I Haue at length ( gentle cosen ) obtayned some leisure to acquaint you with the condition of my welfare , which I assure you to be farre better , then the vsuall vncertainty of a traueller . For departing out of England vnder the right Honorable the Lord Willoughbies protection , we happily arriued at Déepe in France within a little while after , whence marching vnto the frontiers of the enemy , we shared our fortunes in those famous atchieuements that attended the stations of the inuincible Henry of Burbon , which hot pursuite of Honor once slackte , I tooke my way to Caen in Normandy , where I haue remained euer since , in what state you may imagine by my old wonte , merry I thanke God , how euer the deuill now and then , somewhat youthfully disposed makes a dauncing schoole in the bottome of my purse for a whole wéeke together . But that s but Fortune de la guerre , as the knaue of clubbes said when he was banisht the Towne , Wherefore to come to the purpose of my promise at our parting , ( which was to send you such newes as this Countrey brought forth ) so it is that since the late battaile wee haue had nothing worth the noting , saue onely this , which is pleasaunt to some , though irkesome to others . At what time the king lay in leaguer of Paris against the dastard traytor de Mayn , the said recreant Duke had amongst his holy orders two wel-fedde Friers , whereof the one was his baudy ghostly father , and principal confessor , the other was his chuffe-headed Chaplaine , and chiefe shaueling in ordinary . The first of them ( whom they hight Frier Donnet ) was in loue with a smugge fast Nunne , about some ninetéene yeares of age , as good a wench as euer harde Masse at high midnight , which fat Francis espying ( for so was the younger called ) began likewise to licke his lippes after her , and slauer out his loue in sighs as well as he coulde , but séeing no way to compasse it , as long as his better was in place , and considering what infinite store of Crownes olde Donnet coffered vppe by confessing in the time of the Parisians distresse , and what credite he was in with the Duke , he cast a thousand plattes in his heade , how to displace him of all thrée at once , but none of them all woulde come off halfe roundly to his contentment a long time . In the end it so fell out that Mounsieur Scackerton to reuenge his fathers death , made a little breache into the Citty , and with some few of his followers slewe many of the League then fast a sléepe , in which confused conflict , there was such a monstruous hurly-burly in the Citty , that all the towne was in an vprore , and know not what should become of them . Amongest them that feared most was this foresaid Nun with breathlesse Donnet , that had her in shrift betwixt the shéetes at the selfe same hour , which made the quaking Frier call to his fellowe Francis lying in the next chamber , and asked him what was the reason of that turmoile , who aunswered he knew not as yet , but hee would goe and enquire , within halfe an houre after , hee came in blowing and puffing , and told him a long tale of a tubbe , how the King entring the Citty , was taken by a common souldiour , and presented as prisoner to the Duke de Maine , as then in the market place . Now saies he brother Donnet if you will winne your spurs for euer , and behaue your selfe like a right man of God in déede , get you packing presently to Rome , and be the first that shall tell his holinesse of this good seruice , so shal you both come to excéeding promotion your selfe , and be able to pleasure all your friends as you list . The rauisht Frier ouerioyed with this oportunity , and gréedy of Honour and thankes which he hoped to reape by his message , made no more adoe but resigned his office , and sister in bedde to Frier Francis both at once , saying if he neuer returned his was the gaine , for he knew by inspiration , that great was the preferment which tended his newes . Francis excused himselfe that the charge was ouermighty for him to go through with , and that there were many fitter men to vnder goe it then hee , yet thrice it had pleased him of his owne frée motion , to make ●ho●● of him before all other , he woulde endeuour to discharge it as well as he could . Many wordes of kindnesse to this effect past betwixt them , but the night farre spent and Donnet in hast of his iourney , reacht his pigsney a dry kisse , and so departed through Aix , by shipping to ●heithen , and from thence tooke poste to Rome , where he was no sooner alighted , but he roused vp his reuerence , and new gla●●●… h●● lippes with the linnen , that he might kisse the Popes toe with commendation , wherein hée failed not a whitte , for méeting his holinesse as he went to Sainct Peters to heare masse , he ●●●kt downe so low as his garters would let him , and with a ●●●●●…es mouth let flye at his slipper . Then began he with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 es grace to discourse the late conquest of Leaguer de Maine , against that Huguenot Henry of Burbon , who in a single combate had ouercome him , and took him prisoner most brauely , to the great aduantage of the sea Apostolicke , and vtter discom●●●●●● of all vsurping heretickes , amplifying by the way of an ●onicall Prosopopeia , what despayring lamentations were made for him , by the English excommunicats , and the outlawes of Geneua , and in the Epilogue of his eloquence , her protested such allegeance , as if he woulde dispute with the deuill in defence of the papacy . The gorgeous controuler of Princes that al this while had attended his speach , attracted such inward ioy from this tale of successe , that he commanded Masse to bée sung in euery church , bone-fires to bée made in the stréetes , and a solemne procession to bée held throughout Rome , in which hée himselfe marcht along to Sainct Angelos , vnder a rich canapy supported by foure Cardinals , sprinkling the beholders with holy water all the way hee went . Neither was Donnet a small property in this pageant , for hee had the bearing of the principallest Crosse that day , allotted him in honor of his trauaile , whiles these things thus were a doing in Italy , the King entred battaile with de Maine , and by the won●●rful working of Heauen , ( as it is not vnknowen in England ) chased him the fielde , and made him retire for rescue to Mentz , in the habite of a common souldier , where it is saide hée tooke sanctuary . Through which accidentall mishappe Frier Francis with his Nunne now put to their shifts , and not hearing what was become of the Duke , determined to try the courtesie of other Countryes , since they found so little safety in their owne . But amorous Brigetta , that longed after the first customer , persuaded him to conuert his course vnto Rome , whereto he easely condiscended . As they were thus on their way , the Duke du Maine , despairing in his auckward procéedings , and quite confounded in his forlorne cheualry , wrote lamentable letters to his holinesse , by one Mounsier Belowe a frenche man , wherin he passionately reported his ill fortune , and dismall discomfiture , cursing the starres that did boade him such bitter mishap , and the day that gaue light to that luckelesse disgrace . These letters came to the Pope in the middest of this triumphes and honors done to Frier Donnet , that now was in good hope to bée Cardinall . But he came short of his longing , for when his beatitude beheld this balefull discourse , and with throbbing heart had perused those pitifull contents , hée called me his messenger in question , who with trembling told him , that whatsoeuer he had reported procéeded from one Frier Francis , that had thus informed him , and that he knewe of nothing but by him . By this time was the saide Francis with his Nunne come to Rome , and there thought to anchor secure from all encombraunces of warre , but alacke for pitty , that might not be , his partner had espide him , and hée must needes come before the Pope , wher being examined vpon the cause and the Dukes letter showne in the nicke , he was so confounded in his fiue senses , that straight he confessed all the knauery , and appealed to the court for mercy . Yet notwithstanding there conioyned submission , they were adiudged for penaunce of their presumption , to goe barefoote and barelegde through Rome , and whip eache other with whippes of wier vppe and downe the Citty , which the day following hée performed very faithfully . For Frier Donnet angerd at the heart at Frier Francis , to heare his treacherous conueyance about the Nunne , curst him selfe a thousand times that he had not a two hand whippe to torment him , yet with that short weapon that he had , hée belabored him indifferently , and Francis on the other side wounded him with his wiry wasters so wel fauoredly , that his back spat bloud in his face at euery stripe he gaue him , who so hath séene two iackes in a clockhouse striking hie noone with their opposite hammers may well conceiue this anticke resemblance . Donnet he behaued himselfe like an old Fencer , that fetcheth his blow with a flourish , one while setting his right legge forward as though he lay at back-sworde , he would ayme at a boane in stead of a button , anotherwhile framing his toe to the turne , he would bring his whippe about his head with a whiske , and peirce through his thicke skinne coate into the inner regions of his ribbes . Francis thinking this was verie foule play to come behind a man and strike him like a coward , and finding by proofe howe painefull it was to daunce to this thrée stringed musicke , raysed vp himselfe on all tenne like a gander , and gaue him such an item ouer the shoulders , that he had littie néede of any other Phlebothome in two monethes after , for it came so edglong , that it discarded all the skin from the necke to the middle , and put Donnet besides his fence with the suddaine amazement , yet casting his eies on his swéete Nun that went along by them he fell to it a fresh , & made such furrous in his fat brothers flesh , as a man might haue séene through the flesh to the bones : and he likewise layde such load on my confessors curets , that he lost aboue two lash of wire in the loynes of his backe , whose rawbond ridges shewed in all pointes so like a redde lattice , that if a tincker had séene them he would vndoubtedly haue mistooke him for an alehouse . To be short , in this mutuall combat continued they for the space of thrée houres , till the wearinesse of their strength and extremitie of anguish , constrayned them to rest . But so vnspeakeable was their paine ( as it is reported héere in Caen ) that what with sorrow for their fault , & shame of their punishment they dyed within two daies after . Thus haue you heard in as briefe sort as I could , the cometragicall historie of these vnfortunate Fryers , which is so laughed at here , and so much moned elsewhere . When I haue more newes I will send you more , in the meane time be merry with this , which I assure you for the substance of it is true , although it faile in some circumstance , and so for this time I take my leaue , hoping to sée you ere long in England .