NO sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed forth , but I the ●●ght-b●●ning Seriant Lu●●●ter , quencht my firie shape , and whipt into a Constables night gowne , the cunningst habite that could be , to search Tipsi● Tauerns , roosting Innes , and fr●thy Ale houses , when calling together my worshipfull Bench of Bill-men , I procéeded toward Pickt-hatch , intending to beginne their first , which ( as I may fitiy name it ) is the very shirts of all Brothel-houses ; the watchmen poore Night-crowes followed , and thought still they had had the Constable by the hand , when they had the diueil by the Gowne-s●●eue● at last I looking vp to the casements of euery suspected mansion , and spying a light twinekling , betweene hope and disperation , gessed it to be ●ome sleepie sn●ff● , euer and anon winking and nodding in the socket of a Candlesticke , as if the flame has bene a departing from the grea●●e body of Simon Snuffe the Stinckard : whereupon I the blacke Constable commanded my white Guard , not onely to assist my Office with their browne Billes , but to raise vp the house extemporie : with that the dreadful watch men hauing authority . standing by them , thundred at the doore , whilst the Candle lightned in the Chamber , and so betweene thundring and lightning , the Bawde rizze , first putting the Snuffe to an vntimely death , a cruell and a lamentable murther , and then with her fat-sag-chinne hanging downe like a ●owes Vdder , lay r●eking out at the windowe , demaunding the reason why they did summon a Parly : I told her in plaine tearmes , that I had a warrant to search , fr●m the Sheriffe of Limbo ; How ? from the Sheriffe of L●me-streete replyed Mistresse W●mble-ch●nn● , ( for so she vnderstood the word Limbo , as if Limbo had bene Latten for L●me-streete ) why then all the doores of my house shall flye open and receiue you Maister Constable : with that , as being the watch word , two or three vaulted out of their beddes at once , one swearing stockes and stoones , he could not finde his stockins , other that they could not hit vppon their false bodies , when to speake ●roath and shame my selfe , they were then as close to their flesh as they could , and neuer put them off since they were twelue yeare old : At last they shuffted vp , and were shut out at the back-part , as I came in at the North part , vp the stayes I went to examine the Feather-beddes , and car●ie the sheetes before the Iustice , for there was none else then to carrie , onely the flowre was strewde with Buske-pointes , silke Garters , and shooe-strings , ●●attred here and there for hast to make away from me , and the farther such runne , the nearer they come to me : then another doore opening rere-ward , there came puffing out of the next roome a villainous Leiftenant without 〈◊〉 Band , as if hée had béene new cut downe , like one of Wapping , with his cruell Garters about his Necke , which filthy resembled two of Dericks Necke-laces : hee had a head of hayre like one of my Diuells in Docter Faustus , when the olde Theater crackt and frighted the Audience ; His Browe was made of course Branne , as if all the Flower had béene boulted out to make honester men , so ruggedly moulded with ch●ps and creuises , that I wonder how it helde together , had it not béene pasted with villany ; His eye-browes ●etled out like the round casement of an Aldermans dining-roome , which made his eyes looke as if they had bene both damned in his head : for if so bee two soules had bene so farre suncke into Hell-pittes , they would neuer haue walkt abroade againe : His Nosthrills were cousen Germans to Currall , though of a softer condition , and of a more relenting humour ; His C●weblacke Muchatoes , were almost halfe an Ell from the end to the other , as though they would whisper him in the eare about a cheate or a murther : and his whose face in generall , was more detestable on●ly then the visage of my grim Porter Cerbe●us , which shewed that all his body besides was made of filthy Dust , and Sea-cole ashes : A downe countenance he had , as 〈◊〉 would haue lookte thirty mile into Hell , and sée●● Sisyph●s rowling , and Ixi●n spinning and réeling : thus in a payre of hoary Slippers , his stockins dengling about his wrists , and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes , he began like the true Campion of a vaulting-house , first to ●ray me with the Bug-beares of his rough-cast beard , and then to sound base in mine eares , like the Beare-garden Dr●m , and this was the humour he put on , and the very apparell of his Phrases ! Why ? maister Constable , dare you 〈…〉 our owne mansion ? ha ! What is not our house our Cole-harbour , our Castle of come-downe , and lye-downe ? must my honest wedded Punck here , my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping , and raisd vp by the thunder of Bil-men ? are we disanold of our first sleepe ? and cheated of our dreames and fantas●es ? Is there not Law too for stealing away a mans slumbers , as well as for shéetes off from hedges ? Come you to search an honest Bawdie-house , this seuen and twentie yeares in 〈◊〉 and shame ? goe too then , you shall search ; nay , my very Bootes too : are you well now ? the least hole in my house too , are you pleasde now ? can we not take ou● ease in our Inne , but we most come out so quickly ? Nawd , goe to bed , swéet Nawd , thou wilt c●●le thy grease 〈◊〉 , and make thy fat cake . This sayde ( by the vertue and vice of my Office ) I commanded my Bil-men downe staires , when in a twinckling , discouering my selfe a little , as much as might serue to rellish me , and shew what stuffe I was made off , I came and kist the Bawde , hogde her excellent villanies and cuning rare conueyances , then turning my selfe , I threw mine armes ( like a scarffe or 〈◊〉 ) crosse the Leiftenants melancholly Bosome , embraest his resolute phrases , and his dissolute humours , highly comm●nding the damnable Trade , and detestable course of their 〈◊〉 , so excellent filthie , and so admirable 〈◊〉 ! Whereupon this Lefitenant of Pickt-hatch , fell into deeper league a●d farther acquaintance with the blacknesse of my bosome , sometimes calling me Maister Lucifer the Head-borow , sometimes Maister Deuillin , the little blacke Constable . Then telling me , he heard from Limbo the 11. of the last Moneth , and that he had the letter to show , where they were all very mery : marry as he told me , there were some of his friends in P●legetō ▪ troubled with the heart-burning : yea , and with the soule burning too thought I : though thou litle dreamst of the torment : then complaining to me of their bad takings all the last plaguy Sommer , that there was no stirrings , and therefore vndone for want of doings , whereupon after many such inudctions to bring the sceane of his pouerty vppon the Stage , he desired in coole tearmes to borrow some forty pence of me ; I stuft with anger at that base and lazie petition ; ( knowing that a right true villain , and an absolute practized Pandar ) could not want siluer damnation , but liuing vpon the Reuenewes of his wits , might purchase the Diuell and all , halfe conquerd with rage thus I replyed to his basenes .

Why ? for shame a Bawde and poore ? why then let vsurers goe a begging , or like an old Gréeke stand in Powles with a Porringer ? let Brokers become whole honest then , and remoue to heauen out of Hounsditch ? Lawyers turne féelesse , and take Ten 〈◊〉 a poore Widowes teares for Tenne shillings : Merchants neuer forsweare themselues , whose great periurde ●aths a Land , turne to great windes and cast away their Ships at Sea : which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad , and their soules at home , making the one take salt water , and the other salt fire : let Mercers then haue conscionable Thumbes , when they measure out that smooth glittering Diuell Sattin , and that old Reuell●r V●luet in the daies of Mounseir , both which haue deuoured many an honest Field of Wheate and Barly , that hath bene metamorphosed and changed into white money ; puh , these are but litle w●nders , and may be ●astly possible in the working ; A Vsurer to cry bread and meate is not a thing impossible , for indéed your greatest Vsurer is your greatest Begger , wanting as well that which he hath , as that which he hath not : then who can be a greater Begger ? he will not haue his house smell like a Cookes shop , and therefore takes an order no meate shall be drest in it ▪ and because there was an House vpon Fish-stréets Hill burnt to the Ground ●nce , hee can abide by no meanes to haue a fire in his Chimny euer since : to the confirming of which , I will insert here a pretie conceit of a nimble-wiltied Gentlewoman , that was worthy to be Ladyfied for the Iest , who entring into a Vsurers House in London , to take vp mony vpon vnmercifull Interest , for the space of a Tweluemoneth , was conducted through two or thrée hungry roomes into a faire dining Roome , by a Lenten faced Fellow , the Vsurers man , whose Nose showoe as if it had bene made of hollow Past boord , and his Che●ks like two thin Parcakes clapt together : A pittifull kna●e he was , and lookte for all the world as if meal● had bene at twentie shillings a Bushell : the Gentlewoman being placed in this faire Roome to awaite the Vsurers leysure , who was cassing vp Ditches Golde in his Counting-house , and being almost frozen with standing for it was before Kandle-ma● Frost bitten Tearme ) euer and anon turning about to the Chimney where shee sawe a paire of Corpulent Giganticall Andiorns that stood like two Burgomasters at both corners , a Harth briskly drest vp , and a great cluster of Charcoale pilde vp together like blacke Pudoings , which l●ye for a● dead fire , and in the dyning Roome soo : the Gentlewoman wondring it was so long a kindling , at last shee caught the nuscrable conce●t of it , and calling her man to her , bad him seeke ou● for a piece of Chalke , or some peeling of a white Wall , whilest in the meane 〈◊〉 shee conceited the D●uice , when taking vp the sixe former Coales one after another , shee chalkt ●pon each of them a Satyricall Letter , which sixe were these .

T. D. C. R. V. S.

Explaind● thus :

These Dead Coales , Resemble Vsurers Soules .

Then placing them in the same order againe turning the chalkt sides inward to try conclusions , which as it happened , made vp the Iest the better , by that time the Vsurer had done amongst his golden heapes , and entertaining the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an houre long , at last after a rotten Hawke and a Hem , he began spit and speake to her : To conclude , she was furnished of the money for a twelue-moneth , but vpon large securitie and most Tragicall Vsury ; when keeping her day the Twelue-moneth after , comming to repa●e both the mony and the breede of it .

( For Interest may well be calde the Vsurers Bastard ) shee found the Hearth drest vp in the same order with a dead fire of charcole againe , and yet the Thames was halfe frozen at that time with the bitternes of the season : when turning the formos● ranke of coales , determining againe as it seemd to drawe some prety knauery vppon them too , shee spy●d all those six● Letters which shee chalkt vppon them the twelue-month before , and neuer a one stirde or displaced : the strange sight of which , made her breake into these words . Is it possible quoth she a Vsurer should burne so litle here , and so much in Hell ? or is it the colde propertie of these Coales to be aboue a tweluemonth a kindling ? so much to showe the frozen Charity of a Vsurers Chimney .

And then a Broaker to be an honest soule , that is , to take but sixpence a month , and three pence for the Bill making : a Diuell of a very good conscience ? possible too , to haue a Lawyer bribelesse and without Fee if his clyētesse or female clyent please his eie wel , a Merchant to weare a sut● of periury but once a quarter , or so : mistake m● not , I meane not foure times an hower , that shift were too short , ●ee could not put it on so soone I thinke : and lastly , not impossible for a mercer to haue a Thumbe in Folio , like one of the biggest of the Guard , and so giue good and very bountifull measure : but which is most impossible to be a right Bawde and poore , it strikes my spleene into dulnes : and turnes all my blood into coole lead ; Wherefore was vice ordained but to bee rich , shining and wealthy , seeing vertue her opponent is poor● , ragged , and needy ? those that are poore are timorous honest , and foolish harmelesse , as your carroling Sheepheards , whistling Plough-men , and such of the same innocent Rancke , that neuer reiush the blacke Iuice of villan●● , neuer taste the red foode of murther , or the damnable suckets of Lururie : whereas a Pandar is the very o●le of Villani● , and the sirroppe of Rogues● of excellent Rogues I meane , such as haue purchasde fiue hundreds a yeare b● the Talent of their Villanie : how many such Gallants doe I knowe , that liue onely vppon the reuenewe of their wittes : some whose Braynes are aboue an hundred mile about , and those are your Geometricall Theeues , which may fitly be called so , because they measure the High-wayes with false Gallops , and therefore are Heires of more Acres then fiue and fittie elder Brothers : sometimes they are Clarkes of Newe-market Heathe ▪ sometimes the Sheriffes of Salisburie Plaine ; and another time they commit Brothelrye , when they make many a man stand at Hockley in the Hole . These are your great head Land lords indeed , which call the word Robbing , the gathering in of their Rents , and name all Passengers their Tenants of Will .

Another set of delicate Knaues there are , that diue into Deedes and Writings of Landes , lest to young Gall-Finches , poysoning the true sence and intent of them , with the mercilesse Antimonie of the Common Lawe , and so by some craftie Clawe or two , shoue the true foolish Owners quite beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies , and then they hang onely by the Stirrops : that is , by the colde Almes and frozen christie of the Gentlemen-defeaters ; ( whom they take after mee their great Grandfather ) will rather stampe them downe in the déepe mire of pouertie , then bolster vp their heads with a poore wispe of charitie : such as these corrupt the true meanings of lest Willes and Testaments : and turne Legacies the wrong way , wresting them quite awrie like Grauntum Stéeple .

The third Rancke ( quainter then the former ) presents vs with the Race of lustie Vaulting Gallants , that in stead of a French Horse practise vppon their Mistresses all the nimble Trickes of Vaulting , and are worthy to be made Dukes for doing the Somerset so liuely .

This Neast of Gallants , for the naturall partes that are in them , are maintainde by their Drawne-worke Dames , and their imbrodered Mistresses , and can dispend their two thousand a yeare out of other mens Coffers : kéepe at euery héele a man , beside a French Lackey , ( a great Boy with a beard ) and an English Page , which filles vp the place of an Ingle : they haue their Citie-horse ( which I may well tearme their Stone-horse ) or their Horse vppon the Stones : For indeed , the Citie being the lusty Danie and Mistresse of the Land , layes all her foundation vpon good Stone-worke , and some body payes well for it , where euer it lights , and might with lesse cost keepe London Bridge in reparations euery fall , then Mistresse Briget his wife ; for Women and Bridges alwayes lacke mendings and what the aduantage of one Tide performes , 〈◊〉 another tyde presently & w●shes away .