Epicoene, or The Silent Woman Jonson, Ben The text of this play is part of an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A04632 of text S112455 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 14752). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Hannah Bredar Heejin Ro This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A04632_07.xml The workes of Beniamin Ionson. Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. 441 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2003 January (TCP phase 1) 99847709 STC (2nd ed.) 14752. Greg, III, p. 1070-3. 12766 A04632 2240922515

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. Searching, reading, printing, or downloading EEBO-TCP texts is reserved for the authorized users of these project partner institutions. Permission must be granted for subsequent distribution, in print or electronically, of this text, in whole or in part. Please contact project staff at eebotcp-info@umich.edu for further information or permissions.

 The workes of Beniamin Ionson. Works. Vol. 1 Workes of Benjamin Jonson. Jonson, Ben, 1573?-1637. Hole, William, d. 1624, [12], 1015, [1] p. Printed by W: Stansby, and are to be sould by Rich: Meighen, London : An0 D. 1616. 1598

Mostly in verse.

The title page is engraved and signed "Guliel[mus] Hole fecit". The second state of the imprint (see The Library, ser. 6, 8:152-6).

The first leaf is blank.

The subsidiary plays each have separate dated title pages. Of these, "Every man out of his humour", "Cynthia's revels", and "Poetaster" have title pages in varying states; see Greg for details. Pagination and register are continuous.

A number of sheets exist in two different settings, and certain of these appear to be reprints done much later; see Greg and "Studies in Bibliography" 40:106-20.

A second volume was published without general title page in 1631.

Reproduction of the original in the British Library.

 A04632_07 shc Epicoene or The Silent Woman Jonson, Ben Hannah Bredar Heejin Ro 1609 play comedy shc yes A04632 S112455 (STC 14752). 78 40050 0 0 0 3 0 0 0.75 B The rate of 0.75 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago Boston Public Library, PR2600 1616

EPICOENE , OR The silent Woman . A Comoedie . Acted in the yeere 1609. By the Children of her Maiesties REVELLS .

The Author B. I.

HORAT. Vt sis tu similis Caelî , Byrrhique latronum , Non ego sim Caprî , neque Sulcî . Cur metuas me ?

LONDON , Printed by WILLIAM STANSBY .

M. D C. XVI .

TO THE TRVLY NOBLE , BY ALL TITLES . Sir Francis Stuart : SIR ,

MY hope is not so nourish'd by example , as it will conclude , this dumbe peece should please you , by cause it hath pleas'd others before : but by trust , that when you haue read it , you will find it worthy to haue dis-pleas'd none . This makes , that I now number you , not onely in the Names of fauour , but the Names of iustice , to what I write ; and doe , presently , call you to the exercise of that noblest , and manlyest vertue : as coueting rather to be freed in my fame , by the authority of a Iudge , then the credit of an Vndertaker . Read therefore , I pray you , and censure . There is not a line , or syllable in it changed from the simplicity of the first Copy . And , when you shall consider , through the certaine hatred of some , how much a mans innocency may bee indanger'd by an vn-certaine accusation ; you will , I doubt not , so beginne to hate the iniquitie of such natures , as I shall loue the contumely done me , whose end was so honorable , as to be wip'd off by your sentence .

Your vnprofitable , but true louer , BEN. IONSON .
The Persons of the Play . MOROSE . A Gent. that loues no noise . DAVP. EVGENIE . A Knight his nephew . CLERIMONT . A Gent. his friend . TRVE-WIT . Another friend . EPICOENE . A yong Gent. suppos'd the silent Woman . IOH. DAW . A Knight , her seruant . AMOROVS LA FOOLE . A Knight also . TITOM : OTTER . A land , and sea-Captaine . CVTBERD . A Barber . MVTE. One of MOROSE his seruants . MAD. HAVGHTY . Ladies Collegiates . MAD. CENTAVRE . Ladies Collegiates . M rs . MAVIS . Ladies Collegiates . M rs . TRVSTY . The La. HAVGHTIES woman . M rs . OTTER . The Captaines wife . Pretenders . PARSON . PAGES . SERVANTS .

THE SCENE LONDON .

EPISCOENE , OR The silent Woman . PROLOGVE . TRuth sayes , of old , the art of making plaies Was to content the people ; & their praise Was to the Poet money , wine , and bayes . But in this age , a sect of writers are , That , onely , for particular likings care , And will taste nothing that is populare . With such we mingle neither braines , nor brests ; Our wishes , like to those ( make publique feasts ) Are not to please the cookes tastes , but the guests . Yet , if those cunning palates hether come , They shall find guests entreaty , and good roome ; And though all relish not , sure , there will be some , That , when they leaue their seates , shall make 'hem say , Who wrot that piece , could so haue wroten a play : But that , he knew , this was the better way . For , to present all custard , or all tart , And haue no other meats , to beare a part , Or to want bread , and salt , were but course art . The Poet prayes you then , with better thought To sit ; and , when his cares are all in brought , Though there be none far fet , there will deare-bought Be sit for ladies : some for lords , knights , squires , Some for your waiting wench , and citie-wires , Some for your men , and daughters of White-Friars . Nor is it , onely , while you keepe your seate Here , that his feast will last ; but you shall eate A weeke at ord'naries , on his broken meat : If his Muse be true , Who commends her to you .
Another . Occasion'd by some persons impertinent exception . THe ends of all , who for the Scene doe write , Are , or should be , to profit , and delight . And still't hath beene the praise of all best times , So persons were not touch'd , to taxe the crimes . Then , in this play , which we present to night , And make the obiect of your eare , and sight , On forfeit of your selues , thinke nothing true : Lest so you make the maker to iudge you . For he knowes , Poet neuer credit gain'd By writing truths , but things ( like truths ) well fain'd . If any , yet , will ( with particular slight Of application ) wrest what he doth write ; And that he meant or him , or her , will say : They make a libell , which he made a play .
Act I.
Scene I. CLERIMONT , BOY , TRVE-WIT . He comes out making himselfe ready .

HA' you got the song yet perfect I ga' you , boy ?

BOY .

Yes , sir.

CLE.

Let me heare it .

BOY .

You shall , sir , but i' faith let no body else .

CLE.

Why , I pray ?

BOY .

It will get you the dangerous name of a Poet in towne , sir , besides me a perfect deale of ill will at the mansion you wot of , whose ladie is the argument of it : where now I am the welcom'st thing vnder a man that comes there .

CLE.

I thinke , and aboue a man too , if the truth were rack'd out of you .

BOY .

No faith , I 'll confesse before , sir. The gentlewomen play with me , and throw me o' the bed ; and carry me in to my lady ; and shee kisses me with her oil'd face ; and puts a perruke o' my head ; and askes mean ' I will weare her gowne ; and I say , no : and then she hits me a blow o' the eare , and calls me innocent , and lets me goe .

CLE.

No maruell , if the dore bee kept shut against your master , when the entrance is so easie to you — well sir , you shall goe there no more , lest I bee faine to seeke your voyce in my ladies rushes , a fortnight hence . Sing , Boy sings . sir.

TRV.

Why , here 's the man that can melt away his time , and neuer feeles it ! what , betweene his mistris abroad , and his engle at home , high fare , soft lodging , fine clothes , and his fiddle ; hee thinkes the houres ha' no wings , or the day no post-horse . Well , sir gallant , were you strooke with the plague this minute , or condemn'd to any capitall punishment to morrow , you would beginne then to thinke , and value euery article o' your time , esteeme it at the true rate , and giue all for 't .

CLE.

Why , what should a man doe ?

TRV.

Why , nothing : or that , which when 't is done , is as idle . Harken after the next horse-race , Horses o' the time . or hunting-match ; lay wagers , praise Puppy , or Pepper-corne , White-foote , Franklin ; sweare vpon White-maynes partie ; spend aloud , that my lords may heare you ; visite my ladies at night , and bee able to giue 'hem the character of euery bowler , or better o' the greene . These be the things , wherein your fashionable men exercise themselues , and I for companie .

CLE.

Nay , if I haue thy authoritie , I 'le not leaue yet . Come , the other are considerations , when wee come to haue gray heads , and weake hammes , moist eyes , and shrunke members . Wee 'll thinke on 'hem then ; then wee 'll pray , and fast .

TRV.

I , and destine onely that time of age to goodnesse , which our want of abilitie will not let vs employ in euill ?

CLE.

Why , then 't is time enough .

TRV.

Yes : as if a man should sleepe all the terme , and thinke to effect his businesse the last day . O , CLERIMONT , this time , because it is an incorporeall thing , and not subiect to sense , we mocke our selues the fineliest out of it , with vanitie , and miserie indeede : not seeking an end of wretchednesse , but onely changing the matter still .

CLE.

Nay , thou 'lt not leaue now —

TRV.

See but our common disease ! with what iustice can wee complaine , that great men will not looke vpon vs , nor be at leisure to giue our affaires such dispatch , as wee expect , when wee will neuer doe it to our selues : nor heare , nor regard our selues .

CLE.

Foh , thou hast read PLVTARCHS moralls , now , or some such tedious fellow ; and it showes so vilely with thee : 'Fore god , 't will spoile thy wit vtterly . Talke me of pinnes , and feathers , and ladies , and rushes , and such things : and leaue this Stoicitie alone , till thou mak'st sermons .

TRV.

Well , sir. If it will not take , I haue learn'd to loose as little of my kindnesse , as I can . I 'le doe good to no man against his will , certainely . When were you at the colledge ?

CLE.

What colledge ?

TRV.

As if you knew not !

CLE.

No faith , I came but from court , yesterday .

TRV.

Why , is it not arriu'd there yet , the newes ? A new foundation , sir , here i' the towne , of ladies , that call themselues the Collegiates , an order betweene courtiers , and country-madames , that liue from their husbands ; and giue entertainement to all the Wits , and Braueries o' the time , as they call 'hem : crie downe , or vp , what they like , or dislike in a braine , or a fashion , with most masculine , or rather hermaphroditicall authoritie : and , euery day , gaine to their colledge some new probationer .

CLE.

Who is the President ?

TRV.

The graue , and youthfull matron , the lady HAVGHTY .

CLE.

A poxe of her autumnall face , her peec'd beautie : there 's no man can bee admitted till shee be ready , now adaies , till shee has painted , and perfum'd , and wash'd , and scour'd , but the boy here ; and him shee wipes her oil'd lips vpon , like a sponge . I haue made a song , I pray thee heare it , o' the subiect .

SONG . STill to be neat , still to be drest , As , you were going to a feast ; Still to be pou'dred , still perfum'd : Lady , it is to be presum'd , Though arts hid causes are not found , All is not sweet , all is not sound . Giue me a looke , giue me a face , That makes simplicitie a grace ; Robes loosely flowing , haire as free : Such sweet neglect more taketh me , Then all th' adulteries of art . Thy strike mine eyes , but not my heart . TRV.

And I am , clearely , o' the other side : I loue a good dressing , before any beautie o' the world . O , a woman is , then , like a delicate garden ; nor , is there one kind of it : she may varie , euery houre ; take often counsell of her glasse , and choose the best . If shee haue good eares , shew 'hem ; good haire , lay it out ; good legs , weare short cloathes ; a good hand , discouer it often ; practise any art , to mend breath , clense teeth , repaire eye-browes , paint , and professe it .

CLE.

How ? publiquely ?

TRV.

The doing of it , not the manner : that must bee priuate . Many things , that seeme foule , i' the doing , doe please , done . A lady should , indeed , studie her face , when wee thinke shee sleepes : nor , when the dores are shut , should men bee inquiring , all is sacred within , then . Is it for vs to see their perrukes put on , their false teeth , their complexion , their eye-browes , their nailes ? you see guilders will not worke , but inclos'd . They must not discouer , how little serues , with the helpe of art , to adorne a great deale . How long did the canuas hang afore Ald-gate ? were the people suffer'd to see the cities Loue , and Charitie , while they were rude stone , before they were painted , and burnish'd ? No. No more should seruants approch their mistresses , but when they are compleat , and finish'd .

CLE.

Well said , my TRVE-WIT .

TRV.

And a wise ladie will keepe a guard alwaies vpon the place , that shee may doe things securely . I once followed a rude fellow into a chamber , where the poore madame , for haste , and troubled , snatch'd at her perruke , to couer her baldnesse : and put it on , the wrong way .

CLE.

O prodigie !

TRV.

And the vn-conscionable knaue held her in complement an houre , with that reuerst face , when I still look'd when shee should talke from the t'other side .

CLE.

Why , thou should'st ha' releeu'd her .

TRV.

No faith , I let her alone , as wee 'l let this argument , if you please , and passe to another . When saw you DAVPHINE EVGENIE ?

CLE.

Not these three daies . Shall we goe to him this morning ? he is very melancholique , I heare .

TRV.

Sicke o' the vncle ? is hee ? I met that stiffe peece of formalitie , his vncle , yesterday , with a huge turbant of night-caps on his head , buckled ouer his cares .

CLE.

O , that 's his custome when he walkes abroad . Hee can endure no noise , man .

TRV.

So I haue heard . But is the disease so ridiculous in him , as it is made ? they say , hee has beene vpon diuers treaties with the Fish-wiues , and Orenge-women ; and articles propounded betweene them : mary , the Chimney-sweepers will not be drawne in .

CLE.

No , nor the Broome-men : they stand out stiffely . He cannot endure a Costard-monger , he swounes if he heare one .

TRV.

Me thinkes , a Smith should be ominous .

CLE.

Or any Hāmer-man . A Brasier is not suffer'd to dwel in the parish , nor an Armorer . He would haue hang'd a Pewterers 'prentice once vpon a shroue-tuesdaies riot , for being o' that trade , when the rest were quit .

TRV.

A Trumpet should fright him terribly , or the Hau'-boyes ?

CLE.

Out of his senses . The Waights of the citie haue a pension of him , not to come neere that ward . This youth practis'd on him , one night , like the Bell-man ; and neuer left till hee had brought him downe to the doore , with a long-sword : and there left him flourishing with the aire .

BOY .

Why , sir ! hee hath chosen a street to lie in , so narrow at both ends , that it will receiue no coaches , nor carts , nor any of these common noises : and therefore , we that loue him , deuise to bring him in such as we may , now and then , for his exercise , to breath him . Hee would grow resty else in his ease . His vertue would rust without action . I entreated a Beare-ward , one day , to come downe with the dogs of some foure parishes that way , and I thanke him , he did ; & cryed his games vnder master MOROSE'S windore : till he was sent crying away , with his head made a most bleeding spectacle to the multitude . And , another time , a Fencer , marching to his prize , had his drum most tragically run through , for taking that street in his way , at my request .

TRV.

A good wag . How do's he for the bells ?

CLE.

O , i' the Queenes time , he was wont to goe out of towne euery satterday at ten a clock , or on holy-day-eues . But now , by reason of the sicknesse , the perpetuitie of ringing has made him deuise a roome , with double walls , and treble feelings ; the windores close shut , and calk'd : and there he liues by candle-light . He turn'd away a man , last weeke , for hauing a paire of new shooes that creak'd . And this fellow waits on him , now , in tennis-court socks , or slippers sol'd with wooll : and they talke each to other , in a trunke . See , who comes here .

Act I. Scene II. DAVPHINE , TRVE-WIT , CLERIMONT .

HOw now ! what aile you sirs ? dumbe ?

TRV.

Strooke into stone , almost , I am here , with tales o' thine vncle ! There was neuer such a prodigie heard of .

DAVP.

I would you would once loose this subiect , my masters , for my sake . They are such as you are , that haue brought mee into that predicament , I am , with him .

TRV.

How is that ?

DAVP.

Mary , that he will dis-inherit me , no more . Hee thinks , I , and my companie are authors of all the ridiculous acts , and moniments are told of him .

TRV.

S'lid , I would be the author of more , to vexe him , that purpose , deserues it : it giues thee law of plaguing him . I 'll tell thee what I would doe . I would make a false almanack ; get it printed : and then ha' him drawne out on a coronation day to the tower-wharfe , and kill him with the noise of the ordinance . Dis-inherit thee ! hee cannot , man . Art not thou next of bloud , and his sisters sonne ?

DAVP.

I , but he will thrust me out of it , he vowes , and marry .

TRV.

How ! that 's a more portent . Can he endure no noise , and will venter on a wife ?

CLE.

Yes ▪ why , thou art a stranger , it seemes , to his best trick , yet . He has imploid a fellow this halfe yeere , all ouer England , to harken him out a dumbe woman ; bee shee of any forme , or any qualitie , so shee bee able to beare children : her silence is dowrie enough , he saies .

TRV.

But , I trust to god , he has found none .

CLE.

No , but hee has heard of one that 's lodg'd i' the next street to him , who is exceedingly soft-spoken ; thrifty of her speech ; that spends but sixe words a day . And her hee 's about now , and shall haue her .

TRV.

Is 't possible ! who is his agent i' the businesse ?

CLE.

Mary , a Barber , one CVT-BERD : an honest fellow , one that tells DAVPHINE all here .

TRV.

Why , you oppresse mee with wonder ! A woman , and a barber , and loue no noise !

CLE.

Yes faith . The fellow trims him silently , and has not the knacke with his sheeres , or his fingers : and that continence in a barber hee thinkes so eminent a vertue , as it has made him chiefe of his counsell .

TRV.

Is the barber to be seene ? or the wench ?

CLE.

Yes , that they are .

TRV.

I pray thee , DAVPHINE , let 's goe thether .

DAVP.

I haue some businesse now : I cannot i'faith .

TRV.

You shall haue no businesse shall make you neglect this , sir , wee 'll make her talke , beleeue it ; or if shee will not , wee can giue out , at least so much as shall interrupt the treatie : wee will breake it . Thou art bound in conscience , when hee suspects thee without cause , to torment him .

DAVP.

Not I , by any meanes . I 'll giue no suffrage to 't . He shall neuer ha' that plea against me , that I oppos'd the least phant'sie of his . Let it lie vpon my starres to be guiltie , I 'll be innocent .

TRV.

Yes , and be poore , and beg ; doe , innocent : when some groome of his has got him an heire , or this barber , if hee himselfe cannot . Innocent ! I pray thee , NED , where lyes shee ? let him be innocent , still .

CLE.

Why , right ouer against the barbers ; in the house , where sir IOHN DAW lyes .

TRV.

You doe not meane to confound me !

CLE.

Why ?

TRV.

Do's he , that would marry her , know so much ?

CLE.

I cannot tell .

TRV.

'T were inough of imputation to her , with him .

CLE.

Why ?

TRV.

The onely talking sir i' th' towne ! IACK DAW ! And he teach her not to speake — God b'w'you . I haue some businesse too .

CLE.

Will you not goe thether then ?

TRV.

Not with the danger to meet DAW , for mine eares .

CLE.

Why ? I thought you two had beene vpon very good termes .

TRV.

Yes , of keeping distance .

CLE.

They say he is a very good scholler .

TRV.

I , and hee sayes it first . A poxe on him , a fellow that pretends onely to learning , buyes titles , and nothing else of bookes in him .

CLE.

The world reports him to be very learned .

TRV.

I am sorry , the world should so conspire to belie him .

CLE.

Good faith , I haue heard very good things come from him .

TRV.

You may . There 's none so desperately ignorant to denie that : would they were his owne . God b'w' you , gentlemen .

CLE.

This is very abrupt !

Act I. Scene III. DAVPHINE , CLERIMONT , BOY .

COme , you are a strange open man , to tell euery thing , thus .

CLE.

Why , beleeue it DAVPHINE , TRVE-WIT'S a very honest fellow .

DAVP.

I thinke no other : but this franke nature of his is not for secrets .

CLE.

Nay , then , you are mistaken DAVPHINE : I know where he has beene well trusted , and discharg'd the trust very truely , and heartily .

DAVP.

I contend not , NED , but , with the fewer a businesse is carried , it is euer the safer . Now we are alone , if you 'll goe thether , I am for you .

CLE.

When were you there ?

DAVP.

Last night : and such a decameron of sport fallen out ! BOCCACE neuer thought of the like . DAW do's nothing but court her ; and the wrong way . Hee would lie with her , and praises her modestie ; desires that shee would talke , and bee free , and commends her silence in verses : which hee reades , and sweares , are the best that euer man made . Then railes at his fortunes , stamps , and mutines , why he is not made a counsellor , and call'd to affaires of state .

CLE.

I pray thee let 's goe . I would faine partake this . Some water , Boy .

DAVP.

Wee are inuited to dinner together , he and I , by one that came thether to him , sir LA-FOOLE .

CLE.

O , that 's a precious mannikin !

DAVP.

Doe you know him ?

CLE.

I , and he will know you too , if ere he saw you but once , though you should meet him at church in the midst of praiers . Hee is one of the Braueries , though he be none o' the Wits . He will salute a Iudge vpon the bench , and a Bishop in the pulpit , a Lawyer when hee is pleading at the barre , and a Lady when shee is dauncing in a masque , and put her out . He do's giue playes , and suppers , and inuites his guests to 'hem , aloud , out of his windore , as they ride by in coaches . He has a lodging in the Strand for the purpose . Or to watch when ladies are gone to the China houses , or the Exchange , that hee may meet 'hem by chance , and giue 'hem presents , some two or three hundred pounds-worth of toyes , to be laught at . He is neuer without a spare banquet , or sweet-meats in his chamber , for their women to alight at , and come vp to , for a bait .

DAVP.

Excellent ! He was a fine youth last night , but now he is much siner ! what is his christen-name ? I ha' forgot .

CLE.

Sir AMOROVS LA-FOOLE .

BOY .

The gentleman is here below , that ownes that name .

CLE.

Hart , hee 's come , to inuite me to dinner , I hold my life .

DAVP.

Like enough : pray thee , let 's ha' him vp .

CLE.

Boy , marshall him .

BOY .

With a truncheon , sir ?

CLE.

Away , I beseech you . I 'le make him tell vs his pedegree , now ; and what meat he has to dinner ; and , who are his guests ; and , the whole course of his fortunes : with a breath .

Act I. Scene IIII. LA-FOOLE , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE .

S'Aue , deare sir DAVPHINE , honor'd master CLERIMONT .

CLE.

Sir AMOROVS ! you haue very much honested my lodging , with your presence .

LA-F.

Good faith , it is a fine lodging ! almost , as delicate a lodging , as mine .

CLE.

Not so , sir.

LA-F.

Excuse me , sir , if it were i' the Strand , I assure you . I am come , master CLERIMONT , to entreat you wait vpon two or three ladies , to dinner , to day .

CLE.

How , sir ! wait vpon 'hem ? did you euer see me carry dishes ?

LA-F.

No , sir , dispence with me ; I meant , to beare 'hem companie .

CLE.

O , that I will , sir. The doubtfulnesse o' your phrase , beleeue it , sir , would breed you a quarrell , once an houre , with the terrible boyes , if you should but keepe 'hem fellowship a day .

LA-F.

It should be extremely against my will , sir , if I contested with any man .

CLE.

I beleeue it , sir ; where hold you your feast ?

LA-F.

At TOM OTTERS , sir.

DAVP.

TOM OTTER ? what 's he ?

LA-F.

Captaine OTTER , sir ; he is a kind of gamster : but he has had command , both by sea , and by land .

DAVP.

O , then he is animal amphibium ?

LA-F.

I , sir : his wife was the rich China-woman , that the courtiers visited so often , that gaue the rare entertainment . She commands all at home .

CLE.

Then , shee is Captaine OTTER ?

LA-F.

You say very well , sir : she is my kins-woman , a LA-FOOLE by the mother side , and will inuite , any great ladies , for my sake .

DAVP.

Not of the LA-FOOLES of Essex ?

LA-F.

No , sir , the LA-FOOLES of London .

CLE.

Now , h 'is in .

LA-F.

They all come out of our house , the LA-FOOLES o' the north , the LA-FOOLES of the west , the LA-FOOLES of the east , and south — we are as ancient a family , as any is in Europe — but I my selfe am descended lineally of the french LA-FOOLES — and , wee doe beare for our coate Yellow , or Or , checker'd Azure , and Gules , and some three or foure colours more , which is a very noted coate , and has , some-times , beene solemnely worne by diuers nobilitie of our house — but let that goe , antiquitie is not respected now — I had a brace of fat Does sent me , gentlemen , & halfe a dosen of phesants , a dosen or two of godwits , and some other fowle , which I would haue eaten , while they are good , and in good company — there will bee a great lady , or two , my lady HAVGHTY , my lady CENTAVRE , mistris DOL MAVIS — and they come a'purpose , to see the silent gentlewoman , mistris EPICOENE , that honest sir IOHN DAW has promis'd to bring thether — and then , mistris TRVSTY , my ladies woman , will be there too , and this honorable Knight , sir DAVPHINE , with your selfe , master CLERIMONT — and wee 'll bee very merry , and haue fidlers , and daunce — I haue beene a mad wag , in my time , and haue spent some crownes since I was a page in court , to my lord LOFTY , and after , my ladies gentleman-vsher , who got mee knighted in Ireland , since it pleas'd my elder brother to die — I had as faire a gold ierkin on that day , as any was worne in the Iland-voyage , or at Caliz , none disprais'd , and I came ouer in it hither , show'd my selfe to my friends , in court , and after went downe to my tenants , in the countrey , and suruai'd my lands , let new leases , tooke their money , spent it in the eye o' the land here , vpon ladies — and now I can take vp at my pleasure .

DAVP.

Can you take vp ladies , sir ?

CLE.

O , let him breath , he has not recouer'd .

DAVP.

Would I were your halfe , in that commoditie —

LA-F.

No , sir , excuse mee : I meant money , which can take vp any thing . I haue another guest , or two , to inuite , and say as much to , gentlemen . I 'll take my leaue abruptly , in hope you will not faile — Your seruant .

DAVP.

Wee will not faile you , sir precious LA-FOOLE ; but shee shall , that your ladies come to see : if I haue credit , afore sir DAW .

CLE.

Did you euer heare such a wind-fucker , as this ?

DAVP.

Or , such a rooke , as the other ! that will betray his mistris , to be seene . Come , 't is time , we preuented it .

CLE.

Goe .

Act II.
Scene I. MOROSE , MVTE.

CAnnot I , yet , find out a more compendious method , then by this trunke , to saue my seruants the labour of speech , and mine eares , the discord of sounds ? Let mee see : all discourses , but mine owne , afflict mee , they seeme harsh , impertinent , and irksome . Is it not possible , that thou should'st answere me , by signes , and , I apprehend thee , fellow ? speake not , though I question you . You haue taken the ring , off from the street dore , At the breaches , still the fellow makes legs : or signes . as I bad you ? answere me not , by speech , but by silence ; vnlesse , it be otherwise ( — ) very good . And , you haue fastened on a thicke quilt , or flock-bed , on the out-side of the dore ; that if they knocke with their daggers , or with bricke-bats , they can make no noise ? but with your leg , your answere , vnlesse it be otherwise ( — ) very good . This is not , onely , fit modestie in a seruant , but good state , and discretion in a master . And you haue beene with CVTBERD , the barber , to haue him come to me ? ( — ) good . And , he will come presently ? answere me not but with your leg , vnlesse it be otherwise : if it be otherwise , shake your head , or shrug ( — ) so . Your Italian , and Spaniard , are wise in these ! and it is a frugall , and comely grauitie . How long will it bee , ere CVTBERD come ? stay , if an houre , hold vp your whole hand ; if halfe an houre , two singers ; if a quarter , one ; ( — ) good : halfe a quarter ? 't is well . And haue you giuen him a key , to come in without knocking ? ( — ) good . And , is the lock oild , and the hinges , to day ? ( — ) good . And the quilting of the staires no where worne out , and bare ? ( — ) very good . I see , by much doctrine , and impulsion , it may be effected : stand by . The Turke , in this diuine discipline , is admirable , exceeding all the potentates of the earth ; still waited on by mutes ; and all his commands so executed ; yea , euen in the warre ( as I haue heard ) and in his marches , most of his charges , and directions , giuen by signes , and with silence : an exquisite art ! and I am heartily asham'd , and angrie often-times , that the Princes of Christendome , should suffer a Barbarian , to transcend 'hem in so high a point of felicitie . I will practise it , One windes a horne without . Againe . hereafter . How now ? oh ! oh ! what villaine ? what prodigie of mankind is that ? looke . Oh! cut his throat , cut his throat : what murderer , hell-hound , deuill can this be ?

MVT.

It is a post from the court —

MOR.

Out rogue , and must thou blow thy horne , too ?

MVT.

Alas , it is a post from the court , sir , that sayes , hee must speake with you , paine of death —

MOR.

Paine of thy life , be silent .

Act II. Scene II. TRVE-WIT , MOROSE , CVTBERD .

BY your leaue , sir ( I am a stranger here ) is your name , master MOROSE ? is your name , master MOROSE ? fishes ! Pythagoreans all ! this is strange ! What say you , sir , nothing ? Has HARPOCRATES beene here , with his club , among you ? well sir , I will beleeue you to bee the man , at this time : I will venter vpon you , sir. Your friends at court commend 'hem to you , sir —

( MOR.

O men ! Ô manners ! was there euer such an impudence ? )

TRV.

And are extremely sollicitous for you , sir.

MOR.

Whose knaue are you !

TRV.

Mine owne knaue , and your compere , sir.

MOR.

Fetch me my sword —

TRV.

You shall taste the one halfe of my dagger , if you do ( groome ) and you , the other , if you stirre , sir : be patient , I charge you , in the kings name , and heare mee without insurrection . They say , you are to marry ? to marry ! doe you marke , sir ?

MOR.

How then , rude companion !

TRV. He shewes him a halter .

Mary , your friends doe wonder , sir , the Thames being so neere , wherein you may drowne so handsomely ; or London-bridge , at a low fall , with a fine leape , to hurry you downe the streame ; or , such a delicate steeple , i' the towne , as Bow , to vault from ; or , a brauer height , as Pauls , or , if you affected to doe it neerer home , and a shorter way , an excellent garret windore , into the street ; or , a beame , in the said garret , with this halter ; which they haue sent , and desire , that you would sooner commit your graue head to this knot , then to the wed-lock nooze ; or , take a little sublimate , and goe out of the world , like a rat ; or a flie ( as one said ) with a straw i' your arse : any way , rather , then to follow this goblin matrimony . Alas , sir , doe you euer thinke to find a chaste wife , in these times ? now ? when there are so many masques , plaies , puritane preachings , mad-folkes , and other strange sights to be seene daily , priuate and publique ? if you had liu'd in king ETHELDRED'S time , sir , or EDWARD the Confessors , you might , perhaps , haue found in some cold countrey-hamlet , then , a dull frostie wench , would haue beene contented with one man : now , they will as soone be pleas'd with one leg , or one eye . I 'le tell you , sir , the monstrous hazards you shall runne with a wife .

MOR.

Good sir ! haue I euer cosen'd any friends of yours of their land ? bought their possessions ? taken forfeit of their morgage ? begg'd a reuersion from 'hem ? bastarded their issue ? what haue I done , that may deserue this ?

TRV.

Nothing , sir , that I know , but your itch of marriage .

MOR.

Why ? if I had made an assassinate vpon your father ; vitiated your mother ; rauished your sisters —

TRV.

I would kill you , sir , I would kill you , if you had .

MOR.

Why ? you doe more in this , sir : It were a vengeance centuple , for all facinorous acts , that could be nam'd , to doe that you doe —

TRV.

Alas , sir , I am but a messenger : I but tell you , what you must heare . It seemes , your friends are carefull after your soules health , sir , and would haue you know the danger ( but you may doe your pleasure , for all them , I perswade not , sir ) If , after you are married , your wife doe run away with a vaulter , or the Frenchman that walkes vpon ropes , or him that daunces the iig , or a sencer for his skill at his weapon , why it is not their fault ; they haue discharged their consciences : when you know what may happen . Nay , suffer valiantly , sir , for I must tell you , all the perills that you are obnoxious too . If shee be faire , yong , and vegetous , no sweet meats euer drew more flies ; all the yellow doublets , and great roses i' the towne will bee there . If foule , and crooked , shee 'll bee with them , and buy those doublets and roses , sir. If rich , and that you marry her dowry , not her ; shee 'll raigne in your house , as imperious as a widow . If noble , all her kindred will be your tyrannes . If fruitfull , as proud as May , and humorous as April ; she must haue her doctors , her midwiues , her nurses , her longings euery houre : though it be for the dearest morsell of man . If learned , there was neuer such a parrat ; all your patrimony will be too little for the guests , that must be inuited , to heare her speake Latine and Greeke : and you must lie with her in those languages too , if you will please her . If precise , you must feast all the silenc'd brethren , once in three daies ; salute the sisters ; entertaine the whole family , or wood of 'hem ; and heare long-winded exercises , singings , and catechisings , which you are not giuen to , and yet must giue for : to please the zealous matron your wife , who , for the holy cause , will cosen you , ouer and aboue . You beginne to sweat , sir ? but this is not halfe , i'faith : you may do your pleasure notwithstanding , as I said before , I come not to perswade you . Vpon my faith , The Mute is stealing away . master seruing man , if you doe stirre , I will beat you .

MOR.

O , what is my sinne ! what is my sinne ?

TRV.

Then , if you loue your wife , or rather , dote on her , sir : Ô , how shee 'll torture you ! and take pleasure i' your torments ! you shall lye with her but when she lists ; she will not hurt her beauty , her complexion ; or it must be for that iewell , or that pearle , when she do's ; euery halfe houres pleasure must be bought anew : and with the same paine , and charge , you woo'd her at first . Then , you must keepe what seruants shee please ; what company shee will ; that friend must not visit you without her licence ; and him shee loues most shee will seeme to hate eagerliest , to decline your ielousie ; or , faigne to bee ielous of you first ; and for that cause goe liue with her she-friend , or cosen at the colledge , that can instruct her in all the mysteries , of writing letters , corrupting seruants , taming spies ; where shee must haue that rich goune for such a great day ; a new one for the next ; a richer for the third ; bee seru'd in siluer ; haue the chamber sill'd with a succession of groomes , foot-men , vshers , and other messengers ; besides embroyderers , iewellers , tyre-women , sempsters , fether-men , perfumers ; while shee feeles not how the land drops away ; nor the acres melt ; nor forsees the change , when the mercer has your woods for her veluets ; neuer weighes what her pride costs , sir : so shee may kisse a page , or a smoth chinne , that has the despaire of a beard ; bee a states-woman , know all the newes , what was done at Salisbury , what at the Bath , what at court , what in progresse ; or , so shee may censure poets , and authors , and stiles , and compare 'hem , DANIEL with SPENSER , IONSON with the tother youth , and so foorth ; or , be thought cunning in controuersies , or the very knots of diuinitie ; and haue , often in her mouth , the state of the question : and then skip to the Mathematiques , and demonstration and answere , in religion to one ; in state , to another , in baud'ry to a third .

MOR.

O , Ô !

TRV.

All this is very true , sir. And then her going in disguise to that coniurer , and this cunning woman : where the first question is , how soone you shall die ? next , if her present seruant loue her ? next that , if she shall haue a new seruant ? and how many ? which of her family would make the best baud , male , or female ? what precedence shee shall haue by her next match ? and sets downe the answers , and beleeues 'hem aboue the scriptures . Nay , perhaps she 'll study the art .

MOR.

Gentle sir , ha' you done ? ha' you had your pleasure o' me ? I 'll thinke of these things .

TRV.

Yes sir : and then comes reeking home of vapor and sweat , with going afoot , and lies in , a moneth , of a new face , all oyle , and birdlime ; and rises in asses milke , and is clens'd with a new fucus : god b'w' you , sir. One thing more ( which I had almost forgot . ) This too , with whom you are to marry , may haue made a conuayance of her virginity afore hand , as your wise widdowes doe of their states , before they marry , in trust to some friend , sir : who can tell ? or if she haue not done it yet , she may doe , vpon the wedding day , or the night before , and antidate you cuckold . The like has beene heard of , in nature . 'T is no deuis'd impossible thing , sir. God b'w' you : I 'll be bold to leaue this rope with you , sir , for a remembrance . Farewell MVTE.

MOR. The horne againe .

Come , ha' me to my chamber : but first shut the dore . O , shut the dore , shut the dore : Is he come againe ?

CVT.

'T is I , sir , your barber .

MOR.

O CVTBERD , CVTBERD , CVTBERD ! here has bin a cut-throate with me : helpe me in to my bed , and giue me physicke with thy counsell .

Act II. Scene III. DAW , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE , EPICOENE .

NAy , and she will , let her refuse , at her owne charges : 't is nothing to me , gentlemen . But she will not bee inuited to the like feasts , or guests , euery day .

CLE. They disswade her , priuately .

O , by no meanes , shee may not refuse — to stay at home , if you loue your reputation : 'Slight , you are inuited thither o' purpose to bee seene , and laught at by the lady of the colledge , and her shadowes . This trumpeter hath proclaim'd you .

DAVP.

You shall not goe ; let him be laught at in your steade , for not bringing you : and put him to his extemporall faculty of fooling , and talking loud to satisfie the company .

CLE.

He will suspect vs , talke aloud . 'Pray' mistris EPICOENE , let 's see your verses ; we haue sir IOHN DAW'S leaue : doe not conceale your seruants merit , and your owne glories .

EPI .

They 'll proue my seruants glories , if you haue his leaue so soone .

DAVP.

His vaine glories , lady !

DAW .

Shew 'hem , shew 'hem , mistris , I dare owne 'hem .

EPI .

Iudge you , what glories ?

DAW .

Nay , I 'll read 'hem my selfe , too : an author must recite his own workes . It is a madrigall of modestie . Modest , and faire , for faire and good are neere Neighbours , how ere . —

DAVP.

Very good .

CLE.

I , Is 't not ?

DAW . No noble vertue euer was alone , But two in one . DAVP. Excellent ! CLE. That againe , I pray'sir IOHN . DAVP. It has some thing in 't like rare wit , and sense . CLE. Peace . DAW . No noble vertue euer was alone , But two in one . Then , when I praise sweet modestie , I praise Bright beauties raies : And hauing prais'd both beauty and modestee , I haue prais'd thee . DAVP. Admirable ! CLE. How it chimes , and cries tinke i' the close , diuinely ! DAVP. I , 't is SENECA. CLE. No , I thinke 't is PLVTARCH . DAW .

The dor on PLVTARCH , and SENECA , I hate it : they are mine owne imaginations , by that light . I wonder those fellowes haue such credit with gentlemen .

CLE.

They are very graue authors .

DAW .

Graue asses ! meere Essaists ! a few loose sentences , and that 's all . A man would talke so , his whole age , I doe vtter as good things euery houre , if they were collected , and obseru'd , as either of 'hem .

DAVP.

Indeede ! sir IOHN ?

CLE.

Hee must needs , liuing among the Wits , and Braueries too .

DAVP.

I , and being president of 'hem , as he is .

DAW .

There is ARISTOTLE , a mere common place-fellow ; PLATO , a discourser ; THVCIDIDES , and LIVIE , tedious and drie ; TACITVS , an entire knot : sometimes worth the vntying , very seldome .

CLE.

What doe you think of the Poets , sir IOHN ?

DAW .

Not worthy to be nam'd for authors . HOMER , an old tedious prolixe asse , talkes of curriers , and chines of beefe . VIRGIL , of dunging of land , and bees . HORACE , of I know not what .

CLE.

I thinke so .

DAW .

And so PINDARVS , LYCOPHRON , ANACREON , CATVLLVS , SENECA the tragoedian , LVCAN , PROPERTIVS , TIBVLLVS , MARTIAL , IVVENAL , AVSONIVS , STATIVS , POLITIAN , VALERIVS FLACCVS , and the rest —

CLE.

What a sacke full of their names he has got !

DAVP.

And how he poures 'hem out ! POLITIAN , with VALERIVS FLACCVS !

CLE.

Was not the character right , of him ?

DAVP.

As could be made , i' faith .

DAW .

And PERSIVS , a crabbed cockescombe , not to be endur'd .

DAVP.

Why ? whom do you account for authors , sir IOHN DAW ?

DAW .

Syntagma Iuris ciuilis , Corpus Iuris ciuilis , Corpus Iuris canonice , the King of Spaines bible .

DAVP.

Is the King of Spaines bible an author ?

CLE.

Yes , and Syntagma .

DAVP.

What was that Syntagma , sir ?

DAW .

A ciuill lawer , a Spaniard .

DAVP.

Sure , Corpus was a Dutch-man .

CLE.

I , both the Corpusses , I knew 'hem : they were very corpulent authors .

DAW .

And , then there 's VATABLVS , POMPONATIVS , SYMANCHA , the other are not to be receiu'd , within the thought of a scholler .

DAVP.

Fore god , you haue a simple learn'd seruant , lady , in titles .

CLE.

I wonder that hee is not called to the helme , and made a councellor !

DAVP.

He is one extraordinary .

CLE.

Nay , but in ordinarie ! to say truth , the state wants such .

DAVP.

Why , that will follow .

CLE.

I muse , a mistris can be so silent to the dotes of such a seruant .

DAW .

'T is her vertue , sir. I haue written somewhat of her silence too .

DAVP.

In verse , sir IOHN ?

CLE.

What else ?

DAVP.

Why ? how can you iustifie your owne being of a Poet , that so slight all the old Poets ?

DAW .

Why ? euery man , that writes in verse , is not a Poet ; you haue of the Wits , that write verses , and yet are no Poets : they are Poets that liue by it , the poore fellowes that liue by it .

DAVP.

Why ? would not you liue by your verses , sir IOHN .

CLE.

No , 't were pittie he should . A knight liue by his verses ? he did not make 'hem to that ende , I hope .

DAVP.

And yet the noble SIDNEY liues by his , and the noble family not asham'd .

CLE.

I , he profest himselfe ; but sir IOHN DAW has more caution : hee 'll not hinder his owne rising i' the state so much ! doe you thinke hee will ? Your verses , good sir IOHN , and no poems .

DAW . Silence in woman , is like speech in man , Deny 't who can . DAV . Not I , beleeue it : your reason , sir. DAV . Nor , i' st a tale , That female vice should be a vertue male , Or masculine vice , a female vertue be : You shall it see Prou'd with increase , I know to speake , and shee to hold her peace .

Do you conceiue me , gentlemen ?

DAV . No faith , how meane you with increase , sir IOHN ? DAW .

Why , with increase is , when I court her for the comon cause of mankind ; and she sayes nothiug , but consentire videtur : and in time is grauida .

DAVP.

Then , this is a ballad of procreation ?

CLE.

A madrigall of proceation , you mistake .

EPI .

'Pray giue me my verses againe , seruant .

DAW .

If you you 'll aske 'hem aloud , you shal .

CLE.

See , here 's TRVE-WIT againe !

Act II. Scene IIII. CLERIMONT , TRVE-WIT , DAVPHINE , CVTBERD , DAW , EPICOENE .

WHere hast thou beene , in the name of madnesse ! thus accoutred with thy horne ?

TRV.

Where the sound of it might haue pierc'd your senses , with gladnes , had you beene in eare-reach of it . DAVPHINE , fall downe and worship me : I haue forbid the banes , lad . I haue been with thy vertuous vncle , and haue broke the match .

DAVP.

You ha'not , I hope .

TRV.

Yes faith ; and thou shouldst hope otherwise , I should repent me : this horne got me entrance , kisse it . I had no other way to get in , but by faining to be a post ; but when I got in once , I prou'd none , but rather the contrary , turn'd him into a post , or a stone , or what is stiffer , with thundring into him the incommodities of a wife , and the miseries of marriage . If euer GORGON were seene in the shape of a woman , hee hath seene her in my description . I hane put him off o' that sent , for euer . Wby doe you not applaud , and adore me , sirs ? why stand you mute ? Are you stupid ? you are not worthy o' the benefit .

DAVP.

Did not I tell you ? mischiefe ! —

CLE.

I would you had plac'd this benefit somewhere else .

TRV.

Why so ?

CLE.

Slight , you haue done the most inconsiderate , rash , weake thing , that euer man did to his friend .

DAVP.

Friend ! if the most malicious enemy I haue , had studied to inflict an iniury vpon me , it could not bee a greater .

TRV.

Wherein ? for gods-sake ! Gent: come to your selues againe .

DAVP.

But I presag'd thus much afore , to you .

CLE.

Would my lips had beene soldred , when I spak on 't . Slight , what mou'd you to be thus impertinent ?

TRV.

My masters , doe not put on this strange face to pay my courtesie : off with this visor . Haue good turnes done you , and thanke 'hem this way ?

DAVP.

Fore heau'n , you haue vndone me . That , which I haue plotted for , and beene maturing now these foure moneths , you haue blasted in a minute : now I am lost , I may speake . This gentlewoman was lodg'd here by me o 'purpose , and , to be put vpon my vncle , hath profest this obstinate silence for my sake , being my entire friend ; and one , that for the requitall of such a fortune , as to marry him , would haue made mee very ample conditions : where now , all my hopes are vtterly miscaried by this vnlucky accident .

CLE.

Thus 't is , when a man will be ignorantly officious ; doe seruices , and not know his why : I wonder what curteous itch possess'd you ! you neuer did absurder part i' your life , nor a greater trespasse to friendship , to humanity .

DAVP.

Faith , you may forgiue it , best : 't was your cause principally .

DLE .

I know it , would it had not .

CAVP .

How now CVTBERD ? what newes ?

CVT.

The best , the happiest that euer was , sir. There has beene a mad gentleman with your vncle , this morning ( I thinke this be the gentleman ) that has almost talk'd him out of his wits , with threatning him from marriage —

DAVP.

On , I pray thee .

CVT.

And your vnkle , sir , hee thinkes 't was done by your procurement ; therefore he will see the party , you wot of , presently : and if he like her , he sayes , and that she be so inclining to dombe , as I haue told him , he sweares hee will marry her , to day , instantly , and not deferre it a minute longer .

DAVP.

Excellent ! beyond our expectation !

TRV.

Beyond your expectation ? by this light , I knewe it would bee thus .

DAVP.

Nay , sweet TRVE-WIT , forgiue me .

TRV.

No , I was ignorantly officious , impertinent : this was the absurd , weake part .

CLE.

Wilt thou ascribe that to merit , now , was meere fortune ?

TRV.

Fortune ? mere prouidence . Fortune had not a finger in 't . I saw it must necessarily in nature fall out so : my genius is neuer false to me in these things . Shew me , how it could be otherwise .

DAVP.

Nay , gentlemen , contend not , t is well now .

TRV.

Alasse , I let him goe on with inconsiderate , and rash , and what he pleas'd .

CLE.

Away thou strange iustifier of thy selfe , to bee wiser then thou wert , by the euent .

TRV.

Euent ! By this light , thou shalt neuer perswade me , but I foresaw it , aswell as the starres themselues .

DAVP.

Nay , gentlemen , 't is well now : doe you two entertaine sir IOHN DAW , with discourse , while I send her away with instructions .

TRV.

I 'll be acquainted with her , first , by your fauour .

CLE.

Master TRVE-WIT , lady , a friend of ours .

TRV.

I am sorry , I haue not knowne you sooner , lady , to celebrate this rare vertue of your silence .

CLE.

Faith , an' you had come sooner , you should ha'seene , and heard her well celebrated in sir IOHN DAW'S madrigalls .

TRV.

IACK DAW , god saue you , when saw you LA-FOOLE ?

DAW .

Not since last night , master TRVE-WIT .

TRV.

That 's miracle ! I thought you two had beene inseparable .

DAW .

Hee 's gone to inuite his guests .

TRV.

Gods so ! t is true ! what a false memory haue I towards that man ! I am one : I met him e'ne now , vpon that he calls his delicate fine blacke horse , rid into a foame , with poasting from place to place , and person to person , to giue 'hem the cue —

CLE.

Lest they should forget ?

TRV.

Yes : there was neuer poore captaine tooke more paines at a muster to show men , then he , at this meale , to shew friends .

DAW .

It is his quarter-feast , sir.

CLE.

What! doe you say so , sir IOHN ?

TRV.

Nay , IACK DAW will not be out , at the best friends hee has , to the talent of his wit : where 's his mistris , to heare and applaud him ? is she gone !

DAW

Is mistris EPICOENE gone ?

CLE.

Gone afore , with sir DAVPHINE , I warrant , to the place .

TRV.

Gone afore ! that were a manifest iniurie ; a disgrace and a halfe : to refuse him at such a festiuall time , as this , being a Brauery , and a Wit too .

CLE.

Tut , hee 'll swallow it like creame : hee 's better read in iure ciuili , then to esteeme any thing a disgrace is offer'd him from a mistris .

DAW .

Nay , let her eene goe ; she shall sit alone , and bee dumbe in her chamber , a weeke together , for IOHN DAW , I warrant her : do's she refuse me ?

CLE.

No , sir , doe not take it so to heart : shee do's not refuse you , but a little neglect you . Good faith , TRVE-WIT , you were too blame to put it into his head , that shee do's refuse him .

TRV.

Shee do's refuse him , sir , palpably : how euer you mince it . An' I were as hee , I would sweare to speake ne're a word to her , to day , for 't .

DAW .

By this light , no more I will not .

TRV.

Nor to any body else , sir.

DAW .

Nay , I will not say so , gentlemen .

CLE.

It had beene an excellent happy condition for the company , if you could haue drawne him to it .

DAW .

I 'll be very melancholique , i'faith .

CLE.

As a dog , if I were as you , sir IOHN .

TRV.

Or a snaile , or a hog-louse : I would roule my selfe vp for this day , introth , they should not vnwinde me .

DAW .

By this pick-tooth , so I will .

CLE.

'T is well done : he beginnes already to be angry with his teeth .

DAW .

Will you goe , gentlemen ?

CLE.

Nay , you must walke alone , if you bee right melancholique , sir IOHN .

TRV.

Yes sir , wee 'll dog you , wee 'll follow you a farre off .

CLE.

Was there euer such a two yards of knighthood , measur'd out by Time , to be sold to laughter ?

TRV.

A meere talking mole ! hang him : no mushrome was euer so fresh . A fellow so vtterly nothing , as he knowes not what he would be .

CLE.

Let 's follow him : but first , let 's goe to DAVPHINE , hee 's houering about the house , to heare what newes .

TRV.

Content .

Act II. Scene V. MOROSE , EPICOENE , CVTBERD , MVTE. He goes about her , and viewes her .

WElcome CVTBERD ; draw neere with you faire chardge : and , in her eare , softly intreat her to vnmasque ( — ) So. Is the dore shut ? ( — ) inough . Now , CVTBERD , with the same discipline I vse to my family , I will question you . As I conceiue , CVTBERD , this gentlewoman is shee , you haue prouided , and brought , in hope shee will sit me in the place and person of a wife ? Answer me not , but with your leg , vnlesse it be otherwise : ( — ) very well done CVTBERD . I conceiue , besides , CVTBERD , you haue beene pre-acquainted with her birth , education , and quallities , or else you would not preferre her to my acceptance , in the waighty consequence of marriage . ( — ) this I conceiue , CVTBERD . Answer me not but with your leg , vnlesse it bee otherwise . ( — ) Very well done CVTBERD . Giue aside now a little , and leaue me to examine her condition , and aptitude to my affection . Shee is exceeding faire , and of a speciall good fauour ; a sweet composition , or harmony of limmes : her temper of beauty has the true height of my blood . The knaue hath exceedingly wel fitted me without : I will now trie her within . Come neere , faire gentlewoman : let not my behauiour seeme rude , though vnto you , She curtsies . being rare , it may happely appeare strange . ( — ( Nay , lady , you may speake , though CVTBERD , and my man , might not : for , of all sounds , onely , the sweet voice of a faire lady has the iust length of mine eares . I beseech you , say lady , out of the first fire of meeting eyes , ( they say ) loue is stricken : doe you feele any such motion , sodenly shot into you , Curt'sie . from any part you see in me ? ha , lady ? ( — ) Alasse , lady , these answers by silent curt'sies , from you , are too courtlesse , and simple . I haue euer had my breeding in court : and shee that shall bee my wife , must bee accomplished with courtly , and audacious ornaments . Can you speake lady ?

EPI . She speakes softly .

Iudge you , forsooth .

MOR.

What say you , lady ? speake out , I beseech you .

EPI .

Iudge you , forsooth .

MOR. Curt'sie .

O' my iudgement , a diuine softnes ! but can you naturally , lady , as I enioyne these by doctrine & industry , referre your self to the search of my iudgement , and ( not taking pleasure in your tougue , which is a womans chiefest pleasure ) thinke it plausible , to answer me by silent gestures , so long as my speeches iumpe right , with what you conceiue ? ( — ) Excellent ! diuine ! if it were possible she should hold out thus ! Peace CVTBRD , thou art made for euer , as thou hast made mee , if this felicitie haue lasting : but I will trie her further . Deare lady , I am courtly , I tell you , and I must haue mine eares banqueted with pleasant , and wittie conferences , pretty girds , scoffes , and daliance in her , that I meane to choose for my bedpheere . The ladies in court , thinke it a most desperate impaire to their quickenesse of wit , and good carriage , if they cannot giue occasion for a man to court 'hem ; and , when an amorous discourse is set on foot , minister as good matter to continue it , as himselfe : and doe you alone so much differ from all them , that , what they ( with so much circumstance ) affect , and toile for , to seeme learn'd , to seeme iudicious , to seeme sharpe , and conceited , you can bury in your selfe , with silence ? and rather trust your graces to the faire conscience of vertue , then to the worlds , or your owne proclamation ?

EPI .

I should be sorry else .

MOR.

What say you , ladie ? good ladie , speake out .

EPI .

I should be sorrie , else

MOR.

That sorrow doth fill me with gladnesse ! O MOROSE ! thou art happie aboue mankinde ! pray that thou maiest containe thy selfe . I will onely put her to it once more , and it shall be with the vtmost touch , and test of their sexe . But heare me , faire lady , I doe also loue to see her , whom I shall choose for my heicfar , to be the first and principall in all fashions ; praecede all the dames at court , by a fortnight ; haue her counsell of taylors , linneners , lace-women , embroyderers , and sit with 'hem sometimes twise a day , vpon French intelligences ; and then come foorth , varied like Nature , or oftner then she , and better , by the helpe of Art , her aemulous seruant . This doe I affect . And how will you be able , lady , with this frugalitie of speech , to giue the manifold ( but necessarie ) instructions , for that bodies , these sleeues , those skirts , this cut , that stitch , this embroyderie , that lace , this wire , those knots , that ruffe , those roses , this girdle , that fanne , the tother skarfe , these gloues ? ha ! what say you , ladie .

EPI .

I 'll leaue it to you , sir.

MOR.

How lady ? pray you , rise a note .

EPI .

I leaue it to wisdome , and you sir.

MOR.

Admirable creature ! I will trouble you no more : I will not sinne against so sweet a simplicity . Let me now be bold to print on those diuine lips , the seale of being mine . CVTBERD , I giue thee the lease of thy house free : thanke me not , but with thy leg ( — ) I know what thou woulst say , shee 's poore , and her friends deceased ; shee has brought a wealthy dowrie in her silence , CVTBERD : and in respect of her pouerty , CVTBERD , I shall haue her more louing , and obedient , CVTBERD . Goe thy waies , and get me a minister presently , with a soft-low voice to marry vs , and pray him he will not be impertinent , but briefe as he can ; away : softly , CVTBERD . Sirrah , conduct your mistris into the dining roome , your now — mistris . O my felicity ! how I shall bee reueng'd on mine insolent kinsman , and his plots , to fright me from marrying ! This night I will get an heire , and thrust him out of my bloud like a stranger ; he would be knighted , forsooth , and thought by that meanes to raigne ouer me , his title must doe it : no kinsman , I will now make you bring mee the tenth lords , and the sixteenth ladies letter , kinsman ; and it shall doe you no good kinsman . Your knighthood it selfe shall come on it's knees , and it shall be reiected ; it shall bee sued for it's fees to execution , and not bee redeem'd ; it shall cheat at the tweluepeny ordinary , it knighthood , for it's diet all the terme time , and tell tales for it in the vacation , to the hostesse : or it knighthood shall doe worse ; take sanctuary in Coleharbor , and fast . It shall fright all it friends , with borrowing letters ; and when one of the foure-score hath brought it knighthood ten shillings , it knighthood shall go to the Cranes , or the Beare at the Bridge-foot , and be drunk in feare : it shal not haue money to discharge one tauerne reckoning , to inuite the old creditors , to forbeare it knighthood ; or the new , that should be , to trust it knighthood . It shall be the tenth name in the bond , to take vp the commoditie of pipkins , and stone jugs ; and the part thereof shall not furnish it knighthood forth , for the attempting of a bakers widdow , a browne bakers widdow . It shall giue it knighthoods name , for a stallion , to all gamesome citizens wiues , and bee refus'd ; when the master of a dancing schoole , or ( How do you call him ) the worst reueller in the towne is taken : it shall want clothes , and by reason of that , wit , to foole to lawyers . It shall not haue hope to repaire it selfe by Constantinople , Ireland , or Virginia ; but the best , and last fortune to it knighthood shall be , to make DOL TEARE-SHEET , or KATE COMMON , a lady : and so , it knighthood may eate .

Act II. Scene VI. TRVE-WIT , DAVPHINE , CLERIMONT , CVTBERD .

ARe you sure he is not gone by ?

DAVP.

No , I staid in the shop euer since .

CLE.

But , he may take the other end of the lane .

DAVP.

No , I told him I would be here at this end : I appointed him hether .

TRV.

What a barbarian it is to stay then !

DAVP.

Yonder he comes .

CLE.

And his charge left behinde him , which is a very good signe , DAVPHINE .

DAVP.

How now CVTBERD , succeedes it , or no ?

CVT.

Past imagination , sir , omnia secunda ; you could not haue pray'd , to haue had it so wel : Saltat senex , as it is i' the prouerbe , he do's triumph in his felicity ; admires the party ! he has giuen me the lease of my house too ! and , I am now going for a silent minister to marry 'hem , and away .

TRV.

Slight , get one o' the silenc'd ministers , a zealous brother would torment him purely .

CVT.

Cum priuilegio , sir.

DAVP.

O , by no meanes , let 's doe nothing to hinder it now when 't is done and finished , I am for you : for any deuise of vexation .

CVT.

And that shall be , within this halfe houre , vpon my dexterity , gentlemen . Contriue what you can , in the meane time , bonis auibus .

CLE.

How the slaue doth latine it !

TRV.

It would be made a iest to posterity , sirs , this daies mirth , if yee will .

CLE.

Beshrew his heart that will not , I pronounce .

DAVP.

And , for my part . What is 't ?

TRV.

To translate all LA-FOOLES company , and his feast hether , to day , to celebrate this bride-ale .

DAVP.

I mary , but how will 't be done ?

TRV.

I 'll vndertake the directing of all the ladie-guests thether , and then the meat must follow .

CLE.

For gods sake , let 's effect it : it will be an excellent comoedy of affliction , so many seuerall noyses .

DAVP.

But are they not at the other place already , thinke you ?

TRV.

I 'll warrant you for the colledge-honors : one o' their faces has not the priming color laid on yet , nor the other her smocke sleek'd .

CLE.

O , but they 'll rise earlier then ordinary , to a feast .

TRV.

Best goe see , and assure our selues .

CLE.

Who knowes the house ?

TRV.

I 'll lead you , were you neuer there yet ?

DAVP.

Not I.

CLE.

Nor I.

TRV.

Where ha' you liu'd then ? not know TOM OTTER !

CLE.

No : for gods sake , what is he ?

TRV.

An excellent animal , equall with your DAW , or LA-FOOLE , if not transcendent ; and do's latine it as much as your barber : hee is his wifes Subiect , he calls her Princesse , and at such times as these , followes her vp and downe the house like a page , with his hat off , partly for heate , partly for reuerence . At this instant , hee is marshalling of his bull , beare , and horse .

DAVP.

What be those , in the name of Sphinx ?

TRV.

Why sir ? hee has beene a great man at the beare-garden in his time : and from that subtle sport , has tane the witty denomination of his chiefe carousing cups . One he calls his bull , another his beare , another his horse . And then hee has his lesser glasses , that hee calls his deere , and his ape ; and seuerall degrees of 'hem too : and neuer is well , nor thinkes any intertainement perfect , till these be brought out , and set o' the cupbord .

CLE.

For gods loue ! we should misse this , if we should not goe .

TRV.

Nay , he has a thousand things as good , that will speake him all day . He will raile on his wife , with certaine common places , behinde her backe ; and to her face —

DAVP.

No more of him . Let 's goe see him , I petition you .

Act III.
Scene I. OTTER , M rs . OTTER , TRVE-WIT , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE .

NAy , good Princesse , heare me pauca verba .

M rs . OT .

By that light , I 'll ha' you chain'd vp , with your bul-dogs , and beare-dogges , if you be not ciuill the sooner . I 'll send you to kennell , i'faith . You were best baite me with your bull , beare , and horse ? Neuer a time , that the courtiers , or collegiates come to the house , but you make it a shrouetuesday ! I would haue you get your whitsontide-veluet-cap , and your staffe i' your hand , to intertaine 'hem : yes introth , doe .

OTT.

Not so , Princesse , neither , but vnder correction , sweete Princesse , gi' me leaue — these things I am knowne to the courtiers by . It is reported to them for my humor , and they receiue it so , and doe expect it . TOM OTTERS bull , beare , and horse is knowne all ouer England , in rerum natura .

M rs . OT .

Fore me , I wil na-ture 'hem ouer to Paris-garden , and na-ture you thether too , if you pronounce 'hem againe . Is a beare a fit beast , or a bull , to mixe in society with great ladies ? thinke i' your discretion , in any good politie .

OTT.

The horse then , good Princesse .

M rs OT .

Well , I am contented for the horse : they loue to bee well hors'd , I know . I loue it my selfe .

OTT.

And it is a delicate fine horse this . Poetarum Pegasus . Vnder correction , Princesse , IVPITER did turne himselfe into a — Taurus , or Bull , vnder correction , good Princesse .

M rs . OT .

By my integritie , I 'll send you ouer to the banke-side , I 'll commit you to the Master of the garden , if I heare but a syllable more . Must my house , or my roofe , be polluted with the sent of beares , and buls , when it is perfum'd for great ladies ? Is this according to the instrument , when I married you ? That I would bee Princesse , and raigne in mine owne house : and you would be my subiect , and obay me ? What did you bring me , should make you thus peremptory ? Do I allow you your halfe-crowne a day , to spend , where you will , among your gamsters , to vexe and torment me , at such times as these ? Who giues you your maintenance , I pray you ? who allowes you your horse-meat , and mans-meat ? your three sutes of apparell a yeere ? your foure paire of stockings , one silke , three worsted ? your cleane linnen , your bands , and cuffes when I can get you to weare 'hem ? 'T is mar'l you ha 'hem on now . Who graces you with courtiers , or great personages , to speake to you out of their coaches , and come home to your house ? Were you euer so much as look'd vpon by a lord , or a lady , before I married you : but on the Easter or Whitson-holy-daies ? and then out at the banquetting-house windore , when NED WHITING , or GEORGE STONE , were at the stake ?

( TRV.

For gods sake , let 's goe staue her off him . )

M rs . OT .

Answere me to that . And did not I take you vp from thence , in an old greasie buffe-doublet , with points ; and greene vellet sleeues , out at the elbowes ? you forget this .

( TRV.

Shee 'll worry him , if we helpe not in time . )

M rs . OT .

O , here are some o' the gallants ! Goe to , behaue your selfe distinctly , and with good moralitie ; Or , I protest , I 'll take away your exhibition .

Act. III. Scene II. TRVE-WIT , M rs . OTTER , CAP. OTTER , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE , CVTBERD .

BY your leaue , faire mistris OTTER , I 'll be bold to enter these gentlemen in your acquaintance .

M rs . OT .

It shall not be obnoxious , or difficill , sir.

TRV.

How do's my noble Captaine ? Is the bull , beare , and horse , in rerum natura still ?

OTT.

Sir , Sic visum superis .

M rs . OT .

I would you would but intimate 'hem , doe . Goe your waies in , and get tosts , and butter , made for the wood-cocks . That 's a sit prouince for you .

CLE.

Alas , what a tyrannie , is this poore fellow married too .

TRV.

O , but the sport will be anon , when we get him loose .

DAV .

Dares he euer speake ?

TRV.

No Anabaptist euer rail'd with the like licence : but marke her language in the meane time , I beseech you .

M rs . OT .

Gentlemen , you are very aptly come . My cosin , sir AMOROVS , will be here briefly .

TRV.

In good time lady . Was not sir IOHN DAW here , to aske for him , and the companie ?

M rs . OT .

I cannot assure you , Mr. TRVE-WIT . Here was a very melancholy knight in a ruffe , that demanded my subiect for some body , a gentleman , I thinke .

CLE.

I , that was he , lady .

M rs . OT .

But he departed straight , I can resolue you .

DAV .

What an excellent choice phrase , this lady expresses in !

TRV.

O , sir ! shee is the onely authenticall courtier , that is not naturally bred one , in the citie .

M rs . OT .

You haue taken that report vpon trust , gentlemen .

TRV.

No , I assure you , the court gouernes it so , lady , in your behalfe .

M rs . OT .

I am the seruant of the court , and courtiers , sir.

TRV.

They are rather your idolaters .

M rs . OT .

Not so , sir.

DAV .

How now , CVTBERD ? Any crosse ?

CVT.

O , no sir : Omnia bene . 'T was neuer better o' the hinges , all 's sure . I haue so pleas'd him with a curate , that hee 's gone too 't almost with the delight he hopes for soone .

DAV .

What is he , for a vicar ?

CVT.

One that has catch'd a cold , sir , and can scarse bee heard sixe inches off ; as if he spoke out of a bull-rush , that were not pickt , or his throat were full of pith : a fine quick fellow , and an excellent barber of prayers . I came to tell you , sir , that you might omnem mouere lapidem ( as they say ) be readie with your vexation .

DAV .

Gramercy , honest CVTBERD , be there abouts with thy key to let vs in .

CVT.

I will not faile you , sir : Ad manum .

TRV.

Well , I 'll goe watch my coaches .

CLE.

Doe ; and wee 'll send DAW to you , if you meet him not .

M rs . OT .

Is master TRVE-WIT gone ?

DAV .

Yes , lady , there is some vnfortnnate businesse fallen out .

M rs . OT .

So I iudg'd by the phisiognomy of the fellow , that came in ; and I had a dreame last night too of the new pageant , and my lady Maioresse , which is alwaies very ominous to me . I told it my lady HAVGHTY t'other day ; when her honour came hether to see some China stuffes : and shee expounded it , out of ARTEMIDORVS , and I haue found it since very true . It has done me many affronts .

CLE.

Your dreame , lady ?

M rs . OT .

Yes , sir , anything I doe but dreame o' the city . It staynd me a damasque table-cloth , cost me eighteen pound at one time ; and burnt me a blacke satten gowne , as I stood by the fire , at my ladie CENTAVRES chamber in the colledge , another time . A third time , at the Lords masque , it dropt all my wire , and my ruffe with waxe-candle , that I could not goe vp to the banquet . A fourth time , as I was taking coach to goe to Ware , to meet a friend , it dash'd me a new sute all ouer ( a crimson sattin doublet , and blacke veluet skirts ) with a brewers horse , that I was faine to goe in and shift mee , and kept my chamber a leash of daies for the anguish of it .

DAVP.

These were dire mischances , lady .

CLE.

I would not dwell in the citie , and 't were so fatall to mee .

M rs . OT .

Yes sir , but I doe take aduise of my doctor , to dreame of it as little , as I can .

DAVP.

You doe well , mistris OTTER .

Mrs. OT .

Will it please you to enter the house farther , gentlemen ?

DAVP.

And your fauour , lady : but we stay to speake with a knight , sir IOHN DAW , who is here come . We shall follow you , lady .

M rs . OT .

At your owne time , sir. It is my cosen sir AMOROVS his feast . —

DAVP.

I know it lady .

M rs . OT .

And mine together . But it is for his honour ; and therefore I take no name of it , more then of the place .

DAVP.

You are a bounteous kinswoman .

M rs . OT .

Your seruant , sir.

Act III. Scene III. CLERIMONT , DAW , LA-FOOLE , DAVPHINE , OTTER .

WHy doe not you know it , sir IOHN DAW ?

DAW .

No , I am a rooke if I doe .

CLE.

I 'll tell you then , shee 's married by this time ! And whereas you were put i' the head , that shee was gone with sir DAVPHINE , I assure you , sir DAVPHINE has beene the noblest , honestest friend to you , that euer gentleman of your quality could boast off . He has discouer'd the whole plot , and made your mistris so acknowledging , and indeed , so ashamed of her iniurie to you , that she desires you to forgiue her , and but grace her wedding with your presence to day — She is to be married to a very good fortune , she saies , his vnkle , old MOROSE : and she will'd me in priuate to tell you , that she shall be able to doe you more fauours , and with more securitie now , then before .

DAW .

Did she say so , i'faith ?

CLE.

Why , what doe you thinke of mee , sir IOHN ! aske sir DAVPHINE .

DAVP.

Nay , I beleeue you . Good sir DAVPHINE , did shee desire mee to forgiue her ?

CLE.

I assure you , sir IOHN , she did .

DAW .

Nay then , I doe with all my heart , and I 'll be iouiall .

CLE.

Yes , for looke you sir , this was the iniury to you . LA-FOOLE intended this feast to honour her bridale day , and made you the propertie to inuite the colledge ladies , and promise to bring her : and then at the time , shee should haue appear'd ( as his friend ) to haue giuen you the dor. Whereas now , sir DAVPHINE has brought her to a feeling of it , with this kinde of satisfaction , that you shall bring all the ladies to the place where shee is , and be verie iouiall ; and there , shee will haue a dinner , which shall be in your name : and so dis-appoint LA-FOOLE , to make you good againe , and ( as it were ) a sauer i' the man .

DAW .

As I am a knight , I honour her , and forgiue her hartily .

CLE.

About it then presently , TRVE-WIT is gone before to confront the coaches , and to acquaint you with so much , if hee meet you . Ioyne with him , and 't is well . See , here comes your Antagonist , but take you no notice , but be verie iouiall .

LA-F.

Are the ladies come , sir IOHN DAW , and your mistris ? sir DAVPHINE ! you are exceeding welcome , and honest master CLERIMONT . Where 's my cossen ? did you see no collegiats , gentlemen ?

DAVP.

Collegiats ! Doe you not heare , sir AMOROVS , how you are abus'd ?

LA-F.

How sir !

CLE.

Will you speake so kindly to sir IOHN DAW , that has done you such an affront ?

LA-F.

Wherein , gentlemen ? let me be a sutor to you to know , I beseech you !

CLE.

Why sir , his mistris is married to day , to sir DAVPHINES vncle , your cosens neighbour , and hee has diuerted all the ladies , and all your company thether , to frustrate your provision , and sticke a digrace vpon you . He was here , now , to haue intic'd vs away from you too : but we told him his owne , I thinke .

LA-F.

Has sir IOHN DAW wrong'd me so in-humanely ?

DAV .

He has done it , sir AMOROVS , most maliciously , and trecherously : but if you 'll be rul'd by vs , you shall quit him i' faith .

LA-F.

Good gentlemen ! I 'll make one , beleeue it . How I pray ?

DAV .

Mary sir , get me your phesants , and your godwits , and your best meat , and dish it in siluer dishes of your cosens presently , and say nothing , but clap mee a cleane towell about you , like a sewer ; and bare-headed , march afore it with a good confidence ( 't is but ouer the way , hard by ) and we 'll second you , where you shal set it o' the boord , and bid 'hem welcome to 't , which shall show 't is yours , and disgrace his preparation vtterly : and , for your cosen , whereas shee should bee troubled here at home with care of making and giuing welcome , shee shall transferre all that labour thether , and bee a principall guest her selfe , sit rank'd with the colledge-Honors , and bee honor'd , and haue her health drunke as often , as bare , and as lowd as the best of 'hem .

LA-F.

I 'll goe tell her presently . It shall be done , that 's resolu'd .

CLE.

I thought he would not heare it out , but 't would take him .

DAVP.

Well , there be guests , & meat now ; how shal we do for musique ?

CLE.

The smell of the venison , going through the street , will inuite one noyse of fidlers , or other .

DAVP :

I would it would call the trumpeters thether .

CLE.

Faith , there is hope , they haue intelligence of all feasts . There 's good correspondence betwixt them , and the London-cookes . 'T is twenty to one but we haue 'hem .

DAVP.

'T will be a most solemne day for my vncle , and an excellent fit of mirth for vs.

CLE.

I , if we can hold vp the aemulation betwixt FOOLE , and DAW , and neuer bring them to expostulate .

DAVP.

Tut , flatter 'hem both ( as TRVE-WIT sayes ) and you may take their vnderstandings in a purse-net . They 'll beleeue themselues to be iust such men as we make 'hem , neither more nor lesse . They haue nothing , not the vse of their senses , but by tradition .

CLE. He enters like a sewer .

See! Sir AMOROVS has his towell on already . Haue you perswaded your cossen ?

LA-F.

Yes , 't is verie faesible : shee 'll do any thing she sayes , rather then the LA-FOOLES shall be disgrac'd .

DAVP.

She is a noble kinswoman . It will be such a pest'ling deuice , sir AMOROVS ! It will pound all your enemies practises to poulder , and blow him vp with his owne mine , his owne traine .

LA-F.

Nay , wee 'll giue fire , I warrant you .

CLE.

But you must carry it priuatly , without any noyse , and take no notice by any meanes —

OTT.

Gentlemen , my Princesse sayes , you shall haue all her siluer dishes , festinate : and she 's gone to alter her tyre a little , and go with you —

CLE.

And yourselfe too , captaine OTTER .

DAVP.

By any meanes , sir.

OTT.

Yes sir , I doe meane it : but I would entreate my cosen sir AMOROVS , and you gentlemen , to be sutors to my Princesse , that I may carry my bull , and my beare , as well as my horse .

CLE.

That you shall doe , captaine OTTER .

LA-F.

My cosen will neuer consent , gentlemen .

DAVP.

She must consent , sir AMOROVS , to reason .

LA-F.

Why , she sayes they are no decorum among ladies .

OTT.

But they are decora , and that 's better , sir.

CLE.

I , shee must heare argument . Did not PASIPHAE , who was a queene , loue a bull ? and was not CALISTO , the mother of ARCAS , turn'd into a beare , and made a starre , mistris VRSVLA , i' the heauens ?

OTT.

O God ! that I could ha' said as much ! I will haue these stories painted i' the beare-garden , ex Ouidij metamorphosi .

DAVP.

Where is your Princesse , Captaine ? pray' be our leader .

OTT.

That I shall , sir.

CLE.

Make haste , good sir AMOROVS .

Act III. Scene IIII. MOROSE , EPICOENE , PARSON , CVTBERD .

SIr , there 's an angel for your selfe , and a brace of angels for your cold . Muse not at this mannage of my bounty . It is fit wee should thanke fortune , double to nature , for any benefit she conferres vpon vs ; besides , it is your imperfection , but my solace .

PAR. The parson speakes , as hauing a cold .

I thanke your worship , so is it mine , now .

MOR.

What sayes he , CVTBERD ?

CVT.

He saies , Praesto , sir , whensoeuer your worship needes him , hee can be ready with the like . He got this cold with sitting vp late , and singing catches with cloth-workers .

MOR.

No more . I thanke him .

PAR. He coughes .

God keepe your worship , and giue you much ioy with your faire spouse . ( Vmh , vmh . )

MOR.

O , Ô , stay CVTBERD ! let him giue me fiue shillings of my money backe . As it is bounty to reward benefits , so is it equity to mulct iniuries . I will haue it . What sayes he ?

CVT.

He cannot change it , sir.

MOR.

It must be chang'd .

CVT.

Cough againe .

MOR.

What sayes he ?

CVT.

He will cough out the rest , sir.

PAR. Againe .

( Vmh , vmh , vmh . )

MOR.

Away , away with him , stop his mouth , away , I forgiue it . —

EPI .

Fye , master MOROSE , that you will vse this violence to a man of the church .

MOR.

How !

EPI .

It do's not become your grauity , or breeding , ( as you pretend in court ) to haue offer'd this outrage on a water-man , or any more boystrous creature , much lesse on a man of his ciuill coat .

MOR.

You can speake then !

EPI .

Yes , sir.

MOR.

Speake out I meane .

EPI .

I sir. Why , did you thinke you had married a statue ? or a motion , onely ? one of the French puppets , with the eyes turn'd with a wire ? or some innocent out of the hospitall , that would stand with her hands thus , and a playse mouth , and looke vpon you .

MOR.

O immodestie ! a manifest woman ! what CVTBERD ?

EPI .

Nay , neuer quarrell with CVTBERD , sir , it is too late now . I confesse , it doth bate somewhat of the modestie I had , when I writ simply maide : but I hope , I shall make it a stocke still competent , to the estate , and dignity of your wife .

MOR.

Shee can talke !

EPI .

Yes indeed , sir.

MOR.

What , sirrah . None of my knaues , there ? where is this impostor , CVTBERD ?

EPI .

Speake to him , fellow , speake to him . I 'll haue none of this coacted , vnnaturall dumbnesse in my house , in a family where I gouerne .

MOR.

She is my Regent already ! I haue married a PENTHESILEA , a SEMIRAMIS , sold my liberty to a distaffe !

Act III. Scene V. TRVE-WIT , MOROSE , EPICOENE

WHere 's master MOROSE ?

MOR.

Is he come againe ! lord haue mercy vpon me .

TRV.

I wish you all ioy , mistris EPICOENE , with your graue and honourable match .

EPI .

I returne you the thankes , master TRVE-WIT , so friendly a wish deserues .

MOR.

She has acquaintance , too !

TRV

God saue you , sir , and giue you all contentment in your faire choise , here . Before I was the bird of night to you , the owle but now I am the messenger of peace , a doue , and bring you the glad wishes of many friends , to the celebration of this good houre .

MOR.

What houre , sir ?

TRV.

Your marriage houre sir. I commend your resolution , that ( notwithstanding all the dangers I laid afore you , in the voice of a night-crow ) would yet goe on , and bee your selfe . It shewes you are a man constant to your own ends , and vpright to your purposes , that would not be put off with left-handed cries .

MOR.

How should you arriue at the knowledge of so much !

TRV.

Why , did you euer hope , sir , committing the secrecie of it to a barber , that lesse then the whole towne should know it ? you might as well ha' told it the conduit , or the bake-house , or the infant'ry that follow the court , and with more securitie . Could your grauitie forget so olde and noted a remnant , as lippis & tonsoribus notum . Well sir , forgiue it your selfe now , the fault , and be communicable with your friends . Here will bee three or foure fashionable ladies , from the colledge to visit you presently , and their traine of minions , and followers .

MOR.

Barre my dores ! barre my dores ! where are all my eaters ? my mouthes now ? barre vp my dores , you varlets .

EPI .

He is a varlet , that stirres to such an office . Let 'hem stand open . I would see him that dares mooue his eyes toward it . Shal I haue a barricado made against my friends , to be barr'd of any pleasure they can bring in to me with honorable visitation .

MOR.

O Amazonian impudence !

TRV.

Nay faith , in this , sir , she speakes but reason : and me thinkes is more continent then you . Would you goe to bed so presently , sir , afore noone ? a man of your head , and haire , should owe more to that reueuerend ceremony , and not mount the marriage-bed , like a towne-bul , or a mountaine-goate ; but stay the due season ; and ascend it then with religion , and feare . Those delights are to be steep'd in the humor , and silence of the night ; and giue the day to other open pleasures , and jollities of feast , or musique , of reuells , of discourse : wee 'll haue all , sir , that may make your Hymen high , and happy .

MOR.

O , my torment , my torment !

TRV.

Nay , if you indure the first halfe houre , sir , so tediously , and with this irksomnesse ; what comfort , or hope , can this faire gentlewoman make to her selfe hereafter , in the consideration of so many yeeres as are to come —

MOR.

Of my affliction . Good sir , depart , and let her doe it alone .

TRV.

I haue done , sir.

MOR.

That cursed barber !

TRV.

( Yes faith , a cursed wretch indeed , sir. )

MOR.

I haue married his citterne , that 's common to all men . Some plague , aboue the plague —

TRV.

( All Egypts ten plagues )

MOR.

Reuenge me on him .

TRV.

'T is very well , sir. If you laid on a curse or two , more , I 'll assure you hee 'll beare 'hem . As , that he may get the poxe with seeking to cure it , sir ? Or , that while he is curling another mans haire , his owne may drop off ? Or , for burning some male-baudes lock , he may haue his braine beat out with the curling-iron ?

MOR.

No , let the wretch liue wretched . May he get the itch , and his shop so lousie , as no man dare come at him , nor he come at no man .

TRV.

( I , and if he would swallow all his balles for pills , let not them purge him )

MOR.

Let his warning pan be euer cold .

TRV.

( A perpertuall frost vnderneath it , sir )

MOR.

Let him neuer hope to see fire againe .

TRV.

( But in hell , sir )

MOR.

His chaires be alwaies empty , his scissors rust , and his combes mould in their cases .

TRV.

Very dreadfull that ! ( And may hee loose the inuention , sir , of caruing lanternes in paper )

MOR.

Let there be no baud carted that yeere , to employ a bason of his : but let him be glad to eate his sponge , for bread .

TRV.

And drinke lotium to it , and much good doe him .

MOR.

Or , for want of bread —

TRV.

Eat eare-waxe , sir. I 'll helpe you . Or , draw his owne teeth , and adde them to the lute-string .

MOR.

No , beate the old ones to poulder , and make bread of them .

TRV.

( Yes , make meale o' the millstones . )

MOR.

May all the botches , and burnes , that he has cur'd on others , breake out vpon him .

TRV.

And he now forget the cure of 'hem in himselfe , sir : or , if he do remember it , let him ha' scrap'd all his linnen into lint for 't , and haue not a rag left him , to set vp with .

MOR.

Let him neuer set vp againe , but haue the gout in his hands for euer . Now , no more , sir.

TRV.

O that last was too high set ! you might goe lesse with him i'faith , and bee reueng'd enough : as , that he be neuer able to new-paint his pole —

MOR.

Good sir , no more . I forgot my selfe .

TRV.

Or , want credit to take vp with a combe-maker —

MOR.

No more , sir.

TRV.

Or , hauing broken his glasse in a former despaire , fall now into a much greater , of euer getting another —

MOR.

I beseech you , no more .

TRV.

Or , that he neuer be trusted with trimming of any but chimney-sweepers —

MOR.

Sir —

TRV.

Or , may he cut a colliers throat with his rasor , by chance-medlee , and yet hang for 't .

MOR.

I will forgiue him , rather then heare any more . I beseech you , sir.

Act III. Scene VI. DAW , MOROSE , TRVE-WIT , HAVGHTY , CENTAVRE , MAVIS , TRVSTY .

THis way , madame .

MOR.

O , the sea breakes in vpon me ! another floud ! an inundation ! I shall be orewhelm'd with noise . It beates already at my shores . I feele an earthquake in my selfe , for't .

DAW .

'Giue you ioy , mistresse .

MOR.

Has shee seruants too !

DAW . She kisses them seuerally as he presents them .

I haue brought some ladies here to see , and know you . My ladie HAVGHTY , this my lady CENTAVRE , mistresse DOL MAVIS , mistresse TRVSTIE my ladie HAVGHTIES woman . Where 's your husband ? let 's see him : can he endure no noise ? let me come to him .

MOR.

What nomenclator is this !

TRV.

Sir IOHN DAW , sir , your wifes seruant , this .

MOR.

A DAW , and her seruant ! O , 't is decreed , 't is decreed of mee , and shee haue such seruants .

TRV.

Nay sir , you must kisse the ladies , you must not goe away , now ; they come toward you , to seeke you out .

HAV.

I'faith , master MOROSE , would you steale a marriage thus , in the midst of so many friends , and not acquaint vs ? Well , I 'll kisse you , notwithstanding the iustice of my quarrell : you shall giue me leaue , mistresse , to vse a becomming familiarity with your husband .

EPI .

Your ladiship do's me an honour in it , to let me know hee is so worthy your fauour : as , you haue done both him and me grace , to visit so vnprepar'd a paire to entertaine you .

MOR.

Complement ! complement !

EPI .

But I must lay the burden of that , vpon my seruant , here .

HAV.

It shall not need , mistresse MOROSE , we will all beare , rather then one shall be opprest .

MOR.

I know it : and you will teach her the faculty , if shee bee to learne it .

HAV.

Is this the silent woman ?

CEN.

Nay , shee has found her tongue since shee was married , master TRVE-WIT sayes .

HAV.

O , master TRVE-WIT ! 'saue you . What kinde of creature is your bride here ? she speakes , me thinkes !

TRV.

Yes madame , beleeue it , she is a gentlewoman of very absolute behauiour , and of a good race .

HAV.

And IACK DAW told vs , she could not speake .

TRV.

So it was carried in plot , madam , to put her vpon this old fellow , by sir DAVPHINE , his nephew , and one or two more of vs : but shee is a woman of an excellent assurance , and an extraordinarie happie wit , and tongue . You shall see her make rare sport with DAW , ere night .

HAV.

And he brought vs to laugh at her !

TRV.

That falls out often , madame , that he that thinkes himselfe the master-wit , is the master-foole . I assure your lady-ship , yee cannot laugh at her .

HAV.

No , well haue her to the colledge : and shee haue wit , she shall bee one of vs ! shall shee not CENTAVRE ? wee 'll make her a collegiate .

CEN.

Yes faith , madame , and MAVIS , and shee will set vp a side .

TRV.

Beleeue it madame , and mistris MAVIS , shee will sustaine her part .

MAV .

I 'll tell you that , when I haue talk'd with her , and try'd her .

HAV.

Vse her very ciuilly , MAVIS .

MAV .

So I will , madame .

MOR.

Blessed minute , that they would whisper thus euer .

TRV.

In the meane time , madame , would but your lady-ship helpe to vexe him a little : you know his disease , talke to him about the wedding ceremonies , or call for your gloues , or —

HAV.

Let me alone . CENTAVRE , helpe me . Mr. bride-groome , where are you ?

MOR.

O , it was too miraculously good to last !

HAV.

Wee see no ensignes of a wedding , here ; no character of a brideale : where be our skarfes , and our gloues ? I pray you , giue 'hem vs. Let 's know your brides colours , and yours , at least .

CEN.

Alas , madame , he has prouided none .

MOR.

Had I knowne your ladiships painter , I would .

HAV.

He has giuen it you , CENTAVRE , yfaith . But , doe you heare , M. MOROSE , a iest will not absolue you in this manner . You that haue suck'd the milke of the court , and from thence haue beene brought vp to the very strong meates , and wine , of it ; beene a courtier from the biggen , to the night-cap : ( as we may say ) and you , to offend in such a high point of ceremonie , as this ! and let your nuptialls want all markes of solemnitie ! How much plate haue you lost to day ( if you had but regarded your profit ) what guifts , what friends , through your meere rusticitie ?

MOR.

Madame —

HAV.

Pardon mee , sir , I must insinuate your errours to you . No gloues ? no garters ? no skarfes ? no epithalamium ? no masque ?

DAW .

Yes , madame , I 'll make an epithalamium , I promis'd my mistris , I haue begunne it already : will your ladiship heare it ?

HAV.

I , good IACK DAW .

MOR.

Will it please your ladiship command a chamber , and be priuate with your friend ? you shall haue your choice of roomes , to retire to after : my whole house is yours . I know , it hath beene your ladiships errand , into the city , at other times , how euer now you haue beene vnhappily diuerted vpon mee : but I shall be loth to breake any honorable custome of your ladiships . And therefore , good madame —

EPI .

Come , you are a rude bride-groome , to entertayne ladies of honour in this fashion .

CEN.

He is a rude groome , indeed .

TRV.

By that light , you deserue to be grafted , and haue your hornes reach from one side of the Iland , to the other . Doe not mistake me , sir , I but speake this , to giue the ladies some heart againe , not for any malice to you .

MOR.

Is this your Brauo , ladies ?

TRV.

As god helpe me , if you vtter such another word , I 'll take mistris bride in , and beginne to you , in a very sad cup , doe you see ? Goe too , know your friends , and such , as loue you .

Act III. Scene VII . CLERIMONT , MOROSE , TRVE-WIT , DAVPHINE , LA-FOOLE , OTTER , M rs . OTTER , &c. Musique of all sorts .

BY your leaue , ladies . Doe you want any musique ? I haue brought you varietie of noyses . Play , sirs , all of you .

MOR.

O , a plot , a plot , a plot , a plot vpon me ! This day , I shall be their anvile to worke on , they will grate me asunder . 'T is worse then the noyse of a saw .

CLE.

No , they are haire , rosin , and guts . I can giue you the receipt .

TRV.

Peace , boyes .

CLE.

Play , I say .

TRV. La-Foole passes ouer sewing the meate .

Peace , rascalls . You see who 's your friend now , sir ? Take courage , put on a martyrs resolution . Mocke downe all their attemptings , with patience . 'T is but a day , and I would suffer heroically . Should an asse exceed me in fortitude ? No. You betray your infirmitie with your hanging dull eares , and make them insult : beare vp brauely , and constantly . Looke you here , sir , what honour is done you vnexpected , by your nephew ; a wedding dinner come , and a Knight sewer before it , for the more reputation : and fine M rs . OTTER , your neighbour , in the rump , or tayle of it .

MOR.

Is that Gorgon , that Medusa come ? Hide me , hide me .

TRV.

I warrant you , sir , shee will not transforme you . Looke vpon her with a good courage . Pray you entertayne her , and conduct your guests in . No ? Mistris bride , will you entreat in the ladies ? your bridegroome is so shame-fac'd , here —

EPI .

Will it please your ladiship , madame ?

HAV.

With the benefit of your companie , mistris .

EPI .

Seruant , pray you performe your duties .

DAW .

And glad to be commanded , mistris .

CEN.

How like you her wit , MAVIS .

MAV .

Very prettily , absolutely well .

M rs . OT .

'T is my place .

MAV .

You shall pardon me , mistris OTTER .

M rs . OT .

Why I am a collegiate .

MAV .

But not in ordinary .

M rs OT .

But I am .

MAV .

Wee 'll dispute that within .

CLE.

Would this had lasted a little longer .

TRV.

And that they had sent for the Heralds . Captayne OTTER , what newes ?

OTT.

I haue brought my bull , beare , and horse , in priuate , and yonder are the trumpetters without , and the drum , gentlemen .

MOR. The Drum , and Trumpets sound .

O , Ô , Ô.

OTT.

And we will haue a rouse in each of 'hem , anon , for bold Britons , yfaith .

MOR.

O , Ô , Ô.

ALL.

Follow , follow , follow .

Act IIII.
Scene I. TRVE-WIT , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE .

WAs there euer poore bride-groome so tormented ? or man indeed ?

CLE.

I haue not read of the like , in the chronicles of the land .

TRV.

Sure , hee cannot but goe to a place of rest , after all this purgatorie .

CLE.

He may presume it , I thinke .

TRV.

The spitting , the coughing , the laughter , the neesing , the farting , dauncing , noise of the musique , and her masculine , and lowd commanding , and vrging the whole family , makes him thinke he has married a furie .

CLE.

And shee carries it vp brauely .

TRV.

I , shee takes any occasion to speake : that 's the height on 't .

CLE.

And how soberly DAVPHINE labours to satisfie him , that it was none of his plot !

TRV.

And has almost brought him to the faith , i' the article . Here he comes . Where is he now ? what 's become of him , DAVPHINE ?

DAV .

O , hold me vp a little , I shall goe away i' the iest else . Hee has got on his whole nest of night-caps , and lock'd himselfe vp , i' the top o' the house , as high , as euer he can climbe from the noise . I peep'd in at a crany , and saw him fitting ouer a crosse-beame o' the roofe , like him o' the sadlers horse in Fleetstreet , vp-right : and he will sleepe there .

CLE.

But where are your collegiates ?

DAV .

With-drawne with the bride in priuate .

TRV.

O , they are instructing her i' the colledge-Grammar . If shee haue grace with them , shee knowes all their secrets instantly .

CLE.

Methinks , the lady HAVGHTY lookes well to day , for all my dispraise of her i' the morning . I thinke , I shall come about to thee againe , TRVE-WIT .

TRV.

Beleeue it , I told you right . Women ought to repaire the losses , time and yeeres haue made i' their features , with dressings . And an intelligent woman , if shee know by her selfe the least defect , will bee most curious , to hide it : and it becomes her . If shee be short , let her sit much , lest when shee stands , shee be thought to sit . If shee haue an ill foot , let her weare her gowne the longer , and her shoo the thinner . If a fat hand , and scald nailes , let her carue the lesse , and act in gloues . If a sowre breath , let her neuer discourse fasting : and alwaies talke at her distance . If shee haue black and rugged teeth , let her offer the lesse at laughter , especially if shee laugh wide , and open .

CLE.

O , you shall haue some women , when they laugh , you would thinke they bray'd , it is so rude , and —

TRV.

I , and others , that will stalke i' their gait like an Estrich , and take huge strides . I cannot endure such a sight . I loue measure i' the feet , and number i' the voice : they are gentlenesses , that oft-times draw no lesse then the face .

DAV .

How cam'st thou to studie these creatures so exactly ? I would thou would'st make me a proficient .

TRV.

Yes , but you must leaue to liue i' your chamber then a month together vpon AMADIS de Gaule , or Don QVIXOTE , as you are wont ; and come abroad where the matter is frequent , to court , to tiltings , publique showes , and feasts , to playes , and church sometimes : thither they come to shew their new tyres too , to see , and to be seene . In these places a man shall find whom to loue , whom to play with , whom to touch once , whom to hold euer . The varietie arrests his iudgement . A wench to please a man comes not downe dropping from the seeling , as he lyes on his backe droning a tobacco pipe . He must goe where shee is .

DAV .

Yes , and be neuer the neere .

TRV.

Out heretique . That diffidence makes thee worthy it should bee so .

CLE.

He sayes true to you , DAVPHINE .

DAV .

Why ?

TRV.

A man should not doubt to ouer-come any woman . Thinke he can vanquish 'hem , and he shall : for though they denie , their desire is to be tempted . PENELOPE her selfe cannot hold out long . Ostend , you saw , was taken at last . You must perseuer , and hold to your purpose . They would sollicite vs , but that they are afraid . Howsoeuer , they wish in their hearts we should sollicite them . Praise 'hem , flatter 'hem , you shal neuer want eloquence , or trust : euen the chastest delight to feele themselues that way rub'd . With praises you must mixe kisses too . If they take them , they 'll take more . Though they striue , they would bee ouer-come .

CLE.

O , but a man must beware of force .

TRV.

It is to them an acceptable violence , and has oft-times the place of the greatest courtesie . Shee that might haue beene forc'd , and you let her goe free without touching , though shee then seeme to thanke you , will euer hate you after : and glad i' the face , is assuredly sad at the heart .

CLE.

But all women are not to be taken alwaies .

TRV.

'T is true . No more then all birds , or all fishes . If you appeare learned to an ignorant wench , or iocund to a sad , or witty to a foolish , why shee presently begins to mistrust her selfe . You must approch them i' their owne height , their owne line : for the contrary makes many that feare to commit themselues to noble and worthy fellowes , run into the imbraces of a rascall . If shee loue wit , giue verses , though you borrow 'hem of a friend , or buy 'hem , to haue good . If valour , talke of your sword , and be frequent in the mention of quarrels , though you be staunch in fighting . If actiuitie , be seene o' your barbary often , or leaping ouer stooles , for the credit of your back . If shee loue good clothes or dressing , haue your learned counsell about you euery morning , your french taylor , barber , linnener , &c. Let your poulder , your glasse , and your combe , be your dearest acquaintance . Take more care for the ornament of your head , then the safetie : and wish the common-wealth rather troubled , then a haire about you . That will take her . Then if shee be couetous and crauing , doe you promise any thing , and performe sparingly : so shall you keepe her in appetite still . Seeme as you would giue , but be like a barren field that yeelds little , or vnlucky dice , to foolish , and hoping gamesters . Let your gifts be slight , and daintie , rather then pretious . Let cunning be aboue cost . Giue cherries at time of yeere , or apricots ; and say they were sent you out o' the countrey , though you bought 'hem in Cheap-side . Admire her tyres ; like her in all fashions ; compare her in euery habit to some deitie ; inuent excellent dreames to slatter her , and riddles ; or , if shee bee a great one , performe alwaies the second parts to her : like what shee likes , praise whom she praises , and faile not to make the houshold and seruants yours , yea the whole family , and salute 'hem by their names : ( 't is but light cost if you can purchase 'hem so ) and make her physitian your pensioner , and her chiefe woman . Nor will it bee out of your gaine to make loue to her too , so shee follow , no vsher , her ladies pleasure . All blabbing is taken away , when shee comes to be a part of the crime .

DAV .

On what courtly lap hast thou late slept , to come forth so sudden and absolute a courtling ?

TRV.

Good faith , I should rather question you , that are so harkning after these mysteries . I begin to suspect your diligence . DAVPHINE . Speake , art thou in loue in earnest ?

DAV .

Yes by my troth am I : 't were ill dissembling before thee .

TRV.

With which of 'hem , I pray thee ?

DAV .

With all the collegiates .

CLE.

Out on thee . Wee 'll keepe you at home , beleeue it , i' the stable , and you be such a stallion .

TRV.

No. I like him well . Men should loue wisely , and all women : some one for the face , and let her please the eye ; another for the skin , and let her please the touch ; a third for the voice , and let her please the eare ; and where the obiects mixe , let the senses so too . Thou wouldst thinke it strange , if I should make 'hem all in loue with thee afore night !

DAV .

I would say thou had'st the best philtre i' the world , and couldst doe more then madame MEDEA , or Doctor FOREMAN .

TRV.

If I doe not , let me play the mounte-banke for my meate while I liue , and the bawd for my drinke .

DAV .

So be it , I say .

Act IIII. Scene II. OTTER , CLERIMONT , DAW , DAVPHINE , MOROSE , TRVE-WIT , LA-FOOLE , M rs . OTTER .

O Lord , gentlemen , how my knights and I haue mist you here !

CLE.

Why , Captaine , what seruice ? what seruice ?

OTT.

To see me bring vp my bull , beare , and horse to fight .

DAW .

Yes faith , the Captaine saies we shall be his dogs to baite 'hem .

DAV .

A good imployment .

TRV.

Come on , let 's see a course then .

LA-F.

I am afraid my cousin will be offended if shee come .

OTT.

Be afraid of nothing . Gentlemen , I haue plac'd the drum and the trumpets , and one to giue 'hem the signe when you are ready . Here 's my bull for my selfe , and my beare for sir IOHN DAW , and my horse for sir AMOROVS . Now set your foot to mine , and yours to his , and —

LA-F.

Pray god my cousin come not .

OTT.

Saint GEORGE , and saint ANDREW , feare no cousins . Come , sound , sound . Et rauco strepuerunt cornua cantu .

TRV.

Well said , Captaine , yfaith : well fought at the bull .

CLE.

Well held at the beare .

TRV.

Low , low , Captayne .

DAV .

O , the horse has kickt off his dog alreadie .

LA-F.

I cannot drinke it , as I am a Knight .

TRV.

Gods so , off with his spurres , some-body .

LA-F.

It goes againe my conscience . My cousin will bee angrie with it .

DAW .

I ha' done mine .

TRV.

You fought high and faire , sir IOHN .

CLE.

At the head .

DAV .

Like an excellent beare-dog .

CLE.

You take no notice of the businesse , I hope .

DAW .

Not a word , sir , you see we are iouiall .

OTT.

Sir AMOROVS , you must not aequiuocate . It must bee pull'd downe , for all my cousin .

CLE.

Sfoot , if you take not your drinke , they 'll thinke you are discontented wit some thing : you 'll betray all , if you take the least notice .

LA-F.

Not I , I 'll both drinke , and talke then .

OTT.

You must pull the horse on his knees , sir AMOROVS : feare no cousins . Iacta est alea.

TRV.

O , now hee 's in his vaine , and bold . The least hint giuen him of his wife now , will make him raile desperately .

CLE.

Speake to him of her .

TRV.

Doe you , and I 'll fetch her to the hearing of it .

DAV .

Captaine hee-OTTER , your shee-OTTER is comming , your wife .

OTT.

Wife ! Buz. Titiuilitium . There 's no such thing in nature . I confesse , gentlemen , I haue a cook , a laundresse , a house-drudge , that serues my necessary turnes , and goes vnder that title : But hee 's an asse that will be so vxorious , to tie his affections to one circle . Come , the name dulls appetite . Here , replenish againe : another bout . Wiues are nasty sluttish animalls .

DAV .

O , Captaine .

OTT.

As euer the earth bare , tribus verbis . Where 's master TRVE-WIT ?

DAW .

Hee 's slipt aside , sir.

CLE.

But you must drinke , and be iouiall .

DAW .

Yes , giue it me .

LA-F.

And me , too .

DAW .

Let 's be iouiall .

LA-F.

As iouiall as you will .

OTT.

Agreed . Now you shall ha' the beare , cousin , and sir IOHN DAW the horse , and I 'll ha' the bull still . Sound Tritons o' the Thames . Nunc est bibendum , nunc pede libero —

MOR. Morose speakes from aboue : the trumpets sounding .

Villaines , murderers , sonnes of the earth , and traitors , what doe you there ?

CLE.

O , now the trumpets haue wak'd him , we shall haue his companie .

OTT.

A wife is a sciruy clogdogdo ; an vnlucky thing , a very foresaid beare-whelpe , without any good fashion or breeding : mala bestia .

DAV . His wife is brought out to beare him .

Why did you marry one then , Captaine ?

OTT.

A poxe — I married with sixe thousand pound , I ▪ I was in loue with that . I ha' not kist my furie , these fortie weekes .

CLE.

The more to blame you , Captaine .

TRV.

Nay , mistris OTTER , heare him a little first .

OTT.

Shee has a breath worse then my grand-mothers , profecto .

M rs . OT .

O treacherous lyar . Kisse mee , sweet master TRVE-WIT , and proue him a slaundering knaue .

TRV.

I 'll rather beleeue you , lady .

OTT.

And shee has a perruke , that 's like a pound of hempe , made vp in shoo-thrids .

M rs . OT .

O viper , mandrake !

OTT.

A most vile face ! and yet shee spends me fortie pound a yeere in mercury , and hogs-bones . All her teeth were made i' the Blacke - Friers : both her eye-browes i' the Strand , and her haire in Siluer-street . Euery part o' the towne ownes a peece of her .

M rs . OT .

I cannot hold .

OTT.

She takes her selfe asunder still when she goes to bed , into some twentie boxes ; and about next day noone is put together againe , like a great Germane clocke : and so comes forth and rings a tedious larum to the whole house , and then is quiet againe for an houre , but for her quarters . Ha' you done me right , gentlemen ?

M rs . OT . Shee falls vpon him and beates him .

No , sir , I 'll do you right with my quarters , with my quarters .

OTT.

O , hold , good Princesse .

TRV.

Sound , sound .

CLE.

A battell , a battell .

M rs . OT .

You notorious stinkardly beareward , do's my breath smell ?

OTT.

Vnder correction , deare Princesse : looke to my beare , and my horse , gentlemen .

M rs . OT .

Doe I want teeth , and eye-browes , thou bull-dog ?

TRV.

Sound , sound still .

OTT.

No , I protest , vnder correction —

M rs . OT .

I , now you are vnder correction , you protest : but you did not protest before correction , sir. Thou IVDAS , to offer to betray thy Princesse ! I 'll make thee an example —

MOR. Morose descends with a long sword .

I will haue no such examples in my house , lady OTTER .

M rs . OT .

Ah —

MOR.

M rs . MARY AMBREE , your examples are dangerous . Rogues , Hell-hounds , Stentors , out of my dores , you sonnes of noise and tumult , begot on an ill May-day , or when the Gally-foist is a-floate to Westminster ! A trumpetter could not be conceiu'd , but then !

DAV .

What ailes you , sir ?

MOR.

They haue rent my roofe , walls , and all my windores asunder , with their brazen throates .

TRV.

Best follow him , DAVPHINE .

DAV .

So I will .

CLE.

Where 's DAW , and LA-FOOLE ?

OTT.

They are both run away , sir. Good gentlemen , helpe to pacifie my Princesse , and speake to the great ladies for me . Now must I goe lie with the beares this fortnight , and keepe out o' the way , till my peace be made , for this scandale shee has taken . Did you not see my bull-head , gentlemen ?

CLE.

Is 't not on , Captayne ?

TRV.

No : but he may make a new one , by that , is on .

OTT.

O , here 't is . And you come ouer , gentlemen , and aske for TOM OTTER , wee 'll goe downe to Ratcliffe , and haue a course ysaith : for all these disasters . There 's bona spes left .

TRV.

Away , Captaine , get off while you are well .

CLE.

I am glad we are rid of him .

TRV.

You had neuer beene , vnlesse wee had put his wife vpon him . His humour is as tedious at last , as it was ridiculous at first .

Act IIII. Scene III. HAVGHTY , M rs . OTTER , MAVIS , DAW , LA-FOOLE , CENTAVRE , EPICOENE , TRVE-WIT , CLERIMONT .

WE wondred why you shreek'd so , M rs . OTTER .

M rs . OT .

O god , madame , he came downe with a huge long naked weapon in both his hands , and look'd so dreadfully ! Sure , hee 's beside himselfe .

MAV .

Why what made you there , mistris OTTER ?

M rs . OT .

Alas , mistris MAVIS , I was chastising my subiect , and thought nothing of him .

DAW .

Faith , mistris , you must doe so too . Learne to chastise . Mistris OTTER corrects her husband so , hee dares not speake , but vnder correction .

LA-F.

And with his hat off to her : 't would doe you good to see .

HAV.

In sadnesse 't is good , and mature counsell : practise it , MOROSE . I 'll call you MOROSE still now , as I call CENTAVRE , and MAVIS : we foure will be all one .

CEN.

And you 'll come to the colledge , and liue with vs ?

HAV.

Make him giue milke , and hony .

MAV .

Looke how you manage him at first , you shall haue him euer after .

CEN.

Let him allow you your coach , and foure horses , your woman , your chamber-maid , your page , your gentleman-vsher , your french cooke , and foure groomes .

HAV.

And goe with vs , to Bed'lem , to the China houses , and to the Exchange .

CEN.

It will open the gate to your fame .

HAV.

Here 's CENTAVRE has immortaliz'd her selfe , with taming of her wilde male .

MAV .

I , shee has done the miracle of the kingdome .

EPI .

But ladies , doe you count it lawfull to haue such pluralitie of seruants , and doe 'hem all graces ?

HAV.

Why not ? why should women denie their fauours to men ? Are they the poorer , or the worse ?

DAW .

Is the Thames the lesse for the dyers water , mistris ?

LA-F.

Or a torch , for lighting many torches ?

TRV.

Well said , LA-FOOLE ; what a new one he has got ?

CEN.

They are emptie losses , women feare , in this kind .

HAV.

Besides , ladies should be mindfull of the approach of age , and let no time want his due vse . The best of our daies passe first .

MAV .

We are riuers , that cannot be call'd backe , madame : shee that now excludes her louers , may liue to lie a forsaken beldame , in a frozen bed .

CEN.

'T is true , MAVIS : and who will wait on vs to coach then ? or write , or tell vs the newes then ? Make anagrammes of our names , and inuite vs to the cock-pit , and kisse our hands all the play-time , and draw their weapons for our honors ?

HAV.

Not one .

DAW .

Nay , my mistris is not altogether vn-intelligent of these things ; here be in presence haue tasted of her fauours .

CLE.

What a neighing hobby-horse is this !

EPI .

But not with intent to boast 'hem againe , seruant . And haue you those excellent receits , madame , to keepe your selues from bearing of children ?

HAV.

O yes , MOROSE . How should we maintayne our youth and beautie , else ? Many births of a woman make her old , as many crops make the earth barren .

Act IIII. Scene IIII. MOROSE , DAVPHINE , TRVE-WIT , EPICOENE , CLERIMONT , DAW , HAVGHTY , LA-FOOLE , CENTAVRE , MAVIS , M rs . OTTER , TRVSTY .

O My cursed angell , that instructed me to this fate !

DAV .

Why , sir ?

MOR.

That I should bee seduc'd by so foolish a deuill , as a barber will make !

DAV .

I would I had beene worthy , sir , to haue partaken your counsell , you should neuer haue trusted it to such a minister .

MOR.

Would I could redeeme it with the losse of an eye ( nephew ) a hand , or any other member .

DAV .

Mary , god forbid , sir , that you should geld your selfe , to anger your wife .

MOR.

So it would rid me of her ! and , that I did supererogatorie penance , in a bellfry , at Westminster-hall , i' the cock-pit , at the fall of a stagge ; the tower-wharf ( what place is there else ? ) London-bridge , Paris-garden , Belins-gate , when the noises are at their height and lowdest . Nay , I would sit out a play , that were nothing but fights at sea , drum , trumpet , and target !

DAV .

I hope there shall be no such need , sir. Take patience , good vncle . This is but a day , and 't is well worne too now .

MOR.

O , 't will bee so for euer , nephew , I foresee it , for euer . Strife and tumult are the dowrie that comes with a wife .

TRV.

I told you so , sir , and you would not beleeue me .

MOR.

Alas , doe not rub those wounds , master TRVE-WIT , to bloud againe : 't was my negligence . Adde not affliction to affliction . I haue perceiu'd the effect of it , too late , in madamme OTTER .

EPI .

How doe you , sir ?

MOR.

Did you euer heare a more vnnecessary question ? as if she did not see ! Why , I doe as you see , Empresse , Empresse .

EPI .

You are not well , sir ! you looke very ill ! something has distempered you .

MOR.

O horrible , monstrous impertinencies ! would not one of these haue seru'd ? doe you thinke , sir ? would not one of these haue seru'd ?

TRV.

Yes , sir , but these are but notes of female kindnesse , sir : certaine tokens that shee has a voice , sir.

MOR.

O , is 't so ? come , and 't be no otherwise — what say you ?

EPI .

How doe you feele your selfe , sir ?

MOR.

Againe , that !

TRV.

Nay , looke you , sir : you would be friends with your wife vpon vn-conscionable termes , her silence —

EPI .

They say you are run mad , sir.

MOR.

Not for loue , I assure you , of you ; doe you see ?

EPI .

O lord , gentlemen ! Lay hold on him for gods sake : what shal I doe ? who 's his physitian ( can you tel ) that knowes the state of his body best , that I might send for him ? Good sir , speake . I 'll send for one of my doctors else .

MOR.

What , to poyson me , that I might die intestate , and leaue you possest of all ?

EPI .

Lord , how idly he talkes , and how his eyes sparkle ! He lookes greene about the temples ! Doe you see what blue spots he has ?

CLE.

I , it 's melancholy .

EPI .

Gentlemen , for heauens sake counsell me . Ladies ! Seruant , you haue read PLINY , and PARACELSVS : Ne're a word now to comfort a poore gentlewoman ? Ay me ! what fortune had I to marry a distracted man ?

DAW .

I 'll tell you , mistris —

TRV.

How rarely shee holds it vp !

MOR.

What meane you , gentlemen ?

EPI .

What will you tell me , seruant ?

DAW .

The disease in Greeke is called , in Latine , Insania , Furor , vel Ecstasis melancholica , that is , Egressio , when a man ex melancholico , euadit fanaticus .

MOR.

Shall I haue a lecture read vpon me aliue ?

DAW .

But he may be but Phreneticus , yet , mistris ? and Phrenetis is only delirium , or so —

EPI .

I , that is for the disease , seruant : but what is this to the cure ? we are sure inough of the disease .

MOR.

Let me goe .

TRV.

Why , wee 'll intreat her to hold her peace , sir.

MOR.

O , no. Labour not to stop her . Shee is like a conduit-pipe , that will gush out with more force , when shee opens againe .

HAV.

I 'll tell you , MOROSE , you must talke diuinitie to him altogether , or morall philosophie .

LA-F.

I , and there 's an excellent booke of morall philosophie , madame , of RAYNARD the foxe , and all the beasts , call'd , DONES philosophie .

CEN.

There is , indeed , sir AMOROVS LA-FOOLE .

MOR.

O miserie !

LA-F.

I haue read it , my lady CENTAVRE , all ouer to my cousin , here .

M rs OT .

I , and 't is a very good booke as any is , of the Modernes .

DAW .

Tut , hee must haue SENECA read to him , and PLVTARCH , and the Ancients ; the Modernes are not for this disease .

CLE.

Why , you discommended them too , to day , sir IOHN .

DAW .

I , in some cases : but in these they are best , and ARISTOTLES Ethicks .

MAV .

Say you so , sir IOHN ? I thinke you are deceiu'd : you tooke it vpon trust .

HAV.

Where 's TRVSTY , my woman ? I 'll end this difference . I pr'ythee , OTTER , call her . Her father and mother were both mad , when they put her to me .

MOR.

I thinke so . Nay , gentlemen , I am tame . This is but an exercise , I know , a marriage ceremonie , which I must endure .

HAV.

And one of 'hem ( I know not which ) was cur'd with the Sick-mans salue ; and the other with GREENES groates-worth of wit .

TRV.

A very cheape cure , madame .

HAV.

I , it very faesible .

M rs . OT .

My lady call'd for you , mistris TRVSTY : you must decide a controuersie .

HAV.

O TRVSTY , which was it you said , your father , or your mother , that was cur'd with the Sicke-mans salue ?

TRVS .

My mother , madame , with the salue .

TRV.

Then it was the Sicke-womans salue .

TRVS .

And my father with the Groates-worth of wit . But there was other meanes vs'd : we had a Preacher that would preach folke asleepe still ; and so they were prescrib'd to goe to church , by an old woman that was their physitian , thrise a weeke —

EPI .

To sleepe ?

TRVS .

Yes forsooth : and euery night they read themselues asleepe on those bookes .

EPI .

Good faith , it stands with great reason . I would I knew where to procure those bookes .

MOR.

Oh.

LA-F.

I can helpe you with one of 'hem , mistris MOROSE , the groats-worth of wit .

EPI .

But I shall disfurnish you , sir AMOROVS : can you spare it ?

LA-F.

O , yes , for a weeke , or so ; I 'll reade it my selfe to him .

EPI .

No , I must doe that , sir : that must be my office .

MOR.

Oh , oh !

EPI .

Sure , he would doe well inough , if he could sleepe .

MOR.

No , I should doe well inough , if you could sleepe . Haue I no friend that will make her drunke ? or giue her a little ladanum ? or opium ?

TRV.

Why , sir , shee talkes ten times worse in her sleepe .

MOR.

How !

CLE.

Doe you not know that , sir ? neuer ceases all night .

TRV.

And snores like a porcpisce .

MOR.

O , redeeme me , fate , redeeme me , fate . For how many causes may a man be diuorc'd , nephew ?

DAV .

I know not truely , sir.

TRV.

Some Diuine must resolue you in that , sir , or canon-Lawyer .

MOR.

I will not rest , I will not thinke of any other hope or comfort , till I know .

CLE.

Alas , poore man .

TRV.

You 'll make him mad indeed , ladies , if you pursue this .

HAV.

No , wee 'll let him breathe , now , a quarter of an houre , or so .

CLE.

By my faith , a large truce .

HAV.

Is that his keeper , that is gone with him ?

DAW .

It is his nephew , madame .

LA-F.

Sir DAVPHINE EVGENIE .

CEN.

He lookes like a very pittifull knight —

DAW .

As can be . This marriage , has put him out of all .

LA-F.

He has not a penny in his purse , madame —

DAW .

He is readie to crie all this day .

LA-F.

A very sharke , he set me i' the nicke t'other night at primero .

TRV.

How these swabbers talke !

CLE.

I , OTTERS wine has swell'd their humours aboue a spring-tide .

HAV.

Good MOROSE , let 's goe in againe . I like your couches exceeding well : wee 'll goe lie , and talke there .

EPI .

I wait on you , madame .

TRV.

'Slight , I wil haue 'hem as silent as Signes , & their posts too , e're I ha' done . Doe you heare , lady-bride ? I pray thee now , as thou art a noble wench , continue this discourse of DAVPHINE within : but praise him exceedingly . Magnifie him with all the height of affection thou canst . ( I haue some purpose in 't ) and but beate off these two rookes , IACK DAW , and his fellow , with any discontentment hither , and I 'll honour thee for euer .

EPI .

I was about it , here . It angred mee to the soule , to heare 'hem beginne to talke so malepert .

TRV.

Pray thee performe it , and thou win'st mee an idolater to thee , euerlasting .

EPI .

Will you goe in , and heare me doe it ?

TRV.

No , I 'll stay here . Driue 'hem out of your companie , 't is all I aske : which cannot bee any way better done , then by extolling DAVPHINE , whom they haue so slighted .

EPI .

I warrant you : you shall expect one of 'hem presently .

CLE.

What a cast of kastrils are these , to hawke after ladies , thus ?

TRV.

I , and strike at such an eagle as DAVPHINE .

CLE.

He will be mad , when we tell him . Here he comes .

Act IIII. Scene V. CLERIMONT , TRVE-WIT , DAVPHINE , DAW , LA-FOOLE .

O Sir , you are welcome .

TRV.

Where 's thine vncle ?

DAV .

Run out o' dores in 's night-caps , to talke with a Casuist about his diuorce . It workes admirably .

TRV.

Thou would'st ha' said so , and thou had'st beene here ! The ladies haue laught at thee , most comically , since thou wentst , DAVPHINE .

CLE.

And askt , if thou wert thine vncles keeper ?

TRV.

And the brace of Babouns answer'd , yes ; and said , thou wert a pittifull poore fellow , and did'st liue vpon posts : and had'st nothing but three sutes of apparell , and some few beneuolences that lords ga' thee to foole to 'hem , and swagger .

DAV .

Let me not liue , I 'll beate 'hem . I 'll binde 'hem both to grand Madames bed-postes , and haue 'hem bayted with monkeyes .

TRV.

Thou shalt not need , they shall be beaten to thy hand , DAVPHINE . I haue an execution to serue vpon 'hem , I warrant thee shall serue : trust my plot .

DAV .

I , you haue many plots ! So you had one , to make all the wenches in loue with me .

TRV.

Why , if I doe not yet afore night , as neere as 't is ; and that they doe not euery one inuite thee , and be ready to scratch for thee : take the morgage of my wit .

CLE.

'Fore god , I 'll be his witnesse ; thou shalt haue it , DAVPHINE : thou shalt be his foole for euer , if thou doest not .

TRV.

Agreed . Perhaps 't will bee the better estate . Doe you obserue this gallerie ? or rather lobby , indeed ? Here are a couple of studies , at each end one : here will I act such a tragi-comoedy betweene the Guelphes , and the Ghibellines , DAW and LA-FOOLE — which of 'hem comes out first , will I seize on : ( you two shall be the chorus behind the arras , and whip out betweene the acts , and speake . ) If I doe not make 'hem keepe the peace , for this remnant of the day , if not of the yeere , I haue faild once — I heare DAW comming : Hide , and doe not laugh , for gods sake .

DAW .

Which is the way into the garden , trow ▪

TRV.

O , IACK DAW ! I am glad I haue met with you . In good faith , I must haue this matter goe no furder betweene you . I must ha' it taken vp .

DAW .

What matter , sir ? Betweene whom ?

TRV.

Come , you disguise it — Sir AMOROVS and you . If you loue me IACK , you shall make vse of your philosophy now , for this once , and deliuer me your sword . This is not the wedding the CENTAVRES were at , though there be a shee-one here . The bride has entreated me I will see no bloud shed at her bridall , you saw her whisper me ere-while .

DAW .

As I hope to finish TACITVS , I intend no murder .

TRV.

Doe you not wait for sir AMOROVS ?

DAW .

Not I , by my knight-hood .

TRV.

And your schollership too ?

DAW .

And my schollership too .

TRV.

Goe to , then I returne you your sword , and aske you mercy ; but put it not vp , for you will be assaulted . I vnderstood that you had apprehended it , and walkt here to braue him : and that you had held your life contemptible , in regard of your honor .

DAW .

No , no , no such thing I assure you . He and I parted now , as good friends as could be .

TRV.

Trust not you to that visor . I saw him since dinner with another face : I haue knowne many men in my time vex'd with losses , with deaths , and with abuses , but so offended a wight as sir AMOROVS , did I neuer see , or read of . For taking away his guests , sir , to day , that 's the cause : and hee declares it behind your backe , with such threatnings and contempts — He said to DAVPHINE , you were the errandst asse —

DAW .

I , he may say his pleasure .

TRV.

And sweares , you are so protested a coward , that hee knowes you will neuer doe him any manly or single right , and therefore hee will take his course .

DAW .

I 'll giue him any satisfaction , sir — but fighting .

TRV.

I , sir , but who knowes what satisfaction hee 'll take ? bloud he thirsts for , and bloud he will haue : and where-abouts on you he will haue it , who knowes , but himselfe ?

DAW .

I pray you , master TRVE-WIT , be you a mediator .

TRV. He puts him vp .

Well , sir , conceale your selfe then in this studie , till I returne . Nay , you must bee content to bee lock'd in : for , for mine owne reputation I would not haue you seene to receiue a publique disgrace , while I haue the matter in managing . Gods so , here hee comes : keepe your breath close , that hee doe not heare you sigh . In good faith , sir AMOROVS , hee is not this way , I pray you bee mercifull , doe not murder him ; hee is a christian as good as you : you are arm'd as if you sought a reuenge on all his race . Good DAVPHINE , get him away from this place . I neuer knew a mans choller so high , but hee would speake to his friends , hee would heare reason . IACK DAW , IACK DAW ! a-sleepe ?

DAW .

Is he gone , master TRVE-WIT ?

TRV.

I , did you heare him ?

DAW .

O god , yes .

TRV.

What a quick eare feare has ?

DAW .

But is he so arm'd , as you say ?

TRV.

Arm'd ? did you euer see a fellow , set out to take possession ?

DAW .

I , sir.

TRV.

That may giue you some light , to conceiue of him : but 't is nothing to the principall . Some false brother i' the house has furnish'd him strangely . Or , if it were out o' the house , it was TOM OTTER .

DAW .

Indeed , hee 's a Captayne , and his wife is his kinswoman .

TRV.

Hee has got some-bodies old two-hand-sword , to mow you off at the knees . And that sword hath spawn'd such a dagger ! — but then he is so hung with pikes , halberds , peitronells , calliuers , and muskets , that he lookes like a Iustice of peace's hall : a man of two thousand a yeere , is not sess'd at so many weapons , as he has on . There was neuer fencer challeng'd at so many seuerall foiles . You would thinke hee meant to murder all Saint PVLCHRES parish . If hee could but victuall himselfe for halfe a yeere , in his breeches , hee is sufficiently arm'd to ouer-runne a countrie .

DAW .

Good lord , what meanes he , sir ! I pray you , master TRVE-WIT , be you a mediator .

TRV.

Well , I 'll trie if he will be appeas'd with a leg or an arme , if not , you must die once .

DAW .

I would be loth to loose my right arme , for writing madrigalls .

TRV.

Why , if he will be satisfied with a thumb , or a little finger , all 's one to me . You must thinke , I 'll doe my best .

DAW .

Good sir , doe .

CLE. He puts him vp againe , and then came forth .

What hast thou done ?

TRV.

He will let me doe nothing , man , he do's all afore me , he offers his left arme .

CLE.

His left wing , for a IACK DAW .

DAV .

Take it , by all meanes .

TRV.

How ! Maime a man for euer , for a iest ? what a conscience hast thou ?

DAV .

'T is no losse to him : he has no employment for his armes , but to eate spoone-meate . Beside , as good maime his body as his reputation .

TRV.

He is a scholler , and a Wit , and yet he do's not thinke so . But he looses no reputation with vs , for we all resolu'd him an asse before . To your places againe .

CLE.

I pray thee , let me be in at the other a little .

TRV.

Looke , you 'll spoile all : these be euer your tricks .

CLE.

No , but I could hit of some things that thou wilt misse , and thou wilt say are good ones .

TRV.

I warrant you . I pray forbeare , I 'll leaue it off , else .

DAV .

Come away , CLERIMONT .

TRV.

Sir AMOROVS !

LA-F.

Master TRVE-WIT .

TRV.

Whether were you going ?

LA-F.

Downe into the court , to make water .

TRV.

By no meanes , sir , you shall rather tempt your breeches .

LA-F.

Why , sir ?

TRV.

Enter here , if you loue your life .

LA-F.

Why ! why !

TRV.

Question till your throat bee cut , doe : dally till the enraged soule find you .

LA-F.

Who 's that ?

TRV.

DAW it is : will you in ?

LA-F.

I , I , I 'll in : what 's the matter ?

TRV.

Nay , if hee had beene coole inough to tell vs that , there had beene some hope to attone you , but he seemes so implacably enrag'd .

LA-F.

'Slight , let him rage . I 'll hide my selfe .

TRV.

Doe , good sir. But what haue you done to him within , that should prouoke him thus ? you haue broke some iest vpon him , afore the ladies —

LA-F.

Not I , neuer in my life , broke iest vpon any man . The bride was praising sir DAVPHINE , and he went away in snuffe , and I followed him , vnlesse he tooke offence at me , in his drinke ere while , that I would not pledge all the horse full .

TRV.

By my faith , and that may bee , you remember well : but hee walkes the round vp and downe , through euery roome o' the house , with a towell in his hand , crying , where 's LA-FOOLE ? who saw LA-FOOLE ? and when DAVPHINE , and I , demanded the cause , wee can force no answere from him , but ( Ô reuenge , how sweet art thou ! I will strangle him in this towell ) which leads vs to coniecture , that the maine cause of his furie is for bringing your meate to day , with a towell about you , to his discredit .

LA-F.

Like inough . Why , and he be angrie for that , I 'll stay here , till his anger be blowne ouer .

TRV.

A good becomming resolution , sir. If you can put it on o' the sudden .

LA-F.

Yes , I can put it on . Or , I 'll away into the country presently .

TRV.

How will you get out o' the house , sir ? Hee knowes you are i' the house , and hee 'll watch you this se'n-night but hee 'll haue you . Hee 'll out-wait a sargeant for you .

LA-F.

Why , then I 'll stay here .

TRV.

You must thinke , how to victuall your selfe in time , then .

LA-F.

Why , sweet master TRVE-WIT , will you entreat my cousin OTTER , to send me a cold venison pasty , a bottle or two of wine , and a chamber pot .

TRV.

A stoole were better , sir , of sir A-IAX his inuention .

LA-F.

I , that will be better indeed : and a pallat to lie on .

TRV.

O , I would not aduise you to sleepe by any meanes .

LA-F.

Would you not , sir ? why , then I will not .

TRV.

Yet , there 's another feare —

LA-F.

Is there , sir ? What is 't ?

TRV.

No , he cannot breake open this dore with his foot , sure .

LA-F.

I 'll set my backe against it , sir. I haue a good backe .

TRV.

But , then if he should batter .

LA-F.

Batter ! if he dare , I 'll haue an action of batt'ry , against him .

TRV. He faines , as if one were present , to fright the other , who is run in to hide himselfe .

Cast you the worst . He has sent for poulder alreadie , and what he will doe with it , no man knowes : perhaps blow vp the corner o' the house , where he suspects you are . Here he comes , in quickly . I protest , sir IOHN DAW , he is not this way : what will you doe ? before god , you shall hang no petarde here . I 'll die rather . Will you not take my word ? I neuer knew one but would be satisfied . Sir AMOROVS , there 's no standing out . He has made a petarde of an old brasse pot , to force your dore . Thinke vpon some satisfaction , or termes , to offer him .

LA-F.

Sir , I 'll giue him any satisfaction . I dare giue any termes .

TRV.

You 'll leaue it to me , then ?

LA-F.

I , sir. I 'll stand to any conditions .

TRV. He calls forth Clerimont , and Dauphine .

How now , what thinke you , sirs ? wer 't not a difficult thing to determine , which of these two fear'd most .

CLE.

Yes , but this feares the brauest : the other a whiniling dastard , IACK DAW ! but LA-FOOLE , a braue heroique coward ! and is afraid in a great looke , and a stout accent . I like him rarely .

TRV.

Had it not beene pitty , these two should ha' beene conceal'd ?

CLE.

Shall I make a motion ?

TRV.

Briefly . For I must strike while 't is hot .

CLE.

Shall I goe fetch the ladies to the catastrophe ?

TRV.

Vmh ? I , by my troth .

DAV .

By no mortall meanes . Let them continue in the state of ignorance , and erre still : thinke 'hem wits , and fine fellowes , as they haue done . 'T were sinne to reforme them .

TRV.

Well , I will haue 'hem fetch'd , now I thinke on 't , for a priuate purpose of mine : doe , CLERIMONT , fetch 'hem , and discourse to hem all that 's past , and bring 'hem into the gallery here .

DAV .

This is thy extreme vanitie , now : thou think'st thou wert vndone , if euery iest thou mak'st were not publish'd .

TRV.

Thou shalt see , how vniust thou art , presently . CLERIMONT , say it was DAVPHINE'S plot . Trust me not , if the whole drift be not for thy good . There 's a carpet i' the next roome , put it on , with this scarfe ouer thy face , and a cushion o' thy head , and bee ready when I call AMOROVS . Away — IOHN DAW .

DAW .

What good newes , sir.

TRV.

Faith , I haue followed , and argued with him hard for you . I told him , you were a knight , and a scholler ; and that you knew fortitude did consist magis patiendo quam faciendo , magis ferendo quam feriendo .

DAW .

It doth so indeed , sir.

TRV.

And that you would suffer , I told him : so , at first he demanded , by my troth , in my conceipt , too much .

DAW .

What was it , sir.

TRV.

Your vpper lip , and sixe o' your fore-teeth .

DAW .

'T was vnreasonable .

TRV.

Nay , I told him plainely , you could not spare 'hem all . So after long argument ( pro & con , as you know ) I brought him downe to your two butter-teeth , and them he would haue .

DAW .

O , did you so ? why , he shall haue 'hem .

TRV.

But he shall not , sir , by your leaue . The conclusion is this , sir , because you shall be very good friends hereafter , and this neuer to bee remembred , or vp-braided ; besides , that he may not boast , he has done any such thing to you in his owne person : hee is to come here in disguise , giue you fiue kicks in priuate , sir , take your sword from you , and lock you vp in that studie , during pleasure . Which will be but a little while , wee 'll get it releas'd presently .

DAW .

Fiue kicks ? he shall haue sixe , sir , to be friends .

TRV.

Beleeue mee , you shall not ouer-shoot your selfe , to send him that word by me .

DAW .

Deliuer it , sir. He shall haue it with all my heart , to be friends .

TRV.

Friends ? Nay , and he should not be so , and heartily too , vpon these termes , he shall haue me to enemie while I liue . Come , sir , beare it brauely .

DAW .

O god , sir , 't is nothing .

TRV.

True . What 's sixe kicks to a man , that reads SENECA ?

DAW .

I haue had a hundred , sir.

TRV. Dauphine comes forth , and kick him .

Sir AMOROVS . No speaking one to another , or rehearsing old matters .

DAW .

One , two , three , foure , fiue . I protest , sir AMOROVS , you shall haue sixe .

TRV.

Nay , I told you should not talke . Come , giue him six , & he will needs . Your sword . Now returne to your safe custody : you shall presently meet afore the ladies , and be the dearest friends one to another — Giue me the scarfe , now , thou shalt beat the other bare-fac'd . Stand by , sir AMOROVS .

LA-F.

What 's here ? A sword .

TRV.

I cannot helpe it , without I should take the quarrell vpon my selfe : here he has sent you his sword —

LA-F.

I 'll receiue none on 't .

TRV.

And he wills you to fasten it against a wall , and breake your head in some few seuerall places against the hilts .

LA-F.

I will not : tell him roundly . I cannot endure to shed my owne bloud .

TRV.

Will you not ?

LA-F.

No. I 'll beat it against a faire flat wall , if that will satisfie him : If not , he shall beat it himselfe , for AMOROVS .

TRV.

Why , this is strange starting off , when a man vnder-takes for you ! I offered him another condition : Will you stand to that ?

LA-F.

I , what is 't .

TRV.

That you will be beaten , in priuate .

LA-F.

Yes . I am content , at the blunt .

TRV.

Then you must submit your selfe to bee hood-wink'd in this skarfe , and bee led to him , where hee will take your sword from you , and make you beare a blow , ouer the mouth , gules , and tweakes by the nose , sans numbre .

LA-F.

I am content . But why must I be blinded ?

TRV.

That 's for your good , sir : because , if hee should grow insolent vpon this , and publish it hereafter to your disgrace ( which I hope he will not doe ) you might sweare safely and protest , hee neuer beat you , to your knowledge .

LA-F.

O , I conceiue .

TRV.

I doe not doubt , but you 'll be perfect good friends vpon 't , and not dare to vtter an ill thought one of another , in future .

LA-F.

Not I , as god helpe me , of him .

TRV.

Nor he of you , sir. If he should — Come , sir. All hid , sir IOHN .

LA-F. Dauphine enters to tweake him .

Oh , sir IOHN , sir IOHN . Oh , Ô-Ô-Ô-Ô-Ô-Oh —

TRV.

Good , sir IOHN , leaue tweaking , you 'll blow his nose off . 'T is sir IOHN'S pleasure , you should retire into the studie . Why , now you are friends . All bitternesse betweene you , I hope , is buried ; you shall come forth by and by , DAMON & PYTHIAS vpon 't : and embrace with all the ranknesse of friendship that can be . I trust , wee shall haue 'hem tamer i' their language hereafter . DAVPHINE , I worship thee . Gods will , the ladies haue surpris'd vs !

Act IIII. Scene VI. HAVGHTY , CENTAVRE , MAVIS , M rs . OTTER , EPICOENE , TRVSTY , DAVPHINE , TRVE-WIT , &c. Hauing discouerd part of the past scene , above .

CENTAVRE , how our iudgements were impos'd on by these adulterate knights !

CEN.

Nay , madame , MAVIS was more deceiu'd then we , 't was her commendation vtter'd 'hem in the colledge .

MAV .

I commended but their wits , madame , and their braueries . I neuer look'd toward their valours .

HAV.

Sir DAVPHINE is valiant , and a wit too , it seemes ?

MAV .

And a brauerie too .

HAV.

Was this his proiect ?

M rs . OT .

So master CLERIMONT intimates , madame .

HAV.

Good MOROSE , when you come to the colledge , will you bring him with you ? He seemes a very perfect gentleman .

EPI .

He is so , madame , beleeue it .

CEN.

But when will you come , MOROSE ?

EPI .

Three or foure dayes hence , madame , when I haue got mee a coach , and horses .

HAV.

No , to morrow , good MOROSE , CENTAVRE shall send you her coach .

MAV .

Yes faith , doe , and bring sir DAVPHINE with you .

HAV.

Shee has promis'd that , MAVIS .

MAV .

He is a very worthy gentleman , in his exteriors , madame .

HAV.

I , he showes he is iudiciall in his clothes .

CEN.

And yet not so superlatiuely neat as some , madame , that haue their faces set in a brake !

HAV.

I , and haue euery haire in forme !

MAV .

That weare purer linnen then our selues , and professe more neatnesse , then the french hermaphrodite !

EPI .

I ladies , they , what they tell one of vs , haue told a thousand , and are the only theeues of our fame : that thinke to take vs with that perfume , or with that lace , and laugh at vs vn-conscionably when they haue done .

HAV.

But , sir DAVPHINES carelesnesse becomes him .

CEN.

I could loue a man , for such a nose !

MAV .

Or such a leg !

CEN.

He has an exceeding good eye , madame !

MAV .

And a very good lock !

CEN.

Good MOROSE , bring him to my chamber first .

M rs . OT .

Please your honors , to meet at my house , madame ?

TRV.

See , how they eye thee , man ! they are taken , I warrant thee .

HAV.

You haue vnbrac'd our brace of knights , here , master TRVE-WIT .

TRV.

Not I , madame , it was sir DAVPHINES ingine : who , if he haue disfurnish'd your ladiship of any guard , or seruice by it , is able to make the place good againe , in himselfe .

HAV.

There 's no suspition of that , sir.

CEN.

God so , MAVIS , HAVGHTY is kissing .

MAV .

Let vs goe too , and take part .

HAV.

But I am glad of the fortune ( beside the discouerie of two such emptie caskets ) to gaine the knowledge of so rich a mine of vertue , as sir DAVPHINE .

CEN.

We would be al glad to stile him of our friendship , and see him at the colledge .

MAV .

He cannot mixe with a sweeter societie , I 'll prophesie , and I hope he himselfe will thinke so .

DAV .

I should be rude to imagine otherwise , lady .

TRV.

Did not I tell thee , DAVPHINE ? Why , all their actions are gouerned by crude opinion , without reason or cause ; they know not why they doe any thing , without reason or cause ; they know not why they doe any thing : but as they are inform'd , beleeue , iudge , praise , condemne , loue , hate , and in aemulation one of another , doe all these things alike . Onely , they haue a naturall inclination swayes 'hem generally to the worst , when they are left to themselues . But , pursue it , now thou hast 'hem .

HAV.

Shall we goe in againe , MOROSE ?

EPI .

Yes , madame .

CEN.

Wee 'll entreat sir DAVPHINES companie .

TRV.

Stay , good madame , the inter-view of the two friends , PYLADES and ORESTES : I 'll fetch 'hem out to you straight .

HAV.

Will you , master TRVE-WIT ?

DAV .

I , but noble ladies , doe not confesse in your countenance , or outward bearing to 'hem any discouerie of their follies , that wee may see , how they will beare vp againe , with what assurance , and erection .

HAV.

We will not , sir DAVPHINE .

CEN. MAV .

Vpon our honors , sir DAVPHINE .

TRV.

Sir AMOROVS , sir AMOROVS . The ladies are here .

LA-F.

Are they ?

TRV.

Yes , but slip out by and by , as their backs are turn'd , and meet sir IOHN here , as by chance , when I call you . IACK DAW .

DAW .

What say you , sir ?

TRV.

Whip out behind me suddenly : and no anger i' your lookes to your aduersarie . Now , now .

LA-F.

Noble sir IOHN DAW ! where ha' you beene ?

DAW .

To seeke you , sir AMOROVS .

LA-F.

Me ! I honor you .

DAW .

I preuent you , sir.

CLE.

They haue forgot their rapiers !

TRV.

O , they meet in peace , man .

DAV .

Where 's your sword , sir IOHN ?

CLE.

And yours , sir AMOROVS ?

DAW .

Mine ! my boy had it forth , to mend the handle , eene now .

LA-F.

And my gold handle was broke too , and my boy had it forth .

DAV .

Indeed , sir ? How their excuses meet !

CLE.

What a consent there is , i' the handles ?

TRV.

Nay , there is so i' the points too , I warrant you .

M rs . OT .

O me ! madame , he comes againe , the man man , away .

Act IIII. Scene VII . MOROSE , TRVE-WIT , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE . He had found the two swords drawne within .

WHat make these naked weapons here , gentlemen ?

TRV.

O , sir ! here hath like to been murder since you went ! A couple of knights fallen out about the brides fauours : wee were faine to take away their weapons , your house had beene beg'd by this time else —

MOR.

For what ?

CLE.

For man-slaughter , sir , as being accessary .

MOR.

And , for her fauours ?

TRV.

I , sir , heretofore , not present . CLERIMONT , carry 'hem their swords , now . They haue done all the hurt they will doe .

DAV .

Ha' you spke with a lawyer , sir ?

MOR.

O , no! there is such a noyse i' the court , that they haue frighted mee home , with more violence then I went ! such speaking , and counter-speaking , with their seuerall voyces of citations , appellations , allegations , certificates , attachments , intergatories , references , conuictions , and afflictions indeed , among the Doctors and Proctors ! that the noise here is silence too 't ! a kind of calme mid-night !

TRV.

Why , sir , if you would be resolu'd indeed , I can bring you hether a very sufficient Lawyer , and a learned Diuine , that shall inquire into euery least scruple for you .

MOR.

Can you , master TRVE-WIT ?

TRV.

Yes , and are very sober graue persons , that will dispatch it in a chamber , with a whisper , or two .

MOR.

Good sir , shall I hope this benefit from you , and trust my selfe into your hands ?

TRV.

Alas , sir ! your nephew , and I , haue beene asham'd , and oft-times mad since you went , to thinke how you are abus'd . Goe in , good sir , and lock your selfe vp til ! we call you , wee 'll tell you more anon , sir.

MOR.

Doe your pleasure with me , gentlemen ; I beleeue in you : and that deserues no delusion —

TRV.

You shall find none , sir : but heapt , heapt plentie of vexation .

DAV .

What wilt thou doe now , WIT ?

TRV.

Recouer me hether OTTER , and the Barber , if you can , by any meanes , presently .

DAV .

Why ? to what purpose ?

TRV.

O , I 'll make the deepest Diuine , and grauest Lawyer , out o' them two , for him —

DAV .

Thou canst not man , these are waking dreames .

TRV.

Doe not feare me . Clap but a ciuill gowne with a welt , o' the one ; and a canonical cloake with sleeues , o' the other : and giue 'hem a few termes i' their mouthes , if there come not forth as able a Doctor , and compleat a Parson , for this turne , as may be wish'd , trust not my election . And , I hope , without wronging the dignitie of either profession , since they are but persons put on , and for mirths sake , to torment him . The Barber smatters latin , I remember .

DAV .

Yes , and OTTER too .

TRV.

Well then , if I make 'hem not wrangle out this case , to his no comfort , let me be thought a IACK DAW , or LA-FOOLE , or any thing worse . Goe you to your ladies , but first send for them .

DAV .

I will .

Act V.
Scene I. LA-FOOLE , CLERIMONT , DAW , MAVIS .

WHere had you our swords , master CLERIMONT ?

CLE.

Why , DAVPHINE tooke 'hem from the mad-man .

LA-F.

And he tooke 'hem from our boyes , I warrant you ?

CLE.

Very like , sir.

LA-F.

Thanke you , good master CLERIMONT . Sir IOHN DAW , and I are both beholden to you .

CLE.

Would I knew how to make you so , gentlemen .

DAW .

Sir AMOROVS , and I are your seruants , sir.

MAV .

Gentlemen , haue any of you a pen-and-inke . I would faine write out a riddle in Italian , for sir DAVPHINE , to translate .

CLE.

Not I , in troth lady , I am no scriuener .

DAW .

I can furnish you , I thinke , lady .

CLE.

He has it in the haft of a knife , I beleeue !

LA-F.

No , he has his boxe of instruments .

CLE.

Like a surgean !

LA-F.

For the mathematiques : his squire , his compasses , his brasse pens , and black-lead , to draw maps of euery place , and person , where he comes .

CLE.

How , maps of persons !

LA-F.

Yes , sir , of NOMENTACK , when he was here , and of the Prince of Moldauia , and of his mistris , mistris EPICoeNE .

CLE.

Away ! he has not found out her latitude , I hope .

LA-F.

You are a pleasant gentleman , sir.

CLE.

Faith , now we are in priuate , let 's wanton it a little , and talke waggishly . Sir IOHN , I am telling sir AMOROVS here , that you two gouerne the ladies , where e're you come , you carry the feminine gender afore you .

DAW .

They shall rather carry vs afore them , if they will , sir.

CLE.

Nay , I beleeue that they doe , withall — But , that you are the prime-men in their affections , and direct all their actions —

DAW .

Not I : sir AMOROVS is .

LA-F.

I protest , sir IOHN is .

DAW .

As I hope to rise i' the state , sir AMOROVS , you ha' the person .

LA-F.

Sir IOHN , you ha' the person , and the discourse too .

DAW .

Not I , sir. I haue no discourse — and then you haue actiuitie beside .

LA-F.

I protest , sir IOHN , you come as high from Tripoly , as I doe euery whit : and lift as many ioyn'd stooles , and leape ouer 'hem , if you would vse it —

CLE.

Well , agree on 't together knights ; for betweene you , you diuide the kingdome , or common-wealth of ladies affections : I see it , and can perceiue a little how they obserue you , and feare you , indeed . You could tell strange stories , my masters , if you would , I know .

DAW .

Faith , we haue seene somewhat , sir.

LA-F.

That we haue — vellet petti-coates , & wrought smocks , or so .

DAW .

I , and —

CLE.

Nay , out with it , sir IOHN : doe not enuie your friend the pleasure of hearing , when you haue had the delight of tasting .

DAW .

Why — a — doe you speake , sir AMOROVS .

LA-F.

No , doe you , sir IOHN DAW .

DAW .

I'faith , you shall .

LA-F.

I'faith , you shall .

DAW .

Why , we haue beene —

LA-F.

In the great bed at Ware together in our time . On , sir IOHN .

DAW .

Nay , doe you , sir AMOROVS .

CRE.

And these ladies with you , Knights ?

LA-F.

No , excuse vs , sir.

DAW .

We must not wound reputation .

LA-F.

No matter — they were these , or others . Our bath cost vs fifteene pound , when we came home .

CLE.

Doe you heare , sir IOHN , you shall tell me but one thing truely , as you loue me .

DAW .

If I can , I will , sir.

CLE.

You lay in the same house with the bride , here ?

DAW .

Yes , and conuerst with her hourely , sir.

CLE.

And what humour is shee of ? is shee comming , and open , free ?

DAW .

O , exceeding open , sir. I was her seruant , and sir AMOROUS was to be .

CLE.

Come , you haue both had fauours from her ? I know , and haue heard so much .

DAW .

O , no , sir.

LA-F.

You shall excuse vs , sir : we must not wound reputation .

CLE.

Tut , shee is married , now ; and you cannot hurt her with any report , and therefore speake plainely : how many times , yfaith ? which of you lead first ? Ha ?

LA-F.

Sir IOHN had her mayden-head , indeed .

DAW .

O , it pleases him to say so , sir , but sir AMOROVS knowes what 's what , as well .

CLE.

Do'st thou yfaith , AMOROVS ?

LA-F.

In a manner , sir.

CLE.

Why , I commend you lads . Little knowes Don Bride-groome of this . Nor shall he , for me .

DAW .

Hang him , mad oxe .

CLE.

SPeake softly : here comes his nephew , with the lady HAVGHTY . Hee 'll get the ladies from you , sirs , if you looke not to him in time .

LA-F.

Why , if he doe , wee 'll fetch 'hem home againe , I warrant you .

Act V. Scene II. HAVGHTY , DAVPHINE , CENTAVRE , MAVIS , CLERIMONT .

I Assure you , sir DAVPHINE , it is the price and estimation of your vertue onely , that hath embarqu'd me to this aduenture , and I could not but make out to tell you so ; nor can I repent me of the act , since it is alwayes an argument of some vertue in our selues , that we loue and affect it so in others .

DAV .

Your ladiship sets too high a price , on my weakenesse .

HAV.

Sir , I can distinguish gemmes from peebles —

DAV .

( Are you so skilfull in stones ? )

HAV.

And , howsoeuer I may suffer in such a iudgement as yours , by admitting equality of ranke , or societie , with CENTAVRE , or MAVIS —

DAV .

You doe not , madame , I perceiue they are your mere foiles .

HAV.

Then are you a friend to truth , sir. It makes mee loue you the more . It is not the outward , but the inward man that I affect . They are not apprehensiue of an eminent perfection , but loue flat , and dully .

CEN.

Where are you , my lady HAVGHTY ?

HAV.

I come presently , CENTAVRE . My chamber , sir , my Page shall show you ; and TRVSTY , my woman , shall be euer awake for you : you need not feare to communicate anything with her , for shee is a FIDELIA . I pray you weare this iewell for my sake , sir DAVPHINE . Where 's MAVIS , CENTAVRE ?

CEN.

Within , madame , a writing . I 'll follow you presently . I 'll but speake a word with sir DAVPHINE .

DAVP.

With me , madame ?

CEN.

Good sir DAVPHINE , doe not trust HAVGHTY , nor make any credit to her , what euer you doe besides . Sir DAVPHINE , I giue you this caution , shee is a perfect courtier , and loues no body , but for her vses : and for her vses , shee loues all . Besides , her physitians giue her out to be none o' the clearest , whether she pay 'hem or no , heau'n knowes : and she 's aboue fiftie too , and pargets ! See her in a fore-noone . Here comes MAVIS , a worse face then shee ! you would not like this , by candle-light . If you 'll come to my chamber one o' these mornings early , or late in an euening , I 'll tell you more . Where 's HAVGHTY , MAVIS ?

MAV .

Within , CENTAVRE .

CEN.

What ha' you , there ?

MAV .

An Italian riddle for sir DAVPHINE , ( you shall not see it yfaith , CENTAVRE . ) Good sir DAVPHINE , solue it for mee . I 'll call for it anon .

CLE.

How now , DAVPHINE ? how do'st thou quit thy selfe of these females ?

DAVP.

'S light , they haunt me like fayries , and giue me iewells here , I cannot be rid of 'hem .

CLE.

O , you must not tell , though .

DAVP.

Masse , I forgot that : I was neuer so assaulted . One loues for vertue , and bribes me with this . Another loues me with caution , and so would possesse me . A third brings me a riddle here , and all are iealous : and raile each at other .

CLE.

A riddle ? pray' le' me see 't ? Sir DAVPHINE , I chose this way of intimation for priuacie . The ladies here , I know , haue both hope , and purpose , to make a collegiate and seruant of you . If I might be so honor'd , as to appeare at any end of so noble a worke , I would enter into a fame of taking physique tomorrow , and continue it foure or fiue dayes , or longer , for your visitation . MAVIS . By my faith , a subtle one ! Call you this a reiddle ? What 's their plaine dealing , trow ?

DAVP.

We lack TRVE-WIT , to tell vs that .

CLE.

We lack him for somewhat else too : his Knights reformados are wound vp as high , and insolent , as euer they were .

DAVP.

You iest .

CLE.

No drunkards , either with wine or vanitie , euer confess'd such stories of themselues . I would not giue a flies leg , in ballance against all the womens reputations here , if they could bee but thought to speake truth : and , for the bride , they haue made their affidauit against her directly —

DAVP.

What , that they haue lyen with her ?

CLE.

Yes , and tell times , and circumstances , with the cause why , and the place where . I had almost brought 'hem to affirme that they had done it , to day .

DAVP.

Not both of 'hem .

CLE.

Yes faith : with a sooth or two more I had effected it . They would ha' set it downe vnder their hands .

DAVP.

Why , they will be our sport , I see , still ! whether we will , or no.

Act V. Scene III. TRVE-WIT , MOROSE , OTTER , CVTBERD , CLERIMONT , DAVPHINE .

O , Are you here ? Come DAVPHINE . Goe , call your vncle presently . I haue fitted my Diuine , & my Canonist , died their beards and all : the knaues doe not know themselues they are so exalted , and alter'd . Preferment changes any man . Thou shalt keepe one dore , and I another , and then CLERIMONT in the midst , that he may haue no meanes of escape from their cauilling , when they grow hot once . And then the women ( as I haue giuen the bride her instructions ) to breake in vpon him , i' the l'enuoy . O , 't will be full and twanging ! Away , fetch him . Come , master Doctor , and master Parson , looke to your parts now , and discharge 'hem brauely : you are well set forth , performe it as well . If you chance to be out , doe not confesse it with standing still , or humming , or gaping one at another : but goe on , and talke alowd , and eagerly , vse vehement action , and onely remember your termes , and you are safe . Let the matter goe where it will : you haue many will doe so . But at first , bee very solemne , and graue like your garments , though you loose your selues after , and skip out like a brace of iugglers on a table . Here hee comes ! set your faces , and looke superciliously , while I present you .

MOR.

Are these the two learned men ?

TRV.

Yes , sir , please you salute 'hem ?

MOR.

Salute 'hem ? I had rather doe any thing , then weare out time so vnfruitfully , sir. I wonder , how these common formes , as god saue you , and you are well-come , are come to be a habit in our liues ! or , I am glad to see you ! when I cannot see , what the profit can bee of these wordes , so long as it is no whit better with him , whose affaires are sad , & grieuous , that he heares this salutation .

TRV.

'T is true , sir , wee 'll goe to the matter then . Gentlemen , master Doctor , and master Pastor , I haue acquainted you sufficiently with the busines , for which you are come hether . And you are not now to enforme your selues in the state of the question , I know . This is the gentleman , who expects your resolution , and therefore , when you please , beginne .

OTT.

Please you , master Doctor .

CVT.

Please you , good master Parson .

OTT.

I would heare the Canon-law speake first .

CVT.

It must giue place to positiue Diuinitie , sir.

MOR.

Nay , good gentlemen , doe not throw me into circumstances . Let your comforts arriue quickly at me , those that are . Be swift in affoording me my peace , if so I shall hope any . I loue not your disputations , or your court-tumults . And that it be not strange to you , I will tell you . My father , in my education , was wont to aduise mee , that I should alwayes collect , and contayne my mind , not suffring it to flow loosely ; that I should looke to what things were necessary to the carriage of my life , and what not : embracing the one and eschewing the other . In short , that I should endeare my selfe to rest , and auoid turmoile : which now is growne to be another nature to me . So that I come not to your publike pleadings , or your places of noise ; not that I neglect those things , that make for the dignitie of the common-wealth : but for the meere auoiding of clamors , & impertinencies of Orators , that know not how to be silent . And for the cause of noise , am I now a sutor to you . You doe not know in what a miserie I haue beene exercis'd this day , what a torrent of euill ! My very house turnes round with the tumult ! I dwell in a wind-mill ! The perpetuall motion is here , and not at Eltham .

TRV.

Well , good master Doctor , will you breake the ice ? master Parson will wade after .

CVT.

Sir , though vnworthy , and the weaker , I will presume .

OTT.

'T is no presumption , domine Doctor .

MOR.

Yet againe !

CVT.

Your question is , for how many causes a man may haue diuortium legitimum , a lawfull diuorce . First , you must vnderstand the nature of the word diuorce , à diuertendo —

MOR.

No excursions vpon words , good Doctor , to the question briefly .

CVT.

I answere then , the Canon-law affords diuorce but in few cases , and the principall is in the common case , the adulterous case . But there are duodecim impedimenta , twelue impediments ( as we call 'hem ) all which doe not dirimere contractum , but irritum reddere matrimonium , as wee say in the Canon-law , not take away the bond , but cause a nullitie therein .

MOR.

I vnderstood you , before : good sir , auoid your impertinencie of translation .

OTT.

He cannot open this too much , sir , by your fauour .

MOR.

Yet more !

TRV.

O , you must giue the learned men leaue , sir. To your impediments , master Doctor .

CVT.

The first is impedimentum erroris .

OTT.

Of which there are seuerall species .

CVT.

I , as error personae .

OTT.

If you contract your selfe to one person , thinking her another .

CVT.

The , error fortunae .

OTT.

If shee be a begger , and you thought her rich .

CVT.

Then , error qualitatis .

OTT.

If shee proue stubborne , or head-strong , that you thought obedient .

MOR.

How ? is that , sir a lawfull impediment ? One at once , I pray you gentlemen .

OTT.

I , ante copulam , but not post copulam , sir.

CVT.

Mr. Parson saies right . Nec post nuptiarum benedictionem . It doth indeed but irrita reddere sponsalia , annull the contract : after marriage it is of no onstancy .

TRV.

Alas , sir , what a hope are we fall'n from , by this time !

CVT.

The next is conditio : if you thought her free borne , and shee proue a bond-woman , there is impediment of estate and condition .

OTT.

I , but Mr. Doctor , those seruitudes are sublatae , now , among vs christians .

CVT.

By your fauour , master Parson —

OTT.

You shall giue me leaue , master Doctor .

MOR.

Nay , gentlemen , quarrell not in that question ; it concernes not my case : passe to the third .

CVT.

Well then , the third is votum . If either partie haue made a vow of chastitie . But that practice , as master Parson said of the other , is taken away among vs , thanks be to discipline . The fourth is cognatio : if the persons be of kinne , within the degrees .

OTT.

I : doe you know , what the degrees are , sir ?

MOR.

No , nor I care not , sir : they offer me no comfort in the question , I am sure .

CVT.

But , there is a branch of this impediment may , which is cognitio spiritualis . If you were her god-father , sir , then the marriage is incestuous .

OTT.

That comment is absurd , and superstitious , master Doctor . I cannot endure it . Are we not all brothers and sisters , and as much a kinne in that , as god-fathers , and god-daughters ?

MOR.

O me ! to end the controuersie , I neuer was a god-father , I neuer was a god-father in my life , sir. Passe to the next .

CVT.

The fift is crimen adulterij : the knowne case . The sixt , cultus disparitas , difference of religion : haue you euer examin'd her , what religion shee is of ?

MOR.

No , I would rather shee were of none , then bee put to the trouble of it !

OTT.

You may haue it done for you , sir.

MOR.

By no meanes , good sir , on , to the rest : shall you euer come to an end , thinke you ?

TRV.

Yes , hee has done halfe , sir. ( On , to the rest ) be patient , and expect , sir.

CVT.

The seuenth is , vis : if it were vpon compulsion , or force .

MOR.

O no , it was too voluntarie , mine : too voluntarie .

CVT.

The eight is , or do : if euer shee haue taken holy orders .

OTT.

That 's superstitious , too .

MOR.

No matter , master Parson : would shee would goe into a nunnerie yet .

CVT.

The ninth is , ligamen : if you were bound , sir , to any other before .

MOR.

I thrust my selfe too soone into these fetters .

CVT.

The tenth is , publica honestas : which is inchoata quaedam affinitas .

OTT.

I , or affinitas orta ex sponsalibus : and is but leue impedimentum .

MOR.

I feele no aire of comfort blowing to me , in all this .

CVT.

The eleuenth is , affitas ex fornicatione .

OTT.

Which is no lesse vera affinitas , then the other , master Doctor .

CVT.

True , quae oritur ex legitimo matrimonio .

OTT.

You say right , venerable Doctor . And , nascitur ex eo , quod per coniugium duae personae efficiuntur vna caro —

MOR.

Hey-day , now they beginne .

CVT.

I conceiue you , master Parson . Ita per fornicationem aeque est verus pater , qui sic generat —

OTT.

Et vere filius qui sic generatur —

MOR.

What 's all this to me ?

CLE.

Now it growes warme .

CVT.

The twelfth , and last is , si forte coire nequibis .

OTT.

I , that is impedimentum grauissimum . It doth vtterly annull , and annihilate , that . If you haue manifestam frigiditatem , you are well , sir .

TRV.

Why , there is comfort come at length , sir . Confesse your selfe but a man vnable , and shee will sue to be diuorc'd first .

OTT.

I , or if there be morbus perpetuus , & insanabilis , as Paralisis , Elephantiasis , or so —

DAV .

O , but frigiditas is the fairer way , gentlemen .

OTT.

You say troth , sir , and as it is in the canon , master Doctor .

CVT.

I conceiue you , sir .

CLE.

Before he speakes .

OTT.

That a boy , or child vnder yeeres , is not fit for marriage , because he cannot reddere debitum . So your omnipotentes —

TRV.

Your impotentes , you whorson Lobster .

OTT.

Your impotentes , I should sa , y , are minime apti ad contrahenda matrimonium .

TRV.

Matrimonium ? Wee shall haue most vn-matrimoniall latin , with you : matrimonia , and be hang'd .

DAV .

You put 'hem out , man .

CVT.

But then there will arise a doubt , master Parson , in our case , post matrimonium : that frigiditate praeditus ( doe you conceiue me , sir ? )

OTT.

Very well , sir.

CVT.

Who cannot vti vxore pro vxore , may habere eam pro sorore .

OTT.

Absurd , absurd , absurd , and merely apostaticall .

CVT.

You shall pardon me , master Parson , I can proue it .

OTT.

You can proue a Will , master Doctor , you can proue nothing else . Do's not the verse of your owne canon say . Haec socianda vetant conubia , facta retractant —

CVT.

I grant you , but how doe they retractare , master Parson ?

MOR.

( O , this was it , I fear'd . )

OTT.

In aeternum , sir.

CVT.

That 's false in diuinitie , by your fauour .

OTT.

'T is false in humanitie , to say so . Is hee not prorsus invtilis ad thorum ? Can he praestare fidem datam ? I would faine know .

CVT.

Yes : how if he doe conualere ?

OTT.

He can not conualere , it is impossible .

TRV.

Nay , good sir , attend the learned men , they 'll thinke you neglect 'hem else .

CVT.

Or , if he doe simulare himselfe frigidum , odio vxoris , or so ?

OTT.

I say , he is adulter manifestus , then .

DAVP.

( They dispute it very learnedly , yfaith . )

OTT.

And prostitutor vxoris , and this is positiue .

MOR.

Good sir , let me escape .

TRV.

You will not doe me that wrong , sir ?

OTT.

And therefore , if he be manifeste frigidus , sir —

CVT.

I , if he be manifeste frigidus , I grant you —

OTT.

Why , that was my conclusion .

CVT.

And mine too .

TRV.

Nay , heare the conclusion , sir.

OTT.

Then , frigiditatis causa —

CVT.

Yes , causa frigiditatis —

MOR.

O , mine eares !

OTT.

Shee may haue libellum diuortij , against you .

CVT.

I , diuortij libellum shee will sure haue .

MOR.

Good eccho's , forbeare .

OTT.

If you confesse it .

CVT.

Which I would doe , sir —

MOR.

I will doe any thing —

OTT.

And cleere my selfe in foro conscientiae —

CVT.

Because you want indeed —

MOR.

Yet more ?

OTT.

Exercendi potestate .

Act V. Scene IIII. EPICOENE , MOROSE , HAVGHTY , CENTAVRE , MAVIS , M rs . OTTER , DAW , TRVE-WIT , DAVPHINE , CLERIMONT , LA-FOOLE , OTTER , CVTBERD .

I Will not endure it any longer . Ladies , I beseech you helpe me . This is such a wrong , as neuer was offer'd to poore bride before . Vpon her marriage day , to haue her husband conspire against her , and a couple of mercinarie companions , to be brought in for formes sake , to perswade a separation ! If you had bloud , or vertue in you , gentlemen , you would not suffer such eare-wigs about a husband , or scorpions , to creep between man and wife —

MOR.

O , the varietie and changes of my torment !

HAV.

Let 'hem be cudgell'd out of dores , by our groomes .

CEN.

I 'll lend you my foot-man .

MAV .

Wee 'll haue our men blanket 'hem i' the hall .

M rs . OT .

As there was one , at our house , madame , for peeping in at the dore .

DAW .

Content , yfaith .

TRV.

Stay , ladies , and gentlemen , you 'll heare , before you proceed ?

MAV .

I 'lld ha' the bride-groome blanketted , too .

CEN.

Beginne with him first .

HAV.

Yes , by my troth .

MOR.

O , mankind generation !

DAVP.

Ladies , for my sake forbeare .

HAV.

Yes , for sir DAVPHINES sake .

CEN.

He shall command vs.

LA-F.

He is as fine a gentleman of his inches , madame , as any is about the towne , and weares as good colours when he list .

TRV.

Be briefe , sir , and confesse your infirmitie , shee 'll be a-fire to be quit of you , if shee but heare that nam'd once , you shall not entreat her to stay . Shee 'll flie you , like one that had the marks vpon him .

MOR.

Ladies , I must craue all your pardons —

TRV.

Silence , ladies .

MOR.

For a wrong I haue done to your whole sexe , in marrying this faire , and vertuous gentlewoman —

CLE.

Heare him , good ladies .

MOR.

Being guiltie of an infirmitie , which before I confer'd with these learned men , I thought I might haue conceal'd —

TRV.

But now being better inform'd in his conscience by them , hee is to declare it , & giue satisfaction , by asking your publique forgiuenesse .

MOR.

I am no man , ladies .

ALL.

How !

MOR.

Vtterly vn-abled in nature , by reason of frigidity , to performe the duties , or any the least office of a husband .

MAV .

Now , out vpon him , prodigious creature !

CEN.

Bride-groome vncarnate .

HAV.

And would you offer it , to a young gentlewoman ?

M rs . OT .

A lady of her longings ?

EPI .

Tut , a deuice , a deuice , this , it smells rankly , ladies . A mere comment of his owne .

TRV.

Why , if you suspect that , ladies , you may haue him search'd .

DAW .

As the custome is , by a iurie of physitians .

LA-F.

Yes faith , 't will be braue .

MOR.

O me , must I vnder-goe that !

M rs . OT .

No , let women search him , madame : we can doe it our selues .

MOR.

Out on me , worse !

EPI .

No , ladies , you shall not need , I 'll take him with all his faults .

MOR.

Worst of all !

CLE.

Why , then 't is no diuorce , Doctor , if shee consent not ?

CVT.

No , if the man be frigidus , it is de parte vxoris , that wee grant libellum diuortij , in the law .

OTT.

I , it is the same in theologie .

MOR.

Worse , worse then worst !

TRV.

Nay , sir , bee not vtterly dis-heartned , wee haue yet a small relique of hope left , as neere as our comfort is blowne out . CLERIMONT , produce your brace of Knights . What was that , master Parson , you told me in errore qualitatis , e'ne now ? DAVPHINE , whisper the bride , that shee carry it as if shee were guiltie , and asham'd .

OTT.

Mary sir , in errore qualitatis ( which master Doctor did forbeare to vrge ) if shee bee found corrupta , that is , vitiated or broken vp , that was pro virgine desponsa , espous'd for a maid —

MOR.

What then , sir ?

OTT.

It doth dirimere contractum , and irritum reddere too .

TRV.

If this be true , we are happy againe , sir , once more . Here are an honorable brace of Knights , that shall affirme so much .

DAW .

Pardon vs , good master CLERIMONT .

LA-F.

You shall excuse vs , master CLERIMONT .

CLE.

Nay , you must make it good now , Knights , there is no remedie , I 'll eate no words for you , nor no men : you know you spoke it to me ?

DAW .

Is this gentleman-like , sir ?

TRV.

IACK DAW , hee 's worse then sir AMOROVS : fiercer a great deale . Sir AMOROVS , beware , there be ten DAWES in this CLERIMONT .

LA-F.

I 'll confesse it , sir .

DAW .

Will you , sir AMOROVS ? will you wound reputation ?

LA-F.

I am resolu'd .

TRV.

So should you be too , IACK DAW : what should keepe you off ?

DAW .

Will he ? I thought he would ha' beene angrie .

CLE.

You will dispatch , Knights , it must be done , yfaith .

TRV.

Why , an' it must it shall , sir , they say . They 'll ne're goe backe . Doe not tempt his patience .

DAW .

It is true indeed , sir .

LA-F.

Yes , I assure you , sir .

MOR.

What is true gentlemen ? what doe you assure me ?

DAW .

That we haue knowne your bride , sir —

LA-F.

In good fashion . Shee was our mistris , or so —

CLE.

Nay , you must be plaine , Knights , as you were to me .

OTT.

I , the question is , if you haue carnaliter , or no.

LA-F.

Carnaliter ? what else , sir ?

OTT.

It is inough : a plaine nullitie .

EPI .

I am vn-done , I am vn-done !

MOR.

O , let me worship and adore you , gentlemen !

EPI .

I am vn-done !

MOR.

Yes , to my hand , I thanke these Knights : master Parson , let me thanke you otherwise .

CEN.

And , ha' they confess'd ?

MAV .

Now out vpon 'hem , informers !

TRV.

You see , what creatures you may bestow your fauours on , madames .

HAV.

I would except against 'hem as beaten Knights , wench , and not good witnesses in law .

M rs . OT .

Poore gentlewoman , how shee takes it !

HAV.

Be comforted , MOROSE , I loue the better for 't .

CEN.

So doe I , I protest .

CVT.

But gentlemen , you haue not knowne her , since matrimonium ?

DAW .

Not to day , master Doctor .

LA-F.

No , sir , not to day .

CVT.

Why , then I say , for any act before , the matrimonium is good and perfect : vnlesse , the worshipfull Bride-groome did precise , before witnesse demand , if shee were virgo ante nuptias .

EPI .

No , that he did not , I assure you , master Doctor .

CVT.

If he cannot proue that , it is ratum coniugium , notwithstanding the premises . And they doe no way impedire . And this is my sentence , this I pronounce .

OTT.

I am of master Doctors resolution too , sir : if you made not that demand , ante nuptias .

MOR.

O my heart ! wilt thou breake ? wilt thou breake ? this is worst of all worst worsts ! that hell could haue deuis'd ! Marry a whore ! and so much noise !

DAVP.

Come , I see now plaine confederacie in this Doctor , and this Parson , to abuse a gentleman . You studie his affliction . I pray' bee gone companions . And gentlemen , I begin to suspect you for hauing parts with 'hem . Sir , will it please you heare me ?

MOR.

O , doe not talke to me , take not from mee the pleasure of dying in silence , nephew .

DAVP.

Sir , I must speake to you . I haue beene long your poore despis'd kins-man , and many a hard thought has strength'ned you against me : but now it shall appeare if either I loue you or your peace , and preferre them to all the world beside . I will not bee long or grieuous to you , sir. If I free you of this vnhappy match absolutely , and instantly after all this trouble , and almost in your despaire , now —

MOR.

( It cannot be . )

DAVP.

Sir , that you bee neuer troubled with a murmure of it more , what shall I hope for , or deserue of you ?

MOR.

O , what thou wilt , nephew ! thou shalt deserue mee , and haue mee .

DAVP.

Shall I haue your fauour perfect to me , and loue hereafter ?

MOR.

That , and any thing beside . Make thine owne conditions . My whole estate is thine . Manage it , I will become thy Ward .

DAVP.

Nay , sir , I will not be so vn-reasonable .

EPI .

Will sir DAVPHINE be mine enemie too ?

DAVP.

You know , I haue beene long a suter to you , vncle , that out of your estate , which is fifteen hundred a yeere , you would allow me but fiue hundred during life , and assure the rest vpon me after : to which I haue often , by my selfe and friends tendred you a writing to signe , which you would neuer consent , or incline too . If you please but to effect it now —

MOR.

Thou shalt haue it , nephew . I will doe it , and more .

DAVP.

If I quit you not presently ? and for-euer of this cumber , you shall haue power instantly , afore all these , to reuoke your act , and I will become , whose slaue you will giue me to , for-euer .

MOR.

Where is the writing ? I will seale to it , that , or to a blanke , and write thine owne conditions .

EPI .

O me , most vnfortunate wretched gentlewoman !

HAV.

Will sir DAVPHINE doe this ?

EPI .

Good sir , haue some compassion on me .

MOR.

O , my nephew knowes you belike : away crocodile .

CEN.

He do's it not sure , without good ground .

DAVP.

Here , sir.

MOR.

Come , nephew : giue me the pen. I will subscribe to any thing , and seale to what thou wilt , for my deliuerance . Thou art my restorer . Here , I deliuer it thee as my deed . If there bee a word in it lacking , or writ with false orthographie , I protest before — I will not take the aduantage .

DAVP. He takes of Epicoenes perruke .

Then here is your release , sir ; you haue married a boy : a gentlemans son , that I haue brought vp this halfe yeere , at my great charges , and for this composition , which I haue now made with you . What say you , master Doctor ? this is iustum impedimentum , I hope , error personae ?

OTT.

Yes sir , in primo gradu .

CVT.

In primo gradu .

DAVP. He pulls of their beardes , and disguise .

I thanke you , good Doctor CVTBERD , and Parson OTTER . You are beholden to 'hem , sir , that haue taken this paines for you : and my friend , master TRVE-WIT , who enabled 'hem for the businesse . Now you may goe in and rest , be as priuate as you will , sir. I 'll not trouble you , till you trouble me with your funerall , which I care not how soone it come . CVTBERD , I 'll make your lease good . Thanke mee not , but with your leg , CVTBERD . And TOM OTTER , your Princesse shall be reconcil'd to you . How now , gentlemen ! doe you looke at me ?

CLE.

A boy .

DAVP.

Yes , mistris EPICOENE .

TRV.

Well , DAVPHINE , you haue lurch'd your friends of the better halfe of the garland , by concealing this part of the plot ! but much good doe it thee , thou deseru'st it , lad . And CLERIMONT , for thy vnexpected bringing in these two to confession , weare my part of it freely . Nay , sir DAW , and sir LA-FOOLE , you see the gentlewoman that has done you the fauours ! we are all thankefull to you , and so should the woman-kind here , specially for lying on her , though not with her ! You meant so , I am sure ? But , that we haue stuck it vpon you to day , in your own imagin'd persons , and so lately ; this Amazon , the champion of the sexe , should beate you now thriftily , for the common slanders , which ladies receiue from such cuckowes , as you are . You are they , that when no merit or fortune can make you hope to enioy their bodies , will yet lie with their reputations , and make their fame suffer . Away you common moths of these , and all ladies honors . Goe , trauaile to make legs and faces , and come home with some new matter to be laught at : you deserue to liue in an aire as corrupted , as that wherewith you feed rumor . Madames , you are mute , vpon this new metamorphosis ! but here stands shee , that has vindicated your fames . Take heed of such insectae hereafter . And let it not trouble you that you haue discouer'd any mysteries to this yong gentleman . He is ( a'most ) of yeeres , & will make a good visitant within this twelue-month . In the meane time , wee 'll all vndertake for his secrecie , that can speake so well of his silence . Spectators , if you like this comoedie , rise cheerefully , and now MOROSE is gone in , clap your hands . It may be , that noyse will cure him , at least please him .

THE END .
Notes, typically marginal, from the original text
Notes for div A04632-e361770

This Comoedie was first acted , in the yeere 1609.

By the Children of her Maiesties REVELLS .

The principall Comoedians were , NAT. FIELD . GIL . CARIE . HVG . ATTAWEL . IOH. SMITH . WILL . BARKSTED . WILL . PEN . RIC. ALLIN . IOH. BLANET .

With the allowance of the Master of REVELLS .