The praise of the gout, or, The gouts apologie A paradox, both pleasant and profitable. Written first in the Latine tongue, by that famous and noble gentleman Bilibaldus Pirckheimerus councellor vnto two emperours, Maximilian the first, and Charles the fift: and now Englished by William Est, Master of Arts.

THE PRAISE OF THE GOVT , Or , The GOVTS Apologie .

I Am not ignorant ( most reuerend and vpright Iudges ) how difficult a thing it is , Podagra beginneth her Apologie . and full of hatred to roote an opinion out of mens minds , beeing once conceiued , and now of long time inueterate , especially of the Incondite , rude and vnlearned vulgar , which are not so much led by reason , as carried by a certaine violence and impetuous rage ( which the Greeks aptly call 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , ) to iudge of things . No maruell then , if wanting discretion , without difference , rashly they giue sentence : For how can there proceed any right iudgement , when Folly captiuates Wisedome , Rashnesse rules Reason , Impotencie of mind cashires counsell ? Wherefore I greatly reioyce , that now at length time is offered , and liberty granted me , to answer and refell the slanders and obiections of the franticke vulgar sort , mine enemies , that ( to my griefe ) I heare not my selfe alwaies traduced , and be neuer permitted freely to speake for my selfe .

Though it not onely toucheth mee , but as I suppose , it concerneth you also ( O yee Iudges ) that none , vpon abare accusation only , Si accusasse sufficiat , quis innocens esse poterit ? without hearing should bee conuicted and perish ; For , if it bee sufficient for euery varlet to accuse , what good man then can be innocent , and vncondemned ? Not without cause therefore your serene aspect , a signe of clemencie and mildnesse , and this frequent and renowmed assemblie doth so recreate and cheere vp my spirits , that I cast out of my mind all suspition of feare or partiality . For , why should I feare , seeing my cause is to bee heard before you , whose Wisedome , whose Integrity , whose Innocency is such , that I ought not only , not to suspect ; but also , to hope for at your hands , whatsoeuer shall be iust , honest and right , and shal be thought worthy of your estimation , wisedome and credit ?

But before I begin to lay open my cause , I shall craue so much fauour at your hands ( most clement Iudges ) that with good leaue and attention you will bee pleased to heare mee to the end , permit me to keepe mine own order of speaking , and suspend your sentence vntill I come to the Epilogue and conclusion of my speech . Againe , if you haue conceiued any displeasure , hatred , or indignation against mee , that ye put it off , lay it aside , cast it away , and haue respect not so much to the calumnies of my aduersaries , or mine own person , as to the equity of my cause . Truth cannot finally be suppressed . And that yee will not bee offended , if my speech shall rase out , reason enfeeble , truth vanquish whatsoeuer sinister opinion , malicious censure , and false cauillation they shall forge against mee . Truth , for a time may be oppressed , ( God so disposing for our punishment , or tryall ) but finally suppressed it cannot be . Truth is stronger then all falshood : it is temporis filia , the daughter of time , and will at length preuaile . Truth is simplex et nuda , sed efficax et magna , simple and naked , but powerfull and strong : splendet cum obscuratur , vincit cùm opprimitur : it shineth when it is darkned , and ouercommeth when it is oppressed . Aug. ad Christin . It was well said of that Father , that Truth hath a double effect , it is dulcis & amara , sweet and bitter ; quando dulcis est , parcit : quando amara , curat : when it is sweet , it spareth : when it is bitter , it cureth . Arist. And as wisely Aristotle : Eos qui errant , ad pauca respicere : They that do erre , haue an insight , but into few things ; but that wee bee not deceiued , euery circumstance which concerneth any matter , is diligently to bee looked into and considered : which if it be , I doubt not but truth shall be of more validitie with you , then the malice , enuie and taunts of all men . For , I trust plainely to vnfold , that all the blame , and euils , how many and how great soeuer , which light vpon my aduersaries , are not so much to bee ascribed vnto mee ; as to their owne licenciousnesse , and vices . Secondly , That these euils ( if they be euils ) are not so grieuous , but farre more tolerable , then either they will or imagine . And thirdly , that I am the cause of much good , and do bring many and great commodities vnto men .

Bee you not therefore ( O Iudges ) bee you not ( I say ) perturbed in mind , or carried away with passions ; but quietly as you haue begun , heare me , I pray you , with patience . For , if I proue not plainely what I haue promised , it lieth in your power to condemne mee : so shall you acquit your selues of all partiality and blame ; and for my part , if I bee conuicted , I will contentedly vndergoe whatsoeuer punishment you shall inflict vpon me . But , if I make good all that I haue spoken , I desire , that you will not so much respect me , as be mindfull of your place and office , that I may receiue such vpright sentence , as the equity of my cause by law and right requireth .

But before I addresse my selfe to dissolue my aduersaries obiections , I thinke it fit to answere first to euill report and rumor of the people .

For , Ob. if thou be good ( will my enemies say ) and the cause of so much good vnto men , what then is the cause that all men so egerly hate , Sol. detest and abhorre thee ? For , though Fame doth very often ; yet is it not wont alwaies to erre , especially beeing so inueterate , and euery where so frequent in the world .

And , I againe would aske these iolly fellowes , mine accusers , Why doe Children hate their Schoole-masters , though neuer so wise and learned ? Why doe wicked men contemne good Lawes ? Is it not because the Schoole-master laboureth to furnish the minds of his Schollers with good Arts , and discipline ; that they may hereafter become the better men ? And Lawes are a bridle to curbe the insolencie of badde men , to restraine them within the limits of their duty , that they dare not commit what villanie they would . Epict. Epictetus was wont to say : Aegrisernator est medieus , iniuriam passi lex . The Physicion is a preseruer of the sick , and the refuge for the wronged , is the Law : Except the Lawes ( as Anacharsis once said ) may bee compared to the Spiders webbe , Anacharsis . which catch and insnare onely the little weake flies , when the great Drones and strong ones , break the net and escape : a thing much to bee lamented . But to returne from whence I haue digressed : it followeth not that the Schoole-master should be euill , because hee is hated of Children , neither that the Lawes should be blamed and reiected ; because they are abhord of lewd Luskes , and vaine Varlets , euen the worst kind of men ; but , wee must hold that children want iudgement , and do censure of Discipline and good Institution , as they whose Palate is corrupt , and infected with a feuer , are wont to doe of their meat and drinke : and vicious men polluted with all filthinesse , wish that there were no Lawes , that there might bee no hinderance to with-hold them from running boldly in their execrable and desperate courses . Hee is not therefore to be reputed euill , which of a multitude ; but he that is iustly , and that of good men condemned : neither is he presently to be counted a good man , who by many voices is extolled , but he that deserueth praise from the mouth of honest and wise men . And the witnesse of Conscience is more comfortable then the vulgar breath ; but herein I rest satisfied with this saying of the Reuerend Seneca : De remed. fortuiterum . Malè de me loquuntur , sed mal● ; mouerer si de me Marcus Cato , si Lalius sapiens , si duo Scipienes ista loquerentur : nunc malis displicere , laudari est . They speake euill of me , but they are euill men : if Marcus Cato , Wise Lalius , the two Scipt●●s , should speake this of me , I should be moued ; but to be dispraised of the wicked , is a praise to a man .

For seeing the number of wicked men doth euery where exceed , none , by their iudgement shall be good ; for they will commend none , but such as are like themselues ; but so far off should wise men be , from accounting the iudgement of the insulse vulgar sort , to be of any moment , that in their estimate , they should bee of the best men , of whom the multitude speake worst , and traduce most : as contrariwise , they the vilest men , and of basest esteeme , for the most part , whom popular applause extolleth to the clouds ; as the wise Plato rightly iudged : Whoso pleaseth euery humor is worthy suspition ; yea , though he maketh a faire shew of Vertue .

Let mine aduersaries therefore cease to obiect vnto mee these frantick rumors , and rather blame themselues , which are the cause of such paine and torments to themselues , as worthily they suffer ; For , they so liue , nay , they so drinke , they so plunge themselues in riot , and wallow in deliciousnesse , that they draw , compell , and hasten mee to come into their company , and to dwell with them euen against my will . For , seldome come I of mine owne accord ; but most commonly by constraint , as enforced , I attend vpon them . If then , I were the plague of man-kind , ( as they would haue it ) I should not afflict certaine men , but all without difference : but so farre am I from hurting all men , that I willingly decline from many ; for I take no pleasure in those hard , rough , rusticke , agresticke kind of people , which neuer are at rest , but alwaies exercise their bodie with hard labours , Genio indulgere . are euer moyling and toyling , which seldome or neuer giue themselues to pleasure , which endure hunger , which are content with a slender diet , the Water often quencheth their thirst , haue bad cloathing , and worse lodging , Whom the Gout flyeth from . fare hard , and lie hard , and can renounce all pleasures of the flesh : I hate , I flie from such .

But , With whome the Gout loueth to dwell . these my gallant accusers ( forsooth ) which spend both day and night in riot , whose bodies with Idlenesse are corrupted , which abhorre labour as the pestilence , which eneruate , yea , euirate themselues with Venus , which search Land and Sea for dainty Viands , which stirre vp gluttonie with all kind of sawces , which measure the manner of their drinking , not by necessity , but by libidinie , which lie on Downe beds , and not onely go proudly ; but monstrously apparelled , The Gouts Diet. which feede vpon Oysters , Ecles , and slimie-fish , loue Goose , Gosling , and Fennish-fowle , fresh Beefe , and moorish Birds , and wash their throats lustily with bowles of Claret wine , drinke healths in halfe pots , and whole pots , till they haue drunke themselues out of health , out of wealth , out of wit , and grace too ; forgetting that Vna salus sanis , nullam potare salutem : He that in health would long remaine , From drinking healths hee must abstaine . Which flow in all delights , which mans wickednesse can deuise , Si tarde cupis esse senex , vta●…s oportet vel modico medice , vel medico medice . Supta cibus tan quam , laedit medicina salutem : At suptus prodest vt modicina cibus . whereby they enfeeble both body and mind , and many times ( though I be very delicate ) prouoke mee euen to loath their riot ; yet , those men are wont to lay vpon me all the blame : forgetting their own liues are most corrupt , contaminated with filthy vices , which is the cause of all euill to themselues : and when they erre in the whole course of their life , yet ( for sooth ) they cease not to accuse , and traduce me , but as iustly as if a man should fall into the fire , or cast himself head long into the water , & yet should curse the fire , and accuse the water as cause of the danger , which he procured to himselfe : but this is the common courtesie of the world , to shake all blame from themselues , and cast it vpon others , that by accusing others , they might vindicate vnto themselues an opinion of goodnesse , when they are the occasion of all mischiefe . According to the Poet : — Hominum quoque mos est , Mantuanus . Que nos cunque premunt , alieno imponere tergo . What vs oppresse , and heau packes Wee loue to lay on others backes .

And heere iust occasion●… is offered me , Vertue the foundation of friendship . to exclaim against the slippery loue and friendship of the world ; For , who would suspect the loue of these men , which all their life long , call for me , inuite me ; yea , by their misgouernment enforce mee to dwell with them , as if they could not liue without me ? But indeed , in men , in whom is laid no foundation of Vertue , is no expectation of faith and honestie .

And one of the things ( saith a Wiseman ) that men think they haue , Gueuarra . when they haue them not , is many friends ; yea , one faithful friend : for , by my experience ; if thou wilt beleeue me , I know not any thing wherein thou maist sooner be deceiued . And that which one friend doth for another in these daies , Of true friendship . is either to excuse , or hide himselfe , when there is neede of him , beeing more ready to lend him his Conscience , then his money . And he that will compare the number that professe friendship vnto him , with them that haue performed the part of true friends ; for one faithfull , he shal discouer an hundred dissemblers . Friendship , was wont to extend Vsque A true saying . adaras , as farre as the Altars ; but now Vsque ad crumenas , euen to the purse and no farther . What is more common in euery mans mouth , then friendship , and what more rare , and lesse in vse ? They make a formall shew of ciuility , but what they performe is plaine diuillitie . They will dissemble cunningly , promise liberally , and performe niggardly , giue all , and depart with nothing . I am all yours ( say they ) except body and goods . Surely such is the loue of my Podagricall friends , so ful of contraieties , & oppositions , that it may be called an intricate riddle , which needeth som Delio natatore ( as it is in the Prouerb ) to dissolue it . PHILOMISOPHILIAS EICON . As , What is that which at once , loueth & hateth ; flyeth & pursueth ; threatneth & intreateth ; Difficilis , facilis , incundus , accr●bus es idem . is angry & yet pittieth ; would for sake , & yet wil not ; and in the same thing , reioyceth & sorroweth ? The answer is , it is Loue : a right portraiture of my louing friends : and therfore one wel aduiseth to make , if we may , all men our well-willers , but good men our friends .

And Plutarch warneth men to take heede how they seek for a swarme of friends , Mart. lib. 12. lest they fall into a Waspes-nest of enemies .

Verily , I craue not ( O ye Iudges ) that you should only credit my words ; looke ( I pray you ) into the constitution of their bodies , their face , skin , colour , aspect , and going : and if ye find not all these to witnesse their extreme riot , I will endure willingly any punishment ; these seeme to bee rather Crassiani , then Christiani . Yet farre bee it from mee , that I should censure thus sharply all Plethoricke , and grosse bodies ; for I know it to be naturall vnto many , which notwithstanding keepe themselues within the bounds of Sobrietie , and hate all excesse . There are also many Students which vse a Sedentarie life , which are so far from surfeiting , that their slender Commons will scarse hold body and soule together , and in whose Colledges a hungry man may as soone breake his necke , as his fast ; yet sometime I visite them also , because they refuse all exercise , and will not learne this lesson , Ne quid nimis , but by ouercooling their feete , and congealing their blood , prepare for mee a resting place .

I am wont also to touch some , which through ouer-violent exercise , dilate too much the vitall pores , extenuate the blood and humours , distemper the Liuer , causing Podagricall matter to fall downe , which begin my habite within them . I therefore am not so hurtfull , but they themselues inescate and allure me with their delicacies , retaine mee against my will to come vnto them ; they , I say peruert all things , and then conuert all the fault vpon mee . I am present , they wish me away : I am absent , with their vices they call me againe : in sicknesse they seeke healthe in health they make sicknesse . Their owne health they neglect , and cease not to require it of me : they are male factors to themselues , and would haue me be their benefactor : they will liue dissolutely , and curse me maliciously .

Consider therefore , ( O yee Iudges ) what they deserue , whose life reproueth them , whose forme of body bewraieth , whom inueterate custome reprehendeth . They neuer thinke , that they ought to eate and drinke , that they may liue , and not liue to eate and drinke ; they neuer consider that only Lurcones and Gulligu●s , are my enemies ; for , who I pray you , so bitterly inueigh against me , but only Luxurious men ? Who accuse me of cruelty , but only Luxurious men ? Who crye out to haue mee condemned without answere , but onely Luxurious men ? This beeing so , ( O Iudges ) how dare my aduersaries to mutter against me ? How dare they appeare in your presence ? How dare they to craue punishment to be inflicted vpon me , being Innocent ? But they will say , I am their bitter and torturing enemy ; What then ? In seeking to be reuenged on their enemy , will they proue themselues to be most rancorous and malicious ? Verily ; if I be so odious in their sight , that they thinke I deserue no pardon , why then contend they with al their power to draw me vnto them ? Why then do they not so frame their liues , that I may neither haue will , nor power to come neere them ? For ; if they would bridle their licencious lusts , and not so want only plunge themselues in pleasure , if then , they did not proue me more milde and gentle vnto them , I were worthily to bee blamed ; but it is hard for him to bee abstinent , which knoweth nothing but to follow riot , and hardly will he proue frugall , which al his life long hath been accustomed to carowsing and quaffing . Let them suffer therefore what they will not auoid , and so let them haue their health as they delight to liue ; If so greedily they pursue vaine pleasures , let them be content to suffer paine , the inseparable companion of pleasure .

The ancient Romans to teach this , Macrob. lib. 1. de so●●… . Scipionis . inuented this Fiction ; they fained two goddesses , the one called Volupia , the goddesse of pleasure , the other called Angeronia , the goddesse of anguish and paine , Miscentur tristia letis , et mala sunt vicina bonis . names fitted to their natures : and the Priests of Angeronia did serue at the Altar of Volupia , to signifie , that in this life , pleasure and sorrow are mixed together : and the Image of Angeronia ( anguish and paine ) was alwaies set vpon the Altar of Volupia ( pleasure ) to teach that sorrow is a companion to pleasure , Plato in Phaedone . and pleasure to sorrow . And when Iupiter ( saith Plato ) could not reconcile pleasure and paine , yet hee bound them together with an adamantine chaine , that though they did euer disagree , yet they should bee constrayned to dwell together . Ambrose . S. Ambrose hath this prosopopaeia of pleasure : Pleasures Proclamation . He shall be the chiefest with me , who is the worst of all , hee shall be mine , which is not his owne , he that is most wicked , shall be most welcome to me , I haue in my hand the golden Babylonish cup , which inebriateth the whole earth .

You see now , they greatly erre , which in the gulfe of pleasure , seeke for health : as contrariwise , wise men in time of health , labour to preuent sicknes , quench pleasure , suppresse their inordinate appetites , which are the cause of many disastrous diseases to the body : but these men , when for many yeeres , by all meanes they allure , intise , and prouoke me to come vnto them , and with so many delights , can scarse make me obsequious vnto them , yet they striue to lay all the fault vpon me , when they are the very cause of their owne misery . What maruaile then if I take worthy reuenge vpon them , and for iniuries receiued , handle them more sharply then I would ? And yet I could name many , which through in ordinate liuing , being pinched with pouerty , haue against their wills abstained from delicious meates , and drinks , and thereby haue recouered their pristine health : which could not be , if themselues , and not I , were not the hatchers of their owne woe . And for my part , seeing I giue place vnto labour , and dare not once touch sobriety ; who seeth not my innocency , and the iniquity of mine accusers ? And for mine owne person and deformed forme , which they say , resembleth barrell-bellied Bacchus , and my gate , like haloing Vulcane , I am so far off from blushing , that I rather glory therein . She is indidifferent to all . For whatsoeuer , and howsoeuer I am , I know my selfe to be indifferent , and without parciality to all . I arrest Kings , Princes , rich and poore , noble and ignoble ; yea the Popes themselues cannot escape my power : there is no respect of persons with me ; except I be constrained to bee a ghest rather , with nice and effeminate men , then with sober and abstinent persons , not only because by their flattering enticements they solicite mee ; but because with strong ropes they drawe me vnto them .

But here some wil obiect , Ob : that I do not onely infest these riotous Gully-guts , but oftentimes such as are very sober and temperant , are afflicted with my disease .

I answer , Ans. If it be so , yet is it very seldome , and therfore not to be drawn to a generall rule . What if they take this griefe from their Parents as an hereditarie euill ? What maruaile then , if their Progenitors bee sickly , that they procreate an Off-spring like vnto themselues ? You know it is a maxime in Nature : Simile generari a simili : Euery creature begetteth his like : How then can they charge me with that which is incident by Nature , or diffused into the children by the Parents default ? Seeing they will not affirme , that their noble descent and splendor of their riches are deriued from mee , let them leaue also to reproach me with anothers vice : and if they repute the noblenesse and riches of their Ancestors to be a credite vnto them , let them not disdaine to succeed them also in their hereditary Maladies ; but if they would leuell their liues by the line of modesty , they should find me farre more gentle , then either the deserts of their Parents , or peruersenesse of Nature requireth .

Galen , Hier. in epist. or the learned interpreter of Galen ( sayth Hierom ) writeth , that they , quorum vita & ars sagina est , whose whole life and skill is to cramme their bodies , can neither liue long nor be healthy .

Wisely did Aristotle warne , Aristotle . that we should behold pleasures non venientes , sed abeuntes , that is , not as fawningly they come vnto vs , but as they depart from vs : for as they come , they flatter and smile vpon vs , with a false shew of goodnesse , but departing , they leaue behind the sharpe sting of repentance and sorrow . Like Syrenes they appeare with a faire face , but drawe after them a horrible taile of a Serpent : For , alas , who is able to number the iliades of miseries , which the short pleasure , of tasting the forbidden fruit , hath brought vpon the world ?

But now , A preseruatiue against the Gout . out of the abundance of my good nature , I will prescribe vnto mine accusers a preseruatiue against my selfe ( though my Clients haue not deserued the least kindnesse at my hands ) out of mine approued Recipes , as by many yeeres practice I haue tryed to bee of great force , to preuent my Gouty habite ; which is this : Take of Platoes breake-fast one dramme ; Pythagoras abstained from eating of flesh . Plato was very moderate and frugall . Codius a poore man , whose fare and lodging was meane . Abstemius , one that abstaineth from wine . of Pythagoras dinner two ounces ; of Abstemius supper as much as thou wilt , and quietly take thy rest in Codrus Cabine , and vse vpon this ( daily ) good actiue exercise of thy body ; and then a strawe for Dame Podagra , and her disease .

Si salutem cupis , aut pauper sis oportet , aut vt pauper viuas . Petrac . de remed. If thou desire health , be a poore man , or liue as a poore man .

Now to the second thing which I promised to proue : Men haue little reason to accuse me of cruelty , for I am not so bitter and austere to my people ( my impatient Patients ) as to giue them no remission and ease of their paine , as many other diseases are wont to be ; which continually , without intermission , torment and afflict wretched men , as the Phthiriasis , Phthiriasis , the lowsie disease . Mentagra , a pocke or fretting scabbe . the Mentagra , the Leprosie , and a number such like diseases which are rebellious , and refuse all cure , and neuer forsake a man but with his life : but I am sometimes quiet , I giue ouer , and grant a long pause and rest to my subiects ; like a good Husband-man , who is wont to vnyoke is wearied Oxen , and permitteth them to bee refreshed with rest and good pasture .

Againe , I am so gracious vnto them , knowing them ( for the most part ) to be of an haughty and proud heart , and to stand much vpon their Generositie , I satisfie their humour so far , that I become an Heraldesse vnto them , and doe blaze their armes fitted to their nature , and permit them Oneris causa ( honoris I would say , we Feminines be bad Grammarians ) to make ostentation openly of their ancient family and descent , which they euer carrie in their faces : and this is the cause that you should see their foreheads decked with painted pustulls , their noses adorned with precious pyropes , vpon their cheekes they beare curious wrought Carbuncles , and such like Escochions , that you may know that their birth is not base and obscure .

Besides , I am not so hurtfull as some affirme ; as it plainly appeareth by this : That no man is much grieued , when he heareth his friend to be taken with the Gout , but is rather merrie ; he commeth vnto him , laugheth , iesteth , hee presenteth him with some pretie gifts , sitteth by him , talketh pleasantly , and as it were congratulateth with him , as doe also his kinde neighbours , which come daily to visite him ; which surely they would neuer doe , if I were so dangerous , troublesome and hurtfull , as they pretend ; for there is no man , when he heareth his friend to be affected with any incurable Maladie , that will laugh , sport and iest , but rather weepe and be sad : for how can he be a friend , that laugheth at the misery of a friend ? and if men laugh at me , they plainly shew , that they think me on t to be the plague of humane kinde .

Againe , marke ( I beseech you ) my gentle and louing proceedings with my subiects : Note . first , before I afflict them , I warne them , by touching a little their great toe ; telling plainly : If they refraine not from contrary meates , keepe not a good dyet , but inuite me by their intemperancy , I will pinch them to the quicke , and ( like Proteus ) alter my forme and name : I will possesse the whole foote only , and then my name is Podagra ; If they will take no warning , but wallow in their ryot , I will then proceed farther , strike harder , and come vp to knee , and then I will bee called , Genugra : if they still giue a deafe eare , and not leaue to prouoke mee , I will bee the Sciatica in their hippes , then the Chyragra in their hands ; and lastly , I will whip them indeed , and bee PANTA PERI PANTON , and possesse their whole body so , that they shall haue little ioy to sing the Epicures song : Viuite Lurcones , Comedones , viuite ventres . Ye Spend-thrifts , Tospots , Belli-gods , liue ye , be lustie .

This being so , Membrifragus Bacchus cum membrifraga Cytheraea , progenerant natam membrifragam Podagram . how can men iustly accuse me , which so louingly warne them , and bid them beware , for hee that is well warned , is halfe armed ? Againe , when I begin ( being so often called vpon ) to infest any body ; you shal see the whole company of his friends flocking vnto him , not to trouble him with distastefull cauills , but to recreate his mind with pleasant discourses , & as congerrones lepidissimi , spend the day in mirth , In Graec. Epigram . which would neuer be , if I , the causer of this pleasure , were away .

By this which I haue sayd it is manifest , that there is no man of so obtuse and dull conceit , but plainely seeth that mine enemies do not only vniustly accuse me , but also shew themselues to be the bruers of their owne bane , and if there be any fault in me , it is farre lesse then they thinke or would haue it .

But now for my kind slaue M. The couetous wretch . Muck-worme ( that I may not passe him ouer without a name ) the couetous Caitife , that Churle , I meane , that cunning Chymist , that hath the skill to conuert euery thing into gold , who hath studied all his life the blacke Art , to coniure coyne by all meanes into the circle of his purse ; he will not heare the complaints of the poore , for he is deafe to the cries of his owne belly , hee wrinkleth his owne skin , and contracts his owne corps , that he may keepe me out ; hee hath long stolne from many , and now hee is become a plaine Rob-thiefe , and stealeth from himselfe .

Now , because this slaue keepeth his coine to look on only , and not to vse , putteth the best metall in his coffer , and the worst meate into his mouth , so crosseth pride ( which holdeth the dearest things the best ) that he counteth nothing good for his stomake , but what is cheapest , and that he may not diminish his stock , Nil praeter betas duraque rupa vorat . to saue charges , denieth wholsom aliments to his own body ; and feedeth on grosse flesh , watrish herbes and roots , Alciat . fusty , musty , mixed , mity , mouldy meats : all his exercise is to sit in his Counting-house , and to looke vpon his Nouerints ; or in the chimney corner poring in an Almanacke to presage a dearth , and in a plentifull yeere would euen hang himself , with sorrow , were it not for charges to buy an halter , and is already the diuels Lacky ; I will also make him my slaue , for his liuer being by such dyet corrupted , his bloud putrified , infinit crudities increased , I will prepare a seate in his sinewes for me to fit , I will minister iustice in his ioints , and send him speedily to his blacke master Pluto , to dwell in Acheron for euer ; but inough of this : I haue long abused your patience with vnpleasant discourse , now to make amends , I wil proceed to a more pleasing subiect , and speake of the commodities and profit , which I am wont to cause vnto men : only I shall request you ( ô ye Iudges ) as hitherto yee haue done , to giue an attentiue care to what I shall say . I deny not , that to many I seeme very troublesome and grieuous ; but if they would rightly consider , they should verily finde many good things , which by my meanes they enioy , which , were it not through my benefit , they should want . The commodities of the Gout . How many ( I pray you ) for my sake are honored , to whom no man els would giue the way ? for as soone as they see me a companion with any , euery man giueth place , lest they should throng or hurt me ; yea though they be farre my betters both by age and condition . Many ride stately in Coaches , or are carried on horse-back , which were it not for me , might goe on foote . I am willed oftentimes , euen before Kings and great States to sit when all other doe stand : yea many times when I ioine my selfe with Noble men ( for commonly I neuer depart from such ) Princes themselues cause their seruants to bring me a stoole , or chaire , when otherwise I might stand long inough . Consider ( ô Iudges ) whether these things be not of high esteeme and request with all men ? which all men desire , which all men seeke for ?

And not only at meetings , but at feasts also I am honoured before others : for commonly I am placed in the highest roome , and though the table bee furnished with variety of dishes ; yet because all meates are not agreeable to mee , and likewise that it bee not offensiue to my disease , one dainty dish or other is prouided onely for me of purpose ; and all others holding their peace , I only am permitted , and willed to call for whatsoeuer I thinke fittest and conuenient for my infirmitie ; and is not this ( I pray you ) a great honour ?

But haply some froward cauiller may here reply : This is done not for honour sake , but in regard of their miserie . I answere , that men are wont to respect not so much , why a thing is done , as the good that commeth thereby ; and it is sufficient to me , that I am permitted to doe that , which is not granted to another , and this I repute a great honour : a poore man considereth not so much why , or from whence hee receiueth a benefit , as hee is glad in the present fruition thereof .

And why speake I of poore men ? Doe wee not daily see rich and great men to possesse whole Fields , Mannors , Lordships , and yet little regard whether by right or wrong , so they may haue and enioy them ? And I doubt not but there are many poore men that would thinke themselues happie , if they might exchange their pouertie for this calamity , Hee speaketh according to their manners in Germanie . and bee freed from labour , and suffer no want . And what , I pray you , is more delicate then those rich men , with whom I dwell ? what more neate then their furniture ? what more elegant then their houses ? If thou come to visite them , thou shalt find their lodgings , not to lye sluttish , rude and filthy , as other mens , but all things are cleane , bright and finely trimmed , and decked like the Tauernes at a Faire , or as the Temples vpon high festiuall dayes ; so that thou shalt finde many which had rather bee sicke with such abundance , then be in health with extreame pouertie .

Beside , their visiting friends present them with whatsoeuer excellent and elegant thing the whole Citie affordeth , which may either delight the eyes , please the taste , or recreate the care : there shall yee see things curiously wrought ; thither are brought of rathe and first fruits , and what nouelty soeuer the season of the yeere can produce : there is to be seene whatsoeuer is strange and delectable among men ; there are not wanting such as carrie rumors , and newes , and with pleasant tales recreate the minde , and mitigate griefe ; yea , the affaires of Emperours , Kings , States , Countries , either of peace or warre , are related , descanted vpon , censured , decided among themselues ; one telleth what is done among the Indians , another , among the Italians , another discourseth of France , Spaine , Germany , &c. Of all these things , by my meanes , men haue intelligence , though ( perhaps ) they are ignorant what is done in their owne houses ; Torqueo . podigra . and thus whiles I detaine men with my businesse , I oftentimes preserue them from great dangers . R. Nescis sencctutis mo●em ? incomitata non venit ; magnam saepe morbo●um aciem ducit . For , as long as a man is afflicted with the Gout , they will neither commit themselues to the raging Seas , nor expose themselues in hunting , to the furie of wild Beasts , they will not quarrell , fight , or commit murther , they neede not feare the breaking of their head , through the fall of a stone from an house ; Petrace . de remed. vtausque for . lib. 2. dial. 84. sed extra teli iactum , but safe from all danger , securely heare the misfortunes of others spoken of .

Againe , do I not free men from the managing of state affaires , and from the most troublesome busines of the Court and of Princes , which without my fauour would perplex them with perpetuall cares , and sorrowes ? And yet , in the meane time , I am not wanting and carelesse ( you must thinke ) in my domesticall businesse ; but like a good husband , I strenuously crie vpon my companie ; I counsaile , yea and compell them to apply their worke , looke vnto their charge for the increasing of my wealth ; which I may the more easily doe , the lesse I am hindred by walking abroad . For , though sometime my feete deny their office , yet it followeth not , that they should bee altogether vnprofitable to my Cellars , Store-houses , and questuary Arts ; but the more impotent they are to walke from home , the more apt a great deale are they to my domesticall gaines : the masters eye , they say , maketh his horse fat : and I by sitting in my chaire , or going vpon 3. legges about the house , with a Snayles pace , doe get more wealth , and acquire more riches , then I possibly could by running about , Haec his bina , canes , & aues , serui , atque caballi . hawking , hunting , gaming , riding , company-keeping , and vaine pleasures : and thus you see in my bands men wex more wealthie , then if they enioyed their full libertie , Dicuntur dominos saepe vorare suos . so beneficiall I am to my seruants , in making them rich .

These ( ô Iudges ) are things not to be contemned : Hounds , hawkes and horse , seruants and whores , oft turne their masters out of dores . but you shall heare farre greater ; for whiles I am thus occupied about things pertaining to the body , I do not in the meane time neglect the minde , but haue a speciall care for the culture and adorning thereof . You are not ignorant , that learning , and the knowledge of good Arts , are to be preferred before all riches and honors : for look how much difference there is betweene a stock and a man , so much a learned wise man excelleth an vnlearned Dolt . But I am a most excellent Teacher of Arts , and I could name many , which through my benefit , haue attained to great learning and knowledge of the tongues : for while they haue nothing els to doe , they addict themselues to good litterature , and that they might not suffer their time vainely to slip away , they dayly contend to become more learned : but what speake I of ordinary learning ? am not I most expert in instituting my seruants in the liberall Sciences , and in all circular knowledge of the globe ? especially in that most pleasant and skilfull Art of Musike , Musike . by whose harmony , sweet Symmetricall measures and modulations , I expell cares , and wonderfully with my admirable tones of Musike delight the eares .

I also teach them the Art of Rethorike ; Rhethoricke . for I am not ignorant thereof , as far as is requisite for vs Females to know : for as soone as a man in taken with the Gout , I presently furnish him with matter of excuse out of the very bowels of Rethorike , for they are ashamed to confesse my disease : one sayth , that hee wrung his foot with a strait boot ; another , that hee hurt his toe against a stone ; another saith , with a slide hee hath wrested his ankle ; another , that he tooke a fall : and very ingenious they are to frame excuses to conceale their griefe , and blind mens eyes very craftily , and not only perswasiuely after the manner of Rethoricians , but also like Logicians , subtilly reasoning and disputing , with many arguments , and al to shake off the imputation of my disease , which they are ashamed ( forsooth ) to acknowledge ; yea , and confirm it by oath too , if you wil not beleeue them , so hatesome is my name vnto them . But to omit these inferiour sciences , doe not I also furnish with knowledge of the celestiall Orbes ? Astrologie . as Astrologie , a most ancient and diuine Art , the prayses whereof , if I would , yet I am not able to vnfold , an Art so excellent , that the ancients ascribe the inuention thereof to their supposed gods , and was in old time in such account , that none but Kings and wise men were thought worthy of the knowledge thereof .

This Art I teach my seruants , and so infuse it into their bodies , Arithmeticke . that euen the Art of numeration , or Tables , they perfectly vnderstand it : not that they are ignorant in Arithmeticke , which I teach them , when ( as I said ) they are so much giuen to pecuniarie matters , that being holden in my bonds , they are more auaricious then when they were free .

But marke now ( I pray you ) a miracle , which wonderfully commendeth my force and industry : to vnderstand the motions & change of the heauens , they need no Tables , Globes , Astronomicall instruments , or figures ; for before there happen any coniunction , eclipse , any alteration of weather , the change , full , quarters of the Moone , or any dire aspect of the Planets , I cause them to know it , not so much in minde , as in very deede to feele the effects thereof in their bodies .

And that , not only in the great and splendent lights , they are so perfect , but also in the errant stars ; so that the infaust aspects , either of cold Saturne , or raging Mars , or when they obliquely behold each other ; Horoscope is a diligent marking of the time of the birth of a child . or when the Horoscope it selfe , or the Moon the gouernesse of mans life , shall be infected with their disastrous influences , all this cannot bee hidden from them . There are none that can more exactly and certainly foretell of stormes , raine , haile , snowe , tempests , or any alteration of weather then my seruants can , for they alwaies carrie a Kalender in their bones ; yea , they presage this two or three dayes before it come : and may they not ( I pray you ) through this presaging of times and seasons attaine vnto ripe wisedome , which consisteth in these three things ?

Corrige praeteritum , rege presens , cerne futurum● . What 's past , amend , vse praesent well , Presage the future to fore-tell .

Are not these great things ( ô ye Iudges ) and full of admiration ? yet is it also no lesse prayse-worthy , that I teach my Podagricall seruants , Physike . the excellent Art of Physike , then which , scarce any thing more singular , for the preseruation of mankinde , is giuen of God : This I inculcate and beate into their heads , euen against their wils . So that many times they vnderstand the vertue of hearbs , flowers , plants , seeds , rootes , trees , gummes , leaues , mineralls , more exactly then the Physicions themselues : besides , their knowledge in the bloud of beasts , their skinnes , milke , galls , fat , bones , nerues , and vrine , &c. I instruct them to discerne what is cold and what is hot , what is drie and what is moyst , what is stipticke and what is repulsiue , what is aperitiue , attractiue , instauratiue , and solutiue , what in vertue is of the first degree , what of the second , what of the third : and this I teach them not onely to know , but also to practice , in making pultisses , cataplasmes , baths , repercussiues &c. as in all other things , so in this , I make my seruant excell not only in Theoricke , but also in the Practick : no maruell then if by my meanes they know the histories of all Nations , and read the fables of all Poets , and ( which is a note of a generous mind ) when others make a gaine of their profession , I teach all this freely , without any hire at all . And when other Emperickes proue practices , by killing a number , my experience is safe and secure : hence came this saying ; Nouo medico nouo opus est sepulcreto , a new Physician had neede of a new Church-yard ; A pretie tale . and therefore Nicocles affirmed , that such Physicians were the happiest of all men , and why ? Quontam successus eorum sol videt , errores autem tellus operiret , because the sunne seeth their good successes , but their errors are hid in the ground , The Kings Euill , or Yellow Iaundise , which through the ouerflow●ng of the gall , maketh the skinne looke yellow like gold . that is , in the graue : yet are they so insolent and proud , that a stranger vpon a time comming into a Citie , and seeing a Physician ietting in golden chaines , and rich clothing , asked what Noble man that was ? it was answered , that he was no Noble man ; but a Physician . He replyed , ô God , what an honest Physician is this , which taketh from other bodies the Kings Euill , and putteth it on his owne body ! Hippocrates . But if my seruants would follow Hippocrates counsaile : Cibus , potus , somnus , venus , sint omnia moderata ; Meate , drinke , sleepe , venus , let all bee with moderation , perhaps they would little need my physike or theirs .

These things being so : yee vnderstand , as I thinke , ( O vpright Iudges ) what great benefits I bestow vpon mine accusers , and also how vngratefully , yea , more then barbarously they requite my kindnesse ; but what they haue been long deuising to obiect against that which I haue sayd , I know well enough : to wit , that all these things are not to be reputed as benefits , but rather as markes of extreme miserie , and that I am the bane and mischiefe of mankinde , rather then a fautrixe or benefactrixe : A description of beautie . for first , for the beauty of the face , which is wont to chaine all men in the linkes of the loue thereof , which consisteth ( as wee Females best know how to describe it ) in a large , square , well extended , and cleere front , eye-browes well ranged , thinne and subtill , the eye well diuided , cheerefull , sparkling ; as for the colour , I leaue it doubtfull : the nose leane , the mouth little , the lips corraline , the chinne short and dimpled , the cheeks somewhat rising , and in the middle a pleasant louely gelasin , Gelasin , is a little dint , which in laughte , appeareth in the cheekes , counted louely . the eares round and wel compact , the whole countenance with a liuely tincture of white and vermilion red , facies roseo niueoque colore mista placet , this ( say they ) I change and marre , and exhaust the bloud , weaken the strength , take away sleepe , dimme the sight , diminish alacritie , abandon ioy , sport and laughter , incurue the ioynts , fingers , toes , and infeeble the whole body , and staine and obscure the fresh colour : but in this long and idle friuolous obiection , they shew themselues to bee sicke in minde ; and therefore iudge rather by this passion , then discerne by reason : these doltish men know not , that they attribute vnto mee much more praise then disgrace among wise men , by this their accusation ; for while I weaken the body , I cure the Soule ; while I afflict the flesh , I strengthen the Spirit ; while I purge out what is earthly , I bring in what is heauenly ; while I diminish what is temporary , I conferre what is eternall .

No man is ignorant , that the bodie is the polluting prison of the Soule , the Soule cannot florish except the body fade and diminish ; for this grosse lumpe of the flesh is an impediment vnto the Soule , that it cannot mount aloft in the contemplation of heauenly things , it layeth a thousand lets , and casteth as it were darke clouds , whereby the sharpnesse of the minde is obfuscate and blinded , that it cannot see nor follow the truth ; and with how many cares and anxieties are men pearced , in procuring the things pertaining to this mortall body , and vse of this fraile life ? I speak not of superfluous things , but of things very necessarie , though ( as the Poet sayth : ) — minimis rebus contenta quiescit Natnra , in vitium si non dilapsa repugnat . Mans nature with a little thing contented doth remaine , Except it headlong falne to vice , it doth repugne againe .

And what is aboue necessaries , may be called the sicknesses or maladies of the minde , as pleasures , opinions , feares , perturbations , desires , loue , hatred , &c. which seldome or neuer permitteth the minde to be at rest , like the violent force of fire , which causeth the water alwaies to boile vp till it be remoued . For what ( I pray you ) stirreth vp warres , brawles , murthers , seditions , rapines , iniuries ; but the flesh and the desire of hauing which is neuer satisfied ? For wee see now a dayes mony is able to atchiue all things . And all this the loue of this fraile body compelleth vs to doe , which is the cause , that while we pamper vp the body our thoughts are farre estranged from any care taking of the Soule , and our mindes distracted from prouiding for the life to come ; for our senses are like vnto violent horses , which without the reines of reason runne away violently with the chariot , but the soule like a waggoner holdeth the bridle ; and therfore as horses without a guide , so the flesh without reason and rule of the minde runneth hastily to its owne ruine : what a slauery is it then to serue our owne appetite ? I remember a lesson which I learned long agoe of a learned Preacher : D. B. That in choosing a Master euery man will shun three sorts of men ; his enemie , his fellow , his seruant . Hee that serueth the Diuell , serueth his greatest enemy ; he serueth his fellow , who serueth the lust of the flesh ; he serueth his seruant , who serueth the world ; it is a base seruice to serue the world , for that is to become a slaue to our seruant : it is an vncertaine seruice to serue the flesh , for it is so fraile , weake and sickly , that he may looke euery day to be turned out of dores , and which is worst of all , it is least contented when it is most serued ; but to serue the diuell , is the vnthriftiest seruice of all , for the wages hee payeth , is eternall death .

Wherefore , wise men are wont to sequester themselues as farre as they may , from the commerce of the bodie and worldly affairs , to the end , that the mind may the more freely bee lifted vp to the contemplation of heauenly things ; and the more a man is auerted from the bodie , the more hee is conuerted to heauenly meditations , hee abstaineth from fleshly desires , he subdueth his pleasures , he little esteemeth honors riches , nobilitie , fame , and whatsoeuer the world holdeth most precious : he feareth not ignominie , pouertie , affliction , nor death it selfe , and all things which are contrarie to the flesh , that hee most desireth . And wise men are wont to measure their life not by the number of yeeres , but by the time they haue liued well .

I haue read of one Similus , who hauing spent the greatest part of his life , A Historie . in the troublesome employments of the weale publick , and being now old , retired himselfe into a Farme hee had in the Countrie , and gaue himselfe to prayer and contemplation ; and when hee dyed , commanded this Epitaph to be set vpon his Tombe :

Hic iacet Similus , cuius at as multorum a●●orum fuit , ipse duntaxat septem annos vixerit .

Here lyeth Similus , whose age was of many yeeres , but he liued only seuen .

But whoso serueth his bodily sences , besides that hee must needs depart from the path of vertue , he shall neuer obtaine what he desireth : for being deceiued with the false shewes of goodnes , he loseth the substance for to catch the shadow , and as the body tooke beginning from the earth , so the soule had her originall from heauen , as one saith not vnfitly : Immortall soule , from heauen God gaue , But bodie fraile , from earth we haue .

The body as a seruant should be subiected vnto the command of the soule ; the one is heauenly and immortall , the other common to vs with the brute beasts . Nothing therfore is more excellent then the soule , nothing more diuine , it as farre excelleth the body , as the master doth his seruant , as the liuing doth the dead ; and as the body maketh earthy things its full scope and marke whereat it only aymeth , so the minde erecteth it selfe to heauenly things , as to the proper end for which it was created . Yee see here ( O Iudges ) how much more noble the Soule is then the bodie .

But now will I addresse my selfe , The prrfite it causeth to body and soule . to shew what a passing excultrix and adorner I am of the minde , and how much I garnish the celestiall Soule , whiles I extinguish the vices of the bodie ; albeit I doe not alwaies hurt the bodie , but am wont commonly to profit it also : for I attenuate superfluous fatnesse , I drie vp humours which redound through intemperance , and consume them , lest they should encrease to a huge greatnesse , and bring no small danger to the whole bodie . Againe , as Physicians affirme , I also prolong the life : for except I did depell and driue down to the feet and ioints that noxious and pernicious matter , it would doubtlesse assault the braine , heart , liuer , and stomake , and soone extinguish the vitall spirits : But to omit those things which pertaine to the body , let vs proceed to mens vices and infirmities , which I aboue others am very expert to cure ; so that in this Art I yeeld to none , whether Philosopher or Diuine : for I am not only an impediment and curbe to my seruants , that they runne not headlong in wickednesse , but also the vices which through custome are become inueterate , I extirpate and expell , and cause that they shall not sinne vnpunished and scot-free , which if I did not , they would neuer desist from their wickednesse , but stil adde sinne vnto sinne , euill vnto euill , til sinne forsake them .

Now first for this Monster pride , Pride . which is puppis ac prora , the very head and taile of all euill , I must a little insist vpon this as I learned of a Preacher .

Gregory ( sayth he ) maketh 4. kinds of proud men : 1. The arrogant proud . Mor. lib. 23. cap. 27. 2. The presumptuous proud . 3. The boasting proud . 4. The despising proud person . The first attributeth euery good thing in himselfe , to himselfe , and not vnto God . The second will confesse God to be the giuer of all graces , but vpon their owne merit . The third boast of their vertues , which indeede they haue not . The fourth affecteth a kinde of singularity and puritie , in that he hath , or supposeth to haue : Vitia catera in peccatis superbia , etiam in benefactis timenda , when other sinnes dye , secret pride gets strength in vs , ex remedijs generat morbos , euen vertue is the matter of this vice ; Aquin. par. 1. quaest. 63. Art. 2. though all sinnes are in the diuell secundum reatum , in respect of the guilt , yet only pride and enuie is in him secundum effectum , according to the effect , he is guilty of all sinne , for he tempteth to all sinnes , but pride is his owne proper sinne , Bern de Passio . his beloued Paragon ; his Rimnon , saith Bernard , his Character , Dom. cap. 19. saith another , it was the first sinne , and it shall be the last ; for as other sinnes decrease , secret pride doth increase : pride is like Coloquintida , which spoileth the whole pot of pottage . Why then art thou proud , ô dust and ashes , whose conception is sinne , Ecc. 10. whose life is miserie , whose end is rottennesse and corruption ? Initium vitae coecitas , & obliui● possidet , progressum labor , dolor exitum , error omnia ; et diu viuendo portant funera sua . Petrarch . Childhood is but foolish sottishnes , youth but a precipitate heate , manhood labour and carking carefulnesse , olde age but a bundle of diseases , and all the rest error , and the end , extreme paine : Oh then what a folly is pride ?

Si tibi copia , si sapientia , formaque detur , Sola superbia destruit omnia si committetur : If thou hast abundance , with wisedomes redundance , and beauties faire grace , Yet Pride all disgraceth , all goodnes debaseth , and Vertues deface .

But I make pride and ambition strike their sayles , and coole their courage , when my force teacheth them how lesse then nothing mans arrogancie is , how vaine is beauty , how weake the strength of body , how fluid our humours , how fleeting our wealth , Nobilitie a nest of nothings , humane glory but a gust of wind ; I cause them to remember that they are but mortalls , whom pride perswaded to be Gods equalls . En●ie . Againe , while I teach the myriades of mans miseries , I quench enuy , emulation , detraction , and the impertinent care of vnnecessary things . For how can men be curious in other mens matters , when they haue more then enough to doe with their owne ? I take away malice and cauils , so that my seruants deuise no cunning , craftie circumuentions of their neighbours , a thing too common ( but with none but Atheists ) in these dayes . They stirre vp no strife , brawlings , contention among others , which haue enough and more then enough to do with their owne griefs . And as for hatred and enuie , my seruants are so far from this vile passion , that they neither enuie , nor are enuied of others , ( for misery is no obiect for enuie ) and they deserue rather comfort and pitie .

These ( ô Iudges ) are matters of no small moment , but you shall heare greater . Three things hurtfull to the Gout . There are three things which are most infest enemies vnto my vassalls , though they daily receiue them , but vnto me they are very profitable : Gluttony , Venery and Anger . But I respect not so much mine owne profite , as the health of my seruants : I warne them diligently to beware of these enemies , and if I finde that they contemne my warnings , I take reuenge vpon them for their contempt , and make them for their owne case , hereafter be more wary how they set light of my precepts . Gluttony . And as often as by deuouring , they too much ingurge their guts , and superfluously gully downe wine , I am presently with them as a sharp reuenger , I plague them according to their deserts , and counsaile them henceforward not so lightly to esteeme my hests : yet am not I so agresticke and sterne , that I should denie moderate vse of meates , or altogether forbid Bacchus his liquor , but through my benefite they many times feede more delicately , Venu● . and are wont to drinke more freely ; especially , when they celebrate their solemnities with salacious Nymphes . But I deterre them from too much addicting themselues to the seruile seruice of that rude master Bacchus , and from being enthralled with the allurements of wanton Venus ; so that my seruants dare very seldome or neuer commit adulteries , or whoredomes , I keepe them from vncleannesse , and preserue mayd and wise from their pollutions : but if they be vnruly , I so gripe them , that they shall repent of their exorbitant causes , and loath the Femall sexe : what greater benefit can their best friends confer vpon them , then to deliuer them from so many euils , Anger . and exempt them from so many perils , as are wont to follow Cupid that blind beardlesse boy , and Venus a mother worthy such a sonne ? And now for anger , what should I say ? It is a vice full of fury and madnesse , which is wont to send hot and sharpe cholerick humors into their ioints , which shall incessantly pricke and torment them ; but none know better to cure this malady then my selfe ; they dare not for their life fall into these passions , lest I presently torment them , according to their deseruings , and make euen their bones to cracke .

Moreouer , as I expurge the flesh infected with infinite vices , so I adorn the mind and beautify it with many vertues , I suffer it not to be pressed downe , but doe eleuate it from earth to heauen , and stirre it vp to prayer and contemplation .

I thinke it cannot bee vnknowne vnto you , how the greatest part of men are inclined , that if fortune alwayes should fauour them , if their sweet should neuer be seasoned with sowre ; if the world should euer smile vpon them , they would alwayes fixe their minds vpon earthly things , they would regard nothing but backe and belly , and like swine wallow in the puddle of their pleasures : but the afflictions which I lay vpon them may be likened vnto the tree , called Rhamnus , whose root , leaues and branches , though ( as Physicions say ) they be exceeding bitter , yet are they very medicinable ; for the seede thereof purgeth the body of all grosse humours , and the iuice thereof cleereth the sight . So afflictions , Aug in Psal. though to flesh and bloud they seeme austere and bitter , yet are they very healthfull to the Soule , they purge out the noysome humor of sinne , cleere the eyes of the minde which prosperity blindeth , that wee may truly know our selues , see our owne corruption , and become henceforward more warie how we offend our louing God , and fly vnto him in al our miseries ; the scourge of affliction , awaketh the drowsie , humbleth the proud , purgeth the penitent , and crowneth the innocent .

But I feare I haue too much offended your patience with my tedious prolixitie : I will therefore conclude with setting downe certaine particulars , to proue what a precious panacea and all-saluing plaister I am for the curing of all spirituall infirmities of the soule : and first for Selfe-loue , the pernicious daughter of Pride , the fountaine of much euill , the Lerna malorum , the Sentina and packe of all mischiefe in the world . Now for the abating of this vice ; what remedy better then afflictions , which I lay vpon the flesh ? I cause men thereby to know themselues , that in their best estate they are but a dung-hil couered with snow , subiect to paine , aches , sores , rottennesse and corruption , we were all taken out and fashioned of the same lumpe of clay , of the same piece of earth as the poorest and basest whom wee so despise ; and so I teach men to esteeme of others as of themselues , seeing we are all made of the same substance , all subiect to the same infirmities , and all hastening to the same end to become meate for wormes . Why then art thou proud , O earth and ashes , seeing that in thy most florishing prime , thou art but filthy slime , a packe of diseases , a sacke of infirmities , a Store-house of miseries , thy body but compact of clay , thy head but a panne of earth , thy whole life besieged with a huge army of diseases , and euery one both threatning to arrest thee , and able to kill thee ? Thus with my disease I stoope the proudest , and make selfe-loue to quaile .

And for the Viper Enuie that miserable fretting slaue , a wretch euer sad and pensiue ; Anacharsis . for besides his owne griefes , he euer tormenteth himselfe at another mans felicitie : Senec. I say of him , as Seneca did once ; I could wish that the eyes of the enuious were so opened , that in euery towne they might behold all that be in prosperity , that their torments might be increased ; for as the ioies of others do increase , so the sorrowes of the enuious doe multiply : we can no way more vexe the enuious man , then by applying our selues to vertue : for he hath so many tormentors to scourge him , as his neighbour hath vertues to commend him . The poison of enuy is far worse then the poyson of Serpents ; for their poyson hurteth others , but not themselues : but the poyson of the enuious hurteth themselues but not others . Moreouer , the enuious man imagineth another mans good greater than it is , thereby to increase his owne sorrow and miserie .

To this purpose I remember a pretie tale ; Note a pretie tale . that certaine Physicions meeting together , there grew a question among them concerning the chiefest medicine for the eies : one said fennell , another eye-bright , another greene glasse , &c. Nay ( saith another merily ) it is enuie ; for that maketh other mens goods to seeme greater then they are , and confirmed it by this saying of the Poet : Fertilior seges est alieno , OVID. semper in agro , Vicinumque pecus grandius vber habet . The neighbours fields are euermore with corne much better spedde , Their flockes in milke more plentifull , how euer they be fedde .

There is a Fable , but it hath a good Morall , of the enuious man and the couetous man , they both went together into Iupiters Temple to pray : Note . Iupiter granted their petitions vpon this condition , that whatsoeuer the one did craue , the other should haue the same doubled ; the enuious man asked many things , and had them , but the other alwaies had them doubled ; the enuious man seeing this , was grieued , and praied that he might lose one eye , and then reioiced that his fellow had lost both his . See here what a diabolicall sinne enuie is , which careth not to hurt it selfe to doe a greater dammage vnto another .

But when I come to grapple with this Caytife , I will so perplexe him , and make him so wretched , that no man shall enuy him , nor himselfe haue little lust to enuy others . I tell him that he is most his owne enemy ; for the man whom he enuieth , may depart from him , but he can neuer depart from himselfe : whithersoeuer he goeth , hee carrieth his enemy still in his bosome , his aduersary in his heart , his owne destruction within himselfe , and thus I seeke to cure this malady .

And for Couetousnes , Couetousnesse . I am like the clubbe of Hercules to beat it downe : when paines and incessant torments enforce the couetous worldling to confesse , and meditate with himselfe , that riches are fickle , that the liues of the possessors are brittle , that transitory riches are but run-awayes , they will either runne from vs as they did from Iob , or we shall be taken from them , ( as the Preacher sayd ) of the couetous worldly minded ; Luc. 12. 20. Thou foole , this night shall thy soule be taken from thee . Abuc . 2. 3. The couetous man is like hell in the inlarging of his desires , Basil in hom. to containe all ; more greedie ( sayth Basil ) then the very fire which goeth out when the matter faileth : but Couetousnesse is neuer quenched , whose desire burneth as well when he hath matter , as when he hath none , Hee alwaies goeth with a three-toothed flesh-hooke ; the one is called Petax , which desireth all ; the other , Rapax , which catcheth at all ; the third , Tenax , which holdeth fast all . Now when the Gout gripeth him , I teach him to meditate thus with himselfe : O , what pleasure can I take in riches which I haue so greedily scraped together ? I see they can yeeld me no ease at all , no , not so much as free me from a fit of feuer : I now take no more pleasure in them , Qui cupit aut metuit , &c. they no more delight me , then as the Poet sayth : — Lippum pictae tabulae , Horat. vt fomenta podagraxs , Auriculas Cytherae , collecta sorde dolentes . Who couets , or who liues in feare , his goods do him delight , As much as blinde man pleasure takes in pictures finely dight ; Or one that 's deafe doth take delight in Musikes siluer sound ; Or as the Gout in foments , when the griefe doth most abourd .

What ioy take I now in my stately houses , which I haue built by theft ? in my large fields which I haue gotten by deceit ? my cursed sacriledge , in deuouring Christs patrimony , which will bee like the Eagles feather , to consume all that I shall leaue to my heire ? in my reuenues , for which I haue damned mine owne soule ? In my gold and siluer , which I haue heaped together with the sweat , yea with the bloud of the poore ? what comfort take I in my life it selfe which I haue so vnprofitably spent , when I made my heapes my heauen , my gold my god , my lands my life ? I see now I haue chosen drosse for gold , rust for siluer , losse for gaine , shame for honour , toile for rest , hell for heauen . I see now , all worldly cares are frustrate , and fruitlesse ; I wil therfore aspire to heauenly treasure , which is eternall , which no rust can corrupt , no moth fret , no theeues steale ; in regard wherof all other things are but dung and drosse . I will now fixe my desires vpon the life to come , where there shall bee no sicknesse to afflict me , no maladie to torment mee , no griping griefes to assault me . Thus , where there is any sparke of Gods Spirit , I teach men seriously to meditate ; Happy , and thrice happy they , which haue the grace thus to suppresse their inordinate desires of riches .

The ambitious man in his swelling humour , Ambition . which by all meanes seeketh to aspire vnto dignities and honour , who had rather be vulpeculae caput , quàm cauda leonis , the head of a foxe , then the tayle of a lyon , as the Prouerbe is : when I visite him , I cause him soone to strike his loftie sayles , I humble him , and enforce his haughty heart to stoop , I make him to know that he is like a Carbuncle , which is the name of a precious stone , and of a swelling sore or tumor : hee hath together glittering glorie , and wounding woe , hee liueth inter malleum & incudem , betwixt the hammer and the Anuile , Duplici laborat inuidia , inuidetur ei , & inuidet ipse Senec. in Epist. 85. betweene hope and feare : I tell him that honour is not in honorato , sed in honorante , not in him which is honoured , but in the mutable breath of the vulgar people : hee is sicke of a two-fold enuie , he enuieth others , and others enuie him . I cause him with Moses , to choose rather to suffer affliction with the people of God , then to enioy the honours of Pharaohs Court : I make him consider , that weeping and gnashing of teeth is the reward of the proud , and the requitall of the honours which the wicked haue in this life ; I cause him seriously to say with himselfe : O why should I be so foolish as to suffer my selfe to be carried away with the vanities of pleasures , riches and honours , seeing I finde no contentation in them ? I enforce him when he groneth of the Gout , to crie out : Vanitie of vanities , all is but vanitie ; and thus though I afflict the bodie , I lift vp the Soule , to the contemplation of heauenly things .

Now to my deare darlings , Loose , licentious liucis . those loose , lewd , licentious , lecherous , luskish Libertines of the carnall Crue , my filthy slaues , a word or two : I can stile them with no better titles , because they alwayes solicite , trouble , allure , and vexe me with their importunate calls , and with their riotous liuing , euen enforce me to come vnto them : The Pockes . therefore I am seldome absent in mine owne person , or els I send my sister , the Lady Lues of Naples , to enfrenchise her selfe into their bones , a farre worse ghest then my selfe : and betwixt vs two they are so tormented , scourged and consumed , that our abundant humours , doe quickly put them out of their wanton humour , or els with feare , paine , and weaknesse vtterly disable them . Yet haue I an especiall regard of their Soules , for I cause them to consider , that this sinne shall neuer escape Gods reuenging hand , that they are no better then carnall Epicures , wholly sold ouer to iniquity , that they are like Stallions euer neighing after their neighbours wiues , 2. Pet. 2. 22. rather swine then men , whose delight is altogether to wallow in the puddle of filthinesse , that they are like the Centaures , and Minotaures , whose vpper parts resemble men , but in the lower parts they are very horses and bulls . I labour to bring them to true mortification of the flesh , as of whoredome , adulterie , gluttony , drunkennesse , reuenge &c. For what pleasure can the adulterer take in his fleshly lust , if he would but consider , Incipit a risu , curis coalcscit amaris , Desin●t in lacrymis improbus iste furor . Mant. that his euill life doth not onely ( as Gods iust plague ) fill him full of incurable diseases , but also makes him subiect to the eternall curse , to remaine in perpetuall torments , that his adulterie is a separation from Christ , and that the bed of his pleasures shall in the end bee the cabine of his teares , at the day of his death ? This sinne beginneth with mirth , is continued with cares , and endeth in torment . Wanton pleasures begin in lust , proceed with shame , and end ( for the most part ) with pockes and contagion . These pleasures ( as I heard our Preacher say ) are a deepe pit , Prou. 22. 17. and none , but with whom the Lord is angrie , shall fall into it . And so by this meditation I labour to bring them to repentance , that their soules may be saued in the day of the Lord .

As for my little Lullabies , The vanity of beautie . Mistris Wag-tayle , the Wanton , and her fellowes , whose florishing fresh figure maketh proud ( for fastus inest pulchris ) when the rose and the lilly striue in their face for preeminence , whose Coraline lippes , cheerry cheekes , vermillion dye , louely eye , golden haire , &c. and other endowments of Nature they haue abused , to drawe the loose Libertines to the gaze , and to catch them in the snare : I will also plague these for the abuse of Gods gifts , in making them nets of the diuell to insnare vnstable soules . I taxe not all , who are adorned with the grace of beauty ( for I know many of them sober , chaste , and modest ) but such as loue not to bee too heauie , and are somewhat * Catholicke ; Vniuersall or common . whose wanton life hath diffused many contagious humours , through their whole body , and yet haue a desire to seeme fairer in the eyes of vaine men , with a deceitfull foppery and painting , then with spirituall beauty of vertues , to shine before God and his Angells : whether their beauty consisteth in cleerenesse of skinne , which is called Pulchritude , or in neatnesse of bodie , which is called Forme ; I know how to abate their pride : if they were as faire as Nereus , Nereus . I will soone make them as deformed as Thersites , their faire hue I make pale and wanne , Thersites . when their bodies are replenished with euill 〈◊〉 , which wil breed 〈◊〉 their bodies swellings , tumors , vlcers , gouts , lepries , &c. the reward of a wicked life , and so I will enforce them to confesse with wise Salomon , Fauour is deceitfull , and beautie is but vanitie .

Another most excellent lesson I teach my Clients , Friendship . and that is , how to make choyce of a true friend , a thing in these dayes most profitable ; I tell them , and make them feele , that they are no faithfull friends , which draw vs to prodigalitie , riot , drunkennesse , as are our pot-companions , carousers , health-drinkers , &c. whereby the Soule is polluted , the body defiled , crudities engendred , and I with my disease constrained to scourge them , and bring them to ruine : but they are to be reputed out true friends , which counsell vs to sobriety , temperance , moderation in eating and drinking , chastity , and such like , whereby health is preserued , nature rectified , strength maintained , my malady expelled , and life prolonged . And here I remember a wise instruction deliuered by our Pastor , for we talkatiue Femails haue not the worst memorie ; ( Oportet mendacem esse memorem . ) There is ( saith hee ) a counterfait friend , a time-seruing friend , a false-hearted friend .

The counterfait friend goeth alwaies masked , in his mouth he hath alwayes Aue , All-haile , God blesse you , but in his heart he hath , Caue , Take heed of me , I will cut thy throat : such euer giue poyson in a golden pill , he is totus viscosus , all lime , Reade Ecc. 6 ver. 7 , 8 , 9 , &c. his words are lime , his gestures lime , his countenance lime , and all to catch thee as the Fowler doth the bird , his words are complementall , but his heart deuiseth thy downe-fall : all his plots are for his owne profit , and glosings for his owne gaine , hee riseth by thy fall , and getteth by thy losse ; a man cannot bee too circumspect and heedfully wary of such : Try and trust , for there are many lurking holes in mans heart .

The time-seruing friend is like the Cuckoe , or the Swallow , which in the pleasant spring , and summer of thy prosperity , will take pleasure in thee , and warme himselfe at the sun-shine of thy fortunes ; Nullus ad amissas ibit amicus opes . but in the winter of aduersitie , he will not know thee : no longer a friend , then on the winning side .

The false-hearted friend , his policie is to diue into thy bosome , and sound the secrets of thy heart , that he may vndermine thee in thy purpose , hold thee still in feare , and hurt thee at his pleasure : — Scire volunt secreta domus , Inuenal . atque inde timeri . Thy secret dealings they would know , That they may keepe thee still in awe . By secret policie , and Machiuilian traines , seeking to effect that which they cannot by honest meanes , nor violent courses ; a Herod within , and a Iohn without ; a wicked Politician in a Ruffe of the Precisian sett . T. A. Shallow honesty , is better then the quick-sands of subtiltie , and plaine dealing is a good plaine song , Palling . as one accutely saith ; this counsell of the Poet in this case is not to be despised : Let no man know thy secret deeds , thy friend haue alwaies so , While friendship last , that thou foresee , he once may be thy foe . Take heed of such friends , and be not hastie to entertaine friendship with any : and so much for this .

Now if any will obiect , Ob. that all other diseases can effect these things which I haue spoken of , as well as I or better : That I denie , Ans. and vtterly deny : For other diseases do quickly , some sodainly , suppresse life , or do so afflict them that they haue scarce any leisure to thinke on their Soules health but it is farre otherwise with me , for I know how to extend my force , and when need requireth , in conuenient time to remit it againe and giue them ease , which other diseases seldome doe .

Albeit ( O Iudges ) I could alledge much more for my selfe , yet will I now make an end , when I haue shewed by the example of great men , that my societie is neither shamefull , nor wretched . It is the part of Heroicall and Noble mindes , indifferently to suffer prosperitie and aduersitie , and to make a vertue of ineuitable necessitie . And to let passe many Potentates of the Earth : that Troian Monarch , Priamus , admitted me into his golden Palace ; Peleus , Bellerophon , and Oedipus , did not exclude me ; Plisthenes , Prothesilus , and prudent Vlisses , receiued mee courteously ; and haply ( which some may wonder at ) Achilles himselfe , though swift of foot , could not auoid my power . Let the Grecians fable as much as they will , That hee was displeased for the taking away of his Paragon ; it was I that kept him from the battaile ; I , ( I ywis ) was that Brises , which made him contemne the entreatie of the Grecians . Would not now any wise man chuse rather to suffer some hardnesse , with those famous Noble Personages , then with vile , base , and abiect persons , to wallow in Swinish pleasures ? and rather labour to adorne his mind with Vertue , then like brute Beasts , to become a slaue to the belly , and corruptible flesh ?

Mala quae cum multis patimur , leuiora videntur ; The griefes that we with many beare , the better may sustaine .

Ye haue heard ( O Noble Iudges ) my iust Apologie : now it remaineth , that I beseech you to weigh all things in the ballance of Equitie , and then by your vpright sentence free me from these malicious calumniations and false accusations , which my wicked enemies lade me with , when themselues are most in fault , and inflict vpon them deserued punishment for their licentious and filthie liuing : so shall Truth be honoured , your selues for Iustice commended , and my Accusers reformed , and my selfe bound incessantly to pray vnto the Almightie , that your Honours bee neuer touched with my disease .

FINIS .