The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie briefly pursuing the base conditions, and most notorious offences of the vile, vaine, and wicked age, no lesse smarting then tickling : a merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry / by Barnaby Rich ...

THE IRISH HVBBVB ; OR , The English Hue and Crie .

THAT which in England we doe call the Hue and Crie , in Ireland , they doe call the Hubbub .

The intent of it was at the first , that when any Rebels or Theeues came to doe any robbery in the Countrey , they should then raise the Crie ( which they call the Hubbub ) therby to giue notice to the Inhabitants round about , that they might combine and gather themselues together in a maine strength , either to rerouer any prey that the theeues or Rebells had taken , The reason of the Hubbub . or at the least to make resistance in their owne defence , and as much as in them did lie , to saue the Countrey from any further spoile .

This was the first institution of it , but they will now raise the Hubbub vpon other sleight occasions . If a couple of drunkards doe chance to fall together by the eares . If a man being drunk , or howsoeuer otherwise distempered , doth fortune to strike his wife . If a Master or Mistresse do but beat a seruant that hath well deserued it , they will raise the Hubbub .

Of these Alarmes and Outcries , we haue sometimes three or foure in a weeke , and that in Dublin it selfe , among the base and rascall sort of people , and as these Hubbubs are thus raised in cases of anger and discontent , so they vse to giue the Hubbubs againe in matters of sport and merriment . And there is not a people vnder the face of heauen , that will sooner deride and mocke at any thing that is not in vse and custome among themselues , then the Irish will doe .

And as the Irish are thus pleasantly conceited , to iest and to scoffe when they finde occasion , so they haue as great facilitie in weeping , as Stanhurst a famous man amongst them , for his excellent learning ; for first he was a Chonicler , then a Poet , and after that he professed Alchymie , and now he is become a massing Priest . This Stanhurst in his historie of Ireland , maketh this report of his Countrey-men : They follow the dead corps to the ground , with howling and barbarous out-cries , The prouerb of weeping Irish . pittifull in appearance , whereof ( as he supposeth ) grew this Prouerb , To weep Irish .

My selfe am partly of his opinion , that ( indeed ) to weepe Irish , is to weepe at pleasure , without either cause or greefe , when it is an vsuall matter amongst them , vpon the buriall of their dead , to hire a company of women , that for some small recompence giuen them , they will follow the corps , and furnish out the cry ( as Master Stanhurst hath said ) with such howling and barbarous outcries , that hee that should but heare them , and did not know the ceremony , would rather thinke they did sing then weep . Such a brutish kinde of lamentation , as in the iudgement of any man that should but heare , and did not know their custome , would thinke it to bee some prodigious presagement , prognosticating some vnluckie or ill successe , as they vse to attribute to the howling of doggs , to the croaking of Rauens , and the shrieking of Owles , fitter for Infidels and Barbarians , then to bee in vse and custome among Christians .

And yet in Dublin it selfe , there is not a corps carried to the buriall , which is not followed with this kinde of mourners , which you shall heare by their howling and their hollowing , but neuer see them to shed any teares . And from hence I thinke indeed ariseth the prouerb , to weep Irish . So that it appeares , how the Irish haue wit and discretion , both to weep when they list , and to laugh at their pleasure . And I am glad of it : for I will make a little bold to borrow some of their agilitie ; yet not to weepe without a cause , for that were right to weepe Irish ; but to laugh , and to giue the Hubbub , when I see a cause , and neither to forbeare Irish nor English . For we daily see the pride , the drunkennesse , the swearing , the bawdery , the bribery , the popery , all the most lewd and idle vices : the beastly and diuellish fashions the one doth vse , the other doth imitate ; wherefore then should I not let them see themselues , and their abominations , that so they may amend . If not , yet to let the honest plaine men view their follies , that so he may laugh at their fooleries . Doth not this deserue the Hubbub to see vgly vice doth beare the name of seemely vertue , and drunkennesse reputed good fellowship , murther called manhood , lechery named honest loue , impudency good audacitie , pride they call decency , and wretched misery they call good husbandry , hypocrisie they call sinceritie , and flattery doth beare the name of eloquence , truth and veritie , and that which in former ages was called flat knauery , passeth by the name of wit and policie . If I should weepe for any thing , it should bee for some madde conceited greefe : Like the woman , that when her Husband was hanged on the fore-noone , shee fell a weeping in the after-noone , and did lament with such vehement shewes of sorrow , that her neighbours comming about her , began to exhort her to patience , telling her that shee was not the first woman that had had Husband hanged , and although the manner of his death was somewhat disgracefull to the world , yet they wisht her to play a wise womans part , and not to take such greefe whereby to hurt her selfe for that which could not now be holpen : True , true indeed , answered this sorrowfull woman , it cannot now be holpen , and I would be loath to hurt my selfe by playing too much the foole ; neither doe I take this greefe * * The old Prouerbe . It s no more pitty to see a woman weep , tha● to se● a Goose goe bare-foot . for that my Husband was hanged , but for that he was not hanged in a cleane shirt : if his linnen had bin cleanly about him , his hanging would neuer haue greeued me .

But me thinks if our women in this age were but halfe so kinde to their husbands as this poore woman shewed her selfe to be , that woman might weepe with great greefe and anguish , that had not her husband hanged , and not onely in a cleane shirt on his backe , but likewise with a yellow starcht band about his necke . For yellow bands are become so common , to euery young giddy-headed Gallant , and light heeld Mistresse , that me thinks a man should not hardly be hanged without a yellow band , a fashion so much in vse with the vaine fantasticke fooles of this age , for I neuer see , or heard a wise man that did vse this base and lewd fashion .

The lamentable teares of Heraclitus , bemoaning the vanities of his time , were now out of season , who would regard them ? I thinke it therefore better to laugh with Democritus ; for a litle mirth ( they say ) is worth a great deale of sorrow . But I thinke there be some will be angry if they be laughed at ; and howsoeuer they incline themselues to follow the fooles fashion , yet they will not be mockt . But I will come ouer these fellowes with a prouerbe that many yeeres agoe I brought out of France , and thus followes the text : He that will make himselfe a sheepe , it is no matter though the Wolues doe eat him : and why should it not likewise follow , He that will make himselfe a foole , it is no matter who laughs at him .

I cannot thinke that since the first creation the world euer afforded so many monsters of men , nor so few modest women , as at this present age . And he that writes with an vpright conscience , must not flatter : and hee that doth behold the deformed vanities that are euery day hatched vp , and brought to be in fashion , both in the Court , Citie , and Countrey , as well in England as Ireland , cannot chuse but laugh . Now if any one be angry at my plaine speeches , I know he wants either wit or honestie , and then it shall but augment my sport , and make mee to laugh the faster : for I am sure there is no man that is not an enemy to his owne discretion , but will thinke I haue spoken truth ; and there is no good man but will approue what is lust : for fooles I care not .

Now for women , I know there be a number as well of old as young , that are both wise and vertuous , that knowing themselues to be free from all detection , will neuer be offended with my honest meaning : and as I loue and honour those that be good , so I neuer ment to please those that bee proud and lewdly giuen .

If I be offensiue to any queazie stomacke , it rather proceedeth from some distempered humors in the party so offended , in that he knoweth himselfe to be guilty of these crimes , and so may thinke I point him out for a foole , then of any fault of mine .

May we not a litle scoffe at those , that doe nothing else themselues but make a scoffe at vertue ? Is not the world come to that passe , that men doe rather glory in their sinnes , then either seeke to reforme , or to shew any signes of sorrow or amendment ?

Name mee but the Drunkard , Drunkards are the Diuels sops . that ouer night hath bin carried like a beast to his bed , that is ashamed of it the next morning , but is rather ready to laught at it , and to fall to his draffe againe afresh .

Is it not so with the Adulterer , Adulterers are wicked theeues . that doth take greater pleasure in the vaunting of his adulteries , then he did in the acting ? Looke amongst all sorts of sinners : doe they not reioyce in their abominations , and make themselues merry with their owne iniquities ?

Is not the man that feareth God become a laughing stock to those vassals of vice and villanie ? These & diuers others are the common sins of the time that heape Gods iudgments on this land .

The proud peacocke , he lookes asquint at him that doth not shine in silke , and glister all in gold .

The drunken swad , he makes a wry mouth at him that will not be once a weeke drunke for good fellowship .

The blasphemous wretch accounts him for a Mecocke that cannot sweare voluntary , and lash out for euery word an oath .

The vicious lecher will call him Puritan , that will not beare him company to a Bawdy house .

The knowne harlot , that liues in daily adultery , will not sticke to shoulder the honest woman , that was neuer detected , and will striue with her for place and precedence . Vice doth so guard it selfe by tyrannie , that no body dares open his lips to reprehend it .

Marke but the vicious Courtier , how he flatters , sweares , and forsweares , and damnes himselfe to the Diuell , to please the eye of greatnesse , tels false lies , and tales , to act any villanie , when murther shall accompany lust euen to poyson innocents . But God is iust , and doth reward them with shame here , and in death Hell doth attend them .

The great-ill-man hath discharged honesty for comming on his ground , and hopes to be Lord of as much ground as a Kite can flie ouer in a day . O Rauen , for he dips his bill in poore mens blood .

The vnmercifull vsurer and his broker fasten their long talents vpon the decayed borrower ; tell them of honesty , they terme you pragmaticall , and talke of nothing but thousands , as though they ment to spit shillings in the face of any that oppose them .

The suttle Lawyer that pleads in ill cases , sells silence , takes fees with both hands , and like an ill Surgeon keepes the wound of his clyent greene , till hee hath emptied his purse .

The deceitfull Tradesman that keeps a good and a bad weight , because he hath a heart and a heart , holds honesty an enemy to this thrift ; because hee meaneth to bee vnreasonable rich , hee can bee content to bee vnmeasurable sinfull .

The bold faced stage player that trades in poysoning all sorts and ages with verses reesed in the smoke of lust , and blasphemous scripture iests ; these and the like stinke in the presence of God , and one day God will send them all to him , whom in this life they serued .

It is our sinnes then that haue raised the Hubbub : the cry is vp , and it is become so loud and shrill , that it hath pierced the clouds , it hath aspired the heauens , and it hath approched the presence chamber of God .

What is man that he should be thus prone ? He is vaine , fickle , weake , and wondrous arrogant : Then to fret him , he is euer swaied with loue , lust , ambition , enmitie , compassion , ioy , iealousie , feare , hope , despaire , sadnesse , with hate , reuenge , auarice , choller , and cruelty .

But I thanke God for it , I am not so madde , to thinke that I am able to terrifie those with my words , that the threatnings pronounced by Gods own mouth cannot make afraid ; when our Preachers may cry out till their throats be sore , denouncing Gods vengeance against sinne and wickednesse , are rather derided than beleeued .

What folly were it in mee then , to presume to induce those to the feare of God , that I thinke haue no regard neither to God , nor the Deuill ; that doe liue as though there were neither reward in heauen for the iust , nor punishment in hell for the wicked ; that do demeane themselues , not as though they were ignorant of God , but as though they did do their vttermost to despight him ?

The world is now too farre spent , to looke for either grace or goodnesse vpon the earth ; and the sinnes of this age are growne so proud , that they are past all reformation .

Were it not better for mee then to laugh than to weepe , and for companies sake to be merry , and to sport at their follies , that I thinke are priuiledged by Letters Patents from hell , to follow their owne lusts and pleasures , and to feede themselues fat for the Diuels owne tooth ?

What is become of our ancient bounty in house-keeping ? Those whose ancestors liued in stately Pallaces , like Princes in their Countrey , brauely attended by a number of proper men , now come and liue in the Citie , where they are but inmates , rogues by statute : and my young master and his boy spend that which was wont to maintaine so many . What is the reason of this ? An ancient Father of the Church saith , Mutant oues pro auibus , boues pro piscibus : They giue as much for a bird as their fathers for a fat Weather ; and more for a fresh Salmon , then they for a fat oxe : and how scant a portion of these dainties comes to the almes basket , all men may iudge . Nay we may say they put all their fat Beeues into their imbroydered and perfumed doublets , their fat sheepe into their skarlet slops , the eggs and flower that should make the good pies and pasties , into starch for their yellow bands ; all the smoke that should come forth of their chimneyes , is blowne out at their noses : Finally , they make but a puffe of all their fathers left them .

And now to begin my sport , I cannot chuse but giue the Hubbub , when I meet so many of my young Masters passing thorow the streets , attired so like strumpets , trickt vp in the harlots trimme , for all the world like a Seamsters maide new come out of the Royall Exchange . Mee thinks they should not sweare an oath but by Gods daintie : they are not worthy to carry the name of men , that are so farre in loue with their owne deformities , as I thinke of my conscience , if the soules of the deceased might looke downe from the heauens to behold the things that are done here vpon the earth , there be a number of parents that would be ashamed to see the vanities of their owne children , how farre they are estranged , both in forme , fashion , and condition , from the discipline of vertue , and the precepts which they themselues had bin educated and trained vp in . Our mindes are effeminated , our martiall exercises and disciplines of warre are turned into womanish pleasures and delights : our Gallants thinke it better spend their lands and liuings in a whores lap , then their liues in a martiall field for the honour of their Countrey . Wee haue conuerted the coller of steele to a yellow-starched band , the launce to a tobacco-pipe , the arming-sword and gantlet to a paire of perfumed gloues ; wee are fitter for a Coach then for a campe , and our young Gallants are now become so wise in their owne conceits , that they will take vpon them to know all things , that doe not yet know themselues ; and that which in former ages would haue beene accounted for a noisome and a malapert kinde of sawcinesse , that they ascribe to proceede from the viuacitie and quicknesse of wit : but he that should behold their courting complements when they bee in company amongst women , could not chuse but laugh and giue the Hubbub .

They are so vaine to see to , so foolish in their words , and they haue so many distracted engines of action , as would sooner turne a wise womans stomacke , then winne her loue .

Parents doe well in being carefull to leaue their Heires large reuenues , for the most in number amongst them would neuer be able to liue by their wits ; their greatest study is but to follow pride and pleasure ; and this is it that fills the world so full of fooles .

Gentle-men were wont to bring vp their Heires in the knowledge of Arts and literature , it now sufficeth if he can but write his owne name in a Mercers booke , put his hand to an Obligation , or to a bill of bargaine and sale , this is learning enough for a Gentle-man in these dayes .

Nor I cannot see but that hee that would seeme to haue most knowledge , doth shew ( indeed ) to haue least grace , nor they let not ( so farre as I can perceiue ) for being the more learned , to be any whit the lesse foolish : the time hath beene a man would haue beene ashamed to haue begg'd a recompence , but for some speciall seruice performed for his Prince or Countrey : but now , for the drinking of an Health , for the lighting of a Tobacco-pipe , or for their laying of a Scene , to act a peece of villany .

We buy Titles of honour with gold , Offices are gotten by flattery , and begged for no desert at al that our Predecessours purchased with vertue , and wherefore but to defile a Dignity , to maintaine pride , and to seeke precedency ? the time hath beene , that the Honours and Dignities were giuen not to the rich , but to the honest ; and they were well punished , that would seeke by money to oppresse vertue , Honesty stands at the gate and knockes , and bribery enters in . that would first seeke by oppression , by extortion , and by the ruines of the Common-wealth , to gather riches , and then ( distrusting their owne vertues ) haue no other means , whereby to aduance themselues , and to take place of those that were their betters borne , but by corruption and giuing rewards .

It hath euer beene a thing detested amongst the multitude , to see an vnworthy person , that either enclined to pride , to couetousnesse , to oppression , or to such other like , to bee aduanced , either to Honour or Dignity .

Their high titles may sometimes augment their reputatations , sildome times either to mend their manners , or to benefit the Common-wealth ; yea , we must needs confesse them to be honestly come by , that are so dearely and truely paid for , but yet all things well considered , it is but money ill laid out to purchase a Dignity , whereby to run the Buyer into infamie , and endlesse miserie .

I will not meddle with the Nobilitie of this age , that are well knowne to be nobly descended , as well from ancient as from honourable families , yet there haue been some others , that would faine haue runne currant for six shillings eight pence sterling , that if they had beene brought to the Ballance , would haue beene found too light by a great deale more then the common allowance of two graines ; but if they had beene tried by the Touch , or brought to the Test , we might haue sworne , that all was not gold that did glister .

To be vertuous in this madd age were vaine , when vice is altogether graced ; I will raise the cry against the Courtiers , but if I speake all that is true against the Courts of Princes , I shall be too tedious in my short suruay of abuses . Only this , Courtiers haue delight , not in vertue , but most of them in vice : what are they better for high bloud , high titles of honour , stately buildings , costly fare , rich raiment ? all their pleasures and dignities are but vanitie , vnlesse endued with the rich robe of vertue : by the steps of flattery , most Courtiers learne to climb ; the Courts of Princes are giuen to fornication , adultery & rauishments , which are counted young Courtiers sports : in Court they oppresse vertue , honesty scorned , innocent men persecuted , Ribalds preferred , presumptuous men fauoured , flattery aduanced : Princes courts are like gardens , where one gathers vertue , the other plucks vice , one suckes honie , another drawes poyson .

We doe read that in former ages , this insatiate desire of Honour was so bridled and curbed , that these oppressing practises were well enough preuented , and so circumspectly looked into , that no ambitious person ( contrary to the rules of honestie ) should either by briberie , or anie other manner of corruption , aspire either to Office or Dignity .

I could now laugh till my belly did ake , but for angring of my Lady , to see so many Madona 's percht vp , that we are not able to know a Lady from a Landresse , wee cannot distinguish betweene those women that bee of honour , from those that are but base in parentage , whose best bringing vp hath been in washing , in starching , in scraping of trenchers , in filling the pot , yet not crosse the streets but in a coach .

She that treads vpon the ground , or walkes on foot but the length of a paire of Butts , shee must haue a supporter , They will ride in a coach , though it be to a bawdy house and the footman keeps sentinell at the doore . some lustie young Stallion must lead her by the arme , or she cannot goe .

Now of mine honestie ( foole that I am to sweare ) when I my selfe was young , and should haue beene seene in such sort , to passe through the streets leading a young woman , they would haue thought I had beene conducting of her to some Bawdy-house .

But should I speake of women in generall ( I will not meddle with Ladies of Honour ) and I know amongst the rest , there bee a number as well of old as young , that are both wise and vertuous , who ( knowing themselues to be free from all detection ) will neuer bee offended with mee for speaking the truth , and as many vilde and vicious , both in court and countrey ; and as I loue and honour those women that bee good , so I neuer care to please those other that be ill . I know againe there be a number , that ( of my conscience ) are more honest then they themselues do make shew to be , that a man would thinke by their outward appearance , they had made port sale both of vertue and honestie , or what vertue or honestie they haue , they doe conceale ; but for their vices , they are set open to shew .

And doth not this deserue the Hubbub , to see one of these old antiquities , I meane a Ladie that is so far spent in yeeres , that shee is readie for the graue , and more wisdome for her to prouide her selfe a winding sheet , then to sute her selfe in coloured silkes , in gawdy attires , to couer her hoarie scalp , with a curll'd-perewig , and to looke out euery day for new fashions .

Wheh I see such a Beldame ( that is past child bearing ) to be thus youthfully disposed , it puts me in minde of the Prouerb , That our old horse would haue a new saddle . And what is become of that modesty that was wont to be amongst young women , when maidens do now grow faster into impudency and audacious boldnesse , then they doe into yeeres or vertuous endeauours ; when she , that as well in her apparrell as in her behauiour , doth shew her selfe to be now masculine , doth then thinke her selfe to be most in fashion .

Are not our young women , in this age , trained vp from their very infancy , to be as bold , as insolent , and as shamelesse , as either Ruffian or Roaring boy ? If they be once past fifteene yeeres of age , if their parents will not giue them husbands , they will prouide themselues of paramours .

Giue me leaue a little to tell you of the first Institution of roaring , because there is such a number of that braue rabble-rowt in euerie citie , and almost in euerie countrey-towne . The first roaring was at the Tower by Roaring-Meg the great ordnance , for they sluft her breech with venemous powder , and set fire to her touch hole , and she roar'd . And then the Lyons being so neere , they roar'd . And then the Beares of Parish garden hearing the Lyons , they began to roare . And the Boyes comming to see the Beares , they learned . And euer since their hath beene a company of Roaring-boyes .

They were wont to bee brougt vp in honest and vertuous exercises , now in wanton idlenesse , in impudent and immodest boldnesse .

These be fit for the Italian fines , not for any honest mans wife . She that is tongued like a Lawyer in the Tearme-time , that neuer speakes but for profit , she that can dance a synque-paace aboue ground , so lofty that a man may see her silken garter : she that can both laugh and weep Irish : she that can sing come tit me , come tat me : she that can play Ladies loue lusty Lads , on the Voyall de Gambo : shee that hath beene brought vp in the knowledge of tongues , and can speake good Ram Alley : she that can learne fastest to forget shame , Why , this is a Minion for a mans tooth ; shee is fit to bee made a childe-bearing woman : there is nothing so much endeauoured amongst women , as to blaze and set forth their beauties , and to this purpose they haue deuised many artificiall helps to set it forth . And because to haue many Louers to be still hanging about them , which they suppose to bee a testimony of this their borrowed beauty ( the rather to intice and draw them in ) they runne into behauiours of little modesty . What a number of Knights , and Gentlemens sons in this age , are drawn in by these base and vile strumpets , to spend both body and goods , lands and liues , to please and satisfie his honest whore , that must haue her face painted , her haire powdred , her locks curled , her silke petticoat embrodered with gold , her gownes of cloth of siluer , cloth of gold , and the yellow band and feather , with diuers other dainty deuices : so strangely deformed , the Diuell can hardly inuent the like : so demeaning themselues with such wanton countenances and shamelesse gestures , that they doe manifestly make offer ( and sometimes doe giue themselues for a prey ) to those men that are of a base and vicious disposition , Cracke Chamber-mayds the Masters whore the Seruing-mans wife . that will accept and ioyne issue with them , till they beginne to long for greene plummes , and then they will as quickly abhorre them , as they made shew suddenly to loue them , and then he leaues her fit to serue a brothell-house , vnlesse some base-minded groome ( as I know some such there bee ) will take her for a wife , and can bee contented to liue by his wiues bringings in ; and these be they that doe help to replenish the world with Harlots and common Tweakes .

She that hath born a bastard to a man of note , * * It is holden a credit , to be a bastard to a great man of fame and note , as this example sheweth . she thinks it to bee no blemish at all to her reputation ; nay , she thinkes the better of her selfe . I remember I haue read in a French history of a Duke of Guyse , that was well knowen to keepe Monsieur Granduyles wife , who was a Gentleman of great estate , and likewise descended from an honourable Family , who after hee was dead , there grew some question of his wiues children , whether they were legitimate and begotten by her husband , or bastards to the Duke of Guise , for so the most of them were supposed ; the eldest sonne protested with a vehement oath , that he had rather be accounted the noble Duke of Guyses bastard , then to be reputed cuckold Granduyles sonne , and in this humor hee forsooke his inheritance , and left it to his younger brother .

Now ( of my conscience ) a number of our gallant girles in these daies be of the same disposition , they had rather be accounted an harlot to some great personage , then an honest mans wife . And all things considered , they are partly to bee excused , when such harlots shall bee better graced , then the woman that is honest , and my Laydy will take her into her owne coach , when Chastitie shall trudge on foot , and bee scoffed at .

Beauty that is ioyned with honesty is out of request , who doth regard it ? and a man were better to slander an honest woman , then to speake truth of an harlot .

We may call a scold , a scold , and it may passe without any great perill : but we cannot call a whore , a whore , but with danger ; for if shee bee able to put on a silken outside , and to fee a Proctor in the Commissaries Court , though shee bee a knowne strumpet by the report of all her neighbours , yet we must not call her whore , vnlesse we bee able to bring two other eye-witnesses : and she that is so open in her businesse , that shee will haue two or three paire of eyes to looke vpon her , is fitter for a cart , then she is for a coach .

Well , blessing of his heart yet , that would say , Thought was free : and when I see a woman haue a painted face , with a powdred periwig , her breasts laid open , her stomacke naked , almost downe to her nauell , to speake truly , I know not what to thinke ; but let her be as honest as shee list , these are but like Tauerne signes , that are hanged out but to call in customers , and they are indeede the Fore-runners of adultery , vice , and villanie . And if shee be honest that thus setteth her selfe to the shew , yet it hath beene questioned , whether chastitie ioyned with vanitie , doth merit anie commendations or nay : but this is without all question , that this ouer-much affected follie doth liue with no lesse suspected honestie : she is but an ill huswise therefore of her owne credit , that will bring it into a vulgar construction : but as the mouth of Wisdome hath auowed , that A wise married wife is her husbands glory , so it were much better for a mans owne credit , to marry a wise harlot , then a foolish honest woman : A wise harlot , that can shelter her escapes with such discretion , that the world shall neither see nor wonder at it ; then a foolish honest woman , who although she bee honest of her body , yet in her attire and outward shew , euery man doth thinke her to be an harlot . Nature hath not ordained all women to bee wise , there must bee some vaine , if it bee but to fit the humors of those men that are no lesse fond then foolish . And as there be in women sundry kindes of allurements , so there be in men as many seuerall desires : for as some doe fancie those women that be gawdy and garish in their apparell , and therewithall so lauish of their eyes , words , and gestures , that they doe promise easily to be wonne , and doe giue a lustfull hope to the beholders : so another lusteth after her that can season her beauty with a sharpnesse of wit , and hath Art and skill to hide a thousand crafts and subtleties , vnder a smooth tongue .

Some are seene to dote vpon those women , that can accompany their beauties with coy countenances , and scornefull words , that hideth not her thoughts , but carelesly speaketh what shee thinks .

But the man that is wise , intirely loueth her that is honest , sober , modest , that so tempereth her selfe in all her demeanors , that vertue hath seemed to settle her selfe in her lookes and countenances , and that the graces are there heaped together like a pleasant posie , compact and made of many flowers , and that of the most faire and excellent in the garden : but where in Gods name should a man go seeke for such a wife ? I thinke in Moores Eutopia or in Terra incognita , an Iland neuer found .

Or what is become of that age , when simple beauty without any helpe of Painters Art , was best beseeming an honest woman ? when bashfull modestie inclosed in a womans brest , was the best lure whereby to induce honorable reputation ? The Diuell hath here set another snare to catch Ladies and Gentlewomen , which besides their costly clothes , they must not content themselues with good faces of Gods making , but dainty painted faces , fit for painted Apes : now they do paint with Indian excrements , and besmeare themselues with Iewish spittle , too base and vile to chaste honestie , that I do admire how Ladies and Gentlewomen can affect such loathsome stuffe . I thinke one were better salute the backside of an honest woman , then the artificiall face of one of these painted Iezabels .

They were then beloued of the wise , of the vertuous , of the learned ; but now by the vaine , by the lewd , and by those Hermaphrodites that are not worthy the name of men , and therefore to speake truely , not worthy of honest wiues .

Would you know who was the first inventers of this painting the face , and brests ? It is said , an old Bawd , whose beastly youth procured her a hatefull age , and shee resembling dame vgly , my Lady Hard-fauors chamber-maide , shee was ouer-ridden and surfeted , all the haire of her head fell off , her eyes were sunke into her head , her nose dependant long and slender downe to her chin , shee was mouthed like a Plaice from the one eare to the other , her teeth rotten with sweet meats , and stinking yellow , her face and skin like the outside of rustie old bacon , and shee spits in her hands to make her moyst , her body , and leggs swelld with the dropsie as bigg as a mill-poste : this neat and curious peece of bawdry would needs be made new and fresh againe , like the blossomes of May ; hir doings and customers decayed failing , shee call'd to counsell three maine pillars of hir house , which was Mistris Whore the younger , Mistris Fructifier , and Mistris Tweake the elder , and when they had drunke each one a quart of burnt sacke , their wits were full ripe ; and then shee questioned with them how hir selfe the old May-pole of mischeife might be repaired , and they invented the Art of woman painting for the face and brests , which to this day the women of that Trade doe continually vse , and I am perswaded not any other , which how beastly , odious , and vgly it is , I leaue to all honest women to iudge .

What should a vaine Fantasticke do with a wise woman ? No , shee that hath her face painted with white and red , shee that hath her bands starched with blew and yellow , shee that in stead of a plume of feathers , can decke his Coxcombe with a paire of hornes , shee that can sympathize with him in his owne folly , shee is fit for him , there is neither pot broken , nor water spilt betweene them , there will be a good accordance , it were pitty the banes should be forbidden .

We were wont to say , it was a wise childe that did know the owne father , but now we may say , it is a wise father that doth know his owne childe . I protest , I do not know a dishonest woman in England , nor in Ireland , of mine owne experience , but if we may giue credit to reports , or beleeue what they themselues doe make shew to be by their outward appearance , there were neuer so many , and the trade is become to be so vniuersall , that they cannot thriue the one by the other ; their gettings doe but serue to shift off the time , till they become to be some foure or fiue and thirty yeeres of age , & then if they do not turne Bawd , they must either be turned into some Hospitall , or end the rest of their life in a Spittle .

But this plenty of Harlots hath done some good in the Common-wealth , it hath much abated the price of Bawdry ; for now a whoremonger may haue his pot of Ale , his pipe of Tobacco , and his pocky whore , and all for his three pence , and that almost in euery by-Lane . A happy thing for poore Knights , that the market is thus beaten downe ; for one of these high prizde Harlots , that must haue her silken gownes , hir guarded petticoates , her embroydered smocks , her needle-worke edgings , hir powldred perywigs , and hir costly Cates , she is able to vndoe a whole halfe dozen of Knights , one after another .

She will make him to spend his Reuenues , to sell his land , to disinherit his posteritie , and his whole estate to be euermore doubtfull , and still in danger of burning .

She will leaue him so weake in his purse , so feeble of his body , and so rotten in his bones , that the soueraignty of his Tobacco will neuer be able to cure him .

I cannot tell how I should passe ouer these matters without giuing the Hubbub : but let vs now looke into the apparell that is vsed , and that as well by men , as by women .

There is nothing whereby a man may more readily iudge of the inward disposition of the minde , then by the outward shew of apparell . Our words , our behauiours , and our outward attires , they are all tongues to proclaime the inward disposition , either of men or women : for there is no doubt but that a phantasticall attire is a plaine confirmation of a phantasticke minde .

But if I had as many mouthes , as Argus had eyes , I should yet want words to expresse the foolerie of new fashions , the onely cloke whereby to patronize the franticke humors of this madding age , is the multitude of madde men that doth vse them , which now by custome are growne so familiar , being practised by the multitude , that if they were acted but by a few in number , I thinke that if they themselues did but stand by to behold them , they would account them to bee worse then madde , that did so much affect them : but yet in this deformitie of fashions , it is commonly seene , that wise-men doe sometimes follow fooles .

But of all occupations , I will blesse my selfe from being a Taylor , especially to any of those of the decayed Order : for when the Taylor hath spent his wits to fit him in the new fashion , which he must fetch from France , Flanders , Italy , Spaine , and that he hath shewne his skill in cutting , pressing , printing , racing , garding , and stitching , yet he sweares he hath spoild his garment : And I cannot chuse but laugh , to thinke how the poore Taylor must indure to bee call'd Rogue , Rascall , Foole , Asse , Prick-louse , Botcher , Bungler , and to suffer the worshipfull Knight Sir Giles Goosecap , to rage , to raile , and to sweare that his garment is marred , hee hath cut it too long , too short , too wide , too streight , and he must be contented to indure all , and glad to get him home with his bill in his pocket , not daring to aske his money for a twelue-moneth after . For a womans Taylor , the best way to please my Lady , is to haue some interest in her Chamber-maide .

It would be tedious to set downe what meanes hath bin vsed to draw in money for the supply of wares , what great summes of money haue bin raised from the pride and excesse that hath bin vsed as well by men , as by women , in their garded garments , their coloured silkes , their gold and siluer lace , and their such other superfluities : If these exactions were now looked after , I thinke it would draw deepe , when Cloth of Gold is thought too simple , vnlesse it be ornified with some rich imbroydery , either of Gold or Pearle , for otherwise , he that his fathers best coat was but of home-spunne cloth , doth disdaine to weare it .

Pride is now become the mother of deuotion , for it driueth a number to Church , that goe thither more to shew their brauery , and to seeke precedence , then they do to serue God . The Sabboth day , which the Almighty himself hath commanded especially to be kept holy , that day aboue all the rest is most prophaned , and God is more dishonoured with this monstrous sinne of pride vpon the Sabboth day , then he was when Lucifer was first depriued from the ioyes of heauen .

If we keepe our dores shut vp during the time of the Sermon , we thinke we haue done enough . And there is a prouident care had , ( if it were as carefully obserued ) that no Victualler in the time of Diuine Seruice should retaine in his house any drinking or disordred company .

Doe but now finde me out the Tauerne , the Inne , or the Alehouse , where God is more dishonoured on the Sabboth day , then he is in the Church it selfe , and then at that very time whilest the Preacher is in the Pulpit .

Looke but vpon the abhominable pride that is there to be seene , and thou wilt say , O damned pride a maine step to hell . it is fitter to prophane the Temple , then to doe God honour . The pride of this Age is greater then euer it was , both in Nobles , Knights , and Gentlemen , and as well in those that should giue good example , as teach precepts , in high and low , rich and poore , all sorts , all degrees , are excessiuely proud : and as it were in despight of Religion , to attire and pranke vp our selues in that pompe and excessiue pride , as were fitter for a Brothell-house , then for the house of God .

I would not be thought to be too generall in my words , for God defend but there should be many good and godly disposed persons that doe frequent the Church , that are no lesse zealously inclined then godly deuoted : yet hee that should duely consider of the excesse that is vsed in superfluous vanities , would rather iudge them to be the marks and monuments of a people that neuer heard of God , then to be in vse and custom amongst Christians when they be seruing of their God .

We goe to Church indeed vpon the Sabboth , and we say it is to seeke Christ , but it is to seeke precedence , to dispute of dignities , to striue for places , to contend who shall goe before , and who shall follow after , and therefore to mocke Christ rather then to seeke him .

Christ is to be sought in lowlinesse of heart and humblenesse of minde : we must seeke him in feare and trembling , in mourning garments , lamenting and bewayling our sins : and therefore let those counterfet hypocrites chuse whether they will be angry or pleased , for I will laugh at them , and giue them the Hubbub too , that will say they goe to seeke Christ in pride and presumption .

We read in the holy Scriptures of three wise-men that came to seeke Christ , ( the Papists would haue them to bee three Kings ) but did they come in my pompe or pride to seeke him ? It is written , they gaue him gifts , Gold , Frankincense , and Myrrh : and this ( in the opinion of most learned Diuines ) was preordained by God himselfe to releeue the necessitie of Ioseph and Mary , who were then presently to flie into Aegypt for the safetie of the childe IESVS , whom Herod did seeke to murder .

We doe read of Zaccheus , that came to seeke Christ , and he was driuen to climbe a Figge tree , but to get a sight of him : the text saith he was rich , but his apparell could not be sumptuous , that was fit to climbe a tree .

Wee read againe of the Virgin Mary her selfe , that for three dayes together had sought Christ , whom in the end shee found amongst the Doctors in the Temple : but doe you thinke she rode all this while in a Coach , that shee went thus to seeke him ?

Christ himselfe came to seeke vs when we were lost , nay when we had lost ourselues , and were sold vnder sinne : but when he came to seeke vs , and to saue the world , did he shine in silke , or glister in gold ?

How is this world changed ? We cannot now goe to seek Christ , but we must be clad in silke , in sattin , in veluet , in cloth of siluer , in cloth of gold . Euery vnworthy Madam , that her mother hath trudged many a mile on foote to goe to market , shee cannot now goe to Church but in a Coach , if it be but the length of a Bowling Alley .

The six dayes that God hath left vnto vs to follow our worldly businesses , wee mis-spend them with many foule abuses ; but the Sabboth day , that we reserue onely to shew our pride .

Thus vnder pretence of going to Church to serue God , we goe to Church to mocke God , and our comming home from the Sermon , doth rather shew vs to be returned from the celebration of those filthy ceremonies which in the old time were solemnized in Rome to the honour of Flora , then to come like Christians with any signe of repentance , or shew in amendment of life . We go to Church as we vse to take Tobacco , more for custome and good companies sake , then for any good it doth vs .

Could we but now marke what passe this age of ours is growne vnto : this age of ours , I say , that doth make so great shew to professe Christianitie : we are all now for pride and pleasure ; but let vs take heede , for pleasure is but the forerunner of misery and paine , and pride that hath depriued the Angels from the ioyes of heauen , is now growne so stately , that she must haue her swindge , she will not be reproued .

Vertue cannot indure to be pent vp in the mindes either of men or women , that doe so far exceed and super abound in vanities .

Amongst those things that our Ancestors did euer obserue as notes whereby to know a harlot , there was none more speciall then the gawdy and garish garments .

Salomon againe he setteth downe the bold audacious woman to be a bird of the same wing ; then what shall we say to her that carries all these marks about her , that is both light and vaine in her apparell , and that is both impudent and shamelesse in her demeanor : this woman hath lost her euidence , and she hath nothing to shew for her honesty .

There is mention made of a Canon , whereby it was ordained , that if a woman had passed through the streets attired like a harlot , howsoeuer shee had bin wronged by any man , or violently assailed , she should haue had no aduantage against him by Law . But if that Canon were now in force , our streets would neuer be without great quarrels ; for their damnable new invented fashions do shew themselues to be no lesse then monsters . Mee thinks it were good therefore , and as well for men as for women , to determine with themselues how they would be accounted , and so to sute themselues in their apparell accordingly .

Let men shew themselues to be like men , that doe now shew themselues like women , to looke like Maid-marrian in a Morris-dance , fitter for a Sempsters shop , then to fight for a Countrey .

Our nicitie hath brought into obliuion , the examples left vnto vs by our ancestors , they vsed none of this tricking , and this trimming vp of themselues , this frizling of haire , this curling of lockes , this starching with blew , with yellow , and with all the colours in the Rainebow , their best painting stuffe was dust well tempered with sweat , the true monument of Trauell , of Labour , of Industry , and of Action .

Now for women , she that powders her Periwigs , she that paints hir face , she that layes open hir breasts , she that bespots her selfe with patches , and layes her selfe naked shamefull to thinke on , she that disguiseth and deformeth hir selfe euery day with new fashions , if this woman be honest , wherefore should she doe these things , vnlesse of purpose , because shee would be thought to be a harlot , but if the woman that doth thus disguise her selfe doth not want a litle honesty , I am sure shee wants a great deale of wit .

Their excuse is , if we should not follow the fashion , none would regard vs : So they goe to hell for fashions sake they care not . These vanities of vanities , what are they else but the traps and traines of hell ? and whilst the body is thus pranked vp in pride , the poore soule goes thred bare , and being made play-fellow with the bodies wantonnesse , she neuer feeleth her owne euill , but that euill only which the body indureth .

But alas how few are there now left to tell the vpright and plaine dealing of our Ancestors , what care they had of the common good , how prouident they were to reforme these ouer-exceeding vanities ; but how few are there now that would either harken or regard it , or would either president or follow their examples ?

Or what shall become of after ages ? What example of goodnesse shall we leaue to our posteritie ? The younger sort can but learne by tradition , what they receiue by example from their Elders : and what can they heare or see either at home or abroad , that is not altogether vaine and vnlawfull ? And besides the forwardnesse of their owne natures which still are ready to all impiety : they haue within doores the examples of their Parents to encourage them , that do think the readiest way to preferre their children ( but especially their daughters ) is to bring them vp in insolency and impudent boldnesse . We sildome see grapes on thorns And how is it possible that the daughter should bee chaste , that is not able to number her mothers fooleries , nor to cast a true account of all her vanities , sometimes perhaps of her adulteries .

If men and women should but degenerate from the rules of vertue , as fast the next age , as they haue done but within the compasse of our owne memories , they that should liue to see it , may bid adieu to all vertue and honesty .

Democritus made himselfe merry with the follies of his time , but hee could not haue halfe the sport to laugh at , that our Age now affordeth : the sinnes of those times were but dull , dumpish , drowsie ; they were not halfe so quicke spirited as now , that are become to bee more capering , more actiue , more nimble , and farre exceeding in agilitie , ouer they were in former ages .

When Alexander kill'd his Clytus , A Drunkards life is most wretched , and his end is commonly most fearefull and damnable , as nine in one Shire haue made a lamentable example , the yeere 1617. He that first inuented that vse of drinking healths , had his ●●aines beat out with a pottle pot : a most iust end for inuentors of such notorius abuses . And many in pledging of Healths haue ended their liues presently , as example lately in London . drunkennesse would rather haue drawne teares from Heraclytus , then laughter from Democrytus ; but it is now become to be more familiar , more conuersant , more sociable , and drunkennesse is now a continuall company-keeper in euery Tauerne , in euery Inne , and in euery Ale-house .

But the base bruits that doe frequent these places , are not worthy the laughing at , I will therefore goe seeke out better company .

There is no feastings , no banquettings , no merry meetings , but if it be not solemnized with a company of drunken sots , that before they be ready to say grace after meat , if some of them be not carried away drunke to their beds , the cost is but cast away , it is not worthy to bee called a feast . In former ages , they had no conceits whereby to draw on drunkennesse , their best was , I drinke to you , and I pledge yee ; till at length some shallow witted drunkard found out the Carowse , which shortly after was turned into an hearty draught : but now it is enioyned to the drinking of an health , an inuention of that worth and worthinesse , as it is pitty , the first founder was not hanged , that wee might haue found out his name in the ancient record of the hangmans register .

The institution in drinking of an Health , is full of ceremony , and obserued by Tradition , as the Papists doe their praying to Saints .

He that beginnes the health , hath his prescribed orders : first vncouering his head , hee takes a full cup in his hand , and setling his countenance with a graue aspect , hee craues for audience : silence being once obtained , hee beginnes to breath out the name , peraduenture of some Honourable Personage , that is worthy of a better regard , then to haue his name polluted at so vnfitting a time , amongst a company of Drunkards : but his health is drunke to , and hee that pledgeth ▪ The Ruffingly order of drinking healths , vsed by the spendalls of this age . must likewise off with his cap , kisse his fingers , and bowing himselfe in signe of a reuerent acceptance ; when the Leader sees his Follower thus prepared , hee soups vp his broath , turnes the bottome of the cup vpward , and in ostentation of his dexteritie , giues the cup a phillip , to make it cry Twango . And thus the first Scene is acted .

The cup being newly replenished to the breadth of an haire , he that is the pledger must now beginne his part , and thus it goes round throughout the whole company , prouided alwayes by a canon set downe by the Founder , there must be three at the least still vncouered , till the health hath had the full passage : which is no sooner ended , but another begins againe , and hee drinkes an Health to his Lady of little worth , or peraduenture to his lighe heell'd mistris .

By these drunken deuices , God is dishonoured , and that loue which in those drunken fits they pretend to any man to bee detested and abhorred ; yea , the prayers that a drunkard maketh vnto God , are rather to be derided , then beleeued ; but the woman they would seeme to honour by drinking her Health , is thereby dishonoured , disgraced and discredited ; for Drunkards are sildome seene to reuerence any woman , either for her vertue , or for her honesty , but are more apt to slander those that neuer deserued it .

Let vs a little define Drunkennesse . Drunkennesse is a vice which stirreth vp lust , greefe , anger and madnesse , extinguisheth the memory , opinion and vnderstanding , maketh a man the picture of a beast , and twice a childe , because hee can neither stand nor speake . Drunkennesse is the mother of outrages , the matter of fables , the root of crimes , the fountaine of vice , the intoxicator of the head , the quelling of the senses , the tempest of the tongue , the storme of the body , the shipwracke of chastitie , losse of time , voluntary madnesse , the filthinesse of manners , the disgrace of life the corruption of the Soule ; if there were no more to bee spoken against it , me thinkes this should bee enough to deterre any Christian heart from this beastly sinne .

I would I had now a chaire with a backe and a soft cushion , that I might sit mee downe to laugh at the whore-master : but especially at him that they call Senex Fornicator , an old Fishmonger , that many yeeres since ingrost the French pox , the which although he sometimes vsed to vent in secret amongst his friends ; yet hee will not so disfurnish himselfe , but that he will reserue sufficient for his owne store , and the rather to conceale his commodity in priuate , and would not haue it to be openly knowen , he shelters them vnder strange deuised titles ; sometimes he calls them the Gowt , sometimes the Sciatica , and thus disguising them vnder these false applyed names , he shamefully slandreth and belieth the pox .

There be some others yet of a better disposition , He shall not bee accounted a Gentleman , if that he doth not carry this marke of the pox about him , and you shall commonly know him , for hee goeth as though he trod on egges , and he neuer rides on a trotting horse . that doe detest this fraudulent manner of dealing , that when they haue made some pretty shift to get the pox , they do set them forth to open shew , and finding them to be sociable , familiar and conuersant amongst Knights and Gentlemen , will grace them with a wrought night cap , yet not in any deceitfull manner , whereby to couzen his Maiesties subiects , but will so lay them open to euerie mans view , that you shall see their true pictures in diuers parts of the face , but especially at the nose : he doth not so hide them , but you shall discerne them by his complexion , by his snuffling in his speech , his nose is commonly as flat as a bowling alley , by his very gate as hee passeth and repasseth by you . If a Dogge doth chance to hit him ouer the shinns with his taile , he cries Oh , and perhaps , raps out an oath or two .

You shall neuer see him play any match at the foot-ball , or to win any wagers at running , or leaping ; he may somtimes dance the measures , but these Carrantoes and Scottish giggs are out of his element : heere is plaine dealing , and it should seeme these poxes are honestly come by , when they are not hidden , but are thus layd open to euery mans view .

But soft and faire , let mee now pause a little , for it stands mee vpon to take good heede how I raise the crie against the Blasphemer , hee that will snarle and swagger , as though hee meant to kill the olde one ; hee that will rumble out oathes like thunder or canon-shot , and will sometimes burst into such a vaine of swearing , as if hee meant to make the powers of Heauen to shake and to tremble . They haue such excuses for their swearing ; first , it graceth their speech , & is an ornament to their phrase . Secondly , it is a generall custome , the most part vse it , and few or none refraine it . Thirdly , they doe it from no bad minde , no wicked intent . Lastly , if they doe sweare , they are but small oathes , and therefore to bee borne withall ; but looke vnto it wicked blasphemer , if God be not mercifull , thou wilt finde none so little but deepe enough , none so light but heauy enough , none so small but great enough to send thee downe into hell . Heere you may see what these damned for sworne Diuells of hell pretend for their diuellish act of swearing .

But I care not if I tell you a history , which was many yeers agoe written in a strange language , but now lately translated out of Essex into English , and thus it followeth .

● strange story ●●d true . There was sometimes a father that had three sonnes , who at the time of his death , bequested by his will his whole estate , aswell of lands , as likewise of goods and chattells , to that one of the three , that by reasonable demonstration could prooue himselfe to be most degenerate and declining , aswell from humanity , as from honestie .

After the death of this well disposed parent , his three sonnes appointed a day of meeting , to determine of their fathers bequest , when comming together , the eldest brother in a short Exordium deliuered his fathers determination , how hee had disposed his whole estate onely to him that could prooue himselfe the most dishonest , the which ( sayd hee ) I hope I shall neither need to spend many words , nor to bring better testimony , then what your selues doe know , and of your owne consciences will award in my behalfe .

To speake then to the purpose : The first sonnes speech . I am well knowen to you both , to be a common whore-master , that doe wholly encline my selfe to follow harlots , that doe spend , squander and consume my time ( day by day , and night after night ) my goods , my bodie , my life and my lands , in Brothell-houses , amongst Bawds and Harlots , that are the very sincks of sinne ; yea , all I haue , or euer shall bee wotth , so dearely doe I loue these prostituted beastly queanes , that I cannot sleep quietly in my bed for thinking of them ; Whores are the Diuells hacknies and let to none but his owne seruants . that as Salomon hath sayd , doe carrie death and damnation about them : These be they that I haue so dedicated my selfe vnto , that neither the feare of God , the shame of the world , nor the admonition of friends is able to restraine me ; whom neither the loue of an honest wife , the naturall care of dutifull children , nor the sting of a guilty conscience , can any whit at all mollifie . Tell me now , where shall you finde amongst men a villaine more stained and polluted with loathed filthines , or more to be detested then is the whore-monger ? If any of you two can shew your selues to be more degenerating from honesty or humanity , I yeeld vp my right , I make no further claime .

The second brother being now to speake for himselfe , began in this manner :

Brother , I acknowledge all that you haue said to be true , The second brothers speech . and I confesse the whoremonger to be a most vicious villain amongst men : but you haue yet shot short of the mark you aimed at ; for you are not so much enclined to follow that filthy appetite of whoredome and adulterie , but I am as much and more addicted to base and beastly drunkennesse , base and beastly I may well tearme it , A Drunkard is beast and no man . for there is nothing whereby to distinguish a man from a beast , but the vse of reason : for as man hath his being ▪ so hath a beast : man hath sense and feeling , beasts haue both : man hath life , beasts haue the like : but man hath the gift of reason , the only euidence he hath to shew that he is a man and not a beast . Now a drunkard hath lost his euidence , for he hath neither the vse of reason , of wit , nor of honesty ; he is fit for no good companie , nor godly exercise amongst men ; and amongst beasts , he is more loathsome and filthy then is a hog , that amongst beasts that are filthy , is yet the most filthy . Yea , there is nothing so pleasing vnto me as the pot & tobacco-pipe , which makes mee haue a great paunch , my face set with rich carbuncles , my nose pimpled like holly berries , there is no newes so welcome , so pleasing , as Come shall we goe drinke , for a pot of old march-beere and a cup of sacke , will make my nose the riper : and this is my delight from day to weeke , and from weekes to yeeres , and heerein I take my whole delight .

This ( I hope ) may then suffice , that although the whore-master be a creature that is most to be detested and abhorred amongst men , yet the common drunkard , being a beast , and no man , is most digressing , as well from the bounds of humanity , as from the rules of honesty : and therefore as our prouident father hath by his will determined , the inheritance must be mine .

The younger brother , that was now lastly to speake , began in this manner :

The third brothers speech . Brother whoremaster , & brother drunkard , I haue heard the allegations that you haue hitherto alledged for your selues , and I haue had much adoe to forbeare swearing : yet thus farre I concurre with you both , that the whoremonger amongst men is the most vicious , and therefore the most to be abhorred and detested : and the drunkard I doe thinke indeed to be a filthy beast , not worthy to beare the name of a man : but if your owne positions be good , the inheritance is mine . But brother whoremaster , you thinke to carry away the prize , because you are the most loathed creature amongst men : And brother drunkard , you thinke to defeat mee , because you are the most filthy amongst beasts ; but I tell you in few words , and a little thing would make mee to sweare , the right is mine , and I will haue it , that am neither man nor beast , but a damned Fiend of hell , a Diuell incarnate , A Blasphemer is a limb of the Diuell . accursed by Gods owne mouth . Zownds , a common blasphemer is a creature more pernicious , then either man or beast .

It is I that doe set that tongue , which by the right of creation should be the trumpet to sound forth the glorie of God , I doe make it the instrument to prophane and blaspheme his holy name ; to sweare by his wounds , and by his bloud , by his heart , by his guts , by his side , by his body , by his soule .

Can any Diuell of hell shew himselfe to be more aduerse ? Giue ouer therefore your further claimes , for the inheritance belongeth to me , it is I that am a bondslaue to the Diuell , a fire brand of hell , a wretch that is most accursed , it is I that am all this , and therefore it is I that must inherit .

Thus farre my Historie , and I thinke of my conscience this last of the three brethren had the best right to that his father had bequested , for amongst the sonnes of men , there is not a more accursed , then is the blasphemer .

But now it is accounted a Gentleman-like humor in him that can sweare ex tempore , for matters of no moment , and they say it is a signe of courage : but to speake the truth , it is a signe that hee is a reprobate wretch , forsaken of God , that doth vse it : and as his life is detestable , so his death will bee damnable .

What swearing and forswearing againe amongst Marchants , amongst Shop-keepers , and amongst all manner of Trades-men , in buying , in selling , in bargaining , in promise-making , and yet what little regard in the keeping of an oath ? We sweare by the liuing Lord , by the power of God , the eternitie of God , the maiestie of God , the life , the death of God ; then we diuide our God , to rend him in sunder with whole volleyes of oathes , as his heart , his bloud , his flesh , his sides , his wounds , his hands , his nailes , his feet , his toes , and all the parts of his precious body : a wicked impudent age , that any people vnder the face of heauen should dare to presume thus to sweare and forsweare our selues , regarding not our oathes , hauing store of Gods iust iudgements on such wicked blaspheming wretches daily set before our eyes for examples vnto vs , and wee regard them not , neither amend our sinfull liues .

The Turkes and Infidells are more respectiue to obserue an oath that they doe make in the name of their Mahomet , then we that be Christians , when wee sweare by the name of the liuing God .

Our Gallants haue deuised strange oathes , most fearefull to name , such as were neuer inuented , but by some damned forsworne fiend of hell ; and when they are at gaming , to heare them thunder forth these oathes , would make a Christians heart to tremble . Nay , he is thought to be but an vnthrift , that will not forge , faine , flatter , sweare and forsweare for his owne aduantage .

The breaking of an oath that is made betweene party and party , is accounted to be no periurie : nay , whole millions of oathes that are vowed in the performance of promises , that are neuer kept , is accounted no dishonesty .

If mens words , and deeds , and thoughts , did concurre in one , we should vndoe the Lawyers , neither should we need so many Scriueners to write obligations .

I my selfe doe know a great number of men in the world , that are called honest men , yet I know but a very few ( if it were vpon a payment of money ) but I had rather take his bond , then his booke-oath .

An vngracious age of ours this same , that if wee forbeare from doing euill , it is more for the feare of punishment , then for the loue of vertue .

Mens honesties are now measured by the Subsidy-book ; he that is rich is honest , and the more a man doth abound in wealth , so much the more he doth exceed , and that as well in honesty , as in wit .

Hee that hath great friends , hath no faults ; but hee that is poore ( if he be honest ) I warrant him he will neuer be rich , for the time doth not serue for men to gather wealth by any honest precepts .

We doe looke ascew at vertue , when vice shall be saluted with cap and curtesie ; and Arts and Sciences must now dance attendance , and waite vpon ignorance : and he that cannot sometimes grease a foole with praises , may ( peraduenture ) die wise , but neuer wealthy .

We purchase lands , and we build vp houses with the ruines of the Church , with the sinnes of the people , with the sweat of other mens browes , with periury , with bribery , with oppression , with extortion : it makes no matter how we get , nor how we liue , when at the time of our death , we may haue an Epitaph , or a Funerall Sermon , when amongst a thousand sinnes that we haue committed , euen shamefull to bee spoken , yet if we haue done but one good deed be it neuer so litle , yet it shall be devulgated and extolde in a greater measure , then that of Curtius , when he offered himself into the deuouring gulfe for the safety of his Countrey : yet whilst we liue , we doe make shew to haue great regard to our good names , that haue no care at all to our consciences : We daily see the rich Landlord doth grinde the faces of the poore Tenants by cruell oppression , extortion , and miserable seruitude : for the poore Tenant must be at command , vnder his most tyrannous Landlord . This proud deformed wormes-meat , that whores , drinks , playes , sweares , and swaggers , that consumes body and soule , lands and life , nay hee will vndoe a whole hundred of honest poore men , to maintaine his detested and loathed appetite . But looke vnto it , thou whose guilty conscience doth tell thee thy faults are apparent , and God doth heare the cry of the poore , who daily heapeth curses vpon thy vicious soule , for thy cruelty too largely executed vpon them .

But they are worthy to haue the Hubbub , and to bee well laughed at , that cannot cut out their owne consciences , either litle or large , short or long , or of what size or fashion they list : they may learne of the Wolfe , that being inioyned by his ghostly Father to fast , and for foure & twenty houres to eat no more flesh then in his conscience did exceede the value of three halfe-pence ; The wolfes conscience and the Vsurers are much alike . the Wolfe departing homeward , meeting with a sheepe and a lambe , valued the sheepe in his conscience to be worth a penny , and the lambe a halfe-penny , & so with a safe conscience he deuoured them both : And he that will liue in this world , and cannot learne of the Wolfe to square out a large conscience , will neuer grow fat .

It is but our owne denying or misdenying , that makes or marres the matter . A strong faith helps all : the lesson is not new , Crede quod habes & habes , the Preist taught it long ago to a yong scholler that came to borrow his horse .

But it is a pretty thing this conscience , I confesse , and it is good for a man to carry about him , when he goes to church ; but he that doth vse it in Faires or Markets , will die a begger , sayes this wise world .

I am moued with commiseration toward the poore Country-man , that dwels too neere him that is rich , whom he shall finde to be so sharpe-sighted , that he shall reape no commoditie , but he will haue both an eye and a longing to it : and then if he be denyed , the poore man shall finde himselfe ill neighboured . Would you haue a president ? I will not be curious : There was sometimes a poore Farmer , who dwelling neere a Gentleman , But although the Country-man cannot spare his Oxe , yet the Iustice often hath the horne . a Iustice of peace , that would haue bought a yoke of Oxen , which this Farmer could not spare , and therfore vpon necessitie was driuen to make deniall ; wherevpon Master Iustice conceiued such displeasure , that after this repulse , the poore man found himselfe to bee continually crossed and disturbed , and from time to time , so many wayes wronged , that he came to this Gentleman to seeke iustice , Beware the Iustice , Countrey-man . whom he found still to be rather supporting those that did oppresse him , then seeming any wayes to render him right : but perceiuing at the length the truth from whence it grew , in a submissiue manner he came to Master Iustice : Why ( said the Iustice ) do you thinke me to be your enemy ? Alas ( said the Farmer ) I do feele the smart of it , and am come in this humble manner to beseech your good will : Why then ( said the Iustice ) you see I can bite though I do not barke . I do see and feele it ( quoth the Farmer ) but Sir , if I had a Dogge of that condition , I protest I would hang him as soone as I came home .

There be many such curs in the world now in these daies , that can both bite and whine , many of them more regarded for the authority they beare , then for any goodnesse is in them : but I will now giue the Hubbub to him that will buy an office : and yet I thinke the buying of an office , and the buying of a dignity are much alike , they are both attained vnto by corruption . And vertue betweene them is betrayed , and bought and sold for money ; but since offices hath bin set to sale , to Quicunque vult , the Prince and Common-wealth hath bin the worse serued .

The time hath bin when he that would seeke to buy an office , was thought vnworthy to beare an office , but the buying and selling of offices , and the giuing & taking of bribes , are two pernicious euils : and that Common-wealth may be thought most blessed , where offices are giuen to the vertuous , but not sold to the rich , that doe seeke by their money but to oppresse vertue . There is not a more dangerous thing then to put an office into his hand that is both wise and wicked , or to arme him with power & authority that is of a couetous disposition ; the eye of wisdom , that in former ages would looke into these enormities , was very vigilant and carefull to preuent them , and prouided Lawes , whereby to bridle ( not onely these ) but diuers other abuses , which from time to time were hatched vp .

Lycurgus made a Law against drunkennesse , Augustus Caesar against pompous buildings , the Lucanes against prodigality , the Lacedemonians against excesse in apparell , the Aegyptians against whoredome , the Thebanes against negligent Parents , that brought vp their children in idlenesse and insolency . And God be thanked for it , wee want no good Lawes in England , whereby to restraine all manner of abuses ; but the examples of a godly life , The golden Law is the best . in those that should minister the due execution of those Lawes , would be more effectuall then the Lawes themselues ; but some of them are rather inclined to their owne priuate profit , then the publique commodity , and can be contented to tolerate in others , those vices that themselues are addicted to .

Iustice is made blind by bribery : and authority daily abused . In the olde time they vsed to picture Iustice blindfold , with a vaile before hir eyes , signifying , that Iustice should not see the parties between whom shee was to distribute , but should performe hir office with equity and right , without any respect of persons , but now they haue put hir eyes quite out , and haue likewise made her deafe , she can neither heare nor see . I thinke they haue peckt out hir eyes with Capons , that were wont to bee brought vnto hir by couples , and sometimes by halfe dozens : I cannot say how she should be come to be so deafe , vnlesse by the neighing of Coach horses , or the rumbling of Coaches : And Iustice hath her eares many times poysoned with vngracious tales that be whispered vnto her : or how it comes to passe I know not , but blind & deafe they haue made hir , she can neither heare nor see the pride , the adultery , the drunkennesse , the bawdery , the bribery , the popery , the impiety , shee cannot see a Recusant , a Preist , a Papist , a Iesuite , our abhominations runne currant , without controulment , for alas Iustice is bereaued the vse of her senses , shee can neither heare nor see .

She can a little smell , and she can sometimes vent a horse , a hawke , a hogshead of wine , sugar , spice , flesh , fish , fowle , or any thing that comes vnder the name or title of a present .

She cannot indure the name of a bribe , he that offers hir a bribe , she thinks him a foole , but for presents let them bring them till their backs do ake , she will make them more weary in giuing , then shee will be in taking .

I would be glad to fortifie my speeches with some example , although not of the time present , yet of the time past , and I remember a matter that I thinke will serue my turne , I cannot set you downe the yeere of our Lord , the day of the moneth , the certaine place or country , nor the names of the parties by whom it was acted , but true it is , and if reports may bee beleeued , and for a truth it hath passed many yeeres ago .

There was sometimes ( in what Countrey I know not ) but a Magistrate there was , but amongst many controuersies that were depending before him , there was one had bin of that continuance , that the plaintiffe 〈◊〉 his better speed , bestowed a hogshead of choice wine vpon this Magistrate for a present , whereof the defendant hauing gotten intelligence , to outwaigh his aduersaries hogshead of wine , he presented this Magistrate with a very faire horse , There be many men in authoritie of the Welsh mans minde , they had rather haue one eleuen shilling peece then all the Angells in heauen . which was likewise accepted and receiued : the plaintiffe vnderstanding of this horse thus giuen , began to despaire of his owne successe , thinking his hogshead of wine to be but lost , bethought himselfe yet to goe drinke some part of it , before it were all spent , and with this determination had himselfe to dinner to this Magistrate , where diuers other guests being at the Table , and tasting of this wine , which they felt to be good , they began to praise and commend it one to the other , onely this Gentleman that had giuen it drunke apace amongst the rest , without any word speaking either in praise or dispraise , which the Magistrate himselfe noting and marking , with a smiling countenance began to cheere vp his guest , saying vnto him , mee thinks I heare euery body praising my wine , but you your selfe ; you say nothing to it , I would heare you say it were good . The Gentleman that had the horse still sticking in his stomacke , answered him in the best English he could speake , I sai● , ●●●d tooke to 〈◊〉 was 〈…〉 was makest 〈◊〉 a 〈…〉 .

They all began to laugh at this Gentlemans to ad conceit , that did thinke a horse had bin drowned in the wine , but the Magistrate that best vnderstood his English would moue no further speeches , but let the matter passe . How the Gentleman sped after in his sute , I cannot tell ; for we see the world is come to that passe , that amongst those that doe follow sutes in Law , he is commonly thought to haue most right , that is able to giue most money .

For some Lawyers cannot speake till their tongues be ript with gold , they had rather haue one eleuen shilling peece then all the Angels in heauen . Then is not this a miserable age , when money makes new law , not honest Lawyers . We haue so many P●●●dous in these dayes , that can alter the case , and for their owne 〈◊〉 , will rule : money to set men at strife and variance , and hee s but a foolish Lawyer , that cannot empty his Clyents purse , before he end his sute .

There is no Law , be it neuer so legitimate or truely begotten , which with wrested glozes and subtle expositions they cannot bastardize .

They are pugnantia inter se , there is no agreement amongst them , but what one confirmes to day , to morrow another will frustrate . And we haue as many petty-foggers , tramplers of the Law , that doe much wrong the Lawes of the land , that want both law , wit and honesty , that liue only by setting their neighbours together by the eares , and then they prey vpon the poore ignorant people , they are as bad in a Common-wealth , as moths in a garment .

There be some Lawyers more wise then honest , they come vp to London with an empty capcase , and the Clyent with a full capcase , but before the last Returne of the Terme , the money is all in the Lawyers capcase , and in requitall he stuffes the Clyents capcase with rotten papers : HELL a Tauerne neere Westminster Hall . and this fellow is so conuersant with the Diuell , that euery day he goes to Hell to breakfast .

There be many miracles assigned to Saints , that ( they say ) are good for all diseases , they can giue sight to the blinde , make the deafe to heare , they can restore limbs that be cripled , and make the lame to goe vpright , they be good for Horse , for Swine , and many other beasts . And women are not without their shee Saints , to whom they doe implore when they would haue children , and for a quick deliuerance when they be in labour .

They haue Saints to pray to , when they be greeued with a third day ague , when they be pained with the tooth-ach , or when they would be reuenged of their angry husbands .

They haue Saints , that be good amongst Poultry , for Chickins when they haue the pip , for Geese when they doe fit , to haue a happy successe in Goslings . And to be short , there is no disease , no sicknesse , no greefe , either amongst men or beasts , that hath not his Physician among the Saints : And this is the cause ( as may be supposed ) why Physicians haue not so large commings in as Lawyers : for there is no controuersie or sute in Law , be it neuer so litle , neuer so iust , neuer so honest , that hath either Hee-Saint , or Shee-Saint to defend or befrend it : Some will say , that it is a signe of a licentious Common-wealth , where Lawyers and Physicians haue too great imployments ; and I thinke indeed , they are most happy , that haue least to do with any of them both .

I will not meddle with our Ministery , that I thinke of my conscience , were neuer more reuerently to be regarded then at this present , and that as well for their knowledge , as learning ; yet notwithstanding the sinceritie of Hely , his proud sonnes deserued the Hubbub : and there is nothing wherein some of our Diuines may be so much detected , as in giuing so much way to their childrens pride .

I had thought here to haue ended my discourse , and to haue woond vp my merriment with this old perclose , And thus I bid you hartily farewell , the winding vp of euery ordinary letter , but as I was dipping my pen to haue taken vp inke , I heard a muttering of mens voices , as they were passing through the streets , and looking out at a window , I saw foure young Roaring Boyes , that ( I thinke ) were new come from some Ordinarie , the one with a coloured feather in his hat ; the other I marked well , had a long lowsie locke hung dangling by his eare , like a Derry Irish Glybei : the third was in a yellow starcht band , that made him to looke as if he had bin troubled with the yellow iaundis : the fourth had a short sword , like that which we were wont to call an Ale-house Dagger , and that was trussed close to his side with a scarfe ; they were all foure in white bootes , and gilt spurres , and they were consulting as they went along , how they might spend the afternoone : The one gaue his verdict to go see a Play : a second aduised rather to goe to Tables or Cards , two against two for a quart or two of sacke : the third thought it better , that they might goe recreate themselues a litle in a bawdy house : but the fourth sware a great oath , that if they would go with him , he would bring them to the best pipe of Tobacco , that euer came out of the West Indies .

This was the man to whom they all assented , the very sound of A pipe of Tobacco , made them all to run , as Swine to the draffe , when they heare the Maide begin to knocke vpon the end of the Hogs trough . They say the Welchmen came all running out of Heauen , when they heard one without the gate , crying , Gasse bobby , Gasse bobby ; but I thinke our Englishmen would run as fast into Hell , if they did but heare a voice crying out , A pipe of Tobacco .

But away these Gentlemen went together , and I began to wonder how a filthy stinking Antidote could so bewitch men to forget themselues .

In former ages , Gentlemen and Knights at their merry meetings were wont to spend the time in honest recreation ; sometimes in gaming , or other pleasant sporting ; sometimes in manly exercises , and indeuours of actiuitie ; sometimes in braue discoursings , in matters of wit and learning ; but how there is no musick pleasing , but the pot , and the Tobacco pipe .

O base conditioned time , is wit so farre spent amongst Knights and Gentlemen , that they can imploy it to no better indeuours , but to imitate that abuse , which is so common with euery Ostler , with euery Tapster , with euery Tinker , with euery Costermonger , with euery Horse-boy : and to conclude , that is in such vse and custome with euery rogue and rascall .

Me thinks the very community should make knowne the vanity : for vertue was neuer knowne yet to be imbraced by the multitude .

But they will say , there are both wise and learned , that do vse to take Tobacco ; hey more , there are none will take it faster then some Physicians , that be accounted most learned .

And there be as wise and learned , that could neuer bee brought to meddle with it , and there be many wise men , that of my knowledge ( for the little good they haue found in it ) haue giuen it ouer : And for those Physitians that will take Tobacco so fast , they haue ( as other men ) many faults worse then that , vnffit for wise men to imitate , I will therefore make them no president , and Physicians are commonly accounted to be so much the more learned , that can best flatter fooles in their folly . But I haue heard as wise , as learned , and as honest Physicians as any be in England , that haue said Tobacco hath both killed and shortned many men liues .

But let vs goe to experience , 〈…〉 of former ages , Tobacco hath shortned many a mans life , and brought many good mans heire to beggery . as of this of ours at this present , that hath taught vs , and still doth teach vs , that those that neuer medled with Tobacco , haue liued , and doe liue in more sound and perfect health , then those that take it fastest , But they will say there bee men of greater regard , then either Physicians , Gentlemen , or Knights that will take Tobacco , and therefore they are much to bee blamed , that will either write or speake against it .

The greater the person is , tanta maius crimen , his example is the more hurtfull , and he is rather to bee pittied for his infirmity , then imitated for his dignitie .

But if the example of greatnes may be a confirmation of matters to make them true or false , then I dare confidently prouounce Tobacco to be the most vaine and idle toy , that euer was brought into vse and custome amongst men , when wee haue a president , of him that is not onely most great , Sir , you are deceiued , for by Tobacco comes red noses , the onely marke of good fellowes . but is likewise most wise , most learned , most worthy , most renowned ; yea , and most worthy thus to bee accounted , that hath euermore impugned , detested and abhorred Tobacco .

Let them then giue ouer to vaunt of their wise and learned men , and let them take the folly to themselues , that like Spiders , can draw poison to hurt themselues , that can bribe their owne wits to flatter their owne follies , that are carried away with the tempestuous whirle-windes of their own affections .

Humours and affections haue a great hand ouer vs , and they doe both place and displace Reason at their pleasure , and where Affection doth hold the Seat and Scepter in the Castle of the Minde , they may ges●e at many things , as they are led by opinion , but of very few according to truth : for where the heart is possest with any vehement affection , there Reason is exempt from his proper office , and their iudgement may easily be mistaken , and there is no contending against them , amongst whom Opinion is of such force , as Reason is of no force .

Our sooty-mouthed Tobacconists can candie poyson , and they doe so hugge their owne follies , that they are ready to turne all accidents into arguments , to fit their purpose .

And this wee doe see by other experiments , that when men haue once besotted themselues vpon a folly , there is neither example of shame , nor perswasion of wit can make them to desist .

Would you haue an instance , for your better confirmation , it is not yet so long since this new-found-out foolery of yellow starcht bands were taken vp , but that it is within the compasse of our owne memories .

And I could heere discouer the names of two seuerall persons that were noted to be the first that were seen with those bables about their neckes in the Court of England , Pride hath ouerthrowen Kingdomes , and brought whole nations to vtter desolation . the one of them being openly reprehended for his folly , was likewise admonished to beware of Gods iudgements , that doth neuer faile to attend on those new Inuenters of vanities , that doth not onely addict themselues vnto monstrous pride , but by their abhominable example doth induce others to doe the like .

And as it was presaged , so it came to passe ; for this Gentle-man , vpon some occasion very shortly after being in France , was there brought to an vntimely death , and that by an extraordinarie accident .

The other remaines at this houre a spectacle of Gods heauy displeasure .

Mistris Turners exclamations against yellow starcht bands . Yet the open exclamation that was made by Turners wife at the houre of her death , in the place where shee was executed , cannot be hidden , when before the whole multitude that were there present , shee so bitterly protested against the vanitie of those yellow-starchtbands , that her outcryes ( as it was thought ) had taken such impression in the hearts of her hearers , that yellow starcht bands would haue beene ashamed ( for euer after to haue shewed themselues about the neckes , either of men that were wise , or of women that were honest ) but wee see our expectation hath failed vs , for they beganne euen then to bee more generall then they were before . I doe exceedingly admire these idle-headed young Gallants , or ruffianly Roaring-Boyes , how they can walke the streets with one of these base , odious , vgly , beastly bands , this new diuellish inuented fashion , looking as though they had scaped from the Diuell in hell , and there had scorched his band , where euerie one wonders to see this ape of fashion , and points at him for a foole in this lewd example . Well honest Countrey-women , I bring you good newes : I wish you now to looke vnto your selues ; if euer you intend to bee rich , now is the time : You know Tobacco is in great trading ; but you shall be Marchants , and only for egges : Marchants for egges . for whereas one pipe of Tobacco will suffice three or foure men at once , now ten or twenty egges will hardly suffice to starch one of these yellow bands : A fashion that I thinke shortly will be as conuersant amongst Taylors , Tapsters , Those that doe follow such idle ridiculous fashions , make their Tennants Freeholders within one twelue-month after their lands comes into their hands . and Tinkers , as now they haue brought Tobacco . But a great Magistrate , to disgrace it , enioyned the Haugman of London to become one of that Fraternitie , and to follow the fashion ; and the better to enable him , he bestowed of him some beneuolence to pay for his laundry : And who was now so briske with a yellow feather in his hat , and a yellow starcht band about his necke , walking in the streets of London , as was master Hangman ? so that my young Masters , that haue but sithence fallen into that Trimme , they doe but imitate the Hangmans president , the which how ridiculous a matter it is , I will leaue to themselues to thinke on . All that I haue endeauoured , is but to make good what I haue formerly auowed , That a Foole will not bee-brought to leaue his Bable , neither for the shame of the world , nor for the loue of vertue ; and of my conscience , if there were yet some other Lobcoculus , that to shew his dexterity of wit , would leaue his yellow , and betake himselfe into greene , red , tawny , or to any other coloured manner of starching , he should haue followers , that would bring it into a fashion : this is a true prouerb , A yellow band and a greene wit . So that as of these yellow starcht bands , I thinke the like of Tobacco , it was first brought into England by some man of little vertue , and afterwards brought into custome by those of lesse wit .

But they say Tobacco is physicall , it is medicinable , it is precious for all manner of diseases , and they doe attribute more vertue to their Tobacco , then Bellarmine doth to his Pope . They say it will make a fat man leane , a leane man fat : he that hath fill'd his paunch till it be ready to burst , they say a pipe of Tobacco will make him to disgest ; hee that wants meat to fill his hungry belly , a pipe of Tobacco is as good a bait , as halfe a dozen of Horse bread for a Carriers horse ▪ it is like the Shoo-makers leather , that if your boots be too strait , hee tells you it will reatch ; if too wide , hee tels you , it will shrinke . So Tobacco , it is good for encrease , it is good for decrease , it is good to take before meat , it is good to take after meat , it is good to take betweene meales , it is good in the morning , it is good in the euening , it is good at mid-day , The world neuer found out so rare a weed , as these fooles would haue of Tobacco . it is good at mid-night , it is good at all times , at all seasons , in the summer , in the winter , in the heat , in the cold , in the spring , in the fallt it is good for all complexions , for all constitutions , for old men , for young men , for all diseases , proceeding either from hot causes , from cold causes , from drie causes , from moist causes : A man may take it as often as he list , as much as he list , as little as hee list , at the change of the Moone , at the full of the Moone , at the waine of the Moone ; vnder euery Signe , vnder euery Planet , vnder euery Aspect , vnder euery Climate . Now if the soueraignty of Tobacco be such , as these men would perswade , either Physicians be Dolts , that doe prescribe vs so many obseruations , or these be notable Fooles that doe thus take it . But the conceit that is holden of Tobacco , how precious it is against the French pox , may make some that doe feele themselues to be distempered , to be the more enclining to it .

Some other againe that be old Fishmongers , and loue to follow the game , doe vse to fish those pooles where they know the pox are easily caught , doe therefore take Tobacco , to preuent perills . But how vnwise art thou , that doest know thy selfe to be free from that loathed sicknesse , and wilt yet be sucking at the Tobacco-pipe , that euery pockie companion hath beslauered before thee , whom wisemen haue euer shonned to drinke withall in one cup ? But let them be as free from that disease as they list , hee that is still sucking at the Tobacco-pipe , must yet take the imputation vpon him , that doth seeme with such diligence to seeke out the remedy that is vsed for the cure .

But I am not so madde to thinke that euery man that doth take Tobacco , doth therefore take it because he feeles himselfe to be diseased ; for then if his Maiesty had an imployment but of a small company of men that were healthfull and sound , they would hardly bee found out either in England or in Ireland . But this I thinke , that the greatest number doth take Tobacco more for matter of custome , then for matter of maladie . Yet one thing I haue noted , ( marke it he that list ) the Tobacconist that is obseruatiue , that prescribeth himselfe set times and houres to take his Tobacco , at those times and houres by himselfe prefixed , will sooner omit his praiers to God , then not performe his owne prescribed ceremony in taking Tobacco : Hee that should bring one of these to the Horse-market in Smithfield , and there offer him to sell , he could not warrant him to be sound of winde and limb , but he must passe among the lades , that men doe vse to put away for some hidden infirmity .

Shall I craue your patience now , and but to speake truly , there is not any man that maketh a custome in taking Tobacco , but he hath some defect either in body or in minde ; for hee that doth not take it for the cure of some infirmitie that he feeleth in his body , he hath both a defectiue and foolish mind , that is so ready euery day to choake himselfe with an Indian smoake , so chargeable to his purse , and that without either constraint , cause , or necessity .

Heere I would now craue the censure of Diuinitie , whether this idle vanity , taken with such excesse ( whereby the blessings of God are daily abused ) be not as hatefull a sinne , and as much offending God , as either drunkennesse or gluttonie ? I dare boldly pronounce , this excessiue taking of Tobacco , not only to be foolish , but also to be vngodly , and therefore to bee despised , detested , and abhorred by men , that be either good or godly : and he that doth vse it , vnlesse vpon necessity , as hee shall bee constrained for the curing of some griefe or malady , is to be laughed at , and deserueth the Hubbub .

Tobacco is like a Popes Bull , that Papists doe thinke to be a good discharge of all the sinnes they can commit , from the meanest to the mainest , from the eating of an egge , to the murdering of a King . The Tobacconist hath the like conceit of his Trinidado , that he thinketh to be a good Supersedeas for all diseases , from the aching of a tooth , to the French pox . The text that I haue taken in hand is but of smoake , and why should I vse any forcible battery against so vaine a vapour ? but especially to those that haue dedicated themselues to this idle vanity , that there is no sequestration , that either wit or reason can afford , is able to separate .

Tobacco is the Heathens enriching , and Englands wilfull vndoing , and by the smoake thereof hath dried vp the hand of Iustice she will not doe her duty . I haue formerly sayd , that the first transportation of Tobacco into England , was not performed by any man , that was either of worth , or of any great account : So againe , it neuer grew into credit with any wise or temperate spirits , but ( as it were ) by an inconsiderate and foolish affectation of nouelties , drawne from a people that are Infidells and Aliens to God , truely reputed to bee the verie refuse of the world . Shall I now speake of the inconueniences that are drawne in by this immoderate taking of Tobacco ?

What reuerent tearmes might I then vse , whereby to expresse the vnciuill behauiours of old Tobacconists ? whilest they are sucking at their Tobacco-pipe , their slauering without regard of modesty , their spitting , their spawling , the vncleanlinesse of the sight , the loathsomnesse of the stincke .

First , it is drawne in at the mouth , then it is snuffled out at the nose , whereby the aire is infected with such a loathsome fume , that those that bee standers by cannot draw their breath , but they must sucke downe some of that filthy vapour , that hath beene blowne out , if not through a pockie nostrill , yet ( for the most part ) through a snotty nose .

And were it not as good manners for such an vnciuill chimny-nosed Tobacconist , to spit in a mans face , as to puffe out his filthy vapor where it flies into a mans mouth ? I might yet speak of the idlenes , the drunkennes , the swearing , the swaggering , the blasphemings , & of many other like enormities , that are all drawne in by this insatiable taking of Tobacco .

Amongst the rest , I cannot forget to commiserate poore distressed Ladies and Gentle-women , that among the creatures of Gods making , are of the most delicate & pure constitution , that must subiect themselues to the base & barbarous customes of these rude and vnciuill Tobacconists , that doth so pollute and perfume themselues with this loathsome and filthy stuffe , that a woman were as good to thrust her nose into a close stoole , as to smell the vnsauoury sent of her husbands stinking breath . If Nature had made mee a woman , as she hath done a man , I cannot tell how I might haue prooued in honesty , but I would haue beene one of the coyest female creatures , that euer knit a paire of browes in anger , but especially to these Tobacco-Knights , I would haue banisht them my company , they might sometimes ( peraduenture ) haue talked with me before folkes , but I would haue blest my selfe from their further acquaintance .

I haue talked so long of this filthy Antidote , that it hath made mee almost forget my good manners . The time hath beene , when if we did speake of such loathsome stuffe , wee vsed to put a sir reuerence before , but wee forget our good orders : and the best is , I speake but to such as are vnmannerly in the taking of it , as I am in the speaking of it . Let vs therefore set the Hares head against the Goose gyblets , if they will tax mee for my vnreuerent words , I will tax them for their vnciuill deeds .

I remember a pretty iest of Tobacco . That was this . A certaine Welch-man comming newly to London , and beholding one to take tobacco , neuer seeing the like before , and not knowing the manner of it , but perceiuing him vent smoake so fast , and supposing his inward parts to be on fire : cried out , O Ihesu , Ihesu man , for the passion of Cod hold , for by Cods spludty snowts on fire , and hauing a bowle of beere in his hand , threw it at the others face to quench his smoking nose . If they grow angry , and will say I am a foole , I will laugh the faster , and will say , there are not onely but also : It is a good Decorum for a man , to sute his words according to his subiect . I haue hitherto spent my breath but to smoke 〈◊〉 Tobacconists , I will now conuert my speeches 〈…〉 be of wisdome and iudgement , to those that 〈…〉 away with their owne affections , but tha● 〈…〉 distinguish betweene good and euill , truth and 〈…〉 and vice : to them I say ; There is no man that doth vse to take Tobacco , but he must take vpon him the imputation of some disease , or else hee must acknowledge himselfe to be a foole : for ( besides the chargeable expences , which drawes deep in his purse that plies it a pace ) who would endure the vnsauoury taste , the loathsome smell , the vnseemly sight , whilst they are in taking of it , but for the cure of some infirmity ? And by the rules of Physicke , there is no cure to be vsed , but where there is cause : Now what hidden vertue a smoakie vapour may haue for the curing of all diseases is much to be doubted , or why should we not rather suspect it to bee more hurtfull then helpfull . There needes no other probation but this : It is smoake , and I neuer heard that smoke was good for any thing , vnlesse to dry red herring . It is naught in the Kitchin , it is worse in the Chamber , but for this smoake of Tobacco , the hatefulnesse of the smell doth argue the Antipathie it hath against Nature : Now if the disease be but a Cough , a Colde , a Rheume , a Distillation , or some such other like slight infimity ( as the Tobacconist will acknowledge none that be more loathsome ) the medicine then ( in euerie wise consideration ) is much more noysome then is the malady . I will not say but that Tabacco may be medicinable for some diseases , and men that haue infirmities ( if they finde ease in it ) may take and vse it as an Apothecaries Drugge : but if all bee diseased that doe vse to take Tobacco , God help England , it is wonderfully infected , and his Maiestie hath but a few subiects that be healthfull in his whole dominions .

But this excessiue and immoderate taking of it without necessity , is not onely a sinne before God , but a great shame in the sight of all good men , and there is no sinne that deserueth more bitterly to be reprehended , nor no shame that is more to bee mocked and scorned . And now to speake truely what it is that maketh mee so bitterly to inueigh against Tobacco . If it would please the Reader aduisedly to consider what a masse of money is yeerely blowne away in the Tobacco pipe , It hath been accounted the sum that may bie spent in England in one yeere in Tobacco is sue hundreth and nineteene thousand three hundred seuenty fiue pounds , all spent in smoake , besides priuate spendings , besides Gentlemens 〈…〉 , and Tauernes , Innes , and Ale-houses He that giueth to the poore , lendeth to the Lord . what huge summes of treasure are consumed in smoke within his Maiesties dominions , it would be found a matter sufficient to giue a yearely releefe to 2000. thousand poore people that doe now swarme in Cities , Townes , and Countries , crying out but for a peece of bread to those that will spend pounds in their stinking Tobacco , that will not giue two pence to those poore creatures that God himselfe hath recommended vnto vs to be comforted , cherished , and ●elecued .

But we haue locked vp our doores , and barred out mercy , and we haue set open the broad gate to let in ambitious pompe , excessiue pride , and needlesse ryot : how sparing we be in that which God hath commanded , to giue vnto the poore ? how prodigall againe in the seruice of the Diuell , to spend vpon Tobacco ? He that giueth to the poore , putteth out for a large interest : God himselfe stands bound as well for the vse as for the principall . And he that thus lendeth , is sure to be repayed , not with ten in the hundred , but with a hundred for ten . How happy is he then that is open-handed to giue to the poore ? It is a small substance , that cannot afford some pittance , if it be but a mite , and he that can finde out a penny for a pipe of Tobacco , might finde out some modicum to giue vnto the poore : and thrice accursed is that outward brauery , that is not accompanied with some inward pitty : and he which spendeth all in Tobacco shall keepe nothing but rottennesse and smoake for his money .

I would be loath now to shew my selfe ingratefull , to forget the place wherein I haue had so long residence , I meane the Realme of Ireland , from whence I learned first to giue the Hubbub , & where I hope I shall find some assistance that will helpe to raise the cry , some vpon cause of merriment , some vpon cause of greife , some that will laugh full merrily , some that will weepe as bitterly , some perhaps that may weepe Irish , but some againe that will weepe good English .

Amongst many occasions whereby the Hubbub is raised in Ireland , there is not any one more inducing at this present then that of Pride , Of Pride . that within this sixteene or twenty yeeres is crept into Ireland , and growne into that excesse , that the Hubbub thereby is arreared , and that as well in mourning as in mirth . There is not a people vnder the face of Heauen , that be of a more haughty & proud spirit then are the Irish : The Irish are naturally proud . proud mindes they haue euer had , but for any pride in their apparell , they neuer knew what it meant , till they learnt it from the English . It was a great dainties within these very few yeeres , euen amongst their greatest Nobilitie , to see a cloake lined thorow with Veluet , they were not acquainted with any great store of Sattin suites , they did not glister in gold and siluer lace , they were not acquainted with a paire of silke stockings , they had no Veluet Saddles , nor the greatest number of them so much as a paire of bootes to draw on when they were to ride . For their Ladies and Gentlewomen ( euen those that were of the most great and honourable houses ) they little knew what belonged to this frizling , and this curling of haire : These be euery Chambermaids attire , and odicus in the sight of all modest & honest women . and for this lowsie commoditie of perywigs , they were not knowne to the Ladies of Ireland , they were not acquainted with these curling sticks , setting sticks , smoothing yrons , they knew not what to make of a Picadilly , they neither vsed pouldring nor painting stuffe , they knew not what a Coach meant , nor scarse a side saddle , till they learnt them from the English : The onely pride of the Irish was in hospitality and good-house-keeping , in spending amongst their fellowes , and giuing entertainment . He that was a Countryman ( euen of the meanest sort ) would haue beene ashamed to sell either corne , cattell , or any manner of victuall , When Pride came vp staires , Hospitality ran out at window . but to spend it in his house . Of all imputations , they could not indure to be reputed for churles , they thought it a greater defamation to be called a Churle , then to be called a Traytor .

But it is our English brauery , that hath eaten vp our Irelands hospitality ; for Pride and Hospitality could neuer yet dwell together vnder one roofe . It is Pride that hath expelled Charity , it hath conuerted our frugalitie into misery , our plenty into penury : they haue learned of the English , to breake vp house-keeping , to racke their rents , to oppresse their Tenants , and all to maintaine pride .

If I should speake of the enormitie in a particular manner , that within this sixteene or twenty yeeres hath bin hatched vp in Ireland together with this pride , my wits would not serue me to set them downe as they deserue ; I will therefore imitate the Painter , that was to figure forth the picture of the sorrowfull Agamemnon , who wanting skill to expresse the dolorous aspect of his heauy countenance , drew a vaile ouer his face , leauing it to the discretion of the beholder , to conceiue by imagination of that greefe , which himselfe was not able with his pensill to manifest .

We haue for these many yeeres , by a most gracious gouernment , inioyed the fruits of a most happy & quiet peace : but according to an old obseruation , Peace brings plenty , Plenty brings pride , and Pride in the end is it that brings in penury .

I will now a litle accompany the Irish to giue the Hubbub with them that do merrily laugh , to see some women that are but lately dropt out of an Ale-house ; some that are but new crept out of a Laundry ; and some that were scarse able to pay for the hyre of a Carriers horse , to bring them from London to Chester , that are now pranked vp in that pomp , in that pride , in that brauery , and do take that state vpon them , that we are not able to know those Ladies & Gentlewomen , neither English nor Irish that are of honorable estate , both by birth and calling , from these proud and new vpstart changelings , that neuer knew what Gentry ment , neither themselues , nor their mothers before them : we cannot know the worthy from the vnworthy , the woman of vndetected life , from hir that hath bin tainted : the best marke is , she that by birth was most base , will shew her selfe to be most proud ; and she that hath greatest cause to blush , will shew her selfe be most bold and presumptuous ; he that hath but one eye may see this , it is visible to euery vnderstanding .

They be these that haue filled Ireland so full of new fashions , by their strange alterations in their Ruffes , in their Cuffs , in their huffes , in their puffes , in their muffes , and in many other vanities , that Ireland was neuer acquainted withall , till these women brought them vp .

Hee that should haue come to a Lady in Ireland , but some fiue or six yeeres sithence , and haue asked her if shee would haue had a Shaparowne , shee would haue thought he had spoken bawdy , and would haue wondred what hee had meant .

They are now conuersant to euery Chamber-maide , and shee that came but lately out of a kitchin , if her Husband doth beare an office ( how meane soeuer ) if she be not suted in hir Shaparowne , in hir loose hanging gowne , in hir peticoates of sattin , yea and of veluet , that must be garded with siluer or gold lace , from the knee downe to the foote , her Husband may happen to heare of it , and ( peraduenture ) to fare the worse till she be prouided : for at euery meale shee will giue him so many pout-pasties , and carpe pies , that shee will make him weary of his life .

The Peacocke when he marcheth in his maiesty , setting vp his glorious taile to behold his owne beauty , yet in his greatest pride and presumption , when hee beholdeth his blacke feete , he plucketh downe his plumes with shame and disgrace : but our Ladies and Gentlewomen haue well enough prouided that their blacke feete shall neuer offend them , and therefore they doe weare shooes of all manner of colours : yet when they be in their greatest prime of pride , if they would but looke backe into their own pedigree , they would come tumbling downe with Icarus , from the height of their presumption .

But his Maiestie full little knowes what harme he doth to poore women , when he makes them Ladies : Alas for pitty , a woman is no sooner Ladified , but she hath lost the vse of hir legges for euer after ; she is presently become so lame and decrepit , that she cannot go to Church if she haue not a Coach : And then the good Knight her * * Sir Timothy Twirlepipe . Husband ( vpon meere loue and pitty ) either begges from the King , or proules from the Countrey , to helpe to maintaine his poore lame legg'd Lady . But I am glad yet that I haue some good newes to impart amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen of Ireland , and they shall haue them , as I heard them , be they true or false , and thus they follow .

There was now lately , and now but very lately , amongst some other warlike prouisions that were sent out of England into Ireland for his Maiesties store , there passed alongst the streets of Dublyn towards the Castle , three carts together laden only with shouels and spades , which a yong Gentleman espying , called to another that was likewise standing fast by , & demanded of him , to what vse so many shouels & spades might be imployed , which he thought were enough , if they meant to digge an high way downe to Hell : Nay ( said the other ) there is another maner of imployment for them then you speak of ; for it is intended there shall be a faire Coach-way made to Heauen , that is now so ouer-growne & choked vp , that there hath not a Coach passed that way , since Eliah rode thither in his fiery Chariot , but now there is some hope the way will be mended . I thought the iest somewhat profane , yet the newes would be a great ease for Ladies and Gentlewomen , that are growne so lame , that they cannot trauell on foot , that so they might go to Heauen as easily as they do vse to ride to Church .

I might speake of some other vices , the rather exceeding amongst the Irish , by the ill example of the English : And although the Irish haue vices enow of their owne , they need no incouragement to sin , yet Ireland for these many yeares hath bin the receptacle for our English ronnagates , that for their mis-led liues in England , do come running ouer into Ireland , some for murther , some for theft , some that haue spent themselues in ryot & excesse , are driuen ouer for debt , some come running ouer with other mens goods , some with other mens wines , but a great number now lately , that are more hurtfull then all the rest , and those be Recusants .

And for people that be of these dispositions , Ireland hath little need to be supplied from any place , that is so well replenished with it owne store , that it is better able to lend to others , then needfull to borrow of any . But amongst these gracelesse men , there haue bin as vngracious and wicked women , that when by their misled liues , they haue infamed and made themselues so notorious , that they were become odious to all honest company in England , haue then transported themselues into Ireland , where they haue so insinuated themselues amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen , and not so much with the Irish , but most especially with the English , and that amongst our gayest Ladies , by whom they were so entertained , graced , and countenanced , that those women that had liued before in good name and fame , and finding themselues to be but slightly regarded , thought it more wisdom to forget their former modestie , and for companies sake to follow the fashion .

If I should now speake of the periury of Ireland , they would goe neere to giue me the Hubbub , and to laugh heartily at me , that would seeme to find a fault at that , which they doe account to be neither sinne nor shame . And to speake truely , what account should they make of an oath , that haue so many Massing Preists at hand , that will dispense with more oathes in one houre , then a man is able to sweare in a whole afternoone .

Periury , old Ale , and Aqua-vitae , are three commodities that be of great antiquitie in Ireland , but especially amongst the multitude of those that they call Catholikes : for Periury and Popery are so linked and consorted together , that they are as kinde , and as neere allied as Drunkennesse and Lechery , the one cannot stand without the assistance of the other , they be Coadiutors , not to be separated . A damnable Religion this Popery , that still cryes out , Sweare , forsweare , hold no faith , What filthy forsworne Rascall will not be a Papist , that what euer sinne he doth may be forgiuen ? keep no promise , play the Traitor , eat vp thy God , murder thy King , kill , stab , poyson , massacre , burne , torture , torment , saw in sunder , blow vp with Gunpowder : what act so villanous , so diuelish , or so damnable , that a Papist will not enterprise in the seruice of his Pope ? But our poore Papists of Ireland , haue learned the Colliers Faith , that being examined of his beleefe , answered still , That he beleeued as the Church beleeued , that could not say truely that the Church was , nor knew not any one Article that is beleeued . So they say they beleeue at their Fathers beleeued before them ; now what beleefe that is I will speake truely : They beleeue the whole story of the Bible , they beleeue that Christ was the Sonne of God , that he was borne of the Virgin Mary , they beleeue all the miracles whilst he was vpon earth , they beleeue that he was crucified vpon the Crosse , & they beleeue the whole story both of the old and new Testaments ; but they doe not beleeue that all Christ did and suffered , was enough for their saluation , but that they must merit that by their owne good workes , by going on pilgrimage , by praying to Saints , and when they are dead by suffering in Purgatory . They doe not beleeue that Christ who came of purpose to saue the world , did perfect the worke he came for , but that he left it to a Massing Preist , to finish that which he himselfe had but begun .

So the Papists haue a story Faith , but they haue no sauing Faith , nor no beleefe to do them good : that which the Apostle hath protested to be the doctrine of Diuels , 1 Tim. 4. that they imbrace for the doctrine of Faith ; we maintaine nothing , but what the Scriptures plainely approue , the Popes thred bare assertion is enough for a Papist .

If we alledge Scriptures , they quarrell aswell with the Translation , as with the Interpretation : if we alledge Councels , they aske if the Pope haue allowed them : if we alledge Fathers , if they speake against the Pope , they reiect them : but alledge the Popes determinations ( though neuer so much repugnant to the truth ) there they sticke like resty Iades , they will not be drawne out of that durty puddle : the summe of their Religion consisteth in the trash of vnwritten verities , and the whole dependencie of their Faith , in this onely principle , That the Pope cannot erre .

Vnder the pretence of Peters keyes , the Pope brings in pick-locks , and leauing to enter by Christ that is the doore , he giues his Popelings scaling ladders , Bulls of Scala Coeli , to scale the walls of Heauen , and like a company of theeues , to breake in at by-corners , and not to enter by the doore . Our Popelings of Ireland will needs protest themselues to be the Kings louing Scyp-iacks ( Subiects I should say ) but to speak the truth , they are more liker Scyp-iacks then Subiects , that do entertaine and receiue into their houses , Preists , Fryers , Iesuites , and such other of the Popes vermine , that are well knowne to be the Kings vowed and protested enemies : do they not manifest themselues to be reconciled to the Pope , that will obstinately impugne his Maiesties Lawes ? that will not submit with Christ to giue Caesar his due ? they may sometimes in publique shew pray for the King , but they are priuily plotting and working for their Pope .

Well Vertue , I would thou couldest now and then be a little cholerick , and not to suffer thy clemency to be wronged more then enough , and for these dissembling hypocrites that do presume too farre , if thou canst not win their hearts , it were good thou wouldst rule their tongues .

Although I haue thus spoken of Ireland in generall , yet Ireland is as al other Countries be , good people amongst the bad , and his Maiesty hath as louing and as good Subiects of the Irish , as any he hath in England , or else-where : Now among these that be good , if there be a number that be hollow hearted , it is no maruell : for neuer shall Christian Princes haue loyall Subiects , where Massing Preists are suffered to lurke in their Dominions : And in Ireland our Women Catholikes ( for want of Apricocks ) do preserue Preists , Friers , and Iesuites , and keep them in their Closets .

The wiues they for the Popes Cockerels are well enough knowne to be of an excellent straine for breed , where they be well cherished , and much made of . A massing Preist is such a medicine in a mans house that hath a child-bearing woman to his wife , that where they be retained to lye lydgers , it is ten pound to ten pence oddes , that the good Wife , or Lady , or Gentlewoman ( or whatsoere she be ) will proue fertile , her Husband shall want no heires . I will conclude with this caueat to my good freinds : He that will eat egges on Friday , he that will goe to Church on Sunday , he that will say his Pater-noster in English , he that will sing Dauids Psalms at a Sermon , he that will sweare to the Kings Supremacie , let him dwell where he will in any part of Ireland , he shall be sure to be ill neighboured .

I haue hitherto sported at the abuses of the time , and made my selfe merry with the follies of this Age. I might yet speake of many other vanities that deserue the Hubbub , and to be well laughed at ; but I will here stop and lay a straw , for I know all that I can either doe or say is to no purpose : I do but make the world mine enemy ; for he that speaketh against sinne in this age , either they mocke at him , or they thinke him madde : Euery Drunkard , euery Whoremaster , euery Blasphemer , euery Tobacconist , euery Idolater , they are angry with him that doth reprooue them . O damnable world ! we dare not reprehend sinne , for offending of those that are but the very slaues of sinne . Wee doe liue as if there were no God , or at least , as if wee had no soules to saue , and wee are so lull'd asleepe in the cradle of security , that neither admonition or threatning will serue to awaken vs . Wee be like sicke persons that are brought so weake and feeble , that we can neither sauour nor disgest any thing that is good .

Vice which now aboundeth in the greatest measure , wee acknowledge in the least ; but the lesse it is thrust out , the more it eateth and festereth within . A gentle potion worketh but a weake effect in a strong body ; and it is with sinne as it is with sores , some cannot be cured without corasiues . He is but an vntidy Chyrurgian therefore , that will apply a gentle salue to a cankred sore . We are grown to the very height of all kind of impiety , and sinne is become to be so supreme , that it thinketh scorne to be reprehended .

But take this from mee , thou that art so farre spent , that thou liuest in voluptuous idlenesse , and hast no care of thy saluation , thou that cryest peace , peace , and hast God to bee thine enemie , that is the Author of peace , who hath proclaimed open warre against thy pride , against thy periury , against thy excesse , against thy vanity , against thy briberie , against thy couetousnes ; thou that art entred into a league with these and many other vices , and hast broken the truce that was betweene God and thee ; thou that hast no feeling of thy sinne , but that thou wilt still perseuer in thine abominations , thinke thy selfe to be depriued of grace , and take it for a signe that thy sinnes are ripe , and thy confusion is not farre off , but that Gods vengeance doth wait and attend thee with such plagues and punishments , as shall make thy hardned heart to tremble . Hee that hath not the feeling of his sinnes , must feele himselfe to bee a reprobate secluded from Grace and Mercy ; for amongst the manifold mercies of God , there is not a more singular mercy , then when hee makes vs to feele our owne faults , whereby we are drawne to repentance , and by repentance brought to mercy . Hee that hath not this feeling , shall feele the iudgements of God : for he that feeleth not his mercy , shall be sure to feele his iustice .

And doest not thou tremble to thinke of his vengeance ? Hee that can wrap vp the heauens like a parchment scowle : he that can make the clowds raine downe plagues : hee that can make vs to refraine our meat , our drinke , our sleepe : he that hath the Heauens , the Earth , the Elements , and all to fight vnder his Banner , is hee not to bee feared ? hath hee not plagues in store ( thinkest thou ) and not onely to afflict thee in this world , but in the world to come , to adde the encrease of an endlesse and euerlasting woe ?

I thinke of my conscience , our Gallants of this age are growne into that humor , they thinke it time enough to hearken vnto God when their climactericall yeere is past ; but if neither the admonitions that are daily giuen vs by godly Preachers , the threatnings denounced against sinne by the holy Scriptures , the loue of God , the feare the Diuell , the ioyes of Heauen , the paines of Hell ; if none of these can mooue vs to repentance , giue the Diuell his due , for he hath done his deuoure , he hath brought the world to a good passe , he may now sit downe and rest him , and hee may crie with the Angler : Hold hooke and line , and all is mine .