The Witty Fair One Shirley, James This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription c3biu of text S117328 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 22462). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Hannah Bredar Lydia Zoells This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A12157.xml The vvittie faire one¨ A comedie. As it was presented at the Private House in Drury Lane. By her Maiesties Servants. By Iames Shirley. Shirley, James, 1596-1666. 34 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2007 January (TCP phase 1) 99852543 STC (2nd ed.) 22462. Greg, II, 477. 17868 A12157 2240874130

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 The vvittie faire one¨ A comedie. As it was presented at the Private House in Drury Lane. By her Maiesties Servants. By Iames Shirley. Wittie faire one Wittie faire one. Witty faire one. Shirley, James, 1596-1666. [72] p. Printed by B[ernard] A[lsop] and T[homas] F[awcet] for Wil. Cooke, and are to be sold at his shop, neere Furnivals-Inne Gate, in Holborne, London : 1633. 1628

Partly in verse.

Printers' names from STC.

Signatures: A2 B-I4 K2.

Running title reads: The witty faire one.

Reproduction of the original in the Bodleian Library.

 A12157 shc The Witty Fair One Shirley, James Hannah Bredar Lydia Zoells Emily Andrey Chris Shanley 1628 play comedy shc no A12157 S117328 (STC 22462). 74 22219 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00 A This text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago Boston Public Library, PR3144.W58 1633

THE WITTIE FAIRE ONE . A Comedie .

As it was presented at the Private House in DRVRY Lane . By her Maiesties Servants .

By IAMES SHIRLEY .

HOR. SERM. lib. 1. Men' moveat cimex Pantiluis ? aut crucier , quod Vellicet absentem Demetriùs ? — Demetri , teque Tigelli Discipulorum inter iubeo plorare Cathedras .

LONDON Printed by B. A. and T. F. for WIL. COOKE , and are to be sold at his shop , neere Furnivals-Inne Gate , in Halborne . 1633 .

TO THE TRVELY NOBLE KNIGHT Sir EDWARD BVSHELL .

SIr , your candide censure of some vnworthy Poems which I haue presented to the world , long since made me your Seruant in my thoughts , and being vnwilling to rest long in the silent contemplation of your Noblenesse , I presumed at last to send this Comedy , to kisse your hand , as the first degree to my greater happinesse in your more particular knowledge of me ; It wanted no grace on the Stage , if it appeare acceptable to you in this new trimme of the Presse , it will improoue abroad , and you oblige the Author to acknowledge a fauour beyond the first applause . Pardon the rudenesse of my publike addresse to you , in the number of many whom which more excuse , I might haue interrupted . I am bold , but your mercy will incline you not to despise these ( at the worst ) but errors of my devotion , and the weak expression of his seruice , whose desires are to be knowne ,

Your true Honourer , IAMES SHIRLEY .
Dramatis Personae . Sir GEORGE , an old rich Knight . Mr. WORTHY , his Brother . Mr. AYMWELL , Lover of Violetta . Mr. FOWLER , a wild young Gentleman . Sir NICHOLAS , a Foolish Knight . Mr. CLARE , Gentlemen . Mr. MANLY , Gentlemen . TVTOR , and Companion to Sir Nicholas . BRAINES , Sir George's Servant . WHIBBLE , Mr. Worthie's Servant . 2. GENT. FOOTMAN . MESSINGER . VIOLETTA , Sir George's Daughter : PENELOPE , Mr. Worthie's Daughter . SENSIBLE , Chambermaides . WINIFRIDE , Chambermaides .
THE WITTY FAIRE ONE .
ACTVS , I.
Scaena , I. Enter Sir George Richley , Master Worthy , Whibble a Servant . Mr. Worthy .

SO soone after dinner ?

Sir Geo:

I am engaged , and must away , excuse me brother .

M. Wor:

Well , make ready his horse .

Whib.

His Worships padde shall be prepared : If your Golding be not ready in a minute , your Worship shall ride me .

Sir Geo: I shall not need to vrge your care vpon My Daughter , on whom next the deuotion of My soule to heauen , all my desires And thoughts reflect , I leaue her to your trust , And in my absence doubt not you will be Both Vncle and a Father . Wor. Willingly , I would depose my selfe from both those titles , To serue my Neece , her vertue will reward me , I know shee is your study , in your want I will put on your jealousie . Sir Geo. It would not Become me to confine your entertainments , Of friends and visitants , but remember Brother , Shee 's now my sole heyre , and by the late death Or her twinne Sister , shee deriues the right Of all my wealth to her , Gallants I feare I' th Towne hold too fruitfull intelligence In these affaires , and if they be not watched They 'l with their wit charme all the Dragons guard , these golden apples . Worth .

There are such indeed .

Sir Geo. Oh sir , there are too many , not a Virgin Left by her friends heyre to a noble fortune , But shee 's in danger of a Marriage To some puft Title , what are these enter the Garden ? Enter Aymwell , Fowler , and Clare . Wor. The Gentlemen that din'd with vs — Fow.

Why how now Franck , grown musty on a sud-dain ? Head hung , and playing the thiefe thus with your friends , to steale your person from vs , what 's the matter .

Aym.

Nothing , nothing Gentlemen .

Clare .

Very like , and yet you leaue our company for this nothing .

Fow.

Let 's in againe to the Ladies .

Sir Geo.

What 's he .

Wor. One Master Fowler a reputed wit I' th Towne , affected by young Gentlemen For his Converse , yet liues vpon no pension But his owne Fortune , and a Faire one . Th' other Mr. Clare , a friend to Mr. Aymwell , whom they both seeme to sollicite . Sir Geo.

Mr. Aymwell .

Wor.

A hopefull Gentleman .

Sir Geo. Brother , did you not obserue at dinner His eyes shoote beames vpon my Daughter ( more Then I was pleas'd with ) Mr. Aymwell call you him , I may suspect vniustly , but such lookes are often loose conveyers . Wor.

Make no part of him your feare .

Sir Geo.

I doe not , when I call to mind my Daughters vertue and obedience , Shee knowes my purpose to dispose her to Sir Nicolas Treedle .

Wor.

And how doe you find her inclination ?

Sir Geo.

As I would direct it .

Wor. She will maintaine it to your comfort Sir , How euer with what vigilance becomes me , I will preserue it , while shee remaines within my custody . Sir Geo.

I le leaue a Seruant to waite vpon her .

Wor.

Braines .

Sir Geo.

The same .

Wor.

He is a cunning fellow .

Sir Geo. He has a sconce , Carryes some subtilty which he employes Still honestly in discharge of any trust committed to him . Wor.

Good .

Sir Geo. And 't is his pride . He was nere o're-reached in any action . Wor.

He knowes his charge .

Sir Geo. Perfectly , but I loose time , Sir Nicolas Treedle expects me , this night i' the Countrey . Wor.

When d ee returne ?

Sir Geo. Within these three dayes at most , Trouble your selfe no further . Wor.

I le waite on you to your horse Sir . Exeunt .

Enter Mr. Aymwell . Aym. Sh 'as shot a fire into my bosome , from Her eye , or I haue drawne in , at mine owne , Loue poyson . Oh my starres were too vngentle To poynt her out the Mistris of my thoughts , Who is so much like them , aboue the hope Of euer clyming too , I see a fatall Impossibility deuide vs , yet The more I would discharge this new guest , it Strengthens it selfe within mee , and renewes Vigour to keepe possession , shee s aboue mee And her great fortune makes my expectation So dull and painfull , a great heyre her vncle ? Enter Mr. Wortby . Wor. Mr. Aymwell what alone , come le ts To cards , where be the Gentlemen . Aym. Within Sir . H 'as Sir George Richley left vs ? Wor.

Some affaires importun'd his departure .

Aym.

When shall wee expect him ?

Wor. Three dayes hence , this your enquirie Doth promise you haue businesse with him . Aym. Little , But you did motion cards , I le chuse my partner And for a set or two I 'me at your seruice . Wor.

Make your owne election .

Aym.

Why d ee mocke mee .

Wor.

How mocke you .

Aym.

Yes ?

Wor.

You doe not meane in earnest .

Aym.

I shall betray my passion .

Wor.

I find him .

Aym.

You may for I am lost . Enter Mrs. Violette .

Vio.

Hee 's here — good Vncle , is my father gone ?

Wor.

Yes , gentle Neece .

Vio. Delight in both your walkes I le take this Arbor . Aym. So breakes the day and hides it selfe agen Among the Westerne shades , were shee to dwell Within your garden it should need no sunne . Her smiles were powerfull to infuse a warmth Into the flowers , her breath perfume your arbours The trees grow rich in blossome and beare fruit At the same instant , as 't were euer Spring And euer Summer when shee seates her selfe Within some bower , the feathered Quiristers Shall play theyr musicke to her and take pride To warble aery notes till shee be weary , Which when shee shall but with one Accent of Her owne expresse , an hundred Nightingales Shall fall downe dead from the soft boughes before her For griefe to be orechaunted . Wor.

Here 's prety madnes .

Aym. 'T is so , you haue done my passion iustice Sir For loue is but a stragling from our reason . Wor. If you doe loue my Neece , let you and I Talke out of Metaphor . Aym.

You know my Father .

Wor.

Hee was my noble friend .

Aym. For his sake , giue me your free answere to One question . Wor. What is 't , promise your selfe What I can doe or say is at your seruice . Aym. Is there a possibility , admit I loved your Neece , shee might be wonne at last To be my wife . Wor. I le not dispute the extent Of what is possible , yet my answere may be Satisfactory . Aym.

You were ever generous .

Wor. I were vnciuill not to reply to A question , you shall finde my loue more fruitfull , You shall haue both my answere and my counsell . Aym.

Let me imbrace a perfect friend .

Wor. D' ee know what Fortune my young Neece may bring her husband . Aym. I guesse a great one , but I set more value Vpon her person , my affection springs Not from her wealth . Wor. But yet her portion Is worth your taking notice Master Aymwell , Her Father is a man who though he write Himselfe but Knight , keepes a warme house i' th Countrey 'Mongst his Tenants , takes no Lordly pride To trauell with a Footman and a Page To London , humbly rides th old fashion With halfe a douzen wholesome Liueries , To whom he gives Christian wages and not countenance Alone to liue on , can spend by th' yeare Eight hundred pounds , and put vp fine sleepes quietly Without dreaming on Morgages or Statutes Or such like curses on his Land , can number May be ten thousand pound in ready coyne Of 's owne , yet neuer bought an office for 't Ha's plate no question , and Iewels too In 's old Ladies cabinet , beside Other things worth an Inuentory , and all this His daughter is an heyre too , now pray tell mee What 's your reuenue ? Aym.

Some 3. hundred pounds .

Wor. Per annum ? Grant it , what expectation Haue you abroad ? Aym.

None .

Wor. That 's quickly summon'd . You haue not made your loue knowne to my Neece yet . Aym.

No , my intention was to preacquaint you .

Wor. Y' haue done wisely , doe not thinke on her When y' are at prayers , she will but puzzell Your deuotion , there s no hope of her . Aym.

Ha!

Wor.

I meane for you to arriue at her , your owne disparity in fortune .

Aym.

I doe finde it .

Wor. Excuse my plainnesse sir , her Father lookes A great deale higher , and to take away Your least incouragement , to prosecute Within my knowledge she 's design'd already To a wealthy Gentleman , and within few dayes 'T will be a marriage , you shall but procure Your owne affliction to employ your hope Where things remaine so desperate . Aym.

I thanke you .

Wor.

you doe your selfe more right .

Aym. If such affaires Haue past , it were not noble to continue This path , y 'aue done me gentle office Sir I must beleeue y' are generous , this new flame My reason shall suppresse , before it growe Too mighty for mee . Wor. It becomes you well , Loue like to sinne , inueterate is strong He preuents danger , that destroyes it yong . Wor.

Come to your freinds . Exeunt .

Enter Fowler , Penelope , Clare . Fow. Your soft Starres will not let you be so cruell Lady , to giue repulse to a louer . Cla. Doe not belieue him , he does but complement , I ha' knowne him court a hundred , with as much Formalitie , wooed 'em i th nuptiall cut , made verses O' their haire , set Lillies and Rosies , a whole

Garden i' their cheekes , cherries i' their lippes , stellifie their eyes , and yet in a twinckling . —

Penel.

Sure you doe him wrong sir .

Clare .

Wrong ?

Fow.

He measures my affection by the length of his own , Prethee Satyre chuse another walke , and leaue vs to inioy this , thou knowst not my intent .

Cla.

Thou mayst be honest with one , and that 's a miracle and will aske a strong faith to beleeue it , I hope shee has more wit then to trust your voluble courtship , I le seeke out my friend Aymwell . Vio. comes from the Arbor .

Viol.

Sir , if your engagement require no hast .

Penel.

I doe wonder a Gentleman of your knowledge should so deceive himselfe .

Fow.

Expresse your selfe Fairest .

Penel.

Faire sir , I am not taken with your flatteries , I can see through you .

Fow.

If you haue so actiue an eye Lady , you may see a throng of Passions flaming at my hart , set a fire by your beauty I protest t' ee ; come , shame not your wisdome to beleeue report or opinion a th' world , 't is a malicious age we liue in , if your eares haue beene abused with any ill noise , a me you shall tell your selfe if you loue me , the world is a shamelesse and miserable detractor , you doe not despise me Lady . —

Penel.

No , I pitty so handsome a Gentleman , and of So faire a fortune , should want his eyes .

Fow.

How blind ?

Penel.

To your owne follies sir .

Fow.

Shall I sweare I loue you , as I am a Gentleman .

Pen.

As you are a Gentleman , I know you can sweare any thing t' is a fashion y' are most constant in , to bee religiously wicked , an oath in your mouth and a reseruation in your hearts is a common Courtship , doe not sweare as you are a Gentleman .

Fow.

As I am an honest man .

Penel.

Out vpon 't , that 's a worse , my Taylor couzened me t'oher day with the same oath , saue your credit and let swearing alone , I dare take your word .

Fow.

Well sayd .

Penel.

For a greater matter , but not for this , you and I ha not eaten a bushell of salt yet , in time I may be conuerted , and thinke your tongue and heart keepe house together , for at this time I presume they are very farre a sunder .

Fow.

Would you haue my tongue in my heart Lady ?

Penel.

No by my troth , I would rather finde your heart in your tongue , but you are valiant , and 't is onely feare they say , brings a mans heart vp to his mouth .

Fow.

Why , your wit is a tyrant now , pray tell me doe not you loue me mightily now aboue Potatoes , come I see the little blind Boy in your eyes already .

Per.

Loue you Sir ?

Fow.

Yes , I know by your bitternesse you wish me well and thinke there is some hope I may be wonne too , you take paines to whip me so handsomely , come I le be a good child and kisse the rod .

Cla. You oblige my seruice to you , I am one Aymwell called friend , and shall be happy to Convay him any knowledge may concerne him . Vio. Then briefly thus I vnderstand he loues mee Pray you doe him the true office of a friend And councell him desist , I am dispos'd of Already in my fathers thoughts , and must Shew my obedience , he shall beget But his owne trouble , if he moue it to My Vnckle or my Father , and perhaps Draw their suspition and displeasure On me too , by so indiscreet proceeding , I would not haue a Gentleman of his worth Doe himselfe so great iniury to runne A course of so much hazard , if you please To beare the burden of my thankes for his On my part vndeseru'd opinion , And make him sensible , in time hee may Place his affection where he may expect Better returne , you shall discharge a friendship To him , and with it make my thoughts your debtor . Cla. You haue exprest a noblenesse in this Were all of your mind Lady , There would be lesse Willow worne . Fow.

You would ha' me praise you now , I could ramble in your commendation .

Pen.

I thinke so .

Fow.

D ee but thinke so , why you shall heare mee , Your hayres are Cupids Nets , a Forehead like the fayrest coast of heauen without a cloud , your eybrow is loues bow whiles eyther Eye are arrowes drawne to wound , your lips the Temple or sacred phane of kisses often as they meere exchanging Roses your tongue Loues lightning , necke the Milky path or throne where sit the Graces , doe not I know that I haue abused you all this while , or doe you thinke I loue you a thought the better , or with all my Poeticall daubings can alter the complection of a hayre now .

Pen.

I would not haue you sir .

Fow. No dispraise te' e I haue seene as handsome a woman

Ride vpon a sacke to Market , that neuer knew the impulsion of a Coate or the price of a Stammell petticoate , and I ha seene a worse face in a Countesse ; what 's that ? Must ye be proud because men doe call you handsome , and yet though wee are so foolish to tell you so , you might haue more wit then to beeleeue it , your eyes may be matcht I hope , for your nose there be richer in our sexe , t' is true that you haue colour for your hayre wee graunt it , and for your cheekes , but what doe your teeth stand you in Lady , your lips are pretty but you lay 'em too open and men breath too much vpon 'em , for your tongue wee all leaue you ther 's no contesting , your hand is fine but your gloues whiter , and for your leg , if the commendation or goodnesse of it bee in the small , there be bad enow in Gentlemens stockings to compare with it ; come remember y' are imperfect creatures without a man , be not you a Goddesse I know y' are mortall , and had rather make you my companion then my Idoll , this is no flattery now .

Enter Worthy , Aymwell , Braines . Wor.

Where be these Gentlemen .

Fow.

How now Franck .

Wor.

You looke well to your charge Braines .

Bra.

A question Sir , pray you , are you married Sir ?

Cla.

Why dost thou aske ?

Bra. Because you should answere me I cannot see 't in your forehead Sir , Cla.

How now my officious Trencher squire .

Wor. Excuse him Master Clare , t' is his blunt zeale To doe his Master seruice , who enioy'd His best care and vigilance vpon this Gentlewoman . Cla.

I am married Sir .

Bra.

Then I hope y' aue met with your match already I ha nothing to say tee .

Cla.

This fellow 's mad .

Bra.

Nor my Master neither , though he left his braines behind him , I hope a man may aske a question Sir .

Wor.

Come hither Braines .

Fow.

Ame life thou art in loue .

Cla.

You are not .

Fow.

Doe not mistake your selfe for I am .

Cla.

Caught , I am glad on 't .

Fow.

No indeed not caught neyther , therefore be not ouerioy'd good morality , why dost thou thinke it possible a womans face or any thing without her can inchaunt me .

Bra.

Let me alone . Exit Vncle .

Cla.

Why dost thou court 'em then .

Fow.

Why , to try their wits with which I sharpen my owne , dost thinke I am so mad to marry , sacrifice my liberty to a Woman , sell my patromony to buy them Feathers and new fashions , and maintaine a Gentleman Vsher to ride in my saddle when I am Knighted , and pointed at with Pythagoras for my tame sufferance , ha my Wardrop laid forth and my holiday breeches , when my Lady pleases I shall take the ayre in a Coach with her , together with her Dog that is costïue , bee appointed my table what I shall eate , according as her Ladiship findes her owne body inclin'd , fed vpon this or that Melancholy dish by prescription , guarded with officious Sallets like a Prisoner in a throng , praise her beautifull allowance of course Mutton that haue the world of dainty flesh before me , 't were a sinne of discretion and my owne freedome .

Bra.

Young Mistris , I obserue you .

Cla.

You doe not meane to dye in this faith .

Fow.

Prethee doe not talke of Dying , a pox o' the Belman and his Omnia benes , but that I thinke I know thy Father , I should hardly belieue thou wert a Gentleman , howeuer thy Aristotles of Ethicks will make thee vncapable of their company shortly , if you Catechise thus you shall have few Gentlemen your Disciples that haue any bloud or spirit about 'em , there 's no discourse so becomming your Gallants now , as a Horse race or Hide-Parke ? what Ladies lips are softest ? what Fashion is most terse and Courtly ? what newes abroad ? which is , the best Vaulting house ? where shall we taste Canary and be drunke too night , talke a morality — heere be Ladies still , you shall heare me court one on 'em , I hope you wee ' not report abroad among my friends that I loue her , 't is the loue of mounting into her maydenhead I vow Iacke , and nothing else .

Cla.

Y' are a mad Louer . As Aymwell comes towards Violetta she turnes and Exit .

Bra.

That was cunningly cast about .

Fow.

Whither is 't Lady ?

Pen.

I 'me walking in Sir .

Fow.

I 'le wayt on you , and after that abroad , 't is an inuiting day , are you for the Coach .

Penel.

No .

Fow.

Or for the Couch ? Take mee a Companion for either .

Penel.

Neither .

Fow. How neither , blame your selfe if you be idle , Howsoeuer you shall not be alone , make vse of My arme Fairest , you will to your Lute , I heard you Could touch it cunningly , pray blesse my eares a little . Penel.

My Lute 's broke sir .

Fow.

A string you meane , but 't is no matter , your voyce is not , rauish a little with that , if you please I can helpe you to an heyre by this blacke eye which Nature hath giuen you , I le not leaue you I le follow yee . Exeunt Fowler , and Penelope .

Aym.

All this from her ?

Cla.

You may belieue me Sir .

Aym. Why this to him , could shee not giue me Repulse , but shee must thus proclaime it , I neuer Mou'd it to her , her Vncle hath had no opportunity To acquaint her what 's the Mystery , Prethee repeat agen the substance of what shee said . Cla.

With my best memory her words , shee wisht you not proceed for shee was already dispos'd of in her Fathers thoughts .

Aym.

In her fathers thoughts ? Happily not in her owne .

Cla.

It would be fruitlesse to moue her Vncle or her Father in 't .

Aym. Ha , not moue her Vncle or her Father ? This may beget encouragement hope I may to her Propound my affection and be happy in 't proceed . Cla. She would be sory a Gentleman of your worth Should runne a Course of so much hazard . Aym.

Hazard , that word does yet imply there is a possibilitie .

Cla. So with complement Of her thankes for your fayre opinion of her , Shee wisht me make you sensible in time To place your Loue where you might expect Better returne . Aym. Ah that 's wormwood , let me see , better returne This last returne hath spoyl'd the whole Terme And vndone my suite , vm ? No it doth admit A faire Construction : Shee would ha me sensible in time to plant My loue where I may expect better returne , Why ? That I may from her for ought I know . Cla.

Amantes sibi somnia fingunt , how apt are Louers to conster all to their desires .

Aym.

I wonnot let my Action fall .

Cla.

Doe not build Castles .

Aym. I 'le smooth it with her Vncle , if it hit Oh I my blest Starres . Cla.

Hee 's a bed already .

Aym. Venus assist one to thy Altar flies , And I 'le proclaime , thy sonne hath found his eyes . Exeunt . Explicit Actus primus .
ACTVS , II.
Scena , I. Enter Sir Nicholas Treedle , and a Servant . Nic.

WHere 's Marre-text my Chaplaine .

Ser.

He 's newly walked out of his Meditation in the Kitchin , into the Garden .

Nic.

Bid him reade Prayers in the Dining-roome .

Serv.

Before your Worship come ?

Nic.

I wo'not pray too day , dost heere ? Bid my Tutor come downe to mee .

Serv.

Which on them .

Nic.

Why hee that reades Trauaile to me , the wit that I tooke vp in Paules in a tiffany Cloake without a hatband , now I haue put him into a doublet of Sattaine — stay hee 's heere . Enter Tutor .

Nic.

Morrow Tutor , what houre take you it ?

Tu.

It is no houre at all Sir .

Nic.

How ?

Tu.

Not directly any houre , for it is betweene 8. and 9. Sir .

Nic.

Very learnedly then I was ready betweene Six and seauens too day .

Tu.

Are you dispos'd for Lecture .

Nic.

Yes , yes Sir .

Tu. You remember my last prelection of the Diuision Of the Earth into parts Reall and Imaginary : The parts reall into Continent and Iland , The subdiuision of the Continent , into Peninsula , Istmus , and Promontory . Nic.

In troth Sir , I remember some such things but I haue forgotten 'em .

Tu.

What is an Istmus ?

Nic.

Why an Istmus , is an Elbow of land .

Tu.

A Necke , a necke .

Nic.

A necke ? Why I was neere it , if you had let me alone , I should haue come vp too 't .

Tu.

'T was well guest , what 's an Iland ?

Nic.

An Iland is an high Mountaine , which shooteth it selfe into the Sea .

Tu.

That 's a Promontory .

Nic.

Is 't so ? An Iland then is , no matter let it goe , 't is not the first Iland wee ha lost .

Tu.

How are you perfect in your Circles ? Great & lesse , Mutable and immutable , Tropicall and Polar .

Nic.

As perfect in them as I am in these , faith I shall neuer conne these things handsomely , may not a man study Trauaile without these Circles , Degrees and altilatitudes you speake of ?

Tu.

Yes , you may .

Nic.

I doe not care for the neerest way , I ha time enough to goe about .

Tu.

Very well , you shall lay aside your Globe then .

Nic.

I , and if please you I will haue it stand in my hall to make my Tenants wonder instead of the book of Martyrs .

Tu.

It will doe well , now name what Kingdome or Prouince you haue most minde to .

Nic.

What say you to England .

Tut.

By no meanes , it is not in fashion with Gentlemen to study their owne Nation , you will discouer a dull easinesse if you admire not and with admiration preferre not the weedes of other regiments before the most pleasant flowers of your owne garden , let your Iudgment reflect vpon a serious consideration who teaches you the minick posture of your body , the punctuality of your beard , the formality of your pace , the elbowes of your cloake , the heele of your boote , doe not other nations ? Are not Italian heads Spanish shoulders , Dutch bellies , and French legs , the onely Notions of your reformed English Gentlemen .

Nic.

I am resolu'd to be ignorant of my owne country say no more on 't , what think you if I went ouer to France the first thing I did .

Tu.

By Sea .

Nic.

D ee thinke I ha no more wit then to venture my selfe i' th salt water , I had rather be pickled and powdred at home by halfe that I had .

Tu

I apprehend you are cautious , it is safe trauelling in your study , but I will not read France to you .

Nic.

No ?

Tu.

Pardonne moy it is vnnecessary , all the French fashions are here already or rather your French cuts .

Nic.

Cuts ?

Tu.

Vnderstand me , there are diuers French cuts .

Nic.

We haue had too many French cuts already .

Tu.

First , there is your cut of the head .

Ni.

That 's dangerous .

Tu.

Pshew a haire a hayre , a perriwigge is your French cutte and in fashion with your most courtly Gallants , your owne hayre will naturally forsake you .

Nic.

A bald reason .

Tu.

Right obseru'd their prudent and weighty pollicy who haue brought up this artificiall head-peice , because no man should appeare light headed .

Nic.

He had no sound head that inuented it .

Tu.

Then there is the new cut of your doublet or slash the Fashion of your apparrell a queint cut .

Nic.

Vpon Taffety .

Tu.

Or what you please , the slash is the embleme of your valour , and besides declareth that you are open brested .

Nic.

Open as much as you will but no valour .

Tu.

Then Sir , there is the cut of your leg .

Nic.

That 's when a man is drunke , is it not ?

Tu.

Doe not stagger in your iudgement , for this cut is the grace of your body , I meane dancing o' th French cut i' th leg is most fashionable , beleeue it pupill a gentile carriage .

Nic.

But it is faine to be supported sometime with a bottome . Enter Seruant .

Ser.

Here is Sir George Richley Sir newly alighted .

Nic.

Oh my Father in law that shal be .

Tu.

Then wee are cut off .

Nic.

There is a match concluded between his daughter and me and now he comes for my answere conduct him to the gallery .

Tu.

Rather Sir meete him .

Nic.

Let him goe before and tell him we are comming and wee le be there as soone as hee . Exeunt .

Enter Braines , Whible . Whi.

Braynes .

Bra.

What 's the matter .

Whi.

Le ts rifle the other bottle of wine .

Bra.

Doe not indanger thy sconce .

Whi.

How ?

Bra.

I 'le drink no more .

Whib.

Why ?

Br.

Because I will not be drunke for any mans pleasure .

Wh.

Drunke ?

Br.

T is good English now , t' was Dutch , may bee you ha some conspiracy vpon mee .

Wh.

I ? Who has betrayed me ? his Mistris procured the Key of the Wine-seller , and bad me try if I could wind vp his braines handsomely , he knowes on 't not one health more .

Br.

Not , not , good Whible if you vrge agen I shall suspect .

Wh.

Suspect me ?

Br.

And beate you Whible if you be not satisfied .

Wh.

I am , but in friendship .

Br.

Dost tempt me ?

Wh.

I will drinke your health and be drunke alone .

Br.

This whelpe has some plot vpon men , I smell powder my young Mistris would haue blowne vp my braines this Peter-gunner should haue given fire , 't is not the first time shee hath conspired so but two not doe , I was neuer yet couzned in my life , and if I pawne my braines for a bottle of Sacke , or Claret , may my nose as a brand for my negligence carry euerlasting Malmesey in it , and be studded with Rubies and Carbuncles , Mistris you must pardon my officiousnesse , be as angry as a Tyger I must play the Dragon and watch your golden fleece , my Master has put me in trust and I am not so easily corrupted . I ha but two eyes Argus had a hundred , but hee must be a cunning Mercury must pipe them both a sleepe I can tell you . And now I talke of sleepe , my lodging is next to her chambers , it is a confidence in my Master to let his Liuery lye so neere her , Seruingmen haue e're now proved themselues no Eunuches , with their Masters Daughters , if I were so lusty as some of my owne tribe , it were no great labour to commit Burglary vpon a Mayden head , but all my nourishment runs vpward into braines and I am glad on 't , a temperate blood is signe of a good Liver , I am past tilting , here shee is with the second part of her to the same tune , an other maide that has a grudging of the greene sicknes . and wants a man to recouer her .

Enter Violeta and Penelope . Pen.

Be this enough betweene vs to bind each to helpe others designes .

Vio.

Heere s Breynes , hee has not yet beene drencht .

Pe.

Hee is too subtile .

Vio.

How now Breynes ?

Br.

As you see forsooth .

Pen.

Thou art very sad .

Br.

But I am in sober sadnes I thanke my starres .

Vi.

Witty .

Br.

As much wit as will keepe Breynes from melting this hot weather .

Pen.

A dry whooresone not thus to be wrought vpon !

Br.

Very good Sacke and Claret i th house .

Pen.

Thou hast not tasted .

Bre.

Oyes , oyes , my braines swimme in Canary , exceedingly excellent Sacke I thanke yee Ladies , I know t is your pleasure I should not want o' th best blood o' th grape in hope there might be a stone in my cup to marre my drinking afterwards . Enter Sensible .

Mistris Sensible what igge i the wind shee moues so nimbly .

Pen.

From whom ?

Sen.

Master Fowler .

Bre.

A Letter ? whence flew that paper kite .

Pen.

What this ?

Br.

An other inclosed without direction happily obserued .

Pen,

If you can loue I will study to deserue and be happy to giue you proofe of my service , in the meane time it shal be a testimony of your favour to deliuer this inclosed paper to your couzen from her servant Aymwell , farewell and remember Fowler , looke you couzen what Mr. Fowler writes , I dare trust you with the secret at your opportunity peruse this paper .

Bre.

Conveyances , I read iugling in that paper already , and though you put it vp I wo not oh , for so much Magick to coniure that paper out of her bosome into my pocket now I doe long to know what pittifull louer for it can be no other , is doing penance in that white sheete already , Mistris Sensible harke yee ; whence came that letter ?

Sen.

From Master Fowler to my Mistris .

Br.

It is a shee Letter it seemes .

Sen.

A shee Letter why so ?

Bre.

Because it had a young one it 'h belly on 't , or I am much mistaken .

Pen.

Does he not write like a bold gamester ?

Br.

And a bowling gamester too , for his byas was towards my Mistres , but I may chance to cast a rub in his way to keepe him from kissing .

Vio.

Hee hath very good partes in him questionlesse , but doe you loue him .

Br.

O the cunning of these Gipses , how when they list they can talke in a distinguishable dialect , they call men foxes but they make , tame geese a some on vs , and yet like one a those in Rome I may prove so happy to preserue your distressed Capitoll , what newes brings this Kickshaw .

Enter Winifred . Win.

Master Fowler desires to speake with you .

Bre.

Already he might ha deliuered his owne Letter .

Vio.

I le to my Chamber

Bre.

It will doe very well .

Vio.

I hope you wil be carefull that I am not troubled with any visit of Gentlemen , it will become your officiousnesse good Dametas to haue a care of your charge Pamela .

Br.

So , I can suffer this jeare . Exit .

Vio.

Ha ? is he gone ? I 'me glad on 't , I le take this opportunity to reade the Paper , Master Aymwell sent me no superscription ?

Enter Breines . Bre.

Shee 's at it already , thus farre of I can read her countenance if she spare her voyce .

Vio. I doe not court your fortune but your loue , If my wild apprehension of it , proue My error , punish gently , since the fire Came from your selfe that kindled my desire . So my poore heart full of expectance lyes To be your seruant or your sacrifice . Vio.

It shall bee answered . Exit .

Bre.

It shall , the games a foote , were I best to discouer thus much , or reserue it to welcome home the old Knight withall , I le be more familiar with this iugling , first , the Scriuener has a Name and if he be worth his owne eares he shall be worth my discouery .

Enter Fowler , and Penelope .

Here comes the Gallant and the tother toy now .

Pen.

I receiued your Letter Sir ?

Fow.

In good time .

Pen.

You might haue spared your hand a labour , if you had resolved to put your feete vpon this expedition .

Bre.

Good .

Fow.

I confesse I wrote something in my owne cause , but the chiefe cause was to convay my friends affection to his Mistris .

Bre.

And I will convey your affection to somebody else .

Pen

Then you made me a property . Exit .

Fow.

'T is for your honour if you helpe any way to aduance an honest businesse , and yet mistake me not though the Racke should enforce from me without a second reason I had not wrote to you , yet for so much as concern'd my selfe by this kisse , my pen hath but set downe the resolution of my heart to serue you .

Pen.

To serue me , how ?

Fow.

How ? why any way , giue me your Liuery I 'le weare it , or a Coate with a Cognizance by this light , I feare you are an Hereticke still and doe not beleeue as you should doe , come let me rectifie your Faith , serue you .

Pen.

Since the Complement of Service came up , Gentlemen have had excuse for their love : I would not have you serve me Sir .

Fow.

Not serve you ? Why d ee thinke a man cannot love and serve too .

Pen.

Not one serve two , well .

Fow.

You are too literall , and yet i' th strict sence I ha knowne a woman has served halfe a doozen Gentlemen handsomely , so , so , and yet the last had enough of her too , why should not one man serve two Gentlewomen , it argues against your Sexe , that you are more insatiable a th' two , but I have a simple affection I protest and individuall , I le neere serve but one .

Penel.

But one at once .

Fow.

But one at once , and but one alwayes , by this Dyamond .

Penel.

Nay keepe your oath Sir .

Fow.

I am forsworne if I doe not , for I vowed before I came to bestow it , come weare it in your bosome , it shall be an earnest of more precious jewels , though not of so bright a lustie that will follow .

Penel.

I pray Sir resolve me one thing , and be plaine , Doe you love me ?

Fow.

Love you ?

Pen.

'T is my question .

Fow,

'T is a very foolish one , to what purpose have I beene talking all this while , that you make it a question , has not it beene the Theame of all my discourse hitherto , that I doe love you .

Pen.

In what sence ?

Fow.

In what sence ? Why in any sence at your owne choyce , or in all the sences together and you doubt me : I doe love to see your face , heare your voyce , smell your breath , touch your tree , and taste your golden Apples .

Pen.

But this does not satisfie me .

Fow.

You doe not doubt my sufficiency dee ?

Pen.

Now you 're immodest , I onely askt if you love me .

Fow.

And ha not I told you ? Pray teach me a better way to expresse it . Does a Wiseman love Fooles fortune , and a Nobleman another beside my Lady ? Does the Divell love an Vsurer , a Great man his Flatterer , the Lawyer a Full Terme , or the Physitian a dead time to thrive in .

Pen.

Spare your selfe this is but course love .

Fow.

I le spin it finer and finer every day Sweet , to be plaine with thee , what dost thou think of me for a husband , I love thee that way .

Pen.

Would you did else .

Fow.

Is there my thing in me would commend it selfe , that I may spare my other commendations , for I am resolved to be yours at any rate of my own praise , or what I can purchase from my friends .

Pen.

Sir , if your meaning be no stranger to your language , although I cannot promise my selfe , you bind me to bee thankfull for it .

Fow.

She nibbles already .

Pen.

But pardon me if I suspect you still , you are too wild and aery to be constant to that affection .

Enter Breines , and Worthy . Bra.

There be the Pigeons .

Wor. An 't be no worse I care not , Mr. Fowler A most welcome Friend . Fow.

I would be to your daughter .

Bra.

Let her use to entertaine him so , and hee 'l bid himselfe welcome , harke you sir , you doe like his company ?

Wor.

Yes .

Bra.

So I say , but if I were worthy to give your daughter counsell she should have a speciall care how she treads , for if this Gentleman be not a Whooremaster , he is very like one ; and if she chance any way to cracke her Venice-Glasse , 't will not be so easily sowdred .

Wor.

Meddle with your charge Sir , and let her alone .

Bra.

I have done , here is a fresh Gamester . Enter Mr. Manley .

Man.

By your noble leave .

Wor.

You 'r welcome Sir .

Man.

I was directed hither to find a Gentleman .

Fow.

Manly how is t ?

Manl.

I was to inquire for you at your lodging .

Fow.

Pray know this gentleman Lady Master Worthy hee le deserue your acquaintance .

Man.

You oblige my seruices — but what make you heere my woman ferritor .

Wor.

Come hither Penelope .

Fow.

Solliciting a cause of Venus .

Man.

I suspect as much , but with her ? is shee a whoore ?

Fow. No but I 'le doe the best to make her one , She loues me already , that 's some engagement I dare trust thee with my sinnes , who 's heere Aymwell and Clare . Enter Mr. Aymwell , Mr. Clare , Braines . Wor.

Withdraw your selfe .

Fow.

Franck .

Aym.

Master Worthy .

Wor.

A knot of friends .

Aym.

What of my letter ?

Fow.

'T is deliuered you must expect .

Wor.

What newes gentlemen ?

Aym.

We heare none , you visit the Exchange Sir , pray furnish vs .

Br.

What doe all these Butterflies here , I doe not like it .

Aym.

I hope your daughter is in health .

Wor.

Perfect , I thanke Heauen .

Aym.

And your Neece at whose naming I 'me bolde to tender my thankes for your last friendship , I might haue plung'd by this time into passion had not you nobly , iust as I was falling preuented my vnhappinesse .

Wor.

Your opinion of what I did , giues value to the action , howeuer 't was a duty I was bound to .

Bra.

This is the youth , I 'le pawne my braines , harke you Sir , what doe you call this Gentleman .

Cla.

Master Aymwell .

Bra. He may shoote short for all his ayming , He weares Batchellers buttons does he not . Cl.

Yes , old trupeny and loopes too , thou art iealous now .

Bra.

One word more .

Fow.

I haue a plot and thou must helpe me .

Man.

Let it be a safe one .

Aym.

May we not see her ?

Wor.

Braines where 's thy Mistris ?

Bra.

She 's a little busie .

Fow.

Who 's that .

Wor.

my Neece .

Fow.

And shee be but a little busy shee 's more then halfe at leasure .

Bra.

Doe not you know that a Woman is more troubled with a little businesse , then some man with mannaging the troubles of a whole common wealth , it has beene a prouerbe , as busy as a Hen with one Chickin , marry and shee had twenty , twenty to one she would not be so fond on 'em .

Wor.

He sayes right , Gentlemen , wee are friends , it is my brothers pleasure who is her father , to deny frequent accesse to her , till hee hath finisht a designe , for my part , I am not of his minde , nor shall my daughter be a prisoner to his fancy , you see Sir I doe not seclude her , if shee chuse within any limits of reason , I moue in her .

Aym.

You speake nobly .

Enter Whible . Whi.

Sir George Richley Sir , and Sir Nicholas are newly arriu'd .

Wor.

My brother , acquaint my Neece .

Bra.

T' is my office I 'le doe it — Exit .

Man.

Shall 's stay ?

Aym.

By all meanes let 's see the doughty Knight that must free the Lady from her Inchaunted Castle .

Cla.

Didst euer see him ?

Aym.

No , but I haue heard his character .

Man.

Prethee let 's ha 't .

Aym.

They say hee 's one , was wise before hee was a man for then his folly was excuseable , but since hee came to be of age , which had beene a question till his death , had not the Law giuen him his Fathers Lands , he is growen wicked enough to be a Landlord , he does pray but once a yeare and that 's for faire weather in haruest , his inward sences are sound , for none comes from him hee speakes wordes but no matter , and therefore is in Election to be of the Peace and Quorum , which his Tenants thinke him fit for , and his Tutors iudgement allowes , whom he maintaines to make him legs and speeches , he feedes well himselfe , but in obedience to government , he allowes his Servants fasting dayes ; he loves Law , because it kild his Father , whom the Parson overthrew in a case of Tithes ; and in memory , wears nothing sutable , for his Apparell is a or the ruines of ten fashions , he does not much care for Heaven , for he 's doubtfull of any such place , onely Hell he 's sure of , for the Divell stickes to his Conscience , therefore he does purpose when he dyes , to turne his sinnes into Almeshouses , that posterity may praise him for his bountifull of hot Pottage , but he 's here already , you may reade the rest as he comes towards you . Enter Sir George , Sir Nicholas , Tut.

Wor.

Brother .

Rich.

Let your kindest respects meet this Gentleman .

Wor.

Sir Nicholas Treedle , I desire you would write me in the number of your Servants .

Nic.

'T is granted , Gentlemen I have an ambition to be your eternall slave .

Fow.

'T is granted .

Tut.

And I to be an everlasting Rascall .

Aym.

'T is granted .

Cla.

A couple of Cockaloches .

Enter Penelope , Violetta , Winifred , Sensible , and Breines . Rich.

Here comes my Daughter .

Nic.

Lady and Mistris of my heart , which hath long melted for you .

Rich.

This is my Daughter .

Nic.

Then it melted for you Lady .

Fow.

His heart is whole againe .

Nic.

Vouchsafe to entertaine a Servant , that shall study to command .

Tut.

Well sayd .

Nic.

His extreamest possibilities — in your businesse .

Aymw.

Abhominable Courtship .

Sens.

Sir , I am Servant to Mistris Violetta , who commends this Paper to you .

Aym.

O my best Angell .

Bre.

As the Divell would have it , are you there Sensible .

Fow.

Mr. Worthy I take my leaue .

Wor.

Will you not stay supper .

Man.

Wee are engaged .

Aym.

My service shall waite on you Gentlemen .

Clare

And mine .

Nic.

Come on my Queene of Diamonds .

Fow.

Master Worthy I take my leaue .

Wor.

Will you not stay supper .

Man.

We are engaged .

Aym.

My seruice shall waite on you Gentlemen .

Cla.

And mine .

Nic.

Come on my Queene of Diamonds .

Rich.

Brother lead the way . Exeunt .

Bra.

If shee carry away this letter so , call me shallow-braines , I was neuer yet couzen'd in my life , this night ? it shall be so , I will not come with bare relation of your plots ,

I le bring active intelligence that shall tell Your secret aymes , so crush 'em in the shell . Exit :
ACTVS . III .
Scena , I. While the Musicke is playing enter Breynes without his shooes with a Letter in his band . Br.

SVre this is it , my Mistris and her maide are both fast still , I ha watched vnder the bed all night , to rob her pocket of this paper , and I ha don 't , some fellow at this opportunity would haue wrigled himselfe into one of their flesh .

Vio.

Who 's there ? Sensible .

Bre.

Death her tongue is awake already .

Vio.

Who 's i' the chamber .

Bre.

Helpe me Breynes , before shee wakes the tother , 't is I forsooth but looking for the chamberpot . Counterfeits Sensibles voyce .

Vio.

Beshrew you for your noyse .

Bra.

Where 's the doore — stumbles .

Sen.

Who 's there ?

Bra. The tother spirit is rais'd i' th Trundlebed What will become o' me now . Enter Sensible . Sen.

Here 's no body .

Vio.

Make an end and get thee to bed .

Sen.

An end of what , does she talke in her sleepe , shee was not wont .

Bre. So , so , ha the spring is open I might forget to make it fast last night , 'T is so , and happily some Curre or Cat Has beene i' the chamber , for I heare a noyse About the doore , I 'le make it fast And so to bed againe , I thinke it is day already . Exit . Enter Tutor in his gowne as from his study . Tu. So this fancy wrote , for Sir Nicholas like a forked Arrow points two wayes , wenches are caught with Such conceipts , they will imagin 't none of his Inuention , then whose but mine my person does inuite More acceptation , but the Father aymes At the estate , no matter if I can Insinuate my selfe into her opinion 'T is no impossibility , her portion Will be enough for both , shall I liue still Dependant and not seeke wayes to aduance my Selfe , busy my braines in ballads to the giddy Chambermaides , begger my selfe with purse and pincase When shee that is the Mistris may be mine T' will be a Master piece if I can gull him , But he 's here already . Enter Sir Nicholas . Nic. Noble Tutor , Morrow to you , hay finished The whimzey for my Mistris already ? Tu.

I ha don 't , this paper carries the Loue powder .

Nic.

For feare you had forgotten me , I ha made a quibling in praise of her my selfe , such a one as will fetch vp her heart Tutor .

Tu.

That were a dangerous vomit Sir , take heed of that .

Nic.

I but I will not hurt her I warrant thee , and shee dy within a Twelue month and a day I le be hangd for her .

Tu.

Will you Sir .

Nic.

Marry will I , looke you Sir . But first let me see yours , can you not write it in my owne hand , I shall hardly read it .

Tut.

I 'le reade it to you .

Nic.

Sir George G'ee mee 't .

Enter Sir George , and M. Worthy . Rich.

See they are at it .

Nic.

And how doe you like it .

Wor.

Morrow noble Sir Nicholas .

Ric.

Morrow Gentlemen .

Nic.

Morrow to you both , Sir George I ha been making Poetry this morning .

Tut.

He has a subtile fancy .

Rich.

What 's the subiect ?

Tu.

No subiect , but the Queene of his affections .

Nic.

I scorne subiects , 't is my Empresse your Daughters Muse hath set my muse on fire .

Tu.

Reade Sir .

Nic.

No , you shall read 'em for me .

Tu.

'T is a hue and cry Sir .

Ric.

A hue & cry , for what ?

Nic.

For what , why for somewhat I 'le warrant you .

Tut.

You may call it Loues hue and cry .

Nic.

Call it what you will , I know what 't is .

Wor.

Are you so Poeticall .

Nic.

I ha beene dabling in Helicon , next to trauaile 't is all my study marke the inuention .

Tutor reades . In Loves name you are charg'd hereby To make a speedy hue and cry , After a face who tother day Came and stole my heart away ; For your directions in briefe These are best markes to know the thiefe : Her hayre a net of beames would prove , Strong enough to Captive Iove : Playing the Eagle , her cleere brow Is a comely field of snow , A sparkling Eye , so pure a gray As when it shines it needs no day : Ivory dwelleth on her nose Lilly married to the rose , Have made her Cheeke the nuptiall bed Lippes betray their Virgins weed As they onely blusht for this That they one another kisse , But observe beside the rest You shall know this fellon best By her Tongue , for if your Eare Shall once a heavenly Musicke heare Such as neither Gods nor men But from that voyce shall heare , agen That that is shee , Oh take her t' ee None can rocke heaven asleepe but shee . Nic.

How doe you like my pipin of Pernassus Gentlemen .

Ric. Wor.

Very handsome .

Nic.

Na , I 'le warrant you , my Tutor has good furniture in him .

Wor.

I doe not thinke hee made 'em .

Nic.

Now you shall heare some verses of my owne making .

Rich.

Your owne , did you not make these ?

Tu.

He betrayes himselfe .

Nic.

Hum ? yes I made 'em too my Tutor knowes .

Tu.

I 'le take my oath who made e'm .

Nic.

But I wrote 'em for an other gentleman that had a Mistris .

Ric.

My daughter you said .

Nic.

I may say so , but that their faces are nothing alike , you would hardly know one from tother , for your better vnderstanding I will read 'em my selfe — Her foote .

Wor.

D ee begin there ?

Nic. Oh , I will rise by degrees . Her foote is feat with Dyamond toes But shee with legs of Ruby goes : Thighes Loadstones , and doe draw vnto her The Iron pinne of any wooer . Wor.

Pretious conceit .

Nic.

Her head .

Ric.

Her head ?

Wor.

You were betweene her thighes but now .

Nic.

T' is my conceit , I doe now meane to goe downewards agen , and meete where I left in the middle .

Her head is Opall , necke of Saphyre , Breast Carbuncles , shine like a fire . And the naked truth to tell you , The very mother of Pearle her belly : How can shee chose but heare my groanes , That is composed of precious stones . Wo.

I marry Sir .

Nic.

Now if you lik't you may .

Wo.

A word with you Sir , pray what d ee thinke of your pupill .

Tu.

I thinke nothing Sir .

Wo.

But deale ingeniously , your opinion .

Tu.

Shall I tell you ?

Wo.

Pray Sir .

Tu.

Nothing .

Wo.

I thinke so too , what doth my Brother meane to make this fond Election .

Tu.

For my owne part you heare me say nothing , but the good parts and qualities of men are to be valued .

Wo.

This fellow 's a Knaue , I smell him .

Tu

Some thing has some sauour .

Ni. When you please , name your owne time I 'me ready to be married at midnight . Ric.

About a seavennight hence .

Nic.

Let it be 3. or 4. I care not how soone , is breakefast ready .

Ric.

It waites vpon you .

Nic.

I doe loue to eate and drinke in a morning , though I fast all day after .

Ric.

I le follow brother .

Wo.

Wee 'le both attend . Exeunt .

Enter Mr. Aymwell with a Letter . Aym. This opportunity , let my couetous eye , Take to enrich it selfe , but first prepare With reuerence , as to an Alter bring No carelesse but Religious beames along With you to this new obiect , this small paper Carries the volume of my humane fate I hold my destiny , betwixt two fingers And thus am I wrapt vp without a name Being or expectation of worlds ioy More then this table ( when the curtaines drawne ) Presents in Character to my thirsty eye sight , Hayle thou embassadour from thine and my Mistris , bringing peace or vnkind warre Thou Embleme of her whitenesse which I kisse And thus againe salute . Enter Boy and Clare . Boy .

Then hee 's alone .

Cla.

So leaue vs .

Aym. Comming from her Can it be guilty of defiance to me Had shee not meant me happy shee had giuen My letter to the flame , and with it I In those thinne ashes had beene buried , Nor had shee dain'd this answere with the circumstance At my receiuing prompts mee to beleeue Gratious the gentle messenger command it Not as a thing shee woo'd a publique , but With eyes full of suspition which had beene Needlesse , had shee contemn'd my seruice . So smilingly departed , Thus I sent my paper Which what but loue taught her to imitate Without a superscription , Oh Clare welcome , Welcome to that heart daunce i' thy bosome If thou beest a friend and canst reioyce to know mee Happie , you thought me ridiculous and that I did With too much flattery of my selfe , expound your story Had I beene like thee of Frosty apprehension and cold Phlegmaticke iudgement , I had mist a blessing That wanton Iove would haue beene Riuall for Dost see this paper ? Cla.

Nothing in the outside .

Aym.

T' is inly pretious .

Cla. You haue not searcht the Lining that you promise so . Aym. I see through it , hast thou not heard the perfect Magnes Will although inclos'd within an Iuory box , Through the white wall shoote forth embracing vertue To the lou'd needle , I can read it Clare And reade a Ioy in 't that transports me , this Came from my Mistris , hauing touch'd her hand Whence it receiu'd a whitenesse hath it not Brought incense to dipersing a rich breath Sweeter then Arabian spicery About the roome , in which while it remaines Wee sucke in perfum'd ayre , it came from her My honest Clare , from her she whose rare wit taught When in thy dull opinion I was lost , My apprehension a new hope to thriue In my ambitious loue , excellent women The top of all creation I shall bee At once too happy , vnrip thou the seale Read it , and let thy voyce conuey it gently Least I be surfetted , but why should any Be honoured to receiue her But I , to whom shee hath directed it , By thy leaue silent paper , confident Of blesse I open my Elizeum And let my soule into it — ha . Reades Laden with mighty hopes how dispendant Haue I launched forth and finde a storme . Cla. What 's this ? Your owne Letter returned Can it be otherwise then in scorne . Aym.

In scorne .

Cla.

Ha you not now cause of tryumph , who is now the truer Prophet , you would nourish hope in spight of reason , now you feele a punishment in her derision .

Aym.

Is this credible .

Cla. Credible ? 'T is no wonder in a woman Though shee had promised , vowed affection to you It had not beene a miracle to find A Change in their affection , yet you cannot Accuse her much . Aym. Appear'd I so vnworthy That 'mong so many wayes she had to expresse At what poore value shee esteemed my proffered Seruice , her pride could finde out none but this To send me mine owne agen . Cla. Doe but imagine You sent a servant with a message to her , Shee not within , he is return'd agen Without an answere . Aym. Inciuility , Shee might haue thank'd me , and subscrib'd her name , I was not bound to her obseruance . Cla.

Come be free againe .

Aym. I will be so , with this That I could cancell my affection . Cla. What doe you meane , it hauing touch'd her hand Is full of incence and Arabian spicery You are too prodigall of your perfume . Aym.

Doe not thou mocke me too .

Cla.

Well , I ha done .

Aym. Would I had so I cannot empty all My torment , wherefore should a man loue woman Such aery mockeries , nothing but meere Ecchoes That owe theyr being to our opinion And in reward of honouring them , send backe As scornefully the language we bestowed . Out of our too much dotage . Cla. If they send , All they receiue from vs , accuse them not We haue our hearts againe . Aym. And I le haue mine , I will , I ha not yet , here wants a guest Inuite him home againe , Why should not I Be as coy as shee , and with as much neglect Throw her behind my thoughts , instruct me with Witty reuenge , and thou that see me tosse This shuttlecocke with as much pride , and when I 'me sated with this sport , let fall this vanity Into as low disdaine , pshew . Cla.

Nobly resolu'd .

Aym. Come to a Tauerne , drench the memory Of these poore thoughts . Cla. Let 's seeke out Master Fowler and Manly . Aym. And warm'd with sacke , wee 'l try Who can make Satyres best . Cla.

A match , le ts to 'em .

Enter Master Fowler , Manly like his Phisitian . Fow.

And thou dost not play the Doctor handsomely , I l'e set the Colledge of Phisitians vpon thee for practising without a licence .

Man.

Can you bee sicke ?

Fow.

I would but counterfeit .

Man.

So must I the Phisitian .

Fow.

I haue knowne a spruse Empericke hath given his patient 2 or 3. stooles with the bare repetition of crude wordes , and knotty sentences , which haue come from him like a Phlegme , which besides the operation in the hearers , who admire him for 't , while he beates like a drumme , at their barrell head , and turnes their braines like beere , does him the benefit to scowre his owne durty maw , whose dregs else would putrifie ; and infest his cheekes worse then a gangreene .

Man.

Are you sure shee will visit you ?

Fow.

As sure as I am well , for and I were sicke and would sleepe , I would rather , take a nap o' th ridge of Etna , and thee fall of deafning Nilus , then indure the visitation , of any of their tribe — one knockes , my pillow and lay my head in the aking posture . One knocks

Enter Aymwell and Clare . Man.

T is Aymwell and Clare .

Aym.

Where 's my witty Bacchanalian , how now ? what meanes this Apothecaries shop about thee , art Physicall ?

Fow.

Sicke , sicke .

Aym.

Didst not looke in a glasse to day ? how scuruely this nightcap shewes vpon thee .

Cla.

What 's the disease ?

Man.

A feauer Sir .

Aym.

Hang feauers , let 's to the Tauerne , and inflame our selues , with lusty wine , sucke in the spirit of Sacke , till wee bee Delphicke and prophecie my bully rooke .

Fow.

Alas .

Aym.

Alasse , is that the disease , Drench her , drench her in sack , sicke for a lasse , doe not foole thy selfe beyond the cure of Bedlam , be wise and well agen .

Fow.

You are merry , it seemes you haue won the Lady .

Aym.

What Lady ? the Lady i th' Lobster , I was halfe sicke for foolish thing called a woman , a toy tooke mee i' th head , and had like to haue taken away my heart too but I ha recouered , doe not trust thy body with a Phisitian , hee le make thy foolish bones goe without flesh in a fortnight , and thy soule walke without a body a seauen night after .

Man.

These are no Doctors ?

Aym. Doctor ! art a Parisian , a Paduan , or a Leaden Doctor ? How many and be true to vs hast thou kild the last Spring , will it puzzel thy arithmeticke , my pretious Rectifier of nature , the wrong way , — faith Thou must excuse me Iacke that I cannot condole With thee , by this whay beard of Esculapius , I dare Not endanger my selfe with so much mellancholly Least I fall into a relapse — whom haue wee heere ? Enter Whibble and Penelepe . Wo.

T' is reported that Master Fowler is sick and keepes his chamber , I hope hee 's within .

Pen.

Noble Sir .

Aym.

Fayre Lady .

Pen.

How fare you Sir ?

Fow.

The better to see you heere .

Man.

Vpon the entrance of this Gentlewoman , I finde your griefe much altered .

Pen.

Vpon mine ?

Man.

Yes , and by that I dare presume to say you are the cause of his distemper .

Pen.

I Sir ?

Pow.

A cunning Doctor

Man.

For I obserud so soone as his searching eye had fastned on her , his labouring pulse that through his Feauor did , before sticke hard , and frequent now exceeds in both these differences and this Gallen himselfe found true vpon a woman , that had doted vppon a Fencer .

Cla.

I ?

Whi. Shee did long for tother bout then , Fow.

Giue vs leaue pray .

Aym.

A very pretty fellow ,

Cla.

Well skild i' th pulse .

Aym.

You know my disease too d ee not ? will not my complexion giue you the hint on 't

Man.

You are not very well .

Aym.

How Sir ?

Man.

By your fauour you will come too 't .

Aym.

To what ?

Man.

To a burning Feauor — is there not one woman in the world .

Aym.

I thinke there is , and too much of that , what then what conclude you ?

Man.

Nothing but Sirrup of Violet , would comfort you going to bed .

Aym.

Violet ?

Cla.

Has giuen 't you .

Fow:

It does me good Lady to feele you by — the hand .

Pen:

Would it were in my power to recouer you .

Fow:

The Doctor I thanke him has taken paines with me , but he sayes — nothing will doe me good .

Pen:

Nothing ?

Fow:

But that , which is another sicknesse to reueale .

Pen:

Pray Sir acquaint me .

Fow.

I know you loue me .

I haue a great mind and 't were but for two or 3. Minutes , to haue a maide warme my bed .

Pen.

That may be done .

Fow.

With her body — else t' will doe me no good the Doctor sayes — to put life in some of my limbes , a little virgin warm'th wo'd doo 't .

Pen.

You haue a burning Feauor .

Fow.

But now and then I haue such cold fits againe — and t' is the Doctors opinion — a very learned man .

Pen.

A learned Pandor .

Man.

He 's at it .

Fow.

Doctor .

Cla ..

Againe passionate .

Aym:

Why , I may loue her name without offence , to you , why did hee waken my remembrance I had forgotten her .

Cla:

Thinke vpon her scorne then .

Aym:

I ha done , and till I heare her name agen I will throw this dulnesse off .

Cla:

Le ts choose another subiect

How closely they consult , the Doctor is in a fit of counsell I suspect some iugling — hee comes of , I le gage a limbe this fellowe 's an impostor .

Aym.

Is there not much danger in him ?

Man.

Within two minutes Gentlemen , I haue discovered happier symptomes .

Aym.

So Sir.

Man.

The redundant chollerick matter .

Aym.

T is no matter Sir .

Man.

I thinke you doe not loue him .

Cla.

Pursue it .

Aym.

What shall I gee to poyson him ?

Man.

How ?

Aym.

Would he were in Heauen , de' e like well of this complexion .

Man.

It shall hire me to kill your Father

Pen. To shew how much I valew sir your life For I beleeue you doe not mocke , soone as Your strength will giue you leaue to visit me At my Fathers house , where I can command An opportunity , my true loue shall Present you with your wishes , my maid onely . Shall be of councell to admit you , but You 'le make me satisfaction by marriage . Fow.

At a minutes warning .

Pen.

One thing more , ere I giue vp my honour , I will haue your oath no other woman hath enioy'd your person .

Fow.

Willingly , 'las I could neere be tempted , and but that there is a kind of necessity .

Pen.

Be confident of my best loue .

Fow. Seale it now , I feele my spirits gather force already , My blood shake off the corrupt humour , ha ? What an I goe home we 'e Lady ? Pen.

Y' are pretty well already , then you may excuse our meeting .

Fow.

Ho , no , no , we are all apt to flatter our selves , farewell sweet Lady , —— if I liue I 'le see you , if I dye ——

Pen.

Whible ——

Whi.

At hand and foote to doe you service .

Exeunt . Aym.

You will poyson him .

Man.

He is dead , as you find me in this , let me ha your custome .

Aym.

You quick salving Rogue .

Man.

Doe , bee valiant .

Mauly discouers . Fow.

A stratagem my noble Tully , a stratagem , shee 's my owne , the castle of comfort is yielding vp , I see it prostrate already , my valiant Engineere .

Cla.

The old humour ; now has he the promise of some Maydenhead .

Fow.

The beleeuing Creature could not hold out .

Aym.

If you thriue so well in your wench , I am no company for you .

Fow.

Not for me , I le worry thee Franck to death , if thou flinchest , to the Oracle boyes , thou shouldst hunt as I doe these wanton Rabbet suckers , come wee 'l haue thy story in Apollo , now my owne tales over , — — I 'le busy my breines to set thy wheels in a handsome motion agen , be bold as I am , let no denyall , make thee remoue thy siege , they must come to parly , make but wise conditions , and the Forts thine owne I warrant thee , come to the Oracle .

Exeunt . Enter Breines . Bre.

Cracke my sides with laughter , heere 's a purchase happier then I expected , her owne Letter to Aymwell , his ( which was the most I could hope for ) would haue beene but presumption , this is euidence against the world , to this haue I added seale and superscription to the old Knight my Master , oh how I could hug my selfe with the thought on 't , they may talke of womens wit , 't is as slender as their apronstrings from whence they fetch it , they haue no reaches in 'em , here comes my Mistris moueable . Enter Sensible . She shall doe the seate Mistris Sensible , here 's a Letter to my Master , I am going in some hast to dispatch some businesse , when he comes , at opportunity doe so much as deliuer it , woo't .

Sen.

A greater curtesy then this for you .

Bre.

Oh that I were a Youth of one and twenty againe .

Sen.

What then ?

Bre.

Heare my wish out , and ten thousand pounds in a musty Coffer , a house well furnished , Acres enough of my own about it , 50. ploughs a going , 20. horse in the stable , beside a Caroach & 6. Flanders Mares 10. tall knaues in liuerie , 8. veluet Pages , 6. Footmen in Cadis . I would marry thee , loue thee , lye with thee , and get so many braines without sage , as should furnish any nation in Christendome , with politicians girle , farewell sweet , kind Sensible .

Sen.

What crotchets be these , the fellowes mad I thinke .

Enter Violetta . Vio: Oh looke Sensible seeke euery where About the chamber , I ha lost the letter Aymwell sent me , if we should be Discouer'd , we are quite vndone , what s that in thy hand , Sen:

A letter .

Vio:

Whence .

Sen:

I know not t' was left heere , and Breines hauing some businesse to dispatch requested me to deliuer it .

Vio:

Let me see 't . To the right worshipfull Sir George Richly , I see him comming , loose no time , employ thy diligence to search for mine , I will deliuer this .

Sen.

I shall Mistris .

Vio: My father presses me to marry Treedle Short time's allowed for the preuention Enter Sir Geo. My good angell assist me , here 's a letter Sir . Geo.

Whence .

Vio.

I know not , your seruant Breines receiued it .

Geo.

What 's here — daughter doe not you know whence this letter came ?

Vio.

Not I Sir .

Geo.

You cannot bee so ignorant .

Vio.

What meanes my father ?

Geo.

You are familiar with the Contents .

Vio.

I beseech you Sir haue no suspition . —

Geo.

I 'le read it to you , Mr. Aymwell ; I receiued your letter , and praise your apprehension , vpon the first view of your person , I conceiu'd opinion of your merit , the flame is now too great to bee supprest , it is no time to protract your hopes nor dishonour in mee to yeild vpon noble conditions at the first summon , I accept your loue , and require your industry to preuent my fathers purpose , my seruant Sensible you may trust , I will vse some inuention to delay my expected marriage , farewell .

Vio.

My harsh fate .

Geo.

De' e know this charracter , where 's my man Braines .

Vio.

Your man deuill . Enter Braines .

Bra.

Did your worship call ?

Geo. Oh my best seruant . Does not thy very soule blush to deceiue me . Bra:

What 's the matter Mistris .

Vio:

Here me I beseech you .

Geo: I' th height and puzze of my care to make Thee , happie ? to conspire thy ouerthrow I wo'not heare . Bra:

Good Sir .

Vio.

This was your worke you can read .

Bra:

And write too the superscription of a Letter or so .

Geo. Where 's Sensible Enter Sensible . For your good seruice to your Mistris housewife Packe vp your trinckets , I here discharge you . Bra:

I hope you are Sensible .

Vio:

Oh wench my father hath my letter .

Sen:

Yours ?

Vio:

And I mistaking seal'd and return'd Aymwell that which he sent .

Sen:

How came he by 't .

Vio:

Talke not of that , Oh for some art to helpe vs .

Bra:

Let me councell you not to expresse any violence in your passions , least you marre the possibility of reclayming her , it seemes Aymwell ha's mist the intelligence , where shame is inforc'd too much vpon the delinquent , it begets rather an audacious defence of the sin , then repentance , soft raine slides to the root , and nourishes , where great stormes make a noyse , wet but the skin a' th earth , and runne away in a channell .

Sen:

A most rare proiect .

Vio. It will appeare the same , both made together Which since my sisters death I haue worne . Geo:

Which of my cares reward'st thou with this folly .

Vio.

Sir can you pardon ?

Geo.

I loue you but too well , goe to your chamber .

Vio:

But must wee part .

Geo:

Dispute it not .

Bra:

Bu'y sweet Mistris Sensible , I hope wee shall meete againe as merry as we part .

Sen.

'T is very violent , but wee obey your pleasure , I haue onely apparrell and some few trifles .

Geo:

Take 'em all we 'e and be gone .

Vio.

Beside my owne misfortune , I haue cause to pitty thine , my father is displeas'd , and not iniustly , happy genius . — Exeunt

Geo:

So , things must be mannag'd wisely , I will hasten the marriage .

Bra:

By all meanes let it be suddaine .

Geo:

Within two dayes — to morrow .

Bra:

I wo'not sleepe , till shee be married , but carry things smooth , let not the Knight suspect y' are troubled , your daughter will be fetc'ht about with a byas againe .

Geo:

How thou deseru'st me , let vs in .

Bra: Hereafter for my sake , and subtle paines Who ere is wise , let the world call him Braines .
ACTVS . IV.
SCENA . I. Enter Aymwell and Sensible . Aym.

CAn this be true ?

Sen:

As I haue faith to heauen .

Aym: Take this and this for thy sweete story , thou Hast entranc'd me with thy language ; laden With my dispaires , like a distressed barke I gaue my selfe vp lost in the imagin'd Tempest , but at point of striking Vpon a rocke , what a caelestiall gale Makes my sayles swell with comfort , and enforcing My ship into the channell , I doe feele it Bound on the waues , discretion at the helme Which passion made forsaken , I now blesse The Minute I weighed Anchor ; oh my destiny Dwell longer on this threed and make it firme , Vpon it hangs the weight of such a fortune That if it cracke , will swifter then Ioues flaming Arrow , digge my graue i' th earths center , Forgiue me sacred sexe of women that In thought or sillable I ha declaym'd Against your goodnesse , I will redeeme it With such religious honouring your names That when I dye some neere thought stained Virgin Shall make a relicke of my dust , and throw My ashes like a charme vpon those men , Whose faithes they hold suspected , to what pitch Of blessednesse are my thoughts mounted . Sen. Sir , This is an opportunity for action Time will runne fast vpon the minute . Aym. Pardon The trespasse of my ioy it makes me vilde I am too well rewarded for thy suffering Promise thy selfe a noble recompence . Enter Manly , and Clare . Man:

Come ha you finisht your discourse yet .

Aym: Y' are my friends , I was deceiued in my Violetta Shee loues , sh 'as sent me proofe , but a mistake Sent backe my letter , and detain'd her answere Which was betray'd to her father , but keepe your wonder To honour her rare wit , which if the starres Shew themselues not malicious , will assure All my desires in her , a diuine proiect She is the master engine , you must worke too , Will you not friends ? Both :

You know you may commaund vs .

Aym. Then spread your bosomes , you shall straight procure A caroach be ready a' th backside a' my lodging , Doe not loose time in questioning , my fate Depends vpon your hast . Man.

Promise it done .

Aym:

You shall disguise your selfe I must employ you in rougher action .

Clar: I refuse no office To aduance your hopes . Aym. My certaintie's , in thee , The frame of our whole building leanes , come on Moue slowly time vntill our worke be done . Exeunt . Enter Violetta , Tutor . Vio. I was not blind to your deserts . Nor can be so vngratefull now , as not To giue encouragement to your affection My father may commaund my person , neuer My loue to marry Treedle . Tu.

Hee 's an asse I made his best verses for 'em .

Vio.

I thought his fancy would not reach 'em .

Tu.

His sconce is drier then a Pumice .

Vio.

There be wayes to preuent marriage for I 'me already changed .

Tu.

Y' are wise , le ts run away together .

Vio.

But how shall I be sure your loue is firme .

Tu.

Try me and trust me after .

Vio.

And I will , for shall it be a hard taske I le impose on you , dare you fight ?

Tu.

If I like my enemy .

Vio.

'T is a poore old fellow .

Tu.

Then I 'le kill him , his name ?

Vio.

My fathers seruant Braynes .

Tu. Hee 's dead . By this time . Vio. Stay , there is a circumstance To be obserued , by some meanes I 'le procure He waites on me to the Strand this afternoone . Enter Sir Nicholas , and Whible . Sir Nicholas ? your eare for the rest . Tu. He will suspect nothing by our priuacy , He bad me take occasion to vrge His good parts to you , should hee aske I 'de sweare I did but presse his commendations . Nic.

Is thy name Whible .

Whi.

Yes , and 't please your worship .

Nic.

I like thee the better for that my name 's Treedle .

Whi.

I thanke your worship .

Nic.

Hast done hooking a me .

Whi.

Euery eye hath his obiect already .

Nic.

A witty knaue , what place dost thou occupie vnder thy Master .

Whi.

I am commonly his journey-man Sir .

Nic.

How ?

Whi.

I looke to his Horses sir .

Nic.

Wo't serue mee when I 'me married .

Whi.

Alas , I haue no good parts to commend men .

Nic.

No good parts , and thou hast but skill in Horses and Dogs , th' art fit for any Gentleman in England .

Vio.

Iust at that place assault him .

Tu.

By your faire hand I will .

Vio.

My Delight , how fare you .

Nic.

I 'me studying some witty Poesie for thy wedding Ring , let me see —

Vio.

Trouble not your head , Whible intreat my Father hither .

Nic.

No matter , I will send to the Vniuersity .

Vio.

Were you euer of any Colledge ?

Nic.

Colledge , I haue had a head in most a th' Butteries of Cambridge , and 't has beene sconc'd to purpose . I know what belongs to Sizing and haue answered to my Que in my dayes , I 'me free of the whole Vniuersity , I commencd with no worse then his Maiesties footmen .

Vio.

And euer since you haue had a running wit , you were better consult our wits at home , wee haue excellent Poets i' th Towne they say .

Nic.

I' th Towne ? What makes so many Schollers then come from Oxford and Cambridge , like Market women with Dorsers full of lamentable Tragedies , and ridiculous Comedies which they might here vent to the Players , but they will take no money for 'em .

Vio.

Oh my dearest ! How happie shall I bee when I 'me married . Kisse .

Enter Sir George , Worthy . Wor.

Looke , they are ingendering at the lip .

Geo.

I like it well .

Vio.

Why are our ioyes defer'd ?

Nic.

But till to morrow .

Vio.

'T is an age me thinkes .

Nic.

Kind worme .

Wor.

This cannot be deceit .

Vio.

I want some trifles the Exchange will furnish me , Let it be your motion to my Father .

Nic.

Father and Vncle you will excuse our familiar conuersation ; I vow I le bee honest till I be married , nor as touch of my flesh within the walls , onely the suburbs of her lips or hands , or so , and when , and when is to morrow the day , the day of coupling and so forth , haue you got a licence .

Geo. It shall be my next worke : Nic.

Pray doe , weel 'e bee marryed here , but keepe our wedding at my owne house at Croidon , wee 'le ha the City Waites downe with vs , and a noise of Trumpets , we can haue Drummes i' th Country , and the Traine-Band , and then let the Spaniards come and they dare , dost heare ; heere 's twenty peeces you shall fribble e'm away at the Exchange presently .

Geo:

How Sir ?

Nic:

By this gold she shall Father , lay it out in Tooth-picks , I 'le weare 'em out in my hat ; come I 'le with you for the lycence .

Geo.

Who shall with her ?

Wor.

I must attend a proiect of my daughters . Exit .

Enter Braines : Geo.

Braines .

Bra:

Sir .

Geo:

Waite on my daughter to the Exchange , obserue her carefully .

Bra:

point me a minute to returne with her , if I faile put my braines into 'th pot , and let 'em be seru'd vp with a Calues head , to morrow dinner .

Vio:

It succeeds to my wish .

Nic.

Violetta , look you lay out my gold at the Exchange in Bartholomew Fairings , farewell Violetta .

Bra:

Come Mistris will you walke , I would faine see any mortall wit couzen me a my charge now , I will liue to be the shame of Pollititians , and when I am dead , be clapt vp into the Chronicles .

Enter Fowler . Fow:

Ah the desire of vnlawfull flesh , what a coniuring dost thou keepe within vs to lay this little spirit of conscience , the world and the divell , are tame and sprightlesse temptations , poore traffique to this staple commoditie of Whooring : this is the place where I must take shipping for the Summer Islands , if she keepe touch , I will call them fortunate , and once a Weeke make a Love voyage to them . Ha! are we entertayn'd with Musicke ?

Song . Backe , backe againe , fond man forbeare , Buy not a Minutes play too deare : Come with Holy flame and bee Welcome to Vertue and to mee .

Come with Holy flame and bee , welcome to Vertue and to me ? Flame ? I bring none wo' me , and I should be sorry to meete any fire workes here , for those hereafter I looke on 'em a farre off , and apprehend them with lesse feare , againe ?

Song . Love a thousand sweets distilling , And with Nectar bosomes filling , Charme all eyes that none may find vs , Be above , before , behind vs ; And while wee thy pleasures tast Enforce Time it selfe to stay , And by fore-locke hold him fast Least occasion slip away .

I marry , this is another manner of invitement , I 'le to her but — Enter Winifrid . Heere comes the squire of her Mistresses body , how does my little taper of Virgin waxe , thou hast beene in some dampe thou burnst blew me thinkes .

Win.

Noble Sir .

Fow.

What , a cold .

Win.

A great cold , I ha lost my voyce .

Fow.

And thou hast not lost thy Maydenhead 't is no matter , have a little care of thy Francke Tenement , and thy tongue will come time enough to it selfe I le warrant thee , what place has she chosen for the Encounter ?

Win.

Her chamber .

Fow.

Her chamber ?

Win.

'T is all darke .

Fow.

Is 't all darke , I commend her pollicy the better , then the roome , and the deed that must bee done in 't will be of one complexion , so shee be light I care not , prethee convey me to her .

Win.

Follow me .

Fow.

As thy shadow woe bee to some a the deere sexe when a Chambermaid is Vsher to a Gentleman . Exit .

Enter Mistris Penelope and Worthy . Pen.

It shall be a harmelesse tryall Sir .

Wor.

Goe too , I know thou art vertuous , put in execution thy purpose , I 'le be within the reach of thy voyce .

Pen. It shall be my security , What ill starre , rul'd at my Natiuity , That I should be so miserable to loue A man , whose glory is his vice , whose study Is but to ruine vertue . Enter Winifrid . Win.

Mistresse ?

Pen.

Heere Winifrid .

Win.

The Gamester waytes his entrance iocund as a Bridgegroome , hee has forgot his Feauer .

Pen.

Away you know your charge , be ready where are you Sir , Mr. Fowler She speakes hoarse . Enter Fowler .

Fow.

Hell , if darknesse will carry it , yet hell cannot be so blacke .

There are too many flames in 't , thy hand , what Monkes hole hast thou brought me to , where 's thy Mistris .

Pen.

This is the way .

Fow.

Is this the way ? it is a very blind one , the Diuell can hardly know me if hee meet me heere that 's my comfort , yet if hee did , he loues the sinne too well to interrupt so precious a meeting , prethee Child of darknesse conduct me to the handsome Fairie I must dance withall .

Pen.

It seemes your Feauer hath left you .

Fow.

My Feauer , I forget my selfe , I should haue counterfeited sicke all this while , but no matter and thy Mistris know it not , thou art skilfull in secrets , and I will deserue it : two or 3. fits when I am in her presence , will make her keepe her promise , wo 'me about the cure , for that she thinkes I was so , prethee doe thy office and bring me to her , I hope she is not within hearing .

Pen.

Feare not .

Fow.

So about it then .

Pen.

There 's a fee belongs to my place first :

Fow.

A fee belonging to your place , as I hope for a limbe of thy Mistresse I had forgot it , there 's gold I can feele it by this darkenesse : for thou seest I haue no light to sweare by 't is weight , quicke periwincle to thy mistris now .

Pen.

This is not enough .

Fow.

There 's more , take siluer and all .

Pen.

This is nothing .

Fow.

Is it nothing ? by this hand wo'd I could see 't , t is all I haue , wo't search me ?

Pen.

There is another Fee belongs to vs .

Fow.

Another Fee belongs to us ? what 's that ? I must kisse her , th' hast a down lip , and dost twang it handsomely , now to the businesse .

Pen.

This is not all I looke for :

Fow.

Shee wo'not tempt me to come aloft will she ?

Pen.

If you could see me I doe blush ;

Wor.

What does my daughter meane ?

Fow.

If I could see her shee does blush shee ; sayes t is so : oh the insatiable desires of Chamber-maydes ! they were wont to looke no higher then the Groome or Seruingman and be thankefull , or if the Master would be pleased to let 'em shew him this lobby to'ther withdrawing chamber , or the turret in summer , and take occasion to commend the scituation and so forth , 't was after the Lady had beene seru'd , out of his owne meere motion and fauour , and 't was taken as an endearement for euer of their seruice and secrecie , now they must be tasters to 'em i' the sweete sinne , Fees o' the Court must be payed , or no suit commenc'd with iniquity , O Venus , what will this world come to ?

Pen.

Heare me .

Fow. Yes , I cannot see thee . Pen.

This chamber by my policy was made darke :

Fow.

This chamber by your policy was made darke , so .

Pen.

My Mistris expected you without this ceremony .

Fow.

Your Mistris expects me , &c. cunning Gipsey .

Pen :

But if you condiscend not first :

Fow.

But if I condiscend not first , will she threaten me ?

Pen.

To impart to me the sweet pleasure of your body .

Fow :

To impart to you the sweet pleasure of my body ,

Pen :

Indeed you shall not imbrace my Mistris and so forth . — —

Fow.

Indeed I shall not imbrace your Mistris and so forth , you will iustifie this to her face , t is not that I stand vpon a cariere , but I wo'not be compeld to lye with any Whore in Christendome , was euer such a Goate in nature , why harke yoe virgin aboue ground , for a darke roome or a sellar are all one for you , you that are a degree aboue the Kitchin , and make your Masters man run mad to heare you play a th' Virginals , whose breath though strengthned with garlicke , you wo'd sucke like a domesticke Catte at midnight , will no dyet downe with you ; but what is reserued for your Mistresses pallate , you are in hope to filch a point from my breeches , which executed at both ends , you will weare about your smutchy wrist for a bracelet , I will seeke out thy Mistris , rifle her Lady-ware in spight of thee , and giue my footmen charge not to kisse thee , and it would keep thee from starving , would I could see the way out agen :

Pen.

I can betray and will .

Fow.

Shee 'le betray vs , she has voyce enough for such a mischiefe , dost heare , doe but consider she is thy Mistris , there 's some reason she should be prefer'd .

Pen.

I l'e heare none .

Fow.

Shee 'le heare no reason , if the divell hath fed her blood with the hope of me , would he would furnish her with an Incubus in my shape to serue her , or let a Satyre leape her , oh vnmercifull Chambermaides , the graue is sooner satisfied then their wantonnesse , dost heare , wo't ha the truth on 't , 't was a condition betweene vs , and I swore no woman should enioy me before her , there 's conscience I should be honest to her , prethee be kind to a young sinner , I will deserue thee hereafter i' the height of dalliance .

Pen :

I am i' the same humor still .

Fow :

She is i' the same humour still , I must go through her to her Mistris , art thou a Christian ? — — Well tho'rt a braue girle , and I doe loue thy resolution , and so soone as I haue presented my first fruits to thy Mistris onely for my oathes sake I 'le returne and ply thee with embraces , as I am a Gentleman prethee shew me the way .

Pen.

I wo'not trust you Sir ,

Fow.

Wo'not you trust me ? why come on then and there be no remedy .

Pen.

Will you satisfie my desire ?

Fow.

I 'le doe my endeauour , I am vntrussing as fast as I can , nay and I be provock't , I am a Tyrant , have at you Beauchamp .

Pen.

Winfryd .

Enter Winfryd with light . Fow : Ha you found your voyce , what Meane you by this light ? Pen.

That you should see your shame

Fow. Cheated , ha ? Is this your loue to me , your noble loue I did suspect before how I should find you , Pen. Degenerated man , what mad disease Dwels in thy veynes that does corrupt the flowings Of generous bloud within thee , Fow. Shall I not vault Gentlewoman ? Pen. What behaviour of mine Gave thee suspicion I could be So lost to vertue , to giue vp mine honour , Poore man how thou didst foole thy selfe Goe home and pray thy sinne may Be forgiven , and with teares Wash thy polluted soule . Wor. I like this well And find her noble ayme . Pen. Be man againe ; For yet thou art a Monster , and this act Published will make thee appeare so blacke and Horrid , that euen beasts will be ashamed Of thy society , my goodnesse in hope of Your conuersion makes me chides you so , Ha Winifryd dost thou obserue him , oh my heart Is full of feare , I tremble to looke on him : See of a suddaine what a palenesse has Possest his face , doe not his eyes retyre Into their hollow chambers , Sir how doe you ? Fow:

Well .

Wor.

What new proiect 's this ?

Win. A suddaine change . Sure heauen is iust vnto thy late imposture , And thou art punisht now indeed with sicknes For mocking heauen I feare , oh dost thou see . Fow.

What ?

Pen. Death sits vpon his forehead , I ne're saw The horrour of a dying countenance , But in this Gentleman , Winifryd to my closset , Fetch me the Cordial , Fow. What de' e meane Gentlewomen , I doe not feele any such dangerous sicknes . Pen. What a hollow voyce he has , oh my misfortune If he should die here , fetch me some strong waters . Fow.

No no , I can walke for 'em my selfe if need be .

Pen. He talks wildly : I may suspect him , if y 'aue so much strength To walke , goe home , call your Physician , And friends , dispose of your estate , and settle Your peace for heauen I doe beseech you Sir . My prayers shall begge a mercy on your soule : For I haue no encouragement to hope Your glasse hath many sands , farewell Sir , cherish Pare holy thoughts , that if your life soone end , Your better part may to you Court ascend , come to my Father . Exeunt . Fow.

What 's the meaning a this sicke and dying , I feele no paine , I haue heard of some dyed with conceite , if it should kill me , I were a precious cockscombe , was euer poore Gentleman brought into such a foolish paradise prepared for a race , and mounting into th' saddle , I must goe home and dye , well , if I liue I 'le quit your cunning , and for the more centainty , my reuenge may prosper , I wo'not say my prayers till it take effect . Enter Tutor .

Tut.

This is the place where I must exercise my valour vpon Braines , I was ne're giuen to fight , but I 'me engaged for such a prize as I would challenge all the Noble sciences in my owne defence .

Enter Aymewell , Clare , Manly . Aym. I cannot spye 'em , yet , pray heauen no Disaster crosse our proiect , Cla.

What thing 's that walkes about the doore ?

Aym. One practising I Thinke , the postures of a Fencer . Tut.

Things occurre worthy consideration :

Were I best to speake before I strike him , or giue him blowes , and tell him reason afterwards . I doe not like expostulations , they proclaime our anger , and giue the enemy warning to defend himselfe , I 'le strike him valiantly and in silence .

Cla.

What does he mutter ?

Aym.

What busines stayes him here , some treachery .

Tut. Being resolu'd to strike before I speake . 'T is worth my iudgement , whether Fist or Sword Shall first salute him , I 'le be generous , And giue him first two or three wholesome buffets , Which well laid on , may happily so maze him , My weapon may be vselesse , for I feare Should I begin with steele , her very face Would force me make too deepe incision , And so there may be worke for Sessions , I like not that as valiant as I am , Killing is common . Aym.

Clare , they are in sight , downe , downe , oh my rauisht soule , what blisse is in this obiect ?

Tut.

Ha they are comming , 't is she and the old Ruffian he has but a scuruy countenance , I ha th' advantage in the first blow , and I shou'd be very sorry , he should beate me in the conclusion .

Enter Clare . Cla.

Why does this fellow stay ?

Tut. I must on , she has spyed me through her maske , I see her smile already , and command A present Battery . Enter Braines before Violetta . Cla.

Will this fellow preuent my office , he goes toward him with a quarrelling face , ha , I 'le not engage my selfe , then 't is so : withdrawes

Vio.

Helpe , helpe . She runs in & presently slips out Sencible drest like her Mistris .

Bra.

Mistris stay , Feare nothing , alas good Gentlewoman , you blacke Magot death , I 'de treade him into the kennell amongst his kindred .

Tut. Hold , helpe , murder , Bra. We shall haue the whole streete about 's presently let 's on our iourney , who 's this Mole-catcher ? And ye had not beene wo 'me , I would haue cut Him into more pieces then a Taylors cushin , Sir Nicholas you shall know on 't too . Exeunt . Tut. They are gone together , Poxe a this toughnes , Has made an Asse of me , next him doe I hate the Law Most abominably , for if I might kill and not be hang'd :

For him 't wo'd neuer trouble me , shall I loose my reputation , So I 'le venture an other pounding , but I 'le be reveng'd on him . Exeunt

Enter Braines before Sensible . Bra.

My Mistris is growne very thtisty of her voyce a' the sudden , I haue ask'd her 2. or three questions , and she answers me with holding out her hand , as the poste at St. Albaines that points the way to London , either shee is growne sullen , or the fright she was in late like a Wolfe that sees a man first , hath taken away her voyce , — I 'le make her speake to me — He stayes , she puts him forward with her hand . — Said you forsooth — we will not doe , what a blessed comfort shal he enioy if she continue speechlesse , the Persians did worship a God vnder the name of Silence , and sure Christians may haue an excuse for their Idolatry , if they can find a woman whom nature hath posted into the world with a tongue , but no ability to make vse of that miserable Organ , what doe you thinke 't is a clocke ? two not stroke , ha ? how now Mrs. treading a toside , this is your way to the Exchange . She slips away .

Sen. My way you sawcie Clowne , take that , Bra.

You are bountifull , 't is more then I look't for .

She vnmaskes . Sen.

What ha you to say to me Sirra , cannot a Gentlewoman

Bra.

Ha ah my Braines melt , I am undone , I am vndone , you Succubus where is my Mistris ? Proserpine speake .

Enter Tutor with Serieants . Tut.

That 's he , your office .

Serg.

We arrest you Sir .

Bra.

Me you Toades ?

Sen.

Howe 's this ?

Tut,

Away with him to Prison , 't is no slight action , at your perils Sergeants — my fayrest Mistris .

Sen.

Mistris — I 'le honour this plot for the mirth sake .

Exeunt . Bra.

Sirra Tadpoole what dee' meane , I owe him not a penny by this flesh , he has a conspiracy vpon me , I charge ye in the Kings name vnbind me .

Serg. We charge you i' th Kings name obey vs , Bra.

May you liue to be arrested a th' Pox , and dye in a Dungeon , nay Innes a Court Gentleman , at next trimming shaue your eares and noses off , and then ducke you in their owne boggards .

ACTVS . V.
SCENA . I. Enter Sir George , Sir Nicholas , Mr. Worthy . Nic.

SO , now we have got a Lycense , I would see who dares marry your daughter besides my selfe , is she come from the Exchange yet ?

Wor.

Not yet Sir . Enter a Messenger .

Mes.

Your servant Braines remembers his duty in this Paper .

Geo.

Letters !

Nic.

Letters , let me read em .

Geo.

Your patience Sir .

Wor.

I doubt all is not well , what if some misfortune should now befall your Mistris , I hope you have Armour of Patience ?

Nic.

I and of Proofe too at home , as much as my Hall can hold , the Story of the Prodigall can hardly be seen for 't ; I have Pikes and Gunnes , enough for me and my Predecessors , a whole Wardrope of Swords and Bucklers , when you come home you shall see 'em .

Geo.

A Conspiracy .

Nic.

Oh Treason .

Geo.

My man Braines is arrested by your Tutor , a plot to take away my daughter , she is gone .

Wor.

I did prophesie too soone .

Nic.

My Tutor read travell to me , and run away .

With my Wench — a very Peripatetike — what shall I doe then , and some had arrested and clapt her up too — we should have knowne where to find her — d ee heare , I did not meane to marry with a License .

Wor.

How Sir ?

Nic.

No Sir , I did meane to marry with your daughter Am I a Gull ?

Wor.

Have Patience .

Nic.

I will have no patience , I will have Violetta , why does not Braines appeare ?

Wor.

His heeles are not at liberty , he 's in Prison .

Nic.

In Prison , why and he had beene hanged , he might have brought us word .

Geo.

I 'me rent with vexation , Sirra goe you with me to the Prison . Exit George and Messenger .

Wor.

What will you doe ?

Nic.

I le geld my Tutor .

Wor.

You were best finde him first .

Nic.

Nay I will finde him , and find him agen and I can light on him , let me alone , I le take halfe a doozen wo' mee and about it instantly . Exit .

Wor.

I wish thee well Neece , but a better husband .

Enter Fowler .

Who 's yonder , 't is Master Fowler , at an excellent opportunity . Exit .

Fow.

I doe walke still , by all circumstance I am alive , not sicke in any part but my head , which has only the pangs of invention , and is in travell of some pretious revenge , for my worse then Masculine affront , what if I report abroad shee 's dishonest , I cannot doe 'em a worse turne then to say so : some of our Gallants take a pride to belye poore Gentlewomen a'th at fashion , and thinke the discourse an honour to 'em ; confidently boast the fruition of this or that Lady , whose hand they never kist with the Glove off : and why may not I make it my revenge , to blurre their fames a little for abusing me .

Enter two Friends at severall Doores . 1.

Well met friend , what ? thou lookest sad .

2.

You will excuse me , and beare a part , when I tell the cause .

1.

What 's the Newes ?

2.

Our Friend Master Fowler 's dead .

Fow.

Fowler ! Ha ?

1.

Mr. Iohn Fowler .

Fow.

That 's I , that 's I , ha ?

2.

The same .

Fow.

Dead , am I dead ?

1. It cannot be , I saw him but this morning Lusty and pleasant , how dyed hee ? 2.

Suddenly .

1.

Where ?

2.

At Master Worthies house .

1.

Dead !

2.

Too true Sir .

Fow.

I wo'd not beleeve my selfe sicke , belike I am dead , 't is more then I know yet .

1.

He was a Sutor to Master Worthies daughter .

2.

Mistris Penelope , right .

Fow.

By all circumstance they meane me , these Gentlemen know me too , how long is it since I departed ? Some mistake —

1. How poore a thing is life , that we cannot Promise a Minutes certainty , i' th height And strength of youth , falling to dust agen . Fow.

Ha , ha , Gentlemen , what d' ee thinke a' the dead man ?

2.

'T is the last Office I can doe him , now to waite on him to the Earth .

Fow.

Coxcombes d' ee not know me , I 'me alive , d ee not see me ?

1. He was a noble Fellow , and deserves A memory , if my braine have not lost All his Poeticke juyce , it shall goe hard But I le squeeze out an Elegie . Fow.

For whom my furious Poet , ha , not know me , doe I walke invisible , or am I my owne Ghost , and you wo not see me , you shall feele me , you have a nimble pate , I may chance strike out some flash of wit — no —

Enter Master Worthy .

Here comes another , save you Master Worthy .

1.

Sir I heard ill newes , Master Fowlers dead .

Wor.

He is indeed Sir .

Fow.

Indeed you lye Sir .

Wor. I saw his eyes seal'd up by death , and him Rapt in his last sheet . 1.

Where 's his body ?

Wor.

At my sad house Sir .

Fow.

Is my body at your house ?

Wor. I did hope Gentlemen , we should ha found My house his Bridall Chamber , not his Coffin . But Heaven must be obey'd , my daughter lov'd him , And much laments his losse . Fow.

Very good , then I am dead , am I not ?

Wor. You both were in the number of his friends , I hope you 'll adde your presence to the rest , a' the Funerall . Fow.

Whose Funerall , you man of Bedlam .

2.

Cry mercy Sir , pray keepe your way .

1. It is a duty which without invitement We are both prompt to discharge . Fow.

Master Worthy , Gentlemen d' ee heare . Ex. man . Fow. Is 't possible , not know me , not see me , I am so thinne , and aery , I ha slipt out a' the world it seemes , and did not know on 't — if I be dead , what place am I in , where am I ? This is not Hell , sure I feele no torment , and there is too little company , no 't is not Hell — and I ha not liv'd after the rate of going to Heaven ; yet beside , I met iust now a Vsurer , that onely deales upon ounces , and carries his Scales at his Girdle , with which he uses to weigh , not mens necessities , but the Plate he is to lend mony upon , can this fellow come to Heaven ? Here a poore fellow is put i' th stockes for being drunke , and the Constable himselfe reeling home , charges others i' th Kings name to ayde him . There 's a spruce Captain , newly crept out of a Gentleman Vsher , and shufled into a Buffe Iurkin with gold Lace , that never saw service beyond Finsbury or the Artillery Garden , marches waving a desperate Feather in his Ladies beaver , while a poore Souldier , bred up in the Schoole of Warre all his life , yet never commenc'd any degree of Commander , wants a peece of Brasse , to discharge a wheaten Bullet to his ? belly no — this is not Heaven I know by the people that traffique in 't , where am I then ? Vmh I le to Worthies before they bury me , and informe my selfe better what 's become a me , if I finde not my selfe there in a Coffin , there 's hope I may revive agen , if I be dead , I am in a world very like the other , I will get me a female spirit to converse withall and kisse , and be merry , and imagine my selfe alive againe . Exit .

Enter Sir Nicholas , Whibble , Footman . Nic.

Come follow me , and be valiant my Masters .

Whib.

Remember your selfe Sir , this is your Worships Footeman , and for mine owne part , though I be not cut according to your cloth , I am a true Servant of yours , where d' ee think we shall finde 'em ?

Nic.

Where ? where dost thou thinke ?

Footm.

I thinke where his worship thinkes

Nic.

No matter , whether we find 'em or no , but when we have taken 'em , as if they be not 't is their owne fault , for we are ready , for Violetta upon submission , I will commit marriage with her , but for the Rogue my Tutor —

Whib.

What will you doe with him ?

Nic.

I le doe nothing to him , thou shalt kill him for me .

Whib.

It will shew better in your Footman .

Nic.

Thou sayest right , he can run him through quickly , but 't is no matter who , and the worst come to worst , 't is but a hanging matter , and I le get a pardon first or last , I would kill him my selfe , but that I should bee taxed to kill a poore worme , more then ever I did in my life , besides 't is not with my credit to be hang'd .

Whib.

And please your Worship , I le make a faire motion , take your choyce Sir Nicholas , whether we shall kill him and you 'll be hang'd for him , or you shall be hang'd for him and we 'll kill him .

Footm.

Vnder correction , I think it were better to take him Prisoner .

Nic.

I like my Footmans reason , we 'll take him first Prisoner , and whosoever hath a minde to be hang'd , may kill him afterwards — - oh that I had him heere now , I could cut him in pieces on my Rapiers point .

Whib.

Has not your worship beene at Fence Schoole ?

Nic

At Fence Schoole ? I think I have , I le play so many for so many , I name no weapons , with any High German , English Fencer of them all — - Canst not thou Fence Whibble ?

Whib.

I Sir alas —

Nic.

'T is but thus and thus , and there 's a man at your Mercy , I would cleaue a Button , and 't were as broad as the brim of your hat now , oh that I had but any Friend . but to kill a litle , prethee try me Whibble .

Whib.

I am none of your friends .

Nic.

Why then and thou lovest me , be my foe a litle , for a bout or so .

Whib.

I care not much to exercise your Worship , stand aside .

Nic.

Stay let me see first — there 's it — I cannot with my honour wound thee , I doe not stand upone the oddes of my weapon which is longer than thine , but thou seest thine is shorter than mine by a handfull , too much is too much .

Enter Tutor and Sensible . Footm.

Your Tutor Sir , and Mistris Violetta .

Nic.

How ! Downe with him some body — hee 's gone , follow him close — Oh run away cowardly rascall , will ye not fight against three ? Mistris it is my fortune you see or my destiny , to recover your lost Virginity , I am sorry for nothing , but that I ha shed no bloud in your rescue : but where there is no valour to be expected , 't is best to put up with valour and reputation , would the Rascall my Tutor have popt in before me ? I 'm glad I have prevented him , — dee heare — your father's mad , and I 'm litle better my selfe , but let 's be wise , loose no more time , I know a Parson shall divide us into man and wife ere any body think on 't , I le make all sure now , I le not be put into any more of these frights , I le marry you , if any man dare run away with you afterward , let it light upon mine owne head , and that 's the worse I am sure they can doe me .

Exeunt . Enter Worthy , and two friends . Wor.

Gentlemen I thanke you , you carried it To my desire most cunningly .

1 :

D' ee thinke 't has taken ?

2.

I am covetous to see the event .

Enter Penelope . Wor.

Pray sit — - Penelope

1.

In mourning .

Wor.

All parties in the ingagement .

Pen.

You oblige a womans service .

2. Gentle Lady And if it prove fortunate , the designe Will be your honour , and the deed it selfe Reward us in his benefit , he was ever wilde 1.

Assured your ends are noble , we are happy in .

Enter Winifrid . Win.

Master Fowler .

Wor.

Is he come already ?

Pen. Remove the hearse into this Chamber In your noblenesse , I desire you will Interpret fairely what I am to personate And by the Story you will finde I haue Some cause of passion . Enter Fowler . The Hearse brought in , Tapers . Fow.

This is the roome I sickned in , and by report dyed in , umh I have heard of spirits walking with aeriall bodies , and ha beene wondered at by others , but I must only wonder at my selfe , for if they be not mad , I 'me come to my owne buriall , certaine these clothes are substantiall , I owe my Taylor for 'em to this houre , if the Divell bee not my Taylor , and hath furnish'd me with another suit very like it — This is no magicall noyse , essentiall gold and silver ? What doe I with it if I be dead ? Here are no reckonings to be payd with it , no Taverne Bils , no midnight Revels , with the costly Tribe of amorous she sinners , now I cannot spend it , would the poore had it , by their prayers I might hope to get out of this new pittifull Purgatory , or at least know which way I came in to 't — Here they are in mourning , what a Divell doe they meane to doe with me — not too many teares Lady , you will but spoyle your eyes , and draw upon 'em the misery of Spectacles , doe not you know me neyther ?

Pen.

Oh Master Fowler .

Fow.

Ha , out wa 't , nay and the woman but acknowledge me alive , there 's some hope a me .

Pen.

I loved thee living with a holy flame to purge the errours of thy wanton youth .

Fow.

I 'me dead againe .

Pen. This made thy soule sue out so hasty a Divorce . And flee to aery dwellings , hath Left vs thy cold pale figure , which wee haue Commission but to chamber vp in Melancholly dust , where thy owne wormes Like the false servants of some great man shall devoure thee first . Fow. I am wormes meate , Pen.

We must all dye .

Fow:

Woo'd some of you would do 't quickly , that I might ha company ,

Pen. But wert thou now to liue againe with vs And that by miracle thy soule should with thy Body haue second marriage , I beleeue Thou woo'dst study to keepe it a chast Temple , holy Thoughts like Fumes of sacred incense houering About this heart , then thou wo'dst learne to be Above thy frailties , and resist the flatteries of Smooth-fac'd lust . Fow.

This is my Funerall sermon .

Pen.

The burden of which sinne , my feares perswade me , both hastned and accompanied thy death .

Wor.

This sorrow is vnfruitfull .

Pen. I ha done , May this prayer profit him , woo'd his soule were As sure to gaine heauen as his bodie 's , here , 2.

We must hope the best , he was an inconstant young man , frequenting of some companies , had corrupted his nature , and a little debauched him .

Fow.

In all this sermon I haue heard little commendations of our deare brother departed , rich men doe not goe to th' pithole without Complement of Christian burial , it seemes if I had liu'd to ha made a will , and bequeathed so much legacy as would purchase some Preacher a neate Cassocke , I should ha dyed in as good estate and assurance for my soule as the best Gentleman i' th Parish , had my Monument in a conspicuous place of the Church , where I should ha beene cut in a forme of prayer , as if I had beene cal'd away at my devotion , and so for hast to be in heauen , went thither with my booke and spectacles — do'e heare Lady and Gentlemen , is it your pleasure to see me , though not know me ? and to enforme a walking busines when this so much lamented brother of yours departed out of this world , in his life I had some relation to him , what disease dyed he of pray ? who is his heire yet at Common Law , for he was warme in the possession of Lands , thanke his kind father , who hauing beene in a consumption sixteene yeares , one day aboue all the rest hauing nothing els to doe , dyed , that the young man might be a Landlord , according to the custome of his ancestors :

1.

I doubt the proiect .

Fow.

You should be his heyre or executor at least by your dry eyes , Sir I commend thee , what a miserable folly 't is to weepe for one that 's dead , and has no sence of our lamentation , Wherefore were Blackes inuented ? to saue our eyes their tedious distillations , 't is enough to be sad in our habits , they haue cause to weep that haue no mourning Cloth , 't is a signe they get little by the dead , and that 's the greatest sorrow now adayes , you lou'd him Lady , to say truth you had little cause , a wild young man , yet and hee were aliue againe , as that 's in vaine to wish you know , he may perchance be more sensible , & reward you with better seruice , so you would not proclaime his weaknes , — faith speake well a' th dead hereafter and bury all his faults with him , will ye , what are these all the guests ? ha ? what papers ? some Elegy or Epitaph ? who subscribes ? oh this is your Poetry .

How he dyed some doe suppose How he sined the Parish knowes , Whether he 's gone to heauen or hell , Aske not me I cannot tell .

Very well , would the Gentleman your friend were aliue to giue you thanks for 'em .

What haue we more ? Vnderneath , the fayre not wise , Too selfe lou'd Narcissus lyes , Yet his sad destruction came From no Fountaine but a flame , Then youth Quench your hot desires , Purge your thoughts with chaster fyres , Least with him it be too late , And death triumph in your fate Hither all you Virgins come , Strow your teares vpon this Tombe . Perhaps a timely weeping may So dispose his scorched clay , That a chast and snowy flower May reward your gentle shower .

Very well done vpon so dead a subiect , by the Virgin that 's in 't , you should owe this parcell of Poetry Lady .

Pen. A womans muse sir , Fow.

Oh now you can answere me , am I dead still ?

Pen. Yes : Fow.

Then you talke to a dead man .

Pen.

I doe .

Fow.

Where am I dead ?

Pen. Here , euery where . Y' are dead to vertue , to all noble thoughts , And till the proofe of your conuersion To piety winne my faith , you are to me Without all life , and charity to my selfe , Bids me endeauour with this ceremony To giue you buriall if hereafter I Let in my memory to my thoughts , or see you . You shall but represent his ghost or shadow Which neuer shall haue power to fright my innocence . Or make my cheeke looke pale , my ends are compas'd , And here in sight of heauen . Fow. Stay , Tha' rt a Noble girle , and dost deserue To marry with an Emperour , remoue This sad thing from vs , you doe know me Gentlemen Witnesse my death to vanity , quitting all Vnchast desires , reuiue me in thy thoughts , And I will loue as thou hast taught me nobly And like a husband , by this kisse the seale That I doe shake my wanton slamber off , And wake to vertue . Wor.

Meete it daughter .

Pen. Now you begin to liue : Fow.

I will grow old i' th study of my honour , this last conflict hath quite ore'come me , make me happy in the stile of your sonne .

Wor.

My blessings multiply .

Gent.

We congratulate this euent .

Wor.

See my brother . Enter Sir George , Braines .

Bra. Let not your rage be so high Sir , I ha more cause to be mad , Geo.

Thou ?

Bra:

I .

Geo.

I haue lost my daughter .

Bra.

But I haue lost my credit , that had nothing else to liue . I was more proud of that then you could be of twenty daughters ,

Wor.

Haue you found 'em ?

Geo.

Not , not , and yet this old Ruffian will not let me vex for it , he sayes the greatest losse is his .

Bra.

And I 'le maintaine it , 't was my boast that I was neuer couzned in my life , haue I betrayed so many plots , discouered letters , deciphered Characters , stript knavery to the skinne , and layd open the very soule of Conspiracie , deserv'd for my cunning to bee called Braines both Towne and Country over , and now to forfeit 'em , to see 'em drencht in a muddy stratagem , cheated by a woman , and a pedanticall lousie Woodmonger , 't is abhominable ; patience I abhorre thee , I desire him that bids me goe hang my selfe , which is the way to Surgeans Hall I 'le beg to ha my skull cut , I have a suspition my braines are filcht , and my head has beene late stuft with Woodcocks Feathers .

Fow.

Be not mad .

Bra.

I will in spight of any man here , who shall hinder me if I have a minde too 't .

Geo.

Your happinesse removes my affliction , ha !

Enter Whibble , Tutor . Whib:

Where is Sir Nicholas ? we have brought the Gentleman .

Bra.

Are you there — this was the Champion that justled me , shall I fetch a Dog-whip , or let me cut him up he will make excellent meat for the Divels Trencher , I le carve him Sirra .

Geo.

Forbeare , where is my daughter ? villaine confesse .

Tut.

Alas Sir , I was waiting upon her home , Sir Nicholas met me , and tooke her from me .

Geo. Wor.

Sir Nicholas !

Whib.

Yes Sir Nicholas , hath Mistris Violetta , I am a witnesse .

Bra.

Why did he iustle me , there began the treachery , aske him that ?

Tut:

I pray y' sir let it be forgotten , I ha bin kickt for 't .

Enter at one Dore Mr , Aymwell , Violetta , Manly , Clare , at the other , Sir Nicholas and Sensible . Whib.

Here she is , no there she is .

Geo. Sir Nicholas : Wor: I am amaz'd : Nic.

Stay which is my wife ?

Geo.

Here 's my daughter .

Bra.

Mistris !

Fow.

Fine iugling . Francke whence commest ?

Aym: From the Priest , if you have any ioy for me , We are married . Nic.

Are there not two Sir Nicholasses , pray what d' ee call this Gentlewoman ?

Aymw.

Her name 's Violetta .

Viol.

Father your pardon .

Nic.

This is fine yfaith , well may a woman mistake her husband , when a man that is the wiser Vessell cannot know his owne wife .

Geo.

Marryed to Aymwell !

Man. Cla.

We are Witnesses .

Nic.

A good iest yfaith , hearke you , were you ever Catechiz'd ? What is your name forsooth ?

Sens.

Faith Sir guesse .

Aymw.

All passion will be fruitlesse but of ioy .

Nic. Sensible ? Came I from Croydon for a Chambermaid ? D' ee heare every body I ha married Sensible ! Man. Cla.

We are witnesses of that too .

Nic.

No no , this is my wife .

Aymw.

Touch her not with a rude hand .

Nic.

Why , I know she meant to be my wife , and onely I ha married her , as folkes goe to Law , by Attourney , she is but her Deputy , for the more state I married her by proxie .

Bra.

Doe not deceive your selfe Sir , though Princes depute men to marry their wives , women doe not use to be Cyphers , she is your wife in law , let me counsell you sir to prevent laughter , some body hath been couzened , I name no body , since it was your fortune to marry this wench , which cannot now be undone , seeme not to be sorry for 't , they doe purpose to ieere you out of your skinne else .

Nic.

Say'st thou so ?

Bra.

Be confident and laugh at them first , that they are so simple to think that you are guld , commend your choice , and say 't was a trick of yours to deceive their expectation .

Nic.

Come hither Madam Treedle , Gentlemen , you thinke now , I have but an ill match on 't , and that as they say I am cheated , doe not beleeve it — a Lady is a Lady , a bargain is a bargain , and I 'm a Knight & no Gentleman , so much for that — I grant I married her , in her Mistresses name , and though ( as great men , that use to choose wives for their favourites or Servants , when they have done with 'em ) I could put her off to my Footman or my Tutor here , I wo'not , I will maintain her my wife and publish her , d' ee see , publish her to any man that shall laugh at it , my owne Ladybird , and Madam Treedle .

Fow.

You are happy Sir , in being deceiv'd , he is a noble Gentleman .

Wor. Sir Nicholas has releast her , Let your consent be free then . Geo. You have wonne it Be my lov'd children , and I wish a ioy Flow in all Bosomes . Braines we are reconcil'd . Nic.

Tutor we pardon .

Vio. You may Sir , he was my engine , now , What sayes my factious servant , nay , wee 're friends , The greatest Politician may bee Deceiv'd sometimes , wit without braines yee see . Bra.

And braines without wit too .

Fowl .

Franck thou art married , and Sir Nicholas has made a Lady , I ha liv'd loose a great while , and doe purpose to be made fast to this Gentlewoman .

To whose act I owe my true Conversion . When all things have their tryall , you shall find . Nothing is constant but a vertuous mind . Exeunt .
FINIS .

This Play , called THE WITTY FAIRE ONE , as it was Acted on the Stage , may be Printed , this 14. of Ianuary . 1632 .

HENRY HERBERT .
Machine-generated castlist A12157-fowler 126 A12157-worthy 105 A12157-nicholas 102 A12157-aymwell 93 A12157-brains 86 A12157-penelope 83 A12157-tutor 65 A12157-violetta 57 A12157-clare 54 A12157-george 51 A12157-manly 27 A12157-sensible 22 A12157-whibble 22 A12157-xxxx_1 14 A12157-richley 14 A12157-xxxx_2 10 A12157-winifrid 10 A12157-unassigned 4 A12157-servant 4 A12157-multiple 3 A12157-sergeant 2 A12157-messenger 1 A12157-gentleman 1 A12157-boy 1 A12157-missing 1
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O ▪ her twinne Sister , shee deriues the right Of all my wealth to her , Gallants I feare or●chaunted soft boughes before her For griefe to be orechaunted . o●●ice ready coyne Of's owne , yet neuer bought an office for't Ha's plate no question , and Iewels Ieweis o●●ice for't Ha's plate no question , and Iewels too In's old Ladies cabinet , beside Other saytest hayres are Cupids Nets , a Forehead like the fayrest coast of heauen without a cloud , your eybrow ●●ps eyther Eye are arrowes drawne to wound , your lips the Temple or sacred phane of kisses often 〈◊〉 wert a Gentleman , howeuer thy Aristotles of ibi●●● will make thee vncapable of their ibi●●● wert a Gentleman , howeuer thy Aristotles of Ethicks will make thee vncapable of their company ▪ neither , blame your selfe if you be idle , Howsoeuer you shall not be alone , make Fo●●r Exeunt Fowler , and Penelope . h●d I neuer Mou'd it to her , her Vncle hath had no opportunity To acquaint her what's the in'● fruitlesse to moue her Vncle or her Father in't . mo● Pardonne moy it is vnnecessary , all the French fashions risle Lets rifle the other bottle of wine . p●eserue one a those in Rome I may prove so happy to preserue your distressed Capitoll , what newes brings resoluon this kisse , my pen hath but set downe the resolution of my heart to serue you . ▪ come let me rectifie your Faith , serue you . ●ate commendations , for I am resolved to be yours at any rate of my own praise , or what I can purchase wotse An't be no worse I care not , Mr. Fowler A most welcome Friend M● Enter Mr . Manley . ●y You oblige my seruices — but what make you heere my woman ▪ not come with bare relation of your plots , ▪ Exit : Cur●e fast last night , 'Tis so , and happily some Curre or Cat Has beene i'the chamber , for I heare pincasin Chambermaides , begger my selfe with purse and pincase When shee that is the Mistris may be mine b●usht Lippes betray their Virgins weed As they onely blusht for this That they one another kisse , But contenm'd suspition which had beene Needlesse , had shee contemn'd my seruice . So smilingly departed , Thus Es●●lapius condole With thee , by this whay beard of Esculapius , I dare Not endanger my selfe with so much ▪ my selfe vp lost in the imagin'd Tempest , but at point of striking Vpon a rocke , ▪ Arrow , digge my graue i'th earths center , Forgiue me sacred sexe of women that In Butter●es Colledge , I haue had a head in most ath' Butteries of Cambridge , and 't has beene sconc'd fa●●li●e Father and Vncle you will excuse our familiar conuersation ; I vow Ile bee honest till ●i●s secrets , and I will deserue it : two or 3. fits when I am in her presence , will make her fayes If I could see her shee does blush shee ; sayes tis so : oh the insatiable desires of Chamber-maydes ▪ suddaine what a palenesse has Possest his face , doe not his eyes retyre Into their hollow ▪ the best , he was an inconstant young man , frequenting of some companies , had corrupted ▪ truth you had little cause , a wild young man , yet and hee were aliue againe , as that's ●ined How he dyed some doe suppose How he sined the Parish knowes , Whether he's gone to ▪ Enter Sir George , Braines . pedancieall muddy stratagem , cheated by a woman , and a pedanticall lousie Woodmonger , 'tis abhominable ; patience I●le my selfe , which is the way to Surgeans Hall I'le beg to ha my skull cut , I have a suspition supspition Hall I'le beg to ha my skull cut , I have a suspition my braines are filcht , and my head has Sensibl● Sensible ? Came I from Croydon for a Chambermaid