The complaint of Christmas, and the teares of Twelfetyde by Iohn Taylor.

THE COMPLAINT OF CHRISTMAS .

ABout that time of the yeare when Skiegilding , and Earth-polishing Don Phoebus had ( like a skilfull Clothworker ) stretch'd the nights vpon the longest Tenterhookes of time , and curtold the dayes to the coldest abreuiation , or a briefe coldnesse , ( an embleme of frozen charity : ) I , Christmas , according to my old custome of 1600. yeares standing , visited the world ; and like a quick Post , riding vpon the wings of full speed , in ten dayes space I haunted the most Kingdomes and Climates of the Christian world . I was in the stewing-Stoues of Russia , Muscouia , Pollonia , Sweauia , Hungaria , Austria , Bohemia , Germania , and so many other num-cold teeth-gnashing Regions , that if I should name them all , I should strike the Readers into such a shiuering , and indanger their wits and bounties with a perpetuall dead palfie or Apoplexie : In the most of these places my cheere and entertainment was Pilchards , Anchouies , Pickled-Herring , white and red dried Sprats , Neats tongues , Stock fish , hang'd Beefe , Mutton , raw Bacon , Brand-wine , ( alias Aqua vitae ) Tantablins , durty Puddings , and Flapdraggons sowsd and carowsd with Balderdash . Indeed most of their diet is so well seasoned , that the men doe naturally sweat salt , and the women doe weepe brine : and I noted that they neuer watered either their saltest fish or flesh in any other vessels than their bellies , which was an exceeding policie to vent their Mault , and a stratagem to make Saltpeeter of their Vrin.

In Spain and Italy I was welcom'd in many great Dons and Magnificoes houses , with three Alphabets of sallads at one meale , but all the meat vpon fiue of their tables would scarce giue a zealous Puritan his supper on good Friday . I haue seene a hungry Signeor or Clarissimo eat a trusse of Sampheir , with his forke like a Prenge or Pitchsorke tossing it into the hay-loft of his chaps , as if his mouth had beene an Hostry : In a word , I perceiued that what either the Italian or Spaniard doth want in glu●tony and drunkennesse , he takes out his share in pride and lechery with more extortion than threescore in the hundred . So ( amongst their multiplicity of sawces ) I leaue them like sawcie companions .

Being at Rome I was mightily feasted , for they thought nothing too hot , too heauy , or too deare for me : I met there with no sects of dull or cinicall Diogenasses , there was no parsimonious banquets , or Phylosophicall kinde of feasting , I found not a man that was not halfe a Doctor , and was well skild in Kitching Physicke , and they knew that roots and fountaine water would breed Crudities , therefore if they eat any , it was Potatoes , Skerrets , or Eringoes , bak'd with the lushious pulpe , p●● or linings of the marrow-bones of hee Goats , or lusty Rammes .

Vitellius or Helliogabalus could not haue bid mee better welcome than those charitable minded men did : I mused at it ; but at last I considered that his holinesse with all his Cardinals and Clergie , were like Millers , and had toll out of all the kingdomes of Christendome , and that they had Mines of gold and siluer in Purgatory , ( and it is thought that the Philosophers stone is there , ) which was more safely brought into the treasury , than the King of Spaines Ships can come from the West Indies , ( for Purgatory is a Country which the Sea-sowsd pickled Hollander neuer yet discouered . ) Indeed we did out-Epicure the Epicure , and made Epicurisme seeme sobriety , both in meat , musicke , perfumes , masques , or any thing that might with delight fill the fiue senses , or cinque-ports of man .

For recreation I went to visit the leane Carthusian Friers , whom I no sooner beheld , but me thought I saw so many Deaths heads , or Memento mories , a man might haue told their ribs like so many ragged laths , their looks were almost as sharp as a hatchet ; a good Anatomist might haue discerned them onely by the eye without incision : For how could it be otherwise with them , that all their whole life time feed vpon flegmaticke fish ; fish , fish , nothing but fish . Sometimes perhaps they tasted Cauiare , Potathoes , or Anchouies , which they renc'd downe with the suds of Sacke : Then they had Almond Butter , a few blew Figges , and Reisins of the Sunne to make vp a starueling meale ; but I obseru'd one thing in this Frier whom I fasted withall , he would eat no poore Iohn , or offer to catch a Ling by the Pole , but he lou'd a well growne Place exceeding well ▪ prouided , it were well buttered : he neuer would goe to bed without a Cods head , for Maids hee fed hungerly vpon them , but as for Soles hee trod them vnder his fect. Hee gaue me a dish of fish , drest ( as he said ) with the same oyle that was made of the Oliues that grew vpon Mount Oliuet the last time my great Lord and Master was there ▪ which I beleeu'd to be as true as Saint Iohn Baptist had two heads , or Saint Dennis hauing his owne head cut off , did take it vp in his hands and carry it more than a mile . I gaue my Frier the hearing , and the eating of some of his fish to boot , but I was very parsimonious and frugall of beleefe , and indeed I could not spare or affoord him any .

At last I grew so bold with him , with whom I dined that day , as to aske him the reason why he and the rest of his order did neuer eat flesh ; he answered me , that it was in honour of S. Peter , because he was a fisher-man : by the same substantiall reason , I repli'd you might ( for the honor of S. Paul ) dwell in Tents , for he was a tent-maker . But there is a great mystery , or misery in it , that men should hold opinion that a man cannot go towards heauen with as good a conscience hauing the leg or wing of a Capon in his belly , as he might doe with the Cob of a red Herring . For Reuerend Sir , quoth I , you are a carnall man though you eat nothing but fish , for you must vnderstand that there is a flesh of fishes : besides , as there are beasts on the land , so Corin. 15. there is a Sea-horse , a Sea-calfe , a Sea-oxe , and the like ; and further you know , That whatsoeuer goes into the mouth doth not defile the man : but he would not heare on that side , but praied me to feed and stop my mouth of such as the blessed Virgin and the Saints had sent him , ( indeed I heard him not talke of God at all . ) So my belly being more full of his talke than his cheere , I tooke my leaue thankfully of him , bidding him heartily farewell , which he could hardly do● hauing no better diet .

In France I found a great deale more meat and lese sawce , but the most part of the Mounsiers were sawcie enough of themselues . Indeed the entertainment I had there , made me halfe amazed ; for I thought the people themselues had beene so many sacrifices to me , the men ( for the most part ) the Gallants I meane , were in the most bitterest of winter cut and slash'd and carbonadoed into Rashers , Collops , Steakes , and Spitchcocks ; that it was no more but cast a handfull of salt vpon a Gentleman , and hee was ready for the broyling . Their Pride would haue out-fac'd the cold of Caucausus ; nay , had they beene vnder the frozen Zone , they would haue shewed their linnen thorow the sippers of their sleeues , breasts and sholders , the heat of the fashion warm'd them , although their teeth chatterd in their heads .

The women were well-fac'd creatures , ( but like our melancholly Gentlemen , who are in danger of a man-catching Serieant ) they seem'd afraid to shew their faces , and therefore they hid their heads in blacke bagges , like Lawyers declarations ; the difference is , that the Ladies bagge is silke , and the Lawyers Buckrum .

There euery Peasant keepes his wife like a Hawke ( for they all weare Hoods ) and a paire of old English Boots will hood a brace of them from generation to generation : and I obseru'd that the miserable Country people durst not eat their owne Beefe or Mutton ( except the tripes and offall ) for there is a penalty laid vpon them if they bring not their best to the Markets , either of Beast or Bird ; the Gallant Mounsiers haue a prerogatiue to haue all the Geese , Guls , and Woodcocks that the Country yeelds , the Buzzards , Widgeons , and Cuckooes are for the Cities diet onely , but the Partridge , Pheasant and Peacocke are Courtiers .

I had almost forgotten some particularities which I obferued in Germany , for I perceiued they had beene mad Gamesters at vi'd Ruffe almost ouer all the Empire : the most of them had wrangled and played foule play , for Hypocrisie , and Cruelty cut , Ambition rubd , and Oppression wonne the game , whilest Royall and reall Vertues were meerely cheated and abused : Clubs being trump wanne the Sett by fraud and force , the Spades and Diamonds assisting them , so that the Harts onely suffered , whilest Kingdomes , Principalities , and many faire Lordships lay at stake for 't .

Descending into the Low-Countries , or Netherlands , the Dutch States feasted mee in state ; and comming to Amsterdam , where there are almost as many heresies as Nations , I was indifferently bid welcome by most of the Sectaries , but I was most villainously vs'd ( rather abus'd ) by a prick-ear'd Puritan , whose beard was warp'd like greene Wainscot , or a capitall S. ( I thinke it stood as many wayes as a Sea-mans Compasse . ) Hee was a Cobler on Translater by his trade ; and comming to him I found his shop open , and he a mending of a bad or wicked soale of a zealous sisters who had often trod awry , and his brotherly function was to patch or peece her vpright ; but in sincerity I perceiued the Cobler was crafty , and wrought altogether to his owne ends . I mused at his little respect of me , because he was at worke , and telling him that I was come to dine with him , and keepe Holy-day : hee ask'd me my name , and I told him my name was Christmas . At the very name of Masse , he leap'd from me like a Squirrell , as nimbly as if he had had neither gut in his belly , or stone in his breech . And hauing recouered himselfe , hee stop'd both his eares , for feare my name the second time should strike him : hee told me that the Masse was prophane , and so were all the dayes in the yeare that ended with the word Masse , as Candle - masse , Lam - masse , Michael - masse , , Martle-masse , and that some Papist had beene my Godfather ; therefore he would haue nothing to doe with mee . It is abomination ( said he ) and the mimicke solemnizing of this hell-borne superstition was borrowed ( or stolne ) from the Heathens ; therefore there was one said well when hee called the Synagogue , or finfull Assembly , or frie of Friers at the Masse , the kingdome of Apes , for there is such mopping and mowing , such crossing and creeping , such ducking and nodding , that any reasonable man would thinke they were mad ; besides , the Priest hath more postures than six Fencers , as if he were at quarter-staffe with his Breaden god , that I am perswaded the God of heauen hold them in derision , and their Seruice to be rather masquing or mummery than Diuine ; therefore , I say , the Masse is prophane , and so art thou , therefore with me thou gett'st no entertainment .

Thus was poore Christmas welcom'd like Iacke Drum and thrust out of doores ; yet I suspected his hypocriticality spake at us inuectiuely against the Masse , that he might ( with the more cunning and lesse suspect ) defend what was ill in himselfe and be held the more deuout , ( much like as one Whore or Theefe should reuile and scandall another ) for howsoeuer he prated , I thought him a Rascall , that would imploy himselfe about his trade on such a day as was celebrated in the memory of the birth of our glorious Redeemer , God and Man , Iesus Christ , which was the happiest day that mortality euer beheld : for in our Creation God shewed his power , but in our Redemption his vnspeakeable loue and mercy : therefore this day should bee kept holy in remembrance of him that is the Holy of Holiest .

That day wee haue escaped any danger , we celebrate with all ioy and mirth , and shall this day bee put to prophane vses whereon our inestimable ransome was giuen vs , that on this day put on mortality to make vs immortall , that on this blessed day did put off his vnspeakable glory , and put on our insupportable misery , thereby to make vs eternally glorious ; that on this day came to conquer and confound the power of our conquerors , Sinne , Death , and Hell , and to free vs from perpetuall malediction .

Saint Austin ( that blessed Lamb , and Angelicall Doctor of the Church ) did with great thankfulnes celebrate his birth-day , saying , Let vs so celebrate the day of our births , that wee may giue thankes to God who : would haue vs to be borne that wee might be consecrated to himselfe .

Also Pharaoh and Herod did not omit the celebration of the dayes of their natiuities . At the birth of a young Prince the Bels doe clamour the ioy of the people , the great Ordnance doe thunder out their reioycings , the Bonefires doe manifest mens feruent affections : Why not then on this happiest day , whereon our chiefest happinesse came , this great day when the Angell of the great Counsell came to make our eternall peace betweene God and man ; oh let vs then for his sake be merry in God , and charitable to our neighbours , let vs feast with thankfulnesse , and releeue with alacrity those impouerish'd members , of whom our gloriour Redeemer is the head .

But you Master Confusion the Puritan , who are a Weathercocke , Shittlecocke , a right Laodician , neither hot or cold , fit to be cast out of all good society of Christendome , or to be perpetually Amster-damnified into Holland ; your sincerity being void of verity ; your Faith vnfruitfull of good works , your Hope Innouation , your Charity Inuifible , or like a Noune Adiectiue , not to be seene , felt , heard , or vnderstood .

I arriued in England the 25. of December , about one of the clocke in the morning , where I was no sooner landed , but ( as old as I was ) I cut a caper for ioy , assuring my selfe that I was now in my ancient Harbour or heauen of happinesse , in the Eden of the Earth , the Paradice of Terrestriall Peace , Plenty and Pleasure , the most fruitfull Garden of the rotundious Globe , the comfortable Canaan , that flowest with Milke and Hony . And as thou ( O England ) hast euer giuen old Christmas ( with his twelue Holy-day Seruingmen ) good entertainment , with such cheere , hospitality , and welcome , as the Christian world neuer hath done the like . So ( I obseruing the ancient Prouerbe ) where I was wont to fare well am come againe .

I hauing beene foure houres wrapt in this extasie of ioy of my safe landing , at last I heard Master Chantecleere ( the nights liuing Clocke , or Cocke , and the dayes dyall ) with the care-piercing clang of his Horne-trumpet , crow out a Proclamation of the approach of Aurora ; which I was glad to heare , for poore Christmas was as cold as a Snow-ball . Day being risen out of his orientall bed ( the blacke Curtaines of the night being drawne ) I look'd vp and downe the Country to see into which house I should goe first , for I saw many faire houses which I had often beene well entertained at ; but I could perceiue no doores open no lights thorow the windowes , or smoake from the Chimnies , which made mee doubtfull where I was . My poore twelue old fellowes were halfe frozen with feare and amazement , till ( by meere fortune ) I spi'd a swarme of Beggers , who made towards vs , bidding vs very welcome , saying , they had mist vs long , acknowledging themselues beholding to vs all , but chiefly to me .

Not much to me ( quoth I ) but I remember there is a Lords of the Mannours house at the end of this Village , I will goe thither , and doe you come after me , and anon I will giue you your bellies full of good cheere . So the Beggers and I parted , and I with my men went to the Lords house , where finding the gate shut , I peep'd in at the Key-hole , saw an old poore halfe-staru'd Seruingman leane against the wall , bewailing the miseries of the time present , and grieuing at the alterations of the time past , despairing of the amendment of the time to come . I was halfe afraid of him dreading that instead of better meat he would fall aboord of mee and my troope ; at last , seeing me retreat backe , he beckened to me , and watering euery word with a teare , he spake to mee as followeth :

Oh Christmas , old reuerend Christmas ! whither art An old Seruingmans complaint to Christmas . thou going ? What haste art thou now making to this house , where hospitality had once her habitation ; where the poore man was relieued , the stranger succoured , the traueller refresh'd , and all men bid welcome ? Why art thou making such haste now ? Now it is decayed , ruined , sunke . This house that from the Conquest hath beene famour for Hospitality , is now buried in her owne ruins . Looke round about thee , where are now those high woods that did shelter this house from the winds violence ? Now they are low enough , the woodmans axe hath humbled their proud heads . Looke into the Parks : Deere may be deare now , for there are very sew there : My young Master not long since closed them in a Paste Pale , in a Tauerne , where they were hunted by a company of fawning flattering hounds . Looke into the Meddowes , dost thou see an Oxe there ? No , no ; they are all driuen to the Citie . Is there a Calfe or Sheepe in the Pastures ? no , they are all knockt on the head , and houe their throats cut , hauing Parchment made of their skinnes to make him bonds after hee had sold their flesh . Looke into the Garden , is there a Bee-hiue there ? no , all the honey-birds are fled , and the Waxe spent in sealing Bonds for Commodities . Looke about the Yard , there is not a Ducke , Chicken , Hen or Capon to be seene ? not a Goose to be had ? they are all pluckt , and haue pens made of their quils to set his hand to his vndoing . Looke into the Barne , there is not so many Eares to be found there as there are on a common Bailies head ; or so much Corne in the Garners as will breakfast a Chicken . O Christmas , Christmas , my old eyes are almost bloodshot with weeping at the follies of my yong Master , who iustead of making his Chymneyes smoake in the Countrey , makes his nose smoake in a Tobaceo-shop in the Citie . His Predecessours was wont to inuite his Tenants to dinner , but now he hath more neede to be inuited himselfe ; which his Quondam Tenants are not able todoe , for their new Landlord hath vsed them like Traytors , and set them on the Racke . Instead of keeping a good house in the Countrey , some blinde house in the City keepes him : Instead of keeping a kennell of hounds , he is afraid to be fed on by hounds ; hee dares not looke a Serieant in the face , for feare he should bite him by the shoulder . Instead of keeping a faire Stable of horse , hee keepes a foule Table of — Rauenous beasts that at one riotous supper will deuoure more than the Paris-Garden dogs . Instead of keeping a proper Seruing-men , he hath much adoe to keepe himselfe ; and whereas hee should walke in his owne gardens in the Country , he walks the Temple garden in the City : and last of all he thinks Milford-lane as safe a harbour for him as Milford Hauen . Oh Christmas , is it not pitty that such an ancient house as this where Hospitality , the Romans houshold God dwel●● ▪ should thus decay ? An old Vserer in the deepe whi●●epit of his ill conscience , hath deuoured my young Masters house and lands . Thus haue I vnballanced my selfe of that burthen of griefe I was laden with , if you will not beleeue me draw nigh the house ; the doore is open for this old penny-father ( whom I am forced to serue ) need feares no theeues , for they rather feare him : for if they see any thing in this house now worth carrying away , they haue better eyes than euer I had .

The complaint of this poore Seruingman was but an ill breakfast for me and my company that cold morning ; yet I and my Comrades went along with him thorow Note . the yard , which look'd much of his complexion , very leane ; and I no sooner was in the house but I fell into a swound : so that had it not beene for those that were about me I had departed ; for they gaue me hot waters , and rubb'd my temples , and at last , with much adoe , brought me to my selfe ; so that then I purposed , what sight soeuer should poyson my eyes , I would make a full suruey of all the chiefe parts of the house .

The wide roome that I first set my foot in , was rather Christmas survey thorowout the house . like the hole of some lothsome Iaile , than the Hall of an House : The Hall . Indeed it rather was a hell where a damnable extorting Diuell dwelt with a few spirits about him . I may properly call them spirits , for they had little flesh about them . There was not so much fire in the Chimney as would broyle a Pilcher , for his Harth was as cold as my heart .

The Blacke-Iacke whom euery Seruingman in the The Iacke . house was wont to wring by the eare , for being too sawcie with them , ( for hee often would fling them into the fire , and make them quarrell without without cause ) was cast aside in a blinde corner . This spright of the Buttery , ( that would runne foaming at the mouth vp and downe the house as being weary of trauelling ) was lamentably abused ; this leather-suited Seruingman ( whom the Butler had often pitch'd ouer the Barre ) I saw lye in a darke corner on his belly , with his mouth wide open like a Canon , as it were gaping for that full Charge hee was wont to haue in his old Master's time . Thus lay he sleeping in a hole that had made many sleepe . The Tables .

The Tables ( that were wont to be spread with cleane Linnen , Diaper and Damaske for the rich , and home-spunne for the poore , ) were now couered with dust , and a company of staru'd Mice and Rats , that for want of crummes were scarce able to crawle out of their nests , supplyed the places of many guests , that were wont to fill them , in the time of bounteous house-keepers .

I haue knowne the time when I haue seene a Gentleman Sewer ( that Captainelike led a company of Seruingmen bare , or bare Seruingmen ) armed with full dishes of meat , and the Clerke of the Kitching , the Clerke of that stomackfull Band bringing vp the Reare , that in a quarter of an houres warning , would performe a braue peece of seruice , and spite of hunger and famine place the right worshipfull sur-loyne at the vpper end of the Table , attended by two sawcers of Vineger and Pepper , that waited on him like his Pages . I had almost forgot the Mince-pies were quite forgot , also plum-broth stiffe-neck'd colerick Coller of Brawn , that boldly charg'd on the Front with his sprig of Rosemary on his head , instead of a white feather , like a Bride-bush : but if these stout Captaines , Brawne and burly Beefe could not take downe the stomackes of those that did assault them with their sleighted blades , instantly vpon the Reare would come whole troopes of hot souldiers , ss Capons , Hens , Lambe , Mutton and Veale to their rescue , and after them whole compani●s of wilde-fowle would come flying to their succour ; many tender-hearted Chicken haue I seene torne in peeces in these terrible conflicts , many plumpe Partriges and Quailes that could not quaile their stomacks .

Often haue I seene the dogges ( that could doe more than many Knights of the Post ) fall together by the eares for bones , the well fill'd guests haue slung vnder the Tables to them . I haue seene the wide throated Vsher of the Hall , that tooke no small pride to cry Gentlemen and Yeomen to the Dresser , fill the Almes . basket with meat and bread well sopp'd with the fat of wholesome powder Beefe . I haue seene these windowes stucke full of Holly and luy ; but now the laborious Spider , that most skilfull Spinner and Weauer , that in his nets intraps the silly Flie , as artificially as the Spider-like Trades-man doth the young Gentleman , hath his Loomb-worke hanging in euery window , not fearing the house wiues Broome .

Last of all , this Hall haue I seene strewed with rushes , a signe of the soft and kinde entertainment the guests should haue : I haue seene a Lord of Misrule , that with his honest mirth hath made old Christmas laugh : I haue seene Armour , Swords , and Pikes adorne this Hall , which seemed to defend and ayd Hospitality , but now there is no such Starre appeares , no such sight seene , and I feare , I am growne so old and dimme , that I shell neuer see it againe .

From the Hall , I made a step into the Buttery , but Buttery . the thirsty Butler could not make me drinke ; he could not entertaine me as a man would doe a dogge , which is with a crust . But the Seruingman told me , because his Master would not be thought prodigall , bought his Beere and Bread at the next Alehouse . Instead of Plate , I saw a company of old Peuterpots , which ( though they had no leakes ) very seldome did hold any Beere in them . The Bynne grew musty for want of vse , and the Chipping-knife rusty for want of exercise . The Butler was not many crums the better for all the Bread that came into the house in a weeke , for he had not so many chippins to his fees , as would breakfast a Mouse ; or so much waste Beere , as would dround a flye .

As for Cards and Dice that were wont to be as good to the Butler as a ten pound Coppy-hold , the Master held prophane : for hee held the one were the Diuels Bookes , the other Witches bones ; therefore vnlawfull to be read , or followed . I was going downe into the Celler , but I thought it in vaine to descend so loe , seeing so little drinke stirring aboue .

Seeing I could not quench my thirst in the Buttery , I made bold to see if I could breake my fast in the Kitchin , Kitchen . which had not so many Seacoles or Wood mit as would rost three ribbes of a racke of Mutton : then saw I the Master Cooke ( that now was not able to licke his owne fingers ) turne the leane spit ; so that now he was both Cooke and Scullion . The Dripping pannes and Kettles ●●apt many a scouring , which indeede was good husbandry in their owner , for too much vse would make the Kettles looke thinne , and too much scouring the Spits to sharpe . The Ouen that had wont to looke as blacke in the mouth as a Tobacco pipe , and as hot as a Maquanella that drinkes nothing but Aquavitae , was now coole enough ; hee could not now complaine of any hart-burning , or of the vnkindnesse of the Cooke that oftentimes did surfet him with filling his belly to full , and cramming him vp to the mouth with Pasties , and bak'd meats . The Dresser-boord look'd as leane as a cookes shop in the time of the forty fasting dayes . The Collericke Cooke that in times past would out of his fury scald the breakfast beggers , as they stood cutting slices of roast Beefe off from the Spit , and boyld out of the pot , now was as tame as a Water-man in a great frost , as a Player in a great plague . Hee told me that hee had not one quarter of Beefe in the Kitchin , for a quarter of a yeare together ; so that now he could not be beholding to the Butler for his Ladle of Beere , or the Butler to him for a trencher of meat : for the one was almost chok'd for want of liquor , and the other staru'd for want of meat . The Iacke on the Mantletree .

There was one sight did much afflict mee , and that was the Iacke , which in former times did rule the roast , and hindred many poore mens children from the warme office of turne-broches . It neuer was a bountifull time since a Dogge in the wheele , and the Iacke in the Mantle-tree began to turne the Spit ; for they began first to turne Hospitality out of doores . But the fault is in our English Brewers , that Dutch-men haue such deuices in their sconces , for if they did not tunne vp so many barrels of our Brittanian Barly-broth in their buckingtub - bellies , their Geometricall pates could neuer finde out such vncharitable Engines .

Being weary of the Kitcken , I tooke Lazanello de Coquo by the fingers and bad him be of good cheere ( if hee could get any meate to his dinner ) and I went into the Larder , that was wont to looke as fat as a Tripe-wife ; Larder . but now , the coppy of that louely complexion was changed , for I haue knowne when the smell of it ( as a man past by ) would haue giuen him his breakfast , but now would not yeeld so much as would stay a mans stomacke while dinner time : It was falne much away since I saw it last , by reason of his thin dyet : so I forsooke the Larder , and went into the Dairie , Dairie .

As soone as I came in I saw the Boles whelm'd vpon each other backes , like so many men that lay heapt vp in one graue in a time of Pestilence : They lay on the ground as if they mourn'd for their emptinesse . The Cherme stood behinde the doore , as if it were asham'd of it selfe ; for whereas hee was wont to haue his mouth butter'd more then any Flemmings , now he was as leane as any Spaniards . The Cheese-presse , that like a Cockney loued to feede on Curds and congeal'd milke into Welchmens roastmeate , stood close against the wall , as if it had beene loath I should haue seene it : and to be plaine with you , there was not so much Cheese to be seene as would baite a Moustrap , or so much Butter as would make a toste for a Citizens sonne . There was not a timerous fearefull Custard to be seene , whose nature is to quake if your teeth doe but water at him .

Thus looking into euery corner of the house beloestaires ( as narrowly as if I had beene some enquiring Constable , and had warrant for the search ) but finding no such thing as I expected , vp staires went I and all my sorrowfull associates , and looking into a withdrawing-Chamber I saw the old Mammon himselfe sitting ouer a The discription of the Vserer . few Cinders to warme his gowtie tooes , for no other part did neede the comfort of a fire , for from head to foot , he was furr'd like a Muscouite . Instead of a Bible he had a Bond in his hand , which hee was diligently perusing to see if it were forfeit or no : his face very seldome did looke vpward , for his dull melancholy eyes was most commonly fix'd on the earth , as if he were looking out for a Myne : He kept his keyes continually tack'd at his girdie , one hand alwayes on them , as if he feard they would runne from him and vnlocke his Chest for those that would doe more good with his bagges , than he himselfe euer had . He was like the Poets Euclio that feard euery man that did but looke towards his house , came to rob it : for he no sooner cast his Ospray eyes on me and my company , but hee cried , Theeues , Theeues , as lowd as his hoarse throat could creake it out , brauing his poore seruants , telling them they had let in fellowes to rob him : so to stop this Hell-hounds mouth , I spake to him as followeth .

Sir , feare not , there are none here that intend to hurt you : if you catch any it must be your selfe that must doe it to your selfe , and not we . My name is Christmas , these gray hair'd men that are with me , are men of my neere and deere acquaintance , these poore men in their patch'd cloaks , poore people that wish well to me : all true men , though poore men ; and we come to you for a few daies , hoping of a free entertainment : if it is not your pleasure to welcome vs as your Guests , it is not our part to force it .

This old Penny-father look'd as sowre on me , as if I had brought him a Priuy-Seale to borrow money of him , or a Subpaena out of the Exchequer for extortion : and in briefe told me , that I was an imposture , and onely came to entice the people to prodigality and expence : and as for the poore , he had nothing to doe with them , for he was poore himselfe .

Poore your selfe , said I , 't is true ; for how can you be Christmas to the Curmudgion . rich , that neuer thinke you haue enough . In this you shew your selfe most vnnaturall , for Nature is content with a little , but you with neuer so much . Therefore couetous rich men may well bee called the sonnes of the Earth because they hunt after nothing but earth . What need you be couetous ? Hath not God giuen you himselfe , what need you haue any more ? If God cannot suffice you , what can satisfie you ? As for externall riches they are more fugitiue than Chymists Quicksiluer , or the most notorious Vagabond .

He inherits nothing that loseth Christ , hee loseth nothing that possesseth Christ . Will you possesse him , let the poore possesse some of your wealth ? Wilt thou lose nothing , then put it to a spirituall interest , let the poore borrow some of thee ? Here on earth thou hast but eight for a hundred , which is most finfull vse ; but with the poore thou shalt haue a hundred for eight , which is a most heauenly interest . He that doth bestow his beneuolence on the poore , doth not lose , but get ; and by scattering his bread on the waters , doth gather and increase . By keeping them you doe not possesse them , or by dispersing them , lose them . Gold and siluer are good , not that they can make you good , but that you may doe good . How can money be better lent than to the poore , for my Lord and Master will be bound to see it payd in againe but he is a surety few Vserers will take . What Note . is gold , but yellow rubbish ? What is siluer , but white drosse ? and nothing makes them precious but couetousnesse . Gold is a matter of labour , his perill that doth possesse Anagram . Pecunia cui pena it : It is an ill master , a worse seruant . Bee not a slaue then to your estate , but entertaine mee with some part of it , releeue those that follow me , couer your boords and load them with well-fild dishes ▪ so shall you crowne your selfe with all our blessings .

My Oratory would doe no good , my Physicke would not worke ; blessings he regarded as much as a true Protestant will the Anathema of the holy Father the Pope ▪ for without any verball answer hee thrust mee and my company out of doores without saying Farewell .

Thus was poore Christmas vsed , which made me and my consorts looke very blanke vpon the matter : so we wandred vp and downe from house to house but found little comfort . Some would onely smile on me , another aske me how I did , and giue me a cup of small Beere and a crust , and so farewell : a fourth , that laid all on his backe , would not looke on me ; so away went wee still iogging on . At last I cast vp my dimme eyes , and I saw a house where for foure or fiue yeares together I had not beene bountifully , but profusely entertained , for the Master of it did almost surfeit me euery meale : A way went we thither , and comming to the gate , the grumbling Seruingman ( that opened his mouth wider than a trap doore ) told me , there was no entertainment for me , but began to raile at me , and said , that his Master was the worse for me by a thousand pound a yeare , therefore bid me be gone , for he had warrant from his Master to locke me , out of doores ; telling mee moreouer , if I would speake with his master I must to London , for he was soiourning there , not intending to returne while the Parliament was ended . Well , thought I , it were good if the Proclamation that summons all Country-Gentlemen to returne into the Countrey , would ●ake hold of him and many others that lye lurking there because they would not be troubled in the Country with their poore nieghbours .

As for thy Master , that spent more in three or foure yeare , than hee is able to get together againe in threescore , I did not entice to that expence . Can I helpe his riot and excesse ? I desire to vndoe no man . I loue to see men bountifull , not prodigall : I neuer enticed him to luxury ; I thought what would become of his prodigality . He was prodigall because hee would be accounted a good house-keeper . A good house-keeper ? Oh simplicity ▪ that for keeping three or foure prodigall and fulsome feasts he should make himselfe a begger for euer after . I thinke indeed now that a good house is abler to keepe him , than he a good house . No , no , they are the meanes that blesse , no man can liue without them , though few haue them . What cause had your Master to feast all the richest in the Country , and at one sumptuous and sinfull supper , to consume more than would releeue a Parish of poore folks a quarter ? Is this charity ? No , no. But I thinke your Master doth scarce know where he may reade this . His fulsome , gluttonous , and Bacchanalian Feasts , did presage of fasts . It grieved mee first to foresee it , now to know it . Is it charity to lard and grease the fat Country Bores , I meane the rich chuffes that haue enough in their Barnes to releeue themselues and their poore neighbours ? This kils , not cures charity . Gluttonous Feasts cost much , doe little good , much hurt . They mingle Earth , Heauen , Sea , and Fire in their bellies at one sitting . What Fowle soeuer flies in the Aire , what Beast soeuer treads on the Earth , what Fish soeuer swimmes in the Sea , and what strange drinkes , Wines , and strong Waters soeuer , ( that are of fiery natures ) we barrall vp in our bellies at one dinner or supper : So that the confusion of these Elements cannot choose but beget diuers tempests in vs , which like earthquakes continually shake our bodies by the arising of hot and fiery vapours from our stomackes . So that if Nature could finde her tongue now , as in the dayes of Ouid , shee would complaine once more to Ioue of her wrongs : for is it not against Nature to see fishes that should swimme in the Seas , first swimme in wine vinegar , then in wine , being so scorcht , carbonadoed , sows'd , and so martyred , that when it comes to the Table , a man cannot iudge whether it be fish or flesh ? Then to haue another dish brought to the boord couer'd ouer with an inundation of Vinegar , Oyle , and Pepper ? Is it not against Nature to haue pounds of Butter rosted , whose Cooking with white-bread , Cinamond and Sugar will cost more than halfe a dozen Milch Kine will yeeld in a weeke ? Is it not against Nature to haue Mutton larded with Ambergreece , and breaded with Ciuet ? To haue Birds come to the Table lim'd to the dish with viscous and clammy sawces , faster than they were before in the Fowlers lime-twigs ? And to haue many of these inuented and made dishes come to a Table , doe you thinke it would not make Nature complaine ? Yes , yes ; for all this doth no good to Charity . And it is no wonder , as the Philosopher faith , why so suddenly we dye , seeing we liue by Deathe . Some will out-Epicure Geta the Emperour , that had his Table furnish'd with dishes according to the Alphabet : some againe almost as gluttonous as Theocritus Chius , that hauing deuoured at one bit , a liue fish , said that hee had swallowed heauen : To whom one answered , that he wanted one thing , which was to drinke off the Sea at a draught ; now if hee had but remembred to bid him eat the earth instead of bread , he had made a pretty meale of it . Alas , alas , this luxuriousnesse kils as many as Physicke . Let Christmas be at a feast where is good store of good cheere , but not too dainty or costly , but such as a mans owne yard or pasture affords : where the Tables are fill'd with guests , not rich , but poore : not so few as the Graces , that are onely three ; or no more than the Muses , nine ; for a feast ought to be absolute for all commers .

I am of his minde , for if I haue a moderate preparation of meat and drinke , honest mirth , good welcome , and a cup of good Wine or Beere ; I care not for set Suppers , high Musicke , complementall Cringies . No , no , if your master had but began thus moderately , he need not now to haue taken the City ouer his head to hide himselfe from me . But he is not the first that hath done so , ( though that bee no excuse for him ) I would he might be the last , for I and my followers fare the worse for him and such profuse Prodigals .

So away went I and my traine , hauing little comfort yet as you may perceiue , but as wee were walking and talking of our bad fortune , wee might perceiue a plaine Country man come towards vs : hee had high-shooes A Farmer . on that look'd as blacke as a Bullice , white stockings made of the wooll of his owne Sheepe , gray Trunke-hose , with all accoutriments belonging to this Country plainenesse : As soone as hee came somewhat nigh mee , he began to salute mee and bid mee welcome into the Country , telling me if it pleased me I should be welcome to his house : So without many circumstances I tooke his proffer , and with my ( now ) merry mates went toward his Farme , which was not farre off . As soone as we came into the yard ( well stored with Poultrey ) the Farmer himselfe shooke me by the hand , and bid all the rest welcome . The Dame of the house drest vp in her home-spunne Gowne , came to meet me ; the Maid-seruants reioyced to see mee , and the Plow-mens hearts leap'd in their straw-colour'd letherd Doublets for ioy of my approach . Then with all Country solemnity I was had into the Parlour and set downe by a good fire . I was presented with a cup of browne Ale , seasoned with Sinamon , Nutmegs , and Sugar . When dinner was ready , I was set at the vpper end of the Table , my owne company set round about me , and the rest eat with the seruants . We had Brawne of their owne feeding , Beefe of their owne killing ; wee had braue plum broth in bole-dishes of a quart . The White-loafe ranne vp and downe the Table , like a Bowle in an Alley , euery man might haue a fling at him : the March Beere march'd vp and downe , and wee were all merry without the helpe of any Musicians . We had good cheere , and good welcome which was worth all : for the Good-man of the house did not looke with a sower or stoicall brow , but was full of mirth and alacrity , so that it made the house merry .

A , ha , quoth I , this is something like , our dinner is better than our breakfast , this is as Christmas would haue it , here is neither too delicate cheere , which doth cost much , or will cause surfeits , or too little or meane , but such as will kill hunger . They are the best feasts where the poore are releeued , the rich are able to helpe themselues .

Dinner being done , Grace being said , the Cloth taken away , the poore refresh'd , wee went to the fire : before which , lay store of Apples piping hot , expecting a bole of Ale to coole themselues in . Euening Prayer drew nigh , so we all repaired to Church , where I heard my selfe much spoken of , but after Seruice was done , few respected me : some indeed , inuited me to their houses , but I thought my entertainment would not bee worth my labour , considering my company : so went I home againe with my honest Hobnaile-wearer , with whom I past the time away in discourse while supper , which being ended , wee went to Cards . Some sung Carrols , merry songs , some againe to waste the long nights , would tell Winter-tales . At last came in a company of Maids with Wassell , Wassell , iolly Wassell : I tasted of their Cakes , and sup'd of their Bole : and for my sake , the White-loafe and Cheese were set before them , with Minee-Pies , and other meat . These being gone , the iolly youths and plaine dealing Plow-swaines , being weary of Cards , fell to dancing ; from dancing to shew mee some Gambols . Some ventured the breaking of their shinnes to make mee sport , some the scalding of their lippes to catch at Apples tyed at the end of a sticke , hauing a lighted candle at the other ; some shod the wilde Mare ; some at hotcockles , and the like . These Country reuels expiring with the night , early in the morning we all tooke our leaue of them , being loth to be too troublesome ; and rendring them vnfained thanks for our good cheere ( who still desired that we would stay with them a little longer ) wee instantly trauelled towards the City .

Being entred into it , we saw very few look with a smiling countenance on vs , but a few Prentices or Iourneymen that were trick'd vp in their Holliday cloathes ; but we coniectured their Masters were not vp , or else wee could not goe so farre vnbidden . At last the Bels began to ring , euery house-holder began to bestirre himselfe , the Maid-seruants wee saw run hurrying to the Cookes shops with Pies , and the Iacks went as nimbly as any of the wiues tongues : and before we were aware , whole Parishes of people came to inuite vs to dinner : Some tooke me by the hands and would haue me his guest , another tooke Saint Stephen ; a third , Saint Iohn ; a fourth , Childermasse ; but New-yeares day was welcome to them all , especially to the rich ; but all this while the poore was not look'd on , they were not inuited : It grieued me , as it did them ( poore soules ) and I spake as much as I could for them ; but I was answered , the Parish had taken order for the poore already , and that their houses were onely for their friends , and not Beggers ; and for my part , if I would stay with them for a weeke or so , I should bee as welcome to them as any of their rich neighbours .

Alas , alas , said I , is Charity as well as Conscience banish'd out of your freedome ? How can you make me truly welcome , except the poore feed with me ? It doth me more good to see a prisoner releas'd , and the poore man relieued , than taste of your daintiest meat . Yet I will confesse I haue scene many famous and memorable deeds done by well-disposed Citizens ; the Hospitals and other charitable houses can witnesse it , and that some in these daies follow the foot-steps of their predecessors ; but the present compared to those past , are no more in comparison than the least Starre to the Sunne , or a Gloworme to a Starre . Charity in those times was in her youth , in her prime , in her perfect ripenesse ; now shee is old , decrepit , and lame : for she is seldome seene walking in the streets , shee is now onely an Vmbra , a Shadow , a Ghost : her substance is vanish'd ; nay , shee is dead : And will you know when shee died ? I will tell you , When Prodigality , Drunkennesse , and Excesse began When Charity began to sicken . to liue , then she died ; their generation was her destruction . When Prodigality spent as much one day as would keepe her a moneth ; when Pride wore as many cloathes on her backe as would cloath an Hospitall of fatherlesse children ; when Drunkennesse swallowed , in the whirlepoole of his belly , more drinke at one draught than would quench the thirsts of many poore children ; when Gluttony spent more at one meale than would content many hungry Lazars ; when Farmers began to make their sonnes Gentlemen , and young Gentlemen began to be deuoured by Vsurers : then , then , Charity lay on her sicke-bed , nay , on her death-bed . Will you When in her prime . know when she was in her perfect health ? I will tell you . When Gentlemen did not know what a yard of Sattin , Veluet , Cloth of Gold , or Tissue is worth ; when gold and siluer lace were not seen in Cheap-side ; when BeuerHats , blew , red , yellow , and greene Starch were not worne ; when Lords went in good Cloth , and their Seruingmen in good Frize , or Stuffe ; when the Gentry did not know what did belong to Tobacco , Anchouies , Chauiare , and Pickled-Oysters ; when such walking-Spirits as Foot-boyes and Pages went inuisible ; when we went not hurrying along the streets in their French Carts , as fast as if the Diuell had beene the Coach-man : then , then . Charity was well , was in health , and look'd cheerefully .

The Roman Catholikes boast they haue Charity liuing with them ( which they reuerence as much as they doe their Saints ) by which , with the helpe of good works they hope to merite . Alas , alas , they are deceiued , their Charity will doe them little good , except they haue the helpe of her elder sister , Faith . Therefore I thinke it not amisse , if the Romanists would borrow some of our Faith for some of their Charity and good deeds , for wee wnnt one , as much as they doe the other .

But I beginne to bee weary with talking thus to no purpose : Therefore England , beautifull , fruitfull , and yet blessed Land , take heed lest thy Gluttony , Pride , and Excesse , Couetousnesse , Bribery , and Extortion , haue that Adamantine force to pull downe Heauens Iudgements on thee as they did on Sodome . Thou art as sumptuous as that City was , be not thou so sinfull . Before it was burnt it was compared to a Garden , nay , to a Paradise for the neat and pleasant scituation , and the happy plentifulnesse of all things : But now it is a place destitute of water and fruit ; onely , there are such growing , that onely delight the eye , but deride the touch and taste : for on those stinking and burnt bankes , grow Apples , that being toucht fall in dust . Thou maist be so , thou wilt be so , except some of thy fulnesse haue vent toward the poore .

Thou art such a fortunate Iland , that Histrographers write of , blest with an excellent temperature of Ayre , and singular Clemencie of Heauen : where about March , the Spring begins to cloath the earth in a Summer liuery . Heauen is bountifull and patient , bee thou penitent and thankfull .

But as I was going forward with my Admonition , they stop'd my mouth by their entreating me to be their guest for three or foure daies : so for such a small quantity of time , I bestowed my selfe among them . But I was the most royallest , noblest , and worthiliest entertained at Court , Innes of Court and Temples , where I was resident while Candlemas , and then left this Land .

FINIS .