The penniles parliament of threed-bare poets: or, All mirth and wittie conceites

Heere beginneth the Penniles Parliament of threed-bare Poets .

FIrst of all , for the increase of euery Foole in his humour , wee thinke it necessarie & conuenient , that all such as buyes this Booke , and laughes not at it before he hath read it ouer , shall be condemned of Melancholy , and be adiudged to walke ouer More-fieldes twise a weeke in a foule Shirt , and a payre of Bootes , but no Stockinges .

It is also agreed vpon , that long Bearded men shall seldome prooue the wisest ; and that a Niggards purse shall scarce bequeath his Maister a good Dinner : and because Water is like to prooue so weake an element in the world , that men and women will want Teares to bewayle their sinnes , wee charge and commaunde all Gardners to sow more store of Onions , for feare Widdowes should want moysture to bewayle their Husbandes Funerals .

In like maner we thinke it fit , that Red-wine should be drunke with Oysters : and that some Maydens shall blush more for shame , then for shamefastnes : But men must haue care , least conuersing too much with Red-Petticoates , they bannish their Haire from their heads , and by that meanes , make the poore Barbers beggers for want of worke . 〈…〉 that shall know his owne father .

I● shall be lawfull for some to haue a Pal●e in their 〈◊〉 such 〈◊〉 , as they shall ●have more then 〈…〉 they 〈…〉 Pay for 〈…〉 , as they shall 〈…〉 in other 〈◊〉 Wife from their 〈◊〉 some such a stopping in their Hearts , as they shall be vtterly obstinate to receiue Grace : some such a 〈◊〉 in their 〈◊〉 as they shall be enemies to good counsell some such 〈…〉 Moses , as no Feast shall escape without their Companies : and some shall be so Needy , as neither Young Heyres shall get their owne , nor poore Orphans their Patrimonie .

Also , it is 〈◊〉 and Decreed , that some shall be so 〈…〉 , as they cannot Step but 〈…〉 some so cons●ed in 〈◊〉 , as they shall keepe neuer a good thought to blesse themselues : some so disguised in purse , as they 〈◊〉 it fatall to 〈◊〉 one Penny to buy their dinners on Sundayes : some so 〈…〉 , as they cou●t wrong fast ●ea●ing the 〈…〉 of their occupation .

But amongst other Lawes & Statutes by vs heere establishes , we thinke it most necessary and conuenient , that Pou●… shall kill 〈…〉 Poultry by custome , thou their . 〈…〉 May●es can sell with a Good Conscience : also it is ordered and agreed vpon , that B●ke●s , Woodmongers , But thers , & Bre●●ers , shall fall to a mighty Conspiracie , so that no Man shall either haue Bread , Fire , Meat , or Drinke , without c●●dite or ready Mony .

Sicaphants by the Statute shall haue great giftes , and Good and Godly Labours shall scarce be worth thanks : it is also thought necessary , that Maides about midnight shall see wondrous visions , to the great hart-griefe of their Mothers .

Furthermore it is marked & set downe , that if Lawyers plead poore mens causes without mony , westminster Hall shall grow out of custome , to the great impovershing of al Nimmers , Lifters , & Cutpurses . Those that sing bases shall loue good drinke by authority : and Trumpeters that sound trebles shall stare by custome : Women that weare long Gownes , may lawfully rayse oust in March : and they that keepe a Temperate Dyet shall neuer die on surfets .

In like manner it shall be Lawfull for Saylors and Souldiers , to spend at their pleasures , what they get by their Sword : and if the Treasurer pay them any thing beyond count and reckoning , if they buyld not an Hospitall therewith , they may Bestow it in Apparrell by the statute .

It is further established and agreed vpon , that they that drinke too much Spanish Sacke , shall about Iuly be serued with a Fiery faces : but Oh you Ale-knightes , you that deuour the Marrow of the Mault , and Drinke whole Aletubs into Consumptions ; that sing Queene Dido ouer a Cup , and tell Strang Newes ouer an Ale pot : how vnfortunate are you , who shall Pisse out that

It is further agreed vpon and establish , that many strange euents shall happen in those houses , where the Mayde is predominant with her Maister , and wants a Mistresse to looke narrowly vnto her .

Also we thinke it conuenient , that some shall take , their Neighbours bed for their owne : some the seruant for the Maister : and ( if Candles could tell tales ) some will take a Familiar for a flea . Also we thinke it meete , that there should be many Fowlers , who in stead of Lackes will each Lobcokes : and many for want of wit shall sell their Freehold for Tabacco pipes , and red petticoats . Likewise we thinke it conuenient that there should be many Takers ; some would be taken for wise men , who indeed are very Fooles : for some will take crake Angels of poore debters , and a quart of Malmesie when they cannot get a pottle .

But stay a while , whether are we carried , leauing the greatest Lawes vnpublished , and establishing the lesse ; therefore we enact and ordaine as a necessary Statute , that there shall great contentions fall betweene Souldiers and Archers , and if the fray be not desided at a p●t of Ale and a blacke Pudding , great bloodshed is like to ensue : for some shall maintaine that a Turke can be hit at twelue score Pricks in Fiendsbury fields , Ergo , the bow and shafts wan Bullen : other shall say that a Pot-gun is a dangerous weapon against a Mudwall , and an enemy to the painters worke : amongst these controuersies wee will send forth our commission to God Cupid , being an Archer , who shall deside the doubt , and prooue that Archery is Heauenly , for in meditation thereof , he hath lost his eyes .

Oh gentle fellow Souldiers , then leaue your controuersies if you loue a Woman , for I will proue it , that a Mince Pie is better than a Musket ; and he that dare gaine-say me , let him meete me at the Dagger in Cheape with a Case of Pewter-Spoones , and I will answeare it : and if I proue not that a Mince-pie is the better Weapon , let me Dine twice a Weeke at Duke Humpheries table .

It is furthermore established , that the foure 〈◊〉 at the Cardes , shall sodainely leape from out the bunch , and Desperately Pranke about the new Play-house , to seeke out their old Maister Captaine Crop-eare : also it is thought meete , that some men ( in these daies ) shall be polliticke beyond reason , and write more in one line , then they can proue in an age .

Furthermore it shall be Lawfull for some to Study which way they may walke to get them a Stomacke to their meat , whilst other are as carefull to get meat to put in their bellies : likewise there shall be great persecution in the Common-meale of Kitchin-fees , so that some desperate Woman shall boyle , try , and seeth poore tallow to the generall commoditie of all the whole company of Tallow Chandlers .

Alas , alas , how are we troubled to thinke on these dangerous times ? for Taylors , by Act of Parliament may Lawfully inuent new fashions : and he that takes Irish Aquauite by the Pint , may by the law stumble without offence , and breake his Face : and it shall be thought conuenient , that some be so desperat bent , as they shall goe into my Lord Maiors Buttery when all the Barrels be full , without either Sword or Dagger about them : many Men shall be so Ventrously giuen , as they shall go into Petty-coate lane , and yet come out againe as honestly as they went first in .

In like manner it shall be lawfull for Tems Water to Clense as much as euer it did in times past : and if the Brewers of London buy store of good Mault , poore Burgemen at Queene-hiue shall haue a whole Quart for a penny : Saint Thomas Onions shall be sold by the rope at Billinsgate by the Statute : and Semsters in the Exchange shall become so Contionable , that a man without offence , may Buy a Falling Band for twelue pence .

It shall be lawfull for Smithes to loue good Ale , and if it be possible to haue a Frost of three weekes long in Iuly , men shall not be afraide of a good ster at Midsommer : Porters Baskets shall haue authority to hold more then they can Honestly Carry away : and such a Drought shall come amongst Cans at Bartholmew Faire in Smithfeeld , that they shall neuer continue long filled .

The Images in the Temple Chuch ( if they rise againe ) shall haue a Commission to digge downe Cha●ing Crosse with their Fauchions : and Millers by Custome shall haue small mind to Morning Prayer , if the Winde serue them in any Corner on Sundaies : Those that goe to Warres and can get nothing , may 〈◊〉 Home Poore by Authority : and those that Play fast and loose with womens Apron-stringes , may chaunce make a iourney for a Winchester Pidgion : for preuention thereof , drinke euery morning a draught of Noli me tangere , and by that meanes , thou shalt bee sure to escape the Physitions Purgatorie .

But amongst all other Decrées and Statutes by ●s héere set downe , wée ordaine and commaund , that thrée thinges ( if they bée not parted ) euer to continue in perpetuall amitie , that is a Lo●se in an olde Doublet , a painted Cloath in a Painters shop , and a Foole and his Bable .

Furthermore it shall be lawfull for Bakers to thriue by two thinges : that is , Scores well payde , and Millers that are honest .

Phisitions by other mens harmes , and Churchyardes by often Burials .

Also , wee thinke it necessarie for the Common-wealth , that the Sammon shall be better soulde in Fish-stréete , thou the Beere shall be at Willinsgate .

And Hartes-ease amongst the company of Hearbewines , shall be worth as much money as they can get for it by Statute .

It is further enacted and agreed vpon that th●se that runne foure score Myle a foote on a Winters day shall haue a sore thirst about seauen of the clocke in the euening .

And such as are inclined to the Dropsie , may be lawfully cured , if the Phisitions know how .

Also wée ordaine & appoint , that ( if there be no great store of Tempestes ) two halfee-peny loaues shall be sold for a penny in White-chappell .

Chaueers Bookes ( by act of Parliament ) shall in these dayes , prooue more wittie then euer they were before : for there shall so many sodaine , or rather sodden Wittes steppe abroad , that a flee shall not friske foorth , vnlesse they cemment on her .

O what a detestable trouble shall be among women about foure score and ten yeares olde , for such as haue more Téeth about them , then they can well vse , shal die for age , if they liue not by miracle .

Also it shall be lawfull for Bées , if the Sommer shew not , to goe on Pilgrimage , and fly so farre in one day , as who so sets vp a land marke wheye the first light , shall come to vs and haue a pound waight of Gold for his diligence and labour .

Moreouer , wee thinke it necessarie , that those that haue two eyes in their head , shall sometimes stumble : and they that can neither write nor read may as boldly forsweare themselues , as they that can .

And it shall be lawfull for Almanacke makers , to tell more lyes then true tales .

And they that goe to Seas without Victuals , may suffer peunurie by the Statutes .

In like manner , it shall be lawfull for any man to carry about him more Golde then Iron : if hee can get it ?

But they that are giuen to sullen complexion ( if they be Females ) must be more circumspect : for if they repent their hidden sinnes too much , they may chaunce catch heauen for their labour .

Therefore let Maydens take heede how they fall on their backes least they catch a fourtie weekes fauour .

And he that hath once married a Shrew and by good chaunce burie her , beware how hee come into the stocks againe .

Further it shall be lawfull for those that be Rich , to haue many Friendes : And they that bee Poore , may by authoritie kéepe Money , if they can get it honestly .

Also , wée commaund and charge all such as haue no Conscience , to doe their worst , least they die in the Diuels debt : As for the rest they that haue more money then they néed may helpe their poore Neighbours , if they will .

In like manner it shal be lawfull for such as are subiect to her that Rewmes to drinke cold drinke . And those that haue a minde to inrich Phisitions , to be neuer without diseases .

Also , Souldiers that haue no meanes to thriue by playne dealing , may by the Statute swallow downe an ounce of the strro● of Suttletie euery morning : And if they cannot thriue that wayes , wée thinke it necessarie , that foure times in the yeare , they goe a fishing on Salisburie plaine .

Furthermore , for the benefite and encrease of foolish Humours , wee thinke it necessarie , that those our deare friends which are sworne true Seruitours to womens Pantables , should haue this order set downe , that you suite your selues handsomely against Goose feast : and if you meete not a faire Lasse betwixt Paules & Stratford , that day , wee will bestow a new suite of Satten vpon you , so you will beare all the charges .

But as for your deare firendes and Schollers , thus much wee fauour you , for you shall dine vpon Wit by authoritie : and if you pay your Hostesse well : it is no matter though you score it vp till it come to a good round summe .

In like manner , it shall be lawfull for Maydes milke to be good Phisicke for ●●b'd heeles : and a cup of Sacks to bedward , a present Remedy for the Rhewme ,

Such as are sicke in the Spring , may take Phisicke by the Statute : And those that are cold , may weare more Clothes , without offence .

It is best to ride , in long iourneyes , least a man bee wearie with going a foote : And more comely to goe in broken stockings , then bare legged .

Further it shalt be lawfull for some to be leaue , because they cannot be 〈◊〉 .

Some by the Statute , shall loue 〈◊〉 p●ssing well , because they can come by no other meales and other some super it with an Egge at dinner , that dare a manfully set vpon a shoulder of Veale in the after●… .

Some shall be sad when they want Money : and in loue with Widowes rather for their wealth , then their honesties .

It is also thought necessarie , that some shall suspect their Wiues at home , because they themselues play false abroad .

And some loue Bowling Allies better then a Sermon .

But aboue all other thinges , Spirits with Aprons shall much disturbe your sléepes about midnight .

Furthermore , it shall be lawfull for him that marries without Money , to finde foure bare Legges in his Bed : And hée that is too prodigall in spending , shall die a begger by the Statute .

In like manner wée thinke it necessarie , that he that is plagued with a curst wife , to haue his pa●● broke quarterly , as he payes his rent .

Likewise , hee that delights in subtiltie , may play the Knave by custome : And hee that hath his complexion and courage spent , may eate Mutton on Fasting dayes by the Lawe .

And to conclude , since there are ten Precepts to bee obserued in the Arte of Scoulding , wee humbly take our leaue of Duke Humfries Ordinarie , and he take vs to the Chappell of Ill Counsaile where a quart or two of ●ne Trinidado , shall arme vs against the Gun-shot of Tonge-mettle , and kéepe vs safe from the assaults of Sir Iohn Find-fault , Vale , my deare Friends , till my next returns .

FINIS .