How Scoggin was banished out of England .

VPon a time there was a Goldsmith , of the Citie of London , that had a faite maid to his daughter with whom Scoggin fell in loue , and did long time seeke to winne her to his pleasure , whom hee hunted in all places where shee went : not withstanding shée slatly denied him , which bred the greater fire to his beastly desire , and therefore in an euening as this maide went some two myle or , to a house that her Father had , Scoggin met her by the way attired in blew Sarcenet , set all ouer with little starres of golde hauing a lawne ouer his face , and with a counterfeit voyce shewed her that hee was some strange fortune teller : declaring vnto her that strange misery would shortly fal vpon the people of the Citie for their sinnes , with many other speeches touching the same purpose , and further willed her to shew it to the people that they might with fasting and prayer pacifie Gods anger , telling her withall how she had refused the loue and friendship of a good and vertuous man named Scoggin : who in the same place ( a litle before ) made sute vnto her for that shée denyed him , and therefore if be sought any thing a● her hands hereafter , that she should obey him , and there should great happinesse follow her by it , and withall charging her that she should not discouer it to any creature liuing : the simple wench beléeued all for truth , and deliuered it as a Prophesie to her acquaintance to fore warne them of that which should happen amongst them : for the which cause ( many at the first feared much , and in the meane time this poore wench yéelded to his wantonnesse , which was shortly after spied by the wenches great belly , and the practise discouered , 〈◊〉 which cause Scoggin was brought before the chiefe Magistrates , and according to the law was for euer banished the land , as he was wel worthie .

How Scoggin made an Oration at Calis .

BEing thus banished England Scoggin cloathed himselfe like a Scholler , and crossed the Seas from Douer to Calis : whether being come and lacking money : he laide a wager with one of the Burgomasters , that he would make an oration in the middle of the market place , which should make one halfe of his auditors to laugh , and the other halfe to weepe , for the which purpose and for the winning of his wager he put on a garment that was very short behind , without any briches at al , he entred vp to a high Scaffold wherein the middest of the audience , he did so vehemently set foorth the story of the wofull destruction of Ierusalem , that the whole assistance wept teares at the pitifull remembrance of it , which Scoggin perceiued he then laid his hands a crosse and seeming to shew a great deuotion he bowed his head so low , and lifted vp his taile so high , as he discouered his backe side , prouoking all those that sate behinde him to laughter , which was in my mind a pleasant part to win a drunken wager with all ,

How Scoggin plaid the Phision .

SCoggin trauelling further vp into the Countrey of France hée lodged in an old Abbey of Nuns , where there was one of them named Isabel who being a sweete smooth facst girle , had by chance a great griefe in her thigh , and was greatly troubled therewith for the space of fiue moneths ( and in the end acknowleding her vnworthinesse to pray vnto God or to be heard of him , ) she praied to S Dominick that he would be a mediator betweene God and her , that she might recouer her health : after which the devotions , Scoggin perceiuing the matter how it went , apparelled himselfe like to S. Dominicke , and came to her in her sleepe , and with annointment that he had be annointed her thigh , and made her whole ▪ & when she asked the name of so pretious a remedy , hee answered that it was the ointment and balme of loue for the further iudgement thereof , I leaue it to the description of the Reader whose conceite therein , I suppose will ioyne with mine .

How Scoggin got himselfe an Office .

WIthin a while after this : Scoggin came into Pickardie where liued a Knight of great liuings and had many good offices in the house , of which Scoggin had great desire to haue one , whereby he might the better maintaine himselfe : whereupon he oftentimes made great sute to the Steward and other chiefe officers in the knights house , and withall giuing them still some one present or other , desiring him euermore to remember him and they did answere him alwayes with one voyce , saying , stay awhile and thou shalt haue the first place that is voye . But stil when it came to the pinch , there was alwaies some excuse or other , either that the office was too great , or that it was too little , and he should haue a better , or that they were constrained to giue it to some of their brethrens kinsmen and without faile he should haue the next that did fall and with these words they kept Scoggin still off , so that the time went away , and he serued in the Knights house without any reward : in the end Scoggin perceiued himselfe neuer the nearer , nor one whit the better but that he lost his time , his mony & his paines determined to make no longer sute but studied how to flowt them for their vngratefulnesse : whereupon after this when he espied conuenient time , he came to the chiefest among them , and praied them one after another to dine with him the next Sunday following at a house of one of his friends , for he could doe no lesse then bestow a banquet of them in regard of their good wills towards him : They promised him one after an other to come together but yet fearing to haue a slender dinner of Scoggins prouision , giuing better credit to his wordes then his kitchin , each of them sent his seuerall dish of meate afore hand , the which Scoggin tooke and put all together in a great pot , but God knoweth in what order , for one had sent a Capon in stewd broth , another Chickens in white broth , another powdred Beefe and Lurnups , another a legge of Mutton and such like some sent their meate sodden and some rosted : when the steward and his fellowes came to dinner and saw this kinde of seruice , they had no stomackes to eate , but carried each man to so when their owne meat should come in . Scoggin went to and fro very busie , as one that was carefull to see them all serued , but at last one of them said , I pray thée Scoggin take away these porridge and giue vs the meat that we sent hither , why these are yours ( quoth hee ) ours said they ? that they are not yes truly quoth he to one , here is your beefe & turnups , to another hee is your stewd broth , to another here is your white broth & so forth , now truly said they we were neuer thus vsed , now the diuel take all , for I thought this foole would mocke vs : now I pray thée quoth one , where didst thou learne to put our meat thus together for being by it selfe alone it had bene good , but mixed thus together it is quite spoyled & right naught : euen so ( quoth Scoggin ) are you my Maisters , for when you be each alone by your selues ▪ there is nothing better then you are , for then you promise mountaines , but when you are together , you are naught like your postage , and will performe nothing . They all perceiuing well what he ment , said vnto him , ha Scoggin , we know well to what end this thy doing was , thou hast good cause to be considered : But in the meane time shall wée not dine ? Yes that you shall said hée , better then you are worthy : then brought he them foorth other meate that he had prouided , and set before them , wherewith they were all pleased : thus when they had well dined , they went away and concluded , from that time foorth that he should be made an officer in the knights house , the which was done , for he was within few dayes made chiefe warrenner of all the Knights Parkes and Forrests : And thus his inuention and deuice of pottage did preuaile more then all his importunate suites before time .

How Scoggin feasted the Knight his Master .

THis Knight was a batcheler and delighted much in Soggins merriments , for in his lodge he would alwayes keepe good cheare , as commonly most warriners doe and withall a cup of good wine , and now and then a prettie wench to pleasure the Knight his maister , so vpon a time this youthfull knight sent him word that he would come the next day to supper to him in his lodge , but he would haue him to prouide nothing but light meates , because he found himselfe not well at ease , Scoggin sent him word that he should be verie welcome , and by and by he prouided good store of calues skins , and sheepe skins , & put them all to boyle in a great pan minding therwith to feast the knight his master , when supper time came and his Maister set at table , at the first messe he set before him , these ●odden calue skins : to whom the knight said : what meate is this thou bringest me ? what doest thou meane thus to mocke me , Sir quoth Scoggin you sent mée word yesterday that I should prepare for your worship light meates , but when it came to the dressing they went al to the bottome of the pan vntil at the last I found these skins that swam aboue the water , and they are therefore the lightest meat that I could find qd. the knight thou wast neuer good in all thy life , nor neuer wil be : well sirra for this knauish tricke I will teach thee with wham thou hast to iest : Scoggin notwithstanding had prouided other kind of meat for his maisters supper the which hee caused to be brought forth and did so well vse the knight his maister , that he was theerewith well pleased , and forgaue Scoggin for this time and so departed after supper againe home to his owne house .

How the Knight was lodged in Scoggins house .

ANother time as the aforesaid K. had bin a hunting he grew belated , and because he would not ride home in the night he and al his traine intented to lodge in Scoggins house for that night : whereupon after the Knight had supped with that he found there made readie he withdrew himselfe to rest : but Scoggin that knew his maisters complexion prouided him a tender pidgion to lye withal at night the Knight going to bed well pleased with this his diet , had Scoggin vse his men no worse then he vsed himselfe , and likewise ( quoth he ) let my Horses be as well vsed as myselfe too , for I doe put my trust in thee : Scoggin forgot not these wordes , but tooke his leaue of his maister till the next morning , and as he helped him to a bedfellow , so had he for each of his men a Gos●ip , that they might be vsed no worse then their Maister : and likewise sent straight vnto the next town , to borrow good store of Mares , and within a short time , he found enough to serue his turne , the which Mares he put amongst the Knights great horses which began to fling , kicke , and keepe a soule stir , insomuch that the Horsekeeper was faine to forsake his sweete heart . to appease the broyle betwixt the horses and Mares . The next day in the morning the Knight would needes know what ayled his Horses to keepe such a coyle in the night : The horsekeeper thought to haue excused the matter but could not : Sir quoth the Horse-keeper , the occasion was because Scoggin had put Mares to your stond Horses , whereupon the knight presently sent for him , and rebuked him with many reprochfull wordes , saying , wretch that thou art , wilt thou alwaies play the knaue with me in this manner ? thou hast spoyled my horses and yet thou carest not : why ( quoth Scoggin ) said you not yesternight to me , that your horses should be as well vsed as your selfe : I haue done the best that I could doe to them , they haue had Day and Dates their belly full , and they haue had straw vpp● to the hard belly , so that they wanted but each of them their female which your worship had your selfe , and therefore I sought them the like in the next towne . Now a vengeance on thee thou vngratious varlet , said the Knight . doest thou tell me of such things , hold thy peace , we will reckon together , and then I will reward thee according to thy beings and so went his way for that time and left Scoggin there deuising in his craftie mind , how to get his good will and fauour againe , but so it hapned that within two or thrée dayes vpon a further displeasure which Scoggin wrought by his too much rashnes , that hee was put out of seruices , and sent away to seeke himselfe a new Maister , thus you may see , how a man may loose that in an houre that was not got in a yeare .

How Scoggin was hired to be a Horse coursers seruant with whom he dwelled .

AS Scoggin after this came into a country village , there came vnto him a certaine horsecourser that hired him to be his man , who said vnto Scoggin that he should liue merrily , and eate of the same meate and drinke that he himselfe and his wife did , and that he should doe all things with halfe the labour that other seruants did , so Scoggin was content to serue him : within a while after the Horsecourses wife dressed a couple of Chickens for her husbands dinner , and had Scoggin turne the spit , and so he did , but when the Chickens were inough he pulled one of them from the spit , and eate it vp without any bread : of which the good wife complained of to her husband , who presently came vnto his man Scoggin and said vnto him ? Sirrah what is become of the other Chicken ? marry quoth Scoggin I haue eaten it ; for you said that I should eate and drinke of the same that you and your wife did : therefore I haue eaten one of them , and the other I leaue for you and your wife , for I was affraide , that you should haue offended God in breaking the promise you promised me : wherefore I haue deuided them betwixt vs equally . Then said his Maister , sirra , I care not for the Chickens , but I would haue you please my wife and doe after her commaundement , marry so I wil quoth Scoggin , whervpon euer after this , when she had him doe anything he did but halfe , for when she had him fetch a bucket of Water , he went and brought it but halfe full of Water , and when he should bring two logs to the fire , he brought but one , and when he should giue the beasts two bottles of hay hee gaue them but one , and when he should fetch a pot full of beere he brought it but halfe full , and so he did of many other things more . Then complained shee againe to her husband of Scoggins knaueries , who came vnto him , and said , sirra I badde you should doe what shee commaunded you , Scoggin answered , I haue done as ye bad me , for you said to me when I was hired , that I should doe all things with halfe the labour that other seruants did : with that the horsecourer laughed , and then said his wife : If you keepe this vngratious knaue any longer . I will not tarry with you , but depart away : then he turned Scoggin out of his seruice for his wiues sake .

How Scoggin set a whole towne together by the cares .

AT Easter following Scoggin came to the same Village againe , at which time the Parson of the towne ( according to the order of the popish Clergie would néedes haue a stage play , ) and as in that age the whole earth was almost planted with superstition & idolatry , so such like prophane pastimes was greatly delighted in , especially playes made of the Scripture at an Easter , as I said before ) the Parson of the Village would haue a play of the resurrection of the Lord , and for because the men were not learned , nor could not reade , hee tooke a lemman that he kept ( hauing but one eye ) and put her in the graue of an Angell which when Scoggin saw , he went to two of the simplest fellowes in the towne , that plaid the thrée Maries : and the Parson himselfe , plaid Christ with a banner in his hand . Then said Scoggin to the simple fellowes when the Angell asketh you whom you seeke ? you must say the Parsons lemman with one eye , so it fortuned that the time was come that they must play . and the Angell asked them whom they sought ? Marry quoth they , as Scoggin had taught them , wée seeke the Priestes lemman with one eye , which when the woman hearde , she arose out of the graue , and all to be scratched one of the poore fellowes by the face that plaid one of the thrée Maries : Whereupon hee soundly buffeted her about the eares , the priest seeing this threw down his banner and went to helpe his lemman , with that the other two fell vpon the Priest , the clearke likewise tooke the priests part , and many other of the parishioners on ehe contrary side , so that in short time the whole towne lay together by the eares in the middle of the Church , which when Scoggin perceiued he went his way out of the village and came no more there .

How Scoggin made the country people offer their money to a dead mans head .

VPon a time when Scoggin lacked maintenance and had gotten the displeasure of his former acquaintance by reason of his crafty deelings and vnhappy tricks ▪ he bethought himselfe in what manner he might get money with a litle labour , so trauelling vp into Normandie , he got him a Priestes gowne and clothed himselfe like a Scholler , and after went into a certaine Churchyard , where hee found the scull of a dead mans head , the which hee tooke vp and made very cleane , and after bore it to a Goldsmith , and hired him to set it in a stud of siluer , which being done , he departed to a village thereby , and came to the Parson of the Church , and saluted him , and then told him that he had a relique , and desired him that he would do so much for him , as to shew it vnto the Parish , that they may offer to it and withall promised the Parson that hee should haue the one halfe of the offeringes : The Parson moued with couetousnesse granted his request , and so vppon the Sunday following told his Parishionars thereof , saying that there was a certaine religious scholler come to the towne that had brought with him a pretious relique : and hée that would offer thereunto , should haue a generall pardon , for all his forepassed sinnes and that the Schotler , was there present himselfe to shew it them : with that Scoggin went vp into the pulpit , and shewed the people the relique that he had , and said to them that the Head spake to him , and that it bad him that hée should build a Church ouer him , and that the mony that the church should be builded withall should be well gotten : But when the people came to offer so it Scoggin said vnto them al you women that haue made your husbands cuckolds , I pray you sit still and come not teoffer , for the head had mee that I should not receiue your offerings , whereupon the poore men and their wiues came thicke & thréesould to this offering , and there was not a woman but she offered liberally , because that hee had said so , and he gaue them the blessing with the head : and there was some that had no money that offered their rings and some of them that offered twice or thrice because they would bee scene : Thus receiued he the offrings both of the good and the bad , and by this practise got a great summ of money : After this when they had all offred , and were departed home : Scoggin went to the parson and deuided the offering and gaue him a part thereof , where with the parson was well content : And the women there about made very much of Scoggin and maintained him along time amongst them .

How Scoggin deceiued a Vintner at Paris in France .

VPon a time after Scoggin was come vnto Paris the chiefe citie in France , hée heard tell of a wine , drawer that was so prond and arrogant in all his doings that few men could endure his company , and it was reported that there was no man that could deceiue him or ouerreach him by wit , wherupon Scogin thought in his minde how hée might deceiue him , & then he tooke 2. gallon bottles the one ful of water , & the other quite empty , the bottle of water he hid vnder his cloake that no man saw it , and so went with the empty bottle in his hand and gaue it the Vintner to fill with Wine , the which he did , and when it was full he brought it vp to Scoggin and gaue it him , and then in the meane time whilst the Vintner looked aside , Scoggin tooke the bottle of water from vnder his cloake and put the wine in the place , and then asked the price of it . Marry quoth the vintner it comes to eightéene pence , then qd Scoggin it is too deare for mée , for I haue but twelue pence in my purse , and so gaue him againe the bottle of water in stéed of the wine , the which hée tooke all in anger and bore it downe againe into the seller , and powred out the water into the vessell which he thought to be Wine , and then came and gaue Scoggin the empty bottele saying : make you me to fill wine , and haue no money to pay for it , belike you thinke to make me a foole , no quoth Scoggin you make a foole of your selfe , & with that word hee went away with the bottle of wine and drunk it merrily amongst his companions

How Scoggin got a twelue monthes boord of an Inne-keeper .

SCoggin remaining stil in Paris , was gretly beloued for his subtill wit & crafty deceites by which meanes he got such fauour of an-Inkéeper there , that he had meat drink , & lodging a whole yeere vpon credit , at the yeares ende , the Inkeper demanded his money or a surety for the payment thereof , the which Scoggin promised to do , so gathering his wits together for the discharge of his debt , Scoggin goes vnto a certaine doctor of Phisick , & said vnto him good sir this it is , mine host where I lie , and haue this 12. month , was taken this night with an euill spirit , now I desire you if you can by phisicke to helpe him thereof , and you shal be well rewarded maister doctor , that would by the helpe of God cure him therof , and that very shortly : but ( quoth Scoggin ) you must tary two or thrée daies before you take him in hand , for it may not be done in hast : therefore I wil goe fetch his wife , that shee may heare your promise , so Scoggin departed home to his boast , and tolde him that hee had found a suretie for his debt , and it was maister Doctor Dole a neighbour of his , whereof the Innekeeper was ioyfull and sent his wife with Scoggin to witnes Master Doctors promise , and being both come to his house , Scoggin said vnto him , and please you M. Doctor heare is the mans wife that I told you of , I pray you say vnto her as you said vnto me , marry that I will qd. he , and helpe her husband too , but I pray you good wife ( qd. the doctor ) let your husband be content for at 3. dayes end i le come to him and performe your request in all things . Vpon this promise away , went the woman with a merry heart to her husband , and tould him that Master Doctor at three daies ende would fulfill your desire vpon this , the Innekeeper reckoned with Scoggin , and so parted friendes . Now at the three dayes end hee sent his wife to the Doctor for this money , who came vnto him & asked him for the debt he had promised to pay for Scoggin . Why quoth the Doctor did your Husband bid you say these wordes to mee ? he did ( quoth shee ) then said the Doctor , that is the false diuell within him that would haue the money : then said she what false Diuell meane you ? giue me my money : Then said the Doctor , it was tolde mee that your husband was possessed with a Diuell , goe , bring him to mee and by the Grace of God I will helpe him , whereupon the woman all in an anger hies her home , and tels her husband of the Doctors speeches , who sitting then by the fire side , where meate was roasting : in a furie vp he gets , and takes spit and toast , and all , & runs to the doctors house like a mad-man , thinking to runne him through . The Doctor seeing him , was afraid , and called to his neighbours to helpe him to take the man that was so beset with the diuell . The Inkeeper still cryed knaue giue me my money : the Doctor still answered , auoide sathan : the neighbours they can betwixt them , and kept the Inkeeper from spitting the doctor . The subtilty of Scogin at last being brought to light , they held themselues satisfied , but as long as the Inkeeper liued hee asked still for his money , but the Doctor answered him still , that hee ought him nought , and naught hee would pay him , but alwaies said , if you be taken with a diuell , I shall helpe you therof , but neuer after loued they one another .

How Scoggin gaue a Dutchman a Purgation .

SCoggin trauelling betwéene Paris and Orleance in Fraunce he hapned to lodge in a countrey Inne where many Hollanders likewise lodged , & Scoggin brought with him two Egges which he roasted for to eate , for he was sickely and weary with trauell , and could eate no flesh , which when one of the Hollanders perceiued , he said vnto him is it euen to my friend , wil not your Hostesses meate serue you , but you must bring meate with you ? and with those worde he tooke the Egges and roundly supped them vp , and when hee had so done , he gaue Scoggin the shels againe , saying , hold here is thy boxe , but the reliques be gon whereat all the rest of the guests laughed heartily : and so did Scoggin himselfe , who in reuenge thereof , went presently into the next roome , and fetched a faire Apple and cut all the coate thereof , and put therein a strong purgation , and after roasted it in the fire , which being done , he cut in péeces vpon his frencher , and strewed it all ouer with the powder of Ginger , and so setting it vpon the Table he went his way as though he would haue fetched more : but assoone as he had turned his backe , the Hollander tooke the Apple and eate it in as great haste as he did the Egges before , and by and by , he fill to parbraking , and cast vp all in his belly , and was so sicke thereof , that the host , and all his guests thought that he would haue died of the Apple . Then said Scoggin to the guests , be not afraid of him , for it is but a little purgation that I haue giuen him , and the roasted apple I see is an enemy to the Egges , and will not let them rest in his maw , but that they must néedes come out againe , whereat the guestes made good sport and laughed heartily , when the purgation had wrought what it would the Hollander amended , and after said to Scoggin , roast , eate what thou wilt , & for i le neue eate any more with thée againe .

How Sooggin frighted his hoast with the skin of a dead Beare .

THE heast of the aforesaid Inne was a merrie disposed mocking fellow , and in a vaine glorie still commended his owne bolonesse , but so it fortuned the same night whilest Scoggin remained there , there came riding late in the euening three Marchants of Paris to the said Inne , but because it was very late ere they came there , the hoast of the house angerly asked them where they had beene so late , for ( quoth he ) it is no time now to take vp your Inne . Then the Marchants answered , be not angry sir I pray you , for we haue beene hunted with a wilde Beare , and could not escape him till euen now . Then quoth the Innekeeper in mockage to them , what a shame Gentlemen is it for you three to bee hunted with one Beare : Now I tell you what , if there came tenne Beares to me ( being but one ) in the field , I would haue slaike them euery one , and thus mocked hee the Marchants all supper while .

Scoggin sitting by the fire side , and hearing all this , after supper concluded with the Marchants , to ouer-reach the heast in his owne scoffes : whereupon Scoggin went into the towne and brought a Beares skin , that was but newly dead , and priuily brought it into his chamber : and when the Innekeeper and all his houshould were gone to bed , hee stuffed the Beares skinne with straw , and dressed him with stickes , to make it stand stiffe , and put two Childrens shooes in his mouth : and after set him vp in the Hall as though he had bene aliue : This rested till the middle of the night , and then Scoggin bad the Marchants call very earnestly for drinke , the which they did ▪ Whereupon the hoast called vp his maide to fetch them some , who lighted a Candle , and going into the hall ▪ she spyed the Beare with two childrens shooes in his mouth , wherewith shee was so frighted that she ranne downe into the Cale-house and hid her selfe , thinking that hee had eaten vp both her maisters children . Then called the Marchants againe for drinke , whereat the hoast commaunded him man to arise , who likewise going into the Hall and seeing the Beare , for feere let fall his Candle , and ranne into the Seller , thinking the Beare had eaten vp the maide .

Then called the Marchants the third time , and desired the hoast himselfe , to fetch them some drinke , for they said as yet that no body came or else to giue them a candle , and they would draw it themselues : with that the good man arose himselfe , for hée thought that both his man & his maide were fallen asleepe again , and then lighted hée a candle , and went likewise downe into the hall , where he spyed the Beare and was so frighted therewith , that he fell vnto the ground , and cride out mainely to the Marchants for helpe , saying . that the Beare had eaten both his man and his maide , who hearing their maister call for helpe , came vp sodainely to helpe , so did the Marchants who exceedingly laughed at this hardy man , that would haue slaine ten Beares , and yet was made affraide of one dead Beares skin : when the Inne-keeper saw that it was done in mockerie , hee was so ashamed that he wist not what to say , and so went to bed : and then in the morning arose the Marchants and paid their charges , and so rode their wayes , and after this , neuer would the Inne-keeper boast of his manhood any more .

How Scoggin answered to all manner of questions that was asked him .

AFter this Scoggin came vnto the citie of Cane in Normandie where William the Conquerour King of England was buried , and there set vp bils vp and downe the towne , vpon euery poast and Church doore , that hee would giue a right answere to euery question that was put vnto him : whereupon came many learned men vnto him : whereof there was one that asked him how many Gallons of water was in the Sea ? Then answered Scoggin , Stop all the Riuers that do run into it and then I will measure it , and tell you iustly how many gallons there hee : then thought the other that it was impossible to do , and so was content with that answere : Then asked hee Scoggin another Question , which was this . How many dayes were past since Adams creation till this time ? Marry qd Scoggin there be but seauen dayes past : for when the wéeke is done , beginneth still another seauen dayes , and so foorth to the end of the world . Then said the other , now fell and the third question , which is ? Where is the middle of the world ? then answered Scoggin to him : That is here in the middle of this house : for if you will not beleeue mee , take a coard and measure it : whereat the proposer grew angry , and asked him how farre was the earth from heauen ? Why quoth Scoggin that is hereby , let mee sing neuer so softly : here , but it is heard in heauen , and if you will not beleeue me : take a Ladder and goe vp into heauen , and I will here speake very softly : and then if you heare it not I will loose my credit . Then quoth the other , how wide is heauen ? and how broad is it ? Why quoth Scoggin , it is twelue thousand mile broad : and ten thousand mile wide , and if you will not beleeue mee then must you goe take the Sunne , the Moone , and all the starres , and we measure them , and if you finde it not as I say . I will giue the maistery to you : with that the learned man knew not what to say to Scoggin , but that he was to craftie for them , and to gaue him the victory and praise .

Of the merry talke a country-woman had with Scoggin .

AFter this Scoggin was estéemed in all places for a most wise and sencible man , and the better beloued of the people , because he loued to sport and iest , and would take it in good part to be iested withall : vpon a time one came vnto him , and in this meanes said vnto him , Sir this it is , you are a man of great wisdome and therefore I come to craue your aduise in a matter of great waight : I haue a sonne that is twenty yeare olde and better , and hath gone a yeare to Schoole in our Parish , therefore I would haue your counsell how I might doe to haue him made Priest , but I feare me the Pope will not suffer him by reason of one thing that he hath not , which will be great hinderance to him Scoggin takeing pleasure in the womans simplicitie , saide vnto her , what is it good wife ? Sir so it is that hee hath not : what is that he hath not ▪ said he , ha good sic , said she , he hath not . I dare not tell it , for you know well enough what men carry ? hath he no long hose ? no , ( quoth shée ) it is not that I would speake , sir he hath nothing : you understand me well enough , yet in the ende she said vnto him , and please you sir , when he was a little Boy , he fell of a ladder and so brake them , that hée was faine to bée gelded and had it not bene for that mischance , I would haue married him , for he is the tallest of my children , ( in faith ) said Scoggin that is a smal fault , and wil be no hinderance to him to be made a priest ▪ but yet sir , there is another thing that wil be hie hinderance , which is , he can speake no latine : for that let me alone is teach him , therefore good wife when you please send him to me and I wil prouide him latine enough : whereupon the poore woman gaue him great thankes and so she departed away .

How Scoggin taught a French-man Latin to carry him to the Pope .

THis young clownish Frenchman being a Norman borne , by his mothers apointment came vnto Scoggin , and told him that he had a desire to become one of the Church , but hee could write and reade very little , neuerthelesse hauing hard say , that money made all , he breake him mind vnto maister Scoggin asking his counsell how to rule and gouerne himselfe in this matter , marry , quoth Scoggin the Pope ( when thou commest to be admitted Priest ) cannot vnderstand thy Naturall speach , I will learne thee to speake so much Latine as shall serue thy turne when thou art before him , which being well placed , he shall thinke thee to bee a profound Scholler . The Frenchman was very glad to heare these tidings , so that in all hast he would needs know these three wordes , Friend , saith Scoggin , so soone as thou art come before the Pope , thou shalt fall downe vpon thy knees ▪ saying , Salue sancte Pater : Then he will aske thee in lattine , Vnde es tu ? that is to say , of whence art thou ? Thou shalt answere him , De Normania : then he wil aske thee , Vbi sunt litterae tuae thou shalt say vnto him , In Mentica mea , and presently without any more adoe thou shalt be made a Priest : whereupon the Frenchman being so merry and iocund that he remained fiftéene dayes with Scoggin to learne these thrée Latine words , and when he thought that he had learned them well , he tooke his iourney towards Rome , & by the way he did nothing but repeat his Lattine , but in repeating it so often he forgat the first word , Salue sancte Pater : And knew not how to learne it againe , nor where to finde a man could do it : But see the lucke of it : he chaunced vpon a Saturday morning to come into a church to pray , where ▪ as he heard them sing the Masse of our Lady , which was salue sancte parens , wherunto the Frenchman gaue eare : now God be praised and our blessed Ladie , said he , I haue found my Latine againe , and so set forward with his Latin , salue sacte parens , thinking it to be the right . And at length he came to Rome , before the Pope , & did his reuerence vpon his knees , saying vnto him , Salue sancte parens , the pope said vnto him Ego non sum mater Christi : The Frenchman answered : De Normania : The Pope grew angry , and said Daemonium habes ? in manica mea , answered the Frenchman : and therewithall he put his hand into his sleeue to pull out his lettrrs , the Pope began to be afraid , thinking he would haue pulled the diuell out of his sleeue , and ran away as fast as his legs would beare him . Thus was our poore ge●●ed Frenchman disappointed of his priesthood , who for very griefe within a while after died and was buried by a company of Friers of the holy order .

How Scoggin cousoned the Friers in Rome .

PResently vpon the Frenchmans iourney to Rome , Scoggin left Fraunce , and likewise went to see Rome : where he was no sooner come , but inquiring of the Frenchmans proceedings , who had intelligence that he was dead for griefe , whereupon Scoggin in a mockery , went to a certaine company of gray Friers , who made them beleeue that the Frenchmans soule was in Purgatorie , and if hée would giue them ten Duckets they , would redeeme him from thence , the which he earnestly promised : Whereupon the Friers fell all to their charmes and solemne masses , to redéeme as they relieued the poore Frenchmans soule out of purgatorie : which being done as they thought , they came to demand their ten Duckets of Scoggin , who asked them if there was any danger of his returne againe to purgatory , being once by their good prayers deliuered from thence : They answered no ? Why then quoth Scoggin , it were a néedlesse charitie to giue any thing to him , that is alreadie in safety , and therefore I thinke it good policy to keep my money in store to pleasure some other poore soule not yet deliuered , and so sent them away fasting without their money .

How Scoggin sate at the Popes table .

WIthin a month after Scoggins arriuall in Rome , he got so much fauour that he was vpon a time bidden to supper by the Pope himselfe , and being in the midst of their Iunkets , the Pope asked his seruitors for the peacocke that was dressed for his dinner , which hee commanded to be kept for his supper , which not being done according he grew into a great rage for it . Scoggin sitting then by him at board perswaded his holinesse not to bee angry : To whom the Pope replyed , saying : If God were so highly offended in Paradice , for casting out our old father Adam from thence , and onely for eating an Apple : why should not I , being his vicar on earth be more furious for a peacocke , knowing how farre it is in value aboue a rotten Apple .