Good nevves and bad nevves. By S.R.

GOOD NEWES and BAD NEWES .

By S. R.

LONDON , Printed for Henry Bell , and are to be sold at his Shop within the Hospitall gate in Smith-field . 1622.

To the Reader . AS oftentimes as friend his friend doth meet , And with salute each other kindly greet , The second speech that commonly they vse Is to enquire straight , Pray what Good newes ? The eare for nouelties still harkens out After the tales which tongues doe spread about , And many a one most wicked doth deuise , To feed the world , with false deluding lies ; Because men are so apt for to inquire , And after rumours haue so great desire : But heer 's no imitation of such men , Good newes , and bad , presented by a pen , That to your view such humours doth present , As by the good you may the bad preuent : Heer 's choise and change of both sorts to be had ▪ Full of variety , Good newes , and Bad. S. R.

An Epigram , vpon a iest of Will Sommers . WILL SOMMERS , once vnto King Harry came , And in a serious shew himselfe did frame To goe to London , taking of his leaue , Stay William , ( quoth the King ) I doe perceiue You are in haste , but tell me your occasion , Let me preuaile thus , by a friends perswasion : Quoth he if thou wilt know , I le tell thee , Marry I goe to London for Court newes old Harry . Goest thither from the Court , to heare Court-Newes ? This is a tricke Sommers , that makes me muse ; Oh yes ( quoth William ) Citizens can show What s done in Court ere thou or I doe know . If an Embassador be comming ouer , Before he doe arriue and land at Douer , They know his Masters message and intent Ere thou canst tell the cause why he is sent . If of a Parliament they doe but heare , They know what lawes shall be enacted there : And therefore for a while , adue White-hall , Harry , I le bring thee newes home , lyes and all .

To Make-tale and Carry-tale . IT were good newes to any honest minde , That we could such a reformation finde Amongst our wandring wits and giddy braines , That they would cease their sottish idle vaines Of intermedling ( as they daily doe ) With things their calling hath no claime vnto . Grosse ignorance presumptuously will prate Of serious matters that concerne a State , Dull vnderstanding neuer heeds his owne , But other mens affaires , that must be knowne , Blockish-conceit , will boldly take in hand , That he Church gouernment doth vnderstand To want ( what he hath need of ) Reformation , And this is growne to such a gracelesse fashion , That we the common custome may forbeare Vs'd when men meet , What 's the good newes you heare ? And to another question may proceed , What lies abroad ? and then y' are sure to speed . You shall haue them by whole sale quickly vented , T' is wondrous strange how people are contented To haue themselues deluded in this sort , By euery flying fained false report ; How itching eares doe entertaine all stuffe , If it be named Newes t' is good enough . One saies a traueller ( a friend of his ) Is new come home , and he hath told him this . Another saies as he in Paules did walke , He heard the newes whereof two Knights did talke : Another he hath newes is very rare , And heard it sitting in a Barbers chaire : Another he is furnish't very strange , With newes new taken vp at the Exchange . And thus about from man to man it flies , Was neuer such an age for telling lies . Make-tale , and Carry-tale , a worke are set , Father of lies hath caught them in his net , They are his owne and he emploies them still , And so I leaue them to his cursed will . The good Newes and the Bad , that here is told , Both take foundation on a better hold , For when this booke is ouer read by you , I 'le lay the price , you will confesse t' is true .

Good Newes . A Wealthy Citizen that di'd of late , Did leaue his wife a very great estate , Sūm'd vp in Thousands to her hearts content : All sorts of suters to this widow went ; As Courtiers , Lawyers , Citizens , Diuines : But she vnto a Gallant Knight inclines , And would be Madam'd , Worship'd , Ladifide , And in the Leather-carted fashion ride . The match was made , the marriage consummate , Her Ladiship was grac'd , in pompe and state , With all content vnto her hearts desire , So brauely proud , that all her friends admire . Their old acquaintance quite aside was layd , Her worship highly scorn'd shop-keeping trade : Friends , kinsfolkes , neighbours , are inferiour all , She much disdaines , What lacke ye , at a stall .

Bad Newes . FIe vpon giddie Fortune , and her wheele , Vnconstant , and as slipperie as an Ecle : From Kitchin-maid , to Mistris she arose , From mistris vnto Madam , ●p she goes : And there a yeare or two ●●s Lady swagger , Then turnes about , and sends her downe to begger ▪ Her dearest Knight ( whom so she iust may call ) What with his debts , and what with Haue at all , Lay hidden like a sauage in his den , For feare of Bayliffes , Sergeants , Marshals men : And she doth on her Virginals complaine , I waile in woe , my Knight doth plunge in paine .

Good Newes . A Vsurer met late with a Diuine , At a friends house , where they together dine , And entring good discourse , the Preacher tooke Occasion to condemne out of Gods booke , The sinfull trade that money-mongers vse , Beginning with Gods Law vnto the Iewes ; And so throughout all ages , how the best Of holy men did vsurie detest : And that there neuer any Saint hath bin , Would venter soule vpon that wicked sin . The Vsurer that heard his zealous speech , Repented , and Gods mercy did beseech ; In his defence not knowing what to say , But free confest his heart had gone astray : And from that day would restitution make , And ten i' th Hundred vtterly forsake : To Hospitals most liberall he would giue , To pris'ners , that in miserie doe liue . Almes-houses for the poore he will haue made , And repaire Churches , ruinous decay'd : High wayes and bridges he would likewise mend , And bountifull beneuolence extend To schooles of learning , yea would thousands giue To pious vse , while he had time to liue . And so detesting damned vsury , Learne euery day vnto the world to die .

Bad Newes . AFter he did this godly motion chuse , He walking home , where sitting in a muse , His man comes in , and to him sadly spoke , Sir , he you sent me to this morning 's broke . Hee 's gone for Ireland the Neighbours say , And what he owes neuer intends to pay . Another of his seruants commeth in , And tels him as bad newes where he had bin : One that should pay fiue hundred pounds together ▪ Had taken Ludgate , and was new gone thither . Now out vpon them Villaines both , he said , Is this a world t' haue restitution made ? Giue vnto Hospitals that will for me , And tarry Knaues in prison where you be . Build Almes-houses , you that haue mind thereto , I with my coyne haue somewhat else to doe . Mend Bridges , you that ouer bridges goes , For you shal make no bridge ( friends ) of my nose . And for your Churches with decayed wall , Get Briefes and begge , or let your Churches fall . Mine owne's mine owne , vpon my selfe to spend ; I le trust to none , Gold 's my assured friend .

Good Newes . LAdy , thou shalt not lacke while I haue land , Money we will haue ready at command . The wealthy Citizen is my Casseere , The foole has mony , and I le sell him deare . How braue I sold the Farme a month agoe , Oh that I had good store to vtter so . This ready money giues a man content , For Tenants come but lingring in with Rent : When I for Hundreds haue a present vse , And aske to borrow , straight ther 's an excuse , I cannot sir , I haue it not to spare , It makes me scorne fellowes that are so bare : I le haue my purse with money furnish'd still , Sell Medow , pasture , arable , I will ; And so be ready for to make supply , Gentilities best ornaments to buy . Wee le haue a Coach , like Chariot of the Sunne , With hautie Horses , for our Iades be done . New Sutes for thee and I , at least some ten New Liueries for all our Seruing-men . And thus to credit Madam wee le ascend , That vulgar sort our worships may commend .

Bad Newes . SIr Nimble-touch makes his possessions flie , And on his ready money doth relie : Hee le be admir'd for brauery , out of hand , And where his father left him spacious land , A iourney to him , for to walke about , He by a nimble policy found out , To shorten tedious steps ore bridge and stile , And bring his land in compasse of a mile . A pretty walke to giue himselfe content , And saue much trouble in receiuing rent . But now his worship hath much charged bin With laying out , hauing no comming in , And finds most true what he before did say , That ready money euer will away . Now land is sold , and money gone in goods , He cals out , Andrew , I am in the suddes ; I had good tenements , I had faire land , But of that sute , others haue cleer'd my hand . And I am left A melancholy Knight , As Ploydon sayd , The case is alter'd quite : What remedy gainst Fortunes raging fits , But liue like other lacke-lands , by my wits ?

Good Newes . TWo canting rogues , that old consorts had bin , And cage , and stockes , met often kindly in : That had beene sharers long and many a day Of what they got vpon the common way , Did accidentall at an alehouse meet , And in this manner one another greet ; What Roger , well met rogue , old fellow begger , When did we two like boone companions swagger , As we haue done , thou knowst in youthfull prime , How doest thou thriue mad slaue this farthing time ? This copper age , what , come they roundly in ? Yes faith , the trade hath neuer better bin . Pence , and few giuers we had heretofore , But farthings now , and giuers there s good store , Men , Women , seruants , Children , all are able , I tell thee fellow , this is comfortable . There 's neuer a day that I abroad doe roame , But I bring copper like a Tinker home . Knocke for Tobacco , call for ale , hang sorrow , God blesse you Master , will bring more tomorrow .

Bad Newes . THus at their ale , and pipe of smoother sitting , And boasting each to other of their getting , Within short time they plyde the liquor so , As drunke as beggers both , they could not goe , And fell to quarrell of old matters done When they their begging partnership begun ; Thou cheat'st me once of twenty pence quoth one , Vnto thy conscience it is plainly knowne : I cheat ( quoth he ) thou lyest in thy throat , Thy company hath cost me many a groat : Thou canst not say that I haue cut a purse , Thou hast broke into houses , and done worse , Stolne sheets from hedges , broke vp doores by night And deseru'd hanging , if thou hadst thy right . With that together by the eares they fall , The Constable on tother side the wall Was drinking with a friend , and for aid knockes , To carry drunken beggers to the stockes ; From thence he sent them to another coast , And made their pasport from the whipping post .

Good Newes . A Shepheard sitting on a pleasant banke , In Summer Sun-shine where the grasse grew rancke , And natures paintments , red , and yellow , blew , With colours plenty round about him grew , Espide at sea a gallant ship did saile With calme , and mild , and fauourable gale . Oh ( quoth the shepheard ) what a pleasant thing , To see a vessell with a canuase wing Glide on the waters , fly vpon the flouds , And coast from place to place , with man and goods : I le be no longer land-man on this hill , But I le to sea , let him keepe sheepe that will . So selling all his cattell at good rates , Turnes marchant , fraughts a barke with figs and dates . Buyes pen-worths , better not in seuen yeare , And vnderstands where he may sell goods deare . So taking leaue with friends he vow'd and swore , He was a foole to stay so long a shore .

Bad Newes . IMagine now our shepheard 's vnder saile , Where raging stormes , and tempests so preuaile , The ship , with all the goods is cast away , And the young merchant begger'd in a day , Comes poorely home , from Neptunes raging deepe , And takes his trade againe , of keeping sheepe ; And sitting pensiue on the grassie shore , He spied a ship came sayling as before , In mild calme weather on a sunshine-day , Whereat he shooke his head , and thus did say , I once had wealth , and got an honest gaine , In my content of calling taking paine : My flocks did prosper , and my selfe did thriue , Till such a flattring show did make me striue To get sea fortunes , which I now repent , That had enough ▪ and could not liue content , But God blesse all Masters and Masters mates , And farewell ship , I le deale no more with Dates .

Good Newes . AN ancient bachelour did long forbeare Because of houshold charge he stood in feare ; And would not marry , till he heard of one Was stor'd with money , but of children none , Good huswife , and most sparing of her purse , She shoud be his , For better , and for worse . Thus looking out , and searching with a care , To haue a wealthy match vnto his share , At length vpon a wench he chaunc'd to light , Childlesse , and rich , vnto his humour right , As greedy as himselfe being wholly bent , And heer 's a match vnto his hearts content : He doth reioyce and boast amongst his friends , That his good fortunes to such height extends , For such a compleat wife , from head to foot , He would not change for thousands giuen to boot . And thus with ioy he doth imbrace his Bride , Holding himselfe risen vpon right side , That he had grace so luckily to chuse , Oh Ioyfull happy admirable newes . You bachelors , beware take heed ( he said ) Let no young man run rashly on a mayd : Thei 'r proud and poore , and must be long a wooing , Then proue bad huswiues to a mans vndoing . But take a widow to augment thy state , That hath good leases , houshold stuffe and plate , Gold , linnen , woollen , pewter , and good brasse , And welcome widow , Tut a maydes an asse .

Bad Newes . THe bachelor , ( after his wooing paines ) Maries the widow with her golden gaines , And liue together louing man and wife , Some fortnight after ere they fell to strife . But two weekes past grew such a stormy shower , He neuer saw calme weather till this hower . His name of Iohn is turned into backe , She tels him , that her mony cloathes his backe : And that he was a needy rascall knaue , And she hath made a man of such a slaue . Her words ( last weeke ) of loue , sweet hart , and ioy , Are turn'd to villain , rogue , and beardlesse boy , And tells him further that it is her shame , That she hath grac'd him with a husbands name , Being vnworthy wretch to wipe her shooes : Friends this is bad , and yet we haue worse newes ; For t is too true ( as all the neighbours knows ) From rayling words she fals to swaggring blowes , And scratcht his face , in fury broke his head , Yea in her choler kickt him out of bed . He shall not walke before her in the streets , Nor meet with her betweene a paire of sheets . She is his better , many a degree , And vowes her best bags he shall neuer see . Heer 's a braue match for mony , is it not ? This bachelor hath a rich widow got . But he doth wish , in griefe and anguish pang'd , That he were buried , or his wife were hang'd . And now a maid , as poore as poore may be , Is worth ten thousand widowes , such as she .

Good Newes . WHen countrey Nanne , the milkemaid-lasses left , Shee came to London very neat and deft , To seeke preferment , and her fortunes raise , Being indeed ( as all the parish saies ) A handsome wench and likely to doe well , If with a London Mistris she might dwell , Euen according to her hearts content Into a right good seruice Annis went : As good a Mistris as she could desire , And as good wages as she did require . After she two yeares kitchin mayd had seru'd , So well by her good cariage she deseru'd , That to be chamber maid she did ascend , And therewithall her wages much did mend , Now like a Gentlewoman she doth goe , And countrey maids admire to see her so , Telling their friends , with all the speed they can , They will be Londoners like Mistresse Anne .

Bad Newes . HEigh ho , bad newes as euer came to towne , From London to the countreys caried downe ; Alas poore wench , a scuruy seruing man Has ( out vpon him ) bin with countrey Nan , And giuen her such a knauish ouerthrow , She is as bigge as euer she can goe : The case is alter'd , 't will no more be said , There goes the kitchin or the chamber maid ; But this is she changed ( the world knowes how ) From maid that was to be a seruant now . And that same wicked fellow that did this , Doth vow and sweare the Childe is none of his , But sets it light , and makes thereof a scoff , And thinkes in Knauery thus to bob her off : But hee le be talkt withall ere one moneth ends , For the poore wench hath sent for all her friends , And then it will be proued plaine , at lagre That hee s the man must beare the Nursing charge . Since Nans Virginity past help is lost , They 'l teach him what a maidenhead will cost , What law will doe he shall be sure to finde , Because he beares such basenesse in his minde . Meane while , be it a daughter or a sonne , No remedy , it is so lately done . Nans Master and her Mistresse both abhor it , But what sayes she ? They cannot hang her for it .

Good Newes . GOod newes is come for Goodman Groutnols sonne , His wretched father with the world hath done : Dead as a dog that lieth in a ditch . And now the youth meanes to goe thorough stitch , And be a gallant in his golden daies , His father was a simple man he saies : For though he gather'd store of worldly pelfe , Why yet he did not vnderstand himselfe , He was for profit euermore prepar'd , But for Gentility he neuer car'd . A plaine blunt fellow still a plodding an , But Christopher will be another man . He will not haue his armes a moneth to seeke , For he hath beene with Heraulds but last weeke , And will haue something for himselfe to shew , Although it be a Cuckoe or a Crow : Nay , and perhaps ( if all things fall out right ) He may before he goes to graue , turne Knight , But he will make no boasting , let that rest , Kit will be euer Iouiall as the best ▪ His father was a good old man he saies , And for his death , he giues God heartie praise .

Bad Newes . NOw for the citie is young Groutnoll bound , Where humors for to grace him may be found : Fr●st he must learne to dance , and dance he will , Then to the noble science for some skill , If any roaring boy should chance to swagger , And challenge him at rapier and at dagger , In Tauernes then his credit must appeate , Where still his purse doth all the reckoning cleare , Dinners and suppers , drunken healths to any , He doth discharge the bils vnto a pennie , To sharkes , that are his daily feasting friends He giues , maintaines , and what they 'le borrow lends Falls in with cheaters that can cog a Die , And still his open purse lets money flie : And thus he reuels it still spending on , As if he were in haste , to see all gon , Which by his lauish hand , being brought to passe , His consorts censure him an idle asse , A gull that suffer'd all men to deceaue him , And so vnto the Counter-hole they leaue him .

Good Newes . FRiends I protest by my Gentilitie , Your Citie 's full of rare ciuilitie : Where I haue beene most brauely vs'd of late , By worthy citizens , as I 'le relate : Since my arriuall out of forraine parts , In measure , farre beyond my poore desarts , I cannot passe through any street or lane But barehead curtesie doth entertaine My worship with what lacke you , wondrous kinde : And credit with all sorts of trades I finde , My word for wares they neuer yet forsooke , But take my hand familiar to their booke . I goe my selfe , or send by any token , 'T is ready ere the message be halfe spoken , Much in commodities I could proceed , More then my vse hath any cause to need , Therefore I 'le trie my further credit rather With ten ith'hundred , that old pennie father ; To shop-mens bookes my hand no more will deale , I am for Scriueners now , with hand and seale .

Bad Newes . WHat hungrie fellowes doth the citie breed ? That will not spare a Gentleman in 's need , But euen by meere extremities doe striue , And gape as they would eat a man aliue : My London lodgings are all haunted so With wicked spirits , that I am faine to goe Into the Suburbes , there to seeke some charme , That may secure me from the catchpoles harme ; And there by chance I met with a conceit , Which in my minde I daily must repeat . All Grocers spice you freely may imbrace , Only take heed you touch not of the Mace , Nor is it for your freedom's ease and good To walke the street , that 's call'd by name of Wood , Poultrie refraine , for that s a meat will binde-you , And of all seekers , let not Sarieants finde you : Keepe backe your feet from their In-countring waies , For they 'le salute you with a frightfull phrase As , Gentleman , at such a suit I rest you , This vexing word will very much molest you .

Good Newes . GOod lucke 's , good newes a man would thinke it were , And heer 's a tale of good-lucke you shall heare , One had a Legacie of fortie pound Which came in cleere , as if 't were money found : This he imployes in diuers kinde of things , Which benefit vnto the buyer brings . For all he bought it was exceeding cheape , Double and treble profit he did reape ; A horse , for which he did but fiue pound pay Was sold for fifteene , ready coine , next day . Sutes of apparell , cloakes , and store of plate , Great penny-worths and at an easie rate ; Pawnes came in plentie , vpon bills of sale Made lawfull purchase , if the pay-day faile . Thus in short time beginning with a gift Of fortie pound , he made such shuffling shift , He was a man of hundreds in account , And did in termes of credit so amount , Within the parish he a great sway bore , Which made them wonder , knew him base before ; That in so short a time , wealth flow'd so fast , And begger got on horsebacke in such haste .

Bad Newes . THe speech is true , Experience proues no lesse , That goods ill gotten meet with ill successe ; Where God doth blesse , happie abundance springs , And greatnesse growes , of many little things : But whereas wealth by wicked meanes is bred , A curse will fall vpon the getters head . For all the bargaines that this wretch had made , Was out of theeuing , and of brokers trade : Stolne goods were sold vnto him at best hand , Vpon deare price his chapmen did not stand , Because it cost them only but the taking , And it is term'd cloake , cup , or linnen making : I made ( saies one ) this ruffe , this sword , this hat , So what the Broker bought , the theeues made that . But after this same making comes a marring : The prouerb saies , when theeues doe fall to iarring , By that meanes true-men doe regaine their owne , And this is often manifestly knowne : Contention comes , and that so ouerswaies them , The Deuill owes a shame , and then he paies them .

Good Newes . FRom Neptunes rough encountring dreadfull deepe ▪ And Eolus , that stormie quoile doth keepe : With furious blasts amids the liquid waues , Making the waters winding sheetes and graues : A Merchant did in safetie retire , And brought home goods , which to his hearts desire He sold for profit , and for readie pay : But in the time that he had beene away , He found , ( to his exceeding chiefest ioy ) His wife deliuer'd of a gallant boy . Which neuer in her life had childe before , This did enlarge his gladsome heart the more , To finde his fortunes were so faire and good , As first escape the Ocean's raging flood : With extreme hazard of his goods and life , And then receiue such welcome from his wife ; As husband , here behold your master-prize , This little boy that hath thine owne gray eies : Unto it , let thy kindest loue be showne , For on my credit ( Sweet-hart ) 't is thine owne .

Bad Newes . THis gladsome father , and reioycing mother With much contentment doe inioy each other : Their little one doth such affection seale , And euery hurt of their distaste doth heale , Nor thought , nor word , nor deed did passe betweene The parents , not a cloudie looke was seene , Vntill a gossip of the gaggling crew Into a humour of contention grew With her familiar friend , the merchants wife , Reuenging of her quarrell with their strife . And told the husband she did greatly doubt That ▪ he was mightie wrong'd , ( if truth came out ) I will not ( quoth she ) for a thousand pound A makebate 'twixt a man an's wife be found : But I know somewhat that would breed a scabbe , Yet pardon me I neuer was a blabbe , We know that little said is soone amended , The blinde eates many a flie , what 's past is ended , These quenish termes such iealousie allur'd , He grew horne mad , and still remaines vncur'd .

Good Newes . A Hastie fellow of a froward nature , Was maried to a mild and gentle creature , Which was most willing to content him still ; But he of disposition was so ill , With eu'ry triflle he a fault would finde , Which made his wife intreat him very kinde , That he in writing would his minde explaine , What things she should performe , and what refraine : He was content , and writ his wife a booke , And bade her often thereupon to looke , For in the same he plainly had exprest What she should practise to content him best : And matters that displeas'd him to omit , She very kindly gaue him thankes for it , Vowing she would a willing scholler be To learne those lessons did with peace agree , Which she in memorie would still retaine , And crosse the deuill in his make-bate veine : All stormy tempests shall be mildly laid , I 'le please my husband now by booke she said .

Bad Newes . THe world being now a little better mended , To walke and see a friend they both intended , Some two mile out of towne , and merrie make , So frolique , till the husbands cap did ake , And he must needs ( at euening somewhat late ) Returne home reeling with a drunken pate : No friends perswasions could with him preuaile To sleepe away the head-ach of the ale , But home quoth he , come wise , we 're homeward bound , I like old Harry , meane to stand my ground , And so along goes drunkard , thorow stitch , Vntill he came vnto a scuruie ditch : Into the same downe from the bridge he falls , And then , helpe wife , a hand sweet wife he calls , Husband ( quoth she ) to helpe forth ditch or brooke , As I remember is not in my booke , And therefore first I will goe home and see Before you get a helping hand of me ; If it be written I shall lend a lift , I 'le doe it willing , else your selfe shall shift .

Good Newes . A Sutor , that a wealthy widow pli'd , To grace out his bad fortunes did prouide Vpon his credit , for an outward show , That gallantly he might a wooing goe , His hat new block'd , and golden banded too , His Ruffe he wore like some Sir reuerence doe : His suit the Tailor trusted him withall ; For sword and russet bootes , he in did fall With Cutler , and the gentle craft : Beside He had a gallant gelding to bestride , That grac'd his worship aboue all the rest , Esteem'd to be a twenty pounds-worth beast ; And all that was his carcasse outward case , ( Except his bodkin beard and naked face ) Were freely come to hand , by Best-be-trust , His brauery might be compared iust Vnto the bird trim'd vp in th' ancient tale , Had each their plumes , then naked as my naile Well , to the widow now we let him ride , And bid him welcome home on tother side ▪

Bad Newes . BEing ariued at his wished port , He doth begin , most eloquent to court , And makes account by inkhorne tearmes to get One to maintaine him , and discharge his debt , But shee 's a wench hath wit to hold him too 't , And ouerthrowes her louer horse and foot , Telling him that her selfe , and her estate Is not to be obtain'd with verball prate Of loue , and fancie , by the gods decreed ▪ Therefore bestow it pray on some that need : I haue a friend whose loue and faith I know , Y' are welcome sir , there 's all I can bestow . With that she leaues him and departs away ; Surely ( quoth he ) this is no wooing day , Some scuruy Plannet is become my foe , That at the first I should haue this crosse blow : Well , I will trie another widow yet , And if no better comfort I doe get , In spight of Fortune , ( looke she ne're so grim ) My horse I 'le rifle , though I borrow'd him .

Good Newes . FOrtune was constant in vnconstancie , The second widow gaue him the denie , More scornfull and disgracefull then the first , Which made the wooer sweare he was accurst To venture all the credit that he had , And be so brauely to the fashion clad : Yet still reiected , being a proper man , ( Though good for nothing ) did resolue him than To haue a rifling for his borrow'd beast , And get some twentie pound by th' hand at least , Retires to London , singles out an Inne , Inuites all his acquaintance , friends and kinne , That of all loues they would on such a day Be sure to meet him , without all delay , He had a Gelding cost him fiftie pound , A brauer beast did neuer pace on ground ; And he should spoile him being too too free , A most rancke rider , ( as braue gallants be ) And therefore he was willing to forgoe-him , And eu'n amongst their fortunes to bestow-him .

Bad Newes . THe rifling time being come that he had set , His friends according to their promise met , A great assembly , a good supper made , And eu'ry one his ventur'd money pai'd , To his content : thought he , why here 's good doing : Why this is better farre then scuruy wooing , Betoyl'd about a wife , and cannot get her , Widowes be hang'd , for I like horse flesh better . But see the mischiefe fortunes spight did bring , To make his rifling a meere trifling thing : No sooner they to throw the dice begin , But comes the owner with a Serieant in ; And claimes the gelding which was at the stake , This did amongst them an amazement make , For euery man his money backe did claime , Which was returned with a cheating shame ; Oh scuruy world , quoth he , how crosse things goes , The next will be the Tailor , for my clothes : My wooing ouerthrowne , my horse play marr'd , As I am Gentleman , this nips me hard .

EPIGRAM . TWo that had beene aboord a Burdeux barke , Came reeling thorow Ratcliff in the darke , And to secure them from al stumbling harme They linckt together louing arme in arme ; But as they came along the grauell pit , The one of them got such a reeling fit , That from his fellow downe the banke he fell , And lying on his backe , cri'd , Hey da Nell : Why here 's a towne is e'ne well gouern'd right , Keepe open seller doores this time a night ? Where art thou Robin , to his fellow calling ? Who vp the banke , thorow the dirt was crawling . Marry ( quoth he ) I knocke and call for beere , And there is not a rogue will answer here , Therefore as true as this good light doth shine I am a climing to pull downe their signe : And I am searching all the seller here , To finde the taps and let out all the beere , The knaues shall know they haue not vs'd vs well , Why here 's a towne braue gouern'd , Hey da Nell .

Epigram . A Ruin'd gallant , in 's declining age , Calling his life in question , in a rage Did vow , and sweare , and to himselfe protest , He was a villaine , slaue , a bruitish beast : Such Sun-shine fortunes as his daies had knowne , And might haue free inioy'd them as his owne , To let them passe with Time , and glide away , And no sure hold vpon good hap to lay , I might haue had a widow once ( quoth he ) That would haue made at least a Knight of me , And like a gull , a whorson coxcome asse , Vnto another foole I let her passe : I might haue had an office , that would cleere Haue brought me in two hundred pound a yeare ▪ And liu'd at ease , gone vp and downe to braue it ; But like a goose , I let another haue it : I might haue had good land to liue vpon , But like a Woodcocke all is sold , and gone : I might haue beene a scholler , learn'd my Grammar , But I haue lost all like a Ninnie-hammer .

Epigram . EXperience out of obseruation saies , Six sorts of people keepe their fasting daies , Which if you will in order haue them knowne , Then thus they are distinguish't euery one . The sicke man fasts because he cannot eat , The poore man fasts because he wanteth meat , The miser fasts , with greedy minde to spare , The glutton fasts , to eat a greater share ; The Hypocrite , he fasts to seeme more holy , The vertuous man to punish sinfull folly : But at all these , the drunkard in his quaffing , In scoffing manner doth deride them laughing , And saies , I am for none of all these six , Fast they , or feed , I am for drinking tricks : With Pipe and Pinte , I entertaine my diet , Sacke and Tobacco , keepes my stomacke quiet ; I doe not care for ouer-cloying dishes , So that I may attaine to these two wishes , The Vintner still to draw me of the best , And when the reckoning comes , why let that rest .

Epigram . HOw am I vex't , that must keepe in a dore , Only for feare to pay a Tapsters score ! A slaue that 's bound in conscience to forbeare , For I haue grac'd his house in lying there : But I haue vow'd reuenge , the villaine dies , Only my weapon at the Cutlers lies , And I doe linger to redeeme it thence : Beere and Tobacco is my most expence , A lowsie lodging and a scuruy diet , And this it is , which puts me out of quiet . It is against my conscience for to pay him , I can shew reason why I doe delay him . My diet , euer ouer-rost , or raw , My cans were alwaies nic'kt against the law , My washing and my wringing was but base , And I count all worth nothing , here 's the case , Yet there be Seriants waite me for arrest , In-countring fellowes , which ●id di●gest , Oh that another mad horse there would be , To catch the Serieant would be catching me .

Epigram . GIlbert , this gloue I send thee from my hand , And challenge thee to meet on Callis sand , On this day moneth resolue I will be there , Where thou shalt finde my flesh I will not feare . My Cutler is at worke both day and night , To make the sword wherewith I meane to fight : If I doe faile thee , at the time and place , Account me to descend of cowards race ; If thou neglect , and doe not meet me then , I le make thee odious vnto Martiall men . This challenge past , the challenger at Douer , Imbarks for Callis , and being halfe way ouer , Grew mighty sea-sicke , and did backe retire , Hauing by vomit purg'd out all his Ire : Oh wretch ( quoth he ) to quarrell most accurst , My heart doth faint , my very gall doth burst . I was a villaine to intend this fight ; But if I doe escape this fearefull flight , Vnto the field a farewell I will giue , And nere draw sword in anger while I liue .

Epigram . A Pocket-picker most exceeding braue ( For true mens purses did maintaine the knaue ) In sute of Sattin , cloake with Veluet lin'de , His golden hatband , guilded rapier shin'd , His russet bootes , and spurs , in all compleat , Which he maintain'd , by pilfring theft , and cheat ; Being at assises in a country towne , And standing neere a seely simple clowne , With bold audacious , and outfacing looke The rusticks purse out of his pocket tooke , Who very fearefull of his furious show , Shrunke backe amongst the throng and let him goe . Within a little space a crie was made , A cut-purse , cut-purse , all the people said , When he that lost his purse the noise did heare , He thr●ng'd among the crowd and got him neere , And said ( when he perceiued proofes made duely ) My Lords , his Worship had my purse too , truly . They smiling said , In signe that we abhor it , Wee 'le be so bold as hang his worship for it .

Epigram . A Fellow that had beene excessiue trading , In taking liquor in beyond his lading , Of Claret , and the Spanish Malligo , That 's legs vnable were vpright to goe ; But sometime wall , and sometime kennell taking , And as the phrase is vs'd , Indentures making ; Was met with by a most vnhappy boy , That at the drunkards sight did greatly ioy , To put a iest vpon the reeling mome , Hauing a birding peece to carry home : He with the same doth thus begin his iest , Presenteth it against the drunkards brest , And leuels at him , making fire fly , The drunkard lowd , did murder , murder , cry ; Oh cruell rogue , and bloudy slaue quoth he ▪ Helpe , helpe , this villaine meanes to murder me ; Sir ( quoth the boy ) you greatly doe mistake , This needlesse clamour , and outcries to make , I doe protest I meane your selfe no harme , I only shoote the fox vnder your arme .

Epigram . WHen Hodge comes home , hee 'le tell his vather newes Shall make the good old clowne admire and muse ; For he hath memory so able strong , Shall finde him tales for all the winter long ; He came not vp in vaine to London , no , Hodge hath seene that his father nere shall know Of wenching matters , but hee 'le keepe that in And tell him other sights , where he hath bin ; As of the Tower , and the Lyons there , Of Paris garden , and the Bull and Beare , Of Westminster , what monuments there be , And what two mighty Giants Hodge did see With fearefull countenances in Guild-hall , The old Exchange , the new Exchange and all . The water-workes , huge Pauls , old Charingcrosse , Strong London Bridge , at Billinsgate the Bosse . Nay Hodge hath seene ships , boats , and barges , which Swim about London in a great large ditch , And he hath vow'd he will not iogge away , Tell he hath seene some pretty puppet play .

Epigram . TOm Tempest fell at strife with Steuen Storme , And fel'd him with a pintpot from a forme , Storme rows'd himselfe , and fiercely did rebound , At cruell Tempest , with a stabbing wound ; But it was done in a most coward kinde , In his breech backward , where he breaketh winde ; The Vintner ( being of the separation ) Comes in and lends his wisest exhortation , Tempest , and Storme ( my windy brethren both ) In sadnesse and in truth , without an oath , You are to blame to draw that Iron toole , And make my ciuill house a fencing schoole , This is the force of your excessiue wine , I rather will take downe my bush and signe , Then liue by men of riotous expence ; In peace I say , Brethren depart you hence . I will not take a penny for the shot , And furthermore , I 'le melt that bloody pot , Which is polluted thus with sanguine gore , All 's paid , y' are welcome when y' are out of doore . FINIS .