Cynthia's Revels Jonson, Ben The text of this play is part of an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A04632 of text S112455 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 14752). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Madeline Burg Heejin Ro EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License 2015 A04632_03.xml The workes of Beniamin Ionson. Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. 441 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2003 January (TCP phase 1) 99847709 STC (2nd ed.) 14752. Greg, III, p. 1070-3. 12766 A04632 2240922515

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 The workes of Beniamin Ionson. Works. Vol. 1 Workes of Benjamin Jonson. Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. Hole, William, d. 1624, [12], 1015, [1] p. Printed by W: Stansby, and are to be sould by Rich: Meighen, London : An0 D. 1616. 1600

Mostly in verse.

The title page is engraved and signed "Guliel[mus] Hole fecit". The second state of the imprint (see The Library, ser. 6, 8:152-6).

The first leaf is blank.

The subsidiary plays each have separate dated title pages. Of these, "Every man out of his humour", "Cynthia's revels", and "Poetaster" have title pages in varying states; see Greg for details. Pagination and register are continuous.

A number of sheets exist in two different settings, and certain of these appear to be reprints done much later; see Greg and "Studies in Bibliography" 40:106-20.

A second volume was published without general title page in 1631.

Reproduction of the original in the British Library.

 A04632_03 shc Cynthia's Revels Jonson, Ben Madeline Burg Heejin Ro 1600 play comedy shc yes A04632 S112455 (STC 14752). 96 25692 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00 A This text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago Boston Public Library, PR2600 1616

CYNTHIAS REVELS , OR The Fountayne of selfe-Loue . A Comicall Satyre . Acted , in the yeere 1600 . By the then Children of Queene ELIZABETHS CHAPPEL .

The Author B. I.

MART. Nasutum volo , nolo polyposum .

LONDON , Printed by WILLIAM STANSBY .

M. DC. XVI. XVI.

TO THE SPECIALL FOVNTAINE OF MANNERS : The Court .

THou art a bountifull , and braue spring : and waterest all the noble plants of this Iland . In thee , the whole Kingdome dresseth it selfe , and is ambitious to vse thee as her glasse . Beware , then , thou render mens figures truly , and teach them no lesse to bate their deformities , then to loue their formes : For , to grace , there should come reuerence ; and no man can call that louely , which is not also venerable . It is not pould'ring , perfuming , and euery day smelling of the taylor , that conuerteth to a beautiful obiect : but a mind , shining through any sute , which needes no false light either of riches , or honors to helpe it . Such shalt thou find some here , euen in the raigne of CYNTHIA ( a CRITES , and an ARETE . ) Now , vnder thy PHOEBVS , it will be thy prouince to make more : Except thou desirest to haue thy source mixe with the Spring of selfe-Loue , and so wilt draw vpon thee as welcome a discouery of thy dayes , as was then made of her nights .

Thy seruant , but not slaue , BEN IONSON .
The Persons of the Play . CYNTHIA . MERCVRY . HESPERVS . CRITES . AMORPHVS . ASOTVS . HEDON . ANAIDES . MORPHIDES . PROSAITES . MORVS . CVPID . ECHO . ARETE . PHANTASTE . ARGVRION . PHILAVTIA . MORIA . COS. GELAIA . PHRONESIS . Mutes . THAVMA . Mutes . TIME . Mutes .

THE SCENE . GARGAPHIE .

CYNTHIAS REVELS
After the second sounding . INDVCTION . BY THREE OF THE CHILDREN .

PRay you away ; why fellowes ? Gods so ? what doe you meane ?

2.

Mary that you shall not speake the Prologue , sir .

3.

Why ? doe you hope to speake it ?

2.

I , and I thinke I haue most right to it : I am sure I studied it first .

3.

That 's all one , if the Authour thinke I can speake it better .

1.

I pleade possession of the cloake : Gentles , your suffrages I pray you .

Why Children are you not asham'd ? Within . come in there .

3.

Slid , I 'le play nothing i' the Play : vnlesse I speake it .

1.

Why , will you stand to most voices of the gentlemen ! let that decide it .

3.

O no , sir gallant ; you presume to haue the start of vs there , and that makes you offer so prodigally .

1.

No , would I were whipt , if I had any such thought : trie it by lots either .

2.

Faith , I dare tempt my fortune in a greater venter then this .

3.

Well said , resolute Iacke , I am content too : so wee draw first . Make the cuts .

1.

But will you not snatch my cloake , while I am stooping ?

3.

No , we scorne treacherie .

2.

Which cut shall speake it ?

3.

The shortest .

1.

Agreed .

Draw .

The shortest is come to the shortest . Fortune was not altogether blind in this . Now , sir , I hope I shall goe forward without your enuie .

2.

A spite of all mischieuous lucke ! I was once plucking at the other .

3.

Stay , Iacke : Slid , I 'le doe somewhat now afore I goe in , though it be nothing but to reuenge my selfe on the Authour : since I speake not his Prologue . I le goe tell all the argument of his play aforehand , and so stale his inuention to the auditorie before it come forth .

1.

At the breaches in this speech following , the other two interrupt him , still . O , doe not so .

2.

By no meanes .

3.

First , the title of his play is CYNTHIAS Reuels , as any man ( that hath hope to bee saued by his booke ) can witnesse ; the Scene , GARGAPHIE : which I doe vehemently suspect for some fustian countrie , but let that vanish . Here , is the court of CYNTHIA , whither hee brings CVPID ( trauailing on foot ) resolu'd to turne page . By the way , CVPID meetes with MERCVRIE , ( as that 's a thing to be noted , take anie of our play-bookes without a CVPID , or a MERCVRY in it , and burne it for an heretique in Poetrie ) — Pray thee let me alone . MERCVRY , he ( in the nature of a conjurer ) raises vp ECCHO , who weepes ouer her loue , or Daffodill , NARCISSVS , a little ; sings ; curses the spring wherein the prettie foolish gentleman melted himselfe away : and ther 's an end of her . — Now I am to informe you , that CVPID , and MERCVRY doe both become pages . CVPID attends on PHILAVTIA , or selfe-Loue , a court-ladie MERCVRY followes HEDON , the voluptuous , and a courtier ; one that rankes himselfe euen with ANAIDES , or the impudent , a gallant , ( and that 's my part : ) one that keepes laughter , GELAIA the daughter of folly , ( a wench in boyes attire ) to waite on him — These , in the court , meet with AMORPHVS , or the deformed ; a trauailer that hath drunke of the fountaine , and there tels the wonders of the water . They presently dispatch away their pages with bottles to fetch of it , and themselues goe to visite the ladies . But I should haue told you — ( Looke , these emets put me out here ) that with this AMORPHVS , there comes along a citizens heire , ASOTVS , or the prodigall , who ( in imitation of the traueller , who hath the whetstone following him ) entertaines the begger , to be his attendant . — Now , the Nymphs who are mistresses to these gallants , are PHILAVTIA , selfe-Loue ; PHANTASTE , a light wittinesse ; ARGVRION monie ; and their Guardian , mother MORIA ; or mistresse folly . —

1.

Pray thee no more .

3.

There CVPID strikes monie in loue with the prodigall , makes her dote vpon him , giue him iewels , bracelets , carkenets , &c. all which ( hee most ingeniously departs withall ) to be made knowne to the other ladies and gallants ; and in the heat of this , increases his traine with the foole to follow him , aswell as the begger . — By this time , your begger begins to waite close , who is return'd with the rest of his fellow bottle-men . — There they all drinke , saue ARGVRION , who is falne into a sodaine apoplexie . —

1.

Stop his mouth .

3.

And then , there 's a retired scholler there , you would not wish a thing to be better contemn'd of a societie of gallants , then it is : and hee applies his seruice ( good gentleman ) to the ladie ARETE , or vertue , a poore Nymph of CYNTHIAS traine , that 's scarce able to buy her selfe a gowne , you shall see her play in a blacke robe anon : A creature , that ( I assure you ) is no lesse scorn'd , then himselfe . Where am I now ? at a stand ?

2.

Come , leaue at last , yet .

3.

O , the night is come , ( t' was somewhat darke , mee thought ) and CYNTHIA intends to come forth : ( That helps it a little yet . ) All the courtiers must prouide for reuels ; they conclude vpon a Masque , the deuice of which , is — ( what , will you rauish mee ? ) that each of these vices , being to appeare before CYNTHIA , would seeme other then indeed they are : and therefore assume the most neighbouring vertues as their masking habites . — ( I 'lde crie , a rape , but that you are children . )

2.

Come , wee 'le haue no more of this anticipation : to giue them the inuentorie of their cates aforehand , were the discipline of a tauerne , and not fitting this presence .

1.

Tut , this was but to shew vs the happinesse of his memorie . I thought at first , he would haue plaid the ignorant critique with euerie thing , along as he had gone , I expected some such deuice .

3.

O , you shall see me doe that , rarely , lend me thy cloake .

1.

Soft , sir , you 'le speake my Prologue in it .

3.

No , would I might neuer stirre then .

2.

Lend it him , lend it him .

1.

Well , you haue sworne .

3.

I haue . Now , sir , suppose I am one of your gentile auditors , that an come in ( hauing paid my monie at the doore , with much adoe ) and here I take my place , and sit downe : I haue my three sorts of tabacco in my pocket , my sight by me , and thus I beginne . By this light , I wonder that any man is so mad , At the breaches he takes his tabacco . to come to see these rascally Tits play here — They doe act like so manie wrens , or pismires — not the fift part of a good face amongst them all — And then their musicke is abominable — able to stretch a mans eares worse then tenne — pillories , and their ditties — most lamentable things , like the pittifull fellowes that make them — Poets . By this vapour , and 't were not for tabacco — I thinke — the verie stench of 'hem would poison mee , I should not dare to come in at their gates — A man were better visit fifteene jailes , — or a dozen or two of hospitals — then once aduenture to come neere them . How is 't ? Well ?

1.

Excellent : giue mee my cloake .

3.

Stay ; you shall see me doe another now : but a more sober , or better-gather'd gallant ; that is ( as it may bee thought ) some friend , or welwisher to the house : And here I enter .

1.

What ? vpon the stage , too ?

2.

Yes : and I step forth like one of the children , and aske you , Would you haue a stoole , sir ?

3.

A stoole , boy ?

2.

I , sir , if you le giue me six pence , I le fetch you one .

3.

For what I pray thee ? what shall I doe with it ?

2.

O lord , sir ! will you betraie your ignorance so much ? why throne your selfe in state on the stage , as other gentlemen vse , sir .

3.

Away , wagge , what , would'st thou make an implement of me ? Slid the boy takes me for a piece of perspectiue ( I hold my life ) or some silke cortaine , come to hang the stage here ! sir cracke , I am none of your fresh pictures , that vse to beautifie the decaied dead arras , in a publike theatre .

2.

T' is a signe , sir , you put not that confidence in your good clothes , and your better face , that a gentleman should doe , sir . But I pray you sir , let mee bee a suter to you , that you will quit our stage then , and take a place , the play is instantly to beginne .

3

Most willingly , my good wag : but I would speake with your Authour , where 's he ?

2.

Not this way , I assure you , sir : wee are not so officiously befriended by him , as to haue his presence in the tiring-house , to prompt vs aloud , stampe at the booke-holder , sweare for our properties , curse the poore tire-man , raile the musicke out of tune , and sweat for euerie veniall trespasse we commit , as some Authour would , if he had such fine engles as we . Well , t is but our hard fortune .

3.

Nay , cracke , be not dis-heartned .

2.

Not I , sir , but if you please to conferre with our Author , by atturney , you may , sir : our proper selfe here , stands for him .

3.

Troth , I haue no such serious affaire to negotiate with him , but what may verie safely bee turn'd vpon thy trust . It is in the generall behalfe of this faire societie here , that I am to speake , at least the more iudicious part of it , which seemes much distasted with the immodest and obscene writing of manie , in their playes . Besides , they could wish , your Poets would leaue to bee promoters of other mens iests , and to way-lay all the stale apothegmes , or olde bookes , they can heare of ( in print , or otherwise ) to farce their Scenes withall . That they would not so penuriously gleane wit , from euerie laundresse , or hackney-man , or deriue their best grace ( with seruile imitation ) from common stages , or obseruation of the companie they conuerse with ; as if their inuention liu'd wholy vpon another mans trencher . Againe , that feeding their friends with nothing of their owne , but what they haue twice or thrice cook'd , they should not want only giue out , how soone they had drest it ; nor how manie coaches came to carrie away the broken-meat , besides hobbie-horses , and foot-cloth nags .

2.

So , sir , this is all the reformation you seeke ?

3.

It is : doe not you thinke it necessarie to be practiz'd , my little wag ?

2.

Yes , where any such ill-habited custome is receiu'd .

3.

O ( I had almost forgot it too ) they say , the vmbrae , or ghosts of some three or foure playes , departed a dozen yeeres since , haue bin seene walking on your stage heere : take heed , boy , if your house bee haunted with such hob-goblins , t' will fright away all your spectators quickly .

2.

Good , sir , but what will you say now , if a Poet ( vntoucht with any breath of this disease ) find the tokens vpon you , that are of the auditorie ? As some one ciuet-wit among you , that knowes no other learning , then the price of satten and vellets ; nor other perfection , then the wearing of a neat sute ; and yet will censure as desperately as the most profess'd critique in the house : presuming , his clothes should beare him out in 't . Another ( whom it hath pleas'd nature to furnish with more beard , then braine ) prunes his mustaccio , lisps , and ( with some score of affected othes ) sweares downe all that sit about him ; That the old Hieronimo , ( as it was first acted ) was the onely best , and iudiciously pend play of Europe . A third great-bellied juggler talkes of twentie yeeres since , and when MONSIEVR was heere , and would enforce all wits to bee of that fashion , because his doublet is still so . A fourth miscals all by the name of fustian , that his grounded capacitie cannot aspire to . A fift , only shakes his bottle-head , and out of his corkie braine , squeezeth out a pittiful-learned face , and is silent .

3.

By my faith , Iacke , you haue put mee downe : I would I knew how to get off with any indifferent grace . Heere , take your cloke , and promise some satisfaction in your Prologue , or ( I 'le be sworne ) wee haue marr'd all .

2.

Tut , feare not , child , this wil neuer distaste a true sense : Be not out , and good enough . I would thou hadst some sugar-candied , to sweeten thy mouth .

The third sounding . PROLOGVE . IF gracious silence , sweet attention , Quicke sight , and quicker apprehension , ( The lights of iudgements throne ) shine any where ; Our doubtfull authour hopes this is their sphere . And therefore opens he himselfe to those ; To other weaker beames , his labours close : As loth to prostitute their virgin straine , To eu'rie vulgar , and adult'rate braine . In this alone , his MVSE her sweetnesse hath , Shee shunnes the print of any beaten path ; And proues new wayes to come to learned eares : Pied ignorance she neither loues , nor feares . Nor hunts she after popular applause , Or fomie praise , that drops from common iawes : The garland that she weares , their hands must twine , Who can both censure , vnderstand , define What merit is : Then cast those piercing raies , Round as a crowne , in stead of honour'd bayes , About his poesie ; which ( he knowes ) affoords Words , aboue action : matter , aboue words .
Act I. Scene I. CVPID , MERCVRIE .

WHo goes there ?

MER.

T is I , blind archer .

CVP.

Who ? MERCVRIE ?

MER.

I .

CVP.

Farewell .

MER.

Stay , CVPID .

CVP.

Not in your companie , HERMES , except your hands were riuetted at your backe .

MER.

Why so my little rower ?

CVP.

Because I know , you ha' not a finger , but is as long as my quiuer ( cousin MERCVRIE ) when you please to extend it .

MER.

Whence deriue you this speech , boy ?

CVP.

O! t is your best politie to be ignorant . You did neuer steale MARS his sword out of the sheath , you ? nor NEPTVNES trident ? nor APOLLOES how ? no , not you ? Alas , your palmes ( IVPITER knowes ) they are as tender as the foot of a foundred nagge , or a ladies face new mercuried , the 'ile touch nothing .

MER.

Goe too ( infant ) you 'le be daring still .

CVP.

Daring ? O IANVS ! what a word is there ? why , my light fether-heel'd couss' , what are you ? any more then my vncle IOVES pandar , a lacquey , that runnes on errands for him , and can whisper a light message to a loose wench with some round volubilitie , wait mannerly at a table with a trencher , and warble vpon a crowde a little , fill out nectar , when Ganimed 's away , one that sweeps the Gods drinking roome euery morning , and sets the cushions in order againe , which they threw one at anothers head ouer-night , can brush the carpets , call the stooles againe to their places , play the cryer of the court with an audible voice , and take state of a President vpon you at wrestlings , pleadings , negotiations , &c. Here 's the catalogue o' your imploiments now . O no , I erre , you haue the marshalling of all the ghosts too , that passe the stygian ferrie , and I suspect you for a share with the old sculler there , if the truth were known ; but let that scape . One other peculiar vertue you possesse , in lifting , or lieger-du-maine , ( which few of the house of heau'n haue else besides ) I must confesse . But ( mee thinkes ) that should not make you put that extreme distance twixt your selfe and others , that we should be said to ouerdare in speaking to your nimble deitie ? So HERCVLES might challenge prioritie of vs both , because he can throw the barre farther , or lift more ioyn'd stooles at the armes end , then we . If this might carry it , then wee who haue made the whole bodie of diuinitie tremble at the twang of our bow , and enforc'd SATVRNIVS himselfe to lay by his curl'd front , thunder , and three-fork'd fires , and put on a masking sute , too light for a reueller of eighteene , to be seene in —

MER.

How now ! my dancing braggart in decimo sexto ! charme your skipping tongue , or I 'le —

CVP.

What ? vse the vertue of your snakie tip-staffe there vpon vs ?

MER.

No , boy , but the smart vigor of my palme about your eares . You haue forgot since I tooke your heeles vp into aire ( on the very houre I was borne ) in sight of all the bench of deities , when the siluerroofe of the Olympian palace rung againe with applause of the fact .

CVP.

O no , I remember it freshly , and by a particular instance ; for my mother VENVS ( at the same time ) but stoopt to imbrace you , and ( to speake by metaphore ) you borrowed a girdle of hers , as you did IOVES scepter ( while hee was laughing ) and would haue done his thunder too , but that 't was too hot for your itching fingers .

MER.

T is well , sir .

CVP.

I heard , you but look't in at VULCANS forge the other day , and intreated a paire of his new tongs along with you , for companie : T is ioy on you ( yfaith ) that you will keepe your hook'd tallons in practice with any thing . Slight , now you are on earth , wee shall haue you filch spoones and candle-sticks , rather then faile : pray IOVE the perfum'd courtiers keepe their casting-bottles , pick-toothes , and shittle-cocks from you ; or our more ordinarie gallants their tabacco-boxes , for I am strangely iealous of your nailes .

MER.

Ne're trust me , CVPID , but you are turn'd a most acute gallant of late , the edge of my wit is cleere taken off with the fine and subtile stroke of your thin-ground tongue , you fight with too poinant a phrase , for me to deale with .

CVP.

O HERMES , your craft cannot make me confident . I know my owne steele to bee almost spent , and therefore intreate my peace with you , in time : you are too cunning for mee to incounter at length , and I thinke it my safest ward to close .

MER.

Well , for once , I 'le suffer you to winne vpon mee , wagge , but vse not these straines too often , they 'le stretch my patience . Whither might you march , now ?

CVP.

Faith ( to recouer thy good thoughts ) I 'le discouer my whole proiect . The Huntresse , and Queene of these groues , DIANA ( in regard of some black and enuious slanders hourely breath'd against her , for her diuine iustice on ACTEON , as shee pretends ) hath here in the vale of Gargaphy , proclaim'd a solemne reuells , which ( her god-head put off ) shee will descend to grace , with the full and royall expence of one of her cleerest moones : In which time , it shall bee lawfull for all sorts of ingenuous persons , to visit her palace , to court her NYMPHES , to exercise all varietie of generous and noble pastimes , as well to intimate how farre shee treads such malicious imputations beneath her , as also to shew how cleere her beauties are from the least wrinckle of austerity , they may be charg'd with .

MER.

But , what is all this to CVPID ?

CVP.

Here doe I meane to put off the title of a god , and take the habite of a page , in which disguise ( during the interim of these reuells ) I will get to follow some one of DIANAES maides , where ( if my bow hold , and my shafts flie but with halfe the willingnesse , and aime they are directed ) I doubt not , but I shall really redeeme the minutes I haue lost , by their so long and ouer-nice proscription of my deitie , from their court .

MER.

Pursue it ( diuine CVPID ) it will be rare .

CVP.

But will HERMES second me ?

MER.

I am now to put in act , an especiall designement from my father IOVE , but that perform'd , I am for any fresh action that offers it selfe .

CVP.

Well , then we part .

MER. Farewell , good wag . Now , to my charge , ECCHO , faire ECCHO , speake , T is MERCVRIE , that calls thee , sorrowfull Nymph , Salute me with thy repercussiue voice , That I may know what cauerne of the earth Containes thy ayrie spirit , how , or where I may direct my speech , that thou maist heare .
ACT I. Scene II. ECCHO , MERCVRIE .

HEre .

MER. So nigh ? ECC. I . MER. Know ( gentle soule ) then , I am sent from IOVE , Who ( pittying the sad burthen of thy woes , Still growing on thee , in thy want of wordes , To vent thy passion for NARCISSVS death ) Commands , that now ( after three thousand yeeres , Which haue beene exercis'd in IVNOES spight ) Thou take a corporall figure , and ascend , Enricht with vocall , and articulate power . Make haste , sad Nymph , thrice shall my winged rod Strike th' obsequious earth , to giue thee way . Arise , and speake thy sorrowes , ECCHO , rise , Here , by this fountayne , where thy loue did pine , Whose memorie liues fresh to vulgar fame , Shrin'd in this yellow flowre , that beares his name . ECC. His name reuiues , and lifts me vp from earth . O , which way shall I first conuert my selfe ? Or in what moode shall I assay to speake , That ( in a moment ) I may be deliuered Of the prodigious griefe I goe withall ? See , see , the mourning fount , whose springs weepe yet , Th' vntimely fate of that too beauteous boy , That trophaee of selfe-loue , and spoile of nature , Who ( now transform'd into this drouping flowre ) Hangs the repentant head , back from the streame , As if it wish'd , would I had neuer look'd In such a flattering mirrour . O NARCISSVS , Thou that wast once ( and yet art ) my NARCISSVS ; Had ECCHO but beene priuate with thy thoughts , Shee would haue dropt away her selfe in teares , Till shee had all turn'd water , that in her , ( As in a truer glasse ) thou mightst haue gaz'd , And seene thy beauties by more kind reflection : But selfe-loue neuer yet could looke on truth , But with bleard beames ; slicke flatterie and shee Are twin borne sisters , and so mixe their eyes , As if you seuer one , the other dies . Why did the gods giue thee a heau'nly forme , And earthy thoughts , to make thee proud of it ? Why , doe I aske ? T is now the knowne disease That beautie hath , to beare too deepe a sense Of her owne selfe-conceived excellence . O , hadst thou knowne the worth of heau'ns rich gift , Thou wouldst haue turn'd it to a truer vse , And not ( with staru'd , and couetous ignorance ) Pin'd in continuall eying that bright gem , The glance whereof to others had beene more , Then to thy famisht mind the wide worlds store : " So wretched is it to be meerely rich . Witnesse thy youths deare sweets , here spent vntasted , Like a faire taper , with his owne flame wasted . MER. ECCHO , be briefe , SATVRNIA is abroad , And if shee heare , shee le storme at IOVES high will . ECC. I will ( kind MERCVRIE ) be briefe as time . Vouchsafe me , I may doe him these last rites , But kisse his flowre , and sing some mourning straine Ouer his watrie hearse . MER. Thou dost obtaine . I were no sonne to IOVE , should I denie thee . Begin , and ( more to grace thy cunning voice ) The humorous aire shall mixe her solemne tunes , With thy sad words : strike musicque from the spheares , And with your golden raptures swell our eares . SONG . SLow , slow , fresh fount , keepe time with my salt teares ; Yet slower , yet , ô faintly gentle springs : List to the heauy part the musique beares , " Woe weepes out her diuision , when shee sings . Droupe hearbs , and flowres ; Fall griefe in showres ; " Our beauties are not ours : O , I could still ( Like melting snow vpon some craggie hill , ) drop , drop , drop , drop , Since natures pride is , now , a wither'd daffodill . MER. Now , ha' you done ? ECC. Done presently ( good HERMES ) bide a little , Suffer my thirstie eye to gaze a while , But e'ene to taste the place , and I am vanisht . MER. Forgoe thy vse , and libertie of tongue , And thou maist dwell on earth , and sport thee there . ECC. Here yong ACTEON fell , pursu'de , and torne By CYNTHIA'S wrath ( more eager , then his hounds ) And here , ( ay me , the place is fatall ) see The weeping NIOBE , translated hither From Phrygian mountaines : and by PHoeBE rear'd As the proud trophaee of her sharpe reuenge . MER. Nay , but heare . ECC. But here , O here , the Fountayne of selfe-Loue , In which LATONA , and her carelesse Nymphs , ( Regardles of my sorrowes ) bathe themselues In hourely pleasures . MER. Stint thy babling tongue ; Fond ECCHO , thou prophan'st the grace is done thee : So idle worldlings ( meerely made of voice ) Censure the powers aboue them . Come , away , IOVE calls thee hence , and his will brookes no stay . ECC. O , stay : I haue but one poore thought to clothe In ayrie garments , and then ( faith ) I goe . Henceforth , thou trecherous , and murthering spring , Be euer call'd the Fountayne of selfe-Loue : And with thy water let this curse remaine , ( As an inseparate plague ) that who but tastes A drop thereof , may , with the instant touch , Grow dotingly enamor'd on themselues . Now , HERMES , I haue finisht . MER. Then thy speech , Must here forsake thee , ECCHO , and thy voice ( As it was wont ) rebound but the last wordes . Farewell . ECC. Well . MER. Now , CVPID , I am for you , and your mirth , To make me light before I leaue the earth .
Act I. Scene III . AMORPHVS , ECCHO , MERCVRIE .

DEare sparke of beautie , make not so fast away .

ECC.

Away .

MER.

Stay , let me obserue this portent yet .

AMO.

I am neither your Minotaure , nor your Centaure , nor your Satyre , nor your Hyaena , nor your Babion , but your mere trauailer , beleeue me .

ECC.

Leaue me .

MER.

I guess'd it should bee some trauailing motion pursude ECCHO so .

AMO.

Know you from whom you flie ? or whence ?

ECC.

Hence .

AMO.

This is somewhat aboue strange ! a Nymph of her feature , and lineament , to be so preposterously rude ! well , I will but coole my selfe at yon' spring , and follow her .

MER.

Nay , then I am familiar with the issue : I 'le leaue you too .

AMO.

I am a Rhinoceros , if I had thought a creature of her symmetry , could haue dar'd so improportionable , and abrupt a digression . Liberall , and diuine fount , suffer my prophane hand to take of thy bounties . By the puritie of my taste , here is most ambrosiacke water ; I will sup of it againe . By thy fauour , sweet fount . See , the water ( a more running , subtile , and humorous Nymph then shee ) permits me to touch , and handle her . What should I inferre ? If my behauiours had beene of a cheape or customarie garbe ; my accent , or phrase vulgar ; my garments trite ; my countenance illiterate ; or vnpractiz'd in the encounter of a beautifull and braue-attir'd peece ; then I might ( with some change of colour ) haue suspected my faculties : but ( knowing my selfe an offence so sublimated , and refin'd by trauell ; of so studied , and well exercis'd a gesture ; so alone in fashion ; able to tender the face of any states-man liuing ; and to speake the mere extraction of language ; one that hath now made the sixth returne vpon venter ; and was your first that euer enricht his countrey with the true lawes of the duello ; whose optiques haue drunke the spirit of beautie , in some eight score and eighteen Princes courts , where I haue resided , and beene there fortunate in the amours of three hundred fortie and fiue ladies ( all nobly , if not princely descended ) whose names I haue in catalogue ; to conclude , in all so happy , as euen admiration her selfe doth seeme to fasten her kisses vpon me : Certes , I doe neither see , nor feele , nor taste , nor sauour the least steame , or fume of a reason , that should inuite this foolish fastidious Nymph , so peeuishly to abandon me . Well , let the memorie of her fleet into aire ; my thoughts and I am for this other element , water .

Act I. Scene IIII . CRITES , ASOTVS , AMORPHVS .

WHat ! the wel-dieted AMORPHVS become a water-drinker ? I see he meanes not to write verses then .

ASO.

No , CRITES ? why ?

CRI.

Because — Nec placere diu , nec viuere carmina possunt , quae scribuntur aquae potoribus .

AMO.

What say you to your HELICON ?

CRI.

O , the MVSES well ! that 's euer excepted .

AMO.

Sir , your MVSES haue no such water , I assure you ; your nectar , or the iuyce of your nepenthe is nothing to it ; t is aboue your metheglin , beleeue it .

ASO.

Metheglin ! what 's that , sir ? may I be so audacious to demand ?

AMO.

A kind of greeke wine I haue met with , sir , in my trauailes : it is the same that DEMOSTHENES vsually drunke , in the composure of all his exquisite , and mellifluous orations .

CRI.

That 's to be argued ( AMORPHVS ) if we may credit LVCIAN , who in his Eucomio Demosthenis affirmes , hee neuer drunke but water in any of his compositions .

AMO.

LVCIAN is absurd , he knew nothing : I will beleeue mine owne trauailes , before all the LVCIANS of Europe . He doth feed you with fittons , figments , and leasings .

CRI.

Indeed ( I thinke ) next a trauailer , he do's prettily well .

AMO.

I assure you it was wine , I haue tasted it , and from the hand of an Italian Antiquarie , who deriues it authentically from the Duke of Ferrara's bottles . How name you the gentleman you are in ranke with there , sir ?

CRI.

T is ASOTVS , sonne to the late deceas'd PHILARGYRVS the citizen .

AMO.

Was his father of any eminent place , or meanes ?

CRI.

He was to haue beene Praetor next yeere .

AMO.

Ha! A prettie formall yong gallant , in good sooth : pitty , he is not more gentilely propagated . Harke you , CRITES , you may say to him , what I am , if you please : though I affect not popularitie , yet I would be loth to stand out to any , whom you shall vouchsafe to call friend .

CRI.

Sir , I feare I may doe wrong to your sufficiencies in the reporting them , by forgetting or misplacing some one ; your selfe can best enforme him of your selfe , sir : except you had some catalogue , or list of your faculties readie drawne , which you would request mee to shew him , for you , and him to take notice of .

AMO.

This CRITES is sowre : I will thinke , sir .

CRI.

Doe so , sir . O heauen ! that any thing ( in the likenesse of man ) should suffer these rackt extremities , for the vttering of his sophisticate good parts .

ASO.

CRITES , I haue a sute to you ; but you must not denie mee : pray you make this gentleman and I friends .

CRI.

Friends ! Why ? is there any difference betweene you ?

ASO.

No , I meane acquaintance , to know one another .

CRI.

O , now I apprehend you ; your phrase was without me , before .

ASO.

In good faith , hee 's a most excellent rare man , I warrant him !

CRI.

Slight , they are mutually inamor'd by this time !

ASO.

Will you , sweet CRITES ?

CRI.

Yes , yes .

ASO.

Nay , but when ? you 'le defer it now , and forget it .

CRI.

Why , is 't a thing of such present necessitie , that it requires so violent a dispatch ?

ASO.

No , but ( would I might neuer stirre ) hee 's a most rauishing man ! good CRITES , you shall endeare me to you , in good faith-law .

CRI.

Well , your longing shall be satisfied , sir .

ASO.

And withall , you may tell him what my father was , and how well he left me , and that I am his heire .

CRI.

Leaue it to mee , I 'le forget none of your deare graces , I warrant you .

ASO.

Nay , I know you can better marshall these affaires then I can — O gods ! I 'de giue all the world ( if I had it ) for abundance of such acquaintance .

CRI.

What ridiculous circumstance might I deuise now , to bestow this reciprocall brace of butter-flies one vpon another ?

AMO.

Since I trode on this side the Alpes , I was not so frozen in my inuention . Let mee see : to accost him with some choice remnant of spanish , or italian ? that would indifferently expresse my languages now : mary then , if he should fall out to be ignorant , it were both hard , and harsh . How else ? step into some ragioni del stato , and so make my induction ? that were aboue him too ; and out of his element , I feare . Faine to haue seene him in Venice , or Padua ? or some face neere his in similitude ? t' is too pointed , and open . No , it must be a more queint , and collaterall deuice . As — stay : to frame some encomiastick speech vpon this our Metropolis , or the wise magistrates thereof , in which politique number , 't is ods , but his father fill'd vp a roome ? descend into a particular admiration of their iustice ; for the due measuring of coales , burning of cannes , and such like ? As also their religion , in pulling downe a superstitious crosse , and aduancing a VENVS , or PRIAPVS , in place of it ? ha ? 't will doe well . Or to talke of some hospitall , whose walls record his father a Benefactor ? or of so many buckets bestow'd on his parish church , in his life time , with his name at length ( for want of armes ) trickt vpon them ? Any of these ? Or to praise the cleannesse of the street , wherein hee dwelt ? or the prouident painting of his posts against hee should haue beene Praetor ? or ( leauing his parent ) come to some speciall ornament about himselfe , as his rapier , or some other of his accoutrements ? I haue it : Thanks , gracious MINERVA .

ASO.

Would I had but once spoke to him , and then — Hee comes to me .

AMO.

'T is a most curious , and neatly-wrought band , this same , as I haue scene , sir .

ASO.

O god , sir .

AMO.

You forgiue the humour of mine eye , in obseruing it .

CRI.

His eye waters after it , it seemes .

ASO.

O lord , sir , there needes no such apologie , I assure you .

CRI.

I am anticipated : they 'll make a solemne deed of gift of themselues , you shall see .

AMO.

Your ribband too do's most gracefully , in troth .

ASO.

T is the most gentile , and receiu'd weare now , sir .

AMO.

Beleeue mee , sir ( I speake it not to humour you ) I haue not seene a young gentleman ( generally ) put on his clothes , with more iudgement .

ASO.

O , t is your pleasure to say so , sir .

AMO.

No , as I am vertuous ( being altogether vn-trauel'd ) it strikes me into wonder .

ASO.

I doe purpose to trauaile , sir , at spring .

AMO.

I thinke I shall affect you , sir . This last speech of yours hath begun to make you deare to me .

ASO.

O god , sir . I would there were anything in mee , sir , that might appeare worthy the least worthinesse of your worth , sir . I protest , sir , I should endeuour to shew it , sir , with more then common regard , sir .

CRI.

O , here 's rare motley , sir .

AMO.

Both your desert , and your endeuours are plentifull , suspect them not : but your sweet disposition to trauaile ( I assure you ) hath made you another my-selfe in mine eye , and strooke mee inamor'd on your beauties .

ASO.

I would I were the fairest lady of France for your sake , sir , and yet I would trauaile too .

AMO.

O , you should digresse from your selfe else : for ( beleeue it ) your trauaile is your only thing that rectifies , or ( as the Italian saies ) vi rendi pronto all' attioni , makes you fit for action .

ASO.

I thinke it be great charge though , sir .

AMOR.

Charge ? why t is nothing for a gentleman that goes priuate , as your selfe , or so ; my intelligence shall quit my charge at all times . Good faith , this hat hath possest mine eye exceedingly ; t is so prettie , and fantastike : what ? is t a beauer ?

ASOT.

I , sir , I le assure you t is a beauer , it cost mee eight crownes but this morning .

AMOR.

After your French account ?

ASOT.

Yes , sir .

CRIT.

And so neere his head ? beshrow me , dangerous .

AMOR.

A verie prettie fashion ( beleeue me ) and a most nouel kind of trimme : your band is conceited too !

ASOT.

Sir , it is all at your seruice .

AMOR.

O , pardon me .

ASOT.

I beseech you , sir , if you please to weare it , you shall doe mee a most infinite grace .

CRIT.

Slight , will he be praisde out of his clothes ?

ASOT.

By heauen , sir , I doe not offer it you after the Italian manner ; I would you should conceiue so of me .

AMOR.

Sir , I shall feare to appeare rude in denying your courtesies , especially , being inuited by so proper a distinction : may I pray your name , sir ?

ASOT.

My name is ASOTVS , sir .

AMOR.

I take your loue ( gentle ASOTVS ) but let me winne you to receiue this , in exchange —

CRIT.

'Hart , they 'll change doublets anon .

AMOR.

And ( from this time ) esteeme your selfe , in the first ranke , of those few , whom I professe to loue . What make you in companie of this scholler , here ? I will bring you knowne to gallants , as ANAIDES of the ordinarie , HEDON the courtier , and others , whose societie shall render you grac'd , and respected : this is a triuiall fellow , too meane , too cheape , too course for you to conuerse with .

ASOT.

Slid , this is not worth a crowne , and mine cost mee eight but this morning .

CRIT.

I lookt when he would repent him , he ha's begunne to bee sad a good while .

AMOR.

Sir , shall I say to you for that hat ? be not so sad , be not so sad : it is are lique I could not so easily haue departed with , but as the hieroglyphicke of my affection ; you shall alter it to what forme you please , it will take any blocke ; I haue receiu'd it varied ( on record ) to the three thousandth time , and not so sew : It hath these vertues beside ; your head shall not ake vnder it ; nor your braine leaue you , without licence ; It will preserue your complexion to eternitie ; for no beame of the sunne ( should your weare it vnder Zona torrida ) hath power to approch it by two ells . It is proofe against thunder , and inchantment : and was giuen mee by a great man ( in Russia ) as an especiall-priz'd present ; and constantly affirm'd to bee the hat , that accompanied the politike VLYSSES , in his tedious , and ten yeeres trauels .

ASOT.

By IOVE , I will not depart withall , whosoeuer would giue me a million .

Act I. Scene V. COS , CRITICVS , AMORPHVS , ASOTVS , PROSAITES .

SAue you , sweet blouds : do's any of you want a creature , or a dependant ?

CRIT.

Beshrow me , a fine blunt slaue !

AMOR.

A page of good timber ? it will now bee my grace to entertaine him first , though I casheere him againe in priuate : how art thou cal'd ?

COS.

COS , sir , COS.

CRIT.

Cos ? How happily hath fortune furnisht him with a whetstone ?

AMOR.

I doe entertaine you , COS , conceale your qualitie till wee be priuate ; if your parts be worthie of me , I will countenance you ; if not , catechize you : gentles , shall we goe ?

ASOT.

Stay , sir ; I le but entertaine this other fellow , and then — I haue a great humour to taste of this water too , but I le come againe alone for that — marke the place . What 's your name , youth ?

PROS.

PROSAITES , sir .

ASOT.

PROSAITES ? A verie fine name , CRITES ? is t not ?

CRIT.

Yes , and a verie ancient , sir , the begger .

ASOT.

Follow me , good PROSAITES : Let 's talke .

CRIT. He will ranke euen with you ( er 't be long ) If you hold on your course . O vanitie , How are thy painted beauties doted on , By light , and emptie ideots ! how pursu'de With open and extended appetite ! How they doe sweate , and run themselues from breath , Rais'd on their toes , to catch thy ayrie formes , Still turning giddie , till they reele like drunkards , That buy the merrie madnesse of one houre , With the long irksomenesse of following time ! O how despisde and base a thing is a man , If he not striue t' erect his groueling thoughts Aboue the straine of flesh ! But how more cheape When , euen his best and vnderstanding part , ( The crowne , and strength of all his faculties ) Floates like a dead drown'd bodie , on the streame Of vulgar humour , mixt with commonst dregs ? I suffer for their guilt now , and my soule ( Like one that lookes on il-affected eyes ) Is hurt with meere intention on their follies : Why will I view them then ? my sense might aske me : Or is t a raritie , or some new obiect , That straines my strict obseruance to this point ? O would it were , therein I could affoord My spirit should draw a little neere to theirs , To gaze on nouelties : so vice were one . Tut , she is stale , ranke , foule , and were it not That those ( that woo her ) greet her with lockt eyes , ( In spight of all the impostures , paintings , drugs , Which her bawd custome dawbes her cheekes withall ) Shee would betray her loth'd and leprous face , And fright th' enamor'd dotards from themselues : But such is the peruersenesse of our nature , That if we once but fancie leuitie , ( How antike and ridiculous so ere It sute with vs ) yet will our muffled thought Choose rather not to see it , then auoide it : And if we can but banish our owne sense , We act our mimicke trickes with that free licence , That lust , that pleasure , that securitie , As if we practiz'd in a paste-boord case , And no one saw the motion , but the motion . Well , checke thy passion , lest it grow too lowd : " While fooles are pittied , they waxe fat , and proud .
Act II. Scene I. CVPID , MERCVRY .

WHy , this was most vnexpectedly followed ( by diuine delicate MERCVRY ) by the beard of IOVE , thou art a precious deitie .

MER.

Nay , CVPID , leaue to speake improperly , since wee are turn'd cracks , let 's studie to be like cracks ; practise their language , and behauiours , and not with a dead imitation : act freely , carelessely , and capriciously , as if our veines ranne with quick-siluer , and not vtter a phrase , but what shall come forth steept in the verie brine of conceipt , and sparkle like salt in fire .

CVP.

That 's not euerie ones happinesse ( HERMES ) though you can presume vpon the easinesse and dexteritie of your wit , you shall giue me leaue to be a little jealous of mine ; and not desperately to hazard it after your capring humour .

MER.

Nay , then , CVPID , I thinke wee must haue you hood-winkt againe , for you are growne too prouident , since your eyes were at libertie .

CVP.

Not so ( MERCVRY ) I am still blind CVPID to thee .

MER.

And what to the ladie Nymph you serue ?

CVP.

Troth , page , boy , and sirha : these are all my titles .

MER.

Then thou hast not altered thy name , with thy disguise ?

CVP.

O , no , that had beene supererogation , you shall neuer heare your courtier call but by one of these three .

MER.

Faith , then both our fortunes are the same .

CVP.

Why ? what parcell of man hast thou lighted on for a master ?

MER.

Such a one ( as before I begin to decipher him ) I dare not affirme to be any thing lesse then a courtier . So much hee is , during this open time of reuels , and would be longer , but that his meanes are to leaue him shortly after . His name is HEDON , a gallant wholy consecrated to his pleasures . —

CVP.

HEDON ? he vses much to my ladies chamber , I thinke .

MER.

How is she cal'd , and then I can shew thee ?

CVP.

Madame PHILAVTIA .

MER.

O I , he affects her verie particularly indeed . These are his graces . Hee doth ( besides me ) keepe a barber , and a monkie : Hee has a rich wrought wast-coat to entertaine his visitants in , with a cap almost sutable . His curtaines , and bedding are thought to bee his owne : his bathing-tub is not suspected . Hee loues to haue a fencer , a pedant , and a musician seene in his lodging a mornings .

CVP.

And not a poet ?

MER.

Fye no : himselfe is a rimer , and that 's a thought better then a poet . He is not lightly within to his mercer , no , though he come when he takes physicke , which is commonly after his play . He beates a tailour very well , but a stocking-seller admirably : and so consequently any one hee owes monie too , that dares not resist him . Hee neuer makes generall inuitement , but against the publishing of a new sute , marie then , you shall haue more drawne to his lodging , then come to the lanching of some three ships ; especially if he be furnish'd with supplies for the retyring of his old ward-robe from pawne : if not , he do's hire a stocke of apparell , and some fortie , or fiftie pound in gold , for that fore-noone to shew . He 's thought a verie necessarie perfume for the presence , and for that onely cause welcome thither : sixe millaners shops affoord you not the like sent . He courts ladies with how many great horse he hath rid that morning , or how oft he hath done the whole , or the halfe pommado in a seuen-night before : and sometime venters so farre vpon the vertue of his pomander , that he dares tell 'hem , how many shirts he has sweat at tennis that weeke , but wisely conceales so many dozen of bals hee is on the score . Here hee comes , that is all this .

Act II. Scene II. HEDON , MERCVRY , ANAIDES , GELAIA , CVPID .

BOy .

MER.

Sir .

HED.

Are any of the ladies in the presence ?

MER.

None yet , sir .

HED.

Giue me some gold , more .

ANA.

Is that thy boy , HEDON ?

HED.

I , what think'st thou of him ?

ANA.

S'hart , I l'd geld him ; I warrant he has the philosophers stone .

HED.

Well said , my good melancholy deuill : Sirrah , I haue deuisde one or two of the prettiest othes ( this morning in my bed ) as euer thou heard'st , to protest withall in the presence .

ANA.

Pray thee , let 's heare 'hem .

HED.

Soft , thou 'lt vse 'hem afore me .

ANA.

No ( dam' me then ) I haue more othes then I know how to vtter , by this ayre .

HED.

Faith , one is , by the tip of your eare , sweet ladie . Is' t not prettie , and gentile ?

ANA.

Yes , for the person 't is applyed to , a ladie . It should bee light , and —

HED.

Nay , the other is better , exceeds it much : the inuention is farder set too . By the white valley that lies betweene the Alpine hils of your bosome , I protest — &c.

ANA.

Well , you trauel'd for that , HEDON .

MER.

I , in a map , where his eyes were but blinde guides to his vnderstanding , it seemes .

HED.

And then I haue a salutation will nicke all , by this caper : hay !

ANA.

How is that ?

HED.

You know I call madame PHILAVTIA , my Honour ; and shee cals me her Ambition . Now , ( when I meet her in the presence anon ) I will come to her , and say , sweet Honour , I haue hitherto contented my sense with the lillies of your hand , but now I will taste the roses of your lip ; and ( withall ) kisse her : to which she cannot but blushingly answere , nay , now you are too ambitious . And then doe I reply ; I cannot bee too ambitious of honour , sweet ladie . Wil 't not be good ? ha ? ha ?

ANA.

O , assure your soule .

HED.

By heauen , I thinke 't will bee excellent , and a verie politike atchiuement of a kisse .

ANA.

I haue thought vpon one for MORIA , of a sodaine too , if it take .

HED.

What is 't , my deare inuention ?

ANA.

Mary , I will come to her , ( and shee alwayes weares a muffe , if you bee remembred ) and I will tell her , Madame , your whole selfe cannot but be perfectly wise : for your hands haue wit enough to keepe themselues warme .

HED.

Now , ( before IOVE ) admirable ! looke , thy page takes it too , by Phaebus , my sweet facetious rascall , I could eate water-gruell with thee a moneth , for this iest , my deare rogue .

ANA.

O , ( by HERCVLES ) 't is your onely dish , aboue all your potato's , or oyster-pyes in the world .

HED.

I haue ruminated vpon a most rare wish too , and the prophecie to it , but I le haue some friend to be the prophet ; as thus : I doe wish my selfe one of my mistresse Cioppini . Another demands , Why would he be one of his Mistresse Cioppini ? A third answeres , Because he would make her higher . A fourth shall say , That will make her proud . And a fifth shall conclude : Then doe I prophecie , pride will haue a fall , and he shall giue it her .

ANA.

I 'le be your prophet . By gods so , it will be most exquisite , thou art a fine inuentious Rogue , sirrah .

HED.

Nay , and I haue poesies for rings too , and riddles that they dreame not of .

ANA.

Tut , they 'll doe that , when they come to sleep on them time enough ; but were thy deuices neuer in the presence yet , HEDON ?

HED.

O , no , I disdaine that .

ANA.

T were good we went afore then , and brought them acquainted with the roome where they shall act , lest the stratagems of it put them out of countenance , when they should come forth .

CVR.

Is that a courtier too ?

MER.

Troth no ; he has two essentiall parts of the courtier , pride , and ignorance ; mary , the rest come somewhat after the ordinarie gallant . T is impudence it selfe , ANAIDES ; one , that speakes all that comes in his checkes , and will blush no more then a sackbut . Hee lightly occupies the iesters roome at the table , and keepes laughter GELAIA ( a wench in pages attire ) following him in place of a squire , whom he now and then tickles with some strange ridiculous stuffe , vtter'd ( as his land came to him ) by chance . He will censure or discourse of any thing , but as absurdly as you would wish . His fashion is not to take knowledge of him that is beneath him in clothes . Hee neuer drinkes below the salt . Hee do's naturally admire his wit , that weares gold-lace , or tissue . Stabs any man that speakes more contemptibly of the scholler then he . Hee is a great proficient in all the illiberall sciences , as cheating , drinking , swaggering , whoring , and such like : neuer kneeles but to pledge healths ; nor prayes but for a pipe of pudding tabacco . He wil blaspheme in his shirt . The othes which hee vomits at one supper , would maintaine a towne of garrison in good swearing a twelue-moneth . One other genuine qualitie he has , which crownes all these , and that is this : to a friend in want , hee will not depart with the waight of a soldred groat , lest the world might censure him prodigall , or report him a gull : mary , to his cockatrice or punquetto , halfe a dozen taffata gownes , or sattin kirtles , in a paire or two of moneths , why they are nothing .

CVR.

I commend him , he is one of my clients .

Act II. Scene III . AMORPHVS , ASOTVS , COS , PROSAITES , CVPID , MERCVRIE .

COme , sir . You are now within in regard of the presence , and see , the priuacie of this roome , how sweetly it offers it selfe to our retir'd intendments . Page , cast a vigilant , and enquiring eye about , that we be not rudely surpriz'd , by the approch of some ruder stranger .

COS.

I warrant you , sir . I 'le tell your when the wolfe enters , feare nothing .

MER.

O , what a masse of benefit shall we possesse , in being the inuisible spectators of this strange shew , now to be acted ?

AMO.

Plant your selfe there , sir : and obserue me . You shall now , as well be the ocular , as the eare-witnesse , how cleerly I can refell that paradox , or rather pseudodox , of those , which hold the face to be the index of the mind , which ( I assure you ) is not so , in any politique creature : for instance . I will now giue you the particular , and distinct face of euery your most noted species of persons , as your marchant , your scholer , your souldier , your lawyer , courtier , &c. and each of these so truly , as you would sweare , but that your eye shal see the variation of the lineament , it were my most proper , and genuine aspect . First , for your marchant , or citie-face , 't is thus , a dull , plodding face , still looking in a direct line , forward : there is no great matter in this face . Then haue you your students , or academique face , which is here , an honest , simple , and methodicall face : but somewhat more spread then the former . The third is your souldiers face , a menacing , and astounding face , that lookes broad , and bigge : the grace of this face consisteth much in a beard . The anti-face to this , is your lawyers face , a contracted , subtile , and intricate face , full of quirkes , and turnings , a labyrinthaean face , now angularly , now circularly , euery way aspected . Next is your statists face , a serious , solemne , and supercilious face , full of formall , and square grauitie , the eye ( for the most part ) deeply and artificially shadow'd : there is great iudgement required in the making of this face . But now , to come to your face of faces , or courtiers face , t is of three sorts , according to our subdiuision of a courtier , elementarie , practique , and theorique . Your courtier theorique , is hee , that hath arriu'd to his fardest , and doth now know the court , rather by speculation , then practice ; and this is his face : a fastidious and oblique face , that lookes , as it went with a vice , and were screw'd thus . Your courtier practike , is he , that is yet in his path , his course , his way , & hath not toucht the puntilio , or point of his hopes ; his face is here : a most promising , open , smooth , and ouer-flowing face , that seemes as it would runne , and powre it selfe into you . Somewhat a northerly face . Your courtier elementarie , is one but newly enter'd , or as it were in the alphabet , or vt-re-mi-fa-sol-la of courtship . Note well this face , for it is this you must practice .

ASO.

I le practice 'hem all , if you please , sir .

ANO.

I , hereafter you may : and it will not be altogether an vngratefull study . For , let your soule be assur'd of this ( in any ranke , or profession what-euer ) the more generall , or maior part of opinion goes with the face , and ( simply ) respects nothing else . Therefore , if that can be made exactly , curiously , exquisitely , thorowly , it is inough : But ( for the present ) you shall only apply your selfe to this face of the elementarie courtier , a light , reuelling , and protesting face , now blushing , now smiling , which you may helpe much with a wanton wagging of your head , thus , ( a feather will teach you ) or with kissing your finger that hath the ruby , or playing with some string of your band , which is a most quaint kind of melancholy besides : or ( if among ladies ) laughing lowd , and crying vp your owne wit , though perhaps borrow'd , it is not amisse . Where is your page ? call for your casting-bottle , and place your mirrour in your hat , as I told you : so . Come , looke not pale , obserue me , set your face , and enter .

MER.

O , for some excellent painter , to haue tane the copy of all these faces !

ASO.

PROSAITES .

AMO.

Fye , I premonisht you of that : In the court , boy , lacquay , or sirrah .

COS.

Master , Lupus in — O , t' is PROSAITES .

ASO.

Sirrha prepare my casting-bottle , I thinke I must be enforc'd to purchase me another page , you see how at hand COS waits , here .

MER.

So will he too , in time .

CVP.

What 's he , MERCVRIE ?

MER.

A notable smelt . One , that hath newly entertain'd the begger to follow him , but cannot get him to wait neere enough . T' is ASOTVS , the heire of PHILARGYRVS ; but first I 'le giue yee the others character , which may make his the cleerer . He that is with him , is AMORPHVS , a trauailer , one so made out of the mixture and shreds of formes , that himselfe is truly deform'd . He walkes most commonly with a cloue , or pick-tooth in his mouth , hee is the very mint of complement , all his behauiours are printed , his face is another volume of essayes ; and his beard an Aristarchus . He speakes all creame , skimd , and more affected then a dozen of waiting women . He is his owne promoter in euery place . The wife of the ordinarie giues him his diet , to maintaine her table in discourse , which ( indeed ) is a meere tyrannie ouer her other guests , for hee will vsurpe all the talke : ten constables are not so tedious . He is no great shifter , once a yeere his apparell is readie to reuolt . He doth vse much to arbitrate quarrels , and fights himselfe , exceeding well ( out at a window . ) He will lye cheaper then any begger , and lowder then most clockes : for which he is right properly accommodated to the whetstone , his page . The other gallant is his Zani , and doth most of these trickes after him ; sweates to imitate him in euery thing ( to a haire ) except a beard , which is not yet extant . He doth learne to make strange sauces , to eat aenchouies , maccaroni , bouoli , fagioli , and cauiare , because hee loues 'hem ; speakes as hee speakes , lookes , walkes , goes so in clothes , and fashion : is in all , as if he were moulded of him . Mary ( before they met ) he had other verie prettie sufficiencies , which yet he retaines some light impression of : as frequenting a dancing schoole , and grieuously torturing strangers , with inquisition after his grace in his galliard . He buyes a fresh acquaintance at any rate . His eye and his rayment confer much together as he goes in the street . He treades nicely , like the fellow that walkes vpon ropes ; especially the first sunday of his silke-stockings : and when he is most neat , and new , you shall strip him with commendations .

CVP.

Here comes another .

MER.

I , but one of another straine , CVPID : This fellow weighs somewhat . Crites passeth by .

CVP.

His name , HERMES ?

MER.

CRITES . A creature of a most perfect and diuine temper . One , in whom the humours and elements are peaceably met , without emulation of precedencie : he is neyther to phantastikely melancholy , too slowly phlegmaticke , too lightly sanguine , or too rashly cholericke , but in all , so composde & order'd , as it is cleare , Nature went about some ful worke , she did more then make a man , when she made him . His discourse is like his behauiour , vncommon , but not vnpleasing ; hee is prodigall of neyther . Hee striues rather to bee that which men call iudicious , then to bee thought so : and is so truly learned , that he affects not to shew it . Hee will thinke , and speake his thought , both freely : but as distant from deprauing another mans merit , as proclaiming his owne . For his valour , t is such , that he dares as little to offer an iniurie , as receiue one . In summe , he hath a most ingenuous and sweet spirit , a sharp and season'd wit , a straight iudgment , and a strong mind . Fortune could neuer breake him , nor make him lesse . He counts it his pleasure , to despise pleasures , and is more delighted with good deeds , then goods . It is a competencie to him that hee can bee vertuous . He doth neyther couet nor feare ; hee hath too much reason to doe eyther : and that commends all things to him .

CVP.

Not better then MERCVRY commends him .

MER.

O , CVPID , t is beyond my deitie to giue him his due prayses : I could leaue my place in heauen , to liue among mortals , so I were sure to be no other then he .

CVP.

S'light , I beleeue he is your minion , you seeme to be so rauisht with him .

MER.

He 's one , I would not haue a wry thought darted against , willingly .

CVP.

No , but a straight shaft in his bosome , I le promise him , if I am CITHEREAS sonne .

MER.

Shall we goe , CVPID ?

CVP.

Stay , and see the ladies now : they 'll come presently . I le helpe to paint them .

MER.

What! lay colour vpon colour ? that affords but an ill blazon .

CVP.

Argurion passeth by . Here comes mettall to helpe it , the ladie ARGVRION .

MER.

Monie , monie .

CVP.

The same . A Nymph of a most wandring and giddy disposition , humorous as the aire , shee 'le runne from gallant to gallant ( as they sit at primero in the presence ) most strangely , and seldome stayes with any . Shee spreads as shee goes . To day you shall haue her looke as cleere and fresh as the morning , and to morrow as melancholike as mid-night . Shee takes speciall pleasure in a close obscure lodging , and , for that cause , visites the city so often , where shee has many secret true-concealing fauourites . When shee comes abroad , shee 's more loose and scattering then dust , and will flie from place to place , as shee were rapt with a whirle-winde . Your yong student ( for the most part ) shee affects not , only salutes him , and away : a poet , nor a philosopher , shee is hardly brought to take any notice of ; no , though he be some part of an alchemist . Shee loues a player well , and a lawyer infinitely : but your foole aboue all . Shee can doe much in court for the obtayning of any sute whatsoeuer , no doore but flies open to her , her presence is aboue a charme . The worst in her is want of keeping state , and too much descending into inferior and base offices , she 's for any coorse imployment you will put vpon her , as to be your procurer , or pandar .

MER.

Peace , CVPID , here comes more worke for you , another character or two .

Act II. Scene IIII . PHANTASTE , MORIA , PHILAVTIA , MERCVRIE , CVPID .

STay , sweet PHILAVTIA , I 'le but change my fanne , and goe presently .

MOR.

Now ( in very good serious ) ladies , I will haue this order reuerst , the presence must be better maintayn'd from you : a quarter past eleuen , and ne're a Nymph in prospectiue ? beshrew my hand , there must be a reform'd discipline . Is that your new ruffe , sweet lady-bird ? By my truth , 't is most intricately rare .

MER.

Good IOVE , what reuerend gentlewoman in yeeres might this be ?

CVP.

This , Madam MORIA , guardian of the Nymphs . One that is not now to be perswaded of her wit , shee will thinke her selfe wise against all the iudgements that come . A lady made all of voice , and aire , talkes any thing of any thing . Shee is like one of your ignorant Poetasters of the time , who when they haue got acquainted with a strange word , neuer rest till they haue wroong it in , though it loosen the whole fabricke of their sense .

MER.

That was pretty and sharply noted , CVPID .

CVP.

Shee will tell you , Philosophie was a fine reueller , when shee was yong , and a gallant , and that then ( though she say it ) she was thought to be the Dame-DIDO , and HELLEN of the court : As also , what a sweet dogge shee had this time foure yeeres , and how it was call'd Fortune , and that ( if the fates had not cut his thred ) he had beene a dogge to haue giuen entertainement to any gallant in this kingdome : and , vnlesse shee had whelpt it her selfe , shee could not haue lou'd a thing better i'th is world .

MER.

O , I pray thee no more , I am full of her .

CVP.

Yes ( I must needes tell you ) shee composes a sack-posset well ; and would court a yong page sweetly , but that her breath is against it .

MER.

Now , her breath ( or something more strong ) protect mee from her : th' other , th' other , CVPID .

CVP.

O , that 's my lady and mistris , Madam PHILAVTIA . Shee admires not her selfe for any one particularity , but for all : shee is faire , and shee knowes it : shee has a pretty light wit too , and shee knowes it : shee can dance , and shee knowes that too : play at shittle-cock , and that too : no quality shee has , but shee shall take a very particular knowledge of , and most lady-like commend it to you . You shall haue her at any time reade you the historie of her selfe , and very subtilly runne ouer another ladies sufficiencies , to come to her owne . Shee has a good superficiall iudgement in painting ; and would seeme to haue so in poetry . A most compleat lady in the opinion of some three , beside her-selfe .

PHI.

Faith , how lik'd you my quippe to HEDON , about the garter ? was 't not witty ?

MOR.

Exceeding witty and integrate : you did so aggrauate the iest withall .

PHI.

And did I not dance mouingly the last night ?

MOR.

Mouingly ? out of measure ( in troth ) sweet charge .

MER.

A happy commendation , to dance out of measure .

MOR.

Saue only you wanted the swim i' the turne : Ô ! when I was at fourteene —

PHI.

Nay , that 's mine owne from any Nymph in the court ( I am sure on 't ) therefore you mistake me in that , Guardian : both the swimme and the trip , are properly mine , euery body will affirme it , that has any iudgement in dancing : I assure you .

PHA.

Come now , PHILAVTIA , I am for you , shall we goe ?

PHI.

I , good PHANTASTE : What! haue you chang'd your head-tire ?

PHA.

Yes faith , th' other was so neere the common : it had no extraordinary grace ; besides , I had worne it almost a day , in good troth .

PHI.

I 'le bee sworne , this is most excellent for the deuice , and rare . 'T is after the italian print , we look'd on t'other night .

PHA.

'T is so : By this fanne , I cannot abide any thing that sauours the poore ouer-worne cut , that has any kindred with it ; I must haue variety , I : this mixing in fashion I hate it worse , then to burne juniper in my chamber , I protest .

PHI.

And yet we cannot haue a new peculiar court-tire , but these retainers will haue it ; these Suburbe-sunday-waiters ; these courtiers for high dayes ; I know not what I should call 'hem —

PHA.

O , I , they doe most pittifully imitate , but I haue a tire a comming ( yfaith ) shall —

MOR.

In good certaine , Madam , it makes you looke most heauenly ; but ( lay your hand on your heart ) you neuer skin'd a new beautie more prosperously in your life , nor more metaphysically : looke , good lady , sweet lady , looke .

PHI.

T is very cleere , and well , beleeue me . But if you had seene mine yesterday , when t' was yong , you would haue — who 's your Doctor , PHANTASTE ?

PHA.

Nay , that 's counsell , PHILAVTIA , you shall pardon mee : yet ( I 'le assure you ) hee 's the most daintie , sweet , absolute rare man of the whole colledge . O! his very lookes , his discourse , his behauiour , all hee doo's is physicke , I protest .

PHI.

For heauens sake , his name ; good , deare PHANTASTE —

PHA.

No , no , no , no , no , no , ( beleeue me ) not for a million of heauens : I will not make him cheape . Fie —

CVP.

There is a Nymph too , of a most curious and elaborate straine , light , all motion , an vbiquitarie , shee is euery where , PHANTASTE —

MER.

Her very name speakes her , let her passe . But are these ( CVPID ) the starres of CYNTHIAS court ? doe these Nymphs attend vpon DIANA ?

CVP.

They are in her court ( MERCVRIE ) but not as starres , these neuer come in the presence of CYNTHIA . The Nymphs that make her traine , are the diuine ARETE , TIME , PHRONESIS , THAVMA , and others of that high sort . These are priuately brought in by MORIA in this licentious time , against her knowledge : and ( like so many meteors ) will vanish , when shee appeares .

Act II. Scene V. PROSAITES , GELAIA , COS , MERCVRIE , CVPID . SONG . COme follow me , my wagges , and say as I say . There 's no riches but in ragges ; hey day , hey day . You that professe this arte , come away , come away , And helpe to beare a part . Hey day ; hey day , &c. MER.

What! those that were our fellow pages but now , so soone preferr'd to be yeomen of the bottles ? the mysterie , the mysterie , good wagges ?

CVP.

Some dyet-drinke , they haue the guard of .

PRO.

No , sir , we are going in quest of a strange fountayne , lately found out .

CVP.

By whom ?

COS.

My master , or the great discouerer , AMORPHVS .

MER.

Thou hast well intitled him , COS , for hee will discouer all hee knowes .

GEL.

I , and a little more too , when the spirit is vpon him .

PRO.

O , the good trauailing gentleman yonder has caus'd such a drought i' the presence , with reporting the wonders of this new water , that all the ladies , and gallants , lie languishing vpon the rushes , like so many pounded cattle i' the midst of haruest , sighing one to another , and gasping , as if each of them expected a cocke from the fountayne , to bee brought into his mouth : and ( without we returne quickly ) they are all ( as a youth would say ) no better then a few trowts cast a-shore , or a dish of eeles in a sand-bagge .

MER.

Well then , you were best dispatch , and haue a care of them . Come , CVPID , thou and I 'le goe peruse this drie wonder .

Act III. Scene I. AMORPHVS , ASOTVS .

SIt , let not this dis-countenance , or dis-gallant you a whit : you must not sinke vnder the first disaster . It is with your young grammaticall courtier , as with your neophyte-player , a thing vsuall to bee daunted at the first presence , or enter-view : you saw , there was HEDON , and ANAIDES , ( farre more practis'd gallants then your selfe ) who were both out , to comfort you . It is no disgrace , no more , then for your aduentrous reueller , to fall by some in-auspicious chance in his galliard , or for some subtile politique , to vnder-take the bastinado , that the state might thinke worthily of him , and respect him as a man well beaten to the world . What! hath your taylor prouided the propertie ( wee spake of ) at your chamber , or no ?

ASO.

I thinke he has .

AMO.

Nay ( I intreat you ) be not so flat , and melancholique . Erect your mind : you shall redeeme this with the courtship I will teach you against after-noone . Where eate you to day ?

ASO.

Where you please , sir , any where , I .

AMO.

Come , let vs goe and taste some light dinner , a dish of slic'd cauiare , or so , and after , you shall practise an houre at your lodging , some few formes that I haue recall'd . If you had but so farre gathered your spirits to you , as to haue taken vp a rush ( when you were out ) and wagg'd it thus , or clensd your teeth with it : or but turn'd aside , and fain'd some businesse to whisper with your page , till you had recouer'd your selfe , or but found some slight staine in your stocking , or any other prettie inuention ( so it had beene sodaine , ) you might haue come off with a most cleere , and courtly grace .

ASO.

A poyson of all , I thinke I was forespoke , I .

AMO.

No , I must tell you , you are not audacious inough , you must frequent ordinaries , a moneth more , to initiate your selfe : In which time , it will not bee amisse , if ( in priuate ) you keepe good your acquaintance with CRITES , or some other , of his poore coate ; visite his lodging secretly , and often : become an earnest suter to heare some of his labours .

ASO.

O IOVE ! sir , I could neuer get him to reade a line to me .

AMO.

You must then wisely mixe your selfe in ranke , with such , as you know can ; and , as your eares doe meet with a new phrase , or an acute jest , take it in : a quicke nimble memory will lift it away , and , at your next publique meale , it is your owne .

ASO.

But I shall neuer vtter it perfectly , sir .

AMO.

No matter , let it come lame . In ordinary talke you shall play it away , as you doe your light crownes at primero : It will passe .

ASO.

I shall attempt , sir .

AMO.

Doe . It is your shifting age for wit , and I assure you , men must bee prudent . After this , you may to court , and there fall in , first with the wayting-woman , then with the lady . Put case they doe retaine you there , as a fit property , to hire coaches some paire of months , or so ; or to read them asleep in afternoones vpon some pretty pamphlet , to breathe you ; why , it shall in time imbolden you to some farther archivement : In the interim , you may fashion your selfe to bee carelesse , and impudent . —

ASO.

How if they would haue me to make verses ? I heard Hedon spoke to for some .

AMO.

Why , you must prooue the aptitude of your Genius ; if you find none , you must harken out a veine , and buy : prouided you pay for the silence , as for the worke . Then you may securely call it your owne .

ASO.

Yes , and I 'le giue out my acquaintance with all the best writers , to countenance me the more .

AMO.

Rather seeme not to know 'hem , it is your best . I . Be wise , that you neuer so much as mention the name of one , nor remember it mention'd , but if they be offerd to you in discourse , shake your light head , make betweene a sad and a smiling face , pittie some , raile at all , and commend your selfe : 't is your onely safe , and vnsuspected course . Come , you shall looke back vpon the court againe to day , and be restor'd to your colours : I doe now partly aime at the cause of your repulse — ( which was omenous indeed ) for as you enter at the doore , there is oppos'd to you the frame of a woolfe in the hangings , which ( surprizing your eye sodainely ) gaue a false alarme to the heart ; and that was it call'd your bloud out of your face , and so rowted the whole ranke of your spirits : I beseech you labour to forget it . And remember ( as I inculcated to you before , for your comfort ) HEDON , and ANAIDES .

Act III. Scene II. HEDON , ANAIDES .

HArt , was there euer so prosperous an inuention thus vnluckily peruerted , and spoyl'd by a whore-sonne booke-worme , a candle-waster ?

ANA.

Nay , be not impatient , HEDON .

HED.

S'light , I would faine know his name .

ANA.

Hang him , poore grogran-rascall , pray thee thinke not of him : I 'le send for him to my lodging , and haue him blanketted when thou wilt , man .

HED.

By gods so ; I would thou could'st . Looke , here hee comes . Laugh at him , Crites passeth by . laugh at him , ha , ha , ha .

ANA.

Fough , he smels all lamp-oyle , with studying by candle-light .

HED.

How confidently he went by vs , and carelesly ! neuer moou'd ! nor stirr'd at any thing ! did you obserue him ?

ANA.

I , a poxe on him , let him goe , dormouse : he is in a dreame now . He has no other time to sleepe , but thus , when hee walkes abroad , to take the ayre .

HED.

Gods precious , this afflicts mee more then all the rest , that wee should so particularly direct our hate , and contempt against him , and hee to carrie it thus without wound , or passion ! 't is insufferable .

ANA.

S'lid , ( my deare enuie ) if thou but saist the word now , I le vndoe him eternally for thee .

HED.

How , sweet ANAIDES ?

ANA.

Mary halfe a score of vs get him in ( one night ) and make him pawne his wit for a supper .

HED.

Away , thou hast such vnseasonable jests . By this heauen , I wonder at nothing more then our gentlemen-vshers , that will suffer a piece of serge , or perpetuana , to come into the presence : mee thinkes they should ( out of their experience ) better distinguish the silken disposition of courtiers , then to let such terrible coorse ragges mixe with vs , able to fret any smooth or gentile societie to the threeds with their rubbing deuices .

ANA.

Vnlesse 't were Lent , Ember weekes , or Fasting dayes , when the place is most penuriously emptie of all other good outsides . Dam' mee , if I should aduenture on his companie once more , without a sute of buffe , to defend my wit ; he does nothing but stab the slaue : how mischieuously he cross'd thy deuice of the prophesie there ? And MORIA , shee comes without her muffe too , and there my inuention was lost .

HED.

Well , I am resolu'd what I le doe .

ANA.

What , my good spirituous sparke ?

HED.

Mary , speake all the venome I can of him ; and poyson his reputation in euery place , where I come .

ANA.

'Fore god , most courtly .

HED.

And if I chance to bee present where any question is made of his sufficiencies , or of any thing he hath done priuate , or publike , I le censure it slightly , and ridiculously . —

ANA.

At any hand beware of that , so thou maist draw thine owne iudgement in suspect . No , I le instruct thee what thou shalt doe , and by a safer meanes : Approue any thing thou hearest of his , to the receiu'd opinion of it ; but if it bee extraordinarie , giue it from him to some other , whom thou more particularly affect'st . That 's the way to plague him , and he shall neuer come to defend himselfe . S'lud , I le giue out , all he does is dictated from other men , and sweare it too ( if thou 'lt ha' mee ) and that I know the time , and place where he stole it , though my soule bee guiltie of no such thing ; and that I thinke , out of my heart , hee hates such barren shifts : yet to doe thee a pleasure , and him a disgrace , I 'le dam' my selfe , or doe any thing .

HED.

Gramercies , my deare deuill : wee le put it seriously in practice , yfaith .

Act III. Scene III . CRITES . DOe , good detraction , doe , and I the while Shall shake thy spight off with a carelesse smile . Poore pittious gallants ! What leane idle sleights Their thoughts suggest to flatter their staru'd hopes ? As if I knew not how to entertaine These straw-deuices : but , of force , must yeeld To the weake stroke of their calumnious tongues . What should I care what euery dor doth buzze In credulous cares ? it is a crowne to me , That the best iudgements can report me wrong'd ; Them lyars ; and their slanders impudent . Perhaps ( vpon the rumour of their speeches ) Some grieued friend will whisper to me , CRITES , Men speake ill of thee ; so they be ill men , If they spake worse , 't were better : for of such To be disprais'd , is the most perfect praise . What can his censure hurt me , whom the world Hath censur'd vile before me ? If good CHRESTVS , EVTHVS , or PHRONIMVS , had spoke the words , They would haue moou'd me , and I should haue call'd My thoughts , and actions , to a strict accompt Vpon the hearing : But when I remember , 'T is HEDON , and ANAIDES : alasse , then , I thinke but what they are , and am not stirr'd . The one , a light voluptuous reueller , The other a strange arrogating puffe , Both impudent , and ignorant inough ; That talke ( as they are wont ) not as I merit : Traduce by custome , as most dogges doe barke , Doe nothing out of judgement , but disease , Speake ill , because they neuer could speake well . And who 'ld be angry with this race of creatures ? What wise physician haue we euer seene Moou'd with a frantike man ? the same affects That he doth beare to his sicke patient , Should a right minde carrie to such as these : And I doe count it a most rare reuenge , That I can thus ( with such a sweet neglect ) Plucke from them all the pleasure of their malice . For that 's the marke of all their inginous drifts , To wound my patience , howsoe're they seeme To aime at other obiects : which if miss'd , Their enui 's like an arrow , shot vpright , That , in the fall , indangers their owne heads .
Act III. Scene IIII . ARETE , CRITES . WHat , CRITES ! where haue you drawne forth the day ? You haue not visited your jealous friends ? CRI. Where I haue seene ( most honour'd ARETE , ) The strangest pageant , fashion'd like a court , ( At least I dream't I saw it ) so diffus'd , So painted , pyed , and full of rainbow straines , As neuer yet ( eyther by time , or place ) Was made the food to my distasted sence : Nor can my weake imperfect memorie Now render halfe the formes vnto my tongue , That were conuolu'd within this thriftie roome . Here , stalkes me by a proud , and spangled sir , That lookes three hand-fuls higher then his fore-top ; Sauours himselfe alone , is onely kind And louing to himselfe : one that will speake More darke , and doubtfull then six oracles ; Salutes a friend , as if he had a stitch , Is his owne chronicle , and scarce can eat For registring himselfe : is waited on By mimiques , jesters , pandars , parasites , And other such like prodigies of men . He past , appeares some mincing marmoset Made all of clothes , and face ; his limbes so set As if they had some voluntarie act Without mans motion , and must mooue iust so In spite of their creation : one that weighes His breath betweene his teeth , and dares not smile Beyond a point , for feare t' vnstarch his looke ; Hath trauell'd to make legs , and seene the cringe Of seuerall courts , and courtiers ; knowes the time Of giuing titles , and of taking wals ; Hath read court-common-places ; made them his : Studied the grammar of state , and all the rules Each formall vsher in that politike schoole , Can teach a man . A third comes giuing nods To his repenting creditors , protests To weeping sutors , takes the comming gold Of insolent , and base ambition , That hourely rubs his dry , and itchie palmes : Which grip't , like burning coales , he hurles away Into the laps of bawdes , and buffons mouthes . With him there meets some subtle PROTEVS , one Can change , and varie with all formes he sees ; Be any thing but honest ; serues the time ; Houers betwixt two factions , and explores The drifts of both ; which ( with crosse face ) he beares To the diuided heads , and is receiu'd With mutuall grace of eyther : one that dares Doe deeds worthie the hurdle , or the wheele , To be thought some bodie ; and is ( in sooth ) Such as the Satyrist points truly forth , That onely to his crimes owes all his worth . ARE. You tell vs wonders , CRITES . CRI. This is nothing . There stands a Neophyte glazing of his face , Pruning his clothes , perfuming of his haire , Against his idoll enters ; and repeates ( Like an vnperfect prologue , at third musike ) His part of speeches , and confederate iests , In passion to himselfe . Another sweares His Scene of courtship ouer ; bids , beleeue him , Twentie times , ere they will ; anon , doth seeme As he would kisse away his hand in kindnesse ; Then walkes of melancholike , and stands wreath'd , As he were pinn'd vp to the arras , thus . A third is most in action , swimmes , and friskes , Playes with his mistresse pappes , salutes her pumps , Adores her hems , her skirts , her knots , her curles , Will spend his patrimonie for a garter , Or the least feather in her bounteous fanne . A fourth , he onely comes in for a mute : Diuides the act with a dumbe shew , and exit . Then must the ladies laugh , straight comes their Scene , A sixt times worse confusion then the rest . Where you shall heare one talke of this mans eye ; Another , of his lip ; a third , his nose ; A fourth commend his legge ; a fift his foot ; A sixt his hand ; and euery one a limme : That you would thinke the poore distorted gallant Must there expire . Then fall they in discourse Of tires , and fashions , how they must take place , Where they may kisse , and whom , when to sit downe , And with what grace to rise ; if they salute , What curt'sie they must vse : such cob-web stuffe , As would enforce the common'st sense abhorre Th' Arachnean workers . ARE. Patience , gentle CRITES . This knot of spiders will be soone dissolu'd , And all their webs swept out of CYNTHIAS court , When once her glorious deitie appeares , And but presents it selfe in her full light : Till when , goe in , and spend your houres with vs Your honour'd friends , TIME , and PHRONESIS , In contemplation of our goddesse name . Thinke on some sweet , and choice inuention , now , Worthie her serious , and illustrous eyes , That from the merit of it we may take Desir'd occasion to preferre your worth , And make your seruice knowne to CYNTHIA . It is the pride of ARETE to grace Her studious louers ; and ( in scorne of time , Enuie , and ignorance ) to lift their state Aboue a vulgar height . True happinesse Consists not in the multitude of friends , But in the worth , and choice . Nor would I haue Vertue a popular regard pursue : Let them be good that loue me , though but few . CRI. I kisse thy hands , diuinest ARETE , And vow my selfe to thee , and CYNTHIA .
Act III. Scene V. AMORPHVS , ASOTVS .

A Little more forward : So , sir . Now goe in , dis-cloke your selfe , and come forth . Taylor , bestow thy absence vpon vs ; and bee not prodigall of this secret , but to a deare customer . 'T is well entend , sir . Stay , you come on too fast ; your pase is too impetuous . Imagine this to be the palace of your pleasure , or place , where your lady is pleas'd to bee seene . First , you present your selfe , thus : and spying her , you fall off , and walke some two turnes ; in which time , it is to bee suppos'd , your passion hath sufficiently whited your face : then ( stifling a sigh or two , and closing your lips ) with a trembling boldnesse , and bold terrour , you aduance your selfe forward . Proue thus much , I pray you .

ASO.

Yes , sir , ( pray IOVE I can light on it ) Here , I come in , you say , and present my selfe ?

AMO.

Good .

ASO.

And then I spie her , and walke off ?

AMO.

Very good .

ASO.

Now , sir , I stifle , and aduance forward ?

AMO.

Trembling .

ASO.

Yes , sir , trembling : I shall doe it better when I come to it . And what must I speake now ?

AMO.

Mary , you shall say : Deare beautie , or , sweet honour ( or by what other title you please to remember her ) me thinkes you are melancholy . This is , if shee be alone now , and discompanied .

ASO.

Well , sir , I le enter againe ; her title shall be , My deare LINDABRIDES .

AMO.

LINDABRIDES ?

ASO.

I , sir , the Emperour ALICANDROES daughter , and the Prince MERIDIANS sister ( in the Knight of the Sunne ) shee should haue beene married to him , but that the Princesse CLARIDIANA —

AMO.

O , you betray your reading .

ASO.

Nay , sir , I haue read historie , I am a little humanitian . Interrupt me not , good sir . My deare LINDABRIDES , My deare LINDABRIDES , My deare LINDABRIDES , me thinkes you are melancholy .

AMO.

I , and take her by the rosie-finger'd hand .

ASO.

Must I so ? O , my deare LINDABRIDES , mee thinkes you are melancholy .

AMO.

Or thus , sir . All varietie of diuine pleasures , choice sports , sweet musique , rich fare , braue attire , soft beds , and silken thoughts attend this deare beautie .

ASO.

Beleeue mee , that 's pretty . All varietie of diuine pleasures , choice sports , sweet musique , rich fare , braue attires , soft beds , and silken thoughts , attend this deare beautie .

AMO.

And then , offring to kisse her hand , if shee shall coily recoile , and signifie your repulse ; you are to re-enforce your selfe , with , More then most faire ladie , let not the rigour of your iust disdaine thus coursly censure of your seruants zeale : and , withall , protest her , to be the onely , and absolute vnparalell'd creature you do adore and admire , and respect , and reuerence , in this court , corner of the world , or kingdome .

ASO.

This is hard , by my faith . I 'le begin it all , againe .

AMO.

Doe so , and I will act it for your ladie .

ASO.

Will you vouchsafe , sir ? All varietie of diuine pleasures , choice sports , sweet musique , rich fare , braue attire , soft beds , and silken thoughts attend this deare beautie .

AMO.

So , sir , pray you away .

ASO.

More then most faire ladie , let not the rigour of your iust disdaine , thus courtly censure of your seruants zeale , I protest , you are the onely , and absolute , vnapparelled —

AMO.

Vnparalelld .

ASO.

Vnparalelld creature , I doe adore , and admire , and respect , and reuerence , in this court , corner of the world , or kingdome .

AMO.

This is , if shee abide you . But now , put case shee should bee passant when you enter , as thus : you are to frame your gate thereafter , and call vpon her , Ladie , Nymph , Sweet refuge , Starre of our court . Then if shee be guardant , here : you are to come on , and ( laterally disposing your selfe ) sweare , by her blushing and well coloured cheeke , the bright die of her haire , her morie teeth ( though they be ebonie ) or some such white , and innocent oth , to induce you . If reguardant , then maintaine your station , briske , and irpe , shew the supple motion of your pliant bodie , but ( in chiefe ) of your knee , and hand , which cannot but arride her proud humour exceedingly .

ASO.

I conceiue you , sir , I shall performe all these things in good time , I doubt not , they doe so hit me .

AMO.

Well , sir , I am your ladie ; make vse of any of these beginnings , or some other out of your owne inuention : and proue , how you can hold vp , and follow it . Say , say .

ASO.

Yes , sir , my deare LINDABRIDES . —

AMO.

No , you affect that LINDABRIDES too much . And ( let mee tell you ) it is not so courtly . Your pedant should prouide you some parcells of french , or some pretty commoditie of italian to commence with , if you would be exoticke , and exquisite .

ASO.

Yes , sir , he was at my lodging t'other morning , I gaue him a doublet .

AMO.

Double your beneuolence , and giue him the hose too , clothe you his bodie , he will helpe to apparell your mind . But now , see what your proper GENIVS can performe alone , without adiection of any other MINERVA .

ASO.

I comprehend you , sir .

AMO.

I doe stand you , sir : fall backe to your first place . Good , passing well : Very properly pursude .

ASO.

Beautifull , ambiguous , and sufficient ladie , what ! are you all alone ?

AMO.

We would be , sir , if you would leaue vs .

ASO.

I am at your beauties appointment , bright angell ; but —

AMO.

What but ?

ASO.

No harme , more then most faire feature .

AMO.

That touch relished well .

ASO.

But , I protest —

AMO.

And why should you protest ?

ASO.

For good will ( deare esteem'd Madam ) and I hope , your ladiship will so conceiue of it : And will , in time , returne from your disdaine , And rue the suffrance of our friendly paine .

AMO.

O , that peece was excellent ! if you could picke out more of these play-particles , and ( as occasion shall salute you ) embroider , or damaske your discourse with them , perswade your soule , it would most iudiciously commend you . Come , this was a well discharg'd , and auspicious bout . Proue the second .

ASO.

Ladie , I cannot ruffle it in red and yellow .

AMO.

Why , if you can reuell it in white , sir , 't is sufficient .

ASO.

Say you so , sweet ladie ? Lan , tede , de , de , de , dant , dant , dant , dante , &c. No ( in good faith ) Madame , whosoeuer told your ladiship so , abusde you ; but I would be glad to meet your ladiship in a measure .

AMO.

Me , sir ? belike you measure me by your selfe , then ?

ASO.

Would I might , faire feature .

AMO.

And what were you the better , if you might ?

ASO.

The better it please you to aske , faire ladie .

AMO.

Why , this was rauishing , and most acutely continu'd . Well , spend not your humour too much , you haue now competently exercised your conceit : This ( once or twice a day ) will render you an accomplisht , elaborate , and well leuelled gallant . Conuey in your courting-stock , wee will ( in the heat of this ) goe visit the Nymphs chamber .

Act IIII. Scene I. PHANTASTE , PHILAVTIA , ARGVRION , MORIA , CVPID .

I Would this water would ariue once , our trauailing friend so commended to vs .

ARG.

So would I , for hee has left all vs in trauaile with expectation of it .

PHA.

Pray IOVE , I neuer rise from this couch , if euer I thirsted more for a thing , in my whole time of being a courtier .

PHI.

Nor I , I 'le be sworne : The very mention of it sets my lips in a worse heate , then if he had sprinkled them with MERCVRY . Reach me the glasse , sirrah .

CVP.

Here , ladie .

MOR.

They doe not peele , sweet Charge , doe they ?

PHI.

Yes , a little , Guardian .

MOR.

O , 't is an eminent good signe . Euer when my lips doe so , I am sure to haue some delicious good drinke , or other approching .

ARG.

Mary , and this may be good for vs ladies : for ( it seemes ) t is far-fet by their stay .

MOR.

My palate for yours ( deare Honor ) it shall proue most elegant , I warrant you : O , I doe fancy this geare that 's long a comming , with an unmeasurable straine .

PHA.

Pray thee sit downe , PHILAVTIA , that rebatu becomes thee singularly .

PHI.

Is' t not queint ?

PHA.

Yes faith . Me thinkes , thy seruant HEDON is nothing so obsequious to thee , as he was wont to be ; I know not how , hee 's growne out of his garbe a late , hee 's warpt .

MOR.

In trunesse , and so me thinkes too ; hee 's much conuerted .

PHI.

Tut , let him bee what hee will , 't is an animall I dreame not of . This tire ( me thinkes ) makes me looke very ingeniously , quick , and spirited , I should be some LAVRA , or some DELIA , me thinkes .

MOR.

As I am wise ( faire Honors ) that title shee gaue him , to bee her Ambition , spoild him : Before , hee was the most propitious and obseruant young nouice —

PHA.

No , no , you are the whole heauen awry , Guardian : 't is the swaggering coach-horse ANAIDES , drawes with him there , has beene the diuerter of him .

PHI.

For CVPIDS sake , speake no more of him ; would I might neuer dare to looke in a mirror againe , if I respect ere a marmaset of them al , otherwise , then I would a feather , or my shittle-cock , to make sport with , now and then .

PHA.

Come , sit downe ; troth ( and you be good Beauties ) let 's runne ouer 'hem all now : Which is the properst man amongst them ? I say , the trauailer , AMORPHVS .

PHI.

O , fie on him , he lookes like a venetian trumpetter , i' the battaile of Lepanto , in the gallerie yonder ; and speakes to the tune of a countrey ladie , that comes euer i' the rereward , or traine of a fashion .

MOR.

I should haue iudgement in a feature , sweet Beauties .

PHA.

A bodie would thinke so , at these yeeres .

MOR.

And I preferre another now , far before him , a million at least .

PHA.

Who might that be , Guardian ?

MOR.

Mary ( faire Charge ) ANAIDES .

PHA.

ANAIDES ! you talk't of a tune PHILAVTIA , there 's one speakes in a key : like the opening of some Iustices gate , or a poste-boies horne , as if his voice fear'd an arrest for some ill wordes it should giue , and were loth to come forth .

PHI.

I , and he has a very imperfect face .

PHA.

Like a sea-monster , that were to rauish ANDROMEDA from the rocke .

PHI.

His hand 's too great too , by at least a strawes breadth

PHA.

Nay , he has a worse fault then that , too .

PHI.

A long heele ?

PHA.

That were a fault in a ladie , rather then him : No , they say , hee puts off the calues of his legs , with his stockings , euery night .

PHI.

Out vpon him : turne to another of the pictures , for loues sake . What saies ARGVRION ? whom doo's shee commend , afore the rest ?

CVP.

I hope , I haue instructed her sufficiently for an answere .

MOR.

Troth , I made the motion to her ladiship for one to day , i' the presence , but it appear'd shee was other-waies furnisht before : Shee would none .

PHA.

Who was that , ARGVRION ?

MOR.

Mary , the poore plaine gentleman , i' the blacke , there .

PHA.

Who , CRITES ?

ARG.

I , I , he . A fellow , that no body so much as lookt vpon , or regarded , and shee would haue had me done him particular grace .

PHA.

That was a true tricke of your selfe , MORIA , to perswade ARGVRION , to affect the scholer .

ARG.

Tut , but shee shall be no chuser for me . In good faith , I like the citizens sonne there , ASOTVS , mee thinkes , none of them all come neere him .

PHA.

Not , HEDON ?

ARG.

HEDON , in troth no . HEDON'S a pretty slight courtier , and he weares his clothes well , and sometimes in fashion ; Mary , his face is but indifferent , and he has no such excellent body . No , th' other is a most delicate youth , a sweet face , a streight body , a well proportion'd legge and foot , a white hand , a tender voice .

PHI.

How now , ARGVRION ?

PHA.

O , you should haue let her alone , shee was bestowing a copy of him vpon vs . Such a nose were inough to make me loue a man , now .

PHI.

And then his seuerall colours he weares ; wherein he flourisheth changeably , euery day .

PHA.

O , but his short haire , and his narrow eyes !

PHI.

Why , shee dotes more palpably vpon him , then ere his father did vpon her .

PHA.

Beleeue mee , the young gentleman deserues it . If shee could dote more , 't were not amisse . Hee is an exceeding proper youth , and would haue made a most neate barber-surgeon , if hee had beene put to it in time .

PHI.

Say you so ? me thinkes , he lookes like a taylour alreadie .

PHA.

I , that had sayed on one of his customers sutes . His face is like a squeezed orange , or —

ARG.

Well , ladies , jest on : the best of you both would be glad of such a seruant .

MOR.

I , I 'le be sworne would they , though hee be a little shame-fac'd .

PHA.

Shame-fac'd , MORIA ! out vpon him . Your shame-fac'd seruant is your onely gull .

MOR.

Goe to , Beauties , make much of time , and place , and occasion , and opportunitie , and fauourites , and things that belong to 'hem , for I 'le ensure you , they will all relinquish ; they cannot indure aboue another yeere ; I know it out of future experience : and therefore take exhibition , and warning . I was once a reueller my selfe , and though I speak it ( as mine owne trumpet ) I was then esteem'd —

PHI.

The very march-pane of the court , I warrant you ?

PHA.

And all the gallants came about you like flies , did they not ?

MOR.

Goe to , they did somewhat , that 's no matter now .

PHA.

Nay , good MORIA , be not angrie . Put case , that wee foure now had the grant from IVNO , to wish our selues into what happie estate wee could ? what would you wish to be , MORIA ?

MOR.

Who I ? Let me see now . I would wish to be a wise woman , and know all the secrets of court , citie , and countrie . I would know what were done behind the arras , what vpon the staires , what i' the garden , what i' the Nymphs chamber , what by barge , & what by coach . I would tel you which courtier were scabbed , and which not ; which ladie had her owne face to lie with her a-nights , & which not ; who put off their teeth with their clothes in court , who their haire , who their complexion ; and in which boxe they put it . There should not a Nymph , or a widdow be got with childe i' the verge , but I would guesse ( within one or two , ) who was the right father : and in what moneth it was gotten ; with what words ; and which way . I would tell you , which Madame lou'd a Monsieur , which a player , which a page ; who slept with her husband , who with her friend , who with her gentleman-vsher , who with her horse-keeper , who with her monkie , and who with all . Yes , and who jigg'd the cocke too .

PHA.

Fye , you 'ld tell all ,

MORIA .

If I should wish now , it should bee to haue your tongue out . But what sayes PHILAVTIA ? who would she be ?

PHI.

Troth , the verie same I am . Onely I would wish my selfe a little more command , and soueraignetie ; that all the court were subiect to my absolute becke , and all things in it depending on my looke ; as if there were no other heauen , but in my smile , nor other hell , but in my frowne ; that I might send for any man I list , and haue his head cut off , when I haue done with him ; or made an eunuch , if he denyed mee : and if I saw a better face then mine owne , I might haue my doctor to poyson it . What would you wish , PHANTASTE ?

PHA.

Faith , I cannot ( readily ) tell you what ; But ( mee thinkes ) I should wish my selfe all manner of creatures . Now , I would bee an empresse ; and by and by a dutchesse ; then a great ladie of state ; then one of your miscelany madams ; then a waiting-woman ; then your cittizens wife ; then a course countrey gentlewoman ; then a deyrie maide ; then a shepheards lasse ; then an empresse againe , or the queene of fayries : And thus I would prooue the vicissitudes , and whirle of pleasures , about , and againe . As I were a shepheardesse , I would bee pip'd and sung too ; as a deyrie wench , I would dance at may-poles , and make sillabubbes ; As a countrey gentlewoman , keep a good house , and come vp to terme , to see motions ; As a cittizens wife , bee troubled with a iealous husband , and put to my shifts ; ( others miseries should bee my pleasures ) As a waiting-woman , I would taste my ladies delights to her ; As a miscellany madame inuent new tyres , and goe visite courtiers ; As a great ladie , lye a bed , and haue courtiers visite mee ; As a dutchesse , I would keepe my state : and as an empresse , I 'ld doe any thing . And , in all these shapes , I would euer bee follow'd with th' affections of all that see mee . Mary , I my selfe would affect none ; or if I did , it should not bee heartily , but so as I might saue my selfe in 'hem still , and take pride in tormenting the poore wretches . Or , ( now I thinke on 't ) I would , for one yeere , wish my selfe one woman , but the richest , fairest , and delicatest in a kingdome , the very center of wealth , and beautie , wherein all lines of loue should meet ; and in that person I would prooue all manner of suters , of all humours , and of all complexions , and neuer haue any two of a sort : I would see how Loue ( by the power of his object ) could worke inwardly alike , in a cholericke man , and a sanguine ; in a melancholique , and a phlegmatique ; in a foole , and a wise man ; in a clowne , and a courtier ; in a valiant man , and a coward : and how he could varie outward , by letting this gallant expresse himselfe in dumbe gaze ; another with sighing , and rubbing his fingers ; a third , with play-ends , and pittifull verses ; a fourth , with stabbing himselfe , and drinking healths , or writing languishing letters in his bloud ; a fifth , in colour'd ribbands , and good clothes ; with this lord to smile , and that lord to court , and the t'other lord to dote , and one lord to hang himselfe . And then , I to haue a booke made of all this , which I would call the booke of humours , and euery night reade a little piece , ere I slept , and laugh at it . Here comes HEDON .

Act IIII. Scene II. HEDON , ANAIDES , MERCVRIE , PHANTASTE , PHILAVTIA , MORIA , ARGVRION , CVPID .

SAue you , sweet and cleere beauties : By the spirit that moues in me , you are all most pleasingly bestow'd , ladies . Onely , I can take it for no good omen , to find mine Honor so deiected .

PHI.

You need not feare , sir , I did of purpose humble my selfe against your comming , to decline the pride of my ambition .

HED.

Faire Honor , Ambition dares not stoope ; but if it be your sweet pleasure , I shall lose that title , I will ( as I am HEDON ) apply my selfe to your bounties .

PHI.

That were the next way to distitle my selfe of honor . O , no , rather be still ambitious , I pray you .

HED.

I will be any thing that you please , whilst it pleaseth you to bee your selfe , ladie . Sweet PHANTASTE , deare MORIA , most beautifull ARGVRION —

ANA.

Farewell , HEDON .

HED.

ANAIDES , stay , whither goe you ?

ANA.

S'light , what should I doe here ? and you engrosse 'hem all for your owne vse , 't is time for me to seeke out .

HED.

I , engrosse 'hem ? Away , mischiefe , this is one of your extrauagantiests now , because I began to salute 'hem by their names —

ANA.

Faith , you might haue sparde vs Madame Prudence , the Guardian there , though you had more couetously aym'd at the rest .

HED.

S'heart , take 'hem all , man : what speake you to me of ayming , or couetous ?

ANA.

I , say you so ? nay , then , haue at 'hem : ladies , here 's one hath distinguish'd you by your names alreadie . It shall onely become me , to aske , How you doe ?

HED.

Gods so , was this the designe you trauaill'd with ?

PHA.

Who answeres the brazen head ? it spoke to some bodie .

ANA.

Lady Wisedome , doe you interpret for these puppets ?

MOR.

In truth , and sadnesse ( Honors ) you are in great offence for this , goe too : the gentleman ( I 'le vnder-take with him ) is a man of faire liuing , and able to maintaine a ladie in her two carroches a day , besides pages , munkeys , and parachitos , with such attendants as shee shall thinke meet for her turne , and therefore there is more respect requirable , howsoere you seeme to conniue . Harke you , sir , let mee discourse a sillable with you . I am to say to you , these ladies are not of that close , and open behauiour , as happily you may suspend ; their carriage is well knowne , to be such as it should be , both gentle and extraordinarie .

MOR.

O , here comes the other paire .

Act IIII. Scene III . AMORPHVS , ASOTVS , HEDON , ANAIDES , MERCVRIE , CVPID , PHANTASTE , PHILAVTIA , ARGVRION , MORIA .

THat was your fathers loue , the Nymph ARGVRION . I would haue you direct all your courtship thither , if you could but endeare your selfe to her affection , you were eternally en-gallanted .

ASO.

In truth , sir ? pray PHOEBVS I proue fauour-some in her faire eyes .

AMO.

All diuine mixture , and increase of beautie to this bright beuy of ladies ; and to the male-courtiers , complement , and courtesie .

HED.

In the behalfe of the males , I gratifie you , AMORPHVS .

PHA.

And I , of the females .

AMO.

Succinctly return'd . I doe vale to both your thankes , and kisse them : but primarily to yours , most ingenious , acute , and polite ladie .

PHI.

Gods my life , how hee doe's all to beequalifie her ! ingenious , acute , and polite ? as if there were not others in place as ingenious , acute , and polite , as shee .

HED.

Yes , but you must know , ladie , hee cannot speake out of a dictionarie method .

PHA.

Sit downe , sweet AMORPHVS : When will this water come , thinke you ?

AMO.

It cannot now be long , faire ladie .

CVP.

Now obserue , MERCVRY .

ASO.

How ? most ambiguous beautie ? loue you ? that I will by this hand-kercher .

MER.

S'lid , he drawes his othes out of his pocket .

ARG.

But , will you be constant ?

ASO.

Constant , Madam ? I will not say for constantnesse , but by this purse ( which I would be loth to sweare by , vnlesse 't were embroider'd ) I protest ( more then most faire ladie ) you are the onely , absolute , and vnparalelld creature , I doe adore , and admire , and respect , and reuerence in this court , corner of the world , or kingdome : Mee thinkes you are melancholy .

ARG.

Do's your heart speake all this ?

ASO.

Say you ? —

MER.

O , he is groping for another oth .

ASO.

Now , by this watch ( I made how forward the day is ) I doe vnfeignedly vow my selfe ( s'light 't is deeper then I tooke it , past fiue ) yours entirely addicted , Madame .

ARG.

I require no more , dearest ASOTVS , hence-forth let mee call you mine , and in remembrance of me , vouchsafe to weare this chaine , and this diamond .

ASO.

O god , sweet ladie !

CVP.

There are new othes for him : what ? doth HERMES taste no alteration , in all this ?

MER.

Yes , thou hast strooke ARGVRION inamour'd on ASOTVS , the thinkes .

CVP.

Alas , no ; I am no-body , I : I can doe nothing in this disguise .

MER.

But thou hast not wounded any of the rest , CVPID ?

CVP.

Not yet : it is enough that I haue begun so prosperously .

ARG.

Nay , these are nothing to the gems I will hourely bestow vpon thee : be but faithfull , and kind to me , and I will lade thee with my richest bounties : behold , here my bracelets , from mine armes .

ASO.

Not so , good ladie , By this diamond .

ARG.

Take 'hem , weare 'hem : my iewels , chaine of pearle , pendants , all I haue .

ASO.

Nay then , by this pearle , you make me a wanton .

CVP.

Shall not shee answere for this , to maintayne him thus in swearing ?

MER.

O , no , there is a way to weane him from this , the gentleman may be reclaim'd .

CVP.

I , if you had the ayring of his apparell , couss' , I thinke .

ASO.

Louing ? 't were pitty I should be liuing else , beleeue me . Saue you , sir . Saue you , sweet ladie . Saue you , Monsieur ANAIDES . Saue you , deare Madame .

ANA.

Do'st thou know him that saluted thee , HEDON ?

HED.

No , some idle FVNGOSO , that hath got aboue the cup-board , since yesterday .

ANA.

S'lud , I neuer saw him till this morning , and he salutes me as familiarly , as if we had knowne together , since the deluge , or the first yeere of Troy-action .

AMO.

A most right-handed , and auspicious encounter . Confine your selfe to your fortunes .

PHI.

For sports sake , let 's haue some riddles , or purposes ; hough .

PHA.

No faith , your prophecies are best , the t'other are stale .

PHI.

Prophecies ? we cannot all sit in at them ; wee shall make a confusion . No ; what calld you that we had in the fore-noone ?

PHA.

Substantiues , and Adiectiues . I st not HEDON ?

PHI.

I , that , who begins ?

PHA.

I haue thought ; speake your Adiectiues , sirs .

PHI.

But doe not you change , then ?

PHA.

Not I , who saies ?

MOR.

Odoriferous .

PHI.

Popular .

ARG.

Humble .

ANA.

White-liuer'd .

HED.

Barbarous .

AMO.

Pythagoricall .

HED.

Yours , Signior .

ASO.

What must I doe , sir ?

AMO.

Giue forth your Adiectiue , with the rest ; as , prosperous , good , faire , sweet , well —

HED.

Any thing , that hath not beene spoken .

ASO.

Yes , sir : well-spoken , shall be mine .

PHA.

What ? ha' you all done ?

ALL.

I. .

PHA.

Then the Substantiue is Breeches . Why odoriferous Breeches , Guardian ?

MOR.

Odoriferous , because odoriferous ; that which containes most varietie of sauour , and smell , we say is most odoriferous : now , Breeches I presume are incident to that varietie , and therefore odoriferous Breeches .

PHA.

Well , we must take it howsoeuer , who 's next ? PHILAVTIA .

PHI.

Popular .

PHA.

Why popular Breeches ?

PHI.

Mary , that is , when they are not content to be generally noted in court , but will presse forth on common stages , and brokers stalls , to the publique view of the world .

PHA.

Good : why humble Breeches ? ARGVRION .

ARG.

Humble , because they vse to be sate vpon ; besides , if you tie 'hem not vp , their propertie is to fall downe about your heeles .

MER.

Shee has worne the breeches , it seemes , which haue done so .

PHA.

But why white-liuer'd ?

ANA.

Why ? 'shart , are not their linings white ? besides , when they come in swaggering companie , and will pocket vp any thing , may they not properly be said to be white-liuer'd ?

PHA.

O , yes , wee must not denie it . And why barbarous , HE DON ?

HED.

Barbarous , because commonly , when you haue worne your breeches sufficiently , you giue them to your Barber .

AMO.

That 's good : but now Pythagoricall ?

PHA.

I , AMORPHVS . Why Pythagoricall Breeches ?

AMO.

O , most kindly of all , 't is a conceit of that fortune , I am bold to hug my braine for .

PHA.

How is t , exquisite AMORPHVS ?

AMO.

O , I am rapt with it , 't is so fit , so proper , so happy —

PHI.

Nay , doe not racke vs thus ?

AMO.

I neuer truly relisht my selfe , before . Giue me your eares . Bree ches Pythagoricall , by reason of their transmigration , into seuerall shapes .

MOR.

Most rare , in sweet troth . Mary , this young gentleman , for his well-spoken —

PHA.

I , why well-spoken Breeches ?

ASO.

Well-spoken ? mary well-spoken , because — whatsoeuer they speake , is well taken ; and whatsoeuer is well taken , is well-spoken .

MOR.

Excellent ! beleeue me .

ASO.

Not so , ladies , neither .

HED.

But why Breeches , now ?

PHA.

Breeches , quasi beare-riches ; when a gallant beares all his ri ches in his breeches :

AMO.

Most fortunately etymologiz'd .

PHA.

Nay , we haue another sport afore this , of A thing done , and Who did it , &c.

PHI.

I , good PHANTASTE , let 's haue that : Distribute the places .

PHA.

Why , I imagine , A thing done ; HEDON thinkes , Who did it ; MORIA , With what it was done ; ANAIDES , Where it was done ; ARGVRION , When it was done ; AMORPHVS , For what cause it was done ; you PHILAVTIA , What followed vpon the doing of it ; and this gentleman , Who would haue done it better . What ? is 't conceiu'd about ?

ALL.

Yes , yes .

PHA.

The speake you , sir . Who would haue done it better ?

ASO.

How ! do's it beginne at me ?

PHA.

Yes , sir : This play is cal'd the Crab , it goes backward .

ASO.

May I not name my selfe ?

PHA.

If you please , sir , and dare abide the venture of it .

ASO.

Then , I would haue done it better , what euer it is .

PHA.

No doubt on 't , sir : a good confidence . What followed vpon the act , PHILAVTIA ?

PHI.

A few heate drops , and a moneths mirth .

PHA.

For what cause , AMORPHVS ?

AMO.

For the delight of ladies .

PHA.

When , ARGVURION ?

ARG.

Last progresse .

PHA.

Where , ANAIDES ?

ANA.

Why , in a paire of pain'd slops .

PHA.

With what , MORIA ?

MOR.

With a glyster .

PHA.

Who , HEDON ?

HED.

A trauailer .

PHA.

Then , The thing done was , An oration was made . Rehearse . An oration was made .

HED.

By a trauailer .

MOR.

With a glyster .

ANA.

In a paire of pain'd slops ,

ARG.

Last progresse .

AMO.

For the delight of ladies .

PHI.

A few heat drops , and a moneths mirth followed .

PHA.

And , this silent gentleman would haue done it better .

ASO.

This was not so good , now .

PHI.

In good faith , these vnhappie pages would be whipt , for staying thus .

MOR.

Beshrew my hand , and my heart , else .

AMO.

I doe wonder at their protraction !

ANA.

Pray VENVS , my whore haue not discouer'd her selfe to the rascally hoyes , and that be the cause of their stay .

ASO.

I must sute my selfe with another page : this idle PROSAITES will neuer be brought to wait well .

MOR.

Sir , I haue a kinsman I could willingly wish to your seruice , if you would deigne to accept of him .

ASO.

And I shall bee glad ( most sweet ladie ) to imbrace him : where is hee ?

MOR.

I can fetch him , sir , but I would bee loth to make you turne away your other page .

ASO.

You shall not , most sufficient ladie , I will keepe both : pray you le ts goe see him .

ARG.

Whither goes my loue ?

ASO.

I le returne presently , I goe but to see a page , with this ladie .

ANA.

As sure as fate , 't is so ; shee has opened all : A poxe of all cockatrices . Dam'me , if she haue plai'd loose with me , I 'le cut her throat , within a haires breadth , so it may be heal'd againe .

MER.

What , is he jealous of his Hermaphrodite ?

CVP.

O , I , this will be excellent sport .

PHI.

PHANTASTE ! ARGVRION ! what ? you are sodainely strooke , me thinkes ! for loues sake let 's haue some musike , till they come . Ambition , reach the lyra , I pray you .

HED.

Any thing to which my Honour shall direct mee .

PHI.

Come , AMORPHVS , cheare vp PHANTASTE .

AMO.

It shall bee my pride , faire ladie , to attempt all that is in my power . But here is an instrument that ( alone ) is able to infuse soule in the most melancholique , and dull disposde creature vpon earth . O! let mee kisse thy faire knees . Beauteous eares attend it .

HED.

Will you haue the Kisse , Honour ?

PHI.

I , good Ambition .

SONG . O , That ioy so soone should waste ! or so sweet a blisse as a kisse , Might not for euer last ! So sugred , so melting , so soft , so delicious , The dew that lyes on roses , When the morne her selfe descloses , is not so precious . O , rather then I would it smother , Were I to taste such another ; It should bee my wishing That I might dye kissing . HED.

I made this dittie , and the note to it , vpon a kisse that my Honour gaue me ; how like you it , sir ?

AMO.

A prettie ayre , in generall , I like it well : but in particular , your long die-note did arride me most , but it was somwhat too long . I can shew one , almost of the same nature , but much before it and not so long , in a composition of mine owne . I thinke I haue both the note , and dittie about me .

HED.

Pray you , sir , see .

AMO.

Yes , there is the note ; and all the parts if I mis-thinke not . I will read the dittie to your beauties here , but first I am to make you familiar with the occasion , which presents it selfe thus . Vpon a time , going to take my leaue of the Emperour , and kisse his great hands ; there being then present , the kings of France , and Arragon , the dukes of Sauoy , Florence , Orbeance , Bourbon , Brunswicke , the Lantgraue , Count Palatine , all which had seuerally feasted me ; besides , infinite more of inferiour persons , as Counts and others it was my chance the Emperour detain'd by some exorbitant affaire ) to wait him the fift part of an houre , or much neere it . In which time ( retyring my selfe into a bay-window ) the beauteous ladie ANNABELL , neece to the Empresse , and sister to the King of Arragon , who hauing neuer before eyde mee , ( but only heard the common report of my vertue , learning , and trauaile ) fell into that extremitie of passion , for my loue , that shee there immediately swouned : physicians were sent for , she had to her chamber , so to her bed ; where ( languishing some few daies ) after many times calling vpon me , with my name in her lips , she expirde . As that ( I must mourningly say ) is the onely fault of my fortune , that , as it hath euer beene my hap to be sew'd to , by all ladies , and beauties , where I haue come , so , I neuer yet sojourn'd , or rested in that place , or part of the world , where some high-borne admirable faire feature died not for my loue .

MER.

O , the sweet power of trauaile ! are you guiltie of this , CVPID ?

CVP.

No , MERCVRIE , and that his page ( COS ) knowes , if he were here present to be sworne .

PHI.

But , how doth this draw on the dittie , sir ?

MER.

O , she is too quicke with him ; he hath not deuis'd that yet .

AMO.

Mary , some houre before she departed , she bequeath'd to mee this gloue ; which golden legacie , the Emperour himselfe tooke care to send after me , in sixe coaches , couer'd all with blacke vellet , attended by the state of his empire ; all which he freely presented mee with , and I reciprocally ( out of the same bountie ) gaue to the lords that brought it : only reseruing the gift of the deceas'd ladie , vpon which I composde this ode , and set it to my most affected instrument , the lyra .

SONG . THou more then most sweet gloue , Vnto my more sweet loue , Suffer me to store with kisses This emptie lodging , that now misses The pure rosie hand , that ware thee , Whiter then the kid , that bare thee . Thou art soft , but that was softer ; CVPIDS selfe hath kist it ofter , Then e're he did his mothers doues , Supposing her the Queene of loues , That was thy Mistresse , Best of gloues . MER.

Blasphemie , blasphemie , CVPID .

CVP.

I , I 'le reuenge it time inough ; HERMES .

PHI.

Good AMORPHVS , let 's heare it sing .

AMO.

I care not to admit that , since it pleaseth PHILAVTIA to request it .

HED.

Heere , sir .

AMO.

After he hath sung . Nay , play it , I pray you , you doe well , you doe well — How like you it , sir ?

HED.

Verie well in troth .

AMO.

But very well ? O , you are a meere mammothrept in judgement then . Why , doe you not obserue how excellently the dittie is affected in euerie place ? that I doe not marrie a word of short quantitie to a long note ? nor an ascending sillable to a descending tone ? Besides , vpon the word ( best ) there , you see how I doe enter with an odde minnum , and driue it thorow the briefe , which no intelligent Musician ( I know ) but wil affirme to be verie rare , extraordinarie , and pleasing .

MER.

And yet not fit to lament the death of a ladie , for all this .

CVP.

Tut , heere be they will swallow any thing .

PHA.

Pray you let me haue a coppie of it , AMORPHVS .

PHI.

And me too , in troth , I like it exceedingly .

AMO.

I haue denied it to princes , neuerthelesse to you ( the true female twinnes of perfection ) I am wonne , to depart withall .

HED.

I hope I shall haue my Honours coppie .

PHA.

Who is return'd from seeking his page . You are ambitious in that , HEDON .

AMO.

How now , ANAIDES ! what is it hath conjur'd vp this distemperature in the circle of your face ?

ANA.

S'lood , what haue you to doe ? A pox vpon your filthie trauailing face , hold your tongue .

HED.

Nay , doo'st heare , mischiefe ?

ANA.

Away , muske-cat .

AMO.

I say to thee , thou art rude , debauch't , impudent , coorse , impolisht , a frapler , and base .

HED.

Heart of my father , what a strange alteration has halfe a yeeres haunting of ordinaries wrought in this fellow ! that came with a tuff-taffeta ierkin to towne but the other day , and a paire of penilesse hose , and now he is turn'd HERCVLES , he wants but a club .

ANA.

Sir , you with the pencill on your chinne ; I will garter my hose with your guts , and that shall be all .

MER.

S'lid , what rare fireworkes be heere ? flash , flash .

PHA.

What 's the matter HEDON ? can you tell ?

HED.

Nothing , but that hee lackes crownes , and thinkes wee le lend him some , to be friends .

ASO.

Come , Asotus returnes with Moria , and Morus . sweet ladie , in good truth I 'le haue it , you shall not denie me . MORVS , perswade your aunt I may haue her picture , by any meanes .

MOR.

Yes , sir : good aunt now , let him haue it , hee will vse mee the better , if you loue me , doe , good aunt .

MOR.

Well , tell him , he shall haue it .

MOR.

Master , you shall haue it , she saies .

ASO.

Shall I ? thanke her , good page .

CVP.

What , has he entertain'd the foole ?

MER.

I , hee le wait close , you shall see , though the begger hang off , awhile .

MOR.

Aunt , my master thankes you .

MOR.

Call him hither .

MOR.

Yes , master

MOR.

Yes , in veritie , and gaue me this pursse , and he has promis'd me a most fine dogge ; which he will haue drawne , with my picture , he saies : and desires most vehemently to bee knowne to your ladiships .

PHA.

Call him hither , 't is good groping such a gull .

MOR.

Master ASOTVS , master ASOTVS .

ASO.

For loues sake , let me goe : you see , I am call'd to the ladies .

ARG.

Wilt thou forsake me then ?

ASO.

God so , what would you haue me doe ?

MOR.

Come hither , master ASOTVS . I doe ensure your ladiships , he is a gentleman of a verie worthie desert : and of a most bountifull nature . You must shew and insinuate your selfe responsible , and equiualent now to my commendment . Good Honors , grace him .

ASO.

I protest ( more then most faire ladies ) I doe wish all varietie of diuine pleasures , choice sports , sweet musique , rich fare , braue attire , soft beds , and silken thoughts attend these faire beauties . Will it please your ladiship to weare this chaine of pearle , and this diamond , for my sake ?

ARG.

O.

ASO.

And you , Madame , this iewell , and pendants .

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Wee know not how to deserue these bounties , out of so slight merit , ASOTVS .

PHI.

No , in faith , but there 's my gloue for a fauour .

PHA.

And soone , after the reuells , I will bestow a garter on you .

ASO.

O Lord , ladies ! it is more grace then euer I could haue hop'd , but that it pleaseth your ladiships to extend . I protest , it is enough , that you but take knowledge of my — if your ladiships want embroidered gownes , tires of any fashion , rebatu's , iewells , or carkanets , any thing whatsoeuer , if you vouchsafe to accept .

CVP.

And for it , they will helpe you to shooe-ties , and deuices .

ASO.

I cannot vtter my selfe ( deare beauties ) but , you can conceiue —

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Sir , we will acknowledge your seruice , doubt not : henceforth , you shall bee no more ASOTVS to vs , but our gold-finch , and wee your cages .

ASO.

O VENVS , Madams ! how shall I deserue this ? if I were but made acquainted with HEDON , now , I 'le trie : pray you away .

MER.

How he praies Money to goe away from him !

ASO.

AMORPHVS , a word with you : here 's a watch I would bestow vpon you , pray you make me knowne to that gallant .

AMO.

That I will , sir . Monsieur HEDON , I must intreat you to exchange knowledge with this gentleman .

HED.

'T is a thing ( next to the water we expect ) I thirst after , sir . Good Monsieur ASOTVS .

ASO.

Good Monsieur HEDON , I would be glad to be lou'd of men of your ranke , and spirit , I protest . Please you to accept this paire of bracelets , sir : they are not worth the bestowing —

MER.

O , HERCVLES , how the gentleman purchases ! this must needes bring ARGVRION to a consumption .

HED.

Sir , I shall neuer stand in the merit of such bountie , I feare .

ASO.

O , VENVS , sir ; your acquaintance shall bee sufficient . And if at any time you neede my bill , or my bond .

ARG.

Argurion swounes . O , Ô.

AMO.

Helpe the ladie there .

MOR.

Gods deare , ARGVRION ! Madame , how doe you ?

ARG.

Sicke .

PHA.

Haue her forth , and giue her aire .

ASO.

I come againe strait , ladies .

MER.

Well , I doubt , all the physique hee has will scarce recouer her : shee 's too farre spent .

Act IIII. Scene IIII . PHILAVTIA , GELAIA , ANAIDES , COS , PROSAITES , PHANTASTE , MORIA , AMORPHVS , HEDON .

O Here 's the water come : fetch glasses , page .

GEL.

Heart of my body , here 's a coile indeed , with your iealous humours . Nothing but whore , and bitch , and all the villanous swaggering names you can thinke on ? S'lid , take your bottle , and put it in your guts for me , I 'le see you poxt ere I follow you any longer .

ANA.

Nay , good punke , sweete rascall ; dam' mee , if I am iealous now .

GEL.

That 's true indeede : pray let 's goe .

MOR.

What 's the matter , there ?

GEL.

S'light , he has mee vpon intergatories , ( nay , my mother shall know how you vse me ) where I haue beene ? and , why I should stay so long ? and , how is t possible ? and withall , calls me at his pleasure , I know not how many cockatrices , and things .

MOR.

In truth and sadnesse , these are no good epitaphs , ANAIDES , to bestow vpon any gentlewoman ; and ( I le ensure you ) if I had knowne you would haue dealt thus with my daughter , she should neuer haue fancied you so deeply , as shee has done . Goe too .

ANA.

Why , doe you heare , mother MORIA . Heart !

MOR.

Nay , I pray you , sir , doe not sweare .

ANA.

Sweare ? why ? S'lood , I haue sworne afore now , I hope . Both you and your daughter mistake me . I haue not honor'd ARETE , that is held the worthiest ladie in court ( next to CYNTHIA ) with halfe that obseruance , and respect , as I haue done her in priuate , howsoeuer outwardly I haue carried my selfe carelesse , and negligent . Come , you are a foolish , punke , and know not when you are well imploi'd . Kisse me , come on . Doe it , I say .

MOR.

Nay , indeed I must confesse , shee is apt to misprision . But I must haue you leaue it , minion .

AMO.

How now , ASOTVS ? how do's the ladie ?

ASO.

Faith , ill . I haue left my page with her , at her lodging .

HED.

O , here 's the rarest water that euer was tasted : fill him some .

PRO.

What! has my master a new page ?

MER.

Yes , a kinsman of the ladie MORIAS : you must waite better now , or you are casheer'd , PROSAITES .

ANA.

Come , gallants , you must pardon my foolish humour : when I am angrie , that any thing crosses mee , I grow impatient straight . Here , I drinke to you .

PHI.

O , that we had fiue , or sixe bottles more of this liquor .

PHA.

Now I commend your iudgement , AMORPHVS , who 's that knockes ? Looke , page .

MOR.

O , most delicious , a little of this would make ARGVRION well .

PHA.

O , no , giue her no cold drinke , by any meanes .

ANA.

S'lood , this water is the spirit of wine , I 'le be hang'd else .

CVP.

Here 's the ladie ARETE , Madame .

Act IIII. Scene V. ARETE , MORIA , PHANTASTE , PHILAVTIA , ANAIDES , GELAIA , COS , PROSAITES , AMORPHVS , ASOTVS , HEDON , MERCVRIE , CVPID .

WHat ! at your beuer , gallants ?

MOR.

Wilt please your ladiship drinke ? t is of the new fountayne water .

ARE.

Not I , MORIA , I thanke you . Gallants , you are for this night free , to your peculiar delights ; CYNTHIA will haue no sports : when shee is pleas'd to come forth , you shall haue knowledge . In the meane time , I could wish you did prouide for solemne reuels , and some vnlook't-for deuice of wit , to entertaine her , against she should vouchsafe to grace your pastimes with her presence .

AMO.

What say you to a Masque ?

HED.

Nothing better , if the proiect were new , and rare .

ARE.

Why , I le send for CRITES , and haue his aduice ; be you ready in your indeauours : He shall discharge you of the inuentiue part .

PHA.

But , will not your ladiship stay ?

ARE.

Not now , PHANTASTE .

PHI.

Let her goe , I pray you , good ladie Sobrietie , I am glad wee are rid of her .

PHA.

What a set face the gentlewoman has , as shee were still going to a sacrifice ?

PHI.

O , shee is the extraction of a dozen of Puritans , for a looke .

MOR.

Of all Nymphs i' the court , I cannot away with her ; 't is the coursest thing —

PHI.

I wonder , how CYNTHIA can affect her so aboue the rest ! Here be they are euery way as faire as shee , and a thought fairer , I trow .

PHA.

I , and as ingenious , and conceited as shee .

MOR.

I , and as politique as shee , for all shee sets such a fore-head on 't .

PHI.

Would I were dead , if I would change to be CYNTHIA .

PHA.

Or I.

MOR.

Or I.

AMO.

And there 's her minion CRITES ! why his aduice more then AMORPHVS ? haue not I inuention , afore him ? Learning , to better that inuention , aboue him ? and infanted , with pleasant trauaile —

ANA.

Death , what talke you of his learning ? he vnderstands no more then a schoole-boy ; I haue put him downe my selfe a thousand times ( by this aire ) and yet I neuer talkt with him but twice , in my life : you neuer saw his like . I could neuer get him to argue with me , but once , and then , because I could not construe an Author I quoted at first sight , hee went away , and laught at me . By HERCVLES , I scorne him , as I doe the sod den Nymph , that was here e'en now , his mistris ARETE : And I loue my selfe for nothing else .

HED.

I wonder the fellow do's not hang himselfe , being thus scorn'd , and contemn'd of vs that are held the most accomplisht societie of gallants !

MER.

By your selues , none else .

HED.

I protest , if I had no musique in me , no courtship , that I were not a reueller and could dance , or had not those excellent qualities that giue a man life , and perfection , but a meere poore scholer as he is , I thinke I should make some desperate way with my selfe , whereas now ( would I might neuer breathe more ) if I doe know that creature in the kingdome , with whom I would change .

CVP.

This is excellent : well , I must alter all this soone .

MER.

Looke you doe , CVPID . The bottles haue wrought , it seemes .

ASO.

O , I am sorry the reuels are crost . I should ha' tickled it soone . I did neuer appeare till then . S'lid , I am the neatlyest-made gallant i' the companie , and haue the best presence ; and my dancing — well , I know what our vsher said to me , lasst time I was at the schoole : would I might haue lead PHILAVTIA in the measures , and it had beene the gods will . I am most worthy , I am sure .

MORVS .

Master , I can tell you newes , the ladie kist mee yonder , and plaid with me , and sayes shee lou'd you once , as well as shee do's me , but that you cast her off .

ASO.

Peace , my most esteemed page .

MORVS .

Yes .

ASO.

What lucke is this , that our reuels are dasht ? Now was I be ginning to glister , i' the very high way of preferment . And CYNTHIA had but seene me dance a straine , or doe but one trick , I had beene kept in court , I should neuer haue needed to looke towards my friends againe .

AMO.

Containe your selfe . You were a fortunate yong man , if you knew your owne good : which I haue now proiected , and will presently multiply vpon you . Beauties , and Valors , your vouchsaf'd applause to a motion . the humorous CYNTHIA hath , for this night , with-drawne the light of your de-light —

PHA.

T is true AMORPHVS , what may we doe to redeeme it ?

AMO.

Redeeme that we cannot , but , to create a new flame , is in our power . Here is a gentleman my scholer , whom ( for some priuate reasons me specially mouing ) I am couetous to gratifie with title of Master , in the noble , and subtile science of Courtship : For which grace , he shall this night in court , and in the long gallery , hold his publique Act , by open challenge , to all Masters of the mysterie whatsoeuer , to play at the foure choice , and principall weapons thereof , viz. the bare Accost , the better Regard , the solemne Addresse , and the perfect Close . What say you ?

ALL .

Excellent , excellent , AMORPHVS .

AMO.

Well , let vs then take our time by the fore-head : I will instantly haue bills drawne , and aduanc'd in euery angle of the court . Sir , betray not your too much ioy . ANAIDES , wee must mixe this gentleman with you in acquaintance , Monsieur ASOTVS .

ANA.

I am easily intreated to grace any of your friends , AMORPHVS .

ASO.

Sir , and his friends shall likewise grace you , sir . Nay , I begin to know my selfe , now .

AMO.

O , you must continue your bounties .

ASO.

Must I ? why , I 'le giue him this ruby on my finger . Doe you heare , sir ? I doe heartily with your acquaintance , and I partly know my selfe worthy of it ; please you , sir , to accept this poore ruby , in a ring , sir . The poesie is of my owne deuice . Let this blush for me , sir .

ANA.

So it must for me , too . For I am not asham'd to take it .

MORVS .

Sweet man ! by my troth , master , I loue you , will you loue me , too ? for my aunts sake ? I le waite well , you shall see . I le still bee here . Would I might neuer stirre , but you are a fine man in these clothes , Master , shall I haue 'hem , when you haue done with them ?

ASO.

As for that , MORVS , thou shalt see more hereafter : in the meane time , by this aire , or by this feather , I le doe as much for thee , as any gallant shall doe for his page , whatsoeuer , in this court , corner of the world , or kingdome .

MER.

I wonder , this gentleman should affect to keepe a foole ! mee thinkes , he makes sport enough with himselfe .

CVP.

Well , PROSAITES , 't were good you did waite closer .

PRO.

I , I le looke to it ; 't is time .

COS.

The reuels would haue beene most sumptuous to night , if they had gone forward .

MER.

They must needs , when al the choisest singularities of the court were vp in pantofles ; ne're a one of them , but was able to make a whole shew of it selfe .

ASO.

Within . Sirrah , a torch , a torch .

PRO.

O , what a call is there ! I will haue a canzonet made , with nothing in it , but sirrah ; and the burthen shall be , I come .

MER.

How now , CVPID , how doe you like this change ?

CVP.

Faith , the thred of my deuice is crackt , I may goe sleepe till the reuelling musique awake me .

MER.

And ther too , CVPID , without you had preuented the Fountayne . Alas , poore god , that remembers not selfe-Loue , to bee proofe against the violence of his quiuer ! Well , I haue a plot vpon these prizers , for which , I must presently find out CRITES , and with his assistance , pursue it to a high straine of laughter , or MERCVRIE hath lost of his mettall .

Act V. Scene I. MERCVRIE , CRITES . IT is resolu'd on , CRITES , you must doe it . CRI. The grace diuinest MERCVRIE hath done me , In this vouchsafde discouerie of himselfe , Binds my obseruance in the vtmost terme Of satisfaction , to his godly will : Though I professe ( without the affectation ) Of an enforc'd , and form'd austeritie ) I could be willing to enioy no place With so vnequall natures . MER. We beleeue it . But for our sake , and to inflict iust paines On their prodigious follies , aide vs now : No man is , presently , made bad , with ill . And good men , like the sea , should still maintaine Their noble taste , in midst of all fresh humours , That flow about them , to corrupt their streames , Bearing no season , much lesse salt of goodnesse . It is our purpose , CRITES , to correct , And punish , with our laughter , this nights sport Which our court-Dors so heartily intend : And by that worthy scorne , to make them know How farre beneath the dignitie of man Their serious , and most practis'd actions are . CRI. I , but though MERCVRIE can warrant out His vnder-takings , and make all things good , Out of the powers of his diuinitie , Th' offence will be return'd with weight on me , That am a creature so despisde , and poore ; When the whole Court shall take it selfe abusde By our ironicall confederacie . MER. You are deceiu'd . The better race in court That haue the true nobilitie , call'd vertue , Will apprehend it , as a gratefull right Done to their separate merit : and approue The fit rebuke of so ridiculous heads , Who with their apish customes , and forc'd garbes , Would bring the name of courtier in contempt , Did it not liue vnblemisht in some few , Whom equall IOVE hath lou'd , and PHOEBVS form'd Of better mettall , and in better mould . CRI. Well , since my leader on is MERCVRIE , I shall not feare to follow . If I fall , My proper vertue shall be my reliefe , That follow'd such a cause , and such a chiefe .
Act V. Scene II. ASOTVS , AMORPHVS .

NO more , if you loue mee , good master , you are incompatible to liue withall : Send mee for the ladies .

AMO.

Nay , but intend me .

ASO.

Feare me not , I warrant you , sir .

AMO.

Render not your selfe a refractarie , on the sodaine . I can allow well , you should repute highly , heartily ( and to the most ) of your own endowments ; it giues you forth to the world the more assur'd : but with reseruation of an eye , to be alwaies turn'd dutifully back vpon your teacher .

ASO.

Nay , good , sir , leaue it to mee . Trust mee with trussing all the points of this action , I pray . S'lid , I hope we shall find wit to performe the science , as well as another .

AMO.

I confesse you to be of an aped , and docible humour . Yet , there are certaine puntilioes , or ( as I may more nakedly insinuate them ) certaine intrinsecate strokes , and wardes , to which your actiuitie is not yet amounted . As your gentile dor , in colours . For supposition , your mistris appeares heere in prize , ribbanded with greene , and yellow ; now it is the part of euery obsequious seruant , to be sure to haue daily about him copie , and varietie of colours , to be presently answerable to any hourely , or half-hourely change in his mistris reuolution . —

ASO.

( I know it , sir .

AMO.

Giue leaue , I pray you ) which if your Antagonist , or player-against-you shall ignorantly be without , and your selfe can produce ; you giue him the dor .

ASO.

I , I , sir .

AMO.

Or , if you can possesse your opposite , that the greene your mistris weares , is her reioycing or exultation in his seruice ; the yellow , suspicion of his truth , ( from her height of affection : ) and that he ( greenly credulous ) shall withdraw thus , in priuate , and from the aboundance of his pocket ( to displace her jelous conceit ) steale into his hat the colour , whose bluenesse doth expresse truenesse , ( shee being nor so , nor so affected ) you giue him the dor .

ASO.

Doe not I know it , sir ?

AMO.

Nay , good — swell not aboue your vnderstanding . There is yet a third dor , in colours .

ASO.

I know it too , I know it .

AMO.

Doe you know it too ? what is it ? Make good your knowledge .

ASO.

Why it is — no matter for that .

AMO.

Doe it , on poene of the dor .

ASO.

Why ? what is 't , say you ?

AMO.

Loe , you haue giuen your selfe the dor. But I will remonstrate to you the third dor ; which is not , as the two former dors , indicatiue , but deliberatiue : As how ? As thus . Your Riualis , with a dutifull , and serious care , lying in his bed , meditating how to obserue his mistris , dispatcheth his lacquay to the chamber , early , to know what her colours are for the day ; with purpose to apply his weare that day , accordingly : You lay wait before , preoccupie the chamber-maide , corrupt her , to returne false colours ; He followes the fallacie ; comes out accoutred to his beleeu'd instructions ; your mistresse smiles ; and you giue him the dor .

ASO.

Why , so I told you , sir , I knew it .

AMO.

Tolde mee ? It is a strange outrecuidance ! your humour too much redoundeth .

ASO.

Why , sir , what , doe you thinke you know more ?

AMO.

I know that a cooke may as soone , and properly be said to smel wel , as you to be wise . I know these are most cleere , and cleane strokes . But then , you haue your passages , and imbroccata's in courtship ; as the bitter Rob in wit ; the Reuerse in face , or wry-mouth ; and these more subtle , and secure offenders . I will example vnto you . Your opponent makes entrie , as you are ingag'd with your mistresse . You seeing him , close in her eare , with this whisper ( here comes your Babion , disgrace him ) and withall , stepping off , fall on his bosome , and turning to her , politiquely , aloud say , ladie , reguard this noble gentleman , a man rarely parted , second to none in this court ; and then , stooping ouer his shoulder , your hand on his brest , your mouth on his back-side , you giue him the Reuerse stroke , with this Sanna , or Storkes-bill , which makes vp your wits Bob , most bitter .

ASO.

Nay , for heauens sake , teach me no more . I know all as well — S'lid , if I did not , why was I nominated ? why did you chuse mee ? why did the ladies pricke out mee ? I am sure there were other gallants . But me of all the rest ? By that light , and as I am a courtier , would I might neuer stirre , but 't is strange . Would to the lord , the ladies would come once .

Act V. Scene III . MORPHIDES , AMORPHVS , ASOTVS , HEDON , ANAIDES , THE THRONG . LADIES , CITIZEN , WIFE , PAGES , TAYLOR , MERCER , PERFVMER , IEWELLER , &c.

SIgnior , the gallants and ladies are at hand . Are you readie , sir ?

AMO.

Instantly . Goe , accomplish your attire : Cousin MORPHIDES , assist me , to make good the doore with your officious tyrannie .

CIT.

By your leaue my masters there , pray you let 's come by .

PAG.

You by ? why should you come by , more then we ?

WIT.

Why , sir ? Because he is my brother , that playes the prizes .

MOR.

Your brother ?

CIT.

I , her brother , sir , and we must come in .

TAY.

Why , what are you ?

CIT.

I am her husband , sir .

TAY.

Then thrust forward your head .

AMO.

What tumult is there ?

MOR.

Who 's there ? beare backe there . Stand from the doore .

AMO.

Enter none but the ladies , and their hang-bies ; welcome Beauties , and your kind Shadowes .

HED.

This countrie ladie , my friend , good signior AMORPHVS .

ANA.

And my cockatrice , heere .

AMO.

She is welcome .

MOR.

Knocke those same pages there ; and goodman Cockescombe the cittizen , who would you speake withall ?

AMO.

With whom ? your brother ?

MOR.

Who is your brother ?

AMO.

Master ASOTVS ? Is hee your brother ? Hee is taken vp with great persons . Hee is not to know you to night .

ASO.

O IOVE , master ! and there come ere a cittizen gentlewoman in my name , let her haue entrance , I pray you . It is my sister .

WIT.

Brother .

CIT.

Brother , master ASOTVS .

ASO.

Who 's there ?

WIT.

'T is I , brother .

ASO.

Gods me ! There she is , good master , intrude he .

MOR.

Make place . Beare backe there .

AMO.

Knocke that simple fellow , there .

WIT.

Nay , good sir ; It is my husband .

MOR.

The simpler fellow hee . Away , backe with your head , sir .

ASO.

Brother , you must pardon your non-entry : Husbands are not allow'd here in truth . I le come home soone with my sister ; pray you meet vs with a lanthorn , brother . Be merrie , sister : I shall make you laugh anon .

PHA.

Your prizer is not readie AMORPHVS .

AMO.

Apprehend your places , hee shall be soone ; and at all points .

ANA.

Is there any body come to answer him ? Shal we haue any sport .

AMO.

Sport of importance ; howsoeuer , giue me the gloues .

HED.

Gloues ! why gloues , Signior ?

PHI.

He distributes gloues . What 's the ceremonie ?

AMO.

Besides their receiu'd fitnesse , at all prizes , they are here properly accommodate to the nuptials of my schollers hauiour to the ladie courtship . Please you apparell your hands . Madam PHANTASTE , madam PHILAVTIA , Guardian , Signior HEDON , Signior ANAIDES , Gentlemen all , Ladies .

ALL .

Thankes , good AMORPHVS .

AMO.

I will now call forth my prouost , and present him .

ANA.

Heart ! why should not we be masters , aswell as he ?

HED.

That 's true , and play our masters prizes , as well as the t'other ?

MOR.

In sadnesse , for vsing your court-weapons , me thinks , you may .

PHA.

Nay , but why should not wee ladies play our prizes , I pray ? I see no reason , but we should take 'hem downe , at their owne weapons .

PHI.

Troth , and so we may , if we handle 'hem well .

WIF.

I indeed , forsooth , Madame , if 't were i' the citie , wee would thinke foule scorne , but we would , forsooth .

PHA.

Pray you , what shoul'd we call your name ?

WIF.

My name is , Downefall .

HED.

Good mistris Downefall ! I am sorry , your husband could not get in .

WIF.

'T is no matter for him , sir .

ANA.

No , no , shee has the more liberty for her selfe .

PHA.

Peace , A flourish . peace : They come .

AMO.

So . Keepe vp your ruffe : the tincture of your necke is not all so pure , but it will aske it . Maintayne your sprig vpright ; your cloke on your halfe-shoulder falling ; So : I will reade your bill , aduance it , and present you . Silence .

Be it knowne to all that professe courtship , The challenge by these presents ( from the white sattin reueller , to the cloth of tissue , and bodkin ) that we , VLYSSES-POLYTROPVS-AMORPHVS , Master of the noble , and subtile science of courtship , doe giue leaue and licence to our Prouost , ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAGMON-ASOTVS , to play his Masters prize , against all Masters whatsoeuer in this subtile mysterie , at these foure , the choice , and most cunning weapons of court-complement , viz. the bare Accost ; the better Reguard ; the solemne Addresse ; and the perfect Close . These are therefore to giue notice , to all commers , that hee , she said ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAGMON-ASOTVS , is here present ( by the helpe of his Mercer , Taylor , Millaner , Sempster , and so forth ) at his designed houre , in this faire gallery , the present day of this present moneth , to performe , and doe his vttermost for the atchieuement , and bearing away of the prizes , which are these : viz. for the bare Accost , two Wall-eyes , in a face forced : For the better Reguard , a Face fauourably simpring , with a Farme wauing : For the solemne Addresse , two Lips wagging , and neuer a wise word : For the perfect Close , a Wring by the hand , with a Banquet in a corner . And PHOEBVS saue CYNTHIA .

Appeareth no man yet , to answere the prizer ? No voice ? Musique , giue them their summons . Musique sounds .

PHA.

The solemnity of this is excellent .

AMO.

Silence . Well , I perceiue your name is their terror ; and keepeth them backe .

ASO.

I faith , Master , Let 's goe : no body comes . Victus , victa , victum ; Victi , victae , victi — Let 's bee retrograde .

AMO.

Stay . That were dispunct to the ladies . Rather , our selfe shall be your Encounter . Take your state , vp , to the wall : And , ladie , may we implore you to stand forth , as first terme , or bound to our courtship .

HED.

A charge . 'Fore heauen , 't will shew rarely .

AMO.

Sound a charge .

ANA.

A poxe on 't . Your vulgar will count this fabulous , and impudent , now : by that candle , they 'le ne're conceit it .

PHA.

Excellent well ! Admirable !

PHI.

Peace .

HED.

They act their accost seuerally to the lady that stands forth . Most fashionably , beleeue it .

PHI.

O , he is a well-spoken gentleman .

PHA.

Now the other .

PHI.

Very good .

HED.

For a Scholer , Honor .

ANA.

O , 't is too dutch . He reeles too much .

HED.

A flourish . This weapon is done .

AMO.

No , we haue our two bouts , at euery weapon , expect .

Act V. Scene IIII . To them . CRITES , MERCVRIE .

WHere be these gallants , and their braue prizer here ?

MORP.

Who 's there ? beare backe : Keepe the dore .

AMOR.

What are you , sir ?

CRIT.

By your licence , grand-master . Come forward , sir .

ANAI.

Heart ! who let in that rag there , amongst vs ? put him out , an impecunious creature .

HEDO.

Out with him .

MORP.

Come , sir .

AMOR.

You must be retrograde .

CRIT.

Soft , sir , I am Truchman , and doe flourish before this Monsieur , or french-behau'd gentleman , here ; who is drawne hither by report of your chartells , aduanced in court , to proue his fortune with your prizer , so he may haue faire play shewne him , and the libertie to choose his stickler .

AMOR.

Is he a Master ?

CRIT.

That , sir , he has to shew here ; and , confirmed vnder the hands of the most skilfull , and cunning complementaries aliue : please you reade , sir .

AMOR.

What shall we doe ?

ANAI.

Death , disgrace this fellow i' the blacke-stuffe , what euer you doe .

AMOR.

Why , but he comes with the stranger .

HEDO.

That 's no matter . He is our owne countryman .

ANA.

I , and he is a scholer besides . You may disgrace him here , with authoritie .

AMO.

Well , see these first .

ASO.

Now shall I be obseru'd by yon'd scholer , till I sweat againe ; I would to IOVE , it were ouer .

CRI.

Sir , this is the wight of worth , that dares you to the encounter . A gentleman of so pleasing , and ridiculous a carriage ; as , euen standing , carries meat in the mouth , you see ; and I assure you , although no bred courtling , yet a most particular man , of goodly hauings , well fashion'd hauiour , and of as hard'ned , and excellent a barke , as the most naturally-qualified amongst them , inform'd , reform'd , and transform'd , from his originall citticisme , by this elixi'r , or meere magazine of man . And , for your spectators , you behold them , what they are : The most choice particulars in court : This tels tales well ; This prouides coaches ; This repeates iests ; This presents gifts ; This holds vp the arras ; This takes downe from horse ; This protests by this light ; This sweares by that candle ; This delighteth ; This adoreth . Yet , all but three men . Then for your ladies , the most proud wittie creatures , all things apprehending , nothing vnderstanding , perpetually laughing , curious maintayners of fooles , mercers , and minstrels , costly to be kept , miserably keeping , all disdayning , but their painter , and pothecary , twixt whom and them there is this reciprock commerce , their beauties maintaine their painters , and their painters their beauties .

MER.

Sir , you haue plaid the painter your selfe , and limb'd them to the life . I desire to deserue before 'hem .

AMO.

This is authentique . Hauing read the certificate . Wee must resolue to entertaine the Monsieur , howsoeuer we neglect him .

HED.

Come , let 's all goe together , and salute him .

ANA.

Content , and not looke o' the other .

AMO.

Well deuis'd : and a most punishing disgrace .

HED.

On .

AMO.

Monsieur . We must not so much betray our selues to discourtship , as to suffer you to be longer vnsaluted : Please you to vse the state , ordain'd for the opponent ; in which nature , without enuy we receiue you .

HED.

And embrace you .

ANA.

And commend vs to you , sir .

PHI.

Beleeue it , he is a man of excellent silence .

PHA.

He keepes all his wit for action .

ANA.

This hath discountenanc'd our scholaris , most richly .

HED.

Out of all emphasis . The Monsieur sees , we regard him not .

AMO.

Hold on : make it knowne how bitter a thing it is , not to bee look't on in court .

HED.

S'lud , will he call him to him yet ? doe's not Monsieur perceiue our disgrace ?

ANA.

Hart ! he is a foole , I see . Wee haue done our selues wrong to grace him .

HED.

S'light , what an asse was I , to embrace him ?

CRI.

Illustrous , and fearefull iudges —

HED.

Turne away , turne away .

CRI.

It is the sute of the strange opponent ( to whom you ought not to turne your tailes , and whose noses I must follow ) that he may haue the iustice , before hee encounter his respected aduersarie , to see some light stroke of his play , commenc'd with some other .

HED.

Answere not him , but the stranger , we will not beleeue him .

AMO.

I will demand him my selfe .

CRI.

O dreadfull disgrace , if a man were so foolish to feele it !

AMO.

Is it your sute , Monsieur , to see some praelude of my scholer ? Now , sure the Monsieur wants language .

HED.

And take vpon him to be one of the accomplisht ? S'light , that 's a goodiest : would we could take him with that nullitie . Non sapette voi parlar' Itagliano ?

ANA.

S'foot , the carpe ha's no tongue .

CRI.

Signior , in courtship , you are to bid your abettors forbeare , and satisfie the Monsieurs request .

AMO.

Well , I will strike him more silent , with admiration , and terrifie his daring hither . Hee shall behold my owne play , with my scholer . Ladie , with the touch of your white hand , let me re-enstate you . Provost , begin to me , A charge . at the bare Accost . Now , for the honor of my discipline .

HED.

Signior AMORPHVS , reflect , reflect : what meanes hee by that mouthed waue ?

CRI.

He is in some distaste of your fellow disciple .

MER.

Signior , your scholer might haue plaid well still , if hee could haue kept his feare longer : I haue enough of him , now . He is a mere peece of glasse , I see through him , by this time .

AMO.

You come not to giue vs the scorne , Monsieur ?

MER.

Nor to be frighted with a face . Signior ! I haue seene the lyons . You must pardon me . I shall bee loth to hazzard a reputation with one , that ha's not a reputation to lose .

AMO.

How !

CRI.

Meaning your pupil , sir .

ANA.

This is that blacke deuill there .

AMO.

You doe offer a strange affront , Monsieur .

CRI.

Sir , he shall yeeld you all the honor of a competent aduersarie , if you please to vnder-take him —

MER.

I am prest for the encounter .

AMO.

Me ? challenge me ?

ASO.

What! my Master , sir ? S'light , Monsieur , meddle with me , doe you heare ? but doe not meddle with my Master .

MER.

Peace , good squib , goe out .

CRI.

And stinke , he bids you .

ASO.

Master ?

AMO.

Silence , I doe accept him . Sit you downe , and obserue . Me ? He neuer profest a thing at more charges . Prepare your selfe , sir . Challenge me ? I will prosecute what disgrace my hatred can dictate to me .

CRI.

How tender a trauailers spleene is ? comparison , to men , that deserue least , is euer most offensiue .

AMO.

You are instructed in our chartell , and know our weapons ?

MER.

I appeare not without their notice , sir .

ASO.

But must I lose the prizes , Master ?

AMO.

I will win them for you , bee patient . Lady , vouchsafe the tenure of this ensigne . Who shall be your stickler ?

MER.

Behold him .

AMO.

I would not wish you a weaker . Sound musiques . I prouoke you , at the bare Accost .

PHA.

Excellent comely ! A charge .

CRI.

And worthily studied . This is th' exalted Fore-top .

HED.

O , his legge was too much produc'd .

ANA.

And his hat was carried skiruily .

PHI.

Peace ; Let 's see the Monsieur's Accost : Rare !

PHA.

Sprightly , and short .

ANA.

True , it is the french curteau : He lacks but to haue his nose slit .

HED.

He do's hop . A flourish . He do's bound too much .

AMO.

The second bout , A charge . to conclude this weapon .

PHA.

Good , beleeue it !

PHI.

An excellent offer !

CRI.

This is call'd the solemne band-string .

HED.

Foe , that cringe was not put home .

ANA.

S'foot , he makes a face like a stab'd LVCRECE .

ASO.

Well , he would needes take it vpon him , but would I had done it for all this . He makes me sit still here , like a babioun as I am .

CRI.

Making villanous faces .

PHI.

See , the French prepares it richly .

CRI.

I , this is y'cleped the serious trifle .

ANA.

S'lud , 't is the horse-start out o' the browne studie .

CRI.

Rather the bird-ey'd stroke , A flourish . sir . Your obseruance is too blunt , sir .

AMO.

Iudges , award the prize . Take breath , sir . This bout hath beene laborious .

ASO.

And yet your Criticke , or your Besso'gno , will thinke these things fopperie , and easie , now .

CRI.

Or rather meere lunacy . For , would any reasonable creature make these his serious studies , and perfections ? Much lesse , onely liue to these ends ? to be the false pleasure of a few , the true loue of none , and the iust laughter of all ?

HED.

We must preferre the Monsieur , we courtiers must be partiall .

ANA.

Speake , Guardian . Name the prize , at the bare Accost .

MOR.

A paire of wall-eyes , in a face forced .

ANA.

Giue the Monsieur . AMORPHVS hath lost his eies .

AMO.

I ! is the palate of your judgement downe ? Gentles , I doe appeale .

ASO.

Yes master , to me . The judges be fooles .

ANA.

How now , sir ? Tie vp your tongue , Mungrill . He cannot appeale .

ASO.

Say you , sir ?

ANA.

Sir you still , sir .

ASO.

Why , so I doe . Doe not I , I pray you ?

MER.

Remercie , Madame , and these honourable Censors .

AMO.

Well , to the second weapon , The better Reguard : I will encounter you better . Attempt .

HED.

Sweet Honour .

PHI.

What sayes my good Ambition ?

HED.

Which take you at this next weapon ? I lay a discretion , with you , on AMORPHVS head .

PHI.

Why , I take the french-behau'd gentleman .

HED.

'T is done , a discretion .

CRI.

A discretion ? A prettie court-wager ! would any discreet person hazard his wit , so ?

PHA.

I 'le lay a discretion , with you , ANAIDES .

ANA.

Hang 'hem . I 'le not venter a doibt of discretion , on eyther of their heads . —

CRI.

No , he should venter all then .

ANA.

I like none of their playes .

HED.

A charge . See , see , this is strange play !

ANA.

'T is too full of vncertaine motion . He hobbles too much .

CRI.

'T is call'd your court-staggers , sir .

HED.

That same fellow talkes so , now he has a place .

ANA.

Hang him , neglect him .

MER.

Your good ladiships affectioned .

WIF

Gods so ! they speake at this weapon , brother !

ASO.

They must doe so , sister , how should it bee the better Reguard , else ?

PHA.

Me thinkes , hee did not this respectiuely inough .

PHI.

Why , the Monsieur but dallies with him .

HED.

Dallies ? Slight see , hee 'l put him too 't , in earnest . Well done , AMORPHVS .

ANA.

That puffe was good indeed .

CRI.

Gods mee ! This is desperate play . Hee hits himselfe o' the shinnes .

HED.

And he make this good through , he carries it , I warrant him .

CRI.

Indeed he displayes his feet , rarely .

HED.

See , see ; Hee do's the respectiue Leere damnably well .

AMO.

The true idolater of your beauties , shall neuer passe their deities vnadored : I rest your poore knight .

HED.

See , now the oblique leere , or the Ianus : He satisfies all , with that aspect , most nobly .

CRI.

And most terribly he comes off : A flourish . like your Rodomantada .

PHA.

How like you this play , ANAIDES ?

ANA.

Good play ; but 't is too rough , and boisterous .

AMO.

I will second it with a stroke easier , wherein I will prooue his language .

ANA.

This is filthy , A charge . and graue , now .

HED.

O , 't is coole , and warie play . Wee must not disgrace our owne camerade , too much .

AMO.

Signora , ho tanto obligo per pefauore rescinto da lei ; che veramente dessidero con totto il core , à remuneraria in parte : & sicurative signor a mea cara , chè infera sempre pronto à seruirla , & honorarla . Bascio le mane de vo' signoria .

CRI.

The venetian Dop this .

PHA.

Most vnexspectedly excellent ! The French goes downe certaine .

ASO. As buckets are put downe into a well ; Or as a schoole-boy . — CRI.

Trusse vp your simile , Iacke-daw , and obserue .

HED.

Now the Monsieur is moou'd .

ANA.

Boe-peepe .

HED.

O , most antique .

CRI.

The french Quirke , this sir .

ANA.

Heart , he will ouer-runne her !

MER.

Madamoyselle , Ie voudroy que pouvoy monstrer mon affection , mais ie suis tant mal heureuse , ci froid , ci layd , ci — Ie ne scay qui di dire — excuse moy , Ie suis tout vostre . A flourish .

PHI.

O braue , and spirited ! Hee 's a right Iouialist .

PHI.

No , no : AMORPHVS grauitie outwaies it .

CRI.

And yet your ladie , or your feather would outweigh both .

ANA.

What 's the prize , ladie , at this better Reguard ?

MOR.

A Face fauourably simpring , and a fanne wauing .

ANA.

They haue done doubtfully . Diuide . Giue the fauourable Face to the Signior , and the light waue to the Monsieur .

AMO.

You become the simper , well , ladie .

MER.

And the wag , better .

AMO.

Now , to our solemne Addresse . Please the well-grac'd PHILAVTIA to relieue the ladie sentinell ; shee hath stood long .

PHI.

With all my heart , come , Guardian . Resigne your place .

AMO.

Monsieur , furnish your selfe with what solemnitie of ornament you thinke fit for this third weapon ; at which you are to shew all the cunning of stroke , your deuotion can possibly deuise .

MER.

Let me alone , sir . I le sufficiently decipher your amorous solemnities . CRITES , haue patience . See , if I hit not all their practicke obseruance , with which they lime twigs , to catch their phantasticke ladiebirds .

CRI.

I , but you should doe more charitably , to doe it more openly ; that they might discouer themselues mockt in these monstrous affections .

MER.

A charge . Lacquay , where 's the taylor ?

TAY.

Heere , sir .

HED.

See , they haue their Taylor , Barber , Perfumer , Millaner , Ieweller , Feather-maker , all in common !

ANA.

I , this is prettie .

AMO.

They make them selues readie on the stage . Here is a haire too much , take it off . Where are thy mullets ?

MER.

Is this pinke of equall proportion to this cut , standing of this distance from it ?

TAY.

That it is , sir .

MER.

Is it so , sir , you impudent Poultroun ? you slaue , you list , you shreds , you . —

HED.

Excellent . This was the best , yet .

ANA.

S'foot , we must vse our taylors thus . This is your true magnanimitie .

MER.

Come , goe to : put on . Wee must beare with you , for the times sake .

AMO.

Is the perfume rich , in this jerkin ?

PER.

Taste , smell ; I assure you sir , pure beniamin , the onely spirited sent , that euer awak'd a neapolitane nostrill . You would wish your selfe all nose , for the loue on t . I frotted a jerkin , for a new-reuenu'd gentleman , yeelded me threescore crownes , but this morning , and the same titillation .

AMO.

I sauour no sampsuchine , in it .

PER.

I am a nulli-fidian , if there be not three thirds of a scruple more of sampsuchinum , in this confection , then euer I put in any . I le tell you all the ingredients , sir .

AMO.

You shall be simple , to discouer your simples .

PER.

Simple ? why sir ? what recke I to whom I discouer ? I haue in it , muske , ciuet , amber , pheenicobalanus , the decoction of turmericke , sesama , nard , spikenard , calamus odoratus , stacte , opobalsamum , amomum , storax , ladanum , aspalathum , opponax , oenanthe . And what of all these now ? what are you the better ? Tut , it is the sorting , and the diuiding , and the mixing , and the tempring , and the searcing , and the decocting , that makes the fumigation , and the suffumigation .

AMO.

Well , indue me with it .

PER.

I will , sir .

HED.

An excellent confection .

CRI.

And most worthie a true voluntarie . IOVE ! what a coyle these mukse-wormes take , to purchase anothers delight ? for , themselues , who beare the odours , haue euer the least sence of them . Yet , I doe like better the prodigalitie of jewels , and clothes , whereof one passeth to a mans heires ; the other , at least weares out time : This presently expires , and without continuall riot in reparation is lost : which who so striues to keep , it is one speciall argument to me , that ( affecting to smell better then other men ) he doth indeed smell farre worse .

MER.

I know , you will say it sits well , sir .

TAY.

Good faith , if it doe not , sir , let your Mistris be judge .

MER.

By heauen , if my Mistris doe not like it , I 'le make no more conscience to vndoe thee , then to vndoe an oyster .

TAY.

Beleeue it , sir , there 's ne're a Mistris i' the world can mislike it .

MER.

No , not goodwife Taylor , your Mistris ; that has onely the iudgment to heat your pressing toole . But for a court-Mistris , that studies these decorums , and knowes the proportion of euerie cut , to a haire , knowes why such a colour , is cut vpon such a colour , and , when a satten is cut vpon six taffataes , wil looke that we should diue into the depth of the cut . — Giue me my scarffe . Shew some ribbands , sirra . Ha you the feather ?

FET.

I , sir .

MER.

Ha' you the jewell ?

IEW.

Yes , sir .

MER.

What must I giue for the hire on 't ?

IEW.

You 'le giue me six crownes , sir ?

MER.

Sixe crownes ? By heauen 't were a good deed to borrow it of thee , to shew : and neuer let thee haue it againe .

IEW.

I hope your worship will not doe so , sir .

MER.

By IOVE , sir , there bee such trickes stirring , I can tell you , and worthily too . Extorting knaues ! that liue by these Court-decorums , and yet , — What 's your jewell worth , I pray ?

IEW.

A hundred crownes , sir .

MER.

A hundred crownes ? And sixe for the loane on 't an houre ? What 's that ? the hundred for the yeere ? These impostors would not bee hang'd ? your thiefe is not comparable to 'hem , by HERCVLES , well , put it in , and the feather . You will ha 't , and you shall ; and the poxe giue you good on 't .

AMO.

Giue mee my confects , my moscardini , and place those colours in my hat .

MER.

These are bolognian ribbands , I warrant you ?

MIL.

In truth , sir : if they be not right granado silke —

MER.

A poxe on you , you 'le all say so .

MIL.

You giue me not a pennie , sir .

MER.

Come sir , perfume my deuant ; May it ascend , like solemne sacrifice , into the nostrils of the Queene of Loue .

HED.

Your french ceremonies are the best :

ANA.

Monsieur , Signior , your solemne Addresse is too long . The ladies long to haue you come on .

AMO.

Soft , sir , our comming on is not so easily prepar'd . Signior Fig.

PER.

I , sir .

AMO.

Can you helpe my complexion , heere ?

PER.

O yes , sir , I haue an excellent mineral Fucus , for the purpose . The gloues are right , sir , you shall burie 'hem in a mucke-hill , a draught , seuen yeeres , and take 'hem out , and wash 'hem , they shall still retaine their first sent , true spanish . There 's ambre i' the vmbre .

MER.

Your price , sweet Fig.

PER.

Giue me what you will , sir : The Signior payes me two crownes a paire , you shall giue me your loue , sir .

MER.

My loue ? with a pox to you , goodman sasafras .

PER.

I come , sir . There 's an excellent diapasme in a chaine too , if you like it .

AMO.

Stay , what are the ingredients to your fucus ?

PER

Nought , but sublimate , and crude mercurie , sir , well prepar'd , and dulcified , with the jaw-bones of a sow , burnt , beaten , and searced .

AMO.

I approue it . Lay it on .

MER

I le haue your chaine of pomander , sirrah ; what 's your price ?

PER.

Wee 'le agree , Monsieur ; I le assure you , it was both decocted , and dried , where no sun came , and kept in an onyx euer since it was ball'd .

MER.

Come , inuert my mustachio , and we haue done .

AMO.

'T is good .

BAR.

Hold still I pray you , sir .

PER.

Nay , the fucus is exorbitant , sir .

MER.

Death ! doost thou burne me , Harlot ?

BAR.

I beseech you , sir .

MER.

A flourish . Begger , Varlet , Poultroun ?

HED.

Excellent , excellent !

ANA.

Your french Beate is the most naturall beate of the world .

ASO.

O , that I had plaid at this weapon !

PHA.

A charge . Peace , now they come on ; the second part .

AMO.

Madame , your beauties , being so attractiue , I muse you are left thus , alone .

PHI.

Better be alone , sir ; then ill-accompanied .

AMO.

Nought can be ill , ladie , that can come neere your goodnesse .

MER.

Sweet Madame , on what part of you soeuer a man casts his eye , he meets with perfection ; you are the liuely image of VENVS , throughout ; all the GRACES smile in your cheeks ; your beautie nourishes , as well as delights ; you haue a tongue steep't in honie ; and a breath like a panther : your brests and forehead are whiter then gotes milke , or May-blossomes ; a cloud is not so soft as your skinne . —

HED.

Well strooke , Monsieur : Hee charges like a Frenchman indeed , thicke , and hotly .

MER.

Your cheekes are CVPIDS baths , wherein hee vses to steepe himselfe in milke , and nectar : Hee do's light all his torches at your eyes , and instructs you how to shoot , and wound , with their beames . Yet I loue nothing , in you , more then your innocence ; you retaine so natiue a simplicitie , so vnblam'd a behauiour . Mee thinkes , with such a loue , I should find no head , nor foot of my pleasure : You are the verie spirit of a ladie .

ANA.

Faire play , Monsieur ? you are too hot on the quarrie . Giue your competitor audience .

AMO.

Lady , how stirring soeuer the Monsieurs tongue is , hee will lie by your side , more dull then your eunuch .

ANA.

A good stroke ; That mouth was excellently put ouer .

AMO.

You are faire , lady —

CRI.

You offer foule , Signior , to close . Keepe your distance ; for all your Brauo rampant , here .

AMO.

I say you are faire , lady , let your choice be fit , as you are faire .

MER.

I say , ladies doe neuer beleeue they are faire , till some foole begins to dote vpon 'hem .

PHI.

You play too rough , gentlemen .

AMO.

Your frenchified foole is your onely foole , lady : I doe yeeld to this honorable Monsieur , in all ciuill , and humane courtesie .

MER.

Buzze . A flourish .

ANA.

Admirable . Giue him the prize . Giue him the prize ; That mouth , againe , was most courtly hit , and rare .

AMO.

I knew , I should passe vpon him with the bitter Bob .

HED.

O , but the Reuerse was singular .

PHA.

It was most subtile , AMORPHVS .

ASO.

If I had don 't , it should haue beene better .

MER.

How heartily they applaud this , CRITES !

CRI.

You suffer 'hem too long

MER.

I 'le take off their edge instantly .

ANA.

Name the prize , at the solemne Addresse .

PHI.

Two lips wagging .

CRI.

And neuer a wise word ; I take it .

ANA.

Giue to AMORPHVS . And , vpon him , againe ; let him not draw free breath .

AMO.

Thankes , faire deliuerer , and my honorable iudges , Madame PHANTASTE , you are our worthy obiect at this next weapon .

PHA.

Most couetingly ready , AMORPHVS .

HED.

Your Monsieur is crest-falne .

ANA.

So are most of 'hem once a yeere .

AMO.

You will see , I shall now giue him the gentle dor , presently , hee forgetting to shift the colours , which are now chang'd , with alteration of the Mistris . At your last weapon , sir . The perfect Close . Set forward , intend your approch . A charge . Monsieur .

MER.

'T is yours , Signior .

AMO.

With your example , sir .

MER.

Not I , sir .

AMO.

It is your right .

MER.

By no possible meanes .

AMO.

You haue the way .

MER.

As I am noble —

AMO.

As I am vertuous —

MER.

Pardon me , sir .

AMO.

I will die first .

MER.

You are a tyranne in courtesie .

AMO.

He is remou'd — Iudges beare witnesse .

MER.

Amorphus staies the other , in his mouing . What of that , sir ?

AMO.

You are remou'd , sir .

MER.

Well .

AMO.

I challenge you ; you haue receiued the dor. Giue me the prize .

MER.

Soft , sir . How , the dor ?

AMO.

The common Mistris , you see , is changed .

MER.

Right , sir .

AMO.

And you haue still in your hat the former colours .

MER.

You lie , sir , I haue none : I haue pull'd 'hem out . I meant to play discolour'd .

CRI.

The dor , the dor , the dor , the dor , the dor ! the palpable dor.

ANA.

A flourish . Heart of my bloud . AMORPHVS , what ha' you done ? Stuck a disgrace vpon vs all , and at your last weapon ?

ASO.

I could haue done no more .

HED.

By heauen , it was most vnfortunate lucke .

ANA.

Lucke ! by that candle , it was meere rashnesse , and ouer-sight , would any man haue venterd to play so open , and forsake his ward ? Dam' me if he ha' not eternally vndone himselfe , in court ; and discountenanc'd vs , that were his maine countenance , by it .

AMO.

Forgiue it , now . It was the soloecisme of my starres .

CRI.

The Wring by the hand , and the Banquet is ours .

MER.

O , here 's a lady , feeles like a wench of the first yeare ; you would thinke her hand did melt in your touch ; and the bones of her fingers ran out at length , when you prest 'hem , they are so gently delicate ! Hee that had the grace to print a kisse on these lips , should taste wine , & rose-leaues . O , shee kisses as close as a cockle . Let 's take 'hem downe , as deepe as our hearts , wench , till our very soules mixe . Adieu , Signior . Good faith , I shall drinke to you at supper , sir .

ANA.

Stay , Monsieur . Who awards you the prize ?

CRI.

Why , his proper merit , sir : you see hee has plaid downe your grand garbe-Master , here .

ANA.

That 's not in your logicke to determine , sir : you are no courtier . This is none of your seuen , or nine beggerly sciences , but a certaine mysterie aboue 'hem , wherein wee that haue skill must pronounce , and not such fresh-men as you are .

CRI.

Indeed , I must declare my selfe to you no profest courtling ; nor to haue any excellent stroke , at your subtile weapons : yet if you please , I dare venter a hit with you , or your fellow , sir DAGONET , here .

ANA.

With me ?

CRI.

Yes , sir .

ANA.

Heart , I shall neuer haue such a fortune to saue my selfe in a fellow againe , and your two reputations , gentlemen , as in this . I 'le vndertake him .

HED.

Doe , and swinge him soundly , good ANAIDES .

ANA.

Let mee alone , I 'le play other manner of play , then has beene seene , yet . I would the prize lay on 't .

MER.

It shall if you will , I forgiue my right .

ANA.

Are you so confident ? what 's your weapon ?

CRI.

At any , I , sir .

MER.

The perfect Close , That 's now the best .

ANA.

Content , I 'le pay your scholaritie . Who offers ?

CRI.

Mary , that will I . I dare giue you that aduantage , too .

ANA.

You dare ? Well , looke to your liberall skonce .

AMO.

Make your play still , vpon the answere , sir .

ANA.

Hold your peace , you are a hobby-horse .

ASO.

Sit by me , Master .

MER.

Now CRITES , strike home .

CRI.

You shall see me vndoe the assur'd swaggerer with a tricke , instantly : I will play all his owne play before him ; court the wench , in his garbe , in his phrase , with his face ; leaue him not so much as a looke , an eye , a stalke , or an imperfect oth , to expresse himselfe by , after me .

MER.

Excellent , CRITES .

ANA.

When begin you , A charge . sir ? Haue you consulted ?

CRI.

To your cost , sir ; which is the Peece , stands forth to bee courted ? O , are you shee ? Well , Madame , or sweet lady , it is so , I doe loue you in some sort , doe you conceiue ? and though I am no Monsieur , nor no Signior , and do want ( as they say ) logicke and sophistrie , and good words , to tell you why it is so ; yet by this hand , and by that candle , it is so ; And though I bee no booke-worme , nor one that deales by arte , to giue you rhetorike , and causes , why it should be so , or make it good it is so , yet dam me , but I know it is so , and am assur'd it is so , and I and my sword shall make it appeare it is so ; and giue you reason sufficient , how it can be no otherwise , but so —

HED.

S'light , ANAIDES , you are mockt ; and so we are all .

MER.

How now , Signior ! What , suffer your selfe to bee cossen'd of your courtship , before your face ?

HED.

This is plaine confederacy , to disgrace vs : Let 's bee gone , and plot some reuenge .

AMO. When men disgraces share , The lesser is the care . CRI.

Nay stay , my deare Ambition , I can doe you ouer too . You that tell your Mistris , Her beautie is all composde of theft ; Her haire stole from APOLLO's goldy-locks ; Her white and red , lillies , and roses stolne out of paradise ; Her eyes , two starres , pluckt from the skie ; Her nose , the gnomon of Loues diall , that tells you how the clocke of your heart goes : And for her other parts , as you cannot reckon 'hem , they are so many ; so you cannot recount them , they are so manifest . Yours , if his owne , vnfortunate HOYDEN , A flourish . in stead of HEDON .

ASO.

Sister , come away , I cannot endure 'hem longer .

MER. Goe , Dors , and you , my Madame Courting-stocks , Follow your scorned , and derided mates ; Tell to your guiltie brests , what meere guilt blocks You are , and how vnworthy humane states . CRI. Now , sacred god of wit , if you can make Those , whom our sports taxe in these apish graces , Kisse ( like the fighting snakes ) your peacefull rod ; These times shall canonize you for a god . MER. Why , CRITES , thinke you any noble spirit , Or any , worth the title of a man , Will be incenst , to see th' inchaunted vailes Of selfe-conceit , and seruile flatterie ( Wrapt in so many folds , by time , and custome ) Drawne from his wronged , and bewitched eyes ? Who sees not now their shape , and nakednesse , Is blinder then the sonne of earth , the mole : Crown'd with no more humanitie , nor soule . CRI. Though they may see it , yet the huge estate Phansie , and forme , and sensuall pride haue gotten , Will make them blush for anger , not for shame ; And turne shewne nakednesse , to impudence . Humour is now the test , we trie things in ; All power is iust : Nought that delights is sinne . And , yet the zeale of euery knowing man , ( Opprest with hills of tyrannie , cast on vertue By the light phant'sies of fooles , thus transported ) Cannot but vent the Aetna of his fires , T' enflame best bosomes , with much worthier loue Then of these outward , and effeminate shades : That , these vaine ioyes , in which their wills consume Such powers of wit , and soule , as are of force To raise their beings to aeternitie , May be conuerted on workes , fitting men . And , for the practice of a forced looke , An antique gesture , or a fustian phrase , Studie the natiue frame of a true heart , An inward comelinesse of bountie , knowledge , And spirit , that may conforme them , actually , To Gods high figures , which they haue in power : Which to neglect for a selfe-louing neatnesse , Is sacrilege , of an vnpardon'd greatnesse . MER. Then let the truth of these things strengthen thee , In thy exempt , and only man-like course : Like it the more , the lesse it is respected ; Though men faile , vertue is by gods protected . See , here comes ARETE , I 'le with-draw my selfe .
Act V. Scene V. ARETE , CRITES . CRITES , you must prouide strait for a masque , 'T is CYNTHIAS pleasure . CRI. How , bright ARETE ! Why , 't were a labour more for HERCVLES . Better , and sooner durst I vnder-take To make the different seasons of the yeere , The windes , or elements to sympathize , Then their vnmeasurable vanitie Dance truely in a measure . They agree ? What though all concord 's borne of contraries ? So many follies will confusion proue , And like a sort of jarring instruments , All out of time : because ( indeede ) we see There is not that analogie , twixt discords , As betweene things but meerely opposite . ARE. There is your error . For as HERMES wand Charmes the disorders of tumultuous ghosts , And as the strife of Chaos then did cease , When better light then Natures did arriue : So , what could neuer in it selfe agree , Forgetteth the eccentrike propertie , And at her sight , turnes forth-with regular , Whose scepter guides the flowing Ocean . And though it did not , yet the most of them ( Being either courtiers , or not wholy rude ) Respect of maiestie , the place , and presence , Will keepe them within ring ; especially When they are not presented as themselues , But masqu'd like others . For ( in troth ) not so T' incorporate them , could be nothing else , Then like a state vngouern'd without lawes ; Or body made of nothing but diseases : The one , through impotency poore , and wretched , The other , for the anarchie absurd . CRI. But , ladie , for the reuellers themselues , It would be better ( in my poore conceit ) That others were imploid : for such as are Vnfit to be in CYNTHIAES court , can seeme No lesse vnfit to be in CYNTHIAES sports . ARE. That , CRITES , is not purposed without Particular knowledge of the Goddesse mind , ( Who holding true intelligence , what follies Had crept into her palace ) shee resolu'd , Of sports , and triumphs , vnder that pretext , To haue them muster in their pompe , and fulnesse : That so shee might more strictly , and to roote , Effect the reformation shee intends . CRI. I now conceiue her heauenly drift in all , And will apply my spirits , to serue her will . O thou , the very power , by which I am , And but for which , it were in vaine to be , Chiefe next DIANA , virgin , heauenly faire , Admired ARETE ( of them admir'd , Whose soules are not enkindled by the sense ) Disdaine not my chaste fire , but feede the flame Deuoted truely to thy gracious name . ARE. Leaue to suspect vs : CRITES well shall find , As we are now most deare , wee 'le proue most kind . Harke , I am call'd . CRI. I follow instantly . PHOEBVS APOLLO : if with ancient rites , And due deuotions , I haue euer hung Elaborate paeans , on thy golden shrine , Or sung thy triumphs in a loftie straine , Fit for a theater of gods to heare ; And thou , the other sonne of mighty IOVE , Cyllenian MERCVRY ( sweet MAIAS ioy ) If in the busie tumults of the mind , My path thou euer hast illumined , For which , thine altars I haue oft perfum'd , And deckt thy statues with discoloured flowres : Now thriue inuention in this glorious court , That not of bountie only , but of right , CYNTHIA may grace , and giue it life by sight .
Act V. Scene VI. HESPERVS , CYNTHIA , ARETE , TYME , PHRONESIS , THAVMA . The Hymne . QVeene , and Huntresse , chaste , and faire , Now the Sunne is laid to sleepe , Seated , in thy siluer chaire , State in wonted manner keepe : HESPERVS intreats thy light , Goddesse , excellently bright . Earth , let not thy enuious shade Dare it selfe to interpose ; CYNTHIAS shining orbe was made Heauen to cleere , when day did close : Blesse vs then with wished sight , Goddesse , excellently bright . Lay thy bow of pearle apart , And thy cristall-shining quiuer ; Giue vnto the flying hart Space to breathe , how short soeuer : Thou that mak'st a day of night , Goddesse , excellently bright . CYN. When hath DIANA , like an enuious wretch , That glitters onely to his soothed selfe , Denying to the world , the precious vse Of hoorded wealth , with-held her friendly aide ? Monthly , we spend our still-repaired shine , And not forbid our virgin-waxen torch To burne , and blaze , while nutriment doth last : That once consum'd , out of IOVES treasurie A new we take , and sticke it in our spheare , To giue the mutinous kind of wanting men , Their look't — for light . Yet , what is their desert ? " Bountie is wrong'd , interpreted as due ; " Mortalls can challenge not a ray , by right , " Yet doe expect the whole of CYNTHIAS light . But if that Deities with-drew their gifts , For humane follies , what could men deserue But death , and darknesse ? It behooues the high , For their owne sakes , to doe things worthily . ARE. Most true , most sacred Goddesse ; for the heauens Receiue no good of all the good they doe . Nor IOVE , nor you , nor other heauenly power , Are fed with fumes , which doe from incense rise , Or sacrifices reeking in their gore , Yet , for the care which you of mortalls haue , ( Whose proper good it is , that they be so ) You well are pleas'd with odours redolent : But ignorant is all the race of men , Which still complaines , not knowing why , or when . CYN. Else , noble ARETE , they would not blame , And taxe , for or vnjust , or for as proud , Thy CYNTHIA , in the things which are indeed The greatest glories in our starrie crowne ; Such is our chastitie : which safely scornes ( Not Loue ; for who more feruently doth loue Immortall honour , and diuine renowne ? But ) giddie CVPID , VENVS franticke sonne . Yet ARETE , if by this vailed light , Wee but discouer'd ( what we not discerne ) Any the least of imputations stand Readie to sprinkle our vnspotted fame , With note of lightnesse , from these reuels neere : Not , for the empire of the vniuerse , Should night , or court , this whatsoeuer shine , Or grace of ours vnhappily enjoy . " Place , and occasion are two priuie theeues ; " And from poore innocent ladies often steale " ( The best of things ) an honourable name : " To stay with follies , or where faults may be , " Infers a crime , although the partie free . ARE. How Cynthian-ly ( that is , how worthily And like herselfe ) the matchlesse CYNTHIA speakes ! Infinite iealousies , infinite regards , Doe watch about the true virginitie : But PHoeBE liues from all , not onely fault , But as from thought , so from suspicion free . " Thy presence broad-seales our delights for pure , " What 's done in CYNTHIAS sight , is done secure . CYN. That then so answer'd ( dearest ARETE ) What th' argument or of what sort our sports Are like to be this night , I not demaund . Nothing which dutie , and desire to please Beares written in the forehead , comes amisse . But vnto whose inuention , must we owe , The complement of this nights furniture ? ARE. Excellent Goddesse , to a mans , whose worth , ( Without hyperbole , ) I thus may praise ; One ( at least ) studious of deseruing well , And ( to speake truth ) indeed deseruing well : " Potentiall merit stands for actuall , " Where onely oportunitie doth want , " Not will , nor power : both which in him abound . One , whom the MVSES , and MINERVA loue . For whom should they , then CRITES , more esteeme , Whom PHOEBVS ( though not Fortune ) holdeth deare ? And ( which conuinceth excellence in him , ) A principall admirer of your selfe . Euen , through th' vngentle injuries of fate , And difficulties , which doe vertue choake , Thus much of him appeares . What other things Of farther note , doe lye vnborne in him , Them I doe leaue for cherishment to shew , And for a Goddesse graciously to judge . CYN. We haue alreadie judg'd him , ARETE : Nor are we ignorant , how noble minds Suffer too much through those indignities , Which times , and vicious persons cast on them : Our selfe haue euer vowed to esteeme , ( As vertue , for it selfe , so ) fortune base ; Who 's first in worth , the same be first in place . Nor farther notice ( ARETE ) we craue Then thine approuals soueraigne warrantie : Let' be thy care , to make vs knowne to him , " CYNTHIA shall brighten , what the world made dimme .
Act V. Scene VII. The first Masque . CVPID , To them . like ANTEROS .

CLeare pearle of heauen , and , not to bee farther ambitious in titles , CYNTHIA . The fame of this illustrous night , among others , hath also drawne these foure faire virgins from the palace of their Queene Perfection ( a word , which makes no sufficient difference , twixt hers , and thine ) to visit thy imperiall court : for she , their soueraigne , not finding where to dwell among men , before her returne to heauen , aduised them wholy to consecrate themselues to thy celestiall seruice , as in whose cleere spirit ( the proper element , and sphere of vertues ) they should behold not her alone , ( their euer honour'd mistris ) but themselues ( more truly themselues ) to liue inthroniz'd . Her selfe would haue commended them vnto thy fauour more particularly , but that shee knowes no commendation is more auaileable with them , then that of proper vertue . Neuerthelesse , she will'd them to present this christall mound , a note of monarchie , and symbole of perfection , to thy more worthie deitie ; which , as heere by me they most humbly doe , so amongst the rarities thereof , that is the chiefe , to shew whatsoeuer the world hath excellent , howsoeuer remote and various . But your irradiate iudgement will soone discouer the secrets of this little cristall world . Themselues ( to appeare more plainely ) because they know nothing more odious , then false pretexts , haue chosen to expresse their seuerall qualities , thus , in seuerall colours .

The first , in citron colour , is naturall Affection , which giuen vs to procure our good , is somtime called STORGE , & as euery one is neerest to himselfe , so this hand-maid of reason , allowable selfe-loue , as it is without harme , so are none without it : Her place in the court of Perfection was to quicken mindes in the pursuit of honour . Her deuice is a perpendicular Leuell , vpon a Cube , or Square . The word , SE SVO MODVLO . Alluding to that true measure of ones selfe , which as euerie one ought to make , so is it most conspicuous in thy diuine example .

The second , in greene , is AGLAIA , delectable and pleasant Conuersation , whose propertie is to moue a kindly delight , and sometime not without laughter : Her office , to entertaine assemblies , and keepe societies together with faire familiaritie . Her deuice within a Ring of clouds , a Heart with shine about it . The word , CVRARVM NVEILA PELLO . An allegorie of CYNTHIAES light , which no lesse cleares the skie , then her faire mirth the heart .

The third , in the discolour'd mantle spangled all ouer , is EVPHANTASTE , a well conceited Wittinesse , and imployd in honouring the court with the riches of her pure inuention . Her deuice , vpon a Petasus , or Mercuriall hat , a Crescent . The word , SIC LAVS INGENII . Inferring , that the praise and glorie of wit , doth euer increase , as doth thy growing moone .

The fourth in white , is APHELEIA , a Nymph as pure and simple as the soule , or as an abrase table , and is therefore called Simplicitie , without folds , without pleights , without colour , without counterfeit : and ( to speake plainly ) Plainenesse it selfe . Her deuice is no deuice . The word vnder her siluer Shield , OMNIS ABEST FVCVS . Alluding to thy spotlesse selfe , who art as farre from impuritie , as from mortalitie .

My selfe ( celestiall Goddesse ) more fit for the court of CYNTHIA , then the arbors of CYTHEREE , am call'd ANTEROS , or Loues enemie ; the more welcome therefore to thy court , and the fitter to conduct this quaternion , who as they are thy professed votaries , and for that cause aduersaries to Loue , yet thee ( perpetuall Virgin ) they both loue , and vow to loue eternally .

Act V. Scene VIII. CYNTHIA , ARETE , CRITES . NOt without wonder , nor without delight , Mine eyes haue view'd ( in contemplations depth ) This worke of wit , diuine , and excellent : What shape ? what substance ? or what vnknowne power In virgins habite , crown'd with lawrell leaues , And oliue branches wouen in betweene , On sea-girt rockes , like to a Goddesse shines ? O front ! Ô face ! Ô all caelestiall sure , And more then mortall ! ARETE , behold Another CYNTHIA , and another Queene , Whose glorie ( like a lasting plenilune ) Seemes ignorant of what it is to wane ! Not vnder heauen an obiect could be found More fit to please . Let CRITES make approch . Bountie forbids to paule our thanks with stay , Or to deferre our fauour , after view : " The time of grace is , when the cause is new . ARE. Loe , here the man ( celestiall DELIA ) Who ( like a circle bounded in it selfe ) Contaynes as much , as man in fulnesse may . Loe , here the man , who not of vsuall earth , But of that nobler , and more precious mould , Which PHOEBVS selfe doth temper , is compos'd ; And , who ( though all were wanting to reward ) Yet , to himselfe he would not wanting be : Thy fauours gaine is his ambitions most , And labours best ; who ( humble in his height ) Stands fixed silent in thy glorious sight . CYN. With no lesse pleasure , then we haue beheld This precious christall , worke of rarest wit , Our eye doth reade thee ( now enstil'd ) our CRITES ; Whom learning , vertue , and our fauour last , Exempteth from the gloomy multitude . " With common eye the supreme should not see . Henceforth be ours , the more thy selfe to be . CRI. Heau'ns purest light , whose orbe may be eclips'd , But not thy praise ( diuinest CYNTHIA ) How much too narrow for so high a grace , Thine ( saue therein ) the most vnworthy CRITES Doth find himselfe ! for euer shine thy fame ; Thine honours euer , as thy beauties doe ; In me they must , my darke worlds chiefest lights , By whose propitious beames my powers are rais'd To hope some part of those most loftie points , Which blessed ARETE hath pleas'd to name , As markes , to which m' indeuours steps should bend : Mine , as begun at thee , in thee must end .
Act V. Scene IX. The second Masque . MERCVRIE , as a PAGE .

SIster of PHOEBVS , to whose bright orbe we owe , that we not complaine of his absence ; These foure brethren ( for they are brethren , and sonnes of EVTAXIA , a lady knowne , and highly belou'd of your resplendent deitie ) not able to be absent , when CYNTHIA held a solemnitie , officiously insinuate themselues into thy presence : For , as there are foure cardinall vertues , vpon which the whole frame of the court doth moue , so are these the foure cardinall properties , without which , the body of complement moueth not . With these foure siluer iauelins ( which they beare in their hands ) they support in Princes courts the state of the presence , as by office they are obliged ; which , though here they may seeme superfluous , yet , for honors sake , they thus presume to visite thee , hauing also beene emploid in the palace of Queene Perfection . And though to them , that would make themselues gracious to a Goddesse , sacrifices were fitter then presents , or Impreses , yet they both hope thy fauour ; and ( in place of either ) vse seuerall Symboles , contayning the titles of thy imperiall dignitie .

First , the hethermost , in the changeable blew , and greene robe , is the commendably-fashioned gallant , EVCOSMOS ; whose courtly habite is the grace of the presence , and delight of the surueying eye : whom ladies vnderstand by the names of neate , and elegant . His symbole is , DIVAE VIRGINI , in which he would expresse thy deities principall glory , which hath euer beene virginitie .

The second , in the rich acoutrement , and robe of purple , empaled with gold , is EVPATHES ; who entertaynes his mind with an harmelesse , but not incurious varietie : All the obiects of his senses are sumptuous , himselfe a gallant , that , without excesse , can make vse of superfluitie : goe richly in imbroideries , iewells ( and what not ? ) without vanitie , and fare delicately without gluttonie : and therefore not ( not without cause ) is vniuersally thought to be of fiue humour . His Symbole is , DIVAE OPTIMAE . An attribute to expresse thy goodnesse , in which thou so resemblest IOVE thy father .

The third , in the blush-colour'd sute , is , EVTOLMOS , as duely respecting others , as neuer neglecting himselfe ; commonly knowne by the title of good audacitie : to courts , and courtly assemblies , a guest most acceptable . His Symbole is , DIVAE VIRAGINI . To expresse thy hardy courage , in chase of sauage beasts , which harbour in woods , and wildernesse .

The fourth , in watchet tinsell , is the kind , and truly benefique EVCOLOS . Who imparteth not without respect , but yet without difficultie ; and hath the happinesse to make euery kindnesse seeme double , by the timely , and freely bestowing thereof . He is the chiefe of them , who ( by the vulgar ) are said to be of good nature . His Symbole is , DIVAE MAXIMAE . An adiunct to signifie thy greatnesse , which in heauen , earth , and hell is formidable .

Act V. Scene X. CVPID , The Maskes ioyne , and dance . MERCVRIE .

IS not that AMORPHVS , the trauailer ?

MER.

As though it were not ! doe you not see how his legs are in trauaile with a measure ?

CVP.

HEDON , thy master is next .

MER.

What , will CVPID turne nomenclator , and cry them ?

CVP.

No faith , but I haue a comedie toward , that would not be lost for a kingdome .

MER.

In good time , for CVPID will proue the comedie .

CVP.

MERCVRY , I am studying how to match them .

MER.

How to mis-match them were harder .

CVP.

They are the Nymphs must doe it , I shall sport my selfe with their passions aboue measure .

MER.

Those Nymphs would be tam'd a little indeed , but I feare thou hast not arrowes for the purpose .

CVP.

O , yes , here be of all sorts , flights , rouers , and butt-shafts . But I can wound with a brandish , and neuer draw bow for the matter .

MER.

I cannot but beleeue it , my inuisible archer , and yet me thinks you are tedious .

CVP.

It behoues me to be somewhat circumspect , MERCVRY ; for if CYNTHIA heare the twang of my bow , shee 'le goe neere to whip mee with the string : therefore , to preuent that , I thus discharge a brandish vpon — it makes no matter which of the couples . PHANTASTE , and AMORPHVS , at you .

MER.

Will the shaking of a shaft strike 'hem into such a feuer of affection ?

CVP.

As well as the wincke of an eye : but I pray thee , hinder me not with thy prattle .

MER.

IOVE forbid I hinder thee . Mary , all that I feare , is CYNTHIAS presence ; which , with the cold of her chastitie , casteth such an antiperistasis about the place , that no heate of thine will tarry with the patient .

CVP.

It will tarry the rather , for the antiperistasis will keepe it in .

MER.

I long to see the experiment .

CVP.

Why , their marrow boiles already , or they are all turn'd eunuchs .

MER.

Nay , and 't bee so , I 'le giue ouer speaking , and bee a spectator onely . They haue danced the first straine .

AMO.

CYNTHIA ( by my bright soule ) is a right exquisite , and splendidious lady ; yet AMORPHVS , I thinke , hath seene more fashions , I am sure more countries : but whether I haue , or not , what neede wee gaze on CYNTHIA , that haue our selfe to admire ?

PHA.

O , excellent CYNTHIA ! yet if PHANTASTE sate where shee doo's , and had such a tire on her head ( for attire can doe much ) I say no more — but goddesses are goddesses , and PHANTASTE is as shee is ! I would the reuells were done once , I might goe to my schoole of glasse , againe , and learne to doe my selfe right after all this ruffling .

MER.

How now , CVPID ? here 's a wonderfull change with your brandish ! doe you not heare , how they dote ?

CVP.

What prodigie is this ? no word of loue ? no mention ? no motion ?

MER.

Not a word , my little Ignis falne , not a word .

CVP.

Are my darts inchaunted ? Is their vigour gone ? is their vertue —

MER.

What ? CVPID turn'd iealous of himselfe ? ha , ha , ha .

CVP.

Laughs MERCVRY ?

MER.

Is CVPID angrie ?

CVP.

Hath he not cause , when his purpose is so deluded ?

MOR.

A rare comoedie , it shall be intitled , CVPIDS .

CVP.

Doe not scorne vs , HERMES .

MER.

Choller , and CVPID , are two fiery things ; I scorne 'hem not . But I see that come to passe , which I presag'd in the beginning .

CVP.

You cannot tell : perhaps the physicke will not worke so soone vpon some , as vpon others . It may be , the rest are not so resty .

MER.

Ex vngue , you know the old adage , as these , so are the remainder .

CVP.

I 'le trie : this is the same shaft , with which I wounded ARGVRION .

MER.

I , but let mee saue you a labour , CVPID : there were certayne bottles of water fetcht , and drunke off ( since that time ) by these gallants .

CVP.

IOVE , strike me into earth : The Fountayne of selfe-Loue !

MER.

Nay , faint not , CVPID .

CVP.

I remembred it not .

MER.

Faith , it was ominous to take the name of ANTEROS vpon you , you know not what charme or inchantment lies in the word : you saw , I durst not venter vpon any deuice , in our presentment , but was content to be no other then a simple page . Your arrowes properties ( to keepe decorum ) CVPID , are suted ( it should seeme ) to the nature of him you personate .

CVP.

Indignitie not to be borne .

MER.

Nay rather , an attempt to haue beene forborne .

CVP.

How might I reuenge my selfe on this insulting MERCVRY ! there 's CRITES , The second straine . his minion , he has not tasted of this water . It shall be so . Is CRITES turn'd dotard on himselfe too ?

MER.

That followes not , because the venome of your shafts cannot pierce him , CVPID .

CVP.

As though there were one antidote for these , and another for him ?

MER.

As though there were not ! or as if one effect might not arise of diuers causes ? What say you to CYNTHIA , ARETE , PHRONESIS , TIME , and others there ?

CVP.

They are diuine .

MER.

And CRITES aspires to be so .

CVP.

But that shall not serue him .

MER.

'T is like to doe it , at this time . But CVPID is growne too couetous , that will not spare one of a multitude .

CVP.

One is more then a multitude .

MER.

ARETES fauour makes any one shot-proofe against thee , The third straine . CVPID . I pray thee , light hony-bee , remember thou art not now in ADORIS garden , but in CYNTHIAS presence , where thornes lie in garrison about the roses . Soft , CYNTHIA speakes .

Act V. Scene XI. CYNTHIA , ARETE , CRITES , MASQVERS . LAdies , and gallants of our court , to end , And giue a timely period to our sports , Let vs conclude them with declining night ; Our empire is but of the darker halfe . And if you iudge it any recompence For your faire paines , t' haue earn'd DIANAS thankes , DIANA grants them : and bestowes their crowne To gratifie your acceptable zeale . For you are they , that not ( as some haue done ) Doe censure vs , as too seuere , and sowre , But as ( more rightly ) gracious to the good ; Although we not denie , vnto the proud , Or the prophane , perhaps indeede austere : For so ACTAEON , by presuming farre , Did ( to our griefe ) incurre a fatall doome ; And so , swolne NIOBE ( comparing more Then he presum'd ) was trophaeed into stone . But are we therefore judged too extreme ? Seemes it no crime , to enter sacred bowers , And hallowed places , with impure aspect , Most lewdly to pollute ? Seemes it no crime , To braue a deitie ? Let mortals learne To make religion of offending heauen ; And not at all to censure powers diuine . To men , this argument should stand for firme , " A Goddesse did it , therefore it was good : " We are not cruell , nor delight in bloud . But what haue serious repetitions To doe with reuels , and the sports of court We not intend to sowre your late delights With harsh expostulation . Let 't suffice , That we take notice , and can take reuenge Of these calumnious , and lewd blasphemies . For we are no lesse CYNTHIA , then we were , Nor is our power ( but as our selfe ) the same : Though we haue now put on no tyre of shine , But mortall eyes vndaz'led may indure . " Yeeres are beneath the spheres : and time makes weake " Things vnder heauen , not powers which gouerne heauen . And though our selfe be , in our selfe , secure , Yet let not mortals challenge to themselues Immunitie from thence . Loe , this is all : " Honour hath store of spleene , but wanteth gall . Once more , we cast the slumber of our thankes On your ta'ne toile , which here let take an end . And that we not mis-take your seuerall worths , Nor you our fauour , from your selues remooue What makes you not your selues , those cloudes of masque : They vnmasque . " Particular paines , particular thankes doe aske . How ! let me view you ! ha ? Are we contemn'd ? Is there so little awe of our disdaine , That any ( vnder trust of their disguise ) Should mixe themselues with others of the court ? And ( without forehead ) boldly presse so far , As farther none ? How apt is lenitie To be abusde ? seueritie to be loth'd ? And yet , how much more doth the seeming face Of neighbour-vertues , and their borrowed names , Adde of lewd boldnesse , to loose vanities ? Who would haue thought that PHILAVTIA durst Or haue vsurped noble STORGES name ? Or with that theft haue ventred , on our eyes ? Who would haue thought , that all of them should hope So much of our conniuence , as to come To grace themselues , with titles not their owne ? In stead of med'cines , haue we maladies ? And such impostumes , as PHANTASTE is , Grow in our palace ? we must lance these sores , Or all will putrifie . Nor are these all , For we suspect a farder fraud then this : Take off our vaile , that shadowes may depart , And shapes appeare , beloued ARETE — So . Another face of things presents it selfe , Then did of late : What! featherd CVPID mask'd ? And mask'd like ANTEROS ? And , stay ! more strange ! Deare MERCVRIE , our brother like a page , To countenance the ambush of the boy ? Nor endeth our discouerie as yet : GELAIA , like a Nymph , that but ere-while ( In male attire ) did serue ANAIDES ? CVPID came hither to find sport and game , Who , heretofore hath beene too conuersant Among our traine ; but neuer felt reuenge : And MERCVRIE bare CVPID companie . CVPID , we must confesse this time of mirth ( Proclaim'd by vs ) gaue opportunitie , To thy attempts , although no priuiledge ; Tempt vs no farther , we cannot indure Thy presence longer : vanish hence , away . You , MERCVRIE , we must intreate to stay , And heare what we determine of the rest ; For in this plot , we well perceiue your hand . But ( for we meane not a censorian taske , And yet to lance these vlcers growne so ripe ) Deare ARETE , and CRITES , to you two We giue the charge ; impose what paines you please : Th' incurable cut off , the rest reforme , Remembring euer what we first decreed , Since reuells were proclaim'd let now none bleed . ARE. How well DIANA can distinguish times ? And forther censures ? keeping to her selfe The doome of gods , leauing the rest to vs ? Come , cite them , CRITES , first , and then proceed . CRI. First , PHILAVTIA ( for she was the first , ) Then light GELAIA , in AGLAIAS name , Thirdly PHANTASTE , and MORIA next , Maine follies all , and of the female crew : AMORPHVS , or EVCOSMOS conterfeit , Voluptuous HEDON tane for EVPATHES , Brazen ANAIDES , and ASOTVS last , With his two pages , MORVS and PROSAITES ; And thou , the trauellers euill , COS , approch , Impostors all , and male deformities — ARE. Nay , forward , for I delegate my power . And will that at thy mercie they doe stand , Whom they so oft so plainely scorn'd before . " 'T is vertue which they want , and wanting it , " Honour no garment to their backes can fit . Then , CRITES , practise thy discretion . CRI. Adored CYNTHIA , and bright ARETE , Another might seeme fitter for this taske , Then CRITES farre , but that you iudge not so : For I ( not to appeare vindicatiue , Or mindfull of contempts , which I contemn'd As done of impotence ) must be remisse , Who , as I was the authour , in some sort , To worke their knowledge into CYNTHIAS sight , So should be much seuerer to reuenge Th' indignitie , hence issuing to her name . But there 's not one of these , who are vnpain'd , Or by themselues vnpunished : for vice Is like a furie to the vicious minde , And turnes delight it selfe to punishment . But we must forward to designe their doome , You are offenders , that must be confest , Doe you confesse it ? ALL . We doe . CRI. And , that you merit sharpe correction ? ALL . Yes . CRI. Then we ( reseruing vnto DELIAES grace , Her further pleasure , and to ARETE What DELIA granteth ) thus doe sentence you . That from this place ( for poenance knowne of all , Since you haue drunke so deeply of selfe-Loue ) You ( two and two ) singing a palinode , March to your seuerall homes by NIOBES stone , And offer vp two teares apiece thereon ; That it may change the name , as you must change , And of a stone be called weeping Crosse : Because it standeth crosse of CYNTHIAS way , One of whose names is sacred TRIVIA . And , after poenance thus perform'd , you passe In like set order , not as MIDAS did , To wash his gold off into Tagus streame , But to the well of knowledge , Helicon ; Where purged of your present maladies , ( Which are not few , nor slender ) you become Such as you faine would seeme : and then returne , Offring your seruice to great CYNTHIA . This is your sentence , if the goddesse please . To ratifie it with her high consent : " The scope of wise mirth vnto fruict is bent . CYN. We doe approue thy censure , belou'd CRITES . Which MERCVRY , thy true propitious friend , ( A deitie , next IOVE , belou'd of vs ) Will vnder-take to see exactly done : And for this seruice of discouerie Perform'd by thee , in honor of our name , We vow to guerdon it with such due grace , As shall become our bountie , and thy place . " Princes , that would their people should doe well , " Must at themselues begin , as at the head ; " For men , by their example , patterne out " Their imitations , and reguard of lawes : " A vertuous Court a world to vertue drawes . PALINODE . AMO. From spanish shrugs , french faces , smirks , irps , and all affected humours . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . PHA. From secret friends , sweet seruants , loues , doues , and such phantastique humours . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . AMO. From stabbing of armes , flap-dragons , healths , whiffes , and all such swaggering humours . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . PHA. From wauing of fannes , coy glaunces , glickes , cringes , and all such simpring humours . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . AMO. From making loue by atturny , courting of puppets , and paying for new acquaintance . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . PHA. From perfum'd dogs , munkeyes , sparrowes , dildo's , and parachito's . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . AMO. From wearing bracelets of haire , shooe-ties , gloues , garters , and rings with poesies . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . PHA. From pargetting , painting , slicking , glazing , and renewing old riueld faces . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . AMO. From squiring to tilt-yards , play-houses , pageants , and all such publique places . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . PHA. From entertayning one gallant to gull an other , and making fooles of either . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . AMO. From belying ladies fauours , noble-mens countenance , coyning counterfeit imployments , vaine-glorious taking to them other mens seruices , and all selfe-louing humours . CHORVS . Good MERCVRY defend vs . SONG . NOw each one drie his weeping eyes , And to the well of knowledge haste ; Where purged of your maladies , You may of sweeter waters taste : And , with refined voice , report The grace of CYNTHIA , and her court .
THE EPILOGVE . GEntles , be 't knowne to you , since I went in I am turn'd rimer ; and doe thus begin . The Author ( iealous , how your sense doth take His trauailes ) hath enioyned me to make Some short , and ceremonious epilogue ; But if I yet know what , I am a rogue . He ties me to such lawes , as quite distract My thoughts ; and would a yeere of time exact . I neither must be faint , remisse , nor sorry , Sowre , serious , confident , nor peremptory : But betwixt these . Let 's see ; to lay the blame Vpon the Childrens action , that were lame . To craue your fauour , with a begging knee , Were to distrust the writers facultie . To promise better at the next we bring , Prorogues disgrace , commends not any thing . Stifly to stand on this , and proudly approue The play , might taxe the maker of selfe-Loue . I 'le onely speake , what I haue heard him say ; by ( — ) 't is good , and if you lik't , you may . THE END Ecce rubet quidam , pallet , slupet , oscitat , odit . Hoc volo : nunc nobis carmina nostra placent .

This Comicall Satyre was first acted , in the yeere 1600 .

By the then Children of Queene ELIZABETHS Chappell .

The principall Comoedians were , NAT. FIRED . SAL. PAVY. THO. DAY . IOH. VNDERWOOD . ROB. BAXTER . IOH. FROST .

With the allowance of the Master of REVELLS .

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sustian : which I doe vehemently suspect for some fustian countrie , but let that vanish . Here , tiring●house befriended by him , as to haue his presence in the tiring-house , to prompt vs aloud , stampe at the booke-holder ri●etted companie , HELMES , except your hands were riuetted at your backe . headouer-night againe , which they threw one at anothers head ouer-night , can brush the carpets , call d●cimo How now ! my dancing braggart in decimo sexto ! charme your skipping tongue , or Olympi● of deities , when the siluerroofe of the Olympian palace rung againe with applause of the silch now you are on earth , wee shall haue you filch spoones and candle-sticks , rather then candle-s●icks earth , wee shall haue you filch spoones and candle-sticks , rather then faile : pray IOVE the perfum'd f●●e edge of my wit is cleere taken off with the fine and subtile stroke of your thin-ground tongue 〈◊〉 all turn'd water , that in her , ( As in a truer glasse ) thou mightst haue gaz'd , And seene ●lieke looke on truth , But with bleard beames ; slicke flatterie and shee Are twin borne sisters se●er sisters , and so mixe their eyes , As if you seuer one , the other dies . Why did the gods P●●'d ( with staru'd , and couetous ignorance ) Pin'd in continuall eying that bright gem , The ● with my salt teares ; Yet slower , yet , ô faintly gentle springs : List to the heauy sittons LVCIANS of Europe . He doth feed you with fittons , figments , and leasings . marythen indifferently expresse my languages now : mary then , if he should fall out to be ignorant irke somenesse merrie madnesse of one houre , With the long irksomenesse of following time ! O how despisde and base racitie then ? my sense might aske me : Or ist a raritie , or some new obiect , That straines my ●right betray her loth'd and leprous face , And fright th'enamor'd dotards from themselues : But wast●coat barber , and a monkie : Hee has a rich wrought wast-coat to entertaine his visitants in , with a inui●ement not resist him . Hee neuer makes generall inuitement , but against the publishing of a new sute Ph●bus admirable ! looke , thy page takes it too , by Phaebus , my sweet facetious rascall , I could eate ●inger feather will teach you ) or with kissing your finger that hath the ruby , or playing with some deform●d shreds of formes , that himselfe is truly deform'd . He walkes most commonly with a cloue , Cri●es Crites passeth by . van●sh knowledge : and ( like so many meteors ) will vanish , when shee appeares . c●uiare taste some light dinner , a dish of slic'd cauiare , or so , and after , you shall practise ysaith deuill : weele put it seriously in practice , yfaith . ●re ouer ; bids , beleeue him , Twentie times , ere they will ; anon , doth seeme As he would Star●e vpon her , Ladie , Nymph , Sweet refuge , Starre of our court . Then if shee be guardant plian● and irpe , shew the supple motion of your pliant bodie , but ( in chiefe ) of your knee , rebat● Pray thee sit downe , PHILAVTIA , that rebatu becomes thee singularly . do●e that lord to court , and the t'other lord to dote , and one lord to hang himselfe . And then ●alute extrauagantiests now , because I began to salute 'hem by their names — sp●rde Faith , you might haue sparde vs Madame Prudence , the Guardian there bee qualifie Gods my life , how hee doe's all to beequalifie her ! ingenious , acute , and polite ? as belong It cannot now be long , faire ladie . tuss-taffa●a wrought in this fellow ! that came with a tuff-taffeta ierkin to towne but the other day , and swoune● Argurion swounes . ●he giue notice , to all commers , that hee , she said ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAGMON-ASOTVS , is here ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAG●ON-ASOTVS notice , to all commers , that hee , she said ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAGMON-ASOTVS , is here present ( by the helpe of his Mer●er ACOLASTVS-POLYPRAGMON-ASOTVS , is here present ( by the helpe of his Mercer , Taylor , Millaner , Sempster , and so Milla●er present ( by the helpe of his Mercer , Taylor , Millaner , Sempster , and so forth ) at his designed R●guard Wall-eyes , in a face forced : For the better Reguard , a Face fauourably simpring , with a Farme sa●e with a Banquet in a corner . And PHOEBVS saue CYNTHIA . challen The challenge ac●ost They act their accost seuerally to the lady that stands forth 〈◊〉 They act their accost seuerally to the lady that stands forth . ●●a●ds act their accost seuerally to the lady that stands forth . d●tch O , 'tis too dutch . He reeles too much . l●t Heart ! who let in that rag there , amongst vs ? put him anthentique This is authentique . Wee must resolue to entertaine the Monsieur Pro●ost your white hand , let me re-enstate you . Provost , begin to me , at the bare Accost . Now cha●ge A charge . sopperie your Besso'gno , will thinke these things fopperie , and easie , now . de●ties of your beauties , shall neuer passe their deities vnadored : I rest your poore knight . flou●ish A flourish . silthie This is filthy , and graue , now . des●●●ero pefauore rescinto da lei ; che veramente dessidero con totto il core , ● remuneraria in parte remunerarla veramente dessidero con totto il core , ● remuneraria in parte : & sicurative signor a mea cara sicurati●e totto il core , ● remuneraria in parte : & sicurative signor a mea cara , chè infera sempre pronto veneti●● The venetian Dop this . pou●oy Madamoyselle , Ie voudroy que pouvoy monstrer mon affection , mais ie suis tant he●reuse monstrer mon affection , mais ie suis tant mal heureuse , ci froid , ci layd , ci — Ie ne scay qui Monsi●ur to the Signior , and the light waue to the Monsieur . o●t would wish your selfe all nose , for the loue ont . I frotted a jerkin , for a new-reuenu'd samp●uchinum be not three thirds of a scruple more of sampsuchinum , in this confection , then euer I put in lad●num stacte , opobalsamum , amomum , storax , ladanum , aspalathum , opponax , oenanthe . And ●earcing and the mixing , and the tempring , and the searcing , and the decocting , that makes the fumigation ●uffumigation decocting , that makes the fumigation , and the suffumigation . voluptarie And most worthie a true voluntarie . IOVE ! what a coyle these mukse-wormes taffa●aes colour , and , when a satten is cut vpon six taffataes , wil looke that we should diue into the ●olognian These are bolognian ribbands , I warrant you ? Fuc●● O yes , sir , I haue an excellent mineral Fucus , for the purpose . The gloues are right ●ucus Nay , the fucus is exorbitant , sir . solds and seruile flatterie ( Wrapt in so many folds , by time , and custome ) Drawne from his p●ans due deuotions , I haue euer hung Elaborate paeans , on thy golden shrine , Or sung thy triumphs Let'be Then thine approuals soueraigne warrantie : Let' be thy care , to make vs knowne to him , same farther ambitious in titles , CYNTHIA . The fame of this illustrous night , among others sit vnder heauen an obiect could be found More fit to please . Let CRITES make approch . Bountie as dacitie himselfe ; commonly knowne by the title of good audacitie : to courts , and courtly assemblies , a Ma●kes The Maskes ioyne , and dance . nomendator What , will CVPID turne nomenclator , and cry them ? glas●e done once , I might goe to my schoole of glasse , againe , and learne to doe my selfe right counterseit fauours , noble-mens countenance , coyning counterfeit imployments , vaine-glorious taking to them Ec●e Ecce rubet quidam , pallet , slupet , oscitat