MEum and Tuum , borne at a Towne called Wrangle in Lincolnshire , are very anciently descended , for they can produce their Pedigree , from shortly after the building of the Tower of Babel . Plutus was the first of their Family , who tooke to Wife Eris , the Daughter of Rhadamanthus , Lord Chiefe justice , and judge of Hell ; shee was a woman of a very contentious spirit , eager of Revenge for the smallest wrong done unto her , shee was a slaunderer of all good Actions , a deadly enemy to Charity , but most of all she hated Vnity and Amity among neighbours and friends : if shee held in with any , they were Witches and Southsaiers , for , of all others , these were most inward with her , and of her counsell , by whose assistance shee did much mischiefe in the world .

Plutus had by her foure Sonnes , and three Daughters ; who sucking their Mothers manners , with her milke , grew so quarrelsome and contentious , that one house could not hold them , but needs they would betake , and divide themselves , into the foure parts of the world , viz. Europe , Africa , Asia , and America , where since their Posterity is growne so numerous , that you shall come no where , but you shall finde whole Nations , Citie , sprivate Families , and persons at ods , and together by the eares , upon one occasion or other .

And without question , a race of this Family have beene in our Country of Great Britaine ever since it was first inhabited , ever and anon disturbing the peace and quiet thereof , ( though it hath laien undiscovered ) even from the Triarchie after Brute ( if you beleeve there was a Brute ) unto the time of the Romans , so to the Heptarchie of the Saxons , the comming in of the Danes , after of the Normans , to our present times .

And to make this probable , not many yeares agoe , there was an ancient man , whose name was Harpax , dwelling in Wrangle aforesaid ; whose ancestors , as hee said , were Welchmen , and could derive their pedigree from presently after Noah's flood ; and oft he would report , that they were the most ancient Gentlemen of that part of the Country where they dwelt ; but so apt to quarrell one with the other , and to set whole Countries and Kingdomes at oddes , that , what with mutuall brabbles , and many times single Duels , together by siding with contrary factions , ( as the houses of Yorke and Lancaster ) they in time were worne out , that onely himselfe and another brother ( who went to live farre North ) were remaining alive .

Vpon what occasion Harpax left Wales , to come to live in those parts , it is unknowne ; it may be the goodnesse of the Soile , and the benefit of the Fenne on the one side , and the Sea Marshes ( so commodious for feeding of sheepe ) on the other , were the motives of his leaving Mountainous Wales : but howsoever the matter is not great .

This Harpax was extreamely , and beyond measure covetous , and miserable , and as great an Vsurer as was in those parts , beloved of none , but equally hated of poore and rich ; for it was never knowne that hee gave an almes at his dore , or elsewhere , in all his life . I have heard , that when hee was made Church-Warden of his Parish , he collected tenne Grotes to a Breve , for a Towne that was burned in Yorkshire ; and hereof hee reserved sixteene pence to himselfe . Hee never would eate Butter with his Egge , so long as it was at three pence the pound in Wa●●flet Market ; for hee thought the price too high . And at the beginning of winter , because the Draper should not be a gainer by him , hee would hang Dogges for their Skinnes , and suite himselfe with their Leather .

His wife was as bad , or rather worse ; and tooke upon her to tell of things that were stollen , or lost ; whereby she deceived a number of poore people , taking of them Bacon , a Cheese , a Hen , or such like , for telling them in whose possession they were , and by whom they were conveighed away , accusing those that were innocent , whereby , much trouble and discord arose among neighbours , yet none durst question her for the same , for her husband was rich , and consequently , powerfull , and able to prevaile with those , who should reforme these and such like abuses

This Harpax and his wife , had onely two sonnes , who were twinnes , borne at one birth ; who not a whit degenerating from their predecessors ; for shortly after their birth , they would seeme to wrangle for the Mothers breast , and growne bigger , they would scratch and take hold one of another ; then , after two or three yeares , fall out about milke , bread and butter ; and growne great boyes , at play about counters , or points , insomuch , as they never were without blew eyes , or scratched faces ; and so unhappy they were , that no other Children would keepe them company ; yea , they were charged so to doe by their Parents , if they meant to live in quiet , and keepe their estates , when they were men . On the working dayes ( for at home they had little to doe ) they used to goe with fisher men to the Sea , whom they made to fall out daily , about setting their stakes , removing of nets , and division of their fish . Faires and Markets they haunted continually , and set Gentlemen , playing at Cards or Tables , at difference about a chance throwne , laying downe a stake , or a deal'd Card mistaken , and the like . Nay , they set their owne Father and Mother at ods , in so much not they , but the whole Country grew weary of them . Old Harpax thought , if they stayed at home continually with him , they would eate him out of dores ; the Mother thought , they might bring her in question for a Witch , and so to a shamefull end ; the Parish intended , at the next presse to have packed them away for Souldiers : but a Gentleman of good ranke , and one who had been abroad , living in the Parish , would not agree hereunto ; for ( quoth he ) they are by nature so contentious and quarelsome , they will raise a mutinie , and so overthrow the whole Army .

In briefe , their Father resolved to be troubled no longer with them , but to send them into the world , to seeke their fortunes , and rather forthwith while the Summer lasted , the weather was faire , the daies long , and ( if extremity constrained them ) while there was meanes to get something in the field , as by Hay-making , sheepe-shearing , shocking of Corne , pitching the Cart , and the like ; hereupon , aswell for lightnesse in hot weather , as saving his money , he clad each of them in a parchment suite , made of old Bonds and Leases out of date ; the large blacke lines served for lace , and the waxen seales for buttons ; for hats they had two old Monmouth Caps their father brought out of Wales , wherein they stuck a Fen-Cats-taile or two ; weapons they had none , save each of them a broome staffe in his hand , with some small summe of money in their pockets : and thus accoustred , out of dores they goe ( without either asking their Parents blessing , or once bidding them farewell ) on their intended voiage , bidding their sweete and native soile of Wrangle ( for how long they knew not ) a friendly adieu .

To make a Topographicall description of this Towne , ( by way of digression ) it standeth seven miles beyond Villam Butolphi , alias , Boston , at the hither end of the spacious and fruitfull Marsh , well knowne for the plenty of the biggest and fattest sheepe of England ; it is adjoyning to that arme of the Sea , called by Ptolomey , Metaris Aestuarium ; it was sometime a Market Towne , and in the time of Canutus the Dane , it had a faire Haven , which since the Sea hath forsaken , and is now toward the Sea filled up with sand , and upon Land become a deepe valley , wherein grasse groweth , and is common for their sheepe . But to returne to Meum and Tuum : away they went , not gone many miles , but they fell together by the eares , about a shoeing-horne ; Tuum averring that it was given him by his Mother , in stead of her blessing ; Meum protested it was his Fathers , and hee had kept it ever since he was married , they could not agree about it ; in briefe , after many bitter and unbrotherly words , they resolved one to leave the other ; so Meum went one way by Sea over to the Icenians , and Tuum by land another : but see how it happened , after some three weeks absence one from the other , it was Tuum's hap to come to the same Towne , among the Icenians , where Meum had placed himselfe with a Proctor of a Spirituall Court thereabout ; this Proctor dwelt in a Parsonage , which hee farmed of an old Parson , who was a Batchelor , and had beene a Priest in Queene Maries time ; keeping onely a Curat to reade prayers . The Proctor finding Meum to bee pregnant and witty , taught him the grounds aswell of the Civill as common Law , caused the Curate to reade the Grammar unto him , that being grounded in the Latine , he might be fitted as a Clerke or Notarie to write under him : the Curat , I must tell you , was no great Scholler , or ever graduate in any Vniversity , but with long teaching Schole in the Church , he became perfect in his ruls : preach he could not , neither lay he in the parsonage house ( which was miserably fallen to ruine , the Barnes , Stables , and Dove-coat , being onely propped up , and both unwalled and untiled ) but hee had a Flock-bed upon a pallet in the Steeple of the Church , which was both his Chamber and his Study ; the Presse wherein hee laid those books he had were holes in the walls , where Iack-Dawes had formerly bred ; neither did the Bells trouble his study , or his sleep , for they rang not to prayers from one end of the weeke to another , except upon the Sunday , and then not till ten a clock . Meum being thus entertained , and having gotten an handsome blacke suite , which his Maister bestowed upon him ; hee became in no long tract of time very skilfull in his practise , and marvellous cunning in the way of suing and citing men into the Court , for the least misdemeanour , as it shall by the sequell appeare . Newes was brought to the Proctor his Maister , how that a Farmer in the Parish had sold a Sow and eleven young Pigges , on purpose to cheate him of his tyth : Meum drawes a citation , to call this man to answer it the next Court day at Icenium . Tuum in the meane time , was by strange fortune entertained by an Attorney dwelling in the same Parish , but a mile and an halfe off from the Church , who also tooke a great liking unto him , and made him an under Clerke under another , that hee might get experience , learne to make Bonds , and Leases ; and having likewise well cloathed him , ( now ashamed of his parchment suite ) hee gave him Littleton's Tenures in English to reade , with Doctor and Student , and such like , to initiate , and bring him to knowledge : to bee short , Meum grew not so experienced and cunning one way , but Tuum as crafty in another . Now this Attorney being a subtile Foxe , tooke the Parish part against the Proctor , in any sute that fell betweene the Parson and the Parish , concerning matter of Tith . Tuum , whither he had learned so much from his Maister , or some other had instructed him , comes to him that ought the Sow and Pigges , and tells him , hee had learn'd that the custome was in that country , that if the Tith Pigge were not marked for the Parson , within eight daies after the farrowing ( as it was not ) the owner might lawfully sell off the Pigges , without paying Tyth at all : this sute , through the instigation of Meum on the one side , and Tuum on the other , began earnestly to be followed and defended : but an honest and a quiet minded Gentleman , who loved no strife among honest neighbours , laboured to make all parties friends ; and it had beene then presently effected , but for Meum and Tuum , ( who did vehemently ever oppose each the other ) Now in the meane time the old Parson dying , the sute ceased , and all became friends . Now to the late old Parsons living was presented a young man , a Mr. of Arts of Cambridge , who was as diligent in his place , as his predecessor was remisse ; for he preached every Sabbath , and Catechized in the afternoone , reading prayers every Wednesday and Friday , observing the Canons duely in every thing ; and which crowned his other good parts , hee was a great lover of Peace and Vnity among his neighbours , and could not endure any wrangling , or brabling among his Parishioners : so that hearing what contention and strife had lately beene kindled in his Parish , through the meanes of Meum and Tuum , of whom he had notice , and how that they lived in his Parish ; he resolved by all meanes to rid the Towne of them . They on the other side , seeing now all things tending to peace and quietnesse , and little left to set them on worke ( for as Eeles in mud , Beetles in dung , and Swine in the mire , they delighted in nothing but base brabbles , quarrels , and suits in law ) and well knowing , they in that Country had gained experience sufficient , pour passer par tout , and to set a a whole Country together by the eares , they resolved forthwith to travell towards London , and to goe by Cambridge : forward they goe , and the first night they take up their Lodging in an Inne , in that ancient Towne called of the Romans Sitomagum ; here they stayed foure or five daies , one lying at the one end of the Towne , and the other at the other : but in this little space of their staie , they made worke a twelve Moneth after , for all the Lawiers within tenne miles of that place : for they set the Lords of two neighbouring Townes at odds ; yea , two Swinheards of the same Townes , who beate one another fearefully , about their Swine trespassing one upon anothers Common : and another accident happened , whiles they were in that Towne . A certaine Bailife , did use to impound and take waifes and straies of all manner of Cattell , as fell within that Lordship ; on a time , there were taken up as straies , two Milch Kine , and an Oxe : the Bailife to cheat the owner , ( if at any time he came to enquire for Beasts ) had this tricke ; he would provide a great Rie loafe , taken hot out of the Oven , and put it upon the Beasts hornes , whereby he would bend them which way hee listed ; if they grew narrow , hee would make them wider ; if they declined backward , with his hot loafe , hee would bend them forward ; so that when the owner came to challenge his Cattell , he knew them not , for hee would say ; surely the brand , and the eare-marke is mine ; but my Cow , or Oxes hornes stood another way , this beasts hornes , hang in his forehead , mine stood upright ; but surely it is as like my Cow as ever I saw : so the honest man that owned them , durst not challenge them , but they fell as a cheate to the Lord , rather to the Bailiefe .

This tricke being discovered to Meum and Tuum , by some who had practised the like ; Meum growing acquainted with the owner , importuned him to sue the Bailife : Tuum perswaded the Bailife to sue the owner , for giving out threatning words against him , and laying claime to that , which hee could not justifie for his ; but the Bailife being an old and a constant Guest to the Hostesse , where Meum lay , ( who was a very handsome Lasse ) She undertooke they should be all friends , and shake hands , and upon that condition , She vowed to bestow a good peece of Beefe , a dish of Egges , and a Gallon of nappy Ale for a breakefast .

Meum and Tuum got nothing hereby , for the world was now growne wise , and honest neighbours ended their strife and differences among themselves ; so that although they had gotten skill sufficient in these parts , yet they had gained little for their maintenance and livelihood . Hereupon they resolved to visite the famous Vniversity of Cambridge , and to see if they could meete with any of Wrangle at Sturbridge Faire ( for it was now after Bartholomew-tide ) and going on their way , they come to a Towne called QVI , where they went into an honest Alehouse to drinke ( for the weather was yet warme , ) here they found the Clerke of the Parish , a Suffolke Cheesemonger , and a Baker of Chesteron , exceedingly joviall and merry , for they had spent eleven Grotes in sheare Ale onely , beside Cheese and Bread , which the Suffolke man and the Baker had of their owne : a reckoning being called for ; the Baker , who had long served that house with bread , denyed that it came to so much , for , quoth he , Hostesse , for every Pot that came in , I unbuttoned a button ; so that here are not so many , as you say we have had Pots ; but the truth is , the Baker being halfe foxed , had not so many buttons at his Doublet , as Pots were broughtin ; but the Hostesse would have her reckoning .

Meum and Tuum hearing this difference betweene the Hostesse and Baker , began to devise how they might interpose themselves , to come cleare off , for what they had called for in the house , and get somwhat more to beare charges . Meum , while the Baker stepped out of Dores , came and whispered him in the eare , and told him , that he was an Informer , lately come from Burie , and was going by Cambridge towards London , and that if hee would keepe his counsell , he would teach him how to bee even with her , for the smalenesse of her Pots , being under the allowance of the Statute , so that he might see them filled , and so take his oath safely ; the Baker calls in for halfe a dozen more , and drinkes an Health to Meum : Meum againe to the Parish Clerke ; he to the Cheesemonger ; so the Baker well pleased , fetcheth from his basket two Manchets , and gets Cheese of the Suffolke-man , and bids Meum fall to and welcome . The Hostesse , not suspecting any judgling or Treason against her at all , sits quietly , talking in the Kitchin with Tuum ; who having overheard those ill words the Baker gave her , and his misreckoning ; calls her on the one side , and tells her in private , that he was a Promotour , belonging to the Exchequer , and by his oath and office , hee could not chuse but informe against the smalnesse of his Bread , wanting in every penny Loafe two Ounces ( for they borrowed Scales and sealed Weights , to weigh it , at a Chandlers in the Town ) the Hostesse finding her selfe to have been cheated , for many yeares together ; willingly consented to bee revenged upon the Baker : Tuum takes the day and yeare in his Table Bookes , faithfully promising the Hostesse , forthwith to informe ; and that for his part , hee would freely bestow his part of the Fine upon her , as pitying her losse , for so long a time : The Hostesse , with a low courtsie , thanks him heartily : hereupon Tuum called to pay ; truly not a penny , if it were twise as much , quoth the Hostesse ; with that she fetched forth a quarter of a rosted Pigge , and a dish of new gathered Damsins , with a Mazer of good Ale , wherin shee powred a little cup of Anise-seede water , and dranke to Tuum , desiring him to know her house another time ; he promised he would . So calling his Brother Meum from the Bakers company , to set forward toward Cambridge , the Clerk of QVI desired Tuum to stay but a little , and knocking upon the Table with the Church-dore Key , called for a Cap of Cambridge beere , and dranke to Tuum , craving his name ; hee told him ; I am his Brother , quoth Meum ; in good time , quoth the Clerke , came you not out of the Land of Pronounes ? and have you no relation to our Towne of QVI ? no , quoth Meum , your Towne should rather have relation to us , for every Grammar Boy knowes , that QVI is a Pronoune Relative , and we are Possessives ; in good time , quoth the Saffolke man , wee have too few of you in our Countrey , ( when indeed they had too many ) but the day being farre spent , Meum desired to bee going ; but the Baker following him out of dores , spake something in secret unto him , and very likely gave him something to follow his sute ; howsoever they all parted in a friendly manner , they going their severall wayes , and Meum and Tuum for Cambridge .

Being come to Cambridge in very handsome and civill apparrell ( for they had long since , sold their parchment sutes to a Tailor for Measures ) like wise Travailers , the first thing they did , they enquired for , and tooke up their Lodging , which was ( an Embleme of themselves ) at he Two Wrestlers in the Petit-curie , where having taken up two severall Beds , they were quiet and merry , for that night ; the next day they went abroad to view the Towne , and especially the ruines of the Castle , built by William the Conquerour , Pythagora's Schoole , and the Round Church , sometimes a Synagogue of the Iewes , the Nunnery of Saint Radigunde , now converted into Iesus Colledge , and not farre beyond , that sometimes faire and well seated Abbey of Barnwell , built by Sir Paine Peverell , Standard-bearer to the Conquerour , returning backe , they visited the Colledges ; and one shewed them Erasmus his Chamber and Study , in Queenes Colledge , where he lay while he was in Cambridge , as appeareth by many of his Epistles : but above all other , they desired to see the common Schooles , and desired to heare the Disputations , and wranglings of Sophisters ; with some of whom after they had acquainted themselves , they learned all the rules of Arguing , with the Nature of Syllogismes , and every Fallacie , whereby they enabled themselves , for reasoning pro & con in all places , and upon every occasion ; and were now became able to entangle any Adversary , or Opposite in Logicall limetwigs . Now having well viewed the Vniversity and Towne , and being furnished with Latine and Logick , enough for the practise of the Law , they take their leaves , and to London forward by Trompington they goe : being gone some ten miles from Cambridge on their way ; they espied many people at a Towns end , gathered in a cluster together , about a Peare-tree , that grew in the middest of an hedge , and amongst them the Clerk of the Parish . Meum wondring to see them there , could not devise what the occasion might be ; quoth Tuum , surely there is a Swarme of Bees in the Tree : that time of the yeare is past , quoth Meum , it may be there is some Foxe-earth , Hedghog , or the like ; nay , then why should the Clerke bee there ? hee hath no skill in Foxe-hunting ; it may bee , sometime he will follow the Hounds for his recreation : but the truth was , indeed that Peare-tree was in controyersie betweene the owners of the Closes , on either side of the Hedge , and they in contention , who should have the Peares ; the Vicar knowing not of whom to demand the Tyth of that Tree , attended there , till the controversie was ended ; those people were ancient men and neighbours , who came to ma●● peace , and to testifi● 〈◊〉 whom ●s they thought the right lay : Meum and Tuum argued the case , as Lawyers , and concluded after a long dispute , that some lusty fellow in the company should goe up , and shake the Tree , and what Peares fell on either side the Hedge , should bee theirs who owed the grounds , and those that fell in the Hedge , should appertaine to neither of them , but all should goe to the Vicar , for his Tyth : they were all contented , and so carying Meum and Tuum to their Alehouse , which was hard by the Church-stile , at an old Widdow-womans , they gave them great thanks , with the courtesie of their Towne , and to boote , their pockets full of Peares .

Forward they goe , and at last get to London , a place they long longed to see , especially Westminster , and the Courts there in Terme time : wherfore they resolved to lodge and place themselves thereabout . Meum toke a Chamber in Theeving-lane : Tuum , a little darke roome , that had but one window , no bigger then a Cat might creepe through , hard by Hell , neare to the upper end of Westminster-Hall : being provided of their lodging , the next day they had an humour ( having yet nothing to doe , ) to goe see a Beare-baiting , over the Water ; but comming to Westminster Bridge , they found the Water-men pitifully fallen out , and railing one at another , and almost together by the eares , about their Fares ; one crying out , Sir Thomas , or Sir Henry , I am your first man , heere 's your worship's Boate , I caried you to Brainford last Thursday : they seeing the Gentlemen so vexed , with haling and calling on every side , with such a thunder of severall tones , that were able to make a man more deafe then the Cataracts of Nilus ; Tuum craves silence of them , and thus speakes to the Gentlemen in private ; Gentlemen , quoth he , it is now Vacation , and the deadest time thereof , and I suppose you are going over the water , as we are , I will tell you , for a quart of Wine , and a pecke of Oisters on the other side , I will lay a Spell under this Bridge , where the Tyde shall not wash it away , that as long as it is there , from hence forward , the Watermen every Vacation shall be silent and of very few words , and during the Terme they shall have the gift of curing all that are thicke of hearing ; the Gentlemen , being ingenuous and free , condescended ; and I have heard , the same Charme or Spell lieth under Westminster Bridge yet .

But now come over to the Beare-garden , and seeing the manifold contention and quarrels betweene the Beare-wards and the City Butchers , for the first turnes , or courses with their Dogges , all having promiscuously paid their money , and were ready with their bats to knock one another downe ; Meum began to give hard language to the Beareward , taking the Butchers part : a Bearward ( as they are feirce and chollerick ) like their pupils , the Beares ) strikes at Meum with a good Crab-tree cudgell ; he to avoide the blow , fell backward , quite over a Beares backe ; herewith the Beare fell a roring : Tuum ( whose backe was turned ) looking behinde him , and seeing Meum , as he thought , felled to the ground and slaine , and verily beleeving it was hee that rored , when he fell , ran , as if he had been frantick , out of dores ; and as hee came hastily by where a Bull was baited hard by , ( such was his hard fortune , that ) to avoide the presse of the people , he came within the Buls reach , the Bull beeing become furious and mad , with many blowes , Dogs , slitting his eares , and the like , runnes full at Tuum , and with his horne taking hold of his Breeches , tossed him up ; but Tuum having but one poynt , that brake , and his Hose fell about his heeles ; which made all the standers by forget the Bull , to laugh at , or pity him : away then goes Tuum to the water side , and taking a Boate , leaves Meum to follow at his leasure .

The same night both meeting with either at Westminster , they related their hard fortune , professing never to come any more among Dogges and Beares : but the Terme being at hand , to keepe company with Lawyers , and their Clients onely .

The Terme being come , they now thought it best to acquaint themselves with some understanding Attorneys , and Clerks of the Innes of Chancery , who might aswell set them in a way to practise , as to get them acquaintance : and first they enquired for Lions Inne ( a Country Careier directed them to the Tower , where the Lions were ) which when they had found , they grew acquainted with many Students , who were Cornish and Devonshire Gentlemen : who ( when Meum and Tuum had related unto them their names , whence they came , and those various accidents that had befell them , in their journey , ever since they came from Wrangle ) made very much of them , imagining they had beene great Students , and very expert in the Lawes : but being examined and throughly tried by a very honest Attorney of that house ( who wanted his sight ) he found them to be nothing else , then incendiaries and make-bates in the Common wealth , and wished them to live in the country , and rather go make peace among their neighbours , then set them at variance ; for we ( quoth he ) who are Attorneys , if men would be quiet and agree among themselves , would never intreate or sue for imployment from them ; but when as sutes , by delay or neglect ( as wounds ) beginne to fester and gangrene , then indeed we ought ( as Surgeons ) to doe our best to make an easie and speedy cure ; with many other good Adviso's , which they little regarded : but taking their leaves , went to some houses ( I will not name ) where they found good respect and entertainment . And finding some encouragement , to Westminster they goe , where looking about them , they admired the largenes & statelinesse of the Hall , and above , that the timber of the roofe , having been there so long , should be without Cobwebs ; perhaps , quoth Tuum , they are swept downe against the Terme ; quoth Meum , thou art a foole , all Kentstreete cannot afford a beesome so long ; a country man over hearing them , answered , the roofe was made of Irish timber , which no Spider durst touch ; if there were any Cobwebs , they were beneath , about the Clarks and Notaries Seates , which are seldome or never swept . When they had sufficiently gazed about , and observed as much as they could , comming out with the Country man , they viewed well the great dore of the Hall ; where they espied two Stags Couchand , with Crownes about their necks , and chaines thwart their backs ; they asked the reason of their being there : the Country man said , doubtlesse it was because so much Venison had beene eaten in that Hall , when the Kings of England held their great feasts there : Tuum thought rather they were some tame Deere , because of their chaines : but the truth is , the Hall of Westminster was built anew by K. Richard the second , and they were his Badges , for the Kings Mother , whom the blacke Prince married , was widdow to Lord Holland , Earle of Kent ; and being one of the most beautifullest Ladies of England , and called the faire Mayd of Kent , before her marriage , She gave for her Devise ( or Crest ) the white Hind ; which her Sonne the King , altered into a Stagge . But to returne to our new Termers , Meum and Tuum ; within a day or two , they ordered the matter so , that they gat acquaintance in all the Courts of Westminster ; and in no long time , by observation and practise , they grew so expert , that they were still at one end of every Cause that was pleaded : not a Counsellor , nor Attorney belonging either to the Kings Bench , Commonpleas , or any other Court , but grew acquainted with them , and many times , in friendly manner , would salute them with , Good morrow Mr. Meum , Save you Mr. Tuum , I pray let me see you at my Chamber , I have beene , ( and so have we all ) much beholding unto you , for your acquaintance and furtherance , wee many times fare the better for you : yet Meum and Tuum they were like the Whetstone , that could sharpen every thing , yet it selfe was blunt , they could enrich others , yet were ever in want ( for indeed men ever by sutes and contention begger themselves , as we see by daily experience , ) howbeit they gat sufficient to maintaine them hand somly , and now and then to go to the Dogge Taverne at Westminster , ( who I remember , the last day of the Terme , bit Meum fearefully ) to bid a friend to Supper , and the like : and whereas before they were called by their bare names only , they were called now Mr. Meum , and Mr. Tuum . Now having beene throughly acquainted with Westminster , but Westminster better with them , and some three or foure Termes past , and the long Vacation comming on ; they heard there was a controversie between certaine Gentlemen , Projectors , and of the Country where they were borne , about the vast and spatious Fennes thereabout ; whereupon imagining there might bee good fishing in those troubled waters , they resolved to goe downe thither , to make a division among them , if they could not agree among themselves . So putting money convenient in their purse , away for their Country they go , playing many merry trickes by the way , which would fill three such bookes as this , if I should recount them in order . Now by the way , if they should happen to want money , Meum resolved to take upon him the name and profession of a Physitian , and to cure all manner of diseases and griefes by stroking the part pained , and uttering some few words , by way of charme ( as you shall heare anon , ) Tuum would , like a Gypsey , be a teller of Fortunes , especially to widdowes and young wenches ; and indeed they got hereby much money , and grew famous . One thing I must not forget , by the way , as they went three or fourescore miles from London , as they walked downe a Lane , a great shower of raine fell , which constrained them to goe through a Gentlemans yard , who had beene a Iustice of the Peace , and was sitting in a wicker chaire , ( and the Constable of that Parish , a little distance off , upon an Hogstrough ) to see his Swine ringed : the Iustice was clad in cloth , spunne in his owne house , seldome came he up to London , but ever staid at home , keeping a good house among his neighbours : Meum and Tuum passing by , saluted him with all due respect ; my friends , quoth he , you are welcome , where is your dwelling ? quoth Meum , An 't please your worship , in Westminster , in a place called Theeving Lane , and my Brother about , or neare to Hell ; by my honesty , quoth he ; both bad and naughty places , I wonder my fellow Iustices thereabouts will take no order with that Lane , either to place honest men in it , or to remoove it further off , from his Majesties Court : I have heard that in Queen Elizabeth's time , much Pla●e , Hangings , and other things , stollen from Whitehall , have beene found thereabouts ; it may be so , quoth Tuum , Theeves may bee found in all places , but I assure your worship , many as honest and substantiall people dwell in that Lane , as in any other place about Westminster ; how it came by that name , I know not , it may be out of envie some gave it that name : indeed quoth the Gentleman , it may bee so , but it is impossible : How , I pray you , may I call your names ? our names , quoth Meum , are Meum and Tuum , they are , as I take it , out landish names ; no indeede , quoth Tuum , they are Latine ; it is true , quoth the Gentleman , Tuum is mine , and Meum is thine , I have not forgot my Latine ; and whither are you travailing this way ? indeed , quoth Meum , wee travell all places , but now wee goe directly for our owne Country ( except some occasion extraordinary detaine us by the way ) that is , downe into the Fennes , and from thence backe to London ; we are dablers in the Lawes , and well knowne to all the Courts about Westminster ; I pray God not for Pickpockets ; we cut , nor picke no purses , quoth Tuum , but empty them after a legall way , for there is not a tryall but we have an hand in the same , and in every sute , though never so long depending ; I wonder quoth the old quondam Iustice , how you escape from being indited for common Barreters ? quoth Meum , all Iudges are beholding to us for their Reports , wee are the Steele and Flint , who hew out the fire , and afford light to their judgements and understandings , and , as it were , ●liciendo veritatem , mutuo collisu , per experientiam & longo rerum usu , for every Terme wee devise and bring to light new and strange cases ; those beget others , and so in infinitum : it is very probable , quoth the Iustice , for I have seene Strife , I think you call it Lis in Latine , painted , going upon skrewes in stead of Legges ; and , as I take it , it stands in my worthy friends Hall , Sir Daniel de Ligne , at his house at Harlaxton by Grantham ; but , I am glad I have met with you , to aske your opinion in one thing . About twenty yeares agoe , when I sat at our Sessions , and was Eldest Iustice , a Tinker was brought us for stealing of a Porredge Pot , and his inditementranne , for felloniously taking and carying away , upon such a Day , in such a Moneth , one brazen Porredge Pot , weighing forty nine pounds , with three eares , and two feete ; now , as wee all know , a Porredge Pot hath onely two eares , and three feete : I was the first that found this same error in the inditement , whereupon the Iury brought in Ignoramus ; whether was it not well done of mee or no ? An 't like your worship , quoth Tuum , they could doe no other . Againe , there was within some three or foure miles of me , an ancient farme house , the title where of was in controversie , and the Owner herein had placed foure or five lustie fellowes , his friends and servants , to keepe the possession ; now in the Rogation weeke last past , the Minister and the whole Parish were to goe their Procession ; their way ( which was the division of two Parishes ) was through the Hall and the Kitchin , and through the middest of the Orchard , by the end of a Swine-coate ; they who kept possession , denied entrance to the Procession , and barred up the Gates against the Minister and the whole Parish : they seeing this , sent for a Smith , and brake up the dores , and moreover pulled down a wall , that stopped their way . I now demaund , Mr. Meum , whether the Owner ( who indeed was my neere Kinseman ) might sue the Parson and his Parish for a Riot or not ? quoth Tuum by no meanes , a Procession must have a way made to their hands , or make it themselves ; beside , the publike custome of a Parish , must bee preferred , before a private Title in question , provided no Parke bee prejudiced thereby ; yet if my Brother and I , quoth Tuum , had beene entertained in that , or the like case , wee would have held the Parish to it for one seven yeares : God forbid , quoth the good Gentleman , there were no Conscience or Charity in that ; yet when both of you are soundly out , and at odds , one with another , you little thinke of Conscience or Charity , nay , upon my knowledge your selves , or get others to doe so much for you . With that hee called to have the old Sow well ringed , for rooting up her Mistrisses Parsneps ; and sends Cicelie his Mayd , for a Flaggon of good beere , of that Hogges-head which stood under the Staires ; which being done , hee heartily dranke unto them , desiring that if they at any time passed by his house , they would visit him , and if hee had any occasion to use them ( which he thought he should never have , growne in yeares , and loving peace , and his rest , hee would imploy them : they thanking him kindly , take their leaves and departed .