A most pleasaunt and excellent conceited comedie, of Syr Iohn Falstaffe, and the merrie wiues of Windsor Entermixed with sundrie variable and pleasing humors, of Syr Hugh the Welch knight, Iustice Shallow, and his wise cousin M. Slender. With the swaggering vaine of Auncient Pistoll, and Corporall Nym. By William Shakespeare. As it hath bene diuers times acted by the right Honorable my Lord Camberlaines seruants. Both before her Maiestie, and else-where.

A pleasant conceited Comedie , of Syr Iohn Falstaffe , and the merry Wiues of Windsor . Enter Iustice Shallow ; Syr Hugh , Maister Page , and Slender . Shal. NEre talke to me , I le make a star-chamber matter of it . The Councell shall know it . Pag. Nay good maister Shallow be perswaded by mee . Slen. Nay surely my vncle shall not put it vp so . Sir Hu. Wil you not heare reasons M. Slenders ? You should heare reasons . Shal. Tho he be a knight , he shall not thinke to carrie it so away . M. Page I will not be wronged . For you Syr , I loue you , and for my cousen He comes to looke vpon your daughter . Pa. And here s my hand , and if my daughter Like him so well as I , wee 'l quickly haue it a match : In the meane time let me intreat you to soiourne Here a while . And on my life I le vndertake To make you friends . Sir Hu. I pray you M. Shallowes let it be so . The matter is pud to arbitarments . The first man is M. Page , videlicet M. Page . The second is my selfe , videlicet my selfe . And the third and last man , is mine host of the gartyr . Enter Syr Iohn Falstaffe , Pistoll , Bardolfe , and Nim. Here is sir Iohn himselfe now , looke you . Fal. Now M. Shallow , you le complaine of me to the Councell , I heare ? Shal. Sir Iohn , sir Iohn , you haue hurt my keeper , Kild my dogs , stolne my deere . Fal. But not kissed your keepers daughter . Shal. Well this shall be answered . Fal. I le answere it strait . I haue done all this . This is now answred . Shal. Well , the Councell shall know it . Fal. T were better for you t were knowne in counsell , You le be laught at . Sir Hu. Good vrdes sir Iohn , good vrdes . Fal. Good vrdes , good Cabidge . Slender I brake your head , What matter haue you against mee ? Slen.

I haue matter in my head against you and your cogging companions , Pistoll and Nym. They carried mee to the Tauerne and made mee drunke , and afterward picked my pocket .

Fal.

What say you to this Pistoll , did you picke Maister Slenders purse Pistoll ?

Slen.

I by this handkercher did he . Two faire shouell boord shillings , besides seuen groats in mill sixpences .

Fal. What say you to this Pistoll ? Pist. Sir Iohn , and Maister mine , I combat craue Of this same laten bilbo . I do retort the lie Euen in thy gorge , thy gorge , thy gorge . Slen. By this light it was he then . Nym. Syr my honor is not for many words , But if you run bace humors of me , I will say mary trap . And there 's the humor of it . Fal. You heare these matters denide gentlemen , You heare it . Enter Mistresse Foord , Mistresse Page , and her daughter Anne . Pa. No more now , I thinke it be almost dinner time , For my wife is come to meet vs . Fal. Mistresse Foord , I thinke your name is , If I mistake not . Syr Iohn kisses her . Mis. Ford.

Your mistake sir is nothing but in the Mistresse . But my husbands name is Foord sir.

Fal. I shall desire your more aequaintance . The like of you good misteris Page . Mis. Pa. With all my hart sir Iohn . Come husband will you goe ? Dinner staies for vs . Pa. With all my hart , come along Gentlemen . Exit all , but Slender and mistresse Anne . Anne . Now forsooth why do you stay me ? What would you with me ? Slen.

Nay for my owne part , I would litle or nothing with you . I loue you well , and my vncle can tell you how my liuing stands . And if you can loue me why so . If not , why then happie man be his dole .

An. You say well M. Slender . But first you must giue me leaue to Be acquainted with your humor , And afterward to loue you if I can . Slen.

Why by God , there 's neuer a man in christendome can desire more . What haue you Beares in your Towne mistresse Anne , your dogs barke so ?

An.

I cannot tell M. Slender , I thinke there be .

Slen.

Ha how say you ? I warrant your afeard of a Beare let loose , are you not ?

An.

Yes trust me .

Slen. Now that 's meate and drinke to me , I le run yon to a Beare , and take her by the mussell , You neuer saw the like . But indeed I cannot blame you , For they are maruellous rough things . An. Will you goe in to dinner M. Slendor ? The meate staies for you . Slen. No faith not I. I thanke you , I cannot abide the smell of hot meate Nere since I broke my shin . I le tel you how it came By my troth . A Fencer and I plaid three venies For a dish of stewd prunes , and I with my ward Defending my head , he hot my shin . Yes faith . Enter Maister Page . Pa. Come , come Maister Slender , dinner staies for you . Slen. I can eate no meate , I thanke you . Pa. You shall not choose I say . Slen. I le follow you sir , pray leade the way . Nay be God misteris Anne , you shall goe first , I haue more manners then so , I hope . An. Well sir , I will not be troublesome . Exit omnes . Enter sir Hugh and Simple , from dinner . Sir Hu.

Hark you Simple , pray you beare this letter to Doctor Cayus house , the French Doctor . He is twell vp along the street , and enquire of his house for one mistris Quickly , his woman , or his try nurse , and deliuer this Letter to her , it t is about Maister Slender . Looke you , will you do it now ?

Sim. I warrant you Sir . Sir Hu. Pray you do , I must not be absent at the grace . I will goe make an end of my dinner , There is pepions and cheese behinde . Exit omnes . Enter sir Iohn Falstaffes Host of the Garter , Nym , Bardolfe , Pistoll , and the boy . Fal. Mine Host of the Garter . Host. What ses my bully Rooke ? Speake schollerly and wisely . Fal. Mine Host , I must turne away some of my followers . Host. Discard bully , Hercules cassire . Let them wag , trot , trot . Fal. I sit at ten pound a weeke . Host. Thou art an Emperour Caesar , Phesser and Kesar bully . I le entertaine Bardolfe . He shall tap , he shall draw . Said I well , bully Hector ? Fal. Do good mine Host. Host. I haue spoke . Let him follow . Bardolfe Let me see thee froth , and lyme . I am at A word . Follow , follow . Exit Host. Fal. Do Bardolfe , a Tapster is a good trade , An old cloake will make a new Ierkin , A withered seruingman , a fresh Tapster : Follow him Bardolfe . Bar. I will sir , I le warrant you I le make a good shift to liue . Exit Bardolfe . Pis. O bace gongarian wight , wilt thou the spicket willd ? Nym. His minde is not heroick . And there s the humor of it . Fal. Well my Laddes , I am almost out at the heeles . Pis. Why then let cybes insue . Nym. I thanke thee for that humor . Fal. Well I am glad I am so rid of this tinder Boy . His stealth was too open , his filching was like An vnskilfull singer , he kept not time . Nym. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest . Pis. T is so indeed Nym , thou hast hit it right . Fal. Well , afore God , I must cheat , I must cony-catch . Which of you knowes Foord of this Towne ? Pis. I ken the wight , he is of substance good . Fal. Well my honest Lads , I le tell you what I am about . Pis. Two yards and more . Fal. No gibes now Pistoll : indeed I am two yards In the wast , but now I am about no wast : Briefly , I am about thrift you rogues you , I do intend to make loue to Foords wife , I espie entertainment in her . She carues , she Discourses . She giues the lyre of inuitation , And euery part to be constured rightly is , I am Syr Iohn Falstaffes . Pis. He hath studied her well , out of honestie Into English . Fal. Now the report goes , she hath all the rule Of her husbands purse . She hath legians of angels . Pis. As many diuels attend her . And to her boy say I. Fal.

Heree's a Letter to her . Heere s another to misteris Page .

Who euen now gaue me good eies too , examined my exteriors with such a greedy intention , with the beames of her beautie , that it seemed as she would a scorged me vp like a burning glasse . Here is another Letter to her , shee beares the purse too . They shall be Excheckers to me , and I le be cheaters to them both . They shall be my East and West Indies , and I le trade to them both . Heere beare thou this Letter to mistresse Foord . And thou this to mistresse Page . Wee le thriue Lads , we will thriue .

Pist. Shall I sir Panderowes of Troy become ? And by my sword were steele . Then Lucifer take all . Nym. Here take your humor Letter againe , For my part , I will keepe the hauior Of reputation . And there s the humor of it . Fal. Here sirrha beare me these Letters titely , Saile like my pinnice to the golden shores : Hence slaues , avant . Vanish like hailstones , goe . Falstaffe will learne the humor of this age , French thrift you rogue , my selfe and scirted Page . Exit Falstaffe , and the Boy . Pis. And art thou gone ? Teaster I le haue in pouch When thou shalt want , bace Phrygian Turke . Nym. I haue operations in my head , which are humors of reuenge . Pis. Wilt thou reuenge ? Nym. By Welkin and her Fairies . Pis. By wit , or sword ? Nym.

With both the humors I will disclose this loue to Page . I le poses him with Iallowes ,

And there s the humor of it .

Pis. And I to Foord will likewise tell How Falstaffe varlot vilde , Would haue her loue , his doue would proue , And eke his bed defile . Nym. Let vs about it then . Pis. I le second thee : sir Corporall Nym troope on . Exit omnes . Enter Mistresse Quickly , and Simple . Quic. M. Slender is your Masters name say you ? Sim. I indeed that is his name . Quic. How say you ? I take it hee is somewhat a weakly man : And he has as it were a whay coloured beard . Sim. Indeed my maisters beard is kane colored . Quic. Kane colour , you say well . And is this Letter from sir Yon , about Misteris An , Is it not ? Sim. I indeed is it . Quic.

So : and your Maister would haue me as it t were to speak to misteris Anne concerning him : I promise you my M. hath a great affectioned mind to mistresse Anne himselfe . And if he should know that I should as they say , giue my verdit for any one but himselfe , I should heare of it throughly : For I tell you friend , he puts all his priuities in me .

Sim. I by my faith you are a good staie to him . Quic. Am I ? I and you knew all yowd say so : Washing , brewing , baking , all goes through my hands , Or else it would be but a woe house . Sim. I be shrow me , one woman to do all this , Is very painfull . Quic. Are you auised of that ? I , I warrant you , Take all , and paie all , all goe through my hands , And he is such a honest man , and he should chance To come home and finde a man here , we should Haue no who with him . He is a parlowes man . Sim. Is he indeed ? Quic. Is he quoth you ? God keepe him abroad : Lord blesse me , who knocks there ? For Gods sake step into the Counting house , While I goe see whose at doore . He steps into the Counting-house . What Iohn Rugby , Iohn , Are you come home sir alreadie ? And she opens the doore . Doct. I begar I be forget my oyntment , Where be Iohn Rugby ? Enter Iohn . Rug. Here sir , do you call ? Doc. I you be Iohn Rugbie , and you be lack Rugby Goe run vp met your heeles , and bring away De oyntment in de vindoe present : Make hast Iohn Rugbie . O I am almost forget My simples in a boxe in de Counting-house : O Ieshu vat be here , a deuella , a deuella ? My Rapier Iohn Rugby , Vat be you , vat make You in my Counting-house ? I tinck you be a teefe . Quic. Ieshu blesse me , we are all vndone . Sim. O Lord sir no : I am no theefe , I am a Seruingman : My name is Iohn Simple , I brought a Letter sir From my M. Slender , about misteris Anne Page Sir : Indeed that is my comming . Doc. I begar is dat all ? Iohn Rugby giue a ma pen An Inck : tarche vn pettit tarche a little . The Doctor writes . Sim. O God what a furious man is this ? Quic. Nay it is well he is no worse : I am glad he is so quiet . Doc. Here giue dat same to sir Hu , it ber ve chalenge Begar tell him I will cut his nase , will you ? Sim. I sir , I le tell him so . Doc. Dat be vell , my Rapier Iohn Rugby , follow may , Exit Doctor . Quic. Well my friend , I cannot tarry , tell your Maister I le doo what I can for him , And so farewell . Sim. Mary will I , I am glad I am got hence . Exit omnes . Enter Mistresse Page , reading of a Letter . Mis. Pa. Mistresse Page I loue you . Aske me no reason , Because theyr impossible to alledge . Your faire , And I am fat . You loue sack , so do I : As I am sure I haue no mind but to loue , So I know you haue no hart but to grant A souldier doth not vse many words , where a knowes A letter may serue for a sentence . I loue you , And so I leaue you . Yours Syr Iohn Falstaffe .

Now Ieshu blesse me , am I methomorphised ?

I thinke I knowe not my selfe . Why what a Gods name doth this man see in me , that thus he shootes at my honestie ? Well but that I knowe my owne heart , I should scarcely perswade my selfe I were hand . Why what an vnreasonable woolsack is this . He was neuer twice in my companie , and if then I thought I gaue such assurance with my eies , I de pul them out , they should neuer see more holie daies . Well , I shall trust fat men the worse while I liue for his sake . O God that I knew how to be reuenged of him . But in good time , heere s mistresse Foord .

Enter Mistresse Foord . Mis. For. How now Mistris Page , are you reading Loue Letters ? How do you woman ? Mis. Pa. O woman I am I know not what : In loue vp to the hard eares . I was neuer in such a case in my life . Mis. Ford. In loue , now in the name of God with whom ? Mis. Pa. With one that sweares he loues me , And I must not choose but do the like againe : I prethie looke on that Letter . Mis. For. I le match your letter iust with the like , Line for line , word for word . Only the name Of misteris Page , and misteris Foord disagrees : Do me the kindnes to looke vpon this . Mis. Pa. Why this is right my letter . O most notorious villaine ! Why what a bladder of iniquitie is this ? Let s be reuenged what so ere we do . Mis. For. Reuenged , if we liue wee l be reuenged . O Lord if my husband should see this Letter , I faith this would euen giue edge to his Iealousie . Enter Ford , Page , Pistoll and Nym. Mis. Pa. See where our husbands are , Mine 's as far from Iealousie , As I am from wronging him . Pis. Ford the words I speake are forst : Beware , take heed , for Falstaffe loues thy wife : When Pistoll lies do this . Ford. Why sir my wife is not young . Pis. He wooes both yong and old , both rich and poore None comes amis . I say he loues thy wife : Faire warning did I giue , take heed , For sommer comes , and Cuckoo birds appeare : Page belieue him what he ses . Away sir Corporall Nym. Exit Pistoll : Nym. Syr the humor of it is , he loues your wife , I should ha borne the humor Letter to her : I speake and I auouch t is true : My name is Nym. Farwell , I loue not the humor of bread and cheese : And there s the humor of it . Exit Nym. Pa. The humor of it , quoth you : Here s a fellow frites humor out of his wits . Mis. Pa. How now sweet hart , how dost thou ? Enter Mistresse Quickly . Pa. How now man ? How do you mistris Ford ? Mis. For. Well I thanke you good M. Page . How now husband , how chaunce thou art so melancholy ? Ford. Melancholy , I am not melancholy . Goe get you in , goe . Mis. For. God saue me , see who yonder is : Wee le set her a worke in this businesse . Mis. Pa. O shee le serue excellent . Now you come to see my daughter An I am sure . Quic. I forsooth that is my comming . Mis. Pa. Come go in with me . Come Mis. Ford. Mis. For. I follow you Mistresse Page . Exit Mistresse Ford , Mis. Page , and Quickly . For. M. Page did you heare what these fellowes said ? Pa. Yes M. Ford , what of that sir ? For. Do you thinke it is true that they told vs ? Pa. No by my troth do I not , I rather take them to be paltry lying knaues , Such as rather speakes of enuie , Then of any certaine they haue Of any thing . And for the knight , perhaps He hath spoke merrily , as the fashion of fat men Are : But should he loue my wife , I faith I de turne her loose to him : And what he got more of her , Then ill lookes , and shrowd words , Why let me beare the penaltie of it . For. Nay I do not mistrust my wife , Yet I de be loth to turne them together , A man may be too confident . Enter Host and Shallow . Pa. Here comes my ramping host of the garter , Ther 's either licker in his hed , or mony in his purse , That he lookes so merily . Now mine Host ? Host. God blesse you my bully rookes , God blesse you . Cauelera Iustice I say . Shal. At hand mine host , at hand . M. Ford god den to you . God den an twentie good M. Page . I tell you sir we haue sport in hand . Host. Tell him cauelira Iustice : tell him bully rooke . Ford. Mine Host a the garter : Host. What ses my bully rooke ? Ford. A word with you sir. Ford and the Host talkes . Shal. Harke you sir , I le tell you what the sport shall be , Doctor Cayus and sir Hu are to fight , My merrie Host hath had the measuring Of their weapons , and hath Appointed them contrary places . Harke in your eare : Host : Hast thou no shute against my knight , My guest , my cauellira : For. None I protest : But tell him my name Is Brooke , onlie for a Iest. Host : My hand bully : Thou shalt Haue egres and regres , and thy Name shall be Brooke : Sed I well bully Hector ? Shal. I tell you what M. Page , I beleeue The Doctor is no Iester , hee le laie it on : For tho we be Iustices and Doctors , And Church men , yet we are The sonnes of women M. Page : Pa: True maister Shallow : Shal : It will be found so maister Page : Pa. Maister Shallow you your selfe Haue bene a great fighter , Tho now a man of peace : Shal : M. Page I haue seene the day that yong Tall fellowes with their stroke & their passado , I haue made them trudge Maister Page , A t is the hart , the hart doth all : I Haue seene the day , with my two hand sword I would a made you foure tall Fencers Scipped like Rattes . Host. Here boyes , shall we wag , shall we wag ? Shal. Ha with you mine host . Exit Host and Shallow . Pa. Come M. Ford , shall we to dinner ? I know these fellowes sticks in your minde . For. No in good sadnesse not in mine : Yet for all this I le try it further , I will not leaue it so : Come M. Page , shall we to dinner ? Pa. With all my hart sir , I le follow you . Exit omnes . Enter Syr Iohn , and Pistoll . Fal. I le not lend thee a peny . Pis. I will retort the sum in equipage . Fal.

Not a pennie : I haue beene content you shuld lay my countenance to pawne : I haue grated vpon my good friends for 3. repriues , for you and your Coach-fellow Nym , else you might a looked thorow a grate like a geminy of babones . I am damned in hell for swearing to Gentlemen your good souldiers and tall fellowes : And when mistrisse Briget lost the handle of her Fan , I tooked on my hothou hadst it not .

Pis. Didst thou not share ? hadst thou not fifteene pence ? Fal.

Reason you rogue , reason . Doest thou thinke I le indanger my soule gratis ? In briefe , hang no more about mee , I am no gybit for you . A short knife and a throng to your manner of pickt hatch , goe . You le not beare a Letter for me you rogue you : you stand vpon your honor . Why thou vnconfinable basenesse thou , t is as much as I can do to keep the termes of my honor precise . I , I my selfe sometimes , leauing the feare of God on the left hand , am faine to shuffel , to filch & to lurch . And yet you stand vpon your honor , you rogue . You , you .

Pis. I do recant : what woulst thou more of man ? Fal. Well , gotoo , away , no more . Enter Mistresse Quickly . Quic. Good you god den sir. Fal. Good den faire wife . Quic. Not so ant like your worship . Fal. Faire mayd then . Quic. That I am I le be sworne , as my mother was The first houre I was borne . Sir I would speake with you in priuate . Fal. Say on I prethy , heere s none but my owne houshold . Quic. Are they so ? Now God blesse them , and make them his seruants . Syr I come from Mistresse Foord . Fal. So from Mistresse Foord . Goeon . Quic. I sir , she hath sent me to you to let you Vnderstand she hath receiued your Letter , And let me tell you , she is one stands vpon her credit . Fal. Well , come Misteris Ford , Misteris Ford. Quic. I sir , and as they say , she is not the first Hath bene led in a fooles paradice . Fal. Nay prethy be briefe my good she Mercury . Quic. Mary sir , shee l haue you meet her between eight and nine . Fal. So betweene eight and nine : Quic. I forsooth , for then her husband goes a birding , Fal. Well commend me to thy mistris , tel her I will not faile her : Boy giue her my purse . Quic. Nay sir I haue another arant to do to you From misteris Page : Fal. From misteris Page ? I prethy what of her ? Quic. By my troth I think you work by Inchantments , Els they could neuer loue you as they doo : Fal. Not I , I assure thee : setting the atraction of my Good parts aside , I vse no other inchantments : Quic. Well sir , she loues you extreemly : And let me tell you , shee s one that feares God , And her husband giues her leaue to do all : For he is not halfe so iealousie as M. Ford is . Fal. But harke thee , hath misteris Page & mistris Ford , Acquainted each other how dearly they loue me ? Quic. O God no sir : there were a iest indeed . Fal. Well farwel , commend me to misteris Ford , I will not faile her say . Quic. God be with your worship . Exit Mistresse Quickly . Enter Bardolfe . Bar. Sir heer 's a Gentleman , One M. Brooke , would speak with you , He hath sent you a cup of sacke . Fal. M. Brooke , hee s welcome : Bid him come vp , Such Brookes are alwaies welcome to me : A Iack , will thy old bodie yet hold out ? Wilt thou after the expence of so much mony Be now a gainer ? Good bodie I thanke thee , And I le make more of thee then I ha done : Ha , ha , misteris Ford , and misteris Page , haue I caught you a the hip ? go too . Enter Foord disguised like Brooke . For. God saue you sir. Fal. And you too , would you speak with me ? Fal. Mary would I sir , I am somewhat bolde to trouble you , My name is Brooke . Fal. Good M. Brooke your verie welcome . For. I faith sir I am a gentleman and a traueller , That haue seen somewhat . And I haue often heard That if mony goes before , all waies lie open . Fal. Mony is a good souldier sir , and will on . For. I faith sir , and I haue a bag here , Would you wood helpe me to beare it . Fal. O Lord , would I could tell how to deserue To be your porter . For. That may you easily sir Iohn : I haue an earnest Sute to you . But good sir Iohn when I haue Told you my griefe , cast one eie of your owne Estate , since your selfe knew what t is to be Such an offender . Fal. Verie well sir , proceed . For. Sir I am deeply in loue with one Fords wife Of this Towne . Now sir Iohn you are a gentleman Of good discoursing , well beloued among Ladies , A man of such parts that might win 20. such as she . Fal. O good sir. For. Nay beleeue it sir Iohn , for t is time . Now my loue Is so grounded vpon her , that without her loue I shall hardly liue . Fal. Haue you importuned her by any means ? Ford. No neuer Sir . Fal. Of what qualitie is your loue then ? Ford. I faith sir , like a faire house set vpon Another mans foundation . Fal. And to what end haue you vnfolded this to me ? For. O sir , when I haue told you that , I told you all : For she sir stands so pure in the firme state Of her honestie , that she is too bright to be looked Against : Now could I come against her With some detection , I should sooner perswade her From her marriage vow , and a hundred such nice Tearmes that shee le stand vpon . Fal. Why would it apply well to the veruensie of your affection , That another should possesse what you would enioy ? Meethinks you prescribe verie proposterously To your selfe . For.

No sir , for by that meanes should I be certaine of that which I now misdoubt .

Fal. Well M. Brooke , I le first make bold with your mony , Next , giue me your hand . Lastly , you shall And you will , enioy Fords wife . For. O good sir. Fal. M. Brooke , I say you shall . Ford. Want no mony Syr Iohn , you shall want none . Fal. Want no Misteris Ford M. Brooke , You shall want none . Euen as you came to me , Her spokes mate , her go between parted from me : I may tell you M. Brooke , I am to meet her Between 8. and 9. for at that time the Iealous Cuckally knaue her husband wil be from home , Come to me soone at night , you shall know how I speed M. Brooke . Ford. Sir do you know Ford ? Fal. Hang him poore cuckally knaue , I know him not , And yet I wrong him to call him poore . For they Say the cuckally knaue hath legions of angels , For the which his wife seemes to me well fauored , And I le vse her as the key of the cuckally knaues Coffer , and there 's my randeuowes . Ford. Meethinkes sir it were very good that you knew Ford , that you might shun him . Fal. Hang him cuckally knaue , I le stare him Out of his wits , I le keepe him in awe With this my cudgell : It shall hang like a meator Ore the wittolly knaues head , M. Brooke thou shalt See I will predominate ore the peasant , And thou shalt lie with his wife . M. Brooke Thou shalt know him for knaue and cuckold , Come to me soone at night . Exit Falstaffe . Ford. What a damned epicurian is this ? My wife hath sent for him , the plot is laid : Page is an Asse , a foole . A secure Asse , I le sooner trust an Irishman with my Aquauita bottle , Sir Hu our parson with my cheese , A theefe to walk my ambling gelding , them my wife With her selfe : then she plots , then she ruminates , And what she thinkes in her hart she may effect , Shee le breake her hart but she will effect it . God be praised , God be praised for my iealousie : Well I le goe preuent him , the time drawes on , Better an houre too soone , then a minit too late , Gods my lise cuckold , cuckold . Exit Ford. Enter the Doctor and his man . Doc. Iohn Rugbie goe looke met your eies ore de stall , And spie and you can see de parson . Rug. Sir I cannot tell whether he be there or no , But I see a great many comming . Doc. Bully moy , mon rapier Iohn Rugabie , begar Hearing be not so dead as I shall make him . de Enter Shallow , Page , my Host , and Slender . Pa. God saue you M. Doctor Cayus . Shal. How do you M. Doctor ? Host. God blesse thee my bully doctor , God blesse thee , Doc. Vat be all you , Van to tree com for , a ? Host.

Bully to see thee fight , to see thee foine , to see thee trauerse , to see thee here , to see thee there , to see thee passe the punto . The stock , the reuerse , the distance : the montnce is a dead my francoyes ? Is a dead my Ethiopian ? Ha what ses my gallon ? my escuolapis ? Is a dead bullies taile , is a dead ?

Doc. Begar de preest be a coward Iack knaue , He dare not shew his face . Host. Thou art a castallian king vrinall . Hector of Greece my boy . Shal. He hath showne himselfe the wiser man M. Doctor : Sir Hugh is a Parson , and you a Phisition . You must Goe with me M. Doctor . Host. Pardon bully Iustice . A word monsire mockwater . Doc. Mockwater , vat me dat ? Host. That is in our English tongue , Vallorbully , vallor . Doc. Begar den I haue as mockuater as de Inglish Iack dog , knaue . Host. He will claperclaw thee titely bully . Doc. Claperclawe , vat be dat ? Host. That is , he will make thee amends . Doc. Begar I do looke he shal claperclaw me den , And I le prouoke him to do it , or let him wag : And moreouer bully , but M. Page and M. Shallow , And eke cauellira Slender , go you all ouer the fields to Frogmore ? Pa. Sir Hugh is there , is hee ? Host. He is there : goe see what humor hee is in , I le bring the Doctor about by the fields : Will it do well ? Shal. We wil do it my host . Farwel M. Doctor . Exit all but the Host and Doctor . Doc. Begar I will kill de cowardly Iack preest , He is make a foole of moy . Host. Let him die , but first fheth your impatience , Throw cold water on your collor , com go with me Through the fields to Frogmore , and I le bring thee Where mistris An Page is a feasting at a farm house , And thou shalt wear hir cried game : sed I wel bully Doc.

Begar excellent vel : and if you speak pour moy , I shall procure you de gesse of all de gentelmen mon patinces . I begar I sall .

Host. For the which I le be thy aduersary To misteris An Page : Sed I well ? Doc. I begar excellent . Host. Let vs wag then . Doc. Alon , alon , alon . Exit omnes . Enter Syr Hugh and Simple . Sir Hu. I pray you do so much as see if you can espie Doctor Cayus comming , and giue me intelligence , Or bring me vrde if you please now . Sim. I will Sir . Sir Hu. Ieshu ples mee , how my hart trobes , and trobes , And then she made him bedes of Roses , And a thousand fragrant poses , To shallow riueres . Now so kad vdge me , my hart Swelles more and more . Mee thinkes I can cry Verie well . There dwelt a man in Babylon , To shallow riuers and to falles , Melodious birds sing Madrigalles . Sim. Sir here is M. Page , and M. Shallow , Comming hither as fast as they can . Sir Hu. Then it is verie necessary I put vp my sword , Pray giue me my cowne too , marke you . Enter Page , shallow , and Slender . Pa. God saue you Sir Hugh . Shal. God saue you M. parson . Sir Hu. God plesse you all from his mercies sake now . Pa. What the word and the sword , doth that agree well ? Sir Hu. There is reasons and causes in all things , I warrant you now . Pa. Well Sir Hugh , we are come to craue Your helpe and furtherance in a matter . Sir Hu. What is I pray you ? Pa.

I faith t is this sir Hugh . There is an anncient friend of ours , a man of verie good sort , so at oddes with one patience , that I am sure you would hartily grieue to see him . Now Sir Hugh , you are a scholler well red , and verie perswasiue , we would intreate you to see if you could intreat him to patience .

Sir Hu. I pray you who is it ? Let vs know that . Pa. I am shure you know him , t is Doctor Cayus . Sir Hu. I had as leeue you should tel me of a messe of poredge , He is an arant lowsie beggerly knaue : And he is a coward beside . Pa. Why I le laie my life t is the man That he should fight withall . Enter Doctor and the Host , they offer to fight . Shal. Keep them asunder , take away their weapons . Host. Disarme , let them question . Shal. Let them keep their limbs hole , and hack our English . Doc. Hark van vrd in your eare . You be vn daga And de Iack , coward preest . Sir Hu.

Harke you , let vs not be laughing stockes to other mens humors . By Ieshu I will knock your vrinalls about your knaues cockcomes , for missing your meetings and appointments .

Doc. O Ieshu mine host of de garter , Iohn Rogoby , Haue I not met him at de place he make apoint , Haue I not ? Sir Hu. So kad vdge me , this is the pointment place , Witnes by my Host of the garter . Host. Peace I say gawle and gawlia , French and Wealch , Soule curer , and bodie curer . Doc. This is verie braue , excellent . Host. Peace I say , heare mine host of the garter , Am I wise ? am I polliticke ? am I Matchauil ? Shall I lose my doctor ? No , he giues me the motions And the potions . Shall I lose my parson , my sir Hu ? No , he giues me the prouerbes , and ●●e nouerbes : Giue me thy hand terestiall , So giue me thy hand celestiall : So boyes of art I haue deceiued you both , I haue directed you to wrong places , Your hearts are mightie , you skins are whole , Bardolfe laie their swords to pawne . Follow me lads Of peace , follow me . Ha , ra , la. Follow . Exit Host. Shal. Afore God a mad host , come let vs goe . Doc. I begar haue you mocka may thus ? I will be euen met you my Iack Host. Sir Hu. Giue me your hand Doctor Cayus , We be all friends : But for mine hosts foolish knauery , let me alone . Doc. I dat be vell begar I be friends . Exit omnes Enter M. Foord . For. The time drawes on he shuld come to my house , Well wife , you had best worke closely , Or I am like to goe beyond your cunning : I now wil seek my guesse that comes to dinner , And in good time see where they all are come . Enter Shallow , Page , host , Slender , Doctor , and sir Hugh . By my faith a knot well met : your welcome all . Pa. I thanke you good M. Ford. For. Welcome good M. Page , I would your daughter were here . Pa. I thank you sir , she is very well at home . Slen. Father Page I hope I haue your consent For Misteris Anne ? Pa. You haue sonne Slender , but my wife here , Is altogether for maister Doctor . Doc. Begar I tanck her hartily : Host. But what say you to yong Maister Fenton ? He capers , he daunces , he writes verses , he smelles All April and May : he wil cary it , he wil carit , T is in his betmes he wil carite . Pa. My host not with my consent : the gentleman is Wilde , he knowes too much : If he take her , Let him take her simply : for my goods goes With my liking , and my liking goes not that way . For. Well I pray go home with me to dinner : Besides your cheare I le shew you wonders : I le Shew you a monster . You shall go with me . M. Page , and so shall you sir Hugh , and you Maister Doctor . S Hu. If there be one in the company , I shal make two : Doc. And dere be ven to , I sall make de tird : Sir Hu , In your teeth for shame , Shal : wel , wel , God be with you , we shall haue the fairer Wooing at Maister Pages : Exit Shallow and Slender , Host I le to my honest knight sir Iohn Falstaffe , And drinke Canary with him . Exit host . Ford. I may chance to make him drinke in pipe wine , First come gentlemen . Exit omnes . Enter Mistresse Ford , with two of her men , and a great buck busket . Mis. For. Sirrha , if your M. aske you whither You carry this basket , say to the Launderers , I hope you know how to bestow it ? Ser. I warrant you misteris . Exit seruant . Mis. For. Go get you in . Well sir Iohn , I beleeue I shall serue you such a trick , You shall haue little mind to come againe . Enter Sir Iohn . Fal. Haue I caught my heauenlie Iewel ? Why now let me die . I haue liued long inough , This is the happie houre I haue desired to see , Now shall I sin in my wish , I would thy husband were dead . Mis. For. Why how then sir Iohn ? Fal. By the Lord , I de make thee my Ladie . Mis. For. Alas sir Iohn , I should be a verie simple Ladie . Fal. Goe too , I see how thy eie doth emulate the Diamond . And how the arched bent of thy brow Would become the ship tire , the tire vellet , Oranie Venetian attire , I see it . Mis. For. A plaine kercher sir Iohn , would fit me better . Fal. By the Lord thou art a traitor to saie so : What made me loue thee ? Let that perswade thee Ther 's somewhat extraordinarie in thee : Goe too I loue thee : Mistris Ford , I cannot cog , I cannot prate , like one Of these fellowes that smels like Bucklers-berie , In simple time , but I loue thee , And none but thee . Mis. For. Sir Iohn , I am afraid you loue misteris Page . Fal. I thou mightest as well saie I loue to walke by the Counter gate , Which is as hatefull to me As the reake of a lime kill . Enter Mistresse Page . Mis. Pa. Mistresse Ford , Mis. Ford , where are you ? Mis. For. O Lord step aside good sir Iohn . Falstaffe stands behind the aras . How now Misteris Page what s the matter ? Mis. Pa. Why your husband woman is comming , With halfe Windsor at his heeles , To looke for a gentleman that he ses Is hid in his house : his wife s sweet hart . Mis. For. Speak louder . But I hope t is not true Misteris Page . Mis. Pa.

T is too true woman . Therefore if you Haue any here , away with him , or your vndone for euer .

Mis. For. Alas mistresse Page , what shall I do ? Here is a gentleman my friend , how shall I do ? Mis. Pa.

Gode body woman , do not stand what shal I do , and what shall I do . Better any shift , rather then you shamed . Looke heere , here 's a buck-basket , if hee be a man of any reasonable sise , hee le in here .

Mis. For. Alas I feare he is too big . Fal. Let me see , let me see , I le in , I le in , Follow your friends counsell . A side . Mis. Pa. Fie sir Iohn is this your loue ? Go too . Fal. I loue thee , and none but thee : Helpe me to conuey me hence , I le neuer come here more . Sir Iohn goes into the basket , they put cloathes ouer him , the two men carries it away : Foord meetes it , and all the rest , Page , Doctor , Priest , Slender , Shallow . Ford. Come pray along , you shall see all . How now who goes heare ? whither goes this ? Whither goes it ? set it downe . Mis. For. Now let it go , you had best meddle with buck-washing . Ford. Buck , good buck , pray come along , Maister Page take my keyes : helpe to search . Good Sir Hugh pray come along , helpe a little , a little , I le shew you all . Sir Hu. By Ieshu these are iealosies & distemperes . Exit omnes . Mis. Pa. He is in a pittifull taking . Mis. I wonder what he thought When my husband bad them set downe the basket . Mis. Pa. Hang him dishonest slaue , we cannot vse Him bad inough . This is excellent for your Husbands iealousie . Mi. For. Alas poore soule it grieues me at the hart , But this will be a meanes to make him cease His iealous fits , if Falstaffes loue increase . Mis. Pa. Nay we wil send to Falstaffe once again , T is great pittie we should leaue him : What wiues may be merry , and yet honest too . Mi. For. Shall we be condemnd because we laugh ? T is old , but true : still sowes eate all the draffe . Enter all . Mis. Pa. Here comes your husband , stand aside . For. I can find no body within , it may be he lied . Mis. Pa. Did you heare that ? Mis. For. I , I , peace . For. Well I le not let it go so , yet I le trie further . S. Hu. By Ieshu if there be any body in the kitchin Or the cuberts , or the presse , or the buttery , I am an arrant Iew : Now God plesse me : You serue me well , do you not ? Pa. Fie M. Ford you are too blame : Mis. Pa. I faith t is not well M. Ford to suspect Her thus without cause . Doc. No by my trot it be no vell : For. Wel I pray bear with me , M. Page pardon me . I suffer for it , I suffer for it : Sir Hu : You suffer for a bad conscience looke you now : Ford : Well I pray no more , another time I le tell you all : The mean time go dine with me , pardon me wife , I am sorie . M. Page pray goe in to dinner , Another time I le tell you all . Pa: Wel let it be so , and to morrow I inuite you all To my house to dinner : and in the morning wee le A birding , I haue an excellent Hauke for the bush . Ford : Let it be so : Come M. Page , come wife : I pray you come in all , your welcome , pray come in . Sir Hu : By so kad vdgme , M. Fordes is Not in his right wittes : Exit omnes : Enter Sir Iohn Falstaffe . Fal : Bardolfe brew me a pottle sack presently : Bar : With Egges sir ? Fal :

Simply of it selfe , I le none of these pullets sperme

In my drinke : goe make haste .

Haue I liued to be carried in a basket

and throwne into the Thames like a barow of Butchers offoll . Well , and I be serued such another tricke , I le giue them leaue to take out my braines and butter them , and giue them to a dog for a new yeares gift . Sblood , the rogues slided me in with as little remorse as if they had gone to drowne a blind bitches puppies in the litter : and they might know by my sise I haue a kind of alacritie in sinking : and the bottom had bin as deep as hell I should downe . I had bene drowned , but that the shore was sheluie and somewhat shallowe : a death that I abhorre . For you know the water swelles a man : and what a thing should I haue bene when I had bene swelled : By the Lord a mountaine of money . Now is the Sacke brewed ?

Bar.

I sir , there 's a woman below would speake with you .

Fal.

Bid her come vp . Let me put some Sacke among this cold water , for my belly is as cold as if I had swallowed snow-balles for pilles .

Enter Mistresse Quickly .

Now what s the newes with you ?

Quic. I come from misteris Ford forsooth . Fal. Misteris Ford , I haue had Ford inough , I haue bene throwne into the Ford , my belly is full Of Ford : she hath tickled mee . Quic.

O Lord sir , she is the sorrowfullest woman that her seruants mistooke , that euer liued . And sir , she would desire you of all loues you will meet her once againe , to morrow sir , betweene ten and eleuen , and she hopes to make amends for all .

Fal. Ten , and eleuen , saiest thou ? Quic. I forsooth . Fal. Well , tell her I le meet her . Let her but think Of mans frailtie : Let her iudge what man is , And then thinke of me . And so farwell . Quic You le not faile sir ? Exit mistresse Quickly . Fal. I will not faile . Commend me to her . I wonder I heare not of M. Brooke , I like his Mony well . By the masse here he is . Enter Brooke . For. God saue you sir. Fal. Welcome good M. Brooke . You come to know how matters goes . Ford. That s my comming indeed sir Iohn . Fal. M. Brooke I will not lie to you sir , I was there at my appointed time . For. And how sped you sir ? Fal. Verie il fauouredly sir. For. Why sir , did she change her determination ? Fal.

No M. Brooke , but you shall heare . After we had kissed and imbraced , and as it were euen amid the prologue of our incounter , who should come , but the iealous knaue her husband , and a rabble of his companions at his heeles , thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper . And what to do thinke you ? to search for his wiues loue . Euen so , plainly so .

For. While ye were there ? Fal. Whilst I was there . For. And did he search and could not find you ? Fal. You shall heare sir , as God would haue it , A litle before comes me one Pages wife , Giues her intelligence of her husbands Approach : and by her inuention , and Fords wiues Distraction , conueyd me into a buck-basket . Ford. A buck basket ! Fal. By the Lord a buck-basket , rammed me in With foule shirts , stokins , greasie napkins , That M. Brooke , there was a compound of the most Villanous smel , that euer offended nostrill . I le tell you M. Brooke , by the Lord for your sake I suffered three egregious deaths : First to be Crammed like a good bilbo , in the circomference Of a pack , Hilt to point , hee le to head : and then to Be stewed in my owne grease like a Dutch dish : A man of my kidney ; by the Lord it was maruell I Escaped suffication ; and in the heat of all this , To be throwne into Thames like a horshoo hot : Maister Brooke , thinke of that hissing heate , Maister Brooke . Ford. Well sir then my shute is void ? You le vndertake it no more ? Fal. M. Brooke , I le be throwne into Etna As I haue bene in the Thames , Ere I thus leaue her : I haue receiued Another appointment of meeting , Between ten and eleuen is the houre . Ford : Why sir , t is almost ten alreadie : Fal : Is it ? why then will I addresse my selfe For my appointment : M. Brooke come to me soone At night , and you shall know how I speed , And the end shall be , you shall enioy her loue : You shall cuckold Foord : Come to mee soone at at night . Exit Falstaffe . For. Is this a dreame ? Is it a vision ? Maister Ford , maister Ford , awake maister Ford , There is a hole made in your best coat M. Ford , And a man shall not only endure this wrong , But shall stand vnder the taunt of names , Lucifer is a good name , Barbason good : good Diuels names : But cuckold , wittold , godeso The diuel himselfe hath not such a name : And they may hang hats here , and napkins here Vpon my hornes : Well I le home , I ferit him , And vnlesse the diuel himselfe should aide him , I le search vnpossible places : I le about it , Least I repent too late : Exit omnes . Enter M. Fenton , Page , and mistresse Quickly . Fen : Tell me sweet Nan , how doest thou yet resolue , Shall foolish Slender haue thee to his wife ? Or one as wise as he , the learned Doctor ? Shall such as they enioy thy maiden hart ? Thou knowst that I haue alwaies loued thee deare , And thou hast oft times swore the like to me . An : Good M. Fenton , you may assure your selfe My hart is setled vpon none but you , T is as my father and mother please : Get their consent , you quickly shall haue mine . Fen : Thy father thinks I loue thee for his wealth , Tho I must needs confesse at first that drew me , But since thy vertues wiped that trash away , I loue thee Nan , and so deare is it set , That whilst I liue , I nere shall thee forget . Godes pitie here comes her father . Enter M. Page his wife , M. Shallow , and Slender . Pa. M. Fenton I pray what make you here ? You know my answere sir , shee s not for you : Knowing my vow , to blame to vse me thus . Fen. But heare me speake sir. Pa. Pray sir get you gon : Come hither daughter , Sonne Slender let me speak with you . ( they whisper . Quic. Speake to Misteris Page . Fen. Pray misteris Page let me haue your consent . Mis. Pa. I faith M. Fenton t is as my husband please . For my part I le neither hinder you , nor further you . Quic. How say you this was my doings ? I bid you speake to misteris Page . Fen. Here nurse , there s a brace of angels to drink , Worke what thou canst for me , farwell . ( Exit Fen. Quic. By my troth so I will , good hart . Pa. Come wife , you an I will in , wee le leaue M. Slender And my daughter to talke together . M. Shallow , You may stay sir if you please . Exit Page and his wife . Shal. Mary I thanke you for that : To her cousin , to her . Slen. I faith I know not what to say . An. Now M. Slender , what s your will ? Slen. Godeso there s a Iest indeed : why misteris An , I neuer made wil yet : I thank God I am wise inough for that . Shal. Fie cusse fie , thou art not right , O thou hadst a father . Slen. I had a father misteris Anne , good vncle Tell the Iest how my father stole the goose out of The henloft . All this is nought , harke you mistresse Anne . Shal.

He will make you ioynter of three hundred pound a yeare , he shall make you a Gentlewoman .

Slend .

I be God that I vill , come cut and long taile , as good as any is in Glostershire , vnder the degree of a Squire .

An. O God how many grosse faults are hid , And couered in three hundred pound a yeare ? Well M. Slender , within a day or two I le tell you more . Slend .

I thanke you good misteris Anne , vncle I shall haue her .

Quic.

M. Shallow , M. Page would pray you to come you , and you M. Slender , and you mistris An.

Slend . Well Nurse , if you le speake for me , I le giue you more then I le talke of . Exit omnes but Quickly . Quic. Indeed I will , I le speake what I can for you , But specially for M. Fenton : But specially of all for my Maister . And indeed I will do what I can for them all three . Exit . Enter misteris Ford and her two men . Mis. For.

Do you heare ? when your M. comes take vp this basket as you did before , and if your M. bid you set it downe , obey him .

Ser. I will forsooth . Enter Syr Iohn . Mis. For. Syr Iohn welcome . Fal. What are you sure of your husband now ? Mis. For.

He is gone a birding sir Iohn , and I hope will not come home yet .

Enter mistresse Page .

Gods body here is misteris Page ,

Step behind the arras good sir Iohn .

He steps behind the arras . Mis. Pa.

Misteris Ford , why woman your husband is in his old vaine againe , hee s comming to search for your sweet heart , but I am glad he is not here .

Mis. For. O God misteris Page the knight is here , What shall I do ? Mis. Pa.

Why then you 'r vndone woman , vnles you make some meanes to shift him away .

Mis. For.

Alas I know no meanes , vnlesse we put him in the basket againe .

Fal. No I le come no more in the basket , I le creep vp into the chimney . Mis. For. There they vse to discharge their Fowling peeces . Fal. Why then I le goe out of doores . Mi. Pa. Then your vndone , your but a dead man . Fal. For Gods sake deuise any extremitie , Rather then a mischiefe . Mis. Pa. Alas I know not what meanes to make , If there were any womans apparell would fit him , He might put on a gowne and a mufler , And so escape . Mi. For. That s wel remembred , my maids Aunt Gillian of Brainford , hath a gowne aboue . Mis. Pa. And she is altogether as fat as he . Mis. For. I that will serue him of my word . Mis. Pa. Come goe with me sir Iohn , I le helpe to dresse you . Fal. Come for God sake , any thing . Exit Mis. Page , & Six Iohn . Enter M. Ford , Page , Priest , Shallow , the two men carries the basket , and Ford meets it . For. Come along I pray , you shal know the cause , How now whither goe you ? Ha whither go you ? Set downe the basket you ssaue , You panderly rogue set it downe . Mis. For. What is the reason that you vse me thus ? For. Come hither set downe the basket , Misteris Ford the modest woman , Misteris Ford the vertuous woman , She that hath the iealous foole to her husband , I mistrust you without cause do I not ? Mis. For.

I Gods my record do you . And if you mistrust me in any ill sort .

Ford. Well sed brazen face , hold it out , You youth in a basket , come out here , Pull out the cloathes , search . Hu. Ieshu plesse me , will you pull vp your wiues cloathes ? Pa.

Fie M. Ford you are not to go abroad if you be in these fits .

Sir Hu. By so kad vdge me , t is verie necessarie He were put in pethlem . For.

M. Page , as I am an honest man M. Page , There was one conueyd out of my house here yesterday out of this basket , why may he not be here now ?

Mi. For. Come mistris Page , bring the old woman downe . For. Old woman , what old woman ? Mi. For. Why my maidens Ant , Mātuan of Brainford . A witch , haue I not forewarned her my house , Alas we are simple we , we know not what Is brought to passe vnder the colour of fortune ▪ Telling . Come downe you witch , come downe . Enter Falstaffe disguised like an old woman , and misteris Page with him , Ford beates him , and hee runnes away . Away you witch get you gone . Sir Hu. By Ieshu I verily thinke she is a witch indeed , I espied vnder her muster a great beard . Ford. Pray come helpe me to search , pray now . Pa. Come wee le go for his minds sake . Exit omnes . Mi. For. By my troth he beat him most extreamly . Mi. Pa.

I am glad of it , what shall we proceed any further ?

Mi. For.

No faith , now if you will let vs tell our husbands of it . For mine I am sure hath almost fretted himselfe to death .

Mi. Pa. Content , come wee le goe tell them all , And as they agree , so will we proceed . Exit both . Enter Host and Bardolfe . Bar.

Syr heere be three Gentlemen come from the Duke the Stanger sir , would haue your horse .

Host.

The Duke , what Duke ? let me speake with the Gentlemen , do they speake English ?

Bar : I le call them to you sir. Host. No Bardolfe , let them alone , I le sauce them : They haue had my house a weeke at command , I haue turned away my other guesse , They shall haue my horses Bardolfe , They must come off , I le sawce them . Exit omnes . Enter Ford , Page , their wiues , Shallow , and Slender . Syr Hu. Ford.

Well wife , heere take my hand , vpon my soule I loue thee dearer then I do my life , and ioy I hnue so true and constant wife , my iealousie shall neuer more offend thee .

Mi. For. Sir I am glad , & that which I haue done , Was nothing else but mirth and modestie . Pa. I misteris Ford , Falstaffe hath all the griefe , And in this knauerie my wife was the chiefe . Mi. Pa. No knauery husband , it was honest mirth . Hu. Indeed it was good pastimes & merriments . Mis. For. But sweete heart shall wee leaue olde Falstaffe so ? Mis. Pa. O by no meanes , send to him againe . Pa.

I do not thinke hee le come being so much deceiued .

For.

Let me alone , I le to him once againe like Brooke , and know his mind whether hee le come or not .

Pa. There must be some plot laide , or hee le not come . Mis. Pa. Let vs alone for that . Heare my deuice . Oft haue you heard since Horne the hunter dyed , That women to affright their litle children , Ses that he walkes in shape of a great stagge . Now for that Falstaffe hath bene so deceiued , As that he dares not venture to the house , Wee le send him word to meet vs in the field , Disguised like Horne , with huge horns on his head , The houre shal be iust betweene twelue and one , And at that time we will meet him both : Then would I haue you present there at hand , With litle boyes disguised and dressed like Fayries , For to affright fat Falstaffe in the woods . And then to make a period to the Iest , Tell Falstaffe all , I thinke this will do best . Pa. T is excellent , and my daughter Anne , Shall like a litle Fayrie be disguised . Mis. Pa.

And in that Maske I le make the Doctor steale my daughter An , & ere my husband knowes it , to carrie her to Church , and marrie her .

Mis. For. But who will buy the silkes to tyre the boyes ? Pa. That will I do , and in a robe of white I le cloath my daughter , and aduertise Slender To know her by that signe , and steale her thence , And vnknowne to my wife , shall marrie her . Hu. So kad vdge me the deuises is excellent . I will also be there , and be like a Iackanapes , And pinch him most cruelly for his lecheries . Mis. Pa. Why then we are reuenged sufficiently . First he was carried and throwne in the Thames , Next beaten well , I am sure you le witnes that . Mi. For. I le lay my life this makes him nothing fat . Pa. Well let s about this stratagem , I long To see deceit deceiued , and wrong haue wrong . For , Well send to Falstaffe , and if he come thither , T will make vs smile and laugh one moneth togither . Exit omnes . Enter Host and Simple . Host. What would thou haue boore , what thick-skin ? Speake , breath , discus , short , quick , briefe , snap . Sim. Sir , I am sent from my M. to sir Iohn Falstaffe . Host.

Sir Iohn , there s his Castle , his standing bed , his trundle bed , his chamber is painted about with the story of the prodigall , fresh and new , go knock , hee le speak like an Antripophiginian to thee : Knock I say .

Sim.

Sir I should speak with an old woman that went vp into his chamber .

Host. An old woman , the knight may be robbed , I le call bully knight , bully sir Iohn . Speake from thy Lungs military : it is thine host , thy Ephesian calls . Fal. Now mine Host. Host :

Here is a Bohemian tarter bully , tarries the comming downe of the fat woman : Let her descend bully , let her descend , my chambers are honorable , pah priuasie , fie .

Fal. Indeed mine host there was afat woman with me , But she is gone . Enter Sir Iohn . Sim. Pray sir was it not the wise woman of Brainford ? Fal. Marry was it Musselshell , what would you ? Sim. Marry sir my maister Slender sent me to her , To know whether one Nim that hath his chaine , Cousoned him of it , or no. Fal. I talked with the woman about it . Sim. And I pray sir what ses she ? Fal. Marry she ses the very same man that Beguiled maister Slender of his chaine , Cousoned him of it . Sim. May I be bolde to tell my maister so sir ? Fal. I tike , who more bolde . Sim.

I thanke you sir , I shall make my maister a glad man at these tydings , God be with you sir.

Host. Thou art clarkly sir Iohn , thou art clarkly , Was there a wise woman with thee ? Fal. Marry was there mine host , one that taught Me more wit then I learned this 7. yeare , And I paid nothing for it , But was paid for my learning . Enter Bardolfe . Bar. O Lord sir cousonage , plaine cousonage . Host.

Why man , where be my horses ? where be the Germanes ?

Bar. Rid away with your horses : After I came beyond Maidenhead , They flung me in a slow of myre , & away they ran . Enter Doctor . Doc. Where be my Host de gartyre ? Host. O here sir in perplexitie . Doc. I cannot tell vad be dad , But begar I will tell you van ting , Dear be a Garmaine Duke come to de Court , Has cosened all de host of Branford , And Redding : begar I tell you for good will , Ha , ha , mine Host , am I euen met you ? Exit . Enter Sir Hugh . Sir Hu. Where is mine Host of the gartyr ? Now my Host , I would desire you looke you now , To haue a care of your entertainments , For there is three sorts of cosen garmombles , Is cosen all the Host of Maidenhead & Readings , Now you are an honest man , and a scuruy beggerly lowsie knaue beside : And can point wrong places , I tell you for good will , grate why mine Host. Exit . Host. I am cosened Hugh , and coy Bardolfe , Sweet knight assist me , I am cosened . Exit . Fal. Would all the worell were cosened for me , For I am cousoned and beaten too . Well , I neuer prospered since I forswore My selfe at Primero : and my winde Were but long inough to say my prayers , I de repent , now from whence come you ? Enter Mistresse Quickly . Quic. From the two parties forsooth . Fal. The diuell take the one partie , And his dam the other , And they le be both bestowed . I haue endured more for their sakes , Then man is able to endure . Quic. O Lord sir , they are the sorowfulst creatures That euer liued : specially mistresse Ford , Her husband hath beaten her that she is all Blacke and blew poore soule . Fal. What tellest me of blacke and blew , I haue bene beaten all the colours in the Rainbow , And in my escape like to a bene apprehended For a witch of Brainford , and set in the stockes . Quic. Well sir , she is a sorrowfull woman , And I hope when you heare my errant , You le be perswaded to the contrarie . Fal. Come goe with me into my chamber , I le heare thee . Exit omnes . Enter Host and Fenton . Host. Speake not to me sir , my mind is heauie , I haue had a great losse . Fen. Yet heare me , and as I am a gentleman , I le giue you a hundred pound toward your losse . Host. Well sir I le heare you , and at least keep your counsell . Fen. Then thus my host . T is not vnknown to you , The feruent loue I beare to young Anne Page , And mutally her loue againe to mee : But her father still against her choise , Doth seeke to marrie her to foolish Slender , And in a robe of white this night disguised , Wherein fat Falstaffe had a mightie scare , Must Slender take her and carrie her to Catlen , And there vnknowne to any , marrie her . Now her mother still against that match , And firme for Doctor Cayus , in a robe of red By her deuice , the Doctor must steale her thence , And she hath giuen consent to goe with him . Host. Now which means she to deceiue , father or mother ? Fen. Both my good Host , to go along with me . Now here it rests , that you would procure a priest , And tarrie readie at the appointment place , To giue our harts vnited matrimonie . Host. But how will you come to steale her from among them ? Fen. That hath sweet Nan and I agreed vpon , And by a robe of white , the which she weares , With ribones pendant flaring bout her head , I shal be sure to know her , and conuey her thence , And bring her where the priest abides our comming , And by thy furtherance there be married . Host. Well , husband your deuice , I le to the Vicar , Bring you the maide , you shall not lacke a Priest . Fen. So shall I euermore be bound vnto thee . Besides I le alwaies be thy faithfull friend . Exit omnes . Enter sir Iohn with a Bucks head vpon him . Fal. This is the third time , well I le venter , They say there is good luck in old numbers , Ioue transformed himselfe into a bull , And I am here a Stag , and I thinke the fattest In all Windsor forrest : well I stand here For Horne the hunter , waiting my Does comming . Enter mistris Page , and mistris Ford. Mis. Pa. Sir Iohn , where are you ? Fal. Art thou come my doe ? what and thou too ? Welcome Ladies . Mi. For. I I sir Iohn , I see you will not faile , Therefore you deserue far better then our loues , But it grieues me for your late crosses . Fal. This makes amends for all . Come diuide me betweene you , each a hanch , For my horns I le bequeath them to your husbands , Do I speake like Horne the hunter , ha ? Mis. Pa. God forgiue me , what noise is this ? There is a noise of hornes , the two women run away . Enter sir Hugh like a Satyre , and boyes drest like Fayries , mistresse Quickly , like the Queene of Fayries : they sing a song about him , and afterward speake . Quic : You Fayries that do haunt these shady groues , Looke round about the wood if you can espie A mortall that doth haunt our sacred round : If such a one you can espie , giue him his due , And leaue not till you pinch him blacke and blew : Giue them their charge Puck ere they part away . Sir Hu. Come hither Peane , go to the countrie houses , And when you finde a slut that lies a sleepe , And all her dishes foule , and roome vnswept , With your long nailes pinch her till she crie , And sweare to mend her sluttish huswiferie . Fai. I warrant you I will performe your will . Hu. Where is Pead ? go you & see where Brokers sleep , And Foxe-eyed Seriants with their mase , Goe laie the Proctors in the street , And pinch the lowsie Seriants face : Spare none of these when they are a bed , But such whose nose lookes plew and red . Quic. Away begon , his mind fulfill , And looke that none of you stand still . Some do that thing , some do this , All do something , none amis . Hir Hu. I smell a man of middle earth . Fal. God blesse me from that wealch Fairie . Quic. Looke euery one about this round , And if that any here be found , For his presumption in this place , Spare neither legge , arme , head , nor face . Sir Hu. See I haue spied one by good luck , His bodie man , his head a buck. Fal. God send me good fortune now , and I care not . Quic. Go strait , and do as I commaund , And take a Taper in your hand , And set it to his fingers endes , And if you see it him offends , And that he starteth at the flame , Then is he mortall , know his name : If with an F. it doth begin , Why then be shure he is full of sin . About it then , and know the truth , Of this same metamorphised youth . Hir Hu. Giue me the Tapers , I will try And if that he loue venery . They put the Tapers to his fingers , and he starts . Sir Hu. It is right indeed , he is full of lecheries and iniquitie . Quic. A little distant from him stand , And euery one take hand in hand , And compasse him within a ring , First pinch him well , and after sing . Here they pinch him , and sing about him , & the Doctor comes one way & steales away a boy in red . And Slender another way he takes a boy in greene : And Fenton steales misteris Anne , being in white . And a noyse of hunting is made within : and all the Fairies runne away . Falstaffe pulles of his bucks head , and rises vp . And enters M. Page , M. Ford , and their wiues , M. Shallow , Sir Hugh . Fal. Horne the hunter quoth you : am I a ghost ? Sblood the Fairies hath made a ghost of me : What hunting at this time at night ? I le lay my life the mad Prince of Wales Is stealing his fathers Deare . How now who haue we here , what is all Windsor stirring ? Are you there ? Shal. God saue you sir Iohn Falstaffe . Sir Hu. God plesse you sir Iohn , God plesse you . Pa. Why how now sir Iohn , what a pair of horns in your hand ? Ford. Those hornes he ment to place vpon my head , And M. Brooke and he should be the men : Why how now sir Iohn , why are you thus amazed ? We know the Fairies man that pinched you so , Your throwing in the Thames , your beating well , And what s to come sir Iohn , that can we tell . Mi. Pa. Sir Iohn t is thus , your dishonest meanes To call our credits into question , Did make vs vndertake to our best , To turne your leaud lust to a merry Iest. Fal. Iest , t is well , haue I liued to these yeares To be gulled now , now to be ridden ? Why then these were not Fairies ? Mis. Pa. No sir Iohn but boyes . Fal. By the Lord I was twice or thrise in the mind They were not , and yet the grosnesse Of the fopperie perswaded me they were . Well , and the fine wits of the Court heare this , Thay le so whip me with their keene Iests , That thay le melt me out like tallow , Drop by drop out of my grease . Boyes ! Sir Hu. I trust me boyes Sir Iohn : and I was Also a Fairie that did helpe to pinch you . Fal. I , t is well I am your May-pole , You haue the start of mee , Am I ridden too with a wealch goate ? With a peece of toasted cheese ? Sir Hu. Butter is better then cheese sir Iohn , You are all butter , butter . For. There is a further matter yet sir Iohn , There 's 20. pound you borrowed of M. Brooke Sir Iohn , And it must be paid to M. Ford Sir Iohn . Mi. For. Nay husband let that go to make amends , Forgiue that sum , and so wee le all be friends . For. Well here is my hand , all 's forgiuen at last . Fal. It hath cost me well , I haue bene well pinched and washed . Enter the Doctor . Mi. Pa. Now M. Doctor , sonne I hope you are . Doct. Sonne begar you be de ville voman , Begar I tinck to marry metres An , and begar T is a whorson garson Iack boy . Mis. Pa. How a boy ? Doct. I begar a boy . Pa. Nay be not angry wife , I le tell thee true , It was my plot to deceiue thee so : And by this time your daughter 's married To M. Slender , and see where he comes . Enter Slender . Now sonne Slender , Where 's your bride ? Slen.

Bride , by Gods lyd I thinke there s neuer a man in the worell hath that crosse fortune that I haue : begod I could cry for verie anger .

Pa. Why what s the matter sonne Slender ? Slen. Sonne , nay by God I am none of your son . Pa. No , why so ? Slen. Why so God saue me , t is a boy that I haue married . Pa. How a boy ? why did you mistake the word ? Slen.

No neither , for I came to her in red as you bad me , and I cried mum , and hee cried budget , so well as euer you heard , and I haue married him .

Sir Hu. Ieshu M. Slender , cannot you see but marrie boyes ? Pa. O I am vext at hart , what shal I do ? Enter Fenton and Anne . Mis. Pa. Here comes the man that hath deceiued vs all : How now daughter , where haue you bin ? An. At Curch forsooth . Pa. At Church , what haue you done there ? Fen. Married to me , nay sir neuer storme , T is done sir now , and cannot be vndone . Ford : I faith M. Page neuer chafe your selfe , She hath made her choise wheras her hart was fixt , Then t is in vaine for you to storme or fret . Fal. I am glad yet that your arrow hath glanced Mi. For. Come mistris Page , I le be bold with you , T is pitie to part loue that is so true . Mis. Pa. Altho that I haue missed in my intent , Yet I am glad my husbands match was crossed , Here M. Fenton , take her , and God giue thee ioy . Sir Hu : Come M. Page , you must needs agree . Fo. I yfaith sir come , you see your wife is wel pleased : Pa. I cannot tel , and yet my hart 's well eased , And yet it doth me good the Doctor missed . Come hither Fenton , and come hither daughter , Go too you might haue stai'd for my good will , But since your choise is made of one you loue , Here take her Fenton , & both happie proue . Sir Hu. I wil also dance & eat plums at your weddings . Ford. All parties pleased , now let vs in to feast , And laugh at Slender , and the Doctors ieast . He hath got the maiden , each of you a boy To waite vpon you , so God giue you ioy , And sir Iohn Falstaffe now shal you keep your word , For Brooke this night shall lye with mistris Ford. Exit omnes . FINIS .