On a Scholler .

A Scholler that chanc'd in the night time to bee lockt out of their Colledge gates , wherfore hee knockt and a friend of his that heard it , came to the gates , of whom hee desired that hee would goe to the head of the house to get the keyes he being within side answered him that he were best to goe himselfe for hee feared hee should nor prevaile .

Of some that went to steal Conies .

A Company of wilde Schollers in the Vniversity , went forth on a time to steale conies , and warned a novice or freshman that was among them , that hee should make no noise for feare of scaring them away , so having separated themselves , at last it was his fortune to espy a stocks , wherfore he cryed aloud to his companions , Ecce cuniculi multi , ( in English , loe where are many conies ) & straightway the conies all ran to their berries , for which his fellowes chiding him , hee saide why , who ( a devill ) would have thought that conies could understand Latine .

Of Scotus .

A Certaine Noble man sitting at table , opposite to Scotus , amongst other discourse merrily asked him , what was the difference betweene Sot and Scot , he answered him , nothing but the table Sir .

On a Curate .

A Country Curate comming to Oxford to take his degree of Mr. of Arts , was askt by the head of the house whereof he was a small member , how hee durst being so greene , to enter himself into the Ministry ? the Curate answered him ; because the Lord hath neede of me , the other replyed , I never heard the Lord had need of any thing but an Asse .

On a Bishop bearing Armes .

A Bishop that had borne Armes against a King , was by him taken and kept prisoner : whereupon the Pope writ to the King , that hee had much violated the priviledge of the holy Church , in taking one of his sonnes captive , and keeping him as a prisoner . The King having received his letters , sent backe to him the armour wherein the Bishoppe was taken , with these words ; Vide num haec sit vestis filii tui : see ( I pray ) if this be the habit of one of your sonnes ?

Of an Heretique .

A Certaine Heretick whose Bookes were ( for the wrong tenents in them ) condemned to the fire , he himselfe being at the pile , a spectator made use of that verse of Ovid ,

Parve , nec invideo , sine me liber ibis in ignem .

One who was standing by and heard him , made reply with the next verse , Hei mihi quod Domino , non licet ire tuo .

Of an Alderman .

A Discreet Alderman of Oxford , told some of his brethren that they should overthrow the Vniversity in a law case ( which was then in agitation ) if by searching the ancient records they could prove Henry the second to have beene before Henry the first .

On unlacing a Rabbet .

A Plaine , but an understanding scholler , being at table with certaine Ladies , they conculded privately to make some sport with him , wherefore one of them sent him a Rabbet , desiring him to unlace it , hee scarce knowing the terme , lesse how to performe her desire , tooke out of the Rabbet the kidneies , and putting them on a trencher sent them to her , desiring her to pardon him , for though hee had not unlac't it , yet he had unbutton'd it for her Ladiship .

On an Oxford Townesman .

A Townesman of Oxford being in company with Schollers , and hearing them discourse , wold needs intermingle with them , and told them that though they were Schollers , yet could he tell as well as any of them , what was Latine for any part in a mans body , yea , saies one of them , prethee what is Latine for a Townesmans head ? a head , saith hee , and withall producing his Almanacke , lookt on the Anatomy and answered , why , Aries head and face , at which the company laughing , he swore that if it were not Aries it was Taurus .

Of a Country Curate .

A Silly Country Curate came to London in the time of the sicknesse , and seeing Lord have mercy upon us , written on the doore of an infected house , Marry quoth he , it is a very goodly sentence , and great pitty it is , but it should bee written on every house in London .

On a Welchman in Oxford .

AT a stage play in Oxford , a Cornish man was brought forth to wrestle with foure Welchmen , one after the other , and when he had put them all to the worst , hee called out a loud have you any more Welchmen ? which words a scholler of Iesus Colledge , being himselfe of the Brittish Nation tooke in great endagine , insomuch that he leapt upon the stage and threw the Player in earnest , and saide have you any more , &c.

Of a Scholler being troubled with a tyred horse .

A Scholler upon the way was tormemted with a tired horse , and not knowing otherwise how to make him goe , held out on a sticke a bottle of hay before his head , which the horse being greedy to overtake , put forward and so performed the journey .

Of an old Henne .

A Certaine Alderman had heard a scholler at table say of an old goose , ( as once Erasmus ) that it was one of those that saved the Roman Capitoll , the jest being by the company applauded , the Alderman himselfe said it afterward of an old henne , that it was one that saved the Capitoll .

Of a Scholler and a Townesmans wife .

A Scholer comming to a Townesmans wife , enquiring of her very earnestly for her husband , telling her withall that hee was surely falne into the fire , she presently looking , and finding no such matter , demanded what shold make him thinke so ? why ( quoth hee ) there is such a stink of hornes before the doore , that I would have sworne your husband had burnt bis head .

On the falling of a Meteor .

ONe seeing a Meteor fal down when an Astronomer was taking the height of a Starre with his Jacobs staffe , cryed out unto him , O well shot ifaith !

Of a Blinde man .

WHen Iulian the Apostate in a mocke demanded of blinde Ignatius , why he went not to Galilee to recover his eye-sight , hee made him this answer , no , I am contented with my blindenesse , because I may not see such a tyrant as thou art .

Of a Boy like Augustus .

AUgustus Caesar , an Emperor of Rome , travelling through one of the Provinces ; saw a boy very like to himselfe , wherefore in a scoffe hee askt him if his mother was never at Rome , the boy answered no , but my Father was .

On a Player coughing .

A Player being slain upon the stage , was troubled with a suddain cough , which hee endeavouring to suppresse was manifestly seene to shake and move , and at last did cough indeed . At which the Spectators laughing , one of his owne Company standing by , said that hee was wont to drinke in his pottage .

Of a Welch Minister .

A Welch Minister being to Preach on a Sunday , certaine merry companions had got him into a celler , to drinke his mornings draught , and in the meane while stole his Notes out of his pocket . Hee nothing doubting went to the Church , into the pulpit , where having ended his prayer , he mist at last his Notes , wherefore hee saide : My good neighbors I have lost my Sermon , but I will reade you a Chapter in Job shall be worth two of it .

On a great messe of Broth .

A Certaine merry Gentleman seeing a great messe of broth set on the Table with a little chop of Mutton in the middest of it , hastily unbuttoned his doublet , and being asked by the rest what was his meaning , why , quoth hee , I meane to swimme through this Sea of pottage , unto the Isle of Mutton .

Of a great Eater .

A Gormandizer being about to sit downe at table , complained that hee had lost his stomack . Well ( quoth one that stood by ) if a poore man hath found it , he is directly undone .

Of a Cavilleire .

A Certaine Cavalleire slighted a man in his company as being a Scholler . Well Sir ( answered he ) God might have made you a Scholler too if had pleased him .

One being to take a journey .

ONe being taking a journey into the Country was advised by a friend of his not to go that day for certainely ( quoth hee ) it will raine , puh ( replies the other ) it is no matter for raine , so it hold up underfoot .

Of one that married a crooked woman .

A Gentleman had taken to wife a woman of good conditions , but crooked of body , which being by some objected unto him , hee said that God had bowed her and sent her to him for a token .

A Cuckold .

AN Oxford Townsman speaking of his former wife , said thus ? If a man first marry a whore and after her death an honest woman , am I a Cuckold then ?

A division of a Text .

A Scholler of the Vniversity of Oxford , being to Preach there in one of the Parish Churches , and owing much money unto men of the same Parish , chose this Text out of the Gospell . Have patience , and I will pay you all .

Which he divided into these parts .

1. An Exhortation , have patience with me .

2. A Promise , and I will pay you all .

At this time of my Exhortation , And of the Promise , when God shall enable mee .

Of a Mayor .

A Major of a Towne wherein were many Tanners , had caused the wayes to be repaired against the Kings comming thither , by casting good store of hornes into the deepe places amongst the stones . The King at his comming commended his care . Nay ( an 't please your Majesty ) quoth he , my brethren and I did lay our heads together that wee might make good way for your Majesty , at which the King heartily laughed .

Of one who had long haire .

A Scholler calling after one that had long haire ; hee not hearing him at the first or second call , askt him whether his eares were lockt .

Of Diogenes .

ONe as king Diogenes the Cynicke what hee would have to take a cuffe on the eare , he answered him a helmet . The same man walking in the fields , and seeing a young man shooting very unskilfully , went and sate downe very neere the marke , some asking him why hee did so , hee answered least peradventure hee should hit mee that shootes .

Mistakes in reading .

ONe reading the history of Elisha , in the old Testament , and how the children mocked him , read , and there came three shee Boares out of the forrest and devoured them .

Another .

ANother reading part of an Epistle in the new Testament , read , for salute Epaphras the chosen of the Lord , salute Epaphras the cozen of the Lord . The same man reading of the uncovering the house in the Gospell , to let downe the diseased , read , and they let them downe in Coaches , for Couches .

Another .

ANother reading in the Psalmes , hee shall flourish like a greene bay ( tree following ) turned over two leaves , and read on , horse and mule , in which is no understanding .

Another .

ANother reading the Parable of the Sower , having it as he thought by heart , and not much attending the booke , but did halfe read it thus , and some seed fel amongst stones , and the stones grew up and choaked it . The same at another time read , and the Sheepe eate up one of the mountaines , for , the Sheepe eate upon the mountaines .

Another .

ANother being to read that of Saint Paul , in the Acts , Hebraei sunt , sum & ego , read , ebrei sunt sum & ego , whereas hee was drunke indeed .

The division of a Text .

A Certaine Country Minister divided his Text after this manner , my Text hath two parts , whereof like those two women grinding at the Mill , the one must bee chosen and the other left . Another thus , my Text like Iudas doth burst asunder , and naturally divides it selfe into these two parts .

Another .

ANother dividing this Text , seeke , and you shall finde , and willing to imitate the second division in Logicke distinguished of foure sorts of seekers .

1. Some seeke and finde not .

2. Others finde and seeke not .

3. Some both seeke and finde .

4. Others neither seeke nor finde .

Another .

ANother taking this Text , of the feast in the Gospell , how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment ? and the man was speechlesse , divided it thus .

1. A question , how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment ?

2. An answer , and the man was speechlesse .

Of unequall legges .

A Chaplaine in Oxford , having one legge bigger then the other , was told by a Scholler that his legges might well bee Chaplaines too , for they were never like to be fellowes .

Of a Scholler .

A Scholler had beene walking in the fields , and comming home againe said , this winde is the unconstantest thing that is in the earth , I walkt out right halfe a mile even now , and it blew directly in my face ; I was no sooner returned and it blew in my backe . The same man comming into their Colledge Kitchen , chose out of the skillet all the swimming egges ( which are most commonly the worst ) for his owne dinner , and being askt why hee did so , because ( quoth hee ) these should be Duck eggs by their swimming .

Of two being at bowles .

TWo being together at bowels , at last they wrangled with each other , in reckoning their games , one of them deepely swearing that it was thus , the other said , how horribly dost thou sweare , it is the great mercy of God , that the bowling greene doth not fall about thy eares .

Of the death of Iulius Caesar .

CErtaine Schollers were discoursing of the death of Julius Caesar , and all concluded that he was slaine with bodkins , one hearing it , demanded whether that were not Iulius Caesar , whose picture stands before the Almancke .

A translation of a Disticke .

PIstor erat quondam , laborando qui fregit collum .

Qui fregit collum , collum fregitque suum .

Translated by the Scholler that made them , after this manner .

There was a Baker heretofore with labor and great paine :

Did break his neck , and breake his necke , and breake his necke againe .

A Construction .

A Schoole Boy being to construe that in Terence , ventum erat ad vestae , rendred it in this manner , ventum the winde , erat was , vestae in the West , at which the Schoole-Master laughing said , it was then time to hoyst up sayle , and withall untrust the boy and trimmed his pinnace .

Another .

A Young Deacon , being to bee made Minister , the Bishop in his examination put him to construe that verse of Seneca the Tragaedian ; Curae leves loquuntur , ingentes stupent , Hee did it thus , Curae leves , little Curates , loquuntur , doe Preach , Ingentes great Bishops , stupent doe hold their peace .

Of a piece pawned .

A Scholler having beene in the fields a shooting , comming home went into an Alehouse , where wanting money for the present hee left his peece to discharge the shot . The same man comming from Sermon went into a Taverne where having ourdranke his purse hee desired the Vintner to take his word , which because hee refused , hee threw him his Bible , and told him if hee would not take his word , hee should take Gods Word for it .

Anignorant Papist .

A Iesuite administring the Sacrament to a sicke Papist on a Friday , according to the order said , Take eate , this is Christs body , the sicke man answered him , that it stood against his conscience to eate flesh on a Fryday , for he never used so to doe .

Of a Neates tongue let fall .

A Servitor in Oxford , serving to the Table a Neates tongue , let it fall by the way , being chid by his M. for it , he said it was but Lapsus Linguae .

Another by chance shed a dish of broath on his Masters Table , hee reprehending him said , sirra , I could have done so much my selfe , no marvaile Sir ( quoth he ) now you have seene mee doe it before you .

Of a Skull .

AN Oxford Skull being asked how he got so much wit , being but a Skull , hee answered where should the wit bee but in the skull .

Of a Taylor .

A Taylour of the same Towne having his legges well beaten at cudgels , the company laughing at him , hee said , Gentlemen why laugh yee , they are not my legs I stand upon .

Of a dry Preacher .

A Gentleman being at Sermon , where a dull fellow preacht almost all his Auditory out of the Church , said that he made a very mooving Sermon .

Of a Clowne .

A Country fellow comming into the Schoole of Medicine in Oxford , and seeing there the mans skinne tanned , said that the skin wold make good Bucks-leather gloves .

Of a cleare night .

ONe walking abroad in a cleare Mooneshining night , said it was as fine a night as any is in England . Another swore it was as fine a night as a man shall see in a Sommers day .

Of a Scholler .

A Scholler as he was blowing the fire in a winter night , his bellowes nose fell out , Gentlemen quoth he , it must needs bee cold weather when the bellowes nose doth droppe .

Of a Welchman .

A Scholler examining a Welchman who was also a Scholler in the Meteoro-logickes , asked him , quid est capra saltans ? The Welchman answered in English , that it was a capring Goat .

Of a Scholler that had soare legges .

A Scholler keeping his chamber very closely , by reason of his fore legges , was askt by another , how hee could keepe in so much , having such running legges .

Of a young Scholler .

A Young Scholler was very much perplexed , because in all his Dictionary , hee could not finde what was Latine for Aquavitae . Another because he could not finde Latine for a Noble .

Of two Schollers requiting each others kindnesse .

A Certaine Seholler had occasion to make use of a booke which hee himselfe wanted , wherefore he sent to another to borrow it for a short time , but hee sent him word that hee could not lend his booke out of doores , but that he should come to his chamber and reade while he would . The Scholler being to have private use of it , furnished himselfe anotherwhere , and afterward wayled a requitall , which was thus offered : Two dayes after the other came to him to borrow his bellowes , hee made him answer , indeede I cannot lend my bellowes out of doores , but come to my chamber and blow whiles you will .

Witty answers .

Qu . WHy is Coelum which is Latine for Heaven , onely of the masculine gender , in the plurall number .

An Because that I thinke few women shall come there , or at least such as are singular .

Qu . Why amongst the rest of the planets doth Venus cast a shadow ?

An. Because her deeds doe most wantit .

Qu . Why doth the man weare the horns whereas the woman doth make them ?

An Because the man is the head .

Qu . Suppose you and I were in a roome to gether , you being naked , pray which part would you first cover .

An. Your eyes Sir . A Question proposed to a Gentlewoman , at the play of Questions and Commands .

Qu . Of all creatures , which dyeth best like a Swan ?

An. A theefe , because hee sings before hee dies .

A witty answer .

A Glocestershire man intruded at a Devonshire feast , in Oxford ( for once a yeare they have a solemne meeting that are of one shire ) wherefore he was askt if he were their Countryman or no , he answered , there went but a paire of sheeres betwixt us .

Of Piscator .

A Scholler being to take his degree for Batchelor of Divinity , in disputations slighted the Authority of Piscator , with these words , Audio Apostolum non piscatorem . The Moderator answered him , why , fuit Apostolus Piscator .

Of one being distressed in his bed .

A Gentleman being distressed in his naked bed , told his Chamberfellow , that he must needs rise and untrusse a point . Another ( being a Welchman ) used the same phrase , when hee saw a henne shiting on a Table .

Of a foolish wish .

A Scholler whose study was adjoyning to an Orchard , & seeing a tree of very faire plummes out of his window , wisht himselfe a crow that hee might fly out and fill his pockets , and so come backe againe .

A foolish Resolve .

TWo Schollers having beene abroad tipling , &c. about 8. or 9. resolved at last to goe home and study like horses , wherefore they agreed to locke each other into their studies .

On a Scholler whose cup was overfull .

A Fellow whose cup was overfilled and so delivered unto him did once or twice very gingerly sip there of , whereat the company laughing , he said Gentlemen it was too full before , but now it is very faire , and so hee dranke off all the rest . The same man at another time , swore that hee dranke once as good beere as ever he did in his life .

Of a Scholler to be presented Batchelour .

A Scholler that was to take his degree of Batchelour of Arts , was asked by the Deane that was to present him to the congregation with what conscience hee could sweare him to bee fit for that degree both in learning and manners sith hee had spent his time so ill in the Vniversity ? The Scholler answered him , hee might well sweare him to bee fit tam moribus quam doctrina , for so the oath Deanes are to take doth runne in the Latine .

Of a Duns made M. of Arts

A Duns being created M. of Arts , one askes how it is possible hee should attaine to that degree , being so meane a Scholler , another answered , it mitht well bee , for Omnis creatio est ex nihilo .

On an order in Magdalene Colledge in Oxford .

IN Magdalene Colledge in Oxford , it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every Schollers doore that is of the foundation , knocking loudly and crying pars a quinta ( which signifies a quarter after five of the clocke ) and warnes them all to prayers , one hearing this related said , doth hee knocke at every doore , yes saith the other , then replies he , hee had neede rise at three of the clocke to cry pars a quinta .

Of a young Scholler .

A Schoole Master asked one of his Schollers in the Winter time , what was Latine for cold , O Sir , answered the lad , I have that at my fingers ends .

Of a Minister .

A Minister whose name was Thorn , having almost tyred his Auditory in a Sermon , desired them to have patience , with him but for a while and they should gather Grapes from , Thorne .

Of one Taxed for false Latine .

A Servitor in Oxford being a Scholler , and having freely given his Tutor an Epistle for a New yeares gift , hee read it and taxed him for false Latine in it . Sir hee reblies , I thought that you would not looke a gift horse in the mouth .

Of a yong man and a Doctor

A Young man being in a bowling greene where was a grave Dr. at bowles , the Dr. said hee would win the former cast , the young man hearing it , said , I le lay halfe a dozen on it .

Of a fellow of an house , and an under graduate .

A Fellow of a Colledge was chiding an under graduate , for prating too loud in dinner time , and withall told him that vir sapit qui pauca loquitur , the other replies yes , vir loquitur qui pauca sapit .

Of a Curate .

A Country Curate asking a young Scholler to which Vniversity hee intended to go , the choller answered him , to Cambridge . That is a very unhealthy place said the first , and I thinke if I had lived there till this time , I had beene dead five yeares since . Another told a melancholy man , that if he lived long that sad kind of life , he would dye shortly .

Of a Cooke .

A Cooke of a Colledge on a Winter night being much busied in dressing supper , and withall halfe tipled , cut up the sheathe of his knife and broyled it for a red hearing .

Of one at a non plus .

ONE haveing brought himselfe to a non plus , in the telling of a tale , defired another to helpe him out , no quoth he , you are out enough already .

On a little study .

A Scholler haveing a very little study , and a company in his chamber desiring to see it , hee told them , ifaith Gentlemen if you goe all in , it will not hold you .

Of a sluggard .

A Fellow that used to lye abed long every morne , once got up about the rising of the Sunne , wherefore hee told some that the Sunne did rise sooner that morning then it had done these five yeares .

On a house of office .

ONe asking another which was the way to the house of office , was bid by him to follow his nose , and hee could not misse the way . The same man comming backe againe , said that hee had — his belly full .

One that wore but one Spur .

A Scholler beeing jeer'd on the way for wearing but one Spurre , said that if one side of his horse went on , it was not likely that the other would stay behinde .

On a Bull .

SOme being talking concerning jests , buls , and the like , one of them averred that there was as much wit shewed in breaking a good bull , so it were voluntarily done , as in the best jest , which speech another confirming , said , that it was harder to speake good nonsence , than bad goodsence .

Of a Scholler sleighted .

A Scholler neglecting or not seeing one of his former familiar acquaintance , the other tooke it in endugine , and imputing it to his pride , said to those of his company , hee sees me well enough , but hee will not looke on me .

Of an ignorant Priest .

AN ignorant Priest at the celebration of Masse , saw written in his booke salta per tria which signifies folia or paginas , in English , turne ore three leaves at once , he leaps downe backward 3. staires from the Altar . The Country people thinking him madde bound him hand and foote , and carryed him out of the Church

Of a foolish Scholler .

IN a certaine monastery did live studious youths under the discipline of an Abbot and their severall Tutors , there one being bid to construe an hymne in which was this word pedo , which signifies a sheepe-crooke , the Scholler was thereat puzzeled . Wherefore the Abbot bad him looke out that word in the Dictionary , where having lookt , hee cryes out pedo pedis pedere , which signifies to fart , at which the rest brak forth into a loud laughter . The Abbot being thereat very angry strooke one of them , saying you rascals d ee laugh whilest wee are talking of sacred things ?

Of a Scholler .

A Vniersity Scholler , many times striving to bee graced with the degree of a Batchelour of Arts , could never obtaine it . At last all hope forsaking him , hee said why there is no necessity I should bee Batchelor , for Christ had twelve Disciples , and yet none of them was a Batchelor .

On Platoes yeare .

TWo young Phylosophers went into an Inne to drink , where the hoast was an old man , but very witty and conceited . Where having disputed most part of the night , concerning the opinions of Philosophers , especially of Platoes great yeare , ( how after thirty thousand yeares they should againe bee entertained in the same Inne , ) At last they intreated the old man , that untill that time he would forbeare the reckoning , and when then they came againe they promised to pay him . To which hee answered , In the yeare past beeing 30000. yeares since , I remember you were here and did not pay your reckoning , pay that now , and I will trust you for this untill the next yeare .

Of a young Scholler .

A Company of Schollers were talking of an impudent woman that hit her owne husband in the teeth with his hosnes ; a puny amongst them saith , what a foole was hee to let his wife know he was a Cuckold .

Of a Tutor .

A Tutor in the Vniversity reprehending some of his Schollers for too much frequenting the waters , said that hee would have no man venture to goe into the water untill hee could swimme well .

On a Country man .

A Country fellow went to the Vniversity of Oxford to see his young Landlord , who was there a student . And having found him discoursing amongst Schollers , he said hee would give twenty pounds his Sonne were so good a Scholler as he . Wouldst thou replies the Scholler , it has cost my Father five hundred pound . Hath it so saith the other . Then you and your Father are both damnably cheated .

On certaine Schollers .

CErtaine Schollers speaking in the company of one whose name was Hill , that H was no letter , no saith he , it will then goe very ill with me .

A Disputation .

A Grave man comming into the Hall to dispute with a Batchelour of Arts , on this question ; An Monarchia sit optimus status Reipublicae , began with this supposition , supponas me esse Monarcham te subditum , &c. the other answers hoc non est supponendum ( replies he ) non ? supponas disputationis gratia non disputationis gratia , saith the Batchelour , quare ? askes the first , saith the other quia uno dato absurdo sequuntur mille .