A crevv of kind gossips, all met to be merrie complayning of their husbands, with their husbands ansvveres in their owne defence. Written, and newly inlarged by S.R.

A Crew of kind Gossips , all m●tte to be merrie . MY Maisters that are Married , looke about , For matter of Complaint is comming out Against your persons , stand vpon your gard , Either your Wiues be bad , or you deale hard : Your credites are in question very farre , And now or neuer , either make or marre . You are accus'd of many haynous thinges , And swift Report hath very nimble winges ▪ It flyes about the Towne from eare to eare , And most will credit euen all they heare . What will the world suppose , to haue your Wiues Giue out , their Husbands liue such odious liues ? What will our Batchelers and Maydens say , That are preparing for their wedding day ? Why , they will censure of the married life , To be a state full of Domesticke strife . Stand to it stoutly , now as you are men , First heare them speake , and shape an answere then : They are no lesse then halfe a dozen strong , Arm'd with such Tongues as will endure no wrong : Sixe Gossips that of late togeather met , Besprinckled finely , well with Cla●ret wet : Apt to discourse of all that ere they knew , As t is the humor of the Gossip-crew , Did finde themselues greatly agrieued all , The first of th●● , 〈…〉 me , With Tongue enough , and C●u●●ge to the same , That dranke Ca●o●ses to the other fiue , And had a care to see the Vintner thriue : That had her Pint for Pint , her Quart for Quart , Louing a cup of Clarret with her hart : That scorn'd to be intreated for her D●inke , But would hold out , when twenty Wenches shrinke ; And take her Cuppes , euen with a courage downe , Play the Good-fellow kindly , spend her Crowne With any she that durst , a merry Wife , That neuer playde the Mizer in her life : Onely her Husband did a humour see , Which did not like him ; she was too too free : And that ( indeed ) will not doe very well , For diuers reasons which a man might tell : But we will leaue them to be thought vpon , And turne her to her Tale ; which thus goes on .

The first Gossips Complaint . KInd Gentlewomen , though I sport and iest , I haue small cause to doe it , I protest ; If you knew all the Crosses Fortune bringes , Ah little doe you know where my Shoo wrings ▪ I am oft merry , and I cannot chuse , If one should hang mee , pleasure I must vse : Vnto the Prouerbe I doe still agree , Care ki●'d a Ca● , so shall it not mee . Yet I am husbanded with such a Clowne , 'T would pull a merrier heart then mine is , downe : Ther 's nothing in him , t is a very Gull , His mind 's of Money-bags , to fill them full : There 's nothing that comes from him with good will , But he is euer grudging , grumbling still : Let me but aske him somewhat for to spend At such a time as this , with Friend and Friend ; His Purse will be a comming out so slow , And such a dogged looke he will bestow , With minde vnwilling going thereabout , I could spend thrice as much ere it comes out . Is this the way to please a womans minde , That is vnto good fellow-ship inclin'de ? And neuer to this day regardeth drosse , Sometime a Crowne , and sometime ne're a crosse : To take allowance at a wretches hand , Not hauing Gold and S●luer at command . Whom doth he spare for , we no Children haue ? Indeed he doth allow me to goe braue ; But that 's his credit , full as much as mine , And now and then at Meales a pint of wine : Marry sir Muffe , yea , and Gra-mercy Horse , I will haue more , by faire meanes , or by force : I scorne to take allowance like a Child , There 's nothing got , when women be too mild . This by my Sister Sara proue I can , All London doth not yeeld a kinder man Then Thomas is ; yet at the first I know , He did but vse her ( as they say ) so so . But what did shee ? Marry , grew somewhat stout , And when he look't for kindnesse , loure and pout , With Pish and Phew , no ioy ( poore soule ) I haue , I could now wish , that I were in my Graue ; And sigh , and weepe , and often eate no meat ; And then the Asse ( her Husband ) would intreate , I prethe ( sweet-Heart ) what dost ayle my deare ? Why should this sorrow in thy lookes appeare ? Dost thou want anything , I prethe speake ? Then would she sigh , as if her heart would breake , And make as though she wept , and rub'd her eyes , Till her kind foole in earnest sits and cryes , Protesting to doe ought that might her please : Then laying open to him her disease , She told him that her onely griefe of minde Proceeded from hard vsage she did finde : For other women ( to her extreame care ) Were full of Money , when her purse was bare . He hearing this , accounted it good hap , And threw a bag of Angels in her lap : Then tooke her by the hand , and ( kissing ) swore , While he had Coyne , she should complaine no more : So to this day , his honest word doth keepe , Onely because his Wife did sit and weepe ▪ Now which of vs will not almost doe so , Our teares are cheape and plenty , you doe know , For be it spoke in secret twixt vs heere , A penny for a pottle is too de●re . Well , I intend to try my Sisters tricke ; I le first be sullen , after I le be sicke : And if one after t'other will not doo , I will be sullen , sicke , and dogged too , And cha●e , and pout , and loure , and fret , and sweat , And in a weeke not touch a bit of Meat : And when my Husbands tongue he still doth hold , Then I will be most apt to braule and scold ; But when he speakes , and would haue me reply , I le hold my peace , and ( frowning ) looke awry . These are the Rules that I intend to keepe , A Shro● is ten times better then a Sheepe .

The Husbands Answers in their owne defence . The first Husbands Answere . THere is an ancient Prouerbe vs'd of old , The first tale's good , vntill the next be told : A Lyers tongue , i●tearmed Falshoods mint , We haue been slandered by our Wiues in print , Yet haue been silent it appeares too long , The world may censure we haue done them wrong , Because with silence it hath past away . But Gentlemen , now giue vs leaue , I pray To vse Apologie , and by no meanes Giue credit to such cunning crafty Queanes : For they haue s●andred vs , vpon our liues ; The case may be your owne , if you haue wiues : And therefore be not partially inclin'd , But heare the matter with indifferent minde . A Tauerne for their parly they did chuse , And there ( forsooth ) as pra●ling Gossips vse , Like Catoes wife , they presently be led , To vtter all that comes into their head . And first my Ione , ( a very prating Dame ) Of sparing , and of hardnesse , doth me blame : She wanteth Money ( as she sayes ) to spend : Sirs , can a man get Coyne vnto that end ? My Purse ( she sayes ) is slowly comming out , But her Hand is too nimble thereabout ; Shee le set it going , she can make it flye , And if I speake , she answeres , What care I ? I le be maintayned Gentle-woman like : Then bendes her fist as if she meant to strike , That sometime I am glad to speake her faire For quietnesse : and t is an honest care , To haue commaund , onely by manly carriage , For I doe know the ciuill warres of Marriage Too well , by diuers of my Neighbours liues , That are ore-matcht in combat with their Wiues ; Blowes therefore we doe neuer put in vre , But a Shrowes tongue I daily doe indure . Giue mee some Money ; Money is her song , She loues to be a spending all day long . Housholders iudge , if all thinges be not deare , She g●● me not a Penny in a yeare , And pen●es me pounds a weeke , yet still complaines . That neuer taketh any other paines But st●●ch a Ruffe , and sit and pricke a clout , Then walke abroad ; this worke she goes about . Shall I maintaine an ydle Huswife so ? There 's not an honest man but will say no. Hee that doth let his wife haue what she will , Being a Foole , shee le keepe him Woodcocke still . No , I le be Head , my title I le not lose , Shee 's well maintaind , as all my Neighbours knowes : Nay , I le be sworne it makes my Purse-strings cracke , To ruffle her in her pride , and gowne her backe : She hath six Gownes for wearing ne're the worse , I would I had fiue of them in my purse : But t is her humour , and it must be thus ; Pride pleaseth them , how ere it pincheth vs : There 's not a new-found toy , if once they craue it , Poore Husbands shall not rest vntill they haue it .

The Second Gossips Complaint . NExt to the first , a second neate one sat , Which tooke a cup of Wine , & dranke vp that : Then filling it vnto another , sayd , Ah , wish I could , that I were yet a Mayde . We are so forward in our youth , you know , When past a dozen yeares we once doe grow , We long , and wish , and looke , and dayly thinke For you know what , Cupid is meate and drinke Vnto our hungry thoughts , his prayse we sing : Forsooth a Husband is your onely thing . Poore foolish Girles , we know not what we doe , But take a pride when Fellowes come to woe , I le tell you one thing , but no words I le haue , I know I speake it to the wise and graue : When I was Mayde , with Chalke behind our doore , Some fiue and fourty Sutors I did score : And I would vse the Fooles alike ( all kinde ) For which , continuall fauours I did finde : I le tell you trueth , the Gloues which some did giue , Are more then I can weare out while I liue . Each was resolu'd , he did my loue possesse ; For like a crafty queane ( I must confesse ) I gaue kind words , and smiles , and kisses too , And thinges that shal be namelesse I did doo : Which shall be left to youth , 't is gone and past , I haue not bin the first , nor shall be last Of waggish Wenches : for when we are gone , There 's little ones new bred , are growing on . But ( in good sadnesse ) I am plagued now For all my knauery , I le tell you how . Of all my choyse ( for fourty fiue was plenty ) I tooke a Clowne , the very worst of twenty , Indeed he doth allow me Coyne at will , For to belve the Diuell it is ill : But heere 's his fault , hee 'le crosse me many a way , When I would haue my humour , he sayes nay . Let mee bid one doe this , hee sayes doe that , My wife talkes often-times she knowes not what : Yea , when that many strangers are in place , Hee 's not asham'd to offer this disgrace ; For which , we two haue often fallings out , And sometimes at the ●●sts we haue about . I care not greatly whosoere it know , If he strike mee , I le match him blow for blow ; For though he be my head ( as people talke ) About his pate my fist sometimes doth walke ; He shall haue euen as good as he doth bring , I will not dye in 's debt for any thing . Vnto my parents I do seeme the liker , For well ● wo● , my Mother was a striker : And I haue seene her take my Father downe , That he was euen affraid to see her frowne . He would sometime come wrangling in a dore , But when my Mother with a cudgell swore , And sayd but to him , Richard shall I com● ? Why present he had not a word but Mum. I noting this , vnto my selfe would say , That same tricke will I haue another day : For if I meet with one that 's like my Father , I le take no blowes , I le see him hanged rather . Indeed I finde my Husband but a bragger , His humour is , he will a little swagger , And seemes as if he were Knight of the Sunne . But let me stand to him , and he hath done . At first ( indeed ) he put me in a feare , When as I heard him but begin to sweare : Then spake I faire , and to him was right kinde , Thinking to put him in a better minde , I tride him thus a while , but t' was a wonder How he would dominiere , and keeke me vnder . Nay then ( quoth I ) I le try my Mothers tricke , And valiantly tooke vp a Faggot-sticke . ( For he had giuen me a blowe or twaine ) But as he likes it , let him strike againe The blood ran downe about his eares , apace , I brake his head , and all bescratch't his face : Then got him downe , and with my very fist I did bepommell him vntill he pist . So from that houre vnto this present day , He neuer ●●st begin another fray : But is content to let all fighting cease , A Faggot-sticke hath bound him to the peace .

The Second Husbands Answere . MAisters , you heare my Huswife wantes her will , She tels her Gossips I doe vse her ill : And yet she doth confesse that I am kinde , In letting her haue Mony to her minde : Yet that 's not all the Gentle womans longing , There s other matters to her humours wronging . She would be Maister to command in all , Doe what she list ; checke mee : ma●ry and shall . She sayes , I crosse her ; but she crosses mee In my affayres , still busie she will be : I must yeeld her account whither I goe , In euery thing , Good-man why doe you so ? This likes not mee , prethee let 's haue it thus , I scorne to see my neighbour put downe vs ; We will haue Plate as rich as they haue any , And yet not be beholding for a penny . How like an Asse my foolish Husband goes ? Buy me a Sattin Doblet to them Hose . I can be well content with going plaine , But that my wife is of another vaine : She sweares she will go braue , I shall maintaine her , Or 't is an argument I doe disdaine her ; And that her onely care to goe so fine , Is but for credit both of hers and mine . Indeed by this my credit sure is tride , For I owe Money to maintaine her pride . With Mercers Bookes I am acquainted still , And large I furnish out the Toylors Bill . This is the onely credit that I get , For Brauery to run my selfe in debt . And when I tell her priuate twixt vs two , Wife let 's be wise , these courses will not do , You doe not goe according to my purse , In Parish charges I shall speed the worse , We must be wise , if you farre meaner went , It would best pleasepray , who should you content But mee ? Therefore goe to your husbands minde , And I shall take it ( Loue ) most wondrous kinde . Oh on the ●odaine how shee le rage and sweare , That none in London baser minde doth beare , Shee le call me Gull , and sit her downe and cry , Then out in tearmes , What cursed hap had I ? Weary I am of this same wretched life , Wouldst thou haue me goe like an Oyster wife ? Oh scuruy minded man , I euen scorne thee , And could finde in my heart base ●●aue to ( ) thee . Goest thou about to offer this disgrace ? I would that I had neuer knowne thy face ; When first I saw thee , surely I was mad , For choyce of fourteene propper men I had ; Yea , euen as handsome creatures to mine eye , As ere were girt in Girdles , ( t' is no lye ) And yet I left them all , to marry thee . What greater crosse then this , could light on mee , To haue a Fellow grumbling at me still , And all I haue , comes from him 'gainst his will : O wretch , O Lob , who would be thus beclown'd ? I deserue better for two hundred pound . Two hundred pound in Gold my Father gaue , To match me with this miserable Knaue , Whom with my very heart I doe disdaine : Oh would my bargaine were to make againe , Then I would flaunt it , I would cut it out , And wiser , ere I l●apt would looke about : I would haue none , but I would make him sweare , That when I list , I might the Breeches weare : My Sisters life is happy , I may say , Her Husband dares not crosse her any way , She sayes , in 's life he neuer gaue her checke , But can haue any thing euen with a becke : And why not I attaine the like degree , That am as proper ( I am sure ) as shee ? Nay , and a little fairer too , I know , Who sees both Faces , he will sweare 't is so , But well , within my head I haue a tricke , Some haue their Foreheads swell that be not sicke : I le haue my will to be maintain'd in all , And if one will not , then another shall . Maisters , how like you this ? iudge I beseech , ( On Monday last this was her very speech ) Nay , and she standes vnto it wondrous bold . The first tale's good , vntill the next be told , Vpon my life , this is a womans vaine , To wrong her Husband first , and then complaine .

The Third Gossips Complaint . WEll done in truth , yea , and gra-mercy Besse , Would I had part of thy braue valiantnesse ; I lacke it Wench , ( in sadnesse ) very much : For I haue one all Hell affords none such , He vseth me in all things as he list , Oh that I could but rule him with my fist , As thou doest thine : how happy should I be , If I had but a courage like to thee ; It grieues me to the hart I cannot doe it . Nature hath not enabled me vnto it : I haue as tall a tongue as others haue , And can affoord him Rascall , drunkard , knaue , Gull , cox●ombe , noddy , ideot , and asse , The veryest Calfe that euer went to grasse , Block-neaded buzzard , and a hundred like , But I could neuer haue the heart to strike . If that I durst once venter for to beate him , As in mine anger I could euen eate him , In conscience I might be his Maister sure , If I the tryall of it durst endure . Sometimes me thinkes I could a cudgell take , But then my very heart begins to quake , For to my selfe my inward thoughts do speake , My husband is too strong , and I too weake : Which makes me often wish I had the power To make my selfe a man but halfe an hower , That so I might reuenge my selfe awhile , I would be talkt of many a hundred Mile For valour , I should make him tremble then , And be example vnto other men . Oh I would teach my dom●●iering youth , To strike a woman while he liu'd , in truth . One time he came home drunke , and then thought I , Now for to cudgell him I will goe try : His case was then so weake he could not stand , And I might easie get the vpper hand : But I conceiu'd 't will turne vnto my sorrow , The drunken foole would thinke vpon 't to morrow : And then I shall be sure to pay for all , I know the weakest must vnto the wall . This made me very soa●efull to proceed , And for my life I durst not doe the deed : But in his way I s●t a little Stoole , And ouer that ▪ downe comes my reeling foole : That was to plague him somewhat for his sins , For I am sure it mortified his shins ; And then I seem'd to be exceeding sad ▪ Saying , deare Husband , what a fall you had ? Giue me your hand that I may helpe you rise ; And tooke a Handkerchiefe , and wip't mine eyes , As if that I had wept for very griefe , Being my selfe the causer of it chiefe : But of a troth ( as you may well beleeue ) I laugh't most brauely at it in my sleeue . And then into a Chaire I did him set , Asking him , if a Chirurgion should be fet , And tying of a Kirchiefe 'bout his hed , I left him fast a sleepe and went to bed : All this I did to please in outward showes , Being my pollicy to scape from blowes . But the next morning in his sobernesse , I rang his eares a peale , you 'le hardly gesse . Thou filthy beast ( quoth I ) hast thou no shame , To make thy selfe a common laughing game ? Art thou a man thus to abuse thy Wife ? Assuredly , 't is pitty of thy life . I sit all day euen like a prisone● heere , And thou com'st home laden with Wine and Beere , And if I tell thee for thy good thereof , ( Like all lewd Knaues ) good counsell thou do'st scoffe . My tongue thou tearmest but a Serpents sting : Thus doth the Diuell , lead thee in a string , Thou hast no power good motions to imbrace : Cam'st thou not home last night in scuruy case , Bleeding , and hurt , my sorrow to prouoke ? It were no matter if thy necke were broke . Thus did I rattle him , till Choller grew , And then he at my head a Cushion threw ; Saying , there Skold , take somewhat for thy paines . Goe too ( quoth I ) y' are best beat out my Braines With Cushions now , to make the Prouerbe true : Then outgoes hee to meet the cursed crue , And to inquire who t' was did hurt him so ; But I le keepe that ( my Wenches ) close , I trow .

The third Husbands Answere . BEware a Widdow , Oh that I were free , Such mischiefe neuer more should light on mee : I le pawne my heart , yea euen my dearest blood , Not one amongst fiue hundred that prooues good . They are not kind , they cannot right be sayd , To haue such pure affection as a Mayde : I le stand to it , and bring my Wife to sweare it , And Batchelers beleeue it , you that heare it , Though I ( till death doe bayle me ) am fast bound , ( Would t' were tomorrow for fiue hundred pound ) Yet by my harmes , I would haue you escape , That haue a Diuell in a Womans shape : A Woman-diuell , and a Diuel-wife , That makes me weary of a Husbands life . I cannot speake with tongue , nor write with pen , The wofull state of such distressed men As I my selfe ; yet somewhat may suffice , To paint her in this Paper to your eyes : That those which with such creatures would be doing , May by my Patterne , goe to Hell a woing . She is most impudent , and shamelesse bold , Since I was borne , I neare heard such a Scold . When she is vp , she rayles me out of dore , When I come in , she rayleth ten times more : If I intreate her , she will sweare and curse , If I say nothing , she growes worse and worse : I am as patient as a man can be , When this vile woman thus tormenteth me . If I be hungry and demaund some meate , Shee le wish me choak't with the next bit I eate , Then with a dogged countenance will say , Spight of my heart I shall her leysure stay . If I do reason mildly with her then , For euery word I speake , she giues me ten , And tels me of her t'other husbands praise , With whom she liued all her happy dayes , That he would weepe , euen at her finger ake , And to content her any paines would take , He was the kindest louing man aliue , And day and night to please his wife would striue : Then wishes in his graue with him she lay , Amen , thinke I , that were my happy day . For sure a man that 's mach't with such a wife , Hath but two happy dayes in all his li●e ▪ The first of them 's the day whereon they marry , For then the thing for which they long did tarry , With wishing and much expectation still , Is with great ioy effected to their will . The second merry day we married haue , Is when our wiues are carried to their graue : For we are freed from former thraldome then , And shaking of the yoke , become free men . Then we may ioy that we haue got release , Attayning to a Batchelers sweet peace , When Serpent dies , adue poyson and sting ? When my wife 's gone , farewell venomous thing . But that 's not like to be a long time yet , Death is too slow in challenging his debt , Such happinesse to me it will not bring , She will liue longer then a better thing . The other day a cunning prancke she plaide , One of her Gossips she brought to perswade , That I should furnish her in hast to ride Vnto a Gentlewoman , neere allyed Vnto my wife ; to see her being sicke : I did it , but was couz●n'd by the tricke , It was her Cozen as they both gaue out ; But su●e they kindred made of me , I doubt , I sent one after them to be my spy , An honest f●●●d I know , that will not lye : He sayes both Gentleman , and country Boore , Abroad report my Cozen is a Whore , And she hath gallants haunt her farre and neare : What should my wise and her conso●t doe there ? No goodnesse sure ? a mischiefe take them both : To weare a paire of Ho●●es I would be loth . But who can helpe , the deed once being done , It is a threed so close with cunning spun , But Maisters , keepe it secret I doe pray , Doe not acquaint my wife with what I say : Harke in your ●are , If I can prooue her so , I le be diuorc'd , and farewell all my woe : I doe intend to let her haue full scope , And then a Whore will prooue a Whore I hope : Let her keepe company with whom she list , Let her suppose mine eyes be dimn'd with mist , Let her not care into what sinne she sinkes , I le come vpon her when she little thinkes : And where she takes me for a silly Mome , For all her knau'ry , then I le pay her home .

The fourth Gossips Complaint . WEll Gentlewomen ( sayd the fourth ) I see You haue great reason to complaine ( all three ) Vpon your Husbands , they are bad indeed ; But I haue one ( in conscience ) doth exceed : The chiefest thing wherein he takes delight , Is to be vp at Dice and Cardes all night . He is a Gamester , though no Cocke of game , For I doe finde he doth his businesse lame , In things ( you know my meaning ) scant worth prayse , But fast and welcome , as a number sayes ; Al 's one for that , my care hath euer bin , Because he will not stay a nights within , But ●unneth still abroad from place to place , Wasting away his Money ●ewd and base : His Gameste●s companies hee le not refuse , For all the milde behau●our I can vse ; Intreat him , kind deare Husband play no more , And speake him faire vntill my tongue before : Request him , if 〈…〉 loue with Cardes he bee , That he would play at Noddy but with mee : Or if he loue the Tables so a life , Why then to play at Nublets with his wife . No , no , t' is death vnto him , out he must , To keepe the Money in his purse from rust : Novum and Passage , scoure his Mettall bright , New-cut euen makes a Begger of him right . Looke , heere 's the best Apparrell that I haue , The very Wedding Gowne my Father gaue : He neuer gaue me yet a paire of Gloues , I am beholding more to others loues Then vnto him , in honest manner tho , And ( Gossips ) I beseech you take it so . There are kind Gentlemen , some two or three , And they indeed my louing Kinsmen bee , Which will not see me want , I know it I , Two of them at my house in Terme time li● , And comfort me with testes and odde deuice , When as my Husband 's out a nights at Dice : For if I were without a merry Friend , I could not liue a twelue-month to an end : One of them gaue me this same Ruf●e of Lawne , It cost three pound , but last weeke in the Pawne . Doe y' thinke my Husband would haue bin so free ? Alas he neuer made so much of mee . Nay , t'other day at Church I spide a Hat , My minde and eye was neuer off from that , The onely fashion to content alone ; Yet thinke you he would buy me such a one , No , I prote●● , but when I made the motion ; Oh wise ( sayd he ) pray where was your deuotion ? Goe you to Church to finde new fashions out ? Is this the exercise you are about ? In that same sacred place ( ordaind for Prayer ) Are you so voyd of feare and de●out care ? How now ( quoth I ) heere 's Vice will ●olly teach , Take in your Geese , the Fox begins to preach , What haue we heere : a mortified man ? Is Dice and Cards become a puritan ? Oh admarable change , I pray New-cut , Into what gratious humor are you put ? And thus I fitted good-man counterfeit , For he had put me in a chafing heat , And surely being mou'd , I home can speake ; Some wit I haue , a Knauish iest to breake . My husband he was husht , and went his way , The Cox-combe Asse had not a word to say : But out a doores he got exceeding grim , T was next day noone ere I set eyes on him . This man will talke full well , and speake of heauen , Yet leaues his louing wife at sixe and seauen : Goes forth one day , and commeth home the next , To proue this lawfull , sure he hath no text . Wel , ere the weeke do end , I make no doubt , But we shall haue another falling out , I le crosse him he was neuer better crost , And put him in a heat against the frost For that same Hat , wherein he did me wrong , ( As you know what it is when women long ) He shall repent it ( marke what I do say ) Ten times within a twelue month and a day , I le keepe the rest of that I haue intended , A little saide ( they say ) is soone amended , But euen as true as I was borne a Maid , I owe him that good turne which shall be paid .

The fourth Husbands Answere . MY prating Gossip must haue answere next , I beyond reason with a Wife am vext , At first a Begger , once scarce worth a Lowse , Whom I haue made the Mist●is of my house : Euen my Mayde , a very Kitchin drudge , Of whose conditions I intreat you iudge . Dayly till ten a clocke a bed she lyes , And then against her Lady-ship doth rise , Her Mayde must make a Fire , and attend To make her ready , then for Wine shee le send , ( A morning pint ) she sayes her stomack 's weake , And counte ▪ feits as if she could not speake , Vntill ele●en , or a little past ; About which time , euer she breakes her fast : Then ( very sullen ) she will pout and loure , And sit downe by the Fire some halfe an houre . At twelue a clocke her dinner time she keepes , Then gets into her Chaire , and there she sleepes Perhaps till ●oure , or somewhat thereabout , And when that lazie humour is worne out , She cals her Dogge , and takes him in her lap , Or falles a beating of her Mayde ( perhap ) Or hath a Gossip come to tell a tale , Or else at me shee le curse , and sweare , and raile ; Or walke a turne or two about the Hall , And so to supper and to bed ; heere s all The paines she takes : and yet I doe abuse her , But no wise man I thinke , so kind would vse her : I am a Foole to suffer that I doe , Yet loue and kindnesse leades me so thereto , I cannot chuse but yeeld vnto her still , This makes bad wiues to haue their will : And thus they grow from euill vnto worse , Yet when I do intend another course , It will not be , she shewes her cunning art , I ouer-comes my honest , true , kind heart : Sometimes her lookes will carry such a sway , That for my life I cannot say her nay : Sometimes her teates do charme me in such wise , That I giue credit to deceiuing eyes . Sometimes her words in such great force do stand , I yeel ●to euery thing she doth demaund : And sometimes her out-ragious madding fits , Makes me as mad as she , beside my wits . And where she sayes , I am a Gamester , sirs , 'T is but a villanous deuice of hers , That men should of this hard opinion be , If that we doe not thriue , 't is long of me . Beleeue it not , alas it doth appeare , That I play scarce at Tables in a yeare : Dice I detest , and Cardes as much I hate ; Neither am I , as she sayes , out so late , As was reported when your Wiues and shee At Vintners Hall , were making their tongues free . What is it that such tatling Gossips dare not ? To wrong their husbands , nay ( themselus ) they care not ; For rather then with silence they will sit , Against themselues they 'le vtter out their wit , As my Wife did in one complaint she made , About a Hat , that I to her denaide , 'T was her deuotion at the Church to spy it , And there continually ( she sayes ) she ey'd it , With great affection , yet by me denide . Where were your thoughts , on Prayer , or else on Pride ? This shewes what follies they doe entertaine , And that their speeches ( like themselues ) be vaine . All men that know ▪ what creatures Women are , For ta●●ing of their wiues doe little care . T is but a breath , euen like Tobacco smoake , Which if they should not vtter , they would choake . If they conceiue a thing within their minde , ( Although the substance of it be but winde ) It must be vtt'ered foorth , and haue quicke vent , Or with themselues they grow most disconteet . Well , I am further charged with vntruth , By this my male-contented female youth , She sayes , I neuer gaue her Gowne : Oh lye , Who payde for that last weeke ? belike not I : I giue her Money still , and she buyes Stuffe . But now I smell a Ratte , I haue enough ; Belike some Gallants doe their bountie show , And for her kindnesse , kindnesse they bestow : She traffickes with them , changing ware for ware , And so my Money in her Purse doth spare : It may be thus , and now I much suspect , Vnto my Browes I le haue a more respect ? I haue been troubled much with Head-ach late , Something I feare doth swell about my pate : Most curiously I will obserue the thing , If it doe bud , as now t is toward the Spring , I will not be a Wittoll and an Asse , But euen next Sommer turne my wife to grasse .

The fift Gossips Complaint . SVre ( quoth the fist ) I do not meane to flatter , Were all such husbands hang'd , it made no matter . I haue a sound card for a womans stay , Hee 's durnke but once a weeke , that 's e'ry day . Oh 't is the filthiest man I do protest , That euer was of giddy pate possest : Himselfe all day in Tauernes he bestowes , And comes to bed at night in shooes and ●ose ; And there he lyes as cleanly as a Hog , Perfum'd as sweet as any stinking Dog , With filthy leaues he smoakes his head with all , Such Weeds as Indians do Tobacco call : But sure as Black-amores looke outward skin , So Collier-like are English-men within , That take such trash : for there be Doctors say , The memory of Man it doth decay , And poysoning the Braine , it makes it dull , When loathsome vapours fill each passage full . I am a woman , yet I le vndertake , The credit of this fire-worke quite to shake , Gainst any Maister-gunner of the trade , No reason in the world that can perswade Vertue remaineth in a little smoake , That to our sences doth offence prouoke : Hold but your face where wood a kindling lyes , Apply the Medicine to your nose and eyes , Into your mouth let it haue passage free , And note how welcome this same stuffe will be . Fye , out vpon 't , it makes a filthy smell , My nose likes a Sir-reuerence as well : I thinke a thousand times I do complaine , And tell my husband that he should refraine This making of a Chimney of his nose : He had a breath as sweet as any Rose , Before he vsed this same scurny tricke , But now if I do kisse him I am sicke , With this same fough ; beshrow your heart say I , Tobacco stinkes , you poyson me , I dye . Then what does he , but sayes , Go hang thee Queane , This wholesome Phisicke keepes my body cleane , I le take it for to anger thee withall : Then for a Candle and a Pipe hee 'le call : A Trencher Whore , let there a Rush be got , Some Paper , make the Fire-shouell hot , A Knife , some Match , and reach a little Wyre , A Tinder-box , fetch me a coale of Fyre . Why heere s a stirre , what woman can endure it ? And yet this life I haue ( Gossips ) assure it , But now and then I fit him in his kinde , When any smoaky stuffe of his I finde : For when I meete with his Tobacco Box , I send it to the Priuie with a Pox. Then hee 'le goe raging vp and downe , and sweare , He misseth such most rare and holsome geare , The like did neuer grow on India ground , And euery Ounce for goodnesse worth a pound . Thus doth he liue , and make a dayly course To smoake himselfe , keeping an emptie Purse , With Beere , Wine , and Tobacco ; what cares hee , Sinke I , or swim , it matters not for me . Is this a life , iudge Gossips , iudge I pray ? My discontent succeedeth day by day . When first I married with this drunken drone , I was a p●ope● wench it is well knowne : And though I say'● that should not , one or other , In all our parish was not such another , I did refuse as handsome men and wise , As euer girdle girt , let that suffice . And if good fortune I had not withstood , I might in Conscience sure haue worne a ●ood . My husband had as much with me ( that Curie ) As Mistries Susans husband had with her : Besides I know all you that are in place , Will iudge that I haue farre a better ●ace , More propper body , and for hand and foot I le put her downe , and giue her legges to boot : Yet notwithstanding my good pa●ts , you see How La●y-like she is maintain'd to me . But well , if I prooue widdow ere I dye , It shall go hard but I will looke as hye .

The fi●t Husbands Answere . HEer 's a braue world indeede if this geare hold , When honest men by sluts are thus contrould : In absence , to haue credit ouerthrowne , And we made Guls for them to play vpon , Shall we endure it , and be made fooles still : No , I le curbe mine , vpon my life I will , And keepe her somewhat shorter in a doore , A Tauerne tell-tale she shall be no more . Neighbours , I thinke you know me , all are heere , Although I loue a Cup of Wine or Beere : And as good-fellow , sometime trade therewith , Yet did you neuer see me Smug the Smith : Did any of you euer know me reele ? Or in a storme of Wine turne vp the heele ? In all your liues did any see me so , That with these paire of Legges I could not go ? Pray speake my Maisters , for I may mistake ▪ A man will venter much for good Wines sake ▪ But if I haue been sometimes ouer-shot , In calling for too much by t'other pot ; Shall my wife chatter till her tongue be weary , And tearme me Drunkard , when I am but merry ? Will any louing wise be so vnkind ? Or doth not duety and good manners binde A woman to forbeare , to winke , and hide , And not to rayle , to slaunder and to chide , She might haue laid in priuate certainly , Husband , last night you sung a pot too hye , Or my deere loue , pray thee where hast thou bin ? In truth ( Sweet hart ) you are a little in . All this were well , indifferent to be borne : But shall she lay me open ( as in scorne ) To her companions scoffing at me so , As if I daily could not stand nor go ? She tearmes me Sound card for a womans stay , Drunke once a weeke , and that is euery day . The filthiest Drunkard ( thus she doth protest ) That euer was of giddy braine possest . And further , to the world she doth disclose , That I come into bed in shooes and hose : And horrible Tobacco do so drinke , That she is almost poyson'd with the stinke . Well , this is good , but marke the end at last , In a new mould this woman I will cast , Her tongue in other order I will keepe , Better she had bin in her bed asleepe , Then in a Tauerne , when those words she spake : A little paines with her I meane to take : For she shall find me in another tune , Betweene this February and next Iune : In sober sadnesse I do speake it now , And to you all I make a solemne vow , The chiefest Art I haue I will bestow , About a worke cald taming of the Shrow . It makes my heart to fret , my lookes to frowne , That we should let our wiues thus put vs downe . But for mine owne part I haue now decreed , To do a good and charitable deed . If she begin her former course a fresh , I haue a tricke to mortifie her flesh : Vnto you all example I will giue , Perhaps you le thanke me for it while you liue But for your selues , to nothing I le perswade , Because the blame on me shall not be laid : Other mens wiues I meane to let alone , I shall haue worke enough to tame mine owne .

The sixt Gossips Complaint . FRiends ( quoth the sixt ) each hath reueald her griefe , Yet giue me leaue to thinke that mine is chiefe : Would with your worst I might a Husband change Sure I would thinke my hap lesse hard and strange . Your fiue in deed are bad , I must confesse , But mine is euen the worst of all the messe : All yours may be indur'd , but t is a hell , When men do loue their neighbours wiues too well . Thinke that I doe not speake it of ●ll will , ( As true as this is Wine I meane to fill ) Not out of iealousie , take it not so , Into that humour I did neuer grow : I speake it Gossips ( first I le drinke ) doe y' heare ? E●'n from the wronges that I doe know I beare . My Husband 's leawd , giuen to goe astray , His loue to mee now dayly doth decay ; Quite altred from the man that he hath bin , Euen giuen ouer to the fleshly sin . There 's not a Whore in London , nor about , But he hath all the haunts to find her out . He knowes the Panders that can fit his turne , And Baudes that helpe good followes to the burne : Tassitie Queanes , and fine light silken Whores , That haue the gif● of Pox in their owne powers , And can teach Fre●ch in halfe a day by noone , As leacherous as a Monkey or Baboone : That daily goe like Ladies in attire , And liue by hackning out themselues to hire ; More common rid , re rid , and ridden ouer , Then any ●ade betwixt Grat●esend and Douer : And let me aske , what 's such a one , or shee With ●aune and Maske ? His Cozens all they bee . What 's she that hath the Iewell in her haire , And on her backe the Cobweb-Lawne , most rare , Hauing a Vintners bush vpon her head , All trim'd with Shoo stringes tawny , greene , and red ? Whose ●an weighs more , tride onely by the ●eather , Then all her honest trickes , being ioyn'd together ? Fo●●●oth his Cozen , shee 's most neere of kin , This lying humou● he is euer in . He hath all that to villanie belonges , The hugest number of such baudy Songes , You euen would wonder ( Gossips , this is plaine ) That any man could beare them in his braine . He hath a Song cald , M●stris will you doe ? And , My man Thomas did me promise too , He hath the Pin●ace , rigd with silken saile , And pretty Birdes , with Garden Nightingale , I le tie my Mare in thy ground a new way , Worse then the Players sing it in the Play : Besse for abuses , and number more , That you and I haue neuer heard before . And these among those Wenches he doth learne , Which by actiuitie their liuinges earne . His Crownes vpon them ●rankly he bestowes , Not caring for his wife , or how she goes : L●t me complaine for any kind of Stuffe , What answers he ? Thy clothes are good enough , I like thee well , and should if thou went'st worse . These are his cogging trickes to saue his Purse , So he me may spare to spend it vpon me , He neuer doth regard on whom it be . Let me but walke with him along the steeete , T is wonderfull how many he doth meete That doe sa●ute him , looking all like Queanes ; But then hee le scarcely speake by any meanes , Onely he winkes on them , and pass●s by , Making account , The blind eates many a Flye . But I can smell the knauery of him out , And very shortly ( I doe make no doubt ) To take him napping , I haue layde a plot Shall coole the Gentleman is growne so hot . I ●ay no more , there 's somewhat in the winde , The Cat o●t winkes , and yet she is not blind . All friendes , no wo●des , be merry : come who drinkes ? Little our Goodmen knowes what their wiues thinks . Let 's poynt a time when we shall meete againe , And she that ●ayles , we will inioyne this paine , Fiue Shillings spent in Wine , Gossips pawne downe ; And to giue good example , there 's my Crowne .

The Sixt Husbands Answere . FRiendes to conclude , beleeue my word in this , No kind of Crosse like a bad Woman is : I know your handes are full , Neighbours 't is true , And I my selfe make one as well as you ; I share in Shrow indifferently well , One that doth make my House resemble Hell : Because her diuelish nature is so bad , No quietnesse can at her hands be had . Will you beleeue mee ? Sirs I will not lye , She hath the most accursed iealous eye That euer I haue knowne , or euer shall : And I perceiue , that heere 's none of you all Equall with mee , for wicked womans flesh ; Sh●e'le rayle all day , at night begin a fresh , And with that tune into her Bed she lyes , Scouldes in her sleepe , and scouldes when she doth rise . And why is this thinke you ? Marry I le tell , She sayes , I loue my neighbours Wiues too well ; But i● I were this instant houre to die , I le take it on my death , that she doth lie . Sometimes I aske my neighbours how they doe , Giue them a Pint ( perhaps ) and kisse them too : Why what of this ? and if a man doe so , May 't not be done , and yet no euill grow ; Kindnesse may lead a man vnto kind carriage , And yet he may be constant in his marriage ; But for my Wife I doe not care a Pin , What scuruy minde soeuer she be in , To slaunder me with Whores ; my credit 's knowne , She hath a lying tongue ( friends ) of her owne , To say that I bad Houses doe frequent , And there on Common Whores my loue is spent . I neuer was in Ba●dy house but twice , And there indeed a friend did me intice To see some fashions ; onely there we dranke , And saw a gallant Queane , her name was Franke , In a Silke Gowne , loose bodyed , so was she : Not that I tride her , but as they told me : She gaue vs good Tobacco , sweet , and strong , And of mee●e kindnesse sung a bawdy Song . This I protest was euen all we did , Yet ( Oh ) when I came home , how I was chid : Some Rascall told my Wife , that ought me spight , And I was villain'd for it ●ound at night : And euer since , if any strife arise , She asketh me where Mistris Francis lies : Cals her my Whore , and sayes that I and shee , Both of a haire and of a humour bee . But well , it skils not ; let her talke and spare not , I haue set downe my rest , in troth I care not : I see it is no wisedome any way , To storme in minde at that which women say : Their Mouthes cannot containe their Tongues within ; For when they 're Mayde 〈…〉 wedlocke they begin , At euery meeting , then they doe discouer The disposition of each kind of Louer . Ione hath a propper handsome Man in truth , But Iudiths is not halfe so kind a youth : Nan knowes not what a Iewell she hath got ; But Dorothies sweet-heart , I like him not , Thus being Maydes , they doe their Louers vse , And being Wiues , their Husbands they abuse : Therefore in this case , let vs be content , T is now too late our Bargaines to repent : But let vs hope they 'le shortly to their Graue , And then we quiet liues a peece shall haue : And hee to whom kind Death this freedome giues , Let him take heed of wi●ing while he liues .

The end of the Sixe Gossips , and their Husbands .