridge so hurtfull , signior ?

CARL.

O , nothing vnder heauen more preiudiciall to those ascending subtile powers , or doth sooner abate that which we call , acumen ingenij , then your grosse fare : why , I 'le make you an instance : your city wiues , but obserue 'hem , you ha'not more perfect true fooles i' the world bred , then they are generally ; and yet you see ( by the finenesse and delicacy of their diet , liuing into the far capons , drinking your rich wines , feeding on larkes , sparrowes , potato-pies , and such good vnctuous meats ) how their wits are refin'd , and rarefi'd ! and sometimes a very quintessence of conceit flowes from 'hem , able to drowne a weake apprehension .

FAST .

Peace , here comes the lady .

LADY . Lady with her gent. seeing them , turnes in againe .

Gods me , here 's company : turne in againe .

FAST .

Slight , our presence has cut off the conuoy of the iest .

CARL.

All the better ; I am glad on 't : for the issue was very perspicuous Come , let 's discouer , and salute the knight .

PVNT. Carlo , and the other two , step forth .

Stay : who be these that addresse themselues towards vs ? what , CARLO ? now , by the sincerity of my soule , welcome ; welcome gentlemen : and how doest thou , thou grand scourge ; or , second vntrusse of the rime ?

CARL.

Faith , spending my mettall , in this reeling world ( here and there ) as the sway of my affection carries me , and perhaps stumble vpon a yeoman pheuterer , as I doe now ; or one of Fortunes moiles , laden with treasure , and an empty cloke-bagge following him , gaping when a bagge will vntie .

PVNT.

Peace , you , ban-dogge , peace : what briske Nimfadoro is that in the white virgin boot there ?

CARL.

Mary , sir , one , that I must entreat you take a very particular knowledge of , and with more then ordinary respect : Monsieur FASTIDIVS .

PVNT.

Sir , I could wish that for the time of your vouchsaft abiding here , and more reall entertainment , this my house stood on the Muses hill ; and these my orchards were those of the Hesperide's .

FAST .

I possesse as much in your wish , sir , as if I were made lord of the Indies ; and I pray you , beleeue it .

CARL.

I haue a better opinion of his faith , then to thinke it will be so corrupted .

SOGL.

Come , brother , I 'le bring you acquainted with gentlemen , and good fellowes , such as shall doe you more grace , then —

SORD. Carlo is coming toward them . Brother , I hunger not for such acquaintance : Doe you take heede , lest — SOGL.

Husht : my brother , sir , for want of education , sir , somewhat nodding to the boore , the clowne : but I request you in priuate , sir.

FVNG.

By heauen , it 's a very fine sute of clothes !

GREX. COR.

Doe you obserue that , signior ? there 's another humour has new crackt the shell .

MIT .

What ? he is enamour'd of the fashion , is he ?

COR.

O , you forestall the iest .

FVN .

I mar'le what it might stand him in !

SOG.

Nephew ?

FVN .

'Fore mee , it 's an excellent sute , and as neatly becomes him . What said you , vncle ?

SOG.

When saw you my neece ?

FVN .

Mary , yester-night I supt there . That kinde of boot does very rare too !

SOG.

And what newes heare you ?

FVN .

The guilt spurre and all ! would I were hang'd , but 't is exceeding good . Say you , vncle ?

SOG.

Your minde is carried away with somewhat else : I aske what newes you heare ?

FVN .

Troth , we heare none . In good faith , I was neuer so pleas'd with a fashion , daies of my life ! O ( and I might haue but my wish ) I 'ld aske no more of god now , but such a suit , such a hat , such a band , such a doublet , such a hose , such a boot , and such a —

SOG.

They say , there 's a new Motion of the city of Niniueh , with IONAS , and the whale , to be seene at Fleet-bridge ? you can tell , cousin ?

FVN .

Here 's such a world of question with him , now : Yes , I thinke there be such a thing , I saw the picture : would he would once be satisfi'd . Let me see , the doublet , say fifty shillings the doublet , and betweene three or foure pound the hose ; then bootes , hat , and band : some ten or eleuen pound would doe it all , and suit me for the heauens .

SOG.

I 'le see all those deuices , and I come to London once .

FVN .

Gods s'lid , and I could compasse it , 't were rare : harke you , vncle .

SOG.

What saies my nephew ?

FVN .

Faith vncle , I 'ld ha' desir'd you to haue made a motion for me to my father in a thing , that — walke aside and I 'le tell you , sir , no more but this : there 's a parcell of law — bookes , ( some twenty pounds worth ) that lie in a place for little more then halfe the money they cost ; and I thinke for some twelue pound , or twenty marke , I could goe neere to redeeme 'hem ; there 's PLOWDEN , DIAR , BROOKE , and FITZ-HERBERT , diuers such , as I must haue ere long : and you know , I were as good saue fiue or sixe pound as not , vncle . I pray you , moue it forme .

SOG.

That I will : when would you haue me doe it ? presently ?

FVN ,

O , I , I pray you , good vncle : God send mee good luck ; Lord ( and●t be thy will ) prosper it : O , my starres , now , now , if it take now , I am made foreuer .

FAST .

Shall I tell you , sir ? by this aire , I am the most beholding to that lord , of any gentleman liuing ; hee does vse mee the most honorably , and with the greatest respect , more indeed , then can be vtter'd with any opinion of truth .

PVNT.

Then , haue you the count GRATIATO ?

FAST .

As true nobles gentleman too , as any breathes ; I am exceedingly endear'd to his loue : by this hand ( I protest to you , signior , I speake it not gloriously , nor out of affectation , but ) there 's hee , and the count FRVGALE , signior ILLVSTRE , signior LVCVLENTO , and a sort of 'hem ; that ( when I am at court ) they doe share me amongst 'hem . Happy is he can enioy me most priuate . I doe wish my selfe sometime an vbiquitarie for their loue , in good faith .

CARL.

There 's ne're a one of these , but might lie a weeke on the rack , ere they could bring forth his name ; and yet he powres them out as familiarly , as if he had scene 'hem stand by the fire i' the presence , or ta'ne tabacco with them , ouer the stage , i' the lords roome .

PVNT.

Then you must of necessity know our court-starre there ? that planet of wit , MADDONA SAVIOLINA ?

FAST .

O , lord sir ! my mistris .

PVNT.

Is shee your mistris ?

FAST .

Faith , here be some slight fauours of hers , sir , that doe speake it , shee is : as this scarfe , sir , or this ribb and in mine eare , or so ; this feather grew in her sweet sanne sometimes , though now it be my poore fortunes to weare it , as you see , sir : flight , flight , a foolish toy .

PVNT.

Well , shee is the lady of a most exalted , and ingenious spirit .

FAST .

Did you euer heare any woman speake like her ? or enricht with a more plentifull discourse ?

CARL.

O , villanous ! nothing but sound , sound , a meere eccho ; shee speakes as shee goes tir'd , in cob-web lawne , light , thin : good enough to catch flies withall .

PVNT.

O , manage your affections .

FAST .

Well , if thou beest not plagu'd for this blasphemie , one day —

PVNT.

Come , regard not a iester : it is in the power of my purse , to make him speake well , or ill , of me .

FAST .

Sir , I affirme it to you ( vpon my credit , and iudgement ) shee has the most harmonious , and musicall straine of wit , that euer tempted a true eare ; and yet to see , a rude tongue would profine heauen , if it could .

PVNT.

I am not ignorant of it , sir.

FAST .

Oh , it flowes from her like nectar , and shee doth giue it , that sweet , quick grace , and exornation in the composure , that ( by this good aire , as I am an honest man , would I might neuer stirre , sir , but ) shee does obserue as pure a phrase , and vse as choise figures in her ordinary conferences , as any be i' the Arcadia .

CARL.

Or rather in Greenes workes , whence she may steale with more security .

SORD.

Well , if ten pound will fetch 'hem , you shall haue it , but I 'le part with no more .

FVNG.

I 'le trie what that will doe , if you please .

SORD.

Doe so : and when you haue 'hem , studie hard .

FVNG.

Yes , sir. And I could studie to get forty shillings more now ! well , I will put my selfe into the fashion , as farre as this will goe presently .

SORD.

I wonder it raines not ! the Almanack saies wee should haue store of raine , today .

PVNT.

Why , sir , to morrow I will associate you to court my selfe ; and from thence to the city , about a businesse , a proiect I haue , I will expose it to you , sir : CARLO , I am sure , has heard of it .

CARL.

What 's that , sir ?

PVNT.

I doe intend , this yeere of Iubile , comming on , to trauaile : and ( because I will not altogether goe vpon expence ) I am determined to put forth some fiue thousand pound , to be paid me , fiue for one , vpon the returne of my selfe , my wife , and my dog , from the Turkes court in Constantinople . If all , or either of vs miscarry in the iourney , 't is gone : if we be successefull , why , there will be fiue and twenty thousand pound , to entertaine time withall . Nay , goe not neighbour SORDIDO , stay to night , and helpe to make our societie the fuller . Gentlemen , frolick : CARLO ? what ? dull now ?

CARL.

I was thinking on your proiect , sir , and you call it so : is this the dog goes with you ?

PVNT.

This is the dogge , sir.

CARL.

He do' not goe bare-foot , does he ?

PVNT.

Away , you traitor , away .

CARL.

Nay , afore god , I speake simply ; he may pricke his foot with a thorne , and be as much as the whole venter is worth . Besides , for a dog that neuer trauail'd before , it 's a large iourney to Constantinople : I 'le tell you now ( and he were mine ) I 'ld haue some present conference with a physicion , what antidotes were good to giue him , preseruatiues against poison : for ( assure you ) if once your money be out , there 'll be diuers attempts made against the life of the poore animal .

PVNT.

Thou art still dangerous .

FAST .

Is signior DELIROS wife your kinswoman ?

SOGL.

I , sir , shee is my neece , my brothers daughter here , and my nephewes sister .

SORD.

Doe you know her , sir ?

FAST .

O , God sir , Signior DELIRO , her husband , is my marchant .

FVNG.

I , I haue seene this gentleman there , often .

FAST .

I crie you mercy , sir : let me craue your name , pray you .

FVNG.

FVNGOSO , sir.

FAST .

Good signior FVNGOSO , I shall request to know you better , sir.

FVNG.

I am her brother , sir.

FAST .

In faire time , sir.

PVNT.

Come , gentlemen , I will be your conduct .

FAST .

Nay , pray you , sir ; we shall meet at signior DELIRO'S often .

SOGL.

You shall ha' me at the Heralds office , sir , for some weeke or so , at my first comming vp . Come , CARLO .

GREX. MIT .

Methinkes , CORDATVS , he dwelt somewhat too long on this Scene ; it hung i' the hand .

COR.

I see not where he could haue insisted lesse , and t' haue made the humours perspicuous enough .

MIT .

True , as his subiect lies : but hee might haue altered the shape of his argument , and explicated 'hem better in single Scenes .

COR.

That had beene single indeed : why ? be they not the same persons in this , as they would haue beene in those ? and is it not an obiect of more state , to behold the Scene full , and relieu'd with varietie of speakers to the end , then to see a vast emptie stage , and the actors come in ( one by one ) as if they were dropt downe with a feather , into the eye of the spectators ?

MIT .

Nay , you are better traded with these things then I , and therefore I 'le subscribe to your iudgement ; mary , you shall giue mee leaue to make obiections .

COR.

O , what else ? it 's the speciall intent of the author , you should doe so : for thereby others ( that are present ) may as well be satisfied , who happily would obiect the same you doe .

MIT .

So , sir : but when appeares MACILENTE againe ?

COR.

Mary , hee staies but till our silence giue him leaue : here hee comes , and with him signior DELIRO , a marchant , at whose house hee is come to sojourne : Make your owne obseruation now , onely transferre your thoughts to the city , with the Scene ; where , suppose they speake .

Act II. Scene IIII. DELIRO , MACILENTE , FIDO , FALLACE . I 'Le tell you by and by , sir. Welcome ( good MACILENTE ) to my house , To sojourne euen for euer : if my best In cares , and euery sort of good intreaty Deliro cometh . His boy strewes flowres . May moue you stay with me . MACI. I thanke you , sir : And yet the muffled fates ( had it pleas'd them ) Might haue suppli'd me , from their owne full store , Without this word ( I thanke you ) to a foole . I see no reason , why that dog ( call'd Chaunce ) Should fawne vpon this fellow , more then me : I am a man , and I haue limmes , flesh , bloud , Bones , sinewes , and a soule , as well as he : My parts are euery way as good as his , If I said better ? why , I did not lie . Nath'lesse , his wealth ( but nodding on my wants ) Must make me bow , and crie : ( I thanke you , sir. ) DELI . Dispatch , take heed your mistris see you not . FIDO . I warrant you , sir. I 'le steale by her softly . DELI . Nay , gentle friend , be merry , raise your lookes Out of your bosome , I protest ( by heauen ) You are the man most welcome in the world . MACI. ( I thanke you , sir , ) I know my cue , I thinke . FIDO . With more perfumes and herbes . Where wil you haue 'hem burne , sir ? DELI . Here , good FIDO ▪ What ? shee did not see thee ? FIDO . No , sir. DELI . That 's well : Strew , strew , good FIDO , the freshest flowres , so . MACI. What meanes this , signior DELIRO ? all this censing ? DELI . Cast in more frankincense , yet more , well said . O , MACILENTE , I haue such a wife ! So passing faire , so passing farre vnkind , But of such worth , and right to be vnkind , ( Since no man can be worthy of her kindnesse . ) MACI. What can there not ? DELI . No , that is sure as death , No man aliue ! I doe not say , is not , But cannot possibly be worth her kindnesse ! Nay , it is certain , let me doe her right . How , said I ? doe her right ? as though I could , As though this dull grosse tongue of mine could vtter The rare , the true , the pure , the infinite rights , That sit ( as high as I can looke ) within her ! MACI. This is such dotage , as was neuer heard . DELI . Well , this must needs be granted . MACI. Granted , quoth you ? DELI . Nay , MACILENTE ; doe not so discredit The goodnesse of your iudgement to denie it , For I doe speake the very least of her . And I would craue , and beg no more of heauen , For all my fortunes here , but to be able To vtter first in fit termes , what shee is , And then the true ioyes I conceiue in her . MACI. Is 't possible , shee should deserue so well , As you pretend ? DELI . I , and shee knowes so well Her owne deserts , that ( when I striue t' enioy them ) Shee weighs the things I doe , with what shee merits : And ( seeing my worth out-weigh'd so in her graces ) Shee is so solemne , so precise , so froward , That no obseruance I can doe to her , Can make her kind to me : if shee find fault , I mend that fault ; and then she saies , I faulted , That I did mend it . Now , good friend , aduise me , How I may temper this strange splene in her . MACI. You are too amorous , too obsequious , And make her too assur'd , shee may command you . When women doubt most of their husbands loues , They are most louing . Husbands must take heed They giue no gluts of kindnesse to their wiues , But vse them like their horses ; whom they feed Not with a manger — full of meat together , But halfe a pecke at once : and keep them so Still with an appetite to that they giue them . He that desires to haue a louing wife , Must bridle all the shew of that desire : Be kind , not amorous ; nor bewraying kindnesse , As if loue wrought , but considerate duty . " Offer no loue-rites , but let wiues still seeke them , " For when they come vnsought , they seldome like them . DELI . Beleeue me , MACILENTE , this is gospell . O , that a man were his owne man so much , To rule himselfe thus . I will striue i'faith , To be more strange and carelesse : yet , I hope I haue now taken such a perfect course , To make her kind to me , and liue contented , That I shall find my kindnesse well return'd , And haue no need to fight with my affections . Shee ( late ) hath found much fault with euery roome Within my house ; one was too big ( shee said ) Another was not furnisht to her mind , And so through all : all which , now , I haue alter'd . Then here , shee hath a place ( on my backe-side ) Wherein shee loues to walke ; and that ( shee said ) Had some ill smels about it . Now , this walke Haue I ( before shee knowes it ) thus perfum'd With herbes , and flowres , and laid in diuers places , ( AS 't were on altars , consecrate to her ) Perfumed gloues , and delicate chaines of amber , To keepe the aire in awe of her sweet nostrils : This haue I done , and this I thinke will please her . Behold , shee comes . FALL . Here 's a sweet stinke indeed : What , shall I euer be thus crost , and plagu'd ? And sicke of husband ? O , my head doth ake , As it would cleaue asunder with these fauours , All my room 's alter'd , and but one poore walke That I delighted in , and that is made So fulsome with perfumes , that I am fear'd ( My braine doth sweat so ) I haue caught the plague . DELI . Why ( gentle wife ) is now thy walke too sweet ? Thou said'st of late , it had sowre aires about it , And found'st much fault , that I did not correct it . FALL . Why , and I did find fault , sir ? DELI . Nay , deare wife ; I know , thou hast staid , thou hast lou'd perfumes , No woman better . FALL . I , long since perhaps , But now that sense is alter'd : you would haue me ( Like to a puddle , or a standing poole ) To haue no motion , nor no spirit within me . No , I am like a pure , and sprightly riuer , That moues for euer , and yet still the same ; Or fire , that burnes much wood , yet still one flame . DELI . But yesterday , I saw thee at our garden , Smelling on roses , and on purple flowres , And since , I hope , the humour of thy sense Is nothing chang'd . FALL . Why , those were growing flowres , And these , within my walke , are cut and strew'd . DELI . But yet they haue one sent . FALL . I ! haue they so ? In your grosse iudgement . If you make no difference Betwixt the sent of growing flowres , and cut ones , You haue a sense to taste lamp-oile , yfaith . And with such iudgement haue you chang'd the chambers , Leauing no roome , that I can ioy to be in , In all your house : and now my walke , and all , You smoke me from , as if I were a foxe , And long , belike , to driue me quite away . Well , walke you there , and I 'le walke where I list . DELI . What shall I doe ? Ô , I shall neuer please her , MACI. Out on thee , dotard ! what starre rul'd his birth ? That brought him such a starre ? blind Fortune still Bestowes her gifts on such as cannot vse them : How long shall I liue , ere I be so happy , To haue a wife of this exceeding forme ? DELI . Away , with 'hem , would I had broke a ioynt , Fido beares all away . When I deuis'd this , that should so dislike her . Away , beare all away . FALL . I , doe : for feare Ought that is there should like her . O , this man , How cunningly he can conceale himselfe ! As though he lou'd ? nay , honour'd , and ador'd ? DELI . Why , my sweet heart ? FALL . Sweetheart ! Ô ! better still ! And asking , why ? wherefore ? and looking strangely , As if he were as white as innocence . Alas , you 'r simple , you : you cannot change , Looke pale at pleasure , and then red with wonder : No , no , not you ! 't is pitty o' your naturalls . I did but cast an amorous eye , e'en now , Vpon a paire of gloues , that somewhat lik't me , And straight he noted it , and gaue command , All should be ta'ne away . DELI . Be they nay bane then . What , sirra , FIDO , bring in those gloues againe , You tooke from hence . FALL . S'body , sir , but doe not , Bring in no gloues , to spite me : if you doe — DELI . Ay , me , most wretched ; how am I misconstru'd ? MACI. O , how shee tempts my heart-strings , with her eye , To knit them to her beauties , or to breake ? What mou'd the heauens , that they could not make Me such a woman ? but a man , a beast , That hath no blisse like to others . Would to heauen ( In wreake of my misfortunes ) I were turn'd To some faire water - Nymph , that ( set vpon The deepest whirle-pit of the rau'nous seas , ) My adamantine eyes might head-long hale This iron world to me , and drowne it all . GREX. COR. Behold , behold , the translated gallant . MIT . O , he is welcome .

Act II. Scene V. FVNGOSO . To the rest .

SAue you brother , and sister , saue you , sir ; I haue commendations for you out in the countrey : ( I wonder they take no knowledge of my sute : ) mine vncle SOCLIARDO is in towne . Sister , me thinkes , you are melancholy : why are you so sad ? I thinke you tooke me for master FASTIDIVS BRISLE ( sister ) did you not .

FALL .

Why should I take you for him ?

FVNG.

Nay , nothing — I was lately in master FASTIDIVS his company , and , me thinkes , we are very like .

DELI .

You haue a faire sute , brother , 'giue you ioy on 't .

FVNG.

Faith , good ynough to ride in , brother , I made it to ride in .

FALL .

O , now I see the cause of his idle demand , was his new suit .

DELI .

Pray you good brother , trie , if you can change her mood .

FVNG.

I warrant you , let mee alone . I 'le put her out of her dumps . Sister , how like you my suit ?

FALL .

O , you are a gallant in print now , brother .

FVNG.

Faith , how like you the fashion ? it 's the last edition , I assure you .

FALL .

I cannot but like it , to the desert .

FVNG.

Troth , sister , I was faine to borrow these spurres , I ha' left my gowne in gage for 'hem , pray you lend me an angell .

FALL .

Now , beshrow my heart , then .

FVNG.

Good truth , I 'le pay you againe at my next exhibition : I had but bare ten pound of my father , and it would not reach to put me wholly into the fashion .

FALL .

I care not .

FVNG.

I had spurres of mine owne before , but they were not ginglers . Monsieur FASTIDIVS will be here anon , sister .

FALL .

You iest ?

FVNG.

Neuer lend me penny more ( while you line then ) and that I 'ld be loth to say , in truth .

FALL .

When did you see him ?

FVNG.

Yesterday , I came acquainted with him at sir PVNTARVOLO'S : nay , sweet sister .

MACI. I faine would know of heauen now , why yond foole Should weare a suit of sattin ? he ? that rooke ? That painted jay , with such a deale of out-side ? What is his inside trow ? ha , ha , ha , ha , ha . Good heauen , giue me patience , patience , patience . A number of these popen jayes there are , Whom , if a man conferre , and but examine Their inward merit , with such men as want ; Lord , lord , what things they are ! FALL . Come , when will you pay me againe , now ? FVNG. O god , sister ! MACI. Here comes another .

Act II. Scene VI. FASTIDIVS BRISKE . To the rest .

SAue you , signior DELIRO : how do'st thou , sweet lady ? Let mee kisse thee .

FVNG.

How ? a new sute ? Ayme .

DELI .

And how do's master FASTIDIVS BRISKE ?

FAST .

Faith , liue in court , signior DELIRO ; in grace , I thanke god , both of the noble masculine , and feminine . I must speake with you in priuate , by and by .

DELI .

When you please , sir.

FALL .

Why looke you so pale , brother ?

FVNG.

S'lid , all this money is cast away , now .

MACI.

I , there 's a newer edition come forth .

FVNG.

T is but my hard fortune ! well , I 'le haue my sute chang'd , I 'le goe fetch my taylor presently , but first I 'le deuise a letter to my father . Ha' you any pen , and inke , sister ?

FALL .

What would you doe withall ?

FVNG.

I would vse it . S'light , and it had come but foure daies sooner , the fashion .

FAST .

There was a countesse gaue me her hand to kisse to day , i' the presence : did me more good by that light , then — and yesternight sent her coach twise to my lodging , to intreat mee accompany her , and my sweet mistris , with some two , or three namelesse ladies more : O , I haue beene grac't by 'hem beyond all aime of affection : this 's her garter my dagger hangs in : and they doe so commend , and approue my apparell , with my iudicious wearing of it , it 's aboue wonder .

FALL .

Indeed sir , 't is a most excellent sute , and you doe weare it as extraordinary .

FAST .

Why , I 'le tell you now ( in good faith ) and by this chaire , which ( by the grace of god ) I intend presently to sit in , I had three sutes in one yeere , made three great ladies in loue with me : I had other three , vn-did three gentlemen in imitation : and other three , gat three other gentlemen widdowes of three thousand pound a yeere .

DELI .

Is 't possible ?

FAST .

O , beleeue it , sir ; your good face is the witch , and your apparell the spells , that bring all the pleasures of the world into their circle .

FALL .

Ah , the sweet grace of a courtier !

MACI.

Well , would my father had left mee but a good face for my portion yet ; though I had shar'd the vnfortunate wit that goes with it , I had not car'd : I might haue past for somewhat i' the world then .

FAST .

Why , assure you , signior , rich apparell has strange vertues : it makes him that hath it without meanes , esteemed for an excellent wit : he that enioyes it with means , puts the world in remembrance of his means : it helps the deformities of nature , and giues lustre to her beauties ; makes continuall holy-day where it shines ; sets the wits of ladies at worke , that otherwise would be idle : furnisheth your two-shilling ordinarie ; takes possession of your stage at your new play ; and enricheth your oares , as scorning to goe with your scull .

MACI.

Pray you , sir , adde this ; it giues respect to your fooles , makes many theeues , as many strumpets , and no fewer bankrupts .

FALL .

Out , out , vnworthy to speake , where he breatheth .

FAST .

What 's he , signior ?

DELI .

A friend of mine , sir.

FAST .

By heauen , I wonder at you , citizens , what kinde of creatures you are !

DELI .

Why , sir ?

FAST .

That you can consort your selues , with such poore seame-rent fellowes .

FALL .

He saies true .

DELI .

Sir , I will assure you ( how euer you esteeme of him ) he 's a man worthy of regard .

FAST .

Why ? what has he in him , of such vertue to be regarded ? ha ?

DELI .

Mary , he is a scholler , sir.

FAST .

Nothing else ?

DELI .

And he is well trauail'd .

FAST .

He should get him clothes ; I would cherish those good parts of trauaile in him , and preferre him to some nobleman of good place .

DELI .

Sir , such a benefit should bind me to you for euer ( in my friends right ) and , I doubt not , but his desert shall more then answere my praise .

FAST .

Why , and he had good clothes , I 'ld carry him to court with me to morrow .

DELI .

He shall not want for those , sir , if gold and the whole city will furnish him .

FAST .

You say well , sir : faith , signior DELIRO , I am come to haue you play the Alchymist with me , and change the species of my land , into that mettall you talke of .

DELI .

With all my heart , sir , what summe will serue you ?

FAST .

Faith , some three , or foure hundred .

DELI .

Troth , sir , I haue promist to meet a gentleman this morning , in Paules , but vpon my returne I 'le dispatch you .

FAST .

I 'le accompany you thither .

DELI .

As you please , sir ; but I goe not thither directly .

FAST .

'T is no matter , I haue no other designement in hand , and therefore as good goe along .

DELI .

I were as good haue a quartane feauer follow me now , for I shall ne're bee rid of him : ( being mee a cloke there , one ) Still , vpon his grace at court , am I sure to bee visited ; I was a beast to giue him any hope . Well , would I were in , that I am out with him , once , and — Come , signior MACILENTE , I must conferre with you , as wee goe . Nay , deare wife , I beseech thee , forsake these moods : looke not like winter thus . Here , take my keyes , open my counting houses , spread all my wealth before thee , choose any obiect that delights thee : If thou wilt eate the spirit of gold , and drinke dissolu'd pearle in wine , 't is for thee .

FALL .

So , sir.

DELI .

Nay , my sweet wife .

FALL .

Good lord ! how you are perfum'd ! in your termes , and al ! pray you leaue vs.

DELI .

Come , gentlemen .

FAST .

Adiew , sweet lady .

FALL .

I , I ! Let thy words euer sound in mine eares , and thy graces disperse contentment through all my senses ! O , how happy is that lady aboue other ladies , that enioyes so absolute a gentleman to her seruant ! A countesse giue him her hand to kisse ? ah , foolish countesse ! hee 's a man worthy ( if a woman may speake of a mans worth ) to kisse the lips of an empresse .

FVNG. Returnd with his taylor .

What 's master FASTIDIVS gone , sister ?

FALL .

I , brother ( he has a face like a Cherubin ! )

FVNG.

Gods me , what lucke 's this ? I haue fetcht my taylor and all : which way went he , sister ? can you tell ?

FALL .

Not I , in good faith ( and he has a body like an angell ! )

FVNG.

How long is 't since he went ?

FALL .

Why , but e'en now : did you not meet him ? ( and a tongue able to rauish any woman i' the earth ! )

FVNG.

O , for gods sake ( I 'le please you for your paines : ) but e'en now , say you ? Come , good , sir : S'lid , I had forgot it too : Sister , if any body aske for mine vncle SOGLIARDO , they shall ha' him at the Heralds office , yonder by Paules .

FALL .

Well , I will not altogether despaire : I haue heard of a citizens wife , has beene belou'd of a courtier ; and why not I ? heigh , ho : well , I will into my priuate chamber , locke the dore to mee , and thinke ouer all his good parts , one after another .

GREX. MIT .

Well , I doubt , this last Scene will endure some grieuous torture .

COR.

How ? you feare 't will be rackt , by some hard construction ?

MIT .

Doe not you ?

COR.

No , in good faith : vnlesse mine eyes could light mee beyond sense . I see no reason , why this should be more liable to the racke , then the rest : you 'le say , perhaps , the city will not take it well , that the marchant is made here to dote so perfectly vpon his wife ; and shee againe , to bee so Fastidiously affected , as shee is ?

MIT .

You haue vtter'd my thought , sir , indeed .

COR.

Why ( by that proportion ) the court might as wel take offence at him we call the courtier , and with much more pretext , by how much the place transcends , and goes before in dignitie and vertue : but can you imagine that any noble , or true spirit in court ( whose sinowie , and altogether vn-affected graces , very worthily expresse him a courtier ) will make any exception at the opening of such an emptie trunke , as this BRISKE is ? or thinke his owne worth empeacht , by beholding his motley inside ?

MIT .

No sir , I doe not .

COR.

No more , assure you , will any graue , wise citizen , or modest matron , take the obiect of this folly in DELIRO , and his wife : but rather apply it as the foile to their owne vertues . For that were to affirme , that a man , writing of NERO , should meane all Emperors : or speaking of MACHIAVEL , comprehend all States-men ; or in our SORDIDO , all Farmars ; and so of the rest : then which , nothing can be vtter'd more malicious , or absurd . Indeed , there are a sort of these narrow-ey'd decypherers , I confesse , that will extort strange , and abstruse meanings out of any subiect , be it neuer so conspicuous and innocently deliuer'd . But to such ( where e're they sit conceal'd ) let them know , the author defies them , and their writing-tables ; and hopes , no sound or safe iudgement will infect it selfe with their contagious comments , who ( indeed ) come here only to peruert , and poison the sense of what they heare , and for nought else .

MIT .

Stay , what new Mute is this , that walkes so suspiciously ?

COR.

O , mary this is one , for whose better illustration ; we must desire you to presuppose the stage , the middle isle in Paules ; and that , the west end of it .

MIT .

So , sir : and what followes ?

COR.

Faith , a whole volume of humour , and worthy the vnclasping .

MIT .

As how ? what name doe you giue him first ?

COR.

He hath shift of names , sir : some call him APPLE IOHN , some Signior WHIFFE , mary , his maine standing name is CAVALIER SHIFT : the rest are but as cleane shirts to his natures .

MIT .

And what makes he in Paules , now ?

COR.

Troth , as you see , for the aduancement of a Siquis , or two ; wherein he has so varied himselfe , that if any one of 'hem take , he may hull vp and downe i' the humorous world , a little longer .

MIT .

It seemes then , he beares a very changing saile ?

COR.

O , as the wind , sir : here comes more .

Act III.

Scene I. SHIFT , ORANGE , CLOVE .

THis is rare , I haue set vp my bills , without discouery .

ORAN .

What ? Signior WHIFFE ? what fortune has brought you into these west parts ?

SHIFT .

Troth , signior , nothing but your rheume ; I haue beene taking an ounce of tabacco hard by here , with a gentleman , and I am come to spit priuate , in Paules . Saue you sir.

ORAN .

Adieu , good signior WHIFFE .

CLOVE .

Master APPLE IOHN ? you are well met : when shall we sup together ; and laugh , and be fat with those good wenches ? ha ?

SHIFT .

Faith , sir , I must now leaue you , vpon a few humours , and occasions : but when you please , sir.

CLOVE .

Farewell , sweet APPLE IOHN : I wonder , there are no more store of gallants here !

GREX. MIT .

What be these two , signior ?

COR.

Mary , a couple sir , that are meere strangers to the whole scope of our play ; only come to walke a turne or two , i'th is Scene of Paules , by chance .

ORAN .

Same you , good master CLOVE .

CLOVE .

Sweet master ORANGE .

GREX. MIT .

How ? CLOVE , and ORANGE ?

COR.

I , and they are well met , for 't is as drie an ORANGE as euer grew : nothing , but Salutation ; and , O god , sir ; and , It pleases you to say so , Sir ; one that can laugh at a iest for company with a most plausible , and extemporall grace ; and some houre after , in priuate , aske you what it was : the other , monsieur CLOVE , is a more spic't youth : he will fit you a whole afternoone sometimes , in a booke-sellers shop , reading the Greeke , Italian , and Spanish ; when he vnderstands not a word of either : if he had the tongues , to his sutes , he were an excellent linguist .

CLOVE .

Doe you heare this reported , for certainty ?

ORAN .

O god , sir.

Act III. Scene II. PVNTARVOLO , CARLO .

SIrrah , take my cloke : and you sir knaue , follow mee closer . If thou losest my dogge , thou shalt die a dogs death ; I will hang thee .

CARL.

Tut , feare him not , hee 's a good leane slaue , he loues a dog well , I warrant him ; I see by his lookes , I : masse hee 's somwhat like him . Slud poison him , make him away with a crooked pinne , or somewhat , men ; thou maist haue more security of thy life : and so sir , what ? you ha' not put out your whole venter yet ? ha' you ?

PVNT.

No , I doe want yet some fifteene , or sixteene hundred pounds : but my lady ( my wife ) is out of her humour ; shee does not now goe .

CARL.

No ? how then ?

PVNT.

Mary , I am now enforc't to giue it out , vpon the returne of my selfe , my dogge , and my cat .

CARL.

Your cat ? where is shee ?

PVNT.

My squire has her there , in the bag : Sirrah , looke to her : How lik'st thou my change , CARLO ?

CARL.

Oh , for the better , sir ; your cat has nine lines , and your wife ha' but one .

PVNT.

Besides , shee will neuer bee sea-sicke , which will saue mee so much in conserues : when saw you signior SOGLIARDO ?

CARL.

I came from him but now , he is at the Heralds office yonder : he requested me to goe afore , and take vp a man or two for him in Paules , against his cognisance was ready .

PVNT.

What ? has he purchast armes , then ?

CARL.

I , and rare ones too : of as many colours , as e're you saw any fooles coat in your life . I 'le goe looke among yond' bills , and I can fit him with legs to his armes —

PVNT. They goe to looke vpon the bills .

With legs to his armes ! Good : I will goe with you , sir.

Act III. Scene III. FASTIDIVS , DELIRO , MACILENTE .

COme , let 's walke in Mediterraneo : I assure you , sir , I am not the least respected among ladies ; but let that passe : doe you know how to goe into the presence , sir ?

MACI.

Why , on my feet , sir.

FAST .

No , on your head , sir : for 't is that must beare you out , I assure you : as thus , sir. You must first haue an especial care so to weare your hat , that it oppresse not confusedly this your predominant , or fore-top ; because ( when you come at the presence dore ) you may , with once or twice stroking vp your fore-head thus , enter , with your predominant perfect : that is , standing vp stiffe .

MACI.

As if one were frighted ?

FAST .

I , sir.

MACI.

Which indeed , a true feare of your mistris should doe , rather than gumme water , or whites of egges : is 't not so , sir ?

FAST .

An ingenious obseruation : giue mee leaue to craue your name , Sir .

DELI .

His name is , MACILENTE , sir.

FAST .

Good signior MACILENTE : if this gentleman , signior DELIRO , furnish you ( as he saies he will ) with clothes , I will bring you , to morrow by this time , into the presence of the most diuine , and acute lady in court : you shall see sweet silent rhetorique , and dumbe eloquence speaking in her eye ; but when shee speakes her selfe , such an anatomie of wit , so sinewiz'd and arteriz'd , that 't is the goodliest modell of pleasure that euer was to behold . Oh! shee strikes the world into admiration of her ; ( ô , ô , ô ) I cannot expresse 'hem , beleuue me .

MACI.

O , your onely admiration , is your silence , sir.

PVNT.

'Fore god , CARLO , this is good ; let 's reade 'hem againe . If there be any lady , or gentlewoman of good carriage , that is desirous to entertaine ( to her priuate vses ) a yong , straight , and vpright gentleman , of the age of fiue , or sixe and twenty at the most : who can serue in the nature of a gentleman vsher , and hath little legges of purpose , and a blacke satten fute of his owne , to goe before her in : which fute ( for the more sweetning ) now lies in lauander : and can hide his face with her fanne , if neede require : or sit in the cold at the staire foot for her , as well as another gentleman : Let her subscribe her name and place , and diligent respect shall be giuen . This is above measure exellent ! ha ?

CARL.

No , this , this ! here 's a fine slaue .

PVNT.

IF this city , or the suburbs of the same , doe affoord any yong gentleman , of the first , second , or third head , more or lesse , whose friends are but lately deceased , and whose lands are but new come to his hands , that ( to bee as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary gallants are ) is affected to entertaine the most gentlemanlike vse of tabacco : as first , to giue it the most exquisite perfume ; then , to know all the delicate sweet formes for the assumption of it : as also the rare corollarie , and practice of the Cuban ebolition , EVRIPVS , and whiffe ; which hee shall receiue , or take in , here at London , and euaporate at Vxbridge , or farder , if it please him . If there be any such generous spirit , that is truly enamour'd of these good faculties : May it please him , but ( by a note of his hand ) to specifie the place , or ordinarie where hee vses to eate , and lie ; and most sweet attendance , with tabacco , and pipes of the best sort , shall be ministred : STET QVAESO CANDIDE LECTOR .

PVNT.

Why this is without paralell , this !

CARL.

Well , I 'le marke this fellow for SOGLIARDO'S vse presently .

PVNT.

Or rather , SOGLIARDO , for his vse ,

CARL.

Faith , either of 'hem will serue , they are both good properties : I 'le designe the other a place too , that we may see him .

PVNT.

No better place , then the Mitre , that we may bee spectators with you , CARLO . Soft , behold , who enters here : Signior SOGLIARDO ! saue you .

Act III. Scene IIII. SOGLIARDO . To them .

SAue you , good sir PVNTARVOLO ; your dogge 's in health , sir , I see : how now , CARLO ?

CARL.

Wee haue ta'ne simple paines , to choose you out followers here .

PVNT.

Come hither , signior .

CLOVE . They shew him the bills .

Monsieur ORANGE , yond' gallants obserue vs ; pr'y thee let 's talke fustian a little , and gull 'hem : make 'hem beleeue we are great schollers .

ORANG .

O lord , sir.

CLOVE .

Nay , pr'y thee let 's , beleeue me , you haue an excellent habit in discourse .

ORANG .

It pleases you to say so , sir.

CLOVE .

By this church , you ha' la : nay , come , begin : ARISTOTLE in his Daemonologia , approues SCALIGER for the best Nauigator in his time : and in his Hypercritiques , he reports him to be Heautontimorumenos : you vnderstand the Greeke , sir ?

ORANG .

O god , sir.

MACIL .

For societies sake he does . O , here be a couple of fine tame parrats .

CLOVE .

Now , sir , whereas the Ingenuitie of the time , and the soules Synderisis are but Embrions in nature , added to the panch of Esquiline , and the Inter-vallum of the Zodiack , besides the Eclipticke line being opticke , and not mentall , but by the contemplatiue & theoricke part thereof , doth demonstrate to vs the vegetable circumference , and the ventositie of the Tropicks and whereas our intellectuall , or mincing capreall ( according to the Metaphisicks ) as you may reade in PLATO's Histriomastix — You conceiue me , sir ?

ORANG .

O lord , sir.

CLOVE .

Then comming to the pretty Animall , as Reason long since is fled to animalls , you know , or indeed for the more modellizing , or enamelling , or rather diamondizing of your subiect , you shall perceiue the Hipothesis , or Galaxia , ( whereof the Meteors long since had their initiall inceptions and notions ) to be meerely Pithagoricall , Mathematicall , and Aristocraticall — For looke you , sir , there is euer a kinde of concinnitie and species — Let vs turne to our former discourse , for they marke vs not .

FAST .

Masse , yonder 's the knight PVNTARVOLO .

DELI .

And my cousin SOGLIARDO , me thinkes .

MACI.

I , and his familiar that baunts him , the deuill with a shining face .

DELI . Sogliardo , Puntarvolo , Carlo , walke .

Let 'hem alone , obserue 'hem not .

SOGL.

Nay , I will haue him , I am resolute for that . By this parchment , gentlemen , I haue beene so toil'd among the Harrots yonder , you will not beleeue , they doe speake i' the strangest language , and giue a man the hardest termes for his money , that euer you knew .

CARL.

But ha' you armes ? ha' your armes ?

SOGL.

Y faith , I thanke god , I can write my selfe gentlemen now , here 's my pattent , it cost me thirtie pound , by this breath .

PVNT.

A very saire coat , well charg'd , and full of armorie .

SOGL.

Nay , it has as much varietie of colours in it , as you haue seene a cost haue , how like you the crest , sir ?

PVNT.

I vnderstand it not well , what is 't ?

SOGL.

Mary , sir , it is your Bore without a head Rampant .

PVNT.

A Bore without a head , that 's very rare !

CARL.

I , and rampant too : troth , I commend the Heralds wit , hee has decyphered him well : A Swine without a head , without braine , wit , any thing indeed , ramping to gentilitie . You can blazon the rest , signior ? can you not ?

SOGL.

O , I , I haue it in writing here of purpose , it cost me two shillings the tricking .

CARL.

Let 's heare , let 's heare .

PVNT. They salute as they meet in the vallie .

It is the most vile , foolish , absurd , palpable , & ridiculous escutcheon , that euer this eye survis'd . Saue you , good monsieur FASTIDIVS .

CARL.

Silence , good knight : on , on .

SOGL.

GVRONY , of eight peeces ; AZVRE and GVLES , betweene three plates ; a CHEV'RON , engrailed checkey , OR , VERT , and ERMINES ; on a cheefe ARGENT betweene two ANN'LETS , sables ; a Bores head , PROPER .

CARL.

How 's that ? on a cheefe ARGENT ?

SOGL. Here they 〈…〉 with Puntaruolo Carlo , and Sogliardo , 〈…〉 and Orange , 〈…〉 .

On a cheefe ARGENT , a Bores head , PROPER betweene two ANN'LETS sables .

CARL.

S'lud , it 's a Hogs-cheeke , and puddings in a pewter field this .

SOGL.

How like you 'hem , signior ?

PVNT.

Let the word bee , Not without mustard ; your crest is very rare , sir.

CARL.

A frying pan to the crest had had no fellow .

FAST .

Intreat your poore friend to walke off a little , signior , I will salute the knight .

CARL.

Come , lap 't vp , lap 't vp .

FAST .

You are right well encountred , sir , how do's your saire dog ?

PVNT.

In reasonable state , sir : what citizen is that you were consorted with ? a marchant of any worth ?

FAST .

'T is signior DELIRO , sir.

PVNT. Salute .

Is it he ? Saue you , sir.

DELI .

Good sir PVNTARVOLO .

MACI.

O , what copie of foole would this place minister , to one endew'd with patience , to obserue it ?

CARL.

Nay , looke you sir , now you are gentleman , you must carry a more exalted presence , change your mood , and habit , to a more austere forme , be exceeding proud , stand vpon your gentilitie , and scorne euery man . Speake nothing humbly , neuer discourse vnder a nobleman , though you ne're saw him butriding to the Starre-chamber , it 's all one . Loue no man . Trust no man . Speake ill of no man to his face : nor well of any man behind his backe . Salute fairely on the front , and wish 'hem hang'd vpon the turne . Spread your selfe vpon his bosome publikely , whose heart you would eate in priuate . These be principles , thinke on 'hem , I 'le come to you againe presently .

PVNT.

Sirra , keepe close ; yet not so close : thy breath will thawmy ruffe .

SOGI .

O , good cousin , I am a little busie , how do's my neece ? I am to walke with a knight , here .

Act III. Scene V. FVNGOSO . TAYLOR . To them .

O He is here , looke you sir , that 's the gentleman .

TAIL .

What , he i' the blush-colour'd sattin ?

FVNG.

I , he sir : though his sute blush , hee blushes not , looke you , that 's the sute , sir : I would haue mine , such a sute without difference , such stuffe , such a wing , such a sleeue , such a skirt , belly , and all ; therefore , pray you obserue it . Haue you a paire of tables ?

FAST .

Why , doe you see , sir ? they say I am phantasticall : why , true , I know it , and I pursue my humour still , in contempt of this censorious age . S'light , and a man should doe nothing , but what a sort of stale iudgements about this towne will approue in him , he were a sweet asse : I 'ld beg him yfaith . I ne're knew any more find fault with a fashion , then they that knew not how to put themselues in to 't . For mine owne part , so I please mine owne appetite , I am carelesse what the fustie world speakes of me . Puh .

FVNG.

Doe you marke , how it hangs at the knee there ?

TAIL .

I warrant you , sir.

FVNG.

For gods sake , doe , note all : doe you see the collar , sir ?

TAIL .

Feare nothing , it shall not differ in a stitch , sir.

FVNG.

Pray heau'n , it doe not , you 'le make these linings serue ? and helpe me to a chapman for the out-side , will you ?

TAIL .

I 'le doe my best , sir : you 'le put it off presently ?

FVNG.

I , goe with mee to my chamber , you shall haue it — but make haste of it , for the loue of a customer , for I 'le fit i' my old sute , or else lie a bed , and reade the Arcadia , till you haue done .

CARL.

O , if euer you were strucke with a iest , gallants , now , now . I doe vsher the most strange peece of militarie profession , that euer was discouer'd in Insula Paulina .

FAST .

Where ? where ?

PVNT.

What is he , for a creature ?

CARL.

A pimpe , a pimpe , that I haue obseru'd yonder , the rarest superficies of a humour ; hee comes euery morning to emptie his hangs in Paules here : and offers vp some fiue , or sixe Hecatomb's of faces , and sighes , and away againe . Here he comes ; nay , walke , walke , be not seene to note him , and we shall haue excellent sport .

Act III. Scene VI. SHIFT . To them . PVN .

S'Lid , hee vented a sigh●'ne now , I thought he would haue blowne vp the church .

CAR.

O , you shall haue him giue a number of those false fires ere hee depart .

FAST .

See , now he is expostulating with his rapier ! looke , looke .

CARL.

Did you euer , in your daies , obserue better passion ouer a hilt ?

PVNT.

Except it were in the person of a cutlers boy , or that the fellow were nothing but vapour , I should thinke it impossible .

CARL.

See , againe , he claps his sword o' the head , as who should say , well , goe to .

FAST .

O violence ! I wonder the blade can containe it selfe , being so prouokt .

CARL. With that , the moody squire thumpt his brest , Andrear'd his eyen to heauen , for reuenge . SOGL.

Troth , and you be good gentlemen let 's make 'hem friends , and take vp the matter , betweene his rapier , and him .

CARL.

Nay , if you intend that , you must lay downe the matter , for this rapier ( it seemes ) is in the nature a hanger on , and the good gentleman would happily be rid of him .

FAST .

By my faith , and 't is to be suspected , I 'le aske him .

MACI. O , here 's rich stuffe , for lifes sake , let vs goe . A man would wish himselfe a senselesse pillar , Rather then view these monstrous prodigies : Nil habet infoelix paupertas durius in se , Quàm quòd ridiculos homines facit — FAST .

Signior .

SHIFT .

At your seruice .

FAST .

Will you sell your rapier ?

CARL.

Sbloud , he is turn'd wild vpon the question , hee lookes as hee had seene a serjeant .

SHIFT .

Sell my rapier ? now fate blesse me .

PVNT.

Amen .

SHIFT .

You ask't me , if I would sell my rapier , sir ?

FAST .

I did indeed .

SHIFT .

Now , lord haue mercy vpon me .

PVNT.

Amen , I say still .

SHIFT .

S'lud sir , what should you behold in my face , sir , that should moue you ( as they say , sir ) to aske me , sir , if I would sell my rapier ?

FAST .

Nay ( let me pray you , sir ) bee not mou'd : I protest , I would rather haue beene silent , then any way offensiue , had I knowne your nature .

SHIFT .

Sell my rapier ? 'ods lid ! Nay , sir ( for mine owne part ) as I am a man that has seru'd in causes , or so , so I am not apt to injure any gentleman in the degree of falling foule , but ( sell my rapier ? ) I will tell you sir , I haue seru'd with this foolish rapier , where some of vs dare not appeare in haste , I name no man : but let that passe . ( Sell my rapier ? ) death to my lungs . This rapier , sir , has trauail'd by my side , sir , the best part of France and the low Countrey : I haue seene Vlishing Brill , and the Haghe , with this rapier , sir , in my lord of Leysters time : and ( by gods will ) he that should offer to disrapier me now , I would — Looke you sir , you presume to be a gentleman of sort , and so likewise your friends here , if you haue any disposition to trauell , for the sight of seruice , or so , one , two , or all of you , I can lend you letters to diuers officers and commanders in the low Countries , that shall for my cause doe you all the good offices , that shall pertaine or belong to gentlemen of your — Please you to shew the bountie of your minde , sir , to impart some ten groates , or halfe a crowne to our vse , till our abilitie be of grow'th to returne it , and we shall thinke our selfe — Sbloud ! sell my rapier ?

SOGL.

I pray you , what said he , signior , hee 's a proper man .

FAST .

Mary , he tells me , if I please to shew the bountie of my mind , to impart some ten groats to his vse , or so .

PVNT.

Breake his head , and giue it him .

CARL.

I thought he had beene playing o' the Iewes trump , I.

SHIFT .

My rapier ? no sir : my rapier is my guard , my defence , my reuenew , my honour : ( if you cannot impart , be secret , I beseech you ) and I will maintaine it , where there is a graine of dust , or a drop of water . ( Hard is the choise when the valiant must eat their armes , or clem : ) Sell my rapier ? no , my deare , I will not bee diuorc't from thee , yet , I haue euer found thee true as steele — and ( you cannot impart sir ? ) Saue you gentlemen : ( neuerthelesse if you haue a fancie to it , sir. )

FAST .

Pr'y thee away : is Signior DELIRO departed ?

CAR.

Ha' you seene a pimpe out-face his owne wants better ?

SOG.

I commend him , that can dissemble 'hem so well .

PVNT.

True , and hauing no better a cloke for it , then he has neither .

FAST .

Gods precious , what mischieuous lucke is this ! adiew gentlemen .

PVNT.

Whither ? in such haste , Monsieur FASTIDIVS ?

FAST .

After my marchant , signior DELIRO , sir.

CARL.

O hinder him not , hee may hap lose his tide , a good flounder i'faith .

ORAN .

Harke you , signior WHIFFE , a word with you .

CARL. Orange and Clove call Shift aside .

How ? signior WHIFFE ?

ORAN .

What was the difference betweene that gallant that 's gone , and you , sir.

SHIFT .

No difference : he would ha'giu'n mee fiue pound for my rapier , and I refus'd it ; that 's all .

CLOVE .

O , was 't no otherwise ? wee thought you had beene vpon some termes .

SHIFT .

No other then you saw , sir.

CLOVE .

Adieu , good Master APPLE-IOHN .

CARL.

How ? WHIFFE , and APPLE-IOHN too ? Heart , what 'll you say if this be the appendix , or labell to both yond' indentures ?

PVNT.

It may be .

CARL.

Resolue vs of it , IANVS , thou that look'st euery way : or thou HERCVLES , that hast trauail'd all countries .

PVNT.

Nay , CARLO , spend not time in inuocations now , 't is late .

CARL.

Signior , here 's a gentleman desirous of your name , sir.

SHIFT .

Sir , my name is CAVALIER SHIFT : I am knowne sufficiently in this walke , sir.

CARL.

SHIFT ? I heard your name varied e'en now , as I take it .

SHIFT .

True , sir , it pleases the world ( as I am her excellent Tabbacconist ) to giue me the stile of signior WHIFFE : as I am a poore esquire about the towne here , they call mee Master APPLE-IOHN . Varierie of good names does well , sir.

CARL.

I , and good parts , to make those good names : out of which I imagine yond' bils to be yours .

SHIFT .

Sir , if I should denie the manuscripts , I were worthie to be banisht the middle I 'le , for euer .

CARL.

I take your word , sir : this gentleman has subscrib'd to 'hem , and is most desirous to become your pupill . Mary you must vse expedition . Signior Insulso Sogliardo , this is the professor .

SOGL.

In good time , sir , nay , good sir , house your head , doe you professe those sleights in tabacco ?

SHIFT .

I , doe more then professe , sir , and ( if you please to bee a practitioner ) I wil vndertake in one fortnight to bring you , that you shal take it plausibly in any ordinarie , theatre , or the tilt-yard , if need be , i' the most popular assembly that is .

PVNT.

But you cannot bring him to the whiffe so soone ?

SHIFT .

Yes , as soone , sir , hee shall receiue the first , second , and third whiffe , if it please him , and ( vpon the receit ) take his horse , drinke his three cups of Canarie , and expose one at Hounslow , a second at Stanes , and a third at Bogshot .

CARL.

Baw-waw !

SOGL.

You will not serue mee , sir , will your I 'le giue you more then countenance .

SHIFT .

Pardon me , sir , I doe scorne to serue any man .

CARL.

Who ? he serue ? Sbloud he keepes high men , and low men , he ; he has a faire liuing at Fullam .

SHIFT .

But in the nature of a fellow , I 'le bee your follower , if you please .

SOGL.

Sir , you shall stay , and dine with mee , and if wee can agree , wee le not part in haste : I am verie bountifull to men of qualitie . Where shall we goe , signior ?

PVNT.

Your Miter is your best house .

SHIFT .

I can make this dogge take as many whiffes as I list , and hee shall retaine , or efume them at my pleasure .

PVNT.

By your patience , follow me , fellowes .

SOGL.

Sir , PVNTARVOLO !

PVNT.

Pardon mee , my dogge shall not eate in his companie for a million .

CARL.

Nay , bee not you amaz'd , signior WHIFFE , what e're that stiffeneckt gentleman say's .

SOGL.

No , for you doe not know the humour of the Dogge , as wee doe : where shall we dine , CARLO ? I would faine goe to one of these ordinaries , now I am a gentleman .

CARL.

So you may , were you neuer at any yet ?

SOGL.

No faith , but they say , there resorts your most choise gallants .

CARL.

True , and the fashion is , when any stranger comes in among'st 'hem , they all stand vp and stare at him , as he were some vnknowne beast , brought out of Affrick , but that 'll bee help't with a good aduenturous face , you must be impudent ynough , sit downe , and vse no respect ; when any thing 's propounded aboue your capacitie , smile at it , make two or three faces , and 't is excellent , they 'le thinke you haue trauail'd : though you argue a whole day in silence thus , and discourse in nothing but laughter , 't will passe . Onely ( now and then ) giue fire , discharge a good full oth , and offer a great wager , 't will be admirable .

SOGL.

I warrant you , I am resolute : come , good signior , there 's a poore french crowne , for your ordinarie .

SHIFT .

It comes well , for I had not so much as the least portcullice of come before .

GREX. MIT .

I trauell with another obiection , signior , which I feare will bee enforc'd against the author , ere I can be deliuer'd of it .

COR.

What 's that , sir ?

MIT .

That the argument of his Comoedie might haue beene of some other nature , as of a duke to be in loue with a countesse , and that countesse to bee in loue with the dukes sonne , and the sonne to loue the ladies waiting maid : some such crosse wooing , with a clowne to their seruingman , better then to be thus neere , and familiarly allied to the time .

COR.

You say well , but I would faine heare one of these autumne-judgements define once , Quid sit Comoedia ? if he cannot , let him content himselfe with CICEROS definition ( till hee haue strength to propose to himselfe a better ) who would haue a Comoedie to be Imitatio vitae , Speculum consuetudinis , Imago veritatis ; a thing throughout pleasant , and ridiculous , and accommodated to the correction of manners : if the maker haue fail'd in any particle of this , they may worthily taxe him , but if not , why — be you ( that are for them ) silent , as I will bee for him ; and giue way to the actors .

Act III. Scene VII . SORDIDO , HINE. with a halter about his necke.

NAy , gods precious , if the weather and season bee so respectlesse , that beggers shall liue as well as their betters ; and that my hunger , and thirst for riches , shall not make them hunger and thirst with pouertie ; that my sleepes shall be brokes , and their hearts not broken ; that my coffers shall bee full , and yet care ; theirs emptie , and yet merry ! T is time , that a crosse should beare flesh and bloud , since flesh and bloud cannot beare this crosse .

GREX. MIT .

What , will he hang himselfe ?

COR.

Faith I , it seemes his Prognostication has not kept touch with him , and that makes him despaire .

MIT .

Beshrow me , he will be out of his humour then , indeed .

SOR.

Tut , these star-monger knaues , who would trust 'hem ? one saies , darke and rainy , when 't is as cleere as christall ; another saies , tempestuous blasts , and stormes , and 't was as calme as a milke-bowle ; here bee sweet rascals for a man to credit his whole fortunes with : You skie-staring cocks-combs you , you fat braines , out vpon you ; you are good for nothing but to sweat night-caps , and make rug-gownes deare ! You learned men , and haue not a legion of deuils , a vostre seruice ! a vostre seruice ! by heauen , I thinke I shall die a better scholler then they ! but soft , how now , sirra .

HINE.

Here 's a letter come from your sonne , sir.

SORD.

From my sonne , sir ? what would my sonne , sir ? some good newes , no doubt .

Sweet and deare father ( desiring you first to send mee your blessing , which is more worth to me then gold or siluer ) I desire you likewise to be aduertised , that this Shrouetide ( contrary to custome ) we vse alwaies to haue reuels ; which is indeed dancing , and makes an excellent shew in truth ; especially if wee gentlemen bee well attir'd ; which our seniors note , and thinke the better of our fathers , the better we are maintain'd , and that they shall know if they come vp , and haue any thing to doe in the law : therefore , good father , these are ( for your owne sake as well as mine ) to re-desire you ; that you let me not want , that which is fit for the setting vp of our name , in the honorable volume of gentilitie , that I may say to our calumniators , with TVLLIE , Ego sum ortus domus meae , tu occasus tuae . And thus ( not doubting of your fatherly beneuolence ) I humbly aske you blessing , and pray god to blesse you .

Yours , if his owne .

How 's this ? Yours , if his owne ? is he not my sonne , except he be his owne sonne ? Belike this is some new kinde of subscription the gallants vse . Wel , wherefore doest thou stay , knaue ? Away : goe . Here 's a letter indeede ! reuels ? and beneuolence ? is this a weather to send beneuolence ? or is this a season to reuell in ? Slid the deuil and all takes part to vexe me , I thinke ! this letter would neuer haue come now else , now , now , when the sunne shines , and the aire thus cleere . Soule , if this hold , we shall shortly haue an excellent crop of corne spring out of the high waies : the streets , and houses of the towne will be hid with the ranknesse of the fruits , that grow therein spight of good husbandry . Goe to , I 'le preuent the sight of it , come as quickly as it can , I will preuent the sight of it . I haue this remedie , heauen . Stay ; I 'le trie the paine thus a little , Ô , nothing , nothing . Well now , shall my sonne gaine a beneuolence by my death ? or any body be the better for my gold , or so forth ? No , aliue , I kept it from 'hem , and ( dead ) my ghost shall walke about it , and preserue it , my son and daughter shall starue ere they touch it , I haue bid it as deep as hell from the sight of heauen , and to it I goe now . Falls off .

Act III. Scene VIII . RVSTICI . RVST. 1. To him .

AYe me , what pittifull sight is this ! help , help , help .

RVST. 2.

How now ? what 's the matter ?

RVST. 1.

O , here 's a man has hang'd himselfe , helpe to get him againe .

RVST. 2.

Hang'd himselfe ? Slid carry him afore a iustice , 't is chance medley , o' my word .

RVST. 3.

How now , what 's here to doe ?

RVST. 4.

How comes this ?

RVST. 2.

One has executed himselfe , contrary to order of law , and by my consent he shall answer 't .

RVST. 5.

Would he were in case , to answere it .

RVST. 1.

Stand by , he recouers , giue him breath .

SORD.

Oh.

RVST. 5.

Masse , 't was well you went the foot-way , neighbour .

RVST. 1.

I , and I had not cut the halter .

SORD.

How ! cut the halter ? Aye me , I am vndone , I am vndone .

RVST. 2.

Mary , if you had not beene vndone , you had beene hang'd , I can tell you .

SORD.

You thred-bare horse-bread-eating rascals , if you would needes haue beene meddling , could you not haue vntied it , but you must out it ? and in the midst too ! Aye me .

RVST. 1.

Out on me , 't is the catterpiller SORDIDO ! how cursed are the poore , that the viper was blest , with this good fortune ?

RVST. 2.

Nay , how accurst art thou , that art cause to the curse of the poore ?

RVST. 3.

I , and to saue so wretched a caytife ?

RVST. 4.

Curst be thy fingers that loos'd him .

RVST. 2.

Some desperate furie possesse thee , that thou maist hang thy selfe too .

RVST. 5.

Neuer maist thou be sau'd , that sau'd so damn'd a monster .

SORDID . What curses breathe these men ! how haue my deeds Made my lookes differ from another mans , That they should thus detest , and lothe my life ! Out on my wretched humour , it is that Makes me thus monstrous in true humane eyes . Pardon me ( gentle friends ) I 'le make faire mends For my foule errors past , and twenty-fold Restore to all men , what with wrong I rob'd them : My barnes , and garners shall stand open still To all the poore that come , and my best graine Be made almes-bread , to feed halfe-famisht mouthes . Though hither to amongst you I haue liu'd , Like an unsauourie muck-hill to my selfe , Yet now , my gather'd heapes being spread abroad , Shall turne to better , and more fruitfull vses . Blesse then this man , curse him no more for sauing My life , and soule together . O , how deeply The bitter curses of the poore doe pierce ! I am by wonder chang'd ; come in with me And witnesse my repentance : now I proue , " No life is blest , that is not grac't with loue . RVST. 2.

O miracle ! see when a man ha's grace !

RVST. 3.

Had 't not beene pitty , so good a man should haue beene cast away ?

RVST. 2.

Well , I 'le get our clarke put his conuersion in the Acts , and Monuments .

RVST. 4.

Doe , for I warrant him hee 's a Martyr .

RVST.

O god , how he wept , if you mark't it ! did you see how the teares trill'd ?

RVST. 5.

Yes , beleeue me , like master vicars bowles vpon the greene , for all the world .

3. or 4.

O neighbour , god's blessing o' your heart , neighbour , 't was a good gratefull deed .

GREX. COR.

How now , MITIS ? what 's that you consider so seriously ?

MIT .

Troth , that which doth essentially please me , the warping condition of this greene , and soggy multitude : but in good saith , signior , your author hath largely out-stript my expectation in this Scene , I will liberally confesse it . For , when I saw SORDIDO so desperately intended , I thought I had had a hand of him , then .

COR.

What ? you suppos'd he should haue hung himselfe , indeed ?

MIT .

I did , and had fram'd my obiection to it ready , which may yet be very fitly vrg'd , and with some necessity : for though his purpos'd violence lost th' effect , and extended not to death , yet the intent and horror of the obiect , was more then the nature of a Comoedie will in any sort admit .

COR.

I ? what thinke you of PLAVTVS , in his Comoedie , called Cistellaria , there ? where he brings in ALCESIMARCHVS with a drawne sword ready to kill himselfe , and as hee is e'ne fixing his brest vpon it , to bee restrain'd from his resolu'd outrage , by SILENIVM , and the bawd : is not his authoritie of power to giue our Scene approbation ?

MIT .

Sir , I haue this only euasion left me , to say , I thinke it bee so indeed , your memorie is happier then mine : but I wonder , what engine hee will vse to bring the rest out of their humours !

COR.

That will appeare anon , neuer preoccupie your imagination withall . Let your mind keepe companie with the Scene still , which now remoues it selfe from the countrey , to the court . Here comes MACILENTE , and signior BRISKE , freshly suted , lose not your selfe , for now the Epitasis , or busie part of our subiect , is in act .

Act III. Scene IX . MACILENTE , BRISKE , CINEDO , SAVIOLINA . FAST .

WEll , now , signior MACILENTE , you are not onely welcome to the court but also to my mistris withdrawing chamber : Boy , get me some tabacco , I 'le but goe in , and shew I am here , and come to you presently , sir.

MACI. What 's that he said ? by heauen , I markt him not : My thoughts , and I , were of another world . I was admiring mine owne out-side here , To thinke what priuiledge , and palme it beares Here , in the court ! Be a man ne're so vile In wit , in judgement , manners , or what else ; If he can purchase but a silken couer , He shall not only passe , but passe regarded : Whereas , let him be poore , and meanely clad , Though ne're so richly parted ; you shall haue A fellow ( that knowes nothing but his beefe , Or how to rince his clammy guts in beere ) Will take him by the shoulders , or the throat , And kicke him downe the staires . Such is the state Of vertue , in bad clothes ! ha , ha , ha , ha , That raiment should be in such high request ! How long should I be , ere I should put off To the lord Chancelors tombe , or the Shriues posts ? By heauen ( I thinke ) a thousand , thousand yeere . His grauitie , his wisedome , and his faith , To my dread Soueraigne ( graces that suruiue him ) These I could well endure to reuerence , But not his tombe : no more then I 'ld commend The chappell organ , for the guilt without , Or this base violl , for the varnisht face . FAST .

I feare I haue made you stay somewhat long , sir , but is my tabacco readie , boy ?

CINE .

I , sir.

FAST .

Giue me , my mistris is vpon comming , you shall see her presently , sir , ( Tab. ) you 'le say you neuer accosted a more piercing wit . This tabacco is not dryed , boy , or else the pipe 's defectiue . Oh , your wits of Italie are nothing comparable to her ! her braine 's a verie quiuer of iests ! and she do's dart them abroad with that sweete loose , and iudiciall aime , that you would — here she comes sir.

MACI. She is seene and goes in againe .

'T was time , his inuention had beene bogd else .

SAVI .

Giue me my fanne there .

MACI.

How now , Monsieur BRISKE ?

FAST .

A kind of affectionate reuerence strikes mee with a cold shiuering ( me thinkes . )

MACI.

I like such tempers well , as stand before their mistresses with feare and trembling , and before their maker , like impudent mountaines .

FAST .

By this hand , I 'ld spend twentie pound my vauting-horse stood here now , she might see me doe but one tricke ?

MACI.

Why , do's she loue actiuitie ?

CINE .

Or if you had but your long stockings on , to be dancing a galliard , as she comes by .

FAST .

I eyther . O , these stirring humours make ladies mad with desire : shee comes . My good GENIVS embolden me , boy , the pipe quickly .

MACI.

What ? will he giue her musicke ?

FAST .

A second good morrow to my faire mistresse .

SAVI .

Faire seruant , I 'le thanke you a day hence , when the date of your salutation comes forth .

FAST .

How , like you that answere ? is 't not admirable ?

MACI.

I were a simple courtier , if I could not admire trifles , sir.

FAST . He talkes , and takes tabacco betweene .

Troth , sweet ladie , I shall ( Tab. ) be prepar'd to giue you thanks for those thankes , and ( Tab. ) studie more officious , and obsequious regards ( Tab. ) to your faire beauties . ( Tab. ) mend the pipe , boy .

MACI.

I ne're knew tabacco taken as a parenthesis , before .

FAST .

Fore god ( sweete ladie ) beleeue it , I doe honour the meanest rush in this chamber , for your loue .

SAVI .

I , you need not tell mee that , sir , I doe thinke , you doe prize a rush , before my loue .

MACI.

Is this the wonder of nations ?

FAST .

O , by this ayre , pardon me , I said , for your loue , by this light : but it is the accustomed sharpnesse of your ingenuitie , sweete mistresse , to — Masse your violl 's new strung , methinkes .

MACI. He takes downe the violl , and playes betweene .

Ingenuitie . I see his ignorance will not suffer him to slander her , which he had done most notably , if he had said wit , for ingenuitie , as he meant it .

FAST .

By the soule of musicke , ladie ( hum , hum . )

SAVI .

Would we might heare it once .

FAST .

I doe more adore , and admire your ( hum , hum ) predominant perfections , then ( hum , hum ) euer I shall haue power , and facultie to expresse ( hum . )

SAVI .

Vpon the violl de Gambo , you meane ?

FAST .

It 's miserably out of tune , by this hand .

SAVI .

Nay , rather by the fingers .

MACI.

It makes good harmonie with her wit .

FAST .

Sweet ladie , tune it . Boy , some tabacco .

MACI.

Tabacco againe ? he do's court his mistresse with verie exceeding good changes .

FAST .

Signior MACILENTE , you take none , sir ? ( Tab. )

MACI.

No , vnlesse I had a Mistresse , signior , it were a great indecorum for me to take tabacco .

FAST .

How like you her wit ? ( Tab. )

MACI.

Her ingenuitie is excellent , sir.

FAST .

You see the subiect of her sweet fingers , there ? ( Tab. ) Oh , shee tickles it so , that ( Tab. ) shee makes it laugh most diuinely ; ( Tab. ) I 'le tell you a good iest now , and yourselfe shall say it 's a good one : I haue wisht my selfe to be that instrument ( I thinke ) a thousand times , and not so few , by heauen ( Tab. )

MACI.

Not vnlike , sir : but how ? to be cas'd vp , and hung by on the wall ?

FAST .

O , no , sir , to be in vse I assure you ; as your iudicious eyes may testifie . ( Tab. )

SAVI .

Here , seruant , if you will play , come .

FAST .

Instantly , sweet ladie . ( Tab. ) In good faith , here 's most diuine tabacco !

SAVI .

Nay , I cannot stay to dance after your pipe .

FAST .

Good ! nay , deare ladie , stay : by this sweete smoake , I thinke your wit be all fire . ( Tab. )

MACI.

And , hee 's the Salamander belongs to it .

SAVI .

Is your tabacco perfum'd , seruant ? that you sweare by the sweet smoke ?

FAST .

Still more excellent ! ( before heauen , and these bright lights ) I thinke ( Tab. ) you are made of ingenuitie , I. ( Tab. )

MACI.

True , as your discourse is : Ô abominable !

FAST .

Will your ladiship take any ?

SAVI .

O , peace I pray you ; I loue not the breath of a woodcockes head .

FAST .

Meaning my head , ladie ?

SAVI .

Not altogether so , sir ; but ( as it were fatall to their follies that thinke to grace themselues with taking tabacco , when they want better entertainment ) you see your pipe beares the true forme of a woodcockes head .

FAST .

O admirable simile !

SAVI .

'T is best leauing of you in admiration , sir.

MACI.

Are these the admired lady-wits , that hauing so good a plaine-song , can runne no better diuision vpon it ? S'heart , all her iests are of the stampe , ( March was fifteene yeres ago . ) Is this the Comet , Monsieur FASTADIVS , that your gallants wonder at so ?

FAST .

Hart of a gentleman , to neglect mee afore presence thus ! Sweet sir , I beseech you be silent in my disgrace . By the Muses , I was neuer in so vile a humour in my life , and her wit was at the cloud too . Report it not for a million , good sir ; let me be so farre endear'd to your loue .

GREX. MIT .

What followes next , signior CORDATVS ? this gallants humour is almost spent , me thinkes , it ebbes apace , with this contrarie breath of his mistresse .

COR.

O , but it will blow againe for all this , till there come a generall drought of humour among all our actors , and then , I feare not but his wil fall as low as any . See , who presents himselfe here !

MIT .

What , i' the old case ?

COR.

Yfaith , which makes it , the more pittifull , you vnderstand where the Scene is ?

Act IIII.

Scene I. FALLACE . FVNGOSO .

WHy , are you so melancholy , brother ?

FVNG.

I am not melancholy , I thanke you , sister .

FALL .

Why are you not merrie then ? there are but two of vs in all the world , and if wee should not bee comforts one to another , god helpe vs.

FVNG.

Faith , I cannot tell , sister , but if a man had any true melancholy in him , it would make him melancholy , to see his yeomanly father cut his neighbours throats , to make his sonne a gentleman : and yet when he has cut 'hem , he will see his sonnes throat cut too , ere he make him a true gentleman indeed , before death cut his owne throat . I must bee the first head of our house , and yet he will not giue me the head till I bee made so . Is any man term'd a gentleman that is not alwayes i' the fashion ? I would know but that .

FALL .

If you bee melancholy for that , brother , I thinke I haue as much cause to bee melancholy , as one : for I 'le be sworne , I liue as little in the fashion , as any woman in London . By the faith of a Gentlewoman , ( beast that I am to say it ) I ha' not one friend i' the world besides my husband . When saw you master FASTIDIVS BRISKE , brother ?

FVNG.

But a while since , sister , I thinke : I know not well in truth . By this hand , I could fight with all my heart , me thinkes .

FALL .

Nay , good brother , be not resolute .

FVNG.

I sent him a letter , and he writes me no answere neyther .

FALL .

Oh , sweete FASTIDIVS BRISKE ! Ô fine courtier ! thou art hee mak'st me sigh , and say , how blessed is that woman that hath a courtier to her husband ! and how miserable a dame shee is , that hath neyther husband , nor friend i' the court ! O , sweet FASTIDIVS ! Ô , fine courtier ! How comely he bowes him in his court'sie ! how full hee hits a woman betweene the lips when hee kisses ! how vpright hee sits at the table ! how daintily he carues ! how sweetly he talkes , and tels newes of this lord , and of that lady ! how cleanely he wipes his spoone , at euery spoonfull of any whit-meat he eates , and what a neat case of pick-tooths he carries about him , still ! O , sweet FASTIDIVS ! Ô , fine courtier !

Act IIII. Scene II. DELIRO , MVSICIANS , MACILENTE , FVNGOSO .

SEe , yonder shee is , gentlemen . Now ( as euer you 'll beare the name of musicians ) touch your instruments sweetly , shee has a delicate eare , I tell you : play not a false note , I beseech you .

MVSI .

Feare not , siguior DELIRO .

DELI .

O , begin , begin , some sprightly thing : Lord , how my imagination labours with the successe of it . Well said , good yfaith ! heauen grant it please her . I 'le not be seene , for then shee 'le be sure to dislike it .

FALL .

Hey — da ! this is excellent ! I 'le lay my life , this is my husbands dotage . I thought so ; nay , neuer play peeke-boe with me , I know , you doe nothing but studie how to anger me , sir.

DELI .

Anger thee , sweet wife ? why didst thou not send for musicians to supper last night , thy selfe ?

FALL .

To supper , sir ? now , come vp to supper , I beseech you : as though there were no difference between supper time , when folkes should be merry , and this time when they would be melancholy ? I would neuer take vpon me to take a wife , if I had no more iudgement to please her .

DELI .

Be pleas'd , sweet wife , and they shall ha' done : and would to fate , my life were done , if I can neuer please thee .

MACI.

Saue you , lady , where is master DELIRO ?

DELI .

Here , master MACILENTE : you are welcome from court , sir ; no doubt you haue beene grac't exceedingly of master BRISKES Mistris , and the rest of the ladies , for his sake ?

MACI. Alas , the poore phantasticke ! hee 's scarce knowne To any lady there ; and those that know him , Know him the simplest man of all they know : Deride , and play vpon his amorous humours , Though he but apishly doth imitate The gallant'st courtiers , kissing ladies pumps . Holding the cloth for them , praising their wits , And seruilely obseruing euery one , May doe them pleasure : fearefull to be seene With any man ( though he be ne're so worthy ) That 's not in grace with some , that are the greatest . Thus courtiers doe , and these he counterfeits . But sets not such a sightly carriage Vpon their vanities , as they themselues ; And therefore they despise him : for indeed Hee 's like the Zani , to a tumbler , That tries tricks after him , to make men laugh . FALL .

Here 's an vnthankfull spitefull wretch ! the good gentleman vouchsaft to make him his companion ( because my husband put him into a few rags ) and now see , how the vnrude rascall back-bites him !

DELI .

Is he no more grac't amongst 'hem , then ? say you ?

MACI.

Faith , like a pawne , at Chesse : fills vp a roome , that 's all .

FALL .

O monster of men ! can the earth beare such an enuious caytiffe ?

DELI .

Well , I repent me , I e're credited him so much : but ( now I see what he is , and that his masking vizor is off ) I 'le forbeare him no longer . All his lands are morgag'd to me , and forfeited : besides , I haue bonds of his in my hand , for the receit of now fifty pound , now a hundred , now two hundred : still , as he has had a fan but wagg'd at him , he would be in a new sute . Well , I 'le salute him by a Sergeant , the next time I see him , yfaith , I 'le sute him .

MACI.

Why , you may soone see him , sir , for hee is to meet signior PVNTARVOLO at a Notaries , by the Exchange , presently : where he meanes to take vp , vpon returne —

FALL .

Now , out vpon thee , IVDAS ; canst thou not be content to back-bite thy friend , but thou must betray him ? wilt thou seeke the vndoing of any man ? and of such a man too ? and will you , sir , get your liuing by the counsell of traytors ?

DELI .

Deare wife , haue patience .

FALL .

The house will fall , the ground will open , and swallow vs : I 'le not binde here , for all the gold , and siluer in heauen .

DELI .

O , good MACILENTE , let 's follow and appease her , or the peace of my life is at an end .

MACI.

Now pease , and not peace , feed that life , whose head bangs so heauily ouer a womans manger .

FALL . Deliro follow 's his wife .

Helpe me , brother : 'ods body , and you come here , I 'le doe my selfe a mischiefe .

DELI .

Nay , heare me , sweet wife , vnlesse thou wilt haue mee goe , I will not goe .

FALL .

Tut , you shall ne're ha' that vantage of me , to say , you are vndone by me : I 'le not bid you stay , I. Brother , sweet brother , here 's foure angels , I 'le giue you toward your sute : for the loue of gentry , and as euer you came of christen creature , make haste to the water fide ( you know where Master FASTIDIVS vses to land ) and giue him warning of my husbands malitious intent ; & tel him of that leane rascals trechery : O heuens ! how my flesh rises at him ! nay , sweet brother , make haste : you may say , I would haue writ to him , but that necessitie of the time would not permit . He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me : and commend me , to him , good brother , say , I sent you .

FVNG.

Let me see , these foure angels , and then , fortie shillings more I can borrow on my gowne in Fetter-lane . Well , I will goe presently , say on my sute , pay as much money as I haue , and sweare my selfe into credit with my taylor , for the rest .

DELI . Deliro , and Macilente , passe ouer the stage . O , on my soule you wrong her , MACILENTE , Though shee be froward , yet I know shee is honest . MACI.

Well , then haue I no iudgement : would any woman ( but one that were wild in her affections ) haue broke out into that immodest and violent passion against her husband ? or is 't possible —

DELI .

If you loue me , forbeare ; all the arguments i' the world shall neuer wrest my heart to beleeue it .

GREX. COR.

How like you the decyphering of his dotage ?

MIT .

O , strangely ! and of the others enuie too , that labours so seriously to set debate betwixt a man , and his wife . Stay , here comes the knight aduenturer .

COR.

I , and his scriuener with him .

Act IIII. Scene III. PVNTARVOLO , NOTARIE , CARLO , SERVANTS .

I Wonder , Monsieur FASTIDIVS comes not ! but , NOTARIE , if thou please to draw the indentures the while , I will giue thee thy instructions .

NOTA.

With all my heart , sir ; and I 'le fall in hand with 'hem presently .

PVNT.

Well then , first , the summe is to be vnderstood .

NOTA.

Good , sir.

PVNT.

Next , our seuerall appellations , and character of my dog , and cat , must be knowne : shew him the cat , sirrah .

NOTA.

So , sir.

PVNT.

Then , that the intended bound , is the Turkes court in Constantinople : the time limited for our returne , a yeere : and that if either of vs miscarry , the whole venter is lost . These are generall , conceiu'st thou ? or if either of vs turne Turke .

NOTA.

I , sir.

PVNT.

Now for particulars : That I may make my trauails by sea or land , to my best liking : and that ( hyring a coach for my selfe ) it shall bee lawfull for my dog , or cat , or both , to ride with me in the said coach .

NOT.

Very good , sir.

PVN .

That I may choose to giue my dogge , or cat fish , for feare of bones : or any other nutriment , that ( by the iudgement of the most autenticall physicians , where I trauaile ) shall be thought dangerous .

NOT.

Well , sir.

PVN .

That ( after the receit of his monie ) he shall neyther in his own person , nor any other , eyther by direct or indirect meanes , as magicke , witchcraft , or other such exoticke artes , attempt , practise , or complot aniething , to the preiudice of mee , my dogge , or my cat : Neyther shall I vse the helpe of any such forceries , or enchantments , as vnctious , to make our skinnes impenetrable , or to trauaile inuisible by vertue of a powder , or a ring , or to hang any three-forked charme about my dogges necke , secretly conuey'd into his collar : ( vnderstand you ? ) but that all be performed , sincerely , without fraud , or imposture .

NOT.

So , sir.

PVN .

That ( for testimonie of the performance ) my selfe am to bring thence a Turkes mustachio , my dogge a Gracian hares lip , and my cat the traine , or taile of a Thracian rat .

NOT.

'T is done , sir.

PVN .

'T is said , sir , not done , sir : but forward . That vpon my returne , and landing on the Tower-wharfe , with the aforesaid testimonie , I am to receiue fiue for one , according to the proportion of the summes put forth .

NOT.

Well , sir.

PVN .

Prouided , that if before our departure , or setting forth , either my selfe , or these be visited with sicknesse , or any other casuall euent , so that the whole course of the aduenture bee hindered , thereby ; that then , he is to returne , and I am to receiue the prenominated proportion , vpon faire and equall termes .

NOT.

Verie good , sir , is this all ?

PVN .

It is all , sir : and dispatch them , good NOT ARIE .

NOT.

As fast as is possible , sir.

PVN .

O , CARLO ! welcome : saw you Monsieur BRISKE ?

CAR.

Not I : did he appoint you , to meet here ?

PVN .

I , and I muse he should be so tardie : hee is to take an hundred pounds of mee in venter , if he maintaine his promise .

CAR.

Is his houre past ?

PVN .

Not yet , but it comes on apace .

CAR.

Tut , be not iealous of him : he will sooner breake all the commandements , then his houre , vpon my life , in such a case trust him .

PVN .

Me thinkes , CARLO , you looke verie smooth ! ha ?

CAR.

Why , I come but now from a hot-house , I must needes looke smooth .

PVN .

From a hot-house !

CAR.

I , doo you make a wonder on 't ? why it 's your only physicke . Let a man sweate once a weeke in a hothouse , and be well rub'd , froted , with a good plumpe juicie wench , and sweet linnen : hee shall ne're ha' the poxe .

PVNT.

What , the French poxe ?

CARL.

The French poxe ! our poxe . S'bloud we haue 'hem in as good forme as they , man : what ?

PVNT.

Let mee perish , but thou art a salt one ! was your new-created gallant there with you ? SOGLIARDO ?

CARL.

O , porpuse ! hang him , no : hee 's a lieger at Hornes ordinarie yonder : his villanous GANIMEDE , and he ha' beene droning a tabacco pipe there , euer sin' yesterday no one .

PVNT.

Who ? signior TRIPARTITE , that would giue my dogge the Whiffe ?

CARL.

I , hee . They haue hir'd a chamber , and all priuate to practise in , for the making of the Patoun , the Receit reciprocall , and a number of other mysteries , not yet extant . I brought some dozen , or twentie gallants this morning to view 'hem ( as you 'ld doe a piece of Perspectiue ) in at a key-hole : and there wee might see SOGLIARDO sit in a chaire , holding his snowt vp like a sow vnder an apple-tree , while th' other open'd his nostrils with a poking-sticke , to giue the smoke a more free deliuerie . They had spit some three , or fourescore ounces betweene 'hem , afore we came away .

PVNT.

How ! spit three , or fourescore ounces ?

CARL.

I , and preseru'd it in porrengers ; as a barber does his bloud ▪ when he opens a veine .

PVNT.

Out , Pagan : how dost thou open the veine of thy friend ?

CARL.

Friend ? Is there any such foolish thing i' the world ? ha ? S'lid I ne're rellisht it yet .

PVNT.

Thy humour is the more dangerous .

CARL.

No , not a whit , Signior : Tut , a man must keepe time in all . I can oyle my tongue when I meet him next , and looke with a good slicke fore-head ; 't will take away all soyle of suspicion , and that 's ynough : what LYNCEVS can see my heart ? Pish , the title of a friend , it 's a vaine idle thing , only venerable among fooles : you shall not haue one that has any opinion of wit affect it .

Act IIII. Scene IIII. DELIRO , MACILENTE . To them .

SAue you , good sir PVNTARVOLO .

PVNT.

Signior DELIRO ! welcome .

DELI .

Pray you , sir , did you see Master FASTIDIVS BRISKE ? I heard he was to meet your worship here .

PVNT.

Your heard no sigment , sir , I doe expect him at euery pulse of my watch .

DELI .

In good time , sir.

CARL.

There 's a fellow now , lookes like one of the Patricians of Sparta , mary his wit 's after tenne i' the hundred . A good bloud-hound , a close-mouth'd dogge , he followes the sent well , mary he 's at a fault now , me thinkes .

PVNT.

I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue .

CARL.

O , I cannot abide these limmes of sattin , or rather Sathan indeed , that 'll walke ( like the children of darknesse ) all day in a melancholy shop , with their pockets full of blankes , readie to swallow vp as manie poore vnthrifts , as come within the verge .

PVNT.

So ! and what hast thou for him that is with him , now ?

CARL.

O , ( dam' mee ) Immortalitie ! I 'le not meddle with him , the pure element of fire , all spirit , extraction .

PVNT.

HOW , CARLO ? ha , what is he , man ?

CARL.

A scholler , MACILENTE , doe you not know him ? a lanke raw-bon'd anatomie , he walkes vp and downe like a charg'd musket , no man dares encounter him : that 's his rest there .

PVNT.

His rest ? why has he a forked head ?

CARL.

Pardon me , that 's to be suspended , you are too quicke , too apprehensiue .

DELI .

Troth ( now I thinke on 't ) I 'le deferre it till some other time .

MACI.

Not , by any meanes , signior , you shall not lose this opportunitie , he will be here presently now .

DELI .

Yes saith , MACILENTE , 't is best . For looke you , sir , I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in 't , that —

MACI.

Your wife ? now for shame lose these thoughts , and become the master of your owne spirits . Should I ( if I had a wife ) suffer my selfe to be thus passionately carried ( to and fro ) with the streame of her humour ? and neglect my deepest affaires , to serue her affections ? S'light I would geld my selfe first .

DELI .

O but , signior , had you such a wife as mine is , you would —

MACI.

Such a wife ? Now hate mee , sir , if euer I discern'd any wonder in your wife , yet , with all the speculation I haue : I haue seene some that ha' beene thought fairer then she , in my time ; and I haue seene those , ha' not been altogether so tall , esteem'd properer women ; and I haue seen lesse noses grow vpon sweeter faces , that haue done verie well too , in my iudgement : but in good faith , signior , for all this , the gentlewoman is a good pretie proud hard-fauour'd thing , mary not so peerelessely to bee doted vpon , I must confesse : nay , be not angrie .

DELI .

Well , sir , ( how euer you please to forget your selfe ) I haue not deseru'd to bee thus plai'd vpon , but henceforth , pray you forbeare my house , for I can but faintly endure the fauour of his breath at my table , that shall thus iade me for my courtesies .

MACI.

Nay , then , signior , let me tell you , your wife is no proper woman , and , by my life , I suspect her honestie , that 's more , which you may likewise suspect ( if you please : ) doe you see ? I le vrge you to nothing , against your appetite , but if you please , you may suspect it .

DELI .

Good , sir.

MACI.

Good sir ? Now horne vpon horne pursue thee , thou blinde egregious dotard .

CARL.

O , you shall heare him speake like ennie . Signior MACILENTE , you saw monsieur BRISKE lately ? I heard you were with him at court .

MACI.

I , BVFFONE , I was with him .

CARL.

And how is he respected there ? ( I know you le deale ingenuously with vs ) is he made of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants ?

MACI. Faith I , his ciuet and his casting-glasse , Haue helpt him to a place amongst the rest : And there , his Seniors giue him good sleight lookes , After their garbe , smile , and salute in French With some new complement . CARL. What , is this all ? MACI. Why say , that they should shew the frothie foole , Such grace , as they pretend comes from the heart , He had a mightie wind-fall out of doubt . Why , all their Graces are not to doe grace To vertue , or desert : but to ride both With their guilt sputres quite breathlesse , from themselues . 'T is now esteem'd Precisianisme in wit ; And a disease in nature , to be kind Toward desert , to loue , or seeke good names : Who feeds with a good name ? who thriues with louing ? Who can prouide feast for his owne desires , With seruing others ? ha , ha , ha : 'T is folly , by our wisest worldlings prou'd , ( If not to gaine by loue ) to be belou'd . CARL. How like you him ? is 't not a good spitefull slaue ? ha ? PVNT. Shrewd , shrewd . CARL. Dam'me , I could eat his flesh now : diuine sweet villaine ! MACI. Nay , pr'y thee leaue : what 's he there ? CARL.

Who ? this i' the starcht beard ? it 's the dull stiffe knight PVNTARVOLO , man ; hee 's to trauaile now presently : hee has a good knottie wit , marry he carries little o' t out of the land , with him .

MACI.

How then ?

CARL.

He puts it forth in venter , as hee does his monie ; vpon the returne of a dogge , and cat .

MACI.

Is this he ?

CARL.

I , this is hee ; a good tough gentleman : hee lookes like a shield of brawne , at Shrouetide , out of date , and readie to take his leaue : or a drie poule of ling vpon Easter-eue , that has furnisht the table all Lent , as he has done the citie this last vacation .

MACI.

Come , you 'le neuer leaue your stabbing smile 's : I shall ha' you ayming at me with 'hem by and by , but —

CARL.

O , renounce me then : pure , honest , good deuill , I loue thee aboue the loue of women : I could e'en melt in admiration of thee , now ! gods so , looke here , man ; Sir DAGONET , and his squire !

Act IIII. Scene V. SOGLIARDO , SHIFT . To them .

SAue you , my deare GALLANTO'S : nay , come approch , good CAVALIER : pr'y thee ( sweet knight ) know this gentleman , hee 's one that it pleases mee to vse as my good friend , and companion ; and therefore doe him good offices : I beseech you , gentles , know him , know him all ouer .

PVNT.

Sir ( for signior SOGLIARDO'S sake ) let it suffice , I know you .

SOGL.

Why ( as I am true gentleman ) I thanke you , knight , and it shall suffice . Harke you , sir PVNTARVOLO , you 'ld little thinke it ; he 's as resolute a peece of flesh , as any 's i' the world .

PVNT.

Indeed , sir ?

SOGL.

Vpon my gentilitie , sir : CARLO , a word with you ; Doe you see that same fellow , there ?

CARL.

What ? CAVALIER SHIFT ?

SOGL.

O , you know him ; crie you mercy : before me , I thinke him the tallest man , liuing within the walls of Europe .

CARL.

The walls of Europe ! take heed what you say , signior , Europe's a huge thing within the walls .

SOGL.

Tut , ( and 't were as huge againe ) I 'ld iustifie what I speake . Slid , he swagger'd e'en now in a place where we were : I neuer saw a man doe it more resolute .

CARL.

Nay , indeede swaggering is a good argument of resolution . Doe you heare this , signior ?

MACI. I , to my griefe . O , that such muddy flags , For euery drunken flourish , should atchieue The name of manhood ; whil'st true perfect valour ( Hating to shew it selfe ) goes by despis'd ! Heart , I doe know now ( in a faire iust cause ) I dare doe more then he , a thousand times : Why should not they take knowledge of this ? ha ? And giue my worth allowance before his ? Because I cannot swagger ! Now the poxe Light on your Pickt-hatch prowesse . SOGL.

Why , I tell you , sir , he has beene the only Bid-stand that euer kept New-market , Salisbury-plaine , Hockley i' the hole , Gads-Hill ; all the high places of any request : he has had his mares and his geldings , he , ha' been worth fortie , threescore , a hundred pound a horse , would ha' sprung you ouer hedge , and ditch , like your grey-hound , he has done fiue hundred robberies in his time , more or lesse , I assure you .

PVNT.

What ? and scapt ?

SOGL.

Scapt ! yfaith I : he has broken the jayle when he has beene in yrons , and yrons ; and beene out , and in againe ; and out , and in ; fortie times , and not so few , he .

MACI.

A fit trumpet , to proclaime such a person .

CARL.

But can this be possible ?

SHIFT .

Why , 't is nothing , sir , when a man giues his affections to it .

SOGL.

Good PYLADES , discourse a robberie , or two , to satisfie these gentlemen of thy worth .

SHIFT .

Pardon me , my deare ORESTES : Causes haue their quiddits , and 't is ill iesting with bell-ropes .

CARL.

How ? PYLADES , and ORESTES ?

SOGL.

I , he is my PYLADES , and I am his ORESTES : how like you the conceit ?

CARL.

O , it 's an old stale enterlude deuice : No , I 'le giue you names my selfe , looke you , he shall be your IVDAS , and you shall bee his Elder tree , to hang on .

MACI.

Nay , rather , let him be captaine POD , and this his Motion ; for he does nothing but shew him .

CARL.

Excellent : or thus , you shall bee HOLDEN , and hee your Camel .

SHIFT .

You doe not meane to ride , gentlemen ?

PVNT.

Faith , let me end it for you , gallants : you shall be his Countenance , and he your Resolution .

SOGL.

Troth , that 's pretty : how say you , Caualier , shalt be so ?

CARL.

I , I , most voices .

SHIFT .

Faith , I am easily yeelding to any good impressions .

SOGL.

Then giue hands , good Resolution .

CARL.

Masse , he cannot say , good Countenance , now ( properly ) to him againe .

PVNT.

Yes , by an irony .

MACI.

O , sir , the countenance of Resolution should , as he is , be altogether grim , and vnpleasant .

Act IIII. Scene VI. FASTIDIVS BRISKE .

GOod houres make musicke with your mirth , gentlemen , and keepe time to your humours : how now , CARLO ?

PVNT.

Monsieur BRISKE ! many a long looke haue I extended for you , sir.

FAST .

Good faith , I must craue pardon ; I was inuited this morning ere I was out of my bed , by a beuie of ladies , to a banquet : whence it was almost one of HERCVLES labours for me , to come away , but that the respect of my promise did so preuaile with me : I know they 'le take it very ill , especially one that gaue me this bracelet of her haire but ouer-night , and this pearle another gaue me from her fore-head , mary , shee — what ? are the writings ready ?

PVNT.

I will send my man to know . Sirrah , goe you to the Notaries , and learne if he be readie : leaue the dog , sir.

FAST .

And how does my rare qualified friend , SOGLIARDO ? oh , signior MACILENTE ! by these eyes , I saw you not , I had saluted you sooner else , o' my troth : I hope , sir , I may presume vpon you , that you will not diuulge my late checke , or disgrace , indeed , sir.

MACI.

You may , sir.

CARL.

S'heart , he knowes some notorious iest by this gull , that hee hath him so obsequious .

SOGL.

Monsieur FASTIDIVS , doe you see this fellow there ? does he not looke like a clowne ? would you thinke there 's any thing in him ?

FAST .

Anything in him ? beshrow me , I ; the fellow hath a good ingenious face .

SOGL.

By this element , he is an ingenious tall man , as euer swagger'd about London : he , and I , call Countenance , and Resolution , but his name is CAVALIER SHIFT .

PVNT.

CAVALIER , you knew signior CLOG , that was hang'd for the robbery at Harrow o' the hill ?

SOGL.

Knew him , sir ! why , 't was hee gaue all the directions for the action .

PVNT.

How ? was 't your proiect , sir ?

SHIFT .

Pardon me , Countenance , you doe me some wrong to make that publike , which I imparted to you in priuate .

SOGL.

Gods will ! here are none but friends , Resolution .

SHIFT .

That 's all one ; things of consequence must haue their respects , where , how , and to whom . Yes , sir , hee shewed himselfe a true CLOG in the coherence of that affaire , sir ; for if he had manag'd matters as they were corroborated to him , it had beene better for him by a fortie , or fiftie score of pounds , sir , and he himselfe might ha' liu'd ( in despight of fates ) to haue fed on wood-cocks , with the rest : but it was his heauie fortune to sinke , poore CLOG , and therefore talke no more of him .

PVNT.

Why , had he more aiders , then ?

SOGL.

O god , sir ! I , there were some present there , that were the nine Worthies to him , yfaith .

SHIFT .

I , sir , I can satisfie you at more conuenient conference : but ( for mine owne part ) I haue now reconcil'd my selfe to other courses , and professe a liuing out of my other qualities .

SOGL.

Nay , he has left all now ( I assure you ) and is able to liue like a gentleman , by his quality . By this dogge , hee has the most rare gift in tabacco , that euer you knew .

CARL.

S'heart , hee keepes more adoe with this monster , then euer BANKES did with his horse , or the fellow with the elephant .

MACI.

He will hang out his picture shortly , in a cloth , you shall see .

SOGL.

O , hee do's manage a quarrell , the best that euer you saw , for termes , and circumstances .

FAST .

Good faith , signior , ( now you speake of a quarrell ) I 'le acquaint you with a difference , that happened betweene a gallant , and my selfe sir PVNTARVOLO , you know him if I should name him , signior LVCVLENTO .

PVNT.

LVCVLENTO ! what in-auspicious chance interpos'd it selfe to your two loues ?

FAST .

Faith , sir , the same that sundred AGAMEMNON , and great THETIS sonne ; but let the cause escape , sir : Hee sent mee a challenge ( mict with some few braues ) which I restor'd , and in fine we met . Now indeed , sir , ( I must tell you ) he did offer at first very desperately , but without iudgement : for looke you , sir. I cast my selfe into this figure : now he , comes violently on , and withall aduancing his rapier to strike , I thought to haue tooke his arme ( for he had left his whole body to my election , and I was sure he could not recouer his guard ) Sir , I mist my purpose in his arme , rasht his doublet sleeue , ran him close by the left cheek , and through his haire . He againe , lights me here ( I had on , a gold cable hatband , then new come vp , which I wore about a murrey French hat I had ) cuts my hatband ( and yet it was massie , gold-smithes worke ) cuts my brimmes , which by good fortune ( being thicke embrodered with gold-twist , and spangles ) disappointed the force of the blow : Neuerthelesse , it graz'd on my shoulder , takes me away sixe purles of an Italian cut-worke band I wore ( cost me three pound in the exchange , but three daies before . )

PVNT.

This was a strange encounter !

FAST .

Nay , you shall heare , sir : with this wee both fell out , and breath'd . Now ( vpon the second signe of his assault ) I betooke me to the former manner of my defence ; he ( on the other side ) abandon'd his body to the same danger , as before , and followes me still with blowes : But I ( being loth to take the deadly aduantage that lay before mee of his left side ) made a kind of stramazoun , ranne him vp to the hilts , through the doublet , through the shirt , and yet mist the skin . Hee ( making a reuerse blow ) falls vpon my emboss'd girdle ( I had throwne off the hangers a little before ) strikes off a skirt of a thick — lac't sattin doublet I had ( lin'd with some foure taffataes ) cuts off two panes , embrodered with pearle , rends through the drawings out of tissew , enters the linings , and skips the flesh .

CARL.

I wonder he speakes not of his wrought shirt !

FAST .

Here ( in the opinion of mutuall dammage ) wee paus'd : but ( ere I proceed ) I must tell you , signior , that ( in this last encounter ) not hauing leisure to put off my siluer spurres , one of the rowels catcht hold of the ruffle of my boot , and ( being Spanish leather , and subiect to teare ) ouerthrowes me , rends me two paire of silke stockings ( that I put on , being somewhat a raw morning , a peach colour and another ) and strikes me some halfe inch deepe into the side of the calfe ; Hee ( seeing the bloud come ) presently takes horse , and away . I ( hauing bound vp my wound with a peece of my wrought shirt ) —

CARL.

O! comes it in there ?

FAST .

Rid after him , and ( lighting at the court-gate , both together ) embrac'd , and marcht hand in hand vp into the presence : was not this businesse well carried ?

MACI.

Well ? yes , and by this we can gesse what apparell the gentleman wore .

PVNT.

Fore valour , it was a designement begun with much resolution , maintain'd with as much prowesse , and ended with more humanitie . How now , what saies the Notarie ?

SERV.

He saies , he is ready , sir , he staies but your worships pleasure .

PVNT.

Come , we will goe to him , Monsieur . Gentlemen , shall we entreat you to be witnesses ?

SOGL.

You shall entreat me , sir : come Resolution .

SHIFT .

I follow you , good Countenance .

CARL.

Come , signior , come , come .

MACI. O , that there should be fortune To clothe these men , so naked in desert ! And that the iust storme of a wretched life , Beats 'hem not ragged , for their wretched soules , And , since as fruitlesse , euen as black as coales ! GREX. MIT .

Why , but signior , how comes it , that FVNGOSO appear'd not with his sisters intelligence , to BRISKE ?

COR.

Mary , long of the euill angels that she gaue him , who haue indeed tempted the good simple youth , to follow the taile of the fashion , and neglect the imposition of his friends . Behold , here hee comes , very worshipfully attended and with good varietie .

Act IIII. Scene VII . FVNGOSO , TAYLOR , SHOO-MAKER , HABERDASHER .

GRamercie , good shoo-maker , I 'le put to strings my selfe . Now , sir , let me see , what must you haue for this hat ?

HABER .

Here 's the bill , sir.

FVNG.

How does 't become me ? well ?

TAIL .

Excellent , sir , as euer you had any hat in your life .

FVNG.

Nay , you 'll say so , all .

HABE .

In faith , sir , the hat 's as good as any man i' this towne can serue you ; and will maintayne fashion as long : ne're trust me for a groat else .

FVNG.

Do's it apply well to my sute ?

TAIL .

Exceeding well , sir.

FVNG.

How lik'st thou my sute , haberdasher ?

HABE .

By my troth , sir , 't is very rarely well made , I neuer saw a sute sit better , I can tell , on .

TAIL .

Nay , we haue no arte to please our friends , we .

FVNG.

Here , haberdasher , tell this fame .

HABE .

Good faith , sir , it makes you haue an excellent body .

FVNG.

Nay ( beleeue me ) I thinke I haue as good a body in clothes , as another .

TAIL .

You lack points , to bring your apparell together , sir.

FVNG.

I 'le haue points anon : how now ? is 't right ?

HABE .

Faith , sir , 't is too little , but vpon farther hopes — Good morrow to you , sir.

FVNG.

Farewell , good haberdasher . Well , now master SNIP , let mee see your bill .

GREX. MIT .

Me thinkes he discharges his followers too thicke .

COR.

O , therein he fancily imitates some great man . I warrant you , though he turnes off them , he keepes this taylor , in place of a page , to follow him still .

FVNG.

This bill is very reasonable , in faith ( harke you , master SNIP ) Troth , sir , I am not altogether so well furnisht at this present , as I could wish I were , but — If you 'le doe mee the fauour to take part in hand , you shall haue all I haue , by this hand —

TAIL .

Sir —

FVNG.

And , but giue mee credit for the rest , till the beginning of the next terme .

TAIL .

O lord , sir —

FVNG.

Fore god , and by this light , I 'le pay you to the vtmost , and acknowledge my selfe verie deeply engag'd to you , by the courtesie .

TAIL .

Why , how much haue you there , sir ?

FVNG.

Mary I haue here foure angels , and fifteene shillings of white monie : it 's all I haue , as I hope to be blest .

TAIL .

You will not faile me , at the next tearme , with the rest .

FVNG.

No , and I doe , pray heauen , I be hang'd . Let me neuer breathe againe , vpon this mortall stage , as the philosopher cals it . By this aire , and ( as I am a gentleman ) I 'le hold .

GREX. CORD .

He were an yron-hearted fellow , in my iudgement , that would not credit him vpon this volley of othes .

TAIL .

Well , sir , I 'le not sticke with any gentleman for a trifle : you know what 't is , remaines ?

FVNG.

I , sir , and I giue you thankes in good faith . O fate ! how happie am I made in this good fortune ! Well , now I 'le goe seeke out Monsieur BRISKE . 'Ods so , I haue forgot ribband for my shooes , and points . Slid , what lucke 's this ! how shall I doe ? Master SNIPPE , pray let me reduct some two or three shillings for points , and ribband : as I am an honest man , I haue vtterly disfurnisht my selfe , in the default of memorie , pray'le me be beholding to you , it shall come home i' the bill , beleeue me .

TAIL .

Faith , sir , I can hardly depart with ready mony , but I 'le take vp , and send you some by my boy , presently . What colour'd ribband would you haue ?

FVNG.

What you shall thinke meet i' your iudgement , sir , to my sute .

TAIL .

Well , I 'le send you some presently .

FVNG.

And points too , sir ?

TAIL .

And points too , sir.

FVNG.

Good lord ! how shall I studie to deserue this kindnesse of you , sir ? Pray , let your youth make haste , for I should haue done a businesse an houre since , that I doubt I shall come too late . Now , in good faith , I am exceeding proud of my sute .

GREX. COR.

Doe you obserue the plunges , that this poore gallant is put to ( signior ) to purchase the fashion ?

MIT .

I , and to bee still a fashion behinde with the world , that 's the sport .

COR.

Stay : O here they come , from seal'd , and deliuer'd .

Act IIII. Scene VIII . PVNTARVOLO , FASTIDIVS BRISKE , SERVANTS CARLO , SOGLIARDO , MACILENTE , SHIFT . FVNGOSO . To them .

WEll , now my whole venter is forth , I will resolue to depart shortly .

FAST .

Faith , sir PVNTARVOLO , goe to the court , and take leaue of the ladies first .

PVNT.

I care not , if it be this afternoones labour . Where is CARLO ?

FAST .

Here he comes .

CARL.

Faith , gallants , I am perswading this gentleman to turne courtier . He is a man of faire reuenue , and his estate will beare the charge well . Besides , for his other gifts of the minde , or so , why , they are as nature lent him 'hem , pure , simple , without any artificiall drug or mixture of these two thred-bare beggarly qualities , learning , and knowledge , and therefore the more accommodate , and genuine . Now , for the life it selfe —

FAST .

O , the most celestiall , and full of wonder , and delight , that can be imagin'd , signior , beyond all thought , and apprehension of pleasure ! A man liues there , in that diuine rapture , that hee will thinke himselfe i' the ninth heauen for the time , and lose all sense of mortalitie whatsoeuer ; when he shall behold such glorious ( and almost immortall ) beauties , heare such angelicall and harmonious voyces , discourse with such flowing and ambrosiam spirits , whose wits are as suddaine as lightning , and humorous as nectar , Oh : it makes a man al quintessence , and flame , & lifts him vp ( in a moment ) to the verie christall crowne of the skie , where ( houering in the strength of his imagination ) he shall behold all the delights of the HESPERIDES , the Insulae Fortunatae , ADONIS gardens , Tempe or what else ( condfin'd within the amplest verge of poesie ) to bee meere vmbrae , and imperfect figures , conferr'd with the most essentiall felicitie of your court .

MACI.

Well , this Encomion was not extemporall , it came too perfectly off .

CARL.

Besides , sir , you shall neuer need to goe to a hot-house , you shall sweat there with courting your mistresse , or losing your monie at primero , as well as in all the stones in Sweden . Mary this , sir , you must euer be sure to carrie a good strong perfume about you , that your mistresse dogge may smell you out amongst the rest ; and ( in making loue to her ) neuer feare to be out : for you may haue a pipe of tabacco , or a base violl shall hang o' the wall , of purpose , will put you in presently . The trickes your Resolution has taught you in tabacco , ( the whisse , and those sleights ) will stand you in verie good ornament there ?

FAST .

I , to some perhaps : but , and hee should come to my mistresse with tabacco ( this gentleman knowes ) shee 'ld reply vpon him , yfaith . O , ( by this bright sunne ) shee has the most acute , readie , and facetious wit , that — tut there 's no spirit able to stand her . You can report it , signior , you haue seene her ?

PVNT.

Then can hee report no lesse , out of his iudgement , I assure him .

MACI.

Troth , I like her well enough , but shee 's too selfe-conceited , me thinkes .

FAST .

I indeed , shee 's a little too selfe conceited , and 't were not for that humour , she were the most-to-be-admir'd ladie in the world .

PVNT.

Indeed , it is a humour that takes from her other excellencies .

MACI.

Why , it may easily be made to forsake her , in my thought .

FAST .

Easily , sir ? then are all impossibilities easie .

MACI.

You conclude too quicke vpon me , signior , what will you say , if I make it so perspicuously appeare now , that your selfe shall confesse nothing more possible ?

FAST .

Mary , I will say , I will both applaud , and admire you for it .

PVNT.

And I will second him , in the admiration .

MACI. They whisper .

Why , I 'le shew you , gentlemen . CARLO , come hither .

SOGL.

Good faith , I haue a great humor to the court : what thinkes my Resolution ? shall I aduenture ?

SHIFT .

Troth , Countenance , as you please ; the place is a place of good reputation , and capacitie .

SOGL.

O , my trickes in tabacco ( as CARLO sayes ) will shew excellent there .

SHIFT .

Why , you may goe with these gentlemen now , and see fashions : and after , as you shall see correspondence .

SOGL.

You say true . You will goe with me , Resolution ?

SHIFT .

I will meet you , Countenance , about three or foure of clocke , but , to say to goe with you I cannot , for ( as I am APPLE-IOHN ) I am to goe before the Cocatrice you saw this morning , and therefore pray' , present mee excus'd , good Countenance .

SOGL.

Farewell , good Resolution , but faile not to meet .

SHIFT .

As I liue .

PVNT.

Admirably excellent !

MACI.

If you can but perswade SOGLIARDO to court , there 's all now .

CARL.

O let me alone , that 's my taske .

FAST .

Now , by wit , MACILENTE , it 's aboue measure excellent : 't will be the onely court-exploit that euer prou'd courtier ingenious .

PVNT.

Vpon my soule , it puts the ladie quite out of her humour , and we shall laugh with iudgement .

CARL.

Come , the gentleman was of himselfe resolu'd to goe with you , afore I mou'd it .

MACI.

Why then , gallants , you two , and CARLO , goe afore to prepare the iest : SOGLIARDO and I will come some while after you .

CARL.

Pardon me , I am not for court .

PVNT.

That 's true : CARLO comes not at court indeed . Well , you shall leaue it to the facultie of monsieur BRISKE , and my selfe , vpon our liues wee will manage it happily . CARLO shall bespeake supper , at the miter , against we come backe : where we will meet , and dimple our cheekes with laughter at the successe .

CARL.

I , but will you all promise to come ?

PVNT.

My selfe shall manfrede it for them : he that failes , let his reputation lye vnder the lash of thy tongue .

CARL.

Gods so , looke who comes here !

SOGL.

What , nephew !

FVNG.

Vncle , god saue you ; did you see a gentleman , one monsieur BRISKE ? a Courtier , he goes in such a sute as I doe .

SOGL.

Here is the gentleman , nephew , but not in such a sute .

FVNG. He swounes .

Another sute !

SOGL.

How now , nephew ?

FAST .

Would you speake to me , sir ?

CARL.

I , when he has recouered himselfe : poore poll .

PVNT.

Some Rosa-solis .

MACI.

How now , signior ?

FVNG.

I am not well , sir.

MACI.

Why , this it is , to dogge the fashion .

CARL.

Nay , come gentlemen , remember your affaires ; his disease is nothing but the fluxe of apparell .

PVNT.

Sirs , returne to the lodging , keepe the cat safe ; I 'le be the dogs Guardian my selfe .

SOGL.

Nephew , will you goe to court with vs ? these gentlemen and I are for the court : nay , be not so melancholy .

FVNG.

By gods lid , I thinke no man in christendome has that rascally fortune that I haue .

MACI.

Faith , your sute is well enough , signior .

FVNG.

Nay , not for that , I protest ; but I had an errand to Monsieur FASTIDIVS , and I haue forgot it .

MACI.

Why , goe along to court with vs , and remember it , come . Gentlemen , you three take one boat , and SOGLIARDO and I will take another : we shall be there instantly .

FAST .

Content : good sir , vouchsafe vs your pleasance .

PVNT.

Farewell , CARLO ; remember .

CARL.

I warrant you : would I had one of Kemps shooes to throw after you .

PVNT.

Good Fortune will close the eyes of our iest , feare not : and we shall frollicke .

GREX. MIT .

This MACILENTE , signior , begins to bee more sociable on a suddaine , mee thinkes , then hee was before : there 's some portent in 't , I beleeue .

COR.

O , hee 's a fellow of a strange nature . Now do's hee ( in this calme of his humour ) plot , and store vp a world of malicious thoughts in his braine , till hee is so full with 'hem , that you shall see the very torrent of his enuie breake forth like a land-floud : and , against the course of all their affections oppose it selfe so violently , that you will almost haue wonder to thinke , how 't is possible the current of their dispositions shall receiue so quick , and strong an alteration .

MIT .

I mary , sir , this is that , on which my expectation has dwelt al this while : for I must tel you , signior ( though I was loth to interrupt the Scene ) yet I made it a question in mine owne priuate discourse , how he should properly call it , Euery man out of his Humour , when I saw all his actors so strongly pursue , and continue their humours ?

COR.

Why , therein his art appeares most full of lustre , and approcheth neerest the life : especially , when in the flame , and height of their humours , they are laid flat , it fils the eye better , and with more contentment . How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree lopt , and cut downe by degrees , when it might bee feld in a moment ? and to set the axe to it before it came to that pride , and fulnesse , were , as not to haue it grow .

MIT .

Well , I shall long till I see this fall , you talke of .

COR.

To helpe your longing , signior , let your imagination be swifter them a paire of oares : and by this , suppose PVNTARVOLO , BRISKE , FVNGOSO , and the dogge arriu'd at the court gate , and going vp to the great chamber . MACILENTE , and SOGLIARDO , wee 'le leaue them on the water , till possibilitie and naturall meanes may land 'hem . Here come the gallants , now prepare your expectation .

Act V.

Scene I. PVNTARVOLO , FASTIDIVS BRISKE , FVNGOSO , GROOME , MACILENTE , SOGLIARDO .

COme , gentles . Signior , you are sufficiently instructed .

FAST .

Who , I , sir ?

PVNT.

No , this gentleman . But stay , I take thought how to bestow my dogge , he is no competent attendant for the presence .

FAST .

Masse , that 's true indeed , knight , you must not carrie him into the presence .

PVNT.

I know it , and I ( like a dull beast ) forgot to bring one of my cormorants to attend me .

FAST .

Why , you 're best leaue him at the porters lodge .

PVNT.

Not so : his worth is too well knowne amongst them , to bee forth-comming .

FAST .

Slight , how 'll you doe then ?

PVNT.

I must leaue him with one , that is ignorant of his qualitie , if I will haue him to be safe . And see ! Here comes one that wil carrie coales , ergo , will hold my dogge . My honest friend , may I commit the tuition of this dogge to thy prudent care ?

GROO.

You may , if you please , sir.

PVNT.

Pray thee let me find thee here at my returne : it shall not bee long , till I will ease thee of thy imployment , and please thee . Forth , gentles .

FAST .

Why , but will you leaue him with so slight command , and infirse no more charge , vpon the fellow ?

PVNT.

Charge ? no ; there were no policie in that : that were to let him know the value of the gemme he holds , and so , to tempt fraile nature against her disposition . No , pray thee let thy honestie be sweet , as it shall be short .

GROO.

Yes , sir.

PVNT.

But harke you gallants , and chiefely Monsieur BRISKE . When we come in eye-shot , or presence of this ladie , let not other matters carrie vs from our proiect : but ( if wee can ) single her forth to some place —

FAST .

I warrant you .

PVNT.

And bee not too suddaine , but let the deuice induce it selfe with good circumstance . On.

FVNG.

Is this the way ? good truth , here be fine hangings .

GROO.

Honestie sweet , and short ? mary it shall , sir , doubt you not : for euen at this instant if one would giue mee twentie pounds , I would not deliuer him ; there 's for the sweet ; but now , if any man come offer me but two pence , he shall haue him ; there 's for the short now . Slid , what a mad humorous gentleman is this to leaue his dogge with me ? I could run away with him now , and hee were worth any thing .

MACI.

Come on , signior , now prepare to court this all-witted ladie , most naturally , and like your selfe .

SOGL.

Faith , and you say the word , I 'le begin to her in tabacco .

MACI.

O , fie on 't : no : you shall begin with , How does my sweet ladie ? or , Why are you so melancholy , Madame ? though shee bee verie merrie , it 's all one : be sure to kisse your hand often inough ; pray for her health , and tell her , how , more then most faire she is . Screw your face at one side thus , and protest ; let her fleere , and looke a skaunce , and hide her teeth with her fanne , when she laughs a fit , to bring her into more matter , that 's nothing : you must talke forward ( though it be without sense , so it be without blushing ) 't is most court-like , and well .

SOGL.

But shall I not vse tabacco at all ?

MACI.

O , by no meanes , 't will but make your breath suspected , and that you vse it onely to confound the rankenesse of that .

SOGL.

Nay , I 'le be aduis'd , sir , by my friends .

MACI.

Gods my life , see , where sir PVNTARS dog is .

GROO.

I would the gentleman would returne for his follower here , I 'le leaue him to his fortunes else .

MACI.

S'heart , 't were the onely true iest in the world to poison him now : ha ? by this hand , I 'le doe it , if I could but get him of the fellow . Signior SOGLIARDO , walke aside , and thinke vpon some deuice , to entertaine the ladie with .

SOGL.

So I doe , sir.

MACI.

How now , mine honest friend ? whose dog-keeper art thou ?

GROO.

Dogge-keeper , sir ? I hope I scorne that yfaith .

MACI.

Why ? do'st thou not keepe a dogge ?

GROO. Hee throwes off the dogge .

Sir , now I doe , and now I doe not : I thinke this be sweet and short . Make me his dogge-keeper ?

MACI.

This is excellent , aboue expectation : nay stay , sir , you 'ld bee trauailing , but I 'le giue you a dramme shall shorten your voyage : here . So sir , I 'le be bold to take my leaue of you . Now to the Turkes court in the deuils name , for you shall neuer goe o'gods name . SOGLIARDO , come .

SOGL.

I ha' 't ysaith now , will sting it .

MACI.

Take heed you leese it not , signior , ere you come there : preserue it .

GREX. CORD .

How like you this first exploit of his ?

MITIS .

O , a piece of true enuie : but I expect the issue of the other deuice .

CORD .

Here they come , will make it appeare .

Act V. Scene II. SAVIOLINA , PVNTARVOLO , FASTIDIVS BRISKE , FVNGOSO , MACILENTE , SOGLIARDO . To them .

WHy , I thought , sir PVNTARVOLO , you had bin gone your voyage ?

PVNT.

Deare , and most amiable ladie , your diuine beauties doe bind me to those offices , that I cannot depart when I would .

SAVI .

'T is most court-like spoken , sir : but how might we do to haue a sight of your dogge , and cat ?

FAST .

His dogge is in the court , ladie .

SAVI .

And not your cat ? how dare you trust her behind you , sir ?

PVNT.

Troth , madame , shee hath sore eyes , and shee doth keepe her chamber : mary I haue left vnder sufficient guard , there are two of my followers to attend her .

SAVI .

I 'le giue you some water for her eyes : when doe you goe , sir ?

PVNT.

Certes , sweet ladie , I know not .

FAST .

He doth stay the rather , madame , to present you acute iudgement with so courtly , and wel-parted a gentleman , as yet your lady-ship hath neuer seene .

SAVI .

What 's hee , gentle Monsieur BRISKE ? not that gentleman ?

FAST .

No ladie , this is a kinsman to iustice Silence .

PVNT.

Pray' sir , giue me leaue to report him : he 's a gentleman ( ladie ) of that rare and admirable facultie , as ( I protest ) I know not his like in Europe : hee is exceedingly valiant , an excellent scholler , and so exactly trauail'd , that hee is able in discourse , to deliuer you a modell of any princes court in the world : speakes the languages with that puritie of phrase , and facilitie of accent , that it breeds astonishment : his wit , the most exuberant , and ( aboue wonder ) pleasant , of all that euer entred the concaue of this eue .

FAST .

'T is most true , ladie : mary , he is no such excellent proper man .

PVNT.

His trauailes haue chang'd his complexion , madame .

SAVI .

O , sir PVNTARVOLO , you must thinke , euery man was not borne to haue my seruant BRISKES feature .

PVNT.

But that which transcends all , ladie ; hee doth so peerelessely imitate any manner of person for gesture , action , passion , or whateuer —

FAST .

I , especially a rusticke , or a clowne , madame , that it is not possible for the sharpest-sighted wit ( in the world ) to discerne any sparkes of the gentleman in him , when he does .

SAVI .

O , Monsieur BRISKE , be not so tyrannous to confine all wits within the compasse of your owne : not find the sparkes of a gentleman in him , if he be a gentleman ?

FVNG.

No in truth ( sweet ladie ) I beleeue you cannot .

SAVI .

Doe you beleeue so ? why , I can find sparkes of a gentleman in you , sir.

PVNT.

I , he is a gentleman , madame , and a reueller .

FVNG.

Indeed , I thinke I haue seene your ladiship at our reuels .

SAVI .

Like enough , sir : but would I might see this wonder you talke of : may one haue a sight of him , for any reasonable summe ?

PVNT.

Yes , madame , he will arriue presently .

SAVI .

What , and shall we see him clowne it ?

FAST .

I faith ( sweet ladie ) that you shall : see , here he comes .

PVNT.

This is he ! pray obserue him , ladie .

SAVI .

Be shrew me , he clownes it properly indeed .

PVNT.

Nay , marke his courtship .

SOGL.

How does my sweet ladie ? hote , and moyst ? beautifull and lustie ? ha ?

SAVI .

Beautifull , and it please you , sir , but not lustie .

SOGL.

O ho , ladie ; it pleases you to say so in truth : and how does my sweet ladie ? in health ? Bonaroba , quaeso , que nouelles ? que nouells ? sweet creature .

SAVI .

O excellent : why gallants , is this hee that cannot bee decipher'd ? they were verie bleare-witted , yfaith , that could not discerne the gentleman in him .

PVNT.

But , doe you , in earnest , ladie ?

SAVI .

Doe I , sir ? why , if you had any true court-iudgement in the carriage of his eye , and that inward power that formes his countenance , you might perceiue his counterfeiting as cleere , as the noone-day : Alas — Nay , if you would haue tryed my wit , indeed , you should neuer haue told me he was a gentleman , but presented him for a true clowne indeede ; and then haue seene if I could haue decipher'd him .

FAST .

Fore god , her ladiship sayes true ( knight : ) but does he not affect the clowne most naturally , mistresse ?

PVNT.

O , shee cannot but affirme that , out of the bountie of her iudgement .

SAVI .

Nay , out of doubt hee does well , for a gentleman , to imitate ; but I warrant you , he becomes his natural carriage of the gentleman , much better then his clownerie .

FAST .

'T is strange , in truth , her ladiship should see so farre into him .

PVNT.

I , is 't not ?

SAVI .

Faith , as easily as may be : not decipher him , quoth you ?

FVNG.

Good sadnesse , I wonder at it !

MACI.

Why , has she decipher'd him , gentlemen ?

PVNT.

O , most miraculously , and beyond admiration !

MACI.

Is 't possible ?

FAST .

Shee hath gather'd most infallible signes of the gentleman in him , that 's certaine .

SAVI .

Why , gallants , let mee laugh at you , a little : was this your deuice , to trie my iudgement in a gentleman ?

MACI.

Nay , ladie , doe not scorne vs , though you haue this gift of perspicacie aboue others : What if hee should bee no gentleman now , but a clowne indeed , ladie ?

PVNT.

How thinke you of that ? would not your ladiship bee out of your humour ?

FAST .

O , but shee knowes it is not so .

SAVI .

What if he were not a man , yee may as well say ? nay , if your worships could gull me so , indeed , you were wiser then you are taken for .

MACI.

In good faith , ladie , hee is a verie perfect clowne , both by father , and mother : that I 'le assure you .

SAVI .

O , sir , you are verie pleasurable .

MACI.

Nay , doe but looke on his hand , and that shall resolue you : looke you , ladie , what a palme here is .

SOGL.

Tut , that was with holding the plough .

MACI.

The plough ! did you discerne any such thing in him , madame ?

FAST .

Faith no , she saw the gentleman as bright , as at noon-day , she : shee decipher'd him at first .

MACI.

Troth , I am sorrie your ladiships sight should be so suddainly strooke .

SAVI .

O , you 're goodly beagles !

FAST .

What , is she gone ?

SOGL.

Nay , stay , sweet ladie , que nouelles ? que nouelles ?

SAVI .

Out , you foole , you .

FVNG.

Shee 's out of her humour yfaith .

FAST .

Nay , let 's follow it while 't is hot , gentlemen .

PVNT.

Come , on mine honour wee shall make her blush in the presence : my splene is great with laughter .

MACI.

Your laughter wil be a child of a feeble life , I beleeue , sir. Come , signior , your lookes are too deiected , mee thinkes : why mixe you not mirth with the rest ?

FVNG.

By gods will , this sute frets me at the soule . I 'le haue it alter'd to morrow , sure .

Act V. scene III. SHIFT . FASTIDIVS , PVNTARVOLO , SOGLIARDO , FVNGOSO , MACILENTE . To him .

I Am come to the court , to meet with my Countenance SOGLIARDO : poore men must be glad of such countenance , when they can get no better . Wel. Need may insult vpon a man , but it shal neuer make him despaire of consequence . The world wil say , t is base : tush , base ! 't is base to liue vnder the earth , not base to liue aboue it , by any meanes .

FAST .

The poore ladie is most miserably out of her humour , yfaith .

PVNT.

There was neuer so wittie a iest broken , at the tilt of all the court-wits christen'd .

MACI.

O , this applause taints it , fouly .

SOGL.

I thinke , I did my part in courting . O! Resolution !

PVNT.

Aye me , my dogge .

MACI.

Where is hee ?

FAST . H●send●aw●y Fungoso .

Gods precious , goe seeke for the fellow , good signior .

PVNT.

Here , here I left him .

MACI.

Why , none was here when we came in now , but CAVALIER SHIFT , enquire of him .

FAST .

Did you see sir PVNTARVOLO'S dogge here , Caualier , since you came ?

SHIFT .

His dog sir ? he may looke his dog , sir , I saw none of his dog , sir.

MACI.

Vpon my life , he hath stol'ne your dogge , sir , and beene hir'd to it by some that haue ventur'd with you : you may gesse by his peremptorie answeres .

PVNT.

Not vnlike ; for he hath beene a notorious thiefe by his owne confession . Sirrah , where is my dogge ?

SHIFT .

Charge mee with your dogge , sir ? I ha' none of your dog , sir.

PVNT.

Villaine , thou lyest .

SHIFT .

Lie , sir ? S'bloud , y' are but a man , sir.

PVNT.

Rogue , and thiefe , restore him .

SOGL.

Take heed , sir PVNTARVOLO , what you doe : hee le beare no coales , I can tell you ( o' my word . )

MACI.

This is rare .

SOGL.

It 's mar'le hee stabs you not : by this light , he hath stab'd forty , for forty times lesse matter , I can tell you , of my knowledge .

PVNT.

I wil make thee stoope , thou abiect .

SOGL.

Make him stoop , sir ! gentlemen , pacifie him or hee 'le be kill'd .

MACI.

Is he so tall a man ?

SOGL.

Tall a man ? if you loue his life , stand betwixt 'hem : make him stoope !

PVNT.

My dogge , villaine , or I will hang thee : thou hast confest robberies , and other fellonious acts , to this gentleman thy Countenance —

SOGL.

I 'le beare no witnesse .

PVNT.

And , without my dogge , I will hang thee , for them .

SOGL. Shift kneeles .

What ? kneele to thine enemies ?

SHIFT .

Pardon me , good sir ; god is my witnesse , I neuer did robberie in all my life .

FVNG. Fungoso return'd .

O , sir PVNTARVOLO , your dogge lies giuing vp the ghost in the wood-yard .

MACI.

Heart ! is he not dead , yet ?

PVNT.

O , my dog , born to disastrous fortune ! pray you conduct me , sir.

SOGL.

How ? did you neuer doe any robberie , in your life ?

MACI.

O , this is good : so he swore , sir.

SOGL.

I , I heard him . And did you sweare true , sir ?

SHIFT .

I , ( as I hope to be forgiuen , sir ) I ne're rob'd any man , I neuer stood by the high-way-side , sir , but only said so , because I would get my selfe a name , and be counted a tall man .

SOGL.

Now out , base viliaco : Thou my Resolution ? I thy Countenance ? By this light , gentlemen , he hath confest to mee the most inexorable companie of robberies , and damn'd himselfe that he did 'hem ; you neuer heard the like : out skoundrell , out , follow me no more , I commaund thee : out of my sight , goe , hence , speake not : I wil not heare thee : away camouccio .

MACI.

O , how I doe feed vpon this now , and fat my selfe ! here were a couple vnexpectedly dishumour'd : well , by this time , I hope , sir PVNTARVOLO and his dog are both out of humour to trauaile . Nay , gentlemen , why doe you not seeke out the knight , and comfort him ? our supper at the Mitre must of necessitie hold to night , if you loue your reputations .

FAST .

'Fore god , I am so melancholy for his dogs disaster , but I 'le goe .

SOGL.

Faith , and I may goe too , but I know , I shall be so melancholy .

MACI.

Tush , melancholy ? you must forget that now , and remember you lie at the mercy of a furie : CARLO will racke your sinewes asunder , and raile you to dust , if you come not .

GREX. MIT .

O , then their feare of CARLO , belike , makes them hold their meeting .

COR.

I , here he comes : conceiue him but to be enter'd the Mitre , and 't is enough .

Act V. Scene IIII. CARLO , DRAWER , GEORGE .

HOlla : where be these shot-sharkes ?

DRAW .

By and by : you 're welcome , good master BVFFONE .

CARL.

Where 's GEORGE ? calme GEORGE hither , quickly .

DRAW .

What wine please you haue , sir ? I 'le draw you that 's neat , master BVFFONE .

CARL.

Away NEOPHITE , do as I bid thee , bring my deare GEORGE to me : Masse , here he comes .

GEOR.

Welcome , master CARLO .

CARL.

What! is supper ready , GEORGE ?

GEOR.

I , sir , almost : will you haue the cloth laid , master CARLO ?

CARL.

O , what else ? are none of the gallants come , yet ?

GEOR.

None yet , sir.

CARL.

Stay , take mee with you , GEORGE : let mee haue a good faloyne of porke laid to the fire , presently .

GEOR.

It shall , sir.

CARL.

And withall , heare you ? draw me the biggest shaft you haue , out of the butt you wot of : away , you know my meaning , GEORGE , quicke .

GEOR.

Done , sir.

CARL.

I neuer hungred so much for thing in my life , as I doe to know our gallants successe at court : now is that leane bald-rib MACILENTE , that salt villaine , plotting some mischicuous deuice , and lyes a soking in their frothy humours like a drie crust , till he has drunke 'hem all vp : could the pummise but hold vp his eyes at other mens happines , in any reasonable proportion : S'lid , the slaue were to be lou'd next heauen , aboue honour , wealth , rich fare , apparell , wenches , all the delights of the belly , and the groine , whateuer .

GEOR.

Here , master CARLO .

CARL.

Is 't right , Boy ?

GEOR.

I , sir , I assure you 't is right .

CARL. He puts forth the drawers , and shuts the dore .

Well said , my deare GEORGE , depart : Come , my small gymblet , you in the false scabberd , away , so . Now to you , sir Burgomaster , let 's taste of your bountie .

GREX. MIT .

What , will he deale vpon such quantities of wine , alone ?

COR.

You will perceiue that , sir.

CARL. Hee sets the two cups asunder , and first drinkes with the one , and pledges with the other .

I mary , sir , here 's puritie : O , GEORGE , I could bite off his nose for this , now : Sweet rogue , he has drawne Nectar , the very soule of the grape ! I 'le wash my temples with some on 't presently , and drinke some halfe a score draughts ; 't will heat the braine , kindle my imagination , I shall talke nothing but crackers , and fire-worke , to night . So , sir ! please you to be here , sir , and I here : So.

GREX. COR.

This is worth the obseruation , signior .

CARL. 1. Cap.

Now , sir ; here 's to you ; and I present you with so much of my loue .

2. Cap.

I take it kindly from you , sir , and will returne you the like proportion : but withall , sir , remembring the merry night wee had at the countesses , you know where , sir.

By heauen , you put me in minde now of a very necessarie office , which I will propose in your pledge , sir : the health of that honorable countesse , and the sweet lady that sate by her , sir.

I doe vaile to it with reuerence . And now , signior , with these ladies , I 'le be bold to mixe the health of your diuine Mistris .

Doe you know her , sir ?

O lord , sir , I : and in the respectfull memorie and mention of her , I could wish this wine were the most precious drugge in the world .

Good faith , sir , you doe honour me in 't exceedingly .

GREX. MIT .

Whom should he personate in this , signior ?

COR.

Faith , I know not , sir , obserue , obserue him .

If it were the basest filth , or mud that runnes in the channell , I am bound to pledge it , respectiuely , sir. And now , sir , here is a replenisht bowle , which I will reciprocally turne vpon you , to the health of the count FRVGALE .

The count FRVGALES health , sir ? I 'le pledge it on my knees , by this light .

Will you , sir ? I 'le drinke it on my knee , then , by the light .

GREX. MIT .

Why , this is strange !

COR.

Ha' you heard a better drunken dialogue ?

Nay , doe me right , sir.

So I doe , in good faith .

Good faith you doe not ; mine was fuller .

Why , beleeue me , it was not .

Beleeue me , it was : and you doe lie .

Lie , sir ?

I , sir.

S'wounds !

O , come , stab if you haue a mind to it .

Stab ? dost thou thinke I dare not ?

CARL.

Nay , I beseech you , gentlemen , what meanes this ? nay , looke , for shame respect your reputations .

Act V. Scene V. MACILENTE , CARLO , GEORGE .

WHy , how now CARLO ! what humour 's this ?

CARL.

O , my good Mischiefe ! art thou come ? where are the rest ? where are the rest ?

MACI.

Faith , three of our ordinance are burst .

CARL.

Burst ? how comes that ?

MACI.

Faith , ouer-charg'd , ouer-charg'd .

CARL.

But did not the traine hold ?

MACI.

O , yes , and the poore lady is irrecouerably blowne vp .

CARL.

Why , but which of the munition is miscarried ? ha ?

MACI.

Inprimis , sir PVNTARVOLO : next , the COVNTENANCE , and RESOLVTION .

CARL.

How ? how for the loue of wit ?

MACI.

Troth , the Resolution is prou'd recreant ; the Countenance hath chang'd his copie : and the passionate knight is shedding funerall teares ouer his departed dogge .

CARL.

What 's his dogge dead ?

MACI.

Poison'd , 't is thought : mary , how , or by whom , that 's left for some cunning woman here o' the Banke-side to resolue . For my part , I know nothing , more then that wee are like to haue an exeeding melancholy supper of it .

CARL.

S'life , and I had purpos'd to be extraordinarily merry , I had drunke off a good preparatiue of old sacke here : but will they come , will they come ?

MACI.

They will assuredly come : may , CARLO ( as thou lou'st me ) run ouer 'hem all freely to night , and especially the knight ; spare no sulphurous iest that may come out of that sweatie forge of thine : but ply 'hem with all manner of shot , minion , saker , culvertine , or any thing what thou wilt .

CARL.

I warrant thee , my deare case of petrionels , so I stand not in dread of thee , but that thou 'lt second me .

MACI.

Why , my good Germane tapster , I will .

CARL.

What , GEORGE . Lomtero , Lomtero , &c. He dances .

GEOR.

Did you call , master CARLO ?

CARL.

More nectar , GEORGE : Lomtero , &c.

GEOR.

Your meat 's ready , sir , and your company were come .

CARL.

Is the loyne of porke enough ?

GEOR.

I , sir , it is enough .

MACI.

Porke ? heart , what dost thou with such a greasie dish ? I thinke thou dost varnish thy face with the fat on 't , it lookes so like a glew-pot .

CARL.

True , my raw-bon'd-rogue , and if thou would'st farce thy leane ribs with it too , they would not ( like ragged lathes ) rub out so many doublets as they doe : but thou know'st not a good dish , thou . O , it 's the only nourishing meat in the world . No maruaile though that saucie , stubborne generation , the Iewes , were forbidden it : for what would they ha' done , well pamper'd with fat porke , that durst murmure at their maker out of garlicke , and onions . S'light , fed with it , the whorson strummell , patcht , goggle-ey'd Grumbledories , would ha' Gigantomachiz'd . Well said , my sweet GEORGE , fill , fill .

GREX. MIT .

This sauours too much of prophanation .

COR.

O , seruetur ad imum , qualis ab incepto processerit , & sibi conflet . The necessite of his vaine compels a toleration : for , barre this , and dash him out of humour , before his time .

CARL.

'T is an Axiome in naturall philosophie , What comes neerest the nature of that it feeds , conuerts quicker to nourisment , and doth sooner essentiate . Now nothing in flesh , and entrailes , assimulates or resembles man more , then a hog , or swine —

MACI.

True ; and hee ( to requite their courtesie ) oftentimes d'offeth his owne nature , and puts on theirs ; as when hee becomes as churlish as a hog , or as drunke as a sow : but to your conclusion .

CARL.

Mary , I say , nothing resembling man more then a swine , it followes , nothing can be more nourishing : for indeed ( but that it abhorres from our nice nature ) if we fed one vpon another , we should shoot vp a great deale faster , and thriue much better : I referre me to your vsurous Cannibals , or such like : but since it is so contrary , porke , porke , is your only feed .

MACI.

I take it , your deuill be of the same diet ; he would ne're ha' desir'd to beene incorporated into swine else . O , here comes the melancholy messe : vpon 'hem CARLO , charge , charge .

CARL.

'Fore god , sir PVNTARVOLO , I am sorry for your heauinesse : body a me , a shrewd mischance ! why , had you no vnicornes horne , nor bezoars stone about you ? ha ?

Act V. Scene VI. PVNTARVOLO , CARLO , MACILENTE , FAST . BRISKE , SOGLIARDO , FVNGOSO .

SIr , I would request you , be silent .

MACI.

Nay , to him againe .

CARL.

Take comfort , good knight , if your cat ha' recouered her catarrhe , feare nothing ; your dogges mischance may be holpen .

FAST .

Say how ( sweet CARLO ) for so god mend mee , the poore knights moues draw mee into fellowship of his misfortunes . But be not discourag'd , good sir PVNTARVOLO , I am content your aduenture shall be perform'd vpon your cat .

MACI.

I beleeue you , muske cod , I beleeue you , for rather then thou would'st make present repayment , thou would'st take it vpon his owne bare returne from Calice .

CARL.

Nay , 'ds life , hee 'ld bee content ( so hee were well rid out of his company ) to pay him fiue for one , at his next meeting him in Paules . But for your dogge , sir PVNTAR , if hee bee not out-right dead , there is a friend of mine , a quack-saluer , shall put life in him againe , that 's certaine .

FVNG.

O , no , that comes too late .

MACI.

Gods precious , knight , will you suffer this ?

PVNT.

Drawer , get me a candle , and hard waxe , presently .

SOGL.

I , and bring vp supper ; for I am so melancholy .

CARL.

O , signior , where 's your Resolution ?

SOGL.

Resolution ! hang him rascall : O , CARLO , if you loue me , doe not mention him .

CARL.

Why , how so ? how so ?

SOGL.

O , the arrant'st crocodile that euer Christian was acquainted with . By my gentrie , I shall thinke the worse of tabacco while I liue , for his sake : I did thinke him to be as tall a man —

MACI.

Nay , BVFFONE , the knight , the knight .

CARL.

S'hid , hee lookes like an image carued out of boxe , full of knots : his face is ( for all the world ) like a dutch purse , with the mouth downeward ; his beard the tassels : and hee walkes ( let mee see ) as melancholy as one o' the Masters side in the Counter . Doe you heare , sir PVNTAR ?

PVNT.

Sir , I doe entreat you no more , but enioyne you to silence , as you affect your peace .

CARL.

Nay , but deare knight , vnderstand ( here are none but friends , and such as wish you well ) I would ha' you doe this now ; Flea me your dogge presently ( but in any case keepe the head ) and stuffe his skin well with straw , as you see these dead monsters at Bartholmew faire .

PVNT.

I shall be suddaine , I tell you .

CARL.

Or if you like not that , sir , get me somewhat a lesse dog , and clap into the skin ; here 's a slaue about the towne here , a Iew , one YOHAN ; or a fellow that makes perrukes , will glew it on artificially , it shall ne're be discern'd , besides , 't will be so much the warmer for the hound to trauaile in , you know .

MACI.

Sir PVNTARVOLO , 'death , can you be so patient ?

CARL.

Or thus , sir : you may haue ( as you come through Germany ) a familiar for little or nothing , shall turne it selfe into the shape of your dogge , or any thing ( what you will ) for certaine houres ; 'ods my life , knight , what doe you meane ? you le offer no violence , will you ? hold , hold .

PVNT.

'Sdeath , you slaue , you bandog , you .

CARL.

As you loue wit , stay the enraged knight , gentlemen .

PVNT.

By my knighthood , he that stirres in his rescue , dies . Drawer , be gone .

CARL.

Murder , murder , murder .

PVNT.

I , are you howling , you wolfe ? Gentlemen , as you tender your liues , suffer no man to enter , till my reuenge be perfect . Sirha , BVFFONE , lie downe ; make no exclamations , but downe : downe , you curre , or I will make thy bloud flow on my rapier hilts .

CARL.

Sweet knight , hold in thy furie , and 'fore heauen , I 'le honour thee more , then the Turke do's MAHOMET .

PVNT.

Downe ( I say . ) Who 's there ?

CONS. Within .

Here 's the Constable , open the dores .

CARL.

Good , MACILENTE .

PVNT.

Open no dore , if the ADALANTADO of Spaine were here , he should not enter : On , helpe me with the light , gentlemen : you knocke in vaine , sir officer .

CARL.

Et in Brute !

PVNT.

Sirha , close your lips , or I will drop it in thine eyes by heauen .

CARL. He seales vp his lips .

O , O.

CONS.

Open the dore , or I will breake it open .

MACI.

Nay , good Constable , haue patience a little , you shall come in presently , we haue almost done .

PVNT. They all draw , and disperse .

So ; now , are you out of your humour , sir ? Shift , gentlemen .

Act V. Scene VII . CONSTABLE , OFFICERS , DRAWERS . To them .

LAy hold vpon this gallant , and pursue the rest .

FAST .

Lay hold on me , sir ! for what ?

CONS.

Mary , for your not here , sir , with the rest of your companions .

FAST .

My riot ! master Constable , take heed what you doe . CARLO , did I offer any violence ?

CONS.

O , sir , you see he is not in case to answere you , and that makes you so paramptorie .

FAST .

Peremptorie , s'life I appeale to the drawers , if I did him any hard measure .

GEOR.

They are all gone , there 's none of them will bee laid any hold on .

CONS.

Well , sir , you are like to answere till the rest can be found out .

FAST .

Slid , I appeare to GEORGE , here .

CONS.

Tut , GEORGE was not here : away with him to the Counter , sirs . Come , sir , you were best get your selfe drest somewhere .

GEOR.

Good lord , that master CARLO could not take heed , and knowing what a gentleman the knight is , if hee bee angrie .

DRAW .

A poxe on 'hem , they haue left all the meate on our hands , would they were choakt with it forme .

MACI. Macilente comes backe. .

What , are they gone , sirs ?

GEOR.

O , here 's master MACILENTE .

MACI.

Sirha , GEORGE , doe you see that concealement there ? that napkin vnder the table ?

GEOR.

Gods so , signior FVNGOSO !

MACI.

Her 's good pawne for the reckoning , bee sure you keepe him here , and Ice him not goe away till I come againe , though hee offer to discharge all : I le returne presently .

GEOR.

Sirrah , we haue a pawne for the reckoning .

DRAW .

What ? of MACILENTE ?

GEOR.

No , looke vnder the table .

FVNG.

I hope , all be quiet now : if I can get but forth of this street , I care not , masters , I pray you tell me , is the Constable gone ?

GEOR. Lookes out under the table. .

What ? master FVNGOSO ?

FVNG.

Was 't not a good deuice this same of me , sirs ?

GEOR.

Yes saith ; ha' you beene here all this while ?

FVNG.

O god , I ▪ good sir , looke , and the coast be cleere , I 'ld faine be going .

GEOR.

Al 's cleere , sir , but the reckoning ; and that you must cleare , and pay before you goe , I assure you .

FVNG.

I pay ? Slight , I eate not a bit since I came into the house , yet .

DRAW .

Why , you may when you please , sir , 't is all readie below , that was bespoken .

FVNG.

Bespoken ? not by me , I hope ?

GEOR.

By you , sir ? I know not that : but 't was for you , and your companie , I am sure .

FVNG.

My companie ? S'lid , I was an inuited guest , so I was .

DRAW .

Faith , we haue no thing to doe with that , sir , they 're all gone but you , and we must be answer'd ; that 's the short and the long on 't .

FVNG.

Nay , if you will grow to extremities , my masters , then would this pot , cup , and all were in my belly , if I haue a crosse about me .

GEOR.

What , and haue such apparell ? doe not say so , signior , that mightily discredits your clothes .

FVNG.

As I am an honest man , my taylor had all my monie this morning , and yet I must be faine to alter my sute too : good sirs , let me goe , 't is friday night , and in good truth I haue no stomacke in the world , to eate anie thing .

DRAW .

That 's no matter , so you pay , sir.

FVNG.

Pay ? gods light , with what conscience can you aske me to pay that I neuer dranke for ?

GEOR.

Yes , sir , I did see you drinke once .

FVNG.

By this cup , ( which is siluer ) but you did not , you doe mee infinite wrong , I look't in the pot once , indeed , but I did not drinke .

DRAW .

Well sir , if you can satisfie our master , it shall bee all one to vs. ( by and by . )

GREX. CORD .

Lose not your selfe now signior .

Act V. Scene VIII . MACILENTE , DELIRO , FALLACE .

TVt , sir , you did beare too hard a conceit of me in that , but I will now make my loue to you most transparent , in spight of any dust of suspition , that may bee raysed to cloud it : and henceforth , since I see it is so against your humour , I will neuer labour to perswade you .

DELI .

Why , I thanke you , signior , but what 's that you tell mee may concerne my peace so much ?

MACI.

Faith , sir , 't is thus . Your wiues brother , signior FVNGOSO , being at supper to night at a tauerne , with a sort of gallants , there happened some diuision amongst 'hem , and he is left in pawne for the reckoning : now , if euer you looke that time shall present you with a happie occasion to doe your wife some gracious and acceptable seruice , take hold of this opportunitie , and presently goe , and redeeme him ; for , being her brother , and his credit so amply engag'd as now it is , when she shall heare ( as hee cannot himselfe , but hee must out of extremitie report it ) that you came , and offered your selfe so kindly , and with that respect of his reputation , why , the benefit cannot but make her dote , and grow madde of your affections .

DELI .

Now , by heauen , MACILENTE , I acknowledge my selfe exceedingly indebted to you , by this kinde tender of your loue ; and I am sorrie to remember that I was euer so rude , to neglect a friend of your importance : bring mee shooes , and a cloke there , I was going to bed , if you had not come , what tauerne is it ?

MACI.

The Mitre , sir.

DELI .

O , why FIDO , my shooes . Good faith it cannot but please her exceedingly .

FALL .

Come , I marle what peece of nightwork you haue in hand now , that you call for your cloke , and your shooes ! what , is this your Pandar ?

DELI .

O , sweet wife , speake lower , I would not he should heare thee for a world —

FALL .

Hang him rascall , I cannot abide him for his trecherie , with his wilde quick-set beard there . Whither goe you now with him ?

DELI .

No whither with him , deare wife , I goe alone to a place , from whence I will returne instantly . Good MACILENTE , acquaint not her with it by any meanes , it may come so much the more accepted , frame some other answere . I 'le come backe immediately .

FALL .

Nay , and I be not worthie to know whither you goe , stay , till I take knowledge of your comming backe .

MACI.

Heare you , mistresse DELIRO .

FALL .

So sir , and what say you ?

MACI.

Faith ladie , my intents will not deserue this slight respect , when you shall know 'hem .

FALL .

Your intents ? why , what may your intents bee , for god sake !

MACI.

Troth , the time allowes no circumstance , ladie , therefore know , this was but a deuice to remoue your husband hence , and bestow him securely , whilest ( with more conueniencie ) I might report to you a misfortune that hath happened to Monsieur BRISKE — nay comfort , sweet ladie . This night ( being at supper a sort of young gallants committed a riot , for the which he ( onely ) is apprehended and carried to the Counter , where if your husband , and other creditours should but haue knowledge of him , the poore gentleman were vndone for euer .

FALL .

Aye me ! that he were .

MACI.

Now therefore , if you can thinke vpon any present meanes for his deliuerie , doe not forslow it . A bribe to the officer that committed him , will doe it .

FALL .

O god , sir , he shall not want for a bribe : pray you , will you commend me to him , and say I 'le visit him presently ?

MACI.

No , ladie , I shall doe you better seruice , in protracting your husbands returne , that you may goe with more safetie .

FALL .

Good truth , so you may : farewell , good sir. Lord , how a woman may be mistaken in a man ? I would haue sworne vpon all the testaments in the world , he had not lou'd master BRISKE . Bring me my keyes there , maide . Alasse , good gentleman , if all I haue i' this earthly world will pleasure him , it shall be at his seruice .

GREX. MIT .

How MACILENTE sweates i'th is busines , if you marke him .

COR.

I , you shall see the true picture of spight anon : here comes the pawne , and his redeemer .

Act V. Scene IX . DELIRO , FVNGOSO , DRAWERS ▪ MACILENTE .

COme , brother , be not discourag'd for this , man , what ?

FVNG.

No truly , I am not discourag'd , but I protest to you , brother , I haue done imitating any more gallants either in purse or apparell , but as shall become a gentleman , for good carriage , or so .

DELI .

You say well . This is all , i' the bill here ? is 't not ?

GEOR.

I , sir.

DELI .

There 's your monie , tell it : and brother , I am glad I met with so good occasion to shew my loue to you .

FVNG.

I will studie to deserue it in good truth , and I liue .

DELI .

What , is 't right ?

GEOR.

I , sir , and I thanke you .

FVNG.

Let me haue a capons legge sau'd , now the reckoning is paid .

GEOR.

You shall , sir.

MACI.

Where 's signior DELIRO ?

DELI .

Here , MACILENTE .

MACI.

Harke you , sir , ha' you dispatcht this same ?

DELI .

I marie haue I.

MACI.

Well then , I can tell you newes , BRISKE is i' the Counter .

DELI .

I' the Counter ?

MACI.

'T is true , sir , committed for the stirre here to night . Now would I haue you send your brother home afore , with the report of this your kindnesse done him , to his sister , which will so pleasingly possesse her , and out of his mouth too , that i' the meane time you may clap your action on BRISKE , and your wife ( being in so happie a moode ) cannot entertaine it ill , by any meanes .

DELI .

'T is verie true , she cannot indeed , I thinke .

MACI.

Thinke ? why 't is past thought , you shall neuer meet the like opportunitie , I assure you .

DELI .

I will doe it . Brother , pray you goe home afore , this gentleman , and I haue some priuate businesse ; and tell my sweet wife , I 'le come presently .

FVNG.

I will , brother .

MACI.

And , signior , acquaint your sister , how liberally and out of his bountie , your brother has vs'd you . ( Doe you see ? ) made you a man of good reckoning ; redeem'd that you neuer were possest of , credit ; gaue you as gentleman-like termes as might be ; found no fault with your comming behind the fashion ; nor nothing .

FVNG.

Nay , I am out of those humours now .

MACI.

Well , if you be out , keepe your distance , and be not made a shot-clog any more . Come , signior , let 's make haste .

Act V. Scene X. FALLACE , FAST . BRISKE .

O Master FASTIDIVS , what pitty is 't to see so sweet a man as you are , in so sowre a place ?

GREX. COR.

As vpon her lips , do's shee meane ?

MIT .

O , this is to be imagin'd the Counter , belike ?

FAST .

Troth , faire lady , 't is first the pleasure of the Fates , and next of the Constable , to haue it so : but , I am patient , and indeed comforted the more in your kind visitation .

FALL .

Nay , you shall bee comforted in mee , more then this , if you please , sir. I sent you word by my brother , sir , that my husband laid to rest you this morning , I know not whether you receiu'd it , or no.

FAST .

No , beleeue it , sweet creature , your brother gaue me no such intelligence .

FALL .

O , the lord !

FAST .

But has your husband any such purpose ?

FALL .

O sweet master BRISKE , yes : and therefore be presently discharg'd , for if he come with his actions vpon you ( lord deliuer you ) you are in for one halfe a score yeere ; he kept a poore man in Ludgate once , twelue yeere , for sixteene shillings . Where 's your keeper ? for loues sake call him , let him take a bribe , and dispatch you . Lord , how my heart trembles ! here are no spies ? are there ?

FAST .

No , sweet mistris , why are you in this passion ?

FALL .

O lord , Master FASTIDIVS , if you knew how I tooke vp my husband to day , when hee said hee would arrest you ; and how I rail'd at him that perswaded him to 't , the scholer there , ( who on my conscience loues you now ) and what care I tooke to send you intelligence by my brother ; and how I gaue him foure soueraignes for his paines ; and now , how I came running out hither without man or boy with me , so soone as I heard on 't ; you 'ld say , I were in a passion indeed : your keeper , for gods sake . O , Master BRISKE ( as 't is in EVPHVES ) Hard is the choise , when one is compelled either by silence to die with griefe , or by speaking to liue with shame .

FAST .

Faire lady , I conceiue you , and may this kisse assure you , that where aduersitie hath ( as it were ) contracted , prosperitie shall not — gods me ! your husband .

FALL .

O , me !

Act V. Scene XI . DELIRO , MACILENTE , FALLACE , FAST . BRISKE .

I ? is 't thus !

MACI.

Why , how now , signior DELIRO ? has the wolfe seene you ? ha ? hath GORGONS head made marble of you ?

DELI .

Some Planet strike me dead .

MACI.

Why , looke you ; sir , I told you , you might haue suspected this long afore , had you pleas'd ; and ha' sau'd this labour of admiration now , and passion , and such extremities as this fraile lumpe of flesh is subiect vnto . Nay , why doe you not dote now , signior ? Mee thinkes you should say it were some enchantment , deceptio visus , or so , ha ? if you could perswade your selfe it were a dreame now , 't were excellent : saith , trie what you can do , signior ; it may be your imagination will be brought to it in time , there 's nothing impossible .

FALL .

Sweet husband :

DELI .

Out lasciuious strumpet .

MACI.

What ? did you see , how ill that stale veine became him afore , of sweet wife , and deare heart ? and are you falne iust into the same now ? with sweet husband . Away , follow him , goe , keepe state , what ? Remember you are a woman , turne impudent : gi' him not the head , though you gi' him the hornes . Away . And yet mee thinkes you should take your leaue of Enfans-perdus here , your forlorne hope . How now , Monsieur BRISKE ? what ? friday night ? and in affliction too ? and yet your Pulpamenta ? your delicate morcels ? I perceiue , the affection of ladies and gentlewomen , pursues you wheresoeuer you goe , Monsieur .

FAST .

Now , in good faith ( and as I am gentle ) there could not haue come a thing , i' this world , to haue distracted me more , then the wrinckled fortunes of this poore spinster .

MACI.

O , yes , sir : I can tell you a thing will distract you much better , beleeue it . Signior DELIRO has entred three actions against you , three actions , Monsieur ; mary , one of them ( I 'le put you in comfort ) is but three thousand , and the other two , some fiue thousand a peece , trifles , trifles .

FAST .

O , I am vndone .

MACI.

Nay , not altogether so , sir , the knight must haue his hundred pound repai'd , that 'll helpe too , and then sixe-score pound for a diamond , you know where . These be things will weigh , Monsieur , they will weigh .

FAST .

O , heauen !

MACI.

What , doe you sigh ? this it is to kisse the hand of a countesse , to haue her coach sent for you , to hang poinards in ladies garters , to weare bracelets of their haire , and for euery one of these great fauours to giue some slight iewell of fiue hundred crownes , or so , why 't is nothing . Now , Monsieur , you see the plague that treads o' the heeles of your fopperie : well , goe your waies in , remoue your selfe to the two-penny ward quickly , to saue charges , and there set vp your rest to spend sir PVNTARS hundred pound for him . Away , good pomander , goe .

Why , here 's a change ! Now is my soule at peace . I am as emptie of all enuie now , As they of merit to be enuied at . My humour ( like a flame ) no longer lasts Then it hath stuffe to feed it , and their folly , Being now rak't vp in their repentant ashes , Affords no ampler subiect to my spleene . I am so farre from malicing their states , That I begin to pitty 'hem . It grieues me To thinke they haue a being . I could wish They might turne wise vpon it , and be sau'd now , So heauen were pleas'd : but let them vanish , vapors . Gentlemen , how like you it ? has 't not beene tedious ? GREX. COR.

Nay , we ha' done censuring , now .

MIT .

Yes , faith .

MAC.

How so ?

COR.

Mary , because wee 'le imitate your actors , and be out of our Humours . Besides , here are those ( round about you ) of more abilitie in censure then wee , whose iudgements can giue it a more satisfying allowance : wee 'le refer you to them .

MAC.

I ? is 't e'en so ? Wel , gentlemen , I should haue gone in , and return'd to you , as I was ASPER at the first : but ( by reason the shift would haue beene somewhat long , and we are loth to draw your patience farder ) wee 'le intreat you to imagine it . And now ( that you may see I will be out of humour for companie ) I stand wholly to your kind approbation , and ( indeed ) am nothing so peremptorie as I was in the beginning : Mary , I will not doe as PLAVTVS , in his Amphytrio , for all this ( Summi Ionis causa , Plaudite : ) begge a Plaudite , for gods sake ; but if you ( out of the bountie of your good liking ) will bestow it ; why , you may ( in time ) make leane MACILENTE as fat , as Sir IOHN FAL-STAFFE .

THE END .

Which , in the presentation before Queene E. was thus varyed , BY MACILENTE . NEuer till now did obiect greet mine eyes With any light content : but in her graces , All my malicious powers haue lost their stings . Enuie is fled my soule , at sight of her , And shee hath chac'd all black thoughts from my bosome , Like as the sunne doth darkenesse from the world . My streame of humour is runne out of me . And as our cities torrent ( bent t' infect The hallow'd bowels of the siluer Thames ) Is checkt by strength , and clearnesse of the riuer , Till it hath spent it selfe e'ene at the shore ; So , in the ample , and vnmeasur'd floud Of her perfections , are my passions drown'd : And I haue now a spirit as sweet , and cleere , As the most rarefi'd and subtile aire . With which , and with a heart as pure as fire , ( Yet humble as the earth ) doe I implore , O heauen , that shee ( whose presence hath effected This change in me ) may suffer most late change In her admir'd and happie gouernement : May still this Land be call'd fortunate , And rugged treason tremble at the sound When Fame shall speake it with an emphasis . Let forraine politie be dull as lead , And pale inuasion come with halfe a heart , When he but lookes vpon her blessed soile . The throat of warre be stopt within her land , And turtle-footed peace dance fayrie rings About her court : where , neuer may there come Suspect , or danger , but all trust , and safetie : Let flatterie be dumbe , and enuie blind In her dread presence : death himselfe admire her : And may her vertues make him to forget The vse of his ineuitable hand . Flie from her age ; Sleepe time before her throne , Our strongest wall falls downe , when shee is gone .

This Comicall Satyre was first acted in the yeere 1599.

By the then Lord Chamberlaine his Seruants .

The principall Comoedians were , RIC. BVRBADGE . AVG. PHILIPS . WIL. SLY . IOH. HEMINGS . HEN. CONDEL . THO. POPE .

With the allowance of the Master of REVELS .