Ram Alley

RAM-ALLEY : Or Merrie-Trickes . A COMEDY Diuers times here-to-fore acted By the Children of the Kings Reuels .

Written by Lo: Barrey .

AT LONDON Printed by G. Eld , for Robert Wilson , and are to be sold at his shop in Holborne , at the new gate of Grayes Inne . 1611 .

The Prologue . HOme-bred mirth our Muse doth sing , The Satyres tooth and Waspish sting , Which most do hurt when least suspected , By this Play are not affected ; But if Conceit with quick-turn'd Sceanes , Obseruing all those ancient streames , Which from the Horse-foot fount do flow , As Time , Place , Person , and to show , Things neuer done with that true life , That thoughts and wits shall stand at strife , Whether the things now shewne be true , Or whether wee our selues now do The things wee but present : if these Free from the loathsome stage disease , ( So ouer-worne , so tirde and stale , Not Satyring but to raile , ) May win your fauours , and inherit But calme acceptance for his merit : A vowes by Paper , Pen and Inke , And by the learned Sisters drinke , To spend his Time , his Lamps , his Oyle , And neuer cease his braine to toyle , Till from the silent houres of night , Hee doth produce for your delight , Conceits so new , so harmlesse free , That Puritanes them-selues may see A Play , yet not in publique Preach , That Players such lewd doctrine teach That their pure ioynts do quake and tremble , When they doe see a man resemble The Picture of a Villaine : This As hee a friend to Muses is , To you by mee a giues his word , Is all his Play doth now affoord . FINIS .

Actorum nomina . Sir Oliuer Smale-shankes . Iustice Tutchin . Thomas Smale-shankes . William Smalshankes . Boutcher . Lieftenant Beard . Throte . Captaine Face . Dash . Three Gentlemen . A Drawer . Constable and Officers . Women . Lady Sommerfield , Constantia Somerfield . Francis . Taffata . Adriana , Chamber-maide .

Ramme-Alley . Actus 1. Scaena 1 , Enter Constantia sola , with a letter in her hand . Const. IN this disguise , ( ere scarce my mourning robes ) Could haue a generall note , I haue forsooke , My shape , my mother . and those ritch demeanes , Of which I am sole heyre , and now resolue , In this disguise of Page to follow him , Whose loue first caused me to assume this shape . Lord how my feminine bloud stirs at the sight Of these same breeches , me thinkes this cod-peece Should betray mee : well , I will trye the worst , Hether they say hee vsually doth come , Whom I so much affect , what makes he heere In the skirts of Holborne , so neere the field , And at a garden house , a has some punke Vpon my life : no more heere hee comes . Enter Boutcher . God saue you sir : your name vnlesse I erre , Is maister Thomas Boutcher . Bou.

'T is sweet boy . Con. deliuers the lett .

Con.

I haue a letter for you .

Bou.

From whom i st ,

Con. The inside sir will tell you : I shall see he reads it . What loue he beares me now . Bou. Th' art welcome boy . How does the faire Constantia Somerfield , My noble mistresse . Con.

I left her in health .

Bou. Shee giues thee heere good words , and for her sake , Thou shalt not want a maister , be mine for euer . Con.

I thanke you sir : now shall I see the Punke . he knocks

Enter William Small-shanke . W. Sm.

Who knocks so fast ? I thought 't was you , what news .

Bout .

You know my businesse well , I sing one song .

W. Sm. Foot , what would you haue me do , my land is gon , My credit of lesse trust then Courtiers words To men of iudgment , and for my debts I might deserue a Knight-hood ; what 's to be done ? The Knight my father will not once vouchsafe To call me sonne ; That little land a gaue , Throte the Lawyer swallowed at one gob , For lesse then halfe the worth , and for the Citty There be so many rascals , and tall yeomen Would hang vpon me for their maintenance , Should I but peepe or step within the gates , That I am forst onely to ease my charge , To liue here in the suburbes : or in the towne To walke in Tenebris , I tell you sir , Your best retierd life is an honest Punke In a thatcht house with Garlike : tell not mee , My Punk 's my Punke , and noble Letchery Sticks by a man , when all his friends forsake him . Bou. The Poxe it will , art thou so sencelesse growne , So much indeared to thy bestiall lust , That thy originall worth should lye extinct And buried in thy shame ? farre be such thoughts From spirits free and noble : begin to liue , Know thy selfe , and whence thou art deriu'd , I know that competent state thy father gaue , Cannot be yet consum'd . W.S. 'T is gon by Heauen , Not a denier is left . Bou.

'T is impossible .

W.S. Impossible zart , I haue had two suckers , Able to spend the wealthy Craesus store . Enter Francis . Bou.

What are they ?

W.S. Why a Lawyer and a Whore , See heere comes one , doost thinke this petti-coate , A perfum'd smock , and twice a weeke a bathe , Can be maintain'd with halfe a yeares reuenews , No by Heauen , wee Annuall yonger brothers , Must go to 't by hole-sale , by hole-sale man These creatures are maintaind : her very face Has cost a hundred pound . Fra.

Sir , thanke your selfe .

Con.

They keepe this whore betwixt them .

Fra. You know sir , I did inioy a quiet country life , Spotlesse and free , till you corrupted mee , And brought me to the Court , I neuer knew , What sleeking , glazing , or what pressing meant , Till you preferd me to your Aunt the Lady , I knew no Iuorie teeth , no caps of heire , No Mercury water , fucas , or perfumes , To helpe a Ladies breath , vntill your Aunt , Learnt me the common trick . W.S. The common trick , Say you , a poxe vpon such common tricks , They will vndoe vs all . Bou. And knowing this Art thou so wilfull blind , still to persist In ruine and defame . W.S. What should I doe ? I 'aue past my word to keepe this Gentlewoman , Till I can place her to her owne content , And what is a Gentleman but his word . Bou.

Why let her goe to seruice .

W S. To seruice , Why so shee does , she is my Landeresse , And by this light , no punie Inne a Court But keepes a Landresse at his command To doe him seruice , and shall not I , ha ! Fra. Sir , you are his friend ( I loue him to ) Propound a course which may aduantage him , And you shall finde such reall worth in me , That rather then I le liue his hindrance , I will assume the most penurious state The Citty yeelds , to giue me meanes of life . W. S Why ther 's it , you heare her what she sayes , Would not he be damn'd that should forsake her , Sayes she not well , can you propound a course , To get my forfit land , from yonder roague , Parcell Lawyer , parcell Deuill , all Knaue , Thrate , throate . Bou.

Not I .

W.S. Why so , I thought as much , You are like our Cittizens to men in need , Which cry 't is pitty , a propper Gentleman , Should want mony , yet not an vsuring slaue , Will lend him a denier , to helpe his wants , Will you lend mee forty shillings . Bou.

I will .

W.S. Why God-amercy , there 's some goodnesse in thee , You le not repent . Bou.

I will not .

W. S. With that money I will redeeme my forfit land , and wed My Coccatrice to a man of worship , To a man of worship by this light . Bou.

But how ?

W.S. Thus in Ramme-alley lies a fellow , by name Throte : one that professeth law , but indeed Has neither law nor conscience , a fellow That neuer saw the barre , but when his life Was cald in question for a coosenage , The Rogue is riche , to him go you , tell him That rich Sir Iohn Somerfield . Con.

How 's that ?

W. Is lately dead , and that my hopes stand faire To get his onely daughter . If I speed , And haue but meanes to steale away the wench , Tell him I reckon him my chiefest friend , To entertaine vs till our nuptiall rites May be accomplisht , and could you but procure My elder brother meete me on the way , And but associate me vnto his house , 'T weare hit ifaith , I 'de giue my cunning Throte An honest slit for all his tricks in lawe . Bou. Why this shall be perform'd , take ther 's my store , To friends all things are common . W.S. Then at the court There are none foes , for all things there are common . Bou. I will as carefully performe thy wish , As if my fortunes lay vpon th' attempt . W.S.

When shall I heere from you .

Bou.

Within this houre

W.S. Let me alone for the rest , if I gull not And go beyond my open throted lawyer , For all his booke cases of Tricesimo nono And Quadragessimo octauo : let mee Like waiting Gentlewomen be euer bound , To sit vpon my heeles , and pick rushes , Will you about this geere . Bou.

With my best speed .

W.S.

Then fare you well , yo le meete me .

Bou.

Without faile .

Exit Bouch : and Page . W.S. Adue : now you pernicious Coccatrice , You see how I must skelder for your good , I le bring you where you shall haue meanes to cheate , If you haue grace enough to apprehend it . Fra. Beleeue me loue , how ere some stricter wits , Condemne all women which are prone to loue , And thinke that if their fauour fall on any , By consequence they must be naught with many , And hold a false position , that a woman False to her selfe , can trusty be to no man , Yet know I say , how ere my life hath lost The fame which my Virginity aspyr'd , I will be true to thee , my deed shall mooue , To win from all men pitty , if not loue . W.S. Tut , I know thee a good rascall , le ts in , And on with all your neate and finest ragges . On with your cloake and saue-gard , you arrant drab , You must cheate without all conscience , filtch for thee & me . Do but thou act what I shall well contriue , Wee le teach my Lawyer a new way to thriue . Exeunt . Enter Mistresse Tafata , and Adriana her maid aboue . Taf. Come lou'd Adriana heere let vs sit , And marke who passes ; now for a wager , What colourd bear'd comes next by the window ? Adr.

A black mans I thinke .

Taf. I thinke not so , I thinke a redde , for that is most in fashion , Lord how scarce is the world of propper men And gallants ; sure wee neuer more shall see A good legge worne in a long silke stocking , With a long cod-peece , of all fashions That carried it ifaith , what 's he goes by ? Enter a Cittizen . Adr. A sniueling Cittizen , he is carrying ware , Exit . Vnto some Ladies chamber : but whoe 's this ? Enter T. Smal-shanke reading a letter . Taf.

I know him not , a lookes iust like a foole .

Adr. He 's very braue a may be a Courtier , What s that a reads . Taf. Ah how light a treads For durting his silke stockings , I le tell thee what , A witty woman may with ease distinguish , All men by their noses , as thus : your nose Tuscan is louely , large and brawde , Much like a Goose , your valiant generous nose . A croked smoth and a great puffing nose , Your schollers nose is very fresh and raw For want of fire in winter , and quickly smells , His choppes of mutton , in his dish of porrage . Your Puritan nose is very sharpe and long , And much like your widdows , and with ease can smell , An edefying capon some fiue streets off , Enter Boutcher and Constantia . Adr.

O mistris a very proper gentleman ,

Tafa. And trust me so it is , I neuer saw A man that sooner could captiue my thoughts ( Since I writ widdow ) then this gentleman , I would a would looke vp . Adr. I le laugh so loud That he may here me . Tafa.

That s not so good

Bou.

And spake you with Maister Smalshanke .

Con.

I did .

Bou.

Will a meete his brother .

Con. A said a woud , And I beleeued him , I tell you maister I haue done that for many of these gallants That no man in this towne would do but I . Bo.

What s is that boy .

Con. Why trust them on their words But will you heare the newes which now supplies , The citty with discourse . Bou.

What is it wag

Con. This sir , they say some of our citty dames Were much desirous to see the Baboones Doe their newest trickes , went , saw them , came home , Went to bed , slept , next morning one of them , Being to shift a smocke , sends downe her maide , To warme her one , meane while she gins to thinke On the Babones tricks , and naked in her bed Begins to practise some , at last she stroue , To gett her right leg ouer her head ; thus : And by her actiuity she got it Crosse he shoulder : but not with all her power , Could she reduce it , at last much strugling Tumbles quite from the bed vpon the flower , The maide by this return'd with the warme smocke , And seeing her mistris throwne on the ground Trust vp like a foote-ball , exclaimes , calles helpe , Runnes downe amazd , sweares that her mistris necke Is broke vp comes her husband and neighbours , And finding her thus trus'd , some flatly said She was bewitch , others she was possest , A third said for her pride , the Diuell had set Her face where her rumpe should stand , but at last Her valiant husband steppes me boldly to her , Helpes her ; she a a shamed ; her husband amazed , The neighbours laughing as none forbeare , She tells them of the fatall accident . To which one answers , that if her husband Would leaue his trade , and carry his wife about To doe this tricke in publike , she 'd get more gold Then all the Babones , Calues with two tayles , Or motions what soeuer . Bou.

You are a wag ,

Taf.

He wil be gone if we neglect to stay him .

Adr.

Shall I cough or sneeze .

Taf. Noe I ha 't stand a side , Aye me my handkertcher Adriand , Fabia . Adr.

Mistris ,

Taf. Runne , runne I haue let my handkertcher fall , Gentleman shall I intreate a curtesie , Bur. Within my power your beauty shall command . What curtesie i st . Tas. To stoope and take vp , My handkertcher . Bou.

Your desire is performd .

Taf. Sir most hearty thankes : please you come in Your welcome shall transcend your expectation . Bou. I accept your curtesie , ha ! what s this ? Assayld by feare and hope in a moment . Boucher this womanish passion fits not men , Who know the worth of freedome : shall smyles and eyes With their lasciuious glances conquer him Hath still beene Lord of his affections ? Shall simpring nisenesse load-stones but to fooles , Attract a knowing spirrit : it shall , it dooes , Not Phaebus rising from Auroras lap , Spreds his bright raies with more maiestique grace Then came the glances from her quickning eye And what of this . Con.

By my troth I know not

Bou. I will not enter : continued flames burne strong , I yet am free and reason keepes her seate , Aboue all fond affections yet is she fayre . Enter Adriana . Adr. Sir I bring you thankes for this great curtesie , And if you please to enter I dare presume , My mistris will afford you gratious welcome , Bou.

How doe men call your mistris .

Con.

The man s in loue .

Adr. Her name sir is Mistris Changeable , late wife To maister Tafata Mercer deceast . Bour.

I haue heard she is both rich and beautifull ,

Adr. In th' eyes of such as loue her , iudge your selfe . Please you but pricke forward and enter , Con.

Now will I fall a boord the wating maide ,

Adr.

Fall a boord of me , dost take me for a ship ,

Con.

I And will shoote you betwixt wind and water .

Adr.

Blurt maister gunner your linstocks to short .

Con. Foote how did she know that , dost here sweet hart Should not the page be doing with the maid , Whilst the maister is busie with the mistris , Please you pricke forwards , thou art a wench Likely to goe the way of all flesh shortly Adr.

Whose witty knaue art thou .

Con.

At your seruice .

Ad.

At mine faith , I should breetch thee .

Con.

How breetch me .

Adr. I breetch thee , I haue breetch a taler man , Then you in my time , come in and welcome . Con. Well I see now a ritch well-practis'd baud , May pursse more fees in a summers progresse , Then a well traded lawier in a whole terme , Pandarisme ! why 't is growne a liberall science Or a new sect , and the good professors Will like the Brownist frequent grauell pits shortly , For they vse woods and obscure holes already . Enter . Tafata and Boucher . Not marry a widdow . Bou.

No .

Taf. And why ? Belike you thinke it base and seruant-like , To feed vpon reuersion , you hold vs widdowes , But as a pie thrust to the lower end That hath had many fingers in t before , And is reseru'd for grose and hungry stomackes . Bou.

You much mistake me .

Taff. Come in faith you do : And let me tell you that s but ceremony , For though the Pye bee broken vp before , Yet sayes the prouerbe , the deeper is the sweeter . And though a capons wings and legges be caru'd , The flesh left with the rumpe I hope is sweet . I tell you sir , I haue beene woed , and sued to , By worthy Knights of faire demeanes : nay more , They haue bin out of debt , yet till this houre , I neither could indure , to be in loue . Or be beloued , but proferd ware is cheape . what s lawfull that s loathd , and things denied , Are with more stronger appetite persude . I am to yeelding . Bou. You mistake my thoughts . But know thou wonder of this continent , By one more skyld in vnknowne fate , then was , The blind Achaian Prophet , It was foretold , A widdow should indanger both my life , My soule , my lands , and reputation , This cheks my thoughs , and cooles th' ssentiall fire , Of sacred loue ; more ardent in my brest Then speech can vtter . Taf. A triuiall Idle ieast , T is for a man , of your repute , and note , To credit fortunetellers , a petty rogue , That neuer saw fiue shillings , in a heape Will take vpon him to diuine mens fate , Yet neuer knowes himselfe , shall die a begger , Or be hanged vp for pilfering tablecloaths , Shirts and smocks , hanged out to dry on hedges , T is meerely base , to trust them , or if there be , A man in whome the Delphicke , God hath breathed , His true diuining fire , that can foretell , The fixt decree of fate , he likewise knowes , What is within the euerlasting booke , Of Desteny decreed cannot by wit , Or mans Inuention be disolued , or shund , Then giue thy loue free scope imbrace and kisse , And to the distafe sisters leaue th' euent , Bou. How powerfull are their words whome we affect , Small force shall need , to winne the strongest fort , If to his state the Captaine be perfidious , I must intreate you licence my depart For some few houres . Taf. Choose what you will of time , There lyes your way . Bou.

I will intreate her , stay .

Taf.

Did you call sir .

Bou.

No .

Taf.

Then fare you well .

Bou.

Who gins to loue , needs not a second Hell .

Ent. Adr. Taf.

Adriana , makes a no stay .

Adr.

Mistris .

Taf. I prythee see if hee haue left the house , Peepe close , see , but be not seene : is a gon . Adr.

No , has made a stand .

Ta.

I prethee keepe close .

Ad.

Nay , keep you close y 'ad best .

Taf.

What does he now ?

Adr.

Now a retiers .

Bou, O you much partiall gods ! Why gaue you men affections , and not a power To gouerne them ? what I by fate should shunne , I most affect , a widdow , a widdow . Taf.

Blowes the wind there .

Adr. A ha , h 'is in ifaith , Yo 'aue drawne him now within your purlews mistresse . Bou. Tut I will not loue , my rationall And better parts shall conquer blind affections , Let passion children , or weake women sway , My loue shall to my iudgement still obay . Taf.

What does he now ?

Adr.

H 'is gon .

Taf.

Gon Adriana .

Adr.

A went his way , and neuer lookt behind him .

Taf.

Sure he 's taken .

Adr. A little sing'd or so , Each thing must haue beginning , men must prepare Before they can come on , and show their loues In pleasing sort : the man will doe in time , For loue good Mistresse is much like to waxe , The more 't is rub'd , it sticks the faster too , Or like a bird in bird-lime , or a pit-fall , The more a labours , still the deeper in . Taf. Come , thou must helpe me now , I haue a trick To second this beginning , and in the nick , To strike it dead ifaith , women must woe , When men forget what Nature leads them too . Enter Throte the Lawyer from his study bookes and bags of money on a Table , a chaire and cushion . Thr. Chast Phoebe , splende ; there 's that left yet , Next to my booke , Claro micante Auro , I that 's the soule of lawe : that 's it , that 's it , For which the Buckrome bag must trudge all weathers : Though scarcely fild with one poore replication , How happy are we that wee ioy the law , So freely as we doe ; not bought and sold , But clearely giuen , without all base extorting , Taking but bare ten Angels for a fee , Or vpward : to this renown'd estate , Haue I by indirect and cunning meanes , In-wouen my selfe , and now can scratch it out , Thrust at a barre , and cry my Lord as low'd , As ere a listed gowne-man of them all . I neuer plead before the honor'd bench , But bench right-worshipfull of peacefull Iustices And Country-Gentlemen , and yet I 'aue found Good gettings by the Masse , besides od cheates , Will Small-shankes lands and many garboyles more , Dash.

Dash Sir .

Thr.

Is that reioynder done .

Da.

Done sir .

Thr. Haue you drawn 't at length , haue you dasht it out , According to your name . Das.

Some scauen-score sheetes .

Thr. Is the demurror drawne twixt Snip and Woodcock , And what doe you say to Peacocks pittifull bill , Das.

I haue drawne his answer negatiue to all .

Thr. Negatiue to all . The plaintiue sayes , That William Goose , was sonne to Thomas Goose , And will a sweare the generall bill is false . Das.

A will .

Thr. Then he forsweares his father , 't is well , Some of our clients will go prig to hell Before ourselues ; has a paide all his fees . Das.

A lest them all with me .

Thr. Then trusse my points , And how thinkst thou of law ? Das. Most reuerently , Law is the worlds great light , a second sunne , To this terrestriall Globe , by which all things Haue life and being , and with-out which Confusion and disorder soone would seaze The generall state of men , warres , outrages , The vlcerous deeds of peace , it curbes and cures , It is the kingdomes eye , by which shee sees The acts and thoughts of men . Thr. The kingdomes eye , I tell thee foole , it is the kingdomes nose , By which she smells out all these rich transgressors , Nor i st of flesh but meerely made of wax , And t is , within the power of vs Lawiers , To wrest this nose of waxe which way we please . Or it may be as thou saist an eye indeed . But if it be t is sure a womans eye knocke within . That s euer rowling . Das.

one knocks .

Thr. Go see who t is , Stay , my chaire , and gowne , and then go see who knocks . Thus must I seeme a Lawyer which am indeed , But meerly dregs and offscumme of the Law , En. Bou. Dash . and Consta. I tricesimo primo Alberti Magni T is very cleere . Bou.

God saue you sir .

Thr. The place is very pregnant , Maister Boucher ; Most harty welcome sir . Bou.

You study hard ,

Thr.

No I haue a cushion .

Bou. You ply this geere , You are no trewant in the law , I see . Thr. Faith some hundred bookes in folio I haue Turnd ouer to better my owne knowledge , But that is nothing for a studient , Bou. Or a Stationer they turne them ouer too , But not as you doe gentill Maister Throat , And what ? the Law speakes profit does it not ? Thr. Faith some bad angells haunt vs now and then , But what brought you hether . Bou.

Why these smale legs ,

Thr.

You are conceited sir ,

Bou. I am in Law . But let that goe , and tell me how you doe , How does Will Smalshankes and his louely bride , Th. Introth you make me blush , I should haue ask't , His health of you , but t is not yet to late . Bou.

Nay good sir Throat forbeare your quillets now ,

Thr. By Heauen I deale most plaine , I saw him not , Since last I tooke his Morgage . Bou. Sir be not nyce , ( Yet I must needs herein commend your loue ) To let me see him ; for know I know him wed , And that a stole away Sommerfields heire , Therefore suspect me not I am his friend , Thr. How wed to ritch Sommerfields onely heyre , Is old Sommerfield dead ? Bou.

Do you make it strang ?

Thr.

By heauen I know it nor .

Bou. Then am I greeued . I spake so much ( but that I know you loue him . And is reseru'd for grose and hungry stomackes . Bou.

You much mistake me .

Taff. Come in faith you do : And let me tell you that s but ceremony , For though the Pye bee broken vp before , Yet sayes the prouerbe , the deeper is the sweeter . I should intreat your secresie sir , fare you well . Thro. Nay good sir stay , if ought you can disclose Of Maister Smale-shankes good , let me pertake , And make me glad in knowing his good hap . Bou. You much indeere him sir , and from your loue , I dare presume you make your selfe a fortune If his fayre hopes proceede . Thr.

Say on good sir .

Bou.

You will be secret .

Thr.

Or be my tongue torne out .

Bouch. Measure for a Lawyer , but to the poynt Has stole Somerfields heyre hether a brings her As to a man on whom a may rely His life and fortunes : you hath a named Already for the Steward of his lands , To keepe his Courts , and to collect his rent , To let out Leases and to rayse his fines , Nothing that may , or loue , or profit bring , But you are named the man . Thr. I am his slaue And bound vnto his noble curtesie - Euen with my life , I euer said a would thriue , And I protest I kept his forfeit morgage , To let him know what t is to liue in want . Bour.

I thinke no lesse , one word more in priuate .

Con.

Good Maister Dash shall I put you now a case .

Dash.

Speake on good Maister Page .

Con. Then thus it is , Suppose I am a Page , he is my Maister , My Maister goes to bed and cannot tell What monei 's in his hose , I ere next day Haue filcht out some , what action lies for this . Dash. An action boy , cald firking the Posteriors , With vs your action sildome comes in question : For that t is knowne that most of your Gallants Are sildome so well stor'd , that they forget What mone'i 's in theyr hose , but if they haue , There is noe other helpe then sweare the page And put him to his oath . Con, Then fecks-law , Dost thinke that he has conscience to steale , Has not a conscience likewise to deny . Then hange him vp ifayth . Bou.

I must meete him ,

Thr. Commend me to them , come when they will , My dores stand open and all within is theirs And though Ramme stinks with Cookes and ale , Yet say ther s many a worthy lawyers chamber , Buts vpon Rame-alley , I haue still an open throte , If ought I haue which may procure his good , Bid him command , I , though it be my blod . Ex.

Actus Secundi . Scena Prima . Enter Oliuer Smaleshanke , Thomas Smale Shanke . S. Oli.

Is this the place you were appoynted to meete him .

Tho. S.

Soe Boutcher sent me word .

Si. O. I find it true , That wine , good newes , and a young holsome wentch Chere vp an old mans bloud , I tel thee boy , I am right harty glad , to heare thy brother ; Hath got so great an heire ; now were my selfe , So well bestowed I should reioyce ifaith . Th. S.

I hope you shall doe well .

S.O. No doubt , no doubt . A sirra has a borne the wentch away , My sonne ifaith , my very sonne ifaith , When I was young and had an able backe , And wore the brissell on my vpper lipe , In good Decorum I had as good conuayance , And could haue ferd , and ferkt y' away a wench , As soone as eare a man a liue ; tut boy , I had my winks , my becks treads on the toe , Wrings by the fingers , smyles and other quirkes , Noe Courtier like me , your Courtiers all are fooles , To that which I could doe , I could haue done it boy . Euen to a hare , and that some Ladies knowe , Th. S. Sir I am glad this match may reconcile , Your loue vnto my brother . Si. O. T is more then soe . I le seeme offended still though I am glad , Enter Willian Smals-shanke Francis , Beard booted . Has got rich Sommer-fields heyre . Wi. S. Come wench of gold , For thou shalt get me gold , besides od ends Of siluer : wee le purchase house and land , By thy bare gettings , wentch , by thy bare gettings , How saiest Lieftenant-Beard , does she not looke Like a wentch newly stole from a window ? Bea. Exceeding well she carries it by Ioue ; And if she can forbeare her Rampant tricke , And but hold close a while t will take by Mars . Fra. How now you slaue ? my rampant trickes you rogue , Nay feare not me my onely feare is still , Thy filthy face betrayes vs , for all men know , Thy nose stands compas like a bow , Which is three quarters drawne , thy head . Which is with greasy haire ore-spred , And being vncurld and blacke as cole , Doth show some Scullion in a hole Begot thee on a Gipsie , or Thy mother was some Colliers whore My rampant tricks you rogue , thou 't be descride Before our plot be ended . W, S. What should descry him , Vnlesse it be his nose ? and as for that ; Thou maist protest a was thy fathers butler , And for thy loue is likewise runne away , Nay sweet Lieftenant now forbeare to puffe , And let the brissells of thy beard growe downe-ward , Reuerence my Punke and Pandarize a little , Ther s many of thy ranke that doe professe it , Yet hold it noe disparagment . Bea. I shall doe , What fits an honest man . Wi. S. Why that s enough , Foote my Father and the goose my brother , Backe you two . Bea.

Backe .

Wi. S. Retyer sweet Lieftenant , And come not on , till I shall waue you on . Si. O.

Is not that he .

Th. S.

T is he .

Si. O.

But where s the wentch .

W.S.

It shal be so , I le cheate him that s flat .

Sir Ol. You are well met , know yee me good sir , Belike you thinke I haue no eyes , no eares , No nose to smell , and winde out all your tricks , Y' haue stole Sir Somerfields heire , nay we can finde , Your wildest paths , your turnings and returnes , Your traces , squats , the insets , formes and holes , You yongmen vse , if once cursagest wits Be set a hunting , are you now crept forth , Haue you hid your head within a suburbe hole All this while , and are you now crept forth ? W. S

'T is a starke lye .

Sir . Ol.

How ?

W.S. who told you so did lye , Foote , a Gentleman cannot leaue the Citty And keepe the suburbs to take a little Phisick , But straite some slaue will say he hides his head : I hide my head within a Suburbe hole , I could haue holes at Court to hide my head , Were I but so disposd . Sir Ol. Thou varlet knaue , T' hast stolne away Sir Iohn Somerfields heire , But neuer looke for countenance from me , Carry her whether thou wilt . W.S. Father , father , Zart will you vndoe your posterity . Will you sir vndoe your posterity ? I can but kill my brother then hang my selfe , And where is then your house , make me not dispare , Foote now I haue got a wench , worth by the yeare Two thousand pound and vpwards , to crosse my hopes : Would ere a clowne in Christendom doo 't but you . Th. S. Good Father , let him leaue this thundring , And giue him grace . W.S. Why law , my brother knowes Reason , and what an honest man should doe . S. Ol.

Well , where s your wife .

W.S.

Shee s comming here behind ,

S. Ol.

I le giue her some-what , though I loue not thee .

W.S. My father right , I knew you could not hold Out long with a woman , but giue some-thing Worthy your gift and her acceptance father , This chaine were excellent by this good-light , Shee shall giue you as good if once her lands Enter Frances Beard . Come to my fingring . S.O.

Peace knaue , what s she your wife ?

W.S.

That shall be sir .

S. Ol

And what s he .

W.S.

My man .

S. Ol.

A Ruffian Knaue a is .

W.S. A Ruffian sir , By heauen , as tall a man as ere drew sword , Not being counted of the damned crew , A was her fathers Butler , his name is Beard , Of with your Maske , now shall you finde me true , And that I am a sonne vnto a Knight , This is my father . S. Ol. I am indeed faire maide , My stile is Knight : come let me kisse your lips . W.S.

That kisse shall cost your chaine .

S.O. It smacks ifaith , I must commend your choise . Fra. Sir I haue giuen A longer venture then true modesty Will well allow , or your more grauer witte Commend . W.S.

I dare be sworne she has .

S. Ol. Not so , The foolish knaue ha's beene accounted wilde , And so haue I , but I am now come home , And so will he . Fra.

I must beleeue it now .

W S.

Beg his chaine wench .

Be.

Wil you cheat your father ?

W.S.

I by this light will I .

S. Ol. Nay sigh not . For you shall finde him louing and me thankfull . And were it not a scandall to my honour , To be consenting to my sonnes attempt , You should vnto my house , meane while take this , As pledge and token of my after loue : How long since dyed your father . W.S. Some six weeks since . We cannot stay to talke , for slaues pursue , I haue a house shall lodge vs till the Priest May make vs sure . S. Ol. Well sirra , loue this woman , And when you are man and wife bring her to me , Shee shall be welcome . W.S.

I humbly thanke you sir .

S. Ol.

I must be gone , I must a wooing too .

W.S.

Ioue and Priapus speed you , you le returne .

Exit Sir Oliuer and Thom: Small-shanke . Th. S.

Instantly .

W.S. Why this came cleanly off . Giue me the chaine , you little Cockatrice , Why this was luck , foote foure hundred crownes Got at a clap , hold still your owne you whore , And we shall thriue . Bea.

T' was brauely fetcht about .

W.S.

I , when will your nose and beard performe as much .

Fra. I am glad he is gon , a put me to the blush When a did aske me of ritch Somerfields death . W S. And tooke not I my q : wa st not good , Did I not bring you off , you arrant drab , Without a counterbuffe ? looke who comes heere , And three merry men , and three merry men , And three merry men bee wee a. Enter Boutcher and Constantia . Bou. Still in this vaine , I haue done you seruice , The Lawyers house will giue you entertainment , Bountifull and free . W. S O nay second selfe , Come let me busse thy beard , we are all made , Why are so melancholly , doost want money ? Looke heer 's gold , and as wee passe along , I le tell thee how I got it , not a word But that shee 's Somerfields heyre , my brother Swallowes it with more ease , then a Dutchman Does flap-Dragons : a comes , now to my Lawyers : Enter T. Small-shanke . Kisse my wife , good brother ; shee is a wench Was borne to make vs all . Th. S. I hope no lesse , Yo' are welcome sister into these our parts , As I may say . Fra.

Thankes gentle brother .

W. Come now to Ram-alley . There shalt thou lye , Till I prouide a Priest . Bou. O villany ! I thinke a will gull his whole generation , I must make one , since 't is so well begun , I le not forsake him , till his hopes be wonne . Exeunt . Enter Throate , and two Cittizens . Thr.

Then y' are friends .

Both .

We are , so please your worship .

Thr. 'T is well , I am glad , keepe your mony , for law Is like a Butlers box : while you two striue , That picks vp all your mony , you are friends , Both .

We are so please you , both perfit friends .

Th. Why so , Now to the next Tap-house , there drinke downe this , And by the opperation of the third pot . Quarrell againe , and come to mee for law : Fare you well . Both .

The Gods conserne your wisdom . E. Ci.

Thr. Why so , these are tricks of the long fifteenes , To giue counsell , and to take fees on both sides , To make 'em friends , and then to laugh at them . Why this thriues well , this is a common trick : When men haue spent a deale of mony in law , Then Lawyers make them friends : I haue a trick To go beyond all these , if Small-shanke come And bring rich Somerfields heyre , I say no more , But 't is within this skonse to goe beyond them . Enter Dash . Das.

Here are Gentlemen in hast would speake with you .

Thr.

What are they ?

Das. I cannot know them sir They are so wrapt in Cloakes . Thr.

Haue they a woman ?

Das.

Yes sir , but shee 's Maskt , and in her riding sute .

Thr. Goe , make hast , bring them vp with reuerence , Oh are they ifaith , has brought the wealthy heire : These stooles and cushions stand not handsomly . Enter William Smalshanke , Boutcher . Thomas Smalshanke , Francis , and Beard . W.

Blesse thee Throte .

Thr.

Maister Smalshanke welcome .

W.S.

Welcome loue , kisse this Gentlewoman , Throte .

Thr.

Your worship shall command me .

WS.

Art not weary .

Bou.

Can you blame hir since she has rid so hard ?

Thr.

You are welcome Gentlemen . — Dash .

Das.

Sir .

Thr.

A fire in the great chamber , quickly .

W. I that 's well said , we are almost weary , But Maister Throte , if any come to inquire For me , my brother , or this Gentlewoman , Wee are not here , nor haue you heard of vs . Thr. Not a word sir , heere you are as safe As in your fathers house , T.S.

And he shall thanke you .

W.S. Th' art not merry loue , good maister Throte Bid this Gentlewoman welcome : she is one Of whom you may receiue some courtesie In time . Thr. She is most harty welcome , Wilt please you walke into another roome , Where is both bed and fire , W. Sm. I , I , that that Good brother lead her in , Maister Throte and I Will follow instantly , now Maister Throte Exit . It rests within your power to pleasure me , Know that this same is sir Iohn Somerfields Heire , Now if she chance to question what I am , Say sonne vnto a Lord , I pray thee tell her I haue a world of land , and stand in hope To bee created Barron , for I protest I was constrain'd to sweare it forty times And yet shee 'le scarce beleeue mee . Thro. pauca sapienti , Let mee alone to set you out in length And breadth : W. Sm. I prethee doo 't effectually : Shat haue a quarter share by this good light , In all she has , I prethee forget not To tell her the Smal-shankes haue beene dancers , Tilters , and very antient Courtiers , And in request at Court since sir Iohn Short-hose With his long silke stockings was beheaded , Wilt thou do this ? Thro.

Referre it to my care .

W. Sm. Excellent , I le but shift my bootes , and then Goe seeke a Priest , this night I will bee shure , If we bee shure , it cannot be vndone , Can it Maister Throte ? Thr. O sir not possible : You haue many Presidents and booke Cases for 't , Bee you but shure and then let mee alone . Viuat Rex , currat Lex and I le defend you . W. Sm.

Nay then hang care , come le ts in .

Thr. A ha , Haue you stole her , fallere fallentem non est fraus . Exit . W. S , It shall goe hard but I will strippe you boy . You stole the wench , but I must her inioy . Exit Enter Mistris Taffata , Adriana , below . Come Adriana , tell me what thou think'st , I am tickled with conceit of marriage , And whom think'st thou ( for mee ) the fittest husband What saist thou to yong Bouchor . Adri. A pretty fellow But that his back is weake , Taff. What dost thou say To Throte the Lawier ? Adri. I like that well , Were the Rogue a Lawyer , but he is none , He neuer was of any Inne-of-court ; But Inne of Chancery , where a was knowne , But onely for a swaggering whyfler , To keepe out rogues , and prentises , I saw him , When a was stockt for stealing the cookes fees . A Lawyer I could like , for t is a thing , Vsed by you Cittizens wiues , your husband s dead ; To get French-hoods you straight must Lawyers wed , Taf. What saist thou then to Nimble Sir Oliu. Smal-shanck Adr. Faith he must hit the haire : a fellow fit , To make a pritty Cuckold : take an old man , T is now the newest fashion , better be An old mans darling , then a young mans warling , Take me the old briske Knight , the foole is rich , And wil be strong enough to father children , Though , not to get them . Taf. T is true he is the man , Yet will I beare some dozen more in hand , And make them all my gulls . Adr. Mistris stand aside . Enter Boutcher , and Constantia . Young Boutcher comes let me alone to touch him . Bou.

This is the house .

Con.

And that s the chambermaide .

Bou.

Wher s the widdow gentle Adriana .

Adr.

The widdow sir is not to be spooke to ,

Bou.

Not speake to , I must speake with her .

Adr. Must you ! Come you with authority , or doe you come To sue her with a warrant that you must speake with her . Bou.

I would Intreat it .

Adr. O you would intreat it , May not I serue your turne , may not I vnfold , Your secrets to my Mistris , loue is your sute , Bou.

It is faire creature .

Adr. And why did you fall off When you perceiued my mistris was so cunning , D' you thinke she is still the same . Bou.

I doe .

Adr. Why so , I tooke you for a nouice ; and I must thinke , You know not yet the inwards of a woman , Doe you not know that women are like fish , Which must be strooke when they are prone to byte , Or all your labours lost , but sir walke here . And I le informe my Mistris your desires . Con.

Maister

Bou.

boy .

Con.

come not you for loue ,

Bou.

I do boy

Con.

And you would haue the widdow .

Bo.

I would

Con. by Ioue I neuer saw one goe about his busines More vntowardly : why sir , doe not you know That he which would be inward with the Mistris , Must make a way first through the waiting mayde ? If you le know the widdowes affections Feele first the waiting Gentle-woman ; do it Maister , Some halfe a dozen kisses were not lost Vppon this Gentle-woman , for you must know These wayting-maids are to their Mistresses Like Porches vnto doores , you passe the one Before you can haue entrance at the other : Or like you r musterd to your peece of brawne , If you le haue one tast well you must not scorne To bee dipping in the other , I tell you Maister T is not a few mens tales which they preferre Vnto their Mistress , in compasse of a yeare - Be ruld by me , vntrusse your selfe to her , Out with all your loue-sicke thoughts to her , Kisse her and giue her an angell to buy pinnes , And this shall sooner winne her Mistris loue , Then all your protestations , sithes and teares . Enter Taffata , Adriana . Here they come ; to her bouldly Maister Doe , but dally not , that s the widdowes phrase , Bou. Most worthy fayre such is the power of loue That now I come t' accept your proffered grace , And with submissiue thoughts t' entreat a pardon For my so grose neglect . Taff. There s no offence , My mind is changed . Adr.

I told you as much before .

Con.

With a hey passe with a repasse .

Bou. Deerest of women , The constant vertue of your nobler mind Speakes in your lookes : Nor can you entertaine Both loue and hate at once . Taff.

T is all in vaine .

Adr.

You striue against the streame .

Con.

Fee the waitingmaid Maister

Bou.

Stand thou propitious , indeere me to thy loue

Boutcher giues Adriana his purse secretly . Adr. Deere Mistresse turne to this Gentleman , I protest , I haue some feeling of his constant loue , Cast him not away , trye his loue . Taf. Why sir , With what audatious front can you intreat To inioy my loue , which yet not two houres since , You scornfully refusd . Con.

Wel sare the waiting maide .

Bou. My fate compeld me , but now farewell fond feare , My soule , my life , my lands , and reputation , I le hazard all , and prize them all beneath thee . Taf.

Which I shall put to tryall , lend me thy eare .

Ad.

Can you loue boy

Co,

Yes .

Ad.

What or whom .

Co.

My victuals .

Adr. A pretty knaue , ifaith come home to night , Shalt haue a posset and candi'd Eringoes , A bed if need be to , I loue a life , To play with such Babounes as thou . Con. Indeed , But doost thinke the widdow wi'l haue my maister . Adr.

I le tell thee then , wo't come .

Con.

I wil .

Ad.

Remember .

Taf.

Will you performe so much .

Bou.

Or loose my bloud .

Taf. Make him subscribe it , and then I vow , By sacred Vestaes euer hallowed fier , To take thee to my bed . Bou.

Till when farewell . Exe.

Taf.

Hee 's worthy loue , whose vertues most excell .

Adr.

Remember , what i st a match betwixt you Mistresse ?

Taf. I haue set the foole in hope , ha's vnder-tooke To rid me of that fleshy Captaine Face , Which sweares in Tauernes , and all Ordinaries , I am his lawfull wife : hee shall allay , The fury of the Captaine , and I secure , Will laugh at the disgrace they both indure . Ex : Enter Throte and Francis . Thr.

Open your case , and I shall soone resolue you .

Fra.

But will you do it truly .

Thr.

As I am honest .

Fra. This Gentleman whom I so much affect , I scarsly yet doe know , so blind is loue , In things which most concernes it , as y' are honest Tell me his birth , his state , and farthest hopes . Thr. He is my friend , and I will speake him truly , He is by birth , sonne to a foolish Knight , His present state I thinke will be the prison , And farthest hope to be baild out againe , By sale of all your land . Fra. O mee accurst , Has a no credit , Lands and Mannors . Thr. That lands he has lyes in a faire Church-yard , And for his manners , they are so rude and vilde , That scarce an honest man will keepe him company . Fra.

I am abus'd , coosned , and deceiu'd .

Thr. Why that 's his occupation , hee will cheate In a cloake lin'd with Veluet , a will prate Faster then fiue Barbers and a Taylor , Lye faster then ten Citty occupiers , Or cunning tradesmen : goes a trust In euery Tauerne where has spent a fagot , Sweares loue to euery whore , squires bawdes , And takes vp houses for them as their husband . A is a man I loue , and haue done much To bring him to preferment . Fra. Is there no trust , No honesty in men . Thr. Faith some there is , And 't is all in the hands of vs Lawyers And women , and those women which haue it , Keepe their honesty so close , that not one Amongst a hundred is perceiued to haue it . Fra. Good sir , may I not by law forsake him And wed another , though my word be past To be his wife . Thr. O questionlesse you may , You haue many Presidents and booke-cases for 't , Nay , though you were married by a booke-case , Of Milesimo sexantesimo , &c. You may forsake your husband , and wed another , Prouided that some fault be in the husband , As none of them are cleare . Fra. I am resolu'd , I will not wed him , though I beg my bread . Thr. All that I haue is yours , and were I worthy To be your husband . Fra. I thanke you sir , I will rather wed a most perfidious Redshanke , A noted Iewe , or some Mechanick slaue , Then let him ioy my sheets . Thr.

A comes , a comes ,

Enter W Smal. Boutcher , T. Smal. Beard . W.S. Now my Virago , 't is done , all 's cock-sure , I haue a Priest will mumble vp a marriage , Without bell , booke , or candle , nimble slaue , A honest Welsh-man that was a Taylor , But now is made a Curate . Bea.

Nay y' are fitted .

Bou.

Now maister Throte .

T.S.

Where 's your spirit sister ?

W.S.

What all amort ? what s the matter ? do you here ?

Bou.

What 's the reason of this melancholly ?

Thr.

By heauen I know not .

W.S.

Has the gudgin bit .

Fra.

He has beene nibling .

W.S. Hold him to it wench , And it 't will hit by heauen : why art so sad ? Foote wench we will be married to night , Wee le sup at th' Myter , and from thence My brother and we three will to the Sauoy , Which done , I tell thee girle , wee le hand ore head , Goe to 't pell mell for a maiden-head , Come yo' are lusty , you wenches are like bells , You giue no musick , till you feele the clapper , Come Throte a tortch , we must be gon . Fra.

Seruant . Ex.

Bea.

Mistris .

Fra.

We are vndone .

Bea.

Now Ioue forfend .

Fra. This fellow has no land ; and which is worse , Hee has no credit . Bear . How are we outstript , Blowne vp by wit of man : Let vs be gone Home againe , home againe , our market now is done . Fra.

That were too great a scandall .

Thr. Most true , Better to wed another then to returne With scandall and defame ; wed me a man Whose wealth may reconcile your mothers loue , And make the action lawfull . Bea. But where 's the man ? I like your councell , could you show the man . Thr. My selfe am he , might I but dare aspyre Vnto so high a Fortune . Bea. Mistrisse , take the man , Shall we be baffled with faire promises , Or shall we trudge , like beggers back againe , No , take this wise and vertuous man , Who should a lose his legges , his armes , his eares , His nose , and all his other members , Yer if his tongue be left 't will get his liuing , Take me this man . Thr.

Thankes gentle maister Beard .

Fra

'T is impossible , this night he meanes to wed mee .

Thr. If not by law , we will with power preuent it , So you but giue consent . Fra.

Let s heere the meanes .

Thr. I le muster vp my friends , and thus I cast it , Whilst they are busie , you and I will hence Directly to a Chappell , where a Priest Shall knit the nuptiall knot ere they persue vs . Bea O rare inuention , I le act my part , A owes mee thirteene pound , I say no more , But there be catch-poles : speakest a match . Fra.

I giue my liking .

Thr.

Dash .

Das.

Sir .

Thr. Get your sword And me my buckler , nay you shall know We are Tam marti quam mercurio , Bring my cloake , you shall thether , I le for friends , Worship and wealth the Lawyers state attends . Dash , we must beare some braine , to Saint Iohns streete , Goe runne , flye : and a farre off enquire , If that the Lady Somerfield be there , If there , know what newes , and meete me straite At the Myter doore in Fleet-streete , away , " To get rich wiues , men must not vse delay .

Actus 3. Scaena 1. Enter Sir Oliuer Smalshanke , Iustice Tutchim . Iu. Tu.

A hunting Sir Oliuer and drye-foote to ,

S. Ol. We old men haue our cretchets , our conundrums , Our fegares , quirks and quibibles , As well as youth , Iustice Tutchim I goe To hunt no Buck , but prick a lusty Doe , I go in truth a wooing . I. Tu. Then ride with me , I le bring you to my sister Somerfield . S. Ol.

Iustice not so : by her there hangs a Tale .

I. Tu.

That 's true indeed .

S. Ol.

She ha's a daughter .

I. Tu.

And what of that .

S. Ol. I likewise haue a sonne , A villanous Boy , his father vp and downe , What should I say , these Veluet bearded boyes , Will still be doing , say what we old men can , I. Tu.

And what of this Sir Oliuer , be plaine ,

S. Oli. A nimble spirited knaue , the villaine boy , Has one tricke of his sier , has got the wench . Stolne your ritch Sisters heire . I. Tu.

Somer-fields heire ,

S. Ol. Has done the deed , has peirst the vessells head , And knowes by this the vintage . I. Tu.

when should this be ,

Si. Ol. As I am by my councell well informed , This very day , I. Tu. Tut It cannot be , Some ten miles hence I saw the maid last night . S. Ol , Maides may be maides to night and not to morrow . Women are free and sell their maiden-heads , As men sell cloth , by yard and handfull , But if you chaunce to see your Sister widdow , Comfort her teares and say her daughters matcht , With one that has a knocker to his Father , An honest Noble Knight . I. Tu. Stand close Knight , close , And marke this Captaines humor , his name is Puffe , A dreames as a walkes , and thinkes no woman Enter Captaine Puffe . Sees him but is in loue with him . Pu. T were braue , If some great Lady , through a window spide me , And straight should loue me , say she should send , 5000 pound vnto my Lodging , And craue my company : with that mony , I would make three seuerall cloakes , and line them With blacke , Crimson , and Tawny three pyl'd veluet , I would eate at Chares Ordinary , and dice At Antonies : then would I keepe my whore , In beaten veluet and , haue two slaues to tend her . Si. Ol.

Ha ha ha .

Puf. What my case of Iustices , What are you eaues-dropping or doe you thinke , Your tawny coates with gresie facings here , Shall carry it ? Sir Oliuer Smal-shankes , Know my name is Puffe , Knight , thee haue I sought , To fright thee from thy wits . I. Tu. Nay good Sir Puffe , We haue to many mad men already , Pu. How ? I tell thee Iustice Tuchim , not all Thy Baylifes , Sergants busie Constables , Defesants , warrants , or thy Mittimusses , Shall saue his throte from cutting if he presume , To woe the widdow eclipped Tafata , Shee is my wife by oth . Therefore take heed , Let me not catch thee in the widdowes house , If I doe , I le picke thy head vpon my sword , And pisse in thy very visnomy , beware , beware . Come there no more , a Captains word , Flies not so feirce as doth his fatall sword , Exit Puffe . Si. O. How like you this , shall we indure this thunder , Or goe no further . I. Tu. We will on Sir Oliuer , We will on , let me aloue to touchim , I wounder how my spirit did forbeare , To strike him on the face : had this beene spoke , Within my Liberties , had dyed for it . Enter Cap. Puffe . Si. Ol.

I was about to draw .

Pu. If you come there , Thy beard shall serue to stuffe , those balls by which I get me heat at Tenice . I Tu. Is he gon . Exit Puffe . I would a durst a stood to this awhile , Well I shall catch him in a narrow rome , Where neither of vs can flinch ; If I do , I le make him daunce a trenchmoor to my sword , Come I le along with you to the widdow . We will not be out-braued , take my word , Wee le not be wronged while I can draw a sword . Exit . Enter Throte and other Gentlemen . Thr. Let the Cotch stay at Showlane end : be ready , Let the boote stand open , and when she 's in : Hurry towards Saint Gyles in the field , As if the Diuell himselfe were wagoner , Now for an arme of oake , and heart of steele , To bare away the wench , to get a wife , A gentlewoman , a maid , nay which is more , An honest maid , and which is most of all , A rich and honest maid : O Ioue Ioue ! For a man to wed such a wife as this , Is to dwell in the very suburbs of Heauen , 1. Gen.

Is she so exquesite .

Thr. Sir she is rich And a great heire . 2. Gen.

T is the more dangerous ,

Thr. Dangerous ? Lord where be those gallant spirits , The time has beene when scarce an honest woman , Much lesse a wench could passe an Inn of court , But some of the fry would haue bene doing With her : I knew the day when Shreds a Taylor Comming once late by an Inne of Chancerie , Was layd along , and muffled in his cloake , His wife tooke in , Stytcht vp , turnd out againe , And he perswaded all was but in iest , Tut those braue boyes are gone , these which are left , Are wary lads , liue poring on their bookes , And giue their lynnen to their landresses , By tayle , they now can saue their pursses , I knew when euery gallant had his man . But now a twelpenny weekely Landresse , Will serue the turne to halfe a dosen of them , Enter Dash . Here comes my man , what newes . Das. As you would wish . The Lady Somer-field is come to towne , Her horses yet are walking , and her men say , Her onely daughter , is conuayd away , Noe man knowes how : now to it mast , You and your Seruant Dash are made for euer If you but sticke to it now . Thr. Gentlemen , Now show your selues at full , and not a man , But shares a fortune with me if I speed . Enter William Smal-shanke Boutcher . Thomas Smal-shanke , Francis and Bear . with a torch . 1. Gen. Tut feare not vs be shure you runne away , And wee le performe the quarrell . Thr.

Stand close , they come ,

Art sure he wil be here

Fr.

Most sure .

Beard . Be . Sir .

W. Beare vp the torch , and keepe your way apace Directly to the Sauoy . Th. S. Haue you a Lycence , Looke to that brother before you marry , For feare the Parson loose his benifice . Wi. S. Tut our Curat craues no lycence , a sweres His liuing cam to him by a miracle , Bou.

How by miracle ?

Wi. S. Why a paid nothing for t , A swares that few be free from Symony , But onely welchmen , and those a sayes to , Are but mountayne Priests . Bou. But hang him foole he lies , What s his reason ? Wi. S. His reason is this , That all their liuings are so rude and bare , That not a man , will venter his damnation By giuing mony for them : a does protest , There is but two paire , of hoose , and shooes , In all his Parish . 1 , Gen.

Hold vp your light Sir .

Bea.

Shall I be taught how to aduance my torch ,

W.S.

What s the matter Leiftenant .

2. Ge.

Your Lieftenants an asse .

Bea.

How an asse ; die men like dogs .

W, S.

hold gentlemen .

Bea.

An asse , an asse .

Th. S. Hold brother hold , Lieftenant . Put vp as you are men , your wife is gonne . W.

Gone .

Bou.

Gone .

W.S.

How , which way ? this is some plot ,

T.S.

Downe toward Fleete bridge .

All .

Follow , follow , follow . Ex .

1. Gen. So has the wentch let vs persue a loofe , And see the euent , this will proue good mirth , When things vnshapde shall haue a perfit birth . Exit . Enter W. Smal-shancke Boucher , Thom. Smal. and Beard , their swords drawne . W. T is a thing vnpossible , they should be gon Thus far and we not see them . T.S. Vpon my life . They went in by the Grey-hound , and so strooke , Into Bridewell . Bou.

What should she make there ;

T.S.

Take water at the docke .

Bea. Water at Docke , A fico for her Docke , you le not be ruld . You le stil be obstinate , I le pawne my fate , She tooke a long shew-lane , and so went home , W.S.

Home .

Bea. I home ; how could shee chose but go , Seeing so many naked tooles at once , Drawne in the streete ? T.S.

What scuruy lucke was this ,

W.S. Come we will find her , or wee le fire the Suburbs , Put vp your tooles , lett s first along show-lane , Then straite vp Holborne , If we find her not ; Wee le thence direct to Throtes , if she be lost I am vndone and all your hopes are crost . Exit . Enter Sir Oliuer Smaleshankes , Iustice Tutchim , Mistris Tafata , Adriana . Sir Ol.

Widdow I must be short .

Iu. Tu. Sir Oliuer , Will you shame your selfe , ha ? You must be short , Why what a word was that to tell a widdow ? Sir Ol.

I ment I must be breefe .

Iu. Tut. Why say so then , Yet that s almost as ill ; go to , speake on . Sir Ol. Widdow I must be breefe , what old men doe , They must doe quickly . Taf. Then good sir do it , Widdowes are sildome slow to put men to it . Sir Ol. And old men know their q's , my Loue you knowe , Has beene protested long , and now I come To make my latest tender , an old growne oake Can keepe you from the raine , and stands as fayre And portly as the best . Taf. Yet search him well , And wee shall find no pithe or hearty Timber To vnderlay a building . Iu. Tu. I would that Oake Had beene a fire : Forward good sir Oliuer , Your Oake is naught : sticke not too much to that . Sir Ol. If you can like , you shall be Ladified , Liue at the court , and soone bee got with child , What do you thinke we old men can do nothing ? Iu: Tut :

This was somewhat like :

Sir Ol. You shall haue Iewels , A Baboone , Parrat , and an Izeland Dog , And I my selfe to beare you company . Your Ioynter is fiue hundred pound by yeere , Besides your Plate , your Chaines and houshould stuffe , When enuious fate shall change this mortall life . Taf. But shall I not be ouer-cloyde with loue ? Will you nor be too busie shall I keepe My chamber by the moneth , if I bee pleas'd To take Physick , to send for Visitants , To haue my maide read Amadis de Gaule , Or Donzel del Phoebo to me ? shall I haue A Carotch of the last edition , The Coatch-mans seate a good way from the Coatch , That if some other Ladies and my selfe Chance to talke bawdy , he may not ouer-heare vs . S. Ol.

All this and more .

Taf. Shall we haue two chambers ? And will you not presume vnto my bed , Till I shall call you by my waiting maide . S. Ol.

Not I by heauen .

Taf. And when I send her , Will you not intice her to your lust , Nor tumble her before you come to me . Adr. Nay let him do his worst , make your match sure , And feare not me , I neuer yet did feare Any thing my maister could doe to mee . Knock . Taf. What noyse is that , goe see Adriana , And bring me word : I am so haunted With a swaggering Captaine , that sweares God blesse vs Like a very Tarmagant , a Raskall knaue , Enter Adr. That saies he will kill all men which seekes to wed me . Adr. O Mistrisse ! Captaine Puffe halfe drunke , is now Comming vp staires . S. Ol. O God haue you no roome Beyond this Chamber , has sworne to kill me , And pisse in my very visnomy , Taf.

What are you afraid Sir Oliuer ?

S. Ol Not affraid , But of all men I loue not to meddle with a Drunkard : Haue you any Rome backwards . Taf.

None Sir .

Iu. Tu. Is there nere a Trunke or Cubbert for him , Is there nere a hole backwards to hide him in . Cap. Pu.

I must speake with her .

S. Ol.

O God a comes .

Adr. Creepe vnder my Mistrisse Farthingale Knight , That 's the best and safest place in the Chamber . I. Tu.

I there , there , that he will neuer mistrust .

Adr. Enter Knight , keepe close , gather your selfe Round like a Hedge-hog stirre not what ere you neere , See or smell Knight , God blesse vs , here a comes . Ent. C. Puff . Ca. Pu.

Blesse thee widdow and wife .

Taf. Sir get you gon . Leaue my house , or I will haue you coniur'd With such a spell , you neuer yet haue heard of , Haue you no other place to vent your froth , But in my house , is this the fittest place , Your Captaineship can find to puff in : ha ! Ca Pu. How , am I not thy spouse , didst thou not say , These armes should clip thy naked body fast , Betwixt two linnen sheetes , and be sole Lord Of all thy pewter worke , thy word is past , And know that man is powder , dust , and earth , That shall once dare to thinke thee for his wife . Taf.

How now you slaue , one call the Constable .

C. Puf. No Constable with all his Holberteeres , Dare once aduance his head , or peepe vp staires , If I crye but keepe downe : haue I not liu'd , And marched on the sieged walles , In thunder , lightning , raine , and snow , And eake in shotte of powdered balls , Whose costly markes are yet to show ? Taf. Captaine Face , for my last husbands sake , With whom you were familiarly acquainted , I am content to winke at these rude tricks , But hence , trouble me no more , if you doe , I shall lay you fast , where you shall see No Sunne or Moone . C , Puf. Nor yet the Northen Pole , A fico for the Sunne and Moone , let me liue in a hole , So these two starres may shine . Taf. Sir , get you gon , You swaggering , cheating , Turne-bul-streete roague , Or I will hale you to the common-Iayle , Where Lyce shall eate you . C. Pu. Go to , I shall spurne And slash your petti-coate . Taf. Runne to the Counter , Fetch me a red-bearded Sargeant , I le make You Captaine thinke the Deuill of hell is come To fetch you , if hee once fasten on you . C. Pu. Dambe thee & thy Sergeants , thou Mercers Punke . Thus will I kick thee and thy Farthingales . S. Ol.

Hold Captaine .

C Pu. What do you cast your whelps . What haue I found you sir ? haue not I plast My Sakers , Culuerings , Demi-culuerings , My Cannons , Demi-cannons , Basilisks , Vpon her breatch , and do I not stand , Ready with my Pike to make my entry , And are you come to man her ? S. Ol.

Good Captaine hold .

C. Pu. Are not her Bulwarkes Parrapets , Trenches , Scarfes , Counter-scarfes , Fortifications , Curtaines , Shaddowes , Mines , Counter-mines , Rampires , Forts , Ditches , Workes , Water-workes , And is not her halfe-moone mine , and do you bring A rescue good-man Knight Taf. Call vp my men , Enter 2. or 3. with clubs . Where be these knaues , haue they no ears or hearts , Beate hence this rascall , some other fetch a warrant , I le teach him know himselfe . I. Tu.

Downe with the slaue .

S. Ol.

'T is not your beard shall cary it , down with the rogue .

C. Pu.

Not Hercules gainst twenty .

I. Tu. A sirra , Ex : Face I knew my hands no longer could forbeare him , Why did you not strike the Knaue , sir Oliuer ? S. Ol.

Why so I did .

I. Tu.

But then it was too late .

S. Ol. What would you haue me do when I was downe , And hee stood thundring with his weapon drawne , Enter Adriana . Ready to cut my throte . Adr. The roague is gon , And heer 's one from the Lady Somerfield , To intreat you come with all the speed you can , To Saint Iohns streete . I. Tu.

Which I wil do .

Taf. Gentlemen I am sorry you should be thus disturbed Within my house , but now all feare is past , You are most welcome : supper ended , I le giue a gratious answer to your sute , Meane while let nought dismay , or keepe you mute . Ex. Enter Throte , Francis , and Dash . Thr. Pay the Coatch-man Dash , pay him well , And thanke him for his speed . Now Viuat Rex , The knot is knit , which not the law it selfe , With all his Hydra heads and strongest nerues , Is able to disioyne : Now let him hang , Fret out his guts , and sweare the starres from Heauen , A neuer shall enioy you , you shall be rich . Your Lady mother this day came to towne In your pursute : wee will but shift some ragges , And straite goe take her blessing . Fra. That must not be , Furnish me with Iewels , and then my selfe , Attended by you man and honest Beard , Will thether first , and with my Lady mother Craue a peace for you . Thr. I like that well , Her anger some-what calm'd , I brisk and fine , Some halfe houre after will present my selfe As sonne in law vnto her , which she must needs Accept with gratious lookes . Fra. I when shee knowes Before by me , from what an eminent plague Your wisdome has preseru'd me . Thr. I , that , that , That will strike it dead : but heere comes Beard . Enter Beard . Bea

What are you sure , tide fast by heart and hand .

Thr. I now do call her wife , she now is mine , Seald and deliuered by an honest Priest , At Saint Giles in the field . Bea.

God giue you ioy sir .

Thr.

But where 's mad Smal-shanke .

Bea O hard at hand , And almost mad with losse of his faire bride , Let not my louely Mistresse bee seene , And see if you can draw him to compound For all his title to her , I haue Sargiants Ready to do the feate , when time shall serue . Thr. Stand you aside deere loue nay I will firke My silly nouice , as he was neuer firkt Since Midwiues bound his noddle : heere they come . Enter W. Smallsh . Th. Smalsh . and Boucher . W. O Maister Throte , vnlesse you speake good newes , My hopes are crost , and I vndone for euer . Thr. I neuer thought you 'd come to other end , Your courses haue beene alwayes so prophane , Extrauagant and base . W. Nay good sir heare ? Did not my loue returne ? came she not hether , For Ioues loue speake . Thr. Sir will you get you gon , And seeke your loue elsewhere ; for know my house Is not to entertaine such customers As you and your comrades . W. Is the man mad , Or drunke , why Maister Throte know you to whom You talke so sawcily ? Thr. Why vnto you , And to your brother Smale-shaneks , will you be gon ? Bou. Nay good sir hold vs not in this suspence , Answere directly , came not the Virgin hether . Thr. Will you be gon directly , are you mad ? Come you to seeke a Virgin in Ram-alley Soe neere an Inne of Court , and amongst Cookes , Ale-men and Landresses , why are you fooles ? W Sm. Sir leaue this firck of law , or by this light I le giue your throte a slit , came she not hether ? Answere to that poynt . Thr. What , haue you lost her ? Come doe not gull your frinds . W. Sm. By heauen she 's gon Vnlesse she be return'd since wee last left you . Thr. Nay then I cry you mercy , she came not hether As 'am an honest man : I st possible A maid so louely , fayre , so well demeand , Should be tooke from you ? what from you three ? So yong , so braue and valliant Gentlemen ? Sure it cannot bee . T. Sm.

Afore God t is true .

W. Sm.

To our pepetuall shames t is now too true .

Thr. Is she not left behind you in the Tauerne ? Are you shure you brought her out ? were you not drunke And so forgot her ? W. Sm. A pox on all such luck , I will find her , or by this good light I le fire all the Citty , come let 's goe , Who euer has her shall not long enioy her , I le proue a contract , le ts walke the round , I le haue her if shee keepe aboue the ground . Exit . Thr. Ha ha ha , a makes me sport . ifaith The gull is mad , starke mad , Dash draw the bond And a release of all his interest In this my loued wife , Bea. I be sure of that , For I haue certaine gobblins in buffe Ierkins Enter with the Sargeants . Lye in ambuscado for him . Off.

I arrest you sir :

W. Sm.

Reskue , resku .

Th.

O he is caught .

W. Sm. I le giue you baile Hang off honest catch-poles M. Thr. good , wise , Learned , and honest maister Throte , now , now , Now or neuer helpe me .. Thro.

What s the matter ?

W. Sm. Here are two retainers , hangers on sir , Which will consume more then ten liueries , If by your meanes they be not straite shooke off : I am arrested . Thr.

Arested ? what 's the summe ?

W.S. But thirteene pound , due to Beard the Butler , Do but baile me , and I will saue you harmelesse . Thr, Why heer 's the end of Ryot , I know the law , If you be baild by me , the debt is mine , Which I will vndertake . W.S. Law there ; Roagues , Foote I know hee would not let me want For thirteene pounds . Thr. Prouided , you seale a release , Of all your claime to Mistresse Somerfield . W.S. Sergeants doe your kinde , hale me to the hole , Seale a release , Sargeants come , to prison , Seale a release for Mistrisse Somerfield , First I will stinck in Iayle , be eate with Lyce , Indure an obiect worse then the Deuill himselfe , And that 's ten Sergeants peeping through the grates Vpon my lowsie linnen , come to Iayle , Foote a release . T.S.

Ther 's no conscience in it .

Bou.

'T is a demand vncharitable .

Thr.

Nay choose .

Fra.

I can hold no longer , impudent man .

W.S.

My wife , foote my wife , let me go Sergiants .

Fra. O thou perfidious man darst thou presume To call her wife , whom thou so much hast wrong'd , What conquest hast thou got , to wrong a maide , A silly harmelesse maide ? what glory i st That thou hast thus deceiued a simple Virgin , And brought her from her friends ? what honor wa st For thee to make the Butler loose his office And runne away with thee . Your tricks are knowne , Didst thou not sweare thou shouldst be Baroniz'd ? And hadst both lands and fortunes ? both which thou wantst . W.S. Foote that 's not my falt , I would haue lands If I could get em . Fra. I know your trick : , And know I now am wife vnto this man . Omn.

How ?

Thr. I thanke her sir , she has now voutchsaft To cast her selfe on me . Fra. Therefore subscribe , Take some-what of him for a full release , And pray to God to make you an honest man , If not , I doe protest by earth and Heauen , Although I starue , thou neuer shalt inioy me . Bea. Her vow is past , nor will she breake her word ; Looke to it mitcher . Fra.

I hope a will compound .

W. S Foote shall I giue two thousand pound a yeare For nothing . T.S. Brother come , be rul'd by me , Better to take a little then loose all . Bou.

You see shee 's resolute , y 'had best compound .

W.S. I le first be damn'd ere I will lose my right , Vnlesse a giue me vp my forfit morgage , And baile me of this action . Fra. Sir you may choose , What 's the morgage worth ? W.S.

Let s haue no whispering .

Thr.

Some forty pounds a yeare .

Fra. Doe it , doe it , Come you shall do it , we will be rid of him At any rate . Thr. Dash , go fetch his morgage , See that your friends be bound , you shall not claime Title , right , possession in part or whole , In time to come , in this my loued wife : I will restore the morgage , pay this debt , And set you free . W.S.

They shall not .

Bou. We will , Come draw the bonds , and we will soone subscribe them . Enter Dash . Thr. They 're ready drawne ; here 's his release , Sergiants let him goe . Dash.

Here 's the morgage sir .

W.S. Was euer man thus cheated of a wife : Is this my morgage . Thr.

The very same sir .

W.S. Well I will subscribe , God giue you ioy , Although I haue but little cause to wish it , My heart will scarce consent vnto my hand , T is done . Thr.

You giue this as your deeds .

Omn.

We doe ,

Thr.

Certifie them Dash .

W.S.

What am I free .

Thr. You are , Sargeants I discharge you , There 's your fees . Bea.

Not so , I must haue money .

Thr.

I le passe my word .

Bea. Foutrè , words are winde , I say I must haue money . Thr.

How much sir .

Bea.

Three pounds in hand , and all the rest to morrow .

Thr. Ther 's your summe , now officers begon , Each take his way , I must to Saint Iohns streete , And see my Lady-mother : shee 's now in towne , And we to her shall straite present our duties . T.S.

O Ioue shall we loose the wench thus .

W.S. Euen thus Throte farewell , since 't is thy luck to haue her , I still shall pray , you long may liue together : Now each to his affaires . Thr. Good night to all , Ex : Deare wife step in , Beard and Dash come hether : Heere take this money : goe borrow Iewels Of the next Gold-smith : Beard take thou these bookes , Goe both to the Broakers in Fetter lane , Lay them in pawne for a Veluet Ierken And a double Ruffe , tell him a shall haue As much for loane to night , as I do giue Vsually for a whole circuit , which done You two shall man her to her mothers : goe , Ex. My fate lookes big ; me thinkes I see already , Nineteene gold chaines , seauenteene great beards , and ten Reuerent bald heads , proclaime my way before me , My Coatch shall now go prancing through Cheapside , And not be forst to hurry through the streetes , For feare of Sargeants : nor shall I need to trye , Whether my wel-graft tumbling foot-cloth nag , Be able to out-runne a wel-breath'd Catchpole , I now in pompe will ride , for 't is most fit , Hee should haue state that riseth by his wit . Ex.

Actus 4. Scaena . 1. Sir Oliuer , Iustice Tutchim , Taffata , Adriana . S. Ol. Good meate the belly fils , good wine the braine , Women please men , men pleasure them againe , Ka me , ka thee , one thing must rub another , English loue Scots , Welshmen loue each other . I. Tu. You say very right sir Oliuer , very right , I haue 't in my noddle ifaith , That 's all the fault Old Iustices haue , when they are at feasts , They wil bib hard , they wil be fine : Sun-burnt Sufficient , foxt , or Columberd now and than , Now could I sit in my charyre at home and nod A drunkard to the stocks , by vertue of , The last statute rarely . Taf. Sir you are merry , I. Tu.

I am indeed .

Taf. Your supper sir was light . But I hope you thinke you welcome . I. Tu. I doe , A light supper quoth you , pray God it be , Pray god I carry it cleanly , I am shure it lies , As heauy in my belly as moult lead , Yet I le goe see my Sister Sommerfield , Si. O.

So late good Iustice .

I. Tu. I euen so late , Night is the mother of wit , as you may see , By Poets or rather Cunstables In their examinations at midnight , Wee le lie together without marrying , Saue the Curats fees , and the parish a labour , T is a thriuing course . S. Ol. That may not be , For excomunications then will flee . I. Tu. That s true , they fly indeed like wild-geese , In flocks , one in the breech of another . But the best is a small matter stayes them , And so farwell . S.O. Farwell good Iustice Tutchim , Exit . Alasse good gentleman his braines are erased , But let that passe : speake widdow i st a match , Shall we clap it vp . Adr. Nay if 't come to clapping , Good night ifaith Mistris looke before you , There s nothing more dangerous to maide or widdow , Then suddaine clapings vp ; nothing has spoyld , So many proper ladies as clappings vp : Your shittill-cocke , striding from tables to ground , Onely to try the strength of the backe , Your riding a hunting , I though they fall , With their heels vpward , and lay as if They were taking the height , of some high starre With a crosse staffe : noe nor your iumlings In horsslitters , coatches or caroatches , Haue spoyld so many women as clappings vp , Si. Ol.

Why then wee le chop it vp .

Taf. That s not alowed . Vnlesse you were sonne to a welch Curate : But faith sir Knight I haue a kind of itching , To be a Lady , that I can tell you woes , And can perswade with better rethorick , Then oathes , wit , welth , valour , lands , or person , I haue some debts at court , and marrying you , I hope the Courtier will not sticke to pay me , Si. Ol. Neuer feare thy payment . This I will say , For Courtiers they le be shure to pay each other , How ere they deale with Cittizens . Ta. Then here s my hand , I am your wife condition we be ioynd , Before to morrows sunne . Si. O. Nay euen to night , So you be pleas'd with little warning widdow , We old men can be ready , and thou shalt see , Before the time that chanticlere , Shall call and tell the day is neere , When wentches lying on their backs , Receiue with ioy their loue-stolne smacks , When maids awak't from their first sleepe , Deceiu'd with dreames begin to weepe , And thinke if dreames , sutch pleasures know , What sport the substance them would show , When Ladies gin white Lymmes to spred , Her loue but new stolne to her bed , His cotten showes yet scarce put off , And deares not laugh , speake , sneze , or cough , When precise dames begin to thinke , Why their grose souring husbands stincke , What pleasure t were then to inioy , A nimble vickar , or a boy . Before this time thou shalt behold , Me quaffing out our brydall bole . Adr. Then belike before the morning Sunne You wil be coupled . Taf.

Yes faith Adriana ,

Adr. Well I will looke you shall haue a cleane smocke , Prouided that you pay the fee Sir Oliuer , Since my Mistris sir will be a Lady , I le loose no fees due to the wayting maid . S. Ol.

Why is there a fee belonging to it .

Adr. A Knight and neuer heard of smocke fees , I would I had the monopoly of them , So there were no impost set vpon them : Enter W. Sm. S. Ol. Whom haue wee heere what my mad-headed sonne What makes he here so late ? say I am gone , And I the whilest will step behind the hangings . W.S.

God Blesse thee parcell of mans flesh ,

Ta.

How sir .

W. Why parcell of mans flesh art not a woman ? But widdow wher s the old stinkerd my father , They say widdow you dance altogether . After his pipe . Ta.

What then .

W.S. Thar' t a foole , I le assure thee there s no musick in it . Ta.

Can you play better .

W. Better widdow ? Bloud dost thinke I haue not learnt my pricke song , What not the court pricksong ? one vp and another downe , Why I haue 't to a hare by this light . I hope thou louest him not . Ta.

I le marry him sir ,

W. How marry him , foote art mad widdow , Woot marry an old crased man , With meager lookes , with visage wan , With littell legs and cryncled thies , With Chapfalne gummes and deepe sunke eyes , Why a dog seazd on ten daies by death Stinkes nor so loathsome as his breath , Nor can a citty common iaques , Which all mens Breeches vndertakes , Yeeld fasting stomakes such a fauour . As doth his breath , and vgly fauour . S.O.

Rogue ,

Adr.

That s all one sir she meanes to be a Lady ,

W. Does she so , and thou must be her waiting woman . Faith thou wilt make a fine dainty creature , To sit at a chamber doore and looke fleas , In thy Ladies dog while she is showing , Some slippery britcht Courtier rare faces , In a by window , foote widdow , Marry me a young and compleate gallant , Taf. How a compleat gallant ? what ? a fellow , With a hat tuck 't vp behind , and what we vse , About our hips to keepe our coates from dabling , He weares about his neeke , a farthingale : A standing coller to keepe his neate band cleane , The whilst his shirt does stinke , and is more foule , Then an in of chancery table cloth , His breeches must be pleyted as if a had Some thirty pockets , when one poore halpeny purse , Will carry all his treasure , his knees all points , As if his legs and hammes were tyde together , A fellow that has noe inside , but prates By roate , as players , and parrotts vse to doe , And to define a compleat gallant right , A mercer form'd him , a taylor made him , And a player giues him spright , Wi. Sm. Why so , in my conscience to be a Countesse , Thou wouldst marry a hedg-hog : I must confesse , T is state to haue a coxe-combe kisse your hands , While yet the chamberly is scarse wypte off , To haue an vpright vsher march before you , Bare headed in a Tuftafata ierkin Maide of your old cast gowne , shewes passing well , But when you feele your husbands pulses , that s hell , Then you fly out and bid straite smockes farwell , Taf, I hope sir what ere our husbands be , We may be honest . W. May be ; nay y' are , Women and honesty are as neere alyde , As parsons liues are to their doctrines , One and the same : but widdow now be ruld , I hope the heauens will giue thee better grace , Then to accept the father and I yet liue , To be bestowed , if you wed the stinckerd , You shall find the tale of Tantalus To be noe fable widdow . Si. Ol. How I sweate , I can hold noe longer , degenerate bastard , I here disclayme thee , casheere thee , nay more , I disinherit thee both of my loue . And liuing , get thee a gray cloake and hat And walke in Paules amongst thy casheerd mates As malancholly as the best : Taf. Come not neere me , I forbid the my house , my out-houses , My Garden , Orchard , and my backe-side , Thou shalt not harbor neere me . Sir Ol. Nay to thy greefe , Know varlet I will be wed this morning , Thou shalt not bee there , nor once be grac'd With a peece of Rosemary : I le casheere thee , Do not reply , I will not stay to heare thee . Exit . W. Sm: Now may I goe put me on a cleane shirt And hang my selfe , foot who would haue thought The Foxe had earth'd so neere me ; what s to bee done ? What miracle shall I now vndertake To winne respectiue grace with God and men ? What if I turn'd Courtier and liu'd honest ? Sure that would do it : I dare not walke the streets , For I dwindle at a Sargeant in buffe Almost as much as a new Player does At a plague bill certified forty : Well I like this widdow , a lusty plumpe drab Has substance both in bretch and purse , And pitty and sinne it were she should be wed To a furd cloacke and a night-cap . I le haue her , This widdow I will haue : her money Shall pay my debts and set me vp againe , T is heere , t is almost forg'd , which if it take , The world shall praise my wit , admire my fate . Exit . Enter Beard , Dash , Francis , Sargeant , Drawers . Bea. Sargeants beware , be sure you not mistake , For If you do . Dash. She shall be quickly bayld : She shal Corpus cum causa be remou'd , Your action entred first below , 'shall shrincke , And you shall find sir Sargeant she has friends Will sticke to her in the common place . Sar. Sir Will you procure her bayle : Bea. She shall be baylde , Drawer bring vp some wine , vse her well , Her husband is a Gentleman of sort Sa. A Gentleman of sort , why what care I : A woman of her fashion shall find More kindnesse at a lusty Sargeants hand Then ten of your Gentlemen of sort . Dash.

Sir vse her well , shee 's wife to Maister Throte :

Sar. I le vse her sir as if she were my wife , Would you haue any more . Bea. Drinke vppon that Whil'st wee go fetch her bayle . Dash , fellow Dash , With all the speed thou hast runne for our Maister , Make hast least hee be gone before thou comest , To Ladie Somerfields : I le fetch another , She shall haue baile . Dash. And a firking writte Of false imprisonment , she shall be sure Of twelue-pence damage , and fiue and twenty pound For sutes in law : I le goe fetch my Maister . Exit . Bea.

And I another :

Sar. Drawer leaue the Roome Heere Mistris a health : Fra:

Let it come sweet Rogue .

Dra: I , say you soe : then must I haue an eye , These Sargeants feede on very good reuersions , On Capons , Teales , and sometimes on a Wodcock Hot from the shrieues owne table , the knaues feed well Which makes them horrid letchers . Fra. This health is pledgd And honest Sargeant how does maister Gripe The Drawer stands aside . The keeper of the Counter , I do protest I found him alwayes fauorable to mee , A is an honest man , has often stood to me , And beene my friend and let me goe a trust For victuall when a denied it knights : but come , Let s pay and then begon , th' arrest you know Was but a trick to get from nimble Dash My husbands man : Sar. True but I haue an action At sure of Mistrisse , Sel-smocke , your quandam Baude , The summe is eyght good pound , for six weekes board , And fiue weekes loane for a red Tafata gowne Bound with a siluer lace : Fra. I doe protest , By all the honesty twixt thee and mee , I got her in that gowne in sixe weekes space Foure pound and foureteene pence giuen by a Clarke Of an Inne of Chancerie , that night I came Out of her house , and does the filthy Iade Send to me for money ? but honest Sergeant , Let me go , and say thou didst not see me , I le doe thee as great a pleasure shortly . Sar.

Shall we imbrace to night .

Fra.

With all my heart .

Ser.

Sit on my knee and kisse , Enter Beard ,

Bea.

What news boy ? why stand you Centinell ?

Dra. Do but conceale your selfe , and we shall catch My Sergeant napping . Bea.

Shall maides be heere deflowred ,

Sar.

Now kisse againe .

Draw .

Now , now . Enter Cap. and seeing the hurly burly , runs away .

Bea. Deflower virgins , rogue ? auant ye slaue , Are maides fit subiects for a Sargeants mace . So now are we once more free : ther 's for the wine . Ex. Ser. Now to our Randeuow : three pounds in gold These stops containe ; wee le quaffe in Venice glasses , And sweare some Lawyers are but silly Asses . Exeunt . Enter Captaine Face . Cap. Is the coast cleare , are these combustions ceast , And may we drinke Canary sack in peace ? Shall we haue no attendance heere you rogues , Where be these raskals that skip vp and downe , Faster then Virginall iacks ? drawers . Dra.

Sir .

Cap.

On whom waite you sir rogue ?

Dra. Faith Captaine I attend a conuenticle of Players . Ca.

How players , what is there ere a Cuckold among them ?

Dra. Ioue defend else , it stands with pollicie , That one should be a notorious Cuckold , If it be but for the better keeping The rest of his company together . Cap. When did you see sir Theophrastus Slop , The Citty Dog-maister ? Dra.

Not to day sir .

Cap.

What haue you for my supper .

Dra. Nothing ready Vnlesse you please to stay the dressing Captaine , Cap. Zownes stay the dressing ; you damned rogue , What shall I waite vpon your greasie cooke , And waite his leisure , goe downe staires roague , Now all her other customers be seru'd , Aske if your Mistresse haue a snip of Mutton Yet left for me . Dra.

Yes sir .

Cap. And good-man roague See what good thing your Kitchin-maide has left For me to worke vpon , my barrow-gutlings grumble And would haue food : Say now the Vintners wife Should bring me vp a Pheasant , Partridge , Quaile , A pleasant banquet , and extreamly loue me , Desire me to eate , kisse , and protest , I should pay nothing for it , say she should drinke Her selfe three quarters drunke , to winne my loue , Then giue me a chaine , worth some three score pounds , Say t were worth but forty , say but twenty , For Cittizens do sildome in their wooing , Giue aboue twenty pounds : say then 't is twenty , I le goe sell some fifteeene pounds worth of the chaine , To buy some clothes , and shift my lowsie linnen , And weare the rest as a perpetuall fauour , About my arme in fashion of a Bracelet , Say then her husband should grow iealious , I de make him drunke , and then I le Cuckold him , But then a Vintners wife , some Rogues will say , Which sits at Barre for the receit of custome , That smels of chippings and of broken fish , Is loue to Captaine Face , which to preuent , I le neuer come but when her best stitcht hat , Her Bowgle gowne and best wrought smock is on , Then does she neither smell of bread , of meate , Or drappings of the tap , it shall be so . Enter Boutcher , W. Smalshanke , and Constantia . Bou.

Now leaue vs boy ; blesse you Captaine Face .

Cap.

I le haue no Musick ?

W.S.

Foot doost take vs for fidlers

Cap. Then turne straight , Drawer runne downe the stares , And thanke the Gods a gaue me that great patience Not to strike you . Bou. Your patience sir is great , For you dare sildome strike . Sirra they say , You needs will wed the widdow Taffata , Nolens volens . Cap. Doe not vrge my patience , Awake not furie , new rakt vp in embers , I giue you leaue to liue . W.S. Men say y 'aue tricks , Y' are an admirable Ape , and you can doe More feates then three Babounes , we must haue some . Cap. My patience yet is great , I say be gone , My tricks are dangerous . Bou. That 's nothing , I haue brought you furniture , come get vp Vp vpon this table , doe your feates , Or I will whip you to them , doe not I know You are a lowsie knaue . Cap. How ? Lowsie knaue , Are wee not English bred ? Bou. Y' are a coward Roague , That dares not looke a Kitling in the face , If she but stare or mew . Cap. My patience yet is great : Doe you bandie troopes , by Dis I will be Knight , Weare a blew coate on great Saint Georges day , And with my fellowes driue you all from Paules For this attempt . Bou. Will you yet gee vp , I must lash you to it , Cap. By Pluto , Gentlemen , To doe you pleasure , and to make you sport , I le do 't . W.

Come get vp then quick .

Bou.

I le dresse you sir .

Cap. By Ioue 't is not for feare , But for a loue I beare vnto these tricks , That I performe it . Bou. Hold vp your snout sir , Sit handsomly , by heauen , sir you must do it , Come boy . W.S. No by this good light , I le play Him that goes with the motions . Dra

Wher 's the Cap. Gentlemen ?

W.S. Stand back boy , and be a spectator , Gentlemen You shall see the strange nature of an out-landish beast , That ha's but two legs , bearded like a man , Nosd like a Goose , and toungd like a woman , Lately brought from the land of Catita , A beast of much vnderstanding , were it not giuen Too much to the loue of Venery : do I not do it well ? Bou.

Admirably .

W. Remember noble Captaine , You skip when I shall shake my whip . Now sit , What can you doe for the great Turke ? What can you doe for the Pope of Rome ? Harke , he stirreth not , he moueth not , he waggeth not , What can you do for the towne of Geneua sirra ? He holds vp his hands insteed of praying . Con.

Sure this Baboune is a great Puritane .

Bou.

Is not this strange .

W.S. Not a whit by this light , Bankes his horse and hee were taught both in a stable . Dr.

O rare .

Cap. Zounes I le first be dam'nd , shall sport Bee laught at ; by Dis , by Pluto , and great Proserpine , My fatall blade once drawne , falls but with death , Yet if you le let me goe , I vow by Ioue , No widdow , maide , wife , punke , or Cockatrice , Shall make me haunt your goasts . Bou. 'T will not serue sir , You must shew more . Cap.

I le first be hangd and damn'd .

Foote can a iumpe so well .

Bou. Is a so quick ? I hope the slaue will haunt no more the widdow , W.S. As for that take no care , for by this light Shee le not haue thee . Bou.

Not haue me ?

W.S. No not haue thee , By this hand , flesh , and bloud , she is resolu'd To make my father a most fearefull Cuckold , And he 's resolu'd to saue his soule by her . Bou.

How by her ?

W.S. Thus , all old men which marry Young wiues , shall questionlesse be sau'd , For while th' are young , they keepe other mens wiues , And when th' are old , they keepe wiues for other men , And so by satisfaction procure saluation . Why thou deiected taile of a Crab , Does not the faire Constantia Somerfield Doate on thy filthy face ; and wilt thou wed A wanton widdow ? what canst thou see To doate on her . Bou.

Onely this , I loue her .

W.S. Doo'st loue her then , take a purgation , For loue I le assure thee is a binder :

Of all things vnder heauen , there 's no fitter parralells then a Drunkard and a Louer : for a drunkard looses his sences , so does your louer ; your drunkard is quarrelsome , so is your louer : your drunkard will sweare , lye , and speake great words , so will your louer : your drunkard is most desirous of his letchery , and so is your louer : Well the night growes old , farewell :

I am so much thy friend , that none shall bed thee , While faire Constantia is resolu'd to wed thee . Ex. Enter Thomas Smal-shank and others . T.S. Foote shall we let the wentch goe thus , My masters now show your selues Gentlemen And take a way the Lawiers wife ; Foote though I haue noe wit , yet I can , Loue a wentch and choose a wife , Gen. Why sir , what should you doe with a wife , that are held none of the wisest ? you le get none but fooles . Th. S. How fooles , why may not I a foole get a wise child as well as wise men get fooles : all lies but in the agillity of the woman : in troth I thinke all fooles are got when there mothers a sleepe ; therefore I le neuer ly with my wife but when she is brawd waking , stand to 't honest friends , knocke downe the Lieftenant and then hurry the wentch to Fleet-streete , there my father and I will this morning be married . Enter Beard and Francis , Gen.

Stand close they come .

Bea. By Ioue the night growes darke and Luna lookes , As if this hower some fifty cuckolds were making , Then let vs trudge . Gen. Downe with 'em , downe with them , away with her Maister Smal-shankes to Fleetestreet , goe the Curate there staies for you . Bea. And stayes the Curat . What s here knockt downe , and blud of men let out , Must men in darkenesse bleed , then Erebus looke big , And Boreas blow the fire of all my rage , Into his nose . Night thou art a whore , Smalshanke a rogue : and is my wench tooke from me , Sure I am guld , this was no Coccatryce , I neuer saw her before this day-light peept , What dropst thou head , this surely is the heyre , And mad will Smal-shankes lay in Ambuscado , To get her now from me , Beard : Lieftenant Beard , Thou art an asses what a dull slaue was I , That all this while smelt not her honesty . Pate I doe not pitty thee : hadst thou braines , Lieftenant Beard had got this wealthy heyre , From all these rogues , bloud to be this orereachd , In pate and wench : reueng , reuenge come vp , And with thy curled locks cling to my beard , Smale-shamkes I will betray thee : I now will trudge , To Saint Iohns streete to informe the Lady Sommerfield , Where thou art : I will preuent the match , Thou art to Fleetestreet gone , reuenge shall follow , And my incensed wrath shall like great thunder , Dispersse thy hopes and thy braue wife a sunder . Enter Lady Sommerfield , and Iustice Tutchin . Tu. Say as I say widdow , the wench is gon , But I know whether , stolne she is , well . I know by whome , say as I say widdow , I haue bin drinking hard , why say so too , Old men they can be fine , with small a doe , The law is not offended , I had no punke , Nor in an alehouse , haue I made me drunke . The statute is not broke , I haue the skill , To drinke by law , then say as I say still , La, S. To what extremes doth this licentious time , Hurry vnstayed youth , nor Gods nor Lawes , Whose penall scurges are inough to saue , Euen damned fiends , can in this looser age , Confine vnbounded youth , who durst presume , To steale my youths delight , my ages hope , Her fathers heyre , and the last noble stemme , Of all her ancestors : feare they or Gods or lawes . I. Tu. I say as you say sister , but for the lawes , There are so many that men do stand in awe , Of none at all ; take heed they steale not you . Who woes a widow with a faire full Moone Shall surely speed , beware of full Moones widdow , Will Smalshankes has your daughter no word but mum , My warrant you shall haue when time shall come . La. S.

your warrant ?

I. Tu. I my warrant widdow . My warrant can stretch far ; no more but so , T will serue to ketch a knaue , or fetch a Doe . Enter Seruingmen . Ser.

Here 's a gentleman much desirous to see you madam .

La. So.

What is a for a man .

Ser. Nothing for a man , but much for a beast , I thinke him lunatique for a demannds , What plate of his is stirring i' the house , A calls your men his Butlers , Cookes , and Steward , Kisses your woman , and makes exceeding much Of your Coach-mans wife ; I. Tu.

Then he 's a gentleman , for t is a true note of a gentleman , to make much of other mens wiues , bring him vp , a sirra , makes a much of your Choachmans wife , this geere will runne a wheeles then shortly , A man may make much more of a nother mans wife , then a can do of 's owne .

L.S.

How much brother ?

I Tu. A man may make with ease , A Punke , a Child , a Bastard , a Cuckold , of another mans wife all at a clap . And that is much I thinke . Seru.

That s my Lady .

Enter Seruingman and Throte . Thr. For that thou first hast brought me to her sight , I here create thee Clarke a the Kitching , no man shall beg it from thee . Ser.

Sure the fellowes mad .

L. S What would you sir ? I gesse your long profession , By your scant suite : your habit seemes to turne : Your inside outward to me , y' are I thinke . Some Turner of the law . Thr. Law is my liuing . And on that auncient mould I weare this outside , Suite vpon suite wasts some yet makes me thriue . First lawe , then gold , then loue , and then we wiue . I.T.

A man of forme like me but what 's your businesse ?

La.

Be briefe good sir : what makes this bold intrusion ?

Th. Intrude , I do not , for I know the lawe , It is the rule that squares out all our actions , Those actions bring in coyne , coyne gets me friends , Your sonne in law hath law at 's fingers ends . La.

My sonne in law .

Th. Madame your sonne in law , Mother I come , ( be glad I call you so ) To make a gentle breach into your fauour , And win your approbation of my choice , Your cherry-ripe sweet daughter ( so renownd , For beauty , vertue , and a wealthy dowre ) I haue espousd . La.

How ? you espouse my daughter ?

Thr. Nouerint vniuersi , the lawes of heauen , Of nature , church , and chance , haue made her mine , Therefore deliuer her by these presents . I. Tu. How 's this ? made her yours sir ? per quam regulam , Nay we are letter'd sir , as well as you , Redde rationem per quam regulam . Thr. Femini Iudificantur viros : By that same rule these lips haue taken season , Tut I do all by Statute law , and reason . La. Hence you base knaue , you petty-fogging groome , Clad in old ends , and peec'd with Brokery , You wed my daughter ? I.T. You sir Ambo-dexter , A Sumners sonne , and learn't in Norfolke wiles , Some common baile , or Counter Lawyer , Marry my neece ? your halfe sleeues shall not carry her . Thr. These Stormes will be dissolu'd in teares of ioy , Mother I doubt it not : Iustice to you , That ierke at my halfe sleeues , and yet your selfe Doe neuer weare but Buckerom out of sight , A Flannell wast-coate , or a Canuas Trusse , A shift of thrift , I vse it : let 's be friends , You know the law hath tricks , ka me , ka thee , Viderit vtilitas , the mott to these halfe armes , Corpus cum causa needs no bumbasting . We weare small hayre yet haue we tongue and wit , Lawyers close breech't haue bodies pollitick . La.

Speake , answer me sir Iack : stole you my daughter ?

Thr. Short tale to make , I fingered haue your daughter , I haue tane liuery and season of the wench , Deliuer her then , you know the Statute lawes , Shee 's mine without exception , barre or clause : Come , come , restore . La.

The fellow 's mad I thinke ,

Thr. I was not mad before I married , But ipso facto what the act may make me , That know I not . I.T. Fellows come in there , Ent. 2. or 3. Ser. By this sir you confesse you stole my Neece , And I attach you heere of fellony : Lay hold on him : I le make my Mittimus , And send him to the Iayle ; haue we no barre Nor clause to hamper you , away with him , Those clawes shall claw you to a barre of shame , Where thou shalt shew thy Goll , I le barre your claime , If I be Iustice Tutchin . Thr. Hands off you slaues , Oh! fauour my Ierkin , though you teare my flesh , I set more store by that : my Audita Querela shall be heard , and with a Certiorare I le fetch her from you with a pox . Enter Beard . Bea. What 's heere to do ? is all the world in armes ? More tumults , brawles , and insurrections , Is bloud the Theame whereon our time must treate . Thr. Heer 's Beard your Butler : a rescue Beard ; draw , Bea. Draw ? not so : my Blad 's as ominously drawne Vnto the death of nine or ten such groomes , As is a knife vnsheath'd with the hungry maw , Threatning the ruine of a chine of Beefe : But for the restlesse toile it tooke of late , My blade shall sleep awhile . Th.

Helpe .

Be. Stop thee Throate And heare me speake , whose bloody Characters , Will shew I haue beene scuffling : briefly thus , Thy wife , your daughter , and your louely Neece , Is hurri'd now to Fleet-streete , the damn'd crew With glaues and clubs haue rapt her from these armes , Throate thou art bobd , although thou boughtst the heyre , Yet hath the slaue made a re-entry . I. Tu.

Sirra what are you ?

Th.

My Ladies Butler sir .

Bea.

Not I by heauen .

Thr. By this good light he swore it , And for your daughters loue he ran away . Bea.

By loue I guld thee Throte .

I.T. More knauery yet , Lay hands on him , pinion them both , And guarde them hence towards Fleet-streete , come away , Bea. Must we be led like theeues , and pinniond walke , Spent I my bloud for this ? is this my hyre ? Why then burne rage , set Beard and nose on fire . I.T.

On , on I say .

Thr.

Iustice , the law shall firke you .

Actus Quinti . Scaena 1. Enter William Small-shanke . W.S. On this one houre depends my hopes and fortunes , Foote I must haue this widdow : what should my Dad Make with a wife , that scarce can wipe his nose , Vntrusse his points , or hold a Chamber-pot , Steddy till a pisses : The doores are fast , 'T is now the midst of night ; yet shall this chaine , Procure accesse and conference with the widdow : What though I cheate my father , all men haue sinnes , Though in their seuerall kinds , all ends in this , So they get gold , they care not whose it is . Begging the Court , vse beares the Cittie out , Lawyers their quirkes , thus goes the world about , So that our villanies haue but different shapes , Th' effects all one , and poore men are but Apes , To imitate their betters , this is the difference , All great mens sinnes must still be humored , And poore mens vices largely punished , The priuiledge that great men haue in euill , Is this , they go vnpunisht to the Diuell Therefore I le in , this chaine I know will mooue , Gold and rich stones , wins coyest ladies loue . Knocks . Adr.

What would you sir , that you do knock so boldly .

I must come in to the widdow .

Adr. How come in , The widdow has no entrance for such mates . W. Doost heere sweet Chamber-maid , by heauen I come , With letters from my father , I haue brought her stones , Iewels and chaines , which she must vse to morrow . Adr. Y' are a needy knaue , and will lye : Your father has casheerd you , nor will a trust you , Begon , least I doe wash you hence . W. Doost heere , By this good night , my Father and I are friends , Take but this cheine for token , giue her that , And tell her I haue other things for her , Which by my fathers will I am commanded To giue to her owne hands . Adr. Say you so , Introth I thinke you le prooue an honest man , Had you once got a beard : let me see the cheine , W. S , Doost thinke I lye ? by this good light Adrian I loue her with my soule , heer 's letters And other Iewels sent her from my father , Is shee a bed . Adr. By my virginity , Shee is vncast , and ready to slip in , Betwixt the sheetes , but I will beare hir this , And tell her what you say . W.S. But make some hast , Why so 't will take , zart how a waiting maide , Can shake a fellow vp that is casheerd , And has no money : foote should she keepe the chaine , And not come downe , I must turne Cittizen , Be banckrout , and craue the Kings protection But heere she comes . Taf. What would you sir with vs , That on the suddaine , and so late you come . W.S. I haue some secrets to acquaint you with , Please you to let the chamber maide shake off , And stand as Centinel . Taf. It shall not need , I hope I haue not brought her vp so ill , But that she knowes how to containe your secrets , As well as I her Mistresse : Therefore on . W. It is not fit forsooth that I should on , Before she leaue the roome . Adr. T is not indeed . Therefore I le waite in the with-drawing roome Vntill you call . Taf.

Now sir , what 's your will ?

W. S , Deere widdow , pitty the state of a young , Poore , yet propper Gentleman , by Venus pap Vpon my knees I 'de creepe vnto your lap For one small drop of fauour , and though this face Is not the finest face , yet t 'as beene praisd By Ladies of good iudgment in faces . Taf.

Are these your secrets ?

W.S. You shall haue secrets More pleasing , nay heere sweet widdow , Some wantons doe delight to see men creepe , And on their knees to woe them . Taf. I am none of those , Stand vp , I more desire a man should stand , Then cringe and creepe that meanes to winne my loue , I say stand vp , and let me goe ye 'ad best . W.S. For euer let me creepe vpon the ground , Vnlesse you heere my sute . Taf. How now sir sawce , Would you be capring in your fathers saddle , Away you casheerd yonger brother , begon , Doe not I know the fashions of you all , When a poore woman has laide open all Her thoughts to you , then you grow proud and coy , But when wise maides dissemble and keepe close , Then you poore snakes come creeping on your bellyes , And with all oyled lookes prostrate your selues , Before our beauties sunne , where once but warme , Like hatefull snakes you strike vs with your stings , And then forsake vs , I know your tricks begon . W.S. Foote I le first be hang'd , nay if you go You shall leaue your smock behinde you widdow , Keepe close your womanish weapon , hold your tongue , Nor speake , cough , sneeze or stampe , for if you doe , By this good blade I le cut your throte directly , Peace , stirre not , by Heauen I le cut your throate If you but stirre : speake not , stand still , go to , I le teach coy widdowes a new way to woe , Come you shall kisse , why so , I le stab by Heauen If you but stirre , now heere , first kisse againe , Why so , stirre not , Now come I to the point , My hopes are past , nor can my present state , Affoord a single halfe-penny , my father Hates me deadly ; to beg , my birth forbids , To steale , the law , the hangman , and the Rope With one consent deny ; to go a trust , The Citty common-councell has forbad it , Therefore my state is desperate , stirre not , And I by much will rather choose to hang , Then in a ditch or prison-hole to starue , Resolue , wed me , and take mee to your bed , Or by my soule I le straite cut off your head , Then kill my selfe , for I had rather dye , Then in a street liue poore and lowsily : Doe not I know you cannot loue my father . A widdow that has knowne the quid of things , To doate vpon an old and crased man , That stinkes at both ends , worsse then an elder pype , Who when his bloud and spirit are at the height , Hath not a member to his palsie body , But is more limber then a Kings head pudding , Tooke from the pot halfe sod doe I not know this ? Haue you not wealth enough , to serue vs both ? And am not I a pritty handsome fellow , To doe your drudgery , come , come , resolue . For by my bloud , if you deny your bed , I le cut your throat , without equiuocation , If you be pleased hold vp your finger , if not By heauen I le gar my whyniard through your weombe , I st a match . Taf.

Here me but speake .

W.S.

You le prate to loud .

Ta.

No .

W.S.

Nor speake one word against my honest sute .

Ta.

No by my worth

W.S.

Kisse vpon that and speake ,

Ta. I dare not wed , men say y are naught you le cheate ▪ And you do keepe a whore . WS. That is a lie , She keepes her selfe and me , yet I protest , Shee s not dishonest . Ta.

How could she then maintaine you ,

W.S. Why by her commings in , a little thing , Her friends haue left her which with putting to best vse . And often turning yeelds her a poore liuing , But what of that ; she s now shooke off , to thee I le onely cleaue , I le be thy marchant . And to this welthy fayre , I le bring my ware , And here set vp my standing : therefore resolue , Nought but my sword is left if t be a match , Clap hands , contract and straite to bed , If not , pray , forgiue and straight goes off your head . Ta.

I take thy loue .

W.S.

Then straite le ts both to bed .

Ta.

I le wed to morrow .

W.S. You shall not sleepe vpon t . An honest contract is as good as marriadge . A bird in hand you know the prouerbe widdow , Ta. To let me tell thee , I le loue thee while I liue , For this attempt giue me that lusty lad , That winnes his widdow with his well drawne blade , And not with oaths and words : a widdows woing , Not in bare words but should consist in doing , I take thee to my husband . W.S. I thee to wife , Now to thy bed and there wee le end this strife . Enter Sir Oliuer and Fidlers . S.O. Warme bloud the yong mans slaue , the ould mans God Makes me so stirre thus soone , it stirs ifayth , And with a kind of Itching pricks me on , To bid my bride boun Iour , O this desire , Is euen another filtcht promethian fire , By which we old men liue , performance then , I that s poore old mens baine , that in old men , Comes limping off more lame God knowes then he , Which in a close , a hot and dangerous fight , Has bin dismembred and craues by letter patents , Yet scarce a woman that considers this , Women haue tricks firks and farthinggales , A generation are they full of subtilty , And all most honest where they want the meanes . To be otherwise . Therefore I le haue an eie My widdow goes not oft to visit kinsfolkes , By birth she is a Ninny , and that I know , Is not in London held the smalest kindred , I must haue wits and braines , come on my friends , Out with your tooles , and too t , a strane of mirth . And a pleasant song to wake the widdow . Enter W.S. aboue in his shirt . W.S. Musitions , mnistrills , foote rogues , For Gods loue leaue your filthy squeaking noyse And get you gone , the widdow and my selfe , Will scamble out the shaking of the sheets , Without your musicke , we haue no need of fidlers , To our dauncing , foote haue you no manners , Cannot a man take his naturall rest . For your scraping , I shall wash your gut-strings . If you but stay a while ; yet honest rascalls , If you le let vs haue the tother crash The widdow and I le keepe time , there s for your paines , S.O. How s this ? will the widdow and you keepe time , What trycke ? what quiddit ? what figare is this ? My casheerd Sonne speake from the widdowes chamber , And in his shirt ha , sure she is not there , T is so she has tooke him in for pitty , And now remoues her chamber I will home , On with my neatest robes , perfume my beard , Eate cloues , Eringoes and drinke some aquauita . To sweeten breath and keepe my weame from wambling . Then like the moneth of March , come blustring in , Marry the widdow shake vp this springall , And then as quiet as a sucking lambe , Close by the widdow will I rest al night , As for my breath I haue crotchets and deuises , Ladies ranke breaths are often healpt with spices . Enter Adriana , and another strawing hearbs . Adr. Come straw a pace , Lord shall I neuer liue , To walke to Church on flowers . O t is fine , To see a bride tryp it to Church so lightly , As if her new choppines would scorne to bruze A silly flower : and now I prethee tell me , What flower thinkest thou is likest to a woman ? Vi.

A marigold I thinke .

Adr.

Why a mary gold :

Vi. Because a little heate makes it to spred , And open wide his leaues . Adr. Th art quite wide , A marigold doth open wide all day , And shuts most close at night ; I hope thou knowst , All wenches doe the contrary : but sirra , How does thy Vncle the old Doctor , Dost thinke hee le be a Bishop ? Vi. O questionlesse , For has got him a young wife , and carried her , To Court already : but now I prethee say , Why will the widdow wedd so old a knight , Adr.

Why for his riches .

Vi. For riches onely , Why riches cannot giue her her delight , Adr. Ritches I hope can soone procure her one Shall giue her her delight that s the Diuell , That s it ifaith makes vs waiting gentlewomen Liue maides so long . Vi.

Thinke you so .

Adr. Yes infaith , Married women quite haue spoyled the market , By hauing secret friends besides their husbands , For if these married wiues would be content To haue but one a peece I thinke in troth , There would be doings enough for vs all , And till we get an act of parliament , For that our states are desperate . Enter Boucher and Constan. Come straw a peece . Con.

So ho ho , Maister .

Bou.

Boy ,

Con. Introth I thought y 'ad beene more fast asleepe , Then a midwife or a Puritane Taylor , At a sonday euenings Lecture , but sir Why do you rise so soone ? Bou.

To see the widdow ,

Con. The weaker you , you are forbid a widdow , And 't is the first thing you will fall into . Me thinkes a young cleere skind country Gentlewoman , That neuer saw Babounes , Lyons , or Courtiers , Might prooue a handsome wife , or what do you say To a Citizens daughter , that neuer was in loue With a Player , that neuer learnt to daunce , That neuer dwelt neere any Inne a Court , Might not she in time prooue an honest wife ? Faith take a maide , and leaue the widdow , Maister Of all meates I loue not a gaping Oyster , Bou,

God speed your workes faire maides .

Ad. You much mistake , T is no worke . Bou.

What then .

Adr. A preparation To a worke sir . Bou.

What worke sweet Ladies ?

Adr.

Why to a mariage ? that s a worke I thinke ,

Bou. How ? a preparation to a mariage , Of whom kind maids , of whom ? Adr. And why kind maids ? I hope you haue had no kindnesse at our hand , To make you say so : but sir vnderstand , That Sir Oliuer Smal-shanke the noble Knight , And mistresse Tafata the rich widdow , Must this day be coupled , conioyned , Married , espoused , wedded , contracted , Or as the Puritaine sayes , put together , And so sir , to the shifting of our cleane smocks , Wee leaue you . Bou. Married , and to day , Dissention , Iealousie , hate , beggery , With all the dire euents which breed dislike In nuptiall beds , attend her bridall steps , Can vowes and oathes , with such protesting action , As if their hearts were spit forth with their words , As if their soules were darted through their eyes , Be of no more validity with women ? Haue I for her contem'd my fixed fate . Neglected my faire hopes , and scorn'd the loue Of beautious , vertuous , and honor'd Constantia . Con.

Now workes it with my wish : my hopes are full .

Bou. And I ingag'd my worth and ventur'd life On yonder buffolne face , to haue men scorne , And poynt at my disgrace : first will I leaue to liue : There take my purse , liue thou to better fate . Bouch . hangs himselfe . Better thus die , then liue vnfortunate . Con. Aye mee accurst : helpe , helpe , murther murther , Curst be the day and houre that gaue me breath , Murther , murther : if any Gentleman Can heare my plaints , come forth and assist me . W. What out-cryes call me from my naked bed , Who calls Ieronimo , speake here I am . Con. Good sir leaue your struggling and acting , And helpe to saue the life of a distressed man , O helpe if you be Gentlemen ! W. What 's here ? A man hangd vp and all the murtherers gone ? And at my doore to lay the guilt on me . This place was made to pleasure Cittizens wiues , Enter Tafata . And not to hange vppe honest Gentlemen Taf. Where be these lazie knaues ? some raise the house , What ment the cry of murther ? where 's my loue ? W. Come Isabella , helpe me to lament , For sighes are stopt , and all my teares are spent . These clothes I oft haue seene , aye me my friend : Pursue the murtherers , rayse all the street Con.

It shall not need , a stirs , giue him breath .

W. Is there yet life , Horatio my deere boy , Horatio ! Horatio , what hast thou mis-done , To lose thy life when life was new begunne ? Bou. Zeart a man had as good be hangd outright , As to indure this clapping : shame to thy sexe , Perfidious periur'd woman , wher 's thy shame ? How can thy modesty forbeare to blush , And knowst I know thee an adultresse ? Haue not thy vowes made thee my lawfull wife Before the face of heauen ? where is thy shame ? But why speake I of shame to thee , whose face , Is steel'd with custom'd sinne , whose thoughts want grace : The custome of thy sinne so luls thy sence : Women nere blush , though nere so foule th' offence , To breake thy vow to me and straight to wed , A doting stinckerd . W. Sm. But hold your tongue , Or by this light I le trusse you vp againe , Zeart rayle on my wife , am I a stinkerd , Or do I dote ? speake such another word , And vp you trusse againe , am I a stinkerd ? Bou,

The knight your father is :

W. Why who denies it . He supplants thee and I supplanted him . Come come , you shall be friends come forgiue her : For by this light there is no remedy , Vnlesse you will betake you to my leauings . Con, Rather then so I le helpe you to a wife : Ritch , well borne , and by some accounted fayre , And for the worth of her Virginity , I dare presume to pawne my honesty : What say you to Constantia Somerfield ? W.

Do'st know where she is boy ?

Con. I do , nay more , If he but sweare to imbrace her constant loue , I le fetch her to this place . W. A shall do it boy , Enter Sir Oliuer and Fiddlers . A shall do it , goe fetch her boy , foote my father , Stand too 't now old wench , stand too 't now . S. Ol. Now fresh and youthfull as the month of May , I le bid my Bryde good morrow , Musitions on , Lightly , lightly , and by my knighthoods spurre , This yeere you shall haue my protection , And yet not buy your liuery coates your selues : God morrow Bride , fresh , fresh , as the month of May , I come to kisse thee on thy wedding day . W. Sauing your tale sir , I le shew you how , Aprill showers spring May flowers , So merrily singes the Cucko : The truth is , I haue laide my knife abord , The widdow sir is wedded . S. Ol.

Ha ,

Bedded .

S. Ol.

ha :

W. Why my good father what should you do with a wife ? Would you be crested ? will you needs thrust your head In on of Vulcans Helmets ? will you perforce Weare a Citty cappe and a Court feather ? S. Ol.

Villaine , slaue , thou hast wrong'd my wife .

W. S not so , Speake my good wench , haue I not done thee right . Taf. I finde no fault , and I protest Sir Oliuer . I 'd not haue lost the last two houres sleepe , I had by him , for all the wealth you haue . S. Ol. Villaine slaue , I le hang thee by the statute , Thou hast two wiues . W.S. Be not so furious sir , I haue but this , the other was my whore , Which now is married to an honest Lawyer . S. Ol.

Thou villaine slaue thou hast abus'd thy father .

Bou. Your sonne ifaith , your very sonne ifaith , The villaine boy has one trick of his sire , Has firkt away the wench , has pierst the hogshead , And knowes by this the vintadge . S. Ol.

I am vndone .

Bou.

You could not loue the widdow but her wealth .

S. Ol.

The deuill take my soule but I did loue her .

Taf, That oath doth shew you are a Northen Knight , And of all men aliue , I le neuer trust , A Northen man in loue . S. Ol.

And why ? and why slut .

Taf. Because the first word he speakes is the Diuell Take his soule , and who will giue him trust , That once has giuen his soule vnto the Diueil . W.S. Shee sayes most true father , the soule once gon , The best part of a man is gone . Taf. And ifaith If the best part of a man be once gone , The rest of the body is not worth a rush , Though it be nere so handsome . Enter La , Somerfield , Throte & Beard bound , & Iu. Tutch . La. S.

Bring them away .

W. How now ? My Lawyer pinion'd I begin to stinke Already . La. S.

Cheater my daughter .

W.S.

Shee 's mad .

Thr.

My wife sir , my wife .

W.S. They 're mad , starke mad , I am sorry sir you haue lost those happy wits By which you liu'd so well . The ayre growes cold , Therefore I le take my leaue . La. So. Stay him officers , Sir 't is not your trickes of wit can carry it . Officers attache him , and this Gentleman , For stealing away my heire . W.S. You do me wrong , Zart I neuer saw your heire . Thr. That 's a lye , You stole her , and by chance I married her . W, S.

God giue you ioy sir .

Thr. Aske the Butler else , Therefore widdow release me , for by no law , Statute or booke case , of Vicesimo Edwardi Secundi , nor by the Statute Of Tricesimo Henrici sexti , Nor by any booke case of decimo Of the late Queene , am I accessarie , Part , or party confederate , a better , Helper , seconder , perswader , forwarder , Principall or maintainer of this late theft : But by law , I forward , and shee willing , Clapt vp the match , and by a good Statute Of Decimo tertio Richardi quarti , She is my leefull lawfull , and my true Married wife , teste Liftenant Beard . W. Who liues would thinke that you could prate so fast , Your hands being bound behind you , foote a talkes With as much ease as if a were in 's shirt . S. Ol.

I am witnesse thou hadst the heire .

I. Tu.

So am I .

Thr.

And so is my man Dash .

Bou. Heere me but speake , Sit you as Iudges , vndoe the Lawyers hands , That a may freely act , and I le be bound That William Smalshanke shall put your Throte to silence , And ouer-throw him at his owne weapon . I. Tu. Agreed , take each his place , and heere the case Argued betwixt them two . Om.

Agreed , agreed .

I. Tu.

Now Throte or neuer , stretch your selfe .

Thr.

Feare not

W.S.

Heere stand I for my client , this Gentleman .

Thr.

I for the widdow .

Begin .

Thr. Right worshipfull I say that William Small-shanke mad-man , Is by a Statute made in Octauo Of Richard Cordelion guilty to the law Of fellony , for stealing this Ladies heire , That a stole her , the proofe is most pregnant , He brought her to my house , confest himselfe , A made great meanes to steale her , I likt her , ( And finding him a nouice ) truth to tell , Married her my selfe , and as I said , By a Statute Richardi Quarti , Shee is my lawfull wife . W.S. For my client , I say the wench brought vnto your house , Since all our friends so happily are met , Here will I choose a husband : this be the man , Whom since I left your house in shape of Page , I still haue followed . W. S Foot would I had knowne so much , I would haue beene bold to haue laine with your page . Con.

Say am I welcome .

Bou.

As is my life and soule ,

La. S. Heauen giue you ioy , Since all so well succeeds , take my consent , W.S. Then are we all pair'd , I and my lasse , You and your wife , the lawyer and his wench , And father fall you aborde of the widdow , But then my brother . T.S.

Faith I am a foole .

W.S. That s all one ; If God had not made Some elder-brothers fooles , how should witty Yonger brothers be maintain'd , Strike vp Musick , le ts haue an old song , Since all my tricks haue found so good successe , Wee le sing , dance , dice , and drinke downe heauinesse . FINIS .

Epilogus . THus two houres haue brought to end , What many tedious houres haue pend , A dares not glory nor distrust , But he ( as other writers must ) Submits the censures of his paines To those whose wit and nimble braines , Are able best to iudge : and as for some , Who fild with malice , hether come To belch their poyson on his labour , Of them he doth intreate no fauour , But bids them hang , or soone amend , For worth shall still it selfe defend , And for our selues wee doe desire , You le breath on vs that growing fire , By which in time wee may attaine , Like fauours which some others gaine : For bee assur'd our loues shall tend , To equall theirs , if not transcend . FINIS .

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