Tarltons iest of a red face .

TO an Ordinary in White Fryers , where Gentlemen vsed , by reason of extraordinary diet , to this Tarlton often frequented , as well to continue acquaintance as to please his appetite . It chanced ●o vpon a time ( especially ) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants , they enquired of him , why melancholy had got the vpper hand of his mirth ; to which he said little , but with a squint eye ( as custome had made him hare eyed ) hée looked for a Iest to make them merry . At last hée espied one that sate on his left side , which had a very red face , he being a very great Gentleman , ( which was all one to Tarlton ) hée presently in great haste called his Host : Who doe I serue ( my Host ) quoth Tarlton ; The Quéenes Maiestie , replied the Good man of the house . How happens it then , quoth Tarlton , that ( to her Maiesties disgrace ) you dare make me a companion with Seruingmen , clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sléeue , looking at the Gentleman with the red face ; mée thinkes , quoth he , it fits like the Saracens head without Newgate . The Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt like Erna for anger . The rest laughed heartily . In the end ( all enraged ) the Gentleman swore to fight with him at next méeting .

A sudden and dangerous fray , twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton , which he put off with a iest .

AS Tarlton and others passed along Fléet-stréet , he espied a spruse yong Gallant , black of complexion , with long haire hanging downe ouer his eares , and his beard of the Italian cut , in white Sattin , very quaintly cut , and his body so stiffely starcht , that he could not bend himselfe any way for no gold . Tarlton , séeing such a wonder comming , trips before him , and méeting this Gallant , tooke the wall of him , knowing that one so proud , at least looked for the prerogatiue . The Gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall , or so much indignifie him , turnes himselfe , and presently drew his Rapier . Tarlton , drew likewise . The Gentleman fell to it roundly : but Tarlton ( in his owne defence ) compassing and trauersing his ground , gaped with a wide mouth , whereat the people laughed : the Gentleman pausing , enquired why he gaped so , O Sir , saies he , in hope to swallow you ; for by my troth you séeme to me like a Prune in a messe of white Broth. At this the people parted them . The Gentleman noting his mad humour , went his way wel contented : for he knew not how to amend it .

Tarltons Iest of a Pippin .

AT the Bull in Bishops-gate-street , where the Quéenes Players oftentimes played , Tarlton comming on the Stage , one from the Gallery threw a Pippin at him . Tarlton tooke vp the Pip , and looking on it , made this sudden iest .

Pip in , or nose in , chuse you whether , Put yours in , ere I put in the other . Pippin you haue put in : then , for my grace , Would I might put your nose in another place .

A iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face .

TArlton hauing flouted the fellow for his pippin which hée threw , hée thought to beméet with Tarlton at length . So in the Play Tarltons part was to trauell , who knéeling down to aske his father blessing , the fellow threw an Apple at him , which hit him on the chéek . Tarlton taking vp the Apple , made this iest .

Gentleman , this fellow , with this face of Mapple , Instead of a pipin , hath throwne me an Apple , But as for an Apple , he hath cast a Crab , So in stead of an honest woman , God hath sent him a drab .

The people laughed heartily , for he had a Queane to his wife .

How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out .

IT chanced that in the midst of a Play , after long expectation for Tarlton : being much desired of the people , at length hée came forth : where ( at his entrance ) one in the Gallerie pointed his finger at him , saying to a friend that had neuer séene him , that is he . Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion giuen him , and séeing the man point with the finger , he in loue againe held vp two fingers : the captious fellow , iealous of his wife , ( for he was married ) and because a Player did it , took the matter more hainously , & asked him why he made hornes at him ; No ( quoth Tarlton they be fingers : For there is no man , Which in loue to me , Lends me one finger , but he shall have three . No , no , sayes the fellow , you gaue me the hornes . True ( sayes Tarlton ) for my fingers are tipt with nailes , which are like hornes , and I must make a shew of that which you are sure of . This matter grew so , that the more he meddled , the more it was for his disgrace : wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart , both hée and his hornes , lest his cause grew desperate . So the poore fellow , plucking his hat ouer his eyes , went his wayes .

How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarltons apparell .

IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy , two Musicians in London , vsed often with their boyes to visit Tarlton , when he dwelt in Gracious-street at the signe of the Saba , a Tauerne , he being one of their best friends or benefactors , by reason of old acquaintance : to requite which , they came one Summers morning to play him The Hunt's vp , with such Musicke as they had . Tarlton , to requite them , would open his chamber doore , and for their paines would giue them Muskadine : which a Cony-catcher noting , and séeing Tarlton came forth in his shirt and night-gowne to drinke with these Musicians , the while this nimble fellow stept in , and tooke Tarltons apparell , which euery day he wore , thinking that if he were espied to turne it to a iest : but it past for currant , and he goes his wayes . Not long after Tarlton returned to his chamber , & looked for his cloaths : but they were safe enough from him . The next day this was noised abroad , and one in mockage threw him in this theame , he playing then at the Curtaine : Tarlton , I will tell thee a iest , Which after turned to earnest : One there was , as I heard say , Who in his shirt heard Musicke play , While all his clothes were stolne away .

Tarlton smiling at this , answered on the sudden thus , That 's certaine , Sir , it is no lie That same one in truth was I , When that the theefe shall Pine and lacke , Then shall I haue cloathes to my backe : And I , together with my fellowes , May see them ride to Tiborne Gallowes .

Of Tarlton and a beggar .

TThere was a poore begger but a conceited fellow , who séeing Tarlton at his doore , asked somthing of him for Gods cause . Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket , gaue him two pence in stead of a penny : at which Tarlton made this Ryme ; Of all the Beggers most happy thou art , For to thee mine hand is better then my heart .

Quoth the Begger .

True it is , Master , as it chanceth now : The better for me , and the worse for you .

How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physicke .

TArlton , to satisfie the humours of certaine Gentlemen his familiar acquaintance , went about for to try the skil of a simple Doctor of Physick , that dwelt not far from Islington , and thus it was : he tooke a faire Urinal , and filled it halfe full of good Wine , and bore it to this Doctor , saying it was a sick mans water : he viewed it , and tossing it vp and downe , as though he had great knowledge : quoth he , the Patient whose water it is , is full of grosse humors , and hath néede of purging , and to be let some ten ounces of bloud . No , you Dunce , replyed Tarlton , it is good pisse , and with that drunke it off , and threw the Urinall at his head .

How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow .

TArlton passing through London , by chance he heard a simple Country fellow in an Ale-house , calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale , stept in to him , and threatned to accuse him of treason , saying Sirra , I haue séene and tasted of a penny pot of Ale , and haue found good of the price , but of a Kingstone coyne I neuer heard : therefore it is some counterfet , and I must know how thou camest by it : hereupon , the country fellow was driuen into such a maze , that out of doores he got , and tooke him to his héeles , as though wilde-fire had followed him .

How Tarlton was deceiued by his Wife in London .

TArlton , being merrily disposed as his Wife and he sate together , he said vnto her , Kate , answer me to one question , without a lye , and take this crown of gold : which shée took on condition , that if she lost , to restore it back again . Quoth Tarlton , am I a Cuckold or no , Kate ; Whereat shée answered not a word , but stood silent , notwithstanding he vrged her many waies . Tarlton séeing she would not speak , askt his gold againe . Why , quoth shée , haue I made any lye ; no , sayes Tarlton : why then good man foole , I haue won the wager . Tarlton mad with anger , made this Rime .

As women in speech can reuile a man ; So can they in silence beguile a man .

One askt Tarlton what country man the Diuell was .

IN Carter Lane dwelt a merry Cobler , who being in company with Tarlton , askt him what Country-man the Diuell was ; quoth Tarlton , a Spaniard : for Spaniards like the Diuel , trouble the whole world .

A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton .

IN time of scarsity , a simple Chéese-monger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit came vnto him and asked him , why he thought Chéese and Butter to be so ●●●re ; Tarlton answered , Because Wood and Coales are so ●●●re , for Butter and Chéese a man may eate without a fire .

Tarltons answere to a rich Londoner .

TArlton méeting a rich Londoner , fell into talke about the Bishop of Peterborough , highly praising his bountie to his seruants , his liberality to strangers , his great hospitality and charity to the poore . He doth well , sayes the rich man , for what he hath , he hath but during his life . Why ( quoth Tarlton ) for how many liues haue you your goods ?

How Tarlton gaue away his dinner .

AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner , his wife being displeased with him , and thinking to crosse him , she gaue away halfe his meat vnto a poore Begger , saying , Take this for my other husbands sake . Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left , and likewise bade the poore fellow to pray for his other wiues soule .

Tarltons answere to a boy in a Rime .

THere was a crackrope Boy , méeting Tarlton in London stréet , sung this Rime vnto Tarlton : Woe worth thee Tarlton , That euer thou wast borne : Thy Wife hath made thee Cuckold , And thou must weare the horne .

Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie .

What and if I be ( Boy ) I me ne're the worse : She keepes me like a Gentleman , With mony in my purse .

How Tarlton bad himselfe to dinner to my Lord Maiors .

A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine : & thought he , in all that a man does , let him aime at the fairest : for sure if I bid my selfe any where this day , it shall be to my Lords Maiors : and vpon this goes to the Counter , and entered his action against my Lord Maior , who was presently told of it , and sends for him . Tarlton waits dinner time , and then comes , who was admitted presently . Master Tarlton ( saies my Lord Maior ) haue you entered an action against me in the Poultry Counter ? My Lord ( saies Tarlton ) haue you entred an action against mée in Woodstréet Counter ? Not I in troth , saies my Lord . No ( saies Tarlton ) he was a villaine that told me so then : but if it bée not so , forgiue me this fault , my Lord , and I will neuer offend in the next . But in the end he begins to sweare , how he will be reuenged on him that mockt him , and flings out in a rage . But my Lord said , Stay , M. Tarlton , dine with me , and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded . I will try that , my Lord , saies Tarlton , and if it alter mine anger , both mine enemy and I will thanke you together for this courtesie .

Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare .

ONe that fell out with his friend , méetes him in the stréet , and calling him into a corner , gaue him a box on the eare , and feld him , getting him gone , and neuer told wherefore he did so : which Tarlton beholding , raised vp the fellow , and asked him the reason of their sudden falling out . Can you tell , Sir , said the fellow ? for by my troth as yet I cannot . Well said Tarlton , the more foole you : for had I such féeling of the cause , my wit would remember the iniurie : but many men are goslings ; the more they féele , the lesse they conceiue .

Tarltons Iest to two Tailors .

TArlton méeting two Tailors ( friends of his ) in the euening in mirth cries , Who goes there , A man , answered a Tailor : How many is there ? one ? Yea , said Tarlton : two , said the other Tailor : then you say true , said Tarlton : for two Tailors goe to a man . But before they parted , they foxt Tarlton at the Castle in Pater noster Row , that Tarlton confest them two Tailors to be honest men . So what they spent in the purse , they got in the person , Comming but one , by Tarltons account , they returned , two . But Tarlton comming one , returned lesse by his wit ▪ for that was shrunk in the wetting .

How Tarlton iested at his wife .

TArlton and his wife kéeping an Ordinary in Pater-noster Row , were bidden out to Supper : and because he was a man noted , shée would not goe with him in the stréet , but intreats him to kéepe one side , and she another : which he consented to . But as he went , hée would cry out to her , and say , Turne that way , wife : and anon , On this side , wife . So the people flockt the more to laugh at them . But his wife ( more than mad angry ) goes back againe , and almost forswore his company .

How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward .

WHen Tarlton dwelt in Gracious street , at a Tauern at the signe of the Saba , he was chosen Scauenger , and often the Ward complained of his slacknesse , in kéeping the stréets cleane . So on a time when the Cart came , he asked the Raker why he did his businesse so slackly ? Sir ( said he ) my fore-horse was in the fault , who being let bloud and drencht yesterday , I durst not labour him . Sir ( said Tarlton ) your horse shall smart for it : and so leads him to the Counter : which the Raker laught at , and ( without his horse ) did his worke with the rest , thinking Tarltons humour was but to iest , and would returne him his horse againe anon . But when that anon came , hée was faine to pay all his fées of the Prison , as directly as if hee himselfe had béene there . For if Tarlton had committed the Master , the businesse had not gone forward : therefore the horse was in prison for the Master .

How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him .

TArlton kéeping a Tauerne in Gracious-street , hee let it to another , who was indebted to Armins Master , a Goldsmith in Lombard-street , yet he himselfe had a chamber in the same house . And this Armin ( being then a wag ) came often thither to demand his Masters money , which he sometimes had , and sometimes had not . In the end the man growing poore , told the boy hée had no money for his Master , and hée must beare with him . The mans name being Charles Armin , made this Uerse , writing it with Chalke on a Waine-scot . O world , why wilt thou lye ? Is this Charles the great ? that I deny . Indeed Charles the great before : But now Charles the lesse , being poore . Tarlton comming into the roome , reading it , and partly acquainted with the boyes humour , comming often thither for his Masters money , tooke a péece of Chalk , and wrote this Ryme by it : A wagge thou art , none can preuent thee ; And thy desert shall content thee , Let me diuine : As I am , so in time thou 'lt be the same , My adopted sonne therefore be , To enioy my Clownes sute after me .

And sée how it fell out . The boy reading this , so loued Tarlton after , that regarding him with more respect , hée vsed to his Playes , and fell in a league with his humour : and priuate practice brought him to present playing , and at this houre performes the same , where , at the Globe on the Banks side men may sée him .

Tarltons greeting with Banks his Horse .

THere was one Banks ( in the time of Tarlton ) who serued the Earle of Essex and had a Horse of strange qualities : and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious-street , getting mony with him , as he was mightily resorted to ; Tarlton then ( with his fellowes ) playing at the Bell by , came into the Crosse-keyes ( amongst many people ( to sée fashions : which Banks perceiuing ( to make the people laugh ) saies Signior ( to his horse ) Go fetch me the veryest foole in the company . The Iade comes immediately , and with his mouth drawes Tarlton forth . Tarlton ( with merry words ) said nothing but God a mercy Horse . In the end Tarlton séeing the people laugh so , was angry inwardly , & said , Sir , had I power of your horse , as you haue , I would doe more than that . What ere it be , said Banks ( to please him ) I will charge him to do it . Then ( saies Tarlton ) charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company . He shall ( saies Bankes , ) Signior ( saies he ) bring Master Tarlton here the veriest whore-master in the company . The Horse leades his Master to him . Then god a mercy horse indeed , saies Tarlton . The people had much ado to kéep peace ; but Bankes and Tarlton had like to haue squar'd and the horse by to giue aime . But euer after it was a by-word thorow London , God a mercy Horse , and is to this day .

An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken .

AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a Play of Henry the fift , wherein the Iudge was to take a box on the eare , and because he was absent that should take the blow , Tarlton himselfe ( euer forward to please ) tooke vpon him to play the same Iudge , besides his owne part of the Clowne : and Knel then playing Henry the fift , hit Tarlton a sound boxe indeed , which made the people laugh the more because it was he : but anon the Iudge goes in , and immediately Tarlton ( in his Clownes cloathes ) comes out , and askes the Actors what newes ; O ( saith one ) hadst thou béen here , thou shouldest haue séene Prince Henry hit the Iudge a terrible box on the eare . What man , said Tarlton strike a Iudge ? It is true yfaith , said the other , No other like , said Tarlton , and it could not be but terrible to the Iudge , when the report so terrifies me , that me thinkes the blow remaines still on my chéeke , that it burnes againe , The people laught at this mightily : and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare , but no maruell , for he had many of these : But I would sée our Clowns in these dayes doe the like : no I warrant ye , and yet they thinke well of themselues too .

Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street .

A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the stréet , and said , Master Tarlton , who liues longest ? Mary Boy , saies Tarlton , he that dies latest : and why dye men so fast , said the Boy ? Because they want breath , said Tarlton : no , rather said the Boy , because their time is come : them thy time is come , said Tarlton , sée who comes yonder : Who ? said the Boy ? Mary , said Tarlton , Bull the Hangman : or one that would willingly be thy hangman : Nay , hang me them , if I imploy him at this time , said the Boy . Well , said Tarlton , then thou wilt be hanged by thy owne confession : and so they parted .

A Iest of Tarlton , prouing Mustard to haue wit .

TArlton kéeping an Ordinary in Paternoster row and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry , would approue Mustard ( standing before them ) to haue wit : how so saies one ? It is like a witty scold , méeting another scold , knowing that scold will scold , begins to scold first : so saies he , the Mustard being lickt vp , and knowing that you will bite it , begins to bite you first . I le try that , saies a Gull by , and the Mustard so tickled him , that his eyes watered . How now , saies Tarlton , does my iest sauour ? I saies the Gull , and bite too : if you had had better wit , saies Tarlton , you would haue bit first : so then conclude with me , that dumbe vnféeling . Mustard hath more wit than a talking vnféeling foole , as you are . Some were pleased , and some were not , but all Tarltons care was taken ( for his resolution was euer ) before he talkt any Iest.

How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it .

TArlton ( as other Gentlemen vsed ) at the first comming vp of Tobacco , did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise , and being in a roome , set betwéen two men ouercome with Wine , and they neuer séeing the like , wondred at it ; and séeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose cryed out , Fire , fire , and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face , Make no more stirre , quoth Tarlton , the fire is quenched : if the Sheriffes come , it will turne to a fine , as the custome is . And drinking that againe , Fie , sayes the other , what a stinke it makes ? I am almost poysoned . If it offend , saies Tarlton , let 's euery one take a little of the smell , and so the sauour will quickly goe : but Tobacco whiffes made them leaue him to pay all .

Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Wood-cock .

IN the City of Glocester , M. Bird of the Chappell met with Tarlton , who ioyfull to regréet other , went to visit his friends : amongst the rest , M. Bird of the Quéenes Chappell , visited M. Wood-cock of the Colledge , where méeting , many friendly spéeches past , amongst which , M. Wood-cock challenged M. Bird of Kin : who mused that hee was of his affinity , and hee neuer knew it . Yes sayes M. Wood-cock , euery Wood-cock is a Bird , therefore it must needs be so . Lord Sir , sayes Tarlton , you are wide , for though euery Wood-cock be a Bird , yet euery Bird is not a Wood-cock . So Master Wood-cock like a Wood-cock bit his lip , and mumbudget was silent .

Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron .

WHile the Quéenes Players lay in Worcester City to get money , it was his custome for to sing extempore of Theames giuen him : amongst which they were appointed to play the next day : now one fellow of the City amongst the rest , that séemed quaint of conceit , to lead other youths with his fine wit , gaue out , that the next day hee would giue him a Theam , to put him to a non plus : diuers of his friends acquainted with the same , expected some rare conceit . Well , the next day came , and my Gallant gaue him his inuention in two lines , which was this : Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit , To see a Gridiron turne the Spit . The people laughed at this , thinking his wit knew no answere thereunto , which angred Tarlton excéedingly , and presently with a smile looking about , when they expected wonders , he put it off thus . Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit : To see an Asse haue any wit .

The people hooted for ioy , to sée the Theame-giuer dasht , who like a dog with his taile betwéene his legs , left the place : But such commendations Tarlton got , that hée sapt with the Bailiffe that night , where my Theamer durst not come , although he were sent for , so much he vexed at that vnlookt for answer .

Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose .

I Remember I was once at a play in the Country , where as Tarltons vse was , the play being done , euery one so pleased to throw vp his Theame : amongst all the rest , one was read to this effect , word by word : Tarlton , I am one of thy friends , and none of thy foes . Then I prethee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose : Had I beene present at that time on those banks , I would haue laid my short sword ouer his long shankes

Tarlton , mad at this question , as it was his property , sooner to take such a matter ill then well , very suddenly returned him this answere : Friend or foe , if thou wilt needs know , marke me well , With parting dogs & bears , then by the ears , this chance fell : But what of that ? though my nose be flat , my credit to saue , Yet very well , I can by the smell , scent an honest man from a Knave .

Tarltons Iest of a Bristow man .

WHen the Quéenes Players were restrained in Summer , they trauelled downe to S. Iames his Faire , at Bristow , where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners , and those Citizens : It hapned that a wealthy Citizen , called M. Sunbanke , one morning secretly married his maid ; but not so secret , but it was blowne abroad ▪ That morning Tarlton and others walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London , & béeing in company of Bristow men , they did sée M. Sunbanke comming , who had his property with his necke , not to stirre it any way but to turne body and all . It chanced at the Faire end , hée stood to pisse against a wall : to whome Tarlton came , and clapping him on the shoulder , God giue you joy of your marriage , saies he , M. Sunbanke , being taken pissing against the wall would haue looked back to thank him , and suddenly turnes about body and all in the view of many , and shewed all : which so abasht him that ( ashamed ) hée tooke into a Tauerne , protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound . Sure ( said the Uintner ) the fault is in your necke , which will not turn without the bodies assistance , and not in M. Tarlton . Call you him M. Tarlton , saies M. Sunbanke ? Yea , Sir , sayes the Uintner , he is the Quéenes Iester . He may be whose Iester hée will bée , but this iest agrées not with me at this time , saies M. Sunbanke .