Tom Tel-Troths message, and his pens complaint A worke not vnpleasant to be read, nor vnprofitable to be followed. Written by Io. La. Gent.

TOM TEL-TROTHS Message , and his pens complaint . THou that didst earst Romes Capitall defend , Defend this sacred relique of thy wing , And by this power Diuine some succor send , To saue the same from carping Momus sting : That like a tell-troth it may boldly blaze , And pensill-like paint forth a iust dispraise . Goe naked pen the hearts true secretarie , Imbath'd in sable liquor mixt with gall , And from thy master these rude verses carrie , Sent to the world , and in the world to all : In mournfull verse lament the faults of men , Doe this , and then returne heart-easing pen . Time sits him downe to weepe in sorrowes sell , And Truth bewailes mans present wickednes , Both Time and Truth a dolefull tale doe tell , Deploring for mans future wretchednes : With teare-bedewed cheeks help , help therfore , Sad tragicke muse to weepe , bewaile , deplore . Mee thinks I see the ghost of Conscience , Raisde from the darke graue of securitie , Viewing the world , who once was banisht thence , Her cheeks with teares made wet , with sighs made dry : And this did aggrauate her griefe the more , To see the world much worse then t was before . She wept , I saw her weepe , and wept to see The salt teares trickling from her aged eyes , Yea and my pen copartner needs would bee , With black-inke teares , our teares to simpathize : So long wee wept that all our eyes were drie , And then our tongues began aloud to crie . Come sad Melpomene thou tragicke Muse , To beare a part in these our dolefull cries , Spare not with taunting verses to accuse , The wicked world of his iniquities , Tell him his owne , be bold and not ashamed , Nor cease to speake till thou his faults hast blamed . I seeme to heare resounding Ecchoes tatling , Of misdemeanors raigning heere and there , And party-coloured Pyes on greene bowes pratling ▪ Of foolish fashions raging euerie where : Then blame not my muse what so ere she say , Sith birds and Ecchoes mens fond faults bewray . O world , no world , but rather sinke of sinne , Where blind and fickle Fortune Empresse raigneth ; O men , no men , but swine that lie therein , Among whom vertue wrong'd by vice complaineth : Thus world bad , men worse , men in world , worldly men , Doe giue occasion to my plaintife pen . Sinne like the monster Hydra hath more heads , Then heauens hie roofe hath siluer-spangled starres , And in his iawes mens soules to hell he leads , Where fierie fiends meete them in flaming Charres : This Pirate like a Pilate keepes each coast , Bringing his guests vnto their hellish hoast . If all the earth were writing paper made , All plowshares pens , all furrowes lines in writing , The Ocean , inke , wherein the sea-Nimphes wade , And all mens consciences scribes inditing : Too much could not be written of mans sinne , Since sinne did in the first man first begin . But as the Aegyptian dog runs on the brinke , Of Nilus seuen-fold ouer-flowing floud , And staying not , now here , now there doth drinke , For feare of Crocodiles which lurke in mudde : So shall my pen runne briefly ouer all , Reciting these misdeeds which worke mans thral . Nature that whilome bore the chiefest sway , Bridling mans bodie with the raignes of Reason , Is now inforc'd in vncoth walkes to stray Exilde by custome which encrocht through treason : Instead of Art , Natures companion , Fancie with custome holdes dominion . Ouid could testifie that in his time , Astraea fled from earth to heauen aboue , Loathing iniustice as a damned crime , Which she with equall poised schoales did proue : And this pen in my time shall iustifie , That true religion is constrainde to flie . The two leafe-dores of quondam honestie , Which on foure vertues Cardinall were turned , By Cardinals degree and poperie , Are now as heretike-like reliques burned : Now carnall vice , not vertue Cardinall , Plaies Christmas gambals in the Popes great hall . Well , sith the Popes name pops so fitly in , From Pope i le take the Latin P. away , And Pope shall with the Greeke η then bgin , Whose type and tippe that he may climbe i le pray : Pray all with mee that he may climbe this letter : For in this praier each man is his detter . I passe not although with bell , booke , and candle , His bald-pate Priests and shoren Friers curse , My plaintife pen his rayling text shall handle : Nor doe I thinke my selfe one iot the worse : Yea though my pen were in their Purgatorie , Yet should my pen hold on his plaintife storie . Oh what a world is it for one to see , How Monkes and Friers would religious seeme ? Whose heads make humble congies to the knee , That of their humble minds all men might deeme : These be the sycophants whose fained zeale , Hath brought in woe to euerie commonweale . The Monkes like monkies hauing long blacke tailes , Tell olde wiues tales to busie simple braines , The baudie Friers do hunt to catch females , To shriue and free them from infernall paines . Thus Monkes and Friers , fire-brands of hell , Like to incarnate diuels with vs dwell . But I as loath , so will I leaue to write , Against this popish ribble rabble route , Hoping ere long some other will indite , Whole volumes gainst their stander-bearers stout : Poets and Painters meane while shall descry , With pens and pensils their hypocrisie . As thus my pen doth glance at euerie vice , Needs must I heare poore Learnings lamentation , Which whilome was esteem'd at highest price , But now reiected is of euerie nation : She loueth men yet is shee wrong'd by men , Her wronged loue giues matter to my pen . Pallas the nurse of Nature-helping Art , Whose babes are Schollers , and whose cradels , schooles , From whose milch teates no pupils would depart , Till they by cunning shund the names of fooles : She , euen she , wanders in open streetes , Seeking for schollers , but no schollers meetes . Englands two eyes , Englands two Nurceries , Englands two nests , Englands two holy mounts , I meane Englands two Vniuersities , Englands two Lamps , Englands two sacred founts , Are so puld at , puld out , and eke puld downe , That they can scarce maintaine a wide sleeu'd gowne . Lately as one CAME ore a BRIDGE , he saw An OXE stand ore a FORDE to quench his drouth : But lo the Oxe his dry lips did withdraw , And from the water lifted vp his mouth . Like Tantalus this drie Oxe there did stand , God grant this darke Aenigma may be scand . The Liberall Sciences in number seauen , Which in seauen ages like seauen Monarchs raigned , And shin'd on earth as Planets seauen in heauen , Are now like Almesfolkes beggerly maintained , Whilst in their roome seauen deadly sins beare sway , Which makes these seauen Arts like seauen slaues obey . Grammer the ground and strong foundation , Vpon which Lady Learning builds her tower , Grammer the path-way and direction , That leadeth vnto Pallas sacred bower , Stands bondslaue-like of Stationers to be sold , Whom all in free Schooles erst might free behold . And Rhetoricke adornde with figures fine , Trickt vp with tropes , and clad in comely speech , Is gone as Pilgrime to the Muses nine , For her late wrong assistance to beseech . Now rich Curmudgions best orations make , Whilst in their pouches gingling coyne they shake . Logicke which like a whetstone sharpes the braine , Logicke which like a touch-stone tries the minde , Logicke which like a load-stone erst drew gaine , Is now for want of maintenance halfe pinde . And sith in Colledges no maides may dwell , Many from Colledges doe her expell . Musicke I much bemourne thy miserie , Whose well-tunde notes delight the Gods aboue , Who with thine eare-bewitching melodie , Doest vnto men and beasts such pleasure moue : Though wayling cannot helpe , I wayle thy wrong , Bearing a part with thee in thy sad song . Arithmeticke she next in number stands , Numbring her cares in teaching how to number ; Which cares in number passing salt-sea sands , Disturbe her minde , and still her corps incumber : Care addeth griefe , griefe multiplies her woe , Whose ebbe substracting , brings reducing floe . Geometrie as seruile prentise bound , Vnto the Mother earth for many yeares , Hath long since meated out the massie ground , Which ground the impression of her foot-steps beares . Great was her labour , great should be her gaine , But her great labour was repaid with paine . Astronomie not least , though last , hath lost By cruell fate her starre-embroidred coate : Her spherie globe in danger's seas is tost , And in mishap her instruments doe floate . All Almanacks hereof can witnesse beare , Else would my selfe hereof as witnesse sweare . But how should I with stile poeticall , Proceede to rime in meeter or in verse ? If Poetrie the Queene of verses all , Should not be heard , whose plaint mine eare doth pierce ? Oh helpe Apollo with apologie , To blaze her vndeserued iniurie . Horace did write the Art of Poetrie , The Art of Poetrie Virgill commended : Ouid thereto his studies did applie , Whose life and death still Poetrie defended . Thrice happie they , but thrice vnhappie I , They sang her praise , but I her iniurie . O princely Poetrie , true Prophetesse , Perfections patterne , Matrone of the Muses , I weepe to thinke how rude men doe oppresse , And wrong thine Art with their absurd abuses . They are but drosse , thine Art it is diuine , Cast not therefore thy pearles to such swine . The sugred songs that sweete Swannes vse to sing , Floting adowne Meanders siluer shore , To countrie swaines no kinde of solace bring ; The winding of an horne they fancie more . No marueile then though Ladie Poetrie , Doe suffer vndeserued iniurie . Like to Batillus euery ballet-maker , That neuer climbd vnto Pernassus Mount , Will so incroach that he will be partaker , To drinke with Maro at the Castale fount . Yea more then this to weare a lawrell Crowne , By penning new gigges for a countrie clowne . When Marsias with his bagpipes did contend , To make farre better Musicke then Apollo : When Thameras in selfe conceit would mend The Muses sweete songs note , what then did follow ? Conuicted both , to both this was assignde , The first was hangd , the last was stroken blinde . And may it happen to those bastard braines , Whose base times striue to better Poetrie , That they may suffer like deserued paines , For these be they that worke her infamie . Thus hauing blazd false Poets in their hew , Deare Poetrie ( though loth ) I bid adiew . As Poetrie in poesie I leaue , I see seauen sinnes which crost seauen Liberall Arts , Which with their fained shew doe men deceaue , And on the wide worlds stage doe play their parts : As thus men follow them , they follow men , They moue more matter to my plaintife pen . These mincing maides and fine-trict truls ride post To Plutoes pallace , like purueyers proude ; Thither they leade many a damned ghost , With howling consorts carroling aloude : And as one after one they post to hell , My plaintife pen shall their abuses tell . First praunceth Pride with principalitie , Guarded with troupes of new-found fashions : Her hand-maides are Fancie and Vanitie : These three a progresse goe throughout all nations : And as by any towne they passe along , People to see them gather in a throng . Now fine-ruft Ruffines in their brauerie , Make cringing cuts with new inuention : New-cut at Cardes brings some to beggarie , But this new-cut brings most vnto destruction : So long they cut , that in their purse no groate They leaue , but cut some others purse or throate . Bedawbd with gold like Apuleius Asse Some princk and pranck it : others more precise , Full trick and trim tir'd in the looking-glasse , With strange apparell doe themselues disguise . But could they see what others in them see , Follie might flie , and they might wiser bee . Some gogle with the eyes , some squint-eyd looke , Some at their fellowes squemish sheepes-eyes cast : Some turne the whites vp , some looke to the foote , Some winke , some twinke , some blinke , some stare as fast . The summe is infinite , eye were a detter , If all should answere I , with I the letter . Many desire to foote it with a grace , Or Lion-like to walke maiesticall : But whilst they striue to keepe an equipace , Their gate is foolish and phantasticall . As Hobby-horses , or as Anticks daunce , So doe these fooles vnseemely seeme to praunce . I will not write of sweatie long shag haire , Or curled lockes with frisled periwigs : The first the badge that Ruffins vse to weare , The last the cognisance of wanton rigs . But sure I thinke as in Medusaes head , So in their haires are craulling Adders bred . Men Proteus-like resemble euery shape , And like Camelions euery colour faine , How deare so ere , no fashion may escape The hands of those whose gold may it attaine : Like ebbe and flow these fashions goe and come , Whose price amounteth to a massie summe . The sharp-set iawes of greedie sheeres deuoure , And seaze on euery cloath as on a pray , Like Atropose cutting that in an houre , Which weauers Lachese-like wrought in a day . These snip-snap sheeres in al shieres get great shares , And are partakers of the dearest wares . When fig-tree leaues did shroude mans nakednesse , And home-spun cloath was counted clothing gay , Then was mans bodie clad with comelinesse , And honour shrouded was in rude aray : But since those times by future times were changed , Thousands of fashions through the world haue ranged . Ambitious thoughts , hearts haughtie , mindes aspiring , Proud lookes , fond gates , and what not vndescreete , As seruants waite mens bodie still atyring . With far-fetcht gewgawes for yong children meete : Where with whilst they themselues doe daily decke , Brauado-wise they scorne to brooke the checke . Some couet winged sleeues like Mercurie , Others round hose much like to Fortunes wheele : ( Noting thereby their owne vnconstancie ) Some weare short cloakes , some cloakes that reach their heele . These Apish trickes vsde in their daily weedes , Bewray phantasticke thoughts , fond words , foule deedes . Bold Bettresse braues and brags it in her wiers , And buskt she must be , or not bust at all : Their riggish heads must be adornd with tires , With Periwigs , or with a golden Call . Tut , tut , t is nothing in th' Exchange to change , Monthly as doth the Moone their fashions strange . It seemes strange birds in England now are bred , And that rare fowles in England build their nest , When Englishmen with plumes adorne their head , As with a Cocks-combe or a Peacocks crest . These painted plumes men in their caps doe weare , And women in their hands doe trickly beare . Perhaps some women being foule , doe vse Fowles feathers to shroude their deformitie : Others perchance these plumes doe rather chuse , From weather and winde to shield their phisnomie . But whilst both men and women vse these feathers , They are deem'd light as feathers , winde and weathers . Some dames are pumpt , because they liue in pompe , That with Herodias they might nimbly daunce : Some in their pantophels too stately stompe , And most in corked shooes doe nicely praunce . But here I doubtfull stand whether to blame The shoomakers , or them that weare the same . In countrie townes men vse fannes for their corne , And such like fannes I cannot discommend : But in great cities fannes by truls are borne , The sight of which doth greatly God offend . And were it not I should be deem'd precise , I could approue these fond fann'd fooles vnwise . A Painter lately with his pensill drew The picture of a Frenchman and Italian , With whom he plac'd the Spaniard , Turk and Iew , But by himselfe he sat the Englishman . Before these laughing went Democritus , Behinde these weeping went Heraclitus . All these in comely vestures were atired , According to the custome of their land , The Englishman excepted , who desired With others feathers like a lay to stand . Thus whilst he seeketh forraine brauerie , He is accused of vnconstancie . Some call him Ape , because he imitates , Some foole , because he fancies euery bable : Some liken him to fishes caught with baites , Some to the winde , because he is vnstable . Then blame him not , although gainst Englishmen , This Englishman writ with his plaintife pen . But hush no more , enough's enough , fie , fie , Wilt thou thy countries faults in verse compile ? Desist betimes , least thou peccaui crie , For no bird sure his owne nest will defile . Well , sith thou brak'st his head and mad'st a sore , With silence giue a salue , and write no more . The world began , and so will end with Pride , With Pride this poynt began , with Pride it ends : And whilst in pleasures Chariot she doth ride , My plaintife pen page-like still by her wends . Thus hauing painted out Prides roysting race , At this poynts end a periods poynt I place . Now pyning Enuie whining doth appeare , With bodie leane , with visage pale and wan , With withered face , and with vnkeamed haire , She doth both fret , and fume , sweare , curse and ban : She fareth ill , when other men fare well , Others prosperitie is made her hell . She peepes and pries into all actions , And she is neuer well but when she iarres : She is the mother of all factions , She broacheth quarrels , and increaseth warres : Anger is hot , and Wrath doth roughly rage , But nothing Enuies heating hate can swage . This Trull inticed Pompey to contend , And with great Caesar ciuill warres to moue : This dame allured Kings their liues to spend , In bloodie broyles and braules deuoyd of loue : Incensing subiects gainst their gouernours , Sonnes against Sires , Captiues against Conquerors . As Iron doth consume it selfe with rust , By eating which it selfe it still doth eate : So doth the enuious man soone come to dust , And doth consume himselfe whilst he doth fret . Thus Enuie still conspires to end his life , That liuing with another , liues at strife . We reade that Enuie twixt two men did grow , And that the one of them one eye would lose , So that he might pluck both eyes from his foe , And plucking both eyes out his eyes might close . O who would thinke a man should beare the minde , To lose one eye to make another blinde ! What trade so base but there is Enuie in it , When Minstrels with blinde Fidlers daily striue ? What strife is there but Enuie doth begin it , When iusling Iacks to walls their betters driue ? The truth hereof I shall not neede to sweare , Sith Hesiode old hereof doth witnesse beare . What is the cause that many mop and moe , That many scoffe , and scorne , and gibe , and iest , With rimes and riddles rating at their foe , Flouting the base , and powting at the best ? What is the cause ? the cause one line shall show , Enuie is cause , which in mens hearts doth grow . Knowledge within the hart of man doth dwell , And loue within the liuer builds his nest : But Enuie in the gall of man doth swell , And playes the rebell in his boyling brest . O would to God men had no gall at all , That Enuie might not harbour in the gall . Enuie and Charitie together stroue , Which of them two a man should entertaine : The one with spight , the other sought with loue ; The first in gall , the last in hart would raigne : So long they stroue that Enuie lost the field , And Charitie made Enuie captiue yeeld . Enuie adiew , and welcome Charitie , The bond of peace and all perfection , The way that leades to true felicitie , Filling the soule with most diuine refection . Enuie shall goe , I le cleaue vnto thy lore , Thee will I serue , and thee will I adore . Next followes Wrath , Enuies fierce fellow-mate , Attired in a roring Lions skin , Ietting along with a giant-like gate , Which aye a tyrant terrible hath bin . A butcher-like within his hands doth beare Their harts , which he with woluish teeth doth teare . Wrath moued Herod with blood-thirstie hart , To slaughter infants from their mothers brest ; Like lambes scarce can'd , or doues new-hatcht to part , And with liues losse to leaue both damme and nest . O had King Herod knowne what would ensue , He had not done what he did after rue . He shed their blood , their blood did vengeance craue ; They first too soone , he last too late did dye ; They led the way , he followed to the graue ; Both they and he a pray for wormes did lye . Yet thus they differ , wormes them dead did eate , But him aliue the wormes did make their meate . Wrath in Caligulaes mad head did grow , Making him wish that Rome had but one head , That he might smite off that head at a blow , Whose pompe he saw like many heads to spread : But whilst he thought Romes heads in one to lop , Romes heads in one his flower of life did crop . Wrath is the cause that men in Smith-field meete , ( Which may be called smite-field properly ) Wrath is the cause that maketh euery streete A shambles , and a bloodie butcherie , Where roysting ruffins quarrell for their drabs , And for sleight causes one the other stabs . Wrath puffes men vp with mindes Thrasonicall , And makes them braue it braggadochio-like : Wrath maketh men triumph Tyrannicall , With sword , with shield , with gunne , with bill and pike : Yea now adaies Wrath causeth him to dye , That to his fellow dares to giue the lye . Mars is the Chieftaine of this wrathfull host , Whose embrewd standard is with blood dyed red ; Of many he spares few , and kils the most , And with their corps his bloodie panch is fed . Tara tantara , sa , sa , kill , kill , he cries , Filling with blood the earth , with scrikes the skies . Wraths fierce fore-runner is Timeritie , And after Wrath Repentance shortly followes : The first rides gallop into miserie , The last procures sadnes , despayre and sorrow . Who therefore doe desire to liue at rest , Let them not harbour wrath within their brest . Wraths contrarie is Lady Patience , Who conquers most when she is conquered , She teacheth beasts that they by common sence , Might teach to vanquish , being vanquished . Rammes running back with greater force returne , And Lime most hot , in most cold springs doth burne . Patience a cosin hath calde Sufferance , Neerely a kind , because she is so kinde ; She is most like a Doue in countenance , And like an Angell in her humble minde ; All Phaenix-like she is but rarely found , Would God she might be seene on English ground . Then naked swords themselues would neuer cloath , With wounded skinnes of men whom men did maime : Then quarrellers would after quaffing loath , With stabs and strokes to kill or make men lame . Then , then I say , swords might in scabberts sleepe , And some might laugh which are constrainde to weepe . As thus my pen writing of Vice spares none , It brings into my sight a lazie Gill , A sleeping sluggard and a drowsie drone , Which snorts and snores , and euer sitteth still : Some call her Sloth , some call her Idlenesse , A friend to neede , a foe to wealthinesse . They tearme her Mother of all other vices , Bearing a spawne of many new-bred sinnes : Many she lures , and many she entices , Whereof most part is trapped in her ginnes : She is the But at which foule Lust doth shoote , And where she toucheth there she taketh roote . I once did heare of one Lipotopo , ( Whose pace was equall with the shell-housde snaile ) That to a fig-tree lasily did go , Whose broad-leau'd branches made a shady vaile : Thither this lusking lubber softly creeped , And there this lazie lizard soundly sleeped . But as one Goffo by the fig-tree went , He wakened him from out his drowsie sleepe , And earnestly did aske him what he ment , Vnder that fig-tree all alone to keepe . As thus he did Lipotopo awake , Yawning and gaping thus he idly spake . Good friend it is a paine for me to speake , Because I vse nothing but only sleeping : Yet vnto thee my minde I le shortly breake , And shew the cause of my here daily keeping . The cause is this , that when these ripe figges fall , My gaping mouth might then receiue them all . As thus he spake , Goffo from off the tree Pluckt a ripe fig , and in his mouth did put it : Which when he gan to feele , my friend ( quoth he ) I pray thee stirre my iawes that I may glut it . Goffo admiring this his lazinesse , Left him as he him found in idlenesse . O would my pen were now a pensill made , And I a Poet might a Painter bee , That picture-like this patterne might be laide Before mens eyes , that it their eyes might see ; By which they seeing Sloths deformitie , Might flie from sloth and follow industrie . Now doth appeare dame niggard Auarice , Who being loden with gold gapes for gold : She raiseth cheape things to the highest price , And in Cheapside makes nothing chaepe be sold , Which coyne , her chests fild full , fulfill her eye , Whilst poore folkes perish in great miserie . She hath been troubled long with one disease , Which some a Dropsie call , or drouth of gaine ; She drinkes and drinkes againe , yet cannot ease Her thirstie sicknesse and her greedie paine : Still is she sicke , yet is she neuer dead , Because her sicknesse still is nourished . Her bodie grosse , engrosseth all the corne , And of the grossest wares makes greatest gaine : Yea Grocers now adaies as men forlorne , Auerre that they gainst her haue cause to plaine : Yet doth she liue , yet doth she tyrannize , Because her coyne her works doth wantantize . This Auarice a cosin-germane hath , Which many Londoners call Vsurie , Which like a braue comptroller boldly saith , She will bring England into miserie : Who vnder colour of a friendly lending , Seemes of her bad trade to make iust defending . They hand in hand doe walke in euery streete , Making the proudest Caualiers to stoope : If with their debtors they doe chaunce to meete , They pen them vp within the Poultries coope . And if for gold lent , men would counters pay , In Woodstreets Counter there them fast they lay . Now Charitie which is the band of peace , Is turned to a Scriueners scribling band , To Indentura facta , or a lease , To racking houses , tenements and land : All this can gold , all this can siluer do , And more then this if neede require thereto . From whence comes gold but from the earth below ? Whereof , if not of earth are all men made ? Like will to like , and like with like will grow , Growing they florish , florishing they fade . But where are gold and men ? in hell , wher 's hell ? On earth , where gold and men with gold do dwell . The prouerbe old I doe approue most true , Better to fill the bellie then the eye : For whilst rich misers feedes on monies view , Sparing they liue in wilfull penurie : Yea more then this , they liue vpon a crust , Whilst in their heaped bags their gold doth rust . Come plaintife pen and whip them with thy rod , And plainly tell them their Idolatrie , Which make their gold their loue , their life , their god , Which with their gold desire to liue and die . Tell them if to no better vse they turne Their gold , they with their gold in hell shall burne . Thus leauing Vsurie and Auarice , As Sathans limmes or fire-brands of hell , As rauening wolues that liue by preiudice , Or greedie hogs that on mens grounds do dwell : I post to that which I had almost past , But now haue ouertaken at the last . The name of her whom heere I meete withall , Is Gluttonie the mother of excesse , Which making daintie feasts , doth many call To eate with her the meate that she did dresse : Who beeing set to eate her toothsome meat : Eating doth eate and neuer cease to eate . This trull makes youngsters spend their patrimonie , In sauced meates and sugred delicates , And makes men stray from state of Matrimonie , To spend their substance vpon whorish mates : That by their lauish prodigalitie , She may maintaine her fleshly vanitie . With gobs she fils and stuffes her greedie gorge , And neuer is her gaping stomacke fed , Bits vnchaw'de in her bulke as in a forge , Kindle the coales whereof foule lust is bred : Thus doe we see how lazie gluttonie , Consorts her selfe with Ladie Lecherie . One other mate she hath call'd Dronkennesse , A bibbing swilbowle and a bowzing gull , Which neuer drinks but with excessiuenesse , And drinkes so long vntill her paunch is full : She drinkes as much as she can well containe , Which being voyded , then she drinkes againe . But when the drinke doth worke within her head , She rowles and reekes , and pimpers with the eyes , She stamps , she stares , she thinks white black , black red , She teares and sweares , she geeres , she laughes and cries : And as her giddie head thinks all turnes round , She belching fals , and vomits on the ground . Some men are drunke , and being drunke will fight , Some men are drunke , and being drunke are merrie , Some men are drunke , and secrets bring to light , Some men are drunke , and being drunke are sorie : Thus may we see that drunken men haue passions , And drunkennesse hath many foolish fashions . Fishes that in the seas doe drinke their fill , Teach men by nature to shun drunkennesse , What bird is there that with his chirping bill , Of any liquour euer tooke excesse ? Thus beastes on earth , fish in seas , birds in skie , Teach men to shun all superfluitie . Would any heare the discommodities , That doe arise from our excesse of drinke : It duls the braine , it hurts the memorie , It blinds the sight , it makes men bleare-eyd blinke , It kils the bodie , and it wounds the soule , Leaue therefore leaue , O leaue this vice so foule . Now last of all though perhaps chiefe of all , My pen hath hunted out lewde Lecherie , Which many sinnes and many faults doth call , To bee pertakers to her trecherie : Her loue is lust , her lust is sugred sower , Her paine is long , her pleasure but a flower . When chast Adonis came to mans estate , Venus straight courted him with many a wile ; Lucrece once seene , straight Tarquine laid a baite , With foule incest her bodie to defile : Thus men by women , women wrongde by men , Giue matter still vnto my plaintife pen . Thousands of whores maintained by their wooers , Entice by land as Syrens doe by seas , Which being like path-waies or open doores , Infect mens bodies with the French disease : Thus women woe of men though wooed by men , Still adde new matter to my plaintife pen . Whilome by nature men and women loued , And prone enough they were to loue thereby , But when they Ouids ars amandi proued , Both men and women fell to lecherie : By nature sinning art of sinne was found , To make mans sinne still more and more abound . If that I could paint out foule lecherie , In her deformed shape and loathsome plight , Or if I could paint spotlesse Chastitie , In her true portraiture and colours bright : I thinke no maid would euer proue an whore , But euerie maid would chastitie adore . Then maried men might vild reproaches scorne , And shunne the Hars crest to their hearts content , With cornucopia , Cornewall , and the horne , Which their bad wiues bid from their bed be sent : Then should no olde Cocks , nor no cocke-olds crow , But euerie man might in his owne ground sow . Then light-taylde huswiues which like Syrens sing , And like to Circes with their drugs enchant , Would not vnto the Banke-sides round house fling , In open sight themselues to show and vaunt : Then then I say they would not masked goe , Though vnseene to see those they faine would know . But in this Labyrinth I list not tread , Nor combate with the minotaure-like lust , Hence therefore will I wend by methods thread , And wend I will because needs wend I must : Farewell , nay fare-ill filthie lecherie , And welcome vndefiled chastitie . Vesta I do adore thy puritie , And in thy Temples will I tapers beare , Thou O Diana for virginitie , Shalt be the matrone of my modest feare , That both in one , both beeing Goddesses , May of my maden-head bee witnesses . O may my flesh like to the Ermiline , Vnspotted liue , and so vnspotted die , That when I come before the sacred shrine , My vntoucht corps themselues may guiltlesse trie : Then shall I glorie that I haue bin taught , To shun the snare wherein most folkes are caught . Thus hath my pen described and descry'd , Sinne with his seuen heads of seuen deadly vices , And now my plaintife pen hath verified , That sinne from vertue mortall men entices ▪ If any wicked Momus carpe the same , In blaming this I passe not for his blame . Dictator-like I must confesse I write , And like a Nomothetes criticall , Perhaps my pen doth crabedly endite In plaintife humors meerely Cinicall : But sooth to say , Tom-teltroth will not lie , We heere haue blaz'd Englands iniquitie . And for because my pen doth liquour want , Heere ( being drie ) he willing is to rest , Not for that he doth further matter want , For so to thinke were but a simple iest : And if ( as he hath not ) he haue offended , He hopes ( as you ) so he wil be amended . FINIS .