The womens sharpe Revenge : OR , An Answer to Sir Seldome Sober , that writ those scandelous Pamphlets , called the Iuniper and Crab-tree Lectures .

AS from several causes proceed sundry effects , The Introduction ▪ so from several actions arise sundry honours with the addition of Names and Titles annexed unto them : neither need wee stand to prove that by argument , which wee finde by dayly experience . As for example , some are raised for their wealth , others for their worth ; some by the Law , others by their learning : Some by Martiall Discipline ; and ( by your favour too ) others for malicious detraction , as thinking to rise by others ruines , and by supplanting others , to support themselves . In which number wee must ranke you Master Satyrist , the passionate Author of those most pittiful pamphlets called the Juniper Lectures , and Crab-tree Lectures ; who by your meere Knavery , ambitious to purchase Knight-hood , & to adde a sir-reverence to your name , A Title Which we women bestow upon our Godson , the Author of those Lectures . are now arrived to the height of your Aime , and from plaine Seldome Sober , are now come to the Title of Sir Seldome Sober , who wee terme so , for he is ashamed to set his name to bookes ; a Name fitting his Nature , and well complying with his condition .

And as there have beene formerly , by your meanes , Sir Seldome Sober , many railing , bitter , invective Pasquills , and Scurrilous Libels , some written , some printed , and all disperst and scattered abroad , all of them made and forg'd on purpose to callumniate , revile , despight , jeere , and flout women : and now lately one or two of the sonnes of Ignorance have pen'd three severall , The Juniper Crab-tree , and Worme-wood Lectures . sweet , filthy , fine ill-favoured Pamphlets , which are Printed , and ( out of the most deepe shallownesse of the Authors aboundant want of Wisedome ) they are called Lectures , And a new Lecture called the Bolster Lecture . as the Juniper Lecture , the Crab-tree Lecture , & the Worm-wood Lecture , wherein they have laid most false aspersions upon all women generally : some they have taxed with incontinency , some with uncivility , some with scolding , some with drinking , some with backbiting and slandering their neighbours , some with a continual delight in lying , some with an extraordinary desire of perpetuall gossipping : in a word , we are each of us accused and blazed to bee addicted and and frequently delighted with one grievous enormity or other , wherein , although it be true , that we are all the daughters of Eve in frailty , yet they might have remembred that they likewise are all the sons of Adam , in failing , falling , & offending . We are not so partial in the defence of all Womens vertues , that we thereby doe hold none to be vicious . Some are incontinent by Nature ( or inheritance ) from their Mothers ; some through extreame want and poverty have beene forced to make more bold with that which is their owne , then to begge , steale , or borrow from others : Some ( by the harsh usage of their too unkinde husbands ) have beene driven to their shifts hardly ; some having had the hard fortune to match with such Coxecombes , as were jealous without a cause , have by their suspitious , dogged , and crabbed dealing towards their wives , given too often , and too much cause to make their jealousie true . And whereas a Womans reputation is so poore , that if it be but so much as suspected , it will belong before the suspition will be cleared : but if it be once blemished or tainted , the staines and spots are of such a tincture , that the dye of the blemishes will sticke to her all her life time , and to her Children after her . But for the man hee takes or assumes to himselfe such a loose liberty , or liberty of licentious loosenesse , that though he be ( as they call it ) a Common Towne . Bull , or a runner at sheepe though hee passe the censures of spirituall courses , or high Commissions , yet ( by custome ) his disgrace will be quickly worne out , and say it was but a tricke of youth : Nay rather a whoremunger . for the shame or scandall of a whore-master is like a nine dayes wonder , or a Record written in sand , or like a suit of Tiffany , or Cobweb Lawne , soone worne out : but the faults of a weake Woman , are a continuall alarum against her , they are ingraven in brasse , and like a suit of Buffe , it may be turn'd , and scour'd and scrapt , and made a little cleanly , but it lasts the whole life time of the wearer . But to come to the worke in hand , as you you have a Title bestowed upon you by your backe friends , and we thinke deservedly .

So wee have knowne some , who have arrived to that Worshipfull Title through favour also , rather than desert , and more by voyces than their vertues , meerely by the mad sufrage of the many headed monster Multitude , which consisteth of Man : yet upon better advice , and more Mature Consideration , when their merits and misdemeanours have been more narrowly sifted , and looked into ( being well compared together ) they have not onely beene disgrac'd , but degraded : so that now that worshipfull worke for which you have beene so much magnified by the Masculines , being now called into question by a Feminine Jury of women . The first opinion of the Iury of women . It is thought after a true and just examination thereof to bee meerely villified , and that it is nothing but a meere scandalous report , and therefore most justly condemned by the unanimous assent of all our Sexe ; before whom , your Bartholmew Faire Booke , and most lying Lectures , hath not onely beene convented , but arraigned , lawfully convicted , and most justly condemned .

Now because no equall and indifferent censure shall any way justly except at the Iury that went upon the cause : they were these . Twelve good women and true which will give you in order .

The 12 women which are chosen for the Iury . The fore-woman , who had the first and prime voyce , who gave up the Verdict , was Sisley set him out , Sarah set on his skirts , Kate call him to account , Tomasin Tickle him , Prudence pinch him , Franke firk him , Besse bind him , Christian Commit him , Parnel punish him , Mall make him yeeld , Beterish banish him , Hellen Hang him .

Now if this be not a competent Iury , not to bee excepted at , and a legall Triall , no way to be revoked , we appeale unto you men , our greatest adversaries , and most violent abaters of our injuries .

And yet further to make the cause more plaine and evident of our sides , wee thought it good in our better consideration , not onely to publish unto the world , the calumnies and slanders asperst upon us : But our just Articles objected against him , and by comparing them together , to distinguish so betwixt them , that the truth may grow apparent .

Their opinion of what profession the Author was . But first touching the person who put these foule and and calumnious aspersions upon us : If hee were a Tailer , most sure he was a womans Tailer , or ( if so ) no good Artist , because not being able to take the measure of a womans body , much lesse was he powerfull to make a true dimension of her minde , ( and therein you are gone Master Tayler ) nay , what Artist soever you were , ( for in one I include all ) most of you have Wives and Children , and love them , and are indulgent over them , and wherefore then doe you incourage such invectives against us ? If you beeing of your selves lewd , we be loving : wee well tutord , you untoward : we familiar you froward : we doating , and you dogged : and what wee get by spinning in the day , you spend in the night , and come reeling from the Taverne or the Alehouse : Is the fault ours ? or are wee worthy any to bee blamed for this ?

First they find him no schollar . Next in our Curious Inquisition and search , we finde him moreover to be no Schollar at all , as neither understanding us in our Gender , Number , nor Case , &c.

They prove him to be none Not in one Gender , for in all the Creatures that were ever made , there is a mutuall love , and an alternate affection betwixt the Male and the Female : for otherwise there would be no Generation at all . But this most approved consociety ▪ by all his industry and endeavour hee striveth to annihilate , and disanull , forgetting that even hee himselfe by the same Unity and Unanimity , had his first originall and being .

Then he faileth in Number , Wherein his failing is . by making all of us in generall , not onely to bee wayward , but wicked , tedious , but troublesome , lazy , but loathsome , with many of the like enormities : and indeed we know not what his inveterate malice or madnes would stretch unto : when , if perchance there may bee found a singular Number of such delinquents , yet there may bee a plurall , ( and that stretcheth beyond all limit and account ) who never transgrest ; or fell into those grosse errours , of which he so Satyrically accuseth our Sexe .

He is quite out in all the Cases But in our Cases hee is most horrible out , and directly opposeth all the Rules of Grammer . For instance .

First , in the Nomnative . In the Nomnative , by calling us out of our Names , and in the stead of Maidenly Modest , Matron-like , &c. to brand us with the Characters of scoulds , vixens , praters , pratlers , and all the abusive Epithites that spleene or malice can invent , or devise .

In the Genetive , Second , in the Genetive . by making us to be loose , lascivious , wanton , wilfull , inconstant , incontinent , and the Mothers of mis-begotten Children , by which hee unadvisedly bringeth himselfe within the doubtfull suspition of spuriousnesse and Bastardy .

In the Dative , Third , in the Dative by giving and conferring upon our geneneral Sex , such strange and almost unheard of aspertions : which as we have little desir'd , so we never deserv'd , forgetting that he includeth his Mother , Sisters , & Nieces , Daughters ; nay , his own bosome wife , ( if hee have any in the same Catalogue . )

Fourth , in the Accusative . In the Accusative , by false calumnies , and injust Accusation contrary to all Schollar-ship : as ignorant , that Foemineo generi tribuuntur — Propria quae maribus .

Fifth , in the Vocative . In the Vocative , because it is like to the nomnative .

Sixt , in the Ablative . In the Ablative , because he striveth to take away our credits , reputations , Fame , good Name , &c. All which argue , and approve , that hee was in a bad Moode , and worse Tence at the Writing of those malicious Lectures .

A Poet sure hee could not be : He is no Poet . for not one of them but with all his industry strived to celebrate the praises of some Mistris or other : as for example , Amongst the Greekes , Arisophanes , Meander , &c. Amongst the Romans , Catullus his Lesbir , Gallus his Licoris , and Ovid his Corina . Amongst the Spaniards , George de Monte major his Diana ; and Aulius March his Tyresa . Amongst the Italians , Petroch his Laura , &c. And of our owne Nation , Learned Master Spencer his Rosalinde , and Sam. Daniel his Delia , &c.

They make the case plain . Now to make the case more plaine and evident of our sides , wee have thought it good to publish unto the World those matters of which hee was arraigned , and now justly convicted . The first was scoffing and taunting at our Sexe in generall : now who knowes not , but that Quips and Scoffes are nothing else but the depraving of the Actions of others , the overflowing of wits , and the superfluous scummes of conceite , and for the most partt , asking others of those errours of which themselves stand most guilty ; and hee that playeth the scoffing foole best , though it may bee in him a signe of some wit , yet it is an argument of no wisedome at all . Adders keep their venome in their Tayles , but the poyson of a Buffoone lyeth in his tongue , and faults wilfully committed by mocking cannot be satisfied , or recompensed by repentance . But better it is for a man to be borrne to bee borne foolish , Better for a man to be borne foolish , then to imploy his wits unwisely . than to imploy his wit unwisely ; for mockery is nothing else , but an Artificiall injury , and wee finde by proofe , that there be more mockers , than well meaners ; and more that delight in foolish prating , then that practice themselves in wholesome precepts ; we must confesse that to jest is tollerable , but to doe harme by jesting , is insufferable ; for it is too late to prevent ill , after ill committed , or to amend wrong after injury received . Many things that are sweete in the Mouth , may prove bitter in the stomacke and scoffes pleasant to the eare , may be harsh to the better understanding . But whosoever shal undertake in his curiosity of Wit , to deride an innocent , either with flattery or foolery , shall but delude himselfe in his owne insufficiency and folly : for as the fairest Beauty may prove faulty , so even the wittiest scoffe may prove ridiculous : And nothstanding all those Fooles bolts , so fondly aimed , and so suddenly shot , we have this Sentence from one of the Wise men , to comfort us , that losse which is sustained with modesty , is much better than the gaine purchased by impudence . Nay , to bee accounted a Princes Jester , is to be esteemed no better than a meere mercinary Foole . And this Railer being in a lower ranke , as having dependance upon none but his owne defamatory Pen , what Epithite had enough may we devise to conferre upon him ; but we remember thus much , since wee first read our Accidence .

Quae vult , quae non vult audiet ,

Thus Englished .

He that to speake will not forbeare , More ( then he would have spoke ) shall heare .

The second thing of which he standeth convicted , The second thing he stands convicted of is Detraction . is detraction and slander , which is the superfluity of a cankered heart , overcome with Choler , and wanting meanes and opportunity of desired revenge , growes into scandalous and reproachfull speeches . The Testates of Hate and Malice , whose condition is to call Innocence into question , thogh not able to prove ought against it : and such are worse to us than Vipers , for those when we spie we kill them ; but these when we cherish they kill us . It is observ'd that the corrupt heart discovereth it selfe by the lewd tongue , and those that speake evill of Women , are held no better than Monsters amongst good men ; but such for the most part , who seeke to bring others into hatred , have in processe of time growne odious even to themselves : but such may be compared to him , which bloweth the powder that flusheth into his owne face , and troubleth his seeing : nay , such are said to murther three at once ; first , himselfe , next , him that gives eare to his scandals and reports them after him ; and lastly , him whose good name hee seeketh to take away ; not considering , that Nature hath bestowed upon us two eares , and two eyes , yet but one tongue ; which is an Embleme unto us , that though we heare and see much , yet ought wee to speake but little : They that can keepe their Tongues keepe their friends ; for few words cover much Wisedome , and even fooles being silent have past for wise men . But the Proverbe is , that even those that but listen , or give encouragement to scandall , or mis-report , deserve to lose their hearing , if not their eares .

And therefore , gentle Reader , beleeve not every smooth Tale that is told , neither give too much credit to the Plaintiffe before you heare the Defendant Apology for himselfe , lest through light trust thou bee deceived , and by thy too easie beliefe , manifestly deluded .

But it is the fashion of all these calumniating Coxecombes , to bite those by the backe , whom they know not how to catch by the bellies .

The third thing objected , and proved upon him , A third thing objected and proved against him . is palpable lying ; against which , the Aegyptians made a Law , that who so used it should not live . The like did the Scithians , the Garamants , the Persians , and the Indians . Now how much hee hath belyed the worthinesse of our Sexe , I appeale to any understanding Reader , who hath purused his Bookes , if hee have not branded us with many a false and palpable untruth , as shall bee made more apparent hereafter , when we come to the enrowling of his Books , and anatomizing his Lectures . But it is an old said Saw , and a true : We cannot better reward a Lyer , then in not believing any thing that he speaketh : so odious is the very name , that in the opinion of many , a Thiefe may be preferred before him : for it is his property to take upon him the habite and countenance of Honesty , that he may the more secretly insinuate , and more subtilly deceive by his Knavery .

He was indited also of Heresie , and false opinion , They indite him of Heresie which hath power to make men arme themselves one against another , and all of them against us . It is borne of Winde , and fed by imagination , never judging rightly of any thing as it is indeed , but as it seemes to bee , making what is probable improvable ; and impossibilities , possibilities : nay , it is of such force , that it overthroweth the love betwixt man and wife , Father and Child , Friend and Friend , Master and Servant : nay more , it is as the Spring and Fountaine of sedition ; and who knowes not but all sedition is evill , how honest soever the ground be pretended .

And last of perjury , They prove him perjur'd . in making breach of that oath which he made when he was first marryed : for in the stead of taking his Wife to have and to hold , for better and worse : with my body I the worship , with all my wordly goods I thee endow , &c. hee hath runne a course cleane contrary to all this , in taunting and scoffing , baiting and abusing , rayling and reviling at all our Sexe in generall , from which number even his wife to whom hee vowed all the former , and who nightly sleepeth , or ought to sleepe in his bosome , is not excluded : or say that she was of a perverse and turbulent spirit , a crabbed or curst condition , or a dissolute and divellish disposition . Say that she was given to gadding and gossipping , to revelling or royoting ( so that hee might very well sing , I cannot keepe my Wife at home ) or say that , not without just cause , she might make him jealous : what is this to the generality of the Female Gender ? one Swallow makes not a Summer : nor for the delinquency of one , are all to be delivered up to censure ? As there was a Lais , so there was a Lucrece : And a wise Cornelia , as there was a wanton Corina : And the same Sexe that hath bred Malefactors , hath brought forth Martyrs .

An this is an argument which we might amplifie even from the Originall of all History ; nay , Strong arguments . and would not spare to doe it , had wee but the benefit of your breeding .

But it hath beene the policy of all parents , even the beginning , to curbe us of that benefit , by striving to keep us under , and to makes us mens meere Vassailes even unto all posterity . How else comes it to passe , that when a Father hath a numerous issue of Sonnes and Daughters , the sonnes forsooth they must bee first put to the Grammar schoole , and after perchance sent to the University , and trained up in the Liberall Arts and Sciences , and there ( if they prove not Block-heads ) they may in time be book-learned : And what doe they then ? read the Poets perhaps , out of which , if they can picke out any thing maliciously devised , or malignantly divulged by some mad Muse , discontented with his coy or disdainfull Mistris ; then in imitation of them , he must divise some passionate Elogy , and pittifull ay-me : and in the stead of picking out the best Poets , who have strived to right us , follow the other , who doe nothing but raile at us , thinking he hath done his Mistris praise , when it may bee hee hath no Mistris at all , but onely feignes to himselfe some counterfeit Phillis , or Amarillis ; such as had never any person , but a meere ayery name : and against them hee must volly out his vaine Enthusiasmes , and Raptures , to the disgrace and prejudice of our whole Sexe .

The reason why women are not so learned as men . When we , whom they stile by the name of weaker Vessells , though of a more delicate , fine , soft , and more plyant flesh , and therefore of a temper most capable of the best Impression , have not that generous and liberall Educations , lest we should bee made able to vindicate our owne injuries , we are set onely to the Needle , to pricke our fingers : or else to the Wheele to spinne a faire thread for our owne undoings , or perchance to some more durty and deboyst drudgery : If wee be taught to read , they then confine us within the compasse of our Mothers Tongue , and that limit wee are not suffered to passe ; or if ( which sometimes happeneth ) wee be brought up to Musick , to singing , and to dancing , it is not for any benefit that thereby wee can ingrosse unto our selves , but for their own particular ends , the better to please and content their licentious appetites , when we come to our maturity and ripenesse : and thus if we be weake by Nature , they strive to makes us more weake by our Nurture . And if in degree of place low , they strive by their policy to keepe us more under .

Now to shew wee are no such despised matter as you would seeme to make us , come to our first Creation , when man was made of the meere dust of the earth , the woman had her being from the best part of his body , the Rib next to his heart : which difference even in our complexions may bee easily decided . Man is of a dull , earthy , and melancholy aspect , having fallowoes in in his face , and a very forrest upon his Chin , when our soft and smooth Cheekes are a true representation of a delectable garden of intermixed Roses and Lillies .

We grant it for a truth , In what the Women agree to . that as there is no sword made of steele , but it hath Iron : no fire made of the sweetest Wood , but it hath Smoake : Nor any Wine made of the choysest Grapes , but it hath Lees : So there is no Woman made of flesh , but she hath some faults . And I pray you are there any men , who are not subject to the like frailties .

Aspertions laid upon Women . Others have said that Closets of Womens thoughts are alwayes open ; and the depth of their hearts hath a string that reacheth to their Tongues : and say this be granted , may wee not also say of mens breasts that lye unvaild to entertaine all vices : and whatsoever they cannot sufficiently twatle with their Tongues , they cannot contain themselves there , but the must publish it with their Pennes : ( one of the grand faults of which our arch Adversary at this present standeth convicted . )

I have heard from the mouth of the learned , Women the true glory of Angels . that a faire , beautifull , & chaste woman was the perfect Image of her Creator , the true glory of Angels , the rare myracle of Earth , and the sole wonder of the World : Women are the best Creatures on earth . and moreouer that the man who is married to a peaceable and vertuous wife , being on earth hath attained Heaven , being in want hath arrived to wealth , being in woe is possest of weale , and being in care enjoyeth comfort ; but contrarily of man , who ever gave such a Noble Character ?

But I will not incist too long upon this argument , though it might be strong there by the authority both of President and History , least we might bee Critically taxed of selfe-love and flattery . And yet that wee may make a safe fortification and Bulwarke against our Adversaries so violent assault and Battery , give us leave to proceed a little further .

If wee bee so contemptible growne either in Quality and Condition , What brave men have writ in womens praise . in Conversation or Deportment , in Name , or Nature , how comes it that so many elaborate Pennes have beene imployed in our prayse , and there have beene such witty Encomiums Writ in our Commendation ? such as have sweld Volumes , and enricheth Liberaries . What Oades , Hymnes , Love-songs , and Laudatories , in all kinde of sweete measure and number have not beene by Poets devised to extoll the beauties and vertues of their Mistrisses ? What power have they not cald upon ? and what Muse not invoakt , that they might give them their full meed & merit ? by which only , divers have attained to the honour of the Lawrell , amongst all Nations , Tongues , and Language in all Frequency from Antiquity . Were it a thing new or rare , or of late birth , it perhaps might be cald into some suspition and question : but carrying with it the reverence of Age , Antiquity , and Custome , what can we hold him but some novice in knowledge , and childe in understanding , that shall presume or dare any kinde of way to contradict it .

But there are many malevolent and ill disposed persons , who having by all crafty and subtle Traines insidiated the chastities as well of maids as Matrons , making no distinction betwixt wives and Matrons , who being disappoynted in their ill purpose , by the vertues of of those good Women , whom they thought to vitiate , have presently growne into such a passionate Fury , and melancholy madnesse , that having no other meanes to revenge themselves , they have studied how by their tongues to trouble them , or by their penns traduce them : And so , whose bodies they could not compasse , their good Names they would corrupt , and of such , this Age affords too many , which ( alas the while ) makes a great sort of us much to suffer in our reputations : but wee againe comfort our selves with this poore Cordiall , That of sufferance commeth ease : and though truth may be blamed , yet can never be shamed .

Others there are , Other examples . who of their ill fortune hath beene to light upon a bad match , a Shrow , a Wanton , or the like , ( as there are of all sorts in all sexes ) they set downe their rest there , and seeke no farther , but measure all other mens Corne by their owne bushell , as thinking none can bee rich because he himselfe is a Banque-rupt ; which is just as if a man that by chance shall cut his finger , should ever after refuse the use of a knife ; or having scorcht his hand , sweare never to warme him at the fire , or having bin pincht with a straight shooe , now all his life time to goe barefoot .

If women be so bad , why doe men proffer their service & love to them . Further , if wee were such toyes and trifles , or so vile and vitious , as our adversarie striveth to make the world beleeve we are ; how comes this seeking , this suing ; this Courting , this cogging ; this prating , this protesting ; this vowing , this swearing , but onely to compasse a smile , a kind looke ; a favour , or a good word from one of us ? can any be so simple to seeke his affliction ? or so sottish to sue for his owne ruine ? what foole would trouble himselfe to find his owne torment ? or what Coxecombe pursue his owne confusion ? Is he not worse then franticke , that desires his owne fall ? and more than a mad man that hunteth after his owne misery ? Then by consequence , if wee be apish and waggish , wilfull and wanton ; such cares , such burdens , such troubles , such torments , such vexation , such Serpents , such Syrens , or such may-games , or rather monsters as you would make of us : If men see such dangers in women , why doe they not let them alone . why cannot you let us alone , and leave us to our owne weakenes and imperfections ? if then seeing such palpable danger before your eyes , and you wilfully run into it ; if you see Hell gates open , and you violently enter them : are you not more simple than babes and Children ? nay than Fooles , Cockscombes , Frantickes and mad men ; Epithites attributes not without your owne gilt , most justly and deservedly throwne upon you .

And much good may they doe you , I pray you weare them for our sakes as the best favours you have merited from us ; whilst wee in the interim strive to vindicate our Sexe from all vainely supposed , but voluntary suggested calumnies .

Wee have heard of a Gun-pouder Treason plotted by men , but never heard since the beginning of the world such a divelish & damned Stratagem devised by women ; Women were never Actors of Gun-powder Treasons . and yet you are the Masculine milke-sops that dare doe nothing , and we the Feminine undertakers , that dare to enterprize all things . Can you reade of any female gilty of the like inhumane acts ? or was any one of our Sexe ever nominated to bee conscious of trayterous conspiracy against their King and Country ? Women have no hand in any Conspiracy . nay rather , women have bin sorry , that through the lusts and importunity of men , they have bin forced to bee the mothers of such monsters : and therefore Sir Seldome Sober , it may bee presuppos'd , that when you writ this bitter invective , you were either in your holy-day and hic-up healths , in your bouzing Cups , and bouncing Cans ; and had got a politicke pot in your pate , or you were else in your deadly dumps and drowsie dreames , which were so violent at that time upon you , that they made you destitute of knowledge , and quite voyd of understanding .

It is further knowne , that when men out of their vaine ambitious fooleries have commenced Warre one against the other , Women never rebelled , or cōmenced Suites of Law against the King . when a City hath bin besieged , and the faint-hearted men have bin ready to give it up to spoile and ransacke : The women have stood up , man'd and maintained the walls , and stopt and defended the Breaches , What brave actions women have performed from time to time . whilst your brave male Martialists have bin ready to beray their breeches ; beate the enemy out of their Trenches , sav'd their selves from prostitution , their City from desolation , and their Husbands and Children from captivity and bondage .

Nay more , it is authentically recorded , that when two Provinces of Greece fought together , and the one party fled and gave way to the Enemy : The wives & mothers of these which were distressed stopped them in their flight , and shewing themselves naked above the navell , cald unto them and rated them for their Cowardise , demanding of them whether they went to cover themselves , in the places from whence they first came , and were first conceived , and to be buried where they were borne ; at which sight they were so abashed and ashamed , that they tooke fresh courage ; and turning their faces from them upon the enemy , they gained thereby a great and glorious victory .

The reasons why women are accused for lying . Some doe accuse us to be much given to lying ; indeed I must confesse it to be a fault in the most of the best Wives : yet I would have our detractor to know that every excuse is not a lye , or if it bee , then are most Husbands beholding to their Wives for excusing them too often in lying to save their credits : for alas ( poore wretches ) we are faine to hide and cover their faults and imperfections with our poore excuses , as for example ; if one of them be crewell , crabbed , and currish , that hee will snap , snarle , and bite with his dogged language and conditions , then the poore woman ( like a foole ) reports him to be a kind , loving , and affectionate husband , ergo she lyes ; another knowes her Husband to bee a wicked Whorehunter , and that he doth ( in a manner ) keepe a Trull or two under her nose ; yet shee will say her Husband is a very honest man : ergo she lyes too . A third spends most of his time in drinking or gameing , and his poore wife is so kind , as to acknowledge him for a good painefull , sober , and civill Husband , and I am sure she lyes abhominable . I could insist further into such particulars , but these are sufficient to shew that the most part of women being lyers , is onely out of their goodnesse to cover the faults and abuses of wicked men .

Whereas they taxe us of incivillity , No woman so full of inormities as men are . I would have any indifferent man or woman to take notice , that it is a very hard winter when one Wolfe doth eate another , or when the Kill doth upbraid the Oven for being burnt ; for though we doe not brag , or prate , ( like the boasting vaine-glorious Pharisee ) that wee are not like other folks in conditions , or ( in a word not worthy to compare with men for their unknowne invisible good parts and qualities ) yet surely , we neither can , or doe run head-long into such impious inormities ; with such uncontroulable violence as they doe : as if they were Created for no other use or purpose , then to sweare , blaspheme , quarrell , be drunke , game , Rore , Whore , murder , steale , cheat ; & in briefe , to be daily practisers and Proficients in the most liberall seven deadly Sins : and these are the excellent civill behaviours of those man-like monsters that doe taxe women generally with incivillity .

If women be proud ( or adicted to pride ) it is ten to one to be laid , If we women bee adicted to pride , it is long of you men . that it is the men that makes them so ; for like inchaunters , they doe never leave or cease to bewitch & charme poore women with their flatteries , perswading us that our beauty is incomperable , our complexion of white and red , like Straberies and Creame ; our cheekes like damaske Roses covered with a veile of Lawne , our lips are Corall , our teeth Ivory , our haires Gold , our eyes Chrystall , or Sunns , or Load-stars , or Loves Darts : our glances Launces , our voyces , our breathes perfum'd Musicke , our vertues Immortall , and our whole frame , feature , and composure Celestiall .

When I was a young maid of the age of fifteene , there came to mee in the wooing way , very many of those Fly-blowne Puf-past Suitors : amongst the rest , one of them was as brave a Gentleman , as any Tayler could make him : he under-went the noble Title af a Captaine , & if I had made triall of him , I doubt not but I might have found him a most desperate Chamber Champion , for he did scent of the Musk-Cat instead of the Musket , he was an Ambergreace gallant , that once was a valiant Tilting Rush-breaker at the married of the Lady Iosinqua , daughter to the Duke of Calabria , verily he was a dainty purfum'd carpet Captaine , a powdred Potentate , a painted Periwig frizled , frounced , Geometricall curious Glas-gazer , a comb'd , curl'd and curried Commander , a resolute profest Chacer or hunter of fashions , and a most stiffe , printed , bristled , beard-starcher .

This Captaine Complement , with his Page Implement , laid hard Siege to the weake Fortresse of my fraile Carkasse , hee would sweare that his life or death were either in my accepting or rejecting his suite , he would lye and flatter in prose , & cogge and foyst in verse most shamefully ; he would sometimes salute me with most delicious Sentences , which he alwayes kept in sirrup , and hee never came to me empty mouth'd or handed ; for hee was never unprovided of stew'd Annagrams , bak'd Epigrams , sows'd Madrigalls , pickled Round delayes , broyld Sonnets , pa●boild Elegies , perfum'd poesies for Rings , and a thousand other such foolish flatteries , and knavish devices which I suspected , and the more hee striv'd to over-come mee , or win mee with Oathes , promises & protestations , still the lesse I beleev'd him ; so that at last hee grew faint at the Siege , gave over to make any more Assaults , and vanquish'd with despaire made a finall Retreat . In like manner I wish all women and maids in generall , to beware of their guilded Glosses ; an enamoured Toade lurkes under the sweet grasse , and a faire tongue hath bin too often the varnish or Embrodery of a false heart ; what are they but lime-twiggs of Lust , and Schoole-masters of Folly ? let not their foolish fancy prove to bee your braine-sicke frenzy ; for if you note them , in all their speech or writings , you shall seldome or never have any word or sillable in the praise of goodnesse , or true vertue to come from them ; their talke shall consist either of wealth , strength , wit , beauty , lands , fashions , Horses , Hawkes , Hounds , and many other triviall and transitory toyes , which as they may be used are blessings of the left Hand , wherewith they are entice and intrap poore silly yong tender-hearted Females to be enamoured of their good parts ( if they had any ) but if men would lay by their trickes , slights , false-hoods and dissimulations ▪ and ( contrarily ) in their conversing with us , use their tongues and pens in the praise of meekenes , modesty , chastity , temporance , constancy , and piety ; then surely women would strive to be such as their discourses did tend unto : for wee doe live in such an age of pollution , that many a rich wicked man will spend willingly , and give more to corrupt and make spoyle of the chastity , and honour of one beautifull untainted Virgin , than they will bestow ( in charity ) towards the saving of an hundred poore people , from perishing by famine here , or from perdition in a worser place : and because they say women will alwaies lye , I doe wish that ( in this last point I touch'd upon ) they would make or prove me a lyer .

Who but men have bin the Authors of all mischiefes ? had that firebrand of Troy ( Paris ) not stolne Hellen from her Husband King Menelaus , surely she had remained a wife in Sparta , and never beene strumpeted in Phrygia : the ten yeares Siege and sacking of Illion was never sought by women , but wrought by men : who but men are Traytors , Apostates , Irreligious , Sectaries and Scismatiques ? Alas , alas ; these are vessels of vices and villanies , which the weak hands or braines of women could never broach . Who but men are Extortioners , Usurers Oppressors , Theeves , perjur'd persons , & Knights of the Post ? who but men doe write , print , divulge and scatter Libells , Rimes , songs and Pasquills against the knowne Truth ; against Soveraigne Authority , against all Law , equite , and Conformity to Loyalty ? who but men have , and doe set forth pestifferous Pamphlets , Emblemes , and Pictures of Scurrillity and nasty obsceanesse ? I am sure that Ovid , and Aretine were no women , nor was there ever any Woman found to be the Authoresse of such base and vile inventions .

In one of their late wise rediculous Lectures , An Answer to the aspersion cast upon women for being Gossips . they doe cast an aspersion upon us that wee are mighty Gossips , and exceeding Scolds ; to the first I Answer , that the most part of our meetings at Gossippings are long of the men , rather then to be imputed to us ; for when children are borne into the world ( although men feele none of the misery ) yet women have a more knowne simpathy & feeling of one anothers paines & perills ; & therefore in Christianity and neighbourly love & Charity , women doe meet to visit and comfort the weakenes of such , as in those dangerous times doe want it ; and whereas they say that wee tipple , and tittle-tattle more than our shares , I shall ( before this discourse is ended ) cast that Ball backe againe in their teeths , and emblaze them truely to bee most vaine and idle talkers ; and that no living thing Created is so sottish , sencelesse , brutish and beastly , as most of them have bin , and are daily , nightly and hourely in their drinke : for their much talke ( to no purpose ) doth shew that there is a running issue , or Fistula in their minds .

Man might consider that women were not created to be their slaves or vassalls , Women are not borne to be mēns slaves . for as they had not their Originall out of his head , ( thereby to command him ; ) so it was not out of his foote to be trod upon , but in a ( medium ) out of his side to be his fellowfeeler , his equal & companion : but as the Divell can be ( at one time ) both the Prince of darknesse , and an Angell of Light ; so can these double-hearted men beare fire in one hand and water in the other , so that one knowes not where to have them , nor how to find them ; being neither hot or cold , but like Luke-warme Laodiceans : for many of them are like the Cinamond Tree , their Rinde better than the Trunke : they are ( too many of them ) rare Doctors of Divility , crafty Merchants , whose Wares are flatteries , congies , cringes , complements , leggs , faces , and mimmicke marmositicall Gestures , and are fitter by halfe for stamps to Coyne any currant wickednesse then any women can be .

Every thing ( but man ) doth naturally encline to be in his proper place , Every rhing but man doth Naturally incline to his proper place . as for example : Lead , Stomes , or any ponderous or weighty matter or mettall will sinke downe , fire doth mount upwards , Rivers run to the to the Sea , Trees to the Earth , and Fowles to the Aire : every thing doth seeke to bee in his naturall place constantly , onely men are inconstant , and seldome or never doth keepe his constant course . Nay the very Beasts and unreasonable Creatures are his Schoole-masters , and goe beyond him in goodnesse : Hee may learne meekenesse of the Lambe , simplicity of the Dove , dilligence of the Ants , kindnes of the Stork , memory of the Oxe and Asse , fidellity of the Dog , watchfulnesse of the Cocke , subtilty of the Serpent , magnanimity of the Lion : the Eagle ( or Vulture ) doth goe beyond him in sight , or seeing ; the Dog surpasseth him in the sence of smelling , Stags , Hares , and Birds doe out-goe him in swiftnesse , Horses & Elephants in strength , and Crowes or Ravens in length of life : Besides every thing ( except man ) hath the wit to shun and avoyd danger , as Sheepe will run from the Wolfe , the Cat from the Dog , the Hare from the Hound , the Rat from the Cat , the Chicke from the Kite , and the Dove from the Hawke ; but man will not avoyd wickednes , nor run from the Divell ; he is also so voracious and insatiate , that though a Parke will satisfie an Heard of Deere , a medow will suffice many Cowes and a Bull , a field will serve Horses , a Forrest will feed wild Beasts and Fowles , the Earth doth content Wormes and Vermine , the Sea containes Fishes : And man ( onely man ) is never contented ; his ingurgitating Maw is the Sepulcher of Fishes , Fowles , Beasts , Hearbes , Fruites , Rootes , and all things else whatsoever that his Rapine can prey upon . Besides , hee hath in him the pride of the Horse , the Lions fiercenesse , the Wolves ravening , the Dogs biting more addicted to truculency then the Beare , more obstinate than the Oxe , more beastly rash than the Bore , more various than the Leopard , more mutable than the Camelion , as deceitfull as the Foxe , as desperate as the Elephant , fearefull as a Hare , revengfull as the Cammell , as lascivious as the Goate , as full of scoffing and jeering as an Apel , as uncleanly as a Sow , as silly as a Sheepe , and as foolish as an Asse . This Land hath rob'd and cheated almost all other Nations of their vices , for we have gotton Gluttony from Greece , Wantonnes from Italy , Pride from Spaine , Complement from France , Drunkennes from Germany , Infidelity ▪ from the Iewes , They ●rove that ●ngland●ath rob●ed all Nations ●f their ●ices . Blasphemy from the Turkes , Idolatry from the Indians , Superstition from Rome , Sects from Amsterdam , Errors from all places , makes Scismes & Diuisions at home . And these are the rare vertues , and admirable quallities of the most part of such men as have ( and doe daily ) enveigh and raile against women with their scandalous tongues , and infamous abusive Libells ; and in a word to conclude this poynt , if any man be great in Office or Dignity , and that he hath uncontrollable power to doe what he will ; it is a hard matter for him to restraine himselfe from doing much hurt , and little good .

Dogs doe naturally barke and snarle at strangers , and such as they doe not know ; Women were never so bad as m●● and so those men that are ignorant in their malice , ( or mallicious in their ignorance ) doe Reprehend and abuse women , and in their rayling they have the uncharitable Art to make the smale Mole-hills of our frailty appeare like Mountaines ; and with their inveterate spleene , they Metamorphose our Pigmey faults into huge Giants : But let me be so bold ( with leave ) as to aske them , if ever any women were such monsters as Nero , Heliogabalus , Caligula , Hamon , Iulian , Caine , Iscariot , Ahab , Achitophel , Rabsheka , Nabuchadnezer , Hollophernes , Ieroboam , Pharaoh , Nimrod , Cham , Belshazer , ( or Baltazer ) Goliah , Esau , Achan , Gehezie , Absolon , Mannasses , Siscera , Shimei , Amon , Nabal , Herod , Chaiphas , Annus , Pilate , Elimas , Domitian , Catiline , Silla , Marius , Sardanapales , and thousands more such Commanders , inventers , maintainers , and defenders of mischiefes , and all sorts of wickednesse & villanies ; of which the Stories of their detestable lives , with their deserved deaths , doe make most horrible and loathed mentions : nor hath these Kingdomes of England and Scotland , bin alwaies cleare from the Tyranny of such , as the Chronicles will witnes of Mackbeth , and Richard the third : and I am sure that women were not the Complotters , or contrivers of the Powder Treason ; nor ever did any woman devise Projects and Monopolies .

Thus any one that hath but common sence or reason in him , He that rayles against women , doth forget that his mother was a woman . may perceive that those who so bitterly raile against women , doe forget that Women were their mothers , or that they had their Birth ( or secondary Originall being from women : ) I will not bee so lavishly or unmannerly invictive against men , but that amongst them there have bin ( and are , and I am not out of hope there will alwayes bee ) many of that noble Sexe , that doe scorne and despise those scurrilous sordid Libells , who are no better than the Divells Penposts : that have the Art to write by roate , and raile at random , without regard of truth or equity : ( for a just and wise man deemes nothing to be reasonable that hath not equity in it ) whose sweet stinking Poeticall verses runs all manner of feete without measure , rime , or reason ; and Satans cloven foot withall into the bargaine . I touch not any way upon good Poets , for to them Fortune is blind , and ( in her blind bounty ) shee returnes a small share for Minerva , and vicious greatnes , golden foppery , and silken Ignorance are most deadly enemies to the Muses : as eminent persons doe not alwaies carry Scales about them to weigh the merits of deserving men ; but I speake of our mungrill Rimsters , that with an affectate over-weening conceite of themselves , doe imagine that they can cough Logicke , speake Rhetoricke , neese Grammer , belch Poetry , pisse Geometry , groane Musicke , vomit Apothegmes , and squirt Oratory . These ( and such as these ) are the most furious and fierce Pendragonists , these are the pestifferous Iacksquiterers , that if they could , would blow and blast the fame of women : None but Mungrill Rimers speake against Women . These can change the shapes of their inventions according as the times and purpose best befits their servile inclinations : for they have all got the Theory of well speaking , ( when they please ) but if ever they busie themselves with the practick of well doing , I will bee at the charge to pay for their hanging ; for it is more easie to make a good nimble Foot-man of the running Goute , than it is to make one of these an honest man .

Although some few , ( and those few too many ) women doe professe goodnesse in Hipocrisie , yet that is not a Generall disparagement to such as are truely vertuous in sincerity ; for if I may bee so bold as to speake that which is Recorded in holy Writ , I shall prove presently out of the best Authors that ever liv'd , that women have beene , and are , and will be , must be , and shall be , either mens betters , or their equalls ; ( or at the least ) not to be so much under-valued , as not to be abused , villified , and traduc'd by every idle & paltry Pot-companions .

As for the first man , he was made of Earth , Clay ; ( yea of the very slime of the earth ) also he was created in the open wide field ( as all other the rest of earthly Creatures were : ) and being made ( I must confesse he was perfect , and full of perfection ) yet doth his very Name demonstrate that hee was of a meane & pure substance ; for the Word ( or Name Adam ) doth signifie Clay , or red earth : but when that earth and slime was purified , and made perfit ( with being fully possessed with a Reasonable Soule ) then man being in Paradice , ( a most pleasant and delectable place ) there in that choycest and principall Garden of delight , ( man being refined from his drosse ) was woman Created : there was she named Eve , ( or Hevah ) wch is as much as to say Life ; ) because shee was the Mother of all men & women that should ever live , or have living : she was made out of the side of the man , ( neere to his heart ) because hee should heartily love her : and as all the rest of the Creatures were created before man , to show that hee was not brought into a bare and naked world , ( although himselfe was so ) but it was Gloriously and Magnificently adorn'd & beautified with all things fitting for the the entertainement of so glorious an Image , ( or Deputy to the Greatest ) yet in that great state hee was alone , without any one to have a participation , or joyfull fellow simpatheticall feeling of his felicity . Then did it please the Great Creator , to Create the noble Creature ( Woman ) to bee his Helper , associate , and companion ; therefore I conclude , that as man was made of pollution , earth , & slime ; and woman was formed out of that earth when it was first Refin'd : as man had his Originall in the rude wide field , and woman had her frame and composure in Paradise ; so much is the womans Honour to bee regarded , and to be held in estimation amongst men .

Divers more examples I could produce . To these few I could add infinite , but I study to avoyd prolixity ; onely I desire of you Sir Seldome Sober , and the rest of your most pittifull partisons , to bee resolved in this one Question ; The World cannot subsist without women . How commeth the world to be thus peopled ? and whence groweth this goodly Generation upon the earth , which from the first Creation hath continued to this present ; and shall last to all Posterity : we are not like these swift Spanish Genets , which ( some Write ) engender onely by the wind ? purperated without man : doe we the despised , sue to you the well disposed ? or being the the Vessels , petition to you the Proditors of your fames & honors ? when was it knowne in any Age , Women never seeke and petition to men for love . that our Sexe have groaned at your Gates , and sate waking whole cold winters nights at your windowes ? when sonnetted to your Signior ships , or love Letter'd to your Lordships ? when haunted you in your Houses ? and way layed you in your walkes ? These you have done , and daily and hourely doe to us ; and i● wee have bin either wayward in our words , or bu● counterfeited a coynesse in our countenances ; you● brave high spirits have bi● ready to homage you●selves , nay some have done it really : as thinking to enter the strict way by a string : Nay many times when you are denyed the game , you have offered Fees ; and by rape to hazard the Gallowes .

If the Husband-man Till , Plow , Sow , and Harrow his ground , &c. it is in hope of an harvest ; or if hee labour and take paines ; it is in hope of his hire : If the Merchant hazard his purse , and person by Sea , it is in the expectation of some great gaine and profit : and can you wise men , take toyle and travell ; wake and watch , rise early , and goe to bed late ; spend your time , wits , and money : vow and protest , sweare and forsweare ; ingage your fortunes , and indanger your lives ; and all these for wily , wanton , wayward , wicked women ; by gaining whom , you can but loose your selves ; and to purchase them , cannot be without your so great prejudice . Most sure if this cause shall come before a just Iudge , and have the benefit of a considerate Censure ; but we so much reproved and reviled , shall bee acquit by Proclamation , and you Sir Seldome Sober , with the rest of your rayling Society bee found sole guilty of Calumny , scandall , and most palpable Contradiction : Your intimations and intents , your proposition and your purpose , your method & your meaning ; having no coherence , or correspondence the one to the other .

And therefore we weak women , Women able at all times to maintaine their undertakings when men are not able . stand up against you mighty men ; ( for so you thinke your selves ) when alas wee know by proofe , that when you brave Masculines are at any time incountered by our Femenine Sexe , even in the first assault , you are as soone tam'd as talkt with ; and can scarce really tell us you love us , but you are as ready to turne tayle and leave us : and yet are not ashamed to animate your selves in your owne assemblies ; and would make the world to beleeve , that you the first Cowards are the sole Conquerours .

An Answer to the Prentises Lecture in the morning . But forsooth when you faile in your prowesse , you thinke to fit us in your Proverbes ; ( which you priviledge by their Antiquity ) but indeede they are so stale in their very Names , that they stinke in our noses : for example , When the Mistris calls up her Apprentice , shee saith if she be crost , shee will make him leape at a Crust ; as if Citizens kept such penurious Houses , that they were ready upon the least occasions to starve their Servants : Nay , that she taking her Husbands Authority out of his hands , will beate her Boy the Rogue ; and bast the Kitchin-maid who rules the Roast , till she make their bones rattle in their skinns : and when shee hath gotten her will , then Rattle Baby Rattle .

An answer to the Lecture of the wife to her husband . Then in your Lecture of the Wife to her Husband , Is the house a wild-Cat to you ? and why a Wild-Cat you tame foole ? unlesse you study to set odds betwixt man and wife , and to make them agree in a house like Dogs and Cats together .

An answer to the Country Farmers wives Lecture . Then comes in the Country Farmers Wife , with her couple of Capons , when all her shee neighbours dare take their Oathes , that her Husband is a Cocke of the Game ; yet shee must call him Francis Furmity-pot , Barnard Bagg-pudding , or Bacon-face , William Woodcocke , Durty Dotterill , or Dunstable , Harry Horse-head , Simon Sup-broath , Ralph Rost a Crow , Tom Turd in thy teeth , and the like beastly and bastardly names , meerely of your owne durty devising : as knowing what belongs to your selves , when wee cannot finde in our hearts to foule our mouthes with any such filthy Language .

But sure Sir Seldome , ( or never ) Sober , your Father was some Jakes-Farmer , and your Mother a Midwife , or hee some Rake-shame , or Ragg-gatherer ; and shee the daughter of a Dung-hill , that their Sonne is forc'd to patch out his Poetry with such pittifull Proverbes : and cannot wee come upon you with the like ? and in tasking of your rudenesse tell you , you should have talked under the Rose : to punish your too much prating , tell you , Their answer to him , and the proverbs confuted . Little said , soone amended . In terrifying you from the like troubling of your selfe , That there is a day to come , that shall pay for all ; and to restraine you within some regularity , A man may bring his Horse to the water , but hee cannot make him drinke . In not sparing of your Spouse-breach , There is False-hood in Fellow-ship . When wee shall bury one untoward Husband , and take another ; Seldome comes the better . When you foole us with your flatteries , you play with us at Wily beguile you : And to conclude with that most learned Ballad , song about the streetes , and Composed by your fellow Poet M. P. O such a Rogue would be hang'd . This wee could doe , nay this wee much care not to doe ; unlesse you moderate your flying Muse , and mend your manners .

How they would use him . Nay wee could Anatomize you into Atomes , and dissect you into Demunitives , to make you lesse than nothing ; but it it is the modesty of our Madam-ships , and the patience that our Sexe professes , to parley before we punish ; and to hang up a flagge of Truce , before we offer to Tirannize : but if you take heart and hold out , and seeme not sorry at this our first Sommons ; wee will not onely beate you , but batter you ; bumbast and bafle you , Canvace and Cudgell you ; Brave you and Bastinado you : but leave you to the terrible Trophies of our Victorious Triumph , and the remarkeable memory of your most miserable , and unpittied Massacre : Yet in all this we doe not menace the men , but their mindes ; not their Persons , but their Penns ; the horridnesse of their humours , and the madnesse of their Muses : which indeed towards us have beene insupportable , and intollerable : Therefore be advised and let us heare either of your publicke acknowledgement , or at the least your private recantation ; either to us all in generall , Their Cruell threatning of Sir Seldome Sober . or some in particular , &c. or we will make thy owne pen thy Ponyard ; thy Inke thy banefull potion ; thy Paper thy winding sheete ; thy Standish thy Coffin ; thy Sand-dust thy Grave-dust , to bury thy shallow wit in , with thy face downe-ward ; which if we doe not , let us for ever beare the burthen with our faces upwards .

Now concerning your very passionate , but most pittifull Poetry , a question may be made , whether you be a Land Laureate , or a Marine Muse ; A Land Poet , or a Water Poet ; A Scholler , or a Sculler ; Of Pernassus , or puddle Dock ; Of Jonia , or Ivy Bridge : But howsoever , it is not in the compasse of our Reading , that Mnemosyne ever lived at Milford Lane , or Terpsichore at Trigg Stayers , where they say the Divell once tooke water .

Nay more then all this , a little further to magnifie our Sexe ; are not the foure parts of the world , Asia , Africa , Europe , and America Deciphered and described under the Persons of women , and their Gender ? The nine Muses , 〈◊〉 the Twelve Sibells , were they not all women ? The Foure Cardinall Vertues , Iustice , Fortitude , Prudence , Temperance , Women ? The three Graces , the Hand-maids to Venus , women ? The three Theologicall Vertues , Faith , Hope , and Charity , Women ? nay Wisedome it selfe , In the praise of Women . is it not Sapientia , and figured in the forme of a Woman ? Are not all the Arts , Sciences , and Vertues , of what quality or condition soever , Portrayed in the persons of women : whether then I pray you Sir Seldome Sober were your wits wandeing , or went a Wooll-gathering , when you beate your braines about this poore , and most pittifull Pamphlet ? Have wee claim'd this to our selves ? nay rather hath it not bin meritoriously conferr'd upon us by you men ? had you thought your selves worthy of these noble and brave Attributes , you would have sequestred them from our Sexe , and Celebrated them to your selves : but those who thought themselves more Wiser than you have shewed your selfe , ( in this witty ) of these Honours to support and maintaine which they thought themselves too weake : have both by their words and writings thought us worthy .

Now whether is the greater approbation for any Cause in question , or for any person convented to be acquitted , by one single man , or by a whole Senate : by a private censorious and supercilious Synicke , then by a full , free , and generall assembly .

Besides , Wee Women claime a priviledge wee claime a further priviledge , that is to be tryed by our Peeres , and grant us but that , and then besides Keisars and Kings , Princes and Potentates , Soveraignes & Subjects , Court , City , Campe and Country ; wee have the Graces & the Goddesses , the Nimphs and the Meriades ; the Virgins , the Vestalls , the Wives , the Widowes , the Country wench , the Countesse , the Laundresse , the Lady , the Maid-marrion , the Matron , even from the Shepherdesse to the Scepter ; all ready to give up their voyces of our sides , that his Crabb-tree Cudgell Oyle , and his Iuniper sauce Lecture is false , foolish , sottish , superfluous Railing , rediculous , absurd , nay more abhominable .

Finally no Sentence of Condemnatiō ought to passe upon any , before a faire Verdit be given up by twelue honest men . All Sentences , and Condemnations goe by a Iury of twelve , and they too ought ought not onely to be of understanding , but good men and true ; and shall the generallity of our Sexe be convented , and convicted by one poore ignorant silly Sot ? Then wee may say ( & not to our small griefe ) that the woman cald Astraea , otherwise cald Justa , hath flowne up to Heaven , and left no Iustice abiding upon the Earth : had she bin still our Iudgesse , shee would ( no doubt ) have Censured ; that as men have here to fore had the liberty to take many Wives ; so women might have now the priviledge every one to take two Husbands at least : till they could find any one woman , who could meete with two men of the same mind with this Gregory , who would make himselfe a Grand Iury man . But Read the wise Womans Juniper , and she will jerke him for this .

Greeke Poets that if they were living would defend the womans Vertues . But were there now surviving to vindicate our vertues , any of the Ancient Greeke Poetresses , A Nicostrate , or Caripena ; A Musaea , or a Meroe ; A Sosipatra , or a Clitagora ; An Aspatia Milesia , or Praxilla Sycomia ; A Myro Bizantia , or Cozinna Thebana . Or amongst the Romans ; an Hortensia , or Hyparchia ; A Claudia , or a Cornelia ; Apollo Argentaria , or Probavaleria ; A Vittoria Collumna , or Marcella Romana , &c. If ( I say ) any of these were now surviving , what a pittifull thing would they make of this patulant Poet : and with one of their invective Iambicks , to despaire and hang himselfe : and in the stead of a Juniper , reade unto him a Gibbot Lecture .

How have you stuft your Store-house , with a Catalogue of common prostitutes and Curtizans ; which made me thinke when I first saw your Booke , it had beene the Register of Bride-well : and I pray you who vitiated them , but you that that would seeme the vertuous ? or who corrupted them , but you the male Crocadiles ? was there Gill without her Jack , or flirts without her Framion . As Parents loosed the names of Father and Mother when their Issue failes them , and Children are no more Sonnes and Daughters when they have no Parents to protect them : so it is not possible , that the world could yeeld any one Branded with the Name of a whore , In the defencr of us women . but there must bee Whooremaster to make her so . Moreover , there was never Strumpet but had her Pimpe to usher her ; nor any Madam Mackarell without a Pander to man her .

You tell us a great many stories and to small purpose , of Hellen an Harlot , who had no doubt lived in honest life with Menelaus her Husband , had there not bin a bold-fac'd Paris to betray her . Of a Lais , a Famous Curtezan in Corinth , who valued every nights lodging at a thousand Drachmaes : and why did she set so high a price upon her prostitution ? but the better to conserve her Chastity , and fright away libidenous fooles from hunting her Habitation : and so of the rest , by which any indifferent Reader may perceive , that all things make with us , which you maliciously have suggested against us .

I will not meddle with your pittifull Poetry , and rime Dottrell , borrowed out of Ballads : and yet why should I say borrowed , when I can Answer them in this one Distick : The women make rime of the Author . Though borrowing now b● into fashion growne , Yet I dare sweare , wha● thou writst was thy own ▪

For indeed I know no● who else will Challenge them .

In your Lecture of an old rich Widow to a yong Gallant , An answer to the Lecture of the rich Widow . where you thinke to taske her of her wit , what doe you else but approve her wisedome ? who will not suffer her modest Gravity to bee fool'd by his youthfull Prodigality : and so what you strive to condemne as a vice , in effect you crowne for a vertue .

You make your Country Farmers wife , An answer to the Lecture of of a Country Farmers wife . to call wise-achers her Husband Wittall , Mopus and Moone-calfe , Hobbinot , and Hobnailes , Lurden and Looby ; Francis Fill-gut and Furmety-pot , Booby & Blockhead , Dunce and Dotard Bull-beife , Barley pudding , Sim Slabber-chops and the like ; and like enough he may be all these , & she in this gives but the Divell his due , and the Clownish Coridon his owne true Character : And what disparagement can this bee to us ? or what great honour to you of the Male Sexe , that amongst men there can bee found such a monster ?

An answer to the Lecture of the jealous old Women . Can you blame the jealous woman for having such care over her Husbands health , purse , and Person ? for what is jealousie but a too much indulgence , and over Love ? and I feare ten at this time of twenty , are not much troubled with it .

Your Lecture of your kind loving wife to her Husband we allow , The woman they approve of the Lecture of a kind woman to her Husband . & none so shamelesse in their slanders , but sometimes or other are constrained to tell truth and shame the Divell ; and if you had onely followed the same Theame , you might have escapt from being thus threatned : but many who have striv'd to make , have mard ; & in shunning Scylla , have falne into Charybdis : and this our impudent Poet , hath imitated such ignorant Pylots : where if he had had the skill to steare his Vessell in the milde Channell , hee might have arrived at an happy Harbour , and so escaped that shame and ship-wracke , which his fillinesse hath made him to suffer . Had Icarus in his Flight kept an equall distance , betwixt the Sea and the Sunne , the one had not melted his Waxe , nor the other moistned his Wings : nor hee beene made a wretched Prey to the Waters .

In your Widowes Lecture to your Widower , An Answer to the Lecture of the young Widow to an old Widower . what tearmes doth shee use , but of your teaching ; and what durty language but of your owne devising : I thought you would have told us a tale , wherein you might have made them equal sharers , in their owne simplicity : which was to this effect .

A Widower and his widow sitting at Supper with a good joynt of meat together , and falling into some crosse words , ( before they had tasted a bit of it ; and having both good stomacks : ) A poore man came to the doore to begg an Almes for Gods sake : The man not knowing which way more to vexe his wife cald to his Servant , and cutting the meat in the middle , laid one halfe upon his Trencher , and said ; here take this and carry it to the poore man , and bid him pray for the soule of my former Wife ; which seeing shee said nothing : but when the Servant was returned , she tooke the other halfe that was in the Dish , and gave it unto him saying ; and I pray thee carry this to the poore man , and desire him to pray for the soule of my first Husband : by which meanes both themselves and their Servants , were forced to goe to bed supperlesse : Now here the blame nor burden could be great , because it was borne upon equall shoulders : but you ( as in all the rest ) make the woman onely to Raile , and the men like so many silly Sots , to make no reply at all ; as if wee were all mad , they milke-s●ps and mecockes , wee froward , they foolish ; we either sheepish or shrowish , and they onely simple and sottish ; which how false it is , and farre from any probability of truth , common experience can testifie : for whosoever shall observe his stile and method shall finde , that what hee so much boasts off hee hath borrowed from the basest of our Sexe ; as being in all his Tinkerly tearmes more foule-tongu'd than a Fish-wife , and more open mouth'd than any Oysterwench .

A word or two more concerning the vertue and Chastity of Women , there was never any man could generally compare with Women ; No man whatsoever is Generally to be compared to women for Vertue . to speake of the best and most blest ( the one and onely Virgin Mother , she that was at one time Maid , Mother , Wife Child , & Sister to her Son ; she that most happily was elected ) from all Eternity to be the blessed bringer forth of a Saviour , for all repenting and true beleeving sinners , she was so fully fill'd and replenish'd with grace , that shee is justly stiled blessed amongst women : and for a further proclaiming of her happinesse , All Generations shall call her Blessed : Shee was the Worlds onely wonder , and most rare and soveraigne mirrour of chastity . Many thousands more are mentioned for that onely famous vertue of Continency , in Divine and prophane Histories , whose honourable , and Venerable memories shall out-live time , and flourish in Glorious Eternity . Besides , as there have bin and are innumerable of our noble Sexe , that have liv'd and dyed Virgins ; so likewise millions of them who have bin married , and after marriage became Widowes , they have bin so inclined to the love of chastity , that they would never bee wonne to accept of a second marriage : and for an inimitable example of a worthy Matron , it is Recorded , that Anna the Prophetesse was but seven yeares a married wife , but that after her Husband was dead , she lived a Widow fourescore and foure yeares : an example above any you men can shew .

Moreover women were so chast , Women for the Love of Posterity doe marry you men , and for no other end . tha● though they did marry and were married , it was more for propagation of Children , than for any carnall delight or pleasure they had to accompany with men ; they were content to be joyned in Matrimony with a greater desire of Children than of Husbands , they had more joy in being Mothers than in being Wives ; for in the old Law , it was a curse upon Women to be Barren : and surely if there had beene any lawfull way for them to have had Children without Husbands , there hath beene , and are , and will bee a numberlesse number of Women that would or will never be troubled with wedlocke , nor the knowledge of man . Thus good and modest Women have bin content to have none , or one man ( at the most ) all their whole life-time , but men have bin so addicted to incontinency , that no bounds of Law or reason could restraine them : for if we reade the Story of the Kings of Iuda , there we may finde the wisest that ever raign'd , ( Solomon ) had no fewer than three hundred Wives , and seven hundred Concubines ; and that his Sonne Rehoboam had eighteene Wives and sixety Concubines , by whom hee begat twenty eight Sonnes , and threescore Daughters . There have bin some good women , that when they could have no Children , they have bin contented that their Husbands should make use of their Maid-servants ; as Sara and Rachell , and Leah did ; but I never heard or read of any man that ( though hee were old , diseased , decripit , gowty , or many and every way defective , and past ability to be the Father of any Child ) that hath bin so loving to his wife , as to suffer her to made a Teeming Mother by another man . There was once a Law in Sparta , amongst the Lacedemonians , that if the husband were deficient , for propagating or begetting of Children , that then it was lawfull for the wife to entertaine a friend or a Neighbour ; but the women were so given to chastity , that they seldome or never did put the said Law in practise , and J am perswaded that that Decree is quite abolish'd , and out of use and force all the World over .

The constant courage , and fixed Pious and worthy resolutions of those women that are mentioned in the seventh of the second Booke of the Macabees , is Transcendent and suparlative above all men that ever were either spoken of or Recorded in to which place I referre the Reader for larger Relations .

Holy Writ doth nominate 5. famous women of the name of Mary ; First the Blessed Virgin . Secondly , Mary the mother of Iames the lesse ; and Joseph and Salome , and the wife of Cleophas , & the Virgin Maries owne Sister . Thirdly , the Mother of Iohn , and Iames the Sonnes of Zebedoe . Fourthly , the Mother of Iohn , Marke : and Mary Magdalen , who was the Sister of Lazarus ; these were all women , who were hardly to be equall'd in goodnes and vertue by men : they were the loving Hand-maides of the highest . And it would bee tedious and needlesse to name those worthy women in this poore Pamphlet , who are already Recorded in the never ending Booke of immortallity . Susannaes chastity , Lidias dilligent piety , the bounty and charity of Dorcas , and the painefulnesse of Pheabe : all these and many more are remembred in everlasting blessed Volumnes .

Thus have I truely and impartially proved , that for Chastity , Charity , Constancy , Magnanimity , Vallour , Wisedome , Piety , or any Grace or Vertue whatsoever . Women have alwayes bin more than equall with men ; and that for Luxury , Sarquedrin obscenity , prophanity , Ebriety , Impiety , and all that may be called bad wee doe come farre short of them . Now we thinke it meete onely to tell them a little of one fault , which we are sure they doe know already ; and that our Repetition of it will bee no meanes to Reforme it : yet to shew the World that Women have great cause to finde fault , and bee discontented with their odious generall vice of Drunkennes . We will relate unto you the dellicate dainty Foppish , and rediculous conceites of Sir Seldome Sober , with the most foolish , idle , and sottish trickes and feates of his idle and Adle-pated followers .

Severall Questions propounded to Sir Seldome Sober , by the Women , viz.

Questions asked and put to Sir Seldome Sober by the Women . FIrst , were Women ever since the Creation of the World , such notorious and Capitall offenders as you men have been from time to time ; not onely in particular to your Wives and Family ; but I meane in publike against your Prince and Country , being found Traitors , as our Chronicles can witnesse .

Secondly , were there ever any woman put in the Stocks , or set in the Pillory , or had ever any hand in Coyning , or Clipping , or Defacing their Princes Money .

Thirdly , doe women do as you men doe , who lye abed on purpose to invent mischiefe , and plot how to get other mens estates into your hands by your slye dissembling : and then either breake and runne away ; or at the least compound for tenne Groates in the pound ; and then set up againe , and doe as much more within seven yeares after .

Fourthly , doe Women become common Baile in Actions , for the value of twelve pence , as you men doe : Or bee Knights of the Post , to sweare and forsweare in many Cases , for a small summe of mony : and in hyring Satten Doublets and Breeches in Long Lane , and come in a Ruffe to beare false witnes against their neighbour

Fiftly , did you heare that ever any women ran away from their Captaines Colours : but whatsoever they did undertake , they went through stich with it , and not flye like Cowards , or fight in private Armour , or Coates of Male , as you men have done ? but women you have heard of , who have beene forced to lye and fight it out , and endure the brunt , when you men were not able to stand to it .

Sixtly , doe Women , as you men doe , for the value of a dinner or Supper , become bound in a summe of Mony for other men , to undoe their Wives and Children , and runne away into the Low-Countries to be a Souldier , and there kill men for three shillings a weeke .

Seventhly , when did you heare , or ever know Women , that make eight dayes in the Weeke to deceive poore men of their pay as you men doe ?

Eighthly , when did you ever read or heare of any women that turned Projectors , striving to undoe Kingdomes , onely to enrich themselves by their severall Monopolies and Patents : Patents did I say ? indeed Patents , in my conceite , should belong most properly to us women , who know how to use them : for your mens Patents and Monopolies are hurtfull to all , ours to none , but they are for a generall good , and to preserve our Healths , yours to ruine and begger Men , Women and Children .

Ninthly , how many women have you knowne or seene , that have beene brought home drunken in a Porters Basket , or led home betweene two Vintners Boyes , or that ever dranke out their eyes , and left their wits behinde them on a Taverne Bench ; or came home with their Legges or Armes broken by their excessive Drinking , and ingurgitating of too much Wine .

Tenth , I pray you Sir Seldome Sober , tell us how many Women that ever you heard of , that ranne and hid themselves in a Cupboard when there came out a Presse for souldiers ; or lockt themselves up in some private place for feare of the Presse : when we women stand it out , and never feare , or once be afraid : let there come a Presse out night by night , or day by day , wee women will never runne , or shrinke our heads for it .

Eleventh , how many women did you ever heare of , that kept Horses to gallop after Mutton ; I meane laced Mutton : and then returne againe neither with good Horse , or sound Reines ; but creeping and halting , as if you had beene shot in some hot service of Warre ?

Twelfth , how many Women did you ever hear of , that doe drinke so much , that they doe quarrell and fight , and teare one anothers Bands and Cloathes ; and then bee carried before a Justice , or else end the businesse by Arbitration , to their losse both of mony and time : or not so ended , doe challenge the field , and there sheath their swords in one anothers breast ? All these are causes enough to make a woman speake , whose Husband is thus in fault : and wee ought to speake , for wee have nothing to offend ( and defend our selves ) but our tongues : nay more , as you men have but five Sences , I will prove that women have sixe , and that is our Tongues ; and therfore wee may speake and pleade for our selves with our tongues , and defend our selves by our tongues ; and therefore Sir Seldome Sober hold you your Tongue hereafter ; for you know sixe to five is odds at foot-ball ; and you shall be sure to finde it so , if ever you doe come into our quarters : but wee hope Time will jerke your blinde Cheekes for this , or else you will get such a blow with a French Coulstaffe , that you will end your Dayes in an Hospitall . O that wee had you amongst us but two hours , or something which wee could wish betweene a cleft sticke , we would serve you but as the Bakers Wife did the Divell , make you somewhat the lighter , the better , and the more nimble for your next Summers Travaile , and cause that Copper-Nose , which hath so many Colours as the Raine-bow , to appeare of another hew : but wishes are in vaine ; and time and opportunity will bring things together which were never dreamt of ; so wee leave you Sir Seldome , or never Sober ; onely we will give you the Character of a Drunkard , and Drunkennesse , and so conclude with a few Tales to the same purpose .

SOme say , that the Science of Drinking Carrowses , and Drunken Healths was brought into England by the Danes when they conquered this Kingdome : but from whomsoever you learned the Mystery , it makes no great matter : It is apparently knowne , that neither Dane , or Dutch-man , True-man , or Welsh-man , can goe beyond you herein : for by your daily Documents ( most Noble Sir Seldome Sober ) men are so perfect , that they are able to teach their Teachers , to master their Masters , & to lay all Nations in the Durt that dares oppose them : For the which Cunning , they are all bound to you ; and to manifest their thankfulnesse , every day almost three quarters of the Masculine Sexe doe declare and shew themselves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers Men . For his Followers , they are the onely Chimmists , and Hyperbolicall Artists below the Moone-shine , and they are of all Callings , Functions , Arts , Trades , and Occupations : they are likewise of all degrees ; from the Monarch to the Miser ; from the Lord to the Lowne , and of either Masculine , or Feminine Sexe or Gender . The force of Wine , or much Drinking did often make Phillip King of Macedon to rage against his Foes ; and it caused his Sonne ( Alexander the Great ) to kill his friends : most of them are such Friends to Oblivion , that they will Drinke , Smoake , and Pipe away Time . Some are such Miraculous , strange wonder-workers , that they can turne Night into Day , and Day into Night . It hath made many a Souldier Metamorphose the mettle of his Murrion and his Morglay into the Elixer or spirit of the Buttery , and Clinking of Wine-pots , to renounce Armes and Blood-shead , except the Clarret blood of Bacchus . It makes thousands of Merchant Adventurers every day and night to the Toride Zone of Canarie : It is the Poets Nepenthe , Aganippa , his Nectar , Tempe , Helicon , and Castelian fountaine ; and when his Muse flags , it inspires her with such straines and raptures , that she Mounts and Soareth higher , than Jupiters Eagle , or the Spheare of Saturne . It causeth the Grammarian to speake beyond his Rules . It fills the Logicianer With Syllogismes , and Sophistry . It makes the Mathematician so skilfull , that hee knowes Charles his Waine from a Sedan , and the Antarticke Pole from a Constables Staffe . By the Inspiration of Drinke , the most simple Arithmatician will accompt past numbring , and number beyond all accompt . It causes the Astronomer to play the Aleconers part , and search all the twelve Signes of the Zodiacke , to know what weight and measure they allow . It attires the Rhetoricians speech with such Eloquent tearmes of Fustian phrases , that it is beyond the Speakers understanding , and all mens else that are troubled to heare him . Drunkennesse is the most frequent and universall Trading in the World : it makes ( almost ) every Man a Merchant or Chapman : for if you marke it , there is of all Trades and functions that doe every day goe abroad from house to House , for no other purpose but to buy Drinke . It is Musick of it selfe , and it is composed , and consists of Frets , Stops , Clefts , Moods , Flats , Sharpes , Spaces , and most strange Notes , Tones , and Tunes , Phrygian , Lidian , Dorian , nine poynts above Ela , and two pots below Gamoth : For upon the Ale-bench , they are all compacted of Quavers , Semiquavers , Sembriefes , Minnums , and Crotchets : One squeaks shrill , like an , Owle , another Brayes the Descant , like an Asse , a third bellowes the Tenor , like a Bull , a fourth Barks the Counterpoint , The womens examples and similies of drunkennesse in a modest phrase . like a Hound , a fift howles the Treble , like a Wolfe , and a sixt grunts the Base , like an Oxe : that what with the ravishing sound of Sackebuts , Canary Pipes , Tobacco Pipes , Flouts , ( or Fluits ) Shames , Bad-pipes , weights , Hoboyes , Clinking and Knocking of Pots , Stamping , Dancing , and Singing to confused Noyses ; there is daily such sweete and Contagious Harmony amongst them , that a man cannot any way compare the deliciousnes of it to any thing more significantly , than to most Eare-bewitching Caterwauling ; or their rending and tearing of tunes , are as delightfull to the hearing , as the fat end of a Pudding . And truely , you men are so experimented in the Trade of Bibbing , ( or Arti Bibendi ) that the Spungy Dutch are most sober Catoes , in respect of you , Apuleius Asse a grand Sophy , and the Wise men of Gotham would seeme amongst us to be the seven Sages of Greece . Drinke is the Idoll which you men adore , and every day you doe fall downe to it : It is the Catalogue of all Faculties : It is the rare Esculapian medicinable Antimonian Cup , for it cures all : It is ( as it were ) the Mid-wife of Justice , for it brings forth all , and oft-times it restores both Principall and interest in a flood or inundation of Expression ; It makes a Man cast learnedly , like Homer : It multiplyes the eye-sight , which is the cause , that some Beere is called double Beere , by reason it enlargeth the capacity , and makes a man see every thing double ; As one writ very sententiously .

The Scribe , or the Clerke , Whose sights are dark , And the print of the Letters doth seeme too small , Will conne every Letter , And read much the better , If they glaze but their eyes with a pot of good Ale .

Amongst you men it is the sweetest Life to bee Dead Drunke , and a well-seasoned Drunkard , is an unmeasurable merry companion , that holds the great Barrel at Heidlebergh to bee but a Bottle : nor doth he hold it lawfull to looke wisely , goe steadily , stand firmely , or speake sence . Nor will he dishonour the Calling with sleeping above once a Weeke , or a Fortnight . Many of them are 〈◊〉 so wary , and ●ealous of their Reputations , that they will pay no Reckonings , because they hold it a disparagement to their Credits not to bee credited . Some are abhominably furnished with ; Oathes , and Protestations of all sorts and sizes , and for any speciall occasion , or company : As small mincing Oathes for the City , Couragious Oathes for the Court , Hob-naild Oathes for the Country , Cudgell Oathes to breake a Creditors Pate , Rapier Oaths to runne a Serjeant , or a Bayliffe through , and Backe-sword Oathes to crosse an Ale-house score . And as an Ape will imitate a man , so a Drunken man will imitate a Beast . Moreover , you shall have seventeene , or eighteene in one Roome , at one and the same time , all in most different and various Actions and Postures ; one will whoop and hollow , another sings , a third dances , a fourth weepes , a fift sleepes , a sixt leapes over Stooles and Tables , and shewes feates , a seventh Knocks , Stamps , and throwes pots downe the staires ; calls the Drawers Rogues , the Man of the House Cuckold , and his Wife whore , breakes Glasses , and Glasse-windowes : another pulls out his sword , and to make valient proofe how well hee can use it , he cuts , hewes , and slashes posts , doores , boards , and stakes , the poore prodigalls picture in the painted Cloath ; and in that veine hee is so Couragious , as to brandish his Blade against Hector singly , or ( for a need ) you may turne him loose to combate with all the Nine Worthies . We saw once one that was so Pot-valient , that in revenge , hee with his sword thrust poore Iudith into the belly , because shee kil'd Holophernes when hee was drunke : Some boast their Descent and Antiquity of their Housrs , and Gentry of their Predecessors : Some brag of their wealth which , perhaps , their accursed and miserable fathers did purchase either by buying and selling Justice , or by Briberie , Extortion , or some other execrable way over the Devils Backe , and therefore their sonnes and heires do take a mad or a drunken course to spend it under his Dams Belly with Rorering and Whoring . Some in their drink do make no bones to speake Treason , and indeed they make nothing to prattle and scribble Scandala Magnatum ▪ Some will utter all the secrets they know ( and more too ) and by those meanes they have undone themselves , their Wives , Families , Friends , and Neighbours ; Some have foolishly ( when the drink was in , and the wit out ) lent away all their monie , or prodigally paid all the Reckoning , or runne into bonds for others , or beene tempted and wonne to take up fine commodities ( at cheating deer rates ) as Ginger-bread , Rattles , Mouse-traps , Tormentours for Fleas , Tennis Balls , and Mundunga Tobacco . Some have sold their goods and lands ( in their Ale ) and they have been Beggers ever after being sober . To adde to this , many of Sir Seldome Sobers men have beene so cunning as to transforme monie , goods , lands , health , reputation , and libertie , all into drink , and with a few words of their mouthes , ( like a Charme ) they have turn'd their good friends into most deadly and inveterate Enemies ; Some are much inclin'd to steale when they are drunke , and because they love to be in action or practice , they wil picke their owne pockets rather then want worke . And some of them are such enemies to sloth that they will sleepe upon an Ale-house or Taverne-bench to avoid idlenesse .

Thus every day all sorts of people and Nations are drunke in severall formes and postures , as in one place one may finde or meete a Dutchman bloated like a stinking Herring : in another place a Welchman stew'd as mellow as a Pruine : in a third place a Scotchman mull'd with drinke and smoake : in a fourth an Irishman pickl'd in Vsquebagh , and lastly , an Englishman shall be all this and more to , for he will be drench'd , stew'd , mull'd , pickled , stew'd , and bloated ; there is no learned Pot-leech or Renowned Malt-worme , that is worthy to hold the candle to an English Drunkard , for by the inspiration of his Tap-Lash , and the infusion of the spirit of the spiggot , hee is Geometrically skild to turn a Quadrangle into a Circle , and to drink round at a square Table . The first Health is call'd a Whiffe , the second a Slash , the third a Hunch , the fourth Thrust , the fift is call'd Pot-shaken , the sixth is seeing the Lions , the seventh , he is Scratch'd , the eighth , his Nose is dirty , the ninth , hee hath whipt the Catt , the tenth , he is fox'd , the eleventh , hee is Bewitch'd , the twelfth , hee is Blinde , and the thirteenth and last , hee is drunke .

Drink is of that quicknesse in operation , and of such celeritie to inspire the Braine of man , that I did once know a Gentleman that rode to the Universitie of Oxford , who entred the City about two of the clock afternoone , and at his comming thither , hee could not speak any Greek or Latine at all , but by the Enthusiasme of Drinke , and drinking roundly and squarely , and with briefe and diligent potting and cupping , hee profited so well , that in lesse then four houres hee had forgot all his English , and could neither speake or understand any word of his Mother tongue . One boasted what a Traveller hee had beene , and how hee had beene rob'd and cheated in every Country where hee came : As he had the luck to lose his Manners in Barbary , the Wild Irish and Red-shanks , stole his Civilitie , the Welshman gull'd him of his truth . In Hungaria he was bereav'd of his Abstinence and Sobrietie , in Sclavonia hee lost his Gentility , in Spaine his Honestie suffered Shipwrack , and in Amsterdam hee stumbled , and ( with the fall ) lost his Religion , or shatter'd it into Heresies , Sects , & Schismes ; and all these losses and detriments hapned to him in his drinke , or drunken madnes . He brags further , that he hath been at Terra Incognita , where some Ladies doe say their prayers ; and many Courtiers doe keepe their words , where the Usurers do lend and take no interest , and prodigall Gallants erect Almshouses , where Scriveners and publike Notaries do weare long eares , and Townesmen have very short fore-heads ; all these Rarities hee saw in a drunken Dreame . Besides , hee said , that hee was in England , and there he saw wonders , as King Henry the 8 Cod-pisse , Charles Brandons Launce , Ancient Pistol's Sword , Smugge the Smiths Cap , Sir Iohn Falstaffs Pistoll , Caesar Vandunks Bottle , Queen Guinnivers Masque , Penelopes Fan , Lucretiaes Busk , Cleopatraes Fall , and the Muffe of Semiramis : and all these & thousands more Whimseys , Carwhitthets , Conondrums , and Aenigmaticall tricks and toyes are daily done by Drunkards .

And can any woman ( that hath reason ) or any man that hath sence blame us poore weak Feminines , to bee grieved at these enormities ; I , with the best of all my sexe doe appeale to all whomsoever have but indifferent capacitie and judgement , bee they of what degree soever , either male or female .

But yet I remember a few mischeifs more which drunkennes hath and doth daily overwhelme us with all ; sometimes they quarrell , and not onely quarrell but kill on another in their drunken roring vaine , and oftentimes for very wicked causes , these Taverne frayes or brawls have hapned , as sometimes because the one had not his Cup fill'd as full as the other , sometimes for not drinking all out ( which is tearm'd , winding up your bottome ) footing off your Bowle , sup up your Cider ) or some other such like learned phrase , and the casting away of a small snuffe hath often bred a quarrell , or the not pledging a Health , which was begun to some unworthy person : perhaps , some oppressing inhospitable Great Man , or to a Begging-making Project-monger ( whom a Commonwealth is bound to pray for over the left shoulder ) or the Health may bee perhaps to some musty Madam , or Muskie Gentlewoman , or to a common prostituted Whore , and such vile occasions as these many men have stab'd and slaine one another . There hath been two kill'd in the same unkinde kinde , within these few yeeres , with onely being stab'd into the eyes with Tobacco pipes .

And likewise , or more properly ) in the like foolish way , they have thrown pots down the staires , and a Drawer , or some other person ( at the same time ) hath bin comming up the said staires , who hath met the said pot ( being violently cast ) with their faces or heads , and beene kill'd out right : Thus have they by these mad-braind courses too oftentimes made hazard of souls , by dispossessing them from mens bodies so suddenly and unprepared , also they have runne their necks into the nooze of the Law , by making untimely worke for the Hangman . And lastly , ( too many of them ) have made forfeite of their estates , goods and Lands , leaving their wives beggerd , and their children nothing but a scandal , that their father died an ignominious death for killing of a man when hee was drunk .

But though this be bad which I have related , yet there is worse then this behinde , for as wee are commanded to do no murder , ( which is not to murder , others ) Then surely they are most inhumane and uncharitable , who doe murder themselves ; which bloudie and barbarous fact is not to bee excused in such as doe wilfully drinke themselves to death , as Master Iohn Stowe , in the 385 page of his Folio Chronicle , or Annals , doth recite a lamentable and remarkable accident , of 180 persons that died in their Drunkennesse in lesse then three daies space , and in the 753 page of the said Booke , hee relates the like that happened to our Englishmen at the siege of the Groyne in Gallizia , where many hundreds lost their lives with drinking . And if you but consider & take notice of our Weekly Bils for the Sicknesse , you shall finde that everie Weeke some doe end their daies onely having kill'd themselves with Surfets , of which all men doe know that drunkennesse is the chiefe occasion . And in the Generall Bill for the yeere 1636 , it is set downe , that within London and the Liberties thereof , there died no fewer then 371 persons all of surfeiting , and also 24 starved with famine in the fields & streets , whom halfe the superfluous expences of those that kill'd themselves with surfeiting might have relieved . There are three words or names of severall things which doe begin with the letter H. All which are good ( if well used , but as they are too much abused , they have beene the overthrow and ruine of many ; they are Horses , Hawkes and Howndes ; some Horses have prooved like Sinons jade to the Trojans , their hungry entrailes have devoured and destroied their Masters Illion , and scarcely left them a Cottage to hide their heads in , some have found their Hawkes like the Vulture to Prometheus , after they have muted away their substance , they have prey'd and tir'd upon their verie Hearts . And some their have been so addicted to Hownds , that in the end their Dogs have devoured them like so many Acteons . Now likewise there are three other things , whose names do beginne with the letter D , of which ( two of them never were , are or will bee commodious for man , and the third ( which is most usefull and necessary ) is by the abuse of it ) the onely bane of misgovern'd mankinde ; They are Drabbes , Dice , and Drinke : I will not say but Drabbes may prefer the Prodigall from the Palace to the Pig-stie , where hee ( being leaden with want , misery , and diseases ) may bee brought to learne and feele the vertue of repentance . Secondly , the Dicer may ( by his often slurring the bones of the dead ) be brought to have a feeling acknowledment of his own living and most wretched condition : But the Drunkard is implacably obstinate to bee so , he is , ( as it were ) riveted to drinke , he is inexorably rooted in his vice , and so unmoveable in his affection to be drunke , that though there be remedies for all other sins , yet there is nothing but death it self that can turn an old Drunkard into a sober course .

Besides the most impudent and frequent offenders , that are addicted to any other vice , be it what it will be , they have some shew of modesty , or desire of privatenesse in the acting or committing of any of their ingrafted or innated enormitie . The theife will warily watch that hee may not be seen when hee steales . The Whoremaster will be close , the Bawd will be secret , and though the Whore bee common , yet shee trades privately . Hee that takes bribes will receive them secretly , though the Projector doe ayme at every mans goods , yet hee covers his intentions , that it is for all mens good , though the cause went against the Client , yet the Lawyer and his fee told him other ways at the first , and though the Devill do day and night ( with all diligence ) seek our confusion , yet hee can sweetly allure us with cover'd slights & poysoned baits , that hee hides his uglinesse under the shape of an Angell of Light . But the Drunkard is more impudent and shamelesse then either Whoremaster , Whore , Bawd , Thiefe , wicked Projector , corrupted Lawyer , or the Devill himselfe . For although all these before named , are as bad , as wickednesse can make them , yet I did never reade or heare of any of them that at any time were so foolishly past shame , as to boast or glory in any of their villanies , as many Drunkards will ; I have heard some to brag , how many they have out-drank and drank drunk in a day , as he payd one , hee pepperd another , he sawced a third , hee anointed a fourth , hee scowred a fift , hee dranke 27 Glasses or Cups , and wonne the Rumpe of a Goose , and bravely made all his Company as fox'd as fooles , and as beastly as Swine , and all the while this mighty and precious piece of service was doing , hee plyde it hard , and in conclusion , hee was not much worse when hee ended , then he was when hee began . And indeed , it is to be believed , that as one days worke cannot make him much the worse , so it is to be doubted , that many dayes and nights , with the friendliest counsels , the godliest admonitions , the sharpest reprehensions , the severest excommunications , the dreadfullest execrations ; all these can neither mend or move him ; but that he hath not onely resolved to be wicked , but also to continue so , and to boast and glory in it . But to boast of sinne is a degree beyond sinne .

To lay these abhominable enormities aside , if wee should consider the good a drunkard doth , you will acknowledge him to be a most necessary evill : and ( not to bereave him of his due ) though hee be never well imployed , yet he he is never idle ; and besides he sets many people a worke , that would otherwise be idle ( or not have much to doe : ) As for example ; He puts the Constable into businesse , hee keepes the Watch waking ; he visits the Justice ; he sees the Clerke ; hee is profitable to the Chandler , Tobacco-Pipe maker , and potent Patentee ; hee keepes the Drawer in perpetuall motion ; he is beneficiall to the Glasse-house ; he enricheth the Wine-merchant , the Vintner , the Cooper , the Brewer , the Victuler , the Serjeant , and the Jayler ; and many times hee is so great an enemy to idlenesse , that hee makes worke for the Hang-man .

And now ( sweet Sir Seldome Sober ) I pray your gravity to take it into your consideration , that these fore-named vertues are no Womens Workes . Alas , poore silly Wretches as wee are , our weake capacities can never reach to the height of such worthinesse , wee have not the Art to swill and smoak away our husbands , our owne , our Children , our Families , and our Landlords food , health , raiment , and rent . And when any of them are surfeited , and dangerous sicke , what large promises they will make , what reformed Men they will bee , if ever they may recover their Healths ; and when many of them are well againe , the most part or great number of them doe keep their words like men of Dursly . As a pretty Jest happened lately at a Supper amongst some Gentlemen and Women , where one of the gentlemen tooke a Cup in his hand , and said to a little Girle of 4. Yeares of Age : wife I will drinke to you : the Child answered him , saying , I will be none of your Wife : Why , said he ? Because you were drunke yesterday , said she : with that they all laught heartily . But the man replyed , and said to the Child , Sweet-heart , you shall be my Wife for all that ; for I will bee drunke no more : To whom she answered ; So my Father said the other day , when he was sicke , but since hee is well againe , hee hath forgot his Promise , and is worse now than ever he was .

It is reported , that a yong fellow was told his Fortune once by a Witch , or a Wizard ; which was , that he should commit one of these three most wicked and abhominable Facts , and that it was in his choise to chuse which of them hee would : the one was , he should kill his Father ; the other was , that hee should defloure his Mother : And the third was , that hee should bee most deeply and extreamly Drunke : Hee in his Heart abhorring the two first , detesting to bee the Death of his Father , ( from whom he had Life ) or to pollute and defile his mother that bore him : to avoyd both which execrable deedes , he made choise to be Drunke ( as thinking it the lesser Crime of the three . ) But being bruitish Barbarous , and beastly possest with too much Drinke , so that he knew not what he did , or said , hee then committed all the three faults , of which hee made a drunken shift to avoyd but two .

And what woman can be such a Tame Foole , as to hold her tongue in her mouth , and ( like a dumbe Beast ) say nothing to her unthrifty Husband , that shall day and night wash downe his throate , with all , or the most part of their maintenance , and pisse against the Wall his health , wit , money , and credit ; and all her comfort is , that hee comes home , stinking , spewing , Belching , spetting , spawling , slavering , and ( being once laid ) snoring , like a Hogge in a Stie : or if he be not in that veine , perhaps he is in a worse mood to sweare , curse , fight , fling , and throw . As one of your Water-men ( Sir Seldome Sober ) the first letter of his name is J. came home Delicately mad Drunke , and pluckt a Ropes end out of his Pocket , wherewith hee most sorely beate his wife ; which shee poore woman was faine to suffer with griefe and impatience : but within a weeke after , they being friends , she provided him the same Ropes end for his supper , boyld in Broth , like an Eele , and when hee had eaten the Broth out of the Platter , hee tooke his Knife , with intent to cut part of the Eele , and finding it to be hard for his cutting , hee asked his Wife what it was ? Truely Husband , said shee , it is no worse than what you gave mee ; and therefore I thought good to make it ready , and Cooke it for your Supper . Sir , it is a griefe to see , that a Gentleman of your great Calling , is so ill attended in the fore-noones : for commonly the greatest number of your servants and followers doe lye long a bed , so that you have but small and slender service of them , till three or foure of the Clocke in the afternoone , and from that time , till past Mid-night : the Tavernes , Ale-houses , and streetes are furnished and throng'd with all sorts of people , that for your honour are sufficiently Drunke , and for your further reputations , in all places by their drinking , speaking , going , or any other action or posture of theirs they doe declare themselves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers men .

And now I think it meet and convenient to Relate some few of their merry Pranke and Feates which they have done in their drinke .

1.

A Young Roaring Gallant had newly entertained an old Gray-bearded Serving-man , whom his Master commanded to fetch him some Beere , for his Mornings draught ; for it is to bee noted , that it is almost a generall Custome or fashion to drinke nothing else but Wine all the day after . The old fellow having brought the Beere delivered it to his Master ; who said to him Thou hast some experience by reason of thy age , and therefore I aske thy advice , Whether it be better for a man to take his mornings draught standing or sitting : the Servant answered , that it is best to take it standing : Nay then I perceive thou art a foole , said the Gentleman : for all Doctors , and Physitians , and other best approved judgements doe hold it meetest to drink it sitting : Truly , Sir , said the other , I am of a contrary opinion , for I thinke it the wisest way to stand to my drinke in the Morning , and to sit downe to it in the after-noone , when I cannot stand .

2.

THere was on Richard Long , who was Yeoman Sadler to the King : The said Long had made shift to bee in a Taverne a long time , from one of Clocke in the afternoone , till Mid-night : in which space hee was growne very sufficiently drunke ; at last , taking his leave of his Comrades ( the Skie beeing almost as darke as pitch ) so that Long was forced to grope and foote out his way , from the Burrow of Southwarke to the Thames , to take a Boat : and as hee past from St. Margarets Hill , through a way which is called the Dead mans place : wherein there are certaine Posts driven to keepe the Carts from the Foote-way . But Long came stumbling , and blundring a good pace , and withall ranne his face and breast against one of the Posts , which hee taking to be a man , up with his fist and strooke the Post , and with the blow broke his knuckles ; whereat he was more angry , and running violently to strike another blow , the Post repulst him so stiffely , that Long staggard backward , and fell into a Ditch that was behinde him : in which Ditch there was a little dirty soft Mud , ( for the water was at that time ebb'd out ) Long being thus laid in a soft Bed , one Nicholas Bennet , that dwelt neare the Banke-side , a Needle-maker by trade , he came in stumbling Post haste the same way , and for want of eye-sight hee shoulderd the said Post so strongly , that hee was made to recoyle in that manner , that hee fell backward into the Ditch also , and as hap was , hee fell upon Long , who supposing that he that assaulted him upon the way , had likewise pursude him in the Ditch ; hee started up and said , Thou Rogue , what wilt thou robbe or murther me , thou troublest me in my going home , thou threwest me into this Ditch ; and dost thou follow me hither to doe mee a further mischiefe ? and with that hee layes about him , and heate poore Bennet , who cryed out to him , Master Long , I doe know you well enough , as I am a Christian I fell in here against my will : I was driven in here by a Post that stands in the way , I pray you hold your hands , for I knew not of your being here in the Ditch : My name is Nick Bennet , a Needle-maker . Upon which words the Battle was ended , and as they fell in and out Post , they grew friends , and groap'd the way to bed by leisure .

3.

ANother that had been late at Foxe-catching , was going ( or intending ) home to his Lodging , the Moone being at the full , shining very bright , so that the shadow of a Signe-Post lay crosse the Gentlemans way , that hee by no meanes could stride over : ( for hee imagined the shadow to bee a high Raile ) whereat he offered , by lifting up his legge to get over , but could not lift high enough ; all this while the host of the house ( that was the owner of the Inne and the Signe ) stood in the shade of his doore , and noted what danger the Gentleman was in , and stood closely smiling to himselfe ; but at last the other espy'd him , and ask'd him what hee was , and who kept that house , that had dared to be so bold as to raile up the streetes , to debarre Gentlemen of of their passage in the Night , to their Lodgings : and withall he would know what Signe was over his head , and to whom it belonged ? To whom the Man answered , Sir , I am a man ; I keep not the house , but the house keepes mee ; I have not Raild up the streetes , but you have Reeld in the streetes : and whereas you would know what Signe it is , to tell you the truth Sir , it is the Gray-hound in Southwarke ; but to speake more properly , It is a Signe that you are Drunke .

And now I am in the Moone-shine , I remember a tricke or two more of the same kind : for once there stood a May-pole in the Strand , which had the shadow of it cast quite thwart the streete , which a drunken gallant being double-sighted , supposed to bee a broad ditch , over which hee could not possibly get , till at last hee wittily threw his Cloake over the shadow , and after that hee threw his sword ; and then going backe againe some dozen or twenty steppes , hee fetch't a Runne , and rann● with such great advantage , that hee valiantly , and fortunately Leaped cleane over the May-pole dith Shadow , swearing that hee would complaine to the Justices