Nay , if rime and reason bee both forestalde , I le raile , if Martin haue not barrelde vp all rakehell words : if he haue , what care I to knocke him on the head with his owne hatchet . He hath taken vp all the words for his obscenitie : obscenitie ? Nay , now I am too nice ; squirrilitie were a better word : well , let me alone to squirrell them .

Martin , thinkst thou , thou hast so good a wit , as none can outwrangle thee ? Yes Martin , wee wil play three a vies wits : art thou so backt that none dare blade it with thee ? Yes Martin , we will drop vie stabbes . Martin sweares I am some gamester . Why , is not gaming lawful ? I know where there is more play in the compasse of an Hospitall , than in the circuite of Westchester . One hath been an old stabber at passage : the One that I meane , thrust a knife into ones thigh at Cambridge , the quarrel was about cater-tray , and euer since he hath quarrelled about cater-caps .

I thought that hee which thrust at the bodie in game , would one daie cast a foyne at the soule in earnest . But hee workes closelie and sees all , hee learnd that of old Vydgin the cobler ; who wrought ten yeares with spectacles , and yet swore he could see through a dicker of leather . He hath a wanton spleene , but we will haue it stroakt with a spurne , because his eies are bleard , he thinkes to bleare all ours ; but let him take this for a warning , or else looke for such a warming , as shall make all his deuices as like wood , as his spittle is like woodsere . Take away the Sacke , and giue him some Cinamom water , his conscience hath a colde stomacke . Cold ? Thou art deceiued , t wil digest a Cathedral Church as easilie , as an Estritch a two penie naile .

But softe Martins , did your Father die at the Groyne ? It was well groapt at , for I knewe him sicke of a paine in the groyne . A pockes of that religion , ( quoth Iulian Grimes to her Father ) when al his haires fell off on the sodaine . Well let the olde knaue be dead . Whie are not the spawnes of such a dog-fish hangd ? Hang a spawne ? drowne it ; all s one , damne it .

Ye like not a Bishops rochet , when all your fathers handkerchers were made of his sweete harts smocke . That made you bastards , and your dad a cuckold , whose head is swolne so big , that he had neede sende to the cooper to make him a biggin : and now you talke of a cooper , I le tell you a tale of a tubb .

At Sudburie , where the Martin-mōgers swarmd to a lecture , like beares to a honnie pot : a good honest strippling , of the age of fiftie yeares or thereabout , that could haue done a worse act if companie had not been neere , askt his sweete sister , whether lecherie in her conscience were a sinne ? In faith ( quoth she ) I thinke it the superficies of sinne , and no harme if the tearmes be not abusde . for you must say , vertuousty done , not lustily done . Fie , this is filthie ribaldry . O sir , ther is no mirth without ribaldrie , nor ribaldrie without Martin , ask mine hostesse of the iuie bush in Wye for the one , & my old hostesse of the Swanne in Warwicke for the other . She is dead : They are not so many , thei are all Centimani , an hundred hands a peeces so that in all they are but one thousand . the diuell shee is . You are too broad with Martins brood : for hee hath a hundred thousand that will set their handes to his Articles , and shewe the Queene . Sweeter and sweeter : for wee haue twentie hundred thousand handes to withstand them . I would it were come to the grasp , we would show them an Irish tricke , that when they thinke to winne the game with one man , wee 'le make them holde out till wee haue but two left to carrie them to the gallowes : wel followed in faith , for thou saidst thou wert a gamester . All this is but bad English , when wilt thou come to a stile ? Martin hath manie good words . Manie ? Now you put me in minde of the matter , there is a booke comming out of a hundred merrie tales , and the petigree of Martin , fetchte from the burning of Sodome , his armes shal be set on his hearse , for we are prouiding his funerall , and for the winter nights the tales shall be told secundum vsum Sarum : the Deane of Salisburie can tell twentie . If this will not make Martin mad , malicious and melancholie ( ô braue letter followed with a full crie ) then will we be desperate , & hire one that shall so translate you out of French into English , that you will blush and lie by it . And one will we coniure vp , that writing a familiar Epistle about the naturall causes of an Earthquake , fell into the bowells of libelling , which made his eares quake for feare of clipping ; he shall tickle you with taunts ; all his works bound close , are at least sixe sheetes in quarto , & he calls them the first tome of his familiar Epistle : he is full of latin endes , and worth tenne of those that crie in London , haie ye anie gold ends to sell. If he giue you a bob , though he drawe no bloud , yet are you sure of a rap with a bable . If he ioyne with vs , perijsti Martin , thy wit wil be massacred : if the toy take him to close with thee , then haue I my wish , for this tenne yeres haue I lookt to lambacke him . Nay he is a mad lad , and such a one as cares as little for writing without wit , as Martin doth for writing without honestie ; a notable coach companion for Martin , to drawe Diuinitie from the Colledges of Oxford and Cambridge , to Shoomakers hall in Sainct Martins . But we neither feare Martin , nor the foot-cloth , nor the beast that wears it , be he horse or asse ; nor whose sonne he is , be he Martins , sonne , Iohns , sonne , or Richards , sonne ; nor of what occupation he be , be a ship-wright , cart-wright , or tiburn-wright . If they bring seuen hundred men , they shall be boxt with fourteen hundred boyes . Nay we are growing to a secret bargaine . O , but I forgate a riddle ; the more it is spied , the lesse it is seene . That s the Sunne : the lesse it is spied of vs , the more it is seene of those vnder vs . The Sunne ? thou art an asse , it is the Father , for the old knaue , thinking by his bastardie to couer his owne head , putteth it like a stagge ouer the pale . Pale ? nay I will make him blush as red as ones nose , that was alwaies washt in well water .

What newes from the Heraldes ? Tush , that s time enough to know to morrow , for the sermon is not yet cast . The sermon foole ? why they neuer studie , but cleaue to Christ his dabitur in illa hora. They venter to catch soules , as they were soles ; Doctors are but dunces , none sowes true stitches in a pulpet , but a shoomaker .

Faith , Martin Iunior saies , hee found his fathers papers vnd 〈…〉 was 〈…〉 his Fourme . thou wilt bee caught by the stile . What care I to be found by a stile , when so many Martins haue been taken vnder an hedge ? If they cannot leuell , they will roue at thee , and anatomize thy life from the cradle to the graue , and thy bodie from the corne on thy toe , to the crochet on thy head . They bee as cunning in cutting vp an honest mans credit , as Bull in quartering a knaues bodie . Tush , ( what care I ) is my posie ; if hee meddle with mee , I le make his braines so hot that they shall crumble , and rattle in his warpt scull , like pepper in a dride bladder .

I haue a catalogue of al the sheepe , and it shall go hard , but I will crosse the bel-weather . Why shuld I feare him that walkes on his neats-feete . Neither court , nor countrie that shal be free , I am like death , I le spare none . There shall not misse a name of anie , that had a Godfather ; if anie bee vnchristened , I le nicke him with a name .

But whist ; beware an action of the case . Then put this for the case , whether it bee not as lawfull to set downe the facts of knaues , as for a knaue to slander honest men . All s as it is taken ; marie the diuell take al , if truth find not as many soft cushions to leane on , as trecherie .

There s one with a lame wit , which will not weare a foure cornerd cap , then let him put on Tiburne , that hath but three corners ; & yet the knaue himself hath a pretie wench in euerie corner .

I could tickle Martin with a true tale of one of his sonnes , that hauing the companie of one of his sisters in the open fieldes , He calls none but the heauens to witnesse . saide , hee woulde not smoother vp sinne ▪ and deale in against his Conscience . In the hundred merrie tales , the places , the times , the witnesses and all , shall be put downe to the proofe , where I warrant you , the Martinists haue consciences of proofe . Doost think Martin , thou canst not be discouered ? What foole would not thinke him discouered that is balde ? Put on your night cap , and your holie day English , and the best wit you haue for high daies , all wil be little enough to keep you from a knaues penance , though as yet you bee in a fooles paradice If you coyne words , as Cankerburie , Canterburines , &c. whie , I know a foole that shall so inkhornize you with straunge phrases , that you shall blush at your owne bodges . For Similes , there s another shal liken thee to anie thing , besides he can raile too . If Martin muzzle not his mouth , and manacle his hands , I le blabb all , and not sticke to tell , that pewes and stewes are rime in their religion .

Scratch not thy head Martin , for be thou Martin the bird , or Martin the beast ; a bird with the longest bill , or a beast with the longest eares , there s a net spread for your necke . Martin , I le tell thee a tale woorth twelue pence , if thy witt bee woorth a pennie .

There came to a Duke in Italie , a large lubber and a beggerlie , saying hee had the Philosophers Stone , and that hee could make golde faster , than the Duke could spend it ; The Duke askt him , why hee made none to mainteine himselfe ? Because quoth he , I could neuer get a secret place to worke in ; for once I indeuoured , and the Popes holinesse sent for me , whom if he had caught , I should haue been a prentice to mainteine his pride . The Duke minding to make triall of his cunning , & eager of golde , set to him worke closely in a vault , where it was not knowen to his neerest seruants . This Alcumist , in short time consumed two thousande pound of the Dukes gold , and brought him halfe a ducket : whie ( quoth the Duke ) is this all ? All quoth he my Lord , that I could make by Art . Wel said the Duke , then shalt thou see my cunning : for I will boile thee , straine thee , and then drie thee , so that of a lubber , that weighed three hundred weight , I will at last make a dram of knaues powder . The Duke did it .

Martin , if thou to cousen haue crept into the bosome of some great men , saying thou hast the churches discipline , & that thou canst by thy faction & pollicie , pull down Bishops and se●●p Elders , bring the lands of the Clergy , into the cofers of the Temporaltie , and repaire Religion , by impairing their liuings , it may bee , thou shalt bee hearkened too , stroakt on the head , greasd in the hand , fed daintelie , kept secretlie , and countenaunst mightelie But when they perceiue , that all thy deuices bee but Chymeraes , monsters of thine owne imaginations , so farre from pulling downe a Cathedrall Church , that they cannot remooue a corner of a square cap , them will they deale with thee , Martin & his mainteiner are both sawers of timber , but Martin stands in the pit , all the dust must fall in his eies , but he shal neuer walke on the boards . as the Duke did with the Alcumist , giue thee as many bobs on the eare , as thou hast eaten morsels of their meate , and make thee an example of sedition to be pointed at , that art now so mewde vp , that none can point where thou art . All this tale , with the application , was not of my penning , but found among loose papers ; marie he that did it , dares stand to it . Now , because I haue nothing to doo betweene this and supper , I le tell you another tale , and so begin Winter by time .

There was a libeller , who was also a coniurer , so that whatsoeuer casting of figures there was , he deceiued them ; at the last , one as cunning as himself , shewed , wher he sate writing in a fooles coate , & so he was caught and whipt . Martin , there are figures a flinging , & ten to one thou wilt be found sitting in a Knaues skinne , and so be hangd .

Hollow there , giue me the beard I wore yesterday . O beware of a gray beard , and a balde head : for if such a one doo but nod , it is right dudgin and deepe discretion . But soft , I must now make a graue speach .

There is small difference between Swallowes & Martins , either in shape or nature , saue onely , that the Martins , haue a more beetle head , they both breed in Churches , and hauing fledgde their young ones , leaue nothing behind them but durt . Vnworthie to come into the Church porch , or to be nourished vnder anie good mans eues , that gnawe the bowels , in which they were bred , and defile the place , in which they were ingendred .

They studie to pull downe Bishopps , and set vp Superintendents , which is nothing else , but to raze out good Greeke , & enterline bad Latine . A fine period ; but I cannot continue this stile , let me fal into my olde vaine . O do ost remember , howe that Bastard Iunior complaines of brothells , and talkes of long Megg of Westminster . A craftie iacke , you thoght because you twitted Mar-martin , that none would suspect you ; yes faith Martin , you shall bee thresht with your owne flaile .

It was one of your neast , that writt this for a loue letter , to as honest a woman as euer burnt malt . Grace , mercie , and peace to thee ( O widow ) with feruent motions of the spirit , Hee thought Lats had still lien at Corinth aswel as Paul . that it may worke in thee both to will and to doo . Thou knowest my loue to thee is , as Paules was to the Corinthians ; that is , the loue of copulation .

How now holie Martin , is this good wooing ? If you prophane the Scriptures , it is a pretie wit ; if we but alledge Doctors to expound them , wee are wicked If Martin oppresse his neighbor , why hee saith , it is his conscience ; if anie else doo right , it is extremitie . Martin may better goe into a brothell house , then anie other go by it ; he slides into a bad place like the Sunne , all others stick in it like pitch . If Martin speake broad bawdrie , why all the crue saies , your worship is passing merrie . Martin will not sweare , but with indeede , in sooth , & in truth , hee 'le cogge the die of deceipt , and cutte at the bumme-carde of his conscience . O sweetelie brought in , at least three figures in that line , besides the witant .

One there was , and such a one as Martin would make the eldest of his Elders , that hauing fortie angels sent him for a beneuolence , refusde to giue the poore fellowe a quittance for the receipt , saying , Christ had giuen his master a quittaunce , the same howre he told it out : & this was at his table , where he sate with no lesse than fortie good dishes of the greatest dainties , in more pompe than a Pope , right like a superintendant .

Now to the two bastards , what were you twins ? It shuld seeme so , for there went but a paire of sheeres betweene your knaueries . When the olde henne hatcht such eggs , the diuell was in the cocks comb . Your father thrusts you forward , remember pettie Martins Aes●ps crab , the mother going backward , exhorted her sonnes to goe forward ; doo you so first mother quoth they , and we will follow . Now the old cuckold hath puld in his hornes , he would make you creepe cleane out of the shell , & so both loose your houses , and shewe your nakednesse . You go about impossibilities , we le no such change , and if ye had it , ye would be wearie of it .

There was a man like Martin , that had a goose , which euerie daie laid him a golden egge ; hee not content with the blessing , kild his goose , thinking to haue a myne of golde in her bellie , and finding nothing but dung , the gander wisht his goose aliue . Martinists that liue well by the Church , & receiue great benefites of it , thinke if all Churches were downe , they should be much better , but when they shall see confusion in stead of discipline , & atheisme to be found in place of doctrine , will they not with sighs wish the Churches and Bishops in their wonted gouernment ? Thou art well seen in tales , & preachest Aesops fables . Tush , I le bring in Pueriles , and Stans puer ad mensam , for such vnmannerlie knaues as Martin , must bee set againe to their A. B. C and learne to spell Our Father in a Horne booke . Mantin Iunior giues warning that none write against reuerent Martin : yes , there are atribus ad centum , from three to an hundred , that haue vowed to write him out of his right wittes , and wee are all Aptots , in all cases alike , till we haue brought Martin to the ablatiue case , that is , to bee taken away with Bulls voyder .

O here were a notable full point , to leaue Martin in the hangmans apron . Nay , he would be glad to scape with hanging , wee le first haue him lashte through the Realme with cordes , that when hee comes to the gallowes , he may be bleeding new .

The babie comes in with Nunka , Neame , and Dad : ( Pappe with an hatchet for such a puppie ) giue the infant a bibbe , he all to beslauers his mother tongue , if he driuell so at the mouth and nose , wee le haue him wipte with a hempen wispe . Hui ? How often hast thou talkt of haltring ? Whie it runnes still in my minde that they must be hangd . Hangde is the Que , and it comes iust to my purpose .

There was one endited at a Iaile deliuerie of felonie , for taking vp an halter by the high way . The Iurie gaue verdit and said guiltie . The Iudge an honest man , said it was hard to find one guiltie for taking vp a penie halter , and bad them consider , what it was to cast awaie a man . Quoth the foreman , we haue enquired throughly , and found there was a horse tied to the halter . I marie ( quoth the Iudge ) then let him be tied to the halter , and let the horse goe home . Martin , a Monarch in his owne moyst conceit , and drie counsell , saies he is enuied onelie , because he leuelleth at Bishops ; & we say as the Iudge saith , that if there were nothing else , it were hard to persecute them to death ; but when we finde that to the rule of the Church , the whole state of the Realme is linckt , & that they filching away Bishop by Bishop , seeke to fish for the Crown , and glew to their newe Church their owne conclusions , we must then say , let Bishops stand , & they hang ; that is , goe home . Looke howe manie tales are in this booke , so manie must you abate of an hundred in the next booke , reckon this for one .

There came by of late a good honest Minister , with a cloake hauing sleeues : ah ( quoth a Martinist , sitting on a bulke in Cheapside ) he is a knaue I warrant you , a claspe would become one of his coate to claspe his cloak vnder his chinne . Where t is to be noted , that they come in with a sleeuelesse conscience , and thinke it no good doctrine , which is not preached with the cloak cast ouer each shoulder like a rippier .

T was a mad knaue and a Martinist , that diuided his sermon into 34. parts for memorie sake , and would handle but foure for memorie sake , and they were , why Christ came , wherefore Christ came , for what cause Christ came , and to what end Christ came ; this was all for memorie sake . If that Martin could thatch vp his Church , this mans scabship should bee an Elder , and Elders they may bee , which being fullest of spungie pith , proue euer the driest kixes . For in time you shall see , that it is but a bladder of worldlie winde which swells in their hearts , being once prickt , the humour will quicklie be remoued . O what a braue state of the Church it would be for all Ecclesiasticall causes to come before Weauers and Wierdawers , to see one in a motlie Ierkin and an apron to reade the first lesson . The poore Church should play at vnequal game , for it should loose al by the Elder hand . Nay Mas Martin , wee le make you deale , shuffle as well as you can , we meane to cut it .

If you had the foddring of the sheep , you would make the Church like Primero , foure religions in it , and nere one like another . I cannot out of his gaming humour . Why ? Is it not as good as Martins dogged humour , who without reuerence , regard , or exception , vseth such vnfitting tearmes , as were hee the greatest subiect in England hee could not iustifie them .

Shut the doores ( sirs ) or giue me my skimmer , Martins mouth had sod vnskimde these twelue months , and now it runnes ouer ; yet let him alone , he makes but porredge for the diuell .