Is this the end , I pray you Sir , is this the Finis ? {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman}

It is vltimum Sir .

How pray you Sir , intentione , or executione ?

Executione , that followes the Assizes .

But me thinkes there is one Scrupulum , it seemes to be actus illicitus , that we should drinke so much , it being lately forbidden , and therefore Contra formam statuti .

I but therefore you are sworne to keepe customes , Non omnino secundum formam statuti .

What , haue you inrolled him in Albo ? haue you fully admitted him into the societie , to be a member of the body Academicke ?

Yes Sir , I am one of your Pupils now , vnitate numerica , we haue made an end of it , secundum vltimum Complementum , & actualitatem .

Well then , giue the attendance .

Most graue audience , considering how they thirst after my Philosophie , I am induced to let you taste the benefit of my knowledge , which cannot but please a iudicious pallat : for the rest I expell them my Schooles , as fitter to heare Thales , and drinke Water .

We will attend Sir , and that bibulis auribus ,

The many errours that haue crept into the science , to distract the curious Reader , are sprung from no other causes , then small Beere , and sober sleepes ; whereas were the laudable custome of Sack drinking better studied , we should haue fewer Gownes , and more Schollers .

A good note , for wee cannot see wood for trees , nor Schollers for Gownes .

Now the whole Vniuersitie is full of your honest Fellowes , that breaking loose from a Yorkeshire Belfrey , haue walked to Cambridge with Satchels on their shoulders : these you shall haue them study hard for foure or fiue yeeres , to returne home more fooles then they came ; the reason whereof , is drinking Colledge taplash , that will let them haue no more learning , then they size ; nor a drop of wit more then the Buttler sets on their heads .

'T were charity in him to sconce 'vm soundly , they would haue but a poore Quantum else .

Others there be that spend their whole liues in Athens , to die as wise as they were borne ; who as they brought no wit into the world , so in honesty they wil carry none out on 't . 'T is Beere that drownes the soules in their bodies : Husons Cakes , & Paix his Ale hath frothed their braines : hence is the whole tribe contemned , euery Prentice can ieere at their braue Cassockes , and laugh the Veluet Caps out of countenance .

And would it not anger a man of Art to be the scorne of a what lake you Sir ?

'T is Beere that makes you so ridiculous in all your behauiour : hence comes the Bridelike simpering at a Iustice of Peace his Table , and the not eating methodically , when being laughed at , you shew your teeth , blush , and excuse it with a Rhetoricall Husteron Proteron .

'T is very true , I haue done the like my selfe , till I haue had a disgrace for my Mittimus .

'T is Beere that hath putrified our Horsmanship , for that you cannot ride to Ware , or to Barkway , but your Hackneyes sides must witnesse your iourneyes . A Lawyers Clarke , or an Innes a Court Gentleman that hath bene fed with false Latine , and Pudding Pye , contemne you as if you had not learning enough to confute a Nouerint vniuersi .

Per prasentes me Simplicium .

If you discourse but a little while with a Courtier , you presently betray your learned Ignorance , answering him he concludes not Syllogistically , and asking him in what Mood and figure he speakes in , as if Learning were not as much out of fashion at Court , as clothes at Cambridge . Nor can you entertaine discourse with a Lady , without endangering the halfe of your Buttons ; all these , and a thousand such errors , are the friends of Beere , that nurse of Barbarisme , and foe to Philosophy .

Oh I am rauished with this admirall Metaphysicall Lecture , if euer I drinke Beere againe , let me turne ciuil Lawyer , or be powdred vp in one of Luthers barrels , pray lend me the booke againe , that I may forsweare it . Fie vpon it , I could loue Sir Gyles for presenting those notorious Alewiues . Oh , Aristippus , Aristippus , thou art equally diuine {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} the only father of Quodlibets , the Prince of Formalities , I aske my Starres whose influence doth gouerne this orbem sublunarem , that I may liue with thee , and die like the royall Duke of Clarence , who was sowsed vp to immortality in a But of Malmesey .

You interrupt him Sir , too much in his Lecture , and preuent your eares of their happinesse .

Oh heauens , I could heare him , ad aeternitatem , and that tàm à parte ante quàm à parte post . O proceed , proceed , thy instructions are meere . Orthodoxall , thy Philosophy canonicall , I will study thy scientiam both speculatiuam & practicam . Pray let me once more forsweare the pollution of Beere , for it is an abominable heretique , I 'll be his perfect enemy , till I make him and bottle-Ale flie the Country .

But Sacke is the life , soule , and spirits of a man , the fire which Prometheus stole , not from Ioues Kitchin , but his Wine-Cellour , to increase the natiue heat and radicall moysture , without which , we are but drousie dust , or dead clay : this is Nectar , the very Nepenthe the gods were drunk with , 't is this that gaue Ganymede , beauty , Hebe youth , to Ioue his heauen and eternity ; doe you thinke Aristotle dranke Perry , or Plato Cyder ? doe you thinke Alexander had euer conquerd the world , if he had bin sober ? he knew the force & valour of Sacke , that it was the best armour , the best encouragement , and that none could be a good Commander , that was not double drunke , with Wine and Ambition .

Onely heer 's the difference : Ambition makes them rise , and Wine makes them fall .

Therefore the Garrisons are all drinking Scholes , the Souldiers trained vp to the mustering of pewter pots daily , learning to contemne death , by accustoming to be dead-drunke : scarres doe not so well become a Captaine , as Carbuncles . A red nose is the grace of a Serieant Maior , and they vnworthy the place of Ancients that haue not good colours , the best shot to be discharg'd is the Tauerne bill , the best Alarum is the sounding of healths , and the most absolute March is reeling .

And the best Artillery yard is the Dolphin .

Thus you may easily perceiue the profit of Sack in military discipline , for that it may iustly seem to haue taken the name of Sacke from sacking of Cities .

Oh wonderfull , wonderfull Philosophie If I bee a coward any longer , let me sweare a little to drink Sack , for I will be as valiant as any of the Knights Errant : I perceiue it was onely culpa ignorantiae , not prauae dispositionis that made me a coward : but O Enthusiastique , rare , Angelicall Philosophie , I will be a Souldier , a Scholler , and euery thing , I will hereafter nec peccare in materid , nec informd . Beere , raskally Beere was the first parent of Sophisters , and the fallacies : But proceed , my Pythagoras , my ipse dixit of Philosophy .

Next , it is the only Elixar of Philosophie , the very Philosophers stone , able , if studied by a yong Heire , mutare rerum specus , to change his House , Lands , Liuings , Tenements , and Liueries into aurum potabile : So that though his Lordships be the fewer for 't , his manners shal be the more ; whose Lands being dissolued into Sack , must needs make his soule more capable of diuine meditation , he being almost in the state of separation , by being purg'd , and freed from so much earth .

Therefore why should a man trouble himselfe with so much earth ? he is the best Philosopher , that can omnia sua secum portare .

And since it is the nature of light things to ascend , what better way , or more agreeing to nature can bee inuented , whereby we might ascend to the height of knowledge , then a light head ? A light head being as it were allied with heauen , first found out , that the motion of the orbs was circular like to its owne , which motions , teste Aristotele , first found that intelligence : so that I conclude all intelligence , intellect , and vnderstanding to be the inuention of Sacke , and a light head ; what mists of errour had clouded Philosophy , till the neuer sufficiently praised Copernicus found out that the earth was moued , which he could neuer haue done , had hee not been instructed by Sacke , and a light head ?

Hang mee then when I turne graue .

This is the Philosophy , the great Stagirite read to his Pupill , Alexander , wherein how great a proficient he was , I call the faith of History to witnesse .

'T is true , per sidem Historicam , for I haue read how when he had vanquished the whole world in drinke , that he wept there was no more to conquer .

Now , to make our demonstration to proue , no wine , no Philosophy , is that admirable Axiome , in vino veritas , and you know that Sack and truth are the onely Buts which Philosophy aymes at .

And the Hogshead is that puteus Democriti , from whence they might both be drawne .

Sack , Clarret , Malmsey , White-wine and Hipocras are your fiue Predicables , and Tobacco your indiuiduum , your Money is your substance , full cups your quantity , good wine your quality , your Relation is in good company , your action is beating , which produceth another predicament in the Drawers , called passion , your quando is midnight , your vbi the Dolphin , your situs leaning , your habitus carousing , afterclaps are your post predicaments , your priorums breaking of iests , your posteriorums of glasses , false bils are your fallacies , the shot is subtilie obiectio , and the discharging of it is , verasolutio , seuerall humors are your moodes , and figures , where quarta figura , or gallons must not be neglected , your drinking is Syllogismes , where a pottle is the maior terminus , and a pinte the minor , a quart the medium , beginning of healths are the premises , and pledging the conclusion , for it must not be diuided , Topicks or common places are the Tauernes , and Hamon , Wolfe , and Farlowes are the three best Tutors in Vniuersities .

And if I be not entred , and haue my name admitted into some of their bookes , let forma misti bee beaten out of mee .

To perswade the Vintner to trust you , is good Rhetoricke , and the best figure is Synechdoche to pay part for the whole , to drinke aboue measure , is a Science beyond Geometry , falling back-ward is star-gazing , and no Iacobs Staffe comparable to a Tobacco pipe , the sweet harmony of good-fellowship , with now and then a discord , is your excellent musicke , Sacke it selfe is your Grammar , sobriety a meer solecisme , and Latine be it true , or be it false , a very cudgell to your Priscianus pates , the reckoning is Arithmetique enough , a receipt of full cups are the best physick to procure vomit , and forgetting of debts an art of memory ; and heere you haue an Encyclopoedia of Sciences , whose method being circular , can neuer be so well learned , as when your head runnes round .

If mine haue any other motion , it shall be prater naturam , I , and contra too , if I liue : I like that art of musicke wondrous well , life is not life without it ; for what is life but an harmonious lesson , play'd by the soule vpon the Organs of the body . O witty sentence ! I am mad already , I see the immortality , ha braue Aristippus : but in Poetry , 't is the sole predominant quality , the sap and juyce of a verse , yea , the spring of the Muses is the fountaine of Sacke , for to thinke Helicon a barrell of Beere , is as great a sinne , as to call Pegasus a Brewers Horse .

I know some of these halfe-penny Almanack makers doe not approue of this philosophy , but giue you most abominable counsell in their Beggers Rhymes , which you are bound to beleeues as faithfully , as their predictions of foule and faire weather , you shal heare some of Erra Paters Poetry .

Why meet him Tutor ? you may easily meet him . I know him Sir , & cognitione distinctâ & confusâ I warrant you , doe you not smell him Tutor ? I know who made this Almanack against drinking Sacke ? ha Stroffe ? haue I found you Stroffe ? you will shew your selfe , I see , when all is done , to be but a Brewers Clarke .

But farre better speaks the diuine Ennius against your Ale , and Barly-broth , who knew too full well the vertue of Sacke , when Nunquam uisi potus ad arma prosiluit dicenda ; his verses are in Latine , but because the audience are Schollers , I haue translated them into English , that they may be vnderstood . Heere read them .

But aboue the wit of humanity , the diuine Virgil hath extol'd the Encomium of Sacke in these verses .

Thus resting in the opinion of that admirable Poet , I make this draught of Sacke , this Lectures period .

Dixi , dost thou say ? I , and I 'll warrant thee the best Dixi in Cambridge : who would sit poring on the learned Barbarisme of the Scholemen , that by one of thy Lectures might confute them all , pro & con ? I begin to haue distinction , & actualiter , & habitualiter , yet a poxe to see , I cannot leaue them , nec principaliter , nec formaliter ; yet I begin to loue the Foxe better than subtilnesse . Oh Tutor , Tutor , well might Foxe be a Colledge Porter , that hee might open the Gates to none but thy Pupils : come fellow Pupils , if I did not loue you , I were {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} , and an absurdity in the abstract ; Let 's practise , let 's practise , for I 'll follow the steps of my Tutor night and day : by this Sacke , I shall loue this Philosophy : before I heard this Lecture , Bankes his Horse was an Aristotle ; in comparison of me : I can laugh to thinke what a foolish Simplicius I was this morning , and how learnedly I shall sleepe to night .

Sleep to night ! why ? that 's no point of our Philosophy ; we must sit vp late , and roare till we rattle the Welkin : Sleepe ! what haue we to doe with deaths Cater-cousin ? doe you thinke Nature gaue starres to sleepe by ? haue you not day enough to sleepe in , but you must sleepe in the night too ? 't is an arrant Paradox .

A Paradox ? let me be crampt if I sleepe then , but what , must we sleepe in the day then ?

Yes , in the morning .

And why in the morning ?

Why , a poxe of the morning , what haue we to doe with the sober time of the day ?

'T is true , I see , we may learne something of our fellow Pupils , and what must wee doe now , fellow pupils ? What must wee doe now ?

Why ? conferre our notes .

What is that ?

Why ? conferring of notes , is drinking off cups , halfe pots are saying of parts , and the singing of Catches is our repetition .

Fellow Pupill , I 'll conferre a note with you .

Gramercy braue lad , and it 's a good one , an excellent Criticisme ; I would not haue lost it for Eustathius and his Bishopricke , it 's a generall rule , and true without exception .

Fellow Pupill , I 'll conferre a note with you too .

Faith , let mee haue it , let 's share and share like boone Rascals .

I 'll say my part to you both .

By my troath , and you haue a good memory , you haue con'd it quickly Sir .

But what shall we haue for repetitions now ?

I , what for repetitions ?