Preuention . But amongst an infinite number of faults , I am not yet resolued with which of them I should beginne , nor what text I might first take in hand , and it may be , some will therfore taxe me to haue but little witte : and no force , let them not spare , I will bee afore-hand with some of them , there is a figure with the Logitians , they call it Prolepsis , or Preuention , and I learned it long agoe , of the Boy that taught his mother to call whoore first . And I will now sitte in iudgement of all those that my memorie can readily produce , and I doubt not , but to bee afore hande with some of them .

Iestmonger . As for the humorous they haue beene alredie brought to the stage , where they haue plaide their partes , Euerie man in his humour .

Amongest the rest therefore to begin withall , Rome for a Iestmonger , that will rather choose to loose a friend , then to loose a iest , and are quite out of loue with their owne witte . If their vnsauourie gawdes doe not produce laughter : and sometimes when they doe thinke wisely to giue some prettie nippe , God knoweth , their wordes doe rather tickle , then pinch , and giue the more occasion to be laught at for their follie , then otherwise to be commended for their witte . Yet many of them are so full of merriment , that a man would thinke Nature had hatched them into the world to be derided of all companies where they become .

Some wanting wit to coine conceits of their Will steale other mens iestes . owne are driuen to commit felonie , to steale from other men ; and putting them in execution , the effect may so fall out , as it did with Esops Asse , who counterfetting the little dogge , would play with his Maister till he was surely bangd : So there be among them that will get iestes by heart , that haue gathred a Common-place booke out of Plaies , that will not let a merriment slip , but they will trusse it vp for their owne prouision , to serue their expence at some other time : and this they esteeme to be as good as a sute of Sattin , to grace themselues withall , and are in hope by these pleasures ( if they be not placed at the vpper end of the table ) yet to get a roome aboue the Salt .

Brode iesters . Some making profession to be pleasant , do by that meanes purchase themselues certaine libertie ( amongst their friends ) to say what they list , wherby many times they set abroach such matters , which being not able to runne through , they are driuen to helpe themselues by raising laughter , the which they performe with that kind of grace , as is rather to be loathed , then liked .

Slouenly iesters . Some other by vnreuerent demeanor at a table , otherwhiles by a brutish and vnmanerly kinde of eating and drinking , and sometimes by belching , out filthie and dishonest wordes and tales , whereat if they can make Modestie to blush , they thinke they haue gotten the gole , and doe so much esteeme the better of their owne wits , and will further fashion themselues to such vnciuill and vncleanly demeanour , that their rude and boistrous conuersation , shall so smell of the Plow , and the Cart , as will abhorre any mans nose to sit nigh them , that haue but smelled of ciuilitie . But this bourding and carterlike iesting , is more readie to turne a wise mans stomacke , then to make him laugh .

No feast with out a foole or a flatterer . It is not worthie to be called a feast , where there is not a Iester and a Flatterer , to cheare vp the guests ; the one to raile and slander , the other to smoothe and flatter : for as the bodie must be ballanced with excesse , so the minde must be recreated with these slauish delights . And where these two doe meete , they are still at great expences : for you shall heare them spend such a deale of idle breath , that both Zoylus and Gnato would haue plaid bankrupt , if they had beene halfe so liberall of their windie commoditie . And yet in the midst of their prodigalitie , you shall not see them spend one dram of loue vpon a wise man , but onely amongst their fauourites and friends .

Parasite . Of the selfe and same Grape bee these supple-mouthed Parasites , those that can pamper itching sensuality , that to please humors can carows with Alexander , abstaine with Romulus , eate with the Epicures , fast with the Stoicks , sleepe with Endimeon , watch with Crisippus , laugh with Democrites , weepe with Hiraclites , that can couer vice with the name of vertue , that can call Impudencie , Audacitie , that will conuert Rage into Courage , Wilinesse into Wit , Obstinacie into Constancie .

I thinke Flatterie at this day be in as good request Tabacco and Flattery , both smoky vapors . as Tabacco , two smokie vapours , yet the one purgeth wise-men of their witte , and the other fooles of their money . And no maruell though Flatterers are so acceptable , when men for the most part can flatter themselues with an ouer-weening , to be what they are not : this maketh them so willing to giue eare to Flatterers , of whom they think they are praysed , when they are but flattered , for so much as false praise is nothing else but flat mockerie . Men are willing to be flattered . And we are growen to thinke so well of our selues , that we account him , either to be enuious , or prowde , that will not soothe and smoothe vs vp in all our follies , so great is our vaine-glorie , that when we be commended farre aboue our desert , yet we rather attribute it to the aboundance of good will , Fit to be flattered . then to the fraude of him that flattereth .

Too many in these dayes . But it hath beene , and is , proper to men of all sorts , to suffer themselues to be coyd and clawed with this tickling of Flatterie . Alexander not free from flatterie . Alexander was not freed from it with all his courage , neither yet Dionisius with all his crueltie . And Themistocles being asked what wordes were best pleasing vnto him , answered : Those that recount my praise . Our eares are more in loue with the melodie of words sounding to our owne praises , then with any other musicke : and therefore many times ( like as by the voices of Mermaides ) they are the cause of drowning him that setteth them open to that deceitfull harmonie . And how manie are there , that knowing themselues to be palpably flattered , doe yet loue him that flattereth fastest , and hate him that speaketh but the truth ? And who doth not blush to see the grosse flatteries of our Parasites of these times ? how they will extoll and commend many things in great and mightie persons , making them beleue they excell in many things , wherein they haue no skil at al : commending that againe , which might rather be thought to be Deformities then Conformities , in a man of meane estate . And he that will be Thraso , shall neuer want a Gnato : but beware of the baites of Flatterers , who with sugred wordes creeping into mens bosomes , doe but imitate the Butcher , that claweth the oxe with his hand , that he might haue the more conuenience to knocke him on the head with a Beetle .

A good requitall of an Emperour . The example of the Emperour Sigismund is not to be forgotten , who hearing a shamelesse fellow to call him God , stroke him on the eare , to whom the Parasite said , Why dost thou strike me , Emperour ? To the which he answered , Why dost thou bite me , Flatterer ?

Floures of curtesie . God haue mercie Sigismund for this tricke , and I would all our Parasites of these times might be so recompenced : Better to hit a Parasite on the eare , than to lend him thine eare for it is better to hit them on the eare , then to lend them an eare ; for he that lendeth his eare to a Flatterer , is like a sheepe that lendeth the Woolfe her teate , and doth more often subuert and ouerthrow the wealth of a kingdome , then an open enemie .

But see here a companie now presenting themselues , that I cannot say are affected , but I thinke are rather infected with too much courtesie ; you shall know them by their salutations . For first with the kisse on the hand , the bodie shall be bowed downe to the ground : then the armes shall bee cast out , like one that were dauncing the old Antike , not a word but , at your seruice , at your commaund , at your pleasure : this olde protestation , Yours , in the way of honestie , is little cared for : euerie Gull was woont to haue it at his tongues end , but now it is forgotten . And these Flowres of courtesie , as they are full of affectation , so they are no lesse formall in their speeches , full of fustian phrases , many times deliuering such sentences as doe bewray and lay open their maisters ignorance : and they are so frequent with the kisse on the hand , that a word shall not passe their mouthes , till they haue clapt their fingers ouer their lippes . But he that is so full of creeping , and crowching , either hee meanes not well , or his wit will not serue him to meane well , for this common affabilitie , dooth lightly bring with it an ill intent , and but according to the Prouerbe , Much courtesie , much craft .

Fashion-monger . But will you see how I am pestered with a finicall companie that comes in now all together , throwing vppon mee , birdes of a wing , and it is fittest for them to flie together : here comes first the Fashion-monger , that spendes his time in the contemplation of sutes . Alas good Gentleman , there is something amisse with him , I perceiue it by his sad and heauie countenance : for my life his Tailer and he are at some square about the making of his new sute , he hath cut it after the old stampe , of some stale fashion , that is , at the least of a whole fortnights standing .

Fantasticke . But what call you him a Fantasticke , that followes his fellowe so close , a foole I warrant him , and I beleeue hee hath robd a Iackanapes of his iesture , marke but his countenance , see how hee mops , and how he mowes , and how he straines his lookes . All the Apes that haue beene in the Parrish Garden these twentie yeares , would not come nigh him for all maner of complements .

His head the store-house of wisedome . Malecontent . Here comes now the Malecontent , a singular fellow , and very formall in all his demeanours , one that can reprooue the world but with a word , the follies of the people with a shrug , and sparing of his speach , giueth his answer with signs and dumb shews , pasing his steps with sad and sowre countenance , as if hee would haue it saide ; Lo , yonder goes the melancholy Gentleman , see there Vertue and Wisedome despised , this is the man , that dooth carry a whole common-wealth in his head , that can mannage the affaires of a State , and fitter to be of a Princes priuy house counsaile , than the best Acter that euer playd Grauets part at the Theatre .

State Ape . But good lucke now in Gods name , I hope we shall heare some newes , for heere comes a fellow that can giue vs intelligence from Fraunce , Flaunders , Spaine , and Italy , from the great Turke , and I thinke from the Diuell himselfe ; it is one of these State-Apes , that are euer hunting after matter of State . He vseth to frequent the Exchange , and you shall meet him in the middle walke in Paules at ten of the clocke , and three of the clocke : and after the vulgar salutation of , God saue you sir , the next shall be an Interrogatory , I pray sir , what newes doe you heare from Spaine ? how be our Countrymen entertained there ? be they not troubled with those of the Holy house ? They deserue to bee well vsed , for they haue made corne almost as good cheape in Spaine as it is in England ; they report the like of all other victuall : And among the rest of all other our commodities that flieth into Spaine , they say our cast yron ordonaunce findeth such entertainement , and is so daily befriended amongest the Spaniardes , that it is thought our clymate is too colde to keepe it in , but it wil seeke aduentures in Countries neerer the Sunne .

These trickes they haue , both to groape mens opinions , and to gather such other newes as they can informe , and with these intelligences they go from place to place ; for they are nosed like Catullus , they can smell a feast ; and they knowe well enough , that men are so inclined to heare nouelties , that a few newes well couched , is a better payment for a dinner or a supper , than eighteene pence to giue vnto an Ordinary . These men haue a speciall gift , eyther to Metamorphise , or to Paraphrase what newes soeuer .

And what great Ambassadour can be sent from any forraigne Prince or Potentate , but before hee hath delivered his message , yea and before he hath put his foote in at the Court gates , but you shall haue one of these Newes-mongers that will not stick to tell , both what his arrand is , and what shall bee his answer .

Heere comes a spruce fellow now , and if hee be not alied to the Fantasticke , yet I am sure the foole and he are so neare a kinne , that they can not marrie , without a Licence from the Pope . Would ye knowe who it is ? Mary sir , it is a Traveller , not of those sort that endeuor their trauels , but of purpose to growe into the hieway of Experience , for the better seruice of their Prince or Country : but of those whipsters , that hauing spent the greatest part of their patrimony in prodigality , wil giue out the rest of their stocke , to be paid two or three for one , vpon their returne from Rome , from Venice , from Constantinople , or some other appoynted place . These fellowes in their iourneying doe so empty themselues of the little witte they carryed out , that they can make no better return than their mindes full fraught with farre fetcht follies , and their heades ouer burthened with too many outlandish vanities ; if at his returne he hath but some few foolish Phrases in the French , Spanish , or Italian language , with the Baselos manos , the Ducke , the Mump , and the Shrugge , it is enough ; for they take much trauell vpon them , to see fashions , but none at all , to learne vertue : This is a strange kinde of travell , to make profession , to loose their credite at home , to learne follies abroade . What trust can there be in a traueller , who is stil watching for a winde , whose feete are euer fleeting , whose faith plighted on the shoare , is turned to periurie when they hoyse saile ?

Trauailers may well speake of wonders . Travellers are priuileged to lie , and at their returne , if they doe hitte into a company that neuer trauelled towards the South Pole , beyond Gads hill , you shall heare them speake of wonders , his talke shall be of Lawes , and Customs , Prouinciall , and Politique . What ciuilitie doth abound in the partes where he hath beene , hee will tell how conuersant he hath beene with great Princes , and how prouident he hath found them in gouerning their estates ; & almost at euery pause that he hath drawen his speach to a full period , the next straine shall beginne with this Duke , or that Prince : So that Dukes and Princes are as rife at his tongues end , as , What lacke you sir ? or , What would you haue bought ? is to a prentise of Cheapeside .

The greatest Vertue . But whom haue we here , one , two , three , foure fiue ? One , two , three , foure , fiue , and nothing else but , one , two , three , foure , fiue ? A Dauncer . O ho , I vnderstand him now , this is one of the Skipping Arte , that is newly come from the Dauncing Schoole ; this fellow had rather treade a tricke of one and twentie follies , than to performe one action that might increase wisedome : And yet to speake truely , there is no great harme in his witte , but it will serue him well enough to talke of the turne of the toe , of the caper aboue ground , of the lofty tricke , and he hath some smacke of iudgement in vawting , tumbling , and in dauncing with the Iebie horse . And he will speake of Playes , Players , and who be the best Actors , and lightly he is acquainted with her that keepes the best Brothell-house .

Oh for a Pipe of Tobacco . But O for a Pipe of Tobacco ! passion of me , how haue I forgotten my selfe , that haue vented so much idle breath without a pipe of Tobacco ? I know a number of my good friends that woulde not haue spent halfe this prattle without taking of ten Pipes at the least .

The soueraintie of Tobacco . O soueraigne Tobacco ! that art a medicine for euery malady , a salue for euery sore : t will cure the Dropsie , the Gowt , the Rhume , the Cold , the Ache of the heade , a Pin and Webbe in the heele , it will make a woman that is barren to beare sixe children in one night ; it is wonderfull in operation , and they say it will make a leane man fatte , and a fatte man leane . But I know it hath made many wise men to become fooles , and it hath made some fooles againe to become wise men .

It cannot be denied , but it makes men sociable , and he that can but take a Pipe of Tobacco , drinke Bottle Ale , and play a game at Noddie , is a companion for a knight : But let these fantasies passe amongst a number of others , I will not call them follies , but Gods blessing on his heart , who said , that Thought was free .

Now some will say , these are but small Faults to be spoken of , they are none of the seuen deadly sinnes , and therefore the least drop of a Popes Pardon may dispense with all this . And what can I do but confesse a troth ? and for this pleasant imperfection of Pompe , Pride , Adulterie , Gluttonie , Drunkennesse , and such other , if I should but speake of them , there be those would nicke me by and by , and come ouer me with , Phisition help thy selfe . And to speake truly , I could find in my heart to be verie prowde , if I had where-withall to beare it out .

Three sorts of Bawdes . One to the Vsurer . But for this sweete sinne , that is of greater antiquity then the game at Maw , ( ye know what I mean I am sure ) if I should finde fault at that , I should offend you , and him , and a great many others of my verie good friends , that I would be loath to displease . I could yet find in my heart , to chide a little at some sorts of Trades-men , that doe gather their greatest gaine from the sinnes and abuses of the people . Among the rest , there are three sortes of Bawdes : but because wee will be a little mannerly , we will call them Panders . The first is , a Broker , a Pander ( indeede ) to Vsury , and a necessary instrument for the Vsurer , wherby to accomplish a great deale of ( sir reuerence of you ) K , N , auerie .

The drunkard as precious to the Vintner , as the vnthrift to the Vsurer . The second sort be Vintners , panders to Drunkennes , many of them keepers of hospitalitie for the Prodigall , for the Riotous , for the Epicure , and receptacles many times for shamefull purposes , where the vicious hath more often recourse than those of honest life .

If there be a Walker , that dooth still vse his stations from Tauerne to Tauerne , reeling and tottering , that his two supporters will scarce beare vp his drunken carcasse out of the kennell , yet who can blame Tom Tapster to vndertake in his behalfe , and to auowe him for a man of as honest conuersation , as euer came drunke out of a tipling house .

Such Vintners do know their owne dishonestie . I confesse , I do sometimes loue to smell to a cup of good wine my selfe : but when I come in amongst good company to spend my pinte , or my quarte , some of these Pandering Vintners are so suspitious of their owne honest dealing , that they will not suffer vs to send a seruaunt , to see out of what vessel our wine is drawen , but we must take it as they wil bring it , mingled and brewed , fitter for him that commeth to call for a Chamber with his female consort , than for any man whatsoeuer that hath money to pay .

Can you blame me now to be angry with this bastard kinde of Vintners ? Sbloud , he that wil not brabble for his liquor , and his Wench , hath no spirit in the world .

Well worth a good liuerie . Shamelesse Panders . I haue spoken yet of a third kinde of Pander , and those be such as doe keepe Burdelles and Brothell houses , but it is not possible to intreate of these matters with tearmes so seemely and modest , as to the naturall shamefastnes of honest eares is requisite : but this I can aduise you , there is no such trade , as to keep a Brothell house . And these affaires in times past , haue beene especially indeuoured by women , but to saue her from the Charriot that runnes vpon two wheeles : it is more safety for her to haue a husband , who creeping into some liuery coate , ( which may be obtayned well enough for money ) wil be such a countenaunce , as neyther Constable , Headborough , nor the prowdest Officer in the parish dare meddle withall . And beeing conueniently prouided of house-roome , the next prouision , to haue some Lais to be a Lidger , and sometimes to lodge twoo or three wenches together , one perhappes a Widdowe , another a mans wife ruune away from her husband , and for the third , riddle me a Riddle , What is she that is neither Maide , Wife , nor Widdowe ? Wel , let her passe for a woman , these wil bring in company , and company brings in wine , sugar , orenges , limonds , venison , sturgeon , fatte capons , fatte quailes , and many good cates besides .

Doe you aske me how I knowe this ? why they themselues care not who knowes it : But heere is the question , May not a non est woman lodge men and women all together in one chamber , night after night , but they must be naught togither ? Now fie vpon these misdeeming people that are so ful of suspition . But as long as they are not able to proue rem in re , let them suspect still and spare not .

Drunkard . Me thinks the Drunkard and the Epicure shold likewise be of this colledge , for Drunkennes and Incontinencie haue euer drawne by one line : and it is no disgrace , but rather a glory , to see a man after so sweete an encounter of cuppes , to be carried away to his bed vpon mens shoulders , where he may lie to recouer new forces . But some doe distinguish the first cup of wine to be of thirst , the second of merrinesse , the third of temptation , the fourth of foolishnesse , and all the rest of beastlie drunkennes . An other writeth that the wine hath three grapes , the first of pleasure , the second of drunkennes , and the third of sorrow .

Fruites of drunkennesse . At Banquets there is nothing so much followed as filthy drunkennes , nor nothing more embraced then sensuall concupiscence ; for when the fume once beginneth to ascend to the braine , the minde is oppressed with idle thoughts , and wanton cogitations , it is a spur to the tongue , to contentious quarrelling , slaunderous backbiting , to insolent speaches and beastly talke .

Epicure . The Epicure a bird of the same feather , and fittest to march in equall rancke with the Drunkard , whom a man cannot say to be born to liue , but rather to liue to eat & drink , whose felicity doth especially consist in pampering the paunch ; to whom a fine conceipted Cooke in a kitchin is better respected , than euer was Plato or Aristotle in the Academy of Athens , I am glad I haue rid my hands of this beastly generation . But what monster is this ? Couetousnes . The hatefull , pernicious , detestable wretch Couetousnesse , looke to your selues , you that doe loue your selues , for this beast dooth neuer come in place to doe any good .

This is the curre that thinkes nothing to be vnlawfull , where either gaine is to be gotten , or gold to be gathred . This is the canker of the common-wealth , that eateth and deuoureth the gettings of the poore . This is the viper that poysoneth the eares of Princes , teaching them to set aside all iust and honourable dealing : it is Couetousnesse that maketh no conscience in gathering of gold , nor in spilling of blood ; holding nothing to be vnlawfull that bringeth in gaine . And how many haue we that be of the Trochiles kinde , that doe cleanse the iawes of these deuouring Serpents , that eates vp the meanes that the poore haue to liue by , and that reues the sweat from the Labourers browes . They heape together abundaunce of wealth with paine , with trauell , with periury , with oppression , with vsury , with the wronging of neighbors , with the curse of the poore , which they leaue againe to vnthrifty heires ; no lesse prodigall in spending , than their fathers were miserable in gathering ; by how much they are aduanced to greatnesse , by so much the more they are cursed of the poore people , and daily vengeance denounced agenst them , by as many as doe but heare of their names .

The covetous miser is then most ready to deuoure , when he makes semblance of greatest loue and amitie : hee maketh no respect , either of frind or foe , with as little regard either of the vertuous , or vicious .

I am sorie for this experience . When hee beginnes to giue precepts of good counsaile , his aduice is then most daungerous , for if it bring not poyson in the mouth , be sure it hath a sting in the tayle . But would you know my experience , from whence it doth proceede , I will not sticke to tell you ; It is nowe more than fortie yeeres agoe , since there were some few that called me Landlord , and I warrant you , I was as prowd of that Lordly name , as my yong Maister woulde be if his father were dead . But so long as I was knowne by one foote of land of mine owne , Lord how I was haunted with these gaping spirites that haue purses at commaund to purchase reuenues , yet not one penny to lend an honest friend .