Epicoene, or The Silent Woman

EPICOENE , OR The silent Woman .

PROLOGVE . TRuth sayes , of old , the art of making Playes Was to content the people ; and their prayse Was to the Poet money , wine , and bayes . But in this age , a sect of Writers are , That , onely , for particular likings care , And will taste nothing that is populare . With such we mingle neither braynes , nor brests ; Our wishes , like to those ( make publike feasts ) Are not to please the Cookes tastes , but the guests . Yet , if those cunning palates hether come , They shall find guests entreatie , and good roome ; And though all rellish not , sure , there will be some , That , when they leaue their seates , shall make 'hem say , Who wrote that piece , could so haue wrote a Play : But that , he knew , this was the better way . For , to present all Custard , or all Tart , And haue no other meats , to beare a part , Or to want bread , and salt , were but course art . The Poet prayes you then , with better thought To sit ; and , when his Cates are all in brought , Though there be none farre fet , there will deare-bought Be fit for Ladies : some for Lords , Knights , Squires , Some for your waiting wench , and Citie-wires , Some for your men , and daughters of White-Fryars . Nor is it , onely , while you keepe your seate Here , that his feast will last ; but you shall eate A weeke at Ord'naries , on his broken meate : If his Muse be true , Who commends her to you . Another . THe ends of all , who for the Scene doe write , Are , Occasion'd by some persons impertinent exception . or should be , to profit , and delight . And still 't hath beene the prayse of all best times , So persons were not touch'd , to taxe the crimes . Then , in this Play , which we present tonight , And make the obiect of your eare , and sight , On forfeit of your selues , thinke nothing true , Lest so you make the maker to iudge you . For he knowes , Poet neuer credit gain'd By writing truths , but things ( like truths ) well fain'd . If any , yet , will ( with particular slight Of application ) wrest what he doth write ; And that he meant or him , or her , will say : They make a Libell , which he made a Play .

Act I.

Scene I. Clerimont , Boy , True-wit .

He comes out making himselfe ready . HA' you got the Song yet perfect I ga' you , Boy ?

Boy .

Yes , Sir .

Cle.

Let me heare it .

Boy .

You shall , Sir , but i'faith let no body else .

Cle.

Why , I pay ?

Boy .

It will get you the dangerous name of a Poet in Towne , Sir , besides me a perfect deale of ill will at the Mansion you wot of , whose Ladie is the Argument of it : where now I am the welcom'st thing vnder a man that comes there .

Cle.

I think , and aboue a man too , if the truth were rack'd out of you .

Boy .

No faith , I 'll confesse before , Sir . The Gentlewomen play with me , and throw me o' the bed ; and carry me into my Lady ; and shee kisses me with her oyl'd face ; and puts a Perruke o' my head ; and askes mee an' I will weare her Gowne ; and I say , no : and then shee hits mee a blow o' the eare , and cals me Innocent , and lets me goe .

Cle.

No maruell , if the doore bee kept shut against your Master , when the entrance is so easie to you — well Sir , you shall goe there no more , lest I bee faine to seeke your voice in my Ladies Rushes , a fortnight hence , Sing , Sir . Boy sings .

Tru.

Why , here 's the man that can melt away his time , and neuer feeles it ! what , betweene his Mistris abroad , and his Engle at home , high Fare , soft Lodging , fine Clothes , and his Fiddle ; he thinkes the houres ha' no wings , or the day no Post-horse . Well , Sir Gallant , were you strooke with the Plague this minute , or condemn'd to any capitall punishment to morrow , you would beginne then to thinke , and value euery Article o' your time , esteeme it at the true rate , and giue all for 't .

Cle.

Why , what should a man doe ?

Tru.

Why , nothing : or that , which when 't is done , is as idle . Harken after the next Horse-race , or Hunting-match ; lay Wagers , prayse Puppy , or Pepper-corne , White-foot , Franklin ; Horses o' the time . swere vpon White-maynes party ; spend aloud , that my Lords may heare you ; visit my Ladies at night , and bee able to giue 'hem the Character of euery Bowler , or Better o' the Greene . These be the things , wherein your fashionable men exercise themselues , and I for company .

Cle.

Nay , if I haue thy authority , I 'le not leaue yet . Come , the other are considerations , when wee come to haue gray heads , and weake hammes , moist eyes , and shrunke members . we thinke shee sleepes : nor , when the doores are shut , should men be inquiring , all is sacred within , then . Is it for vs to see their Perrukes put on , their false Teeth , their Complexion , their Eye-browes , their Nailes ? you see guilders will not worke , but inclos'd . They must not discouer , how little serue , with the helpe of arte , to adorne a great deale . How long did the Canuas hang afore Ald-gate ? were the people suffer'd to see the Cities Loue , and Charitie , while they were rude stone , before they were painted , and burnish'd ? No . No more should Seruants approch their Mistresses , but when they are compleat , and finish'd .

Cle.

Well said , my True-wit .

Tru.

And a wise Ladie will keepe a guard alwayes vpon the place , that she may doe things securely . I once followed a rude fellow into a Chamber , where the poore Madame , for haste , and troubled , snatch'd at her Perruke , to couer her baldnesse : and put it on , the wrong way .

Cle.

O prodigie !

Tru.

And the vn-conscionable Knaue held her in Complement an houre , with that reuerst face , when I still look'd when she should talke from the t'other side .

Cle.

Why , thou should'st ha' releeu'd her .

Tru.

No faith , I let her alone , as wee 'll let this argument , if you please , and passe to another , When saw you Dauphine , Eugenie ?

Cle.

Not these three dayes . Shall we goe to him this morning ? he is very melancholique , I heare .

Tru

Sicke o' the Vncle ? is hee ? I met that stiffe peece of Formalitie , his Vncle , yesterday , with a huge Turbant of Night-Caps on his head , buckled ouer his eares .

Cle.

O , that 's his custome when he walkes abroad . Hee can endure no noyse , man .

Tru.

So I haue heard . But is the disease so ridiculous in him , as it is made ? they say , hee has beene vpon diuers Treaties with the Fish-wiues , and Orenge-women ; and Articles propounded betweene them : marry , the Chimney-sweepers will not be drawne in .

Cle.

No , nor the Broome-men : They stand out stiffely . Hee cannot endure a Costard-monger , hee swounes if hee heare one .

Tru.

Me thinkes , a Smith should be ominous .

Cle.

Or any Hammer-man . A Brasier is not suffer'd to dwell in the Parish , nor an Armorer . He would haue hang'd a Pewterers 'prentice once vp on a Shroue-tuesdayes Ryot , for being o' that Trade , when the rest were quit .

Tru.

A Trumpet should fright him terribly , or the Hau'boyes ?

Cle.

Out of his senses . The Waights of the Citie haue a Pension of him , not to come neere that Ward . This Youth practis'd on him , one night , like the Bell-man ; and neuer left till hee had brought him downe to the doore , with a Long-Sword : and there left him flourishing with the Ayre .

Boy .

Why , Sir ! hee hath chosen a street to lye in , so narrow at both ends , that it will receiue no Coaches , nor Carts , nor any of these common noyses : and therefore , wee that loue him , deuise to bring him in such as wee may , now and then , for his exercise , to breath him . Hee would grow restie else in his ease . His Vertue would rust without action . I entreated a Beare-ward , one day , to come downe with the Dogges of some foure Parishes that way , and I thanke him , he did ; and cryed his Games vnder Master Morose's windore : till hee was sent crying away , with his head made a most bleding Spectacle to the multitude . And , another time , a Fencer , marching to his Prize , had his Drumme most tragically runne thorow , for taking that street in his way , at my request .

Tru.

A good Wagge . How do's he for the Bells ?

Cle.

O , i' the Queenes time , he was woont to goe out of Towne euery Satterday at ten a clocke , or on Holy-day-eues . But now , by reason of the sicknesse , the perpetuitie of ringing has made him deuise a roome , with double walles , and treble feelings ; the windores close shut , and calle'd : and there he liues by Candle-light . Hee turn'd away a man last weeke , for hauing a paire of new Shooes , that creak'd . And this fellow wayts on him now , in Tennis-court Sockes , or Slippers sol'd with Wooll : and they talke each to other , in a Trunke . See who comes here .

Act I. Scene II. Dauphine , Tru-wit , Clerimont .

HOw now ! what alle you Sirs ? dumbe ?

Tru.

Strooke into stone almost , I am here , with Tales o' thine Vncle ! There was neuer such a Prodigie heard of .

Daup.

I would you would once loose this subiect , my masters , for my sake . They are such as you are , that haue brought me into that predicament , I am , with him .

Tru.

How is that ?

Daup.

Marry , that he will dis-inherit mee , no more . Hee thinkes , I , and my companie are Authours of all the ridiculous Acts , and Moniments are told of him .

Tru.

Slid , I would bee the Authour of more , to vexe him , that purpose deserues it : it giues thee law of plaguing him . I 'll tell thee what I would doe . I would make a false Almanake ; get it printed : and then ha' him drawne out on a Coronation day to the Tower-Wharfe , and kill him with the noyse of the Ordinance . Dis-inherit thee ! hee cannot , man . Art not thou next of bloud , and his Sisters Sonne ?

Daup.

I but hee will thrust mee out of it , hee vowes , and marry .

Tru.

How ! that 's a more portent . Can he endure no noise , and will venter on a Wife ?

Cle.

Yes : why , thou art a stranger , it seemes , to his best tricke , yet . He has imployd a fellow this halfe yeere , all ouer England , to harken him out a dumbe woman ; be she of any forme , or any qualitie , so shee be able to beare children : her silence is Dowrie enough , he sayes .

Tru.

But , I trust to God , he has found none .

Cle.

No , but he has heard of one that 's lodg'd i' the next street to him , who is exceedingly soft-spoken ; thrifty of her speech ; that spends but sixe words a day . And her he 's about now , and shall haue her .

Tru.

Is 't possible ! who is his agent i' the businesse ?

Cle.

Marry , a Barber , one Cut-berd : an honest fellow , one that tels Dauphine all here .

Tru.

Why , you oppresse me with wonder ! A woman , and a Barber , and loue no noyse !

Cle.

Yes faith . The fellow trims him silently , and has not the knacke with his Sheeres , or his fingers : and that continence in a Barber hee thinkes so eminent a vertue , as it has made him chiefe of his counsell .

Tru.

Is the Barber to be seene ? or the Wench ?

Cle.

Yes , that they are .

Tru.

I pray thee , Dauphine , let 's goe thether .

Daup

I haue some businesse now : I cannot i' faith .

Tru.

You shall haue no businesse shall make you neglect this , Sir , wee 'll make her talke , beleeue it ; or if she will not , wee can giue out , at least so much as shall interrupt the Treaty : we will breake it . Thou art bound in conscience , when he suspects thee without cause to torment him .

Daup.

Not I , by any meanes . I ll giue no suffrage to 't . Hee shall neuer ha that plea against mee , that I oppos'd the least phant'sie of his . Let it lye vpon my Starres to be guilty , I 'll be innocent .

Tru.

Yes , and be poore , and begge ; doe , innocent : when some Groome of his has got him an Heire , or this Barber , if he himselfe cannot . Innocent ! I pray thee , Ned , where lyes she ? let him be innocent , still .

Cle.

Why , right ouer against the Barbers ; in the house , where Sir Iohn Daw lyes .

Tru.

You doe not meane to confound me !

Cle.

Why ?

Tru.

Do's he , that would marry her , know so much ?

Daup.

Excellent ! He was a fine youth last night , but now he is much finer ! what is his christen-name ? I ha' forgot .

Cle.

Si Amorous La-foole .

Boy .

The Gentleman is here below , that ownes that name .

Cle.

Hart , hee 's come , to inuite mee to Dinner , I hold my life .

Daup.

Like enough : pray thee , let 's ha' him vp .

Cle.

Boy , marshall him .

Boy .

With a Truncheon , Sir ?

Cle.

A way , I beseech you . I 'le make him tell vs his Pedegree , now ; and what meate hee has to Dinner ; and , who are his Guests ; and , the whole course of his fortunes : with a breath .

Act I. Scene IIII . La-Foole Clerimont , Dauphine .

S'Aue , deare Sir Dauphine , honor'd Master Clerimont .

Cle.

Sir Amorous ! you haue very much honested my Lodging , with your presence .

La-f.

Good faith it is a fine Lodging ! almost , as delicate a Lodging , as mine .

Cle.

Not so , Sir .

La-f.

Excuse me , Sir , if it were i' the Strand , I assure you . I am come , Master Clermont , to entreat you wait vpon two or three Ladies , to dinner , to day .

Cle.

How , Sir ! wait vpon 'hem ? did you euer see me carrie Dishes ?

La-f.

No , Sir , dispence with mee ; I meant , to beare 'hem company .

Cle.

O , that I will , Sir . The doubtfulnesse o' your phrase , beleeue it , Sir , would breed you a quarrell , once an houre , with the terrible Boyes , if you should but keepe 'hem fellowship a day .

La-f.

It should be extremely against my will , Sir , if I contested with any man .

Cle.

I beleeue it , Sir ; where hold you your Feast ?

La-f.

At Tom Otters , Sir .

Daup.

Tom Otter ? what 's he ?

La-f.

Captaine Otter , Sir ; he is a kind of Gamester : but he has had command , both by Sea , and by Land .

Daup.

O , then he is animal amphibium ?

La-f.

I , Sir : his Wife was the rich China-woman , that the Courtiers visited so often , that gaue the rare entertaynment . She commands all at home .

Cle.

Then , she is Captaine Otter ?

La-f.

You say very well , Sir : she is my Kins-woman , a La-Foole by the Mother side , and will inuite , any great Ladies , for my sake .

Daup.

Not of the La-Fooles of Essex ?

La-f.

No , Sir , the La-Fooles of London .

Cle.

Now , h 'is in .

La-f.

They all come out of our House , the La-fooles o' the North , the La-fooles o' the West , the La-Fooles of the East , and South — wee are as ancient a Family , as any is in Europe — but I my selfe am descended lineally of the French La-Fooles — and , wee doe beare for our Coat Yellow , or Or , checker'd Azure , and Gules , and some three or foure Colours more , which is a very noted Coate , and has , sometimes beene solemnely worne by diuers Nobilitie of our House — but let that goe , Antiquity is not respected now — I had a brace of fat Does sent mee Gentlemen , and halfe a dosen of Phesants , a dosen or two of God wits , and some other Fowle , which I would haue eaten , while they are good , and in good company — there will bee a grat Lady , or two , my Lady Haughty , my Lady Centaure , Mistris Dol Mauis — and they come a'purpose , to see the silent Gentlewoman , Mistris Epicoene , that honest Sir Iohn Daw has promis'd to bring thether — and then , Mistris Trusty , my Ladies Woman , will be there too , and this Honourable Knight , Sir Dauphine , with your selfe , Master Clerimont — and wee 'll be very merry , and haue Fidlers , and daunce — I haue beene a madde Wag , in my time , and haue spent some Crownes since I was a Page in Court , to my Lord Lofty , and after , my Ladies Gentleman-vsher , who got me knighted in Ireland , since it pleas'd my elder Brother to dye — I had as faire a gold Ierkin on that day , as any was worne in the Iland-Voyage , or at Caliz , none disprays'd , and I came ouer in it hither , show'd my selfe to my friends , in Court , and after went downe to my Tenants , in the Countrey , and suruai'd my Lands , let new Leases , tooke their Money , spent it in the eye o' the Land here , vpon Ladies — and now I can take vp at my pleasure .

Daup.

Can you take vp Ladies , Sir ?

Cle.

O , let him breathe , he has not recouer'd .

Daup.

Would I were your halfe , in that commoditie —

La-f.

No , Sir , excuse mee : I meant Money , which can take vp any thing . I haue another Guest , or two , to inuite , and say as much to , Gentlemen . I 'll take my leaue abruptly , in hope you will not faile — Your Seruant .

Daup.

Wee will not faile you , Sir precious La-Foole ; but she shall , that your Ladies come to see : if I haue credit , afore Sir Daw .

Cle.

Did you euer heare such a wind-sucker , as this ?

Daup.

Or , such a Rooke , as the other ! that will betray his Mistris , to be seene . Come , 't is time , we preuented it .

Cle.

Goe .

Act II.

Scene I. Morose , Mute .

CAnnot I , yet , finde out a more compendious method , then by this Trunke , to saue my Seruants the labour of speech , and mine eares , the discord of sounds ? Let me see : all Discourses , but mine owne , afflict mee , they seeme harsh , impertinent , and irkesome . Is it not possible , that thou should'st answere me , by Signes , and , I apprehend thee , fellow ? speake not , though I question you . You haue taken the Ring , off from the street doore , as I bad you ? answere mee not , by speech , but by silence ; vnlesse , At the breaches , still the fellow makes legs , or signes it be otherwise ( — ) very good . And , you haue fastened on a thick quilt , or flock-bed , on the out-side of the doore ; that if they knocke with their Daggers , or with Brick-bats , they can make no noyse ? but with your legge , your answere , vnlesse it bee otherwise ( — ) very good . This is not , onely , fit modestie in a Seruant , but good state , and discretion in a Master . And you haue beene with Cutberd , the Barber , to haue him come to mee ? ( — ) good . And , hee will come presently ? answere mee not but with your legge , vnlesse it bee otherwise : if it bee otherwise , shake your head , or shrugge ( — ) so . Your Italian , and Spaniard , are wise in these ! and it is a frugall , and comely grauitie . How long will it bee , ere Cutberd come ? stay , if an houre , hold vp your whole hand ; if halfe an houre , two fingers ; if a quarter , one ; ( — ) good : halfe a quarter ? 't is well . And haue you giuen him a Key , to come in without knocking ? ( — ) good . And , is the Lock oyld , and the Hinges , to day ? ( — ) good . And the Quilting of the stayres no where worne out , and bare ( — ) very good . I see , by much doctrine , and impulsion , it may be effected : stand by . The Turke , in this diuine discipline , is admirable , exceeding all the Potentates of the Earth ; still waited on by Mutes ; and all his Commands so executed ; yea , euen in the Warre ( as I haue heard ) and in his Marches , most of his Charges , and directions , giuen by Signes , and with silence : and exquisite art ! and I am heartily asham'd , and angry oftentimes , that the Princes of Christendome , should suffer a Barbarian , to transcend 'hem in so high a point of felicitie . I will practize it , hereafter . How now ? oh ! oh ! what Villaine ? what Prodigie of Mankinde is that ? looke . Oh! One winds a Horne without . Againe . cut his throat , cut his throat : what Murderer , Hell-hound , Deuill can this be ?

Mut.

It is a Post from the Court —

Mor.

Out Rogue , and must thou blow thy Horne , too ?

Mut.

Alas , it is a Post from the Court , Sir , that sayes , hee must speake with you , paine of death —

Mor.

Paine of thy life , be silent .

Act II. Scene II. True-wit , Morose , Cutherd .

BY your leaue , Sir ( I am a stranger here ) is your name , Master Morose ? is your name , Master Morose ? Fishes ! Pythagoreans all ! this is strange ! What say you , Sir , nothing ? Has Harpocrates been here , with his Club , among you ? well Sir , I will beleeue you to be the man , at this time : I will venter vpon you , Sir . Your friends at Court commend 'hem to you , Sir —

( Mor. O men ! O manners ! was there euer such an impudence ? ) Tru.

And are extremely sollicitous for you , Sir .

Mor.

Whose Knaue are you !

Tru.

Mine owne Knaue , and your Compere , Sir .

Mor.

Fetch me my Sword —

Tru.

You shall taste the one halfe of my Dagger , if you do ( Groome ) and you , the other , if you stirre , Sir : be patient , I charge you , in the Kings Name , and heare me without insurrection . They say , you are to marrie ? to marry ! doe you marke , Sir ?

Mor.

How then , rude companion !

Tru.

Marry , your friends doe wonder , Sir , the Thames being so neere , wherein you may drowne so handsomely ; or London-bridge , at a low fall , with a fine leape , to hurry you downe the streame ; or , such a delicate Steeple , i' the Towne , as Bow , to vault from ; or , a brauer height , as Pauls , or , if you affected to doe it neerer home , and a shorter way , an excellent Garret Windore , into the street ; or , a Beame , in the said Garret , with this Halter ; which they haue sent , and desire , Hee shewes him a halter that you would sooner commit your graue head to this knot , then to the Wed-locke nooze ; or , take a little Sublimate , and goe out of the World , like a Rat ; or a Flye ( as one said ) with a Straw i' your Arse : any way , rather , then to follow this Goblin Matrimonie . Alas , Sir , doe you euer thinke to find a chaste Wife , in these times ? now ? when there are so many Masques , Playes , Puritane Preachings , Mad-folkes , and other strange fights to be seene daily , priuate and publique ? if you had liu'd in King Etheldred's time , Sir , or Edward the Confessors , you might , perhaps haue found in some cold Countrey-Hamlet , then , a dull frostrie Wench , would haue beene contented with one man : now , they will as soone be pleas'd with one legge , or one eye . I 'll tell you , Sir , the monstrous hazards you shall runne with a Wife .

Mor.

Good Sir ! haue I euer cosen'd any friends of yours of their Land ? bought their Possessions ? taken forfeit of their Morgage ? begg'd a Reuersion from 'hem ? bastarded their Issue ? what haue I done , that may deserue this ?

Tru.

Nothing , Sir , that I know , but your itch of Marriage .

Mor.

Why ? if I had made an Assassinate vpon your Father ; vitiated your Mother ; rauished your Sisters —

Tru.

I would kill you , Sir , I would kill you , if you had .

Mor.

Why ? you doe more in this , Sir : It were a vengeance centuple , for all facinorous Acts , that could be nam'd , to doe that you doe —

Tru.

Alas , Sir , I am but a Messenger : I but tell you , what you must heare . It seemes , your friends are carefull after your soules health , Sir , and would haue you know the danger ( but you may doe your pleasure , for all them , I perswade not , Sir ) If , after you are marryed , your Wife doe run away with a Vaulter , or the Frenchman that walkes vpon Ropes , or him that daunces the Ijg , or a Fencer for his skill at his Weapon , why it is not their fault ; they haue discharged their consciences : when you know what may happen . Nay , suffer valiantly , Sir , for I must tell you , all the perils that you are obnoxious too . If shee be faire , and young , vegetous , no Sweet-meates euer drew more Flyes ; all the Yellow Doublets , and great Roses i' the Towne will bee there . If foule , and crooked , shee 'll bee with them , and buy those Doublets and Roses , Sir . If rich , and that you marry her Dowry , not her ; shee 'll raigne in your House , as imperious as a Widow . If Noble , all her Kindred will be your Tyrannes . If fruitfull , as proud as May , and humorous as April ; she must haue her Doctors , her Mid-wiues , her Nurses , her longings euerie houre : though it be for the dearest morsell of man . If learned , there was neuer such a Parrat ; all your Patrimonie will be too little for the Guests , that must be inuited , to heare her speake Latine and Greeke : and you must lye with her in those Languages too , if you will please her . If precise , you must feast all the silenc'd Brethren , once in three dayes ; salute the Sisters ; entertayne the whole Family , or Wood of 'hem ; and heare long-winded Exercises , Singings , and Catechisings , which you are not giuen to , and yet must giue for : to please the zealous Matron your Wife , who , for the holy cause , will cosen you , ouer and aboue . You begin to sweat , Sir ? but this is not halfe , i'faith : you may doe your pleasure notwithstanding , The Mute is stealing away . as I said before , I come not to perswade you . Vpon my faith , Master Seruingman , if you doe stirre , I will beate you .

Mor.

O , what is my sinne ! what is my sinne ?

Tru.

Then , if you loue your Wife , or rather , dote on her , Sir : O , how shee 'll torture you ! and take pleasure i' your torments ! you shall lye with her but when shee lists ; shee will not hurt her beauty , her complexion : or it must bee for that Iewell , or that Pearle , when shee do's ; euery halfe houres pleasure must be bought anew : and with the same paine , and charge , you woo'd her at first . Then , you must keepe what Seruants she please ; what company shee will ; that friend must not visit you without her licence ; and him shee loues most shee will seeme to hate eagerliest , to decline your iealousie ; or , faigne to bee iealous of you first ; and for that cause goe liue with her she-friend , or Cosen at the Colledge , that can instruct her in all the Mysteries , of writing Letters , corrupting Seruants , taming Spyes ; where shee must haue that rich Gowne for such a great day ; a new one for the next ; a richer for the third ; be seru'd in siluer ; haue the Chamber fill'd with a succession of Groomes , Foot-men , Vshers , and other Messengers ; besides Embroyderers , Iewellers , Tyre-women , Sempsters , Fether-men , Perfumers ; while she feeles not how the Land drops away ; nor the Acres melt ; nor foresees the change , when the Mercer has your Woods for her Veluets ; neuer weighes what her Pride costs , Sir : so she may kisse a Page , or a smooth chinne , that has the despayre of a Beard ; be a States-woman , know all the Newes , what was done at Salisbury , what at the Bath , what at Court , what in Progresse ; or , so shee may censure Poets , and Authors , and stiles , and compare 'hem , Daniel with Spenser , Iohnson with the tother youth , and so foorth ; or , be thought cunning in Controuersies , or the very knots of Diuinitie ; and haue , often in her mouth , the state of the question : and then skip to the Mathematiques , and demonstration and answere , in Religion to one ; in state , to another , in baud'ry to a third .

Mor.

O , ô !

Tru.

All this is very true , Sir . And then her going in disguise to that Coniurer , and this cunning woman : where the first question is , how soone you shall die ? next , if her present Seruant loue her ? next that , if she shall haue a new Seruant ? and how many ? which of her Family would make the best Baud , Male , or Female ? what precedence she shall haue by her next match ? and sets downe the answeres , and beleeues 'hem aboue the Scriptures . Nay , perhaps shee 'll study the Art .

Mor.

Gentle Sir , ha' you done ? ha' you had your pleasure o' me ? I 'll thinke of these things .

Tru.

Yes Sir : and then comes reeking home of vapor and sweat , with going afoot , and lyes in , a moneth , of a new face , all Oyle , and Bird-lime ; and rises in Asses Milke , & is clens'd with a new fucus : God b'w'you , Sir . One thing more ( which I had almost forgot . ) This too , with whom you are to marry , may haue made a conuayance of her Virginitie afore-hand , as your wise Widdowes doe of their states , before they marry , in trust to some friend , Sir : who can tell ? or if she haue not done it yet , she may doe , vpon the Wedding day , or the night before , and antidate you Cuckold . The like has bin heard of , in nature . 'T is no deuis'd impossible thing , Sir . God b'w'you : I 'll be bold to leaue this Rope with you , Sir , for a remembrance . Farewell Mute .

Mor.

The Horne againe Come , ha' mee to my Chamber : but first shut the doore . O , shut the doore , shut the doore : Is he come again ?

Cut.

'T is I , Sir , your Barber .

Mor.

O Cutberd , Cutberd , Cutberd ! here has beene a cut-throate with me : helpe me in to my bed , and giue me Physick with thy counsell .

Act II. Scene III . Daw , Clerimont , Dauphine , Epicoene .

NAy , and she will , let her refuse , at her owne charges : 't is nothing to me , Gentlemen . But she will not be inuited to the like Feasts , or Guests , euery day .

Cle.

They disswade her , priuately . O , by no meanes , shee may not refuse — to stay at home , if you loue your reputation : 'Slight , you are inuited thither o' purpose to bee seene , and laught at by the Lady of the Colledge , and her shadowes . This Trumpeter hath proclym'd you .

Daup.

You shall not goe ; let him bee laught at in your stead , for not bringing you : and put him to his extemporall facultie of fooling , and talking loud to satisfie the company .

Cle.

He will suspect vs , talke aloud . 'Pray , Mistris Epicoene , let 's see your Verses ; wee haue Sir Iohn Daw's leaue : doe not conceale your Seruants merit , and your owne glories .

Epi.

They 'll prooue my Seruants glories , if you haue his leaue so soone .

Daup.

His vaine glories , Ladie !

Daw .

Shew 'hem , shew 'hem , Mistris , I dare owne 'hem .

Epi.

Iudge you , what glories ?

Daw .

Nay , I 'll reade 'hem my selfe , too : an Author must recite his owne Worke . It is a Madrigall of Modestie .

Modest , and faire , for faire and good are neere Neighbours , how ere . — Daup.

Very good .

Cle.

I , Is 't not ?

Daw . No noble vertue euer was alone , But two in one . Daup.

Excellent !

Cle.

That againe , I pray' Sir Iohn .

Daup.

It has some thing in 't like rare wit , and sense .

Cle.

Peace .

Daw . No noble vertue euer was alone , But two in one . Then , when I prayse sweet Modestie , I prayse Bright Beauties rayes : And hauing prays'd both Beauty and Modestee , I haue prays'd thee . Daup.

Admirable !

Cle.

How it chimes , and cryes tinke i' the close , diuinely !

Daup.

I , 't is Seneca .

Cle.

No , I thinke 't is Plutarch .

Daw .

The dor on Plutarch , and Seneca , I hate it : they are mine owne imaginations , by that light . I wonder those fellowes haue such credit with Gentlemen !

Cle.

They are very graue Authors .

Daw .

Graue Asses ! meere Essaists ! a few loose Sentences , and that 's all . A man would talke so , his whole age , I doe vtter as good things euery houre , if they were collected , and obseru'd , as either of 'hem .

Daup.

Indeed ! Sir Iohn ?

Cle.

Hee must needes , liuing among the Wits , and Braueries too .

Daup.

I , and being President of 'hem , as he is .

Daw .

There 's Aristotle , a mere common place-fellow ; Plato , a Discourser ; Thucidides , and Liuic , tedious and drie ; Tacitus , an entyre knot : sometimes worth the vntying , very seldome .

Cle.

What doe you thinke of the Poets , Sir Iohn ?

Daw .

Not worthy to be nam'd for Authors . Homer , an old tedious prolixe Asse , talkes of Curriers , and Chines of Beefe . Virgil , of dunging of Land , and Bees . Horace , of I know not what .

Cle.

I thinke so .

Daw .

And so Pindarus , Lycophron , Anacreon , Catullus , Seneca the Tragoedian , Lucan , Propertius , Tibullus , Martiall , Iuuenal , Ausonius , Statius , Politian , Valerius Flaccus , and the rest —

Cle.

What a sacke-full of their names he has got !

Daup.

And how he powres 'hem out ! Politian , with Valerius Flaccus !

Cle.

Was not the Character right , of him ?

Daup.

As could be made , i'faith .

Daw .

And Persius , a crabbed Cockescombe , not to bee endur'd .

Daup.

Why ? whom doe you account for Authors , Sir Iohn Daw ?

Daw .

Syntagma Iuris Ciuilis , Corpus Iuris Ciuilis , Corpus Iuris Canonici , the King of Spaines Bible .

Daup.

Is the King of Spaines Bible an Author ?

Cle.

Yes , and Syntagma .

Daup.

What was that Syntagma , Sir ?

Daw .

A Ciuill Lawier , a Spaniard .

Daup.

Sure , Corpus was a Dutch-man .

Cle.

I , both the Corpusses , I knew 'hem : they were verie corpulent Authors .

Daw .

And , then there 's Vatablus , Pomponatius , Symancha , the other are not to bee receiu'd , within the thought of a Scholler .

Daup.

Fore God , you haue a simple learn'd Seruant , Ladie , in Titles .

Cle.

I wonder that hee is not called to the Helme , and made a Councellor !

Daup.

He is one extraordinary .

Cle.

Nay , but in Ordinarie ! to say truth , the State wants such .

Daup.

Why , that will follow .

Cle.

I muse , a Mistris can bee so silent to the dotes of such a Seruant .

Daw .

'T is her Vertue , Sir . I haue written somewhat of her silence too .

Daup.

In Verse , Sir Iohn ?

Cle.

What else ?

Daup.

Why ? how can you iustifie your owne being of a Poet , that so slight all the old Poets ?

Daw .

Why ? euery man , that writes in Verse , is not a Poet ; you haue of the Wits , that write Verses , and yet are no Poets : they are Poets that liue by it , the poore fellowes that liue by it .

Daup.

Why ? would not you liue by your Verses , Sir Iohn ?

Cle.

No , 't were pittie he should . A Knight liue by his Verses ? he did not make 'hem to that end , I hope .

Daup.

And yet the noble Sidney liues by his , and the Noble Family not asham'd .

Cle.

I , he profest himselfe ; but Sir Iohn Daw has more caution : hee 'll not hinder his owne rising i' the state so much ! doe you thinke he will ? Your Verses , good Sir Iohn , and no Poems .

Daw . Silence in woman , is like speech in man , Deny 't who can . Daup.

Not I , beleeue it : your reason , Sir .

Daup. Nor i' st a Tale , That Female Vice should be a Vertue Male , Or Masculine Vice , a Female Vertue be : You shall it see Prou'd with increase , I know to speake , and she to hold her peace .

Doe you conceiue me Gentlemen ?

Daup.

No faith , how meane you with increase , Sir Iohn ?

Daw .

Why , with increase is , when I court her for the common cause of Mankind ; and she sayes nothing , but consentire videtur : and in time is grauida .

Daup.

Then , this is a Ballad of Procreation ?

Cle.

A Madrigall of Procreation , you mistake .

Epi.

'Pray giue me my Verses againe , Seruant .

Daw .

If you you 'll aske 'hem aloud , you shall .

Cle.

See , here 's Tru-wit againe !

Act II. Scene IIII . Clerimont , Tru-wit , Dauphine , Cutherd , Daw , Epicoene .

WHere hast thou beene , in the name of madnesse ! thus accoutred with thy Horne ?

Tru.

Where the sound of it might haue pierc'd your senses , with gladnesse , had you beene in eare-reach of it . Dauphine , fall downe and worship me : I haue forbid the Banes , Lad . I haue beene with thy vertuous Vncle , and haue broke the match .

Daup.

You ha'not , I hope .

Tru.

Yes faith ; and thou shouldst hope otherwise , I should repent me : this Horne got mee entrance , kisse it . I had no other way to get in , but by fayning to be a Post ; but when I got in once , I prou'd none , but rather the contrary , turn'd him into a Post , or a Stone , or what is stiffer , with thundring into him the incommodities of a Wife , and the miseries of Marriage . If euer Gorgon were seene in the shape of a woman , he hath seene her in my description . I haue put him off o' that sent , for euer . Why doe you not applaud , and adore me , Sirs ? why stand you mute ? Are you stupid ? you are not worthy o' the benefit .

Daup.

Did not I tell you ? mischiefe ! —

Cle.

I would you had plac'd this benefit somewhere else .

Tru.

Why so ?

Cle.

Slight you haue done the most inconsiderate , rash , weake thing , that euer man did to his friend .

Daup.

Friend ! if the most malicious enemy I haue , had studied to inflict an iniury vpon mee , it could not bee a greater .

Tru.

Wherein ? for gods sake ! Gent , come to your selues againe .

Daup.

But I presag'd thus much afore , to you .

Cle.

Would my lips had beene soldred , when I spake on 't . Slight , what mou'd you to be thus impertinent ?

Tru.

My Masters , doe not put on this strange face to pay my courtesie : off with this Visor . Haue good turnes done you and thanke 'hem this way ?

Daup.

Fore Heau'n , you haue vndone me . That , which I haue plotted for , and beene maturing now these foure Moneths , you haue blasted in a minute : now I am lost , I may speake . This Gentlewoman was lodg'd here by mee o' purpose , and , to be put vpon my Vncle , hath profest this obstinate silence for my sake , being my entyre friend ; and one , that for the requitall of such a fortune , as to marry him , would haue made me very ample conditions : where now , all my hopes are vtterly miscarryed by this vnlucky accident .

Cle.

Thus 't is , when a man will be ignorantly officious ; doe seruices , and not know his why : I wonder what curteous itch possess'd you ! you neuer did absurder part i' your life , nor a greater trespasse to friendship , to humanitie .

Daup.

Faith , you may forgiue it , best : 't was your cause principally .

Cle.

I know it , would it had not .

Daup.

How now , Cutberd ? what newes ?

Cut.

The best , the happiest that euer was , Sir . There has beene a mad Gentleman with your Vncle , this morning , ( I thinke this be the Gentleman ) that has almost talk'd him out of his wits , with threatning him from Marriage —

Daup.

On , I pray thee .

Cut.

And your Vncle , Sir , he thinkes 't was done by your procurement ; therefore he will see the partie , you wot of , presently : and if hee like her , hee sayes , and that shee be so inclining to dombe , as I haue told him , he sweares , hee will marry her , to day , instantly , and not deferre it a minute longer .

Daup.

Excellent ! beyond our expectation !

Tru.

Beyond your expectation ? by this light , I knew , it would be thus .

Daup.

Nay , sweet Tru-wit , forgiue me .

Tru.

No , I was ignorantly officious , impertinent : this was the absurd , weake part .

Cle.

Wilt thou ascribe that to merit , now , was meere fortune ?

Tru.

Fortune ? meere Prouidence . Fortune had not a finger in 't . I saw it must necessarily in nature fall out so : my genius is neuer false to me in these things . Shew mee , how it could be otherwise .

Daup.

Nay , Gentlemen , contend not , t is well now .

Tru.

Alasse , I let him goe on with inconsiderate , and rash , and what he pleas'd .

Cle.

Away thou strange iustifier of thy selfe , to bee wiser then thou wert , by the euent .

Tru.

Euent ! By this light , thou shalt neuer perswade me , but I fore-saw it , aswell as the Starres themselues .

Daup.

Nay , Gentlemen , 't is well now doe you two entertaine Sir Iohn Daw , with discourse , while I send her away with instructions .

Tru.

I 'll be acquainted with her , first , by your favour .

Cle.

Master Tru-wit , Lady , a friend of ours .

Tru.

I am sorry , I haue not knowne you sooner , Lady , to celebrate this rare vertue of your silence .

Cle.

Faith , an' you had come sooner , you should ha' seene , and heard her well celebrated in Sir Iohn Daw's Madrigalls .

Tru.

Iacke Daw , God saue you , when saw you La-Foole ?

Daw .

Not since last night , Master Tru-wit .

Tru.

That 's Miracle ! I thought you two had beene inseparable .

Daw .

He 's gone to inuite his Guests .

Tru.

Gods so ! tls true ! what a false memory haue I towards that man ! I am one : I met him e'ne now , vpon that he calls his delicate fine blacke Horse , rid into a foame , with posting from place to place , and person to person , to giue hem the cue —

Cle.

Lest they should forget ?

Tru.

Yes : there was neuer poore Captaine tooke more paines at a Muster to show men , then hee , at this meale , to shew friends .

Daw .

It is his Quarter-feast , Sir .

Cle.

What! doe you say so , Sir Iohn ?

Tru.

Nay , Iacke Daw will not be out , at the best friends he has , to the Talent of his wit : where 's his Mistris , to heare and applaud him ? is she gone !

Daw .

Is Mistris Epicoene gone ?

Cle.

Gone afore , with Sir Dauphine , I warrant to the place .

Tru.

Gone afore ! that were a manifest iniurie ; a disgrace and a halfe : to refuse him at such a Festiuall time , as this , being a Brauery , and a Wit too .

Cle.

Tut , hee 'll swallow it like Creame : hee 's better read in Iure Ciuili , then to esteeme any thing a disgrace is offer'd him from a Mistris .

Daw .

Nay , let her eene goe ; shee shall sit alone , and bee dumbe in her Chamber , a Weeke together , for Iohn Daw , I warrant her : do's she refuse me ?

Cle.

No , Sir , doe not take it so to heart : shee do's not refuse you , but a little neglect you . Good faith , Tru-wit , you were too blame to put it into his head , that shee do's refuse him .

Tru.

Shee do's refuse him , Sir , palpably : how euer you mince it . An' I were as he , I would sweare to speake ne're a word to her , to day , for 't .

Daw .

By this light , no more I will not .

Tru.

Nor to any body else , Sir .

Daw .

Nay , I will not say so , Gentlemen .

Cle.

It had beene an excellent happy condition for the company , if you could haue drawne him to it .

Daw .

I 'll be very melancholique , i'faith .

Cle.

As a Dogge , if I were as you , Sir Iohn .

Tru.

Or a Snaile , or a Hog-louse : I would roule my selfe vp for this day , introth , they should not vnwind mee .

Daw .

By this Pick-tooth , so I will .

Cle.

'T is well done : hee beginnes already to bee angry with his teeth .

Daw .

Will you goe , Gentlemen ?

Cle.

Nay , you must walke alone , if you bee right melancholique , Sir Iohn .

Tru.

Yes Sir , wee 'll dogge you , wee 'll follow you a farre off .

Cle.

Was there euer such a two yards of Knight-hood , measur'd out by Time , to be sold to laughter ?

Tru.

A meere talking Mole ! no Mushrome was euer so fresh . A fellow so vtterly nothing , as he knowes not what he would be .

Cle.

Let 's follow him : but first , let 's goe to Dauphine , hee 's houering about the House , to heare what newes .

Tru.

Content .

Act II. Scene V. Morose , Epicoene , Cutberd , Mute .

WElcome Cutberd ; draw neer with your faire charge : and , in her eare , softly intreat her to vnmasque ( — ) So . Is the doore shut ? ( — ) inough . Now , Cutberd , with the same discipline I vse to my Family , I will question you . As I conceiue , Cutberd , this Gentlewoman is shee , you haue prouided , and brought , in hope shee will fit mee in the place and person of a Wise ? Answere mee not , but with your legge , vnlesse it bee otherwise : ( — ) very well done , Cutberd . I conceiue , besides , Cutberd , you haue beene pre-acquainted with her birth , education , and qualities , or else you would not preferre her to my acceptance , in the waighty consequence of Marriage . ( — ) this I conceiue , Cutberd . Answer me not but with your legge , vnlesse it be otherwise . ( — ) Very well done Cutberd . Giue aside now a little , He goes about her , and viewes her . and leaue me to examine her condition , and aptitude to my affection . Shee is exceeding faire , and of a speciall good fauour ; a sweete composition , or harmony of limmes : her temper of beauty has the true height of my bloud . The Knaue hath exceedingly well fitted me without : I will now try her within . Come neere , faire Gentlewoman : let not my behauiour seeme rude , though vnto you , being rare , it may happily appeare strange . ( — ) Nay , Lady , She curtsies . you may speake , though Cutberd , and my man , might not : for , of all sounds , onely , the sweet voyce of a faire Lady has the just length of mine eare . I beseech you , say Lady , out of the first fire of meeting eyes , ( they say ) loue is stricken ; doe you feele any such motion , sodenly shot into you , from any part you see in me ? ha , Lady ? ( — ) Alasse , Lady , these answers by silent curt'sies , from you , are too courtlesse , and simple . Curt'sie . I haue euer had my breeding in Court : and shee that shall be my Wife , must be accomplished with Courtly , and audacious ornaments . Can you speake , Lady ?

Epi.

Iudge you , forsooth . She speakes softly .

Mor.

What say you , Lady ? speake out , I beseech you .

Epi.

Iudge you , forsooth .

Mor.

O' my iudgement , a diuine softnesse ! but can you naturally , Lady , as I enioyne these by doctrine and industry , referre your selfe to the search of my iudgement , and ( not taking pleasure in your tongue , which is a womans chiefest pleasure ) thinke it plausible , to answere mee by silent gestures , so long as my speeches iumpe right , with what you conceiue ? Curt'sie . ( — ) Excellent ! Diuine ! if it were possible , shee should hold out thus ! Peace , Cutherd , thou art made for euer , as thou hast made mee , if this felicity haue lasting : but I will try her further . Deare Lady , I am Courtly , I tell you , and I must haue mine eares banqueted with pleasant , and witty Conferences , pretty Girds , Scoffes , and Dalliance in her , that I meane to choose for my Bed-pheere . The Ladies in Court , thinke it a most desperate impayre to their quicknesse of wit , and good carriage , if they cannot giue occasion for a man to court 'hem ; and , when an amorous Discourse is set on foot , minister as good matter to continue it , as himselfe : and doe you alone so much differ from all them , that , what they ( with so much circumstance ) affect , and toyle for , to seeme learn'd , to seeme iudicious , to seeme sharpe , and conceited , you can bury in your selfe , with silence ? and rather trust your graces to the faire conscience of Vertue , then to the Worlds , or your owne Proclamation ?

Epi.

I should be sorrie else .

Mor.

What say you , Lady ? good Lady , speake out .

Epi.

I should be sorrie , else

Mor.

That sorrow doth fill me with gladnesse ! O Morose ! thou art happie aboue Mankind ! pray that thou mayest contayne thy selfe . I will onely put her to it once more , and it shall be with the vtmost touch , and test of their Sex . But heare me , faire Lady , I doe also loue to see her , whom I shall choose for my Heicfar , to be the first and principall in all Fashions ; praecede all the Dames at Court , by a fortnight ; haue her Counsell of Taylors , Linneners , Lace-women , Embroyderers , and sit with 'hem sometimes twise a day , vpon French Intelligences ; and then come foorth , varyed like Nature , or oftner then shee , and better , by the helpe of Art , her aemulous Seruant . This doe I affect . And how will you bee able , Lady , with this frugalitie of speech , to giue the manifold ( but necessarie ) instructions , for that Bodies , these Sleeues , those Skirts , this Cut , that Stitch , this Embroydery , that Lace , this Wire , those Knots , that Ruffe , those Roses , this Girdle , that Fanne , the tother Skarfe , these Gloues ? ha ! what say you , Ladie .

Epi.

I 'll leaue it to you , Sir .

Mor.

How , Lady ? pray you , rise a note .

Epi.

I leaue it to Wisdome , and you , Sir .

Mor.

Admirable Creature ! I will trouble you no more : I will not sinne against so sweet a simplicity . Let me now be bold to print , on those diuine lips , the seale of being mine . Cutberd , I giue thee the Lease of thy House free : thanke me not , but with thy legge ( — ) I know what thou wouldst say , she 's poore , and her friends deceased ; she has brought a wealthy dowrie in her silence , Cutberd : and in respect of her pouertie , Cutberd , I shall haue her more louing , and obedient , Cutberd . Goe thy wayes , and get me a Minister presently , with a soft , low voyce to marry vs , and pray him he will not be impertinent , but briefe as he can ; away : softly , Cutberd . Sirrah , conduct your Mistris into the dining Roome , your now-Mistris . O my felicity ! how I shall bee reueng'd on mine insolent Kinsman , and his plots to fright mee from marrying ! This night I will get an Heire , and thrust him out of my bloud like a Stranger ; hee would bee knighted , forsooth , and thought by that meanes to raigne ouer mee , his Title must doe it : no Kinsman , I will now make you bring me the tenth Lords , and the sixteenth Ladies Letter , Kinsman ; and it shall doe you no good , Kinsman . Your Knight-hood it selfe shall come on it's knees , and it shall bee reiected ; it shall bee sued for it's fees to execution , and not be redeem'd ; it shall cheat at the twelue-peny Ordinary , it Knight-hood , for it's Dyet all the Terme-time , and tell Tales for it in the Vacation , to the Hostesse : or it Knight-hood shall doe worse ; take Sanctuary in Cole-harbor , and fast . It shall fright all it friends , with borrowing Letters , and when one of the foure-score hath brought it Knight-hood tenne shillings , it Knight-hood shall go to the Cranes , or the Beare at the Bridge-foot , and be drunke in feare : it shall not haue money to discharge one Tauerne reckoning , to inuite the old Creditors , to forbeare it Knight-hood ; or the new , that should bee , to trust it Knight-hood . It shall bee the tenth name in the Bond , to take vp the commodity of Pipkins and stone Iugs ; and the part thereof shall not furnish it Knight-hood forth , for the attempting of a Bakers Widdow , a brown Bakers Widdow . It shall giue it Knight-hoods name , for a stallion , to all gamesome Citizens Wiues , and bee refus'd ; when the Master of a Dauncing Schoole , or ( How doe you call him ) the worst Reueller in the Towne is taken : it shall want Clothes , and by reason of that , wit , to foole to Lawyers . It shall not haue hope to repaire it selfe by Constantinople , Ireland , or Virginia ; but the best , and last fortune to it Knight-hood shall bee , to make Dol Teare-sheet , or Kate-Common , a Lady : and so , it Knight-hood may eate .

Act II. Scene VI. Tru-wit , Dauphine , Clerimont , Cutberd .

ARe you sure he is not gone by ?

Daup.

No , I staid in the shop euer since .

Cle.

But , he may take the other end of the Lane .

Daup.

No , I told him I would be here at this end : I appointed him hether .

Tru.

What a Barbarian it is to stay then !

Daup.

Yonder he comes .

Cle.

And his charge left behinde him , which is a verie good signe , Dauphine .

Daup.

How now Cutberd , succeeds it , or no ?

Cut.

Past imagination , Sir , omnia secunda ; you could not haue pray'd , to haue had it so well : Saltat senex , as it is i' the Prouerbe , hee do's triumph in his felicity ; admires the party ! hee has giuen mee the Lease of my House too ! and , I am now going for a silent Minister to marry 'hem , and away .

Tru.

Slight , get one o' the silenc'd Ministers , a zealous Brother would torment him purely .

Cut.

Cum priuilegio , Sir .

Daup.

O , by no meanes , let 's doe nothing to hinder it now when 't is done and finished , I am for you : for any deuise of vexation .

Cut.

And that shall be within this halfe houre , vpon my dexteritie , Gentlemen . Contriue what you can , in the meane time , bonis auibus .

Cle.

How the Slaue doth Latine it !

Tru.

It would be made a Iest to Posteritie , Sirs , this daies mirth , if ye will .

Cle.

Be shrew his heart that will not , I pronounce .

Daup.

And , for my part . What is 't ?

Tru.

To translate all La-Fooles company , and his Feast hether , to day , to celebrate this Bride-ale .

Daup.

I marry , but how will 't be done ?

Tru.

I 'll vndertake the directing of all the Ladie-Guests thether , and then the meat must follow .

Cle.

For Gods sake , let 's effect it : it will be an excellent Comoedy of affliction , so many seuerall noyses .

Daup.

But are they not at the other place already , thinke you ?

Tru.

I 'll warrant you for the Colledge-honours : one o' their faces has not the priming colour laid on yet , nor the other her Smocke sleek'd .

Cle.

O , but they 'll rise earlier then ordinary , to a Feast .

Tru.

Best goe see , and assure our selues .

Cle.

Who knowes the House ?

Tru.

I 'll lead you , were you neuer there yet ?

Daup.

Not I .

Cle.

Nor I .

Tru.

Where ha' you liu'd then ? not know Tom Otter !

Cle.

No : for Gods sake , what is he ?

Tru.

An excellent Animal , equall with your Daw , or La-Foole , if not transcendent ; and do's Latine it as much as your Barber : he is his Wifes Subiect , hee calls her Princesse , and at such times as these , followes her vp and downe the House like a Page , with his Hat off , partly for heate , partly for reuerence . At this instant , he is marshalling of his Bull , Beare , and Horse .

Daup.

What be those , in the name of Sphinx ?

Tru.

Why Sir ? hee has beene a great man at the Beare-Garden in his time : and from that subtle sport , has tane the witty denomination of his chiefe carousing Cups . One he calls his Bull , another his Beare , another his Horse . And then he has his lesser Glasses , that he calls his Deere , and his Ape ; and seuerall degrees of 'hem too : and neuer is well , nor thinkes any entertaynment perfect , till these be brought out , and set o' the Cupbord .

Cle.

For Gods loue ! wee should misse this , if wee should not goe .

Tru.

Nay , hee has a thousand things as good , that will speake him all day . He will raile on his Wife , with certaine common places , behind her backe ; and to her face —

Daup.

No more of him . Let 's goe see him , I petition you ,

Act III.

Scene I. Otter , Mrs. Otter , Tru-wit , Clerimont , Dauphine .

NAy , good Princesse , heare me pauca verba .

Mrs. Ot.

By that light , I 'll a' you chain'd vp , with your Bul-dogges , and Beare-dogges , if you be not ciuill the sooner . I 'll send you to kennell , i'faith . You were best bait me with your Bull , Beare , and Horse ? Neuer a time , that the Courtiers , or Collegiates come to the House , but you make it a Shrouetuesday ! I would haue you get your Whitsontide-Veluet-Cap , and your staffe i' your hand , to entertaine 'hem : yes in troth , doe .

Ott.

Not so Princesse , neither , but vnder correction , sweet Princesse , gi' me leaue — these things I am knowne to the Courtiers by . It is reported to them for my humour , and they receiue it so , and doe expect it . Tom Otters Bull , Beare , and Horse is knowne all ouer England , in rerum natura .

Mrs. Ot.

Fore me , I will na-ture 'hem ouer to Paris-Garden , and na-ture you thether too , if you pronounce them againe . Is a Beare a fit Beast , or a Bull , to mixe in societie with great Ladies ? thinke i' your discretion , in any good politie .

Ott.

The Horse then , good Princesse .

Mrs. Ot.

Well , I am contented for the Horse : they loue to be well hors'd , I know . I loue it my selfe .

Ott.

And it is a delicate fine Horse . Poetarum Pegasus . Vnder correction , Princesse , Iupiter did turne himselfe into a — Taurus , or Bull , vnder correction , good Princesse .

Mrs. Ot.

By my integritiy , I 'll send you ouer to the Banke-side , I 'll commit you to the Master of the Garden , if I heare but a sillable more . Must my house , or my roofe , bee polluted with the scent of Beares , and Buls , when it is perfum'd for great Ladies ? Is this according to the instrument , when I marryed you ? That I would be Princesse , and raigne in mine owne House : and you would bee my subiect , and obey me ? What did you bring me , should make you thus peremptory ? Doe I allow you your halfe-crowne a day , to spend , where you will , among your Gamesters , to vexe and torment me , at such times as these ? Who giues you your maintenance , I pray you ? who allowes you your Horse-meat , and Mans-meat ? your three Sutes of Apparell a yeere ? your foure paire of Stockings , one Silke , three Worsted ? your cleane Linnen , your Bands , and Cuffes when I can get you to weare 'hem ? 'T is mar'l you ha 'hem on now . Who graces you with Courtiers , or great Personages , to speake to you out of their Coaches , and come home to your House ? Were you euer so much as look'd vpon by a Lord , or a Lady , before I marryed you : but on the Easter , or Whitson-holy-dayes ? and then out at the Banquetting-house windore , when Ned Whiting , or George Stone , were at the stake ?

Tru.

( For Gods sake , let 's goe staue her off him . )

Mrs. Ot.

Answere mee to that . And did not I take you vp from thence , in an olde Greasie Buffe-Doublet , with Points ; and Greene Vellet Sleeues , out at the elbowes ? you forget this .

Tru.

( Shee 'll worry him , if we helpe not in time . )

Mrs. Ot.

O , here are some o' the Gallants ! Goe to , behaue your selfe distinctly , and with good moralitie ; Or , I protest , I 'll take away your exhibition .

Act III. Scene II. Tru-wit , Mrs. Otter , Cap. Otter , Clerimont , Dauphine , Cutberd .

BY your leaue , faire Mistris Otter , I 'll bee bold to enter these Gentlemen in your acquaintance .

Mrs. Ot.

It shall not be obnoxious , or difficill , Sir .

Tru.

How do's my noble Captaine ? Is the Bull , Beare , and Horse , in rerum natura still ?

Ott.

Sir . Sic visum superis .

Mrs. Ott.

I would you would but intimate 'hem , doe . Goe your wayes in , and get Tosts , and Butter , made for the Wood-cocks . That 's a fit Prouince for you .

Cle.

Alas , what a tyrannie , is this poore fellow marryed too .

Tru.

O , but the sport will be anon , when wee get him loose .

Daup.

Dares be euer speake ?

Tru.

No Anabaptist euer rail'd with the like licence : but marke her Language in the meane-time , I beseech you .

Mrs. Ot.

Gentlemen , you are very aptly come . My Cosin , Sir Amorous , will be here briefly .

Tru.

In good time , Lady . Was not Sir Iohn Daw here , to aske for him , and the company ?

Mrs. Ot.

I cannot assure you , Mr. Tru-wit . Here was a very melancholy Knight in a Ruffe , that demanded my subiect for some body , a Gentleman , I thinke .

Cle.

I , that was he , Lady .

Mrs. Ot.

But he departed straight , I can resolue you .

Daup.

What an excellent choice phrase , this Lady expresses in ?

Tru.

O , Sir ! she is the onely authenticall Courtier , that is not naturally bred one , in the Citie .

Mrs. Ot.

You haue taken that report vpon trust , Gentlemen .

Tru.

No , I assure you , the Court gouernes it so , Lady , in your behalfe .

Mrs. Ot.

I am the Seruant of the Court , and Courtiers , Sir .

Tru.

They are rather your Idolaters .

Mrs Ot.

Not so , Sir .

Daup.

How now , Cutberd ? Any crosse ?

and indeed , so ashamed of her iniurie to you , that shee desires you to forgiue her , and but grace her Wedding with your presence to day — She is to be marryed to a very good fortune , shee sayes , his Vncle , old Morose : and shee will'd mee in priuate to tell you , that shee shall be able to doe you more fauours , and with more securitie now , then before .

Daw .

Did she say so , i'faith ?

Cle.

Why , what doe you thinke of mee , Sir Iohn ! aske Sir Dauphine .

Daup.

Nay , I beleeue you . Good Sir Dauphine , did shee desire me to forgiue her ?

Cle.

I assure you , Sir Iohn , she did .

Daw .

Nay then , I doe with all my heart , and I 'll bee iouiall .

Cle.

Yes , for looke you Sir , this was the iniurie to you . La-Foole intended this Feast to honour her Bridale day , and made you the propertie to inuite the Colledge Ladies , and promise to bring her : and then at the time , shee should haue appear'd ( as his friend ) to haue giuen you the dor. Whereas now , Sir Dauphine has brought her to a feeling of it , with this kind of satisfaction , that you shall bring all the Ladies to the place where she is , and be very iouiall ; and there shee will haue a Dinner , which shall be in your name : and so disappoint La-Foole , to make you good againe , and ( as it were ) a sauer i' the man .

Daw .

As I am a Knight , I honour her , and forgiue her heartily .

Cle.

About it then presently , Tru-wit is gone before to confront the Coaches , and to acquaint you with so much , if he meet you . Ioyne with him , and 't is well . See , heere comes your Antagonist , but take you no notice , but be verie iouiall .

La-F.

Are the Ladies come , Sir Iohn Daw , and your Mistris ? Sir Dauphine ! you are exceeding welcome , and honest Master Clerimont . Where 's my Cossen ? did you see no Collegiats , Gentlemen ?

Daup.

Collegiats ! Doe you not heare , Sir Amorous , how you are abus'd ?

La-F.

How Sir !

Cle.

Will you speake so kindly to Sir Iohn Daw , that has done you such an affront ?

La-F.

Wherein Gentlemen ? let mee be a Sutor to you to know , I beseech you !

Cle.

Why Sir , his Mistris is marryed to day , to Sir Dauphines Vncle , your Cosens Neighbour , and hee has diuerted all the Ladies , and all your company thether , to frustrate your prouision , and sticke a disgrace vpon you . He was here , now , to haue intic'd vs away from you too : but wee told him his owne , I thinke .

La-F.

Has Sir Iohn Daw wrong'd mee so in-humanely ?

Daw .

Hee has done it , Sir Amorous , most maliciously , and trecherously : but if you 'll be rul'd by vs , you shall quit him i'faith .

La-F.

Good Gentlemen ! I 'll make one , beleeue it . How I pray ?

Daup.

Marry Sir , get mee your Phesants , your Godwits , and your best meate , and dish it in Siluer Dishes of your Cosens presently , and say nothing , but clap me a cleane Towell about you , like a Sewer ; and bare-headed , march afore it with a good confidence ( 't is but ouer the way , hard by ) and wee 'll second you , where you shall set o' the Boord , and bid 'hem welcome to 't , which shall show 't is yours , and disgrace his preparation vtterly : and , for your Cosen , whereas shee should be troubled here at home with care of making and giuing welcome , she shall transferre all that labour thether , and be a principall guest her selfe , sit rank'd with the Colledge-Honors , and bee honor'd , and haue her Health drunke as often , as bare , and as lowd as the best of 'hem .

La-F.

I 'll goe tell her presently . It shall bee done , that 's resolu'd .

Cle.

I thought hee would not heare it out , but 't would take him .

Daup.

Well , there bee Guests , and meat now ; how shall we doe for Musique ?

Cle.

The smell of the Venison , going through the Street , will inuite one noyse of Fidlers , or other .

Daup.

I would it would call the Trumpeters thether .

Cle.

Faith , there is hope , they haue intelligence of all Feasts . There 's good correspondence betwixt them , and the London-Cookes . 'T is twenty to one but we haue 'hem .

Daup.

'T will be a most solemne day for my Vncle , and an excellent fit of mirth for vs .

Cle.

I , if we can hold vp the aemulation betwixt Foole and Daw , and neuer bring them to expostulate .

Daup.

Tut , flatter 'hem both ( as Tru-wit sayes ) and you may take their vnderstandings in a Purse-net . They 'll beleeue themselues to be iust such men as we make 'hem , neither more nor lesse . They haue nothing , not the vse of their senses , but by tradition .

Cle.

See! Sir Amorous has his Towell on already . He enters like a Sewer Haue you perswaded your Cossen ?

La-F.

Yes , 't is very faesible : shee 'll doe any thing , shee sayes , rather then the La-Fooles shall be disgrac'd .

Daup.

She is a Noble Kinswoman . It will be such a pest'-ling deuice , Sir Amorous ! It will pound all your enemies practises to poulder , and blow him vp with his owne mine , his owne traine .

La-F.

Nay , wee 'll giue fire , I warrant you .

Cle.

But you must carry it priuately , without any noyse , and take no notice by any meanes —

Ott.

Gentlemen , my Princesse sayes , you shall haue all her Siluer Dishes , festinate : and she 's gone to alter her Tyre a little , and goe with you —

Cle.

And your selfe too , Captaine Otter .

Daup.

By any meanes , Sir .

Ott.

Yes Sir , I doe meane it : but I would entreate my Cosen Sir Amorous , and you Gentlemen , to be Sutors to my Princesse , that I may carry my Bull , and my Beare , as well as my Horse .

Cle.

That you shall doe , Captaine Otter .

La-F.

My Cosen will neuer consent , Gentlemen .

Daup.

She must consent , Sir Amorous , to reason .

La-F.

Why , she sayes they are no decorum among Ladies .

Ott.

But they are decora , and that 's better , Sir .

Cle.

I , shee must heare argument . Did not Pasiphae , who was a Queene , loue a Bull ? and was not Calisto , the Mother of Arcas , turn'd into a Beare , and made a Starre , Mistris Ursula , i' the Heauens ?

Ott.

O God! that I could ha' said as much ! I will haue these Stories painted i' the Beare-garden , Ex Ouidij Metamorphosi .

Daup.

Where is your Princesse , Captaine ? pray' be our Leader .

Ott.

That I shall , Sir .

Cle.

Make haste , good Sir Amorous .

Act III. Scene IIII . Morose , Epicaene , Parson , Cutberd .

SIr , there 's an Angell for your selfe , and a brace of Angels for your cold . Muse not at this mannage of my bounty , It is fit , we should thanke Fortune , double to Nature , for any benefit she conferres vpon vs ; besides , it is your imperfection , but my solace . The Parson speakes , as hauing a cold .

Par.

I thanke your Worship , so is it mine , now .

Mor.

What sayes he , Cutberd ?

Cut.

Hee sayes , Praesto , Sir , whensoeuer your Worship needs him , he can be readie with the like . Hee got this cold with sitting vp late , & singing Catches with Cloth-workers .

Mor.

No more . I thanke him .

Par.

God keepe your Worship , and giue you much ioy with your faire Spouse . He coughes . ( Vmh , vmb . )

Mor.

O , ô , stay Cutberd ! let him giue me fiue shillings of my money back . As it is bounty to reward benefits , so is it equity to mulct iniuries . I will haue it . What sayes he ?

Cut.

He cannot change it , Sir

Mor.

It must be chang'd .

Cut.

Cough againe .

Mor.

What sayes he ?

Cut.

He will cough out the rest , Sir .

Par.

( Vmh , Againe . vmh , vmh . )

Mor.

Away , away with him , stop his mouth , away , I forgiue it . —

Epi.

Fye , Master Morose , that you will vse this violence to a man of the Church .

Mor.

How !

Epi.

It do's not become your grauitie , or breeding , ( as you pretend in Court ) to haue offer'd this out-rage on a water-man , or any more boystrous creature , much lesse on a man of his ciuill Coat .

Mor.

You can speake then !

Epi.

Yes , Sir .

Mor.

Speake out I meane .

Epi.

I Sir . Why , did you thinke you had marryed a Statue ? or a Motion , onely ? one of the French Puppets , with the eyes turn'd with a Wire ? or some innocent out of the Hospitall that would stand with her hands thus , and a playse mouth , and looke vpon you .

Mar.

O immodestie ! a manifest woman ! what Cutberd ?

Epi.

Nay , neuer quarrell with Cutberd , Sir , it is too late now . I confesse , it doth bate somewhat of the modestie I had , when I writ simply Maide : but I hope , I shall make it a stocke still competent , to the estate , and dignitie of your Wife .

Mor.

She can talke !

Epi.

Yes indeed , Sir .

Mor.

What , Sirrah . None of my Knaues there ? where is this Impostor , Cutberd ?

Epi.

Speake to him , fellow , speake to him , I 'll haue none of this coacted , vnnaturall dumbnesse in my house , in a Family where I gouerne .

Mor.

She is my Regent already ! I haue marryed a Penthesilea , a Semiramis , sold my liberty to a Distaffe !

Act III. Scene V. Tru-wit , Morose , Epicoene .

WHere 's Master Morose ?

Mor.

Is he come againe ! Lord haue mercie vpon mee .

Tru.

I wish you all ioy , Mistris Epicoene , with your graue and honourable match .

Epi.

I returne you the thankes , Master Tru-wit , so friendly a wish deserues .

Mor.

She has acquaintance , too !

Tru.

God saue you Sir , and giue you all contentment in your faire choice , here . Before I was the Bird of night to you , the Owle but now I am the Messenger of Peace , a Doue , and bring you the glad wishes of many friends , to the celebration of this good houre .

Mor.

What houre , Sir ?

Tru.

Your Marriage houre Sir . I commend your resolution , that ( notwithstanding all the dangers I laid afore you , in the voice of a Night-Crow ) would yet goe on , and bee your selfe . It shewes you are a man constant to your , owne ends , and vpright to your purposes , that would not bee put off with left-handed cryes .

Mor.

How should you arriue at the knowledge of so much !

Tru.

Why , did you euer hope , Sir committing the secrecie of it to a Barber , that lesse then the whole Towne should know it ? you might as well ha' told it to the Conduit , or the Bake-house , or the Infant'ry that follow the Court , and with more securitie . Could your Grauitie forget so old and noted a remnant , as , lippis & tonsoribus notum , Well Sir , forgiue it your selfe now , the fault , and bee communicable with your friends . Here will bee three or foure fashionable Ladies , from the Colledge to visit you presently , and their trayne of Minions , and Followers .

Mor.

Barre my doores ! barre my doores ! where are all my eaters ? my mouthes now ? baire vp my doores , you Varlets .

Epi.

He is a Varlet , that stirres to such an office . Let 'hem stand open . I would see him that dares mooue his eyes toward it . Shall I haue a Barricado made against my friends , to be barr'd of any pleasure they can bring in to me with honorable visitation .

Mor.

O Amazonian impudence !

Tru.

Nay faith , in this , Sir , shee speakes but reason : and me thinkes is more continent then you . Would you goe to bed so presently , Sir , afore noone ? a man of your head , and haire , should owe more to that reuerend Ceremony , and not mount the Marriage-bed , like a Towne-Bull , or a Mountayne-Goate ; but stay the due season ; and ascend it then with Religion , and feare . Those delights are to bee steep'd in the humor , and silence of the night ; and giue the day to other open pleasures , and iollities of Feast , of Musique , of Reuels , of Discourse : wee 'll haue all , Sir , that may make your Hymen high , and happy .

Mor.

O , my torment , my torment !

Tru.

Nay , if you indure the first halfe houre , Sir , so tediously , and with this irksomnesse ; what comfort , or hope , can this faire Gentlewoman make to her selfe hereafter , in the consideration of so many yeeres as are to come —

Mor.

Of my affliction . Good Sir , depart , and let her doe it alone .

Tru.

I haue done , Sir .

Mor.

That cursed Barber !

Tru.

( Yes faith , a cursed Wretch indeed , Sir . )

Mor.

I haue marryed his Citterne , that 's common to all men . Some plague aboue the plague —

Tru.

( All Egypts ten Plagues )

Mor.

Reuenge me on him .

Tru.

'T is very well , Sir . If you laid on a curse or two , more , I 'll assure you hee 'll beare 'hem . As , that hee may get the Poxe with seeking to cure it , Sir ? Or , that while he is curling another mans haire , his owne may drop off ? Or , for burning some Male-baudes Locke , he may haue his braine beat out with the Curling-Iron ?

Mor.

No , let the Wretch liue wretched . May hee get the Itch , and his Shop so lousie , as no man dare come at him , nor he come at no man .

Tru.

( I , and if he would swallow all his Balles for Pils , let not them purge him )

Mor.

Let his Warming-Pan be euer cold .

Tru.

( A perpetuall Frost vnderneath it , Sir )

Mor.

Let him neuer hope to see fire againe .

Tru.

( But in Hell , Sir )

Mor.

His Chayres bee alwayes empty , his Scissors rust , and his Combes mould in their Cases .

Tru.

Very dreadfull that ! ( And may he loose the inuention , Sir , of caruing Lanternes in Paper )

Mor.

Let there bee no Baud carted that yeere , to employ a Bason of his : but let him be glad to eate his Sponge , for Bread .

Tru.

And drinke lotium to it , and much good doe him .

Mor.

Or , for want of Bread —

Tru.

Eate Eare-Waxe , Sir . I 'll helpe you . Or draw'h is owne Teeth , and adde them to the Lute-string .

Mor.

No , beate the olde ones to poulder , and make Bread of them .

Tru.

( Yes , make meale o' the Milstones . )

Mor.

May all the Botches , and Burnes , that he has cur'd on others , breake out vpon him .

Tru.

And he now forget the cure of 'hem in himselfe , Sir : or , if hee doe remember it , let him ha' scrap'd all his Linnen into Lint for 't , and haue not a ragge left him , to set vp with .

Tru.

That falls out often , Madame , that hee that thinkes himselfe the Master-wit , is the Master-foole . I assure your Ladiship , ye cannot laugh at her .

Hau.

No , wee 'll haue her to the Colledge : and she haue wit , she shall be one of vs . ! shall shee not Centaure ? wee 'll make her a Collegiate .

Cen.

Yes faith , Madame , and Mauis , and shee will set vp a side .

Tru.

Beleeue it Madame , and Mistris Mauis , shee will sustaine her part .

Mau.

I 'll tell you that , when I haue talk'd with her , and try'd her .

Hau.

Use her very ciuilly , Mauis .

Mau.

So I will , Madame .

Mor.

Blessed minute , that they would whisper thus euer .

Tru.

In the the meane time , Madame , would but your Ladiship helpe to vexe him a little : you know his disease , talke to him about the Wedding Ceremonies , or call for your Gloues , or —

Hau.

Let me alone . Centaure , helpe mee . Master Bride-groome , where are you ?

Mor.

O , it was too miraculously good to last !

Hau.

We see no Ensignes of a Wedding , here ; no Character of a Brideale : where be our Skarfes , and our Gloues ? I pray you , giue 'hem vs . Let 's know your Brides Colours , and yours , at least .

Cen.

Alas , Madame , he has prouided none .

Mor.

Had I knowne your Ladiships Painter , I would .

Hau.

He has giuen it you , Centaure , yfaith . But doe you heare Master Morose , a Iest will not absolue you in this manner . You that haue suck'd the Milke of the Court , and from thence haue beene brought vp to the very strong meates , and Wine , of it ; beene a Courtier from the Biggen , to the Night-Cap : ( as wee may say ) and you , to offend in such a high point of Ceremonie , as this and let your Nuptialls want all markes of solemnitie ! How much Plate haue you lost to day ( if you had but regarded your profit ) what gifts , what friends , through your meere Rusticitie ?

Mor.

Madame —

Hau.

Pardon me , Sir , I must insinuate your errors to you . No Gloues ? no Garters ? no Skarfes ? no Epithalamium ? no Masque ?

Daw .

Yes , Madame , I 'll make an Epithalamium , I promis'd my Mistris , I haue begunne it already : will your Ladiship heare it ?

Hau.

I , good Iack Daw .

Mor.

Will it please your Ladiship command a Chamber , and bee priuate with hour friend ? you shall haue your choice of Roomes , to retyre to after : my whole House is yours . I know , it hath beene your Ladiships errand , into the Citie , at other times , how euer now you haue beene vnhappily diuerted vpon mee ; but I shall bee loth to breake any honorable custome of your Ladiships . And therefore , good Madame —

Epi.

Come , you are a rude Bride-groome , to entertayne Ladies of honour in this fashion .

Cer.

He is a rude Groome , indeed .

Tru.

By that light , you deserue to grafted , and haue your Hornes reach from one side of the Iland , to the other . Doe not mistake mee , Sir , I but speake this , to giue the Ladies some heart againe , not for any malice to you .

Mor.

Is this your Brauo , Ladies ?

Tru.

As God helpe mee , if you vtter such another word , I 'll take Mistris Bride in and begin to you , in a very sad cup , doe you see ? Goe too , know your friends , and such , as loue you .

Act III. Scene VII. Clerimont , Morose , Tru-wit , Dauphine , La-Foole , Otter , Mrs. Otter , &c.

BY your leaue , Ladies . Doe you want any Musique ? I haue brought you varietie of noyses . Play , Sirs , all of you .

Mor.

Musique of all sorts . O , a plot , a plot , a plot , a plot vpon me ! This day , I shall bee their Anuile to worke on , they will grate mee asunder . 'T is worse then the noyse of a Saw .

Cle.

No , they are Haire , Rosin , and Guts . I can giue you the Receipt .

Tru.

Peace , Boyes .

Cle.

Play , I say .

Tru.

Peace , Rascals . You see who 's your friend now , Sir ? Take courage , put on a Martyrs resolution . Mocke downe all their attemptings , with patience . 'T is but a day , and I would suffer heroically . Should an Asse exceed mee in fortitude ? No . You betray your infirmitie with your hanging dull eares , and make them insult : beare vp brauely , and constantly . Looke you here , Sir , what honour is done you vnexpected , La-Foole passes ouer sewing the meate . by your Nephew ; a Wedding Dinner come , and a Knight Sewer before it , for the more reputation : and fine Mistris Otter , your Neighbour , in the Rump , or Tayle of it .

Mor.

Is that Gorgon , that Medusa come ? Hide mee , hide me .

Tru.

I warrant you , Sir , shee will not transforme you . Looke vpon her with a good courage . Pray you entertayne her , and conduct your Guests in , No ? Mistris Bride , will you entreat in the Ladies ? your Bridegroome is so shame-fac'd , here —

Epi.

Will it please your Ladiship , Madame ?

Hau.

With the benefit of your companie , Mistris .

Epi.

Seruant , pray you performe your duties .

Daw .

And glad to be commanded , Mistris .

Cen.

How like you her wit , Mauis .

Mau.

Very prettily , absolutely well .

Mrs. Ot.

'T is my place .

Mau.

You shall pardon me , Mistris Otter .

Mrs. Ot.

Why , I am a Collegiate .

Mau.

But not in ordinary .

Mrs. Ot.

But I am .

Mau.

Wee 'll dispute that within .

Cle.

Would this had lasted a little longer .

Tru.

And that they had sent for the Heralds . Captayne Otter , what newes ?

Ott.

I haue brought my Bull , Beare , and Horse , in priuate , and yonder are the Trumpetters without , and the Drum , Gentlemen .

Mor.

O , ô , ô. The Drum , and Trumpets sound ,

Ott.

And we will haue a rouse in each of 'hem , anon , for bold Britons , yfaith .

Mor.

Follow , follow , follow .

Act IIII .

Scene I. Tru-wit , Clerimont , Dauphine .

WAs there euer poore Bride-groome so tormented ? or man indeed ?

Cle.

I haue not read of the like , in the Chronicles of the Land .

Tru.

Sure , he cannot but goe to a place of rest , after all this Purgatorie .

Cle.

He may presume it , I thinke .

Tru

The spitting , the coughing , the laughter , the neesing , the farting , dauncing , noyse of the Musique , and her masculine , and lowd commanding , and vrging the whole Family , makes him thinke he has marryed a Furie .

Cle.

And she carries it vp brauely .

Tru.

I , she takes any occasion to speake : that 's the height on 't .

Cle.

And how soberly Dauphine labours to satisfie him , that it was none of his plot !

Tru.

And has almost brought him to the faith , i' the article . Here he comes . Where is he now ? what 's become of him , Dauphine ?

Daup.

O , hold me vp a little , I shall goe away i' the iest else . Hee has got on his whole Nest of Night-caps , and lock'd himselfe vp , i' the top o' the House , as high as euer he can climbe from the noyse . I peep'd in at a cranny , and saw him sitting ouer a crosse-beame o' the roofe , like him o' the Sadlers Horse in Fleetstreet , vp-right : and hee will sleepe there .

Cle.

But where are your Collegiates ?

Daup.

With-drawne with the Bride in priuate .

Tru.

O , they are instructing her i' the Colledge-Grammar . If shee haue grace with them , shee knowes all their secrets instantly .

Cle.

Mee thinkes , the Lady Haughty lookes well to day , for all my disprayse of her i' the morning . I thinke , I shall come about to thee againe , Tru-wit .

Tru.

Beleeue it , I told you right . Women ought to repayre the losses , time and yeeres haue made i' their features , with dressings . And an intelligent Woman , if shee know by her selfe the least defect , will bee most curious , to hide it : and it becomes her . If shee bee short , let her sit much , lest when she stands , she be thought to sit . If she haue an ill foot , let her weare her Gowne the longer , and her Shoo the thinner . If a fat Hand , and scald Nailes , let her carue the lesse , and act in Gloues . If a sowre breath , let her neuer discourse fasting : and alwayes talke at her distance . If she haue black and rugged Teeth , let her offer the lesse at laughter , especially if she laugh wide , and open .

Cle.

O , you shall haue some women , when they laugh , you would thinke they bray'd , it is so rude , and —

Tru.

I , and others , that will stalke i' their gait like an Estrich , and take huge strides . I cannot endure such a sight . I loue measure i' the feet , and number i' the voyce : they are Gentlenesses , that oft-times draw no lesse then the face .

Daup.

How cam'st thou to studie these Creatures so exactly ? I would thou would'st make me a Proficient .

Tru.

Yes , but you must leaue to liue i' your Chamber then a month together vpon Amadis de Gaule , or Don Quixote , as you are wont ; and come abroad where the matter is frequent , to Court , to Tiltings , publique Showes , and Feasts , to Playes , and Church sometimes : thither they come to shew their new Tyres too , to see , and to be seene . In these places a man shall find whome to loue , whome to play with , whome to touch once , whom to hold euer . The varietie arrests his iudgement . A Wench to please a man comes not downe dropping from the seeling , as hee lyes on his backe droning a Tobacco Pipe . He must goe where she is .

Daup.

Yes , and be neuer the neere .

Tru.

Out Heretique . That diffidence makes thee worthy , it should be so .

Cle.

He sayes true to you , Dauphine .

Daup.

Why ?

Tru.

A man should not doubt to ouer come any Woman . Thinke hee can vanquish 'hem , and he shall , for though they denie , their desire is to bee tempted . Penelope her selfe cannot hold out long . Ostend , you saw , was taken at last . You must perseuer , and hold to your purpose . They would sollicite vs , but that they are afraid . Howsoeuer , they wish in their hearts wee should sollicite them . Prayse them , flatter . 'hem , you shall neuer want Eloquence , or trust : euen the chastest delight to feele themselues that way rub'd . With Prayses you must mixe Kisses too . If they take them , they 'll take more . Though they striue , they would bee ouercome .

Cle.

O , but a man must beware of force .

Tru.

It is to them an acceptable violence , and has oft-times the place of the greatest courtesie . Shee that might haue beene forc'd , and you let her goe free without touching though she then seeme to thanke you , will euer hate you after : and glad i' the face , is assuredly sad at the heart .

Cle.

But all women are not to be taken alwayes .

Tru.

'T is true . No more then all Birds , or all Fishes . If you appeare learned to an ignorant Wench , or iocund to a sad , or witty to a foolish , why shee presently beginnes to mistrust herselfe . You must approch them i' their owne height , their owne line : for the contrary makes many that feare to commit themselues to noble and worthy fellowes , runne into the imbraces of a Rascall . If she loue Wit , giue Verses , though you borrow 'hem of a friend , or buy 'hem , to haue good . If Valour , talke of your Sword , and be frequent in the mention of Quarrels , though you be staunch in fighting . If actiuity be seen o' your Barbary often , or leaping ouer stooles , for the credit of your back . If she loue good clothes or dressing haue your learned Counsel about you euery morning , your French Taylor , Barber , Linnener , &c. Let your Poulder , your Glasse , and your Combe , be your dearest acquaintance . Take more care for the ornament of your head , then the safetie : and wish the Common-wealth rather troubled , then a haire about you . That will take her . Then if shee bee couetous and crauing , doe you promise any thing , and performe sparingly : so shall you keepe her in appetite still . Seeme as you would giue , but be like a barren field that yeelds little , or vnlucky Dice , to foolish , and hoping Gamesters . Let your gifts be flight , and daintie , ra her then precious . Let cunning be aboue cost . Giue Cherries at time of yeere , or Apricots ; and say they were sent you out of the Countrey , though you bought 'hem in Cheap-side . Admire her Tyres ; like her in all fashions ; compare her in euery habit to some Deitie ; inuent excellent Dreames to flatter her , and Riddles ; or , if shee bee a great one , performe alwayes the second parts to her : like what she likes , prayse whom shee prayses , and faile not to make the Houshold and Seruants yours , yea the whole Family , and salute 'hem by their names : ( 't is but light cost if you can purchase 'hem so ) and make her Physician your Pensioner , and her chiefe woman . Nor will it bee out of your gaine to make loue to her too , so she follow , not vsher , her Ladies pleasure . All blabbing is taken away , when she comes to be a part of the crime .

Daup.

On what Courtly lap hast thou late slept , to come forth so sudden and absolute a Courtling ?

Tru.

Good faith , I should rather question you , that are so harkening after these Mysteries . I begin to suspect your diligence , Dauphine . Speake , art thou in loue in earnest ?

Daup.

Yes by my troth am I : 't were ill dissembling before thee .

Tru.

With which of 'hem , I pray thee ?

Daup.

With all the Collegiates .

Cle.

Out on thee . Wee 'll keepe you at home , beleeue it , i' the Stable , and you be such a Stallion .

Tru.

No , I like him well . Men should loue wisely , and all women : someone for the face , and let her please the eye ; another for the skin , and let her please the touch ; a third for the voyce , and let her please the eare ; and where the Obiects mixe , let the senses so too . Thou wouldst thinke it strange , if I should make 'hem all in loue with thee a fore Night !

Daup.

I would say thou had'st the best Philtre i' the World , and couldst doe more then Madame Medea , or Doctor Foreman .

Tru.

If I doe not , let me play the Mounte-banke for my meate while I liue , and the Bawd for my drinke .

Daup.

So be it , I say .

Act IIII. Scene II. Otter , Clerimont , Daw , Dauphine , Morose , Tru-wit , La-Foole , Mrs. Otter .

O Lord , Gentlemen , how my Knights and I haue mist you here !

Cle.

Why , Captaine , what Seruice ? what Seruice ?

Ott.

To see mee bring vp my Bull , Beare , and Horse to fight .

Daw .

Yes faith , the Captaine sayes we shall be his Dogs to bait 'hem .

Daup.

A good imployment .

Tru.

Come on , let 's see a course then .

La-F.

I am afraid my Cousin will bee offended if shee come .

Ott.

Be afraid of nothing . Gentlemen , I haue plac'd the Drumme and the Trumpets , and one to giue 'hem the signe when you are readie . Here 's my Bull for my selfe , and my Beare for Sir Iohn Daw , and my Horse for Sir Amorous . Now set your foot to mine , and yours to his , and —

La-F.

Pray God my Cousin come not .

Ott.

Saint George , and Saint Andrew , feare no Cousins . Come , sound , sound . Et rauco strepuerunt cornuacantu .

Tru.

Well said , Captaine , yfaith : well fought at the Bull .

Cle.

Well held at the Beare .

Tru.

Low , low , Captaine .

Daup.

O' the Horse has kickt off his Dogge alreadie .

La-F.

I cannot drinke it , as I am a Knight .

Tru.

Gods so , off with his Spurres , some-body .

La-F.

It goes againe my conscience . My Cousin will be angry with it .

Daw .

I ha' done mine .

Tru.

You fought high and faire , Sir Iohn .

Cle.

At the head .

Daup.

Like an excellent Beare-Dogge .

Cle.

You take no notice of the businesse I hope .

Daw .

Not a word , Sir , you see we are iouiall .

Ott.

Sir Amorous , you must not aequiuocate . It must bee pull'd downe , for all my Cousin .

Cle.

Sfoot , if you take not your drinke , they 'll thinke you are discontented with some thing : you 'll betray all , if you take the least notice .

La-F.

Not I , I 'll both drinke , and talke then .

Ott.

You must pull the Horse on his knees , Sir Amorous : feare no Cousins . Iacta est alea.

Tru.

O , now hee 's in his vaine , and bold . The least hint giuen him of his Wife now will make him raile desperately .

Cle.

Speake to him of her .

Tru.

Doe you , and I 'll fetch her to the hearing of it .

Daup.

Captaine hee-Otter , your shee-Otter is comming , your Wife .

Ott.

Wife ! Buz . Titinilitium . There 's no such thing in nature . I confesse , Gentlemen , I haue a Cooke , a Laundresse , a House-Drudge , that serues my necessary turnes , and goes vnder that title : But hee 's an Asse that will bee so vxorious , to tye his affections to one Circle . Come , the name duls appetite . Here , replenish againe : another bout . Wiues are nasty , sluttish Animalls .

Daw .

O , Captaine .

Ott.

As euer the Earth bare , tribus verbis . Where 's Master Tru-wit ?

Daw .

Hee 's slipt aside , Sir .

Cle.

But you must drinke , and be iouiall ,

Daw .

Yes , giue it me .

La-F.

And me , too .

Daw .

Let 's be iouiall .

La-F.

As iouiall as you will .

Ott.

Agreed . Now you shall ha' the Beare , Cousin , and Sir Iohn Daw the Horse , and I 'll ha' the Bull still . Sound Tritons o' the Thames . Nunc est bibendum , nunc pede libero —

Mor.

Morose speakes from aboue : the Trumpets sounding . Villaines , Murderers , Sonnes of the Earth , and Traytors , what doe you there ?

Cle.

O , now the Trumpets haue wak'd him , wee shall haue his company .

Ott.

A Wife is a sciruy Clogdogdo ; an vnlucky thing , a very fore-said Beare-whelpe , without any good fashion or breeding : mala bestia .

Daup.

Why did you marry one then , Captaine ?

Ott.

His Wife is brought out to beare him . A poxe — I marryed with sixe thousand pound , I . I was in loue with that . I ha' not kist my Furie these fortie weekes .

Cle.

The more to blame you , Captaine .

Tru.

Nay , Mistris Otter , heare him a little first .

Ott.

Shee has a breath worse then my Grand-mothers , profecto .

Mrs. Ot.

O trecherous Lyar . Kisse mee sweete Master Tru-wit , and proue him a slandring Knaue .

Tru.

I 'll rather beleeue you , Lady .

Ott.

And shee has a Perruke , that 's like a pound of Hempe , made vp in Shoo-thrids .

Mrs. Ot.

O Viper , Mandrake !

Ott.

A most vile face ! and yet she spends me fortie pound a yeere in Mercurie , and Hogs-bones . All her Teeth were made i' the Blacke-Friers : both her eye-browes i' the Strand , and her Haire in Siuer-street . Euery part o' the Towne ownes a piece of her .

Mrs. Ot.

I cannot hold .

Ott.

Shee takes her selfe asunder still when shee goes to bed , into some twentie Boxes ; and about next day noone is put together againe , like a great Germane Clocke : and so comes forth and rings a tedious larum to the whole House , and then is quiet againe for an houre , but for her quarters . Ha' you done me right , Gentlemen ?

Mrs. Ot.

No , Sir , I 'll doe you right with my quarters , with my quarters .

Ott.

Shee falls vpon him and beats vpon him , O , hold , good Princesse .

Tru.

Sound , sound .

Cle.

A battell , a battell .

Mrs. Ot.

You notorious stinkardly Beareward , do's my breath smell ?

Ott.

Vnder correction , deare Princesse : looke to my Beare , and my Horse , Gentlemen .

Mrs. Ot.

Doe I want Teeth , and Eye-browes , thou Bul-Dogge ?

Tru.

Sound , sound still .

Ott.

No , I protest , vnder correction —

Mrs. Ott.

I , now you are vnder correction , you protest : but you did not protest before correction , Sir . Thou Iudas , to offer to betray thy Princesse ! I 'll make thee an example —

Mor.

Morose descends with a longsword I will haue no such examples in my House , Lady Otter .

Mrs. Ot.

Ah —

Mor.

Mistris Mary Ambree , your examples are dangerous . Rogues , Hell-hounds , Stentors , out of my doores , you sonnes of noyse and tumult , begot on an ill May-day , or when the Gally-foist is a-float to Westminster ! A Trumpetter could not be conceiu'd but then !

Daup.

What ailes you , Sir ?

Mor.

They haue rent my Roofe , Walles , and all my Windores asunder , with their brazen throates .

Tru.

Best follow him , Dauphine .

Daup.

So I will .

Cle.

Where 's Daw , and La-Foole ?

Ott.

They are both runne away , Sir . Good Gentlemen , helpe to pacifie my Princesse , and speake to the great Ladies for mee . Now must I goe lye with the Beares this fortnight , and keepe out o' the way , till my peace bee made , for this scandale shee has taken . Did you not see my Bull-head , Gentlemen ?

Cle.

Is 't not on , Captaine ?

Tru.

No : but hee may make a new one , by that , is on .

Ott.

O , here 't is . And you come ouer , Gentlemen , and aske for Tom Otter , wee 'll goe downe to Ratcliffe , and haue a course yfaith : for all these disasters . There 's bona spet left .

Tru.

Away , Captaine , get off while you are well .

Cle.

I am glad we are rid of him .

Tru.

You had neuer beene , vnlesse wee had put his Wife vpon him . His humour is as tedious at last , as it was ridiculous at first .

Act IIII. Scene III. Haughty , Mistris Otter , Mauis , Daw , La-Foole , Centaure , Epicoene , Tru-wit , Clerimont .

WE wondred why you shreek'd so , Mistris Otter .

Mrs. Ot.

O God , Madame , hee came downe with a huge long naked Weapon in both his hands , and look'd so dreadfully ! Sure , hee 's beside himselfe .

Mau.

Why , what made you there , Mistris Otter ?

Mrs. Ot.

Alas , Mistris Mauis , I was chastising my subiect , and thought nothing of him .

Daw .

Faith , Mistris , you must doe so too . Learne to chastize . Mistris Otter corrects her Husband so , hee dares not speake , but vnder correction .

La-F.

And with his Hat off to her : 't would doe you good to see .

Hau.

In sadnesse 't is good , and mature counsell : practize it , Morose . I 'll call you Morose still now , as I call Centaure , and Mauis : we foure will be all one .

Cen.

And you 'll come to the Colledge , and liue with vs ?

Hau.

Make him giue Milke , and Honey .

Mau.

Looke how you manage him at first , you shall haue him euer after .

Cen.

Let him allow you your Coach , and foure Horses , your Woman , your Chamber-maid , your Page your Gentleman-Vsher , your French Cooke , and foure Groomes .

Hau.

And goe with vs , to Bed'lem , to the China Houses , and to the Exchange .

Cen.

It will open the gate to your fame .

Hau.

Here 's Centaure has immortaliz'd her selfe , with taming of her wilde Male .

Mau.

I , shee has done the Miracle of the Kingdome .

Epi.

But Ladies , doe you count it lawfull to haue such pluralitie of Seruants , and doe 'hem all graces ?

Hau.

Why not ? why should women denie their Fauours to men ? Are they the poorer , or the worse ?

Daw .

Is the Thames the lesse for the Dyers Water , Mistris ?

La-F.

Or a Torch , for lighting many Torches ?

Tru.

Well said , La-Foole ; what a new one hee has got !

Cen.

They are emptie losses , women feare , in this kind .

Hau.

Besides , Ladies should bee mindfull of the approch of age , and let no time want his due vse . The best of our dayes passe first .

Mau.

We are Riuers , that cannot bee call'd backe , Madame : shee that now excludes her Louers , may liue to lye a forsaken Beldame , in a frozen Bed .

Gen.

'T is true , Mauis : and who will wait on vs to coach then ? or write , or tell vs the newes then ? Make Anagrams of our names , and inuite vs to the Cock-pit , and kisse our hands all the Play-time , and draw their weapons for our honours ?

Hau.

Not one .

Daw .

Nay , my Mistris is not altogether vn-intelligent of these things ; here bee in presence haue tasted of her fauours .

Cle.

What a neighing Hobby-horse is this !

Epi.

But not with intent to boast 'hem againe , Seruant . And haue you those excellent Receits , Madame , to keepe your selues from bearing of Children ?

now to comfort a poore Gentlewoman ? Ay me ! what fortune had I to marrie a distracted man ?

Daw .

I 'll tell you , Mistris —

Tru.

How rarely shee holds it vp !

Mor.

What meane you , Gentlemen ?

Epi.

What will you tell me , Seruant ?

Daw .

The Disease in Greeke , is called Mayia , in Latine , Insania , Furor , vel Ecstasis melancholica , that is , Egressio , when a man ex melancholico , euadit fanaticus .

Mor.

Shall I haue a Lecture read vpon me aliue ?

Daw .

But he may be but Phreneticus , yet , Mistris ? and Phrenetis is only delirium , or so —

Epi.

I , that is for the Disease , Seruant : but what is this to the cure ? we are sure enough of the Disease .

Mor.

Let me goe .

Tru.

Why , wee 'll intreat her to hold her peace , Sir .

Mor.

O , no . Labour not to stop her . Shee is like a Conduit-pipe , that will gush out with more force , when shee opens againe .

Hau.

I 'll tell you , Morose , you must talke Diuinitie to her altogether , or morall Philosophy .

La-F.

I , and there 's an excellent Booke of morall Philosophy , Madame , of Raynard the Foxe , and all the Beasts , call'd Dones Philosophy .

Cen.

There is , indeed , Sir Amorous La-Foole .

Mor.

O misery !

La-F.

I haue read it , my Lady Centaure , all ouer to my Cousin , hers .

Mrs. Ot.

I , and 't is a very good Booke as any is , of the Modernes .

Daw .

Tut , he must haue Seneca read to him , and Plutarch , and the Ancients ; the Modernes are not for this Disease .

Cle.

Why , you discommended them too , to day , Sir Iohn

Daw .

I , in some Cases : but in these they are best , and Aristotles Ethicks .

Mau.

Say you so , Sir Iohn ? I thinke you are deceiu'd : you tooke it vpon trust .

Hau.

Where 's Trusty , my woman ? I 'll end this difference . I pr'y thee , Otter , call her . Her Father and Mother were both mad , when they put her to mee .

Mor.

I thinke so . Nay , Gentlemen , I am tame . This is but an exercise , I know a Marriage Ceremonie , which I must endure .

Hau.

And one of 'hem ( I know not which ) was cur'd with the Sick-mans Salue ; and the other with Greens Groats-worth of wit .

Tru.

A very cheape Cure , Madame .

Hau.

I , it 's very faesible .

Mrs. Ot.

My Lady call'd for you , Mistris Trusty : you must decide a Controuersie .

Hau.

O Trusty , which was it you said , your Father , or your Mother , that was cur'd with the Sick-mans Salue ?

Trus.

My Mother , Madame , with the Salue .

Tru.

Then it was the Sick-womans Salue .

Trus.

And my Father with the Groats-worth of wit . But there was other meanes vs'd : we had a Preacher that would preach folke asleepe still ; and so they were prescrib'd to goe to Church , by an old Woman that was their Physician , thrise a Weeke —

Epi.

To sleepe ?

Trus.

Yes forsooth : and euery night they reade themselues asleepe on those Bookes .

Epi.

Good faith , it stands with great reason . I would I knew where to procure those Bookes .

Mor.

Oh .

La-F.

I can helpe you with one of 'hem , Mistris Morose , the Groats-worth of wit .

Epi.

But I shall disfurnish you , Sir Amorous : can you spare it ?

La-F.

O , yes , for a Weeke , or so ; I 'll reade it my selfe to him .

Epi.

No , I must doe that , Sir : that must be my office .

Mor.

Sure , hee would doe well inough , if hee could sleepe .

Mor.

No , I should doe well inough , if you could sleepe . Haue I no friend that will make her drunke ? or giue her a little ladanum ? or opium ?

Tru.

Why , Sir , shee talkes tenne times worse in her sleepe .

Mor.

How !

Cle.

Doe you not know that , Sir ? neuer ceases all night .

Tru.

And snores like a Porcpisce .

Mor.

O , redeeme me , Fate , redeeme me , Fate . For how how many causes may a man be diuorc'd , Nephew ?

Daw .

I know not truly , Sir .

Tru.

Some Diuine must resolue you in that , Sir , or Canon Lawyer .

Mor.

I will not rest , I will not thinke of any other hope or comfort till I know .

Cle.

Alas , poore man .

Tru.

You 'll make him mad indeed , Ladies , if you pursue this .

Hau.

No , wee 'll let him breathe , now a quarter of an houre , or so .

Cle.

By my faith , a large Truce .

Hau.

Is that his keeper , that is gone with him ?

Daw .

It is his Nephew , Madame .

La-F.

Sir Dauphine , Eugenie .

Cen.

He lookes like a very pittifull Knight —

Daw .

As can bee . This Marriage , has put him out of all .

La-F.

He has not a penny in his Purse , Madame —

Daw .

He is ready to cry all this day .

La-F.

A very Sharke , hee set me i' the nicke t'other night at Primero .

Tru.

How these Swabbers talke !

Cle.

I , Otters Wine has swell'd their humours aboue a Spring-tide .

Hau.

Good Morose , let 's goe in againe . I like your couches exceeding well : wee 'll goe lie , and talke there .

Epi.

I wait on you , Madame .

Tru.

'Slight , I will haue 'hem as silent as Signes , and their Posts too , e're I ha' done . Doe you heare , Ladie-Bride ? I pray thee now , as thou art a noble Wench , continue this Discourse of Dauphine within : but prayse him exceedingly . Magnifie him with all the height of affection thou canst . ( I haue some purpose in 't ) and but beate off these two Rookes , Iack Daw , and his fellow , with any discontentment hether , and I 'll honour thee for euer .

Epi.

I was about it , here . It angred me to the soule , to heare 'hem beginne to talke so malepert .

Tru.

Pray thee performe it , and thou win'st mee an Idolater to thee , euerlasting .

Epi.

Will you goe in , and heare me doe it ?

Cle.

No , I 'll stay heere . Driue 'hem out of your companie , 't is all I aske : which cannot bee any way better done , then by extolling Dauphine , whome they haue so slighted .

Epi.

I warrant you : you shall expect one of 'hem presently .

Cle.

What a cast of Kastrils are these , to hawke after Ladies , thus ?

Tru.

I , and strike at such an Eagle as Dauphine .

Cle.

Hee will bee madde , when wee will tell him . Here he comes .

Act IIII. Scene V. Clerimont , Tru-wit , Dauphine , Daw , La-Foole .

O Sir , you are welcome .

Tru.

Where 's thine Vncle ?

Daup.

Runne out o'doores in 's Night-caps , to talke with a Casuist , about his Diuorce . It workes admirably .

Tru.

Thou would'st ha' said so , and thou had'st been here ! The Ladies haue laught at thee , most Comically , since thou wentst , Dauphine .

Cle.

And askt , if thou wert thine Vncles keeper ?

Tru.

And the brace of Babouns answer'd , yes ; and said , thou wert a pittifull poore fellow , and did'st liue vpon posts : and had'st nothing but three Sutes of Apparell , and some few Beneuolences that Lords ga' thee to foole to hem , and swagger .

Daup.

Let mee not liue , I 'll beate 'hem . I 'll binde 'hem both to grand Madames Bed . postes , and haue 'hem bayted with Monkeyes .

Tru.

Thou shalt not need , they shall bee beaten to thy hand , Dauphine . I haue an Execution to serue vpon 'hem , I warrant thee shall serue : trust my plot .

Daup.

I , you haue many plots ! So you had one , to make all the Wenches in loue with mee .

Tru.

Why , If I doe not yet afore night , as neere as 't is ; and that they doe not euery one inuite thee , and bee ready to scratch for thee : take the morgage of my wit .

Cle.

'Fore God , I 'll bee his witnesse ; thou shalt haue it , Dauphine : thou shalt bee his Foole for euer , if thou doest not .

Tru.

Agreed . Perhaps 't will bee the better estate . Doe you obserue this Gallerie ? or rather Lobby , indeed ? Here are a couple of Studies , at each end one : here will I act such a Tragi-comoedy betweene the Guelphes , and the Ghibellines , Daw and La-Foole — which of 'hem comes out first , will I seize on : ( you two shall be the Chorus behind the Arras , and whip out betweene the Acts , and speake . ) If I doe not make 'hem keepe the peace , for this remnant of the day , if not of the yeere , I haue faild once — I heare Daw comming : Hide , and doe not laugh , for Gods sake .

Daw .

Which is the way into the Garden , trow ?

Tru.

O , Iack Daw ! I am glad I haue met with you . In good faith , I must haue this matter goe no furder betweene you . I must ha' it taken vp .

Daw .

What matter , Sir ? Betweene whom ?

Tru.

Come , you disguise it — Sir Amorous and you . If you loue me , Iack , you shal make vse of your Philosophy now , for this once , and deliuer me your Sword . This is not the Wedding the Centaures were at , though there be a shee-one here . The Bride has entreated mee I will see no bloud shed at her Bridall , you saw her whisper me ere-while .

Daw .

As I hope to finish Tacitus , I intend no Murder .

Tru.

Doe you not wait for Sir Amorous ?

Daw .

Not I , by my Knight-hood .

Tru.

And your Schollership too ?

Daw .

And my Schollership too .

Tru.

Goe to , then I returne you your Sword , and aske you mercy ; but put it not vp , for you will bee assaulted . I vnderstood that you had apprehended it , and walkt here to braue him : and that you had held your life contemptible , in regard of your honour .

Daw .

No , no , no such thing I assure you . He and I parted now , as good friends as could be .

Tru.

Trust not you to that Visor . I saw him since Dinner with another face : I haue knowne many men in my time vex'd with losses , with deaths , and with abuses , but so offended a Wight as Sir Amorous , did I neuer see , or read of . For taking away his Guests , Sir , to day , that 's the cause : and he declares it behind your back ; with such threatnings and contempts — Hee said to Dauphine , you were the errandst Asse —

Daw .

I , he may say his pleasure .

Tru.

And sweares you are so protested a Coward , that hee knowes you will neuer doe him any manly or single right , and therefore he will take his course .

Daw .

I 'll giue him any satisfaction , Sir — but fighting .

Tru.

I , Sir , but who knowes what satisfaction hee 'll take ? bloud hee thirsts for , and bloud hee will haue : and where-abouts on you he will haue it , who knowes but himselfe ?

Daw .

I pray you , Master Tru-wit , be you a Mediator .

Tru.

He puts him vp . Well , Sir , conceale your selfe then in this studie , till I returne . Nay , you must bee content to bee lock'd in : for , for mine owne reputation I would not haue you seene to receiue a publique disgrace , while I haue the matter in managing . Gods so , here hee comes : keepe your breath close , that he doe not heare you sigh . In good faith , Sir Amorous , he is not this way , I pray you be mercifull , doe not murder him ; hee is a Christian as good as you : you are arm'd as if you sought a reuenge on all his Race . Good Dauphine , get him away from this place . I neuer knew a mans choller so high , but hee would speake to his friends , he would heare reason . Iack Daw , Iack Daw ! a-sleepe ?

Daw .

Is he gone , Master Tru-wit ?

Tru.

I , did you heare him ?

Daw .

O God , yes .

Tru.

What a quicke eare feare has ?

Daw .

But is he so arm'd , as you say ?

Tru.

Arm'd ? did you euer see a fellow , set out to take possession ?

Daw .

I , Sir .

Tru.

That may giue you some light , to conceiue of him : but 't is nothing to the principall . Some false Brother i' the house has furnish'd him strangely . Or , if it were out o' the house , it was Tom Otter .

Daw .

Indeed , hee 's a Captaine , and his Wife is his Kinswoman .

Tru.

Hee has got some-bodies old two-hand-sword to mow you off at the knees . And that Sword hath spawn'd such a Dagger ! — but then he is so hung with Pikes , Halberds , Peitronells , Calliuers , and Muskets , that hee lookes like a Iustice of Peace's Hall : a man of two thousand a yeere , is not sess'd at so many weapons , as he has on . There was neuer Fencer challeng'd at so many seuerall Foyles . You would think he meant to murder all Saint Pulehres Parish . If he could but victuall himselfe for halfe a yeere , in his breeches , he is sufficiently arm'd to ouer-runne a Countrie .

Daw .

Good Lord , what meanes he , Sir ! I pray you Master Tru-wit , be you a Mediator ?

Tru.

Well , I 'll try if he will be appeas'd with a Legge or an Arme , if not you must die once .

Daw .

I would be loth to loose my right Arme , for writing Madrigalls .

Tru.

Why , if hee will bee satisfied with a thumb , or a little finger , all 's one to me . You must think , I 'll do my best .

Daw .

Good Sir , doe .

Cle.

He puts him vp againe , and then came forth . What hast thou done ?

Tru.

He will let me doe nothing , man , hee do's all afore me , he offers his left arme .

Cle.

His left wing , for a Iack Daw .

Daw .

Take it , by all meanes .

Tru.

How ! Maime a man for euer , for a iest ? what a conscience hast thou ?

Daup.

'T is no losse to him : hee has no employment for his Armes , but to eat spoone-meat . Beside , as goods maime his bodie as his reputation .

Tru.

Hee is a Scholler , and a Wit , and yet hee do's not thinke so . But he looses no reputation with vs , for we all resolu'd him an Asse before . To your places againe .

Cle.

I pray thee , let me be in at the other a little .

Tru.

Looke , you 'll spoyle all : these be euer your tricks .

Cle.

No , but I could hit of somethings that thou wilt misse , and thou wilt say are good ones .

Tru.

I warrant you . I pray forbeare , I 'll leaue it off , else .

Daup.

Come away , Clerimont .

Tru.

Sir Amorous !

La-F.

Master Tru-wit .

Tru.

Whither were you going ?

La-F.

Downe into the Court , to make water .

Tru.

By no meanes , Sir , you shall rather tempt your breeches .

La-F.

Why , Sir ?

Tru.

Enter here , if you loue your life .

La-F.

Why ! why !

Tru.

Question till your throat be cut , doe : dally till the enraged soule find you .

La-F.

Who 's that ?

Tru.

Daw it is : will you in ?

La-F.

I , I , I 'll in : what 's the matter ?

Tru.

Nay , if hee had beene coole inough to tell vs that , there had beene some hope to attone you , but hee seemes so implacably enrag'd .

La-F.

'Slight , let him rage . I 'll hide my selfe .

Tru.

Doe , good Sir . But what haue you done to him within , that should prouoke him thus ? you haue broke some Iest vpon him , a-fore the Ladies —

La-F.

Not I , neuer in my life , broke Iest vpon any man . The Bride was praysing Sir Dauphine , and he went away in snuffe , and I followed him , vnlesse he tooke offence at me , in his drink ere while , that I would not pledge al the horse full .

Tru.

By my faith , and that may be , you remember well : but he walkes the round vp and down , through euery roome o' the house , with a Towell in his hand , crying , where 's La-Foole ? who saw La-Foole ? and when Dauphine , and I , demanded the cause , wee can force no answere from him , but ( ô reuenge , how sweete art thou ! I will strangle him in this Towell ) which leads vs to coniecture , that the maine cause of his furie is for bringing your meate to day , with a Towell about you , to his discredit .

La-F.

Like inough . Why , and he be angry for that . I 'll stay here , till his anger be blowne ouer .

Tru.

A good becomming resolution , Sir . If you can put it on o' the sudden .

La-F.

Yes , I can put it on . Or , I 'll away into the Countrey presently .

Tru.

How will you get out o' the house , Sir ? Hee knowes you are i' the house , and hee 'll watch you this se'n-night but hee 'll haue you . Hee 'll out-wait a Seriant for you .

La-F.

Why , then I 'll stay here .

Tru.

You must thinke , how to victuall your selfe in time , then .

La-F.

Why , sweet Master Tru-wit , will you entreat my Cousin Otter , to send me a cold Venison Pasty , a Bottle or two of Wine , and a Chamber Pot .

Tru.

A stoole were better , Sir , of Sir A-iax his inuention .

La-F.

I , that will be better indeed : and a Pallat to lye on .

Tru.

O , I would not aduise you to sleepe by any meanes .

La-F.

Would you not , Sir ? why , then I will not .

Tru.

Yet , there 's another feare —

La-F.

Is there , Sir ? What is 't ?

Tru.

No , hee cannot breake open this doore with his foote , sure .

La-F.

I 'll set my backe against it , Sir . I haue a good backe .

Tru.

But , then if he should batter .

La-F.

Batter ! if he dare , I 'll haue an Action of Batt'ry , against him .

Tru.

Cast you the worst . Hee has sent for poulder alreadie , and what he will doe with it , no man knowes : perhaps blow vp the corner o' the house where hee suspects you are . Here he comes , in quickly . I protest , Sir Iohn Daw , Hee faines as if one were present , to fright the other , who is run in to hide himselfe . he is not this way : what will you doe ? before God , you shall hang no petarde here . I 'll dye rather Will you not take my word ? I neuer knew one but would be satisfied . Sir Amorous , there 's no standing out . Hee has made a petarde of an olde brasse Pot , to force your doore . Thinke vpon some satisfaction or termes , to offer him .

La-F.

Sir , I 'll giue him any satisfaction . I dare giue any termes .

Tru.

You 'll leaue it to me , then ?

La-F.

I , Sir . I 'll stand to any conditions .

Tru.

Hee cals forth Clerimont , and Dauphine . How now , what thinke you , Sirs ? were 't not a difficult thing to determine , which of these two fear'd most .

Cle.

Yes , but this feares the brauest : the other a whiniling dastard , Iack Daw : but La-Foole , a braue heroique coward ! and is afraid in a great looke , and a stout accent . I like him rarely .

Tru.

Had it not beene pitty , these two should ha' beene conceal'd ?

Cle.

Shall I make a motion ?

Tru.

Briefly . For I must strike while 't is hot .

Cle.

Shall I goe fetch the Ladies to the Catastrophe ?

Tru.

Vmh ? I , by my troth .

Daup.

By no mortall meanes . Let them continue in the state of ignorance , and erre still : thinke 'hem wits , and fine fellowes , as they haue done . 'T were sinne to reforme them .

Tru.

Well , J will haue 'hem fetch'd , now I thinke on 't , for a priuate purpose of mine : doe , Clerimont , fetch 'hem , and discourse to 'hem all that 's past , and bring 'hem into the Gallery here .

Daup.

This is thy extreme vanitie , now : thou think'st thou wert vndone , if euery Iest thou mak'st were not publish'd .

Tru.

Thou shalt see , how vniust thou art , presently . Clerimont , say it was Dauphine's plot . Trust mee not , if the whole drift bee not for thy good . There 's a Carpet i' the next roome , put it on , with this Scarfe ouer thy face , and a Cushion o' thy head , and be ready when I call Amorous . Away — . Iohn Daw .

Daw .

What good newes , Sir ?

Tru.

Faith , I haue followed , and argued with him hard for you . I told him , you were a Knight , and a Scholler ; and that you knew fortitude did consist magis patiendo quam faciendo , magis ferendo quam feriendo .

Daw .

It doth so indeed , Sir .

Tru.

And that you would suffer , I told him : so , at first he demanded , by my troth , in my conceipt , too much .

Daw .

What was it , Sir .

Tru.

Your vpper lip , and six o' your fore-teeth .

Daw .

'T was vnreasonable .

Tru.

Nay , I told him plainly , you could not spare 'hem all . So after long argument ( pro & con , as you know ) I brought him downe to your two Butter-teeth , and them he would haue .

Daw .

O , did you so ? why , he shall haue 'hem .

Tru.

But he shall not , Sir , by your leaue . The conclusion is this , Sir , because you shall be very good friends hereafter , and this neuer to be remembred , or vpbrayded ; besides , that he may not boast , he has done any such thing to you in his owne person : hee is to come here in disguise , giue you fiue kicks in priuate , Sir , take your Sword from you , and lock you vp in that Studie , during pleasure . Which will be but a little while , wee 'll get it releas'd presently .

Daw .

Fiue kicks ? he shall haue six , Sir , to be friends .

Tru.

Beleeue me , you shall not ouer-shoot your selfe , to send him that word by me .

Daw .

Deliuer it , Sir . He shall haue it with all my heart , to be friends .

Tru.

Friends ? Nay , and he should not be so , and heartily too , vpon these termes , he shall haue me to enemie while I liue . Come , Sir , beare it brauely .

Daw .

O God , Sir , 't is nothing .

Tru.

Tru . What 's six kicks to a man , that reades Seneca ?

Daw .

I haue had a hundred , Sir .

Tru.

Sir Amorous . No speaking one to another , Dauphine comes forth , and kicks him . or rehearsing old matters .

Daw .

One , two , three , foure , fiue . I protest , Sir Amorous , you shall haue six .

Tru.

Nay , I told you should not talke . Come giue him six , and he will needs . Your Sword . Now returne to your safe custody : you shall presently meete afore the Ladies , and be the dearest friends one to another — Giue mee the Scarfe , now , thou shalt beat the other bare-fac'd . Stand by , Sir Amorous .

La-F.

What 's here ? A Sword .

Tru.

I cannot helpe it , without I should take the quarrell vpon my selfe : here he has sent you his Sword —

La-F.

I ll receiue none on 't .

Tru.

And hee wils you to fasten it against a wall , and breake your head in some few seuerall places against the Hilts .

La-F.

I will not : tell him roundly . I cannot endure to shed my owne bloud .

Tru.

Will you not ?

La-F.

No . I ll beat it against a faire flat wall , if that will satisfie him : If not , he shall beat it himselfe , for Amorous .

Tru.

Why , this is strange starting off , when a man vndertakes for you ! I offered him another condition : will you stand to that ?

La-F.

Yes , I am content , at the blunt .

Tru.

Then you must submit your selfe to bee hood-wink'd in this Skarse , and bee led to him , where hee will take your Sword from you , and make you beare a blow , ouer the Mouth , Gules , and tweakes by the Nose , Sans numbre .

La-F.

I am content . But why must I be blinded ?

Tru.

That 's for your good , Sir : because , if hee should grow insolent vpon this , and publish it hereafter to your disgrace ( which I hope hee will not doe ) you might sweare safely and protest , hee neuer beate you to your knowledge .

La-F.

O , I conceiue .

Tru.

I doe not doubt , but you 'll bee perfect good friends vpon 't , and not dare to vtter an ill thought one of another , in future .

La-F.

Not I , as God helpe me , of him .

Tru.

Nor he of you , Sir . If he should — Come , Sir . All hid , Sir Iohn .

La-F.

Oh , Sir Iohn , Sir Iohn . Dauphine enters to tweake him , Oh , ô-ô ô ô ô Oh —

Tru.

Good Sir Iohn , leaue tweaking , you 'll blow his Nose off . 'T is Sir Iohn's pleasure , you should retyre into the Studie . Why , now you are friendes . All bitternesse betweene you , I hope , is buried ; you shall come forth by and by , Damon and Pythias vpon 't : and embrace with all the ranknesse of Friendship that can bee . I trust , we shall haue 'hem tamer i' their Language hereafter . Dauphine , I worship thee . Gods will , the Ladies haue surpris'd vs !

Act IIII. Scene VI. Hauing discouerd part of the past Scene aboue : Haughty , Centaure , Mauis , Mistris Otter , Epicoene , Trusty , Dauphine , Tru-wit , &c.

CEntaure , how our iudgements were impos'd on by these adulterate Knights !

Cen.

Nay , Madame , Mauis was more deceiu'd then wee , 't was her commendation vtter'd 'hem in the Colledge .

Mau.

I commended but their wits , Madame , and their braueries . I neuer look'd toward their valours .

Hau.

Sir Dauphine is valiant , and a wit too , it seemes .

Mau.

And a brauery too .

Hau.

Was this his proiect ?

Mrs. Ot.

So Master Clerimont intimates , Madame .

Hau.

Good Morose , when you come to the Colledge , will you bring him with you ? Hee seemes a very perfect Gentleman .

Epi.

He is so Madame , beleeue it .

Cen.

But when will you come , Morose ?

Epi.

Three or foure dayes hence , Madame , when I haue got me a Coach , and Horses .

Hau.

No , to morrow , good Morose , Centaure shall send you her Coach .

Mau.

Yes faith , doe , and bring Sir Dauphine with you .

Hau.

Shee has promis'd that Mauis .

Mau.

Hee is a very worthy Gentleman , in his exteriors , Madame .

Hau.

I , he showes he is iudiciall in his clothes .

Cen.

And yet not so superlatiuely neat as some , Madame , that haue their faces set in a Brake !

Hau.

I , and haue euery haire in forme !

Mau.

That weare purer Linnen then our selues , and professe more neatnesse , then the French Hermaphrodite !

Epi.

I Ladies , they , what they tell one of vs , haue tolde a thousand , and are the only Theeues of our fame : that thinke to take vs with that Perfume , or with that Lace , and laugh at vs vn-conscionably when they haue done .

Hau.

But , Sir Dauphines carelesnesse becomes him .

Cen.

I could loue a man , for such a Nose !

Mau.

Or such a Legge !

Cen.

He has an exceeding good eye , Madame !

Mau.

And a very good Lock !

Cen.

Good Morose , bring him to my Chamber first .

Mrs. Ot.

Please your Honours , to meete at my House , Madame ?

Tru.

See , how they eye thee , man ! they are taken I warrant thee .

Hau.

You haue vnbrac'd our brace of Knights , heere , Master Tru-wit .

Tru.

Not I , Madame , it was Sir Dauphines inginer : who , if he haue disfurnish'd your Ladiship of any guard , or seruice by it , is able to make the place good againe , in himself .

Hau.

There 's no suspition of that , Sir .

Cen.

God so , Mauis , Haughty is kissing .

Mau.

Let vs goe too , and take part .

Hau.

But I am glad of the fortune ( beside the discouerie of two such emptie Caskets ) to gaine the knowledge of so rich a Mine of Vertue , as Sir Dauphine .

Cen.

Wee would bee all glad to stile him of our friendship , and see him at the Colledge .

Mau.

Hee cannot mixe with a sweeter societie , I 'll prophesie , and I hope he himselfe will thinke so .

Daup.

I should be rude to imagine otherwise , Ladie .

Tru.

Did not I tell thee , Dauphine ? Why , all their actions are gouerned by crude opinion , without reason or cause ; they know not why they doe any thing : but as they are inform'd , beleeue , iudge , prayse , condemne , loue , hate , and in aemulation one of another , doe all these things alike . Onely , they haue a naturall inclination swayes 'hem generally to the worst , when they are left to themselues . But , pursue it , now thou hast 'hem .

Hau.

Shall we goe in againe , Morose ?

Epi.

Yes , Madame .

Cen.

Wee 'll entreate Sir Dauphines company .

Tru.

Stay , good Madame , the inter-view of the two friends , Pylades and Orestes : I 'll fetch 'hem out to you straight .

Hau.

Will you , Master Tru-wit ?

Daup.

I , but noble Ladies , do not confesse in your countenance , or outward bearing to 'hem any discouerie of their follies , that wee may see , how they will beare vp againe , with what assurance , and erection .

Hau.

We will not , Sir Dauphine .

Cen.

Mau . Vpon our honours , Sir Dauphine .

Tru.

Sir Amorous , Sir Amorous . The Ladies are here .

La-F.

Are they ?

Tru.

Yes , but slip out by and by , as their backes are turn'd , and meet Sir Iohn here , as by chance , when I call you . Iack Daw .

Daw .

What say you , Sir ?

Tru.

Whip out behinde mee suddenly : and no anger i' your lookes to your Aduersarie . Now , now .

La-F.

Noble Sir Iohn Daw ! where ha' you beene ?

Daw .

To seeke you , Sir Amorous .

La-F.

Me ! I honour you .

Daw .

I preuent you , Sir .

Cle.

They haue forgot their Rapiers !

Tru.

O , they meet in peace , man .

Daup.

Where 's your Sword , Sir Iohn ?

Cle.

And yours , Sir Amorous ?

Daw .

Mine ! my Boy had it forth , to mend the handle , cene now .

La-F.

And my gold handle was broke too , and my Boy had it forth .

Daup.

Indeed , Sir ? How their excuses meet !

Cle.

What a consent there is , i' the handles ?

Tru.

Nay , there is so i' the points too , I warrant you .

Mrs. Ot.

O me ! Madame , hee comes againe , the madde man , away .

Act. IIII. Scene VII. Morose , Tru-wit , Clerimont , Dauphine .

Hee had sound the two Swords drawne within . WHat make these naked weapons here , Gentlemen ?

Tru.

O , Sir ! here hath like to beene muder since you went ! A couple of Knights fallen out about the Brides fauours : we were faine to take away their weapons , your house had beene begg'd by this time else —

Mor.

For what ?

Cle.

For Man slaughter , Sir , as being accessary .

Mor,

And , for her fauours ?

Tru.

I , Sir , heretofore , not present . Clerimont , carrie 'hem their Swords , now . They haue done all the hurt they will doe .

Daup.

Ha' you spoke with a Lawyer , Sir ?

Mor.

O , no! there is such a noyse i' the Court , that they haue frighted me home , with more violence then I went ! such speaking , and counter-speaking , with their seuerall voyces of Citations , Appellations , Allegations , Certificates , Attachments , Intergatories , References , Conuictions , and Afflictions indeed , among the Doctors and Proctors ! that the noyse here is silence too 't ! a kind of mid-night !

Tru.

Why , Sir , if you would bee resolu'd indeed , I can bring you hither a very sufficient Lawyer , and a Learned Diuine , that shall inquire into euery least scruple for you .

Mor.

Can you Master Tru-wit ?

Yes , and are very sober graue persons , that will dispatch it in a Chamber , with a whisper , or two .

Mor.

Good Sir , shall I hope this benefit from you , and trust my selfe into your hands ?

Tru.

Alas , Sir ! your Nephew , and I , haue beene asham'd , and oft-times mad since you went , to thinke how you are abus'd . Goe in , good Sir , and locke your selfe vp till we call you , wee 'll tell you more anon , Sir .

Mor.

Doe your pleasure with mee , Gentlemen ; I beleeue in you : and that deserues no delusion —

Tru.

You shall find none , Sir : but heapt , heapt plentie of vexation .

Daup.

What wilt thou doe now , Wit ?

Tru.

Recouer me hither Otter , and the Barber if you can , by any meanes , presently .

Daup.

Why ? to what purpose ?

Tru.

O , I 'll make the deepest Diuine , and grauest Lawyer , out o' them two , for him —

Daup.

Thou canst not man , these are waking Dreames .

Tru.

Doe not feare mee . Clap but a Ciuill Gowne with a Welt , o' the one ; and a Canonicall Cloke with Sleeues , o' the other : and giue 'hem a few termes i' their mouthes , if there come not forth as able a Doctor , and compleat a Parson , for this turne , as may bee wish'd , trust not my Election . And , I hope without wronging the dignitie of eyther Profession , since they are but persons put on , and for mirths sake , to torment him . The Barber smatters Latine , I remember .

Daup.

Yes , and Otter too .

Tru.

Well then , if I make 'hem not wrangle out this Case , to his no comfort , let mee bee thought a lack Daw , or La-Foole , or any thing worse , Goe you to your Ladies , but first send for them .

Daup.

I will .

Act V.

Scene I. La-Foole , Clerimont , Daw , Manis .

WHere had you our Swords , Master Clerimont ?

Cle.

Why , Dauphine tooke 'hem from the mad-man .

La-F.

And hee tooke 'hem from our Boyes , I warrant you ?

Cle.

Very like , Sir .

La-F.

Thanke you good Master Clerimont . Sir Iohn Daw , and I are both beholden to you .

Cle.

Would I knew how to make you so , Gentlemen :

Daw .

Sir Amorous , and I are your Seruants , Sir .

Mau.

Gentlemen , haue any of you a Pen-and-Inke . I would faine write out a Riddle in Italian , for Sir Dauphine , to translate .

Cle.

Not I , in troth Lady , I am no Scriuener .

Daw .

I can furnish you , I thinke , Lady .

Cle.

He has it in the Haft of a Knife , I beleeue !

La-F.

No , he has his Boxe of Instruments .

Cle.

Like a Surgean !

La-F.

For the Mathematiques : his Squire , his Compasses , his Brasse Pens , and Black-lead , to draw Maps of euery place , and person , where he comes .

Cle.

How , Maps of persons !

La-F.

Yes , Sir , of Nomentack , when he was here , and of the Prince of Moldauia , and of Mistris , Mistris Epicane .

Cle.

Away ! he has not found our her Latitude , I hope .

La-F.

You are a pleasant Gentleman , Sir .

Cle.

Faith , now we are in priuate , let 's wanton it a little , and talke waggishly . Sir Iohn , I am telling Sir Amorous here , that you two gouerne the Ladies , where e're you come . you carry the Feminine Gender afore you .

Daw .

They shall rather carry vs afore them , if they will , Sir .

Cle.

Nay , I beleeue that they doe , withall — But , that you are the prime-men in their affections , and direct all their actions —

Daw .

Not I : Sir Amorous is .

La-F.

I protest , Sir Iohn is .

Daw .

As I hope to rise i' the state , Sir Amorous , you ha' the person .

La-F.

Sir Iohn , you ha' the person , and the Discourse too .

Daw .

Not I , Sir . I haue no discourse — and then you haue actiuitie beside .

La-F.

I protest , Sir Iohn , you come as high from Tripoly , as I doe euery whit : and lift as many ioyn'd stooles , and leape ouer 'hem , if you would vse it —

Cle.

Well , agree on 't together Knights ; for betweene you , you diuide the Kingdome , or Common-wealth of Ladies affections : I see it , and can perceiue a little how they obserue you , and fear you , indeed . You could tell strange Stories , my Masters , if you would , I know .

Daw .

Faith , we haue seene somewhat , Sir .

La-F.

That we haue — Vellet Petticoates , and wrought Smocks , or so .

Daw .

I , and —

Nay , out with it , Sir Iohn : doe not enuie your friend the pleasure of hearing , when you haue had the delight of tasting .

Daw .

Why — a — doe you speake , Sir Amorous .

La-F.

No , doe you , Sir Iohn Daw .

Daw .

I'faith , you shall .

La-F.

I'faith , you shall .

Daw .

Why , we haue beene —

La-F.

In the great Bed at Ware together in our time . On , Sir Iohn .

Daw .

Nay , doe you , Sir Amorous .

Cle.

And these Ladies with you , Knights ?

La-F.

No , excuse vs , Sir .

Daw .

We must not wound reputation .

La-F.

No matter — they were these , or others . Our bath cost vs fifteene pound , when we came home .

Cle.

Doe you heare , Sir Iohn , you shall tell mee but one thing truly , as you loue me .

Daw .

If I can , I will , Sir .

Cle.

You lay in the same house with the Bride , here ?

Daw .

Yes , and conuerst with her hourely , Sir .

Cle.

And what humour is she of ? is shee comming , and open , free ?

Daw .

O , exceeding open , Sir . I was her Seruant , and Sir Amorous was to be .

Cle.

Come , you haue both had fauours from her ? I know , and haue heard so much .

Daw .

O , no , Sir .

La-F.

You shall excuse vs , Sir : we must not wound reputation .

Cle.

Tut , she is marryed , now ; and you cannot hurt her with any report , and therefore speake plainly : how many times , yfaith ? which of you lead first ? Ha ?

La-F.

Sir Iohn had her Mayden-head , indeed .

Daw .

O , it pleases him to say so , Sir , but Sir Amorous knowes what 's what , as well .

Cle.

Do'st thou yfaith , Amorous ?

La-F.

In a manner , Sir .

Cle.

Why , I commend you Lads . Little knowes Don Bride groome of this . Nor shall he , for me .

Daw .

Hang him , mad Oxe .

Cle.

Speake softly : here comes his Nephew , with the Ladie Haughty . Hee 'll get the Ladies from you , Sirs , if you looke not to him in time .

La-F.

Why , if he doe , wee 'll fetch 'hem home againe , I warrant you .

Act V. Scene II. Haughtie , Dauphine , Centaure , Mauis , Clerimont .

I Assure you , Sir Dauphine , it is the price and estimation of your vertue only , that hath embarqu'd mee to this aduenture , and I could not but make out to tell you ; nor can I repent me of the act , since it is alwayes an argument of some vertue in our selues , that wee loue and affect it so in others .

Daup.

Your Ladiship sets too high a price , on my weaknesse .

Hau.

Sir , I can distinguish Gemmes from Peebles —

Daup.

( Are you so skilfull in Stones ? )

Hau.

And , howsoever I may suffer in such a iudgement as yours , by admitting equality of ranke , or societie , with Centaure or Mauis —

Daup.

You doe not , Madame , I perceiue they are your mere Foyles .

Hau.

Then are you a friend to truth , Sir . It makes mee loue you the more . It is not the outward , but the inward man that I affect . They are not apprehensiue of an eminent perfection , but loue flat , and dully .

Cen.

Where are you , my Lady Haughty .

Hau.

I come presently , Centawe . My Chamber , Sir , my Page shall show you ; and Trusty , my woman , shall be euer a wake for you : you neede not feare to communicate any thing with her , for shee is a Fidelia . I pray you weare this Iewell for my sake , Sir Dauphine . Where 's Mauis , Centaure ?

Cen.

Within , Madame , a writing . I 'll follow you presently . I 'll but speake a word with Sir Dauphine .

Daup.

With me , Madame ?

Cen.

Good Sir Dauphine , doe not trust Haughty , nor make any credit to her , what euer you doe besides . Sir Dauphine , I giue you this caution , shee is a perfect Courtier ; and loues no body , but for her vses : and for her vses , she loues all . Besides , her Phisicians giue her out to be none o' the cleerest , whether she pay 'hem or no , Heau'n knowes : and she 's abode fiftie too , and pargets ! See her in a fore-noone . Heere comes Mauis , a worse face then shee ! you would not like this , by Candle-light . If you 'll come to my Chamber one o' these Mornings early , or late in an Euening , I 'll tell you more . Where 's Haughty , Mauis ?

Mau.

Within , Centaure .

Cen.

What ha' you , there ?

Mau.

An Italian Riddle for Sir Dauphine , ( you shall not see it yfaith , Centaure . ) Good Sir Dauphine , solue it for me . I 'll call for it anon .

Cle.

How now , Dauphine ? how do'st thou quit thy selfe of these Females ?

Daup.

'Slight , they haunt mee like Fayries , and giue mee Iewels here , I cannot be rid of 'hem ,

Cle

O , you must not tell , though .

Daup.

Masse , I forgot that : I was neuer so assaulted . One loues for vertue , and bribes mee with this . Another loues mee with caution , and so would possesse mee . A third brings mee a Riddle here , and all are iealous : and raile each at other .

Cle.

He reades the Paper . A Riddle ? pray le' mee see 't ? Sir Dauphine , I chose this way of intimation for priuacie . The Ladies here , I know , haue both hope , and purpose , to make a Collegiate and Seruant of you . If I might bee so honour'd , as to appeare at any end of so noble a Worke , I would enter into a fame of taking Phisicke to morrow , and continue you it foure or fiue dayes , or longer , for your visitation . Mauis . By my faith , a subtle one ! Call you this a Riddle ? What 's their plaine dealing , trow ?

Daup.

We lack Tru-wit , to tell vs that .

Cle.

Wee lacke him for somewhat else too : his Knights reformados are wound vp as high , and insolent , as euer they were .

Daup.

You iest .

Cle ,

No Drunkards , either with Wine or Vanitie , euer confess'd such Stories of themselues . I would not giue a Flyes legge , in ballance against all the womens reputations here , if they could be but thought to speake truth : and , for the Bride , they haue made their affidauit against her directly —

Daup.

What , they haue lyen with her ?

Cle.

Yes , and tell times , and circumstances , with the cause why , and the place where . I had almost brought 'hem to affirme that they had done it , to day .

Daup.

Not both of 'hem .

Cle.

Yes faith : with a sooth or two more I had effected it . They would ha' set it downe vnder their hands .

Daup.

Why , they will bee our sport , I see , still ! whether we will , or no .

Act V. Scene III . Tru-wit , Morose , Otter , Cutberd , Clerimont , Dauphine .

O , Are you here ? Come Dauphine , Goe call your Vncle presently . I haue fitted my Diuine , and my Canonist , dyed their Beards and all : the Knaues doe not know themselues they are so exalted , and alter'd . Preferment changes any man . Thou shalt keepe one doore , and I another , and then Clerimont in the midst , that hee may haue no meanes of escape from their cauilling , when they grow hot once againe . And then the women ( as I haue giuen the Bride her instructions ) to breake in vpon him , i' the l'enuoy . O , 't will bee full and twanging ! Away , fetch him . Come , Master Doctor , and Master Parson , looke to your parts now , and discharge 'hem brauely : you are well set forth , performe it as well . If you chance to be out , doe not confesse it with standing still , or humming , or gaping one at another : but go on , and talke alowd , and eagerly , vse vehement action , and onely remember your termes , and you are safe . Let the matter goe where it will : you haue many will doe so . But at first , be very solemne , and graue like your garments , though you lose your selues after , and skip out like a brace of Iugglers on a Table . Here he comes ! set your faces , and looke superciliously , while I present you .

Mor.

Are these the two learned men ?

Tru.

Yes , Sir , please you salute 'hem ?

Mor.

Salute 'hem ? I had rather doe any thing , then weare out time so vnfruitfully , Sir . I wonder , how these common formes , as God saue you , and you are well-come , are come to be a habit in our liues ! or , I am glad to see you ! when I cannot see , what the profit can be of these words , so long as it is no whit better with him , whose affaires are sad , and grieuous , that he heares this salutation .

Tru.

'T is true , Sir , wee 'll goe to the matter then . Gentlemen , Master Doctor , and Master Parson , I haue acquainted you sufficiently with the businesse , for which you are come hither . And you are not now to enforme your selues in the state of the question , I know . This is the Gentleman , who expects your resolution , and therefore , when you please , begin .

Ott.

Please you , Master Doctor .

Cut.

Please you , good Master Parson .

Ott.

I would heare the Canon law speake first .

Cut.

It must giue place to positiue Diunitie , Sir .

Mor.

Nay , good Gentlemen , doe not throw me into circumstances . Let your comforts arrive quickly at me , those that are . Be swift in affoording mee my peace , if so I shall hope any . I loue not your Dispurations , or your Court-tumults . And that it be not strange to you , I will tell you . My Father , in my education , was woont to aduise mee , that I should alwayes collect , and contayne my mind , not suffring it to flow loosely ; that I should looke to what things were necessarie to the carriage of my life , and what not : embracing the one and eschewing the other . In short , that I should endeare my selfe to rest , and auoid turmoile : which now is growne to bee another nature to mee . So that I come not to your publike pleadings , or your places of noyse ; not that I neglect those things , that make for the dignitie of the Common-wealth : but for the meere auoyding of clamours , and impertinences of Orators , that know not how to bee silent . Aud for the cause of noyse , am I now a sutor to you You doe not know in what a miserie I haue beene exercis'd this day , what a torrent of euill ! My very House turnes round with the tumult ! I dwell in a Wind-mill ! The perpetuall about motion is here , and not at Eltham .

Tru.

Well , good Master Doctor , will you breake the ice ? Master parson will wade after .

Cut.

Sir , though vnworthy , and the weaker , I will presume .

Ott.

'T is no presumption , Domine Doctor .

Mor.

Yet againe !

Cut.

Your question is , for how many causes a man may haue diuortium legitimum , a lawfull Diuorce . First , you must vnderstand the nature of the word Diuorce , a diuertendo —

Mor.

No excursions vpon words , good Doctor , to the question briefly .

Cut.

I answere then , the Canon-law affords Diuorce but in few cases , and the principall is in the common case , the adulterous case . But there are duodecim impedimenta , twelue impediments ( as wee call 'hem ) all which doe not dirimere contractum , but irritum reddere matrimonium , as wee say in the Canon-law , not take away the bond , but cause a nullitie therein .

Mor.

I vnderstood you , before : good Sir , auoyd your impertinencie of Translation .

Ott.

He cannot open this too much , Sir , by your fauour .

Mor.

Yet more !

Tru.

O , you must giue the learned men leaue , Sir . To your impediments , Master Doctor .

Cut.

The first is impedimentum erroris .

Ott.

Of which there are seuerall species .

Cut.

I , as error personae .

Ott.

If you contract your selfe to one person , thinking her another .

Cut.

Then , error fortunae .

Ott.

If she be a Begger , and you thought her rich .

Cut.

Then , error qualitatis .

Ott.

If shee prooue stubborne , or head-strong , that you thought obedient .

Mor.

How ? is that , Sir , a lawfull impediment ? One at once , I pray you Gentlemen .

Ott.

I , ante copulam , but not post copulam , Sir .

Cut.

Master Parson sayes right . Nec post nuptiarum benedictionem . It doth indeed but irrita reddere sponsalia , annull the Contract : after Marriage it is of no obstancy .

Tru.

Alas , Sir , what a hope are wee fall'n from , by this time !

Cut.

The next is conditio : if you thought her free borne , and shee prooue a bond-woman , there is impediment of estate and condition .

Ott.

I , but Master Doctor , those seruitudes are sublate , now , among vs Christians .

Cut.

By your fauour , Master Parson —

Ott.

You shall giue me leaue , Master Doctor .

Mor.

Nay , Gentlemen , quarrell not in that question ; it concernes not my case : passe to the third .

Cut.

Well then , the third is votum . If either partie haue made a vow of Chastitie . But that practice , as Master Parson said of the other , is taken away among vs , thankes bee to discipline . The fourth is cognatio : if the persons bee of kinne , within the degrees .

Ott.

I : doe you know , what the degrees are , Sir ?

Mor.

No , nor I care not , Sir : they offer me no comfort in the question , I am sure ,

Cut.

But , there is a branch of this impediment may , which is cognatio spiritualis . If you were her Godfather , Sir , then the Marriage is incestuous .

Ott.

That comment is absurd , and superstitious , Master Doctor . I cannot endure it . Are wee not all Brothers and Sisters , and as much a kinne in that , as God-fathers , and God-daughters ?

Mor.

O me ! to end the Controuersie , I neuer was a Godfather , I neuer was a God-father in my life , Sir . Passe to the next .

Cut.

The sift is crimen adulterij : the knowne Case . The sixt , cultus disparitas , difference of Religion : haue you euer examin'd her what Religion she is of ?

Mor.

No , I would rather shee were of none , then bee put to the trouble of it !

Ott.

You may haue it done for you , Sir .

Mor.

By no meanes , good Sir , on to the rest : shall you euer come to an end , thinke you ?

Tru.

Yes , he has done halfe , Sir . ( On , to the rest ) be patient , and expect , Sir .

Cut.

The seuenth is , vis : if it were vpon compulsion , or force .

Mor.

O no , it was too voluntary , mine : too voluntary .

Cut.

The eighth is , ordo : if euer shee haue taken holy Orders .

Ott.

That 's superstitious , too .

Mor.

No matter , Master Parson : would she would goe into a Nunnerie yet .

Cut.

The ninth is , ligamen : if you were bound , Sir , to any other before .

Mor.

I thrust my selfe too soone into these Fetters .

Cut.

The tenth is , publica honestas : which is inchoata quaedam affinitas .

Ott.

I , or affinitas orta ex sponsalibus : and is but leue impedimentum .

Mor.

I feele no ayre of comfort blowing to mee , in all this .

Cut.

The eleuenth is , affinitas ex fornicatione .

Ott.

Which is no lesse vera affinitas , then the other Master Doctor .

Cut.

True , quae oritur ex legitimo matrimonio .

Ott.

You say right , venerable Doctor . And , nascitur ex co , quod per coniugium duae personae efficiuntur vna caro —

Mor.

Hey-day , now they beginne .

Cut.

I conceiue you , Master Parson . Ita per fornicationem aeque est verus pater , qui sic generat —

Ott.

Et vere filius qui sic generatur —

Mor.

What 's all this to me ?

Cle.

Now it growes warme .

Cut.

The twelfth , and last is , si forte coire nequibis .

Ott.

I , that is impedimentum grauissimum . It doth vtterly annull , and annihilate , that . If you haue manifestam frigiditatem , you are well , Sir .

Tru.

Why , there is comfort come at length , Sir . Confesse your selfe but a man vnable , and shee will sue to be diuorc'd first .

Ott.

I , or if there be morbus perpetuus , & insanabilis , as Paralysis , Elephantiasis , or so —

Daup.

O , but frigiditas is the fairer way , Gentlemen .

Ott.

You say troth , Sir , and as it is in the Canon Master Doctor .

Cut.

I conceiue you , Sir .

Cle.

Before he speakes .

Ott.

That a Boy , or child , vnder yeeres , is not fit for marriage , because he cannot reddere debitum . So your omnipotentes —

Tru.

Your impotentes , you whorson Lobster .

Ott.

Your impotentes , I should say , are minime apti ad contrahenda matrimonium .

Tru.

Matrimonium ? We shall haue most vn-matrimoniall Latin , with you : Matrimonia , and be hang'd .

Doup.

You put 'hem out , man .

Cut.

But then there will arise a doubt , Master Parson , in our Case , post Matrimonium : that frigiditate praeditus ( doe you conceiue me , Sir ? )

Ott.

Very well , Sir .

Cut.

Who cannot vti vxore pro vxore , may habere cam pro sorore .

Ott.

Absurd , absurd , absurd , and meerly Apostaticall .

Cut.

You shall pardon me , Master Parson , I can proue it .

Ott.

You can prooue a Will , Master Doctor , you can prooue nothing else . Do's not the Verse of your owne Caxan say , Haec socianda vetant connubia , facta retractant —

Cut.

I grant you , but how doe they retractare , Master Parson ?

Mor.

( O , this was it , I fear'd . )

Ott.

In aeternum , Sir .

Cut.

That 's false in Diuinitie , by your fauour .

Ott.

'T is false in humanitie , to say so . Is hee not prorsus inutilis ad Thorum ? Can he praestare fidem datam ? I would faine know .

Cut.

Yes : how if he doe conualere ?

Ott.

He cannot connulere , it is impossible .

Tru.

Nay , good Sir , attend the learned men , they 'll thinke you neglect 'hem else .

Cut.

Or , if he doe simulare himselfe frigidum , odio vxoris , or so ?

Ott.

I say , he is adulter manifestus , then .

Daup.

( They dispute it very learnedly , yfaith . )

Ott.

And prostitutor vxoris , and this is positiue .

Mor.

Good Sir , let me escape .

Tru.

You will not doe me that wrong , Sir ?

Ott.

And therefore , if he be manifeste frigidus , Sir —

Cut.

I , if he be manifeste frigidus , I grant you —

Ott.

Why , that was my conclusion .

Cut.

And mine too .

Tru.

Nay , heare the conclusion , Sir .

Ott.

Then frigiditatis causa —

Cut.

Yes , causa frigiditatis —

Mor.

O , mine eares !

Ott.

She may haue libellum diuortij , against you .

Cut.

I , diuorty libellum she will sure haue .

Mor.

Good Eccho's , forbeare .

Ott.

If you confesse it .

Cut.

Which I would doe , Sir —

Mor.

I will doe any thing —

Ott.

And cleere my selfe in Foro Conscientiae —

Cut.

Because you want indeed —

Mor.

Yet more ?

Ott.

Exercende potestate .

Act V. Scene IIII . Epicoene , Morose , Haughty , Centaure , Mauis , Mistris Otter , Daw , Tru-wit , Dauphine , Clerimont , La-Foole , Otter , Cutherd .

I Wil not endure it any longer . Ladies , I beseech you helpe me . This is such a wrong , as neuer was offer'd to poore Bride before . Vpon her Marriage day , to haue her Husband conspire against her , and a couple of Mercinary Companions , to be brought in for formes sake , to perswade a Separation ! If you had bloud , or vertue in you , Gentlemen , you would not suffer such Eare-wigs about a Husband , or Scorpions , to creepe betweene Man and Wife —

Mor.

O , the varietie , and changes of my torment !

Hau.

Let 'hem bee cudgell'd out of doores , by our Groomes .

Cen.

I 'll lend you my Foot-man .

Mau.

Wee 'll haue our men blanket 'hem i' the Hall .

Mrs. Ot.

As there was one , at our House , Madame , for peeping in at the doore .

Daw .

Content , yfaith .

Tru.

Stay , Ladies , and Gentlemen , you 'll heare , before u proceed ?

Mau.

I 'lld ha' the Bride-groome blanketted , too .

Cen.

Begin with him first .

Hau.

Yes , by my troth .

Mor.

O , Mankind Generation !

Daup.

Ladies , for my sake forbeare .

Hau.

Yes , for Sir Dauphines sake .

Cen.

He shall command vs .

La-F.

Hee is as fine a Gentleman of his inches , Madame , as any is about the Towne , and weares as good colours when he lift .

Tru.

Bee briefe , Sir , and confesse your infirmitie , shee 'll be a-fire to be quit of you , if she but heare that nam'd once , you shall not entreat her to stay . Shee 'll flye you , like one that had the markes vpon him .

Mor.

Ladies , I must craue all your pardons —

Tru.

Silence , Ladies .

Mor.

For a wrong I haue done to your whole sexe , in marrying this faire , and vertuous Gentlewoman —

Cle.

Heare him , good Ladies .

Mor.

Being guiltie of an infirmitie , which before I conferr'd with these learned men , I thought I might haue conceald —

Tru.

But now being better inform'd in his conscience by them , hee is to declare it , and giue satisfaction , by asking your publique forgiuenesse .

Mor.

I am no man , Ladies .

All .

How !

Mor.

Vtterly vn-abled in nature , by reason of frigiditie , to performe the duties , or any the least office of a Husband .

Mau.

Now , out vpon him , prodigious creature !

Cen.

Bride-groome vncarnate .

Hau.

And would you offer it to a yong Gentlewoman ?

Mrs. Ot.

A Lady of her longings ?

Epi.

Tut , a deuice , a deuice , this , it smels rankly , Ladies . A mere comment of his owne .

Tru.

Why , if you suspect that , Ladies , you may haue him search'd .

Daw .

As the custome is , by a Iurie of Physitians .

La-F.

Yes faith , 't will be braue .

Mor.

O me , must I vndergoe that !

Mrs. Ot.

No , let women search him , Madame : wee can doe it our selues .

Mor.

Our on me , worse !

Epi.

No Ladies , you shall not need , I 'll take him with all his faults .

Mor.

Worst of all !

Cle.

Why , then 't is no Diuorce , Doctor , if shee consent not ?

Cut.

No , if the man be frigidus , it is de parte vxoris , that we grant Libellum diuorty , in the Law .

Ott.

I , it is the same in Theologie .

Mor.

Worse , worse then worst !

Tru.

Nay , Sir , be not vtterly dis-heartned , wee haue yet a small relike of hope left , as neare as our comfort is blowne out . Clerimont , produce your brace of Knights . What was that , Master Parson , you told me in errore qualitatis e'ne now ? Dauphine , whisper the Bride , that she carry it as if she were guiltie , and asham'd .

Ott.

Mary Sir , in errore qualitatis ( which Master Doctor did forbeare to vrge ) if she be found corupta , that is , vitiated or broken vp , that was pro virgine desponsa , espous'd for a Maid —

Mor.

What then , Sir ?

Ott.

It doth dirimere contractum , and irritum reddere too .

Tru.

If this bee true , wee are happy againe , Sir , once more . Here are an honourable brace of Knights , that shall affirme so much .

Daw .

Pardon vs , good Master Clerimont .

La-F.

You shall excuse vs , Master Clerimont .

Cle.

Nay , you must make it good now , Knights , there is no remedie , I 'll eate no words for you , nor no men : you know you spoke it to me ?

Daw .

Is this Gentleman-like-like , Sir ?

Tru.

Iack Daw , hee 's worse then Sir Amorous : fiercer a great deale . Sir Amorous , beware , there bee tenne Dawes in this Clerimont .

La-F.

I 'll confesse it , Sir .

Daw .

Will you , Sir Amorous ? will you wound reputation ?

La-F.

I am resolu'd .

Tru.

So should you be too , Iack Daw : what should keep you off ? shee is but a woman , and in disgrace . Hee 'll bee glad on 't .

Daw .

Will he ? I thought he would ha' beene angry .

Cle.

You will dispatch , Knights , it must bee done , yfaith .

Tru.

Why , an' it must it shall , Sir , they say . They 'll ne're goe backe . Doe not tempt his patience .

Daw .

It is true indeed , Sir .

La-F.

Yes , I assure you , Sir .

Mor.

What is true Gentlemen ? what doe you assure me ?

Daw .

That we haue knowne your Bride , Sir —

La-F.

In good fashion . Shee was our Mistris , or so —

Cle.

Nay , you must bee plaine , Knights , as you were to mee .

Ott.

I , the question is , if you haue carnaliter , or no .

La-F.

Carnaliter ? what else , Sir ?

Ott.

It is enough : a plaine nullitie .

Epi.

I am vn-done , I am vn-done !

Mor.

O , let me worship and adore you , Gentlemen !

Epi.

I am vndone !

Mor.

Yes , to my hand , I thanke these Knights : Master Parson , let me thanke you otherwise .

Cen.

And , ha' they confess'd ?

Mau.

Now out vpon 'hem , Informers !

Tru.

You see , what creatures you may bestow your fauours on , Madames .

Hau.

I would except against 'hem as beaten Knights , Wench , and not good Witnesses in Law .

Mrs. Ot.

Poore Gentlewoman , how she takes it !

Hau.

Be comforted , Morose , I loue you the better for 't .

Cen.

So doe I , I protest .

Cut.

But Gentlemen , you haue not knowne her , since matrimonium ?

Daw .

Not to day , Master Doctor .

La F.

No , Sir , not to day .

Cut.

Why , then I say , for any act before , the matrimonium is good and perfect : vnlesse , the worshipfull Bridegroome did precisely , before witnesse demand , if shee were virgo ante nuptias .

Epi.

No , that he did not , I assure you , Master Doctor .

Cut.

If he cannot proue that , it is ratum coniugium , notwithstanding the premises . And they doe no way impedire . And this is my Sentence , this I pronounce .

Ott.

I am of Master Doctors resolution too , Sir : if you made not that demand , ante nuptias .

Mor.

O my heart ! wilt thou breake ? wilt thou breake ? this is worst of all worst worsts ! that Hell could haue deuis'd ! Marry a Whore ! and so much noise !

Daup.

Come , I see now plaine confederacie in this Doctor , and this Parson , to abuse a Gentleman . You studie his affliction . I pray' bee gone companions . And Gentlemen , I begin to suspect you for hauing parts with 'hem . Sir , will it please you heare me ?

Mor.

O , doe not talke to me , take not from me the pleasure of dying in silence , Nephew .

Daup.

Sir , I must speake to you . I haue beene long your poore despis'd Kins-man , and many a hard thought has strength'ned you against me : but now it shall appeare if either I loue you or your peace , and preferre them to all the World beside . I will not be long or grieuous to you , Sir . If I free you of this vnhappy match absolutely , and instantly after all this trouble , and almost in your despaire , now —

Mor.

( It cannot be . )

Daup.

Sir , that you bee neuer troubled with a murmure of it more , what shall I hope for , or deserue of you ?

Mor.

O , what thou wilt , Nephew ! thou shalt deserue me , and haue me .

Daup.

Shall I haue your fauour perfect to mee , and loue hereafter ?

Mor.

That , and any thing beside . Make thine owne conditions . My whole estate is thine . Manage it , I will become thy Ward .

Daup.

Nay , Sir , I will not be so vnreasonable .

Epi.

Will Sir Dauphine be mine enemie too ?

Daup.

You know , I haue beene a long Suter to you , Vncle , that out of your estate , which is fifteen hundred a yeere , you would allow me but fiue hundred during life , and assure the rest vpon mee after : to which I haue often , by my selfe and friends tendred you a writing to signe , which you would neuer consent , or incline too . If you please to effect it now —

Mor.

Thou shalt haue it , Nephew . I will doe it , and more .

Daup.

If I quit you not presently ? and for-euer of this cumber , you shall haue power instantly , afore all these , to reuoke your act , and I will become , whose Slaue you will giue me to , for-euer .

Mor.

Where is the Writing ? I will seale to it , that , or to a Blanke , and write thine owne conditions .

Epi.

O me , most vnfortunate wretched Gentlewoman !

Hau.

Will Sir Dauphine doe this ?

Epi.

Good Sir , haue some compassion on me .

Mor.

O , my Nephew knowes you belike : away Crocodile .

Cen.

He do's it not sure , without good ground .

Daup.

Here , Sir .

Mor.

Come Nephew : giue me the Pen . I will subscribe to any thing , and seale to what thou wilt , for my deliuerance . Thou art my restorer . Here , I deliuer it thee as my Deed . If there bee a word in it lacking , or writ with false Orthographie , I protest before — I will not take the aduantage .

Daup.

Then here is your release , 〈…〉 Sir : you haue marryed a Boy : a Gentlemans sonne , that I haue brought vp this halfe yeere , at my great charges , and for this composition , which I haue now made with you . What say you , Master Doctor ? this is iustum impedimentum , I hope , error personae ?

Ott.

Yes Sir , in primo gradu .

Cut.

In primo graou .

Daup.

He puls off their beards , and disguise . I thanke you , good Doctor Cutberd , and Parson Otter . You are beholden to 'hem , Sir , that haue taken this paines for you : and my friend , Master Tru-wit , who enabled 'hem for the businesse . Now you may goe in and rest , be as priuate as you will , Sir . I 'll not trouble you , till you trouble me with your Funerall , which I care not how soone it come . Cutberd , I 'll make your Lease good . Thanke me not , but with your legge , Cutberd . And Tom Otter , your Princesse shall be reconcil'd to you . How now , Gentlemen ! doe you looke at me ?

Cle.

A Boy .

Daup.

Yes , Mistris Epicoene .

Tru.

Well , Dauphine , you haue lurch'd your friends of the better halfe of the Garland , by concealing this part of the plot : but much good doe it thee , thou deseru'st it , Lad . And Clerimont , for thy vnexpected bringing in these two to confession , weare my part of it freely . Nay , Sir Daw , and Sir La-Foole , you see the Gentlewoman that has done you the fauours ! we are all thankfull to you , and so should the woman-kind here , specially for lying on her , though not with her ! You meant so , I am sure ? But , that wee haue stuck it vpon you to day , in your owne imagin'd persons , and so lately ; this Amazon , the Champion of the sexe , should beat you now thriftily , for the common slanders , which Ladies receiue from such Cuckowes , as you are . You are they , that when no merit or fortune can make you hope to enioy their bodies , will yet lye with their reputations , and make their fame suffer . Away you common Moths of these , and all Ladies honours , Goe , trauaile to make legges and faces , and come home with some new matter to be laught at : you deserue to liue in an Ayre as corrupted , as that wherewith you feed rumour . Madames , you are mute , vpon this new Metamorphosis ! but here stands she , that has vindicated your fames . Take heed of such insectae hereafter . And let it not trouble you that you haue discouer'd any Mysteries to this yong Gentleman . He is ( a'most ) of yeeres , and will make a good Visitant within this twelue-month . In the meane time , wee 'l all vndertake for his secrecie , that can speake so well of his silence . Spectators , if you like this Comoedie , rise cheerfully , and now Morose is gone in , clap your hands . It may bee , that noyse will cure him , at least please him .

THE END