The foot-post of Douer With his packet stuft full of strange and merry petitions.

A STRANGE-FOOTE-POST , WITH A PACKET full of madde Petitions .

IUst about that time of the yeare when that Spring begins to command her handmaide Flora , to sticke the bosome of euery watry maedow , & sedgie lake , with nosegayes of party coloured flowers : hauing dulled my spirits with serious meditations , and plunged my senses in the quicksands of Inuention , aswell , to shake of a sullen Melancholy that attended me , as to entertaine some quicke , and more publicke recreation : I walked into a neighbouring meade , where it was my chance to light vpon an Arbor so priuately seated , as if Nature had built it a Caue , or receptacle for Solitude : inuironed so close , with the long and slender armes of Osiers , and so curiously intermingled with the leauy fingers of Woodbine , and swéete Eglantine , that neither cold nor raine could easily pierce it . In whose windowes , the feathered Quiristers of the groue , shipping from twig to twig , song pretty ( though idle ) notes , to the murmure of a siluer spring , which made such soft and solemne Musicke , that what with wondering , at the more then common workemanship of Art , and the Metaphisicall indeauours of Nature , in their ignorant ( yet well according ) Harmony , Leaning my hand vpon my elbow , ( being at that time destitute of a softer pillow ) I fell into a sodaine , yet sound sléepe , during which , my imaginary insight apprehended a most strange vision .

Mèe thought I was eleuated into the Zodiack , where like a Stranger cast vpon a forrain Coast , I was stricken with vn-vtterable admiration , wondring at the strange obiectes I beheld . Gazing thus on euery side , like a Country-Gentlewoman at hir first comming to a famous Citty , one clapt me vpon the head , whose very sight did much affright me , that it was enough to haue put me out of the wit I had : For the party I speake of was headed like Hydra , The description of Opinion . hauing more Tongues , then Esope prouided for his Maisters dinner : and for eyes , he was no Cyclops , or Polypheme , but an other Argus : The cloathes he wore , were for all the world fashioned like a fantasticall Englishmans , a gallimawfry of most Countrie cuts , but not of one Cloath , Stuffe , Sattin , Ueluet , &c. as theirs are : Nor of one , two , thrée , foure colour●● , as for the most part theirs are ; but héere a péece of Ueluet , there a péece of Uellure , héere a péece of Sattin , there a péece of Sackcloath , filled with sundry patches of seuerall patternes , like a Taylors hole , or rather Hell , whereinto he casteth many bodies of men and women .

This Monster séeing me so pittifully perplexed , told me that he was not so terrible as he seemed and that his name was Opinion , so Headed , Sighted , Tongued and arraied , to shew the multiplicity , variety , and contrariety of mens Opinions , Fantasies , and Conceipts : And that the place wherein I then was , was named the Metrapolitan Cittie of the World , séeming indeed like Heauen it selfe , inhabited by Spirits of all sortes , adorned with Sunne and Moone , like a contributarie King and Quéene , Girt about with all the Signes of the Zodiack , garnished with Planets , which like Rulers ouerswayed Sublunary Creatures : Beautified with Starres of thrée sortes , whereof some were tearmed Fixae , resembling vertuous and constant women , kéeping in their Sphaeres , as in their houses . Others Errantes , wandring Starres , gadding like Gossips , which ride from Cities to Countries , running from their owne Mansions to Tauernes , from their husbands bosoms to other mens beds . The third , Cadentes , that is , falling Starres , whereunto wantons may bée compared , which fall from the Heauen of Honesty , to the unmoveable masse of Misdemeanour and immodesty : Forth with he led mee through many Lanes and shewed me the signes as wee passed along the heauen streete : Here ( said hee ) is Aries , the signe of the Ramme : What the Ramme in fleet street thought I ? This is Cancer the signe of the Crabbe : Here is Virgo , the signe of the Maide : That is a rare signe indeede , many a young beginner would bee glad to dwell at that signe : This is Scorpio , the signe of the Scorpion , a venemous Serpent which hurteth with the taile : That is Capricornus , the signe of the Goates head , some Cuckold languisheth there , while his wife laugheth abroad : This is Gemini the signe of the Twinnes , there dwelleth a good member in the Commonwealth , which getteth two at once : Héere is Leo the signe of the Lyon : There is Libra , the signe of the paire of Scailes : Terras Astraea reliquit , Iustice hath forsaken the Earth , and kéepeth shopp there : That is Sagittarius the signe of the Archer , blinde Cupid maketh bird-bolts there to dazle Woodcocks : This is Aquarius , the signe of the Water-bearer , I supposed at first a Uintener dwelled there , which carrieth so much water to quench the fire , which would else rise out of his Seller , till I gazed for a Bush and could sée none , but the bush Beard of a Brewer : After he conducted me by the seauen Planets , seauen Gates of this Cittie : The first and lowest he called Luna , The Postern which being then in the Ecclips , I déemed the Postern Gate shut close : The second Sol the Sunne , which I resembled to Mooregate , Mooregate . because it is more delicious and pleasant then the Moone , with beames and rayes , or rather rayles on the oneside : The third Mercury the God of Théeues , Cheaters , Nymble-fingered-fellowes , which made me call it Newgate : Newgate . Algate . Ludgate . The fourth Venus , the Goddesse of Loue , which I tearmed Allgate , because all goe thorough that Gate : The fift Mars , which looked sternly like King Lud , whose very aspect at that time wrought in my conceipt that I feard a Sergeant was dragging mee to Lud-gate : The sixt Iupiter , Aldersgate . which I surmisd to be Alders-gate : The seauenth Saturne , olde , féeble , and deerepit , which I thought might somwhat fitly be nominated Cripple-gate : Cripplegate . Are here all said I ? I haue one gate yet , standing voyd to bee shut vp with a similitude : What gate is that said Opinion ? It is Bishops-gate said I. Some Philosophers cauill about it said Opinion . But Aristotle and Plato make reckoning of an eight , which is called Sphaera octaua , that is , the firmament containing the fixed starres . Why then this Sphaera Octaua is Bishopgate , containing all the fixed starres : that is , the faithfull Ministers : Bishops-gate . And the Philosophers which cauill about it , are none but contentious Brownists , and Separaters : which because the eyes of their true vnderstanding are plucktout , would plucke the whole house vpon their owne heads , to the ouerthrow of the Rulers . But let these Byases passe by like asses , with bag & baggage to Anser-dame , so long as we haue Aristotle the Prince of Philosophers , and Plato the Diuine on our sides . Our gardens will prosper the better when they haue in them not one of these Elders , whereupon so many couetous Iudasses hang themselues .

By this time we had passed through al the Planets set about with stars , like so many gates with watchmen ; & were entred into the aire , the heauens suburbs : Here ( quoth Opinion ) you may daily behold diuers that passe to & fro from all parts to present their seueral petitions to Fortune & implore her aide for some good hap : which many times they obtaine , if their Petitions go not through many hands : for then they are either lost or torn , or come to some friends hands , against whom they are preferred , and the Petitioners are checkt and called seditious knaues , and go home perhaps an hundred miles with a Flea in their eare .

Then me thought I was very importimate to know the seuerall suiters , that became so suppliant to Fortune : and euen as Opinion was telling me he would certifie me of them is order , Behold ( quoth he ) yonder is one trauelling a pace , that ministers matter to giue you some satisfaction . And as I was thus giuing my attendance , and obseruation , I might see a femall comming , indeed a peart one she was , as ready to giue the welcome to her customers , as a boy in a barre , and as nimble as a Parasite in an old Comedie .

The harlot passeth by them .

FIe vpon her ( said I ) she will neuer haue good successe in her suite , The Harlot . she hath such Anticke attire , and doth so trip & go with her Petition : What ? a woman of tall stature , and vpright body ? ( would she were as vpright in her life & behauiour ) high browes , faire haire ? ( hath she not robbed the dead for it ) ? round chéeks , currall lips , dimpled chin , sléeke necke , & slender waste ? T is good if they be not hooks to draw men in , & birdlime to tie the frathers of euery stranger , that none may escape them . But I feare she is ( as some say of wanton women ) like Circes witches , and can turne vaine glorius fooles into Asses , gluttonous fooles into Swine , pleasant fooles into Apes , proud fooles into Peacocks , and when she hath done , scourge them out of dores with a whip .

This is one ( said Opinion ) whose face is a painted Sepulcher , The Opinion of a Harlot . whereas her mind is a Tombe full of rotten bones and Serpents : her browes ( like the Diamond ) containe vertue to relieue , and payson to kill : her lookes are like Calenders , that can determine no certainty , but ( as a certaine leafe ) which is most drie , when it lookes most moist : so when shee smiles , she imagines deceit , and her laughters are tempered with enuy & reuenge : her vows are but as words written in the wind : her promises Caracters figured in the aire : her flatteries , figures grauen in the Snow , which are blowne with the wind or melted with the Sun : and her loue , like the passage of a Serpent ouer a stons , which once past , can neuer boséene . She will promise mountaines , and perform Molehils . She will say she loues with Dido , and yet faine with Crefida : follow Demophon with Phillis , and yet be more stragling then Luna : she hath smiles ( at her wish ) to bewitch , and teares ( at command ) as the Crocodile , to betray . If thou proffer her any thing , she will pockeeat all : if thou hast gold , she is a Horsleach , and will not out of thy bosome : but shée hates an empty purse , as the Hyenna doth the fight of a man , and wil flie from thée , when thou art poore , as the foule from the Faulion . In plaine termes , she is a proud prorhane Harlot . And were she not prophane , what Athiest would frequant her ? were she not bawdy , what Puncquatero would shew his rotten tèeth to her ? Were she not ridiculous , what country Gentiles would come to her ? Were she not full of toyes and gewgawes , what Citizens would flocke to her ? In a word , Were she not as she is , she would be like a Politician without a profound head , like a flatterer without a glib tongue , like an Astronomer without eyes , a Musitian without hearing , a Souldier without hands , a Porter without a strong backe , a Gentleman vsher without straite legs , a Lackey without féete , in no reputation . But it is not so with her , for she is a Bona Roga : and the Petition which she comes to present , must néeds ( no doubt ) bring some good fruite , from that corrupt trée .

Vouchsafe to looke vpon the lines of your humble Petitioner , The Harlots Petition . who from fifteene yeares of age hath bene a woman of no carriage , liuing alwaies chast both in towne and countrey , and haue had much dealing with many of great ability , till of late that I failed of your furtherance , and missed many of my customers . For whom , when I made a secret inquisition , and priuie search ( fearing they had made a voyage to settle themselues in Virginia ) I met some of them prepared for Tiburne , others I found encountred with Counters , and some laid vp in houses of Hospitalitie : which vnexpected sight did so appaleme , that forthwith I thought good to present this Petition vnto you : requesting that such as are my wel willers , may haue some longer continuance of your fauours , and not tast so sodainly of your frownes , ( which will be my vtter vndoing ) so long as they haue money or meanes . But when they are destitute of both , then cast them off , let them steale and be hanged : which if they deny , I wish you send them farre enough : for there is nothing more combersome , then impecunious hangers on .

There be also some of the officious ( to whom I wish none of your fauours ) as the onely causers of our ouerthrowes . Where there is one of these officers , I would there were twentie . For they hunt vs like Hares , & ferrit vs like Conyes . They tie vs to stakes like Beares , and whip vs like Iades . They driue vs from post to piller , that were we not predestinate as it were to liue chast , they would compell vs euen against our Fate to become chast , they do so chase vs from countrey to citie , from citie to suburbes , from houses and husbands , to cousens and allies , where we leade a life like brute beasts among grasse , trees ; &c. Or liue like the old water-Nymphs , or Fairies ( which pinched poore men ) in wels & ditches . As Shorditch & Clarkenwell . I therefore sue to haue an Habeas Corpus serued vpon them , especially certaine little Annimals , called Beagles , who seeing poore Does prostrate before their feete , haue notwithstanding the heart to hurt , and draw blood from their ribbes and shoulders .

Maddona Meretrix .

The Baude commeth to the Harlot .

GOe thy wayes , The Baude . thy fooles bolt is shot a Cookheight against the starres , which will light vpon thine owne head . Here is a Petition indéed , if all Petitions should be granted . But there is another come vnto her , she should be a yong woman by her great belly : but now she yawneth , I sée the marke is out of her mouth , she walloweth like a Sow with pigge , talketh very imperiously , & is clad most modestly But I mistike one thing , she cougheth so sorely , are her lungs sound ?

Out vpon her ( said Opinion ) though she speake purely , The opinion of a Baude . sweare sparingly , looke demurely , and walke sagely , yet her life is loathsome , and behauior beastly . She hath her roguish Rhetorick at her fingers , ends , and can winch , kicke , and fling when she séeth her oportunitie . She goeth to the Church with an ill will , vnlesse to picke a pocket , or to peruert some honest mans wife she is pued withall . But she will bestir her ●●…mps to get easie roome in a Theater ; and twenty to one she will lure some Buffard to dogge her home at the end of the Play . She liueth by vsury , but here is the difference : the vsurer putteth but ten ( ouer & aboue ) to his hundreth in the yeare , But she brings an hundreth to ten , nay to two somtimes in a wéeke , Abhominable filth as she is , I wish thée to stop thy eares at her words , for she is a Mer-maide , or rather Mar-maide .

Afilthie Baude .

The Spendall passeth along .

ROome for a Gentleman , The Spendall . mark the motion my Masters : his dublet is of the ragged ranke , with neuer a button on it , and his bréeches are very faulty , they must be mended , I maruell he buyeth himselfe no better cloathes now his rents begin to come in so fast : Foure paire of yarn stòckings would make no great shew vpon those spindle shankes : he looketh very Lentenly and conuneth halting on .

This tottered Colt ( said Opinion ) which once had high desires , The Opinion of the Spendal hath now lowe fortunes ; his thoughts were woont to reach at starres , but now stumble at stones . He was his fathers dotage , and his Mams darling : a toward Springall you will say , when he lay with his mothers Chambermaide at sixtéene : and an vntoward Spendall , when he had lauished the sixt part of a Million before he knew sixe and twentie Birth dayes . He did of late swim in gluttonny , but now is pinched with pennury . He was woont to deuise what to eat , and is now destitute of any food . He hath worne more vpon his backe then the gold ( which procured passage for the Asse into the Castle ) would defray . His quondam full féeding maketh him now took so emptily . His drinking so many healths hath taken all health from him : his so often leaping the pale , causeth him looke so pale : his close following the fashion , bringeth him now ( as you sée ) out of all forme and fashion : had he taken time before he might haue lodged in an house like a pallace , as he doth now in a place like a prison , lying like a Nutmeg in a Grate , being the Embleme of vnthriftinesse , the Hierogliphicke of Riot , the picture of the Prodigall , and the Indiuidium vagum of a poore pitifull pennilesse Spendall .

Most humbly sueth a cashierd Caualiere , The Spendal● Petition . no Gentleman yet a knights sonne and heire , being richly bequeathed , and well mannered , consorted with men of choice fashion , with women of famous report : much indebted to merchants , and greatly bound to their wiues . But at last wanting present meanes to repay the one , and competent matter to come euen with the other , which did put me to my plunges , that I was constrained to colleague with a Miser , Qui nummos admiratur : An vsurer that doth make much of money , who vpon some consideration of my good conditions did supply me for a time , but when Doomes-day came , that I should render an account for all , all was gone , my lands were seised vpon , my credite ceased , and I clapped vp amongst Bankrupts , and borrowers : where now I must lie like a forlorne wretch , euen readie to die for want of reliefe : my friends pittie me , my enemies play vpon me . The end of Riot . All flie from me , none come nye me , but mercilesse keepers , and miserable caytiffes , who make me remember what I learned long agoe .

Cum fuer is foelix multos numerabis amicos , Nullus ad amissas ibit amicus opes :

When I was mounted vpon the chariot of Fortune , Gallants would conuerse with me , Lawyers giue attendance to my suites , Tradesmen cappe to me , Dependants crouch to me , Brokers borrow for me , Vsurers lend me , Flatterets extol me , lusty Lasses aduance me , stoope to me , and hang about my necke like goodly Iewels , as they proue . But now I am trampled vnder the wheele of Chance , all is turned topsie turuey , Qui nuper albus eram , nunc sum contrarius albo . Gallants in their Pasquill humours begin to gird at me . Curia pauperibus clausa est . Lawyers haue no feeling of my case : Tradesmen will haue no commerce with me ; Dependants hang downe their heads as if they were going to hanging : Brokers become boisterous : Vsurers misuse me . Thus am I vsed for vsing them : thus am I deceiued for trusting them : thus am I despised for imbracing them : thus am I become a castaway for casting away my money amongst them . Now there is no wealth left , they are all lost , now my gold is flowne they are all fled , and now am I in want , they are all vanished like vnto an empty cloude . Oh that you would but send some Reuenge vpon some of them , that others of my rancke , seeing some of their fals , may shun the like places , and amend their follies , and they themselues relent , and haue their remorseles hearts turned : if out of their bellies , honestye and vpright dealing should haue no great losse .

The Spendall .

The Sergeant attends on him .

WOuld all our Lusty-Guts would looke in at this looking glasse . The Sergeant . He was as well rigg'd a Pinnace , as some that make a greater shew , and as well mann'd till the boisterous blasts of his owne affections splitted him vppon the rocks of Riot . He was as louely as Laeander , before he cast himselfe into the Sea of sensuality , and might in time haue proued a Co-adiutor of his countries weale , had hée closed his cares at the inueigling of Sea-Lures , and shut his mouth when Circe preferred him the cup to quaffe , which turned him to a beast , or more wretched then a beast in these daies , A beggar . But what is he that attendeth him so closely in the gowne .

It séemeth ( said Opinion ) that you neither trust nor are trusted : The opinion of the Sergeant . Either you haue stood in no need of money , or you want credit to borrow : or if you haue borrowed , you pay according to promise , and appointment ; else he would haue bene so bold as to haue clapped you vpon the shoulder , and bene better acquauited with you , though you cared not greatly for his acquaintance , if euer you came into the precincts of his Iurisdiction : He is an Officer , whose office I disallow not , but dislike some of his fratrernitie in their extreame executing of their duties , which will fawne like Spaniels , on such as bribe them , and will be inquisitiue after them , where they are sure they are not : But mercilesse Furies to haunt out poore men , which are disable to fée , and féed them with rewards , and that which sheweth them to be no Christians on the Sabboath day : He is at the best but a decayed Tradesman , or vnthrifty Occupier , which , how dissolutely or basely soeuer he liued before , is good inough to be as he is , The quartaine Feuer to a Spendall : the Plague to bad Pay-maisters : the Vsurers foisting hound : a necessary naile in the finger of the Common wealth to claw men by the poles .

A Sergeant .

The countrey Client passeth along .

HE hath neuer a Petition to preferre , The countrey Client . vnlesse against such as are wise enough to keepe their money , while they haue it , and pay duly where they owe. But stay , what is he that noddeth next ? if my eye-sight faile me not , a short corpulent fellow with a full face , and foule hands , couered like a Capease all with leather , backt with a broad dagger , a long sword which handleth the forepart of his stops very rigorously : now is his browne bonnet whipt betwéene his legs , and he stands groping for his Petition .

This man ( said Opinion ) you sée so plainly attird , is quite tered with following the law : The opinion of the country Client . who though he seeme so plaine , hath as many crooked conditions in his Costrell , as a slight of your finest fashionmongers . If he be Churchwarden , the Parishoner he maligneth , is summoned vpon suspition , if he giue but a well looking Lasse a good morrow , or good night . If he be Constable , all the Alewines are vndons : If his neighbour trespasse against him , he will neuer forgiue him . He will worship any man for his commodity , but where he neither feareth nor hopeth , He is haile fellow , well met . Cocknies may laugh at him , as he laggeth along the pauements , and Guls giggle when he passeth by their proper personages : but if he could get vantage , he would make them pay for the whole dozen : Let him alone , whether hée haue his Oates , Pease , or Beanes , yet he wanteth no fetches . Lend an eare to his Petition , if it be truly speld , hée will coniure somebody .

Long haue I liued , The contrey Clyents Petition . and grieued to see so many citizens become Bankrouts , when Lawyers flourish , and breath and braule to the vtter ruine and vndoing of such pooremen as my selfe , who hauing an homely wife and children at home , am compelled to come in Coram to this most deare Cittie , where I lie at exceeding charges , following the Law , which I faine would flie : But necessity hath no Law , for hauing no fees , I may find a Lawyer ( adding but a Maister to it ) who hath either no Law in his budget , or no conscience in his breast . So my case hath bene considered , and hung so long in Westminster hall , as my fathers Bowcase in mine owne hall , euer since he died , and left certaine lands to be parted amongst his sonnes , who , because we could not deuide them according to euery one of our contents , were contented to crouch to certaine Lawyers , who conceiuing the controuersie , and perceiuing vs at such variance , like our friends and welwillers promised to take our parts : and indeed not to belie them , they haue bene as good as their promises , and haue taken our parts , and not left vs an hole , or part to thrust our heads into . And now we lacke vnde : they come ouer vs with a Quare , which putteth vs into a Quandary , to be sent farre with neuer a farthing . It were ingratitude not to requite our welwillers and partakers , or at least , to wish wel vnto them that we cannot requite . My Petition therfore is , that you would conferre an hundreth marks or two vpon such Pillers , or rather Caterpillers , I mean such markes , as may marke them , to make others marke and beware of them . But for those rare , admirable , miraculous , honest , conscionable , graue deciders , which weigh the matter more then the money , preferre the Commonweale , more then their owne priuate wealth : pleade for the poore , as well as Nobles : permit the not guiltie , ouerthrow the guiltie ; I pray that they may liue many merry and Hillarie termes , for the good of their countrey , and profit of themselues , and their posteritie .

The countrey Client .

The Hostler followeth him .

SUre , said I , this Petition was neuer of his owne making , it is pincked so Pedantically , The Hostler . cut vpon fustian Phrases , and bound about with Mocke-adoes .

Resolue your selfe ( answered Opinion ) your countriman in many places is so metamorphosed in maners now a daies , and quaint tearmes , that you shall hardly distinguish Pan from Apollo , but by the habit , and so captious in words , that you can vtter no ward that he will not equiuocate , if the Idiome will beare it . He speaketh so ambiguously , that if his spéech be construed one way , he knoweth how to interpret it after another signification , & is not the man you take him , for if you take him for a plaine , silly , honest man at all times , The Hostler leadeth the countrey Clients horse after him . and in euery respect . You haue said enough of him , but I pray you what is he for a man that doth follow him , he hath a sticke in his hand , which he whisketh as he leadeth the horse by the bridle .

He is as full of complement as his maister an Innekéeper : You are welcome Gentlemen , The opinion of a knaue Hostler . is all his eloquence , and that he sheweth as well to a clowne , as a knight . At your entrance into his stable , he will be so obsequious and seruile , that he wil wipe your very horses héeles . He stinketh like a Curricombe , and smelleth as ranke as Stale . He will giue your horse a pecke of prouender ( if it be your pleasure ) and steale halfe of it , if you eye him not narrowly . At night he filleth tho racke with hay , but in the morning you shal not find an handfull , though your horse , nor any other by him eat not a mouth full . If you abide any long time and will hourely looke vnto your beast , as it is best ( for the eye of the maister maketh the horse fat ) he can take order for his eating ouermuch , by greasing his téeth with a tallow candle . He loueth drinke likely , and a drab if he be not married . He hath no yearely wages of his maister to maintaine him , but that which guests bestow vpon him . To be briefe with him : at your departure , if you giue him any thing in the chamber , when you make cleare with the house , he hath a switch in one hand , and the bridle turned ouer the maine of your horse , standing in readinesse , to hold your stirrop steadfastly , and bid you heartily farewell : But if he finde you miserable , your saddle girts are tied but slackly , and if you like them not , you may mend them your selfe , and if you looke not before you leape , you may perchance rue it . But he will hold your stirrop if you bid him , he dare not deny it , it is a speciall point of his profession , but slackely , and with the head on the one side : and he will bid you farewell ( as his maister may heare ) and bée hanged , ( that he muttereth to himselfe . ) Though he be a knaue , yet he is a man of great calling ( especially when trauellers ride early on their iourney .

An Hostler .

The old Seruing man passeth along .

ECce autem alterum , Behold a blew coate with neuer a badge on it , The old Seruingman . the crowne of his head like a Franciscans , Leno in facie , he looketh leaue in the face , and lanke in the belly : All his apparrell looke as though they were cast , a signe of a weake stomacke to beare strong liquour . Looke how he kisseth his hand as if he were in loue with it , and licketh the superficies of the floore with his knées . Fie vpon it , how semonious he is in deliuering his Petition . Those lowe legs , and kissing the hand ( if he can cogge , and lie to ) would get him a seruice with some in the world , if he would serue thrée or foure yeares for no wages , he should haue halfe a crowne at parting .

Nay ( said Opinion ) he hath bene long enough in that predicament , and now can shew nought of his getting , The opinion of the old Seruingman . vnlesse children he dare not father . He was a pretty boy , an handsome strippling , a proper man : péeuish in his childhood , proud in his youth , and prodigall in his best yeares : He hath wasted his portion in hope of preferment : spent his substance , looking for aduancement ; consumed quite all , in expectation of some requitall . His greatest felicitie was to court the chambermaids in some corner , & his chiefe exercise to make his maisters friends a a Seruingmen . dependants drunke . He was trained vp in some péece of a ioyners trade to make legs , and the best part of his Rhetoricke was , I forsooth , and No forsooth . The iniunctios that he was tied to , were to rise at all houres , and to ride in all seasons , eating that which was left , wearing that which was left , and marrying oftentimes that which his maister left . Which sheweth what he was , and is the b b One that goeth before . Anteambulo of a Gentlewoman , the c c One that followeth . Subsequent of a Gentleman , the d d One that sitteth before . Presedent of a Portmantle , or a Cloake bagge .

An old Seruingman , a young beggar .

Not without cause do I creepe to you with my Petition , The old Seruingmans petition . praying either better fortune hereafter , or reuenge vpon them that haue so slighted me off heretofore ; who from my youth was brought vp in seruice , not in Gods seruice , but in the seruice of man and woman , waiting for that which now I shall neuer get , because I can waite no longer . So long as I was strong , I was backt with something : so long as I could performe all seruiceable duties , I wanted for no promises . But Time which turneth all things , hath turned me out of seruice , and Age which altereth all men , hath changed me from the top of Fauour to the toe of Contempt . Being now vsed like an old horse , my cloake plucked of my backe , as his skin : Or an old dogge , kickt with disdaine of euery vpstart . Thus haue I bene serued for all my seruing : gained a daintie dish , for caruing so many daintie dishes : got a goodly catch , for all my watching , and catching cold , for all my running , and riding , tending , and tendering the welfare of those , which consider none , but themselues . A man were better serue hogges , then some men , many wiues , most widdowes . Yet I would be loth to be misconstrued , or thought to censure any , but curious fooles , that none can please : ingratefull wretches , which although a man hath spent the prime of his youth , hindered his fortunes , discharged the part of a faithfull steward , when his beautie fadeth , and strength faileth , will thrust him from them ( because he cannot performe his wonted charge ) without recompence or remorse . For the world knoweth , and thousands acknowledge , the munificent liberalitie of true Gentry , extended towards them , who by seruice haue climbed vp to honour , their maisters not enuying them , but lending their own hand and strength to their ascentions , whose childrens children are bound to pray for them : when others , respected like my selfe , are forced to become humble Petitioners as I am , and are contrarily indebted , to them and theirs , if they do not degenerate from their Predecessors .

The old Seruingman .

The widdow with the old Seruingman .

WEll ( thought I ) though the fellow haue gained smal wages , The Widdow . yet hath he great words ( wheresoeuer he got them ) and can say something for himselfe , though it auaile him little . Let him he trauelling towards Beggers bush , and thinke of his sinnes in his masters Buttery . But stay a while he is in communication with a séeming well demeaned woman , some what stricken in yeares , yet well fauoured , and not past marriage .

She may do well you thinke ( said Opinion ) to make him a man , The opinion of the widdow . which made her a woman , when time was ( or else there are liers . ) But if she be wise , she will not hazard her goods and her selfe . That she hath , she is sure of , and put the case she wasteth any thing her selfe , it will be lesse care , then to haue another to lash it out . The wilde colt may proue a tame horse , but a wilde youth is oftentimes a wilfull man . Vincere consuetudinem dura est pugna . It is a fore conflict to subdue custome . She leadeth now a single life ( a singular life ) she hath her necke out of the yoke , she néed not thrust it into it againe , vnlesse she lust . If she can kéepe her selfe as she is , she is well and a wealthy Widdow .

The maide gotten with childe commeth along .

LEt them goe together on Gods name ( said I ) but hei mihi , The maide gotten with childe . what a wofull spectacle is this ? faciem pulchram , an amiable face , and louely looke : Prettie soule , why doth she pouder those fresh chéekes with salt teares ? Alas , she can scarce wallow , her belly is so full , yet she ioggeth along , though euery foote she looketh to lie downe .

This is one ( answered Opinion ) whom Nature hath imbellished with her rarest ornaments , The Opinion of the maide with child . but fortune furnished with none of her riches . She was poore , therefore despaired of an husband . Light of beliefe , therefore at this time heauy bellied . Another Dido to beléeue some wandering AEneas : another AEnone to credite some wandring Paris : another Phillis to trust some swearing Demophon . He promised , and hath fulfilled ( but I do not say his promise . ) Because he sware he would neuer forsake her , she supposed he would surely haue her : as though he which maketh no scruple to breake the seuenth Commandement , will make any conscience to kéepe the third . The apples were faire , the trée comely , and the diuell at hand made her fall to them , which procured her fall , and that fall was the cause of this swelling .

If euer any might proffer a Petition for right , The Petition of the maid with childe . or reuenge , I haue as great reason as any , Being a pure and vntoucht virgin , voted to Vesta , and deuoted to Chastity , till a venerous villaine with daily assaults and nightly trecheries , neuer left battering the weake bulwarke of my heart with piercing words , vowes , oaths , & protestations , darted from his smooth tongue , till he had surprised me . Hearing him oftentimes sweare , seeing him teare his haire , nay , which is more strange for a man , weepe in most seeming sadnesse , kisse my hand with feare and trembling , and voluntarily proffer , and performe much feruitude , which I neither desired nor deserued . Being guiltlesse of effecting deceit , was free from suspecting : fearing to breake an oath , or violate a vow , trusted that he had bene possessed with the like feare , ( as he was not ) at last condescended . Which so soone as he had accomplished , he left me : It is no glory to deceiue a maide , no manhood to ouerthrow the weaker vessell , Yet being outwardly garnished with the gorgeous workmanship of Art and Nature , what labour will not some men take to attaine this vessell ? what watchings will they not vndergoe ? what wealth will they not wast to compasse it ? And when they haue gotten it , how do they esteeme it ? euen a toy to be plaid with for a time , and after too . For so soone as they eye another deuice , they cast away the old , and neuer are in quiet till they are fingering the new , Fie vpon such , they are like warriours of old time , which would spend much cost , and labour to subdue a citie , and when they had brought in into subiection , they would instantly leaue it , and so march to another , &c. Or like the fantasticall fellowes of our time , which cannot keepe long in one cut , but euery foot haue a fling at a new fashion : but all not so , and I would there were fewer that are so .

The maide with childe .

The Parriter rideth after the maide with childe .

I Sée one a farre off , riding as it were to this maide , he will not be here very soone , The Parriter he is so ill horsed . In the meane time I will acquaint you with a iest not vnfit to be inserted in this place . There was a prettie maide which in her time had many suiters , the first whereof was verie vrgent to haue his delights with her ( as I heard a crooked legd knaue terme it : ) she being a tender hearted thing , as it séemed this was , after a little willing waywardnesse was wonne , and lost together . After he had forsaken her , a second came , and serued her in like manner : then a third , and after a fourth , ( birds of a feather , they flew all after the foremost . ) Being thus handled , she began to ware warie , and forswore trusting . In this resolution a fifth came vnto her , whose condition was to trie all , and if they did agrée , he would come no more there . This Gentleman wooing the foresaid supposed maide , set his wit and wealth vpon the tenters , to obtaine his purpose , but nothing could preuaile . She rayled most egregiously against his dishonest and vniust request , and scorned the motion : which pleased him very well ( though he seemed discontented ) and married her . The second night they lay together , he began to speake thus vnto her : Thou knowest ( swéet heart ) how earnest I was to lie with thée before I might lawfully ; and I protest , if thou hadst suffered me , we had neuer bene married together . The wife , whether she was halfe a sléepe , or ouer-ioyed , ●or had the heart of an Owle ( which they say causeth women to reueale their secrets ) laide to her left pappe , Gesner . answered him thus . Nay , nay , husband , I was wise enough for that , I trow : for thrée or foure had serued me so before I euer beheld your face . This tale I thought méete to set downe in this place , that if any maide chance to reade ouer this booke , she might take héed how she dishoner her selfe with any , whether she marrieth or marrieth not , for it will bréed future iealousie , though she neuer after deserue it . The Parriter serueth a Processe , &c. But now the horseman is alighted and readeth something to the maide gotten with childe , what he is I cannot certainly say , but I do not like his looks , nor that péece of parchment in his hand .

I will not runne ( said Opinion ) into any particulars wfth him , The Opinion of the Pariter . he is better knowne in the countrey then in the citie . And whosoeuer are intus , or in cute ( as I may speake ) acquainted with him , know him to be an honest man , or a knaue .

Pariter .

The reiected louer walketh along .

LEt him returne that answer to the Court , and sée if they can haue an action of slander against you , The Louer . and obserue him now that commeth next with his Petition , so trimly tricked vp : not a haire amisse with him , vnlesse that which hangeth on the one side of his shoulder , what a pourblinde Earber was he which polled him last . Come a little nearer me , I sée now , he can make his old cloake serue the turne , in the last edition newly corrected and augmented , laced and interlaced . He hath a stiffe necke , which God hateth , and a strait dublet , which no faithfull drunkard can indure , for if he had it but one sitting , he would not leaue if worth a button : but the fashion of his bréeches , sure he had an honest Tayler , else hee might haue taken as much from both the out-sides next his knées as would haue made him two ends of a wallet , which now are very like a paire of Smiths bellowes , standing with the smallest ends vpwards . A swéet youth no doubt , for he hath two Roses on his shoes to quallifie the smell of his féese , if he haue no sockes , or one would make a Pope of him , and kisse his toe . But why doth he sigh so déepely , and looke so sléepily ?

This finicall fellow is no foole , although he be none of the wisest : he cares no more for money ( if he haue it ) so he may please his mistresse , The description of the Louer . then for such mettall as serues onely for seruile exchange : He can fit his humour to euery estate . If he be among Schollers he hath Aristotle at his fingers ends and euery phrase smels of Cicero . He can shew wit in quicks of Sophistry , and reading in disputations of Philosophy . Amongst Courtiers he ran braue it out as well as the rest , and court women , with most louing and amorous prattle : with them he is in his Q. and kéepes the old text , Bonum est nobis esse hic . But their company so besets him , that he forgetteth with Vlysses to stop his eares , and therefore the Syrens put him to shipwracke . He carrieth not the Antidote of Caueat Emptor , against the alluring baites of their beautie , and therefore Folly ( for the most part ) is his next hauen .

He remembers not , that the eyes of wicked women are snares , and their words charmes ; that their deceipt is much , their desires more , The Louers Petition . and their couetousnesse most ; which the more it drinkes the more thirsty it is : their consciences like a Pomice stone , light , and full of holes : whose loues are for lucre , whose hearts are light on his person , and whose hands are heauy on his purse . If he hit vpon a Curtezan that is a little coy , though she be altogether vnchast , his delight is to be on her lappe : there he lies at racke and manger , & thinkes there are no more maids then Malkin . There he sitteth like Sardanapalus , dallying with the flame , till he burne in the fire . So as in the end , comming home by wéeping Crosse , he buyeth repentance with too deare a price , and becommeth at last , A fond , despised , and reiected Louer .

Being worne with griefe , and wasted with discontent , I am constrained to seeke remedy and some ease to my minde , which you may affoord by doing reuenge vpon an inconstant Female , who plighted her faith to me , & priuatly proclaimed me the sole Lord of her Microcosm : but before I was installed I was forestalled by the vndermining perswasions of a trecherous vsurper , who with his seruile curtesies hath insinuated himself into my dominions . Who would trust the wind ? A womans words : who would relie vpon a broken reed ? a womans oath . They sigh for them that hate them , and laugh at most that lo●e them . They will haue some that will not , and will haue few that would faine . Some feeling of their folly had he , which when he beheld his neighbors wife hang her selfe vppon one of the trees in her husbands orchyard , requested a graft of the same tree , to see if it would beare any more of the like fruite . And no light burthen did that passenger account his wife , who , when the rest in the ship were willed to cast all the bagge and baggage , which did surcharge it , ouerboord , was most willing to hurry his wife into the Sea . Some to shew their learning , or rather ignorance , may make large volumes of Encomi●ns in their behalfes , and get perhaps a Iudas kisse , or a flap with a Foxe taile for their labours . For he that hath seene or read any thing at all of this Common place , shall finde for one Vesta , many vitious ; for one Diana , many darlings ; for one Lucrece , many lasciuious : did neuer any but Semeramis lie with her owne sonne ? Did neuer any but Mirrha twine with her owne father ? Did neuer any but Biblis dote vpon her own brother ? Did neuer any mistresse but Iosephus tempt her houshould seruants ? One is no number , I would there were no number of these ones , vpon which if you fall , you will be

The forlorne Louer .

The countrey Schoolemaister commeth to the Louer .

IT is happy you are so short , else we had bene wearied with your louely Petition . The Countrey Schoolemaster . Me thinkes yonder is one that cringeth to him : all his apparell is not woorth one Marke , yet he hath a hat on his head of the Spanish blocke : put the blocke and his head together and sée what they spell . Well done honest genus and species ( for thou séemest inclining as it were , that way by thy habite , and pen and inkehorne ) reade a péece of Ouid de Remedio amoris to him , for though he raile vnreasonably against women , yet I am perswaded he doth chastise them , non quod odio habet , sed quod amat .

Atque hoc humanum est ( said Opinion ) This man you sée which maketh such action with his hands , The Opinion of the countrey Schoolemaster . as he talketh with the Louer , is one that kéepth a foule coyle in the Chancell or Belfrée of a Church . He is a most horrible Tyrant ouer little children , and makes their bréeches quauer with the shake of his Scepter , alias the Rod. He getteth his liuing , non per se , but for the most part , per accidens . Yet he can teach Grammer and AEsops Fables , for he hath them both in print , translated verbum de verbo . Howsoeuer schollers do estéeme of him , ignorant Hobnailes hold him for a rare Scholler , for he will speake Latine amongst them extrumpere , and scan verses at his fingers ends . He is a man of sharpe learing , which pearceth hard words : he worketh by Rule , like a Carpenter , and can cast a figure , as if he were a coniurer . He is very curious , and standeth much a vpon points , he may fitly be coupled with the Louer . For either he is enamoured of his own good parts , or in loue with the waiting maid , if he tabled in a Gentleman house , & sometimes winneth her goodwill , but neuer can get her friends consent . To be brief with him , as hee is with his infants , a word and a blow : Hee is the outside of a Schollee , an imperious commander ouer boyes and wenehes , the head maister of the Péepe-taile trade

A Pedant .

The old woman married to a yong man commeth next .

SO let them all walke Newgate fashion , two by two : Who is that which hobleth next ? Christ blesse the woman : The old woman married to a young man . So , wipe your mouth with your Handkerchiefe after your coughing and spitting . Her forehead is wrinckled like a paper lanthorne , which boyes make : with two thinne chéekes , like two washt trenchers , betweene which , her nose séemeth like the socket , wherein the snot stands like a péece of a farthing Candle . Her mouth like a Caue with two clap doores , to wit , her two lips , without a bolt , that is without a tooth , containing a Pilgrime , a wandring tongue , which mouth ( like a Caue ) standeth like a Caue betweene two sharpe pointed hils , whose tops do almost touch one another , her Nose and her Chinne .

Mocke Age ( said Opinion ) and sée how you will thriue . This toothlesse , The opinion of the old woman married to the yong man . saplesse , sencelesse Beldam , was wife to an honest substantiall man , who during his youth endured much labour in gathering riches to maintaine himselfe in yeares , and her , if she should be superstes , or out liue him , as she hath . So she had all he left ( which was sufficient ) at her owne disposing , who was bad enough disposed as it séemed : For as soone as her husband was surely buried , she was all on the hoite , she could not lie alone . An husband was all her care , and many graue men she had choice of , but she gaue small intertainement to any of their haire , she had rather haue the legge of a Larke , then the body of a Kite : yet the feathers hang in her Maw , which she cannot digest nor vomite , till death lance her throate with his razor . Her Petition will reueals all , for women cannot kéepe their owne secrets . Onely this , she is , as it were , a bush of thornes thrust to the hinder parts of a Colt . A verie old woman married to a young man .

Though I might haue bene better aduised by my friends , The Petition of the old woman married to the yongman . forewarning ( I confesse ) yet since I am in the like pickle as others , and haue had no lesse misfortune then they , I may water my woes , and cannot chuse but put vp my Petition with theirs . Who as it is well knowne , was wealthy , and therefore soone wonne : an old woman , and therefore soonest wronged by a beggerly varlet : who at my first view seemed so ciuilly behaued , as none could mislike him : so well proportioned , as I could not chuse but like him , especially hauing an honest vocation , as he professed , and was well descended though a yonger brother , which had his portion to take , as he brought me Certificate . But now I perceiue these were but trickes to catch Dotterils . His smooth tongue being his onely friend , the lleight and craft of his hands , his onely handie-craft , his proportion his onely portion , which he had to take . For after wee were married he soothed me vp , till I shewed him my substance , and improuidently without any further trial , committed it to his tuition : which when he had made sure , he handled me most ingratefully : neuer touching my lips but with his fist , nor warming my fides , but with an ell I vsed to measure cloath : alledging that if I exclaimed against him , he might safely sweare , he did neuer beate me without measure . Hee would not be contented to waste himselfe and my riches amongst whores and roysters all the day : but at vnseasonable times , when I was in bed , rush into my house with his queans at his heels , & rouse me out of my rest : make me to remake my bed with fresh sheets for his Truls , & would leape in amongst them , I being compelled to hold the candle to the Diuell , whilest he did his deeds of darkenesse : Thus did he vse me , till I complained to Authoritie which relieued me , reuiled and extruded him my house and company . Then did he depart like a Sheepe-biter , retiring himselfe into a priuate chamber , cast off his guilded Rapier , spruce leather Boots , and Spurres , got him a Cloake without laces , made a Dublet with a falling choller , wore Gloues of sixepence a paire on his hands : no points on his Breeches , but at the wastband : a paire of sad coloured stockings , tied vp straight with Garters no broader then an Vsurers belt , and his Shooe-latches bound together with russet Inckle : frequented Sermons , sent me most passionate letters , that he had renounced Roisters , abiured whores , setled him-himselfe to a stayed and religious course , and that he shamed to appeare in the place I dwelled , he had so wronged me and himself . But if I would go into the country with him , he would purchace some conuenient place , where he might liue solitarie from all company , but my selfe , and seruants . His fained repentance seemed so heartie , and his flattering lines wrought so with me , that we became attoned , made money of all , and went together , and for three or foure dayes he vsed me kindly and lay very quietly with me in the nights , but the fifth night ( being farre from my friends ) when I was fast asleepe , and neuer dreamed of any such matter , stole all I had , & ranne away , what way I cannot heare , or learne any tidings .

The old woman married with the yong man .

The Clarke commeth to the old woman .

THis is the end of liquorice , The Clarke . when a woman hath neuer a tooth in her head to chaw it . At a glimpse I sée a young man with her . Hath she not yet abandoned the company of men without beards ? If hee be not the man she spoke so much of , what is he ?

He is one that you shall seldome sée without cleane linnen , The opinion of a Clarke . he weareth good cloathes , and can write a legible hand : hee hath a little learning , and will shew it all if you conferro with him : when he rideth abroad with his master , hée carrieth two hats , and walketh with a case of Rapiers , one by his side , the other in his hand , his masters and his owne . At dinner or supper , either at home or elsewhere , he waiteth at his masters elbowe with a trencher at his backe , yet hée can reach a cleane voider to any of the table , if he take a liking to the péece he hath en his foule trencher , he marrieth his masters daughter sometimes , which hee hath stolne away , ( God a mercie Oportunitie . ) He can make bonds and obligations to pleasure the parish , if their Uicar haue not so much Latine , and indite a loue letter for himselfe or his fellowes : if any misdemeanour be committed neare him , when complaint is made thereof , he writeth warrants to apprehend the offendors . He is a Iustices Clarke , which may warrant this old woman for getting her husband or her goods againe , though she pray , and pay neuer so many warrants .

The yong woman commeth married to an old man .

ANother passeth on passing portly , The young woman . a swéete woman , she smelleth hither : and a rolling eye she hath , it turneth with a trice on both sides : a faire haire , if it be her owne : a rare face if it be not painted : a white skinne , if it be not plastered : a full breast , if it be not bolstered : a straite backe , if it be not helped : a slender waste , if it be not pinched : a likely legge if it be not lined : a pretty foote , if it be not in the Shoomakers stockes : a faire , rare , swéete , méete body , if it be not dishonest .

Your supposes pose me ( said Opinion ) neither can I say or gainesay . The opinion of the young woman maried to the old Man . Nature in beautie is better then Art ; yet Art in shew surpasseth Nature . She is proudly attired , yet perchance humbly minded : loftily aduanced , yet it may be lowly descended : vildly suspected , yet peraduenture vertuously addicted . The world now adaies is round with such as shee is , and too rash in their censures : condemning such as are innocent , and quitting many that are culpable : but that which is past mending is past medling withall . Therefore leaue it , and looke vpon this lustre : faire she is and vertuous : riches she enioyes , yet hath no great ioy of riches : married she is , yet I make question , whether she bée a maide or no , being a young woman married to a verie olde iealous man .

My requests are not vnreasonable , The Petition of the young Woman maried to the old Man . nor voide of good cause , being a woman of tender age , as your eyes may witnesse , and of a vexed spirit , as these lines will manifest : that would chuse rather to be laide in my graue then on my bed ; feede of the wormes , then eate with such a worme-eaten old iealous husband as I doe : whose age I doe reuerence , and find fault with no deformitie , which time hath thrust vpon him , but with his causlesse suspitions , and immerited mistrusts of me . For did he hemme more then a towne of Taylers , or hawke oftner then a countrey of Faulkners , I could endure it , I am so enured thereunto : were the parts of his body neuer so nauseas & detestable , I could away with them , so his reason were sound and sauory : but his wisdome ( like his eyes ) is sunke into his head , too farre for hereafter appearing : his will stronger then his breath : his vnderstanding feebler then his fingers : and his iudgement corrupter then his body . The praise of some olde Men. It is an admiration to see the difference of some of his yeares , how directly they will talke , what maiestie is in their lookes , what wisedome in their discourse ? Not a word without his weight , not a sentence without good sence : not a deed vnlesse absolutely performed . They will blame nothing that is not blame worthie , nor condemne any without assured reason . But my Zelotipus raileth without reason , knocks his staffe against the stones , blames me without offence . Oh that some good Fortune would therefore cure me of this care , and salue me of this sorrow : For neuer shall I reape dayes rest , nights content , houres quiet , minutes mirth , so long as I haue this impostume in my head , this pinne and webbe in mine eye , this canker in my nose , this scabbe on my lippe , this iealous old husband .

The young woman married with a very old iealous man .

Now I heare this Petition , it bringeth into my minde a merry conceit . There was a very old man , which married a maide , who méeting a friend of his , did importune him to know what the people spake of his marriage . Who made him this answer : There was a poore man which had but one pecke of corne to grinde , and would néeds build a Mill to grinde it , and when he had ground his corne , the mill stood emptie , so that afterwards all the neighbours came to grind their grists there . This I inferre , not to defame any , but to shew how ready the world is to speake the worst .

Whatsoeuer you say ( said Opinion ) vnequall marriages doe marre ages , and such made matches as these , proue but mad matches , yet of the two , I hold it more conuient that old Tithon should haue a fresh Amora , then an aged woman to be linked in matrimony with a beardlesse boy .

The Cuckold passeth along .

SUfficnt for this theame , another doth appeare or rather péere . The Cuckold Heauens secure my sences , if I be not distracted , he is a Proteus , a Camelion , an Omnigatherum , God make him an honest man , for I would be loath to make any one such a one as he is .

He will trouble me to paint him , The Opinion of a Cuckold ( said Opinion ) I know not what coulours to lay vpon his face , for some times he is of a sanguine complexion , sometimes he looketh pale , sometimes tawny , or Moritawny , like Tobacco . Neither can I tell how to frame him , for he is sometimes tall , sometimes lowe , sometimes grosse , sometimes gracile . Nor expresly say what vocation he is of , for sometimes he is a Citizen , sometimes a Farmer sometimes a Lawyer ; sometimes a Scholler , &c. He hath a proper woman to his wife , yet common , he toyleth to maintaine other mens labours , yet he reapeth that which he neuer wrought for , he wasteth all the corne in his owne hatches on other mens Barnes , yet he kéepeth that which he neuer got , But to draw you out of this Laborinth with one line , Cornu ferit ille , If he haue not Cornes on his Toos , he hath Hornes on his Head . He is his wiues foole amongst her copesmates , wanton wenches pastime amongst themselues , and wagges game to play at with two fingers .

A Cuckold .

Loath I am to bewray my griefes vnto you , The Cuckolds Petition . did not the loathing of the life I lead egge mee against my nature to wish that I would not : I haue many yeares beene bound in a bond , which hath vndone mee , yoaked with a curtall which hath plaide me many Iades trickes , a wanton wayward wel fauoured wife : who falsifying her faith and breaking the bondes she sealed most solempnely before a congregation , doth often that which shame sylenceth me for vttering . I dare not meete her , she keepes such couragious company I cannot content her any way , she hath outwardly what she likes vnwardly : and what she thrustes away with one finger , she pulles againe with both her hands : when I fawne on her , she will be froward : If I be but a little absent , she wishes my presence . Her thoughts are like Babyes fancies , that will , and will not . My deedes cannot suffice her , for she is a woman , My speech cannot please her she is so captious , nor my lookes like her , she is so curious . None feele the rages of deseases , but they which haue them . None so truly know the torments of hell , as they which feele them ? Nor any feeleth the torments , or knoweth the rages , that I doe , vnlesse he liue in such an hell , or haue the like desease , as I haue . Many , are haunted with hagges , but neuer any with such an haggarde : They liue caute though not caste : but my Venus lyeth so visibly in her Networkes , that not only Gods eyes , but mens behold her . Yet fayne would I reforme her , but neither faire meanes can perswade her , nor fowle scarre her . If I indeauour with good counsell to dissawde her from her former follies , her answer is , I preach too learnedly for her to edify by me . If I plead plainely with her , then at the next word , I am Sir Iohn Lacklatine : If I can collect some witty saying fit for my purpose , that will touche her to the quicke , then she saith , I am all wit , or a wit all : If I threaten her , she hath enough to shield her : If I mention but a bill of diuorcement , it is her only desire : If I keepe her short of money , shee makes deuillish oathes and vowes that shee will haue Money , or some body shal pay for it : if I for quietnes sake should lock her vp into her chamber , the next time I stirre abroad , I am arrested for some debt of hers , which shee ranne into for such a purpose . In me turba ruunt luxuriosa proci , In mea regnant nullis prohibentabus , aula . Neuer shall I enioy rest , so long as shee and I breath together . Such therefore as haue not the same causes of complaintes as I haue , and yet liue not contented I wish their fortunes to bee , that they may be troubled with my paine and head-ache .

The Cuckold ,

The olde Souldier commeth along .

BUt stay , heere s an other limpeth a long : pitty a mee , an Hetaroclite , The old Souldier . hee lacketh an hande . There are scarres on his face , would scarre a timorous body to behold : he looketh grauely , as though he had not long to liue , and leaneth vpon his trunchion , as if his body were about to fall away : come alongst lustily , and halt not before thy freinds . Sure hee is a man of worth for hee hath his hangers on .

Your iests ( said Opinion ) are too tart , The Opinion of the old Souldier . and your merryment ouer much vpon so monefull a Man , which deserueth to be pittyed , rather then to be plaide vpon , and meriteth releife more then mocking . He hath borne Armes , howsoeuer now hee be disarmed : he hath had a sword to stieke by him , though now he hath no other weapon then a stieke in his hand : he hath lost his limmes but not in some druncken fray , and got those Cycatrices , but not in the defence of any Cocatrices : He hath fought against the walles of the enemy but neuer fought against any for the wall , as he walked in the streete . He will not stabbe for the lye , and yet he will not take the lye in his Countries disgrace . Hee is none of your swashing Captaines , that vsurpe the title , when they neuer fought vnder any coulours but Venus-es : and they will dye rather then they will flye from her coulours . Neuer handled peece , vnlesse of meat , bread &c. Neuer discharged shot vnles in a Tauerne where they met with too hot shots sometimes for their discharging . Neither is he any of your counterfet Duello's , discoursing of battailes they neuer came neare , telling of monsters they neuer beheld , vnles in a painted cloath : swearing they were hurt in the defence of Christianity against Mahomotistes , when if they were wounded , it was at Groyne at farthest . He is no Triton of his owne praises : nor Chronologer of his olde exploites , he is an arrant Coward in wrangling brawles , a more Crauen in vniust conflictes , a very Pigmey in paltrey frayes : but in a iust cause as valorous as Hector , and as puissant as Hercules , a true , faithfull and religious Souldier .

My humble sute is for better Fortune , The Petition of the old Souldier . for men are now become so ingratefull and hard hearted , that they doe not consider those which haue bene their friends , nor reward such as when neede serued , warded them from imminent distresses : the times past no man thinkes vpon : the time to come few dreame of : but all are for the time present . A Souldier hath helped them , and now God helpe Souldiers , for not many will : a souldier may helpe them , and then may helpe himselfe , and then they will helpe him also : but now a Souldier doth them no good , and therefore they will doe him as little . They liue in peace , that bringeth plentie , and that pride : but pride may haue a fall , and peace and plentie their hoods turnd ouer their heads : which I neither wish nor pray for , but if they haue , Spernitur orator bonus , horridus milos amatur . In the meane time , we , who haue wholly decayed our limbes , and impouerished our estates in the warres , may shew our scarres to vncompassionate eyes , and receaue no further helpe then Christ helpe you , good words , would we were able : good wishes for themselues : when as the superfluitie of one paire of their shoe-ties would yeeld vs much comfort : but I cannot , neither will I goe about to condemne any absolutely , the world is so pestered with idle vagabonds , which vnder the name of Souldiers and forged pasports , haue so wronged some , that it withdraweth the hearts of most from conferring their beneuolence vpon any : for I am perswaded that no true borne spirit will deny some reliefe to a true Souldiers in his want . And Preheminence hath allowed them well , though it be ill enough distributed in some places : the fault is not in the giuers , but of inferiours which are put in trust to dispose it . But the God of war hath so many Apostataes , that the true borne , fare the worse for the illegitimate . This boone I therefore craue , that all the ranks of rogues , and runnagates , shrouding themselues in the cast-suites of Souldiers , might be rooted out , or sent vpon a boone voyage to the new found Land , by which meanes Hens & Capons may sit at roost quietly in the night , and pecke about the garth all the day : shirts and other naperie hang vpon hedges , till the Sun set , shops be kept shut , and windowes stand wide open to let in aire , without feare of Creepers , to the great comfort both of citie , and countrey .

The old Souldier .

The Prentise cometh along .

WHen the Lion was old , The Prentise . the Asse came and kicked him : and when a Souldier hath lost his limmes , euerie coward will crow ouer him . I would say more in thy behalfe , and doe as much as I speake , if I were able . But I am anticipated by the spéedie entrance of another , with his cloake clapt vnder his left Arme. A prettie youth , very decently apparelled , but he goeth very fast , as if he went of an errant , what may he be .

He may be a man ( said Opinion ) if he liue , The opinion of the Prentise . an honest man man if he liue vpright . A sound man , if he flie surfets , and whores : a thriuing man if he shunne riotous company : a rich man , if he be thriuing : a Sheriffe , if he be a rich man : An Alderman if he be a Sheriff : A Maior , if he be an Alderman : a Knight if he be a Maior : But yet he is a Prentise .

Diuers are the calamities of some of my rancke , The Petition of the prentice and many the miseries they are exposed to , faring hardly , and labouring hardly : but such as will we are Gold must get it , they which will wynne honour must wage with many aduentures : He which thincketh to proffit must cashier the very thought of pleasure , Ryding with care and running with paine : Sitting with prouidence , and lying with consideration : Eating with frugality and drincking with moderation : Synce therefore honorable men must endeauour for Renowne : Learned men study for their knowledge : Richmen labour for their gaines : Tradesmen trauell for their Sciences : All men , ( which will liue like men in their age ) labour like beasts in their youth , vnles they haue Lands to trust to : My meaning is not to disparage learning , because it is hard to attaine dispraise honour , because it is difficult to get : discourage Prentises , because their beginnings are laborious : for I haue read that the base of Pernassus is full of briers , thornes , and thistles , but the toppe , plaine as heauen , & smooth as the Moones face . I haue heard that the steppes which ascend to honour , are like the staires which mount to the hight of a Maze , many and endles . The dores conducting thervnto , infinite , and intricate , but the top like the toppe of Olimpus , and the roomes pleasant , and spatious , garnished with more then mortal obiects . And I know by Experience that the skill and secrecy of mechanicall Artes , are not got ( like a loose woman ) at first sight . Neither will yeild any great proffit at first labouring , any more then a barrein ground at the first sowing , I doe not therefore Cauill with my calling , nor am pensiue for the paines I indure ; but the originall of all my sorrow is a Mistresse so peeuish , proude , petulant : oh si fas dicere . She came naked into the Citty and shall returne naked out of the citty , vnles she doe pennance with a white sheete pind about her when she is dead , as she deserueth now she liueth . Her Mother is very well knowne for a poore woman , but I thinke she neuer knew her father . My honest maister married her for loue , and had nought with her , and he is likely to haue nought so long as he hath her : yet she flaunteth with the finest , and gaddeth abroade with the giddiest : looketh for greater seruice then an Empresse ; and more duty then a Dutches : enuying all that are more brauely trapped then her selfe , and confederates with few , but such as are wantonly entrapped as she is . Her Wenches feele the weight of her light fingers , and we haue many a peale wrong about our eares too : We waite all the day to serue our maisters Chapmen , but when any of her Customers come , we are sent abroade on a sleeuelesse errand , and then what becomes of our maisters ware ? I doe now wish that some faire Chaunce may light vpon her , to rid my suspectlesse maister of so foule a mischiefe , both for his owne sake and welfare , and the future quietnesse of his trustie Seruants . But to all good Mistresses , whose conditions are contrary to hers , I do wish Fortune to poure vpon them the aboundance of her fauours .

The Prentise .

The Mal-content walketh along .

WEll said yong Prentise , The Male-content . Macte tua virtute puer , Sic itur ad astra . Procéed as thou hast begun , and doubt not to become a good Common weales-man , when thou hast gotten thée a bigger purse , a better office , and a larger beard . Another ioggeth along , spurning the pauement as if he were angry with it . For shame let not thine hat hang ouer thine eyes ? Dost thou dispaire of thy face , thou maskst it so with thy cloake ? hold vp thine head like a man : and pinne thy band thou slouen ; Button thy wrists , it is wholesome , and garter thy stockings it is hansome .

His thoughts ( said Opinion ) are as confused , The Opinion of the Male-content . as his apparell : he brableth with his starres , & brauleth at his creation : he wisheth the Caule which wrapped him in his mothers wombe , had bene his winding shéete : and he which breathed that Promotheon fire into him , had put it out . The welfare of others is his bane , and their ruine Balsamum to him : He thinks better of himselfe then he diserueth , and worse of others then they demerit : He preacheth that which he will not follow , & followes that which no true Christian will preach : his words are lightning , which though they alight vpon all , yet they fire few : what he thinketh , he bolteth out without charity . He wipeth vices taile with his tongue , and that is the reason his words are so vnsauory . He is like a bauling dog , that barks at all that gallops on horseback , when he goes a foote : like a mad dogge that snappeth at all that méete him : like a mastiffe that worrieth oftentimes such as come neare him . He is other mens foe , and none of his own friend : he disliketh both extreames , and thinketh meanely of the meane : he is a Misanthropos , which hateth men , a Narcissus which loueth not women , a Diogenes which carpeth at all , a malitious Mal-content .

If you tender the welfare of a Discontent , The Mal-contents Petition . whose perturbed Spirit , haunteth you in this white sheete , poure downe your disastrous accidents vpon the worlds wasters , disorders , vice , and villany . Say this Petition be preiudiciall to many : many haue stradled ouer the like style , and more would walke in the same path , were they not extruded and excluded . What rare Machiauils ( right matchlesse villaines ) how many be directed to the Barathrum of beggery , so they be mounted vppon the heauen of honour ? What remorse hath a reprobate who starue and want cloathing , so he be full fed , and gorgeously arrayed ? I am no Spaniell to fawne vpon men , nor little Puppy to licke the excrements of women . The Diuell domineereth like a great commander , and his souldiers march vnder the colour of honesty , which now a dayes is accounted like a strumpet , He which vseth it shal die a begger . Couetousnes is become a Tradesman , and Pride his wife . Drunkennes the onely sociable companion , & Lechery the sole good fellow : Gluttony is a great man , and Enuy a yonger brother : Sloth hath got a liuing : Oh Sodome , thou wast fired for thy sinnes , yet thy sinnes escaped , and range hic & vbique , Old Tyre , thou wast deiected , new tires are erected : Redit or bis in orbem . The Asse hath got on the Lions skin , lusty Harts cast their horns amongst the Faunes : Spiders make their Cobwebs in kings Courts : little Conyes vndermine huge Castles , and pull the wals vpon their owne heads : Omnium rerum vicissitudo . Freemen are become slaues : Rich men turnd beggers : Beggers changed to rich men , Asperius nihil est . Oh tempore , oh mores ! Beasts lie in houses , Serpents craule in corners , Cookes keepe in citties , Dawes in old Churches , Wag-tailes in great places : Saint Peters Vicar is turnd Myner , and doth trafficke with Salt-peeter ; Monstrum informe , ingens , cui lumen veraepietatis est ademptum .

The Mal-content .

The poore Scholler walketh by .

HE fisheth finely and is likely to catch Carpes , The poore Scholler . and powtings . But what Mounsier Male-goe is this , that commeth next , so displaying the fretted Tuffe-Taffity-facing of his thread bare cloake ? Cannot he walke vprightly like an honest man , but iet it so like a Iennet , and wagge his head to and frolike a Weathercocke ? Fie vpon it what Rusticall lagges he maketh like a Tennant , or a countrey Curate , which neuer came any nearer to an Uniuersity then Lincolne Minster . Odit prophanum vulgens , He is none of your Plebeians in his own conceit , but Apollos godson , christened in the Pirenean , or Hyporrenean fount , he is a common Souldiour vnder Mineruas ensigne , and fighteth like a Grammer scholler with Pen and Inkhorne .

Oh forbeare ( said Opinion ) doe not beray your owne nest , The Opinion of a poore Scholler . turne not student of the law , & forget your old Academicall associates : yet I thinke you speake not this out of malies to the parties , but of meere loue , that they séeing their foolish gates gibed at , may amend them : for theere are some of your peart Iuuenals , that mince it , as if they were citizens wiues : and yet I will not say that it procéedeth from any pride , or ouerwéening conceit in all that do so : but of an ill habit , which they haue gotten by a careles and fantasticall carriage . But let that passe , and i le shew you what this present Petitioner is : to wit , One which though he did neuer eate Porridge in the Innes of Court without a spoon● , yet he hath made foule shift to deuoure his dinner in a Colledge without a Trencher ; though he cannot carue a Capon without the helpe of a Cleauer , or vnlace a Rabbet like a cunning Caruer . Rostra disertus amat , yet he can eate rost well enough to please himselfe . He is a King in his owne conceit : and hath more in him then euery one can conceiue : He deserueth better fauour then the world affordeth him : and yet he hath as good fauor as any in the world which hath no better then he hath : How he hath bene estimated in former times , it bootes him not , yet he hath Bootes when he rideth , though he borrow them . To be short , and serious , he is reiected of fools , respected of the wise , held in disgrace among prophane , but in reuerent reputation with those , which are sincerely religious , Nothing regarded by the couetous and base minded churles , but greatly rewarded by the liberall and truly descended Gentilitie , a Scholler .

Would it not grieue that gentleman , The poore Schollers Petition . which had sold his signories , and spent the mony vpon hopes of preferment , and in fine , behold his inferiours aduanced , and himselfe obtaine no greater reward then faire promises and faithles protestations ? Would it not kill that Souldiers heart with grief , which when he had lost his limmes , and left his liuing for his Countreys good , returning feeble , and decrepit to his natiue Countrey , to be Caged , Stockt , and baited with Beadles ? And would it not pine that Scholler , and make him looke like the vicar of Saint Albones , that hath bene brought vp seuen yeares vnder the lanching lash of a left-handed School-master , & after that feed with 3. penny chops , & very singular beere in an Vniuersity , rose early , & watched late , Per tot discrimina rerum tendimus ad latium , thorough many troubles we attayne to Latine , and after all this , to be a poore Pen-an-Inck-horne wearer , a Pedagog , one that teacheth Schollers for 5. pence the weeke , and at the quarter day is glad to take choake-cheese , and barrell butter for the Summa Totalis : Proh deum , atque hominum fidem . Oh that some fellow which had but a little wit , and no wisdome , might trauerse this Parenthesis : Me thinke I apprehend him already how vnreasonably he would raile vpon the 7. liberall Sciences , wish Pernassus turn'd to a Molehill , & that Vulcan , when he claue Minerua out of Iupiters braine , had knockt out the braines too , because that he carrying the Muses , as familiars about him , should be pinched with want , when he knoweth many seruile groomes , whose qualities or dimentions are no way surpassing his , promoted from the stable to the table , from the table to the bed . But hoe there Signiour : Hee that can picke any thing out of a painted cloath , may perceiue by fortune painted muffled in a tree , throwing downe vpon some , Crownes : others , military weapons : some bagges of Gold , others Sackes of Salt : Some one thing , others another thing : Some must be Kings and ouerrule all , some must be Souldiers , and fight for their Countrey , some must be husbandmen , and digge commodity from the earth , some must be Astronomers , and plucke proffit from the starres : some must haue more then they can carry , and such are richmen : some must be men of good carriage , and can get little , & such are Porters : some must haue liuings enough be queathed them , and some must not haue so much as an haire left them : some must lead the world in a string , and some must leaue the world in a string : Quae cum ita sint ( oh most mutable ) I doe not grudge at my calamities , but the causes : Aueroas Maecenasses and dunsticall Dondegoes , which will allow a Scholler no more , that should waft them to heauen , then a Sculler that should cary them alongst the Theams , or any other hauens : Musas facientes Mulos : Making the Muses , Mules , Iades , or Hacknies : For suppose a Scholler ( like olde Byas ) carrieth all his Lands about him , be intertaynd into any of their houses , as many be : Though he be a good Gramarian , one that can chop Logick , and like the freshman , returning from Athens , make three egges of two , and his father eating the two , bad him take the third for his cunning : imagine he can pretty well in Philosophy naturall , and metaphisicall , tell halfe an hundreth lyes out of Pliny : hath some insight in Poetry , and if he had maintenance and countenance would be come a sound Practitioner in the deepest Science : This fellow for all this shal be lodged next the kitchin , where the Cookes , and sculles keepe such a scolding that they will take order for his studying : or in some ruynous roome , where his Masters Fathers Ghost is reported to walke : and Robin-good fellow and Hobgoblins , are said to play their fagayries in the night , so that he will take no rest for sleeping and all the day he shall spend himselfe poaring ouer my Lady Faynewoulds capable eldest : and three or foure froward ( I should say toward ) younger Brothers : for which turmoyles his yearely stipend shall be 5. markes , besides the Patrons , or the Widdowes countenance : Which may be so good that few Schollers hauing reasonable Noses in their faces , would be loath to haue it for fourty poundes . Now for his fare , it is lightly at the cheefest Table , but he must sit vnder the Salt , that is an Axiome in such places : and before he take his seat , Memorandum he haue two legs in store , one for the Maister , another for the Mistresse : Then hauing drawne his Knife leisurably , vnfoulded his Napkin mannerly , after twice or thrice wyping his Beard ( if he haue it ) he may reach the Bread on his Knifes point , and fall to his porridge and betweene euery Sponefull take as much deliberation , as a Capon cramming ( least he be out of his porridge before they haue buried part of their first course in their Bellyes ) And at the second seruice ( if there be any such hot seruice ) the refuse of the former shall be set before him , but oftentimes like a rifled Souldier , hauing not so much as a good peece left , or like the picture of death , all bones , which putteth him in minde to decline bonus , bona , bonum : but this must be vnderstood to happen at an hunting dinner , or after he hath whipped his eldest Scholler , for so long as my young Maister liketh his Scholemaister , and may take no farther at his lesson , then he list , his mother will be most respectiue , but if he once contradict him , and printe winger vpon his posteriors , then laments are raisd , there is an insurrection amongst the pen-boys Peter Prouin the horse-keeper will doe Zauods that he will . The Cooke will put poison in his porridge , or worke him some other mischiefe , if he durst : then enters the Fleire , like the Chorus in a Tragedy , and telleth all . The mother like a tender hearted Auditor , pittieth the Scene , busseth her boy , and telleth him he shall be beaten no more , No , that he shall not . Thus doth the olde foole hugge young lackanapes , till she spoile him : yet heere is not the full Catastrophe , for she will neuer rest till she haue lifted him out of her house , and will haue another in his roome , it maketh no matter what he be , so he will not whippe her boy and serue for little wages , he will serue the turne : I mary , this maketh so many wilde youthes , and wise aged men : When the earth is not well manured , tilled and ploughed , it is rancke , and sterile , and where youth wanteth nurture , age is ignorant , and ill mannered . The Beare by licking her whelpes bringeth them into some forme , but many mothers by lolling their children turne them out of all good fashion . The loue of Parents towards them children is naturall and not to be blamed , but this Cockering is fond , and hurtfull : Waxe being softe , will suffer any impression , and children being young are as capable of goodnes , if they be trayned vp therafter : as they are prone to knauery without any great inducements . The Colt at first backing will curuet , and winch , but after he hath chancked the bit a while , and felt the Spurre in his side , he becometh more tractable : Not an Hedgeplasher but can say , he which will haue a thorne , must cut a thorne , and if they would haue these tender plantes to proue godly Columnes in the Commonwealth , let them be lopt , and dressed in drie season : let them be carefully tutored , and encouraged by faire meanes , and reasonable recreation : If that will not worke with them , vse a stronger potion : Qui non vult , duci , debet , trahi , He that will not goe gently , must be dragged vncourteously : The tranquill gouernement of our commonwealth doth sufficiently manifest , how much our Land is blessed with a thrice worthy King : prouident Counsell , vpright Iudges , learned and well educated Gentlemen , zealous Diuines , any cunning Lawiers enow , yet it may be obserued in some places where many are congregated about publique affaires , others shuffled in , which whilst the others are poising the weightiest matters , sit like Cyphers , and if any question be put vnto them . Obmutuerunt ; Putas ne verbum potuisse proloqui : They can tell the Clocke dandle their gloues , or play with their forepoints , their Mothers taught them those Lessons , when they satte playing with them vpon their Knees : They thinke they pleasure their Countrey , if they vouchsafe their presence , and grace themselues , if they put of the hatte hansomely , and nod the head with a Clowdy countenance , as who would say , it is an hard case , but Verbum non amplius : And what is the cause of this , but whilst the one kept close at their bookes both at home and abroad in the Vniuersity and Innes of Court , the other were yalping after a Kennel of Hounds , in their youth , or whoping at an Owle in an Iuy-bush . Their parents would not be at the cost to maintaine a good Scholler to traine them vp ▪ nor their Mothers suffer them to indure any hardenesse , or labour : without which true knowledge cannot be attained : And as many of these are carelesse for the well educating of their children : So most of them are supine and negligent of themselues . What careth the couetous Patron , so he can compound to his contentement : Be he one of Bale Priests , or a bald Priest , if he can read the Authorised Seruice : Be he of what Tribe he will , if he can hoble ouer an homily with a weekes warning : As for monethly Sermons , it is but greasing a Parater ; and the Churchwarden , is his Tennant : he will be sworne on a booke to an omne bene : Infoelix oh semper ouis . Too many places are full of such , which are more meete to be fishermen , then fishers of men , and fitter to catch soales , then , soules , which either behaue themselues like the dogge in the Manger , which neither would eat hay himselfe , nor suffer the beast : Which either keepe the childrens bread from them , or if they giue them any , they doe so mouth it , and mangle it , that it becommeth most loathsome , comming from such filthy hands , and handling , which I wish were otherwise , that the pouerties of poure Schollers might be pittied , their Petitions preferred , their fortunes bettered , & what is amisse , might be amended .

The poore Scholler .

The Scholler hath frustrated my expectation ( said I ) for I did expect he should haue wished ill lucke to light vpon his enemies as the others haue . Touching his speech I durft auerre it to be true : For drones driue out the Bees , and the wolues in sheeps cloathing werry the Lambes : They take the tythes , though they take not the paines . Amongst all which I thinke it reason , that that Parson should haue tyth porridge , which out of the heat of a good stomacke ( I iudge it was ) taught his parishioners wiues in a quarterly Sermon fower wayes to heele a pot , when it began to seeth ouer : A right worthy domesticall Chaplin for Helihogabalus , yet if yow marke , it is a profitable dish of doctrine , for unlesse it be fellowed , all the fat is in the fire : But how now ? who commeth next ? There are many Petitioners behinde . How chaunce they steppe not forward ? I perceiue the Beadle is angry , and will suffer no more to be preferred or brought into the Citty , till answer be made to the rest that are already exhibited .