Humors looking glasse

HVMORS LOOKING Glasse .

LONDON , Imprinted by Ed. Allde for William Ferebrand and are to be sold at his Shop in the popes-head Pallace , right ouer against the Tauerne-dore . 1608.

To his verie Louing Friend-Master George Lee. ESteemed friend , I pray thee take it kinde , That outward action beares an inward minde , What obiects heere these papers do deliuer , Bestow the viewing of them for the giuer . I make thee a partaker of strange sights , Drawne antique works of humours vaine delights . A mirrour of the mad conceited shapes , Of this our ages giddy-headed apes , These fash'on mongers , selfe besotted men Of kindred to the fowle that wore my pen , Are at an howers warning to appeare , And muster in sixe sheetes of Paper heere . And this is all at this time I bestow , To euidence a greater loue I owe . Yours SAMVEL ROWLANDS .

Reader . AS many antique faces passe , From Barbers chaire vnto his glasse , There to behold their kinde of trim , And how they are reform'd by him , Or at Exchang where Marchants greete , Confusion of the tongues do meete , As English , French , Italian , Dutch , Spanish , and Scot'sh , with diuers such . So from the Presse these papers come To show the humorous shapes of some . Heere are such faces good and bad , As in a Barbers shop are had , And heere are tongues of diuers kindes , According to the speakers mindes . Beholde their fashions , heare their voice , And let discretion make thy choice . SAMVELL ROWLANDS .

Epigram . SOme man that to contention is inclin'de , With any thing he sees , a fault wil finde , As , that is not so good , the same 's amisse , I haue no great affection vnto this . Now I protest I doe not like the same , This must be mended , that deserueth blame , It were farre better such a thing were out , This is obscure , and that 's as full of doubt . And much adoe , and many words are spent In finding out the path that humours went , And for direction to that Idle way Onely a busie tongue bears all the sway . The dish that Aesope did commend for best , Is now a daies in wonderfull request , But if you finde fault on a certaine ground , Wee le fall to mending when the fault is found ,

Epigram . PRa'y by your leaue , make mounsieur humors roome That oft hath walk'd about Duke Humphries tombe And sat amongst the Knights to see a play , And gone in 's suite of Sattin eu'ry day , And had his hat display abushie plume , And 's verie beard deliuer forth perfume . But when was this'aske Frier Bacons head That answered Time is past , O time is fled ▪ Sattin and silke was pawned long agoe , And now in canuase , no knight can him knowe . His former state , in darke obliuion steepes , Onely Paules Gallarie , that walke he keepes .

Epigram . CRosse not my humor , with an ill plac'd worde , For if thou doest , behold my fatall sworde : Do'st see my countenance begin looke red ? Let that fore tell ther 's furie in my hed . A little discontent will quickely heate it . Touch not my stake , thou wert as good to eate it , These damned dice , how cursed they deuoure : I lost some halfe score pound in halfe an houre , A bowle of wine , sirha : you villaine , fill : Who drawes it Rascall ? call me hether Will . You Rogue , what ha'st to Supper for my dyet ? Tel'st me of Butchers meate ? knaue I defie it . I le haue a banquet to enuite an Earle , A Phoenix boyld in broth distil'd in Pearle . Holde drie this lease , a candle quickly bring , I le take one pipe to bed , none other thing . Thus with Tabacco he will sup to night : Flesh-meate is heauie , and his purse is light .

Epigram . TWo Gentlemen of hot and fierie sprite , Tooke boate , and went vp Westward to goe fight Imbarked both , for Wens-worth they set saile , And there ariuing with a happie gaile , The Water-men discharged for their fare , Then to be parted , thus their mindes declare . Pray Ores ( said they ) stay heere and come not nie , We goe to fight a little , but heere by . The Water-men with staues did follow then , And cryd , oh holde your hands good Gentlemen , You know the danger of the law , forbeare : So they put weapons vp and fell to sweare .

Epigram . ONe of these Cuccold-making Queanes did graft her husbands head : who arm'd with anger , steele and horne would kill him stain'd his bed . And challeng'd him vnto the field , Vowing to haue his life , Where being met , sirha ( quoth he , ) I doe suspect my Wife Is scarce so honest as she should , You make of her some vse : Indeed said he I loue her well , I le frame no false excuse . O! d' ye confesse ? by heauens ( quoth he ) Had'st thou dem'de thy guilt , This blade had gone into thy guts , Euen to the verie Hilt .

Epigram . OCeasion late was ministred for one to trie his friend , Ten pounds he did intreat him that of all loue he would His case was an accursed case , no comfort to be found , ( lend Vnles he friendly drew his purse & blest him with ten pound He did protest he had it not , making a solemne vow , He wanted means & money both , to do him pleasure now . Then sir ( quoth he ) you know I haue a Gelding I loue wel , Necessitie it hath no law , I must my Gelding sell , I haue bin offered twelue for him , with ten i le be content , Well I will trie a friend ( said he , ) it was his chest he ment . So fectch'd the money presently , tother sees Angels shine Now God amercy horse ( quoth he ) thy credit 's more then mine .

Epigram . DIce diuing deepe into a Ruffians purse , Leauing it nothing worth but strings and leather : He presently did fall to sweare and curse , That 's life and money he would loose together , Tooke of his hat , and swore , let me but see What Rogue dares say this same is blacke to me ? Another lost , and he did money lacke , And thus his furie in a heate reuiues : Where is that Rogue denies his hat is blacke ? I le fight with him , had he ten thousand liues . Oh sir ( quoth he ) in troth you come too late , Choller is past , my anger 's out of date .

Epigram . A Kinde of London-walker in a boote , ( Not George a Horse-backe , but a Gerge a foote , ) On eu'ry day you meete him through the yeare , Fot's bootes and spurs , a horse-man doth appeare . Was met with , by an odde conceited stranger , W●● friendly told him that he walk'd in danger . For Sir ( in kindenes no way to offend you ) There is a warrant foorth to apprehend you . Th' offence they say , you riding through thee streete , Haue kil'd a Childe , vnder your Horses feete . Sir I protest ( quoth he ) they doe me wrong , I haue not back'd a horse , God knows how long , What slaues be these , they haue me false bely'd ? I le prooue this twelue-month I did neuer ride .

Epigram . WHat feather'd fowle is this that doth approach As if it were an Estredge in a Coach ? Three yards of feather round about her hat , And in her hand a bable like to that : As full of Birdes attire , as Owle , or Goose , And like vnto her gowne , her selfe seemes loose . Cri ' ye mercie Ladie , lewdnes are you there ? Light feather'd stuffe befits you best to weare .

A deafe eare , in a iust cause . A Poore man came vnto a Iudge & shew'd his wronged state , Entreating him for Iesus sake to be compassionate , The wrongs were great he did sustaine , he had no help at al The Iudge sat stil as if the man had spoken to the wall . With that came two rude fellows in , to haue a matter tride About an Asse , that one had let the other for to ride : Which Asse the owner found in field , as he by chance past And he that hired him a sleepe did in the shadow lye . For which he would be satisfied , his beast was but to ride : And for the shadow of his Asse , he would be paid beside . Great raging words and damned othes , these two asse-wrangles swore , When presently the Iudge start vp , that seem'd a sleep before And heard the follies willingly of these two sottish men , But bad the poore man come againe , he had no leasure them .

Epigram . A Iolly fellow Essex borne and bred , A Farmers Sonne , his Father being dead , T' expell his griefe and melancholly passions , Had vowd himselfe to trauell and see fashions . His great mindes obiect was no trifling toy , But to put downe the wandring Prince of Troy . Londons discouerie first he doth decide , His man must be his Pilot and his guide . Three miles he had not past , there he must sit : He ask't if he were not neere London yet ? His man replies good Sir your selfe besturre , For we haue yet to goe sixe times as farre . Alas I had rather stay at home and digge , I had not thought the worlde was halfe so bigge . Thus this great worthie comes backe ( thoewith strife ) He neuer was so farre in all his life . None of the seauen worthies : on his behalfe , Say , was not he a worthie ▪ Essex Calfe ?

The Humors that haunt a Wife . A Gentleman a verie friend of mine , Hath a young wife and she is monstrous fine , Shee 's of the new fantastique humor right , In her attire an angell of the light . Is she an Angell ? I : it may be well , Not of the light , she is a light Angell . Forsooth his doore must suffer alteration , To entertaine her mightie huge Bom-fashion , A hood's to base , a hat which she doth male , With brauest feathers in the Estridge tayle . She scornes to treade our former proud wiues traces . That put their glory in their on faire faces , In her conceit it is not faire enough , She must reforme it with her painters stuffe , And she is neuer merry at the heart , Till she be got into her leatherne Cart. Some halfe amile the Coach-man guides the raynes , Then home againe , birladie she takes paines . My friend seeing what humors haunt a wife , If he were loose would lead a single life .

A poore Mans pollicy . NExt I will tell you of a poore mans tricke , Which he did practise with a polliticke , This poore man had a Cow t was all his stocke , Which on the Commons fed : where Catell flocke , The other had a steere a wanton Beast , Which he did turne to feede amongst the rest . Which in processe although I know not how , The rich mans Oxe did gore the poore mans Cow . The poore man heereat vexed waxed sad , For it is all the liuing that he had , And he must loose his liuing for a song , Alas he knew not how to right his wrong . He knew his enemie had pointes of law , To saue his purse , fill his deuouring mawe , Yet thought the poore man how so it betide , I le make him giue right sentence on my side . Without delay vnto the Man he goes , And vnto him this fayned tale doth gloze , ( Quoth he ) my Cow which with your Oxe did feede , Hath kild your Oxe and I make knowne the deede . Why ( quoth my Politique ) thou shouldst haue helpt it rather , Thou shalt pay for him if thou wert my father . The course of law in no wise must be stayde , Least I an cuill president be made . O Sir ( quoth h● ) I cry you mercy now , I did mistake , your Oxe hath gorde my Cow : Conuict by reason he began to brawle , But was coutent to let his action fall . As why ? ( quoth he ) thou lookst vnto her well , Could I preuent the mischiefe that befell ? I haue more weightie causes now to trie , Might orecomes right without a reason why .

Epigram . ONe of the damned crew that liues by drinke , And by Tobacco's stillified stink , Met with a Country man that dwelt at Hull : Thought he this pesant's fit to be my Gull . His first salute like to the French mans wipe , Wordes of encounter , please you take a pipe ? The Countrie man amazed at this rabble , Knewe not his minde yet would be conformable . Well , in a petty Ale-house they ensconce His Gull must learne to drinke Tobacco once . Indeede his purpose was to make a iest , How with Tobacco he the peasant drest . Hee takes a whiffe , with arte into his head , The other standeth still astonished . Till all his sences he doth backe reuoake , Sees it ascend much like Saint Katherins smoake . But this indeede made him the more admire , He saw the smoke : thought he his head 's a fier , And to increase his feare he thought poore soule , His scarlet nose had been a firie cole . Which circled round with smoak , seemed to him Like to some rotten brand that burneth dim . But to shew wisdome in a desperat case , He threw a Can of beere into his face , And like a man some furie did inspire , Ran out out of doores for helpe to quench the fire . The Ruffin throwes away his Trinidado , Out comes huge oathes and then his short poynado , But then the Beere so troubled his eyes , The countrieman was gone ere he could rise , A fier to drie him he doth now require , Rather then water for to quench his fire .

Epigram . COme my braue gallant come , vncase , vncase , Nere shall obliuion your great actes deface , He has been there where neuer man came yet , An vnknowne countrie , I , i le warrant it , Whence he could Ballace a good ship in holde , With Rubies , Saphiers , Diamonds and golde , Great Orient Pearles esteem'd no more then moates , Sould by the pecke as chandlers measure oates , I meruaile then we haue no trade from thence : O t is too farre it will not beare expence , T' were far indeede , a good way from our mayne , If charges eate vp such excessiue gaine , Well he can shew you some of Lybian grauell , O that there were another world to trauell , I heard him sweare that hee ( t was in his mirth ) Had been in all the corners of the earth . Let all his wonders be together stitcht , He threw the barre that great Alcides pitcht : But he that saw the Oceans farthest strands , You pose him if you aske where Douer stands . He has been vnder ground and hell did see , Aeneas nere durst goe so farre as hee . For he has gone through Plutoes Regiment , Saw how the Fiendes doe Lyers there torment . And how they did in helles damnation frye , But who would thinke the Traueller would lye ? To dine with Pluto he was made to tarrie , As kindly vs'd as at his Ordinarie . Hogsheades of wine drawne out into a Tub , Where he did drinke hand-smooth with Belzebub , And Proserpine gaue him a goulden bow , T is in his chest he cannot shew it now .

Of one that cousned the Cut-purse . ONe toulde a Drouer that beleeu'd it not , What booties at the playes the Cut-purse got , But if t were so my Drouers wit was quicke , He vow'd to serue the Cut-purse a new tricke . Next day vnto the play , pollicy hy'd , A bag of fortie shillings by his side , Which houlding fast he taketh vp his stand , If stringes be cut his purse is in his hand . A fine conceited Cut-purse spying this , Lookt for no more , the for shillings his , Whilst my fine Politique gazed about , The Cut-purse feately tooke the bottom out . And cuts the strings , good foole goe make a iest , This Dismall day thy purse was fairely blest . Houlde fast good Noddy t is good to dreade the worse , Your monie 's gone , I pray you keepe your purse . The play is done and foorth the foole doth goe , Being glad that he cousned the Cut-purse soe . He thought to iybe how he the Cut-purse drest , And memorize it for a famous iest . But putting in his hand it tan quite throw Dash't the conceite , hee le neuer speake on 't now , You that to playes haue suc● delight to goe , The Cut-purse cares not , still deceiue him so .

A drunken fray . DIcke met with Tom in faith it was their lot , Two honest Drunkars must goe drinke a pot , T was but a pot , or say a little more , Or say a pot tha●'s filled eight times ore . But being drunke , and met well with the leese , They drinke to healthes deuoutly on their knees , Dicke drink , to Hall , to pledge him Tom relects , And scornes to doe it for some odde respects Wilt thou nor pledge him tha●'t a gill , a Scab , Wert with my man-hood thou deseruest a stab , But t is no matter drinke another bout , Wee le intot'n field and there wee le trie it out . Le ts goe ( saies Tom ) no longer by this hand , Nay stay ( quoth Dicke ( lets see if we can stand . Then forth they goe after the drunken pace , Which God he knowes was with a reeling grace , Tom made his bargaine , thus with bonnie Dicke If it should chance my foote or so should sl●p , How wouldst thou vse me or after what Size , Wouldst bare me shorter or wouldst let me rise . Nay God forbid our quarrells not so great , To kill thee on aduantage in my heat . Tush we 'le not fight for any hate or soe , But for meere loue that each to other owe . And for thy learning loe I le shew a tricke , No sooner spoke the worde but downe comes Dicke , Well now ( quoth Tom ) thy life hangs on my sworde , If I were downe how wouldst thou keepe thy worde ? Why with these hilts I 'de braine thee at a blow , Faith in my humor cut thy throate , or soe , But Tom he scorne to kill his conquered foe , Lets Dicke arise , and too 't againe they goe . Dicke throwes downe Tom or rather Tom did fall , My hilts ( quoth Dicke ) shall braine thee like a maull , Is' t so ( quoth Tom ) good faith what remedie , The Tower of Babell's fallen and so am I. But Dicke proceedes to giue the fatall wound , It mist his throate , but run into the ground . But he supposing that the man was slaine , Straight fled his contrie , ship himselfe for Spaine , Whilst valiant Thomas dyed dronken deepe , Forgot his danger and fell fast a sleepe .

Epigram . WHat 's he that stares as if he were afright ; The fellowe sure hath seene some dreadfull spright Masse rightly guest , why sure I did diuine , Hee 's haunted with a Spirit feminine . In plaine termes thus , the Spirit that I meane , His martiall wife that notable curst queane , No other weapons but her nailes or fist , Poore patient Idiot he dares not resit , His neighbor once would borrow but his knife , Good neighbor stay ( quoth he ) i le aske my wife . Once came he home inspired in the head , He found his neighbor and his wife a bed , Yet durst not sturre , but hide him in a hole , He feared to displease his wife poore soule . But why should he so dreade and feare her hate , Since she had giuen him armor for his pate ? Next day forsooth he doth his neighbor meete , Whome with sterne rage thus furiously doth greete , Villaine i le slit thy nose , out comes his knife , Sirra ( quoth he ) goe to I le tell your wife . Apaled at which terror , meekely saide Retire good knife my furie is allaide .

Proteus . TIme seruing humour thou wrie-faced Ape , That canst transforme thy selfe to any shape : Come good Proteus come away a pace , We long to see thy mumping Antique face . This is the fellow that liues by his wit , A cogging knaue and fawning Parrasit , He has behauiour for the greatest porte , And hee has humors for the rascall sorte , He has beene great with Lordes and high estates , They could not liue without his rare conceites , He was associat for the brauest spirits , His galland carriage such fauour merrits . Yet to a Ruiffin humor for the stewes , A right graund Captaine of the damned crewes , With whome his humor alwayes is vnstable Mad , melancholly , drunke and variable . Hat without band like cutting Dicke he goe's , Renowned for his new inuented oathes . Some times like a Ciuilian , t is strange At twelue a clocke he must vnto the Change , Where being thought a Marchant to the eye , He tels strange newes his humor is to lie . Some Damaske coate the eflect thereof must heare , Inuites him home and there he gets good cheare . But how is 't now such braue renowned wits , We are ragged robes with such huge gasily slits , Faith thus a ragged humor he hath got Whole garments for the Summer are too hot . Thus you may censure gently if you please , He weares such garments onely for his ease . Or thus his credit will no longer waue . For all men know him for a prating knaue .

Epigram . A Scholer newly entred marriage life , Following his studdie did offend his wife , Because when she his company expected , By bookish busines she was still neglected : Comming vnto his studdy , Lord ( quoth she ) Can papers cause you loue them more then mee :

Epigram . I would I were transform'd into a Booke That your affection might vpon me looke , But in my wish , withall be it decreed , I would be such a Booke you loue to reede , Husband ( quoth she ) which books form : should I take , Marry ( said hee ) were best an Almanacke , The reason wherefore I doe wish thee so , Is , ●uery yeare wee haue a new you knowe .

Epigram . SIra , come hether boy , take view of mee , My Lady I am purpos'd to goe see : What doth my feather flourish with a grace , And this same doo blese●e become my ●ace , How desc●nt doth this doubl●●● fo●m● appeare ( I would I had my sute in houns-●●itch heere ) Do not my spurs pro●ounce a 〈◊〉 sounde ? Do's not my hole circumference profounde ? Sir th●se are well , but there is one thing i●l , Your Tai●our with a sheete of paper b●ll , Vowes heel 'e be paid and S●r●ants he had feed , Which ●a●●e your commng forth to do thy deede : Boy god-amercy 〈◊〉 my Lady stay , I le see no counter for her ●a●e to day .

Much a doe about chusing a wife . AWiddower would haue a wife were old , Past charge of children to preuent expence Her chests and bagges cram'd till they crake with gold , And she vnto her graue post quickly hence , But if all this were fitting to his minde , Where is his lease of life to stay behinde ? A Batcheler would haue wife were wise , Faire , Rich and Younge , amaiden for his bed , Not proude , nor chutlish but of faut les size , A country housewife , in the Citty bred . But hee s a foole and longe in vaine hath staide , He shoulde be speake her , there 's none ready made

The taming of a wilde Youth . OF late a deare and louing friend of mine , That all his time a Gallantyouth had bene , From mirth to melancholy did decline , Looking exeeding pale , leane , poore , and thin , I ask'd the cause he brought me through the streete , Vnto his house , and there hee let me see , A woman proper , faire , wise and discreete And said behould , heer 's that hath tamed mee , Hath this ( quoth I , ) can such a wife do so ? Lord how is he tam'd then , that hath a shrow :

A straunge sighted Traueller . AN honest Country foole being gentle bred , Was by an odde conceited humor led , To trauell and some English fashions see , With such strange sights as heere at London be . Stuffing his purse with a good golden some , This wandring knight did to the Cittie come , And there a seruingman he entertaines , An honester in Newgate not remaines . He shew'd his Maister sights to him most strange , Great tall Pauls Steeple and the royall-Exchange : The Bosse at Billings-gate and London stone , And at White Hall the monstrous great Whales bone , Brought him to the banck-side where Beares do dwell And vnto Shor-ditch where the whores keepe hell , Shew'd him the Lyons , Gyants in Guild-Hall , King Lud at Lud-gate the Babounes and all , At length his man , on all he had did pray , Shew'd him a theeuish trick and ran away , The Traueller turnd home exceeding ciuill , And swore in London he had seene the Deuill .

Three kinde of Couckoldes , One , And None FIrst there 's a Cuckolde called One and None , Which foole , from fortune hath receiu'd such He hath a wife for beutie stands alone , Grac'd with good carriage , and most sweete behauiour fauour Nature so bounteous hath her gifts extended . From head to foote ther 's nothing to be mended . Besides , she is as perfect chast , as faire , But being married to a iealous asse , He vowes she hornes him , for he feeles a paire Haue bin a growing euer since last grasse , No contrary perswasions hee 'l indure , But 's wife is faire and hee 's a Cuckolde sure .

The second . None , and One. THe second hath a wife that loues the game , And playes the secret cunning whore at plaisure . But in her husbands sight shee s wondrous tame , Which makes him vow , he hath Vlisses treasure . shee le wish al whores were hang'd , with weeping teares Yet she her selfe a whores cloathes dayly weares ▪ Her husbands friends report how 's wife doth gull him Wi●h false d●ceitful and dissembling showe And that by both his hornes a man may pull him , To such a goodly length they daylie growe , He sayes they wrong her , and he sweares they lye , His wife is chaste , and in that minde hee 'le dye .

The Third , One , and One. THe third is he that knowes women are weake , And therefore they are dayly apt to fall , Words of vnkindnesse their kind hearts may breake , They are but flesh and therefore sinners all , His wife is not the first hath trod a wry , Amongst his neighbours he as bad can spye . What can he helpe it if his wife do ill , But take it as his crosse and be content , For quietnesse he lets her haue her will , When shee is old perhaps she will repent , Let euery one amend their one bad life , Th' are knaues and queans that medle with his wife . FINIS .