A merrie Iest , of a Blind man and a Cripple .

THere were two Beggers ( I meane not of the Court , but meaner creatures of the Citie ) that had no meanes to kéepe life and limbes together , but by the charitable almes of exorable people , the one being youthfull and blind , the other very aged and lame , ( and such persons are seldome admitted into the great chamber much lesse into the Kings presence . ) This blindman alwaies when he went abroad , carried the cripple on his shoulders to direct him , so likewise the cripple opprest with his infirmities , could not trauell without supportance . Now it was the lame mans lucke one day about one of the clock after dinner , being borne by his blind fellow through Fléetstréete , to cast his eye on a great Oyster , which lay on the ground néere the Miter doore . where some Oyster seller sitting ( as their custome is ) belike had let it fall from her basket : and therupon he directed his fellow porter to stoope and take it vp , which done they fell into controuersie about it , the one saying he deserued it best , because hee saw it and guided the others hand to it ; the other answered , that he had most right to it , because he brought him thither & tooke the paines to take it vp : and while they were thus wrangling , a poore Lawyer comming out of Ram alley with his seacole beard embrodered with grease like the snowt of a Mastiue , new lifted out of the porredge pot , and vnderstanding the cause of their falling out ; my honest friends ( quoth my Lawyer ) pray let me sée your Oyster , and you shall sée me quickly end this variance , the blind man deliuered the shelfish vnto the Lawyer , who hauing fingred it , forthwith drew forth his rusty whittle , laid the Seabred animal vpon his knée , and diuiding his house into two parts , gaue the one to the blind , the other to the lame , and deuoured the inhabitant himselfe : the old cripple séeing that , cried out , now the Deuill goe with it , and the Lawyer remoued himselfe into the Tauerne from his eye and clamors . Wherupon the blind lame bearer being aduertised of the iest , wisht it might poyson or choake him . and so departed , So Lawyers often get their gold with curses , and to their Clients share , leaues empty purses .

A tale of a Scriuener of London and a Countreyman .

IT fell out vpon a Satterday , being market day , that a Country fellow , of the better sort of husbandry , came to London , to lay out a little money vpon some necessarie trinkets : and hauing dispatched his busines , after he had pretely refreshed his spirits with a pot of the best that the Ale-house could afford him , made homewards very merily ; but by the way , casting his eye , by chance , vpon a kind of writer , that would haue kept a Scriueners shop , and séeing the master of the poore house , or the poore master of the house , sitting alone in a rugge gowne , wrapping in his armes , to auoyd the bitternesse of the weather , minding to make himselfe a little sport , fell thus to salute the poore Pen-man : I pray you master , what might you sell in your shop , that you haue so many ding-dongs hang at your doore ? Why , my friend , quoth the Obligation-maker , I sel nothing but Logger-heads . By my fay , master , quoth the Country man , you haue made a faire market with them , for you haue left but one in your shop , that I sée : and so laughing , went his way , leauing much good sport to them that heard him .

A pretty Tale of a poore man and a Lawyer .

A Poore man hauing béene much iniured by an vnkind neighbour , who by the power of his purse would haue put him by the right of his land , went to a Lawyer dwelling not farre off , to whom hauing deliuered his griefe , hee gaue litte for his Counsell , but a great many thankes , and country curtesies , with God saue his life , and so forth : intreating him to let him know , when hee should againe wait vpon him for his further aduise . Who answered him somewhat short , When you will neighbour , when you will . The poore man , vpon this when you wil , came oftentimes afterward to him , but found no will in him to speake with him , Whereupon the poore man telling his wife of his ill hap , was aduised by her to take one of his best lambes , and present it vnto him , and then hée should sée what would follow : her counsell he followed , tooke his lambe , and went to the Lawyer : to whose gate hee was no sooner come , but the Lawyer hearing the bleating of the lambe , opening his window , called him vp , and within two words told him hee vnderstood his case , and all should be well : wherwith he departed , méeting with his wife going to the market . After they had béene at the Alehouse , and taken a pot or two , the poore man got him vp into the market place : and there hauing his throat well cleared made this mad out-crie : All ye that haue any matters to trie in law , get yee euery one a fat lambe , and cary to your Lawyer : for one word of a lambes mouth will be better vnderstood of the Lawyer , and doe more good , then twenty of your owne . Probatum .

Of a Citizen of London , that ●id out of the 〈◊〉 fiue miles .

A Citizen riding to Edmonton , had his man following him on foot , who came so neare , that the horse slrake him a great blow on the thigh . The fellow thinking to be reuenged , tooke vp a great stone to throw at the horse , and hit his master on the raynes of the backe . Within a while his master looked backe , and séeing his man come halting so farre behind , chid him . Sir , your horse hath giuen me such a blow , quoth his man on the thigh , that I can goe no faster . Truely said his master , the horse is a great kicker , for likewise with his héele right now , he gaue me a great stroke on the raynes of my backe : when it was his man that threw the stone .

A pretie tale of a Complaynant , that cryed to a Iudge for iustice , yet refused it when it was offered him .

ONe Dromo a certaine Tiler , sitting vpon the ridge of a house , laying on certaine roofe tiles , looking back , and reaching somewhat too farre for a little morter , that lay by him , fell backward , and by good hap fell vpon a man , that was sitting vnder the house , whome with his fall he brused to death , but thereby saued his owne life . Not many dayes after , a sonne of the dead mans , caused this man to bee apprehended for murther , and hauing him before the Iudge , cried vnto him for Iustice : who asking of the prisoner , what he could say for himselfe , receiued this answere , Truely Sir , I neuer thought the man any hurt , neither did I thinke to fall : but since it was my hap to hit vpon him to saue my life , if it please your Lordship , I am contented that hee shall haue Iustice : for my selfe , I had no malice to his father , though I sée hee hath a great deale to me : let him doe his worst , I care not , I aske no fauour : let him goe vp to the top of the house , where I sate , and I will sit where his Father sate , let him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can , and fall vpon mee to saue his life , I will bee contented . The Iudge séeing the mans Innocency , in intent of any euill to the man , whome hee had slaine , willed the Complaynant to take this course for his contentment : which hee refusing , was dismissed the Court , and the Prisoner thus by his witte released .

How a Merchant lost his purse betweene Waltam and London .

A Marchant that trauelled betwéene Ware and London , lost his budget , wherein was a hundred pound , who caused to proclaime in all villages and market townes , that who so had found the same , and would restore it againe , should haue twenty pounds for his paines . An honest husbandman that chanced to find it , brought it to the Baylife of Ware , and required his twenty pounds for his paines , when he deliuered it . When the couetous Marchant vnderstood this , and that he must néedes pay twenty pound for the finding of it , hee said , there was an hundred and twenty pound in the Budget , and so would haue had his owne money , and twenty pound ouer . So long they stroue , that the matter was brought before a Iustice . When the Iustice vnderstood by the Baylife , that the crie was made for a Budget with an hundred pound in it , he demaunded where it was ? Héere ( quoth the Baylife ) and gaue it him . Is it iust an hundred pound ( quoth the Iustice ? ) Yes ( quoth the Baylife . ) Hold ( quoth the Iustice ) to him that found the budget , take thou this money to thy vse , and if thou happen to finde a budget with a hundred and twenty pound , bring it to this honest Marchant man . It is mine , I lost no more but a hundreth pound ( quoth the Marchant . ) You speake now too late ( quoth the Iustice ) for your couetousnesse hath beguiled your selfe .

A Iest , sauing your reuerence , worth the laughing at .

IN a Citie , I find not where , met a company , I know not who , and about I know not what , but after that they had laid their heades together , to conclude vpon a thing of nothing , as the vse is of such kind of people , fearing to surfet of fasting , they got them to dinner , where , when their bellies were full of Wine , their braines set their tongues to worke about wonders : and hauing made a great noise to little purpose , they fell to questioning among themselues , what was the rarest thing in the world . One , hee said the Phenix , because there was but one , and she killed herselfe , and liued againe of her owne ashes . Another saide , A Diamond , because it would write in glasse . Another said , A Parrat , because it would speake like a man . Another said ▪ A true friend , the world was so ful of falshood . Another said , Gold , for that it wrought wonders in the world . And another said , Loue , because it robbed wise men of their wits . But while they did thus differ in their opinions , one plaine Asse-headed foole , being willing to say his mind , vpon a sudden falling into a laughing , told them they were all wide : for he knew a rarer thing then al they : which they desiring to know , he told them it was a swéetarse hole . Whereat euery one holding themselues by the nose , left off their talke , and laughing at the foole , rose from the table .

A Parson being summoned to appeare personally at London to answere vnto diuers faults by him Committed .

A Parson of Bedfordshyre being summond to appeare personally in the Spiritual Court at London , because contrary to the exhortation of Saint Paule , he had committed fornication , or in plaine English had gotten a wench with child : for fornication is deriued of the Latine word Fornicatio , and Latine he was little acquainted with : as many are of his function in Country Villages , where the Shepheard must pipe a plaine song , or the Sheepish flocke can neuer dance to it , being better Lanists then Latinists . This illiterate parson being Cited ( I say ) to shew his proper person in this courte of Carnalitie obeyd the officers Citation , and considering with himselfe that he should vse and expend good store of money in bribes , I would say , necessarie fées : when this day of doome drew néere , he tooke the summe of twenty pound of lawfull English money ( as the Scriueners phrase is ) out of his yron-garded chest , and causd it to be sowd vp in a Gooses belly in stead of her intrails , of which with her head wings and feathers shee was lately depriued , and so sent it sow'd fast in an old Napkin full of holes to the Carrier , that he séeing the coate might not suspect the lining , and gaue his man this lesson also , that hee should giue the Carrier , great charge of it , and enforme him that it was only a Goose with the appurtenance , hoping by that fabulous information , to be merry with his Goose at London , paying only for the Carriage of that Goose , and so receiue his twenty pound scot-frée . Now , his man went and carried the Goose to the carrier with spéech agréeable to his masters direction , the Carrier tooke it , and perceiuing by the ponderousnesse or strang weight , that there was more then a bare Goose in the cloth ; concealed his suspition , promising that it should be safely conueied . And thereupon the seruant returned to his master . To be short the Parson with his man within a few daies after being come to London , hee sent his man to fetch this counterfeit commoditie , his man went and demanded it of the Carrier offering a groat for the carriage . The Carrier holding it a presumptuous part to rip open the cloth and take a large view of the contents , told the fellow , that one of the Kings Takers met him on the way , and tooke it away with many other things of other mens . The Parsons messenger being loaden with this coynd answere ranne backe and made his master a partaker of it , his master being almost astonied at so cold and vnexpected a message , yet stird vp with furious wrath , and feare of such a losse , started from his chaire where he sate , meditating vpon his transgression , and throwing his cloake nastely vpon his shoulders ( the wrong side outward ) ran out of doores like an Oxe that had broke loose from the Axe of the Butcher , and neuer discontinued his course till he came to the Inne where encountring the Carrier hee demaunded his goose , offering a groat for the carriage , alas Sir ( quoth the Carrier ) the goose ( sauing your worship ) was as I told your man , taken from mee by the Kings taker . By the Kings taker ? ( quoth the Parson ) the Kings taker & thou his partaker I beléeue , haue done more then is answerable , there was twenty pounds of good new coyned siluer , in the birds belly , and though hée seasd on the one , he had no commission to meddle with the other ; t is plaine robbery to take money from a man by the Kings highway , runne fellow ( quoth hee to his man ) fetch me the Cunstable ; I le indite the taker , and haue the Carrier before a Iustice in the meane time , to be forth comming against him . The Carrier hearing his threats and thundring words , stept into his warehouse and bringing forth the Goose ( quoth he ) to the passionate Parson . Sir , behold here is your Goose which I thus long detein'd , that you might not make me your Goose , and now bee it knowne vnto your worship , that I must and will haue a groat in the pound for the carriage of your money , with a groat for the Goose , and then you may take it to your selfe . So to end this difference , the Parson glad and mad to heare and sée this euent , glad that his money was so néere his fingring , and mad that the Carrier had so deceiued and ouer-reached his intent , neuerthelesse séeing he had no meanes to saue a little money without the losse of much more ; with a resolute heigh-ho he told out seuen shillings to the Carrier , and vpon payment thereof receiuing the Goose he cut it vp , as the Hangman did Hacket , iust in the belly , & drawing forth the siluer garbage , he fell with his man to numeration , vowing that if he found a round cros●e imbeslled , the Carrier should answere his knauery déerely , but the Dice running euen , he put vp the mony into his flesh bagge againe , and left the Carrier with many others laughing at his hard fortune .

Of one excusing a backe-wind .

A Sturdy Sayler being in cheapside amongst the throng of people , when the Lord Mayor &c. came from Westminster , was thrust and crowded so hard , that with ouer-labouring to get out into an easier place , hee let out a great Fart . A poore Cittizen standing néere reprooued him for it , to which he repli'd , fore god honest man my arse hath had a great desire of late to speake , he wants nothing but thy tongue .

How cunningly a knaue deuised to get money by his wit , for himselfe and his three companions .

THrée loytring companions that fell in company together , dominéerd so long , that all their money was consumed and gone . So being penilesse , said one of them , By my faith , wee are now in a faire taking : for we may , if wee will , séeke our dinner with Duke Humphrey . Nay , Zounds ( quoth the second ) If I come where any presse of people he , I can get money enough for vs all . Sblood , and I ( quoth the third ) can lightly assemble people . They were at that time not passing two miles from a small towne in Barkshire , where , when they came , there was a new Pillory set vp , where the third of them steps to the Baylife , and desires him to haue the Maiden-head of their new Pillory . The Baylife being a Butcher , was halfe amazed , and standing musing ▪ at last he asked counsell of his neighbours , and they bad him set vp the knaue and spare not . So vp he went , and when hee was vp , hee looked about , and saw his two fellowes busie in the holes of the Butchers aprons , where they put all their money . To it , to it ( quoth he ) apace . The people laughed hartely to sée him stand there . At last , when hee saw that his fellowes had sped their matters , and were going away , he said to the Baylife , Turne the Pillory about , and now I will come downe . So laughing hartely did . And when he was come downe , the Baylife said , Now by my faith thou art a good fellow , and because thou hast made vs some sport , I will giue thée a Tester to drinke : and so thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron , he found there neuer a penny . Cocks armes ( quoth the Baylife ) my money is picked out of my apron : and then the rest of the Butchers beside swore they had lost theirs also . I hope ( quoth the fellow ) you do not thinke that I haue it . No , by my troth ( quoth the Baylife ) I know wel enough thou hast it not : for thou wert on the pillory all the while ▪ Why , then no harme , no force ( quoth the fellow ) and so went his wayes .

How one at Kingstone fained himselfe dead , to trie what his wife would doe .

IN Kingstone dwelt one Rawlins , newly married , which to prooue what his wife would doe , fained himselfe dead , while she was in the back-side , washing of her clothes , and laid himselfe all along the flowre . Wherupon his wife comming sodainely in , thought that he had béen dead indéed : but hauing laboured hard all the day , and being sore an hungred , she stood musing with herselfe , wether it were best to lament his death , or to dine first : which motion of eating liked her best : wherupon she cut two or thrée collops of salt Bacon , and broyled them on the coales , and eate them vp : and being very hungry she forgot to drinke , but the saltnes of the meat at last made her throat so harsh , that she tooke a pot and went to draw some drinke : but one of her neighbors comming suddenly in , made her set downe her pot , and as if her husband had but new falne downe , she began to lament so heauily , & with such a noise , that al the neighbors came running in , where they found her most pitifully bewailing the sudden death of her husband . Whereupon they beganne to comfort her , and told her she must be content , for there was now no remedy . Alas said she , Oh my swéet husband what shall I doe ? At which words , her husband lift vp his head , and saide , Full ill , my swéet wife , except you goe quickly and drinke : for the salt bacon I am sure hath almost choked you .

A knauish answere of an vnhappy country wench to a foolish young fellow .

A Certaine Idle headed young man , that loued to heare himselfe speake , though it were of matter to little purpose , riding vpon a faire day to a market towne , ouer tooke by chance , among other creatures of her owne kind , an indifferent well fauoured and well growne country wench , whom singling by her selfe as much as hee could , hee fell to commune with , in an odde maner of loue making , when beginning very low , marking her new shod féete , hanging ouer her dossers , beganne with this commendation : Truely sister , you haue a very fine foote there . Yea sir ( quoth the wench ) that I haue a couple . The yong man thinking to shew some little wit , in a scoffe replied with this speach . But are they twinnes , sister ? were they both borne at one time ? No indéed sir ( quoth the wench ) there hath béen a man borne betwixt them . Wherewith her neighbours that rod by her , falling into a laughing , made him find , that she was a married wife : which being contrary to his expectation , being much troubled with her answere , with lack of wit to reply , galloped away with a flea in his eare .

A flowting answere to a flowting question .

A Poore man , vpon a time comming into a market with a very leane horse , setting him néere vnto a company of fat and faire Geldings to bee sold , was asked of a scoffing companion , how he sold his horse by the ell ? Which the poore man taking something discontentedly and yet not willing to quarrell with him , made him an answere fit for his question : when holding vp his horses taile , I pray you sir ( quoth he ? ) come into the shop , and you shall sée .

A warning for tale-tellers .

I Reed in the records of a certaine schoole , where faults were reckoned vp all the wéeke , to be paid vpon the Satterday , that an vnhappy boy , willing to haue one of his fellowes tast of such schoole-butter , as hee had often broke his fast with , one morning came to his master with this speach . Truely sir you haue often beaten me for looking off from my booke , and such a one scapeth without rebuke . Yea ( quoth hee ) call him to me . Who no sooner came to him , but heard him his lesson . Which perfectly repeated , how now Sirra ( quoth hee ) to his accuser ? how like you this geare ? How did he looke from his booke , and say his lesson so well ? Let me heare you : who was imperfect in many points . Well Sir ( quoth hee ) how do you know that your fellow did not looke vpon his booke ? Marry Sir ( quoth he ) I did watch him all the while . Then Sir ( quoth his fellow ) I beséech you aske him , who looked on his booke while he watched me . Whereat his master smiling , tooke the accuser , and openly in the Schoole whipped him well , first for his lesson , and after for his accusation .

Of a worshipfull Gentleman in Lincolneshire , and his man ,

A Certaine Gentleman in Lincolneshire , being also a Iustice of Peace , had an old seruant many yeres , called , Adam Milford , who vpon a time came vnto his Master and desired him , in regard hee had béene his seruant so many yéeres , he would now giue him something to helpe him in his old age . Thou saist true ( quoth his Master ) and I will tell thée what I will doe : Now shortly I am to ride vp to London , if thou wilt pay my cost and charges by the way , I will giue thée shortly such a thing , as shall be worth to thée an hundred pound . I am content ( quoth Adam ) and so paid for al the reckoning by the way . So being come to London , he put his Master in minde of his former promise that he had made to him . What , did I promise thée any thing ? I ( quoth Adam ) that you did : for you said , you would giue me that that should be worth to mee a hundred pound , for paying your charges to London . Let me sée your writing ( quoth his Master . ) I haue none ( quoth Adam . ) Then thou art like to haue nothing ( quoth his Master : ) And learne this of mee , That when thou makest a bargaine with any man , looke thou take a writing , and beware how thou makest a writing to any man . This hath auailed me an hundred pounds in my daies . When Adam saw there was no remedy , hee was content : but when they should depart , Adam stayed behind his master , to recken with his Hostis ; and on his Masters Scarlet cloake borrowed so much money , as came to all their charges , that he had laid out by the way . His Master had not ridden past two myles , but it beganne to raine apace : wherefore he called for his cloake . His other men made answere , that Adam was behind , and had it with him . So they shrowded them vnder a trée , till Adam came . When he came , his master said al angerly , thou knaue , come giue me my cloake : hast thou not serued me wel , to let me be thus wet ? Truly sir ( quoth Adam ) I haue laid it to pawne for al your charges by the way . Why knaue , quoth he didst thou not promise to beare my charges to London ? Did I quoth Adam ? I , quoth his Master , that thou didst . Let 's sée , shew me your writing of it , quoth Adam . Whereupon his Master perceiuing hee was ouer reacht by his man , was faine to send for his cloake againe , and pay the money .

How mad Coomes , when his wife was drowned : sought her against the streame .

COomes of Stapforth , hearing that his wife was drowned , comming from Market , went with certaine of his friends to sée if they could find her in the riuer : hee contrary to all the rest , sought his wife against the streame : which they perceiuing , said , He lookt the wrong way . And why so ( quoth he ? ) Because ( quoth they ) you should looke downe the streame , and not against it . Nay Zounds ( quoth hee ) I shall neuer find her that way : for shee did all things so contrary in her life time , that now shee is dead , I am sure shee will goe against the streame .

Of the Farmer in Norfolke , and his Phisicion .

A Certaine rich Farmer hauing laine long sicke in Norfolke , at last sent for a Phisicion from the next Market towne : who when he came , he felt his pulses , and viewed his water , and then told them , that hee could by no meanes nor Phisicke escape , the disease had so much power in his body , and so went his way . Within a while after by Gods good helpe , who is the onely giuer of all health , the man escaped , and was well againe , and walking abroad , being still very weake and féeble , hee met with his Phisicion , who being very sore affraid to sée him , asked him , if hee were not such a Farmer ? Yes truely ( quoth he ) I am . Art thou aliue or dead ( quoth he ? ) Dead ( quoth he ) I am : and because I have experience of many things , God hath sent me to take vp all Phisicions I can get : which made the Phisicion to looke as pale as ashes , for feare . Nay , feare not ( quoth the Farmer ) though I named all Phisicions , yet I meant thée for none : for I am sure , a verier Dunce liues not this day , then thou art : and then I should be a foole to take thée for one , that art not fit to come to any man , but to the dogges with thy phisicke : and so he left him : but the Phisicion neuer left quaking till he was out of the sight of him .

How merry Andrew of Manchester serued an vsurer .

MErry Andrew of Manchester , who is well knowne , méeting with thrée or foure of his companions on a Sunday , presently he bade them home to dinner , yet he neither had meate nor mony in his house . Well , but to his shifts he goeth , and went into an old Vsurers kitchin , where he was very familier , & priuily vnder his gowne , he brought away the pot of meate , that was sodden for the old misers dinner . When he came home , hee put out the meate , and made his boy scoure the pot , and sent him with it to the Vsurer , to borrow two groats on it , and bade the boy take a bill of his hand : which the boy did , and with the money bought béere and bread for their dinner . When the Vsurer should goe to dinner , his meate was gone : wherefore hee all to beate his maide , calling her whoore . She said , there came no body but Andrew there all that day . Then they ashed him . And he said he had done . But at last they said , that he and no body else had the pot . By my faith ( quoth Andrew ) I borrowed such a pot on a time , but I sent it home againe : and so called his witnesse , and said , it is perilous to deale with men now a daies without writing : they would lay theft to my charge , if I had not his owne hand to shew : and so hée shewed the Vsurers bill : whereat the Vsurer storm'd , and all the rest fell a laughing .

How he seru'd another , that would haue put him down in his merry sayings .

ANdrew once was at Supper with his friends , and among the Company there was one that spited at his iests and merry conceits . After supper they fell to reasoning among themselues , which was the most reuerent part of mans body . One said , the eye : another , the nose : a third said , the leg : but Andrew knowing that he that spited him , would name the contrary , said , the mouth was most reuerent of all . Nay ( quoth the other ) the part that we fit on is the most reuerent : and because they all meruailed why hée should say so , hee made this reason : That hee was most honourable , that was first set , and the part that hee named , was first set . Which saying contented them all , and grieued Andrew . The next day they all met againe , and Andrew comming last , found them sitting altogether . And when he had saluted them all , but his enemy , he turned his backe-side to him , and let a great fart in his face . At which the fellow being mighty angry , said , walke knaue , with a mischiefe , where hast thou béene brought vp ? Why disdainest thou , quoth Andrew ? if I had saluted thée with my mouth , thou wouldest haue saluted me againe : and now when I salute thée with that part , that by thy owne saying , is most honourable , thou callest me knaue . Then the company fell a laughing at this iest hartely .

The tale of the Blacke Moore .

IN the yere when fresh wits began to season themselues to abide weathers , it fell out , it is no matter where , that a certaine young fellow , next neighbour to a foole , hauing more money in his purse , then he knew well how to vse , and yet willing to aduenture a little , to gaine more , light into the acquaintance of a noble crafty companion , who finding his humour , was not to learne how to fit it : and nothing his foolish kind of fléering , when hee came among the Feminine gender , and how farre he would be in loue with maid Marian , vpon the first measure of a Morris daunce , came one day to him very closely , and getting him to beare him company alone into the fields ▪ there very soberly , in the way of much affection , ( as hee séemed to make shew of ) told him , that it grieued him to sée so propper a man spend his time so , without a companion fit for his person , meaning a wife : which , if an Owle would not serue his turne , it had béene pitty any better creature should haue béene bestowed vpon him . Yet forsooth , in great secret he told him , and looked about , as though some body had heard him that if he would bee ruled by him , he would helpe him to such a wife , as all the world should not find a better for his purpose . For she should bee faire , and welthy , and wise , and what more , I know not : but she should be such a one , as he should haue cause to giue him thankes for . The young gréene Goose some what shamefast , and yet foolish enough to harken to an idle tale , answered him , that though he was not determined to marry , yet if hee liked her , and she him , he did not know what would come to passe : but hee would bestow a quart of Wine to haue a sight of her . Not to make a long tale of a little or nothing , without many hummes or haes it was agréed betwixt them that a day should be set downe when the méeting should bee . The place was appointed , the parties were acquainted , the plot was laid , and the matter performed . But while the goose was gaping for one bait , he was catcht with another . For the cunning rascall , intending to make himselfe merry with his money , told him he must be finely apparrelled , and bestow a Supper or two , in shew of a braue mind : but when he had her once , then let him doe as he list . The foole already in a net , began to tangle himselfe brauely , made himselfe new apparell according to the fashion , gaue money to bestow vpon a Supper or two : where met him a fine boy drest woman like , to whom he made such loue , that a dog would not abide to heare it . The counterfeit young Mistris , with kind words , and knauish wiles , finding the length of his foot , gat many tokens of his loue ; as Gloues , Skarfes , and such like , besides a Ring or two , and a bracelet : all which he did bestow , solouingly that he must néedes be vsed like himselfe , and so he was : for nothing was refused that came so gently to passe . But after many kind méetings , in the end it was agréed betwixt them , that in a friends house of his , the matter should be made vp : which being little better then a bawdy house , it serued the turne as well as could be . There they met , and being both agréed , vpon assurance of each other loue to bed they should goe that night , and bee married shortly after , well , that night there lacked no good chéere , nor Wine to make the heart merry : which being taken in full cups , wrought the matter as they would haue it : for after they had well supped , and sate a while by a good fire , the good Asse fell a sléepe : in which being laid in his bed , in stead of the faire boy , they had laid a blacke Moore wench by him , with whom I know not how he handled the matter : but in the morning , séeing what a swéet bed-fellow he had gotten , suddenly starting out of the bed , ran to his clothes , and taking them in his hand , ran out into another chamber , crying that hee was vndone , for he had laine with the vgliest thing that euer was , and he feared it was the deuill . In which feare blessing himselfe , as from sprites , running out of the house , with the expence of his money , almost losse of his wittes and laught at of all that knew him , like a good woodcocke , fled away so farre , that I neuer heard more what became of him .

Of a Doctor and his man .

A Doctor that was newly commen'ct at Cambridge , charged his seruant that he had , not to say any thing , but that he should aske of him . Within a while after , hee inuited diuers of his friends to dinner , and sent his man to desire another Doctor to come and dine with him . The fellow went , and the Doctor told him that he could not come : for he had great businesse to dispatch that day . So home he comes , and saies nothing . When the guests were all come , they staid from going to dinner , til the other Doctor came . When they had staid till two of the clocke , hee asked his man , if hee had bidden him come to dinner ? Yes ( quoth his man ) that I did . And why doth he not then come ? Marry , he said , that he had other businesse , and hee could not come . Why didst thou not tell me this before ( quoth his Master ) Why Sir ( quoth he ) because you did not aske me .

Of one that beleeued his wife better then others .

A Man , whose wife was no better then she should be nor so neither , his friends counselled him to looke better vnto her . The man went home , and sharpely rebuked his wife , and told her what his friends said of her . She knowing that periury was no worse then adultery , with wéeping and swearing denyed the same , and told her husband that they deuised those tales in enuy , because they saw them liue so quietly . With these words her husband was content and well pleased . Yet another of his friends was at him againe : and said that he old not well , to let her haue her liberty so much . To whom he answered , I pray you tell me whether knoweth my wiues faults best , she or you ? They said shee . And she that I beléeue better then you all , saith you lye all like knaues .

The Harfordshire mans answere to the Abbot of London .

THe Abbot riding in Visitation , came to a place where they had newly builded their stéeple , and put out their Belles to bee new cast . The Abbot comming néere the townes end ▪ and bearing no Belles to Ring , in a chase saide to one of the townsmen , haue you no Belles in your stéeple ? No , my Lord quoth he . Then said the Abbot , Sell away your stéeple . Why so , and please your Lordship ? Quoth he , because it standeth void . Marry , said the man , we may well also sell away another thing in our Church , as well as that , and better too . What is that ( quoth the Abbot ? ) Marry our Pulpit ( quoth he ) for this seuen yéere haue we not had a Sermon in it , nor I thinke neuer shall , but Belles I am sure we shall haue shortly .

Of one that lost his purse .

A Countrey man comming vp to the Tearme , by misfortune lost his purse : and because the summe was great , he set vp billes in diuers places of London , that if any man had found such a purse , and would restore it againe , hee should haue very well for his paines . A Gentleman of the inner Temple , wrote vnder one of his billes , that he should come to his chamber , and did write where . So when he came to the place , the Gentleman asked him , first , what was in his purse ? Secondly , what countey man he was ? And thirdly , what was his name ? Sir ( quoth he ) twenty pound was in my purse . I am halfe a Welshman , and Iohn vp Ianken is my name . Iohn vp Ianken ( quoth the Gentleman ) I am glad I know thy name : for so long as I liue thou nor none of thy name , shall haue my purse to kéepe . And so farewell gentle Iohn vp Ianken .