The Staple of News

THE STAPLE OF NEWES . A COMEDIE ACTED IN THE YEARE , 1625 . BY HIS MAIESTIES SERVANTS .

The Author BEN : IONSON .

HOR. in ART POET. Aut prodesse volunt , aut delectare poetae : Aut simul & iucunda , & idonea dicere vitae

LONDON , Printed by I. B. for ROBERT ALLOT , and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare , in Pauls Church-yard . 1631 .

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY . PENI-BOY . the Sonne , the heire and Suiter . PENI-BOY . the Father . the Canter . PENI-BOY . the Vncle . The Vsurer . CYMBAL . Master of the Staple , and prime Ieerer . FITTON . Emissary Court , and Ieerer . ALMANACH Doctor in Physick , and Ieerer . SHVN-FIELD . Sea-captaine , and Ieerer . MADRIGAL . Poetaster , and Ieerer . PICKLOCK . Man o' law , and Emissary Westminster . PYED-MANTLE . Pursiuant at armes , and Heraldet . REGISTER . Of the Staple , or Office . NATHANEEL . First Clerke of the Office . Tho: BARBR . Second Clerke of the Office . PECVNIA . Infanta of the Mynes . MORTGAGE . Her Nurse . STATVTE . First Woman . BAND . Second Woman . WAXE . Chambermaid . BROKER . Secretary , and Gentleman vsher to her Grace . LICK-FINGER . A Master Cooke , and parcell Poet . FASHIONER . The Taylor of the times . LINENER . HABERDASHER . SHOOMAKER . SPVRRIER . CVSTOMERS . Male and Female . PORTER . DOGGES . II .

The SCENE . London .

THE INDVCTION . The PROLOGVE enters . After him , Gossip MIRTH. Gos . TATLE. Gos . EXPECTATION . and Gossip CENSVRE . 4. Gentlewomen LADY-like attyred . PROLOGVE .

FOr your owne sake , not ours —

MIRTH.

Come Gossip , be not asham'd . The Play is the Staple of Newes , and you are the Mistresse , and Lady of Tatle , let 's ha' your opinion of it : Do you heare Gentleman ? what are you ? Gentleman-vsher to the Play ? pray you helpe vs to some stooles here .

PROLOGVE .

Where ? o' the Stage , Ladies ?

MIRTH.

Yes , o' the Stage ; wee are persons of quality , I assure you , and women of fashion ; and come to see , and to be seene : My Gossip Tatle here , and Gossip Expectation , and my Gossip Censure , and I am Mirth , the daughter of Christmas , and spirit of Shrouetide . They say , It 's merry when Gossips meet , I hope your Play will be a merry one !

PROLOGVE

Or you will make it such , Ladies . Bring a forme here , but what will the Noblemen thinke , or the graue Wits here , to see you seated on the bench thus ?

MIRTH.

Why , what should they thinke ? but that they had Mothers , as we had , and those Mothers had Gossips ( if their children were christned ) as we are , and such as had a longing to see Playes , and sit vpon them , as wee doe , and arraigne both them , and their Poëts .

PROLOGVE .

O! Is that your purpose ? Why , Mrs. Mirth , and Madame Tatle , enioy your delights freely .

TATLE.

Looke your Newes be new , and fresh , Mr. Prologue , and vntainted , I shall find them else , if they be stale , or flye-blowne , quickly !

PROLOGVE .

Wee aske no fauour from you , onely wee would entreate of Madame Expectation —

EXPECTATION .

What , Mr. Prologue ?

PROLOGVE .

That your Ladi-ship would expect no more then you vnderstand .

EXPECTATION .

Sir , I can expect enough !

PROLOGVE .

I feare too much , Lady , and teach others to do the like ?

EXPECTATION .

I can doe that too , if I haue cause .

PROLOGVE .

Cry you mercy , you neuer did wrong , but with iust cause . What 's this , Lady ?

MIRTH.

Curiosity , my Lady Censure .

PROLOGVE .

O Curiosity ! you come to see , who weares the new sute to day ? whose clothes are best penn'd , what euer the part be ? which Actor has the best legge and foote ? what King playes without cuffes ? and his Queene without gloues ? who rides post in stockings ? and daunces in bootes ?

CENSVRE .

Yes , and which amorous Prince makes loue in drinke , or doe's ouer-act prodigiously in beaten satten , and , hauing got the tricke on 't , will be monstrous still , in despight of Counsell !

BOOK-HOLDER .

The Tire-men enter to mend the lights . Mend your lights , Gentlemen . Master Prologue , beginne .

TATLE.

Ay me !

EXPECTATION ,

Who 's that ?

PROLOGVE .

Nay , start not Ladies , these carry no fire-workes to fright you , but a Torch i' their hands , to giue light to the businesse . The truth is , there are a set of gamesters within , in travell of a thing call'd a Play , and would faine be deliuer'd of it : and they haue intreated me to be their Man-Midwife , the Prologue ; for they are like to haue a hard labour on 't .

TATLE.

Then the Poet has abus'd himselfe , like an Asse , as hee is .

MIRTH.

No , his Actors will abuse him enough , or I am deceiu'd . Yonder he is within ( I was i' the Tiring-house a while to see the Actors drest ) rowling himselfe vp and downe like a tun , i' the midst of 'hem , and spurges , neuer did vessel of wort , or wine worke so ! His sweating put me in minde of a good Shrouing dish ( and I beleeue would be taken vp for a seruice of state somewhere , an 't were knowne ) a stew'd Poet ▪ He doth sit like an vnbrac'd Drum with one of his heads beaten out : For , that you must note , a Poet hath two heads , as a Drum has , one for making , the other repeating , and his repeating head is all to pieces : they may gather it vp i' the tiring-house ; for hee hath torne the booke in a Poeticall fury , and put himselfe to silence in dead Sacke , which , were there no other vexation , were sufficient to make him the most miserable Embleme of patience .

CENSVRE .

The Prologue , peace .

THE PROLOGVE FOR THE STAGE . FOr your owne sakes , not his , he bad me say , Would you were come to heare , not see a Play . Though we his Actors must prouide for those , Who are our guests , here , in the way of showes , The maker hath not so ; he 'ld haue you wise , Much rather by your eares , then by your eyes : And prayes you 'll not preiudge his Play for ill , Because you marke it not , and sit not still ; But haue a longing to salute , or talke With such a female , and from her to walke With your discourse , to what is done , and where , How , and by whom , in all the towne ; but here . Alas ! what is it to his Scene , to know How many Coaches in Hide-parke did show Last spring , what fare to day at Medleyes was , If Dunstan , or the Phoenix best wine has ? They are things — But yet , the Stage might stand as wel , If it did neither heare these things , nor tell . Great noble wits , be good vnto your selues , And make a difference 'twixt Poetique elues , And Poets : All that dable in the inke , And defile quills , are not those few , can thinke , Conceiue , expresse , and steere the soules of men , As with a rudder , round thus , with their pen . He must be one that can instruct your youth , And keepe your Acme in the state of truth , Must enterprize this worke , marke but his wayes , What flight he makes , how new ; And then he sayes , If that not like you , that he sends to night , 'T is you haue left to iudge , not hee to write ▪

THE PROLOGVE FOR THE COVRT . A Worke not smelling of the Lampe , to night , But fitted for your Maiesties disport , And writ to the Meridian of your Court , Wee bring ; and hope it may produce delight : The rather , being offered , as a Rite To Schollers , that can iudge , and faire report The sense they heare , aboue the vulgar sort Of Nut-crackers , that onely come for sight . Wherein , although our Title , Sir , be Newes . Wee yet aduenture , here , to tell you none ; But shew you common follies , and so knowne , That though they are not truths , th' innocent Muse Hath made so like , as Phant'sie could them state , Or Poetry , without scandall , imitate .

THE STAPLE OF NEWES .

ACT. I. SCENE . I. PENI-BOY . IV. LETHER-LEGGE . GRamercie Letherleg : Get me the Spurrier , * * His Shooe-maker has pull'd on a new payre of bootes ; and hee walks in his Gowne , wastcoate , and trouses , expecting his Taylor . And thou hast fitted me . LET.

I 'll do 't presently .

P. IV. Look to me , wit , and look to my wit , Land , That is , looke on me , and with all thine eyes , Male , Female , yea , Hermaphroditicke eyes , And those bring all your helpes , and perspicills , To see me at best aduantage , and augment My forme as I come forth , for I doe feele I will be one , worth looking after , shortly . Now , by and by , that 's shortly . * * He drawes foorth his watch , and sets it on the Table . 't strikes ! One , two , Three , foure , fiue , six . Inough , inough , deare watch , Thy pulse hath beate inough . Now sleepe , and rest ; Would thou couldst make the time to doe so too : I 'll winde thee vp no more . The houre is come So long expected ! There , there , * * He throws off his gowne drop my wardship , My pupill age , and vassalage together . And Liberty , come throw thy selfe about me , In a rich suite , cloake , hat , and band , for now I 'le sue out no mans Liuery , but mine owne , I stand on my owne feete , so much a yeere , Right , round , and sound , the Lord of mine owne ground , And ( to ryme to it ) threescore thousand Pound ! * * He goes to the doore , and lookes . Not come ? Not yet ? Taylor thou art a vermine , Worse then the same thou prosecut'st , and prick'st In subtill seame — ( Go too , I say no more ) Thus to retard my longings : on the day I doe write man , to beat thee . One and twenty , Since the clock strooke , compleat ! and thou wilt feele it Thou foolish Animall ! I could pitty him , ( An' I were not heartily angry with him now ) For this one peece of folly he beares about him , To dare to tempt the Furie of an heyre , T' aboue two thousand a yeere ; yet hope his custome ! Well , Mr. Fashioner , there 's some must breake — A head , for this your breaking . Are you come , Sir ,

ACT. II. SCENE . IJ. FASHIONER . PENIBOY . THOMAS BARBER . HABERDASHER .

GOd giue your worship ioy .

P. IV. What ? of your staying ? And leauing me to stalke here in my trowses , Like a tame Her'n-sew for you ? FAS. I but waited Below , till the clocke strooke . P. IV. Why , if you had come Before a quarter , would it so haue hurt you , In reputation , to haue wayted here ? FAS. No , but your worship might haue pleaded nonage , If you had got 'hem on , ere I could make Iust Affidauit of the time . P. IV. That iest Has gain'd thy pardon , thou had'st liu'd , condemn'd To thine owne hell else , neuer to haue wrought Stitch more for me , or any Peniboy , I could haue hindred thee : but now thou art mine . For one and twenty yeeres , or for three liues , Chuse which thou wilt , I 'll make thee a Copy-holder , He sayes his sute . And thy first Bill vnquestion'd . Helpe me on . FAS.

Presently , Sir , I am bound vnto your worship .

P. IV.

Thou shalt be , when I haue seal'd thee a Lease of my Custome .

FAS.

Your worps , Barbar is without .

P. IN. Who ? Thom ? Come in Thom: set thy things vpon the Boord And spread thy clothes , lay all forth in procinctu , And tell 's what newes ? THO. O Sir , a staple of newes ! Or the New Staple , which you please . P. IV.

What 's that ?

FAS. An Office , Sir , a braue young Office set vp . I had forgot to tell your worship . P. IV.

For what ?

THO. To enter all the Newes , Sir , o' the time , FAS. And vent it as occasion serues ! A place Of huge commerce it will be ! P. IV. Pray thee peace , I cannot abide a talking Taylor : let Thom ( He 's a Barber ) by his place relate it , What is 't , an Office , Thom ? THO. Newly erected Here in the house , almost on the same floore , Where all the newes of all sorts shall be brought , And there be examin'd , and then registred , And so be issu'd vnder the Seale of the Office , As Staple Newes ; no other newes be currant . P. IV.

'Fore me , thou speak'st of a braue busines , Thom.

FAS. Nay , if you knew the brain that hatch'd it Sr — P. IV. I know thee wel inough : giue him a loaf , Thom — Quiet his mouth , that Ouen will be venting else . Proceed — THO. He tels you true Sr. Mr Cymbal , Is Master of the Office , he proiected it , Hee lies here i' the house : and the great roomes He has taken for the Office , and set vp His Deskes and Classes , Tables and his Shelues , FAS. He 's my Customer , and a Wit Sir , too . But , h' has braue wits vnder him — THO. Yes , foure Emissaries , P. IV. Emissaries ? stay , there 's a fine new word , Thom ! 'Pray God it signifie any thing , what are Emissaries ? THO. Men imploy'd outward , that are sent abroad To fetch in the commodity . FAS. From all regions Where the best newes are made . THO.

Or vented forth .

FAS.

By way of exchange , or trade .

P. IV. Nay , thou wilt speak — FAS.

My share Sr. there 's enough for both .

P. IV. Goe on then , Hee giues the Taylor leaue to talk . Speake all thou canst : me thinkes , the ordinaries Should helpe them much . FAS. Sir , they haue ordinaries , And extraordinaries , as many changes , And variations , as there are points i' the compasse . THO. But the 4. Cardinall Quarters — P. IV. I , those Thom — THO.

The Court , Sir , Pauls , Exchange , and Westminster-hall .

P. IV.

Who is the Chiefe ? which hath preceedencie ?

THO. The gouernour o' the Staple , Master Cymball . He is the Chiefe ; and after him the Emissaries : First Emissary Court , one Master Fitton , He 's a Ieerer too . P. IV.

What 's that ?

FAS.

A Wit .

THO. Or halfe a Wit , some of them are Halfe-wits , Two to a Wit , there are a set of 'hem . Then Master Ambler , Emissary Paules , A fine pac'd gentleman , as you shall see , walke The middle I le : And then my Froy Hans Buz , A Dutch-man ; he 's Emissary Exhange . FAS.

I had thought Mr. Burst the Marchant had had it .

THO. No , He has a rupture , hee has sprung a leake , Emissarie Westminster 's vndispos'd of yet ; Then the Examiner , Register , and two Clerkes , They mannage all at home , and sort , and file , And seale the newes , and issue them . P. IV. Thom , deare Thom. What may my meanes doe for thee , aske , and haue it , I 'd faine be doing some good . It is my birth-day . And I 'd doe it betimes , I feele a grudging Of bounty , and I would not long lye fallow . I pray thee thinke , and speake , or wish for something . THO. I would I had but one o' the Clerkes places , I'th is Newes Office , . P. IV. Thou shalt haue it , Thom , If siluer , or gold will fetch it ; what 's the rate ? At what is 't set i' the Mercat ? THO.

Fiftie pound , Sir .

P. IV.

An 't were a hundred , Thom , thou shalt not want it .

FAS.

The Taylor leapes , and embraceth him . O Noble Master !

P. IV. How now Aesops Asse ! Because I play with Thom , must I needes runne Into your rude embraces ? stand you still , Sir ; Clownes fawnings , are a horses salutations . How do'st thou like my suite , Thom ? THO. Mr Fashioner Has hit your measures , Sir , h' has moulded you , And made you , as they say . FAS. No , no , not I , I am an Asse , old Aesops Asse . P. IV. Nay , Fashioner , I can doe thee a good turne too , be not musty , Though thou hast moulded me , as little Thom sayes , He drawes out his pockets . ( I thinke thou hast put me in mouldy pockets . ) FAS. As good , Right Spanish perfume , the Lady Estifania's , They cost twelue pound a payre . P. IV. Thy bill will say so . I pray thee tell me , Fashioner , what Authors Thou read'st to helpe thy inuention ? Italian prints ? Or Arras hangings ? They are Taylors Libraries . FAS.

I scorne such helps .

P. IV. O , though thou art a silk-worme ! And deal'st in sattins and veluets , and rich plushes , Thou canst not spin all formes out of thy selfe ; They are quite other things : I thinke this suite Has made me wittier , then I was . FAS. Belieue it Sir , That clothes doe much vpon the wit , as weather Do's on the braine ; and thence comes your prouerbe ; The Taylor makes the man : I speake by experience Of my owne Customers . I haue had Gallants , Both Court and Countrey , would ha' fool'd you vp In a new suite , with the best wits , in being , And kept their speed , as long as their clothes lasted Han'some , and neate ; but then as they grew out At the elbowes againe , or had a staine , or spot , They haue sunke most wretchedly . P. IV. What thou report'st , Is but the common calamity , and seene daily ; And therefore you haue another answering prouerbe : A broken sleeue keepes the arme backe , FAS. 'T is true , Sir . And thence wee say , that such a one playes at peepe-arme . P. IV. Doe you so ? it is wittily sayd . I wonder , Gentlemen , And men of meanes will not maintaine themselues Fresher in wit , I meane in clothes , to the highest . For hee that 's out o' clothes , is out o 'fashion , And out of fashion , is out of countenance , And out o' countenance , is out o' Wit . Is not Rogue Haberdasher come ? HAB. Yes , here , Sir . They are all about him , busie . I ha' beene without this halfe houre . P IV. Giue me my hat . Put on my Girdle . Rascall , sits my Ruffe well ? LIN.

In print .

P. IV.

Slaue .

LIN.

See your selfe .

P. IV. ●s this same hat O' the blocke passant ? Do not answer mee , I cannot stay for an answer . I doe feele The powers of one and twenty , like a tide Flow in vpon mee , and perceiue an Heyre , Can Coniure vp all spirits in all circles , Rogue , Rascall , Slaue ▪ giue tradesmen their true names , And they appeare to 'hem presently . LIN.

For profit .

P. IV. Come cast my cloake about me , I 'll goe see , This Office Thom , and be trimm'd afterwards . I 'll put thee in possession , my prime worke ! Gods so ▪ my Spurrier ! put hem on boy , quickly , His Spurrier comes in . 〈…〉 lost my Spurres with too much speed .

ACT. I. SCENE . IIJ. PENI-BOY , Canter . to them singing . Good morning to my Ioy , My iolly Peni-boy ! The Lord , and the Prince of plenty ! I come to see what riches , Thou bearest in thy breeches , The first of thy one and twenty ▪ What , doe thy pockets gingle ? Or shall wee neede to mingle Our strength both of foote and horses ! These fellows looke so eager , As if they would beleaguer An Heyre in the midst of his forces ! I hope they be no Serieants ! That hang vpon thy margents . This Rogue has the Ioule of a Iaylor ▪ P. IV. O Founder , no such matter , My Spurrier , and my Hatter , The young Peny-boy answers in tune . My Linnen man , and my Taylor . Thou should'st haue beene brought in too , Shoomaker , If the time had beene longer , and Thom Barber . How do'st thou like my company , old Canter ? Doe I not muster a braue troupe ? all Bill-men ? Present your Armes , before my Founder here , This is my Founder , this same learned Canter ! He brought me the first newes of my fathers death , He takes the bils , and puts them vp in his pockets . I thanke him , and euer since , I call him Founder ▪ Worship him , boyes , I 'll read onely the summes . And passe 'hem streight . SHO.

Now Ale .

REST.

And strong Ale blesse him .

P. IV. Gods so , some Ale , and Sugar for my Founder ! Good Bills , sufficient Bills , these Bills may passe . P. CA. I do not like those paper-squibs , good Master . They may vndoe your store , I meane , of Credit , And fire your Arsenall , if case you doe not In time make good those outerworkes , your pockets , And take a Garrison in of some two hundred , To beat these Pyoners off , that carry a Mine Would blow you vp , at last . Secure your Casamates , Here Master Picklocke , Sir , your man o' Law , And learn'd Attorney , has sent you a Bag of munition . P. IV.

What is 't ?

P. CA.

Three hundred pieces .

P. IV.

I 'll dispatch 'hem .

P. CA. Do , I would haue your strengths lin'd , and perfum'd With Gold , as well as Amber . P. IV. God a mercy , Come , Ad soluendum , boyes ! there , there , and there , &c. He payes all . I looke on nothing but Totalis . P. CA· See! The difference 'twixt the couetous , and the prodigall ! " The Couetous man neuer has money ! and " The Prodigall will haue none shortly ! P. IV. Ha , What saies my Founder ? I thanke you , I thanke you Sirs . ALL .

God blesse your worship , and your worships Chanter .

P CA. I say 't is nobly done , to cherish Shop-keepers , And pay their Bills , without examining thus . P. IV. Alas ! they haue had a pittifull hard time on 't , A long vacation , from their coozening . Poore Rascalls , I doe doe it out of charity . I would aduance their trade againe , and haue them Haste to be rich , sweare , and forsweare wealthily , What doe you stay for , Sirrah ? SPV. To my boxe Sir , P. IV. Your boxe , why , there 's an angel , if my Spurres He giues the Spurrier , to his boxe . Be not right Rippon . SPV. Giue me neuer a penny If I strike not thorow your bounty with the Rowells . P. IV.

Do'st thou want any money Founder ?

P. CA. Who , Sr. I , Did I not tell you I was bred i' the Mines , Vnder Sir Beuis Bullion . P. IV. That is true , I quite forgot , you Myne-men want no money , Your streets are pau'd with 't : there , the molten siluer Runns out like creame , on cakes of gold . P. CA. And Rubies Doe grow like Strawberries . P. IV. 'T were braue being there ! Come Thom , we 'll go to the Office now . P. CA.

What Office ?

P. IV. Newes Office , the New Staple ; thou shalt goe too , 'T is here i' the house , on the same floore , Thom. sayes , Come , Founder , let vs trade in Ale , and nutmegges .

ACT. I. SCENE . IIII . REGISTER . CLERKE . WOMAN . WHat , are those Desks fit now ? set forth the Table , The Carpet and the Chayre : where are the Newes That were examin'd last ? ha' you fil'd them vp ? CLE.

Not yet , I had no time .

REG. Are those newes registred , That Emissary Buz sent in last night ? Of Spinola , and his Egges ? CLE.

Yes Sir , and fil'd .

REG.

What are you now vpon ?

CLE. That our new Emissary Westminster , gaue vs , of the Golden Heyre . REG. Dispatch , that 's newes indeed , and of importance . What would you haue good woman ? WO. I would haue Sir , A groatsworth of any Newes , I care not what , A countrey-woman waites there . To carry downe this Saturday , to our Vicar . REG. O! You are a Butterwoman , aske Nathaniel The Clerke , there . CLE. Sir , I tell her , she must stay Till Emissary Exchange , or Pauls send in , And then I 'll fit her . REG. Doe good woman , haue patience , It is not now , as when the Captaine liu'd . CLE. You 'll blast the reputation of the Office , Now i' the Bud , if you dispatch these Groats , So soone : let them attend in name of policie .

ACT. I. SCENE . V. PENIBOY . CYMBAL . FITTON . Tho: BARBER . CANTER .

IN troth they are dainty roomes ; what place is this ?

CYM. This is the outer roome , where my Clerkes sit ▪ And keepe their sides , the Register i' the midst , The Examiner , he sits priuate there , within , And here I haue my seuerall Rowles , and Fyles Of Newes by the Alphabet , and all put vp Vnder their heads . P. IV.

But those , too , subdiuided ?

CYM.

Into Authenticall , and Apocryphall .

FIT.

Or Newes of doubtfull credit , as Barbers newes .

CYM. And Taylors Newes , Porters , and Watermens newes , FIT.

Whereto , beside the Coranto , and Gazetti .

CYM.

I haue the Newes of the season .

FIT. As vacation newes , Terme-newes , and Christmas-newes . CIM.

And newes o' the faction .

FIT. As the Reformed newes , Protestant newes , CYM. And Pontificiall newes , of all which seuerall , The Day-bookes , Characters , Precedents are kept . Together with the names of speciall friends — FIT. And men of Correspondence i' the Countrey — CYM. Yes , of all ranks , and all Religions . — FIT. Factors , and Agents — CYM. Liegers , that lie out Through all the Shires o' the kingdome . P. IV. This is fine ! And beates a braue relation ! but what sayes Mercurius Britannicus to this ? CYM

O Sir , he gaines by 't halfe in halfe .

FIT. Nay more I 'll stand to 't . For , where he was wont to get In , hungry Captaines ▪ obscure Statesmen . CYM. Fellowes To drinke with him in a darke roome in a Tauerne , And eat a Sawsage . FIT. We ha' seen 't , CYM. As faine , To keepe so many politique pennes Going , to feed the presse . FIT. And dish out newes , Were 't true , or false . CYM. Now all that charge is sau'd The publique Chronicler . FIT.

How , doe you call him there ?

CYM.

And gentle Reader .

FIT. He that has the maidenhead Of all the bookes . CYM. Yes , dedicated to him , FIT.

Or rather prostituted .

P. IV.

You are right , Sir .

CYM. No more shall be abus'd , nor countrey-Parsons O' the Inquisition , nor busie Iustices , Trouble the peace , and both torment themselues , And their poore ign'rant Neighbours with enquiries After the many , and most innocent Monsters , That neuer came i' th' Counties they were charg'd with . P. IV. Why , me thinkes Sir , if the honest common people Will be abus'd , why should not they ha' their pleasure , In the belieuing Lyes , are made for them ; As you i' th' Office , making them your selues ? FIT.

O Sir ! it is the printing we oppose .

CYM. We not forbid that any Newes , be made , But that 't be printed ; for when Newes is printed , It leaues Sir to be Newes . while 't is but written — FIT.

Though it be ne're so false , it runnes Newes still .

P. IV. See diuers mens opinions ! vnto some , The very printing of them , makes them Newes ; That ha' not the heart to beleeue any thing , But what they see in print . FIT. I , that 's an Error Ha's abus'd many ; but we shall reforme it , As many things beside ( we haue a hope ) Are crept among the popular abuses . CYM. Nor shall the Stationer cheat vpon the Time , By buttering ouer againe — FIT. once , in Seuen Yeares , As the age doates — CYM: And growes forgetfull o' them , His antiquated Pamphlets , with new dates . But all shall come from the Mint . FIT. Fresh and new stamp'd , CYM.

With the Office-Seale , Staple Commoditie .

FIT. And if a man will assure his Newes , he may : Two-pence a Sheet he shall be warranted , And haue a policie for 't . P. IV. Sir , I admire The method o' your place ; all things within 't Are so digested , fitted , and compos'd , As it shewes Wit had married Order . FIT.

Sir .

CYM.

The best wee could to inuite the Times .

FIT. It ha's Cost sweat , and freesing . CYM. And some broken sleepes Before it came to this . P. IV.

I easily thinke it .

FIT. But now it ha's the shape — CYM.

And is come forth .

P. IV. A most polite neat thing ! with all the limbs , As sense can tast ! CYM. It is Sir , though I say it , As well-begotten a busines , and as fairely Helpt to the World . P. IV. You must be a Mid-wife Sir ! Or els the sonne of a Mid-wife ! ( pray you pardon me ) Haue helpt it forth so happily ! what Newes ha' you ? Newes o' this morning ? I would faine heare some Fresh , from the forge ( as new as day , as they say . ) CYM.

And such we haue Sir .

REG. Shew him the last Rowle , Of Emissary West-minster 's , The Heire . P. IV. Come nearer , Thom: CLA. There is a braue yong Heire Peny reioyceth , that he 〈◊〉 . Is come of age this morning , Mr. Peny-boy . P. IV.

That 's I !

CLA.

His Father dy'd on this day seuenth-night .

P. IV.

True !

CLA. At sixe o' the Clocke i' the morning , iust a weeke 〈◊〉 ●hom : of it . Ere he was One and Twenty . P. IV. I am here , Thom ! Proceed , I pray thee . CLA. An old Canting Begger Brought him first Newes , whom he has entertain'd , Call in the Canter . Hee giues the Clerke . To follow him , since . P. IV. Why , you shall see him ! Founder , Come in ; no Follower , but Companion , I pray thee put him in , Friend . There 's an Angell — Thou do'st not know , hee 's a wise old Fellow , Though he seeme patch'd thus , and made vp o' peeces , Founder , we are in , here , in , i' the Newes-Office ! In this dayes Rowle , already ! I doe muse How you came by vs Sir's ! CYM. One Master Pick-locke A Lawyer , that hath purchas'd here a place , This morning , of an Emissary vnder me . FIT.

Emissarie Westminster .

CYM. Gaue it into th' Office , FIT.

For his Essay , his peece .

P. IV. My man o' Law ! Hee 's my Attorney , and Sollicitour too ! A fine pragmaticke ! what 's his place worth ? CYM.

A Nemo-scit , Sir .

FIT. 'T is as Newes come , in , CYM. And as they are issued . I haue the iust mooytie For my part : then the other moeytie Is parted into seuen . The foure Emissaries ; Whereof my Cozen Fitton here 's for Court , Ambler for Pauls , and Buz for the Exchange , Picklocke , for Westminster , with the Examiner , And Register , they haue full parts : and then one part Is vnder-parted to a couple of Clarkes ; And there 's the iust diuision of the profits ! P. IV.

Ha' you those Clarks Sir .

CYM. There is one Desk empty , But it has many Suitors . P. IV. Sir , may I Present one more and carry it , if his parts Or Gifts , ( which you will , call 'hem ) CYM.

Be sufficient Sir .

P. IV. What are your present Clarkes habilities ? How is he qualified ? CYM ▪ A decay'd Stationer He was , but knowes Newes well , can sort and ranke 'hem . FIT.

And for a need can make 'hem .

CYM. True Paules bred , I' the Church-yard . P. IV. And this at the West-dore , O' th other side , hee 's my Barber Thom , A pretty Scholler , and a Master of Arts , Was made , or went out Master of Arts in a throng , At the Vniuersitie ; as before , one Christmas , He got into a Masque at Court , by his wit , And the good meanes of his Cythern , holding vp thus For one o' the Musique , Hee 's a nimble Fellow ! And alike skil'd in euery liberall Science , As hauing certaine snaps of all , a neat , Quick-vaine , in forging Newes too . I doe loue him , And promis'd him a good turne , and I would doe it . What 's your price ? the value ? CYM.

Fifty pounds , Sr.

P. IV. Get in Thom , take possession , I install thee ; Here , tell your money ; giue thee ioy , good Thom ; Hee buyes Thom a Clerkes place . And let me heare from thee euery minute of Newes , While the New Staple stands , or the Office lasts , Which I doe wish , may ne're be lesse for thy sake . CLA. The Emissaries , Sir , would speake with you , And Master Fitton , they haue brought in Newes , Three Bale together . CYM.

Sr , you are welcome , here .

FIT.

So is your creature .

CYM. Businesse calls vs off , Sir , They take leaue of Peny-boy , and Canter . That may concerne the Office . P. IV. Keepe me faire , Sir , Still i' your Staple , I am here your friend , On the same flooer . FIT.

We shall be your seruants .

P. IV.

How dost thou like it , Founder ?

P. CA. All is well , But that your man o' law me thinks appeares not In his due time . O! Here comes Masters worship .

ACT. I. SCENE . VI. PICKLOCK . PENI-BOY . IV. P. CANTER . HOw do's the Heyre , bright Master Peniboy ? Is hee awake yet in his One and Twenty ? Why , this is better farre , then to weare Cypresse , Dull smutting gloues , or melancholy blacks , And haue a payre of twelue-peny broad ribbands Laid out like Labells . P. IV. I should ha' made shift To haue laught as heartily in my mourners hood , As in this Suite , if it had pleas'd my father To haue beene buried , with the Trumpeters : PIC.

The Heralds of Armes , you meane .

P. IV. I meane , All noyse , that is superfluous ! PIC. All that idle pompe , And vanity of a Tombe-stone , your wise father Did , by his will , preuent . Your worship had — P. IV. A louing and obedient father of him , I know it : a right , kinde-natur'd man , To dye so opportunely . PIC. And to settle All things so well , compounded for your ward ship The weeke afore , and left your state entyre Without any charge vpon 't . P. IV. I must needes say , I lost an Officer of him , a good Bayliffe , And I shall want him ; but all peace be with him , I will not wish him aliue , againe ; not I , For all my Fortune ; giue your worship ioy O' your new place , your Emissary-ship , I' the Newes Office . PIC.

Know you , why I bought it Sr ?

P. IV.

Not I .

PIC. To worke for you , and carry a myne Against the Master of it , Master Cymball ; Who hath a plot vpon a Gentlewoman , Was once design'd for you , Sir . P. IV.

Me ?

PIC. Your father , Old Master Peni-boy , of happy memory , And wisdome too , as any i' the County , Carefull to finde out a fit match for you , In his owne life time ( but hee was preuented ) Left it in writing in a Schedule here , To be annexed to his Will ; that you , His onely Sonne , vpon his charge , and blessing , Should take due notice of a Gentlewoman , Soiourning with your vncle , Richer Peni-boy . P. IV. A Cornish Gentlewoman , I doe know her , Mistresse , Pecunia doe-all . PIC. A great Lady , Indeede shee is , and not of mortall race , Infanta of the Mines ; her Graces Grandfather , Was Duke , and Cousin to the King of Ophyr , The Subterranean , let that passe . Her name is , Or rather , her three names are ( for such shee is ) Aurelia Clara Pecunia , A great Princesse , Of mighty power , though shee liue in priuate With a contracted family ! Her Secretary — P. CA.

Who is her Gentleman-vsher too .

PIC. One Broker , And then two Gentlewomen ; Mistresse Statute , And Mistresse Band , with Waxe the Chambermaide , And Mother Mortgage , the old Nurse , two Groomes , Pawne , and his fellow ; you haue not many to bribe , Sir . The worke is feizible , and th' approches easie , By your owne kindred . Now , Sir , Cymball thinkes , The Master here , and gouernor o' the Staple , By his fine arts , and pompe of his great place To draw her ! He concludes , shee is a woman ! And that so soone as sh' heares of the New Office , Shee 'll come to visit it , as they all haue longings After new sights , and motions ! But your bounty , Person , and brauery must atchieue her . P. CA. Shee is The talke o' the time ▪ th' aduenture o' the age ! PIC. You cannot put your selfe vpon an action Of more importance . P. CA.

All the world are suiters to her .

PIC.

All sorts of men , and all professions !

P. CA. You shall haue stall-fed Doctors , cram'd Diuines Make loue to her , and with those studied And perfum'd flatteries , as no rome can stinke More elegant , then where they are . PIC. Well chanted Old Canter thou singst true . P. CA. And ( by your leaue ) Good Masters worship , some of your veluet coate Make corpulent curt'sies to her , till they cracke for 't . PIC. There 's Doctor Almanack wooes her , one of the Ieerers , A fine Physitian . P. CA. Your Sea-captaine , Shun field , Giues out hee 'll goe vpon the Cannon for her . PIC. Though his lowd mouthing get him little credit , P. CA. Young Master Pyed mantle , the fine Herrald Professes to deliuer her through all ages , From all the Kings , and Queenes , that euer were . PIC. And Master Madrigall , the crowned Poet Of these our times , doth offer at her praises As faire as any , when it shall please Apollo , That wit and rime may meete both in one subiect . P. CA. And you to beare her from all these , it will be — PIC.

A work of fame .

P. CA.

Of honor .

PIC.

Celebration .

P. CA.

Worthy your name .

PIC. The Peni-boyes to liue in 't , P. CA. It is an action you were built for , Sir , PIC.

And none but you can doe it .

P. IV. I 'll vndertake it , P. CA.

And carry it .

P. IV. Feare me not , for since I came Of mature age , I haue had a certaine itch In my right eye , this corner , here , doe you see ? To doe some worke , and worthy of a Chronicle .

The first Intermeane after the first Act . MIRTH.

How now Gossip ! how doe's the Play please you ?

CENSVRE .

Very scuruily , me thinks , and sufficiently naught .

EXPECTATION .

As a body would wish : here 's nothing but a young Prodigall , come of age , who makes much of the Barber , buyes him a place in a new Office , i' the ayre , I know not where , and his man o' Law to follow him , with the Begger to boote , and they two helpe him to a wife .

MIRTH.

I , shee is a proper piece ! that such creatures can broke for .

TATLE.

I cannot abide that nasty fellow , the Begger , if hee had beene a Court-Begger in good clothes ; a Begger in veluet , as they say , I could haue endur'd him .

MIRTH.

Or a begging scholler in blacke , or one of these beggerly Poets , gossip , that would hang vpon a young heyre like a horseleech .

EXPEC.

Or a thred-bare Doctor of Physicke , a poore Quackesaluer .

CENSVRE .

Or a Sea-captaine , halfe steru'd .

MIRTH.

I , these were tolerable Beggers , Beggers of fashion ! you shall see some such anon !

TATLE.

I would faine see the Foole , gossip , the Foole is the finest man t 'the company , they say , and has all the wit : Hee is the very Iustice o' Peace o' the Play , and can commit whom hee will , and what hee will , errour , absurdity , as the toy takes him , and no man say , blacke is his eye , but laugh at him .

MIRTH.

But they ha' no Foole i' this Play , I am afraid , gossip .

TATLE.

It 's a wise Play , then .

EXPECTATION .

They are all fooles , the rather , in that .

CENSVRE .

Like enough .

TATLE.

My husband , ( Timothy Tatle , God rest his poore soule ) was wont to say , there was no Play without a Foole , and a Diuell in 't ; he was for the Diuell still God blesse him . The Diuell for his money , would hee say , I would faine see the Diuell . And why would you so faine see the Diuell ? would I say . Because hee has hornes , wife , and may be a cuckold , as well as a Diuell , hee would answer : You are e'en such another , husband , quoth I . Was the Diuell euer married ? where doe you read , the Diuell was euer so honorable to commit Matrimony ; The Play will tell vs , that , sayes hee , wee 'll goe see 't to morrow , the Diuell is an Asse . Hee is an errant learn'd man , that made it , and can write , they say , and I am fouly deceiu'd , but hee can read too .

MIRTH.

I remember it gossip , I went with you , by the same token , Mrs. Trouble Truth diswaded vs , and told vs , hee was a prophane Poet , and all his Playes had Diuels in them . That he kept schole vpo' the Stage , could coniure there , aboue the Schole of Westminster , and Doctor Lamb too : not a Play he made , but had a Diuell in it . And that he would learne vs all to make our husbands Cuckolds at Playes : by another token , that a young married wife i' the company , said , shee could finde in her heart to steale thither , and see a little o' the vanity through her masque , and come practice at home .

TATLE.

O , it was , Mistresse —

MIRTH.

Nay , Gossip , I name no body . It may be 't was my selfe .

EXPECTATION .

But was the Diuell a proper man , Gossip ?

MIRTH.

As fine a gentleman ▪ of his inches , as euer I saw trusted to the Stage ▪ or any where else : and lou'd the common wealth , as well as ere a Patriot of 'hem all : hee would carry away the Vice on his backe , quicke to Hell , in euery Play where he came , and reforme abuses .

EXPECTATION .

There was the Diuell of Edmonton , no such man , I warrant you .

CENSVRE .

The Coniurer coosen'd him with a candles end , hee was an Asse .

MIRTH.

But there was one Smug , a Smith , would haue made a horse laugh , and broke his halter , as they say .

TATLE.

O , but the poore man had got a shrewd mischance , one day .

EXPECTATION .

How , Gossip ?

TATLE.

He had drest a Rogue Iade i' the morning , that had the Staggers , and had got such a spice of 'hem himselfe , by noone , as they would not away all the Play time , doe what hee could , for his heart .

MIRTH.

'T was his part , Gossip , he was to be drunke , by his part .

TATLE.

Say you so , I vnderstood not so much .

EXPECTA.

Would wee had such an other part , and such a man in this play , I feare 't will be an excellent dull thing .

CENSVRE .

Expect , intend it .

ACT. II. SCENE . I. PENI-BOY . Sen. PECVNIA . MORTGAGE . STATVTE . BAND . BROKER . YOur Grace is sad me thinks , and melancholy ! You doe not looke vpon me with that face , As you were wont , my Godnesse , bright Pecunia : Although your Grace be falne , of two i' the hundred , In vulgar estimation ; yet am I , You Graces seruant still : and teach this body , To bend , and these my aged knees to buckle , In adoration , and iust worship of you . Indeed , I doe confesse , I haue no shape To make a minion of , but I 'm your Martyr , Your Graces Martyr . I can heare the Rogues , As I doe walke the streetes , whisper , and point , There goes old Peni-boy , the slaue of money , Rich Peni-boy , Lady Pecunia's drudge , A sordid Rascall , one that neuer made Good meale in his sleep , but sells the acates are sent him , Fish , Fowle , and venison , and preserues himselfe , Like an old hoary Rat , with mouldy pye-crust . This I doe heare , reioycing , I can suffer This , and much more , for your good Graces sake . PEC. Why do you so my Guardian ? I not bid you , Cannot my Grace be gotten , and held too , Without your self-tormentings , and your watches , Your macerating of your body thus With cares , and scantings of your dyet , and rest ? P. SE. O , no , your seruices , my Princely Lady , Cannot with too much zeale of rites be done , They are so sacred . PEC. But my Reputation . May suffer , and the worship of my family , When by no seruile meanes they both are sought . P. SE. You are a noble , young , free , gracious Lady , And would be euery bodies , in your bounty , But you must not be so . They are a few That know your merit , Lady , and can valew 't . Your selfe scarce vnderstands your proper powers . They are all-mighty , and that wee your seruants , That haue the honour here to stand so neere you , Know ; and can vse too . All this Nether-world Is yours , you command it , and doe sway it , The honour of it , and the honesty , The reputation , I , and the religion , ( I was about to say , and had not err'd ) Is Queene Pecunia's . For that stile is yours , If mortals knew your Grace , or their owne good . MOR.

Please your Grace to retire .

BAN. I feare your Grace Hath ta'ne too much of the sharpe ayre . PEC. O no! I could endure to take a great deale more ( And with my constitution , were it left ) Vnto my choice , what thinke you of it , Statute ? STA. A little now and then does well , and keepes Your Grace in your complexion . BAN.

And true temper .

MOR. But too much Madame ▪ may encrease cold rheumes , Nourish catarrhes , greene sicknesses , and agues , And put you in consumption P. SE. Best to take Aduice of your graue women , Noble Madame , They know the state o' your body , and ha' studied Your Graces health . BAN. And honour . Here 'll be visitants , Or Suitors by and by ; and 't is not fit They find you here . STA. 'T will make your Grace too cheape To giue them audience presently . MOR. Leaue your Secretary , To answer them . PEC.

Waite you here . Broker .

BRO. I shal Madame . And doe your Graces trusts with diligence .

ACT. II. SCENE . II. PYED-MANTLE . BROKER . PENI-BOY . SEN. WHat luck 's this ? I am come an inch too late , Doe you heare Sir ? Is your worship o' the family Vnto the Lady Pecunia ? BRO. I serue her Grace , Sir , Aurelia Clara Pecunia , the Infanta . PYE. Has she all those Titles , and her Grace besides , I must correct that ignorance and ouer-sight , Before I doe present . Sir , I haue drawne A Pedigree for her Grace , though yet a Nouice In that so noble study . BRO.

A Herald at Armes ?

PYE.

No Sir , a Pursiuant , my name is Pyed-mantle .

BRO.

Good Master Pyed-mantle .

PYE. I haue deduc'd her . — BRO. From all the Spanish Mines in the West-Indi'es , I hope : for she comes that way by her mother , But , by her Grand-mother , she 's Dutches of Mines . PYE.

From mans creation I haue brought her .

BRO. No further ? Before Sr , long before , you haue done nothing else , Your Mines were before Adam , search your Office , Rowle fiue and twenty , you will finde it so , I see you are but a Nouice , Master Pyed-mantle . If you had not told mee so . PYE. Sir , an apprentise In armoiry . I haue read the Elements , And Accidence , and all the leading bookes , And I haue , now , vpon me a great ambition , How to be brought to her Grace , to kisse her hands . BRO. Why , if you haue acquaintance with Mistresse Statute , Or Mistresse Band , my Ladies Gentlewomen , They can induce you . One is a Iudges Daughter , But somewhat stately ; th' other Mistresse Band , Her father 's but a Scriuener , but shee can Almost as much with my Lady , as the other , Especially , if Rose Waxe the Chambermaid Be willing . Doe you not know her , Sir , neither ? PYE.

No in troth Sir .

BRO. She 's a good plyant wench , And easie to be wrought , Sir , but the Nurse Old mother Mortgage , if you haue a Tenement , Or such a morsell ? though shee haue no teeth , Shee loues a sweet meat , any thing that melts In her warme gummes , she could command it for you On such a trifle , a toy . Sir , you may see , How for your loue , and this so pure complexion , ( A perfect Sanguine ) I ha' ventur'd thus , The straining of a ward , opening a doore Into the secrets of our family : PYE. I pray you let mee know , Sir , vnto whom I am so much beholden ; but your name . BRO. My name is Broker , I am Secretary , And Vsher , to her Grace . PYE.

Good Master Broker !

BRO.

Good Mr. Pyed-mantle .

PYE. Why ? you could do me , If you would , now , this fauour of your selfe . BRO. Truely , I thinke I could : but if I would , I hardly should , without , or Mistresse Band , Or Mistresse Statute , please to appeare in it . Or the good Nurse I told you of , Mistresse Mortgage ▪ We know our places here , wee mingle not One in anothers sphere , but all moue orderly , In our owne orbes ; yet wee are all Concentricks . PYE.

Well , Sir , I 'll waite a better season .

BRO. Doe , And study the right meanes , get Mistresse Band Broker makes a mouth at him . He ieeres him againe . Old Peny-boy leaps To vrge on your behalfe , or little Waxe . PYE. I haue a hope , Sir , that I may , by chance , Light on her Grace , as she 's taking the ayre : BRO. That ayre of hope , has blasted many an ayrie Of Castrills like your selfe : Good Master Pyed-mantle , P. SE. Well said , Master Secretary , I stood behinde And heard thee all . I honor thy dispatches . If they be rude , vntrained it our method And haue not studied the rule , dismisse 'hem quickly , Where 's Lickfinger my Cooke ? that vnctuous rascall ? Hee 'll neuer keepe his houre , that vessell of kitchinstuffe !

ACT. II. SCENE . IIJ. BROKER . PENY-BOY . SE. LICK-FINGER .

HEere hee is come , Sir .

P. SE. Pox vpon him kidney , Alwaies too late ! LIC. To wish 'hem you , I confesse , That ha 'them already . P. SE.

What ?

LIC.

The pox !

P. SE. The piles , The plague , and all diseases light on him , Knowes not to keepe his word . I 'ld keepe my word sure ! I hate that man that will not keepe his word , When did I breake my word ? LIC. Or I , till now ? And 't is but halfe an houre . P. SE. Halfe a yeere : To mee that stands vpon a minute of time . I am a iust man , I loue still to be iust . LIC. Why ? you thinke I can runne like light-foot Ralph , Or keep a wheele-barrow , with a sayle in towne here , To whirle me to you : I haue lost two stone Of suet i' the seruice posting hither , You might haue followed me like a watering pot , And seene the knots I made along the street ; My face dropt like the skimmer in a fritter panne , And my whole body , is yet ( to say the truth ) A rosted pound of butter , with grated bread in 't ! He sweepes his face . P. SE. Belieue you , he that list . You stay'd of purpose , To haue my venison stinke , and my fowle mortify'd , That you might ha' 'hem — LIC. A shilling or two cheaper , That 's your iealousie . P. SE. Perhaps it is . Will you goe in , and view , and value all ? Yonder is venison sent mee ! fowle ! and fish ! In such abundance ! I am sicke to see it ! I wonder what they meane ! I ha told 'hem of it ! To burthen a weake stomacke ! and prouoke A dying appetite ! thrust a sinne vpon me I ne'r was guilty of ! nothing but gluttony ! Grosse gluttony ! that will vndoe this Land ! LIC.

And bating two i' the hundred .

P. SE. I , that same 's A crying sinne , a fearefull damn'd deuice , Eats vp the poore , deuoures 'hem — LIC. Sir , take heed What you giue out . P. SE. Against your graue great Solons ? Numae Pompilij , they that made that Law ? To take away the poore's inheritance ? It was their portion : I will stand to 't . And they haue rob'd 'hem of it , plainly rob'd 'hem , I still am a iust man , I tell the truth . When moneies went at Ten i' the hundred , I , And such as I , the seruants of Pecunia , Could spare the poore two out of ten , and did it , How say you , Broker ? ( LIC. Ask your Eccho ) BRO.

You did it .

P. So I am for Iustice , when did I leaue Iustice ? We knew 't was theirs , they had right and Title to 't . Now — LIC.

You can spare 'hem nothing .

P. SE. Very little , LIC.

As good as nothing .

P. SE. They haue bound our hands With their wise solemne act , shortned our armes . LIC. Beware those worshipfull eares , Sir , be not shortned , And you play Crop i' the fleete , if you vse this licence . P. SE.

What licence , Knaue ? Informer ?

LIC. I am Lickfinger , Your Cooke . P. SE. A saucy Iacke you are , that 's once ; What said I , Broker ? BRO.

Nothing that I heard , Sir .

LIC.

I know his gift , hee can be deafe when he list .

P. SE. Ha' you prouided me my bushell of egges ? I did bespeake ? I doe not care how stale , Or stincking that they be ; let 'hem be rotten : For ammunition here to pelt the boyes , That breake my windowes ? LIC. Yes Sir , I ha' spar'd 'hem Out of the custard politique for you , the Maiors . P. SE. 'T is well , goe in , take hence all that excesse , Make what you can of it , your best : and when I haue friends , that I inuite at home , prouide mee Such , such , and such a dish , as I bespeake ; One at a time , no superfluitie . Or if you haue it not , returne mee money ; You know my waies . LIC.

They are a little crooked .

P. SE.

How knaue ?

LIC.

Because you do indent .

P. SE. 'T is true , Sir , I do indent you shall returne me money . LIC.

Rather then meat , I know it : you are iust still .

P. SE. I loue it still . And therefore if you spend The red-Deere pyes i' your house , or sell 'hem forth , Sir , Cast so , that I may haue their coffins all , Return'd here , and pil'd vp : I would be thought To keepe some kind of house . LIC.

By the mouldie signes ?

P. SE. And then remember meat for my two dogs : Fat flaps of mutton ; kidneyes ; rumps of veale ; Good plentious scraps ; my maid shall eat the reliques . LIC.

When you & your dogs haue din'd . A sweet reuersion .

P. SE. Who 's here ? my Courtier ? and my little Doctor ? My Muster-Master ? and what Plouer 's that They haue brought to pull ? BRO. I know not , some green Plouer . I 'le find him out . P. SE. Doe , for I know the rest , They are the Ieerers , mocking , flouting Iackes .

ACT. II. SCENE . IV. FITTON . PENI-BOY . SE. ALMANACH . SHVNFIELD . MADRIGAL . LICK-FINGER . BROKER .

HOw now old Money-Bawd ? w' are come —

P. IV. To ieere me , As you were wont , I know you . ALM. No , to giue thee Some good security , and see Pecunia . P. SE.

What is 't ?

FIT.

Our selues .

ALM.

Wee 'l be one bound for another .

FIT.

This noble Doctor here .

ALM.

This worthy Courtier .

FIT.

This Man o' war , he was our Muster-Master .

ALM.

But a Sea-Captaine now , braue Captaine Shun-field . He holds vp his nose .

SHVN.

You snuffe the ayre now , as the scent displeas'd you ?

FIT. Thou needst not feare him man , his credit is sound , ALM.

And season'd too , since he tooke salt at Sea .

P. SE. I doe not loue pickl'd security , Would I had one good Fresh-man in for all ; For truth is , you three stinke . SHV. You are a Rogue , P. SE. I thinke I am , but I will lend no money On that security , Captaine . ALM. Here 's a Gentleman , A Fresh-man i' the world , one Master Madrigall . FIT.

Of an vntainted credit ; what say you to him ?

SHV.

Hee 's gone me thinkes , where is he ? Madrigall ? Madrigall steps aside with Broker .

P. SE.

H' has an odde singing name , is he an Heyre ?

FIT. An Heyre to a faire fortune , ALM. And full hopes : A dainty Scholler , and a pretty Poët ! P. SE. Y 'aue said enough . I ha' no money , Gentlemen , And he goe to 't in ryme once , not a penny SHV.

Why , hee 's of yeares , though he haue little beard . He snuffes againe .

P. SE. His beard has time to grow . I haue no money : Let him still dable in Poetry . No Pecunia Is to be seene . ALM. Come , thou lou'st to be costiue Still i' thy curt'sie ; but I haue a pill , A golden pill to purge away this melancholly . SHV. T is nothing but his keeping o' the house here , With his two drowsie doggs . FIT. A drench of sacke At a good tauerne , and a fine fresh pullet , Would cure him . LIC. Nothing but a yong Haire in white-broth , I know his diet better then the Doctor . SHV. What Lick-finger ? mine old host of Ram-Alley ? You ha' some mercat here . ALM. Some dosser of Fish Or Fowle to fetch of . FIT. An odde bargaine of Venison , To driue . P. SE.

Will you goe in , knaue ?

LIC. I must needs , You see who driues me , gentlemen . ALM.

Not the diuell .

FIT,

Hee may be in time , hee is his Agent , now .

P. SE. You are all cogging Iacks , a Couy o' wits , The Ieerers , that still call together at meales : Or rather an Airy , for you are birds of prey : Peny-boy thrusts him in . And flie at all , nothing's too bigge or high for you . And are so truely fear'd , but not belou'd One of another : as no one dares breake Company from the rest , lest they should fall , Vpon him absent . ALM. O! the onely Oracle That euer peept , or spake out of a dublet . SHV.

How the rogue stinks , worse then a Fishmonger sleeues !

FIT.

Or Curriers hands !

SHV.

And such a perboil'd visage !

FIT.

His face lookes like a Diers apron , iust !

ALM.

A sodden head , and his whole braine a possit curd !

P. SE.

I , now you ieere , ieere on ; I haue no money .

ALM.

I wonder what religion hee 's of !

FIT. No certaine species sure , A kinde of mule ! That 's halfe an Ethnicke , halfe a Christian ! P. Se.

I haue no monie , gentlemen .

SHV. This stocke . He has no sense of any vertue , honour , Gentrie or merit . P. Se. You say very right , My meritorious Captaine , ( as I take it ! ) Merit will keepe no house , nor pay no house rent . Will Mistresse Merit goe to mercat , thinke you ? Set on the pot , or feed the family ? Will Gentry cleare with the Butcher ? or the Baker ? Fetch in a Phessant , or a brace of Partridges , From good-wife Poulter , for my Ladies supper . FIT.

See! this pure rogue !

P. Se. This rogue has money tho' , My worshipfull braue Courtier has no money . No , nor my valiant Captaine . SHV.

Hang you rascall .

P. Se. Nor you , my learned Doctor . I lou'd you Whil you did hold your practice , and kill tripe wiues . And kept you to your vrinall ; but since your thombes Haue greas'd the Ephemerides , casting figures , And turning ouer for your Candle-rents , And your twelue houses in the Zodiacke : With your Almutens , Alma cantaras , Troth you shall cant alone for Peny-boy . SHV.

I told you what we should find him , a meere Bawd .

FIT.

A rogue , a cheater .

P. Se. What you please , gentlemen , I am of that humble nature and condition , Neuer to minde your worships , or take notice Of what you throw away , thus . I keepe house here Like a lame Cobler , neuer out of doores , With my two dogs , my friends ; and ( as you say ) Driue a quicke pretty trade , still . I get money : And as for Titles , be they Rogue , or Rascall , Or what your worships fancy , let 'hem passe As transitory things ; they 're mine to day , And yours to morrow . ALM.

Hang thee dog .

SHV.

Thou curre .

P. Se. You see how I doe blush , and am asham'd Of these large attributes ? yet you haue no money . ALM. Well wolfe , Hyaena , you old pockie rascall , You will ha' the Hernia fall downe againe Into your Scrotum , and I shall be sent for . I will remember then , that ; and your Fistula In ano , I cur'd you of . P. Se. Thanke your dog-leech craft . They were ' 'holesome piles , afore you meddl'd with 'hem . ALM.

What an vngratefull wretch is this ?

SHV. Hee minds A curtesie no more , then London-bridge , What Arch was mended last . FIT. Hee neuer thinkes . More then a logge , of any grace at Court , A man may doe him : or that such a Lord Reach't him his hand . P. Se. O yes ! if grace would strike The brewers Tally , or my good Lords hand , Would quit the scores . But Sir , they will not doe it , Here 's a piece , my good Lord piece , doth all . Goes to the Butchers ▪ fetches in a muton , He shewes a piece . Then to the Bakers , brings in bread , makes fires , Gets wine , and does more reall Curtesies , Then all my Lords , I know : My sweet Lord peece ! You are my Lord , the rest are cogging Iacks , Vnder the Rose . SHV. Rogue , I could beat you now , P. Se. True Captaine , if you durst beat any other . I should belieue you , but indeed you are hungry ; You are not angry Captaine , if I know you Aright ; good Captaine . No , Pecunia , Is to be seene , though Mistresse Band would speake , Or little Blushet-Waxe , be ne'r so easie , I 'll stop mine eares with her , against the Syrens , Court , and Philosophy . God be wi' you , Gentlemen , Prouide you better names . Pecunia is for you . FIT. What a damn'd Harpy it is ? where 's Madrigall ? Is he sneek'd hence . SHV. Here he comes with Broker , Madrigall returnes . Pecunia's Secretary . ALM. He may doe some good With him perhaps . Where ha' you beene Madrigall ? MAD.

Aboue with my Ladies women , reading verses .

FIT.

That was a fauour . Good morrow , Master Secretary .

SHV.

Good morrow , Master Vsher .

ALM. Sir , by both Your worshipfull Titles , and your name Mas Broker . Good morrow . MAD. I did aske him if hee were Amphibion Broker . SHV.

Why ?

ALM. A creature of two natures , Because hee has two Offices . BRO. You may ieere , You ha' the wits , young Gentlemen . But your hope Of Helicon , will neuer carry it , heere , With our fat family ; we ha' the dullest , Most unboar'd Eares for verse amongst our females . I grieu'd you read so long , Sir , old Nurse Mortgage , Shee snoar'd i' the Chaire , and Statute ( if you mark'd her ) Fell fast a sleepe , and Mistresse Band , shee nodded , But not with any consent to what you read . They must haue somwhat else to chinke , then rymes . If you could make an Epitaph on your Land , ( Imagine it on departure ) such a Poem Would wake 'hem ▪ and bring Waxe to her true temper . MAD.

I faith Sir , and I will try .

BRO. 'T is but earth , Fit to make brickes and tyles of . SHV. Pocks vpon 't 'T is but for pots , or pipkins at the best . If it would keepe vs in good tabacco pipes , BRO.

'T were worth keeping .

FIT. Or in porcelane dishes There were some hope . ALM. But this is a hungry soile , And must be helpt . FIT. Who would hold any Land To haue the trouble to marle it . SHV.

Not a gentleman .

BRO. Let clownes and hyndes affect it , that loue ploughes , And carts , and harrowes , and are busie still , In vexing the dull element . ALM. Our sweete Songster Shall rarifie 't into ayre . FIT. And you Mas Broker Shall haue a feeling . BRO. So it supple , Sir , The nerues . MAD. O! it shall be palpable , Make thee runne thorow a hoope , or a thombe-ring , The nose of a tabacco pipe , and draw Thy ductile bones out , like a knitting needle , To serue my subtill turnes . BRO. I shall obey , Sir , And run a thred , like an houre-glasse . P. So Where is Broker ? Are not these flies gone yet ? pray' quit my house , I 'le smoake you out else . FIT. O! the Prodigall ! Will you be at so much charge with vs , and losse ? MAD. I haue heard you ha' offered Sir , to lock vp smoake , And cauke your windores , spar up all your doores , Thinking to keepe it a close prisoner wi' you , And wept , when it went out , Sir , at your chimney . FIT.

And yet his eyes were dryer then a pummise .

SHV. A wretched rascall , that will binde about The nose of his bellowes , lest the wind get out When hee 's abroad . ALM. Sweepes downe no cobwebs here , But sells 'hem for cut-fingers . And the spiders , As creatures rear'd of dust , and cost him nothing , To fat old Ladies monkeyes . FIT. Hee has offer'd To gather vp spilt water , and preserue Each haire falls from him to stop balls with all . SHV.

A slaue , and an Idolater to Pecunia !

P. SE. You all haue happy memories , Gentlemen , In rocking my poore cradle . I remember too , When you had lands , and credit , worship , friends , I , and could giue security : now , you haue none , Or will haue none right shortly . This can time , And the vicissitude of things . I haue All these . and money too , and doe possesse 'hem , And am right heartily glad of all our memories , And both the changes . FIT.

Let vs leaue the viper .

P. SE. Hee 's glad he is rid of his torture , and so soone . Broker , come hither , vp , and tell your Lady , Shee must be readie presently , and Statute , Band , Mortgage , Wax . My prodigall young kinsman Will streight be here to see her 'top of our house , The flourishing , and flanting Peny-boy . Wee were but three of vs in all the world , My brother Francis , whom they call'd Franck Peny-boy , Father to this : hee 's dead . This Peny-boy , Is now the heire ! I , Richer Peny-boy , Not Richard , but old Harry Peny-boy , And ( to make rime ) close , wary Peny-boy I shall haue all at last , my hopes doe tell me . Goe , see all ready ; and where my dogs haue falted , Remoue it with a broome , and sweeten all With a slice of iuniper , not too much , but sparing , We may be faultie our selues else , and turne prodigall , In entertaining of the Prodigall . Here hee is ! and with him — what ! a Clapper Dudgeon ! That 's a good signe ; to haue the begger follow him , So neere at his first entry into fortune .

ACT. II. SCENE . V. PENY-BOY . IV. PENI-BOY . SEN. PICLOCK . CANTER . ) BROKER . PECVNIA . STATVTE . BAND . WAX. MORTGAGE . hid in the study . HOw now old Vncle ? I am come to see thee . And the braue Lady , here , the daughter of Ophir , They say thou keepst . P. SE. Sweet Nephew , if she were The daughter o' the Sunne , shee 's at your seruice , And so am I , and the whole family , Worshipfull Nephew . P. IV. Sai'st thou so , deare Vncle ? Welcome my friends then : Here is , Domine Picklocke : My man o' Law , sollicits all my causes . Followes my businesse , makes , and compounds my quarrells , Betweene my tenants and mee , sowes all my strifes , And reapes them too , troubles the country for mee , And vexes any neighbour , that I please . P. SE.

But with commission ?

P. IV.

Vnder my hand & seale .

P. Se.

A worshipfull place !

PIC.

I thanke his worship for it .

P. SE.

But what is this old Gentleman ?

P. CA. A Rogue , A very Canter , I Sir , one that maunds Vpon the Pad , wee should be brothers though : For you are neere as wretched as my selfe , You dare not vse your money , and I haue none . P. SE. Not vse my money , cogging Iacke , who vses it At better rates ? lets it for more i' the hundred , Then I doe , Sirrah ? P. IV.

Be not angry vncle .

P. SE. What ? to disgrace me , with my Queene ? as if I did not know her valew . P. CA. Sir , I meant You durst not to enioy it . P. SE. Hold your peace , Young Peny-boy is angyry . You are a Iacke . P. SE. Vncle , he shall be a Iohn , And , you goe to that , as good a man as you are . An' I can make him so , a better man , Perhaps I will too . Come , let vs goe . P. SE. Nay , kinsman , My worshipfull kinsman ; and the top of our house ; Doe not your penitent vncle that affront , For a rash word , to leaue his ioyfull threshold , Before you see the Lady that you long for . The Venus of the time , and state , Pecunia ! I doe perceiue , your bounty loues the man , 〈…〉 concealed vertue , that he hides Vnder these rags . P. CA. I owe my happinesse to him , the waiting on his worship , since I brought him 〈…〉 , welcome to all young heires . P. IV. Thou didst indeed , for which I thanke thee yet , Your 〈◊〉 Princesse , Vncle , is long a comming . P. CA. She is not rigg'd , Sir , setting forth some Lady , will cost as much as furnishing a Fleete , 〈◊〉 she 's come at last ,

The study is open'd where she sit in state .

Shee kisseth him .

and like a Galley 〈◊〉 i' the prow . P. IV.

Is this Pecunia ?

P. So Vouchsafe my toward kinsman , gracious Madame , The sauour of your hand . PEC. Nay , of my lips , Sir , To him . P. IV. She kisses like a mortall creature , Almighty Madame , I haue long'd to see you . PEC. And I haue my desire , Sir , to behold That youth , and shape , which in my dreames and wakes ▪ I haue so oft contemplated , and felt Warme in my ueynes , and natiue as my blood . When I was told of your arriuall here , I felt my heart beat , as it would leape out , In speach ; and all my face it was a flame , But how it came to passe I doe not know . P. In O! beauty loues to be more proud then nature , That made you blush . I cannot satisfie My curious eyes , by which alone I 'am happy , In my beholding you . P. CA. They passe the complement Prettily well . PIC.

I , he does kisse her , I like him .

P. IV. My passion was cleare contrary , and doubtfull , He kisseth her . I shooke for feare , and yet I danc'd for ioy , I had such motions as the Sunne-beames make Against a wall , or playing on a water , Or trembling vapour of a boyling pot — P. SE. That 's not so good , it should ha' bin a Crucible , With molten mettall , she had vnderstood it . P. IV. I cannot talke , but I can loue you , Madame . Are these your Gentlewomen ? I loue them too . And which is mistresse Statute ? Mistresse Band ▪ They all kisse close , the last stucke to my lips . BRO.

It was my Ladies Chamber-maid , soft-Waxe .

P. IV. Soft lips she has , I am sure on 't . Mother Mortgage , I' lowe a kisse ▪ till she be yonger , Statute , He doubles the complement to them all . Sweet Mistresse Band , and honey , little Waxe , We must be better acquainted . STA.

We are but seruants , Sir .

BAND . But whom her Grace is so content to grace , We shall obserue . WAX.

Aand with all fit respect .

MOR.

In our poore places .

WAX.

Being her Graces shadowes .

P. IV.

A fine well-spoken family . What 's thy name ?

BRO.

Broker .

P. IV. Me thinks my vncle should not need thee , Who is a crafty Knaue , enough , beleeue it . Art thou her Graces Steward ? BRO.

No , her Vsher , Sir .

P. IV. What , o' the Hall ? thou hast a sweeping face , Thy beard is like a broome . BRO. No barren chin , Sir , I am no Eunuch , though a Gentleman-Vsher . P. IV. Thou shalt goe with vs . Vncle , I must haue My Princesse forth to day . P. SE. Whither you please , Sir , You shall command her . PEC. I will doe all grace To my new seruant . P. SE. Thanks vnto your bounty ; He is my Nephew , and my Chiefe , the Point , Old Peny-boy thankes her , but makes his condition . Tip , Top , and Tuft of all our family ! But , Sir , condition'd alwaies , you returne Statute , and Band home , with my sweet , soft Waxe , And my good Nurse , here , Mortgage . P. IV.

O! what else ?

P. SE.

By Broker .

P. IV.

Do not feare .

P. SE. She shall go wi' you , Whither you please , Sir , any where . P. CA. I see A Money-Bawd , is lightly a Flesh-Bawd , too . PIC. Are you aduis'd ? Now o' my faith , this Canter Would make a good graue Burgesse in some Barne . P. IV.

Come , thou shalt go with vs , vncle .

P. CA.

By no means , Sir .

P. IV.

We 'll haue both Sack , and Fidlers .

P. SE. I 'll not draw That charge vpon your worship . P. CA. He speakes modestly , And like an Vncle , P. SE. But Mas Broker , here , He shall attend you , Nephew ; her Graces Vsher , And what you fancy to bestow on him , Be not too lauish , vse a temperate bounty , I 'll take it to my selfe . P. IV. I will be princely , While I possesse my Princesse , my Pecunia . P. SE.

Where is 't you eat ?

P. IV. Hard by , at Picklocks lodging . Old Lickfinger 's the Cooke , here in Ram-Alley . P. SE.

He has good cheare ; perhaps I 'll come and see you .

P. CAN. O , fie ! an Alley , and a Cooks-shop , grosse , The Canter takes him aside , and perswades him , 'T will sauour , Sir , most rankly of 'hem both . Let your meat rather follow you , to a tauerne . PIC.

A tauern 's as vnfit too , for a Princesse .

P. CA. No , I haue knowne a Princesse , and a great one , Come forth of a tauerne . PIC.

Not goe in , Sir , though .

P. CA. She must goe in , if she came forth : the blessed Pokahontas ( as the Historian calls her And great Kings daughters of Virginia ) Hath bin in womb of a tauerne ; and besides , Your nasty Vncle will spoyle all your mirth , And be as noysome . PIC.

That 's true .

P. CA. No 'faith , Dine in Apollo with Pecunia , At braue Duke Wadloos , haue your friends about you , And make a day on 't . P. IV. Content 'ifaith : Our meat shall be brought thither . Simon the King , Will bid vs welcome . PIC.

Patron , I haue a suite .

P. IV.

What 's that ?

PIC. That you will carry the Infanta , To see the Staple , her Grace will be a grace , To all the members of it . P. IV. I will doe it : And haue her Armes set vp there , with her Titles , Aurelia Clara Pecunia , the Infanta . And in Apollo . Come ( sweete Princesse ) goe . P. SE.

Broker , be careful of your charge .

BRO.

I warrant you .

The second Intermeane after the second Act . CENSVRE .

Why , this is duller and duller ! intolerable ! scuruy ! neither Diuel nor Foole in this Play ! pray God , some on vs be not a witch , Gossip , to forespeake the matter thus .

MIRTH.

I feare we are all such , and we were old enough : But we are not all old enough to make one witch . How like you the Vice i' the Play .

EXPECTATION .

Which is he ?

MIR.

Three or foure : old Couetousnesse , the sordid Peny-boy , the Money-bawd , who is a flesh-bawd too , they say .

TATLE.

But here is neuer a Fiend to carry him away . Besides , he has neuer a wooden dagger ! I 'ld not giue a rush for a Vice , that has not a wooden dagger to snap at euery body he meetes .

MIRTH.

That was the old way , Gossip , when Iniquity came in like Hokos Pokos , in a Iuglers ierkin , with false skirts ▪ like the Knaue of Clubs ! but now they are attir'd like men and women o' the time , the Vices , male and female ! Prodigality like a young heyre , and his Mistresse Money ( whose fauours he scatters like counters ) prank't vp like a prime Lady , the Infanta of the Mines .

CEN.

I , therein they abuse an honorable Princesse , it is thought .

MIRTH.

By whom is it so thought ? or where lies the abuse ?

CEN.

Plaine in the stiling her Infanta , and giuing her three names .

MIRTH.

Take heed , it lie not in the vice of your interpretation : what haue Aurelia , Clara , Pecunia to do with any person ? do they any more , but expresse the property of Money , which is the daughter of earth , and drawne out of the Mines ? Is there nothing to be call'd Infanta , but what is subiect to exception ? Why not the Infanta of the Beggers ? or Infanta o' the Gipsies ? as well as King of Beggers , and King of Gipsies ?

CEN.

Well , and there were no wiser then I , I would sow him in a sack , and send him by sea to his Princesse .

MIRT.

Faith , and hee heard you Censure , he would goe neere to sticke the Asses eares to your high dressing , and perhaps to all ours for harkening to you .

TATLE.

By 'r Lady but he should not to mine , I would harken , and harken , and censure , if I saw cause , for th' other Princesse sake Pokahontas , surnam'd the blessed , whom hee has abus'd indeed ( and I doe censure him , and will censure him ) to say she came foorth of a Tauerne , was said like a paltry Poet .

MIRTH.

That 's but one Gossips opinion , and my Gossip Tatle's too ! but what saies Expectation , here , she sits sullen and silent .

EXP.

Troth I expect their Office , their great Office ! the Staple , what it will be ! they haue talk't on 't , but wee see 't not open yet ; would Butter would come in , and spread it-selfe a little to vs .

MIRTH.

Or the butter-box , Buz , the Emissary .

TATLE.

When it is churn'd , and dish't , we shall heare of it .

EXP.

If it be fresh and sweet butter ; but say it be sower and wheyish .

MIR.

Then it is worth nothing , meere pot-butter , fit to be spent in suppositories , or greasing coach-wheeles , stale stinking butter , and such I feare it is , by the being barrell'd vp so long .

EXPECTATION .

Or ranke Irish butter .

CEN.

Haue patience Gossips , say that contrary to our expectations it proue right , seasonable , salt butter .

MIR.

Or to the time of yeer , in Lent , delicate Almond butter ! I haue a sweet tooth yet , and I will hope the best ; and sit downe as quiet , and calme as butter ; looke as smooth , and soft as butter ; be merry , and melt like butter ; laugh and be fat like butter : so butter answer my expectation , and be not mad butter ; If it be : It shall both Iuly and December see . I say no more , But — Dixi .

TO THE READERS .

IN this following Act , the Office is open'd , and shew'n to the Prodigall , and his Princesse Pecunia , wherein the allegory , and purpose of the Author hath hitherto beene wholly mistaken , and so sinister an interpretation beene made , as if the soules of most of the Spectators had liu'd in the eyes and eares of these ridiculous Gossips that tattle betweene the Acts . But hee prayes you thus to mend it . To consider the Newes here vented , to be none of his Newes , or any reasonable mans ; but Newes made like the times Newes , ( a weekly cheat to draw mony ) and could not be fitter reprehended , then in raising this ridiculous Office of the Staple , wherin the age may see her owne folly , or hunger and thirst after publish'd pamphlets of Newes , set out euery Saturday , but made all at home , & no syllable of truth in them : then which there cannot be a greater disease in nature , or a fouler scorne put vpon the times . And so apprehending it , you shall doe the Author , and your owne iudgement a courtesie , and perceiue the tricke of alluring money to the Office , and there cooz'ning the people . If you haue the truth , rest quiet , and consider that

Ficta , voluptatis causa , sint proxima veris.

ACT. III. SCENE . I. FITTON . CYMBAL , to them PICKLOCKE . REGISTER . CLERKE . Tho: BARBER . You hunt vpon a wrong scent still , and thinke The ayre of things will carry 'hem , but it must Be reason and proportion , not fine sounds , My cousin Cymball , must get you this Lady . You haue entertain'd a petty-fogger here , Picklocke , with trust of an Emissaries place , And he is , all , for the young Prodigall , You see he has left vs . CYM. Come , you doe not know him , That speake thus of him . He will haue a tricke , To open vs a gap ▪ by a trap-doore , When they least dreame on 't . Here he comes . What newes ? PICK. Where is my brother Buz ? my brother Ambler : The Register , Examiner , and the Clerkes ? Appeare , and let vs muster all in pompe , For here will be the rich Infanta , presently , To make her visit . Peny-boy the heyre , My Patron , has got leaue for her to play With all her traine , of the old churle , her Guardian . Now is your time to make all court vnto her ; That she may first but know , then loue the place , And shew it by her frequent visits here : And afterwards , get her to soiourne with you . She will be weary of the Prodigall , quickly . CYM.

Excellent newes !

FIT.

And counsell of an Oracle !

CYM.

How say you cousin Fitton ?

FIT. brother Picklock , I shall adore thee , for this parcell of tidings , It will cry vp the credit of our Office , Eternally , and make our Staple immortall ! PICK. Looke your addresses , then , be faire and fit , And entertaine her , and her creatures , too , With all the migniardise , and quaint Caresses , You can put on 'hem . FIT. Thou seem'st , by thy language , No lesse a Courtier , then a man o' Law . I must embrace thee . PIC. Tut , I am Vertumnus , On euery change , or chance , vpon occasion , A true Chamaelion , I can colour for 't . I moue vpon my axell , like a turne-pike . Fit my face to the parties , and become Streight , one of them . CYM. Sirs , vp , into your Desks , And spread the rolls vpon the Table , so . Is the Examiner set ? REG.

Yes , Sir .

CYM. Ambler , and Buz , Are both abroad , now . PIC. Wee 'll sustaine their parts . No matter , let them ply the affayres without , Fitton puts on the office cloake , and Cymbal the gowne . Let vs alone within , I like that well . On with the cloake , and you with the Staple gowne , And keep your state , stoupe only to the Infanta ; We 'll haue a flight at Mortgage , Statute , Band , And hard , but we 'll bring Wax vnto the retriue : Each know his seuerall prouince , and discharge it . FIT.

Fitton is brought about . I do admire this nimble ingine , Picklock .

CYM. Cuz , What did I say ? FIT.

You haue rectified my errour !

ACT. III. SCENE . II. PENI-BOY . IV. P. CANTER . PECVNIA . STATVTE . BAND . MORTGAGE . WAX. BROKER . CVSTOMERS . BY your leaue , Gentlemen , what newes ? good , good still ? I' your new Office ? Princesse , here 's the Staple ! This is the Gouernor , kisse him , noble Princesse , For my sake . Thom , how is it honest Thom ? How does thy place , and thou ? my Creature , Princesse ? Hee tells Pecunia of Thom. This is my Creature , giue him your hand to kisse , He was my Barber , now he writes Clericus ! I bought this place for him , and gaue it him . P. CA. He should haue spoke of that , Sir , and not you : Two doe not doe one Office well . P. IV. 'T is true , But I am loth to lose my curtesies . P. CA. So are all they , that doe them , to vaine ends , And yet you do lose , when you pay you selues . P. IV. No more o' your sentences , Canter , they are stale , We come for newes , remember where you are . I pray thee let my Princesse heare some newes , Good Master Cymbal . CYM. What newes would she heare ? Or of what kind , Sir ? P. IV. Any , any kind . So it be newes , the newest that thou hast , Some newes of State , for a Princesse . CYM.

Read from Rome , there .

THO.

They write , the King of Spaine is chosen Pope .

P. IV. How ? Newes from Rome . THO.

And Emperor too , the thirtieth of February .

P. IV.

Is the Emperor dead ?

CYM. No , but he has resign'd , Newes of the Emperor , and Tilly. And trailes a pike now , vnder Tilly . FIT.

For pennance .

P. IV.

These will beget strange turnes in Christendome !

THO. And Spinola is made Generall of the Iesuits . Newes of Spinola . The fifth Monarchy , vniting the Ecclesiasticke and Secular power . A plot of the house of Austria . More of Spinola . P. IV.

Stranger !

FIT,

Sir , all are alike true , and certaine .

CYM. All the pretence to the fifth Monarchy , Was held but vaine , vntill the ecclesiastique , And secular powers , were vnited , thus , Both in one person . FIT. 'T has bin long the ayme Of the house of Austria . CYM. See but Maximilian , His letters to the Baron of Bouttersheim , Or Scheiter-huyssen . FIT. No , of Liechtenstein , Lord Paul , I thinke . P. IV. I haue heard of some such thing . Don Spinola made Generall of the Iesuits ! A Priest ! CYM. O , no , he is dispenc'd with all , And the whole society , who doe now appeare The onely Enginers of Christendome . P. IV.

They haue bin thought so long , and rightly too .

FIT. Witnesse the Engine , that they haue presented him , To winde himselfe with , vp , into the Moone : And thence make all his discoueries ! CYM.

Read on .

THO. And Vittellesco , he that was last Generall , Being now turn'd Cooke to the society , Has drest his excellence , such a dish of egges — P. IV.

What potch'd ?

THO. No , powder'd . His Egges . CYM. All the yolke is wilde fire , As he shall need beleaguer no more townes , But throw his Egge in . FIT. It shall cleare consume , Palace , and place ; demolish and beare downe , All strengths before it ! CYM. Neuer be extinguish'd ! Till all become one ruine ! Fa And from Florence , THO. They write was found in Galileos study , A burning Glasse ( which they haue sent him too ) Galilaeo's study . To fire any Fleet that 's out at Sea — CYM.

By Mooneshine , is 't not so ?

THO.

Yes , Sir , i' the water .

P. IV. His strengths will be vnresistable , if this hold ! The burning glasse , by Moon-shine . Ha' you no Newes against him , on the contrary ? CLA. 〈…〉 Eele . Yes , Sit , they write here , one Cornelius - 〈◊〉 , Hath made the Hollanders an inuisible Eele , To swimme the hauen at Dunkerke , and sinke all The shipping there . P. IV.

Why ha' not you this , Thom ?

〈◊〉 .

Because he keeps the Pontificiall side .

P. IV. Peny-boy will haue him change sides ▪ How , change sides , Thom. 'T was neuer in my thought To put thee vp against our selues . Come downe , Quickly . CYM.

Why , Sir ?

P. IV. I venter'd not my mony Vpon those termes : If he may change ; why so . I 'll ha him keepe his owne side , sure . FIT, Why , let him , 'T is but writing so much ouer againe . P. IV. For that I 'll beare the charge : There 's two Pieces , FIT.

Come , do not stick with the gentleman .

CYM. I 'l take none Sir ▪ And yet he shall ha' the place . P. IV. They shall be 〈…〉 , though hee pay for it . Vp , Thom: and th' Office shall take 'hem . Keep your side , Thom. Know your owne side , doe not forsake your side , Thom. CYM.

Read .

THO. They write here one Cornelius - 〈◊〉 , Hath made the Hollanders an inuisible Eele , To swimme the Hauen at Dunkirke , and sinke all The shipping there . P. IV.

But how is 't done ?

CYM. I 'll shew you Sir It is an Automa , runnes vnder water , With a snug nose , and has a nimble taile Made like an anger , with which taile she wrigles Betwixt the coasts of a Ship , and sinkes it streight . P. IV.

Whence ha' you this newes .

FIT. From a right hand I assure you , The Ecle-boats here , that lye before Queen-Hyth , Came out of Holland . P. IV. A most braue deuice , To murder their flat bottomes . FIT. I doe grant you ▪ Spinola's new proiect : an army in cork-shooes . But what if Spinola haue a new Proiect : To bring an army ouer in corke-shooes , And land them , here , at Harwich ? all his horse Are shod with corke , and fourescore pieces of ordinance , Mounted vpon cork-carriages , with bladders , In stead of wheeles to runne the passage ouer At a spring-tide . P. IV.

Is 't true ?

FIT. As true as the rest ▪ P. IV. He 'll neuer leaue his engines : I would heare now Some curious newes . CYM.

As what ?

P. IV. Magick , or 〈◊〉 Or flying i' the ayre , I care not what . CLA. They write from Libtzig ( reuerence to your 〈◊〉 ) The Art of drawing farts out of dead bodies , Extraction of farts Is by the Brotherhood of the Rosie Crosse , Produc'd vnto perfection , in so sweet And rich a tincture — FIT. As there is no Princesse , But may perfume her chamber with th' extraction . P. IV.

There 's for you , Princesse .

P. CA.

What , a fart for her ?

P. IV.

I meane the spirit .

P. CA.

Beware how she resents it .

P. IV.

The perpetuall Motion . And what hast thou , Thom ?

THO. The perpetuall Motion ▪ Is here found out by an Alewife in Saint Katherines , At the signe o' the dancing Beares ▪ P. IV. What , from her tap ? I 'll goe see that , or else I 'll send old Canter . He can make that discouery . P. CA.

Yes , in Ale .

P. IV. Let me haue all this Newes , made vp , and seal'd ▪ REG. The people presse vpon vs , please you , Sir , The Register offers him a roome . Withdraw with your faire Princesse . There 's a roome Within , Sir , to retyre too . P. IV. No , good Register , We 'll stand it out here , and obserue your Office ; The Office call'd the house of fame . What Newes it issues . REG. 'T is the house of fame , Sir , Where both the curious , and the negligent ; The scrupulous , and carelesse ; wilde , and stay'd ; The idle , and laborious ; all doe meet , To tast the Cornu copiae of her rumors , Which she , the mother of sport ▪ pleaseth to scatter Among the vulgar : Baites , Sir , for the people ! And they will bite like fishes . P. IV.

Let 's see 't .

DOP. Ha' you in your prophane Shop , any Newes O' the Saints at Amsterdam ? REG. Yes , how much would you ? 1. Cust. Ashe baptist . DOP.

Six peny worth .

REG.

Lay your mony down , read , Thomas .

THO. The Saints do write , they expect a Prophet , shortly , The Prophet Baal , to be sent ouer to them , Prophet Baal expected in Helland . To calculate a time , and halfe a time , And the whole time , according to Naömetry . P. IV.

What 's that ?

THO. The measuring o' the Temple : a Cabal Found out but lately , and set out by Archie , Or some such head , of whose long coat they haue heard , And being black , desire it . DOP. Peace be with them ! Archie mourn'd then . REG ▪ So there had need , for they are still by the eares One with another . DOP.

It is their zeale .

REG.

Most likely .

DOP.

Haue you no other of that species ?

REG. Yes , But dearer , it will cost you a shilling . DOP. Verily , There is a nine-pence , I will shed no more . REG.

Not , to the good o' the Saints ?

DOP. I am not sure , That , man is good . REG. Read , from Constantinople , Nine penny'orth . THO. They giue out here , The great Turk turn'd Christian ▪ the grand Signior Is certainely turn'd Christian , and to cleare The controuersie 'twixt the Pope and him , Which is the Antichrist ; he meanes to visit The Church at Amsterdam , this very Sommer , And quit all marks o' the beast . DOP. Now ioyfull tydings . Who brought in this ? Which Emissary ? REG. Buz . Your countrey-man . DOP. Now , blessed be the man , And his whole Family , with the Nation . REG. Yes , for Amboyna , and the Iustice there ! This is a Doper , a she Anabaptist ! Seale and deliuer her her newes , dispatch . C. 2. Ha' you any newes from the Indies ? any miracle 2. Cust. Done in Iapan , by the Iesuites ? or in China ? CLA. A Coloney ●e Cookes sent ouer to conuert the Canniballs . No , but we heare of a Colony of cookes To be set a shore o' the coast of America , For the conuersion of the Caniballs , And making them good , eating Christians . Here comes the Colonell that vndertakes it . C. 2.

3. Cust. By Colonel Lickfinger . Who ? captaine Lickfinger ?

LIC. Newes , newes my boyes ! I am to furnish a great feast to day , And I would haue what newes the Office affords . CLA. We were venting some of you , of your new proiect , REG.

Afore 't was paid for , you were somewhat too hasty .

P. IV. What Lickfinger ! wilt thou conuert the Caniballs , With spit and pan Diuinity ? LIC. Sir , for that I will not vrge , but for the fire and zeale To the true cause ; thus I haue vndertaken : With two Lay-brethren , to my selfe , no more , One o' the broach , th' other o' the boyler , In one sixe months , and by plaine cookery , No magick to 't , but old japnets physicke , The father of the Europaean Arts , To make such sauces for the Sauages , And cookes their meats , with those inticing steemes , As it would make our Caniball-Christians , Forbeare the mutuall eating one another , Which they doe doe , more cunningly , then the wilde Anthropophagi ; that snatch onely strangers , Like my old Patrons dogs , there . P. IV. O , my Vncles ! Is dinner ready , Lickfinger ? LIC. When you please , Sir . I was bespeaking but a parcell of newes , To strew out the long meale withall , but 't seemes You are furnish'd here already . P. IV.

O , not halfe !

LIC. What Court-newes is there ? any Proclamations , Or Edicts to come forth . THO. Yes , there is one . That the Kings Barber has got , for aid of our trade : Whereof there is a manifest decay . To let long hayre runne to seed ▪ to sow bald pates . A Precept for the wearing of long haire , To runne to seed , to sow bald pates withall , And the preseruing fruitfull heads , and chins , To help a mistery , almost antiquated . Such as are bald and barren beyond hope , Are to be separated , and set by For Vshers , to old Countesses . LIC. And Coachmen . To mount their boxes , reuerently , and driue , Like Lapwings , with a shell vpo' their heads . Thorow the streets . Ha' you no Newes o the Stage ? They 'll aske me about new Playes , at dinner time . And I should be as dumbe as a fish . THO. O! yes . There is a Legacy left to the Kings Players , Spalato's Legacy to the Players . Both for their various shifting of their Scene , And dext'rous change o' their persons to all shapes , And all disguises : by the right reuerend Archbishop of Spalato . LIC. He is dead , That plai'd him ! THO.

Then , h' has lost his share o' the Legacy .

LIC.

What newes of Gundomar ?

THO. A second Fistula , Or an excoriation ( at the least ) For putting the poore English-play , was writ of him , Gundomar's vse of the game at Chesse , or Play so called . To such a sordid vse , as ( is said ) he did , Of cleansing his posterior's . LIC.

Iustice ! Iustice !

THO. Since when , he liues condemn'd to his share , at Bruxels . And there sits filing certaine politique hinges , To hang the States on , h' has heau'd off the hookes . LIC.

What must you haue for these ?

P. IV. Thou shalt pay nothing , But reckon 'hem in i' the bill . There 's twenty pieces , Her Grace bestowes vpon the Office , Thom , Hee giues 20. pieces , to the Office . Doubles it . Write thou that downe for Newes . REG. We may well do 't , We haue not many such . P. IV. There 's twenty more , If you say so ; my Princesse is a Princesse ! And put that too , vnder the Office Seale . CYM. If it will please your Grace to soiourne here , Cymbal takes Pecunia aside , courts and wooes her , to the Office . And take my roofe for couert , you shall know The rites belonging to your blood , and birth , Which few can apprehend : these sordid seruants , Which rather are your keepers , then attendants , Should not come neere your presence . I would haue You waited on by Ladies , and your traine Borne vp by persons of quality , and honour , Your meat should be seru'd in with curious dances , And set vpon the boord , with virgin hands , Tun'd to their voices ; not a dish remou'd , But to the Musicke , nor a drop of wine , Mixt , with his water , without Harmony , PEC. You are a Courtier , Sir , or somewhat more ; That haue this tempting language ! CYM. I 'm your seruant , Exellent Princesse , and would ha' you appeare That , which you are . Come forth State , and wonder , Of these our times , dazle the vulgar eyes . And strike the people blind with admiration . P. CAN. Why , that 's the end of wealth ! thrust riches outward , And remaine beggers within : contemplate nothing But the vile sordid things of time , place , money , And let the noble , and the precious goe , Vertue and honesty ; hang 'hem ; poore thinne membranes Of honour ; who respects them ? O , the Fates ! How hath all iust , true reputation fall'n , Fitton hath beene courting the waiting-women , this while , and is ieered by them . Since money , this base money 'gan to haue any ! BAN.

Pitty , the Gentleman is not immortall .

WAX.

As he giues out , the place is , by description .

FIT.

A very Paradise , if you saw all , Lady .

WAX. I am the Chamber-maid , Sir , you mistake , My Lady may see all . FIT. Sweet Mistresse Statute , gentle Mistresse Band , And Mother Mortgage , doe but get her Grace To soiourne here . — PIC. I thanke you gentle Waxe , MOR.

If it were a Chattell , I would try my credit .

PIC.

So it is , for terme of life , we count it so .

STA. She meanes , Inheritance to him , and his heyres ▪ Or that he could assure a State , of yeeres : I 'll be his Statute-Staple , Statute-Merchant , Or what he please . PIC.

He can expect no more .

BAN. His cousin Alderman Security , That he did talke of so , e'en now — STA. Who , is The very broch o' the bench , gem o' the City . BAN. He and his Deputy , but assure his life For one seuen yeeres . STA. And see what we 'll doe for him , Vpon his scarlet motion . BAN. And old Chaine , That drawes the city-eares . WAX. When he sayes nothing , But twirles it thus . STA.

A mouing Oratory !

BAN. Dumb Rethoricke , and silent eloquence ! As the fine Poet saies ! FIT. Come , they all scorne vs , Doe you not see 't ? the family of scorne ! BRO. Doe not belieue him ! gentle Master Picklocke , They vnderstood you not : the Gentlewomen , They thought you would ha' my Lady soiourne , with you , And you desire but now and then , a visit ? PIC. Yes , if she pleas'd , Sir , it would much aduance Vnto the Office , her continuall residence ! ( I speake but as a member ) BRO. 'T is inough . I apprehend you . And it shall goe hard , But I 'll so worke , as some body shall worke her ! PIC.

'pray you change with our Master , but a word about it .

P. IV. Well , Lickfinger , see that our meat be ready , Thou hast Newes inough . LIC. Something of Bethlem Gabor , And then I 'm gone . THO. We heare he has deuis'd Bethlem Gabors Drum . A Drumme , to fill all Christendome with the sound : But that he cannot drawe his forces neere it , To march yet , for the violence of the noise . And therefore he is faine by a designe , To carry 'hem in the ayre , and at some distance , Till he be married , then they shall appeare . LIC. Or neuer ; well , God b'wi'you ( stay , who 's here ? ) A little of the Duke of Bauier , and then — CLA. He has taken a gray habit , The Duke of Bauier . and is turn'd The Churches Millar , grinds the catholique grist With euery wind : and Tilly takes the toll . CVS. 4. Ha' you any newes o' the Pageants to send downe ? Into the seuerall Counties . 4. Cust. The Pageants . All the countrey Expected from the city most braue speeches ▪ Now , at the Coronation . LIC. It expected More then it vnderstood : for , they stand mute , Poore innocent dumb things ; they are but wood . As is the bench and blocks , they were wrought on , yet If May-day come , and the Sunne shine , perhaps , They 'll sing like Memnons Statue , and be vocall . CVS. 5.

Ha' you any Forest-newes ?

THO. None very wild , Sir , Some tame there is , out o' the Forrest of fooles , 5. Cust. The new Parke in the Forrest of Fooles . A new Parke is a making there , to seuer Cuckolds of Antler , from the Rascalls . Such , Whose wiues are dead , and haue since cast their heads , Shall remaine Cuckolds-pollard . LIC.

I 'll ha' that newes .

CVS.

1. And I . 2. And I . 3. And I . 4. And I . 5. And I .

CYM. Sir , I desire to be excus'd ; and , Madame : Peny-boy would inuite the Master of the Office I cannot leaue my Office , the first day . My Cousin Fitton here , shall wait vpon you . And Emissary Picklocke . P. IV.

And Thom: Clericus ?

CYM. I cannot spare him yet , but he shall follow you , When they haue ordered the Rolls . Shut vp th' Office , When you ha' done , till two a clocke .

ACT. III. SCENE . III. SHVNFIELD . ALMANACK . MADRIGAL . CLERKES . BY your leaue , Clerkes , Where shall we dine to day ? doe you know ? the Ieerers . ALM.

Where 's my fellow Fitton ?

THO.

New gone forth .

SHV. Cannot your Office tell vs , what braue fellowes Doe eat together to day , in towne , and where ? THO. Yes , there 's a Gentleman , the braue heire , yong Peny-boy , Dines in Apollo . MAD. Come , let 's thither then , I ha' supt in Apollo ! ALM.

With the Muses ?

MAD. No , But with two Gentlewomen , call'd , the Graces ▪ ALM.

They were euer three in Poetry .

MAD.

This was truth , Sir .

THO.

Sir , Master Fitton 's there too !

SHV.

All the better !

ALM.

We may haue a ieere , perhaps .

SHV. Yes , you 'll drink , Doctor . ( If there be any good meat ) as much good wine now , As would lay vp a Dutch Ambassador . THO. If he dine there , he 's sure to haue good meat , For , Lickfinger prouides the dinner . ALM. Who ? The glory o' the Kitchin ? that holds Cookery , A trade from Adam ? quotes his broths ▪ and sallads ? And sweares he 's not dead yet , but translated In some immortall crust , the past of Almonds ? MAD. The same . He holds no man can be a Poet , That is not a good Cooke , to know the palats , And seuerall tastes o' the time . He drawes all Arts Out of the Kitchin , but the Art of Poetry , which he concludes the same with Cookery . SHV. Tut , he maintaines more heresies then that . He 'll draw the Magisterium from a minc'd-pye , And preferre Iellies , to your Iulips , Doctor ▪ ALM. I was at an Olla Podrida of his making , Was a braue piece of cookery ! at a funerall ! But opening the pot-lid , he made vs laugh , who 'had wept all day ! and sent vs such a tickling Into our nostrills , as the funerall feast Had bin a wedding-dinner . SHV. Gi 'him allowance , And that but moderate , he will make a Syren Sing i' the Kettle , send in an Arion , In a braue broth , and of a watry greene , Iust the Sea-colour , mounted on the backe Of a growne Cunger , but , in such a posture , As all the world would take him for a Dolphin . MAD. Hee 's a rare fellow , without question ! but He holds some Paradoxes . ALM. I , and Pseudodoxes . Mary , for most , he 's Orthodox i' the Kitchin . MAD.

And knowes the Clergies tast !

ALM.

I , and the Layties !

SHV. You thinke not o' your time , we 'll come too late , If we go not presently . MAD.

Away then .

SHV. Sirs , You must get o'th is newes , to store your Office , Who dines and sups i' the towne ? where , and with whom ? 'T will be beneficiall : when you are stor'd ; And as we like our fare , we shall reward you . CLA.

A hungry trade , 't will be .

THO. Much like D. Humphries , But , now and then , as th' holesome prouerb saies , 'T will obsonare samem ambulando . CLA.

Shut vp the Office : gentle brother Thomas .

THO. Brother , Nathaniel , I ha' the wine for you . I hope to see vs , one day , Emissaries . CLA.

Why not ? S'lid , I despaire not to be Master !

ACT. III. SCENE . IV. PENI-BOY . SE. BROKER . CYMBAL . HOw now ? I thinke I was borne vnder Hercules starre ! Nothing but trouble and tumult to oppresse me ? He is started with Broker's comming back . Why come you backe ? where is your charge ? BRO. I ha' brought A Gentleman to speake with you ? P. SE. To speake with me ? You know 't is death for me to speake with any man . What is he ? set me a chaire . BRO. He 's the Master Of the great Office . P. SE.

What ?

BRO. The Staple of Newes , A mighty thing , they talke Six thousand a yeere . P. SE.

Well bring your sixe in . Where ha' you left Pecunia ?

BRO.

Sir , in Apollo , they are scarce set .

P. SE.

Bring sixe .

BRO.

Here is the Gentleman .

P. SE. He must pardon me , I cannot rise , a diseas'd man . CYM. By no meanes , Sir , Respect your health , and ease . P. SE. It is no pride in me ! But paine , paine ; what 's your errand , Sir , to me ? Hee sends Broker backe . Broker , returne to your charge , be Argus-eyed , Awake , to the affaire you haue in hand , Serue in Apollo , but take heed of Bacchus . Goe on , Sir . CYM.

I am come to speake with you .

P. SE. 'T is paine for me to speake , a very death , But I will heare you ! CYM. Sir , you haue a Lady , That soiournes with you . P. SE. Ha ? He pretends infirmity . I am somewhat short In my sense too — CYM.

Pecunia .

P. SE. O' that side , Very imperfect , on — CYM. Whom I would draw Oftner to a poore Office , I am Master of — P. SE.

My hearing is very dead , you must speake quicker .

CYM. Or , if it please you , Sir , to let her soiourne In part with me ; I haue a moyety We will diuide , halfe of the profits . P. SE. Ha ? I heare you better now , how come they in ? Is it a certaine businesse , or a casuall ? For I am loth to seeke out doubtfull courses , Runne any hazardous paths , I loue streight waies , A iust , and vpright man ! now all trade totters . The trade of money , is fall'n , two i' the hundred . That was a certaine trade , while th' age was thrifty , And men good husbands , look'd vnto their stockes , Had their mindes bounded ; now the publike Riot Prostitutes all , scatters away in coaches , In foot-mens coates , and waiting womens gownes , They must haue veluet hanches ( with a pox ) Now taken vp , and yet not pay the vse ; Hee talkes vehemently and aloud . Bate of the vse ? I am mad with this times manners . CYM.

You said e'en now , it was death for you to speake .

P. SE. I , but an anger , a iust anger , ( as this is ) Puts life in man . Who can endure to see The fury of mens gullets , and their groines ? Is mou'd more and more . What fires , what cookes , what kitchins might be spar'd ? What Stewes , Ponds , Parks , Coupes , Garners , Magazines ? What veluets , tissues , scarfes , embroyderies ? And laces they might lacke ? They couet things — Superfluous still ; when it were much more honour They could want necessary ! What need hath Nature Of siluer dishes ? or gold chamber-pots ? Of perfum'd napkins ? or a numerous family , To see her eate ? Poore , and wise she , requires Meate onely ; Hunger is not ambitious : Say , that you were the Emperour of pleasures , The great Dictator of fashions , for all Europe , And had the pompe of all the Courts , and Kingdomes , Laid forth vnto the shew ? to make your selfe Gaz'd , and admir'd at ? You must goe to bed , And take your naturall rest : then , all this vanisheth . Your brauery was but showen ; 't was not possest : While it did boast it selfe , it was then perishing . CYM.

This man has healthfull lungs .

P. SE. All that excesse Appear'd as little yours , as the Spectators . It scarce fills vp the expectation Of a few houres , that entertaines mens liues . CYM. He has the monopoly of sole-speaking . He is angry . Why , good Sir ? you talke all . P. SE. Why should I not ? Is it not vnder mine owne roofe ? my feeling ? CYM.

But I came here to talk with you .

P. S. Why , an' I will not Talke with you , Sir ? you are answer'd , who sent for you ? CYM. Bids him get out of his house . No body sent for me — P. SE. But you came , why then Goe , as you came , here 's no man holds you , There , There lies your way , you see the doore . CYM.

This 's strange !

P. Se. 'T is my ciuility , when I doe not rellish The party , or his businesse . Pray you be gone , Sir . I 'll ha' no venter in your Ship , the Office Your Barke of Six , if 't were sixteene , good , Sir , CYM.

You are a rogue .

P. SE.

I thinke I am Sir , truly .

CYM.

Cymbal railes at him . He ieeres him . A Rascall , and a money-bawd .

P. SE. My surnames : CYM.

A wretched Rascall !

P. S. You will ouerflow — And spill all . CYM. Caterpiller , moath , Horse-leach , and dung-worme — P. SE. Still you lose your labor . I am a broken vessell , all runnes out : A shrunke old Dryfat . Fare you well , good Sixe .

The third Intermeane after the third Act . CENSVRE .

A notable tough Rascall ! this old Peny-boy ! right City-bred !

MIRTH.

In Siluer-streete , the Region of money , a good seat for a Vsurer .

TATLE.

He has rich ingredients in him , I warrant you , if they were extracted , a true receit to make an Alderman , an' he were well wrought vpon , according to Art .

EXP.

I would faine see an Alderman in chimia ! that is a treatise of Aldermanity truely written .

CEN.

To shew how much it differs from Vrbanity .

MIRTH.

I , or humanity . Either would appeare in this Peny-boy , an' hee were rightly distill'd . But how like you the newes ? you are gone from that .

CEN.

O , they are monstrous ! scuruy ! and stale ! and too exotick ! ill cook'd ! and ill dish'd !

EXP.

They were as good , yet , as butter could make them !

TAT.

In a word , they were beastly buttered ! he shall neuer come o' my bread more , nor my in mouth , if I can helpe it . I haue had better newes from the bake-house , by ten thousand parts , in a morning : or the conduicts in Westminster ! all the newes of Tutle-street , and both the Alm'ries ! the two Sanctuaries ▪ long , and round Wool-staple ! with Kings-street , and Chanon-row to boot !

MIRTH.

I , my Gossip Tatle knew what fine slips grew in Gardiners-lane ; who kist the Butchers wife with the Cowes-breath ; what matches were made in the bowling-Alley , and what bettes wonne and lost ; how much griest went to the Mill and what besides : who coniur'd in Tutle-fields , and how many ? when they neuer came there . And which Boy rode vpon Doctor Lambe , in the likenesse of a roaring Lyon , that runne away with him in his teeth , and ha's not deuour'd him yet .

TAT.

Why , I had it from my maid Ioane Heare-say : and shee had it from a limbe o' the schoole , shee saies , a little limbe of nine yeere old ; who told her , the Master left out his coniuring booke one day , and hee found it , and so the Fable came about . But whether it were true , or no , we Gossips are bound to beleeue it , an 't be once out , and a foot : how should wee entertaine the time else , or finde our selues in fashionable discourse , for all companies , if we do not credit all , and make more of it , in the reporting ?

CEN.

For my part , I beleeue it : and there were no wiser then I , I would haue ne'er a cunning Schoole-Master in England . I meane a Cunning-Man , a Schoole-Master ; that is a Coniurour , or a Poet , or that had any acquaintance with a Poet . They make all their schollers Play-boyes ! Is 't not a fine sight , to see all our children made Enterluders ? Doe wee pay our money for this ? wee send them to learne their Grammar , and their Terence , and they learne their play-books ? well , they talke , we shall haue no more Parliaments ( God blesse vs ) but an 'wee haue , I hope , Zeale-of-the-land Buzy , and my Gossip , Rabby Trouble-truth will start vp , and see we shall haue painfull good Ministers to keepe Schoole , and Catechise our youth , and not teach 'hem to speake Playes , and Act Fables of false newes , in this manner , to the super-uexation of Towne and Countrey , with a wanion .

ACT. IIII. SCENE . I. PENY-BOY . IV. FITTON . SHVNFIELD . ALMANACK . MADRIGAL . CANTER . PICKLOCKE . COme , Gentlemen , let 's breath from healths a while . This Lickfinger has made vs a good dinner , For our Pecunia : what shal 's doe with our selues , While the women water ? and the Fidlers eat ? FIT.

Let 's ieere a little .

P. IV.

Ieere ? what 's that ?

SHV.

Expect , Sr.

ALM. We first begin with our selues , & then at you , SHV.

A game we vse .

MAD. We ieere all kind of persons We meete withall , of any rancke or quality , And if we cannot ieere them , we ieere our selues . P. CA.

A pretty sweete society ! and a gratefull !

PIC.

'Pray let 's see some .

SHV. Haue at you , then Lawyer . They say , there was one of your coate in Bet'lem , lately , ALM.

I wonder all his Clients were not there .

MAD.

They were the madder sort .

PIC. Except , Sir , one Like you , and he made verses . FIT. Madrigall , A ieere . MAD.

I know .

SHV. But what did you doe , Lawyer ? When you made loue to Mistresse Band , at dinner . MAD.

Why ? of an Aduocate , he grew the Clyent .

P. IV.

Well play'd , my Poet .

MAD. And shew'd the Law of nature Was there aboue the Common-Law . SHV. Quit , quit , P. IV. Call you this ieering ? I can play at this , 'T is like a Ball at Tennis . FIT. Very like , But we were not well in . ALM. 'T is indeed , Sir . When we doe speake at volley , all the ill We can one of another . SHV. As this morning , ( I would you had heard vs ) of the Rogue your Vncle . ALM

That Mony-bawd .

MAD. We call'd him a Coat-card O' the last order . P. IV.

What 's that ? a Knaue ?

MAD. Some readings haue it so , my manuscript Doth speake it , Varlet . P. CA. And your selfe a Foole O' the first ranke , and one shall haue the leading O' the right-hand file , vnder this braue Commander . P. IV.

What saist thou , Canter ?

P. CA. Sir , I say this is A very wholesome exercise , and comely . Like Lepers , shewing one another their scabs . Or flies feeding on vlcers . P. IV. What Newes Gentlemen ? Ha' you any newes for after dinner ? me thinks We should not spend our time vnprofitably . P. CA. They neuer lie , Sir , betweene meales , 'gainst supper You may haue a Bale or two brought in . FIT. This Canter , Is an old enuious Knaue ! ALM.

A very Rascall !

FIT. I ha' mark'd him all this meale , he has done nothing But mocke , with scuruy faces , all wee said . ALM. A supercilious Rogue ! he lookes as if He were the Patrico — MAD. Or Arch-priest o' Canters , SHV. Hee 's some primate metropolitan Rascall , Our shot-clog makes so much of him . ALM The Law , And he does gouerne him P. IV.

What say you , Gentlemen ?

FIT. We say , we wonder not , your man o' Law , Should be so gracious wi' you ; but how it comes , This Rogue , this Canter ! P. IV.

O , good words .

FIT. A fellow That speakes no language — ALM. But what gingling Gipsies , And Pedlers trade in — FIT. And no honest Christian Can vnderstand — P. CA. Why ? by that argument , You all are Canters , you , and you , and you , He speakes to all the Ieerers . All the whole world are Canters , I will proue it In your professions . P. IV. I would faine heare this , But stay , my Princesse comes , prouide the while , I 'll call for 't anone . How fares your Grace ?

ACT. IIII. SCENE . II. LICKFINGER . PECVNIA . STATVTE-BAND . WAXE . to them .

I hope the fare was good .

PEC. Yes , Lickfinger , Lickfinger is challeng'd by Madrigal of an argument . And we shall thanke you for 't and reward you . MAD. Nay , I 'll not lose my argument , Lickfinger ; Before these Gentlemen , I affirme , The perfect , and true straine of poetry , Is rather to be giuen the quicke Celler , Then the fat Kitchin . LIC. Heretique , I see Thou art for the vaine Oracle of the Botle . The hogshead , Trismegistus , is thy Pegasus . Thence flowes thy Muses spring , from that hard hoofe : Seduced Poet , I doe say to thee , A Boyler , Range , and Dresser were the Fountaines , Of all the knowledge in the vniuerse . And they are the Kitchins , where the Master-Cooke — ( Thou dost not know the man , nor canst thou know him , Till thou hast seru'd some yeeres in that deepe schoole , That 's both the Nurse and Mother of the Arts , And hear'st him read , interpret , and demonstrate ! ) A Master-Cooke ! Why , he 's the man o' men , For a Professor ! he designes , he drawes , He paints , he carues , he builds , he fortifies , Makes Citadels of curious fowle and fish , Some he dri-dishes , some motes round with broths . Mounts marrowbones , cuts fifty angled custards , Reares bulwark pies , and for his outerworkes He raiseth Ramparts of immortall crust ; And teacheth all the Tacticks , at one dinner : What Rankes , what Files , to put his dishes in ; The whole Art Military . Then he knowes , The influence of the Starres vpon his meats , And all their seasons , tempers , qualities , And so to fit his relishes , and sauces , He has Nature in a pot , 'boue all the Chymists , Or airy brethren of the Rosie-crosse . He is an Architect , an Inginer , A Souldiour , a Physician , a Philosopher , A generall Mathematician . MAD.

It is granted .

LIC. And that you may not doubt him , for a Poet — ALM. This fury shewes , if there were nothing else ! And 't is diuine ! I shall for euer hereafter , Admire the wisedome of a Cooke ! BAN.

And we , Sir !

P. IV. O , how my Princesse drawes me , with her lookes , Peny-boy is courting his Princesse all the while . And hales me in , as eddies draw in boats , Or strong Charybdis ships , that saile too neere The shelues of Loue ! The tydes of your two eyes ! Wind of your breath , are such as sucke in all , That doe approach you ! PEC.

Who hath chang'd my seruant ?

P. IV. Your selfe , who drinke my blood vp with your beames ; As doth the Sunne , the Sea ! Pecunia shines More in the world then he : and makes it Spring Where e'r she fauours ! 'please her but to show Her melting wrests , or bare her yuorie hands , She catches still ! her smiles they are Loue 's fetters ! Her brests his apples ! her teats Stawberries ! Where Cupid ( were he present now ) would cry Fare well my mothers milke , here 's sweeter Nectar ! Helpe me to praise Pecunia , Gentlemen : She 's your Princesse , lend your wits , FIT. A Lady , The Graces taught to moue ! ALM. The Floures did nurse ! They all beginne the encomium of Pecunia . FIT.

Whose lips are the instructions of all Louers !

ALM.

Her eyes their lights , and riualls to the Starres !

FIT.

A voyce , as if that Harmony still spake !

ALM.

And polish'd skinne , whiter then Venus foote !

FIT.

Young Hebes necke , or Iunoe's armes !

ALM. A haire , Large as the Mornings , and her breath as sweete , As meddowes after raine , and but new mowne ! FIT.

Laeda might yeeld vnto her , for a face !

ALM.

Hermione for brests !

FIT.

Flora , for cheekes !

ALM.

And Helen for a mouth !

P. IV. Kisse , kisse 'hem , Princesse . She kisseth them . FIT. The pearle doth striue in whitenesse , with her necke , ALM. But loseth by it : here the Snow thawes Snow ; One frost resolues another ! FIT. O , she has A front too slippery to be look't vpon ! ALM.

And glances that beguile the seers eyes !

P. IV. Kisse , kisse againe , what saies my man o' warre ? Againe . SHV. I say , she 's more , then Fame can promise of her . A Theame , that 's ouercome with her owne matter ! Praise is strucke blind , and deafe , and dumbe with her ! Shee doth astonish Commendation ! P. IV. Well pumpt i'faith old Sailor : kisse him too : Though he be a slugge . What saies my Poet-sucker ! She kisseth Captaine Shunfield . He 's chewing his Muses cudde , I doe see by him . MAD.

I haue almost done , I want but e'ne to finish .

FIT.

That 's the ill luck of all his workes still .

P. IV.

What ?

FIT. To beginne many works , but finish none ; P. IV.

How does he do his Mistresse work ?

FIT.

Imperfect .

ALM.

I cannot thinke he finisheth that .

P. IV. Let 's heare ▪ MAD. It is a Madrigall , I affect that kind Of Poem , much . P. IV.

And thence you ha' the name .

FIT. It is his Rose . He can make nothing else MAD. I made it to the tune the Fidlers play'd , That we all lik'd so well . P. IV.

Good , read it , read it .

MAD. The Sunne is father of all mettalls , you know , Siluer , and gold . P. IV.

I , leaue your Prologues , say !

SONG . MADRIGAL . As bright as is the Sunne her Sire , Or Earth her mother , in her best atyre , Or Mint , the Mid-wife , with her sire , Comes forth her Grace ! The splendour of the wealthiest Mines ! The stamp , and strength of all imperiall lines , Both maiesty and beauty shines , In her sweet face ! Looke how a Torch , of Taper light , Or of that Torches flame , a Beacon bright ;

P. IV.

That Mint the Midwife does well .

FIT.

That 's fairely said of Money .

P. IV.

Good !

MAD.

Now there , I want a line to finish , Sir .

P. IV. Or of that Beacons fire , Moone-light : MAD.

So takes she place !

FIT. 'T is good . And then I haue a Saraband — She makes good cheare , she keepes full boards , She holds a Faire of Knights , and Lords , A Mercat of all Offices , And Shops of honour , more or lesse . According to Pecunia's Grace , The Bride hath beauty , blood , and place , The Bridegrome vertue , valour , wit , And wisedome , as he stands for it . PIC. Call in the Fidlers . Nicke , the boy shall sing it , He vrgeth her to kisse them all . Sweet Princesse , kisse him , kisse 'hem all , deare Madame , And at the close , vouchsafe to call them Cousins . PEC. Sweet Cousin Madrigall , and Cousin Fitton , My Cousin Shunfield , and my learned Cousin . P. CA.

Al-manach , though they call him Almanack .

P. IV.

Why , here 's the Prodigall prostitutes his Mistresse !

P·IV. And Picklocke , he must be a kinsman too . My man o' Law will teach vs all to winne , And keepe our owne . Old Founder . P. CA. Nothing , I Sir ? I am a wretch , a begger . She the fortunate . Can want no kindred , wee , the poore know none . FIT.

Nor none shall know , by my consent .

ALM. Nor mine , P. IV.

Sing , boy , stand here .

P. CA. Look , look , The boy sings the song . how all their eyes Dance i' their heads ( obserue ) scatter'd with lust ! At sight o' their braue Idoll ! how they are tickl'd , With a light ayre ! the bawdy Saraband ! They are a kinde of dancing engines all ! And set , by nature , thus , to runne alone To euery sound ! All things within , withou them , Moue , but their braine , and that stands still ! mere monsters Here , in a chamber , of most subtill feet ! And make their legs in tune , passing the streetes ! These are the gallant spirits o' the age ! The miracles o' the time ! that can cry vp And downe mens wits ! and set what rate on things Their half-brain'd fancies please ! Now pox vpon 'hem . See how solicitously he learnes the Iigge , As if it were a mystery of his faith ! SHV.

A dainty ditty !

FIT. O , hee 's a dainty Poet ! When he sets to 't ! P. IV. And a dainty Scholler ! They are all struck with admiration . ALM.

No , no great scholler , he writes like a Gentleman .

SHV.

Pox o' your Scholler .

P. CA. Pox o' your distinction ! As if a Scholler were no Gentleman . With these , to write like a Gentleman , will in time Become , all one , as to write like an Asse , These Gentlemen ? these Rascalls ! I am sicke Of indignation at 'hem . P. IV.

How doe you lik't , Sir ?

FIT.

'T is excellent !

ALM.

'T was excellently sung !

FIT.

A dainty Ayre !

P. IV.

What saies my Lickfinger ?

LIC. I am telling Mistresse Band , and Mistresse Statute , What a braue Gentleman you are , and Waxe , here ! How much 't were better , that my Ladies Grace , Would here take vp Sir , and keepe house with you . P. IV.

What say they ?

STA.

We could consent , Sr , willingly .

BAND .

I , if we knew her Grace had the least liking .

WAX.

We must obey her Graces will , and pleasure .

P. IV. I thanke you , Gentlewomen , ply 'hem , Lickfinger . Giue mother Mortgage , there — LIC. Her doze of Sacke . I haue it for her , and her distance of Hum . PEC. Indeede therein , I must confesse , deare Cousin , The Gallants are all about Pecunia . I am a most vnfortunate Princesse . ALM. And You still will be so , when your Grace may helpe it . MAD. who 'ld lie in a roome , with a close-stoole , and garlick ? And kennell with his dogges ? that had a Prince Like this young Peny-boy , to soiourne with ? SHV. He 'll let you ha' your liberty — ALM. Goe forth , Whither you please , and to what company — MAD. Scatter your selfe amongst vs — P. IV. Hope of Pernassus ! Thy Iuy shall not wither , nor thy Bayes , Thou shalt be had into her Graces Cellar , And there know Sacke , and Claret , all December , Thy veine is rich , and we must cherish it . Poets and Bees swarme now adaies , but yet There are not those good Tauernes , for the one sort , As there are Flowrie fields to feed the other . Though Bees be pleas'd with dew , aske little Waxe That brings the honey to her Ladyes hiue : The Poet must haue wine . And he shall haue it .

ACT. IIII. SCENE . IIJ. PENI-BOY . SE. PENY-BOY . IV. LICKFINGER . &c.

BRoker ? what Broker ?

P. IV.

Who 's that ? my Vncle !

P. SE.

I am abus'd , where is my Knaue ? my Broker ?

LIC. Your Broker is laid out vpon a bench , yonder , Sacke hath seaz'd on him , in the shape of sleepe . PIC.

Hee hath beene dead to vs almost this houre .

P. SE

This houre ?

P. CA.

Why sigh you Sr ? 'cause he 's at rest ?

P. SE.

It breeds my vnrest .

LIC. Will you take a cup He strikes the Sacke out of his hand . And try if you can sleepe ? P. SE. No , cogging Iacke , Thou and thy cups too , perish . SHV.

O , the Sacke !

MAD.

The sacke , the sacke !

P. CA.

A Madrigall on Sacke !

PIC.

Or rather an Elegy , for the Sacke is gone .

PEC. Why doe you this , Sir ? spill the wine , and raue ? For Brokers sleeping ? P. SE. What through sleepe , and Sacke , My trust is wrong'd : but I am still awake , Hee would haue Pecunia home . But shee refuseth . And her Traine . To waite vpon your Grace , please you to quit This strange lewd company , they are not for you . PEC.

No Guardian , I doe like them very well .

P. SE Your Graces pleasure be obseru'd , but you Statute , and Band , and Waxe , will goe with me . SAT.

Truly we will not .

BAN. We will stay , and wait here Vpon her Grace , and this your Noble Kinsman . P. SE.

Noble ? how noble ! who hath made him noble ?

P. IV. Why , my most noble money hath , or shall ▪ My Princesse , here . She that had you but kept , And treated kindly , would haue made you noble , And wise , too : nay , perhaps haue done that for you , An Act of Parliament could not , made you honest . The truth is , Vncle , that her Grace dislikes Her entertainment : specially her lodging . PEC. Nay , say her iaile . Neuer vnfortunate Princesse , Was vs'd so by a Iaylor . Aske my women , Band , you can tell , and Statute , how he has vs'd me , Kept me close prisoner , vnder twenty bolts — STA. And forty padlocks — BAN. All malicious ingines A wicked Smith could forge out of his yron : As locks , and keyes , shacles , and manacles , To torture a great Lady . STA. H' has abus'd Your Graces body . PEC. No , he would ha' done , That lay not in his power : he had the vse Of our bodies , Band , and Waxe , and sometimes Statutes : But once he would ha' smother'd me in a chest , And strangl'd me in leather , but that you Came to my rescue , then , and gaue mee ayre . STA. For which he cramb'd vs vp in a close boxe , All three together , where we saw no Sunne In one sixe moneths . WAX.

A cruell man he is !

BAN. H' has left my fellow Waxe out , i' the cold , STA. Till she was stiffe , as any frost , and crumbl'd Away to dust , and almost lost her forme . WAX.

Much adoe to recouer me .

P. SE. Women Ieerers ! Haue you learn'd too , the subtill facultie ? Come , I 'll shew you the way home , if drinke , Or , too full diet haue disguis'd you . BAN. Troth , We haue not any mind , Sir , of returne — STA. To be bound back to backe . — BAN. And haue our legs Turn'd in , or writh'd about — WAX. Or else display'd — STA. Be lodg'd with dust and fleas , as we were wont — BAN.

And dyeted with dogs dung .

P. SE. Why ? you whores , My bawds , my instruments , what should I call you , Man may thinke base inough for you ? P. IV. Heare you , vncle . I must not heare this of my Princesse seruants , And in Apollo , in Pecunia's roome , Goe , get you downe the staires : Home , to your Kennell , As swiftly as you can . Consult your dogges , The Lares of your family ; or beleeue it , The fury of a foote-man , and a drawer Hangs ouer you . SHV. Cudgell , and pot doe threaten A kinde of vengeance . MAD.

Barbers are at hand .

ALM.

Washing and shauing will ensue .

FIT. The Pumpe They all threaten , Is not farre off ; If 't were , the sinke is neere : Or a good Iordan . MAD. You haue now no money , SHV.

But are a Rascall .

P. SE. I am cheated , robb'd Ieer'd by confederacy . FIT. No , you are kick'd And vsed kindly , as you should be . SHV. Spurn'd , And spurne him . From all commerce of men , who are a curre . ALM.

Kicke him , out ▪

Hee exclaimes .

A stinking dogge , in a dublet , with foule linnen .

MAD.

A snarling Rascall , hence .

SHV.

Out .

P. SE. Wel , remember , I am coozen'd by my Cousin , and his whore ! Bane o 'these meetings in Apollo ! LIC. Goe , Sir , One of his Dogges . You will be tost like Block , in a blanket else . P. IV.

Downe with him , Lickfinger .

P. SE. Saucy Iacke away , Pecunia is a whore . P. IV. Play him downe , Fidlers , And drown his noise . Who 's this ! FIT.

O Master Pyed-mantle !

ACT. IIIJ. SCENE . IV. PYED-MANTLE . to them .

Pyed-mantle brings the Lady Pecunia her pedigree . BY your leaue , Gentlemen .

FIT. Her Graces Herald , ALM.

No Herald yet , a Heraldet .

P. IV.

What 's that ?

P. CA.

A Canter .

P. IV.

O , thou said'st thou 'dst sprone vs all so !

P. CA. Sir , here is one will proue himselfe so , streight , So shall the rest , in time . PEC. My Pedigree ? I tell you , friend , he must be a good Scholler , Can my discent . I am of Princely race , And as good blood , as any is i' the mines , Runnes through my veines . I am , euery limb , a Princesse ! Dutchesse o' mynes , was my great Grandmother . And by the Fathers side , I come from Sol . My Grand-father was Duke of Or , and match'd In the blood-royall of Ophyr . PYE.

Here 's his Coat .

PEC.

I know it , if I heare the Blazon .

PYE. He beares In a field Azure , a Sunne proper , beamy , Twelue of the second . P. CA.

How farr 's this from canting ?

P. IV.

Her Grace doth vnderstand ti .

P. CA.

She can cant , Sr.

PEC.

What be these ? Besants ?

PYE.

Yes , an 't please your Grace .

PEC. That is our Coat too , as we come from Or. What line 's this ? PYE. The rich mynes of Potosi . The Spanish mynes i' the West-Indies . PEC.

This ?

PYE.

The mynes o' Hungary , this of Barbary .

PEC.

But this , this little branch .

PEC.

The Welsh-myne that .

PEC.

I ha' Welsh-blood in me too , blaze , Sir , that Coat .

PYE. She beares ( an 't please you ) Argent , three leekes vert In Canton Or , and tassel'd of the first . P. CA.

Is not this canting ? doe you vnderstand him ?

P. IV. Not I , but it sounds well , and the whole thing Is rarely painted , I will haue such a scrowle , What ere it cost me . PEC. Well , at better leasure , We 'll take a view of it , and so reward you . P. IV.

Kisse him , sweet Princesse , and stile him a Cousin . She kisseth .

PEC.

I will , if you will haue it . Cousin Pyed-mantle .

P. IV. I loue all men of vertue , from my Princesse , Vnto my begger , here , old Canter , on , On to thy proofe , whom proue you the next Canter ? P. CA. The Doctor here , I will proceed with the learned . When he discourseth of dissection , Or any point of Anatomy : that hee tells you , Of Vena caua , and of vena porta , The Meseraicks , and the Mesenterium . What does hee else but cant ? Or if he runne To his Iudiciall Astrologie , And trowle the Trine , the Quartile and the Sextile , Platicke aspect , and Partile , with his Hyleg Or Alchochoden , Cuspes , and Horroscope . Does not he cant ? Who here does vnderstand him ? ALM.

This is no Canter , tho !

P. CA. Or when my Muster-Master Talkes of his Tacticks , and his Rankes , and Files ; His Bringers vp , his Leaders on , and cries , Faces about to the right hand , the left , Now , as you were : then tells you of Redoubts , Of Cats , and Cortines . Doth not he cant ? P. IV.

Yes , 'faith .

P. CA. My Eg-chind Laureat , here , when he comes forth With Dimeters , and Trimeters , Tetrameters , Pentameters , Hexameters , Catalecticks , His Hyper , and his Brachy-Catalecticks , His Pyrrhichs , Epitrites , and Choriambicks . What is all this , but canting ? MAD.

A rare fellow !

SHV.

Some begging Scholler !

FIT.

A decay'd Doctor at least !

P. IV.

Nay , I doe cherish vertue , though in rags .

P. CA.

And you , Mas Courtier .

P. IV. Now he treats of you , Stand forth to him , faire . P. CA. With all your fly-blowne proiects , And lookes out of the politicks , your shut-faces , And reseru'd Questions , and Answers that you game with , As Is 't a Cleare businesse ? will it mannage well ? My name must not be vs'd else . Here , 't will dash . Your businesse has receiu'd a taint , giue off , I may not prostitute my selfe . Tut , tut , That little dust I can blow off , at pleasure . Here 's no such mountaine , yet , i' the whole worke ! But a light purse may leuell . I will tyde This affayre for you ; giue it freight , and passage . And such mynt-phrase , as 't is the worst of canting , By how much it affects the sense , it has not . FIT.

This is some other then he seemes !

P. IV.

How like you him ?

FIT.

This cannot be a Canter !

P. IV. But he is , Sir , And shall be still , and so shall you be too : We 'll all be Canters . Now , I thinke of it , A noble Whimsie 's come into my braine ! Canters-Colledge , begun to be erected . I 'll build a Colledge , I , and my Pecunia , And call it Canters Colledge , sounds it well ? ALM.

Excellent !

P. IV. And here stands my Father Rector , And you Professors , you shall all professe Something , and liue there , with her Grace and me , Your Founders : I 'll endow 't with lands , and meanes , And Lickfinger shall be my Master-Cooke . What ? is he gone ? P. CA.

And a Professor .

P. IV.

Yes .

P. CA. And read Apicius de reculinaria To your braue Doxie , and you ! P. IV. You , Cousin Fitton , Shall ( as a Courtier ) read the politicks ; Doctor Al-manack , hee shall read Astrology , Shunfield shall read the Military Arts . P. CA.

That 's Madrigall . As caruing , and assaulting the cold custard .

P. IV. And Horace here , the Art of Poetry . His Lyricks , and his Madrigalls , fine Songs , Which we will haue at dinner , steept in claret , And against supper , sowc't in sacke . MAD. In troth A diuine Whimsey ! SHV. And a worthy worke , Fit for a Chronicle ! P. IV.

Is 't not ?

SHV.

To all ages .

P. IV. And Pyed-mantle , shall giue vs all our Armes , But Picklocke , what wouldst thou be ? Thou canst cant too . PIC. In all the languages in Westminster-Hall , Fleas , Bench , or Chancery . Fee-Farme , Fee-Tayle , Tennant in dower , At will , For Terme of life , By Copy of Court Roll , Knights seruice , Homage , Fealty , Escuage , Soccage , or Frank almoigne , Grand Sergeanty , or Burgage . P. IV. Thou appear'st , {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} a Canter . Thou shalt read All Littletons tenures to me , and indeed All my Conueyances . PIC. And make 'hem too , Sir ? Keepe all your Courts , be Steward o' your lands , Let all your Leases , keepe your Euidences , But first , I must procure , and passe your mort-maine You must haue licence from aboue , Sir . P. IV. Feare not , Pecunia's friends shall doe it . P. CA. But I shall stop it . Your worships louing , and obedient father , Your painefull Steward , and lost Officer ! Here his father discouers himselfe . Who haue done this , to try how you would vse Pecunia , when you had her : which since I see , I will take home the Lady , to my charge , And these her seruants , and leaue you my Cloak , To trauell in to Beggers Bush ! A Seate , Is built already , furnish'd too , worth twentie Of your imagin'd structures , Canters Colledge . FIT.

'T is his Father !

MAD.

Hee 's aliue , me thinks .

ALM.

I knew he was no Rogue !

P. CA. Thou , Prodigall , Was I so carefull for thee , to procure , And plot wi' my learn'd Counsell , Master Picklocke , This noble match for thee , and dost thou prostitute , Scatter thy Mistresse fauours , throw away Her bounties , as they were red-burning coales , Too hot for thee to handle , on such rascalls ? Who are the scumme , and excrements of men ? If thou had'st sought out good , and vertuous persons Of these professions : I 'had lou'd thee , and them . For these shall neuer haue that plea 'gainst me , Or colour of aduantage , that I hate Their callings , but their manners , and their vices . A worthy Courtier , is the ornament Of a Kings Palace , his great Masters honour . This is a moth , a rascall , a Court-rat , That gnawes the common-wealth with broking suits , And eating grieuances ! So , a true Souldier , He is his Countryes strength , his Soueraignes safety , And to secure his peace , he makes himselfe . The heyre of danger , nay the subiect of it , And runnes those vertuous hazards , that this Scarre-crow Cannot endure to heare of . SHV.

You are pleasant , Sir .

P. CA. With you I dare be ! Here is Pyed-mantle , 'Cause he 's an Asse , doe not I loue a Herald ? Who is the pure preseruer of descents , The keeper faire of all Nobility , Without which all would runne into confusion ? Were he a learned Herald , I would tell him He can giue Armes , and markes , he cannot honour , No more then money can make Noble : It may Giue place , and ranke , but it can giue no Vertue . And he would thanke me , for this truth . This dog-Leach , You stile him Doctor , 'cause he can compile An Almanack ; perhaps erect a Scheme For my great Madame monkey : when 't has ta'ne A glister , and bewrai'd the Ephemerides . Doe I despise a learn'd Physician ? In calling him a Quack-Saluer ? or blast The euer-liuing ghirlond , alwaies greene Of a good Poet ? when I say his wreath Is piec'd and patch'd of dirty witherd flowers ? Away , I am impatient of these vlcers , ( That I not call you worse ) There is no sore , Or Plague but you to infect the times . I abhorre Your very scent . Come , Lady , since my Prodigall Knew not to entertaine you to your worth , I 'll see if I haue learn'd , how to receiue you , Hee points him to his patch'd cloake throwne off . With more respect to you , and your faire traine here . Farewell my Begger in veluet , for to day , To morrow you may put on that graue Robe , And enter your great worke of Canters Colledge , Your worke and worthy of a Chronicle ,

The fourth Intermeane after the fourth Act . TATLE.

Why ? This was the worst of all ! the Catastrophe !

CEN.

The matter began to be good , but now : and he has spoyl'd it all , with his Begger there !

MIRT.

A beggerly Iacke it is , I warrant him , and a kin to the Poet .

TAT.

Like enough , for hee had the chiefest part in his play , if you marke it .

EXP.

Absurdity on him , for a huge ouergrowne Play-maker ! why should he make him liue againe , when they , and we all thought him dead ? If he had left him to his ragges , there had beene an end of him .

TAT.

I , but set a beggar on horse-backe , hee 'll neuer linne till hee be a gallop .

CEN.

The young heyre grew a fine Gentleman , in this last Act !

EXP.

So he did , Gossip : and kept the best company .

CEN.

And feasted 'hem , and his Mistresse !

TAT.

And shew'd her to 'hem all ! was not iealous !

MIRTH.

But very communicatiue , and liberall , and beganne to be magnificent , if the churle his father would haue let him alone .

CEN.

It was spitefully done o' the Poet , to make the Chuffe take him off in his heighth , when he was going to doe all his braue deedes !

EXP.

To found an Academy !

TAT.

Erect a Colledge !

EXP.

Plant his Professors , and water his Lectures .

MIRTH.

With wine , gossips , as he meant to doe , and then to defraud his purposes ?

EXP.

Kill the hopes of so many towardly young spirits ?

TAT.

As the Doctors ?

CEN.

And the Courtiers ! I protest , I was in loue with Master Fitton . He did weare all he had , from the hat-band , to the shooe-tye , so politically , and would stoop , and leere ?

MIRTH.

And lie so , in waite for a piece of wit , like a Mouse-trap ?

EXP.

Indeed Gossip , so would the little Doctor , all his behauiour was meere glister ! O' my conscience , hee would make any parties physicke i' the world worke , with his discourse .

MIR.

I wonder they would suffer it , a foolish old fornicating Father , to rauish away his sonnes Mistresse .

CEN.

And all her women , at once , as hee did !

TAT.

I would ha' flyen in his gypsies face i'faith .

MIRTH.

It was a plaine piece of politicall incest , and worthy to be brought afore the high Commission of wit . Suppose we were to censure him , you are the youngest voyce , Gossip Tatle , beginne .

TATLE.

Mary , I would ha' the old conicatcher coozen'd of all he has , i' the young heyres defence , by his learn'd Counsell , Mr Picklocke !

CENSVRE .

I would rather the Courtier had found out some tricke to begge him , from his estate !

EXP.

Or the Captaine had courage enough to beat him .

CEN.

Or the fine Madrigall-man , in rime , to haue runne him out o' the Countrey , like an Irish rat .

TAT.

No , I would haue Master Pyed-mantle , her Graces Herald , to pluck downe his hatchments , reuerse his coat-armour , and nullifie him for no Gentleman .

EXP.

Nay , then let Master Doctor dissect him , haue him open'd , and his tripes translated to Lickfinger , to make a probation dish of .

CEN. TAT.

Agreed ! Agreed !

MIRTH.

Faith I would haue him flat disinherited , by a decree of Court , bound to make restitution of the Lady Pecunia , and the vse of her body to his sonne .

EXP.

And her traine , to the Gentlemen .

CEN.

And both the Poet , and himselfe , to aske them all forgiuenesse !

TAT.

And vs too ▪

CEN. In two large sheetes of paper — EXP.

Or to stand in a skin of parchment , ( which the Court please )

CEN.

And those fill'd with newes !

MIRTH.

And dedicated to the sustaining of the Staple !

EXP.

Which their Poet hath let fall , most abruptly ?

MIRTH.

Banckruptly , indeede !

CEN.

You say wittily , Gossip , and therefore let a protest goe out against him .

MIR.

A mourniuall of protests ; or a gleeke at least !

EXP.

In all our names :

CEN.

For a decay'd wit —

EXP.

Broken —

TAT.

Non-soluent —

CENSVRE .

And , for euer , forfet —

MIRTH.

To scorne , of Mirth ?

CEN.

Censure !

EXP.

Expectation !

TAT.

Subsign'd . Tatle , Stay , they come againe .

ACT. V. SCENE . I. PENY-BOY . IV. to him THO. BARBER . after , PICKLOCKE . Hee comes out in the patchd cloak his father left him . NAy , they are fit , as they had been made for me , And I am now a thing , worth looking at ! The same , I said I would be in the morning . No Rogue , at a Comitia of the Canters , Did euer there become his Parents Robes Better , then I do these : great foole ! and begger ! Why doe not all that are of those societies , Come forth , and gratulate mee one of theirs ? Me thinkes , I should be , on euery side , saluted , Dauphin of beggers ! Prince of Prodigalls ! That haue so fall'n vnder the eares , and eyes , And tongues of all , the fable o' the time , Matter of scorne , and marke of reprehension ! I now begin to see my vanity , Shine in this Glasse , reflected by the foile ! Where is my Fashioner ? my Feather-man ? My Linnener ? Perfumer ? Barber ? all ? That tayle of Riot , follow'd me this morning ? Not one ! but a darke solitude about mee , Worthy my cloake , and patches ; as I had The epidemicall disease vpon mee : And I 'll sit downe with it . THO. My Master ! Maker ! How doe you ? Why doe you sit thus o' the ground , Sir ? Heare you the newes ? P. IV. No , nor I care to heare none . Would I could here sit still , and slip away The other one and twenty , to haue this Forgotten , and the day rac'd out , expung'd , In euery Ephemerides , or Almanack . Or if it must be in , that Time and Nature Haue decree'd ; still , let it be a day Of tickling Prodigalls , about the gills ; Deluding gaping heires , loosing their loues , And their discretions ; falling from the fauours Of their best friends , and parents ; their owne hopes ; And entring the society of Canters . THO. A dolefull day it is , and dismall times Are come vpon vs : I am cleare vndone . P. IV.

How , Thom ?

THO.

Why ? broke ! broke ! wretchedly broke !

P. IV.

Ha!

THO.

Our Staple is all to pieces , quite dissolu'd !

P. IV.

Ha!

THO. Shiuer'd , as in an earth-quake ! heard you not The cracke and ruines ? we are all blowne vp ! Soone as they heard th' Infanta was got from them , Whom they had so deuoured i' their hopes , To be their Patronesse , and soiourne with 'hem ; Our Emissaries , Register , Examiner , Flew into vapor : our graue Gouernour Into a subt'ler ayre ; and is return'd ( As we doe heare ) grand-Captaine of the Ieerers . I , and my fellow melted into butter , And spoyl'd our Inke , and so the Office vanish'd . The last hum that it made , was , that your Father , And Picklocke are fall'n out , the man o' Law . Hee starts vp at this . P. IV.

How ? this awakes me from my lethargy .

THO. And a great suite , is like to be betweene 'hem , Picklocke denies the Feofement , and the Trust , ( Your Father saies ) he made of the whole estate , Vnto him , as respecting his mortalitie , When he first laid this late deuice , to try you . P. IV.

Has Picklock then a trust ?

THO. I cannot tell , Here comes the worshipfull — PIC. What ? my veluet-heyre , Picklocke enters . Turn'd begger in minde , as robes ? P. IV. You see what case , Your , and my Fathers plots haue brought me to . P. C. Your Fathers , you may say , indeed , not mine . Hee 's a hard hearted Gentleman ! I am sorie To see his rigid resolution ! That any man should so put off affection , And humane nature , to destroy his owne ! And triumph in a victory so cruell ! He 's fall'n out with mee , for being yours , And calls me Knaue , and Traytors to his Trust , Saies he will haue me throwne ouer the Barre — P. IV.

Ha' you deseru'd it ?

PIC. O , good heauen knowes My conscience , and the silly latitude of it ! A narrow minded man ! my thoughts doe dwell All in a Lane , or line indeed ; No turning , Nor scarce obliquitie in them . I still looke Right forward to th' intent , and scope of that Which he would go from now . P. IV.

Had you a Trust , then ?

PIC. Sir , I had somewhat , will keepe you still Lord Of all the estate , ( if I be honest ) as I hope I shall . My tender scrupulous brest Will not permit me see the heyre defrauded , And like an Alyen , thrust out of the blood , The Lawes forbid that I should giue consent , To such a ciuill slaughter of a Sonne . P. IV.

Where is the deed ? hast thou it with thee ?

PIC. No , It is a thing of greater consequence , Then to be borne about in a blacke boxe , Like a Low-countrey vorloffe , or Welsh-briefe . It is at Lickfingers , vnder locke and key . P. IV.

O , fetch it hither .

PIC. I haue bid him bring it , That you might see it . P. IV.

Knowes he what brings ?

PIC. No more then a Gardiners Asse , what roots he carries , P. IV. I was a sending my Father , like an Asse , A penitent Epistle , but I am glad I did not , now . PIC. Hang him , an austere grape , That has no iuice , but what is veriuice in him . P. IV.

I 'll shew you my letter !

PVG. Shew me a defiance ! Peny-boy runnes out to fetch his letter . If I can now commit Father , and Sonne , And make my profits out of both . Commence A suite with the old man , for his whole state , And goe to Law with the Sonnes credit , vndoe Both , both with their owne money , it were a piece Worthy my night-cap , and the Gowne I weare , A Picklockes name in Law . Where are you Sir ? What doe you doe so long ? P. IV. I cannot find Where I haue laid it , but I haue laid it safe . PIC No matter , Sir , trust you vnto my Trust , 'T is that that shall secure you , an absolute deed ! And I confesse , it was in Trust , for you , Lest any thing might haue hapned mortall to him : But there must be a gratitude thought on , And aid , Sir , for the charges of the suite , Which will be great , 'gainst such a mighty man , As is our Father , and a man possest Of so much Land , Pecunia and her friends . I am not able to wage Law with him , Yet must maintaine the thing , as mine owne right , Still for your good , and therefore must be bold To vse your credit for monies . P. IV. What thou wilt , So wee be safe , and the Trust beare it . PIC. Feare not , 'T is hee must pay arrerages in the end . Wee 'l milke him , and Pecunia , draw their creame downe , Before he get the deed into his hands . My name is Picklocke , but hee 'll finde me a Padlocke .

ACT. V. SCENE . II. PENY-BOY . CAN . PENY-BOY . IV. PICKLOCK . THO. BARBAR . HOw now ? conferring wi 'your learned Counsell , Vpo' the Cheat ? Are you o' the plot to coozen mee ? P. IV.

What plot ?

P. ●●.. Your Counsell knowes there , Mr Picklock , Will you restore the Trust yet ? PIC. Sir , take patience . And memory vnto you , and bethinke you , What Trust ? where dost appeare ? I haue your Deed , Doth your Deed specifie any Trust ? Is 't not A perfect Act ? and absolute in Law ? Seal'd and deliuer'd before witnesses ? The day and date , emergent . P. CA. But what conference ? What othes , and vowes preceded ? PIC. I will tell you , Sir , Since I am vrg'd of those , as I remember , You told me you had got a growen estate , By griping meanes , sinisterly . ( P. CA.

How ! )

PIC. And were Eu'n weary of it ; if the parties liued , From whom you had wrested it — ( P. CA.

Ha! )

PIC. You could be glad , To part with all , for satisfaction : But since they 'had yeelded to humanity , And that iust heauen had sent you , for a punishment ( You did acknowledge it ) this riotous heyre , That would bring all to beggery in the end , And daily sow'd consumption , where he went — P. CA.

You 'old coozen both , then ? your Confederate , too ?

PIC. After a long , mature deliberation , You could not thinke , where , better , how to place it — P. CA.

Then on you , Rascall ?

PIC. What you please i' your passion , But with your reason , you will come about And thinke a faithfull , and a frugall friend To be preferr'd . P. CA.

Before a Sonne ?

PIC. A Prodigall , A tubbe without a bottome , as you term'd him ; For which , I might returne you a vow , or two , And seale it with an oath of thankfulnesse , I not repent it , neither haue I cause , Yet — P. CA. Fore-head of steele , and mouth of brasse ! hath impudence Polish'd so grosse a lie , and dar'st thou vent it ? Engine , compos'd of all mixt mettalls ! hence , I will not change a syllab , with thee , more , Till I may meet thee , at a Barre in Court , Before thy Iudges . PIC. Thither it must come , Before I part with it , to you , or you , Sir . P. CA.

His Son entreats him . I will not heare thee .

P. IV. Sir , your eare to mee , though . Not that I see through his perplexed plots , And hidden ends , nor that my parts depend Vpon the vnwinding this so knotted skeane , Doe I beseech your patience . Vnto mee He hath confest the trust . PIC.

How ? I confesse it ?

P. IV.

I thou , false man .

P. ●●.

Stand vp to him , & confront him .

PIC.

Where ? when ? to whom ?

P· IV. To me , euen now , and here , Canst thou deny it ? PIC. Can I eate or drinke ? Sleepe , wake , or dreame ? arise , sit , goe , or stand ? Doe any thing that 's naturall ? P. IV. Yes , lye : It seemes thou canst , and periure : that is naturall ! PIC. O me ! what times are these ! of frontlesse carriage ▪ An Egge o' the same nest ! the Fathers Bird ! It runs in a blood , I see ! P. IV.

I 'll stop your mouth .

PIC.

With what ?

P. IV.

With truth .

PIC. With noise , I must haue witnes . Where is your witnes ? you can produce witnes ? P. IV. As if my testimony were not twenty , Balanc'd with thine ? PIC. So say all Prodigalls , Sicke of selfe-loue , but that 's not Law , young Scatter-good . I liue by Law . P. IV. Why ? if thou hast a conscience , That is a thoussnd witnesses . PIC. No , Court , Grants out a Writ of Summons , for the Conscience , That I know , nor Sub-paena , nor Attachment . I must haue witnesse , and of your producing , Ere this can come to hearing , and it must Be heard on oath , and witnesse . P. IV. Come forth , Thom , Hee produceth Thom. Speake what thou heard'st , the truth , and the whole truth , And nothing but the truth . What said this varlet ? PIC.

A rat behind the hangings !

THO. Sir , he said It was a Trust ! an Act , the which your Father Had will to alter : but his tender brest Would not permit to see the heyre defrauded ; And like an alyen , thrust out of the blood . The Lawes forbid that he should giue consent To such a ciuill slaughter of a Sonne — P. IV. And talk'd of a gratuitie to be giuen , And ayd vnto the charges of the suite ; Which he was to maintaine , in his owne name , But for my vse , he said . P. CA.

It is enough .

THO. And he would milke Pecunia , and draw downe Her creame , before you got the Trust , againe . P. CA. Your eares are in my pocket , Knaue , goe shake 'hem , The little while you haue them . PIC. You doe trust To your great purse . P. CA. I ha' you in a purse-net , Good Master Picklocke , wi' your worming braine , And wrigling ingine-head of maintenance , Which I shall see you hole with , very shortly . A fine round head , when those two lugs are off , To trundle through a Pillory . You are sure You heard him speake this ? P. IV.

I , and more .

THO.

Much more !

PIC. I 'll proue yours maintenance , and combination , And sue you all . P. CA. Doe , doe , my gowned Vulture , Crop in Reuersion : I shall see you coyted Ouer the Barre , as Barge-men doe their billets . PIC. This 't is , when men repent of their good deeds , And would ha 'hem in againe — They are almost mad ! But I forgiue their Lucida Interualla . O , Lickfinger ? come hither . Where 's my writing ? Pick-lock spies Lickfinger , and askes him aside for the writing .

ACT. V. SCENE . III. LICKFINGER . to them . I sent it you , together with your keyes , PIC.

How ?

LIC. By the Porter , that came for it , from you , And by the token , you had giu'n me the keyes , And bad me bring it . PIC.

And why did you not ?

LIC.

Why did you send a counter-mand ?

PIC.

Who , I ?

LIC.

You , or some other you , you put in trust .

PIC.

In trust ?

LIC. Your Trust 's another selfe , you know , And without Trust , and your Trust , how should he Take notice of your keyes , or of my charge . PIC.

Know you the man ?

LIC. I know he was a Porter , And a seal'd Porter for he bore the badge On brest , I am sure . PIC.

I am lost ! a plot ! I sent it !

LIC. Why ! and I sent it by the man you sent Whom else , I had not trusted . PIC. Plague o' your trust . Picklocke goes out . I am truss'd vp among you . P. IV.

Or you may be .

PIC.

In mine owne halter , I haue made the Noose .

P. IV.

What was it , Lickfinger ?

LIC. A writing , Sir , Young Peny-boy discouers it , to his Father to be his plot of sending for it by the Porter , and that hee is in possession of the Deed . He sent for 't by a token , I was bringing it : But that he sent a Porter , and hee seem'd A man of decent carriage . P. CA. 'T was good fortune ! To cheat the Cheater , was no cheat , but iustice , Put off your ragges , and be your selfe againe , This Act of piety , and good affection , Hath partly reconcil'd me to you . P. IV.

Sir .

P. C. No vowes , no promises : too much protestation Makes that suspected oft , we would perswade . LIC.

Elder Peny-boy startles at the newes . Heare you the Newes ?

P. IV.

The Office is downe , how should we ?

LIC.

But of your vncle ?

P. IV.

No .

LIC.

He 's runne mad , Sir .

P. CA.

How , Lickfinger ?

LIC. Stark staring mad , your brother , H' has almost kill'd his maid . P. CA.

Now , heauen forbid .

LIC. But that she 's Cat-liu'd , and Squirrill-limb'd , With throwing bed-staues at her : h' has set wide His outer doores , and now keepes open house , For all the passers by to see his iustice : First , he has apprehended his two dogges , As being o' the plot to coozen him : And there hee sits like an old worme of the peace , Wrap'd vp in furres at a square table , screwing , Examining , and committing the poore curres , To two old cases of close stooles , as prisons ; The one of which , he calls his Lollard's tower , Th' other his Blocke-house , 'cause his two dogs names Are Blocke , and Lollard . P. IV. This would be braue matter Vnto the Ieerers . P. CA. I , If so the subiect Were not so wretched . LIC. Sure , I met them all , I thinke , vpon that quest. P. CA. 'Faith , like enough ▪ The vicious still are swift to shew their natures . I 'll thither too , but with another ayme , If all succeed well , and my simples take .

ACT. V. SCENE . IIIJ. He is seene sitting at his Table with papers before him . PENI-BOY . SEN. PORTER .

WHere are the prisoners ?

POR. They are forth-comming , Sr , Or comming forth at least . P. SE. The Rogue is drunke , Since I committed them to his charge . Come hither , Hee smells him . Neere me , yet neerer ; breath vpon me . Wine ! Wine , o' my worship ! sacke ! Canary sacke ! Could not your Badge ha' bin drunke with fulsome Ale ? Or Beere ? the Porters element ? but sacke ! POR. I am not drunke , we had , Sir , but one pynt , An honest carrier , and my selfe . P. SE.

Who paid for 't ?

POR.

Sir , I did giue it him .

P. SE. What ? and spend sixpence ! A Frocke spend sixpence ! sixpence ! POR. Once in a yeere , Sir , P. SE. In seuen yeers , varlet ! Know'st thou what thou hast done ? What a consumption thou hast made of a State ? It might please heauen , ( a lusty Knaue and young ) To let thee liue some seuenty yeeres longer . Till thou art fourescore , and ten ; perhaps , a hundred . Say seuenty yeeres ▪ how many times seuen in seuenty ? Why , seuen times ten , is ten times seuen , marke me , I will demonstrate to thee on my fingers , Six-pence in seuen yeere ( vse vpon vse ) Growes in that first seuen yeere , to be a twelue-pence . That , in the next , two-shillings ; the third foure-shillings ; The fourth seuen yeere , eight-shillings ; the fifth , sixteen : The sixth , two and thirty ; the seuenth , three-pound foure , The eighth , sixe pound , and eyght ; the ninth , twelue pound sixteen ; And the tenth seuen , fiue and twenty pound , Twelue Shillings . This thou art fall'n from , by thy riot ! Should'st thou liue seuenty yeeres , by spending six-pence , Once i' the seuen : but in a day to wast it ! There is a Summe that number cannot reach ! Out o' my house , thou pest o' prodigality ! Seed o' consumption ! hence , a wicked keeper Is oft worse then the prisoners . There 's thy penny , Foure tokens for thee . Out , away . My dogges , May yet be innocent , and honest . If not , I haue an entrapping question , or two more , To put vnto 'hem , a crosse Intergatory , And I shall catch 'hem ; Lollard ? Peace , What whispring was that you had with Mortgage , Hee calls forth Lollard , and examines him . When you last lick'd her feet ? The truth now . Ha ? Did you smell shee was going ? Put downe that . And not , Not to returne ? You are silent . good . And , when Leap'd you on Statute ? As she went forth ? Consent . There was Consent , as shee was going forth . 'T would haue beene fitter at her comming home , He commits him againe . But you knew that she would not ? To your Tower , You are cunning , are you ? I will meet your craft . Blocke , shew your face , leaue your caresses , tell me , Calls forth Blocke , and examines him . And tell me truly , what affronts do you know Were done Pecunia ? that she left my house ? None , say you so ? not that you know ? or will know ? I feare me , I shall find you an obstinate Curre . Why , did your fellow Lollard cry this morning ? 'Cause Broker kickt him ? why did Broker kicke him ? Because he pist against my Ladies Gowne ? Why , that was no affront ? no ? no distast ? You knew o' none . Yo' are a dissembling Tyke , Commits him . To your hole , againe , your Blocke-house . Lollard , arise , Where did you lift your legge vp , last ? 'gainst what ? Lollard is call'd again . Are you struck Dummerer now ? and whine for mercy ? Whose Kirtle was 't , you gnaw'd too ? Mistresse Bands ? And Waxe's stockings ? who did ? Blocke bescumber Statutes white suite ? wi' the parchment lace there ? And Brokers Sattin dublet ? all will out . They had offence , offence enough to quit mee . Blocke is sūmon'd the second time . Appeare Blocke , fough , 't is manifest . He shewes it , Should he for-sweare 't , make all the Affadauits , Against it , that he could afore the Bench , And twenty Iuries ; hee would be conuinc'd . Hee is remanded - He beares an ayre about him , doth confesse it ! To prison againe , close prison . Not you Lollard , You may enioy the liberty o' the house , Lollard has the liberty of the house . And yet there is a quirke come in my head , For which I must commit you too , and close , Doe not repine , it will be better for you .

Enter the Ieerers . ACT. V. SCENE . II. CYMBAL . FITTON . SHVNFIELD . ALMANACH . MADRIGAL . PENY-BOY . SEN. LICKFINGER . THis is enough to make the dogs mad too , Let 's in vpon him . P. SE. How now ? what 's the matter ? Come you to force the prisoners ? make a rescue ? FIT.

We come to baile your dogs .

P. SE. They are not baileable , They stand committed without baile , or mainprise , Your baile cannot be taken . SHV. Then the truth is , We come to vex you . ALM.

Ieere you .

MAD.

Bate you rather .

CYM.

A bated vserer will be good flesh .

FIT.

And tender , we are told .

P. SE. Who is the Butcher , Amongst you , that is come to cut my throat ? SHV. You would dye a calues death faine : but 't is an Oxes , Is meant you . FIT.

To be fairely knock'd o' the head .

SHV.

With a good Ieere or two .

P. SE. And from your iawbone , Don Assinigo ? CYM.

Shunfield , a Ieere , you haue it .

SHV. I doe confesse a washing blow ? but Snarle , You that might play the third dogge , for your teeth , You ha' no money now ? FIT.

No , nor no Mortgage .

ALM.

Nor Band .

MAD.

Nor Statute .

CYM.

No , nor blushet Wax .

P. SE.

Nor you no Office , as I take it .

SHV. Cymbal , A mighty Ieere . FIT.

Pox o 'these true ieasts , I say .

MAD.

He will turne the better ieerer .

ALM. Let 's vpon him , And if we cannot ieere him downe in wit , MAD.

Let 's do 't in noyse .

SHV.

Content .

MAD.

Charge , man o' warre .

ALM.

Lay him , abord .

SHV.

We 'll gi' him a broad side , first .

FIT.

Wher 's your venison , now ?

CYM.

Your red-Deer-pyes ?

SHV.

Wi' your bak'd Turkyes ?

ALM.

and your Partridges ?

MAD.

Your Phessants , & fat Swans ?

P. SE.

Like you , turn'd Geese .

MAD.

But such as will not keepe your Capitol ?

SHV. You were wont to ha●your Breams — ALM.

And Trouts sent in ?

CYM.

Fat Carps , and Salmons ?

FIT. I , and now , and then , An Embleme , o' your selfe , an o're-growne Pyke ? P. SE.

You are a Iack , Sir .

FIT. You ha' made a shift

To swallow twenty such poore Iacks ere now .

ALM.

If he should come to feed vpon poore-Iohn ?

MAD.

Or turne pure Iack-a-Lent after all this ?

FIT. Tut , he 'll liue like a Grashopper — MAD.

On dew .

SHV.

Or like a Beare , with licking his owne clawes .

CYM.

I , If his dogs were away .

ALM. He 'll eat them , first , While they are fat . FIT, Faith , and when they are gone , Here 's nothing to be seene beyond . CYM. Except His kindred , Spiders , natiues o' the soyle . ALM.

Dust , he will ha' enough here , to breed fleas .

MAD.

But , by that time , he 'll ha' no blood to reare 'hem .

SHV. He will be as thin as a lanterne , we shall see thorow him , ALM. And his gut colon , tell his Intestina — P. SE. Rogues , Rascalls ( * * His dogges barke . baw waw ) FIT.

He calls his dogs to his ayd .

ALM.

O! they but rise at mention of his tripes .

CYM.

Let them alone , they doe it not for him .

MAD.

They barke , se defendendo .

SHV. Or for custome , As commonly curres doe , one for another . LIC. Arme , arme you , Gentlemen Ieerers , th' old Canter Is comming in vpon you , with his forces , The Gentleman , that was the Canter . SHV.

Hence .

FIT.

Away .

CYM.

What is he ?

ALM.

stay not to ask questions .

FIT.

Hee 's a flame .

SHV.

A fornace .

ALM. A consumption , Kills where hee goes . LIC. See! the whole Couy is scatter'd , They all run away . ' Ware , ' ware the Hawkes . I loue to see him flye .

ACT. V. SCENE . VI. PENY-BOY . CA. PENY-BOY . SE. PENI-BOY . IV. PECVNIA . TRAINE . YOu see by this amazement , and distraction , What your companions were , a poore , affrighted , And guilty race of men , that dare to stand No breath of truth : but conscious to themselues Of their no-wit , or honesty , ranne routed At euery Pannicke terror themselues bred . Where else , as confident as sounding brasse , Their tinckling Captaine , Cymbal , and the rest , Dare put on any visor , to deride The wretched : or with buffon licence , ieast At whatsoe'r is serious , if not sacred . P. SE.

Peny-boy Se. acknowledgeth his elder brother . Who 's this ? my brother ! and restor'd to life !

P. CA Yes , and sent hither to restore your wits : If your short madnesse , be not more then anger , Conceiued for your losse ! which I returne you . See here , your Mortgage , Statute , Band , and Waxe , Without your Broker , come to abide with you ▪ And vindicate the Prodigall , from stealing Away the Lady . Nay , Pecunia her selfe , Is come to free him fairely , and discharge All ties , but those of Loue , vnto her person , To vse her like a friend , not like a slaue , Or like an Idoll . Superstition Doth violate the Deity it worships : No lesse then scorne doth . And beleeue it , brother The vse of things is all , and not the Store ; Surfet , and fulnesse , haue kill'd more then famine . The Sparrow , with his little plumage , flyes , While the proud Peacocke , oer-charg'd with pennes , Is faine to sweepe the ground , with his growne traine , And load of feathers . P. SE. Wise , and honour'd brother ! None but a Brother , and sent from the dead , As you are to me , could haue altered me : I thanke my Destiny , that is so gracious . Are there no paines , no Penalties decreed From whence you come , to vs that smother money , In chests , and strangle her in bagges . P. CA. O , mighty , Intolerable fines , and mulcts impo'sd ! ( Of which I come to warne you ) forfeitures Of whole estates , if they be knowne , and taken ! P. SE. I thanke you Brother for the light you haue giuen mee , I will preuent 'hem all . First free my dogges , Lest what I ha' done to them ( and against Law ) Be a Premuniri , for by Magna Charta They could not be committed , as close prisoners , My learned Counsell tells me here , my Cooke . And yet he shew'd me , the way , first . LIC. Who did ? I ? I trench the liberty o' the subiects ? P. CA. Peace , Picklocke , your Ghest , that Stentor , hath infected you , Whom I haue safe enough in a wooden collar . P. SE. Next , I restore these seruants to their Ladie , With freedome , heart of cheare , and countenance ; It is their yeere , and day of Iubilee . TRA.

We thanke you , Sir .

P. SE. And lastly , to my Nephew , I giue my house , goods , lands , all but my vices , Her Traine thanks him . And those I goe to cleanse ; kissing this Lady Whom I doe giue him too , and ioyne their bands . P. CA.

If the Spectators will ioyne theirs , wee thanke 'hem .

P. IV.

And wish they may , as I , enioy Pecunia .

PEC. And so Pecunia her selfe doth wish , That shee may still be ayde vnto their vses , Not slaue vnto their pleasures , or a Tyrant Ouer their faire desires ; but teach them all The golden meane : the Prodigall , how to liue , The sordid , and the couetous , how to dye , That with sound mind ; this safe frugality .

THE END

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The Epilogue . THus haue you seene the Makers double scope , To profit , and delight ; wherein our hope Is , though the clout we doe not alwaies hit , It will not be imputed to his wit : A Tree so tri'd , and bent , as 't will not start . Nor doth he often cracke a string of Art , Though there may other accidents as strange Happen , the weather of your lookes may change , Or some high wind of mis-conceit arise , To cause an alteration in our Skyes ; If so , we' are sorry that haue so mis-spent Our Time and Tackle , yet he 'is confident , And vow 's the next faire day , hee 'll haue vs shoot The same match o're for him , if you 'll come to 't .

Machine-generated castlist A04633_03-peni-boy_jr 230 A04633_03-peni-boy_sr 124 A04633_03-fitton 120 A04633_03-peni_boy_ca 87 A04633_03-cymbal 86 A04633_03-picklock 79 A04633_03-almanach 70 A04633_03-shunfield 63 A04633_03-lick-finger 62 A04633_03-thomas 50 A04633_03-madrigal 49 A04633_03-pecunia 40 A04633_03-mirth 39 A04633_03-broker 34 A04633_03-expectation 31 A04633_03-censure 31 A04633_03-tatle 29 A04633_03-register 22 A04633_03-fashioner 21 A04633_03-pyed-mantle 19 A04633_03-banbury 15 A04633_03-stagekeeper 14 A04633_03-prologue 10 A04633_03-wax 9 A04633_03-dop 9 A04633_03-unassigned 7 A04633_03-clerk 5 A04633_03-mortgage 5 A04633_03-porter 4 A04633_03-statute 3 A04633_03-c_2 2 A04633_03-spurrier 2 A04633_03-alice 2 A04633_03-multiple 1 A04633_03-pig-woman 1 A04633_03-haberdasher 1 A04633_03-trash 1 A04633_03-all 1 A04633_03-cus_5 1 A04633_03-cus_4 1 A04633_03-cus 1 A04633_03-shoemaker 1 A04633_03-bookholder 1 A04633_03-missing 1 A04633_03-leatherleg 1 A04633_03-pen-boy_jr 1

Textual Notes

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A04633_03-093-a-2620 tra●●ll there are a set of gamesters within , in travell of a thing call'd a Play , and would faine A04633_03-094-b-1540 ●rawes He drawes foorth his watch , and sets it on the Table A04633_03-094-b-2790 miny for now I'le sue out no mans Liuery , but mine owne , I stand on my owne feete , so much A04633_03-095-a-0230 S●nce write man , to beat thee . One and twenty , Since the clock strooke , compleat ! and thou A04633_03-096-a-1980 ●ide feele The powers of one and twenty , like a tide Flow in vpon mee , and perceiue an Heyre A04633_03-096-a-2350 pr●sently their true names , And they appeare to 'hem presently . A04633_03-096-a-4010 S●rieants the midst of his forces ! I hope they be no Serieants ! That hang vpon thy margents . This Rogue A04633_03-097-a-2350 Att●rney Picklocke , Sir , your man o' Law , And learn'd Attorney , has sent you a Bag of munition . A04633_03-098-a-1850 o● And Pontificiall newes , of all which seuerall , The Day-bookes , Characters A04633_03-098-a-2880 stan● Nay more I'll stand to't . For , where he was wont to get In A04633_03-098-a-3550 ou● And dish out newes , Were't true , or false . A04633_03-096-a-0170 Pe●y Peny reioyceth , that he 〈◊〉 . A04633_03-096-a-3130 mcoytie And as they are issued . I haue the iust mooytie For my part : then the other moeytie Is A04633_03-096-a-3210 mocytie iust mooytie For my part : then the other moeytie Is parted into seuen . The foure Emissaries A04633_03-100-b-0970 curt'●ies some of your veluet coate Make corpulent curt'sies to her , till they cracke for't . A04633_03-100-b-1680 deriuer Pyed mantle , the fine Herrald Professes to deliuer her through all ages , From all the Kings A04633_03-100-b-2010 off●r the crowned Poet Of these our times , doth offer at her praises As faire as any , when it A04633_03-101-a-0840 cemmit very Iustice o' Peace o'the Play , and can commit whom hee will , and what hee will , errour A04633_03-101-a-2830 Di●●ll Diuell euer married ? where doe you read , the Diuell was euer so honorable to commit Matrimony A04633_03-102-a-1210 ●o , and the worship of my family , When by no seruile me●nes they both are sought . A04633_03-102-a-1780 vnderstan●s Lady , and can valew't . Your selfe scarce vnderstands your proper powers . They are all-mighty A04633_03-102-a-3710 Nou●ish much Madame ▪ may encrease cold rheumes , Nourish catarrhes , greene sicknesses , and agues A04633_03-103-a-3350 h●ard , Master Secretary , I stood behinde And heard thee all . I honor thy dispatches . If they A04633_03-104-a-1130 they'had I leaue Iustice ? We knew 'twas theirs , they had right and Title to't . Now — A04633_03-104-b-1990 pickl●d I doe not loue pickl'd security , Would I had one good Fresh-man A04633_03-104-b-3490 An● said enough . I ha' no money , Gentlemen , And he goe to't in ryme once , not a penny A04633_03-105-b-3340 Butehers good Lord piece , doth all . Goes to the Butchers ▪ fetches in a muton , Then to the Bakers A04633_03-106-a-2760 porc lane Or in porcelane dishes There were some hope . A04633_03-106-b-0550 offer●d Hee has offer'd To gather vp spilt water , and preserue A04633_03-108-a-2580 aduis●d Are you aduis'd ? Now o'my faith , this Canter Would make A04633_03-109-b-0760 Emissartes petty-fogger here , Picklocke , with trust of an Emissaries place , And he is , all , for the young A04633_03-110-a-0140 migniar dise , and her creatures , too , With all the migniardise , and quaint Caresses , You can put on 'hem A04633_03-110-a-2460 abent Fitton is brought about . A04633_03-111-a-0320 Dunk●●ke an inuisible Ecle , To swimme the hauen at Dunkerke , and sinke all The shipping there . A04633_03-111-a-0450 ha●not Why ha' not you this , Thom ? A04633_03-111-a-2810 A●toma I'll shew you Sir It is an Automa , runnes vnder water , With a snug nose A04633_03-111-a-2890 s●●g is an Automa , runnes vnder water , With a snug nose , and has a nimble taile Made like A04633_03-111-a-5930 r●sents Beware how she resents it . A04633_03-111-b-5110 controuersie'twixt certainely turn'd Christian , and to cleare The controuersie 'twixt the Pope and him , Which is the Antichrist A04633_03-112-a-0380 con●ert A Coloney ●e Cookes sent ouer to conuert the Canniballs . A04633_03-112-a-5070 St●ge Thorow the streets . Ha'you no Newes o the Stage ? They'll aske me about new Playes , at A04633_03-112-b-2710 Prin●cesse There's twenty more , If you say so ; my Princesse is a Princesse ! And put that too , vnder A04633_03-113-b-0140 H●has He has taken a gray habit , and is turn'd The A04633_03-115-b-3050 grieft and what bettes wonne and lost ; how much griest went to the Mill and what besides : who A04633_03-116-b-1160 ●arlet haue it so , my manuscript Doth speake it , Varlet . A04633_03-117-b-2640 ●ncomium They all beginne the encomium of Pecunia . A04633_03-119-a-2370 H● He strikes the Sacke out of his hand . A04633_03-119-b-1480 ha'smother'd and sometimes Statutes : But once he would ha' smother'd me in a chest , And strangl'd A04633_03-121-a-3710 B●rgage or Frank almoigne , Grand Sergeanty , or Burgage . A04633_03-121-b-4240 ghirl●nd a Quack-Saluer ? or blast The euer-liuing ghirlond , alwaies greene Of a good Poet ? when I A04633_03-124-a-5060 hee●ll into his hands . My name is Picklocke , but hee'll finde me a Padlocke . A04633_03-127-b-2190 Gras●hopper Tut , he'll liue like a Grashopper — A04633_03-127-b-4160 currres Or for custome , As commonly curres doe , one for another . A04633_03-128-a-3080 ouer-charg●d plumage , flyes , While the proud Peacocke , oer-charg'd with pennes , Is faine to sweepe the ground A04633_03-128-b-3290 Oner slaue vnto their pleasures , or a Tyrant Ouer their faire desires ; but teach them all