Doctor Merrie-man, or, Nothing but mirth written by S.R.

Doctor Merry-man , or , Nothing but Mirth . A Citizen for recreation sake , To see the Country would a iourney take , Some dozen Mile , or very little more ; Taking his leaue with friends , two months before With drinking health's , and shaking by the hand , As he had trauail'd to some new-found land . Well , taking Horse with very much adoe , London he leaueth for a day or two ; And as he rideth , meetes vpon the way Such , as ( what haste soeuer ) bid men stay : Sirrah sayes one , stand , and your Purse deliuer ; I am a taker , thou must be a giuer . Vnto a Wood hard by , they hale him in , And riffle him vnto his very skin . Maisters ( quoth he ) pray heare mee ere you go , For you haue rob'd more now then you do know : My Horse in troth I borrow'd of my Brother , The Bridle and the Saddle of another : The Ierkin and the Bases be a Taylours , The Scarfe ( I do assure you ) is a Saylours : The falling Band is likewise none of mine , Nor Cuffes as true as this good light doth shine : The Sattin Doublet and Rays'd-veluet Hose Are our Church-wardens ( all the Parish knowes ) The Bootes are Iohn the Grocers at the Swan , The Spurres were lent me by a Seruing-man : One of my Rings ( that with the great red stone ) A Mony-monger choyce of Suerties had , A Country-fellow , plaine in Russet clad ; His Doublet Mutton-taffaty , Sheeps skins , His Sleeues at hand button'd with two good pins , Vpon his head a filthy greazie Hat That had a hole ( eate thorow by some Rat ) A Leather Pouch , that with a Snap-haunce shut , Two hundred Hob-nayles in his Shooes were put : The Stockings that his clownish Legges did fit , Were Kersie to the calfe , and t'other knit : And at a word , th' apparell that he wore , Was not worth Twelue-pence , sold at , Who giues more ? The other Suertie , of an other stuffe , All Silke and Veluet , in his double Ruffe , Made Lawne and Cambricke , both such common ware ; His duble set , had Falling-band to spare . , His fashion new , with last edition stood , His Rapier hilts embrew'd in Golden blood : And these same trappings made him seeme one sound , To passe his credit for a Hundred pound : So was accepted , Russet-coate denay'd : But when time came the Money should be pay'd , And Mounsieur Vsurer did haunt him out , Strange alteration strooke his heart in doubt : For in the Counter he was gone to dwell , And Brokers had his painted Cloaths to sell : The Vsurer then further vnderstands , The Clowne refus'd , was rich ▪ and had good lands ; Ready through rage to hange himselfe , he swore , That Silken knaues should cozen him no more . A Wealthy Misers Sonne , vpon the way , Met a poore Youth , that did intreat and pray Some-thing of Charitie in his distresse ; Helpe sir ( quoth hee ) one that is Fatherlesse . Sirrah ( sayd hee ) away : be gone with speed ; I le helpe none such ; thou art a Knaue in deed . Dost thou complaine , because thou want'st a Father ? Were it my case , I would reioyce the rather : For if thy Fathers death , cause thee repine , I would my Father had excused thine . A Country fellow had a Dreame , Which did his minde amaze , That starting vp , he wakes his wife , And thus to her he sayes . Oh Woman rise , and helpe our Goose , For euen the best we haue , Is presently at poynt to die , Vnlesse her life you saue ; On either side of her I see A hungry Foxe doth sit , But staying , vpon curtesie Who shall begin first bit . Husband ( quoth she ) if this be all , I can your Dreame expound , The perfect meaning of the same I instantly haue found . The Goose betweene two Foxes plac't , Which in your sleepe you saw , Is you your selfe that prooue a Goose , In going still to law . On eyther side a Lawyer comes , And they doe feathers pull , That in the end , you will be left A bare and naked Gull . Wife , in good troth ( quoth he ) I thinke , Thou art iust in the right , My Purse can witnesse to my griefe , They doe begin to bite : I doe resolue an other course , And much commend thy wit ; I le leaue the Gooses part for them That haue a minde to it : And if thou euer finde that I To lawing humors fall , Let mee be hang'd at Westminster , ( Wife ) I le for-sweare the Hall . AN idle fellow that would take no paine , Looking that others should his state maintaine , Was sharpe reproou'd by an honest friend , Who told him , Man was made to other end Then onely eate , and drinke , and sleepe , and play . To whom the lazie creature thus did say ; ( Sir ) I doe nere intende to labour much , Because I see the bad reward of such As take most paynes : Horses that labour great , Are cast in ditches for the Dogges to eate . A Craftie kind of knauish foole , Where of there plentie bee , Did breake his Mistris looking-Glasse . And swore it was not hee : His Maister did examine him , Demaunding who it was , ( Sir ) if you le be content ( quoth he ) I le tell who broke the Glasse . With that , he brought him in the Hall , To Fortunes Picture there , Saying , Sir , t' was Fortune did the de●d , She ought the blame to beare . His Maister tooke a Cudgell , And belabour'd him withall , Who crying out for mercie , downe Before his feete did fall . Nay ( quoth his Maister ) t is not I , To Fourtune you must speake , For euen she that cudgels you , The Glasse before did breake . A Sort of Clownes for losse which they sustain'd By Souldiers , to the Captaine sore complain'd , With dolefull words , and very wofull faces , They mou'd him to compassionate their cases . Good Sir ( sayes one ) I pray redresse our wrong , They that haue done it , vnto you belong : Of all that ere we had , we are bereft , Except our very Shirts , nothing is left . The Captaine answer'd thus ; Fellowes heare mee : My Souldiers rob'd you not , I plainely see : At your first speach you made me somwhat sad , But your last words resolude the doubt I had : The greatest Monarch that on earth we finde , Puts off to mee : Mower you come behinde . Th' other reply'd , Barber in vaine you iarre , I haue a priuiledge exceeds you farre ; For when by mee , the Grasse with Sieth is shorne , Or that my Sickle cutteth downe the Corne , Vpon the stumps I boldly can vntrusse : What Barber on his worke , that dare doe thus ? AN humorous phantastick Asse , Whose Wit and Wealth were spent , Did in all companies he came Boast of his great discent . And all the Gentlemen he knew , Vnto his blood were base : For he could prooue from Noes great Flood , His stocke of royall rase . Pray Sir ( quoth one ) take no more paynes In this same worthy thing , For it is most apparant plaine , From what old House you spring . You may iust prooue your Pedigree From Noah to this hower : Your Ancestors good Masons were , That wrought on Babell Tower . And were I as your Worship is , In spight of Bricklayers hall , I would giue Trowell in mine Armes , A Ladder , Tray , and all . GEntlemen that approch about my stall , To most rare Phisicke I inuite you all ; Come neere and harken what I haue to sell , And deale with me all those that are not well . In this Boxe heere , I haue such precious stuffe , To giue it prayse , I haue not words enough : If any Humour in your Braines be crept , I le fetch it out , as if your Heads were swept . Almost through Europe I haue showne my face , In euery Towne and euery Market place ; Behold this Salue ; I doe not vse to lye , Whole Hospitals , there haue bin curde thereby . I doe not stand heere , like a tatter'd slaue , My Veluet and my Chaine of Gold I haue : Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes : Friends , all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes . There standes my Coach and Horses , t' is mine owne ; From hence to Turkie is my credit knowne : In few I cannot boast as many will ; Let nothing speake for me but onely skill . See you that thing , like Ginger-bread lies there ? My tongue cannot expresse to any eare The sundry vertues that it doth containe , Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine . If in your bellies there be Crawlers bred In multitudes , like Haires vpon your head : Within some houre space , or thereabout , At all the holes you haue , I le fetch them out , And ferret them before that I haue done , Euen like the Hare that foorth a bush doth run . Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye , This for the Stomacke : Maisters will you buy ? When I am gone , you will repent too late , And then , like fooles , among your selues will prate , Oh that we had that famous Man againe , When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine : Now for a Stoter , you a Box may haue , That will the liues of halfe a dozen saue . My Man is come , and in mine eare he sayes , At home for me , at least are hundred stayes ; All Gentlemen , wet for your good you see , I make them tarry and attend for mee : Yf that you haue no Money , let me know , Phisicke of almes , vpon you lie bestow . What Doctor in the world can offer more ? Such arrant Clownes I neuer knew before ? Here you do stand like Owles and gaze on mee , But not a penny from you I can see . A man shall come to do such dunces good , And can not hare his meaning vnderstood , To talke to sencelesse people is in vaine , I le see you hangd ere I come heere againe : Be all Diseas'd as bad as Horses be , And die in Ditches like to Dogges forme : An old Wiues Medicine , Parsely , Time , and Sage , Will serue such Buzzards in this scuruy age : Goose-greafe and Fenell , with a few Dog-dates , Is excellent for such base lowzy mates : Farewell , some Hempton Haulter be the charme , To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme . ONe came to court a Wench which was precise , And by the spirit did the flesh dispise , Moouing a secret match betweene them two ; But she in sooth and sadnesse would not doe . He did reply , so sweete a faire as shee , Made of the stuffe as all fraile women bee ; Ought by the law of Nature to be kinde , And shew her selfe to heare a womans minde . Well Sir ( quoth she ) you men do much preuail● With cunning speeches and a pleasing tale ; T is but a folly to be ouer nice , You shall : but twentie shillings is my price : Abrace of Angels if you will bestow , Come such a time , and I am for you , so . Well , he tooke leaue , and with Her husband met , Told him by bond be was to pay a debt : Intreating him to do so good a deed , As lend him twentie shillings at his need ▪ . Which very kind he present did extend , And th' other willing on his Wife did spend : So taking leaue with her , he goes his wayes ▪ Meeting his Creditor within few dayes , And told him , Sir , I was at home to pay The twentie shillinges which you lent last day : And with your wife ( because you were not their ) I left it pray you with my holdnesse beare . T is well ( quoth he ) I am glad I did you pleasure , So comming home , questions his Wife a Measure : I pray sweete heart , was such a man with thee ▪ To pay two Angels , which he had of mee ▪ She blush't , and sayd ; hee hath been 〈…〉ed in deed , But you did ill to ▪ lend ; Husband take heed : The falshood of the world you doe not spie , It is not good to trust before we try : Pray lend no more , for it may breed much strife , To haue such Knaues come home to pay your Wife . A Crew of Foxes , all on theeuing set , Togeather at a Countrie Hen-roost met , Where the poore Poultrie went to greeuous wrack ; For there they feasted till their guts did crack , Hauing well sup't , ready to goe away , Without demaunding what they had to pay ; Sayes one vnto the rest : Friens harke vnto mee , Le ts poynt where our next meeting place shall bee . With a good-will sayes one aboue the rest , At such a Farmers house , his Lambs be best . Nay ( quoth another ) I doe know a Clowne , Hath euen the fattest Geese in all the Towne : Well Maisters , sayd a graue and auncient Fox , Had bin the death of many Hens and Cox , The surest place to meete , that I can tell , Will be the Skinners shop : and so farewell . A Shepheard that a carefull eye did keepe , Vnto the safetie of his grazing Sheepe ; Perceiu'd a Wolfe through the hedge to prie: Sirrah ( quoth he ) pray , what make you so nie ? Why ( sayd the Wolfe ) thou seest I doe no ill , Thy Flocks are farre enough vpon the hill . What Iustice now a dayes these people lacks ? The Crowes ride boldly on thy Cattels backs , And not a word thou sayst to them at all ; Yet but for looking on , with me dost braule . The Prouerb 's true , for now I finde it well , Which once I heard an auncient old Wolfe tell : He that vpon a bad ill name doth light , Is euen halfe hang'd , as good be hang'd out-right ; And I my selfe by proofe can now alledge , Some better steale , then some looke ore the hedge . THe Diuell did complaine he was not well , And would goe take some Phisicke out of Hell : To England , France , and Spaine , with speed he got , Where all refusde him , he did burne so hot . In haste he then to Germanie did hie , The cunning of a Quack-salu●r to trie ; Where in a market place , vpon a Stage , He found a fellow could all griefes asswage . Doctor ( quoth he ) I want some of thy skill , For I do finde I am exceeding ill : And any thing for ease I will endure ; What , wilt thou vndertake my paine to cure ? If thou canst ease the maladie I haue , Thou shalt haue Gold , euen what thy selfe wilt craue . Gentleman ( sayd this Doctor to the Diuell ) Vpon my life , I le rid you of your euill ; Make vnto me those griefes you haue but knowne , And with the curing them , let mee alone . Why Sir ( uoth he ) my Head with Hornes doth ake , My Braines doth Brimstone-like Tobacco take ; My Eyes are full of euer-burning Fire , My Tongue a drop of Water doth desire ; About my Heart doth crawling Serpents cre●pe , And I can neither eate , nor drinke , nor sleepe : There 's no Diseases whatsoere they bee , But I haue all of them imposde on mee . All torments that the tongue of man can name , Within , without , in a continuall flame . Quoth the Quack-saluer , Sir , I le vndertake A sound man of you in a month to make : Wilt please your Worship , shew me where you dwell ? Marry ( quoth he ) my Chamber is in Hell : Thy charges in the iourney I will beare , And I le preferre thee to the Diuell there . With speed get vp , I le take thee on my backe . The World may spare you , and in Hell we lacke . A Bishop met two Priests vpon the way , And did salute them with the time of day : Good-morrow Clarks , vnto you both ( quoth he . ) Sir ( they repli'd ) no Clarkes , but Priestes are we . Why ( sayd the Bishop ) then I will consent Vnto the title of your owne content : Since you denie to carry Schollers markes , Good-morrow to you Priestes ( that are no Clarkes : ) ONe climbing of a Tree , by hap Fell downe and brake his Arme , And did complaine vnto a friend Of his vnluckie harme . Would I had counsel'd you before ( Quoth he ) to whom he spake ; I know a tricke for Climbers , That they neuer hurt shall take . Neighbour ( sayd he ) I haue a Sonne , And he doth vse to climbe , Pray let me know that same for him , Against another time . Why thus ( quoth he ) let any man That liues , climbe nere so hie : And make no more haste downe , then vp , No harme can come thereby . AN aged Gentleman , sore sicke did lie , Expecting life , that could not chuse but die : His Foole came to him , and intrateth this ? Good Maister ere you goe away from vs , Bestow on Iacke ( that oft hath made you laugh ) Against he waxeth old , your walking-Staffe . I will ( quoth he ) goe take it , there it is ; But on condition Iacke , which shall be this : If thou doe meete with any while thou liue , More Foole then thou , the Staffe thou shalt him giue . Maister ( sayd he ) vpon my life I will , But I do hope that I shall keepe it still . When Death drew neare , and faintnesse did proceed , His Maister cals for a Diuine with speed , For to prepare him vnto Heauens way . The Foole starts vp , and hastily did say : Oh Maister , Maister , take your Staffe againe , That prooue your selfe the most Foole of vs twaine : Haue you liu'd now , some fourescore yeares and odde , And all this time , are vnprepar'd for God ▪ What greater Foole can any meete withall , Then one that 's ready in the Graue to fall , And is to seeke about his soules estate , When Death is op'ning of the prison-gate ? Beare witnesse friends , that I discharge me plaine ▪ Heere Maister , heere , receiue your Staffe againe : Vpon the same condition I did take it , According as you wil'd me , I forsake it . And ouer and aboue , I will bestow , This Epitaph , which shall your folly show . Heere lies a man , at death did heauen claime . But in his life , he neuer sought the same . A Simple Clowne in Flaunders , As he trauailing had bin , ( Hauing his Wife in company ) I haue my Seruing-men that waite Vpon mee in blew Coates : I haue my Oares that attend My pleasure , with their Boates : I haue my Champions that will fight , My Louers that do fawne : I haue my Hat , my Hood , my Maske , My Fanne , my Cobweb Lawne : To giue my Gloue vnto a Gull , Is mighty fauour found : When for the wearing of the same , It costs him twentie pound . My Garter as a gracious thing , Another takes away : And for the same a silken Gowne , The Prodigall doth pay . Then comes an Asse , and he forsooth Is in such longing heate , My Busk-poynt euen on his knees , With teares he doth intreat : I graunt it , to reioyce the man , And then request a thing ; Which is both Gold and precious stone , The Wood-cocks Diamond Ring . Another lowly minded youth , Forsooth my Shooe-string craues , And that he putteth through his eare , Calling the rest , bace slaues . Thus fit I Fooles in humours still , That come to me for game , I punish them for Venerte , Leauing their Purses lame . In New-gate some take lodging vp . Till they to Tiburne ride : And others walke to Wood-street , With a Sargeant by their side . Some goe to Houns-ditch with their Cloaths To pawne for mony lending : And some I sende to Surgeons shops , Because they lacke somemending . Others passe ragged vp and downe , All tatter'd , rent , and torne ; But being in that scuruy case , Their companies I scorne . For if they come and fawne on mee ; There 's nothing to be got ; As soone as ere my Merchants breake , I sweare , I know them not . No entertainment , nor a looke , That they shall get of mee : If once I doe begin perceiue That out of cash they bee , All kindnesses that I professe , The fayrest shewes I make , Is loue to all that come to mee For Gold and Siluers sake . To forward men , I forward am ; Most franke vnto the free : But such as take their wares on trust , Are not to deale with mee . The World is hard , all things are deare , Good-fellowship decayes : And euery one seekes profit now , In these same hungry dayes . Although my trade in secret bee , Vnlawfull to be knowne ; Yet I will make the best I can , Of that which is mine owne . For seeing I doe venture faire , At price of whipping cheere , I haue no reason but to make My Customers pay deere : Our charge beside , is very great To keepe vs fine and braue , A Whore that goes not gallantly , Shall little doinges haue . Therefore all things consider'd well , Our charges , and our danger : A dayly Friend shall pay as much As any Terme-time stranger . A Rich man and a poore did both appeare Before a Iudge , an iniurie to cleare : The Rich did tell a tale most tedious long , Mending ( as he suppos'd ) with words , the wrong : And euer when the Poore man would haue spoke , With bold out-facing speech he did him choke ▪ The wofull wight at length could beare no longer , But boldly rais'd his voyce both loud and stronger : My Lord ( quoth he ) pray now bid Diues stay , And heare but what poore Lazarus can say : My Oxe came in his field , which he doth keepe , And sweares for that , hee 'le pay me with a Sheepe . FINIS .