The Fleer

The Fleire .

Act. 1. Enter Signior Antifront , with a Lord . Lord .

DEere Lord , I know it well becomes not mee to counsell him that best can counsell mee : yet if it please you but to lend your eares , & heare my loue if not my counsell .

Sig.

No more , I know thy loue tends to the stopping of my longing and my resolution : thou knowst that I no longer now am Signior : Florence hath got an other gouernor , and one step backe in state of Maiestie , is a greater fall then to a meaner man that looseth all : Besides , thou knowst our Daughters they are fled , the true inheritors of Florence right , and mightie Piso now vsurps our regall seate : puissant in power and mightie in his wrong , hath mounted Faulcon-like into the sky of state , seaz'd on our feeblenes , and beate our weakenes downe . And therefore now I am resolu'd to finde my two lost Children out , or like as Phaeton in pride did ride , so I in grief will pace the world about .

Lor.

Vnto your celsitude I wish , till their effects your hopes may neuer faile .

Exit . Sig.

Farwell , some strange disguise I needes must take both for my stelth away , as for my passage on the way : and yet my fortunes fall , disguisement is to great if pleasd the heauens , but their willes still are lawes , all is but Iustice & our sinnes the cause : cuor forterompe catiua sorte .

Exit . Enter Florida , and Felecia , Daughters to Signior Antifront , Madam Fromaga their waiting Gentlewoman , and two or three Seruingmen . Flo. With draw , leaue vs , we would be priuate : Sister what thinke you of this trade of ours ? Exeunt all but the two Sisters Fel.

T is base to be a whore .

Flo.

T is base to abuse great place , or basenes to deceiue great trust .

Fel.

And is 't not basenes to abuse great birth ?

Flo.

Yes if great birth abusde not vs : if Piso had not prou'd the theife and rob'd vs of our right , t' had bin worse then theft in vs to rob our selues of honor : you le say wee are forbid to liue by sinne , and yet wee are commaunded seeke to liue : the letter law expresse forbids to kill , and yet the sence permits it rather then be kild : & since of two extremities the least is to be chosen , you knowe wee haue no other meanes to liue , but had wee , yet wee are faire by nature , scorning Art , and was not beauty made to bee enioyed ? doe wee not exclaime on those who haue aboundant store of Coine , and yet for want suffer the needie perish at their doore ? so might all doe on vs , hauing so much beautie , if we should suffer men for loue of vs to die ; shall wee in whome beautie keepes her court bee curbd and tide to one mans beneuolence ? no , no , not I : rather then in vertue to liue poore , in sinne I le dye .

Fele.

Your resolutions hath confirmd my doubtes , and since t is hatefull to liue poore , to maintaine our state I am content : but these obseruances let vs keepe , strangelye mongst strangers let vs holde our state , and let our Seruants sildome knowe , how familiar with our friendes wee bee , and though Englands wealth doe now adorne vs ; le ts keepe the fashion still of Florence .

Content , let 's in , who 's neere ? attend vs , ho !

Enter Fromaga , and Ladyes Exeunt . To her enter a Gentleman . Gent.

This is the streete , and as I remember this is the doore .

I le aske this ancient Gentlewoman : health and beautie dwell with you Lady .

Fro.

I thanke you sir , a has a courtly phrase yfaith .

Gent.

Doe the Florentine Ladyes dwell heere ?

Fro.

Yes forsooth sir , I am a poore Gentlewoman that followes ' am .

Gent.

I am sent to ' am by a Knight , who promist mee he had procurd me the place of a Gentleman Vsher to them .

Fro.

Sir Iohn Haue-little I thinke .

Gent.

Yes indeed the same .

Fro.

By my troth hee 's an honest Knight , a has no fault but that hee s poore , and that s a small fault now adaies : but let mee see sir I pray , were you neuer a Gentleman Vsher before ?

Gent.

No truely neuer yet .

Fro.

Then you must be instructed sir .

Gent.

I shall be glad to learne .

Fro.

I hope you and I shall be more inward sir , and for your instruction I shall bee glad to lay open any secrets that I haue ; therefore first you must obserue : ha you anye Tables ?

Gent.

Yes , sure I neuer go without Tables .

Fro.

Plucke out your pin and write downe as I shall vtter : to be alwayes ready , standing bare , to bee employed , when , where , and howsoeuer your Ladyes please . You must neuer bee without moneye of your owne , to lay out when your Ladyes bid you , as eighteen pence to the Porter , halfe a Crowne to the Coachman , or twelue pence for a torch if their Ladyships come home late at night . If you be sent by your Lady to another Lady , to know what rest she tooke i th' night , you shall deliuer your answere iust as it came from the Lady : you must alwayes bee in a cleane band , and cleane cuffes , how fowle so ere your shirt be .

Gent.

I will obserue all this .

Fro.

You may by vertue of your office were a Perewig , prouided , it be iust of the colour of your beard : let me see , you haue a hatch'd sword of your owne there , haue yee not ?

Gent ,

Yes for sooth , I bought it for his Ladyships seruice .

Fro.

T' was well done , you may weare it by your office , what , is your Cloake linde through ?

Gent.

No , but t is of a good depth in .

Fro. T is well done too , your Ladies loue to haue it Linde a good depth in , t is for their credit . What , are these siluer hangers of your owne ? Gent.

No , I borrow'd these , but I haue a payre of mine owne .

Fro.

They are in trouble , are they ?

Gent.

No truely they are at mending .

Fro.

Nay though they be , t is no shame , you haue beene long out of seruice perchance .

Gen.

Some three monthes .

Fro.

Birlady t is a long time , but can you indure to walk some halfe a day in the Hall or the great Chamber , while some great Lord is busie with your Lady in an inner roome ? you may sleepe an houre or two as your Citizens wiues doe at a Sermon to passe away the time , but you must haue a care to wake at the rushing of a Satten gown , or the creaking of a doore , that if your Lady come , you may be presently vp and bare .

Gent.

Yes sure , I could doe it well .

Enter Florida . Fro.

You must stand stiffe vp , and holde vp your head , t is the chiefest thing belongs to your place , looke heere comes the elder Lady : Madam heere s the Gentleman that Sir Iohn Haue-little commended to your Ladyshippe for a Gentleman Vsher .

Fl.

Let him draw neere vs .

Gent.

The Knight commends his deere affection , and by me makes tender of his humble seruice to your Ladyship .

Fr.

Kisse your hand and goe forward vpon her .

Deliuers a Letter . Flo.

We accept it , haue red it , you are beholding to the knight , and he hath spared no paines to make your worthy partes well knowne to vs : draw neere vs , hence foorth we accept you as our owne , and so wee bid you welcome : are you a Gentleman ?

Gent.

Yes sure Madam , for I was both borne & begotten in an Innes Court .

Fro.

Sure Madam then hee s a Gentleman , for he that s but admitted to the house is a Gent. much more he that s begotten in the house .

Flo.

You are the more welcome , and our bounty shall deserue your industrie .

Exit . Flo. Gent.

Is the Lady a Princesse that she speakes vs and we so much ?

Fr.

No , she saies so meaning her selfe and her Sister , for they are both one , and such things as they haue , they vse in common , and must stand bare before them both : looke heere comes the tother Lady .

Enter Felecia .

Madam heere s the Gentleman that Sir Iohn Haue-little commended to your Ladyshipp for a Gentleman Vsher .

Fe.

We like him & hee 's welcome , what good parts haue you ? haue you the tongues ?

Gent.

Not very well Madam .

Fr.

Yes Madam , a has the Scottish tongue very perfectly , & a has some skill in the Irish tongue too .

Fe:

That s a wilde speech .

Fr.

Nay i le warrant your Ladyship hee le not run away , has traueld Madam too a sayes , for a has been in Wales .

Fe.

Has a no skill in the French tongue ?

Gent.

Some little skill Madam .

Fr.

No sure Madam , I think your Ladyship hath more knowledge of the French then he .

Fe.

Well , wee will at more leasure suruey your good partes , and make thereof the best for our owne vse .

Exit . Gent ,

I pra'y what wages doe these Ladyes giue ?

Fr.

Faith your wages wil be much about the nature of your office , verye bare standing wages : I thinke some fortie shillings a yeare .

Gent

Why , how meane they I shall liue in their seruice ?

Fr.

Why , by their countenance : I ha knowne a Lord hath giuen his foole nothing but his countenance to liue by , and I can tell you , t 'as proou'd a good Court-maintenance too .

Gent.

Countenance ? I hope I haue a countenance good inough of mine owne , I neede not serue for one .

Fr.

In troth and so a has for a Gentleman-vsher , I must needs say a verie harmelesse silly countenance .

Gent.

Yet faith I meane to trie their bountie .

Fr.

Come will you walke in sir ? I le follow you .

Gent.

Verie willingly .

Fr.

This is braue yfaith , a shall go bare before mee too , a will serue vs all three when wee are abroad .

Exeunt . Enter Mistresse Susan , and Nan , sisters : Su.

Come sister , come , wee were not borne to stand , t' is against the nature of our sexes kinde : come , sit , and tell me , how many suters you haue , and which you most doe loue ? and I will tell you all mine , and which I most respect .

Nan .

Faith I haue a dozen at the least , and their deserts are all so good , I know not which I should loue most : and one last day did court me thus : O had my tongue the influence to lead thy faire thoughts as thy faire lookes do mine : then shouldst thou be his prisoner who is thine . I seeing my poore Gentleman likely to be drownd in the depth of Hellespont , deliuered him this verse to catch hold of : O be not faire , and so vnkinde : misshapen stuffe , is of behauiour boystrous and rough .

Sus.

But come , what was a for a man ?

Nan .

What was a for a man ? Why , a was a man for a woman , what should a be ? and yfaith he was a neate lad too , for his beard was newly cut bare ; marry it showed something like a Medow newly mowed : stubble , stubble .

Su.

Well I haue a suter too , if hee had as much witte as liuing , it may bee I should finde in my heart to loue him .

Nan .

What , i' st Sir Iohn Haue-little that gallant Knight that Courts delicate Ladies ? spare not the sweate of my bodie , man was made to labour , vse my creation , women to bear , i le vse yours : Birds to flye , Fish to swimme , &c. And then sweares by my conscience Lady , I esteem you as I doe money , which buyes euerye thing , and that s but like a Puncke , for euery man has to doe with it .

Su.

No Sister no , t is not he , for I thinke his wit cannot cal his wealth Maister , nor his wealth his wit , and yet they are both Seruants to a foole .

Nan .

Faith who is 't Sister , i' st a proper man ? hath hee a good face ?

Su:

T is the person and conditions I respect , and not face , for euery Boy has a good face , and it s not worth a hayre . No Sister no , my loue is more worthier then words canne vtter : I cannot simpathize his rare perfections with any earthye substance : this Globe of durt produceth nothing worthye of his comparison , so soules perfection so refines his body , as you would thinke an Angell were his sire : his discourse , behauiour , and humanitie , attracts to him my soules felicitie .

Nan .

Pray' heauen it bee not mine : nay come who is your loue ? tell me ?

Su:

Nay who is yours ? speake first .

Nan .

Yet agen !

Su:

If it be mine , my heart will breake : mine is Maister

Nan :

Who , who , who ?

Su:

Ruffell .

Nan :

Pray God 't be true .

Su:

In troth t is he .

Nan :

And mine is Maister Sparke , and looke heere they come .

Enter Spark , Ruffell , Piso , Knight , and Petoune . Spar.

Faith Ladyes , youth and beauty alwaies bee your handmaides .

Ruff:

Best fortunes your attendants .

Piso.

Good clothes your companions .

Ruff:

Wee all of vs your seruants .

Pet.

And let Tobacco be your perfumes .

Nan ,

Lord Gentlemen how your wits Caper ! me thinkes t would become you well at first entrance , your discretions came in with a sober measure .

Sp.

Ladies we are come to make a Gentleman of your acquaintance heere .

Nan .

His name good Maister Spark ? hee 's very welcome .

Spar,

His name is Sig. Petoune a Traueller and a great Tobaconist .

Pet:

Faith Ladyes I take it now and then fasting for the purification of my wit .

Sus:

Purification ? why has your wit layne in child-bed sir ?

Ruff:

Yes indeede Lady , brought to bed of a Moone-calfe .

Pet:

Faith Ladies if you vsde but mornings when ye rise , the diuine smoke of this Celestiall herbe , it will more purifie , clense and mundifie your complexions , by ten partes then your dissolued Mercury , your iuice of Lemmons , your distilled snailes , your gourd waters , your oyle of tartar , or a thousand such toyes .

Spa.

Sure Ladies I must needes say th' instinct of this herb hath wrought in this Gentleman such a diuine influence of good words , excellent discourse , admirable inuention , incomparable wit : why I tel yee , when he talkes , wisdom stands a mile off and dares not come neere him , for feare a should shame her : but before a did vse this Tobacco , a was the arrantst Woodcock that euer I saw .

Pet:

Indeed I was a very silly fellow .

Ruff.

Nay you were an arrant asse .

Pet.

Sure I was a foole .

Kni:

Nay , you were a most monstrous puppie .

Pet:

Indeed I was an Idiot , a verie Idiot .

Piso.

By this light thou wert a most egregious coxcombe .

Pet.

Indeed I was , indeed I was .

Sp.

But since , it hath imbellisht his good parts , perfected his ill partes , and made his secrete actions correspondent to his outward wisdome , as you may well perceiue .

Pet.

Faith Ladie these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed my companie , yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits .

Piso.

Petoune I wonder Tobacco hath not purifyed the complexion of thy nose ?

Pet.

Why , what ayles my nose ?

Piso.

Nay , be not angrie , I do not touch thy nose , to th' end a should take any thing in snuffe .

Pet.

Why do y' play so about my nose ?

Kni.

T' is a good turne hee s no Flie signeur : if a were , a would burne his wings .

Nan :

O signeur , these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed your companie , yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits .

Pet

Fayth Ladie , would you bestowe but one fauour of me .

Nan .

Truly signeur if you should haue as much fauour as you haue complexion , you would bee highly fauoured .

Pet.

Deare Ladie , now by this day I loue you .

Nan .

Cheape signeur , nowe by the light of this day , I cannot loue you .

Sp.

Now Ladie , what drugs of wit has this Apothecarie of Tobacco sold you ?

Nan .

Faith a solde me none sir , onely a gaue me a taste of his good meaning .

Pet.

Faith Ladie I must enquire your name .

Sus:

I pra'y doe sir , yond Gentlewoman knowes it .

Pet.

O , I know tit well inough .

Svs.

Why doe you enquire it then ?

Pet.

Come , come , Ladie can you loue ?

Sus.

I .

Pet.

And can you loue me ?

Sus:

No .

Pet.

Euerie foole can say , I , and no ,

Sus:

And I alwayes answere euerie foole so .

Pet.

Do y' thinke I want wit ?

Sus.

If you do , t' is a shame you doe not learne it .

Pet:

Will you teach me ? I le come to you to schoole .

Sus.

T' is not my profession sir , to teach a foole .

Sp:

Looke , looke , this fellow is like your vpright shoo , he will serue either foote .

Pet.

Good Ladie , haue a better regarde of mee , doe but thinke me made of the same mettall other men are .

Sus:

If others were of the same mettall you are , and all mine , I should quickelie sell them to the Bel-makers .

Pet.

Why , what mettall doe you thinke me ?

Sus:

Copper sir , copper , for I take your bodie to be of the same mettall your nose is .

Pet.

Deare Ladie , now by this day I loue you .

Sp:

Why , how now signeur , what sayes the Ladie will she loue thee man ?

Pet ;

Faith I can get but a colde comfort of her :

Sp:

Well thanke her for 't :

Pet ;

For what ?

Sp,

Why , for her cold comfort , shee gaue it thee to coole the heate of thy nose man ?

Sus:

Signeur , you see these Gentlewomen haue not long vsed your companie ; yet you see how Tobacco hath alreadie refined their spirits :

Ruf ;

Why , how now signeur ? at blind-man-buffe ? bob'd on either side ?

Pet:

Prethe peace : deare Ladie , please you take a pipe of Tobacco ?

Ruf:

I , come : I le beginne to her ( tab ) why , what a rogue art thou to offer a faire Ladie an emptie pipe ?

Sus.

Why signeur ? do you make a foole of me ?

Piso :

Had you no body signeur to haue bob'd with an emptie Pipe but her ?

Nan .

Why howe now signeur , could you finde neuer a fitter block to whet your wit on , but my sister ?

Sp.

By the diuine smoke of Tobacco signeur , you haue sham'd vs all .

Pet:

Sweare not good sir , sweare not , prophane not the Indian plant .

Kni,

Had you no bodie else signeur , to breake an emptie ieast on but this Ladie ?

Sus.

No , no , a thinks any thing is good ynough for me .

Pet.

Sir , would you make my Ladie and me friends ?

Spar.

Nay signeur , I haue no face to speake , now you haue abusde her in your owne Element : if it had beene in any thing but Tobacco , I would haue done my best .

Ruff:

Harke you sig you were best to aske her forgiuenes on your knees , ther 's no way to get her friendship else .

Pet:

But wil she forgiue me thinke you if I aske her mercie on my knees ?

Sp.

Why , proue signeur , you can but trie , wee le al speake for you .

Ruff:

Good Lady will you forgiue this signeur ? you see his penitent , griefe hath brought him verie low , for hee s on 's knees ; besides he weepes ; speake signeur speake for your selfe .

Pet.

Ladie , I must confesse I haue offred you an emptie pipe , which me thinks hath smal reason to be taken in snuff .

Sp:

And you are sorie for 't signeur , are you not ?

Pet.

I with all my heart .

Sp:

Forgiue him good Ladie , pra'y forgiue him ,

Su.

I am content Gent at your intreaties vpon conditions .

Pet

Vpon any conditions .

Su:

But you shall be sworne to them .

Pet.

Most willingly .

Ruff:

Come , a shall be sworne on 's owne Tobacco pipe .

Piso :

Looke you signeur , he told you there was no way to get her good will but by kneeling ; for he that will haue a womans loue must stoope .

Sus:

Come maister

Ruff:

you shall take his oath , and I le minister 't .

Ruff:

Come signeur , put your hand to the pipe .

Sus:

First you shall neuer while you liue offer Ladie or Gentlewoman an emptie pipe .

Pet:

Neuer .

Su.

Secondly , you shall neuer make Tobacco your Idoll , taking it in a morning before you say your prayers .

Pet:

Neuer

Su:

Thirdly , you shall neuer in the praise of Tobacco disclose or dispraise by the way of making comparisons , the secrets of Ladies , or Gentlewomen , as repeating their distil'd waters , their censing oyles , or their smoothing vnguents .

Sp:

To this you sweare .

Pet.

Most willingly .

Su.

Fourthly , you shall neuer come with your squibs & smoke-squirts amongst Ladies and Gentlewomen , flinging out fume at your Nostrels , as a whale doth salt-water , vnlesse you be intreated by them .

Pet.

Neuer .

Su.

Fiftly , you shall presently conuey your selfe out of our company , neuer to come more neere vs , vnlesse you be sent for .

Pet.

Neuer ?

Su.

No neuer : so , let him kisse the pipe .

Sp:

Come Signior , you haue kneeld to a faire end , to get you a Mistris , and heere you haue for sworne her .

Pet.

I 'me in a faire case now .

Pis.

I faith now thar' t a combe for any case .

Pet.

Well , i le keepe my oath , farewell Gentlemen .

Pis.

Farwell Signior .

Sp:

Adew Signior .

Kni:

God bewe Signior .

Pet:

Well , some shall smoke for this .

Ruff:

Let it be your nose then good Signior in any case :

Exit . Enter Signior Antifront disguised , called Fleire .

It s a good soile , a whole some ayre , a pretty Towne , handsome sleight buildings , well proportioned people , verie faire women .

Spa.

Hayda , this is like a Lawyers studdie in the latter end of a Terme , one's no sooner thrung'd out , but another's thrust in , y' are welcome sir .

Fle.

But I am not sir , for I am sicke .

Ruff:

Would you speake with any man heere ?

Fl:

I care not greatlie sir , if I spoke with euery man here .

Nan .

Hee 's a mad fellowe .

Sp ;

What art ?

Fle.

Poore .

Ruff:

Dost meane to liue in this towne ?

Fle:

I de be loth to die in 't .

Kni.

In what countrie wert borne ?

Fle:

In none .

Kni:

Where then ?

Fle:

In a Towne .

Kni:

What nation art ?

Flei:

An Italian :

Kni:

O then thou canst make glasses .

Fle:

I , and as wisemen as you Asses too , O are you there

Piso ? your father is my good Lord , but no more of that yet .

Sp.

Why Signior , I hope you wonnot swagger ?

Fle:

No , nor I care not greatlie for them that doe , for your swaggerer is but like your walking spur , a gingles much but hee le neu'r pricke .

Kni:

Why art so melancholie ?

Su.

I le hold my life hee is in loue with some waiting Gentlewoman .

Fle:

Hee 's a mad fellowe wil loue anie of you all , longer then a pissing while .

Pis:

Why camst thou out of Italy into England ?

Fl:

Because England would not come into Italy to me ?

Pis:

Why art sad ?

Fle:

Because I haue cause .

Pis:

Who doost follow ?

Fle:

My nose .

Sp:

Who doost serue ?

Fle:

God .

Ruff:

Who art towards ?

Fle:

He that s before me .

Sp:

What doost want ?

Fle.

Money .

Sp.

Nothing else ?

Fle.

Yes .

Sp,

What ?

Flei.

A good seruice .

Sp.

Shall I preferre thee ?

Flei.

I cannot tell , t is as I like the man .

Sp.

Nai 't shall be to a couple of Gentlewomen of thine owne Countrie .

Fl.

I shall haue enough to doe then I hope , I haue heard of one woman hath seru'd ten men , but I neuer heard that one man should bee preferred to serue two women before : y' are an Englishman .

Sp.

I .

Fl.

So I thought indeede , you cannot poyson so well as we Italians , but you le finde a meanes to bring a man out of his life as soone . Gods light serue two women quoth you ?

Sp.

Why thou shalt serue but one , yet take thy choice of both .

Fl,

I marry Sir , I like when 't comes to choosing .

Sp.

What s thy name ?

Fle.

Fleire .

Sp:

What s thy profession ?

Fle:

I haue euer been a Courtier .

Sp:

A Courtier ! come Gentlemen , I like this fellowe so well that i le prefer him straite .

Nan .

Do so , you shall doe a deed of charitie in 't .

Sp.

Faire Ladies you le excuse vs .

Exeunt . Su.

You haue bin very welcome Gentlemen .

manent Su , Nan Na:

Come sister , there rests nothing for vs now but this : we le get vs mens apparrel , and serue them as Pages so shal we hinder them in their marriages , and in th' end preferre our selues to be their wiues .

Su,

I like it well , come le ts about it presently .

Exeunt . Finis Actus Primi .

Actus secundus . Enter Fleire , Solus in a new Suite . Fl.

I haue not yet bin seauen daies heere , and yet I see that grieues my very soule : my Daughters , my Ladies I must say now , make lust , labour for their maintenance , & this foolish nation wil sel their goods , their lands , nay their very soules for nights delights and momentarie sportes , which like to lightning appeares , and vanisheth ere one can say t is come : but then repentance sticks close . There was a fellow with one of my Ladies this morning , and the poore slaue has but seauen shillings a weeke boord wages , and yet he has giuen sixe on 't for a bit of extraordinarye flesh , well : God giue him the grace to pray , for a must fast . I askd the hot slaue why a did not marrie since a could not bridle his lust ? and a tolde me a had rather fal into the Surgions mercy , then the worldes beggery ; well , I see it cannot be denide , mercinarie women are necessarie members : they plucke downe the pride of the flesh , yet are not proud themselues , for thei 'le be as familiar with the men as with the Master : they doe as many good deedes as some Fryers that puts one to pennance for his sinnes , they put twentie to paines : he out of charitie sends one to the Hospital once a yeare , they send twentie to the Surgions once a month . Say he bids men repent , they make a'm repent , yet for all this some will call a'm damn'd Puncks : well , if they bee damn'd , thei le not be damn'd gratis like your yong countries Gentlemen , nor in hugger mugger like your Citizens wife with her Prentise . They can practise without an ouerseer : they scorne to haue a Suburbian Baw'd lend am a Taffaty gown , & they ( like your common Players ) let men come in for two pence a peece , and yet themselues to haue but the tenth penny , like the tenth Pigge , yet faith the trade is a good trade : They for sweare not themselues , in commendation of their wares , as your common Tradesmen doe , swearing they cannot afford it at the price . They are no prouerb breakers : beware the buyer say they , you shall haue enough for your money , if halfe will not serue your turne take the whole , measure by your own yard , you shal haue Winchester measure . I was somewhat bold with one of their Ladiships this morning , & askt her why women went to the generating sport al the yere , since beastes themselues went too 't but once ? And she answered me , because they were women , & had reason to know what was good for themselues , and so had not beasts : but soft , here comes Signior Petoune .

Enter Petoune taking Tobacco . Pet.

O Fleire , how doost Fleire ?

Fle.

O Signior , you may snuffe out your smoke here Signior , and saue your oath too , heere are no Cuckold makers .

Pet

What are they Fleire ?

Fl.

Women Signior , women : I heard what a rash Gentleman you are to forsweare your Mistris companie in the verie heat of your affection .

Pet:

Hang her , hang her , shee s a very crickee , shee hath written for me three or foure times , but i le see her damn'd ere i le come to her , woot take anie Tobacco Fleire ?

Fle.

No , not I ; i le not make my nose a red Herring , i le not hang him i th' smoke .

Pet:

Thou art a good Courtier Fleire , tha 'st got a sute alreadie .

Fl,

Nay , I haue two or three Offices too .

Pet:

Prithe what are they ?

Fl:

Why I am Yeaman a th' Iurden , Gentleman a th' smock and Squire of entertaynment : for when your Gallants approch , I take their in combe , for if I stay till their out come , the deuill a bit of any siluer sir can I get : for your new made Gallants lay all on the backe and spend all at h belly .

Pet.

How doe thy two Ladies liue Fleire ?

Fl:

Like two musk-cats in a Coope .

Pet:

Why ? I heere say they liue gallantly .

Fl,

Pheu , they ? why they keepe a little court .

Pet:

And what art thou ? a Sumner ?

Fl.

A Sumner , why ?

Pet:

Because thou art one of the ; harke in thine eare .

Fl.

Well said Caulfe , hast bin a sucking all this while for that iest ? no , I haue an honorable place , I am one of their leaders , for their shooes are so hie , and their heeles so short if they should not be led , thei 'd play domesticke trickes abroad , and show all .

Pet.

Thou their leader ! why doe they meane to goe to the warres ?

Fle:

I thinke so , for I am sure here were a couple of gentlemen last night that scowr'd their peeces .

Pet:

I thinke Fleir thy Ladies are not wee rich .

Fle:

How can they ? they spend when others get .

Pet.

Dost heare Fleir ? woot prefer me to their seruice ?

Fle.

What! shall wee embrace ? shall we haue red-nos'd Corporals here : what you rogue ? will you turne Sumner ? away you whale-nosd rogue away , goe , snufle , snufle in the Ocean , away you slaue .

Pet ,

Is thy name Fleir ? tha' rt a flattering , fleering , cogging knaue .

Exit . Enter two Ladies , one singing : Fel. His mans red hose , were the colour of his nose , and his breech was made of blue , And he in shape , but a French-mans Ape , And so sweete sir adieu . " Holla , holla ye pampred Iades of Asia , " And can you draw but twentie miles a day ? Flo.

Giue me a bowe , I le hit the Sunne .

Fel,

Why ti 's impossible .

Flo ,

No more canst thou hit true felicitie .

Fel,

O I am in an excellent humor , now I could laugh , daunce , leape , or doe anie light tricks that belongs to a light wench .

Flo ;

But looke who 's here ?

Fel,

O signeur Fleir , how dost , how dost man ? we may bee merrie before thee , thou l't be secret , wo't not ?

Flo:

As your Midwife , or Barber Surgeon Madam ;

Fel:

How lik'st the Citie Fleir , ha , how lik'st it ?

Flo ,

Faith wel Madam , were not your Citizens , such heauie head fellowes :

Fel,

That s a signe they are no drunkards .

Fle.

Indeede Madam , drinke lightens the head , the heart , the heeles , the pot , the purse ; but it makes heauie chamberpots , full bowels , and foule roomes enough .

Fel:

Howe dost like the Gentlemen of this Countrey ?

Fle:

I can compare your Gentleman , and your Marchant , to nothing so fitly as your Flea and your Lowse : I had rather trust your lowse with a hundred pound , then your Flea with fortie ; for your Lowse , like the Marchant , standes too 't , you shall knowe where to finde him , but your Flea , like the Gentleman , if you take him not at first sight a slips from you .

Flo:

Me thinks they haue a strange fashion heere , they take money with their wiues , and giue money to their wenches .

Fle:

And good reason too ( Madam ) woulde you haue a man bee troubled with a wife , as long as he liues for nothing ? A giues money to his wench , to be as soone rid of her as he has done with her .

Fel:

What s the reason Fleir , the Citizens wiues weare all Corks in their shooes ?

Fle:

O Madam , to keepe the custome of the Citie , onely to bee light heeld . The Cittie is like a Commodie , both in partes and in apparell , and your Gallants are the Actors : for hee that yesterday played the Gentleman , nowe playes the Begger ; shee that played the Wayting-woman , nowe playes the Queane ; hee that played the married-man , nowe playes the Cuckolde ; and shee that played the Ladie , nowe playes the Painter . Then for their apparell , they haue change too : for shee that wore the Petticote , now weares the Breech ; hee that wore the Coxcombe , now weares the feather ; the Gentleman that wore the long Sworde , nowe weares the short Hanger ; and hee that could scarce get Veluet for his Cape , has nowe linde his Cloake throughout with it .

Flo:

But how dost like the Court Fleir ?

Fle:

Well ynough , if they did not catch their meate so ; it comes no sooner from Table , but tone fellow has a fatte Ducke by the rumpe , thother a slipperie Ele by the taile , and an olde Courtier that best knew the tricks on 't , was mumbling of a Cunnie in a corner alone by himselfe .

Fel.

What good cheere didst see there ?

Fle,

Faith there was much good meate , but me thought your faire Ladie was your onely dish .

Flo.

I , but that s a costly dish , and will aske rich sawcing .

Fle.

Faith for mine owne part when I had a stomacke , I shoulde like it best in it owne naked kinde , without anie sauce at all .

Flo.

What s the newes now at Court Fleir ?

Fle.

Faith they say your Ladyes cannot endure the old fashion Spurre , they say it hanges to a mans heele like a Wheele-barrow , but they loue the fine little Scottes Spurre , it makes the Court Gennet curuet , curuet gallantly .

Flo:

I prethe Fleir , howe goes the report of vs two abroad ?

Fle.

If I should tell you , I feare your Ladiships woulde be angrie .

Flo.

No not a whit .

Fle,

But alas they are your common people , they are like your Slippers , they are alwayes gaping , their mouthes are neuer shut .

Flo ,

But what say they of vs ?

Fle,

Alas Madam , their tongues are like your drie leather shooes , alwayes creaking :

Flo ,

But I prethe tell vs , what doe they say of vs ?

Fle:

I shall offend your Ladiships .

Flo ,

I tell thee no .

Fle,

But alas Madam , I doe not beleeue them , because I knowe the conditions of the slaues ; whie I le tell you , their tongues are like the Iacke of a Clocke , still in labour .

Flo.

I thinke tha' rt madde , I prethee tell vs what they say .

Fle.

I would be loath to displease you .

Flo ,

I tell thee thou shalt not .

Fle.

Faith they say your Ladiships are a couple of stately Curtizans .

Flo.

Faith that was not much amisse said they no worse ?

Flei,

You 'l not be angry with me .

Flo ,

No a' my word .

Fle.

By my troth they said stately whores .

Flo ,

What pagan rogues be these ? were they but roasted Larkes for my sake , I would crush em bones and all .

Fel,

Why ? are you so angry sister ? you know they speak truth .

Flo ,

Why are wee whores ?

Fel,

What are we else ?

Flo.

Why we are Curtizans .

Fel.

And what difference pra'y ?

Flei.

O great great madam , your whore is for euery rascall but your Curtizan is for your Courtier .

Flo ,

He has giuen you a difference now .

Flei,

And indeed Madam I said so , for in truth I was very angry with ' am , but they said you were for euery seruingman too .

Flo ,

Did they say so ?

Flei,

Yes indeede Madam , I hope I haue touch'd you now .

Flo ,

He hold my life this slaue the Seruingman , that was with me this morning , has brag'd of my kindenes to him .

Flei,

Nay , that s like lie , neuer trust a fellow that wil flatter , fleire , and fawne for foure nobles a yeare .

Flo ,

Well , i le nere haue Seruingman touch anie linnin of mine agen .

Flei,

Yes Madam , a may touch't when t is at the Laundresses .

Flo ,

I , at my Laundresses , or else not : but what a rascal 's this ? by this light , i le neuer suffer seruingman come neere me agen .

Flei,

Yes Madame , to deliuer you a letter or so .

Fl.

By this hand , not vnlesse the Rogue kisse his hand first .

Flei,

O Madam ! why ? since blew coates were left oft , the kissing of the hand is the seruing mans badge , you shall know him by 't : but Madam , I speake something boldly of you now and then , when I am out of your hearing , to heare what the world wil say of you , for you know that s the way to pumpe filthie wordes out of their mouthes , if there bee anie in them .

Fel.

And doe so still , wee allow thee to say anie thing , for thereby we shall know our friendes from our foes .

Flei,

I assure your Ladiships , I loue you , and am sorrie for you from my soule , although you know it not .

Flo ,

Wee doubt it not .

Fel.

Come sister will you in ?

Flo ,

I prithee Fleire informe vs how the tide of opinion runs on vs , least we be drown'd in the slaunderous imaginations of the world .

Flei,

I shall be very vigilant of your reputations .

Amb ,

Be so .

Exeunt Sisters . Enter Ruffell . Flei,

Who comes heere a Gods-name ? O , my gallant ruffles it out in silke , where haue you bin all this while ?

Ruff,

Faith at Court Fleire , when wert thou there ?

Fl,

Faith but yesterday , where I saw a Farmers Son sit newly made a courtier , that sat in the presence at cardes , as familiar as if the chayre of state had bin made of a peece of his fathers Barne-doore : O t is a shame : I would haue state be state in earnest and in game , I like your Courtier for nothing but often saying his praiers .

Ruff,

What , I thinke thou seldome saist thy prayers , since thou hast almost forgot thy Pater-noster .

Flei,

Faith I pray once a weeke doost thou pray oftner ?

Ruff,

I did pray oftner when I was an Englishman , but I haue not praid often , I must confesse since I was a Brittaine : but doost heare Fleire ? canst tell me if an Englishman were in debt , whether a Brittaine must pay it or no ?

Flei,

No , questionlesse no .

Ruff,

I 'me glad of that , I hope some honest statute will come shortlie , and wipe out all my scores .

Fl,

But what s the newes now abroad Maister Ruffell ?

Ruff,

Why they say the Courtiers shall make the Cittizens no more Cuckolds .

Fl.

Excellent newes yfaith , excellent newes , then the Court will grow rich .

Ruff,

Rich ? Why man why ?

Fl,

Why then your Courtier will not bestow his mony in buying the Merchants idle commodities to ly with his wife .

Ruff,

Fleire I did but to trie thee , the tide of the floud is turn'd man .

Fl,

Then let them sweat for 't .

Ruff,

For what ?

Fl,

If they striue against the streame .

Ruff.

No , but I meane the Cittizens must cuckold the courtiers

Fle,

Excellent newes y faith , excellent newes , then the court will grow rich .

Ruff,

What , like your weauers shuttle ? make cloath forward and backward , but how I prithe ? but harke you Fleire , are you capable of a secret ?

Fl,

As your common Cockatrice , that receiues the secrets of euery man .

Ruff:

Then I must intreat , I may trust thee .

Fl,

That 's because I am no Taylor , for if I were , thou wouldest intreate me to trust thee .

Ruff,

Sirra , they say your Ladies are a couple of common Punckes , I hope I may trust you with a secret ?

Fl,

Sir , sir , do y' heare , do y' thinke they are no worse ?

Ruff,

Worse ! why can they be worse ?

Fl,

O sir , I they may be priuate Puncks : why I tell you he that takes vp his priuate Punckes linnin , were better take vp anie commodity about the Town : if t were a commoditie of Mousetrappes , a should not loose much by the bargaine .

Ruff,

But hark you Fleire hark you , t is suppos'd I can tell you they are a couple of priuate Puncks .

Fl.

Nay , then there s some hope thei le proue honest women .

Ruff.

Yea , how Fleire how ?

Fl.

Why your priuate punck would leaue being a punck , rather then be priuate to one man for nothing , and then if al men were like thee , they would be honest , for thou hast nothing to giue am .

Ruff,

What a cogging fleiring Rogue is this , nothing will anger him : but do y' heare Fleire ; art thou a procurer , or a knaue ? for one of them I am sure thou art .

Fl.

A procurer ! what s that ?

Ruff.

One that procures meanes for procreation , vulgarly cald a Pander .

Fl,

By this light now , were I a notable Rogue , should I denie my profession , why , I am a procurer sir .

Ruff,

Nay , then thou art a Knaue too that s certaine , for there is such a simpathie between a Procurer and a knaue , as there is betwixt an Alcumist and a Begger .

Fl,

But looke you sir , pra'y wil you tel me one thing now .

Ruff.

What s that ?

Fl,

Are you a Whoremaster or a Theife , for one of them i me sure you are .

Ruff,

By this light now a comes neere mee too , why I am a whoremaster .

Fl,

Nay , then you are a theef too , that s certaine , for your whoremaster alwaies filcheth for victuals , for you knowe flesh is mans foode , mary sir you cannot be hang'd for 't , t is but petti lassarie at moste , but you may chance bee whipt for 't and burn'd too ; but not i th' hand Signior , not i th' hand .

Enter Sparke . Sp.

Saue ye Gentles .

Ruff.

Then we are enemies to the Iewes .

Fle.

O my good preferrer , how does your worshippe , you are a stranger heere .

Sp.

Faith I haue been with two Gentlewomen , in whose companie thou first sawst vs , and there the Knight , Sir Iohn Haue-little is so in loue with the younger , as a knowes not whether a should reioyce , shee had so much beautie : or lament , because he is like to inioy none on 't .

Fl,

By my troth I tooke him for a Coniurer , when I first saw him , a talkt so much of his soule and the Deuill .

Sp:

Why a sould his soule to the Deuillman , for the veluet that lines his cloake .

Fl.

And when will he giue the Diuell his dew ?

Sp,

Nay , a deales with him , as a does with his Tailor , goes vpon trust and meanes to pay them both at the latter day .

Flo ,

But does not the Gentlemen iest at him ?

Sp,

Yes , one of them asked if he were a celestriall or a terrestrial Knight , & he very ignorant lie asked what Knights they were ? your terrestriall Knight quoth she , is of a grosse element , and liues vppon landes of his owne , but your celestrial Knight , hee liues by the Heire , that is , by his elder Brother . He it was , was Knighted , when so few scapt the sword , and he it is that now liues by the sword .

Fl,

And what said the Knight , what said he ?

Sp,

Faith as some Courtiers doe , laugh at that he did not vnderstand , and swore an oath or two of the new fashion , as , by my conscience Ladie you haue a verie good spirit , & so after two or three Court complements , beseech'd the Ladies retaine him still in their good graces , kist his hand and went his way .

Fl,

Faith mee thinkes your English Ladies were verie gallant Creatures , had they not one fault .

Sp,

What 's that ?

Fl,

I haue hend say , they will rise sooner , and goe with more deuotion to see an extraordinarie execution , then to heare a Sermon .

Sp,

O signor , condemne not all for some , indeede I must confesse there haue been Ladies at executions .

Fl,

I , and they sat bare fac't too , for feare the little fleet holes of their maskes should not giue their eyes roome ynough for such a prospect : one Ladie thrust her head so far out at a windowe , with greedy desire to see all , that the whole body was like to followe , making a forked tree with her head downe , had nother Gentleman Vsher , contrarie to the nature of his office , catcht hold of her behinde .

Sp,

A forked tree , why what tree doost thou thinke shee would haue made ?

Fl:

O sir , a Medler-tree , a Medler-tree .

Sp,

But Fleire , how does the Gentleman Vsher liue with thy Ladies ?

Fl.

Faith sir in the nature of a Munkie , that flatters and fawnes , and shakes his taile in his Mistres lap : but yfaith Gallants , whether are you two bound now ?

Sp.

We are euen readie for your two Ladies Signeur ;

Fle,

Faith and you shall finde my two Ladies as readie for you two : Come , come , I le put you in the way of all flesh , I le send you to Graues-ende , I le see you in the Tilt-boat , When you are there , ship your selues : in , in , in .

Ex. Spe. & Ruf. Enter Piso and Knight . Piso ,

How is 't Fleir ?

Fle.

O my Lord , you are a welcome man .

Kni.

Saue you O signeur .

Fleir:

O my gracious knight , and whither are you two bound now ?

Piso.

Faith een to your two Ladies signeur ,

Fle,

Yea ? and will you to the South-ward yfaith ? will you to the confines of Italie my Gallants ? take heede how ye goe Northwardes , t is a daungerous Coast , ieast not with 't in Winter , therefore goe Southwardes my Gallants , South-wards hoe : I haue shipt two Gallants in a storme , I feare they haue spent their maine Mastes by this time , and are comming home agen : but if you will Southwards , my hearts of golde , I le shippe you in pompe , I le sende yee vnder the verie line , where the Sunn 's at hottest .

Piso.

But come , shall we goe see thy Ladies , Fleir ?

Fle.

I , I , I , Come : but my good Lord you le bee a welcome man , for I haue heard her often sweare , that had she such a Husband , a man so richly deckt in vertuous ornaments , shee woulde forsake this life , her-selfe , nay , her verie being , to be your's ; O my good Lord , shee loues you deerly .

Piso.

Pheu , but I cannot requite it ,

Fle.

Why my good Lord ?

Piso.

Shee s a common thing .

Fle.

But say she may turne my Lord .

Piso.

Shee has beene so much worne , shee s not worth the turning now .

Fle.

O my Lord , penitence doth purge a spotted soule , and better leaue sinne late then not at all : and I doe knowe my Lorde , that for your loue from her immodest life shee l turne .

Piso.

I , I , I doubt not but shee le turne : but t' will bee like a Buzzard Hawke that turnes her tayle to her game .

Kni:

Fleir , is the gentleman vsher that I preferd to your Ladies in any fauour with them ?

Fle.

Great , great : a kisses his hand with an excellent grace , and a will leire and fleire vppon am , hee 's partly their Phisitian , a makes am Suppositories , and giues am Glisters .

Kni:

And how liues he with am .

Fle:

Faith like Thisbe in the play , a has almost kil'd himselfe with the scabberd : but hearke you Knight , you 'l bee a welcome man to my yonger Ladie , I protest shee thinkes worthily of you .

Kni:

Signeur , I must confesse , I am beholding to your Ladie ; and to tell you truly , I haue much affected her since I first saw her .

Fle:

Vpon my worde sir , to my knowledge she is an honest Gentlewoman , yet the worlde may chance speake ill of her . Why I haue heard some say Penelope was a Puncke , hauing no reason to suspect her , but because shee set vp late a nightes , when t' was but to vndoe that which shee did by day . I haue heard some say Hercules was a coward because hee did not fight at single Rapier like a gallant , but with a Club .

Kni:

Nay , I haue no reason to thinke the worse of her for the report of the worlde ; for the world signeur perchance speakes ill of you , or me .

Fle:

Why , y' are int h ' right , I haue heard some say , you were a verie needie Knight , and that you had but one shirt to your backe when you came first to this towne ; Nay more , when your Lackie carried it to the Laundresse , it was founde to bee a womans smocke , that you had borrowed : but what ? shoulde my Ladie , or I beleeue this nowe ?

Kni.

I hope shee doth not ,

Fle.

No , no , no .

Piso :

Come Fleir shall we see thy Ladies ?

Fle.

I , I , hoe , whos 's within there ?

Enter Seruingman . Seru.

What would you haue maister Fleir ?

Fle:

Prethe shewe these Gentlemen vp into the great Chamber , and giue my Ladies notice of their being here , haue a little businesse my Lordes , Hee le conduct yee , yee shall finde a couple of your acquaintance there . Exeunt : manet Fleir . Could I but worke Lord Piso , and my eldest daughter , to make am both affect and loue each other , that marriage might vnite their hearts togither : O then there were assured hope wee might redeeme our honours lost , and regaine our right in Florence . And for this Knight though hee bee poore , yet would hee married were vnto Felicia .

For of a louing husbands awfull eye , Sets right the womans steps that went awrie . Heauen I know has grace ynough in store , To make most chaste , a most lasciuious whore . Enter the two wenches in boyes apparell . How now ? who haue we there ? a couple of footmen ? Su.

You see sir , we are not a horsebacke .

Fle:

Howe nowe my little fire-workes of witte ? what ? flashes and flames ? tell me true , were you neuer Vshers to some great mans Coach-mares ? did youe neuer run bare before them ?

Nan ,

Neuer we sir :

Fle.

Whither are you going ?

Sus.

Sir we want a service , end are going to get a Master .

Fle.

Come , come ; I le preferre you both , thou shalt serue a Countrey-man of mine , hee s going to trauaile : shalt goe with him , & thou shalt serue one of my Ladies .

Su.

We would willingly serue two nere friendes , because we are brothers , and indeed two twins , and therefore are loath to be parted .

Fl:

Two twins ? that 's all one , come , come , you shall serue 'am .

Nan .

You shall pardon vs sir .

Enter Flor , Sparke , Felec : Ruffell , Piso , Knight and Fromaga . Flor.

I hope you le not condemne me for my loue .

Sp:

I haue no reason Lady .

Flo:

I offered you vnaskt .

Sp:

That with a number oft hath bought .

Flo:

Partlie they haue , and partlie not , for I would haue you know , my function seldom sels affection : what though I haue euill liu'd ? repentant teares can wash away my sin , which i le poore foorth like droppes of winter raine , and now hencefoorth , euer I le this life abhor , and to the earth my knees i le dayly bow , to get mercy from heauen , loue from you .

Nan .

O the deuill take impudencie she courts him .

Sp.

Madam , the loue that I may giue you , fully doe inioy , but I haue sworne with other loue then as a Brother doth a sister neuer to loue any .

Fel.

O sir , my fortunes are not fellowes with my birth , they make me stoope to base deiected courses , but would you loue me , I would as swift as thought flie this life , and leaue lusts fowlest sinne , for fleshlye beastes to sleepe and wallow in .

Su:

Shame to thy sex , no more .

Ruff:

Lady , in all the honest offices that friendship may commaund , commaund me still , but yet I haue not seene the face to which I owe so much of loue , as may iustly arrest my affections , and when I doe , i le pay so due a debt without imprisonment .

Pis:

Methinkes yond Lady growes fayrer much then she was wont , me thinks her feature mendes , & her comely gesture , much hath drawne my heart to loue her , O but shee 's a whore .

Nan .

Gentlemen doe you lack a Boy ?

Sp.

No ,

Nan .

O God , I am vndone .

Su:

Sir do' y want a Seruant ?

Ruff:

No .

Su:

O Lord what shall I doe ?

Pis:

What canst doe ?

Na:

Any thing that a Boy should doe .

Kni.

Woot dwell with me ?

Su:

T is partly as you le vse me .

Kni:

I le vse thee well .

Su:

Well .

Pis:

Tell me , are you both content to dwel with vs two ?

Both .

As please you two .

Pis.

Then thou shalt liue with me .

Kni.

And thou with me .

Sp:

Come Gentlemen will you bee going ?

Both

We attend you sir .

Sp.

Ladies our occasions cals vs hence , and I am sorrye we must leaue you .

Exeunt : manent Piso and Nan . Flo.

Gentlemen you all both haue , and euer shall bee welcome .

Pis:

Lady I will leaue you much affection more then I thought to lend you , but I deale on vse , and haue much interest .

Flei:

Caught I hope : hold hooke and line , hee 's fast by heauen .

Flo.

My Lord , what you lend me , with much interest shall be repaide .

Pis.

Adew .

Flo.

Fare you well ; refusd .

Fel.

Contemn'd .

Flo:

Disdain'd .

Fel:

Abus'd .

Flo:

Adyes .

Fel,

A shall not liue :

Flor.

Disdaine the Daughter of such a Signior .

Fel,

Condemne a Ladie borne ? sister we are wrong'd .

Flo ,

But if you le consent I haue a proiect laid , that in requitall both of them shall die .

Fel.

You make my soule sweet harmony , come le ts about it then .

Exeunt . Finis Act : Secundi .

Actus Tertius scena prima . Enter the Ladies each with a Letter , and Fleire aside . Flo.

Are we in priuate ?

Fel,

We are ?

Flo ,

Pray Sister what moouing lines of loue has your Knight toucht your affection with ?

Fel.

Faith his stile is plaine , onely a little courtlike silken phrase it has , but I hope your lord hath sent rich words like iewels , for your eares against your nuptiall day .

Flo.

Faith a woes with lines that might perswade another thought , not mee , which i le lend your eyes , vpon the like receiued curtesie from you .

Fel.

With all my heart .

Change Letters . Flo.

What haue we heere ?

Reade .

Lady I know the noblenes of your disposition defends you from the least Sparke of basenesse , wherefore I inuocate euerie particular vertue of yours to be mediators to your best iudgement for my better estimation in your loue , my affection is zealous , my intent honorable , my desire mariage : thus desiring your resolued answere , I rest .

Euer at your disposure : lacke Haue-little Knight .

Vpon my life some friend did pen it for the foole .

Fel.

Let me see what 's this ?

Reade .

You the vnderstanding spirit of a woman , let the splender of your Beautie , with some heate of your affection shine vpon the creature that adores yee , and with the heauenlye comfort of your loue , melt and thaw dispaire from in dying heart which if it liue , it liues to loue , it dye if it dyes in loue , but howsoeuer , t is your's , t was made for you , liues by you , and dies without you .

Yours in the moste affectionate degree of affection . Don Piso De Florence .

Sister vpon my life this is sonne and heire to Duke Piso that now is .

Flo:

O would hee were ! but whosoere he bee , a must bee made a match to giue fire to the hell blacke pouder of our reuenge , yet your loue : the wise Knight and he , are two in one , there are no such friendes as they .

Fle.

Then let them march both hand in hand in one way .

Flo:

Then shall be thus : these two being earnest suters for our loues , wee le graunt vpon condition , that suddenly they murther Sparke and Ruffell , but first to take the Sacrament if euer it be knowne , as knowne 't will be , to keep our names vnspotted in the action ; this being done ,

Fel.

Let them challenge vs , wee and our loues are won . but say they should reueale vs .

Flo.

O none will breake a Sacrament to heape vp periury on other sinnes , when death & hel stands gaping for their soules .

Fel.

But say they raile on vs .

Flo.

If they doe , t is knowne , we lou'd Sparke , and Ruffel , and men will thinke they kild a'm for our loues , since they liu'd in our fauour these in disgrace .

Fel, I like it well , come le ts hasten it , For this is euen as true as er'e was text , Plots are but dreames vntill they take effects . Exeunt . Fle.

O God , I think the path to hell that women tread is broder then the way men goe : how they walke by couples to the Deuill ?

Enter Piso. Pis.

O that I should loue a whore , a very common Cocatrise , my thoughts are drown'd in a gulf of sinne , shee 's a very Canniball , which doth deuoure mans flesh , and a Horse-leach that sucks out mens best blouds perfection : a very prisoners box , that s ope for euery mans beneuolence : and I am Heire vnto a Duke , yet loue her : doth any man heere loue a whore ? I , who ? I , I , I , t is I , an arrant puncke & common hirde Hackney , and yet I loue her ; I adore her , I doate on her , I worshippe her , O would some goodman would cut my throate , and put me out of paine — of paine , O that nature would not make an honest woman !

Fl:

She did , she did my Lord .

Pis,

Ar't there ? speake , who was 't ?

Fl,

Eue , Eue my Lord , she was honest .

Pis,

Art sure on 't ?

Fl.

I sure my Lord , for there was no man to tempt her but her husband .

Pis,

I thought t was some such countrie Gentlewoman , O Fleire . Fleire I loue a whore .

Fl,

Why my Lord , were you neuer a Soldier ?

Pis.

Yes . yes ,

Flo

Why then t is your profession , you neede not be asham'd of your trade .

Pis.

But Fleire woot helpe me , woot helpe me man ?

Fl.

I , I , who i' st ?

Pis,

Thy Lady , thy elder Ladie .

Fl,

O my Lord , loue her ? why shee 's a whore .

Pis,

I Fleire , but she may turne .

Fl:

But shee is so much worne my Lord , shee 's not worth turning now .

Pis.

Doe not vex me , doe not torment me : doe not torture me vpon the racke of ieastes , I tell thee if shee please , she may turne .

Fl:

I my Lord , taile to her game , like a buzard hauk , or so :

Pis.

Yet againe , now the Deuill take thy body , and damnation light vpon thy soule , destruction on thy bones , confusion in thy marrow , dost scorne me , mocke me , vexe me , torment mee ? dost ? dost ? I le hang my selfe , nay , I le damne my self rather then loue thy Ladie , and be abusd by thee : I will , I will .

Exit Piso : Enter Knight . Kni.

O Fleir how does thy Ladie ?

Fle.

I deliuerd your letter sir , and she thanks you for 't :

Kni.

And how does she ? ha , how does she ?

Fle.

Faith not well , she has taken phisick , and your gentleman vsher there ministers to her : shee s very great , and she sayes she feeles much stirring in her bellie .

Kni:

Sure then Fleir she has eaten too much raw fruit .

Fle:

Vpon my life then , they be plums , and the stones make her swell .

Kni:

Sure ther . t' is so , I should send her something to comfort her nowe beeing sicke : what doest thinke were best Fleir ?

Fle.

Send her an Oten cake , t' is a good Northern token : sir Raph Shaue sent his Mistris one , but I think a meant to ride a iourney on her , and thought Otes woulde make her trauell well .

Kni.

No , Oates is too great a binder after her Physicke , I care not if I goe and visite her , and carrie her a Woodcocke .

Fle.

You 'le goe alone sir .

Kni.

I , I meane so , but how should I carrie him Fleir ?

Fle:

Vnder your Cloke sir , vnder your Cloke .

Kni:

Mas , and thou saiest true , I le goe buy one straight , and yet now I remember me , t' is no great matter if I defer it till she be well , it shall be so Fleir , I will .

Fle:

O y' are of a French humor sir , as inconstant as impacient : I thinke you haue scarce the pacience to tell the clocke when it strikes .

Kni.

Tush , I keepe a boy for such vses .

Fle.

For nothing else ?

Kni.

Yes , to weare a garded Cloke .

Fle:

Not till you be richly married .

Kni.

No , not till I be richly married : hee should weare one now , if my money were come out o' th Countrey .

Fle.

I wonder you would be knighted sir , since your money is so long a comming , that you cannot maintaine your knighthood gallantly .

Kni.

Faith I was knighted to get mee a good wife Fleir .

Fle.

Get you a good wife ? Why looke you sir , speake but the Golden tongue verie perfectly , marry you must speake it well , and call some great Lorde cousen : t' will get you a better wife then three hundred pound ioynter . You may report you haue Colepits too , t' is a warme commoditie I can tell you : they may bee sent about by water ; if they nere come , as your money dooth not , you maye curse the windes , or complaine of Shipwracke : and then though 't bee a lie t' is drown'd .

Kni.

I , but say it should bee proou'd afterwards t' was not true .

Fle.

True ? Gods my life , shee 's a wise woman that will goe as far as new Castle to search the depth of a Cole-pit for your truth .

Kni.

I would be loath to leaue my truth so far hence .

Fle.

But I am sure hee le bring his honestie no nearer hither ; but that comes about by water too as his mony does .

Kni.

But Fleir is not thy Lady a vertuous Gentlewoman ?

Fle.

O yes sir , I often find her in deepe contemplation .

Kni.

Of what I prethe ?

Flr.

Of Aratines pictures .

Kni.

I , I warrant her , O she can endure no bawdrie , shee spits when she heares one speake on 't .

Fle:

That s because her mouth waters at it .

Kni.

Shee s wondrous musicall too .

Fle:

Verie true , she euerie day sings Iohn for the King , and at Vp tailes all , shee s perfect .

Kni.

Be these good tunes Fleir ?

Fle:

Excellent , excellent sir , farre better then your Scottish Iigges .

Kni:

Yet many of our Ladies delight much in the Scottish Musicke .

Fle.

I , with their Instruments .

Kni.

Thou hast a good wit Fleir : if I were a greatman thou shouldst be my Secretarie .

Fle.

And I hope I should discharge the place sufficiently : for I haue learning enough to take a bribe , and witte enough to be prowd : but whither are you going now sir ?

Kni.

Faith I am going to thy Ladies Fleir .

Fle.

You will not speake with am now ; for my Ladies will speake with none but Gentlemen .

Kni.

Why sir , I hope I am a Knight , and Knights are before Gentlemen .

Fle.

What Knights before Gentlemen , say ye ?

Kni.

Faith I .

Fle.

That s strange , they were wont to bee Gentlemen fore they were knighted : but for this newes I le folow you .

Kni.

Doe , and as occasion serues I le preferre thee .

Exeunt . Enter Piso , and Nan as his Boy . Piso :

Why should I loue her ? because she s faire , because shee s faire ; because shee 's a whore : for if she wore not faire , she would not be a whore ; & if she were not faire , I should not loue her : Ergo , if shee were not a whore I shoulde not loue her : well concluded witte , well concluded wit ; there is no man breathing could loue her but I , shee 's a whore , yet her beautie haunts me like a Ghost , I cannot sleepe for 't , her remembrance rides me like the Mare a nights , I cannot rest for 't , what shall I doe ? I shall burst boy .

Nan .

My Lord .

Piso :

Will thy tongue be secret ?

Nan ,

As the clapper of a Mill , my Lord .

Piso.

Is not that alwayes going ?

Nan .

I my Lord , but I hope it sayes nothing .

Piso.

O thou hast wit I see I am in loue boy , I am , I am .

Nan

With whom my Lord ?

Piso.

With a verie Wagtaile an' arrant woman , a verie Peace whose pride is maintaind by her taile .

Na.

Then it is maintaind by the worthiest part of her body

Pis:

Come , your wit boy , your proofe .

Nan ,

If a hundred men in a company , mee 't doth not the worthiest man amongst them , first take his place , and sit downe ?

Pis.

I graunt it .

Nan .

And I am sure my Lord , where ere the bodie comes the taile first takes his place , and sits downe , and therefore I hope t is the worthiest part of the body .

Pis.

O that I had the reason of a Sailor to knowe her like a rocke , that I might saile from her and auoide her : or as a vertuous man knowes sinne , to loath and leaue it . And yet shee 's wondrous faire , I would she were as honest : kinde vsage may reclaime her from her sinne , and make her stoupe vnto her Husbands will , as doth a wel-mand Hauke vnto the lure .

Na:

O I , shee has bin man'd alreadie , she knowes the lure and will come to any call .

Pis.

O but her beautie may excuse the folly of her youth , t is want of maintenance hath ouerthrowne her , want and pride are two notorious bawdes : want makes the noblest creature sell her soule for golde , and pride doth make the gallants stoope to lust .

Na.

And often sels pure honestye , to clad her taile in glittering brauerie .

Pis.

And t is well done , let euerie member weare that which it won : why shold the head studdy to maintaine the foote ?

Nan :

Or the foote trot to maintaine the head ?

Pis.

Why should not euery member like a mechanicke man in a common-wealth , labour in his own trade to maintaine it selfe ? then since euery thing must liue , I wil no more condemne beautie for being clad in luxurye , but hencefoorth I will loue her , and let my passion smoothly swimme along the streame of loues affection : hencefoorth I will no more with foule and hated thoughts , abuse so rare a creature , whose behauiour and discourse , inchantes the eares of men , and driues the world into a wonder — ay me !

Na.

Faith my Lord you l nere win a woman by sighing , crossing your armes , and crying aye mee ! the onely way to wiN them , is to care little for am : when they are sad doe yee sing : when they sing and are merrie , then take your time & put am too 't : if they will , so : if not , let them snick vp , if you will walke in my Lord , i le shew ye manie principles I learn't of my Mother , they may doe your lordship good .

Pis. Go go , I will : but O vnhappie fate , When youth and weakenes must support our state . Exeunt . Enter Fleire one way , Sparke , Ruffell and Petoune another way . Sp:

How now Fleire ?

Ruff:

Saue you Fleire .

Flei,

Saue ye Gallants : O Signior Petoune , shall you and I be friendes agen ?

Sp:

Why are ye enemies ?

Fle,

No great enemies , a quarrell rose betweene vs .

Pet ,

I doe not like such quarrels , a struck mee sir , and I protest and sweare to you sir by this Trinidado , had I not taken the box on my cheeke , a had broke my Pipe .

Sp:

Why didst not strike him agen ?

Ruff:

O no , his Father 's a Iustice .

Flei,

Nay if the Father be of the peace , I see no reason the Sonne should fight .

Ruff

What , a Coward Signior ? fye , a coward ?

Fl.

A Coward ? why that s his onely vertue , for a Coward abuseth no man , but a makes him satisfaction : for if a wrong all men , a giues al men leaue to beate him , hee 's like a whetstone , he sets an edge on another , & yet a wil not cut himselfe .

Ruff.

Come , come , we must needes haue you friendes , & thou 'st doe him some good offices .

Fl.

Who ? I ? with all my heart , but what i' st sir ? what i' st ?

Ruff:

Thou shalt commend his loue to Madam Fromaga .

Fl:

His loue to her ? what Signior , in loue with my Ladies Antient ?

Sp:

Why her Ancient ?

Fl:

Because shee carries her colours for her , but t is in a box : but signior you shall haue a good match on 't , though she be not rich , yet shee 's an ancient woman , and is able to get her liuing , by midwiferie , and I can tell yee t is not the worst trade going , considering how young and olde , and all doe their good wils to set them a worke , and t is a good hearing , better they gette then the Lawyers , for your midwiues liue by the agreement betweene partie and partie , & the falling in of louers , but the Lawyers liue by the falling out of friendes .

Pet:

I pray sir what may she be worth ?

Flo.

Worth ? let me see , shee hath three yellow perewigs of her own : she hath a Fan with a short siluer handle about the length of a Barbors siringe ; she has a Looking-glasse too , but that has plaid the prodigall Cittizen with her , t is broken , and much other goods of the same nature .

Sp.

But come Signior , how will you woe her ?

Pet.

I will tell her she is so wise , that neither age nor time could cousen her of beautie .

Fl,

And by my faith that will doe well .

Pet.

I will tell her that I loue her most for the whitenes of her skin .

Fl:

But you may not say the sweetnes of her breath , for that stinks .

Pet.

I will praise the smallness of her fingars .

Fl.

But I assure you , you may better praise the length of her nailes .

Pet.

I am affraide that being olde shee has a drye hand .

Fl,

That s certaine , but she has a very moiste nose , you may praise her for that : but my Gallants why are ye such strangers at our little Court ?

Sp:

Because thy Ladies liue like the Beadles of Bridewell .

Fl,

How 's that sir ?

Sp:

By the sinnes of the people .

Ruff.

They say the Lord Piso , hath bin a good Clyent to thy elder Ladie of late .

Fl,

The more foole hee ? why your good Client is but like your studdie gowne , sits in the colde himselfe , to keep the Lawyer warme .

Sp.

And what fees hast thou out of their trade ?

Fl,

Faith my fee's are like a puny Clarkes , a penny a sheete .

Sp,

How a peny a sheete ?

Fle,

Why , if any lie with them a whole night , I make the bed i th' morning , and for that I haue two pence , and that 's a peny a sheete .

Ruff,

What Gallants vse to come to your house ?

Fl:

All sortes , all nations , and all trades : there is first Maister Gallant your Britaine , Maister Metheglins your Welchman , Mounsieur Mushroome the Frenchman : Signior Fumada the Spaniard , Maister Oscabath the Irishman : and Maister Shamrough his Lackey , O and Maister Slopdragon the Dutchman . Then for your Trades-men , there comes first Maister Saluberrimum the Phisitian , Maister Smooth the Silk-man , Maister Thimble the Taylor , Maister Blade the Cutler , and Maister Rowell the Spurrier : but Maister Match the Gunner of Tower-hill comes often ; he has taught my Ladies to make fire-workes , they canne deale in Chambers alreadie , as well as all the Gunners that make am flye off with a traine at Lambeth , when the Maior and Aldermen land at Westminster : but come Signior , you haue Tobacco , and i le giue you a Cup of Muld-sacke and wee le ene goe drinke a health to our Mistresses .

Exeunt . Finis Act. Tertii .

Actus Quartus . Enter the two Ladies Piso and Knight , and Fromaga one way : Sparke , Ruffell , Petoune and Fleire another way . Flo:

Health to our best esteemed friends , Maister Spark and Maister Ruffell .

Fel:

Our , good wishes euer waite vpon our best belooued friendes Maister Ruffell , and Maister Sparke .

Ambo :

Wee both are much indebted to your Ladiships .

Fle:

Looke yee signior , that s she : whose loue meanes to assault your braines , since you haue blowne vp your owne sconce with Tobacco .

Pet.

As I am truely generous , shee 's modest . Faire Mistris , you are so wise , that neither time nor age could euer cousen you of beautie , and I sweare euen by the Alpes high heauen-touching tops , the trauelers narrowe passage , and by the towring head of high mount Chiego , the Sea-mans southward marke : by these the witnesses vnto my trauell , I doe vow that you are passing fayre .

From:

If I be not faire sir , I must be foule .

Pet:

A Foule Lady ? what bird might that be ?

Fro:

A foule Ladie ? y' are a sawcy Iacke to call mee so , that you are .

Pet.

O be not angry , for I protest I cannot but commend the whitenes of your skin .

From:

Mary muffe , I thinke a be a Tanner , and meanes to buy me for my skin .

Pet:

Gods mee ; shee 's angrie , what shall I doe now Signior ?

Fle.

To her agen man , doe not leaue her , the Moone is now vpon change , she will turne .

Pet:

I pray you Ladie knowe mee by the title of some kindenes .

From.

Kindenes ; faith sir you are mistaken in mee , you must seeke your flurts some other where , and I pra'y come not to make a foole of me : alas man though I am a waiting-woman , do not think I spend my time in nothing but tempering of colours , working of drawn-worke , warming of Smockes , and pinning in of ruffes , faith yes .

Fle:

And you come to her Signior you must come to her as countrie Gentlewomen doe into the fashion , that is : in the taile and latter end on 't .

From,

Faith I , and ye come to begin your knauerie on me , i le take you down : I am none of your young simpering waiting-women , that are asham'd to be counted proud , & therefore suffer euerie Seruingman to vse them at their pleasure .

Pet.

Now on my conscience Mistresse , my loue is honest , and I desire marriage .

Fro.

Indeed if you meane mariage , I am content to beare the more with you : but I pra'y sir , when shal we be maried ? by my troth I aske you , because I haue beene so often deceiued , I warrant you I haue bin promised & dealt vpon promises in the way of mariage aboue an hundred times .

Pet.

At our next meeting we wil set down a day for the effecting of it .

Flo.

Gentlemen , we haue some small discourse which a little requires secrecie , therefore if it please ye to walke in , and make vse of our better roomes , wee will not long be absent from you .

Sp. & Ruf With all our heartes . Exeunt . Manent two Ladies the Lord and Knight : Felicia , and the two Wenches disguised , hide themselues . Flo.

Worthy Lord , doe not thinke immodestie in mee though contrarie to the bashfull habite of my sexe , I am inforc'd by loues almightie power , to reueale the secretes of my heart . Your Letters haue so much preuailed with mee , that in a worde I must confesse I loue you .

Fel.

Worthie Knight , I would my wordes had but the power so worke in you , that which your lines haue done in me , then should the happie consolation of my life dwell euer in your loues embracements .

Kni.

Assure ye Ladie , your gift of loue to mee shall bee deserued , though nothing but my liues deare breath requite its .

Piso.

And I will rather die a shamefull death , then liue a hatefull life , which I must do vnlesse I find a meanes that may deserue your loue .

Flo.

No we your tongue goes like a well tuned Instrument , and makes my heart within my bosome daunce with ioy to heare such large requitall of my loue : but durst you to maintaine this your affection , although it were with some daunger of your life ?

Piso.

Durst I ? I vowe , euen by my soules eternitie , I durst .

Flo:

Alas , if you knew all , t' is your owne good , not mine : and yet I lie , t' is my good too , since my life depends vpon your safetie .

Piso.

What is 't deare Ladie ? although it be the death of man , if it be pleasing vnto you I le doo 't .

Flo:

O let me embrace so deare a spirit in so deare a bosome : and since you haue bound your selfe by promise , I will be plaine , there are two that hate you two , because wee loue you , and often haue perswaded vs by giftes and large protestations to haue vs loue them if they kil'd you .

Piso :

What vs ?

Kni:

Who wee ?

Flo:

Nay t' is too true ; for while you liu'd , they said there was no hope for them to looke for any loue from vs : nowe wee poore sillie women , fearing least they without consent of vs , should doe that which their hatred doth intend , wee thinke it fitte preuention first be vsed , by giuing them to drinke of what themselues haue brude .

Piso :

First murther them .

Fel. True , so shall ye then be sure , T' inioy our loues , we yours , and liue secure . Piso.

But what are they Ladies ?

Flo.

Sparke .

Fel.

And Ruffell .

Pis:

They die for 't though they were my fathers sons .

Kni.

They shall not liue .

Piso :

Let little children feare the shallow Brookes , for I can swim though 't be through Seas of blood ; let foolish feare goe dwell with women , for bloodie resolution shall not part from me , I le kill them both euen with mine owne hands , I le doo 't .

Flo.

O no . I le reueale it then , vnlesse you first do swear and take a Sacrament , what euer hap to keepe our names vntoucht .

Piso

Vntoucht ? wee le doo 't .

Fel.

Then for the meanes :

Kni:

Wee le stabb them .

Piso :

Wee le fight with them .

Flo:

No , so you may misse them , and they kill you .

Fel:

Giue them a Figg .

Flo:

Make them drinke their last .

Fel.

Poyson them :

Piso

But for the meanes .

Flo:

You two shall make a banquet , and in a cuppe of Wine a health shall passe .

Piso :

In which i le mingle mingle such a dram , as they shall ride to heauen in post , vnlesse they misse the way .

Kni.

But where shall we get the poyson ? because you knowe t' is daungerous , and will breede suspect where ere wee buy it .

Piso.

I haue a Countrey-man in towne an Apothecarie , one Signeur Aluino , a fellow that is well stor'd , and will sell me of the best .

Nan :

If a were of my minde , a would thinke no poyson too good for you .

Flo

Come then , I would haue you goe about the preparation of the feast .

Exeunt . Fle,

Now boyes , you haue a couple of goodly maisters ,

Nan .

I Fleir , and thou hast a couple of vertuous Mistresses , O they are a couple of damn'd peeces , that will plot or counsell the death of two such worthie Gentlemen .

Su.

For one of them the earth did neuer beare a worthier creature .

Nan :

Which is that ?

Su,

Which is that ? Why sister , haue you so oft confest that his all perfection'd spirit poyntes him out for vertue herselfe to imitate , and yet do y' aske now which is that ?

Fle,

Howe ? sister , nay now I smell you yfaith , do y' heare , do y' heare , whose Fidlers are you two ? what Instruments do you beare I pra'y ?

Nan .

You haue tolde a wise tale , fayth fir wee carrie none .

Fl:

T' is true my little musitians , you carry but the cases my little curtals , yfaith I smell a smock heere too , and are you two wenches yfaith ?

Nan :

If we were , I hope thou wouldest not wrong vs .

Fl:

No , as I am true Italian borne .

Su:

Then t is true , wee confesse to thee wee are both wenches , and the loue of these two Gentlemen , Sparke and Ruffel hath made vs leaue our selues to waite on them which by misfortune we did misse .

Fle.

But beleeue me my little Gallants , yee play the Boyes well .

Na.

Well ? why i le tell thee , I haue plaid the boy so long as I am chang'd into the nature of a boy , i le goe to span-counter with any page in Europe , for his best garters I can tell baudie tales , drinke drunke , brag , sweare , and lye with any Lackie in the towne .

Su:

I can man a punck to a play , or slaunder any Gentlewoman as well as anie Innes a Court puny , I can as well as he , sweare such a Lady is in loue with me , and such a Cittizens Daughter would haue come to bed to mee , when all shall be as true as thy Ladies are honest .

I wonder thou lt liue in such a sinfull place .

Su:

Thy Ladies are as common as any Tauerne doore .

Fl.

Good comparisons , for a man comes no sooner into a Tauerne , but hee s welcome , and the operation of the pot makes him not able to stand when he comes out .

Na,

But what shall we doe in this matter ?

Su.

Doe ? Why complaine them to the Magistrates , and preuent the murder .

Fl,

No , not so , i le tell you how 't shall bee , harke in your eares .

Both : Doe it and we shall euer thanke thee . Come le ts about it then . Exeunt . Enter Signior Alunio the Apotheearie in his shop with wares about him . Al.

What 's this ? O this is Arringus ; this makes the old man able , and the young man lustie , strengthneth the nerues & doth concoct the bloud , and her name is written on the box , because my wife should knowe it in my absence : this is Ciuet , this comes from the Cats taile , I would my were such a Cat : this perfumes your Ladies , and not without cause , for some , I meane whose sweet breath is dead , and teeth mourne in blacke for the losse on 't this makes your young Gallants smell them nine daies before they see them , like young poops : this drug is pretious & deere ; what s this ? O this is the spirit of roses , nineteene bushels and a halfe of Roses make but an ounce , & a dram on 't , t is made of the Quintessence of the water after the fifteenth distillation : none may kisse a Ladie after shee hath annointed her lips with this , vnder the degree of a Lord at least , t is worth nine poundes an ounce , yet I could neuer still it so .

Enter Fleire disguised . Fle.

Saue you Signior .

Alu:

Y' are welcome sir , what doe ye lacke ?

Fel.

I want a seruice , and am by my profession an Apothecarie , and shall be glad to be intertained by you .

Alu:

What countrie man art thou ?

Fle.

I am a Florentine borne .

Alu,

Thou art my Countrie man , and therefore welcom and in happie time , for I am bound for Italy , and want a man to take charge of my Shop , onely this is all : I shall require of you , bee carefull of your cares , and obedient to your Mistresse .

Fle.

I shall remember still not to forget what you giue me in charge .

Alu.

What is thy name ?

Fle,

Iacomo .

Alu:

Well Iacomo , if I finde thee honest thou shalt find me liberall .

Fle.

I would be loath to be found otherwise .

Alu:

Continue so , I prethee , and so farwell Iaques , but i le enforme my wife before I goe to respect thee according to thy merrit .

Exit . Enter Piso and Knight . Fle.

Now come away my Customers , I hope I am fitted for an Apothecary s'hart I thinke i me turnd coniurer , for I haue no sooner cal'd , but the Deuils are appeared , what do yee lacke Gentlemen ?

Pis.

Where 's your Maister fellow ?

Fle.

My Maister is gone into Italie sir , but if you want any thing , i le vse you well , if you want any drugs to make Lotiums , any Restringent Powders , anie Aqua Mirabilis , any Cordiall receipts , or anie Pretious poysons ?

Kni.

What poysons haue you ?

Fle.

Excellent good sir , as euer was tasted , looke you sir , this poysons by the smell , this by the sight , and this by the tastes .

Pis,

Come giue mee some of this that poysons by the taste , but how must I vse it ?

Fl,

Put it into a little wine , and drinke it , t will bring you into a long sleepe .

Pis.

But art sure t will poyson a man ?

Fle.

Am I sure on 't ? why tak 't vpon my credit , t wil poison any vermine , except it be a woman , for t will poyson a Cat sir .

Kni,

Why a Cat hath nine liues sir , and wilt not poyson a woman , seeing t will poyson a Cat ?

Fl.

O no , why a woman hath nine Cats liues , a woman hath more liues then a horse hath diseases , and she wil bee sometimes in as many mindes in an houre , as shee has liues .

Pis,

What times are those ?

Fl.

When shee 's left a rich Marchants Widdow , commonly , and hath many suiters , she will in her minde marrie three or foure and fiftie of a'm in an afternoone , and threescore more , when she goes to bed , yet in the morning shee le haue none of them all , but goe to Church before day , and marry her Prentice for the good seruice a did her in her Husbands time .

Pis,

Well , but what s the price of your poyson ?

Fl.

There s an ounce will cost you a French crowne sir .

Kni:

T is verie deere .

Fle.

O sir t is verie cheape , considering the goodnesse on 't .

Pis.

Yea ? is there good in ill ?

Fl,

O sir , I , in many thinges the better the worser .

Kni.

As how ?

Fle:

As in poyson , or in a punck , for the better whore the worser woman euer .

Pis,

Well honest fellowe , there 's thy money and farwell .

Exit Fle:

I thanke you sir , I haue sold you a poyson my old elders , t wil make ani sleep indeede , and I thank God that 's the worst t will doe , well , farwell Maister Apothecarie . I must now like a friend intreate your shop to haue a special care of it selfe .

Exit . Enter Sparke , Ruffell and Petoune . Ruff,

And shall wee dine with this Honorable Lord , & Knight to day ?

Spa,

Thei le take it vnkindely else .

Ruff,

Signior will you goe ?

Pet. ,

Not I , I was not bid .

Ruff,

That s all one , shalt be my guest .

Sp,

Come , a shall goe , for there will bee his Mistresse Madam Fromaga .

Ruff,

Nay then I knowe the Iet of her complexion will draw the straw of his loue thither .

Sp.

Faith I , poore Signior , I see the Springle of her beautie hath alreadie caught the Woodcocke of his affections .

Pet ,

Wel , I see he that wil haue the commoditie of good wits in his companie , must indure the discommoditie of ieastes , wit is like the heate of blood in youth 't wil breake out .

Ruff,

True Signior , though it bee but on a Scab , but come shall we goe ?

Pet:

I my Heroique spirits , i le followe yee .

Exeunt .

Actus Quintus . Enter Petoune one way , and Nan the Page another way . Nan ,

O Signior Petoune , what newes ?

Pet.

Faith ill newes , the two Florentine Ladies , with Maister Sparke and Maister Ruffell were all poysoned yesterday at a feast by your Lord Piso and the Knight , but the Ladies haue recouered their health , but Sparke and Ruffell are dead , and their burial is committed to Fleire : your Lord & the Knight are committed to prison , & shal to morrow be arraign'd for the murther , and tride by the Ciuill-lawe , because your Lord is a stranger , and claimes to be tride by the law of nations .

Nan :

Faith Signior I am very sorry for my Lord .

Pet ,

I protest sir so am I for them both .

Nan ,

Well Signior i le commit you to God .

Pet ,

Let the whole band of Angels be centinells to your safetie sweet sir .

Exeunt . Enter Fleire at one doore : and a Seruingman at another . Fle,

I pray sir doth Iustice Ferrio dwell heere ?

Ser,

Yes sir a dwells heere .

Fl.

Are you towards him sir ?

Ser.

I am a poore Gentleman , whose fortunes much depend vpon his fauours , and indeede sir I am his Clarke .

Fle.

I pray sir your name .

Seru.

My name is Mittimus sir .

Fle,

Good Maister Mittimus I would very willinglie speake with your Maister .

Ser.

Indeede sir hee 's not well , but if you please to send by me the substance of your busines I shall very carefullie deliuer it .

Fle,

Truely Maister Mittimus my businesse is but this : to morrow the Italian Lord , and Sir Iohn Haue-little are to be araign'd , and your maister beeing the chiefe Iudge of the Court , without this presence or licence , the rest can do nothing : wherefore Doctor Caius intreates to know his pleasure in this businesse .

Mitti:

Sir I shall deliuer your message , and will returne his answere to you presently .

Fle:

Good maister Mittimus therein shall you much obleige me to be thankfull .

O all-directing power yeeld good aspect , And to my purpose giue a blessed ende , My intent is good , O let it so succeede , And be auspicious still to each good deede . Ente : Seruingman with a Ring . Ser:

Sir my maister hath receiued your message , & hath sent this Ring as a token to Doctor Caius , desiring him , since my maisters health will not permit him to be present , to proceede alone to iudgement , and so commends his loue to him .

Fle:

Good maister Mittimus , I shall both deliuer your maisters commendations , and the Ring .

Exeunt seuerally . Enter Lord Piso with a Torch , a Night-cap , and his Doublet open : In prison . Piso. Still tonguelesse night put off thy sable robe , Thou needs not mourne , my villanies were done

By day , thou hadst no hand in them , O I am great , as is a woman that is neare her time :

And life 's the burthen that I beare . But t' is a bastard for that I am asha'md on 't .

The Law I hope is a skilfull midwife , and will soone deliuer me ; grim Iustice doe thy worst ,

Thy crueltie shall prooue a curtesie , And baile me out of prison .

Lie there thou selfe-consuming Taper , true patern of my life , I haue consumde my selfe for others , as thou hast done for mee , and nowe shee has extinguisht my life as I this light .

O how obedient was my bountie , still To her commaund ? my liberalitie Did fatten mischiefe , and hath made her prowde : O that too much of any thing shuld be so ill in euery thing The Suns all seeng eye , with too much vntemperate heate makes wither what it made to flourish . The earth being mother to all wholsome hearbes , With too much fatnesse oft produceth weedes . A sute of cloath doth keepe the bodie warme , When richer garments makes the wearer proude . O , the meanes the sweetest Musicke ; Contentment reuels when that string is toucht ; But O , the time will come she will repent My death : for when she lookes on vices face Vnmaske like mine ; she will detest and loath it . For this is truth and euermore hath bin , None can forsake before he knowes his sinne . Exit . Enter Fleir , Sharke , and Ruffell . Fle.

Come , come , thou didst but dreame thou wert in hell .

Sp:

I tell thee I was in hell .

Ruff.

And so was I too , I le be sworne .

Fle.

And how long was 't ere thou camest thither ?

Sp.

Me thought t' was long , as long as a suit hangs here in the Law ere it be ended .

Fle:

But I prethee how broad was the way to hell ?

Sp:

As broad as the space between two lines in a Chauncerie bill .

Fle.

O sir , there 's the conscience on 't , say the Plaintiffe be in one line , and the defendant in an other , they being enemies , wer 't either conscience or honestie in the Clearke to thrust them no neare togither , that they might goe togither by th' eares ? but yfaith what good fellowship was there in hell ?

Sp:

O the diuels are excellent companions , thei le drink your Dutch captains , or Court Ladies spunges .

Fle:

Who didst see there ?

Sp.

Faith I saw the foure sonnes of Aymon , and they were Porters euer since there was a companie made of am .

Fle.

Why are there a companie of Porters in hell ?

Sp,

O I , the Diuels are but our Apes man .

Fle,

But didst thou see more of them that were damn'd ?

Sp.

Yes , I sawe a Citizen damn'd for refusing a desperate debt , because t' was tendred him on a Sabboth .

Fle,

I hope wee shall haue no more Citizens damn'd for that fault .

Spar.

There was a poore mercinarie woman damn'd because shee forsooke her Trade , and turnd Puritane .

Fle.

And good reason , why coulde not shee haue kept her Trade , and beene a Puritane , as well as a Puritane keepe her Religion , and yet bee of her Trade ?

Spar.

There was a Ladie damn'd because shee neuer painted : a Puritane for saying Grace without turning vppe the white of his eyes : A Tailer for neuer hauing scabbie fingers : A Vintner for making greate two pennie-woorths of Sugar . But there was a Innes of Court man damn'd , and I was sorie for him .

Fle.

Why was he damn'd ?

Sp:

Alas for a small fault .

Fle.

I prethe what wa st ?

Spar:

For hauing alwayes money in his purse .

Fle.

Were there no Lawyers in hell ?

Spar.

There were none of your great Lawyers as your Serieants , and Benchers , for they take counsaile of too manie good Angells to come there : but your young punie Lawyers , they were in swarmes like Gnats in Summer .

Fle,

Why are there so manie of them there ?

Sp.

Alas man they seldom conuerse with a good Angell scarce once in a whole Michaelmasse Tearme , and if a come a stayes not long with am to feede these soules , for they are faine to sende am away strayght to pay for the feeding of their Horses , there was a Chamber-maide damb'd for keeping her virginitie till shee was marryed , and there were many Soldiers damb'd for saying their prayers when they were drunke .

Fl:

But what didst thou see in hell ?

Ruff,

O , I sawe a Scriuener damb'd for procuring a Gentleman money Gratis , but I came in an excellent time .

Fle,

What time was 't ?

Ruff,

In a gossipping time , for Proserpina was newllie brought a bed of two twins .

Fl:

Two twins ! what were they ?

Ruff,

A Sergeant and a Yeoman , but shee has put them out to nurse .

Fle,

I prithee where ?

Ruff:

Faith at the Counter in Wood-street , and the slaues will sucke alreadie like little Horsleaches .

Fl:

But when will she haue am home , that shee may be rid of am .

Ruff:

Faith shee 's an vnnaturall Mother , shee cares not greatlie if they neuer come home , but the deuill their Father hee loues am well , hee le haue am home againe ere long .

Fle:

Which is the elder Brother ?

Ruff,

O the Sergeant , the Deuill allowes him the better maintenance , for hee has more to the dressing of his meate .

Fle.

Well , Gentlemen , since by the heauens pleasure I haue bin appointed to saue your liues , let mee intreate you to keepe your selues secret till the sequell of this action shall neede your presence .

Ruff,

Come le ts goe , wee le onely follow your directions .

Exeunt . Enter two Iudges with their traine , and sit downe . Iaylor .

Wil 't please yee haue the prisoners brought foorth ?

Caius .

Wee can doe nothing till wee heare from Doctor Ferrio , to knowe his pleasure in these proceedings .

2. Iudges .

Was any man sent to him ?

Caius ,

Yes , Fleire , the Lady Floridaes man , which is not yet returned .

Enter a Iaylor . Iaylor ,

Reuerend Iudges : heere 's a Doctor at doore desires admittance .

Caius ,

Intreate him to come in .

Enter Fleire like a Doctor . Fle,

Learned Doctors , Doctor Ferrio commends him to you , and because sicknesse hath laide so strong a hand vpon his weake decrepit bodye , which dooth detayne his presence , hee intreates you to accept of mee in his place , and as assurance of his earnest desire thereof , he has sent this well knowne ring as a token to you .

Caius .

Sir , wee knowe the ring and you are verie welcome , and so I pra'y assume his place .

Iaylor ,

Is it your pleasure the Prisoners be brought footh .

Caius ,

I , both of them .

Enter Piso Knight , two Ladies , two wenches , Nan and Sue , Petoune , Fromaga . Caius .

My Lord , you are heere indited of a hatefull crime , & I am verie sorry to see you in this sort stand here .

Pis.

Thrice Reuerend Iudges , and therefore honored Lords , I must confesse , that like a skilfull dancer , I haue truely footed folly , yet like a learner in my course of life , trod much out of measure , I haue liu'd like an vnbackt colt proud and wanton , my tree of life hath borne more leaues then fruite , I neuer was deboash'd & steard away my daies even in a sea of sinne .

Caius ,

And in , that sea my Lord , you bore so great a saile as you haue ouer set your barke of life , and heere you are accused my Lord , euen of a hatefull crime , so is the Knight there for poisoning two Gentlemen , Sparke and Ruffell , how doe you answere this my Lord ?

Pis.

Alas my Lord , this is soone answered , for though that I haue surfeited on sinne , yet haue I not bin drunke with blood .

Caius :

What say you Knight ?

Kni:

The crime is great I must confesse my Lord , but I am sure the proofe can be but little .

Cai:

Ladies you know moste , and therefore t is fittest most you speake .

Fl.

Why then my Lord , this is all we can say , this Lord and knight feasted diuers of vs their friendes , but foure of vs he drench'd with such a dramme which soone made two discharge the debt they owd to nature .

Pis.

O conscience wouldst thou giue me leaue !

Fal:

And wee no doubt my Lordes , had long ere this breath'd out our liues like them , but that we had the lesser quantisie , for being esteemed the weaker vessels , they thought the lesser blow would breake vs .

Kni:

O had not death arrested me .

Fle:

Why then my Lord , wee thus must now proceede , they that spilt innocent blood themselues must bleed ; but Ladies I haue heard you had a man cald Fleire , what 's become of him ?

Flo:

He was sent to Doctor Ferrio , and we neuer saw him since .

Fl,

Doe you know his hand Ladies ?

Fel.

Very well .

Fle.

I pray looke heere then .

Flo:

This is his hand indeede .

Fel.

I very perfectly doe know it to be his .

Fle

Why then vppon this hand I heare arrest you both , vpon your liues .

Both .

Who , wee ?

Fle,

I , you Ladies , my Lord I pray you , reade this letter .

Cai:

Reuerend Iudges , God wil by some meanes punish euerie sinne , and though against my will , yet by my conscience I am enforced to vnmaske my Ladies vilianies , the murther for which the Lord and Knight are like to die , was first plotted by them : the two Pages with my selfe did heare it : the Prisoners in this action , are inforc't by Sacrament to be secret , and thus intreating heauen in Iustice , still to ayde you .

Yours Fleere a Florentine . Caius

Is this true my Lord ?

2 , Iudg ,

They are sworne not to reueale it ,

Fle.

But being reueald they may affirme it .

Both :

T is too true my Lord .

Fle,

Where are the Pages ?

Both ,

Heere my Lord .

Fle.

How say you boyes to this letter ?

Both ,

The letter speakes nothing but the truth .

Fle:

Wel Ladies , then we heere pronounce this sentence that you must die among the rest .

Flo , You powers deuine , I know doe plainely see , Heauens starrie eyes sees all our villanie : And God in Iustice murther will reueale , But were I now , my life for to beginne ,

I de be an honest wife to you , wherefore forgiue me deerest Lord .

Pis, Lady , I doe euen as I hope to be forgiuen . Fel. Show mercy heauen , my sinnes doe thee offend , There s none can say hee 's happie till his end ; Forgiuenesse Knight , and since the law on vs , Hath laid so strickt a hand , O let me be Thy wife before I die , and were I now A thousand yeares to liue , I would be honest Louing none but thee . Kni.

I doe forgiue you Lady with my soule .

Enter a Messenger with Letters to Piso. Mes.

Long liue my honored Lord and mighty Duke of Florence .

Pis,

So a will , as long as 't please the Hang-man .

Mes,

My honored Lord , your Father is deceased , and the state of Florence by me hath sent their Letters and allegiance .

Pis.

Let them call backe the banisht Signior Antifront whome they & we , and al haue wrong'd : O could I liue but to inquire him out , in satisfaction of his wronges , i de marry his eldest Daughter , and whilst a liu'd a should be restored to his estate , but O hee 's —

Fleire showes himselfe to be Antifront , Fle. Heere my Lord . I taxe you to your word , Signior Antifront yet liues , And heere s his elder Daughter whome himselfe But now condemn'd to die : and heere s the younger Left for you , the poisoned men are heere a liue againe , Who did but dreame of death , but yet doe Liue t' enrich a nuptiall bed to you two , And now since euerie thing so well doth sort , Let all be pleas'd in this our comicke sport , Where 's Petoune ? he shal haue his Mistris too , He most deserues , for he did hotly woe , If we part friendes , your hands vnto vs lend , What was not well , wee le next striue to amend . Exeunt . Omnes FINIS .