A Fair Quarrel

A Faire Quarrell .

Actus primus , Scaena prima . Enter Master Russell Solus . Russell : IT must be all my eare ; there s all my loue , And that pulls on the tother , had I beene left In a sonne behind me , while I had beene here He should haue shifted as I did before him ; Liu'd on the freeborne portion of his wit : But a daughter , and that an onely one , oh ? We cannot be to carefull ore , to tender , T is such a brittle nicenes : a meere cubbord of glasses , The least shake breakes , or crakes em ; all my aime is To cast her vpon riches : that s the thing We richmen call perfection , for the world Can perfect nought without it , 't is not neatnesse Either in handsome wit ; or handsome outside With which one gentleman ( far indebt ) has courted her Which boldnes he shall rue . He thinkes me blind , And ignorant , I haue let him play A long time , Seem'd to beleiue his worth ; which I know nothing . He may perhaps laugh at my easie confidence Which closely I requite vpon his fondnesse . For this houre , snaps him ; and before his Mistris His Saint forsooth , which he inscribes my girle , He shall be rudely taken and disgract , The trick will proue an euerlasting Scarcrow , To fright poore gallants from our rich-mens daughters , Enter the Lady Ager , with two seruants . Sister ? I ue such a ioy to make you a well-come of , Better you neuer tasted . Lady , Good sir spare it not , Russ. Colonells come , & your son Captaine Ager ; Lady . My sonne ! — she weepes : Russ. I know your eye would be first seru'd , That s the soules taster still for griefe , or ioy , Lady . Oh if a mothers deare suit may preuaile with him , From England ; he shall neuer part agen , Russ. No question he 'le be ruld , and grant you that , Lady . I le bring all my desires to that request . Exeunt Lady and her Seruants . Russ. Affectionate sister , she ha's no daughter now It followes all the loue must come to him , And he has a worth deserues it , were it dearer . Enter a friend of the Colonells , and another of Captaine Agers . Colo. Frien. I must not giue way too 't , Russ. What s here to question , Col. Frie. Compare young Captaine Ager , with the Colonel , Cap. Fri. Yong ? why , doe you make youth stand for an imputation : that which you now produce for his disgrace , Infers his noblenes , that being young Should haue an anger more enclind to courage And moderation then the Colonell : A vertue as rare as chastety in youth . And let the cause be good ; ( conscience in him Which euer crownes his acts , and is indeed , Valours prosperity ) he dares then as much , As euer mad him famous that you pleade for ; Col: Frien. Then I forbeare to long . Cap: Frien. His worth for me . Russ.

Here s noble youths , belike some wench has crost 'em , and now they know not what to doe with their blood .

Enter the Colonell and Captaine Agar . Colo. How now ! Cap. Hold , hold , what s the incitement , Colo. So serious at your game , come , come , the quarrell , Colo. frie. Nothing good faith sir . Colo. Nothing , and you bleed , Col. fri. Bleed , where , pish , a little scratch by chance sir , Col: What need this nicenes , when you know so wel That I must know these things , and truly know 'em , Your daintines makes me but more impatient , This strange concealement frets me . Col. fri. Words did passe Which I was bound to answer , as my opinion And loue instructed me , and should I take in generall fame , Into 'em , I thinke I should commit no error in 't , Colo. What words sir , and of whom , Col. fri. This gentleman . Paralelld Captaine Agers worth with yours , Colo. With mine . Col. fai. It was a thing I could nor listen to With any patience . Capt. What should aile you sir , There was little wrong done to your friend i' that , Colo. How ? little wrong , to me , Capt. I said so , friend . And I suppose that you 'le esteeme it so ; Colo. Comparisons ? Capt. Why sis ? twixt friend , and friend , There is so euen and leuell a degree It will admit of no superlatiue . Col: Not in termes of man-hood ? Russ. Nay gentlemen , Col. Good sir giue mee leaue , in termes of manhood ? What can you dispute more questionable ? You are a captaine sir , I giue you all your due , Cap. And you are a Colonell , a title Which may include within it many captaines , Yet sir , but throwing by those titular shaddows , Which ad ne substance to the men themselues ; And take them vncompounded , man and man ; They may be so with faire equallity , Colo. Y' are a boy sir , Cap. And you haue a Beard sir . Virginity and marriage are both worthy , And the positiue puritie there are some Haue made the nobler . Colo. How now ? Russ. Nay good sir , Cap. I shrinke not , he that goes the formost , May be oretaken . Colo: Death , how am I weighd ? Cap. In an euen ballance sir , a beard put in Giues but a small aduantage : man and man And lift the scales , Colo. Patience shal be my curse If it tide me further ; Russ. How now Gallants ? Beleeue me then , I must giue aime no longer , Can words beget swords and bring um forth , ha ? Come they are abortiue propagations ; Hide 'um for shame , I had thought Souldiers Had bin musicall ; would not strike out of time , But to the consort of Drum , Trumps and Fife . T is madman-like to daunce without musique . And most vnpleasing showes to the beholders , A Lydian ditty to a Dorick note Friends embrace with steele hands ? fie , it meets to hard , I must haue those encounters heere debar'd , Colo. Shall I loose heere what I haue safe brought home Through many dangers ? Capt. What s that sir ? Colo. My fame , Life of the life , my reputation , Death ? I am squar'd and measur'd out , my heights Depths , breadth , all my dimensions taken , Sure I haue yet beyond your Astralobe A spirit vnbounded ; Cap. Sir , you might weigh , Russ. Tush , all this is weighing fire , vaine & fruitles , The further it runnes into argument The further plung'd , beseech you no more on 't , I haue a little claime , sir , in your blood As neare as the brother to your mother , If that may serue for power to moue your quiet The rest I shall make vp with curtesie And an Vncles loue . Cap. I haue done sir , but Russ. But ! I le haue no more shooting at these buts , Colo: Wee 'le to pricks , when he please , Russ. You roue all still Sir , I haue no motiue proofe to disgest Your raisd choller back into temperate blood , But if you 'le make mine age a counsellor ( As all ages haue hitherto allow'd it ) Wisdome in men growes vp as yeares encrease , You shall make me blessed in making peace , And doe your iudgement right , Colo. In peace at home Gray hayres are Senators : but to determine Soldiers and their actions ; Enter Fitzallen and Iane . Russ. T is peace heere sir , And see , heere comes a happy Interim , Here enters now a Sceane of louing armes ; This couple will not quarrell so ; Colo. Fri. Be aduisd Sir , This gentleman Fitzallen is your kinsman , You may' orethrow his long labord fortunes With one angry minut , t is a rich churle And this his sole inheritrix , blast not His hopes with this tempest , Colo. It shall calme me , All the townes coniurers and their Daemons Could not haue layd my spirit so , Fitz. Worthy Cuz I gratulate your faire returne to peace Your swift fame was at home long before you ; Colo It meetes ( I hope ) your hapy fortunes heere And I am glad in t , I must salute your ioyes , cuz , With a soulders encounter Kisses her . Fitz. Worthy Captaine Ager , I hope my kinsman shortly , — Russ. You must come short indeed , Or the length of my deuise will be ill shrunke , Why now it showes finely , I le tell you , sir , Sir , nay sonne , I know i' th end , t will be so , Fitz. I hope so , sir , Russ. Hope ? nay t is past all hope , sonne , Heere has beene such a stormy incounter , Betwixt my cozen Captaine and this braue Colonell About I know not what , nothing indeed , Competitions , degrees and comparatiues Of Soldiership : but this smooth passage Of loue has calm'd it all , come I le hau 't found , Let me see your hearts combined in your hands , And then I will beleeue the league is good , It shall be the grapes if we drinke any blood . Colo. I haue no anger sir , Capt. I haue had none , My blood has not yet rose to a quarrell , Nor haue you had cause , Colo. No cause of quarrell ? death ? if my father should tell me so : Russ. agen ? Fitz. Good sir , for my sake , Colo. Faith , I haue done , Cuz , You doe too hastily beleeue mine anger , And yet to say , deminiting vallour In a soldier is no cause of quarrell . Russ. Nay then I le remoue the cause to kil th' effect , Kinsman , I le presse you too 't , if either loue Or consanguinity may moue you too 't , I must disarme you , though yeare a soldier , Pray grant me your weapon , it shall be safe At your regresse from my house , now I know No words can moue this noble soldiers sword To a man vndefenc't so , we shall parle , And safely make all perfect friends agen , Colo. To shew my will sir , accept mine to you , As good not weare it as not dare to vse it . Colo friend . Nay then sir , we will be all exampled . Wee 'le haue no Armes heere now but louers armes . Capt. friend . No seconds must begin a quarrell , Take mine sir . Russ. Why Law , what a fine Sun shines heere ? these clouds my breath has blowne into another Climate , I le be your armourers , they are not paun'd , These were the fish that I did angle for , I haue caught 'vm finely , now for my trick , My proiect 's lusty , and will hit the nick . Exit with weapons . Colo. What is t a match beauty ? I would now haue , Aliance with my worthy Captaine Ager , To knit our loues the faster ; heere s witnes Enough if you confirme it now . Iane . Sir my voyce , Was long since giuen , since that I gaue my hand , Colo. Would you had seald too , Iane . That wish comes too late , For I too soone feare my deliuery : ( aside . ) My fathers hand stickes yet sir , you may now Challenge a lawfull interest in his , Hee tooke your hand from your enraged blood , And gaue it freely to your opposite My Cozen Ager , me thinks you should claime from him , In the lesse quality of calmer blood , To ioyne the hands of two diuided friends , Euen these two that would offer willingly Their owne embrace . Capt. friend . Troth , she instructs you well Colonell : and you shall doe a louers part worth one braue act of vallour . Colo. Why , I did misdoubt no scruple , is there doubt in it ? Fitz. Faith sir , delaies , which at the least are doubts , But heere s a constant resolution fixt , Which we wish willingly he would accord to , Colo. Tush he shall doo 't , I will not be denyed , Hee owes me so much in the recompence of my reconcilement , Captaine Ager You will take our parts aganst your vncle In this quarrell ? Ager . I shall doe my best , sir , Two denialls shall not repulse me , I loue Your worthy kinsman and wish him mine , I know He doubts it not . Colo. See , hee s returnd . Enter Russell and a Seruant . Russ. Your qu. Be sure you keep it , 't will be spoken quickly . Therefore watch it . Colo. Let s set on him all at once . Omnes , Sir , we haue a sute to you . Russ. What! all at once . Omnes . All , all , i faith , sir . Russ. On speaker may yet deliver , say , say , I shall not dare to stand out against so many , Colo. Faith sir heere s a brabling matter hangs on demurre , I make the motion for all , without a fee Pray you let it be ended this terme , Russ. Ha , ha , ha . That s the rascalls qu , and he has mist it . a side . What is it ? what is it sir ? Colo. Why sir , here 's a man ; And heer 's a woman ; y' are scholler good enough , Put ' am togither ; and tell me what it spells , Russ. Ha , ha , ha , there s his qu once agen , Enter Seruant . Oh hee 's come , humh : Seru. My maister laughes , that 's his qu to mischiefe , Col. What say you , sir Seru. Sir . Russ. Ha ? what say you sir ? Seru. Sir , there s a couple desire speedily to speake with you . Russ. A couple sir , of what , hounds , or horses ? Seru. Men sir , gentlemen or yeomen , I know not which ; But the one sure they are Russ. Hast thou no other description of them . Seru. They come with commission , they say , sir to tast of your earth : if they like it , they 'le turne it into gunpouder . Russ. Oh , they are Salt-peetermen , before mee And they bring commission : the kings power indeed , They must haue entrance , but the knaues will be brib'd , There s all the hope we haue in Officers , They were too dangerous in a common wealth , But that they will be very , well corrupted , necessary varlets , Seru: Shall I enter in sir ? Russ. By all faire meanes sir . And with all speed sir giue vm very good words , To saue my ground vnrauisht , vnbroke vp , Mines yet a virgin earth : the worme hath not beene seene , To wriggle in her chast bowells : and I de be loth A Gunpowder fellow should defloure her now . Colo. Our suit is yet delayd by this meanes sir , Russ. Alas I cannot help it , these fellowes gone ( As I hope I shall dispatch vm quickly ) A few Articles shall conclude your suite , Who ? Mr. Fitzallen : the onely man That my adoption aymes at . Colo. There s good hope then . Enter two Sergeants in disguise . 1. Ser. Saue you , sir , Russ. You are welcome sir for ought I know yet , 2. Ser. We come to take a view and tast of your ground , sir , Russ. I had rather feed you with better meat , Gentlemen , But doe your pleasures , pray : 1. This is our pleasures , we arrest you , sir , in the Kings name Fitz. Ha! at whose suite ? Russ. Howe 's that ? Colo. Our weapons , good sir furnish vs . Iane . Aye me , Russ. Stay stay , Gentlemen , le ts enquire the cause , It may be but a trifle ; a small debt , Shall need no rescew heere . 2.

Sir betwixt three Creditors : Mr. Leach , Mr. Swallow , and Mr. Bonesuck , the debts are a thousand pounds .

Russ. A thousand pounds ? Beshrow me a good mans substance . Colo.

Good sir our weapons wee le teach these varlets to walke in their owne parti-coulour'd Coates , that they may be distinguish't from honest men .

1. Ser. Sir , attempt no rescue , hee 's our prisoner , you 'le make the danger worse by violence . Colo. A plague vpon your Gunpowder treason ; Yee quicke damb'd Varlets , is this your salt peter proouing , Your tasting earth , would you might neuer feede better , Nor none of your Catchpole tribe : Our weapons good sir , wee le yet deliuer him . Russ. Pardon me sir , I dare not suffer rescue heere , At least not by so great an accessarie As to furnish you ; had you had your weapons , But to see the Ill fate on 't , my fine tricke Ifaith , Let Beggers beware to loue Richmens Daughters , I 'le teach 'um the new morrice , I learn't it My selfe of another carefull Father . Fitz. May I not be bayld ? 2. Ser. Yes , but not with swords , Colo. Slaues , heere are sufficent men ; 1. Ser. I i th field , But not in the Citty , sir , if this Gentleman Will be one , wee 'le easily admit the second . Russ. Who I ? sir , pray pardon me , I am wrongd , Very much wrongd in this , I must needs speake it , Sir , you haue not dealt like an honest Louer , With me nor my child , heere you boaste to mee Of a great reuenew , a large substance Wherein you would endow & state my daughter , Had I mist this , my opinion yet Thought you a frugall man , to vnderstand , The sure wardes against all necessities , Boldly to defend your wife and Family , To walke vnmuffled , dreadlesse of these fleshhookes , Euen in the daring'st streets through all the Citty , But now I find you a loose Prodigall , A large vnthrift , a whole thousand pound ? Come from him girle , his inside is not found ? Fitz. Sir I am wrongd , These are malitious plots , Of some obscure enemies that I haue , These debts are none of mine . Russ. I all say so , Perhaps you stand ingag'd for other men , If so you doe , you must then cal 't your owne , The like arrerage doe I run into Should I batle you ; But I haue vow'd against it , And I will keepe my vowes : that 's religious . Fitz. All this is nothing so sir . Russ. Nothing so ? By my faith it is sir , my vowes are firme , Fitz. I neither owe these debts , Nor engag'd for others . Russ. The easier is your liberty regain'd , These appeare proofes to me , Colo. Liberty sir ? I hope you le not see him goe to Prison , Russ. I do not meane to beare him company So far : but I le see him out of my doores , Oh sir , let him goe to Prison , 't is a Schoole To tame wild bloods , hee le be much better for t , Colo. Better for lying in Prison , Russ. In prison , Beleeue it many an honest man lies in prison , Else all the keepers are knaues , They told me so themselues . Col. Sir , I doe now suspect you haue betraid him , And vs to cause vs to be weaponlesse , If it be so y' are a blood suckng Churle , One that was born in a great frost , when charity Could not stir a finger , and you shall dye In heate of a burning feauer i' th Dog . dayes , To begin your hell to you , I haue said your grace for you , Now get you to supper as soone as you can , Pluto the Maister of the house is set already , Cap. Sir you doe wrong mine Vncle . Colo Poxe on your Vncle , And all his kin , if my Kinsman mingle No blood with him . Capt. Y' are a foule mouthd fellow , Colo. Foule mouth'd I will be , th' art the son of a whore , Capt. Ha! Whore ! plagues and furies I le thrust that backe , Or pluck thy heart out after , sonne of a whore ? Colo. On thy life I le proue it , Capt. Death I am naked , Vncle , I le giue you my left hand , for my sword , To arme my right with ; Oh this fire wil flame me Into prsent ashes , Colo. Sir , giue vs Weapons , We aske our owne , you will not rob vs of them ? Russ. No sir , but still restraine your furies heere , At my dore I le giue you them , nor , at this time My Nephewes , a time will better suit you , And I must tell you sir , you haue spoke swordes , And 'gainst the law of armes poyson'd the blades And with them wounded the reputation Of an vnblemisht woman : would you ' were out of my dores . Colo. Poxe on your dores , and let it run all your house ore , Giue me my sword . Capt. We shall meet Colonel ? Colo. Yes better prouided , to spur thee more , I do repeat my words Son of a Whore . Exit with his friend . Capt. fr. Come sir , 't is no worse then 't was : You can doe nothing now . Exit Capt. and his friend . Russ. No , I le bar him now , away with that begger , Exit . Iane . Good sir , let this perswade you for two minutes stay , At this prise ( I know ) you can wait all day . 1. Ser. You know the Remora that stayes our ship alwaies . Iane . Your ship sinkes many when this hold le ts goe , Oh my Fitzallen what is to be done , Fitz. To be still thine is all my part to be , Whether in freedome or captiuity , Iane . But art thou so ingag'd as this pretends ? Fitz By heau'n , sweet Iane 't is all a hellish plot Your cruell smiling father all this while , Has candied o're a bitter pill for me , Thinking by my remoue to plant some other , And then let goe his fangs . Iane . Plant some other ? Thou hast too firmely stampt me for thine owne , Euer to be rast out , I am not currant In any others hand ; I feare too soone I shall discouer it . Fitz. Let come the worst , Binde but this knot with an vnloosed line , I will be still thine owne .. Iane . And I le be thine . 1. Ser. My watch has gone two minutes M. Fitz It shall not be renew'd , I goe sir , farewell . Ia. Farewell , wee both are prison'd , though not togeither : But heer s the difference in our luckelesse chance . I feare mine owne , wish thy deliuerance . Fitz. Our hearts shall hourely visit , i le send to thee , Exit Fitz , with Officers Then t is no prison where the mind is free . Enter Russell . Russ. So , let him goe , now wench I bring thee ioyes , A faire sun-shine after this angry storme : It was my pollicie to remoue this begger : What shall rich men wed their onely daughters To two faire suites of cloathes ? and perhaps yet The poore Taylor is vnpaid ; no , no my gitle , I haue a lad of thousands comming in ; Suppose he haue more wealth then wit to guid it : Why , there s thy gaines , thou kep'st the keies of all Disposest all : and for generation , Man does most sildome stampe 'um from the braine , Wisemen begets fooles , and fooles are the fathers To many wise Children . Histeron , Proteron , A great scholler may be get an Ideot , And from the plow tayle may come a great scholler : Nay , they are frequent propogations . Iane . I am not well , sir . Russ. Ha ? not well my girle ? Thou shalt haue a Physitian then , The best that gold can fetch vpon his footecloath , Thou knowest my tender pitty to thee euer , Want nothing that thy wishes can instruct thee To call for , 'fore mee , and thou look'st halfe ill indeed , But I le bring one within a day to thee Shall rouse thee vp : for hee s come vp already , One M. Chaugh a Cornish Gentleman : Ha's as much land of his owne fee-simple , As a Crow can flie ouer in halfe a day : And now I thinke on 't , at the Crow at Algate His lodging is , He shall so stir thee vp , Come , come , be cheard , thinke of thy preferment , Honour and attendance , these wil bring thee health And the way to 'um is to clime by wealth . Exeunt .

Actus Secundus , Scaena primae . Enter Captaine Ager . Capt. The Sonne of a Whore ? There is not such another murdring piece In all the stocke of Calumny : it kils At one report two reputations , A mothers and a Sonnes : if it were possible That soules could fight after the bodies fell , This were a quarrell for 'em ; he should be one indeed That neuer heard of heauens ioyes or hels torments To fight this out : I am too full of conscience , Knowledge and patience , to giue Iustice too 't , So carefull of my Eternity , which consists Of vpright actions : that vnlesse I knew It were a truth I stood for , any Coward Might make my breast his footepace , & who liues That can assure the truth of his conception , More then a mothers carriage makes it hopefull . And i' st not miserable valour then , That man should hazard all vpon things doubtfull Oh ther 's the cruelty of my foes aduantage , Could but my soule resolue my cause were iust , Earth's mountaine , nor seas surge should hide him from mee , Ee'ne to hells threshold would I follow him , And see the slanderer in before I left him , But as it is it feares me , and I neuer Appeard too conscionably iust till now : My good oppinion of her life and Vertues , Bids me goe on : and faine would I be ruld by 't , But when my iudgement tels me shee s but woman , Whose fraile to let in death to all mankinde , My valour shrinkes at that , certaine shee s good , There onely wants but my assurance in 't , And al things then were perfect how I thirst for 't , Heere comes the onely shee that could resolue , But 't is too vild a question to demand indeed . Enter the Lady Ager . La. Sonne l 'ue a suite to you . Capt. That may doe well . To me good Madame , you 're most sure to speed in 't . Be et i' my power to grant it , La. T is my loue Makes the request , that you would neuer parte From England more , Capt: With all my heart t is graunted , I 'me sure I me i' th way neuer to part from 't , La. Where left you your deare friend the Colonel ? Capt Oh the deare Colonel , I should meete him soone , La. Oh faile him not then , hee s a Gentleman The same and reputation of your time Is much engadg'de to . Capt. Yes , and you knew all mother . La. I thought I 'de knowne so much of his faire goodnes , More could not haue bin look't for . Capt. O yes , yes Madam . And this his last exceeded all the rest . La. For gratitudes sake let me know this , I pre thee . Capt. Then thus , and I desire your censure freely , Whether it appeard not a strange noble kindnes in him . Lady . Trust me I long to hear 't , Capt. You know hee s hasty , That by the way . Lady . So are the best conditions Your Father was the like . Capt. I begin now To doubt me more , why am not I so too then , Blood followes blood through forty generations , And I 'ue a slow pac't wrath , a shrewd Dilemma , Lady . Well , as you were saying sir , Capt. Marry thus good Madame , There was in company a foule mouth'd villaine , stay , stay , Who should I liken him to , that you haue seene , He comes so neere one that I would not match him with , Faith iust a' th Colonels pitch , hee s nere the worse man , Vserers haue bin compard to Magistrates , Extortiners to Lawyers , and the like , But they all proue nere the worse men for that , Lady . That 's bad enough , they need not , Capt. This rude fellow , A shame to all humanity or manners , Breaths from the rottenes of his gall and mallice , The foulest staine that euer mans same blemisht , Part of which fell vpon your honor Madame , Which heighthend my affliction . Lad. Mine ? my honor sir ? Capt. The Colonel soone inrag'd , ( As hee 's all touch-wood ) Takes fire before me , makes the quarrell his , Appoynts the Field , my wrath could not be heard His was so high pitcht , so gloriously mounted , Now what s the friendly feare , that fights within mee , Should his braue noble Fury vndertake , A cause that were vniust in our defence , And so to loose him euerlastingly , In that darke depth where all bad quarrells sinke , Neuer to rise againe , what pitty t were , First to dye heere and neuer to dye there . Lady , Why what s the quarrel , speake sir : that should raise Such fearefull doubt , my honour bearing part ou 't : The words what ere they were : Capt. Son of a whore . La .. Thou lyest , & were my loue ten thousand times more to thee , Which is as much now , as ere mothers was , So thou shouldst feele my anger . Do'st thou call That quarrel doubtfull ; where are all my merites , Strikes him . Not one stand vp to tell this man his error . Thou might'st as well bring the Sun's truth in question , As thy birth or my honour . Capt. Now blessings crown you for 't , It is the ioyful'st blow that ere flesh felt . Lady . Nay stay , stay sir , thou art not left so soone , This is no question to be slighted of , And at your pleasure closde vp fayre agen , As though you 'de neuer toucht it , no honour doubted , Is honour deepely wounded , and it rages More then a common smart , being of thy making . For thee to feare my truth , it kils my comfort , Where should fame seeke for her reward , when he That is her owne by the great tye of bloud , Is fardest of in bounty , O poore goodnes ! That onely pay'st thy selfe with thy owne works , For nothing else looks towards thee . Tell me pray , Which of my louing cares dost thou requite With this vilde thought ? which of my prayers or wishes ? Many thou owest me for , this seauen year hast thou known me A widdow , onely married to my vow : That s no small witnesse of my faith and loue To him that in life was thy honord Father , And liue I now to know that good mistrusted . Capt. No , t' shall appeare that my beliefe is cherefull , For neuer was a mothers reputation Noblyer defended , t is my ioy and pride , I haue a firme to bestow vpon it . Lady . What s that you said sir ? Capt. 'T were too bold , and soone yet To craue forgiuenesse of you . I will earne it first , Dead or aliue , I know I shall enioy it . Lady . What s all this sir ? Capt. My ioyes beyond expression : I do but thinke how wretched I had been , Were this anothers quarrell , and not mine . Lady . Why , is it yours ? Capt. Mine ! Thinke me not so miserable , Not to be mine : then were I worse then abiect , More to be loathde then villnes ; or sins dunghill : Nor did I feare your goodnes ( faithfull Madame ) But came with greedy ioy to be confirmde in 't , To giue the nobler onset , then shines valour , And admiration from her fix't Sphere drawes , When it comes burnisht with a righteous cause , Without which I 'me ten fadomes vnder coward , That now am ten degrees aboue a man , Which is but one of vertues easiest wonders . Lady . But pray stay ; all this while I vnderstood you , The Colonel was the man Capt. Yes , hee 's the man , The man of iniury , reproach and slander , Which I must turne into his soule again . Lady . The Colonell doo 't , that 's strange Capt. The villaine did it : That s not so strange ; — your blessing and your leaue Lady . Come , come , you shall not goe . Capt. Not goe ; were death Sent now to summon me to my Eternity , I 'de put him off an howre : why the whole world Ha's not chains strong inough to bind me from 't : The strongest is my Reuerence to you , Which if you force vpon me in this case ; I must be forc'st to breake it . Lady . Stay I say . Capt. In any thing commaund me but in this Madame . La. Lasse , I shall loose him , you 'le heare me first . Capt. At my returne I will . Lady . Youl 'e neuer heare me more then . Capt. How ? Lady . Come backe I say : You may well thinke there s cause I call so often . Capt. Hah , cause ! what cause ? Lady . So much , you must not goe . Capt. How ? Lady . You must not goe . Capt. Must not , why ? Lady . I know a reason for 't , Which I could wish you 'd yeeld to , & not know If not , it must come forth . Faith , do not know , And yet obey my will . Capt. Why I desire To know no other then the cause I haue , Nor should you wish it , if you take your iniury For one more great , I know the world includes not . Lady . Yes , one that makes this nothing , — yet be rulde , And if you vnderstand not , seeke no further . Capt. I must , for this is nothing . Lady . Then take all , And if amongst it you receiue that secret That will offend you , though you condemn mee , Yet blame your selfe a little , for perhaps I would haue made my reputation sound Vpon an others hazards with lesse pitty ; But vpon yours I dare not . Capt. How ? Lady . I dare not , 'T was your owne seeking ; this , Capt. If you meane euilly I cannot vnderstand you , nor for all the riches This life has , would I . La. would you neuer might . Capt. Why , your goodnes , that I ioy to fight for . Lady . In that you neither right your ioy nor me . Capt. What an ill Orator has vertue got here ? Why , shal I dare to thinke it a thing possible That you were euer false ? Lady . Oh fearefully ! As much as you come to . Capt. Oh silence , couer me . I ue felt a deadlier wound then man can giue me , false ? Lady . I was betraide to a most sinfull howre . By a corrupted soule I put in trust once . A Kinswoman . Capt. Where is shee ? let me pay her . Lady . Oh , dead long since . Capt. Nay then sh 'as all her wages : False , do not say 't , for honors goodnes doe not , You neuer could be so , he I calde Father , Deserud you at your best , when youth & merit Could boast at highest in you , y' ade no grace , Or vertue that he matcht not , no delight That you inuented but he sent it crownde To your full wishing soule . Lady . That heapes my guiltinesse . Cap. Oh , were you so vnhappy to be false , Both to your selfe and me , but to me chiefly , What a dayes hope is here lost , and with it The ioyes of a iust cause . Had you but thought On such a noble quarrell , you 'd ha dyed Ere you 'd ha yeelded , for the sins hate first , Next for the shame of this howres cowardize : Curst be the heate that lost me such a cause , A worke that I was made for . Quench my spirit , And out with honors flaming lights within thee : Be darke and dead to all respects of manhood , I neuer shall haue vse of valour more : Put off your vow for shame , why should you hoarde vp Such Iustice for a barren widdowhood , That was so iniurious to the faith of wedlocke . Exit Lady . I should be dead , for all my lifes works ended , I dare not sight a stroke now , nor engadge The noble resolution of my friends , Enter two friends of Captaine Agers . That were more vilde . Their here , kill me my shame , I am not for the fellowship of honour . 1. Friend . Captaine , fie come sir , we haue been seeking for you very late to day , this was not wout to be , Your enemies i th field , Capt. Truth enters cheerefully . 2 Friend . Good faith sir y 'aue a royall quarrell on 't , Capt. Yes , in some other Country , Spaine or Italy . It would be held so . 1 Friend . How , and is t not here so ? Capt. T is not so contumeliously receiude In these parts , and you marke it . 1 Friend . Not in these ? Why prithee what is more , or can be ? Capt, Yes , That ordinary Commotioner the lye Is Father of most quarrels in this Clymate , And held here capitall , and you go to that . 2. Fr. But sir , I hope you will not go to that , Or change your owne for it , Sonne of a Whore , Why there s the Lye downe to posterity . The lye to brithe , the lye to honesty , Why would you cussen you selfe so , and beguile So braue a cause , Manhoods best Master peece , Doe you euer hope for one so braue agen . Capt. Consider then the man Colonell , Exactly worthy , absolutely noble , How euer spleene and rage abuses him : And t is not wel , nor manly to pursue A mans infirmity . 1 Friend . O miracle ! So hopefull , valiant and compleate a Captaine , Possest with a tame deuill , come out , thou spoilest The most improude yong souldier of seuen kingdoms , Made Captaine at nineteene , which was deserude The yeare before , but honor comes behind still , Come out I say , this was not wont to be , That spirit neuer stood in need of prouocation , Nor shall it now . Away sir . Capt. Vrge me not . 1. F. By Manhoods reuerend honor but we must . Capt. I will not fight a stroake . 1. Friend . O blasphemy To sacred valour ! Capt. Leade me where you lift . 1. Friend . Pardon this trayterous slumber , clogd with euils . Giue Captaines rather wiues then such tame diuels . Exeunt . Enter Physitian and Iane . Ph. Nay Master , you must not be couer'd to me , The Patient must ope to the Physitian All her dearest sorrowes : Art is blinded else , And cannot shew her misticall effects . Iane . Can Art be so dimsighted , learned sir ? I did not thinke her so in capacious : You traine me ( as I guesse ) like a Coniurer , One of our fiue Oraculous wizards , who from the helpe of his Examinant , By the neare guesse of his suspition Appoints out the thiefe by the marks he tels him : Haue you no skill in Phisiognomie ? what colour ( sayes your coat ) is my disease ? I am vnmarried , and it cannot be yellow , If it be Mayden greene , you cannot misse it . Phis. I cannot see that vacuum in your bloud : But Gentlewoman , if you loue yourselfe , Loue my aduise , be free and plaine with me , where lyes your griefe ? Iane . Where lyes my griefe indeed ? I cannot tell the truth where my griefe lyes , But my Ioy 's imprison'd . Phis. This is misticall . Ian. Lord , what plaine questions you make problemes of , Your Art is such a regular high way That put you out of it , and you are lost : My heart is imprison'd in my body , sir : There s all my ioy , and my sorrow too Lyes very neere it . Phys. They are bad adiuncts , Your ioy and griefe lying so neare together , Can propagate no happy issue , remoue The one ( and let it be the worst ) your griefe , If you 'le propose the best vnto your ioy . Iane . why , now comes your skill : what physicke for it ? Phis. Now I haue found you out , you are in loue . Iane . I thinke I am , what your appliance now ? Can all your Paracelsian mixtures cure it , 'T must be a Surgeon of the Ciuill Law , I feare that must cure me . Phi. Gentlewoman , If you knew well my heart , you would not bee So circuler , the very common name Of Physitian might reproue your nicenesse , wee are as secret as your Confessors , And as firme oblig'd , t is a fine like death For vs to blab . Iane . I will trust you , yet sir , I had rather doe it by Atturney to you , I else haue blushes that will stop my tongue Haue you no friend so friendly as your selfe Of mine owne Sexe , to whom I might impart My sorrowes to you at the second hand . Phi. why law , there I hit you , & be confirmde , I le giue you such a bosome counsellour , That your own tong shall be sooner false to you , Make your selfe vnready , and be naked to her : I le fetch her presently . Exit Physitian . Iane . I must reueale My shame will else take tongue , & speake before T is a necessity impulsiue driues me : me , Oh my hard fate , but my more hard father , That Father of my fate , a father said I ? What a strange Paradoxe I run into , I must accuse two fathers of my fate And fault , a reciprocall generation , The father of my fault would haue repairde , His faulty issue , but my Fates Father hinders it : Then Fate and fault , where euer I begin , I must blame both , and yet 't was loue did sinne . Enter Physician , and Anne his sister . Phy. Looke you Mistres , heres 's your closer put in , What you please , you euer keep the key of it , Iane . Let me speake priuate , sir . Phy. With all my heart , I will be more then mine eares length from you . Iane . You hold some indeared place with this Gent. An. Hee 's my brother forsooth , I his creature , He does command me any lawfull office Eyther in act or counsell . Iane . I must not doubt you , Your brother ha's protested secresie , And strengthned me in you : I must lay ope A guilty sorrow to you : I am with child , T is no blacke Swan I show you , these spots sticke Vpon the face of many goe for maides , I that had face ynough to do the deed , Cannot want tongue to speake it : but t is to you , Whom I accept my helper . Anne . Mistris , t is lock't Within a Castle that 's inuincible , It is too late to wish it were vndone . Ia. I haue scarce wish within my selfe so strong For vnderstand me , t is not all so ill , As you may yet conceit it : this deed was done When heauen had witness to the Iugall knot , Onely the barren ceremonie wants . Which by an aduerse Father is abridged . Anne . Would my pitty could helpe you . Iane . Your counsell may . My Father yet shootes widest from my sorrow , And with a care indulgent seeing me chang'd From what I was , sends for your good brother To finde my griefe , and practise remedy : You know it , giue it him , but if a fourth Be added to this counsell : I will say Ye ' are worse then you can call me at the worst . At this aduantage of my reputation . Anne . I will reuiue a reputation , That women long has lost , i le keepe counsell . I le onely now oblige my teeth to you , And they shall bite the blabber if it offer To breath on an offending syllable . Iane . I trust you , go , whisper , here comes my Father . Enter Russell , Chawgh , and Trimtram . Russ. Sir . you are welcome , more and most welcome , All the degrees of welcome : thrice welcome sir . Chaw. Is this your daughter , sir ? Russ. Mine onely ioy , sir . Chaw.

I le shew her the Cornish hug , sir , — I haue kist you now sweet heart , and I neuer doe any kindnesse to my friendes , but I vse to hitte 'am in the teeth with it presently .

Trim.

My name is Trimtram forsooth , looke what my master does , I vse to doe the like .

Anne .

You are deceiu'd , sir , I am not this Gentlewomans seruant , to make your courtesie equall .

Chaw.

You doe not know me Mistresse .

Iane .

No indeed , I doubt I shall learne too soone .

Chaw.

My name is Chawgh , a Cornish Gentleman , my man s mine owne countriman too yfaith : I warrant , you tooke vs for some of the small Islanders .

Iane .

I did indeed , betweene the Scotch and Irish .

Chaw.

Red-shankes : I thought so by my truth , no truely , we are right Cornish Diamonds .

Trim. Yes , we cut out quarrels , and breake glasses , where wee goe , Phis. If it be hidden from her Father , yet His ignorance vnderstands well his knowledge , For this ( I guesse ) to be some rich coxcombe Hee 'de put vpon his daughter , An. That s plainely so . Phys. Then only shee 's beholding to out helpe For the close deliuery of her burden , Else all 's ouerthrowne . An. And pray be faithfull in that . sir . Phys. Tush , we Physitians are the truest Alchymists , that from the ore and drosse of sinne , Can new distill a Maydenhead agen . Russ. How doe you like her sir ? Chaw.

Troth I doe like her sir in the way of comparison to any thing that a man would desire . I am as high as the Mount in loue with her already , and that s as far as I can go by land , but I hope to goe further by water with her one day .

Russ. I tell you sir , she has lost some colour , By wrastling with a peeuish sicknes now of late . Chaw.

Wrastle ? nay and she loue wrastling , I le teach her a tricke to ouerthrow any peeuish sicknes in London , what ere it be .

Russ. Well , she had a rich beauty though I say 't , Nor is it lost : a little thing repayres it . Chaw.

Shee shall commaund the best thing that I haue in Middlesex , yfaith .

Kuss. Well sir , talke with her , giue her a relish Of your good liking to her , you shall haue time And free accesse to finish what you now begin , Iane . What meanes my father ? my loues vniust restraint , My shame were it publisht , both together Could not afflict me like this odious foole : Now I see why he hated my Fitz-Allen . Chaw.

Sweet Lady , your father sayes you are a wrastler , if you loue that sport , I loue you the better . I faith I loue it as well as I loue my meate after supper , t is indeed meate , drinke and cloth to me .

Iane . Me thinkes it should teare your clothes , sir . Chaw.

Not a rag yfaith : Trimtram hold my cloake , — I le wrastle a fall with you now , I le show you a tricke that you neuer saw in your life .

Iane . Oh good sir for beare , I am no wrastler . Phy. Good sir take heed , you 'le hurt the Gentlewoman . Chaw.

I will not catch beneath the waste belieue it , I know fayre play ,

Iane . T is no womans exercise in London , sir . Chaw.

I 'le nere belieue that , the hug and the locke betweene man and woman , with a fayre fall , is as sweete an exercise for the body , as you 'l desire in a sommers euening .

Phy. Sir , the Gentlewoman is not well , Chaw, It may be you are a Physitian , sir . Phys. T is so , sir . Chaw.

I say then , and i le stand too 't , three ounces of wrastling with two hippes , a yard of a greene gowne put together in the Intourne , is as good a medicine for the greene sicknesse as euer breathd .

Trim.

Come sir , take your cloake agen , I see here wil be nere a match .

Iane .

A match ? I 'de rather bee matcht from a Muskets mouth , and shot vnto my death .

Chaw, I le wrastle with any man for a good supper . Trim. I marry sir , i le take your part there , catch that catch may . Phy. Sir , she is willing too 't . There at my house , She shall be priuate , and neare to my attendance , I know you not mistrust my faithfull care , I shall returne her soone and perfectly . Russ, Take your charge sir , go with this gentleman ( Iane ) But prithee looke well this way , ere thou go'st , 'T is a rich Simplicity of great Estate : A thing that will be rul'd , and thou shalt rule , Consider of your sexes generall ayme , That domination is a womans heauen . Iane . I 'le thinke on 't sir . Russ. My daughter is retiring , sir . Chaw.

I will part at Dartmouth with her , sir , Oh that thou didst but loue wrastling , I would giue any man three foiles on that condition .

Trim.

There 's three sorts of men that would thanke you for 'um , eyther Cutlers , Fencers , or Players .

Russ.

Sir as I began , I end , wondrous welcome .

Exit Russ , Iane , Phys. An. Trim.

What , will you go to schoole to day ? you are enterd you know , and your quarterige runs on .

Chaw.

What ? to the roaring schoole ? pox on 't , 't is such a damnable noyse , I shall neuer attaine it neyther : I doe wonder they haue neuer a Wrastling Schoole , that were worth twenty of your fencing or dancing schooles .

Trim.

Wel , you must learne to roare here in London , you 'le neuer proceede in the reputation of Gallantrie else .

Chaw.

How long ha's Roaring been an exercise , thinkest thou Trimtram .

Trim.

Euer since Guns came vp , the first was your roaring Meg

Ch. Meg .

Then 't was a woman was the first roarer :

Trim.

I , a fire of her tuch-hole , ' that cost many a proper mans life since that time : and then the Lyons they learn't it from the Guns , liuing so neare 'um , then it was heard to the Banckeside , and the Beares they beganne to roare : then the boyes got it , and so euer since there haue beene a company of roaring boyes .

Chaw.

And how long will it last , thinkest thou ?

Trim.

As long as the Water runs vnder London Bridge , or Watermen at Westminster stayres .

Chaw.

Well , I will beginne to roare too , since it is in fashion , Oh Corineus , this was not in thy time , I should haue heard on 't by the tradition of mine Ancestors ( for I ' me sure there were Chawghes in thy dayes ) if it had beene so , when Hercules and thou wert on the Olimpicke mount together , then was wrastling in request .

Trim.

I , and that Mount is now the Mount in Cornwall . Corineus brought it thither vnder one of his arms , they say .

Chaw.

Oh Corineus my predecessor : that I had but liu'd in those dayes to see thee wrastle , on that condition I had dyed seuen yeare ago .

Trim.

Nay , it should haue been a dozen at least , yfaith , on that condition . Exeunt .

Actus Tertius . Scaena Prima . Enter Captaine Ager with his two friends . Capt. Well , your wils now . 1. Our Wils ? our Loues , our Duties To honord Fortitude : What wils haue we But our desires to Noblenes and Merit ? Valours aduancement , and the sacred Rectitude Due to a valourous cause . Capt. Oh , that s not mine . 2. War ha's his court of Iustice , that 's the field , Where all cases of Manhood are determinde , And your case is no meane one . Capt. True , then 't were vertuous : But mine is in extreames , fowle and vniust : Well , now y 'aue got me hither , y' are as far To seeke in your desire , as at first minute : For by the strength and honour of a vow , I will not lift a finger in this quarrell . 1. How ? not in this ? be not so rash a sinnen : Why sir , doe you euer hope to fight agen then Take heede on 't , you must neuer looke for that , Why the vniuersall stocke of the Worlds iniury , Will bee too poore to finde a quarrell for you : Giue vp your right and title to desert , sir , If you fayle vertue here , shee needes you not : All your time after , let her take this wrong , And neuer presume then to serue her more : Bid farewell to the integrity of armes , And let that honourable name of Souldier Fall from you like a shiuered wreath of Lawrell By Thunder strucke from a desertlesse forehead , That weares anothers right by vsurpation . Good Captaine , do not wilfully cast away At one houre all the same your life ha's won : This is your natiue seate , here you should seeke Most to preserue it , or if you will doate So much on life ( poore life ) which in respect Of life in honour is but death and darknesse That you will proue neglectfull of your selfe , Which is to me too fearefull to imagine , Yet for that vertuous Ladies cause ( your mother ) Her Reputation , deere to Noblenesse As grace to penitence , whose fayre memory , Ee'n crowns fame in your issue , for that blessednes , Giue not this ill place , but in spite of hell , And all her base feates , be exactly valiant , Capt. Oh — o — o 2 Why , well sayd , thetes fayre hope in that , Another such a one . Capt. Came they in thousands ? T is all against you . 1 Then poore friendlesse merite , Heauen be good to thee , thy professor leaues thee : Enter Colonell and his two friends . Hee 's comd , do but you draw , wee 'le fight it for you . Capt. I know too much to grant that . 1. O dead manhood ! Had euer such a cause so faynt a seruant ? Shame brand me if I do not suffer for him . Colo. I u'e heard sir , ya 'ue bin guilty of much boasting , For your braue earlines at such a meeting , Y 'aue lost the glory of that way this morning : I was the first to day . Capt, So were you euer . In my respect sir . 1. O most base Praeludium ! Capt. I neuer thought on Victory our Mistres With greater reuerence then I haue your worth , Nor euer lou'd her better . 1.

Slight , I could knocke his braines about his heeles , mee thinkes .

2. Peace , prithee peace . Capt. Successe in you has beene my absolute ioy , And when I haue wisht content , I haue wisht your friendship . 1. Stay , let me but run him through the tongue a little , There s Lawyers bloud in 't , you shal see foule geere streight 2. Come you are as mad now , as hee 's cowardous . Col. I came not hither sir for an Encomium . 1. No , the more Coxcombe he , that clawes the head Of your vaine glory with 't ! Col. I came prouided For Stormes and Tempests , and the fowlest Season That euer Rage let forth , or blew in wildnesse From the incensed prison of mans bloud . Capt. T is otherwise with me , I come with Mildnesse , Peace , constant Amity , and calme Forgiuenes , The weather of a Cristian and a friend . 1 , Giue me a valiant Turke , though not worth ten pence , rather . Cap. Yet sir , the world will iudge the iniury mine . Insufferable mine , mine beyond iniury , Thousands haue made a lesse wrong reach to hel , I , and reioyc'st in his most endlesse vengeance , ( A miserable triumph , though a iust one ) But when I call to memory our long friendship Me thinkes it cannot be too great a wrong . That then I should not pardon , why should man , For a poore hasty syllable or two , ( And vented onely in forgetfull fury ) Cheine all the hopes and riches of his soule To the reuenge of that , dye , lost for euer : For he that makes his last peace with his Maker In anger , anger is his peace eternally : He must expect the same returne againe , Whose venture is deceitfull . Must he not sir ? Col. I see what I must do , fairely put vp agen : For here 'le be nothing done , I perceiue that , Capt. What shall be done in such a worthlesse businesset But to be sorry , and to be forgiuen . You sir to bring repentance , and I pardon . Col. I bring repentance sir ? Capt. If it be too much To say Repentance : Call it what you please sir : Chuse your owne world , I know you 'r sorry for 't , and that s as good . Col. I sorry ? by fames honour , I am wrongd : Doe you seeke for peace , and draw the quarrell larger ? Capt. Then t is : I 'me sorry that I thought you so . 1. A Captaine , I could gnaw his title of . Capt. Nor is it any misbecomming vertue , sir , In the best manlines to repent a wrong , Which made me bold with you . 1. I could cuff his head off , 2. Nay : pish . 1. Pox on him , I could eate his buttocke bak't me thinks . Col. So , once agen take thou thy peacefull rest then , But as I put thee vp : I must proclaime This Captaine here , both to his friends and mine , That onely came to see fayre valour righted , Offers to go away . A base submisiue coward ; so I leaue him . Capt. Oh , heauen has pittied my excessiue patience , And sent me a cause : now I haue a cause : A coward I was neuer : — Come you backe sir ? Col. How ? Cap. You left a coward here ? Col. Yes sir , with you . Cap. T is such base mettell sir : 't will not be taken , It must home agen with you . 2. Should this be true now . 1. Impossible , coward do more then bastard ? Col. I prethee mocke me not , take heed you do not , For if I draw once more , I shall grow terrible , And rage will force me doe what will grieue honour . Capt. Ha , ha , ha . Col. He smiles , dare it be he ? what thinke you Gentlemen ? Your iudgements , shall I not be cussend in him ? This cannot be the man ? why he was bookish , Made an inuectiue lately against fighting , A thing in troth that mou'de a little with me , Put vp a fowler contumely far Then thousand cowards came to , & grew thankfull Capt. Blessed remembrance in time of need ? I 'de lost my honour else . 2. Do you note his ioy ? Capt I neuer felt a more seuere necessity . Then came thy excellent pitty . - . Not yet ready ? Haue you such confidence in my iust manhood : That you dare so long trust me , and yet tempt me Beyond the tolleration of mans vertue , Why ? would you be more cruel then your iniury ? Do you first take pride to wrong me , & then think me Not worth your fury , do not vse me so : I shall deceyue you then : sir , eyther draw , And that not sleightingly , but with the care Of your best preseruation ; with that watchfulnes , As you 'd defend your selfe from circuler fire , Your sins rage , or her Lord , this will require it , Or you 'le be too soone lost for I 'ue an anger Has gathered mighty strength against you : mighty ; Yet you shall find it honest to the last , Noble and Fayre . Col. I 'le ventur 'te once agen . And if 't be but as true , as it is wondrous , I shall haue that I come for ; Your leaue Gent. 1. If he should doo 't indeed , & deceiues al now : Stay , by this hand he offers ; fights yfaith . Fights : by this light he fights sir . 2. So me thinkes sir . 1. An absolute Punto : hey . 2. ! T was a Passado sir . 1. Why let it passe , and 't was , I 'me sure , t' was somwhat , What s that now . 2. That s a Punto . 1. O goe to then , I knew 't was not farre off : What a world s this ? Is coward a more stirring meat then bastard , my Masters ? Put in more egges for shame when you get children , And make it true Court custard . — Ho ? I honor thee : T is right and fayre , and he that breathes against it , He breathes against the iustice of a man , And man to cut him off : t is no iniustice . Thanks , thanks , for this most vnexpected noblenes . Cap.

Truth neuer fayles her seruant , sir , nor leaues him With the dayes shame vpon him .

1. Th' ast redeemde Thy worth to the same height 't was first esteemde . Exeunt Captaine and his friends . Col. 1. Friend . Alasse , how is it sir : giue vs some hope Of your stay with vs : Let your spirit bee seene Aboue your fortune , the best fortitude Ha's been of Fate ill friended : Now force your Empire , And raigne aboue your bloud , spite of deiection , Reduce the Monarchie of your abler mind , Let not flesh streighten it . Col Oh , iust Heauen has found me , ¹ And turnde the strings of my too hasty Iniuries Into my owne bloud , I pursude my ruine , And vrgde him past the patience of an Angell . Could mans reuenge extend beyond mans life : This would ha' wak't it , If this flame will light me But till I see my sister : t is a kinde one . More I expect not from 't , Noble deseruer : Farewell most valiant , and most wrong'd of men , Exeunt , led by them . Do but forgiue me , & I am Victor then . Enter Physitian , Iane , Anne , Dutch Nurse with the child . Phys. Sweet Fro , to your most indulgent care , Take this my hearts ioy , I must not tell you , The valew of this iewell in my bosome . Nur. Dat you may vell . sir , der can niet forstoore you . Ph. Indeed I cannot tell you , you know Nurse , These are aboue the quantity of prise , Where is the glory of the goodliest trees But in the fruit and branches ? The old stocke Must decay , and sprigs , syens such as these Must become new stockes from vs to glory , In their fruitfull issue , so we are made Immortall on by other . Nur.

You spreke a most lieben fader , and Ick fall do de best of tender Nurses to dis Infant , my prettie Frokin .

Phys. I know you will be louing , here sweet friend , Giue . money . Heere 's earnest of a large summe of loue and coyne . To quit your tender care . Iane . I haue some reason too , Giues her money . To purchase your deare care vnto this Infant . Nurs.

You be de witnesse of de Baptime , dat is , as you spreken : de godimother , ick vell forstoor it so .

Iane . Yes , I am the bad mother : If it be offence . Aside . Ann. I must be a little kinde too . Giues her money . Nurs.

Much tankes to you all : dis child is much belouen : and Ick sall see much care ouer it .

Phys. Farewell good sister : Show her the way forth , I shall often visite you , kind Nurse . Nurs. You sall be velcome . Exeunt Ann and Nurse . Iane . Oh sir , what a friend haue I found in you ? Where my poore power shall stay in the requitall , Your selfe must from your fayre condition Make vp in meere acceptance of my will . Phys. Oh , pray you vrge it not , we are not borne For our selues onely , selfe loue is a sinne , But in our louing donatiues to others , Mans vertue best consists , loue all begets , Without , all are adulterate and counterfeit . Iane . Your boundlesse loue I cannot satisfie , But with a mentall memory of your vertues , Yet let me not ingage your cost withall , Beseech you then take restitution Of paines and bounty which you haue disburst For your poore debter . Phys. You will not offer it : Doe not esteeme my loue so mercenary , To be the hyre of coyne ? Sure , I shall thinke You doe not hold so worthily of me As I wish to deserue . Iane . Not recompence ! Then you will begger me with too much credit , If not sufficient , you preserue my name , Which I had forfeyted to shame and scorne : Couer my vices with a vaile of loue , Defend and keepe me from a fathers rage , Whose loue yet infinite ( not knowing this ) Might ( knowing ) turne a hate as infinite : Sure he would throw me euer from his blessings , And cast his curses on me : yes , further , Your secresie keepes me in the state of woman : For else what husband would chuse me his wife : Knowing the honour of a Bride were lost . I cannot number halfe the good you doe me , In the concealde retention of my sinne , Then make me not worse then I was before . In my ingratitude , good sir . Phys. Agen . I shall repent my loue ( if you 'le so call 't ) To be made such a Hackney , giue me coyne ? I had as leaue you gaue me poyson ( Lady ) For I haue Art and Antidotes gain'st that , I might take that , but this I will refuse . Ian. Well you then teach me how I may requite you , In some small quantity . Phys. 'T was that I look't for . Aside . Yes , I will tell you Lady a full quittance , And how you may become my Creditresse . Iane . I beseech you do sir . Phys. Indeed I will Lady , Not in coyne , Mistris , for siluer though white , Yet it drawes blacke lines : It shall not rule my palme There to marke forth his base corruption : Pay me agen in the same quality That I to you tendred , that s loue for loue : Can you loue me Lady ? you haue confest My loue to you . Iane . Most amply . Phy. Why faith then , Pay me backe that way . Iane . How do you meane , sir ? Phys. Tush , our meanings are better vnderstood Then shifted to the tongue , it brings along A little blabbing bloud into our cheekes , That shames vs when we speake . Iane . I vnderstand you not . Phy. Fie , you doe , make not your selfe ignorant In what you know , you haue tane forth the lesson That I would read to you . Iane . Sure then I need not , Reade it agen , sir . Phy. Yes , it makes perfect , You know the way vnto Achillis speare , If that hurt you , I haue the cure you see . Ian. Come , y' are a good man , I do perceiue you : You put a tryall to me , I thanke you , Y' are my iust Confessor , and beleeue me , I 'le haue no further penance for this sinne , Conuert a yeare vnto a lasting euer , And call 't Apollo's smile , 't was onces then neuer . Phy. Pray you mistake me not , indeed I loue you . Iane . Indeed , what deed ? Phy. The deed that you haue done . Iane . I cannot belieue you . Phy. Belieue the deed then . Iane . Away , y' are a Blackamore , you loue me ? I hate you for your loue : Are you the man That in your painted outside seem'd so white ? Oh , y' are a soule dissembling Hypocrite , You sau'd me from a thiefe that your selfe might rob me , Skin'd 'ore a greene wound to breed an vlcer . Is this the practise of your Physicke Colledge ? Phys. Haue you yet vtter'd all your nicenesse forth ? If you haue more , vent it , certes I thinke Your first grant was not yeelded with lesse paine , If 't were , you haue your prise , yeeld it againe . Iane . Pray you , tell me sir , ( I ask't it before ) Is it a practise 'mongst you Physitians . Phy. Tush , that s a secret , We cast al waters . Should I reueale , you would mistrust my counsell : The Lawyer and Physitian here agrees To women Clients they giue backe their fees , And is not that kindnesse ? Iane . This for thy loue , Spits , Out , outside of a man : thou Cynamon tree , That but thy bark hast nothing good about thee The Vnicorne is hunted for his horne , The rest is left for carion : Thou false man . Tha 'st fisht with siluer hookes and golden baites : But I 'le auoyde all thy deceiuing sleights . Phys. Doe what you lift , I will do somthing too : Remember yet what I haue done for you , Y 'aue a good face now , but 't will grow rugged . Ere you grow old : old men will despise you : Think on your Grandam Helen the fairest Queen When in a new glasse she spyed her old face : Shee ( smiling ) wept to thinke vpon the change , Take your time , y' are craz'd , y' are an apple falne From the tree , if you be kept long , you 'le rot . Study your answere well , yet I loue you . If you refuse I haue a hand aboue . Exit Phys. Iane . Poyson thy selfe , thou soule Empoysoner : Of thine owne practique drinke the Theorie . What , a White Diuill haue I met withall ? What shall I doe ? What do ? i' st a question ? Nor shame , nor hate , nor feare , nor lust , nor force ( Now being too bad ) shall euer make mee worse , Enter Anne . What haue we here ? a second spirit . Anne . Mistresse , I am sent to you . Iane . Is your message good ? Anne . As you receyue it , my brother sent me , And you know he loues you . Iane , I heard say so ; But 't was a false report . Anne . Pray , pardon me , I must doe my message , Who liues ( commanded ) must obey his Keeper . I must perswade you to this act of woman . Iane . Woman ! of Strumpet Anne . Indeed of Strumpet , He takes you at aduantage of your fall , Seeing you downe before . Iane . Curse on his fained smiles . An. Hee 's my brother Mistresse , & a curse on you If ere you blesse him with that cursed deede , Hang him , poyson him , he held out a Rose , To draw the yeelding sence , which come to hand He shifts , and giues a canker . Iane . You speake well yet . Ann. I , but Mistresse , now I consider it , Your reputation lyes at his mercy , Your fault dwels in his brest , say , he throw it out , It will be knowne , how are you then vndone ? Thinke on 't , your good name , and they are not to be solde , In euery market , a good name's deare , And indeed more esteemed then our actions , By which wee should deserue it . Iane . Aye me most wretched . Anne . What ? doe you shrinke at that ? Would you not weare one spot vpon your face , To keepe your whole body from a leprosie , Though it were vndiscouerd euer , hang him , Feare him not . Horseleeches sucke out his corrupt bloud , Draw you none from him , lesse it be pure and good . Iane . Do you speake your soule ? Anne . By my soule doe I . Iane . Then yet I haue a friend ; but thus exhort me , And I haue still a collumbe to support me . Anne . One fault Heauen soone forgiues , and t is on earth forgot , The Moone her selfe is not without one spot . Exeunt . Enter the Lady Ager , meeting one of her seruants . Lady . Now sir , where is he ? speake , why comes he not ? I sent you for him ; blesse this fellowes sences : What has he seene ? a soule nine houres entrancst , Houering twixt hell and heauen , could not wake gastlier , Enter Seruant . Not yet returne an answere ? What say you sir ? Where is he ? 2. Ser. Gon ? Lady . What sayst thou ? 2. Ser. He is gone Madame . But as we heard , vnwillingly hee went As euer bloud enforc't . La. Went , whether went he ? 2 Ser. Madam , I feare , I ha said too much already . La. These men are both agreed , speake , whether went he ? 2. Se. Why to — I would you 'd thinke the rest your selfe Madame . Lady . Meeke Patience blesse me . 2. Ser. To the field . 1. Ser. To fight , Madame . Lady . To fight ! 1. Ser. There came two vrging Gentlemen , That cal'd themselues his seconds , both so powerfull , As t is reported they preuailde with him , With little labour . La. O hee s lost , hee s gone , For all my paines , hee 's gone ; two meeting torrents Are not so mercilesse as their two rages , Hee neuer comes agen , — wretched affection . Haue I belied my faith ? iniur'd my goodnes ? Slaunderd my honour for his praeseruation ? Hauing but onely him : and yet no happier . T is then a iudgment plaine , truths angrie with mee , In that I would abuse her sacred whitenesse , For any wordly temporall respect : Forgiue me then thou glorious womans vertue , Admir'd where ere thy habitation is , Especially in vs weake ones : Oh forgiue mee . For t is thy vengeance this , to belie truth , Which is so hardly ours , with such paine purchas'd Fastings , and praiers , continence and care , Misery must needs ensue : Let him not dye In that vnchast beliefe of his false birth , And my disgrace : What euer Angell guides him , May this request be with my teares obtaind , Let his soule know , my honour is vnstaind , Runne , seeke , away , if there be any hope , Exeunt Seru. Let me not loose him yet ; when I thinke on him , His deerenes , and his worth , it earnes me more , They that know riches tremble to be poore . My passion is not euery womans sorrow , She must be truly honest feeles my greefe , And onely knowne to One , if such there bee , They know the sorrow that oppresseth mee . Exit .

Actus quartus , Scaena prima . Enter the Colonels Second .. Vsher &c. with Chaugh and Trim. Second .

Truth sir , I must needs blame you for a Trewant , hauing but one lesson read to you and neglect so soone : fye , I must see you once a day at least .

Chaugh .

Would I were whipt Tutor if it were not long of my man Trimtram here .

Trim.

Who , of mee ?

Cha.

Tak 't vpon the Trim . I le giue the fiue shillings , ' as I am a Gentleman .

Trim.

I le see you whipt first : well , I will too ; faith sir , I saw he was not perfect , and I was loth he should come before to shame himselfe .

Sec.

How ? shame sir ? is it a shame for Schollers to learne ? Sir , there are great Schollers that are but slenderly read in our profession : sir , first it must be Oeconomicall , the Oecumenicall : shame not to practise in the house how to performe in the field : the naile that is driuen takes a little hould at the first stroke , but more at the second , and more at the third , but when t is home to the head , then t is firme .

Chau.

Faith I haue bene driuing it home to the head this two dayes .

Trim.

I helpt to hammer it in as well as I could too sir .

Sec.

Well sir , I will heare you rehearse anon , meane time peruse the exemplary of my bills , and tell me in what language I shall rore a Lecture to you ; or i le read to you the Mathematicall science of Roaring .

Cha.

Is it Mathematicall ?

Sec.

Oh sir , does not the windes roare ? the Sea roare ? the Welkin roare ? indeed , most thinges doe roare by nature , and is not the knowledge of these thinges Mathematicall ?

Cha.

Pray prooceed sir . reads his bill

Sec.

The names of the languages , the Sclanonian , Parthamenian , Barmeothian , Tiburnian , Wappinganian , or the moderne Londonian . Any man or woman that is desirous to roare in any of these languages , in a weeke they shall be perfect , if they will take paines ; so let 'um repaire into Holborne to the signe of the Cheat loafe .

Chau.

Now your bill speakes of that , I was wondring a good while at your signe , the loafe lookes very like bread ifaith , but why is it called the cheate loafe ?

Second .

This house was sometimes a Bakers sir , that serued the Court where the bread is called cheate .

Trim.

I , I , t was a Baker that cheated the Court with bread .

Sec.

Well sir , choose your languages : and your Lectures shal be read , betweene my Vsher and my selfe , for your better instruction , prouided your conditions be performed in the premisses beforesaid .

Chau.

Looke you sir , there s twenty pound in hand , and twenty more , I am to pay when I am allowed a sufficient Roarer .

Sec.

You speake in good earnest sir .

Chau.

Yes faith doe I Trimtram shall be my witnes .

Trim.

Yes indeed sir , twenty pound is very good earnest .

Vsher.

Sir one thing I must tell you belongs to my place , you are the youngest Scholler , and till another comes vnder you , there is a certaine garnish belongs to the Schoole , for in our practise we grow to a quarrell : then there must be wine ready to make all friends , for that s the end of Roaring , 't is valiant but harmelesse , and this charge is yours .

Chau.

With all my heart ifaith and I like it the better : because no blood comes on it , who shall fetch ?

2. Roar .

I le be your Spanniell sir .

Sec.

Bid Vapor , bring some Tobacco too ,

Chau.

Doe and heere 's mony for 't . Exit 2. Roarer .

Vsher.

No , you shall not , let me see the mony : so , I le keepe it , and discharge him after the Combat , for your practise sake you and your man shall roare him out on 't , ( for indeed you must pay your debts so : for that s one of the maine ends of Roaring ) and when you haue left him in a chafe , then I le qualifie the Rascall .

Chau.

Content ifaith Trim . wee le Roare the rusty Rascall out of his Tobacco .

Trim.

I and he had the best Craccus in London .

Sec.

Obserue Sir , wee could now roare in the Slauonian Language , but this practise hath beene a little sublime : some hayres breadth or so aboue your Caput ; I take it for your vse and vnderstanding both it were fitter for you to tast the moderne assault , only the Londonian Roare .

Chau.

Ifaith sir , that 's for my purpose , for I shall vse all my roaring heere in London : in Cornewall wee are all for wrastling , and I doe not meane to trauell ouer sea to roare there .

Sec.

Obserue then sir , but it were necessary you took forth your tables , to note the most difficult poynts for the better assistance of your memory .

Chau.

Nay sir , my man and I keep two Tables .

Trim.

I sir , and as many trenchers , cattes meat and dogges meate enough .

Sec.

Note sir , — Dost thou confront my Cyclops ?

Vsh.

With a Briarean Brousted :

Chau.

Cyclops .

Trim.

Briarean .

Sec.

I know thee and thy lineall pedegree ,

Vsher.

It is Collateral : as Brutus and Posthumus .

Trim.

Brutus .

Chau.

Posthumus .

Sec.

False as the face of Heccate ; thy sister is a —

Vsh.

What is my Sister Centaure ?

Seco.

I say thy Sister is a Bronstrops .

Vsh:

A Bronstrops !

Chau.

Tutor , Tutor , ere you goe any further , tell mee the English of that , what is a Bronsterops pray .

Se.

A Bronsterops is in English a Hippocrene .

Chau.

A Hippocrene , note it Trim . I loue to vnderstand the English as I goe .

Trim.

What s the English of Hippierene .

Chau.

Why Bronsterops ?

Vsh:

Thou dost obtrect my flesh and blood ,

Sec.

Agen , I denounce , thy sister is a fructifer ,

Chau.

What 's that Tutor ?

Sec.

That is in English a Fucus or a Minotaure .

Chau.

A Minotaure :

Chau.

A Fucus .

Vsh.

I say thy mother is a Callieut , a Panagron , a Duplar and a Sindicus .

Sec.

Dislocate thy Bladud .

Vsh.

Bladud shall coniure , if his Daemons once appeare ,

Enter 2. Roarer with Wine , and Vapor with Tobacco . Sec.

Aduance thy respondency .

Chau.

Nay good gentleman , doe not fall out , a cup of wine quickly Trimtram .

Vsh:

See my steele hath a glister ,

Chau.

Pray wipe him , and put him vp againe good Vsher .

Vsh.

Sir at your request I pull downe the Flag of defiance .

Sec.

Giue me a boule of Wine my fury shall bee quencht , heere Vsher .

Vsh.

I pledge thee in good friendship .

Chau.

I like the conclusion of Roaring very well ifaith .

Trim.

It has an excellent conclusion indeed , if the Wine be good , alwayes prouided .

Seco.

O the wine must be alwayes prouided be sure of that .

Vsh.

Else you spoyle the conclusion , and that you know crownes all .

Chau.

T is much like wrestling ifaith : for wee shake hands ere we begin : now that s to avoid the Law , for then if hee throw him a furlong into the grownd , hee cannot recouer himselfe vpon him , because t was done in cold friendship .

Seco.

I beleeue you sir .

Chau.

And then we drinke afterwards , iust in this fashion , wrestling and Roaring are as like as can bee ifaith , euen like long sword and halfe pike .

Sec.

Nay they are reciprocall if you marke it , for as there is a great Roaring at Wrestling : so there is a kinde of wrestling and contention at Roaring .

Chau.

True ifaith , for I haue heard 'um roare from the sixe windmilles to Islington : those haue beene great falls then .

Ser.

Come , now a briefe rehersall of your other dayes lesson , betwixt your man and you , and then for to day wee break vp schoole .

Chau.

Come , Trimtram ; if I be our Tutor , I le be bold to looke in my tables , because I doubt I am scarse perfect .

Ser.

Well , well , I will not see small faults

Chau.

The wall ,

Trim.

The wall of mee , to thy kennell spannell ,

Chau.

Wilt thou not yeeld precedencie ?

Trim.

To thee , I know thee and thy broode

Chau.

Knowst thou my brood , I know thy broode to , thou art a Rooke ;

Trim.

The nearer a kinne to the Chaughes ?

Chau.

The Rookes a kin to the Chaughis ?

Ser.

Verie well maintain'd ,

Chau.

Dungcoer , thou liest ,

Trim.

Lie , enucleate the kernell of thy scabberd ,

Chau.

Now if I durst draw my sword , t were valiant yfaith :

Seco.

Draw , draw , howsoeuer ,

Chau.

Haue some wine readie to make vs frends I pray you ,

Trim.

Chaugh , I will make thee flie and roare ,

Chau.

I will roare if thou strik'st me ,

Seco.

So t is ynoughe now conclude in wine , I see you will proue an excelent practitioner : wondrous well perform'd on both sides :

Chau.

Heere Trimtram I drinke to thee ,

Trim. I 'le pledge in good friendship , Enter a Seruant . Is there not one Maister Chaugh heere , Vsh.

This is the Gentleman sir ;

Seru.

My maister , sir , your elected father in law , desires speedyly to speake with you :

Chau.

Friend I will follow thee , I would thou hadst come a little soner , thou shouldest haue seene Roring sport yfaith ,

Seru.

Sir I le returne that you are following , Exit seruant

Chau.

Doe so : I le tell thee Tutor , I am to marry shortly , but I will deferre it a while till I can roare perfectly , that I may get the vpper hand of my wife on the wedding day , 't must be done at first or neuer .

Sec.

'T will serue you to good vse in that sir .

Cha.

How lik'st thou this Whister ?

Vap.

very valiantly ifaith sir ,

Cha.

Tush , thou shalt see more by and by .

Va.

I can stay no longer indeed sir , who paies mee for my Tobocco ?

Cha.

How , pay for Tobacco , away ye sootie mouth'd piper : you rustie piece of Martlemas bacon , away .

Trim.

Let me giue him a Marke for 't .

Chau.

No Trimtram , doe not strike him , wee le onely roare out a curse vpon him .

Trim.

Well , doe you begin then ,

Chau.

May thy Roule rot , and thy pudding drop in pieces , being sophisticated with filthy vrine .

Trim.

May Serieants dwell on either side of thee , to fright away thy two penny customers .

Cha.

And for thy penny ones , let them sucke thee drie .

Trim.

When thou art dead , maist thou haue no other sheets to be buried in but mouldie Tobacco leaues .

Cha.

And no strawings to sticke thy Carkas , but the bitter stalkes .

Trim.

Thy mourners , all greazie Tapsters ,

Cha.

With foule Tobacco pipes in their hats in stead of rotten Rose mary : and last of all may my man and I liue to see all this perform'd and , to pisse reeking euen vpon thy graue

Trim.

And last of all for mee , let this Epitaph bee remembred ouer thee .

Here coldly now within is laid to rot , A man that yesterday was piping hot : Some sap he died by pudding , some by pricke , Others by role and ball some lease , all sticke Fast in censure , yet thinke it strange and rare , ( He liu'd by smoake , yet died for want of ayre ) But then the Surgeon said when he beheld him , It was the burning of his Pipe that kild him . Chau.

So , are you paid now whisler ?

Vap.

All this is but smoake out of a stinking Pipe ,

Chau.

So , so , pay him now Usher .

Sec:

Doe not henceforth neglect your schooling M. Chaugh .

Cha.

Call me Rooke if I doe Tutor .

Trim.

And me Rauen , though my name be Trimtram .

Cha.

Farewell Tutor .

Trim.

Farewell Vsher .

Sec.

Thus when the Drum 's vnbrast , and Trumpet cease , Soldiers must get pay for to liue in peace . Exeunt

Enter the Colonels Sister , meeting the Surgeon . Sist.

Oh my most worthy brother , thy hard fate 't was : Come hither honest Surgeon , and deale faithfully With a distressed Virgin : what hope is there ?

Surg.

Hope , Chillis was scapt miraculously Lady .

Sist.

What s that sir .

Surg Cava vena :

I care but little for his wound 'i th Orsophag , not thus much trust mee , but when they come to Diaphragma once , the small Intestines , or the Spynall Medull , or i' th Rootes of the Emunctories of the noble parts , then straight I feare a Syncops ; the flankes retyring towards the backe , the Vrine bloody , the Excrements purulent , and the Dolour pricking or pungent .

Sist.

Alasse I 'me nere the better for this answer .

Surg.

Now I must tell you his principal Dolour lies i' th region of the Liuer , and there s both inflamation and Turmafaction feard , marry I made him a Quadragular plumation , where I vsde Sanguis Draconis ; by my faith , with powders incarnatiue , which I temperd with oyle of Hypericon , and other liquors mundificatiue .

Sist.

Pox a your Mundies figatiues , I would they were all fired ,

Surg.

But I purpose Lady to make an other experiment at next dressing with a Sarcotricke medicament , made of Iris of Florence . Thus Masticke , Calaphena , Apopanax , Sacrocolla :

Sist.

Sacro-halter , what comfort is i'th is to a poore Gentlewoman ; pray tell me in plaine tearmes what you thinke of him ?

Sur.

Marry in plaine tearms I know not what to say to him , the wound I can assure you enclines to Paralisme ; and I find his body Cacochimicke : being then in feare of Feuer and inflamation , I nourish him altogeither with Viands refrigeratiue and giue for potion the iuyce of Sauicola , dissolu'd with water Cerefolium : I could doe noe more Lady , if his best Guiguimos were disseuered . Exit .

Sist. What thankelesse paines does the tongue often take , To make the whole man most ridiculous : I come to him for comfort , and he tyres me Worse then my sorrow , what a pretious good May be deliuered sweetly in few words : And what a mount of nothing ha's he cast forth . Alasse his strength decaies : how cheere you sir , My honourd Brother ? Colo. In soule neuer better . I feele an excellent health there , such a stoutnes , My inuisible enemy flies mee , seeing me armde With penitence and forgiuenes , they fall backward , Whether through admiration , not imagining There were such armory in a Souldiers soule , As pardon and repentance : or through power Of ghostly valour ? but I haue bene Lord Of a more happy conquest in nine howers now , Then in nine yeares before : Oh kinde Lieftenants This is the onely war we should prouide for , Where he that forgiues largest & sighes strongest , Is a tride Soldier , a true man in deed , And wins the best field , makes his owne heart bleed . Read the last part of that Will sir . 1 Liefetenant reads .

I also require at the hands of my most beloued Sister , whom I make full Executrix , the disposure of my body in buriall at S. Martins i' th field : and to cause to be distributed to the poore of the same parish , forty Marke , and to the Hospital of maymed Souldiers a hundred : lastly I giue and bequeath to my kinde , deare , and vertuous sister , the full possession of my present estate in riches , whether it be in Lands , Leases , Money , Goods , Plate , Iewels , or what kind soeuer , vpon this condition following , that shee forthwith , tender both her selfe and all these Infeoffments , to that noble Captaine my late Enemy Captaine Ager .

Sist. How sir ? Colo. Read it againe sir , let her heare it plaine . Sist. Pray spare your paines sir , t is too plaine already . Good sir , how doe you , is your memory perfect ? This Will makes question of you : I bestowde So much griefe and compassion a your wound , I neuer look't into your sences Epilepsie : The sickenes and infirmity of your iudgement Is to be doubted now , more then your bodies , Why is your loue no dearer to mee sir , Then to dispose me so vpon the man , Whose furie is your bodies present torment ? The Author of your danger : one I hate Beyond the bounds of malice , doe you not feele His wrath vpon you ? I beseech you sir , Alter that cruell article . Colo. Cruell sister ? ( forgiue me naturall loue ) I must offend thee , speaking to this woman , am I content , Hauing much kindred , yet to giue thee all , ( Because in thee I 'de raise my meanes to goodnesse ) And canst thou prooue so thanklesse to my bounty , To grudge my soule her peace ? is my intent To leaue her rich , whose onely desire is To send me poorer into the next world , Then euer Vsurer went , or politicke Statist ? Is it so burdensome for thee to loue Where I forgiue ? Oh wretched is the man That buildes the last hopes of his sauing comforts Vpon a womans charity ? hee s most miserable , If it were possible , her obstinate will Will pull him downe in his midway to heauen , I 'ue wrongd that worthy man past recompence , And in my anger robd him of faire fame : And thou the fairest restitution art My life could yeeld him : if I knewe a fairer , I 'de set thee by and thy vnwilling goodnes , And neuer make my sacred peace of thee : But there s the cruelty of a fate debard , Thou art the last , and all , and thou art hard . Sist. Let your grieu'd heart hold better thoughts of mee , I will not proue so sir , but since you enforce it , With such a strength of passion I le performe , What by your will you haue inioynd me to , Though the world neuer shew me ioy agen . Colo. Oh this may be faire cunning for the time , To put me off , knowing I hold not long , And when I looke to haue my ioyes accomplish't , I shall find no such things : that were vilde cosenage , And not to be repented . Sist. By all the blessednes , Truth and a good life lookes for , I will doo 'te sir , Colo. Comforts reward you for 't , when ere you grieue , I know if you dare sweare I may belieue . Exeunt Euter Captaine Ager . Cap. No sooner haue I entrance i'th is house now , But all my ioy falls from mee , which was wont To be the sanctuary of my comforts : Me thought I lou'd it with a reuerent gladnes , As holy men doe consecrated Temples For the Saints sake , which I belieu'd my mother , But prou'd a false faith since , a fearefull heresie , O who 'de erect th' assurance of his ioyes Vpon a womans goodnes ? whose best vertue , Is to commit vnseene , and highest secrecie , To hide but her owne sin , ther 's their perfection , And if shee be so good , which many faile of to , When these are bad , how wondrous Ill are they , What comfort I' st to fight , win this dayes fame , When all my after dayes , are lamps of shame , Enter the Lady Ager . Blessings bee firme to me , hee 's come t is hee , A surgeon speedily ; Cap. A surgion ? why maddam , Lady . Perhaps you 'le say t is but a little wound Good to preuent a Danger : quick , a surgeon , Cap. Why maddam , Lady . I , I , that s all the faust of valiant men , Thei le not be knowne a their hurts till thei 'r past helpe , And then to late they wish for 't : Cap. Will you heare mee . La. T is no disparagement to ' confesse a wound , I 'me glad sir t is no worse , a surgeon quickly , Capt. Maddam , Lady . Come , come sir , a woun'd 's Honorable , And neuer shames the wearer , Cap. By the Iustice I owe to honour , I came of vntouch't , Lady . I 'de rather beleeue that ; Cap. You beleeue truth so , Lady . My teares preuaile then , welcome , welcome sir , As peace and mercy to one new departed , Why would you goe though , and deceiue me so , When my aboundant loue tooke all the course That might be to preuent it , I did that , For my affections sake , goodnes forgiue me for 't , That were my owne lifes safety put vppon 't , I de rather dye then doo 't , thinke how you vsd me then , ' And yet would you goe , and hazard your selfe too , T was but vnkindly done . Capt. What s all this Madame ? Lady . See then how rash you were and short in wisedome , Why wrong my faith I did , slanderd my constancy , Belyed my truth , that which few Mothers will , Or fewer can , I did , out of true feare And louing care , onely to keep thee heere . Capt. I doubt I am too quick of apprehension , now And that 's a generall fault , when we heere ioyfully , With the desire of longing for t , I aske it : Why ? were you neuer false , Lady . May death come to me , Before Repentance then ? Capt. I heard it plaine sure , Not false at all ? Lady . By the reward of truth , I neuer knew that deed That claimes the name on 't . Capt. May then that glorious reward you swore by , Be neuer failing to you , all the blessings That you haue giuen me since obedient custome Taught me to kneel & aske 'um , are not valuable With this immaculate blessing of your truth : This is the Palme to victory . The Crowne for all deserts past , and to come , Let 'em be numberlesse , they are rewarded , Already they 'r rewarded : blesse this frame I feele it much too weake to beare the ioy on 't . Lady . Rise Sir , Capt. O pardon me — I cannot honor you too much , too long , I kneele not onely to a Mother now , But to a woman that was neuer false , Yeare deare , and yeare good too : I thinke a that , What reuerence doe's she merit t is fit such Should be distinguisht from the prostrate sexe , And what distinction properer can be showne , Then honor done to her that keepes her owne , Lady . Come sir , I le haue you rise , Capt. To doe a deed then , rises . That shall for euer raise me : O my glory , Why this , this is the quarrell that I lookt for , The tother but a shift to hold time play , You sacred ministers of preseruation , For Heauens sake send him life , And with it mighty health , and such a strength , May equal but the cause , I wish no foule things , If life but glow in him he shall know instantly That I 'me resolud to call him to accompt for 't . Lady . Why harke you sir , Cap. I bind you by your honor , Madame , You speake no hindernce too 't , Take heed , you ought not Lady . What an vnhappines haue I in goodnes , 'T is euer my desire to intend well But haue no fortunate way in 't , for all this deserue I yet no better of you : but to be greeud agen ? Are you not well with honest gaine of fame , With safety purchasd , will you needs tempt a ruine , That auoyds you ? Exit Lady . Capt. No y 'aue preuaild : things of this nature sprung , When they vse action must vse little tongue . Now sir , the newes ? Enter a Seruant . Ser. Sir there s a gentlewoman , Desires some conference with you . Capt. How , with me ? A Gentlewoman ? what is she ? Seru. Her attendant Deliuered her to be the Colonels Sister . Capt. Oh for a storme then , 'Lasse poore vertuous Gentlewoman , I wil indure her violence with much pitty , She comes to ease her heart good noble soule , T is ee'ne a charity to release the burden , Were , not that remedy ordaind for weomen , Their hearts would neuer hold three yeares together , And heere she comes , I neuer markt so much of her , Enter the Colonels Sister . That face can be the mistris of no anger But I might very wel indure a month me thinks , I am the man speake Lady , I le stand faire . Sist. And I me enioynd by vow to fall thus low , She kneeles . And from the dying hand of a repentant Offer for expiation of wrongs done you , My selfe , and with my selfe all that was his , Which vpon that condition was made mine , Being his soules wish to depart absolute man , In life a soldier death a Christian . Capt. Oh Heauen has toucht him nobly , how it shames My vertues slow perfection : rise deere brightnes , I forget manners too , vp matchlesse sweetnesse , Sist. I must not sir , there is not in my vow That liberty , I must be receiu'd first , Or all denyed , if either , I am free , Cap. He must be without soule should deny thee , And with that reuerence I receiue the guift , As it was sent me , worthy Colonel , Has such a conquering way i' th blest things , Who euer ouercomes , he only wins . Exit . Hem , within . Enter Captaine Albo , a Baud and a Whore . Bau.

Harke of these hard-hearted Blood-hounds : these Butchers are ee'ne as mercilesse as their Dogs , they knocke downe a Womans fame , ee'ne as it walkes the Streetes by 'um .

Whor.

And the Captaine heere that should defend vs , walkes by like Iohn of the Apple loft .

Capt.

What for interiections Prisse ? Hem , Euax , Vah : let the Carnisexes scoure their throates : thou knowest there is a curse hangs ouer their bloudy heads , this yeare there shall be more Butchers Pricks burnt then of all trades besides .

Bau.

I doe wonder how thou camest to be a Captaine .

Cap.

As thou camest to be a Baud Meg , and Prisse to be a whore , euery one by their deserts .

Bau.

Baud , and Whore ? out you vnprofitable raskall , hast not thou beene at the new Play yet , to teach thee better manners : truely they say they are the finest Players , and good speakers of Gentle-women of our quality ; Baud and Whore is not mention'd amongst 'um , but the handsomest narrow-mouth'd names they haue for vs , that some of them may serue as well for a Lady , as for one of our occupation .

Who.

Prethee Patronesse , le ts goe see a peece of that Play : if we shall haue good words for our mony , t is as much as we can deserue ifaith .

Bau.

I doubt 't is too late now , but another time Seruant .

Cap.

Let 's goe now sweet face I am acquainted with one of the Pantomimicks , the Bulchins will vse the Irish Captaine with respect , and you two shall bee boxt amongst the better sort .

Who.

Sirra Captaine Albo , I doubt you are but white-liuer'd , looke that you defend vs valiantly , you know your pennance else : Patronesse , you remember how you vs'd him once ?

Bau.

I seruant , and I shall neuer forget it , till I vse him so agen : doe you remember Captaine ?

Cap.

Mum Meg , I will not heare on 't now .

Bau.

How I and my Amazons stript you as naked as an Indian .

Cap.

Why Meg ?

Bau.

And then how I bound you to the good behauiour , in the open fields .

Who.

And then you strow'd oates vpon his hoppers .

Cap.

Prethee sweet face .

Who.

And then brought your Ducks to nibble vpon , him you remember ?

Cap.

Oh , the remembrance tortures me agen , no more good sweet face .

Bau.

Well , lead on Sir : but harke a little .

Enter Chaugh and Trim. Chau.

Didst thou bargaine for the bladders with the Butcher Trim ?

Trim.

I sir , I haue 'um heere , I 'le practise to swim too sir , and then I may roare with the water at London bridge , he that roares by land and by water both , is the the perfect Roarer .

Chau.

Well I le venter to swim too : if my father in Law giues me a good dowry with his daughter , I shall hold vp my head well enough .

Trim.

Peace , sir , heere 's practise for our roaring , heer 's a Centaure , and two Hippocrenes .

Chau.

Offer the iustle Trim . Iustle :

Cap.

Ha ? What meanest thou by that ?

Trim.

I meane to confront thee , Cyclops .

Chau.

I le tell thee what a meanes , is this thy Sister ?

Cap.

How then sir ?

Chau.

Why then I say shee is a Bronsterops : and this is a Fucus .

Who.

No indeed sir , we are both Fucusses .

Cap.

Art thou military ? art thou a Soldier ?

Chau.

A Soldier , no I scorne to be so poore , I am a Roarer .

Cap.

A Roarer ?

Trim.

I sir , two Roarers .

Ca.

Know then my fresh water friends , that I am a Capten .

Chau.

What , and haue but two to serue vnder you ?

Cap.

I am now retiring the field .

Trim.

You may see that by his Bag and Baggage .

Chau.

Deliuer vp thy Panagron to me .

Trim.

And giue me thy Sindicus .

Cap.

Deliuer ?

Bau.

I pray you Captaine bee contented , the Gentlemen seeme to giue vs very good wordes .

Chau.

Good words ? I if you could vnderstand 'um , the words cost twenty pound .

Bau.

What is your pleasure Gentlemen ?

Chau.

I would enucleate my Fructifer .

Who.

What sayes he Patronesse ?

Bau.

He would enoculate : I vnderstand the Gentleman very pithily .

Cap.

Speake , are you Gentile or Plebeyan , can you giue Armes ?

Chau.

Armes ? I sir , you shall feele our armes presently .

Trim.

Sault you the Women , I le pepper him til he stinks agen : I perceiue what Country-man hee is , let mee alone with him .

Cap.

Dar'st thou charge a Captaine ?

Trim.

Yes , and discharge vpon him too .

Cap.

Foh , t is poyson to my Country , the slaue has eaten pippins : Oh shoote no more , turne both thy Broad-sides rather then thy Poope : 't is foule play : my Country breeds no poyson : I yeelde , the great O Toole shall yeeld on these condicions .

Chau.

I haue giuen one of 'um a faire fall Trim .

Trim.

Then thus farre wee bring home Conquest : follow me Captaine , the Cyclops doth command .

Chau.

Follow mee Tweaks , the Centaure doth command .

Bau.

Any thing sweet Gentlemen , wilt please you to lead to the Tauerne , where wee le make all friends .

Trim.

Why now you come to the conclusion .

Chau.

Stay , Trim ; I haue heard your Tweakes are like your Mer maydes , they haue sweet voyces to entice the passengers : le ts haue a Song , and then wee le set 'um at liberty .

Trim. In the commendation of Roaring , not else Sir , Chau. I , in the commendation of Roaring , Bau. The best we can Gentlemen . Sing Baud . THen heere thou shalt resigne Both Captaine and Commander , That name was neuer thine , But Apple-Squire and Pander . And henceforth will wee grant , In pillage or in monies , In cloathing or prouant , What ere wee get by Conies : With a hone , a hone , a hone , No Cheaters nor Decoyes , Shall haue a share , but alone The brauest Roaring Boyes . What are we get by Gulls , Of Country or of Citty : Old Flatcaps or young Heyres , Or Lawyers Clarkes so witty : By Saylers newly landed , To put in for fresh waters : By wandring Gander-mooners : Or mufled late night-walkers . With a , &c. What are we get by Strangers , The Scotch , the Dutch , or Irish : Or to come nearer home , By Maisters of the Parish . It is concluded thus , By all and euery wench , To take of all their coynes , And pay 'um backe in French . With a , &c. Ch. Melodious Minotaure . Tr. Harmonious Hippocrene . Ch. Sweet-brested Bronsterops . Tr. Most runable Tweake . Chau. Delicious Duplar . Trim. Putrefactious Panagron . Ch. Calumnious Calieut . Tr. And most singular Sindicus . Bau.

We shall neuer be able to deserue these good words at your hands Gentlemen .

Cap.

Shake golls with the Captaine , hee shall be thy valiant friend .

Chau.

Not yet Captaine , wee must make an end of our Roaring first .

Trim.

Wee 'le serue 'um as we did the Tobacco-man : lay a curse vpon 'um , marry wee 'le lay it on gently , because they haue vsed vs so kindly , and then wee 'le shake gols together .

Who.

As gently as you can , sweet Gentlemen .

Ch.

For thee , Oh Pander : maist thou trudge till the damn'd soles of thy boots fleet into durt , but neuer rise into Ayre .

Trim.

Next , maist thou fleet so long from place to place , till thou beest kickt out of Fleetstreet .

Chau.

As thou hast liued by bad flesh , so rotten mutton be thy bane .

Trim.

When thou art dead , may twenty whores follow thee , that thou maist goe a Squire to thy graue .

Cap.

Enough for me sweet faces , let me sleepe in my graue .

Ch.

For thee old Sindicus , may I see thee ride in a Caroch with two wheeles , and drawne with one horse .

Trim.

Ten Beadles running by , in stead of foot-men .

Cha.

With euery one a whip , steed of an Irish dart .

Trim.

Forty Barbers Basons sounding before in steed of Trumpets .

Bau.

This will be comly indeed sweet Gentlemen Roarers .

Trim.

Thy Russe starch't yellow with rotten Egges .

Chau.

And maist thou then be drawne from Holborne , to Hounslow-Heath .

Trim.

And then be burnt to Colebrooke for destroying of Maydenhead .

Bau.

I will study to deserue this kindnesse at your hands Gentlemen .

Chau.

Now for thee little Fucus , Maist thou first serue out thy time as a Tweake , and then become a Bronstrops as she is .

Trim.

Maist thou haue a reasonable good Spring , for thou art like to haue many dangerous soule falls .

Chau.

Maist thou haue two Ruffes torne in one weeke .

Trim.

May Spiders onely weaue thy Cobweb-lawne :

Chau.

Maist thou set vp in Rogue Lane .

Trim.

Liue till thou stink'st in Garden-Allyes .

Chau.

And die sweetly in Tower-Ditch .

Who.

I thanke you for that good sir Roarer .

Ch.

Come , shall we goe now Trim , my father in law stayes for me all this while .

Trim.

Nay , I 'le serue 'um as wee did the Tobacco-man : I le burie 'um altogether , and giue 'um an Epitaph .

Chaugh .

All together Trim , why then the Epitaph will be accessary to the sinne : alas , he has kept the doore all his life time , for pity let 'um lye together in their graues .

Ca.

Eene as thou wilt Trim , and I thank you too sir .

Trim. He that the reason would know , let him harke , Why these two were buried neere Maribone Parke : These three were a Pander , a Band , and a Whore , That suckt many dry to the bones before . Well you know how they liu'd ? heer 't may be red , The low Countries did euer finde 'um bred , They liu'd by Flushing , by Sluce , and the Greyne , Sickened in France , and dyed vnder the Line . Three letters at last commended 'um hither , But the hangman broke one in putting together . P. was the first , who cryes out for a Pardon , O. craues his booke , yet could not read such a hard one , An X. was the last , which in coniunction Was broke by Brandon , and heere 's the conclusion . By three trees , three letters ; these three , Pander , Band , Whore : Now stinke below ground , stunke long aboue before . Chau.

So , now we haue done with you , remember Roaring Boyes .

Trim.

Farewell Centaure .

Chau.

Farewell Bronsterops .

Trim.

Farewell Fucus .

Exeunt Chaugh and Trim. Cap.

Well Meg : I will learne to Roare , and still maintaine the name of Captaine ouer these Launcepresadoes .

Bau.

If thou do'st not , maist thou bee buried vnder the Roaring curse . Exeunt .

Actus Quintus , Scaena prima . Enter Phisition : Iane as a Bride . Phis.

Will you be obstinate ?

Iane . Torment me not , Thou lingring Executioner to death , Greatest disease to Nature , that striu'st by Art To make men long a dying , your practise is Vpon mens bodyes , as men pull Roses , For their owne relish , but to kill the flower So you maintaine your liues by others deaths , What eat you then by carrion ? Phis. Fie bitternes , Ye 'ad need to candy ore your tongue a little , Your wordes will hardly be digested els , Iane . You can giue your selfe a vomit to returne 'um , If they offend your stomacke , Phis. Heere my vow You are to be married to day . Iane . A second torment , Worse then the first , cause vnauoydable , I would I could as soone annihilate My Fathers will in that as forbid thy lust . Phis. If you then tender an vnwilling hand , Meet it with reuenge , marry a Cuckolde . Iane If thou wilt marry me , I le make that vow , And giue my body for satisfaction To him that should enioy me for his wife . Phis. Go to , I le marre your marriage . Iane Doe , plague me so . I le rather beare the brand of all that s past , In Capitall Characters vpon my Brow , Then thinke to be thy whore or marry him , Phis. I will defame thee euer . Iane Spare me not . Phis. I will produce thy Bastard , Bring thee to publike pennance , Iane No matter , I care not , I shall haue a cleane sheet , I le weare twenty Rather then one defil'd with thee . Phis. Looke for Reuenge . Iane . Pursue it fully then , out of his hate , I shall pursue ( I hope ) a loathed fate . Exit Iane Phis. Am I reiected , all my baites nibled off , And not the fish caught ? I le trouble the whole streame , And choake it in the mudde , since hookes not take , I le throw in nets that shall or kill or breake . This is the Bridegroomes man , harke sir , a word . Enter Trimtram with Rosemarie . Trim. 'T is a busie day sir , nor I need no phisicke , You see I scoure about my busines . Phis.

Pray you a word sir , your Maister is to bee married to day .

Trim. Else all this Rosemaries lost . Phis. I would speake with your maister sir . Trim.

My Maister sir , is to bee married this morning and cannot be within while soone at night .

Phy. If you will doe your maister the best seruice , That ere you did him , if he shall not curse Your negligence hereafter slacking it : If he shall blesse mee for the dearest friend That euer his acquaintance met withall , Let me speake with him ere he goe to Church . Trim.

A right Phisition , you would haue none goe to the Church , nor Churchyard till you send them thither ; well , if death doe not spare you your selues , hee deales hardly with you , for you are better benefactors and send more to him then all diseases besides .

Chau. within .

What Trimtram , Trimtram ?

Trim.

I come sir . Harke you , you may heare him , hee 's vpon the spur and would faine mount the saddle of Matrimony , but ( if I can ) I le perswade him to come to you . Exit Trim

Phy. Pray you doe sir : I le teach all peeuish nicenes To beware the strong aduantage of reuenge . Enter Chaugh . Chau. Who 's that would speake with me ? Phy. None but a friend sir . I would speake with you . Chau.

Why sir , and I dare speake with any man vnder the vniuerse , can you roare sir ?

Phy. No infaith sir . I come to tell you mildelie for your good , If you please to heare me : you are vpon Marriages Chau

No sir , I an towards it , but not vpon it yet .

Phy.

Doe you know what you doe ?

Chau.

Yes sir , I haue practis'd what to doe before now , I would be asham'd to be married else : I haue seen a Bronstrops in my time , and a Hippocreene , and a Tweke too .

Phy.

Take fayre heede sir , the wife that you would marry is not fit for you .

Cha.

Why sir , haue you tried her ?

Phy.

Not I beleeue it sir , but belieue with all , Shee has beene tryed .

Chau.

Why sir , is she a Fructifer ? or a Fucus ?

Phi.

All that I speake sir , is in loue to you , Your Bride , that may be , ' has not that portion that a Bride should haue .

Chau.

Why sir ? she has a thousand and a better penny .

Phy.

I doe not speake of rubish , drosse , and ore , But the refined Mettle , Honour sir .

Chau.

What she wants in honour shall be made vp in worship sir , money will purchase both .

Phy,

To be plaine with you , she 's naught . drawes his sword

Chau.

If thou canst not roare th' art a dead man , my Bride naught ?

Phy.

Sir , I doe not feare you that way , what I speake , My life shall mainetaine , I say shee 's naught .

Chau.

Dost thou not feare me ?

Phy.

Indeed I doe not sir .

Chau.

I le neuer draw vpon the while I liue for that tricke , put vp and speake freely .

Phy. Your intended Bride is a whore , that s freely sir , Chau.

Yes saith , a whor 's free enough , and she hath a conscience : is she a whore ? Foote I warrant shee has the Poxe then ?

Phy. Worse , the Plague , 't is more incurable , Chau. A plaguie whore ? a pox on her I le none of her , Phy. Mine accusation shall haue firme euidence . I will produce an vnauoided witnes , A bastard of her bearing . Chau ,

A Bastard ? ' snailes , ther 's great suspition shee 's a whore then , I le wrastle a fall with her father for putting this tricke vpon me as I am a Gentleman .

Phy. Good sir mistake me not , I doe not speake To breake the contract of vnited hearts , I will not pull that curse vpon my head , To separate the husband and the wife , But this ( in loue ) I thought fit to reueale , ( As the due office betwixt man and man ) That you might not be ignorant of your ills , Consider now of my premonishment , As your selfe shall please . Chau.

I le burne all the Rose mary to sweeten the house , for in my conscience t is infected : has she drunke Bastard ? if she would pisse me wine Viniger now nine times a day I 'de neuer haue her , and I thanke you too .

Enter Trimtram Trim.

Come , will you come away sir , they haue all Rosemary and stay for you to lead the way .

Chau.

I le not be married to day Trimtram , has 't ere an Almanacke about thee ? this is the nintenth of August , looke what day of the month 't is . Lookes in an Almanacke .

Trim. 'T is tenty nine indeed sir . Chau. What 's the word ? what sayes Bretnor ? Trim. The word is sir , there s a hole in her coate . Chau.

I thought so , the Physition agrees with him , I le not marry to day .

Trim.

I pray you sir , there will be charges for new Rosemary else , this will be wither'd by to morrow .

Chau.

Make a Bon fire on t to sweeten Rosemary Lane prethee Trim . entreat my father in law that might haue beene , to come and speake with me .

Trim.

The Bride cries already and lookes to ther way , and you be so backward too , we shall haue a fine arseward wedding on 't . Exit Trim.

Chau. You le stand to your words , sir ? Phis.

I le not flye the house sir , when you haue need call me to euidence . Exit Phisition .

Chau.

If you le proue she has borne a Bastard , I le stand too 't shee 's a whore .

Enter Russell and Trimtram . Russ.

Why how now sonne what causeth these delayes ? All stay for your leading .

Chau. Came I from the mount to be confronted ? Russ. How 's that sir ? Chau. Canst thou roare old man ; Russ. Roare ? how meane you sir ? Chau.

Why then I le tell thee plainely thy daughter in a Bronstrops .

Russ. A Bronsterop ? What s that sir ? Trim. Sir if she be so she is a Hippocrene . Chau. Nay worse she is a fructifer . Trim. Nay then she is a Fucus , a Minotaure , and a Tweke . Russ. Pray you speake to my vnderstanding sir , Chau.

If thou wilt haue it in plaine termes : She is a Callicut , and a Panagron .

Trim. Nay then she is a Duplar and a Sindicus . Russ. Good sir , speake English to me . Chau.

All this is Cornish to thee , I say thy Daughter has drunke Bastard in her time .

Russ. Bastard you doe not meane to make her a whore ? Chau.

Yes but I doe , if shee make a foole of me , I le nere make her my wife , till she haue her maidenhead agen ?

Russ. A whore ? I doe defie this Callumnie . Chau. Dost thou ? I defie thee then . Trim.

Doe you sir , then I defie thee too , fight with vs both at once in this quarrell if thou darest .

Chau. I could haue had a whore at Plimouth . Trim. I or at Perin . Chau. I or vnder the Mount . Trim. Or as you came , at Euill . Chau. Or at Hoc-kye hole in Somersetshire . Trim. Or at the hanging stones in Wiltshire . Chau.

Or at Maidenhead in Barkshire : and did I come in by Maidenhead to goe out by Staines ? Oh that man woman or childe , would wrastle with me for a pound of patience .

Russ. Some thiefe has put in poyson at your eares . To steale the good name of my child from me : Or if it be a mallice of your owne , Be sure I will enforce a proofe from you . Chau.

Hee s a goose and a woodcocke that sayes I will not proue any word that I speake .

Trim.

I either goose or Woodcocke he shall sir with any man .

Chau. Phi-si-ti-an , Mauz auez Phisitian . Russ. Is he the author ? Phis. Sir , with much sorrow for your sorrowes sake , I must deliuer this most certaine truth , Your daughter is an honor stayned Bride , Indeed she is the mother to a child , Before the lawfull wife vnto a husband . Chau.

Law , that s worse then I told thee , I said shee had borne a Bastard , and hee sayes she was the mother on t too .

Russ. I 'me yet an infidell against all this , And will beleeue the Sun is made of Brasse , The Starres of amber . Chau. And the moone of a holland cheese . Russ. Rather then this impossibility , oh , heere she comes , Enter Iane and Anne . Nay come daughter , stand at the barre of shame , Either now quit thy selfe , or kill me euer : Your marriage day is spoyld if all bee true . Iane . A happy misery , whose my accuser ? Phis. I am that knowes it true I speake , Chau. Yes and I me his witnes . Trim. And I . Chau. And I agen . Trim. And I agen too , there s foure that s enough I hope . Russ. How can you witnes sir that nothing know , But what you haue receiu'd from his report . Chau. Must we not beleeue our Phisitians ? pray you thinke I know as much as euery foole do's . Trim. Let me be Trimtram : I pray you too sir . Iane . Sir if this bad man haue layd a blemish On my white name : he is a most false one , Defaming me for the iust denyall Of his soule lust , nay now you shall be known sir . An Sir I me his sister and do better know him , Then all of you giue not too much beliefe To his wilde wordes , hee 's oftentimes mad sir . Phis. I thanke you good sister . An. Are you not mad to doe this Office , Fie vppon your mallice . Phis. I le presently produce both nurse and Child , Whose very eyes shall call her mother , before it speakes . Chau.

Ha , ha , ha , ha , by my troth I de spend a shilling on that condition to heare that , I thinke in my conscience I shal take the Phisitian in a lye if the Childe call her mother before it can speake , I le neuer wrastle while I liue agen .

Trim.

It must be a shee child if it doe sir , and those speake the soonest of any liuing Creatures they say .

Chau.

Baw waw , a dog will barke a Month sooner , hee 's a very puppy else .

Russ. Come tell truth twixt our selues , heer s none but friends One spot a fathers loue will soone wipe off ? The truth and they trie my loue abundant , I le couer it with all the care I haue . And yet ( perhaps ) make vp a marriage day . Iane . Then it s true sir , I haue Child . Russ. Hast thou ? Well wipe thine eyes , I me a Grandfather then , If all bastards were banisht , the Citty would be thinne , In the thickest terme time , well now let me alone I le try my wits for thee , Richard , Francis , Andrew , None of my knaues within ? Enter his Seruant . Ser. Heere 's one of 'um , sir , the Guests come in apace . Russ.

Doe they dick ? let 'um haue wine and sugar , wee le befor 'um presently , but harke Dick .

Cha.

I long to heare this childe speake ifaith , Trim , I would this foolish Phisition would come once .

Trim.

If it calls her mother , I hope it shall neuer call you father .

Chau.

No , and it do I le whip it ifaith , and giue thee leaue to whip me .

Russ. Run on thy best legges Dicke . Seru. I le be heere in a twinkling sir . Exit Ser. Enter Phisitian , Nurse , with the childe . Phy.

Now Gentlemen , beleeue your eyes , if not my tongue Doe not you call this your childe ?

Phew , that s not the point you promis'd vs the child should call her Mother , if it do's this month , I le nere go to the roaring schoole agen .

Russ. Whose childe is this Nurse ? Nurse . Dis Gentlemans , so he to me readen . Poynts to the Phisitian . Ch. Snailes shee s the Phisitians Bronstrops , Trim . Trim. His Fucus , his very Tweke , ifaith . Chau.

A glister in his teeth , let him take her with a purgation to him .

Russ. 'T is as your sister said : you are starke mad , sir , This much confirmes it , you haue defamed Mine honest daughter : I le haue you punisht for t , Besides the ciuill pennance of your sinne , And keeping of your bastard . Phis. This is fine , All your wit and wealth must not thus carry it . Russ. Sir Chaugh a word with you . Chau.

I le not haue her ifaith , sir , if Trimtram will haue her and he will let him .

Trim.

Who I , sir ? I scorne it , if you 'l haue her , I le haue her too , I le doe as you doe , and no otherwise .

Russ. I doe not meant to either , this onely , sir , That whatsoere y 'aue seene , you would be silent , Hinder not my child of another husband , Though you forsake her . Chau. I le not speake a word , ifaith , Russ. As you are a gentleman . Chau. By these basket hilts , as I am a youth , A gentleman a Roarer . Russ. Charme your man I beseech you too . Chau.

I warrant you sir hee shall doe nothing but what I doe before him .

Enter Seruant with Fitzallen . Russ. I shall most dearly thanke you , Oh are you come , Welcome sonne in law : this was beyond your hope , We old men haue pretty conceits sometimes , Your Wedding daye 's prepard , and this is it , How thinke you of it ? Fitz. As of the ioyfulst That euer welcomd me , you shew your selfe now A patterne to all kind fathers : my sweetest Iane , Russ. Your captiuity I mean't but as sauce , Vnto your Wedding dinner , now , I 'me sure 'T is far more welcome in this short restraint Then had it freely come : Fitz. A thousand fold . Iane . I like this well . Chau.

I haue not the heart to see this Gentleman guld so , I will reueale , I make it mine owne case t is a foule case .

Trim. Remember you haue sworne by your hilts . Chau.

I le break my hilts rather then conceale , I haue a trick Doe thou follow mee , I will reueale it , and yet not speake it neither .

Trim. 'T is my duty to follow you sir . Chaugh sings . Take heed in time oh man vnto thy head , Trim. Sings . All is not gold that glistereth in bed . Russ. Why sir ? why sir ? Chau. Looke too 't I say , thy Bride 's a Bronsterops , Trim. And knowes the thing that men weare in their slops , Fitz. How 's this sir ? Chau. A Hipocrene , a Tweke , for and a fucus , Trim. Let not fond loue with foretops so rebuke vs . Russ. Good sir . Chau. Behold a baby of this maids begetting , Trim. A deed of darknes after the sun-setting . Russ. Your Oath sir . Chau : I sweare and sing thy Bride has taken Phisike , Trim. This was the Doctor curd her of that Ptisicke . Chau. If you 'le beleeue me I will say no more , Trim. Thy Brides a Tweke as we doe say that roare . Chau. Beare witnes Gentlemen I haue not spoke a word , My hilts are hole still . Fitz. This is a sweet Epithalamium , Vnto the Marriage bed , a musicall Harmonius Io: sir , yaue wrongd me , And basely wrong'd me , was this your cunning fetch , To Fetch me out of prison , for euer To marry me vnto a Strumpet ? Russ. None of those words good sir , T is but a fault , and t is a sweet one too , Come sir , your meanes is short , lengthen your fortunes , With a faire proffer : I le put a thousand pieces Into the scale to helpe her to weigh it vp , Aboue the first dowrie . Fitz. Ha ? you say , well Shame may be bought out at a deere rate , A thousand pieces added to her dowry . Russ. There s fiue hundred of 'um to make the Bargaine , I haue worthy guests comming and would not delude 'um , Say : speake like a Sonne to me . Fitz.

Your blessing sir , we are both yours , witnes Gentlemen these must be made vp a thousand pieces , added to a first thousand for her dowry , to father that childe ,

Phis. Oh is it out now ? Chau. For tother thousand I le doo 't my selfe yet . Trim. Or I , if my Maister will . Fitz. The Bargaine 's made , sir , I haue the tender And possession both ; and will keepe my purchase , Chaw.

Take her eene to you with all her moueables , i le weare my batchellors buttons still .

Trim.

So will I ifaith ; they are the best flowers in any mans garden , next to hartsease .

Fitz. This is as welcome as the other sir , And both as the best blisse that ere on earth , I shall enioy , sir , this is mine owne childe , You could not haue found out a sitter Father Nor is it basely bred as you imagine For we were wedded by the hand of heauen Ere this worke was begun . Chaw. At Pancridge , i le lay my life on 't , Trim. I 'le lay my life on 't too , t was there , Fitz. Some where it was , sir , Russ. Was 't so ifaith sonne ? Iane . And that I must haue reuea'ld to you , sir , Ete I had gone to Church with this faire groome , But thanke this gentleman , he preuented me , I am much bound vnto your mallice sir . Phi. I am a sham'd Iane . Shame to amendment then . Russ. Now get you together for a couple of cunning ones , But sonne , a word , the latter thousand peeces Is now more then bargaine . Fitz No by my faith sir Here 's witnesse inough on t , must serue to pay my fees Imprisonment is costly Chaw.

By my troth the old man ha's gul'd himselfe , finely , well sir , I le bid my selfe a guest , though not a groome , I le dine and dance , and roare at the wedding for all this .

Trim. So will I sir , if my Maister does , Russ. Well sir , you are welcome , but now , no more wordes on 't , Till we be set at dinner for there will mirth Be the most vsefull for digestion , See , my best guests are comming . Enter Captaine Ager , Surgeon , Lady Ager Colonells Sister , two friends . Cap.

Recouerd saist thou .

Surg.

May I bee excluded quite out of Surgeons hall else , marry I must tell you the wound was faine to be twice Coroded , 't was a plaine Gastrolophe , and a deep one , but I closed the lips on 't with Bandages and Sutteures , which is a kind coniunction of the parts seperated against the course of nature .

Capt.

Well sir , he is well

Sur.

I feard him I assure you Captaine before the Surture in the belly , it grew almost to a convulsion , and there was like to be a bloody issue from the hollow vessells of the kidnyes .

giues him money . Capt.

There 's that , to thanke thy news and thy Art together .

Sur.

And if your worship at any time stand in need of incission , if it be your fortune to light into my hands , i le giue you the best .

Cap.

Vncle , the noble Colonells recouerd ,

Russ. Recouered . Then honor is not dead in all parts Cusse . Enter Colonell with his too friends . 1.

Behold him yonder sir .

Capt: My much vnworthinesse is now found out , Tha 'st not a face to fit it . Colo. frie. Sir yonder s Captaine Ager . Colo. O Lieftenant the wrong I haue done his fame , Puts me to silence , shame so confounds me , That I dare not see him . Capt: I neuer knew how poore my deserts were , Till he appeard ' ; no way to giue requitall , Here shame me lastingly ; doo 't with his owne , Returne this to him , tell him I haue Riches In that abundance in his sisters loue , These come but to oppresse me , and confound All my deseruings euerlastingly : I neuer shall requite my wealth in her say , How soone from vertue and an honord spirit , May man receiue what he may neuer merit . Colo. This comes most happily , to expresse me better , For since this will was made there fell to me The manner of Fitz-dale , giue h'um that too , Hee 's like to haue chardge there s faire hope Of my sisters fruitfullnesse , for me I neuer meane to change my mistris , And warre is able to maintaine her seruant , 1. Read there , a faire increase sir , by my faith , He hath sent it backe sir , with new additions . Capt. How miserable he makes me , this inforces me To breake through all the passadges of shame And headlong fall , Colo. Into my armes deare worthy . Capt. You haue a goodnesse Has put me past my answers , you may speake , what you please now ; I must be silent euer , Colo. This day has showen me ioyes vnualeu'd treasure , I would not change this brotherhood with a monarch , Into which blest aliance sacred heauen Ha 's plac't my kinsman , and giuen him his ends Faire be that Quarrell makes such happy friends . Exeunt Omnes . FINIS .