SKelton dyd keepe a Musket at Dys , vpon the which he was complayned ●n to the Bishop of Norwye● . The Byshoppe sent for Skelton . Skelton dyd take two Capo●s : to geue theym for a presente to the Byshop . And as soone as hee had saluted the Byshopp , hee sayde : My Lorde , here I haue brought you a couple of Capons . The Byshop was blynde , and sayde : Who bee you . I am Skelton sayd Skelton . The Byshop sayd : A hoare head , I will none of thy Capons : Thou keepest vnhappye rule in thy house , for the whyche thou shalt be punished .

What , sayde Skelton : Is the winde at that doore ? And sayd : God be with you my Lorde : and Skelton with his Capons went hys way . The Byshop sent after Skelton to come agayne , Skelton sayde . What shal I I come agayne to speake wythe a madde man . At last hee retourned to the Byshop , whyche sayde to hym : I would , sayd the Byshop , that you shoulde not lyue suche a sclaunderouse lyfe , that all your parisshe shoulde not wonder & complaine on you as they dooe , I pray you amende , and here after lyue honestlye , that I heare no more suche woordes of you : And if you wyll tarye dynner , you shall be welcome : and I thanke you sayde the Byshoppe for your Capons . Skelton sayde : My Lord My Capons haue proper Names : The one is named Alpha , the other is named Omega . My Lorde , sayd Skelton : This Capon is named Alpha , thys is the fyrst Capon that I dyd euer geue to you . And this Capon is named Omega , and this is the last capon that euer I w●l giue you & so fare you well , sayd Skelton .

AS Skelton ryd into the countre There was a Frere that hapened in at an ale house wher as Skelton was lodged and there the F●●re dyd desire to haue lodgyng . The 〈◊〉 sayd : syr. I haue but one be●● where as master Skelton doth lye ▪ syr sayd the f●●re . I pray you that I maye lye with you . Skelton said ●●ester Frere . I doo vse to haue no man to lye with me . Sir sayd the frere I haue lyne wyth as good men as you and for my money , I doo looke to haue lodgynge as well as you . Well , sayde Skelton , I dooe see than that you wyll lye with me . Yea syr sayd the Frere . Skelton did fill all the cuppes in the house and whitled the Frere , that at the last , the Frere was in myne cames peason . Then sayde Skelton mayster Freere , get you to bed , and I wyll come to bed within a while , The Frere went and dyd lye vpright ▪ and snorted lyke a sowe . Skelton wente to the chaumber , and dyd see that the Freere did lye soe , sayd to the wyfe : Geue me a washyng be●le . Skelton then caste downe the clothes , and the Freere dyd lye starke naked : then Skelton dyd shite vpon the Freres Nauil and bellye . And then he did take the washyng betle , and dyd strike an harde stroke vppon the Nauill & bellye of the Freere , and dyd put out the candell , and went out of the chaumber : the Freere felt hys bellye , & smelt a foule sauour , had thought hee had ben gored , and cried out and sayde : helpe , helpe , helpe , I am kylled . They of the house with Skelton wente in to the chaumber and asked what the Freere dyd ayle . The Freere sayde : I am kylled , one hathe thrust me in the bellye . Fo , sayde Skelton : thou dronken soule , thou doost lye , thou haste be shytten thy selfe . Fo , sayde Skelton let vs goe oute of the chaumber for the knaue doothe stynke . The Freere was a shamed , and cryed for water . Out with the whoreson , sayd Skelton , and wrap the sheetes togyther , and putte the Freere in the hogge stye , or in the Barne , The Freere said , geue me some water into the Barne , and there the Freere dyd wasshe him selfe , and dydde lye there all the nyght longe ▪ The chaumber and the bedde was dressed , and the sheetes shyfted , and then Skelton went to bed .

WHen Maister Skelton dyd dwell in the countrey , hee was a greede with a Miller to haue hys corne grounde , tolle free and manye tymes when hys mayden shoulde bake , they wanted of their mele , and complained to their Mystres that they could not make their ●●int of breade . Mystres Skelton beeynge verye angrye , to de her husbande of it : Then Master , Skelton sent for his Miller and asked hym howe it chansed that hee deceyued hym of his corne : I saide Iohn miller , nay surely I neuer deceyued you , if that you can proue that by mee do with mee as you lyfte , surely sayd Skelton if I doe fynde thee false anye more , thou shal● he hanged vp by the necke . So Skelton apoynted one of hys seruantes ●o stand at the mill whyle the corne was a grindyng , Iohn myller beyng a notable theese , would fo●n haue deceued him as he had dou before , but beyng afrayd of Skeltons seruaunte , caused his wyfe to put one of her chyldren into the Myll dam : and to crye help help , my childe is drowned , with that Iohn Myller and all went out of the Myll , & Skeltons seruaunte being dilygent to helpe the chylde thought not of the meale , and the while the myllers boye was redy wyth a sacke and stole awaye the corne , so when they had taken vp the childe and all was safe , they came in agayne : & so the seruaunt hauynge hys gry●te , went home mistrustyng nothynge , and when the maydes came to bake againe , as they dyd before so they lacked of theyr meale agayne . Master Skelton colde for hys man ▪ and asked him howe it chaunced that he was deceaued , & hee sayd that hee coulde not tell , for I dyd your commaundement . And then Master Skelton sent for the Myller , and sayde , thou hast not vsed mee well for I want of my mele ▪ why what wold you haue me do sayde the miller , you haue set your own man to watche mee . Well then sayd Skelton , if thou doest not tell me whych waye thou hast played the theefe wyth mee , thou shalt be hanged . I praye you be good master vnto me , & I wyll tell you the trutthe : your seruaunt wold not from my myll , & when I sawe none other remedye I caused my wyfe to put one of my chyldren in to the water , & to crie that it was drowned : and vo●les wee were helpyng of the chylde out , one of my boyes dyd steale your corne . Yea , sayde Skelton : if thou haue suche pretie fetchis , you can dooe more than thys . And therfore , if thou dooeste not one thynge that I shall tell thee . I wyll folow the lawe on thee . What is that ▪ sayd the Myller : If that thou dooest not steale my cuppe of the table , when I am sette at meate , thou shalt not eskape my handes . O good Master , sayd Iohn Miller , I pray you forgeue me , and let me not dooe thys , I am not able to dooe it . Thou shalt neuer be forgeuen , sayde Skelton , withoute thou dooest it . When the Miller saw no remedye , he went & charged one of hys boyes , in an euenyng ( when that Skelton was at supper ) to sette fyre in one of hys bogges ●●ies , farre from any house , for doyng any harme .

And it chaunced , that one of Skeltons seruauntes came oute , and spied the fire , and hee cryede : helpe , helpe : for all that my master hath , is lyke to be burnt . Hys master hearing this , rose from hys supper with all the companie , and went to quenche the fyre . And the while Iohn Miller came in : and stole away hys cuppe , & went hys way . The fire being quickly slaked , Skelton cam in with his frendes , and reasoned wyth hys frendes which way they thought the fyre shoulde come , and euerye man made answer as thei thought good . And as they wer resonyng Skelton called for a cup of beare , and in no wise his cuppe whyche bee vsed to drynke in , woulde not be founde , Skeleon was verye angrie that his cup was mysynge , and asked whiche waye it shoulde bee gone . And no manne coulde tell hym of it . At last he be thought him of the Miller , & sayd surely , he , that theefe hath done this deede , and he is worthye to be hauged . And hee sent for the Miller : so the Miller tolde hym all howe hee had done . Truely sayd Skelton , thou art a not able knaue . And withoute thou canste do me one other seate , thou shalte dye . O good Master , sayde the Miller , you promised to pardon me , and wil you now breake your promise ? I sayd Skelton , wythout thou canste steale the sheetes of my bed , when my wyfe and I am a slepe , ther : shalte ●e hanged that all so●he knaues shall take ensample by thee . Alas , sayd the Miller , whych waye shall I dooe this thinge , it is vnpossible for me to get theym while you bee there . Well , sayde Skelton , with oute thou dooe it , thou knowest the daunger . The Myller went hys way , beyng very heauy , & studyed whiche waye he myght doo thys deede , He hauynge a little boye . Whyche knewe all the corners of Skeltons house , & where hee lay . Upon a night when they were all busie , the boie crepte in vnder his bed , wyth a potte of yeste , and when Skelton & hys wyfe were fast a slepe , hee all to noynted the sheetes with yeste , as farre as hee coulde reac●e . At last Skelton awaked & felt the sheetes all wete , waked his wife and sayd : what , hast thou be shitten the bed ? and she sayd naye , it is you that haue doone it , I thynke , for I am sure it is not I. And so theate fel a great strife betweene Skelton and his wyfe thinkyng that the bedd had ben be shitten , and called for the mayde to geue them a cleane payre of shetes . And so they arose & the mayde tooke the foule sheetes and threw them vnderneath the bed , thinkynge the nexte morning to haue fetched them away . The next time the maydes shuld goe to washynge ▪ they looked all about and coulde not fynde the sheetes ▪ for Iacke the myllers boy had stollen them away : then the Myller was sent for agayne , to knowe where the sheetes were be come : & the Myller tolde mayster Skelton all , how he deuised to steale the sheetes . Howe say ye , sayde Skelton to hys frendes : is not this a notable theef , is he not worthy to be hanged , that canne dooe these deedes . O good Maister , quoth the Miller , nowe for geue mee acc●rdynge to youre , promyse , for I haue done all that you haue commaunded mee , and I trust now you wyll pardon me . Naye , quoth Skelton thou shalt doo yet one other feate , and that shall bee thys : Thou shalte steale maister Person out of hys bed , at midnight , that he shall not know where he is ●e come , The Miller made great mone , and lamented saying : I can not tel in the world howe I shall doo , for I am neuer able to dooe this feate : well ▪ sayde Skelton , thou shalt dooe it or els thou shalt fynde no fauour at my hands ▪ and therfore go thy way , The Miller beyng sorye , deuysed wi●h himselfe which way he might bryng this thing to passe . And .ii. or .iii. nyghtes after , gathered a number of Sna●●es , & greed with the Sereen of the Churche , to haue the key of the Churche dore and went into the Churche betwene the houres of a .xi. and .xii. in the night , & tooke the snayles . And lygh●●d a sorte of little waxe candles ▪ & set vppon euerie s●ayl● one , & the Snayles chepte about the Churche wyth the ●●●e candels vpon their b●ches , and then he went into the 〈◊〉 put a Cope vppon hys 〈◊〉 & stoode very solemnely at the hye A●ter with a booke in hys hand , and after warde called the 〈◊〉 , that the Preest ●●●nge in the Churche yard might heare hym ▪ the priest hearyng the bell toke , starte oute of his sl●pe and looked out of hys windowe and sawe suche a lyght in the Church ▪ was very muche amased , and thought surely that the Churche had ben on fire , and wente for to see what wonder it shoulde b● ▪ And when he came there he founde the Church dore open , and went vp into the quier and see the mi●ler standing in hys vestementes , and a booke in hys hand praying deuoutly , & all the lightes in the Church , thought surely with hym selfe it was some Angell come downe from heauen or some other great miracle , blessed hym selfe and sayde : In the name of the father the sonne and the holy ghoste : What arte thou that standest here in thys hollye place , O sayde the Myller : I am saynt Peter , whych kepte the Keyes of heauen gate , and thou knowest that none can enter into heauen excepte I let hym in , and I am sent oute from heauen for thee . For mee , quoth the Preest : Good saynt Peter , worship maye thou be , ) I am glad to heare that newes , ) Because thou hast done good deedes layd the myller , and serued God ▪ ●ee hath sent for thee afore domes day come , that thou shalt not knowe the troubles of the worlde . O ▪ blessed be God , sayde the Preest : I am very well contented for to goe : yet if it woulde please God to let me go home and distrybute such things as I haue to the poore , I woulde bee verye glad ? No sayde the Miller if thou dooest delite more in thy goodes , then in the Ioyes of heauen , thou art not for God , therefore preyare thy selfe , and goe into this bagge which I haue brought for thee . The miller hauyng a great quarter sacke , the poore Priest wente into it , thynkyng verylye hee had gon to heauen , yet was very sory to parte from hys goodes : Asked saynt Peter how long it wold be ere he came there : the miller sayd he should be there quickly , and in he got the Priest and tied vp the sack● , and put out the lightes , & layed euery thynge in their place , and tooke the preest on his backe & locked the church dores & to go , and when he came to go ouer the church stile , the Preest was verye heauye , and the Miller ●as●e hym ouer the stile that the priest ●●yed of . O good s●int Peter sayde the Preeste , whyther goe I nowe , O sayde the Myller : These bee the panges that ye must adyde before y●n come to heauen . O ●●eth the Preest , I would I were there once . Up he got the Priest agayn & caried hym tyll hee c●me to the toppe of an hye hyll , a 〈◊〉 from hys house , and caste hym downe the hyll that hys head had many shrewde rappes , that hys necke was almost b●●st : O good saynt Peter said the Priest : where am I nowe : you are almost nowe at heauen , & caried hym with much a doo , tyll hee came to hys owne house , and then the miller threwe him ouer the thresholde . O good saynte Peter , sayde the Preeste : Where am I nowe , thys is the sore●●e pange that euer I vy●de . O sayd that Myller : geue GOD thankes that thou haste had pacience to a bide all thys payne , for nowe thou art● goyng vppe into heauen , and tyed a rope a boute the sacke , and drewe hym vppe to the toppe of the Chymnye , and there let him hange . O good S. Peter , tell me nowe where I am sayde the Preest . Marye sayd he , thou art now in the tope of Iohn Millers chimney . A vengeaunce on thee knaue : sayde the Preeste : hast thou made me beleue al this while that I was goyng vp into heauen ? Well , nowe I am here , & euer I come downe again ▪ I wil make thee to repent it : But Iohn Myller was gladd that hee had brought hym there . And in the mornyng , the Sexten rang all in to seruise , & when the people were come to Churche , the Preest was lackynge , the parish asked the sexten wher the Preest was , and the sexten sayd , I can not tell . Then the parrishe sent to master Skelton , and tolde howe their Prieste was lacking to saye them seruice . Mayster Skelton meruayled at that , and bethought hym of the ●rafty dooyng of the Miller , sent for Iohn Myller : and when the Miller was come . Skelton sayd : to the miller : canst thou tell wher the parish Preest is ▪ The Myller vp and told him all togither how he had doone . Maister Skelton considering the matter , sayde to the Miller : why thou vnreuerent knaue , hast thou hanled the poore Preest on this fashion , and putte on the holy ornaments vpon a knaues backe : thou shalte be hanged & it coste me all the good I haue . Iohn miller fell vppon his knees and desyred Maister Skelton to pardon hym , for I dyd nothynge sayd the miller , but that you sayd you woulde forgeue me . Nay not so , sayd Skelton . But if thou canst steale my gelding out of my stable my two men watching him . I will pardon thee , and if they take thee they shall strike of thy heade : For Skelton thoughte it better that such a false knaue shoulde lose hys head , them to liue . Then Iohn miller was very sad , & bethought him how to bring it to passe . Then he remembred that ther was a man left hangyng vppon the galowes , the day before , went preuely in the nyght and tooke him downe , and cut of his head , and put it vpon a pole & brake a hole into the stable and put in a candle lighted : thrustyng in the head , a lytle & a lytle . The men watching the stable seynge that , got them selues neare to the hole ( thinkinge that it was his head , & one of them with hys sworde cutte if of . Then they for gladnesse presented it vnto theyr master , leauynge the stable doore open : then Iohn Miller went in and stole away the ge●ding . Master Skelton lookyng vppon the head , sawe it was the theues head that was left hangyng vpon the galawes ▪ sayd : alas now ofte hath this false knaue deceiued vs Go quickly to the stable agayne , for I think● my geldyng is gone . Hys men goyng backe agayn found it euen so . Then they came agayn shewe your grace . Say on thou hore ●ead , sayd the Cardynall to Skelton . I pray your grace to let me lye doune and wallow , for I can kneele no longer .