I Mary Sir , the onely rising vp in Armes , is in the armes of a woman : peace ( I say still ) is your onely Paradice , when euerie Adam may haue his Christmas Eue : and you take mee lying any more by the colde sides of a brazen-face field-peice vnlesse I haue such a Downe pillow vnder me , I le giue you leaue to knocke vp both my golles in my Fathers hall , and hang hats vpon these ten-penny nailes .

And yet brother , when with the sharpest hookes of my wit I labour'd to pull you from the warres , you broke loose , like a horse that knew his owne strength , and vow'd , nothing but a man of warre should backe you .

And swore that honour was neuer dyed in graine , till it was dipt in the cullors of the field .

I am a new man Sister , and now cry a pox a that honor , that must haue none but Barber-Surgions to waite vpon 't , and a band of poore stragling rascals , that euery twinckling of an eye , forfeit their legs and armes into the Lords hands Wenches by Mars his sweatty Buffe Ierkin , ( for now all my 〈◊〉 must smell a the Soldado ) I haue seene more mens head 〈◊〉 vp and downe like foote-balles at a breake-fast , after the hungry Cannons had pickt them ; than are Maiden-heads in Venice : and more legs of men seru'd in at a dinner , then euer I shall see legs of Capons in one platter whilst I liue .

I doe not thinke for all this , that my brother stood to it so lustilie as he makes his brags for .

Not so many as thou hast done with that villanous eye by a thousand .

T is not a Souldiers glory to tell howe many liues hee has ended , but how many he has saued : in both which honours the noble Hipolito had most excellent possession . Belieue it my faire Mistris , tho many men in a battle haue done more , your brother in this equal'd him who did most : he went from you a worthy Gentleman , he brings with him that tytle that makes a Gentleman most worthy ; the name of a Souldier , which how wel and how soone he hath earn'd , would in me seeme glorious to rehearse , in you to heare : but because his owne eare dwels so neere my voice , I will play the ill neighbour , and cease to speake well of him .

An argument that eyther you dare not , or loue not to flatter .

No more then I dare or loue to doe wrong ; yet to make a Cronicle of my friends nobly-acted deeds , would stand as far from flattery in me , as cowardize did from him .

S'foote if all the wit in this company haue nothing to set it selfe about , but to run Deuision vpon me , why then Eene burne off mine eares indeed , but my little Mer-maides , Signior Camillo does this , that I now might describe the Niniuiticall motion of the whole battle , and so tell what hee has done : and come , shall I begin ?

But I can tell you one thing , I shall make your hayre stand vp an end at some things .

Prethee good brother Soldier keepe the peace , our haire stand an end ? pittie a my hart , the next end would be of our wits : we hang out a white flag most terrible Tamberlaine , and begge mercy ; come , come , let vs neither haue your Niniuiticall motions nor your swaggering battailes : why my Lord Camillo , you inuited mee hether to a banquet , not to the Ballad of a pitcht field .

And heere it stands bright Mistris , sweetly attending what doome your lips willay vpon it .

We shall neuer describe it well , for fumbling i' th mouth .

Yes , yes , I haue a tricke to make vs vnderstand one another and we fumble neuer so —

Meddle not with his trickes sweet heart ; vnder pardon my Lord , tho I am your guest , I le bestow my selfe , sit deere beauties : for the men , let them take vp places themselues ; I prethee brother fighter sit , & talke of any subiect , but this langling law at Armes .

Wil you be so lustie ? no nor legs neither , we 'll haue them tyed vp too , since you are among Ladies : gallants , handle those things onlie that are fit for Ladies .

Agree'd so that we go not out of the compasse of those things that are fit for Lords .

And of Beautie what tongue would not speake the best ? since it is the Iewell that hangs vpon the brow of heauen , the best cullor that can be laide vpon the cheeke of earth : beauty makes men Gods immortall , by making mortall men to liue euer in loue . ( for loue .

So haue I , but I could neuer see 't : I de ride forty miles to follow such a fellow to Church , and would make more of a sprig of Rosemary at his buriall , than of a gilded Bride-branch at mine owne wedding .

Not in the men nor in the death , but in the deed ; troth I thinke he is not a sound man that wil dye for a woman , and yet I would neuer loue a man soundlie , that would not knocke at deathes doore for my loue .

I de knocke as long as I thought good , but haue my braines knockt out when I entred , if I were he .

What Uenetian Gentleman was there ; that hauing this in his Burgonet , did not ( to proue his head worthy of the honor ) doe more than defye death to the verie face ? trust vs Ladies , our Signiory standes bound in greater summes of thankes to your beauties for victorie , than to our vallour : my deare Uioletta one kisse to this picture of your whitest hand , when I was euen faint , ( with giuing and receiuing the doale of warre )

I haue heard much praise of that French gallant , good my Lord , bring him acquainted with our eyes .

Will your French prisoner drinke well ? or else cut his throate .

The pox he can , s'light me thinks a French man shold haue a good courage to wine , for many of them be exceeding hot fiery whoresons , and resolute as Hector , and as valliant as Troilus ; then come off and on brauely and lye by it , and sweate for t too , vpon a good and a millitary aduantage .

No , faire seruant , not the measure out , I haue on the sodaine a foolish desire to be out of the measure .

Nay I hope it is no breeding matter , tush , tush , by my maiden-head I will not , the musicke likes me not , and I haue a shooe wrings me to 'th heart ; besides I haue a womans reason , I will not daunce , because I will not daunce : prethee deare Hero take my prisoner there into the measure ; fye I cannot abide to see a man sad nor idle , I le bee out once , as the Musicke is ( in mine care )

In troth a very pretty French man , the carriage of his bodie likes me well ; so does his footing so does his face , so does his eye aboue his face , so does himselfe , aboue all that can bee aboue himselfe .

Shal Camillo then sing willow , willow , willow ? not for the world : no , no , my French prisoner ; I will vse thee Cupid knowes how , and teach thee to fall into the hands of a woman : if I doe not feede thee with faire lookes , nere let me liue : if thou getst out of my fingers til I haue thy verie heart , nere let me loue ; nothing but thy life shall serue my turne , and how otherwise I le plague thee , Monsieur you and I le deale , onely this , because I le be sure he shall not start , I le locke him in a little low roome besides himselfe , where his wanton eye shall see neither Sunne nor Moone : So , the daunce is done , and my heart has done her worst , made me in loue : farewel my Lord , I haue much hast , you haue many thankes , I am angred a little , but am greatly pleas'd : if you wonder that I take this strange leaue ; excuse it thus , that women are strange fooles , and will take any thing .

Trickes : trickes ? kerry merry buffe ; how now lad , in a traunce ?

Pilcher , Cupid hath got me a stomacke , and I long for lac'd mutton .

For as your tame Monkey is your onely best , & most onely beast to your Spanish Lady : or , as your Tobacco is your onely smoker away of rewme , and all other rewmeticke diseases : or as your Irish lowse does bite most naturally foureteene weekes , after the change of your Saffron seamed shirte or , as the commodities which are sent out of the Low-countries ( and put in vessels called mother Cornelius dry-fats ) are most common in Fraunce : so it pleaseth the destinies , that I should thirst to drinke out of a most sweet Italian vessell , being a Spaniard .

A Woman Pilcher , the moyst handed Madona Imperia , a most rare and diuine creature .

Boy , hast thou forrag'd the Country for a new lodging ? for I haue sworne to laye my bones in this Chittie of Uenice .

Any man that sees vs will sweare that we shall both lay our bones , and nothing but bones , and we stalke heere longer ; they tell me Signior , I must goe to the Constable , and he is to see you lodg'd .

I will , and heere come a leash of Informers : saue you plumpe youths .

Why , and farewell ; the roague 's made of pye-crust he 's so short .

Slid Dandiprat , this is the Spanish curtall that in the last battaile , fled twenty miles ere he lookt behinde him .

Doyt , he did the wiser : but sirra , this blocke shall bee a rare threshold for vs to whet our wits vpon ; come , let s about our busines , and if heere we finde him at our returne , he shall find vs this month in knauery .

Heere dwels the Constable ; call assistance , giue them my full charge , raize ( if you see cause ) now sir , what are you sir ?

And what are you sir , that cry out vpon me ? looke to his tooles . What are are you sir ? speake , what are you ? I charge you what are you ?

Most cleare Mirrour of Magistrates , I am a seruitor to God Mars .

For your seruing of God I am not to meddle , why doe you raize me ?

I desire to haue a wide roome in your fauour : sweete bloud , cast away your name vpon me ; for I neither know you by your face , nor by your voice

It may be so Sir ; I haue two voices in any company : one , as I am Master Constable : another , as I am Blurt : and the third , as I am Blurt Master Constable .

I vnderstand , you are a mightie piller or poast in the Chittie .

I am a poore poast , but not to stand at euerie mans doore , without my bench of Bill-men : I am ( for a better ) the Dukes owne Image and charge you in his name to obay me .

I am to stand Sir in any baudie house , or sincke of wickednes : I am the Dukes owne grace , and in any fray or resurrection , am to besturre my stumps as well as he ; I charge you know

Who so euer saies you haue a blacke eye , is a Camooche . most great Blurt ; I doe vnpent-house the roofe of my carkas & touch the knee of thy Office in Spanish complement , I desire to soiourne in your Chitty .

Sir , sir , for fault of a better , I am to charge you , not to keepe a Soldiering in our Cittie without a Precept : besides , by my office I am to search & examine you : haue you the Dukes hand to passe ? ( fingers .

Except it be for the general good of the Commonwealth , the Generall cannot leade you vp and downe our Cittie .

I haue the Generals hand to passe through the world at my pleasure .

At your pleasure ? that s rare ; then rowlie, powlie , our wiues shall lye at your commaund : your Generall has no such authoritie in my Presincte , and therefore I charge you passe no further .

I tell thee , I will passe through the world , thou little morsell of Iustice , and eate twenty such as thou art .

Sir , sir , you shall finde Uenice out of the world : I le tickle you for that .

I will passe through the world , as Alexander Magnus did , to Conquer .

As Alexander of Saint Magnus did ? that 's another matter , you might haue informed this at the first , & you neuer needed to haue come to your answere : let me see your Passe , if it bee not the Dukes hand , I le tickle you for all this : quicklie I pray ▪ this staffe is to walke in other places .

This is my Clarke sir , he has been Clarke to a good many bondes and Billes of mine , I keepe him onelie to read , for I cannot , my Office will not let me .

To see that hee read right : how now Slubber , i st the Dukes hand ? I le tickle him else .

Looke well , the Duke has a wart on the backe of his hand .

Heere 's none on my word Master Constable , but a little blot .

Blot ? let s see let s see ; ho that stands for the wart , doe you see the tricke of that ? Stay stay , is there not a little pricke in the hand for the Dukes hand had a pricke in 't when I was with him , with opening Oysters .

So has the Duke a goodly huge hand , I haue shooke him by it , ( God forgiue me ) ten thousand times : hee must passe like Alexander of Saint Magnus ; Well Sir , ( t is your duety to stand bare ) the Duke has sent his fist to me , and I were a Iew if I should shrinke for it ; I obay , you must passe , but pray take heede with what dice you passe , I meane what company , for Sathan is most busie , where he findes one like himselfe . your name Sir ?

Lazarillo de Tormes in Castile , cozen Germaine to the Adolantado of Spaine .

Are you so Sir ? Gods blessing on your heart : your name againe Sir , if it be not too tedious for you ?

Lazarillo de Tormes in Castile , Cozen-germaine to the Spanish Adolantado .

Has a good name , Slubber set it downe : write , Lazarus in torment at the Castle , and a cozning Germaine , at the signe of the Palantido diddle in Spaine : So Sir you are ingrost , you must giue my Officer a groate it 's nothing to me Signior .

Well Sir , well he shall giue you an Item for 't , make a bill and hee 'll teare it he saies .

By your sweet fauour most deare Blurt , you charge too fast , I am a hanger on vpon Mars , and haue a few Crownes .

And dezier you to point out a faire lodging for mee and my Traine .

T is my Office Signior to take men vp a nightes , but if you wil , my Maides shall take you vp a mornings , since you professe fighting ; I will commit you Signior to mine owne house , but will you pitch and pay , or will your Worship run —

Beare witnes Slubber , that his answer is Signior no : So now if he runnes vpon the score , I haue him straite vpon Signior no ; this is my house Signior , enter .

I , for a Soldier ; but ere he 'll goe , I thinke indeede , he & I together shall presse the Constable .

No matter , squeze him , and leaue no more liquor in him , than in a dry'd Neates tongue : Sirra thin-gut , what 's thy name ?

My name ? you chops , why I am of the bloud of the Pilchers .

Nay s'foote , if one should kill thee , hee could not bee hang'd for 't , for hee would shed no bloud , ther 's none in thee : Pilcher ? th' art a most pittifull dryed one .

I wonder thy master does not slice thee , and swallow thee for an Anchoues .

He wants wine Boy to swallow me down , for he wants money to swallow downe wine : but farewell , I must dog my master .

As long as thou dog'st a Spaniard , thou 'lt nere be fatter ; but stay , our hast is as great as thine , yet to endeere our selues into thy leane acquaintance cry Riuo Hogh , laugh and be fat , and for ioy that we are met wee 'll meete and be merry , sing :

Why sir , did my Mistris pricke you with the Spanish needle of her loue , before I summond you ( from her ) to this parly ?

Of mine honestie I doubt extreamely , for I cannot see the little Gods tokens vpon you : there is as much difference betweene you and a Louer , as betweene a Cuckolde and a Vnicorne .

For you doe not weare a paire of ruffled , frowning , vngartred Stockinges , like a Gallant that hides his small timbred legs , with a quaile-pipe boote : your hose stands vpon too many points , and are not troubled with that falling sicknes , which followes pale , meager , miserable , melancholy Louers : your hands are not groping continuallie .

In your greasie pocket sir , like one that wants a Cloake for the raine , and yet is still weather-beaten : your hat nor head are not of the true hey-ho-blocke , for it should be broad brim'd , lymber , like the skinne of a white pudding when the meate is out : the Facing fattye : the Felt dustye , and not entred into any band , but your hat is of the nature of a loose , light , heauie-swelling wench , too straite laced : I tell you Monsieur , a Louer should be all loose from the sole of the foote rizing vpward ; and from the Bases , or confines of the Slop , falling downewards : if you were in my Mistresses Chamber , you should finde other-gates priuy signes of loue hanging out there .

Oh sir , a Page must haue a Cats eye , a Spaniels legge , a whoores tongue ( a little tasting of the Cog ) a Catch-poles hand , what he gripes is his owne ; and a little little baudy .

Nay sweet roague , why wouldst thou make his face a vizard , to haue two loope-holes onely ? when he comes to a good face , may he not doe with his eyes what he will : s'foote if I were as he , I de pull them out , and if I wist they would anger thee .

Your foote with a pox ? I hope y' are no Pope Sir , his lips shall kisse my Sisters soft lippe : and thine , the tough lips of this : nay Sir , I doe but shewe you that I haue a toole ; doe you heate Saint Dennis , but that we both stand vpon the narrow bridge of Honour , I should cut your throate now , for pure loue you beare to my Sister , but that I know you would set out a throate .

Saint Marke set his markes vpon me then : stab ? I le haue my shinnes broken , ere I le scratch so much as the skin off , a the law of Armes : shall I make a French-man cry oh , before the fall of the Leafe ? not I by the Crosse of this , Dandyprat .

But sirra Camillo , wilt thou play the wise and venerable bearded Master Constable , and commit him indeede , because he would be medling in thy Precincte and will not put off the cap of his Loue to the browne-bill of thy desires ? Well , thou hast giuen the Law of Armes a broken pate alreadie , therefore if thou wilt needes turne Broker , and be a cut-throate too , doe : for my part , I le goe get a sweet ball , and wash my handes of it .

I st you Sir Pandarus , the broking Knight of Troy , are your two legs the paire of tressels , for the French-man to get vp vpon my Sister ?

By the nine Worthies , worthy Gallants not I ; I a Gentleman for Conueiance ? I Sir Pandarus ? would Troy then were in my breeches , and I burnt worse then poore Troy : sweet Signior you know , I know , and all Uenice knowes , that my Mistris scornes double dealing with her heeles .

With her heeles ? O heer 's a sure pocket Dag , and my Sister shootes him off snipsnap at her pleasure . Sirra Mephostophiles , did not you bring letters from my Sister to the French-man ?

No point per mafoy , you see I haue many tongues speake for me .

You holde a my side , and therefore I must needs stick to you , t is true : I going , hee followed ; and following , fingred me , iust as your worship does now : but I strugled and stragled , and wragled and wragled , and at last cryed Vale valete , as I doe now , with this fragment of a rime :

Not for this wager of my Sisters loue , run ; away Dandipart , catch True-penny , & hold him , thy selfe shal passe more currant .

For I know that the onelie way to win a wench , is not to woe her : the onely way to haue her fast , is to haue her loose : the onely way to tryumph ouer her , is to make her fall ; and the way to make her fall , —

Well Sir , you know the Gentlewoman that dwels in the midst of Saint Markes streete .

Oh Sir , the freckle checke Madona , I know her Signior , as well —

No Sir I de be loath to haue such inward acquaintance with her as you haue .

Well sir slip goe presently to her , and from me deliuer to her owne white hands , Fontinels picture .

Indeed Sir she loues to haue her chamber hung with the pictures of men .

She does , le keepe my sisters eyes and his painted face a sunder ; tell her besides , the Maske holdes and this the night , & nine the houre ; say we are all for her away .

Fie , fie , fie , fie , by the light oath of my Fanne , the weather is exceeding tedious and faint : Triuia , Simperina , stir , stir , stir , one of you open the Case-ments , t'other take a ventoy and gentlie coole my face : fye , I ha such an exceeding hye culler , I so sweat ; Simperina , dost heare ? prethee be more compendious : why Simperina !